MBMBaM 817: Shabby Dabby Doug

Something deep within us compels us to answer your questions, and it's not just because we have to renew our copyrights to our own likenesses every week. So we're blasting out advice about ice cream, clockwork men, and oh-so-many insects. Suggseted talking points: Wheelin and Dealin in Hollyweird, 1000 Bugs Never Eaten, Justin Robbins, Fill Your Life with Quiet Whispering Men Dyson Hand Dryer of a Ride, Dr Zaleus Died Before He Could Give Me a Soul Lamda Legal: https://lambdalegal.org/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?

• 0:20Speaker 01

  One, two, three, four. It's the start of something beautiful. A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's rapid into a precious friendship. I could have never seen what was coming for me. Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach. My life, it feels like. Life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. My life, ah, it's better, it's better with you. This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with you.

• 1:03Speaker 01

  My life, ah, it's better with you.

• 1:09Travis McElroy?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. What's up, Trav Nation? I'm your middle brother Travis, big dog, wolf, vroom, vroom, the heater, award-winning big dog McElroy.

• 1:23Griffin McElroy?

  Good morning, Trav Nation. It's me, your sweet baby brother, 30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin built for tough McElroy. We don't do that one anymore.

• 1:30Travis McElroy?

  You know, boys, sometimes the internet, you're not gonna believe this, lies to you.

• 1:35Griffin McElroy?

  Never to me, but...

• 1:36Travis McElroy?

  And people will make bold claims and you'll hear a story and you're like, there's no fucking way that's true.

• 1:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, that is true. Every time I load up a website of a certain caliber, there's always a little ad to this site that's like, Melissa McCarthy died. And I'm like, what? I click on it every fucking time, but it's never true. They just want me to buy...

• 1:53Travis McElroy?

  It's a different Melissa McCarthy. It's like a 106-year-old woman.

• 1:56Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 1:57Travis McElroy?

  Named Melissa. Well, so I had a story served to me on a platter and I was like, there's no way that's true. And then I did my own independent journalistic research and discovered it was true. And I would like to relate this...

• 2:09Griffin McElroy?

  You should get on Nexus, Lexus?

• 2:11Travis McElroy?

  I was on Nexus. I was going through the microfilm.

• 2:13Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, dude.

• 2:14Travis McElroy?

  I was at the library scrolling through. Boys, the year is 1985.

• 2:19Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 2:20Travis McElroy?

  The only thing bigger than the Hollywood dreams are the piles of cocaine fueling those dreams.

• 2:25Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 2:26Travis McElroy?

  Warren Beatty...

• 2:28Travis McElroy?

  Must make a Dick Tracy movie. He is driven. There's something within him that says, make a Dick Tracy movie.

• 2:38Griffin McElroy?

  I thought it was like he was, he was in deep.

• 2:41Travis McElroy?

  No, no, no.

• 2:42Griffin McElroy?

  Dick, the Dick Tracy estate and had to, or else he'd be, his family would be killed.

• 2:46Travis McElroy?

  For some reason, this was a passion project of Warren Beatty's.

• 2:49Griffin McElroy?

  Well, he looks so much like goddamn Dick Tracy, doesn't he? He looks exactly like fucking Dick Tracy. If you look that much like Dick Tracy, you would also be stoked to get Dick Tracy off the ground.

• 2:57Travis McElroy?

  He cannot find anyone to direct it. He's gonna direct it himself. Right? And star in it and produce it. He buys the film and television rights from Tribune Media, who owns Dick Tracy for $3 million.

• 3:13Griffin McElroy?

  That's a lot. Let me, let me adjust that for inflation. 17 billion dollars today.

• 3:17Travis McElroy?

  Whoa, Griffin.

• 3:18Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 3:20Travis McElroy?

  Disney partners with Warren Beatty to make the movie. Okay. They are talking franchise. Disney's excited about this. This is gonna become a film series. Then, as they're making the movie, the budget keeps creeping on up there. Get more and more and more and more expensive. And Disney's like, yeah.

• 3:39Griffin McElroy?

  Success of, uh, uh, Tim Burton's Batman, I think there was some, something of a blank check being given to old Mr. Tracy.

• 3:46Travis McElroy?

  Oh, I've talked about it before. The Phantom, the Shadow, Dick Tracy, the Rocketeer.

• 3:51Griffin McElroy?

  It's all connected. It's all tied together on our comedy podcast.

• 3:54Travis McElroy?

  Movie comes out, it does okay. 134 million. At that point in 1990.

• 4:00Griffin McElroy?

  Let me adjust.

• 4:02Travis McElroy?

  Adjust again.

• 4:02Griffin McElroy?

  That's 19 and a half billion dollars.

• 4:05Travis McElroy?

  Hotchimunchy. 2009.

• 4:07Griffin McElroy?

  You would think because that number was so much more than 3 million, that the resulting tran- like, translation number would be much higher. That's not how this money stuff works.

• 4:15Travis McElroy?

  2009, Warren Beatty has owned the film and television rights to Dick Tracy for 19 years. Tribune Media sues to get those film and television rights back. Disney, by this point, is like, we're not doing anything with this, gives their portion of the film and television rights over to Warren Beatty.

• 4:37Griffin McElroy?

  Gave him the dit. He already had the trace, he already had the Tracy.

• 4:41Travis McElroy?

  Then Tribune Media goes bankrupt. Yeah.

• 4:47Travis McElroy?

  So the court awards the film and television rights to Warren Beatty on the condition that he must every couple of years use those to make a Dick Tracy project.

• 5:02Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, that seems like maybe not the best way to ensure quality of the thing.

• 5:07Travis McElroy?

  Right, but it's not an unconventional deal. There's a lot of that use it or lose it kind of dealing in Hollyweird. So in 2016, Warren Beatty partnering with Turner Classic Movies.

• 5:22Griffin McElroy?

  Great.

• 5:23Travis McElroy?

  Produces a Dick Tracy special that airs late, late, late, late at night. And it is an interview of Leonard Malden interviewing Warren Beatty as Dick Tracy.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  Oh my goodness. Oh, how are you Detective Tracy? I'm fine. Call me Dick, huh? I'll try. Shall I sit here? Please do, yes. Maybe I'll offer you something to drink?

• 5:48Griffin McElroy?

  I've been, can you pause it?

• 5:49Speaker 04

  I don't drink, Mr. Malden.

• 5:50Griffin McElroy?

  I didn't sign up for this.

• 5:52Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 5:53Griffin McElroy?

  When I started doing this comedy, when I started doing this comedy podcast, I was not under the impression that I would have to watch Warren Beatty pretend to be Dick Tracy in an unscripted sort of jazz-like format. He also looks so much like The Mask in his big yellow suit.

• 6:08Travis McElroy?

  Travis, this is Warren Beatty pretending to be Dick Tracy in 2016. What on God's green earth makes you think Ivan Huffed huge giant lines of this guy already? I've been huffing this dude for a decade. A decade, man. I love this shit. I live for this video. 2023, he does it again. Dick Tracy zooms in. A special about the Dick Tracy special in which Warren Beatty.

• 6:36Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, I've never seen this.

• 6:37Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 6:38Griffin McElroy?

  Damn it, okay, damn it.

• 6:40Travis McElroy?

  It is a special about the special that was made in 2016. Once again, featuring, if I'm not mistaken, both Warren Beatty as Dick Tracy and Warren Beatty as himself, zooming into a call. And then that's Ben, um. Ben Mankiewicz.

• 6:57Griffin McElroy?

  Yes.

• 6:58Travis McElroy?

  Yes, that's Ben Mankiewicz.

• 7:01Travis McElroy?

  So that was 2023.

• 7:05Griffin McElroy?

  Is it every two years?

• 7:06Travis McElroy?

  Well, so it's 2016 and 2023.

• 7:10Griffin McElroy?

  So he's catching up. He's like, I think he's trying to catch up for something that he didn't do.

• 7:14Travis McElroy?

  So here's my pitch, Mr. Beatty, I know you are a Max Fun member, my brother, my brother me supporter. So I know you're listening. But you also know that you're getting up there in years.

• 7:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 7:27Travis McElroy?

  When you die.

• 7:29Griffin McElroy?

  Are you trying to get Dick Tracy?

• 7:30Travis McElroy?

  Picture this, your friends and family show up to your funeral, except surprise, it's a funeral for Dick Tracy.

• 7:36Griffin McElroy?

  That's awesome.

