Caller: “Why Is My Wife Unhappy?”

💬 Tired of having the same arguments with your spouse? Get Dr. John Delony's Conflict Game Plan On today’s episode, we hear about: A man striving to help his wife rediscover herself A woman wondering if she should tell her kids about their dad’s affair A man who misses the in-laws he lost after his divorce Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. 💬 Get the Free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Episode Chapters 00:00:00 Intro 00:02:20 My Wife Has Lost Herself 00:21:06 My Husband’s Affair Saved Our Marriage 00:43:40 I Miss My Ex . . . In-Laws Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My wife and I have been married for 24 years. We have five kids. I think what's happened over the years is she's been meeting a lot of needs of a lot of people. It's almost like in meeting all these needs for so long, her ability to figure out what she desires or what she wants, those muscles have atrophied.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 0:35Dr. John Delony?

  A Houston kid dropped in the middle of Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls.

• 0:41Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I wish I was still a kid. Being a kid when I grew up, man, Kelly, I had the last great American childhood.

• 0:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would love to be a kid when we grew up, not now.

• 0:49Dr. John Delony?

  Not now. I'd rather set myself on fire than be a kid.

• 0:52Speaker 02

  Right, but back when we were kids and like literally no one knew where we were.

• 0:55Dr. John Delony?

  Ever. And here's what's awesome. I don't think anybody cared where we were.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  No, I was the third kid. No, no one cared.

• 1:01Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest gift I could give my parents was...

• 1:04Speaker 02

  Going away.

• 1:05Dr. John Delony?

  Go away. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06Dr. John Delony?

  And not in a traumatic way, but in a...

• 1:08Speaker 02

  No, just go.

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  Just not here. Just not here.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Drinking sugary Kool-Aid that somebody's mom brought out and...

• 1:14Dr. John Delony?

  I like how you pause. Drinking...

• 1:16Speaker 02

  Sugary Kool-Aid.

• 1:17Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, Kool-Aid and...

• 1:18Speaker 02

  But all, you know, like everybody's bikes being at one house.

• 1:21Dr. John Delony?

  Bikes, dude. And that's how you knew you got left out. If there's all the bikes at one house and you're like, aw.

• 1:26Speaker 02

  And like mom calling around from house to house trying to find you if they needed something.

• 1:30Dr. John Delony?

  The best. Be home when the streetlights are on.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  And we lived in a cul-de-sac, so when the streetlights came on...

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  Even more the best.

• 1:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then, but even like after dinner during the summer, go back out and hide and seek.

• 1:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. And then that one guy, I know exactly who he is. I'll just say, Mr. Q. If that ball's on my lawn, I'm gonna pop your ball. That was a real guy on my street. It was so great. And anyway, pine cone war. The best, the best. But we're not there anymore. I'm an old man now and we are in the 21st century and it's chaos. And that's what this show is about, is sit in the middle of whatever storm you find yourself in with your relationships, your mental, emotional health, your kids, whatever you got. And I'll sit here with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move for you and your family. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. Let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to Steve. What's up, Steve?

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Hey, Dr. John, thanks for letting me pull up a seat.

• 2:26Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, brother. I'm glad you're here, man. What's up?

• 2:30Speaker 00

  Hey, my wife and I have been married for 24 years. We have five kids. The oldest is 22 and the youngest is 10. So we are in it.

• 2:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, dude.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  We've been in it for a long time.

• 2:41Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all got after it early and y'all have been in it a long time.

• 2:44Speaker 00

  We did. We started early. And so, and my wife's been a stay-at-home mom the whole time, so she's really been in it. She's a fantastic mom. And so I think what's happened over the years is she's been meeting a lot of needs of a lot of people. You know what I mean?

• 3:01Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 3:02Speaker 00

  And so as in our conversations, as we've been talking, what we've kind of come to or what I've... As I've listened to what she's saying, it sounds like, it's almost like in meeting all these needs of all these people for so long, her, her ability to figure out what she desires or what she wants is like, those muscles have atrophied. You know what I mean?

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I imagine to any, any mother listening to this episode, to two guys going, "Yeah, and then this happened." Right? Like, and they're like, "Yes, yeah." So the, one of the hardest, yet most beautiful, yet most painful things I've endured in my adulthood is having a woman, and I've been married 24 years too, my best friend on planet. Like, like we're together till one of us is in the ground, right? And she's gone from like rock star research prof... no, rock star elementary school teacher

• 4:06Dr. John Delony?

  to like renowned research professor to quit all of that, to stay at home, to author, to co... Like, but the whole, the reason I tell you that is less about the jobs and more about the dramatic identity shift she's experienced and how hard that is. And like the question, "Who am I now?" And who, who do I want to be? And who am I going to be? Is such a powerful existential question that I've had the privilege to not have to deal with, right? Because I gotta go to work, right? And there's not like a, I guess if she, man, God, if she made a million dollars, dude, that would be so awesome. That would be so awesome. But like, I haven't had to wrestle with, "Who am I as a mother?"

• 4:51Dr. John Delony?

