Hannah Berner

Hannah Berner (Giggly Squad, None of My Business, Summer House) is a comedian, podcaster, and former Division I tennis player. Hannah joins Armchair Expert to discuss her dad being her personal tennis coach, battling performance anxiety as a college player, and rebuilding her identity after leaving the sport. Hannah and Dax talk about nightmare experiences on the New York subway, how stand-up became the place she could finally be herself, and the pressure of filming her first Netflix special. Hannah explains why embarrassment can be freeing, how comedy helps bridge the divide between men and women, and why changing your dream doesn’t mean you failed. Check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds: https://www.allstate.com/ See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:05Dax Shepard?

  Today, we have Hannah Berner on. Hannah is a stand-up comedian and a bestselling author. She has a book called How to Giggle.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 0:15Dax Shepard?

  Based on her wonderful podcast, Giggle Squad with Hannah Berner and Paige De Sorbo. She has a new stand-up special now streaming on Hulu called None of My Business. And Babers is doing a TV show with her. She's got a lot happening.

• 0:31Speaker 01

  It's exciting stuff.

• 0:33Dax Shepard?

  And I just adore her. She was so fun.

• 0:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was.

• 0:37Dax Shepard?

  Also, ex-professional tennis player, which is.

• 0:40Speaker 01

  We get into that and it's really, really.

• 0:41Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if professional is the right word, but college division one.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  Elite.

• 0:44Dax Shepard?

  Serious business. Please enjoy Hannah Berner. We get support from Quince.

• 0:51Speaker 01

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• 1:00Dax Shepard?

  I'm fully there. The second it dips below 70, I'm like, this is my season. Give me the layers, give me the boots, give me a reason to wear something other than a t-shirt. And honestly, that's why I love Quince, because fall is when your wardrobe actually has to show up. And everything at Quince is 50 to 80% less than similar brands. We're talking 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, starting at $60.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  $60. $60 for cashmere that you'd expect from a luxury brand without the luxury price tag. It's amazing. Gets me every time. It really shouldn't be real, but it is because they go straight to the factories, they skip the middlemen, and they just hand you the savings. The stuff isn't trendy. It's the kind of pieces you grab over and over because they work every time.

• 1:40Dax Shepard?

  The 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters for me are it. When I look at Steve McQueen, this man owned a couple of sweaters he wore all the time and he looks iconic.

• 1:49Speaker 01

  It's a uniform.

• 1:50Dax Shepard?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  And Quince isn't just about the clothes. They have hotel-quality bedding, cookware, bath essentials, thoughtfully-designed furniture. You can really go there and outfit your entire apartment or house. So if you're in need of any kind of fall refresh at home, too, same quality, same attention to detail for every corner of your life.

• 2:08Dax Shepard?

  Find your next fall. Favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from AG1. Fall is that time when your body and mind are getting ready for the winter. You're settling in, bracing for the cold. Your body's already running a deficit from the shorter days and broken sleep patterns. You don't want a nutrient deficit stacked on top of that too.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  That's where your AG1 routine earns its spot. It's not fixing your sleep or your alarm time. It's giving your body what it needs. So the dark mornings don't tank you before you even start. One scoop cold water every morning before anything else.

• 2:57Dax Shepard?

  AG1 Next Gen has 75 plus ingredients, vitamins, minerals, pre and probiotics, superfoods, backed by four separate gold standard clinical trials. Key nutrient levels improved with three months of consistent use.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  That's the part people miss. It's not a one day fix. It's what happens when you stay consistent.

• 3:15Dax Shepard?

  It's an easy everyday thing. I've added it to my morning routine and I'm going to tell you, I actually love the taste of it. It's like Pavlovian. I drink it and I know I'm going to get that little vitamin buzz.

• 3:25Speaker 01

  Well, that's also the thing. When you do it first thing in the morning, you already feel kind of self-esteem because you're like, I already did something good for myself.

• 3:32Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Go to drinkag1.com/dax and for a limited time, get a free immunity bundle, including a bottle of omega-3 fish oil and a bottle of vitamin D3K2 with your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com/dax. And after checkout, be sure to let them know that Armchair Expert sent you.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  Found him.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 4:16Dax Shepard?

  Hi. Well, that's bad. Seven minutes. I'm so sorry. But maybe you'll understand because I've just recently learned you also have some ADHD cognitive management issues.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  I'm sure we'll get into it.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  Actually, I just gotta catch up on a lot of important emails.

• 4:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, good.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  No, there's very not.

• 4:34Speaker 01

  It's very glass half full. I appreciate that.

• 4:37Speaker 02

  Actually, I thought it was a little intimidation. I was like, they're icing me. They know it came in. No, but actually, I have to admit to you guys.

• 4:43Dax Shepard?

  Admit something.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  I'm a little nervous.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  Oh, so flattering.

• 4:45Speaker 02

  I was all calm and ready, and then I got to think, and I was like, you don't have any stories. Who are you?

• 4:50Dax Shepard?

  You have no personality, no history.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  I've been nervous in a while, though, like, since, like, 2006, when, like, I had to give a handjob for the first time. Like, I haven't.

• 4:57Speaker 01

  Whoa, that's a long time. Twenty years.

• 5:00Speaker 02

  No, I've been nervous before, but this is so exciting. I'm so honored to be here.

• 5:04Speaker 01

  Whoa, we're so flattering.

• 5:05Dax Shepard?

  That's incredibly flattering.

• 5:07Speaker 02

  You guys make podcasting cool.

• 5:08Dax Shepard?

  As do you.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:10Dax Shepard?

  We both, I think, share an award. You guys win the iHeart Podcast of the Year this year?

• 5:15Speaker 02

  We did. I think it was a little bit of a made up award.

• 5:18Speaker 01

  Well, yeah.

• 5:18Dax Shepard?

  Tell me why.

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Awards are made up.

• 5:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:21Speaker 02

  I can't accept it. I'm like, that was a great brand promo.

• 5:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, hold that. Are you on iHeart?

• 5:27Speaker 02

  No.

• 5:28Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so I'm trying to find who would have bought this.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 5:31Speaker 02

  But they were, like, announcing The Daily, Amy Poehler, and I'm looking at Paige, and I'm like, we're not fucking winning this. And she's like, they wouldn't have invited us to come all the way here. We literally were fighting during the award presentation. But yeah, the award is nice.

• 5:45Dax Shepard?

  I think it's a very legitimate award. We won it, too.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  This is a stupid art form. I was like an athlete. Like, you knew who the winner was. This is, this is just people having fun. Also, I'm not gonna, like, see The Daily people and be like, hey, losers.

• 5:58Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 5:59Speaker 02

  Maybe better next year. Be more fact-checky.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  Poor Daily.

• 6:03Dax Shepard?

  That was my, my hot take for the Golden Globes. I was like, it's so flattering. And also, if Malcolm Gladwell's not nominated, I don't know what this category means.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, Amy Poehler's shot on NPR. That was great.

• 6:15Dax Shepard?

  What did she say?

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Well, she was like, NPR, try harder next time, you losers.

• 6:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  No, no, congrats to us.

• 6:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, absolutely. The year that we won, we had beaten Dr. Death, which was among my top three podcasts I've ever heard in my life. Did you listen to Dr. Death?

• 6:31Speaker 02

  No, because I'm a bad listener.

• 6:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 6:35Dax Shepard?

  I'm a bad listener.

• 6:37Speaker 01

  Because of the ADHD?

• 6:39Speaker 02

  Probably. I also, after I stopped my nine to five job, I don't have that morning routine where you like, listen to a podcast. So it's a lot of me.

• 6:47Dax Shepard?

  Do you not exercise?

• 6:49Speaker 02

  You don't have to attack me right when I.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  We dump really.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  That's fact shaming me the second I get here.

• 6:55Dax Shepard?

  I understand you don't have a commute, so you wouldn't listen to it there. I'm just going through the top categories of listeners. It's like they're on a commute, so you listen.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  I call my mom a lot.

• 7:04Dax Shepard?

  You do?

• 7:05Speaker 01

  That's sweet.

• 7:05Dax Shepard?

  Like, how frequently?

• 7:06Speaker 02

  Too much. She's like, hey, the nest is, you gotta get out.

• 7:10Dax Shepard?

  This is Lenore, the jazz singing principal.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  I'm obsessed with people do research. You guys are real journalists. I don't care what people say. We shout out to Lenore.

• 7:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. You don't call Dan?

• 7:22Speaker 02

  You know, my dad, my best friend, my tennis coach.

• 7:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he was.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  We're like connected. We're like, I don't even have to talk to him. He'll like randomly send me a text like, if you're having a tough day, I love you. I'm like, god damn it, dad. Where my mom, I'm like, should I get this salad or the chicken fingers? And she's like, leave me alone. I'm like, does birth control work?

• 7:42Speaker 01

  So you're multiple times a day with her?

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:45Speaker 01

  That's really sweet.

• 7:46Dax Shepard?

  And for how long at an interval?

• 7:48Speaker 02

  Great question. She's a badass. She was a principal of a public middle school in Brooklyn, New York.

• 7:53Dax Shepard?

  P.S.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  P.S. 51.

• 7:56Dax Shepard?

  51.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  As they say.

• 7:57Dax Shepard?

  It's a hardcore.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  51. It's hardcore.

• 7:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:59Speaker 02

  And she's just right about everything. So in life, if you have someone in your family who's smarter, more experienced, why am I trying to figure it out?

• 8:09Dax Shepard?

  That's very wise of you, actually.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Mm hmm. I know what I don't know.

• 8:13Dax Shepard?

  I just learned that we're opposites.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  But since getting married, the first guy I've ever dated was really smart.

• 8:20Speaker 01

  Congrats. It's a big deal.

• 8:22Speaker 02

  I've been through the CTE. I've done it now.

• 8:23Dax Shepard?

  And really quick, is it Dez or Des?

• 8:26Speaker 02

  It's Desmond.

• 8:27Dax Shepard?

  Right. I know that part, but the D.

• 8:29Speaker 02

  And Dez is like a short. In Ireland, they say Dez.

• 8:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. So Dez.

• 8:34Speaker 02

  But Desmond does sound like a linebacker for the Packers.

• 8:37Dax Shepard?

  He does. He's all fucked up. He was born here, then grew up in Ireland.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  At 14, he was drinking, being naughty. His parents kick him out. And he jokes to the World Series of Drinking Ireland.

• 8:49Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  There continues partying.

• 8:52Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Sober by nineteen. I don't know. It's interesting to me when people are sober.

• 8:57Dax Shepard?

  Has he been sober since nineteen?

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  He's fifty now.

• 9:00Dax Shepard?

  I know. I'm eleven months older than him. He's November?

• 9:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  My Scorpio.

• 9:04Speaker 01

  And he's also sober.

• 9:06Dax Shepard?

  For one second.

• 9:06Speaker 02

  We love that.

• 9:07Dax Shepard?

  You had a little panic attack. Is it December?

• 9:09Speaker 02

  I know. I was like, my whole marriage is riding on this.

• 9:12Speaker 01

  He's been sober thirty-one years.

• 9:14Dax Shepard?

  That's wild.

• 9:14Speaker 01

  I dated a lot of addicts.

• 9:16Speaker 02

  I love how we're getting right into it. That's what we do. That's how we are, you guys.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  That's just how we are.

• 9:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. We don't know how else to be.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  We really don't know how else to be.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  When an addict falls for you, there's no other attention like that. When they fucking lock eyes with you and you're their like new source of.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  You're their addiction. Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  It's incredible, but but I've realized you want to be with a guy who's been sober for like an extended period of time.

• 9:41Dax Shepard?

  Probably, yeah. Wait, wait. You learned because you had someone like a year and then it went sideways?

• 9:45Speaker 02

  I've done the sober.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Cali sober?

• 9:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or then he like calls me and he's like, I have to tell you something. There's a reason you haven't seen me in two weeks.

• 9:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:53Speaker 02

  And I never smoked a cigarette.

• 9:55Dax Shepard?

  Right, because you're an athlete.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  Because I was an athlete. I think in my past life, I was an addict. So I'm like, why play with that?

• 10:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 10:03Speaker 02

  Like, what am I going to do? Try cocaine in my thirties and then be like, I like cocaine and I'm addicted to cocaine in my thirties?

• 10:09Dax Shepard?

  No, well, there's just a little bit of ground between trying and an addict. Malcolm Gladwell book. Over ninety percent of people who try cocaine don't become addicted to it.

• 10:17Speaker 01

  But you're saying you might. You sense that you might. It's like in you?

• 10:20Speaker 02

  I'm addicted to comedy. I'm addicted to things. So I'm like, why test it? Because the best part of it becomes that you like it.

• 10:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You remind me so much of my best friend, Penae, because he was like hardcore athlete, baseball, Division One, the whole thing. Never drank once in his life, never had a cigarette. And then that whole part of his life was over. But he's like, why would I do that now? I've already proven I'm maniacal about things when I like them. So I'm impressed. I'm just like, I'm here once, let's try everything.

• 10:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I always say the worst thing is you have a horrible night and then the best thing is like now you could have a problem.

• 10:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's true.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  But actually, my bachelorette party in twenty twenty-two, my friends were like. Do one, one hit of cocaine.

• 11:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, one bump. A little bump, one hit.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  Such a loser.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  What is it, one spoonful? One teaspoon?

• 11:10Dax Shepard?

  One glass, one glass of cocaine.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  And I was like, okay, I swear to God, I was the end of the bachelorette, we're like in our pajamas, just like, you know, hotel, I was like, let's do it.

• 11:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  Immediately got a nosebleed.

• 11:21Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 11:21Speaker 02

  Like, the blood just slowly came out, and my friends were like, not fun, you ruined it.

• 11:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, scary.

• 11:26Speaker 02

  And I was like, sir, I'm so pure, I can't do this.

• 11:29Speaker 01

  But do you drink?

• 11:30Speaker 02

  I love eating. If you're at a meal, I'm like, so if I drink that drink, the chicken parmigiana's not gonna hit as well.

• 11:36Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  And I get like tired, I get sleepy when I'm drunk.

• 11:40Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  I lose all my wit. I'll start a conversation and just start laughing at myself. I don't get cooler when I'm drunk.

• 11:46Dax Shepard?

  That's why I didn't like weed is, the one thing I have to offer is I'm like orally dexterous. And I'd get high and be like, I'm not sure I'm making a point right now, I'm pretty sure no one's following me, my superpower is gone, and now I just have a big nose in a week, Jen.

• 12:02Speaker 02

  I would look in the mirror and be like, is my face round or oval? Like, that was my joke. And then I'd, I'd think everyone's mad at me, so I ruin parties when I do the alcohol and that kind of stuff.

• 12:12Dax Shepard?

  Drugs and the alcohol. I gotta go back to the cocaine, the one bump. Where was the bachelor party?

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Obviously Miami.

• 12:18Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 12:19Speaker 02

  Jaw rule came out, it was the greatest, greatest weekend. And I'm not a partier. I told my friends, I was like, maybe go to a farm and we pet animals. My friends were like, no.

• 12:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  We're going to a strip club.

• 12:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm not taking the weekend off work and all this shit to go fucking pet horses.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  And I'm like, was one of my early friends to get married, so they weren't tired yet. Like, I was like the first friend to have a bachelorette party, so the girls were like, this is like the hangover.

• 12:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, they wanted to fuck fast.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  Where now when people say they have a bachelorette, you're like, I missed the email, like, I'm so sorry.

• 12:48Speaker 01

  I know.

• 12:49Speaker 02

  I start making up gigs I don't have.

• 12:51Dax Shepard?

  You were in Miami, and was it fun restaurants, or were there nightclubs?

• 12:55Speaker 02

  It was fun restaurants. Actually, shout out to a friend of the pod, not to name drop.

• 13:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 13:00Speaker 01

  Let's do it.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  Marcelo was there.

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 13:03Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God, you guys were doing.

• 13:04Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, you go to a Getty?

• 13:06Dax Shepard?

  A Getty.

• 13:06Speaker 02

  I don't want to take credit for anything Marcelo's done because he's a star and he's always been a star. However.

• 13:11Dax Shepard?

  This was pre SNL for him, right?

• 13:13Speaker 02

  Pre SNL. We're hanging out at the stand.

• 13:15Dax Shepard?

  He might have got you unengaged.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  I know.

• 13:18Dax Shepard?

  He's a killer.

• 13:19Speaker 01

  He is.

• 13:20Speaker 02

  I know Marcelo as just the sweetest, driven, creative. He's a guy's girl. He's just hanging out with the girls, like gossiping, having fun. But I was telling him about the bachelorette and he's like, you're coming to Miami?

• 13:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  And he slides me like a list of all the things and he goes, I might be around, just let me know. So when I'm there, I'm just trying to have fun and I text him like, I'm in Miami.

• 13:40Dax Shepard?

  How had you met him?

• 13:41Speaker 02

  We'd be in the clubs.

• 13:42Dax Shepard?

  Doing stand up?

• 13:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't know him well enough to have him at my bachelorette, but immediately you're like.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  He's like, get in here.

• 13:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I wanted him to walk out of this interview into my house and just live there.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  I text my friends. I just want my friends to have fun. I get stressed if other people aren't having fun. Like at one point, no one was talking to me. Everyone was just talking to everyone else. I was like, good. I'll just, I'll go fuck myself because at least my friends had to pay to be here.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  This is your codependency back to loving addicts.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Marcelo because like he's just a bottle of fun and I'm like, where are we going? What are we doing? We're at a club. He gets my face up on it.

• 14:12Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wait, he got your face up on like a screen at the club?

• 14:15Speaker 02

  Some guy.

• 14:15Dax Shepard?

  Wow, he really, he's like a fixer, a Miami fixer.

• 14:19Speaker 02

  But then I realized he was my Domingo. Like, because my husband was like, who's the guy at your bachelorette? I'm like, that's Marcelo. He's just organizing.

• 14:28Dax Shepard?

  Who's that impossibly charming, disarming, non-threatening, yet you're horny guy you're with?

• 14:33Speaker 02

  So not threatening. So it was like us and Marcelo running around Miami. And yeah, that was pre SNL and it was such a fun time. And now my friends will be like, is that the guy that was in the pool with us?

• 14:44Dax Shepard?

  Did anyone hook up with him?

• 14:45Speaker 02

  Oh, well, I.

• 14:46Dax Shepard?

  Not you.

• 14:47Speaker 01

  I did.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  I was telling people that I was like, this guy's gonna blow up. You gotta get him.

• 14:52Dax Shepard?

  Get in on the basement floor.

• 14:53Speaker 02

  Get him in the stock as well.

• 14:54Speaker 01

  Now he's dating a gorgeous Yale.

• 14:57Dax Shepard?

  Lawyer?

• 14:58Speaker 01

  Like architect. So sorry, gals. I messed up.

• 15:02Dax Shepard?

  That's okay. Life is long.

• 15:03Speaker 02

  I told myself I wouldn't be with a comedian, but I'm married to a comedian.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Oh, boy. Okay.

• 15:10Dax Shepard?

  Des, Desmond.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:12Dax Shepard?

  How did he return to the States? Was it his parents were like, okay, you can come home?

• 15:16Speaker 02

  Good question. I feel like someone needs to call the government, figure that out. No, but he stayed there and actually fell in love with comedy there. I was kind of like, this is my new home. He got on a TV show where he did like a documentary series. And it was back then where like, if you were on a TV show, everyone watched it on one channel.

• 15:34Dax Shepard?

  Sure. Yeah, there was like BBC one, two, and three. Take your pick.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  1.5.

• 15:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  And he goes out and everyone suddenly knew who he was. So he became a really successful comedian in Ireland and lived this great fun life without me because he's selfish. And then he, during COVID, came back.

• 15:52Dax Shepard?

  Does he long for it? Does he want you guys to spend time there?

• 15:56Speaker 02

  Oh, we love Ireland. He's going there for a bit. It's actually, when you live in New York, it's the same distance to Ireland to LA.

• 16:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, right.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  But it was weird where he'd lived this beautiful, full life of comedy and success. And he's pre-trained, is what I like to say.

• 16:11Dax Shepard?

  Pre-trained?

• 16:12Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 16:13Dax Shepard?

  What's that mean?

• 16:13Speaker 01

  He's pre-trained. She doesn't have to do anything.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. He's not standing on the table. He's not like peeing on a couch.

• 16:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  He doesn't have to do anything.

• 16:22Speaker 02

  He knows how to stay, stay, roll over. Yeah, like, he's been yelled at by previous owners. I don't have to do.

• 16:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the heavy lifting.

• 16:28Speaker 02

  The heavy lifting. And I've never dated an older man before. It wasn't like my kink.

• 16:32Speaker 01

  How did this happen?

• 16:34Speaker 02

  Wait, this is actually kind of romantic.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Yes, I love, we love romance. We love me-cute.

• 16:38Dax Shepard?

  And also Monica's probably.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  I like older men.

• 16:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, she would, she would also end up in this situation.

• 16:44Speaker 01

  Although, it's starting to change, but we can talk about that later.

• 16:46Dax Shepard?

  Her fucking age limit on Aria was like 65 years old because Sean Penn was 65.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Well, for a minute, for a minute.

• 16:52Speaker 02

  Everyone loves Sean Penn. Because he's the kind of guy that like, wouldn't remember your name. Like, I could just tell. And I'm like, I fucking need your attention right now.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  It's that addiction. It's that exact same thing. If he can remember my name, oh my gosh.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Sean Penn noticed you in a room and was like, I need to talk to her.

• 17:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Done.

• 17:06Dax Shepard?

  Also, if he saw that nose bleeding, he'd be like, who cares? Let's go.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Oh, he would love that.

• 17:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Oh, that's what he's into.

• 17:11Dax Shepard?

  I'll eat the blood right off your face.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  So romantically, I always loved comedy. I was just a comedy fan. I was doing cold calling sales and we'd go to all these New York City comedy clubs and this handsome guy comes up on the cellar and I'm standing there, I'm like 25 and he's cute and he says how he lives in Ireland.

• 17:30Dax Shepard?

  Does he have a fun accent, like a hybrid?

• 17:32Speaker 02

  So he has this insane hybrid accent. He talks like a trucker, like this.

• 17:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  But he'll say like British words like quite.

• 17:39Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 17:39Speaker 02

  Or like.

• 17:40Dax Shepard?

  Proper?

• 17:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, like he'll say big eloquent words, but talking like he's a firefighter.

• 17:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  It's a fun little mix.

• 17:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  And he speaks Mandarin.

• 17:49Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Well, I love him. Like my husband is so much more interesting than me when we talk about him. But he's traveled.

• 17:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but I've traveled. I don't speak Mandarin.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  He got bored with stand up in Ireland. Well, he wasn't bored, but he wanted to challenge himself. So he wanted to learn Mandarin and do stand up in Mandarin. This is what sober guys do. They're looking for a high.

• 18:07Speaker 01

  Why? Yeah, it's true. To conquer something.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  He's like, I need something more.

• 18:11Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  That makes sense.

• 18:13Dax Shepard?

  That's just of all the zany solutions to the itch.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Look, his mom took some Tylenol. I don't know what happened. But so he says, like, I live in Ireland. I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, guess I'm not marrying that comic. And it's funny how comics, they're just so hot on stage, especially the men. They just say something. I mean, girls, you're like, okay, stop it. But the guy. We get it.

• 18:32Speaker 01

  Please stop chatting.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  But when guys talk, you're like, look at him commanding that room.

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  Two, so hot. I think I followed him, but I didn't talk. I'm also not like gonna find him. I don't know. I'm not doing that. Fast forward, shout out to friend of the pod Nikki Glazer.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Oh, you just love Nikki.

• 18:49Speaker 02

  Who, for some reason, since day one, has been so nice to me. Early on was like, do you want to follow me around at the club? And you could ask me dumb questions. Any question she would answer. Nikki, early on, she kind of saw something in me and then she knows how lonely it could kind of be when you're the girl.

