Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome (feat. Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini)

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Pre-Order Sam's New Book 'BRUT' @ https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/787018/brut-by-sam-tallent/ Support Chubby Behemoth @ https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth Go See Sam Live @ https://punchup.live/samtallent Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Come to Optimum Noctis Tonight! @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimumnoctis Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want @ https://www.shawngardini.com/live hello everybody. Hope you all had a good Easter weekend. We got Sammy T at the podez for the cast this week. It's always nice when Sam's in town. He cracked us up ... literally hahahahahahahhahaha. Get his new book. Go see him on the road. Go See Matt on the road. Go see Shang on the road. Please enjoy. God Bless. Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! p.s. we may have a special surprise for next week. shhhh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Wow, wow, Wes.

• 0:02Speaker 01

  Nice and long, like I'm your lover. Breathe in. Breathe out nice and long.

• 0:11Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 0:11Speaker 01

  Got it all.

• 0:12Speaker 00

  It sounded like the whole spine cracked.

• 0:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was nice. You got the top there. It was right in my hunch.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  I'll take one.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Right in my hunch. Take a crack here.

• 0:22Speaker 01

  So here, let's go loose some hands. There you go, over.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  You let, you let the hands loose, you don't have to grab one. Okay, now breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Nope. Too tight. You're fucking tall meat.

• 0:47Speaker 00

  Too tight.

• 0:47Speaker 01

  You're not Rigatoni Tony.

• 0:50Speaker 00

  I'm too stout as sponge. Hello. Are we fired up? Oh, hell yeah. Perfect. All right. Beautiful. Well, yeah, I'm, I, uh, the first time I went to an escape room, I was like pure Da Vinci Code, going like too deep into the details where I'm like counting the branch, like the leaves on the fake tree.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  The, I did the paneling on the, on the wood grain. I was like, there's something in the grain.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  They're like, no, there's just like a series of pegs in the wall. If you take one out, you're like, oh, okay. Well, fuck it. If I knew it was like for dumbasses.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  We were in there for an hour, dude, with all of my wife's like second year medical school class and like time ran out and I was like, okay, well, we didn't get out of the room, you know, a big deal. And then the doctors are like, can we see the rest of it? And I was like, rest of it? There was like 12 more rooms in there. We didn't even get into.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:37Speaker 01

  And then like the lady who runs, it's like, did you check this drawer? And everyone was like, no, but we did like take a duct off the fucking ceiling and like, I, we pulled up this rug that was actually like nailed down. Oh, hey, I should have checked this drawer. The key's in there. So embarrassing.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Did you guys ask for hints?

• 1:53Speaker 01

  No, I, I would love to hint.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:55Speaker 01

  But no, I'm in there with young doctors.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, they won't do it.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Of, you know, a lot of like, uh, first generation Americans in there.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  True.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Communication issues abound.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  True.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  And then just a bunch of like beaten men who were like, oh, I like football too, you know, like hus- like the husbands of female doctors.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:12Speaker 01

  We need a support group, bro.

• 2:13Speaker 00

  I, I would, I would agree. I dated a doctor briefly and I remember her being very intense.

• 2:17Speaker 01

  Oh, dude.

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Like specifically around like, I remember her being like a little bit kind of like. In a funk one day and I was like, you know, basically the problem was she just had the wrong answer in class. And I was like, that's it. And she was like, dude, it's like humiliating in that school to get the wrong answer. I was like, dude, that sucks.

• 2:33Speaker 01

  Oh, it's never ending.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  I had like a 10% hit rate in class. I was wrong all the time. Yeah. Where they'd be like, uh, no, no, not, not exactly. No. And I'd be like, all right, well, I participated. That's for my grade. I'm good. I'm a good student.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  I tried. I'm like the rest of the cowards in here. You're holding the book upside down. At least I did the reading.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  I was big on that. I would, I would really fire up because there is like a weird tension in school where like no one will like raise their hand first and take a stab. And I would, I would take a stab.

• 3:01Speaker 01

  Now imagine heightening that with a bunch of people who were like first in their class and then first in their class again in college. And now they're all in one room competing for like, you know, the prowess and the prestige of being like the number one nerds.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Smart. Yeah.

• 3:13Speaker 01

  And then you get like three cocktails in them and they're in an escape room and it's just all this shit coming out. The hierarchy is on display. The bureaucracy is there. Like you see who's like actually, who people were looking to as like the leader.

• 3:24Speaker 00

  Yeah. You're watching like an Indian woman, like the father, her father's love leave her mind and she like fails to get the clue.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  She's like flashing back to Holly Fest and when she was 13, she's covered in colorful chalk. She's like, why aren't I there? I could have sold mangoes. I'd have been free. Now I'm in Henderson, Nevada.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. I wonder, I wonder when the, uh, what, what generation will the Indian and Chinese rebel against the like academic strictures of the culture?

• 3:50Speaker 02

  I think we're getting there right now.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  That's where Shenyuan is.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, shoot. And I love Shenyuan.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  We're tired of being doctors. We want to flip around.

• 3:56Speaker 02

  I always laugh to you about following Shenyuan like the Grateful Dead and just going to all the cities.

• 4:01Speaker 01

  Selling grilled cheeses. Selling dumplings in the parking lot. Looking for a miracle. Yeah. I want an Asbury Park Shenyuan ticket.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  I'm excited to get just, you get old enough to see some like American bred Asian punks.

• 4:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  Just like, you know, like the cool Japanese guys in like Tokyo Drift who were like, oh, you think you could beat me in a race?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  We're getting there.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  We are getting there?

• 4:24Speaker 02

  I think so. I went to high school with some of them, especially Indians. Indians.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  I call them like, they love the Miami heat.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  They love LeBron James. They, they like really. Attach themselves to black culture.

• 4:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  Coca Cola.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Marlboro Reds.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  Hamburgers.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. They just love advertising that they saw in Lebanon. Uh, there's like, I don't know, but they're not actually like punk rockers with like, you know, Mohawks and stuff. But like, I do think there's like the young, at least they're on Detroit. There's like the young Indian, Middle Eastern type guy who like has the all black like sweats on with flip flops all the time.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  So they're not like, you know, like I like to listen to Crass and Huff Glue, but they are kind of like, hey, mom, I'm just gonna like smoke this vape cart and like be online all day. And that's their rebellion instead of like studying like their sisters did.

• 5:10Speaker 00

  True.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  So I don't think it's gonna be like this, like big like pushback, fuck you, rock and roll flag burning.

• 5:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  It's more just like this, like quiet, like.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  Okay. Like that kind of pissiness to your mom?

• 5:20Speaker 00

  They're, they're just not, they're not just getting down with the, but then those guys, they end up driving Uber like 99 hours a week. So they end up like getting it one way or the other.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Literally a hundred hours a week.

• 5:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude, it's crazy. They'll pick you up and they're like, yeah, you're like my 19th ride. I'm like, dude, it's 6 a.m.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  I know.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Like, well, I get up at 3 a.m. and then I pick people up and then I switch to the Lyft app because it cuts me off after 12 hours.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Right.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  It's just like, bro.

• 5:39Speaker 01

  I figured out how to drive 26 hours straight. What hour am I? 25. Their eyes are cake. They look like fingernails.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  I've been to the airport 12 times today.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Dude, it's, yeah, those, those like lifer Uber drivers that have just completely cracked the code. I'm always, they always like, kind of freaked me out a little bit. I'm like, dude, I made like four grand this week. I'm like, fucking hell.

• 6:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  They're grinding.

• 6:01Speaker 01

  By breaking all the rules.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Like, I feel like those dudes who have like the Uber hacks and they drive forever, like that is like their first financial freedom and they're really stoked on it. And then you get in the car and you ask them one question and then they like show you like all the YouTube videos that they watch to figure out how to like maximize their time. It's like your whole life is being a car drone.

• 6:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Like you've optimized your human form to get, you're a Waymo.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 01

  Yes. Which is what you used to call the kids, right? Couple of Waymos here, watch your purses.

• 6:33Speaker 00

  No, now Waymos are here.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  And the, and the, uh, what, what, the Tesla ones, the Tesla bots or whatever?

• 6:38Speaker 02

  The Tesla ones, I think are still learning.

• 6:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 6:42Speaker 02

  Like they have to be driven and there's another brand that's still learning and has to be driven. And and someone else said this, but it's funny because the people who drive them are just regular people. So they pick up on like bad driving habits like they like roll red lights and things like that.

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've been peeping the Waymos are getting aggressive.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  I I've been seeing those things drive and they'll like if someone stops they'll like whip it around and go around them and in the you know, I got like not cut off by one, but I was like, oh, it's designed to let me go. Like I I figured like if you play chicken with the thing, it's just gonna let you go. So I went to cut and it was just like, and I was like, oh, shit. Okay.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  There's a ghost in the machine.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  I think there is a ghost in the machine.

• 7:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:18Speaker 01

  In San Francisco, they're just getting torched all the time.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Really?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  I was at Cobb's like last weekend and they were just dudes talking about like their friends going out with like homemade Molotovs and smashing them on Waymos.

• 7:29Speaker 00

  My thing is like, why?

• 7:30Speaker 01

  I don't know. I have no idea. Uh, it's like the Pokemon Go phenomenon where like they mapped entire cities for free because they put Snorlax's in weird places.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, true.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, so it's like, who owns this?

• 7:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  Like, who knows the alleys that I take every day?

• 7:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:44Speaker 01

  You're gonna put a fucking slowpoke in there?

• 7:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's also like your phone, we've you've mapped, I I would agree, you've probably mapped everything in your phone.

• 7:51Speaker 01

  I think I think they have everything of me.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  And I willingly consented and given it to him because I didn't want to read any terms of service.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  TLDR.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  Fuck that, bro.

• 8:00Speaker 00

  The terms of service are crazy.

• 8:01Speaker 01

  I want the thing that puts the face on the dog.

• 8:03Speaker 00

  Also, you can still read the terms of service and then you still have to click yes. There's still nothing. Have you actually read them? It's a complete waste of time.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  Right. You print them off, you like redline them, send them back to their lawyer.

• 8:14Speaker 00

  You can't call your lawyer and be like, yeah, let's let our people talk for a little bit.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Right, yeah, let's hammer this out.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Let's figure out this deal. I'm making a deal with Apple right now.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  You just have to select it, be like, yeah, sure.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, or you're just like, you're not a part of society. Like this whole like, uh, social credit course score thing. It's like they haven't implemented that, but like we all have to have the exact same stuff or you're not allowed to participate.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  In like the human day.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:37Speaker 01

  So it's like, dude, I just want to succeed, man. I'd love to just pull out, live in like one of the lesser keys down in Florida, be like a crab man.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  Damn, that'd be nice.

• 8:46Speaker 01

  Just be like burnt all the time.

• 8:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:48Speaker 01

  Die at 58, unhappy, like outside death, no one finds you for a while.

• 8:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:53Speaker 01

  That's what I want. I want like a metal detector death, dude. Just out there like crows eating your eyes, you know, your wife's like, you died doing what you love.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Keys, going in the keys would be nice, just unplugging. Although you'd be in the key, I'd be in the keys, I'd have a little margaritas, I'd be on Facebook being like, bro, fucking Trump kicks ass. It would eventually, you gotta have some faith in the big man, everybody.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  Revert.

• 9:15Speaker 01

  Are you pulling it up? Thank you.

• 9:16Speaker 00

  Can't stop producing. Wow.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  This is the kid. I mean, we came up on him and he was, he was a pit crew outside. One man.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  I know.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  Changing his tires.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  He had low PSI.

• 9:25Speaker 01

  Keep moving it the whole time. Whoa, hey.

• 9:29Speaker 00

  Really worked that thing, man.

• 9:30Speaker 01

  God, I'd hate to see we do your penis. That's how you treat this. You're probably, you're probably.

• 9:36Speaker 00

  That's good stuff. I like that, man. I like that. Fucking not, that's the thing. A lot of people don't have the gumption to interrupt the live broadcast.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Right.

• 9:43Speaker 00

  For Texas Cal.

• 9:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, to just, to grab this thing like it was a snake that popped out of a hat.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  I had to.

• 9:50Speaker 01

  No, I appreciate that. Are we good over there? Yeah. Okay.

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Sorry, Val.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  The producer's high on ketamine, so. She's been raving for 36 hours straight.

• 10:01Speaker 00

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• 10:29Speaker 01

  I like that Denver squad.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  You like that Denver squad?

• 10:32Speaker 01

  I like, I like the, the players on the Denver squad.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  I like them too.

• 10:35Speaker 01

  And I like when they, I like, yes. I don't know if we're allowed to say that, but.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  You can say that.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah. Well, I'm a big Denver Nuggets guy and I'm, I'm excited for what they're gonna do in the playoffs.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  I'm actually, that's, that was actually my pick. That was my take as well. So I agree that we're in agree, I like that we're in agreement with that.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  We're kismet.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  They're high fly, I like their high-flying hoops action.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  I cannot get enough of that slam dunk, mama jamma.

• 10:55Speaker 00

  Let's go.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  He's heating up.

• 10:57Speaker 00

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• 11:37Speaker 00

  I watched a, I would say delightful video today. You know the, um, you know that like that debate format? 20 verse one?

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Or like where you're like circled where it's like one person, you're surrounded by people who disagree with you. Classic debate form.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:51Speaker 00

  The conversation, yeah, the conversational bukkake. But dude, it was Julian Michaels. I sent it to Sean. It was Julian Michaels versus 20 either obese or obese, supporting body positive like therapists and stuff.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:06Speaker 00

  And first of all, the, the worst part about it was in that format, it's like whoever gets to talk has to race to the chair.