  And the mother trying to take over the role, like in combat with the identity of a wife, right? And with a woman, right? And that being in conflict with the identity of professional. And that being in conflict with the identity of just me. I'm me. What do I want? Who do I want to be, right? What a nightmare, man. And so is she...

• 5:11Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, you got a 10-year-old, so I imagine it's fourth or fifth grade. And so there's less, I mean, there's, there's more time at home where there's just not humans that need you right now. Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Can I have a snack? Obviously, there's still the management of the household, but is she starting to ask questions about, like, "Who am I?"

• 5:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that's part of it. And, and there is more time now, right? So I think if we can facilitate the right, like where do we... It's weird being an adult and not knowing what you want, right?

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  Bro.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  And like, we're educated adults and it's like, how can you not know what you want? But, but that's where we are. And I totally get it because of what you've laid out beautifully. But like, where does she go or like, how should we help her start figuring out, "What do I want?" Because she does have extra time now.

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  The, the greatest gift, and I can only speak to this from my singular lived experience, okay? Anytime, either one of a, of a romantic partnership, right? Either one, I always want to put them in the driver's seat. But like you mentioned, she may look at you and say, "I haven't driven in 20 years, in 22 years I haven't driven." "I want to drive. I don't even know," right? And that you as husband who loves her, it sounds like y'all are pretty, pretty tight, right? Like y'all have a good marriage?

• 6:27Speaker 00

  We're tight.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 6:28Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 6:28Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it can feel real un... like, you can feel like a failure. Like, "I can't, I can't fix this one. I can't help. I don't know what I can do here," right? And so what I would tell you from my lived experiences, I spent a lot of years trying to fix it as though she was somehow broken and I was wrong. And instead of where I'm at now and have been for probably the, you know, better part of a decade is a constant reassurance that whoever she wants to be and whatever she wants to... Wherever she wants to follow her nose and whatever she wants to get into, there will not be a bigger cheerleader on planet Earth than me.

• 7:10Dr. John Delony?

  The only encouragement, the only, like, come on, like, because, like, I'm speaking this not as like, "You will..." Not like that, but as buddies, like, "I challenge you to go do something wild. I challenge you to go take on this project. I challenge you to fill in the blank." And, and that might be y'all signing up for dance classes together. That might be you, you take her hand and lead her to new experiences, weird experience. Like, "We're gonna start going to Thursday night late movie. We're both gonna sleep through it." I'm making stuff up, but I want you to, once a week, I want to encourage you. Once a week at dinnertime, I want you to leave. I want you to go do something fun, just for you. And she might say, "The funnest thing in the world for me is to have dinner with my family."

• 7:52Dr. John Delony?

  Great, awesome. But continually, "Hey, we've got money set aside. You want to go take, you want to go back to college? You want to take a class?" I'm thinking in the last five years, my wife has taken a, she's like a licensed coach. She got her Master Gardener certification here in Tennessee. She, she's done some wild, cool stuff and I'm watching her become this amazing person that there's no script for, right? There's a script for professionals, there's a script for moms, there's a script for wife. She's, I'm watching her go and dude, it's so awesome. But it does take a lot of encouragement in that whatever you want to do, wherever you want to be, I got you. Right now, it sounds like what your wife needs is freedom, like freedom to go explore.

• 8:36Dr. John Delony?

  But that freedom, often we think like, "We're just gonna knock all the fences down and you're free." That can be overwhelming. So you're anchored to this amazing guy named Steve. And I got you. Go, go do crazy stuff. Join a book club. Go do stand-up. Go learn the guitar. Like, go begin to follow your nose. Like, "Who do you want to be? What do you want to be?" A question that I often recommend folks ask is begin to ask, "Who do I want to help now?"

• 9:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right, like, who do I want to help? And do I want to help start a radio show? Do I want to help single moms? Do I want to help? Like, and that can tend to guide you. Do I want to help people get their plumbing fixed at their house? I don't care. But that might be a path that helps somebody at least get started in a direction. Right?

• 9:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:24Dr. John Delony?

  What, um, when she's at home, like, how is this coming up? Is she, is she getting concerned? Is she getting worried? Is she becoming hollow? How are you experiencing this?

• 9:35Speaker 00

  No, it's more like this, like, so I'll say, so I've been saying, how can I love you?

• 9:39Dr. John Delony?

  Nice.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Doing certain things. And, and what I almost always get back is a, a to do, usually for one of the kids, right?

• 9:45Dr. John Delony?

  Some tasks, yeah.

• 9:46Speaker 00

  A kid here, whatever. Yeah. And, and so I get that, but I just got the sense that I, that wasn't really connecting to her. You know what I mean? And so I would say, like, do you feel more connected to you? Do you feel more loved? And she's like, I don't even, she's like, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful.

• 10:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:01Speaker 00

  Like, you took stuff off my list, but I don't necessarily feel more connected. And I'm like, well, maybe we're not getting to what you want. When I ask you that, she's like, well, I don't even know what I want. Like, I'm so into the day to day, the tasks and to do's that I can't even, like, what I want is buried in there so deep. I don't even know how to connect to it. For me, much less tell you what I want.

• 10:22Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha, gotcha.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  You know what I mean? And, and there's also, I think for her, there was also a growing up where negative emotions were not allowed.

