Bert Kreischer

Bert Kreischer (Lucky, Bertcast, 2 Bears 1 Cave) is a standup comedian, television host, and podcaster. Bert joins the Armchair Expert to discuss the fact that he would have thrived in a content house, how his discontinued flip-flops showed him the power of diversifying his talent, and why learning how to edit videos put him in the driver's seat of his career. Bert and Dax talk about why Florida and Australia are the closest cousins in the world, the truth being that he’s extremely sensitive, and when he started the tradition of pooling tips at his live shows to change one staff person’s day. Bert explains his father’s brutal approach to giving him the humility he needed that actually worked, the origin story of his topless standup performances, and how he had to take a break to find the smile in his joke again in his new special Lucky. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ http://www.wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dax Shepard?

  Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Jean Lightyear.

• 0:05Speaker 01

  Hi.

• 0:06Dax Shepard?

  Hi. Everyone will know who Bert Kreischer is. When I describe a jolly man with no shirt on who does stand up. He does not do his profession with a shirt on.

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:18Dax Shepard?

  It's not for him.

• 0:18Speaker 01

  Thing.

• 0:19Dax Shepard?

  Too cumbersome.

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Too much fabric.

• 0:21Dax Shepard?

  Too much fabric. It doesn't declare, I want to party hard enough.

• 0:25Speaker 01

  That's right.

• 0:26Dax Shepard?

  And he is all about partying.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  He really is.

• 0:29Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  He was also, he was crowned that early on.

• 0:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Once you get that moniker in college, you gotta make it a lifestyle. And boy, has he successfully.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Very successfully.

• 0:42Dax Shepard?

  Burt, of course, is a host of a couple of very popular podcasts, Two Bears, One Cave, and Something's Burning, and BurtCast. And he has been in The Machine, Razzle Dazzle, The Cabin, Burt the Conqueror, Secret Time, and he has a comedy special out right now on Netflix called Lucky. So please check that out if you haven't already. And please enjoy Bert Kreischer. We get support from Quince.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  Okay. Can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself, because let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.

• 1:31Dax Shepard?

  Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold, and Italian leather. Full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.

• 1:47Speaker 01

  It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60. Down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.

• 1:58Dax Shepard?

  Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California. And I'm so excited. And I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.

• 2:05Speaker 01

  It's great.

• 2:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.

• 2:10Speaker 01

  Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel-quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef-grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five-star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.

• 2:33Dax Shepard?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down, it's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers' comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefits software built for small businesses.

• 3:18Dax Shepard?

  It's all-in-one, remote-friendly, and incredibly easy to use so you can pay onboard and support your team from anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401K, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees, no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's Highest Satisfaction Products List for 2026, entrusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax.

• 4:03Dax Shepard?

  Again, that's gusto.com/dax.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  I find it rude showing up to a podcast on time. When I show up on time, I should show up like five minutes late to let them get settled. So today I was like, I didn't know your energy. So I didn't want to assume. When I get to do a podcast, I'm like, when I say two o'clock, it means I'll get there at two o'clock.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. And so I feel bad when people get there early and they're waiting on me. And then I'm like, I'm so sorry. I decided to walk to work.

• 4:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And you have it nearly as bad as me, which is you record in a house.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  I just said, I can't believe I'm at your house. It's so intimate.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, right?

• 4:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Is it a good or a bad idea, you think?

• 4:58Speaker 02

  It depends on who you have on your podcast. I have lunatics on my podcast. The night that we decided we no longer do it in our house, it was me, Sam Tripoli and Eddie Bravo, my daughter Isla, my daughter Georgia, and Eddie Bravo and Isla were learning jujitsu moves. And we're all high and we're all by the fire pit.

• 5:15Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 5:16Speaker 02

  And Isla's like, Mom, I'm learning jujitsu. It was really fun. But my wife's like, all right, just so we're clear, that energy, we're not going to welcome that into our house every time we have a guest.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  A little bit aggressive.

• 5:24Speaker 02

  She's like, I like Eddie. I like Sam, but I don't know if we're gonna just anytime you have a band that wants to stick around and we had a band doing coke in our bathroom the other day.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe keep those kids away from that.

• 5:35Speaker 02

  I try to go, ladies, do you know who this is? And then they're like, no. I was like, shit, this is Gavin Rossdale. Did you know who Gwen Stefani is? And they're like, yeah. I go, oh, God. Can you guys hug him or something? He's a legend. The only one that they ever got mad at me for not introducing them to was Tony Hawk.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Oh, we love Tony.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  They were like, you had Tony Hawk in your dad?

• 5:55Dax Shepard?

  It's hard to know what they're gonna know, right? They're what, 19 and 20, your daughters?

• 6:00Speaker 02

  19 to 20. Slipknot was a big home run. Five Finger Death Punch. My daughter Isla's into that kind of music.

• 6:06Dax Shepard?

  So how many years ago did you stop recording at home? Cause I went to a house, but that's not where you were living.

• 6:10Speaker 02

  That is just our studio. Probably three years ago.

• 6:14Dax Shepard?

  And that's good, right? It's just good across the board.

• 6:16Speaker 02

  Best energy in the world. I'm a natural extrovert. So I draw energy from people. And so to walk into a creative space like that, like I would have really thrived in one of those content houses. Those content houses the kids did. What do you mean, what's that?

• 6:28Speaker 01

  I don't know what a content house is.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  I was acting like I did. I thought I could context clues figure that out.

• 6:33Speaker 01

  There's no way Dax knows what a content house is.

• 6:35Speaker 02

  Back in the day, they get a thing called Sway House. Now, I'm gonna sound so fucking old.

• 6:39Speaker 01

  Is this MTV?

• 6:40Speaker 02

  No.

• 6:41Dax Shepard?

  Something ridiculous.

• 6:42Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 6:43Speaker 02

  Bryce Hall. Do you know who that is?

• 6:45Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Okay, this is like, this is, this is worse than being caught looking at porn at your kid's school. I'm really embarrassed that I'm telling you that I followed this.

• 6:54Dax Shepard?

  We're ignorant.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's never good luck. The Paul brothers did it. They get big on TikTok and then they'd move their friends in and then all day long, they just create content.

• 7:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay.

• 7:02Speaker 02

  I was forty five when they were doing that, forty two. There was one that lived down the street from me. I was so jealous. I had a family, kids, a beautiful wife, dogs. And I'd drive by there and go, these kids are living it.

• 7:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  And they lived in mansions in the hills and they just liked their pool on fire. Hey!

• 7:20Dax Shepard?

  Cut the top off of a Lamborghini here.

• 7:22Speaker 02

  Neighbors would be livid.

• 7:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 01

  Okay, so you still feel like, oh, man, or you feel like I had my time?

• 7:28Speaker 02

  I feel like I got it now in my house. I go there. I'm not lighting pools on fire, but today we had a creative meeting for a sitcom, first day of productions. Everyone comes in, they move out, we got a movie pitch, they come in, move out, we got three podcasts.

• 7:39Dax Shepard?

  It was a fervor of activity when I showed up. For anyone who didn't listen to that episode of Two Bears One Cave, I roll up and there's a tour bus in the driveway. I'm immediately ingratiated to you. I'm like, no one else has this in their driveway in LA. This is great.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:53Dax Shepard?

  And then I go inside and there's people everywhere and I'm like, they have a big business. There's a lot happening.

• 7:58Speaker 02

  Well, there's touring, there's TV, there's movies, there's podcasts, and then there's the vodka, there's the 5K.

• 8:04Dax Shepard?

  Cooking show.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  And that's the beautiful thing about this is whatever idea, I mean, I have my own fucking flip flop.

• 8:09Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, let's see this.

• 8:11Speaker 01

  And is it merch?

• 8:11Speaker 02

  Listen, this is gonna sound so detached, but once you get a certain level in success, you get to kind of just call your own shots. So there's a flip flop that I liked and they stopped making it. So I started cyberbullying them. I said, everyone online, just hit them up, tell them that this is bullshit, that they're not making my flip flop anymore.

• 8:26Dax Shepard?

  Where can I live without these?

• 8:27Speaker 02

  The guys that own the company hit me up and they're like, hey, man, we're not doing great in business. And I was like, well, then let me help. And my first thought was like, I need size twelves, just give me a thousand and I'll wear them for the rest of my life.

• 8:35Dax Shepard?

  He's only getting paid in flip flops.

• 8:37Speaker 02

  No, they're free waters. They're great flip flops.

• 8:40Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  And then I said, well, wait, how many do you need? I don't need any money in the company. Give me a price point where it's financially beneficial for you to make flip flops. Because if you could sell like 5,000 flip flops, I'd do it. I went, great. I said, make 5,000 in my style, the kind I like, put my name on it, I don't care, but I'll sell to my fans. We sold them in like 15 minutes.

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 8:56Speaker 02

  And at that point, I realized, oh, there's bigger things in this business.

• 9:00Dax Shepard?

  You're extremely ADHD, right?

• 9:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 9:03Dax Shepard?

  And I was thinking, what a perfect time you were born in. To come of age where you could be doing 57 different things and there's no barrier to entry and it's self distribution.

• 9:14Speaker 02

  We started at a time when that wasn't it. We had to get christened by a gatekeeper.

• 9:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  Which was so frustrating. I remember getting my first camera. It was a GL2. It was a Sony.

• 9:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  Canon, Canon GL2.

• 9:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  And I shot shorts. I just needed to do. And I edited them and I gave them to my manager and he goes, what am I supposed to do with these? At that moment, I thought this needs to go away. Cause I was like, I know I see stuff and I like it.

• 9:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  And I was like, what about the guys from South Park who made the Jesus fight Santa Claus? They made something. Now everyone sees it. I got really bored when I was a travel channel and I started doing a vlog. I got really into Casey Neistat, Mr. Ben Brown.

• 9:46Dax Shepard?

  You're so good with names. I just gotta say, I've been watching you all day on different interviews and your recall for people and how much you're abreast of every comedian that's working, all that. It's kind of staggering.

• 9:56Speaker 02

  I can tell you things I like. I love being a fan of shit. There's no sexier feeling in the world. I hope someone's getting this right now. This is the coolest feeling you'll ever get in the world is when you discover something and you like it and you deep dive and you find so much more shit and you're like, oh, I haven't even started.

• 10:11Speaker 01

  It is so fun.

• 10:12Speaker 02

  You know, I'll tell you this. I'm a big Grateful Dead fan. I've been lucky enough to be around them, Dead and Company. I've gone to the sphere.

• 10:18Dax Shepard?

  Will you do drugs when you do that? Cause you're not into drugs.

• 10:20Speaker 02

  I'll drink.

• 10:21Dax Shepard?

  You won't do like mushrooms or something for that?

• 10:23Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no.

• 10:23Speaker 01

  It also feels scary at the sphere.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  You don't need anything. The sphere is that good. I got so moved at the sphere for you two that David Copperfield left our box.

• 10:31Dax Shepard?

  Because?

• 10:31Speaker 02

  I was crying aggressively. My daughters could not stop laughing. They were filming all of it. And I was just sobbing. The older I've gotten, I've gotten very emotional, but I'm a big Dead fan. I love when you discover something.

• 10:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:43Speaker 02

  And so for me, it was vlogging. I've discovered Casey Neistat and Mr. Ben Brown. When I found these guys, I got turned on. I started deep diving them and I was like, this is sexy that they're in control of everything. And I started doing my own vlog. Very simple at first, a little more complex and people followed it and I got made fun of. I mean, trust me, Rogan lit me up a couple of times.

• 11:02Speaker 01

  Really?

• 11:03Speaker 02

  And I was like, we're going to film us playing pool. And he was like, the fuck? We just did a podcast.

• 11:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:07Speaker 02

  But I got really into it. And in doing that, I just learned how to edit videos. When I learned how to edit videos, I realized I was now in the driver's seat of my own career. Cause I could put out whatever. Content I needed out on whatever timeline I needed it to promote whatever show I needed. And in doing that, I think I learned to follow my heart.

• 11:24Dax Shepard?

  Well, it's a great era for someone with your makeup, probably ADHD, super crazy passionate right now about the thing. My hunch is if you can't knock it out in a small window, it's gone, right? Is that fair?

• 11:38Speaker 02

  They put pilot in Hollywood. That means we're making your pilot.

• 11:42Dax Shepard?

  They buy it with the commitment to make the pilot.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  At NBC, shout out to Tall Rebenowitz. I knew her when she was assistant. I walked into the room. She's now running NBC. She was always cool. She was like, say less, done. And then my best friend started fat shaming me. What year was this? This was 2016, I think. I had just gotten fired from Travel Channel. I already knew how to edit everything. I knew how to vlog. And Tom started fat shaming me and I was like, I know Tom doesn't know how to do any of this shit. I'm going to destroy him. And so I started fat shaming him. At one point, my manager and agent called my wife and they were like, hey, we need Burt's notes on the pilot. And she was like, oh, he's done. And they're like, what? She was like, it took too long. He's done. He's on to this fat shaming thing.

• 12:21Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  He's not going to do it.

• 12:22Dax Shepard?

  You're white hot, but it's got a real short half life.

• 12:26Speaker 02

  If it's not there right away, I'm on to the next thing.

• 12:27Dax Shepard?

  But what amazing technology that has sprouted up where you make real time content and it can be released that day. And you see the results of it and then you're on to the very next thing. This is not a personality type that works under the old paradigm.

• 12:41Speaker 02

  No.

• 12:42Dax Shepard?

  All right, but let us start at the beginning. Shoot, Tampa, Florida, 1977.

• 12:47Speaker 02

  Seventy two, fifty two.

• 12:48Dax Shepard?

  Yes, yes. I'm seventy five. I made you younger than me.

• 12:51Speaker 02

  My two writers on my show were like, you're meeting Derek Shepherd today? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, how old is he? I went, probably like forty? And they're like, he's fucking forty? And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, you were just with him. How do you not know how old he is? And I was like, I think he seems young as shit. He's got a full head of hair. He's jacked.

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Look at you. That's so nice.

• 13:10Dax Shepard?

  He took the steps two at a time on the way up to the studio.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  You shaved ten whole years off. How nice.

• 13:16Dax Shepard?

  That's really kind of you. Well, and then I just gave you five years. November seventy two, you arrive. St. Petersburg, but then we get to Tampa.

• 13:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, I shot my special in St. Petersburg. Specials comes out on Netflix, March eighteenth. And I shot it in St. Petersburg, very emotional.

• 13:29Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so Tampa, Florida. Dad was a real estate attorney?

• 13:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:34Dax Shepard?

  So was he crushing?

• 13:35Speaker 02

  No, my dad doesn't like me talking about this, but he didn't listen to your podcast.

• 13:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 13:38Speaker 02

  So I think we're safe.

• 13:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 02

  I was talking about it on Rogan one time. Rogan's can't be real. So I called my dad. I go, yo, dad, do you ever rest for that? Dot, dot, dot. And he's like, yeah. I was like, cool. I'm on Rogan. He goes, what? Don't fucking tell people who I represent. Buddy, you can't tell people who I represented.

• 13:52Speaker 02

  But they have a building right on this road.

• 13:53Dax Shepard?

  The people he represented have a building on this road.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  Very big building, a mile that way. Scientology.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  So he met an author.

• 14:05Dax Shepard?

  Okay, wonderful.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  The author loved boats. I mean, you would think the guy lived on a boat.

• 14:10Dax Shepard?

  And then he did build a boat he lived on.

• 14:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. We lived in what I would say a white trash neighborhood. I apologize if there's anyone that grew up with me. Not my second neighborhood, not Faircloth Estates, but the first neighborhood was white trash. I remember in first grade, I went over to this dude, Darren, and we used to play football together. Darren, Darren lived on that street. And he was with a chick. And I just went up with my ball. I was like, yo, we playing football today? And he's like, buddy, I'm fingering a girl right now. My bad.

• 14:35Dax Shepard?

  In first grade?

• 14:36Speaker 02

  First grade.

• 14:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God. I hope she was in second grade at least.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  He had to be in like eighth grade. They were older. They were older. I'm sorry.

• 14:44Dax Shepard?

  Fellow first grader.

• 14:45Speaker 02

  Came out weird.

• 14:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I was like, oh, my God.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  When I said to someone, no, I was drinking with a bunch of minors. And they're like, what? And I was like, yeah, they were fucking fun. And they're like, where were you? I said, West Virginia.

• 14:56Dax Shepard?

  Coal miner.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's coal miners.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  What are you doing? Grew up in white trash. My dad gets this one client, promise a big money, buys a house for like, I don't even know, $130,000. In 82, that's a lot. It's big. Three bedrooms, office downstairs, on a lake, no pool.

• 15:13Dax Shepard?

  You add no pool.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  That was our pool.

• 15:15Dax Shepard?

  Gator pond.

• 15:15Speaker 02

  Dude, there are signs that you grew up in Florida, and it is you're hyper aware of gators and snakes. I've never once walked across my lawn and not watched where my feet land.

• 15:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  That's Florida. And I never have gotten in a fucking lake and just thought, this will be fun. As a kid, you go water skiing, you're like, feet up. I don't want to get eaten. It was terrifying.

• 15:32Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my mom will like that. I tell this story. She was water skiing in Florida as a Young twenty something year old. She saw alligators and then she fell and she was too terrified to let go of the tow rope and she was drug behind the boat so long that it gave her an enema and she shit her bathing suit. That's Florida water skiing for you right there.

• 15:53Speaker 02

  Public enema number one.

• 15:54Dax Shepard?

  You might shit yourself.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  God dang. Dude, Florida's so fucked up. I think Florida and Australia, the closest cousins you get in the world. Everything can kill you in Australia. The weakest people in the world, Germans.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Cause there's nothing scary there, you're saying.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Nothing. They don't even have wolves. In Australia, have you ever been to Australia?

• 16:11Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Especially in northern Australia. Every sign is written in English and in German because Germans have lived this carefree life with no snakes, no alligators. They have deer.

• 16:20Dax Shepard?

  Maybe a raccoon.

• 16:21Speaker 02

  Maybe. And so they go, this water looks fun. And then gators got him in its mouth.

• 16:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And they get the great whites. It's teeming with man killers down there.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  Fuck Australia, it's dangerous.

• 16:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it is. So as a car guy, the weird thing is I would go to Florida and everyone drove a Mustang notchback LX five liter. They were only sold in Florida. People always got a hatchback. I don't know why they all like that, but it was all kids living with their grandparents because their parents had kicked them out. I mean, there's a huge contingency of people just living with their grandparents, which is a wild group. Were you running into that a lot?

• 16:54Speaker 02

  I was not.

• 16:55Dax Shepard?

  That's more central Florida?

• 16:56Speaker 02

  No, that's more northern Florida.

• 16:58Dax Shepard?

  Okay, like Orlandoy?

• 16:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, like Ocala.

• 17:01Dax Shepard?

  I was in Seabreeze a lot.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  So that's southwest coast, Florida.

• 17:04Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 17:04Speaker 02

  Southwest.

• 17:05Dax Shepard?

  No, it's central midstate. We'd fly into Orlando. You're not watching this, that won't be entertaining, but the look Monica just gave me, anytime I talk about geography, which I can't resist.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Fourteen minutes of trying to figure out.

• 17:20Dax Shepard?

  Flying fuck where Seabreeze Florida is. And she's right.

• 17:23Speaker 01

  No one.

• 17:23Dax Shepard?

  But we care.

• 17:24Speaker 02

  I just said this to someone the other day, the best geography joke ever was Homer Simpson. He goes, who cares about Canada? All tucked away down there.

