"RE-RELEASE: Maya Rudolph"

Superhero Maya Rudolph skydives in for some cork-popping fun on another juicy episode of the pod. Songs are sung, stories are told, and Maya educates us all, by example, on how to be the coolest cucumber around. This episode was originally released on 9/7/2020.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Sean Hayes?

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• 0:42Speaker 01

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• 2:05Jason Bateman?

  Hello, welcome to Smart List. I am Jason Bateman, one of the less smart hosts. Even less smart is Will Arnett, and truly dumb is Sean Hayes. We each have invited, well, one of us invites a guest per week. The other two don't know who that person is. Some of it's gonna be funny, hopefully you won't cry, and hopefully you learn a little something. So let's get started.

• 2:43Sean Hayes?

  Well, here's the sad part. You have Chumbawamba on your thing, ready to go, and it's not a joke.

• 2:48Jason Bateman?

  No, it's a ringtone. Probably, he's getting a call, I think.

• 2:51Will Arnett?

  I've been going so Chumbawamba-heavy lately on the, I keep going like, mid-conversation, Alessandra will say something, and I'll just go, "You know, the thing about me is, I get knocked down, but I get up again." And she's like, "Shh." But between that and my 10-year love affair with figuring out who let the dogs out.

• 3:10Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 3:12Jason Bateman?

  Oh, but what about that, that, that, what's that crap-ass band? Well, actually, I've never heard their music, but their goddamn name, uh...

• 3:20Will Arnett?

  Bon Iver?

• 3:21Jason Bateman?

  Bon Iver, yeah.

• 3:23Sean Hayes?

  What's Bon Iver?

• 3:23Will Arnett?

  First of all, Bon Iver's a great band.

• 3:25Jason Bateman?

  So is it, wait, hang on. B-O-N-E-Y, and then, and then V-A-R, something like that?

• 3:31Will Arnett?

  Yeah, that's what it is, you fucking idiot.

• 3:33Jason Bateman?

  What's a Bon Iver? Like, what, there'd be like a fat bear?

• 3:40Sean Hayes?

  Wait, what song are they singing? Why, what is it?

• 3:42Will Arnett?

  It's B-O-N, and then, uh, space, I-V-E-R.

• 3:46Sean Hayes?

  Oh, he likes it because it's French, and he's like, "I can speak French."

• 3:49Will Arnett?

  It's not French. He's from fucking Wisconsin, and it's this guy, Justin Vernon, and my friend Chris Messina, who works with the band, and like...

• 3:56Sean Hayes?

  Oh, then they're great.

• 3:57Will Arnett?

  I don't know where our guest is, but I, but I guarantee you that they like Bon Iver. I have this feeling that they do.

• 4:04Jason Bateman?

  How much you wanna bet?

• 4:05Will Arnett?

  Do you wanna do a real bet?

• 4:06Sean Hayes?

  Wait, I want...

• 4:07Will Arnett?

  $100 Canadian dollars.

• 4:08Jason Bateman?

  Sean, you know who this is, so you can't chime in.

• 4:10Will Arnett?

  $100 Canadian dollars, right now.

• 4:13Jason Bateman?

  Great, so it's a $5 bet? Is that what you're saying?

• 4:15Will Arnett?

  You know what, dude, that's so insulting. That's so insulting to me and to all my Canadian brethren, who, I'm gonna publish, I'm gonna put your address online.

• 4:23Jason Bateman?

  Oh, right on, right on. Well, just give her.

• 4:26Sean Hayes?

  Wait, can I tell you guys something that I was, Scotty and I were watching?

• 4:29Will Arnett?

  Hey, were you just changing your diaper? What did you just pull out from your pants?

• 4:34Jason Bateman?

  Why do you wear a pashmina as a diaper?

• 4:37Sean Hayes?

  Because it was cold and now it's hot. I was watching Field of Dreams last night. I've never seen the movie.

• 4:44Will Arnett?

  Okay, hold for applause? What are you doing? Okay.

• 4:47Sean Hayes?

  No, it was really good, but I mean, it's kind of a long way to go to tell a story about playing catch with your dad. But I get it. It was sweet. You know, Scotty's like, you know, all these people won Academy Awards. I don't know, they were nominated or something. And then we started having this conversation about who would we conjure up from the past that like, if you could, who would that be for you guys? Who would it be?

• 5:06Will Arnett?

  Hey, listen, Jason played catch with his dad at home, and by his dad, I mean the security guy at Fox. And by catch, I mean smoking butts behind stage five. But, look.

• 5:19Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. Oh, God. All right, well, we'll get to that later.

• 5:23Jason Bateman?

  Sean, who are you so rudely keeping waiting?

• 5:26Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 5:26Sean Hayes?

  On our little podcast today, we have a gorgeous woman, inside and out, who we all know, we're all friends with.

• 5:32Jason Bateman?

  Really?

• 5:32Sean Hayes?

  And we all love. She is a light, guys. Her lineage is filled with all kinds of famous people. I'm trying to build even the slightest bit of anticipation because you're gonna know who it is. Let me try with this one, this random thing. She graduated college with a degree in photography. Can you guess who that is?

• 5:48Jason Bateman?

  Annie Leibowitz.

• 5:49Sean Hayes?

  That's it. She's a staple in the history of American comedy, will be remembered forever for her many contributions in film and television. She's trending so goddamn hard on social media right now because of her impression of Kamala Harris. It's Maya Rudolph!

• 6:02Jason Bateman?

  No way!

• 6:07Jason Bateman?

  Look at this.

• 6:09Will Arnett?

  Pop the cork.

• 6:13Jason Bateman?

  Oh, my God.

• 6:13Speaker 06

  I was trying to sing Bon Iver.

• 6:19Jason Bateman?

  Okay, so wait.

• 6:20Will Arnett?

  Right? How good is Bon Iver?

• 6:22Speaker 06

  Bon Iver is great. I listened to the whole thing and I felt bad for Bateman because he sounded old.

• 6:28Will Arnett?

  I know, didn't he? And now you look at him, he looks old.

• 6:31Jason Bateman?

  That's fucked up. So they're less gross than the name.

• 6:35Speaker 06

  They're a person, I think, right? Isn't it a person?

• 6:39Will Arnett?

  It's Justin Vernon, pretty much. And he has other guys who are in the band as well. Shawn Carey, who plays, but they're good friends of mine. They're great guys and they make great music.

• 6:48Sean Hayes?

  Hi, Maya Rudolph.

• 6:49Will Arnett?

  Hi, Maya Rudolph.

• 6:50Speaker 06

  Hi, guys.

• 6:51Sean Hayes?

  Thanks for being here.

• 6:53Speaker 06

  Sorry for the mood lighting. I'm in a cave. It's the only quiet place at my house.

• 6:57Sean Hayes?

  No, I was gonna say, thank you for the mood lighting.

• 6:59Will Arnett?

  I'm gonna join you.

• 7:01Speaker 06

  It's a wankfest here.

• 7:04Will Arnett?

  Welcome, welcome to my jack shack.

• 7:06Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, he was talking about that the other day, how he, you bounced that name off of you.

• 7:10Will Arnett?

  Do you remember I used to say that to you?

• 7:12Speaker 06

  Did you finally build your jack shack?

• 7:15Sean Hayes?

  He's in it right now. Look at him.

• 7:17Speaker 06

  I can see it.

• 7:17Sean Hayes?

  He's got a smile on his face.

• 7:19Speaker 06

  And no pantalones.

• 7:21Jason Bateman?

  Now, Maya, the reason you're looking for quiet is because there are six, seventeen kids? Eighteen kids over there, right?

• 7:29Speaker 06

  Eighteen, Jason, eighteen.