• 19:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 19:05Speaker 02

  I do think in a lot of female comedy, it's like if you can ugly yourself or be as much of a man as possible, you fit in more. So girls will gravitate to that. And I think because I always kind of had my own voice in the beginning and I didn't care. I love men. They're all good. I didn't. Need them to pick me like I'm like an athlete. I'm like, I could talk about sports with you. Like, I don't need you to-

• 19:27Dax Shepard?

  I can beat you all to tennis. My calves are bigger than yours.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  A hundred. God, he's good.

• 19:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Fallon.

• 19:31Speaker 01

  Oh, you think that was research?

• 19:33Dax Shepard?

  No, it was.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  That her calves are bigger?

• 19:35Dax Shepard?

  She had a calf off with Jimmy Fallon.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 19:38Dax Shepard?

  Look at that motherfucker. I would-

• 19:40Speaker 01

  They are-

• 19:40Speaker 02

  Are you jealous?

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Do you want to enter the frame?

• 19:44Speaker 02

  We'll compliment my calves in not a sexual way. They'll just be like, so what do you do? Do you do raises? Like, what is the?

• 19:51Dax Shepard?

  You get what I get on a plane, like, what's your diet?

• 19:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, like, there's no sexual connection about it. But Nikki, she's so beautiful and then she can say so many things. And I think, also, I'm a brunette, so we're not competing with each other.

• 20:04Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Like, we could be back to back in a lineup. They're like, that's a brunette, a blonde.

• 20:07Dax Shepard?

  You wouldn't be confused.

• 20:08Speaker 02

  We're not the same. I was fascinated by her and I just followed her around one night. She did like seven spots and I'm like, are you planning your bits? Why are you doing certain bits here?

• 20:16Dax Shepard?

  She did seven in one night?

• 20:17Speaker 02

  She's a monster. She even talked about how she does her roast and stuff and it makes me be like, okay, that's what you do. If you want that, you have to do that.

• 20:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, again, you're fucking a hardwired for this. This is tennis.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  It sounds kind of crazy, but tennis and standup are very similar.

• 20:33Dax Shepard?

  Tell me the parallels.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  Well, tennis is, have you ever played tennis?

• 20:36Dax Shepard?

  Yes. In ninth grade, I was on the team. I was terrible. I only played doubles with my friend Rich Dever because we just wanted to make jokes.

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Do you play tennis at all?

• 20:43Speaker 01

  I do not.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  This is me turning into my, like, coach. They say the court is seven inches from ear to ear. It's fully a mental game. Especially at a certain level when everyone's strokes are pretty much the same.

• 20:55Dax Shepard?

  The muscle memory's there.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  We all conserve the same. The second you're on the court, it's your demons and they're just out there. You can't call a timeout. You can't pass the ball.

• 21:05Speaker 01

  You're isolated.

• 21:06Speaker 02

  Vulnerable sport. And when you lose, you can't be like, well, the fucking forward didn't do their job. You're like, I thought-

• 21:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there's no, nowhere to kick the blame.

• 21:15Speaker 02

  You can't. That's also why tennis, I had a very successful career, but I- I had a lot of mental battles. I'm chatty in my head. I have my ADHD. And there's some Russian robots on tour. These girls look right through you. I felt so different from them and I would get performance anxiety. I thought I was crazy and I was battling myself every day.

• 21:37Dax Shepard?

  Were beta blockers a thing that tennis players took back then?

• 21:41Speaker 02

  So beta blockers are, I feel like, a little hard with the physical stuff.

• 21:45Dax Shepard?

  Because you need your heart rate up.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  Because you need your heart rate.

• 21:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  You're shaking. You're literally shaking. I actually had a service yip moment in college.

• 21:54Dax Shepard?

  Okay, and for people who don't know what the yips, just say what the yips are.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  It's, I hate saying the word, but I have to raise awareness.

• 22:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:01Speaker 02

  Yips are like in baseball when a professional player on second base can't throw it to first. Or like Tiger Woods can't chip. It's where your brain decides like you can't do something even though you can.

• 22:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:13Dax Shepard?

  Or Simone not being able to do that rotation thing.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Exactly. And I think now it's a little symptom of some OCD where you basically think like, what's the worst thing that could happen to me? And then you make it happen. And I'm a vulnerable 19-year-old, a lot of pressure, playing number one for University of Wisconsin.

• 22:30Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 22:30Speaker 02

  And I remember I'm training too much in the summer and I'm making changes. And then someone mentioned to me like, oh yeah, once there was a girl who couldn't hit a second serve after she changed her grip or something. I walked off the court and I knew it was me. It's so dark to say, but it was all in me already. It just was a way for my anxiety to like, show its course.

• 22:50Dax Shepard?

  It's like an off-ramp for the anxiety.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  It was so bad, I was doing underhand serves.

• 22:55Speaker 01

  Okay, now for not a tennis person, that's horrifying.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Full scholarship.

• 22:59Dax Shepard?

  Division one.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  You lose your scholarship if you don't do well enough.

• 23:02Dax Shepard?

  If you start serving underhand.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, literally.

• 23:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Do they have a staff psychologist at these division one schools?

• 23:08Speaker 02

  It's so funny not to be like, back in my day. But in 2011, there was one psychologist, but she was kind of like, what's up? When she did the whole team and it wasn't serious.

• 23:19Dax Shepard?

  Anyone cutting?

• 23:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:21Dax Shepard?

  No, okay. Anyone doing little bumps of cocaine?

• 23:25Speaker 02

  I could have fucking used it probably. And then you become obsessed with it. You wake up in the morning, you're watching videos of serves. That's your whole obsession. And then it's like a shame, which is the worst emotion.

• 23:36Speaker 01

  And your dad is your coach during all this?

• 23:37Speaker 02

  So I went to Wisconsin, he was like, go off, do your thing.

• 23:41Speaker 01

  I can see being like, this is what I need. I'm a professional.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  I basically was like, I'm a mental case. When meanwhile, I'm just like a girl trying her best, just trying to do well. But I was like, I'm a mental case. And then I was doing well. I didn't get hit by a car.

• 23:55Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  But again, that was literally like a sign from the universe. Cause I was like, if you keep working hard, you will be great. I was doing that since I was eight. And I was like, I work harder than everyone. I have the talent. If I could get past these mental problems, but you're like digging yourself. No, I honestly like people like comics are dark. And I'm like, I'm happy. I'm like, no, that was pretty fucking dark. Like most people in college were like discovering anal. Like I was like in a room all along, being like, get your second serve together or no one's gonna love you.

• 24:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 24:28Dax Shepard?

  Oh, so to be clear, it was just the second. So if you didn't get it in on the first serve, then that second one you're incapable of doing, you had to do it underhand.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:36Dax Shepard?

  That's a little better. At least you had one serve that you could have got lucky with.

• 24:39Speaker 02

  That's why I was still winning matches and stuff.

• 24:41Dax Shepard?

  You need that second serve.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  You could have reframed it. It's like, this is my thing.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  My superpower is that for whatever reason, I'm okay with being embarrassed.

• 24:50Speaker 01

  Oh, he's like that too. I hate it.

• 24:53Dax Shepard?

  We should go to the mall together or something.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  It's because my dad is super silly. Like everyone used to be like embarrassed, like my dad. My dad would do something stupid. I'd be like, he's so funny. Like that was iconic. So I've been embarrassed in so many situations where like I feel nothing.

• 25:08Dax Shepard?

  Can I share this with you?

• 25:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:09Dax Shepard?

  This is one of the biggest bonding moments I've had with my daughter, my older daughter. She thinks it's really embarrassing when people run with a backpack on. Again, who knows why?

• 25:17Speaker 02

  It is.

• 25:18Dax Shepard?

  That's like one of her things, right?

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Well, if you're late to class.

• 25:20Dax Shepard?

  And then like somehow she was crossing the street and like she misjudged the light, blah, blah, blah. Then she had to run. And then she saw like a big group of girls from her school and she was like, I was so embarrassed. And I go, Do you like it at all? And she goes, yeah, I love it. And I go, give me two. The reason I love it is it's so weird. I guess it's the addict in me. It's like anything outside of my normal state, I kind of enjoy. So just like when you're deeply embarrassed, the sensations in your body and the panic, I get aware of it. It's almost like when you're on hallucinogenics and you're like, well, that's scary. Oh, but don't worry, it's just hallucinogenics. So it's like, I feel insane like I'm gonna die, but I know it just is, I don't know, I like it.

• 25:59Speaker 02

  But I feel like for my mental health, if you can choose to laugh or choose to be ashamed of yourself.

• 26:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:05Speaker 02

  And once I realized that you could choose that, my life kind of changed. And then I also realized, honestly, you're more interesting when you've done stupid shit. Like when you've overcome stuff. That is why I think I like addicts, because I'm like, you've done some stupid shit.

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  And you've come out okay.

• 26:21Dax Shepard?

  Shameful thing.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  And you've had to sit there and face it and then be like, I'm still gonna try to be my best the next day.

• 26:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I lived.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Can we go back to you getting hit by a car?

• 26:31Speaker 02

  Look, I'm from New York City. I'm not even like woo woo LA, no offense.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  Neither of us are from here, so.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  I was like, oh shit.

• 26:37Dax Shepard?

  We're participating in all of it, but it's not our identity, so it's great.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  Do I enjoy a pet psychic for fun? Yes.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  Yes, obviously. I like heroin too.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  So towards the end of my senior year, this is like when it's the big tournament where you get the accolades, you get the awards, like it's the big 10 championship. And it's 7 a.m. and I'm walking to practice. It's like two degrees out. I have a big parka on and I get hit by a car who didn't see me.

• 27:01Dax Shepard?

  Was it a white parka? Were you like snow camouflage?

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Parkas were like, you can't see shit.

• 27:05Dax Shepard?

  You didn't know either.

• 27:06Speaker 02

  Also, I think deep down I was like, fucking hit me, please.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  Yes, that's what I'm getting at. It kind of seems like maybe.

• 27:13Dax Shepard?

  Also, if I was any out wardrobe, I could be in to get hit by a car, be a parka.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Also, not to do a callback to your daughter, but I had a backpack.

• 27:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 27:20Speaker 02

  And when I was chucked and landed on my back, saved my fucking life. So shout out to nerds.

• 27:26Dax Shepard?

  Is that the brand of backpack?

• 27:28Speaker 01

  No nerds.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Just being a nerd.

• 27:32Dax Shepard?

  Okay, we wear backpacks.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Shout out to reading, shout out to books, let's bring them back.

• 27:35Dax Shepard?

  Shout out to Willy Wonka.

• 27:36Speaker 01

  Wait, hold on. So you had a backpack, you're wearing a parka, you definitely did this on purpose.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  I got knocked.

• 27:41Speaker 01

  Subconsciously.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  My first words were tell my coach I'm gonna be late. I was in such a cult and they were like, you're going to hospital, babe. I had like a really bad muscle contusion because my calves are fucking very strong. The car was like, oh, we didn't know. But I was out for three months. Movement is a big part of my game, like speed. So I got back, obviously not a hundred percent. And I, this is tennis terms, but I lost five matches in third set tie breaks. That like, if I had been fully healthy, I would have won all of them. And it gets to the point where I want to raise awareness for it's okay to quit.

• 28:16Speaker 01

  I love that. Yes.

• 28:17Speaker 02

  It's okay to change your dream. And I was one of those weird seven year olds that looked my dad in the eye and was like, I want to win the US Open.

• 28:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  And he was like, if that's what you want, I'll make it my whole life.

• 28:26Dax Shepard?

  We're gonna do that then.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  We're gonna do it. And it was everything to me.

• 28:30Dax Shepard?

  I want to hang with Diana.

• 28:31Speaker 01

  But it's stressful when all these people are involved in your dream. And then you're like, I guess I'm not doing that anymore.

• 28:36Dax Shepard?

  Remember that 20 years you just put in?

• 28:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we're pivoting.

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Moving on to comedy.

• 28:41Speaker 02

  I've done so much work to be like, do you still have any value now?

• 28:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 28:45Speaker 02

  And like, when you quit, it was this moment where I was like, so that was all a waste. And then you don't quit and like become something great. You go from being captain of the tennis team to being in New York City.

• 28:55Dax Shepard?

  Seven years old. Well, everyone else is developing all these other things.

• 28:57Speaker 01

  Everyone else was like, well, I was gonna be in marketing and that's why I have all these internships. And you're just like, sometimes my surf sucks.

• 29:03Dax Shepard?

  And Hannah, I don't want to freak you out, but we just had a guy who had a schizophrenic episode and tried to kill his father. And that stressful situation became because he was a career runner in college and quit. That was the stressful event that triggered the schizophrenia.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  Hundred percent believe it. But my dad and I, we come from old school Brooklyn. His dad was a basketball coach in Brooklyn. So Jerry Berner, imagine, he was like those coaches they make movies about. Like he'd see a tall kid walking down the street and be like, are you in school?

• 29:32Dax Shepard?

  Are you a power forward?

• 29:34Speaker 02

  How's your hands, you know, reflexes? And then he'd be like, we're gonna get you to college. You need to show up to class and I'm gonna get you to college and we're gonna win a championship. Like Jerry Berner was iconic. So my dad was just always coach mentality.

• 29:47Dax Shepard?

  Guys, quickly what he did for, I know he went to business school, but he's a salesman.

• 29:50Speaker 02

  So he's just like a charming sales guy who wishes he could play sports every weekend. So that's what he does.

• 29:55Dax Shepard?

  Him, any addiction?

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Me.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  He was addicted to us. Like, we'd wake up at 8 a.m. on a Saturday and he'd have a list of all the workouts we're doing. And I was jacked up. I was like, Dad, how high do you want me to jump? He definitely lived vicariously through me, which was problematic, but also he believed in me more than anyone. But when I lost, I felt so bad that Dad wasn't proud of me.

• 30:19Dax Shepard?

  It's baked in.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  But it's not the best daddy issue you can have. You're like, my dad thinks I'm the shit.

• 30:23Dax Shepard?

  That's what I'm gonna say. You're gonna have a fucking dad issue. And if it was that your dad spent way too much time with you and focused too much on you, I gotta pick that one.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  But we just talked about this on an episode about dads who are coaches. Oh, it was with Leve.

• 30:38Dax Shepard?

  Whose mother is a symphony orchestra violinist.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Was her teacher for a bit. And it was like, oh, gosh, that mix of it being your parent who's supposed to be unconditional, which he clearly is.

• 30:49Speaker 02

  You'd have dinner one night.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  After a loss. And the tension is there. You can't help it. But then I would win a match. I just remember us jumping in the parking lot like we just won the Super Bowl.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:01Speaker 02

  And those moments are so special. But then it became, I wasn't playing for myself. I wasn't playing just for fun. And I think that's important to any parents that are like raising their kids. Make sure they're choosing it every day. I thought I loved it, but I loved him loving that I won.

• 31:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's complicated.

• 31:17Dax Shepard?

  But also, do you think you can go to the next level and still love it? Every professional athlete we've interviewed, they all stop loving.

• 31:28Speaker 02

  Andre Agassi's book was.

• 31:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  Not Flowers and Rainbows.

• 31:32Dax Shepard?

  Most of the tennis ways, we had.

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Roddick.

• 31:34Dax Shepard?

  Roddick on.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  I love him. I played with him in a charity event this summer and greatest moment of my life.

• 31:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he's a fucking stud.

• 31:41Speaker 01

  He's hot.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  But it's funny, you get to make fun of him and his spiked hair and his visor. Only he could pull that off.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  I know.

• 31:47Speaker 02

  A visor with spiked hair, that was his, like, look.

• 31:50Dax Shepard?

  That was his look.

• 31:51Speaker 02

  And every girl was like, oh, I've never been more attracted to this.

• 31:54Speaker 01

  I know.

• 31:55Dax Shepard?

  Sign me up.

• 31:55Speaker 02

  Strange look.

• 31:56Speaker 01

  He's also so nice.

• 31:57Speaker 02

  But yeah, tennis, it is your longest relationship. So that's why you have breakdowns. Because one day, you just don't have it anymore. And you're like, so I can't think about it. I can't play it. Who am I?

• 32:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  But long story short. When I started to discover comedy, I did get scared that I was gonna have performance anxiety again.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:15Speaker 02

  I was like, oh, no, I found another thing that I could disappoint people with, that I have potential, but I can be in my head about. But I got dared to do like a live podcast, because I started with podcasting in like 2018. It was my small mental health comedy pod. And someone was like, do 10 minutes of stand up, because I'd been writing a lot of tweets. And I remember walking on stage at Caroline's.

• 32:36Dax Shepard?

  That was your first time, was that Caroline?

• 32:38Speaker 02

  I did it all wrong. The first time I did it was the sold out crowd at Caroline's 10 minutes.

• 32:44Speaker 01

  10 minutes is also long for people who don't.

• 32:46Speaker 02

  This is the thing. I am crazy. And I've served underhand against Duke and lost. I'm like, I can talk to a bunch of girls at Caroline's.

• 32:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  But I also was like, I'm gonna go on stage and I think I'm gonna feel like how I feel before I serve. And I had a lot of trauma still.

• 33:02Dax Shepard?

  You also thought that when you filmed your Netflix stand up special, right? Which is like, it's not ever filmed, but now that it's filmed, am I gonna forget my entire fucking hour?

• 33:10Speaker 01

  And also, your brain can say like, because you've already done it. You've already.

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Your brain loves patterns.

• 33:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  So I'm about to walk on and immediately a calm hits me. And it's a calm that I'm like, have goosebumps that other players would tell me about. Like, they're like, yeah, you're nervous before, but then you get on and then you calm down. I never had that calm.

• 33:29Dax Shepard?

  While you were playing tennis?

• 33:30Speaker 02

  I always felt like it was judgment day. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong? Like, on a stage, I'm gonna cry, but I was like, oh, this is where they wanted me to be. And all the training from tennis and the discipline and the mental warfare and things that made me not good at tennis, like thinking too much, made me go to crowd work, because I can't help but impulsively say what I'm thinking.

• 33:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:54Speaker 03

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

• 33:59Dax Shepard?

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• 34:44Dax Shepard?

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• 35:29Dax Shepard?

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• 35:52Speaker 04

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• 36:28Speaker 02

  I had this creative side that I was always suppressing. Like, I was goofy in school and I loved art. And I suppressed it all by like nine years old to become a professional tennis player.

• 36:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, did you have thriving friendships throughout? I know you went to Florida for a couple of years to train for tennis, but were you missing out on a lot of sleepovers and all that stuff?

• 36:47Speaker 02

  I definitely did, but I also had no interest.

• 36:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you just weren't there. It's not that you were missing out.

• 36:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I had friends. I remember a coach giving me this whole speech about how this guy would have gone pro, but he loved partying too much. And I was like 12 and he's like, "All he does is party. All he does is party." And I'm such a naive little girl. I go, "How many birthday parties has he been invited to? How many birthday parties does he go to?" I didn't realize that there was this culture.

• 37:10Dax Shepard?

  Other form of partying.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Mind you, for some reason, guys who love partying like find me. But I also loved having a purpose. Like, I'd wake up and be like, "This weekend I have a tournament." But it was torture.

• 37:23Dax Shepard?

  Did you have girlfriends on like the tour? Or the kids you saw a lot at meets?

• 37:27Speaker 02

  Women's tennis is hard because they're all your... The second you get too close to one, you're like, "Oh, this is gonna affect when we play." Or you are friends with them and then you play them and you're like, "I fucking hate you."

• 37:37Dax Shepard?

  Sure, but can't you hate them for 45 minutes?

• 37:40Speaker 02

  We're women.

• 37:41Speaker 01

  That's not how it works.

• 37:42Speaker 02

  But what's beautiful is now I'm actually reconnecting with a lot of tennis girls from juniors. Kind of like, "Hey, what's up?" And we have this crazy trauma bond and I feel like we were in war together and we didn't know it.

• 37:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  And we're all really getting along now, which is beautiful. And also, if a girl was doing well, I'd be like, "Fuck, my dad probably thinks she's doing better than me."

• 38:03Speaker 01

  Like wishes she was his daughter.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  So I'm like, "Now you're fucking up me and my dad."

• 38:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  Now you're coming for my dad.

• 38:10Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 38:11Dax Shepard?

  I do want to say from the dad's perspective, the line we're hovering, it literally happened to me last night where my daughter's running for student council president.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  Cute.

• 38:19Dax Shepard?

  She's been reading me drafts of the speech. Asking for input. I've been helpful, helpful, helpful.

• 38:25Speaker 02

  Giving notes.

• 38:26Dax Shepard?

  Then last night I found that line. I don't know, I might give some specifics of the things that you're going to change about the school as opposed to blank. And then that just set off the whole thing. And I was like, oh my God, I don't know. You're asking, this is good. You're asking, okay. And then, yeah, you can just see, well, I know what you want and I have an opinion on how you could get it. First of all, I don't give a fuck if you're student council. In fact, I hope you're not student council president because I imagine I'll have to drive more things.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 38:53Dax Shepard?

  I want your hobby to be watching TV with me. That's what I want her to be a professional at. But yeah, and I'm like, you're trying to help as much as the person can receive the help. And it's going well, it's going as well. And then you do this thing and it's like scarring. And you're like, I don't know, that felt the same as the previous bit of help I gave.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  Wait, what was it? You said to give a little more specifics?

• 39:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it was like, I want to improve the school and I'll listen to you to improve the school. And my suggestion was like, I don't know, do you want to have a dance? Do you want to like, is there a certain thing?

• 39:24Speaker 01

  So she sent me the speech too.

• 39:26Speaker 02

  She knows she has resources and she's getting it.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  She sent it to me two days ago. It was email. So it wasn't face to face. So maybe that helped.

• 39:34Dax Shepard?

  And you're not her dad.

• 39:35Speaker 01

  But that's my whole point. I gave that exact note.

• 39:37Dax Shepard?

  You gave the same note. At least I feel convicted in the suggestion you made.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  She wasn't like mad at me. So clearly.

• 39:44Dax Shepard?

  We totally mended before that.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Did you tell her to lie? Be like politicians lie. Say you're getting ice cream every day.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 39:50Speaker 02

  You could say anything in the speech.

• 39:52Dax Shepard?

  There's going to be hot tubs in every classroom.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  I think someone did that in my school. They were like, we're getting ice cream.

• 39:56Dax Shepard?

  Okay, Jacob Elordi is going to be the gym teacher. Timothy Shalem is going to be teaching the.

• 40:01Speaker 01

  No, hers is so cute because she says, I can't promise. And then she makes such a massage chairs.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  That's adorable. And then she's shitting on the other people running. She's like, did you hear?

• 40:11Dax Shepard?

  We totally mended last night and I said, look, I think I probably was underestimating. This has got to be so stressful. You're going to like give a speech on Friday. You probably feel overwhelmed and you're probably stressed out. And I hit critical mass and I'm really sorry.

• 40:23Speaker 01

  This just played out as the exact difference between when a father gives a note and when a me.

• 40:29Dax Shepard?

  An auntie.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:30Speaker 02

  But overall, it's out of love. Love that you care about her. Yeah. Like, that's the overarching. Yeah.

• 40:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe your dad really had tennis aspirations.

• 40:39Speaker 02

  No, he did.

• 40:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he did.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  He fully, like, if he had the resources, he would have wanted to do it.

• 40:43Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  And he, like, loved that he could provide it for me. We had this movie-type moment at 16 where I was really struggling mentally, and he was like, "We're going on the court." He's so dramatic for this, too, but, like, love it for that. He goes, "You're gonna hit one ball, and you're gonna tell me if you want to keep playing. And whatever you say, I'm gonna love you." Like, that dramatic. I remember hitting it and being like, "I'm gonna keep going, Daddy."

• 41:10Dax Shepard?

  And then it starts thunderstorming, and then you still want to keep going?

• 41:14Speaker 02

  I ended up playing for the boys' team, which was pretty cool, in my high school.

• 41:17Dax Shepard?

