1070 Create Intimacy & Upgrade Your Sex Life w/Dr. Emily Morse

“When we heal ourselves sexually, we will heal so many other parts of our life.”Today's guest is Emily Morse, who is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, host of the longest running sexual wellness podcast, Sex with Emily, and author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. She is recognized as one of today’s most insightful sex educators challenging cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and shamelessly embrace pleasure. This conversation covers mature content with the intent to educate you all and start a conversation with yourself and others. For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1070Check out Emily’s website: www.sexwithemily.com The Power of Erotic Intelligence with Esther Perel: https://link.chtbl.com/732-podFind Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey: https://link.chtbl.com/811-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,070 with Emily Morris.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  Pleasure is your birthright and we all deserve to have pleasure and we prioritize so many other things, work, family, home, and usually we put ourselves last. I believe that when we heal ourselves sexually, we will heal so many other parts of our life.

• 0:20Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:43Lewis Howes?

  Journalist Franklin P. Jones said, "Love doesn't make the world go around. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." And therapist Esther Perel said, "Love is a verb, not a permanent statement of enthusiasm." My guest today is Emily Morris, who is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, host of the longest running sexual wellness podcast, Sex with Emily, and author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. She is recognized as one of today's most insightful sex educators, challenging cultural taboos, misinformation, and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and shamelessly embrace pleasure. And just a quick disclaimer, this conversation covers mature content

• 1:28Lewis Howes?

  with the intent to educate you all and start a conversation with yourself and others. And in this episode, we discuss the number one thing that keeps people from thriving in their sexual relationships, how to simplify our feelings about our desires, what men and women need to understand about each other in order to thrive in a sexual relationship, how to hack your sex life, what you should do if you and your partner are struggling with intimacy, who cheats in relationships more and why that happens, what conversations should we be having about sex with a new relationship, and so much more. Make sure to share this with someone you think would be inspired by it. Just send them to lewishowes.com/

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  One zero seven zero. We're copying paste the link wherever you're listening to this. And a quick reminder, if this is your first time here, welcome to the School of Greatness. Please click that subscribe button over on Apple Podcasts right now so you can be notified of all of the other great content we have here, as well as giving us a rating and review, letting us know what you enjoyed most about this episode. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Emily Morse.

• 2:38Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest today. Emily Morse is in the house.

• 2:43Speaker 01

  Hi Lewis. Good to see you too.

• 2:46Lewis Howes?

  We met 10 years ago.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 2:48Lewis Howes?

  At the Museum of Sex. I don't know if you remember, I remember exactly the, the, the place we met, when it was. I was living in New York City and I got wrangled in to do this Bravo reality show. About three women who were relationship experts, but were struggling to find love in their own life.

• 3:08Speaker 01

  Right.

• 3:08Lewis Howes?

  That was the concept.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Right. Do we practice what we preach?

• 3:12Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. And a friend of mine was like, oh, just come out tonight. We're gonna be like hanging out. They might be filming. But just come and hang out, is my friend. And right away, she's like, oh, you should meet this girl, Amy. And then she tried to like set me up right away. And I was like, what am I getting into? And then the producer was like, yeah, you're doing this. And then I was like, what? I thought I was just coming to hang.

• 3:30Speaker 01

  Right. And then.

• 3:31Lewis Howes?

  And then it became a thing and they're like, we want you on the show. And I was like, I don't want to be on this reality show, but.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  You became a whole subject line. And then I used to say, oh, I love Lewis, Lewis. You became a whole like thread in the reality show.

• 3:42Lewis Howes?

  It was not my intention. I don't know if I would do a reality show again, but it was worth the experience.

• 3:46Speaker 01

  It is. It's television. It's all, that was my book launch at the Museum of Sex.

• 3:50Lewis Howes?

  It was that night.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 3:52Lewis Howes?

  And so that's when I met you. You've had an incredible journey over the last decade of helping people understand sex. Sex with Emily is your whole thing.

• 4:02Speaker 01

  That's it, man. It's been 15 years since I started. This is my 15th anniversary of the podcast. I started in 2005.

• 4:07Lewis Howes?

  You were like, oh, OG.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  OG, OG. Definitely the first sex podcast. And I just, yeah, 15th, this is our 15th.

• 4:14Lewis Howes?

  With 15 years of experience in doing this, obviously more experience before that, but 15 years of being in this space. What's the, the number one thing that ruins relationships from keeping a thriving, desirable sex life? What would you say you hear all the time?

• 4:31Speaker 01

  The number one thing that keeps people from thriving in, with their sexual relationship is communication. I that is not to if if couples do not talk about sex and they don't prioritize their sex life and they just assume it's always going to be how it was during the honeymoon phase, which is not realistic, it's gonna fall apart.

• 4:50Lewis Howes?

  What if it's uncomfortable to talk about?

• 4:52Speaker 01

  Well, that's the point. It's always uncomfortable to talk. See, here's here's why I will always why I will always have a job. People are always gonna listen to the podcast and call in with questions is because it's not comfortable for anyone to talk about sex because we we don't have role models of people talking about sex. We had zero sex education. Most people I speak to after fifteen years had and if they did, it was inaccurate. And we feel we somehow there's all these there's all these things that we've learned about sex that are untrue untrue. And one of those is like, if you have to talk about sex, it means that there is a problem and that's when you should just call it quits because we get attached to those early phases of the relationship.

• 5:29Lewis Howes?

  Or it's just like this explosion and fire connection.

• 5:32Speaker 01

  It should always be fireworks. It's never always fireworks. That's so everything. And if we if we don't talk about and so, yes, it's always uncomfortable, but that's why I always talk about. I mean, a lot of what I do is teach communication around sex. I mean, yes, I could give you all the tips and all the positions and all the things. We could be here for sixteen hours. But at the end of the day, how do you even have that conversation that's terrifying and hard and uncomfortable and?

• 5:57Lewis Howes?

  How does a woman who's been married for five plus years to their husband have the conversation when the sex life is dying or about to be dead?

• 6:09Speaker 01

  So how does the woman approach it?

• 6:10Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Okay, so I'll tell you my three Ts. Timing, tone, and turf.

• 6:15Lewis Howes?

  Tone is everything.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  Tone is everything.

• 6:17Lewis Howes?

  For women also.

• 6:18Speaker 01

  For everyone. Because here's the thing. Let's start with tone. You never initiate sex. You never want to have sex with me. How come you don't, you know, go down on me? Why don't you do all the and so the second anyone does that, whether it's a business, it's a business in the boardroom or the bedroom. You're gonna get a defensive reaction. So your tone has to be curious and open and light and collaborative. Like, you know, so our tone is, hey, I realize we, you know, we haven't talked about our intimate life, our sex life lately, and I just, I realize we've never talked about it, babe. So let's just, you know, what are some things that have been working for you, whatnot? And so that's part of it. I can circle back to the, we can actually do a conversation. So that's the tone.

• 7:02Speaker 01

  The tone is never aggressive, hostile, blaming. Then you have the turf. Now, this might surprise you because most people think that you should talk about it when you're in the bedroom. They're like, well, I just had sex and we're already in the bedroom. But the bedroom, I believe, is sleeping and sex. Not to have deep conversations, but we usually think, well, if sex is in my mind right now, we should talk about it. Like, wait till it's removed, so then you can actually have a productive conversation. Because most people I talk to, I say, they call in my show and like, I've got this problem. Like, okay, have you talked about it? Yeah, I did. I let her know that I wa- where were you? It was after sex. And they don't remember.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Our minds are in an altered state now, like because of the hormones and the chemicals that happen with arousal and orgasm. So outside the bedroom, in a place, here's some tips for this. It's like you want to do it in a place where you are, um, maybe you're, you know, having dinner or you're having a glass of wine. You are, you are going, here's the other thing, since it's so awkward, do it when you're going for a walk. Because this way, this is a great cheat.

• 8:06Lewis Howes?

  You're not staring at each other, you're looking for.

• 8:07Speaker 01

  Your eyes, yeah, you're not looking at each other, or in the car, on a road trip. I won't even make you look in your partner's eyes at this moment. But then you can be like, so babe, I realize we haven't talked about our sex life, right? So that's timing, tone, turf. That's what I got, right? Did I hit them all?

• 8:21Lewis Howes?

  Timing is.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Oh, timing, no, I did, I missed timing.

• 8:23Lewis Howes?

  That was turf, yeah, yeah.

• 8:24Speaker 01

  I got excited. Timing is, here's an easy way to remember. Don't do it when you're halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

• 8:33Speaker 01

  You are chilling, you're hanging out, you're in a really good space. That's why being outside in nature, you're going on a road trip, you're in a good place. You're having dinner, you're having a meal, the kids are sleeping. And I also want to tell people, it is not a one-time conversation. You know, another one of the myths around sex is like, oh, I had the, I had the sex talk. Like it's a, no.

• 8:55Lewis Howes?

  And now we all of a sudden understand?

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Nothing, we know nothing. So that might be your first conversation is, you know what I realized after these 10 years, five years we've been together, we haven't talked about it. And, and I, it's so, you know, as you, I hope you can agree, it's, it's important. And I realized lately, I feel, usually I feel, I feel that we haven't made a lot of time for it. I'm not sure why, you know, I'm thinking, you know, I've been listening to a lot of people like, I'm like, always like blame me. Say you were listening to this podcast, you know, I was listening to sex with Emily. And she said, maybe we should schedule sex. And I can get into that too, but like we should, or maybe we should just, you know, I don't want to be the only one driving this. So tell me, what could be a great solution or why do you think we're not having sex?

• 9:39Speaker 01

  I think it's because I've been, we've been, I've been really tired, I'm overworked. You know, what, what do you think it is? And then you can problem solve. But what do you think we could do? We could schedule sex, we could plan things, we could, you know, and then the challenge is a lot of things can come up from there. Well, you haven't been listening to me, you know, so it's, this is why it's not a one-time conversation. And then you say, you go from there.

• 10:03Lewis Howes?

  What is the main reason that men stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time? And why is the main reason that women would want to stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time?

• 10:16Speaker 01

  You know what's interesting, Louis, is that we always want to split this by gender and it would be so much easier if we could. Men do it because of this and women do it because of this. And what I found out is that there is, there's, you cannot divide this on gender lines.

• 10:30Lewis Howes?

  Same thing for both?

• 10:31Speaker 01

  Same exact reasons, yep.

• 10:33Lewis Howes?

  So what's the reason then?

• 10:34Speaker 01

  So the reasons are, I mean, I could tell you that there's some male skewing things. For example, you know, so maybe there is some truth to probably what you're thinking is that, you know, men want variety or that it just gets to be sort of stale and it's not exciting anymore. But I hear that from women all the time.

