3 Effective Ways to Disconnect from Social Media & How to Optimize Your Morning Routine

Today, I will be sharing with you the conversation I had with Ashley Graham on her Pretty Big Deal show. We talked about how we go about detoxifying from social media, the different love languages relationships can thrive from, why self care is top priority and how it can affect how you show up to others, and how one act of kindness can become infectious if recognized and encouraged. You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:25 It started with rebellious teenage years and ended with a purposeful journey 07:56 What’s the difference between a calling and a desire? 10:43 What is faith to you and how do you practice it daily? 12:42 With a message to share, how can you find the right platform to reach more people? 16:34 The biggest rules you can set around social media use 20:48 Who is your rock and how do they help you? 21:40 Is anyone truly a love expert? 25:05 What is your love language? 28:58 This is the real secret that makes relationships more compatible and secure 30:59 How do you deal with heartbreak? 33:04 You only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself 35:08 What happens when you say thank you to someone who’s kind to you? 39:07 Should you take care of your self first? 40:56 Fatigue and hard work doesn’t always mean success 42:06 Three practices of self care you can learn and practice today 50:54 Peace isn’t always attainable, but there are things we can do daily the brings us peace 54:55 Jay shares what his pretty big deal relationship Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 0:43Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop.

• 1:26Jay Shetty?

  AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements, and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:01Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised to yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 2:45Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life. We dive into a range of topics

• 3:27Jay Shetty?

  and the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule, no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year. So I'll be playing a handpicked Daily J during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your habits and how to develop better daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to The Daily J every day, you can subscribe to Calm. So go to calm.com/j for 40% off your membership today.

• 4:08Ashley Graham?

  Finally made it.

• 4:09Jay Shetty?

  Thank you. Thanks for having me here.

• 4:11Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 4:11Jay Shetty?

  It made it happen.

• 4:12Ashley Graham?

  I know.

• 4:13Jay Shetty?

  You're in LA.

• 4:14Ashley Graham?

  I was a guest on the Jay Shetty podcast.

• 4:17Jay Shetty?

  You're an amazing guest. Everyone loved you.

• 4:19Ashley Graham?

  Oh, it was so much fun.

• 4:20Jay Shetty?

  The short video we made that we put on Facebook and Instagram.

• 4:22Ashley Graham?

  Oh, we got it.

• 4:22Jay Shetty?

  That went so far. Like, people loved your episode. Like, absolutely loved it.

• 4:26Ashley Graham?

  Ah!

• 4:26Jay Shetty?

  It was amazing. It was incredible.

• 4:27Ashley Graham?

  Well, they're gonna love this episode. I'm pretty big deal.

• 4:30Jay Shetty?

  I'm very grateful to be here. Thank you.

• 4:31Ashley Graham?

  Oh, I'm so grateful that you're here. Last time we saw each other, I was like getting down.

• 4:35Jay Shetty?

  I know. I know.

• 4:37Ashley Graham?

  To Bruno Mars in high heels.

• 4:37Jay Shetty?

  It was impressive.

• 4:38Ashley Graham?

  Okay, so we have to just like start from the beginning.

• 4:42Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 4:42Ashley Graham?

  Not childhood, but like where Jay Shetty was kind of born into who he is today. That was going into monastery.

• 4:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely. So we'll start from there?

• 4:53Ashley Graham?

  Yeah, let's start from there.

• 4:54Jay Shetty?

  I'll give you a bit of a prequel, just because it's important.

• 4:57Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 4:57Jay Shetty?

  So I spent my teens being an absolute rebel. And I was always experimenting with everything under the sun, multiple relationships, dabbled in drugs a little bit. Nothing for the form of addiction or wanting anything else apart from really seeking a thrill.

• 5:13Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 5:14Jay Shetty?

  Like, I was looking for a thrill. I was looking for meaning. I was looking for passion and purpose. But for me at that time, I didn't know what that was called. And it kind of came out in all these rebellious ways. And I think that also came from coming from a family where it was very much like, live by the rule. You know, you can be a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure.

• 5:29Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 5:29Jay Shetty?

  Like, you've got these three options. And then I was trying to rebel and question that. The most important thing was that I spent a lot of my teens, starting at the later end of my teens, really wanting to learn.

• 5:40Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 5:40Jay Shetty?

  And really wanting to hear from people who went from rags to riches.

• 5:44Ashley Graham?

  And it just hit you?

• 5:45Jay Shetty?

  It was one of those things.

• 5:46Ashley Graham?

  Like, I have more purpose?

• 5:47Jay Shetty?

  No, it was, it was a mixture of a few things.

• 5:50Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 5:51Jay Shetty?

  My dad was trying to get me to read. Now, I'd never read a book until I was 14. And so my dad started giving me autobiographies and biographies. And those are the books I started reading. So I read like David Beckham's autobiography, and I read The Rock's autobiography.

• 6:04Ashley Graham?

  Interesting people.

• 6:05Jay Shetty?

  I was massively into soccer and massively into wrestling. So both of those were huge for me.

• 6:08Ashley Graham?

  Um, you said soccer and not football?

• 6:10Jay Shetty?

  I did. I want to call it real football.

• 6:12Ashley Graham?

  Right, you can.

• 6:13Jay Shetty?

  I went to watch LAFC last night, so I'm trying to, you know. But it was that feeling of, my father was trying to help me grow and... Think and be more thoughtful and introduce me to wisdom. And at the same time, I was just going through experiences where I lost a couple of friends. You know, one of my friends died in a car accident.

• 6:30Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 6:30Jay Shetty?

  And one of my friends died through gang violence. And like both of those scenarios like made me start to question like, wait a minute, like they were good people, right? They were like beautiful, loving, kind, sweet people. But they just went in a moment and and that really got me that year. Like I was around sixteen years old when that happened.

• 6:48Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 6:48Jay Shetty?

  And that really hit me. And I was just like, what is the meaning of life? Like, where am I going? Like, am I using my time wisely? You never saw that coming. And I think when you lose someone that's close to you, whoever that may be.

• 7:00Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 7:00Jay Shetty?

  I think it makes you question what you do with your own time.

• 7:03Ashley Graham?

  Right. And that's what happened to you.

• 7:05Jay Shetty?

  And that's what happened to me. And that's what kind of started that journey. A couple of years later, I was invited to an event by my friend. And so this monk was invited to speak and I didn't even want to go. And I literally said to my friend, I said, I'll only go if we go to a bar afterwards. Like, that's the only way I'm coming out. The reason why I'm sharing all of this is I want people to realize how opposite this was of me.

• 7:26Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 7:27Jay Shetty?

  Because it's not like I grew up as a spiritual kid or a religious kid.

• 7:30Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 7:30Jay Shetty?

  A kid that was, I was totally the opposite. And then I go to this event because my friends say, yes, we'll go to the bar afterwards. And I'm completely flawed and speechless because everything this monk is saying is completely cutting through to my heart.

• 7:45Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 7:45Jay Shetty?

  And he's talking about like selflessness and he's talking about service and he's talking about living a life that is worth of sacrifice for other people. And I'm thinking, why is this appealing to this eighteen year old guy? But it is like all of it's appealing to me. I end up spending time with him afterwards, you know, like you network. So I went to network with a monk and and I pushed.

• 8:03Ashley Graham?

  Hey, you got a card?

• 8:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. Like, can I get you a drink? And then and then and I go up to him and I say, you know, everything you just said, like, really connected with me. It really felt powerful to me. And I said, I'd love to experience more of this. And so he said, well, why don't you come and join me this week? I'm I'm traveling in London and England. So why don't you just come and hear me this week, speak and get to know me better. And I did. And then that led to me actually going to live with him in India. So I spent all of my. Summer holidays, we don't say vacation, summer holidays. From eighteen to twenty-two, while I was at university, every break I got, half of it I spent interning at financial companies in London.

• 8:40Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 8:41Jay Shetty?

  And so I'd be in bars, steak houses in suits. And then I'd spend the other half of my summers living as a monk in India. Dressing in robes, meditating, sleeping on the floor. And then when I graduated, I decided to do it for real.

• 8:52Ashley Graham?

  And you went into monastery for three years?

• 8:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, three years. Yeah, that's right.

• 8:56Ashley Graham?

  What were you doing in the monastery exactly?

• 8:58Jay Shetty?

  So we would wake up at four AM every day. And half of our day was dedicated to self or silence, and the other half was service.

• 9:06Ashley Graham?

  Self or silence?

• 9:07Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so you'd spend half the day working on yourself. So that means self-study, self-meditation, silence, uh, group meditations, prayer, the type of things you expect monks to do.

• 9:17Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 9:18Jay Shetty?

  And that's like half of your day.

• 9:19Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 9:19Jay Shetty?

  But then the other half is totally about service. So we would be building schools, we'd be feeding homeless children, we'd be uh, trying to develop sustainable villages and food distribution programs that were helping and serving tons of people in India.

• 9:34Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 9:34Jay Shetty?

  And so I chose this path because it was this perfect balance between self and service.

• 9:38Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 9:38Jay Shetty?

  And the way it was taught to us is that everything you do in the part of the self day, you then go and give it away in the service and you learn more and then you come back and do more self-realization and then service.

• 9:49Ashley Graham?

  It's like a cycle.

• 9:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. Three years in, I had pushed my body to extreme limits.

• 9:54Ashley Graham?

  Like fasting?

• 9:55Jay Shetty?

  Fasting and I'd sleep very little because I wanted to see the power of meditation. I had this side of me that wanted to make what I was learning even more relevant, even more accessible, even more practical. And this is all in hindsight. I didn't know this then.