• 7:31Jason Bateman?

  Good for you.

• 7:32Speaker 06

  I like to pop them out.

• 7:37Speaker 06

  There is nothing elastic about my lower region. Nothing. It's basically like when you get a grocery bag.

• 7:44Jason Bateman?

  Yep.

• 7:45Speaker 06

  And something has spilled, and then everything just falls out of the bottom.

• 7:50Jason Bateman?

  So the bottom got too saturated.

• 7:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 7:53Jason Bateman?

  And now it's useless to you. So kids are falling out daily.

• 7:57Speaker 06

  Falling out daily.

• 7:58Sean Hayes?

  Your kids love that description of how they came into the world.

• 8:02Speaker 06

  My son, well, my son thinks that he came out of my butt, because he saw like a birth video. So we like to keep it that way.

• 8:12Will Arnett?

  My son said the other day, little Abel said the other day, he was in the backseat. My Archie and I were arguing about the genesis of, this is terrible parenting, of Grand Theft Auto games and which one came first, GTA V. And Abel's in the backseat, I go, hey, Abe, real quick, could you Wikipedia? And he cuts me off and he goes, how babies are made? You got it.

• 8:34Jason Bateman?

  He's got them on his favorites. It's just a one, one button. You know, Maya, your husband did describe having a bunch of kids running around the house. He says it's so great, use a better word, it's like having a fire burning in each room. It's all warm and cozy.

• 8:48Sean Hayes?

  He said that?

• 8:49Speaker 06

  He said that?

• 8:49Jason Bateman?

  Well, he's a bit of a poet.

• 8:51Speaker 06

  I thought he was gonna tell the Jim Gaffigan joke about how it's like, because Jim Gaffigan has five, right? And I think his joke was, having a fifth kid is like swimming in a pool and you're drowning and someone hands you a baby.

• 9:10Speaker 06

  It's a bit overwhelming. I have to say that being in quarantine with four kids is great because I would be very depressed if I was not very busy. It would be a lot more quiet and depressing.

• 9:26Will Arnett?

  Look at Sean.

• 9:27Speaker 06

  Yeah, look at Sean.

• 9:28Sean Hayes?

  I just got up.

• 9:29Will Arnett?

  Sean is so low right now, he's so, he'd have to rally to die. That's how low.

• 9:34Speaker 06

  How many books is your computer on right now?

• 9:37Sean Hayes?

  Uh, Mike, Mike.

• 9:38Speaker 06

  Is, is yo, is yo computer on?

• 9:40Sean Hayes?

  Uh, my, my computer is actually on a stand right now. But I like to say the books behind me on the shelf, I've read every single one of those jackets.

• 9:48Will Arnett?

  Nice, oh, nice.

• 9:50Speaker 06

  Oh, boy.

• 9:50Will Arnett?

  Who do you say that to, to Scotty, or?

• 9:52Sean Hayes?

  And I say to anybody who'll listen, but.

• 9:55Speaker 06

  He says it to all the living members of Chumbawamba.

• 9:58Jason Bateman?

  Maya, are those kids old enough to help out around the house, or are they just asking you to help them find things to do?

• 10:04Sean Hayes?

  Cause that is the only reason Jason had children.

• 10:07Jason Bateman?

  Right, I just, I can't keep them entertained.

• 10:09Speaker 06

  Do you have any teenagers yet?

• 10:11Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I got a 13-year-old and an eight-year-old.

• 10:13Speaker 06

  The problem with the teen part is I feel really badly for them because they want to be social, um, but then I all, don't want them to be on their fucking devices all day long.

• 10:24Jason Bateman?

  But then you gotta talk to them. If they're off the device, then you have to talk to them.

• 10:28Speaker 06

  It's killing me, and I also feel like.

• 10:30Jason Bateman?

  Lesser the two evils is just a, a thicker data plan, right?

• 10:33Speaker 06

  Yeah, oh, I thought you meant dad plan, yeah.

• 10:36Will Arnett?

  Let's let Bateman keep talking, let him hang himself, keep going, dude, what is it?

• 10:40Jason Bateman?

  Um, so, oh, so, uh, one teenager or two teenagers?

• 10:44Speaker 06

  I have one teenager, she's 14.

• 10:46Jason Bateman?

  The others are?

• 10:47Speaker 06

  Uh, I have no idea, no, um, 10, 9, and 7, almost 11, 9 and 7.

• 10:53Jason Bateman?

  Is the 14-year-old, uh, a, a nightmare? Has she found her sass yet at 14?

• 10:58Speaker 06

  No, she's not a nightmare, she's the opposite, so I feel really bad, cause she's a nice person.

• 11:03Sean Hayes?

  That's Pearl, right?

• 11:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:05Sean Hayes?

  I love her.

• 11:06Jason Bateman?

  Don't show off, Sean. You know, we all have Google.

• 11:08Speaker 06

  Sean is godparent to all of my children.

• 11:11Jason Bateman?

  Is that true?

• 11:12Speaker 06

  No.

• 11:12Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, and like my dad, I've never shown up for them.

• 11:16Jason Bateman?

  Are you guys godparents to anybody?

• 11:18Speaker 06

  No.

• 11:18Sean Hayes?

  I am.

• 11:19Speaker 06

  I don't even, I don't know what that means. What does it mean?

• 11:21Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I don't either, because I think I failed.

• 11:23Sean Hayes?

  Well, we are. We're actually very active godparents, me and Scotty, to Jonah and Sammy. Carrie Asley's children.

• 11:29Speaker 06

  You are?

• 11:30Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. And so, and we're very active, and legally, it's just somebody in the highly unlikely and hopeful never happening case, where something happens to them, we are the legal guardians.

• 11:41Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 11:42Will Arnett?

  I don't think that's always the case.

• 11:43Speaker 06

  It's not a religious thing?

• 11:44Will Arnett?

  No, it used to be a religious thing, and I think now it's much more of a just sort of a custom thing that you do. And, babe, and listen, should we be godparents to each other's kids, just out of safety?

• 11:54Jason Bateman?

  No, no, no, we're all set.

• 11:54Will Arnett?

  I'm good. Want to send over the paperwork?

• 11:57Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah, no, Amanda's got it handled, bro. We're all good. How about a question for Maya?

• 12:02Will Arnett?

  You don't even know what for dinner.

• 12:03Sean Hayes?

  Maya's actually the godparent to Scotty.

• 12:07Speaker 06

  I am.

• 12:08Jason Bateman?

  Does she powder and swaddle him?

• 12:10Speaker 06

  Yes, I do.

• 12:12Sean Hayes?

  Maya, I have to say a couple things. One is...

• 12:15Speaker 06

  I love you too.

• 12:17Sean Hayes?

  I do, I really do love you, and I miss you, and I feel like I never see you.

• 12:20Speaker 06

  I know, I love you too.

• 12:21Sean Hayes?

  But...

• 12:21Speaker 06

  I don't ever see you.

• 12:22Sean Hayes?

  I know, it's, it's wrong, but the, first of all, I have to say the thing that we all know, but not everybody knows, which is that your mom is Minnie Riperton, who sang "Loving You."

• 12:33Speaker 06

  I was so surprised that you threw in the lineage thing. These dudes are like, "Who? What?"

• 12:37Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, I don't even know Bonnie Berry is.

• 12:39Will Arnett?

  Come on.

• 12:40Sean Hayes?

  Your grandfather owned all the Wendy's in like Florida or something?

• 12:44Speaker 06

  Uh, yes, I grew up in Florida.

• 12:46Sean Hayes?

  Hang on.

• 12:47Speaker 06

  Sidney Rudolph.

• 12:48Sean Hayes?

  Free burgers for life, or?