• 17:32Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. Back to Tampa. Dad has this client now. That's all we can say about that because I would certainly need to know more. I read that book Going Clear and him floating around on a fucking boat.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  Dance around it.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  Things that seem interesting in your life are just your life and you're like, I don't really remember. All I know is that we got into move into a nice house in a nicer neighborhood based on the client and then the client allegedly just kind of bounced. And then we had a house with no furniture in it.

• 17:59Dax Shepard?

  But from the street, you guys look like you're.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  It looked like we were killing it. But if you walked in our house, you're like, oh, did you just move in? You're like, no, we've been here a year and a half.

• 18:06Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 18:06Speaker 01

  And did you have a complex around that?

• 18:08Speaker 02

  No, it's weird what doesn't bother me. And then it's weird what bothers me.

• 18:13Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, what bothers you? Because you seem to have a very thick skin and you're very self deprecating. So it's hard to know what would trigger you.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  I'm extremely sensitive. I'll give you a perfect example. When I talk shit about you on Two Bears.

• 18:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, right.

• 18:25Speaker 02

  And then I heard that it came to you. I got really upset about.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  Wait, I don't know this. We are definitely talking.

• 18:30Dax Shepard?

  Well, quite simply, I had been told in comments that I got made fun of on Two Bears by Bert.

• 18:37Speaker 02

  It was just Tom lights me up and pokes me. And I like talking wild on a podcast. It's part of being on a podcast. And he's like, Dax Shepard is fucking killing it. Maybe I'll get him on here as a guest bear. And I was like, fuck Dax Shepard. He was like, what? And I go, dude, he just started podcasting last week and it's the number one podcast in the world?

• 18:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's all very legit.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  I've been doing this for nine fucking years.

• 18:55Dax Shepard?

  What's funny is I'm aware of that. I come to expect that. But then somehow I see a video of Bert telling a story where he said, I feel really bad that I made fun of Dax Shepard. And he did this incredible thing, which he sent me merch, which I didn't do, but an armchair he did.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  Wait, what?

• 19:11Dax Shepard?

  Someone sent him our merch.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  Oh, our merch?

• 19:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And he thought it was from me. And he was like, oh, what a cool.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  It destroyed me. It was during the pandemic and I got it in my P O box. And I was like, oh, my God. And here's the thing. I am like a day one ride or die for Dax. For real? When Punk came out, first of all, I know I told you this. He looks like my best friend growing up, Ryan Valerius. When he came on there, he even looked more like him then. And I was like, that's my fucking guy. You expect your movie stars to just stay movie stars and not get in your lane? And when they get in your lane, you're like, dude, you're already a fucking movie star. You're already married to a fucking movie star.

• 19:41Dax Shepard?

  I totally understand. And I would be fucking annoyed. And then we hashed this all out on his show and it was lovely.

• 19:47Speaker 02

  I've done that to a few people. And so when it happens to me, I understand it more.

• 19:50Dax Shepard?

  It's helpful, right? When you go like, all right, it's the same thing I did. I don't even mean it. They probably don't mean it all.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  You're looking for a funny take like I went off on alcoholism. I went off on people who quit drinking.

• 20:00Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Oh, sure, sure.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Did you hear this?

• 20:02Dax Shepard?

  No, no.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  It was bad. Anyone in the program got really upset with me.

• 20:05Dax Shepard?

  What were your points?

• 20:06Speaker 02

  My point was, if you're thinking about quitting drinking, don't. It's not the alcohol, it's you. So have a drink and let's figure this out.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Let's talk it out over drinks.

• 20:16Speaker 02

  My whole point was, I know so many people who have quit drinking but didn't fix the problem.

• 20:22Speaker 01

  I agree with you there.

• 20:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  I go, let's not say it's alcohol. Let's say it's you. And it was just to make Tom laugh and I got lit up by friends in the program.

• 20:29Dax Shepard?

  Listen, I'm so pro drinking. I'm so pro drugs. Everyone that can do it should be doing it as much as they can.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  I'm doing it tonight. I gotta shoot something tomorrow. And I was like, I don't want to look bloated. And then I was like, I already look bloated. People are gonna recognize me if I'm not bloated.

• 20:42Dax Shepard?

  Kind of bloated and a lot of bloated.

• 20:44Speaker 01

  I have to drink to keep up my personality.

• 20:46Dax Shepard?

  But what I would say about that point is simply to address the you that is the problem, which I would agree with. It's best to do that not drunk. You're not the most objective version of yourself when you're trying to do some self analysis is when you're feeling very confident and better looking than you are.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  We were in Orlando and I had tied one on really heavy the night before and we had to do a podcast at 8am. And I sat down and I was off. I go, I need a six pack. And Tom's like, what are we doing here, buddy? And I was like, you know, fuck you. This is before the podcast. He's like, what? And I go, bring it up. Say something. I dare you. And then they bring in a thing and he goes, we think maybe it's a little early to have a beer. You know what? And then I went on this rant and then a few people that I really care about that are in recovery reached out really upset and that bothered me. And then it went viral and I was like, nah, fuck you.

• 21:30Dax Shepard?

  I would have never ashamed you for it.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Danny Trejo stood by me. He's like, yeah, you gotta fix the problem in you. It's not the booze. And if it's not that, it's gonna be jerking off or sex.

• 21:37Dax Shepard?

  Well, just talk to anyone in their first year of sobriety. They're either fucking nonstop. They've started online gambling or something.

• 21:44Speaker 02

  The best feeling in the world is gambling.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  Oh, scary.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  The heart race. Where you've had to battle it or no? No, no, no, no. Just when you got the nuts, your cards are on the table and another card lands and it's your card and you don't know what he has in your heart. Nothing in the world would I trade for that moment? I remember my number's 11. I always put money on 11. During the pandemic, I was in a casino. I put a hundred dollars on 11. Lady had a mask on, all eye contact, spins it, she's watching it. It hits 11 and I watch her eyes dart and me and her and that feeling of hitting 11. And I've had two children better than the birds of each of them. It felt so good. I split it with her. Oh, beautiful. So that's a $3,600 payout? Yeah, and I should never have split it with her because she doesn't get it. It goes to the fucking house. No, they get their tips. No, she puts it in the bucket. We're gonna fact check that. They gotta get their tips.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  It's like if you gave money to a homeless guy on the side of the road and he goes, yeah, I'm gonna split it with all of us. You know, ugh. Well. I want you to have it.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  I get that.

• 22:38Speaker 02

  First of all, what scenario do you just pay? There's no way any dude is like, I'm sharing it with all these people. I used to do a thing called waitstaff raffle. I just did it as a lark. It was the first time I ever sold out a show. So very beginning of me starting to sell tickets and there was a snowstorm and I got bonus $100. Or maybe it was more, but I had a hundred dollars in my set. I'm gonna give it to the whole staff. And then I realized, well, it's only 10 bucks a person. It doesn't seem that big. And then I said, I'm gonna give it to one person. That's the thing I look for in life. If I'm addicted to anything, it's the sparkle of a moment. The sensation when you go, for me? You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I said, you know what I'll do? And I got on stage and I said, here's the deal. This waitstaff, they've been busting their ass and they're gonna probably walk with maybe 120 bucks tonight, which is good money, but we can make one of them really feel the moment.

• 23:22Speaker 02

  So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna pass around my hat and just put in whatever you have. Don't take it away from your tip. Just if you got like 10 or 20, just throw it in. Five bucks is fine. And I'm gonna put a hundred dollars in. And we got $700 that night.

• 23:34Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  And we pulled a name out of all the waitstaff. Oh, this is so fun. One girl came up on stage, starts crying. This is a fucking powerful moment. I don't know if you'll get it as much as me because you never a poor dad, but she said, I get to buy the nice car seat now.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  As a poor dad, I remember going to Target with Leanne when we were broke, looking at car seats and you'd see the good car seat and you're, this is my baby's life and I get Get the cheaper one because I'm a fuck up.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  That's a lot.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Wait, it gets better. You ready for this one? And you can find this one online. So I start doing it and it's fun. And I tell him, I said, we'll do it every show. Five of you will walk away with like a thousand bucks a night extra. And they loved it. And then we were in Louisville, Kentucky. Last show on Sunday. And we've been doing it the whole week. And I pull a name, I go, Kevin, you don't want dudes to win.

• 24:17Dax Shepard?

  You don't want a guy to win. Yeah, there's already a pay gap. Just go make some money.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  And he's black. You don't want black dudes to win.

• 24:22Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  You don't want black dudes to win.

• 24:24Dax Shepard?

  I disagree now.

• 24:24Speaker 02

  You're talking to a pro. I put my 10,000 hours and I'll tell you why.

• 24:27Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  Black guys have a hard time with vulnerability. They try to be funny. They're not going to share like a white chick or a black chick will share. Black guys are a little standoffish. But it's Kevin, I go, Kevin. And I improved 100% wrong.

• 24:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I had a hunch that you were not on firm ground with this opinion.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:44Speaker 01

  I know, it's like, oh, God.

• 24:45Speaker 02

  I'm gonna keep the money. They've had enough.

• 24:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, they've been handed everything.

• 24:50Dax Shepard?

  Fucking born on third base.

• 24:53Speaker 02

  I bring him up on stage and he is trying to hold it together. And he's like, good looking out. Thank you. You can find the video online. I'm going to over exaggerate for you listening because I want you to feel it. But you can watch it and it is just as moving. And I go, Kevin, you seem a little emotional. And he goes, no. Oh, I'm going to get emotional telling you this. I said, buddy, I'm looking at you. What's going on? And he goes, no, I'm good. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. And I said, what are you going to do with this money? And he said, Saturday is my daughter's birthday. Now I get to throw her the party she wanted. And I get to be the dad she thinks I am.

• 25:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, fuck.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Stands up, walks a hundred dollars. Get that for your daughter. The whole fucking room starts throwing money at fucking. My God, fucking make it rain. It was awesome. We had wild moments doing that. That's what I love in life.

• 25:44Dax Shepard?

  Oh, for sure. Okay, we must get to how you're here. So Tampa Jesuit school shocker to me.

• 25:51Speaker 02

  Loved it, divine me.

• 25:52Dax Shepard?

  You describe yourself as a dumb dumb all the time. It's kind of part of your onstage persona. You can't get to a Jesuit school and be a dumb dumb. They specialize in making people very critical thinkers, challenging of opinions.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  You'd be shocked at how many dumb dums are in my phone right now.

• 26:06Dax Shepard?

  That are all Jesuit graduates.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  The funniest dudes ever. My group of friends in high school, without a doubt, were the funniest individuals I've ever known in my life.

• 26:17Dax Shepard?

  So then you go to Florida State, and this is important. You're there for how many years? Six or seven?

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Six and a half.

• 26:23Dax Shepard?

  Year six of his enrollment at Florida State. Rolling Stone is in search of the biggest party school. They do an article and they crowned Burt the hardest partying guy at the hardest party in school.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  That's a crown.

• 26:37Dax Shepard?

  And you kind of have a moment of celebrity all of a sudden in your sixth year.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  It's the best. It's my first taste of celebrity. I'll tell you, it was intoxicating.

• 26:46Dax Shepard?

  And clearly every kid on that campus read that article. It's going to be the biggest news possible that they got crowned that.

• 26:52Speaker 02

  Everyone did. So it was a different time then. I think the Real World and Road Rules was around, but celebrity wasn't as attainable as it is now. Overnight, it changed my life. Every publication wanted to write about me. There were like these tabloid news shows that would happen at like five o'clock in the afternoon. The American Journal, they all flew down. They spent time with me. Oprah wanted me and my parents to do it. Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life. Stop. I met Oliver Stone.

• 27:16Dax Shepard?

  This is the most bizarre.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  This is. It's the craziest set of life experiences you could ever imagine having, especially as like a 25 year old kid. I had no plans for anything. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was figuring I'll move to Aspen and just try to work on a ski lift or something, live with my friends. And then this happens. I still didn't know what to do with it. And in the article, I'd said I wanted to do stand up. This radio show was like, yo, we'll let you do stand up. Now they were doing it to watch me fail. And then they'd have content for Monday. They put me last on the list of four professional touring comics at a place called Pop Bellies, still there. I just went there the other day in Tallahassee and I did 20 minutes and it was stream of consciousness.

• 27:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 27:52Speaker 02

  I had nothing written.

• 27:53Dax Shepard?

  Was the house packed with your now devotees from campus?

• 27:57Speaker 02

  No one would have been there if it wasn't me. It was all friends. I was in a group called Scalp Hunters, which were the heads of all of the attorneys. So all of the attorneys were there. I was with my dad when I did the Emily Arena in Tampa and Derek Brooks. You know Derek? Brooks is a Hall of Famer, played for the Bucks, played at Florida State. He says to my dad, he goes, it's amazing to see where he's at now from where he started. My dad goes, huh? And Derek goes, I was at a show at Pop Bellies. I was like, shit. So yeah, it was crazy. But I did great. Radio show offered me a gig on their show. They're like, we thought you'd bomb. Why don't you come in, do third mic?

• 28:25Dax Shepard?

  Wow. This is nuts because normally you're chasing fame and it takes forever. And then you maybe get it or you don't. Fame found you. You're like, oh, I like this. How on earth do I keep this going?

• 28:37Speaker 02

  This sounds shallow. I don't know why, but when you're just like an average looking dude, you become funny so people pay attention to you. And then when you're funny, people pay attention to you. But the thing you were looking for is what good looking guys have where people are like, what's that guy's name? I was never the guy where if you're with a group of girls, they're like, do you know who we have to set Jennifer up with? And you'd be like, please say my name, please say my name. And they'd be like, Derek, he is hilarious. I'm like, Derek does fucking impressions of Ace Ventura. He's not fucking funny. And so then I remember eating at a Blimpies and these hot girls were staring at me.

• 29:05Speaker 01

  Perfect location for this story.

• 29:08Dax Shepard?

  Pop Bellies is the first fucking stand up.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  My mom was obsessed with Blimpies.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Oh, Blimpies subs are fucking legit.

• 29:14Speaker 01

  But I'm from Georgia. That's why.

• 29:16Speaker 02

  Duluth.

• 29:16Speaker 01

  Exactly. Nice.

• 29:18Speaker 02

  My wife's from Georgia.

• 29:19Speaker 01

  What part?

• 29:19Speaker 02

  Bowdoin. It's a really small redneck town. Sorry, anyone from Bowdoin listening.

• 29:23Speaker 01

  No, shout out.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Fame felt good.

• 29:25Dax Shepard?

  Well, the gals were staring at you. Did they talk to you?

• 29:27Speaker 02

  Came over, sat down with us. It filled holes that I didn't know I had, but I knew were there.

• 29:32Dax Shepard?

  Dude, we all want to be the gorgeous quarterback of the football team. We want to know what it's like to just walk down the hall and people turn and they look at you.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  If a girl said she wanted to have sex with me, and this happened a couple of times, especially in college, my initial thought was what's wrong with her? Because I go, that doesn't happen to me.

• 29:49Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, something's weird about this.

• 29:50Speaker 02

  I mean, it was the craziest and the access you had to life. I remember ESPN sent two young actors down to hang out with me, shoot a commercial and party. One of those actors was Johnny Knoxville.

• 30:00Dax Shepard?

  Oh, come on.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  And this is like insane stories. The things that have happened to me in life just shouldn't track. And we partied. He showed me can't kill yourself videos of them trying to break beer bottles on their head. And we took pills, we drank, he threw himself down a flight of stairs. We ended up dressed as women.

• 30:14Speaker 01

  The original content house.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  It was everything you wanted.

• 30:17Dax Shepard?

  You were a member of Jackass for a night.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  It's probably five years before Jackass. I know this sounds fake. Johnny knows this is real. He was writing articles for Big Brother at the time and he pitched me Jackass in his kitchen.

• 30:28Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 30:28Speaker 02

  Anyway, it filled holes. And so I moved to New York going like, the fame shit's for me.

• 30:33Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 30:33Speaker 02

  How do I get more of this? And I got a job at the Boston Comedy Club, working the door to get stay time. And I sucked. And I was like, okay, hold on.

• 30:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, no friends there.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  And it looked like fame all of a sudden was really fading quickly. You know those pictures of Michael J. Fox and his brothers and sisters where they like start disappearing?

• 30:50Dax Shepard?

  Oh, and Back to the Future.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  The Future, yeah. It was just a picture of my head. Everything was gone. I was like, yo, if I don't get famous quick.

• 30:55Dax Shepard?

  You realize you were on minute seventeen.

• 30:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:58Dax Shepard?

  Of the fifteen minutes.

• 30:59Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 30:59Dax Shepard?

  You're like, oh.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  I mean, I auditioned for MTV's Who Wants to be a VJ? Do you remember that?

• 31:04Dax Shepard?

  Sure, sure, yeah.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  With Dave Holmes and Jesse. And then I started getting good at stand up quicker than I should have.

• 31:10Dax Shepard?

  Well, let's talk about your dad, though. One second, because I know this part from when I was on your show. Your dad lets you have it at one point.

• 31:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:17Dax Shepard?

  This to me on the surface sounds like the wrong approach, but it really worked for you. Tell Monty what happened.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  On my twenty-sixth birthday, I woke up, no air conditioner, in New York, on a leather couch, hungover as shit. It's probably nine thirty. And the phone rings. It's my dad. I look caller ID. He probably just wants to wish me happy birthday. I'll let him do it and I'll go back to sleep. I was like, hey, what's up? He was like, you are a tremendous piece of shit. And I was like, what? He goes, I just perjured myself in court. I have never perjured myself. The judge said, Mr. Kreischer, how's your son doing in New York? And I said, fantastic, Your Honor. That's a lie. You have no humility. You are a fucking party boy. You have nothing. You don't deserve what you have. He really broke me off. Now I'm sitting up sweating still. I go, it's my birthday.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. Daddy. Fair response.

• 32:03Dax Shepard?

  Daddy.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  And he goes, I don't know what fucking day it is. Are you fucking kidding me? That's why I'm calling you. I remember saying, well, how do I fix it? And he goes, you can't. He goes, I fucked up and it's my problem. I'll deal with it. I'll help you out. We'll figure this out together, but just have fun. Be a party boy. And I was like, hold on.

• 32:17Dax Shepard?

  Oh, even worse. He's resigned.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  And by the way, he wasn't doing the fake thing of like.

• 32:21Dax Shepard?

  It wasn't reverse psychology.

• 32:23Speaker 02

  Run away, stupid dog.

• 32:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 01

  He had like given up completely.

• 32:25Dax Shepard?

  You're a fucking mulligan. You're gonna be a failure forever. Let's game plan that.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was like, Dad, stop for real. I want to fix this. And he goes, you don't have the skills to fix it. What you need is humility. That is what you don't have. You're too proud to do what someone that wants something will do. And he goes, it's my fault. You should have worked in warehouses. You should have done the hard work. You didn't do it. So I fucked up. And I was like, hang on, this is like a rough one. I remember my sisters laughed out loud, but I told him, I go, tell me what I need to do. And he goes, if you want my advice tonight, you go to that comedy club you go to and you ask for a job. You tell them you'll do anything. You'll mop the floors. And I go, okay, I can't do it tonight because I have a birthday party planned.

• 33:02Dax Shepard?

  One more day is a piece of shit, please.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Party on the plane?

• 33:07Dax Shepard?

  I already bought some. Can I get through that? We'll go to treatment after.

• 33:10Speaker 02

  He goes, you don't deserve a party.

• 33:15Speaker 02

  What are you celebrating? My sisters are like, that's so dad right there. And he goes, you've got nothing. You're a piece of shit.

• 33:21Dax Shepard?

  That article was 20 months ago.

