MBMBaM 796: Wire and Ass

Get your giant jug of colon cleaning juice and settle in for some wisdom, hard earned through Wire and Ass. We have advice about stolen slippers, royal ice cream, and the horrors of group chat. And obviously, yes, about bathrooms. Suggested talking points: Re-Laxative, Thirty-to-Thirty-six Boogie boards, Notice Us Squarespace Senpai, I’m Unjealous, Splash-Jug Taylor Immigrant Defenders Law Center: https://www.immdef.org/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 1:11Travis McElroy?

  Hello and welcome to My Brother, My Brother and Me, an advice show for the modern era where apparently we're not even allowed to cough anymore. You weren't coughing. On the oldest brother.

• 1:19Griffin McElroy?

  You took a giant apple off the ground. Why was it on the ground?

• 1:22Travis McElroy?

  And you waited until we had- It's an audio podcast. We finished the sync.

• 1:26Griffin McElroy?

  Like we synced and then you knew it was game time and you reached down-

• 1:30Travis McElroy?

  And then you were like, bite of apple. They had a coughing fit.

• 1:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:33Travis McElroy?

  You didn't!

• 1:34Griffin McElroy?

  A chewing fit.

• 1:35Travis McElroy?

  That sounded like me eating an apple, but like- And looked like.

• 1:37Griffin McElroy?

  And looked like it. We saw it. Why was it on the ground? Why did you have a ground apple though?

• 1:42Travis McElroy?

  We have done so much work on our video setups, Justin, for you to keep saying, "That's not for them."

• 1:49Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:49Travis McElroy?

  Guys, I've sipped, can I just say, I've sipped so greedily from the chalice of life-

• 1:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:55Travis McElroy?

  Since we last recorded. I both saw the third Avatar movie and had my first colonoscopy. At the same time? No, that would have been very convenient.

• 2:04Griffin McElroy?

  Even though that is the way that the director Jim Cameron did intend for you to see the third.

• 2:09Travis McElroy?

  Fire and ass.

• 2:11Griffin McElroy?

  Wire, wire and ass is.

• 2:14Travis McElroy?

  Guys, can I just tell you, this is, I won't tell you, which do you want to hear about?

• 2:19Griffin McElroy?

  Shit, man.

• 2:20Travis McElroy?

  Can you talk about them both?

• 2:21Travis McElroy?

  Can you talk about it in a way that it applies to both of them at the same time?

• 2:25Griffin McElroy?

  Compare and contrast.

• 2:26Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 2:26Travis McElroy?

  Well, I meant like make big, broad, general statements.

• 2:29Griffin McElroy?

  It took longer than I would have wanted, like that kind of stuff.

• 2:33Travis McElroy?

  Right. There were some surprisingly funny parts.

• 2:36Travis McElroy?

  Okay.

• 2:38Travis McElroy?

  I liked it when the whale talked.

• 2:39Travis McElroy?

  There was a twist.

• 2:40Griffin McElroy?

  Sigourney Weaver was there.

• 2:42Travis McElroy?

  When I sat down, that Slice and I, we're gonna go see Fire and Ash. Dad was going to see a movie with the girls at the same time, so we're just gonna hitch a ride, you know, and really embrace Fire and Ash, like really get, get deep into the world.

• 2:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 2:58Travis McElroy?

  And I pulled up my app, my special app I use to tell me when to pee, you know, run pee.

• 3:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:03Travis McElroy?

  And I, and I saw it said, three hours and 15 minutes until credits. And I tried to like, I figured it was a bug, so I tried to make my phone refresh.

• 3:14Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:15Travis McElroy?

  And I looked at Slice and I said, Slice, is this motherfucker three hours, 15 minutes long? And I almost at that point was like, I, not even for the Vine, my man, not even, I have to go. I can't stay for Avatar.

• 3:26Travis McElroy?

  Has anyone let Jimmy Cameron know that they have let him make multiples of these and he doesn't have to squeeze it all?

• 3:33Griffin McElroy?

  He does have to squeeze it all in. Just curious how many pee breaks were in this bad boy, cause that sounds like three dozen, like good fertile ground.

• 3:40Travis McElroy?

  I took five.

• 3:41Griffin McElroy?

  All right.

• 3:42Travis McElroy?

  I will, I took five and one of them, I went and bought gummy snakes and then found the theater that my kids were in watching SpongeBob.

• 3:52Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:53Travis McElroy?

  And went and just saw how they were doing, brought them some gum, like just checked in on them for a little bit, just like a little field trip in the middle of, middle of Jim's vision.

• 4:01Travis McElroy?

  I haven't checked the runtimes, Justin, but I imagine there's some disparity between SpongeBob and Avatar 3.

• 4:08Griffin McElroy?

  Did they see it twice? Do they do it back to back?

• 4:10Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, when they finished, did they just wait the hour and 45 minutes for your movie to be done?

• 4:14Travis McElroy?

  Hey, guys, there's a lot to do at Pullman Square.

• 4:18Griffin McElroy?

  Sure.

• 4:18Travis McElroy?

  I don't know if you've noticed, but it's not just a movie theater anymore. There is a Chico's.

• 4:22Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sure. So did you see the movie? Cause you made it sound like you left the movie because you thought it would be too long.

• 4:29Travis McElroy?

  No, I left in the middle of the movie for a while and then came back. This movie was so long that I like, I disassociated and then had the thought like, there is no way this movie is still going. I like completely left spiritually too. That doesn't count the five physical absences that I took during the movie.

• 4:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 4:49Travis McElroy?

  Uh, which will be a really new textured experience when I watch at home.

• 4:52Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 4:53Travis McElroy?

  With the family gathered around.

• 4:54Griffin McElroy?

  Now, were you able to-

• 4:55Travis McElroy?

  Suddenly it will all make sense.

• 4:56Griffin McElroy?

  Were you able to similarly kind of astral project while you were getting your butt examined? Your butt and butthole looked at.

• 5:04Travis McElroy?

  Do you guys know about the, the whole, I had to drink, I had to drink a liter of diuretics. In addition to not eating the day before, I had to drink four liters of diuretic. I didn't drink a jug this big.

• 5:22Griffin McElroy?

  That's a big jug.

• 5:23Travis McElroy?

  And they're like, when I caught, when I, they're like, we're about to start, this is the, how you do the prep. And they hand me this huge jug that I had to drink. And they chanted your name and said, down in one, down in one. This is no problem for me. I can drink lots of stuff. No problem. It looked like your big jug that you have, Griffin, your big water jug. But then-

• 5:42Griffin McElroy?

  A big motivational jug.

• 5:42Travis McElroy?

  There's a twist in the instructions where you have to start drinking at six. So I had to start drinking at 6:00 PM the night before my procedure. And then every 15 minutes, another cup. So like every, I did my own little power hour.

• 5:59Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, sounds like it.

• 6:00Travis McElroy?

  Diuretics.

• 6:01Griffin McElroy?

  Johnny, Johnny Forty Hands with fucking diarrhea juice.

• 6:04Travis McElroy?

  You were allowed to sleep though, right? Oh Trav, that's so interesting. Legally, yes.

• 6:13Travis McElroy?

  From a, from a legal perspective, no judge would have-

• 6:17Griffin McElroy?

  Hygienically?

• 6:18Travis McElroy?

  As you sloshed around like a hot water bag. This was the actual procedure. I had to drink every 15 minutes, a cup of it. And then at fir-, for the first hour, I was like, I don't think this laxative is working. And then I was wrong.

• 6:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 6:33Travis McElroy?

  And then I, I did that for three hours, every 15 minutes until I drank three liters. And then you have to start the next round, five hours before your procedure, which for me was 2:00 AM. So I had to wake up at 2:00 AM. Start drinking laxative. Hmm. Couldn't go back to bed during this, guys, cuz like. How? The laxative does practical. It's not a relaxative, you know what I mean? Right.

• 7:00Travis McElroy?

