Caller: “I Resent My Husband for Not Wanting Kids”

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife grappling with her husband’s desire not to have kids A man wondering how to help his wife parent their violent son A woman unsure how to ask for physical affection Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters 00:00:00 Intro 00:01:13 My Husband Refuses to Have Kids 00:17:50 My 3-Year-Old Son Is Wrecking My Marriage 00:34:44 How Do I Ask for Physical Affection? Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  When my husband and I got married, we agreed that, you know, children were on the table. But over these last several years, it seems that my husband has since changed his mind.

• 0:15Dr. John Delony?

  How much of this is about kids? And how much of this is... There's been several things that y'all agreed on and what your life was gonna look like, and none of that stuff is coming true.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thank you so much for pulling up a seat. I'm just overcome with gratitude that you are hanging out with us today. And I'm fortunate enough to spend a lot of time on the road and getting to meet you guys in airports, in backstage, in front of stage, out in restaurants. It's just such a gift. When y'all come up and just tell me what the show's meant to you, I'm just blown away. So, thank you for being with us. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing this show. It means the world to me. Talking about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on, pull up a seat and we'll figure it out.

• 1:12Dr. John Delony?

  Let's go out to Portland, Oregon and talk to Lizzie. Hey, Lizzie, what's up?

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John. It's nice to meet you.

• 1:19Dr. John Delony?

  You too. Dude, the sun's not even up in Portland right now. Thanks for getting up so early with us.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  You're right about that, Dr. John. You sure are.

• 1:27Dr. John Delony?

  It is early, early squarely out there. What's going on?

• 1:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, basically, the nuts and bolts of my question is that several years ago, when my husband and I got married, we had both had premarital counseling and agreed that, you know, children were on the table. We were seeing eye to eye on that. But over these last several years, it seems that my husband has since changed his mind on that, and it's not really a mix and match kind of situation. So, I'm wondering, you know, how I can essentially live with that and how I can still love and honor him, you know, as the vows that I took, say, to do, despite the fact that that choice has kind of been taken off the table for me.

• 2:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, there's a lot here. Let me address love and honor first, okay? Love and honor doesn't mean you don't get really, really heartbroken.

• 2:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't mean that you don't call out the... What appears on its face, just from me, just hearing how you just described this. The dishonesty, the unwillingness to, like, hang on to previous commitments, right? Like, that's not what that means. And so, feel free to be a human being. You know what I'm saying?

• 2:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:45Dr. John Delony?

  Love and honor, and depending on where you heard those words, sometimes means you're supposed to bury yourself, shove down any feelings, shove down any rational, like, we're doing this thing together and you're supposed to just be the mule in this relationship? Like, all that's nonsense. So, be a full person, all right? Tell me, how much of this is about kids? And how much of this is...

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  And it will help me with where we go with this. How much of this is about you want kids? And you married somebody who also wanted that same dream with you, and they've changed their mind? Which, by the way, happens on a number of different topics, but... Or how much of this is, there's been several things that y'all agreed on and what your life is gonna look like, and none of that stuff is coming true?

• 3:38Speaker 00

  Um, really, it's just this one issue. We see eye to eye on almost everything else. We're very, in a very sort of soulmate relationship. We do everything together. We're one of those couples that would make you go ew.

• 3:52Dr. John Delony?

  Nice.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  So, this is... And that's what's so strange about it, is like, this is the one thing that we haven't... Usually, when we have arguments, and I say arguments loosely, because we argue very logically, so our arguments are weird. But when we have discussions, I should say, rather, we're usually able to come to an agreement or see eye to eye, but this is like the one sticking point where we just can't.

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe it's time to stop being so logical.

• 4:23Dr. John Delony?

  And to sit down and tell your husband that you're heartbroken.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:28Dr. John Delony?

  And that one of the reasons you picked him was because you loved him, but the other... One of the other reasons that you picked him is because you wanted to share this amazing co-mingling thing called having a kid together.

• 4:41Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 4:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:43Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe the logic protects y'all from getting to what really matters in your relationship, which is deep emotional fears, truths, honesty, want, right?

• 4:56Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 4:59Speaker 00

  I'm 41.

• 5:00Dr. John Delony?

  Why'd you laugh?

• 5:00Speaker 00

  That's kind of part of the problem.

• 5:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Why'd you laugh?

• 5:05Speaker 00

  Well, because 41 is a little late to be thinking about this sort of issue.

• 5:10Dr. John Delony?

  Well, but we're here, so, like, what is his reasoning for not wanting to have kids? Just humor me on that.

• 5:17Speaker 00

  Oh, no. It's every reason you could think of, Dr. John. It's everything. It's the fears of not being a good enough parent. It's the fears of what happens if we lose our jobs and we can't provide as well. It's the fears of what if they grow up to be, you know, people that we don't agree with and that the relationship is weird? You know, your children are not guaranteed to love, honor, and respect you. And some of it is health-related, which is kind of goes into my age. You know, he's worried about me being a late-term mom. Like, you know, we did have, when we were first married, the first year or two, we had a couple of miscarriages. And one of those did send me to the hospital.