• 33:23Speaker 02

  It was. And I said, okay, I'll do what you said. What if they say no? And he goes, it doesn't matter. You just fucking go. So I went to the club, one of this guy Louis Shaffer, I say, hey, my name is Bert Kreischer. And he goes, I know who you are. And I said, I would like a job. I'd like the opportunity to do stand up. I came to be a stand up. I'll clean up, I'll mop up, I'll put chairs out, I'll do whatever you want. And he said, can I give you my advice? And I said, sure. He said, move back to Florida. I was like, cool. So I went to the Baguette Inn, had a drink, went down to McDougal House, met my friends, celebrated my party, woke up the next day, called my dad. And I was like, didn't work. And he goes, perfect. You show up again tonight, you say the same thing. And if he stops you, you say, here's the deal, buddy. I'm looking for an opportunity and I'm going to keep asking you this question every single night for the rest of your God given life until you give me an opportunity.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  So I go, Dad, I'm gonna look like a fool. He goes, no, no, no. He goes, I want you to think about a young black kid in Harlem who doesn't have evidence being given to you. And think how hard he's going to fight for that opportunity. So you think how lucky you are. So I walked in the next night. I was like, hey, Louis Shaffer, my name is Bert Kreischer. And he goes, can I tell you to move back to Florida? I go, hey, man, here's the deal, okay? My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. I was supposed to have a party. I didn't even really get to have a party.

• 34:26Dax Shepard?

  It was easier in college.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  This seems so much easier when it was given to me.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  And he said, I'll put you out front and you bark. If you can bring in 20 people, I'll give you 20 bucks. I'll give you a dollar for everyone you bring in and I'll put you on at the end of the night. And I went, deal.

• 34:44Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8. Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the Grill Master throws a fresh patty down.

• 35:28Dax Shepard?

  That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern, so every single bite gets cheese. And two pickles side by side, so you're never in a pickle desert. Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.

• 35:51Speaker 01

  Me too. That's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.

• 36:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.

• 36:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm not surprised.

• 36:09Dax Shepard?

  The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only. Only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. We get support from no bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post-summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  That's when you really need to ground yourself.

• 36:37Dax Shepard?

  Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps.

• 37:08Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 37:09Dax Shepard?

  Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.

• 37:14Speaker 01

  And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.

• 37:19Dax Shepard?

  And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.

• 37:27Speaker 01

  They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of the closet.

• 37:36Dax Shepard?

  Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobolproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.

• 37:47Speaker 01

  Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything? Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.

• 37:58Dax Shepard?

  It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.

• 38:09Speaker 01

  That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast. It took me like two minutes and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip. It's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds.

• 38:26Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 38:26Speaker 01

  Recently.

• 38:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 01

  That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it. And I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.

• 38:31Dax Shepard?

  Temperature was all over the map.

• 38:33Speaker 01

  It was a mess. I need a new one.

• 38:34Dax Shepard?

  Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired, and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic. The experts agree.

• 38:56Dax Shepard?

  Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair. We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession. I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set, looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season. Because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate, be cozy.

• 39:49Dax Shepard?

  It's so great how Skims has sets for everyone, too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the Organic Cotton Sleep Long Sleeve Set.

• 40:06Dax Shepard?

  Okay, tell me more.

• 40:07Speaker 01

  It is so comfortable, very chic, too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multi-purpose this and look super cute.

• 40:19Dax Shepard?

  Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.

• 40:28Speaker 01

  All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select Podcast in the survey and be sure to select Armchair Expert in the dropdown menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.

• 40:53Speaker 02

  If you're a comedy fan, this is fascinating. Two things happened that night. Patrice O'Neal, Rich Voss, Jim Norton, and I think Bobby Kelly were standing on the side of the street. Do you know Patrice O'Neal? I know Patrice. Patrice was catcalling women. Now, I'm working the street and I don't know these guys at all. And I said, I can't believe you think that would work. Cause I've never seen a catcall, cause I grew up in Florida. It's about foot traffic. We don't have that. Yeah. Right. And so he goes, shut the fuck up. And I was like, that's not how you'd hit on a woman. It sounds aggressive. He's like, what would you do? And a beautiful woman, probably 35. And I had to talk to her anyway, cause I tried to get her to club. I said, you look tired. Why don't I take you out and I'll buy you a glass of wine. I'll listen to your day. And she went, I'm okay. And they made fun of me. Yeah, yeah. She heard them make fun of me and she came back. She goes, you know what? I'll take you up on that glass of wine.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  And I looked at her and I went, I can't.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  No, I go, I just got my dream job. My dad called me a piece of shit yesterday. Everything's working out. I can't throw it away for you. And I went, I can't. And she went, for real? And I went, no. And she walked away and I went, fuck. Louis Shaver's like, you got a job. He's like, you come every night, we'll put you up. Six months later, Will Smith discovered me, gave me a development deal and I moved out here. Holy shit. I'm sorry to run my own interview, but I'll tell you the thing that I think's interesting in this. Now I'm on the track to fame. Development deal, hanging out with Will Smith all the time. He's introducing me to everyone as his guy. I'm like, fame's right there. It's gonna happen again. I get a TV show, the FX X show, and I'm on TV every night. Things are happening. I'm meeting Sammy Hagar and Slash and I'm meeting famous people. And one day I'm sitting in my car on the corner of Franklin by Vine kinda? Beautiful winter day in LA in the morning.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  I'm driving the set, I have a Jason Williams jersey on. White chocolate Jason Williams? Fuck yeah, when he played for the Kings. Yeah, yeah. I'm in my expedition. Eddie Bauer, I'm listening to Ja Rule. Oh, fuck yeah. Don't, don't, don't. And I'm like, this is it. And I go, I thought I'd be happier. I guess it wasn't fame. I've got all the things I want. I have a development deal at Fox that's ending. I have one that's starting up again at CBS. I have a TV show. I'm doing everything I've ever wanted to do. You're still doing standups throughout this? No. And so I lose it all. Meet Leanne, fall in love. What do you mean you lose it all? Fired, it just goes away. Shows aren't hits. What age was that? Twenty seven is that day and then I immediately end at twenty nine. Now, from twenty seven to twenty nine, I get back into stand up really aggressively.

• 43:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're like, this is what brought me to the party the first time.

• 43:08Speaker 02

  The lesson my dad gave me about humility, it was the biggest thing that ever helped because I was cool with sucking my pride in. I called up the improv and I've been on television shows. There's cachet for a comedy club and then Aaron's like, yeah, I can't really just give you spots. But if you want, I'll let you host. Hosting in L A is frowned upon. Back in the day it was.

• 43:25Dax Shepard?

  Meaning that's not what a real comedian does.

• 43:27Speaker 02

  The first time I did it, my wife brought her best friend and a few friends. And her best friend said in front of everyone, I didn't know you were gonna host. Let us know when you do stand up next time. Oh. Yeah, I was like, okay.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  And I started hosting, this is what I gotta do, this is what I gotta do. And I just kind of worked my way back up. And then I got an opportunity to host in Ontario, which was a bigger opportunity. And then I met a couple of guys and then I started touring and going out on the road and everything was going great, but not making any money. Seven hundred bucks a week, you gotta pay managers and agents and you gotta pay for travel and sometimes lodging. It's gone. It's on. But then I married Leanne and we were broke, so broke, I didn't know we were broke. One day she sent me to the store to get milk and I got a gallon of milk and I bought a tall boy at Foster's. I was listening to Spoon, that's the way we'll get by. And I was on my skateboard and I was skating and we lived on Detroit Street and I was the happiest I'd ever been. This is fucking it, broke, no fame, but in the throes of stand up, so good at stand up at that time.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  Two kids, my wife worked for the buildings, we had a great apartment and I had a tall boy at Foster's and I was like, Leanne might be pissed that I bought beer with whatever money she sent me to the store with.

• 44:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  And Leanne happened to be watching me skate home. When I got upstairs, she was like, don't ever lose whoever just walked in that door. I was like, yeah, that's what you want. The fame wasn't the thing and I didn't know that. It was the work. Doing stand up was the thing I loved. Yeah, purpose. The purpose. Now, listen, I am famous now and I fucking love it. Access to anything is good.

• 44:52Dax Shepard?

  I would argue to your particular version of fame is really fun because you're a good time Charlie. You're like a turnkey. When you show up, people are like, oh, we're partying. That's the association.

• 45:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:04Dax Shepard?

  So generally when people see you, they're fucking pumped to have a good time.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  I love to have a good time.

• 45:08Dax Shepard?

  When does this? Stand up take off where you're headlining and you're starting to make good money.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  I worked for Travel Channel for like eight years.

• 45:15Dax Shepard?

  You would go to amusement parks and stuff. You would go on thrill rides. You jumped off the stratosphere and you're afraid of all this stuff.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:21Dax Shepard?

  Eight years.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  I did that for three years and then I did another show called Trip Flip for four years. I was also a little bit of like a rover for them. They needed someone to do something. They could plug me in. I was always good with ad sales. I could help sell Carnival Cruises and then they go, let's just do a show about Carnival Cruises. We got money from Carnival Cruises. I got fired from that.

• 45:38Dax Shepard?

  For a specific reason or just it ran its course?

• 45:40Speaker 02

  No, it just ran its course. I was like, I would sign deals. My lady always says, don't say fired, but that's what it feels like.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  They just didn't renew your deal.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  The lady called me and she was like, hey, I think we're done working with you. We're not going to renew your deal. She had never worked with me. She was a new president. She was like, so, uh, good luck. Really cold. I could take back one conversation in the world. It would be that one. So I was like, okay, but you don't want to work with anyone. Like I was just so needy.

• 46:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, scared.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  My Showtime special was coming out. This is 2016.

• 46:05Dax Shepard?

  The Machine.

• 46:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:06Dax Shepard?

  That's the game changer, yeah?

• 46:07Speaker 02

  Not yet. Here's what happened. I had the deal over at NBC. I lose interest in that. I'm kind of going through, I guess what is depression? I find out, I mean, I don't know what depression feels like for real people, but my thing of it where it just sucks a little bit.

• 46:18Dax Shepard?

  You went down to a 7.5 for a couple of weeks?

• 46:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. I was spending longer on the toilet than I normally do.

• 46:24Dax Shepard?

  I was only able to sleep nine hours uninterrupted last night.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  I put a lot of chips in this special, The Machine. I was like, this is going to pop. They told me when I shot it, they're like, hey, can we do one version with your shirt on?

• 46:37Dax Shepard?

  When did that start? You doing stand up with your shirt off?

• 46:40Speaker 02

  I couldn't tell you exactly. I would say probably 12 years ago. I was in Dayton, Ohio. It was not a sold room. It was like 75 people and I was like, this is not where I want to be in life, let alone this actual place. And Doc brought me a six pack of beer in a bucket and he's like, have fun tonight. I heard it as fucking good luck. And I thought, man, these people paid money. They don't deserve to see me get upset and say, I'm not happy. So I got on stage and Doc was in the booth. He was playing Ram Jam, Black Betty.

• 47:06Dax Shepard?

  I owe my money. Hell, hell, hell, Black Betty.

• 47:09Speaker 02

  The pacing to walk the stage is pretty awesome and it fired me up and I got up there and I went, fuck this. And I ripped my shirt off. 75 people went nuts. I think I murdered six beers in a row, back to back to back to back to back. Kept looking at Doc. I go one more and the place was like, yeah. And it was a Thursday night, one show. You were like Steve Austin, stone cold. That energy and it started that night. I've been doing it ever since. It's so weird how you can stumble into these things that are such signature. I do the Showtime special shirtless. This is back when changing a channel was a thing. For anyone listening, there's a thing you hold in your hand and there's a plus and a minus sign. And you decide to go up a channel or down a channel if you didn't like what you saw. And mostly you spent the entire two hours flicking. You never even watched a whole thing. This is the difference in media. Not to get too heady on this.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  When you had that remote in your hand, you were Caesar. You were thumbs up, thumbs down. So now the thing in traditional media where you have the remote in your hand and you're Caesar and a guy shirtless comes on stage and you go, oh, fuck that click is the exact opposite on the internet. You see a guy with your shirt off and you go, wait, what's that? And so I shot the machine, lowest special they'd ever had on Showtime. Oh no, they told you that? How did you even find that out? They told us and they were like, you know, you could help to remote it. I was like, huh? And like it's tracking to be the lowest we've ever done. I heard someone say this at the Oscars, success in Hollywood means I get to work again. I get to keep working. But this meant I might not keep working. Last special you'll ever have. Now I look at my tour dates and I have no tickets sold and then like, you know, you gotta fix this somehow.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  And I was like, oh my God. Now, at the time I was supposed to do a tour with Tommy. It was fun or die. I was supposed to do four weekends. Sebastian, Tommy, Fluffy, Dane, I think was on Eliza. It was gonna be fun. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend, which isn't bad money. And then they pulled my weekends and I told Tom and I was like, this is so crazy, man. They pulled my weekends. And he was like, holy shit, man. That's a lot of money. And I went, well, it's only like $2,000. He goes, $2,000 a show? I said, no, $2,000 for the weekend. And he goes, no, I think you got that wrong. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? Oh no. With boys, right? Yeah. And I was like, I don't know if I want to tell you. And I was like, why? And he goes, I'm afraid it'll fuck up our friendship. So I'm sitting there in my man cave. I'm like, all right, give me a second. I go, can I be happy for this man's success? And what's the price point where I can be happy?

• 49:17Speaker 02

  And where's the price point where I'm gonna be like, okay, fuck that guy? Yeah. So in my head, I go, if he's getting $20,000 for the weekend, I'm happy for him. I said, what are you getting? And he goes, I'm getting $20,000. I went, cool. And he goes, a show. A show, a fucking show. You're making 80 grand on these weekends? And he was like, I told you, I'm gonna tell you. But I was like, I already decided we're friends. So I'm like, okay, I'm cool.

• 49:40Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 49:40Speaker 02

  But then in that time, we're doing a little podcast called Rogan, which at the time is not what it is today.

• 49:46Dax Shepard?

  Meaning you are appearing on it.

• 49:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. And Rogan loves that we're fat shaming. So Tom and I go on, we talk about the fat shaming. He goes, why don't we do weigh-ins at the end of the year? January 1st, 2nd and 3rd, we'll do three sets of weigh-ins. That's three episodes of Rogan, back to back to back, where people are tuning in because we've talked about it. You guys do the weight loss challenge. See who loses the most weight in December. So I'm like, okay, my special bombed. So I'm trying to figure out how to rebound. I go, I know how to edit. I get the raw file of my special and I edit out four clips to post on Facebook, Twitter. I've learned it all. I've learned how to make graphics. I write my own graphics. I post the machine story, December 27th. Me and Tom go in to do weight loss challenges on the first and second. And during that week, the machine story goes viral.

• 50:28Speaker 02

  I'd never experienced anything like it. And that first week in Jersey at the Stress Factory, Weight Staff Raffle, that was the first club I sold out. And I said to them on Saturday night, I go, why are you guys here? And someone goes, the fucking machine. And I go, I retired that. And he goes, the fuck you did? Tell it. That's the only reason we're here.

• 50:45Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  So I told the machine at that moment, 2017, that first weekend, January 8th, 9th, 10th, I've sold out every show I've ever done.

• 50:52Dax Shepard?

  God, it's only eight years ago.

• 50:54Speaker 02

  I got it late in life, which is the best thing that can happen.

• 50:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, because you're so rich now. You're so rich.

• 51:00Speaker 02

  You can Google it.

• 51:02Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so really quick, I want to know, so you've since done, I guess, five stand-up specials. This will be your fourth on Netflix. You had the Showtime one, you had a couple on Comedy Central. Last year when you toured, did you do a full tour last year?

• 51:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. Last year was my arena tour.

• 51:16Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so how many dates did you do?

• 51:18Speaker 02

  I don't know. I do more dates than the average comic, which is fascinating because if you look at when they post all our earnings, you know, top 10 most earning comics.

• 51:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  You look where I am and you're like, wow, that's impressive. But then when you look at the other comics and you're like, oh, she's telling you did 13 dates. That's not that impressive. That's the thing. It's like deceptive about those things.

• 51:36Dax Shepard?

  Who cares? You can get it anyway.

• 51:38Speaker 02

  Who cares? But I work a lot. I always do Wednesday. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, three weeks a month with maybe a week off. I would go out Wednesday, do first weekend.

• 51:47Dax Shepard?

  So do you fly to meet your tour bus?

• 51:49Speaker 02

  Fly to meet my tour bus.

• 51:50Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 51:50Speaker 02

  And then Monday I'd fly to go see Tommy and Austin. We do podcast Tuesday and then I leave Tuesday night to go meet the tour bus. I do another run. I then fly out to do more podcasts or fly back to do pocket and then go back out and meet my tour bus.

• 52:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 52:05Speaker 02

  Geez, this is a lot. When you don't have anything, not say I didn't have anything, but when you wanted the success, you wanted the fans, you wanted the opportunity to do stand up all over the country and have people show up. When it shows up, you're like, I am not letting go of this. I look at like NFL players and they have all their great years when they're 22, 23, 24.

• 52:23Dax Shepard?

  It's heartbreaking.

• 52:24Speaker 02

  I'm so lucky to have them at 49, 50, 51, 52, do a movie. And then you're getting all these opportunities that you just don't want to say no. You're like, fuck yeah, man, let's get after it.

• 52:33Dax Shepard?

  And you don't feel overwhelmed by all those commitments?

• 52:35Speaker 02

  Overshare.

• 52:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, please do.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  A year ago, we're closing out our festival and the girls and Leanne were like, cut the shit. If I'm not mistaken, I think they had a bed for me at Betty Ford. Those are hard to come by, by the way. Yeah. And had to talk with me, but they're like, dad, he can't stop working. He can't stop drinking. He can't stop eating. I was 285 pounds and I saw it in me first. And I said to myself, let me get through this tour and then I'm going to stop. I'm going to take some time off and I'm going to clean my lifestyle up and I'm going to still work. No booze, eat keto, lose weight. And what's crazy is randomly a friend of ours was going a little harder than I was. And he took that bed and no one said anything to me, but I had already quit drinking like 13 days before. Everyone was chomping at the bit to tell me, but I'd already got in front of it. And then I quit drinking for like three months. I lost 55 pounds.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  I got in really good shape and I started touring again and I was doing it in a very healthy manner. But what was happening was I've never really taken a break.

• 53:28Dax Shepard?

  Don't you think it's also dangerous when you have this thing to lean on, which is like something's working so well in your life? You're like, yeah, I'm drinking more than I should, but everything's going exactly how I would want. It's very hard to confront when everything's working.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  It's wildly difficult to tell someone that's bringing in millions of dollars.

• 53:47Dax Shepard?

  That what they're doing isn't working.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  Yeah. No one touches the goal. Golden Goose, even if the golden goose bites you in the dick a couple of times. But at the end of July, they were witnessing the same, I just shot my special. And they're like, what are you gonna do? Are you going back on the road? And I'd planned a European tour. And they're like, Dad, why don't you take some real time off? Get grounded. And I didn't understand that getting grounded meant getting really lost. In order to get grounded, you're gonna be scared. Yeah, with all the distractions gone and you have to sit with yourself. So I took a break and in taking a break, I was like, yo, I'm very fucked up. I need distractions. I need something in front of me. I need a goal. I need to sell some tickets. I gotta write a script. My wife's like, no, no, you're not doing anything. You can do podcasts, but that's it. I've been off in a ditch trying to figure myself out.

• 54:32Speaker 02

  And then just recently, we got that bench press competition. All of a sudden started writing, so I had a goal. I understood goals and I was like, cool. And then I had a show. By the way, you just have to set goals on the personal frontier. Like you can still be goal driven.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Just can't be externally motivated.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're all for me, the creative frontier. I can set goals creatively. But like personally, I go, I don't know, man. My wife and I got in couples therapy. That helped immensely. We're not having a problem. We did it because I'm home for the first time. Yeah, my girls are gone. It's me and her. We have a joke where when we wake up, instead of saying I love you, she just goes, you again, huh? And so couples therapy started really opening my eyes to some shit about me. I mean, I think she got me into couples therapy just to get me into therapy.