  I watched Predator Killer of Killers, man, and if you need a movie to watch up at 2 a.m. It's there for you. Drinking your colonoscopy laxative. I have to imagine your nerves. Yeah, man. Your nerves are already on edge. What from all the laxative? I imagine introducing the Predator into that mix is overload. Oh, no, it was exactly the sensory distraction that I needed. Predator Killer of Killers. The Predator was there for you when you needed him most. I wanted to go in. There is a chart that shows you how good you did at cleaning out your colon, and it's like. A leaderboard? And it's like, if you, if your last BM looked like clear, like that's what we're going for is clear water pee from the butt.

• 7:44Travis McElroy?

  If your last one was clear, you get an A plus.

• 7:47Griffin McElroy?

  Is that how the doctor described? Is that what the doctor said to you is clear water pee from the butt? They say you can't get our.

• 7:54Travis McElroy?

  You had Clearwater, Florida pee from the butt this morning.

• 7:58Griffin McElroy?

  We know it's important for you to do this exam. Gentlemen of your age should certainly be safe and keep an eye out for stuff. But we won't do it, we won't do it until we get clear water pee from the butt.

• 8:10Travis McElroy?

  We've noticed there's still some phaetons in your system. We're waiting for you to go clear water pee from the butt. Audit those right out of there, buddy. It was, uh, I had to wait about two hours before I could really get it going.

• 8:22Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 8:23Travis McElroy?

  And, uh, before I get the anesthesia and stuff. And, uh, I was separated by a very thin curtain from strangers getting a very similar procedure to me.

• 8:31Griffin McElroy?

  Cool.

• 8:31Travis McElroy?

  Who were being asked a lot of invasive questions that the gentleman next to me was pretty determined to answer at his loudest possible volume. I don't want to dox this guy by telling you what the questions he was asked were, but the answer was like, I don't know if I am dumb, beady's or not. Or, um, this is good. Yeah, not quite clear, more of a brown and mucky. It's like, I was in my head feeling very superior.

• 8:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 8:57Travis McElroy?

  And she was like, show me on the chart. He's like, well, let me take a look here. Say, oh, no, oh, no, pal. Uh, but I had the, uh, I got a, uh, super clean bill of colon health.

• 9:10Griffin McElroy?

  Love that dude.

• 9:11Travis McElroy?

  Loved it. Loved the colon. Said I've been taking a bit too much ibuprofen.

• 9:16Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, no.

• 9:16Travis McElroy?

  Which is interesting, cause the wrist doctor told me to gobble up, up like Pac-Man. So I don't know, man, these doctors.

• 9:22Griffin McElroy?

  Did they find, wait, hold on. Did they find the ibuprofen still kinda clumped up down there? There's still like eight or nine ibuprofen in here.

• 9:31Travis McElroy?

  No, it just is all like messed up and bad down there. You know what I mean? Like, you know how you're not supposed to take a lot of, you know, it's just messed up.

• 9:39Griffin McElroy?

  They're like, the plumbing, the plumbing works aesthetically, it's not so great. We've seen better.

• 9:44Travis McElroy?

  I'm cutting back on that, but no, but the colon was great. And I did this cause I turned 45 and James Vanderbeek has been raising awareness about, about, uh, getting, getting these screenings done. And 45 is the cutoff for mine, cause, cause James has been, uh, uh, raising awareness of colon cancer. And I wanted to get it out and ahead of it. I got a clean bill of health. And when you turn 45, if you haven't gotten a colonoscopy yet, and you also haven't seen Predator Killer of Killers yet.

• 10:11Griffin McElroy?

  Or Avatar Fire and Ash, cause it really juiced.

• 10:14Travis McElroy?

  Or Avatar Fire and Ash would be actually a, actually that would be a, when it's available to stream on home video, that would be an excellent late night.

• 10:21Griffin McElroy?

  A rock. Maybe not during the, the colonoscopy, but while you're drinking the juice for sure, like the number of run, I mean, it'd be run, run pee from the butts, which is a different app that we're starting. And we're gonna be sued out of existence.

• 10:35Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you gotta have clear water, pee from the butt.

• 10:37Griffin McElroy?

  Clear water, pee from the butt. Is it too late to change the theme of the year?

• 10:41Travis McElroy?

  I did wanna touch.

• 10:42Griffin McElroy?

  2020 dri- 2020 drips, clear water, pee from the butt.

• 10:47Travis McElroy?

  We're not changing the year.

• 10:48Griffin McElroy?

  It's so good, you guys. I don't know. How are you?

• 10:50Travis McElroy?

  It's really great.

• 10:51Griffin McElroy?

  One week out, actually we recorded that, what, almost two weeks out now. How are you guys feeling about it?

• 10:56Travis McElroy?

  I love it.

• 10:56Griffin McElroy?

  I'm loving it. I've been living it.

• 10:58Travis McElroy?

  It's great.

• 10:58Griffin McElroy?

  The more I live with it, the more I love it. I, I have been, as you guys know, I'm very active on MySpace and I've seen some questions about who the big boy is. Oh my god.

• 11:10Travis McElroy?

  And I thought this was self-explanatory.

• 11:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 11:13Travis McElroy?

  We said it's a boy in a hospital.

• 11:14Griffin McElroy?

  A boy in a hospital who's counting on you.

• 11:17Travis McElroy?

  To stick to your goals for the year, right?

• 11:20Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I maintain, I maintain that the big boy could also be like inside you, like the witness of you, like your consciousness or whatever.

• 11:28Travis McElroy?

  And I maintain that for the right price, it could literally be frishest big boy. If they would just pick up the phone and call.

• 11:34Travis McElroy?

  So I want you all to put listeners, yourself in the mindset of that baseball player, who the big boy is like, just throw a heater, just one heater for me. But maybe it's like, the big boy's like, hey, you know how you've been thinking about learning French for a while? Do that for me, I'm dying.

• 11:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, but it, but like, don't get too hung up on that part.

• 11:54Travis McElroy?

  Not the dying part, he's an imaginary boy.

• 11:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, but you need to do it, do it for someone.

• 12:00Travis McElroy?

  But even the imaginary boy shouldn't die, like, the boy in my girl was imaginary, but his death still caused a great pain.

• 12:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:06Travis McElroy?

  If he finally learned French, he won't die?

• 12:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, maybe, I mean, no.

• 12:11Travis McElroy?

  Are you trying to get to like a yearly submission? Cause you realize that we do not have a way of ending this episode?

• 12:16Travis McElroy?

  No, so I'm glad that you brought that up, Justin, because part of my make it stick is to stick with the fears, because I really like it and I want to make that stick.

• 12:26Griffin McElroy?

  That's interesting.

• 12:28Travis McElroy?

  I kind of thought.

• 12:28Griffin McElroy?

  We didn't discuss that beforehand.

• 12:31Travis McElroy?

  Did it, I think we're gonna have to make it stick, like stick the landing for the first time.

• 12:35Griffin McElroy?

  Or just go, you know what, we'll make it stick, just go back to Yahoo Answers. No problemo.

• 12:40Travis McElroy?

  That would be good, that would be good. Hey, uh, this is still an advice show, that's not changing.

• 12:45Travis McElroy?

  No.

• 12:45Travis McElroy?

  Right, that is, that's consistent, that, that will not, that will not change. Uh, and we're gonna take your questions and turn them out to me like into wisdom, because that's, that's, it's our trade.

• 12:53Travis McElroy?

  That's what we do.

• 12:54Travis McElroy?

  My wife and I, that's what we do. So we do our job. My wife and I are starting to look at houses. I was afraid to look at them for a long time, too. I used to shield my eyes as my father would.

• 13:07Travis McElroy?

  It's too much.

• 13:07Travis McElroy?

  My wife and I are starting to look at houses, we got married in October, yay. Our realtor keeps sending us suggestions that only have one bathroom. This would be probably fine for a typical couple, but we both have IBS and need two plus bathrooms. It's a good plus there. The plus is doing some heavy lifting. Uh, how do I tell the Realtor that one bathroom just won't cut it? That's from Problems in Providence.

