Bley’s Fastballs Part I

Conan helps Aaron Bleyaert improve the quality of his segment pitches for the podcast. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Conan O'Brien?

  Owning a car or home comes with responsibilities. Sure, it's fun, but sometimes it makes you wonder why you ever longed for adulthood in the first place. I do that all the time. I'm like, oh, these bills, these bills. What am I gonna do?

• 0:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:15Conan O'Brien?

  You know, when you own a house, you gotta fix it yourself. Sona,

• 0:17Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:17Conan O'Brien?

  You see this to be true, right?

• 0:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, your garage door breaks and you're like, well, I have to fix it.

• 0:22Conan O'Brien?

  Probably at first you said, hey, I'll get the super to fix it. It's your house, dude.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  It's mine, dude!

• 0:27Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance to save you money. In fact, they work overtime to tailor your insurance policy around what you actually need. The only thing they can't do is get that liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty jingle out of your head.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Liberty, liberty, liberty.

• 0:41Conan O'Brien?

  Liberty, liberty. It's in my head all the time.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, me too.

• 0:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Start your quote at libertymutual.com.

• 0:49Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 0:58Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass... So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:16Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 1:46Conan O'Brien?

  All right, we are fresh off a huge argument

• 1:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:49Conan O'Brien?

  here in the studio. That was a brawl. That was an all-out brawl. Still smarts. And I'll tell you what was going on, and part of me wishes that we were rolling on this, but I guess that's expensive, is that right, Eduardo? Is that why you don't roll on things that are really captivating? I try to protect you at all times. Yeah, okay. We were thinking about, what are we gonna talk about in this segment? And... I don't know if anyone else wants to agree with me or disagree with me, but I hope agree with me. Bley, you pitched an idea and you're like, "Oh, you guys could talk about..." And I said, "Yeah, I don't know." And then you went, "Okay, another idea." And then I said, "Well, I'm not..." And then you said, "Hey, and a third one." And I said, "Hey, just slow your roll, man." You were like someone put 15 quarters into a pitch machine and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour.

• 2:34Conan O'Brien?

  And I was getting hit by fastballs left and right. And I was like, "Calm down and let the creative process happen." And then I said to Sona, you said, "Well, I'm not gonna say anything." And I said, "Well, no, it would be nice if you had an idea."

• 2:48Speaker 02

  Can we just clarify something? This is a Thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode. And so we're trying to come up with...

• 2:55Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, but you know, and listen, we ran out of fans. We should just tell people right now. Worldwide, done. We're done. We talked to all 111 of our fans.

• 3:06Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 3:06Conan O'Brien?

  Worldwide, some of them three times, and they would put on mustaches and different accents. We tried to fill it out as much as we could. And then we officially talked to the last fan, and we didn't have a fan this week. I think it's actually more complicated than that.

• 3:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, and we should say that that's what we're doing here, is we're using this episode to... We were first pitching ideas, and then it got into the talking about pitching. And then I have a quick question. What the fuck is a pitch machine?

• 3:33Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you mean like a baseball pitch machine?

• 3:36Conan O'Brien?

  Baseball batting cage.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  But then it's also like, it can be double because he's pitching things.

• 3:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. It has a double meaning.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Although I think you gave it more than he ever intended.

• 3:46Conan O'Brien?

  No, I'm sorry.

• 3:47Speaker 01

  I think he tried to do both.

• 3:48Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, T S Eliot thought about his words before he put them to the page.

• 3:52Speaker 01

  I mean, can we then talk about what Eduardo said?

• 3:55Conan O'Brien?

  Well, just a second. There's a thing that I'm... Sona, there's a thing I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writers' rooms and been in them all the time. You would get, sometimes in a situation where one writer's like, "Hey, we could do ba, ba, ba, ba." And it's a little like that small dog straining against the leash.

• 4:19Conan O'Brien?

  Well, here it was a large dog with gray hair and a beard who was saying, "We could do this, we could do that, we could do that." And I was just trying to say, "Slow it down just a little bit.

• 4:29Conan O'Brien?

  You are, you're forcing all the groundwater out and we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill." And that's, I'm a master of analogies and that's a good one. And so that's all I was trying to get to, Bley. And I respect your ideas and occasionally there's a good one, but I, I just thought you had to slow it down a bit.

