Caller: “I’m About to Marry a Man-Child”

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items. On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman resenting her future in-laws for her fiancé’s lack of skills A man terrified of the future of AI A husband wondering how to make time for his marriage after having kids Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 00:01:49 My Fiancé Lacks Basic Adult Skills 00:25:56 The Future of AI Terrifies Me 00:43:08 Can We Keep Our Marriage Alive? Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I stop presenting my fiance for lacking basic adult skills without becoming his parents?

• 0:12Dr. John Delony?

  Have you created a picture of quote unquote, "The way things are supposed to be"? Or is he a man-child whose mommy wiped his butt into his mid to late twenties?

• 0:22Speaker 00

  The first one.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, so glad you're with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriage, whatever you've got going on. Glad that you're here. Pull up a seat and we're gonna figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and show note, the great and powerful Ben Hill is back on the board. Dude, it's good to see you, man.

• 0:54Speaker 02

  It's good to be back.

• 0:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude. Oh, no pun intended.

• 0:57Speaker 02

  Hey.

• 0:58Dr. John Delony?

  Hey. There's 18 months of hellacious misery.

• 1:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, herniated disc in the spine. Got surgery for it a few weeks back. It's new spine, new me, man.

• 1:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  It feels great.

• 1:12Dr. John Delony?

  New back, new you. That's so awesome. And you've been, you were telling me off air, you've been selling most of your pain meds to Kelly, which is awesome, because she's always hassling all of us for our meds. And so it's so good she's got a dealer right now.

• 1:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I got the hookup.

• 1:28Dr. John Delony?

  She's got the hookup. I saw you driving a new car out there. You must've gotten loaded up. That's so good, man. Dude, it's so good to see you back and glad you're feeling better, dude. We can't make all of our old jokes about you anymore, so we gotta come up with new material, but...

• 1:44Speaker 02

  That's right. I'm sure you'll think of something. I'm not worried.

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  I've been working on it for days. It's good. Let's go out to Grand Rapids, Michigan and talk to Morgan. Hey, Morgan, what's up?

• 1:53Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right. How are you?

• 1:58Speaker 00

  I'm doing great.

• 1:59Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on?

• 2:00Speaker 00

  My question is, how do I stop presenting my fiance for lacking basic adult skills without becoming his parents?

• 2:09Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, you've boxed yourself in on that one. Tell me about what's going on.

• 2:14Speaker 00

  Um, so I love him very much. I know I want him to be my husband and I think he'll be an amazing father eventually. But I just feel like there's certain skills, whether that be like cooking, cleaning, finances, that he just was never really taught. And I don't want to be the one to teach him those things, but I just feel frustrated when I'm the one who has to do a lot of the cooking and cleaning and household things already.

• 2:43Dr. John Delony?

  How old is he?

• 2:44Speaker 00

  He's 31.

• 2:46Dr. John Delony?

  So he's managed this far? How's he managed this far?

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Um, well, that's kind of a part of it. Before he and I got together, like he wouldn't even make dinner for himself.

• 3:00Dr. John Delony?

  But hold on, but he was living though, right?

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Yes, yes, yeah.

• 3:05Dr. John Delony?

  So how was he living?

• 3:07Speaker 00

  Um, he was figuring it out, I guess.

• 3:12Dr. John Delony?

  So, and what I'm trying to get to is, have you created a picture of quote unquote, "The way things are supposed to be"? And he doesn't do them that way. And so you're sitting on a pedestal, looking and saying, "You don't know how to do these things the way I think they should be done." Or is he a man-child whose mommy wiped his butt into his mid to late twenties and they took care of every bill and every, everything, and he doesn't know how to operate in the world?

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Um, it's the first one, I would say.

• 3:47Dr. John Delony?

  The first one? Okay, so tell me about that.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Um, I think maybe it's I'm just controlling and I would rather just do it myself.

• 3:59Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I mean, that's a hard left turn from, "He doesn't know adult, basic adult skills," to, "I'm actually really overbearing and I'm kind of hard to live with."

• 4:09Speaker 00

  No.

• 4:10Dr. John Delony?

  Like, that's a pretty, that's a pretty dramatic turn here. Where are you, like, in all honesty? Where is it?

• 4:17Speaker 00

  I think it's he just doesn't know certain things and has like floundered. And I also just would rather have things done than waiting and telling for him exactly what to do.

• 4:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Do you realize that you've set yourself up? Like, your marriage too, but you've set yourself up to be perpetually upset?

• 4:41Speaker 00

  Uh, I guess I could see how that would be the case.

• 4:49Dr. John Delony?

  Because you've, it's like, I was having this conversation with my 16-year-old. He just started driving and man, for a young man who could care less about a lot of things, he's suddenly gotten real political real fast with the price of gas, right? And we always end up in the same place, which is, you cannot go, or you can pay for the gas, but being at home and being enraged at the gas prices doesn't, A, get you where you want to be and doesn't, like, B, fix your financial situation and C, like, doesn't impact the price at all.

• 5:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so if you have a way, things you want them to look, and it's hard to have this conversation, because there's a baseline, right? There's like, he doesn't even bathe and he's, he pees off the front, well, that's kind of awesome, so I won't say that. But like, but like, he doesn't wipe and he didn't ever use his deodorant, right? There's stuff like that that is like human, right? But if it is, it's, he grew up in a home where they never had family meals and every meal was everybody for yourself, because his mom worked and his dad worked, and so he just grabs a frozen burrito and sits in front of the TV, then what you're talking about is not, he's not an adult.

• 6:09Dr. John Delony?

  It's, we have different values. And here's a picture of what I want our home to look and feel like. And if he says, "I want that too. I want to marry you," then there's gonna have to be some sort of level setting for, "Here's what this looks like and here's how to do this." Is that fair?

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think that's a really fair assessment, just like even with the, like, his family didn't sit down and eat meals together every night. And I think, um, I'm just, like I said, becoming resentful that there's certain things he just didn't know off the cuff and just didn't have very supportive parents, I guess, in that way.

• 6:50Dr. John Delony?

  So why choose, why choose resentment instead of, we get to co-create? I'll say this in an awful way that I don't really mean. You could look at it as, "He's just a lump of unmolded clay." Or you can look at it as, "This is amazing. I have a lump of unmolded clay. I can co-create the perfect man for me." You know what I mean?

• 7:14Speaker 00

  That's a lot more positive way to look at it.

• 7:17Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and my fear for you is like, the, is the lens with which you're choosing to look at this. Because let's take, let's take cleanliness off the table, or dinner, or the way he does or doesn't do dishes. And I've talked about on this show, like, for years, and call me gross, call me dumb, call me immature, whatever, I did dishes when I ran out of dishes, right? When I found myself eating cereal out of a salad bowl, I was like, "I should probably wash all the dishes." And I would. I would sit there and do them all and then put them away. And I, my wife wanted them done every single night after dinner, wanted to, wanted to wake up every morning to a clean kitchen. Now, I have come to love walking into a blank slate in the morning.

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  It's one of my favorite things in the world. And I took her, like, after dinner, her spending another 30 minutes in the kitchen as a rejection of me. I wanted to hang out. I wanted to go watch a movie. I wanted to like, go, go for a walk, whatever. And she was in there cleaning the kitchen. And I took that as a rejection of me. And she took my lack of help as a rejection of her. And we just missed each other.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:25Dr. John Delony?

  Once she's laid it out, like, "Hey, this matters to me. I, I can't sleep well." I'm like, "Dude, I'll, I'll help all day long. Whatever you need, I'm in." Right? And so, but it took getting to the thing beneath the thing. My concern for you is, you have a pair of glasses that you wear, that you see the world through, which is, something's being done wrong to you.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  That's a really interesting perspective.

• 8:52Dr. John Delony?

  Is that, does that play out in other places?

