The 3 Critical Building Blocks of All Life-Long Relationships EP 1475

The Summit of Greatness is back! Buy your tickets today – summitofgreatness.com – Esther Perel will help you understand why relationships are hard for some people in business or with an intimate partner, the different ways to make a relationship work, and how to manage distressed relationships. It’s an incredible interview packed with valuable insights. Faith Jenkins discusses how to not settle in your relationships, how to have emotional maturity in your relationships and why this is so key. She also identifies the subtle red flags that most people miss when finding a partner, the biggest reasons that marriages fail today, and the key things to look out for in a high-value partner. Matthew Hussey is a speaker, New York Times Bestselling author, columnist for Cosmopolitan Magazine, and dating expert on ABC’s digital series What To Text Him Back. His corporate clients include Hugo Boss, The Perfume Shop, Virgin Gyms, Procter & Gamble, Bare Escentuals, U. S. legal giant Weil Gotshal & Manges, and global management consultants Accenture. 50,000+ men and women have attended his live events and he has reached over 10 million online. In this episode you will learn,About “activation energy” and why things like Tinder destroy itWhy space is important in all healthy relationships and how to use it strategicallyThe four stages of all relationshipsThe first step you can do to get out today and attract a healthy relationshipHow to have emotional maturity in your relationshipsFor more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1474For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960Esther Perel’s full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1291-podFaith Jenkins’ full episode: https://link.chtbl.com/1221-podMatthew Hussey’s full episode: lewishowes.com/944 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  Calling all conscious achievers who are seeking more community and connection. I've got an invitation for you. Join me at this year's Summit of Greatness this September 7th through 9th in my hometown of Columbus, Ohio to unleash your true greatness. This is the one time a year that I gather the greatness community together in person for a powerful transformative weekend. People come from all over the world and you can expect to hear from inspiring speakers like Inky Johnson, Josprey Singh, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jen Sanchero, and many more. You'll also be able to dance your heart out to live music, get your body moving with group workouts, and connect with others at our evening socials.

• 0:44Lewis Howes?

  So if you're ready to learn, heal, and grow alongside other incredible individuals in the greatness community, then you can learn more at lewishouse.com/summit2023. Make sure to grab your ticket, invite your friends, and I'll see you there.

• 1:01Esther Perel?

  When you are indifferent, you degrade the other person. They're less important to you. They don't matter. Ultimately, what we feel in relationships is that we matter.

• 1:10Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:34Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to this special masterclass. We brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

• 1:52Speaker 02

  What are the challenges that come up over and over that you see?

• 1:55Esther Perel?

  There's always three questions, right? What's a thriving relationship?

• 1:59Speaker 02

  A thriving one?

• 2:00Esther Perel?

  Yeah. What can go wrong?

• 2:01Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 2:02Esther Perel?

  And how do you fix it?

• 2:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 2:04Esther Perel?

  So you started with the middle question. What goes wrong?

• 2:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yes.

• 2:09Esther Perel?

  I think there's a number of things in a relationship that become the kind of cornerstone of the demise, okay? And I'm not going to list them in order, but they all are part of each other. Indifference, and contempt, and neglect, and violence are probably the four most important.

• 2:32Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 2:32Esther Perel?

  I'm not talking about big violence. Microaggressions are plenty. Indifference, when you start to feel like the other person fundamentally is not really caring about you anymore, or you don't care about them. What they feel, what they think, who they are, what they're about.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  You just don't care. You've lost interest.

• 2:48Esther Perel?

  But it's more than losing of interest. It's also, when you are indifferent, you degrade the other person. They're less important to you. They don't matter. And ultimately, what we feel in relationships is that we matter. That is the essential reason for connecting to people, is that we are creatures of meaning.

• 3:05Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:05Esther Perel?

  I matter to you. I'm someone. You care about me. You want my well-being. You're proud of me. You want good for me. You're benevolent. All of that. When you are indifferent, that whole thing goes. And then you start to, there's that coldness that creeps in, that sense of estrangement, that complete disconnect. That. The second one is neglect. Neglect, when people just basically take each other for granted. You know, they take more care of their car than of their partner.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Or their dog.

• 3:36Esther Perel?

  Or their dog, anybody, anything. Their yard, anything. Anything gets attendance.

• 3:39Speaker 02

  Their business.

• 3:40Esther Perel?

  Their business for sure. Their business for sure. You know, everything gets priority, everything gets reviewed, evaluated, attended to, 360s, you name it. You know, new input. My god, it's like, people have this idea that they put it all in when they were dating, and then once they seal the knot, it's like as if they tied the knot, it's like now they don't have to do squat anymore. And they go into this kind of complete sense of complacency and laziness. It's an amazing thing. They think this thing is just gonna live on its own.

• 4:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 4:12Esther Perel?

  Like a cactus.

• 4:14Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 4:14Esther Perel?

  Violence, violence, the abuse, the level of of disrespect. I mean, most people talk nicer to anybody else than their partner when a relationship degrades. Because you can't get away with it. Because you can't get away with it. Because if you talk like this at work, you're gone.

• 4:31Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 4:32Esther Perel?

  Because if you talk like this with the police, you're gone. Because if you talk like this on the street, you're being punched. But with your partner, you have that sense that they're gonna be there anyway. They're just gonna take it because it's family. And family is this kind of this thing that doesn't dissolve so easily. So you can just lash out at them and talk to them with a tone and a dismissal. That is phenomenal. So that kind of violence. I'm not talking physical violence and all the other big, big things.

• 5:00Lewis Howes?

  Talking about aggression or resentment or.

• 5:02Esther Perel?

  All of that, all of that, you know.

• 5:04Lewis Howes?

  Passive aggressiveness, all those things, yeah.

• 5:06Esther Perel?

  All of that. And then, and then, um, contempt, I think, is the top one. Contempt is the killer of them all. Because in in the contempt, there is a real, there's the degradation of the race. It's that that complete this, you're nothing, you're nothing. I can kill you with that one gaze, that one eyebrow that goes up the, you know, stuff. Do you, who do you think you are? What are? And that's it. You, you're done, you're done.

• 5:33Lewis Howes?

  So how do we even get to this place of these, these places?

• 5:35Esther Perel?

  After having been so in love and so romantic, right?

• 5:38Lewis Howes?

  Is, is desire, uh, reflect that? Or if we're not desiring the person anymore, then we start to feel one of those categories? Or does that not play into it?