• 12:50Speaker 06

  So supposedly, my grandfather and his brother were these big time business boys back in the day, and he came up with this idea for a company called Trip Charge, and where it was like you could, you could get a card and charge it when you were on a trip. This was before the credit card was invented. And it was such a great idea that he sold the idea to Diners Club. Way to go, Sid Rudolph.

• 13:15Jason Bateman?

  Is Diners Club still around?

• 13:16Speaker 06

  I don't know, but I guess he straight up gave him the idea for the, for the credit card.

• 13:21Jason Bateman?

  So Diners Club was just for restaurants? Is that what it was?

• 13:23Speaker 06

  That's a great question. I don't know. I don't know if it was like a traveler's check situation for going out.

• 13:28Jason Bateman?

  I remember those, traveler's checks.

• 13:29Will Arnett?

  I know, traveler's checks. Carte blanche, remember carte blanche was a thing for a minute?

• 13:33Speaker 06

  What was carte blanche?

• 13:34Will Arnett?

  It's similar, it's like Diners Club.

• 13:36Speaker 06

  I thought it was like, oh, carte blanche, and you just say it.

• 13:39Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I like, I like, speaking of the Rudolphs, how is your dad?

• 13:42Speaker 06

  He's good. Are you asking about my sweet dad? Isn't my dad the best?

• 13:46Will Arnett?

  He's so sweet.

• 13:47Speaker 06

  He's that guy my whole life that people ask me about. I just got another one today. I'm, look, look at Bateman. Bateman's like, I don't know your dad. What hap, why, why don't I get to meet your dad?

• 13:56Will Arnett?

  Her dad is such a cool guy, and you would be well served, this is like the bunny bear thing, you would be well served to take that scowl off your face.

• 14:03Jason Bateman?

  That's my rest face now. I have a heavy brow. I need a lift.

• 14:07Jason Bateman?

  But I am talking a lot about this. I constantly look like I'm, I just said, what did you say?

• 14:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 14:14Jason Bateman?

  That's, that's the, that's my rest face.

• 14:16Speaker 06

  Yeah, mine too.

• 14:17Will Arnett?

  Wait, are you just coming to terms with this?

• 14:19Jason Bateman?

  Just to get to regular, I have to, I have to pretend I've just said, oh, I see. That's what I had, that's what I had, that, that lifts things up to where his center is.

• 14:29Speaker 06

  I think it's from years of being funny and years of emoting, and now your skin is relaxing into itself. I have developed really gnarly eye bags, and I think it's from years of rubber face.

• 14:39Will Arnett?

  Me too, Maya.

• 14:40Jason Bateman?

  Maybe you and I can find a doctor that can just cinch us up in all the places.

• 14:44Speaker 06

  Does eyes and vaginas, yeah.

• 14:46Jason Bateman?

  Probably somebody in the valley somewhere.

• 14:49Speaker 06

  They're kind of similar. They're similar areas.

• 14:53Speaker 06

  Get your eyes and vaginas done here.

• 14:56Jason Bateman?

  That's like shampoo and shampoo.

• 14:57Will Arnett?

  Shampoo and shampoo. That was Ali's.

• 15:00Speaker 06

  Shampoo and shampoo.

• 15:01Will Arnett?

  Shampoo and in the back you get shampoo.

• 15:05Speaker 06

  Maya, here's a very dark, dark story. Oh, Ali.

• 15:07Will Arnett?

  But hang on, before you get into this, I do want to say this, I want to get this.

• 15:09Speaker 06

  That I went on a date with, with Ali?

• 15:11Will Arnett?

  You went on a date with Ali, wait, this is-

• 15:13Sean Hayes?

  What do you mean?

• 15:13Speaker 06

  I went on a date with Ali in New York and he took me to see Puppetry of the Penis. Do you remember that show?

• 15:18Sean Hayes?

  Wait, yes, I saw it in England, it was terrible. Wait, Ali, who's Ali?

• 15:23Speaker 06

  Ali Farnakian.

• 15:24Will Arnett?

  Larry Farnakian, he's a good, he's a funny guy. He's the guy who came up with Shampooosh and Shampooosh, no, married with a couple of kids. And we used to-

• 15:31Speaker 06

  And both named Shampooosh and Shampooosh.

• 15:33Will Arnett?

  Shampooosh, and we used to pass Puppetry of the Penis all the time on the way home on 7th Avenue. And then we used to also, Amy and I used to always pass and we'd always say to each other, that my favorite title for a play was, "I love you, you're perfect, now change."

• 15:48Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 15:49Sean Hayes?

  I saw Puppetry of the Penis, I thought it was gonna be like this brilliant thing, it was just guys playing with the dicks on stage.

• 15:53Speaker 06

  It was so painful and awful looking, a lot of, a lot of stretching of skin.

• 15:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Jason Bateman?

  Wait, so there was actual frontal nudity all the way through it?

• 16:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 16:02Jason Bateman?

  Really?

• 16:03Will Arnett?

  Are they cut or uncut?

• 16:04Speaker 06

  Uh, they were, well, they're Australian, so.

• 16:06Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 16:07Will Arnett?

  So uncut, yeah.

• 16:07Jason Bateman?

  Uncut, so snutters?

• 16:10Speaker 06

  Wait, what?

• 16:11Jason Bateman?

  It's a snutter, right?

• 16:13Speaker 06

  It's called a snutter?

• 16:14Jason Bateman?

  I believe so.

• 16:15Speaker 06

  I've never-

• 16:16Jason Bateman?

  If it still has its little turtleneck.

• 16:18Speaker 06

  I'm a disgusting foul person and I've never heard that term.

• 16:21Will Arnett?

  What about aardvark? We used to call them aardvarks.

• 16:23Speaker 06

  Yeah, sure, aardvark is standard.

• 16:24Will Arnett?

  I love the idea that Bateman goes in to get a facelift and the doctor says, "No, just, uh, just do the surprise face more."

• 16:31Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, "And could you take care of my snuts?"

• 16:35Speaker 06

  How many snutters do you have?

• 16:36Jason Bateman?

  I've got three penises.

• 16:39Sean Hayes?

  Sean, I cut you off 10 minutes ago. You cut me off 10 years ago, but that's okay.

• 16:43Speaker 06

  Hi-o.

• 16:46Sean Hayes?

  No, no, I was just gonna tell a story about my mom who passed away like two or three years ago, God rest her soul, best mom in the whole wide world, darkest sense of humor, that's why it's okay to tell this story, she would even laugh at this. And so when she was two years old, she had cancer and they removed her eye, the entire eye out of her socket.

• 17:02Speaker 06

  I knew that.

• 17:02Sean Hayes?

  And it wasn't until she passed away that I found her old medical records from when she was a kid and realized and learned that they took skin from around her vagina to reshape her eye socket, which was kind of astonishing back then. But, you know, I shared this story with a friend of mine and he said, "Wait a minute, you're just telling me this now? The whole time I knew her, I could've fucked her in the eye."

• 17:22Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 17:26Will Arnett?

  I thought you were gonna say, I thought you were gonna say to her, everybody looked like a cunt.

• 17:29Speaker 06

  Oh my god. It's brilliant.

• 17:33Jason Bateman?

  That's better than everything I was working on.

• 17:37Jason Bateman?

  I had tear duct stuff and.

• 17:38Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 17:40Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 17:41Will Arnett?

  Okay, okay.

• 17:43Jason Bateman?

  Maya, I'm so sorry.

• 17:45Speaker 06

  This is an X-rated show, right?

• 17:47Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, no, we're gonna cut that out. So listen.

• 17:50Speaker 06

  God, that's really funny.

• 17:56Sean Hayes?

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• 18:41Sean Hayes?