• 10:07Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 10:08Jay Shetty?

  And my teacher said to me that he felt it would be better if I left so I could share what I'd learned.

• 10:13Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 10:14Jay Shetty?

  And

• 10:14Ashley Graham?

  So he wasn't kicking you out?

• 10:16Jay Shetty?

  Well, it felt like that, like, because at that time I didn't have this hindsight of, oh yeah, maybe I was in the wrong place or maybe I had done my time. At that time I was like, I wanna do this and I'm pushing. And literally he comes out and he's just like, you know, it's not you, it's me. It's like, it feels like one of these awkward breakup conversations. And I'm thinking, I just gave up everything. Like, I broke up with my girlfriend, I left, you know, all my jobs, I turned down my jobs, I left my family. Like, I gave up everything to do this. But then it was like this revelation, both internally and from him, where I was like, maybe this isn't right for me for life.

• 10:45Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 10:46Jay Shetty?

  And that probably is one of the hardest things to ever have to go through. If you've made a plan and a vision in your mind of how you want your life to look like, and then it feels like it's just been Taken away and mine was to be a monk, which sounds like the weirdest thing. But if someone takes that away from you, it hurts.

• 11:01Ashley Graham?

  Well, that's an interesting statement because it's like you felt a calling to be a monk. But then your teacher said, oh no, I think that there's been a different calling for you. What's the difference for you between a calling and a desire? Because it sounds like you had both.

• 11:18Jay Shetty?

  Oh, I like that. Yeah, that's a great question. That's a great question. A desire is something that you push and a calling is something that pulls you. Right? That's the difference. And you're right. I think you're spot on. I think it was both. I don't think I was naturally meant to be a monk. I was someone who was trying to rediscover myself and work through so much of my teenage years.

• 11:39Ashley Graham?

  It was for a moment.

• 11:40Jay Shetty?

  For me, it was a transformation. It was like going to school. But at the same time, it turned into a calling because I got so fascinated by serving and I got so fascinated by wanting to make an impact. And I got so fascinated by wanting my life to mean more than just being successful or just being material. And I think that's what I got introduced to.

• 11:59Ashley Graham?

  My belief is that like you have to do the work in order to get to where you are or where you wanna be. And there's so much like empty prayer or empty meditation that goes into so much of people's desires or wants or callings. And I think that sometimes we just have to either be still and wait for that moment to pull us or be proactive in what it is that you truly wanna do. Because you were being proactive in going and talking to that monk.

• 12:28Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 12:29Ashley Graham?

  You were being proactive in spending your summers with him. But then it was a pulling that took you to actually go live in the monastery. So it's like, it does take both to get to where you wanna be.

• 12:42Jay Shetty?

  I couldn't agree with you more. I did a podcast a few months ago and it's called The Myths of Manifesting. And I think that's really one of the myths that we have, that we just believe that just thinking and just willing and just meditating or just praying and suddenly someone's gonna sprinkle some fairy dust and poof, yeah, like the genie's gonna turn up. And you know, you now are that person. I think the challenge is that we have to get the balance right. And it can't be about the result. I think wanting and desire is always about the result. A calling is about the process. Calling is something you're excited to wake up and do every day. When you have a desire, it's just like, oh yeah, I wanna be on the top of that list. Or I wanna be at the top of that.

• 13:21Ashley Graham?

  Yeah, because we have desires in our careers.

• 13:23Jay Shetty?

  Hundred percent.

• 13:23Ashley Graham?

  But we also have a calling to be where we are today.

• 13:25Jay Shetty?

  It's the balance. It's both together. Right? You want to do the prayer and the meditation and the manifesting. But then you want to go and follow that up and do the work and go do the meetings and the strategy. You have to embrace polarities. And what I mean by that is, people are like, do I need to be sincere? Or do I need to be strategic? I'm like, you need to be both. Sincerity and strategy together is a lethal combination. Whereas if you're just sincere, then you're not practical. And if you're just strategic, then you're not intentional. And you don't wanna be lost by either of those. You wanna have both.

• 13:55Ashley Graham?

  There you go. Faith is important to you and you talk about it a lot. But I wanna know what faith is for you. Because for me, faith is very important. Faith is something that grounds me. It's the center of who I am. It's my calling. It's my desire. It's all of those things. But what is faith to you?

• 14:11Jay Shetty?

  Faith to me, like the two polarities, is the day to day practices and the map. So it's the thing that's guiding every decision.

• 14:21Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 14:21Jay Shetty?

  It's the thing that's guiding every direction that I move in. It's the thing that guides who I wanna be friends with, who I want to connect with, the type of work I want to do. But then it's also what I do daily. And to me, that's what's so beautiful about faith, that it can be practical and simple. But then it can be philosophical and spiritual.

• 14:38Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 14:38Jay Shetty?

  And so to me, faith is both. Because if I'm not practicing on a daily basis, how can it last?

• 14:43Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 14:43Jay Shetty?

  And if it's not the governing thing behind all my decisions, then how is it true? Like, how is it real?

• 14:49Ashley Graham?

  And how is it your moral compass also?

• 14:50Jay Shetty?

  Exactly, yeah. So for me, it's both of those things at all times. And so it's everything I do in the morning. So my meditation practices, my prayer, the way I communicate, how I speak to my wife. Like, I think all of those things, how I speak to anyone.

• 15:03Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 15:03Jay Shetty?

  I think all of those things are my faith. And at the same time, it's like, do I, am I doing this out of love? Am I doing this out of service? Am I taking this decision just because it pays the bills? And just because it makes money? Or am I doing this just because I think it'll be cool? It's the same as, it's so funny you asked me this question. Because I was speaking to someone about you just before coming on the show today.

• 15:22Ashley Graham?

  Really?

• 15:23Jay Shetty?

  Yes. I was saying, one of the things I love about Ashley and why I think we get along so well and we find it so easy to connect is because we're both. Have such deep faith.

• 15:31Ashley Graham?

  Yes.

• 15:32Jay Shetty?

  And I said, I always find it easier when you meet someone who has their faith. And it may be different, but they're open.

• 15:37Ashley Graham?

  Yep.

• 15:37Jay Shetty?

  And then you just connect. And that's how I feel with you, that when we first started talking and meeting, I felt it straight away.

• 15:43Ashley Graham?

  The people who are really rooted in their faith, and that comes before anything else, I always connect.

• 15:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 15:50Ashley Graham?

  It's a big deal.

• 15:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, my wife felt that with you too. Even though we were dancing to Bruno Mars.

• 15:54Ashley Graham?

  I know, we were like, yeah, it was so. So then you left the monastery and you met Arianna Huffington. I mean, she kind of gave you a platform.

• 16:05Jay Shetty?

  Well, yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't that quick. So I left and went back to London.

• 16:09Ashley Graham?

  There was some work.

• 16:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, moved in back with my parents and I had my big debt to pay off. So I had my university debt, which is nowhere near as bad as US debt.

• 16:18Ashley Graham?

  Oh, it's ridiculous.

• 16:19Jay Shetty?

  It's so bad here, I can't believe it. So I had twenty five thousand dollars. So I come back and I was trying to figure out what to do. And then fast forward three years, I started making videos.

• 16:30Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 16:30Jay Shetty?

  After I came back. So the videos were far after, but I'd been speaking about these things, studying, teaching, sharing since I was eighteen, since I was introduced to it. But then I really felt this, I was talking to companies, I was talking inside events at corporations and I was working one to one and coaching lots of people. And that all naturally evolved, but I was thinking, how does this reach every person in the world? Like, how do we get these messages to reach everyone at no cost for absolutely free to make it really accessible? And I thought, video, I don't know if this is true or whether it was a meme, but I remember seeing something that said, more people in the world own a smartphone than a toothbrush. And I thought two things, I thought, I need to make stuff that people can watch on smartphones. And then I thought, we need to figure out how everyone can get toothbrushes. So.

• 17:13Ashley Graham?

  That's the craziest.

• 17:14Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it was crazy. I remember seeing it, so I don't know if it's true or not, we can check it out. And that triggered a thought in me. I was just like, wow, that means there's kids out there who have smartphones, they don't have toothbrushes, which means they can access wisdom and insight and

• 17:25Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 17:25Jay Shetty?

  all of this stuff that I've been learning. So how do we share it with them? So I started making these videos. And before that, I went and pitched my video idea to around forty media companies in London and they all rejected me.

• 17:37Ashley Graham?

  What?

• 17:37Jay Shetty?

  Each and every, and this was before I made a video, I pitched them. My idea for a mindfulness based video series. So they were like, Jay, you have no communication experience, you have no video experience. You have no hosting experience. I had no official training in this space. And so they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But they were right. Because I hadn't yet demonstrated that I could do what I was asking them to invest in.

• 17:58Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 17:58Jay Shetty?

  And so then I started making my videos and my global HR leader. At Accenture, because I was working at Accenture at the time, a big corporate company.

• 18:06Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 18:07Jay Shetty?

  She showed Arianna Huffington my videos at Davos. And the next thing that happened is I got a call from Arianna Huffington's team. And they were just like, we love your videos. We want to meet you in London. I met them and I said, look, I'd love to see what we can do with this. I then sent email every day for thirty days, saying, Danny, we met in London. You promised me that you love my videos and Arianna loved them. We've got to do something with them. They're not just going to sit around and get out to people and help people.

• 18:31Ashley Graham?

  That's dedication.

• 18:32Jay Shetty?

  And I wasn't charging anything. Like, I made no money from this whatsoever. It was me. Wanting to share a message and hoping that that message would resonate with people. A month later. Danny replies to me and says, yes, fine, we do want to get these videos out. And now in hindsight, I realize it's because they were going off and trying to build Thrive. So they were busy with that move.