• 6:02Speaker 00

  Not super, super major, but just, you know... And I think that also really badly scared him. It's, you know, he also grew up without a father himself, so he's afraid that without a role model, he'll just, you know, bungle the whole thing. And, you know, it's pretty much every fear you could imagine or come up with.

• 6:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, I'll mess up the quote to use your word. It's a great word. I'll bungle the quote here, but there's a great C.S. Lewis quote about...

• 6:34Dr. John Delony?

  You literally don't have to accept the risk of love. You can lock yourself away and bury your heart to a degree that nothing can ever get to it.

• 6:48Dr. John Delony?

  And all of the fears your husband put on the table, those are all real. I spent my career sitting in those exact moments with countless people.

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  And...

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  There's no math equation that makes...

• 7:07Dr. John Delony?

  Hugging my 16-year-old last night and playing my 10-year-old daughter in a game of Cover Your Assets, where I finally freaking won. She beats me every time. And we're laughing and trash talking, and my wife comes in and puts her hand on the back of my neck. And, like, there's no algorithm for that either. Seeing your son reach out and help the least of these without being asked. Seeing your daughter hearing reports at church camp where she showed up next to somebody who was hurt. Like, there's no... The well on that is so deep, it's worth that risk a thousand times out of a thousand for me. And so, your husband's done a great job of experiencing pain, the heartache of not having

• 7:51Dr. John Delony?

  a dad, the heartache, and the... I'll tell you, I've been there too. The, "I don't know what's happening during miscarriage, other than my wife is... I can't solve this one." That powerless feeling is something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  But he's experienced those things, and it sounds like he's just decided, "I'm burying my heart."

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  And you can do that. But I would not wish that response on anybody, because it robs you of every good thing in the world. Including, if we're honest, the full connection with his wife, the thing he's trying to preserve.

• 8:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 8:41Dr. John Delony?

  So yeah, like, I'll ask you the hard question I always ask everybody. Is there a chance you're gonna leave over this?

• 8:48Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, so part of it is, I think you have a responsibility to honor him enough with being fully open with him.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  And fully telling him what this means to you.

• 9:05Dr. John Delony?

  And allowing him to grieve with you if y'all have another pregnancy loss. If you, if your doctor says, hey, it's not wise anymore. And we're fully gonna be heartbroken and weep and sob that we had this picture of our lives with little kids running around and then it's not gonna happen.

• 9:22Dr. John Delony?

  That, that living a full life together is not trying to make sure nothing bad ever, ever, ever, ever happens, because then nothing good can ever happen. And then the second part of that is, if he looks at you and says, I, I can't, I won't,

• 9:39Dr. John Delony?

  and you're not gonna leave, then the choice for you is to be honest about your grief and your heartbreak, and to fully metabolize it. Because every day you wake up knowing, I'm not gonna leave, and also this guy's did this to me, is a choice for you to be miserable in this present moment. You get what I'm saying?

• 10:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  And that's hard. It's hard when the person you love and care for and have committed yourself to is also the person who may, is making a unilateral choice that breaks your heart. That's hard.

• 10:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:17Dr. John Delony?

  But otherwise, you, you get right into the resentment cancer, right? Which is, I want something to be different, I'm not gonna do different things, and so I'm just gonna sit here and be upset and angry. And it will, it will obviously poison your marriage, but it will poison you.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 10:35Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And I don't have a good, there's anybody who tries to sell you snake oil that says, oh, here's four steps on dot, dot, there's, there's not that. It's being real sad. It's writing letters to the kids that you didn't have. It's writing letters to the kids, if y'all chose to name them, the ones that were lost in miscarriage. It shows to do the hard gritty work of creating a new picture of y'all at 60, and you've got nieces and nephews over, but not none of your own kids.

• 11:07Dr. John Delony?

  It's just hard gritty work. And there may always be a little hole in your heart, or a big hole in your heart.

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  But it's owning, like, this is a choice I'm making. I'm choosing to stay in this relationship. I made a commitment, even though my partner changed their mind on a major thing with us. I'm in. I'm gonna show up as the person I wanna be, but I, I have permission to have my heart broken.

• 11:33Dr. John Delony?

  I wish, I wish I had something that I, I would, the only thing I could think to do right now is to hug you, but you're not here. Because I hate this for you. And I hate the, the pain he's been through too, right? I hate that too.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  I do too.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Because I know that's a big part of it for him.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  What does a non-logical conversation look like in your home?

• 11:55Speaker 00

  Well, um, I mean, this is, this is something I would say we've had a less logical discussion about, um, just because when my feelings come out, it, I wouldn't say heated, but just, I, I have said some things to him that I, that I regret.

• 12:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, write it down. I want you to write him the letter and read it to him.

• 12:15Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 12:16Dr. John Delony?

  That's the way I've managed, I've got big emotions, and I'm pretty quick, um, with words, and my wife is a much slower processor and much more thoughtful, and I can run over her in meetings and run over her with big feelings. And so, that going back to the word honor, it's my job to say something in a way that she can best hear it. And I've found that writing it down, and reading it, and then dealing with what I've read, that gives me time to edit and to process, and it gives me a couple of days to say, like, I don't wanna say it like that, I don't wanna say it like this. But that's been a helpful tool for me.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Hmm. Yeah, that sounds good. When, when we've discussed it before, we pretty much have this conversation every year that I get older.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  And generally what comes out of it is, I mean, he, that's the thing, he's my ride or die. He is, he is amazing in every other way. And the last time we had this conversation, like, earlier this year, um, he said, you know, if that's what it takes to keep you, I'll do it. Like, he would, he would, if I bully him into it, but I don't wanna do that.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  No, that's, yeah.