• 8:55Speaker 00

  Um, I wouldn't say necessarily. I'm trying to think of...

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  Let me ask you this question. Like, so dishes and dinner, that's, that's an easy one. Would you resent him if, um, he came from a place of childhood abuse and he struggled with emotional regulation?

• 9:18Speaker 00

  No, I would not.

• 9:21Dr. John Delony?

  If his parents had never let him drive, ever, ever? He was 31 years old and y'all were getting married, he didn't know how to drive. Would you resent him for that?

• 9:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 9:32Dr. John Delony?

  So what is it about this, this thing that you hold dear? I'm trying to get to the thing beneath the thing here.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I feel like it's make, it's causing me more work and stress and like not being able to do fun things or, you know?

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  So what, what is it about a kitchen that's not, what do you want to get done so that you can get to what?

• 9:55Speaker 00

  I think just like having the laundry done, having someone else help with stuff and take care of stuff, like I don't have to worry about it. Um, but I think after this conversation, I'm realizing I'll probably worry about it no matter what, and that this can be a way for us to connect better and say like what we want our house to look and feel like.

• 10:21Dr. John Delony?

  So does he do laundry? How has he done laundry for 30, for, I guess not 31 years, but for the last 10 years when he's been on his own, 15 years he's been on his own?

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Uh, he's a laundromat person. So he's kind of like the, you wait until you don't have anything left and then...

• 10:36Dr. John Delony?

  You go wash it all once.

• 10:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that too is just, you know, it's like, how long do I let the stuff sit in the dryer for? You know, how long do I let like a hamper that the clothes haven't been folded, like, sit? Do I wait for him to do it or do I just do it myself, even though I've asked him to do it?

• 11:00Dr. John Delony?

  Are you hearing, I think you and I are having two different conversations, but I think we're coming closer together. Do you hear the challenge that you've framed? Which is, I am about to marry somebody who I think is not an adult.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  Who doesn't have basic adult skills, as you call them. And what I'm hearing is, yes, if he was a 31-year-old guy and he's like, "Dude, I like to leave my laundry in a bag," I would say, "Bro, change your life." Right? Like, on the other side of this, you're gonna have a much easier, like, peaceful life. At the same time, y'all, you're talking about a difference in pictures of what you want your house to look like, not a difference of moral or character failure. You get what I'm saying?

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I should have phrased that question better, but that's kind of how I was viewing it.

• 11:54Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and it's important for you, I'm glad that you framed it that way because this isn't, this is gonna be, is it gonna show up if y'all decide to have kids? This is gonna show up. Tell me about finances. What was your, how does he handle finances that you think is not even like how adults should handle their money?

• 12:11Speaker 00

  Um, I just think like not having certain investment accounts or just like not even being aware of how much he has in there, like with stuff through work. And, you know, his parents didn't help him set anything up. And then two, just, you know, he doesn't have a credit card, which is, you know, a good thing, but just...

• 12:36Dr. John Delony?

  I don't either.

• 12:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:38Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? So like, and I guess, I guess I would love to see you love yourself and love him enough to not come at him with, "You're doing this all wrong," and come at him with, "Hey, here's what makes me feel safe," knowing exactly how much money I have in every account.

• 12:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:59Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what makes me feel safe, is knowing that when I can no longer work, I'll have money put away in retirement funds that will keep me going.

• 13:08Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  You know what lets me put my hair down, lets me drop my shoulders in the evening and become the fun person I wanna be, is when all of the laundry's just up and away. And that's different than you need to do your, you need to fold your clothes, because he's thinking, "No, I don't, I'll get them tomorrow."

• 13:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:32Dr. John Delony?

  But if you say, "Hey, this is a way you can love me," and he doesn't sign up for that, then you need to start asking different questions about the state of your relationship. Is he a guy that if you said, "Hey, it helps me become, be the fun person I wanna be," and that you love, when there's no dishes in the sink? Would he be like, "Oh, sweet, dude, okay, cool, cheat code, I'll get those knocked out?" Or is he like, "I don't care"?

• 13:56Speaker 00

  He would do it then, I think, if I phrased it that way.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  If you...

• 14:02Speaker 00

  Instead of like, "They should be done, like, this would help me."

• 14:05Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, there you go. That's huge. If you would start approaching him with "I" statements and not "you" statements.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:14Dr. John Delony?

  "I would like," "It would make me feel loved," "It would be a blessing to me, it would be a gift to me," versus, "You should, you didn't, I can't believe you never..."

• 14:26Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:28Dr. John Delony?

  Because he's looking around being like, "I've made it this far." You get what I'm saying?

• 14:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  If he was on the phone, how would he describe you to me?

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Um, very caring, very committed. You know, I probably am someone who overextends themselves as far as like commitments go. Just, you know, wanting to be helpful to everybody and maybe volunteering too much for certain organizations. But, I think that's how he would describe me.

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  What are two or three things that you know about him that make him feel loved?

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Um, I definitely think quality time together, and then, you know, remembering certain things that the other person likes and...

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, I'm talking about him, not both of you. What are things that you know about him that you know makes him feel loved?

• 15:34Speaker 00

  Um, I think when we do stuff with his family. That makes him feel loved and getting to spend like quality time together, but I guess that's not something specific that makes him feel loved.

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  Quality time might be that, and here's what I'm getting at. Let's say that y'all spending time just laughing and carrying on together is his favorite thing. He likes sitting on the couch with you, watching TV, he likes making out with you, he likes going for walks with you. In a strange way, if you are constantly saying, "You need to be, and you should've, and I can't believe you didn't, and when are you gonna finish?" Those things that are important to you, that make you feel loved, that allow you to feel like, "Ah, I've got peace in my own home," are in exact opposition to the things that he's looking for, which is, "Dude, I don't care about the stupid laundry, I wanna be with you. I don't care about the dishes in the sink, let's go hang out."

• 16:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:42Dr. John Delony?

  And if you can see it that way, you got two people trying to love the other person the way they wanna be loved. Does he ever, not get on to you like in a dramatic way, but does he ever be like, "Dude, quit doing X, Y, or Z, let's go"?

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, and this is super common, I don't want you to think anything's wrong with your relationship. It's common that when there's distance or people are trying to connect, they try to connect in the ways that they like to be connected with.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Hmm, yeah.

• 17:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so, what ends up happening is that it often furthers disconnection, like, "Hey, let's just hang out." And then my wife's doing the dishes, and I'm like, "Let's hang out!" And she's like, doing the dishes even more, and then I go get another drink out of the, like, I get another glass out of the thing, I'm like, "Dude, let's watch TV." And we both end up moving further apart. And she's like, "Dude, I'm trying to do the dishes so we can come hang out." And I'm like, "Why don't you put the dishes away so we can hang out?" And we end up further apart than when we started. Instead of me getting to know my wife and know, "This is a path for her, she knows me, this is a path for me," in some nights, she just throws a towel in and plops down on the couch, and it's the best.

• 17:58Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes I go in there and I do the dishes before the meal is over, and it's the best. But now I know I'm gonna love her the way that she, and I'm gonna love her in a language she can understand and hear, and I'm gonna love her the way she likes to be loved, and vice versa, and it changes the whole temperature of your house. So instead of this thing happening to you, it's a thing you're actively participating in. You get what I'm saying?

• 18:24Speaker 00

  Yeah. That's a great shift to view it as.

• 18:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so, here's what it means. It means y'all clearing the deck and saying, "Hey, I wanna get to know you." Which sounds bananas, because he's your fiance. Do y'all live together?

• 18:36Speaker 00

  Uh, yes.

• 18:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so it's, you're gonna think, "I already know you." And I promise you, based on this conversation, there's depths to it.

• 18:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And it's not just, "What chores do you want me to participate in?" It is, paint me a picture of like your perfect evening from 5:00 to 9:00 PM. What, when you walk in this door, makes you go, "Ah, drop your shoulders." And y'all both share that with each other, and then you can say like, "Hey, how can I help you with this and you help me with that?" And then, when's the last time you grabbed his face and you celebrated the crap out of him?