• 4:47Speaker 03

  Okay. I, I do.

• 4:49Conan O'Brien?

  What was your third idea that we didn't, that I didn't hear?

• 4:51Speaker 02

  Do you want to discuss your first two?

• 4:53Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want to hear the first one.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  He doesn't want to hear it.

• 4:55Conan O'Brien?

  Those weren't good ideas.

• 4:55Speaker 03

  I, see, you see it as, as let's let the groundwater fill up. I'm saying, I'm trying to throw kindling. Like, I, I see, here's how I see it. Here's how I see it. I see it as.

• 5:06Conan O'Brien?

  You said, "Here's how I see it," I think 10 times. But then you never say how you see it.

• 5:10Speaker 03

  Well, how I see it is.

• 5:10Conan O'Brien?

  Because you don't let them.

• 5:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, how I see it is, this room is full of creative, smart people.

• 5:17Conan O'Brien?

  I don't see that. What are you looking at?

• 5:19Speaker 03

  And we're a bunch of mousetraps.

• 5:20Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I'm sorry, I don't have a mirror.

• 5:24Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 5:32Speaker 03

  Come on, God.

• 5:35Speaker 03

  Funny. Yeah. Oh, my God. And he's dancing.

• 5:37Conan O'Brien?

  Ah, listen, listen.

• 5:38Speaker 03

  And so I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mousetrap room.

• 5:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, but.

• 5:43Speaker 03

  And then something bounces off something and then something bounces off something and then you come up with something.

• 5:48Conan O'Brien?

  You can also, just how about this? Pitch an idea, Bley, from now on.

• 5:53Speaker 03

  All right.

• 5:53Conan O'Brien?

  And then count to 70. And I mean 70 minutes. And then pitch another one. How about that?

• 6:00Speaker 02

  You come from the no bad ideas brainstorming school and I appreciate that.

• 6:04Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 6:04Conan O'Brien?

  And I come from the mostly bad ideas school because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas. That's just how it is.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  You come from the shut everybody down at any turn school.

• 6:14Conan O'Brien?

  Well, listen, I think that's a little unfair and I'm ready for your apology now.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  See, shut me down.

• 6:19Speaker 03

  But what, what we had talked about right before we were rolling was, Sona said, you know, "I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea, you would say yes."

• 6:27Speaker 01

  Eduardo actually said that.

• 6:28Speaker 03

  Eduardo said that and I agree with that. I think you like Eduardo's ideas more than my ideas.

• 6:33Conan O'Brien?

  Listen to it right now.

• 6:34Speaker 01

  They're the same.

• 6:35Conan O'Brien?

  No, listen to yourself right now, Bley.

• 6:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 6:37Conan O'Brien?

  Listen to the tone of your voice. You lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a T-bone steak. And you shout.

• 6:45Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 6:45Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Eduardo has something called EQ and Riz. I would do him in a Mississippi Minute.

• 6:52Speaker 01

  Oh, my God.

• 6:54Speaker 02

  Well, now we have our pitch.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Is this a version of heated rivalry? You gotta stop telling the people here that work for you that you wanna do them. You have to stop doing it.

• 7:01Speaker 03

  I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I do.

• 7:03Speaker 01

  You do it to Eduardo.

• 7:04Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 7:05Speaker 01

  No, you have to stop.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  Why don't you go around the office and start telling people you don't wanna do it?

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch. Heated rivalry podcast, a podcast heated rivalry.

• 7:13Speaker 01

  I'm in.

• 7:14Conan O'Brien?

  Look at you.

• 7:14Speaker 01

  I am in. I will pick the reins on that.

• 7:16Conan O'Brien?

  I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera? Right here? This is, this is Bley. Look at that. This is Bley right now, and if you can get our video, check it out. Bley grabs it and he looks at me and he says, "Hey, here's an idea." Now, here's what I have found in life. If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sort of sensual charm.

• 7:45Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo says things quietly and he says them with a sense of self-respect. He says, he has a sort of...

• 7:54Speaker 01

  You're changing yourself.

• 7:55Conan O'Brien?