• 13:34Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, obviously you can tell your Realtor that you'll really only need a home with two, two plus bathrooms. Please don't. Realtors will keep showing you shit like there is no amount of asking you can do where the Realtor is not going to be like, but maybe that I know that you guys both have pooping emergencies every day, but look how charming and the price per square foot of this one is good. Sorry about the poop emergency thing, but I am going to show it to you.

• 13:58Travis McElroy?

  There's no way, but like if you say, uh, I need two bathrooms and if they say why, you had to have an answer prepared.

• 14:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 14:06Travis McElroy?

  What are you gonna, you'll just freeze. You gotta know why.

• 14:09Griffin McElroy?

  I don't think there should be.

• 14:10Travis McElroy?

  To be fair though, I don't feel like having two bathrooms is a wild request that you would need. Two bathrooms? La di da. Why? Yeah, but obviously they, obviously they felt like they needed to justify it at some point.

• 14:22Griffin McElroy?

  That's true.

• 14:23Travis McElroy?

  If you guys want to continue to challenge the premise of the existence of the question, we can, but it feels like it might be more fruitful to just.

• 14:30Griffin McElroy?

  Truck, truck right.

• 14:30Travis McElroy?

  This never comes up on like House Hunters or House Hunters International, or House Hunters Beachfront, or House Hunters, I don't know. Is they're never, the requests are never like how many bedrooms or bathrooms they need.

• 14:44Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 14:45Travis McElroy?

  It's all, so maybe if you throw out like eight weird things that you need and two bathrooms, and then you're willing to let go of the eight weird things, as long as there are two bathrooms.

• 14:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I don't think they let you do that. I think they want, if you're going to be on the show, you gotta have weird stuff. They can't have you be on the show and be like, I take, when my dumps come, they gotta come now. And same for, and same for the misses. So.

• 15:10Travis McElroy?

  I watched the House Hunters recently. I love when they do this. The guy was like, I love a, a wide view. I want to be up high where I could see a lot of stuff. And the wife is like, my main thing I'm looking for is I'm scared of heights and I don't want to be up there at all.

• 15:27Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome.

• 15:27Travis McElroy?

  And they cut to the Realtor. It's like. What do you want this fucking guy to do, man?

• 15:32Travis McElroy?

  What do I do here?

• 15:32Travis McElroy?

  You don't want to be high, she don't want to be low. In the middle, you're both sad, right? There is no, there's no winning for this.

• 15:38Travis McElroy?

  I got you a real sloped house. We're one side of it.

• 15:41Travis McElroy?

  You're real low.

• 15:42Griffin McElroy?

  I got you a one-story ranch style with a big periscope. Big.

• 15:47Travis McElroy?

  I'm always on the, I'm always looking for, you know, the producers trying to work their magic. This does feel like one of those cases where like fear of heights, real. This guy like, I just like to be up high sometimes. I think maybe a producer told you, you feel that way, maybe.

• 16:01Griffin McElroy?

  Go somewhere.

• 16:02Travis McElroy?

  Nobody just like wants to be high a lot.

• 16:04Travis McElroy?

  There was one I saw where a guy's like refusal, like not if it has, was not if it has too many outlets.

• 16:11Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 16:11Travis McElroy?

  Too many outlets?

• 16:12Travis McElroy?

  When has that ever been a problem for anybody?

• 16:15Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking never, man. God damn, I, we've moved a lot of our shit around for our video stuff. And that involved me putting my desk in the center of my office where outlets don't live. I have been absolutely just pipe dreaming it to glory over here for the last week. Just running electricity, just like a county lineman am I? Making it work. I think you should just tell your Realtor that you have IBS. I think there's no stigma. IBS is so non-stigma in my mind at this point, like there's so much other stuff and IBS has been around for so long. It's like, yeah, I'm one of the ones that has irritable bowels.

• 16:53Travis McElroy?

  If you're looking for a fun way to tell your Realtor, bring them a six pack of IBC root beer, but you've marked out the C and you've written in an S.

• 17:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:01Travis McElroy?

  And it's like, I have something I need to tell you, but I think this will explain it all.

• 17:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:05Travis McElroy?

  If you hand it to them and you won't have to say anything.

• 17:08Travis McElroy?

  You, you just need to invent another toilet purpose. Like it doesn't have, you just like, I need one for obvious and one to flush paints.

• 17:16Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:17Travis McElroy?

  When I'm done with paint, I like to flush paints when I'm done with.

• 17:20Travis McElroy?

  We love keeping fish, but we're so bad at keeping fish.

• 17:23Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 17:24Travis McElroy?

  And we need one to be the graveyard toilet.

• 17:27Travis McElroy?

  Cut it out the middle. We raise them in there. We Travis, that would actually save a lot of time, man. If the fish are in the toilet, the fish die flush.

• 17:35Griffin McElroy?

  Flush done.

• 17:36Travis McElroy?

  Done, right?

• 17:37Griffin McElroy?

  My, the misses and I are making a real stinky potion and we need a special cauldron just for that.

• 17:44Travis McElroy?

  Who can afford these wine prices currently in this day and age? Well, I'm gonna make my own.

• 17:49Griffin McElroy?

  You want me to just pour, you want me to pour my stinky potion fixins down the storm drain outside when I'm done with them? No way. I need, I need a fixture for that.

• 18:00Griffin McElroy?

  You all right, Juice?

• 18:03Travis McElroy?

  Yes, sorry. My apple was about to roll off the table. So I looked down to catch it.

• 18:07Griffin McElroy?

  The apple?

• 18:07Travis McElroy?

  And then I looked back.

• 18:08Griffin McElroy?

  Is that how the apple ended up on the floor the first time?

• 18:13Travis McElroy?

  I, Griffin, if I knew, if I had seen the apple fall the first time, I would have picked it up off the floor immediately.

• 18:18Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, I, cause I asked many times.

• 18:20Travis McElroy?

  And he would have discovered gravity.

• 18:22Griffin McElroy?

  It never came back to it, but I asked a few times, why did you have dead ass? An apple on the floor? Like I've got stuff on the floor. I've got a box here. I have an open, there's my controllers on the floor. And like, I've got stuff on the floor. There's, let me check. Zero fresh edible produce. So like.

• 18:39Travis McElroy?

  I had recently dropped it. It had recently. I have a knife on the floor. But I don't know exactly when. I didn't clock it falling exactly, but I had been enjoying it moments before.

• 18:48Griffin McElroy?

  And then it ended up on the floor and then you picked it up off the floor.

• 18:50Travis McElroy?

  I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I realized when I was getting my colonoscopy, I don't wanna be stuck in a hospital bed. I gotta take care of my engine, right? So I'm giving him. An apple? A lot more, a lot more.

• 19:02Griffin McElroy?

  Great person. That's the smallest apple I've ever seen, my man.

• 19:05Travis McElroy?

  You're saying I'm making some big changes this year. One apple during my audio recording window.

• 19:12Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Let me see that. Let me see that bad boy. Beauty blog that shit. Beauty blog that tiny apple.

• 19:18Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, he's taking a couple bites out of that.

• 19:20Griffin McElroy?

  That's, hold it still for me. You can see the exact shit. Justin, that apple is as big exactly as Justin's mouth. One of your bites goes, goes stem to stern on that thing. Nope. Right in it, right in the gob. You spit that out right now, people.

• 19:34Travis McElroy?

  You're Galactus the Apple Eater. That's wild.

• 19:38Griffin McElroy?

  These are cool tricks.

• 19:40Travis McElroy?

  I was gonna hold it. Nope.

• 19:41Griffin McElroy?

  This is what you get with video.

• 19:43Travis McElroy?

  We shouldn't have video.

• 19:44Griffin McElroy?

  We shouldn't have video.

• 19:44Travis McElroy?

  That was the problem. I dropped a goddamn apple again.

• 19:48Travis McElroy?

  And now it's definitely covered in something because it's wet with your mouth goop.