• 7:37Travis McElroy?

  And Warren Beatty is in the Dick Tracy costume in the coffin. There's paid actors there dressed as Dick Tracy's rogues gallery.

• 7:46Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking Flat Top Jones.

• 7:48Travis McElroy?

  Reboot or funeral? I have to know now. Funeral. Okay. Right? And it's, and it's, you got big boy, you got, uh, no face or faceless. You've got mumbles, all of them there.

• 8:00Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 8:00Travis McElroy?

  Shedding a tear for. Damn, is Big Boy in the public domain? Can we use him?

• 8:04Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 8:05Travis McElroy?

  Go ahead, Travis, do your thing.

• 8:06Griffin McElroy?

  Big Boy from Outcasts is in the public domain. Big Boy from Dick Tracy is not.

• 8:10Travis McElroy?

  Then the headstone at the grave reads Dick Tracy. You put up a live feed webcam pointed at that headstone in perpetuity. It is a Dick Tracy project in perpetuity. You will never lose the rights to Dick Tracy. Okay.

• 8:27Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 8:28Travis McElroy?

  They will be buried with you, perhaps literally, I don't know how that works. Travis, I have good news and bad news.

• 8:38Griffin McElroy?

  What? I can't wait to hear this.

• 8:39Travis McElroy?

  It's both. It's both, actually. Dick Tracy enters the public domain on January 1st, 2027. So you're windowed to get this guy.

• 8:49Griffin McElroy?

  In the ground, in the cold ground, fighting Flat Top Jones in heaven.

• 8:54Travis McElroy?

  The license is running. It's gotta be entirely fueled by spite is the thing that kills me.

• 9:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:01Travis McElroy?

  It's not like, like he's not using them, right? He's making these specials. There's not gonna, there's no one banging down his door to pay him $30 million for these rights.

• 9:10Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 9:11Travis McElroy?

  He just doesn't want. To give them up. The, the only problem with the Dick Tracy going into public domain is that it only applies to the very original version of the character in the original, in the original run. So your version does have to be an unrepentant racist. And like, cause other, that is the only version of the character that is in the public domain. So he does have to be kind of like.

• 9:39Griffin McElroy?

  Kind of like how you can do like racist Mickey Mouse.

• 9:42Travis McElroy?

  You have to do racist, they have to be racist or else it's not the same character. Knowing this, now that these rights, like that it becomes public domain in 2027, I'm just, I'm worried about the day when Warren Beatty gets a letter from his attorney, opens it up and misreads it as La La Land.

• 10:00Griffin McElroy?

  Mm hmm. That's funny. Do you guys remember when he fucking did that?

• 10:04Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:05Griffin McElroy?

  Travis is really tickled with this fucking five year old Oscars reference.

• 10:09Travis McElroy?

  It's not bad.

• 10:10Griffin McElroy?

  So proud of yourself.

• 10:11Travis McElroy?

  Not bad.

• 10:11Griffin McElroy?

  Thank you.

• 10:12Travis McElroy?

  I want to keep the, I want to keep the jokes coming and talk to you guys about something.

• 10:15Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 10:15Travis McElroy?

  It's, it's not going to seem like jokes, but it is my life. So we gotta talk about it. It's your life. It's now or never. My lizard that I had for a week died.

• 10:24Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 10:25Travis McElroy?

  You're kidding me. No, yeah, it is. It is. And it is sad. I realized it last night and I was and am very sad about it. And I wanted to come to you guys to get some advice. Cause I know you do this advice show here.

• 10:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 10:41Travis McElroy?

  I don't know how to go about. You know, not just with everything, but like especially with like, everybody's got a lot going on and it's pride. So like, I don't want to obviously, you know what I mean?

• 10:54Griffin McElroy?

  Like it's, yeah, lizards have their own month.

• 10:58Travis McElroy?

  Everybody's got a lot going on and it is pride and like, like we're working really hard on like summer theater. So everybody here is like really heads down on that. And like,

• 11:07Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 11:07Travis McElroy?

  Dad's doing his show and like, I don't really know who to get to for, to get sympathy and how to approach getting sympathy for, I am sad about the lizard I had for a week. Like, you know, like, I don't know how to even ease that into the conversation, really.

• 11:25Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 11:25Travis McElroy?

  Just start asking for sympathy.

• 11:26Travis McElroy?

  You're gonna need a montage.

• 11:29Travis McElroy?

  It's gonna be really bad though, cuz it's just gonna be me trying to get it to eat crickets and then getting skeeved out by the crickets.

• 11:36Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 11:36Travis McElroy?

  It's not like a lot of good times.

• 11:38Griffin McElroy?

  You didn't have like a lot of great moments with the lizard.

• 11:40Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, could you like photoshop? Still very sad. Wanna be clear, not based on anything, and I know, and this is probably what's hard about it, is that if I broke down on somebody about this lizard, they would probably need two and a half minutes before they were like, this is probably about other stuff, right? I'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously.

• 12:01Griffin McElroy?

  But with the lizard, it's easier cuz I can see that.

• 12:04Travis McElroy?

  Very concrete. I just need your sympathy about it, please. For next time, Justin, when you get your next lizard, immediately film with it. Really feels, this is another huge issue Travis, is that highly unmotivated.

• 12:19Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:20Travis McElroy?

  To do so.

• 12:22Travis McElroy?

  Too sad. Really, very, very sad.

• 12:25Griffin McElroy?

  You can call it shoe lizard, too sad.

• 12:27Travis McElroy?

  If I could just finish one thought, cuz I am mourning, huge aquarium, just huge tank.

• 12:32Griffin McElroy?

  Big.

• 12:32Travis McElroy?

  Unbelievably big, cuz I expected.

• 12:36Griffin McElroy?

  A friend.

• 12:37Travis McElroy?

  A long-term sort of growth. I was prepared for long-term growth.

• 12:42Griffin McElroy?

  He needed his own zone. You had a little Project Hail Mary situation on your hands.

• 12:46Travis McElroy?

  You were diamond-handing that lizard. You were never gonna go to the moon.

• 12:50Griffin McElroy?

  Growth market. Yeah.

• 12:51Travis McElroy?

  I really had a lot of faith, you know what I mean?

• 12:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 12:56Travis McElroy?

  I read all the books. I feel like I did everything pretty good, and so I'm not really blaming myself. Again, certainly is tied up in other stuff. I don't wanna get out there.

• 13:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:08Travis McElroy?

  But the one mistake, the one mistake you made. Feelings. The one mistake you made, Jamie, was not filming for a montage of like you and the lizard having a picnic on the beach, and like you have like a close-up POV of its face saying like, stop filming.

• 13:25Griffin McElroy?

  I don't wanna.

• 13:25Travis McElroy?

  Crass, Trav, but like, considering our lives, I do feel like a little bit robbed of the opportunity for like. A lot of great content.

• 13:34Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:35Travis McElroy?

  And a lot of good, and I, that is a terrible way to think about it until you realize that I make content with my family. That's a, so now it's beautiful.

• 13:44Griffin McElroy?

  Right.

• 13:44Travis McElroy?

  You know, just pronounced a different way, it's content. You know, when you think about it.

• 13:49Griffin McElroy?

  That's good. That's really something.

• 13:53Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 13:54Griffin McElroy?

  But what's funny-

• 13:55Travis McElroy?

  Talk to a family YouTuber, they're like, yes, I make my children content.

• 14:00Travis McElroy?

  Yes, yes, yes, I, I-

• 14:02Griffin McElroy?

  My kids are-

• 14:03Travis McElroy?

  Often, frequently, daily make my children content.

• 14:05Griffin McElroy?

  No, well, my kids make me content.

• 14:08Travis McElroy?

  Kids make me content.

• 14:10Griffin McElroy?

  Right, they make me and everyone else content.

• 14:14Travis McElroy?

  Content.

• 14:16Griffin McElroy?

  We make three dollars and fifteen cents per million views from YouTube on their content.

• 14:25Travis McElroy?

  My kids' content is really important to me.

• 14:28Griffin McElroy?

  I, this is why I refuse to invest in such a paper-thin animal.

• 14:33Travis McElroy?

  Emotionally, or like monetarily, or?

• 14:37Griffin McElroy?

  Uh, monetarily, mostly, but I mean, the emotional thing is that's, that's probably not even gonna happen, but the, the financial side of things, I don't need, I don't need to be, you know, two G's in the hole, supporting an animal who, again, is just a stiff wind. Where'd the lizard go? Wind, got him. Big wind got him, and now, and then a bird got him before he even touched the ground. Like, no thanks, give me a big, give me a toil, give me a big boy who can't hurt, who can't get hurt.

