How to Deal with Difficult People & Not Get Stressed Out

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — Today, you are getting research-backed strategies for handling difficult people. If you’re done being dismissed, talked over, or made to feel small, this episode will help you show up with power - and walk away with peace. Whether it’s family, coworkers, friends, or anyone who knows how to trigger you, today you’re getting tools for dealing with difficult people. In this solo episode, Mel dives deep into how to respond to disrespect, deal with emotionally immature behavior without losing yourself, and finally stop overreacting and overexplaining around people who are never going to change. Mel also discusses The Let Them Theory, the powerful relationship tool that’s changed millions of lives, and shows you how to: -Stand up for yourself without sounding aggressive -Handle gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and “just joking” comments -Set boundaries without explaining or over-apologizing -Respond to fake apologies and toxic behavior with clarity -Stay calm and confident, even when someone’s pushing your buttons -Recognize emotional immaturity and stop taking it personally -Let go of control and stop trying to fix people who don’t want to change After this episode, you’ll know how to stay grounded and feel more connected to the people you love - without getting pulled into their drama. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page: https://www.melrobbins.com/episode/episode-343/ Follow The Mel Robbins Podcast on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Welcome 01:33 What is The Let Them Theory? 09:59 How Do You Use the Let Them Theory? 14:36 How to Stop an Adult Tantrum 31:38 How to Use The Let Them Theory with Your Family 36:35 Venting Doesn’t Reduce Anger 41:57 Is it Okay to Judge Other People? 49:16 How to Respond to a Rude Question 55:08 How to Set Boundaries Using The Let Them Theory 01:00:33 Transform Your Life with the Let Them Theory — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:09Mel Robbins?

  Today, you and I are going to dig into one of the single most popular sections of the Let Them Theory book. And trust me, you need this because we're talking about how to handle difficult people. So you can keep your peace and finally take your power back. I'm talking about the emotionally immature people in your life. And have you noticed oftentimes you're related to them? I'm talking about people who are controlling and disrespectful and manipulative and self-centered and oh my gosh, the passive aggressive ones. And you may be listening or watching right now and you're on your way to a family gathering. You're going to a wedding or maybe it's the holidays or you got dinner at your in-laws.

• 0:54Mel Robbins?

  And you know what you're doing? You're bracing, you're gripping the wheel because you're thinking about what's gonna happen. Oh my God, and then just deep down, don't you just want to fix them? Why can't they be different? Why can't our family get along? Why does this always happen? Here's the thing that I learned the hard way. You know that instinct that you have to fix everybody else? What if that desire to fix everyone else is what's keeping you stuck? What if that's what's stressing you out? I gotta tell you, the writing chapter seven of the Let Them Theory, it really forced me to realize I had relationships all wrong.

• 1:39Mel Robbins?

  I had family all wrong. Because here's the thing, if you think love means managing people or changing them, if you think love means knowing what's best for everybody else or trying to control the outcomes or just making sure everybody's happy and everybody gets along. If you think love is doing everything for everybody except the one thing that you need to do, which is just learning how to let people be who they are and who they're not. Well, then you probably have relationships all wrong too.

• 2:15Mel Robbins?

  Later in this episode, I'm going to share a really personal story with you. It's about a recent trip that I took with my husband, Chris, that really shifted how I see a lot of things. And if I'm being completely honest, which I like to be with you, I didn't even know I needed it. And it's a reminder you probably need it too. This special segment is brought to you by Celebrity Cruises.

• 2:44Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am thrilled that you're here today. It's always an honor to be together, to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener, or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, well, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family. You have picked a winner of a conversation to spend time listening to right now. Because today, you and I are talking about something that affects every single one of us. And that's difficult people and how to deal with them without losing your peace or your power. Who am I talking about? Oh, I'm talking about the relatives who dominate every conversation, the friend who takes that cheap shot and then laughs it off.

• 3:28Mel Robbins?

  "I was just joking. Don't be so sensitive." Oh, you know, the sibling that knows how to just push your buttons, even though you're older now and you guys are no longer living with your parents. Talking about the people you love. But they also exhaust you. Because here's the truth, and I learned this the hard way. Most of the drama in your life, especially in your family, it's not really about conflict. It's about closeness. See, people want to feel connected, right? We want to feel close. It's why we get frustrated when there's tension. It's why we get frustrated when we don't feel connected and close. But we don't know how to ask for it.

• 4:12Mel Robbins?

  And we don't know how to like, get rid of all the garbage that it's in the way between you guys. So it leaks out sideways, right? You get the control, you get the guilt, you get the side comments, the sarcasm, the silence, the alliances, the eye rolls, the passive aggressive digs. And that's the energy that you're swimming in all the time. That's why you brace around certain people. Because if you don't understand what's happening underneath all of this kind of eh eh eh kind of behavior, you know what's gonna happen? You're just gonna keep trying to fix the behavior. You're gonna keep trying to fix the dynamic. You're gonna keep people pleasing. Or maybe you're gonna shut down.

• 4:55Mel Robbins?

  Maybe you are over explaining yourself because people constantly misinterpret what you're saying. Maybe you get very emotional and tense and on edge and you're just not yourself around certain people. And if you keep doing that, you're gonna stay stuck in the same frustrating dynamic over and over and over again. And I don't want that for you. So here's what we're gonna do. Today, you're gonna learn two truths about other people that are extremely important to embrace. The first one is that you cannot change other people. Period. The truth and the fact about life is that other people only change when they're ready to change for themselves.

• 5:39Mel Robbins?

  And the more that you try to change someone else, the more they will stay the same. And in fact, it'll create more tension in relationships. And we're gonna dig into that. The second major truth that we're gonna dig into is that emotional immaturity is in everybody. That every adult that you meet is just an eight-year-old in a big body. And it's important to understand that adults throw tantrums. And when you embrace this truth in your life, and I unpack it in detail because this is one of the most popular sections of the Let Them Theory book itself, it will change the way that you look at other people. Then we're gonna jump into the strategies that you're using right now to deal with emotionally immature people and difficult people. It's not working.

• 6:23Mel Robbins?