• 55:17Speaker 01

  I know a few women who've done that.

• 55:19Speaker 02

  He's not gonna go solo, so I guess I'll have to fucking sit through his session. Oh, dude, I smoked her on the first one. Fucking killed it. No, I smoked her.

• 55:28Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  She lost so bad. I look at it, win or lose.

• 55:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  Everything's competition. By the way, if she cries in couples therapy. That's a cheat. It's a fucking cheat. Pretending you're an unfair catch and then catching and run. I go, yo, if you cry, god damn it.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  No, that's your fault for not being able to sit through her crying.

• 55:47Speaker 02

  I said, this is kind of an unfair therapy because she's crying. She was unfair.

• 55:51Speaker 01

  That's my feeling.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  Oh, you want me to cry? Well, I can easily whip up some tears. Show me a commercial. Yeah, let me tell you about a Grateful Dead song. But on the first therapy, we were in there. Leanne just really loves therapy. She's talking and talking and I'm just trying to feel it out. And I went and said something and Leanne cut me off. And the lady goes, do you ever let him talk? And I was like, take the win. I was like, I'm just gonna sit back in the cut and I go, seldomly. You've been with me for what, an hour? And I might let you say a fucking word.

• 56:17Speaker 01

  So you were playing a game?

• 56:18Speaker 02

  She smoked me a couple of times.

• 56:19Speaker 01

  Okay, good.

• 56:20Speaker 02

  Sure. And I know this next week, I'm definitely gonna fucking lose. I'm going in just taking a knee.

• 56:25Dax Shepard?

  Cause she's got some real things to report.

• 56:29Speaker 01

  What'd you do?

• 56:30Speaker 02

  It was a good one. I can't even talk about it, cause I gotta let it happen first and then run it by Leanne. Cause it was a real one and it wasn't my fault, but I was like, I don't know.

• 56:39Dax Shepard?

  But it was.

• 56:40Speaker 02

  I really wish I could talk about it. I mean, we brought it up in front of friends the other day and it started again. And I went, oh, I was like, okay, maybe I can't make a joke out of this one. Can't make a joke out of everything. Like my daughter got her period. I talked about it on stage.

• 56:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. What is the vibe at home? Cause almost all your stories involve your wife and your girls and you do an impression of your wife. It varies wildly throughout the show and you acknowledge it. How comfortable are they? What's that dynamic like?

• 57:05Speaker 02

  It's interesting. When I started doing stand up and using social media, it wasn't a thing yet. There was no chance of your family seeing, no one was doing specials, just on the road, talking shit about your family.

• 57:15Dax Shepard?

  That's right.

• 57:15Speaker 02

  And the harder it went, the funnier it went. I remember telling the first joke I told that caught traction. George and Isla were laughing one morning, early in the morning. I said, what are you guys doing? They're like, you gotta see baby Isla's new trick. I go, what is it? She's like, it's not that funny. If I tell you, you gotta see it. I said, okay. So Isla is three at the time, takes her finger, shoves it up her ass and puts it in the dog's mouth.

• 57:34Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 57:35Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Wow. They figured that out.

• 57:37Speaker 02

  Turned into a good bit and I told it. And then by the way, I got to do a special. They're only like five and seven. Tell it again. They're not gonna hear it. And then do another one. And then they're seven and 10. And then they're 10 and 13. And the first time it bit me in the ass was the period party. I mean, it's like such a good bit. It writes itself. I didn't have to do anything. It was presented to me as a fucking banger on a silver platter. 13 years old kid gets her period at school, calls dad and says, hey, go to the store and get a red velvet cake. I'm throwing a period party tonight. I'm like, okay. So I tell it on Conan.

• 58:10Dax Shepard?

  Uh oh.

• 58:12Speaker 01

  She didn't like that.

• 58:13Dax Shepard?

  Well, anytime schoolmates can get wind of it, that's what you don't want them to have to deal with.

• 58:18Speaker 02

  Conan walks in and he's like, hey, man, how are the girls? I said, good, good. And I said, I just got a period. And he went, oh, I said, you're telling me? I go, we had a period party. And he's like, wait, what? And I tell him the story. He goes, well, well, well, save it. Can you tell it on stage? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause you're like, you want to do well.

• 58:31Dax Shepard?

  Yes. You want to make Conan happy.

• 58:33Speaker 02

  And then that night, I watched it. How are your girls? They're good. I just got a period. She had paused. She goes, do people watch this?

• 58:40Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, how many? I said, a lot. She was like, will people in my school see this? And I was like, yeah, probably. She was like, wait, let me see the rest. And then I was like, oh, my God, she was fine. I could tell something was off. And then the next morning, Leanne was like, I need you to see something. And it was a flood of emails of little girls going, thank you. You're my hero. Thank you so much for sharing.

• 59:01Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay. So it had a positive ending.

• 59:04Speaker 02

  I just got my period today. My dad's doing a period party for me.

• 59:08Dax Shepard?

  I put my finger in my ass and put it in the red velvet cake and then the dog ate it.

• 59:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's much worse than the period party.

• 59:14Dax Shepard?

  That's three.

• 59:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can get away with that.

• 59:16Speaker 02

  And then the last special, or maybe the one before, she had a line that I wanted to use so bad. It was so good.

• 59:22Dax Shepard?

  You ran it by her and she said no.

• 59:23Speaker 02

  I didn't even run it by her. She saw my set. The girls now come and vet my set.

• 59:27Dax Shepard?

  Oh, okay, okay.

• 59:28Speaker 01

  They've learned.

• 59:29Speaker 02

  They were at the forum with notebooks going nope. She was like, hey, you can't put that in the special. I go, but you said it. She goes, I know, but I said it to you. She goes, I can't be the person that said that out loud to everybody.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:37Speaker 02

  And I was like, baby, I'll give you 20 grand.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  She was like, no. And I just kept going up.

• 59:45Dax Shepard?

  Good for her.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  Them and Leanne, initially, when I was doing it at the forum, I'd done so much of this shit about Leanne that it kind of came out.

• 59:53Dax Shepard?

  Angry-ish.

• 59:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, angry. Yeah. And they were like, yo, dad, you're losing your smile in this joke. And then my director said that to me and my best friend who produces my specials, he was, yeah, man, the smile's gone. Like, I think you've been doing it too much. You need to stop and then find it again. And so I got the smile back for it. Cause I talk shit about a 54, well, I almost threw up saying it. 54 year old woman. If you don't make that fun, it does sound like you're shitting on women aging.

• 1:00:17Dax Shepard?

  We need to know at all times you're deeply in love with Leanne.

• 1:00:20Speaker 01

  It's a fine line to walk.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  My danger isn't politics and my danger isn't racial shit. And they may have been at times in my career. I mean, I have a political joke in the special. I don't give a shit. No one's gonna fucking lead me for it.

• 1:00:32Dax Shepard?

  Well, you'll love it. He takes a very pro-choice stance on behalf of.

• 1:00:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, you're not gonna love it, love it.

• 1:00:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're gonna also dislike some of it.

• 1:00:40Speaker 01

  Okay, cool, cool, cool.

• 1:00:41Speaker 02

  So you actually watched the special?

• 1:00:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, I watched it last night, of course.

• 1:00:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you, thank you.

• 1:00:45Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so I love Bert Kreischer, finder of things. This is your self-proclaimed identity marker. And I think this is the funniest trait to have. How does one come to this realization that this is your knack?

• 1:00:57Speaker 02

  It's a little bit of delusion. When I was 14 years old, we were in Anna Maria Island. I was with the Lizarra family. We were in chest high water and Benny Lizarra said, oh shit, I just lost my ring. And I went, really? And I had this feeling that God whispered in my ear, you'll find it. And I swear to God, I went over to where he was. I put my foot down and I stood on his ring.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:01:20Dax Shepard?

  And you're a hero.

• 1:01:21Speaker 02

  I went underwater and I grabbed it. And this is my thing, I love the sparkle. I said, Uncle Benny, what are you gonna say to me if I say I have your ring in my hand right now? He said, I'll tell you right now, if you are holding my ring in your hand, you're my favorite child in this water and I love you more than my son.

• 1:01:35Dax Shepard?

  Ah, great.

• 1:01:36Speaker 02

  Boom. And he went, how the fuck did you do that? And I go, I don't know. And my whole life, I've been able to do that, my fucking whole life. If you lose something, I have a weird confidence where I just go, I'll find it. And by the way, also, I'll put in the work to find it. Some people go, oh, let's look. And then they don't really look. And I go, ah, you're not really committed to this finding.

• 1:01:54Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:55Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:01:55Dax Shepard?

  Well, you have to, because it's now an identity marker. If you don't find it, you don't know who you are now.

• 1:02:00Speaker 02

  I'm gonna tell you, this is a wild one. 15 years ago, back when SeaWorld was acceptable to people. We went to SeaWorld San Diego.

• 1:02:06Dax Shepard?

  When you could go guilt free.

• 1:02:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, we were like, that was cool. She had me rocks.

• 1:02:09Dax Shepard?

  He looked happy.

• 1:02:10Speaker 02

  Since we don't have Shamu, have you noticed the orcas are acting up a little bit?

• 1:02:14Dax Shepard?

  You think they want Shamu back?

• 1:02:15Speaker 02

  I think they might have found out what we did and they're not afraid of us anymore.

• 1:02:19Dax Shepard?

  Interesting, there's a lot of theories out there, but we have not considered that Shamu went and told everyone.

• 1:02:23Speaker 02

  Remember your friend who's lights a cigarette in his bedroom? You're like, what are you doing? She's like, that bitch won't do shit to me anymore. I'm 15, what's she gonna say? Fuck you, old lady. And that's the orcas. They're like spoiled rotten bridge kids.

• 1:02:33Dax Shepard?

  They're like, wait, we're bigger and smarter than these people.

• 1:02:35Speaker 02

  Anyway, we go to SeaWorld and we're walking to the parking lot and I find a diamond ring with an engrave in it. And I go, wow, that's crazy. So I'm gonna give this back to the person.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  I'm gonna find the person that this is.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  And Leanne said, honey. I call SeaWorld, I go lost and found, they go, yeah, yeah, no one reported, ring, just drop it off. I go, no, no, no, because I don't trust you guys.

• 1:02:52Dax Shepard?

  I already see what you're doing.

• 1:02:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Dax Shepard?

  You're not a house of ethics here.

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  By the way, Twitter's not even around yet. Probably a year later, I post a clip, I hold on to this ring. I'm like, hey, I found a ring at SeaWorld. It's got an engrave, it's rubies and a diamond. It's a really nice ring and it's expensive. And I go, if you lost this ring, find me. My daughter comes in, she's young, she's dressed as a kitty cat. It's a cute video. Radio silence. At one point, we're really low on money. And Leanne goes, if we sell this ring, it could get us out of the hole. And I said, that's not our ring to sell. That's someone's ring that I'm holding until I give it to them.

• 1:03:25Dax Shepard?

  This is like a George Costanza type storyline. It's very endearing.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  I go on podcasts, I talk about the ring. I talk about the fucking ring everywhere. I have this ring, I'm pretending to hold it in my hand right now.

• 1:03:39Speaker 02

  2020, seven years later, my wife calls and says, someone reached out about the ring.

• 1:03:45Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:03:46Speaker 02

  I said, for real. She goes, yeah. She says it's her mother's ring. She knows the inscription and she lives in San Diego. And she would like to come to your show. I have a show there. And if she gives you the right inscription, then it's obviously her ring. This woman comes up with her husband, she's emotional, and she goes, I think you have my mother's ring. What's the inscription? She goes, the inscription is in cursive. It's LH plus dot dot. Those are my parents' initials. I go, here's your mother's ring.

• 1:04:09Dax Shepard?

  You didn't make her go, what are you gonna say if I, because you like to do that part. You like a lot of acclaim.

• 1:04:14Speaker 02

  I go, here's your mother's ring. Do you think your mother would be happy that I gave you her ring back?

• 1:04:17Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so a little bit of that.

• 1:04:18Speaker 02

  She looks at me and she goes, my mother was a cunt.

• 1:04:21Dax Shepard?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:04:22Speaker 02

  She goes, I swear to God, she died and she gave me this one ring and I hated my mother. And I was at SeaWorld and it fell out of my purse. And I said, she fucking lost this ring because she hated me and she wanted to prove me a lesson. And I go, really? I go, what are you gonna do with the ring now? She goes, I'm gonna fucking sell it. I went,

• 1:04:39Dax Shepard?

  wow.

• 1:04:39Speaker 02

  I should have sold the goddamn ring. It could have helped us. Kids could have gone to private school.

• 1:04:44Dax Shepard?

  Wow, what a turn. Almost if she said like, I threw that away in a parking lot so I'd never hear about it or see it again.

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  I didn't want to be reminded of her.

• 1:04:52Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  You keep talking about it.

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  I have always found shit. You know what I'm doing to promote this special? And my wife thinks I'm a lunatic. I see pennies all the time. I always pick up pennies. Luck. This is the eight-year-old side of you. If you can get me into a game, you have bird loss for the day. I'm set. So I got a hundred dollars worth of pennies. That's a lot of fucking pennies. Oh, my God. It's too many pennies. 10,000 pennies. I'm throwing them all over the city. I put them in front of people's cars. So when they go to their car, they're like, hey, good luck. I don't know if it works or not, but maybe.

• 1:05:22Speaker 01

  That's a nice gesture. I like that.

• 1:05:24Speaker 02

  If you can gamify life, come on.

• 1:05:29Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. We are supported by Squarespace. So here's something I think about a lot. Most people I talk to on this show, the ones doing really interesting things, they all had a version of their work that existed before anyone else saw it. It was just theirs, notes, ideas, projects they were tinkering with. And then at some point, they made the decision to share it. That's the part that's scary, right? Going from I'm working on something to here's what I made. Rob went through the exact same thing, building our site on Squarespace. And what made it doable was that he didn't have to become a web developer overnight. He just had to show up with the idea. Squarespace handles the rest. Beautiful templates that actually look like you hired someone, built in SEO so people can find you,

• 1:06:14Dax Shepard?

  email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, all under one roof. No code, no patchwork of random tools. And honestly, the thing I keep coming back to is how low the barrier is. If you've got something you've been building quietly and you're ready for people to see it, Squarespace makes that leap feel a lot less dramatic. Head to Squarespace.com/dax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Every family has that one holiday tradition nobody actually enjoys, but everyone keeps doing because stopping it would feel like a federal offense. For me, it was a specific meal situation that I will not name because my family listens.

• 1:06:57Dax Shepard?

  But at some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing this because I love it? Or because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't?

• 1:07:04Speaker 01

  Yes, and that question applies to so much more than the holidays. I think a lot of us carry these invisible rules about how we're supposed to spend the holidays, who we're supposed to see, what it's supposed to look like. And when you start unpacking that with a therapist, you realize half of your stress is coming from rules you didn't even write.

• 1:07:20Dax Shepard?

  This is where BetterHelp can be a great resource during the holidays. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences, which means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recs.

• 1:07:40Speaker 01

  I just love therapy. I've been avoiding it recently, or not avoiding it, but I was like, oh, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, cancel, cancel, cancel. But then I-

• 1:07:48Dax Shepard?

  You start feeling it.

• 1:07:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, because then I had it this past weekend and I was like, oh my God. And just thank God, thank God for her. Yeah.

• 1:07:56Dax Shepard?

  BetterHelp is now in-network with more than 125 health plans with many copays as low as $15 for eligible members. And if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the US, you can still get 20% off your first month. Sign up and get 20% off at betterhelp.com/dax. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash dax. This episode is brought to you by Dell. Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence, and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 laptop.

• 1:08:37Dax Shepard?

  With a beautiful design and cutting-edge performance, it helps you unlock more possibilities. It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet. With touchscreen, a backlit keyboard, and long-lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds, and Intel Core processors, it's fast, reliable, and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities of XPS. While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards. Fast, free shipping, premium support, and financing with flexible payment options. Plus, you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss.

• 1:09:22Dax Shepard?

  Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 1:09:31Dax Shepard?

  We get support from Superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff, but there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends. Docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I needed was something that just works where I'm already working. Not another tab to open, not another thing to set up. Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly is different. It's already right there. Inside your email, your docs, your browser, you don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it, and it pulls the key points. About to send something important? It flags

• 1:10:14Dax Shepard?

  what doesn't add up before it leaves your hands. It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed, at your service, not after your job. So do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go. From the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com.

• 1:10:41Dax Shepard?

  At this point, what generates more income for you? Doing stand-up or the podcast?

• 1:10:47Speaker 02

  Stand-up. I go back on tour. I haven't announced it, but I'll say it. I have a new tour called Permission to Party.

• 1:10:52Dax Shepard?

  Which you came up with in an interview you were doing.

• 1:10:54Speaker 02

  I did. I was talking to this guy and he goes, "I'm kind of confused. I've been to one of your shows. These guys are taking their shirts off and they're not in great shape. And they're watching the whole show shirtless and they're with their wives and they're getting hammered." And he's like, "Why you?" And I said this for real. I was like, "I've always given people permission to party." I've always been the guy that, like a kid's birthday party, they're like, "Yo, are you gonna ask for beer? Because we're all wanting a beer. It's Sunday morning. No one wants to be here."

• 1:11:19Dax Shepard?

  I had the same role. I would always show up at my friend's house with a six-pack. And they were like, "Oh, this is great. You brought a six-pack. We're doing this." Like, yes, I would go first all the time.

• 1:11:28Speaker 02

  I love it. I wasn't gonna drink this weekend. So I was like, "I'm gonna get ready for the month." We just phoned in from Spain. Saturday's four o'clock. It's a beautiful Saturday. Remember Saturday was a good one?

• 1:11:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it got really warm.

• 1:11:38Speaker 02

  Dan goes, "I could have a glass of rosé." Now, I'll never say no to a glass of rosé, ever in my life, if I get sober. If you offer me rosé, I'll still drink it.

• 1:11:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:48Speaker 02

  I love rosé.

• 1:11:49Speaker 01

  It's a good one.

• 1:11:50Speaker 02

  Oh my God. It creeps up on you so quick.

• 1:11:54Speaker 01

  Oh, the pandemic, we drink so much rosé.

• 1:11:56Speaker 02

  I drank so much rosé during the pandemic.

• 1:11:58Speaker 01

  Oh my.

• 1:11:58Speaker 02

  At one point I go, am I just drinking perfume?

• 1:12:01Dax Shepard?

  Can I tell you how much rosé they drink?

• 1:12:02Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:12:03Dax Shepard?

  Cause we all hung out here. There's a liquor store that's two and a half blocks away. And I would get on my motorcycle and we started this thing where they would time me to see how fast I could arrive back at the house with four bottles of rosé.

• 1:12:15Speaker 02

  Hold on, am I finding my people?

• 1:12:17Dax Shepard?

  The final one was sub two minutes. It was like a minute and 45 seconds I was back. And then I got back, I was like, I gotta call it at that. I ran the red light. I was going 95 miles an hour on Franklin. I left the gate open so I could blow in.

• 1:12:30Speaker 01

  That's how bad we needed it. We sent an alcoholic to go pick up our wine.

• 1:12:35Dax Shepard?

  On a motorcycle.

• 1:12:36Speaker 02

  Can I tell you what I just discovered this year?

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:39Speaker 02

  Campari spritz.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  I don't know if I like Campari. I'm gonna have to try it.

• 1:12:42Speaker 02

  Campari tastes a little earthier. So when I was a kid, there was a commercial, Campari on ice, oh so nice. And I remember going, oh, I want to get into Campari as a kid.

