Caller: “I Can’t Stop Yelling at My Wife”

❤️ Preorder Building the Marriage You Want today and get $100+ in bonus items. On today’s episode, we hear about: A man trying to control his anger around his family A mom wondering how to tell her kids about their family secret A husband struggling to get his wife to go to therapy Next Steps: 💬 Get the free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters: 00:00 Intro 00:01:34 My Rage Is Destroying My Relationships 00:19:46 My Mom’s Doctor Is Secretly My Dad 00:31:37 My Wife Refuses to Go to Therapy Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  My brand new book, I've been working on it for several years. It's all about answering two questions. Is marriage in the 21st century still worth it? And if so, how are we supposed to do it? The book is called Building the Marriage You Want. It's available for preorder now. Get your copy at ramsaysolutions.com/store. Building the Marriage You Want.

• 0:28Speaker 01

  I've got an issue with anger. For me, man, it feels like it's breaking containment. Obviously, that's had some really big impacts on my relationship with my kids, with my wife, my relationship with myself.

• 0:41Dr. John Delony?

  What a grown up look like?

• 0:43Speaker 01

  I think you probably already have an idea.

• 0:51Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're hanging out with us today. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you've got going on in your life, I'm glad you're here. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes. This is a show with real people going through real challenges. And we're going to pull up a not real seat. We're going to pick up the phone and talk to each other. Try to figure out what's the best next right move for you, for your family, for whatever you can control. I'm super honored to have people call into the show. And I'm super honored to have folks who put their earphones in, their earbuds in and listen and become part of this community that we're building here. Let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk to JT.

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  Hey JT, what's up, brother?

• 1:38Speaker 01

  Hey, John, thanks so much for having me on the show, man.

• 1:42Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. Dude, thanks for calling.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. Hey, so the headline for me is I've got an issue with anger. It's something that is, you've described it before as somebody that feels like they have like a nuclear reactor in their chest.

• 2:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  Kind of walking around. For me, man, it feels like it's breaking containment. Like it's leaking, like I can feel it pretty constantly. And it feels just like something I can almost kind of tap into at any moment. It feels like a constant presence. And what that looks like for my daily life is it doesn't take much to get me to kind of react really strongly, kind of lash out in anger. And obviously, that's had some really big impacts on my relationship with my kids, with my wife, my relationship with myself.

• 2:42Speaker 01

  I'm trying to figure out, work through, how can I do a better job of controlling this? So I can be a better husband, a better father, a better person overall.

• 2:54Dr. John Delony?

  How many kids you got, brother?

• 2:57Speaker 01

  I've got two.

• 2:57Dr. John Delony?

  Two kids. How old are they?

• 3:00Speaker 01

  They are five and seven.

• 3:01Dr. John Delony?

  Five and seven. Take a breath. I'm glad you're here, man.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  Thanks.

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  That was hard to say that out loud. And I'm not going to beat you up, okay? I'm here with you. Cool?

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Sounds good.

• 3:16Dr. John Delony?

  Pull the string for me. What a grown up look like?

• 3:24Speaker 01

  I think you probably already have an idea. I think this kind of thing runs in families, especially, you know, as a man, seeing the example of my dad. He had huge issues with anger. I think he felt cheated in life, like he never got opportunities. And he really took it out on us. I was never physically hurt, but I was terrified growing up. You just never knew what was going to set him off. And, you know, is tonight going to be the night that, you know, he breaks this thing that's really important to me?

• 4:06Speaker 01

  Or smashes, smashes something or, you know, my mom walks out the door, something like that. So it's, it was an unstable childhood.

• 4:20Dr. John Delony?

  Where was your mom in this?

• 4:23Speaker 01

  She was there, but she was really, really passive. Really passive in the whole situation. And, you know, there are times I don't, I didn't really remember this until my brother brought it up to me. So it was just me and my brother growing up. That she tried to leave a few times. Going so far as to like, just walking down the road and us not knowing exactly where she went and my dad tracking her down with us in the car. It was, yeah, I think obviously really hard for her.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  And then I think she stayed there because of us.

• 5:11Dr. John Delony?

  This is one of those hard things to say publicly, okay? Out loud, because I know how it's going to resonate. And I know there's like massive complications. It's a much easier thing for me to sit, to look you in the eye and say this if you and I were one-on-one in a room without microphones. Okay, so I know what I'm going to say is going to cause all kind of stir. But I don't have a responsibility to the stirrers. I have a responsibility to you. Okay? And so you were let down by both of your parents?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  And I never want to blame a woman in an abusive situation. Because I know what that means to, I mean, I don't have a lived experience, but I've sat with enough folks to know what it means to start a life over and possibly not have protection, et cetera, et cetera.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:13Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm only speaking to you right now. And I have deep compassion for your mom. She can't leave two boys, two children, two kids, two babies in a cage with a ferocious bear. Right?

• 6:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yep. And so hear me say this. Your anger's right. And I'd be willing to bet if you and I talked for a while, I could be wrong, but it's rooted in powerlessness. And now you're married, now you've got two kids, and the same dragons are still in the middle of your chest, which is you've got all these other people telling you what you have to do, all these other people relying on you with their whims and their concerns and their problems. And it gets tighter and tighter and tighter. And you're looking for something to punch a hole through.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'd say, I'd say that's pretty spot on. I also, that really rings true. Mainly because I, like, looking back and seeing the experiences where I've, where it feels like that nuclear reactor is just, you know, has escaped containment. Those are the times when I felt the most powerless. My wife and I were foster parents. We adopted one of our kiddos out of foster care. And that whole experience of being foster parents was just being told we could not do things.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  We could not do what we knew what was right for our kids that were put into our care.