  And finally, we're gonna talk about, what do you do when you realize your emotions are part of the problem? And what are the things that you can control that will shift the dynamic? Everything that you're about to learn is backed by so much research. It is working for millions of people. It has been transformative for me and we're going to take them one by one and really break them apart so that you can use the let them theory effectively when either somebody else is all emotional or somebody else's behavior is starting to make you feel emotional like you're losing control. And I want to start here. And in case you don't know what the let them theory is, because somebody forwarded this

• 7:06Mel Robbins?

  episode to you, first of all, thank you for being here. The let them theory is super simple. Basically, it's a rule about life. The more control that you give up, the more control you gain. And the one thing that you have to stop controlling is other people. And so the let them theory is very, very simple. Learn to let people be who they are. Let them have their thoughts. Let them do what they're going to do. Let them have their opinions or behavior, their expectations, because the more you let other people be who they are and live their lives, the better your life gets. Because now you can take all your time and energy back and focus on you. That's the let me part. Let me focus on me. Let me focus my time and energy on what matters to me. So again, the more you stop controlling other people and trying to change them, the more

• 7:51Mel Robbins?

  control you gain over your own life and happiness. It's a beautiful thing. And you're also going to learn that this theory brings you closer to people, even the ones who are emotionally immature and can be difficult at times. Because it's going to teach you how to see people as they are and accept them as they are, and then take your power back and act accordingly. And we're going to talk about five ways specifically that you can use these four words, let them and let me, anytime you're dealing with somebody who's emotionally immature or just very difficult in general. The other reason why I wanted to really do an episode that was focused on family dynamics

• 8:34Mel Robbins?

  and challenging dynamics with families is so many of you have written in, and I have a ton of them, right here about what you're bracing for. And even if you have an amazing family, there are still dynamics in your family that are incredibly stressful and you just wish that it wasn't this way. And here's some of the things that people said. I feel anxious seeing my family and then my anxiety makes interacting with them even more difficult. I'm anxious with every interaction and I still constantly put them first. Why do I do this? My parents can't seem to accept me as an adult now. I'm no longer their child and so I can't stand the power struggle.

• 9:17Mel Robbins?

  How do I stop feeling so triggered to react when my sister says things on purpose to get to me? How do you stay calm and sturdy when a relative is getting under your skin? How do I deal with a boundary that's put in place and then it's like I get dirty looks, I get the punishing silent treatment, I get passive aggressive behavior from my spouse's family. They even unfriended me on Facebook. My mother-in-law is not getting her way in terms of hosting the holidays and it's driving me crazy how immature she's acting. Everyone tiptoes around the immature person in my family because everyone's worried how they're gonna react. Boundaries with my divorced parents. My mom talks badly about my dad. I don't want to hear it.

• 10:02Mel Robbins?

  There's a person in my immediate family who is always in crisis, which means there's never any space for me because it's always about her. People that can't see anyone else's opinion but their own in my family drive me crazy. There is some dynamic in your family that just isn't working and you're bracing or you're venting or you're keeping the peace or you're putting up with it and you just wish things could be easier. You wish their behavior didn't make you so emotional and that's why we're gonna talk about the let them theory today because there's a couple surprising things about it. The let them theory is not about changing them. The let them theory is learning to accept the reality of who people are as they are

• 10:45Mel Robbins?

  without changing them and then taking your power back and changing how you respond in these situations. Because let's just start out with a basic assumption. You're listening to this and you're sharing this with people that you care about because you want a better relationship with your family. And what I'm gonna tell you is the let them theory is the single best tool. To navigate these challenging dynamics, to manage your emotions, and to learn how to connect with people as they are and to create closer relationships while you protect your peace. In fact, let me read you something about the let them theory. What happens when you use the let them theory, and four words, let them and let me, as the world's best boundaries, is you become more compassionate.

• 11:30Mel Robbins?

  Instead of getting frustrated by everybody in your family, you begin to understand that most people you're related to, and everybody on the planet, they simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions or their behavior or their reactions maturely. With the let them theory, you're gonna learn how to respond with compassion. You're gonna learn how to set some boundaries. And you're also gonna learn how to stop letting other people's emotional immaturity run your life. All it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family and the entire family system can change for the better. And that person is you. And what we're gonna do today is we're gonna dig deep into the let them theory to teach you how to change yourself. And it's gonna be so powerful,

• 12:16Mel Robbins?

  I promise you, it will change every single dynamic with every person in your life for the better. So let's dig into this. Here's the truth I had to learn the hard way. And it's the first one I want you to hear. People only change when they're ready to change for themselves. It's true. There is nothing you can do to change your grandmother, or your mom, or your dad, or your brother, or your sister, or the person that you're married to. There is nothing that you can do if there's someone in your life who's always angry. You know, I bet if you really stop and think about it, there's probably somebody in your life or in your family that's always angry that no matter what you do,

• 13:00Mel Robbins?

  they would rather be griping about something or grousing about something or upset that this isn't happening, complaining about that thing, than just being present with you.

• 13:11Mel Robbins?

  And it's a really challenging thing when you wake up and realize, wow, this person's never going to change unless they want to change. And there's no amount of bending over backwards, or tiptoeing around it, or trying to make them happy, or asking them if they're okay, that is going to make them suddenly a calm and happy and peaceful person who's just present and loves to be with you. There's nothing you can do to change another person. In fact, the more you try to change somebody else, the more they're going to stay exactly who they are. People only change when they are ready to change for themselves, which means the only thing that you can change is your attitude about your relationship with this person. And it's so important to embrace this, that I want to give you an example.

• 13:55Mel Robbins?

  And I want you to think about someone in your life that you wish you could be closer to. But something's always wrong. It's almost like this person is like trying to hug a porcupine, like they're just always like, oh. And the fact is, whether you're talking about your family, or your partner's family, or your roommate's families, there are people in your life who would rather stay angry and mad at the world than be connected. There are people in your life who would rather play the victim than take responsibility for their life. There are people in your life that would rather sound off and complain and gossip about everybody else than taking a look in the mirror

• 14:40Mel Robbins?

  and just doing what they need to do to make their own life better. There are always going to be people in your life who are more comfortable. They just love focusing on what's going wrong than just being present and enjoying the people that are right here in front of their face. Have you ever noticed that? Have you ever had that experience? Where the second that you walk in the door, they're already complaining that it's been a year since you've been there, or they're complaining about somebody else? Truth number one, people only change when they're ready to change for themselves. And you can't change them. So what do you do? Let them. Let them be negative. Let them be a human porcupine. Let them bring in their emotional baggage.

• 15:20Mel Robbins?

  Let them grouse and gripe and complain about everything going on in the world and how awful things are and this, that, and the other thing. Let them ignore the fact that the people that love them are right in front of their face. Let them do the thing that they do. Let them do everything wrong. Because it's not your job to fix other people. It's your job to recognize who other people are and learn how to accept them. And it's so liberating to realize you get to choose how much of your peace their behavior is allowed to steal. See, when I was writing chapter seven of the Let Them Theory, and chapter seven is

• 16:03Mel Robbins?

  entitled, "When Grown Ups Throw Tantrums," I'd really sit with this uncomfortable truth. Why do you think loving someone means trying to change them? Why do you jump in to control and fix and manage another person? And here's what I realized, and this is a really important thing to understand. I don't think we mean to be controlling and fixing everybody else. I don't think we actually understand that we do it by default. And the reason why you and I can look at our sister and be like, "If I were in her shoes, I would do this, that, and the other thing." And I'll tell you why we operate like this with other people. It's because we've all been parented.

• 16:47Mel Robbins?