• 18:50Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 18:50Jay Shetty?

  At the same time as trying to do this. And so Danny makes this happen. I speak to Arianna on the phone. She's like, Jay, we really love your content. We are going to share it. We want to make this happen. And then they share these videos and we shared four videos and those four videos collectively did. Tens of millions of views.

• 19:05Ashley Graham?

  Viral.

• 19:05Jay Shetty?

  The first video did a million in a week. The second video did a million in twenty four hours and did like thirty million overall. And they were putting all of this on the HuffPost site.

• 19:14Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 19:15Jay Shetty?

  And this was mid twenty sixteen. So it's three and a half years ago. And literally just, it was amazing just that overnight.

• 19:21Ashley Graham?

  All because of social media.

• 19:23Jay Shetty?

  All because of social media. And, and like I always said, I didn't get paid a penny for any of those. That wasn't the point. The point was always, can this message reach people?

• 19:31Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 19:31Jay Shetty?

  Like, and they gave me a platform. And so I'm so grateful to Arianna and Danny. And Kara, who was on the team at the time, and Dan, like that whole group of people that I'm still friends with today. That were just so committed to the message and believed in it. I didn't have a platform at that time. I didn't have a brand. I didn't have anything. And they believed in it. So really, it's all credit to them.

• 19:50Ashley Graham?

  But now you have to use social media, which is like a dark place sometimes.

• 19:54Jay Shetty?

  Hmm.

• 19:55Ashley Graham?

  How do you handle it?

• 19:57Jay Shetty?

  I just really have had to build up rules around my social media use.

• 20:01Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 20:02Jay Shetty?

  So my rule is never look at the phone first thing in the morning.

• 20:05Ashley Graham?

  Oh, my gosh, I am really trying.

• 20:07Jay Shetty?

  This is my biggest one. I think if we did this, we would conquer our lives.

• 20:12Ashley Graham?

  I have now not looked at Instagram first thing in the morning. I just look at like texts, the email. Okay, we're good.

• 20:18Jay Shetty?

  I That's good.

• 20:19Ashley Graham?

  Yep.

• 20:20Jay Shetty?

  That's huge.

• 20:20Ashley Graham?

  It is for me.

• 20:22Jay Shetty?

  That's huge. At one point, I actually used to put my phone and my laptop locked in my car downstairs.

• 20:27Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 20:27Jay Shetty?

  Because that was the only way I could truly convince myself not to look at my phone. And I think we have to go to that extent sometimes or that extremity to really push ourselves out of it. So I don't look at my phone until I go down to the gym, which is two hours after I meditate and wake up and everything. So I try and avoid looking at my phone for those first two hours. And I find what that does is it gives your mind time to warm up. You don't start your mind on someone else's reactive schedule.

• 20:50Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 20:51Jay Shetty?

  When you wake up and you look at that email, you look at that notification, you're now thinking about everything everyone wants you to do. Not what you want to do, right? You're not thinking about who you want to be or what you want to achieve. You're thinking about, oh, Mary wants me to get that right. You know, Julie wants me to do that, right? Like, whatever it is, like, you start thinking about everyone else's schedule. And then the third thing that happens is, and I've said this before, but I think it's really powerful when you think about it. I think about this in the morning, it really stops me. None of us, and I mean literally none of us, would let a hundred people walk into our bedroom first thing in the morning.

• 21:22Ashley Graham?

  That's true.

• 21:23Jay Shetty?

  Ever, before doing your hair, before maybe your makeup, getting clothes on, having a shower. You would never do that. But we let a hundred notifications enter our mind. That's literally trying to shake our consciousness awake, right? It's like really trying to wake your mind up. You're expecting your mind going from zero to sixty miles per hour in five seconds when you open up Instagram or WhatsApp or emails. And it's so much pressure on our minds. That's really all it is. It's pressure and stress for your mind to have to wake up and warm up way quicker than our bodies do. So that's been a huge one for me, that rule.

• 21:56Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 21:56Jay Shetty?

  The other rule I love, which I fail at all the time, but I'm trying, is no technology zones in your home and no technology times. So I believe that the bedroom and the dining table should be technology free because it's more fun to sleep and eat with people.

• 22:11Ashley Graham?

  Yep.

• 22:11Jay Shetty?

  So we shouldn't, we should take them out of those two places in the home. Everywhere else you can use them, places in your home.

• 22:16Ashley Graham?

  Yes.

• 22:17Jay Shetty?

  Where you can have human connection, human touch.

• 22:19Ashley Graham?

  In the bed.

• 22:19Jay Shetty?

  Just take it away from those areas. And I think you almost have to imagine when you're walking around your home, you almost have to imagine like a red line around the dining table and a red line around the bedroom, like almost like a laser. Like imagine if you cross over, it's gonna like electrocute you or something. Maybe we should do that for some time, you know, that could stop you. But yeah, so that's it. Setting up rules around technology for me has been huge. Making sure that when I get back in the evening, you're not using technology past seven PM, eight PM, whatever that rule is for you. And yes, you're gonna break it. Of course. And yes, you're not gonna be perfect. But the point is, at least if you have the rule, you're working towards something. Right. That's really worked wonders for me. That's good. Definitely. At least if it's four out of seven days a week, like that's good enough. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a

• 23:04Jay Shetty?

  business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need

• 23:47Jay Shetty?

  to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 24:25Ashley Graham?

  You're so good with your words and you're such a great listener, but who is your rock? Who's the person that's listening to you and you're able to bounce everything off of?

• 24:37Jay Shetty?

  My wife. My wife is definitely my rock. Like, she's amazing. She's more a monk than I'll ever be because she naturally has these like sage-like qualities. Like, so waking up for her is like a piece of cake. My wife wakes up at 5:00 AM every day and can meditate.

• 24:50Ashley Graham?

  5:00 AM?

• 24:51Jay Shetty?

  5:00 AM. And spiritual qualities too. She just has that. So for me, I find my wife's amazing. She's always good at making sure that I'm doing things for the right reason. She's always good at checking me. She's always good at, you know, humbling me, grounding me, but in a good way, not in a critical way, but in a, Jay, I know you can be better than this.

• 25:08Ashley Graham?

  That's amazing.

• 25:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so I really have that with her.

• 25:11Ashley Graham?

  You know, you need a cheerleader.

• 25:13Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 25:13Ashley Graham?

  I think it's very important.

• 25:14Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 25:15Ashley Graham?

  And I think that, again, on social media, there's like always these ideas of like fairy tale relationships, right? And expectations. And people aren't talking about what they need. And I know that you have to talk about relationships a lot on your social media. Like, people really wanna know about relationships.

• 25:32Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 25:33Ashley Graham?

  This is something that's kind of plaguing people.

• 25:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 25:35Ashley Graham?

  I kind of wanna get into it a little bit.

• 25:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 25:38Ashley Graham?

  Because I feel like, even though you may not be the expert, you kind of have to be an expert because of all of like your followers and all their questions about it.

• 25:47Jay Shetty?

  Well, I think this is fun because I know you have a wonderful relationship too.

• 25:50Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 25:50Jay Shetty?

  So my thing has never been to be an expert. What I think is, it's fun to unpack the journey when you're on it.

• 25:57Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 25:58Jay Shetty?

  Like, I almost think like you never get to the end of the journey. So how do you ever become an expert? Because it's almost like if you're an expert, then that's like you saying, I've nailed this.

• 26:05Ashley Graham?

  No.

• 26:06Jay Shetty?

  But it's, it's, you can never like-

• 26:07Ashley Graham?

  You can't be an expert.

• 26:08Jay Shetty?

  You can't be an expert in something like relationships because your relationship's always evolving. Like, for example, you're having a baby now.

• 26:14Ashley Graham?

  Yes.

• 26:14Jay Shetty?

  That's gonna evolve your relationship.

• 26:16Ashley Graham?

  And things have changed. I've never been more in love with Justin than right now.

• 26:18Jay Shetty?

  I love hearing that.

• 26:19Ashley Graham?

  Yes. Like, it's just something about growing life with him is, oh my gosh, it like makes my heart melt. But then when the baby comes, they all say, everybody says like-

• 26:29Jay Shetty?

  And we don't have to sign up for that, everybody.

• 26:31Ashley Graham?

  I know. And that's the other thing. You don't have to listen to what everybody says. I have blocked out so many things that people are like, you know what's gonna happen. It's gonna be like this. And I'm like, does it have to be like that?

• 26:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it doesn't.

• 26:45Ashley Graham?

  No.

• 26:46Jay Shetty?

  There are certain trends and patterns that we can be wary of.

• 26:49Ashley Graham?

  Of course.

• 26:49Jay Shetty?

  And people see that. They're like, okay, when you get married, this happens. When you have kids, this.

• 26:52Ashley Graham?

  Of course, of course.

• 26:53Jay Shetty?

  But I think if you let that define your whole experience, that's the biggest mistake you can make. And so for me, all I'm trying to share is the journey and the process of figuring it out. That's all I'm trying to share. And when I, she was the first guest on my podcast that I interviewed. And the whole conversation was, here's all the mistakes we made in our first three years of marriage. Like, this is what we got wrong.

• 27:12Ashley Graham?

  Oh, wow. You went in.

• 27:14Jay Shetty?

  That's what we talked about because I wanted people to hear how much stuff we've worked through.

• 27:19Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 27:19Jay Shetty?

  Because that's the fun of it. Because when you can have fun working through stuff and people are hearing that.

