Pretty Little Episode #78

Tig and Mae play a game with a grape, do a little kissing and telling, and give some hairstyling advice (giiiirl) on today's Pretty Little Episode! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterSubmit your questions to speakpipe.com/handsomepod http://speakpipe.com/handsomepodFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:15Mae Martin?

  Pretty Little Episode.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Welcome to the Pretty Little Episode. It's me, your friend Tig Notaro, sitting here with?

• 0:24Mae Martin?

  Mae Martin.

• 0:25Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 0:28Mae Martin?

  Yes, it is.

• 0:30Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. May.

• 0:34Mae Martin?

  Tig.

• 0:34Tig Notaro?

  How is your driving obsession? When do you leave for tour?

• 0:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 0:39Tig Notaro?

  Do you have any romantic updates? Just give me everything, girl.

• 0:44Mae Martin?

  Girl, I've been driving around the town. Today I went and drove.

• 0:48Tig Notaro?

  Picking up chicks?

• 0:48Mae Martin?

  Picking up chicks everywhere. Yeah. I got a coffee today, drove, parked there, drove right up onto the curb. I was trying to park. Like, boom.

• 1:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah, but that's going well.

• 1:05Tig Notaro?

  Did you yell, "I'm new here"?

• 1:07Mae Martin?

  New here.

• 1:08Tig Notaro?

  Out of the window?

• 1:09Mae Martin?

  No, I haven't, haven't yelled anything out a window yet.

• 1:12Tig Notaro?

  This is new for me. Um, have I, well, I think I told you I used to do pranks where I would like pull up to cool hotspots where people were eating outside.

• 1:24Mae Martin?

  No.

• 1:24Tig Notaro?

  And I would have all my windows down and I would act like it, and I'd play a really cheesy song and I'd take like 10 million attempts at parallel parking with my windows down.

• 1:35Mae Martin?

  Just to entertain yourself?

• 1:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, I'd oftentimes I'd have a friend like hidden in the backseat.

• 1:41Mae Martin?

  That's really.

• 1:42Tig Notaro?

  Really low down. And then I would act like I can't get my car into the spot and then we just drive away. But like, you know that song, "All By Myself"?

• 1:50Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 1:50Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that kind of thing.

• 1:51Mae Martin?

  Oh, God, that's good.

• 1:53Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, just silly stuff.

• 1:54Mae Martin?

  I wish more like big celebrities pranks. Like, that would be so funny if someone purposefully did something that would attract like people to film it and paparazzi and it was.

• 2:07Tig Notaro?

  Now. For you to say you wish more big celebrities, that implies that you think I'm a big celebrity.

• 2:15Mae Martin?

  Well, you, you did this like before you were recognizable or recently?

• 2:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, it was before I was recognizable.

• 2:23Mae Martin?

  Like, I think you should do it now. I think you should pull up to somewhere you know there's gonna be paparazzi and take 20 minutes to park while playing all by myself.

• 2:31Tig Notaro?

  But I guess I need you to, yes or no, do you think I'm a big celebrity?

• 2:37Mae Martin?

  Huge.

• 2:39Tig Notaro?

  Okay, that's sarcastic.

• 2:40Mae Martin?

  No, I think it's, I think it's true. I know, I don't know a single person who, who doesn't know you.

• 2:46Mae Martin?

  Actually, I take that back.

• 2:47Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it would kind of be not, well, maybe it would be fun being, if people recognized me.

• 2:57Mae Martin?

  Cause you'd be doing it on purpose, like, yeah.

• 3:00Tig Notaro?

  And I was doing it on purpose back, back in the day as well, but I just, yeah, it's that kind of, I like to look like a fool.

• 3:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I know, it's the best. It's the best.

• 3:12Tig Notaro?

  It really is so fun.

• 3:13Mae Martin?

  I played a game that I think you might like yesterday.

• 3:17Tig Notaro?

  Hobscotch.

• 3:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I thought Tig would love this. Hobscotch. So I saw it on some Instagram thing and I, I got a group of people to do it. And I, before they came over, I said, everyone bring an object from your house and it could be mundane, kind of funnier if it's like totally mundane. Or it could be bizarre. And then you stand in a circle and you all put a lot of water in your mouth. So you're like, like that. And then one by one, you just slowly, without smiling or laughing, produce the objects that you've brought and put it in this middle. And the goal is not to laugh and let the water out. And it just gets funny, like every object becomes hilarious to you.