  Investing involves risk. Performance not guaranteed. Betterment does not provide tax advice. TLH may not be suitable for all investors.

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Learn more at betterment.com/TLH-TERMS. Paid client ad. Views may not be representative. See App Store and Google Play reviews. Learn more at betterment.com/ambassadors.

• 18:56Speaker 02

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• 19:55Speaker 03

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• 20:53Sean Hayes?

  So I want to ask you seriously, back to Minnie, your mom. Your dad produced that record from your mom, right?

• 21:00Speaker 06

  Yeah, they wrote a bunch of songs together and stuff.

• 21:03Sean Hayes?

  So, another common question, and I'm sorry, but I think you and your...

• 21:07Speaker 06

  Did I get laid? Yes, I did.

• 21:14Sean Hayes?

  But did you, because you have a great singing voice, too. Did you ever want to do albums and all that and sing and perform like that?

• 21:20Speaker 06

  I think the performing part, yes, but the singing part, I knew very early on that I did not have the vocal range of my mother.

• 21:27Sean Hayes?

  Well, because you were surrounded by music the whole time.

• 21:29Speaker 06

  Yeah, musical, but I don't have that kind of a voice. I mean, when the standard is like a seven octave range, you're sort of like, I'm good. But I like, I like making music. I do like making music. I think now that I'm almost 50, I'll probably start publicly making music, now that I'm not as afraid as I used to be.

• 21:49Jason Bateman?

  How does one start? Is it like you start with jingles?

• 21:53Speaker 06

  Yeah, you know, like you write songs about lettuce. You're like.

• 21:56Jason Bateman?

  Uh huh, here we come.

• 21:57Speaker 06

  Light and free.

• 21:59Jason Bateman?

  Cold and crispy.

• 22:00Speaker 06

  That's the way it should be. Crispy too, that's right, Bateman.

• 22:05Jason Bateman?

  Mm hmm, swallow it down. Firm yourself.

• 22:08Will Arnett?

  Bateman brand lettuce, the crispier.

• 22:10Sean Hayes?

  Um, do any of your kids wanna do like, open their mouths and make sounds that sound like music?

• 22:15Speaker 06

  They're very, they all seem to wanna be filmmakers, so that's definitely happening.

• 22:20Sean Hayes?

  Cause your husband, or your partner is Paul Thomas Anderson.

• 22:22Speaker 06

  All of the above. He's all of those things. And, you know, and they have iMovie, so they make a lot of, um, movies all the time, which is pretty damn cute.

• 22:30Jason Bateman?

  All four of them.

• 22:31Sean Hayes?

  Oh, that's great.

• 22:31Jason Bateman?

  Truly?

• 22:32Speaker 06

  Mm hmm.

• 22:33Will Arnett?

  When my, uh, when Archie was born, the night he was born, it was a Saturday night, and of course, Amy didn't make the show that night.

• 22:40Speaker 06

  We were supposed to do a Bronx beat that night.

• 22:42Will Arnett?

  You're supposed to do.

• 22:43Sean Hayes?

  You're talking about Amy Poehler from Saturday Night Live is your ex-wife of.

• 22:46Speaker 06

  Don't forget, well, your OB died.

• 22:49Will Arnett?

  Our OB died the day before, so the day that.

• 22:51Sean Hayes?

  Wait, what?

• 22:53Will Arnett?

  So it was the first time Ham was hosting SNL, do you remember? So Ham was hosting and I was.

• 22:57Sean Hayes?

  John Ham.

• 22:58Will Arnett?

  They were shooting, uh, John Ham, Sean, I love.

• 23:01Jason Bateman?

  Thanks, Sean.

• 23:01Will Arnett?

  Sean is like a, is like an audio chiron.

• 23:03Sean Hayes?

  Well, and you know what? And here's the thing, by the way, I have to jump in. So my sister and all her friends live in Wisconsin and they listen to these podcasts and she's like, I don't know what they're talking about half the time. They're talking about names, so that's why I'm plugging in all these names, cause they don't.

• 23:15Will Arnett?

  You know what my advice to your sister is? Move, okay? So anyway, anyway, that's fair enough, that's fair enough. So John Ham, first time he's hosting, so we go and we're gonna, we're supposed to go to this, um, uh, doctor's appointment and the OB dies. He dies that day.

• 23:28Sean Hayes?

  Are you being serious? That's crazy.

• 23:30Will Arnett?

  That's what, yeah, so he was old.

• 23:31Speaker 06

  He was old.

• 23:32Will Arnett?

  He was very old.

• 23:33Jason Bateman?

  Why was she seeing a guy on his death's doorstep? Did she get a deal on him or something like that? I mean, you feel like you get an OB GYN that, that's got a few more years left.

• 23:42Will Arnett?

  A little more vibrant, yeah. So anyway, so we go in.

• 23:44Speaker 06

  Sometimes you want, sometimes you want the best, you go, you go, you go to the quality.

• 23:49Will Arnett?

  This guy had delivered, this is not a bit, the whole, the big thing was he had delivered Sophia Loren's baby.

• 23:54Speaker 06

  Oh my god.

• 23:55Will Arnett?

  Back in the day, whatever, and we were like, that was great in like 1950.

• 23:58Speaker 06

  Beautiful baby, that was a beautiful baby.

• 24:01Will Arnett?

  What a baby. But then apparently he forgot about it, but anyway, look.

• 24:07Will Arnett?

  So, so anyway, we go in and Archie is born and we turn on the show that night and he's a couple hours old and Maya sang a song.

• 24:16Speaker 06

  Oh yeah, Keenan and I, Keenan and I sang a song for little baby Archie.

• 24:20Jason Bateman?

  Really, live?

• 24:21Will Arnett?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:22Sean Hayes?

  Oh, that's so nice.

• 24:23Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 24:24Speaker 06

  I'm nice sometimes, Sean, I really am.

• 24:26Sean Hayes?

  Well, that's not coming through.

• 24:28Speaker 06

  Uh oh, sorry.

• 24:29Sean Hayes?

  You are the nicest, I love you to death, you know that?

• 24:31Speaker 06

  I know, I love you too.

• 24:32Sean Hayes?

  I want to ask you some more stuff, but can I go to SNL, which I know you're probably sick of talking about, but, or maybe you're not, but I...

• 24:39Speaker 06

  I'm cool.

• 24:40Sean Hayes?

  I hosted your first year of SNL, I was a host during your first year.

• 24:45Speaker 06

  Oh, I remember.

• 24:46Sean Hayes?

  And even then, I was like, as I was hosting, I was like, who is this master of comedy, this girl, I just, who I'm falling in love with so quickly without as much as a date?

• 24:58Speaker 06

  I remember the Facts of Life sketch so well that you put up and it was, Mrs. Garrett's stuck a carrot up her butt and that's why her hair's so red, keeps singing, these are the facts of life.

• 25:13Sean Hayes?

  I can't believe you remember that. That is insane.

• 25:18Speaker 06

  Because I couldn't stop singing it afterwards. Mrs. Garrett's stuck a carrot up her butt and that's why her hair's so red, keeps singing.

• 25:32Sean Hayes?

  But it's got, it's got, wait, it's got, wait, it's got a bunch of verses. These are the facts of life. It was, it was...

• 25:41Will Arnett?

  Who wrote that lyric?

• 25:42Speaker 06

  He did.

• 25:43Sean Hayes?

  Me and Raina got super stoned, and Raina's a friend of mine, and wrote this entire song called The Facts of Life, and it went through...

• 25:49Will Arnett?

  Raina's a friend of Sean's who's a cook and who's a very good friend of Sean's. Sorry, keep going.

• 25:54Jason Bateman?

  That's for Wisconsin, yeah.