• 27:23Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 27:24Jay Shetty?

  They're like, oh, my relationship's not so different now.

• 27:26Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 27:26Jay Shetty?

  Because if all I'm seeing is the selfies and the happiness and all that kind of stuff. So, so for me, that's, that's where my expertise is. My expertise is, how do I share while I'm going through it? And share with you just the experience I have. So like, I'm not giving advice to couples who have kids.

• 27:40Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 27:41Jay Shetty?

  Because I've not been through that. I don't know what that feels like. When I go through it, I'll figure it out and I'll share some. So.

• 27:46Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 27:46Jay Shetty?

  I'm sharing pre-marriage, getting married, the early years of marriage, what I'm learning from that.

• 27:51Ashley Graham?

  Which also is a really hard part of the marriage.

• 27:53Jay Shetty?

  I think so.

• 27:54Ashley Graham?

  It is. Our first year was quite, um, interesting to say the least. I mean, it was just like, we waited till we were married to have sex. We hadn't lived together. My career was really kind of started taking off and he went to grad school and it was like, finding this balance of like, who we are in so many different aspects, but like knowing that divorce is not an option. So it's like, we have to focus and work on this.

• 28:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 28:18Ashley Graham?

  And nobody, they tell you, oh, marriage is work, marriage is work. But nobody can explain it to you because every marriage is so different.

• 28:25Jay Shetty?

  Yep.

• 28:25Ashley Graham?

  So it's good to hear that other people are explaining their first three years of marriage.

• 28:31Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 28:32Ashley Graham?

  And the struggles that they'd been through.

• 28:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 28:33Ashley Graham?

  Something we did do on our honeymoon, actually, was read the Five Love Languages. Have you read that?

• 28:39Jay Shetty?

  Loved that book. I, I like, I made videos on that book.

• 28:42Ashley Graham?

  Oh, you did?

• 28:43Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, there's like, I've made like three videos on that book and I, I think Gary Chapman's a genius.

• 28:47Ashley Graham?

  What are your love languages?

• 28:48Jay Shetty?

  I believe your love languages are based a lot about how your parents loved you.

• 28:53Ashley Graham?

  Oh, interesting.

• 28:53Jay Shetty?

  So, so my love language.

• 28:55Ashley Graham?

  Like, you want what your parents didn't give you? Or you still want what they gave you?

• 28:59Jay Shetty?

  Both.

• 28:59Ashley Graham?

  Depending on how good or bad they're.

• 29:00Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 29:01Ashley Graham?

  Got it.

• 29:01Jay Shetty?

  So mine was, and this is how I traced it back. I love my mom, she's amazing. And when my mom was raising me, she sometimes couldn't spend a lot of time with me because she was working too.

• 29:10Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 29:11Jay Shetty?

  But I knew that on my birthday, she would always get me the gift that I wanted.

• 29:14Ashley Graham?

  Oh.

• 29:15Jay Shetty?

  She would always get it, no matter what it was. And we didn't grow up with a lot, but she would save up, make sure that I had it, and she would find it and she'd get it for me. And it would just be one thing, but it would always be the one thing I most wanted. So like one year was like Power Rangers or something like that. And I realized that I associated love with gifts.

• 29:30Ashley Graham?

  Oh, so was that your number one?

• 29:32Jay Shetty?

  That was my number one love language was gifts.

• 29:34Ashley Graham?

  Giving and getting?

• 29:35Jay Shetty?

  Yes, so I love giving people grand gestures.

• 29:38Ashley Graham?

  Mm hmm.

• 29:38Jay Shetty?

  And I love receiving grand gestures, but my wife, her number one love language is quality time.

• 29:44Ashley Graham?

  Oh.

• 29:44Jay Shetty?

  Because her family on their birthdays and stuff would just.

• 29:47Ashley Graham?

  Time spent.

• 29:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, they wouldn't go out to work that day. Her dad would stay home, they would plan an activity or whatever, something like that.

• 29:52Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 29:52Jay Shetty?

  And so they'd spend time together. So when we met, I was like, where's my gift? Like, where is it? Like, do you not love me? And I would be giving her these grand gestures and gifts on her birthday. And she'd be like, I just want to spend time with you. And, and.

• 30:04Ashley Graham?

  Okay, I want you to break mine down.

• 30:06Jay Shetty?

  Go on.

• 30:06Ashley Graham?

  I'm acts of service.

• 30:07Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 30:08Ashley Graham?

  What does it mean?

• 30:09Jay Shetty?

  That, do you like giving or receiving?

• 30:11Ashley Graham?

  I like getting acts of service. Like, if you want to love me.

• 30:14Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 30:14Ashley Graham?

  Acts of service.

• 30:15Jay Shetty?

  Well, that's the hardest one.

• 30:16Ashley Graham?

  Right?

• 30:17Jay Shetty?

  That is the hardest. Yours is amazing, that is the hardest one.

• 30:20Ashley Graham?

  He is a talented man.

• 30:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that is amazing.

• 30:22Ashley Graham?

  I mean, it's like, you vacuums, make the bed, do the thing that I asked you one time and it's done.

• 30:28Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that is impressive.

• 30:30Ashley Graham?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:31Jay Shetty?

  Acts of service is one of the hardest ones.

• 30:32Ashley Graham?

  It is, oh, so I'm hard to love?

• 30:34Jay Shetty?

  No, you're not.

• 30:35Ashley Graham?

  Just kidding, I'm just kidding.

• 30:36Jay Shetty?

  No, no, so that's me projecting my bias of how scary I found that of you. That's me going, oh my God, I'm so glad that I, I could never do that, I could never live up to that. Uh, but no, that's beautiful. And, and that's what I mean, that you are with a partner.

• 30:50Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 30:50Jay Shetty?

  Who understands that, loves that, is able to give that, and, and that's great.

• 30:53Ashley Graham?

  Love languages are very important in relationships. And Justin's is time spent and physical touch.

• 30:59Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 30:59Ashley Graham?

  Those are his tops. So I just know.

• 31:01Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 31:02Ashley Graham?

  That like, I know what he. Needs and he knows what I need. And I think that anybody who feels like they're not connecting with their partner should read that book.

• 31:10Jay Shetty?

  Hundred percent. I love that book. I recommend it to everyone. And I think the biggest thing we should all notice is until you read that book and until you figure out love languages, you are speaking different languages.

• 31:19Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 31:20Jay Shetty?

  And so it's like literally speaking to your partner in a language they don't understand.

• 31:23Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 31:24Jay Shetty?

  And so you could be doing everything, like for example, for you, you know, Justin could be buying you like the best gifts in the world and take you on fancy holidays and all this kind of stuff. But he's not doing acts of service and you're gonna be like, well, now what?

• 31:34Ashley Graham?

  Doesn't he love me?

• 31:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. And he, and he does, like, you may be with someone, anyone who's listening and watching this right now. You may have someone who loves you deeply. You've just never articulated what your love language is.

• 31:46Ashley Graham?

  You have to speak up.

• 31:47Jay Shetty?

  You have to share it. You can't, no one can read in between the lines. You can't expect that person to figure it out by looking at you. You need to tell them, this is how I feel most loved, right? This is what I need to feel loved. And I see so many couples that get scared about saying this or doing this, or they're, it's like hard for your ego because being able to have enough vulnerability and openness to say to your wife, I need you to tell me I've got this. Right? Like words of affirmation, that I need words of affirmations. And you know, the ego goes, oh no, I don't really need that for my wife. But you have to share it. If you don't tell them that, how are they gonna know? You gotta put your ego aside and be really open and honest.

• 32:24Ashley Graham?

  Everything you talk about on social media and through your videos is so emotional based and there's just a lot of like that inner work, especially like with relationships. But what about the physical aspect of it, like physical, like the intimacy and all of that? Do you ever touch on any of that?

• 32:42Jay Shetty?

  Ah, let me think. I've definitely talked about it from an abuse point of view.

• 32:46Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 32:46Jay Shetty?

  You're, you're talking about from a.

• 32:47Ashley Graham?

  Well, like when you're married, sex is important.

• 32:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, right.

• 32:50Ashley Graham?

  And I think that for me, my understanding is like, you have to have the emotional. First, before the sex can stay consistent.

• 33:00Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 33:00Ashley Graham?

  And and great.

• 33:01Jay Shetty?

  It's so much easier to talk about that or go into that. And that's why I focus so much on my content on the other side.

• 33:07Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 33:07Jay Shetty?

  And my content is so heavily focused on the compatibility, on the healing, on the deep work. Because I'm like, if people get this right, they're gonna have amazing relationships. You're gonna have amazing physical, like, everything's gonna be great. But when you look at all these magazine covers and you'll always see like, you know, the seven things she wants in bed and the three things. And it's always those things. And that's what I love about what I've been able to do with video is that we've shifted the conversation. The video's getting millions and millions and millions of views, but we're talking about stuff that actually is gonna make a difference.

• 33:36Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 33:36Jay Shetty?

  Whereas you telling someone like, these are the three things she wants in bed, like, that's not gonna change your relationship if you aren't compatible, if you don't connect, if you don't speak the right love languages, if you're not empathetic, if you're not vulnerable. Like, then that three list of this and seven list of that isn't gonna do anything.

• 33:50Ashley Graham?

  It's void.

• 33:51Jay Shetty?

  And and that's where I'm trying to get to with people because I don't want people to use sex as a substitute for that. And I don't want people to use sex as an excuse for that. And I don't want people to use sex as a cover up for not having any of that. Because I know, having been in tons of relationships where it was just physical and that's all there was, that's the only time it felt good. It didn't feel good at any other time. I didn't go home with a beautiful feeling in my heart. And then when it's only about that, that's also when it can be easily replaced.