• 8:03Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  And then recently, I actually just lost my job earlier this year.

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. That's a lot.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to, I want you to hear me say this, and I'm not saying this in a bro way, okay? I'm saying this as a guy who loves you, okay?

• 8:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:26Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sitting here right now, I'm not scared of your anger, okay? And so I want you to feel free to set it down for a second.

• 8:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:36Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to push on you, but I'm pushing on you not as a, like, two guys outside of a bar. I'm pushing on you because I believe you're stronger than you think you are, by a hell of a lot. When you speak to yourself, the stories you tell yourself, that this thing that lives within me is breaking containment, that is the exact dragon you've been chasing your whole life, which is, I am not in control. And so I want you to change your language with yourself. I am in control.

• 9:18Dr. John Delony?

  I, it doesn't, I don't accidentally punch a hole through something. I don't accidentally scream and yell. It doesn't build up so much that there has to be a release. I chose that. And that means I can choose to not do that. And if in that moment, I literally can't choose to do that, which I've, and I've sat with those folks, I will choose to go with the help that I need.

• 9:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:44Dr. John Delony?

  But it's all about you saying, I will be in the driver's seat from this point forward. And that is you reclaiming your own power that has been taken away from you since you were a little, little bitty kid.

• 10:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, my, uh, my wife calls that controlling the controllables.

• 10:07Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it's annoying when our wives are right, right? You know what I mean?

• 10:11Speaker 01

  I mean, uh, yeah, she's a, I'm pretty lucky. Um, yeah, I, I think my question for you though is, um, yeah, I, I guess in that moment, I can say, you know, I, I can't control this. I can't control my reaction.

• 10:28Dr. John Delony?

  I, I want you to stop focusing on the moment because I mean, that's like, it's like, it's an alcoholic surrounding himself with alcohol at all times. You've already lost.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Right.

• 10:40Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Um, when I, when I, when I'm, there will come moments when you have to make hard choices. I'm going to walk out of here. I'm gonna go for a walk, right? Like, I get that. But I'm talking about really what your wife said. What in your life can you reclaim autonomy over, agency over? And, and I'll tell you, for me, it was walking into a therapist's office and finally, for the first time, telling somebody the truth about some wild crap that happened to me.

• 11:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:12Dr. John Delony?

  It might be you going to an inpatient program, going to like our friends at Capstone and just say, I'm gonna go spend three to five days and do an intensive.

• 11:22Dr. John Delony?

  And like, I'm unplugging for, you don't even have a job. I'm gonna unplug for a minute. I got to unhook this reactor in the middle of my chest.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Well, let's say we don't have the resources to do like a, uh, like a, a three day, you know, some time to get away. If I'm, and I, I can't leave, I need to, you know, just logistically, it can't work. How do I kind of in my daily life, create opportunities to, um, release that pressure or, or practice? I, I wanna, I guess for me, it's like, how do I practically create more, um, momentum towards controlling this, this part of me?

• 12:08Dr. John Delony?

  How old are you?

• 12:12Speaker 01

  Forty-one.

• 12:16Dr. John Delony?

  Has anything you've tried in the last 36 years worked?

• 12:23Speaker 01

  No.

• 12:26Dr. John Delony?

  So at some point, the most courageous thing you can do is to tap out?

• 12:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:34Dr. John Delony?

  And say, I need to go get somebody to help me?

• 12:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  Cause, cause the path for you is not managing the pressure. The path for you, like, if you're thinking of like a two-liter bottle that's completely shaken up, the path isn't, how do I learn how to just gently release the cap at the top so that no liquid gets out, but all the gas gets out? It's cutting a hole in the bottom of the two-liter so everything drains out. I'm not playing the game anymore. You get what I'm saying?

• 13:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  But you have to look in the mirror and tell your something, tell yourself something and believe it, that, that your two primary caregivers didn't tell you. And that is, you're worth feeling good in your own skin.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  And we repeat those stories based on what people told us. And if you've never been told that story, it will feel like a lie. If you can't get away because of resources, it will look like you going to, um, see somebody locally.

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that's courage. And you not going in there and acting hard, because you've been acting hard your whole life, dude. It's going in there and dropping your shoulders and telling the truth, for God's sakes.

• 13:48Dr. John Delony?

  It means getting off all screens and going to bed early.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're a ruminator and ruminators become scrollers and scrollers become unslept maniacs.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  Yeah. I mean, we're, I'm doing, I'm doing a little bit of that. Uh, my wife keeps me honest.

• 14:08Dr. John Delony?

  You're doing a lot of it. So I want you, delete it all, brother. Delete it all. Delete it all. What, what's it, what's it giving you?

• 14:19Speaker 01

  Distraction.

• 14:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. It's another drink and another drink. It's feeding the rage machine.

• 14:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:31Dr. John Delony?

  Ask your wife for a 60-second hug when you wake up in the morning. Ask your wife how I can love you today. Go get two jobs. Give yourself a purpose, not because I've got to, because I get to, because I'm driving now.

• 14:50Dr. John Delony?

  Anger is right. It points to things that should be a different way. It points to things that matter.

• 14:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so when you get angry about something, write it down.

• 15:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  Give the angry you of, he's always gonna be at the table.

• 15:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:08Dr. John Delony?