• 5:47Esther Perel?

  Look, the truth is this, there's only two relationships that resemble each other. The one you have with your parents or the people who raise you. And the one you have with the people you fall in love with.

• 5:59Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 6:00Esther Perel?

  People can sit in my office all the time and say, I have this with no one else. I don't have this with anybody at work. Nobody among my friends ever thinks like that. You're the only one who speaks like this or thinks this about me or with whom I do this. No, you're the only one and now we go back in history. And I'm sorry to be the psychologist, but that's really.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 6:21Esther Perel?

  It is the place where we often learned about closeness, trust, loyalty, commitment, sharing, taking, receiving, asking, all these essential verbs of relationships. We learned that at home.

• 6:35Lewis Howes?

  We also learned jealousy and all these other things.

• 6:38Esther Perel?

  Possessiveness, vengeance, you name them. The beauty and the not beauty.

• 6:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, we saw it all as children, right? We saw the fights, we saw the love, we saw the.

• 6:45Esther Perel?

  We saw the coldness.

• 6:47Lewis Howes?

  The lack of intimacy, the intimacy, yes.

• 6:49Esther Perel?

  And we bring that with us and we often promise ourselves, I'll never be this one. I'll never be this way, I'll never talk like this. I'll, you know, and we find ourselves often much closer to the apple.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  And then resenting ourselves. We resent ourselves, we're like, how did we do that? Well, why did we get to this place?

• 7:07Esther Perel?

  And then we feel ashamed about it. And since we don't like to feel ashamed about it, we hide it. And one of the way we hide it is we blame the partner. That's just one of the ways, there's a lot. We are very resourceful in not owning our shit.

• 7:21Lewis Howes?

  Right, exactly, exactly. Wow, okay. And where does sex play in all this and desire?

• 7:27Esther Perel?

  So, I mean, the, one of the fascinating things for me in, in looking at sexuality is that it's probably one of the dimensions of relationship that has changed the most in a very, very short amount of time. For most of history and in still the majority of the world, sex is for procreation. Sex is a marital duty on the part of the woman. Nobody cares particularly if she likes it and how she feels and if she wants it. And, um, and men have the privilege to go and find sex elsewhere. In a very short amount of time, we're talking 60 years, we have contraception. Which is the liberation of women for the first time to free sex from reproduction,

• 8:09Esther Perel?

  from mortality, from death in pregnancy and in childbirth, sorry, all of that. And for the first time sexuality moves from just biology and a condition to a part of our identity and a lifestyle.

• 8:22Lewis Howes?

  In sixty years.

• 8:23Esther Perel?

  In sixty years. The women's movement, which goes after the abuses of power. The gay movement, which introduces the concept of identity to sexuality. The fact that sex is for connection and pleasure. The fact that for the first time we have sex before marriage. And many times, a lot. We used to marry and have sex for the first time, now we marry and we stop having sex with others. Okay? Monogamy used to be one person for life, now monogamy is one person at a time. And people go around telling you, "I'm monogamous in all my relationships." And it makes perfect sense to say. Okay? All of that, in a very short amount of time. The fact that I choose you to marry or to live together, doesn't matter, commitment,

• 9:07Esther Perel?

  because I'm attracted to you, because you give me butterflies in my stomach. And the fact that I think that if I don't have these butterflies anymore, maybe I don't love you anymore. And the fact that sexuality in long-term relationships is rooted in wanting only, desire. I feel like it. I want to. Not I have to, not we want many kids. After two kids, the only reason to continue doing it with you is because we feel like it.

• 9:36Lewis Howes?

  Right, it's fun, it's pleasurable, yeah.

• 9:37Esther Perel?

  And hopefully, it's pleasurable, we connect, it feels good, it rounds up the edge of the whole thing.

• 9:42Lewis Howes?

  Deepens our relationships, yeah.

• 9:43Esther Perel?

  That's it. And hopefully, it's at the same time and for each other. Because plenty of desire continues, but it's not always at home.

• 9:50Lewis Howes?

  Right, exactly.

• 9:52Esther Perel?

  So this is an amazing revolution. Sex that is rooted...

• 9:55Lewis Howes?

  It's confusing all of us.

• 9:56Esther Perel?

  And how do we sustain it? So that's why I became fascinated in the nature of erotic desire and how do we sustain desire? Because it is the first time ever that we have a grand experiment of the humankind, where we want sex with one person in the long haul, that is fun and connected and intimate and playful, and we live twice as long. Go figure!

• 10:20Lewis Howes?

  Right, exactly. For sixty years you're gonna be with them, or whatever it is, yeah.

• 10:24Esther Perel?

  It's an amazing ideal.

• 10:25Lewis Howes?

  So how do we navigate this? If we're gonna choose one partner and be with them until, you know, we're both gone, how do we navigate the challenge of... Keeping the desire continuously.

• 10:38Esther Perel?

  I think the first.

• 10:39Lewis Howes?

  Both men and women, because the woman probably sees other men who are attracted to her and, you know, vice versa. So it's like, how do both parties do this?

• 10:46Esther Perel?

  Look, we know that women get bored with monogamy much sooner than men.

• 10:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Is this a fact or is this a?

• 10:53Esther Perel?

  That's research.

• 10:54Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 10:54Esther Perel?

  That's not just fact. That's, that is, men's desire in long-term relationship goes down gradually. He actually is much more able to remain interested. And maybe just because he's interested in the experience itself and he has a partner there. Women's desire post-marriage plummets.

• 11:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 11:11Esther Perel?

  And it's always been translated as, well, that's because women care less about sex. Rather than it's because women care less about the sex that they can have in their committed relationships, which is often not interesting enough for them.

• 11:26Esther Perel?

  And it often has to do with the fact that the story, the character, the plot is not, is not seductive. The romance, which is an essential ingredient of turn-on for the woman, often disappears in the long-term relationship. It's like people look at each other at the end of the day and you want to fool around? You want to do it? You're up for it tonight? Now, this is really not, this is not very much of a turn-on for most women. And the idea that foreplay often starts at the end of the previous orgasm, you know, and not five minutes before the real thing.

• 11:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 11:57Esther Perel?

  Which for her is not the real thing. The whole, the real thing is everything else around it.

• 12:02Lewis Howes?

  Essentially the game.

• 12:03Esther Perel?

  Yes, yes.