• 4:00Mae Martin?

  No, I saw it online somewhere and I wanted to try it and it worked and it was like.

• 4:05Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I would enjoy that.

• 4:07Mae Martin?

  You'd like it. And then the other version, what did people bring? They brought like.

• 4:11Tig Notaro?

  Cause you know, I'm not crazy about games.

• 4:14Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 4:14Tig Notaro?

  But that I can get on board with.

• 4:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 4:18Tig Notaro?

  I, you know, I used to do a podcast with somebody who I don't do a podcast with anymore. And we used to stream episodes where we would like do shots and slap each other in the face and stuff. Not very presidential, but anyway, what were you saying?

• 4:36Mae Martin?

  That's the best. And the second round we did was everybody wrote down a word, any word on a piece of paper and gave it to me. Then everyone puts water in their mouth and I just slowly read through the words. So I'd go, your first word is fart. Your first word, F A R T, fart. And then I would go through the words that people had given me. Yeah, one was Winnetka, one was um, Humperdinck. Like it just, it was fun. I recommend it.

• 5:04Tig Notaro?

  Humperdinck, what is his name?

• 5:06Mae Martin?

  Engelbert Humperdinck?

• 5:08Tig Notaro?

  Yes. And do you know, that's not his real name.

• 5:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:12Tig Notaro?

  It's a stage name.

• 5:13Mae Martin?

  That seems backwards, right?

• 5:15Tig Notaro?

  It really, really does.

• 5:18Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:18Tig Notaro?

  Engelbert Humperdinck.

• 5:20Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:21Tig Notaro?

  It feels like not the name that your record label would be like, we got it, we got it. Engelbert Humperdinck.

• 5:32Mae Martin?

  I think Elton John's real name is something really, it's like Reginald Dwight.

• 5:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 5:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Well, maybe we should do that next summer in the studio. We should do the water, no laughing game.

• 5:43Tig Notaro?

  Well, I thought you were gonna say, maybe we should come up with our stage names.

• 5:46Mae Martin?

  Oh, what would yours be?

• 5:48Tig Notaro?

  Hmm. You know, what was that name? There was, there, one time Stephanie, I, I asked Stephanie, I said, who is the actress on that one show? And maybe I've said it on the show, but um, and Stephanie was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And I said, you know, the show, um, um, God, dog it.

• 6:14Mae Martin?

  I can't, are you forgetting the name or the, no, you're forgetting all of it right now.

• 6:17Tig Notaro?

  I'm forgetting all of it.

• 6:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:19Tig Notaro?

  I was asking what the actress's name was.

• 6:22Mae Martin?

  In the show.

• 6:23Tig Notaro?

  And the show was, um,

• 6:28Tig Notaro?

  Not what I said, but the crazy leap that I called the show. Stephanie guessed the actual show name. Let me text her.

• 6:40Mae Martin?

  Text her, text her.

• 6:41Tig Notaro?

  I have to, I have to know. It is the weirdest name. I was like, what the show it's called?

• 6:48Mae Martin?

  I have one other game to suggest. It's called the Grape Game. So I leave the room, I come back in and you have to guess if there's a grape in my mouth or in one of my hands.

• 6:59Tig Notaro?

  Oh, and did you see this online?

• 7:01Mae Martin?

  Actually, we could play around now.

• 7:05Tig Notaro?

  What if I don't have a grape in my office?

• 7:07Mae Martin?

  No, I'll do it.

• 7:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you have grapes?

• 7:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I got them for the Grape Game.

• 7:12Tig Notaro?

  But right now? Or you have to go to the kitchen?

• 7:15Mae Martin?

  I'll go to the kitchen, I'll grab a grape, I'll come back in, it's either gonna be in my mouth or in one of my hands and I'll show you both hands.

• 7:20Tig Notaro?

  Heard you the first time.

• 7:22Mae Martin?

  Okay, I'll be right back. Okay, one sec.

• 7:31Tig Notaro?

  Oh, May's back. May's back. Okay, let's see. I think you

• 7:42Tig Notaro?