  And this is not anything against parents. I'm a parent. I have three adult children. I made a lot of good decisions and probably a lot of bad decisions. But when you're a parent, your job is to protect your kids. Your job is to care for your kids. Your job is to teach your kids. Your job is to keep them safe. Your job is to help them make decisions. And in the process of parenting, what do you do? Oh, my gosh. Well, you tell your kids exactly what to do. You dictate when they wake up. You dictate when they go to bed. You dictate what they eat. You tell them when they're wrong. You have consequences and punishment when they don't do what you say. You try to teach them all kinds of stuff. Like, you're basically shaping their behavior by, in many ways, controlling it.

• 17:32Mel Robbins?

  And so what happens is, as a kid, what's modeled for you is, okay, love means that somebody tells me what to do. Love means that somebody is trying to steer my life. Love means that somebody knows me better than I know me and is trying to force me to be what they want me to be. Love means people get irritated with me and then they yell at me and punish me. And so that parenting and the control that we exhibit on our kids gets tangled up with our idea of what it means to love somebody and to care. And here's the problem. Once you're an adult, without even realizing it,

• 18:16Mel Robbins?

  guess how you now show that you love people and that you care about them? By trying to change them. Because that's what we learned. We tell other people that we love what to do. We jump in and fix their problems before they even ask for advice. We believe we know what's best for them. And here's the thing I want you to understand. That's not love. That's parenting. That's not love. That's control. Real love means seeing someone and accepting someone exactly as they are. And it also means seeing someone and accepting someone for exactly who they're not.

• 18:58Mel Robbins?

  And that's why the people you most want to change can often be the hardest to love. Because you're stuck in this loop of wishing they were different. If only they got in shape. If only they were more motivated. If only they did a better job picking up after themselves. If only they would stop dating these losers. If only she didn't use that tone of voice. And when you're stuck in that loop, if only, I'll love you when? You're not actually loving somebody. You're judging someone.

• 19:34Mel Robbins?

  That's one of the hardest and most freeing truths inside the let them theory. Let them is not about just giving up and throwing your hands up in the air. Let them is about unlearning that old wiring from being parented. And choosing to show up in a relationship as an adult, not as some other adult's parent, but choosing to show up in a relationship, not with this fantasy of who you wish someone would be, but learning how to accept the reality of who someone is right now. Hard to do, but it's liberating when you really embrace this.

• 20:16Mel Robbins?

  That's why this is so empowering, because it forces you to be in the relationship as it is, instead of constantly resisting it because you wish it was something else. And I'm gonna talk a lot about it in the context of family dynamics. And the reason why is because when you walk into a room full of people that you're related to, you have this fantasy in your head of the version of the family that you really wish they would be. But instead, you're walking into a room full of people who are likely stressed out, they're reactive, they're emotionally maxed out, just like you are. They have a lot going on, most of which you're not even aware of.

• 21:01Mel Robbins?

  And you got to remember, you can't control them, you can't fix them, you can't make them change. And wishing that they were different isn't gonna make them different. But here's what you can do. And this is where it starts to get so liberating and so fun. You can better understand why people are emotionally immature. You can better understand why people are challenging. You can better understand why people react in ways that make no sense. Like especially the people that like crazy overreact over things. You're like, why is this a big deal? Like, what is wrong with you?

• 21:43Mel Robbins?

  And when you understand emotional reactivity and immaturity, guess what? It doesn't impact you. And you also stay in control so you can decide and you can change how you respond to it. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about next. Because the second truth that I want to teach you is that other people are just eight-year-olds in big bodies. Let's pause for just a moment so we can hear a quick word from our amazing sponsors who make the Mel Robbins podcast possible. But here's what I want you to do. I want you to share this with somebody that you love. Someone who may need this episode. Maybe they're heading to a big family party or to a wedding or the holidays,

• 22:27Mel Robbins?

  or maybe they've been calling you complaining about their family. And if you're finding this conversation helpful, I'm sure they're going to find it helpful, too. So, thank you in advance for sharing this with people that you care about. And don't go anywhere. I'll be waiting for you after this short break. Stay with me.

• 22:55Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Today, you and I are talking about how to deal with difficult people and how to use the let them theory in particular to navigate these challenging dynamics with people that you care about. And so, let's just jump right back into it. See, when I was writing Chapter Seven, Chapter Seven of the Let Them Theory is entitled, "When Grown-Ups Throw Tantrums." I really was wrestling with this question. I mean, haven't you often wondered, why does my dad erupt over everything? Why does my brother have so much anger? Why do grown adults snap and sulk and shut down and lash out and throw full-on tantrums?

• 23:37Mel Robbins?

  Why do your friends still use the silent treatment? And why is this so prominent? Especially in your families. I've certainly wondered that. In fact, you know, one day I was sitting down with my therapist, Dr. Anne Davin. She's a depth psychologist. She's a writer. She's honestly one of the wisest people I've ever met in my entire life. And I was talking to her about a very difficult family member. And this is a person who always makes it about them. The energy in the room. Do you have a person like this in your life where it's like, positive or negative? Their energy is the dominant one. It doesn't matter.

• 24:19Mel Robbins?

  They always know how to pull the focus back to themselves, whether it's pouting, or it's yelling, or it's mood swings. And I was exhausted by this person. And here's the thing. I think it's easy on Instagram and social media, just like, ah, cut people out, toxic people. But for most of us, the challenging people that we have in our life, it's not that we don't want them in our life. We just wish we could get along. And so I was talking with my therapist about this relationship because I was just like, what am I doing wrong? Like, how do I change this dynamic with this person? And more importantly, why are they like this?

• 25:03Mel Robbins?

  And Anne said something I will never forget. It changed my life. And I'm going to read to you from the Let Them Theory book. This is chapter seven, page 111. She said, Mel, most adults are just eight-year-old children inside of big bodies. The next time you're with this person and you feel yourself getting triggered by something they say, or some way that they act, I just want you to imagine the second grade version of them present with you in the room. Because what you're describing is someone who has the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. And like it or not, that's most adults.

• 25:44Mel Robbins?

  You know, when she said that, I was like, oh. But I want you to just think about that for a second. I'm going to keep on reading to you here on page 111. Why else?

• 25:57Mel Robbins?

  Does your mom pout instead of saying what's wrong? Why does your friend give you the silent treatment? Why does your boyfriend send you passive aggressive texts when you're out with friends? Why does your sister blow up and then act like nothing happened an hour later? It's because adults at their core are just as emotional as children. The difference is, sometimes they're better at hiding it. But here's a beautiful thing about the let them theory. Instead of getting frustrated, you begin to understand that most people simply don't have the tools to handle their emotions maturely. See, emotional maturity isn't something you're born with or that happens.

• 26:38Mel Robbins?

  It's a skill that takes time, practice, and a desire to learn. My therapist is right. Most people you meet still act like an eight-year-old child when they don't get what they want or when they feel uncomfortable emotions. The let them theory is going to teach you how to stop reacting and how to stop letting other people's emotional maturity ruin your life. And there's one more thing I want to share with you about emotional immaturity. Because the connection between childlike and adult behavior is undeniable. And I'm going to walk you through this graphic. This is on page 112.