• 10:30Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 10:31Speaker 00

  And so she either had to have, go have them somewhere else by herself or she had to, yeah, had to be positive. And so thi- this may be actually, you know, forty, forty-three years of I just buried what I want or my raw, natural emotions. And, and I don't let anybody see them, you know? And so I, I feel for her, like, the, again, the way you've laid it out, plus, I just think the muscles there is just super atrophied. And I don't know if she feels confident, like, how do I work these muscles? How, do, how do I even ask this question? You know what I mean?

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  A great path for you is, like, appropriate, yet over the top a little bit.

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  Curiosity.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:16Dr. John Delony?

  You may have heard me mention this on the show. I, I had this big revelation, I think, two years ago now, um, around New Year's, when I took, I take a day or two, like, a retreat for myself. Like, what kind of guy were you last year? And who do you want to be this year, right? And I usually do it after me and my wife have had our big, who do we want to be as a married couple time away? And, um, I had this big epiphany, like, I know my wife. We, like, share a house, we share a bed, like, we share kids, like, I know her, but I don't know her anymore. And we're both former college professors, we're nerds. And so I asked her to make me a syllabus of her. And she was like, what are you talking about? And I said, like, give me ten podcasts you listen to and are like.

• 11:59Dr. John Delony?

  Give me the last five or 10 books that you, like, got something deep out of, or you just liked, or that were ridiculous, but they held your attention, right? Three TV shows, um, what are some big questions about AI, about politics, about the direction of the world? What are things that scare you? I said, make me a syllabus of you, because I want to spend some time, like, re-getting to know you. And here was a, this was a powerful moment for us. Like, one month went by, two months went by, and I was doing something, I was like, I never got that syllabus. And so I texted her, hey, you never sent me that syllabus. And she texted back, I hope, I was hoping you forgot. And I texted back, why?

• 12:38Speaker 00

  Thought you were joking.

• 12:39Dr. John Delony?

  Well, here's the, here's the, here's the kicker. She said, uh, I said, I said, why did you hope I forget? And she said, I'm suddenly afraid that if you really know, you won't like me anymore. And I was like, good.

• 12:55Speaker 00

  Powerful.

• 12:56Dr. John Delony?

  Like, in my, in my soul, I was like, dude, we've been together thirty years between dating and being married. Like, we're, I, I, my ship has sailed, right? And that innate fear never leaves a person, ever, ever, ever. And it was this light bulb for me, like, in the tiny stuff, in the hand-holding, in the sixty-second hugs, in the how can I love you today? Those things are really important, but I only can know those things if I know her. And so it's this constant process, and, and we all change. Like, I'm married to, like, version forty of her, and she's married to version two hundred of me. Like, I, I married to a brand-new woman. I'm not married to the same person I married twenty, twenty-four years ago.

• 13:39Dr. John Delony?

  So I want to get to know her, but that syllabus exercise, man, was awesome. I listened to all the podcasts. Some of them were pretty insightful. Some of them made me want to stab my ears, eardrums out. And, like, I read several of the books. Two or three of them were really impactful for me. Several of them, I couldn't even get, I mean, I was like, this is drivel. Like, I don't even know what this is. But when we went to dinner, I was like, hey, tell me about this book that really impacted you in this way. And she's like, it meant this, and it said this. But that was me, less about the book, but getting to know how she's experiencing the world now. And man, that has made all the difference in the world. Not just that one time, but a constant re-getting to know each other all the time.

• 14:20Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  But yeah, the, the, that who am I question, what do I want question, and the toggling of identities, especially for, um, women and wives and mothers and professionals or not professionals. It's just, it's impossible. You cannot win. And so the anchoring point, like, we're, I'm gonna hand you a machete, and you're gonna head off into the woods, and you're gonna have to carve your own path, but I'll be right here. I'll be with you the whole way, cheering you on, taking dinners when you're gone, like, doing breakfast, making lunches, whatever I gotta do, doing laundry, whatever I gotta do that have, quote unquote, traditionally been your job for the last twenty years.

• 15:01Dr. John Delony?

  I got you because I want you to be in the process of rediscovery, because then I want to get to know her, right?

• 15:08Speaker 00

  Yep. I love that.

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  Can I just tell you, you're, man, you're like the model guy, dude. It's awesome.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 15:15Dr. John Delony?

  It's awesome. It's inspiring to hear a husband who loves his wife like this and wants to be a part of her world, right? That little secret world y'all created. That's awesome, dude.

• 15:27Speaker 00

  And I want our next forty years to be playful and spontaneous and that kind of stuff, and not this list of I have to, I, you know, I should.

• 15:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 15:36Speaker 00

  You know what I mean?

• 15:37Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all have five kids, right?

• 15:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:40Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, just blow off the fifth one. Nobody cares. He didn't even care. Just, like, start doing fun stuff together. Not really, but, but kind of.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  Agreed, agreed, yeah.

• 15:49Dr. John Delony?

  And if there is, if you sense this fear, this I don't even know, I don't even know where to start, I don't, I don't even know how to start.

