Caller: “I’m Jealous of My Wife’s New Friend”

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items. On today’s episode, we hear about: A husband jealous of his wife’s new friend A wife wondering how to get her husband to take his health seriously A woman struggling to deal with her toxic family Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters: 00:00:00 Intro 00:01:18 My Wife Is Obsessed With Her New Friend 00:22:44 My Husband Won’t Take Our Age Gap Seriously 00:43:10 Family Tried to Inject Me With GLP-1s Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I handle my jealousy when my wife's friendship feels like it takes priority? This person doesn't have the same responsibilities that we do. They're single, they got a great job, and so their life is, they have all the time in the world where we have very little.

• 0:21Dr. John Delony?

  Something's not sitting right with me about this.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you are here.

• 0:38Dr. John Delony?

  Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your kids, whatever the next right challenge is in front of you and the next right thing you're gonna do to begin unwinding and healing from some of these challenges and making your life a little bit more peaceful, making your family's life a little bit more peaceful, making your community a little bit brighter. Because it's wild, wild times out there these days. Thanks for joining us, and this show is real people going through real challenges. If you want to be on this show, I would love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you directly to Kelly, our overlords, and she will work and get you on the show. Let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama and talk to Alan. Hey Alan, what's up?

• 1:22Speaker 00

  Hey man, how are you doing today?

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  I'm alright, brother. What's going on?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Doing good. So my question today was, um, how do I handle my jealousy when my wife's friendship feels like it takes priority?

• 1:32Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it, man.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'll give you a little bit of background. We, we have been together for 15 years and married for nine. Been together a really long time and I will say that my wife is literally the best friend that I've ever had. So let, get that out of the way. I'm not talking bad about her at all. But, uh, we have three kids, six, four, and two. So as you can imagine, uh, life is, is hectic.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  But, uh, through the, through the years, it's been, I'll be honest, with kids and that, we've just started that kind of drift where we're together all the time.

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  And, uh, and I've been on cruise control and I'll be honest with that. And I haven't pursued her the way that I should and, um, and trying to, I want a marriage that, you know, my kids see and see it and be like, if it isn't that, then I don't want it. You know what I mean?

• 2:30Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, sure.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  So, uh, but through, through the years, we've, you know, gotten into the hustle and bustle of taking kids, taking care of kids and kind of, um, let our relationships slip where at the end of the day, we're exhausted. We kind of just go and do our own thing. And so, uh, with that, uh, recently, my wife had a little bit of a health scare and we thought that there may be potential for brain surgery and, um, leaned in on our church and had really good friends. But through that, she developed a, a really good friendship with somebody who kind of stepped in and, uh, talked with her, was with her through that whole process, uh, with us through that whole process. And then through that, just created a really good friendship.

• 3:14Speaker 00

  And, uh, my kids adore this person and, uh, but through that time, uh, there was opportunity for her to kind of escape and get out. And I wanted her to have that where you, you have somebody, something to do on your own. Get out of the house, go do something fun. And, uh, through that process, it just seems like, uh, that's kind of incrementally, incrementally gotten more and more and more. And so, and I, on my side of it, when I, I watch her, um, at home where it's hard and difficult and, you know, there's a bazillion things to do and manage and then I watch, uh, my wife as she goes out the door and I see a glimpse of the person that I fell in love with,

• 3:59Speaker 00

  that I haven't seen in a while.

• 4:03Dr. John Delony?

  What do you think your wife is?

• 4:07Dr. John Delony?

  Like, if she was on the phone telling me, "I've, I've met a new friend and this person brings X, Y, or Z to her life," what would she say?

• 4:18Speaker 00

  I think, um, freedom, so to speak.

• 4:25Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 4:27Speaker 00

  Um, she doesn't have to plan anything when she's with this person. Um, this person doesn't have, uh, the same responsibilities that we do. They're single, they, uh, got a great job and so their life is, they have all the time in the world where we have very little, if that makes sense. So it's, uh, it's that, I can just let my hair down and not plan anything and just go enjoy myself.

• 5:01Dr. John Delony?

  That all sounds awesome. And the challenge here is, I, I feel like one of two things is happening. Either your wife has a new friend and they go hang out and I'm assuming there's not a romantic connection here. Is that fair?

• 5:17Speaker 00

  Yes, that's fair. And we've had that conversation.

• 5:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, and so, she, she hasn't fallen, she's not falling in love with somebody else, right?

• 5:26Speaker 00

  No, I don't think that. I just think it's like, it's, it's more of an emotional tie of like, someone that is new. You know what I mean? Like that honeymoon relationship, that honeymoon feeling when you're meeting somebody new and you're making those connections and everything you talk about is new to that person. Where when we have those conversations, it's been 15 years of a relationship. So it's like, it's just not that spark of creating something new, I think.

• 5:58Dr. John Delony?

  Man, something's not sitting right with me about this.

• 6:03Dr. John Delony?

  When you've talked to her, what's her response? When you've said, "I miss you," um, I'm, I see versions, like I see glimpses of the full of life you that I fell in love with.

• 6:18Dr. John Delony?

  "Why are you gone all the time now?" Right?

• 6:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:21Dr. John Delony?

  And again, I'm assuming that's why you're calling. Because if, if, if you have a wife who's met a new friend and there's, there's, and I feel like you're being vague gender-wise and is this like some dude she met?

• 6:36Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, absolutely not.

• 6:37Dr. John Delony?

  At hot yoga?

• 6:39Speaker 00

  Absolutely not.

• 6:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And is this?

• 6:44Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it doesn't, it doesn't matter either way, but if she's got, has feelings for a new woman that she met, a new young, single woman, like, I'm assuming that's not the case.

• 6:55Dr. John Delony?

  And if it is, that's a whole different conversation we can have.

• 6:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:58Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but if she's got a new friend who's young and single and has disposable income and they're hanging out once or twice a week, I would celebrate the crap out of that. I'd be happy that my wife has an adventure to go, go on and I'd be happy to wrangle the kids a couple nights a week all by myself.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:16Dr. John Delony?

  The, I'm assuming though, that the reason you're calling is that it's way more frequent than that.