  In high school.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  Because they have a girls' team in Title IX, and I always have drama around me, so they ended up causing some drama. They were like, "She shouldn't play on the boys' team because it's unfair."

• 41:27Dax Shepard?

  The boys have boners. It's not productive.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  So distracting. And then they ended up granting my team a girls' team that my dad ended up coaching, so that's a nice rip. That's awesome.

• 41:36Dax Shepard?

  Wonderful. So he got to ruin all their lives.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  That's literally his joke. He's like, "Well, I ruined one. We could ruin a lot of them." But he's always had an amazing sense of humor. He loves making fun of me. We're so mean to each other in the best way. We got to this point where I was like, he's always disappointed me because I never made it pro for my dad, but he's had this moment where he's like, "You know what I admire about you? You get thrown down, and you always get back up." And I was like, "If that's all my parents want from me, I'm like, I could live like that." Yes. Just get back up, you know?

• 42:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what you can't understand when you're a kid is, "I'm proud of you, full stop. Because you're you. I'm enamored with you. I love you. If you become president, it'll be cool. I'm not gonna be more in love with you. There's a base. I'm at 100% of adoring you, and none of your accomplishments are gonna raise that, nor any of your failures will lower that."

• 42:28Speaker 02

  True. Also, my dad would get annoyed at something I would do on the court, and then I'd watch him play, and he'd do the exact same thing, and I'm like, "And that's the problem."

• 42:37Dax Shepard?

  I know the problem, yeah.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:39Dax Shepard?

  Genetics and you're pissed at the genetics you gave me.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  And I also would say he could have been a comic, but he ended up not going that route. And I think I'm basically him with my mom's discipline.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  That's great.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  That's why now when people, you know, as a female comic, you say stuff on stage and he'll have his friends be like, I saw that clip. My dad is so happy. He's like, I want my daughter to be happy. I've seen her through a lot of different phases of her life. So my parents could not be more supportive of me doing it.

• 43:09Dax Shepard?

  Little brother's story.

• 43:10Speaker 02

  Oh, he was like, fuck you, dad. I'm not playing this game. He's naturally as athletic as me, as performative, but when my dad would be like, let's run in the park. I'd be like, okay. My brother would be like, I'm playing World of Warcraft. I don't give a shit about you.

• 43:22Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 43:22Speaker 02

  So he's iconic for that.

• 43:24Dax Shepard?

  And so he was tons of friends, sleepovers.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Yes. Went to Wisconsin, but like was in a frat.

• 43:29Dax Shepard?

  Why did he also go to Wisconsin?

• 43:31Speaker 02

  He followed me.

• 43:32Dax Shepard?

  How much younger is he?

• 43:33Speaker 02

  Twenty-two months. So it's cute. Yeah. He saw the stress inducing part of it for me and he was like, I'm good. I was like, you don't need dad's approval. And he's like, no, watch me. And my dad would be like, do you want to do this? And he'd be like, no. And I'm like, oh my God, he's so cool. Wish I could do that.

• 43:48Speaker 01

  Do you think he followed you to protect you?

• 43:51Dax Shepard?

  Or be protected by you.

• 43:52Speaker 01

  Well, no, if he saw that she's like in mental distress.

• 43:57Speaker 02

  I feel like he looked up to me, but also he weirdly is more mature than me. So I think it was a combination of I'm proud of her for going there, but also let me keep an eye on her.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  That's so sweet.

• 44:08Dax Shepard?

  I did want to ask about the transition from Brooklyn. Well, actually, let me go back. There's one other question I had before college, which is you were commuting to this school in Hell's Kitchen. Yeah.

• 44:18Speaker 02

  Of course.

• 44:19Dax Shepard?

  From Brooklyn?

• 44:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:20Dax Shepard?

  So were you riding a train every morning?

• 44:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 44:22Dax Shepard?

  I'm enamored with this idea. So you were a little kid. Were you in ninth grade when this started?

• 44:27Speaker 02

  I was a junior when I came back from Florida. I found out this public school in the Upper West Side had this great boys team.

• 44:35Dax Shepard?

  What's it called?

• 44:35Speaker 02

  Beacon.

• 44:35Dax Shepard?

  Beacon.

• 44:36Speaker 02

  Oh my God. It was so artsy too. We did project based assessments. So instead of tests, we would present to the teacher things. Like it was very New York City progressive, but they had amazing sports somehow. It was like the best tennis team in the city. And I literally had a meeting with the coach. I'm like, if you come into the school, we'll fucking win a championship. And he was like, you're in. I don't know if I could legally say that, but it happened. This is years later. So the best part about it is. You walk to the train and there's a couple other kids who live in Park Slope where I was, who go to school with you. So you end up every morning with like 15 kids and we all get in the train at the same time. And then you have 40 minutes to do homework or study.

• 45:16Dax Shepard?

  Good job.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  And also, people are fucking scared of teenagers. Like, we ran that subway. Like, we're annoying, we're telling stories. And everyone's just going to work together. And it's a beautiful thing. The subway's like magical to me.

• 45:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I was wondering, in those, I guess, two years of commuting, did you see some shit?

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, like, what are some of the wilder things? I've seen some shit and I never even lived there.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  The coolest thing about the subway is you think about how we've all lived such crazy lives. And in this moment, we're just in this quiet place on the same car. Like, how did we all get here? And we're all from different backgrounds, from different religions, from different traumas.

• 45:52Dax Shepard?

  That's the egalitarian part of New York City.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  The train, I've had a guy puke on me.

• 45:57Dax Shepard?

  Puke?

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Oh, that's actually kind of common. Someone's hungover and it's 7 a.m. You also, you all press together and it's just socially, like, this is pre-COVID. Yeah. But you have to get on this train and there's really no room and you just fucking go. It's a squeeze. You're in between pancakes, can't breathe, you're just like, like, fighting for air. But that's just socially acceptable.

• 46:15Dax Shepard?

  I'd be very uncomf if I was like a middle-aged businessman and a teenage girl got on and wedged her.

• 46:20Speaker 02

  You get so used to it. You get so used to it. There's also, like, you can't take up the whole pole. Put one, two fingers, you're not fucking lying on the pole. Also, if you see there's like an open area, there's a reason. There's a guy who pooped himself. There's a dead pigeon on fire. Or a dead body. A dead body. The mistake people make in subways, they see an open car and they go, my lucky day. No. This is a good cautionary tale. Someone's doing witchcraft and you're about to have crazy stuff go down.

• 46:49Dax Shepard?

  Have you seen what happens in Tokyo on subways? I happen to write a script that was set. No, the shoulder sleeping. This is the apex of a collective society. They get on and you think you were packed in New York. You know, they're doing Forex in Tokyo.

• 47:04Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, they're better.

• 47:05Dax Shepard?

  And then, once they're there, they just lean their head over on a stranger's shoulder and fucking half the people are just dead asleep, standing up. That's incredible.

• 47:14Speaker 02

  It's beautiful. Trusting. Really nice. I wish I could have that kind of peace ever.

• 47:19Dax Shepard?

  Were you seeing a lot of nudity? Cause I've seen some pants down on New York subway.

• 47:23Speaker 02

  One of my early first kisses was in Central Park and then I looked and there was a guy jerking off.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 47:29Speaker 02

  And that was crazy because I'd never seen even a boner before.

• 47:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 47:33Speaker 01

  And were you like, oh my God, I'm so good at kissing.

• 47:37Speaker 01

  This is where I'm meant to be. I should be an actor because like.

• 47:41Dax Shepard?

  Like I should kiss more often.

• 47:43Speaker 02

  I'm such a New York City lover because I feel like it's easy to get in your head. But if you just walk outside, you see so many people who one, don't give a fuck about your stupid problems. And two, I think my grandpa once told me like, you'll see people in their darkest times in New York. And he's like, they could have been an astronaut 10 years ago. Everyone's just at a time in their life and New York doesn't stop for anyone. It's a beautiful reminder just how little we are in this world. New Yorkers do have each other's back. I think post nine 11 where you'll be in a subway and someone starts like choking or something. And someone's like, I'm a doctor. I got this. But then they're not gonna say thank you. Like they just move on. Like I saved your life.

• 48:22Dax Shepard?

  He says fuck you after he does a high mic.

• 48:24Speaker 02

  Fuck yourself. Never touch me again.

• 48:25Dax Shepard?

  Fucked up my shirt. You fuck it next time. Pull my shirt up. I don't know this to say this, but I feel like most often people from small towns are desiring going to a bigger flashier place. They go to New York, they go to LA, wherever they go. And you went from, yeah, this childhood in New York to Madison. Were you like, what's happening here?

• 48:43Speaker 02

  It was a culture shock.

• 48:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I bet.

• 48:45Speaker 02

  Cause I didn't know what a Wisconsin was.

• 48:48Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  My dad was like, they have a basketball team. And I was like, I don't know. I didn't know Midwest culture.

• 48:53Dax Shepard?

  And they're apex Midwest culture. I'm from Michigan, but they go harder.

• 48:56Speaker 02

  It's different. There's no cow tipping in Michigan.

• 48:59Dax Shepard?

  Well, there is, but.

• 49:00Speaker 02

  Oh, there is? Oh, I'm sorry.

• 49:01Dax Shepard?

  A lot of rural.

• 49:03Speaker 01

  How dare you?

• 49:04Speaker 02

  You don't know my culture.

• 49:06Speaker 02

  Wisconsin does have like amazing beer, amazing cheese, but like I'm like half Italian. And guys were like, I've never seen someone so exotic.

• 49:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 49:17Speaker 02

  Everyone's blonde, everyone's Norwegian or German. I'm used to New York City where if you didn't wear something weird, people were like, you're a loser. Or like in Wisconsin, if you wear something different, everyone's like, you're weird.

• 49:28Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's scary.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  It was kind of scary and I remember feeling a little misunderstood. I remember feeling like a little loud. I didn't hit it off with the men that, well, they were all. Corn-fed, huge, beautiful men. They would like talk about duck hunting and I was like, why do you have to kill the ducks?

• 49:46Dax Shepard?

  What have they done to you?

• 49:47Speaker 01

  I like that.

• 49:48Speaker 02

  Really? And it wasn't like a culture shock where you're like, cool, interesting culture. It was more, I felt misunderstood.

• 49:53Dax Shepard?

  Well, I could have just imagined also the reduction of stimuli that you're not even aware your nervous system has become completely accustomed to. That subway ride, you pluck someone out of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan or Wisconsin, just drop them on the subway, they're fucking nervous as well. What? That dude's got a, you know? And it's the opposite for you, right? I almost feel like you would have been painfully bored or understimulated.

• 50:19Speaker 02

  Maybe that's why I was so in my head all the time, because there was nothing to think about.

• 50:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, no distractions.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  I was interviewed by like the Mizzou coach early on. I was like, tell me about your school. And he was like, I don't think you're gonna like it. He was like, this isn't a good fit and I don't want to put you through this. And I was like, I like, well, I want you to choose me. But it was interesting. Some people really want a small town, simple, but Madison, Wisconsin is an amazing town. It's the capital and the school combined and it's truly spectacular. But as a college athlete, you don't experience it.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:49Dax Shepard?

  Did you go to any field parties?

• 50:50Speaker 01

  That sucks.

• 50:51Speaker 02

  I don't know. I never went to a field party. I'm an uncultured swan.

• 50:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's, I just wish you had been. Have you ever been to a field party?

• 50:58Speaker 01

  I don't think so.

• 50:59Dax Shepard?

  You get it, you know, you go into a field and start drinking and.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  He goes, it's pretty crazy.

• 51:05Dax Shepard?

  I would say it's character building. Because again, in New York, you guys have all kinds of stuff to entertain yourself. No one's got to be that creative, but you just put 25 people in a field and tell them they're fun. You gotta be creative.

• 51:15Speaker 02

  I heard people love Sonic. People in the suburbs will go to like a Sonic parking lot.

• 51:19Speaker 01

  Yes, everyone went to Sonic and you just hang out in the car with everyone there. Or Waffle House, huge, huge hangout spot.

• 51:25Dax Shepard?

  If you like fighting.

• 51:27Speaker 01

  Fighting with the movie theater.

• 51:28Speaker 02

  There's like a joke online where people always like, my parents thought I was studying, but I was in a field about to die somewhere, just running around. Where I think in New York City, I was too scared. Central Park, after 11:00 PM, you will get raped. That was like a fag.

• 51:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:42Speaker 02

  That was on you at that point.

• 51:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 51:44Speaker 02

  Go to Central Park.

• 51:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. You went to a barber shop and got a haircut. What did you think was gonna happen?

• 51:48Speaker 02

  So I think New Yorkers, like, we never had any drunk driving issues because no one could drive.

• 51:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:53Speaker 02

  I think in New York, either you were doing meth at 11 or you were scared. And I was scared.

• 51:59Dax Shepard?

  You were in that latter group. Tell me about the gap between getting out of college and then summer house. What happens in that phase?

• 52:07Speaker 02

  That's one of my darker times, but I love telling people in their twenties, no one tells you that it is your darkest time.

• 52:14Speaker 01

  Twenties are tough.

• 52:15Dax Shepard?

  Well, because older people, they just are so envious, they want to be twenty. Yeah, and you forget that you're losing your mind because you have no identity.

• 52:22Speaker 02

  You don't have a mind.

• 52:23Dax Shepard?

  You find out that that identity is not going to work out.

• 52:25Speaker 02

  In my twenties, I was teaching tennis, which was fun because I like new tennis. But I also was like, you fucking loser. People are playing tournaments and you're teaching like a six-year-old, you fucking loser. Not to name drop, but I was teaching this very wealthy man in the Hamptons.

• 52:38Dax Shepard?

  Oh, a full-grown adult man, not even someone's child.

• 52:41Speaker 02

  I teach from six years old to 96.

• 52:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  I will take all your money. And also, everyone loves tennis.

• 52:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 52:47Speaker 02

  And some of these guys, they just were lonely. I was just strictly teaching tennis, but like, I was teaching him how to text sometimes.

• 52:53Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  You're actually like a therapist because tennis is so intimate where like you miss a ball and they're like, why did I miss? And you're like, are you having trouble at home? Like, you work stuff out. And this guy was like, okay, we're having some people come over. They're all these rich dudes. He's like, and Chelsea. I'm 21 years old, by the way. Chelsea lately is like at its height.

• 53:12Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I was gonna say, are we talking Clinton? Are we talking Handler?

• 53:15Speaker 02

  I know, it could have been.

• 53:15Speaker 01

  I actually really did think it was Clinton.

• 53:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, so I'm glad, I am glad.

• 53:20Dax Shepard?

  People.

• 53:21Speaker 01

  I heard like man and then I, and then Chelsea.

• 53:24Dax Shepard?

  And Hamptons, maybe.

• 53:25Speaker 02

  That could have gone two different ways.

• 53:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so Handler.

• 53:27Speaker 01

  Little more on drugs.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  So she shows up and I read all her autobiographies. I didn't know it yet, but I loved comedy. She walks on, I'm fucking double faulting, I'm so nervous. We're playing doubles and it's one thing to meet someone who you admire, but to spend two hours teaching tennis was as a 21-year-old. I remember at the end, I was like, do you have any advice for like a? A girl getting growing up. She literally looked at me and she was like, I got lucky and like walked away. But she was so nice, so funny. And now I went to her show last night and we text. I was like, Chelsea, you know, I taught you tennis when I was 21. She's like, gun to my head, have no idea who you are. Never remembered that. But yeah, tennis was cool where you'd get to see different people's lives.

• 54:11Speaker 02

  And these Aussie rich people who were empty and just lonely and just paying people to be around them.

• 54:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  I got to see this different level of money.

• 54:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you get all this money and you've had this huge fantasy and then you're like, why aren't I euphoric? I'm supposed to be euphoric.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:29Dax Shepard?

  And now I'm terrified because now I know there's no solution.

• 54:31Speaker 02

  And I'm like, this guy is so successful at his job, but can't hit a backhand and he like hates himself. So it was very fun, but I was like, I need to move away from this.

• 54:40Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, there's the long worn stereotype of like, the dude's telling their buddy like, you're letting your wife take tennis lessons, like he's gonna fuck that dude, right? That's like a very well worn trope.

• 54:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's a hot Brazilian guy that's fucking your wife.

• 54:55Dax Shepard?

  Yes, where the wife's not like, absolutely not 21 year old fucking tennis coach.

• 55:01Speaker 02

  I think, which is also why maybe I'm good at comedy. I have a way to like bro myself down. I'm not showing up with makeup, tits out.

• 55:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 02

  I'm yelling at them. I'm not like, hey, baby, good to see you. I'm like, that's not why I practice. Yes, I'm full, like I'm come from a coaching background, so I'm like there to make you better. And so like the wives were like, good, fucking yell at him. He's so annoying.

• 55:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 55:25Speaker 02

  And I'm like, yeah, I'll drop. It's just the energy you put out into the world.

• 55:28Dax Shepard?

  All right, good.

• 55:28Speaker 02

  Could I have made more money if I was a little flirty or maybe?

• 55:30Dax Shepard?

  I don't know, it's Christmas bonus.

• 55:33Speaker 02

  If I was a little nicer with the serve. Cause I see some of these billionaires, they do tennis lessons and everyone's afraid to like tell them what they're doing wrong. And they don't get better.

• 55:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:41Speaker 02

  And I'm like, someone tell this guy to bend his knees.

• 55:44Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so you were coaching tennis in that gap.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  And I'm like, I have to get away from tennis. I have to find who I am. I started doing cold calling sales because my dad was like, if you want to be successful in life, do cold calling sales. And if you can handle that, you can handle anything.

• 55:58Dax Shepard?

  Did he also, because my dad was a salesman, he's a car salesman. He said, if you think there's any job in the world that's not sales, you're crazy. Every single job is sales.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  That's exactly what my dad said to me and he's like, you have to sell yourself to sell everything.

• 56:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's true because I've dealt with other artists out here who are writers. I'm like, at the end of the day, dude, you're walking into a studio and you better put on a fucking show.

• 56:18Speaker 02

  Early on, I was like, guys, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I will sell it. I don't know what this is. I have my back.

• 56:24Dax Shepard?

  I don't believe it. I don't have any knowledge of the product and I'm going to move this unit.

• 56:29Speaker 01

  Marcelo also did sales.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, because it's an X factor, the salesman. It's a hard gig.

• 56:36Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's just like, you're going to get rejected fucking nonstop and you just gotta be able to go, yeah, whatever.

• 56:40Speaker 02

  So I actually, I joined the sales team and it was a bunch of guys and me, but again, I'm used to it. I used to train with a lot of guys. It really feels like I've always been in this male dominated space that I'm like, okay, I'm here now. And I would just like kind of giggle on the phone a lot. Like I would just kind of be jokey and silly. And I remember one guy being like, all you do is giggle on the phone, which is so funny because now that's my career.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  But I had like a lightness and silliness about it and I started doing really well. I was making good money at like 23.

• 57:08Dax Shepard?

  Nice.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  But I started to feel like I was just taking from people. My day was just, you were something I needed something from.

• 57:15Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 57:16Speaker 02

  And I'm a creative. That went against my core. We're like, I'm a people pleaser. I'm an artist. I want to give. I started hating it. I would like hide in the bathroom. I'd hang out with the social media team and be like, what do you guys have today?

• 57:29Dax Shepard?

  Can I ask what you were selling?

• 57:30Speaker 02

  I was selling marketing for small businesses.

• 57:33Dax Shepard?

  I know why you felt a little dirty because you're like, I don't know if this marketing is going to help your business. And there's no way to actually find out.

• 57:38Speaker 02

  And also I'm not selling yet, like these big businesses. This is like a guy at the pizzeria.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 02

  And I mean, it wasn't an expensive product.

• 57:46Dax Shepard?

  Listen, I did the same thing. I worked for my dad. Yeah, I had a lot of different sales jobs for my dad as well. I was just like, I don't know if anyone's getting anything they paid for.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, because then you sell it and then the people, I'm like, are you guys doing what I sold? But it was such a good experience. I said, I want to do marketing. I started doing marketing for a t-shirt company.

• 58:02Dax Shepard?

  And you have a communications degree?

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Communications degree. And at the end of my communications degree, I had a little internship at Wisconsin where I did some sports broadcasting.

• 58:11Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 58:12Speaker 02

  Because deep down, I actually thought I was going to be a sports broadcaster. I'm like, I know sports. I can. Turned it on. Welcome to ESPN. I'm Hannah Berner.

• 58:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:20Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 58:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  And I had some like funny interviews that did well. You have to move to a small town to be a sports broadcaster. And I was like, I'm fucking done with this. I want to be in New York City. I actually told my mom, this is crazy, but I was like, what if I interviewed people on the subway? I thought of that like 22.

• 58:37Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  So like, your body knows what you want to do.

• 58:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:41Speaker 02

  But then I was like, ah, stupid idea. So fast forward, I'm in Vegas selling T-shirts at like 25. And I see an old video pop up on YouTube of me interviewing a Wisconsin basketball player. And I just thought, fuck it, I want to be on camera. Which is, again, embarrassing.

• 58:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 58:58Speaker 02

  Saying you want to be on camera.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  It's vulnerable.

• 59:01Speaker 02

  That's so brutal.

• 59:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:04Speaker 02

  Especially as a woman to be like, I should be seen.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  And you guys should look at me.

• 59:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:10Dax Shepard?

  Preferably all day.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  So I decide at 25, I start telling people like, I want to be on camera. I didn't know what it was, maybe sports, I didn't know. Always loved stand up, but I did not think I'd be stand up. And this company, Betches, is hiring for a video producer. And I knew how to edit from Wisconsin. Who knew a communication arts degree got you?

• 59:33Dax Shepard?

  What are we using?

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Premiere Pro.

• 59:35Dax Shepard?

  Premiere Pro, great.

• 59:37Speaker 02

  Which is how it launched my entire career. So I'm editing for them. They finally are like, can you make a sketch? And I got this like wedding videographer to film it. It was called When Bay Facetimes You. Bay was really in at the time.

• 59:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that means your boyfriend.

• 59:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:50Dax Shepard?

  Or girlfriend.

• 59:51Speaker 02

  Or like someone you're into.

• 59:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay. B A E?

• 59:53Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 59:54Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 59:54Speaker 02

  You're so in, you know what the kids are doing.

• 59:56Dax Shepard?

  Everything.

• 1:00:00Dax Shepard?

  Do you want to see me dance?

• 1:00:01Speaker 01

  Oh, my God. B A E.

• 1:00:03Speaker 02

  Monica's literally like, find a happy place.

• 1:00:05Speaker 01

  He needed to ask the spelling. Oh, boy, okay.

• 1:00:08Dax Shepard?

  Well, maybe there's a 70-year-old dude listening and he was, he was adrift. And I just told him how it works.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:00:13Dax Shepard?

  Okay, sorry.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  So I have headphones on and I go, oh, I need my headphones because I'm in my pajamas. And then it shows me put like a full face of makeup on and a ring light. And then I go, found my headphones, like, let's talk. It was just like a cute little video. It goes viral and they're like, can you do this? Three times a week. And I felt the drug again. I say yes to everything.

• 1:00:31Dax Shepard?

  Three a week? Oh, you want six a week?

• 1:00:32Speaker 02

  I'm like, I want six a week. I was like, where am I gonna go? And I was like, working on the weekends. I found my passion again. I was like, my whole life, I could just make funny videos. Like, this is fucking sick. And I start casting New York City comics to be in the videos. So I start surrounding myself with cool comedians.

• 1:00:48Dax Shepard?

  A little budget.

• 1:00:50Speaker 02

  I've got a tag here and there, a little 50 bucks here.

• 1:00:52Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  But I was like, seeing these people's lives, I'm like, so you do podcasts during the day? You're auditioning and you do stand up at night and that's your life? And I was like, that's fucking kind of cool.

• 1:01:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  And then I get a call to be on a reality TV show.

• 1:01:09Speaker 03

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

• 1:01:22Dax Shepard?