• 13:26Speaker 00

  It's not the right thing to do.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm using the word coward with a smile on my face, not like how I usually use it on the show, but that's a kind of a wimpy thing to do. Right? To like, alright, I, I've told you that I'm scared, but if, if you wanna drag me through this, then so be, that's, I mean, you can't bring a life into the world with that kind of, you know what I mean? That's tough.

• 13:45Speaker 00

  Exactly.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so I think circling back and having the conversation, but again, I, I don't know what benefit to you personally, to the relationship, like, y'all seem to be at an impasse. And you're 41, having the once and for all, let's make a call on this deal.

• 14:06Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe have a big conversation and then a commitment five days later with a date on the calendar already that we're gonna circle back and give everybody some time to breathe and think and be thoughtful about what they wanna do next.

• 14:18Speaker 00

  Hmm. Okay.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

• 14:24Dr. John Delony?

  But there's not, there's not an easy path in this one, I'm sorry. I wish you guys the best in the, the, the further conversations, but when it comes down to that idea of resentment, if you're gonna choose to stay, don't resign yourself. Take ownership. I'm choosing to stay. I'm choosing to be with this person, and I'm choosing, as a, as a result of his decision, to put to bed my dreams of, of being a mom. And so here's the grief that's gonna come with that, here's the new picture of what our 50s and 60s are gonna look like and 70s are gonna look like, and here's the things we're gonna have to do to be intentional, to have a full life, minus having our own kids. Thanks for the call. It was, it was an honor to talk to you.

• 15:06Dr. John Delony?

  We come back, a man asks how to support his wife through their son's aggression without losing their marriage. We'll be right back.

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

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• 16:24Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

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• 17:44Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Like or subscribe and share all the things. Let's go to Louisville, Kentucky and talk to Chris. Hey, Chris, what's up, man?

• 17:53Speaker 02

  That was a good try.

• 17:54Dr. John Delony?

  I try, dude, I'm trying so hard, man. I get it wrong, I get it wrong every time. What's up?

• 18:02Speaker 02

  I just wanted to get some advice. My son has level two autism, and when he has a meltdown, he's extremely aggressive.

• 18:10Dr. John Delony?

  How old is he?

• 18:12Speaker 02

  He's turning four this year.

• 18:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 18:16Speaker 02

  And it's, um, it's really putting a strain on my marriage, and it's making our house feel extremely heavy.

• 18:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 18:28Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the, well, and this is, this is gonna escalate, right? As he gets bigger and stronger, right?

• 18:36Speaker 02

  That's what I'm worried about.

• 18:37Dr. John Delony?

  What's, um, do y'all have a, have y'all met with providers to talk through what a, what a plan looks like?

• 18:44Speaker 02

  We are, um, we're just, we're on a waitlist.

• 18:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 18:50Dr. John Delony?

  A waitlist for a plan or waitlist for that conversation?

• 18:55Speaker 02

  A waitlist to get into some ABA therapies.

• 18:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, yikes.

• 19:01Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man, I'm so sorry. Tell me about your marriage, dude. Does your wife think you're not doing it right or that you're not handling things? What like what what's the struggle y'all experiencing?

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Um, my wife is amazing, the closest thing to a saint that there is on the planet. She's a fantastic mother. Um, I just feel horrible for her because she's having to deal with this all on her own. While I'm at work.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  And I come home and she's got bite marks. She's got scratches on her face and she's just, she's burnt out.

• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  And I get home and I help where I can. I clean, I I feed the baby, I play with my son. And it just doesn't feel like I can provide her enough of what she needs.

• 19:51Dr. John Delony?

  What if she told you she wants?

• 19:55Speaker 02

  She she won't say what she needs. Um, because she feels that guilt and resentment if she takes some time to go away. She feels like she won't be able to or that she can't handle it if she leaves.

• 20:11Dr. John Delony?

  But she can't. And it may be the most loving thing you can do is to free her the best you can, right? At the end of the day, she could, she's going to hold on to that ski rope if she wants to keep getting dragged behind the boat. But at some point, you look at her and say, you're an amazing mom and this is too much.

• 20:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:30Dr. John Delony?

  Or asking a mom to be responsible for any sort of severing or transitioning of the relationship with her four year old is, it's a nightmare proposition. And it may be the hardest thing you do is to step in between that gap and say, I'm going to make some hard choices here. I'm going to hire some help to come in here for four or five hours a day.

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  That we probably can't afford. But I can't come home and see my wife bitten and scratched. Because you can't handle it. It's it's a different level of care and it's not about love and it's not about, I'm going to will my way through it. It's about, we don't have the resources or the expertise to deal with this particular challenge.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Right?

• 21:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 21:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I feel that.

• 21:14Dr. John Delony?