• 1:12:50Dax Shepard?

  What is Campari? Is that a brand or a type of alcohol?

• 1:12:53Speaker 02

  It's a aperitif, I think.

• 1:12:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:12:55Speaker 02

  And it's basically a liqueur, but it's got a very earthy taste to it. Two parts prosecco, two parts Campari, splash of soda water.

• 1:13:03Dax Shepard?

  Wow, I think you should make that tonight.

• 1:13:05Speaker 01

  I'm going to Sunset Tower tonight and so maybe.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  Oh, can you, can I? Okay. Can we start a game?

• 1:13:10Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:13:11Speaker 02

  Cause once again, if you gameify life, this will be so fun. But we gotta do a three way text, cause I can't text.

• 1:13:16Speaker 01

  Great.

• 1:13:16Speaker 02

  It's creepy if I'm like.

• 1:13:17Dax Shepard?

  What do you fucking know, Vice President? What's his name?

• 1:13:20Speaker 02

  Pence.

• 1:13:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. Pence can't be in a room with a woman other than his wife unless someone else is present.

• 1:13:25Speaker 02

  To be very clear, yeah. You are.

• 1:13:27Dax Shepard?

  I never.

• 1:13:28Speaker 02

  But we should do a group text.

• 1:13:29Speaker 01

  Group text.

• 1:13:30Speaker 02

  Where we text each other what to drink. Maybe we're emotional cheating in that. Then I'm like, I wanna be where she is.

• 1:13:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you'd be like, oh, I killed her that they don't have that at my bar.

• 1:13:39Speaker 02

  Wait, what bar are you at?

• 1:13:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:40Speaker 02

  I had a very attractive female comic. She goes, you know, I really like you. And I was like, thanks. She's like, I feel like we connect. And I go, we kind of do. She was like, would you be my drinking buddy? Sometimes I want to go get a drink, but I don't want to get hit on. And I kind of just want to have a buddy that I can talk shit with and talk shit about. Comedy, would you be my drinking buddy? And I was like, yeah. So one night, I'm at home with Leanne. It's like eight o'clock at night. I get a call from her. I go, hey, what's up? She goes, hey, I'm going out. You want to come meet me up? I was like, yeah, done.

• 1:14:07Speaker 02

  I go, hey, I gotta go. She's like, what's going on? I was like, uh, what's your name? She said, we're gonna go out. And Leanne's like, are you on a date? And I go, no, just me and her. It's like, we're gonna drink. And Leanne's like, hold on, you're not going out drinking with just a random woman. And I go, it's not a random woman. I've known her for eight years. I had to call her back and go, my wife won't let me come. Yeah. I'll tell you a person for real, she'd admit this, she'd make fun of me for saying this. Whitney Cummings and I have a real connection as comics, almost like brother and sister. She is really close with my daughters, really close with my wife. But I will tell you this, and this is my perspective, or more importantly, it's Leanne and her boyfriend, Chris's perspective. If we go out on a double date, Whitney and I just take off on our own. We went to the Greek to go see Sturgill, and both of them were looking at us like, are you guys together?

• 1:14:53Speaker 02

  Are we gonna be here? And then we went to her kid's birthday party and Whitney and I just took off.

• 1:14:57Dax Shepard?

  Now, let me ask you this though, because my wife is so grateful for that. I have several friends that are female that I get on with like that. And my wife is like, oh my God, thank God, I don't have to receive all of his energy tonight. It's on someone else's plate and he needs to talk so fucking much and I don't want to talk that much. She's like grateful for it.

• 1:15:16Speaker 02

  Leanne, uh, I'm trying to bite my tongue because I'm trying to say like, the first time Leanne saw me and Whitney hang out. And now Whitney is like a sister to me, and I mean that for real. My daughters call her Aunt Whitney.

• 1:15:28Dax Shepard?

  You got her name tattooed on your back, like you're bros.

• 1:15:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, we went to Dr. Woo, whatever. My wife's like, you can't ignore it because you guys are good together. So she's like, if you have a show, you need to hire her as your wife or your sister. You need to work together.

• 1:15:41Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:15:41Speaker 02

  She was like, but remember, your chemistry is just funny. She's like, if you fucked her, she wouldn't like it.

• 1:15:47Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, don't get confused.

• 1:15:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, don't get confused. I really honestly love Whitney like a sister.

• 1:15:51Dax Shepard?

  So you text her, right? Obviously, you're not only on three-way texts.

• 1:15:55Speaker 02

  No, I gotta be honest with you. I bet it's a three-way text.

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:15:59Speaker 02

  But you know, also I don't read texts. So like a lot of people go, if I'm gonna text Bert, I'll text Leanne too.

• 1:16:03Speaker 01

  I guess the four of us could be on a text.

• 1:16:05Speaker 02

  No, we couldn't do it. It couldn't be one-on-one because it would turn into emotional cheating.

• 1:16:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, alright.

• 1:16:10Speaker 01

  Okay, then we can't do it. But I am gonna have a martini tonight, so I am telling you now that is what I'm gonna be doing.

• 1:16:16Speaker 02

  Okay, let's play the game just live then.

• 1:16:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, live.

• 1:16:18Speaker 02

  Okay, tell me what to drink and I'll tell you what to drink. And this gotta be the first drink you have.

• 1:16:22Dax Shepard?

  Oh, this is a fun game.

• 1:16:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:16:23Speaker 02

  Have you had Fernet?

• 1:16:24Speaker 01

  I have. That's a...

• 1:16:25Speaker 02

  It's an aperitif too, I think. So my buddy Mark Smalls always has a shot of Fernet to start the night.

• 1:16:29Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:16:30Speaker 02

  And it turned into a fun thing where we'd all have a shot of Fernet and no one really enjoys Fernet. But if you drink Fernet enough, you start to enjoy the fact that you don't like it.

• 1:16:37Speaker 01

  Okay, get me on a new one. Alright.

• 1:16:39Speaker 02

  It's a fun way to take the thinking out of it. Just walk up and go, shot of Fernet, please.

• 1:16:43Dax Shepard?

  You're already trying to limit the amount of drinks that you like. So the notion of making yourself like one that you don't like is really funny.

• 1:16:50Speaker 01

  But I'm gonna do it. But okay, I'm telling you your drink and you should invite your wife in to do this. You should make this for both of you.

• 1:16:55Speaker 02

  No, it's just me and you.

• 1:16:56Speaker 01

  Okay, cool. Great. A bee's knees.

• 1:16:58Speaker 02

  Don't even tell me what it is.

• 1:16:59Speaker 01

  Do you know what it is?

• 1:17:00Speaker 02

  Can I tell you, kind of the fun of this is going, can I get a bee's knees, please?

• 1:17:03Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:17:04Speaker 02

  And then sipping it and going, oh, she knows me so well.

• 1:17:07Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:17:08Speaker 01

  Great.

• 1:17:08Dax Shepard?

  But do they know it everywhere?

• 1:17:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, if you go to a good place, they'll know it.

• 1:17:11Speaker 02

  I like a brandy Alexander and a pack of Pall Mall.

• 1:17:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah. Well, Bert, you're a goddamn delight. We really did it. Just like when I was on yours. We went for it. We went hard.

• 1:17:21Speaker 02

  I'm so glad that I get to eat my words and say I'm so happy you got into podcasting.

• 1:17:26Dax Shepard?

  Thank you.

• 1:17:26Speaker 02

  I'm being serious, man. And for nothing, I've said this to you before, people have brought this up to me about what a great, great episode. And I'm the same way, live by the sword, die by the sword, where I'm 100% honest. Maybe I'm over honest, maybe I overshare. But when you talked about falling off the wagon, I remember where I was when I listened to it. I remember just how vulnerable it was and how cool it was to hear someone take accountability and the conversation you got. It was just... Incredible. I think it was during the pandemic.

• 1:17:52Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:17:53Speaker 02

  And I was in the pool, listening to it. Only real podcast listeners, us diehards, know the feeling when you've got a phone and you're just right there and you're with every word. And someone's like, hey, can I get you, hang on, stop, I'm in the middle of something. And they're like, what? I'm like, my friend Dax fell off the fucking, I know him so well.

• 1:18:10Dax Shepard?

  He just flushed 16 years of sobriety. I'm like, shut the fuck up.

• 1:18:14Speaker 02

  It's crazy. I said, when I first met Rogan, I'd listened to so much of the podcast. He invited me to do the podcast. I went to his house. I go, I know this guy. He's like my buddy. And I'd never met him. I was like, hey, hey, man. He's like, it's good to meet you. And I was like, I know you. And he was like, what? I was like, I need to meet your dogs. And he's a deprivation tank. I want to play a game of pool and want to get high. And then I'll be ready. I go, look, man, I'm a big fan. I need to get this out.

• 1:18:36Speaker 01

  It's an interesting, fun relationship, podcasters and their listeners.

• 1:18:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:41Dax Shepard?

  All right. Well, everyone check out Lucky. It's on Netflix. Couldn't be easier for you to consume. It's hilarious. I really adore you. I'm really glad that we got to do each other's shows.

• 1:18:50Speaker 02

  I am too.

• 1:18:51Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. You're such a sweet boy. Truly. You're such, there's like a big old fucking heart in you and I love it.

• 1:18:57Speaker 02

  Well, I think it's just because I drink a lot.

• 1:18:58Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 1:18:59Speaker 02

  Enlarged.

• 1:19:00Dax Shepard?

  Well, it is probably enlarged. But it's also very sweet. All right. So everyone watch Lucky and we'll do this again. I can't wait.

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  He is an arm care expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's gonna let him have the facts. I loved that show.

• 1:19:18Speaker 01

  So did I. I loved it. I loved anything that was like inside, inside information into the lives of celebrities. So wild.

• 1:19:30Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I loved Cribs and, you know, so nosey. I wanted to know how everyone lived, what was their style was, how big their house was.

• 1:19:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:41Dax Shepard?

  What kind of cars they had.

• 1:19:43Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 1:19:43Dax Shepard?

  But you know what else was fun about Cribs is like, they would do like an LA actor.

• 1:19:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:19:49Dax Shepard?

  And they had like an okay house.

• 1:19:50Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:19:51Dax Shepard?

  Anytime they were in Atlanta for like a rapper or a basketball player, everyone had like 10,000 square foot houses on acreage and then huge driveways full of cars. I'm like, oh yeah, it's a lot more bang for your buck in other places.

• 1:20:03Speaker 01

  That's true. I wasn't thinking like that back then.

• 1:20:07Dax Shepard?

  You weren't.

• 1:20:07Speaker 01

  So I was just a little girl.

• 1:20:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's our age difference. How old were you when you were watching it? It made you uncomfortable because so many of them were set up for partying. It was all about like.

• 1:20:18Speaker 01

  Okay, you don't even know me.

• 1:20:19Dax Shepard?

  Some of these places had dance clubs in them.

• 1:20:22Speaker 01

  I used to booty bump. You don't even.

• 1:20:24Dax Shepard?

  Not at eight.

• 1:20:25Speaker 01

  Okay, I think I was older than that. Let's see when Cribs came out.

• 1:20:29Dax Shepard?

  When was it's?

• 1:20:30Speaker 01

  Uh oh, that's not a good Google because you know what it says.

• 1:20:34Dax Shepard?

  You know who's got a great episode of Cribs? Maybe the best.

• 1:20:38Speaker 01

  Uh.

• 1:20:39Dax Shepard?

  Rosenbaum.

• 1:20:40Speaker 01

  Really?

• 1:20:41Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. He had someone like hiding under the sheets in the bedroom when they were looking at the bedroom. And then the guy jumped out of the bed.

• 1:20:47Speaker 01

  Mariah Carey also had one.

• 1:20:49Dax Shepard?

  Hers was infamous more than it was. Because she seemed a little unstable. She like took a bath during her episode.

• 1:20:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, there was. I remember a bath.

• 1:20:59Dax Shepard?

  If a guy did that, he'd be go to jail probably.

• 1:21:01Speaker 01

  Not then.

• 1:21:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're right.

• 1:21:03Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, premiered in 2000. So I was 12.

• 1:21:08Dax Shepard?

  12.

• 1:21:09Speaker 01

  But you were a lot older.

• 1:21:11Dax Shepard?

  I was 24. I was ready to go to one of those nightclubs in the house.

• 1:21:16Speaker 01

  It is so crazy how age starts to mean nothing, but when you're young, it is. This is, this is just real proof.

• 1:21:27Speaker 01

  That.

• 1:21:27Dax Shepard?

  I'm older?

• 1:21:28Speaker 01

  No, no, that like these, when people are like, oh, it's not that big of a deal. It's like this 16 year old is what it's, it is like when I think about being the age I was watching Cribs.

• 1:21:41Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:41Speaker 01

  And then being 24.

• 1:21:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:44Speaker 01

  Wildly.

• 1:21:46Dax Shepard?

  Who was your favorite? What are your favorite episodes of Cribs?

• 1:21:49Speaker 01

  Okay, I need to see.

• 1:21:51Dax Shepard?

  Do top, I'm gonna do top 10 best episodes of Cribs. It's funny to me now, mind you, I gotta remember everyone that participated in Cribs was in their 20s. Pretty much.

• 1:22:01Speaker 01

  Richard Branson.

• 1:22:03Dax Shepard?

  They did his island.

• 1:22:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:22:06Dax Shepard?

  I remember that one.

• 1:22:07Speaker 01

  His private island.

• 1:22:08Dax Shepard?

  Yes. 10 best houses on MTV Cribs. Lil Wayne.

• 1:22:13Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, they did Beyonce.

• 1:22:15Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God, Lil Wayne. He has a like a plastic hot tub in the dead middle of his living room.

• 1:22:21Speaker 03

  A lot of athletes.

• 1:22:23Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Mariah Carey in her bathtub, as we discussed.

• 1:22:28Speaker 01

  Shaq, that was Orlando.

• 1:22:30Dax Shepard?

  I remember Shaq's house. Yeah. Tony Hawk, Russell Simmons, that was an older man.

• 1:22:38Speaker 01

  I saw that one. Yeah.

• 1:22:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's a huge mansion.

• 1:22:41Speaker 01

  And Wilmer Valderrama.

• 1:22:43Dax Shepard?

  Yes, he did. Oh, the Playboy Mansion did a Cribs. Aaron Carter, that's an infamous one. Yeah, 50 Cent.

• 1:22:52Speaker 01

  R I P, right?

• 1:22:54Dax Shepard?

  Who? Oh.

• 1:22:56Speaker 01

  I think so. That's sad.

• 1:22:59Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Branson. Oh, I wish they'd bring it back. But anyways.

• 1:23:04Speaker 01

  Would you do it?

• 1:23:05Dax Shepard?

  No, no, no, no. But I remember as soon as I owned a house, thinking like, oh, no, God, no, I don't want anyone to see.

• 1:23:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:23:11Dax Shepard?

  Where I.

• 1:23:13Speaker 01

  I don't have that. I.

• 1:23:14Dax Shepard?

  Are you gonna do an episode when your house is done?

• 1:23:16Speaker 01

  Cribs, but I do. I mean.

• 1:23:18Dax Shepard?

  You would do architecture.

• 1:23:19Speaker 01

  The advanced version is Architectural Digest Home Tours, which I love.

• 1:23:24Dax Shepard?

  I love looking at them, but I wouldn't participate in one. You got a smell?

• 1:23:28Speaker 01

  Something's going on.

• 1:23:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:23:31Speaker 01

  Have you ever had a smell in your nose?

• 1:23:33Dax Shepard?

  Fish in your apartment last night? Okay, as you're prone to do.

• 1:23:37Speaker 01

  Sometimes when you just get a smell in your nose, you can't get it out. I don't. I don't smell it on me.

• 1:23:46Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:23:47Speaker 01

  But I was scared. I'm really panicked.

• 1:23:49Dax Shepard?

  This is, remember, we learned some people's OCD is that they.

• 1:23:52Speaker 01

  Are scared of smell. Okay, they did 19 seasons of Cribs.

• 1:23:57Dax Shepard?

  Whoa.

• 1:23:57Speaker 01

  But they're probably.

• 1:23:58Dax Shepard?

  There's three a year.

• 1:23:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:24:00Speaker 03

  They had a break from 2010 to 2021.

• 1:24:03Dax Shepard?

  Okay, so 2010, yeah, so I could have definitely participated. I think I was even asked.

• 1:24:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:24:09Dax Shepard?

  As an MTV alum.

• 1:24:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. You would have been perfect for them. But you didn't have like a bath. You don't have things.

• 1:24:16Dax Shepard?

  I had an average house.

• 1:24:17Speaker 01

  You would show your cars, I guess, your motorcycles.

• 1:24:20Dax Shepard?

  Mostly what it probably would have been.

• 1:24:21Speaker 01

  The posters of yourself.

• 1:24:24Dax Shepard?

  In the garage.

• 1:24:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:24:26Dax Shepard?

  They're in the garage.

• 1:24:27Speaker 01

  Well, they were in the house, remember?

• 1:24:29Dax Shepard?

  Not posters. I bad, still bad. I can own it. But a lot of stills from the movies.

• 1:24:39Speaker 01

  Well, is that even? Can I see one? What do you mean stills?

• 1:24:44Dax Shepard?

  Like, there's an onset photographer and there's a picture of me and Luke Wilson in Idiocracy in a scene. And that's I like the photo.

• 1:24:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:24:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. And so I had a lot of.

• 1:24:57Speaker 01

  I don't know if that's that bad, actually.

• 1:25:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:01Speaker 01

  Post. I thought it was like.

• 1:25:04Dax Shepard?

  There was posters everywhere.

• 1:25:05Speaker 01

  Posters. Is that it?

• 1:25:07Dax Shepard?

  I do have that photo, but that wasn't the one I had on display. Look at my hair.

• 1:25:13Speaker 01

  Look at you. You look so little. You look just like Lincoln. It's crazy.

• 1:25:18Dax Shepard?

  But look at my hairdo. Go ahead.

• 1:25:21Speaker 01

  No, you just, I mean, I noticed this when we watched, um, when we did.

• 1:25:25Dax Shepard?

  Without a paddle.

• 1:25:26Speaker 01

  Without a paddle. You just look so different.

• 1:25:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:31Speaker 01

  Like, your face has changed.

• 1:25:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:34Speaker 01

  Isn't that weird?

• 1:25:36Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:37Speaker 01

  Like, I, obviously, everyone gets older, but your face is, is different, I think.

• 1:25:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, I agree. Um, I think my neck is a lot thicker, which I think changes the whole look of your face.

• 1:25:50Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:25:52Dax Shepard?

  That's like one of the big things I noticed, like when I'm watching Parenthood or something.

• 1:25:56Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:25:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah, my neck was so, was half the size of my neck now.

• 1:26:00Speaker 01

  You look different.

• 1:26:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, but is it bad?

• 1:26:02Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:26:03Dax Shepard?

  That I look so different?

• 1:26:04Speaker 01

  No, I don't think it's bad at all. I think, yeah, you're right. You look more like you. Yeah.

• 1:26:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:09Speaker 01

  You just look.

• 1:26:10Dax Shepard?

  Cause in Idiocracy, I was fat. Like, I gained a bunch of weight really quickly.

• 1:26:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:16Dax Shepard?

  Like thirty seven pounds.

• 1:26:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:18Dax Shepard?

  And then this was months after. And so now I'm like, I'm halfway back to me being thin, which I always was on Parenthood.

• 1:26:25Speaker 01

  This looks Parenthood.

• 1:26:27Dax Shepard?

  Yes, that's Parenthood. And I'm like one eighty five there. In the third, I'm probably like two hundred. And then in Idiocracy, I'm two twenty.