• 15:05Travis McElroy?

  I can't be clear enough about this, there was no threat of bird. Like, there was no, I did a good job. There was no bird danger.

• 15:13Griffin McElroy?

  No one thought there was threat of bird. Okay, lizards die sometimes, is what you're saying.

• 15:18Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, Griffin, that's why it's so hard to get sympathy about it. You're, you're skipping to the end, like, yes, agreed.

• 15:25Griffin McElroy?

  If your pet turtle died, if your pet turtle died, people would be like, holy shit, how'd that even happen?

• 15:29Travis McElroy?

  I told Cooper, yes, exactly, how, I didn't even know they could die. I told Cooper that, like, it just happens, these things happen, like, that's nature, that's life sometimes, and by the way, she really, if there was any leftover sympathy, I feel like she turned on the- works and was really kind of lapping it all up. Oh, yeah, dude. You know what I mean? Like, it was not a lot of drops over left over for daddy. No drops.

• 15:50Griffin McElroy?

  Even though daddy's daddy's sadness about the lizard doesn't come out as big heaving tears. It's more of a rot, a deep rot.

• 15:58Travis McElroy?

  No, no, it was a big heaving tears, but it was the night before while they were in bed. But I felt sad again the next day.

• 16:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, right.

• 16:05Travis McElroy?

  And would have just loved a little extra, you know?

• 16:07Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 16:08Travis McElroy?

  I just didn't know. Justin, I want to first express sympathy for you and say, I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you. He's finally eating crickets in heaven now.

• 16:18Griffin McElroy?

  That's see Travis didn't take it seriously. Did you?

• 16:20Travis McElroy?

  You didn't take it seriously. And also, I never learned the gender because you have to candle their little nads to figure out what's what in there. And I just. I'm just very hung up because Griffin mentioned having a big pet turtle. And nothing has ever seemed so right as Griffin McRoy having a large pet turtle as a pet.

• 16:39Griffin McElroy?

  Having a turtle.

• 16:40Travis McElroy?

  So right.

• 16:41Griffin McElroy?

  I've been thinking about it.

• 16:42Travis McElroy?

  What if you saw a turtle right now crawl up on his little?

• 16:45Griffin McElroy?

  What if?

• 16:46Travis McElroy?

  No, he'd be huge, dude. I get TikTok content from this channel and it's this woman who has like a 400 pound

• 16:54Griffin McElroy?

  enormous turtle. And you know what this thing's favorite thing on earth to do is? Smash into all of her patio furniture. Just absolutely fuck this woman's patio up. Every video is her like, Horton, stop Horton, stop it. As he just absolutely goes ham on some world market wicker chairs. Just fucks them clean up. It's awesome. I would love that in my home.

• 17:18Travis McElroy?

  Get you a big turtle.

• 17:19Griffin McElroy?

  Might get me a big turtle. Might get me a big turtle. Dress like a big turtle right now, a little bit. I think that I think you're right.

• 17:26Travis McElroy?

  I'm saying it's such a good.

• 17:28Griffin McElroy?

  It makes sense. It makes a lot of sense.

• 17:30Travis McElroy?

  But you don't have a big turtle already.

• 17:32Griffin McElroy?

  That I maybe the thing that's been missing in my life this whole time is a huge turtle.

• 17:36Travis McElroy?

  Be a huge max fun goal, I think sometime is like Griffin gets a turtle.

• 17:39Griffin McElroy?

  The more support we get, the more members, the bigger the turtle.

• 17:43Travis McElroy?

  Oh, if I could mention to you guys, one other little wrinkle. Um, I discovered the situation when I went to feed.

• 17:55Travis McElroy?

  The bearded dragon, one of the 500 roaches that I had just purchased.

• 18:01Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it mentioned this just the other day, how many bugs you had bought and brought into your home.

• 18:07Travis McElroy?

  500 roaches, 500 crickets. Or in a container.

• 18:12Griffin McElroy?

  This animal made you bring a thousand bugs in your house.

• 18:16Travis McElroy?

  And guys, it brought a thousand bugs in and died. And now I have, I had a thousand and one pets. And now I got a thousand.

• 18:26Travis McElroy?

  Which I guess in the grand scheme of pets is still pretty good.

• 18:29Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, I mean, there's gotta be a way.

• 18:33Travis McElroy?

  For sale, a thousand bugs, never eaten.

• 18:36Griffin McElroy?

  Alive, living, alive?

• 18:38Travis McElroy?

  The bugs?

• 18:39Griffin McElroy?

  Alive, yeah.

• 18:40Travis McElroy?

  Not all alive. It's rough to be a bug, but they're doing okay.

• 18:45Griffin McElroy?

  That's what the ride at Animal Kingdom at Disney World was all about. You go in, you see.

• 18:49Travis McElroy?

  To be a bug.

• 18:50Griffin McElroy?

  You see Barry the Bee, you see all the famous movie bugs, like, oh shit, did you hear the news? Yeah, man, Dave passed away last night just from being a bug.

• 18:58Travis McElroy?

  Better than getting ate, I guess.

• 18:59Griffin McElroy?

  Better than getting ate by a bigger bug, I guess.

• 19:02Travis McElroy?

  And they only eat the live ones, which like, I hope that her pickiness was not her undoing. I, I did offer a lot of great live bugs, but I don't know. Did the pet store you bought them from have a return policy? I bought too many bugs. Hey Trav, I would have to ship them back.

• 19:21Griffin McElroy?

  This is an ex lizard.

• 19:25Griffin McElroy?

  That's what it would be like.

• 19:26Travis McElroy?

  Yes.

• 19:28Griffin McElroy?

  I made Justin smile again for the first time since the advent.

• 19:31Travis McElroy?

  I just laughed for the first time again. I never thought I'd laugh again.

• 19:36Griffin McElroy?

  I never, I think that's my first successfully deployed Monty Python reference. And it got a big laugh. I'm ruined now, man. I'm gonna be dropping that shit all the time now.

• 19:47Travis McElroy?

  Were you scared, like, going into it? Was there like?

• 19:50Griffin McElroy?

  Super scared.

• 19:50Travis McElroy?

  Which one did you, was it like the two wolves?

• 19:53Griffin McElroy?

  Which one? Yeah.

• 19:55Travis McElroy?

  And you, hey, can I say you committed and you nailed it? Yeah, I, a couple of weeks ago, I applied online for a job to be a delivery driver for a chain of ice cream shops. They recently reached out to me and asked if I would be free to chat and have a scoop of ice cream on us. Hmm. I love ice cream, but I'm not sure what to order in the context of a job interview. Should I get a single scoop in a cup? Should I go crazy? Oh, should I go for a crazy combination of flavors to show off my creativity? Do I use a spoon? Should I politely refuse? Help me, brothers. That's from Scoop Savvy in Seattle. Gotta be a spoon, right?

• 20:30Griffin McElroy?

  What's the normal, what's the normal ice cream? There's additional info here.

• 20:33Travis McElroy?

  Okay. P.S. My normal ice cream order is a double scoop of any two chocolatey flavors in a waffle cone with no spoon.

• 20:41Griffin McElroy?

  Excellent. Good choice.

• 20:42Travis McElroy?

  No spoon is not an order. It's a lifestyle. Spoon. Hold the spoon. Hey, you know what? Order like that. I would hire you. They're like on the rocks. On the rock, on the cone.

• 20:54Griffin McElroy?

  Straight up. Uh, okay. I worked at an ice cream shop as my first job was at the country's best yogurt. Which did serve ice cream.

• 21:03Travis McElroy?

  Free pour.

• 21:05Griffin McElroy?

  That, that, that little correction always comes about point 75 seconds after I mentioned that it is, was primarily a frozen yogurt shop. They did have like 20 flavors of ice cream. Cause it was, anytime anyone ordered ice cream at the country's best yogurt, I'd be like, God damn it. Because the yogurt, you just go with a little handle and then your job's done. And with the ice cream, you gotta fucking, and it always bummed me out so much.

• 21:26Travis McElroy?

  God, I miss T C U Y.

• 21:28Griffin McElroy?

  Shit, man. Me too. Pretty sweet job. This job is great. I love making content with my family and having so much creative freedom. This job doesn't let me eat free fun size Snickers bars infinitely in the back room of the job while I play Nintendo D S. That's not an option here.