  He says, he has a take it or leave it kind of, oh, we could do this. Whereas Bley's thing is, I've gotta get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die. And that makes people uneasy. Bley, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, "Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you?"

• 8:13Speaker 03

  I used to work at Kmart and I did do that.

• 8:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. And you know what? You put Kmart out of business. They don't exist anymore.

• 8:21Conan O'Brien?

  You also worked for Leachmears, Sears. All those stores that went out of business in the 90s and 2000s. Bley worked there for a while and they saw a sudden plummet.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  You would've done so well at The Gap. I worked at The Gap in the early 90s and they would force us to do that. And I was so uncomfortable, I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't wanna bother people, you know?

• 8:41Speaker 01

  I would respond to that.

• 8:42Speaker 02

  You would?

• 8:43Speaker 01

  I like, I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things. I like that.

• 8:47Conan O'Brien?

  How much insurance have you bought?

• 8:51Speaker 01

  I have like 12 timeshares.

• 8:55Conan O'Brien?

  He was enthusiastic. I had to. Bley, and I'm not putting you down.

• 8:59Speaker 03

  No, what?

• 9:05Conan O'Brien?

  I don't think I've said, I think if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  Bley, I'm not putting you down. I'm passionately insulting you.

• 9:14Conan O'Brien?

  Do you agree that my body, my impersonation of Bley's body language and tone is not far off? Do you agree?

• 9:22Speaker 02

  I feel like it's a mean version of that. Yeah.

• 9:25Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, that's okay.

• 9:28Speaker 01

  No, I'm on Team Bley here. And you know what you would do, which is something you do all the time, is you can go crazy and then when you're talking about Eduardo, you kind of take on Eduardo's like, you start talking more calmly.

• 9:38Speaker 02

  Which is not how you talk during this ever.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  Which is not how you talk. You're not that guy. You're not that guy. You're more like that guy. You're not that guy. You're that guy.

• 9:47Conan O'Brien?

  Sona, your argument implies that I'm in some way self-loathing or self-hating.

• 9:53Conan O'Brien?

  And you can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see it's just not the case. Eduardo, you continue to impress. You're spectacular.

• 10:04Speaker 01

  Oh, come on.

• 10:06Conan O'Brien?

  He's just got that, he's, and guess what I'm wearing right now? I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me. That's how much of an Eduardo fan I am. And you know what? I'd like to put on a sweatshirt you gave me, Bley. But there isn't one.

• 10:22Speaker 03

  I see what's going on here. It's all about bribery. I get it. I get it. So I'm gonna, you know what? I'm gonna get you a couple sweatshirts.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  You do grab, you're not helping.

• 10:30Speaker 03

  Oh, okay.

• 10:31Conan O'Brien?

  Did you say, you just grabbed the mic?

• 10:33Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 10:34Conan O'Brien?

  And you swiveled it around to, and guess what? It's not even a swivel mic. You bent the iron bar and you pulled it around to you, but you grab it.

• 10:44Speaker 03

  Well, Eduardo and I have to share a mic and it's very, you know.

• 10:47Conan O'Brien?

  Why are you shouting? Seriously.

• 10:49Speaker 02

  God, this poor guy.

• 10:57Conan O'Brien?

  You know, winning an award, that's a big achievement, right?

• 10:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love awards.

• 11:00Conan O'Brien?

  Every now and then in life, maybe something nice like that comes your way. Winning them consistently is almost impossible. It just doesn't happen, you know? Well, guess what? Winning five times in six years? You know what that sounds like to me? Sustained excellence.

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Nice.

• 11:15Conan O'Brien?

  Hyundai has done just that, earning the title of America's best SUV brand for 2026 from US News and World Report. You are a very happy Hyundai driver.

• 11:23Speaker 01

  I drive a Hyundai Palisade and I love my car. I love it. I love driving it around.

• 11:28Conan O'Brien?

  I've been tooling around in an Ioniq 5N, which I love. Beautiful car. Listen, whether you need an SUV for everyday life, your next big adventure, or extra room for family and friends, Hyundai has an option for you. The Tucson Hybrid is loaded with technology and built for everyday life. The Santa Fe Hybrid's fully capable and ready for adventure. The Palisade, that's yours, right?