• 7:21Speaker 00

  Um, depending upon the week and it, what's?

• 7:25Dr. John Delony?

  It's all day texting, back and forth. It's a distraction.

• 7:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. It's that, but it's also like this person is kind of embedded in our lives. Like there's, everything we do, this person's kind of involved with and it's not like by, it's not like, uh, it's not intentional all the time. Like they're just there. Um, like we work out together and this person's involved in that group and we are heavily involved in church and that person is there. And, um, it's just, it, it's like, there is that time and then there's also the time of when they go out, if that makes sense. And so like, I'm trying to win that portion, that part of her back.

• 8:07Speaker 00

  And not that she's giving all of that away, but it just, it's kind of, uh, I get really jealous. Like I, I miss that.

• 8:16Dr. John Delony?

  Have you told your wife that?

• 8:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:18Dr. John Delony?

  How'd that go?

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Um, I think she's kind of, she's working through her thing, her own things as well in counseling.

• 8:27Dr. John Delony?

  Just tell me how it went. Tell me how it went.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  It, she felt like it was an attack.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  Was it?

• 8:34Speaker 00

  Probably.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  Um, it was more like I wanted to see the response like, like I'm jealous of this because I want that with you. Like I want that, the, the old relationship of, uh, of that, that intimacy of like talking back and forth and sharing funny things. And like the kind of a kink in that is that we, so like everything we do is together. Like I work with her, like all of our lives are entwined together. And then sometimes she's like, you know, honestly, I just need a break. Like I just need to get away. And although all of our time is spent together, it's not that, you know, that intimate, uh, you know, those seconds sometimes feel like it's, uh, it's going through the motions.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, yeah. And when you have a six, a four and a two-year-old and y'all work together, 95, 98% of your relationship is logistical.

• 9:33Speaker 00

  Yes, absolutely.

• 9:34Dr. John Delony?

  And so you become co-managers or like you mentioned, early roommates. Like you just, we have this many tasks to do and we get these tasks done. And it, man, there's a vagary with which you're talking and I can't put my finger on it. So I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna shoot a shotgun. Okay. And

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:51Dr. John Delony?

  All the pellets out. Um, it could be that you treat her like a, like you're her boss and nobody wants to, nobody wants to hang out with her boss.

• 10:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  And it could be that, that you, let me just run through several scenarios. Okay?

• 10:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  It could be that, um, you have a very particular way. You want things done at all times. And now she's got a, a younger, single disposable income burning person who's like, let's do that. And what, whatever. And there's a spontaneity. It could be that you're a super nerd and she's a super free spirit and she finally found another free spirit that just celebrates her for being a free spirit. And it could be that she is numbing because there's just so much going on in her plate and she has another full-time job after she clocks out, when that's taking care of all the kids and you're not helping her on the house. Like I don't know what the thing is, but it's getting to that bottom rung here.

• 10:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  Cause the way you're describing it, yeah, man. Like I don't work with my wife and she needs a break from me sometimes because I'm a lot. You know what I mean?

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Yeah. I'm definitely a lot. I don't, I don't, I don't deny that. I would say more so she's the more like, you know, type A, this has to be done this way. This is how the house is run. This house is cleaned. You know what I mean? So she's more that way. And I'm more relaxed. Like I'm more of a homebody. Uh, and the way I relax is being at home with my people and, you know, doing the things that we do. And the way she relaxes is going on adventures. And so like I've tried to be more intentional about that. And like she, when we had the conversation at first, it went over like a lead balloon because it was like, you just want me home and this isn't how I rest. And this isn't, you know,

• 11:47Speaker 00

  what I want right now. Like I've spent six years, you know, giving my body to three other people and giving my time to that and being strapped to a chair and my entire life revolving around keeping these things alive. And, and I'm joking in that, like they're, they're the best kids ever. And

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but there's, but don't, don't blow off what she said. What she said's really important. Right?

• 12:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:12Dr. John Delony?

  Where, where I would push back on her is she can't, I mean, she can divorce you, but like freedom doesn't mean abdication.

• 12:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:22Dr. John Delony?

  Like going and having adventures and feeling like, okay, now I've got, finally got at least one kid that can get in and out of the, the shower by themselves. I got two kids that can sort of kind of go to the bathroom on their own. Like I'm seeing glimpses of getting one, two, three hours of my life back. Um, and if you are sitting right there in the wing saying, no, those are mine. Give me those two. There's gonna be friction there.

• 12:51Speaker 00

  Right.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so it, it's a, it's a delicate balance of she's exactly right. And

• 12:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:58Dr. John Delony?

  Running away from everything isn't the solution either. But

• 13:07Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm going to be honest with you, brother. I'm torn between, this is a, like y'all are just at what you've heard me say this a million times. Y'all are at a natural swipe the deck clean. We have a brand new life, a brand new marriage. We're coming up for air after a long six-year winter season.

• 13:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:29Dr. John Delony?

  Who do we want to be?

• 13:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  And what does our life look like? I want to get to know you again because I don't know you anymore. We worked together, we lived together, we shared the same bed, but I don't know you and you don't know me.

• 13:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:39Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I'm, I'm feeling that sense of, uh, I don't know if this applies to you, man, but it's just ringing in my, in my, the middle of my chest right now. The old saying, um, if you're not your spouse's biggest cheerleader, somebody else will be.

• 14:00Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so if there's not a constant, like you are constantly looking for ways to let her know how amazing she is, not just in words, but in actions and support. I mean, you might be doing that. Somebody's going to come along who either romantic or just friend, and it's going to feel like a free for all.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Because the feeling is finally somebody sees me. Or here's the other thing, like, or your, your marriage is much, is a much thinner ice than you're wanting to acknowledge.

• 14:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. I, I think it was, it's more the, the former. I, I really do. Like a lot of it, communication is probably one of our biggest issues. Like we both have our families. The way we handle things is her family was you don't let anybody know you're struggling. You bury that way, way, way, way, way deep. And, you know, that's nobody else's business.

