Ep 549 - White Elmo (feat. Big Jay Oakerson)

WATCH Big Jay's New Special 'Them' Out on YouTube Now!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T12MMZ69Z2Y Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Listen to Legion of Skanks and The Bonfire Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Jason Live @ https://www.bigjaycomedy.com/ Yo0o0o. tgif everybody. This week Big Jason joins the broadcast (tbqh it was two weeks ago bcuz we stacked up so shang could focus on snl stuff). Regardless, pipin hot cast. What else would you expect. Go watch Jay's spesh now if you haven't already. Please enjoy. God Bless. This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The wild, wild west.

• 0:02Matt McCusker?

  The water does smell a certain way.

• 0:04Speaker 00

  What, the bidet?

• 0:05Matt McCusker?

  Certain smell, yeah.

• 0:06Speaker 02

  I haven't tried one yet, but I have.

• 0:07Speaker 00

  Hey, we're live.

• 0:09Speaker 02

  Haven't tried one yet, but I have three, I can't use.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  Rogan's, Rogan's studio has them. Rogan's studio has them, they have the heated toilet seats and shit.

• 0:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, the ones I got have that.

• 0:18Speaker 00

  So nice.

• 0:19Speaker 02

  But I've never used it and I'm still nervous because the place I got, I can't use wipes. You can't put them in the septic tank.

• 0:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 0:27Speaker 02

  So like, I got bidets, but still nervous.

• 0:30Matt McCusker?

  Why?

• 0:31Speaker 02

  Everyone says it's great.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  It's the best, you never used it?

• 0:34Speaker 02

  I haven't moved in yet. Never used one ever, no. But also the places, they tell me they have.

• 0:38Speaker 00

  They had, Gas Digital had them.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  I know.

• 0:39Speaker 00

  That was like the first place I ever used them.

• 0:41Speaker 02

  When people say that, that's always the funniest thing to me, you go, dude, they have it at Gas Digital. You haven't used it at Gas Digital? Like, no, I've never shit right next to the studio.

• 0:48Speaker 00

  No, I've shit in there like ten times every. Well, it was always, well, it was always because you do real ass podcasts, it's at 11 a.m.

• 0:54Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 0:55Speaker 00

  For me, that's early. I have to wake up at like nine. And I'm always, always late. So you gotta get that morning dump when you get to the studio.

• 1:02Speaker 02

  And then bidet.

• 1:03Speaker 00

  And then you go, I've never tried this. It's this button, dude.

• 1:06Matt McCusker?

  It's clutch, you have the mothership.

• 1:07Speaker 00

  God damn that thing.

• 1:07Speaker 02

  And was it awesome?

• 1:08Speaker 00

  You can't believe the accuracy.

• 1:10Speaker 02

  So why don't you?

• 1:10Speaker 00

  I thought it was gonna hit me.

• 1:11Matt McCusker?

  It does start every time, no matter what. I go, ooh, when it first gets me, I jump a little and go, ooh.

• 1:16Speaker 00

  It's a nice treat.

• 1:17Speaker 02

  Bobby Kelly described it, he goes, you're waiting for, which I understand what he's saying. You're lining it up with the remote control until you hear like the go from like

• 1:27Speaker 02

  when your asshole starts accepting it.

• 1:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  It's pretty nice.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Listen, I'm excited to try it, I just, I don't, I still don't fully get it.

• 1:38Matt McCusker?

  It's just water.

• 1:39Speaker 02

  Like I see the concept, but how could it be strong enough that you're really getting that clean?

• 1:44Speaker 00

  Oh, it's hitting you, bro.

• 1:45Matt McCusker?

  Dude, if you moved, it would go like seven feet in the air.

• 1:48Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, thing fucking launches in your ass.

• 1:51Matt McCusker?

  I would say about official gauge, about a super circle 50.

• 1:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, okay.

• 1:56Matt McCusker?

  25, 25, 25, 25. 25, my bad.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  I'd say 25. 50, come on, man.

• 2:00Speaker 02

  What, are you trying to catch a lawsuit?

• 2:01Speaker 00

  25, 50 is crazy.

• 2:04Speaker 02

  Say, fire it, put a hole through the top of the green one. The basic one.

• 2:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Toys R Us basic, but no, it hits you, man. I would advise you to start cold. Warm's kind of indulgent. Warm's borderline sexual.

• 2:15Speaker 02

  Warm's sexual.

• 2:16Matt McCusker?

  Warm water hitting you is like, you might as well fap. It's kind of sexual, so start cold.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Matt, you couldn't be closer to the truth.

• 2:26Speaker 00

  It's real sexual.

• 2:28Speaker 02

  I don't know if I would choose cold water to go up there if there was a hot, a warm water option.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  You're gonna want warm, bro.

• 2:33Matt McCusker?

  You're end up, everyone ends up warm anyway.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  Everyone goes warm. I don't know why, it's making me cry, it's very funny.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  I think on the, yeah, I'm still a wipes guy on the road. I just can't believe that most of the time, just paper for you.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  Just raw dog, yeah.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  I did that for a very long time until people, enough people were just like, what are you doing?

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, guy, get the wipes and then people.

• 2:51Speaker 02

  Smearing peanut butter around your ass.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  They tell you it's, it'll fuck your shit up.

• 2:55Speaker 02

  But only if you have, well, here's a couple of things going on. There was no signs here when you moved in?

• 3:00Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:01Speaker 02

  That said, don't put wipes in the toilet? Fire away, dude.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  Also, I run through those things and then just don't go back to the store.

• 3:08Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  So I'll get, I get like once a month, I'll, and then La Mer had a pack in the back he was plowing through.

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Is your lady not a good, uh, house organizer in a sense?

• 3:17Speaker 00

  No, not one bit.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  One thing about Christine, I gotta give her always is you just go, run low on wipes and then like an Amazon thing of 20 packs of wipes show up.

• 3:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Yeah, we have the, uh, that can work against me though, cause I'm like, yeah, we need to get garlic powder. Did you add it to the grocery list? And I'm like, shut the fuck up.

• 3:35Matt McCusker?

  You do the fucking grocery list. I mean, it is a great system.

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, Jay, don't come in here with girlfriend bragging like that. Do not make me make fun of my girlfriend.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  It was more assistant, it was more the assistant skills.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  That was a girlfriend brag and now I had to put my girlfriend down with her lack of skills.

• 3:51Matt McCusker?

  It is skills, it's, it's, yeah, you, you get, my baby didn't have those house skills. It took a while.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:57Matt McCusker?

  You had to, you had to learn how to use like different parts of the iPhone, Notes, the Notes app. Lot to that thing, man.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  I take notes.

• 4:04Matt McCusker?

  Take notes?

• 4:05Speaker 00

  Sometimes.

• 4:05Matt McCusker?

  Do you really?

• 4:06Speaker 00

  If Gardini says something funny when he's drunk, I write it down. And then send it to him the next morning and go, remember when you said this?

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Someday, everyone will know I'm right.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  It's two thirty in the morning on a Thursday.

• 4:21Speaker 03

  That's a Cardini guarantee.

• 4:22Speaker 00

  That is a Cardini guarantee.

• 4:23Speaker 02

  You know, it's a fun thing. You ever go, I've written several things. I don't do it in years, which is why it's still sort of fun because there's stuff from so long ago, but my phone notes when I had intentions of like,

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:35Speaker 02

  Like, this is a funny concept.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  I got it.

• 4:37Speaker 02

  And whatever the key words you write, those, you see a thing, it's like,

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's insane.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  Gay pizza.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  The fuck does that even mean?

• 4:44Speaker 00

  That would be before a show.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Those key words would drive me to like, when I got back home, like, all right, now what was my thing with gay pizza?

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, before a show, you're like, fuck, I don't have any material. Let's go back into the old cars. Ah, gay pizza.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  Gay pizza.

• 4:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, shit.

• 4:59Speaker 02

  It sounds as bad as when somebody walks up to you and does like the, you know, if someone else would use, gay pizza, can you do something with that?

• 5:07Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  I got a premise for you. Gay pizza.

• 5:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I always think I'm like, I'm gonna go back there one day and there's gonna be something I wrote a long time ago and I'm gonna go, oh my God, this is genius. And I just look at him like, I'm a fucking dumbass.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm a dumb, I'm one of the dumbest people.

• 5:21Matt McCusker?

  Most of it repeats seven times. I'm like, yeah, I've written this down five times. I still don't know what it is.

• 5:27Speaker 02

  Rape, comma, sometimes fun, question mark?

• 5:30Speaker 00

  Well, three thirty in the morning on a Wednesday.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Good work.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  What was I?

• 5:35Speaker 00

  Twenty nineteen, Shane, good job.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  But yeah, they're, they're never fucking, it's never something where I feel like I could go back and go, oh, yeah. Let me expound upon that.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  Never once.

• 5:48Matt McCusker?

  Nope, nope, nope, nope, never. Although I have lost some great ones, man. Right before bed, I go, I'll definitely remember that. And I wake up and go, oh, that was so good.

• 5:59Speaker 02

  Nothing.

• 6:00Matt McCusker?

  It would have changed everything.

• 6:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, long drive in a car, say it over and over to myself three or four times and then like, you get next day exactly, you're like, I was something about something.

• 6:11Speaker 00

  Long drive in a car, I go, this is gonna be good. I'm gonna get some material out of this. Just rap.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Three straight hours, I didn't have one thought the entire drive. But you got the premise. It wasn't rap, right?

• 6:22Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I started smoking weed again in hopes of like it'll jar up some new ideas. It's the same thing. I just got like confused in the grocery store and I was just like, this is not.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  We both had a nice groceries.

• 6:32Matt McCusker?

  We did.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  We both had a Whole Foods day.

• 6:34Matt McCusker?

  Same time.

• 6:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:35Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I, I was getting let out personally. I got, I got very high and listened to Led Zeppelin in the grocery store and it was, I mean Led Zeppelin was way better than I remembered it. I was like, I think I'm over this. I'm almost 40 now. That was like stuff when I was a kid, dude, I was listening to Led Zeppelin too. I was like, this is, might be the greatest album of all time.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  You put me back on. You were like, I let the let out. I said, I gotta let, it's been a while.

• 6:54Matt McCusker?

  You got the let out? Dude, it was crazy.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  Shit rocks.

• 6:57Matt McCusker?

  I for real, I am not lying. I was walking towards the cheese aisle of the grocery store and at one point like they hit the drums. I almost went and like kicked.

• 7:06Matt McCusker?

  I was, I was playing dude, I was up on stage, I almost fucking kicked and signaled the drummer.

• 7:10Speaker 00

  Yeah. My Whole Foods experience was much like my experience at the mall. I literally, I was like, I'm, I'm gonna go to the grocery store. I got there. I was like, I don't even know what I want. I don't even worry. I got chicken and bacon and eggs and left.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  That is why.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  I spent $30 and yeah.

• 7:24Matt McCusker?

  Do you scan every aisle? Like you start produce?

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Dude, I walked around.

• 7:28Speaker 02

  You're not a weed man though. It's a big thing.

• 7:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:30Speaker 02

  If you could smoke weed and go to the store, you start thinking ahead more.

• 7:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're planning ahead.

• 7:36Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 7:37Speaker 02

  You're like, I'm definitely gonna want fluff at some point.

• 7:41Speaker 00

  I'm gonna want a fluff or not.

• 7:42Speaker 02

  I never bought it ever, but like, should have it.

• 7:47Matt McCusker?

  I did edges, every aisle four times. I just walked. I, I do like the outskirts usually, then I just started hitting every aisle while I was jamming and then like, I'd be like, oh yeah, I'm gonna need an onion. I'd go all the way back to the other side, get an onion.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  You're gonna need that onion.

• 8:01Matt McCusker?

  Taco night's gonna be sick.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  The things I end up like hoarding because I don't realize we have them. You buy too much or a great like, probably like four different kinds of pickles in my refrigerator.

• 8:11Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 8:12Speaker 02

  No meat, but four different jars of pickles that have been like opened at different times. Yeah. Well, listen, you need stackers and you need spears, but after that you start just getting gluttonous.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Fuck, I forgot the spears.

• 8:24Speaker 02

  I forgot the spears, the dill spears.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  I gotta head back to the store. Hey bitch, are these bread and butter chips? Cause I said pickles.

• 8:32Matt McCusker?

  I, dude, I will say, I think, I don't think it's any good, but I, I just smoked weed all weekend being like, I gotta come up with something funny. And then I went, I actually went to a gala last weekend. It was Brittany planned it months and months ago and I, I got very high and went to that and it was a, the only thing I keep, we're, people are talking about school, like, yeah, I started school in September, but I was like held back because I wanted to be the older person in the class and I got.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  These are adults saying this?

• 8:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we were just talking about like getting like, if you got held back and I was like, I just like muttered to Brittany, I was like, I got held back in the fourth grade because my dick was too big.

• 9:05Matt McCusker?

  I laughed for thirty minutes.

• 9:07Speaker 00

  Write it down. Dick too big for fourth grade. Notes. That'll come in handy in eight months.

• 9:15Matt McCusker?

  She's like, why would you get held back if your dick's too big?

• 9:18Speaker 00

  What's a gala?

• 9:19Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you're ruining it, dude. It's just funny. I got held back too. Why? Cause my dick too big.

• 9:25Speaker 00

  What's a gala?

• 9:27Matt McCusker?

  It's like, it's just a thing where you get dressed up and then they just make people, they like ask people for money basically. So it was like there, it was a, it was like a domestic violence thing and then they had cowboys come out and be like,

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Oh, and those guys, the auctioneer guys?

• 9:42Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  Anti. You remember those?

• 9:46Matt McCusker?

  Anti, yes. It was not.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  They almost got us.

• 9:48Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 9:48Speaker 00

  We were at the Longhorn, the Texas Longhorns thing and they did the auctioneers.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  You can bid first on one of these.

• 9:56Matt McCusker?

  You can.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  And he was like, fifty grand. And then no one was bidding for like a minute and I was sitting next to him like, oh shit.

• 10:04Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 10:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was like, I'll pay for it. That's terrifying.

• 10:07Matt McCusker?

  You gotta start low.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  Fifty thousand dollars.

• 10:10Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 10:11Speaker 00

  And people were.

• 10:12Matt McCusker?

  It starts at like two and that's, that's the move to raise your hand for the very first, knowing it's going to fucking.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Hundred bucks, one dollar.

• 10:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  What was it on? What were you? It was like a vacation with a coach. Coach vacation. Sear and coach Sarkisian to a cabin. Yeah, it was like a boys.