• 1:26:34Speaker 01

  Can you, Rob, pull up, um, When in Rome?

• 1:26:37Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I looked terrible.

• 1:26:39Speaker 01

  To your current body, though.

• 1:26:41Dax Shepard?

  Nah, I was so thin. Like, my way of getting, um, ripped then was the traditional approach, which is like, get really cut and you'll look big. So I was like. 169, 170 for the like modeling shoot stuff?

• 1:26:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:26:58Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, look at it. Look like I'm on Ozempic.

• 1:27:02Speaker 01

  Wow, you do look really thin.

• 1:27:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, like Ozempic.

• 1:27:05Speaker 01

  I want to see a front face.

• 1:27:07Dax Shepard?

  Rob, can you pull up? This probably sucks if you're listening. You can start Googling all this stuff.

• 1:27:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, and also go to YouTube to watch us.

• 1:27:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, like I look similar from a distance, but I'm so much lighter there. I'm, I'm a full 30 pounds lighter there.

• 1:27:24Speaker 01

  Your face looks...

• 1:27:27Dax Shepard?

  My bottom lip looks super big because my face is so gaunt.

• 1:27:31Speaker 01

  There.

• 1:27:32Dax Shepard?

  I think it's just the light is interesting. Well, this is a real fun retro.

• 1:27:37Speaker 01

  Retrospective.

• 1:27:38Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. With that watch I'm wearing, this is a bad story. I don't actually know you want to tell it.

• 1:27:45Speaker 01

  Wait, you have to now.

• 1:27:47Dax Shepard?

  Oh, God.

• 1:27:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:27:49Dax Shepard?

  This, I don't really want to say in public because people, anyways.

• 1:27:52Speaker 01

  What happened?

• 1:27:53Dax Shepard?

  We were trying, I wanted to look douchey. That was my goal for this character.

• 1:27:57Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:27:57Dax Shepard?

  I was an underwear model.

• 1:27:58Speaker 01

  Playing underwear model. Yep.

• 1:27:59Dax Shepard?

  Yes, really into himself.

• 1:28:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:28:01Dax Shepard?

  And so when we had the meeting with like what kind of jewelry and watches I would wear.

• 1:28:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:28:07Dax Shepard?

  They just kept handing me different watches and then they handed me the one I'm wearing in that photo and I go, oh my God, this is perfect. It's...

• 1:28:16Speaker 01

  You didn't like?

• 1:28:16Dax Shepard?

  I'm gonna let you finish.

• 1:28:17Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah.

• 1:28:18Dax Shepard?

  Fill in what happened.

• 1:28:19Speaker 01

  Of course. You were like, this is perfect.

• 1:28:21Dax Shepard?

  It's so douchey.

• 1:28:22Speaker 01

  And then what happened?

• 1:28:24Dax Shepard?

  It was someone's personal watch that had taken it off and just handed it in the pile.

• 1:28:30Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:28:31Dax Shepard?

  Yes, and I, I felt so bad.

• 1:28:34Speaker 01

  Oh my God, why would they do that?

• 1:28:36Dax Shepard?

  I don't know because, yes, it was a little bit of a trap because we knew, everyone in the room knew why we were doing what we were doing. And then it was just handed to me. And I was like, yes, big.

• 1:28:48Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:28:49Dax Shepard?

  I, I still at night think about that. I feel terrible about that.

• 1:28:54Speaker 01

  Did he cry?

• 1:28:55Dax Shepard?

  It's kind of a cool watch though. Now that I'm looking at it, I was, well anyways, moving, moving onward. Anyways.

• 1:29:03Speaker 01

  That is a horrible thing you did on accident, on accident.

• 1:29:06Dax Shepard?

  I know.

• 1:29:06Speaker 01

  This will happen.

• 1:29:07Dax Shepard?

  I have way more of those than most people. I think, or at least no one tells me their stories about.

• 1:29:13Speaker 01

  No, I know. It's because you are.

• 1:29:16Dax Shepard?

  Very censored.

• 1:29:17Speaker 01

  Correct. And I think you've gotten much more censored.

• 1:29:21Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:29:22Speaker 01

  So back then, of course, this is the douchiest watch ever. Fuck me, I'm puking.

• 1:29:30Dax Shepard?

  But wait, no, you remember you, you thought I was a lot, but then you watched Idiocracy, or I mean, you watched Without a Pale and you said, oh, yours, you still were sweet back then. Isn't that your conclusion? But you had thought maybe I wasn't because I was using drugs and alcohol?

• 1:29:46Speaker 01

  Right. I just think, don't you think you've tamed instead of gone the other way? Over time?

• 1:29:53Dax Shepard?

  For sure.

• 1:29:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:29:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. I tell less fight stories.

• 1:29:57Speaker 01

  Anyone who's been in your life for a lot, way before me would, says that.

• 1:30:03Dax Shepard?

  Yes. Yes. But I think maybe you thought I wasn't sweet back then, but I think I was still sweet.

• 1:30:09Speaker 01

  You were sweet, but I don't think, do you think you were like, I'm really, you, you just weren't walking through life feeling like I might hurt someone's feelings?

• 1:30:18Dax Shepard?

  Well, I wasn't thinking that, but when I did, I felt like this, this situation I still think about.

• 1:30:23Speaker 01

  Yeah. You weren't like, well, fuck it.

• 1:30:25Dax Shepard?

  Years ago. And I'm like, oh God, what a terrible.

• 1:30:28Speaker 01

  Did you say I'm sorry in the moment?

• 1:30:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:30:30Speaker 01

  You did?

• 1:30:31Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:30:31Speaker 01

  Oh, that probably made it worse.

• 1:30:32Dax Shepard?

  Probably.

• 1:30:35Dax Shepard?

  What do you do though? What was I to do?

• 1:30:39Speaker 01

  You'd say.

• 1:30:40Dax Shepard?

  Actually.

• 1:30:41Speaker 01

  Actually, I don't even know if this is the right one because it actually is, it's pretty cool.

• 1:30:45Dax Shepard?

  I think an apology is better than placate, like trying, trying to lie at that point. You're doing an about face.

• 1:30:51Speaker 01

  I would, I do an about face.

• 1:30:54Dax Shepard?

  You would?

• 1:30:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30:55Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:55Speaker 01

  Cause I think they'll choose to believe the nice thing because it hurts to believe the bad thing.

• 1:31:01Dax Shepard?

  Do you know when I think of pretty often, I accidentally was, oh God, it pains me to bring these up. This one's not going to bother you as much, but to me it's rough. But someone's wife had gotten a new car.

• 1:31:14Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:31:15Dax Shepard?

  And before we got to what kind it was, I started making fun of the old RAV4.

• 1:31:23Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:31:24Dax Shepard?

  Because they look kinda like a Fisher Price car, the old one.

• 1:31:28Speaker 01

  Cause you're still doing it.

• 1:31:29Dax Shepard?

  Crazy how it looks.

• 1:31:32Speaker 01

  Callie had a RAV4. We used to cruise around in it.

• 1:31:34Dax Shepard?

  I think it was the second, but I think I just read it's like the second or third best selling car in America.

• 1:31:39Speaker 01

  You either had a RAV4 or a CRV.

• 1:31:41Dax Shepard?

  You had a CRV.

• 1:31:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:31:42Dax Shepard?

  I hadn't seen the new one. The new one looks way better. It's a very good looking vehicle.

• 1:31:46Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 1:31:47Dax Shepard?

  But I went on a little thing about how bad the RAV4 was and, and then my friend said, that's what she got. And I was like, oh my, I felt so bad. And then I was like.

• 1:31:59Speaker 01

  This is worse than the watch.

• 1:32:01Dax Shepard?

  That, look at that vehicle. That looks like a Play-Doh car. It's like a wind up car. Right, a wind up car. I stand by my aesthetic assessment of the old.

• 1:32:12Speaker 01

  That, that picture.

• 1:32:14Dax Shepard?

  It looks like something Ziggy would drive. Remember the cartoon Ziggy?

• 1:32:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, no, I don't, but that picture is.

• 1:32:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I know. Um, okay. The RAV4, I have so many great memories of Callie's RAV4.

• 1:32:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, it's a great car, very dependable. Everyone who's currently in one right now, I love it. But, yeah, boy, they had just gotten a new car and I was bagging that.

• 1:32:39Speaker 01

  That's bad.

• 1:32:39Dax Shepard?

  That was really bad and I felt bad and I still feel bad. Then I saw the new one. And I'm like, I'm, I love the new one and I don't know if my friend bought it.

• 1:32:50Speaker 01

  Oh, you, you said that.

• 1:32:52Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:32:52Speaker 01

  So you did a bout face.

• 1:32:54Dax Shepard?

  I did. And, which was your recommendation with the watch. But this one was actually sincere and I think even the sincere version.

• 1:33:01Speaker 01

  Didn't work.

• 1:33:02Dax Shepard?

  Didn't work. Ah.

• 1:33:04Speaker 01

  Do you feel bad enough to like, get them a new car?

• 1:33:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:33:08Dax Shepard?

  If that would erase the whole thing, for sure. And if I could buy the other person a new watch and erase it.

• 1:33:13Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 1:33:14Dax Shepard?

  I would do it. This is, there's a whole gray area where like, that would never make a, a ninth step. In AA.

• 1:33:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:33:21Dax Shepard?

  And I'm not gonna go making a man's.

• 1:33:24Speaker 01

  Oh, well, if it's bothering you.

• 1:33:26Dax Shepard?

  I, well, and I said sorry on the day about the watch, but I just, I just think about it.

• 1:33:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:33:33Dax Shepard?

  And I would love to figure out how to not think about it.

• 1:33:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's how I feel about that girl.

• 1:33:38Dax Shepard?

  Which, oh, wait, I kinda remember.

• 1:33:41Speaker 01

  With the mole? So worst story. It's the, it's the worst thing I've ever done.

• 1:33:47Dax Shepard?

  We make mistakes.

• 1:33:48Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:33:49Dax Shepard?

  We really do make mistakes.

• 1:33:51Speaker 01

  We really do.

• 1:33:52Dax Shepard?

  Speaking of children, we just came from the most life affirming event.

• 1:33:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:33:59Dax Shepard?

  The rainbow run.

• 1:34:00Speaker 01

  Delta had a rainbow run.

• 1:34:02Dax Shepard?

  The rainbow run. She was so excited. She was up very early. She wanted to do a top knot for her running and she painted a rainbow on her cheek.

• 1:34:13Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:34:14Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if it was a transfer tattoo or painted on.

• 1:34:17Speaker 01

  If she painted that, that's really impressive.

• 1:34:20Dax Shepard?

  So cute. Right on her cheek, a big rainbow.

• 1:34:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:22Dax Shepard?

  And she's in a little jumper. Oh my God. And we watch her run around and, and all the little kids run around.

• 1:34:29Speaker 01

  They basically run in a circle for 10 minutes each class.

• 1:34:33Dax Shepard?

  And then they've raised money per lap.

• 1:34:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:34:36Dax Shepard?

  And I'm there to see Delta first, but really close second is Freddie, cause he runs like. Freddie. Who I want to adopt.

• 1:34:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's really a cool, cool kid.

• 1:34:48Dax Shepard?

  The coolest. I don't know how someone just born that way.

• 1:34:52Speaker 01

  I know you, you like ran out there to high five him. Like you wanted his approval.

• 1:34:57Dax Shepard?

  Of course. And he high fived me the first time. And then on the second lap, I ran out and he, he ghosted me.

• 1:35:04Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:35:04Dax Shepard?

  You saw that.

• 1:35:05Speaker 01

  I saw, but I thought you were doing it to some random person.

• 1:35:08Dax Shepard?

  No, no, I was trying to get another round two. I got greedy with Freddie on another high five.

• 1:35:12Speaker 01

  This is always your problem.

• 1:35:14Dax Shepard?

  I know. It's the nature of an addict. Like I liked it the first time. I thought, well, let's keep doing that until it breaks.

• 1:35:21Speaker 01

  Which in this case was pretty quickly.

• 1:35:23Dax Shepard?

  It was quickly. He had enough.

• 1:35:24Speaker 01

  Man, it was cute.

• 1:35:26Dax Shepard?

  But he did tell his mom, she told me that he's, he said, I'm giving him a truck at some point.

• 1:35:31Speaker 01

  He's giving you a truck?

• 1:35:32Dax Shepard?

  No, I'm giving him a truck.

• 1:35:33Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 1:35:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah. He has it in his head that I'm giving him a truck. And I said.

• 1:35:36Speaker 01

  Do you think Delta promised him that?

• 1:35:38Dax Shepard?

  And I said, fine. That's fine with me. All he's got to do is marry Delta and then he can have, he can have all my shit.

• 1:35:44Speaker 01

  This is such a common thing. I think for parents, they like.

• 1:35:47Dax Shepard?

  They want kids to get married.

• 1:35:49Speaker 01

  Yes. They decide early. They want their kid to marry this kid.

• 1:35:52Dax Shepard?

  Well, and I don't, I want her to have like 20 relationships before.

• 1:35:57Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:35:57Dax Shepard?

  She gets married.

• 1:35:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:35:59Dax Shepard?

  Um, I think some, some parents want their kid to date from junior high all the way to adulthood. And I just don't think that's high, very likely.

• 1:36:07Speaker 01

  Do you want to hear just the best story ever?

• 1:36:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:10Speaker 01

  So Elizabeth and Andy went to elementary school together.

• 1:36:14Dax Shepard?

  They did?

• 1:36:15Speaker 01

  They went to elementary school. Andy was Elizabeth's first crush.

• 1:36:20Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:36:20Speaker 01

  She loved Andy, but Andy was like a punk. He was like a little punk kid.

• 1:36:25Dax Shepard?

  Okay, he's too cool.

• 1:36:26Speaker 01

  Uh huh. And he was into Prince and like, snowboarding.

• 1:36:31Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 1:36:31Speaker 01

  And she thought that was really cool and different.

• 1:36:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:35Speaker 01

  And then they, you know, Andy moved a couple of years later.

• 1:36:39Dax Shepard?

  Okay, to another town.

• 1:36:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And she didn't see him for, you know, twenty years or something. And she ran into him on the street in New York.

• 1:36:47Dax Shepard?

  No. And that's when they rekindled?

• 1:36:50Speaker 01

  Well, they never even kindled, but she was like.

• 1:36:53Dax Shepard?

  I liked you.

• 1:36:53Speaker 01

  Andy Rosen?

• 1:36:54Dax Shepard?

  Oh, wow. I like that story.

• 1:36:57Speaker 01

  Isn't that such a good story?

• 1:36:59Dax Shepard?

  It'd be like if you married Dairy Queen guy. That's still an option.

• 1:37:02Speaker 01

  That is not the same. That'd be like if Andy was mean to Elizabeth.

• 1:37:07Dax Shepard?

  What if he came to you and said, I think about that once a week. I feel fucking terrible.

• 1:37:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:16Dax Shepard?

  I'm so sorry.

• 1:37:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:37:17Dax Shepard?

  I didn't know what I was saying. I was twelve.

• 1:37:20Speaker 01

  I know you didn't. It's fine. It's really fine.

• 1:37:23Dax Shepard?

  And I liked you then and I still like you.

• 1:37:25Speaker 01

  Well, I.

• 1:37:26Dax Shepard?

  And now I'm not a dum-dum.

• 1:37:28Speaker 01

  I'm, I am very flattered. Oh, I'm good.

• 1:37:35Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I would have been flipped. Really? Well, I can't be with you.

• 1:37:38Speaker 01

  Exactly. That's the real arc of this.

• 1:37:43Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:43Speaker 01

  Um, okay, circling back.

• 1:37:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, to the Rainbow Run? Circles?

• 1:37:48Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, circling. So Rainbow Run It Back, um, the Architectural Digest tours.

• 1:37:53Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yes.

• 1:37:55Speaker 01

  I would like to do that.

• 1:37:56Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:37:57Speaker 01

  And I love those Architectural Digest. It's called like, Open Door.

• 1:38:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I love those too.

• 1:38:05Speaker 01

  And, um.

• 1:38:05Dax Shepard?

  And I would never do one.

• 1:38:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, Walton did one recently and it was so good.

• 1:38:12Dax Shepard?

  His place is gorgeous.

• 1:38:13Speaker 01

  It's gorgeous.

• 1:38:14Dax Shepard?

  The Hunting Lodge in the Hudson Valley.

• 1:38:16Speaker 01

  Dakota Johnson.

• 1:38:18Dax Shepard?

  Is your food here?

• 1:38:19Speaker 01

  Oh, fuck.

• 1:38:21Speaker 01

  Our coffees.

• 1:38:23Speaker 03

  Here, I can grab it.

• 1:38:24Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:38:25Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 1:38:25Dax Shepard?

  Thanks, Wap.

• 1:38:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I they I just love those and I would really like to do it. Um, when my home is done.

• 1:38:32Dax Shepard?

  Okay, if you're listening.

• 1:38:35Speaker 01

  Look, I I'm not a big enough person to for them to want me to do it, but my home is gonna really be worth seeing.

• 1:38:45Dax Shepard?

  And I think you plus Nikki Kehoe.

• 1:38:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what I mean. Like she there, it's them. It's it's Nikki Kehoe plus my architect, Bill, Bill Baldwin.

• 1:38:56Dax Shepard?

  Bill.

• 1:38:56Speaker 01

  Um, they created like, it's just incredible.

• 1:39:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:01Speaker 01

  It's very special. So I would love for it to get some love.

• 1:39:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, let's, um, if you're listening, Architect.

• 1:39:09Speaker 01

  I'll manifest it.

• 1:39:10Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think this could happen.

• 1:39:11Speaker 01

  I'm gonna manifest it.

• 1:39:13Dax Shepard?

  I wonder if people ever reach out to them.

• 1:39:15Speaker 01

  I'm sure people do.

• 1:39:16Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:16Speaker 01

  But I'm not gonna.

• 1:39:18Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:39:18Speaker 01

  I'm just gonna hope and pray. I'm gonna hope and pray.

• 1:39:21Dax Shepard?

  If you want it, this is like dating. This is like the hot guy. If you want to be in Architectural Dive, just ask.

• 1:39:27Speaker 01

  This is the hot guy because I don't want to ask. I want them to come to me.

• 1:39:31Dax Shepard?

  Oh, man.

• 1:39:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:39:33Dax Shepard?

  You gotta ask in life. Oh, hold on, we have a visitor. Mr. Rogers is here.

• 1:39:36Speaker 01

  Oh, knock, knock, knock.

• 1:39:39Dax Shepard?

  Oh, look at these cute decorative cups.

• 1:39:41Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:39:42Dax Shepard?

  What is what? Vanilla?

• 1:39:46Speaker 01

  Mine is just has cinnamon.

• 1:39:48Dax Shepard?

  Whole milkens?

• 1:39:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, I gotta get my calcium in because of my bone density.

• 1:39:54Dax Shepard?

  All right, because you're here.

• 1:39:55Speaker 01

  My mom.

• 1:39:56Dax Shepard?

  Swiss cheese bones.

• 1:39:57Speaker 01

  I spoke to my mom the other day and she she asked me every other time I talk to her if I'm taking my calcium. And every time I say, no, no, I'm not taking that. I'm not gonna take it. Um, so that's that.

• 1:40:13Dax Shepard?

  Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare.

• 1:40:20Dax Shepard?

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• 1:41:03Dax Shepard?

  From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV.

• 1:41:26Speaker 01

  Ooh, it's nice with cinnamon. I love cinnamon. What's your favorite spice?

• 1:41:32Dax Shepard?

  I like cinnamon. Favorite spice? I like vanilla. I got vanilla.

• 1:41:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, you have vanilla.

• 1:41:38Dax Shepard?

  I can't taste the vanilla.