• 10:52Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 10:52Speaker 01

  Yep, that they just sort of get bored with it, but typically they they stop having sex because it gets boring and then resentments build too. So usually there's an underlying resentment, something's happened, they've built up contempt. Well, once you get to contempt, that's a really hard place to come back from. But there's resentments, it's um, maybe it's, you know, they they thought because one time they told their partner they wanted to initiate more and their partner didn't. Well, then they hold that against them, they use sex as a weapon, they withhold it from their partner. I'm not gonna, you know, we're not gonna have sex. So there's the, there's the resentments, there's the, just you get bored. Cause you don't talk, you don't mix it up and you don't do different things.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  Um, it's also because some of the top reasons why they're not having sex is lower, you know, there's always a high desire partner in every relationship and a lower desire partner.

• 11:47Lewis Howes?

  Someone who desires sex more?

• 11:49Speaker 01

  There's always someone who wants more and someone who wants less. And unfortunately, those people never match up.

• 11:55Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 11:55Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:56Lewis Howes?

  So what do you mean?

• 11:57Speaker 01

  I mean, that's why it's so hard, you can't just like say, there's a lot of different, because there's always, it could be hormone. Here's the thing, let me go back to that.

• 12:03Lewis Howes?

  So you're saying there's always someone who wants it more than someone else and never at the same level?

• 12:06Speaker 01

  No, and that can switch. You're like, I really wanted it, but then I got really stressed. So another reason why we don't want sex typically doesn't even have to do with our partner. It could be because we're really stressed out with work. What I hear a lot from men is when men are really so, like, I'll give you some gender things here. When men are really stressed about money or finances, they're worried about, you know, work. It's like they've been like castrated, honestly. Because you think about the masculine, in many cases, I don't want to be, they're like, oh, I have to make a living, I have to be the man. And then if you are, you got laid off from work, you don't know how you're gonna pay the mortgage. Sex is the la- you are shut down. Sex could be the last thing on your mind.

• 12:41Lewis Howes?

  You don't feel sexually charged, you don't desire yourself.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  You don't, you, well, a lot of it has to do with the reason why, okay, so another reason why we don't want sex is because we're not feeling good about ourselves. So if you look at it holistically, yeah, it could be about an emotional reason, a psychological, it could be physiological, biological, your hormones. You know, for women, our hormones change over time after childbirth. Um, if you're on certain medications, that could also be a reason why we don't want sex. So it's, it's, whenever I dig deeper, it's typically not even about your partner per se. There's just always so many factors. It's like saying, you know, when you, why, you know, do you feel healthy right now? I mean, it's the same thing, like, oh, well, my exercise is great, but my diet isn't, or I'm really working out, but I'm not

• 13:26Speaker 01

  lifting weights, or you know, so it's like sex, it's like a, it's a puzzle that you have to look at all the elements. It's really hard.

• 13:34Lewis Howes?

  How do we simplify it?

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 13:35Lewis Howes?

  How do we just relax and allow the desire to flow for the rest of our life?

• 13:40Speaker 01

  I think that's a great question, and I think how we simplify it is we, we keep talking about it, we keep checking up on it, we keep saying, so where are we at now? And you set realistic expectations. So I'll give you an example, like when a woman gives, let's talk, I'm sure a lot of your listeners have, you know, children, or they've gone through this, or women in, in perimenopause, or just hormonal things. So let's say you wanted sex, um, all the time before you got pregnant, and then you have a baby. And for many women, their desire doesn't come back. Now, they go, they go to the doctor, they come home from the hospital, and the doctor typically says, oh, you'll be fine, you can have sex in six weeks. So much of the medical system and how we treat women and women's health is so inaccurate. You come in six weeks, yeah, maybe you'll feel a little bit better physically,

• 14:25Speaker 01

  but your hormones are all over the place. You're exhausted. You just birthed a human out of your vagina. And you're supposed to get all sexy and slinky and, and want sex. It's just... So that could be a thing. So then even setting expectations. So I think another important thing is you talk about it, but you also set expectations like right now, babe, I'm not, I'm not feeling it. Let's just say that I'm not gonna, it's not gonna be as frequent. But also people, the way we define sex is through intercourse, like PV sex. I'm talking about heterosexual couples. Penis goes into vagina. But sometimes we just miss intimacy with our partner. So sometimes it could be, let's just, you know, let's cuddle. Like, I'll give you a background for 20 minutes and you'll give me a background for 20 minutes.

• 15:08Speaker 01

  And then we'll see where it goes. Or we take sex off the table for a week and we're like, we just sort of do it like we did in high school. We kind of bring back that energy and that connection. So it doesn't always flow. And I think the problem is it will never flow, just like your health, just like nutrition, your spiritual practice, your religious practice. It is the same exact thing. And so the bill of goods that we are sold that this perfect sex life looks a certain way, and it's, you're always hot, you're always turned on, you're always wanna rip your partner's clothes off, doesn't exist anywhere for anybody on the planet, not even me. And I've been studying this for 15 years. And I started this because I was like, I don't ever wanna be in a relationship where

• 15:51Speaker 01

  the sex, it just seems horrible to be with someone that you don't wanna have sex with. And I thought, how do I unpack? How do I figure that out? And so now I know what to do when I'm in a relationship, but I still sometimes don't want it all the time. So let's just knock down that. And let's just say, to think that it's always gonna be in flow, and you're always gonna wanna have sex with your partner at the same rate, the same time, the same positions, your desires are gonna be the same as your partner, it's just setting yourself up for failure.

• 16:15Lewis Howes?

  Never gonna happen.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Never.

• 16:17Lewis Howes?

  So it's learning to be flexible, understanding, having greater communication with your partner, not having this fixed mindset that it's gotta be a certain way all the time.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:26Lewis Howes?

  Otherwise you're gonna let yourself down.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, set yourself free.

• 16:28Lewis Howes?

  Do you think, is sex, yeah, is sex more physical, psychological, or spiritual in your mind?

• 16:34Speaker 01

  I think it's all of those. And when we think it's only one thing, That's another way we get into trouble because we don't. Yes, it's physical, but for many people, it's a spiritual experience. It's all about connection. And here's the other thing, when we talk about communication, I don't just mean like, hey, let's talk about sex. Why aren't we having it? It's like, what are your desires? What turns you on? What are you into? What's the most, you know, great place for couples to start is? What's the most, the three most memorable times we've had sex? I'll write it down and then you write it down. Not with other people because that gets messy, but in our relationship.

• 17:08Lewis Howes?

  Five years ago in that car with that other girl.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. That girl went down and was crazy. Oh, my God. You're like, oh, shit, that wasn't you. That's bad. But once you start to kind of unpack. Maybe I had a woman call into my show a few weeks ago and she said to me, it was very similar. I was married for 15 years and we don't have sex. We have kids. I mean, this is literally the question. So I'm glad we're talking about this. And she said, and I asked her, I said, well, what's the most memorable time you had sex? She said, it was like in 2000. It was New Year's Eve and we were on the dance floor and we had, we had sex on the dance floor. And she was like, are we? I'm like, that's hot. I'm like, okay.

• 17:45Lewis Howes?

  Wait, with other people around?

• 17:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, there were like people, it was like, you know, New Year's Eve. It was busy, people couldn't see.

• 17:51Lewis Howes?

  That's pretty hot.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  It's hot. You're probably not going to match that with three kids like living in Ohio. Like, that's not going to happen again. However, what I got from that, and this is just a, this is just scratching the surface was, oh, so you like the unexpected. Maybe you have a little bit of a, you know, a voyeur thing in you or you like people to watch you or you like to be watched.

• 18:10Lewis Howes?

  Or to not, almost be caught or something.

• 18:12Speaker 01

  Yes, to be caught. The fear of being caught is a big one for people.

• 18:15Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 18:15Speaker 01

  So even just those kernels of the three most memorable, maybe it's on, for a lot of people, it's on vacation. Well, it's not, you know, that's why we all love vacation sex. So our like sexual DNA, like all the different sex things that we've done, like that, that will tell us or just telling what those sex acts is like the DNA of your sex life. It's like, what's worked, what hasn't. And the pro- the challenge is that it typically, we don't often match with our partner. And this is why I would love for people to have all of these conversations about sex before you commit. Or before you, oh, before you commit would be ideal. Before you get married. Cause you're like, oh, I want penetration. I want, I want more, I'm kinkier. I want, you know, so.

• 18:57Speaker 01

  So the three things are, you know, some people want more romantic, connected sex. Like my, you know, maybe your partner says, the best sex we ever had was when we were staring into each other's eyes. And we did that tantric breathing together. And then you're like, I liked it when I, from behind, when the lights were, you know, and.

• 19:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  And when we were watching porn together. And neither, there's no right answer here. But then how do people with disparate sexual desires and needs come together?

• 19:22Lewis Howes?

  It's so hard.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  It's possible.

• 19:24Lewis Howes?

  It's very possible. It's very hard.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  It's just very hard.

• 19:28Lewis Howes?

  It's almost like, there's a lot of people that get into a relationship through attraction. They have this instant connection.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:35Lewis Howes?

  And they realize after six months that they have different love languages.

• 19:39Speaker 01

  Yes, the love languages are huge.

• 19:41Lewis Howes?

  And the thing you love to create, maybe you like to share words of affirmation. But your partner doesn't do that in return. And you don't feel the love in return after a period of time when things kind of wear off. The honeymoon phase. You start to be resentful, whatever it may be, because they're not giving you what you want. And it's not their come from. It's not their normal way of being.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Right.

• 20:00Lewis Howes?

  So that's hard. But then you're in a relationship and you love each other and you try to make it work. It sounds like you gotta understand each other's sex language.

• 20:06Speaker 01

  So let's talk about that for a minute. So I think every couple, a great thing is to do, take the love language quiz first. Also, I have something on my site called, it's at sexwithemily.com. It's the yes, no, maybe list. This is a game changer. So I think it's, you take the love language quiz. Because usually we give love the way we want. We, we give love the way we want to receive it. And then that can get messy. It's a list that has literally like eighty sex, sex options. So it goes from kissing, to cuddling, to spanking, to watching porn, to mutual masturbation. Just everything that you've thought of sexually is on this list. And it's a game. You each fill it out. Is it a yes for you? Is it a no? Or is it a maybe?

• 20:48Speaker 01

  What a great conversation, because I always try to have hacks for people so they can sort of, because the conversation is so awkward, I always have all these exercises for couples, so just do this together. And then you're like, "Oh, you want to be spink? I didn't know that. I wanted that as well." Or, "You like to cuddle? We haven't been cuddling." You know, "What are your yeses? Let's start with all the yeses. Okay, let's do more of the yeses." You know, "What are your maybes? Well, let's just talk about the maybe here for a minute. How, why is it a maybe?" And it just gets the conversation going, and then you have it all laid out. And you see, like, where can we at least align, and then where can we negotiate?

• 21:23Lewis Howes?

  Right. What about the no's? What if someone's, yeses or someone else's no's?

• 21:27Speaker 01

  That, that's gonna take a lot of work. It's like the love language. It's, some of them are easier than others, but if your partner's like acts of service or time, some things are just hard. You're like, "Oh, God, acts of service. Can't I just pay someone to do this?"

• 21:40Lewis Howes?

  This is what I think. My girl loves acts of service.