  I think you have a grape in your mouth.

• 7:45Mae Martin?

  Hmm.

• 7:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I do.

• 7:48Tig Notaro?

  You do?

• 7:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, I do.

• 7:53Tig Notaro?

  I'm pretty good at that.

• 7:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, they gave it away that I was just going, hmm.

• 7:59Tig Notaro?

  Well, I wondered if you were doing that to throw me off, but you didn't.

• 8:04Mae Martin?

  I almost, I tried to double bluff you. Yeah.

• 8:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 8:07Mae Martin?

  Did Stephanie write back?

• 8:09Tig Notaro?

  No, but she's writing right now.

• 8:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, I love that. Don't you?

• 8:14Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm, yeah.

• 8:16Mae Martin?

  Dot, dot, dot.

• 8:17Tig Notaro?

  Oh, no, no, no. She's writing.

• 8:19Mae Martin?

  I thought you meant you could see that she was.

• 8:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh, but her dot, dot, dot just

• 8:25Tig Notaro?

  appeared.

• 8:27Tig Notaro?

  It is. No. She wrote two and a half broke girls, which I did accidentally say.

• 8:34Mae Martin?

  You said two and a half broke girls?

• 8:36Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. No, the.

• 8:40Tig Notaro?

  The other mishap. I'm sure she's like, yeah, which one?

• 8:44Mae Martin?

  Should we get to a question?

• 8:46Tig Notaro?

  Sure. Yeah, I think we should.

• 8:49Mae Martin?

  What if the question from the listener was like, what's the name of that show? God, can't, I don't.

• 8:56Tig Notaro?

  She's still writing.

• 8:57Mae Martin?

  Okay, we should wipe this out.

• 8:59Tig Notaro?

  Ah.

• 9:01Mae Martin?

  Oh, she wrote?

• 9:02Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I think, um,

• 9:07Tig Notaro?

  I said, who is the actress from that show? And she said, what show? And I said, um, what is it? Becky Pilgrims or something? And then Stephanie was like, the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?

• 9:25Tig Notaro?

  And I was like, yes. Becky Pilgrims. Pilgr- Becky Pilgrims.

• 9:32Mae Martin?

  And she guessed the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt?

• 9:35Tig Notaro?

  She guessed that and we choked to death laughing.

• 9:39Mae Martin?

  Becky Pilgrims.

• 9:41Tig Notaro?

  Becky Pilgrims. That is what my brain cr- the crunch those numbers and spit that out.

• 9:50Mae Martin?

  Can we, on the main episode, we gotta tell Fortune that on the main episode. Becky Pilgrims is so good.

• 9:57Tig Notaro?

  Well, and when we write little love notes to each other, we oftentimes sign it, Becky Pilgrims.

• 10:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, it's a really great character name. Yeah.

• 10:06Tig Notaro?

  Such a good name, Becky Pilgrims. Yeah.

• 10:09Mae Martin?

  I can't, she must, you're tapped into the same wavelength that she was able to deduce.

• 10:14Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes. And she's like, the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? Oh, my God, yes, it's not Becky Pilgrims at all.

• 10:24Tig Notaro?

  Anyway, uh, yeah, should we get into our question?

• 10:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, let's do it.

• 10:28Tig Notaro?

  Let's do it.

• 10:29Speaker 03

  Hi, handsome. Hi, May. Hi, Tig. Hi, Fortune. My name is Jaclyn. I'm from around outside the Boston area. So my question for you all is it's about intimacy. And I am wondering. What is the silliest moment you've had during an intimate moment?

• 10:49Tig Notaro?

  Where to begin?

• 10:50Mae Martin?

  I know, infinite. The first one that came to mind was one that I've, I think, said on the podcast before, where I was dating a very lovely man for about six months in England. And he said, "The next time we have sex, I'm gonna say a word, really unexpected word during sex, and it's gonna make you laugh." And I completely forgot about it. Days went by. And then the next time we were having sex, like, at a really crucial moment where I was, it was like, I was in it. I was like, completely serious, you know, earnest.

• 11:28Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 11:29Mae Martin?

  And he goes, "Oh, my God, tell me I'm bonkers."

• 11:34Mae Martin?