• 12:11Speaker 01

  Right.

• 12:12Speaker 00

  So like Julian Michaels is sitting, Julian Michaels is sitting there. He's like, all right, first one to get there. You just watch. Everyone's getting up and trying to go over.

• 12:19Speaker 01

  It's like feeding time at the hippo tank. They threw a bunch of pumpkins down.

• 12:23Speaker 02

  The audio, the audio just.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Chairs exploding.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  Just, just to express fat attitude, basically.

• 12:30Speaker 01

  They should have had them in like, like bean bags.

• 12:34Speaker 01

  People like rocking out of there.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  They should have like dizzy bags.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  I'm healthy.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  They had to argue with this lady that, and apparently then, so she was using obese, which I thought was like respectful, being obesity. And the one lady's like, excuse me, it's fat bodied. That's the new term. It's fat bodied. It's fat bodied. That's the new acceptable term.

• 12:54Speaker 01

  I've been called fat bodied and it wasn't very inclusive or nice. I've been called fat bodied in various public pools and it didn't feel good.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm a fat bodied adult. No.

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Bodied is so funny. They're like, we don't obese. It's fat bodied.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Hey, man, please respectfully, I'm fat bodied. I know. I can see you. I was trying to be nice.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  AKA fat.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm a wad. I'm a blob, whatever you want, but don't be mean to me about it.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  It was, it was just great. It was just as like, you know, super fitness lady being like, bro, I'm not like mad you guys are fat. It's just, I'm coming here of the opinion that it's like unhealthy at a certain point to have excess fat in your body. Like, like that's, she was explaining like, that's what fatty liver is. It's like fat itself isn't bad, but if you have too much or whatever, it can start to like turn into something bad. I don't know, whatever.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  It like metastasizes and becomes like a foreign body. And then if you have too much fat, I think, as I'm a chiropractor, as I showed on you earlier. I think that your body, if it gets on, fat gets on an organ, it'll start attacking it like cancer.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:56Speaker 01

  And like heart disease can be elements of that.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Your brain?

• 13:58Speaker 01

  Your brain, dude. They're always talking about how Alzheimer's is like type three, like diabetes.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  I didn't know I could get fat in my brain.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Oh dude, I got fat head since day one. And like as a guy who's like still fat, but was much more fat, like fat acceptance is so dangerous.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Because like, I don't know dude, you're allowing these people who have like let like, you know, have lost control. It's a loss of control. It's a physiology thing. It's, it's a lot of different elements, but you've lost the battle.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  And then we're just supposed to be like, hey, it's cool.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  And I guess if they're making the choice, like if it is a slow form of suicide, then like you have to embrace it like that's man's only option is to kill himself or like have a cigarette or whatever.

• 14:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 01

  So like, I just don't think that normalizing it is like ultimately going to help the little fat kids. Because like shaming a little fat kid, that's what got me running laps before school.

• 14:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:44Speaker 01

  Was that you could see my tits through my shirt.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  Dude, my mom shamed me my whole life. Even today, if I go home and if I get in the pool in the summertime, if I put on weight, my mom will be like, you've gotten fat.

• 14:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:54Speaker 00

  She'll just right up, she'll be like, yeah, you damn, you're getting fat. And I'll, I'll be like, alright.

• 14:57Speaker 01

  You get it too?

• 14:58Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  What hope is there for me then? I was looking at you on stage last night. You were like a Brooks Brothers model with your fucking great hair. You're making all these cool moves and like you're filling out the shirt and I was like, yeah, maybe I could like do traps. What are traps?

• 15:10Speaker 00

  That was just my mom. That was my mom. Either on my mommies, either I'm a little shameful fat boy or my mommy's muscle man. I try to be my mommy's muscle man every year.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  You've always been mommy's muscle man, haven't you? You have that energy.

• 15:22Speaker 00

  Big dick muscle man.

• 15:25Speaker 01

  Pylon.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  I think I crushed in comments because my neck is, it's chubby.

• 15:30Speaker 01

  It's because you have thirty beers a day.

• 15:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. Pretty much.

• 15:34Speaker 01

  You're gonna get pumpkin face.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  I try to do fifty, you know, cut the beers down.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  You've been doing intuitive drinking. That's part of body positivity.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Intuitive.

• 15:42Speaker 01

  Put a blindfold on? Make a cocktail?

• 15:45Speaker 00

  Well, they talk about, dude, it's actually kind of crazy. So, you know, she's just arguing with all these people and they're like, and it's just like, well, hold on, let me compose myself. I came from that chair over there.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  And I say this with empathy. I'm a big fat guy. I understand the plight, but.

• 16:02Speaker 00

  I was a fat kid. It's like, you know, it's tough. You get teased and all stuff and people pinch your fat nipples and yell and laugh at you.

• 16:10Speaker 01

  Bean dipping, bro. You been bean dipped recently?

• 16:13Speaker 00

  No.

• 16:13Speaker 01

  Dude, the former owner of the Springfield Comedy Club, when we were down there last time, Nathan Lund goes onstage, he's like, hey, knock him dead, sack taps Lund. Sack tapped him right before he's walking up. So Lund's walking onstage like, oh, fuck.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  Oh, that's brutal.

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Like, the first two minutes of his set, we're like, yeah, the owner just sack tapped me? He's like, on the balls of his toes, you know, that one to shake him out?

• 16:33Speaker 00

  That's crazy.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  And then he bean dipped me. He bean dipped me before I walked on, me, the headliner. I've known him for 12 years. I was the only guy who worked this club before, you know, you got the settlement money or whatever. You're gonna fucking flap my flapjacks on the way up?

• 16:47Speaker 00

  I mean, also, how did that affect you psychologically?

• 16:49Speaker 01

  I wanted to be on fire. I wanted to grab him after he flapped me and jumped down the stairs. I wanted to be a human bomb, bro. I went up there and I was mad. And like, the first 15 minutes, I watched the tape, first 15 minutes, I'm like, finding shit to be mad at onstage? And Lund also did the funny bit of, I just got sack tapped, so I can't walk up and be like, hey, he bean dipped me, folks. That was humiliating.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  You'd have to rebean dip yourself to like, because some people wouldn't know what it was.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  You'd have to, yeah.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  You'd have to.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  Illustrate. You'd have to flap your own jugs.

• 17:17Speaker 00

  And now you're reactivated.

• 17:19Speaker 01

  Right, yeah. Now you're back in the stairwell getting, you know, it's irresistible. No, irreversible. Yeah.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, it was great, man. It was really, um, it was a good display of just what we deal with now, of just being like, if I get angry enough at you and convince you you're a horrible person based on just my own emotions, I'm right. And it was just 20 people being like, you're actually a huge piece of shit. And she's like, why? And she's like, because it's just not fair for you to say that to a fat bodied person. It'd be telling other fat people going, yeah, this is a sign of just like, we're all full of shit, but.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Because this would exhaust them.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  A bunch of Japanese tourists come because they think they're gonna feed seals.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  But yeah, I'm not, I'm not fat body phobic at all.

• 18:00Speaker 01

  I'm not either. I have many fat friends. I'm a fat guy.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Not fat body phobic, but yeah, it is.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  You were nice to me. I swam in the pool last year. No one said, hey, look at those drugs.

• 18:07Speaker 00

  Cause I was a fat kid. I remember.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  You get it, man.

• 18:09Speaker 00

  I remember the torment, dude. My nickname was Thunder Thighs, dude. Still to this day.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  You fill out this pants.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Dude, my thighs are fucking crazy, dude.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  So you got a third thigh right there. You holding Sharky and his piece for him?

• 18:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, right, bro. That's just, that's my prosthetic.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  Well, what the fuck? We, we witnessed the death. We witnessed the death of like ethos in logos and now it's all pathos. This is the emotional thing. We were supposed to make arguments. Pathos was like the last vestige of a bad orator. So like you were supposed to then, if you weren't like making your points, you're supposed to be then emotional and big and do all the tricks. Cause you couldn't get there with the ethics of it or the logic of it. And now it's just all pathos.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:46Speaker 01

  And you've got like, you know,

• 18:50Speaker 01

  huge people arguing with a woman for like, so mean guys can watch it online.

• 18:55Speaker 00

  Literally, all the comments are just people laughing, being like, dude, running to the chairs hilarious. Yeah. It is, it is pretty fucking funny.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  And they knew what they were doing. They knew.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  I know. They, uh, 1,000% know it's just, this is a spectacle. They're not going to get to anything. Dude, they even had a thing on like the, uh, big snack companies, like, you know, Frito-Lay's, all this stuff, Pepsi. They, they're, uh, there was like an investigative, you know, journalism thing, an article, where they had internal, internal company memos of being like, why it's, why body positivity is good. Cause they were like, you know, like certain points of it, like intuitive eating was one. Intuitive eating, make sure that we, we don't like, you know, our snacks don't come under fire. This thing, body positivity, calorie count. There's a part of it where it's like, get calories off of stuff. Cause like, we know that's, that's like kinda shameful and like, why should I have to be, like, why should I have to be reminded of how many calories? It's pretty fucking nuts.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  So we have to exist in a world just bereft of anything that makes sense.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  Like we, because people don't want to know that like that entire bag of Fritos has 1,200 calories. They're gonna eat it anyway.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  And Pepsi's like pushing it, being like, yeah, actually this is, this is very important for the body positivity. Cause they just want to keep everyone going and munching.

• 20:02Speaker 01

  It's like how they put protein on Pop-Tarts now. And it's like, oh, okay. So me on GLP-1, I can eat Pop-Tarts and still go to the beach. Fucking joke and everyone's just like, yeah, it's crazy. And then we're just back on our phones.

• 20:15Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 20:16Speaker 01

  Like, we're so cooked.

• 20:17Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Dude, I'm not cooked. I'm not cooked. You're not cooked. We gotta maintain the fucking light in the dark, bro.

• 20:22Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 20:23Speaker 01

  We can't give in.

• 20:24Matt McCusker?

  No, you can't. It's so hard not to, though.

• 20:25Speaker 01

  I know. It's so hard not to just be like, pull out that white flag and start jerking off. Yeah, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get high at 8 a.m. Who cares?

• 20:33Matt McCusker?

  My nipples with the.

• 20:34Speaker 04

  This episode is brought to you by Quince.

• 20:37Matt McCusker?

  Nice.

• 20:37Speaker 04

  What do you know about Quince?

• 20:38Matt McCusker?

  I love Quince. I'll be, I'll be honest. They sent me the stuff and I, their boxers, they use like cot, like regular materials. Not a lot of polyesters, natural fibers. I'm a big fan.

• 20:49Speaker 04

  Well, not everyone wants to spend forever on the perfect look. Quince gets that. It's why they make staple pieces for your wardrobe that go with pretty much anything, man. They're, uh, they're really easy to style and they feel great to wear because they're also made with premium materials, including, like you said, organic cotton, merino wool. There's even 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at just $60. That's, I mean, talk about a deal.

• 21:14Matt McCusker?

  It's pretty crazy.

• 21:15Speaker 04

  That's a bargain.

• 21:16Matt McCusker?

  Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was Matt and Shane's secret podcast. It's the best way to support the show.

• 21:39Speaker 01

  White flag? Yeah, I like how you, what you brought up, uh, your wife like jerking you off. He's like, he's like lick my nipples. Yeah. And Britt made a funny noise across the balcony. She came on stage last night. She went like, all right, baby. Yeah.

• 21:53Matt McCusker?

  That's awesome. I was participating.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. I've never heard my wife on stage, except for the one time she heckled me in Key West. So.

• 22:01Matt McCusker?

  What did she say?

• 22:02Speaker 01

  Oh dude, I was doing some, I asked a woman, my wife, we went on like a wine cruise before the show.

• 22:07Matt McCusker?

  Awesome.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  So it was like, we had like 12 bottles of wine in like an hour, you know? My wife gets there and she's like a pirate, like one eyed, you know? And like she met some gal on the cruise. She's like, come on the show. It'll be fun. So they like sit her down and I hear in the back of the room talking during the middle. And I'm like, I go up to her and I'm like, hey, baby, you know, we're having fun. You know, that's like as much as you can say. Like I'm over there trying to like diffuse a fucking bomb before I go on stage and entertain. Hey, honey, you know, it's fun to have fun, right?

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Hey, I'm at work, you know, but I am, I really am. This is my whole thing.

• 22:40Speaker 01

  So I go up on stage and I was, I don't know, I was doing crowd work. It was two rival boat crews were there. So like, and like they both hated the same captain. So I like made fun of one boat crew and then this boat crew like joined in making fun. And I was like, oh, well, hey, you guys are a different boat crew. And then this boat crew's like, correct, you know? So it's kind of chaos.

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:57Speaker 01

  Then I asked a woman in the crowd, I don't know, I was drunk too. I asked a woman, I was like, have you ever been pregnant? Which is an insane question to ask. Insane question. But again, I'm doing triage comedy and I know there's a ticking time bomb in the back and she is wearing my wedding ring. So I was like, hey, you ever been pregnant? And I hear someone in the back go, you have no right to ask her that. And I say, that sounds like my wife. And she says, it was. Oh, no. Like, what am I supposed to do?

• 23:22Speaker 00

  It's dude and yeah.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  I just bombed.

• 23:24Speaker 00

  It's a tough spot. And it's also like, I don't know, part of me feels like the crowd would be excited like, wait, his wife's here?