• 21:43Speaker 01

  I know, see, that's hard for, I guess I'm speaking for, yes.

• 21:45Lewis Howes?

  It's so much time and energy to make you feel loved through an act, when I normally would never do this myself for

• 21:51Speaker 01

  I wouldn't do it for myself. I don't even wash my car or whatever, fill the tank with

• 21:55Lewis Howes?

  But I learned the hack from like hiring people to do certain things.

• 21:57Speaker 01

  Hire people to do things.

• 21:58Lewis Howes?

  But it's just, and that works, but it's still like, man, it's a full-time job.

• 22:02Speaker 01

  It is a full-time job.

• 22:04Lewis Howes?

  Help, being there for someone's love language, if it's not the same thing.

• 22:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's hard. Well, how great when you match up at least one of them, because usually we have two.

• 22:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:13Speaker 01

  We have one and then a primary one, so hopefully there's one that matches.

• 22:16Lewis Howes?

  We have a lot of mutual things also, but it's like, if you have your yeses or someone else's no's, that's gonna be really hard.

• 22:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, does everyone, your listeners, you talked about the love language before, because it's such a,

• 22:26Lewis Howes?

  It's great.

• 22:26Speaker 01

  It's a great, no, it is, it is, it's great. And that's a great starting point for couples too, because for couples who have never, like, let me tell you something, Louis. The majority of couples that I hear from, and even individuals, they've never talked about their sex life, not only that, but they've never even thought about love languages, they're at a, they're at a standstill, they've never had therapy. And so, I think taking a love language quiz, figuring that out, can be a great place to just to start, and peel back a layer, be like, "Oh, you want compliments, okay."

• 22:54Lewis Howes?

  What's the conversation starter that? Any person should have with their partner within the first couple of months about sex.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:02Lewis Howes?

  Maybe you've had sex a few times already, maybe you're about to have sex. In order to see if this is actually gonna work, to give you a chance of being great.

• 23:10Speaker 01

  God, in my world.

• 23:11Lewis Howes?

  What's the conversation that's uncomfortable but needed?

• 23:14Speaker 01

  Well, you should always talk about protection and if you're safe and you've been tested, you should do that before you have sex. Just have that conversation. And right now with like COVID, it's like, we're all talking about tested. Why don't you just talk about, have you gotten tested? Oh, great, you don't have COVID and how about STDs? So that's one thing. And then I think it's just about how important is, here's a great question. How important is sex to you? I'm someone who really wants to prioritize pleasure. It's really important to me to stay connected to my partner. I love touch. My love language is, is touch.

• 23:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, me too.

• 23:46Speaker 01

  How are you, yeah, and that's a hard one. If your partner isn't touch, that's another one that's super challenging.

• 23:51Lewis Howes?

  Really hard.

• 23:52Speaker 01

  I'm like, if you were not touching often and all the time.

• 23:56Lewis Howes?

  You're gonna feel wrong, you're gonna be resentful, it's not gonna work.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, they could be buying me gifts and they could be doing acts of service. I don't give a shit, but touch me, hold me. So that's hard, but just to say they're like, oh, no, I don't really like. So if they say, oh, I, you know, sex is, yeah, pleasure. What do you mean by that? Or God, and then they get really uncomfortable. Or maybe they shame you for talking about it, or they make you feel bad. Or like, what do you mean? I, I believe that if, if you have to talk about sex, the relationship's not gonna work. And I'm not saying you run away from that person because let me just, I can't say this enough, Louis, that most people haven't even talked about it or thought about it. A lot of times because they, the people don't have a lot of education or they haven't done research. So maybe their partner says, well, I've heard if we have to talk about it, there's a problem. Lots of people think that. It's just simply not true.

• 24:41Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  So if you're somebody who's with someone and you really like them, but that, then you could say, okay, well, I listen, a lot of people listen to my show together, they'll listen to my podcast, or give them some literature, however they learn and say, the truth is, couples who communicate about sex are actually a lot more satisfied. And when the, most couples who don't, the sex is gonna go down the tubes.

• 24:59Lewis Howes?

  Really, if they don't talk about it.

• 25:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:01Lewis Howes?

  So the more free or the more comfortable you are talking about it.

• 25:03Speaker 01

  The more comfortable you are. Listen, the couples who are not having a problem with sex, they're doing great. But when it becomes a problem, which it will if you never talk about it, it takes over the entire relationship. It's kind of like the 80 20 rule for sex. Like if it's a problem, it takes over. I don't know, is that sort of, you know, or like it's.

• 25:21Lewis Howes?

  It's like the elephant in the room that no one's talking about. And it's, why isn't our connection good? And intimacy is not good. But no one's willing to talk about it.

• 25:28Speaker 01

  No one's willing to talk about it because they don't know where to start. They don't actually know the problem. And a lot of us, and I actually do hear this from Volvo owners or women more often is that when there's a problem with sex, we blame ourselves. So we think he hasn't initiated sex lately. Oh, I gained weight. He saw my stretch marks. I'm not sexy. He's with somebody else. There's something wrong with me. And so therefore I need to fix it. When if she did, when if I just said, you know, to the partner or someone said their partner. So what lately I feel like we haven't been having sex as much. Is there anything going on? Cause I still does. Oh babe, I'm glad you brought it up. I've been so stressed with work. I mean, like, let's just solve it that way. But we don't, we're so afraid of talking about it that we're going to be confirmed.

• 26:10Speaker 01

  What we believe is true, that we are not lovable, which is ultimately the greatest fear on earth is that we will not be loved and abandoned.

• 26:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 26:16Speaker 01

  So we don't bring it up. And then we also have shame. Like I should always have be having sex all the time and something's wrong with me. And then we also don't have a model of people talking about it. So we don't know what to do.

• 26:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's not really talked about that much at all. Except for you.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Except for me.

• 26:30Lewis Howes?

  A few people.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  A few people.

• 26:31Lewis Howes?

  Who?

• 26:32Speaker 01

  I hope more people are.

• 26:33Lewis Howes?

  I know. Who, who cheats more in relationships, men or women?

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Honestly, it's, I used to think men, all the things, but it's very, it's fairly close right now. I think that they're like neck and neck.

• 26:45Lewis Howes?

  I think Esther Perel said that just as many women.

• 26:48Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:48Lewis Howes?

  She's hearing and her, her work are cheating on their husbands as much as men are.

• 26:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, and in my unscientific opinion.

• 26:55Lewis Howes?

  They just don't get caught.

• 26:56Speaker 01

  It's women don't get caught.

• 26:57Lewis Howes?

  How is that?

• 26:59Speaker 01

  Because we're just better at it.

• 27:00Lewis Howes?

  How do you sneak? How do you lie? How do you hold back the lie, the guilt, the, how do you not?

• 27:05Speaker 01

  Some people, um. I just think that women are, I don't know, that is a great question.

• 27:11Lewis Howes?

  It's almost like women can always tell when their man's not.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Always. We have that women's intuition.

• 27:15Lewis Howes?

  But then.

• 27:16Speaker 01

  Men are maybe sloppier. I don't know. This is like, this is just my, I don't know how, and women, I don't know if they get away with it, but women, they kind of do. We just cover our tracks. I don't know. But I often, I know a lot of women, this is again, just friends or listeners. But it is 50/50 and I can't answer why men get caught more than women. This is again, I'd love to see a study on this, but this is my hunch that men maybe, it's always about the phone these days. Although, I was watching, um, uh, what's it called? The show that was in the 50s about advertising. Oh my god.

• 27:56Lewis Howes?

  Mad Men?

• 27:57Speaker 01

  Mad Men. And I remember there was a scene where he was cheating and she got the phone bill. Like back in the 50s and it was like all these numbers she didn't know. So it's always been the phone. But now the phone can pop up on the iPad and the messages and all the things.

• 28:10Lewis Howes?

  Maybe the man's not checking the woman's phone as much as the woman's checking the man's phone.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm trying to think of what, I honestly think that women, okay, again, there are men like this too, all genders, but women are really good at like read, like we, we can read your facial expressions. Or we're intuitive. Or what do you mean you didn't come up? Or what, oh, you're, I don't know. We're like, we're like the scientists here.

• 28:32Lewis Howes?

  Questioning it, yeah.

• 28:33Speaker 01

  And I think that, that it does show a little bit that, you know, and there's also, these are also, I don't know how conclusive these studies are, but women, when women cheat, like women leave the relationship, they're more likely to already have someone. That men don't often leave until their female partner pushes it to end, like in a marriage or something. Yeah, I just, I hate to talk in like stereotypes like this because I think it's a case by case basis, but I do think that. Cheating is, yeah, common for, for everybody and it's not necessarily because the sex isn't great. Again, there's a lot of other reasons why people cheat. And what I talk about a lot is, what I would love to see is, I think monogamy works for so many people. Monogamy is great. Till death do us part, great, we're together forever.

• 29:18Speaker 01

  But for many people, it just isn't. And I know, and people think, oh, that's so crazy. If my partner was sleeping with someone else, I'd go insane. Well, it's not for you, but for some people, they, they, they don't think it's okay, or they don't know how it would work. But I know a lot of people in really long-term, open relationships, and it doesn't mean just go bang someone, honey, I'm not coming home tonight. I met someone really great at the bar. Doesn't work like that. It's like, okay, so these are my, because, okay, let's go back to the yes, no, maybe. Maybe I really want to be spanked, tied up. And you're just, or like, I don't feel great about that. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of, I'm like, okay, how would you feel if, once a week, or once a month, once a quarter, like, I think everyone needs a sex, we'll talk about that business plan for your sex life,

• 30:01Speaker 01

  but once a quarter, I went out and I did this thing. And then what, what do you want fulfilled? And you just sort of have, and the people I know in open relationships, and there's all, there's like swingers, and there's threesomes, and there's just all different things. They practice this rigorous communication, and they talk about everything. And they don't, sure, they get jealous, but then they sort of learn to sort of transcend that because something happens called compersion.

• 30:26Lewis Howes?

  Compersion, what's that?

• 30:27Speaker 01

  Compersion is when I actually, I'm, I actually get pleasure because I love you so much that you, you had pleasure.

• 30:36Lewis Howes?

  No way. Really?

• 30:38Speaker 01

  Absolutely. This is what happens.

• 30:39Lewis Howes?

  So it's like transcending jealousy into compersion?

• 30:42Speaker 01

  Compersion.

• 30:43Lewis Howes?

  Never heard of that.

• 30:44Speaker 01

  Your pleasure. I love you so much, and I trust you, and I'm glad you went and got spanked tonight. I'm glad you went and, you know.

• 30:49Lewis Howes?

  That's like a whole nother elevated human right there.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  Not even, yeah.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  How do you, how does someone, I mean, I feel like. On both sides, men and women, it's hard, it'd be hard for men to allow that to happen to their female partner. And I, I think the fear of, I won't speak in every woman, but I think the fear of abandonment for a lot of women is, is high. And if you're gonna go off and have this crazy wild experience with some younger, hotter, whatever girl, like, will you still wanna be with me? Is it safe and secure?