• 19:52Travis McElroy?

  But I'm hungry. Yeah, I won't eat it during podcast though.

• 19:55Travis McElroy?

  That's huge.

• 19:56Travis McElroy?

  Any more. Yeah, I didn't realize this was Schmanner's. Yeah, I thought you're, I didn't realize this turned into Schmanner's all of a sudden tragically. We all have to be so etiquette.

• 20:05Travis McElroy?

  It's like we're on Schmanner's.

• 20:05Travis McElroy?

  Our apples.

• 20:07Travis McElroy?

  Whoa, Griffin.

• 20:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, it feels like we're all on Schmanner's, right, guys?

• 20:11Travis McElroy?

  I promised him two small apples.

• 20:13Travis McElroy?

  Ah, damn it.

• 20:14Travis McElroy?

  No, it's actually, man, somehow we end up with three bags of rockets. I'm just trying to get my kids to eat these tiny apples. I don't know. A few weeks ago, a package for the previous owners of my house showed up on my doorstep. I brought it inside and waited about a week, after which I opened it. When I, I, I opened it, I found a pair of Birkenstock slippers that fit my partner perfectly, so I gifted them to her. A few days after that, a note was slipped through my mail slot by the previous owner, explaining that they mistakenly had an excess present shipped to the wrong address and asking if I would text him to arrange picking up the slippers. Brother, what do I do? A slippery situation in Baltimore.

• 20:47Travis McElroy?

  That's a, boy, that's a slippery situation, indeed. I put this question in because sometimes we get questions where we're like, oh, you fucked up. You have to know you fucked up.

• 21:01Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 21:02Travis McElroy?

  On that, it's the clearest like, what did I do wrong?

• 21:06Travis McElroy?

  A week is not long enough. A week is not long enough.

• 21:09Travis McElroy?

  You know that, right?

• 21:10Travis McElroy?

  Week's not long enough.

• 21:12Travis McElroy?

  It's also mail fraud. Boom, we got you.

• 21:14Travis McElroy?

  Before, before Christmas too, is, there's a few things about the timing here that is hugely sus. I would have definitely, definitely given it until the new year at the very least. You know what? Sometimes people on TikTok mispronounce words intentionally to build engagement because everyone in the comments will be like, hey, you said this wrong. This feels like a cry for help in that same sense, right? Like you, you needed us to step in, like you need, I don't want to be, I, I worry it's a kink. A little bit, it's like, you know what I mean?

• 21:44Travis McElroy?

  You fucked this up so bad.

• 21:45Travis McElroy?

  Get beat up in public. They want to get beat up in public.

• 21:48Travis McElroy?

  One time I opened, I got several huge boxes to my front door. I opened one of them. Inside is, I believe, 10 foam boogie boards.

• 22:01Griffin McElroy?

  Shit.

• 22:02Travis McElroy?

  That I did not order, but had been.

• 22:05Griffin McElroy?

  I remember this.

• 22:06Travis McElroy?

  And maybe the strangest scam ever scammed like on my Amazon, like to my card. I was able to get the charges refunded.

• 22:14Griffin McElroy?

  Deliver to his home though, right?

• 22:16Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, to my home.

• 22:17Griffin McElroy?

  Like you got them.

• 22:18Travis McElroy?

  The perfect crime.

• 22:20Griffin McElroy?

  And I was able to get the charges refunded.

• 22:22Travis McElroy?

  Still sitting in my garage.

• 22:24Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:25Travis McElroy?

  Are three boxes of 10 to 12 foam boogie boards.

• 22:30Griffin McElroy?

  Uh huh.

• 22:30Travis McElroy?

  That I don't know what to do with for fear that one day Amazon will contact me and say.

• 22:37Griffin McElroy?

  Hey.

• 22:37Travis McElroy?

  Hey, we gave you the refund. We do need those back.

• 22:40Griffin McElroy?

  Well, Trav, when the big one comes, I think you'll be glad to have 10 premium boogie boards.

• 22:46Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:47Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, wait.

• 22:47Travis McElroy?

  I mean, 30 to 36. I can't remember the exact count, Griffin.

• 22:51Griffin McElroy?

  That's a lot of fucking.

• 22:51Travis McElroy?

  I have enough for a child's classroom to each get a boogie board.

• 22:55Griffin McElroy?

  Or for some sort of survival bunker, floating survival bunker, the Noah's Ark two boogie down.

• 23:02Travis McElroy?

  Or if robots that only have like Nerf level weapons attack, I've got a bunch of shields going.

• 23:07Griffin McElroy?

  A week's not long enough. We've cut, we've really harped on that. I do want to apologize.

• 23:10Travis McElroy?

  Not long enough. I, I do wanna, I don't wanna, I feel like you kinda made.

• 23:17Travis McElroy?

  Your own bed.

• 23:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yes.

• 23:19Travis McElroy?

  Be our problem.

• 23:20Griffin McElroy?

  But no, we're professional.

• 23:21Travis McElroy?

  But that's not, we're professionals. I know, I know, I know.

• 23:24Griffin McElroy?

  It's so hard because you messed up so bad. It wouldn't be.

• 23:26Travis McElroy?

  Really bad. This is hard on us. Does your partner know how these Birkenstock slippers were? Because one, you're not gonna, you shouldn't take it back and then give them to him. You should get a new pair or something.

• 23:39Griffin McElroy?

  Gotta get a new pair. Oh, damn it. The porch, oh damn it. You know what it was? Them, oh, them damn porch pirates got me again.

• 23:46Travis McElroy?

  I never got it. Now this is a lie.

• 23:48Griffin McElroy?

  These damn porch pirates got me again.

• 23:51Travis McElroy?

  Yard.

• 23:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yard. I never got it. So I don't know what you're talking about. Must've been the Buccaneers.

• 23:56Travis McElroy?

  Now, we do have, if we ever get, um, questioned, we'll flip on you so hard.

• 24:04Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, dude.

• 24:05Travis McElroy?

  The speed at which I will say, yeah, they emailed us. They got the slippers.

• 24:10Griffin McElroy?

  That should be.

• 24:11Travis McElroy?

  We've been doing ads for stamps.com for so long. We're basically mandatory reporters when it comes to postal fraud. So. There's very little fraud I care about. But it's postal fraud and frog fraud.

• 24:25Griffin McElroy?

  I think you gotta replace the thing and then get and then give it to them. But God, that's a that's stressful because are you gonna get the exact right one?

• 24:35Travis McElroy?

  Also, can I tell you something else? You can't get that packaging back. You're you can't.

• 24:43Travis McElroy?

  You have to go to, okay, you know what you have to do? You have to go to Amazon. You have to buy these for that person.

• 24:51Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 24:52Travis McElroy?

  Right? And then have them shipped to your to that former address, right? That's the only positive. That's the only way out.

• 24:59Travis McElroy?

  And you better pray you can get it there quickly because if those damn things are on back order, it's gonna be two to three weeks. You're gonna have to come up with a pretty hefty lie as to why you haven't found them yet.

• 25:10Griffin McElroy?

  Dude, I'd love to help you out. It got Grinch'd. He did. He's really, he came, he got us good, dude.

• 25:16Travis McElroy?

  Your shit, my shit. I'm on his trail and I think I'll catch up to him in two to three weeks.

• 25:21Griffin McElroy?

  Your Christmas tree is still up right there. Yeah, it's weird. He only, he only, he only wants shoes. He's a fucking, he's nasty and weird. So he wanted only the shoes.

• 25:30Travis McElroy?

  Hey, uh, let's take a quick break and we're gonna head on into the money zone.

• 25:43Travis McElroy?

  I had an idea for a new kind of direction with the money zone.

• 25:48Griffin McElroy?

  Oh.

• 25:48Travis McElroy?

  That I wanted to try. I thought we could do like an altar call.

• 25:52Griffin McElroy?

  Oh.

• 25:53Travis McElroy?

  Where you guys give me some quiet, like amazing grace in the background.