• 10:29Speaker 02

  Vacation in the cabin. With an adult man you don't know.

• 10:33Speaker 00

  Coach Sark.

• 10:34Matt McCusker?

  Well, there'll be like a thirty two person trip to Orlando.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  Just Lamar. Just Lamar.

• 10:39Matt McCusker?

  Dude, what they did on it, it was actually kind of, it's kind of sick. So they had this trip, they had to bid up to fifteen thousand bucks and they had four people and they went, you, you, you. You all get it right away and they all had to get one for fifteen grand. I was like, oh.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  That hurts.

• 10:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. It was exciting. The cowboy bidders were excited.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  It was nice.

• 10:57Matt McCusker?

  That was fun.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:58Matt McCusker?

  But try not to laugh for a half an hour.

• 11:00Speaker 02

  At the gala?

• 11:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I told Brittany, I said, bro, not a motherfucking thing.

• 11:04Speaker 00

  How much was she trying to raise that hand?

• 11:06Matt McCusker?

  I, I told her before we went in and three times I saw her elbow move and I said, I will fucking storm out. I want that. I will, it's just like. We could have that. It is, it's, it's kind of a girl trap because it's like they pop shit, you know, confetti on you and it's like, you know, the pricing makes no sense. It's perfect for them.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:22Matt McCusker?

  Like thirty thousand dollars, yes. It's like, you know, I, I was.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Four one, what are the objects?

• 11:29Matt McCusker?

  The objects, they were like pretty intense vacations and they, they will be like the sleeps like eighteen people. So I guess you could try to get people in on it, but just, it was vacations. Um, what else was it? It was like trips. There was a quail hunting trip or dove hunting trip in South, at South Africa. You could go shoot birds in South Africa.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  God bless the person who like goes like, like figures out a vacation like package in a moment of someone going like, all right, Turks and Caicos got a nice little cabana on the beach. Thirty thousand dollars. Honey, you want to go to Turks and Caicos? Yes, yes, not me. Let's get twenty of our friends.

• 12:03Speaker 00

  Agree on this date.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  Sort that out someone before you raise your hand.

• 12:06Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it's, uh, it was.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Everybody I know will go to that. When I say.

• 12:11Speaker 02

  We go to Turks and Caicos definitely on this date.

• 12:13Matt McCusker?

  It was more the elders, the older people were snagging all these crazy things.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Oh, they gotta do everything before they die.

• 12:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they, yeah, they were, they were definitely hitting them up. But it was the, I will say gala energy, it's very, a lot of the dudes there. It like struck me as like guys who are like expecting blowjobs at any minute. Just like the face they were, they're sitting there like. Like they knew they were getting their dick sucked that night. Yeah.

• 12:38Speaker 00

  Everyone's dressed up.

• 12:39Matt McCusker?

  Exactly.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Your penis is gonna be in their mouth.

• 12:41Matt McCusker?

  It was a lot of pre-head energy. That was the one thing and it was, you know, it's not good nor bad. I was just saying like, fuck, man.

• 12:47Speaker 00

  Sexual energy.

• 12:48Matt McCusker?

  Very sexual.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Everyone's laughing, drinking, spending money.

• 12:51Matt McCusker?

  I mean, if you.

• 12:52Speaker 02

  The trophy wives and like prostitutes?

• 12:56Matt McCusker?

  Yes, pretty much. And if you can get like, you know, if you get women in a dress, that is step one.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:01Matt McCusker?

  This is fancy. Yeah. That is kind of step one to kind of possibly getting hit.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  It's Valentine's Day.

• 13:07Speaker 02

  Bringing your wife makes sense. Bringing your girlfriend, but bringing the stuff people bring escorts to. When escorts are doing the actual job they say they're doing when you heard about escort, you know, it's like, well, you're paying me for my time. Whatever happens, like it's like, we can go to dinners and you're like, yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I'd rather just give you a handjob.

• 13:26Speaker 02

  I used to drive them and I'll tell you what, they weren't going to any galas. They were going in the front of a house I thought was abandoned to get fucked by a guy whose arm is always broke or has polio.

• 13:36Matt McCusker?

  You used to drive hookers?

• 13:38Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:38Matt McCusker?

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• 14:18Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 14:19Matt McCusker?

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• 15:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was a wet job.

• 15:15Matt McCusker?

  What does that make you in the pimp hierarchy? Where you're like, you're a wheelman?

• 15:18Speaker 02

  Wheelman, just, but technically they're protecting them. Protecting them in, like, the strippers more, they were all like strippers and prostitutes for the most part. But the strippers was a scarier job because you have to go in and like make sure everything's like kind of okay.

• 15:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you did like the bachelor party guy who like went in and like counted the money?

• 15:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The prostitutes were easy. You just drive up out front and they go in and they'll be like, if all goes great, I'll be, you know, it's supposed to be in there for like an hour. They're like, I should be out in 15 minutes. And like they usually would. But the one time I drove someone outside of Pennsylvania, someone out, it was outside of Philly. I drove a girl one time and like we picked her and like this is also the thing you get to see, like the, this is not, like this guy's definitely not going to be happy. You know, when you're driving someone out, I picked them up and I was like, unless this guy, there's no way this guy picked her. This is like before like internet was everything. So you weren't, you were going on like a Yellow Pages call or like, I guess like the back of like Philadelphia Weekly or something.

• 16:17Matt McCusker?

  You had the rhino in the car. You had the rock steady in the car. Do you guys ever get caught in sex traffic?

• 16:22Speaker 02

  Uh, I don't know. I did it.

• 16:23Matt McCusker?

  If it were bumping a bumper, that would be sex.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  That would be sex traffic. Sex traffic.

• 16:29Speaker 02

  But we, um, I drove this girl, I knew she was like, I'm like, this guy's not going to like her. She was like, we drove this nice neighborhood and this girl was like gothed out, like big, heavyset chick, real milky skin. It was just a look that I'm certain the guy who lives here was not going for. And she goes.

• 16:47Matt McCusker?

  Are you sure you weren't trying to hog, being like, this guy's not going to be into you? You should actually just pull over.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  Let me get you away from all this.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I did when I was catering. You're gonna take one of the parms. You know what I mean? If I'm driving a hooker, I'm gonna go, come on. How about a kiss? One kiss. They're never gonna know. Give me a little smidge.

• 17:06Speaker 02

  Well, the first girl I ever drove, well, I'll go back to that in a second. But this girl, she went inside the, uh, she went to the guy's house and I'm just waiting in the car. And then she comes back like three minutes later.

• 17:17Speaker 00

  What?

• 17:18Speaker 02

  And she goes, he said that I'm not what he was expecting and blah. And he sent me what I was, I was like, I saw coming. And she goes, and now no matter what, the guy's gotta pay X amount for me.

• 17:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:29Speaker 02

  For the drive, whatever, it was like 25 bucks. That meant the world to me at the time, for sure. And, uh, so she was like, he's not, she goes, I was like, oh, I was like, so he just gave you like the, you know, the cancel money or whatever? And she was like, no, he wouldn't give me any money at all. And I was like, shit. And I just gotta hedge the bets, you know? I'm like, what does this asshole look like? Cause you're waiting to hear like, hey, so I can go find him? But like, I'm really just asking, I'm like, is this worth 25 bucks to me to go knock on this guy's door? And, uh, she was like, he's like this little like nerdy, whatever guy. So I was like, oh, good, good. So I go, I knock on the door and I was like, and she kinda came with me, which I didn't think was a good idea. And, uh, he opens the door, you know, with kinda like, I don't want like trouble thing.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  And I was, I was like, I was like, no, I'm just gonna like, you have, you're supposed to give like 50 bucks. I guess like 25 for each of us or something like that. And he was like, uh, he's like, oh, well, I don't, he was basically a dick. He was like, I don't have the money. And I'm like, buddy, you gotta give it. And then she just busts the door open and started like unhooking his VCR. Well, I'm taking something with me or something like that. Like I got her not to do that ultimately, but like, she was planning on, uh, walking out there with something. And then having to drive a rejected hooker home is such a hilarious like conversation.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:44Speaker 02

  She's like, actually, I probably went in there with a bad attitude because I didn't want to fuck him. Like, sure. Yeah, sweetheart, you got it.

• 18:51Speaker 02

  But the man.

• 18:52Speaker 00

  I'm glad I didn't get his VCR. I didn't even fucking want it, dude.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  The first girl I ever drove, I remember being like impressed by her because she uh, she was just pretty, one.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  It'd be funny if you were like 12 and this is just your paper route.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  I was like, I was 18, I think.

• 19:10Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  18 or 19. I only did this for a very short amount of time.

• 19:13Speaker 00

  How'd you get this gig?

• 19:15Speaker 02

  My friend, Ernie, was dating a girl whose dad was just like, probably like weird connected shit or something like that. And it was like, they had a guy who like uh, just ran stripper. It was supposed to just be strippers ultimately. And like, oh yeah, you just go there and whatever. I found out very quick because the guy was like, all the other drivers for this company were like old men. I remember asking the guy one time, like, how the fuck?

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  It's like, am I the only? And I feel like I'm in danger a lot. And he was like, well, he goes, they have guns. Like, you don't have a gun? And I was like, no. And he was like, do you want one? And I was like, no. And he's like, you sure? I'm like, yeah, dude. Cause I get too nervous. So I was like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pull out way too early. Cause I'll be nervous. It's always like 15 guys, you know what I mean?

• 20:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 02

  I've had him say things like, you're supposed to stop us. Will we do anything? And I'd be like, yeah, me and this guy are supposed to stop us. I'd be in a circle already pointing at everybody.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  Trying to John Wick both hands.

• 20:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was terrifying.

• 20:15Speaker 00

  Set a bachelor party in the Polka dots.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  No, I was always last. Same company is the one I did the dressing up at kids' parties for.

• 20:22Speaker 00

  That was the funniest.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  What?

• 20:23Speaker 00

  Hold on, I, I know you've told this story a million times, but can you please tell us that story?

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Which?

• 20:28Speaker 00

  The dressing up and?

• 20:30Speaker 02

  There was a couple of them. The Elmo, the Elmo was the most. The Elmo? Yeah, yeah.

• 20:35Speaker 00

  Let me get that story.

• 20:37Speaker 02

  That was the first one they sent me to. The guy was like, hey, if you want to make more money, I also during the day, the stripper company does kids' parties, where you dress up as the costumes. Same guy, you go to the same guy's house with his fucking Koi pond and pick up the fucking bag. Uh, the trash bag, mind you, full of costume. That was like, not the, uh, licensed ones, I guess you'd say, you know, they were like shitty costume.

• 21:01Speaker 00

  Knockoff Elmos.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  So I was Elmo and they sent me, I was the last call for the stripper thing and this, like the, you know, we need somebody. Our main guys can't do it. So I always got the shittiest gigs and I mean like real, like North Philly. Like scary places to go and I went as a Elmo. Right away, no one's happy to see me. They're like, why is a white guy with a garbage bag coming to our front door? And, uh, then they let me in and I was like, yeah, I'm doing the, I'm do, I'm here for the kids, for you know, I'm Elmo. And they go, alright, go change in the back. It's sweltering hot. It's like summertime. I put on the Elmo costume. And then I come out to start the, and they, I, uh, tell them like, you know, the lady's yelling at me to do the hokey pokey.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  But I was giving her, I gave her like a CD you have to like put in. And she was like, we ain't got no player here. Just do the hokey. She kept yelling, do the hokey pokey. Abby, which is a funny thing to be yelled at. And you know, I got a little screen. I'm like, miss. It's sort of the closer, you know, like the hokey pokey with all the kids. And then, um, what's it called? This like, this little girl, this little black girl, like Barrettsner, she was so cute. Like it was a moment where I was like, oh, this is cool. Like this kid, cause she did like the hug. She hugged my leg and love you, Elmo. And, uh, and then kids, like bad kids, you could tell, were coming in the block on bikes. And they came to the party and while this girl's literally hugging my leg, the kid was like, yeah, that ain't the real Elmo. And she's like, yes, it is.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  And he's like, he's like, no, it ain't. And he starts looking through the grill thing. He's just like, you see?

• 22:37Speaker 00

  Get out of here, motherfucker.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm, I'm going, come on kid. And he just lifts the sleeve up of the thing and screams, he goes, Elmo's white.

• 22:47Matt McCusker?

  Dude, that's like beating a shark cage.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  And the mom came over and she was yelling at the kid. That is, she goes, no, this is Elmo, honey. This is Elmo. And the little girl's getting upset. And then the kid just pointed at her and you're almost going like, hey kid, stop. And he goes, if that's the real Elmo, why is he wearing FUBU sneakers? Which I was.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Sick.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  FUBU sneakers.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  And then the kid said, uh, he goes, he goes, let's see if Elmo has nuts. And then I couldn't find him out of my little screen. And I was turning, and then he just launched me.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  And like, no repercussions.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Sucked you in the balls.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  I mean, like, like, but no, but like his, like the top of his foot. The top of his foot hit like my ass crack. Like he was.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  He got in it.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  See if Elmo has balls. And look into his screen like.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  It was like Hurt Locker swing.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Look like Iron Man in his mask.

• 23:50Matt McCusker?

  You wouldn't expect a from behind nut kick. That was truly a master. That was a young master.

• 23:54Speaker 02

  No, no, no, not from behind. It was from the front. He got me from the front.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  It was so in there.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  An ankle of gooch.

• 24:06Matt McCusker?

  That is crazy though to leave like a, I'm presuming a slightly fucked up household and spy Elmo. Like, I'm ruining this shit.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  I have less scary stories from the stripper thing than, uh, than the kids' parties, dude. The kids, uh, the, one time I went, any owner of this company would say whatever to sell.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Sorry, we got some plumbers here. They're going wild.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  The owner of the, uh, company would say whatever to sell the gig.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  The house.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Getting all your poops out.

• 24:33Speaker 02

  The, uh, the owner would do anything to sell the gig.

• 24:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 24:36Speaker 02

  So I was just, I was gonna be as Winnie the Pooh to a kid's party, North Philly. And I get in there and then the guy goes, as soon as I get there. The guy, the guy goes, as soon as I get in there, it's like, uh, he goes, yo, where's the presents and balloons? And I was like, which I thought was even a weird thing that someone would ever believe that's gonna happen. I'm like, you wanna just bring random presents for your child? I don't even know if he's a boy or a girl or what? And he's like, well, I was told you'd bring presents and balloons. So I was like, well, I'm sorry. I go, let me call the company. And I called the guy and the guy was like, yeah, I just said, cause you're there already. Like they're gonna.