• 34:18Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 34:18Jay Shetty?

  Because that's easily changeable.

• 34:20Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 34:20Jay Shetty?

  And that's why I think so many people go through and I talk about in my videos so much about cheating and loyalty, because when it is just physical, it becomes so much more easier to just disconnect and throw it away.

• 34:30Ashley Graham?

  Things happen.

• 34:31Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:32Ashley Graham?

  And now heartbreak.

• 34:33Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 34:33Ashley Graham?

  What's your advice on heartbreak? I know you have, you have a video up. It's like the five things people should do through heartbreak. And one of them is like, get rid of everything from the past and only focus on the present and the future.

• 34:46Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 34:47Ashley Graham?

  That's hard for people.

• 34:48Jay Shetty?

  I like getting rid of visual triggers. I think the challenge in a lot of our lives is that we're surrounded by the same sounds, the same sights.

• 34:57Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 34:57Jay Shetty?

  And the same people that we were in our past. And I see this with anything, and I'm sure you felt this. When you went deeper into your faith, did your circles change?

• 35:06Ashley Graham?

  Hundred percent.

• 35:06Jay Shetty?

  Right. When you went deeper into your faith, did what you look at change?

• 35:10Ashley Graham?

  Hundred percent.

• 35:11Jay Shetty?

  Right. So you look at.

• 35:12Ashley Graham?

  My heart changed.

• 35:13Jay Shetty?

  Your heart changed, but internal and external.

• 35:15Ashley Graham?

  Yes, because for me, when I transformed in my faith, it was a transformation of my heart.

• 35:19Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 35:20Ashley Graham?

  Not about what I was actually doing or not doing.

• 35:22Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And that's what I feel for anyone, anyone that I've witnessed and observed go through transformation in their life. Their environments have changed. And so for me, a lot of us are making it harder for yourself. It's like saying, I want to start working out every day, but I don't own any trainers, right? It's like, that's not gonna work. It's like doing the opposite, like, I want to go on a diet, but I'm gonna keep chocolate cake in my refrigerator.

• 35:45Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 35:45Jay Shetty?

  Right, like, it's, it's that. So you're saying.

• 35:47Ashley Graham?

  So you're enabling yourself.

• 35:48Jay Shetty?

  I want to get over the past.

• 35:49Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 35:49Jay Shetty?

  But I'm gonna keep my ex's sweater right next to me, and I'm gonna keep all these text messages that I can keep reading through again.

• 35:56Ashley Graham?

  Why do people go back and read text messages?

• 35:58Jay Shetty?

  Because.

• 35:59Ashley Graham?

  From someone that broke their heart.

• 36:01Jay Shetty?

  Because nostalgia and imagination is more powerful. Right? The feeling of nostalgia, and this is in studies too, like, the research by nostalgia is, you always think things were better in the past with something like that.

• 36:13Ashley Graham?

  Ooh.

• 36:13Jay Shetty?

  So you read a message, you're like, oh, but they loved me so much. And now all you're doing is, reality's here, and you've got your own version of reality playing here. So you're basically writing your own movie script up here, when reality's telling you this. And nostalgia is that script.

• 36:28Ashley Graham?

  It's that fantasy that's never gonna become.

• 36:29Jay Shetty?

  It's that fantasy that isn't real. So it's you saying, I don't want to accept what is, and I'm trying to accept what if.

• 36:36Ashley Graham?

  Those people who can't get over that, that hump.

• 36:39Jay Shetty?

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:39Ashley Graham?

  What do you tell them?

• 36:41Jay Shetty?

  One of the biggest things, like.

• 36:42Ashley Graham?

  Do you really want to?

• 36:43Jay Shetty?

  No, no, no, no, no, it's a good, it's a good conversation. I think. One of the biggest things I say to people is just like, let's kind of break their space that they're in. It's almost like that person needs a space change and they they need to get out of that zone. And so for me, I'm always encouraging people to start doing new things. I think it's so powerful when you go and have a new experience.

• 37:03Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 37:04Jay Shetty?

  When you try something new, you join a new class, you've never done it before, because guess what? It's about finding yourself again. So you're now learning new things about yourself. You're now falling in love with yourself.

• 37:14Ashley Graham?

  It's about falling in love with yourself.

• 37:16Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And I think that the biggest mistake we make in that time is everyone's telling you, oh, when's the rebound? Like, are you gonna date this guy? When are you gonna start dating again? Or this girl? When are you gonna be out there again? And it's almost like, well, no, maybe it's about I go inside this time and spend some time with myself.

• 37:29Ashley Graham?

  Yep.

• 37:30Jay Shetty?

  And I think new experiences are a beautiful way of doing that because you only learn new things about yourself when you do new things with yourself. Right?

• 37:39Ashley Graham?

  Woo, preach!

• 37:39Jay Shetty?

  You never, like, we never do new things with ourselves. You're always, you're always doing the same things with the same people, but imagine you start doing new things on your own and now you have new memories. And one of the things I've been talking about a lot with people is forming new memories. If you don't make new memories, the old ones will always hold you back. And that's why we're stuck in the old, because we're not making any new ones. So the new, the old ones just keep pulling you back. So the best way to make new memories is A, set up an experience, do it with a friend that you love. And when you go out there, it's this technique that's often used for grounding and therapy and everything, but I use it for presence and that's how we were trained in it as monks. When you go somewhere and you're like, I wanna take a mental picture of this. How many times have you ever said that? Where you go somewhere, you're like, I wanna

• 38:20Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 38:20Jay Shetty?

  have this in my mind and I wanna keep it forever.

• 38:22Ashley Graham?

  And the iPhone camera is not going to capture it.

• 38:24Jay Shetty?

  And the camera's not gonna do it. It's not gonna keep it emotionally. And I think we're so bad at creating emotional memories that are new. So the best way to do it is called five, four, three, two, one.

• 38:33Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 38:34Jay Shetty?

  So when you're in a space, and let's say I wanna do it of this, I look at five things that I could see. So five things that I can see right now. So I'm gonna say you, obviously, important part of the memory.

• 38:44Ashley Graham?

  You're important too. I'm doing it with you.

• 38:46Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I'm gonna say the rug.

• 38:48Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 38:48Jay Shetty?

  So I'm going for space.

• 38:49Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 38:49Jay Shetty?

  I'm gonna look at the ceiling. So one, two, three, four, I'm gonna say the couch. So there are five things that I can see. The second thing is four things that you can touch.

• 38:58Ashley Graham?

  Okay.

• 38:58Jay Shetty?

  So four things I can touch.

• 39:00Ashley Graham?

  My silky dress, my really dry skin.

• 39:03Jay Shetty?

  You're good at descriptions. Silky dress, dry skin, this is good.

• 39:06Ashley Graham?

  The rough.

• 39:06Jay Shetty?

  Textured rough.

• 39:07Ashley Graham?

  The texture, yes. And, oh, my glass.

• 39:09Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 39:10Ashley Graham?

  My glass water.

• 39:11Jay Shetty?

  Amazing. Three things that you can hear.

• 39:15Ashley Graham?

  I can hear the light.

• 39:16Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 39:17Ashley Graham?

  I can hear myself swallow and I can hear your voice.

• 39:19Jay Shetty?

  Perfect. And then two things that you can smell.

• 39:23Ashley Graham?

  I can smell my garlic breath.

• 39:27Ashley Graham?

  Um, I'm having a hard time smelling basically anything because you can hear how clogged I am.

• 39:32Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, me too.

• 39:33Ashley Graham?

  But maybe my perfume.

• 39:34Jay Shetty?

  Okay, great. And then one thing.

• 39:36Ashley Graham?

  It's all about me.

• 39:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, that's good. And then one thing you can taste.

• 39:39Ashley Graham?

  Garlic.

• 39:39Jay Shetty?

  Great. So, so if you did that in an experience, then all you have to do to, to make a mental picture, take a mental picture of everything is do five, four, three, two, one. Five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

• 39:58Ashley Graham?

  I really like that.

• 39:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's beautiful. And this is what I mean by when you're going through a breakup, the biggest mistake you make is the old memories hold you back because you don't know how to make new memories. And so my, my advice to everyone is go and make new memories.

• 40:09Ashley Graham?

  Okay, so I did Tony Robbins, right? And it was the lightning, it was fun. And the biggest thing that I came away with was I don't live in the present. I'm constantly living for the what's next.

• 40:20Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 40:20Ashley Graham?

  Here we go. You know, okay, team, it's time to hustle. And he said, what are you grateful for? And I mean, I could sit there and say, I'm grateful for my health. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful, you know, like I could list a few things. But he said, what are you grateful for in your career? And it's like, I had to really go deep. And I think that maybe if I started doing the five, four, three, two, one, I would be able to go back to experiences that I thought my heart remembered, but my mind didn't.

• 40:52Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 40:53Ashley Graham?

  And I am totally implementing five, four, three, two.

• 40:56Jay Shetty?

  And that's exactly what it's so today it's used for a lot of people who struggle with anxiety to bring them back into the moment. When we were trained in as monks, it was what we did for presence, like as Ellie, you said.

• 41:04Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 41:04Jay Shetty?

  And this is why the biggest mistake we make is when you're having an experience, the only sense we activate is the eyes. And that's where when you're trying to think of a past memory, you go, what was it again? Because you have to close your eyes because that was the only one that was activated. Whereas what we've done with five, four, three, two, one is you've now absorbed this memory through all the five senses, which means each one of them is going to give you a different part of the memory.

• 41:26Ashley Graham?

  I like it.