• 31:20Speaker 01

  That happens for many people, but I, I should also clarify that the, when these open relationships work, they don't start open. You are on a really solid place. I have so many people call into my show and say, we've been together 10 years and we've opened it up, in the last five years we've been swinging. I, I don't, most people that I know or that call in, that are my listeners, they, they had a really solid foundation and they talked about it for months. They have rules, they have boundaries, like, there's no kissing, there's no sleepovers. If you're with somebody, it's only once. And since you, and, and you, you have a contract, essentially.

• 31:56Lewis Howes?

  Is that the way it works for most?

• 31:56Speaker 01

  No, there's no most. I hear everything. Some people want the person that they, they want the same person.

• 32:01Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 32:02Speaker 01

  Some people don't, they want, it can't be anyone in our town. It can only be when you're traveling. It can only be our neighbor and nobody else. It can only, there's no kissing. You can never sleep over, you can only sleep over, but then don't come home, cause, you know, I mean, it's, but you get, but you might, and when you start at an open relationship journey, you, and you get to, um, just, it can be messy at the beginning, but you're like, oh, that didn't feel good to me, but you are, like I said, you practice, you both want this, for whatever reason you came to. Because we want variety, or actually turns me on to see you with another person, like, a lot of, and you'd be surprised. Probably your neighbors, there's people that you wouldn't believe likely are into it. Yeah. A lot of men like watching their female partners with another, so many, Louis, and I'll bet you a lot of your listeners are like, yeah, I'm into it.

• 32:47Speaker 01

  It's called cuckolding. It's called cuckolding, and it's, uh huh, and it's way, I mean, I'm telling you, people all over the country, they call to my show. And Midwest and all over, yep, I mean, I'm from Michigan, I have a lot of listeners like we, cuckolding is the act of, of a, of a man, it's typically a man, who gets his primary turn-on, or one of his main turn-ons, is watching his wife have, or his partner have sex with another man. I know, not for me either.

• 33:18Lewis Howes?

  It's just like this in their DNA. It's like this is a turn on for me.

• 33:22Speaker 01

  There's a lot of different reasons. So you, I hear it all. I mean, I, and I, you know, the thing about my show is like, no, zero judgment. I've heard everything. I'm open as long as it's safe and consensual.

• 33:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:31Speaker 01

  But I think that, that so a lot, going back to why we cheat, it's like, maybe we have a deep desire. And either we're too afraid to bring it up, or we brought it up, but our partner was like, no, I will never.

• 33:42Lewis Howes?

  Allow that.

• 33:43Speaker 01

  I will never allow it. And then you're like, well, this is a part of my core erotic blueprint. This is my, my erotic theme. This is what, this is a really main source of my arousal and you're saying no.

• 33:53Lewis Howes?

  No, you're shutting it down.

• 33:54Speaker 01

  It's really hard and then.

• 33:55Lewis Howes?

  So how do you live with that? If you want to be with someone, you love this person, you want to create a family and a life together, you want to live by, you want to make them happy, but you also want to make yourself happy. How do you do both?

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Hmm. Well, there's so many different pieces of the puzzle.

• 34:12Lewis Howes?

  Is it okay to shut down a desire?

• 34:15Speaker 01

  Yes, if you're okay with it.

• 34:16Lewis Howes?

  To be with someone else and you say, okay, I'm going to accept this. It's not acceptable in this relationship.

• 34:21Speaker 01

  All the time.

• 34:22Lewis Howes?

  So I'm going to kill this part of me and.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Is it a kill or it's like a let go?

• 34:26Lewis Howes?

  A let go, this desire.

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. No, because that kill is like, oh, it was a deep part of me. But if it's like, you know what? If I never have sex with another person

• 34:37Speaker 01

  outdoors.

• 34:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:39Speaker 01

  I could probably live with that because this person's all these other things. But it's usually not that black and white. Yeah. The riches of the connection and the love and.

• 34:48Lewis Howes?

  The relationship and what we created.

• 34:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:50Lewis Howes?

  It's not worth ruining.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  It's not worth ruining.

• 34:52Lewis Howes?

  For this fantasy once a year or something. Right?

• 34:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:54Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 34:55Speaker 01

  But things can work if we, I just want people to know what is possible. And, and again, none of this is for everybody, but it's, it's not prescriptive, but monogamy isn't for everybody. That's why half the people cheat. That's why half the marriages end in divorce, even though we're delaying marriage and getting married later, later. Um, and sex is often an underlying, like if you don't still have that connection and chemistry, even couples and couples are going to go through it. Like I, I think as long as you're, you know, it's not always going to be great. Relationships look like this, especially long-term relationships, but the couples I know that make it work, they always come back to, they ha, they still are having sex, like they're.

• 35:32Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 35:33Speaker 01

  Cause typically, maybe sometimes there's one person who doesn't want it as, you know, like I said, but. They make it happen, or they don't want to have as much sex, but they they figure it out because they know that that is the glue. And people will tell you differently, like, oh, we're best friends. We've decided we never need to have sex again, and we're just gonna be, we love, we love our family, love our house. If they're not having sex, eventually that will catch up with them and they will be miserable.

• 35:57Lewis Howes?

  Or one person will want that desire.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:59Lewis Howes?

  Something like that.

• 36:00Speaker 01

  They'll want it. We have to, we are, we are sexual beings. You people having sex, I mean, I have like an eighty year old called me on the show the other night, and he's got three women, and who's she grew up, I mean, it's a different world right now. You know, my mother watched my masterclass, and she's seventy seven, and she's like, you know, Emily, watching your masterclass, I was really inspired. I actually shaved my legs. She's been my stepdad for thirty five years. She's like, I realize I've been kinda lazy during quarantine, and I shaved my legs. I'm like, Mom, I'm so glad you were inspired, because we always need to remember that that's, you know, they're very happy. They have a wonderful relationship, but you know, he's eighty five, she's seventies, but it still is important, because then otherwise, we're roommates.

• 36:41Lewis Howes?

  What's the What's the craziest story you've heard in the last fifteen years of doing this work, where you were just, it shocked you? You're like, no, this is, like, you've heard everything, nothing's off limits, you're, you're, you're welcoming people, sharing crazy stuff all the time, to make it more normalized. So what is the, one or two things that come to mind?

• 37:05Speaker 01

  Oh, gosh.

• 37:05Lewis Howes?

  That was like, wow.

• 37:06Speaker 01

  I get asked this question, and then whenever I get asked it, I say, I really need a better answer for it, because to me, nothing is crazy. But I can tell you something that happened, and again, I usually, this happened recently. Um, do you mean like a crazy sex act? Or like, well, here's something. Okay, so there's a couple. This woman called into my show, and she said she had a crush. Because a lot, what I love about what I do is because I, people can call in, and then they call back, and they're like, well, hey, this worked, this didn't work. So like, we're all, like, the community, we're all in it together, sort of helping each other. So she called in, she said, I don't know what to do. I have a crush on my, this is kind of, we're gonna need to, on my ex-husband's wife.

• 37:47Lewis Howes?

  A woman on the woman.

• 37:49Speaker 01

  She's like, I just, we have this connection. We spend a lot of time together because she's essentially raising my kids. She's been with my husband for years.

• 37:55Lewis Howes?

  We're at the park together with my kids. We're this.

• 37:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I think she feels it too.

• 37:59Lewis Howes?

  That is crazy.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm. And she said, and I even told my husband, because she's remarried. She's, she's like, I even told my husband that we have a thing and, and, and he said, you know, you know, he was kind of okay, but like, thought it would be, you know. So then she calls back a few months later. Oh, so then, yeah, she calls back a few months later and says, you'll never believe what's happening. And this happened during quarantine. She said.

• 38:21Lewis Howes?

  Don't tell her they both got divorced and now they're together.

• 38:23Speaker 01

  We're in a throuple. The wife, the girlfriend, left her ex, left her husband, her ex-husband. And now the three of them, the husband, the, the wife, and then the ex-wife. Because she said to me on the first call, she said.

• 38:38Lewis Howes?

  The ex-husband's wife left the husband.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  To go for his ex-wife. So the two ex-wives are now together, and the husband. And it was, this might sound like, oh.

• 38:47Lewis Howes?

  The new husband, not the ex-husband.

• 38:48Speaker 01

  Yes, the new husband. The ex-husband's alone and sad.

• 38:50Lewis Howes?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 38:51Speaker 01

  He's alone and sad.

• 38:52Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  And the other crazy thing is, is that the, the woman was like, I feel this woman that I have a crush on, she's married to my ex, and this, this is a whole nother show, but she's like, the same, it's, he's, my ex-husband is an asshole or a jerk, you know, everyone thinks that, but he's doing the same things to her. And, and.

• 39:09Lewis Howes?

  They're almost bonded together because of the experience, the shared experience.

• 39:12Speaker 01

  Because people do, listen, we're all gonna repeat patterns if we don't work on ourselves.

• 39:17Lewis Howes?

  We don't heal it.

• 39:18Speaker 01

  We don't heal it. You gotta heal the trauma. That's just gonna keep going. So he was like, he was controlling, he was OCD, judgmental, all the things.

• 39:25Lewis Howes?

  So she would complain to the other girl.

• 39:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:28Lewis Howes?

  About what the ex-husband was doing to her.

• 39:30Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:30Lewis Howes?

  And they were like, yeah, he did nothing to me. And they were connecting. And they were like, oh.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  It was over a period of, yeah, exactly. Or just, yeah, it was over a period of a few years. So, I mean, at the end, I'm like, yeah, then your ex, the ex-husband needs to know, to go do some work, you know? Anyway, that was a pretty entertaining, that was a pretty unique scenario.

• 39:48Lewis Howes?

  And the new husband was cool with the throuple.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, see, this is what I'm telling you, Louis, that people are more open to things than you think.

• 39:55Lewis Howes?

  Were the women having a relationship by themselves?

• 39:57Speaker 01

  No, the man sometimes joins, but they all have an arrangement. They sleep in the same bed.

• 40:02Lewis Howes?

  This is crazy.

• 40:03Speaker 01

  This is not the first call I've gotten. Not about the throuple as a whole, you know, anything.

• 40:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean. I know, it sounds, yeah, that was pretty like, oh my, we're like following along with her journey. And I'm like, she called back six months later and this is what happened, so. I kind of think of what I hear that, but to me, Louis, everything is like, I've heard everything. I don't think that any people, people, what I love is that people feel safe to call me and it's like, it's all okay as long as it's, you know, people have certain, okay, so here's someone called in.

• 40:36Speaker 01

  This is my, this isn't crazy, but this, you just might find this interesting. This was last night. Her husband has a haircutting fetish. A fetish is something different than a fantasy or a kink that's required for arousal. Like people have a latex fetish or a, or a, um, a foot fetish. Like it's almost like.

• 40:53Lewis Howes?

  So what, so you need the fetish in order to be aroused? Or you won't be sexually aroused without it?

• 40:58Speaker 01

  I will not be at my best arousal state unless there is, I can't, I gotta massage your feet. I gotta massage your feet. They have to be somehow involved in our arousal.