• 25:14Speaker 00

  Oh, he was like.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  He was like, he was like, yeah, no, he said, told him that's a bullshit. And he goes, put him on the phone and now like, I didn't know this was the scam. Put him on the phone and now we'll take a couple bucks off. But you're already there. And I was like, okay. So like.

• 25:27Speaker 00

  It's also crazy to be like, yeah, we don't need to get the presents. Winnie the Pooh is gonna come bring all the presents and decorations.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  They said they would, that would, yeah. He said he's gonna bring presents. Like, what?

• 25:37Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  So, um, the guy was like, uh, he gets him on the phone. He's like, all right. And I go into his house and it was like the, uh, do you remember the party in Menace Society where Kane beat the guy who was talking shit about Jada Pinkett?

• 25:51Speaker 00

  No.

• 25:51Matt McCusker?

  Not really.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  It was like that party.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  It was.

• 25:54Speaker 00

  All right. That still gives me a good idea.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Multiple dice games going on, two babies in high chairs eating Cheerios, the only children at this party. And it's one of those kids' birthday. So, uh, when I go in, the guy was like, uh, I was like, where could I change? And he goes, go upstairs. Is it bad?

• 26:11Speaker 00

  No, fuck it.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  He was like, go upstairs, uh, and change in the bed. So I went up to the bedroom and closed the door. And it was fucking, uh.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Sorry, my plumbers, they're just drummers.

• 26:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, they're just fucking, they're doing some.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:24Matt McCusker?

  They're all right. They figured it out.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  Dukes, dude. Just sorting it out. Sorry to interrupt.

• 26:28Speaker 00

  No, it's all right.

• 26:29Matt McCusker?

  So you're up in the bedroom?

• 26:30Speaker 02

  I go up in this bedroom, I close the door and the guy's like, don't close that door, motherfucker. And I was like, I already did. And he was like, um, the door, like when you close it, it won't open.

• 26:40Matt McCusker?

  Oh, no.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  So now I have to wait for them to take the door off the hinges. And I was, it was funny, like the door, it literally fell, it was like an old Philly, like shitty house.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  This heavy ass door, like they take off the hinges and it goes and it hits the bed, like the dust comes up. And I'm literally standing there, holding a Winnie the Pooh, like the right stuff, like I'm holding like an astronaut's helmet.

• 27:00Matt McCusker?

  So you weren't dressed as poo, just not with the head on yet?

• 27:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, no head on. And then I went downstairs and I gave the guy, gave the CD to put in for the hokey pokey songs, whatever. And the guy goes, "Just dance to what's on," which I do recall was Dr. Dre's 2001 Chronic.

• 27:17Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  So I just like hokey pokey danced to that for two kids in high chairs for like a half hour or so. And then it was, and the guys were just doing their thing and kind of not paying attention to me. And then I was like, uh, I was like, "Oh man," he goes, "Kids are adorable." Like, "Thanks so much, you know, sorry about the miscommunication earlier." I go, "I'm gonna go upstairs and change, uh, back into my clothes and get out of here." And he was like, "Nah, man, just get out of my house." I thought he was like being playful for us. I was like, "Yeah." I go, "I know," because the thing before, he was like, "Man, I'm done. Just get the fuck out." And I was like, "Well, I gotta go change." And he was like, "Not here." And so then, not thinking, I took the head off to be like, "Yo, man, come on." Like, not like to start shit with him, just almost to plead like, "Buddy, come on, let me check."

• 28:01Speaker 02

  And then the kids started fucking screaming. They just saw Winnie the Pooh remove his skull. And then they physically pushed me out of the house and I ran to my, my mom's. I ran to my mom's chivvett and I drove a stick shift home with Winnie the Pooh hands on.

• 28:16Matt McCusker?

  Where's your, all your clothes are in the house?

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Uh, you know, I had the bag. They were in the bag and stuff. But it's my trash bag of my clothes. They said Winnie the Pooh. But that was a hilariously far more scary job.

• 28:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's some fucking bullshit, man.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Because most of the time the strippers were just, there was only one stripper I drove that was like genuinely putting herself through med school. Like their actual story that you always hear. Like she was really doing it, which was, made her not a good stripper. Because that was when she was the girl that every time they were like, "Uh, this guy's touching my tit." I'm like, "You have it in his mouth."

• 28:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you're a stripper.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  She's like, "Go fight this guy. He's doing this." She's like, "Please, you have to let him touch your butt, I think."

• 28:53Matt McCusker?

  You could have been like, "You have a bright future ahead of you. I don't want to ruin your medical school."

• 28:57Speaker 02

  But the first girl I ever drove.

• 29:00Speaker 02

  In that, I don't remember, I think her real name, fake name or real name was Candace. Whatever it was, I drove her. She was really cute and we went to a party. A bachelor party and she was like, are they sawing now? Are they sawing pipes?

• 29:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, you wanna pause for a minute?

• 29:19Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 29:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 29:21Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

• 29:23Speaker 00

  We love Butter, BetterHelp.

• 29:24Matt McCusker?

  And love ButterHelp. As nice as it would be.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  To help with the butter. The ButterHelp.

• 29:31Matt McCusker?

  As nice as it would be, you don't have all the answers. Prompt for a host riff. I struggled with, dot, dot, dot.

• 29:40Matt McCusker?

  I personally, I don't like to get into this, but I struggled with deep sexual feelings for amphibians.

• 29:46Matt McCusker?

  Until I got help from.

• 29:48Speaker 00

  ButterHelp.

• 29:49Matt McCusker?

  BetterHelp, ButterHelp.

• 29:51Speaker 00

  ButterHelp.

• 29:52Matt McCusker?

  And we overcame that struggle because they were like, it was like a stern father, like, oh, you wanna smoke cigarettes? Well, how about you do a hundred of them?

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, you wanna have sex with frogs all the time?

• 30:02Matt McCusker?

  ButterHelp said, how about you do a hundred of them, tough guy?

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Box him a hundred frogs and you don't come out of that room until you creep by every one of those fuckers mouths.

• 30:10Matt McCusker?

  I said, but ButterHelp.

• 30:18Matt McCusker?

  It's important that you have a good support system, you know, people you can go to when the going gets tough. Like your therapist from ButterHelp.

• 30:31Matt McCusker?

  They're always nice to have in your corner because there are times when you can't go to your family or friends.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  Can't tell your family about those frogs. Can't tell anyone about that. You gotta go to ButterHelp.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  You gotta get on a Zoom call and go, I wanna fuck frogs. They go, holy shit, we gotta help.

• 30:50Matt McCusker?

  Trust me, professional. Oh, my God. Yes, we already riffed. We riffed with our things that helped us. Therapy is great because, I mean, dude, just after I stopped my whole thing with those amphibians, my social skills were much more positive. I overcame those problems and I learned how to reach out. I learned how to reach out for help in a safe space.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 31:08Matt McCusker?

  So if you want to try, if you want to give therapy a try and you're not sure where to begin, check out Butterhelp.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Still can't, still can't really go near any bodies of water. You know?

• 31:18Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 31:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, because of, due to the possibility of a frog would send me into a frenzy.

• 31:24Matt McCusker?

  Oh, bro, trust me. When you're on the edge of a pond and you don't even see the frog, but you hear it jump into the water, I go, I just want to fucking jump in after and

• 31:31Speaker 00

  catch it.

• 31:32Matt McCusker?

  bring that thing out. Hopefully I kiss it and it turns into a prince.

• 31:37Matt McCusker?

  Guys, check out BetterHelp. It's fully online, so easy to get started. And they have access to a wide range of credentialed therapists, over 30,000 with all sorts of different specialties.

• 31:47Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 31:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, guys, guys, sorry, I had some motherfucking boogers.

• 31:50Speaker 00

  It's all right.

• 31:51Matt McCusker?

  Check out Build Your Support System. Booger Help. Build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/mssp to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash M S S P.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, and all jokes aside, BetterHelp's a great company.

• 32:10Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude, they do fucking rock with this.

• 32:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, they do rock.

• 32:14Matt McCusker?

  Thank you, Butterhelp.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  Butterhelp. Hey, we just got back from that fantastic ad read.

• 32:19Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Seriously, that is the best underwear or something?

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was the best dick pill underwear.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  Yo, this kratom probably isn't addictive.

• 32:29Speaker 00

  No one's gonna think you're a loser this time. Dude, I, you guys, I always associate kratom with Gas Digital.

• 32:37Speaker 02

  How could you not?

• 32:37Speaker 00

  And then I came down to Austin.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  Yo, Kratom presents Gas Digital.

• 32:40Matt McCusker?

  You guys are like the Sacklers of kratom.

• 32:42Speaker 00

  But then I came down here in Austin and It was one of those like Huberman said it works type. Like I don't think he did, but like that type of mindset, cause down here, that's what everyone is.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Craterheads?

• 32:54Speaker 00

  No, but like, uh.

• 32:55Matt McCusker?

  Huberman dads.

• 32:56Speaker 00

  Huberman like Zen is actually a neurotropic, so it's good for you, like that.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 32:59Matt McCusker?

  One milligram a day.

• 33:00Speaker 00

  You can't just enjoy anything. It's gotta be science.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  You can't just go, yeah, like, but, uh, they're like kratom, they were just kratom in nice bottles in the green room.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  Have we put this kratom?

• 33:09Speaker 00

  I was like, what the fuck are you guys doing?

• 33:11Speaker 02

  Have we put this under the Rogan scope yet?

• 33:13Speaker 00

  No, it was under there.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  It was like, Joe, get your loop.

• 33:15Speaker 00

  He goes, oh, this, this is different.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Like, yeah, it's cool.

• 33:18Matt McCusker?

  They do have, yeah, they do have little kratom, like five hour energy type things.

• 33:22Speaker 02

  Those are awesome. It's the only one Josh Edemir's got me to try was the little, I think it's Ohms or something it's called. It's like this big. It's a drink. I mean, you shouldn't drink it all. It's this big.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  If you drink it all, you will, I believe like opiates, get violently nauseous for, uh, five minutes or so. And then it's great.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Really?

• 33:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:47Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  When that nausea goes away, awesome.

• 33:50Speaker 00

  It's a ride.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. I wrote three full Nirvana albums. New music too. I just know it's theirs.

• 34:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, so before we left, you said you were, you had, you were the class of the prettiest.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  First girl I ever drove.

• 34:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Very pretty. Yeah. And so, and she was so pretty that I was like, you know, the self-soothing of like, what she's doing is actually great.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:17Speaker 02

  Cause we went to this party and I always remember the thing was she had a, she was, all right, guys, we're gonna play a game. She controlled the room too, which I thought, that's hilarious.

• 34:27Speaker 00

  We'll be right back after another ad from heroin.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  After these words from.

• 34:33Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  Heroin.

• 34:34Matt McCusker?

  The timing's unbelievable.

• 34:37Speaker 02

  That was wild. It was pin drop.

• 34:39Matt McCusker?

  It was, it was quiet.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  And we're back.

• 34:43Matt McCusker?

  As you were saying.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  First trip I ever drove.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  It's coming. It's coming.

• 34:50Speaker 02

  Sorry guys, gotta do some light belt sanding.

• 34:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's on me. Hand up accountability. Honestly, I was told they'd be out of here.

• 34:59Matt McCusker?

  It's all good.

• 35:02Speaker 02

  So yeah, the first girl I ever drove, went to this place, said she was controlling the room, which I thought was like, again, I just thought she was pretty, so I was just like, and I'm the person driving her. So you're like, am I falling in love with this girl? And she's, she looks good, and then she starts doing this thing that's so raunchy. But again, I liked her so much that I thought it was a brilliant business thing. I've talked about this where I'm like, smart move. This is called something in business, what she just did.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  What'd she, what'd she?

• 35:29Speaker 02

  She would go, alright guys, we're playing this game. Five dollars, ten dollars, or twenty dollars. And it was like for five dollars, so she rolls it up like a coke straw, whatever you give her. And then she'll put it like, in her pussy, basically. But she keeps her fingers, like, at the base, do you know what I mean? And so it's like for five dollars, she puts it in a little bit, for ten, a little bit more, and you take it out with your mouth, out of her pussy. You're making the right face. I, um, if you were wondering if you were making the right face, you are.

• 36:03Speaker 00

  I was going.

• 36:04Speaker 02

  He goes, okay. Well, yeah, here's the problem with any kind of story of a bachelor party. Your mindset there will tend to be different, I think, you know what I mean? You're hearing it later, you're like, ugh, money in a pussy, and then money in my mouth? Like, all those things are wrong. And then my mouth near money, near a hooker pussy? This is all bad. But, everybody did the twenty dollars, because it would be the closest. But the funny thing, I was always like, well, it's crazy, because no matter how much you put in there, you could fit it in your mouth, and you, you're only getting as close as her fingers.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:37Speaker 02

  But you're never actually getting closer to her pussy.

• 36:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  But every guy did the twenty, and I was like, it's genius.

• 36:44Matt McCusker?

  Well, it's funny to be like, let me do the five, I'm gonna stay on the periphery. It's crazy, I'll just take a fiver, let me just like get, like, let me feel the warmth of it.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  Right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, let me get a five dollar smell test in.

• 36:56Matt McCusker?

  What about three fives? That'd be the move. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna back to back three fives.

• 37:00Speaker 02

  That is the move. Right. For, for twenty dollars in fives, you could go four times and get the same experience.

• 37:05Matt McCusker?

  Can you inhale the air through the bill?

• 37:08Speaker 02

  I assume you could if you wanted to.

• 37:09Matt McCusker?

  Just scuba a little bit.

• 37:13Speaker 00

  Exciting.

• 37:14Matt McCusker?

  Take a one deep hit.

• 37:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. If something comes through the straw, it's free for you to. Oh, no. What is that? Toilet paper crumb?

• 37:23Matt McCusker?

  This is bad news. True, that'd be, that'd be a bonus.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  But anyway, I thought she was, I thought she was an angel sent from heaven to do that.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  I've never been at a bachelor party that was, uh, crazy.

• 37:33Matt McCusker?

  We went, we had one where there was, I think I told you about it. There was a lady who had just visibly must have just given birth not very long ago.

• 37:41Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 37:42Matt McCusker?

  So she had like that skin and we were all calling her brain belly.

• 37:46Matt McCusker?

  Dude, you go get a lap dance from brain belly.

• 37:50Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, they, uh, it was actually.