• 25:56Sean Hayes?

  Uh oh. You're such an asshole.

• 26:01Sean Hayes?

  All right, so wait, so back to SNL. So when you were there, and I know everybody asks this, but for anybody who's not, who's never been part of the institution of comedy, you know, that creates legends like you are now, and yes, you are. Thank you, Sean, you're welcome, Maya.

• 26:17Speaker 06

  No one said anything.

• 26:18Sean Hayes?

  Everyone always asks.

• 26:19Jason Bateman?

  I did want to cut him off again, because I feel like he might land the plane at some point during the fucking podcast. But I did want to say, Maya, you are comedy royalty to me. If anyone was listening to anything I've said over the last 20 years, I reference you all the time.

• 26:35Speaker 06

  You do?

• 26:36Sean Hayes?

  Everybody does.

• 26:37Jason Bateman?

  A certain level of sophistication in comedy, I will say, like Maya Rudolph. And people go, oh, I get it. Now, I swear to God.

• 26:45Speaker 06

  If you're only saying this for me being here today, I do appreciate it.

• 26:49Sean Hayes?

  It's so true, Maya, you know how I feel. You are, you are one of the comedy legends of history, for true.

• 26:55Jason Bateman?

  People get it, it's a very efficient, economical way to say, oh, you would like some smart laughs. Got it.

• 27:02Speaker 06

  Wow, that's a pretty, um, large compliment, thank you, my friend.

• 27:06Jason Bateman?

  It is absolutely true.

• 27:07Will Arnett?

  But I think that what Jason's getting to, not only are you known for that, but I will say that as somebody who has worked with you a bunch over the years, and Sean can attest to this too, and the three of us did work together as well, there is nobody who's quicker, or faster, or better in the moment, and can eke out, make anything funny, even if the scene is terrible, and you want to throw it out, and then find it in the trash and throw it out again, because it's so bad.

• 27:34Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 27:34Will Arnett?

  You have the ability to make every, you bring just, you always bring the element, and this is, I think, the real, the sort of the trademark of somebody who's really funny, you always bring in the element of surprise. You never know what you're gonna do, and it's so, every time, it's so awesome. I always feel, it's exciting doing a scene with you.

• 27:53Speaker 06

  This is why getting old is great, because we all remember things a lot less than what really happened. So your memories, all of your memories of our time together are so vague.

• 28:05Jason Bateman?

  The humility and the deflection, I love it. This is part of the intelligence.

• 28:09Speaker 06

  It's nice, but honestly, it is nice to appreciate. I will, I will get honest promoted. It's nice to appreciate each other as we, as we age, isn't it? It's nice to have like, it's nice to have had fun together. Cause like my, my thing, once I started having kids and having to go to work, I realized like, oh, I have to actually like what I'm doing today, or I'm gonna wanna kill myself.

• 28:30Will Arnett?

  Right, yeah.

• 28:31Speaker 06

  Because it's so depressing when you hate your job and you're, you've left your beautiful babies at home. So, all the time that I've spent with, with you guys and in, out in the world and doing things, I, I cherish those times because all I did was laugh my ass off.

• 28:47Sean Hayes?

  So hard. I remember, I remember there's this one scene that you and I were in in the show called Up All Night.

• 28:52Speaker 06

  Hmm?

• 28:52Sean Hayes?

  Uh, that Will was also in with Christina Applegate.

• 28:54Will Arnett?

  Sure.

• 28:55Speaker 06

  Hmm?

• 28:55Sean Hayes?

  And, uh, those are my reference points, Will. And, uh, and-

• 29:00Will Arnett?

  So what network was it on? Just people don't know.

• 29:03Jason Bateman?

  This was about the, the coke addicts, right?

• 29:07Sean Hayes?

  So, and Maya, you, there's this scene where it wasn't quite there yet with just the rehearsal and the writing and us acting. And we just were trying-

• 29:15Speaker 06

  And I kept saying, "Is it in?"

• 29:17Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, right. And I said, I said, I said, "If you can't feel it by now, it's never gonna be." Uh, and you, and we crafted the scene in such a way that we finally got it there. And then when we shot it, you made, like to Will's point, you made it so funny, I couldn't breathe laughing. And it wasn't a house-

• 29:32Speaker 06

  Oh, was it that Halloween thing?

• 29:34Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 29:34Speaker 06

  Where we were supposed to be dead or something? We were pretending to-

• 29:37Sean Hayes?

  Oh, God, I laughed, sorry.

• 29:38Speaker 06

  Got you.

• 29:38Sean Hayes?

  But, okay, so here's the thing, but now you've accomplished something that-

• 29:42Speaker 06

  God, you really did your homework, Sean. What's happening?

• 29:45Jason Bateman?

  This is the obligation of the host, of the, the person who invites the guest. They need to be the adult, they need to have the question.

• 29:51Speaker 06

  He's so together.

• 29:51Jason Bateman?

  And then the other two idiots get to just throw bombs from the sidelines.

• 29:54Speaker 06

  I've never seen this side of you, Sean.

• 29:56Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, well, it's, it's, it's comforting, isn't it? It's, it's, well, but like to your point-

• 30:02Jason Bateman?

  If you tighten it up, it is.

• 30:03Sean Hayes?

  So-

• 30:06Sean Hayes?

  Bye. Okay, listen, listen to me. Now, you've accomplished something, and now I'm gonna compliment these other two jerks. You've accomplished something that even Jason will have accomplished, and I wanted to talk about this. You all came onto the scene as actors who excel in comedy, and that's kinda what made you famous in the world. And you all have expanded your repertoire and kind of like crushing the dramatic work as well. Like, I even told Jason on Ozark, it's the best work I've ever seen him do. It's, he's incredible on the show, and when he cries, I cry.

• 30:40Jason Bateman?

  Very nice of you. Thank you.

• 30:41Speaker 06

  Look, his face hasn't changed.

• 30:43Sean Hayes?

  But you both, you both excelled at the drama work too, and I know that's hard to accomplish. But what's really hard to accomplish, and you guys have all done it, which is to hold on to a sense of where you came from and acknowledging your comedic roots. Because I feel that a lot of people who are famous because of comedy immediately take themselves too seriously and then lose themselves in the journey to prove that they're more than that. And in doing so, sometimes they fail. I mean, do you know what I mean?

• 31:10Speaker 06

  I think so.

• 31:11Jason Bateman?

  I was guilty of that first season of Ozark. I had the head writer, showrunner, cut out all the comedy that he'd put. It wasn't a ton of comedy, but there were some things that were, and I was like, I was so like, people have to know that this is, this is, this is a drama, you know? And they're gonna think that there's, it's a comedy because I'm in it.

• 31:27Sean Hayes?

  It is a drama.

• 31:28Jason Bateman?

  Well, exactly, but like a great writer does, throws in moments of levity to, you know, and so I got less precious about that in the second season, and people really liked that about his writing and the third season as well. So I got...

• 31:40Will Arnett?

  And that was, the second season is when they stopped calling you precious on set, right?

• 31:44Jason Bateman?

  Yep, yeah, that was the end of that. Figured out what was causing it and put an end to it.

• 31:49Will Arnett?

  I was gonna say, I mean, you guys all know, I mean, comedy is just infinitely more difficult than drama over time. To be consistently, you know, funny, it's much harder than...

• 32:01Sean Hayes?

  Well, dying is easy, comedy is hard. I mean, I have to teach them all these old things.

• 32:05Speaker 06

  Did you just make that up?

• 32:05Jason Bateman?

  Wait, did you just come up with that?

• 32:06Speaker 06

  You're brilliant.

• 32:07Jason Bateman?

  Holy shit.