• 11:47Speaker 01

  Hello!

• 11:48Conan O'Brien?

  They're gonna rename that the Sona. The Palisade Hybrid, yeah, delivers premium capability and class-leading interior space. With available, I had this memorized, H-Track all-wheel drive, up to an EPA-estimated 619 miles of range on vehicles like the Palisade Hybrid and Hyundai's industry-leading warranty, it's easy to see why Hyundai continues to deliver the quality, innovation, technology, and value drivers expect from an award-winning brand. View US News Best Cars at cars.usnews.com and call 562-314-4603 for complete details.

• 12:22Conan O'Brien?

  Now, Sona, clearly I'm a very important person to you. Just accept the premise and we'll move ahead.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:27Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a very important person to you. What would you get me from Macy's for the holidays?

• 12:33Speaker 01

  A vase.

• 12:34Conan O'Brien?

  No, I don't want a vase. I want something better.

• 12:37Speaker 01

  A jacket.

• 12:38Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, nice jacket. I love a nice jacket.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, that jacket, nice jacket.

• 12:41Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, so now you have to do it, because you said you would.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Aw, man, I didn't know you were doing that.

• 12:45Conan O'Brien?

  Well, I know the holidays, I know the holidays are months away, but it's never too early, Sona, to find gifts that I will love, gifts I will wear, and surprises that make the season unforgettable for me. Macy's Gift Guide makes holiday shopping easy with beauty favorites, stylish fashion, jewelry, cozy essentials, must-have toys, home upgrades, and picks for every person on your list. Coach handbags, Breville appliances, Lego UG, and more, all in one place so you can skip the scrolling and shop with confidence. Shop now in-store or online at macy's.com/giftguide.

• 13:22Conan O'Brien?

  Coca-Cola Zero Sugar is so good, it's almost impossible not to finish it before the meal arrives. It's just too good to wait. That happens to me sometimes.

• 13:30Speaker 01

  Me too.

• 13:31Conan O'Brien?

  You can try rules like no sipping until the appetizer arrives, or you tell your friend, "Don't let me touch my glass." But every time you're staring at an empty glass. So if you've ever finished your Coke Zero before the first fry hits the table, you're among friends. It happens. Occupational hazard with Coke Zero.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:49Conan O'Brien?

  Real Coca-Cola taste, zero sugar, too good to wait. Enjoy an ice cold Coca-Cola Zero Sugar today.

• 13:59Conan O'Brien?

  So now, you have to admit, the holidays, it's really about hanging with the people you love.

• 14:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:05Conan O'Brien?

  And getting to be yourself. Not going to some stuffy holiday party where you need to conform to what the man wants you to think about the holidays.

• 14:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:15Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, it's about being yourself. Turn your holiday time into Miller time by enjoying a Miller Lite in a place where you're free to enjoy yourself on a walk with a cousin. With a cousin? Why are they getting all specific about?

• 14:26Speaker 01

  Because it's family.

• 14:27Conan O'Brien?

  But what about a niece or a nephew?

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:31Conan O'Brien?

  Like a walk with an ex-wife? I don't know. I mean, they're just throwing... That's a weird... They just made a very specific choice.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:38Conan O'Brien?

  Now's the time for those unexpected holiday side guests and enjoy a great tasting light beer. "Tis Miller Time," as Dickens wrote. Miller Lite is brewed for taste, the taste you can depend on. The original light beer since 1975 and still iconic more than 50 years later. I like to be with my bros, my chums, my posse, crack open a Miller Lite, take a swig, a sip, look around and see my friends. We've known each other forever and we're just hanging out.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, you guys are just doing chest bumps and high-fiving.

• 15:08Conan O'Brien?

  Miller Lite is great taste done right. Go to millerlite.com/conan to find delivery options near you or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. "Tis Miller Time." Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces.

• 15:30Conan O'Brien?

  Adam, you're at least fair. These two love to jump on the maestro. Does Blay shout? Does he, is he, can he be a little loud? I mean, that's, it's not, it's not a question, of course he does. Yeah, of course he shouts.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  I mean, there's empirical evidence.

• 15:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yes, it's a fact.