• 14:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. But hold on, hold on. You've been married for 15 years.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm going to say something, it's gonna make me sound, or nine, but y'all been together for 15 years. It's gonna make me sound like an ass. But here's the ding. Here's the thing. Y'all been together too long to keep pushing back on, well, this is how her parents talked to her and this is how my parents talked to me.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:14Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all been together for a decade and a half. Y'all get to choose to treat each other differently.

• 15:19Speaker 00

  That's right.

• 15:20Dr. John Delony?

  Regardless of how y'all grew up. Like that's just being an adult saying this happened and now we get to choose what happens next. And, and most of the time, when folks come to me and say, I would say 99 times out of a hundred, when a married couple sits down with me and says, we need to work on our communication. What they're asking is, how do I get them to do what I want them to do?

• 15:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:42Dr. John Delony?

  And that's no way to, that is, that is communicating to win and you'll lose a hundred times out of a hundred instead of communicating to connect.

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:53Dr. John Delony?

  And so, man, I,

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  it's, it's, it sounds, it, it, on paper, it's so easy. And what y'all have to work through is really difficult.

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:07Dr. John Delony?

  Because she's quickly creating a world, a secret world that doesn't include you.

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I'd be willing to bet that she feels like she has been chained inside of your secret world for the last six or seven years.

• 16:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:21Dr. John Delony?

  And so the challenge for both of you is to say, there's an alluring secret world over here with this young, single person who just likes to run roughshod and just have a good time and it feels awesome. And by the way, the version of you, when you say like, I, I see old you that I fell in love with. Number one, don't ever say that. Number two,

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:38Dr. John Delony?

  she feels that too.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:41Dr. John Delony?

  And she remembers that awesome version of herself before she had to wipe 15 butts a day and make sure her husband got off and make sure that there's food in the fridge. Like before that world, she remembers that too. And so the magic for you two is how do we create aliveness in the reality where we find ourself?

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:01Dr. John Delony?

  And you have to have two people who are willing to seek for that because she might not be interested in looking for that right now.

• 17:07Speaker 00

  Right.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  And that's going to take you learning and practicing and being excited about loving her in ways she likes to be loved. I'm gonna do a couple of things. Number one, I'm gonna send you to the Together app for free, okay? I want y'all to start using it. And if she won't use it with you, you can use it by yourself, okay?

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:25Dr. John Delony?

  Number two, I'm gonna send you the, and I'll put a link to the show notes for anybody listening, it's a conflict framework. And I've talked about it enough on the show, so I just had the team build it out and put it, make it nice and fancy, but it's just a PDF. But I'm gonna email it to you. And here's what it is. It is the path to having a hard conversation.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that's where y'all are. And it will walk you through, here's what I'm, here's what's, here's what I've seen, here's what's happening, here's the stories I'm making up about it. And that's where you've got to be honest. The story, you leave, you're always on your phone, you're always texting her, you're sending her the funny memes and not me. The stories I'm making up is that you don't like me anymore.

• 18:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:09Dr. John Delony?

  The story I'm making up is you are over me.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:14Dr. John Delony?

  The story I'm making up is I'm not lovable anymore. And then you be honest about how you feel, and then you be honest about, here's what I would love to see, and then you be honest about, here's what I'm gonna do next. And none of that is, you're always on your phone, you always leave, you don't want to hang out. Those are all accusations. This is a frame to actually solve a problem. And she might not want anything to do with it.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:39Dr. John Delony?

  And if she doesn't, then you have to, you have to metabolize. Because the story you're telling yourself right now is, our marriage is great, she's the best, she's my best friend, she's all these things. If you sit down and say, hey, this really matters to me, and she's like, I don't give a crap. Then you have to be honest that your marriage isn't what you think it is right now. And y'all need some professional support.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:59Dr. John Delony?

  Um, man, let me know how this goes. And if she wants to call in, I'd love to talk to her, too. I'd love to hear her side, because again, something just doesn't sound right to me. Um, but maybe it's as simple as, she's dead on. Six years, her body has not been hers. Six years, she's had 24/7, 365, she's been on call. And man, now that that door is cracked open, she feels alive again. And we gotta figure out how to, she has to, and you have to, how to harness aliveness and create it inside your home. And that will include both of y'all going to have friends outside your house. That's super important.

• 19:43Dr. John Delony?

  So thanks for the call, brother. Hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with some resources. We come back, a woman asks how to get her husband to take their age gap and future planning seriously. We'll be right back. I know some of you out there are hurting, and I mean really hurting. Your marriage is falling apart in real time, and you and your spouse both know it. You're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction, and you feel completely powerless. Some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy, it's affecting every area of your life, and you've tried everything you can do, and you can't seem to shake it. When things feel this desperate, a weekly therapy session might not be enough. That's why I want to tell you about the Vine and Root program from Capstone Wellness. These are three to

• 20:27Dr. John Delony?

  five day onsite therapy intensives for couples, families, and individuals who need more than a standard 50 minute therapy session once a week. You'll work with your Capstone's team before you even arrive. So the moment you get there, the real work can begin. Once you're there, you won't just talk about problems, you'll start to get to the root and heal them. Every single day, you'll sit with a therapist who's completely focused on you. You'll do the deep work that leads to real change, so that you leave with hope, a plan, and the tools to keep moving forward. I know the people at Capstone personally. If someone I love needed this level of care, Capstone would be my first call, because I trust them

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  and the work they do. If this is you, don't wait. Go get help now. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney, or click the link in the description. When it comes to supplements, there's one main company that I trust, Thorne. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago, and Thorne continues to be the main supplements I trust for me and my family. You probably don't know this, but supplements are an unregulated industry, largely unregulated industry. And that means it's flooded with garbage and nonsense and false promises. Most companies cut corners,

• 21:49Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:30Dr. John Delony?

  letter U slash Deloney, and get 25% off your order when you create an account. That's T-H-O-R-N-E, thorne.com/the letter U slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Nicole. Hey Nicole, what's up?

• 22:47Speaker 02

  Hey, John, thanks for listening to me today. Appreciate it.

• 22:51Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

• 22:52Speaker 02

  My husband and I, we've been together for 11 years. We have a great marriage, but we kind of keep hitting this wall with his health and our long-term future planning. And it's one of those things, it's like, hard, because we usually are on the same page and get along so well. But as he's getting older, I'm having trouble kind of breaking through to him about really taking care of himself and being on board with me for the long-term future.