• 23:29Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  But they don't. Yeah. They're kind of like, whoa, what the fuck's going on right now?

• 23:32Speaker 01

  What if she is like his nurse too? She doesn't trust him? They have to do the road together because he cheats? Yeah, they just project right away.

• 23:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, dude. Wait, what? Is that real? Yeah. No, I've, I've, yeah. I, I've had it before where Brittany will also take it upon her, she doesn't do this anymore. But like when I first started headlining, she would come sometimes and people would talk, she would like go up like a bouncer and be like, hey, be quiet at your table. And people be drunk and be like, shut the fuck up. Then I was on stage, one time that happened and I'm on stage and I was already like battling with this guy. And she had at some point been like, hey, keep it down. And he said something back to her and I heard her just be like, excuse me? And I was like on stage like, what the fuck did you say, dude? And like just the whole crowd was like, why? I don't want, it was, they were like a dysfunctional family party. They're just like, this is uncomfortable. Oh dude, what the fuck you said? Fucking white.

• 24:20Speaker 00

  It's just like ultimate white trash.

• 24:21Speaker 01

  I know we're joking around, but I'll fuck you up right now.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Waymos are weird, aren't they folks?

• 24:27Speaker 00

  Well, I tried to have him come on stage, like come on stage. Like I was like, here's my cool moment. I'm going to like destroy this guy. He came up without a mic and was like, dude, you're fucking gay. And I couldn't talk. And I was like, get the fuck off the stage, dude. What a nightmare. It was the worst. Everything bad happened. It was, uh, then I got my check and it was way less than I expected. Yeah. And I was like, man, I really hate myself right now. I really hate my life.

• 24:49Speaker 01

  Oh, I just mortgaged my soul for $500. All right. Brittany leaves with him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he walks out holding her hand. He still had to do 40 minutes.

• 24:58Speaker 00

  He had like a tailored leather jacket. It was like perfect sleeve length.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  Where was it? I don't remember.

• 25:04Speaker 00

  Cursed Phoenix, it was cursed Phoenix.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Cursed.

• 25:07Speaker 00

  Cursed Phoenix, me and Phoenix, I've been hexing the Phoenix market my whole life.

• 25:10Speaker 01

  Cause it's all 22 year olds.

• 25:12Speaker 00

  Is that what it is?

• 25:12Speaker 01

  It's all kids. If you do that Tempe club, it's like on the college campus. Cause I did, I did one Phoenix room and this last time I went down there and it was just a bunch of like kids with backwards hats, just like wearing shorts like, all right, bro. And I was like, fuck. I'm gonna talk to you guys about like being married and honesty. This sucks.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I did, I did a bunch of marriage material at Skank Fest last year and I was like, eh, I was doing the math. I'm like, I don't know if this is landing here. This is, yeah, it's a bunch of like poly gas station employees.

• 25:38Speaker 01

  Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's a lot of those ladies who get like that weird like hair extension that's pink and then they have to carry it all day. Have you seen this phenomenon? You know what I'm talking, you're a rave person, you know what I'm talking about.

• 25:47Speaker 00

  I don't know what that is.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  It's like, it's like a purple, like fucking like predator tail. I, I think I do know. They plug it into the back of their head. It's like an extension, but it looks like one big like dreadlock like thing. And it's so long that they have to like carry it around and they're like Daffy Duck sweatpants at the, at the Buc-E's.

• 26:03Speaker 00

  What?

• 26:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 26:04Speaker 00

  Is it one long purple braid?

• 26:06Speaker 01

  Purple, pink, it could be a menagerie of colors.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Damn, that's fucking weird.

• 26:09Speaker 01

  And again, this could be a more of a Detroit specific phenomenon.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  No, no, well, I, uh, I recently did like a very Gen Z kind of show. It was, uh, if you laugh, you leave. And that was like, I got there and, oh, there, okay. Well, that's kinda like that, I'm not gonna lie, but.

• 26:24Speaker 01

  You could put it in your butt when you get home.

• 26:28Speaker 01

  But it's just like one.

• 26:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, just boom, right in the back.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  And you can see them like, you know, if their kids act up being like, you've had enough fun dip.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  And just fucking whipping them with it, you know? You agree with your braid?

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:38Speaker 00

  I didn't show.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  More Buddy's Pizza.

• 26:41Speaker 00

  The uh, the crowd was for real like, there was a furry in the crowd. There was like gay guys dressed as like Count Dracula. It was, they were all like wearing like-

• 26:49Speaker 01

  Typo negatives.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  It was fucking, it's like, yeah. It was just weird, man. It was like, it was like young, young, very internet kind of internet heavy kids that were just like dressed bizarrely.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Dude.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  Like, they were dressed like sprites and like fairies. It was really fucking weird.

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:06Speaker 00

  And they were just like, they looked like anytime you would say anything like slightly, they weren't like super sensitive, but they would just be like, oh, if you would say anything like kind of weird or fucked up.

• 27:15Speaker 01

  Well, their filter is just like, their entire life, they've just been like in this pool of like human shame and how to identify it.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 01

  It's like young people and they like, when you hit them with a joke, they're like, trying to like turn it into like the neutrinos of how to be mad at you. I feel, you know, like it's just like going through this like sieve and it's like dissipating across their face.

• 27:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 01

  Like, okay, he said trans and I'm not gonna listen to the rest of the joke.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's bizarre, dude.

• 27:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, like what does this mean about me? They're like, oh.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  I do the meet and greets like after all the shows and sell the merch and I see the kids come up and they're getting so young.

• 27:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  And I don't know why. Must be like Kill Tony or like Hive, whatever it is. I always try and figure it out. Like they're so young and they're stoked and like they're stoned as fuck.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:55Speaker 01

  And they come up and they're like, alright. You're like, okay. Then they put my fucking armpit on their shoulder and take a picture and they can't say a word. Yeah, kids, man.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  I get a lot of, I get like a decent amount of Coke bros.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  A lot of Coke. They come up and their pupils are like that big, like, dude, that was fucking amazing. Me and my boy have this business and it's fucking crazy. You gotta check it out.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Yeah. And they went to the bathroom three times during the show. Yeah, dude. I hate the guys that go to the bathroom. They're clearly geeked on either Ket or Coke. And then at the merch line, they're like, bro, that was the best. And it's like, you were gone for 22 minutes. You weren't in there.

• 28:28Speaker 00

  You were in the bathroom with three of your friends during half my set.

• 28:30Speaker 01

  And the only person who's aware of it and secretly mad is me, the man you compliment. The man that you paid to see.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, I watched the whole thing.

• 28:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, you didn't.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Dude, that, uh, yeah, that, that thing you're talking about of like, people being completely disconnected from reality and having like no basis to like, uh, like the pathos and whatever ethos. I'm reading a book right now by this guy, Alastair McIntyre.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 28:53Speaker 00

  It's called After Virtue and he wrote it like, I think in the sixties. And he basically goes back. So here, this is the, it starts off, it's crazy. So he, this is his thing. It's called like the, the big problem. And he was like, imagine a world where like something bad happens and we just completely dismantle science. We were like, fuck science, fuck scientists. We kill scientists, we burn all the labs down. So science has been completely eradicated. It's just, it's no more.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  Library of Alexandria burnt down worldwide.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Exactly. And then every, and then we come, you know, a few hundred years later, people go, ah, fuck, yeah, that's actually, maybe that wasn't the problem. Let's, let's fire science back up. But all they're left with are like the book, the broken pieces of what science once was. So they're like resurrecting bits and pieces of this once like comprehensive body of knowledge. And then they, all they can do is try to use the bits and pieces to like, basically gain themselves an advantage with like, it's like a half understanding of a thing. And they try to like, use those to like, basically promote their own kind of agenda.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  It's kind of like me having any argument with anyone.

• 29:48Speaker 00

  Well, that's what it's all.

• 29:49Speaker 01

  I have like three shards and I'm like, well, actually I saw a 30 second video that said different.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  So that's, and that's, well, he goes like, you know, that, that's where we are with like moral debate now. Like we've, we've completely shattered the foundation of it. And it's just people with bits and pieces who have feelings.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 30:03Speaker 00

  Who just want to be right and want you to agree with them.

• 30:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  And he's like, that's just kind of where we're at. And, uh,

• 30:08Speaker 01

  I mean, Hitler was really good at that too.

• 30:09Speaker 00

  Who's nasty.

• 30:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, like all those guys who like moved people to commit awful were really good at fucking moving the crowd.

• 30:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:15Speaker 01

  Communicating without any kind of like logic behind it. And it's literally people looking and being like, that guy's good.

• 30:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I like that guy.

• 30:21Speaker 01

  I'm gonna vote for that guy. He's loud.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  Guys get me charged up.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  But that's, that was his whole thing. He like takes all these like big debates in our time and he's like, we'll never get to the bottom of them. Like he's like abortion. He's like, it's just two different people being like, well, let me, let me tell you the facts of the matter. I'm, I'm objective here. You're complete. And they, and people to sit there and argue and then essentially you go, the argument's like, you're a piece of shit. And if you agree with. Me, you'd be good.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Right.

• 30:46Speaker 00

  He's like, that's, that's what we're left with.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  You try to scold them into agreeing with you, which is historically one of the worst ways to move the needle at all.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:53Speaker 01

  Is to try and demean and make small.

• 30:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, no, the book, the book is cool. He, uh, basically talked, he's like the, the, the, from his, you know, point of view. And it's, it's like really complicated. I had to get like a book about the book to understand it. Cause it is kind of like dense.

• 31:07Speaker 01

  You're listening to like the succession podcast after the episode for your book.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Pretty much.

• 31:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:12Speaker 00

  But he's like, it's, it's so, it goes so far back to where like, he was like, we've, we've had like a series of things happen within like, you know, from like Aristotle, all the way to post-modernism at like points where we like, we, you know, we, we ditched the Aristotle point of view, which I don't fully understand, but it's more or less just like a guy who's like undogmatic about like, you know, he doesn't have like, uh, influences of the church, just like the ancient Greeks looking around like, what is the sickest thing I could do for myself? That would increase the stoke for the collective and myself at the same time.

• 31:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  Then you have the church come in, it's like, well dude, if you come, you're evil.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  So then everyone got this like weird thing where they're like, oh, the, the, what's good is like kind of an external authority that I have to kind of obey. And then that got shattered to where it's like, no, man, just do whatever you feel.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  Right.

• 31:55Speaker 00

  So now you're just, you have these like completely kind of unrelated, contextless people, just like having emotional reactions and trying to like police others to like, regulate their own emotions.

• 32:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. Trying to control this world. It's complete chaos.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  And like, we all have our own reality that originates from this thing.

• 32:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  And then we're just like little nation states wandering around bumping into people.

• 32:13Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  You know, it's like, there's no community, there's no connectedness. It's really scary. I was telling him to fucking join a bowling league, I think. Or no, it was that Dylan kid. I was like, get back to bowling, bro.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 32:22Speaker 01

  We need to find something.

• 32:24Speaker 00

  That's, that's kind of, that's kind of the thing. He's like, we gotta strip it down to like the smallest, tiniest communities and get those things to work. And then from there you can kind of branch out. Cause he's like, yeah.

• 32:32Speaker 01

  Pretty much the tenants of anarchy, but.

• 32:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, pretty much.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  I love you love voting buddy.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  I love you. You love systems of coercion. But it's funny. It's funny. He's basically like, we're so far gone that even like, like the, the, the things have become so distorted that even if you like, go to school for philosophies, like you're basically just kind of jerking yourself off because the tools you're using are just like, just complete chaos. None of it makes sense. There's no context, anything.

• 32:56Speaker 01

  It's just like regurgitating facts that some other guy, and it's also funny because like in philosophy, like there's no truths, you know, it's like people like arguing for their like objective truth or whatever. So it's like, kind of like with comedy, where you're like, how do I like make it in comedy? And there's like no playbook whatsoever. And we're all just like, kind of chasing this like imaginary tale.

• 33:13Speaker 00

  Well, you post your episode every day at 2pm on Wednesday and that treats.

• 33:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:16Speaker 00

  Gets the algorithm.

• 33:17Speaker 01

  A hundred percent. It gets juiced. Yeah.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  But no, it's exactly that.

• 33:21Speaker 01

  Well, I was, I was envious of you last night when you said that you spent Easter with your neighbors and that some of your neighbors came to the show. Cause like, I'm not at all like entrenched in my neighborhood at all.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  Despite like some legitimate effort, you know, like going to the community center, like all this shit, like outside waving to people. Everyone's walking their dog with headphones on.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:40Speaker 01

  Even when they're out on your city sidewalk, you can't still like engage with the people who live three minutes away. And it's very frustrating. And I think that a lot of people are just like completely alone and disconnected. And then they have like a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they like cling on until it dies, like Lenny from Mice and Men. Just like crushing the one thing that loves you and sees you as who you are. And then you get mad at them because they make you feel like a baby sometimes. And you're like, I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Then you're just the Joker.

• 34:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:06Speaker 01

  There's a bunch of us that are just the Joker out there.

• 34:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  And that's what I want to talk to you about is this like initiative that I want to do.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  Help these dudes, these fucking dead eyed dudes I see at the merch table who are like, you know, doing pharmaceuticals they get online to enjoy the comedy show with the guy they really like.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:22Speaker 01

  The one time we come to their town and they still have to be fucked up at the show. Not just booze, but it's like a variety of things.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Like completely whacked out.