• 19:10Speaker 00

  Um, you know, I don't know if I've ever done that, to be honest.

• 19:20Dr. John Delony?

  So I want you to remember this line, I want you to tattoo it on your spirit, okay?

• 19:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 19:25Dr. John Delony?

  If a wife is not her husband's, and if a husband is not his wife's biggest cheerleader, somebody or something else will be.

• 19:41Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 19:42Dr. John Delony?

  And so i- if he was to do, wash the towels and your first thought was, your first words out of your mouth are, "It's about time," or your first words out of your mouth are, "You didn't fold them right," or, "You mean you washed the beach towels with the bathroom towels?" And he's just like, "What?" If that's your first response, then it's criticism. And criticism is one of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse, according to Gottman's. If there's gratitude, not in a mommy patting his little boy on the, or her little boy on the head, and like, "Good job doing your chores, buddy," but you grabbing him by the face and saying, "Dude, you did the dish, like, you took all the towels and that, that was big time, thank you."

• 20:27Dr. John Delony?

  Or, "I see how hard you're working, thank you. I'm so lucky to be about to spend the rest of my life with you."

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  And for so, for many, and I don't mean to gender this, but for many women I talk to, in your situation, they feel like if I celebrate my spouse, I'm losing something.

• 20:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'll somehow make it okay that he doesn't do the dishes the way I want him done, or that he doesn't, fill in the blank.

• 20:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  If you ever feel like you're losing ground, I want to tell you, you've already lost, because that means you're playing a me versus you game.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, and that's not a great way to start a marriage.

• 21:07Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. It's not, it's not a great way to be in the middle of one either. I'm in the middle of one.

• 21:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:11Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? And everybody falls into scorekeeping, "I've done all this and you've done all this," instead of, "We are all doing this." So, be honest about what, whether he is failing you in basic adult skills, or be honest that you have a picture of how you think the world should operate in, and his is different than yours. And the, the beauty of marriage is, y'all are both gonna scrap your original pictures, and y'all are gonna build one together, which means we're not gonna be judgy with each other, we're gonna be curious, we're not going to say, "You nut," we're gonna lead with "I" statements.

• 21:47Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna get to know each other so well and celebrate each other forever and ever. Amen. Thanks for the call, sister. Best of luck to y'all, I wish y'all a happy, long, forever, ride or die marriage. When we come back, a man asks how to make peace with an AI-driven future when he can't control what's coming. Whoo, this sounds like a phone call to myself. We'll be right back.

• 22:12Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we've got less than 90 days until the full weight of the holiday season is upon us. And you know how it goes, every year, as the calendar starts filling up, you tell yourself, "I'm not gonna let the holiday madness get to me this year. I'm gonna slow down and actually enjoy the holidays. I'm gonna actually be present, not just physically in whatever room I happen to find myself in." And then, you're racing around to dinners, parties, kids' activities, it's madness, and you're drained, and the holidays become a burden. I've done the same thing. But here's one thing I've learned, one of the best ways you can slow down and work on being present, long before the holiday season hits, is staying grounded in your spiritual life.

• 22:55Dr. John Delony?

  Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and I use it almost every day of my life for that very reason, to ground myself in my spiritual life, in my spiritual practices. Some mornings, it's five minutes on the drive to work, some nights, it's a sleep prayer before bed, whatever the moment is, Hallow helps me practice presence. Before the holidays takes everything from us and makes us all super busy, I'm gonna stay committed, and I'm gonna invite you to stay committed, to practice being present with Hallow. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney. Start now, and Hallow will be free for you to try through the holiday season. That's hallow.com/deloney.

• 23:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right, it's officially flannel season, and I could not be more excited about it. Poncho just dropped new flannel and denim styles, and I'm just gonna say it, flannels and the denims are my favorite Poncho shirts, hands down. I've already got five new ones in rotation, and that's just gonna be my fall wardrobe, and I'm so excited to have that box checked with amazing shirts. Here's why I keep coming back to Poncho flannels, they aren't the stiff, scratchy flannels that you're picturing or that you're used to. Poncho flannels are soft, surprisingly soft, with stretch built in, so they move with you instead of fighting you all day long. And the denims, like the one I'm wearing right now, they're the same way.

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  They look sharp, but it wears like your favorite broken-in shirt on day one. They have slim or regular fits, and they fit real bodies, not just mannequins. I wear these things all the time, on the show, at home, on the road, doesn't matter, they hold up. Listen, if you need to upgrade your closet for fall, go check out the new flannel and denim styles at ponchooutdoors.com/deloney. Sign up with our email and get 10 bucks off your first order. That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney, or click the link in the description.

• 25:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right, check this out, my brand new book, Building the Marriage You Want. Years of research and sitting with hurting people and talking with experts, and my own story, boom, this is it, this is like, man, everything I've talked about in marriage and how to do it is right here, Building the Marriage You Want. It's available for preorder now, preorder now for $24.99, and lock in 100 bucks in free bonus items, enhanced audiobook, early access to the ebook, instant access to my exclusive video. I did a talk on communication inside of a marriage, and we'll give you digital access to that. It was a talk from one of my marriage retreats with my friend Rachel Cruz.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  Get your copy now at ramsysolutions.com/store, or if you're watching this on YouTube or podcast, click the link in the description. Building the Marriage You Want, on sale, preorder right now, go pick it up. All right, let's go out to Newark, New Jersey, and talk to Dan the Man. What's up, Dan?

• 26:01Speaker 03

  Hello, afternoon, Dr. John.

• 26:03Dr. John Delony?

  What's up, my brother? How are you?

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Doing pretty well.

• 26:05Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's up?

• 26:07Speaker 03

  All right, so, um, in the last couple of weeks, there's just been so many headlines regarding superintelligence and its improving capabilities. How do I find peace in the face of changes I couldn't control? And how do I remain grounded and focused on the immediate present and what's within my control?

• 26:28Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I, I feel like you have been riding shotgun in my car for the past, probably two years. I've been behind the scenes on some stuff, and, I mean, I gotta be honest with you, Dan, I'm right here with you. I, I, I, I'm gonna tell you what I think or what I'm doing in my life, but I also wanna be honest, dude, I don't know. I don't know. Um, I, I, I don't have a good answer for you.

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it sounds to me, as a layman, as a guy who has never coded a line of code in his life, I wouldn't know, I barely know how the internet turns on. I don't actually know how the internet turns on, I just know how my laptop turns on to this thing called the internet. Um, it feels to me, as a layperson, that they're actively building a thing, and the people building it are saying, "We don't know how this works, and it's probably going to kill us, and we're just gonna keep building it."

• 27:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I, I honestly, in my guts, I don't understand it. I don't know why, I don't know who to believe, I don't know the, if one side is fear mongering, I don't know if, I do believe the latest round of, um, uh, I do, I don't, I, I don't know if they're suddenly calling all the alarms, because these companies are gonna do public IPOs, which means their, their dollars and cents, their actual burn rate on cash is gonna be exposed, and it's gonna collapse the economy, because everyone's gone all in on these few companies. I don't know if it's all gonna converge into a singularity, and we're all gonna, like, I read the Carl the Caller books, I don't know if it's gonna take over everything.

• 28:15Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know if, um, this latest thing I heard a couple of days ago, from the head of, is, I think is, one of the major players, was like, um, "We need to, we need to pause." And that pause is gonna cost us a whole bunch of money and a whole bunch of time, but we're, we're about to cross a line that we can't come back from. I honestly, brother Dan, I'm so dumb, I don't know what that means. Cause in my head, I keep thinking, "Well, just unplug it." And they're like, "You can't unplug it."

• 28:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:43Dr. John Delony?