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  Man, sign y'all up for dance classes once a week.

• 16:03Dr. John Delony?

  You go first, and she might go one, to one class and be like, I hate this. But at least now she knows not to go down that path. And, and, and, right, and, and give her, not permission, that's the wrong word, give her such encouragement to begin to practice speaking her mind, what she wants, what she thinks is fun. I mean, this, dude, this, uh, great conversations for the bedroom. Hey, what, what are three or four things you used to be super into that we don't do anymore? What are three or four things that, like, when we first got married, we got into a routine, and you're like, dude, if we never do that again, I'd be so happy. Uh, what are three or four or five things you want to try in the bedroom? Like, just begin this play together, right? This, it's like, this is ours. We get to do whatever we want with it.

• 16:45Dr. John Delony?

  And, man, what a magic trip y'all can go on, dude.

• 16:51Dr. John Delony?

  My la- my last thing I'll say is this, and I know I'm talking a lot, this one's so fresh for me.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I'm trying to think off the top of my head, one, two, three, four. I have four women in my life that I'm not related to, who have been down this who am I, what do I want to be, what do I want the back half of my life to be? What have, like, those questions, right? And they're with really encouraging partners. And they have been frustrated and almost, heartbroken is probably too dramatic of a way to say it, but they've looped all the way around, and they really like being homemakers.

• 17:36Dr. John Delony?

  And there's almost a sense of disappointment in themselves that really what they love is making sure everyone's car has gas in it so that they can go do their crazy things out in the world. And if that's where y'all land, then even more amazing. And that will take another round of support cheerleading from, from your perspective, right? If that's where she lands, I really just love being here. And now that our kid's 22, I'm gonna start a weekly letter writing. I'm gonna start visiting more. I'm gonna start traveling to see him more. I'm gonna be around, like, like, that might be where she, what she loves and where she lands. And if so, awesome. That's not a thing to hang your head about for her or for you.

• 18:21Dr. John Delony?

  That's the thing to celebrate too. It's that sense of becoming. But man, you're a good, good man, Steve. I appreciate you calling. Um, yeah, and you happened to hit a, strike a chord with me just cause I'm, I've, I've been walking alongside my ride or die, an amazing woman for, for years, like wrapping her head around, I got this responsibility, this task, I wanna do this, I'm super skilled at these 50 things. She's more talented than me than anything. And also that sense from the world, right? Like, you only have worth if it has a direct deposit attached to it, or I can't believe you're letting other kids, other people raise your kids, or I can't believe you're walking away from a generation of, a century of women fighting for your opportunity to go out in

• 19:06Dr. John Delony?

  the workplace. And it's just all these other people telling you what to do. And yeah, then it's just like, I just wanna turtle up. And, but man, my wife is such a great contributor to the world, to our home, to me, to her friends and colleagues and the people that she helps and supports, people who read her work, like, it's just inspiring to be around. But it's a battle. It's a battle. And knowing you, Steve, are gonna be right there, ride or die with your wife, man, will give her the anchor point for her to just swan dive off the side of that bridge. So, good for you, brother. When we come back, a woman asks if she and her husband should tell their kids about a past affair, and if so, when?

• 19:49Dr. John Delony?

  We'll be right back. When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cutwell. This is why I bought my wife the Culinary Kitchen Knives from Montana Knife Company, and it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana Knife Company knives are razor sharp, right out of the box. They're balanced and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. Their knives perfected. Montana Knife Company makes their knives right here in the United States, and years of experience go into every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used, I've sent them

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  off and got all my knives right back, razor sharp again. And these knives will still be sharp when my great grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com. All right, like, share, subscribe, all that good internet-y stuff makes a huge difference for everybody in the club. Let's go to Seattle, Washington, and talk to Andrea. Hey Andrea, what's up?

• 21:10Speaker 03

  Hi, how are you doing?

• 21:12Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great, how about you?

• 21:14Speaker 03

  Doing well. It's a pleasure to talk with you today.

• 21:16Dr. John Delony?

  You too, thanks for calling. What's going on?

• 21:19Speaker 03

  So, I need help trying to figure out if we tell our kids about an affair that my husband had a couple of years ago.

• 21:27Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm, tell me what's going on?

• 21:30Speaker 03

  So, he had an affair about two years ago, and I call it the worst and best thing that ever happened, kind of blew our marriage up. Um, we did eight months of counseling and we are better than we've ever been, and we're in a really great spot. Um, but we've learned a ton, and down the road, I just, I don't know if we should tell our kids, if we should tell them part of it, all of it, wait for them to ask, if we should come out and tell them together, just all kinds of questions.

• 22:02Dr. John Delony?

  What, what's the, what's the impetus for wanting to tell them?

• 22:07Speaker 03

  So, my husband was wrongly diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

• 22:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  Um, and come to find out after the affair happened, he's actually bipolar.

• 22:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  And so, we just, it was a struggle with his mental health for a decade. Um, and he almost, he had a suicide note written and was ready to end his life, and all of this happened, and it kind of blew us up in the best way possible, and got him the right help, and it's so cool to see him go through all of that and be courageous and be the man that I lost for a long time. Um, and with our kids now, just with what we've learned about mental health and relationships, what part of that should we tell them? Or should we tell them at all? Cause I know, once we tell them, their views of us and him will change a lot.