  In in a like, let me, this may be a horrible analogy. Um,

• 21:20Dr. John Delony?

  imagine you had a four year old with a really big cut on his leg, like a big open wound.

• 21:27Dr. John Delony?

  And every day you came home and she had blood on her, she had, um, like she'd slipped and fallen, like it was just a mess. And if she looked at you and said, I don't want to send him to the doctor, I don't want to bring in home nursing care for like, I want to love him, like, I don't want to feel like I can't do this. Both of you would recognize, oh, we we don't have the skills for this. This exceeds our ability to love in the capacity that we know how to do it.

• 21:55Dr. John Delony?

  That'd be a no brainer. And so this is, this is similar. Um,

• 22:01Dr. John Delony?

  except there's, it's just a different challenge.

• 22:07Speaker 02

  And I do what I can and when when he's good, he's he's fantastic.

• 22:11Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 22:12Speaker 02

  He's amazing. We're we're on the ground. We're playing, we're having a fun time.

• 22:17Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  It's just that that small 10% where it just goes nuclear. And I feel like an absolute failure as a husband and father that I can't help her, I can't help him.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  Just, uh,

• 22:33Dr. John Delony?

  Where does that, where does that voice of failure come from?

• 22:38Speaker 02

  Oh, I've had it for a long time, but it probably comes from, uh, my dad as a kid.

• 22:48Speaker 02

  I got it just so.

• 22:52Dr. John Delony?

  I I I hate that that's the voice in your mind because what I'm hearing is a pretty great husband and a great father.

• 23:00Speaker 02

  Oh, thanks, man. I'm I'm doing the best I can.

• 23:02Dr. John Delony?

  I know. You're not a failure in any shape, form or fashion. Okay?

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  And if if nothing else, um, I I I like to envision.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say it this way, it's going to sound really, um, ethereal and probably mumbo jumbo or woo woo or whatever. Okay? Um, the practice I want you to engage in. And the only way I've been able to be successful at this personally is writing it down. I know other people don't have to write it down. I do because I'm I'm I'm pretty messy up in my head sometimes. But the thoughts you think, the voice you hear.

• 23:46Dr. John Delony?

  The you should have's and I can't believe you didn't and what kind of loser and what kind of husband, what kind of dad, those voices. A are not you.

• 24:00Dr. John Delony?

  And so getting to the root, and it sounds like you may have gotten to the root of some of them. Who whose voice is that? Who said that? You know what I mean? And the second important thing is they're rarely true.

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so I used to, um, back in the early days, like really try to pull them apart and fight them. I don't do that anymore. I don't have the time and energy for that. And quite honestly, it doesn't work. Um, what I've made peace for is I consider a lot of those voices, like I think of my, again, this, this may be peeling back my psychology more than anybody else's. There's four or five people sitting around a table constantly barking at me. And if I look at it like four or five of my close friends. Like if I think of Trevor and Todd and John and Craig and Puts and Caleb, if I think of those guys. If Caleb says something, I roll my eyes almost always.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  Because I've been that guy for more than 45 years. Right? And that guy would burn down a building on my behalf and he says crazy things. And so when that failure voice kicks up, recognizing it like being like, oh, there you go. Almost with a smile or an annoyance, not a this is truth etched into stone. And I'm letting, I'm whispering into your ear, you're a failure.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  I, yeah, I I've been trying to do the thing where I've literally out loud just, no, no.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Not doing that, not doing it. And my wife thinks I'm crazy.

• 25:38Dr. John Delony?

  Good, good.

• 25:40Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, it's still just even deeper than that. It's like, ah, man, I I still believe it.

• 25:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Let's take action. Okay?

• 25:52Dr. John Delony?

  What does hiring two hours of care in the middle of the day look like?

• 25:59Speaker 02

  Luckily, we have a really good village with us right now.

• 26:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Um, my my in-laws help, my parents help, her, her sisters help, my sister helps.

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  Do they have the skills to to manage some of the the major outburst?

• 26:16Speaker 02

  They do. My, um, my sister and my mom are both, um, teacher assistants. So they're very well.

• 26:24Dr. John Delony?

  Extraordinary.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  Into that system.

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  Extraordinary. So sitting down with your wife and saying, I'm proposing a plan where three or four days a week, you're out of the house for two to three hours.

• 26:40Dr. John Delony?

  So that so.

• 26:43Speaker 02

  Sorry, go ahead.

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  So that she can be in service to herself. Refill herself up with whatever she wants to do, walk around the neighborhood, go get coffee and read a book, go exercise, any number of things she wants to do. So that she can get back to the work that she feels called to do, which is be there in support of everybody.

• 27:03Dr. John Delony?

  But nobody is a is a is, nobody can hold water if there's a hole in the bottom of the pitcher, right?

• 27:10Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 27:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so you showing up and saying, this is the best way you can love our son. This is the best way you can love our our baby. This is the best way you can love me. And most importantly, it's the best way you can love yourself so that you can do the thing you really want to do, which is love everybody. Um, minimum of three, I would like it to be five days a week. Um, and you say for the first month, I'll take the the scheduling, I'll call people and figure it out.

• 27:34Speaker 02

  Okay. Yeah, I can do that.