• 37:51Speaker 00

  They're all brain belly, but go ahead.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  Well, this girl, this girl on our drive home.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  Sometimes guys get it and they didn't even give birth, but whatever.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  When I was driving her home, she goes, we stopped at a seven eleven. And I remember she goes in and she bought one of, uh, those like single individual roses for herself. And I was like, I'm like, what's that for? And she goes, it was just this sad, like, I always buy myself flowers at the end of a work night because I deserve it. And then I, uh, and then I, now this must've been so creepy for her. I dropped her off at her house. Next day, next day, show up at her house for flowers and I go, you deserve someone else to give you flowers. And, and by the way, she could have been looking back more like, if my abusive boyfriend sees you here, I'm gonna have to ship you that. Like she was like, thank you. Thanks so much. And I'm like,

• 38:42Speaker 02

  and I just think that you should know. And she's like, cool. Thanks. Like, I was like, bye.

• 38:46Matt McCusker?

  She shoved out her pussy. She's like, see you later.

• 38:51Speaker 02

  I go, so if I could just-

• 38:52Speaker 00

  You should have brought a five dollar bill.

• 38:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:53Speaker 00

  Instead of flowers, you should have been like-

• 38:54Speaker 02

  Have one moment of your time with this five dollar bill. So, uh-

• 38:58Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 38:59Speaker 02

  Skip ahead, I started doing comedy, I was doing comedy already, but I- You know, that's like a job I would do like kind of infrequently, but-

• 39:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  When I needed money, I would take it. And so it just, you can just call in the Yellow Pages, any of those places, time and be like, hey, do you need a driver? I've done it before. They'll be like, sure. Most of them will be like, sure. Can you start tonight? Um, so this guy, I called some guy on the phone, I was like, hey, you looking for drivers? I have experience. But he goes, yeah, he goes, the way he does it is you hang out at his house, this guy's apartment, and wait for jobs to come in while the girls sit there with you. So I go to this guy's apartment not far from where my mom, where my mom lives. It was just a couch, a TV, and bodybuilding trophies everywhere. The guy was just like a totally huge jack guy, nice enough guy. And he goes, alright, so you got a, you got a gig, you're taking these two girls. One's this Asian girl, one's my cousin.

• 39:51Speaker 02

  Okay, so the Asian girl shows up. She's nice enough.

• 39:55Matt McCusker?

  She's nice enough.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  The cousin comes. It's the fucking girl. The first girl I ever drove is his cousin. She now, by the way, this girl who was like so hot. We take her to this, or I take her to this party.

• 40:08Matt McCusker?

  She's brain belly.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Everyone, not brain belly, everyone's like into this Asian girl, she's very pretty. And then this girl, they're like, you hear the guys making jokes about her, and it's, she was all like pale now and her asshole was brown and dark.

• 40:23Matt McCusker?

  She had a dog ass, she had like an old dog asshole?

• 40:25Speaker 02

  That came off a lot.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  Dog eyes. Those fucking little tiny ones.

• 40:28Speaker 02

  And they're being mean to her, and I'm almost, you're having that thing where I'm like, I'm like, don't know, you don't know what she's like, this, she's in a rough patch or something.

• 40:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, you had to defend her. You don't fucking talk to her.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  No, but she did look pretty busted, and it was funny, that's my luck, because people ask if I ever fucked any of the strippers ever on that gig. We went back to the cousin's house, and it was just me and her waiting for another gig to come in. And that night, she started like digging her toes, like she was like laying on the couch, and she was like digging her toes like under my thing, kind of like, and I was like, ah, man, not here at your cousin's house. I was like, ah, dude, she has something now, for sure.

• 40:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  And I never saw her ever again, probably dead.

• 41:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Yeah. That is, that's the crazy thing with like, uh, like OnlyFans and all this stuff, like it does, I'm not like being puritanical about it, but it doesn't seem to really work well for women psychologically. Like, they fucking crash hard.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:16Matt McCusker?

  Female porn stars. I was talking about this-

• 41:18Speaker 02

  Oh, there's no, we all thought that Jenna Jameson was like the example of like, look, you could do it and kind of get mainstreamed and not like lose your sense about you. And then, you know, they have the video of her in night vision, like breaking all the cameras in her house. You ever see that? She's like climbing ladders and it's night vision, she's like a raccoon just busting all the cameras in the house.

• 41:38Matt McCusker?

  She was like a 90's porn star. Now it's like, I feel like the hard hardcore stuff back then is like expected now.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, for sure.

• 41:46Matt McCusker?

  You know what I mean?

• 41:49Matt McCusker?

  Hold on, I think they're doing a little flop.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  Somebody back there?

• 41:52Matt McCusker?

  I think he's bringing up one of Ami's turds.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  I think the toilet's just exploding.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  What, is there, is there anyone in there?

• 42:05Speaker 00

  No, toilet's smoking.

• 42:06Matt McCusker?

  What the fuck?

• 42:07Speaker 02

  I kinda, I kinda wanna see this.

• 42:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, go check it out.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  You gotta go see the smoking toilet. I gotta see the smoking toilet.

• 42:12Matt McCusker?

  Break.

• 42:21Matt McCusker?

  It was smoking.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Smoke looks good.

• 42:24Matt McCusker?

  Toilet back there.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  Toilet back there.

• 42:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was smoking big time. Oh, yeah. Straight through the water.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  It's not great. He goes, oh shit.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  I thought smoke was good.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  Oh shit.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  Smokey shit. This house, man.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  Smoke turds?

• 42:47Speaker 00

  There's been turds trapped in the walls since day one. There's all, there's turds are everywhere in the walls.

• 42:53Speaker 02

  You've never-

• 42:53Speaker 00

  I've never hit a plumber once to do that.

• 42:55Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 42:56Speaker 02

  You've never been to a bachelor party? That was a wild one ever?

• 42:58Speaker 00

  No, never.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  With like, like college friends and stuff now?

• 43:01Speaker 00

  No. Never went to a crazy one.

• 43:02Speaker 02

  I've been to-

• 43:03Speaker 00

  Uh, the craziest one was, I think it was, who's fucking party with Louis?

• 43:09Speaker 02

  Zach.

• 43:10Speaker 00

  It was Zach's.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  That's a pretty wild bachelor party.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  That was a wild one, but I, me and O'Connor, that was the first time I really, I think, did Molly.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah?

• 43:19Speaker 00

  And I just sat on a couch.

• 43:20Speaker 02

  Oh, that wasn't Molly, that was, uh, that was actual ecstasy, it was great.

• 43:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was afraid of, I didn't talk to the women at all, and then I was, like, I was on drugs, watching Louis, like, "Yeah, bitch, come here." He's very, not, he wasn't calling him bitch, but he was very, uh...

• 43:34Speaker 02

  Show your butthole, Miss Lady.

• 43:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was very, there was, he was very, he was comfortable with strippers, I'm not.

• 43:39Speaker 02

  No, yeah, Louis threw my bachelor party when I got married, it was, uh, yeah, it's pretty good, he goes pretty hard with it, but the two that I've been to, that I've any, I went to, when my ex-wife's friend was having a bachelor party, they invited me to, I don't know why they wanted, I think they wanted me to come because I'm a comedian, like, they'd come to shows already, so, as in virtual unknown still, they were like, "The comedian guy's coming," and, uh, they had a stripper there that was gorgeous, who was fucking, and I went in the bathroom with her, and I'm such a fucking fat schnook, like, I went there and talked to her for forty-five minutes, where I started hearing people outside the

• 44:22Speaker 02

  door going like, "Hey, man, are you done in there?" He goes, "Who brought this fat guy?" He was like here, like, no one knows who I was, and I'm just hogging the stripper to chat, to chat with her, I go, "Yeah, I used to work in this business a little bit myself."

• 44:32Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 44:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I tried to chat her up, she had no interest, she was almost like, "Hey, are we like fucking here or not?" I was like, "Yeah, you got to do your thing," or whatever, you know?

• 44:43Speaker 00

  Nah, you got enough, you got enough on your plate.

• 44:45Matt McCusker?

  You were trying to have industry talk.

• 44:46Speaker 02

  There was a guy, uh...

• 44:47Speaker 00

  It's time to talk biz.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  There was a guy that used to come to my shows always, I became friendly with him, but I opened for Bobby Slate a million years ago at the West Palm Improv, and afterwards, all these people that came to see him, and the host of the show, who was like a local player, we like, they go, "Oh, we gotta go to the strip club, we have to go to the strip club," we went, and this guy Lorne, who I became friends with, was one of the managers there, and he was like, you know, "Pick a girl," or whatever, it was just like, free rein, and he was always like that kinda, like dude, and a few years back...

• 45:18Speaker 02

  It was in the Comedy Inn in Miami, which is a small little room in the motel, basically.

• 45:23Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  And he's like, I'm coming. And he goes, I got a new, this is a couple of years back. He goes, I got a new company too. I'm bringing a couple of the girls. He's like, and they want to party. And I'm just like, yeah, man, sure.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:35Speaker 02

  So him and his buddy come to bring these two girls who are like super ghetto, like Hispanic girls. Both cute, though. And he was like, hey, you want to go? He goes, they want to go like smoke with you or something before the show. Why don't you take them to like your room or wherever, which is a motel room right there. So I was like, ah, yeah. And I went there, I smoked pot with them, talked to them for a while. And then I was like, but my thing is so like, like me and Louis, where we have different opinion on this a lot of times, like Louis has the why he says he could fuck a hooker is rooted in, he thinks he's like, this must be a nice change for you, huh? Like getting to fuck me instead of like what you think. I assume I'm the other end of that spectrum. So I'm like,

• 46:16Speaker 02

  oh, God, this girl's like gonna have to wash me off later, just being like, what am I? I gotta get my kids back from social services and get my shit together. So like,

• 46:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a fair, that's fair. Yeah, I would feel the same way.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  That's how I feel like, I feel like I'm like, they're like, well, this is my job I have to do. And

• 46:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 02

  Clearly, he told them they should like do something and fuck around with me because, you know, I'm hooking them up with tickets or whatever to this, this little motel comedy club. Yeah.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 02

  So, but in my mind, I'm going like, you know what? Because they're both cute. I'm like, um, they're gonna come to the show. After the show, they're probably gonna really want to fuck me. Maybe it would be the best thing. Or at least I can convince myself.

• 46:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I agree.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  Now they're like, oh, I saw you do your thing. So yeah, now we kind of want to do this.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, let me see you do your thing now.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  After the show, I'm talking to them, I think even a little before the show, they're both giving you, of course, their, like you said, no one gets out of it unscathed, like, they're both giving, they're like, it's like, my boyfriend hates that I do this, man. Like if he beats the shit out of me one more time, my dad's gonna kill him. We're just gonna talk like that. And you're like, okay. And then we're sitting outside bullshitting with the two of them and the two guys, my buddy Lauren, his buddy, and like,

• 47:25Speaker 00

  So I told you these chicks wanted to party, dude.

• 47:27Speaker 02

  Killing time. Yeah, I mean, really killing time. And then the guy eventually goes like, hey, man, we're gonna get out of here pretty soon. So, you know, if you want to take the girls and hang out for a little bit, like, you know, now's the time. And I remember touching him on his arm and I went, give him the night off, man.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  Just give him the night off, man.

• 47:46Matt McCusker?

  How'd they react to that? Were they like, oh, sweet?

• 47:49Speaker 02

  No, they were almost puzzled. Like, everyone, he was even like, no, man, the girls came to like, party and stuff. I was like, I know, but like, even that sentence. It's not like they came in and they were like, they know me and my stuff. Like, they came to party because you were like, hey, you girls want to do coke tonight, probably, for free and drink? Go fuck this guy.

• 48:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 48:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm all right.

• 48:10Matt McCusker?

  You think he was gonna try to get you the bill? He was gonna hit you with the bill, too? He didn't have a tab or anything?

• 48:15Speaker 02

  Not even sort of.

• 48:16Matt McCusker?

  So he was just hooking you up?

• 48:17Speaker 02

  Absolutely, but I couldn't just.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  I'm with you. I would have done the.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  I don't know. It's like, I just, I get it. I get it completely, but I have to believe, or at least be able to believe in some way, like, you want to do this. Not like, you will. I will fuck you.

• 48:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I will say that. It must have been, I don't know if you did this that night, the fap sesh must have been decent, though. It's like, there were two hookers in your room. I feel like that'd be a nice fap sesh.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  No, I've hit the post, like, strip club.

• 48:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 48:43Speaker 00

  Fap sesh where you're like, I could have. And then you go home and you're like, damn, this, I'm, because you're horny. While you're jacking off, you're like, damn, this would have been so much cooler with that fucking lady.

• 48:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 48:53Speaker 00

  Then you come and you go, oh, thank God.

• 48:54Speaker 02

  Exactly. The second you're done.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  You come, well, fucking great. I'm not a bad person.

• 48:57Matt McCusker?

  This part of your brain comes back online. It's like.

• 48:59Speaker 02

  Going on the road before I ever had a laptop, you know, for years, that wasn't really a thing that everybody had a laptop. So, On the Road was a hilarious race. You'd either find, you'd either had that local newspaper, whatever that weird arts paper is that would have hooker ads, the Yellow Pages, and the E-Channel's Girls Gone Wild infomercial. And it was a race to like, can I just jerk off and not make a terrible mistake right now?

• 49:26Speaker 02

  And you have to remind yourself, you go, as soon as it's over, you're gonna be like, I don't really have $200 to be throwing around like that or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, all of it is so bad. As soon as you're done, you're like, perfect night. You really made the right decision there, big guy. Thank you, Girls Gone Wild. I mean, who doesn't know? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  We were all probably hitting the same commercial a couple of times.

• 49:47Matt McCusker?

  Big time.

• 49:47Speaker 00

  You know how when it's like, if you look at the moon?

• 49:49Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm pretty sure.

• 49:49Speaker 00

  Anytime on earth, if we stare at the moon at the same time, it's like, those girls go wild. We might be out there.

• 49:54Matt McCusker?

  Stern, if you had like a lady naked, I'd be like.

• 49:56Speaker 00

  We were probably catching it at the same time.

• 49:57Matt McCusker?

  See Stern, you'd be like, fuck, dude, fuck, dude. I'm not trying to jerk the Stern.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Fuck out of here, Stern.

• 50:02Matt McCusker?

  Get out of here, Stern. You look like a witch.

• 50:05Speaker 00

  Does look like a witch.

• 50:06Matt McCusker?

  He does. Looks like a bruhah.