  You know that one idiot cousin that always runs their mouth at Christmas and everyone just rolls their eyes when he starts telling you the story about the truck engine he's gonna get and he's gonna change it up? That's your anger. He, he is gonna have a seat at the table. When he starts talking, you, it's not you. It's one of the seats at the table, one of the voices at the table. Roll your eyes and get on about your life. And I'm making it sound way too easy. It's not that easy. You're gonna need some professional support.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 15:36Dr. John Delony?

  And if alcohol, if food, if media, you have to know, this thing sets me off. And so for the time being, I'm out. I'm abstaining totally. I cannot drink anymore. Because one alcohol, one drink turns into 30.

• 15:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 15:54Dr. John Delony?

  It's, this is not about you flexing anymore. It's about saying I'm powerless. This is AA.

• 16:00Dr. John Delony?

  Anger, you win. I'm not carrying you around anymore. And if you haven't, you've probably heard me say this, but forgiveness is for you.

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  And so possibly writing a letter to your dad, writing a letter to your mom about all the tough stuff.

• 16:22Dr. John Delony?

  And about who you're going to become now.

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  And don't send the letter. Set it on fire. Burn it in the trash bin. Put it in the grill, whatever.

• 16:33Dr. John Delony?

  And again, all this is stuff you'll do with a counselor, with a, with a professional therapist. I want you to, you, you've gotta go sit with somebody professionally. You wouldn't be calling me if you weren't on the edge. Wake up every morning and write yourself in a small little notebook by your bed. Today I'm going to. You're worth it, my man. You're worth it. Your kids are worth it. Your wife is worth it. But man, I'm talking to you. You're worth it. And I'm so sorry. So sorry.

• 17:02Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm proud of you. And if resources, I know resources are tight for everybody, man. It's a chaotic time economically. Hang on the line. I'll hook you up with three free months of BetterHelp. Um, we'll get you set up there. Um, do reach out to my friends over at Capstone. You're an ideal candidate for a three to five day intensive. Um, do reach out to them, um, and see what they can, what kind of deal they can work out with you. But it's, it's, it would be transformative for you, I, I believe. Um, and call me back anytime. All of this starts with an identity change, which is you look in the mirror and saying, I'm worth peace. And I'm an agent of peace in my life, in my marriage, in my

• 17:44Dr. John Delony?

  parenting relationship, in my home. And I'm gonna reverse engineer that with action steps that are gonna bring me here.

• 17:53Dr. John Delony?

  I love you, my brother, and I'm grateful that you called. Today's day one. Congratulations. Game on. When we come back, a woman asks how and when she should tell her kids about their donor conceived family history. We'll be right back.

• 18:10Dr. John Delony?

  This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Every year, you tell yourself you're going to handle this year's holidays differently. You're gonna stay calmer. You're gonna feel more peace. But then the same old patterns show up. The same family tensions, the same challenges you have to keeping healthy boundaries, and you find yourself cranky and tired and even snapping at people that you love. Listen, this year can be different. You still have time to get ahead of all of the chaos and understand what's behind your reactions. And you can develop a plan for moving through the holidays with peace. Therapy can help you build this healthier plan before you actually need it. When you're ready to have that conversation, check out BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  with more than 30,000 licensed therapists across its network. This means you can find someone who can help you feel more peaceful this holiday season, help you develop a plan, or help you with whatever your needs and goals are. If the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. If you thought about trying therapy with BetterHelp, insurance options may now be available nationwide through participating providers. And eligible members have an average copay of just 23 bucks a session. Listen, you know what's coming. This year, you have time to keep calm ahead of all of the holiday chaos by preparing differently. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni to check out your payment options.

• 19:39Dr. John Delony?

  That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni, or click the link in the description.

• 19:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Phoenix and talk to Roxy. Hey, Roxy, what's up?

• 19:51Speaker 02

  Hi, thank you for having my call.

• 19:53Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you for picking up and being a part of the show. What's going on?

• 19:58Speaker 02

  So a few years ago, my mom and dad invited my brother and I over and let us know that my dad was not my dad and that my mom was inseminated through that process. We discovered it was the doctor. And I want to tell my teenage son.

• 20:16Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, it was the doctor?

• 20:18Speaker 02

  It was the doctor, yeah.

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

  Did he do this maliciously?

• 20:24Speaker 02

  The feeling is that no, he did it to help. You know, I've met with the other siblings. That's kind of the thought behind it, that he had to do it in medical school and he just randomly helped women throughout the years.

• 20:41Dr. John Delony?

  That person should be in jail.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, he's no longer with us. This is a long time ago and in my early 40s. And I guess this was just how it was. That was my biggest hurdle was the ethical implications of this. I mean, he delivered me. It's crazy.

• 20:59Dr. John Delony?

  Good God almighty. So he just thought he would quietly help out women by?

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:05Dr. John Delony?

  He's a psychopath.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, yeah, it was hard to swallow.

• 21:14Dr. John Delony?

  My gosh, I'm so sorry. Good grief.

• 21:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yikes. So how old's your son?

• 21:24Speaker 02

  My son is about to be 16. And the issue that I really see is that my brother has no desire to tell his kids. And my son and his son are two weeks apart. Best friends go to high school together. So I don't know how to tell him without making him keep this big secret.

• 21:45Dr. John Delony?

  I mean,

• 21:48Dr. John Delony?

  your values are butting up against your brother's values. And that's your brother's responsibility. His choice to not be honest with his son

• 22:00Dr. John Delony?

  is gonna have consequences.

• 22:04Dr. John Delony?

