Caller: “My Fiancée Wants a Hysterectomy”

💬 Tired of having the same arguments with your spouse? Get Dr. John Delony's Conflict Game Plan On today’s episode, we hear about: A man grappling with his fiancée’s decision to get a hysterectomy A man wondering if he should expose his brother’s affairs A woman struggling to feel satisfied with her life Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: https://ter.li/l3b369p1 💬 Get the Free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters 00:00 Intro 01:10 Will I Resent My Fiancée After This 20:38 Should I Expose My Brother’s Affairs? 34:58 Why Am I Never Satisfied With My Life? Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  My fiance is looking to have a hysterectomy sometime next year. But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child. But the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes.

• 0:32Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all are engaged. When are y'all getting married?

• 0:39Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls. Real people going through real life stuff in their marriages, their dating relationships with their kids, with their kids' schools, with their workplace, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you click the link in the show notes and we'll get you on. Let's go to Minneapolis, Minnesota and talk to TOM. What's up, Tom?

• 1:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, man. So my story is that my fiance is looking to have a hysterectomy sometime next year. But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child. Um, but the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes. Um, you know, she's already gone so much for us already. She actually originally didn't want to have kids, but we do have two of our own. But again, at the same time, how do I make peace with that?

• 1:51Dr. John Delony?

  So let me make sure you and I have the same picture in our head. You all are together. How long have y'all been together?

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Three years.

• 2:00Dr. John Delony?

  Three years. Okay. How many kids do y'all have in three years?

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Two.

• 2:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Were they both planned or were they both like whoopsie doos? How'd they come along?

• 2:10Speaker 01

  The latter.

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  The latter. Okay. Um, and so y'all are engaged. When are y'all getting married?

• 2:18Speaker 01

  Uh, whenever I'm done with school. Uh, that is, and I am looking to graduate sometime next year.

• 2:24Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. Okay. We'll talk, we'll put a pin in that one because I'm going to peer pressure you, but we'll do that later. Okay. Cause that's not what you call. Um, right.

• 2:33Dr. John Delony?

  So the first two, tell me about the first two pregnancies. Were they tough, smooth, scary, nervous, all of it?

• 2:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, they were tough. Um, you know, just me being nervous. I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave out some details and she's probably going to watch the playback and say, you didn't say this.

• 2:47Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good, man.

• 2:48Speaker 01

  Uh, but, uh, essentially they were both tough. Uh, they both have health issues. Um, and also she also went through some pretty, pretty hard postpartum. Um, and so, you know, I, I totally respect that. Um, my thing is that I wanted to try for a kid more so to see if we could get a boy. But, you know, at the same time, I'm like, this is her body. I want to respect that and I want to honor that and cherish her, her decision on having the hysterectomy.

• 3:22Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. And this doesn't super matter, but for me it kind of does. It will give me some additional context. Um, is she having an elective hysterectomy or does she have fibrosis and/or endometriosis? Does she have challenges that doctors have said, hey, this is coming sooner rather than later?

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, good question. She, she thought that she had PCOS. Uh huh. So she did actually go under, um, but the doctors found nothing.

• 3:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Um, and so she has very debilitating periods and she's just like, I've, I've just kind of had it. I just wanted hysterectomy.

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 4:00Dr. John Delony?

  Um, has she had that conversation with her OB-GYN?

• 4:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Great. The crux of the question for me is you had this picture of your life where you had a baby boy. You had a son.

• 4:12Speaker 01

  Right.

• 4:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And you're the person that you've had two kids with your fiance. Um, she has said, hey, I'm, I'm going to be done having children.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're wrestling with, I want to honor her. It's her body. It's her choice, all that stuff. But also, um, I have a dream of us making a life together. And a part of the picture I had in my head of what that life would look like included a third kid.

• 4:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. And you know, even if the kid doesn't turn out to be a boy and, you know, we pop out another girl, I'd be happy.

• 4:46Dr. John Delony?

  Of course.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  Either way.

• 4:47Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Um, so how can I help you? You just, are you wrestling with, how do you make peace? Are you wrestling with, do you think there's some secret conversation you could have to change your mind? Like, what are you wrestling with?

• 4:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, man.

• 4:59Dr. John Delony?

  Or is it just grief? Is it just grief? I had this picture of my life and that picture's going to be different and I want to be the best guy moving forward.

• 5:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, great point. I, you know, honestly, I think it could be all three. You know, I had imagination that, you know, for the longest time, maybe like in a high school year, college years, I said to myself, I'd be happy if I have at least one boy, one girl. I have two amazing little girls. Um, but also at the same time, it's kind of also, well, that it's kind of,

• 5:33Speaker 01

  it's kind of not making that imagination come true, right?

• 5:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 5:36Speaker 01

  But also at the same time, um, yeah, I guess I'm really just lost at, you know, making peace with that. It's never, it probably won't come true.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Well, and, and how old are you?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  I'm 33. She is 28.

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  28, okay.

• 6:00Dr. John Delony?

  I also get a sense, again, always, always, every caller I tell this to, but you, I'm talking to you. So tell me if I'm out of line here, if I'm wrong. Okay. Um, but I, I get this sense that for you, real life, grown up life starts after I graduate. And there's something unnerving about already putting a period at the end of a sentence before your quote unquote, real life really gets cooking.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  Yeah. I, yeah, I think you hit the nail on the spot there.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so what I would challenge you on is your real life is right now.

• 6:39Dr. John Delony?

  It's been going.

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 6:42Dr. John Delony?

  Getting a degree or getting a new degree or a graduate degree, that's a cool like marker on this marathon you're running called life. But your life's already started. And so if you back out and say, three years ago, I met this amazing woman. She got pregnant and we had this amazing girl and then we had another amazing girl. Like we've been doing this amazing life. We, we've, we've contracted a ton of life change in 36 months, right? Like a lot. Um, but we've been doing life this whole time.

• 7:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you back up three years, back to that time horizon and say, if somebody had asked you after you graduate, hey, you're going to marry this girl. You like her, you're going to be with her forever and y'all are going to build this amazing life together. And you're going to have two healthy kids. You'd love it if it was a boy. You get what I'm saying? Like if you change your time horizon, your picture shifts too.