• 12:04Lewis Howes?

  It's creating a game.

• 12:05Esther Perel?

  It's seduction. It's a plot. It's a coming close. It's a tease.

• 12:08Lewis Howes?

  Mystery.

• 12:09Esther Perel?

  It's what animals call pacing. It's that I come to you, but I don't overwhelm you. I come just a little bit so that you can come a little bit toward me. And then I don't immediately answer. I actually go back a little bit too. Have you ever seen animals? They do this kind of pacing. And it is an essential playful ingredient of seduction and an excitement. So women's desire plummets.

• 12:33Esther Perel?

  But we interpret it as women are less interested in sex, rather than women are interested in probably just about the same kind of things that many men are. But women have always known what to choose above what turns them on, which was what gives them stability and security in their life.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  Safety, security, family, someone to protect, be there, right?

• 12:51Esther Perel?

  So what people do, look, this is, we want one partner today to give us everything that involves stability and security and everything that involves playfulness and mystery. Okay, that's the grand ideal, okay? I want to be cozy with you and I want to have an edge and I want you to surprise me and I want you to be familiar and I want you to give me continuity and I want you to give me novelty. That's it, as if it's a, right? And no Victoria's Secret is gonna solve that, right? So then it becomes, what is desire? Desire is to own the wanting. If you ask people a question that goes like this, "I turn myself off when?" "I turn myself off by?" Not "You turn me off when?"

• 13:35Esther Perel?

  and "What turns me off is?" You're gonna hear "I turn myself off when I do emails, when I spend too much time on the phone, when I overeat, when I don't exercise, when I have bad days at work, when I don't feel confident, when I numb myself, when I feel dead, when I don't feel thriving, when I'm not alive." You will really hear that it has very little to do with sex. And when you ask people "I turn myself on when or by? I awaken my desires", not "You turn me on when?" and "What turns me on is?", which is, i.e. you're responsible for my wanting.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  Right.

• 14:12Esther Perel?

  What people will talk to you about is when I'm in nature, when I'm connected with my friends, when I get to do my sports, when I play music, when I listen to music. It's stuff that gives me pleasure, that is alive, that is vibrant, that is vital, that is erotic in the full sense of the word as life force. And from that place, people remain interested in having sex with somebody else for the long haul. Not because they've scratched their arms for two seconds, you know? It's, "I feel good about myself."

• 14:44Esther Perel?

  The biggest turn on is confidence.

• 14:46Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 14:47Esther Perel?

  Confidence. You ask people, when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? Every description has to do with when they're in their element, when they're on stage, when they're with, when, when, when they're doing their sport, when they, when they are radiant, when they are in their studio, on the piano, on the horse, you name it. It's when they are in their element, i.e. they don't need me to take care of them.

• 15:11Lewis Howes?

  They're not depressed and down and lonely and sad.

• 15:14Esther Perel?

  They're not needy. They don't need me because desire is about wanting you. Love is also about needing you. Caretaking is a very powerful experience in love and it is a very powerful anti aphrodisiac.

• 15:28Lewis Howes?

  So how do you experience love and desire at the same time?

• 15:32Esther Perel?

  You calibrate it.

• 15:33Lewis Howes?

  So sometimes you're...

• 15:35Esther Perel?

  It's the same as when you walk. You have to move from one foot to the other. A balance is not about staying on one side. A balance is the ability to see, right now, we don't need caretaking. We can be mischievous, we can be naughty, we can be playful, we can break our own rules, we can stay home and not go to work at eight o'clock.

• 15:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 15:54Esther Perel?

  And now we are in a playful zone. Now we are feeling that we are bringing our own little transgressions home. We are alive. We're not just being dutiful, responsible, good citizens.

• 16:05Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 16:06Esther Perel?

  It's that. It's very small, you know? I always think, when I go and I see people at lunch and you see them talking and they're well dressed and they're awake and all, I think, who is here with their partner?

• 16:20Esther Perel?

  Because you can see them. They're engaged, they're giving the best of themselves. That's erotic. No, the majority are not there with their partner. They're there with their friends, with their colleagues. Their partner is gonna get the leftover when they come home at night. Sorry, you know what? Forget the night date. Meet at lunch, when you actually have energy. You know? When you, and, and in the middle of the day like that, when you're awake, when you have something to offer. It's a very small thing, but they don't do it. They don't do it and you say, why not? Why not? Why don't you stay an hour extra at home in the morning and not just because when you have a headache? And just say, this matters to me. All in all, you know, committed sex is premeditated sex. It's not just gonna happen. Because whatever is gonna just happen already has.

• 17:04Esther Perel?

  So you're gonna make it happen. Because you say, we matter. We're important. Let's do this. Let's spend, doesn't mean if you're gonna make love or have sex. It just means we're gonna take this hour. And there's nothing else that matters in this moment. But just you and I to be together, to check in. And then we'll see what unfolds. That's the erotic space in which sex may happen. Probably will, doesn't have to. But it is the place from which it is much more likely to emerge. But people don't do that. They do the responsibility, that's the love, right? The citizen, the commitment, the care taking, the burdens, the safe. And then they say, I'm bored. I would be too.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  Oh, exactly. There's no mystery, there's no risk-taking, right? Exactly, yeah.

• 17:48Esther Perel?

  There's no risk-taking. That's the word. If you want desire, it's risk. And the risk is an emotional risk. It's not about sexy risks. It's really a risk on the emotional front is that I bring something else to you to differently from, um, differently from, from the way I typically present myself.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 18:07Esther Perel?

  You know? How can I do this some, what can I do today? That will be different from the ways that I've done it until now? How can I do something that I think would actually improve our relationship? Me, right? Not something that I want or that you want, but that I think would be actually good for us, that third entity, the us.

• 18:28Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 18:29Esther Perel?

  Right? And you check every time, you know? How often do you just go on the tried and trodden? As in, you know, it works. Sex that just works for most people is really not interesting enough.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 18:43Esther Perel?

  So, because what does it mean it works generally?

• 18:46Speaker 02

  Right. What, what about the people listening who are saying, man, that sounds like a lot of work? That every day you have to change, do something different and unique and be...

• 18:53Esther Perel?

  Not every day, not every day, not every day. But what you can do every day is just a quick check with yourself. You know, is there something that I should notice? Is there something that I can be thankful for? Is there a little note that I could write? Is there, you know, just a way that I can show up? A ti, it's small, it's really small. Um, here's the thing. There is work and then there is the creative work.