• 50:08Speaker 00

  He is a bruhah dude.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  Howard Stern?

• 50:10Matt McCusker?

  He's a juha.

• 50:11Speaker 00

  He's a juha. He's a bitch.

• 50:16Matt McCusker?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 50:21Speaker 00

  Oh, I like this.

• 50:21Matt McCusker?

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still just one scoop, once a day. Vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mixes great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Packaged travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out. So hurry up and go to drinkag1.com/secretpod and for a limited time only, get a free immune support bundle,

• 51:06Matt McCusker?

  including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/secretpod.

• 51:16Speaker 04

  Para los grandes, para los chicos, para los bajos y los altos, los pacifistas, los valientes. Para los optimistas y los pesimistas, los que valoran lo de adentro. Para los que están lejos, los que no vende lejos y los que no vende cerca. Para los introvertidos y los extrovertidos, para los que piensan y los que hacen. Para los que nos mostraron el camino. Coca-Cola para todos. Compra una Coca-Cola en una tienda cerca de usted.

• 51:46Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, that's the best. Getting like, I mean, squiggle vision was the fucking ultimate. I wish.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:51Matt McCusker?

  I was on the road when squiggle vision.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Fucking horny dad with Spice Channel.

• 51:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Spice Channel. And then I got a, at one point at, one of my first roommates in New York, worked for the cable company. So we had unlocked Spice and Playboy Channel and like, those are really like, that was still the era, like everything was on DVD or you had to download. So it was like, you did it, but it was like, so not good, the Playboy Channel.

• 52:19Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:20Speaker 02

  It's still like, the fact that they made any kind of what you would describe as vanilla pornography.

• 52:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:24Speaker 02

  In the world is still strange to me that it exists. Like.

• 52:28Matt McCusker?

  Like softcore you're saying, or just?

• 52:29Speaker 00

  But I mean, it was just naked women.

• 52:31Matt McCusker?

  But yeah.

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, they weren't even doing anything. It was just naked women.

• 52:34Speaker 02

  Maybe it's just the naked women stuff, but I mean, like, just all of it's gotten so like, uh, like the fact that anyone can go back and be like, whatever you'd like, dude, Maxim magazine has the 50 hottest bikini babes pictorial, like, who gives a shit?

• 52:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:48Speaker 02

  It's like, there's a girl this pretty taking a dump in a sink on the internet.

• 52:54Matt McCusker?

  And I can eat it if I joined her.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  That really eats these things out, you know what I mean?

• 52:57Speaker 00

  I can get a vial of it sent to my house. And I'm gonna suck that vial down.

• 53:02Speaker 02

  I'm interviewing in a few weeks, I believe, where we got Farr Abraham. And I told the person who's sending her to us, so that's the teen-

• 53:09Speaker 00

  I'll do some research.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  That's MTV's Teen Mom.

• 53:12Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  And then she started doing like porn. She did a couple porn videos, like pro porn videos, then she started doing like cam stuff, but then, La Mer, you're familiar with this, then she took a video of herself for somebody taking a dump. That is, I don't know where this dump was inside of her tiny body.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  She smoked out a toilet.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  She smoked one out for the OF.

• 53:34Speaker 02

  Well, she's not, she shits right on the floor, but like an animal. But I mean, it is a shit I've watched so many times because it's fascinating. It's like a cork pops, like one little shit comes out, and then two straight feet of connected shit. And then-

• 53:52Speaker 00

  Do you have this on your phone?

• 53:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, somewhere.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  Cause I'd like to take a look at this dump.

• 53:58Matt McCusker?

  So she's segwayed Teen Moms into her OnlyFans? I mean, she's proud, what is she now?

• 54:02Speaker 02

  And she's still Teen Mom.

• 54:03Speaker 00

  She's dropping chocolate babies.

• 54:04Speaker 02

  Probably in her 30s, but now, but now she's a-

• 54:06Matt McCusker?

  She dropped a magnum opus.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  She's doing stand-up comedy.

• 54:10Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 54:11Speaker 00

  Obviously.

• 54:11Speaker 02

  Uh, so her first time stand-up comedy is gonna be at a strip club in New York, so she's coming on the bonfire to promote it.

• 54:16Matt McCusker?

  That's so sick.

• 54:17Speaker 02

  And I told the person, I was like, first thing I'm asking about is this dump.

• 54:22Speaker 02

  I go, I don't know, I know there's no audio on it, so I have to assume as soon as it was finished coming out, did you go, "Phew"?

• 54:30Speaker 00

  I can't wait to see this doll.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  It's pretty good.

• 54:34Matt McCusker?

  The cork popping is so underrated. Just a cork pop. I might be a cork pop, but yo, just caught it after the cork pops.

• 54:43Speaker 00

  I never caught the poop, but I- Seen their other work.

• 54:46Matt McCusker?

  Damn dude, just a rogue lady, just five, she's probably, probably like five cappuccinos a day. Five whipped cream Starbucks a day.

• 54:56Matt McCusker?

  Just brewing the two footer.

• 55:00Speaker 00

  She should have held it up like a fisherman at the end, like.

• 55:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you wash the python.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  You might have to take a picture, yeah, you might have to, like a hunter, yeah, you gotta sit over it with the antlers.

• 55:12Speaker 02

  This might be a job for Reddit.

• 55:13Matt McCusker?

  Imagine being the guy, get all that bang for your buck, being like, I didn't think it was gonna be this amazing. I thought it was gonna be like a pathetic girl turd.

• 55:20Speaker 00

  Oh, that guy must have.

• 55:24Speaker 00

  He had that coming.

• 55:27Matt McCusker?

  I get jealous of those guys who can like just have that aspect of your life where you're just constantly scheming all like filming the girl taking a dump.

• 55:36Matt McCusker?

  That would add such a charge to like your whole life.

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's tough to get porn here. Governor Abbott's locking down the turd porn.

• 55:43Matt McCusker?

  I know dude.

• 55:43Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 55:45Matt McCusker?

  Turd porn, turd porn should be the most legal of all.

• 55:47Speaker 02

  I don't have a VPN for turd porn.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  It should be equal with child porn to me. If you're watching turd porn, you should be in fucking prison, getting beat up. Other guys in there, they're like, you the turd porn guy?

• 56:00Matt McCusker?

  You should be a PC. My thing is, it's just, it's not even sexual, I'm taking a dump, I'd be like, Governor, I'm not, you're the one getting horny with this.

• 56:06Speaker 00

  Governor, your honor.

• 56:07Matt McCusker?

  I just wanted to make sure this lady was healthy, taking a proper dump.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  This is the last, this is Jeffery, Bing, Bing will have it.

• 56:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I mean, this is, so she, was it like a private video that got leaked?

• 56:20Speaker 02

  No, no, no, this is for somebody who paid her to do it.

• 56:23Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying, but like, it was on the pub, like, public chain, like, the public page, or like, how did this vid get out? I guess you can't keep it to yourself, you tell 12 people, it basically told the world.

• 56:33Speaker 02

  It's true.

• 56:34Matt McCusker?

  Show 12 of your bu, I mean, that video would, nothing would fa, spread faster than that though.

• 56:40Matt McCusker?

  That's why it spreads though.

• 56:43Speaker 00

  I'd like to see it.

• 56:44Speaker 02

  I'm gonna find it for you.

• 56:46Matt McCusker?

  What you got, Guardian?

• 56:47Speaker 02

  I just, just, I had a bunch of scat pornography.

• 56:50Matt McCusker?

  He might be a shit porn guy. That's the number one shit porn.

• 56:52Speaker 00

  He's got the voice of a shit.

• 56:53Matt McCusker?

  He's trying to smell, he's trying to smell it, Deling us right now. He's like, um, I got it right here on my phone. I don't like this stuff.

• 56:59Speaker 00

  It's in the file I have here.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  No, I don't like it.

• 57:02Speaker 00

  It's in my homework file.

• 57:03Speaker 02

  That's not true.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  You got the voice of a scat man.

• 57:05Matt McCusker?

  One of us had, there gotta be one shit porn guy in this room.

• 57:08Speaker 00

  Scooby doo bop bop.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  Scooby doo biddy biddy bop bop.

• 57:12Matt McCusker?

  Did you get it, look, Guardian, did you get it?

• 57:14Speaker 02

  I got it for you.

• 57:16Speaker 00

  It's just black ladies poop.

• 57:21Matt McCusker?

  What are they dropping?

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Hang on.

• 57:27Speaker 00

  Let me take a look at this.

• 57:32Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 57:39Matt McCusker?

  This is an impressive shit.

• 57:40Speaker 00

  Hotter than I've...

• 57:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, I wasn't...

• 57:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:48Matt McCusker?

  Is she talk, is she talking to me?

• 57:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:51Matt McCusker?

  No, dude, no.

• 57:53Speaker 02

  Now, you'll see.

• 57:54Matt McCusker?

  No, no.

• 57:56Speaker 02

  All right, here we go. Now, the first, the first one's not impressive.

• 57:59Matt McCusker?

  It looks like, no.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  Now, the first one's just gonna pop out. That's the cork.

• 58:03Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Now, here. One foot, two feet.

• 58:13Matt McCusker?

  That's like three and a half.

• 58:14Speaker 02

  And then, then...

• 58:19Speaker 02

  So if you guys have any questions you want me to ask?

• 58:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, they injected, they injected that. I think that was fake poop.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  You'd like to think that.

• 58:28Matt McCusker?

  That was a legit dump.

• 58:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:30Speaker 00

  Drunk or dumped, dude.

• 58:32Speaker 02

  Shane, you've had a problem always appreciating others' talents.

• 58:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, that could be.

• 58:38Matt McCusker?

  Cork is the craziest detail. There's no way.

• 58:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, that might be the real deal.

• 58:43Speaker 02

  The first thing that breaks out, yeah.

• 58:44Matt McCusker?

  Do you think there might, here, here's my question I like to ask her, is there some sort of prep? If you know you got a big, like, you know, gardenia hit you up, you know you have the big dump.

• 58:52Speaker 02

  Hey, yo. Big dump, do you? I have to assume.

• 58:56Matt McCusker?

  What's the regimen? Do you like hit a bunch of fiber?

• 58:57Speaker 02

  It seems like she was stacking them for sure inside of herself because that's, I mean.

• 59:01Speaker 00

  Those three dumps.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  It was, I mean, when she was done, in fact, she just, like, they showed the longer one, like, she turns around and it's kind of like, did you like that? And I was like, how are you not, like, taking a little siesta after that? That's one, like, when you're done, you gotta go, wow, that must have been in there for a while.

• 59:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, she just passed that like nothing.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  She goes, yeah, I tell you shit, a big fucking two-coiler.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  God bless her heart.

• 59:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 59:26Speaker 02

  You put it in your to-do notes?

• 59:27Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 59:28Matt McCusker?

  They probably go super fiber.

• 59:32Matt McCusker?

  Probably super, it's like fiber powder probably for two days, knowing they have the big vid coming out.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Definitely the most famous person to ever make a shit video.

• 59:40Matt McCusker?

  Blippi, remember Blippi did that, the Harlem Shake video?

• 59:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's hilarious.

• 59:44Matt McCusker?

  Blippi, the guy who's the kid's entertainer, before he became a child entertainer, made it, you remember that Harlem Shake dance everyone would do? Like bum bum bum bum bum? Uh, he took a video where he was sitting on the to- it was him on the, no, his friend was on the toilet, and he just shit all over his friend.

• 59:59Speaker 00

  Like an explosive, massive dump.

• 1:00:01Matt McCusker?

  And everyone was just like, whatever, my kid likes this show.

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  Did you ever, you guys ever watch the old, uh?

• 1:00:06Matt McCusker?

  Allegedly.

• 1:00:06Speaker 02

  The, the old, uh, what's his name? Chuck Berry, the old Chuck Berry videos? Chuck Berry farts, one of the funniest. Yeah, he goes, give me that fog.

• 1:00:17Speaker 00

  I love the lady's face, she's like.

• 1:00:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, he goes, ooh, get that fog.

• 1:00:22Speaker 00

  Sure had Bob's back out of it.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  Whoa, there it is, it's real.

• 1:00:28Speaker 02

  You like that fart?

• 1:00:29Speaker 00

  Farting, farting in hookers faces is fucking wild.

• 1:00:37Speaker 02

  I mean, you're paying for it. You just gotta be able to do what you want.

• 1:00:41Matt McCusker?

  Even back then, there was no like, I mean, there was a newspaper, but there were, you didn't think anything would ever get out. Like, if you farted in a hooker's face, there'd be a part of your head being like, this is gonna be on BuzzFeed. You would just be like, this is gonna make its way. Back then, it was just like, I can literally do-

• 1:00:55Speaker 00

  He must have, he filmed it.

• 1:00:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  He filmed it.

• 1:00:58Matt McCusker?

  I don't wanna, again, this is speculation, huge chance that was like a thirteen year old girl, huge chance. Back in like the fifties, you could fart, what is it, like the fifties?

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  No, you could see it.

• 1:01:07Matt McCusker?

  Okay.

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  There's a video of it.

• 1:01:08Speaker 02

  She's grown woman. Yeah, hookers, they're like actually pretty gnarly looking hookers.

• 1:01:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:12Matt McCusker?

  Can I take that back?

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  I mean, they're hitting farts.

• 1:01:14Matt McCusker?

  I was just venturing to like, back then, you could really, that, those dudes did like everything.

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:18Matt McCusker?

  Like Led Zeppelin, apparently.

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  They're letting the lead out.

• 1:01:19Matt McCusker?

  They're getting, they're letting the lead out.

• 1:01:21Speaker 02

  That was a-

• 1:01:22Matt McCusker?

  I take that back.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  On Howard Stern a few years back, one of the, the famous groupies, like from like BB Buell or one of them like came in to talk and kind of do like a tell-all book. And like, just so casually, the way she goes, oh yeah, like, I don't know if she lost her virginity, but she was like, when she was fifteen, she basically got gang-banged by the Allman Brothers, like backstage. But the difference is that she's just going like, oh, it was great. Like, cause she's telling the story like that, it just gets no legs, like no one cares.

• 1:01:49Matt McCusker?

  The Allman Brothers, bro?

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:51Matt McCusker?

  That's crazy.

• 1:01:53Matt McCusker?

  The Allman Eskimo Brothers, dude.

• 1:01:54Speaker 02

  Hell yeah.

• 1:01:56Matt McCusker?

  Bold.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  The Allman Brothers.

• 1:01:57Matt McCusker?

  Oh, true.