• 15:46Speaker 01

  We're not saying he doesn't shout.

• 15:48Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo, what happens to your sensitive machinery when Blay grabs the mic and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophagus? I do have to ride Bley's levels constantly. Yeah, that is technical proof. That's all that is. Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much. Not as much as Bley. Not as much. You know what? Bley is consistently loud.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  What's the spectrum of level riding here?

• 16:15Conan O'Brien?

  Hey, Bley, you're consistent.

• 16:18Speaker 02

  Eduardo, what's the spectrum of level riding here in this room? Like, who, Bley's at one end?

• 16:23Conan O'Brien?

  Well, it's probably Conan who I'm riding, because you can, you can get very quiet. When I have a great idea. Yes. Which, and that happens a lot.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  You're dynamic.

• 16:30Conan O'Brien?

  When I'm, when I'm touched by God's inspiration, I tend to get louder to really, really knock it out of the park. Yes. And might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved, possibly. Or it could be our ads. I don't know.

• 16:52Conan O'Brien?

  Take your pick. But yes, I know that I, I, you know, I'm painting, I'm painting a picture and I'm using a wide range of colors in the palette. Yes. Well, meanwhile, Bley is, like I said, consistently at a high level. Yeah. You are, you know what you would have been great as if you could time travel? An air raid warden in World War II in the Blitz. You know what I mean? You would, people would immediately know, we've got to get out of here.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Or a town crier.

• 17:20Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 17:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:21Conan O'Brien?

  Well, no, because no one would get to sleep.

• 17:24Conan O'Brien?

  Town crier had to ride the levels too. So, these are, this is a complicated conversation, and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic. Do we fight? Uh, yes, we do. Do we disagree? Yes, we do. Do I always win because, uh, I am Stalin? Yes.

• 17:42Speaker 02

  Yes, I do.

• 17:43Speaker 03

  So, moving for- moving forward.

• 17:46Conan O'Brien?

  Look at that.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Thank you. Me- could you give me some tips? Cause I wanna learn.

• 17:49Conan O'Brien?

  Keep it down, you're going up again.

• 17:51Speaker 01

  It went up, I heard it too.

• 17:53Speaker 03

  I wanna learn and be better. Are there- what are the top three things? I could just write them down and have a little post-it note here. And then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the post-it note. What should be on the post-it note? That I should write to remind myself to be better? What are some tips?

• 18:07Conan O'Brien?

  Well, um-

• 18:09Speaker 02

  Oh my god, there's a big sigh.

• 18:10Speaker 01

  Be Eduardo.

• 18:12Speaker 03

  Be Eduardo!

• 18:12Conan O'Brien?

  Be Eduardo.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  You should be asking Eduardo, not Conan.

• 18:15Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, touche.

• 18:16Conan O'Brien?

  Be Eduardo.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  What are- Eduardo, what are some things I could- I could do to be better and not as annoying?

• 18:24Speaker 04

  Take a deep breath.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  Ooh.

• 18:26Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 18:26Conan O'Brien?

  Seriously. No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says "Breathe", or they get "Breathe" tattooed on their hand.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 18:33Conan O'Brien?

  I- I think you push a lot of air out. And look, I'll admit, am I that different? No. Uh, is there some thought that goes into it? Probably. But you're constantly pushing out, and I think you do need to take a breath.

• 18:48Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 18:48Conan O'Brien?

  And you- and- and there is a- there can be a- people can mis- perceive that there is a desperation involved.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 18:57Conan O'Brien?

  Which I don't think there is. You're not desperate. You've- you've been employed by me for how many years?

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Uh, since 2001, so that's 25 years.

• 19:05Conan O'Brien?

  That's good math. Just take the current year and take one away.

• 19:08Speaker 03

  That's how we did it, yeah.

• 19:08Conan O'Brien?

  Um, so, uh, you-

• 19:11Speaker 01

  You're awful.

• 19:12Conan O'Brien?

  I'm a- I just listened to what I said. I ju- here's a true story. I just listened to that come out of my head, and part of my brain went, "You're a dick."

• 19:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, but then you smiled.

• 19:23Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, you took it as a compliment. You took your own insults as a compliment.