• 41:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 41:27Ashley Graham?

  Wow. All right. Switching gears a little bit. I really feel like insecurities breed negativity, right?

• 41:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 41:34Ashley Graham?

  And a motto that I like to live by is kill people with kindness.

• 41:37Jay Shetty?

  Mm hmm.

• 41:38Ashley Graham?

  What do you think about that phrase?

• 41:40Jay Shetty?

  I love that.

• 41:41Ashley Graham?

  You do?

• 41:41Jay Shetty?

  I agree with you completely. This is the beautiful thing that happens when you say thank you to someone who's kind to you. It does three things. The first thing is you recognize kindness. So now you're triggering your mind to start recognizing kindness. And you're now recognizing kindness in them.

• 41:56Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 41:56Jay Shetty?

  The second thing you do is you reinforce kindness in them. They realize they're like, oh, when I'm kind, people appreciate it.

• 42:02Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 42:02Jay Shetty?

  So I'm going to be more kind. So you've now reinforced kindness within them. And the third thing is you help them repeat it. Now that you've shown them that their kindness is reciprocated, they're now going to be kind to more people. So when you recognize kindness in someone, it reinforces that belief that kindness is amazing. And then they repeat that kindness to other people. So now you've started this domino effect of kindness just by thanking one person.

• 42:26Ashley Graham?

  Who knew?

• 42:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 42:27Ashley Graham?

  It's so interesting to hear you talk about being a monk and like how you spend half the day working on yourself and half of the other day working to give out to others. And what is your take on putting yourself first? And like, is it selfish?

• 42:41Jay Shetty?

  So with with monk teachings, the point is you are taking care of yourself first in order to serve better.

• 42:50Ashley Graham?

  Hmm.

• 42:51Jay Shetty?

  So it's always like, I'm going to put myself first so that I can fill up so that I can serve with more. Because we want to serve with our best selves.

• 42:59Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 42:59Jay Shetty?

  I always say this to people. It's like, people are always like, Jay, should I go to this party? Should I go out to this event? Should I call up this person? Should I do this? Should I do that? And I'm just like, well, if you're going to show up there with that energy,

• 43:09Ashley Graham?

  Don't go.

• 43:09Jay Shetty?

  where you're going to have to convince yourself to go, then guess what? That person's going to feel that.

• 43:13Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 43:13Jay Shetty?

  Because if you want to show up and you're going to show up with your best. So I feel for me, it's not selfish. If the intention is I want to give more and serve more.

• 43:22Ashley Graham?

  That's good.

• 43:23Jay Shetty?

  It's selfish when it's just like, oh, I'm just gonna take care of myself because that's all that matters.

• 43:27Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 43:27Jay Shetty?

  Whereas it's like, no, I'm gonna take care of myself because I wanna give my best self to the people I love.

• 43:31Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 43:31Jay Shetty?

  To the people of the world, to the people I care for, and so I'm gonna keep prioritizing myself. So I went down the wrong journey. When I first started wanting to serve, I used to just think, oh yeah, I'm gonna stay up all night. Someone needs me to drive halfway across the country, I'll do that. And I would do things like that. And I started to realize I was just people pleasing. I wasn't serving. I was actually serving my own ego. That was the most selfish thing.

• 43:53Ashley Graham?

  Interesting.

• 43:53Jay Shetty?

  It was the most selfish thing because it was just people pleasing. But then I realized, actually me saying, look, you know what? I need to get a good night's sleep tonight, but I promise you first thing in the morning, we're gonna talk about this and I'm gonna bring my best self to this conversation. People started to respect that and value that and gave me that space. And so for me, as long as your intention is clear, that you're putting yourself first so you can give more.

• 44:11Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 44:11Jay Shetty?

  That's the best thing you can do because I don't wanna die early because I'm negligent of my health.

• 44:16Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 44:16Jay Shetty?

  Because I mean, you're gonna serve less in the long term. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in nineteen eighty. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are.

• 44:59Jay Shetty?

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• 45:44Jay Shetty?

  and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 45:56Ashley Graham?

  And have you noticed this shift on social media where it feels like we're all kind of competing in the self-care Olympics? What do you feel like that pressure is that for everybody just to like look and feel centered?

• 46:08Jay Shetty?

  I think it's a good thing that people are now starting to realize that fatigue is not a badge of honor. That you're only successful if you feel that way at the end of the day. But I think this is what always happens in the world. Balance only comes when we go from one extreme to the other extreme. So at one point, maybe a few years ago, I don't know how long, people were always like, you have to, you know, grind and hustle and that's the only thing about success and you have to work hard. And if you're not tired, then you're never going to be successful. You're never going to be a millionaire or billionaire, whatever it is. And I think that was the talk. And now the talk's gone the other way. If you're not getting a massage every week and you're not, you know, sleeping eight hours.

• 46:42Ashley Graham?

  And if you're not meditating, you're getting a lymphatic massage.

• 46:45Jay Shetty?

  Exactly. And then it goes to the other extreme. And that's how the world gets back into balance. And we know the answer's the middle, right? We know that you need to feel a bit stretched in order to work on yourself. You need to work on yourself to stretch yourself a little more. And life is never the perfect middle. It's constantly back and forth. And I think that's the mistake. We're looking for middle or we're looking for extreme. And actually it's just back and forth. It's just oscillating. I'm never applying, I'm like, oh, my life is in perfect balance because balance is a myth.

• 47:13Ashley Graham?

  What are three practices for self-care that you live by or that you give as as examples?

• 47:18Jay Shetty?

  One of my favorite ones is what I talk about emotional vocabulary. So Harvard, and you can Google this, has this great table. And it shows how limited our emotional vocabulary is. So what I mean by this is if someone asks you, how's your week been?

• 47:35Ashley Graham?

  Ah, it's alright.

• 47:36Jay Shetty?

  Alright, good, bad, fine, okay, right? How's your week going? Good. How's your day been? Okay. How are you doing tonight? Fine, right? That's literally how we describe our lives.

• 47:47Ashley Graham?

  Sometimes I say so good, just to mix it up.

• 47:50Jay Shetty?

  I love it, good. At least you've got an expansive emotional vocabulary.

• 47:53Ashley Graham?

  So expansive.

• 47:54Jay Shetty?

  So expansive. But our emotional vocabulary is so limited. Now, there's a challenge here. We don't get to understand how we truly feel because we never articulate and express it. So when you say that you're angry, are you offended? Are you irritated? Are you defensive? There's so much more to the word angry than just anger. Or when you say I'm sad, when you say you're sad, are you upset? Are you regretful? Are you triggered? Right, there's just so much more. When you self diagnose and you limit your vocabulary, you're just like, oh, I'm just sad. I'm just angry. And which means that you can't articulate to yourself what you're really dealing with. And you can't articulate to a friend what you're dealing with. So you don't feel understood.

• 48:37Jay Shetty?

  And feeling understood is such an important part of self-care. The feeling that I can articulate what I'm really going through and someone understands me. That's huge for self-care. I think it's one of the most important things of self-care. When you look at someone and you feel, they really get me. Doesn't that, isn't that so good for your confidence and your self-worth and your significance?

• 48:57Ashley Graham?

  Makes you like them, feel loved.

• 48:59Jay Shetty?

  Exactly, all in one moment. So for me, that's one of the best self-care techniques is when I'm struggling with something, let me not settle for the base level emotion. Let me really understand it. And then if you're speaking to a therapist, you're speaking to your doctor, you're speaking to your friend, you can now actually articulate it better. So they can actually help you back.

• 49:16Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 49:17Jay Shetty?

  And you feel understood. The second self-

• 49:18Ashley Graham?

  What else you got?

• 49:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, the second self-care tip that I absolutely love. Is how we talk to ourselves.

• 49:24Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 49:24Jay Shetty?

  And so this to me is probably the biggest one. One thing I was talking about is I looked at the definition of confidence.

• 49:30Ashley Graham?

  Uh huh.

• 49:30Jay Shetty?

  And I've never done this, but I love looking.

• 49:32Ashley Graham?

  I haven't either.

• 49:33Jay Shetty?

  I've never.

• 49:34Ashley Graham?

  And I talk about confidence all the time.

• 49:35Jay Shetty?

  So I try, I look at the definition. And it starts off by talking about self assurance. And you think, okay, yeah, that's what I imagine when confidence. And then it says, and it's the appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities. Which blew my mind. Notice it didn't say receiving appreciation for your qualities.

• 49:55Ashley Graham?

  For yourself.

• 49:56Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, appreciation of one's own abilities and qualities. Not the appreciation of others, not the validation of others, not the approval of others.

• 50:03Ashley Graham?

  But that's why you could say, I have confidence in you.

• 50:05Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 50:06Ashley Graham?

  Or I have confidence in myself.

• 50:07Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 50:08Ashley Graham?

  Right, okay.

• 50:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And so the way we talk to ourselves is all over the place.

• 50:12Ashley Graham?

  It's key.

• 50:13Jay Shetty?

  When you're going out to a party, you dress up and you look at the person and you go, how do I look in this? And I'm like, no, ask yourself, how do I look in this? Like, how do I feel in this? Or when you go to an interview, people say, how would people describe you in three words? It's like, why do we care about how people would describe me? How would I describe myself in three words?

• 50:30Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 50:31Jay Shetty?

  And so for me, the way we talk to ourselves is such a big thing. So I have this mechanism that I love coaching people on and sharing with people. It's called spot, stop, swap.

• 50:39Ashley Graham?

  Spot.

• 50:40Jay Shetty?

  Stop, oh, my British accent, okay.

• 50:42Ashley Graham?