• 1:41:40Speaker 01

  I wouldn't, well, I guess I'll call it a spice.

• 1:41:43Dax Shepard?

  Vanilla's not a spice?

• 1:41:44Speaker 01

  Not really. It's a bean. Here are your options.

• 1:41:48Dax Shepard?

  Thank you. I can't think of spices.

• 1:41:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's a weird question.

• 1:41:52Dax Shepard?

  I like rosemary in my pasta.

• 1:41:53Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah. Rosemary, oregano, coriander, cumin, thyme, black pepper. You could go black pepper.

• 1:42:03Dax Shepard?

  Teragon.

• 1:42:04Speaker 01

  Garlic powder, onion powder.

• 1:42:06Dax Shepard?

  Salt. Himalayan pink sea salt.

• 1:42:09Speaker 01

  Let's see if.

• 1:42:09Dax Shepard?

  Okay, I'll go cinnamon because that's the only one that I associate with being sweet, even though on its own, it's not sweet, obviously.

• 1:42:15Speaker 01

  Salt is not considered a spice. I just am Googling most popular spices. Okay? Oh, no, this is already, salt is the first one.

• 1:42:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:23Speaker 01

  AI.

• 1:42:24Dax Shepard?

  So this is the most used.

• 1:42:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, most commonly used spices, but it shouldn't say salt if it's not. It's like, that's the green hats. This is the green hat riddle that we still haven't told on here.

• 1:42:36Dax Shepard?

  Okay, do you want to do it now?

• 1:42:37Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 1:42:38Dax Shepard?

  Okay. No.

• 1:42:40Speaker 01

  Black pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, chili powder, cumin, cinnamon, ginger.

• 1:42:46Dax Shepard?

  I like taco seasoning.

• 1:42:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, that normally has chili powder, paprika, cumin, a lot of cumin.

• 1:42:55Dax Shepard?

  Cumin.

• 1:42:56Speaker 01

  Um, salt, pepper.

• 1:42:58Dax Shepard?

  That's what I douse over my elk now.

• 1:43:00Speaker 01

  Oh, it is. I was wondering if you were still on your elk.

• 1:43:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I made a big batch two days ago.

• 1:43:04Speaker 01

  Turmeric, very good spice for you.

• 1:43:07Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:08Speaker 01

  Very healthy spice.

• 1:43:11Speaker 01

  Do you think people have turned it off by now? Yeah, I understand. I understand why. Um.

• 1:43:16Dax Shepard?

  Can't fault them, really.

• 1:43:18Speaker 01

  Um, all right. Well, Bert Kreischer, oh, well, before I move on from Freddie, we have to give a shout out to Freddie's mom.

• 1:43:25Dax Shepard?

  Haley.

• 1:43:25Speaker 01

  Haley, but I like to refer to her as Freddie's mom.

• 1:43:29Dax Shepard?

  Like, um, Dax's mom.

• 1:43:31Speaker 01

  I just think it's so cute.

• 1:43:32Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Freddie's mom. That is a good moniker.

• 1:43:35Speaker 01

  Is so nice. And we chatted with her.

• 1:43:38Dax Shepard?

  She's the coolest.

• 1:43:39Speaker 01

  Well, this is part of it. It's like, obviously Freddie is cool because the mom is so cool and the dad is so.

• 1:43:47Dax Shepard?

  Is legendary. Yeah.

• 1:43:48Speaker 01

  So.

• 1:43:49Dax Shepard?

  The dad makes me nervous and is so good looking.

• 1:43:54Speaker 01

  They both are. Both of the parents are gorgeous. And so obviously Freddie's gorgeous and cool.

• 1:44:00Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 1:44:01Speaker 01

  And he wears an earring and.

• 1:44:02Dax Shepard?

  And he's got siblings and he's got the cutest little sister you've ever seen in your life.

• 1:44:06Speaker 01

  His sister's pearl earring today.

• 1:44:08Dax Shepard?

  To be faster.

• 1:44:09Speaker 01

  Listen, um, I'm, if I decide to have a kid with a donor.

• 1:44:15Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:16Speaker 01

  How many am I gonna have to look? I mean, this is like, really.

• 1:44:20Dax Shepard?

  Do you get to see photographs of them?

• 1:44:21Speaker 01

  I don't know about that. I think you can request. I think some you can, some maybe you can't, depending on the bank.

• 1:44:29Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:29Speaker 01

  I mean, the.

• 1:44:31Dax Shepard?

  Would you want Rob's sperm? He's very fertile.

• 1:44:33Speaker 01

  No, he has, I, well, I mean, I would love to make a little Vinny. That would be my dream, but I can't ask anyone I know.

• 1:44:41Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:44:42Speaker 01

  I have to go to the bank.

• 1:44:43Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 1:44:44Speaker 01

  Actually, that's not true. I could ask someone I know, but no one I like see a lot.

• 1:44:49Dax Shepard?

  Right.

• 1:44:50Speaker 01

  Cause wouldn't you feel, wouldn't both of you feel weird if both of, if one of you, either of you gave me your sperm?

• 1:44:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:58Speaker 01

  And then we were all hanging out and my kid's there and it's your kid.

• 1:45:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it would, I would have to be involved.

• 1:45:04Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:45:05Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I couldn't just pretend like, oh, I donated.

• 1:45:09Speaker 01

  Exactly. And then that gets complicated for everyone.

• 1:45:13Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:45:13Speaker 01

  I guess not.

• 1:45:14Dax Shepard?

  And as you know, I offered a friend's sperm years ago, over a decade ago.

• 1:45:18Speaker 01

  They turned it down.

• 1:45:19Dax Shepard?

  They said, I would love that. We're gonna try one more round. First I asked Kristen.

• 1:45:25Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 1:45:26Dax Shepard?

  Care if I, and we didn't have kids yet. So I, this is, I, I was like naive to what I thought. I thought I would just like, yeah, who cares? They'll give him the sperm.

• 1:45:33Speaker 01

  Be done with it.

• 1:45:34Dax Shepard?

  They didn't. Thank God. Let's just say the parenting I totally disagreed with. It would, it'd be crazy for me to be looking on the outside and not want to rescue.

• 1:45:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:45:46Dax Shepard?

  So a child, yeah, that's half me. It would be crazy. I'm so grateful that didn't happen.

• 1:45:53Speaker 01

  But like, if I had, if I had a kid that was half yours and I was letting them go shopping every day.

• 1:46:00Dax Shepard?

  No, more like, what if you had a kid and you were really crazy protective and he wasn't allowed to do anything and he'd never learned to ride a bike and he didn't?

• 1:46:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's more likely for me.

• 1:46:09Dax Shepard?

  That would be hard for me to watch.

• 1:46:12Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:46:13Dax Shepard?

  Big time.

• 1:46:13Speaker 01

  That's.

• 1:46:14Dax Shepard?

  So I would go, this is, this kid's like a, he wants to be out there tackling.

• 1:46:19Speaker 01

  According to you.

• 1:46:20Dax Shepard?

  Mm hmm. Well, if it's half me, odds are.

• 1:46:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, you definitely can't be giving anyone your sperm.

• 1:46:24Dax Shepard?

  No, no.

• 1:46:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is.

• 1:46:25Dax Shepard?

  I didn't, but I only feel this way after having kids.

• 1:46:29Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 1:46:30Dax Shepard?

  Like if I was seeing Lincoln around.

• 1:46:32Speaker 01

  It wouldn't feel the same would be my guess.

• 1:46:35Dax Shepard?

  I don't know if like, when I look at Lincoln, as you just said.

• 1:46:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:46:39Dax Shepard?

  She has my face at that age. And if I was around her, that, it would be hard.

• 1:46:46Speaker 01

  If you, oh yeah, I'm forgetting you're around her. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

• 1:46:50Dax Shepard?

  It'd have to be a situation, to be honest, where it was like. If A, I have a vasectomy, so it's not even an option.

• 1:46:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:46:57Dax Shepard?

  But if we had a friend who wanted that and needed that, and we decided yes, I would, I would be involved.

• 1:47:05Speaker 01

  Oh, that would, Kristen wouldn't want that.

• 1:47:10Dax Shepard?

  Well, Kristen wouldn't.

• 1:47:12Speaker 01

  I mean, not that.

• 1:47:12Dax Shepard?

  Care, actually, like.

• 1:47:14Speaker 01

  Well, that's a lot on her. That would be a lot on her for you to then like, kinda take on this other kid.

• 1:47:22Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, it's very complicated. If I reverse it, let's say, so she needed to give an egg to somebody. She gave an egg and then.

• 1:47:30Speaker 01

  And she demanded to be in their life.

• 1:47:32Dax Shepard?

  That's what's tricky, because there's a mom involved already. In my scenario, there's no dad involved.

• 1:47:37Speaker 01

  Oh, right. Well, no, let's say there's no mom involved. She gives it to.

• 1:47:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh, to a guy?

• 1:47:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:47:43Dax Shepard?

  Oh, interesting. Yeah, okay. And then this guy, so Jess has a kid with Kristen's egg.

• 1:47:53Speaker 01

  Lucky him. That would be a cute kid.

• 1:47:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yeah. What would win? The tininess or the tallness?

• 1:47:59Speaker 01

  I think it'd be red hair and tiny.

• 1:48:02Dax Shepard?

  Oh, like Seth.

• 1:48:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, like Seth's kid.

• 1:48:06Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I don't know how she would juggle it. I would expect her to want to be very involved in Jess's kid's life if it was her egg and.

• 1:48:18Speaker 01

  I mean, the whole family would just have to get on board. You'd have to get on board. It's like, this is basically our goddaughter. This is our goddaughter.

• 1:48:25Dax Shepard?

  This is our daughter.

• 1:48:26Speaker 01

  Well, no, because that's not, see, this is where things get.

• 1:48:30Dax Shepard?

  But what if Jess wanted the child to have Kristen as the mom?

• 1:48:34Speaker 01

  Okay, but.

• 1:48:34Dax Shepard?

  Because she kind of grew up like separated and you understood like, oh yeah, my dad's gay, so he got a donor, but that's my mom and I love her.

• 1:48:41Speaker 01

  Right. So that's one scenario.

• 1:48:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:44Speaker 01

  And then there's a more common scenario, which is that the, the.

• 1:48:50Speaker 01

  The dad or mom wants to raise their kid like as they want to raise their kid and not then go to their donor and like co-parent.

• 1:49:00Dax Shepard?

  Unless it's their friend and they're already immersed in one another's life.

• 1:49:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, but maybe like, you know, you know how it is with all the parents and stuff. You don't want advice or co-parenting from some other parent, even if you really like them. Like, we all, we have a pod full of parents and I actually think this is a great thing about the pod. I mean, of course, people ask each other for advice and there's like conversations about parenting.

• 1:49:24Dax Shepard?

  But very little.

• 1:49:25Speaker 01

  But very little.

• 1:49:26Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, we're all.

• 1:49:27Speaker 01

  People are parenting differently.

• 1:49:29Dax Shepard?

  That's right.

• 1:49:30Speaker 01

  Across the board and that's great.

• 1:49:32Dax Shepard?

  And we're all.

• 1:49:33Speaker 01

  Everyone's accepting of that.

• 1:49:35Dax Shepard?

  Close to non-judgmental as you can get about it.

• 1:49:37Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:49:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:49:37Speaker 01

  So I don't think it would work if it was like, hey, Dax, just so you know, like, I think what you should be maybe doing with Lincoln is, you know.

• 1:49:48Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, no, it would just have to be with my time with the child.

• 1:49:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's hard on the kid.

• 1:49:55Dax Shepard?

  All right, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I can't do it and also I'm not doing it.

• 1:49:59Speaker 01

  It's not just you. This is an interesting question in general.

• 1:50:02Dax Shepard?

  I think so.

• 1:50:02Speaker 01

  Like for people.

• 1:50:03Dax Shepard?

  I think it could be done though. Like, let's just say like, there is a version where Kristen's egg was given to Jess and he has a little girl and they and she knows Kristen's her mom and she has a mom and she sees her mom a lot.

• 1:50:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, but maybe he's like, but then the baby might think, but that's, it's hard for a kid. Maybe.

• 1:50:26Dax Shepard?

  Maybe.

• 1:50:27Speaker 01

  Actually, I, yeah, I have no idea.

• 1:50:29Dax Shepard?

  What's normal.

• 1:50:29Speaker 01

  I have no idea.

• 1:50:31Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I think whatever you're raised in is standard and you don't think too much of it.

• 1:50:35Speaker 01

  What people do in, with the sperm, when they get to choose sperm.

• 1:50:42Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:42Speaker 01

  As opposed to choosing your partner.

• 1:50:44Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh.

• 1:50:45Speaker 01

  This is different, right? What you have the ability to do when you're choosing sperm is like, you're kind of creating what you think is like the perfect person.

• 1:50:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:54Speaker 01

  Mix with what you know you're giving. So it's like, you know, the good qualities you're giving and the bad ones.

• 1:51:02Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:02Speaker 01

  If you, if you're being honest with yourself, like I might be handing over these sets of things. So what I don't want to do.

• 1:51:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, me. I was like, if you want a deaf, dyslexic alcoholic, look no further.

• 1:51:13Speaker 01

  This is me.

• 1:51:14Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, these are the genetics.

• 1:51:16Speaker 01

  No, but I mean, like, I guess I'm sort of.

• 1:51:18Dax Shepard?

  Don't you think you do want to attempt to level out? Yes, balance.

• 1:51:22Speaker 01

  That's what I'm saying.

• 1:51:23Dax Shepard?

  I'm not gonna go get an addict egg. That's too much addict in the mix.

• 1:51:28Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:51:29Dax Shepard?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 1:51:29Speaker 01

  Probably, I mean, also, of course, there are kids with two addict parents that are beautiful and wonderful and great.

• 1:51:37Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:38Speaker 01

  In some ways, you, your mom isn't, is an addict in some ways. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's like, there's.

• 1:51:44Dax Shepard?

  And I got both things. I got my dad.

• 1:51:45Speaker 01

  I know.

• 1:51:46Dax Shepard?

  My dad was a love addict. What am I talking about? Love addicts.

• 1:51:49Speaker 01

  You got it all.

• 1:51:50Dax Shepard?

  I got it all. Yeah.

• 1:51:51Speaker 01

  So, and you're great.

• 1:51:53Dax Shepard?

  I'm largely.

• 1:51:54Speaker 01

  You're thriving.

• 1:51:55Dax Shepard?

  I'm largely great.

• 1:51:56Speaker 01

  We can at least agree that you're thriving and your life has worked out really nicely. So like, you know, you don't. And partners don't do this, I don't think. I mean, sometimes they think through like, oh, this is a good partnership because they're like bouncing me out. But I don't think that's what a lot of relationships are.

• 1:52:16Dax Shepard?

  I think you're not thinking of kids right.

• 1:52:18Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 1:52:19Dax Shepard?

  Except I was. At 32, I was very mission driven.

• 1:52:23Speaker 01

  I know, but most people aren't. They're attraction driven.

• 1:52:26Dax Shepard?

  And then they decide they want to have a kid. And then you start thinking, oh, boy, both of us don't clean the house.

• 1:52:31Speaker 01

  Exactly. So anyway, it's just interesting and yeah.

• 1:52:34Dax Shepard?

  Rob, would you give your sperm to anyone?

• 1:52:37Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, I guess so.

• 1:52:39Speaker 01

  In someone you know or?

• 1:52:42Dax Shepard?

  Monica?

• 1:52:42Speaker 03

  If someone needed it.

• 1:52:44Speaker 01

  That's nice of you.

• 1:52:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:46Speaker 01

  What about, but what if you saw them every day?

• 1:52:50Speaker 03

  I don't think about, I mean, like my sister was a surrogate for a family and birthed two kids for them.

• 1:52:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, that feels a little different.

• 1:52:59Dax Shepard?

  Right?

• 1:53:00Speaker 03

  No, it wasn't her egg.

• 1:53:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:03Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:04Speaker 01

  I think a lot, it's just your personality. I think a lot of people can say like, oh, that's great. I'm just helping.

• 1:53:09Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 1:53:09Speaker 01

  And that's great.

• 1:53:10Dax Shepard?

  That is great.

• 1:53:11Speaker 01

  My kid.

• 1:53:12Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:12Speaker 01

  Your kid.

• 1:53:13Dax Shepard?

  That was the donor we talked to on Armchair Anonymous who had like a hundred kids.

• 1:53:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53:19Dax Shepard?

  He was just like, yeah, if you want to meet, let's meet. Like, I don't feel any.

• 1:53:22Speaker 01

  Connection.

• 1:53:22Dax Shepard?

  Or guilt that I'm not raising anyone.

• 1:53:24Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't think anyone should feel guilt.

• 1:53:28Dax Shepard?

  I would.

• 1:53:29Speaker 03

  I think the guilt will come if you saw that the kid wasn't being raised.

• 1:53:32Speaker 01

  Right, yeah.

• 1:53:33Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:33Speaker 03

  Or was struggling and then like helping would maybe come into question then.

• 1:53:38Speaker 01

  Right. All right, this is.

• 1:53:41Dax Shepard?

  Bert.

• 1:53:42Speaker 01

  This is for Bert.

• 1:53:43Dax Shepard?

  Bert.

• 1:53:44Speaker 01

  Now, what animals are native to Germany? Because he's under the impression that they don't have any predators there.

• 1:53:53Dax Shepard?

  Any threats.

• 1:53:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:53:55Dax Shepard?

  Sleep outside in the woods naked. There's a chapter in Schwarzenegger's book, Education of a Bodybuilder, where he and Franco were, for a period in Germany, weightlifting in the woods naked. And they would have a barbecue and they would drink wine. And he said like, old time gladiators.

• 1:54:16Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:54:17Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, just imagine walking through the woods and you see two bodybuilders squatting naked.

• 1:54:22Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:54:23Dax Shepard?

  With raw meat everywhere.

• 1:54:24Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 1:54:25Dax Shepard?

  Bottles of wine.

• 1:54:26Speaker 01

  Wow, good for them.

• 1:54:27Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:28Speaker 01

  Okay, number 10, chamois. That's like a goat.

• 1:54:34Dax Shepard?

  Okay, that's also kind of the name of the chamois.

• 1:54:39Speaker 03

  Shamwow.

• 1:54:40Speaker 01

  Shamwow. Good call. Okay, red fox. I think red foxes are so cute.

• 1:54:47Dax Shepard?

  I wouldn't be afraid to fight a red fox. I don't think you would either.

• 1:54:49Speaker 01

  I think you should because I kind of think I'm a red fox.

• 1:54:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:54:53Speaker 01

  I'm not, am I? God.

• 1:54:55Dax Shepard?

  Well, hold on.

• 1:54:57Speaker 01

  I'm not. As soon as I said it, I knew I wasn't.

• 1:54:59Dax Shepard?

  I do think fox is an appealing animal to identify with if you're a woman.

• 1:55:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, because that's a.

• 1:55:05Dax Shepard?

  They're clever, they're athletic.

• 1:55:07Speaker 01

  Well, people call, if you're hot, you say you're a fox.

• 1:55:11Dax Shepard?

  Foxy, foxy lady.

• 1:55:12Speaker 01

  But I'm not. I'm just a chinchilla.

• 1:55:15Dax Shepard?

  Well, chinchillas are very cute. Have you ever held a chinchilla?

• 1:55:18Speaker 01

  They're like, they're like the Armchair Anonymous leg guy. They're like jam.

• 1:55:23Dax Shepard?

  Oh, geez. No. Yeah, they don't have a ribcage or.

• 1:55:26Speaker 01

  See? Eight, greater horseshoe bat.

• 1:55:31Speaker 01

  Seven bicolored shrew. At least I'm not a bike. Am I a bicolored shrew?

• 1:55:37Dax Shepard?