• 34:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, I will say the neighborhood cohesion, that's all my wife. She's very like. She's very outgoing and friendly. She, we were there for like a year and then she had already had like, she joined this group. It's like the, you know, like the like a mom group of like our neighborhood. And next thing I know, we would have like 20 people at our house all going out together. It was really nice.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  Played basketball now. It's like we played basketball every, every night.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  That's what I want. I want to like play pickleball. I want to play bocce.

• 34:52Speaker 00

  Play pickleball.

• 34:52Speaker 01

  You know?

• 34:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. Bocce, you need a sick hat for bocce.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  I have a sick hat. All I have is the sick hat.

• 34:58Speaker 00

  What would you go with? Bowler, fedora?

• 34:59Speaker 01

  No, dude, I have like a big like, like almost like Yao Ming farmer, like an Asian, but not really, like a Mongolian step hat.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  That's awesome.

• 35:07Speaker 01

  It has like a crazy braid under here and I tie it off and it's like a scarf. I just look like a widow in the south, you know, like I should be in a rocking chair, but I want to put that gear on and hit the bocce pit.

• 35:17Speaker 00

  And like, you should, that's kind of bullshit. You can't, honestly.

• 35:19Speaker 01

  Well, I could go play by myself like a psycho in my big hat and then no one's going to want to play with me if they see me alone.

• 35:24Speaker 00

  Might be field of dreams.

• 35:26Speaker 01

  You might go, he got early onset Alzheimer's.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  You'd have one guy be walking his dog and he'd go home, put on his fedora and take every ounce of courage and you walk up and be like, hey, man, you mind if I toss those balls?

• 35:35Speaker 01

  Just a bunch of guys who had a hat they've been waiting to wear and then they see me and they're like, that's the spark. He's the change he wants to see. Yeah, man. I'm also coming around on this like fat guy thing. Like I think it's kind of cool. The fat people are like, you know what? Fuck you. Like it's hard for me. I'm going to be fat. I'm tired of being told I'm fat. I'm fat bodied. I'm not obese. That's a medical term.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. Get the fucking calories off soda. Get, you look at that yourself. I don't want to see that.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  And like fat people for the most part are either like really funny or like have never said a funny thing ever. So it's really hard to like know which one you're dealing with. Cause I'll see a fat guy like in public and be like, all right, this guy's going to do something. And then he's just like, ugh.

• 36:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  I have to go to Bed Bath and Beyond again.

• 36:16Speaker 00

  It's so true.

• 36:17Speaker 01

  My sheets are yellow.

• 36:18Speaker 00

  It's either you're the funniest guy ever or it's just like not at all.

• 36:21Speaker 01

  Well, it's because as a really fat kid, you learn how to be funny, to get along and defend yourself. Or you just like take it and bullet sponge and become harder and harder while you're getting softer and softer. And then like, you know, you have to go to college and interact with people and you're like, I'm not fat. You have like a breathing device. It's like, yeah, fat people, take it back, bro.

• 36:40Speaker 00

  Well, what's, what's the idea? What's, what's the?

• 36:42Speaker 01

  I'm dealing with a fat like problem too. I'm having identity crisis because I still feel like I need to be there for my fat brethren.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:49Speaker 01

  But also like kind of show them like a path towards, cause like I had a lot of identity involved in being a fat guy.

• 36:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 01

  It's like not just the fact that like I was fat. It was like, well, now I'm a fat funny guy who has like a little bit of a public life. So I lose this weight, like what clown am I?

• 37:02Speaker 00

  It's a comedy mech suit.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Right. And then you're 36 saying, what clown am I? And you're like, fuck, this is all gone. Like I'm so beyond anything that makes sense. I'm just gonna like try and lose some weight so I can, you know, see my niece graduate or whatever.

• 37:15Speaker 00

  No, I think you're rocking it. I think you're, I get it though. That would, yeah, if I was.

• 37:19Speaker 01

  I can't turn my back on them.

• 37:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 37:21Speaker 01

  The fats.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  No, you can't.

• 37:23Speaker 01

  Those are my guys.

• 37:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can't.

• 37:24Speaker 01

  And I'm still with them. And I get on stage and talk about weight loss and like, I see him out there and I want him to know like, I'm not talking to you, big fat guy.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, no, I, that makes sense though. You never want to turn your back on the fats. I would never turn my back on the fats. I like, I do like teasing the fats.

• 37:38Speaker 01

  Of course, and they like getting teased. They've been teased.

• 37:41Speaker 00

  True.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:42Speaker 00

  But yeah, no, that's, that's very important. You know, what, what was your idea for the young men that are just?

• 37:46Speaker 01

  Oh, so dude, I was talking to, I, I drove here from Houston yesterday and like when I drive alone, that's the only time I like actually think. Like I disassociate like you most of the time, but I'm in a car by myself. I put on this American life until I can't hear it anymore.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  And then I'm just like alone with my thoughts.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  Do you talk to yourself?

• 38:02Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, but it's always like someone else is talking and I'm like, who said that? I'm so down in the rabbit hole of my own ass. But dude, so we have all these like young dudes out there, right? Who like have pretty much like been told like, hey fellas, you ran the world. It's broken. We're taking you off the shelf.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  It's great, you know, let someone else have the ball. They'll fuck it up. We'll be back probably.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:24Speaker 01

  You know, cause ultimately like, there's a lot of like, when you knock everything off the shelf, which is created by capitalism, of course, that's the shelf. Uh, you have all these shards and right now it's like mostly like straight white guys who are in shards. And like society at large is like, hey, good, be shards for a while. So there's this like schadenfreude of like, hey, actually like shut up and listen. So like just be worms for a while. So while they're down there, they're eating dirt and they're metastasizing, you know? And they're like spreading this disease. And it's like, I really think that someone has to give a shit about these guys who have been told that like they're the reason the world is fucked. Because like, you know, dudes Sean's age, like they were told like, go to college, get a job, you'll own a house. The American dream is yours. That's completely ripped in shreds.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  There's no American dream anymore. So you have all these dudes that like, just go deeper, deeper online and get meaner and meaner and like, you know, more galvanized and it's the echo chamber. And I'm thinking if we could get some of these dudes together at some kind of like, I've been saying white guy conference, you know? Which is bad. Yeah. It's like, hey, we're gonna go to a bunch of white guys together in Oklahoma City and get it together. But I think if we could like, throw some kind of like, actual face-to-face event where we go in with people, not like, we have it figured out, but like, you're admirable, you've done a lot of looking inward, you have a psychology degree, you care about people. Astric. Huge asterisk. Social work. But I get what you're saying. And it's like, last night on stage, you said, you were like, uh, you know, I'm worried

• 39:49Speaker 01

  about everyone all the time. I have a huge heart. I have the same thing, where it's like, I want to be the sin eater for all these kids who are sad. So it's like, if we could get them together and just like, have radical honesty and talk about the things and have like, Joe List do a symposium on like, sobriety or like, Rainy on like, not being a pussy, like, all these dudes that like, kind of are trying to get better and just exhibit this behavior in a place without any phones or booze, probably in the middle of the country. Yeah. I think we could actually like, send these dudes back with some tools to not like, shoot up the mall. Because if we can negate like, one woman flinching when her husband walks into the room, we've done our job. That's true. A symposium would be nice. I would like a nice symposium. Dude, you go, you have your thing, you don't have to be funny. You're gonna be funny

• 40:34Speaker 01

  because you can't help it, but like, you got your fucking presentation, you get up there for an hour. And then afterward, we can talk to these dudes, we can have little like, break off groups where it's like, if you want to work on stuff specifically, like, we could moderate those. And I don't have any kind of like, background in this, but I do care. And I want to help. Because like, I've been doing stand-up for 20 years and it's like, not boring, but like, what's the next juice? Like, how can I actually be of service? Because I have a platform, I see the kids at the merch line, I see the hope in their eyes, but nothing curdles or becomes more corrosive than dead hope. Yeah. The dead ambition. And we gotta get in there and the scars of them and the wounds and like, clear out all that dead debris so like, they can heal, bro. We gotta be gardens they can grow in. That'd be sick. Because right now, we just like, provide them some shit that's escapism, that's great.

• 41:17Speaker 01

  That's not service. We're, this is not altruistic. We're benefiting off of this. I'm trying to sell my tickets. You know, Sean needs new tires.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  So it's like, I'm not trying to pretend that what I do when I go on stage is emancipating them from their actual problems, but like, I would like to like, try and help more.

• 41:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:34Speaker 01

  The only way I think I can do is to be like, be able to fucking touch them, you know, tell them like, hey, man, it's not your fault. Like, sorry, your dad was mean, you know, or like, be like, it is your fault. And let's fucking fix it.

• 41:44Speaker 00

  Hey, I'm just thinking how we can monetize this.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  Well, so.

• 41:48Speaker 01

  Five thousand dollars a head, alright? Yeah, we cap it at a thousand.

• 41:52Speaker 00

  Dude, I would love to do a symposium. That'd be really nice. The problem, here's the problem. The, the things like this that exist, that get self-promotional, look so fucking brutal.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Yes, the manosphere.

• 42:03Speaker 01

  I want to call it, I want to call it returning to the odium.

• 42:06Speaker 00

  Turn the odium.

• 42:07Speaker 01

  You know the odium?

• 42:08Speaker 00

  No.

• 42:08Speaker 01

  The odium was like the, the Roman idea of, work was looked down upon. Like, we're in this whole like thing of like hustle, grind, like work 20 hours a day. Like, that's what a man does. They look down on that. Like, what a man's ultimate pursuit was, was like to try and like better himself, learn, create art, like, luxuriate, reflect, not luxury, but like have time to reflect.

• 42:31Speaker 00

  Dude, you're talking, this is the return to Aristotle. This is what McIntyre is talking about.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  I'm saying return to odium. That's what we're trying to build.

• 42:37Speaker 00

  That's fucking tight.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  And it's just like, if we can give them the tools to not be mean to their boss at work, who is a dickhead.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:43Speaker 01

  Or at least try and like, take a breath before you fucking pop off at that next meeting.

• 42:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  You know, before you fucking spike the can of liquid death. Cause you killed for an hour, except for one second. Yeah.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  I fucking flubbed the last line on my closer last night and I was walking off stage, I had my liquid death and I was for real about to just fucking hurl it down the steps. And there's like a camera right there and I'm like, bro, I can't be on camera. I'd be like, ah!

• 43:08Speaker 01

  Spazzing.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  So I squeezed it. I squeezed it.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  Just absolute spaz.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Comes in the green room and he was like, I fucked up the last line. I was like, yeah, make sure you focus on that instead of the other 99.9%. That's also what I would do, which is true. I would for sure get off and like, I wouldn't, I couldn't even go in the green room. I'd be in the stairwell like.

• 43:28Speaker 00

  Well, I do like to get back to the green room as fast as possible, just because I love it. People like, damn, you're already back. And I'm like, yeah, dude, I moved pretty fucking quick. I had multiple fish to fry. But I'm still stewing.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  So you want people to think you're a wraith or like night crawler?

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Vampire speed. You know what a vampire show? And they're like, yeah. That's what I want. Like, damn, do you have vampire speed?

• 43:50Speaker 01

  That's so funny to get off stage and be like, just run to the green room to like impress, you know, Kurt Metzger with how quick you are.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  That's all I had left. I was like, I flubbed the, flubbed the closer. I gotta be fast.

• 43:59Speaker 01

  It was the second to last word you said, too, that you fucked up.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  I know. I know.

• 44:05Speaker 01

  I was, I was telling him, I was out there watching him last night getting real stoned with Butterly up on the balcony. And like, I was always watching and I was like, dude, that's my friend. And like, all these people are here to see him. And he's really good at his job. And I'm up here in like, the coolest comedy club and I can smoke weed in here? Like, life is so cool.

• 44:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:21Speaker 01

  Just like a moment when you like, connect with what's actually happening instead of like, the facade of it. So, but anyway, dude, that's my big pitch is I want to like, try and help.

• 44:30Speaker 00

  That'd be nice.

• 44:31Speaker 02

  It's really nice. I worry that people won't appreciate it, though. I worry they're stuck in their ways.

• 44:37Speaker 01

  Well, and that's fine, but I do think the people who would actually take the trip to Oklahoma City, and we're not going to have it be 10,000 people. It's going to kind of be like, Skank Fest for guys who like to do crafts, you know?

• 44:47Speaker 00

  That'd be nice.

• 44:48Speaker 02

  Gay skanks.

• 44:49Speaker 01

  Gay skanks, yeah. And we'll have a class on, you know, killing the voice in your head that calls stuff gay. That'll be a class. I want to do one on ambition. And it's just every slide says, you will die one day. And just be like, so that's why I do stuff. Cause I know this is gonna happen. And you might be thinking, well, I'll put it off. And it's like, well, tomorrow, this could happen to you. And it will happen in the blink of an eye. Yeah. You will die. Yeah. Cause it's like, so easy to like, actually use your time.

• 45:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:17Speaker 01

  If you could just be shown like, how much time you wasted on your phone on your deathbed. Or my new thing is if before like, St. Peter like, greets you, he's like, you want more life? Well, let's see how you used yours. And then it's like, literally seven years of like, you scrolling, actual, real time, seven years.

• 45:31Speaker 00

  Oh, easily, man. I mean, I'm, I've gotten down to three hours a day. And that's like, that was like, major.

• 45:37Speaker 01

  That's huge.

• 45:37Speaker 00

  Yeah. So, rocking, I think like, six at least is like, the baseline.

• 45:42Speaker 01

  Do you wake up and look at your phone immediately? Dude, that's like, the big one I'm fighting right now.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  I do.

• 45:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Just cortisol right away. The world's mad at you.