• 41:09Lewis Howes?

  Otherwise, maybe you'll be turned on, but not fully turned on.

• 41:11Speaker 01

  Not fully turned on. That's a fetish. That's like a, and you could be like, oh, I kind of like feet. Sometimes we do that. So that's the difference. So this woman called in, she's been with her husband for 17 years. I believe she was in, um, Ohio. And she said.

• 41:25Lewis Howes?

  L H.

• 41:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, L H, yeah. I know, right, I'm from Michigan, right, exactly. So she said, um, haircut fetish and problem is we're in quarantine and I'm not getting my hair cut as much. And my hair was really short and now it's growing and I like it and my sisters like it. But I love my husband so much, what do I do? And it was just interesting. I had, I had heard that one once before, but like, she's like the hair, she said, but I see it.

• 41:49Lewis Howes?

  He cuts it.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  He, he, well, usually someone else cuts it, but he comes and she goes, and I see he's never as turned on as he is when I'm getting a haircut.

• 41:57Lewis Howes?

  Oh my God. So she can't grow her hair out of it?

• 41:59Speaker 01

  Can't grow hair. She's like, what do you, I'm like, buy wigs. I said, why don't you go buy a bunch of wigs? And you could also take it to the next place and be like, not only am I blonde tonight in this long hair, but I'm also going to dress a part and become my alter ego. Like, these are things that couples do to like, kind of, it's kind of hot to wear a wig. I once had a woman tell me she was working at a, a department store. I think I was like. Somewhere like in New York, buying something, I mean, because everybody, as you can imagine, opens up when they hear what I do, they're like, oh, let me tell you something. And she was probably sixty-five years old, at Bloomingdale's, working the makeup counter, and I was buying something, and I said, I'm going out to a conference or something. She said, what do you do? I said, oh, I'm a sex doctor, sex therapist. She said, honey, I got the best advice for you. I said, what, what? Because I always want to know. She's like, wear a wig.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  And, and I was like, hmm. And what she meant, what she was saying is, we, we all crave variety. We all want something different. We, it's gonna happen after a while. If I, if I give you this chicken every single night for dinner, you'd be like, can we please order a pizza? And so if every night, and then you just kind of surprise your partner, and you're wearing something different, and you sort of plan to role-play, and all this might sound kind of silly, or, oh, we would laugh. Fine, laugh. Sex is fun and funny, and then you get into a different, maybe you could, maybe some couples or people have called in and said, yeah, I took your advice, I, I dressed as something different, and I actually was able to channel like my insecurities that I usually have. I felt different. I felt sexier. I felt like I could take control because I wasn't me, and my partner could sort of

• 43:29Speaker 01

  connect with me on a different level. And so these are just, I have so many of these different hacks. It's different for everyone, but, you know, just don't give up on it, you know?

• 43:37Lewis Howes?

  Don't give up. What, what about someone's, what about if someone's struggling with orgasm? How do we not force an orgasm?

• 43:46Speaker 01

  Which gender? Women or men?

• 43:47Lewis Howes?

  Both. Yeah. What if both are like, I'm just not able to have an orgasm anymore. It's harder and harder, and I, no matter what I try, are they overthinking it?

• 43:56Speaker 01

  Well, I don't think that sex should be all about orgasm. We place way too much emphasis on orgasm. I mean, it's important. But what I've found is, there's a lot of different reasons why we can't orgasm, and that's also, there's like twenty different reasons. It could be, you're on medication, you're stressed out, you only can orgasm when you're alone, but when with your partner, you haven't showed them what you like yet, you have pain. For, for, there's a lot of different reasons.

• 44:21Lewis Howes?

  You have shame.

• 44:22Speaker 01

  You have shame. You have pain and shame. And so there's a, so if you can't orgasm, which, which...

• 44:30Speaker 01

  Now can't orgasm or like, okay, so I, it is different for the genders.

• 44:34Lewis Howes?

  Was blocked, maybe.

• 44:35Speaker 01

  So we could break it down. I mean, some women orgasm, like, I don't think there's anyone who, who can't have an orgasm. I think we can always have an orgasm, but we just don't, haven't gotten there yet. But very few people, like, can't anymore. Maybe they can't during penetration, but, you know, I have to, you know, I have to say this every day and people are shocked that only 20% of women orgasm during penetration.

• 44:58Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy.

• 44:58Speaker 01

  20%! And it's because your penis is nowhere near clitoris and there's not enough arousal and foreplay and there's not enough touching and, or maybe my love language is words and I need you to tell me all these things about me and I need you to slowly kiss my neck and warm me up. But when we just go right for penetration, no way will I have an orgasm. And most women orgasm from mouths and fingers and hands and toys, not a penis. So, and then for men who can't orgasm, it's typically other things. It's usually, do you want to do, what are you going to go off on at all?

• 45:30Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 45:31Speaker 01

  Okay, I mean, you know, this is like...

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  Go for it.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  Men can't orgasm because...

• 45:37Lewis Howes?

  Is it loss of testosterone? Is it stress?

• 45:39Speaker 01

  Everything. Testosterone, stress. As men get older, they lose testosterone. But it can also be because they're used to masturbating to some, to porn. So when they're alone, they use a certain grip.

• 45:51Lewis Howes?

  If they don't have the same tension.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  Tighter grip, yeah. Doesn't, it won't orgasm. Yeah, but you can figure it, there's hacks to everything, Louis. You can hack your sex life.

• 46:01Lewis Howes?

  What is mindful masturbation?

• 46:03Speaker 01

  Mindful masturbation? Mindful masturbation is a great practice for discovery and learning to, um, slow everything down.

• 46:14Lewis Howes?

  Something to do yourself or with someone else?

• 46:16Speaker 01

  You could do it either way. That's mutual. I love mutual. How about a mutual mindful masturbation? Mutual masturbation's the next thing. There you go. Um, mindful masturbation...

• 46:26Lewis Howes?

  Forward with Morris.

• 46:26Speaker 01

  What'd you say?

• 46:27Lewis Howes?

  The fourth, that was, Ebony Morris.

• 46:28Speaker 01

  Yes, exactly. Right. There you go. Right, Tom? Um, the, so, what I love about mindful masturbation is you actually go into it with a goal of not orgasming. The goal is to explore. The goal is to take time. You take half hour, whatever it is. You lock the door. You know the kids aren't coming in, your roommate, and you just get curious. And you set the atmosphere, like you're on a date with yourself. Whatever it is that gets you in the mood, you light candles, you play music, and you're just like, I'm gonna get curious about my body and what feels good to me. Because we have so many nerve endings on our body that we don't even dis- we all know the primary rodions zones,

• 47:10Speaker 01

  but there's like, like the nape of your neck, you know, your inner thigh, your, you know, just inner elbow, like for many women, like there's just

• 47:18Lewis Howes?

  An elbow.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  For men, yeah, like right here, like this part can feel really good to touch. And then you just sort of get curious and you breathe a lot, there's a lot of breath work. And you breathe, I mean breath and meditate, breath and masturbation, that's why I say meditate, masturbate, manifest. But there's a lot of things that are breathing that are so important with sex, so you just kind of breathe and you just sort of pay attention to all the sensations of your body. You essentially tease yourself or edge yourself. And then you just sort of, the goal of it is to be mindful and curious about what feels good to you. Now, I'm cool if you have orgasms and you go for it, but the great thing about it is a lot of us just assume that the way we orgasm now is the only way. Like I only had an orgasm this way and I'm never going to try anything else.

• 48:01Speaker 01

  And this is a great way to discover, like, can I have a nipple orgasm? How does it feel?

• 48:06Lewis Howes?

  What's a nipple orgasm? What's a nipple orgasm?

• 48:08Speaker 01

  A nipplegasm, very common. But a lot of women don't even know they can have it.

• 48:13Lewis Howes?

  Just having like pleasure on the nipples?

• 48:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:15Lewis Howes?

  And you have an orgasm?

• 48:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:17Lewis Howes?

  Zero arousal, zero touching in the genital.

• 48:20Speaker 01

  Yep. In fact, there's a, there's the sensory, the, the, the same region of your brain, it's called the, the sensory cortex, the genital, what is it called, the, uh, oh my god, my brain, the something sensory cortex of your brain, the, it, it, so your clitoris and your nip, we haven't even said clitoris yet. Your clitoris and your nipples are both, they both send brainwave patterns to the same part of the brain. So your arousal is stimulated, this, this part of the brain, so it is similar to, so the nipples and the clitoris. So sometimes you could do both at the same time. But women don't often, they think it's not possible. They think they could only have one orgasm. Majority of women can be multi-orgasmic.

• 49:01Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:02Lewis Howes?

  How many other places could women, women have an orgasm? Nipple?

• 49:07Speaker 01

  Nipple. Is this a lot for your show?

• 49:09Lewis Howes?

  Where else? We've never talked about this stuff, but where else?

• 49:12Speaker 01

  Good.

• 49:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, opening up.

• 49:14Speaker 01

  Listen, people need to know what, listen, my whole mission is to get people to prioritize their pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So, this is it. What, what, we need more pleasure. Let's talk about it. Nipple orgasm. Yes, I mean, there's some women, and they might even know this, but then their partner, maybe, they never explored on their own during mindful masturbation, or, and use some lube. Get, get, just get curious about it. And maybe after you already have an orgasm, you can, then your nipples be more sensitive, and then you can have another orgasm. I mean, I'm not saying it's for every woman, but they're pretty common.

• 49:49Speaker 01

  There's a nipple orgasm, there is an internal orgasm, an external orgasm, there are-

• 49:53Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between internal and external?

• 49:55Speaker 01

  Well, some people call it the G-spot.

• 49:58Lewis Howes?

  Oh, you mean int- gotcha.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  Internal, sorry.

• 49:59Lewis Howes?

  Internal, like-

• 50:00Speaker 01

  But for men, prostate. The prostate is, I'm telling you, for men, you can-

• 50:05Lewis Howes?

  You can have an orgasm through the prostate?

• 50:07Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah. Oh, my god.

• 50:08Lewis Howes?

  Very sensitive, huh?

• 50:10Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  No, Louis, it, it's like, a lot of men, like, I know, it's for exiting, makes me gay, like, a sex act does not make you gay. What, what happens is, the, the prostate, it's kind of like the, the male G-spot, and it's an internal, there's, kind of like the same way you find the internal, well, we could get back to the G-spot, but, for many men, using a finger, using a toy, and just exploring there, they have the most intense orgasms. Yes. We didn't, you didn't, oh, I should have brought you a anal toy!

• 50:41Lewis Howes?

  Okay, there you go.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  So, yeah, and so what I love is, in the last fifteen years, like, what I've seen is, it used to be like, straight men were like, nope, nope, and then now they're kind of like, oh, I hear what you're saying.

• 50:50Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious a little bit, yeah.

• 50:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, and it can help men who have premature ejaculation, or men who can't orgasm, like, that's always gonna do it. And the men that I know that have experienced it, they're just like, it's next level orgasm. It blows their mind. So, your partner keeps, yeah.