• 27:18Mel Robbins?

  I really want you to consider how similar adult behavior is to a second-grade child. Like, when a child gets flooded with emotions and upset about something, what do they typically do? They run away from you. What does an adult do if they get upset with you and they're flooded with emotion? Oh, they avoid you, which is basically running away from you. When they get overwhelmed, what do they do? They shut down. Adults, oh, they get stoic. They just shove that stuff down. Have you ever seen a child throw a tantrum when they didn't get what they want? Or they're exhausted or hungry? I'm sure you have. Have you ever seen an adult one? Of course, that's the person that screams at something that's just ridiculous,

• 28:02Mel Robbins?

  or they rage text at you, or they send one of those crazy emails, or they vent at you. That's an adult tantrum. Kids slam doors, adults slam doors, kids lie, so do adults. And so, Ann and I continued to talk a lot about this fact, that most adults that you meet are just second graders in big bodies. And what she has explained since then, and what, you know, I've also learned from other world-renowned experts, is that emotional development in a human being often halts in childhood, unless the person actively works on it. So what does that mean? What that means is that if you're dealing with an adult,

• 28:46Mel Robbins?

  I don't care if they're 80 years old, or 50 years old, or 25 years old, when something happens that makes them feel emotional, even if it's like tiny, I'm talking tiny, the adult brain doesn't always know how to process or regulate adult experiences. Because what happens instead, and we've learned a lot about this from the experts on this podcast, is that you go from a functioning, rational adult to immediately having your stress response, or the amygdala hijack you. And when somebody feels emotionally flooded, the brain just automatically kicks into survival mode. Adrenaline, cortisol floods

• 29:27Mel Robbins?

  your body in like a nanosecond. This is what neuroscientists call emotional flooding. Heart rate spikes, muscles tense, your vision narrows, thought goes offline. You can't stop that first surge because it's a biological reaction. So when somebody is firing off a ridiculous string of passive-aggressive texts, when an adult thinks the silent treatment is how you deal with conflict in a relationship, when somebody snaps at you, this is the one that I was guilty of all the time, that just the tone shift, when they've just promised they're gonna try to stay calm,

• 30:08Mel Robbins?

  the reason why is they're in a biological response. Their nervous system literally comes online before logic and maturity can catch up.

• 30:20Mel Robbins?

  This is a second grader response inside an adult body.

• 30:26Mel Robbins?

  You have a adult human being, if you're looking at your grandparents, or your parents, or your siblings, or your partner, who is now overwhelmed by whatever emotion they're feeling, and they've never developed the emotional maturity to process emotions maturely. Because it's a skill, and here's the kicker. They usually have no idea this is actually happening. Seriously. They have no idea. The flooding happens because they get suddenly overwhelmed, because there's so many people in the house, and the groceries are everywhere, and the dogs are running around, that they just, instead of being able to go, "Oh, I'm getting a little overwhelmed. I guess I better,

• 31:09Mel Robbins?

  I should take a beat. I should step out of the room. I should reach for a glass of water." What do they do instead? They just automatically snap. They sulk, they roll their eyes, they lash out, they say something sharp, they retreat to their phone for the rest of the night, they sulk in the corner. And this is what's so confusing. If a little kid flopped on the floor of the kitchen and started banging about,

• 31:38Mel Robbins?

  like, you can handle that. I mean, you can expect it, because they're a kid. You know it's part of the deal, right? But when this happens in a house full of grownups that don't know how to handle their emotions, it's a whole different level of chaos.

• 31:56Mel Robbins?

  I want to give you an example that I'm sure you can visualize yourself in. Because we've all had the experience of hosting, right? And when you host, it's because you actually want to take care of everybody. You want to feel important. When people come up to your house and they're going to eat the meal you prepared, you really want them to enjoy it, right? And whether you put a little bit of care into it, or you put a ton of care into it, I think it's safe to assume that whomever the host is, they just want to feel like everybody appreciates the effort that they put in. Now that we've talked about the host, let's talk about you and me. As you're going to somebody else's house, or you're going to the holidays at your family's, or you're going to a wedding,

• 32:41Mel Robbins?

  you already driving down, you, me, I'm gonna admit to this, you're thinking about how, how is this gonna go? And maybe you're stopping and buying groceries, or maybe you're worried about what the sleeping arrangements are, or maybe that you're worried, or you think that you would do the wedding a little bit differently, and you think they're cutting corners, and they should have done it this way. So as you're heading there, you already have expectations. And I think this is one of the things that I have learned the hard way, that going with the flow and understanding that all that the person that is hosting wants is to just feel like people appreciate the effort in. And here's what we don't realize. We don't realize that if you don't go with the flow as the guest,

• 33:25Mel Robbins?

  you unintentionally can come across as rude, disrespectful. You can make a host feel like, no matter what they do, it's never enough. You can inadvertently make it seem like you're doing it better, or you would do it better, or they didn't do enough. And it creates this weird tension. Because, for example, maybe all you were trying to do was bake a pie that was gluten-free because that way your kids could eat it, and then nobody else would have to worry about it. But when you roll into the house without even thinking, and you say something like, "Oh, here's all the groceries. Let me just put them over here, and I'm just gonna move this thing in the fridge over here. And what if we do this? And can I help you set the table?" And then you're folding the napkins a different way.

• 34:10Mel Robbins?

  You're just trying to help. You didn't mean to roll into someone else's house like a freight train and suddenly take over and cover every single counter space, or roll in with the blow-up mattress because you don't really like your sister's bed because it's really like smooshy, and then you're not gonna get a good night's sleep. But you know what that feels like to the host? Wait, what I planned wasn't good enough for you? And then guess what happens? We, you and me, just inadvertently brought out the eight-year-old version of your sister, or your dad, or your mother. Because the kid part in there tried really hard. And they, just like every eight-year-old, wants to be noticed.

• 34:55Mel Robbins?

  They want to be appreciated. They want to be told, "You did a good job." And so what is the best thing that you and I can do? Well, first of all, it's to recognize the psychology of anybody hosting. That's just human nature, to want to feel appreciated. What's the best thing you can do? Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Give yourself a reality check. Don't live in the fantasy and the expectation. Live in the reality. You're not pulling into a five-star resort. You're in somebody's home. Here is your anchor tool. When it comes to anything that's beneath your expectation, anything that you now want to control and do better, this is straight from DBT, or dialectical behavioral therapy,

• 35:38Mel Robbins?

  which is a research-backed form of psychotherapy that teaches people how to manage big emotions, navigate relationships, and handle stress more effectively. Here's what you're gonna do. You have to be clear about your intentions before you walk in the door. Just ask yourself, "Why am I here? Why am I going to this event that is hosted by a family member? Why am I showing up?" If the answer is, "Well, I'm here because I just want to be with my family." If that's your answer, you have won the lottery. Because it means you don't need to fix anything. You don't need to control anything. You don't need to manage the eight-year-olds that show up in the big bodies and start tantruming.