• 1:01:59Speaker 00

  Now we're talking, that's just a joke for you, I mean. No, that's not for the pod.

• 1:02:03Matt McCusker?

  I thought you were pointing to bowl, I'm like, that is quite bold.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  Pointed at a jar of almonds.

• 1:02:08Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's so fucking funny.

• 1:02:09Speaker 00

  The Allman Brothers. Come on now.

• 1:02:11Matt McCusker?

  Come on now. Damn, you think the Allman Brothers were like laying pipe like that? I don't, I don't, you think they were laying pipe?

• 1:02:16Speaker 00

  I mean, they're fif- it's fifteen year olds.

• 1:02:18Speaker 02

  It's the seventies.

• 1:02:19Matt McCusker?

  The seven, yeah. Back then, when did you used to be able to get your driver's license?

• 1:02:25Speaker 00

  I don't know. I don't think they even did it back then.

• 1:02:29Matt McCusker?

  Shame on you all, my brothers.

• 1:02:31Speaker 02

  I just think.

• 1:02:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:02:35Speaker 02

  But I think there's also something to like. Like I said, these things were like people, it was like, it wasn't like they were like. Seeking a 15 year old girl, it seems like 15 year old girls were trying to get backstage. I think it was a time where people accepted. Like where you fell over just like the overall laws. It's like, yeah, if you're some kind of scraggly.

• 1:02:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  Rotten homes kid like you're probably gonna be out there fucking at like 14, 15 years old. You know what I mean? Or like. You know, there's, I'm sure there was also there's 15 year old girls would be like, do what? Go where?

• 1:03:05Matt McCusker?

  Huge chance the brothers don't even remember it. They're probably sitting somewhere and I came on and they're like.

• 1:03:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. That'd be a tough one.

• 1:03:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, feeling that one.

• 1:03:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, and Jimmy Page right here, the other one, he's the famous one, like a child bride.

• 1:03:19Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 1:03:21Matt McCusker?

  They were partying, bro.

• 1:03:25Matt McCusker?

  Rock stars, were they rock stars or were they pedophiles?

• 1:03:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:28Matt McCusker?

  Hard to say.

• 1:03:29Speaker 00

  It's an intense party, though.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  Alleged child pussy must be great.

• 1:03:33Speaker 00

  Allegedly.

• 1:03:34Speaker 02

  Allegedly.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  Alleged child pussy? Allegedly.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  Talking about it 50 years later, yeah?

• 1:03:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's fine.

• 1:03:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, stood the test of time, kid pussy.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know, it was great back in the day.

• 1:03:51Matt McCusker?

  Our whole government seemed in disarray about it. Epstein stuff went off.

• 1:03:55Speaker 00

  Society's collapsing over the weight of kid pussy. Kid dick and balls.

• 1:04:01Speaker 02

  Well, that's the Epstein thing, they were like, how many people they don't, you know, they interview all the one, they never. You know, when they got the, the Olympic doctor guy. Right? Remember he was like fingering all the.

• 1:04:11Matt McCusker?

  Yes, Snasser.

• 1:04:12Speaker 02

  When they got him, like every victim showed up. It was like 300 victims like showed up to be like, you did this, you fucked me over.

• 1:04:18Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:19Speaker 02

  Epstein. Where they were getting, pulling those girls from, there is a bulk of those chicks that were just like, "Yeah, it was a good way to make four hundred bucks." You know, watch an old man whack off. It's the Uncle, it's the Uncle Eddie thing. Remember when Uncle Eddie in Philly, like when he got arrested, like people were like, "Oh, man, damn." That's what we, if we went to the mall, we would just go take a dump at a fucking Ed's house and show him our wiener and he'd give us fifty bucks.

• 1:04:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he was such a legend here. When I was growing up, it was-

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  No one was mad. Nobody was like happy when he got put away. They were like, "Fuck dude, my fucking, that was my mall money."

• 1:04:52Matt McCusker?

  That was, when I was little, like there's a guy, he carries around a pizza box and he'll, if you give him your underwear, he'll give you fifty bucks, fifty bucks and he'll put them in the pizza box.

• 1:05:00Speaker 02

  How old are you?

• 1:05:01Matt McCusker?

  I'm thirty-nine.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was forty-seven. I mean, that, that thing went around for-

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  These guys are legends.

• 1:05:06Matt McCusker?

  He's total fucking legend.

• 1:05:07Speaker 00

  They're the old brothers. And you're the kid, you're going, "I had a good fucking time."

• 1:05:10Speaker 02

  I genuinely had the thought in my head when they just described, when I was a kid, be careful, that school would say, "There's a guy who wants, he's asking kids for their dirty underwear, their used underwear." And I genuinely remember having a thing and I'm like, "Where is this motherfucker?" Like, I will give him my, I wasn't putting it together that it was any kind of a gay thing or something like that. I'm like, "I guess he's just a fucking freaky weirdo."

• 1:05:30Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:31Speaker 02

  And I was like, "Yeah, dude, I go."

• 1:05:33Speaker 00

  Does sound like a mythical-

• 1:05:34Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  I wouldn't even throw out, like I said, if I had skid marked underwear when I was a kid, he'd be like, "Nice."

• 1:05:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:40Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm gonna say these for a school day.

• 1:05:43Matt McCusker?

  Play it against sports. I'll just play it against sports. You can go right there.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  But those guys that would call Howard Stern with those Philly accents were so great. Like, "Yeah, he went over and he goes, "My boy took a fucking dump on his chest. It was crazy." And then I'd show him my dingaling and we'd get out of there.

• 1:05:56Speaker 00

  My dad had a, my dad had a nice little creep.

• 1:05:59Matt McCusker?

  Legendary pervert?

• 1:06:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, legendary pervert that would give you crimpets if you showed him your dick.

• 1:06:03Speaker 02

  Butterscotch?

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  Butterscotch.

• 1:06:04Speaker 02

  Nice.

• 1:06:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:06Matt McCusker?

  Whole pack or just one?

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  Phil was out in the woods. So that was big.

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  I knew somewhere in the world that tasty cakes were being used for evil.

• 1:06:12Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:13Speaker 02

  How do you get that cake to stay so moist?

• 1:06:15Speaker 00

  According to Phil, he never did it, but-

• 1:06:16Speaker 02

  How is it shelf-stable and that moist?

• 1:06:18Speaker 00

  His one boy would go for it all the time and then split the crimpets with my dad. Phil was pimping out his boy.

• 1:06:23Matt McCusker?

  He was pimping.

• 1:06:24Speaker 02

  That's awesome.

• 1:06:25Matt McCusker?

  Just show me.

• 1:06:26Speaker 02

  I appreciate that.

• 1:06:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:28Speaker 02

  I feel like that was always the kid that would sell candy in school, was the same kid that would also run, run boy ass for a local pedophile.

• 1:06:37Speaker 02

  I got a couple of irons in the fire. I'm doing a little candy thing, a little resale BJ's Costco candy thing. I'm running boy ass to some local pets, some local pedos.

• 1:06:46Speaker 00

  Kid dick to a weirdo for cupcakes.

• 1:06:49Matt McCusker?

  What exactly did you have to do?

• 1:06:50Speaker 00

  This is a good pedophile.

• 1:06:51Speaker 02

  Just show him your dick. You have a good pedophile sting house Shane.

• 1:06:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, right here.

• 1:06:55Speaker 02

  This is a great pedophile sting house.

• 1:06:56Speaker 00

  We were just watching To Catch a Predator. I know that's one of your all time favorites.

• 1:07:00Matt McCusker?

  It's so good.

• 1:07:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've been on three, four pedo, three or four pedophile stings. Pretty wild.

• 1:07:05Speaker 00

  How are they?

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  You did it? Yeah, I didn't take part. I was, well, I took minimal part.

• 1:07:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:12Speaker 02

  When I, when my last special came out, the guys, Dads Against Predators, those are the ones now who just beat the guys up.

• 1:07:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:17Speaker 02

  Completely.

• 1:07:18Matt McCusker?

  Shove them in like the cupcakes at Walmart?

• 1:07:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I went with them. And, uh, like I went to hang out with them and it was funny when they had the guy cornered in the grocery store. He was cornered and they were like yelling at him, giving a bunch of shit in the grocery, yelling at him. When I walked by, I, I was Instagram living.

• 1:07:34Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 1:07:35Speaker 02

  I was Instagram living when I walked by to be like, I was going like, hey, I'm watching like these guys.

• 1:07:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  Do their pedophile hunt. As I'm walking by, those guys to fuck with the, which is also funny, when you do the pedophile hunts, there is something to the idea though. It's like they take it seriously, but also not that seriously. They make jokes like themselves about it. So the guy, when they was walking by, they got, they look at me and the guy goes, he says to the pedophile goes, you fucking know Big Jokerson is? And the guy was like, no. And I just go, oh. You hear, you hear my voice just go, oh. Like a view is a view. And at the end of it, they take him out to a field and they make him stand in a trash can, call his mother and tell her he's a pedophile and then go, Big Jokerson's dog belly available, whatever.

• 1:08:15Speaker 00

  Holy shit dude.

• 1:08:17Speaker 02

  I went to a sting house one where the girl lures the, the guys over. That was pretty wild.

• 1:08:23Speaker 00

  What happened?

• 1:08:25Speaker 02

  At the sting house.

• 1:08:26Speaker 00

  This is, Jay, this is insane.

• 1:08:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's wild.

• 1:08:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:29Speaker 02

  The sting house one, first guy comes over, we hide in a bedroom. For, we're hiding in a bedroom with the camera guy. Yes.

• 1:08:38Matt McCusker?

  It's gotta be so exciting dude.

• 1:08:40Speaker 02

  And you hear like through a window, it's like, like, so nervous here. Yeah.

• 1:08:46Matt McCusker?

  How excited are you when a pedophile is in the house, like a real life pedophile?

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  Tense.

• 1:08:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's gotta be crazy.

• 1:08:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, he might have a gun.

• 1:08:52Speaker 02

  It's real.

• 1:08:52Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  I didn't even think about that. But that has happened, it's real. It's definitely a dangerous thing for sure. But the, um, so the, the first guy comes in and like very quick, as like she's talking to him for like five minutes. And then, by the way, I don't know why everyone I do these with, they always do this to a pedophile. She had in the background purposely my special playing. And she, and when the guy comes in, he goes, this is big Jay Oakerson. It's like, you know, he is, and he was like, no.

• 1:09:24Speaker 02

  And I think someone said fat at one point about it. I was like, right. I'm squatting down in the back room like, right dude.

• 1:09:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:32Speaker 02

  Mike Finnoyan dealing with me, I'm like, what a dick.

• 1:09:35Matt McCusker?

  Guess what's about to happen to you?

• 1:09:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:37Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I'm fat?

• 1:09:37Speaker 02

  You're, you're fucked.

• 1:09:40Speaker 02

  I'm fat? Oh, I'm fat? You just hear in the background, come on dude. I thought nobody else was here. Um, as soon as we went out, or the camera guy went out, that guy was like, whoop, and he ran off. Hauled ass immediately as soon as he got on camera. Second guy came and they had a whole like thing with them.

• 1:09:59Matt McCusker?

  Whoop.

• 1:10:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, really.

• 1:10:00Speaker 00

  That's the ski dad, that's the ultimate ski dad.

• 1:10:04Speaker 02

  Whoop, wrong house. So that guy.

• 1:10:06Matt McCusker?

  Hope the YouTube channels have a lot of views.

• 1:10:08Speaker 02

  Second guy hung in there for a while and talked to them. But that night, I was in Indianapolis. That night, she came to, uh, the pedophile hunter girl, Courtney Elizabeth. She came to the, uh, show and her, and her partner said that that day when they posted, the thing they have moderators who live in Indianapolis, uh, even though she lives in Wisconsin, their moderators live in Indianapolis. And she was like, when they put the video up, the two moderators are brother and sister. And they both go, this guy who just ran out right away, the guy who said nothing after the camera came in, he goes, whoop, and ran off. They go, that's my cousin.

• 1:10:46Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  And then the other moderator goes, that's my cousin, they're brother and sister, that's my cousin. And they started realizing. Like they, in that two seconds dude, like fucking ripped their whole family apart. That guy, the guy that left immediately.

• 1:10:57Speaker 00

  Became the hunted. True.

• 1:10:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. How wild is that? Like the moderator's cousin happened to be one of the people they caught. You ever see, that's the Chris Hansen one, when the guy he rides the train with walks in, do you ever see that? And he's like, "What are you doing here, man? What are you doing here?" He's so upset with him. "Why are you here?"

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  "I see you every day on the train."

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  And then I went with the guy, the big guy from Houston, Texas, Alex something, the big beard, you've probably seen him before.

• 1:11:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know that guy.

• 1:11:25Speaker 02

  I went with him before and we didn't get anybody, but that's where I saw like the danger of how it could go. Cause Walmart parking lot, we pulled up next to the guy, the guy didn't, wasn't out of his car yet. And the guy fucking threw, I mean 70 miles an hour in a Walmart parking lot, hit a speed bump. I mean, his car like rattled.

• 1:11:45Speaker 00

  He hit the fucking dukes.

• 1:11:46Speaker 02

  But he got on the highway and like, they were like, we're not chasing him onto the highway. Like that's too dangerous at that point. But I thought the most interesting thing so far about it was that, of all the things I've, with the pedophile hunters, was that because, I'm like, that guy was so, he didn't know if we were there to kick his ass. He didn't know if we were related to the thing, he didn't know if we were cops, he didn't know whatever. The instinct that guy had at all, like if that car would have, if the doors and car would have fallen apart around him when he hit that speed bump, he would have just continued running onto the highway. He was just like, I was like, wow, I've never seen somebody really run for their life. That was like a genuine, like this guy thought his life was over if he doesn't get away from this. He was giving it everything he had, which is pretty interesting.

• 1:12:26Speaker 00

  You're gonna get shot by a pedophile.

• 1:12:27Speaker 02

  Right, so I don't do them anymore.

• 1:12:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, you shouldn't. Cause you could be, you're definitely gonna get shot by a pedophile. By a pedophile, which sucks. That's such a shitty way to die.

• 1:12:35Matt McCusker?

  Died at the hand of a pedophile?

• 1:12:36Speaker 00

  Shot by a pedophile in a Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot.

• 1:12:39Speaker 02

  That's bleeding out in front of a fucking target. The dad's against predators, guys. Guy's been shot twice now.

• 1:12:44Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:12:47Speaker 02

  And he keeps going and they're the ones that are aggressive like this. They can't wait to like punch the guy in the face.