• 45:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:50Speaker 01

  Forty emails you have to do.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  And I'm mad at them, too.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:53Speaker 00

  I'll check the weather every now and again. But I typically don't get up and do phone right away.

• 45:57Speaker 01

  Well, you also have like, kids. You have like, priorities and shit. I wake up and I'm like.

• 46:01Speaker 00

  At, at the hotel.

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Oh, ticket counts aren't good in Phoenix.

• 46:05Speaker 00

  Dude, that's the story of my life. But, yeah, if I'm in the hotel by myself, that's when the phone rules. I'll like, wake up and just be like, ugh.

• 46:12Speaker 01

  Dude, if I'm in a hotel, bro, hit City Skylines until I gotta go to the show.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  On that laptop, putting in residential zones and watching it grow, bro.

• 46:21Matt McCusker?

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• 47:01Speaker 04

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• 48:02Speaker 01

  Hey, everyone. Come see me live. Helium, April 8th in Atlanta. Come see me at Witzen Comedy Lounge, North Charleston. I'll be at Mic Drop in Detroit. The Comedy Nest in Montreal, Ottawa, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Buffalo. Both Zany's, Matt's, and Doctor Grin's. Get those tickets from Punch Up Live. And if you wouldn't mind buying my, pre-ordering my book, my next novel's out September 22nd from Random House, but I would like to get to 10,000 pre-sales so I can be a best seller and beat Mr. Beast and James Patterson.

• 48:33Speaker 00

  That's what I'm talking about.

• 48:33Speaker 01

  It's a sick book, violent book of erotic revenge, gay hitman in Paris doing one last job.

• 48:38Speaker 00

  Bro.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  Last 30 pages are just a violent onslaught, phantasmagoria. I'm really stoked on it. It's pretty.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  That's awesome, man. Yeah, I mean, definitely, definitely go see Sam live. That, that last night was so fucking funny.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  Thanks, man.

• 48:49Speaker 00

  So definitely go do that. And the book, the first book was awesome. I'm excited. I'm excited to read the second.

• 48:53Speaker 01

  Me too, bro. I'm so stoked on this thing and it's been my entire life for like a year.

• 48:57Speaker 00

  Hell yeah.

• 48:57Speaker 01

  Over it.

• 48:58Speaker 00

  Let's go.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:59Speaker 00

  Sean, what you got, bro?

• 49:00Speaker 02

  Oh, I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City and Cincinnati, Ohio, May. Please come see those shows if you can. And Optimum Noctis at the Creek in the Cave, the first and third Tuesday of every month.

• 49:13Speaker 01

  Hell yeah.

• 49:13Speaker 00

  Hell yeah, man.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Thank you very much. shawngardini.com.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  Well, guys, I'll be April 10th. I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, Minnesota, and then I'll be at Des Moines, Iowa on 4/11 the next day. And then here's the big ones, man. 4/17, cursed Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be at the Celebrity Theater. It's in the round. It's a 20.

• 49:31Speaker 01

  That's the one Mitch Hedberg laid down on.

• 49:33Speaker 00

  What?

• 49:34Speaker 01

  He would lay down and they would just throw pills at him on stage and he would be circling and he would like see a pill and just eat it.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  What?

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, him, Stanout told me this story. That's like legendary spot, dude.

• 49:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:43Speaker 01

  I think it slowly spins, dude.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Does it?

• 49:45Speaker 01

  I thought so, yeah.

• 49:46Speaker 00

  I'm worried I won't complete the circle. I need to get the sale so I don't do it in the 270. I'm worried I won't get the full round going. I'll do it in the U.

• 49:52Speaker 01

  Brutal.

• 49:54Speaker 00

  So guys, please come to the Celebrity Theater. I'll literally, I'm gonna hire seat fillers if you guys don't come.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  I'm gonna buy all the seats so no one's there.

• 50:02Speaker 00

  Just leave a big block of no seats. Celebrity Theater, 4/17, that's gonna be fun. And I also am, I love the round.

• 50:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:09Speaker 00

  I'm a pig for the round, actually. I've really come alive in the round. Guys, after that, 4/18, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. And then 5/15, I'll be in Toronto. That'll be fun. It's two shows and I, I believe they're gonna be sold out, so there might be a little bit of tickets on that last show.

• 50:24Speaker 01

  Great comedy town.

• 50:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm excited for Toronto. They've been showing me a lot of love on like fucking bitch ass Phoenix, Arizona. Guys, and then finally, the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. That's gonna be very fun. I, I love Chicago, so come to that.

• 50:37Speaker 01

  When are you there?

• 50:38Speaker 00

  Uh, May 16th.

• 50:40Speaker 01

  I'll be there.

• 50:40Speaker 00

  What?

• 50:40Speaker 01

  I'll be in town. I'm at Zany's that weekend.

• 50:42Speaker 00

  What?

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Try and pop over.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  Oh, please do.

• 50:44Speaker 01

  Wait, wait, wait, you're there the same, damn it. Go see Matt, everyone.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  No, go see, show, dude, please, that'll be awesome.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  Let's hang out.

• 50:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  I think McCann's gonna be around too, dude. I think McCann's there the 15th or something.

• 50:55Speaker 00

  Dude, that'll be awesome.

• 50:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, that'd be cool.

• 50:56Speaker 00

  Guys, Chicago, it's just, there's a comedy storm coming into Chicago.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  It's not just your babe, it's the best thing from that city. It's also the people who buy comedy tickets.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 51:04Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  There's a funny front moving in, dude.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, the wind stream broke, nothing but giggles all across the Midwest.

• 51:11Speaker 02

  I'll be in Tulsa.

• 51:12Speaker 00

  Okay, get it, let's, let's get back to the show.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:16Speaker 00

  I was brainstorming a, a, a show idea, I had a couple of different ones, but one of them was just an absolute, like a crowd work Blue Man Group, where you just like five people just take the stage and it's just you just the whole time it's just like, it's like, you know, like the crowd work guys that have like headsets?

• 51:30Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  But there's five people at once.

• 51:32Speaker 01

  Christopher Titus.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it's five people at once just going nuts and then it evolved.

• 51:36Speaker 01

  Doing crowd work all at once and you can hear every one of them speak?

• 51:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, simultaneously, but, but then it was like, you know what? No, not even that. What I want to do is do a live exercise class where it's comedians with headsets and you just scream at people exercising like a drill instructor.

• 51:52Speaker 01

  I did that yoga. I did, I, they brought me in one time in Denver to do like, uh, like a sippin' yoga thing and they brought me in as like the fake yoga host.

• 52:00Speaker 00

  What?

• 52:00Speaker 01

  And I was like, that's a funny idea.

• 52:02Speaker 00

  That's a great idea.

• 52:02Speaker 01

  And it pays $40? Sure, who cares? So I did it, dude, but I didn't know anything about yoga. So people were just getting mad. Like people like this is their whole thing. It's like they look forward to yoga all day at work and then there's a fat guy out there wearing short shorts and a headband being like, why doesn't everyone do an upward dog? We're always doing downward dog. And people are like, what are you doing? And they didn't know it was a prank. It's like I was a fat guy ruining their one thing.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  That's a great idea.

• 52:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, but I think if you told people that it was an exercise class hosted by comedians, that'd be good.

• 52:30Speaker 00

  I would, I want to do a yoga class where I slowly, you know, you, you started, cause like a lot of the real, kind of like OG yoga instructors will start like hitting you with passages from like, you know, like ancient, like the Bhagavad Gita, whatever. That'd be nice to like start that way, then slowly slide into like, like militant is like, like big militant Islam.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, try and sneak it in.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, just sneak it in slowly build to like at the very end during like the shavasana when they all lay there, just be like, and Pakistan will rise again. Death to the, yeah, that'd be kind of sick.

• 53:00Speaker 01

  Indians are dogs. Yeah, that'd be good. Or you transition from that into like just Pantera lyrics at the end? He's like, read stanzas from Pantera.

• 53:12Speaker 00

  It'd be nice to go into like heavy, like black magic Satanism.

• 53:16Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:16Speaker 00

  Towards the very end.

• 53:17Speaker 01

  Lights go low and low. You're completely nude at the end.

• 53:19Speaker 00

  Yeah. In anything, no matter what, you have to crush your opponents. Any means necessary. Their blood is your reward.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  Blood for the blood god. You are the blood god. Get the marrow from the bone. Yeah, that'd be great.

• 53:30Speaker 00

  That'd be nice.

• 53:31Speaker 01

  I'd be, I mean.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  But I agree. I think it would be nice, man. That's kind of the, uh, that was kind of one of the main things where it's like, yeah, you gotta figure out something to do where it's like, well, you're basically, you are a social being, you know, more or less. You have to figure out a way to like.

• 53:44Speaker 01

  Survive.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  It's our evolution. Exactly. So, yeah, I think that would be nice to do a nice little symposium.

• 53:50Speaker 01

  And like, it would probably be a nightmare. And of course, as soon as I have to send two emails to find the hotel conference room, it'll be over for me.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:57Speaker 01

  We need to find a woman to plan this men's only retreat.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  I got one. Yeah, we have type A babes. You can just stick the type A babes on it.

• 54:04Speaker 01

  Cause if I tell my wife, she'll say, oh yeah, we should be helping white guys more. It's like, it's not just white guys. They're the ones who need the help.

• 54:10Speaker 00

  Well, here's the thing. You can, you can title it Symposium for White Guys and Probably a Lot of Mexican Guys and Indian Guys. And black guys are welcome. That'd be a pleasant surprise.

• 54:19Speaker 01

  We'd love a black guy.

• 54:20Speaker 00

  That'd be really cool.

• 54:21Speaker 01

  We're gonna have a black speaker, asterisk. Gay guys. Butterly was like, what about gay guys? And I was like, oh yeah. Let's get some gay guys in there. They got their own problems.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 01

  Yeah. And it's not like, I don't know, dude. I just feel like, uh, when you can't figure out your own shit, it's a lot easier to like either go inward or you can like help other people. So like, I feel like when you're at this depression, it's like, just like ruin state that a lot of people are in. Exhausted, no dignity. Everyone's mad at them. It's like, teach them how to help other people. And I think we can just like plant these little seeds that like go back to like fucking Bristol, Tennessee and, you know, next thing you know, there's four nice diet dudes in Bristol, Tennessee. It's not like we're gonna fix everything, dude, but like if people actually want to do the work, I think we could bring them together.

• 55:03Speaker 00

  I think so. I think people, yeah, I think that'd be actually a. It'd be a nice thing. It would be, either way, it'd be a very fun event if you got to go to sort of symposium and it was just a bunch of people, a bunch of comedians and stuff.

• 55:13Speaker 01

  It's not like scholars.

• 55:15Speaker 00

  No.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  It's not people who are gonna bore you or like impress you with their bona fides. It's just like me up there being like, hey, guys, I'm not that great, but like I've done some stuff and here's how I've achieved it. And it's just like picture of my mom in her casket, you know? So I remember this and then I put my phone away and I work on my book. Because I'll be in there and I'll be in there so soon and you'll all be in there so soon.

• 55:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:38Speaker 01

  We don't even exist. If you look at time, we're an anomaly.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  True.

• 55:41Speaker 01

  We were never here.

• 55:43Speaker 00

  Dude, that's a, that'd be cool. I think that'd be a lot of fun. Do it. Getting to do like a 45 minute PowerPoint on just like, I'm gonna try to boil down anything that I think is like a use, that's been useful to me and putting it, that'd be so fun. And it'd have to be headset. My only condition is headset mics.

• 55:58Speaker 01

  Unbuttoned all the way. I'm right here, bro. I'm up there like this. Naked. Nude. We all have to be nude at this thing.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. Radical honesty means being nude. It's like, like, you know, was, was in this vein.

• 56:12Speaker 00

  That was my, I was trying to figure out how you take the A A N A model.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  Right.

• 56:16Speaker 00

  Instead of like, you don't need to be like smoking crystal meth. It's just for everybody.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 56:20Speaker 00

  Cause apparently it works for a lot of people.

• 56:22Speaker 01

  I think, I think it works maybe if you can apply that kind of shit to people who don't have substance issues.

• 56:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:27Speaker 01

  Like, I think it might help even more.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  I think that was, I was always trying to do that, but it is difficult. It's like kinda hard to wrangle everybody. Symposium could be the move though.

• 56:34Speaker 01

  Also, it is gay. Like, that's the issue. It's like trying to help people and say like, hey, I wanna be like the sin eater for the world is like, ultimately a very embarrassing, cringe thing, but like, we need to return to sincerity. We need to embrace earnestness. We've made a living with irony and like, you know, not taking anything seriously. And now I just think that I really wanna like tap into some, I don't know, searching truth, that kinda thing.

• 56:58Speaker 00

  It's so bizarre, cause that's.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  All we have is beauty.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  That's the whole, that's the whole point of that book I'm reading. It's literally, it's more or less, that's like one of the major points is, you know, it's a weird, you know, one of those things that just kinda syncs up, but that's crazy.

• 57:10Speaker 01

  You're very smart and admirable and I would love to have you involved in this project.

• 57:13Speaker 00

  I would love, that'd be awesome. Sick. I'm pretty dumb though.

• 57:17Speaker 01

  You're not allowed.

• 57:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  You're the enemy of progress.

• 57:21Speaker 01

  You'd be in there wasted.

• 57:22Speaker 02

  That's what I've been thinking about this whole time is that I have, I don't think I have anything to offer these people.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  You could be like a youth pastor.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. You could just take like 16 year olds.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  Do rock and roll.