• 23:16Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm. How old is he and how old are you?

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Um, I am 31, and he is 48.

• 23:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And y'all been together how long? So he met you, you were really young when y'all met, huh?

• 23:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, we met pretty young. But, um, you know, it's one of those things that like, it just completely made sense when we got together.

• 23:36Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  We never really had any issues. We've never had any strife. And that's why it kind of also gets harder, because we've never really had issues, and we've always been on the same page. And I think I'm just freaking out, too, because his mom passed away at 58, 10 years ago this Sunday, too. And it's just like, as he's getting older, it kind of just makes me think nervous. And honestly, like, very profoundly sad to think about, you know, the future, and maybe having less time with him.

• 24:03Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. So i-if, if there's, if there's a, close your eyes real quick, if there's a table, and it's a round table, okay? And there's the version of you, there's a person, who's, actually, it's not you, it's just a person, and they're the one saying the things about his health. I'm worried about his health. I'm worried about him, his long-term viability. I'm worried about, fill in the blank, all the things you're worried about. All right, now open your eyes. If you were to be talking to that person who just keeps spouting off worry about him, what questions, like, how would you challenge that person? And here's,

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  here's, I'm making it too complicated, so let me, let me simplify a little bit. Is he in bad health?

• 24:49Speaker 02

  Not overall. I know he has high cholesterol and high glucose levels, so he's like getting into prediabetic.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  Is he overweight?

• 24:59Speaker 02

  Uh, yes, slightly.

• 25:02Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean?

• 25:03Speaker 02

  Um, he's got like visceral fat around his abdomen, but overall, not too bad. Because he did just get heart scans and lung scans this year.

• 25:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And they came back good?

• 25:14Speaker 02

  They came back, yes. But he had like smoked cigarettes for 20 years, you know, he lived off of like candy and soda. And so it just does make me nervous.

• 25:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so he's not healthy?

• 25:25Speaker 02

  Overall, no. I would say he's not. I mean, he would argue he is.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. If he's living off candy and soda, and he smoked for 20 years, he's gonna have to be extra intentional about his health moving forward. And I'm gonna add a caveat to that, if he wants to. And so let me, let me ask you the next layer. How much of this is projected future grief?

• 25:49Speaker 02

  I mean, I am honestly a future planner, and I know it's projected future grief partially, too.

• 25:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  But I also, the thing is, we've talked about it, and I was like, I don't want my quality of life diminished because he decided to be selfish with your health. And I feel really guilty about it, because he is a great person, and I love him. But it's one of those things where I, I don't think it's fair, and I don't think it respects me or our relationship to put me in that position, out of something he could have controlled.

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let's, I'll go with you on this, on this train ride here. So what would be fair? What would he need to do to be fair?

• 26:38Speaker 02

  I think taking care of him, like exercising more, managing his cravings more. I mean, we all have, like, we all want candy and soda. But, you know, just being a little more like responsible about it, being a little more intentional with how he takes care of his body and treats it.

• 26:58Dr. John Delony?

  So you-

• 26:59Speaker 02

  I don't expect him to live 100 years with me, you know, but-

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  What's your ideal outcome?

• 27:05Speaker 02

  I think if we could just like, even if he makes it to his 70s, that would be, you know, at least give me a long time with him. And to spend time with him, like, I'm trying to retire early so I can spend more time with him. But, you know, he does things like this, and it kind of feels like I'm putting a lot of effort in, and I'm not seeing that from him as much.

• 27:29Dr. John Delony?

  Where else does he fall short?

• 27:32Speaker 02

  Honestly, he really doesn't. And that's what's kind of like so frustrating with it because he's such an amazing person. He balances everything I don't do, he does. Everything he doesn't do, I do. And we never have issues. We're just that other opposite of each other and it works out so perfectly. But this one, he, he gets so upset and he, he takes it as like a personal flight. Honestly, he'll tell me that I can't change him as a person, that I'm asking them to be a different person. And to me, it just feels like such an immature view of it. And that's why I think I struggle too, because it's like almost coming from his pride. And I don't know what to do with it.

• 28:11Dr. John Delony?

  What are some ways you've attempted?

• 28:14Speaker 02

  We've talked about it in couples counseling. I've tried to sit him down and let him know that I just want to spend more time with him. And he does acknowledge that it wouldn't be fair for him to put himself on me as a burden because he decided to be selfish. But he also doesn't feel like he needs to adjust himself. And I think in his mind, he's still 30, even if his body isn't.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  And I'm having a hard time breaking through to him. And because, you know, his, we're coming up on the anniversary of his mother's death. His father's been having a lot of health issues himself. I think it's just making me a little more anxious.

• 28:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, one of the core characteristics of anxiety is planning, projecting future travesties, and dragging them into the present and trying to solve them.

• 29:11Dr. John Delony?

  And so, it is, and you and I could talk for a few hours on just the, the landscape of your life that has led you to, I want to, I want to hang on to present and future variables as much as possible. And I'm even going to frame them in moral and character ways, as a way to further grasp control over things that might happen in the future. And at the same time, I'm, I'm, I'm tracking with you. On, I, it, it's hard to project that onto somebody, but what you're saying

• 29:55Dr. John Delony?

  is the exact reason why I started taking care of my health. Because I have family members who are unable to just go play for 30 minutes outside. And I wanted to, it, to me in my head, it felt like a way to honor my grandkids that I haven't, don't even have yet, by begin taking care of myself now. Right? So I actually, I actually buy that. I, I want my wife to walk in the front door and be like, golly, that's so annoying. He's still good looking. How old he is. Right? Like, that, that's a goal for me. Right? And so, um, I, I track with that. My experience has been,

• 30:37Dr. John Delony?

  if somebody is struggling with their health, if somebody's struggling with their weight, if somebody is struggling with their diet, and somebody's pointing a finger at them, saying, you're doing this to me, that is a, that is a two-handed shove out in the middle of the street in front of an oncoming bus. I've never, ever, ever seen that work.

• 31:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:04Dr. John Delony?