  So they found you?

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  I got a DM from a producer.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  And they were like, we're looking for New York City kids in their twenties.

• 1:01:28Dax Shepard?

  I can't imagine at that time you had seen season one or two of Summer.

• 1:01:32Speaker 02

  I hadn't watched it.

• 1:01:33Dax Shepard?

  Right, right.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  And it's about kids who work, I see you saying kids, because I'm so old now, but people.

• 1:01:38Speaker 01

  Twenties.

• 1:01:38Speaker 02

  Twenties.

• 1:01:39Dax Shepard?

  Humans.

• 1:01:39Speaker 02

  Who work.

• 1:01:41Dax Shepard?

  Human beings.

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  Who work during the week and then they party in the Hamptons on the weekends. Now, I grew up in New York City and I'd go to Shelter Island and play tennis and do old man stuff. But I was like, I know this lifestyle. And I'm like, can I promote my podcast? And they were like, yes, we love that. So I think I've like hit the jackpot. Also, I do the Zoom and I'm like, I don't think I'm a reality TV person when you see me. I don't know what they saw in me, maybe that I'm loose lips. I was like, I'm a people pleaser, but I like being funny. I think they loved that I was the sporty girl.

• 1:02:13Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:02:13Speaker 02

  They like to cast you.

• 1:02:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and then you're an archetype.

• 1:02:15Speaker 02

  I was like the truth teller, sporty girl who was like relatable. I wasn't too hot, but I wasn't like too drunk. Like, I kind of had my role.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  What did the audition or Zoom, do they like show you pictures of people and then you comment on them?

• 1:02:26Speaker 02

  It's actually really funny. They're like, so do you think so and so's life is headed in the right direction?

• 1:02:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. They want you to make some judgment.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  And I remember not knowing anything about the people. But like trying to have a hot take.

• 1:02:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  Which is honestly me with podcasting. I'm like, if I don't care about it, I'll still have a hot take.

• 1:02:43Dax Shepard?

  Haven't seen it, haven't read anything about it, and I'm gonna fully flood.

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  And I will fight this out with you right now. But also, again, I like a challenge. I also was still feeling a little lost. I remember telling my mom about it.

• 1:02:54Dax Shepard?

  It's also paycheck.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  I wasn't making money at the time. And my mom was like, I'm a little nervous, but you've done a lot of hard things, even at your young age. See what happens. She's like, you're a nice human. Like, you're not gonna get into fights with people. You're not gonna cry. You're not a crier.

• 1:03:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you do all those things?

• 1:03:11Speaker 02

  So honestly, reality TV was the most fucked up, beautiful experience I've ever had.

• 1:03:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what are the pros and the cons, or the highs and the lows?

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  The highs were that if you get a good edit, people think you're the greatest human in the world. Yeah. Like, you just are the greatest. You are the funniest. You've never made a mistake. Everything you say is right. You're playing a character for a storyline that they choose to say. Yeah. And honestly, I had two really good seasons where I met friends for life.

• 1:03:40Dax Shepard?

  You met Paige, right?

• 1:03:41Speaker 02

  I met Paige. But then we had our COVID season, where we were locked in a house.

• 1:03:46Dax Shepard?

  This seems bonkers.

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  This is like child abuse.

• 1:03:49Dax Shepard?

  Well, everyone went crazy.

• 1:03:50Speaker 02

  It's not what we signed up for.

• 1:03:51Dax Shepard?

  Everyone went crazy in their homes without a camera crew there.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  Honestly, like, the later seasons is when, like, egos get involved and, like, you know each other too much. Like, you're too comfortable with each other.

• 1:04:00Dax Shepard?

  Also, people have popped, other people haven't. There's a whole lot of shit on the table.

• 1:04:04Speaker 02

  Everyone's counting everyone's followers. And it's not based on, like, you had a good stand-up special. It's based on, did you get a nice storyline that people related to?

• 1:04:11Dax Shepard?

  Let me ask one quick question on that, because often you're on set as an actor, and the actor goes, my character wouldn't do this. And like, they're fighting for the death of that, and that's not even them. So like, if you get assigned a storyline that's like so different from who you are.

• 1:04:26Speaker 02

  I'm gonna blow your mind.

• 1:04:27Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  You don't know what the storyline is.

• 1:04:29Speaker 01

  I was about to say, I was about to say.

• 1:04:31Speaker 02

  So, okay, this is my advice for people on reality TV. If the producers are coming to you being like, okay, I want to ask these questions, do this, you're in a good place. If no one talks to you before the scene, you are the storyline.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:44Speaker 02

  So you come in thinking you don't know what's going on and you can't tell if people are gonna be like, they're bullying me or I should be yelled at right now.

• 1:04:52Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, reality TV is made in the edit. The people do not know what's going on when they're in it.

• 1:04:58Speaker 02

  And when they say edit, it is a lot of, the confessionals tell the story. So I like to say, think of someone who doesn't like you, how they would tell a story. And then think of someone who does like you and how they tell a story. They decide who's gonna tell the story.

• 1:05:10Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:05:11Speaker 02

  Or you might be telling the story. People have a lot of different experiences and some seasons I felt like were really real. And then some, I feel like they have enough to work with. Then like sometimes they protect people, they don't protect other people. I feel like I learned so much from it. It humbled me. It made me realize how not in control you are. Obviously, I want to be liked. I'm in this industry. It made me realize not everyone likes you. And to have to sit with people not liking you for like something in the back of your head said, that was things that I had to fucking face my demons.

• 1:05:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:45Speaker 02

  And it also led me to stand-up comedy. Cause I was getting upset and I would be at the club at night. And I'm with all these comics and I'm like, not a good episode, not a good episode. And they were like, making fun of me. And they were like, if I was on the show, I would do this, this.

• 1:06:01Dax Shepard?

  They right-sized it for you?

• 1:06:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. It was so funny and it kept me sane. And then when I was on stage, I wasn't on my phone. And people were authentically reacting to me in the flesh. I hate saying that. It's a gross thing to say. But just me being me, that you didn't like me for me. And also comedy's so honest. And I realized if I want to find myself, this is where I'm gonna do it. And then I got fired.

• 1:06:27Dax Shepard?

  Really quick, how old were you?

• 1:06:29Speaker 02

  Thirty.

• 1:06:29Dax Shepard?

  You better believe at thirty, all I would have done is write about myself. It'd been impossible not to.

• 1:06:35Speaker 02

  I loved your Nikki Glaser episode, cause you guys really hit on this. And I was like, I'm really into this too much, but. I have to give credit to my old husband, my old beautiful tired husband.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  All of the description, not all like past husbands.

• 1:06:49Speaker 02

  Yes, he's still here, not for long.

• 1:06:52Dax Shepard?

  Tik Tok.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  Not for long, but he had this whole career before me. And he had mentioned like sometimes when he was his most liked, he felt like he was his most hated. Cause he didn't have anyone telling him like, oh, that's not actually what's going on. And when you're performing live, you have to walk on and feel love. You can't be in your head like, these people are fucking coming for me.

• 1:07:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:14Speaker 02

  So he, early on, had like a strict rule in our household. And he actually was tough with it. He's like, if you see something, you get upset, that's your problem.

• 1:07:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:24Speaker 02

  Like he was tough with me, which you know, I like.

• 1:07:27Speaker 01

  Just like your dad.

• 1:07:33Speaker 02

  But he saved my life. I wouldn't be here. And that's like dramatic, but it's true.

• 1:07:37Dax Shepard?

  He would have done much more cocaine.

• 1:07:39Speaker 02

  I would have been loving cocaine. But he was like, it's like a car crash, like you want to watch it, but you don't have to watch it.

• 1:07:46Dax Shepard?

  You're also, you're watching a car crash that you're in.

• 1:07:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's my car.

• 1:07:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, like it's gonna be extra traumatic because the car crash you're observing is you going through the windshield.

• 1:07:54Speaker 02

  My biggest advice for like artists and creators is once the comments start affecting your creativity, they win. So at that point, I wasn't trying to be a reality TV star. I was trying to be a standup comedian. So I was like, but if you're not likable, people don't trust you with a joke. So it started to get to the point where it's ups and downs in reality TV. And I was like, this is chaos. I had gotten fired from it and a talk show. That was like the end.

• 1:08:21Dax Shepard?

  Wait, you got fired from a talk show?

• 1:08:22Speaker 02

  Well, at the end of my summer house Bravo days, I had got a talk show.

• 1:08:26Dax Shepard?

  On Bravo, okay, okay.

• 1:08:28Speaker 02

  I was like, okay, like I have other skills that I could, and people were kind of seeing it. But my time ended on the show.

• 1:08:35Speaker 01

  What happened?

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  It was a matter of you need everyone to be friends. Not everyone was getting along. It was a choice. I was gonna be the one.

• 1:08:43Speaker 01

  What the fuck?

• 1:08:44Dax Shepard?

  They also can't page?

• 1:08:46Speaker 02

  No, Paige is perfect. We're like, we love Paige.

• 1:08:48Dax Shepard?

  So did she go further seasons than you?

• 1:08:50Speaker 02

  Paige lasted really long on the show.

• 1:08:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  I was the bad girl.

• 1:08:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:08:55Speaker 02

  I'd just say getting fired, star power. True star power. If you're listening, you've been fired. That takes, like, it's thin lines, we love and hate. Like, getting fired, they were like, you're too much for reality TV. I was like, iconic.

• 1:09:09Speaker 01

  But you are a people pleaser, so that must have hurt.

• 1:09:11Speaker 02

  That's why, like, when producers are, like, asked this question, I was, like, listening, which ultimately was not great for me. But again, I learned so much from it. And I was sitting in a car in Missouri, headed to a stand-up club. And I get a call, you're fired from Summer House, you're fired from Chat Room.

• 1:09:26Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:09:27Speaker 02

  And I remember thinking, now I need to get a Netflix special.

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 1:09:32Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 1:09:32Speaker 02

  I got such a chip on my shoulder. Because you have to be crazy to stand up every night. You have to have some kind of addict mentality. And I remember thinking, I love when people put me down, or like, cut me out, or I feel like no one wants to be there. And to come back stronger, I just love that. I love the rising of the phoenix, I love the underdog.

• 1:09:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:54Speaker 02

  Also, no one in reality TV gets a Netflix special, so I was like, let's fucking go. I joke, like, did you need revenge? Did you need to be so sussily about it?

• 1:10:03Dax Shepard?

  But it's powerful.

• 1:10:04Speaker 02

  I never put any of my energy towards hurting anyone. I literally was like, and now we're moving on, and we're putting all that anger into, like, when you don't want to get up to go to the club, you're fucking getting in that Uber and going there.

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:18Dax Shepard?

  Or these people were right in May 1.

• 1:10:20Speaker 02

  And my brother always was like, you're gonna lose battles, but you're not gonna lose the war, which is, like, so intense and so my sports family.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's so great.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  But I just want people to know, things are gonna happen to you regardless. Like shitty things happen to you every day. It's how you react to it. And if you can laugh at yourself, and not to be all, like, inspirational, but I was...

• 1:10:44Dax Shepard?

  Sincere, was that the word you were looking for?

• 1:10:46Speaker 02

  I've never used this word before. Not to be honest about how I feel, but everything that's made me interesting is like me fucking up.

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's all of it.

• 1:10:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You start the giggle squad.

• 1:10:59Speaker 02

  Am I saying it right? Giggly squad.

• 1:11:00Dax Shepard?

  I knew I was missing.

• 1:11:01Speaker 02

  It's literally close enough.

• 1:11:03Dax Shepard?

  We're gonna blame my dyslexia.

• 1:11:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, he is dyslexic.

• 1:11:08Dax Shepard?

  2020.

• 1:11:09Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:11:10Dax Shepard?

  You guys start this.

• 1:11:11Speaker 02

  We were doing Instagram lives. Do you remember?

• 1:11:13Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:11:14Speaker 02

  Did you guys do an Instagram live?

• 1:11:15Speaker 01

  No, we didn't.

• 1:11:16Dax Shepard?

  No, no.

• 1:11:16Speaker 02

  Good for you.

• 1:11:17Dax Shepard?

  But you were doing an hour a night for like three months? Is that what it was?

• 1:11:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was crazy. We also were on reality TV and they'd never show the funny parts. They like to laugh at you. The guy would be filming us in the bathroom and we'd be like riffing, riffing, riffing, and he would just turn and walk out. And I was like, that was gold. That was TV gold.

• 1:11:33Dax Shepard?

  I see you hate Emmys.

• 1:11:36Speaker 02

  I was like really working. You're trying to make the videographer laugh. They're like, this doesn't have to do with the current storyline we're following, so you guys are wasting my time. We were FaceTiming and I was like, let's just go live. And we did every day and it started to become kind of cultish. It was like 5,000, 10,000 people. And then we had to film our last season, so we stopped doing it. And after the season ended, Paige never thought she'd podcast because she has a face for television. She's never thought that was her direction. And I was like, Paige, like podcasting, like I've been doing it. We gotta get into it. And she's literally rolled her eyes. I was like, fine. And then it's been our like therapy, being able to be ourselves.

• 1:12:10Dax Shepard?

  In your year six?

• 1:12:12Speaker 02

  We're in year six now.

• 1:12:13Dax Shepard?

  It's huge.

• 1:12:14Speaker 02

  It was a slow, slow growth. Cause also we don't have guests, so there wouldn't be like a viral episode. The guest is stressful. And also, I'll be honest, sometimes they walk in, the energy's off.

• 1:12:27Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:12:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:28Speaker 02

  You're pulling teeth. There are positives, but having just our formula and just riffing with your best friend every day has been.

• 1:12:33Speaker 01

  I know. It's so much more fun. Well, we do the fact check, which is sort of the version of that, which is so much easier.

• 1:12:39Speaker 02

  Cause when you have chemistry, you have chemistry.

• 1:12:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm always looking forward to the fact check. There's many guys who are like, oh, let's see if I can get a person who hates being interviewed to enjoy this. I mean, the celebrities at least that we interview, like, they don't want, I get it. They gotta promote a movie.

• 1:12:53Speaker 02

  And they're friends with you guys. So this is their like warmest.

• 1:12:57Dax Shepard?

  Just in some cases, yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:59Speaker 01

  It's true.

• 1:13:00Dax Shepard?

  And then those are the trickiest ones, too. I don't know, are my allowed to bring up the fact that you fucked a bull in high school? You know, like, I know so much and I don't know what they're comfortable with. That's somehow harder.

• 1:13:12Speaker 01

  Who fucked a bull in high school?

• 1:13:15Dax Shepard?

  I actually don't know anyone that's fucked a bull, but let's say I did. Do you do two episodes a week?

• 1:13:20Speaker 02

  We moved to two episodes a week, which has been fucking fun.

• 1:13:23Speaker 01

  Cause we have it in us.

• 1:13:25Dax Shepard?

  Let me ask you a very gross question. I know that you're making a lot of money now, cause I know the size theaters you're playing in. And I, yeah, it's fucking awesome. And I know how many stand up dates you're doing. And so you've got some fucking casual. Are you enjoying it? Have you done anything stupid with it? Did you buy a fancy apartment? Like, what's happening? What's happening with all this money?

• 1:13:44Speaker 02

  Oh, my God, I'm cheap.

• 1:13:45Dax Shepard?

  Is it at all stressful in your marriage that you're making more money?

• 1:13:48Speaker 02

  Oh, he loves it.

• 1:13:49Dax Shepard?

  He loves it. Good for him. You got a mature man.

• 1:13:52Speaker 02

  He calls me his pension pussy.

• 1:13:56Speaker 02

  He's lived his own life. He's very successful in his own right. But he jokes, when we started dating was my last season of my reality show, when it was a hard time. He's like, I came in when you had no job. So no one's calling me a gold digger.

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:14:11Speaker 02

  And also I would say during the honeymoon phase was a really hard time for me. People weren't liking me that much. And I had that like moment. You're like relatable.

• 1:14:22Dax Shepard?

  Little tiny stutter. So people weren't, um, you're like, I'm waiting to hear like getting me and she's like liking me.

• 1:14:28Speaker 02

  I go, no, it was a no.

• 1:14:31Dax Shepard?

  People were passing.

• 1:14:31Speaker 02

  It was no, people were like die.

• 1:14:34Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:14:35Speaker 02

  You meet a new guy and I come from the mindset of when I'm successful, people like me more. So I'm sitting there with a new man. And at one point I was like, I don't have a job, definitely not popular. Why the fuck would you choose me?

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:52Speaker 02

  And he level headedly was like, you should talk some about that, cuz that's you.

• 1:14:56Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, my God, he sounds so great.

• 1:15:00Speaker 02

  I haven't dated these smart guys before. They're annoying cuz they can win an argument. Watch out for that. Like, he's, I'm like, how did you know that word? He's done a lot in his life. He's wise. Like, when I ask him a question before this pod, I called him, I was like, any words of wisdom?

• 1:15:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's lovely.

• 1:15:14Speaker 02

  And he's the one who's like, shut up sometimes. This is my mistakes that I've made. Don't make them again. So he's a huge part of me also having the confidence to like, put myself out there.

• 1:15:24Dax Shepard?

  This would be the worst is if you guys were in a fight and then all of a sudden he just ripped out like a proverb in Mandarin.

• 1:15:30Speaker 02

  No, he does all the time.

• 1:15:30Dax Shepard?

  He does.

• 1:15:31Speaker 02

  He's Irish, so he says things like, over the cuckoo nest. I don't know. He says all these weird.

• 1:15:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, three sheeps in a barnyard.

• 1:15:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's like, jump over the rover neck of the boat. And I'm like, I don't, I don't know what that means. But it's like hot cuz I'm like, he knows things.

• 1:15:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:46Speaker 02

  He fucking knows things. And I don't know what you're saying, but I'm not mad at you anymore cuz that was cute. Irish people love a proverb.

• 1:15:52Speaker 01

  I like proverbs. They're good.

• 1:15:54Dax Shepard?

  I think, yeah, I don't need to go into that.

• 1:15:57Speaker 02

  But you're like, not, we're gonna skip that.

• 1:15:59Dax Shepard?

  I think oppressed people come up with a lot of rad shit. I think that's why in Sinners, we got to see the Irish jig paired with all the black music. It was like, oh, yeah, look what comes out of fucking.

• 1:16:09Speaker 02

  Darkness.

• 1:16:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:10Speaker 02

  But I'm similar to you, like, we are in the same industry, but I think cuz we're in different times of our careers, it's been really helpful cuz he's like, oh, thank God, I don't have to do that again.

• 1:16:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16:21Speaker 02

  So other guys might be like, why is she getting that and not me? Where he's like, I've done that, I've been that. Don't do this cuz I did that. So he's insightful. There are times where I'm 34 and the Hulu special's about to come out, I wanna do press, and he's like, you don't have to do that one. And I'm like, but why? He sees the big picture.

• 1:16:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. He sees the marathon.

• 1:16:39Speaker 02

  But he's tough with me. Like, he'll call me out. He's like, is that ego? We're honest with each other.

• 1:16:43Dax Shepard?

  Is he in AA?

• 1:16:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:16:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. We pick up a lot of. Bullshit in there, don't we?

• 1:16:49Speaker 02

  But then you know some guys, you're like, go to therapy and he's like, I've done years of therapy. And I'm like, ugh.

• 1:16:55Dax Shepard?

  I am a therapist. I sponsor 70 guys. I've talked guys off roofs.

• 1:17:02Speaker 02

  And he was in Ireland where he was doing like NA. He like knows all the like guys who were in NA in Ireland. And like, he's seen some shit.

• 1:17:09Dax Shepard?

  Those are the gnarliest dudes.

• 1:17:10Speaker 02

  But that's why also I was like, this guy could handle me.

• 1:17:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:17:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, he's war torn.

• 1:17:16Speaker 01

  Okay, so you weren't using your money to buy anything cute.

• 1:17:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's what we're learning.

• 1:17:20Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 1:17:20Dax Shepard?

  You've bought something cute because you look ashamed of yourself.

• 1:17:23Speaker 02

  I am wearing, this is a very expensive water breaker, but it's my friend Paige who lent it to me because she knows how to be rich.

• 1:17:33Dax Shepard?

  If I bet I asked her these questions, she would have.

• 1:17:35Speaker 02

  She fucking, she knows shit. But like, being rich is hard. I mean, that, actually cancel that. Cut that out. Cut that shit out. Cut it out. Don't make it the title. No, but being rich is like a whole situation.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  It's a world.

• 1:17:48Dax Shepard?

  Well, now you have something to lose. You also go like, oh shit, I have money. You're supposed to figure out how to make money with your money. Like you just have this whole new list of things you think you're doing wrong.

• 1:17:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, people start talking about landscaping and you've never thought about a flower in your life. It's crazy, but I do think, not to be all woo woo, but I never came into it for money. I'm like an athlete where I'm like, I want respect. I want people to look up to me. I want to inspire little girls.

• 1:18:12Dax Shepard?

  I want a statue in front of a tennis arena.

• 1:18:15Speaker 02

  I'm literally, I want my name on this bench. So then when I started doing better financially, my whole family thinks it's hilarious. My brother's like in finance and he's like, what are you up to? And I'm like, I don't know, dude. I'm just having fun.

• 1:18:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's working.

• 1:18:30Speaker 02

  It's so crazy that you could be creative and just like be yourself.

• 1:18:33Dax Shepard?

  Well, look, I did want money. I wanted money so fucking bad. And as an actor, I was impossible to deal with. And as a director and right, I just, please give me all the money. And then this, yeah, I didn't think you could make money at it. So that is the irony of it all.

• 1:18:48Speaker 02

  Which is kind of beautiful because I think if you're just out there for money, the universe doesn't respond to that well.

• 1:18:53Dax Shepard?

  And even if it can work for a minute, it has a shorter life. I've seen people succeed with the cash grab in this space. It just loses its momentum because once you have the money. Now what do we do it for?

• 1:19:05Speaker 02

  But then there's so many people where you're like, how much money do you need? Like people launching the craziest businesses, but I think it's like, they need to feel alive too. They're not dead after getting rich.

• 1:19:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Again, it's funny. I'm sure there's two or many categories of people, but there's like some people that are right. They just always want to be entrepreneurs and that's great.

• 1:19:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:25Dax Shepard?

  There's a whole other group that I'm sympathetic to, which is just like, you're aware of the fact you have this opportunity. And you see other people have taken that opportunity. They've turned it into things. It's just weird guilt. Am I supposed to be doing this or I should be doing this? So I think a lot of people get into things out of that weird motivation.

• 1:19:41Speaker 02

  Especially social media where people are like, I made a hundred grand yesterday at this website. And people are like, if that guy could do it and he lives at home with his mom, like I could do it. But a lot of it is so.

• 1:19:53Dax Shepard?

  No one really does it.

• 1:19:54Speaker 02

  Don't get me into life coaches.

• 1:19:55Dax Shepard?

  Even like I was watching that Manosphere documentary and I was like, guys, none of these guys have any money. Like everything's rented. Do you not fucking? Everything is. Yeah, they do not own a Lamborghini. Those are not their girlfriends.

• 1:20:08Speaker 02

  But they know how to sell something.

• 1:20:10Speaker 01

  They do. They sure do.

• 1:20:13Speaker 02

  Do you want to use your sales power in the right or the wrong way?

• 1:20:16Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:20:17Speaker 02

  Yep, yep.

• 1:20:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay. So I want to applaud you for We Ride at Dawn, cause you got your Netflix special.

• 1:20:23Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:20:24Dax Shepard?

  And it was hugely popular.

• 1:20:26Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:20:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's fucking awesome.

• 1:20:27Speaker 01

  Did that moment feel like, you're like, I did it.

• 1:20:30Speaker 02

  It was cool because I got a call and they were like, Netflix wants to do a special with you. And I was like, I did it. I did it. I tell my husband, Netflix wants to do a special with me. He looks me in the eye and he goes, no, you're touring for eight more months. This is your first special. Everyone's going to watch it. I don't care if they think you're ready. You're not.