• 7:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:41Dr. John Delony?

  But there's something about metabolizing, like the, those two little girls don't care if you have a degree or not. You're dad, man.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Right. Yeah, I'm, I work remotely, so I'm able to be there whenever, however, I spend a lot of time with them. I give them like 102% every day.

• 8:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome.

• 8:00Speaker 01

  I love those two Asian little girls.

• 8:02Dr. John Delony?

  That's amazing. Um, and I love to hear dad say that, brother. That's so cool. Um, my challenge for you would be is this, um, like when it comes to finances and when it comes to degrees in college and stuff, my rule of thumb and it, I come at it differently than most, but there's a, it's legal, it's economic. Um, and I'm a person of faith and so there, I do have a faith component to it. But when, anytime somebody's asking me about how do I plan my life, like down the road? I always tell them, you take care of your life and your friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, they take care of their life.

• 8:46Dr. John Delony?

  And when you all get married, when you create this big legal hurdle, you create a thing. And then now you have an anchor point, as, as my buddy, Michael Easter says, now, now it's written in ink. Then the conversation shifts to what kind of life do we want to build together? And when we are building our future together, that always comes with, oh, I thought the holidays were going to look like this. Now I want them to look like this. Oh, that picture I had in my head that I didn't even know I had is suddenly it's, it's, I got to take the puzzle that was my life and I got to take all those pieces, jumble them up, put them back in the box. And together you and I are dumping out a brand new puzzle. It's going to be our life and we're going to do this thing together.

• 9:28Dr. John Delony?

  It's not that I have this puzzle and there's just three missing pieces. She's one of them, kid is one of them, son is one of them. It is now that we are doing our life together, that puzzle that was my life is over. It's in a box. It's gone. Like I'm putting it back on the shelf where all puzzles go to die. And I've got a new puzzle that we are doing together. You get what I'm saying?

• 9:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so part of it is like, honestly, if you always had this picture of yourself having a son and this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

• 10:00Dr. John Delony?

  And like take away hysterectomy, take away any number of health challenges that any romantic partner, any spouse has. Right? The changes, like we were going to go do this and now we've got this. We were going to go do that and now we've got this. I just, I just talked to an elderly couple recently and not elderly and aging. And man, they were about to retire and they had this whole wild fourth quarter planned. And then he got diagnosed with Alzheimer's. That's over. It's, it's different, right? And so the picture she had, the, the wife I was talking to, it's, I mean, it's over, gone. Right? And now it is, I'm going to be really sad because the picture we made was pretty awesome. And I've got a son. Let me tell you, they're awesome. And I also have a daughter. She's awesome. Right?

• 10:44Dr. John Delony?

  So I've got this picture and if I'm going to choose this woman to be my person and she's in a ton of pain, I'm going to be ride or die, holding her hand as she makes hard, hard decisions. And I'll be her biggest cheerleader and being her cheerleader doesn't also mean I don't have permission to be sad too.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  Right.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  Both are true. If you want to do some, I always call them gangster people, roll their eyes at me. If you want to do something like hard things, you can write a letter to the son that you won't have.

• 11:17Dr. John Delony?

  And just say, um, I had this dream of you, buddy. And that dream's not going to come true, but I tell you what, I'm going to be the best DM girl dad that's ever existed.

• 11:28Dr. John Delony?

  And those girls better watch out because the love I had for you is about to get all cha- you get what I'm saying? Like you can have, you can do those type of, of, I don't call them exercises, but you can do those type of, of, that type of grieving where you call it out, give somebody a name and say like, I had this dream and it's not gonna, it's not gonna come true. And that's okay. It's a choice I'm making. I'm choosing to engage in a relationship with this person who has medical condition and it's going to make her unable to have any more kids.

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, I think you made some very good points there.

• 12:02Speaker 01

  I, I'm trying not to cry just because.

• 12:09Dr. John Delony?

  You're good, man. Just, I'm, I'm sitting here with you. You're good.

• 12:15Speaker 01

  You know, I just had this, uh,

• 12:24Speaker 01

  I just had this dream for the longest time and so, you know,

• 12:33Speaker 01

  to say that this will never happen, it's just so hard.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:44Speaker 01

  But you know, my, my fiance has gone through a lot of medical, um, she, she's come such a long way. Um, she was diagnosed with, um,

• 12:58Speaker 01

  anxiety and also depression. She went through TMS, came out of that. Um, and so right now she is no longer on medication. Um, and so we're taking it day by day.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  Great.

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Seeing how that goes, but she's, she's matured. She's come such a long way and she's given up so much in her own life too. And so that's why I wanted to call in and say.

• 13:25Dr. John Delony?

  I appreciate, and I bet, I bet you've grown too, huh?

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Maybe, that's questionable.

• 13:32Dr. John Delony?

  Ta.

• 13:34Dr. John Delony?

  I know. I've got friends who are like, that dude's never grown up either, but you have, man. You're different now. You go to school after working a full-time job for different reasons now.

• 13:46Speaker 01

  Right.

• 13:47Dr. John Delony?

  It was probably to make a bunch of money and to get a new career. Now you got these two little girls saying, that's my dad.

• 13:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I just want to put us in a much more, um, financial better situation.

• 13:59Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. And, and I'm, I'm going to lay out, I, I always want to be as honest as I can. So I'm going to lay out the other harsh truth here, okay?

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  You're not legally married. You can leave.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, we thought about that for, she, she's brought that up to me, but I'm like, no, I'm, I'm sticking with you.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  And, okay, so here's why that's really important.

• 14:24Dr. John Delony?

  A lot of times grief, things that we don't want to have happen, happened to us. Right? And sometimes we get put in a situation that's two, two situations that I wouldn't wish on anybody.

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Two hard paths.

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  And we have to, we have to choose our heart. We have to, we have to choose the path that's going to get us to the place that we would love to be, even though it's going to be a really hard path. And when you say, yeah, I thought about it actually. When she said, I'm out, having another, a third kid was such a big deal to me for my whole life, that I had to stop and question, is she going to be the right person for me?