  If you're, if you're watching your husband drink a two-liter bottle of Coke and eat a bag of Twizzlers, and your first impulse is not compassion for, what in the world is that numbing out for him? I want him to have a full, wild, fun life, and that's not the path. Versus, I can't, I'm gonna freaking be having to push him in a, in a wheelchair when he has a stroke. Like, you get what I'm saying?

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:39Dr. John Delony?

  Like, one of those is a path of compassion, and people who are hurting respond to folks who sit down and grab their hands and say, I see you, and I'm worried about you, and I love you. It's really tough to be like, man, if you get cancer, it's gonna be a pain in my butt, and I'm gonna have to, like, and I, it, that's, that's a, that's pushing somebody away. You get what I'm saying?

• 32:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, and I told him, I was like, if it's like medical, like something happens, you get in a car accident, like, I'm not, I don't, it's not those things that I would push him. But I'm like, but this, like diet, if it's diet related, if you got told to start taking care of yourself, and you decided to ignore it, like, that's, that's damaging. And it, it feels like you don't care enough to take care of yourself, so we can have a happy life together.

• 32:31Dr. John Delony?

  I think that's where the algorithm, I, I a hundred percent understand what you're saying. Just having sat with folks for more than two, two and a half decades now, who are struggling like he's struggling, I just, I'm, I need to tell you, the path you're trying to get his attention on is not going to be successful.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  The path is, I want you to feel so good in your own skin. How can I love you?

• 33:00Dr. John Delony?

  Not, if you happen to get diabetes, what a pain in my butt that's gonna be.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. Okay, that makes sense.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 33:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know. And I think it's just my anxiety makes me, you know, go to the worst scenario.

• 33:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but, I, I want to challenge you on that, okay? As a guy who's struggled with anxiety my entire adult life, anxiety is not gonna make me do anything. Anxiety is an alarm system. That's it.

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  With the fire alarm goes off in the building, I still get to choose whether I sprint out and knock over old ladies and shove kids out of the way, or if I walk orderly out of the building. I get to pick what I do next. Anxiety is just the alarm.

• 33:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you feel powerless to your body, and then you're projecting that powerlessness onto this guy and making it a character issue, you're eating Twizzlers, and that's an affront to me.

• 34:02Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, that, that, that is a one loss, that is a relationship of you versus your husband, that will never be successful. If there's a conversation about, I want us to build this life together, a life of peace, a life of warmth, fun, joy, and I want to take you dancing, I want you to go hiking, I want us to continue to have crazy sex into our 50s and 60s and 70s, and I see you not feeling good anymore. I feel you slowing down. How can I love you? That's a different, that's a, that's an invitation, man.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's a, that's a wife pursuing her husband, not shoving her husband. You get, you get the difference?

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I do. And I mean, I know, my, my language is harsher than I mean it to be. And I know he doesn't respond to it. And then we've talked about that, and I try to work on it, but, you know, you're right, I feel powerless, so I get, I think it stresses me out more.

• 35:01Dr. John Delony?

  I, I want, the, William Glasser is a, is an old psychiatrist. Much of his stuff hasn't aged well, but some of his stuff, I think, is still masterful. And he talks about something called the total behavior car, if you will. And most people are driven by their emotions or their physiology. Meaning, I feel angry, I feel anxious, or my back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulder hurts, my whatever. And if we let those things drive our car, the car that is our life, we will always be running over people, shoving people, crashing into people. It's not a fun life. And so, the, the

• 35:43Dr. John Delony?

  change is, I'm gonna move my thinking and my actions to the front seat, not, not in the trunk. I can't always feel, I can't always, in fact, rarely can I manufacture feelings. My feelings are gonna come and go. My emotions are gonna get big, big, big sometimes. Cool. I get to decide what I do next. And for somebody like me, somebody like you, who feels sometimes powerless at this huge shadow of anxiety, the thing that makes it dissipate is, I'm driving. It's actually, it's the most empowering thing I can tell somebody who struggles with anxiety, which is, the path

• 36:26Dr. John Delony?

  is directly through it. Here's what that looks like for you. It's, instead of sitting there going, man, he might, he might, cool, I have to come up with my own, um, retirement account. And we're gonna have an, we're gonna start saving extra money, so I can hire some help, when and if you, fill in the blank. It's just me, this is just me owning reality, choosing reality. I don't want to do that. But it's me getting in the driver's seat of my own life, and, and not just outsourcing all of myself to this thing called anxiety, and this thing to this guy. I've got to take some ownership of my life. And you need to be super, another thing that, that dissipates anxiety is

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  clarity. When you say, work on your health, if I'm him, I would say, dude, I just went and got, I went and got a heart and lung scan. They gave me the all clear. What are you talking about?

• 37:18Dr. John Delony?

  And for most people who struggle with anxiety, they're searching for a feeling of peace, and the finish line keeps moving. So he could quit eating candy, and then it would be the sodas. And then he could quit doing that, and then it would be, he's not exercising enough. And then he would start walking, and be like, well, you never good running. And he's not, and he starts jogging a little bit, and it's like, well, you're not lifting weight. Like, the finish line keeps moving. So you getting very clear about, here is how I've seen you be the best version of yourself, where you love being alive in your own skin. Not just collapsing on the chair after a day's of, day of work, hammering a two-liter bottle of Coke. You get what I'm saying? The clarity, it's, it's finding that tension

• 38:01Dr. John Delony?

  and going right through that door with specifics. And then if he looks at you and says, I will never change. I won't. I, like, and I have this conversation all the time, I will not stop drinking. I'm not.

• 38:14Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna lose the weight. I am not going to stop cheating on you. I'm just not. Then you have to look in the mirror and say, am I gonna leave, or am I gonna stay? And if I'm gonna stay, how can I create safety inside of this world?

• 38:33Dr. John Delony?

  And all of that is about you retaining autonomy.

• 38:38Dr. John Delony?

  Do you hear what I'm saying?

• 38:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I see what you're saying, and that's really helpful because I think I focus too much on my own spiraling internally. And I kind of forget who I'm, it's someone outside of me that I'm dealing with, not my own.