  I'm like, "Yeah, but just unplug it." And they're like, "You can't unplug it." So, I, dude, they've already lost me there. I don't, I don't understand what this means, other than, um...

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  I can only control what I can control at my house. And I'll tell you, I've got a 16 year old son who's saying, asking me questions about dad, they're telling me there's gonna be no jobs, there's gonna be no college, there's gonna be no nothing. Why do anything? And I feel at a loss, brother, because I, my parents gave me a path. And if I had to go back, I probably would have changed a few things about that path. But they were so confident in the path they gave me. You will graduate high school, you will go to college, you will get a job, you will get married, you will like, and I was like, got it. Um, I'm struggling on giving my son a path. And so here's what I'm telling my own child, and here's I'm telling myself. Can I position myself? So that when whatever happens, happens?

• 29:38Dr. John Delony?

  I know the kind of man I will be in the face of it.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  So if I end up, if we as a society end up like Tyler Cowen thinks with insane growth over time, and this becomes the greatest boon to human history? And everybody wins with medical advancements and with more leisure time, and it lets us drop this madness that we've been living in the last hundred years and go back to being human beings and hanging out together?

• 30:09Dr. John Delony?

  What kind of man will I be in that situation? Will I be a good, kind, generous, loving, protective man in that situation? Or if it's Terminator two, and it's us versus the machines? What kind of man will I be in that? That's that, that who I'm going to be?

• 30:25Dr. John Delony?

  Is the only thing I can control. So that means I'm gonna be inquisitive, but I'm not going to going to follow every rabbit trail, because they don't, they don't make sense to me.

• 30:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And there's too many trillions of dollars in IPOs and in, there's too much money at stake for me to believe anything.

• 30:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 30:43Speaker 03

  That's true.

• 30:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so I have to stay informed. What does that mean? That means that I use an AI tool, and I use it as a college professor. So I pose questions, and I argue back and forth. But the kind of person I want to be right now, given where this technology is, is I will never use it to write a single word? If I'm gonna put my name on it?

• 31:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:06Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 31:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:07Dr. John Delony?

  So it'll help me process ideas. It never gets tired. It never rolls its eyes at me if I ask a dumb question. That's amazing.

• 31:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  And if I, if you get something that says, John Delony wrote this, like a new book, I'm putting out, not one word of that was written with AI? Because that feels dishonest to me.

• 31:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so that's the kind of person I want to be right now. And maybe in two or three years, the AI writing gets so good, then, I mean, I'm obsolete. We're all like, it goes back to a thing my buddy of mine once told me, I was really hammering him, he's a finance guru, and I was hammering him on, on the dollar, like, the pegging of the dollar is the world currency, and what happens if this, and then what if this moves, and what if this collapses? And finally, he looked at me and said, John, I don't have a meteorite plan.

• 31:57Dr. John Delony?

  And I was like, what do you mean? And he said, if the world currency ceases to be the dollar, the US dollar? You, you think you're just gonna get in your car and drive to your job the next day? That's not how that will work.

• 32:12Dr. John Delony?

  And so he's like, I will put money in retirement, he's paid his house off, he's like, takes care of his kids at college, like, he's, he's my age, he's been my buddy for 30 years. And he's like, if the world implodes, I will plan on dealing with that then. And that, for whatever reason, gave me a lot of peace.

• 32:30Dr. John Delony?

  Like, so I don't have a post apocalyptic scenario plan, brother, I just, I just don't.

• 32:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:36Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 32:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 32:40Dr. John Delony?

  What, what's keeping you up at night the most? Is it the lack of plan? Is it the speculation? Is it just the scrolling, the endless scrolling and reading and reading and scrolling?

• 32:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think it's just the algorithm does its thing, and it's, you know, doom after doom after doom. And then just the unknown in general.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  You know, just things and anxiety around just the general unknown, like, no one knows, you know?

• 33:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's the, here's the hedges I'm playing, okay? Hedge number one is? Wherever you happen to be, work your butt off to not owe anybody any money.

• 33:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  Wherever you happen to be? Have friends that you regularly hang out with in person? To do whatever?

• 33:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:29Dr. John Delony?

  I've had the busiest run of my entire professional life, the last probably six months. And last week, I took two days off, three days off out of the office, out of recording shows, and I flew with a couple of comedian buddies, and we went to two Midwest states, went to Oklahoma and Kansas.

• 33:47Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 33:48Dr. John Delony?

  And we did stand up comedy shows for packed houses, and it was a room full of people with no phones, in the dark, laughing our butts off with and at each other. And it filled me up because it's humanity, man. It was people in a room sharing, having a shared experience. And so I'm hedging on people, I'm hedging on, I don't want to owe anybody. So if something gets sideways, who knows, right? And that may be, maybe that's a stupid thing. Maybe I should be borrowing trillions of dollars and, because we're not gonna have to pay it back anyway. I don't know. But I can only go back to what kind of man do I want to be? And then for you, brother, I gotta just tell you, you gotta get off the internet.

• 34:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. No, that's, that's what I've been, been doing, just off the internet. Let me escape the algorithm and just live life.

• 34:36Dr. John Delony?

  But, but you have to be honest, Dan, you have to be honest, the algorithm plugs, fills, fills a need. It works. It's a numbing agent.

• 34:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so you have, if you're gonna delete it, which I make my living online, right? And I'm gonna tell you, I think it'd be good to take a 60 day fast, just get off. And if something implodes in that time, I promise you'll know about it. But then you're gonna have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of the life you have that you were numbing out from.

• 35:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:11Dr. John Delony?

  Are you married?

• 35:12Speaker 03

  Um, no, single.

• 35:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You got kid, you have kids?

• 35:16Speaker 03

  No kids.

• 35:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. How old are you?

• 35:19Speaker 03

  I'm 28.

• 35:20Dr. John Delony?

  28. Can I just, like, old school, I dare you? To go join a

• 35:31Dr. John Delony?

  bowling league, a softball league, an adult soccer league, a chess club, a painting club, a, like a improv troupe in your area. I dare you.

• 35:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 35:44Dr. John Delony?

  Be at your house only to sleep and to, um, wake up and leave.

• 35:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 35:53Dr. John Delony?

  And that will feel awkward and exposed. But the algorithm is feeding on your numbness.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  True. It is true.

• 36:09Dr. John Delony?

  The, the fear is real, brother. I'm with, I'm right here with you. And I have to know I can't, I, I, I can't do anything about it.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm heartbroken by it, I'm saddened by it. It feels like I'm like, got my feet in concrete, and there's a tsunami coming. But maybe there's not one. I don't know. That's the problem.

• 36:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I got two, two young kids that I'm worried about. And at the same time?

• 36:37Dr. John Delony?

  My worry doesn't solve the problem. And so I know what gives, brings me peace is going to hang out with my friends. What brings me peace is going hunting with my son. What brings me peace is having a great evening with my wife. What brings me peace is

• 36:51Dr. John Delony?

  getting my butt kicked in some card game with my 10 year old daughter, like, helping my neighbor. That, those things bring me peace.

• 36:58Speaker 03

  You're right. You're right.

• 37:01Dr. John Delony?

  Do you accept my challenge?

• 37:03Speaker 03

  No, yeah, I accept it. Yeah. There are a couple of things I've always wanted to do, so.

• 37:07Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me a couple.

• 37:09Speaker 03

  Um, join a ping pong league.

• 37:11Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, do you have a, surely there's a ping pong league in Jersey? Are you in?

• 37:17Speaker 03

  Uh, there are plenty of them. So I'll, I'll be looking into which one is closest to me, for sure.

• 37:24Dr. John Delony?

  Are you good at ping pong?

• 37:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm pretty good. Played in college, uh, played after college, but then, you know, work and life.

• 37:32Dr. John Delony?

  Dan!

• 37:33Speaker 03

  Gets in the way.

