924 Let Go of Toxic Relationships

“You know energetically if someone is adding to or subtracting from you.”If you’ve never experienced or been a part of a toxic relationship, congratulations! You will still benefit from listening to this episode on The School of Greatness, however. For the rest of us, this conversation with Transformation Coach Chris Lee (back for the 5th time by popular demand!) is powerful. Take it from me: toxic relationships are not worth it, whether they are romantic, professional, family, friends, whatever. But it can be really really hard to end them if you don’t know how. That’s why Chris and I wanted to discuss this process on the podcast. In this 5 Minute Friday, he breaks down the first two steps, walks you through the how and why, and drops a lot of wisdom along the way. This process is powerful and can free you from relationships in your life that need to shift or go away. If you enjoyed this episode, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/924 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is Five Minute Friday.

• 0:11Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to today's episode with the one, the only Mr. Chris Lee, who's back again to talk about how to let go and end toxic relationships.

• 0:24Chris Lee?

  So the first step is to identify if you're in a toxic relationship. You need to be able to identify it.

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  How do you identify that if it's not 100% clear? If you're not like feeling sick every time you talk to this person?

• 0:37Chris Lee?

  Well, here are some of the factors or symptoms. Number one is you're feeling less than yourself with them.

• 0:43Lewis Howes?

  You're feeling less than yourself?

• 0:45Chris Lee?

  Yeah, so you feel like you gotta be someone you're not. So you feel like you're being the inauthentic you. And you're agreeing with things that you don't agree with. You're going along with things that you don't want to go along with. You're letting yourself be controlled by the other person. Another factor that will have you identify and you'll be able to measure to see if you're in a toxic relationship is that you find yourself draining your life's energy when you're around them. You feel drained, you feel exhausted. And we talked about that earlier, but it's important that we highlight that. You know energetically if someone is adding or subtracting from you. So this person is draining you and you feel less.

• 1:28Lewis Howes?

  Right, okay, so that's, is that all in identifying it or the other way?

• 1:32Chris Lee?

  This is all identifying it.

• 1:33Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:34Chris Lee?

  Another way of identifying it is that you find yourself giving your power over to them. You feel weak around them. Okay, another thing that...

• 1:42Lewis Howes?

  You don't feel worthy?

• 1:42Chris Lee?

  You don't feel worthy. Another factor is that you ignore your intuition when you're with them. In other words, you don't trust yourself. Also, these people make you feel like you can't do anything right. Everything's about them.

• 1:58Chris Lee?

  It's all me and I. So every conversation ends up in me and I.

• 2:02Lewis Howes?

  Sure. As opposed to we and creating a win-win.

• 2:06Chris Lee?

  Exactly. And another thing, or the final thing I would say is not, you don't feel like you're allowed to grow around them. Like when you're growing and you're accomplishing things, they start attacking you and judging you.

• 2:20Lewis Howes?

  Man, I felt that. I've felt that before in a relationship where every time I achieved something that like a success or an achievement or got to another level in my business or had something to share, a former relationship of mine, she would get mad at me and frustrated and kind of like get sad or, and she would bring it back to what she's not doing.

• 2:40Chris Lee?

  Right.

• 2:40Lewis Howes?

  And she would like get mad at me for something to try to bring me down to feeling like a third level or something.

• 2:45Chris Lee?

  Right.

• 2:45Lewis Howes?

  And it was the worst feeling ever. It was just like, can't you be happy for me for once?

• 2:50Chris Lee?

  Well, what happens is that these people are so empty and they're so insecure that when they see other people accomplishing things and other people growing and other people actually joyful, it upsets them.

• 3:03Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:04Chris Lee?

  It's like those people that can't stand to see people happy. And so this person who's in your life is toxic because instead of celebrating your success, they're actually complaining about it.

• 3:17Lewis Howes?

  So that's stage one is identifying.

• 3:20Chris Lee?

  That's the first step in terms of ending or transform and transforming a toxic relationship is to identify it.

• 3:26Lewis Howes?

  Identify it. Okay. And what if there's a lot of gray area? What if it's like, well, sometimes I feel like they bring me down like once every couple of months. I feel like they'll attack me, but then they apologize and then they're always supportive the rest of the time. You know, what if there's like this gray area or?

• 3:44Chris Lee?

  What a great question because that leads to the second step.

• 3:47Lewis Howes?

  Awesome. What is that?

• 3:49Chris Lee?

  Keep a record.

• 3:50Lewis Howes?

  Oh, wow. Like a mental record or like write it down?

• 3:53Chris Lee?

  Take notes.

• 3:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 3:54Chris Lee?

  Take notes. You're in the relationship and take notes.