• 38:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, and the path out of, remember this statement, rumination never solves anything. It feels like productive thinking, like you're practicing things.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  It never solves a thing. The path through that rumination is taking action. Cool, here goes my brain on one of its stories. I'm gonna go do something in service of three people. I'm gonna go do three things. I'm gonna go for a walk. I'm gonna go lift weights. I'm gonna go write my husband a note and tell him much I love him. I'm gonna put it on his pillow.

• 39:33Dr. John Delony?

  You hear what I'm saying?

• 39:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:35Dr. John Delony?

  It's, the prison is locked on the inside.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:41Dr. John Delony?

  But I, I think there could be a powerful conversation where you go to your husband and say, hey, I've been attacking you for a long time, and I'm sorry. I'm gonna change how I talk to you about this stuff.

• 39:57Dr. John Delony?

  I'm watching how sad you are that your dad's deteriorating, that your mom passed away, and I'm, I'm projecting how sad I'm gonna be one day when you pass away.

• 40:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm, I am, I am dragging future grief into the present, and it's poisoning our home, and I'm sorry. And I am worried about your health. I love you and worry about your health. I really do.

• 40:20Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to feel alive, and I want us to go dancing, and I want us to have fun, and I want us to be silly, and I want us to be sexy again. And I'm watching you feel less and less good in your own skin, and I wanna love you any way I can. But I'm not gonna nag you about this and that, and that and this. I'm not going to, because nagging never helps. But I'm gonna love you really, really hard.

• 40:47Dr. John Delony?

  Hang on the line here, I'm gonna send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, and I want you to read it, and um, maybe you and him can read it together, and it will give you all both a path towards creating a home that you wanna both be a part of. Thanks for the call, sister. When we come back, a woman asks how to tell her mom and her sister that she no longer wants to discuss weight loss with them. We'll be right back.

• 41:13Dr. John Delony?

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• 41:55Dr. John Delony?

  off and got all my knives right back razor sharp again, and these knives will still be sharp when my great-grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com.

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  All right, hey, before we go to the next call, my brand new book, I've been working on it for several years, it's all about answering two questions. Is marriage in the 21st century still worth it? And if so, how are we supposed to do it? The book is called Building the Marriage You Want. It's available for preorder now. If you preorder it now, it's $24.99, and you can lock in $100 in free bonus items, which includes the enhanced audiobook, early access to the ebook, and one, we've never done this before, one of my talks on communication in marriage that I gave at the Money in Marriage Retreat. People always ask me, hey, can you stream it? Can you stream it? We never stream it. I'm making this talk live for immediate download.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  Get your copy at ramsaysolutions.com/store. Building the Marriage You Want. Let's go to Boise, Idaho, and talk to Sam. Hey, Sam, what's going on?

• 43:13Speaker 03

  Good morning, Dr. John. How are you?

• 43:15Dr. John Delony?

  Good. What's up with you?

• 43:17Speaker 03

  Um, so I guess my question for today might be a little bit tamer than what you deal with normally. Um, so I-

• 43:27Dr. John Delony?

  I could use some tame, Sam. I think I need, I think I need this. But you also say, when people say that, it's, it's always 10 times worse.

• 43:37Speaker 03

  Thanks, I appreciate it. Um, so my issue lately has been with my mom and my sister. So my mom is, um, she's 70, she's going on 71, and my sister, she is 39. I am 28, so I'm the youngest. Um, I live down the street from my mom and my sister. They both live together with my sister's daughter, who's 12. Um, but I tend to go over a lot, you know, just to hang out, say what's up, um, when I'm bored or whatever. Um, lately, they have been both using a GLP-1, which is cool, great. They have been losing weight.

• 44:19Speaker 03

  I have no, you know, problem if people wanna use like a weight loss medication. I have like no judgment against that. Um, but lately, they have been, I guess, sort of pressuring me to kinda hop on that train with them, and, you know, we aren't, or I guess they aren't really an active group. I, I like to think I'm the most active out of all of them. I go hiking a lot, kayaking. Um, I'm not like the perfect weight. Um, I'm overweight for, you know, my height and age, whatever. It's kind of like an insecurity I've dealt with like my whole life, but it's, as I get

• 45:02Speaker 03

  older, it's just kind of something that I, um, don't feel as, I don't know, like irritated towards myself, or I've just kinda learned to, you know, preserve my peace towards my thoughts, towards myself, you know, try to be in a more positive mindset. Anyways, um, an incident occurred maybe about a couple of weeks ago. I was over at my mom's house, and I was just sitting in the living room watching TV, and they both kind of like, I don't know, like blindsided me. Like they, they would kind of bring up like, oh, you should try this, and you know, every time they do, I'm like, no, thank you, you know, just like, I'm not interested.

• 45:48Speaker 03

  Um, but it just got to the point where they just would not stop badgering me about it, and they were like, oh, come step on the scale. We wanna see how much you weigh. Just try, I have a little bit left over in this one shot, just try it. Um, you'll lose weight immediately. And I was just like, no, thank you. Like, I don't understand why you, you know, don't take no for answer. Um, and then it just got to the point where my sister, she grabbed my wrist and was like trying to pull me towards the kitchen where my mom keeps her medication. Um, and then my mom did the same thing with my other arm, and they're just like, kind

• 46:30Speaker 03

  of like lightly pulling me towards the kitchen, and I was just kinda like, don't you care more about, you know, my happiness other than how like I'm physically perceived? And my mom was like, I don't care if you're happy, I just want you to be healthy. And I was like, whoa. So I left, and I went back to my house, and I was really frustrated, because I was just like, dude, what did I just hear? Like, that was kinda crazy. Um, and, you know, my sister texts me, she's like, I know you're not happy. I could see it on your face whenever you come around. And it's just like, that's because like I'm around you guys, and this is kind of something

• 47:15Speaker 03

  you bring up almost every time that I'm over, you know, and it's like, I was just like, you guys are really toxic. So I guess my main question is, when these things come up, like, I know there's no magical phrase or words that I could say to just make them understand, but I guess how do I shut down the conversation in a way that just says, hey, like, I'm not down for this? Like, I'm, I'm chilling off the GLP-1s? Like, I'm over all the, you know, diet weight loss talks? Like, I'm doing things on my own? Um, I guess that's my question for you.