• 15:05Dr. John Delony?

  And.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 15:06Dr. John Delony?

  But here's the important, but I chose her.

• 15:10Dr. John Delony?

  And when you can say those words out loud, I chose her, then yes, she's got medical issues that you're going to be a loving partner and support her through and walk through. And she's going to make some hard decisions about surgeries and her future and all that stuff, hormones, all that stuff down the road, all that. You are going to though, sit in the driver's seat of your life saying, I chose her, which means I didn't choose this other path. And that doesn't mean that other path isn't going to break your heart. That doesn't mean the other path isn't sad. But there's a level of ownership that you get to hold.

• 15:52Dr. John Delony?

  And the body does not respond well to things happening to it. It responds much better when it is self-selecting into the hardest of situations.

• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  But there's something powerful about saying, no, no, no, I'm making this choice.

• 16:10Dr. John Delony?

  Given this set of circumstances, I'm making this choice to put a period at the end of this big dream. And brother, you have the freedom, all the freedom in the world to, to, to weep, to be sad.

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  Where, where I would challenge you is I, I would say you don't have the freedom to blame her, to get to.

• 16:31Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:32Dr. John Delony?

  Right, to go to war with her.

• 16:36Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 16:37Dr. John Delony?

  Because you are saying, I choose you. I choose all of you in sickness and in health.

• 16:41Speaker 01

  Right.

• 16:44Dr. John Delony?

  And now here's my pitch, brother, this weekend, take that woman and marry her. She's your person. You've chosen her and she chose you. And y'all have made a family together. Y'all have a future down the road. The future's going to be some of what you wanted, some of what she wanted. And together y'all are going to build your marriage, whatever marriage, whatever marriage y'all want. And there's going to be some grief and there's going to be some excitement and joy. It's part of doing this crazy thing called life.

• 17:13Dr. John Delony?

  And man, it's pretty amazing to do it with somebody.

• 17:18Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, man. You're a good man and I appreciate you thinking that through with me and let me think out loud.

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, when it comes to medical stuff, she gets to make the choice and she's got my full support, a hundred percent. And since you love her and you've chosen her, my hope is you, you hold her hand, you sit with her, you are the best ride or die support network she could ever dream of having. And you get to be really, really sad too.

• 17:49Dr. John Delony?

  All of that is true at the same time. Thanks for the call, my man. We come back, a man asks if he should tell his sister-in-law that his brother's been cheating on her at work. Yikes, we'll be right back.

• 18:03Dr. John Delony?

  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Every year you tell yourself you're going to handle the holidays differently this year. Maybe stay calmer, feel more peace, but then it's the same old pattern. It shows up every year, the same family tension, the inability to keep healthy boundaries. And you're cranky and tired and you find yourself snapping at people that you love and actually like being around. This year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the holiday chaos and understand what's behind your reactions and come up with a plan. Therapy can help you build a healthier plan before you actually need it. When you're ready to have that conversation, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform with more than 30,000 licensed therapists,

• 18:47Dr. John Delony?

  which means you can find one who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season or whatever your needs and goals are. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. So BetterHelp fits into your life, not the other way around. And if your first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime for no extra cost. Listen, you know what's coming this holiday season. This year you have time to stay calm ahead of all the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash Deloney or click the link in the description.

• 19:27Dr. John Delony?

  We all have a million decisions to make every day between what to have for dinner, who's going to drop off the kids, where to get an oil change. Listen, the last thing I want to think about with all that chaos going on is what to wear. And with Poncho, I never have to agonize over what shirt I'm going to put on. They're lightweight, they're breathable, they're stretchy, they're fast drying and they're super tough and they look awesome. I know when I grab it off the hanger, I'm going to look good and feel good no matter what I get into that day. I wear them here on the show, mowing the yard, fishing, I wear them at church, I wear them everywhere. And it's college football season. Poncho has shirts for over 20 schools. I got my Texas Tech one. So you can represent your team and still look sharp.

• 20:11Dr. John Delony?

  Head to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney to find your favorite school and grab your shirts. Sign up with your email for a special offer. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them that Deloney sent you. That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney or click the link in the description.

• 20:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Hey, click the link, subscribe, share, all that stuff. It really helps out everybody in the club. All right, let's go to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Lee. Hey, Lee, what's up?

• 20:42Speaker 01

  Hey, how you doing, Mr. John? Oh, sorry, Dr. John, how you doing?

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, you can call me Mr. John. It's nicer than what most of my friends call me, so I appreciate you. What's up, Lee? How are you doing?

• 20:50Speaker 01

  I'm doing all right, my man. Can't complain, can't complain.

• 20:53Dr. John Delony?

  You could, you could complain, you'd be a lot like Kelly, but that's all good. So what's up?

• 20:59Speaker 01

  Uh, well, long story short, uh, should I tell my sister?

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Or in law that my brother has stepped out on their marriage.

• 21:05Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, gosh. Dude. All right. Tell me the story, man.

• 21:13Speaker 02

  All right, um, bring you back about a year or so ago. Uh, this is my older brother, mind you, uh, he came to me, he told me that, um, he stepped out, he was crying, very, very upset, distraught, let me know that he stepped out, he cheated on his wife and I told him that he has that, you should tell her. But kind of a little bit, maybe a week or so after that, um, me and my dad, cause my dad works at the same job as my brother. Um, they, well, they found out that he was doing it again with somebody else, I assume. I don't know all the details. But, uh, he was caught messing around with someone else at work as well.

• 21:46Dr. John Delony?

  After he came and cried to you?

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, man, that's.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, and they end up, uh, they, they came back to him, they told him that, um, if he doesn't clean it act up, they're gonna tell his wife, cause they even, they threatened to tell his wife and fire him if he keeps messing around. And I assume he's still working there now, so he hasn't been caught another time. But now, um, he's messing with somebody else or getting a little too friendly with another coworker at a job. And, uh, his wife is very upset and she even called my sister to tell her that, um, she thinks my brother is doing something. And number one, I already know that he's done something in the past, I don't know about now. But it's just kind of weighing on my heart that, um, whether I should tell her or not, because she's also my sister, so I look at her.