• 32:08Speaker 06

  I mean, Jesus, we should give you an award.

• 32:11Jason Bateman?

  Sean Hayes, unreal. Write it down real quick, you're sitting at a desk.

• 32:14Sean Hayes?

  Oh, I did, that's why I just read it off my...

• 32:16Speaker 06

  The truth is that, yeah, what I mean, what you're saying, well, is what I feel is like, you know, at a certain point, you realize how they're also the comedy and the drama is few and far between, and you realize how serious and depressed you really are as a comedian internally, and then like, it's all kind of part and parcel, the same thing. So that all the little funny bits make the serious stuff real, and it's all kind of.

• 32:41Will Arnett?

  I like that movie you did with Krasinski, where you guys were, it was funny, but also had dramatic moments. John Krasinski from The Office, Jesus.

• 32:48Speaker 06

  He was on The Office.

• 32:50Will Arnett?

  He was on The Office, Wisconsin.

• 32:53Jason Bateman?

  Sam Mendes directed, yeah?

• 32:55Will Arnett?

  And Sam Mendes directed. And you guys, that was a great, and I, I said this when we made our little show Flake, that not a lot of people saw that was on Netflix, but I used to say, people say, is it a comedy or a drama? I'm like, I don't know. When I wake up in the morning, you don't go like, today's gonna be a comedy day.

• 33:06Speaker 06

  Exactly.

• 33:07Will Arnett?

  Or today's gonna be a drama day. I wanted it to feel like a representation of what a life experience is.

• 33:12Speaker 06

  I mean, other than like Mel Brooks's house, I don't know that most comedy households are always funny, right?

• 33:19Will Arnett?

  No.

• 33:19Jason Bateman?

  They're probably real quiet.

• 33:20Speaker 06

  They're probably really dark.

• 33:22Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, for sure.

• 33:22Speaker 03

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• 34:03Speaker 03

  Learn more at betterment.com. Investing involves risk. Performance not guaranteed. Betterment does not offer tax advice. TLH may not be suitable for all customers. Learn more at betterment.com/tlh-terms.

• 34:18Speaker 03

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• 34:39Jason Bateman?

  Your new system with professional monitoring at simply safe dot com slash SXM. Outdoor deterrence plans start at forty nine ninety nine a month. Visit simply safe dot com slash licenses for alarm license information. Sure. Now, Maya, with all the years of experience that you have and the clear understanding, obviously, of the nuance of comedy as well as drama, do you have any desire to write anything long form or direct anything long form and kind of be the person that navigates all that stuff?

• 35:04Speaker 06

  Directing, no. Directing, I absolutely don't ever want to do. And I think it's the amount of responsibility that's required that makes me feel like itchy and hot. The like knowing that I have to make sure you've got this covered. It's like being the host of a party and making sure everybody's happy. Like, I don't think that's in my nature and I'm and I'm OK with that. That's why I live with a director. I don't want to be one. But I honestly enjoy the producerial side of giving my opinion, putting my time in. I mean, I feel like I'm all I'm gonna be a forever writer in the way that I sort of

• 35:45Speaker 06

  just like haphazardly became a writer at SNL because they just make you write. You don't have a choice and no one really says, hey, you're a writer. Now you're just like, I'm writing my sketches. I don't have a choice. And it's really the only way to survive. So I think create I'll continue to create what I do. But the directing part, I like to I like to sit down and eat my lunch, you know? I don't.

• 36:09Jason Bateman?

  Like to be a guest at the party, not host.

• 36:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's so stressful. And I love when people love doing it and I love to be a part of that. But I feel like there was a point in my life where I thought like, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that. And then once I started realizing I don't I'm not good at everything and that's OK. I'm sort of like, yeah, there's no there's no shame in that game.

• 36:32Will Arnett?

  My recollection of Maya on Up All Night is this like, we'd be shooting, shooting all day, be like lunch and then her dressing room is next to mine and then like the knock on the door and be like, are we still shooting that scene after lunch? I mean, oh, done with.

• 36:46Will Arnett?

  I'd be feeling the same way. I'd be like, I don't know. We both had little kids that are like, I don't know.

• 36:50Speaker 06

  I was nursing, remember? I was nursing at the like, right, like the baby was in the room. I was pumping and I was sweating all the time.

• 36:58Will Arnett?

  Was that Jack who was just born?

• 36:59Speaker 06

  It was Jack, yeah. He's just turned nine.

• 37:01Sean Hayes?

  I want to ask you a serious question. I don't know if I'm gonna get through it with my co-host, but here we go.

• 37:06Will Arnett?

  Okay, and you hang on, let me get the stopwatch and go.

• 37:11Sean Hayes?

  Your mom so sadly passed away when you were younger. I think you were six, seven, eight years old, something like that.

• 37:17Speaker 06

  In the wheelhouse, yes.

• 37:18Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, in that wheelhouse. And so, and you're such an incredible mom as I've seen firsthand. It always seems like your children comes first, which is the correct thing to do and before anything else. And you're always present and it's what every kid wants. But does any part of you, when you were starting to have kids, like, and it's, did you have one of those real human fears of, oh my God, what if, what happened to me happens to my children and I'm not around? Is that gonna happen?

• 37:44Speaker 06

  Oh, I'm still not sure that I'm doing this correctly. And I get weirded out all the time that I'm 48 and my mom was only 31 when she died. And I'm like, now what? How did I get to be older than my mother? It's so crazy. Like,

• 37:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 06

  I don't, I don't know how the hell we're all adults to begin with, let alone responsible for other people and in relationships and families. It's crazy. But I-

• 38:11Sean Hayes?

  What's your perfect, what's your perfect ratio-

• 38:13Speaker 06

  My perfect mate?

• 38:14Sean Hayes?

  Your perfect ratio of work to parenting? Like, like, like, what are you doing today aside from this? Like, do you, do you?

• 38:22Speaker 06

  That's a great question. I appreciate that question. I'm gonna do a little voiceover work later on this afternoon for-

• 38:28Will Arnett?

  Who are you, who are you working for?

• 38:30Speaker 06

  I'm working for a wonderful production called Bless the Hearts by our friend Emily Spivey.

• 38:34Sean Hayes?

  Oh, bless the hearts. Bless the hearts.

• 38:37Will Arnett?

  Oh, bless the hearts.

• 38:39Speaker 06

  It's up the night with. And-

• 38:41Will Arnett?

  Are they looking for any new characters or?

• 38:46Sean Hayes?

  God, that's good.

• 38:47Speaker 06

  It was really good.

• 38:49Will Arnett?

  Damn.

• 38:50Speaker 06

  It was sexy, but also a little bit scary.

• 38:52Will Arnett?

  Ooh, this guy.

• 38:54Speaker 06

  And a little, a little bit sad, like a little bit like-

• 38:56Will Arnett?

  Well, you know why? Cause, cause he's had a few, even though it's Wednesday. And he said he wouldn't, but he did.

• 39:03Speaker 06

  I thought he was constipated. He sounds a little-

• 39:05Will Arnett?

  No, he had a few.

• 39:06Speaker 06

  He sounds like he needs water.

• 39:08Will Arnett?

  When ain't nobody was looking-

• 39:09Speaker 01

  And he had a few.

• 39:10Jason Bateman?

  Or he's a self asphyxiate there in the Jack Shack.

• 39:12Speaker 06

  Oh, boy. You know what's funny? I did write, in the time that we've been on this, I did write a theme song for the Jack Shack. And it's called, "Jack Shack, shacking it up. Jack Shack, you can shack it. Jack Shack, shacking it up. Jack Shack, shacking it up. Shack."

• 39:31Speaker 01

  Get your jack on.

• 39:38Will Arnett?