• 23:00Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, the, um, how old are they now?

• 23:03Speaker 03

  Right now, they're five, six, and seven.

• 23:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, God, no, no, not now. Um, I, I, let me say it this way, absolutely no, you don't have to. That's y'all, that's you and your husband's story. Where I think it could be a powerful conversation down the road is, um, as your kids get older, when, as it becomes age appropriate, you begin to slowly, um, open the lid to your life too, in an effort to become 360 degrees. You teach your kid, I'm a whole person too. Right?

• 23:48Dr. John Delony?

  And when they're six and seven and two and four, or however old, that's a great time that they get to see mom or dad weep. And they're like, why are you crying? Cause mommy's sad today. Cause of, cause you lost a friend, because you got just, you know, and you know what I'm talking about here, you got one of the lightning bolts, one of the images from the old days. And you, it happened, you're sad, and your kids are loving and they curl up on you, they're like, oh mommy, don't cry. And you say, no, no, crying's okay, when you're sad. But thank you so much for your, right? And what you're doing in that little, tiny little glimpse is teaching them, oh, my mom is a whole person. Right? And it's okay to cry when you're sad. It's okay to be upset when you're frustrated.

• 24:32Dr. John Delony?

  And, and here is a lived experience of what a emotionally mature adult does with it. Right? And so, when your 19-year-old comes home from college and is sobbing and says, I got cheated on, and y'all have a great relationship that you started working a decade and a half before, that might be a great moment to sit down and say, I've been there. Right? And now you're opening that human experience, or your husband may be able to sit down with your 19-year-old and say, let me tell you, let me tell you part of our story.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  And here's what forgiveness looks like, and here's the work I had to do to make it right, and here's the work your mom had to do to, like, put both feet back in the boat again in this thing called our marriage, like, um, like, that's when those kind of stories can, can become really powerful. Otherwise, it feels like y'all have this secret between you, and it's, y'all feel like it's too heavy to carry, and you wanna hand it to your kids and say, y'all have to carry part of this too.

• 25:43Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 25:44Dr. John Delony?

  And that's y'alls. And I would, I would suggest, as y'all continue to heal and you continue to rebuild this marriage y'all have, that y'all begin to set it down. It, it's a part of your story, it will always be part of your story, but it's not the destination of who y'all are going to be. Right?

• 26:05Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Yeah, I can still be heavy sometimes, but...

• 26:11Dr. John Delony?

  Totally. And, and I'll tell you, Andrea, like, you're not broken, cause it's still heavy sometimes. And there's not something, you're not a bad wife, and you're not all in on rebuilding, just because some days you can't get out of bed. Or you're doing something mindless, and that picture pops into your head.

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:32Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you're, that doesn't make you, that makes you completely and totally human. And then you have a game plan on, what do I do with that image? What do I do with, what do I, what am I gonna do next? And your body continues to shift your default setting and be like, we weren't safe then, but we're safe now. Right? That's just healing. Cause you, cause that, a, an unregulated person with bipolar that got misdiagnosed, that the affair was not the only thing you were dealing with in that house.

• 27:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:07Dr. John Delony?

  Right? That was a chaotic time for y'all, wasn't it?

• 27:10Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm, it was, it was really hard.

• 27:12Dr. John Delony?

  And chaotic is the nicest way I could say that. Right? Or a better word might be, it was a scary time. Fair?

• 27:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, survival.

• 27:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you got three really young kids, or two young kids, you find out you're pregnant, and then all hell's breaking loose, right?

• 27:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, not a good time. And so, your body remembers that, puts a GPS pin in that and says, never forget this, Andrea, cause it could happen again. And that's just your body trying to love you well. And what you have to say is, I get it, thank you for trying to take care of me, but I'm good now. I'm working towards something different now. You get what I'm saying?

• 27:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I do.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  So, do you feel a pressure? Do you feel dishonest? What's the, what's the, what's the feeling behind the feeling you have?

• 27:58Speaker 03

  I think just after all this happened, really struggling with vulnerability and who to be vulnerable to. Um, we were really careful who we told.

• 28:07Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 28:08Speaker 03

  My family doesn't know. So, it's like, ah, one day if we decide to tell the kids or if it comes up, just kind of opening Pandora's box that way. But vulnerability feels amazing too.

• 28:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 03

  So, just weighing, weighing both of those.

• 28:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, like, there's a, there's a biological cost to secrets, right? They'll kill you. And having people in your life that you can be fully whole with, fully real with, fully open with, is, is, is, is critical to species survival, right? You gotta have that. And we live in a culture that thinks, you know, everybody has access to everybody's everything all the time, and that's just simply not true. It's probably very wise that y'all haven't told your family, and may never tell your family, cause it's none of their business. It's not their, it's not their marriage.

• 28:58Dr. John Delony?

  And that doesn't make you deceptive or not a good person or whatever. That makes you very protective of you and your husband's secret world. And that's the right thing for y'all. And maybe his parents are more supportive or willing to show up next to y'all like, great, that's cool.