• 51:06Lewis Howes?

  Who, what's, what's more of a challenge for most men, from your understanding, and your show, and experience? Premature ejaculation, or unable to ejaculate, or takes-

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Delayed ejaculation.

• 51:17Lewis Howes?

  Delayed ejaculation.

• 51:18Speaker 01

  That's what we call it.

• 51:18Lewis Howes?

  What happens, what's more frequent?

• 51:21Speaker 01

  I would say I hear about pre- premature ejaculation more often.

• 51:25Lewis Howes?

  What is premature? Is this in a minute?

• 51:27Speaker 01

  A minute, minute or less.

• 51:28Lewis Howes?

  Minute or less?

• 51:29Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 51:29Lewis Howes?

  I don't even know how you do that.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, good, so this isn't your problem.

• 51:32Lewis Howes?

  That's crazy.

• 51:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's, it's really hard for men.

• 51:36Lewis Howes?

  Especially with the same person for years?

• 51:38Speaker 01

  It sucks.

• 51:38Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  Dude, I was with someone, I, I wonder if this is why I do what I do, but when, like, a very long time ago, 20 years ago, before I did this, because I didn't, this was my like second career, I, I was with somebody who was like premature ejaculator for like two years. Yeah, it's very common.

• 51:53Lewis Howes?

  Like every couple minute.

• 51:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, less than two minutes.

• 51:55Lewis Howes?

  Shut up.

• 51:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:57Lewis Howes?

  Every time for two years?

• 51:59Speaker 01

  I know, I was focused on other things. I wasn't as, I wasn't where I'm now, I mean, I was like, I didn't know.

• 52:03Lewis Howes?

  No, but that's, that's crazy.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, dude, well, so it's very common. So what was your question about it? Why do men, oh, is it why, or how do they?

• 52:09Lewis Howes?

  What is more common, premature or delayed?

• 52:12Speaker 01

  Premature is more common.

• 52:13Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 52:13Speaker 01

  But I hear more and more delayed lately, too. Delayed's trickier because they just don't know why, but sometimes they can when they're, you can solve all of it, you can get through all of it, we can get into all of it if you want.

• 52:24Lewis Howes?

  What's the, what's the strategy?

• 52:24Speaker 01

  We have a lot of good guides, um, the strategy for which one?

• 52:26Lewis Howes?

  For premature, what's the strategy that a man and a woman could take on to support it delaying five to 10, 15 minutes?

• 52:33Speaker 01

  Okay, there's a few things, and we have a great downloadable on our site that's like a pre, a guide to this, it's called The Guide to Edging. And this goes back to mindful masturbation for a minute. Because for many men, so what I would tell men who are premature ejaculators, I would say, do some mindful masturbation, meaning you, you need to start to understand your ejaculatory control. So when you're masturbating, because usually men who are premature ejaculators don't have the same problem when they're alone. So one thing I say is to edge yourself, meaning.

• 53:04Lewis Howes?

  When you feel it, hold it back.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  Hold it back. You get to a 10, so 10's orgasm, 1 is, I'm sleeping, whatever. Then you get to an 8, and then you bring it back down. And then you keep doing that, so you get to sort of start to understand.

• 53:17Lewis Howes?

  It's like training for your orgasm.

• 53:18Speaker 01

  Training, it's literally training. Um, men could do strains in their pelvic floor, men can also do their kegels. If you do come too quickly, or you can't get there before your partner, you know, a lot of times it's anxiety, it's a pattern. So you know, everything is patterning, our response, our react in our life, like how we go through life, our reactions to things, our, our traumas, it's all patterns. The same thing happens with your ejaculation. So if you're a guy who, maybe it was just one time, it was the first time you had sex, you got there too quick. It might now, you're so nervous, the next time you have sex, it keeps happening. We gotta break the pattern.

• 53:50Lewis Howes?

  Or it's the other way. It does, you hold it for an hour.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  Delayed ejaculation.

• 53:54Lewis Howes?

  Cause you're embarrassed or whatever.

• 53:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, you're afraid someone's gonna walk in and you don't ejaculate. So, so this is all also work dealing with your anxiety. Working on like, what, what is it? Are you on medications? You know what's happening? But if you do come to circle back to that too quickly, just take the attention off yourself and give it to your partner. I'm sure like if you're with a woman, she'd love you to go down on her.

• 54:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, focus on her.

• 54:16Speaker 01

  But when we take it off of ourselves and we can kind of, we're giving, then you're like, oh, I can go again or you know.

• 54:22Lewis Howes?

  Right. What's the biggest challenge you've faced in the last 15 years sexually that you've had to overcome?

• 54:28Speaker 01

  For me, what have I?

• 54:29Lewis Howes?

  Personally, the thing you've had to overcome the most that you struggle with.

• 54:32Speaker 01

  Oh God, I struggled with everything. No, I didn't. I was like, okay, I'll tell you. How much time do we have, Louis? You know, they say research is research.

• 54:41Lewis Howes?

  Research is research.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Like you, you, I believe that we get into, like you've started this podcast, right? To learn from.

• 54:48Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 01

  People, right?

• 54:49Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 54:50Speaker 01

  And I found myself not that satisfied with sex. Very like confused, I was like, everyone's always saying when you have sex, it's gonna be amazing. And I thought everyone was having orgasms all the time and I wasn't. And so when I started the podcast, I was not a sex expert. I just was curious and I invited a bunch of people over and interviewed them about their sex life. And I came to find out that most women weren't orgasming during penetration. And there was like, you know, all this stuff. So what have I learned is I've learned how to, I have multiple orgasms. So these are like my challenge, I could have so many orgasms.

• 55:24Lewis Howes?

  Before you couldn't.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  I could have one.

• 55:26Lewis Howes?

  Right. Now you can have multiple.

• 55:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, I couldn't have, I never had one with a partner and now I still.

• 55:31Lewis Howes?

  Never had one with a partner?

• 55:32Speaker 01

  No, no, no, sorry. Not, I wasn't as much, maybe just a few times, but during penetration. It wasn't as easy, let's just say. It was, it was, but now I know exactly what I need to do and how to communicate it. So I think I ca, I got what I, what I've learned is I'm just, I'm better at everything. Communicating with my partners. I used to just think that sex was about pleasing men. Like I thought it was about my partner's pleasure. And if they were satisfied, it didn't matter if I was satisfied. And I've just, I've learned all about my body. I've learned, I've done everything. That that I tell people to do, I've tried myself and I've worked through. So just being more communicative, more open, more experiential.

• 56:15Speaker 01

  I won't yuck your yum, you know, someone won't yuck my yum. Like that's what we say in sex a lot. Like if I'm like, oh, I really like this. If my partner's like, I really wanna be tied up, I won't be like, ew. You know, I'd be like, oh, okay, tell me more about that. Because then we're just, we already have so much shame and maybe trauma going into sex that we have to just be supportive, loving partners. So I think I'm a much better lover, like giver and receiver. I just, I understand. No one knows anatomy, no one teaches us about anything. You know, so I just.

• 56:46Lewis Howes?

  You have to guess and figure it out along the way.

• 56:48Speaker 01

  Right. I mean, sex education in America, it's only seventeen, only seventeen states require it to be medically accurate. If they teach it at all.

• 56:56Lewis Howes?

  I think I saw like one video when I was in middle school or something and that was it.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, it was probably horrifying, like don't get someone pregnant, don't get STD, have a nice life.

• 57:02Lewis Howes?

  Here's where I put a condom on.

• 57:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's all, that's fun.

• 57:05Lewis Howes?

  It was like, okay, figure it out.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  But what if they taught pleasure? What if they taught consent?

• 57:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  Game changer.

• 57:13Lewis Howes?

  How does a woman? For women who maybe struggle having one orgasm, how do they have multiple orgasms? If they're thinking, ah, this is never gonna happen for me, never happened for you. But then you learn how to do it. What's the, what's the process? Is it psychological?

• 57:27Speaker 01

  It's everything. Sex is always everything. It's always like psychological and emotional and you need a good space and hormones. What time of month is it, you know? That's the other thing that we don't. And I cover so much of this, I mean, I've done, as you know, like probably like you, thousands and thousands of podcasts on all of these subjects. But it's like, so multiple orgasms for women. Here's the great news. Is that women have the clitoris, right? And the clitoris has eight thousand nerve endings, twice that of a penis. Okay? Just take that in from it. And the only reason it exists is for pleasure.

• 58:00Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 58:01Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 58:02Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't exist for any other reason.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  No other reason.

• 58:04Lewis Howes?

  To be pleased.

• 58:05Speaker 01

  To be pleased. Well, maybe to give us an incentive, maybe it was like, you know, evolutionary speaking, so we would be into sex, so we could have pleasure and an orgasm. But also, the, the, the clitoris isn't just about the little like bud at the opening of the vaginal opening. It actually has legs called crura that extend behind the internally. So they're sort of like where the labia is, they're sort of behind the labia internally. So, so for women to have an orgasm.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  Typically, it's external, right? Like, so they're gonna use their fingers, or they're gonna use a toy, or their partner's gonna do something to them, go down on them, or... And that's a great way to have a first orgasm. And so our refractory period is a lot quicker than men. Refractory period mean time that you can get up and go again. Like, for many men,

• 58:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:59Speaker 01

  they ejaculate, and they're like, "I'm out."

• 59:01Lewis Howes?

  You're tired.

• 59:01Speaker 01

  Out.

• 59:02Lewis Howes?

  All the energy's gone.

• 59:03Speaker 01

  Done. Like, tomorrow, 24-hour record. Like, maybe Saturday. For women, if we just knowing this, I love this, because I just love to give women permission, and I, nothing, again, everyone's different, but what I've found is that it's possible. And so then, maybe you have an orgasm, whether you're with yourself or a partner. And then you just continue to breathe, and maybe you, you, for some women, after they have a external or, a clitoral orgasm, they're, they start to become, their nerve endings inside their, it's, they're, it becomes more engorged, right? More swollen, with blood, their labia, their clitoris, internally, we start to swell. Because of the, the erectile tissues and everything just start to swell, and you'd have more rouse. But maybe it hurts to still cut, you just wanna need a beat.

• 59:48Speaker 01

  So then you start to, maybe this is when you go play with the nipples, or you start to play with your labia, and you, you know, use lube, use your fingers, use a toy. There is nothing shameful about toys. It's just, if you think about it, if you have 8,000 nerve endings, like, why not, in all these pleasure zones on our body, why not just play with temperature, hot, cold, vibration? So anyway, maybe bringing in a toy, or touching yourself in a different area, because once you've kind of lit that match of the clitoris, of the clitoral thing, everything else is more aroused, the blood's flowing, you're like, turned on. And so maybe it's a matter of like rubbing your labia, bringing in a toy, putting a finger inside. And then you're just breathing, you're breathing through the experience, and you're not already checked out, because we talk about patterning.