  And you can't hold all of those consequences. That's his. That's his boundary that he's drawing. It's his decision that he's making. What you can do is the next right thing for your son, which is to be honest with him. This has medical implications. This has genetic implications. This has all kinds of implications that he needs to know about.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  That's how I feel. Like, you know, we're not hundreds, which is what I kind of tell myself. You know, there's only 10 that we know, a little over 10 that we know of. But yes, you need to know. He needs to know. I just don't know how to tell him.

• 22:38Dr. John Delony?

  Well, I think you need to get the picture in your head right. And essentially, because you're not there anymore and it's all backstory and who knows how and what? Who knows, like if this doctor and your mom sat down and had a conversation? If this doctor was like evil, like inseminating women without their consent or knowledge? Just in an effort to spread himself all over the planet? You know what I mean? Like, who knows?

• 23:10Speaker 02

  I do know. Like, my mom had told me, he was like, no, I'm not doing it anymore. I did it when I was younger and she was like crying. She wanted a family. My dad couldn't. And she truly believes that he did this to help her. And there is a large gap that we know of, at least 10 years between my brother and I and the other siblings that all seem to be just out of medical school. So, I mean, the story tracks. And, I mean, the siblings are all friends. And they're friends with his actual children. And it's just all weird, but.

• 23:46Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. I mean, I don't know what benefit they would have to just become enemies with everybody. So kudos to them for being adults in a really crazy situation.

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, once you get the story in your mind right, grandma went behind granddad's back and did this.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  Oh, he knew. Yeah.

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, he knew too?

• 24:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, he, they didn't know. They didn't guarantee it was the doctor. They just suspected. But my dad was part of the let's have kids.

• 24:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, I mean, that honestly makes it a bit easier. Which is, you're 16 now, so I have to tell you about our family history. Because it's gonna be important to you as you get older. Look him in the eye and say, it's going about to get real, real, real fresh in here with me and you. And I know your mom, you don't want to hear about this stuff, but we're doing it. And he'll be like, no, mom, no. But just, just, just go through it.

• 24:45Dr. John Delony?

  But let him know, here's the best case, here's the best situation we have. He's probably gonna want a DNA test, or maybe he won't, but one day he might. Have you already gotten a DNA test?

• 24:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what prompted all this.

• 24:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so it's confirmed.

• 24:57Speaker 02

  Bought one, yes. Oh, no, it's confirmed.

• 24:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you could say, like, I know granddad will always be granddad. And, but you're, biologically, we are connected to this other man. And so it'll be important to have his medical records. It'll be important to have his information. That kind of stuff will be important. And here's a whole list of half siblings that you're technically related to.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  All right.

• 25:27Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And best of luck to you on all of it.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Is there a certain age? Like, I have two other children, but they're younger. Like, is there a right age to introduce this information?

• 25:39Dr. John Delony?

  No, if it was you,

• 25:43Dr. John Delony?

  that, like, your mom waited way, way, way too long to where it's disorienting.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 25:50Dr. John Delony?

  This is, this is one generation removed. And so you're talking family lore at this point. That does impact them genetically, but doesn't super... You get what I'm saying? Like, them needing to know your parents' fertility struggles, they don't need to know that at 10. All right. Once you get to be 14, 15, 16, yeah, I think we're sitting down having conversations. But again,

• 26:19Dr. John Delony?

  your kids will take their cue for how serious or awful or tragic or traumatic this is from you. And so if you sit down and be like, I got a wild one for you with a smile on your face. Guess what I found out a few years ago? And I'm, I'm still, I'm still wrestling with this. I'm still wrestling for what it all means. I didn't know all that. You know what I mean? But having that conversation with your kids in that spirit versus you sit down, you sit them down and you're tense as all can be and you're nervous. They will pick that up and they will own it. And they will, they will hear everything you say through that speaker.

• 27:02Dr. John Delony?

  This is scary. This is bad. This is awful. This is big. And it may be those things. And if it is, sit them down and say, I've got something really heavy and serious that's on my heart and mind, right?

• 27:13Speaker 02

  And I, I just don't want to put stipulations on it, but I don't know how to, I understand what my brother's doing. But do I let him know? Do I say, hey, don't say anything to your grandfather. It might be uncomfortable. Like, I guess I don't, I don't know how to handle that.

• 27:28Dr. John Delony?

  You said, yeah, I would tell him, my brother, your uncle Jim, right? Uncle Jim has decided not to tell his son. So I am gonna ask you to not, to be a person of character and not pass this along.

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 27:44Dr. John Delony?

  And yes, we're not gonna, you could tell him, I'm not bringing this up with, with my mom and dad. This is not for you to bring up with your grandparents. This is between us. This is just to give you a fuller picture of your life. You're about to turn 17, 18. You're gonna have to start answering medical questions. You're gonna have to start going, you're gonna start going to the doctor on your own in a year and a half or two. Going to college, like, you need to know family history stuff and I'll give you the best information I got.

• 28:11Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  All right.

• 28:14Dr. John Delony?

  And I think it's important for him to know, like, any questions are okay.

• 28:21Dr. John Delony?

  Any, any questions, any mechanical questions, any, like, whatever questions. And I'd also tell him this, this is another big one. I would tell him as a 16-year-old, you are not to be reaching out to potential half siblings. When you're 18, you can do what you want. But 16 is too young.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:43Dr. John Delony?