• 57:30Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't know, guys.

• 57:32Speaker 02

  Talk about cigarettes.

• 57:33Speaker 00

  Should probably learn like editing software that could be useful.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  It'd be really funny to like build up for like three days of like progress, like men crying, breakthroughs, and then have Sean be like the keynote speaker on the last day. And just ruin everything.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  That, that is, that, that's the thing. That's the, uh, that is the, how do, it's like the tough thing because the, it's such a nice thing and it like, I, I, if you're being genuine, you're like, yeah, that is like, that's good. Then you just see someone film it and put it out and you're like, that sucks.

• 58:02Speaker 01

  And I do, I think it's like no cameras, no booze.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, no.

• 58:04Speaker 01

  I don't think you can have booze at this thing. I think we'll have shuttles. It'll drive you to whatever airport, hotel bars nearby. Like we'll make it easy for you to have a fun time with your new friends.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  But like, we can't be there fucking addled on our phones. Obviously people will be stoned.

• 58:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 01

  Me included.

• 58:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:19Speaker 01

  You know, hang out with you and Butterly for three days.

• 58:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. I actually did want to ask you, so you have your last, whenever I talk to you, you have the weed really dialed in.

• 58:26Speaker 01

  Trying, bro. Yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 00

  How, so what, what like progress have you made with that in terms of finding like specific types of weed that agree with you and all that stuff?

• 58:33Speaker 01

  I thought live rosin was like the key, but it's actually the terp profile. Do you know about terps? Like all the shit that makes it smell that way? So like you have all these different terps and based on the weeds that I like and the weeds that I don't like, like I can't smoke headband and you know, or I can't smoke lemon haze. Then you find out like limoline is an active terp in there. And then the stuff I do like has like mercine and linoleum. So now I'm like looking back through like all these strains and like following the genetics all the way back to find out like what the mother plants are. And it turns out that like cookies, runts, like all these sweet things work for me, but like mangoes don't work because they have too much, uh, lysine or whatever it is. So it's just kind of being aware of what strains work for you and then like trying to like actually get to like the terp profiles of that.

• 59:15Speaker 00

  And that's to avoid like a bug out basically.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  Total bug out. Yeah. Like I can't have like Durban poison.

• 59:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:20Speaker 01

  But I love Durban poison. But every third time I smoked Durban poison, I'm like under the couch like a dog in a thunderstorm.

• 59:25Speaker 00

  Freaking out.

• 59:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like freaking out, calling my wife at work. Like I'm having a heart attack. She's like, did you hit the puffco? I'm like, that has nothing to do with this. It's one in the afternoon. Who would be high on Live Rosin right now? I woke up an hour ago. There's no way I'm high.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  That's blueberry. Blueberry anything is like good for me.

• 59:40Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 59:41Speaker 00

  If I have the blueberry, I'm good. If I had, there's certain ones I have where I'm like, I'm schizophrenic now for like 30 minutes.

• 59:46Speaker 01

  Cause like, I'm like you where it's like, I understand that like weed is a drug. But like, I still want it to be a part of my life. Cause I'm not on like SSRIs or anything.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 59:54Speaker 01

  Cause like all these people who are like, you need to be high. It's like, no, but like I'm taking a thing that like makes me able to engage with reality a little bit easier.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, I just, I like, I'll like take weed out of the mix. Cause you know, like bug out or I'll be like, I don't even need it. And then I put it back in and I'm like, yeah, I kind of need this in my system a little bit all the time.

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  And that could be like 2.5 milligrams edible, bro.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:15Speaker 01

  Like, like I'm like, I don't know. I thought you had to smoke the whole eighth in 24 hours for most of my life. Or it's like, if you get a thousand milligram bar, it's like, well, I'll eat this and just deal with it.

• 1:00:25Speaker 00

  Bug out.

• 1:00:25Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'll just be on drugs. Cause I think it's weed.

• 1:00:28Speaker 00

  I've run the experiment and it's like, if I, if I like go off of weed entirely, like I can do it. It's, it's really not hard. It's just like, I get like very, I feel like serious.

• 1:00:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:38Speaker 00

  Weird. It's like a weird feeling. I get like very just kind of like.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  I'm a man.

• 1:00:43Speaker 00

  I don't know what it is.

• 1:00:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, I get it too, bro.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  It's weird.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  Hard edged, you know, and like, uh, not as, not as eager to be like giddy.

• 1:00:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:52Speaker 01

  I don't know. Like all the, like the bad stuff about weed, like I get it, but I think I just like need to be able to have it in my life.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:59Speaker 01

  Or else life isn't as much. I don't know.

• 1:01:02Speaker 00

  Not so hard. I need to have a little weed. Cause I, I don't know. Otherwise I just get like, uh, I just get very serious and I have like, uh, I think genetically I have like salesman brain. So if I don't, if I don't smoke weed, salesman brain takes over and I just, I just become like a, I don't know, something in my head where I'm just like, I should do this. This should actually be a very good idea.

• 1:01:21Speaker 01

  And I genetically have hobo brain. So when I'm not smoking weed, I just get like lost in these flights of fancy where I'm like, why don't we move to Peru? Like, why are we, we're all scared of like shit happening here. We go to Peru, our money will go longer. And my wife's like, are you stoned? And I'm like, actually no.

• 1:01:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:37Speaker 01

  This is me thinking clear headed. And I think the move is relocating you, your sister, your mom, your grandma is our niece to Peru. I think that'd be best for us.

• 1:01:46Speaker 00

  The Andes Mountains.

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  Dude, it'd be so great to like be able to live lives in so many different places.

• 1:01:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're a big traveler.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  Well, it's just like, I know how limited the time here is.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:57Speaker 01

  It's like, I want to sample the delicacies of this thing called life, bro. And it's like, and that's the issue of like, being me is like, I every, every, most of my thoughts are very gay. All the stuff that I love, like, I'm stoked to go home and like, plant my flowers and like, get my day lilies going, you know?

• 1:02:12Speaker 00

  Don't get me started on gardening. That's my, that's my big one right now.

• 1:02:14Speaker 02

  I like gardening, too.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is.

• 1:02:16Speaker 01

  I've seen you post your, your stuff's great, bro.

• 1:02:18Speaker 02

  Thank you, man. I gotta get started again.

• 1:02:20Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 1:02:20Speaker 02

  Get some peppers going.

• 1:02:22Speaker 01

  Cause I think this is the last year we can grow stuff.

• 1:02:24Speaker 02

  Why the?

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  Because like, the anomalies happening in weather, it's like, they're like, the, the, the jet stream is breaking. So now weather's just gonna like, break out of whatever tube it's kept in and like, you know, make it like 30 degrees in July or whatever.

• 1:02:37Speaker 00

  You think that's what happens soon?

• 1:02:38Speaker 01

  I don't know, dude. That's what the science, you know?

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  Fuck, I'd be so pissed if my shit froze right now in the summer.

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  That's, that's, cause like, they used to say, you know, you could plant like April 1st or whatever. And now they're like, wait till Mother's Day. And now they're kind of like, well, if you can get it going whenever, like, you might have to beat a late frost, but, so it's just, yeah, that's where my garden is.

• 1:02:55Speaker 00

  What's, what's your garden set up right now?

• 1:02:57Speaker 01

  Uh, nothing right now, cause I haven't put it in yet, but like,

• 1:02:59Speaker 00

  Gotcha.

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  Uh, I planted a bunch of trees last year, first year. So we got the trees. And then this year, it's like raised beds and,

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:06Speaker 01

  I want to have a cutting garden and then some like food and herbs, but mostly I want to just grow beautiful flowers and like, sit back there in my very expensive chairs I bought from France.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  Again, dude. I mean, I was, this body was wasted on me. I should not have been born like a huge straight guy. I should be like a very gay, like Haitian dude, just like wearing like, you know, like a head wrap. Remember like the vampire, like the gay vampire from, uh, that was Anna Paquin's vampire show on HBO back in the day? True Blood? True Blood?

• 1:03:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:33Speaker 01

  Remember the gay guy? That should have been me.

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  Who was the gay guy?

• 1:03:36Speaker 01

  He was like the bartender.

• 1:03:37Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 1:03:38Speaker 01

  The black guy, like very like Caribbean.

• 1:03:40Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 1:03:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  That was like the gayest guy.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  For sure. That should have been me.

• 1:03:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. That guy, you know what I'm talking about?

• 1:03:46Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:03:47Speaker 00

  Gay black guy. He almost, he would borderline cross dress almost.

• 1:03:50Speaker 01

  Oh, it was like, he was a, he was like, if your dad like, did an impression of a gay guy in blackface, like that, that's who this guy was.

• 1:03:57Speaker 00

  He had beautiful eyes.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  Oh, he was great.

• 1:03:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, he had beautiful eyes.

• 1:03:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:00Speaker 00

  He had beautiful, very effeminate eyes.

• 1:04:01Speaker 01

  And like, that's another thing. It's like androgyny is attractive, like all this stuff that I have. It's like, I cannot wait to go to the Botanical Gardens in Atlanta on Wednesday.

• 1:04:12Speaker 00

  Dude, I will say there's something really nice about growing flowers. I've been growing like rosebushes.

• 1:04:16Speaker 01

  Dude, is it driving you nuts?

• 1:04:17Speaker 00

  Oh my, it's the best. I love it. When they know when they, when they blossom, I like, I really, I come down, I, I come down every morning and I, I check out my garden. Any new shoot or bud, I see it and I go, dude, this is fucking awesome. Anytime I see a new little thing, I'm like, oh fuck.

• 1:04:31Speaker 01

  I did that. Me and nature.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  Colab.

• 1:04:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, man.

• 1:04:35Speaker 01

  On this single cherry blossom bud.

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  Especially when you get into like, um, creating like a real soil ecosystem where you're like, I'm trying to really do like, not, I don't know if it's Korean farming, but it's just like using like, you know, mulch fertilizer, like it takes like years to get it established. And I see little bugs in my soil. I'm like,

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  I did it. Dude, ladybugs.

• 1:04:52Speaker 00

  Ladybugs.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  We had pollinators last year because of the wildflowers. My wife was like, we have bees. This is terrible. And I was like, we have bees. This is, this is what we need. If we want the rest of this, we need these guys.

• 1:05:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 01

  And she's like, chill. My wife's always coming home like exhausted from being a doctor. And I'm like, hey, check this out. And I like take her out back to show her a new bud on the like pawpaw tree. And she's like, can I change out of my scrubs? And I'm like, no, quick, all aboard. She comes home to a little boy who then wants to try to have sex with her later.

• 1:05:23Speaker 00

  I, dude, I've been, uh, I've been game planning this idea for like, you know, if you have like a small backyard and you're limited, but you want to try to live off your land. I want to try to, uh, push the idea of people having, uh, I guess like single house, but also like very efficient factory farming. Where like you could have like a, like a cow in like a lightless box in your backyard. It's like a genetically, like a clear, you could like see its internal organs. It's like a box of headless chickens. I want to take, I'm going to take factory farming and democratize it to where like, we could all have just a bunch of like weird, like KFC.

• 1:05:57Speaker 01

  It's like Island of Dr. McCusker.

• 1:06:01Speaker 00

  That's just, those are making me laugh for pitching that to people. Just having like a lightless box where you have like a starved veal calf that you're like fattening with like grease.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. Just like fryer grease. Just a tube into its mouth.

• 1:06:13Speaker 00

  Instead of like a big factory with a thousand of like eyeless chickens, you could have like five in your backyard. Just cloning them back there.

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  You can charge people to come look at them.

• 1:06:20Speaker 00

  Grind them into a pulp and eat them for your family.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  Oh dude, the SWAT team would come to your house. There's like, there's a man creating abominations next door.

• 1:06:28Speaker 00

  I want to be able to raise like McDonald's chicken nugget chickens. You know, I would like cut their vocal cords. They can't even make any.

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  And their eggs are as big as your fist. Yeah. And they're just back there like saying like, kill me and chicken. And you're like, we're happy they are. That one's dancing. It's just covered in mites.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Covered in the shit.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  Dude, I would love to have some kind of like freaky animal menagerie in the backyard. Do you occasionally eat?

• 1:06:54Speaker 00

  It's all science. It's all science.

• 1:06:55Speaker 01

  Right. Yeah. You're, you're on the cutting edge.

• 1:06:57Speaker 00

  For sure.

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  Everyone will be doing this in 10 years. Saying that shit all the time, bro.

• 1:07:00Speaker 00

  It's like lab grown meat.

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:02Speaker 00

  That's all I'm talking about.

• 1:07:02Speaker 01

  I think that's not crazy. I would love to have eggs.

• 1:07:05Speaker 00

  Eggs would be nice.

• 1:07:06Speaker 01

  Eggs would be tight, dude.

• 1:07:06Speaker 00

  Duck eggs. Everyone's thinking like, how can I go full natural? It's like, well, imagine if you can just go like full synthetic. Hump them with hormones, just like all the, I put all the hormones in the cows.

• 1:07:15Speaker 01

  Or just like have an impossible meat machine, you know? You're like throwing coal in and like nitrates.

• 1:07:21Speaker 00

  I would just have a cow just like suspend, I'd have like an oxygen tank just suspend it in water and I would just fatten it up slowly. Let it just get bigger.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Hey, man, I know what you're talking about. I'm right there.

• 1:07:32Speaker 01

  You want like a big like fucking like gelatinous cube. There's a bunch of tubes going into a cow and it's just like floating in there.

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  Like the Wolverine tank.