• 19:28Conan O'Brien?

  That part of my brain is high-fiving the other part of my brain.

• 19:31Speaker 02

  Oh my god.

• 19:32Conan O'Brien?

  Wait, this is crazy! Two synapses just formed little hands and high-fived each other. That's so crazy! I don't think that's ever hap- if I was in a-

• 19:42Speaker 02

  Your two synapses just did those avatar tail fuck.

• 19:44Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah. Now, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go form two gloved hands. Like Mickey Mouse, four-fingered gloved hands and go, "Good one!" So, anyway, um... Oh, my god. Yeah, I just think that's a really good... Is take a breath. All right. Um, this isn't gonna last, you know that. You're gonna go have I'm gonna... Seventy... You know, you're gonna have like a giant glass of Yoohoo, get a sugar high and start yelling again. Well, let's test it out. Let's see if you can just go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea. Yeah, pitch us an idea. Eduardo's... Yeah, and wipe all the sweat off your face.

• 20:25Conan O'Brien?

  Well, Eduardo's not sweaty. You look like you just talked a 740... A passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely and you're like,

• 20:37Conan O'Brien?

  "Okay, let's go. Here we go." Now, ladies and gentlemen, the new Bley. Hi, Bley.

• 20:41Speaker 04

  You'll button up, button up one.

• 20:43Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah. Okay, let me wipe all this beard drop off. You don't say beard drop. Button up?

• 20:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, button up.

• 20:48Conan O'Brien?

  I'm doing what Eduardo says. Two losers. Hey, you know what I love? He is the sensei now.

• 20:53Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 20:53Conan O'Brien?

  Eduardo is your sensei. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce... That one.

• 20:58Speaker 03

  Wait, not the top button?

• 21:00Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my god. He looks like every nerd in a nerd movie. Take that button off. Why did you do both buttons?

• 21:07Speaker 04

  There you go.

• 21:08Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the new 2026 Bley. Hi, Bley, how are you?

• 21:17Speaker 03

  I'm doing great.

• 21:18Conan O'Brien?

  Good.

• 21:18Speaker 03

  Thanks.

• 21:19Conan O'Brien?

  That's very good.

• 21:19Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 21:19Conan O'Brien?

  Not an asthma breath.

• 21:23Conan O'Brien?

  Breathe off, Mike. Yeah, yeah.

• 21:26Speaker 03

  I'm doing great, thank you.

• 21:27Conan O'Brien?

  You doing all right?

• 21:28Speaker 03

  Yes, thank you for having me.

• 21:28Conan O'Brien?

  And, um, do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future?

• 21:33Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes, I do have a thought. Recently, uh, you were reported as...

• 21:38Conan O'Brien?

  Now, you just seem depressed. Does anyone else? I hate it, Bley. I can't do this. You're very depressed now and I'm... What I was gonna say... I feel like... Hey, you know what? I loved you in Hamnet. You were great. Lean back, not into the mic, you know what I mean?

• 21:51Speaker 03

  Well, the mic doesn't go that far back.

• 21:53Conan O'Brien?

  The mic doesn't have to be in your mouth. That's so unnatural.

• 21:56Speaker 03

  Okay. Uh, I had an idea.

• 21:58Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, my god. That was too loud. Now, you're too loud.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 22:03Conan O'Brien?

  Just try.

• 22:04Speaker 03

  Okay, I had an idea which was, you said you're not looking for any more, after If I Had Legs I Would Kick You, you weren't looking for any more dramatic roles. I thought it'd be fun to come up with a segment where you are like Daniel Day-Lewis, you're in retirement. What kind of roles you would come back to, back to acting for?

• 22:22Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, okay. Well, I think that's a, that's a fine pitch.

• 22:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:26Conan O'Brien?

  I really do.

• 22:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, he came, he came back to acting.

• 22:28Conan O'Brien?

  Oh, he's gripping the mic again. It's so crazy, you cannot.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

• 22:33Speaker 02

  I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge. When I saw Bley leaning back, I was like, oh, this is, this is actually.

• 22:39Conan O'Brien?

  No, no, you should, we should get duct tape.

• 22:41Speaker 01

  I'm soaking wet with sweat.