• 22:34Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:37Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna give you my gut impulse, okay? And that does not mean it's right.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  My gut impulse is this, I think in pictures, this is how my head works. A year ago, your brother walked up to you holding a cinder block and he said, you carry this.

• 22:59Dr. John Delony?

  He cried because he was so tired of carrying it, he gave it to you to carry. And then

• 23:06Dr. John Delony?

  he went and picked up another one

• 23:10Dr. John Delony?

  and gave that one to your parents, who happened to be his boss.

• 23:16Dr. John Delony?

  And now he's picked up another one.

• 23:20Dr. John Delony?

  And your sister's carrying it. And by the way, his wife is carrying all three of them, because she knows something's not right.

• 23:28Dr. John Delony?

  And in that situation, I won't. I'm, I'm not gonna carry that for you.

• 23:38Dr. John Delony?

  I'll be with you when, when you set it down. Because here's what he's doing. He has said, I was a person who lacked moral character.

• 23:49Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to also lack moral character.

• 23:56Dr. John Delony?

  And my pushback on you, Lee, is for a year, you've been like, all right, I'll do that too. I won't tell her, our, our mutual, your wife, a woman who I consider my sister, I won't tell her the truth. And now you're complicit in it. Cause what, what's her first question gonna be? How long have you known?

• 24:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 24:15Dr. John Delony?

  And her next question would be, how could you not tell me?

• 24:19Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not gonna have a good answer, right? Other than, that's my brother, ride or die, all that. And, and man, I get that, dude, I get that. If your brother had come to you a year ago and said, man, I totally screwed up. And was sobbing and whatever, and you were like, man, I'm here for you, brother. And he has spent the last year making this right with his wife?

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you know what? In that situation where somebody's being whole and honest and complete, they would have come clean with their wife.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So they wouldn't, they, they would not have done a second thing and dragged you along with it. And then done a third thing and dragged parents along with it.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 25:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 25:04Dr. John Delony?

  Cause now every family meal, all y'all know, and she's just there getting the, getting the salad, getting the iced tea or whatever. And y'all know. The potato salad, that's right. I mean, y'all know. And she's just there, you know what I mean?

• 25:20Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 25:20Dr. John Delony?

  And Lee, you know this, she, yeah, now I'm getting more bold in my answer. She knows y'all are looking at her.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  And she doesn't know why.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  And here's where it's extra cruel, besides the fact that her husband's cheating on her, and by the way, like, just making her unsafe. Bringing all those other people home to his bed, right? She doesn't know.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 25:47Dr. John Delony?

  Also, she's leaving family dinners, she's leaving time with her husband, and she's looking in the mirrors, asking herself, what's wrong with me? What am I doing?

• 25:59Dr. John Delony?

  Why are the dinners so awkward when I show up? Why does everyone get quiet and look at the floor? You know what I'm saying?

• 26:07Speaker 02

  Yes, sir, exactly.

• 26:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 26:08Speaker 02

  And if, if I might add another thing as well, um, fast forward about a week or so ago, I kind of, me and my, after my sister told me that, um, she, well, my, my sister-in-law told her what was going on, how she felt, I approached my brother and I went up to talk to him. Basically, I was telling him, hey, man, you're, you're wrong, you messed up, you gotta go and tell your wife about it, because no woman, let alone my sister, should be going through this, cause number one, they ain't how our father raised us. Cause my father, he's been married for thirty plus years. So, we, we, we've, we've experienced a minority of it. And most folks, they kind of grew up in a household with no parents, who grew up with both parents their whole entire lives.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  So, it's, it's even more tough to see him doing that while we didn't grow up in that same household. But he told me whenever, I told him two things. Number one, after I kind of approached him, he was telling me that if I tell her, that what, basically, back up a little bit, but he was telling me, I shouldn't tell her, and if I do, that's on you. But, uh, it, it was, he was saying, it make, it's making it sound like you're gonna tell her yourself, so go ahead and tell her if you want to. And I, I told him, like, that's not, that's unfair, bro, you, you can't, you can't do that, that's not right.

• 27:21Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, so he, he wants you to do the dirty work?

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Kind of, sort of.

• 27:27Speaker 02

  Except what it sounds like.

• 27:30Dr. John Delony?

  You're in a bind, she needs to know, but you don't want to bail him out of a hard conversation, huh?

• 27:35Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 27:35Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so let me, let me cut through it for you, okay? Look in the mirror

• 27:42Dr. John Delony?

  and do this when, like, nobody else is home, okay? Cause otherwise people look at you funny. Look at yourself in the mirror, make direct eye contact with yourself and ask this question. What kind of man do I want to show up in the world as?

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  And then do that.

• 28:03Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 28:06Dr. John Delony?

  And dude, I, I, there's people listening to the show that think what I'm saying is insane. You ride or die to the bottom of the ocean, that's family, that's brother, that's blood, I will forever, right?

• 28:18Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 28:19Dr. John Delony?

  If that's how you want to roll in life, roll that way.

• 28:25Dr. John Delony?

  I want to be with people who, everybody screws up, everybody, all of us. I want to be with people who, after they screw up,

• 28:32Dr. John Delony?

  make it right.

• 28:36Dr. John Delony?

  They don't continue to blame other folks.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 28:38Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah, if I'm in your, if I'm in your shoes, I would probably say, hey, brother, you got forty-eight hours.

• 28:44Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 28:51Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the thing, if he chooses to bail on you

• 28:56Dr. John Delony?

  after putting you in this situation,

• 29:00Dr. John Delony?

  that just further reveals the man that you already know him to be.

• 29:06Speaker 02

  Yes, sir.

• 29:07Dr. John Delony?

  And you get to be heartbroken that your brother

• 29:11Dr. John Delony?

  A, put his brother in this situation, and B, continued to put the rest of his family in this situation, and C, then blamed y'all for it.

• 29:20Dr. John Delony?

  That's heartbreaking. That's sad, right?