  And if people reach out to you, you need to let me know ASAP. So,

• 28:49Dr. John Delony?

  if I were you, I'd probably map all this out. I'd probably write it down. And again, how I have conversations with my kids is, especially big ones like this, like, I try to intentionally have a smile on my face and say, hey, I got a big one. Here we, this is gonna be a big one. And I want them at that, that, that level of ease, knowing I'm not scared of this conversation, but it's a pretty big deal. And it's a big enough deal that I'm kind of getting the chuckles. Or if I have to have a hard conversation with them, I tell them, hey, this is a big deal. And they hear it in my voice that we're not laughing, we're not playing. This is, this is a big deal. But it's, it's my job as a parent to set the tone, the environment, the electricity in the room, if you will.

• 29:32Dr. John Delony?

  Because your kids will absorb, absorb, absorb that. So. Man, I'm sorry this happened to you, Roxy, and it sounds like you're, you're on the right path.

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  It's a messy world we live in. That's all I'll say. Messy world we live in. Thanks for the call. Best of luck to this conversation and to you and your kids. When we come back, a man asks how to support his wife through severe mental health struggles when she refuses to get care. We'll be right back. Hey, all of you stay at home parents out there, listen up. There's a blind spot that could wreck your family's future. Thinking that only the one earning the paycheck in your life needs life insurance coverage. Here's the truth. Even if you don't have an income, what you do for your home is priceless. It's critically important. 24/7 childcare,

• 30:26Dr. John Delony?

  preparing two meals a day plus lunches, chauffeuring kids all over the town, and taming household chaos. It would be impossible to replace all of the things you do, and it would not be cheap. Your family depends on way more than a paycheck, which is why both you and your partner need term life insurance from Xander. Xander shops the top rated companies to find the best coverage options for your needs and your budget. And you'll find out covering both of you probably costs a lot less than you think it will. With term life from Xander, you have peace of mind that your family will always be taken care of. I've used Xander for most of my adult life, and my wife and I sleep better knowing that

• 31:09Dr. John Delony?

  both of us are covered with life insurance, and we both know that our family will be protected. What you do is irreplaceable. But if something happens to you, term life insurance helps protect your family, no matter whose name is on the paycheck. Get this done today by going to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free quote. That's xander with a Z.com or click the link in the description. All right, let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Peter. Hey, Peter, what's up?

• 31:42Speaker 03

  John, how you doing today?

• 31:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

• 31:46Speaker 03

  I am busier than a beaver on a new dam, but having the time of my life.

• 31:50Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. Excellent. What's going on, dude? How can I help?

• 31:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Been married to my wife for about two years now, and some stuff's coming up. We're both realizing that she has some pretty serious trauma. She's taken the ACE's score just on her own. She scores a 10 out of 10, so pretty high trauma there. And yeah, we both grew up in homes where therapy was poo-pooed, doctors were poo-pooed, and you know, that whole side of life was like, ah, just tough it out, you know, pray, you're good to go. So all this trauma's coming up. She has a massive distrust of therapists in general. I've been like, hey, I really want you to go. And she's like, yeah, I know I need to. I just, she tells me she doesn't believe she can open up to

• 32:36Speaker 03

  a therapist, and she doesn't believe that the therapist can actually help her with what's going on. And so I'm like, well, I can't force you to go. But I'm struggling with resentment, because you know, with ACE's a 10, she's got some stuff to deal with, and so she kind of ends up vomiting on me sometimes.

• 32:55Dr. John Delony?

  I was gonna say, your life is hell. Hers is too, but your life is hell.

• 32:59Speaker 03

  Well, sometimes. Sometimes, yes.

• 33:02Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. I know you love your wife, and I know you're a good man.

• 33:05Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 33:06Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want you defending her to the point of dishonesty with me on this call, okay?

• 33:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:13Dr. John Delony?

  It's hard, isn't it?

• 33:14Speaker 03

  Yes, it is. Home can be tough sometimes.

• 33:18Dr. John Delony?

  Home can be probably tough a lot.

• 33:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:21Dr. John Delony?

  Because even when it's good, there's that edge, right?

• 33:26Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. And we both want to have kids someday, and we're just trying to deal with this as best as we can. So I just want to figure out how I can encourage her to go to therapy. What can I do? I feel like I'm out of tools. I listened to you for years, and I've used as many tools as I can from you, and you've helped me a ton. So thank you for that, first off. But I just need some more tools. Like, she's my ride or die. I'm her ride or die.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna push on you. She's not. You're riding.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:03Dr. John Delony?

  And she's riding next to you. But she's dragging behind her a chain with 10,000 pounds behind the bike.

• 34:14Speaker 03

  That's exactly. It's a perfect picture.

• 34:18Dr. John Delony?

  And so she's not interested at this moment of cutting that chain. So she's not riding or dying with you. She's riding or dying with her trauma, her traumatic past.

• 34:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:32Dr. John Delony?

  And she'll let you ride next to her if you want to drive real slow.

• 34:35Speaker 03

  Well, I'm also really good at helping her. I bring peace to her, to her life.

• 34:44Dr. John Delony?

  And in a strange way, this is gonna sound awful for me to say this, okay? If you continue to show up and be her regulating device, she will never learn the skills to self-soothe, to self-regulate, to become present in her own skin.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so, the only thing you can do here, and this is, you're gonna feel powerless, and bro, I wish I'd known this in year two. I learned this in year like 20, okay? The only thing on planet Earth you can control is you.

• 35:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:21Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what that means. If you're screaming and yelling, I will walk out the door. If you are breaking things, I will go stay at. If you, and I will always be here to pick you up, to take you to whatever, but the only person I can keep safe right now is me. Because I've given you three, four, five paths to staying safe, and you won't walk on them.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  I hear you.

• 35:58Dr. John Delony?