  "Tell me I'm bonkers." I cried laughing. I could not stop laughing.

• 11:41Tig Notaro?

  That is really, really funny.

• 11:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah, he was British, too. "Yeah, tell me I'm bonkers."

• 11:48Mae Martin?

  What else? I mean, any, do you and Stephanie ever sort of, you're like semi joking, doing some characters or roleplay-ish, and it's like, kinda horny, but also mainly funny? And then you, you know what I mean? I'm thinking about the pirate queen that Barb used to do.

• 12:04Tig Notaro?

  The pirate queen?

• 12:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I was the cabin boy and she was the pirate queen.

• 12:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, you shared this?

• 12:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:11Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 12:11Mae Martin?

  That was a lot of laughing.

• 12:14Tig Notaro?

  I would say, I've done this a couple of times where I've been, this is way younger years. You know, I have germ issues, would never do this again. I was making out, I think I've done it a couple of times, with a girl in the bathroom, a public bathroom.

• 12:36Mae Martin?

  Hot?

• 12:37Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, real hot, in a stall.

• 12:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 12:40Tig Notaro?

  And then looked down and the toilet hadn't been flushed. And then I said, "Oh." You're in love, meaning urine.

• 12:53Mae Martin?

  That's pretty good. That's urine love. Did she get it right away?

• 12:57Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, well, I point and I go, oh, urine love.

• 13:01Mae Martin?

  That's good. I like that.

• 13:02Tig Notaro?

  That's silly. That's silly.

• 13:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Should we hear Jacqueline's answer?

• 13:07Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, let's hear it.

• 13:08Speaker 03

  All right. So my answer is the other day I was fooling around with my partner and I know Jacqueline Marie. We were fooling around and I was inspired by Tig, actually. My partner caressed my breasts and as he squeezed it, I said, I said,

• 13:33Tig Notaro?

  I knew that was coming.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  I have never laughed so hard during intimacy before.

• 13:41Tig Notaro?

  That is really funny.

• 13:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that's great.

• 13:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 13:49Mae Martin?

  Let that be one of your legacies, for sure. The women across the world are going,

• 13:55Mae Martin?

  whenever ever anyone touches her.

• 13:59Tig Notaro?

  Thank you, Jacqueline, and keep up the good work.

• 14:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Should we have another question?

• 14:04Tig Notaro?

  Indeed.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  Hello, handsome. I'm Katie and I'm calling for some advice today from any or all of you. I'm in a local production of the musical Fun Home and for the role I'm in, I've cut my hair very, very short into a pixie cut. And this is the shortest, yeah, this is the shortest my hair has been in like 41 years of life. So I, well, I guess except since I was born, but that doesn't count. Anyway, I would love any of your tips, tricks, or favorite styling products, or ways to style short hair. Yeah, thanks so much.

• 14:46Tig Notaro?

  I got the answer for you, kid. Uh, leave it dirty. Katie.

• 14:53Mae Martin?

  But you have a germ thing. How does that?

• 14:56Tig Notaro?

  I rinse it. I rinse it.

• 14:58Mae Martin?

  Just with water?

• 14:59Tig Notaro?

  Uh, yeah. Um, but if I fly on a plane or I'm like, you know, if my, if my hair touches something, my germ issues remind me all the time. Like you gotta get home and wash your hair tonight.

• 15:15Mae Martin?

  Right. Okay.

• 15:15Tig Notaro?

  Like when I travel on a plane, I don't just come home and get in bed and snuggle in after my head has been against that, the back of that seat.

• 15:23Mae Martin?

  No, you gotta be scrubbed.

• 15:25Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes. And so if I'm just tinging it up and living my life and just shuffling around my neighborhood and my house, you know, or I go out to dinner, like anything like that, I'm totally fine.

• 15:41Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:41Tig Notaro?

  And again, it's, it's hard to make any sense of like, what's gross and what's not to a germaphobe.

• 15:49Mae Martin?

  Right, right.

• 15:50Tig Notaro?

  Um, but yeah, like washing your hair once a week.

• 15:54Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 15:55Tig Notaro?

  Is, is really the way to go. And, and, um, you can put a little bit of product, like some sort of wax or something in there, but, uh, that I feel like can last you the whole week.

• 16:07Mae Martin?