  Shacking it up. Shack.

• 39:41Jason Bateman?

  I wish we had an animated portion of this show.

• 39:43Will Arnett?

  It'd be so good.

• 39:46Will Arnett?

  Maya used to do this character. She, we were gonna do a video and I was gonna be this French.

• 39:49Speaker 06

  Pop the cork.

• 39:50Will Arnett?

  Pop the cork. And I was DJ Metro. It's such a French rapper. And it's just Maya and she's in just like, she's in Saint-Tropez and she's in, you know, Italy.

• 39:58Speaker 06

  I like to celebrate.

• 40:00Will Arnett?

  Pop the cork. Pop the cork.

• 40:04Speaker 06

  We would just say like, London. Pop the cork. Dubai. Pop the cork. Israel.

• 40:12Jason Bateman?

  I wanna see you doing all these characters every week again, damn it.

• 40:17Will Arnett?

  I know.

• 40:17Speaker 06

  I should answer your question because you bring something up, which is that I, I do, every once in a while I'll go, God, I should do that show. Or I should, when you were asking about creating and stuff, like, oh, yeah, I should create this shit. And then I'm like, what am I saying? Then I'll never be home. I can't do that. But I'm lucky enough to have a lot of talented friends and I'll do like a little bit here and a little bit there and a little, and that.

• 40:39Jason Bateman?

  And that's plenty for you. That's enough.

• 40:41Speaker 06

  It's plenty. Sometimes I spread myself too thin and then everyone will say, no, now I'm ready to get back in the saddle and do it. But I also like to go home sometimes.

• 40:50Jason Bateman?

  Have you been courageous enough to play with the idea of an empty nest at some point, sometime, deep, deep in the future? I, I say that because, because I have. And it just, as much as I am, I, I love to be out and working. I love my kids. I love that they are here and I think I'm gonna be a mess when they go to college.

• 41:12Speaker 06

  For sure.

• 41:12Jason Bateman?

  You have that times two, right? Because I got two kids, you got four.

• 41:15Speaker 06

  Yeah, and like when, you know that, like when one of the kids isn't home and they're at a friend's house or something, you feel like, there's no one here, the house is so quiet. And it's such a strange. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonna do. But maybe that's a good time to, you know, move back to New York and start all over again.

• 41:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, there you go.

• 41:32Speaker 06

  Go see Puppetry of the Penis with Ali and.

• 41:34Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, just do some sort of a sequel to Puppetry of the Penis. What would that be called?

• 41:39Sean Hayes?

  I want to go back to the question I had about

• 41:42Jason Bateman?

  We'll come back on that.

• 41:43Sean Hayes?

  30 minutes ago.

• 41:45Will Arnett?

  Yeah, Sean, definitely tee up another real question. Go ahead.

• 41:49Jason Bateman?

  What's number two?

• 41:51Sean Hayes?

  I want to know because I want to know these things.

• 41:53Will Arnett?

  I know you do, and you know what, by the way? Good for you.

• 41:56Sean Hayes?

  Thanks, guys.

• 41:57Speaker 06

  I know, it's very responsible. I feel like you brought me in and you were like, I have to ask her real questions or she's gonna...

• 42:02Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, otherwise it's like, they're just bits which I love.

• 42:05Speaker 06

  I don't care, you don't have to ask me anything real. Listen, you can ask me anything you want.

• 42:09Sean Hayes?

  I love it, and so I want to know how you feel about me. No, I want to know. I want to know, like, because way back 30 minutes ago when I was talking about Saturday Night Live, and how you've helped create that institution that it is. Everybody wants to know, what was it like getting the gig that you always dreamed of getting? Like, what was it like the first week? Is it like the first week of school? And were you nervous? And like, how did you navigate around that?

• 42:33Speaker 06

  That was crazy because I came in at the end of the 2025 season, and I had this really lame situation where I listened to like, a bad manager. I was so young, and she said, "Don't audition. The new contracts are really binding." And I went, "Oh, okay." I'm a fucking idiot. And so I didn't audition, and then, long story short, I was lucky enough, they asked me to come and do the last three shows. So, it was more like trial by fire, but it was the end of the season, so everyone knew each other already. It was like, it was like joining a school year with three weeks left. So like, I didn't know anybody, and everybody knew where to sit, in the cafeteria kind of feeling. Like, it just felt really bad and scary.

• 43:14Will Arnett?

  I didn't know that.

• 43:15Jason Bateman?

  You did not audition?

• 43:17Speaker 06

  No.

• 43:18Jason Bateman?

  So, were you a part of the writing staff? And they wanted to put you then on camera?

• 43:21Speaker 06

  No, it was really confusing. It wasn't clear. They brought me and Zach Galifianakis, and I think it was Jerry Minor. I think we were the three people that they brought out for this three-week trial period. But Zach and I didn't know what was going on. Zach said, they brought, he had auditioned, and then he said, like, they brought me out. But they were just auditioning him as a writer and he was really like, I don't know what's happening. We were a little bit confused.

• 43:50Will Arnett?

  Did Zach do the show?

• 43:51Speaker 06

  He wrote for three weeks. He and I shared an office and we were both like scratching our heads like.

• 43:56Sean Hayes?

  I didn't know that either.

• 43:57Speaker 06

  What are we doing?

• 43:58Sean Hayes?

  See assholes, it's good I ask questions like that.

• 44:01Jason Bateman?

  It is good. You know what, Sean? Great question.

• 44:03Speaker 06

  Great question, Sean.

• 44:06Jason Bateman?

  Can you string two together?

• 44:11Sean Hayes?

  Well, that seems like it's very difficult.

• 44:14Jason Bateman?

  I can't believe we've gotten to 30 minutes in and we haven't asked you whether you're excited or dreading the whole Kamala Harris for the next probably 12 years.

• 44:24Speaker 06

  Can I just say, wouldn't that be a nice problem to have?

• 44:27Jason Bateman?

  Oh, God.

• 44:28Speaker 06

  Instead of this fucking shit pile of shit of shit mountain that we're living on.

• 44:33Will Arnett?

  We just, we just had her on the show.

• 44:34Speaker 06

  You did?

• 44:34Will Arnett?

  Literally the day before it was announced that she was on the ticket with Biden.

• 44:38Speaker 06

  She's pretty fantastic.

• 44:39Jason Bateman?

  She's awesome.

• 44:40Sean Hayes?

  She's amazing.

• 44:41Speaker 06

  There's nothing there that isn't cool. It's like, hey, do you want to play a cool superhero? Like, yeah, sure, I'm, I'm good. Like, you know this, you know, you get to be Batman. It's fun. It's fun to like be a cool person. It's, what am I gonna?

• 44:54Sean Hayes?

  It's kinda what I'm known for, Batman. Oh, you're talking about Will?

• 44:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:57Jason Bateman?

  But once the, as Will calls it, the hoax virus goes away, you're gonna have to fly back and forth to, to New York all the time. Are you going to be happy about that? That's, that, that could get burdensome.

• 45:09Speaker 06

  I don't know. I, I really am, I think I'm a little bit in denial of what is happening in the world and what's going to happen. I mean, is there going to be a live show?

• 45:20Will Arnett?

  Doesn't matter. You know what's gonna happen. Maya, let's not play this game. We both know this.

• 45:25Speaker 06

  I like to play hard to get, Will.

• 45:28Jason Bateman?

  You don't have to start wiggling when you say that, Maya.

• 45:31Speaker 06

  I still have my exercise tank on. I haven't exercised yet.

• 45:36Will Arnett?

  I haven't showered. I haven't showered yet.

• 45:42Jason Bateman?

  I need to take a shower. You don't want any of this.