• 1:20:49Dax Shepard?

  Nice.

• 1:20:50Speaker 02

  And I was like obsessed with my ice cream king. But like, thank God, because in my head, I'm like, they think I'm ready. I love my jokes. Let's go.

• 1:20:59Dax Shepard?

  They'll never call again. That's the other thing. You're like, if I don't take this now, they'll never call again.

• 1:21:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. Especially sometimes in comedy, like you're a little hot and you start getting too many opportunities that you're not prepared for. And I was green. I really was very early in. Stand up, but in stand up, I was doing an hour very early on. So I had a lot of stage time because I was selling tickets, but they always say you could sell tickets the first round, but they're not coming back if it's not good.

• 1:21:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:21:25Speaker 02

  But I'm telling you, like, I felt like a surfer that found the right wave. This is moving in the right direction. Like, I'm not getting yips. This is what tennis should have felt like. Then I shot the special, but I did have a mental break before the special. I was doing tapping.

• 1:21:40Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:21:40Speaker 02

  You know it starts when someone's like, have you tried tapping?

• 1:21:43Dax Shepard?

  What is tapping? Tell me about tapping.

• 1:21:45Speaker 02

  You haven't tapped?

• 1:21:45Dax Shepard?

  No, should I tap? Oh, mom, showing my age. What is tapping?

• 1:21:49Speaker 01

  It's like an OCD kind of, right?

• 1:21:51Speaker 02

  You say something that's making you uncomfortable, but then you tap to like relax the nervous system.

• 1:21:57Dax Shepard?

  Put yourself back in your body?

• 1:21:58Speaker 02

  Actually, I have no idea. I was in a dark place where like I would have shoved something at my asshole if they were like, take this ice, Charlie Sheen it and go on stage.

• 1:22:05Dax Shepard?

  Chuck Sheen this Cuba.

• 1:22:06Speaker 01

  It's like an anxiety thing.

• 1:22:08Speaker 02

  Yeah. Basically, before the special, I started getting those thoughts where I was like, what's the worst thing that can happen? What if I can't form sentences? And then I kind of got obsessed with like, how did I ever form a sentence? What is a sentence? You could overthink how to walk.

• 1:22:21Dax Shepard?

  Well, and Babers, AKA Polar, when you were on her show, she was saying very astutely, comedy is best when the person's relaxed. That's kind of the magic trick.

• 1:22:32Speaker 02

  And so is sports. You have to hold the racket lightly to play, like when you're punching someone.

• 1:22:37Dax Shepard?

  Racing, you hold the steering wheel very light.

• 1:22:39Speaker 02

  You lose control if you go too tight.

• 1:22:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. So how did you overcome that and end up fucking winning the match against Netflix?

• 1:22:46Speaker 02

  So two weeks beforehand, I remember starting like crying to my mom because she's like, this bitch is calling again. And I was like, I'm fucking terrified. And I remember my husband going, you should be. It's scary.

• 1:22:58Speaker 01

  It's a big deal. It's scary.

• 1:22:59Speaker 02

  It's scary. It's nerve wracking. You have a lot of pressure. People want you to fail. You can be human. He's like, I freak out before specials too. You're human. I got a beta blocker subscription.

• 1:23:08Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. Yeah.

• 1:23:08Speaker 02

  Which saved my fucking life. And I listened to like pumped up music. I'm familiar with that side of myself. That's like, you've gone crazy. You've gone to the deep end. I do think with stand up, what I like more than tennis is it's really hard to get in your head when you're talking. There's no room. We're tennis. It's fucking so loud.

• 1:23:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Watching this asshole dribble and do their OCD tics.

• 1:23:31Speaker 02

  Nadal's like picking his asshole. Everyone's tweaking, stimming. And with this, I think what happened is the shows before, I was really nervous and on stage I was like, pretend you're shooting the special, pretend you're shooting the special. I was being really overly hard on myself. So, leading up to it was a nightmare. And then the day of, I took the beta blocker, I was meditating with my mom before I went. I was literally like,

• 1:23:54Speaker 02

  and I walked on stage and I was calm.

• 1:23:56Dax Shepard?

  You're like, oh, I know how to do this.

• 1:23:57Speaker 02

  And then I walked off and everyone was like, you did it. And then I was like,

• 1:24:02Speaker 02

  so the second time around of shooting my special, I didn't have the same.

• 1:24:06Dax Shepard?

  Oh, lovely.

• 1:24:06Speaker 02

  It was almost like exposure therapy. But it is so funny how in your most vulnerable moments, your demons come back.

• 1:24:12Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 1:24:14Dax Shepard?

  The shadow is doing pushups in the background at all times. The shadow's like, oh, we're up.

• 1:24:19Speaker 02

  Also, not to sound like an old basketball coach from Brooklyn, but I love the quote that even when it's raining, the hoop is always there. So it's the idea that like, even when it looks like there's no opportunity and it's dark, like it's there, you just can't see it.

• 1:24:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like that.

• 1:24:33Speaker 02

  So I try to tell myself that.

• 1:24:36Dax Shepard?

  Very encouraging for it to come out and be number two right out of the gates.

• 1:24:39Speaker 02

  That was insane.

• 1:24:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, lets you know you're on the right path. Oh, I just have to say one thing. I did see, which I absolutely loved, to watch someone act out my nightmare. Cause even when we would do live shows 25 times in my head, I'd be like, we're in Minnesota backstage, we're in Minnesota. But Hannah had the moment where she was in Buffalo, New York. And she came out and she was like, what's up, Boston?

• 1:25:04Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my lord. The searing delight I got in my fucking core watching that. I was like, oh, she did it.

• 1:25:11Speaker 02

  I had that moment where like, I have two ways I could go about this. I could gaslight them, make them think that I didn't say that. And just keep going. They missed her. They made it up.

• 1:25:19Dax Shepard?

  She did say it, boss. No, she must have said Buffalo.

• 1:25:22Speaker 02

  But I'm like, my head was like hot, like, you know. And then I was like, or I address it. But then these places, Buffalo, Boston, you don't,

• 1:25:31Speaker 01

  no, that's bad.

• 1:25:33Dax Shepard?

  You want to do that in Minnesota?

• 1:25:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:25:36Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's okay.

• 1:25:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, we love you. We love beer.

• 1:25:39Dax Shepard?

  Easy mistake. Not really, but okay.

• 1:25:42Speaker 02

  This place, I started dying laughing. The thing is, the girls who listen to my pod and go to my comedy shows and the guys, they're so funny. We have this funny relationship where they make fun of me. So after the show, everyone's like, love your show in Boston. They're just like leaning into it. And then it kind of became a shtick.

• 1:25:56Dax Shepard?

  I wish you got really known for it. So every time you did it, you could do a more abstract funny. You wanted people to be looking forward to where you're gonna say like, I'm in, what's up Nairobi? You know, whatever it is.

• 1:26:06Speaker 02

  So my opener is now, because I kind of blackout when I'm on the God mic. Like when you're on stage, you're good, but God mic, you're kind of not focused. And they're always like, Nebraska? And this is the day. And they have to kind of tell you that. But it's happened to me multiple times. And I'm here to tell the tale.

• 1:26:21Dax Shepard?

  And why do you survive?

• 1:26:22Speaker 01

  Wait, so did you say like, sorry? Or were you like, I did it on purpose?

• 1:26:25Dax Shepard?

  She went straight into like celebrating the Buffalo Bills.

• 1:26:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, I go, go Bills!

• 1:26:31Dax Shepard?

  I'm shocked you didn't get the team wrong, by the way.

• 1:26:33Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:26:35Speaker 02

  Actually, in Texas once, Texas has so many fucking teams. And I, I accidentally said Texans instead of...

• 1:26:41Dax Shepard?

  Probably UT.

• 1:26:42Speaker 02

  The wrong place.

• 1:26:43Speaker 01

  Oh, boy.

• 1:26:43Speaker 02

  I thought I was gonna get stoned.

• 1:26:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:45Speaker 02

  And I was like, we were good for like 30 minutes. And this is where they turn. But that's the high of standup.

• 1:26:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:50Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so none of my business, Hulu, June 5th premieres. You shot it in Toronto?

• 1:26:58Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:26:59Dax Shepard?

  This feels like an interesting choice. Explain it to me.

• 1:27:01Speaker 02

  I had done a lot of shows in New York. My three like places I love filming is New York, Boston, Philly. People are loud. They're aggressive. They love chanting. They're smart.

• 1:27:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:12Speaker 02

  They've had a long week.

• 1:27:12Dax Shepard?

  They're the star of the show, even if they're in the audience, is what you're...

• 1:27:16Speaker 02

  Scary. I'm scared of them. They hold me hostage at the show. And they're just, their energy is like amazing. And also, it's convenient since I'm in New York. Toronto, weirdly, I have this incredible following. And I know people shoot stuff there. And I had done New York earlier in the tour, so I'm like, I can't do New York. So Toronto just came naturally. My mom's like, why did you pick Toronto in February? Why couldn't we do Miami?

• 1:27:41Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:27:42Speaker 02

  But I really liked this one theater.

• 1:27:44Dax Shepard?

  Which one?

• 1:27:45Speaker 02

  La Bluma Appel Theater. It's like 900 seater. It feels really intimate, even though it's a lot of people, it feels close. When you first do stand up, no one tells you. When you get a special, they go, where do you want to shoot it? And you're like, where do people shoot it? And they're like, wherever you want. And I'm like, I haven't been like, I don't know where I am right now.

• 1:28:02Dax Shepard?

  I thought I was in Boston last week.

• 1:28:04Speaker 02

  The second time around, I was like writing down theaters I liked.

• 1:28:07Dax Shepard?

  And some of them have really good vibes, too.

• 1:28:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, you really do need a good vibe and the filming, even though it doesn't always come across in the film as great of a show sometimes. Like, you can't tell if the audience was really good or really bad. And also stand ups, you don't really tell each other the spots. Stand ups are a little gatekeepy sometimes, like, they're not like, this is my director, like, we're kind of like entrepreneurial, where it's like, you can ask, but that's their business.

• 1:28:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:28:31Speaker 02

  So I did Bluma Appel, two shows.

• 1:28:33Dax Shepard?

  None of my business. One of my favorite, I got that saying from the program. I don't know if you heard your husband ever say that, but like what other people think is none of your business. At least I learned that there. Is that where it all stems from?

• 1:28:44Speaker 02

  I think it stemmed from that, but then it became kind of trendy, people being like, things that are none of my business. And I have a joke that looking in the mirror is none of my business. Like, I don't look in the mirror a lot. I don't fuck with the mirror.

• 1:28:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, I like that.

• 1:28:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what do you say? You go like, you want to look in the first thing?

• 1:28:59Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, have information you don't need about you.

• 1:29:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say over the course of my life, the amount of times I looked in the mirror and was pumped is like, it's certainly under 1%. I've never really looked in there like, let's do this, man.

• 1:29:12Speaker 02

  I always say I am delusional, like, I think I know what I look like, and it's the best photo I've ever taken. And when you walk into a room like that, even if you have fucking stuff in your teeth, it helps.

• 1:29:24Speaker 01

  Oh, confidence, everything.

• 1:29:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's everything. I gotta say, though, your hair looked fucking gorgeous in that special. How many hours went into that?

• 1:29:31Speaker 02

  That was fake.

• 1:29:32Dax Shepard?

  It was, okay, that helps.

• 1:29:33Speaker 02

  But also, you kind of come in with extensions and like, this guy was going in and at one point I was like, there's a dead animal on my head.

• 1:29:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's getting heavy.

• 1:29:40Speaker 02

  It was heavy. And also, when you're a comic, you're yourself, right? And I'm used to going on stage, you know, I'm in some city and I'm tired and I did makeup like five minutes before. So when I walked on, I was like, who am I right now? I was saying bits about like being part time hot and stuff and people like weren't laughing as much. I was like, oh, because I looked like a different person. I did four hours of makeup and people don't talk about how it's a different presentation when you look so different.

• 1:30:05Dax Shepard?

  Nikki's very great about this.

• 1:30:07Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:30:07Dax Shepard?

  She's like, you can catch me on one day and I look like this. And then her joke was, and then another day I'm Dax. She said, sometimes I'm Kristen Bell. Yeah, that was in one of her specials.

• 1:30:17Speaker 02

  No, it wasn't.

• 1:30:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. She goes, um, sometimes I'm looking, I'm like, this is working. I'm hot and you might go to bed with Kristen Bell, but you're gonna wake up with Dax.

• 1:30:25Speaker 02

  That is so funny.

• 1:30:26Dax Shepard?

  You don't remember? That was in the first interview. And she's like, I hope you got there. And I'm like, I did. You look like a dude. Not that I look like an ugly dude. Yeah.

• 1:30:34Speaker 02

  You're like, you're lucky you could look like me. Yeah. Strong.

• 1:30:37Dax Shepard?

  It's a good joke. Go to bed as Kristen Bell and wake up as Dax.

• 1:30:39Speaker 02

  So funny. So funny.

• 1:30:40Dax Shepard?

  So how do you decide what we're going to tackle next? Is it like writing songs? You're just like hoping things hit you?

• 1:30:47Speaker 02

  I do have to say, all I cared about was getting that first Netflix special. And then when I finished it, I was like, they need another? That's crazy. It took me six years. Like, you need another? And what's tough about stand up as opposed to like musicians that could play a great song all the time is it feels like winning the Super Bowl, doing your Netflix special, and then you go back to the club and it feels like you have to learn how to play football again.

• 1:31:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:31:10Speaker 02

  You can't

• 1:31:11Speaker 01

  Start all over.

• 1:31:12Speaker 02

  do your classics. It's burned. Like, it's like a stand up rule. So I'm literally going on stage like, cankles? Sorry. Like, I'm like, what is funny? But it helped me grow as a comic to realize, like, I wasn't just funny because I had these tested and true jokes from the first special. I was funny because I was being myself.

• 1:31:31Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:31:31Speaker 02

  And let's now grow in how I express myself.

• 1:31:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you have a lot of physicality and there's a lot of just you being fucking goofy as hell.

• 1:31:38Speaker 02

  Thank you. I think I'm goofier in this special, this one.

• 1:31:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:41Speaker 02

  I think it's a little more confidence, maybe?

• 1:31:43Dax Shepard?

  It's infectious. I guess that's the word.

• 1:31:44Speaker 02

  Like, when I'm on stage.

• 1:31:46Speaker 01

  That's great.

• 1:31:46Speaker 02

  Because no one could tell me to like, stop. I'm like, I got the microphone. I could do whatever I want.

• 1:31:51Dax Shepard?

  Now, are you more nervous because you do some crowd work in this as well? Are you more nervous to do crowd work when it's being filmed versus live? I feel like the stakes are higher.

• 1:31:59Speaker 02

  So this time around, I actually did. A lot less crowd work on tour. Like, I was like, I'm getting my hour. But some people would come to see the crowd work. So I have my moments. I do it. For this, what I did was I do my material and then I kind of just went off for like 20 minutes at the end doing crowd work. So like, in the 30 minutes, I will get a couple of beats. So, but I also was like, even if I have no crowd work, I know I have the special I'm proud of. So the crowd work to me was just kind of a cherry on top. But it is like a new thing that it's like, put it in if it's good in your special. I did keep, some girl messaged me saying, there's a bachelorette party here tonight, which I'm like, fuck. That's not what I need for my special. So I'm like, I'm gonna dress it in the beginning. So I'm like, hey, who has a bachelorette tonight?

• 1:32:42Speaker 02

  No one says anything. And I'm just like, uh, like so awkward. I'm like, you guys are leaving me for dead.

• 1:32:49Speaker 02

  And finally someone's like, woo. And I'm like, you Canadian ass polite, quiet bachelorette. Like, fuck you guys for embarrassing me.

• 1:32:56Dax Shepard?

  Sorry.

• 1:32:56Speaker 02

  Literally, sorry.

• 1:32:59Dax Shepard?

  Sorry.

• 1:33:00Speaker 02

  Sorry, I swear you're celebrating. And I'm like, well, tonight's about me, so shut the fuck up, Alexa. But I have a crowd work at the end. That's something I always do. So I ask guys, have they ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman?

• 1:33:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this was stressful when I was watching it. Cause I'm like, what would I say? It's an abstract question.

• 1:33:18Speaker 02

  Such a fucked up question.

• 1:33:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, so say it again. You ask dudes.

• 1:33:22Speaker 02

  Have you ever thought about what sex feels like for a woman? So they know immediately, there's a right and wrong answer. And they overthink it a lot. What would you say?

• 1:33:31Dax Shepard?

  I think I would say filled.

• 1:33:35Speaker 02

  So then you're saying, how does sex feel?

• 1:33:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:33:38Speaker 02

  Well, the first one is just, have you ever?

• 1:33:40Dax Shepard?

  Oh, have I thought? Oh, god, yeah, tons.

• 1:33:42Speaker 02

  A ton of men are just like, no. One guy said stabbing. And I was like, we gotta stop that. Everyone's upset. We gotta go home. Yeah, guys give the funniest answers. When I say what adjective, nice explain adjective is a describing word.

• 1:33:57Speaker 02

  Would you use for how it feels like? And they go white.

• 1:34:00Speaker 01

  Do you think they're afraid to answer?

• 1:34:02Speaker 02

  They don't want to say it wrong.

• 1:34:03Dax Shepard?

  They're in a crowd of 90 plus percent women.

• 1:34:06Speaker 02

  Girls like my crowd. Success for girls like boo. And the guys doesn't want to get stoned.

• 1:34:12Dax Shepard?

  This guy says warm is a.

• 1:34:14Speaker 02

  A guy said warm, which is my favorite answer.

• 1:34:16Dax Shepard?

  And sweet.

• 1:34:17Speaker 02

  Because it makes no fucking sense.

• 1:34:18Dax Shepard?

  No, no, no. Unless he mic waved his cock.

• 1:34:23Speaker 02

  I'm warm. You feel warm when you're in me.

• 1:34:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:26Speaker 02

  I've never been cold and been like, if only I had a dick in me, I'd be warm.

• 1:34:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:31Speaker 01

  Maybe he meant like warm fuzzies.

• 1:34:33Speaker 02

  Nope, he didn't. No, he panicked.

• 1:34:36Dax Shepard?

  Maybe his dick runs hot.

• 1:34:38Speaker 02

  Nope.

• 1:34:38Dax Shepard?

  You don't, we don't know.

• 1:34:40Speaker 02

  Get that checked. But all these boyfriends are coming to the show, which creates this great tension because they want to be made fun of. Like they'll sit in the front, some will DM me like, hey, my boyfriend's sitting next to me. His name's this, like go in on him.

• 1:34:51Dax Shepard?

  Go hard.

• 1:34:51Speaker 02

  Guys like it, but with that tension, I love trying to like, make us understand each other.

• 1:34:56Dax Shepard?

  Already filtered out a lot of dudes.

• 1:34:58Speaker 02

  No, single guys are coming to the show.

• 1:35:00Dax Shepard?

  No, single guys.

• 1:35:00Speaker 01

  Well, they should. Bunch of hot girls.

• 1:35:02Speaker 02

  If they were smart, they would. And I feel like the guys are liking it because they know that I'm not trying to make it for them. And then they're like, oh, that was actually really funny. It was like really fun time. Like I had these younger guys message me, they're like, we actually learned a lot about sex.

• 1:35:17Speaker 02

  They're like, that was birthing Kilt Tony. Like I really laughed a lot. And I was like, oh, I made it. I made it. But I'm of this opinion of like, there's like a divide between men and women right now. And I love trying to connect us and help us understand each other, but through the tension of comedy. And the guys asking them these questions is so fucking funny. I know there's been fights going home in the car with some couples, but like, I hope they grew from it.

• 1:35:39Dax Shepard?

  There always are. A good comedy show always.

• 1:35:41Speaker 02

  A little post reflection.

• 1:35:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, there's been some Chris Rock ones where you're like, oh, everyone's fucked. Everyone here, like when he's talking about cheating on his wife and he's like, when I tell women, they're like, I cannot believe you did that. When I tell men and they're like, oh my God, only two, you must really love her.

• 1:35:59Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 1:36:00Dax Shepard?

  What is that car ride home going to be like when he lays that joke out? I mean, whoa.

• 1:36:05Speaker 02

  But I do, I do like to kind of be that female locker room talk to make girls feel less embarrassed about things going on, but then also like guys in on like, you know, this actually is how we're feeling.

• 1:36:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:16Speaker 02

  Just changing the world.

• 1:36:17Dax Shepard?

  And then the last thing we have to talk about is you're about to do a scripted show on Netflix with Polar and Kay Cannon, who I love Kay to death.

• 1:36:25Speaker 02

  It's in the very early stages.

• 1:36:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:36:27Speaker 02

  Again, I don't like being put in a box. Amy loves Giggly Squad. I can't even wrap my head around it.

• 1:36:32Dax Shepard?

  We can share the elation one feels when Polar likes your show. There's nothing quite like it.

• 1:36:37Speaker 02

  I heart Amy Poehler. I'm like, okay, like, stop complimenting me. Do you have any advice for going from stand up to scripted?

• 1:36:44Dax Shepard?

  I've gotten to see you now in the stand up special, in interviews. There's a version of you right now that is absolutely my favorite.

• 1:36:54Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 1:36:54Dax Shepard?

  You're chameleon like.

• 1:36:56Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:36:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, in this beautiful way. You've got a lot of different facets, but this version of you is what I want to see in a scripted show. There's nothing protective about this and I want to watch this for hours.

• 1:37:09Speaker 02

  No, I'm gonna cry.

• 1:37:10Speaker 01

  Oh, do it. We love tears.

• 1:37:12Speaker 02

  Now we're all gonna cry.

• 1:37:13Dax Shepard?

  You did a great job. You won the match. I'm proud of you.

• 1:37:20Speaker 02

  He's like checkmark. You get a gold star.

• 1:37:22Dax Shepard?

  But let's just shout out Kay Cannon is the fucking greatest.

• 1:37:25Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, Kay, I think she actually like was into Bravo. That's what everything I've done kind of comes full circle. Kay is such a powerhouse. So I'm taking this as like, I'm gonna learn a lot from these like incredible women that have done this before me and try to add my own spin to it. I feel like I'm about to enter a really, really tough college class.

• 1:37:43Speaker 01

  With the best professors ever.

• 1:37:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I'm just trying to be a sponge to learn from them.

• 1:37:48Speaker 01

  How fun.

• 1:37:49Dax Shepard?

  I'm delighted that that's your steward.

• 1:37:52Speaker 01

  To be anointed by those two is meaningful.

• 1:37:55Speaker 02

  I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but I just booked my first small role in a movie and I've been auditioning for like two years and like nothing. Like my husband would make fun of me all the time. I'm like, I still could get it. And he's like, it's been four years. I'm like, they go through a lot of people.

• 1:38:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's on VOD already.

• 1:38:10Speaker 02

  It's not easy. So I've been like doing my auditions and stuff and I finally booked something and I was like, holy fuck.

• 1:38:15Dax Shepard?

  And what do you think you figured out from that?

• 1:38:18Speaker 02

  I didn't try that hard in the audition. It's always the one that you're like, oh, fucking.

• 1:38:22Dax Shepard?

  Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

• 1:38:23Speaker 01

  Always.

• 1:38:24Speaker 02

  I know, fucking.

• 1:38:25Dax Shepard?

  That's the trick you have to constantly get to is like.

• 1:38:27Speaker 02

  I was like, I'm never gonna get this before. I was like, this is for me.

• 1:38:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. This is mine to lose.

• 1:38:33Speaker 02

  You're welcome. I'm here. Yeah, this is literally mine to lose.

• 1:38:36Dax Shepard?

  Oh, forty-three-year-old Jewish karate expert? Fuck. Well, they've been watching me.

• 1:38:45Speaker 02

  It's a whole new thing and I might not like it, but I'm delving into.

• 1:38:49Dax Shepard?