  There you are. No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:55:41Speaker 01

  I kinda look like that. That looks like a little mouse.

• 1:55:43Dax Shepard?

  Shrews are clever, right? They're supposed to be real clever.

• 1:55:45Speaker 01

  European badger.

• 1:55:47Dax Shepard?

  Now, that's a tough customer. You don't want to tangle with a badger.

• 1:55:51Speaker 01

  Um, well, except that the, it's diet is made up of root tubers, large insects, carrion, ugh, cereals and small mammals.

• 1:56:00Dax Shepard?

  It eats cereal?

• 1:56:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:56:01Dax Shepard?

  I wonder what his favorite, eats Captain Crunch?

• 1:56:05Speaker 01

  Um.

• 1:56:06Dax Shepard?

  You're a small mammal, I just will add.

• 1:56:08Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:56:09Dax Shepard?

  So you should watch your.

• 1:56:10Speaker 01

  Cause I'm a.

• 1:56:10Dax Shepard?

  I would way rather fight a red fox than a badger.

• 1:56:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's probably right. Okay, um, wild boar.

• 1:56:17Dax Shepard?

  Scary.

• 1:56:18Speaker 01

  European wildcat. Now, these are interesting because they're big, but they look like regular domestic cats.

• 1:56:25Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:26Speaker 01

  And I find that creepy. I don't like that.

• 1:56:28Dax Shepard?

  I know. If I see a domestic cat in the woods, um, I think a witch is nearby.

• 1:56:33Speaker 01

  Yes, did a spell, made that cat huge.

• 1:56:36Dax Shepard?

  Is a witch and can transform.

• 1:56:40Speaker 01

  Harry Potter. Okay, European pine marten.

• 1:56:44Dax Shepard?

  What's that?

• 1:56:45Speaker 01

  Uh, that is a family of badger weasel.

• 1:56:49Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:56:49Speaker 01

  Otter and mink.

• 1:56:50Dax Shepard?

  Ooh.

• 1:56:51Speaker 01

  Um, wooded areas, they're found in wooded areas. Fast runners.

• 1:56:56Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 1:56:57Speaker 01

  Both good on the ground and in trees. Fire salamander, very scary.

• 1:57:04Dax Shepard?

  If you're barefoot.

• 1:57:04Speaker 01

  Poison glands.

• 1:57:05Dax Shepard?

  Oh.

• 1:57:06Speaker 01

  And alpine ibex.

• 1:57:09Dax Shepard?

  Ibex.

• 1:57:11Speaker 01

  Um, all right. So there's nothing I'm too scared of here.

• 1:57:13Dax Shepard?

  He was right.

• 1:57:14Speaker 01

  I'll give him that.

• 1:57:15Dax Shepard?

  He was right.

• 1:57:15Speaker 01

  Okay, do the dealers in Vegas get to keep their tips or does it go to the house? Nevada laws allow tips to be shared among employees as long as the employer doesn't keep any of them. This gives casinos and other employers in Nevada the authority to require employees to share tips with both tipped and non-tipped workers as long as none of the participants are considered the employer.

• 1:57:37Dax Shepard?

  This would be a bad arrangement for me. I would have a very hard time with this.

• 1:57:41Speaker 01

  You would not.

• 1:57:41Dax Shepard?

  If I saw someone with a shitty personality that was not kind to everyone, I'd be like, dude, you gotta brighten it up so we can get, we're pulling our tips. I'm over here bringing in 300 bucks. Learn some jokes, do your hair, brush your teeth.

• 1:57:54Speaker 01

  You know what? They should take Jess's class.

• 1:57:57Dax Shepard?

  They should.

• 1:57:58Speaker 01

  Cause he's really changing the game over there.

• 1:58:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:01Speaker 01

  He really is.

• 1:58:02Dax Shepard?

  People's tips are doubling and.

• 1:58:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, he has all these restaurants. It's it's called the restaurant launch and he has all these restaurants that he

• 1:58:12Speaker 01

  helps. He like comes in and teaches them how to up their game and how to like really be a good server.

• 1:58:19Dax Shepard?

  That's awesome.

• 1:58:20Speaker 01

  Now, ten highest grossing comedy tours of 2024.

• 1:58:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, here we go. We should get Mindy on the phone for this.

• 1:58:30Speaker 01

  Mindy Kaling?

• 1:58:31Dax Shepard?

  Cause she loves counting people's money.

• 1:58:33Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:58:34Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, this is her and I's kind of list.

• 1:58:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, she wants this listed on people's houses.

• 1:58:39Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, should we call her?

• 1:58:41Speaker 01

  No, she's busy.

• 1:58:43Dax Shepard?

  Let's call her.

• 1:58:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:58:45Dax Shepard?

  You're so scared.

• 1:58:46Speaker 01

  I, yeah, I don't want to bother her. Don't bother her.

• 1:58:49Dax Shepard?

  We bother a lot of people.

• 1:58:50Speaker 01

  What are we gonna do? Tell her about everyone's money?

• 1:58:53Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:54Speaker 01

  Oh, I don't know.

• 1:58:56Dax Shepard?

  Oh, you're so scared.

• 1:59:00Speaker 01

  You're so ballsy.

• 1:59:01Dax Shepard?

  This is like the situation with the watch. I'll probably like, I'll I'll regret this.

• 1:59:05Speaker 01

  Yes, and you're gonna drag me into this?

• 1:59:07Dax Shepard?

  I'm scared to answer. I've never called her.

• 1:59:08Speaker 01

  I'm playing it so cool with her and here you are.

• 1:59:11Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, I'm burning. I'm lighting this bridge way on fire.

• 1:59:16Speaker 01

  She might be at her kid's rainbow run. Your call has.

• 1:59:19Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, she's not gonna answer. Alright.

• 1:59:21Speaker 01

  I feel really relieved.

• 1:59:22Dax Shepard?

  Okay, great. I'm just gonna leave her a quick voice memo.

• 1:59:27Speaker 01

  You're gonna call back?

• 1:59:28Dax Shepard?

  No, I'm gonna, oh, I'm gonna leave a voice memo. Monica's so up in arms right now that I have the audacity to call you.

• 1:59:34Speaker 01

  Mindy, I'm so sorry. We know you're very busy. I don't know why you did this.

• 1:59:38Dax Shepard?

  Too busy to take a phone call, but we were about to read the list of the top 10 comedy tours, the financials. And I said, I need my friend Mindy here so we can count everyone else's money. Let's get her on the phone for this.

• 1:59:53Speaker 01

  We're happy you didn't answer.

• 1:59:54Dax Shepard?

  Monica's very relieved you didn't answer. She thinks this might be the end of our burgeoning friendship.

• 2:00:02Speaker 01

  Okay. I'm sweating again.

• 2:00:04Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that made you very nervous.

• 2:00:06Speaker 01

  God. You know, there's only a few people in this world who make me nervous.

• 2:00:10Dax Shepard?

  I know. She's one of them.

• 2:00:11Speaker 01

  Oh, you want to call Matt next?

• 2:00:13Dax Shepard?

  Yep.

• 2:00:13Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 2:00:14Dax Shepard?

  Hey, man, you want to know who, how much money all these stand-up tours are making?

• 2:00:19Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 2:00:19Dax Shepard?

  There we go.

• 2:00:20Speaker 01

  Joe Coy, number 10. We're going to go in 10 to 1.

• 2:00:23Dax Shepard?

  Okay.

• 2:00:24Speaker 01

  Joe Coy, he grossed $26 million. He did 83 shows, 368,000 tickets sold.

• 2:00:33Dax Shepard?

  And he's been doing this for years.

• 2:00:37Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:00:38Dax Shepard?

  I wonder if he has a huge mansion somewhere.

• 2:00:40Speaker 01

  I'm sure. He should go on Cribs.

• 2:00:42Dax Shepard?

  Oh, they all should.

• 2:00:44Speaker 01

  They should.

• 2:00:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, the whole season should be top.

• 2:00:46Speaker 01

  Oh, they should.

• 2:00:47Dax Shepard?

  That's a good idea.

• 2:00:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. Okay, number nine, Adam Sandler. He grossed $27 million, 26 shows only.

• 2:00:57Dax Shepard?

  A million a show.

• 2:00:59Speaker 01

  261,000 tickets.

• 2:01:01Dax Shepard?

  Gosh, good for him.

• 2:01:03Speaker 01

  Number eight, Jerry Seinfeld, another classic.

• 2:01:07Dax Shepard?

  Two guys who have so much money and they just can't help but make more.

• 2:01:11Speaker 01

  They can't. 27.8 million, 36 shows, 199,000 tickets.

• 2:01:17Dax Shepard?

  So Sandler's making more per show than Seinfeld. That's interesting. Seinfeld must play smaller.

• 2:01:23Speaker 01

  I also think Adam Sandler is not as, um, he's harder to get.

• 2:01:31Dax Shepard?

  Hmm.

• 2:01:32Speaker 01

  Seinfeld does do comedy tours every now and then, but

• 2:01:35Dax Shepard?

  That's true.

• 2:01:36Speaker 01

  Adam Sandler, like, oof. Um, Trevor Noah, number seven.

• 2:01:41Dax Shepard?

  29 million.

• 2:01:42Speaker 01

  29.7.

• 2:01:43Dax Shepard?

  30 million.

• 2:01:45Speaker 01

  94 shows, 392,000 tickets. Number six, here's our guy.

• 2:01:51Dax Shepard?

  Here he is.

• 2:01:52Speaker 01

  Bert Kreischer, no shirt.

• 2:01:54Dax Shepard?

  No shirt.

• 2:01:56Speaker 01

  29.7 million.

• 2:01:58Dax Shepard?

  Exact same as, I wonder why they put him above Trevor.

• 2:02:03Speaker 01

  Because 64 shows, less shows.

• 2:02:07Dax Shepard?

  Oh, less shows, pound for pound.

• 2:02:09Speaker 01

  388,000 tickets.

• 2:02:12Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 2:02:13Speaker 01

  Number five, another friend of the pod, Sebastian Maniscalco. Enjoy very enjoyable episode. Check it out in the archives.

• 2:02:21Dax Shepard?

  Yes.

• 2:02:22Speaker 01

  Thirty six point five million dollars.

• 2:02:24Dax Shepard?

  Oh, I love it.

• 2:02:26Speaker 01

  Fifty three shows, two hundred and ninety three thousand tickets.

• 2:02:30Dax Shepard?

  Oh, baby.

• 2:02:31Speaker 01

  Number four, Cat Williams.

• 2:02:33Dax Shepard?

  Now this.

• 2:02:36Dax Shepard?

  Just let everyone know, I read this list.

• 2:02:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02:38Dax Shepard?

  Like three weeks ago.

• 2:02:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02:40Dax Shepard?

  I think after we had Burt on, I got real nosey. Cause I asked him how much he's, is he making more on tour or from his podcast?

• 2:02:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:02:47Dax Shepard?

  And when he said way more on tour, I thought, what is that number anyways? Cat Williams, I thought. Was. We go on podcasts. He blasts a bunch of people and be a very viral. Although somehow you didn't, you didn't see his last round of viral. He did one interview that he just, he lined up 20 people and just let them have it. I had no idea he was the king of stand up.

• 2:03:15Speaker 01

  Number three, I mean, I'm sorry, number four, number four.

• 2:03:18Dax Shepard?

  How much?

• 2:03:19Speaker 01

  Thirty seven point five million.

• 2:03:20Dax Shepard?

  God, I want to see his house.

• 2:03:22Speaker 01

  Sixty shows, three hundred and ninety nine thousand tickets.

• 2:03:25Dax Shepard?

  Oh, tasty.

• 2:03:26Speaker 01

  Number three, Gabriela Iglesias.

• 2:03:29Dax Shepard?

  Sure.

• 2:03:29Speaker 01

  Forty two point eight million.

• 2:03:31Dax Shepard?

  Ooh.

• 2:03:33Speaker 01

  Hundred and twenty four shows, six hundred and three thousand tickets.

• 2:03:40Speaker 01

  Number two, Matt Rife.

• 2:03:41Dax Shepard?

  Matt Rife, this is the cute comedian.

• 2:03:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, he's younger. Fifty seven point five million.

• 2:03:49Dax Shepard?

  God, what do you do in your twenties with fifty seven?

• 2:03:51Speaker 01

  It's a lot.

• 2:03:52Dax Shepard?

  I hope he has so many dumb Lamborghinis and Ferraris.

• 2:03:55Speaker 01

  I hope he's giving to charity.

• 2:03:57Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:03:58Speaker 01

  Two hundred and fifty six shows.

• 2:04:00Dax Shepard?

  That's too many.

• 2:04:01Speaker 01

  That's.

• 2:04:02Dax Shepard?

  That's a lot.

• 2:04:02Speaker 01

  Every day, seven hundred and thirty three thousand tickets.

• 2:04:06Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 2:04:07Speaker 01

  Number one, Nate Bargatze.

• 2:04:10Dax Shepard?

  Nate.

• 2:04:10Speaker 01

  Eighty two point two million.

• 2:04:13Dax Shepard?

  Two point two million. Hundred. I want him to hit a hundred million so bad.

• 2:04:18Speaker 01

  He will.

• 2:04:19Dax Shepard?

  For no reason.

• 2:04:19Speaker 01

  Hundred and forty eight shows, one million, one hundred thousand tickets.

• 2:04:24Dax Shepard?

  Wow.

• 2:04:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:04:26Dax Shepard?

  Wow, wow, wow, wow.

• 2:04:27Speaker 01

  Pretty cool. Okay, um, are orcas acting up? Yeah. Yeah, they're ramming boats and.

• 2:04:34Dax Shepard?

  Getting wily.

• 2:04:35Speaker 01

  They're getting real wily. Now. What's way more interesting is while I was editing this episode and we were at the orcas part and the orcas part was part of the SeaWorld portion of this episode where he talks about finding someone's ring at SeaWorld.

• 2:04:52Dax Shepard?

  Oh, yes.

• 2:04:53Speaker 01

  Anyone that's

• 2:04:53Dax Shepard?

  Cause he finds everything.

• 2:04:54Speaker 01

  Finds things, but then we were talking about SeaWorld and orcas and I'm in the middle of that part, listening and then email pops up. It's a request. It's an ad request for SeaWorld.

• 2:05:09Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's crazy.

• 2:05:11Speaker 01

  At the exact moment.

• 2:05:13Dax Shepard?

  And let's be clear, it's not an ad to come visit SeaWorld. It is a request for us to have them as a sponsor.

• 2:05:18Speaker 01

  Correct.

• 2:05:20Dax Shepard?

  Which your computer couldn't listen to that and figure that out.

• 2:05:24Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:05:24Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, that's really wild.

• 2:05:26Speaker 01

  That was such a glitch.

• 2:05:28Dax Shepard?

  Uh huh. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

• 2:05:30Speaker 01

  Okay, now what is Campari? Oh, I regret to inform you. I know. Okay, you told me that Bert did have the bee's knees.

• 2:05:40Dax Shepard?

  That night and loved it.

• 2:05:44Speaker 01

  I know.

• 2:05:44Dax Shepard?

  Yeah.

• 2:05:45Speaker 01

  And I haven't done his yet.

• 2:05:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, you're not good at this pact.

• 2:05:49Speaker 01

  I feel bad.

• 2:05:50Dax Shepard?

  And then you were supposed to do it last week.

• 2:05:53Speaker 01

  I wasn't. I didn't do it again. I know.

• 2:05:56Dax Shepard?

  Tonight's a drinking night, right?

• 2:05:58Speaker 01

  Friday. Yeah, I could probably get some down.

• 2:06:01Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, why don't you try it?

• 2:06:02Speaker 01

  The problem is, but I'm gonna be open because I want to do this for Bert. I just know I'm not gonna like the Campari sprits.

• 2:06:10Dax Shepard?

  Well, not with that attitude.

• 2:06:13Speaker 01

  I just, I don't even like Aperol sprits, which everyone likes. And this is like a stronger, more bitter version of Aperol. But you know what? I'm gonna do it.

• 2:06:23Dax Shepard?

  You never drink Jack Daniels, huh?

• 2:06:25Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:06:26Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 2:06:26Speaker 01

  But I, I, I drink whiskey.

• 2:06:30Dax Shepard?

  Okay, just not Jack.

• 2:06:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:06:32Dax Shepard?

  What about a Jack ginger for you?

• 2:06:34Speaker 01

  But I don't like Jack Daniels.

• 2:06:36Dax Shepard?

  Well, you might with ginger ale.

• 2:06:37Speaker 01

  Well, why do I have to? Why can't I go with something fancy?

• 2:06:39Dax Shepard?

  Cause it's the best drink.

• 2:06:42Dax Shepard?

  It's the one I've drank the most of.

• 2:06:44Speaker 01

  Oh, you do ginger ale?

• 2:06:46Dax Shepard?

  Yeah, Jack Ginger's ginger ale and Jack Daniels.

• 2:06:48Speaker 01

  What about ginger beer?

• 2:06:50Dax Shepard?

  It's not my favorite.

• 2:06:52Speaker 01

  Really?

• 2:06:52Dax Shepard?

  No.

• 2:06:54Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 2:06:55Dax Shepard?

  Jack and Diet's the best taste, but you don't even like Diet Coke. So that's, I don't want to start you there.

• 2:07:00Speaker 01

  Can I do like, can I do like?

• 2:07:03Dax Shepard?

  Do you shave your sides and start drinking Jack? I mean.

• 2:07:07Speaker 01

  I drink whiskey. I drink old fashions.

• 2:07:10Dax Shepard?

  Oh, what's your brand? Nob Hill or one of these?

• 2:07:13Speaker 01

  No, I like Four Roses. I like Blantons.

• 2:07:16Dax Shepard?

  Blantons?

• 2:07:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:07:17Dax Shepard?

  I don't know about.

• 2:07:18Speaker 01

  Blantons is fancy.

• 2:07:19Dax Shepard?

  Is that? A lot of them have all come out in the last 20 years since I quit.

• 2:07:23Speaker 01

  Four Roses, you probably would have liked. It's, it's really good and it's.

• 2:07:28Dax Shepard?

  Bourbon?

• 2:07:30Dax Shepard?

  No, I like, I like Jim Beam and Jack Daniels.

• 2:07:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're going classic.

• 2:07:34Dax Shepard?

  That's right.

• 2:07:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:07:35Dax Shepard?

  It's like Levi's jeans. You know?

• 2:07:38Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 2:07:39Dax Shepard?

  It's what America was built on.

• 2:07:41Speaker 01

  Have you ever had Woodford? Woodford Reserve? Very good.

• 2:07:44Dax Shepard?

  These are triggering names for me a little bit.

• 2:07:46Speaker 01

  Cause they're, they sound elite. Oh my.

• 2:07:48Dax Shepard?

  They're trying to be like Oak Barrel Whiskey. Like call it, call it a man's name. Jim Beam.

• 2:07:54Speaker 01

  Ew, no.

• 2:07:56Dax Shepard?

  Bill Rutherford, Mike Pence.

• 2:07:59Speaker 01

  Oh my, oh.

• 2:07:59Dax Shepard?

  What if Mike Pence had a?

• 2:08:01Speaker 01

  I could see it.

• 2:08:02Dax Shepard?

  He should have a whiskey.

• 2:08:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, well.

• 2:08:04Dax Shepard?

  Actually, he should have a gin.

• 2:08:06Speaker 01

  No.

• 2:08:06Dax Shepard?

  Gin.

• 2:08:07Speaker 01

  Absolutely not, because I like gin.

• 2:08:09Dax Shepard?

  But you're gonna love Mike Pence's gin. Jim. All right.

• 2:08:14Speaker 01

  Okay, that's it.

• 2:08:15Dax Shepard?

  Love you.

• 2:08:31Dax Shepard?

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