• 37:34Dr. John Delony?

  This is life.

• 37:36Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 37:38Dr. John Delony?

  Bro.

• 37:38Speaker 03

  No, it's true.

• 37:39Dr. John Delony?

  Look, listen, listen, Dan. You'll be a legend and a hero. When you join this league, you take a picture of you and some of your teammates, and you send it to us, and I'll post it. And I want a shirt from your team that you sign up for, and I'll wear it on the air.

• 37:55Speaker 03

  Will do. Challenge accepted.

• 37:57Dr. John Delony?

  What else, besides ping pong league?

• 38:00Speaker 03

  Uh, tennis league.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  Tennis league.

• 38:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  It's a racket sports.

• 38:06Dr. John Delony?

  You like pickleball, too?

• 38:08Speaker 03

  Yep, and pickleball.

• 38:10Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, get out there, man.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll be doing that.

• 38:16Dr. John Delony?

  Promise?

• 38:17Speaker 03

  Promise.

• 38:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 38:20Speaker 03

  Thank you so much.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  There's a fine, listen, listen, there's a fine line between burying your head in the sand?

• 38:25Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 38:26Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  um, protecting yourself from pollution?

• 38:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  And that's always gonna be a fine line. And I can, I find myself on both sides.

• 38:40Dr. John Delony?

  But breathing pollution for the sake of breathing pollution is gonna assure me that I, that I die.

• 38:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:47Dr. John Delony?

  And burying my head in the sand is, is not what my community needs from me. It's not what my wife and kids need from me. And so it's always gonna be a tricky balance. But right now, I want you to err on the side of

• 39:02Dr. John Delony?

  go live, and go build an amazing life from the inside out.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  And

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I wish there was something else I could tell you. Um, I just don't know. I don't know.

• 39:18Speaker 03

  No, but what you've been saying makes sense, you know? A lot of things are out of my control and the things I can is who I am, you know, my character, how my friends think about me, you know, how I engage with the people in my community. Um, and those are things that do bring me happiness and joy, so.

• 39:38Dr. John Delony?

  And, and listen, this morning, my alarm went off and I grabbed my phone. And I went, almost went straight, I downloaded a game, which I never have on my phone. I downloaded a game, I've been traveling a lot, so I downloaded a game to sit in hotels with. And I grabbed it and started to start playing this morning, which violates, dude, my friend Arthur Brooks would just slap me upside the head. And I had to say out loud, "Go be with your family."

• 40:07Dr. John Delony?

  And I dropped the stupid phone back on the floor, it was, and I went and hung out with my wife and kids. So, I don't want you to think this is easy and I don't want you to think I'm perfect. I, I struggle with this on a regular basis. The guys who design these devices are good, man. They're better than me.

• 40:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:21Dr. John Delony?

  But that means I have to be extra intentional about taking ownership of my time and who I'm gonna be, regardless of what happens. So, in the face of the internet goes down forever and we're back to

• 40:35Dr. John Delony?

  having to borrow a mower from our neighbor, what kind of guy am I gonna be then? And if I have to start growing vegetables in my front yard, what kind of neighbor am I gonna be then? And if suddenly, every need we ever had is taken away and the rest of our life is playing soccer and softball leagues because we have robots running around fixing everything, what kind of man am I gonna be then? And so,

• 41:00Dr. John Delony?

  build the life that you want to live.

• 41:06Dr. John Delony?

  And make sure it's full of action and joy and other people and laughter and challenge and hard stuff. And bro, join a ping pong league and dominate it, run shop on it, brother. Thanks for the call. When we come back, a woman asks how she and her husband can prioritize their marriage when they're exhausted, busy, and have almost no help. We'll be right back.

• 41:32Dr. John Delony?

  Here's something most people don't think about. You wake up a little stiff, a little tired, and you figure, "That's just how sleep is nowadays." But the truth is, you've gotten so used to the mattress you've been sleeping on for the last 10, or 15, or 20 years, that you don't even realize how bad your mattress actually is. And it may be why you're not sleeping well. And I gotta say this too, old mattresses get gross. Now is the time to finally get a new mattress and switch to Helix. Sleeping on a Helix mattress will help you sleep better, and better sleep affects everything else, including your attitude, your emotional regulation, and your health.

• 42:13Dr. John Delony?

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• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  That's helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com/deloney, or click the link in the description. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 43:07Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Hartford, Connecticut. Let's talk to Ann. Hey, Ann, what's up?

• 43:12Speaker 00

  Hey, how are you?

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right. How are you?

• 43:15Speaker 00

  I can't complain.

• 43:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, you could. You'd be like Kelly, but you could.

• 43:20Speaker 00

  Nobody will listen, that's the thing. Um, nothing. So, I am calling because my husband and I are in our early 30s and we have, oh, we're about to have our third kid in three years.

• 43:33Dr. John Delony?

  Whoa!

• 43:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. And, uh, we are, I guess I'm wondering how we can prioritize our marriage specifically versus just prioritizing family time when we both are really busy and don't really have a lot of outside help to kind of do the whole date nights or things like that.

• 44:00Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. What, um, and you mentioned it with date nights. When you say quote-unquote "work on your marriage," what do you mean? Like, paint me a picture of that.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  Sure. We have a, we have a really good marriage. Um, we, I think, are great at prioritizing our family unit. I think both of us struggle with, um, like, smaller steps to prioritize us in terms of connecting, um, or just finding time to just be together because we're both so busy.

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  So, you've, you used some great, um, I'll call them counselor-y's language. What do you mean by connecting? Do you miss, you miss just sitting on the couch watching TV? Do you miss being able to make out whenever you want to? Y'all, at least, y'all are on the once-a-year plan and it's working great.

• 45:02Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 45:04Dr. John Delony?

  Like, what, like, what are you, when you say connecting, what, what do you mean? Does it feel like y'all are just roommates running task to task to task? Like, paint me a picture of what connection means to you.

• 45:15Speaker 00

  I think sometimes it feels like, so, okay, my husband, he works probably around between 60 and 70 hours a week. Um, so, when he does come, when he is home, it's, you know, an hour before the kids are going to bed. So, we really try to have him spend a lot of time with them and we'll spend family time. And then, you know, I've been with the kids since all day. So, at the time when the kids are going to bed, we'll lay in bed and typically one of us is falling asleep within 20 minutes.

• 45:46Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  Uh, so, I guess I just miss, and I would say he misses it too, but we both are kind of like, we have no idea what we're, like, what the next steps would be. Um, I guess we both have kind of missed maybe having energy for each other.

• 46:02Dr. John Delony?

  Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

• 46:06Speaker 00

  Um, I, I say his connection looks different than mine. I am more of like, I like to talk and I can talk things to death if I wanted to. Um, I think he is a little bit more simple where...

• 46:23Dr. John Delony?

  Just shut up and let's make out.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  Or, yeah, or shut up and let's make out, or falling asleep to a movie is just as good.

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  Um, and so, I think that, or I miss being able to just say, "Hey, do you want to go to the driving range and just go and hit some golf balls?" And it's like, "We can't do that right now." Um, so, just finding ways to be able to, even if it is only for a half hour, because that's all we can give each other at the moment, um, to like, make the time that we have feel more intentional, I guess.

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Okay. Um, all right, so I've got good news and bad news. What do you want to hear?

• 47:06Speaker 00

  Both.

• 47:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Both, okay. I'll, I'll lead with the bad news first, okay? And by the way, it's not bad news.

• 47:16Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna say it pretty direct. If we were, if we were just hanging out, having nachos, and I had an hour or two with you, I'd be much gentler in how I said this, but I'm just gonna be pretty abrupt, okay? Um, the marriage you had doesn't exist anymore. It's over.

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:31Dr. John Delony?

  And there, anytime there's an ending, even if it's a good ending, it's a necessary ending, as my buddy Henry Cloud calls them, it still comes with grief.