  Well, look, we have four fallback jobs, so you'll be fine. You also just need to remember that.

• 1:38:55Speaker 01

  Coach. I want to take lessons. Maybe you can teach me.

• 1:38:58Speaker 02

  I would love.

• 1:38:58Speaker 01

  And I want you to be really hard on me.

• 1:39:01Dax Shepard?

  I want you to hurt me.

• 1:39:02Speaker 02

  So mean to me. Did you play any sports?

• 1:39:04Speaker 01

  I was a cheerleader. I was a competition cheerleader.

• 1:39:06Dax Shepard?

  State champion two years in a row.

• 1:39:07Speaker 02

  Wait, that's fucked up. Girls are getting thrown.

• 1:39:10Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, you're getting thrown. You're doing flips.

• 1:39:12Dax Shepard?

  She was getting caught by her pussy. She fell on her head.

• 1:39:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I fell on my head. I got tossed. Well, you know, I am pretty into the CTE world. I don't think I have it, but I can't rule it out.

• 1:39:23Dax Shepard?

  She has some CTE jokes in her special and I thought of you.

• 1:39:26Speaker 01

  I'm obsessed with CTE.

• 1:39:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, she loves it.

• 1:39:28Speaker 01

  I think most of us have it.

• 1:39:29Speaker 02

  I dated a football player in college and I did CTE charity for free.

• 1:39:34Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:39:35Speaker 02

  The thing is they make you feel so tiny because you know, I have big calves. I can't be with one of these like poets.

• 1:39:40Dax Shepard?

  Would this guy pick you up and stuff?

• 1:39:41Speaker 02

  In the special, I joke that like most guys to pick me up, like they can, like I'm five seven, not like massive, but they have to do a whole breath thing like.

• 1:39:48Dax Shepard?

  You were demonstrating to lift with your legs. He could lift with his back.

• 1:39:52Speaker 02

  I'm bottom heavy. So, yeah, he could throw his back and then this guy was chucking me over his back.

• 1:39:57Speaker 01

  Oh, that's fun.

• 1:39:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, treating you like nunchucks.

• 1:39:59Speaker 02

  I was a fucking feather. I was a little feather in the breeze. I felt so dainty. Yeah.

• 1:40:03Speaker 01

  You know, there are trade-offs for these things.

• 1:40:05Speaker 02

  I was so tiny. Brain damage. But no, definitely. We didn't even got to figure CTE out for sure.

• 1:40:10Speaker 01

  Okay, well, maybe we could pair up on this. I didn't know. I didn't know you were so into it. I think we could start some.

• 1:40:15Dax Shepard?

  Monica's passionate about it.

• 1:40:16Speaker 01

  I do bring it up a lot.

• 1:40:17Speaker 02

  It's out here. I know who's talking about it.

• 1:40:19Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:40:20Dax Shepard?

  Several guests out where she's like, do you think you have CTE? I'm like, Monica, that is not a question.

• 1:40:24Speaker 02

  She's taking notes.

• 1:40:26Speaker 01

  So I'm just curious. So.

• 1:40:28Dax Shepard?

  Have you been tested for HIV? I mean, that's as bad as saying that.

• 1:40:32Speaker 01

  I also am kind of obsessed with AIDS.

• 1:40:33Dax Shepard?

  There's medication for a fucking.

• 1:40:35Speaker 02

  This does feel like a doctor slash interview where you're like, there's a gap. Were you just doing cocaine for two years?

• 1:40:41Speaker 01

  I did call my friend recently and I was like. So just have you been tested recently for AIDS? Cause he had hiccups and on ER.

• 1:40:48Speaker 02

  But everyone needs that, friends. Keep them on their toes.

• 1:40:50Speaker 01

  Exactly. He was like, I haven't had sex in a year. And I was like, but you can get it other ways.

• 1:40:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:40:56Speaker 01

  There's other ways.

• 1:40:56Dax Shepard?

  What other ways? Intervening drug use?

• 1:40:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, stepping on needles.

• 1:41:01Speaker 02

  People wear flip flops.

• 1:41:02Speaker 01

  That's right. And he wears flip flops. And sometimes you check your.

• 1:41:05Dax Shepard?

  The date on how many HIV positive folks stepped on needles.

• 1:41:09Speaker 01

  Have you ever sat in a movie theater seat and got stabbed by a needle? They tell you to look at the movie theater seat before you sit down.

• 1:41:14Speaker 02

  There's definitely a subway that does happen.

• 1:41:16Speaker 01

  Exactly. Thank you.

• 1:41:17Dax Shepard?

  That's all I'm saying. Please find the person for me. I'd love to interview them. Hannah, this has been delightful from the bottom of my heart. You're such a delightful guest.

• 1:41:26Speaker 02

  You guys are incredible. Thank you for inspiring me to podcast. And this is just an honor to be on here.

• 1:41:32Speaker 01

  We're so happy to have you.

• 1:41:33Dax Shepard?

  Everyone, watch None of My Business on June 5th on Hulu or Disney Plus. If you've coupled it or whatever they call it.

• 1:41:42Speaker 01

  Just find it.

• 1:41:43Dax Shepard?

  Bundled it.

• 1:41:43Speaker 01

  Bundle.

• 1:41:44Dax Shepard?

  If you've bundled it.

• 1:41:44Speaker 02

  And steal your.

• 1:41:45Dax Shepard?

  Go to Disney app. That's what I have to do.

• 1:41:46Speaker 02

  Ex boyfriend's password if you have to.

• 1:41:48Dax Shepard?

  And then keep your eyes peeled for the Netflix scripted show. Monica will be on it.

• 1:41:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'll be on it.

• 1:41:54Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:41:55Dax Shepard?

  Maybe a CTE episode.

• 1:41:57Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

• 1:42:01Dax Shepard?

  Shit's just fucking children's itself.

• 1:42:03Speaker 01

  Your whole world comes together.

• 1:42:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, makes sense.

• 1:42:05Speaker 01

  It starts making sense.

• 1:42:06Speaker 02

  That's our main storyline, actually.

• 1:42:08Speaker 01

  Oh, shit.

• 1:42:09Dax Shepard?

  Sounds funny. All right. Love you guys.

• 1:42:12Speaker 01

  Bye.

• 1:42:15Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong.

• 1:42:22Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm not wearing, I'm wearing a merch shirt.

• 1:42:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, we're both wearing merch.

• 1:42:26Dax Shepard?

  Cause we have new merch coming.

• 1:42:28Speaker 01

  We have new merch.

• 1:42:28Dax Shepard?

  Not now, but coming.

• 1:42:29Speaker 01

  Coming like next week. So go ahead and put it on your calendar. We have new merch dropping and it's all very cool. There's a limited edition sweat, not this one, but there is a limited edition sweatshirt that is.

• 1:42:41Dax Shepard?

  It says limited edition.

• 1:42:43Speaker 01

  It doesn't.

• 1:42:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:42:44Speaker 01

  And it is what it claims to be.

• 1:42:46Dax Shepard?

  It's true to its name.

• 1:42:47Speaker 01

  Yes. And it is so cute, but all of it's so cute. And I feel like it's very chic. It's simple. It's wearable.

• 1:42:55Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 1:42:55Speaker 01

  And I'm very happy with it. Very happy with this new collection.

• 1:42:59Dax Shepard?

  You worked very hard on it and I appreciate it and so does Rob. Yes. You didn't tell me that, but I know it. June fifteenth. June fifteenth.

• 1:43:08Speaker 01

  So that is a week from today.

• 1:43:13Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:43:13Speaker 01

  Put it in your cow, guys.

• 1:43:15Dax Shepard?

  Set an alarm.

• 1:43:16Speaker 01

  Do it.

• 1:43:16Dax Shepard?

  Set the loudest alarm you have. I did have to take off the shirt I was wearing. Which was gonna be a conversation starter for us.

• 1:43:25Dax Shepard?

  You already saw it in the interview.

• 1:43:26Speaker 01

  You can tell people what it said.

• 1:43:28Dax Shepard?

  I've only had oatmeal today.

• 1:43:30Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:43:31Dax Shepard?

  Which apparently is my saying.

• 1:43:33Speaker 01

  Apparently.

• 1:43:33Dax Shepard?

  In our family lexicon, they, that is what the family says I say.

• 1:43:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:43:39Dax Shepard?

  Five days a week. And I'm inclined to believe them.

• 1:43:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:43:43Dax Shepard?

  And so now I have a T-shirt that says it.

• 1:43:46Speaker 01

  I know. And Kristen got a shirt that says her saying.

• 1:43:49Dax Shepard?

  Her saying is, is any, does anyone wanna go to bed early tonight?

• 1:43:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:43:53Dax Shepard?

  She announces that every single night at 5:00 PM. Do you wanna hear a story?

• 1:43:57Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:43:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so we went to Nashville.

• 1:44:00Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:44:02Dax Shepard?

  And Lincoln and I went on the 6:00 AM flight.

• 1:44:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:07Dax Shepard?

  Crack ass a dawn.

• 1:44:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:08Dax Shepard?

  I was very happy she was willing to do this. We had to leave the house at like four in the morning.

• 1:44:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:14Dax Shepard?

  And she's 13. I wasn't trying to get up at four in the morning when I was 13. And she could've gone at night with Delta and Lincoln, or Delta and Kristen. And she came with me, which was really great. And we had a really busy day. We landed and we immediately went and got the boat. She helped me put the boat in the water. Then she's like, let's go to, let's go get something to eat at Sam's on the lake. And I was like, oh, it's my dream. It's my favorite restaurant on the lake. We go there.

• 1:44:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:44:41Dax Shepard?

  Docking the boat, dock it, get out, go to put the rope around the cleat. And you already know this about me, but for the folks that don't know, I have two pair of reading glasses. And I refuse to take them out of where I use them. I, one stays in here, cuz I have to read in here, and then one stays in my nightstand.

• 1:45:02Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:45:03Dax Shepard?

  And they never leave, other than if I travel, I bring the one pair down.

• 1:45:06Speaker 01

  What if you need it upstairs?

• 1:45:08Dax Shepard?

  I'll come grab them from here, but I'll return them from here.

• 1:45:11Speaker 01

  So, okay.

• 1:45:12Dax Shepard?

  And the point is, I will not bring them to a restaurant where I need them the most. I cannot read any menus anymore. I'm the guy in the restaurant that has the bright light on a menu so I can see it. And to the point where Dels is like, why don't you bring your glasses? And I'm like, I'm, I'm too afraid to lose them. She's like, why don't you get a cheap pair?

• 1:45:31Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:45:32Dax Shepard?

  Which is a great solution. Anyways, I broke this rule. I was like, I'm gonna bring my glasses to the restaurant and I'll be able to read the menu.

• 1:45:40Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:45:40Dax Shepard?

  And they were in my shirt collar. And when I bent over to put the rope on the cleat, they immediately just fell off of my shirt collar into the water.

• 1:45:51Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:45:51Dax Shepard?

  Uh, and I just watched them sink to the bottom of this very murky area where people park boats next to a restaurant on a lake.

• 1:46:00Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:46:01Dax Shepard?

  But I get to a point where I have let it go.

• 1:46:04Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:46:05Dax Shepard?

  By the end of the night, I've let it go. We have a wonderful time. We have a very fun lunch on the floating dock.

• 1:46:10Speaker 01

  And also were you like, I'm, I, I mean, I'm the smartest. I just knew. I knew I wasn't supposed to bring these. I'm validated. Everyone sucks.

• 1:46:18Dax Shepard?

  I didn't feel vindicated or validated. I just went to straight like, god damn it. Those were expensive. I love them. I knew I shouldn't have taken them out.

• 1:46:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:46:26Dax Shepard?

  I was just in trouble, not like I was right.

• 1:46:28Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:46:29Dax Shepard?

  I come up with a plan. That's what it is.

• 1:46:31Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:46:31Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna get, she, Lincoln says it. Why don't you get one of those fishing magnets? I go, what the hell's a fishing magnet? She's, you never seen these fishing magnets? So people use these magnets at the bottom of lakes and oceans and they pick their metal. They pick up metal.

• 1:46:45Speaker 01

  Okay. So you hadn't given up on them?

• 1:46:47Dax Shepard?

  No, we're still like, how do we get them back loosely? And she's like, you should get this magnet thing. So I order it that day, maybe even at, at the dinner.

• 1:46:55Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:46:56Dax Shepard?

  It arrives that following day and I'm like, well, before we drive out there, I have the same frames in sunglasses. Let's see if they even are magnetic or would be picked up by a magnet.

• 1:47:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:47:12Dax Shepard?

  Test it. No.

• 1:47:13Speaker 01

  Oh, ouch.

• 1:47:15Dax Shepard?

  So I'm like, ugh.

• 1:47:16Speaker 01

  And now you bought this thing.

• 1:47:17Dax Shepard?

  But this thing also came with this weird hook that you dragged. It looks a little bit like the hook in the machine you dropped down to win a stuffed animal.

• 1:47:24Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:47:24Dax Shepard?

  So it's got that. So Lincoln is like, we'll go back and we'll use the hook and we'll drag it along the bottom.

• 1:47:30Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:47:31Dax Shepard?

  I'm like, that's not gonna work.

• 1:47:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:47:34Dax Shepard?

  But I recognize how sweet it is that she really wants to get my glasses back. So all four of us drive up, not on the boat, but in the car. We go, we had filmed where it happened. So we know exactly where they went in. And we start doing the hook thing. We're doing that for probably 10 minutes. No luck, of course. And Delta goes, I'm going in.

• 1:47:56Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:47:57Dax Shepard?

  And I go, what do you mean? She goes, I brought my bathing suit. I said to myself, my dad does so many nice things for me. If I'm not willing to get in there and find those glasses, what am I doing? And I go, hold on, you brought your bathing suit in anticipation that you might have to get in and try to find them? She's like, yes. Monica, this water could not be murkier.

• 1:48:18Speaker 01

  I don't want her to go in there.

• 1:48:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's like, it's about, it was probably two and a half, three feet deep next to the dock. And it is murky as it gets. And boats are coming in and out and it's getting churned up and fuck knows what's on the bottom of this.

• 1:48:30Speaker 01

  Exactly, bacterias too.

• 1:48:31Dax Shepard?

  She got in there in her bathing suit and she was using her feet to feel around this whole area. God knows also where they floated to.

• 1:48:41Speaker 01

  What if there's knives down there?

• 1:48:42Dax Shepard?

  That was a concern of mine, but I was so moved by this little girl. And people would walk by and Delta's just like up to her shoulders with her, trying to find my glasses with her feet. It is suggested that if we had a snorkeling mask, we could probably.

• 1:48:56Speaker 01

  No one's face should go fucking down there.

• 1:48:59Dax Shepard?

  Swim in the lake, so I wasn't terrified about that. So Kristen is deployed to go to the gas station dock, uh, you know, 200 yards away to see if they have snorkeling masks. She thinks she's seen that in there. I'm like, they don't have that in there, whatever. She's on her walk back. I see she's not holding a snorkeling mask. I go, no snorkeling mask? She goes, the diver will be here in 30 minutes.

• 1:49:24Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:49:25Dax Shepard?

  What? She goes, yeah, I was in there trying to buy a mask. And the guy that worked there said, you know, there's a diver that works on the lake. That's all he does is he gets shit out.

• 1:49:34Speaker 01

  Oh, that's his job.

• 1:49:35Dax Shepard?

  It's 150 bucks. The glasses were more than that.

• 1:49:39Speaker 01

  Oh, okay.

• 1:49:40Dax Shepard?

  So we wait a half hour. This dude rolls up in a pickup truck. He gets out, he drops the bed of his truck. He's got his snorkel equipment. He's just in board shorts, older dude, and little chit chat with him. He was lovely. He hops in, Monica, he hopped in, and then he hopped out. And I was like, oh, something's wrong with his regulator or something. He's holding them. He's fucking holding them. Wow. The celebration we had, we'd been there at that point for over an hour trying to get these glasses. I had written them off. He went down and he came right up and fucking had them. Then he, then we got to talking to him about that job. What stuff does he get called in?

• 1:50:19Speaker 01

  What has he found?

• 1:50:20Dax Shepard?

  Bridge. Someone lost their bridge. Not to be confused with a car bridge, their teeth.

• 1:50:25Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:50:26Dax Shepard?

  That front rack of teeth people get called a bridge. Said some dude's bridge fell out while he was swimming. He's like, I'm never gonna be able to find these teeth. He said he went down and it's just like dark bottom. He's just smiling teeth looking at him.

• 1:50:41Speaker 01

  God, how clean, like how clean?

• 1:50:46Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he said he put the teeth immediately in his mouth. Yep. He said he took them out of his hand and popped them in his mouth.

• 1:50:53Speaker 01

  That is so disgusting.

• 1:50:55Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's rural living, my friend.

• 1:50:57Speaker 01

  That is so disgusting. He got a parasite. And if he calls into Armchair Anonymous, I won't have compassion.

• 1:51:04Dax Shepard?

  You're not gonna. Okay. Um, he won't look for rings. He's like, it's a lost cause.

• 1:51:09Speaker 01

  Of all of the things, that's the thing.

• 1:51:11Dax Shepard?

  These are too tiny. It goes into the sill. There's just no way you're gonna find it.

• 1:51:15Speaker 01

  He's not that committed.

• 1:51:18Dax Shepard?

  No, I think he's learned the hard way. You don't ever.

• 1:51:21Speaker 01

  He's getting paid. He should look. What if it's right there?

• 1:51:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. In his experience, you can't really find a ring.

• 1:51:29Speaker 01

  Okay, well, let me challenge that. One time I was at the beach with Anthony and Allison and some other people and. Anthony dropped his wedding ring in the sand. This is death, you know, you're not finding it, but we were like, we're gonna find it. We found it.

• 1:51:50Dax Shepard?

  But did he ever leave the area he was standing when it fell off? Does he know exactly, he must have, where exactly where it fell off? So you at least had like a perimeter.

• 1:51:59Speaker 01

  Sitting, we were all sitting and hanging. So it was like, okay, it's like ground here.

• 1:52:04Dax Shepard?

  How long did it take to find it?

• 1:52:05Speaker 01

  I for, I don't, I don't remember how long it took, but like, and you know, the thing when you're like scooping up the sand, but then it's going deeper.

• 1:52:12Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 1:52:13Speaker 01

  It's going deeper, but it was found. So miracles can happen.

• 1:52:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. People do find rings, but this guy has learned that he's gonna be out there for two hours and he's not gonna get the ring. And the people are gonna want him to keep looking and he already charged, you know, you're not hiring him for the full day for one fifty.

• 1:52:30Speaker 01

  Limit for one fifty, but he should still do it. Cause if he finds someone's wedding ring, engagement ring, like that's huge. Yeah, the amount of joy.

• 1:52:40Dax Shepard?

  I was pretty pumped about my ring glasses.

• 1:52:42Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:52:44Dax Shepard?

  I don't have wedding rings, so I don't, I can't.

• 1:52:45Speaker 01

  So how'd you clean it? Or did you put it right back on your face?

• 1:52:48Dax Shepard?

  I put it in my mouth.

• 1:52:49Speaker 01

  Good.

• 1:52:49Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna clean these off with my mouth.

• 1:52:51Speaker 01

  Oh my God.

• 1:52:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I did. I did clean them when I got home. There's a little scratch, but I can't see it when I got the glasses on. So I'm delighted. I, I had written them off, like the whole trip there, I was just being a, a good team player. I was like, my children want to help their dad, so I'm gonna go and, and allow that. And um, no hope of getting the glasses. So when he popped back out with my glasses, it was like Christmas.

• 1:53:17Speaker 01

  That's exciting.

• 1:53:18Dax Shepard?

  It was very exciting.

• 1:53:19Speaker 01

  Now, what have we learned from this? That you're gonna get some cheap ones to kind of move around the world in? I think you should.

• 1:53:26Dax Shepard?

  I think I should too. I just, I'm trying to imagine when I'm gonna do that.

• 1:53:30Speaker 01

  Dax, I need you to just for one second, imagine this was. Reversed. And I told you this story.

• 1:53:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:39Speaker 01

  I know you'd be like, okay, so there's a, there's a really good solution that you're just not doing.

• 1:53:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. You know what I would do? I'd go, what's your prescription?

• 1:53:50Speaker 01

  No, you would not.

• 1:53:51Dax Shepard?

  And I'd stop at the drugstore and buy you readers. And I'd come in one day and I go, here's your readers.

• 1:53:55Speaker 01

  That's a lie. You wouldn't do that. You'd be like, you know what? If you can't help yourself with this just very basic solution, you don't deserve it. That's what you would say to me with your mind.

• 1:54:05Dax Shepard?

  All right.

• 1:54:06Speaker 01

  And sometimes with your mouth.

• 1:54:07Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:54:08Speaker 01

  So I want you to just order eight, eight glasses that are cheap.

• 1:54:14Dax Shepard?

  I guess I could order them. I so associate readers with the drugstore because that's where I, I do have a couple of cheap sets of readers, but they don't work, obviously, as well as my.

• 1:54:25Speaker 01

  I mean, they won't work as well, but that's not for your major.

• 1:54:28Dax Shepard?

  Just for dinner. You're right.

• 1:54:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. So just get eight to 10 pairs.

• 1:54:32Dax Shepard?

  I should leave a bunch on the boat. Yeah. Everywhere. Look, there's just cheap glasses. Every restaurant you go to frequently? Oh, yeah. Mail it to them. Ask them, is there a place I can keep these?

• 1:54:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54:42Dax Shepard?

  By the way, restaurants should have.

• 1:54:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:54:45Dax Shepard?

  Four or five different prescription readers. And then when they see a guy like me pull out his flashlight, they just swing by and they're like, well, you plus four. I don't even know what, how it works, but plus one oh five.

• 1:54:56Speaker 01

  I just, I think liability wise, because of eye sicknesses, pink eye.

• 1:55:01Dax Shepard?

  You think that's what's preventing them? I just think they haven't had the idea. But that would be, that'd be that little touch.

• 1:55:08Speaker 01

  That would be cool.

• 1:55:08Dax Shepard?

  That's what Noma would have.

• 1:55:10Speaker 01

  Oh, you mean Nobu?

• 1:55:12Dax Shepard?

  No, Noma.

• 1:55:14Speaker 01

  Noma.

• 1:55:15Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 1:55:16Speaker 01

  You just learned about Noma.

• 1:55:18Dax Shepard?

  No, I knew about Noma.

• 1:55:19Speaker 01

  You did?

• 1:55:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, friends were going there. When we were in Norway, or no, when we were in Denmark, friends were like, oh, we're gonna be in Denmark. And they were going just for that restaurant.

• 1:55:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a whole thing.

• 1:55:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:32Speaker 01

  Okay, I have an update.

• 1:55:33Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:55:34Speaker 01

  Um, I think some people have seen this, but if you haven't. If you listen to the Luke Malone Elizabeth Letourneau fact check, that's the one where I told a harrowing story about me almost pooping in my car. And I had left a friend's house where I was playing mahjong. And.

• 1:55:55Dax Shepard?

  We debriefed.

• 1:55:56Speaker 01

  We debriefed and I told the story. The people whose house I was at didn't know about the story. And I didn't say who they were on the fact check, but I did think, God, it might get back to them, but you know.

• 1:56:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:10Speaker 01

  And so the other day, I get a, I get a call.

• 1:56:15Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:56:16Speaker 01

  Okay. And we're recording and I see that this person's calling me and I get kind of nervous. You know, anytime someone who doesn't normally call you, calls you, it's a little nerve wracking. But then he left me a voicemail.

• 1:56:30Speaker 05

  Hey, Monica, it's Andy. I was just thinking about you and I know this is kind of random, but I just had this thought. Like, if you're ever in our house and you need to use the primary bathroom, you can definitely do that. We would be more than honored for you to use that restroom. And we know it can be a little awkward in our house, sort of like if you need a little extra privacy or something.

• 1:56:51Speaker 06

  Cause there are two doors to the primary. You can close the bedroom door and then you can close the bathroom door.