• 29:25Speaker 02

  Yes, sir. And it's even harder because, um, we have two kids now, two young boys. Uh, one who was two years old, the other one who was just turning one. And they have a third one who was on the way as we speak, and he told me that on that same day as well, after I was kind of grilling him on that. He told me that she's pregnant again, so there's no possible time for me to tell her. And also, I don't want to ruin their relationship or marriage we already built. I told him straight up, you already blew it up.

• 29:54Dr. John Delony?

  You already ruined, there you go, yeah, Lee, you channeling your inner Deloney, he already ruined it.

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Of course. Yeah, you already blew it up, threw the grenade inside there and the houses are exploded and the wife is in there chilling with ashes, she don't even know it.

• 30:05Dr. John Delony?

  As, well, she knows it, she just doesn't know what, what, like, how it happened. She thinks it's her. Right?

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  And I mean, I, I'd get with mom and dad and let them know, hey, I'm doing this, this is coming, and also offer that she's got a place to stay, make sure that, um, a potentially about to be single mom with two kids and one on the way has a home and food and shelters, about being family, it's about, it's about community, it's about showing up for our neighbors. And, or, maybe your brother's gonna need a couch to crash, crash on. And he can stay with you or mom and dad, or he can go get his own place, like, he made his bed, he's gotta go lie in it. But, and if you want to go one step further, sit down with your parents and say, hey, y'all said you were gonna fire him if this happened again, it happened again. And by the way, if it's happened three times, it's happened more than y'all know. These are just the ones that keep getting found out.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  But, yeah, I, I mean, when I get faced with a, with a, and this is new for me, right? Cause I, I was I was, I'll say wishy-washy, but I had different, different standards. Now, I want to, I always ask myself, um,

• 31:14Dr. John Delony?

  when things get bananas, what kind of guy do I want to be? I'm gonna be a guy that tells the truth, a guy that is honest, a guy that's open, a guy that just says, I'll be here with you, but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna hold it for you too. And by the way, I, I, my trade is secrets, if you will, my trade is confidentiality. People come over to my house, nobody knows they were there, nobody. Nobody. And so I'm all about that, but if it's, when we're talking family and we're talking, man, it's a different, that's a different world, brother. So, thanks for the call, my man. You're a good man for thinking through it and you gotta do the, I'd,

• 31:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'd get on you for about the last year, but you're gonna make it right soon, so I'm gonna applaud you for doing the next right thing. And be prepared for her to ask hard questions and you just say, look at her and say, I let you down.

• 32:01Dr. John Delony?

  And now we're gonna make it right moving forward. Thanks for calling, my man. We come back, a woman asks how to find the balance needed to feel both successful and peaceful. Ah, it's a great question. We'll be right back.

• 32:17Dr. John Delony?

  All right, everyone, summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. I hope you took the time to slow down and relax, because now we're back to real life. Full overwhelming calendars, kids, school activities, racing around all over. But listen, what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day? There is Cozy Earth. Their bamboo sheets are like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in, except way more comfortable than that. They're breathable. They're so good at regulating your temperature. No more kicking off the covers at 2:00 a.m. And cozier towels make you feel like you're at the spa,

• 32:58Dr. John Delony?

  except it's just an ordinary Tuesday. It's at your house. My house has Cozy Earth everywhere. They offer a 100-night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10-year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. But listen, you are gonna be completely blown away, and you're not gonna return nothing. You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney. Use code DELONY. And don't forget to take their post-purchase survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show.

• 33:42Dr. John Delony?

  All right, hey, listen, we have a few tickets left for what I think, of course, I'm biased, is the greatest marriage event on the planet. It's the Money in Marriage Weekend Getaway right here in Nashville. Me and my friend Rachel Cruz put it on. We do it every year, and it sells out every year. We have, like, half the room returns every year, because we make it new every year, but it's such an amazing time. You and your spouse, no distractions, no kids, no, "I want a snack, I want a snack", just y'all two working on your marriage. And as you can imagine, since my name is on it, I'm as real as it gets. Rachel's as real as it gets. We talk about your money, how to actually come together with your money. We talk about sex. We talk about communication.

• 34:26Dr. John Delony?

  We talk about conflict. We talk about real things and give you real tools that will help you build the marriage you want. It's October 22nd through 24th. Click the link in the show notes for tickets. Get on them. They always sell out. I want to see you here in Nashville, Tennessee. You never know what wild guests we're gonna bring out on stage. It's always a blast. We got a date night. It's perfect. It's a great, great weekend. Come join us, October 22nd through 24th, Money in Marriage Weekend Retreat. All right, let's go out to Clay Aiken, South Carolina, and talk to Sarah. Hey, Sarah, what's up?

• 35:03Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 35:04Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right. How are you?

• 35:06Speaker 03

  I'm doing very well, thank you.

• 35:08Dr. John Delony?

  Very good. What's up?

• 35:10Speaker 03

  I have a question for you. I want to know how you learn to be content without feeling like you're just being complacent.

• 35:19Dr. John Delony?

  Great question.

• 35:22Dr. John Delony?

  Dang, Gina. Okay, so tell me the origin of that question.

• 35:27Speaker 03

  So I will preface with I'm an over thinker about all things.

• 35:31Dr. John Delony?

  I don't, I never overthink anything, so I'll have to stretch to sit with you.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. So the other night, my husband and I, we were having a budget meeting, conversation, whatever you want to call it. And he's getting all excited and hopeful for what we're on track to accomplish. And like those conversations tend to do, I'm kind of feeling frustrated and disappointed that we haven't made more progress, or like, we're still dealing with this. And, you know, and all my whining and complaining, he just sort of stops and goes, you know, "What is gonna be enough for you?" Because I don't feel like you're ever really gonna be content. And I just kind of like held my breath, and I said, "Oh, my gosh, he's right." And in all my overthinking, I started realizing that that's true beyond our finances.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  It's pretty much every area of life for me. Good is never good enough.

• 36:29Speaker 03

  If something is, if something can be better, I want to try and do my best to make it better. I don't, I don't want to live with regret. And I think part of my problem is, I realize how fast time goes, like, and we only get one life. And I don't want to ever look back and say, like, "I wish I would have tried harder. I wish I would have given more effort." But often, like, I'll make a choice, and on the other side of that choice, I'm looking back going, "Well, if I would have done this differently, this would have been different or possibly better." And it's just becoming emotionally and mentally exhausting.