• 1:00:33Speaker 01

  A lot of peo, women assume, like, "I'm done, I'm out, let's go to dinner." But if you give yourself time and permission to see what's possible, it's a game changer. Like, I have people, all the time, I'd say everyone who's worked for me, like, I've had so many interns and people over the years, and just like...

• 1:00:49Lewis Howes?

  I'm having multiple orgasms.

• 1:00:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, they still tech, like, guess what, I had a... vaginal yeah I mean that's because I I I be like get fifty pounds of sex toys in the office too a week and I'm like your job is to try this toy but they come in and they ask me questions I really want to empower women we don't we don't talk because we don't well first off not only don't we talk to our partners about it but we don't even talk to our friends about it women

• 1:01:11Lewis Howes?

  really women don't talk about it to each other

• 1:01:13Speaker 01

  barely they're like I had sex I didn't have sex but now I think it's changing what I hope is it's changing and that more women are talking about masturbation but if you think about it like American Pie like all the movies growing up men are masturbating it's like a thing that they do but women good women like don't or or we grew up in a religion where it was shamed you're not supposed to masturbate so but but masturbation is the key is the key to figuring out your body what feels good like whether it's mindful or you hit it and quit it I don't care how you do it but masturbation is just important whether you're in a relationship or out of a relationship because that's so that's what I learned in fifteen years I masturbated but I didn't really like do the discovery process and now I just sort of I get it I know we are all walking around these incredible

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  bodies with so much possibility and we just scratch the surface we don't even know no one tells us

• 1:02:05Lewis Howes?

  why do you think religions or parents have made masturbation a bad thing for kids and people

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  I mean religion I don't even mean that's just because you know I think control over women's bodies and energy and and it should only be for procreation and I mean there's I mean it goes back I think so much about sex and religion are tied up and you would know more than I would because I know you grew up in I mean I don't know what you're I mean I do I mean I do know I do know that it's just like it's control so saying that you can only have sex in a way that it can have more kids that are going to benefit the church or that you know that sex is sinful and wrong and I think if you go back to like Adam and Eve like Eve was a temptress like she made him like bite the apple and that that's her fault right so I feel like a lot of it goes back to shaming women and our

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  bodies and the the whole the goddess and there's there's a lot of reasons why now parents though I could talk about we don't have to get into religion But parents, what I can tell you is it's because they don't know either.

• 1:03:07Lewis Howes?

  They understand it, so they're scared of it or they're.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  They think it's wrong, or, oh god, my kids, when I try to talk to my fifteen year old about sex, they just go, oh mom, I don't want to hear it. But like, that's because we don't do it, we don't ever talk about it, but there's only, there's a few countries, like in the Netherlands, um, not many, where they, they actually start teaching consent in sex ed when kids are five. They're not saying, go out and have sex, here's what you do, it's like, your body, your temple, consent, here's the body parts, they even teach them like in third grade, if you start to get feelings for somebody of the opposite sex, they talk about it, they talk about orgasm.

• 1:03:42Lewis Howes?

  They normalize it.

• 1:03:43Speaker 01

  They normalize it.

• 1:03:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. They don't make it this like scary thing.

• 1:03:47Speaker 01

  We make it really scary, and so our parents, our parents of kids are, they don't understand it either. But I've had a lot of great breakthroughs, a lot of my listeners are like, I finally did it, I talked to my daughter, I talked to my son, it was weird, but, because it's okay for a parent to say, you know what, my parents didn't talk to me about it, this conversation is uncomfortable for me too, and I'm still discovering and learning, but um, I want to tell you, like, here's how your body works, or I want to listen to this podcast, read this book together, let's learn together, it's not shameful. You know, it's just, we're, we're setting kids up, not for sex, we're not setting them up for success.

• 1:04:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:23Speaker 01

  Sex-cess.

• 1:04:24Lewis Howes?

  Sex-cess, sex-cess, what's one thing you wish men would understand about their female partner, uh, more? And one thing you wish women would understand about their, if they're in a female male relationship?

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  It's a good question.

• 1:04:40Lewis Howes?

  That would help them thrive better and, and be more compassionate and loving and.

• 1:04:45Speaker 01

  Such a good question, okay, one thing, I think that men, I want to tell men.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  That she comes first. There's two things that popped in my head.

• 1:05:00Lewis Howes?

  Literally, she goes first?

• 1:05:01Speaker 01

  Literally, she comes first. There was a wonderful book written by Dr. Ian Kerner. I think it just had its 20 year anniversary. And it's called She Comes First. Because men are gonna orgasm.

• 1:05:12Lewis Howes?

  And then they're done.

• 1:05:13Speaker 01

  They're done.

• 1:05:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:14Speaker 01

  Women are, let's think of it this way. Women are slow cookers and men are frying pans. You get aroused, you're ready to go. Women have more of a responsive desire. We respond, we need to be warmed up. You gotta heat us up. Foreplay. Foreplay's not just like a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement for many women. Again, we're all different, but we wanna, whether it's even words, or I needed a massage or a bath for us, like, we have to take a while to get warmed up. So I would say that, um, figure out, so that's just, I mean, she comes first is, is, because you're gonna, it's gonna come back to you. Like, the more that you understand her body.

• 1:05:50Lewis Howes?

  More you turn her on?

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  She's not gonna be like, oh, I'm not gonna please you. And I think just the way you look at, this is, this is where I can say that we are very different. The way we get aroused is different for men and women. So I would say, um, the one thing I want you to know is that she's, you gotta focus on, you know.

• 1:06:06Lewis Howes?

  Her first?

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think I would, yeah. I mean, that's, what else you gotta say?

• 1:06:11Lewis Howes?

  It makes things a lot better, yeah.

• 1:06:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, focus on her first and then find out, like, what, what turns her on and talk about it.

• 1:06:17Lewis Howes?

  And then for women?

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  I think for women, what do women, what do men?

• 1:06:22Lewis Howes?

  What do men want and need more from women that you're hearing they're not getting?

• 1:06:28Speaker 01

  I think that men need more attention. They want you to, this is, again, we're talking heterosexual relationships. They wanna know that you're into sex. They want you to initiate. They want you to lead sometimes. And they want you to, to be, you know, I guess I'm just thinking about men who come to me. Usually it's about their penis. They're worried about their penis size. They're going through all the things. And then the, yeah, they're worried about, they're so, men worry so much about their penis. Yes.

• 1:06:56Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  Yes. And I'm telling you that women do not, it's, cause I remember what I said, not about your penis. If you're a good lover and you do all these things, it's really not about that. So I think that what men need is, I think they wanna know that their partner's into sex. That she's not just doing it to get it over with, that she's actually enthusiastic and then she cares and she cares about his pleasure and... And that sometimes maybe she'll, you know, initiate or have ideas about it or... What do you think? I'm trying to think. It's a great question because mostly it's about men worried about their self, themselves. But they need attention from women and enthusiasm and participation.

• 1:07:34Lewis Howes?

  I think so, yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think. I mean, I feel, I feel pretty good in my relationship right now. I'm trying to think of past relationships that weren't working sexually maybe, but... And I've also not been like married, you know, long-term after, you know, a few years in a relationship. So I'm not sure what that looks like 10 years down the road. Once you've had kids and what the needs are, I feel like they're gonna shift a lot at that point.

• 1:07:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, but that's why I want people to get ahead of it because if sex, talking about sex becomes just like you're talking about, where are we going on our summer vacation? How are we gonna raise our kids? What religion? What are our values? Sex becomes part of it, so it's not awkward. It's just like, oh, baby, we haven't had sex in a while, let's do, like you just, it just becomes part of everything. Like when you're not feeling like you're taking care of yourself nutritionally, you're like, I gotta get better, I gotta eat more greens, you know? So that's, I feel like we could get ahead of it if we covered it. We don't wait until there's a crisis.

• 1:08:27Lewis Howes?

  Is there anything we shouldn't say when we're courting someone? Uh, in the first few weeks of dating them, is there anything we should not talk about when it comes to sex? Should we not say in the first night, you know, this is my sexual fantasy. Are you either in or you out?

• 1:08:41Speaker 01

  Depends on the partner. I think that sometimes, okay, so where we're at now and today in 2020, I think that since I'm telling you that most people have never talked about sex and they probably have some judgment around it and shame and it's hard for them or trauma, that if you just met someone and you're out for a first date and you're like, I just want to be clear that I, this is my fantasy and I'm really into bondage. Are you down? Now, that might, okay, so it could go two ways. You might, it might be great because if you're with someone who freaks out and she runs out the door.

• 1:09:13Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 1:09:15Speaker 01

  Listen, she's saving you a lot of time. If you brought it up, it's probably because that's something you really need. But I think like everything, it's like some people have like overshare, they do too much. I just think baby steps is okay. So I think it's okay to say, you know, are you someone that, do you like pleasure? Do you like sex? Do you, you know, but I don't know that you lead, just like, I don't think on the first day I should get into all my like trauma, my childhood stuff, like, let's get to, it's not like, you know what I'm saying? We wanna babe, like everything, you gotta like get to know somebody.

• 1:09:45Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:45Speaker 01

  But I, I don't know what it wouldn't be, but I think, I think, I think mostly we don't even talk about it. This is the problem is that we, I don't know what you shouldn't say. I hate to like tell people, I don't know, I think.

• 1:09:59Lewis Howes?

  You gotta feel it out.

• 1:10:00Speaker 01

  Be honest.

• 1:10:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you gotta feel it out.

• 1:10:01Speaker 01

  Feel it out, but don't wait too long. I think that right when you have sex with someone is the time to start talking about it. So how was that? What do you think? Like what?

• 1:10:08Lewis Howes?

  What did you like more of?

• 1:10:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:10Lewis Howes?

  What did you not like?

• 1:10:11Speaker 01

  It seemed like when we were having sex, you were about to orgasm, but did you much, tell me what you like, or what, what feels good to you? Did you like when I was doing that? Not in the bedroom. This is like the next morning at breakfast.

• 1:10:19Lewis Howes?

  Not right afterwards.

• 1:10:20Speaker 01

  How was that for you? I thought it was so hot when you were doing this thing and that felt like it felt good. Did that feel good? I mean, just.

• 1:10:27Lewis Howes?

  But not in the bed, right at five minutes afterwards?

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  No, I prefer.

• 1:10:30Lewis Howes?

  Someone's gonna get hurt or emotionally.

• 1:10:32Speaker 01

  I think so. I think they do, they do. I mean, I know so, but, I mean, it depends. If you're in a long-term, solid place, you guys get to decide. I'm just giving you what I've seen has worked over all these years.

• 1:10:42Lewis Howes?

  We've got an amazing show, Sex with Emily, that talks about all these things and has lots of great questions from listeners calling in. You also have a master class.

• 1:10:50Speaker 01

  Master class, yeah.

• 1:10:51Lewis Howes?

  That just came out that people need to get.

• 1:10:53Speaker 01

  So yeah, we have a couples course coming out in February.

• 1:10:55Lewis Howes?

  What's it called?