• 29:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:13Dr. John Delony?

  Every, every, it's, that's you being not dishonest, that's you being wise.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:25Dr. John Delony?

  Can I tell you a thing that's sitting in the middle of my chest right now?

• 29:30Speaker 03

  Yes, please.

• 29:31Dr. John Delony?

  The more I listen, the more we talk, more I talk, I'm talking too much today. The more I talk and the more I hear you,

• 29:43Dr. John Delony?

  the heavier this is still sitting on you, it feels like.

• 29:47Dr. John Delony?

  Do you want to be further along than you are? Tell me what you're experiencing.

• 29:52Speaker 03

  I think I hold this all still really, really close. And even the people that feel safe to talk to, you don't bring it up very often. So it's a, it's an isolating feeling a lot of the time.

• 30:05Dr. John Delony?

  What is, what does not isolating look like for you? What would that look like?

• 30:11Speaker 03

  Being risky and open up with people more.

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  What does that mean, though?

• 30:20Speaker 03

  I feel like there've been a couple of opportunities, like with my girlfriends, that I could have shared but chose not to, just for fear of, I don't want them to view, like my husband and I differently. And it would be such a shame if they, because a lot of people don't view affairs very, very well. So, and I feel like we have a good, people view us as a really strong couple. And I would love for them to.

• 30:47Dr. John Delony?

  That right there is what's, that's what's gonna kill you. That's what's gonna kill you.

• 30:52Dr. John Delony?

  Because you're, you're not protecting him.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  And in some ways, you're not protecting you, you're protecting the image y'all portray.

• 31:01Dr. John Delony?

  And that's gonna get real, real exhausting, carrying that.

• 31:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:05Dr. John Delony?

  That's the actor popping out from behind the curtain in front, on stage in front of the audience, being like, it's all great, and there's a fire going on backstage. Right?

• 31:16Dr. John Delony?

  How much?

• 31:19Dr. John Delony?

  This is just because I've had this conversation with so many men and women, but especially women.

• 31:26Dr. John Delony?

  Obviously, there's the, I don't want people to say bad things about my husband. How much do you carry, and I hear this a lot, and you may say, I don't care that at all,

• 31:37Dr. John Delony?

  that you had a story that had been in your head, either consciously or unconsciously, that if that ever happens to me, I'm gone. And you might have even told stories to yourself about other women who stayed. What a weak lady, I can't believe she's just staying. And then now you're like, oh, I'm her. And I don't want any of my girlfriends to find out.

• 31:58Speaker 03

  I think for me, I knew, like, my husband and I have talked about it, and this affair was 80% him and 20% our marriage, like his mental health. And for me, I felt like I stayed really strong through all of it, and it wasn't my fault. But I think I'm at the point now where I, I want to make meaning out of this. And I want to share kind of the grit of our story. And he still holds a lot of shame and embarrassment from everything. So I wanna, I wanna be more open, and he's still pretty protective.

• 32:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:33Dr. John Delony?

  So is that where the conflict is? Is that you want to tell your girlfriends, and your husband says, don't tell anybody, we're not allowed to tell anybody, keep it a secret?

• 32:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, I would say so.

• 32:43Dr. John Delony?

  That, to me, is next level that y'all need to work through.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:51Dr. John Delony?

  And there's a balance between, like, that, yeah, I'll just leave it there. Like, that's a, that's a next level thing, because, um, in a, in a roundabout way, he's asking you to hold his, carry his shame, his embarrassment, his frustration, his image. And that's his to carry.

• 33:09Dr. John Delony?

  That's y'all's as a married couples to protect, but that's his to carry.

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  And in no way am I saying make a big Facebook post about it, and not do an Instagram swipe thing with it. And, but, but, yeah, you've got to have girlfriends that you can be honest with and exhale in front of. And weep, weep with.

• 33:37Dr. John Delony?

  And if this is gonna sound awful, because I'm gonna pile on you right now, you're also gonna have to sit down with your closest girlfriends and say, I've kept something big from you for two years, I'm sorry.

• 33:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And the longer that goes, the bigger that conversation gets.

• 34:00Dr. John Delony?

  But especially your kids don't need to be the outlet.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely not.

• 34:11Dr. John Delony?

  So what's this conversation look like with your husband?

• 34:17Speaker 03

  I think just that of, I can't hold his shame, and I'd love to talk about what it looks like to share our story with safe people, to can move forward and, I don't know, not feel so heavy with this anymore.

• 34:33Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 34:35Dr. John Delony?

  And I heard you say two things, and so hold the tension of these two things. There's something about, I need some people to sit with me, that I trust, that fully know me. And I do not have, like, I'm giving them backstage passes, they get to see me behind the curtain. Right? And there's what I think is a very modern temptation of the only way to make meaning some, about something is to make it famous.

• 35:03Dr. John Delony?