• 36:23Mel Robbins?

  Because you need to be clear about your intention. "I'm just here to be with family." Which means, "I'm gonna go with the flow. I'm gonna be kind. I'm gonna be flexible. I'm gonna say thank you." That's it. That's it. That's all you need to do. Okay, this feels like a great moment to hit the pause button because by this point, I am sure there is somebody in your family, maybe there's a couple of people in your family that you're like, gosh, I wish they would hear this. We'll share this with them. It's a great way to say, I've been listening to this, I'm thinking about you, I really want to be closer to you, take a listen to this, and then let's talk about it because I love you and I think this is gonna make you laugh and I also think it's gonna make

• 37:06Mel Robbins?

  us closer. In fact, I would send this to my two daughters because we know we push each other's buttons and we also really want to be closer and having these tools helps you come from a place where you don't get so reactive and you can talk to each other about it and you can learn to accept each other. The Let Them Theory has made my relationships with the people that I care about so much more meaningful and I know it's going to do that for you and your relationships too. Alrighty, stay with me, we'll be right back.

• 37:48Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing this with people that you care about. I really want you to feel more connected to the people that you love and that brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about, which is what we typically do. What we typically do when mom or dad turns into an eight-year-old and starts sulking and huffing and eye-rolling, or your sister starts, "Oh, the victim," and going on and on and on about the drama. What do we do? We turn to whoever's standing next to us and we vent. We walk into the kitchen and we say, "You are not gonna believe what

• 38:29Mel Robbins?

  Tommy's girlfriend just did. Ugh." Or you walk into the bedroom and you shut the door and you're like, "These people are driving me crazy. We have got to get out of here. I cannot stand my father's new wife. This is just absolutely horrific. I mean, I cannot even..." That's not what we're gonna do and I'm gonna tell you why. Venting doesn't work. And I get it. It feels like it helps, right? But according to decades of research... It doesn't. Venting isn't helping. Venting makes things worse. So let's take that exact moment. You come rolling in. The hugs happen.

• 39:10Mel Robbins?

  You've got five casseroles and four grocery bags and two dogs in tow. Now you know that a lot of that has just triggered an eight-year-old to come out. And so as you're trying to make room for all the things that you've brought to accommodate your family, you're starting to get some huffs and some puffs. And some moving things around. And now you're thinking, are we already going here? Like, I've been here 10 minutes and now we're gonna go do this stressed-out thing again? No, I'm fine. I'm fine. And now you're getting the silent treatment. And as you're trying to talk to the parent, they won't look you in the eye. And so you retreat like you did when you were little, because now they're tantruming

• 39:54Mel Robbins?

  in the kitchen, and now they're huffing and puffing, and now you're confused and hurt. So what do you do? Oh. You call a friend. You pace around in the bedroom upstairs. You go for a walk with the dog. You then rehash every detail with your partner as you're on the walk. You vent. Can you believe it? We've only been... But it always happens like this. And doesn't it feel so good? And it feels good, right? Because it feels like you're releasing something. And it feels like you're right. You're right. These people that I'm related to are crazy. Why do they drive me crazy? We are better than these people because we would not act like this.

• 40:37Mel Robbins?

  But here's the thing. You're not releasing something. You're pouring gasoline on the fire. Venting doesn't release the emotion. It reloads it. And science backs this up. See, I know that you've been told just blow off steam, but guess what? Science says that's complete BS. There is this massive 2024 meta-analysis out of Ohio State. And a meta-analysis just means they took a bunch of other studies, analyzed them, and extracted the data. And in this meta-analysis, they covered 154 anger studies, and they found not a single shred of scientific evidence that venting reduces anger.

• 41:22Mel Robbins?

  In fact, it often makes people angrier. Why? Because every time you rant, "My dad's always like this, my brother never helps, bada-da-da-da." Every rant is a mental rep. You're not moving on. This is scary, listen to this. You're not moving on. Your brain is memorizing your outrage. That's crazy. You are locking that anger into your nervous system, which means, guess what? It makes it easier to get angry the next time.

• 42:05Mel Robbins?

  See, every time you go off about it and vent, you're reinforcing the loop. And let me say this. It is normal to want to vent. I have been one of the world's biggest venters, in fact. And once I read this research, I'm like, I'm never venting again. Because I can see the more you do it, the more you vent, and the more you get stuck in this loop. In fact, research from UCLA shows that when someone listens to a friend vent, they often feel closer and more supportive of that friend. Why? Well, because there's this connection in being trusted. You feel like someone's leaning on you and that you mattered. But there's a flip side to that closeness, and you probably have felt it, right?

• 42:49Mel Robbins?

  Because you know that saying, misery loves company? Have you ever noticed that when you start venting about something, especially something family-related? It's not fair, she's always the favorite. They don't, they don't treat the grandkids equally. You want the other person to get angry too. I see this with my daughters all the time. You know, one of them will pull me into the kitchen to vent about someone who is in their life. The next thing I know, I'm kind of angry on their behalf. And let me give you another example. There's probably someone in your family or your friend group who is dating somebody you don't like. So just think about that for a minute. There's somebody that you care about deeply, good friend of yours, sister, brother, maybe

• 43:33Mel Robbins?

  it's your dad, and your dad is now dating after divorce, maybe it's your mom, and your mom's dating after divorce, and you don't like them. And now they're bringing that new boyfriend or girlfriend, who drives you nuts, to Thanksgiving. And you walk into the kitchen and you say, "Oh, you're not gonna believe what Sarah's boyfriend just did." Now here's where it gets tricky, because when you vent about him, even if you don't say it directly, your sister feels it. She feels the judgment, she picks up on the tension, and what happens next?

• 44:17Mel Robbins?

  She feels like you're against her person. And so the more she feels like you and the family are against him or her, the more she's gonna cling to them. See, most people don't start distancing themselves from family because there's one big blowout. It's because there's a thousand tiny little slights, sideways comments, subtle eye rolls. It's death by a thousand microaggressions. And eventually, they stop showing up. And I'm saying this because here's the thing, particularly in situations where you don't like the person, and you're worried about who they're dating, the worst thing you could do is push your family member away. And you're gonna push them away the more you judge their person.

• 45:03Mel Robbins?