  I want to do it with you.

• 50:43Jay Shetty?

  Spot.

• 50:44Ashley Graham?

  Spot.

• 50:44Jay Shetty?

  A spot of tea.

• 50:45Ashley Graham?

  A spot of tea.

• 50:46Jay Shetty?

  Spot, stop.

• 50:46Ashley Graham?

  Stop.

• 50:47Jay Shetty?

  Swap.

• 50:47Ashley Graham?

  Swap.

• 50:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, so every time, that's very good, that's very, very, and I'm not even that posh, but you made me sound really posh.

• 50:53Ashley Graham?

  Yes, darling. No poppins is what I have.

• 50:57Jay Shetty?

  I love it. I feel like we need to hold a bit of tea.

• 50:59Ashley Graham?

  Start, can we get a tea?

• 51:00Jay Shetty?

  We're good. But spot, stop, swap. So every time you notice yourself, say something negative to yourself.

• 51:07Ashley Graham?

  Ooh.

• 51:08Jay Shetty?

  Spot it first, start spotting that pattern. Because that's all it is, it's a pattern. And we don't realize how much the words we say to ourselves have an impact. Now, when you say something like to yourself, like, I'm starving, right? When you say that, guess what? Your body gets triggered into feeling like it's starving.

• 51:23Ashley Graham?

  Oh my God, I say that all the time.

• 51:24Jay Shetty?

  So do I, that's why I'm picking on this example. Whereas what you actually mean is, I've been lazy, I haven't planned my meals, I haven't eaten for two, three hours. And you're saying, I'm starving. Starving is the person who doesn't know where their next meal is coming from. You're just hungry and disorganized.

• 51:38Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 51:39Jay Shetty?

  And so when we say to ourselves, I'm exhausted. Rather than saying, I'm going to make time for a nap today, or I'm going to sleep earlier today. I'm going to. You're saying the same thing. Right. But what you're saying is changing it. So spot, first spot that pattern. One of the things I think a lot of people say to themselves is, I'm not good enough. I'm ugly. I'm not beautiful. She's beautiful. He's, he's really good looking. He's got a great body. She's whatever. And if you spot that, where is that happening? It's usually happening when you're browsing through social media. So now let's stop, let's limit the time you spend in that place with that person, whatever it is that's sparking and triggering that thought. Let's limit that time and then let's swap it for something better. So what am I going to swap that with? I'm going to listen to Ashley's podcast.

• 52:23Jay Shetty?

  I'm going to read this book that Ashley recommended called The Five Love Languages. I'm going to go to a class that I've been wanting to go to, or a workshop, or whatever it may be. And you've now opened yourself up to swapping it. So spot, stop, swap. So start to spot the patterns, the way you talk to yourself that are bringing you down. Start stopping being in those places and times that sparked that thought, because there's usually an alignment. And then swap it, upgrade it for something higher. Yeah? That's good. Yeah, so I really like that. I can't say it three times fast, though. Spot, stop, swap.

• 52:55Jay Shetty?

  Spot, stop, stop, stop. Yeah. That's all I got. Yeah. So that's, that's probably my second one. And, and my third one, this is probably one of my favorite ones right now. And I think we've been told for a long time that you're the average of the five people you spend most time with. We've heard that again and again and again. And everyone's always like, get together with people you want to be like and stuff. And, and I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I was, a lot of my friends were saying, you know, Jay, I'm always around people, but I still feel lonely. Yeah. I don't know if you've heard that. Like people are like, I'm, I'm busy, but I'm lonely. I'm around people. You especially hear it in LA and New York. Right. Yeah. And you feel that people feel lonely. And I said, the challenge is, we need to stop getting together and we need to start growing together.

• 53:32Jay Shetty?

  And what I mean by that is, schedule one experience, once a week, with a friend where you're both growing together. Choose an activity that neither of you are pro at. So don't go to yoga class if one of you is a yoga enthusiast and the other isn't. Go somewhere where there's a level playing field. Why? Because you now get a fresh experience together. It's so good because it boosts your confidence.

• 53:54Ashley Graham?

  And who cares if you're bad?

• 53:55Jay Shetty?

  Totally. And because you're going together and you're both bad, there's no pressure. And and my best memory of this is once for training, I was sent to Chicago. And it was eighty of us who'd never worked together. This was when I joined a corporate company. Eighty of us were sent to Chicago for training. But we were told it was Chicago, but actually we were two hours outside of Chicago in the middle of nowhere. And we'd be at training nine AM to six PM. And then at six PM, it was too late to get into Chicago.

• 54:16Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 54:17Jay Shetty?

  So we'd have to do something. And the only thing we could do is play sport because there were all these outdoor sports places. Ten of us every night would go out and we played volleyball in the snow. None of us had ever played volleyball before. I could pick up the phone to any of these people today. Because we all just had this crazy, unique experience together.

• 54:33Ashley Graham?

  That's so funny.

• 54:34Jay Shetty?

  And you're learning something together. And I think we underestimate this. Learning something every day is huge for your self-care.

• 54:40Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 54:40Jay Shetty?

  Because you only feel good about yourself when you feel you're progressing.

• 54:45Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 54:46Jay Shetty?

  So I started this really simple habit. And it's learning a new word every single day.

• 54:51Ashley Graham?

  Oh, oh, I've been writing down new words in my notes. Yes.

• 54:54Jay Shetty?

  I love this. Okay, amazing. So literally learning a new word every. And you may say, Jay, I want to learn a new city. Or I want to learn about a new culture, or I want to learn about a new cuisine, or I want to learn. But make it small and something you can achieve like in three minutes.

• 55:07Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 55:07Jay Shetty?

  And so my word today was meraki, M E R A K I.

• 55:11Ashley Graham?

  Meraki.

• 55:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And what it means is to do something with soul. Or to create and leave a piece of you in it, in what you create. And what I love about that word is now I've shared that with you.

• 55:21Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 55:21Jay Shetty?

  We're now having a discussion about it. You've now contributed to a conversation. Your self-worth gets boosted because you've learned something new.

• 55:29Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 55:30Jay Shetty?

  You've proved to yourself you can remember and share it. Those are just some answers straight away that came to my mind, practices that I think are really simple.

• 55:37Ashley Graham?

  They are simple. And I'm glad you explained them because I think sometimes people just rattle things off and they don't go into explanation. And I think that's really important.

• 55:44Jay Shetty?

  Thank you.

• 55:45Ashley Graham?

  I think that a lot of people are looking for peace.

• 55:48Jay Shetty?

  Hmm.

• 55:49Ashley Graham?

  What do you say to those people who are just in search of peace?

• 55:53Jay Shetty?

  Hmm. I'm glad you asked this. So the tagline on my book is called Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day.

• 55:58Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 55:59Jay Shetty?

  I believe that it's something that can be trained. And I believe it's something that you have to take responsibility for. The world around you is never going to be fully peaceful, ever. Even if there was world peace, you would still not have peace with a little argument with your partner or a little issue at work. Like, that's never gonna disappear. So the desire for everything around you to be calmed is a wishful thought that doesn't have an end. Whereas the feeling of wanting to create calm and peace within is very realistic. And the point is that that peace is always gonna get triggered. And I think that's the mistake we make. We're looking for this perfect, consistent, never touched definition of peace.

• 56:44Jay Shetty?

  Whereas peace is something you're constantly training yourself to look for. So what I would say is that people should try and find the one activity they have in their day that brings them peace. It could be sitting and having their morning tea. It could be sitting and reading from a book they love. It could be having a beautiful conversation with their partner, whatever it is, just have one activity a day that brings you peace. In my book, obviously, I talk about a lot more than that, but to find just something that brings you peace. It could be a mindset that brings you peace. So I really believe that all stress, pressure, or lack of peace comes from your mind being ahead of your body or your body being ahead of your mind. So how many times have you been in a scenario where your mind's like racing really, really fast? And your body's like, oh, I just wanna be in bed.

• 57:28Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 57:29Jay Shetty?

  Right? Everyone been in that situation?

• 57:30Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 57:31Jay Shetty?

  Or you're in the opposite scenario where your body is moving really, really fast, doing a lot, but your mind's like, oh, I'm still wanna be in bed.

• 57:38Ashley Graham?

  Oh, that was me yesterday.

• 57:39Jay Shetty?

  Right, right. So we've all experienced both.

• 57:42Ashley Graham?

  You get into all this in your book, don't you?

• 57:44Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 57:44Ashley Graham?

  Oh, I can't wait to read it.

• 57:46Jay Shetty?

  So the alignment of the two is what creates peace. Let's imagine I was running late today and I'm stressing. I'm like, I haven't thought about this and I don't know what it's about and maybe I'm, you know, all that stuff that we know that you do stress about when you're running to work. And I'm sitting in the back of a Lyft or an Uber. Or I'm driving and I turn up to the meeting.

• 58:03Ashley Graham?

  Cause you live in LA and you can drive.

• 58:05Jay Shetty?

  Correct. So what I would do is I sit down and I breathe in for the same count that I breathe out.

• 58:12Ashley Graham?

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:12Jay Shetty?

  So I breathe in for a count of four.

• 58:14Ashley Graham?

  And through the nose, out through the mouth.

• 58:14Jay Shetty?

  Through the nose, out through the mouth, and I breathe out for a count of four. Now, when you breathe in for the same amount of time as you breathe out, you're aligning your body and mind. Why? Because your mind is counting one, two, three, four, and your body in unison is breathing in and out, one, two, three, four.

• 58:28Ashley Graham?

  This is very similar to hypnobirthing.

• 58:31Jay Shetty?