• 25:57Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. I could get like, yeah, I let me get GarageBand open on my phone while you start the copy points.

• 26:08Travis McElroy?

  Now, hey, everybody, I know we've had a lot of fun here today and a lot of you guys have already come to Squarespace and accepted your, your trial with Squarespace. You've tried Squarespace out, but I just feel, I feel like out there, there's still some people. Uh, and you know, you're thinking about it. You know what I mean? It's in your hearts, but you're not sure. And listen, yes, Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. We know that.

• 26:35Griffin McElroy?

  Shit.

• 26:35Travis McElroy?

  You get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments and in your heart.

• 26:39Griffin McElroy?

  Griffin's almost ready for you to start.

• 26:41Travis McElroy?

  You want, I'm almost there. I just, I can't figure out how to change this.

• 26:44Travis McElroy?

  Nope.

• 26:44Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, you get it. When you, okay. And plus, you could streamline your workflow.

• 26:48Travis McElroy?

  I thought you said your piano was like within reach now.

• 26:50Travis McElroy?

  With bills and appointment scheduling, email marketing tools. And it's calling to you.

• 26:55Travis McElroy?

  Holy shit.

• 26:56Travis McElroy?

  I understand. So we're just gonna do a couple more, couple more stanzas here. To give you a chance to consider their cutting edge designs, their award winning templates. Everything you need. Um, you know, I accepted.

• 27:14Travis McElroy?

  Grimmin is thoughtfully changing the melody enough so we don't get auto matched by the bots. He's like mixing it up a little bit.

• 27:21Travis McElroy?

  And you know, Squarespace has done so much for us, so much for me.

• 27:24Travis McElroy?

  So much.

• 27:25Travis McElroy?

  Changed my life. Squarespace has been there for me and I know that you're ready for Squarespace to be there for you, to set you up with that website you need.

• 27:33Travis McElroy?

  Give them the offer code.

• 27:34Travis McElroy?

  All right, we're gonna say it one last time. Head to Squarespace.com slash mybrother for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code MYBROTHER, all one word, to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Amen.

• 27:51Travis McElroy?

  Griffin has gone fully Frampton Comes Alive over there.

• 27:55Travis McElroy?

  Wow.

• 27:58Griffin McElroy?

  That's pretty cool.

• 28:01Travis McElroy?

  And I think we should just do that from now on.

• 28:03Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that felt good. Let's see. Squarespace, did you like that? You never tell us.

• 28:08Travis McElroy?

  Look at us, senpai.

• 28:09Travis McElroy?

  Senpai, look at us.

• 28:11Travis McElroy?

  Senpai.

• 28:12Travis McElroy?

  Just tell us if you're listening, Squarespace. Send us a message.

• 28:16Travis McElroy?

  The checks are still clearing, so something's gotta be working.

• 28:22Travis McElroy?

  Respect me.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where Black People Love Paramore comes in. We're a pop culture podcast taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo, to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint, she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited. No matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.

• 29:09Speaker 05

  Hello.

• 29:09Speaker 06

  Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

• 29:12Speaker 05

  No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye.

• 29:14Speaker 06

  It's a multi-award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long.

• 29:19Speaker 05

  I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old, she's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic wants, I don't want that to carry you home again, do I?

• 29:38Speaker 06

  Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast.

• 29:39Speaker 05

  Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

• 29:45Speaker 06

  Simply go to MaximumFun.org.

• 29:48Speaker 05

  I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat!

• 29:53Travis McElroy?

  Cool! Alright!

• 30:01Travis McElroy?

  I want a more squad!

• 30:06Travis McElroy?

  I want to more squad!

• 30:11Travis McElroy?

  Welcome to Bud Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast profile of the latest in eating. There's a ton going on right now in the world of food and fast eating. I want to tell you guys though, I'm excited about Jenny's launching an ice cream collaboration with Bridgerton.

• 30:32Griffin McElroy?

  Oh.

• 30:32Travis McElroy?

  That's right, Bridgerton Ice Cream. The partnership, the collaboration that everyone has been waiting for, for many, many years since Bridgerton was extremely popular.

• 30:46Travis McElroy?

  Now, I've seen every episode of Bridgerton in existence. I think I'm the only person to have done that.

• 30:51Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, and they're still making it, Trav, for you, I assume.

• 30:55Travis McElroy?

  I can't wait for the Benedict season, are you kidding me? He's my favorite. Second brother, bit of just like a rascallian out there living his life, doing his art and whatever. I'm so excited. Are you kidding me?

• 31:06Griffin McElroy?

  I can't watch Bridgerton without eating ice cream.

• 31:10Travis McElroy?

  Well, Trav, they're going to capture the decadence of the Regency era and popular Netflix and Shawna Land series with these two iced creams.

• 31:18Griffin McElroy?

  Gout flavor.

• 31:20Travis McElroy?

  Making, making its first appearance on 15th of January is Queen Charlotte Sponge Cake Ice Cream. Royals have been immortalized in confections and Queen Charlotte Sponge Cake is Jenny's tribute to the fashionable and discerning monarch of the town. It is a brown sugar and almond buttercream ice cream filled with raspberry rose jam and honey sponge cake. I'm just gonna say Queen Charlotte, not really a important figure in the books. I don't know if she's present in the books at all. Was wholly made up as a character. I mean, not made up. She was an existing person, but you know what I mean, added for the TV show. So we either they went that direction, kind of a snub to the literary folk.

• 31:58Griffin McElroy?

  Is, is Bridgerton just sort of period piece entourage?

• 32:04Griffin McElroy?

  Discuss.

• 32:06Travis McElroy?

  Uh, yeah. It's a period piece OC in a lot of ways.

• 32:11Griffin McElroy?

  Don't you fucking don't try to.

• 32:11Travis McElroy?

  I don't say that because that sounds extremely good. It is, it's fun. It's a fun show that makes people fun.

• 32:18Travis McElroy?

  I watched, I watched it at the beginning, Bridgerton, and then there was an entire episode that hung on a young lady being surprised by the idea of jizz and not understanding the mysteries of jizz. The, the, if you will, as Cindy and I have begun to refer to it, the secret of the ooze. And when she discovered the secret of the ooze, I was kind of dealt with Bridgerton writ large.

• 32:43Travis McElroy?

  I watched Bridgerton. Was it like to have hardened your heart that much, Justin? It's fun. It's innocent, but still sexy. And fun and sexy and innocent and fun and sexy.

• 32:53Griffin McElroy?

  I was watching Bridgerton, but it lost me. That episode where a smoke monster came out of that lady's privates and killed a guy.

• 33:00Travis McElroy?

  Oh.

• 33:02Griffin McElroy?

  I said, I said, check please.

• 33:06Travis McElroy?

  Actually, I was gonna say that was lost, but I don't know what that was that you were watching, Griffin.

• 33:12Griffin McElroy?

  It was Bridgerton, season one, when the smoke monster comes out of.

• 33:17Travis McElroy?

  Was it a fan made thing?

• 33:19Griffin McElroy?

  No, it's like a pretty important plot point. Like the guy who got killed is like a big, big character and I was upset.

• 33:25Travis McElroy?

  What was his name?

• 33:27Griffin McElroy?

  Renly Baratheon?

• 33:32Travis McElroy?

  I think it was Cowboy Curtis. I might be was.

• 33:35Travis McElroy?

  No, they were together. So they, they, yeah, they could turn into one another at will.

• 33:39Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Okay. Uh, for the second release, they're doing an Earl Grey creme brulee ice cream. Cool. Which is fun to say. Hell yeah, it is. Yeah. Wrapping the favorite tea blend enjoyed by the ton in.

• 33:51Travis McElroy?

  What character is that in? Yeah, the time, that's like the aristocrats of the like, uh, high society.

• 34:00Travis McElroy?

  Um, here's the thing.

• 34:01Travis McElroy?

  Hey, what characters are they based on? That's just tea, you know, tea. They're like tea.

• 34:06Travis McElroy?