  What you want to do instead is stop the venting and just let them be with this person and let this person be somebody that annoys you and let them, let them, let them, let them, let them, and you keep your peace and you don't react because you want to keep your sister close. You don't want to push them to the person you're attacking because then you're pushing your sister away. You don't have to fake it. Just be intentional. Here's my favorite tip in terms of just being neutral, going with the flow. Just come with two questions prepared. Your questions can be about anything that you think will set the tone or cut the tension. And here's a really good one. So Bob, what's something

• 45:48Mel Robbins?

  you're looking forward to in the next 90 days? Positive, safe, neutral, and even better, spark something real. And by the way, this works great on an uncle, an aunt, a negative parent, or a grandparent too. So what are you looking forward to in the next 90 days? And when they're like, "Ooh, I don't know," let them. And then come back to what we said. Figure out your why. Why are you here? Are you here to change everybody? Are you here out of obligation? Or are you here because it's important to you to spend time with your family? If it's just important to you to spend time with your family and to spend

• 46:32Mel Robbins?

  time with your sister, that means you're spending time with her idiot boyfriend too. So just let him be who he is. Don't try to fix him. Ask a couple neutral questions. Go with the flow and you've already won. And that brings me to something that most of us don't want to admit, but it's the key to everything we're talking about. Sometimes, and I think I'm hinting at this, you're the one that's reacting. You're the one who's snapping. You're the one who's pouting. You're the one who's easily offended. You're the difficult person. Your little eight-year-old person who's hurt and who is sulking is the one who's coming out. And it also kind of begs the question, haven't you ever had

• 47:15Mel Robbins?

  that feeling after leaving a particularly challenging visit with family where you basically say, "Why do they get to me?" Why does this bother me so much? Why am I so exhausted by not only their behavior and their reactions, but I'm almost more exhausted by my own emotional reaction? Whether it's that you've shut down, or you got emotional and cried again, or that you got so offended, or maybe you exploded, and you said something you regret, or you hit send too fast, or you were the one that spiraled, or snapped, or shut down, and everybody else, even though they were triggering you, they were like, "Why are you being so sensitive?"

• 47:59Mel Robbins?

  And then as you're driving home, you're like, "Why did I say that thing? Why did I pick that fight? Why did I even get involved?" We've all done it. I've done it, and I'm sure you've had experiences where you're like, "Why do I let this bother me?" Well, I'm gonna tell you why. There's some amazing research from Harvard-trained neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolt-Taylor that emotions are just a chemical surge. But here's the cool part. Emotional reactions last about 90 seconds. But here's the catch. If you don't feed it. And this is a big deal. Because if you're standing in the kitchen,

• 48:41Mel Robbins?

  and somebody does something that offends you, and you have that chemical surge of emotional reaction, you might react emotionally. But what the let them theory is gonna teach you to do is life-changing. Because if you don't blow up, if you don't feed the emotions, if you don't react, if you don't take the bait when somebody's egging you on, and you just let the emotions inside of you rise and fall, guess what? The emotions disappear. So the next time somebody says something that's emotionally exhausting or offensive, you can just learn to ride the wave.

• 49:21Mel Robbins?

  But if you get emotional because somebody says something that offends you, and then you think, how freaking dare they? Why is this always happening with my mom or my dad? All of a sudden, you're starting to spiral deeper. Because instead of just noticing the emotion rising and falling, you're now gripping onto it. You're now making it intensify. You're now letting your emotions run you over, which then leads you to getting into the fight, or getting offended, or getting upset. There's a different way for you to operate using the let them theory. And this is a key insight that I want to underscore. You cannot choose these emotional reactions that happen in you and other people,

• 50:06Mel Robbins?

  but you can always choose how you respond to them. Let me read you from chapter seven, page 120. "You cannot control your emotions from rising up, and trying to is a waste of your time. There's a better strategy. Just learn to let them rise up and then fall without reacting. There's also nothing you can do that will ever allow you to control the emotional reactions in another human being, no matter how hard you try. See, emotions are contagious. Seeing someone else who's sad, or afraid, or disgusted, or angry can cause you to experience these same emotions in your own body. This explains why someone else's tone of voice, their shift in energy, their bad mood, their body language can immediately

• 50:50Mel Robbins?

  trigger you to feel on edge. And one more thing to understand is that whenever you or another person is hungry, or tired, or stressed out, or under the influence, or lonely, or angry, or hurt, guess what? You're going to be more emotional. And I say this because whenever I do or say something that I later regret, there's always stress, alcohol, or hunger involved. And knowing all this helps me to better manage my emotions, and it helps me to stay in control of what I say, do, and think. And that's one of my biggest takeaways from using the let them theory. You'll never, ever be able to control what is happening around you.

• 51:31Mel Robbins?

  You will also never be able to control your emotional responses because they are biological. They are automatic, just like how your stress response turns on automatically. However, you can choose what you think, say, or do in response to other people, or in response to the world around you, or in response to the emotions that are rising up inside of you. And that's the source of all your power. Let me give you a simple example around how you can use the let them theory in this 90-second research about emotions rising and falling, if you don't feed it.

• 52:16Mel Robbins?

  Let's say that you've been single for a while, and let's just say it's the holidays, and you're at a big family gathering, and a particular aunt leans over and says, "So, have you met anybody yet?" Now, you know they mean well, but the question hits a nerve. If you've met somebody, you'd be talking about it. Why is she asking me this? You instantly feel exposed, judged, and annoyed. It's also the aunt that just kind of grinds you a little bit and tends to just get up under your skin, and before you know it, no. You kind of turn in your chair, you're snapping, you reach for the second glass of red wine, now you're withdrawing, you're venting about it to somebody else later that night,

• 53:00Mel Robbins?

  you're up in your head going, "This always happens, this is why I never should have come." Or here's one that came up for a lot of people on the team as we were putting this episode together, that you roll into your grandparents' or your parents' house, you do the hug, and the first thing out of their mouth is either, "You know, I never see you enough", or, "You haven't been here in a year." And you're thinking, "I'm standing here right now. Like, why are we talking about what's happened in the past? Can you just, please, be with me in the moment? Why can't we just enjoy being together? Why do you have to comment on what's not happening? Jesus." Like, can you see how fast you can get yourself, like, all triggered?

• 53:45Mel Robbins?

  But if you know that's gonna happen, or you know there's gonna be a slight, and you know your reason for going, you're going to be with family. So you're just gonna go with the flow. And you're gonna let your grandma be your grandma. You're gonna let your parents be your parents. And as that comes up through your body, what are you gonna do? You're gonna remember the let them theory. Just let me pause. Let me breathe. Let me not give this any more power than it requires or deserves. And let me just say one other thing. You know, I said that it's a really important tool to anchor yourself in why are you going? Like, if you hate your family that much, if they're that horrible, don't go.

• 54:29Mel Robbins?

  And if there's unresolved business, the holidays and big family get togethers, it's not the time. It's just not the time. People's emotions are already running high. Everyone's tired, they're overwhelmed, they are hosting. It's chaotic when people come into your house and when you got lots of people around. It can bring up a lot for everybody when all the personalities are around and all the old stuff comes up. That's not the time to bring up a deep family issue. That's not the time to unload your frustration. Don't expect to unpack years of baggage at the Thanksgiving table. That's not appropriate because nobody is mature enough to handle it.