• 1:12:52Speaker 00

  I just saw one that was very funny. The guy like walks down the aisle and he's like, alright, I knew this was coming. Hey. He's like, I know what you're up to. I know what I'm up to. Let me talk.

• 1:13:01Speaker 02

  Oh, there's some great ones.

• 1:13:03Speaker 00

  He was slow. He was mentally.

• 1:13:04Speaker 02

  There's, oh, that's the other. As Law and Order S4U last week just did a finally an episode on that like the, you're doing a pedophile sting? And you catch a guy who came there to like watch cartoons and hug because he has like Down syndrome? And it's like prosecuting him the same way.

• 1:13:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:18Speaker 02

  And that is the thing. It's like, uh, most of the pedophile hunts, like that's what you're getting. You're getting a person who would have showed up if you said the, the kid was, boy, girl? Eight years old or eighty-five years old. They can't believe anyone's responding to them and wants to hang out.

• 1:13:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, so sad.

• 1:13:33Speaker 02

  So they do. It is a sad thing to see when they catch those people and they got a big fat guy on one of those.

• 1:13:38Speaker 00

  I think I saw that.

• 1:13:39Speaker 02

  I, I think I may have showed it to you. They said the mom sounds like Beezer. The mom's died. The mom of the pedophile, but they just, right in front of the mom, they make him put on like a seven X shirt that says, I lick ass. Cause it's something he said to the girl. Fat guy named Jamie and he just stands there while the guy reads the things in front of his mother. And the mother's just such a, a weird old twat and she's, every time he goes, and then it says, I wanna, I wanna suck your little pussy until, uh, until you come and howl for the moon. And she's like, Jamie!

• 1:14:11Speaker 02

  What? Well, that's bullshit. He doesn't, you don't even know how to do that.

• 1:14:15Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 1:14:16Speaker 02

  It's so funny.

• 1:14:17Speaker 00

  She sounds like Beez, dude.

• 1:14:19Speaker 02

  She said, I don't know why. It's like, she was like, reminds me of like, it's not that it sounds like him, it's just like, it looks like it would be Beezer's mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jamie, ah, God. And then they're like, can you not make this a big deal? Because the bitch who runs this apartment complex wants us out already.

• 1:14:38Matt McCusker?

  At its grounds for dismissal.

• 1:14:39Speaker 00

  Damn it, Jamie.

• 1:14:40Speaker 02

  And she's like, and by the way, the whole thing when they're giving like this crime that they committed, it's so funny when like the mother caretakers are always like, well, then that's it. You're giving me your phone, young man.

• 1:14:52Matt McCusker?

  Grounded.

• 1:14:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're giving me your phone. They're like, it's a little bigger than that. But and I show, I think I showed you the the midget guy before who they catch four times.

• 1:15:02Matt McCusker?

  A midget file?

• 1:15:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:15:03Speaker 02

  Eventually. A midget file. Eventually the cops, eventually the cops in the fourth video get mad at the guy who's stinging him. And goes like, he goes like, they're like, hey, leave this guy alone. He shows up every time because he can't believe for again. And he's so dumb. The first time they showed up at his house. By the way, all those things are like, I love, he's already saying, I love you. He's like a retarded midget guy. And he's saying, I love you a bunch to this like fake girl. And then they ask him, he goes, you know, the fake girl's like, what were you doing today? He goes, just playing basketball. And like he writes, and like, she goes, she goes, oh yeah, are you really tall? He's like, you know, he's like four eleven. I could dunk though. And she's like, she goes, really? He's like, yeah, it's pretty easy for.

• 1:15:45Speaker 00

  Tall guy holds me up.

• 1:15:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:46Speaker 00

  By my waist.

• 1:15:48Speaker 02

  He's just a retarded guy. And every time the cops show up, he's like, no. Just like such a running around crazy. Yeah. And he runs around all crazy. And then the neighbor will always come over and be like, just can you leave? Like I'd say I kind of look after him a little bit like, guys, this is not a real problem you're you're having.

• 1:16:03Speaker 00

  Stinging a special needs little person over and over again.

• 1:16:07Speaker 02

  And the guy was so retarded.

• 1:16:09Matt McCusker?

  Helicopter.

• 1:16:10Speaker 00

  It's over and over again.

• 1:16:11Speaker 02

  They show.

• 1:16:14Speaker 02

  When he leaves.

• 1:16:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm sorry. He runs around like the little guys in Halo.

• 1:16:18Speaker 02

  He does.

• 1:16:20Speaker 02

  He does.

• 1:16:20Matt McCusker?

  Oh, God.

• 1:16:22Speaker 02

  He never quite gets it.

• 1:16:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:24Speaker 02

  As soon as they leave the first time, the same night, they just, to see if they can, they just message him back and they go, they go, sorry about that. That was my uncle. That was my uncle. He gets really pissed off. And he was like, that was weird. And then she was like, yeah, but it's okay. He's going back to, I think she said he went back to England tomorrow. And he's clearly just an American guy. It's okay. He's going back to England tomorrow. He goes. Okay, well, I mean, I still love you. Like, am I gonna get to see you? And then they they just do it again. The fourth time they catch him at a car dealership. And he's getting out of his car and he goes, are you, and he go, they go, hey, Jason. And he still doesn't recognize him still, he's retarded. He goes, he goes, oh, hey. And he go, and he goes, what are you here for? He goes,

• 1:17:06Speaker 02

  to get a car. He goes, do you, would you like to get a thirteen year old car? And he goes, what? He goes, are you here for a thirteen year old? He goes, no! And he starts running for his life and then the thing. He's like, get out of here, get out of here. And that's the one where the cops show up and they go, yo, stop.

• 1:17:28Speaker 02

  What are you doing? Like, leave this guy alone. He's never gotten any pussy, kid or otherwise.

• 1:17:32Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's entrapment. Leave the man alone.

• 1:17:35Speaker 00

  It's really fucked.

• 1:17:36Matt McCusker?

  They should, they should have a clause, like, they should amend the law and make if you are, you know, an R rated midge.

• 1:17:44Matt McCusker?

  They should just go, that's up to the parents to stretch.

• 1:17:47Speaker 02

  I mean, it's really.

• 1:17:48Matt McCusker?

  It'd be a good high school, sweetheart.

• 1:17:53Speaker 02

  You should be allowed to.

• 1:17:54Speaker 00

  It's my prom date.

• 1:18:00Speaker 00

  Get him out of here. Bust him at prom ten times. Taking the prom picture and we got him.

• 1:18:09Speaker 00

  Now we're just fucking with you. Get out there, dance again.

• 1:18:11Matt McCusker?

  They can make a remake. Remember Carrie? You see the game? It's the new Carrie. It's his revenge.

• 1:18:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, he goes, luckily that midget has telekinesis.

• 1:18:23Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, he's, they're all, I mean, there was the famous one, there's the Chris Hansen, where the guy started eating pizza.

• 1:18:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, just watch that one.

• 1:18:31Speaker 02

  It's one of the best ones ever. He goes, you want a slice? No? It's cool.

• 1:18:34Speaker 00

  He's scarfing that.

• 1:18:35Speaker 02

  He doesn't even care. He's changed his name and moved. That's what he did.

• 1:18:38Matt McCusker?

  That must have been the craziest acid reflux, just getting like, getting caught as a pedophile and crushing like half his ass.

• 1:18:44Speaker 02

  And that was the, and it was the grease cup pepperoni too.

• 1:18:49Matt McCusker?

  He was folding them too. He was folding them.

• 1:18:51Speaker 00

  I've never seen someone grub that. Like I mean grub like it was while getting in trouble. He hit a fucking hard grub.

• 1:18:58Speaker 02

  It's because he thought it was gonna make him look more natural.

• 1:19:00Speaker 00

  He did.

• 1:19:00Speaker 02

  He really did. He goes, hmm, he goes, I guess I'm a pervert.

• 1:19:07Speaker 00

  And they're like, did you say this?

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  And he goes, mm.

• 1:19:10Speaker 00

  When he's showing, he's like, you got the text? He's like, oh shit, you have the transcripts.

• 1:19:18Speaker 02

  There's also those great compilations of Chris Hansen doing like the, I mean, it's always for like the, I like his first line when he tries to play off what they say is always the best. The guy's like, it's like, where you at? Then the girl will be like, I'm upstairs. I'll be down in a second. He's like, I can't wait to kiss you. And like, would you like to kiss me, Frank?

• 1:19:38Speaker 00

  He comes out of that, yeah, clear, there's a cloth in the hallway that he opens. You go, oh, that's, you know, that's normal.

• 1:19:44Speaker 02

  Would you like the, he goes, don't mind that. That's video village back there.

• 1:19:49Speaker 00

  The, we've talked about before, but when they get Indian guys, it's the best. Just a foreigner that's just like, what's the problem?

• 1:19:56Matt McCusker?

  They should be like my parents arranged this. I would die, my, like, my parents set this up. That wasn't me.

• 1:20:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:01Speaker 02

  An Indian guy is the one.

• 1:20:02Speaker 00

  Been arranged.

• 1:20:04Speaker 02

  An Indian guy is the one who got naked right away when he came in. Like fully naked and just started walking around. That was an Indian guy. And then the other one was the kid who got caught twice in like the back to back days. And the second time they pull up on him, they go, they go, what are you doing, man? And he goes, oops.

• 1:20:21Speaker 00

  Getting caught back to back days. Like go on, you go, all right, back to the drawing board. There's no way I get caught.

• 1:20:28Speaker 02

  Now we know what to look for. Did you, there's a, so it's funny, and I know they're trying to get more of like a police involved thing. Like Catch a Predator was like an official with police they're working with. And there's, I guess, another one called underage undercover on. It's like Discovery or something, but Max had it. It was, they did two seasons of it. And what's funny about that is going on the ones that I've gone on. How fast they'd be like, alright, well, it's 3:15. He said he was coming at 3. This guy's flaking. He's not answering anymore. And, you know, with that sting house, he were like, alright, well, it was nice to meet you guys. We're gonna take off. And they go, no, no, no, hang on two. I mean, I'm not kidding. Go on. Hey, my parents are gone. Could you come over?

• 1:21:06Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 1:21:07Speaker 02

  Can you be here in 15 minutes? I'll be right over. I mean, to catch a person willing to fuck a 13, 14 year old is, that's wild. So, they will though. Like, there's, there's no like loss of like getting them at all. But this, but again, I don't know how much. Outside of like court of public opinion and ruining your personal life, doesn't really end up in a lot of like arrests and stuff. But it's like, with the, to get the arrest, what they have to do, that's why I found it so funny that they can just go. Hey, I'm 14 and I have a vagina. Who wants to fuck? And like, people will start coming. The underage undercover, they over. Do it. So it's like a whole house they've rented and each room's like decorated to a different girl character.

• 1:21:45Speaker 02

  And they have the things with fake braces. So like, you see them like working through each other, like, she's like, okay, so. I'm supposed to watch him masturbate at like 4 o'clock today. So like, so they'll go, you know, put on like the pigtails and little girl things and sit Indian style. And then, holding like another girl's hand off camera who's going like, sorry, you're doing so good. And she's like. It's great. And then you just hear the guy like.

• 1:22:12Speaker 00

  Wait, they go for it?

• 1:22:14Speaker 02

  They let the pedophiles do it? It's almost my point is that like, I don't think you have to get this much information. Yes. They go, okay, by the way, after like. Four masturbation sessions and talking on the phone every day to him and going through all this thing, they'll be like, okay. We think we know what state he lives in. Like they're trying, like, it's like each season's like to get like one little piece of information about a guy. It's like. How come every other person just go, hey, look in the fuck, I'm 12. And someone goes, I fuck a 12 year old. I don't care. I'll come over.

• 1:22:43Speaker 00

  You're going to jail.

• 1:22:44Speaker 02

  It's like non-stop things like.

• 1:22:46Speaker 00

  You gotta let him finish. It's like the South Park episode where he's like, I'm going undercover is the problem.

• 1:22:51Speaker 02

  Wow daddy, that sure was a lot of cum.

• 1:22:55Matt McCusker?

  Damn, are they recording them jerk and just sit through it and be like, damn.

• 1:23:00Speaker 02

  Right, and like the girl off camera, the girl off camera's like holding her hand going like, you're being so strong right now. You're being, and then it's like, by the way, also whenever a guy goes, starts jerking off, you're pretending you're a kid, you could be like, so my parents are calling, I'm so sorry, I have to go. They just go, they let him finish and like, I like it. Like, there's no reason to get this deep undercover for what they're doing. They, you got him. He's texting sexual.

• 1:23:25Speaker 00

  If I'm the pedophile, I'm going back to that house. And I'm, by the fourth time, it's like, no, I knew she was 20.

• 1:23:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:23:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is a show.

• 1:23:33Speaker 02

  This has been great. I've been jacking off. This is so great if you catch one of the people you know is that show under age undercover, he goes, I thought we were just doing a little role play.

• 1:23:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was fucking around. Obviously she's 20.

• 1:23:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, here's her IMDB.

• 1:23:44Matt McCusker?

  She's on the national tour.

• 1:23:47Matt McCusker?

  Just give Chris Hansen a big kiss, be like, this is all for you.

• 1:23:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, I came here to meet you, dude.

• 1:23:50Matt McCusker?

  Trying to work my way up.

• 1:23:51Speaker 00

  That's a good move. You keep going to kids' houses and be like, where's Chris Hansen?

• 1:23:54Speaker 02

  I'm just trying to meet Chris Hansen.

• 1:23:56Matt McCusker?

  That's what you do. You walk in and be like, alright, I know I was fucking around. Where's Chris? Is he here?

• 1:24:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:00Matt McCusker?

  That way he comes out, I'd be like, oh, I knew you were here.

• 1:24:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, we're giving you guys some, any pedophiles out there, we're giving you some nice hacks.

• 1:24:05Matt McCusker?

  We should, we should do a million dollars worth of game for pedophiles.

• 1:24:08Speaker 02

  Guys who knew, guys in the 90s came.

• 1:24:11Speaker 00

  This is, allegedly, Spotify, allegedly.

• 1:24:16Speaker 02

  Every in the 90s though, people would find like their thing. And then just kind of stick with that, like Mari Povich's show, what used to be like, you were my school bully, look at me now, and this and that.

• 1:24:26Matt McCusker?

  Now I'm a girl.

• 1:24:27Speaker 02

  And it was like, yeah, yeah, really.