• 22:42Conan O'Brien?

  We should.

• 22:43Speaker 01

  Stop talking about your sweat and your beard rub.

• 22:47Conan O'Brien?

  All right. We should get duct tape and tie him to his chair. Tie his abdomen to his chair.

• 22:52Speaker 01

  That, that's my idea.

• 22:54Conan O'Brien?

  Okay, I think that's fine. And just to bring up people up to date, I, I, I, a small part of a movie, a fine part of it.

• 23:02Speaker 01

  You're a pretty big part.

• 23:03Conan O'Brien?

  A pretty good part, yeah. Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing, directing of Mary Bronstein.

• 23:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:15Conan O'Brien?

  And the performance of a lifetime by Rose Byrne, which is really saying something, because I adore her.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:21Conan O'Brien?

  So, um, yeah, I did this role and people thought I acquitted myself well. And there's been some question, would I do another movie role? And I say, that's a good idea, Bley. Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a nice, calm tone, if they have any ideas of the kind of role I should play. And I mean, serious pitches, not you're a rooster, you're a Woody Woodpecker, that kind of stuff.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Hey, I have an idea, because this is a solid pitch. Why don't we take this pitch and do a two-parter to this episode?

• 23:54Conan O'Brien?

  I love it, I love it.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  So next time we come back, we've got the pitch settled. By this time, Bley, he's just rolling in trim because he's so cool and collected.

• 24:02Speaker 01

  Rolling in trim? You mean gash?

• 24:04Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 24:05Speaker 01

  You mean that sweet sleuth?

• 24:07Speaker 02

  I'm talking about some serious trench.

• 24:10Conan O'Brien?

  Jesus.

• 24:12Conan O'Brien?

  I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about. Wait a minute, are we off PBS now?

• 24:18Speaker 01

  Do you want to apologize to Bley? You made him sweat a lot.

• 24:22Conan O'Brien?

  Uh, no, I don't think I did.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 24:24Conan O'Brien?

  I was... He's crying. I'm so wet.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  You made him very vulnerable this entire...

• 24:30Conan O'Brien?

  You know what this was? I was a very, very good, tough, but effective therapist. And I think I made a big change in Bley's life. Thank you. And I hope a big change in my life.

• 24:41Speaker 01

  Did you stick you to him?

• 24:42Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, I helped him.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  You really feel like you think he helped you?

• 24:45Conan O'Brien?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  He did it.

• 24:46Conan O'Brien?

  Sonam, if I didn't care about Bley, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 24:53Conan O'Brien?

  I think that's right. Okay, let's wrap this up. Yeah. And, um, next week, let us return and, uh, maybe explore this concept that a soft-spoken Blay had, which got our attention, which is discussing, uh, my next movie role. So, um, we'll see you soon. Okay.

• 25:11Speaker 02

  Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples. Associate producers, Sean Dougherty and Lisa Bern. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com/conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are done.

• 25:58Conan O'Brien?

  When you hear Alka-Seltzer, you probably think heartburn, right?

• 26:01Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 26:01Conan O'Brien?

  Well, did you know Alka-Seltzer has a line of cold and flu medications known as Alka-Seltzer Cold?

• 26:07Speaker 05

  Ooh.

• 26:08Conan O'Brien?

  Did you know that, David?

• 26:09Speaker 05

  No, but I feel like we need it.

• 26:10Conan O'Brien?

  Why didn't you know that, David?

• 26:11Speaker 05

  I know, you expect me to know everything.

• 26:13Conan O'Brien?

  I knew this because I... Yeah, I've tried it, it's really good. And I like that fizzy, fizzy, fizzy when you drop the Alka-Seltzer Cold into the water.

• 26:20Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 26:21Conan O'Brien?

  Alka-Seltzer Cold Fast Dissolves Tablets are designed to deliver cold and flu relief FAST. Just drop the two tablets in water and hear those bubbles bursting into action, ready to work faster than pills. Bubbles faster than pills. Pills take time to dissolve, not bubbles. Next time a cold or flu strikes, quick! Alka-Seltzer Cold. Nothing works faster for cold and flu symptom relief. Among oral products, use as directed.

• 26:47Speaker 05

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