• 27:36Dr. John Delony?

  And let her push back on you and there will be tears and there will be frustrations and there will be, she'll have to deal with her own voices, right? If you're a real mom, you wouldn't dot, dot, dot, and I can't believe you're abandoning your, all that stuff. All the that awful evil language she's got going around in her, in her, in her body, in her mind, in her spirit, like,

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  it's not you, those aren't your voices to fix, but I'll sit here with you while you have them. I'm not scared of them because they're not true.

• 28:06Dr. John Delony?

  And then that first, that first knock on the door from your sister, from your mom, from a neighbor, from whoever. And if she'll do this for a couple of weeks, she'll begin to exhale and really look forward to those moments.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  Okay, alright, I like that.

• 28:25Dr. John Delony?

  And then if it can be a full-time job of just become the persistent, over-annoying, I will knock on every door until you get my kid in.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  I've been disgusting with it.

• 28:37Dr. John Delony?

  Good.

• 28:37Speaker 02

  I'm the biggest advocate for my boy. I love him so much.

• 28:40Dr. John Delony?

  Good, good, good, good. And if he's at a public school, they may have resources where they have to have to take him, and they have to provide some support.

• 28:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're looking into that as well.

• 28:52Dr. John Delony?

  Good, good.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  Do you have any suggestions on me and her getting plugged back in together?

• 29:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Because I feel like we're constantly focusing on him, helping him. At the end of the day, I feel the pull to just, oh, I'm gonna go to bed earlier.

• 29:11Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Hop on my phone, and I don't want to do either of those.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, y'all gotta get away for a half-day and reimagine your whole marriage. Y'all have a different marriage now.

• 29:23Dr. John Delony?

  Start to finish, soup to nuts, like, how do we want our house to feel at nine o'clock?

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  And what must be true for us to get there? And maybe you need bedtime support, maybe you need a family member to come over for an hour at bedtime.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:38Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you're doing bedtime, you'll alternate Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And I'll take him on this day, you take him on that day, because we've got to be there for each other.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  And being able to say out loud, "I miss you, I miss laughing, I miss dates, I miss, I miss, I miss." And I'll tell you, it's profoundly difficult. Like, when I sit with parents who are telling me they have a special needs kid, the first thing I say is, "The number-one priority for y'all is to stay married."

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Hundred percent.

• 30:12Dr. John Delony?

  Because that the needs of a special needs child will absorb every ounce of thought, energy, resources, finances, all of it. Unless there's like a stake in the ground, saying, "We will stay married and we will like each other above all." And then we'll figure out what comes next.

• 30:31Dr. John Delony?

  And every couple's different, man. Like, every single couple's different. On what brings their secret world life. And y'all getting away and just saying, "Okay, this isn't the life we drew up, this isn't what we dreamed of, this isn't, we need to grieve the life we thought we were gonna have? And this is the one we got, and so how do we make this the best possible life, given the significant challenges we're gonna have forever?"

• 30:56Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 30:59Dr. John Delony?

  And are there some planning things out there? Special needs trust, a fund, a, "We're gonna put a little bit more money in savings, I'm gonna need to get a new job, because we're gonna put a little bit more money in savings so that our youngest will be able to be a good steward of this pot of money to take care of big brother." Like, there's all kinds of those things, that you begin to get those things down on paper. They don't take away the acuity of the pain right now, and the frustration, and the outburst, but you begin to, your body begins to settle in, "I've done the things that are within my control. I can take care of these things." And you and your wife getting away, and just saying, "Okay, we got a new marriage. How do I want this house to feel, and let's reverse engineer and start from there."

• 31:44Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it's not out yet. I guess it's the first public announcement I'm making. In a month or two, I've been working on this for three and a half years, but the annual marriage kit is finally gonna be available. It's the coolest thing I've ever worked on, ever, ever, ever. It is the actual annual retreat guide that my wife and I use, and then it's a monthly check-in. I've made videos with it. It's got, it's just rad. It's the coolest thing I've ever, ever been a part of. But it will be out in a month and a half. It's not public yet, it's not ready, but that will be a cool thing for y'all to take and to have. And so, keep an eye on the show when we start launching it, or on social media when we start launching it, but it's gonna be a pretty amazing, amazing thing.

• 32:28Dr. John Delony?

  Also, hang on the line, I'm gonna hook you up with a year of the Together app for you and your wife. Y'all can use that. After y'all have your retreat, this will be an awesome thing that y'all can plug in and begin working together to make sure, beyond, or before, any and everything, we are locked in together, so that

• 32:46Dr. John Delony?

  our kids, especially the ones with significant needs, can get the love and care and support they need. You're a good man, dude. Nowhere in the world are you a failure. You're a good, good man. And your kids are lucky to have you in their life. We come back, a woman asks if it's normal to crave safe, physical affection after years without it. We'll be right back.

• 33:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we've got less than 90 days until the full weight of the holiday season is upon us. And you know how it goes. Every year, as the calendar starts filling up, you tell yourself, "I'm not gonna let the holiday madness get to me this year. I'm gonna slow down and actually enjoy the holidays. I'm gonna actually be present, not just physically in whatever room I happen to find myself in." And then, you're racing around to dinners, parties, kids' activities, it's madness, and you're drained, and the holidays become a burden. I've done the same thing. But here's one thing I've learned. One of the best ways you can slow down and work on being present, long before the holiday season hits, is staying grounded in your spiritual life.