• 1:07:40Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly. Yeah. Professor, it's your weapon X with cows. Yeah.

• 1:07:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I would slay it once a year and I would have its clone take its place.

• 1:07:47Speaker 01

  Oh, for sure.

• 1:07:47Speaker 00

  Be awesome.

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  And you could do that. Like, not you, for sure, but like someone could do that and implement that in the backyard. We're growing cows from sea.

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  It would be so fun to go to like an organic farming symposium and just present that idea.

• 1:07:59Speaker 01

  Hamburger machine.

• 1:08:01Speaker 00

  Have them just walk out in disgust.

• 1:08:04Speaker 01

  So you plant these and it grows hot dogs.

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  You can do this at the symposium we're throwing.

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  That would be nice. Or just you could have like a machine with like, you could like selectively breed Siamese twin like pigs. And then like you just keep kind of like somehow figuring out a clone, like a twin to grow out of another one. You kill the other one, you have two younger and you just continue.

• 1:08:23Speaker 01

  Like a Hydra, but with pork.

• 1:08:26Speaker 00

  But the problem would be getting it new.

• 1:08:27Speaker 01

  Muslims hate this one trick.

• 1:08:34Speaker 00

  That'd be the problem. You'd have to figure out how can you like have a new kind of embryo grow out of the Siamese twins.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  That would be the only problem.

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  Keep it going.

• 1:08:43Speaker 01

  Everything else is pretty hard science.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  Come out, you're like, look, it's growing another eyeball out of its side. You're like, oh, nice. It's working.

• 1:08:50Speaker 01

  Your daughters are sitting there horrified.

• 1:08:53Speaker 01

  As you're just slowly going crazy and saving your urine and toenails.

• 1:08:57Speaker 01

  You feed them the pig. It helps it grow. It would be a lot better than having like real pigs in your backyard. Yeah, pigs are always biting you. You gotta whip them with sticks.

• 1:09:04Speaker 00

  Dude, I want a pig so bad, dude.

• 1:09:06Speaker 01

  I want to keep your daughter's fingers away from that pig's down.

• 1:09:08Speaker 00

  I know. Go bite. We had a pig in our backyard that was like super horny and it would hump. It had like a Swedish exercise ball and it would, it would hump it and jizz on the ball.

• 1:09:17Speaker 01

  Like H. Foley in that story he told.

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  But yeah, no, I recently read Lonesome Dove.

• 1:09:23Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  Dude, I'm so sold on having like a nice shoat. Do they call pigs shoats? I'm like, I want one so bad. Sit on my porch and just sit there and look at my shoats eating like snakes and shit.

• 1:09:34Speaker 01

  Dude.

• 1:09:35Speaker 00

  And dude, you can, you can do a thing where I, I don't know if this is like actually a viable idea, but you can rent goats to go clear land for people. I would love to have just like five goats that I could just rent out to people and let them just munch all the poison ivy and shit on their land.

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  Eat the kudzu.

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, they'll eat everything.

• 1:09:52Speaker 01

  You would like to be a shepherd.

• 1:09:53Speaker 00

  I think, dude, I've said it before. I would love to be a shepherd. That's honestly my ideal job.

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  I honestly think they're like maybe genetically, like you're talking about like how you're a salesman brain. Like I think that there's something in me that needs to be just like not having a dress. I was telling you on the way over, it's like, you were saying in Australia, you like had a weird time. And I'm like, yeah, if I'm home for seven days, I kind of wig out. So like I can't like be still. And I think that there's some kind of like nomadic, like just calling in my blood, bro. And it's not good for modern life.

• 1:10:21Speaker 00

  Shepherd would be nice.

• 1:10:22Speaker 01

  Shepherd's great, dude. You just like dress like an Iman. You have a big crook. You're eating weird pies a woman hands you every now and then. You don't have to say a word for days.

• 1:10:31Speaker 00

  You have to fight the wolf off.

• 1:10:32Speaker 01

  The wolf, yeah. Or you have a cool dog.

• 1:10:34Speaker 00

  True. You have a good dog. What I've heard, I was, I was at a kid's birthday party recently and they had like the petting, like the ponies and horses you can go ride.

• 1:10:42Speaker 01

  Were you doing stand up?

• 1:10:43Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  I was attending. I was having fun just attending and the guy, and again, I just read Lonesome Dove, so I'm like just so horny for like cowboy knowledge of like, yeah, what animals?

• 1:10:54Speaker 01

  You're calling stuff caliche.

• 1:10:57Speaker 00

  This guy, he's sitting there and we're, you know, I'm starting, I'm talking mules with this guy who's like from the horse farm. And I'm just like, just really happy to be there with like a native Texan. And he was like, well, you know, you get rid of wolves, right? And I was like, no, Hal, just like, please, I would have sucked this guy's dick to him. And he was like, get a couple of good donkeys, they'll trample that wolf underneath the donkey's hooves. And I had to just be like, what do they do, dude? He's like, don't fucking trample a wolf right to death. And I was like, fuck, I'm so happy I know that. Yeah, I'm sitting there like, oh, oh, oh.

• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:11:24Speaker 00

  But he was just like, yeah, you get a donkey, man. Could you think you would stand fucking a donkey stomping on you? I was like, absolutely not.

• 1:11:30Speaker 01

  Fuck, no, sir. No, sir, I wouldn't.

• 1:11:31Speaker 00

  No, sir, I would, I would die immediately.

• 1:11:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I just like knowing that, I'm like, that's so cool. You know that donkeys will stop on a wolf and you can just like rest assured, be like, well, I got my donkeys. So I was gonna trample a wolf.

• 1:11:41Speaker 01

  Donkeys are fine, yeah.

• 1:11:41Speaker 00

  So I didn't, I wanna fact check that, but it's also, I almost don't want to.

• 1:11:44Speaker 01

  You're gonna see a lot of upsetting videos on either side.

• 1:11:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, true.

• 1:11:48Speaker 01

  Either a donkey getting munched or a wolf getting pummeled.

• 1:11:51Speaker 00

  But he's like, yeah, you get two good donkeys, man, you don't have to deal with wolves. And I'm like, fuck, that's so sick, you know that.

• 1:11:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Well, mules are fucking, I think mules are also like capable. I think donkeys and mules were like sacrificial, like you kept the oxes safe, probably.

• 1:12:06Speaker 00

  What do you mean?

• 1:12:06Speaker 01

  Well, it's like, if you're like thinking about like the, the farm animals or like the agricultural, like pack animals.

• 1:12:11Speaker 00

  Dispensable.

• 1:12:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think mules and I think mules most dispensable and then donkey and then like horse and then like ox, maybe.

• 1:12:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:19Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 1:12:19Speaker 00

  And that is, a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey, right?

• 1:12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, but it can't breed.

• 1:12:23Speaker 00

  It can't breed, yeah.

• 1:12:24Speaker 01

  My, my grandma's people raised mules in New Mexico and like, they all had like mule skin shoes and shit and like ate mule stew. Yeah.

• 1:12:32Speaker 00

  Fuck.

• 1:12:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:12:33Speaker 00

  That's awesome.

• 1:12:34Speaker 01

  I tried to talk about it on stage, people think I'm lying. So my grandma's from a place called Wagon Mound and I say, those are my people, mule ghouls from mountain town. And people were like, you just wanted to say that. So with all the lies, you can say that dumb phrase.

• 1:12:45Speaker 00

  They think you're stealing mule trader valor?

• 1:12:47Speaker 01

  A hundred percent.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  That's fucking bullshit.

• 1:12:49Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:12:49Speaker 00

  That would piss me off.

• 1:12:50Speaker 01

  Hey, man, it's just another day in the life of a Latino.

• 1:12:55Speaker 02

  I come from cowpoke.

• 1:12:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:56Speaker 00

  Do you really?

• 1:12:57Speaker 02

  And my grandma and my grandpa met at a rodeo. They used to ride horses in the show.

• 1:13:02Speaker 01

  My grandpa was a cowboy.

• 1:13:03Speaker 02

  Robert and Roberta.

• 1:13:04Speaker 01

  The ranch. Robert and Roberta?

• 1:13:06Speaker 02

  Bobby and Bobby Jean.

• 1:13:07Speaker 00

  Wow. God damn it, I have no, I have no cowboy fucking shit in my blood at all. It sucks.

• 1:13:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you guys have probably some like maritime knowledge. Like you guys are probably at sea.

• 1:13:16Speaker 00

  My dad is nasty with boat knots.

• 1:13:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:18Speaker 00

  I got none of that. Very nasty with them actually.

• 1:13:20Speaker 01

  I'd meet your dad, much like you met that like donkey stomping wolf guy and I'd be like, tell me more, sir. I'm bean dipping myself.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  He would talk, you could talk boat knots for hours.

• 1:13:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:30Speaker 00

  It's actually, I'm pretty jealous of his knot abilities.

• 1:13:32Speaker 01

  Uh huh. When a man knows the exact knot, I'm like, fuck, I didn't learn anything my entire life.

• 1:13:37Speaker 00

  Dude, he's nice with that. And also like trees, it's like tree identification. Like that's a silver birch, that's a, it's like, dude, how do you fucking know all this shit?

• 1:13:44Speaker 01

  I said recently to my wife, I want to see a tree and be able to tell you what kind it is.

• 1:13:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:47Speaker 01

  And she was like, please go to bed.

• 1:13:51Speaker 01

  He was hitting her with this gay barrage constantly. Meanwhile, she's like a dude effectively.

• 1:13:58Speaker 00

  I've been doing that with, with like ducks. Cause we have a pond near my house.

• 1:14:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  It's like, in like the neighborhood, they have, they call it a lake. It's just a giant pond, but they have all these different ducks and I, I've like taken pictures of all of them to like, use like, I use my phone to identify them and I just like memorize it as hard as I can. So like, and I'm just always waiting to like flex duck knowledge.

• 1:14:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:16Speaker 00

  The other day we were up there, we're up there and one of my wife's friends were like, yo, those one ducks look crazy. I'm like, that's a Muscovy. Preying Egyptian goose would walk into the scene.

• 1:14:23Speaker 01

  She's like, take me now, Matthew.

• 1:14:26Speaker 00

  I was flexing on Sean. We were at the Japanese garden in Houston.

• 1:14:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:29Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah?

• 1:14:29Speaker 00

  I was like, that's, he's like, those ducks are crazy. I was like, Egyptian goose. Those things are my favorite.

• 1:14:32Speaker 02

  They are really pretty.

• 1:14:33Speaker 01

  How was that garden?

• 1:14:34Speaker 02

  It's awesome.

• 1:14:35Speaker 00

  It's so fucking sick, actually.

• 1:14:37Speaker 01

  I didn't go yesterday. Yeah.

• 1:14:38Speaker 00

  It's next time, I, we walked around, it's very, really cool.

• 1:14:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:42Speaker 00

  Just getting, it's, it's just like, they have huge like chunks of natural granite, just like big bowlers everywhere, the water running down them, koi ponds. I'm like, fuck.

• 1:14:51Speaker 02

  That park was awesome.

• 1:14:52Speaker 01

  You ever busted those ducks like doing it? You ever seen ducks mate?

• 1:14:56Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:14:56Speaker 01

  They have that classic corkscrew penis.

• 1:14:58Speaker 00

  Really? I always heard that was pigs with the old.

• 1:15:00Speaker 01

  Pigs have a weird one too, bro. That's the tail, but pigs have.

• 1:15:03Speaker 00

  Curly, curly tail?

• 1:15:05Speaker 01

  A chochoed, those things are bad.

• 1:15:07Speaker 00

  What's the pig dick look like?

• 1:15:08Speaker 01

  Uh, I thought it was corkscrew.

• 1:15:09Speaker 00

  Let me look it up.

• 1:15:10Speaker 01

  It's like, I don't think it's completely corkscrew, but I think it does like.

• 1:15:13Speaker 00

  It has a hook?

• 1:15:14Speaker 01

  Can we, can we get that up?

• 1:15:15Speaker 00

  They just have brons.

• 1:15:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:18Speaker 00

  Very bad. Yeah, I'm gonna see a pig dick and then a duck dick, if you don't mind.

• 1:15:22Speaker 01

  And I think duck vaginas evolved to be corkscrews, because ducks rape female ducks all the time.

• 1:15:27Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:15:27Speaker 01

  Right? This is like rave knowledge, you know about this.

• 1:15:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's.

• 1:15:32Speaker 01

  Party safe, right?

• 1:15:33Speaker 00

  That's the pig dick. Oh, so it's got a, yeah, it's got a hook on it. Yeah, check that out.

• 1:15:39Speaker 00

  That's okay. All right, there we go. Oh, wait, is this on screen? You can see, you can show pig dicks on screen, can't you? Yeah, you can totally do that.

• 1:15:49Speaker 01

  Sean's like looking in a mirror, isn't he, buddy?

• 1:15:50Speaker 00

  Is that, oh, that's, that's a pig's butthole for no reason.

• 1:15:54Speaker 01

  All right, I'm back.

• 1:15:55Speaker 00

  You see that? He's lifting the pig's tail. That's a pig butthole right there.

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  This looks like my ass.

• 1:16:02Speaker 00

  Let's see a duck dick. So yeah, the pig has just a little, whoa, yeah, get over there. That's a duck's dick?

• 1:16:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, because I think it was like, I think it was reciprocal evolution, because the female ducks like. Constantly getting raped. Oh, yes, sorry.

• 1:16:16Speaker 00

  Damn, the duck's dick is like, it's like a sine wave. It's kind of tight.