  You're creating a codependent trap for you and your wife, and it's gonna be a nightmare to untangle it.

• 36:03Speaker 03

  Yes, it's already there. And growing up, I was the one who, you marry your past trauma, and that's what my parents were. So that holds true.

• 36:18Dr. John Delony?

  So you know, you have a lived experience of the futility of being responsible for other people's emotional states.

• 36:26Speaker 03

  Yes, absolutely.

• 36:29Dr. John Delony?

  And you're recreating it again. And it's an absolute stone recipe for you resenting this woman, and I don't think she deserves that, and I don't want that for you.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  No. So here's another little layer. Whenever, like where you just said, you know, you said, hey, if you're screaming or whatever, I'm just gonna leave and come back when you're calm down. She was pretty much abandoned when she was growing up, and so she sees me leaving, that conversation, just me abandoning her, and that winds her up even more. I mean, is there something she can do, like?

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, she can go.

• 37:09Speaker 03

  Bring therapy?

• 37:10Dr. John Delony?

  Do what?

• 37:11Speaker 03

  Is there, is there just like stuff she can do just herself to prepare for therapy, to start opening that?

• 37:21Dr. John Delony?

  She has an ACE's score of 10. That tells me that she is at extremely elevated risk of cancer, dementia, heart attacks, all sorts of.

• 37:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, autoimmune, everything.

• 37:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 37:33Speaker 03

  Yep, yep.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  And so this isn't something she can flex through. This is not something at that level. She's been through hell, brother.

• 37:43Speaker 03

  Yep. If you hear some of the stories, man, yeah.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so, short of, and I know you've tried all these things, I'll go with you, I'll hold your hand through it. We'll figure out, I'll work extra shifts, and we'll get a concierge therapist to come into our home. But the war she's gonna have to fight is that vulnerability would have gotten her killed as a kid.

• 38:12Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 38:13Dr. John Delony?

  And that's the medicine that she needs right now.

• 38:15Speaker 03

  That's tough. I mean, everything you're saying is true.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  It's really tough.

• 38:21Speaker 03

  So maybe I could get her to start with.

• 38:23Dr. John Delony?

  Have you started seeing somebody?

• 38:28Speaker 03

  Not yet.

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, then you can't, you can't get on to her for not until you go.

• 38:33Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  And.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  I appreciate that.

• 38:35Dr. John Delony?

  Every time you go, go by example.

• 38:40Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you is because you, you grew up in hell too. What's your ACE score, by the way?

• 38:46Speaker 03

  It's around a five or a seven.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 38:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:50Dr. John Delony?

  So.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Maybe successful, but.

• 38:53Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's the problem sometimes, right? Is people pat you on the back for it. They either put you in jail for it, or they pat you on the back and give you money for it.

• 39:01Speaker 03

  Exactly.

• 39:03Dr. John Delony?

  You being honest about your lived experience in therapy.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  Seeing somebody.

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm sleeping a little bit deeper. Today was a hard, hard session and it was really scary, but I feel good right now. I feel worn out right now in a good way and a product like a good, like I, after I just got, I remember leaving a few sessions where I left feeling like I'd been through a hard workout.

• 39:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:28Dr. John Delony?

  Right. And I'd sat on a couch for an hour, right?

• 39:33Speaker 03

  Um, no, I've.

• 39:34Dr. John Delony?

  You going first and giving her a lived experience and then after three or four times saying, I would really love it if you came with me.

• 39:42Dr. John Delony?

  And she might say no 20 times.

• 39:46Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 39:48Dr. John Delony?

  Maybe.

• 39:48Speaker 03

  Showing her, showing her the benefits of it, showing her how it's helping me. Like you said, leading by example.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  Just lead by example.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Would you say, uh, BetterHelp's a good option for me to start with?

• 39:59Dr. John Delony?

  Not with her, no.

• 40:02Speaker 03

  Not with her?

• 40:02Dr. John Delony?

  No, she needs, she, she needs some in-person treatment.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:12Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, BetterHelp might be a good place. Like if she won't go any, well, someone in her situation, the challenge, like you might be okay to start with BetterHelp.

• 40:23Dr. John Delony?

  With an online platform like that, my concern for somebody with an ACE score of 10 is they're, they're going to end up in the same place. They're going to talk for one or two sessions and they're going to be like, hey, you need to get referred out and that will feel like abandonment.

• 40:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:38Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my, I'm too much even for a professional therapist, not understanding the, the ins and outs of context and in-person versus all like, right? It's just going to feel like another rejection.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  What is there any particular therapist I should look for? Um.

• 40:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. She like, look in your local area for people who are trauma focused trained.

• 40:59Speaker 03

  Trauma focused trained. Okay. And the reason I'm bringing this up to what just right now is we're both young and I want to get this out of our system before we start getting older. I mean, you know, my frontal lobe just developed on like 26. She's like in her early twenties. So I want to get this before it really sets in.

• 41:18Dr. John Delony?

  And I think that's wise and this is, this type of healing is not fixing a broken leg.

• 41:26Speaker 03

  No.

• 41:28Dr. John Delony?

  These stories are a part of you for the rest of your life.

• 41:32Speaker 03

  It's like a scar that sits on you that you have forever.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  The, the, the way I would describe it is this, the thing still happened, but your body doesn't respond in the present as though it's happening.

• 41:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 41:46Dr. John Delony?

  And so you can think about a thing, you can remember a thing, you can be driving down the road and something flash into your mind, an old, old memory. And your body doesn't go into immediate fight or flight. I gotta get out of here now.