• 37:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 37:07Speaker 03

  So I just want to learn to say, like, "This is reality. This is beautiful. It's wonderful. And let me just accept it for what it is." I want to care less about the way things aren't and just sit and enjoy the way life is. But also not feel like I'm being lazy, or I have more potential that I'm just not using.

• 37:29Dr. John Delony?

  God, you articulated this so perfectly. Well done.

• 37:34Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  Whose voice is that?

• 37:40Dr. John Delony?

  Because it didn't start with you. Whose voice is that?

• 37:44Dr. John Delony?

  The one that always telling you, "You should have, and you could have, and why didn't you?" And if they had just, whose voice is that?

• 37:55Speaker 03

  I mean, I guess I've always attributed it to be my own, because it's the voice I've heard for as long as I can remember. I mean, I have parents that are wonderful, and they've always supported me and challenged me and motivated me. But I feel like they didn't have to do a whole lot of motivating, that in some sense, I just put this pressure on myself.

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm going spelunking here, okay? I'm throwing things up against the wall to see if they stick. So tell me if they don't, okay?

• 38:35Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's often the case that both things are true.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  That people who love you and care about you push you really, really hard.

• 38:49Dr. John Delony?

  And/or they push themselves really, really hard, and you hear that.

• 38:58Dr. John Delony?

  And the stories we tell ourselves, that that voice is often the stories that we heard told to us or about us. And over time, those stories start being told to us in our own voice, and they sound true, because why would we lie to ourselves, right?

• 39:19Speaker 03

  Right.

• 39:21Dr. John Delony?

  So for instance, if you're a little girl, and your mom's always talking about how she needs to lose weight, "I gotta lose weight."

• 39:30Dr. John Delony?

  "Oh, my gosh, I gotta lose weight. I've got 10 more pounds. Ugh, ugh." She doesn't have to say anything. She could tell you, "You're beautiful till kingdom come." But what's the air in the home that you're breathing? You better not be 10 pounds over.

• 39:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so if you're already a kid with a propensity for, "I want to do good for my folks. I want to do good for myself. I've got an internal drive." And the only time your body gets that wink, that hug, that whatever, is when you crush it.

• 40:15Dr. John Delony?

  Then over time, you learn really quickly, "I'm worth being loved when I crush it."

• 40:22Dr. John Delony?

  Which over time becomes,

• 40:25Dr. John Delony?

  "If I don't crush it, I'm not lovable."

• 40:30Dr. John Delony?

  Which becomes, "If I don't crush it, I, looking at the woman in the mirror that you are, am not worth anything."

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  And let me say this. This has zero to do with bashing anybody, badmouthing parents, blaming, none of that. The only thing I, I think it's a worthy endeavor is to ask, "Who's saying these things to me?" Because I, you, Sarah, are not the voice in your head telling you it should have been different. That's another voice talking to you. Do you know what I'm saying?

• 41:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:08Dr. John Delony?

  And it sounds a little bit nutty. But if you can separate you from that voice that won't shut up, then it makes room for the other voice, which is,

• 41:22Dr. John Delony?

  "Dude, we're chilling today."

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, I don't do a whole lot of that.

• 41:30Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  It drives my husband nuts.

• 41:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so here's the, as with anything that's uncomfortable that we have to work towards, I'm gonna give you an annoying word, and you're gonna roll your eyes and go, "Good gosh, are you serious?" And the answer is yes. You're gonna have to practice.

• 41:52Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to put on your Type A calendar,

• 42:01Dr. John Delony?

  do nothing.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  I do that, and somehow it always gets erased, or, you know, something else comes up, and of course, I'll say yes.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  So let me ask you this. The things that, like, when you look at the sum total of your life, you know what? That's too, that's too big. How long have you been married?

• 42:29Speaker 03

  Um, nine years.

• 42:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let's say the last 10 years, okay?

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  How would you answer this question? For what?

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Like nine years for, or 10 years for what? Like, what is the last?

• 42:54Dr. John Delony?

  The things you've done, the tasks you've accomplished, the perfect way you make the bed, the way you clean the little holder that your toothbrushes are in, because you don't want any soap residue with them. Like, if we back out and say, the perfection of all these things, like, for what? Has it brought you the life that you want to be living right now?

• 43:25Speaker 03

  In some ways, yes, and in some ways, no.

• 43:27Dr. John Delony?

  Perfect, great. If you had said either one of, like, no, not at all, or yes, everything, I would have called BS on both of them, but you answered it perfectly. Some ways, it's brought order to chaos. It's brought your family along, right?

• 43:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:44Dr. John Delony?

  And thank God, your husband has you in his life. You know why? That means the electric bill gets paid every month, right? That's awesome. And thank God he has, or you have him.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because y'all have a thing y'all have to go to, and y'all are gonna spend the evening dancing in your living room. Or you're gonna have a bunch of plans this weekend, and you know what? You're gonna end up camping somewhere, and you don't even like camping, but it was funny. Right?

• 44:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:17Dr. John Delony?

  It's you giving yourself permission to believe, I'm lovable when I'm not doing something.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  So, in the, the practice, is it, is it practice, like, truly just practicing doing nothing? Like, that's it?

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 44:40Speaker 03

  And then?

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  Not, especially not for people like you and for people like me. It's towards something.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, it is, reverse engineer it, as you do everything else in your life. Give me four words, if I was to say, how do you want your house to feel? On an ongoing, regular basis? What are the four words you just throw out there?

• 45:03Speaker 03

  Um, orderly, um, welcoming, comforting, um, hospitable.

• 45:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. If you have attached orderly to comfortable, you're gonna have a challenge. Because comfortable is shoulders dropped, I don't care where the blankets are, there's bags of popcorn on the floor, whatever. We're just here. Ah. Orderly is, everything's in its place. And so, finding out, I want my house to feel like this, and there's some misalignment here, right? I want it to be hospitable, but can somebody just drop by and there's laundry still out? You would never still have laundry out, but if you did,

• 45:58Dr. John Delony?

  and they are so happy to see you, and they get a cup of water, but you're not able to be present with them, because you're worried, like, there's laundry right over there, there's laundry right over there, there's laundry right over there. Would that be hospitable?