  This is an interesting twist Jenny's has done. They've given us a, it's like a quote, but they haven't sourced it to anybody, if that makes sense. This is the next last paragraph in this.

• 34:15Travis McElroy?

  It was me.

• 34:16Travis McElroy?

  For this collaboration, Jenny's was inspired by the fantastical decadence of the Regency era, brought to life in the scenes of Bridgerton. It was essential that the flavors feel like an extension of the essence of the show, romantic, indulgent and captivating. Ice creams that would linger long after they were gone and to which you cannot wait to return, whether you're a Bridgerton fan or not.

• 34:39Travis McElroy?

  I mean, probably the if you're a Bridgerton fan one, right?

• 34:43Travis McElroy?

  Probably that though, right? Probably that one would be what you would stick with more.

• 34:47Travis McElroy?

  That quote was actually from Jonathan Bailey, star of Bridgerton. He, he's a big champion of this ice cream Bridgerton crossover. He's been pushing for it for years now in all of his interviews.

• 35:01Travis McElroy?

  Uh, I also wanted, this is more of a, an alert. I did one letter, we know that, uh, Subway is doing protein pockets. All right. What's that mean? Yeah, you can, yeah, you can think it, they're protein pockets. They're packed with 20 grams, more than 20 grams of protein in these little tortillas. And, uh, here's the quote about it. Cause, uh, Dave Skenna is up in the mix. Okay. Getting more protein in their diet is important to so many people, but too often that protein is expensive or fried. I like that part cause that's Subway saying like, what isn't our food? Like they're trying to go like, one of the two things, what isn't us? Wait, has Dave Skenna? It's not expensive. Has Dave Skenna always been at Subway?

• 35:45Travis McElroy?

  No, he used to be.

• 35:46Travis McElroy?

  He moved.

• 35:46Travis McElroy?

  Donuts.

• 35:47Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 35:49Travis McElroy?

  Good for him.

• 35:49Travis McElroy?

  Dave Skinner, yes, yeah, he relocated.

• 35:52Travis McElroy?

  Can I?

• 35:52Travis McElroy?

  He used to be with Krispy Kreme, now he's with Subway.

• 35:54Travis McElroy?

  Justin, I want to tell you what's bothering you.

• 35:55Travis McElroy?

  I've never read about Dave Skinner before, so I was not aware of Dave Skinner.

• 35:59Travis McElroy?

  So far in this alert, they have not specified what the protein is in a way that makes me wildly uncomfortable from a company known for questionable ingredients in one of their sandwiches.

• 36:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, they've run. Baja chicken, peppercorn ranch chicken, Italian trio, and turkey and ham. Getting more protein in your diet is, huh, turkey and ham, turkey and ham, turkey and ham.

• 36:28Travis McElroy?

  Turkey and ham.

• 36:29Travis McElroy?

  Often that protein is expensive or fried. With Subway's new Protein Pocket, they can get over 20 grams of protein for $3.99 without sacrificing taste. And with our new sub of the day lineup, yeah, or your child.

• 36:41Travis McElroy?

  You don't have to sacrifice anything.

• 36:43Travis McElroy?

  Anything, no sacrifice. This is a Subway.

• 36:45Travis McElroy?

  You have to sacrifice $4.99 at the altar.

• 36:47Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 36:48Travis McElroy?

  Oh, also, we're replacing all of our point of sales with altars. So that's gonna be, that might throw you off a little bit.

• 36:55Travis McElroy?

  And we're, we're now only accepting Zelle and blood magic. Those are the only two currencies.

• 37:04Travis McElroy?

  Zenny, Zelle, or blood magic, or ass, or grass, or cash. Nobody eats Subway for free. I've been a manager for around a year now in the chemistry lab I work in. In one of the recent meetings with the rest of the management team, I happened to glance over at the laptop of a person sitting next to me and saw that they were in a team chat titled, "Young Hip Managers." I would like to think I'm reasonably hip. I'm also the youngest manager in the building. What can I do to subtly imply that I'm cool enough to be invited to the secret group chat? That's from young but not hip enough in Ann Arbor. Oh, that's tough. That's a tough one.

• 37:43Travis McElroy?

  Nobody wants to think they're not young and cool and hip.

• 37:47Travis McElroy?

  See, this is difficult because for me, I both know that I am neither young enough nor hip enough to be in a group chat that seems to be living by those ideals.

• 37:59Travis McElroy?

  But if it was like a strong, strong guys, like you saw a chat, it was like, strong guys, right? You're like, you look over and you're like, hey, wait, I'm a strong guy.

• 38:07Travis McElroy?

  If it was a strong guy, purple hair.

• 38:09Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 38:10Travis McElroy?

  And I'd be like, I definitely have purple hair.

• 38:12Travis McElroy?

  If it said that, you've been Truman showed and you need to stop because that's gone too far, right? That's it. So they're doing a prank on you.

• 38:20Griffin McElroy?

  But then, but then you look over and someone's got, they're on a thread called limp dick idiots. And you're like, I'm glad I'm not in that.

• 38:29Travis McElroy?

  You know, count your blessings.

• 38:31Griffin McElroy?

  Count your blessings. Cool. Awesome. I'm unjealous.

• 38:35Travis McElroy?

  Maybe it's ironic. Maybe they, it's like, they, they're kind of like the old boring managers.

• 38:40Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 38:41Travis McElroy?

  But they want, so they're like.

• 38:43Griffin McElroy?

  The level of self-awareness there.

• 38:44Travis McElroy?

  Like a winky sort of like, we're the ones that suck.

• 38:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 38:48Travis McElroy?

  We're old.

• 38:48Travis McElroy?

  Can I get in that? You don't want in this.

• 38:51Griffin McElroy?

  It's, they're so old.

• 38:53Travis McElroy?

  We're actually doing it. You don't understand. You don't want in this.

• 38:57Griffin McElroy?

  I struggle with a part of this question, which is that, you know, you're not a part of this group chat. And when you share that information with us, you say, I happen to glance over at the laptop of the person sitting next to me. That suggests maybe you don't know who that person was and therefore, why would you be in a group? Why would you be in a group chat with them?

• 39:19Travis McElroy?

  Well, because all the young hip managers are planning young hip manager things.

• 39:24Griffin McElroy?

  I guess so.

• 39:26Travis McElroy?

  Maybe, maybe, maybe it's fantasy football managers and it has nothing to do with work.

• 39:33Griffin McElroy?

  Yep.

• 39:34Travis McElroy?

  Oh, that's, isn't that tricky when you find yourself in a fantasy football chat? It happened over the holidays a couple of times. I realized two to three people around me were talking about fantasy football. And then if I stood there for long, long enough, they were going to ask me to join or they might just sign me up. I don't know how you get in fantasy football. It keeps happening to me.

• 39:52Griffin McElroy?

  Me neither, man.

• 39:53Travis McElroy?

  Uh, I, I keep ending up in these leagues and I don't know how it happens. So I try to be really careful about everything I do from now on, whenever football comes.

• 39:59Griffin McElroy?

  For me, it's like.

• 40:00Travis McElroy?

  I don't know how I keep contracting fantasy football.

• 40:02Griffin McElroy?

  For me, it's I keep getting group texts and I get messages from people whose numbers are not saved to my phone. And they'll say shit like, Carter's looking pretty good this year. And then an hour later I am invited, I'm in a fantasy football league somehow.

• 40:13Travis McElroy?

  Oh, man.

• 40:14Travis McElroy?

  It's one of the earliest signs. You know, if you can get to it quickly, you could actually reverse all the, uh, the symptoms.

• 40:20Griffin McElroy?

  It's too late.

• 40:21Travis McElroy?

  Time lost is time lost.

• 40:22Griffin McElroy?

  It's too late.

• 40:27Griffin McElroy?

  Can you do? Is there something you can do at your chemistry lab that would be fucking cool? Can you like spin a flask? Or like?

• 40:34Travis McElroy?

  Oh yeah. Vape some chemistry fumes.