• 33:56Dr. John Delony?

  Hallow is the number-one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and I use it almost every day of my life for that very reason, to ground myself in my spiritual life, in my spiritual practices. Some mornings, it's five minutes on the drive to work, some nights, it's a sleep prayer before bed. Whatever the moment is, Hallow helps me practice presence. Before the holidays takes everything from us and makes us all super busy, I'm gonna stay committed, and I'm gonna invite you to stay committed, to practice being present with Hallow. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/daloni. Start now, and Hallow will be free for you to try through the holiday season. That's hallow.com/daloni.

• 34:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Toronto, Ontario, let's talk to Grace. Hey Grace, what's up?

• 34:49Speaker 03

  Uh, not much. Well, quite a bit, but I only have one question, so.

• 34:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let it rip. What's going on?

• 34:56Speaker 03

  All right, is it okay if I give you just a very brief preamble to understand my question?

• 35:00Dr. John Delony?

  I love preambles.

• 35:02Speaker 03

  Okay, all right, so here goes. So, growing up, there was little to no affection, like, physical affection shown in my house. And in my teen years, I experienced a bit of sexual harassment and sexual assault at one point. And all that to say, I've been incredibly uncomfortable with touch for most of my life, and I've kind of been known as somebody who doesn't like to be touched. Like, I'm just known for that. However, the last few years of my life, I've been coming and going to and from Uganda, and the culture around physical touch there has dramatically changed how I feel about it. Over time, all the hand-holding, and the hugging, and the constant baby-wearing, ended up being like incredibly healing for my nervous system. And so, now and ever I'm home, I find myself really missing regular, safe touch.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  To put it into perspective, the vast majority of physical affection I've received within the last year has been at like other airport drop-offs, or my grandfather, my dad's funeral. I just, I really miss living in a world where touch isn't either suspicious, or reserved for bad news and big events. And so, all this to say, is this normal, or is it weird and creepy? And is there anything I can do to change how I feel?

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  God, that's such a beautiful way to put that. That was a great preamble.

• 36:12Speaker 03

  Thank you, I'm very nervous.

• 36:13Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, no, that was excellent.

• 36:18Dr. John Delony?

  Bottom line, like, bottom, bottom, bottom line is,

• 36:23Dr. John Delony?

  human beings will die without touch.

• 36:26Dr. John Delony?

  And that's one of several reasons why assault, why disordered attachments with primary caregivers is so devastating, because it's like making oxygen poisonous. Or it's like, it's like making water poisonous. You can't live without it.

• 36:48Speaker 03

  Right.

• 36:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so, you had a situation, which is like one of those cool, life-changing moments for you, where you got to feel safe, loving, connected touch. And tell me if this rings true to you, it was probably the first time in your life you were touched, where you didn't feel like somebody wanted something from you.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:10Dr. John Delony?

  And there's something really powerful about that kind of touch?

• 37:15Dr. John Delony?

  Where there wasn't any hint of ulterior motive?

• 37:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  So, no, you're not crazy, at all, ever. And

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  the way you articulate that, "I don't want it to be creepy, and I don't want it to be only reserved for bad news", that's such a beautiful way to put that. But it does put you in a challenging situation, which is, there's no way forward without very calculated, but intentional risk.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  So, what is your romantic life look like?

• 37:55Speaker 03

  Um, well, right now, I'm single, so it's, that's not, like, important right now. Um, I guess just to give like a little bit more context, like, obviously, the sexual assaults have happened, and that was awful, and I feel like I've really worked through all that. But even more so is, like, growing up, my dad was very sick, and so, the only time we hugged or anything was when it was like, "Oh, this is probably gonna be the last time, you might not see him again, you have to say goodbye."

• 38:26Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 38:27Speaker 03

  And so, it's, as much as, I feel like I've really moved past a lot of the feeling suspicious, I feel like my time in a different country has really helped heal that. But the one I'm really struggling to get past is like, I feel like with my friends and family here, I don't know how to be casual about it, because it's, yeah.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  There's one way forward. And that is to feel not casual, and to do it anyway.

• 38:55Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:56Dr. John Delony?

  And when you feel your body tense up, exhale, and drop your shoulders intentionally on purpose.

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  Those internal tightening, every muscle tightening up your chest, tightening up your arms, the lower back tightening consciously, that's your body just trying to brace, protect.

• 39:19Dr. John Delony?

  And you feeling that and then doing it, doing it anyway.

• 39:25Dr. John Delony?

  You'll begin to, especially with close friends, close family, people you love and care about. Think of it this way, um, not only is something not quote unquote, wrong with you, but think about it this way, your body's working perfect.

• 39:42Dr. John Delony?

  So your body just put a GPS pin in touch when you were a kid.

• 39:50Dr. John Delony?

  And it's the same as if you're driving with the Waze app right now, I don't know if you'll have it in Ontario, but you're driving with like a map app and it tells you there's a pothole here.