• 46:15Speaker 03

  No. And there are certain people in my life that I'm 100% okay with that. Like, um, I have two small kids, um, a three-year-old and a six-year-old boy, so it's always like a bomb went off in this place. Like, you're just always cleaning something up. And I do want people to still feel like they're welcome here, and you always have a place here. It doesn't have to be perfect before you show up.

• 46:43Dr. John Delony?

  So, a couple of people have gotten past your, have gotten backstage in the play that is your life. What is it about the other people that you feel like you have to go out on stage, in front of the curtain, and perform?

• 47:03Speaker 03

  I guess in some ways, that's been my whole identity, from when I was little.

• 47:11Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  I've always been the smart one, the prepared one, the successful one. Like, I was always the kid that other people compared themselves to.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I'll circle back to the word you gave me earlier. That's exhausting.

• 47:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:33Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it's not, it's not a one-for-one, it's not always. But generally speaking, the things that got us what we wanted, or kept us safe as kids, end up messing up our adulthood. And so, it's being able to say, this thing played an important role in my childhood, and it's played an important role in our life, and it's not serving its purpose anymore. But as for me and my household, I'm not doing any more performances. And if you don't love me, if you don't want to come to my house, if you want to be my friend,

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  because I no longer have these clothes, this dollar amount, this, my house looks a certain way, then probably we're, we've, we've moved past the facade of this fake relationship that we're both pretending we have.

• 48:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  And, can I give you a practical thing, too?

• 48:39Speaker 03

  Yes, please.

• 48:40Dr. John Delony?

  I'll, I'll give you some, I'll give you some very practical tips here at the end, but there's a practicality to it that I don't want you to have to wear all by yourself. You also have to be honest about, it may have been the last 10 years, you have to take on this role, because your husband's not. Right?

• 49:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think part of it is, I don't really give him all a lot of room.

• 49:05Dr. John Delony?

  Well, there you go. God, you're the most self-aware person. Do you go to counseling? Are you in therapy?

• 49:11Speaker 03

  I'm not, I'm just an over-thinker.

• 49:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. Gosh, yeah, I mean, it's, it's pretty amazing how articulate you are. I mean, how, how well you've thought through these things. Okay, so, yeah, you are, sister, you are straight at the implementation phase. Take action. You're ready?

• 49:28Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:28Dr. John Delony?

  For the next 60 days, do not skip a day. As soon as you open your eyes in the morning, do not pick up your phone, reach over and grab a small little journal, and write five things you're grateful for right then. Then wake up, and then, before you pick up anything, go do one nice thing for your husband. Make him a cup of coffee, go, go, I don't know what he's, smack his butt in the kitchen, I don't know what he's into. Like, go give him a hug for 60 seconds, I don't care what it is. Do one nice thing for. Okay?

• 50:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:07Dr. John Delony?

  Don't look at your phone until, oh, and after you do something nice for him, do something nice for you. Not for the stage version of you, but for backstage you. Does that go for a walk outside, and get some morning sun in your eyes? Is that go exercise? Is that go write poetry? And, I don't, do a nice thing for you. Okay? And here's what we're doing practically, and it sounds so pedantic, and it sounds so small and lame. What you're doing is you're orienting your body towards this, I just opened my eyes, I'm so grateful to be alive.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:51Dr. John Delony?

  Next, I'm gonna orient myself towards service. I was made, I was put on planet Earth to love well. And I'm gonna act towards that. Not with criticism, not with we need to, not with we've got to's, but with, here's a cup of coffee. The next is, I'm gonna do something for me, because I'm worth an hour by myself, so that I could spend the rest of this day with my husband and these kids anchoring into me. And none of that is about, has anything to do with prepping the house for the big theater show tonight.

• 51:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then, I want you to put, I want you to do the opposite of what I told you to do earlier, okay? Don't put, um, free time on the calendar. I want you to instead block off cleaning time. 30 minutes, that's it. Whatever I get done in 30 minutes is awesome.

• 51:58Dr. John Delony?

  And make a commitment to yourself that when your husband walks in the house, you don't immediately announce the things that you didn't get done.

• 52:07Speaker 03

  That one's gonna be hard.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  I know. But because if he walks in the door and the first thing is not a smile and I'm happy to see you, it is you trying to pull all the bullets out of a gun you think he's about to fire at you?

• 52:24Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I was doing this and I didn't get this cleaned up and I didn't get this finished. If he's a guy who walks in and is demanding his wife be perfect in this and that, then he's got his own problems. But the way you've described him is he's a guy who's just kind of recklessly in love with his wife and he's kind of happy to be alive. He's got two knuckle-headed little boys and a good setup going, right?

• 52:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm not, I'm not gonna flinch in the face of a man who loves me like that.

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  You're pretty amazing, Sarah. Pretty amazing. Another powerful tool for overthinkers is getting with real people in the world and dropping your shoulders with them and being honest and vulnerable and saying things like, I feel jealous and I am tired of like sharing that with other real people. Your body tends to go, ah, oh, we're safe now, which can be a blessing too. Thanks for the call. You're on the right path. Now it's practice time. I cannot wait to see how this works out for you. We'll be right back.

• 53:25Dr. John Delony?

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• 54:03Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 54:07Speaker 04

  As always, the answer is yes. Um, you are.

• 54:10Dr. John Delony?

  Disagree.

• 54:13Speaker 04

  We can agree to disagree, but I'm right. So before we go to the, am I the problem? We are changing things up a little bit with I The Problem and we want your voicemails, people.

• 54:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 54:24Speaker 04

  So not only, not just type them and send them in, we want your voicemails. And we're gonna play the voicemail and then you will get to, you know, you'll get to reply to the voicemail. Now, there's a few things people need to know. First thing, phone number. 844-693-3291. 844-693-3291. Call in, leave a voicemail. At the beginning of that voicemail, say this is from, am I the problem? So we know that that's what it is. Okay?