• 21:46Travis McElroy?

  Do you want that? We could set that up for you.

• 21:49Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, man. That I'd be so bad. Don't trust me in a big room full of free Snickers. Cause I have sort of evidence that I can't be trusted in that regard.

• 21:59Travis McElroy?

  Question asked, you can't do cone? Any, anything in a job interview?

• 22:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:04Travis McElroy?

  Where you're like, and it involves a lot of lick, licking?

• 22:08Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, no one wants that. I think if you're an ice cream delivery driver, I don't know. They want you to be punctual. What you do, the ice cream situation is not so important. They want you to be punctual and they want you to not be kind of weird. And if you, I'm afraid if you go with a certain ice cream arrangement, all the worst, a little cake cone with a big swirl and you like.

• 22:29Travis McElroy?

  Okay. I think they've gotten that you don't want to get a cone, Griffin.

• 22:31Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 22:32Travis McElroy?

  I think they get it. Okay.

• 22:33Griffin McElroy?

  If.

• 22:34Travis McElroy?

  They, I think they get that you shouldn't.

• 22:36Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking three popsicles at the same time.

• 22:38Travis McElroy?

  Okay, Griffin, licking is out. We all get it.

• 22:41Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. Don't lick anything at a job interview is pretty good.

• 22:44Travis McElroy?

  Unless you're there to be an envelope sealer.

• 22:48Griffin McElroy?

  Yep.

• 22:48Travis McElroy?

  They're not.

• 22:48Griffin McElroy?

  That's a, that's a thing.

• 22:49Travis McElroy?

  It said it. So I think that as a delivery driver, I want someone who doesn't hate ice cream, but I don't want to worry about them eating the product on the way there.

• 23:02Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 23:03Travis McElroy?

  You know what I mean?

• 23:04Griffin McElroy?

  I was not screened for this particular trait.

• 23:06Travis McElroy?

  I don't want you going too ham. The product's already been sold. You're delivering it. I don't need you to sell it. I don't need to see you're enthusiastic about it.

• 23:14Griffin McElroy?

  Also, guess what?

• 23:14Travis McElroy?

  I need to see that you have a healthy respect for the product.

• 23:17Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah. If it gets out that when you do a job interview at this company, let's call it the country's worst yogurt, and you roll up and they're like, have a scoop on us, but you're actually allowed to have a free double fudgy double blast sundae with extra, extra drippings on it. And you eat that and they're like, you haven't said anything this whole interview. You're just going, yummy, yummy, yummy. And you're like, yeah, guess I don't get the job. Guess what? Next day, you're gonna put on a wig, you're gonna put on a big fake beard, and you're gonna come back in the next day for the next, hello, I'd like to interview for the job too. I'm a great driver. Let me get a double fudgy super duper blast with extra fucking drippings.

• 23:55Travis McElroy?

  Unemployed. They need a job, Griffin. You're not helping. You're getting the worst.

• 23:58Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, they don't need food. They have infinite ice cream and as many hundreds and thousands as they can possibly fit in their pocket.

• 24:04Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, there's a lot of peanuts you could get on their chairs. That's fruits and protein, baby.

• 24:09Griffin McElroy?

  That's fruits and protein. Cones is.

• 24:11Travis McElroy?

  How crazy do you think you can go with the toppings before they're like, actually, I think we're done here?

• 24:17Griffin McElroy?

  I think the toppings are an instant fail. If you go for it, the cream, I've always looked it down on people who put toppings on their ice cream, which already contained nuts.

• 24:26Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 24:27Griffin McElroy?

  Nuts. Listen, the cream already is folded in with nuts and mallos and chocolate chippies and all kinds of wonderful street.

• 24:35Travis McElroy?

  Keep going.

• 24:37Griffin McElroy?

  I'm saying the cream has all kinds of great stuff in it. You're saying like, but what if it also had caramel?

• 24:42Travis McElroy?

  Toppings on ice cream, you lunatic. Yeah, why put icing on cake?

• 24:46Griffin McElroy?

  I don't, one, super duper duper messy. Two, a lot of ice cream toppings. Guys, I worked at the country's best yogurt. Who the fuck do you think you're fucking talking to right now?

• 24:56Travis McElroy?

  Right.

• 24:56Griffin McElroy?

  Do you, guess what percentage of ice cream toppings are like on a fundamental level compromised by being rubbed all over smooth, cold, wet cream? The answer is almost all of them. Almost all. Try, try getting gummy bears on your ice cream. My kids do it every time. Every time I have to say, nope, those get rock hard and edible and gross. Don't fucking do it, but they do it on time.

• 25:17Travis McElroy?

  I want to be the sort of person that just like waits till they get there and thinks, hmm, what kind of ice cream would I enjoy? And then they order that and then the boss is like, huh, tell me about your order. And then you're like, I don't know. That's what I felt like. I want to be that person, you know? Where do I, but the problem is, once you've thought about it ahead of time, you're no longer that person. So what the fuck are you supposed to do? Not think about it? I, yeah, I like to pretend to be that person. Yeah. But there's a voice in the back of my head is like, you know what you're getting. And I'm like, I don't know. This is a new place. Maybe they have different flavors.

• 25:57Travis McElroy?

  And it's like, yeah. And then again, I look and I'm like, hmm, huh, you know what is jumping out to me?

• 26:04Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 26:04Travis McElroy?

  This like chocolate peanut butter. Yeah. And it's like, that's what you were planning the whole fucking time. You knew that about yourself. You're right, Trev. Just like at Baskin Robbins, just chocolate peanut butter. You know, there's Baskin Robbins on how grew was for sale for a little bit. Oh, really? Yeah, almost. I was thinking about it. I was like, dude, should I be an ice cream man? Should that, is that a career path for me?

• 26:25Griffin McElroy?

  What? I can show you the ropes, kid. Show you the ropes.

• 26:28Travis McElroy?

  I was worried, honestly, the reason I didn't do it is that I was worried that for, for, for, first of all, I don't know how to do that. Like that's a, that's a huge, a lot of

• 26:37Griffin McElroy?

  That doesn't stop you from doing other big things.

• 26:39Travis McElroy?

  Guys will do this thing where like, like, so I just, I don't know how to. So that's the one thing that's stopping me. The other thing is like Where's the ice cream come? Do you make the ice cream? Like where's it fucking?

• 26:47Griffin McElroy?

  I assume someone else took care of this.

• 26:49Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, I just realized, I saw in the future of like Baskin Robbins trying to tell me how to do it and I'm, and I'm, I can't be in a fight with corporate all the time about the cool way I want to sell ice cream. You know what I mean? Like, if I want to call mine the dirty Baskin.

• 27:05Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 27:06Travis McElroy?

  Welcome to, welcome to Tim Robbins.

• 27:08Griffin McElroy?

  Welcome to Tim Robbins. It's a Tim Robbins themed Baskin Robbins. We're watching, we got monitors for the kids. We got Shawshank going.

• 27:16Travis McElroy?

  Bask in Tim Robbins. Really come in and soak it all in. We got a thousand bats in Tim Robbins.

• 27:25Griffin McElroy?

  We got, you gotta try our double fudgy Mystic River Carible streak cheesecake. It's so good.

• 27:31Travis McElroy?

  Do you want some Timmies on that? That's what we call sprinkles. Hey, Tim Robbins, and I think you should leave. This is a Tim Robbins Baskin Robbins.

• 27:44Griffin McElroy?

  Cool.

• 27:45Travis McElroy?

  We should take a break. Yeah. Does that, is that right?

• 27:47Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, it sounds good to me.

• 27:49Travis McElroy?

  Okay, let's take a quick commercial break.

• 28:01Travis McElroy?

  You want to get your money figured out? You, the first step is figuring out where it all is, like awareness, right? Where's it all going?

• 28:08Griffin McElroy?

  What it is, how it works.

• 28:09Travis McElroy?

  What it is, where is it going? Hey, money, get back here. Where are you guys going? Well, here's, here's your, your answer is Rocket Money. Yes, Rocket Money. Hey, check out my finances. Tell me about my, my, my little money soldiers. Where are they going off to battle? You know what I mean? I want to know, where, where are they fighting? Where maybe I don't need to, maybe there's a subscription you forgot about, or 20, that maybe you don't need to be sending your money to anymore. Well, you can just kill, maybe that's already dead in this scenario. Like you're, you're sending. You're, wait, I'm trying to follow Justice Day. You're sending your money soldiers. So soldiers, monies, listen, I watched a lot of Shark Tank and money is soldiers. Okay, money is troops. War is basically for money.