  To get likes, to get audiences, to get nods, to get tears out of it. And that's not always meaning, making meaning. Making meaning may be you saying, this is, I found out I'm a way stronger woman than I thought I was. And here's what, how I'm going to use that strength moving forward. I may go back to, and get a degree in therapy, and I'm gonna, I'm just gonna focus on women who've been cheated on. I'm gonna focus on wives of husbands with bipolar. I'm, I'm gonna focus on, like, who knows, right? But making meaning and fame are two radically different things.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't want you to put a dollar amount, or a likes amount, or a shares amount, or a book deal as part of, like, as a sign for yourself that I've made meaning of this.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 35:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I like that, I've made meaning, just, I was way stronger than I thought I ever could be. Pretty cool.

• 36:02Dr. John Delony?

  Well, making me, that, that's a, that's a recognition, that's a realization, but making meaning is, what are you gonna do with that strength?

• 36:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:10Dr. John Delony?

  Who are you gonna love and honor and serve with that strength you have now?

• 36:15Speaker 03

  Which is funny, during all of this, I was going to school to get my therapy degree. But now I do couples therapy.

• 36:21Dr. John Delony?

  Nice.

• 36:22Speaker 03

  Some meaning right there.

• 36:23Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. I mean, it's, okay, so I'm talking to a fellow therapist, like, well, I'm not a fellow therapist, I just, I just fake it on, on the internets. Like, you, you, what would you tell a client who came in to see you?

• 36:37Speaker 03

  Going through this?

• 36:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 36:40Dr. John Delony?

  Who, to the woman in front of you saying, I, I can't carry, I've gotta be able to share this and have some people in my life that I can talk to. And husband says he's still too embarrassed and ashamed, and so I'm not allowed to tell anybody anything, which, I'm a strong woman now, it's my new identity, and I'm still being controlled by this guy's insecurities. What would you tell him?

• 37:03Speaker 03

  Gosh, I feel like validate everything. It's, it's strong to be weak, it's, it's all okay to feel all of it. It's okay to want to share, you need to share. It's okay to not share with people, too, like, all of it's okay.

• 37:23Dr. John Delony?

  That's the difference between a licensed therapist and me. You have to, you have to, I get to just say what I think, and you have to follow the, the code of ethics. So, that's awesome. But, but maybe that's a fun exercise to do, or a hard exercise, is to do an empty chair exercise with yourself, and put a picture of yourself on an empty chair in front of you. And let the chair be the therapist, and you tell your story to you, and then ask yourself, what would I, what would I tell me? Like, you gotta get it, you gotta get some women in your life that you trust, some of your closest friends. You're becoming somebody you never wanted to be, which is somebody who held secrets from those closest to her.

• 38:05Dr. John Delony?

  You're becoming somebody that is not in congru, is not in alignment with this meaning you're making of what happened, which is, I'm strong. And I'm gonna do what's right for me, for my marriage and for my kids. And I'm gonna honor and love and support and be friends with my husband. And also, he's gotta carry what's his, and I'll carry what's mine. And there has, there has to be a coming together there. And so, if you back all the way out, two years, lots of diagnostics, lots of management of,

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  true mental health disorder, lots of, oh, like, the storm is, the storm itself has passed, but man, we still got a lot of rebuilding to do. And that's part of the new marriage after the storm is over. Right? And then we're gonna rebuild again, and we're gonna rebuild again. But now you're at the next layer, if you will, the next level, and that is,

• 39:07Dr. John Delony?

  I need some support now, I've been holding this thing together for two years, I need some support.

• 39:13Dr. John Delony?

  And let's have that hard talk. Thanks for the call, dude. You're awesome. And it's inspiring to see two people go get the help they need, do the work and to prioritize this thing called being married. And it's messy and ugly and gritty and like stub your toe, skin, like it's painful. And it's amazing to watch you walk through it, Andrea. Thanks for the call. We come back, a man asks how to stop missing his ex-in-laws and feeling betrayed by their loyalty to their daughter. We'll be right back.

• 39:51Dr. John Delony?

  I know some of you out there are hurting, and I mean really hurting. Your marriage is falling apart in real time and you and your spouse both know it. You're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction and you feel completely powerless. Some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy, it's affecting every area of your life. And you've tried everything you can do and you can't seem to shake it. When things feel this desperate, a weekly therapy session might not be enough. That's why I want to tell you about the Vine and Root Program from Capstone Wellness. These are three to five day onsite therapy intensives for couples, families, and individuals who need more than a standard 50 minute therapy session once a week. You'll work with your Capstone's team before you even arrive. So the moment you get

• 40:36Dr. John Delony?

  there, the real work can begin. Once you're there, you won't just talk about problems, you'll start to get to the root and heal them. Every single day, you'll sit with a therapist who's completely focused on you. You'll do the deep work that leads to real change so that you leave with hope, a plan, and the tools to keep moving forward. I know the people at Capstone personally. If someone I love needed this level of care, Capstone would be my first call because I trust them and the work they do. If this is you, don't wait. Go get help now. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney or click the link in the description.

• 41:18Dr. John Delony?