• 55:12Mel Robbins?

  And that's not the reason why you're going. Instead, go in with your values front and center. And if one of your values is making an effort with your family, then that's your compass. And if someone's in a bad mood or if they bring up old stuff, you don't have to manage it. You don't have to fix it. If someone's sulking, you don't have to be the private investigator of the family and figure it out. You're there to be with family. You're there to go with the flow. So stay focused on what matters, which is showing up, not fixing everything.

• 55:50Mel Robbins?

  Remind yourself, just let me stay calm. Let me take the high road. Let me be the adult in the room. Let me remember why I'm here. And let me respond from a place that is mature. That's the power of let me. And one of the big questions that I get from readers around the world is how to use the let them theory with making better boundaries. Well, first of all, let them and let me are the world's best boundaries in the world. Because when you say let them, just let my family be who they are. Just let them be who they're not. You're drawing a boundary between yourself and your family members. And that's an important boundary because you're queuing to yourself that your job is not to fix people, control them, or change them.

• 56:34Mel Robbins?

  Your job is to see them as they are. So that's boundary number one. Boundary number two that you need is let me. Let me focus on what's in my control here. And we've talked about a number of things that are in your control. One of them is understanding why you're showing up in the first place. Another one is understanding the psychology of how somebody who's hosting gets easily triggered because they're stressed out. And so how you can just let me go with the flow. Let me lower my expectations and let me focus on why I'm here. Because if I'm just focused on showing up to be with family, it's easier to go with the flow. But another boundary and way that you can use let me is by recognizing two areas where

• 57:17Mel Robbins?

  you actually have complete control. One of them is time and the other one is topics. And I love this because boundaries are not things that you signal to other people. Boundaries is a rule that you have for yourself. And that's what let me is all about. Taking responsibility for yourself. So let me have rules around time. Because you're in control of how long you're going to stay. You're in control and you get to decide what events are you going to attend? And when is it time to leave? You get to choose, is two days your limit? Is three days?

• 57:59Mel Robbins?

  Is one night at your parents' house or your sister's house the limit? Do you stay in a hotel? Do you stay on site? That's the way that you can think about time. How is it? Let me determine how much time works for me. Because, you know, my family has this rule that we laugh about that we're really good for about three days and then everything goes to hell. Because everybody gets completely stressed out and frustrated with each other and then we start having blowups about everything. So, three days is an excellent time boundary. Second boundary on let me is topics. You get to choose what you will and won't talk about, right? You talk about work, money, dating, politics? You can give yourself permission to not get pulled into debates, not get pulled into

• 58:44Mel Robbins?

  arguments that leave you feeling drained or angry, and to not engage in topics where you self-silence. And a great example of a topic boundary actually goes back to one of the questions from our listeners. "I'm feeling stressed because my parents are divorced and my mom's always trashing my dad." That's an excellent example where the let me part is, let me say, "Mom, I don't want to hear about dad. I'm not available to talk about it, so let's talk about something else." That's the perfect way to use the let me part to draw a boundary and just shut it down. And if somebody crosses your line, right? You can simply redirect. You don't need to defend yourself. You can say, "I don't want to get into that today.

• 59:28Mel Robbins?

  Let's talk about your garden." That's it. It's just a redirect. And I love that because a redirect, let me just direct this in a different way, keeps you in control. And I love these two boundaries because I think that's all you need. And around this time of year, you start to see a ton of stuff online about big boundaries and big, bold declarations. And before you see your family, get those boundaries in place. Well, here's what I'm going to tell you. If your family's that bad, don't go. Number one. Because you shouldn't have to armor up in order to protect yourself in an environment like that. If you already have to say, "I will not be spoken to that way," you probably shouldn't

• 1:00:13Mel Robbins?

  be going to the dinner. The fire is already burning. The temperature in that room is way too hot. And so, instead of walking and swinging, instead of bracing, instead of gripping the wheel as you drive, just fucking smart. And you've got your boundaries with time, you've got your boundaries with topic. You understand you're just letting people be who they are because they've always been this way. You're not expecting them to be any different. But if you notice that things are slipping, if you notice that the redirecting isn't working, if you notice that there's a little bit more conflict happening, there are simple ways to diffuse it. And there's a line that I've been using a lot that I really love.

• 1:00:56Mel Robbins?

  As somebody recently tried to pick an argument with me, and it's this. "I see the facts differently." That's it. "I see the facts differently." When you say, "I see the facts differently," you are telling the person that's trying to pick an argument that this is not up for debate. I'm not arguing about the facts, and I see the facts differently. That's it. It's simple, it's firm, it is respectful, it's confident. And one other thing that I want to share with you that has been an incredible strategy that I've learned using the let them theory, is the more I've learned to let people be who they are, the more I've embraced the reality that people are not changing,

• 1:01:39Mel Robbins?

  and I'm not going to fix this or improve the dynamic by changing them. I gotta change how I approach this. Everything flips. I don't walk in bracing for conflict. Because when you let people be who they are and who they're not, you don't have to brace. You know exactly who you're dealing with. If you've got somebody who's narcissistic, they've always been that way. Let them. That way you don't have to brace. You can expect it to be that way. If you have somebody who's self-centered, let them. If you have a victim in your family, let them be the victim all the time. You don't even need to brace for it, because you actually recognize it. And what ends up happening when you're no longer bracing for conflict,

• 1:02:21Mel Robbins?

  you're embracing the reality, it is what it is, as some people like to say, you now have the time and energy to have a plan to redirect things and bring totally different energy, the kind of energy that you want to experience. When you change the energy, you set the tone. So stop preparing to defend yourself and instead prepare something else that's fun. Why not pack a puzzle? Why not pack a card game? How about you find fun little gifts for everybody? Or use AI and come up with a bunch of questions that get people talking? What are you looking forward to?

• 1:03:06Mel Robbins?

  Find a way to spread out the energy in the room. For example, what I love is look at where you're going. Do a little bit of research. See if there's anything cool going on, whether it's a corn maze or it's a new museum, and actually plan for it. Have you ever noticed a lot of the time when you go see family, everybody arrives and it's like, what are we doing tomorrow? Oh, whatever you want, but nobody's planned anything. And so everybody's sitting around. But you can bring the energy of adventure. You could bring the energy of, hey, let's all go do this. You can bring the energy of spreading out a puzzle because people roll their eyes, but then they're going to come over and start doing the puzzle with you. Let me read to you one last passage from the Let Them Theory.

• 1:03:49Mel Robbins?

  This is from the chapter How to Love Difficult People on page 103. And you know, we've talked a lot about how other people are annoying. But the truth is family matters and so does connection. And one of the greatest things about learning how to use the Let Them Theory and bringing it home to your family gatherings and giving the Let Them Theory to everybody in your family is that it actually teaches you through acceptance and through emotional maturity, how to create the space for a deeper connection with the people that you really love in your life. And you know, I get it.