• 1:10:56Speaker 01

  It's called, I, it's, I don't know what it's called yet, but it's really like all these conversation starters for couples. It's exercises for couples to, wherever you're at, it's a lot of things I'm talking about, like to set the spark, like it's first uncovering your roadblocks. Like, what are the three areas where you're not communicating? Clearing those out, and then you get, I walk you through how to communicate about sex. Like, it's just had all these different steps in it. There's, it's like my best stuff in there. I'm very excited about. I don't know what title for you. It is, it is, but also on my site right now, which we have a bunch of downloadable, which is guides, quizzes, everything. Great guides.

• 1:11:30Lewis Howes?

  Tools.

• 1:11:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:31Lewis Howes?

  All free, your stuff's free at your site, sexwithemily.com. The podcast is Sex with Emily, the master class. What's the master class called?

• 1:11:39Speaker 01

  It's called Emily Morris Teaches Sex and Communication.

• 1:11:42Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, let's bring it.

• 1:11:43Speaker 01

  And then I have a show on Sirius XM, five nights a week, which is separate.

• 1:11:47Lewis Howes?

  You're a machine. You're doing a lot.

• 1:11:48Speaker 01

  I'm a fucking machine. Five to seven PM. Monday through Friday. It's live. It's the only call-in show for with about sex. I mean, about anything.

• 1:11:55Lewis Howes?

  I'm serious. And then you have a podcast. It's different. Yeah. Wow.

• 1:11:59Speaker 01

  Busy.

• 1:12:00Lewis Howes?

  Books, everything.

• 1:12:01Speaker 01

  It might be different when this come. I mean, I'm.

• 1:12:03Lewis Howes?

  Who knows what will happen, but yeah.

• 1:12:04Speaker 01

  We're negotiating my contracts up, so I'm like.

• 1:12:06Lewis Howes?

  Trying to figure it out. Yeah. But lots of things over at sexwithemily.com. You can get access to that. I got a couple of final questions for you.

• 1:12:13Speaker 01

  Okay. And people can also email me with questions. Feedback at sex. Feedback.

• 1:12:16Lewis Howes?

  Can they get on your show by asking questions somewhere?

• 1:12:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, they can call in.

• 1:12:19Lewis Howes?

  And call in.

• 1:12:20Speaker 01

  So they call into my Sirius show and then now we also do it. So just call in and or email me. They call into Sirius and then we can put that. Sometimes we put those into the podcast and they just go to my website and you'll see how you do it. But they can call or email or social media, you know. I get hundreds of questions a day. Everywhere.

• 1:12:37Lewis Howes?

  That's fun.

• 1:12:38Speaker 01

  Super fun.

• 1:12:39Lewis Howes?

  That's fun.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  I love my job.

• 1:12:41Lewis Howes?

  Couple. What do you wish more people asked you that they don't ask you?

• 1:12:45Speaker 01

  About sex? Huh. It's a good question. What do I wish?

• 1:12:49Lewis Howes?

  What's the thing people should be asking more of that they're not?

• 1:12:51Speaker 01

  That's, that's a great way to put it. I think that people should be asking about. I wish that people got more curious. Sometimes we just put. People always call in like my partner, blaming others, and I wish that people got more curious about.

• 1:13:06Lewis Howes?

  Look in the mirror first.

• 1:13:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. I wish people got more curious about themselves and they weren't trying to fix other people, but they were.

• 1:13:12Lewis Howes?

  He won't do this. She doesn't do this. They don't do this. It's like.

• 1:13:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:15Lewis Howes?

  Take a look at the mirror.

• 1:13:17Speaker 01

  Exactly. Yeah, I wish we started there. And I wish that people just thought more about their own pleasure. Because if we all understand our bodies were much better lovers to each other.

• 1:13:28Lewis Howes?

  That's good. This question is called the three truths. I ask everyone at the end this question. So it's a hypothetical question. Imagine it's your last day on earth, many years away from now. You get to live as long as you want to live, but then at one point you gotta turn the lights out and you gotta go to the next place. And you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish. You've transformed millions of lives sexually in their relationships. You've done all the books, the podcasts, everything you want to do, it's happened. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your content with you. All of your written word, audio, video, it has to go to the next place. So no one has access to any more of this information. None of it, it's gone, hypothetical, okay?

• 1:14:09Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:14:09Lewis Howes?

  Uh, but you get to leave behind three things you know to be true. From the lessons you've learned in life, three lessons that you would share with the world. Based on your experience, what would you say are those three things for you?

• 1:14:22Speaker 01

  About my work, the three things are?

• 1:14:24Lewis Howes?

  Just about life, like three lessons you've learned.

• 1:14:26Speaker 01

  Oh, in life?

• 1:14:27Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, what are the three biggest lessons you've learned that you would want to leave behind?

• 1:14:30Speaker 01

  This is hard. Uh, wherever you go, there you are. Can you have any of you like things like that like? Uh, that's not my own, but is this about, wait, you're saying it's about me? I just feel like that's the thing, like you try to pull like a geographic and move around that like lessons in your life, like wherever you.

• 1:14:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:47Speaker 01

  Are, we are the same, you know, figure out your own stuff where you're at.

• 1:14:50Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  Um, mindfulness works, meditation works, like don't fuck around, just do it. To me, that is a game changer. And that so much if you, your mind will control you if you don't learn to understand your mind.

• 1:15:04Lewis Howes?

  That's true, that's powerful, okay, number three?

• 1:15:08Speaker 01

  I would just feel to prioritize our pleasure, really, like, like pleasure, pleasure is your birthright. And we all deserve to have pleasure. And we, we prioritize so many other things, work, family, home, and usually we put ourselves last. So.

• 1:15:23Lewis Howes?

  That's a good one, I've never heard that one, prioritize your pleasure.

• 1:15:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's my mission statement.

• 1:15:28Lewis Howes?

  Is it really?

• 1:15:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:15:29Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 1:15:30Speaker 01

  Pleasure positive, prioritize your pleasure, I'm all about pleasure because we don't, especially now, we need more pleasure and we. We're like, well, I'll get to that once I finish this and then I deserve sex or then I deserve, I mean, give me pleasure however you look at it, but I would say. Prioritize your pleasure and um, yeah, because it matters and if we don't have that, then we're just fucking working and dead. We're just dead, we're dead, but that first one should be first.

• 1:15:53Lewis Howes?

  That should be the first one, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:55Speaker 01

  Well, if you were, do you feel good when you have more pleasure in your life, whatever that is?

• 1:15:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  Like, what does that look like for you, you know?

• 1:16:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I think of just joy in general, like having a joyful life is pleasure for me. Doesn't have to be sexual, but that's nice too.

• 1:16:08Speaker 01

  I'm not just talking about, because you said not just sex, right?

• 1:16:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:13Speaker 01

  I could give you my three sex lessons, but those, I think I already did.

• 1:16:16Lewis Howes?

  Sure. This is great, though. One final question for you, Emily. Before I ask it, I want to acknowledge you for a moment for the mission you're on. I think so many people are suffering from

• 1:16:26Speaker 01

  They are.

• 1:16:27Lewis Howes?

  a lack of sex education, a lack of sexual healing, sexual shame, sexual misunderstanding, and just hurt and pain around sex.

• 1:16:38Speaker 01

  So much.

• 1:16:39Lewis Howes?

  And the fact that you've dedicated your life to this for 15 years and you show up every week for men and women and all human beings to help them solve this problem is such a massive gift. And so even though this isn't something that we talk about a lot on the podcast, I thought it was necessary to have you here and really help people. Even if this helps one person listening, it's worth it. Unlocking their shame and their pain to having some type of healing. I know there's a famous song, Sexual Healing, but it's, you know, it's important for people that have been locked in a prison of their sexual shame. So I acknowledge you for making the uncomfortable more comfortable.

• 1:17:22Speaker 01

  Right? It wasn't so bad.

• 1:17:23Lewis Howes?

  For, yeah, for being able to communicate it in ways that people can understand it, for being able to create tools and trainings and free things and podcasts and shows and classes so people can consume it. And I think it's great that you're, that you're doing it. So I appreciate that.

• 1:17:38Speaker 01

  Thank you, Lewis.

• 1:17:39Lewis Howes?

  Of course, of course.

• 1:17:40Speaker 01

  Thanks for having me. I'm super proud of you and all the work you're doing, too. People love you. You are inspiring so many people and you do the same exact stuff, but if, you know, around, around everything. I love the way you interview, too, it's just very listenable and there's always, you're just, you're patient. You're good at this stuff.

• 1:17:56Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

• 1:17:58Speaker 01

  But can I say one more thing? You could add this or not?

• 1:18:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I have one more question, too.

• 1:18:01Speaker 01

  You just thought me about, you were saying about, hopefully this will help one person. I'm gonna say that I think that since we don't look at this part, I believe that when we heal ourselves sexually, whatever that looks like, we will heal so many other parts of our life. Sometimes we think that there's other things wrong, but we are, we are holding on to stuff. And once we kind of get into it, and that's why the master class is great for that, or by site, whatever, podcast, you'll realize that like this was the problem all along, but since no one's pointing it out, they're like, I should change my diet, I should do that. Like, what about, how, what's your relationship to yourself and your body? And your self-image? And, and once you heal that, you know?

• 1:18:40Speaker 01

  More pleasure.

• 1:18:41Lewis Howes?

  That's good, yeah. Final question for you, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:18:45Speaker 01

  Oh, my definition of greatness is be kind and work hard and stick with your beliefs, surround yourself with good people, communicate your mission, give as much as you receive. In fact, give more than you receive. That's a great greatness. Good person.

• 1:19:05Lewis Howes?

  There you go. Amy Morris, thank you so much. Appreciate it.

• 1:19:07Speaker 01

  Thank you for having me.

• 1:19:08Lewis Howes?

  Appreciate it.

• 1:19:09Speaker 01

  It's good to see you.

• 1:19:11Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so, so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, make sure to share it with a friend you think would be inspired by this. Just send them the link lewishouse.com/1070 or copy and paste the link wherever you're listening to this and text someone, post it on social media, or share it anywhere you think people would enjoy listening to this. And if this is your first time here, then welcome again to the School of Greatness. Please click that subscribe button over on Apple Podcasts right now, as well as leave us a rating and review. Let us know what you enjoyed about this, the thing that was the biggest takeaway for you and the big aha moment. We love to see reviews and that also supports us in sharing this message with more people over on Apple Podcasts. So please subscribe to Apple Podcasts or Spotify if that's where you listen and leave us a rating and review. And if you want inspirational messages sent to your phone

• 1:19:56Lewis Howes?

  every single week from me and other goodies and surprises, then make sure to text the word PODCAST right now to 614-350-3960. Again, text the word PODCAST to 614-350-3960. And I want to leave you with this quote from Ernest Hemingway, who said, "The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too." And I think this is an important reminder for all of us that sometimes we go so deep into supporting someone else in a relationship that we forget to support ourselves first, which is always extremely important. And I want to remind you, if no one's told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter, I'm so grateful

• 1:20:40Lewis Howes?

  for you today. And you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.