• 28:50Griffin McElroy?

  War is everything.

• 28:51Travis McElroy?

  War is hell. War never changes, but it does have change and dollars in it. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. You monitor your spending and it helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I mean, that's not complicated, guys. That's just, it's just Rocket Money.

• 29:10Griffin McElroy?

  They categorize your spendings for you so you can look and see that where you're, uh, where you've deployed SEAL Team Six. The world's most elite.

• 29:22Travis McElroy?

  That's your credit card.

• 29:23Griffin McElroy?

  Group, uh, your, your credit card is SEAL Team Six. Elite operatives doing the dirty work that keeps America safe.

• 29:33Travis McElroy?

  I'm trying to. Happy 250, big boy. I love you. I just want to be a part of it, man. I love you so much. Have you noticed how everybody is putting 250? We could all get a hit on that ball, huh? I saw Doritos Extreme Garlic Parmesan Americas 250, which like, fuck, fair play, Doritos. It's like, absolutely, man.

• 29:54Griffin McElroy?

  We should do another episode 250.

• 29:57Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. I can.

• 30:00Griffin McElroy?

  Awesome. Rocket Money would probably think that's a great idea because of how much money we would make on it. And Rocket Money is always telling us, you guys are spending your money in such a wild way. You told us to stop you if you tried to spend money this way and we would, we're just letting you know we're concerned. But yeah, I, I've actually used Rocket Money a lot and it always catches my kids iPad subscriptions in the dragnet. I guess their fingerprint is close enough to mine that they can authorize Apple ID purchases sometimes.

• 30:26Travis McElroy?

  Or they do it while you're sleeping.

• 30:28Griffin McElroy?

  Or they do it while you're sleeping.

• 30:28Travis McElroy?

  Walk over to you, grab your thumb.

• 30:30Griffin McElroy?

  Bing bong. Yep. So, um, yeah, thank you. Thank you, Rocket Money, for sponsoring the show. And, um, everyone should use it if you want to keep your money straight. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com/mybrother. That's rocketmoney.com/mybrother. One last time, rocketmoney.com/mybrother.

• 30:48Travis McElroy?

  Wouldn't you guys think, don't you think it'd be cool if in Fallout 5, it started with them saying like, turns out sometimes war changes.

• 30:55Griffin McElroy?

  War does change.

• 30:56Travis McElroy?

  And then it's like bionic sharks are fighting a war that you have to fight and you're like a dolphin with legs.

• 31:02Griffin McElroy?

  Battlefield. Yeah.

• 31:03Travis McElroy?

  Big change. Wouldn't that be fucking cool? Aura Frames makes the perfect gift for any occasion, even if that occasion is just letting someone know how important they are to you, how much they mean to you, because you can constantly be adding new things to it, new pictures, uh, even like little video clips or whatever. Sometimes my kids scare the shit out of me by hitting play on a video when I didn't know they were standing by the aura frame. And suddenly noise starts coming out of it and I think I'm being attacked. But other than that, it's great. I love it.

• 31:33Griffin McElroy?

  You need to have fewer videos of men yelling and chasing.

• 31:37Travis McElroy?

  That's true.

• 31:38Griffin McElroy?

  Like strangers, you put them on the Aura Frame, because it couldn't be easier to put stuff on an Aura Frame if it's someone else's that doesn't know how to do technology stuff, you can like manage it for them. So like for your dad, if he's maybe not so great at technology for Father's Day, it would, it would fill that need. Don't put videos of men screaming and yelling his name, that they're going to get him and that they know what he did.

• 31:59Travis McElroy?

  Even if it's pleasant screaming, it can still be off putting, you know what I mean? I don't need people cheering for me for sitting down.

• 32:05Griffin McElroy?

  Only beautiful memories of you and them and your loved ones.

• 32:10Travis McElroy?

  And quiet men.

• 32:12Griffin McElroy?

  And quiet men whispering your name.

• 32:14Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, quiet whispering men. Load up your dad's Aura Frame for Father's Day with quiet whispering men.

• 32:19Griffin McElroy?

  Dennis, we're not, Dennis, we're not going to get you.

• 32:23Travis McElroy?

  You know how your dad loves the lost? You can recreate the lost experience for your dad by filling his Aura Frame with quiet whispering men.

• 32:30Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 32:31Travis McElroy?

  Just occasionally whisper some gibberish.

• 32:33Griffin McElroy?

  We don't know what you did, Dennis.

• 32:36Travis McElroy?

  No one's talking about it.

• 32:38Griffin McElroy?

  You're safe. You're so safe.

• 32:40Travis McElroy?

  Bigfoot loves you. Something like that, you know?

• 32:43Griffin McElroy?

  Name number one by Wirecutter, you can save now by visiting AuraFrames.com. For limited time, listeners can get $35 off their best selling Carver Mat Frame with code MYBROTHER. That's A U R A Frames.com promo code MYBROTHER. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

• 32:58Speaker 05

  Hello? Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast. No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye. It's a multi award winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old. She's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want that to carry you home again, do I? Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast. Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, mother. This is musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello. Simply go to MaximumFun.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother, mother, not that hat.

• 33:43Speaker 05

  Pokemon, Insecure, Love Island, Paramore. What do all these things have in common? Black people love them. That's where black people love Paramore. More comes in. We're a pop culture podcast, taking a funny look at the common and sometimes very uncommon things black people love. From asking why so many black kids were secretly emo, to debating whether Beyonce is underrated. Hint, she is. We're getting into all the things that make us feel a little bit more seen. Get it? And yes, everybody's invited. No matter your niche, we have room for you. Listen to Black People Love Paramore on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get your podcasts.

• 34:26Travis McElroy?

  I wanna munch. Squad. I want to munch. Squad.

• 34:45Travis McElroy?

  Welcome to Munch Squad. It's a podcast within a podcast. The thermostat is heating up. And I couldn't be more excited over here. Okay. Hot Boy Summer. And America's ice cream purveyors are also very excited. I just wanted to talk about the summer of America. Please, please, I'm begging you, KSR Magazine, stop showing me the pop-up for that pizza. They don't have it in my area, but I want to eat it very bad. These are, the first one I wanted to tell you, Trav, this is a local interest story that I wanted to mention. Graters, baby. Guess what Graters is doing for 2026? Now, of course,

• 35:27Travis McElroy?

  these, they're celebrating America's 250th. Okay? With a cherry sparkler, that's crafted to celebrate the nation's 250th birthday. This wild cherry ice cream combines red and blue popping candy folded into every Star Spangled scoop. Now, if it wasn't Graters, I would question how that possibly holds up. A thing that dissolves when it hits moisture. Yeah. Yeah. In an ice cream. But it's Graters, and I trust them. They'll figure it out. But Trav, here's the really exciting one. Ghost Notes.

• 36:01Travis McElroy?

  Oh, I know about this. I saw this. Go ahead, Trav. Kings Island is bringing back the Phantom Theater. Holy shit, no way. Dude, it's reopening. Kings Island, get out. We are, we can be the spokespeople for Kings Island, please.

• 36:14Griffin McElroy?

  Please get out of us, we'll do, we'll do anything.

• 36:16Travis McElroy?

  Please, please. And this is the greatest Phantom Theater ice cream tie-in. Yeah, they're, so it's Ghost Notes celebrates Kings Island's new ride, Phantom Theater Opening Nightmare.

• 36:27Griffin McElroy?

  New ride.

• 36:28Travis McElroy?

  Quick history on this ride, I'm gonna try to do it from memory, so apologies if I mess any of the steps up. It starts out as Phantom Theater, which is a theme dark ride. Started off as Smurfs.

• 36:39Travis McElroy?

  Yes. God, Travis, you're right. Oh, that's all the way back to the Hanna-Barbera integration. Right, okay. So it's a dark ride at Smurfs, and then they lose that license, and then it becomes Phantom Theater, right? And then they get the Scooby Doo license. With Paramount. With Paramount, and then it becomes Boo, Scooby Doo, Boo Blasters on Boo Hill.

• 37:00Griffin McElroy?

  Fucking sucked.

• 37:01Travis McElroy?

  And then they lose the Scooby Doo thing, so then it's just a bunch of people that kinda look like Scooby Doo people running around.