• 47:43Dr. John Delony?

  "I'm sad this doesn't exist."

• 47:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:46Dr. John Delony?

  "Remember when..." dot, dot, dot. Those will always be a part of you, the good stuff, the tough stuff, the boring stuff, whatever.

• 47:55Speaker 00

  Right.

• 47:55Dr. John Delony?

  But it's over. And...

• 48:00Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all are in a season right now where even planning on, like I always tell couples, clear the deck, your marriage is over. What do you want it to look like now? Here's the challenge where y'all find yourselves, and this is, I guess, would fall under the bad news category, but it's not bad news. It's just an is, right? Is every three months for the next three years, you're gonna have a different marriage?

• 48:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:23Dr. John Delony?

  Cause one kid's gonna be peeing everywhere and one kid's gonna be still in diapers. And then another kid's gonna be setting something on fire and then another kid's gonna be throwing up and have, need an eye doctor appointment. And so there's something about intentionally understanding it is winter. And we wanna be outside at the beach and we want to be outside in the sun, playing catch or hitting golf balls. We can't, cause there's 14 feet of snow outside. And so we're in our winter coats. That's the season we're in. And it's dark outside. And so, people for millennia have figured out what to do in that world, right? When it's winter. And so what y'all have to do is instead of pining away for, why isn't it summer? Why isn't it summer?

• 49:07Dr. John Delony?

  When is spring coming? It is, how can we make the best possible winter now? I will tell you, I, it was about, it was probably a year ago, when my wife was giving me a hard time. We've had family movie night on Friday nights for years, okay? And it sounds like they're similar to what has emerged in your home. I loved them. I can't tell you, but maybe one or two movies I've seen in the last 10 years. Um, when it comes to on family movie night, cause the moment my family's in a huge pile on the couch and somebody hits play, I'm out.

• 49:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:44Dr. John Delony?

  I'm dead asleep. And my wife was giving me a hard time about it. Um, not, not in a mean way. We were just laughing. And I told her, way more important than the movie is having all of my family in a big pile on the couch is the time when my body finally goes, everybody's safe, boom, we're out.

• 50:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so it wasn't that I was falling asleep because I didn't wanna be with her. I was too tired to be with the kids. It was my body was like, job done today. Well done, brother. And so that me falling asleep was the greatest signal I could send to my family that I loved them.

• 50:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 50:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  And is that ideal for her? No. Right? My kids really wanna want me to watch whatever movie they've got on, like, yeah, this is a good one, whatever. Cool. I'm out, right?

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Right.

• 50:34Dr. John Delony?

  But all that to say is there will be a season when the best we can do is hold hands until one of us falls asleep and that might be four minutes in.

• 50:43Speaker 00

  Right.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  And that doesn't mean something's wrong with your marriage. And that doesn't mean that you don't want it to be different as soon as possible. It's just not that way right now.

• 50:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 50:57Dr. John Delony?

  And can I, can I lean on you for a bit?

• 51:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:01Dr. John Delony?

  You have a diehard responsibility to get some women friends in your life.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  I have them.

• 51:11Dr. John Delony?

  Do y'all hang out somewhat regularly?

• 51:13Speaker 00

  No, we, yeah, we hang out about three or four times a week.

• 51:16Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, awesome.

• 51:17Speaker 00

  Cause we all have kids the same age.

• 51:18Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Okay. That's amazing.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, they're great. And I would say we're all kind of in that same boat. I have a friend whose husband's deployed. I have friends who husbands, you know, blue collar. All of our husbands are very like, we see them at six in the morning. We don't see them again until seven at night. And

• 51:37Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me, tell me about your husband's work schedule. Why is he working 70 hours a week?

• 51:41Speaker 00

  So my husband works full time. He owns, he's part owner of a business. And then he is a high school football coach on the side. Um, which right now is, you know, pretty much another full-time job.

• 51:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 51:56Speaker 00

  And then he, we have a homestead business and currently, um, biggest, I mean, he, he mainly does all of that because I'm pregnant and can't really, you know, be in there selling firewood and all of that stuff. So he's doing that on the side, which he puts in about another 15 hours a week doing that.

• 52:18Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, he's amazing. Everything he does is genuinely for the beneficial of our family.

• 52:23Dr. John Delony?

  It, it, maybe, maybe. Do y'all need all of those dollars and cents to make it?

• 52:29Speaker 00

  I wish I could say no, but we do.

• 52:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well, and so I,

• 52:33Speaker 00

  And I also, I work part-time.

• 52:35Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, good God.

• 52:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. So I'm with my kids, you know, 95% of the time. And the very little help that we do have comes from my mother-in-law and she's amazing. And she takes our kids on the one day a week. I'm actually, I'm a therapist. I work for myself.

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 52:52Speaker 00

  So, yeah, I'm a trauma therapist, so I can't have my kids here when I'm taking clients.

• 52:59Dr. John Delony?

  For sure.

• 52:59Speaker 00

  So I

• 53:03Speaker 00

  do that on the one day a week where she can. So I have like all of my clients back to back to back to back one day a week. And that's when she takes them and

• 53:16Speaker 00

  she's amazing, but she also like rearranged her schedule. So like she works weekends so that she can take our kids during the week when I had work. And yeah, so I wish I could say no, he doesn't have to do all of those side things, but he does. It's just kind of an added benefit that he does also enjoy doing it.

• 53:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So I, and here's what I want y'all both to be careful of. And this is just me. This is 100% my bias here. Um, I started working 80, 90 hours a week. Um, after my son was born, because I felt like a failure at my house.

• 53:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:55Dr. John Delony?

  And I knew one way I could help my family is to put more money in the direct deposit.

• 54:02Dr. John Delony?

  And we didn't have a serious conversation about how much money it actually takes to run this household and what is me being around more look like? And what does, my wife and I didn't have the language to talk about any of that stuff.

• 54:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so she needed more help. I didn't know how to give the right kind of help. And so I went this way and she went that way.

• 54:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:26Dr. John Delony?

  And so if y'all are in a season where you've married a incredible man, and this is for a suddenly an overnight family of five, this is, we need this much money for eggs and groceries and gas. And that guy's not scared of hard work. That's awesome. If

• 54:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:43Dr. John Delony?

  it is dollars and cents. If he was on the phone with me, I might lean on him and say, dude, I, I still to this day am a product of a few of my football coaches who leaned into my life. They changed my life. And

• 54:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:59Dr. John Delony?

  For the amount of hours he's putting into that, he could make a jillion more dollars if he were into Starbucks.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so from, when it comes to in a, in the winter season, we all wanna be doing all kinds of stuff. I would challenge you is seeing six trauma clients and then being back to, while you're creating a third human and then having to basically live in two, two completely dysregulated miniature human beings. Like, is that, is that, is the dollars you're earning there worth the expense of time, energy, emotional drain?

• 55:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And if it is, awesome. If it's not, it's, it's like part of that our marriage is over is you and your husband swipe in the deck and saying, all right, how much money do we actually need?

• 55:52Speaker 00

  Right.

• 55:53Dr. John Delony?

  You look at him saying, I love you more than life itself. And I, I love seeing how happy you are about football and we have three babies and I need you home more.

• 56:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or not even need, I want you home more.

• 56:07Speaker 00

  It's a both. It's both.

• 56:09Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Right? And, and so, and he hopefully will be, have his, be sad because he misses football, but also be enlivened by, he's got a way more important group that he's coaching, a way more important purpose now than scoring touchdowns. He's now got a purpose of

• 56:29Dr. John Delony?

  like honoring and loving his wife and his three new kids.

• 56:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:35Dr. John Delony?

  And those are all uncomfortable conversations to have.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. What's great is like he can take my oldest son with him, like to football every now and then. Which is like a special thing for them. But it is definitely one of those things where I think both of us, when we found out we were, I was pregnant with our third, kind of looked and said, okay, I think we have to reevaluate.