• 40:02Dr. John Delony?

  Like, great, cool, I'm gonna keep driving, right?

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:06Dr. John Delony?

  I might, I might pay a little bit extra attention, I'm gonna keep driving, I'm gonna go to where I want to go. And so your body's just trying to take care of you because it's been there before. And what you, the, the healing is, you, you may have healed intellectually, you may have healed emotionally, but now it's time to heal physically. And some of that will start with you changing your own story about yourself, which is, I'm a person who doesn't like touch. And some of the discombobulation you probably feel is a lived experience that's different from the identity you've announced to the world for the last however many years.

• 40:40Speaker 03

  Right. I think, yeah, that rings very true. It's like I've presented myself as somebody for so long, so then to come back from being away and just present myself as a new person feels very strange.

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  Is it, what's strange? Does it feel, because that's what wisdom is, that's what, that's what, that's why we, that's why we listen to podcasts and read books and have conversations with people we disagree with, because that's how you learn, right? And you've learned something amazing about yourself, which could be like this ray of light for everyone around you who hasn't known how to love you for so many years. And now it's like, oh, this is, this is Grace 5.0, game on, I'm a hugger now, right?

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:23Dr. John Delony?

  Versus, you used to be this way and you're not allowed to be this way. Like, man, I don't know whose story that is, man, but screw that old story. Because you found freedom.

• 41:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  And now it's just a matter of practicing freedom.

• 41:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, this is how I handle things like this. It's not for everybody, my wife would never handle it like this, I've got friends who would never handle it like this, but I would walk into a house and be like, I'm hugging everybody and I would just announce it, this is happening, you know what I mean? And mostly for myself, but, um, like if I'm trying to do a hard thing, I just, I just announce it.

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  You know, like, I'm, I'm not, this is the way this is gonna be.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Right. I guess my, my hesitation there is like, if someone were to do that to me when I was in that position, I would have been like very uncomfortable. And so I want to be sensitive about not putting people in the same uncomfortable position that I would have been in back when I felt that way.

• 42:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so imagine this like you're walking into a house.

• 42:30Dr. John Delony?

  And before anybody says anything, you go and take all of their purses and backpacks and bags and coats from them and hold them, just in case they may have had a shoulder injury one time.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:45Dr. John Delony?

  Let them be adults and let them be responsible for their bodies. You've been carrying everybody else's weight for far too long.

• 42:59Dr. John Delony?

  And by trying to protect everybody from any potential maybe-ish, could be, I don't know, you're robbing them of your full you.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so where, where the act of generosity comes in is if you know somebody's doesn't like touch, great, I'm gonna, I'm gonna fist bump them, that's awesome.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  If you hug somebody and you feel them tense up, I'm gonna remember that, I'm gonna make this a really quick, I'm not gonna try to hug through their tension, right? Like, you know.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  Right, right, yeah.

• 43:36Dr. John Delony?

  And that's hospitality.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's hospitality.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  And that's kindness. And that's not you looking at them being like, oh, what, really, you won't hug me? No, I'm not gonna be a jerk like that.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, of course.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's not who you are.

• 43:56Dr. John Delony?

  But don't rob people of you, Grace, you're awesome. You've had this life-changing experience.

• 44:03Dr. John Delony?

  You're a beacon of hope of what, of what, what life and love and safe touch and laughter and warmth feel like.

• 44:19Dr. John Delony?

  Give that to yourself and give that to those that you love and care about.

• 44:23Dr. John Delony?

  And trust your body. When it starts to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, this guy's hanging on a little too long, cool, I'm not hugging you anymore, weirdo. Or, or, yeesh, I kinda liked it, kinda liked it, it's kinda awesome, right? Could be both, could be both.

• 44:38Dr. John Delony?

  But I, man, I'm, I'm excited for you and what the world's offering you. We're gonna practice, we're gonna feel that tension and then we're gonna lean through it. We've thought about it, we've felt it, now we're gonna go do it. And man, you're gonna, yes, you're not crazy for wanting safe touch, that makes you human 101. Amazing. Thanks for the call, sister, I'm proud of you, I'm proud of you.

• 45:03Dr. John Delony?

  Go love well, we'll be right back.

• 45:06Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? Dr. John Deloney here. All right, you know this to be true and I know this to be true. You can love your spouse madly and still wake up feeling less like a couple and more like roommates. Life gets busy, work, kids, bills take over, there's so much pressure on a modern marriage. And that's why Rachel Cruz and I created the Money and Marriage Getaway, so couples have a space for intentional time away together. This is three days in Nashville, Tennessee to grow your communication, deepen your intimacy, and strengthen your connection together as a married couple. We're covering the tough stuff like getting past physical insecurities, getting on the

• 45:48Dr. John Delony?

  same page about sex and money, dreaming up the future you both want and so much more. Our getaway weekend is coming up, October 22nd through 24th. Tickets start at $849 a couple. Get your tickets today at ramsysolutions.com/events or by clicking the link in the show notes. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 46:09Speaker 04

  All right, so before I start on this one, um, we are adding something new to the am I the problems that we're very excited about. We want your voicemails. So in addition, you can still send your email in, we'll take that, love it, still great. But we want you to call in to 844-96, so, sorry, 844-693, I was off for the last four days.