• 48:01Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, you've, you've, you've accomplished a rare feat, Sam, and that is, I am speechless.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Thank you. I appreciate it. It's kind of been something that, um, like, has been brought up with my mom, her, or my entire life, especially like growing up. So it's like, I guess a lot of those insecurities I've had in adulthood kind of stem from that. And it's like, she, you know, she wasn't, she's not a really active person either, so it's like-

• 48:32Dr. John Delony?

  I, I know, I know, but let's do this, Sam. Let's don't, let's, because you're playing their same game.

• 48:38Speaker 03

  Okay, thank you.

• 48:39Dr. John Delony?

  Because their, their game they're playing is, we are now suddenly going to be thin, which is gonna give us the life we've always dreamed of. And you're not thin, so you can't possibly be happy, joyful, active. You have to be surrounded by shame and self-loathing like us. And your response, please don't let it be, well, I'm active and y'all aren't active, right? You end up playing the same game, just with a different scoreboard.

• 49:08Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:09Dr. John Delony?

  Opt out completely.

• 49:12Dr. John Delony?

  Opt out of that game completely. To answer your question, um-

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  My hope is you don't go back over to that house.

• 49:27Dr. John Delony?

  Like, listen to, like, I want you to hear back what you told me. It's not that they were there telling you that you're less than because you're overweight. It's not that they sat down and said, hey, we found some really unique benefits with this GLP-1, which I've heard over and over. It's great and yada, yada, and it's, man, if you want to talk about it, that's good. They physically grabbed you and tried to drag you into another room to inject you with medicine.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:58Dr. John Delony?

  That a doctor has not prescribed you.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, that was.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  That's madness.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  I was like, that's really honestly gross on like a physical aspect.

• 50:08Dr. John Delony?

  And a psychological and a spiritual and it's a, it's a gross affront on every, it's illegal. It's, it's on every single plane. That's not okay.

• 50:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what's heartbreaking, that you have to metabolize. Right? Ooh, bad, bad use of the word metabolize there. That was my bad.

• 50:34Dr. John Delony?

  Is you probably have a link,

• 50:41Dr. John Delony?

  not just a, an aunt, an Aunt Sam link, but a deeply rooted connection to this 12-year-old little girl.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, because honestly, it's been kind of, you know, dad to see.

• 50:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, it's heartbreaking and.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  The, it's the same cycle that's kind of like starting over.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  That's exactly right.

• 51:04Speaker 03

  And I'm like, dude, like, I'm watching this happen again, but from the outside, in a sense.

• 51:09Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 51:10Speaker 03

  Weird.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  But you're gonna have to grieve the fact

• 51:17Dr. John Delony?

  that your mom and your sister have put stipulations on their ability to love you.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  And that's, that's a nightmare.

• 51:30Speaker 03

  It, yeah, it kind of is. I mean, don't get me wrong, like, I do, I do love them. I love all of them.

• 51:36Dr. John Delony?

  Stop, stop, stop, stop. You've been protecting them your whole freaking life, at least for this 10 minutes, don't.

• 51:44Dr. John Delony?

  What they did to you is horrific and wrong, and I'm sorry.

• 51:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I, I guess there could be a, a case to be made, I'm, I'm thinking of this in real time, so I might say this wrong.

• 52:00Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what makes this especially insidious to me, is I think that they thought they were doing the right thing.

• 52:08Dr. John Delony?

  And that makes it even, that makes it wor, that, that, that makes it even harder to internalize because you can't just say they're evil.

• 52:20Dr. John Delony?

  You have to say, oh, you think this is loving me? Holding me down and dragging me and trying to inject me with your used medicine?

• 52:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:31Dr. John Delony?

  Right? There's a, like, you're not evil. Y'all are insane.

• 52:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that a lot about them, yeah.

• 52:40Dr. John Delony?

  And, and so here's the thing, all you can control at the end of the day is you.

• 52:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 52:49Dr. John Delony?

  And if you want to keep going back and inserting yourself in that relationship, in that situation, on that couch, knowing what's coming, you're an adult, you can do that.

• 53:01Dr. John Delony?

  Or if you want to begin to seek support and care from other wise, older women in your life that are not them too,

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  because what they did was wrong.

• 53:17Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have to grieve the fact that your mom put stipulations on what love looks like. I'll love you

• 53:25Dr. John Delony?

  if you take the medication I say you need to take and you internalize it, you think you're happy, but I, I know you're not.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:38Dr. John Delony?

  It's Gaslighting 101.

• 53:43Dr. John Delony?

  Sam, it's not weird, it's wrong.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  And can I tell you the, the thing I want you to be really careful of?

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  If and when the day comes

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  that you decide, I wanna, I, not from a place of shame, not from a place of I'm not worthy, not from a place of I'm not lovable, not from a place of I'm not beautiful, but from a place of, I wanna, I, I just, I get one lap around this track called Life and I deserve to feel good in my own skin.

• 54:23Dr. John Delony?

  Don't not pursue support and care

• 54:28Dr. John Delony?

  to spite them, because you'll pay the price for that.

• 54:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:32Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 54:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:45Dr. John Delony?

  This is a big one.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I mean, you're right, when I, somebody says a call is tame and ends up being 10 times worse, so. Um, yeah, I mean, I guess from like an outside perspective, it's like, of course, it's like my family, so I'm just like, you guys are crazy and weird, and then, you know, we try to move on and, you know, they try to, you know, say sorry just to, I guess, shut me up, but then it's like, you know, hearing it from you, I mean, you're pretty well-versed in family relationships and relationships in general, so.

• 55:22Dr. John Delony?

  I just know that shame has never changed a human spirit, ever.

• 55:26Speaker 03

  Right.

• 55:31Dr. John Delony?

  My buddy Ian Simkin says, whatever you think hate is doing, whatever you think shame is doing, love can do better.

• 55:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sorry you don't have that.

• 55:52Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 55:54Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge before you is you can't go through your life without it.

• 56:00Dr. John Delony?