• 57:00Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 57:01Speaker 00

  Especially next year, when there's gonna be, you know, an almost four-year-old and almost three-year-old and, and almost one-year-old.

• 57:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. And at y'all's going rate, and you'll be pregnant again. So there you go.

• 57:15Speaker 00

  Oh gosh, no, please, no.

• 57:17Dr. John Delony?

  No, but, but, but so like, I think the, the thing I want, the only thing I wanna caution you two on is thinking that somehow y'all are broken.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 57:26Dr. John Delony?

  If you keep, I'll, I'll send you a year's worth of the Together app and it'll give y'all an action item for each other every day. Okay? Um, and it will, it's got modules for communication and for conflict and those things pop up. Like I'll send it to you for a year for free. The,

• 57:42Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 57:42Dr. John Delony?

  It's simple as waking up and saying, how can I love you today?

• 57:48Dr. John Delony?

  And it might be something small like, will you just please go wash every clothing item in this house? Please, God, please. And he'll be like, got it, right? And, and you say, how can I love you today? And he says, I know you're 19 years pregnant right now, but can we just hug for 30 seconds? I just miss my wife. And you're able to, there's a baby crying somewhere and there's a, something on fire and you're like, I'm gonna hug my husband for 30 seconds.

• 58:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right? It's that, it's the, it's not the time, it's the intentionality of it when you're in the winter.

• 58:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:24Dr. John Delony?

  And it's trying to love each other in the, in a way that somebody else wants to be loved, not in the way that you wish you were being loved in that moment. Does that make sense?

• 58:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. And I feel like that's sometimes where we both struggle.

• 58:37Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Well, and, and that's, that's like y'all getting to know each other again, over and over. I used to, I, I thought that I would just get to know my wife and I would know her. She's the same person I've been with for 30 years. She's like on version 20 of herself.

• 58:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:50Dr. John Delony?

  And now my favorites, I feel like I'm dating somebody new most of the time.

• 58:54Speaker 00

  Right.

• 58:55Dr. John Delony?

  And that's kinda awesome.

• 58:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so there's a constant, hey, we got 10 minutes. Do what are three funny things you've thought of? What are three new bands you listen to? What are two podcasts you listen to? Like what are, while you're out doing whatever, will you explain to me one, you're only get one, what is your favorite football play and why? Like, and let him just be like, what? Yes. And tell you all about it, right? And at the same time, hey, can I tell you three things that I'm scared about 20 years from now? And he'll be like, I got you, babe. But it's those small levels of intentionality. I just, just don't quit going back to the well.

• 59:34Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 59:35Dr. John Delony?

  And I wish I had a better answer for you, other than, spring is coming, I promise.

• 59:42Speaker 00

  Yes. No, it's, it's, I think, just being reminded of intentionality and I think in an age where comparison, I think we compare ourselves to a lot of people. Um, I think that's hard for us.

• 1:00:01Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, you're married, you're a trauma therapist, married to a blue collar slash football coach slash homesteader slash, um, probably the best marriage communication skills I've heard in a long, long time. Y'all are, y'all are crushing it.

• 1:00:19Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:00:21Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all are setting the standard for how to still have some sort of humanity in all of this chaos, which is three kids, three and under.

• 1:00:29Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:00:32Dr. John Delony?

  And I know that doesn't make you feel any better because it doesn't solve the problem, which is, I just miss my husband, right? Like, it, it's just me telling you like, yeah, this is an is for a while.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, I can't change it.

• 1:00:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so we're gonna be intentional about what we can own. And if it's 10 minutes, if it's five minutes, if it's 50 little bitty things, but that's what we can own. And you're going, I'm telling, gosh, the most annoying thing old parents can tell new parents. It's the, it's the longest, quickest season of your life. It goes so stinking fast and it feels like a billion years when you're in the middle of it. And so, um, yeah, y'all are on a ride now. Three kids, man, you're gonna have a 17, a 16 and a 15 year old. Oh, man. I hope I still have a show then. I hope AI hadn't taken my show by then because you'll be for sure calling. Um, but man, I'm so excited for y'all. You're doing the right thing. Hang on the line here, we'll hook you up with a Together app to keep you and your husband

• 1:01:30Dr. John Delony?

  connected over the next few years in the chaos. It's been an honor to talk to you. We'll be right back. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Every year you tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently. You're gonna stay calmer, you're gonna feel more peace, but then the same old patterns show up. The same family tensions, the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries, and you find yourself cranky and tired and even snapping at people that you love. Listen, this year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions and you can develop a plan for moving through the holidays with peace.

• 1:02:12Dr. John Delony?

  Therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it. When you're ready to have that conversation, check out BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform with more than 30,000 licensed therapists across its network. This means you can find someone who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season, help you develop a plan, or help you with whatever your needs and goals are. If the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. If you thought about trying therapy with BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide through participating providers and eligible members have an average copay of just 23 bucks a session. Listen, you know what's coming.

• 1:02:54Dr. John Delony?

  This year, you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni to check out your payment options. That's BetterHelp, H E L P dot com slash daloni, or click the link in the description. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 1:03:15Speaker 04

  All right, before I start, um, I want to tell people again that we are now doing voicemails on Am I the Problem? So if you have an Am I the Problem and you want to call in, we will be playing your voicemail on the air, so be okay with that. Ben probably doesn't know that this is happening.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  I'm, I'm just learning about that. That's fine.

• 1:03:33Dr. John Delony?

  I just saw you shake off the Percocet fog a little bit and be like, what?

• 1:03:36Speaker 04

  I just saw his face turn and look at me like, we're doing what? Excuse me?

• 1:03:39Speaker 05

  We will be playing your voicemail on the air, so be okay with that.

• 1:03:43Speaker 04

  Like, oh, that's right, Ben doesn't know, he hasn't been here. Well, hey, Ben, we're doing Am I the Problems voicemails.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Like, right now?

• 1:03:50Speaker 04

  No, we're asking people to send them in.

• 1:03:52Speaker 02

  Okay, okay.

• 1:03:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  I didn't have a channel ready for that, so.

• 1:03:55Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:03:56Speaker 02

  Okay, that's fine.

• 1:03:57Speaker 04

  We'll work on the logistics of it later. All right. So, but people, what you want to do is call into 844-693-3291 and, um, leave us a, um, Am I the Problem? Give us a name and a play, a location, I don't care if it's real or not. Tell me right up front, this isn't Am I the Problem, so we know immediately what we're listening for. Keep it to less than a minute and make sure it is a question that we can talk about without a lot of context, just, you know, y'all listen to enough of these, you know what we're looking for.

• 1:04:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, and if you don't give us enough context, we will make it up and it will be awesome.

• 1:04:30Speaker 04

  And you won't like it.

• 1:04:31Dr. John Delony?

  And there'll be no giraffes. All right, so Kelly.

• 1:04:34Speaker 04

  Oh, there will be giraffes. All right, anywho, so this one's interesting. This is an Am I the Problem with an Am I the Problem?

• 1:04:40Dr. John Delony?

  That sounds very inception. Go for it.

• 1:04:44Speaker 04

  Yes, all right. So this is from Maria in Dayton, Ohio, and she writes, hi, this is an Am I the Problem about my response to an Am I the Problem? So people have a problem with our Am I the Problem response?

• 1:04:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 1:04:59Speaker 04

  Um, on the 8/26 episode, there was an Am I the Problem about a 25 year old sister wearing swimsuits that the writer called too revealing and asked if they were a problem for wanting to talk to her about wearing a more modest swimsuit on a family vacation. Do you remember that one?

• 1:05:13Dr. John Delony?

  I do.

• 1:05:14Speaker 04

  Okay, so let me.

• 1:05:15Dr. John Delony?

  I don't remember what I said.