• 19:22Esther Perel?

  You know, I'm talking about a level that is creative and that elevates you and that actually gives you, you feel taller, you just feel like you're engaged, you feel awake, rather than this, this is the other seated position, it's comfortable, it's great, but nothing happens here.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 19:41Esther Perel?

  This, this is alert. Here's the essential word is curiosity. When you're curious, you lean forward and you watch, you're open to the mysteries of life. This is, please don't bother me with anything, because I don't want any stimulation, I've had my share, you know, and this is the position that most people have at home. So, when people say it's too much work, um, I basically say, look, you, if I was to say this in your business, would you say this is too much work? Or you would say, that's very good advice, this is high rate consulting fees, you know?

• 20:23Esther Perel?

  It's like, excuse me, but you don't think for a minute that your business would thrive if you let it languish like that. Never. You have a reward system, you have incentives.

• 20:36Speaker 02

  Bonuses.

• 20:36Esther Perel?

  You have bonuses, but there is no incentivized system in the, in the private domain. So people just think, why bother?

• 20:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 20:44Esther Perel?

  And that's the difference, is that the ones who have good relationships are the ones who created their own internal incentivized, incentivized system.

• 20:52Speaker 02

  What are some of those incentive systems that you've seen over time that really work or are effective for long-term relationships?

• 20:59Esther Perel?

  I would say the first thing is almost one of the first things that our parents teach you, please and thank you. Do you know how many people stop thanking their partners? Thank you, thank you for doing this for me, thank you for picking up the shirts, thank you for, you know.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Then you feel appreciated.

• 21:15Esther Perel?

  Yes, appreciation, appreciation is huge. Uh, gratitude, acknowledgement of the presence of the other in your life. Not, did you do this? Did you call? Did you pick up? Do this, you know, half the time.

• 21:31Speaker 02

  Expectation.

• 21:32Esther Perel?

  Expectations. Of course, you know, expectations is often a resentment in the make.

• 21:38Esther Perel?

  But the expectation comes the fear of it's not gonna. Tank person, first of all. And because it also makes it feel like this is not a given. Nobody owes you squat. You're not owed anything. You're not that important. You're actually quite replaceable.

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Right.

• 21:55Esther Perel?

  And with the divorce rate that we have.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  What's the rate at right now?

• 21:59Esther Perel?

  About fifty on first and sixty-five on second.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  Sixty-five on second, wow.

• 22:04Esther Perel?

  It's not good.

• 22:05Speaker 02

  Right.

• 22:05Esther Perel?

  It's really, you know, it costs a lot of money. It's not good for the health. I mean, it's just like, you know, it's not good for the jobs. It's, it's just, it's like, okay, now you could say maybe people should marry, but it doesn't matter if it's marriage legally or. The idea is that. Then we can do better. We can do better in general. I really think that the quality of our lives depends on the quality of our relationships. I mean, nobody's gonna write, you know. You worked sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety hours a week and, you know, no, they're gonna say he was there for people when they needed to. He was there at every game. He was there at a party. He's the guy who, when you were in his presence, he had charisma.

• 22:49Esther Perel?

  Not because he could stand in front of a huge crowd, but he had charisma because when I was in his presence, he made me feel special.

• 22:55Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 22:56Esther Perel?

  It's a different charisma. So appreciation. Gratitude, thank you. Um, little things to go out of your way, rather than just to do the minimum. A lot of people start to do the bare minimum, just so that they can't be scolded.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:11Esther Perel?

  Go an extra thing. Um, on occasion, just do something for the other person, just because it matters to them, even if you couldn't care less.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:19Esther Perel?

  Rather than, I don't, it's not important to me. I don't, I don't need this or I don't care about this. Uh, give each other a lot of individual space. Not everything needs to be shared. People have different passions, different interests, different friends, and they need those separate spaces to exist. Um, admiration, I think is huge. Um, because admiration is also that you can really see the otherness of the other person. Don't try to make your partner into one person for everything. There is no such a person. Find multiple sources of connection, of intimacy, of friendship, so that you can have a group of people support you.

• 24:02Esther Perel?

  And don't have one person who has to be there for you for everything, especially when you're in the dumpster.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  We used to have a village of people to do that. Now we just expect one person to be the village, right?

• 24:12Esther Perel?

  Yes, yes, yes. One person for the whole village. That is a unique... And then we're upset when they don't fulfill the mandate.

• 24:23Faith Jenkins?

  When you have been through, as you date and you go through relationships, and you've been through betrayal, and heartbreak, and hurt and pain, you can become pretty cynical

• 24:38Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 24:39Faith Jenkins?

  about love. And if you're not careful, that cynicism can really be a hindrance for you. Because you cannot be a cynic about love and expect to attract it at the same time.

• 24:52Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, snap. That's true. So how did you keep your heart open after going through breakups? And maybe after, you know, challenging things happening in relationships where that hurt you? How did you stay open to love?

• 25:07Faith Jenkins?

  I had to reframe my thoughts and ideas and my perspective about the past.

• 25:16Lewis Howes?

  What did you think about them then?

• 25:17Faith Jenkins?

  I had to learn to allow the past to stay in the past. I didn't want someone to come into my life and I make them pay for something they had nothing to do with.

• 25:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's tough.

• 25:29Faith Jenkins?

  In my past.

• 25:30Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's tough.

• 25:31Faith Jenkins?

  And when I got married, who did I want my husband to meet? This bitter, broken-down woman who had been through the wringer in all these years and all these relationships? Or did I want him to meet someone who... Because we're always in the process of healing. We're always in the process of growth and our emotional health... But did I want him to meet someone who was committed to that growth?

• 25:57Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 25:57Faith Jenkins?

  And that process. And going forward, being committed to the same commitment, which is, which is what really success in marriage falls down to. Being committed to the same commitment. Because, you know, when I was younger, I thought it was about this involuntary feeling of love. And then as I got older, I realized it was a conscious decision to love.

• 26:21Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. It's not just, oh, I have this attraction to this person, I feel love towards them. It's a conscious decision.

• 26:27Faith Jenkins?

  Cause you're not always gonna feel love. You're gonna go through ups and downs and peaks and valleys. And if it were about a feeling, you'd be all over the place emotionally.

• 26:37Lewis Howes?

  Up and down, yeah.