• 37:10Travis McElroy?

  You know, it's the gang, Harry and Frank and Dolph me.

• 37:15Griffin McElroy?

  Shabby dog, shabby dabby dog.

• 37:19Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, but they finally, they finally, uh, uh, are reopening as the Phantom Theater, uh, Opening Nightmare. And the maestro is back, yeah, it's very cool. Good news.

• 37:29Griffin McElroy?

  Do they still have the room where they have like a big oven and they blast you with fucking, uh, 15 second uninterrupted jet of, of really hot air?

• 37:37Travis McElroy?

  The best way to dry off after it rained at the park?

• 37:40Griffin McElroy?

  You get wet on one of them wet rides, you go on Phantom Theater, it's cold in the beginning, but then they blast you with that oven, it feels so good.

• 37:46Travis McElroy?

  Get hit by that Dyson hand dryer of a ride.

• 37:50Griffin McElroy?

  So good.

• 37:51Travis McElroy?

  You can get it Ghost Notes right now, Trav, so, uh, make sure you bring me a pint. Carvel is a chain that has not been a big presence in our neck of the woods in West Virginia, but I, I do wanna tell you they are celebrating America.

• 38:05Griffin McElroy?

  Good.

• 38:06Travis McElroy?

  With the USA Carvelanch. That's Carvel soft-serve mixed with red, white, and blue M&M candies.

• 38:15Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. Those are an edge case. They are a little harder to get through in an ice cold context, but they do. I mean, the candy shell does a lot of work to.

• 38:24Travis McElroy?

  There is also one thing I wanted to highlight here that is a, a new trend for summer that I've not seen before, but two places are doing it, which is the side eye celebration of the World Cup without actually mentioning it. There is a limited edition.

• 38:39Griffin McElroy?

  Game kind of play.

• 38:40Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, there's a limited edition, the big cup, the limited edition soccer themed ice cream cake, created for summer soccer viewing occasions.

• 38:51Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 38:52Travis McElroy?

  That could be.

• 38:52Griffin McElroy?

  You know? Yeah, sure.

• 38:54Travis McElroy?

  Baskin Robbins, by the way, for June, not July, we don't know what they're doing for the 250th yet, but they're launching football fireworks. Not to be confused with football day in North Americano, this is football de clásico. Uh, the brand's June flavor of the month is just made for super fans, soccer moms, local legends, and aspiring stars alike. Weird that we're still just taking gendered strays just from nowhere, right? We're just like randomly like, hey soccer moms, pop, pop, pop.

• 39:28Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 39:28Travis McElroy?

  You know, like moms do soccer, right? Pow.

• 39:31Griffin McElroy?

  Dads don't give a shit about soccer.

• 39:33Travis McElroy?

  What? What? What are you talking about? What do you mean? Okay, it's a winning combo of sweet cream soda, ice cream, cherry flavored sherbet, with bonus assists from green apple and blue raspberry popping candy, plus blue raspberry swirls too.

• 39:50Griffin McElroy?

  That's a lot of shit. As a, as a, as a beverage, as a, a sweet treat, that's too much shit. As a little representation of America on its quarter millennial, I think this, it's not bad. It's pretty, pretty accurate, I think, for the state of things now.

• 40:07Travis McElroy?

  But what about the king?

• 40:09Griffin McElroy?

  Wait, is that a drink?

• 40:11Travis McElroy?

  What?

• 40:12Griffin McElroy?

  Is that a drink?

• 40:13Travis McElroy?

  No, it's, it's this flavor of the month for June.

• 40:15Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, I was so worried that I was gonna be sipping on my soda through a straw and a popping candy would shoot out through the straw and hit me and make my heart explode.

• 40:25Travis McElroy?

  You know, milkshake would be a boss pull if you want to be a delivery driver for an ice cream place, because that's on the go, right? But ice cream based, but you can only get it at the store. So they know they have power over.

• 40:38Griffin McElroy?

  It is the hardest thing to make too. Guys, I got so jacked making milkshakes. I miss.

• 40:43Travis McElroy?

  How were you making it? Were you churning? Doing it?

• 40:46Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, man, you have one of those fucking things in the big metal cup and you had to

• 40:50Travis McElroy?

  Blender's exist.

• 40:50Griffin McElroy?

  I've done a lot of really, really suggestive pantomimes and I have never been particularly aware of that shit. But our pivot to video that we've made 12 years too late is like really illuminating to me that I just do a lot of jerk off motions when pretending to do other sort of tasks.

• 41:06Travis McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 41:07Griffin McElroy?

  And you guys haven't said anything.

• 41:08Travis McElroy?

  That's why we don't let you hang out with our kids.

• 41:10Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 41:11Travis McElroy?

  Uh, one last quick check in on Burger King going absolutely wild for the, for July. Uh, there's three new summer menu items. First is the loaded jalapeno whopper. Uh, it's an all new guest creation. It's a, a 100% flame grilled beef with crispy, uh, pickled jalapenos layered with creamy jalapeno sauce. And then the other stuff that's usually there. And it says delivering the spicy kick guests have been asking for, so that's good news.

• 41:43Griffin McElroy?

  Can I ask what the 100% is representing in the phrase 100% grilled beef?

• 41:49Travis McElroy?

  No breadcrumbs anymore.

• 41:52Griffin McElroy?

  So it's just straight up, and so it's 100% beef grilled. 100% grilled beef makes me think that you have every-

• 41:58Travis McElroy?

  100% flame grilled beef.

• 42:01Griffin McElroy?

  Is the flame, the flame was turned up to 100%.

• 42:03Travis McElroy?

  They don't nuke it for like 20 seconds and then flame grill it right at the end. It's 100% cooked that way.

• 42:08Travis McElroy?

  Every bit of this thing is grilled. It's all grilled.

• 42:12Griffin McElroy?

  It's grilled inside-

• 42:12Travis McElroy?

  We have a special tesseract that we put it in that's able to grill it from every angle at once.

• 42:19Griffin McElroy?

  Why, why is my beef patty like 10% the size that is supposed to, well, the 100% grilling? It reduces, there's no moisture in that whatsoever.

• 42:27Travis McElroy?

  There's some meat loss.

• 42:28Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 42:30Travis McElroy?

  The, the-

• 42:30Griffin McElroy?

  Whereas the beef, the beef is in the-

• 42:32Travis McElroy?

  Meat loss.

• 42:32Griffin McElroy?

  The beef is in the cloud. The beef is just kind of, we, we evaporated the beef.

• 42:35Travis McElroy?

  We digitized the beef for your convenience. Next up is the orange dreamsicle Freezy King.

• 42:42Griffin McElroy?

  Yep.

• 42:42Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, listen, guys, we got it. Don't get so like Pavlov's dogs over here. Freezy King is the new home for our frozen innovation. The first time that one of these brands decided that they were launching a drink platform, we should have stopped them. Like McCosmic, all of that shit. We should have said, no, you cannot have bubbles by Captain D's. You know what I mean? Like, you can't do it. You can just have drinks. It's not a new home for frozen innovation. It's a new lever on the fucking slushy machine. Stop it. No, I will get, I, listen, no matter how excited I get about an orange creamsicle thing, describing a beverage as an innovation.

• 43:25Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Travis McElroy?

  Unless there's some new cybernetic way of consuming it that makes it so like I look at the drink and I'm, I've drunk it or something. It's not an innovation. It's just a different flavor of drink. But what about the birthday? What about the B day? We got the fire cracker cookie pie, a chilled crunch experience.

• 43:45Griffin McElroy?

  Fire cracker cookie pie.

• 43:47Travis McElroy?

  That's three different words, man. That's crazy. Cookie pie is a chilled crunch experience. That layers velvety cream over a crisp sugar cookie crust topped with red, white, and blue star-shaped sprinkles to celebrate America's 250th birthday. It's a chilled crunch experience.

• 44:09Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 44:11Travis McElroy?

  Honey, you look different. Yeah, I, I, it's just, I had a chilled crunch experience today and I, I don't know, it's changed. Shook me to my core. Everything. It's, I'm looking at things, there are colors just aren't as bright anymore. And I don't find joy in you or the children's faces. It's just not the same. Griffin, I just texted you the, this quote from Joel Yashinsky, because if I read it, you guys are gonna think I read it wrong.

• 44:40Griffin McElroy?

  Okay. As the weather heats up, we know our guests are craving for fun flavors that they and experience and share, said Joel.