• 42:00Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 42:00Dr. John Delony?

  And in your situation, given your wife's history, y'all are sitting on the couch, relaxing after a day at work and you reach over and put your hand on her leg and she goes full catatonic or full panic.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 42:15Dr. John Delony?

  She can accept your, like feel your hand on her leg and it feels like home.

• 42:22Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  It feels like peace, not like a declaration of war.

• 42:28Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 42:28Dr. John Delony?

  That's what healing is. It's not going to take away what happened.

• 42:31Speaker 03

  No. Well, it can't.

• 42:34Dr. John Delony?

  Right.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  But.

• 42:34Dr. John Delony?

  But you, it can.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  And this is a multi-year process, you're thinking like three, who knows how long it'll take.

• 42:40Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, take all the time limits off.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:43Dr. John Delony?

  Take all those time limits off. Cause here's the deal. When y'all have kids, another threat detection system pops back up that you didn't even know was there. Cause it's been through kids before.

• 42:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:56Dr. John Delony?

  And it recognizes when you, if you have a daughter who turns six and that's the year your wife started, the uncle started showing up at the house.

• 43:03Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 43:04Dr. John Delony?

  That whole system gets lit up like a Christmas tree as we hope it would. And so she's in a lifelong conversation about, I wasn't okay then, but I'm working hard to be okay now.

• 43:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:20Dr. John Delony?

  And our dream is.

• 43:21Speaker 03

  It's tough for me. I don't like.

• 43:22Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 43:22Speaker 03

  I don't like not knowing.

• 43:23Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 43:24Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, it's.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  But that's how you've responded to all the chaos in your life is I will, I will control every variable.

• 43:32Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 43:32Dr. John Delony?

  And you have, that will, that will bury you in this situation.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  Your freedom that you're looking for is on the release of variables.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 43:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 43:47Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  And I think there's some, some, I'm sure your wife's been through the battery of diagnostics and all that stuff.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Not yet. No, we're just trying to get her to go.

• 43:59Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, yeah, you're right. I, I totally blew that. Um, yeah, she won't even go. So you're right. Um.

• 44:07Dr. John Delony?

  If she wants to call into the show, I'd be, I'd love to talk to her. She may not talk to me either, but here, here's the thing. And this is going to sound bananas. The focus I would take with your wife out of the gate is her body's probably working directionally, right? Trying to keep her safe.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  And sometimes that simple reframe.

• 44:29Dr. John Delony?

  It's trying its best to keep you safe and it worked for a while. And now it's just in a different context. And so you've heard me say this a million times, but the things that kept you safe as a kid, even marginally safe will destroy your adult relationships. That's where we're at. So it's just, it, it becomes less of a, you're broken. You gotta go get fixed and more, I need to go learn some new skills.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  Okay. I like that. Accept yourself and go, hey, your body was protecting you. Now it's just different context. You don't need to go fight the beasts in the jungle anymore.

• 45:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude. That's it. And so now we have to learn how to go outside in a jungle where there's no lions.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  And exhale. And here's what really sucks is we live in a crazy world. There might be lions.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so that's, yeah, that's the balance. That's the balance. And if you look at it as one loss, heal or broken. Or fixed or broken is a better way to say that. If you look at it as one loss, fixed or broken, then in like now and then, man, you're putting your, you're boxing yourself into a really binary algebraic equation.

• 45:41Dr. John Delony?

  And that's not how healing works.

• 45:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 45:45Dr. John Delony?

  Healing works from the inside out. It's.

• 45:49Dr. John Delony?

  She's not going to walk out of her room after six months of therapy and be like, I feel amazing.

• 45:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm healed.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  Well, yeah. What will happen is you'll say something dumb and.

• 46:03Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 46:03Dr. John Delony?

  She'll be walking to get some coffee and she'll realize, oh my gosh, my body didn't just set off.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:10Dr. John Delony?

  Or she won't scream back at you and you'll go, huh?

• 46:17Dr. John Delony?

  That's what healing looks like.

• 46:20Dr. John Delony?

  It looks like a hug that lasts a little bit too long.

• 46:24Speaker 03

  That'd be nice.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? Yeah.

• 46:28Dr. John Delony?

  But I just want to say this, brother. Thank you for loving your wife.

• 46:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  There's few more powerless feelings in the world than when you got sick kids and there's a, it's powerless feeling when your spouse, your person you love more than anything in the world is struggling.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  It is. And it carries into everything. Sex, money.

• 46:46Dr. John Delony?

  Everything. Just joy, just peace, just, just laughter in your home, warmth, all of it.

• 46:52Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 46:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, totally.

• 46:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 03

  John, thank you. Really appreciate it. You give me a good, a good path forward. I'm going to take it.

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  When all else fails, go first.

• 47:03Speaker 03

  I will.

• 47:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:04Speaker 03

  Thank you, sir.

• 47:05Dr. John Delony?

  And, uh, do you have a, you have an iPhone?

• 47:08Speaker 03

  I do have an iPhone.

• 47:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with a year of the Together app.

• 47:13Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to practice with your wife, tiny steps.

• 47:20Speaker 03

  Tiny steps.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  Tiny steps of reconnection. And here's what that will look like. That will look like one action step. That will slowly over time teach her body that some men were not safe, but this one is.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  Hit the nail on the head right there.

• 47:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And it will teach, it will teach you that sometimes my wife has really giant feelings.

• 47:46Dr. John Delony?