• 26:38Faith Jenkins?

  It's about a decision.

• 26:39Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 26:40Faith Jenkins?

  And so when I talk about earlier, when I talked about separating your feelings from the facts,

• 26:46Faith Jenkins?

  that's what I mean. Like, you're, you're gonna have a range of emotions, but the fact is, this is a person that I've committed my life to.

• 26:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:54Faith Jenkins?

  This is a person that I've committed to grow with. This is, so I made all of these commitments to this person. And then you go forward with that in mind.

• 27:02Lewis Howes?

  Did you have fears around getting married?

• 27:06Faith Jenkins?

  I had a fear of the unknown.

• 27:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 27:07Faith Jenkins?

  What is marriage really like? You know, I see other people who are married, some of them happy, some of them not. Obviously, I see a lot of people getting divorced. So what is it about marriage? What makes it work? Do I know what makes it work? Do I have what it takes to make it work? So it was, it was the fear of the unknown because I hadn't done it before. Marriage by nature changes you. It's the closest relationship you'll ever have. It's very different from the parent-child relationship, every other relationship.

• 27:40Lewis Howes?

  Friends, everything, yeah.

• 27:42Faith Jenkins?

  I wondered how it would change me.

• 27:44Lewis Howes?

  From being in a relationship and dating to then being married, what have been the biggest differences and changes?

• 27:51Faith Jenkins?

  Allowing someone to see me at my most vulnerable state.

• 27:54Lewis Howes?

  Ooh. Did you allow that during the dating process?

• 27:57Faith Jenkins?

  I allowed it to a certain extent, but I didn't, I didn't live with my husband before we got married. That was a choice that we made.

• 28:04Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 28:05Faith Jenkins?

  We did not wanna live together. And so when we got married and we moved in together, I had not lived with anyone since I was in college for twenty years.

• 28:14Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 28:15Faith Jenkins?

  So. Again, it's that adjustment in life, just sharing my space with another human being every day.

• 28:23Lewis Howes?

  You got married. Yeah, and you got married a week before the pandemic in 2020.

• 28:28Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 28:28Lewis Howes?

  March 8th, 2020. You said, so what was that, I mean, that takes a lot of guts to not live with someone beforehand in the modern world to not fully see the person who they are. So I commend you on that. So did you, what did you learn going through a pandemic for the last two years? Getting married a week before and then moving in together and sharing a life during, you know, arguably one of the scariest uncertain times in the last 20, 30 years.

• 28:57Faith Jenkins?

  Everything changed in the blink of an eye. We got married on March 8th in Los Angeles. Big wedding, all of our family, all of our friends, hugging, high fiving, kissing, had no idea what was about to happen a week later. And I do look back on that day because I thought, you know, when we were talking about our wedding, do we want to do something small? Do we want to, and you know, we ended up just inviting our people and everyone came out. And now I look back on that day and I cherish it so much.

• 29:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, because people have now do that for a couple of years.

• 29:30Faith Jenkins?

  Right. And I haven't seen a lot of those people since. So it just made those memories even more special to us. But also, yes, a week later, the world shut down. So we decided to take a mini moon. We weren't, we were going to do a big honeymoon over the summer. So we just went to Newport Beach and we were there for a few days and we were in a bubble. We didn't know a lot about everything that was happening in the world until we, we came out of this bubble. So we came back to LA. And I mean, there was no toilet tissue on the shelves, the grocery store. I mean, it was just empty. Everything was empty. I'd never seen anything like it before. And I was like, so you mean to tell me I waited all this time to get married?

• 30:14Faith Jenkins?

  And the world is about to end.

• 30:16Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 30:17Faith Jenkins?

  It was, it was crazy.

• 30:19Lewis Howes?

  So what, what did you guys create? Did you guys come together and say, let's build a strong foundation during this time?

• 30:26Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 30:26Lewis Howes?

  Did you, do you feel like it's made the relationship stronger?

• 30:30Faith Jenkins?

  Absolutely.

• 30:30Lewis Howes?

  Has it been stressful moving, living with someone for the first time in 20 years? How have you navigated it all?

• 30:36Faith Jenkins?

  Uh, we adapted really well and during that time, we had every day and all that time to spend time together.

• 30:44Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 30:44Faith Jenkins?

  And the, the pandemic, you know, it challenged all of us in different ways, but it also presented us with an opportunity. And for us, it was noise cancellation headphones through the first few months of our marriage. Because we got to really sit and be together and be still and be quiet. You know, my husband is an R and B singer. He travels all over the world and he had, he was leaving a week after we got married to start traveling again.

• 31:11Lewis Howes?

  Not anymore.

• 31:12Faith Jenkins?

  That, that didn't happen. And so we got to spend a lot of quality time together and I will tell you what I learned about him.

• 31:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 31:18Faith Jenkins?

  What I talked about earlier, about when you see, uh, the, the true measure of a person and how they handle adversity and how they handle difficult circumstances. And, uh, cause all of his, you know, live music was impacted greatly.

• 31:33Lewis Howes?

  That's how you make most of your money, yeah.

• 31:35Faith Jenkins?

  And I never heard him complain, not even once.

• 31:38Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 31:39Faith Jenkins?

  And I saw him be a source of encouragement.

• 31:41Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 31:42Faith Jenkins?

  To a lot of other of his artists and musician friends. And I mean, I was even shocked. I was like, okay, we're, we're, we're all about positivity and, and you know, wake up happy every day, but really? You really wake up as happy every day?

• 31:56Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 31:57Faith Jenkins?

  And, uh, it was inspiring to see. And I knew in those first few months that, because you always, you know, you, every, love is about taking a risk.

• 32:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 32:09Faith Jenkins?

  You know, we talk about that fear because we're, it's a risk. There's a fear of being hurt again. There's a fear of those triggers being exposed again. And in that moment, I, I knew and I believed that I had made a right decision. But in those months after the, the pandemic, I saw it for myself very early on in my marriage, who my husband was in, uh, in. Stressful times and difficult circumstances. And how he was a source of inspiration and strength for a lot of people, including me.

• 32:40Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, so were you, was each day kind of a confirmation that this was a great decision?

• 32:45Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 32:46Lewis Howes?

  I leaned into this and.

• 32:48Faith Jenkins?

  Yes.

• 32:48Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 32:48Faith Jenkins?