  I've always wanted to, yeah, I've wanted to try this. I just, I shower so much. I'm like, well, twice a day, but, uh,

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  Really?

• 16:15Mae Martin?

  Twice a day and I'm washing my hair.

• 16:17Tig Notaro?

  Twice a day you wash it?

• 16:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah. And my skin's very dry now and, uh, I'm better than I used to be like, I, I mean, I probably had a touch of the old germaphobe or something when I was, I used to wash my face, like sometimes 14 times a day. Like it was a little

• 16:33Tig Notaro?

  15.

• 16:34Mae Martin?

  Never crossover. Cause that would be weird.

• 16:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's too much.

• 16:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah. But I've, so I've gotten a lot better and I don't wash my face between showers now, but yeah, like two showers a day and I'm washing my hair every time. So I want to get to a place where I try that no washing for a week. Cause I know it's healthier, like the, the natural oils. Everyone tells me about the natural oils.

• 16:56Tig Notaro?

  Well, and less product in your hair is better for, um, you know, Eliminating some toxins.

• 17:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:04Tig Notaro?

  So much is absorbed through your head.

• 17:08Mae Martin?

  Really?

• 17:09Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:10Mae Martin?

  And your brain's right there.

• 17:12Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, your old brain.

• 17:14Mae Martin?

  I use Kevin Murphy Night Rider. That's the, the product I use. But also, it's funny to me, um, whenever, usually if I meet straight people of a certain age, they'll go, I love your pixie cut. And I'm like, when does it become a pixie? Like, like, it is so not a pixie cut to me. It's just short hair, but it's funny. Yeah. Like, would you say we have pixie cuts?

• 17:39Tig Notaro?

  I, I think some people in their sixties and seventies and over think we have pixie cuts.

• 17:45Mae Martin?

  Right. Or Katie, I guess, maybe is, is used to a more femme presentation. So she's like,

• 17:52Tig Notaro?

  Who knows with Katie? You know what I mean, May?

• 17:55Mae Martin?

  You never know with Katie. That's the thing.

• 17:57Tig Notaro?

  You never know. Yeah. Never know.

• 18:01Mae Martin?

  I, it always is strange to me when I'm out and about and someone is usually sizing me up, like trying to figure me out, or I'm in the bathroom or something and they go, I like your hair or something. And, and then you're like, okay, yeah. And I always go, yeah, I like yours too. But it's like them saying that is them saying, what is going on here?

• 18:21Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 18:24Tig Notaro?

  I like your pixie cut.

• 18:25Mae Martin?

  Like your pixie cut. Yeah.

• 18:27Tig Notaro?

  Well, thank you, Katie and Jaclyn. And, um, please keep on sending in those questions.

• 18:35Mae Martin?

  Yes.

• 18:35Tig Notaro?

  Yes, yes.

• 18:37Mae Martin?

  We love hearing from you. I really like that. I can't do it.

• 18:41Tig Notaro?

  You really can't.

• 18:42Mae Martin?

  That was really bad. I wish I hadn't.

• 18:47Tig Notaro?

  That's good. That's good. That's good.

• 18:51Mae Martin?

  Submit your questions, your advice requests to speakpipe.com/hansampod. And come see me on tour. Maymartin.net has all those deets. There's still tickets available for my first three shows in Oklahoma and then two shows in Texas. I really want to fill them up because it's the beginning of the tour. It'd be such a bummer if I.

• 19:11Tig Notaro?

  Now it'll be great. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome. They're gonna be there. Build it and they will come. Yeah. How about you? Uh, well, you know, tignotaro.com. We got Santa Fe. We got Monterey, Charleston, West Virginia. Actually, never mind that Charleston. Uh, we're rescheduling some dates here, but I'll also be in Los Angeles, Largo. It just goes on and on. Go, go check out all the show and tour information at tignotaro.com and watch Come See Me in the Good Light if you haven't yet. Very funny, touching, life-affirming documentary on Apple that I produced. And until next time. Keep it.

• 19:56Tig Notaro?

  Keep it. Pretty handsome. Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feimster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woolett. Email us at [email protected] and follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 20:16Speaker 05

  What a podcast!

• 20:22Speaker 05

  That was a HeadGum Podcast.