• 1:16:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:16:21Speaker 00

  Okay, so the. It's like Dig Dug, when you have to shoot the things.

• 1:16:24Speaker 01

  Like the Asics logo.

• 1:16:27Speaker 00

  Dang. And so that, the duck pussy's like rifle.

• 1:16:30Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:16:30Speaker 00

  Rifle action.

• 1:16:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, because they wanted to prevent being, you know, forcibly impregnated. And then I think their, is this, is this your understanding? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So they have to like relax, just allow. It's like anal. Yeah.

• 1:16:48Speaker 01

  I hated it.

• 1:16:49Speaker 00

  Okay, so in, in nature, though, so you're saying ducks don't have a big courtship element? Because like some, like, you know, residents, so it's just like.

• 1:16:58Speaker 01

  There's no mating dance. No one's showing off the plumage.

• 1:17:00Speaker 00

  Dang, that's, that's a shame.

• 1:17:02Speaker 01

  It's just like, hey, you come here often?

• 1:17:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17:06Speaker 01

  It's pretty much how dudes had sex until like 1975 or whatever.

• 1:17:12Speaker 01

  Hey, you want to be safe? Carry my baby. Yeah.

• 1:17:14Speaker 00

  True. Dang, well, I didn't know that.

• 1:17:17Speaker 01

  And see, you need to have, you could, in your weird menagerie you're building, you could just have like, the penis is growing.

• 1:17:22Speaker 00

  That would be nice.

• 1:17:23Speaker 01

  Like in jars. You would like have the neighborhood kids go, you know?

• 1:17:26Speaker 00

  Duck penis?

• 1:17:27Speaker 01

  Duck penis.

• 1:17:27Speaker 00

  Every now and again, I'd show them mine.

• 1:17:29Speaker 01

  You have a necklace?

• 1:17:32Speaker 01

  Not so different, you and I.

• 1:17:34Speaker 00

  Now compare.

• 1:17:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yours starts corking.

• 1:17:39Speaker 06

  There's a penis documentary coming out about.

• 1:17:42Speaker 01

  Sean, you didn't tell me about your new project.

• 1:17:46Speaker 06

  A guy who's collecting all, every species of penis.

• 1:17:49Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:17:50Speaker 01

  What a.

• 1:17:51Speaker 02

  He's a dickhead.

• 1:17:52Speaker 06

  The American, or like the human penis is, there's two guys competing to donate their penis.

• 1:17:58Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:17:59Speaker 00

  What, once they die?

• 1:18:01Speaker 01

  What? Are they like, the biggest and the smallest?

• 1:18:04Speaker 02

  Some people are doing it, yeah, before they die, alright.

• 1:18:07Speaker 01

  German guy, for sure.

• 1:18:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, for sure.

• 1:18:09Speaker 01

  For sure, German guy.

• 1:18:10Speaker 00

  Whoa, so some guys like just take it now?

• 1:18:12Speaker 01

  He's like, take it now and eat the tip.

• 1:18:14Speaker 02

  What does he win?

• 1:18:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, his penis in the museum.

• 1:18:17Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 1:18:18Speaker 01

  Until there's a flash flood. His dick's washed away.

• 1:18:21Speaker 00

  God, that's so funny. The curator's in there every night, taking him out of the jar and just sucking different animals.

• 1:18:28Speaker 01

  Brushing his teeth with one, yeah.

• 1:18:30Speaker 00

  There's two guys competing for the job?

• 1:18:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:33Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 1:18:33Speaker 01

  Hey, guess what? I'm gonna pull my name out of the hat. Alright, I don't need to be in the race for permanent penis.

• 1:18:38Speaker 00

  To be the curator and be like, I've personally sucked every single one of these penises. Pig penis is exquisite.

• 1:18:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, you have to try the duck.

• 1:18:45Speaker 00

  Dude, imagine just sucking like a fly's penis?

• 1:18:50Speaker 02

  That'd be a bummer.

• 1:18:51Speaker 01

  A praying mantis penis, yeah. Oh, I'm intrigued to know all the different sex genitalia.

• 1:18:56Speaker 00

  That would be kinda cool. It'd be, it's so funny. He probably approaches it too, like a, you know, has like a cloth over his arm, walks to the jar.

• 1:19:02Speaker 01

  Smiling. Like he's offering you to smell the cork.

• 1:19:06Speaker 00

  Damn, that's too, that's, it's, there's, it never, like, it always amazes me that there are two guys who are like, no, I want my penis in that jar.

• 1:19:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:13Speaker 00

  Wouldn't occur to me. I'd be like, nah, I'm gonna, I would bury me with mine. I don't want it in a jar.

• 1:19:17Speaker 01

  I don't need anyone to know.

• 1:19:17Speaker 00

  People walk into the penis museum and be like.

• 1:19:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, people posing with it.

• 1:19:22Speaker 02

  The water must be cold.

• 1:19:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. Water's cold.

• 1:19:27Speaker 00

  Pickling solutions, chili.

• 1:19:29Speaker 01

  You have to brine the penises once a quarter.

• 1:19:33Speaker 02

  I don't want to be nasty, but you figure like.

• 1:19:35Speaker 01

  You should give him your penis.

• 1:19:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:37Speaker 01

  He'd be lucky to have it.

• 1:19:38Speaker 02

  I need mine for a while longer.

• 1:19:40Speaker 01

  For going bowling.

• 1:19:42Speaker 02

  Freaking, you figure there'd be extra penises laying around with gender reassignment surgeries and things like that, you know?

• 1:19:49Speaker 00

  True.

• 1:19:51Speaker 02

  Like I figure it would be too hard to find one.

• 1:19:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is kind of a shame. We're just, yeah, we're gonna cut a guy's off. Although.

• 1:19:58Speaker 01

  Don't they turn it inside out? I feel like they keep most of the penis to create like a clitoral situation.

• 1:20:07Speaker 01

  Don't pull that up, please.

• 1:20:10Speaker 01

  Quit typing.

• 1:20:10Speaker 00

  I think you're right. I don't think they, oh, maybe, do they hack the whole thing off?

• 1:20:13Speaker 02

  I know Nate, Nate, cause Nate talks about it on stage, but.

• 1:20:16Speaker 00

  That was the balls.

• 1:20:17Speaker 02

  Keep the testies. Yeah. You could keep your testies like they're tonsils or whatever.

• 1:20:20Speaker 00

  I've said before, castrating the penis, but keeping your balls would be the most powerful.

• 1:20:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:25Speaker 00

  That's definitely test maxing for sure.

• 1:20:27Speaker 01

  Oh, you just come to the table?

• 1:20:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:29Speaker 01

  Plop them?

• 1:20:29Speaker 00

  Just, you're just balls. You have no release, but you're still producing all like the hormones and shit you need. That would be pretty powerful.

• 1:20:34Speaker 01

  It's like a samurai situation.

• 1:20:36Speaker 00

  It really would be.

• 1:20:36Speaker 01

  In complete control.

• 1:20:38Speaker 00

  You would be.

• 1:20:38Speaker 01

  Huh.

• 1:20:39Speaker 00

  You'd have no outlet. You'd just have to.

• 1:20:41Speaker 01

  Or you do. And it's just like a hole that weeps every now and then.

• 1:20:47Speaker 02

  Drooling hole.

• 1:20:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. Hey, baby. Wanna see my drooling hole?

• 1:20:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause your body.

• 1:20:52Speaker 01

  My wound's excited. Honey, get me a diaper. I'm feeling you.

• 1:20:58Speaker 02

  Yuck.

• 1:21:00Speaker 00

  Oh, boy.

• 1:21:01Speaker 01

  Drooling hole. But hey, enough about my wife. No. I love her.

• 1:21:06Speaker 00

  Your oozing hole.

• 1:21:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'm gonna call her. I'll be like, hey, baby, can I get a taste of that oozing hole?

• 1:21:13Speaker 00

  You'd have to rely on wet dreams. You'd have wet dreams like once a quarter.

• 1:21:16Speaker 01

  Rely on wet dreams. What a hell. That's your only release.

• 1:21:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't think I've ever had a full wet dream.

• 1:21:23Speaker 01

  Brother, I have.

• 1:21:24Speaker 02

  I've had.

• 1:21:25Speaker 01

  Let me tell you.

• 1:21:26Speaker 00

  I wish, man. I've had maybe one, but I it's I wasn't like.

• 1:21:29Speaker 02

  Soiled moundies.

• 1:21:31Speaker 01

  I had one in the top bunk one time.

• 1:21:33Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:21:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, my cousin was down below and I had to figure out.

• 1:21:36Speaker 02

  As soon as it raining.

• 1:21:38Speaker 01

  Hey, your hole's weeping.

• 1:21:41Speaker 01

  Someone's balls are full. Yeah, wet dreams are gross.

• 1:21:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, you know what? Yeah, cuz you don't like, I feel like in a wet dream, I don't think you like fully bust in a wet dream.

• 1:21:51Speaker 01

  I've never had the situation where I'm like enjoying having sex and then I climax. It's always like I'm about to have sex with someone and then I like nut. And then there's like a shame in the dream and then you wake up and the shame is real.

• 1:22:05Speaker 00

  It's like when you get caught in a dream and your arm's bleeding, you're like, whoa, what the fuck?

• 1:22:08Speaker 01

  Holy cow.

• 1:22:09Speaker 00

  It's real.

• 1:22:10Speaker 01

  But instead of like, you know, seeing the bleeding arm, pulling out the sword you're carrying and like cutting off the pirate's head.

• 1:22:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:22:15Speaker 01

  And you just wake up and you're like, oh, God.

• 1:22:18Speaker 00

  It's already cold.

• 1:22:18Speaker 01

  I have to call sheath again.

• 1:22:21Speaker 01

  I sleep nude too, so like.

• 1:22:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I had to stop when I had kids.

• 1:22:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, good call.

• 1:22:25Speaker 00

  Now I can't, I can't sleep nude cuz I have kids.

• 1:22:27Speaker 01

  Bit about crawling into bed.

• 1:22:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's awesome.

• 1:22:30Speaker 01

  It's a good hour, bro.

• 1:22:31Speaker 00

  Thank you, bro. I appreciate it. I was, I was downcast. I wasn't too downcast, but I was.

• 1:22:36Speaker 01

  Sunday night scaries, you're done?

• 1:22:37Speaker 00

  I was over it. Yeah, I was done. I was just like, ugh, fuck.

• 1:22:40Speaker 02

  Easter Sunday two, long day.

• 1:22:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, Easter weekend. Easter's feeling less and less like a real holiday.

• 1:22:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's sort of a bummer. The bowling alley was crowded and I was like, shouldn't we all?

• 1:22:51Speaker 01

  Is it like a Jewish thing?

• 1:22:53Speaker 02

  They didn't look Jewish.

• 1:22:54Speaker 01

  Like Chinese food on Christmas?

• 1:22:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:22:58Speaker 00

  What were the Jews up to? There was only one Jew at the show last night.

• 1:23:01Speaker 01

  Well, it's cuz it's a real hard loss for them.

• 1:23:03Speaker 00

  True.

• 1:23:03Speaker 01

  They need to, they need to think it over.

• 1:23:05Speaker 00

  That was killing me.

• 1:23:06Speaker 01

  They need to just sit this one out, Jews. Thought you had it.

• 1:23:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I thought it was gonna be just nothing but.

• 1:23:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, just a victory lap?

• 1:23:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23:18Speaker 00

  Well, goddamn dude, I think we did it, man.

• 1:23:20Speaker 01

  What a joy. Thanks for having me, guys.

• 1:23:22Speaker 00

  Didn't give you the goddamn proper introduction. You're the man. You are the absolute man. I was, it was a joy. I was, I was telling my wife, I was like, I was watching you. Actually was up there on the balcony and I was, I was so, I just got like stuck watching you and I was like, fuck, come on next. What time? I was like, thank God I didn't just like miss it.

• 1:23:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:37Speaker 00

  See, I would have been like up there. I had to run all the way down.

• 1:23:39Speaker 01

  We're lucky that like the guys we get to hang out with are like good at the thing, you know? It's like really hard to like be friends with comics getting older if they're like not good.

• 1:23:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23:49Speaker 01

  You know? So it's like, it was fun to watch you up there with Butterly and Mary Jo and be like, this guy's really good. And like, I have his phone number. That's cool. He's like one of the best guys.

• 1:23:57Speaker 00

  I was, I was going, this is Sensei. I was watching you. I was going, dude, that's a truly liberated man.

• 1:24:01Speaker 01

  I don't know 15 minutes, cause like I don't do showcases.

• 1:24:04Speaker 00

  That's why I felt bad. Cause I was like, that's why I was like, ah, cause it's weird doing a short timer. You're used to headlining.

• 1:24:08Speaker 01

  Well, it's okay though. Like it's a skill I have to learn, you know? It's not a big deal, but I am up there like trying, like I'm bailing on bits. Cause like, I'm like, okay, this, I have to just get to the next thing, you know?

• 1:24:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:17Speaker 01

  Yeah. It was fun, man.

• 1:24:18Speaker 00

  Awesome. What you crushed.

• 1:24:19Speaker 01

  Well, thank you for having me. Thanks for having me on the pod.

• 1:24:21Speaker 00

  Dude, of course. Thanks for coming.

• 1:24:22Speaker 01

  Of course, man.

• 1:24:23Speaker 00

  Bye.

• 1:24:24Speaker 01

  Goodbye.

• 1:24:25Matt McCusker?

  Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:24:29Speaker 05

  Do it.

• 1:24:33Speaker 05

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• 1:25:03Speaker 06

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