  Yes, it's been, it's been two years of just this amazing time in my life. Because I used to get asked a lot why I was still single for so long. And I started to feel pressure from people. I never put the pressure on myself and I know a lot of people perhaps do. But if you're not careful when you're single and people are asking you, well, I don't understand. Why aren't you married or what's going on? You can start to internalize it and feel that there's something wrong with you. Or that there's something off within you. And it can almost be something that you become embarrassed by. Because people are asking you as if you've missed some mark in your life.

• 33:31Faith Jenkins?

  Some milestone that you um should have achieved by now. Not asking me if it was a desire of mine, by the way, if I wanted to. But just asking me, why wasn't I? And um.

• 33:43Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think people care so much about other people being in a relationship or being single?

• 33:48Faith Jenkins?

  Well, the question I think speaks more to the, who they are than it ever did to who I was. Because I was okay. You know, I, there were lessons that I had to learn to get to the place where I could go into a successful marriage. I needed to learn those lessons. There are almost eight billion people on this planet. We can't all be doing the same things at the same time and we're not supposed to be. We're all supposed to be living our individual life paths and our individual life journeys. There are some people who don't think that. They think you need to be married by a certain age. You need to have children by a certain age or you're not living your, the, the right path. It's just not true.

• 34:28Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:28Faith Jenkins?

  This is not a race. Why is it not a race? Because we're not all running in the same direction. So I learned very early on, and I think living in New York actually helped with that because I was around so many other young professionals who were, you know, at the top of their games and their careers and we were, you know, Saturday night, we're here, Wednesday night, we're at a show and the live music and everything and just embracing our, our full lives and accepting that being single was not a rest stop for me until I met my husband and really got to live. Well, if I had done that, I wouldn't have lived until I was forty-two years old. So what would I have done with all those years in my twenties and thirties? So it wasn't a rest stop and I embraced that, that time of, and just did

• 35:13Faith Jenkins?

  so many, I traveled across, all around the world by myself, solo, went to all the restaurants that I wanted to go to, Washington Sex and the City, sometimes I would go by myself. You know, I had this vibrant group of friends. I was not waiting to live my life and I, I think that people, they project their own view of what they think life should be onto you. And so it's, it's our job as individuals to again, reframe our perspective and mindset and make a decision for ourselves that we're going to live our own life path.

• 35:48Lewis Howes?

  The women who are watching or listening at home that just want to find their match, their partner, what's the first step they can take to start getting out of the weeds of like failure after failure and start seeing some progress to greater potential matches?

• 36:04Matthew Hussey?

  A couple of things. I mean firstly, there's a guy called John Kay who wrote a book called Obligity. And the whole idea of the book was, obligity is when you reach goals through indirect means. So if you take building a business, you're far more like, if, if your, if your goal is to make money, instead of focusing on making money, focus on all the things that provide value to people.

• 36:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 36:32Matthew Hussey?

  Because the making money part will be the byproduct.

• 36:34Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 36:34Matthew Hussey?

  If you focus on, I need to get rich, I need to get rich, I need to get rich, you're probably not going to do the things that are going to get you rich.

• 36:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 36:42Matthew Hussey?

  Because what makes you financially wealthy? The relationships you take time to build, that often for a long time. You don't ask for anything, you don't even care to, you're just building, you, you know, the products that you create for no reason, then you just think that they're great, or that you think they have value, or whatever, the service that you provide people, it's just, it's not. What's the quickest way for me to make money? Most people like that don't get rich. Right.

• 37:10Matthew Hussey?

  In a relationship, there's all these things that build a relationship. That really have nothing to, that don't feel like they have anything to do with a relationship. Like, who would say, knowing what you would do with the next ten hours of your life, if it was free, is actually going to be a huge determinant of the health of your relationship? It's like one's over here and one's over here. Right. Shouldn't we be talking about how to have better sex? Yeah. Shouldn't we be talking about how to communicate well with my partner? No, we're talking about you being an independently attractive, purpose-driven, indepe- independent person who is attractive just to watch from afar because of the life you lead. That's going to lead to a much better relationship. By the way, even that will lead to better sex. Yeah.

• 37:55Matthew Hussey?

  Because your partner looks at you and is like, this person's More attractive. This is a person.

• 38:00Matthew Hussey?

  This isn't just an extension of me. Yeah. This is a person. So it's the indirect things that, that contribute. And so let's now take that to the single place. I'm, I'm single. What's, what do I do next?

• 38:16Matthew Hussey?

  Understand and study, and this is a big part of what I do in my work. So I'd encourage people to come check that out. Study the things that contribute to getting you a relationship. That often have nothing to do with getting a relationship. The things you do with your spare time. Do I, you know, do I do? If I wanna learn yoga, do I do it on my own at home with a YouTube video? Learning yoga, by the way, on its own could be a good thing. Just cuz it makes you more interesting, you have more to talk about, you feel confident in yourself, all of that, but. Okay, now let me do a more sociable version of that. Let me go and do a class where I might actually have the chance of meeting other people. Maybe they're not men, maybe they're other single women, but other single women are useful too.

• 38:58Matthew Hussey?

  Another indirect variable cuz you have more single friends or more fun friends, more charismatic friends. Friends who come knocking at your door going, hey, we're going out. Get out of your goddamn pajamas, we're going out, right? That person is gonna be great for your love life. Makes you more desirable, have more value. And makes you leave the house. Yeah. Instead of staying in every weekend, makes you leave and go to places where people are. You know, the books you read, who would say the books you read have anything to do with your relationship? But they do on a date when you have shit to talk about. Absolutely. Right, so there's all these factors. Now, the reason I'm saying that, because of course there are direct factors, but my programs in my.

• 39:38Matthew Hussey?

  My company, which by the way, people could go to howtogettheguide.com to go and find all of these. But the programs I have there are about very direct things like how to flirt. Strategies. How to meet someone, how to do this, how to do that, but that's one piece of it, right? It's, I encourage people to do all those indirect things and then someone can't say. I'm just sick of going out, I'm, I'm, I'm give, I give up. On what?

• 40:07Matthew Hussey?

  On what? Yeah. Like someone said that to me in a seminar, I'd say, I just feel like giving up. Tell me what. On yourself, on life? What are you giving up on? I wanna hear this. Tell me, what are you giving up on? Well, I, uh.

• 40:22Matthew Hussey?