• 40:37Griffin McElroy?

  Light your vape on a Bunsen burner and people will be like, that's, you shouldn't, that shouldn't be on fire at all, my man.

• 40:44Travis McElroy?

  You're out.

• 40:44Travis McElroy?

  Get out of here.

• 40:45Travis McElroy?

  First strike, you're out. That's so stupid. Don't do that. Yeah. I, I don't know that I've ever been added to a group chat and been excited to be like, there's some where I'm like, yeah, okay. I'm happy to be here. This is fine. The idea of wanting to be added to a group chat that you were living your life perfectly fine not being a part of before, unless you're just like, it's not about the group chat. I don't want to be in the group chat. I would immediately mute it.

• 41:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 41:10Travis McElroy?

  But why aren't I a part of it?

• 41:11Griffin McElroy?

  If I'm talking to two of my friends and I'm like, you guys remember the movie Dunston Checks In? And then the next day, one of them has invited me to a group chat called Dunston Lovers. It's like, this didn't need to be a, we didn't need to silo this particular conversation off. This could be part of it.

• 41:25Travis McElroy?

  Also, why is it on the dark web?

• 41:26Griffin McElroy?

  Why is Dunston?

• 41:27Travis McElroy?

  Why are there so many layers of security on Dunston lovers?

• 41:31Travis McElroy?

  What's going on with this lab that we need so many goddamn managers anyway, man?

• 41:37Travis McElroy?

  What, what is at this lab that we just stratification of management? It's a chemistry lab.

• 41:42Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 41:42Travis McElroy?

  Is the person sitting next to you even a manager? Maybe there's a group chat to talk about how cool and hip their young managers are. They're in there talking about how great you are. That's why you're not in it.

• 41:51Travis McElroy?

  Tiger, it's like an issue of Tiger Beat about young managers. Like who, which manager has the dreamiest eyes?

• 41:57Griffin McElroy?

  Maybe.

• 41:58Travis McElroy?

  It's Punjab. We love him.

• 41:59Travis McElroy?

  Maybe they're chatting.

• 42:00Travis McElroy?

  It's hugely problematic, of course.

• 42:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Maybe they're chatting with their physical therapist for a pelvic injury that they suffered. And then, and so now they're, they have to learn from their young hip manager. That's not any, that's not anything.

• 42:14Travis McElroy?

  That might've been it, Griffin. You don't know. Maybe they're organizing, um, snacks by brand and it actually said young chip managers and you just misread it.

• 42:25Griffin McElroy?

  Could be, could be. There's any number of reasons why you wouldn't be involved in a group chat that don't involve you not knowing the people in the group chat.

• 42:33Travis McElroy?

  But if you started wearing a backwards baseball cap and you made people, like you made people ask. And when they did ask, you say, I saw. Shit, no, you can't because you can't be like, I was looking at a, there's nothing less hip than looking at a neighbor's laptop. I mean,

• 42:51Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that's a bad start.

• 42:52Travis McElroy?

  It's just not hip. It wasn't hip that you looked and you can't say like, I saw it because it's like so nigh hip.

• 42:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 42:58Travis McElroy?

  You, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go to these other managers and you're gonna say, I'm thinking about starting a group chat for us young hip managers.

• 43:07Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, yikes.

• 43:07Travis McElroy?

  Would you guys be interested in that?

• 43:09Griffin McElroy?

  Say the exact, you know, you gotta change it a little bit.

• 43:11Travis McElroy?

  No, yeah, no, I heard it out loud. Yeah.

• 43:15Travis McElroy?

  Well, I'm starting a group chat for us youthful, sexy, cool, crazy sexy, cool managers.

• 43:21Griffin McElroy?

  I, I think it's gotta be more organic. I think you gotta do cool experiments. I think you gotta show up next day, make an elephant toothpaste, point at it, point at everyone else, point at it again, like you check my, hey, check it. Mark Robert.

• 43:33Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, start like a robot fight club.

• 43:35Griffin McElroy?

  Start a robot fight club in your chemistry. We're getting a little bit far from the, the exact.

• 43:40Travis McElroy?

  Well, no, you wouldn't want to do it. That's separate from work, Griffin. Work still needs to happen. You know, manager is still a part of the young hip managers, Griffin.

• 43:50Griffin McElroy?

  No, yeah, I know, but this is specifically at work and so I don't know.

• 43:53Travis McElroy?

  Is this like, are they getting paid to manage it? Is it like the safety patrol? Like what is with all these managers?

• 44:01Griffin McElroy?

  Maybe it's like a team, like an equipment manager where they're, they're like making sure that everybody has all the chemicals and powders and reagents that they need access to.

• 44:09Travis McElroy?

  I want to, I want to highlight one detail in this that I've just noticed. It, it, I, in one of the recent meetings with the rest of the management team is when this happened. You got some really, I think it is hugely, hugely rude to be in a meeting of other managers and be in your young hip managers chat. That is cruel because you know that mar, that room, someone's gonna see. Like if you're trying to keep it secret, what is wrong with you?

• 44:38Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. Are you sure there were other people in this group chat with this person and not just them talking to themselves about how young and hip and cool they are?

• 44:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, right.

• 44:49Travis McElroy?

  Another question?

• 44:51Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 44:52Travis McElroy?

  We've been in the house we're renting for five years. Four years ago, I had a baby and I didn't tell my landlord.

• 44:56Griffin McElroy?

  It's a boy.

• 44:57Travis McElroy?

  When lease renewal came, I didn't want to tell them we had a whole extra person in the house we never mentioned. Now we're looking for a bigger place and our landlord has a great place in the exact area we want to live. How do we introduce our four year old without it being weird? That's from not kidding around.

• 45:14Travis McElroy?

  So many great, great options.

• 45:17Griffin McElroy?

  So many ways to pretend like the you just kind of added a four year old to the squad.

• 45:23Travis McElroy?

  I would like to posit us. Can we do it without accidentally tiptoeing into gaslighting?

• 45:29Griffin McElroy?

  No, I mean, I'll tear our hair. We could, it'll tie our hands behind our back in a major way. Are we worried about like doing bad stuff to a landlord? No. Gaslighting is obviously not great, but to a landlord? Landlord?

• 45:43Travis McElroy?

  I mean, I hear. What if he just says, say, this is my short uncle?

• 45:50Griffin McElroy?

  Cool.

• 45:52Travis McElroy?

  I'm just saying.

• 45:52Griffin McElroy?

  No, I love it. Keep building on that.

• 45:54Travis McElroy?

  This is my short uncle.

• 45:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 45:55Travis McElroy?

  He's not huge on English yet.

• 45:58Griffin McElroy?

  Mm hmm.

• 45:59Travis McElroy?

  He is my uncle and I am taking care of him.

• 46:04Griffin McElroy?

  Mm hmm.

• 46:04Travis McElroy?

  From his Benjamin Button disease. I would like very much.

• 46:08Griffin McElroy?

  That doesn't make any sense.

• 46:09Travis McElroy?

  Questions about that.

• 46:11Griffin McElroy?

  Benjamin Benjamin Button is not about a very short man who aged the normal way and was four at four.

• 46:20Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 46:21Griffin McElroy?

  Right?

• 46:22Travis McElroy?

  You'd be dealing with, if my math is correct, like a 96 year old four year old. You guys, what did, did we not say? Basic competent stage makeup assumed.

• 46:32Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 46:33Travis McElroy?

  Like that's assumed.

• 46:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:34Travis McElroy?

  Assumed.

• 46:36Griffin McElroy?

  Um, I think short uncle's really promising. Who is that? You also be surprised that the four year old is there. Why do you got?

• 46:42Travis McElroy?

  Oh, God, what?

• 46:45Griffin McElroy?

  Why do you need to introduce your four year old? Why not keep the con going? Why not keep the con rolling? You do not need to own up to this.

• 46:53Travis McElroy?

  The longer you go, the funnier it is.

• 46:55Griffin McElroy?