• 1:56:57Speaker 05

  Gives you more privacy.

• 1:56:58Speaker 06

  That's a better one. Cause the other one, also there's the new wallpaper, which we wouldn't want to have exposed to anything. But you are welcome, welcome with open arms to use that bathroom anytime you need.

• 1:57:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, alright.

• 1:57:12Speaker 01

  Well, so that was very funny.

• 1:57:15Dax Shepard?

  I saw a text.

• 1:57:17Speaker 01

  It was this voicemail. It's just, it was written out.

• 1:57:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, and then you wrote, I don't know what you're talking about. That's very funny, your response.

• 1:57:24Speaker 01

  Oh, then yes, I responded. I said, I said, what did I say?

• 1:57:29Dax Shepard?

  I want to hear that part.

• 1:57:30Speaker 01

  Okay, so I listened to the voicemail and then he later was like, did you get my voicemail?

• 1:57:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:57:37Speaker 01

  And I said, wow, what a random thing to tell me. It's appreciated, but I have no idea why you would possibly tell me that. I don't ever need to go to the bathroom and if I do, I prefer to use my car, but thanks.

• 1:57:50Dax Shepard?

  I prefer to use my car.

• 1:57:54Speaker 01

  Okay, so that, you know.

• 1:57:57Dax Shepard?

  That's great.

• 1:57:59Speaker 01

  That gave me permission.

• 1:58:01Dax Shepard?

  This isn't an I told you so, but I'm just saying that's, that was my prediction that they'd feel so honored to have you go extra hard in there.

• 1:58:09Speaker 01

  I know. I mean, I knew that they would be fine with it, but I'm still not fine with it.

• 1:58:15Dax Shepard?

  You're not fine.

• 1:58:15Speaker 01

  And you know, Jess is really struggling with this story. He like really is actually like, I can't believe that you wouldn't just go in that house.

• 1:58:28Dax Shepard?

  I'm sure he's in the same zone I get, where I actually get a little angry at you about the farting. It's just like, I don't like the idea of you being miserably uncomfortable because of your shyness or your fear people are gonna judge you or exclude you. I don't like that thought for you.

• 1:58:46Speaker 01

  I know. Well, let me tell you, those are different because I never need to fart and I'm not farting. I don't. I promise.

• 1:58:56Dax Shepard?

  Monica.

• 1:58:57Speaker 01

  Dax, this isn't that scenario.

• 1:59:00Dax Shepard?

  Okay, but now, hold on.

• 1:59:02Speaker 01

  Hey.

• 1:59:02Dax Shepard?

  This is where we're jabbing the beehive.

• 1:59:06Speaker 01

  All right.

• 1:59:07Dax Shepard?

  Previous position and our previous arguments always centered around the fact that, no, you do have to fart as much as me, but I am a boy who is arrogant and I just think I'm entitled to fart. And I've suggested that there must be something biologically different about you and I. Because I have to fart all the time and the notion I could not fart during the day is insane to me. But you're telling me you are not at all resisting the urge to fart.

• 1:59:34Speaker 01

  I'm not, but I think that's learned body behavior. Like, because, because I didn't, I just don't. I don't, out of respect, or I didn't out of respect for so long, like, I don't have to.

• 1:59:47Dax Shepard?

  I just think you don't have to, and then you're giving yourself the compliment that you're respectful, but you're not even fighting the urge.

• 1:59:54Speaker 01

  Well, now I don't know what position to take.

• 1:59:57Dax Shepard?

  That's right. You've really, you've painted yourself into a bit of a corner on this.

• 2:00:01Speaker 01

  I don't, I'm not gassy.

• 2:00:03Dax Shepard?

  There we go.

• 2:00:03Speaker 01

  I'm not.

• 2:00:04Dax Shepard?

  That's great.

• 2:00:05Speaker 01

  But I think even, even if I was.

• 2:00:08Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:08Speaker 01

  I mean, I guess, look, in my life, have there been times where I'm like, oh, like. Okay, like I kinda need, I gotta hold it.

• 2:00:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:00:16Speaker 01

  Um.

• 2:00:16Dax Shepard?

  It's a funny thought, holding a fart.

• 2:00:18Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:00:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, as if you could grab it.

• 2:00:20Speaker 01

  Hold it in. I mean, I, but yeah, I would. I'd hold it in.

• 2:00:23Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 2:00:24Speaker 01

  I wouldn't just let it out.

• 2:00:25Dax Shepard?

  Right. But if you had sixty-three of those urges in a day.

• 2:00:29Speaker 01

  We gotta get on some.

• 2:00:30Dax Shepard?

  You might, you might go, I can't. What am I talking about? I can't go through life like this.

• 2:00:36Speaker 01

  Well, this is interesting, because when I was telling the, you know, I was telling the Elizabeth and Andy story to Anthony and Allison, my other two friends that I was playing Mahjong with, because also I wanted, I was like, if you guys heard that story, just, it's not your house.

• 2:00:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 2:00:47Speaker 01

  You know, I needed to tell them.

• 2:00:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, sure.

• 2:00:49Speaker 01

  Um, and so then we got on this conversation about farts and like, I, okay, you know how you can like, control the sound by kind of like pulling your butt cheek?

• 2:01:03Dax Shepard?

  Apart?

• 2:01:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:01:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, spread, hyper extending your butt cheeks?

• 2:01:06Speaker 01

  Like, you can pull it apart and create more.

• 2:01:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:10Speaker 01

  Of an airway.

• 2:01:11Dax Shepard?

  Well, less resistance for the air to make noise against.

• 2:01:14Speaker 01

  Right. So it's just coming straight out. It does make a sound if you do that.

• 2:01:18Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 2:01:19Speaker 01

  Um, but I.

• 2:01:20Dax Shepard?

  Have you done that? I can't imagine why you would need to do that.

• 2:01:24Speaker 01

  Done it. I have done that.

• 2:01:25Dax Shepard?

  You've done that.

• 2:01:26Speaker 01

  But not like.

• 2:01:27Dax Shepard?

  In what context?

• 2:01:28Speaker 03

  For fun?

• 2:01:29Speaker 01

  I mean.

• 2:01:30Dax Shepard?

  Maybe in bed for fun.

• 2:01:31Speaker 01

  Like, yeah.

• 2:01:32Dax Shepard?

  It's like running little experiments.

• 2:01:33Speaker 01

  Like, I don't even like to hear it on my own, really.

• 2:01:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I do, I do.

• 2:01:38Speaker 01

  I know, you're sick.

• 2:01:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:01:40Speaker 01

  Okay, but.

• 2:01:41Dax Shepard?

  It's a hilarious noise.

• 2:01:42Speaker 01

  But.

• 2:01:45Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, I get embarrassed. I like be embarrassed by myself.

• 2:01:49Dax Shepard?

  Wow, yeah.

• 2:01:50Speaker 01

  I have a high, high, high level of embarrassment in life.

• 2:01:55Dax Shepard?

  So you're in your bed by yourself and you go, you hear, and you're like, oh my God, Monica. Like, you have a.

• 2:02:01Speaker 01

  I don't say.

• 2:02:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, Monica, what are you doing? Are you?

• 2:02:04Speaker 01

  Monica?

• 2:02:05Dax Shepard?

  Stop it.

• 2:02:06Speaker 01

  No, I'm just like, I just would get like.

• 2:02:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you get startled?

• 2:02:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would get startled, get a flush of embarrassment and kind of like, I hope nobody saw her, but you know, no one's there.

• 2:02:14Dax Shepard?

  Can I urge you to mount this topic with your therapist to see what she has to say about this?

• 2:02:20Speaker 01

  You really sound like Jess, because he's like, what? He's basically like, what's going on?

• 2:02:24Dax Shepard?

  What's going on?

• 2:02:25Speaker 01

  With your embarrassment?

• 2:02:26Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 2:02:26Speaker 01

  Which is, I know what's going on. Like, yes, I had a deep, deep fear of getting ostracized, so I was not embarrassing. And I'm very aware of.

• 2:02:39Speaker 01

  Doing anything embarrassing? And unfortunately for the people in my life, I'm extremely aware of when other people are doing things that are embarrassing as well.

• 2:02:50Speaker 01

  And it, I get secondhand very, very easily.

• 2:02:55Dax Shepard?

  For sure, but you would look at me currently.

• 2:02:58Speaker 01

  Uh oh, arriving now, um, Rob.

• 2:03:03Speaker 01

  Because of Dax's.

• 2:03:05Speaker 03

  This is breast milk addiction.

• 2:03:08Dax Shepard?

  You would.

• 2:03:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:03:10Dax Shepard?

  Hear me say, I have enormous fear that I'm gonna be financially insolvent.

• 2:03:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:03:16Dax Shepard?

  And you would go, Dax, you gotta get over that. That's an old fear.

• 2:03:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:03:20Dax Shepard?

  That like, doesn't even make sense now.

• 2:03:22Speaker 01

  It makes zero sense.

• 2:03:23Dax Shepard?

  And you being ostracized, this doesn't make any sense anymore. This.

• 2:03:26Speaker 01

  Well, I've never farted and it was so stinky around people. I've never done that. You have secured finances. So like.

• 2:03:35Dax Shepard?

  No, but hold on, in our friendship group, many of us fart.

• 2:03:38Speaker 01

  The men, not the women. I mean, they do, but they don't, they, they don't like out, out and about like you guys do. Anyway, this is circling back to like my whole point. Okay, so you guys.

• 2:03:55Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, I also ordered a sandwich.

• 2:03:58Dax Shepard?

  So you got like produce in there. It's like, oh, thank you.

• 2:04:02Speaker 01

  This is Dax's colostrum arrived again. Thank you, Rob.

• 2:04:06Dax Shepard?

  Cow breast milk is here.

• 2:04:08Speaker 01

  I have no idea if something is going to smell or not. Okay, like when it's in my body.

• 2:04:17Dax Shepard?

  You don't fart enough.

• 2:04:19Speaker 01

  Maybe, but I, I, there's no way for me to know this and you, I, I do think it's arrogant for you guys to be like, oh, I know this one is like, oh, it smells.

• 2:04:26Dax Shepard?

  Well, hold on, if you have a lot of farts and you let them out a lot, I'm sure Rob will agree with me. You have a sensation.

• 2:04:35Speaker 01

  Rob doesn't fart a lot.

• 2:04:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's right. He's not a big farter, but I bet he farts a ton by himself. My point is you often you there's a signature heat. There's a heat signature.

• 2:04:49Speaker 01

  In the body?

• 2:04:50Dax Shepard?

  In the bowels. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, this is this is not safe for public consumption.

• 2:04:55Speaker 01

  Oh, my.

• 2:04:56Dax Shepard?

  You do, right? Yeah, you can feel when they are gonna be putrid.

• 2:05:00Speaker 01

  This is okay. I do need people to comment. I really do. I need people to comment and say whether you experienced this or not, and if in your gender, please.

• 2:05:10Dax Shepard?

  Now, am I wrong? Yeah. A lot of times I'm like, I think we're good, or I've already tooted three or four times and I didn't smell anything. And I think I think we're just good for the day when it turns. But in general, I would say with eighty percent accuracy, I know whether they're gonna smell or not.

• 2:05:30Speaker 01

  Okay, now, the original question I wanted to ask is the technique of

• 2:05:38Dax Shepard?

  I have incredible sphincter.

• 2:05:39Speaker 01

  Breding your butt cheek.

• 2:05:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, uh huh.

• 2:05:41Speaker 01

  To let it out.

• 2:05:42Dax Shepard?

  Can we talk more about when you did that? Trying to picture you reaching back. It couldn't have been in public.

• 2:05:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's my whole point. Okay, so that there's no smell. I mean, I'm so sorry that there's no sound.

• 2:05:57Speaker 01

  Can you do that hands free?

• 2:05:59Dax Shepard?

  Make it quiet?

• 2:06:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:06:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:06:01Speaker 01

  How?

• 2:06:04Dax Shepard?

  You have to really slowly and gently let it leak out. You can't push. You get that sensation when you're far. It's like uncomfortable. You gotta push. It's almost like you have pop it, you know?

• 2:06:16Speaker 01

  Well, you gotta get it out.

• 2:06:18Dax Shepard?

  You gotta get it out. And so your body tells you to push it like your nature is to be in the woods and push it out and get that gas out of there.

• 2:06:25Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 2:06:25Dax Shepard?

  But you can. This is why I would probably be good at anal. I can relax. I have good control and I can relax.

• 2:06:34Speaker 01

  No, but relaxing.

• 2:06:36Dax Shepard?

  There's a way to relax where it's just letting it slowly leak out. If you're a pro.

• 2:06:42Speaker 01

  Rob?

• 2:06:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know what he's talking about.

• 2:06:45Speaker 01

  Free.

• 2:06:46Speaker 03

  But yeah, but you're using your weight to shift.

• 2:06:49Speaker 01

  What do you mean like?

• 2:06:52Speaker 01

  I can't.

• 2:06:52Dax Shepard?

  They're gyrating around.

• 2:06:54Speaker 01

  I was having this conversation with them and like some of them claim they can go hands free. And I was like, that's insane. And here you are. And I think you can, because I rarely hear it. But you do say like, oh, I farted or oh, does it smell? And I haven't heard anything. So I guess, I didn't know if you just had non-verbal.

• 2:07:17Dax Shepard?

  Non-verbal farts? Yeah. No, I have verbal farts, but for the most part I can dampen, you know, I can, I can modulate.

• 2:07:27Speaker 01

  And have you ever been wrong about that?

• 2:07:29Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 2:07:30Speaker 01

  You were okay.

• 2:07:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, that's a noise.

• 2:07:32Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 2:07:33Dax Shepard?

  Now, Aaron, I don't think can do that. As you've heard Aaron's farts, right?

• 2:07:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:07:37Dax Shepard?

  They're infamous.

• 2:07:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're high pitched.

• 2:07:40Dax Shepard?

  It sounds like when you take a balloon and you just let the little bit of air squeak out by pulling it apart.

• 2:07:45Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:07:45Dax Shepard?

  It's the highest pitched.

• 2:07:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:07:48Dax Shepard?

  I don't think he'd be good at anal.

• 2:07:49Speaker 01

  Do we think he has just a very tight?

• 2:07:52Dax Shepard?

  That's what I'm just saying. I don't, I don't think he would be good at.

• 2:07:55Speaker 01

  I think that's what I'm dealing with.

• 2:07:57Dax Shepard?

  You think you have an extra type?

• 2:07:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:08:00Dax Shepard?

  Well, that's a nice compliment you gave her.

• 2:08:02Speaker 01

  Just, I just know my body, like imagining doing that hands free.

• 2:08:09Dax Shepard?

  Are yours loud? Are yours squeaky?

• 2:08:11Speaker 01

  They're not.

• 2:08:11Dax Shepard?

  Are they thunderous?

• 2:08:13Speaker 01

  Or thunderous.

• 2:08:14Dax Shepard?

  God, I want them to be thunderous.

• 2:08:16Speaker 01

  They're not thunderous.

• 2:08:16Dax Shepard?

  Cause you're so tiny.

• 2:08:17Speaker 01

  Every now and then.

• 2:08:18Dax Shepard?

  If I was like, I came into your house and you didn't know, and I was like walking around downstairs and then I just heard like, like really bassy.

• 2:08:30Dax Shepard?

  I would be delighted. You know, that little tiny person up there, it sounds like an elephant.

• 2:08:36Speaker 01

  I mean, I would venture to say because I don't fart a lot.

• 2:08:40Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 2:08:41Speaker 01

  If I do, if I must.

• 2:08:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, when you must.

• 2:08:45Speaker 01

  Um, if, uh, Yeah, there's a lot of air.

• 2:08:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, sure.

• 2:08:51Speaker 01

  Cause, cause if I only have a little air, I just, it goes back up in my body.

• 2:08:55Dax Shepard?

  Okay, it becomes a burp or?

• 2:08:58Speaker 01

  Never burp. Sometimes when you are burping so much, I, I think it's a tick, actually. Kind of think it's a little bit of a tick for you, but that's okay. I love it.

• 2:09:10Dax Shepard?

  I know my tics. It's not a tick.

• 2:09:12Speaker 01

  I don't think you know. Cause I don't think you always know you're doing it. I think sometimes you're, you're like burping and stuff and, and it's going unnoticed. Like you, because it's a tick, but also I do.

• 2:09:26Dax Shepard?

  You can't have that as a tick because you can't manufacture gas. Well, you can swallow air and, but I've never been able to do that.

• 2:09:35Speaker 01

  Automatic burp, yeah.

• 2:09:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, like I always had friends in junior high. I can do that.

• 2:09:39Speaker 01

  Do it.

• 2:09:41Dax Shepard?

  Right on command.

• 2:09:42Speaker 01

  That was good.

• 2:09:45Dax Shepard?

  I bet he does fart on command, but he's not letting.

• 2:09:48Speaker 01

  Trust us.

• 2:09:49Dax Shepard?

  Why don't you trust us? You know, you feel a little betrayed by it now?

• 2:09:53Speaker 01

  No, I want everyone to be very open around me.

• 2:09:58Speaker 01

  Look, sometimes.

• 2:10:00Dax Shepard?

  That's because he's your brother and your husband.

• 2:10:02Speaker 01

  Exactly. And when it's your.

• 2:10:04Dax Shepard?

  And he farts a lot.

• 2:10:06Speaker 01

  He doesn't around me.

• 2:10:08Dax Shepard?

  Oh, he doesn't? You've broke him of that. Or does he step outside a lot?

• 2:10:11Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:10:12Dax Shepard?

  You know me, I call it out in a way. I do out in a way.

• 2:10:16Speaker 01

  Out in a way is nice because that's not, that's not endangering anyone or disrespecting anyone in the space. Jess has learned, and I do feel, I guess I feel guilty about this, but do I? Not really. But when it's your brother.

• 2:10:34Dax Shepard?

  To know you should say you feel guilty, but in your heart.

• 2:10:38Speaker 01

  I don't. But when it's your brother husband, um, I also think it's a little bit on you. Like, remember when you, you told, you guys say like, if, if there's like a big hair coming out of your nose or something like, it's on your spouse to say.

• 2:10:57Dax Shepard?

  We went out to eat with a couple and the man had several long, very noticeable hairs growing out of his nose. And we left and I said, she does not love him. And they got divorced like, uh, three months later.

• 2:11:09Dax Shepard?

  That's a real story.

• 2:11:12Speaker 01

  Was the only indicator about the nose hairs? Or is there some others?

• 2:11:16Dax Shepard?

  That to me was a big, like, what is going on in this relationship? I can see from across the table that he has three or four very prominent hairs growing out of his nose. You're sitting next to him.

• 2:11:29Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:11:30Dax Shepard?

  You didn't need glasses to read the menu. Why aren't you telling your husband about this?

• 2:11:35Speaker 01

  But do you think, okay, but there is, some people are really sensitive, really sensitive. And maybe she had tried before and maybe he was like, stop being so critical of me. And so maybe she's learned like, okay, I don't think that's a place I can go.

• 2:11:51Dax Shepard?

  That's possible, obviously. But I have been in several relationships. I know a lot of people in relationships and that is why you're in a fucking relationship. So that you can have one person you're not sensitive around that can pop the zits on your back. You can fart around like, it's just too exhausting to be hiding all this disgustingness that we all carry. And that's what the point of it is. Like I'm, I'm linking up with someone to just fucking drop the charade, be myself and hopefully they love me.

• 2:12:22Speaker 01

  But you're already doing that. You're already farting and stuff.

• 2:12:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, but like, you know, I'm very sensitive about my anus, as you know, I've talked about it a lot. And I have let Kristen shave my anus for work. And that's not something I'm like, gonna line up to let people do.

• 2:12:37Speaker 01

  Why don't you show it on here and get real vulnerable?

• 2:12:39Dax Shepard?

  No, I already showed it on, this is where I leave you.

• 2:12:42Speaker 01

  If you want to see Dax's anus.

• 2:12:43Dax Shepard?

  They didn't use the take with my anus on display, thank God. It would have given him a different rating, for sure.

• 2:12:49Speaker 01

  You think it's that, okay, maybe this is ding ding ding connecting to the fart silencing. Like maybe you guys who can, who can let it out with silence, maybe you guys have huge assholes.

• 2:13:03Dax Shepard?

  Maybe, I don't, I don't think mine is.

• 2:13:05Speaker 01

  Let's call Aaron.

• 2:13:08Speaker 01

  Let's ask him if he can go hands free.

• 2:13:11Dax Shepard?

  I have seen Aaron's anus, of course.

• 2:13:14Speaker 01

  And it's tight.

• 2:13:14Dax Shepard?

  It looks the same as mine, but both of us agree it's a very unattractive part of us.

• 2:13:20Speaker 01

  Well, of everyone.

• 2:13:21Dax Shepard?

  Not ever be looked at. Not everyone. Often women have beautiful buttholes. Yeah, print it, quote it.

• 2:13:30Speaker 01

  Print it.

• 2:13:31Dax Shepard?

  Clip it.

• 2:13:32Speaker 01

  Send it.

• 2:13:33Dax Shepard?

  Send it directly to Daily Mail or whatever. One hates me. Yeah. Beautiful.

• 2:13:39Speaker 01

  Okay, that's just because you like, you're attracted to women, but I like.

• 2:13:44Dax Shepard?

  No, if you showed like 10 pictures of men's assholes and 10 pictures of women's assholes to AI and you said, which one's more disgusting? For sure, AI without any.

• 2:13:55Speaker 01

  Why would they be that different?

• 2:13:57Dax Shepard?

  They're hairy.

• 2:13:59Speaker 01

  Oh, well, women, okay, that's, that stigma, okay?

• 2:14:03Dax Shepard?

  Even if they're hairy, Monica, the men have more hair on their butt than women. That's, we can say that.

• 2:14:10Speaker 01

  On their butt cheeks.

• 2:14:11Dax Shepard?

  And their cheeks and their chin and their mustache.

• 2:14:15Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:14:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:17Speaker 01

  They do, but no, but also, but I'm just saying like women do and then you shave or wax or whatever.

• 2:14:22Dax Shepard?

  I've seen hair on women's buttholes.

• 2:14:24Speaker 01

  Or you get electrolysis.

• 2:14:25Dax Shepard?

  And it did not look like hair on men's buttholes, so I'll just say that.

• 2:14:28Speaker 01

  Okay, now, now, now, just do you think he could go hands free with the asshole you've seen?

• 2:14:34Dax Shepard?

  Weekly?

• 2:14:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:14:35Dax Shepard?

  No, he could spread it apart with everything. I think it would still squeak.

• 2:14:39Speaker 01

  Even if he moves it with his hands, we gotta ask.

• 2:14:42Dax Shepard?

  I know he's done it. Well.

• 2:14:44Speaker 01

  Oh dang.

• 2:14:45Dax Shepard?

  My son doesn't love me anymore.

• 2:14:47Speaker 01

  Fuck.

• 2:14:48Dax Shepard?

  Well, okay.

• 2:14:49Speaker 01

  All right. Um, all right. Well, I guess let's do some facts.

• 2:14:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:14:53Speaker 01

  Clean it up.

• 2:14:55Dax Shepard?

  Let's clean it up for Hannah.

• 2:14:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, let's do that. Ding ding ding, cleanup.

• 2:14:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh. That went in the wrong direction again. Reset, take two, cleanup, the cleanup.

• 2:15:10Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare.

• 2:15:22Dax Shepard?

  I loved Hannah Berner.

• 2:15:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was so fun.

• 2:15:25Dax Shepard?

  She was so fun.

• 2:15:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I agree.

• 2:15:28Dax Shepard?

  It's happening to a good person.

• 2:15:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, we like that.

• 2:15:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm glad I wasn't a professional athlete.

• 2:15:35Speaker 01

  Wow. I mean, I'm glad you weren't either.

• 2:15:39Dax Shepard?

  Just a life of like singularly focused life from like eight until 20 on this thing. That's not for me.