  Meeting people, meeting people, would you not meet people? If you, if someone said you can never find the love of your life, that's off the table. Would you really stop meeting people? Your need for a human interaction would disappear? I don't think so. You'd stop flirting with people? That's part of your character. Flirt, being flirtatious is a part of who we are at times. Yeah. So why would we lose that, being sexual? Would you really lose that? You're gonna stop being sexual just cuz the end result isn't coming? I, I don't buy it. You'd stop doing hobbies, you'd stop getting out there. All the things that you have to get rid of to say, I'm done with relationships. Are things that would absolutely erode your life,

• 41:06Matthew Hussey?

  even if you take the relationship out of the equation.

• 41:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:09Matthew Hussey?

  So I think people have to, I understand, I know there is a terrific level of like dating burnout right now. And if you're out there feeling that right now, I, I urge you to think about this differently. And to say, I don't have to constantly have it in my mind. I'm trying to meet someone, I'm trying to meet someone, I'm trying to meet someone. That game gets boring. And now when you go on a date and it doesn't go anywhere, you're a failure.

• 41:33Lewis Howes?

  You're exhausted, yeah.

• 41:34Matthew Hussey?

  I'm done.

• 41:36Matthew Hussey?

  See it as life. This isn't dating, it's life.

• 41:42Matthew Hussey?

  It's meeting people, it's experiencing a great conversation, having a fun moment of interaction or flirtation. Doing things you wanna do anyway, doing hobbies you wanna do anyway. Cause they'll, they'll enrich your experience of life. All of those things are really important. You don't have to call it dating. Just go live.

• 42:03Lewis Howes?

  It's kinda like the analogy you said about running a business. If you're focused on, I need the relationship. Whereas like, I need to make a certain amount of money.

• 42:09Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 42:10Lewis Howes?

  Is the, is getting the relationship as opposed to, why don't I add value to the world and I'll attract the customers that will pay me and I'll make some money?

• 42:18Matthew Hussey?

  Because I need to make money focuses on things that make the short term economics work.

• 42:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 42:24Matthew Hussey?

  And those things are generally not good for a business.

• 42:28Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 42:28Matthew Hussey?

  Right? Eh, same in, same in love.

• 42:31Lewis Howes?

  I wanna, I wanna ask you a couple of final questions. This just came to me. I don't think I've ever asked anyone this, but since you're the love guy, I'm gonna go there.

• 42:42Lewis Howes?

  Typically, I would ask the three truths question, which is what are your three truths if it was the last day of your life? But I'm gonna ask you a different spin on this. Imagine it's the last day of your life and you've been in a, committed, compatible, loving relationship with the woman of your dreams for the last thirty, forty, fifty, whatever years. And you've been a part of this journey and experience where you've built this incredible castle. With all of its dents and wears and tears and love and magic and unicorns and everything. And it's your last day. And you've got a, lights are gonna go off and you're not gonna be on this world anymore.

• 43:26Lewis Howes?

  And your partner has one more day to live. Hypothetical. You're 150 years old.

• 43:34Matthew Hussey?

  Your partner has one more day to live.

• 43:36Lewis Howes?

  Your partner has one more day to live. Let's screw that. Your partner has a few more years to live. She's gonna live a little longer than you. And you get to write three things, a love letter to your partner.

• 43:52Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 43:52Lewis Howes?

  About the three things you loved about her the most. That brought you the most joy, the most incredible life from this relationship that you built together.

• 44:06Lewis Howes?

  What would you say or write to her are the three things you love the most about this woman?

• 44:13Lewis Howes?

  That she would remember and go on for a few more years afterwards.

• 44:16Matthew Hussey?

  But that would be specific to a relationship, right? To a specific person?

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  To that relationship, yeah. To that person and the relationship. Imagine the relationship is everything you could ever dream of.

• 44:27Matthew Hussey?

  Got it.

• 44:27Lewis Howes?

  You created the relationship of your dreams. It's the golden standard for the world. To look at a relationship and say, wow, they lived it. They did it, they loved, they went through it, they were vulnerable, it wasn't perfect, but man, this couple is the golden standard.

• 44:48Matthew Hussey?

  Man, okay.

• 44:49Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the three things? So I want you to go there because I believe you're gonna create that. And the relationship that you want to create.

• 44:57Lewis Howes?

  What were the three things you would write a love letter to your, your wife on your last day? About the three things you appreciated the most about the love you created together?

• 45:11Matthew Hussey?

  That.

• 45:17Matthew Hussey?

  Maybe one would be.

• 45:21Matthew Hussey?

  Your.

• 45:24Matthew Hussey?

  You made me feel safe enough to be the best I could possibly be. You know, you, your love made me feel so secure. Gave me such a platform to go and make an impact in the world on. That that, you know, and I don't get me wrong, I think we should have our internal security, but I felt so secure in the relationship. That this gave me, this relationship gave me the energy. To go out there and do amazing things with that energy. So I made a bigger impact in the world because of the energy that your love gave me.

• 46:09Lewis Howes?

  I'm getting chills already. This makes me emotional just thinking about it.

• 46:12Matthew Hussey?

  See if I have anywhere to go from there.

• 46:16Lewis Howes?

  So, safety, security.

• 46:20Matthew Hussey?

  That you.

• 46:24Matthew Hussey?

  You made me feel.

• 46:28Matthew Hussey?

  Like I wasn't alone in the world. And I don't just mean because we had each other. You can feel very lonely in a relationship. Especially if you don't feel seen.

• 46:41Matthew Hussey?

  But you find someone who sees you. You know, who, who really. Gets you.

• 46:50Matthew Hussey?

  And all of a sudden, you don't feel so alone in the world because life is lonely. You can have tons of people around you, but there are certain, there's a certain existential loneliness that many people feel in life. That.

• 47:07Matthew Hussey?

  For moments or times evaporates when you feel a true. Connection with someone and you see each other.

• 47:18Matthew Hussey?

  You go, wow, this is, that's, that to me is transcendent. So you, your ability to see me. Made me feel less alone in the world.

• 47:31Matthew Hussey?

  Um.

• 47:43Matthew Hussey?

  And I guess

• 47:45Matthew Hussey?

  you you were a role model for me.

• 47:50Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 47:52Matthew Hussey?

  That

• 47:54Matthew Hussey?

  through observing you and seeing the way you live and seeing the way you approach things that there were so many times where I noticed you were better than me. And that taught me how to be better. It taught me how to you, I grew because I saw the way you were.