• 46:33Dr. John Delony?

  Nice numbers.

• 46:33Speaker 04

  Brains aren't, brains aren't working yet.

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly's good with numbers.

• 46:36Speaker 04

  No, she's not, which is why she does this, it's not something numbery. All right, 844-693-3291. Call in, give us your voicemail, things to think about, I need your name and the location. I don't care if it's really yours or not, how would I know? Some name, some location.

• 46:54Dr. John Delony?

  Give a fake name and location.

• 46:55Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 46:56Dr. John Delony?

  The fatter the name, the better.

• 46:57Speaker 04

  And we only want first names anyway, that's, we only use first names. And, um, make sure when you call in, after you tell us right up for, right, this is for, um, am I the problem? So that way, because we get a, I get a transcript of it and that way I know and I can put it in the right folder. Keep it to about 60 seconds, know that we may have to edit it if we need to for brevity. And it has to be a problem that you can talk about without additional context.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  Perfect. I'll make up the context if I need to.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, if we need to, we have no problem with that whatsoever. But it can't be like a, something that would be like a 15-minute call, it has to be something short and sweet, much like this one that I'm gonna read right now.

• 47:33Dr. John Delony?

  Rip it.

• 47:33Speaker 04

  From Lizzie in Calhoun, Georgia.

• 47:36Dr. John Delony?

  But I want to add one thing, if you want us to put somebody in your life on blast, give us their full name and even cell number, we'll drop that too.

• 47:43Speaker 04

  No, we will not do that in any, I'm looking right in the camera, we will not do that in any way. If John does that, I will cut it out.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then you can come see me live and I will make sure they're, we're doing this the right way. Okay, go ahead.

• 47:56Speaker 04

  All right, so this is from Lizzie in Calhoun, Georgia, and she writes, "My husband's grandma invited herself over to spend the night at our house so she could attend our kids' first trail race. The night before, she was talking about a girl my cousin is interested in. She was talking about how, how she is so sweet and how she's so involved in their church and she teaches children. She then turns to me and says, actually, she reminds me a lot of you." Just as I started to say, oh, thank you, she cuts me off and says, no, no, I'm sorry, she's heavy like you are.

• 48:30Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, God.

• 48:31Speaker 04

  She wears short skirts and she has these massive thighs, so it doesn't look good.

• 48:38Speaker 04

  Then she moved on to the, in the conversation. My husband sat there and didn't say anything. Am I the problem for being upset and wishing that he had said something to her?

• 48:48Dr. John Delony?

  No, here's why, your husband's shorts are too short, evidently. I'm just kidding. Yes. God, that's harsh, man.

• 48:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, real harsh.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  Dang, Gina, that's.

• 48:59Speaker 04

  Oh, no, no, not the nice part.

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 49:03Speaker 04

  Well, Grandma.

• 49:04Dr. John Delony?

  Dang, Grandma. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what you're gonna do.

• 49:10Speaker 04

  No, but I mean, he probably should have said like, hey, that's not okay.

• 49:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, totally. That was, it was about, it was his mom saying that about him?

• 49:21Speaker 04

  It was his grandma.

• 49:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I mean, what are you gonna do?

• 49:25Speaker 04

  I know, it's, but when you add in the grandma part, it makes it.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  What are you gonna do? Grandma'll say, that's the beauty of being a grandma, you can just say crazy stuff. You know what I mean? Like, you get to say whatever you want and I, I, yeah, no, nobody, yeah, she should not have said that. And, and there's nothing you're gonna do about it and so.

• 49:44Speaker 04

  Right, because she's not gonna change.

• 49:46Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 49:46Speaker 04

  No, but.

• 49:48Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, I guess you could disinvite Grandma for, you can do that, but, I don't know. That's awful, dude.

• 49:56Speaker 04

  I mean, I think at the, I mean, he could have said something like, I happen to think my wife is gorgeous, you know, or something along that line.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  He's, she said that about his wife?

• 50:05Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 50:05Dr. John Delony?

  I thought she said it about him.

• 50:07Speaker 04

  No, she said it about, about his wife.

• 50:09Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, hell no, yes!

• 50:10Speaker 04

  Okay, now we're there.

• 50:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, no, you gotta say, no, no, Grandma, no.

• 50:15Speaker 04

  No, she said it about her because Lizzie, who wrote in, because she said, oh, she reminds me of you.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I thought she was saying about her grandson.

• 50:23Speaker 04

  No, I don't think he wears short skirts.

• 50:24Dr. John Delony?

  If anybody, I don't care if it's the Pope, if anybody talks bad about my wife, they're gonna hear from me. So yes, you gotta, you're gonna start a fight with your grandmother, but yes, you gotta get involved there, 100%. And Grandma's not gonna change.

• 50:42Speaker 04

  Exactly, she's still not gonna change.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, defend your wife, man. Even if you do it laughingly or with a joke or whatever, or with sensitivity, because it's your grandma, man, you gotta be there for your wife.

• 50:54Dr. John Delony?

  And dude, stop wearing short shorts.

• 50:57Dr. John Delony?

  That was a wrong call, bye.