• 55:00Dr. John Delony?

  That's also the number Kelly gives out to men when she's out on the town. So she needs to be able to parse through who's calling what.

• 55:07Speaker 04

  I go back to, yes, you are the problem.

• 55:10Speaker 04

  So when you call in, give us your first name and tell us where you are, tell us, am I the problem? It has to be something that John can answer without any more context. This can't be your big life story and a question that involves, you know, a ton of other questions and having to dig deeper. It's the same thing as if you were typing it in. If, and if we can't use it, we won't use it. Please keep them to less than a minute.

• 55:34Dr. John Delony?

  And you could put a fake name on there. You could say, hi, this is Janet from North Dakota.

• 55:38Speaker 04

  Exactly. I just need something or I will make something up myself.

• 55:41Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 55:41Speaker 04

  Um, but keep it short, keep it to about a minute. Um, we will edit them if we have to. But keep the question brief, you know, keep it something we can answer without more context. And, um, yeah, send us those in and I look forward to that.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  I'm super excited to get more voices out on the show. And every time we do an am I the problem? I always have to imagine who wrote this, what were they doing, what's their, like, are they angry? Are they laughing? So this will be awesome. Get your voice heard, get out there. I'm hyped for it.

• 56:14Speaker 04

  Yep. All right. So for today's am I the problem? This is from Gerald in Boston, Massachusetts. And he writes, I've had struggles with my weight most of my life. One of the reasons is I'm a grazer, mostly chocolate and sugary snacks. I am seeing my son follow the same pattern. I have asked my wife not to buy these type of snacks regularly. Buying them for parties and special occasions is fine, but not regularly so that we are not tempted by them. She says no, because then we are not fixing the issue and we need to use willpower to just not eat them.

• 56:49Speaker 04

  Am I the problem for just not wanting the temptation in the house instead of working on my willpower?

• 56:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I actually, um, I got like, I think it was two grams of cocaine and like, not a full pound of weed, but I got a bunch and I just lay it out on my kitchen counter right where the kids walk by and I'm like, willpower, kids, willpower. Um, yeah, and I have a, I have a, uh, like a laptop that's just unfiltered. And it's just like, guys, type in whatever you want and just use your voice. Just Siri will find it for you. No, that's madness, madness, madness. A, yes, like, you know what?

• 57:31Dr. John Delony?

  This may be dumb of me to say, at this point in my, I too am a grazer. I love candy and I love shenanigan food. I'm through trying to get to the root of that. I have a simple choice. Do I do it or do I not do it? And by the way, I've been sober from candy all the way since May. I'm still plugging along.

• 57:50Speaker 04

  Very proud of you.

• 57:51Dr. John Delony?

  And can I just say this shockingly?

• 57:55Dr. John Delony?

  I'm having to go get new pants. I, last night at the concert, the guy who was grabbing the shirts was like, are you getting an XL? And I was like, nope, large. And he's like, whoa. Like it, it just happens. Just, you know what I mean? It's just math. But here's the thing, I'm not getting to the root of it. I just have to stop. And one of the great ways to stop is to not have it around you. So, yes, that's, you're dead on to say, hey, as a family, we're gonna stop bringing this kind of garbage into the house. And by the way, because she loves me, my wife, occasionally I'll open a drawer and there will be a bag of gummy candies.

• 58:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's probably been in there six months where my wife can just eat three at a time because she's a serial killer. But she can just eat a few and then put it back in the drawer. She hides it from, she doesn't hide it from, I think she does hide it from me. But it's not out in the cabinets. It's because she knows I'll walk by and be like, yeah, I gotta have that right now. And so if your wife needs a sugary snack, great, awesome, cool. Ask her to love you well and to put it in a place where it's just for her. And here's the, here's the next step. If I was, if I was in the same situation, like, hey, I want to stop having candy and junk in the house. I'm trying to clean up my, my diet. And as you mentioned, my son is picking up my habits. My daughter's picking up my habits. And my wife looked at me and was like, I don't care.

• 59:20Dr. John Delony?

  Then when it came into the house, I would put it in the trash. I'd throw it away. And like, that's my new willpower, right? Like I, my willpower is I will pick it up and throw it in the trash. So like, yes, madness just to be like, no, we gotta do it with willpower. Ridiculous. What do you think, Kelly?

• 59:36Speaker 04

  Oh, a hundred percent.

• 59:37Dr. John Delony?

  I kind of like, I feel like I got up on my little soapbox here.

• 59:39Speaker 04

  Oh, I think it's a hundred percent right. You don't like go to AA for alcohol and they tell you, go sit in a bar and just don't drink it.

• 59:47Dr. John Delony?

  AA is not at a full bar.

• 59:48Speaker 04

  Right. They tell you, you have to stay away from alcohol. You have to get new friends that are drinking, you know, that aren't drinking anymore. You, you have to cut all of that out of your life for a reason.

• 1:00:00Dr. John Delony?

  We'll figure out why later. Stop doing that.

• 1:00:02Speaker 04

  Stop doing it now and then we'll figure out why.

• 1:00:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 1:00:04Speaker 04

  I mean, like, I used to love soft drinks. I mean, like back in high school, college, I loved them. And then I just quit drinking them. Now I can have one Coke every three weeks and I drink half of it.

• 1:00:14Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 1:00:15Speaker 04

  But I didn't go just set them all around me and be like, oh, I won't do this.

• 1:00:20Dr. John Delony?

  I won't, I won't.

• 1:00:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, duh. I mean,

• 1:00:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. That's bad for them.

• 1:00:24Speaker 04

  Especially when your spouse is trying to do something healthy, be supportive for the love of it.

• 1:00:29Dr. John Delony?

  Be on their team. And when they say, hey, the thing that I've struggled with my whole life, I'm watching my kids become a part of this, will you help me? And they're like, no. Ah, that gives me the hemorrhoids, man. That gives me the G A S on a stick.

• 1:00:45Dr. John Delony?

  You are not the problem, my brother. Love you guys. Bye.