• 1:24:29Speaker 00

  Look at me now, what do you think?

• 1:24:31Speaker 02

  By the way, that was the best when those bullies.

• 1:24:32Speaker 00

  You're still fucking gay.

• 1:24:35Speaker 02

  Dude, those bullies would go, especially with a girl, it's like, she was a fat girl in school, it goes, now she's like a bikini model, it's like, look what I've got, remember how mean you were to me? And it's like, seems to have affected you, and you really made some positive life changes.

• 1:24:45Speaker 00

  You're welcome.

• 1:24:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, like this really.

• 1:24:47Speaker 00

  Now, can we get this over with?

• 1:24:49Speaker 02

  But then he.

• 1:24:49Speaker 00

  And kiss.

• 1:24:51Speaker 02

  You still wanna fuck me, clearly you had me flown here.

• 1:24:56Speaker 02

  But Mari Povich figured out like the paternity test for the whole thing. Jerry Springer realized cheating and fights were the whole thing.

• 1:25:00Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:01Speaker 02

  And Chris Hansen, Chris Hansen was just like Dateline NBC, like here's a story about a small town murderer or corruption in politics and then it was like, nope, he's the pedophile guy.

• 1:25:11Matt McCusker?

  He's the guy.

• 1:25:12Speaker 02

  And now he gets to curse, he loves it. The ones online, the true blue ones, he loves it because he gets to read, now he gets to really read the, what you said here, you wanted to suck her ass, it's a.

• 1:25:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, he goes, yeah, but I mean sucking ass, that means like, I mean like, you know, like complimenting.

• 1:25:29Matt McCusker?

  I think it was a later season, he hit one guy who was like BBC and po- BBCP, it's a bareback cream pie. And I was like, damn, Chris, damn dude.

• 1:25:38Speaker 02

  The smoothest one he ever did was the guy who was washing his hands for the girl. Like the little wigger dude was like washing his hands and then Chris Hansen just walks up next to him and starts ripping off slices of paper towels to hand him and the guy, he's washing his hands and he looks over and then he takes the paper towel, he's like, thank you. And he just tries to act like it's not really, he goes, oh, thanks. He really makes a look, he goes, you here for the young pussy too? Oh, I didn't realize this was a party. That's happened a couple of times on Catch a Predator, when the people come out and they go, oh, I thought it was just me and her. Like she's in the two dudes.

• 1:26:11Matt McCusker?

  Oh my god.

• 1:26:12Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:26:13Speaker 02

  Oh, I call pussy dude.

• 1:26:16Matt McCusker?

  Catching two and making them fight for the survival of these two.

• 1:26:19Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:26:20Matt McCusker?

  Winner leaves, loser goes to jail.

• 1:26:24Speaker 02

  These are more good ideas.

• 1:26:26Matt McCusker?

  You still catch the guy, like we're just getting ready to see you guys fight, you're both going to jail.

• 1:26:29Speaker 02

  Wow, wow.

• 1:26:30Speaker 00

  Jay, when's your special coming out?

• 1:26:32Speaker 02

  Special is coming out, uh, February 20th, so Thursday. When is this coming out? Is it out already?

• 1:26:38Speaker 00

  This should be out tomorrow or Wednesday.

• 1:26:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it should be out on Tuesday.

• 1:26:43Speaker 00

  Actually, we could wait a week if you want.

• 1:26:44Speaker 02

  It's up to you guys, whatever your schedule is.

• 1:26:47Speaker 00

  Whatever this should be out, yeah.

• 1:26:49Speaker 02

  Double crowd work album, Them They, first half of Them coming out February 20th and then a month later.

• 1:26:54Speaker 00

  Hell yeah.

• 1:26:55Speaker 02

  I think we're premiering the second part at a moon tower.

• 1:26:58Speaker 00

  Where'd you film it?

• 1:26:59Speaker 02

  Denver, Comedy Works.

• 1:27:00Speaker 00

  Oh, fuck yeah.

• 1:27:01Speaker 02

  Which is great.

• 1:27:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's gonna be awesome.

• 1:27:02Speaker 02

  Any room where it's going forward, yeah, I hope so, man. It's a, I don't watch anything or edit anything, so.

• 1:27:08Speaker 00

  It's one way to do it.

• 1:27:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I turn it over to other people. And I go, hey, you guys, well, I always figured too, I'm like, well, you guys will know what you're laughing at.

• 1:27:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27:16Speaker 02

  Like me, I'm gonna go, all I'm gonna look at, I go, yeah, that was pretty funny, but like, why am I built like that? Those are the questions I always ask.

• 1:27:24Speaker 00

  I am selfishly like, let's just get rid of that entire camera, that angle, because I look like, I look like a blimp. Let's just do head on from above, the entire special.

• 1:27:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, can we get a single camera shot and never decide? They were, one of them, on my first ever, the hour special live at Webster Hall I did, I didn't put any input into that. And I mean, they had a camera that, that seems like the job of the camera was to shoot me low from diagonal behind and swing around to the front of me.

• 1:27:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, just get the whole.

• 1:27:54Speaker 02

  To really give you my entire way too long across profile.

• 1:27:59Speaker 00

  Perfect.

• 1:27:59Speaker 02

  It's like, oh, you know what, side, shoulder to shoulder, this guy doesn't look that bad. And then you start turning around, he goes, oh, my God. Oh, there's too much happening in the front.

• 1:28:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a disaster.

• 1:28:11Matt McCusker?

  It's a crazy angle.

• 1:28:11Speaker 02

  I chose to sit like a dummy. And I never think, I, every time I go, I go, and remember when you sit, especially on like a taping, like back straight, like sit on the stool, but like have like your back straight. And then it's like, how many seconds later before you're just like, so, is this you, girl?

• 1:28:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think about it the whole time I'm on stage, because I slouch like crazy.

• 1:28:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:28:36Speaker 00

  And I'm just.

• 1:28:37Speaker 02

  And then if they watch you make the shoulders back move, like someone's been talking to them.

• 1:28:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:28:43Speaker 00

  I do it the whole show, because it's, now I'm doing the round. So it's like, half the, the whole audience is seeing my hunched over back and the weird thing I do with my hand behind my back, which I never thought anyone was gonna see. The whole time I'm going like this, like, it's really fucked up. It sounds like I'm being conversational, but you can tell I'm obviously like internally like, oh, fuck.

• 1:29:07Speaker 00

  Just like that behind me. I had somebody DM me like, what, were you doing hand signals? I wanted to know what the hand signals meant. I was like, no, it's just.

• 1:29:14Speaker 02

  Dude, I've done a couple of these arenas with you now, and so they've all been great. And I sit on a stool, which maybe, maybe I have to consider not doing. It's a, well, it's just more, I like it, it's been good.

• 1:29:28Speaker 00

  I think it's fine.

• 1:29:29Speaker 02

  And it's worked well at the times, worked well all of them, but the last one we did was Seattle, I think I was with you. That was the only time I was like, I just chose a side and went with it. And then towards the end, like the last like five or six minutes of it, every time there was like a down moment, like in my own speaking, you go, guys, you know what's crazier? Turn around! Like a guy, but I mean, it was just like.

• 1:29:52Matt McCusker?

  Give him a swivel chair.

• 1:29:53Speaker 02

  But then you're like, I'm not doing it for him. You just want to do it for the one guy. Turn around!

• 1:29:59Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you lose all control if you're like, yes, sir, spun around.

• 1:30:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, right.

• 1:30:02Matt McCusker?

  Get a swivel bar stool.

• 1:30:04Speaker 02

  They're all aware, I can hear each individual comment. Change your pants, your whole thing sucks.

• 1:30:10Speaker 00

  Ah, this sucks. Fuck you.

• 1:30:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, it sucks.

• 1:30:16Speaker 00

  You can hear every single person. There's so many people, so someone's gonna be like, fuck you.

• 1:30:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, turning around to be like, what did you say? Sitting back down would be, that would hurt.

• 1:30:26Speaker 00

  I was talking to the guys.

• 1:30:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, for a sec, you go, what's that? Okay, I thought so.

• 1:30:30Matt McCusker?

  You're just dad in the back of the car, just like, knock it off!

• 1:30:32Speaker 02

  Excuse me?

• 1:30:33Matt McCusker?

  Shut up back there!

• 1:30:34Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 1:30:35Speaker 00

  I was, uh, last night I was talking to the Are You Garbage guys about it and that was like, they were talking about a thing they don't like doing and I was like, yeah, I mean, I thought I was, I was like, I'm done with Trump, I'm gonna stop doing Trump. First show I did, one minute in, a guy was like, do Trump right now! I was like, alright, I guess I'm doing Trump for the rest of my fucking career. Yeah, they yell out, you can hear them.

• 1:30:55Speaker 02

  Are you sick of doing it?

• 1:30:57Speaker 00

  Trump? No. I, I love doing it.

• 1:31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, the material keeps coming.

• 1:31:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I gotta, well, this will be out, hopefully by the time SNL gets announced, so I'm gonna host SNL and in my head, it's like, I don't know what to say for my monologue, like I'm already like, oh shit, because they, they tell you you're hosting pretty,

• 1:31:16Speaker 02

  Quick.

• 1:31:16Speaker 00

  You have like two weeks. Really? Oh, fuck, what do I, what am I gonna say?

• 1:31:22Speaker 00

  And I was like, I fucking, Trump will say something. He'll say something that week.

• 1:31:26Speaker 02

  He's gonna work on it.

• 1:31:27Speaker 00

  Fucking make fun of that, he's gonna do something next week.

• 1:31:31Speaker 02

  Do you have to walk a line at all, like not making fun of him too much?

• 1:31:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, cuz I don't like doing that. I think that sucks.

• 1:31:37Speaker 02

  Well, it's just also obvious.

• 1:31:39Speaker 00

  I think when comedians go out there and just, every single comedian on earth is like, fuck Trump.

• 1:31:44Matt McCusker?

  Hard man.

• 1:31:45Speaker 02

  But not even like that, but I mean, like, do you think he sees like?

• 1:31:48Speaker 00

  No, he doesn't know that.

• 1:31:50Speaker 02

  But I'm saying like, does he see it as like an homage? Do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's all how people take it. Some people say like, you're making fun of him just by doing the impression. Other people are like, you're doing a great impression of him. So it's such a funny thing.

• 1:32:00Matt McCusker?

  Like, what do you think he thinks? That's a good question.

• 1:32:02Speaker 02

  Like, I wonder if he saw it, if his initial reaction would be like?

• 1:32:06Speaker 00

  I guarantee he would not like it.

• 1:32:08Speaker 02

  He wouldn't like it?

• 1:32:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. He might get amused like a Roman senator would.

• 1:32:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:32:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen him react to anyone doing an impression of him.

• 1:32:20Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 1:32:21Speaker 00

  I don't think anyone responds really well to that. If somebody does any impression.

• 1:32:25Speaker 02

  Well, I.

• 1:32:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it's not your favorite thing.

• 1:32:27Speaker 02

  I didn't know that.

• 1:32:28Speaker 00

  You're like.

• 1:32:28Speaker 02

  The first time, when we had Everlast on Bonfire, a couple of years back. Bert Kreischer was in the studio with us. It was me and Dan still on the show. And I was like, oh, you know, it'll be really funny. I go, when Everlast gets here, let's go around the room and everybody do your impression of, what's the girl's name? It was like, somebody got pregnant from a goddamn.

• 1:32:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:32:50Speaker 02

  And then, uh, when Bert came in, he was like, oh dude, I wouldn't do that. I was like, why? He goes, just musicians take themselves really seriously. Like, he won't think it's funny. He's gonna be weird about it. And like, and he was almost giving me, Bert was giving me like a read the room thing. He's like, so like, just, I wouldn't do it. And got me in my own head where I was like, yeah, I'm not, I won't even bring it up. And then when Everlast came in after talking to him for a little bit, he was very cool. And I was like, hey, we have a guitar, man, here if you wanna play a song or anything. And Bert goes, oh, oh, if you play a song, I swear to God, I'll get butt naked right now. And I was like, you're brilliant. I'm like, Bert, you told me to read the room on that. He doesn't wanna hear an impression of himself.

• 1:33:29Speaker 02

  But you think one of the, one of the top, uh, Mount Rushmore of wiggers wants his payment for doing something he already doesn't wanna do? To be a man gets naked in the room? You read the room, Bert.

• 1:33:42Speaker 02

  He's like, oh, I'll get naked if you do. Hey, dude, great news. I'll get naked if you do something. You're probably really cool. You're probably cool with the nudity of men, right?

• 1:33:50Matt McCusker?

  That's so funny.

• 1:33:52Speaker 02

  Hey, you grew up in a culture that's pretty, like, fucking awesome with gay shit.

• 1:33:57Matt McCusker?

  That's such a funny move.

• 1:33:59Speaker 02

  I'll get totally naked. But the fact that he had the sense, it's the outward, like he knew, he's like, yeah, that would not be a good thing. Like, he needs somebody to go, Bert, I don't think Everlast wants to see you naked. As a reward, punishment, or otherwise.

• 1:34:17Speaker 02

  Just the idea of that, like, it's a girl saying, I'll show your tits.

• 1:34:19Speaker 00

  And I know exactly how Bert's gonna do, like, they're like, oh, oh, oh!

• 1:34:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Like, hey, here, here's a deal. If you do the thing we're asking, I will do something that no one's asked for.

• 1:34:31Speaker 02

  I love it, though.

• 1:34:31Matt McCusker?

  Getting naked for Everlast is so funny.

• 1:34:33Speaker 02

  For Everlast, yeah.

• 1:34:36Matt McCusker?

  What happened? Did he get naked?

• 1:34:38Speaker 02

  No, and Everlast didn't play a song. I mean, I didn't even pursue the question. I asked him to play a song more because when Bert made that offer, I was like, now I don't, now I don't have to go, hey, we'd still like you to play a song, like, I promise that won't happen. It was more like, well, Everlast, thanks for hanging out and being here.

• 1:34:56Speaker 02

  Oh, man.

• 1:34:57Speaker 00

  I gotta show you that episode of Tires.

• 1:35:00Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:35:00Speaker 00

  Your episode.

• 1:35:01Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 1:35:01Speaker 00

  I should have it. We can watch it here in a second.

• 1:35:03Speaker 02

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:35:04Speaker 00

  You wanna wrap it up?

• 1:35:05Speaker 02

  Let's do it.

• 1:35:06Speaker 00

  Goodbye, everybody.

• 1:35:08Speaker 02

  Thanks for having me, man.

• 1:35:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.