• 44:47Travis McElroy?

  What? Sorry, say it again?

• 44:49Griffin McElroy?

  That they and experience and share, said Joel Yashinsky, Chief Marketing Officer, Burger King, US and C.

• 44:56Griffin McElroy?

  Whether they're looking for a full meal, or a sweet, or savory snack, these new limited time menu items deliver the type of innovation guests with a capital G for some reason have been looking for, and we're continuing to listen and give them what they want.

• 45:09Travis McElroy?

  There, I said what you wanted me to say. Please let me go, set me free, says Dave. Dave, Joel says, "It's getting hotter, so we make colder things, and if you want to eat a lot, or a little bit, we'll do it. No problem."

• 45:23Griffin McElroy?

  Let us fucking know, man.

• 45:25Travis McElroy?

  Just let us know, and we're gonna keep doing this, okay? You keep saying whatever, and we'll do it, and they experience and share, and they, and experience.

• 45:35Griffin McElroy?

  Please stop complaining about our food.

• 45:38Travis McElroy?

  We are trying to make it as good as we can.

• 45:40Griffin McElroy?

  Do you guys know how hard it is?

• 45:42Travis McElroy?

  We don't know how to do it better. It sucks. Other than spending more money to do it, like if we get...

• 45:47Griffin McElroy?

  To do it and do this better stuff, but like, we have to grill 100% of this goddamn thing.

• 45:52Travis McElroy?

  Yeah. You know how long that takes, per burger?

• 45:54Griffin McElroy?

  It takes forever.

• 45:55Travis McElroy?

  If you all would stop eating the middle 10%, you greedy pigs, then we wouldn't have to cook it. That's the hardest part to reach. 90% around it.

• 46:03Griffin McElroy?

  And stop telling us you want more chicken fries as a joke, because you keep doing it, and we keep bringing them back, and then no one buys it.

• 46:10Travis McElroy?

  We bring them back and no one orders them.

• 46:10Griffin McElroy?

  No one orders it, and you send us a note that's like, "Ha, ha, ha, got you again, no one likes chicken fries, idiot."

• 46:16Travis McElroy?

  We built Jim's house out of chicken fries, with all the chicken fries we had left. Jim needed a house, and we didn't have money, because we spent it all on chicken fries, right, Jim?

• 46:23Griffin McElroy?

  We spent it all on chicken fries. You ruined this guy's fucking life with your chicken fries, Brian. Firecracker Cookie Pie. Firecracker Cookie Pie, I'm gonna be thinking about that.

• 46:34Travis McElroy?

  Firecracker Cookie Pie.

• 46:34Griffin McElroy?

  It sounds like the title.

• 46:35Travis McElroy?

  We don't need to want to let the motherfucker burn.

• 46:37Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, okay, I went...

• 46:38Travis McElroy?

  Firecracker Cookie Pie, burn.

• 46:40Griffin McElroy?

  I went more, it's like, it sounds like a rave, like a rave track that one might get from, like you might hear on like a RuPaul's Drag Race, like Rebecca, Rebecca Black, like, just sort of one for the, one for, for dancing, and forgetting about it. Firecracker Cookie Pie.

• 46:58Travis McElroy?

  My boyfriend is a horology nerd, and so I've bought him a pocket watch and a miniature grandfather clock. I'm trying to put together what the word "horology" means from context clues.

• 47:08Griffin McElroy?

  Time?

• 47:11Griffin McElroy?

  Time?

• 47:11Travis McElroy?

  I'm not gonna look it up. The only problem is...

• 47:16Travis McElroy?

  The only problem is they both have mechanical movements. These clocks tick loudly. How can I disguise or suppress the sound of them at night when he sleeps at mine? So as not to spoil his gifts. I know the easiest thing would be to stop them, but mechanical clocks work best when they run consistently. And I can't afford the service fee. My neighborhood is dead quiet and my apartment is small. Any help is appreciated. And that's from conspicuous clock clamor in Cambridge.

• 47:48Griffin McElroy?

  I mean, I have some great, some great thoughts on this.

• 47:53Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah?

• 47:54Griffin McElroy?

  I do. The ticking would drive you absolutely wild unless it was the steady beat of, of, of a popular song. How many beats per minute is the secondhand putting out?

• 48:06Travis McElroy?

  Probably 60.

• 48:07Griffin McElroy?

  Probably 60. Yeah.

• 48:08Travis McElroy?

  If I had to guess.

• 48:10Griffin McElroy?

  I just looked up 60 BPM songs. We got Kiss From A Rose by Seal. You could get that cranking. I'm talking about a playlist of 60 BPM songs. My Girl by Otis Redding. Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding. These Arms Of Mine by Otis Redding. Otis Redding worked at the natural sort of rhythm of the universe. And I fucking love that. I'm all about that. New slang, Skinny Love. There's like some, a lot of tracks that are just kinda there for you. You have to sync it up just right. Cause you can't have the ticking.

• 48:38Travis McElroy?

  Sleepy songs. I don't know if Try A Little Tenderness would put me to sleep.

• 48:42Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, well, take that, then don't do that one.

• 48:44Travis McElroy?

  But it's my favorite one on the list you just said. Could you convince your partner like? Okay, yes, it's true.

• 48:53Travis McElroy?

  I am a clockwork man.

• 48:54Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 48:55Travis McElroy?

  I was, I was assembled by Doctor Zalios and he died before he could give me a soul. But it's true. You hear the ticking of my heart. I am a clockwork boy. And only your love has brought me to life.

• 49:10Griffin McElroy?

  So it's their, so their boyfriend is the nerd about clocks. And you're saying that you would say, I am a clockwork person. And I don't understand how this is going to help him sleep at night.

• 49:20Travis McElroy?

  I'm hung up on the it's true part as though the partner has always suspected that they're a clockwork boy. And you're finally confirming it?

• 49:31Travis McElroy?

  Sorry, say again?

• 49:33Travis McElroy?

  I don't see where the... So what you... Trav, I might explain it to you one time, but I do feel like explaining robs some of the genius. But I will, I will explain. You are telling your partner that ticking sound that you hear is not a gift for you. It is in fact, the ticking of my heart, because I am a clockwork boy.

• 49:53Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 49:54Travis McElroy?

  By Dr. Zalias.

• 49:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 49:56Travis McElroy?

  And he died before he could give me a soul, but your love has made me...

• 49:59Griffin McElroy?

  Right. I'll tell you what happened here. I, there was a bit of a false start, because I saw, how can I suppress the sound of them at night? And I just thought it was because they were so loud that they made you not be able to fall asleep easily. That was me projecting my own shit on you. I didn't realize the layer about you didn't want to give away. So yeah, saying you're a clockwork boy is a strong idea. A strong idea juice.

• 50:18Travis McElroy?

  You missed the part where they're like, it's a gift, I don't want to spoil. Was that the context that you were working without?

• 50:23Griffin McElroy?

  The main kind of thrust of the question.

• 50:25Travis McElroy?

  Well, they do want to spoil the big reveal that it's true. They are a clockwork boy.

• 50:29Griffin McElroy?

  They're a clockwork.

• 50:30Travis McElroy?

  Bill by Dr. Zalias.

• 50:31Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, so even with my own mistake...

• 50:32Travis McElroy?

  Now that you understand my initial, can you react to it with a little more earnest, like, wonder? Can you give us, can you give us the line again? Uh, yeah. No, I actually won't be delivering the premise a third time. It's exhausting emotionally, immensely. I can't do it again. I'm sorry, guys.

• 50:48Griffin McElroy?

  He has to pretend to be a clockwork boy like Hugo, Trav.

• 50:50Travis McElroy?

  I do like, can I just say, Justin, when you were doing a voice as the clockwork boy confirming the truth?

• 50:56Griffin McElroy?

  That's cool. He did it again. He said he wouldn't, but then he did. Fucking A.

• 50:59Travis McElroy?

  It's very, it's even more human, I think, than you normally sound. I have a porcelain heart.

• 51:05Griffin McElroy?

  I have a porcelain heart, okay.

• 51:07Travis McElroy?

  I have a porcelain heart ticking, so it echoes terribly.

• 51:09Griffin McElroy?

  Why do they have a porcelain heart ticking if they're a clock?

• 51:12Travis McElroy?

  It was a prototype, but Dr. Zias before he could...

• 51:15Griffin McElroy?

  Dr. Zias?