• 1:04:31Mel Robbins?

  It is easy to be irritated or offended by your parents. It's easy to blame them. It's also easy to feel frustrated and annoyed with the dynamics with your siblings, or your divorced parents, or your in-laws, or your stepparents, or your adult children. It's easy to choose not to understand their perspectives. But you have to decide whether or not you're gonna accept people as they are, your family, and your step-family especially, or create the distance that you need. Because all it takes is one person to change the way they show up in a family, and the entire system can change for the better. And that person is you. I mean it. You are so much more powerful than you believe.

• 1:05:15Mel Robbins?

  That's why I love the let them theory. By learning to focus on what you can control, your thoughts, your actions, your energy, your healing, you unlock the power to change not only yourself, but the world around you. It all starts with you. That's how much power you have. Anytime you improve yourself, it improves all your relationships. And this is particularly true with family. I've felt this impact in my own family. The stuff that used to bother me doesn't stress me out anymore. I don't allow myself to get sucked into the drama. I just stay laser-focused on how I show up and living my life in a way that makes me proud. One of the things that I've determined for myself

• 1:05:58Mel Robbins?

  is that it is important for me to have a close relationship with my family. And wasting my time and energy allowing them to stress me out or trying to control situations that are beyond my control or change people who aren't ready to change, it's a waste of time. Because here's the truth. You have a limited amount of time with your loved ones. At some point, you're gonna realize that your parents aren't going to be here forever, and that this was their first time as a human being too. People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and they don't want to. Let your parents be less than what you deserve. Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale.

• 1:06:42Mel Robbins?

  Because they're doing the best they can with the resources and life experiences they have. And now you get to choose what happens moving forward. I'm not saying this to justify anything bad that happened. I'm not saying that you don't deserve better. Everyone deserves to feel seen, supported, and loved, particularly by their family. But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. And if they haven't done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in the way that you deserve. Let them. When you recognize that, you have a choice in your life. Let your family be who they are. Your dad's not changing, your mom's not changing,

• 1:07:27Mel Robbins?

  your siblings aren't changing, your in-laws aren't changing. The only person you can change is you. When you say "let them", you are seeing your family exactly as they are for the first time in your life, perhaps. They're human. And you have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. And accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean surrendering. It's about reclaiming your power to shape your future. Learn how to let adults be adults and accept people as they are. Then decide how to make the best of it.

• 1:08:12Mel Robbins?

  And I promise you, your family dynamics will get better too. And in case no one else tells you this, as your friend, I will tell you. I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to use everything that you and I have talked about today to deal with difficult people, situations, and emotions that used to drive you crazy and still find peace, but come from a place of acceptance and compassion. Because that's the way you're going to connect more deeply with the people that drive you crazy, that you still love. Alrighty, I'll see you in the very next episode. I'll be waiting to welcome you in the moment you hit play.

• 1:09:01Mel Robbins?

  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. All right, you ready? No, you're good. Okay, here we go. These glasses are still so dirty. Chris just got in, so I think I might need a second before the beeps and the honks and the walk-in and the garage. We're gonna have a throat clearing thing. Jessie, sorry, lots of edits today. How was that? Do you remember what page I was on? That's how we do it, people. Okay.

• 1:09:28Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 1:10:03Mel Robbins?

  Sirius XM Podcasts.

• 1:10:09Mel Robbins?

  This segment is sponsored by Celebrity Cruises. Here's what I love about Celebrity Cruises. They'll take you to nearly 300 destinations across all seven continents, and the ship itself feels like part of the destination. Whether you're walking the streets of Europe, or, oh my gosh, breathing in the quiet of Alaska, or just lying on a beach doing absolutely nothing. It's a break from the routine and a chance to make real memories with people you love. So my husband, Chris, and I just took this trip to Montana. No big plans, no packed itinerary, and I wanted to go to Montana because we had honeymooned in Montana 29 years ago, and we haven't been back since.

• 1:10:55Mel Robbins?

  And honestly, Chris and I, we just wanted a chance to slow down and soak in the last stretch of summer before life picked back up again. Oh my gosh, we laughed so much, we fished, we didn't take our ourselves too seriously. I got out on the river to fish three times. Twenty nine years ago, after we got married, Chris got me this beautiful fly fishing rod as my wedding present. And I have to say, being out there with Chris on the river and using my 29 year old wedding present all these years later, it just made me feel calm. I loved every single second of it.

• 1:11:35Mel Robbins?

  And one morning, we were just sitting outside our cabin, no phones, no music, just coffee, the mountains in front of us. Oh, the sound, the sound of the water in the distance. And I realized, I couldn't remember the last time I'd sat still like that. I mean, I live in Vermont, which is stunning when it comes to nature, but still, my house, I mean, it's almost like another office, right? You always got something you gotta be doing. So it can be hard to appreciate the natural beauty around it and be fully present. But holy cow, out in Montana with Chris, no pressure, no deadlines, no to do list running through my head.

• 1:12:20Mel Robbins?

  And it hit me right there. My normal life is loud, not just with noise, but with pressure and expectations and constant motion. And it's not that anything's wrong. I am blessed to have the life that I have. So I'm not saying feel bad for me. Don't feel bad for me. But it's just constant. The noise, the pressure, it's constant. And I know you can relate to that. That morning in Montana, as the noise faded away and the quiet took hold, I was reminded of something I had forgotten. You shouldn't need to break to realize that you need a break. And you should take a break because you're human.

• 1:13:05Mel Robbins?

  You need a pause so you can reconnect with yourself, with your life, with the wonderful people you choose to experience life with. And a change of place and pace, it gives you a change in perspective. You stop performing, you start being. I bet you felt this too. That sense of going through the motions, even when everything looks fine on paper. You tell yourself, oh, I'm just gonna power through, I gotta keep pushing it, stay busy. At some point, I get through all this stuff, I gotta take a break. But here's the thing. Clarity doesn't live in the grind. Clarity lives in the quiet moments. The ones you give yourself permission to have. So here's your nudge from your friend Mel.

• 1:13:48Mel Robbins?

  You don't need a reason to plan something. The reason is that you're a human being. The reason is the laughter, the stillness, the reminder that you're allowed to take a break. Take the trip, whether it's a vacation or a staycation. Step away from the noise. Whether it's just for a day, or it's for a weekend, or if you can take the week. Because even if you just step away for a moment, you'll come back to your life with new eyes. And that's the whole point. And I want to give a huge shout out to Celebrity Cruises for sponsoring this bonus segment. If you're ready to get out of your routine and back into your life, this is your sign.

• 1:14:31Mel Robbins?

  You can have the intimate feel of a smaller ship with a variety of larger ones. With Celebrity Cruises, you get this really unique experience. It's elevated, but totally relaxed. I'm talking world-class dining, endless entertainment, beautiful accommodations. Learn more at celebritycruises.com. Ships registry, Malta and Ecuador.