• 3:57Lewis Howes?

  Really interesting because I almost started doing this in my last relationship because I wanted to like, remind her of like, you know, four times last week, you attacked me for these reasons.

• 4:07Chris Lee?

  Yeah. Keep a record. It's important that you keep a record of all the times that you have felt less than joyful around this person.

• 4:17Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 4:17Chris Lee?

  And if you start identifying and seeing that the pages are filling rapidly.

• 4:24Chris Lee?

  It lets you know, because sometimes we forget. And sometimes we're so involved in our lives that we don't realize, you know what? That's the fifth time this person has made me feel this way. That's the fifth time this person has broken their word to me. Or has accused me of something, or has attacked me. And so by keeping a journal and keeping a record of this, you have it right in front of you.

• 4:49Lewis Howes?

  Now, should you also keep a record of all the things they do well, of them like empowering you or acknowledging you? Or is it more?

• 4:56Chris Lee?

  Well, we're talking about toxic relationships.

• 4:59Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 4:59Chris Lee?

  We're talking about, you know, the people that are in your life that are draining you.

• 5:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 5:04Chris Lee?

  And that you suspect that they are.

• 5:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 5:06Chris Lee?

  So.

• 5:07Lewis Howes?

  They're nine times out of 10 when you accomplish something, or if they're attacking you nine times and then they're once saying, oh, nice job. Then you want to have that ratio flipped.

• 5:15Chris Lee?

  Right.

• 5:16Lewis Howes?

  You know?

• 5:16Chris Lee?

  Of course, of course. But yeah, that's a good idea too, in your relationships, you know? It's really not about keeping score, it's about being aware.

• 5:24Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha. Okay.

• 5:24Chris Lee?

  You know, so that's the whole point of keeping a record. And you would keep a record with people that you, you know what? I feel drained around so and so.

• 5:33Lewis Howes?

  So then you just keep a record then?

• 5:34Chris Lee?

  Yeah.

• 5:34Lewis Howes?

  You start tracking like.

• 5:36Chris Lee?

  I'm not talking about all your relationships, there you are monitoring their every move. I'm talking about people that in general have you feel that they are taking more than they're giving. They're taking more than they're giving.

• 5:49Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool.

• 5:50Chris Lee?

  So this is something that I recommend.

• 5:52Lewis Howes?

  Keep a record, I like that.

• 5:53Chris Lee?

  You like that?

• 5:54Lewis Howes?

  I like that a lot, because I thought about doing that before, but then I was like, is this lame? Or is this, would this be weird? But I actually think it's valuable for you personally to identify it, so you can look back at it and be like, here's all the things that happened over and over again in the last couple of weeks. This isn't serving me.

• 6:10Chris Lee?

  Not at all, and this is taking too much of my energy and my time away.

• 6:15Lewis Howes?

  Exactly.

• 6:15Chris Lee?

  There's no point of being in this relationship, there's no benefit.

• 6:19Lewis Howes?

  Exactly, yeah. And then from that point, I think you can have a conversation with them and say, listen, you know, I haven't been feeling comfortable, and maybe you could coach me on this, but maybe you say, I haven't been feeling comfortable over the last months or the last couple of weeks about the way you've been.

• 6:32Chris Lee?

  The way you talk to me.

• 6:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, the way.

• 6:34Chris Lee?

  The way.

• 6:35Lewis Howes?

  The way I feel around you.

• 6:36Chris Lee?

  The way I feel around you.

• 6:37Lewis Howes?

  And here are the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I want to create, you know, I want to bring this to the table, because I really want us to transform this.

• 6:46Chris Lee?

  Absolutely.

• 6:47Lewis Howes?

  And move this in a different place where we're supporting each other and loving each other, not judging each other. And then ask a request if they're committed to that, right?

• 6:54Chris Lee?

  Exactly. And, and that would be a way to transform the relationship. If you see that there's possibilities in the relationship.

• 7:01Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:02Chris Lee?

  And so, you know, communicating is very important.

• 7:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:06Chris Lee?

  And we'll get to that. But I think it's important for you, before you even get to that point of making a request, is for you to see, am I in a toxic relationship?

• 7:15Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:15Chris Lee?

  Because the first two steps really is about identifying.

• 7:19Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 7:19Chris Lee?

  And so you're identifying, what are the prices that I'm paying for being in this relationship?

• 7:32Lewis Howes?

  Hey guys, if you enjoyed this inspirational clip from a past episode of the show, then you'll love the free book I'm giving away right now. It's called The Millionaire Morning. It includes some of my best tips for starting off your day with a millionaire mindset. Get your free copy at themillionairemorning.com and just pay shipping. Again, check it out right now, themillionairemorning.com.