• 2:15:46Speaker 01

  It's not for you, but it's also why, like you not wanting that is also why you aren't one. You know what I mean? It's all tied together. It's like that your outlook on life and what you want life to look like and be doing.

• 2:16:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:16:01Speaker 01

  Is not conducive to.

• 2:16:03Dax Shepard?

  No, yeah, I want way too many experiences.

• 2:16:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:16:07Dax Shepard?

  It's funny, I just came up with this theory this morning in the dentist's chair.

• 2:16:10Speaker 01

  Oh, oh, yeah, you got dental work.

• 2:16:13Dax Shepard?

  I didn't get any work, but I got the edges polished anyways.

• 2:16:17Speaker 01

  That's work.

• 2:16:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. But I was talking to my dentist and he was telling me about his son and he's talking about, you know, he's a soccer player and like, clearly he's putting a ton of effort into it and he wants him to go to this league because the competition will be higher. And, you know, he's telling me all this stuff and I'm just listening and I'm like, I just can't relate, right? Like, I don't desire for my kids to be great at anything.

• 2:16:38Speaker 01

  I know, it's so strange.

• 2:16:40Dax Shepard?

  I figured it out, though. It has been so strange to me for a very long time. And this morning, for the first time, I think I made sense of it.

• 2:16:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:16:48Dax Shepard?

  So I'm listening to him and then I'm thinking about him as a person and then I'm thinking about me as a person. And I said to him, look, I just came up with this theory, so maybe it doesn't hold any water, but it makes a lot of sense to me that you are this way with your kid because you're a specialist. You have dedicated your life to becoming an expert and a specialist at this thing, dentistry.

• 2:17:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:17:12Dax Shepard?

  He's also like an expert drawer and stuff. He, that's the type of duties. I said, I'm a generalist. I'm not great at anything. My attack is like, I'd rather know 70% about a lot of things than 100 about a few things. That's just how I am.

• 2:17:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:17:28Dax Shepard?

  So, yeah. Makes total sense to me that like, I'm not looking for my kids to become expert level on anything just because I'm not that way and I'm fine.

• 2:17:37Speaker 01

  Right, but don't you still want that for them?

• 2:17:39Dax Shepard?

  No, if I had to pick whether they were specialists or generalists, obviously I'd prefer they were generalists because obviously I was drawn to being a generalist.

• 2:17:46Speaker 01

  I know, but that's, but that's so much about you.

• 2:17:48Dax Shepard?

  So same with him, everyone is, that's like, that's a given is you have your life experience and then you have these kids you're worried and you hope they'll, they'll turn out right. So you want to make sure if you believe in endless hard work and focus, that's how you get to where you want to go.

• 2:18:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:18:02Dax Shepard?

  If that's the approach you believed in, of course, that's the one you pass on.

• 2:18:06Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:18:07Dax Shepard?

  My approach is like, no, skatty wampus and it was all over the map and I ultimately landed on being a generalist, which.

• 2:18:15Speaker 01

  But you didn't land on it, that just happened to be where your life went. It's not like, and where your skills lie. Like if their skills lie more in niche or specificity, that is what they should do. Like it's not to ma, it should be to maximize whatever innate skill you have.

• 2:18:36Dax Shepard?

  Well.

• 2:18:37Speaker 01

  Whether that's being a generalist or not.

• 2:18:39Dax Shepard?

  I think that's a separate conversation. So a separate conversation is, um, do I not want them to be what they are naturally are? No, if they want to be specialists, you're going to watch the most supportive dad.

• 2:18:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:18:54Dax Shepard?

  Ever. If they were pursuing soccer in the way that this kid.

• 2:18:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 2:18:58Dax Shepard?

  I would support it, but given my own nature, I'm just going to be laying out the world as I see it and as I've experienced it. I could be, I could be swayed against that if they're showing some interest in being a specialist.

• 2:19:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:19:14Dax Shepard?

  But of course I'm not going to pass on being a specialist because I'm not one, I'm a generalist. So naturally I'm going to pass on the kind of ethos that a generalist has.

• 2:19:23Speaker 01

  Is what?

• 2:19:24Dax Shepard?

  I just said, like, I would rather know seventy percent about one hundred topics than I would want to know a hundred percent about three topics. That's just my nature.

• 2:19:36Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:19:36Dax Shepard?

  My goal is not to invent something. For a lot of people, their goal in life is to win first place.

• 2:19:45Speaker 01

  You're looking at.

• 2:19:45Dax Shepard?

  And that's great. I'm not against it.

• 2:19:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:19:48Dax Shepard?

  My goal in life was to be able to hang with maximum amount of people on planet Earth. Like, my goal's always been, I want to be able to drop into every single group of people and get along. You know?

• 2:19:59Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 2:19:59Dax Shepard?

  Like, on the weekends, I'm hanging out with the drag racers in Kenya on grass shit. And during the week, I'm with the fucking art kids and the snowboarders. Like, I just love the variety of people. And so, um, being a generalist suits that ultimate goal of mine, which is just to, like, be able to fucking hang and move between any group. And some people's goal is, like, I want to invent this thing, or create the cure for cancer, or win the only gold medal.

• 2:20:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:20:27Dax Shepard?

  Both are totally fine endeavors.

• 2:20:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, I think all of it is too much. I think a goal is, like, just find a purpose. Doesn't matter if it's niche, doesn't matter if it's, doesn't matter what it is.

• 2:20:40Dax Shepard?

  I couldn't agree more.

• 2:20:40Speaker 01

  Find a purpose.

• 2:20:42Dax Shepard?

  You just gotta stay busy on planet Earth.

• 2:20:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:20:44Dax Shepard?

  I mean, that's the reality of it.

• 2:20:45Speaker 01

  But you have to stay busy in a way that makes you feel good, that, like, makes you feel.

• 2:20:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and you gotta figure that out. Your parents aren't ever gonna figure that out.

• 2:20:53Speaker 01

  No, they're not. And I guess there are techniques for doing that, but.

• 2:21:00Dax Shepard?

  There are. There are. There are many of these people that are specialists, that they believe their kids should work hard, they should work harder than anyone else, and they should get better than everyone else. That's what they believe the game of life is. And that's great, because for a lot of people, that is the game of life.

• 2:21:18Speaker 01

  I know, but it's like, you're kind of saying it now as, like, this, like, fifty-one-year-old.

• 2:21:26Speaker 01

  And that's not really how you behaved. Like when you were at the Groundlings and stuff like that's specialized. And that's working really fucking hard and it's working harder than it's it is. It's putting in tons of hours and it's not.

• 2:21:45Dax Shepard?

  There was Jess right next to me. And Jess went to every single show at the Groundlings. He was friends with all of the upper Groundlings that were in the company. His life was the Groundlings. I was going to UCLA. I had a drinking problem. I like to go out. I never did it like him. And a handful of people. I did the amount I wanted to get on stage and have that experience, but I didn't.

• 2:22:11Speaker 01

  You didn't devote your.

• 2:22:13Dax Shepard?

  I didn't the way he suggested or several other people I knew. It was too constraining to only have one thing for me. Like I need lots of things happening. So I was saying even when I was talking to the dentist, the only thing I approach expert level on is cars. And I'm not. It's also true. I'm not. Tom Hanson knows more than Jay Leno knows more than me about cars. Jay Leno is a specialist on cars. And I'm damn good. I can talk to 90% of the people can't leave me in the dust on cars. But that's what I'm saying. That's the one that's probably I'm closest to an expert on, and I'm not even close to an expert on that.

• 2:22:58Dax Shepard?

  So anyways, I do think it impacts how you raise your kids. Yeah. I was like, why aren't I going like, you gotta, we gotta get you harder opponents and play in the next league. You know, like I just, I can't even find that desire in me. Again, I would support it.

• 2:23:13Speaker 01

  No, that's not true. When you take Lincoln to the driving area. Carding. And she's doing well where she is, you're like, we're going up.

• 2:23:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Again, again, these are all like, yes, you're a hundred percent right. These are all shades of commitment.

• 2:23:34Dax Shepard?

  It's like, yes, do I want her to learn the racing line and learn to break? And again, I hope she reaches a level that when she goes to go kart track with all of her friends, she can win.

• 2:23:43Speaker 01

  Right. That, yeah, that requires.

• 2:23:46Dax Shepard?

  But then going to another league and having to be the best Carter in LA and then the best in California. And the like, that part I just, I lose interest in. I want to go have fun and hopefully I'll win. I don't not like winning. I like being especially driving.

• 2:24:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:24:04Dax Shepard?

  Um, yeah, but I don't have that gear.

• 2:24:07Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:24:08Dax Shepard?

  And I don't think it's good or bad. I just don't think I have that.

• 2:24:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, everyone's different.

• 2:24:12Dax Shepard?

  A lot of people would have had these like fun trips with the cart with Lincoln and they would have gone and got a coach by now.

• 2:24:18Speaker 01

  If they wanted, if Lincoln wanted.

• 2:24:21Dax Shepard?

  They're like that, right? Like, well, you got, we gotta get you a coach and we got, there's only steps we could be taking.

• 2:24:26Speaker 01

  There are variations. There's a one way of looking at life. This is how my parents did it. You know, you, yeah, you, working hard is the whole thing.

• 2:24:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:24:36Speaker 01

  It's not the gifts you've been given. Like you're smart. Doesn't matter if you're smart. If you aren't working hard, no one cares.

• 2:24:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:24:43Speaker 01

  It won't do anything. So that was very instilled of it's a game of hard work. And, but yeah, they're not like, oh, we see you see, you show some aptitude here. So we're gonna like go get you a coach. It's, it was all on me.

• 2:25:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:25:03Speaker 01

  It was like, this is how you do it. Now it's on you to do that.

• 2:25:06Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 2:25:07Speaker 01

  Which I appreciate, I appreciate and that I think that is definitely if I had children, what I would impart as well. Like it's, it's, it's time to work hard. If you care about this thing, if you don't care about it, who cares? If you do, I'm definitely someone that's like devoted all.

• 2:25:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I think my. Bigger desire than being great at any one of these activities is like, I want to be competent in everything.

• 2:25:35Dax Shepard?

  Like, and once I get to competent, like, I'm pretty much, my journey's over. If I go to the motorcycle track and I ride with the guys and I'm totally competent, some days I'm the fastest there, some days I'm not. Like, I do that thing. They know I do that. That's enough. I don't need to be my friend Josh Heron, who's winning AMA fucking superbike, you know?

• 2:25:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:25:55Dax Shepard?

  Anyways.

• 2:25:55Speaker 01

  I can't relate.

• 2:25:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I know. It's fun.

• 2:25:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, it is fun. Everyone's so different.

• 2:26:00Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I think everyone's inclination is like, you evaluate a difference and then the first impulse is like, what one's right and which one's wrong? And I think that's the thing you gotta fight against in your mind all the time.

• 2:26:12Speaker 01

  There's no right or wrong, but there is what works for you and what doesn't work for you, you know? So.

• 2:26:18Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:26:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:26:20Dax Shepard?

  That was anyways, that was about Hannah's extreme tennis journey.

• 2:26:23Speaker 01

  Yes. I mean, what I do believe, and this episode, I think, kind of reiterates that a little bit, is I, or reiterated to me, like, I think supporting your kid, of course, is like, the most important thing, but the level of investment in your kid's activity is a fine line to ride. I think.

• 2:26:51Dax Shepard?

  Well, I think the people that are in that position

• 2:26:56Dax Shepard?

  need to constantly policing themselves about whether it is their desire or their own desire. That's, I think, the line that needs to be navigated well.

• 2:27:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:27:09Dax Shepard?

  Because I think if it could easily be, like, their reflection on you, you've put all this time into it, so if they win, it is your win as well.

• 2:27:16Speaker 01

  Right.

• 2:27:17Dax Shepard?

  And if you're kind of sucked into that aspect of it. That feels like something you'd want to be conscious of.

• 2:27:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think it's tricky. I think it's very slippery for everyone involved in that. Okay, what does Marcelo's girlfriend do? And yes, she did go to Yale and I said she was an architect and she, she is.

• 2:27:38Dax Shepard?

  She's an architect?

• 2:27:39Speaker 01

  She's a co-founder of BASA, I don't know what that is, B A S A, working as an architect, artist and furniture designer. Oh, masters of architecture from Yale.

• 2:27:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh, very cool.

• 2:27:50Speaker 01

  Now, the ethnic breakdown of Wisconsin, 78% white.

• 2:27:55Dax Shepard?

  White.

• 2:27:56Speaker 01

  8% Hispanic, Latino, 6% black or African American, 3% Asian and 1% Native American. That'd be probably a tough place for me. I mean, tough, I mean, 3% is low.

• 2:28:13Dax Shepard?

  Oh, in your count, they mean, they mean Asia too.

• 2:28:15Speaker 01

  No, they're including Indian in that.

• 2:28:17Dax Shepard?

  But that's not even, yeah, we both know that that.

• 2:28:21Speaker 01

  No, you think you know.

• 2:28:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we both know.

• 2:28:24Speaker 01

  No, we don't.

• 2:28:27Speaker 01

  Okay, so tapping, she talked about tapping. Tapping or emotional freedom techniques is a mind-body practice that combines acupressure and cognitive therapy. By lightly tapping on nine specific body meridians while focusing on an anxious thought, you send calming signals to the amygdala to quietly regulate your nervous system.

• 2:28:49Dax Shepard?

  Are you gonna learn those nine meridians?

• 2:28:51Speaker 01

  Nah.

• 2:28:51Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:28:52Speaker 01

  I think I'm good for now. I mean, I can circle back if I need it.

• 2:28:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you do wrestle with anxiety from time to time.

• 2:29:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, I haven't really in a while, I don't think. I mean, I'm trying to think like.

• 2:29:05Dax Shepard?

  Grown out of it.

• 2:29:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, or just maybe because I have been in therapy for so long and I have worked on a lot of things that maybe, I don't know. Sometimes I wonder.

• 2:29:21Dax Shepard?

  Here we go.

• 2:29:23Speaker 01

  I have good wonders.

• 2:29:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you have really nice wonders.

• 2:29:28Speaker 01

  Sometimes I wonder when I was having all of those, when I was having panic attacks. But they were very physical.

• 2:29:39Speaker 01

  And I, you know, I felt like I was like disassociated and I, but I was here, but I like couldn't like get my brain like back. Now I'm like, were those seizures?

• 2:29:51Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow.

• 2:29:52Speaker 01

  Not, not, obviously not, um, grand mall seizures, but the other kind, petite mall. That's how they look. And so there is a part of me that's like, maybe.

• 2:30:03Dax Shepard?

  You were having little seizures?

• 2:30:04Speaker 01

  Was happening then.

• 2:30:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, petite.

• 2:30:08Speaker 01

  Teat, so cute.

• 2:30:10Dax Shepard?

  So cute.

• 2:30:12Speaker 01

  So I don't know if I ever had anxiety.

• 2:30:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, now this might make you self-conscious.

• 2:30:17Speaker 01

  Just tell me.

• 2:30:18Dax Shepard?

  It's very memorable when you see someone have a seizure.

• 2:30:21Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, I know.

• 2:30:22Dax Shepard?

  Have you seen, I've seen.

• 2:30:24Speaker 01

  Which kind? I've seen both. Petite malls are less, they're like, they're just very, they're very disassociated.

• 2:30:31Dax Shepard?

  I've talked about my uncle a million times. He had to have the corridor cut in his brain. He had really intense epilepsy. And yeah, one time at my birthday party at the, our equivalent of Benihana, it wasn't called that, but it was a.

• 2:30:40Speaker 01

  Uh huh. Japanese steakhouse.

• 2:30:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Hibachi grill or whatever. And like, all of a sudden I just looked at him and he's like holding his plate weird. I'm like, what's he, why is he holding this plate? And then he started like leaning forward and then like, then the plate spilled and then all this other stuff started happening. And yeah, what was really obvious is like, I just remember checking in with his face and I'm like, oh yeah, he's not here. Like he's not experiencing this at all. That's what's crazy about it. And then, then a grand mall and a movie theater one time where it's like someone yelled for a doctor. Someone said, put your wallet in their mouth. It was like a scene out of a movie.

• 2:31:16Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, no, I know. I know this girl had one in the cafeteria. It's so, I'll, it is seared. It is seared in my brain. It was so scary and so like. Just the last of his fucking place.

• 2:31:33Speaker 01

  Also, my friend Charles had one in a movie theater, but I wasn't there for that.

• 2:31:37Dax Shepard?

  If you had to pick between farting really loud and it reeked.

• 2:31:42Speaker 01

  Ah!

• 2:31:43Dax Shepard?

  Or having a seizure.

• 2:31:44Speaker 01

  In the cafeteria?

• 2:31:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and everyone was like, same level of awareness. People were like, oh, Monica farted. Fuck, would you eat cabbage? You know, like it immediately started.

• 2:31:56Dax Shepard?

  It's that?

• 2:31:57Speaker 01

  This is the worst. This is the worst, would you rather?

• 2:32:02Speaker 01

  I would pick seizure. Yeah, cuz at least I can't control it.

• 2:32:07Dax Shepard?

  I would imagine you'd be afraid that that smell would be permanently linked to people's image of you. That even they were just thinking about you in a different classroom, months later, they'd be able to smell that.

• 2:32:16Speaker 01

  Well, I think either way, you're linked to that experience for the rest of your life.

• 2:32:20Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:32:21Speaker 01

  But one is like, e, like, one is like scary a little bit, and the other is gross. And so I'd pick scary.

• 2:32:28Dax Shepard?

  Good pick. Even though, health-wise, you'd pick farting.

• 2:32:31Speaker 01

  I know, cuz you could die.

• 2:32:32Dax Shepard?

  So much easier on your body.

• 2:32:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Um, but I, uh, I think about that.

• 2:32:40Dax Shepard?

  Fuck, Monica, gas.

• 2:32:42Speaker 01

  Stop it!

• 2:32:43Dax Shepard?

  Fuck, Monica. Would you eat a McRib?

• 2:32:46Speaker 01

  Stop! That's never happened to me.

• 2:32:52Speaker 01

  I do think about it all the time because I looked like that and people saw.

• 2:32:59Dax Shepard?

  Oh, uh-huh.

• 2:33:00Speaker 01

  Thank God, it was just my people.

• 2:33:02Dax Shepard?

  Your girlfriends.

• 2:33:02Speaker 01

  I know, but like, I think all the time, ew, like, they saw me look so crazy.

• 2:33:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but I had seen one of my girlfriends, my girl spent, lost consciousness, and her, like, eyes rolled back in her head. I guess maybe it was a seizure, maybe it was, and I still thought she was beautiful afterward. I didn't, it didn't, like, impact how I saw her at all, other than just she scared me.

• 2:33:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. Did you cry?

• 2:33:28Dax Shepard?

  No, I, I picked her up and carried her to my mother's hotel room. And I said, we gotta go, we gotta go to the hospital.

• 2:33:34Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, this is when you were having sex.

• 2:33:36Dax Shepard?

  Don't bring anything.

• 2:33:37Speaker 01

  You told it. You've talked about it.

• 2:33:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:33:40Speaker 01

  You were, oh, this is way different.

• 2:33:42Dax Shepard?

  It was post-coital.

• 2:33:44Speaker 01

  And what happens?

• 2:33:45Dax Shepard?

  I'm not gonna go into it, but no, no, no, no, no, no.

• 2:33:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:33:50Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I was nineteen. It was a little scary.

• 2:33:52Speaker 01

  A little?

• 2:33:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, and we had to go.

• 2:33:53Speaker 01

  You never get that scared.

• 2:33:56Dax Shepard?

  I was pretty scared.

• 2:33:57Speaker 01

  You were, yeah.

• 2:33:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, cuz she was eighteen, I was nineteen, her parents knew she was on this trip. I was doing a car show.

• 2:34:06Speaker 01

  Right. Thank God your mom was there.

• 2:34:08Dax Shepard?

  Like, I'm more responsible for her, and I love her, so I'm like, I got quite scared that something was wrong with her. But anyways, we went to the, like, an emergency room, and I don't even know where we were. I think we were in the south somewhere. And they just could not get off of what drugs have you guys done? What drugs have you guys?

• 2:34:26Dax Shepard?

  Not a drink. How much have you drank? I haven't drank. We smoke a lot of cigarettes. That's about all I can tell you.

• 2:34:32Speaker 01

  God, scary. I hope whoever, if I marry anyone, that they cry when I have a seizure.

• 2:34:40Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:34:41Speaker 01

  Well, I hope I don't have one ever again, obviously, but.

• 2:34:43Dax Shepard?

  Right, but if you have one.

• 2:34:45Speaker 01

  I want them to cry even at the thought of it.

• 2:34:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you would like that.

• 2:34:50Speaker 01

  You know who cried? Kristen.

• 2:34:52Dax Shepard?

  Did she?

• 2:34:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, she got re- well, not during it.

• 2:34:55Dax Shepard?

  After the.

• 2:34:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, when we were in the hospital. I was still out of, like, weird for a while after that, and then, you know, we were at the hospital and the doctor came and was talking to me and, like, kinda asking me questions or whatever, and then she looked, Kristen was behind, she looked over and she goes, I know, it's scary, and I looked, I was like, oh, she's crying. It was very sad, and then I was like, ugh, I traumatized everybody.

• 2:35:20Dax Shepard?

  What if he said, do you know why you're here, Ms. Padman?

• 2:35:23Speaker 01

  Why?

• 2:35:23Dax Shepard?

  And you said, did I have a seizure? And he said, no, you farted.

• 2:35:28Dax Shepard?

  And they all smelled it, and that's why she's crying.

• 2:35:32Speaker 01

  What is wrong with you?

• 2:35:33Dax Shepard?

  She wants to know if you had a McRib with Capitano.

• 2:35:35Speaker 01

  Ew, stop it. You're always trying to make me gross and it's you who's gross. Oh my god.

• 2:35:43Dax Shepard?

  Okay, we haven't done many facts.

• 2:35:45Speaker 01

  Yes, we've done a lot. Oh, the Chris Rock joke about cheating is like, men are only as faithful as their options.

• 2:35:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:35:57Speaker 01

  I'll play it.

• 2:35:59Dax Shepard?

  Okay. Man is basically as faithful as his options.

• 2:36:08Dax Shepard?

  That's how faithful a man is, no more, no less. They see all these fat Republican guys going, "I would never do such a thing." This is a travesty. I'm like, "Nobody's trying to blow you."

• 2:36:22Dax Shepard?

  Ain't no 20-year-old girl's trying to blow orange hatch.

• 2:36:28Dax Shepard?

  Ain't nobody trying to get Newt Gingrich's son. I don't give a fuck. You ain't never gonna hear Newt Gingrich go, "Man, I wish these hoes would back up off me."

• 2:36:39Dax Shepard?

  "I wish they would just back the fuck up off of me." Just, "Oh, ha, ha." For a man to turn down sex. If they chase us, we can't run that fast. They gonna catch us. We like, "Ah, ah, ah, shit." Pull the hamstring, "It got me, it got me, it got me."

• 2:36:58Dax Shepard?

  That was an impressive routine. I think that's when he came on, his whole routine was about him admitting he cheated.

• 2:37:03Speaker 01

  I know, there was a special. I don't know if this is that one, maybe? Maybe it is. He did, I remember that.

• 2:37:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it was rad.

• 2:37:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:37:11Dax Shepard?

  I mean, it's not rad that he cheated, but it was rad that he was able to tackle it onstage. Was cool.

• 2:37:18Speaker 01

  Right. All right, well, that's it.

• 2:37:21Dax Shepard?

  That was all.

• 2:37:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, Hannah.

• 2:37:23Dax Shepard?

  Loved her.

• 2:37:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, she was great.

• 2:37:24Dax Shepard?

  She's fantastic.

• 2:37:25Speaker 01

  Glad she joined us.

• 2:37:26Dax Shepard?

  All right, love you.

• 2:37:27Speaker 01

  Love you.