• 1:05:16Speaker 04

  Very quick context.

• 1:05:17Dr. John Delony?

  I think I said, for sure, skimpy as bathing suits as possible.

• 1:05:19Speaker 04

  No. Um, no, the context that we, there's a real quick little synopsis. This woman emailed in and she said they're about to go on a big family beach vacation, lots of kids gonna be involved, and little sister who's, you know, in her twenties wears next to nothing on the beach.

• 1:05:36Dr. John Delony?

  Just likes to display the goods.

• 1:05:38Speaker 04

  All of it. And so she said, am I the problem for wanting to have a conversation with her about, hey, this is a family vacation in front of the kids, could you not?

• 1:05:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 1:05:46Speaker 04

  And you and I both said, no, there's no problem with her talking to her sister and saying, hey.

• 1:05:50Dr. John Delony?

  Come on.

• 1:05:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, this is a family vacation.

• 1:05:52Dr. John Delony?

  For sure.

• 1:05:53Speaker 04

  There we are. All right.

• 1:05:55Dr. John Delony?

  I've had to do that with you coming over to my house around my kids, like, Kelly, come on.

• 1:05:57Speaker 04

  Anywho, not true. So she said, I figure John would say yes, that the writer was the problem, and to mind her own business and let the sister be. That's, she's not hurting anyone with her clothing choices. I was stunned by both John and Kelly's responses agreeing with the writer that she should ask her sister to cover up on the vacation. It seems like if this was such an issue for her, rather than making it her sister's responsibility to, that it would not be her sister's responsibility to make her comfortable. Am I the problem for thinking that the writer is the problem in disagreeing with John and Kelly? Y'all both give great advice, especially Kelly, so I'd love to hear some more thoughts on this discussion.

• 1:06:42Dr. John Delony?

  I have one thought. You are 100% the problem.

• 1:06:49Dr. John Delony?

  For thinking that we were wrong about the who's the, am I the problem?

• 1:06:54Speaker 04

  So I, I still agree with our original response. I think that the writer is right to say, "Hey, this is family vacation. Now, she can't control what the sister does, but can you dig a little into that? Why in this case?" Because a lot of times we do say,

• 1:07:10Speaker 04

  "You can't control what other people do, but it's your response, but all you can control is your response." So what makes this scenario a little different?

• 1:07:18Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I still, I think the logic train still goes down that same track. I, the one curve ball that this, what's this woman's name?

• 1:07:29Speaker 04

  That wrote in, this time it's Maria.

• 1:07:30Dr. John Delony?

  Maria. The one curve ball that Maria added to this, which I think is her bringing her suitcase to this situation, suitcase is a fancier way of saying her baggage to this thing, is

• 1:07:43Dr. John Delony?

  framing it as older sister wants to talk to younger sister because older sister's uncomfortable. And I remember that last conversation as older sister is less about her feeling uncomfortable and more about, "There's so many kids out here." And that's what I want to, that's, that's what this conversation's about, right? So in a totally different context, if I, I do, I have tons of friends who are some of the greatest men on planet Earth, and they swear like a sailor. If they came to my house, like when I'm with them, that didn't bother me at all. It's like, that's great. But when you're, if you're around my 10-year-old daughter, I would say, "Hey, don't swear like that." That's not about me being uncomfortable. That's about me honoring my 10-year-old. Like,

• 1:08:28Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want her head filled with that kind of stuff, that kind of language, right? As she's 10. I've never had somebody ever be like, "Really? That's just me, bro?" And so they would be like, "Oh, God, yeah, for sure. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry." And so that is how I'm hearing this. And so that's her controlling what she can control, which is, "I'm responsible for these kids, and I'm asking you to, to take one for the team."

• 1:08:55Speaker 04

  Then how come when we had our Deloney Show family pool party, you insisted on wearing your Speedo?

• 1:09:01Dr. John Delony?

  Because I look incredible.

• 1:09:05Dr. John Delony?

  And you forgot, when we went to Vegas, you bet me $50, I wouldn't get an I Love Kelly Bullseye tattoo on my lower back, and I did, and I wanted to show everybody.

• 1:09:14Speaker 04

  Well, when you got a tramp stamp, you gotta show it off.

• 1:09:16Dr. John Delony?

  You gotta show it off. I, I can't, I would, I would show up buck naked in front of, show up in a Speedo. I think a Speedo is more disturbing than just the actual, just, here it is.

• 1:09:28Speaker 04

  Okay, so the picture I sent you the other day, the one that you said that it was the worst I got sent you in a long time?

• 1:09:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I had to go, I had to go get like eye surgery. All my rods and codes burned out.

• 1:09:37Speaker 04

  I sent John a picture of the guys from ACDC, and we're both huge ACDC fans. So this is the original lineup with Bon Scott.

• 1:09:47Dr. John Delony?

  They were all like 19.

• 1:09:48Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. This was early ACDC. So Bon Scott was the only one that looked like he was in his 40s, but he always looked that way. So, fine. So this is prior to 1982. I'd say this is probably late 70s.

• 1:09:59Dr. John Delony?

  And they're teeny tiny men.

• 1:10:03Speaker 04

  Oh, very teeny tiny, especially the, the young brothers. Yeah.

• 1:10:06Dr. John Delony?

  Teeny, so like when I think like ACDC, I'm like, "These guys."

• 1:10:09Speaker 04

  They're rock gods.

• 1:10:10Dr. John Delony?

  And they're 5'1", 105.

• 1:10:13Speaker 04

  In this picture, they're on the beach. Okay, so when you picture your rock gods, black Angus is in his schoolboy, you know, uniform, that's what you want from ACDC. So it's this picture, and they're all in their swimwear on a beach, probably in Australia, and it was Malcolm is in the teeny-tiniest little Speedo.

• 1:10:36Dr. John Delony?

  All the swimsuits together, if you sewed them all together, it would be one leg of my swimsuit that I wear.

• 1:10:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, even the shorts were shorty, shorty, shorty shorts.

• 1:10:45Dr. John Delony?

  They were short for your standards.

• 1:10:47Speaker 04

  And they were all skinny, because they're all, like, they're teenagers, and they are all so scrawny skinny. It is the most un-rock god photo ever, ever.

• 1:10:56Dr. John Delony?

  It looked like four kids just got kicked out of the local, like suburban pool, and they're like, "Oh, mate."

• 1:11:01Speaker 04

  Four 12-year-olds, too.

• 1:11:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, four 9-year-olds, yeah, got in trouble.

• 1:11:06Speaker 04

  Except for Bon Scott, who looked like somebody's dad. And I sent it to John because I was like, "I can't be the only one that has seen this. I have to have someone else that has seen this." And the, all I got back was, "This is the worst thing you've ever sent me."

• 1:11:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, so I, Marie, I love you. I'm glad you're listening to the show. I'm not super thrilled that you said Kelly gives great advice, but other than that, I'm glad you're in our gang. But I, I, I will never have a problem with somebody saying, "Hey, I'm trying to honor my kids here. I'm trying to take care of young people here. Could you..." You can say no. And you can choose to be offended by that. If, if I was like, "Man, I don't have big muscles, so Ben, will you put a shirt on because it makes me feel less than?" That would be my problem, and that would be ridiculous. But in this situation, yeah, I think it's, it's teaching a, someone in their early 20s, there's a time and a place. There's a time and a place to go to the beach and let it all hang out and do your thing, and there's also a time

• 1:12:05Dr. John Delony?

  we're on family vacation, and we're all gonna up our game a little bit. There's a different cadence and a different thing to this cultural interaction. So that's my thoughts. You think I'm right?

• 1:12:15Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, 100%. I, thank you, Marie. Appreciate it. Thank you for the compliment that I do give good advice, better than John usually.

• 1:12:22Dr. John Delony?

  And thank you for willing to be wrong on front of the world. Love you guys. Bye.