• 48:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 48:19Matthew Hussey?

  And that showed me no matter where I thought I was, being around you showed me uh how wonderful people can be and that made me want to be more wonderful.

• 48:31Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 48:33Matthew Hussey?

  I guess those would be three.

• 48:34Lewis Howes?

  That's a beautiful love letter. What's the letter you would write to yourself?

• 48:40Lewis Howes?

  You're two hundred years old. It's the last day still. And you write a letter to your thirty-two-year-old self. Thirty-two now?

• 48:49Matthew Hussey?

  Thirty-one, thirty-two in a couple of weeks.

• 48:52Lewis Howes?

  You write a letter to your thirty-two-year-old self and say

• 48:56Lewis Howes?

  one piece of advice looking back at what you'd say to yourself on how to become the best partner to create that magical relationship.

• 49:07Matthew Hussey?

  One thing I would say, looking back, looking at myself saying, here's a, here's a guide to being a

• 49:14Lewis Howes?

  Here's what you need to do to become that partner with that, with that other person. Here's what you need to let go of. Here's what you need to step into. Here's where your ego needs to take a check.

• 49:28Matthew Hussey?

  I think, how many things do I get?

• 49:30Lewis Howes?

  Give yourself a few.

• 49:30Matthew Hussey?

  Let's do, let's do a couple. I, I think um I always loved just the, the idea of, you know, question everything. You know, don't

• 49:40Matthew Hussey?

  That thing that you take for granted that you're right about, you know, question everything. Cause it's, I mean, it's just amazing to me, the things I, I look back on now and I no longer disagree. I no longer agree with what the twenty-three-year-old version of me thought, the twenty-five-year-old version of me thought. And I think, understanding that, at least, we're, we're not very good at thinking about all the ways we might be wrong today. But we're really good at knowing the ways we were wrong before, right? And it's more, that's, you know, if you think of a lot, a lot of self-improvement, people, right? Gurus, leaders, whatever, you know, people wanna call themselves.

• 50:22Matthew Hussey?

  They struggle, they're very good at telling stories of how they fucked up. Ah, five years ago or ten years ago. But now you're still. You should have seen me then. But not many people are good at talking about today. Yeah. And I think that that's a kind of blind spot we, we, most of us have in life, people in general. And I think if we can apply that thing of, oh yeah, God, I was so wrong about that five years ago. I was so, I couldn't be more wrong about that, and I know that now. We should apply that to the next five years too. Yeah. You know, in the next ten years and say, there's a lot of shit I'm gonna look back on five years from now. And say, God, I did not know what I was talking about. That doesn't mean we should not trust ourselves on anything.

• 51:05Matthew Hussey?

  You know, there's, I've heard it said, you know, strong opinions loosely held. You know, that doesn't mean we shouldn't be passionate about what we think now, but it does mean we should leave room for questioning. Um, and to that end,

• 51:20Matthew Hussey?

  I think I would tell myself to, to be kinder to myself over the course of my life for things that I'd, mistakes I'd made within relationships. I have definitely, I have definitely been the person and even today have to wrestle with.

• 51:39Matthew Hussey?

  Making, doing something that I know, God, that wasn't the best reaction to that. Mm hmm. I wish I'd handled that differently. I wish I'd have said a different thing. I wish I'd have phrased that differently. I wish I didn't say that.

• 51:54Matthew Hussey?

  And then really, really beating myself up for it. Yeah. You know, not letting it go. Even after you've finished the argument, even after you get to the other side of it. Continuing to to berate yourself for it. And and the shame about that is that it lacks humanity. It it makes us forget that we're human and that we don't get everything right. And the only way we're gonna get more right is by making certain mistakes and learning from them. It's true. And it also stops us from being effective. Because that energy that we're putting into to berating ourselves is actually stopping us from doing the very things that would move everything forward from that mistake.

• 52:39Matthew Hussey?

  It it's not, it doesn't make relationships better. Mistakes actually make relationships better very often. Because you learn, or you hopefully you'll learn. You learn. Those things, they they really can transform, mistakes can transform relationships. But not if you sit there consistently dwelling on them.

• 53:00Matthew Hussey?

  They make relationships better if you can improve from them and move on and be the thing you wanna be now. So I think I would tell myself to be be kinder to myself for for mistakes. Yeah. To not obsess over things I should have said or done differently. Um.

• 53:23Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah. You know what? To that end, we we should, halfway through this interview, I was, kept losing my train of thought.

• 53:32Matthew Hussey?

  And probably you were gonna edit that out to be kind to me. I'm gonna keep it in. Let's keep it in. Alright. Because. Don't beat yourself up over it. Give people the real shit. Yeah. Matthew Hussey's really eloquent. Oh, look at the way he can string a thought together. Well, I lost, I, I lost my train of thought three or four times. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. I, I couldn't think of the thing I was gonna say next. I kept, kept blanking.

• 54:00Matthew Hussey?

  Okay, should I be with that? That's, that's inspiring. Oh, Matthew Hussey can be in the middle of an interview and just go completely blank and not know what the hell he was saying. Yeah. Then what am I worried about? Yeah. That's more interesting. And that's, you know, that's a real relationship. Yeah. A real relationship. That's, that's the real stuff. That's the stuff we're not seeing when we see other people's relationships and everything. The highlight reels. Great and everything. No, let's just like, if we wanna, if we wanna change our world, forget the world for a moment. Cause it's always seems a bit grandiose when we talk about changing the world, but changing our world.

• 54:38Matthew Hussey?

  Let's bring in the real. Because that, that genuinely changes things. You know what makes relationships better? True realness, vulnerability. People living their truth, people being more real, being more upfront, more direct. You know what makes you more attractive on a date? Being more real. Not going there. You people worry about their hair and is this all right? Be, tell a real story on the date. Yeah. That's what's gonna, you wanna talk about deep attraction, not surface level bullshit? Deep, surface level bullshit is in 2D on Instagram. Deep attraction, the kind of attraction that gets relationships comes from real stories. Yeah. Real shared experiences.

• 55:22Matthew Hussey?

  And if you want, and if you do want to change other people's worlds, as you know, because you're so good at it, it's bring people the real.

• 55:28Lewis Howes?

  I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple Podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about this episode in that review. I really love hearing feedback from you and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you if no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And

• 56:12Lewis Howes?

  now it's time to go out there and do something great.