  Yes. Oh, oh, no, I didn't know that. I was doing hypnotherapy, but hypnobirthing.

• 58:34Ashley Graham?

  What they're teaching me through like going through contractions and things. It's amazing because it like, it connects your body and your mind.

• 58:41Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 58:41Ashley Graham?

  And it helps you deal with any kind of stress.

• 58:44Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 58:44Ashley Graham?

  And because I'll be going through physical stress.

• 58:46Jay Shetty?

  Correct.

• 58:46Ashley Graham?

  It's going to help me through that.

• 58:48Jay Shetty?

  Amazing.

• 58:48Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 58:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love that. And that's the point that whenever your mind or body are ahead or behind of each other, that's where you feel a lack of peace.

• 58:54Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 58:55Jay Shetty?

  And so you find peace when you come back into alignment. So Gandhi said, when what you think, what you say and what you do are aligned, then you'll feel peace and harmony.

• 59:04Ashley Graham?

  Well, I'm excited for more Jay Shetty knowledge.

• 59:06Jay Shetty?

  Thank you. You're very kind.

• 59:08Ashley Graham?

  No, you are kind.

• 59:09Jay Shetty?

  You're very kind, honestly. And I, I really love our conversations because A, you ask amazing questions.

• 59:14Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 59:14Jay Shetty?

  B, you make it very fun to be around you. And C, I'm just so impressed right now. I am blown away.

• 59:23Ashley Graham?

  Thank you for being here.

• 59:24Jay Shetty?

  Thank you for having me.

• 59:24Ashley Graham?

  But before I let you go, there's one thing that we do at the end of every pretty big deal.

• 59:28Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 59:28Ashley Graham?

  Everybody kind of freaks out when I say that. No, you don't have to get up and do anything.

• 59:31Jay Shetty?

  Oh, good, good, good.

• 59:32Ashley Graham?

  But you do have to answer a couple of questions.

• 59:33Jay Shetty?

  Okay.

• 59:34Ashley Graham?

  We do the Live Boldly Lightning Round.

• 59:35Jay Shetty?

  Oh, I like it.

• 59:36Ashley Graham?

  What's the last pretty penny you spent?

• 59:40Jay Shetty?

  Oh, probably these.

• 59:42Ashley Graham?

  Oh, those are good.

• 59:43Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:43Ashley Graham?

  He's lifting up his shoe.

• 59:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 59:45Ashley Graham?

  These are nice trainers. What's your biggest deal breaker?

• 59:49Jay Shetty?

  On, in what scenario?

• 59:51Ashley Graham?

  In any, any scenario.

• 59:52Jay Shetty?

  No intention.

• 59:54Ashley Graham?

  Oh, that's good.

• 59:55Jay Shetty?

  If I don't feel someone has an intention. It doesn't have to be right or wrong, because I think that's subjective.

• 59:59Ashley Graham?

  Right.

• 1:00:00Jay Shetty?

  But it's like.

• 1:00:01Ashley Graham?

  Like, it's like an empty question.

• 1:00:02Jay Shetty?

  Correct. Like, where's the heart?

• 1:00:03Ashley Graham?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:03Jay Shetty?

  Like, is there any heart? Is there soul? Is there intention to this? Or is it just because?

• 1:00:08Ashley Graham?

  All right. And because we're on Pretty Big Deal and you're a pretty big deal, I want to know what's a pretty big deal to you.

• 1:00:15Jay Shetty?

  I'm not used to being on the other side of these.

• 1:00:16Ashley Graham?

  I know.

• 1:00:17Jay Shetty?

  I ask a lot of these questions.

• 1:00:18Ashley Graham?

  I know you do. I know you're on the other side.

• 1:00:19Jay Shetty?

  I know, I know. You were great. A pretty big deal to me is being able to make really meaningful friendships after thirty years old.

• 1:00:26Ashley Graham?

  Wow.

• 1:00:27Jay Shetty?

  As we get older. I think it gets hard to.

• 1:00:29Ashley Graham?

  It does.

• 1:00:30Jay Shetty?

  Build really deep, meaningful relationships. A pretty big deal to me is finding really meaningful, deep, beautiful relationships that are genuine, authentic, that I could pick up the phone to in a tough time, that would call me in a tough time. Yeah, I put that above everything.

• 1:00:43Ashley Graham?

  You make a good point there. I do. Jay, thank you so much for coming on Pretty Big Deal. I really appreciate it.

• 1:00:48Jay Shetty?

  Oh, yeah, this is, thank you. This was so much fun.

• 1:00:50Ashley Graham?

  It was.

• 1:00:50Jay Shetty?

  I love this.

• 1:00:51Ashley Graham?

  Thanks.

• 1:01:00Jay Shetty?

  Check this out. On an average commercial flight, the captain has the autopilot engaged about ninety percent of the time. And some psychologists estimate that we make about ninety percent of our decisions, similarly, on autopilot, without thinking. But unlike an airline pilot, when we take our hands off the controls, we don't usually end up where we want to go. But don't worry, there's a simple way that we can stay dialed in. The next seven minutes are about intention and adding direction to the choices you make in life. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to the Daily Jay.

• 1:01:44Jay Shetty?

  Now, before we take off, let's pause and take three deep breaths to help us get centered.

• 1:01:53Jay Shetty?

  Breathing in

• 1:01:56Jay Shetty?

  and breathing out.

• 1:02:00Jay Shetty?

  Inviting inward

• 1:02:04Jay Shetty?

  and releasing outward.

• 1:02:09Jay Shetty?

  Opening up

• 1:02:12Jay Shetty?

  and settling in.

• 1:02:16Jay Shetty?

  Now let me tell you a story. Before I started high school, if you'd have asked me what my worst subject was, I'd have said art, no question. But then, I met Mr. Buckridge. He was an art teacher in my school, tall and thin, and I remember how he always wore these red checkered shirts and knit ties. I also remember something Mr. Buckridge would do that really bugged me, at least at first. He'd stroll around the room, looking at our work, and each time, he'd stop at my desk and ask me this question: "Why?" Like, "Why had I decided to use that color combination?"

• 1:03:02Jay Shetty?

  "I don't know," I'd say, "'cause it looks cool." Mr. Buckridge would shake his head. "That's not a real reason." He always pushed me to really think things through, to be clear about my choices. And honestly, that's where I first learned the power and the importance of intentionality. That lesson has helped me throughout my life, and it's one that can help you too. When I left high school, art had gone from being my worst class to my best. But it wasn't because I got good at painting or drawing. I didn't. I'm still terrible at them.

• 1:03:44Jay Shetty?

  It's because I learned to look at the world through the lens of intention. And now, today, if I'm launching a new project, or even just decorating my office, at every step along the way, I know my why. When we ask why, it's like turning on a light in a dark room. We're no longer just feeling our way around, hoping we'll eventually find the door. Instead, we have a vision and a direction. It also ensures that we're living with purpose, instead of being driven by unquestioned impulses or unexamined emotions, that we're not living life on autopilot or playing "follow the leader."

• 1:04:31Jay Shetty?

  Why is an opportunity to check in with yourself to make sure that your actions align with your values and your priorities? Here's a simple, yet profound exercise. Today, at each decision point you encounter, as you contemplate your choice, pause and ask yourself, "Why?" Okay, it doesn't have to be every decision, considering how many we actually make in a day, but try to do it for a few hours. Why am I having cereal for breakfast? Why am I opting to wear this shirt? Why am I stopping to buy a coffee on my way to work?

• 1:05:15Jay Shetty?

  And why did I choose this coffee shop? Remember, answers like "because it's cool" or "because I always do" will get the Mr. Buckridge buzzer. Challenge yourself to go deeper. You might be surprised at what you discover and how being more thoughtful and deliberate impacts your life. I know it may seem like a little thing, but asking yourself "why" gives you back the controls, so you can fly with direction and intention. And with that in mind, let's practice our intentionality as we turn to our meditation.

• 1:05:58Jay Shetty?

  First, get comfortable wherever you are and be purposeful about what that means for you in this moment.

• 1:06:09Jay Shetty?

  During this practice, you shouldn't do anything just because it's what you usually do. Instead, be very deliberate. So, eyes open or closed, and consider why you're making that choice.

• 1:06:35Jay Shetty?

  Tune in to your breath here, and you can keep flowing along with your natural rhythm.

• 1:06:44Jay Shetty?

  Or, mindfully breathe a little deeper.

• 1:06:56Jay Shetty?

  Feel free to hold your attention on your breath.

• 1:07:02Jay Shetty?

  Or consciously shift your awareness somewhere else.

• 1:07:09Jay Shetty?

  Like a sensation in your body or a sound in the environment.

• 1:07:19Jay Shetty?

  Now take a moment to think about your day so far.

• 1:07:25Jay Shetty?

  Why are you where you are right now?

• 1:07:33Jay Shetty?

  Why are you listening to The Daily J?

• 1:07:42Jay Shetty?

  Why are you listening at this time of day in this place?

• 1:07:51Jay Shetty?

  And now let's open this up. How often do you do things with clarity of purpose and intention? And how often would you say you're on autopilot?

• 1:08:08Jay Shetty?

  As you move through life, when and where could you ask yourself why?

• 1:08:17Jay Shetty?

  How could this transform your life for the better?

• 1:08:25Jay Shetty?

  Personally, my why for The Daily J is very clear. I'm incredibly motivated to help others live their most mindful lives. I hope Mr. Buckridge would be proud. Thanks for being here, and I'll see you tomorrow.

• 1:08:45Speaker 02

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, theHouseMajorityPact.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.