• 45:44Speaker 06

  Uh-oh. You guys want Chinese chicken salads for lunch? Everybody? Everybody? Everybody's Chinese chicken salad? Let's get Chin Chin. I want Chin Chin.

• 45:56Jason Bateman?

  Wait, is Chin Chin still around?

• 45:57Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 45:58Sean Hayes?

  I get it all the time, and it's so fattening, I call it double chins.

• 46:01Speaker 06

  Chin Chin is still the best. Just the Chinese chicken salad. I don't think I've ever had anything else.

• 46:07Sean Hayes?

  It's the best.

• 46:07Will Arnett?

  But you know that the conversation that's happening right now is, "So Maya will come and do this show. She'll come Saturday, and then she'll come the next Saturday, and so Maya will come."

• 46:17Sean Hayes?

  That's Will's attempt at Lorne Michaels' impression, everybody.

• 46:20Jason Bateman?

  Wisconsin.

• 46:20Sean Hayes?

  Wisconsin.

• 46:21Will Arnett?

  He says, "Sean, they don't need to know. Not everybody needs to know everything."

• 46:24Speaker 06

  Lorne Michaels is my forever boss. I just decided the other day, like, he's my forever boss. He'll always be my boss. He'll be my friend, but no matter whether I ever work there again, he'll always be my forever boss.

• 46:35Sean Hayes?

  Mia, Mia Rudolph.

• 46:36Speaker 06

  Yes, sir.

• 46:37Sean Hayes?

  You've been incredible.

• 46:39Speaker 06

  It's Mia Randolph.

• 46:40Jason Bateman?

  Here comes question three. Get ready.

• 46:43Sean Hayes?

  No, this is no more questions. I was gonna wrap it up because I know you have kids to take care of.

• 46:46Speaker 06

  Oh, you mean diapers to change? Daddy!

• 46:53Jason Bateman?

  No, there's no more in diapers, right? You're done with diapers.

• 46:56Speaker 06

  I'm done with diapers.

• 46:57Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 46:58Sean Hayes?

  So, I can't thank you enough for being here, and we love you very, very, very much.

• 47:01Speaker 06

  I love you very much.

• 47:02Jason Bateman?

  That was way too short.

• 47:04Sean Hayes?

  And even though we don't get to speak that often, I think about you all the time.

• 47:09Speaker 06

  Really? Like, all the time?

• 47:10Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 47:11Jason Bateman?

  Hey, hey, guys.

• 47:12Speaker 06

  That was so, that was so convincing. That was so convincing. Yeah.

• 47:19Speaker 06

  Oh, Sean.

• 47:20Sean Hayes?

  I do, I really do. I think about you all the time.

• 47:21Speaker 06

  You're always such a, you're always such a sweet little cookie puss.

• 47:25Sean Hayes?

  Can you sing the Jack Shack, Sean, one more time? Is that, is there a sign on?

• 47:27Speaker 06

  Jack Shack, shingin' it up. Jack Shack is totally crispy. Jack Shack, one hundred percent. One hundred percent Jack Shack and a chuck!

• 47:41Speaker 06

  It's totally crispy.

• 47:45Will Arnett?

  Crispy.

• 47:47Speaker 06

  Think about it, it could be.

• 47:50Will Arnett?

  Box of used socks sold separately.

• 47:52Jason Bateman?

  I was gonna say, there should be a sock sponsor to that. Maya, super, super nice of you to do this.

• 47:59Speaker 06

  That was really fun, you guys. It's nice to see you. It makes... This is one of those days where, when I'm dying and I'm laying there shriveled up, I'm gonna think about today and I'm gonna have a big smile on my face.

• 48:10Jason Bateman?

  Oh, look at that.

• 48:12Will Arnett?

  Love you, Maya. You're the best. You're the best.

• 48:16Speaker 06

  You're the best, man.

• 48:18Will Arnett?

  You're the best.

• 48:19Jason Bateman?

  Thank you, Maya.

• 48:20Speaker 06

  Bye, guys. So nice to see you all.

• 48:23Jason Bateman?

  Bye. See you later.

• 48:25Will Arnett?

  Bye.

• 48:26Speaker 06

  Bye. Tongues included.

• 48:31Sean Hayes?

  She winged that song and it's gonna be in my head for the rest of the day. Jack, shack.

• 48:35Will Arnett?

  We were working on Up All Night, whatever, 10 years ago, and she said, "What did you do this weekend?" I said, "I spent most of the weekend in my jack shack."

• 48:45Will Arnett?

  And she was so enamored. She loved that idea. She thought it was the grossest expression. And she used to bring it up all the time. She's like, "How's your jack shack?"

• 48:54Sean Hayes?

  "Hey, is your jack shack taken this weekend? I need a place there, bro."

• 48:58Will Arnett?

  I got it on Airbnb now.

• 49:00Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, good. Anyway, I love her. We love her. I'm so glad. By the way, she's the kind of guest that we have on that we can just completely be ourselves and fuck around and it's so fun and...

• 49:11Will Arnett?

  She could guest host the show with us at any time.

• 49:14Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 49:14Will Arnett?

  Because she's so funny and so... And we love her and know her. She's got such an ease and comfort. And she's just, everything about her is the fucking best. I love hanging out with Maya.

• 49:23Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 49:24Will Arnett?

  When I hosted Kimmel a couple of years ago and...

• 49:27Sean Hayes?

  Oh, here we go.

• 49:28Jason Bateman?

  Yep.

• 49:29Will Arnett?

  And the ratings spiked. The point is this. I don't even know if sweeps are a thing, but I know it was a big deal to Jimmy and it got him a new contract. And I don't even know how I started on this story, but the point is... I needed a guest and I said, remember Jimmy's son was, was, was in the hospital and stuff? And last night I went there and I, I needed a guest. I was like, who can you count on in a pinch to come in and be funny?

• 49:53Sean Hayes?

  Available.

• 49:53Will Arnett?

  And available. And Maya happened to drive by at that moment. No, and my, I called Maya because yeah, because she's incredibly funny and quick and she saved my ass. She made me look good.

• 50:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, she's always, she's always there. Jason, have you ever worked with her?

• 50:07Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, she was on SNL, uh, the one time I hosted way back when, but I would love to, and I was serious. I have, I have talked about her a lot in anything that I have, uh, half a say in. Um, I've always wanted to, more and more and more. I don't, I don't, I don't like what the kids are doing to, uh, her life. Um, and my ability to see her on camera more often. Um, so I'd love to talk to her about that. Maybe finding another place for those kids to live would be best for me.

• 50:36Sean Hayes?

  Start.

• 50:37Will Arnett?

  You should call Dave Becky and put a light of fire under his ass, you know?

• 50:40Jason Bateman?

  Well, but maybe Dave could babysit the kids and book her on a couple more things.

• 50:45Will Arnett?

  That'd be great.

• 50:45Sean Hayes?

  Dave Becky is her manager.

• 50:46Jason Bateman?

  Uh, thank you.

• 50:47Will Arnett?

  Jesus.

• 50:48Jason Bateman?

  Thanks, Sean. Thanks, Sean. That's my, uh, that's my Wisconsin accent. Hey, thanks.

• 50:53Will Arnett?

  Hey guys, don't worry about it. I got it all sorted out. I just heard Sean said that Dave Becky's her manager. Okay?

• 50:59Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, no, Sean just straightened it out.

• 51:01Will Arnett?

  He straightened it out for us out here. Okay? Don't worry, Dave. I guess he's some kind of Hollywood manager.

• 51:08Sean Hayes?

  Anyway, great guest. I love her. I love you guys. Bye.

• 51:11Will Arnett?

  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Sean.

• 51:14Jason Bateman?

  Bye.

• 51:29Speaker 03

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