  And if the, especially your old, your mom, if the one person, for God's sakes, your mom, won't give it to you without stipulation,

• 56:10Dr. John Delony?

  the hard, hellacious road ahead of you is to go find it.

• 56:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:16Dr. John Delony?

  From someone who will love you.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  And yes, love means challenge too.

• 56:23Dr. John Delony?

  Love means honesty, but love never means shame.

• 56:35Dr. John Delony?

  Do you know what I'm saying?

• 56:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, no, I, I get it. Um, I guess I've kind of, I guess, especially, you know, growing teenage years, it's like, did feel a lot of shame for, I don't know, I guess, just being me, and then it's like the older I get, it's like, I, you know, I, I grow confident and just learn, you know, ways to, you know, um, take care of myself, my brain, all that. Um, I mean, I'm not perfect, but.

• 57:08Dr. John Delony?

  I am, so, I'm just kidding. None of us are, none of us are, right?

• 57:13Speaker 03

  Right, right. I just, I really try to just work on, work on myself a lot, so, it's like, when things like this happen, I'm just like, whoa.

• 57:21Dr. John Delony?

  I know, but also, I, I get the sense from you that you're a, kind of just chuckle it away.

• 57:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  And that, that helps you avoid a lifetime of you walking downstairs or walking into the kitchen and seeing the look of disgust on your mom's face.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:41Dr. John Delony?

  And seeing your big older sister who you idolize and love, and you've sat with her through relationship breakups and all, heard all the stories, and then she looks at you and goes, ugh.

• 57:53Speaker 03

  I mean, I wouldn't say idolized, but, you know.

• 57:56Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? She's your big sister.

• 57:57Speaker 03

  Respect, yeah, yeah.

• 57:59Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, man.

• 58:10Dr. John Delony?

  I have high, high, high love and care and respect for parents who sit down with their kids who are, who are unhealthy and say, I'm worried about you. I love you.

• 58:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:20Dr. John Delony?

  I have zero respect for people, for parents who look at their kids with disgust.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:32Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, separate from your mom, separate from your sister, my biggest dream for you

• 58:39Dr. John Delony?

  is that you wake up and you feel good in your own skin. And part of that is psychological, but part of that is physical, that your back doesn't hurt and your knees don't hurt, and you can go hike whenever the heck you want to, you can go dancing, don't be silly and goofy, all that matters, right?

• 58:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:58Dr. John Delony?

  It's a both and, and the, the dragon you're gonna have to really wrestle with is I don't want to do these things out of spite.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. I mean, I like to think I don't, I just kind of do things because I, I do love going outside and immersing myself in the outdoors and just

• 59:20Dr. John Delony?

  Great.

• 59:21Speaker 03

  Enjoying nature, like, I do it pretty frequently, so it's like, when they brought this up, I was just kind of like, um, you know, not, not trying to play their game too, but I'm, like, I'm a pretty active person, like.

• 59:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but it was, again, we're, we're not talking about activity levels, and we're not talking, we're, we're talking about a mom who looks at her daughter and says, I'm gonna put my disgust with myself and my lifelong um, shame with how I look, I'm gonna cast that on my daughter and make her carry it too.

• 59:58Dr. John Delony?

  So much so that I'm gonna try to drag her into the kitchen and inject her with medicine.

• 1:00:04Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna rally her sister too.

• 1:00:11Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry that you're wrestling with that.

• 1:00:17Dr. John Delony?

  You cannot go over there anymore, or you can let them know, hey, if y'all bring this up again, I'm just gonna walk out. And so if you're sitting on the couch, hanging out with your niece, and your sister says, so, have you thought about, you just get up and walk out the door. Just go home. You live right on the street.

• 1:00:32Dr. John Delony?

  Or you can, I think a break is warranted. They put their hands on you.

• 1:00:38Dr. John Delony?

  And tried to force you into just madness. It's madness.

• 1:00:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, this was, I just, I called it. Anytime somebody says, ah, this is a light one. Almost never is. I'm sorry that you're wrestling with this.

• 1:00:55Dr. John Delony?

  You're worth feeling good in your own skin.

• 1:00:59Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

• 1:01:02Dr. John Delony?

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• 1:01:47Dr. John Delony?

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• 1:02:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, something awesome happened. What is it?

• 1:02:32Speaker 04

  All right, so this is from Amy in West Alice, Wisconsin. And she writes, "The Ramsey Network, and particularly John and team, have helped me change my family tree. I am one of the OG 17. I had a lot of trauma in my childhood. This show inspired me to face the forest fire of dysfunction that I grew up in and begin healing before starting a family. I knew I didn't want to repeat my childhood, but I didn't know where to start. The show and therapy has changed me so much. My husband and I now have a one and a three-year-old, and I am amazed by the different life that we are creating for our kids. We just became debt-free, including the mortgage."

• 1:03:10Dr. John Delony?

  Dang.

• 1:03:11Speaker 04

  "I felt that it would be the final step in July in truly changing our family tree. My toddlers quickly humbled me by acting like toddlers at a celebratory dinner, though."

• 1:03:21Dr. John Delony?

  Nice.

• 1:03:21Speaker 04

  "Not being bad, just being toddlers. Doing the healing has given me so much patience and peace. That may not have been the magic finish line for us, but I am reminded quite frequently when raising our kids that we are truly changing our tree, day by day. It stops with me."

• 1:03:37Dr. John Delony?

  Damn. What's her name?

• 1:03:40Speaker 04

  Amy.

• 1:03:41Dr. John Delony?

  One word, Amy. Hell, yeah. That's so awesome. I know it's two words.

• 1:03:48Dr. John Delony?

  Kelly suddenly turns into a grammar math nerd at the same time. Actually, it's two words. Is there a comma between hell and yeah?

• 1:03:57Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:03:58Dr. John Delony?

  Exclamation point at the end?

• 1:04:00Speaker 04

  Definitely.

• 1:04:02Dr. John Delony?

  Unless you're cool. If you're like, super cool, and you're just like, hell, yeah. Like, period. That's kind of the dopest way to do it. That's kind of awesome. Hey, Amy, I mean, I'm speechless. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. Congratulations, sister. Keep going, day by day by day. Love you guys. Bye.