  Uh huh.

• 46:55Travis McElroy?

  Like, if you can make it to 10, that's quite a prestige, I gotta say.

• 47:00Griffin McElroy?

  10, they're not gonna.

• 47:01Travis McElroy?

  You know, you know, James.

• 47:03Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 47:03Travis McElroy?

  What are you talking? How did you miss the fact that we had a son for this long? He's a congressman.

• 47:11Travis McElroy?

  It's been around for a while is what I'm saying at that.

• 47:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, sure. I understand. Okay.

• 47:17Travis McElroy?

  There's always a trench coat. You can always.

• 47:19Griffin McElroy?

  Sure.

• 47:21Travis McElroy?

  Can always stand on the kids' shoulders and then wear a big trench.

• 47:23Griffin McElroy?

  Stand on the kids. Well, it sounds like if.

• 47:25Travis McElroy?

  You can always stand on the kids' shoulders, then wear a big trench coat, pretend to be one person, one taller person than you told you the landlord, I got taller over the summer. I got the surgery to make you taller, but I'm wearing the trench coat to cover up the scars.

• 47:35Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 47:36Travis McElroy?

  You could, uh, now I've never seen The Odd Life of Timothy Green, but I've heard people talk about it. Say you grew him.

• 47:43Griffin McElroy?

  Is that the one with Lin-Manuel Miranda?

• 47:46Travis McElroy?

  Is it? I think it's Jennifer Garner in it. You grew him.

• 47:50Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 47:51Travis McElroy?

  You planted a boy, you grew him.

• 47:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 47:54Travis McElroy?

  He grew up. He's only like three days old. Uh, you got good soil. You grew a boy.

• 48:02Travis McElroy?

  You grew him.

• 48:03Griffin McElroy?

  Do you get charged more for a lease when you have a child living there too?

• 48:11Travis McElroy?

  Are you, oh, maybe it's more of a social situation of it's embarrassing. You didn't introduce them and now it's gone on so long.

• 48:18Travis McElroy?

  You didn't know where to bring it up. I think that that's, that's reasonable. And now it's like, it's weird. Yeah, I get it. I think it's fine. Trench coat. One trench coat.

• 48:27Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, trench coat's okay. Can we, can, is there any wiggle room in the stacking order? Cause I think that putting an adult on top of the four-year-old shoulders.

• 48:36Travis McElroy?

  Griffin, I know what you're saying, dude. I know.

• 48:38Griffin McElroy?

  But the alternative is, I know it's a four-year-old's head and arms coming out of the huge giant body.

• 48:42Travis McElroy?

  It's, it was almost enough to make me consign that idea to the dustmen of history and not say it.

• 48:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 48:48Travis McElroy?

  Because both options, both permutations of it are illogical and bad.

• 48:52Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 48:53Travis McElroy?

  But it had already left the gate.

• 48:54Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 48:55Travis McElroy?

  You know what I mean? So I just had to back the horse.

• 48:56Travis McElroy?

  Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. What about this?

• 48:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 48:58Travis McElroy?

  This is my child's security guard. I've been threatened by a lot of children in the neighborhood lately and I can't get adults to beat up those children.

• 49:07Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 49:07Travis McElroy?

  So I hired this child as a bodyguard.

• 49:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yes.

• 49:10Travis McElroy?

  To beat up other children for me.

• 49:11Griffin McElroy?

  A reverse Drillbit Taylor Benjamin Button situation.

• 49:14Travis McElroy?

  Yes. Drillbit Taylor Jr., where he licenses his son out as.

• 49:20Travis McElroy?

  Drillbit Button.

• 49:21Griffin McElroy?

  Where he hires kid, a kid, a strong kid to kick bully kids asses? That feels borderline criminal.

• 49:34Travis McElroy?

  When he's like 95, he's like, he needs protection because he, and he hires a kid to protect him like a strong kid.

• 49:42Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I just, I'm 95. I just started playing Fortnite. I'm getting absolutely fucking shit on. I need to hire the coolest 14 year old at the high school to be my Fortnite drill bit Taylor.

• 49:56Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 49:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yes. Make it Hollywood Fortnite. I know you guys are doing all kinds of media stuff. This is, this one's free.

• 50:04Travis McElroy?

  This is Splash Jug Taylor.

• 50:06Griffin McElroy?

  Yes, Splash Jug Taylor. It's not going to get any better than that.

• 50:10Travis McElroy?

  Thank you so much for listening to our, our podcast, My Brother, My Brother and Me. It's this one, the one you're enjoying. You just enjoyed.

• 50:18Travis McElroy?

  A couple of quick announcers before we wrap up, folks.

• 50:21Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 50:21Travis McElroy?

  Um, Clubhouse will return January 27th at noon Eastern time. Uh, we're going to be streaming on the last Tuesday of each month from now on.

• 50:30Travis McElroy?

  But Travis, what are we going to be doing all the other Tuesdays?

• 50:33Travis McElroy?

  Man, I'm so glad you asked, Justin, because it was the next thing in the bullet point. That we're doing a Super McRoy Brothers video game stream, uh, next Tuesday, January 20th at noon Eastern time. Uh, it's going to stream all the other Tuesdays, plus a bunch of other video game content on our YouTube, all under the McRoy Entertainment System umbrella. So make sure you check that out. Also, we got some merch.

• 50:56Travis McElroy?

  At McRoy Entertainment System on Instagram.

• 50:59Travis McElroy?

  Yes, good call. Uh, we've got some merch over in the McRoy merch store. Uh, Bestie's tiebreaker coin featuring the one and only New York Giraffe. And 10% of all merch proceeds this month will be donated to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center. Uh, so make sure you check that out at McRoyMerch.com.

• 51:15Griffin McElroy?

  And now for the.

• 51:16Travis McElroy?

  My name's Justin McRoy.

• 51:19Travis McElroy?

  We gotta thank.

• 51:20Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you, Montanez, for the theme song, My Life Is Better With You. Uh, it's, it's a fantastic track and the fact that I'm like terrified that I don't know what's going to happen next doesn't detract from the fact that I'm just a huge, uh, big fan of it.

• 51:33Travis McElroy?

  I was thinking, so for the ending, that Griffin could give us like a little motivational speeches, the big boy, um, ask him for the heater, just to kind of establish a tone, like Griffin, like a sick Victorian child anyways.

• 51:47Griffin McElroy?

  I was thinking I would pick something up off my desk and throw it at the wall as hard as I possibly could. And just like the sound of that.

• 51:55Travis McElroy?

  Hey Griffin, that's, okay.

• 51:57Griffin McElroy?

  Do you like that?

• 51:58Travis McElroy?

  The end of every episode this year will be one of us throwing something at a wall to see if it sticks.

• 52:06Griffin McElroy?

  I got the mic against the wall now, so this is my.

• 52:08Travis McElroy?

  Don't throw the mic, dude.

• 52:09Griffin McElroy?

  I'll use my lens cap. Here's my lens cap.

• 52:12Travis McElroy?

  Make it sick.

• 52:12Griffin McElroy?

  I won't be able to hear. I gotta take my headphones off, cause I'm gonna go around. I'm gonna go behind the desk and just absolutely, absolutely hum this fucking thing.

• 52:19Travis McElroy?

  Okay dude.

• 52:19Griffin McElroy?

  Absolutely buzz it.

• 52:20Travis McElroy?

  Sick, man. Sick. This is good. This is good podcast.

• 52:24Travis McElroy?

  I like this energy.

• 52:29Travis McElroy?

  My name is Justin McElroy.

• 52:31Travis McElroy?

  I'm Travis McElroy.

• 52:33Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, that was good. I'm Travis McElroy.

• 52:36Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McElroy.

• 52:37Travis McElroy?

  That works so much better than I.

• 52:39Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 52:40Travis McElroy?

  Kiss your dad's sore on the lips.

• 52:44Travis McElroy?

  Lens cap.

• 52:47Travis McElroy?

  This is good. This is good.

• 53:19Speaker 04

  Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.