  But not right this second.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  And we're gonna slowly work back together. Hang on the line and hook y'all up with that as my gift. Um, yeah, you go first and man, I, I, I hope I don't sound fatalistic, but if you have an ace of score of 10, you've got to get some professional intervention. That is, that's every risk factor is just a neon red blinking light. And, um, just having to surrender and say this, this, I grew up in hell and I need, uh, some of the, some folks to walk with me out. And thankfully we live in a time and a place in history where that's possible. So I wish you guys the absolute best. Um, blessings to you. And if she ever wants to call on the show, we'll get her on. Love to talk to her. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.

• 48:34Dr. John Delony?

  All right, everyone. Summer is over. I hope you had a great one. I hope you went on a vacation. I hope you took the time to slow down and relax because now we're back to real life. Full overwhelming calendars, kids, school activities, racing around all over. But listen, what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day? There is Cozy Earth. Their bamboo sheets are like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in, except way more comfortable than that. They're breathable. They're so good at regulating your temperature. No more kicking off the covers at 2:00 AM and cozier towels make you feel like you're at the spa, except it's just an ordinary Tuesday. It's at your

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  house. My house has Cozy Earth everywhere. They offer a hundred night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10 year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. But listen, you are going to be completely blown away and you're not going to return nothing. You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney. Use code deloney. And don't forget to take their post purchase survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show.

• 50:00Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Um, after first talk about this, I know you told me there's a follow up call that we need to get, get to.

• 50:10Dr. John Delony?

  But now we have a real problem, you and I, Kelly.

• 50:14Dr. John Delony?

  Cause last week I was on the road doing comedy shows in cities I haven't been to in 15, 20 years. And the rooms were packed. I brought a couple of comedians from Nashville who are hilarious. It was a barn burner time. And in the signing lines in both states, people handed me giraffe paraphernalia, Kelly. Stuffed giraffe, giraffe stickers.

• 50:46Speaker 04

  Those giraffe stickers that you

• 50:48Dr. John Delony?

  They're hilarious.

• 50:49Speaker 04

  Are, I don't know where the person got them, but kudos. Those were fantastic.

• 50:55Dr. John Delony?

  I know. My wife saw them and she's like, these are incredible. Who made these? And even funnier joke, uh, the, the woman who gave me the stuffed giraffe had an OU necklace on it because she knows my disdain for, anyway.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  As a fellow Texan, I do appreciate, I, I feel that.

• 51:14Dr. John Delony?

  And it was in Oklahoma, but I'm the giraffe sex guy now. Clip that. Clip that.

• 51:24Speaker 04

  You just have no idea how happy that makes me.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  I laughed so hard. I, I, I, yeah. The first one I got, I was back in the green room and one of the comics was like, hey, some woman just came up and said to give this to you. And I was like, what is it? What? Oh God. And I started dying laughing. I went and I went chased out to find out who she was. And then it just kept happening. Oh, and then Sunday night, I'm on stage with Annie Downs for her book release party. And she's like, all right, going through this quiz. And she's like, all right, rapid fire quiz questions. You have to let one animal go extinct. First animal giraffe. And I was like, come on Annie. And she's like, well, she had no idea. And I totally thought she was playing it too.

• 52:08Speaker 04

  See, the universe is, is

• 52:10Dr. John Delony?

  It's conspiring.

• 52:11Speaker 04

  conspiring against you.

• 52:12Dr. John Delony?

  Listen, internets, I don't have a giraffe thing. I don't, I don't.

• 52:17Speaker 04

  I beg to differ.

• 52:21Dr. John Delony?

  Oh boy, that's what I need. All right. So what, what you got, Kelly?

• 52:25Speaker 04

  All right. So on the show that came out just two days ago, for those that are listening to this on the day it comes out. So this comes out on Friday, the 16th. This came out on the show that came out on Wednesday, the 14th, featured a caller, uh, it was Ray from Milwaukee. And he was having trouble connecting with his teenage son. And so he was talking about his son had dyed his hair blue and he was just really struggling with connection.

• 52:49Dr. John Delony?

  I told him he should dye his hair blue. Yeah, yeah.

• 52:51Speaker 04

  He did.

• 52:52Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 52:53Speaker 04

  And we were posting a picture. Ray gave us permission to post a picture. He did it. And so I want to read what he said. He said, well, you said it would be cool to dye my hair blue like my son's and send you a picture. So I figured I couldn't talk the talk without walking the walk. I'm not sure my son knew what was, what he was getting himself into when he told me he wanted blue hair, but apparently now we're a matching set. Honestly, this whole thing started as a conversation about wanting to support my son while still being, still being his dad, setting boundaries and letting him become his own person. I never expected the dyer hair blue to become part of the parenting advice. So here we are, father and son rocking blue hair. Thanks for the advice, the perspective, and for reminding me that sometimes supporting our kids means being willing to overlook, uh, to look a little

• 53:38Speaker 04

  ridiculous ourselves.

• 53:39Dr. John Delony?

  Nice, Ray. That's awesome. Now, if the next letter, Ray, if your next letter is, well, I got fired today for going to, with going into work with blue hair and my kid got kicked out of school. I'll tell you, that's my, that's my bad. Right? But I don't know, there's something that takes the punk rock out of certain activities, like the hardcore when your dad saddles up next to you like, oh, look at my blue hair. And you're like, uh, I'll just, I'll just dye it back to, to brown. Ray, you're a hero of mine, dude. Well done. I should have done that. And I've been complaining about my son's like bro country haircut. I

• 54:18Dr. John Delony?

  should have just mulled it out. Game on. I'm in. Oh, it's happening now. It's happening. Love you guys.