• 51:16Travis McElroy?

  Dr. Zias did it? He was Dr. Zias.

• 51:20Griffin McElroy?

  Zalias.

• 51:21Travis McElroy?

  Zias was his assistant, his monkey assistant. His monkey assistant. Oh, it's a tie-in. This is all part of the Planet of the Apes universe. Heart of the Planet of the Apes.

• 51:32Griffin McElroy?

  What's the next 10 words of this idea? When they, do you know how disappointed this person's going to be when they find out their partner is not in fact a clockwork boy?

• 51:42Travis McElroy?

  The love made them real, Griffin.

• 51:43Griffin McElroy?

  The love made them real. But is the ticking still go... Are you guys still gonna give them the clock and the watch at some point? Because they'll probably figure out when you do get, you gotta smash these gifts.

• 51:53Travis McElroy?

  And the grandfather clock is their actual grandfather. Father.

• 51:55Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah, okay.

• 51:57Travis McElroy?

  That's actually very good. I actually like that now, Trav. That's actually good. That's my grandpa. Please ignore him. I'll move him out of the room so he doesn't watch a lovemaking.

• 52:05Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 52:07Travis McElroy?

  Oh, yeah, that's right. I can go forever.

• 52:09Griffin McElroy?

  There's um.

• 52:10Travis McElroy?

  The power of steam. I could go forever.

• 52:13Griffin McElroy?

  There's a, there are some cultures in which giving someone a clock is a, is a bad, is a bad luck, is a bad thing to do. Um, because I think it is, like, reminds folks of that you're gonna die, or like, is the same character in, in, I can't remember. I'll Google it later. And then next time I talk about this, I'll sound like super duper smart. But do you think when that sort of became a thing where they're like, giving someone a clock is a, is a very rude gift? Cause it's like you're telling them they're gonna die. Do you think the clocks industry was like?

• 52:47Travis McElroy?

  Shit. No, I don't know about all that.

• 52:49Griffin McElroy?

  I think, I understand your hang up, but uh, I think clocks make a, make a great fucking gift. Uh, and you should get our, we got all kinds of new clocks this season.

• 53:01Travis McElroy?

  This one has a cuckoo that comes out of it. That's new. You guys like that? Huh?

• 53:04Griffin McElroy?

  Has no, no one is picking up our clock catalogs off the grocery store shelves. I'm starting to get a little bit worried about this.

• 53:11Travis McElroy?

  The clock guy went home and he was like, you're right, Deborah. I should have done paintings. That would have been a better, that would have been a better wall thing. You're right.

• 53:19Griffin McElroy?

  Damn it.

• 53:20Travis McElroy?

  Question asker? Sundial.

• 53:24Griffin McElroy?

  Okay.

• 53:24Travis McElroy?

  It's completely silent.

• 53:26Griffin McElroy?

  What?

• 53:28Travis McElroy?

  You're gonna replace it.

• 53:28Griffin McElroy?

  Already. It's bought. You can't fix it with a sundial.

• 53:32Travis McElroy?

  You're gonna, okay. Gift of the manjai. I sold the grandfather clock and the pocket watch to get you this cool sundial.

• 53:39Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 53:41Travis McElroy?

  I, okay. In the gift of the manjai, once again, uh, in our series of misunderstanding the point of the gift for the manjai. I don't think they sold something belonging to their partner to get their partner a present. I'm realizing now, I, hey, I sold your car to get you this book. I don't think that that happened.

• 53:57Griffin McElroy?

  Well, no, in this case, it would be, I sold your watch to get you this watch case. Shit. That was really bad of me to do.

• 54:04Travis McElroy?

  I wasn't even thinking about it at the time.

• 54:06Griffin McElroy?

  Shit.

• 54:06Travis McElroy?

  It, do you think the first person? Said who finished reading that story, they put it down. They're like, oh, Henry, I, I, I don't think this is very good. I don't really understand it. And then, then, oh, Henry had to be like, um, it's not, it's more like everything else will relate back to this. Like you'll only kind of understand it in retrospect. Like it's only gonna make sense when other things happen that are like this. But like right now in isolation, I understand that's like, it's just kind of very sad. Like I get it. It's not a very good story.

• 54:38Griffin McElroy?

  Well, it's kind of sad. It's kind of sad.

• 54:40Travis McElroy?

  It's kind of sad, but it's like, it's not a very good story. I understand, but it'll be, be very useful story later. I created a reference point for other people. What I've done here is a huge humanity sacrifice, where I've written a weird story, but later it'll make other people's weird stories make more sense. Right. But they need this contextually as a culture. We need this story, even though I'll admit, I don't really know how to feel about it either. It's like my friend Costa wrote this story about a guy who turns into a big bug. It doesn't make any sense, but it's gonna help other things make sense later. So you're welcome.

• 55:18Griffin McElroy?

  He sells his watch to buy her combs for her hair and she sells her hair to buy him a chain for his watch.

• 55:27Travis McElroy?

  She sells seashells.

• 55:29Griffin McElroy?

  Well, no, I, she'll grow the hair back.

• 55:33Travis McElroy?

  We've talked about this at least three times.

• 55:35Griffin McElroy?

  Okay, nevermind.

• 55:36Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, well, I actually don't want to. And you know what? Luckily, we don't have to because that's, that's the end of the podcast. We've, uh, we've gotten here. Once again, I, I, just as I knew we would, you guys at the beginning were like, I don't know. How are we ever gonna do it? I was like, cut this part out later, but I inspired you for like 15 minutes. You remember?

• 55:53Griffin McElroy?

  Yeah.

• 55:54Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, man. That's cool.

• 55:55Griffin McElroy?

  I, I, I've, I've never felt so, uh, good about the work that we do. We have some new merch in the merch store over at macronmerch.com. Got a new shirt. Uh, it's a, a design with, uh, you're going to be amazing from, from Taz Balance. It was designed by, uh, Sabrina Volante. Uh, and all the proceeds from, from that shirt go to Lambda Legal and 10% of all of our merch proceeds this month will also be donated to Lambda Legal, a national organization. Working to achieve full recognition of the civil rights of LGBTQ plus people and everyone living with HIV through impact litigation, education, and public policy work. Our merch is all over at macquarie merch dot com. There's, there's a lot of stuff up there.

• 56:30Travis McElroy?

  We've also got the Make It Sick Sticky Notes by Evan Crews.

• 56:33Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, yes.

• 56:34Travis McElroy?

  Make sure you check those out.

• 56:36Griffin McElroy?

  Also, I believe we are five weeks away this week from the release of The Adventure Zone story and song graphic novel, the final.

• 56:44Travis McElroy?

  We should finish writing it.

• 56:46Griffin McElroy?

  In our series. We should finish writing it. Quick. Go to theadventurzonecomic.com. You can preorder that now. There's some special editions available at like Barnes and Noble and Books-A-Million. And they've got some, some stuff you can get for, for your order. But wherever you get it is, just, just help us out. If you think you're going to read it, preordering it helps, helps us out a great deal. Thank you to Montane for the use of our theme song, My Life Is Better With You. I, I really appreciate that Montane continues. So let us use this song. They are, they're so talented and the song absolutely rips. And just thank you.

• 57:21Travis McElroy?

  Somebody's got to throw something.

• 57:23Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:24Travis McElroy?

  Oh, I got a box.

• 57:26Griffin McElroy?

  No.

• 57:27Travis McElroy?

  Tripod. Woo, tripod.

• 57:29Griffin McElroy?

  Oh, that's a big one. Are you sure?

• 57:31Travis McElroy?

  I'm positive.

• 57:34Griffin McElroy?

  I can't wait to see where he fucking throws this thing.

• 57:37Travis McElroy?

  I don't know what he's aiming for here.

• 57:38Griffin McElroy?

  You know, you gotta hum it, right, Juice? You gotta really wang this. It's too big.

• 57:43Travis McElroy?

  Yeah, okay. I'm gonna do a water bottle flip.

• 57:49Travis McElroy?

  Do a water bottle flip?

• 57:51Griffin McElroy?

  Wait, he can't hear us. He's just throwing a case at his phone.

• 57:55Griffin McElroy?

  Wow, that was a fuck.

• 57:56Travis McElroy?

  I'm Travis McRoy.

• 57:58Griffin McElroy?

  I'm Griffin McRoy.

• 57:59Speaker 06

  This has been my brother, my brother, my brother, kiss your dad's square on the lips.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.