  Yo, okay, so listen, I have heard you and I've started creating, me and my team here have started creating tools that are free, that are just for you. And they're tools that y'all are asking me for, like, what is this, what is this weekly rundown? What is this conflict framework? Like, how do we have a, like a hard car? We're building them out and we're just giving them to you. Cause you've been with us for so long, you're trying to do the work in your house and I love you guys for it. So, one of the things that we've created is the weekly rundown. I'm always, like, man, listen, if you and your spouse, you and your girlfriend, you and your boyfriend, will just get together at the beginning of a week and be honest about reality. Here's what's

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  on our calendar. Here's what our work week is going to look like. Here's the expenses that are coming our way. We got a dentist appointment. We got an oil change. We got to get two kids to the doctor. We've got, we've got, like, and hey, what about us? We gotta put us on the calendar.

• 42:16Dr. John Delony?

  Whether we're gonna put sex on the calendar twice this week, or once this week, or not this week, or we're gonna put this time after the kids go to bed, we're just gonna watch an old episode of The Office, but we're gonna plan it now. And even when we quote unquote, don't feel like it, we're gonna walk through that thing together because we decided at the beginning of the week, here's who we're gonna be this week. Right? So, I created the weekly rundown. It's very similar to what me and my wife do on a pretty regular basis. Here's a calendar. Here's the stuff going on. What's your work week look like? For me, she'll ask, like, how many shows do you have? Do you have a lot of recordings? Do you have a lot of media? Are you traveling? I'll ask her, like, you got this thing, you got, what do you got going on?

• 42:55Dr. John Delony?

  Are you writing a lot? And it just aligns us. And then we are united before the chaos begins. So, it's completely for free. Click the link in the show notes. It's my gift to you. Take this thing and use it for just a month. Just once a week, any night of the week, any morning of the week. Me and my wife usually do it on either Saturday mornings or Sunday evenings, but just do it together and begin staring the week in the face and commit to not letting the week happen to you, but you and your spouse are happening to that week. And it just reimagines your whole marriage united. So, click the link in the show notes for the weekly rundown. Go

• 43:39Dr. John Delony?

  check it out. Let's go to Charlotte, North Carolina, and let's talk to Thomas. What's up, Thomas?

• 43:44Speaker 04

  Hey, and I've got a new one for you. I missed my ex-in-laws.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  Nice. Nice. Tell me about it.

• 43:52Speaker 04

  New territory here, yeah. Yeah, so, I was really close with my ex-in-laws, like a second family. I mean, I have a really good home life growing up, great parents, as parents you could ever hope for. So, it's not like they were replacing like a bad situation for me or anything, like, you know, from family growing up. But they were just really great people, really just brought me right into their family, you know? From my ex-father-in-law and ex-mother-in-law to my ex-brother-in-law, sister-in-law, they're like brothers and sisters. It was just a really

• 44:29Speaker 04

  good, it was just great. My ex-wife ended up having at least two, possibly three affairs with guys, coworkers at work. And it absolutely just wrecked me. But I accepted the divorce was over, or that the marriage was over. And, you know, just went through with getting a divorce.

• 44:59Speaker 04

  And it was, it was rough. They, even her family was very, just furious hurt by what she did after everything came out. And I actually didn't tell them, you know, she did. So, it's not like I was running to spread anything. And to the point where they spoke to me personally, just like, hey, we're really concerned about her and what she did. It just doesn't seem, this show's so shocking. And they even wrote my parents a letter just apologizing for what their daughter did. I mean, it's just, they were just heartbroken by it. So, fast forward, maybe about a year after our divorce was final, she ended up marrying one of the guys that she

• 45:43Speaker 04

  was seeing when we were still married. And this is what really just killed me, man. Her family, even after being so supportive of me and our kids and everybody, what we had to go through, and they went halfway across the country to celebrate this huge wedding they had. And just seeing pictures of-

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, you gotta stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, get out, get out.

• 46:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Get out. You're killing yourself, man. You're killing yourself.

• 46:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:19Dr. John Delony?

  Like I'm heartbroken for you, dude.

• 46:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 46:25Dr. John Delony?

  But this is about missing them. This is about, but it's missing, it's way more than that, dude. I heard Ellen Langer, she's a famous research professor, like one of the pioneers. And she said, and I'm challenging your language on purpose because I want to get to the root, okay? She said, how much is one plus one? And everyone's like, well, duh, two. And she said, well, sometimes. To which I'm like, oh, here we go, some little trickster. And she said, one pile of laundry plus one pile of laundry is one pile of laundry. It's context, right? So, you didn't get a second family.

• 47:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:07Dr. John Delony?

  You got an even bigger, awesome one.

• 47:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:11Dr. John Delony?

  And somebody blew it up.

• 47:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  What was, doesn't exist anymore.

• 47:21Dr. John Delony?

  And as heartbroken as you are, and as mad as you are, and as you've run the scenarios and had the imagination of her with other guy, like all of that, what you really want is a teammate.

• 47:35Dr. John Delony?

  But think through it, like, not logically, nothing about this is logical. It's just so powerful, the emotions and the feelings. Like, did you want her dad to shun his daughter?

• 47:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, right?

• 47:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:53Dr. John Delony?

  Hell, yeah, dude.

• 47:54Speaker 04

  Honestly, yeah. Honestly, it's, there's zero consequences for what, not only she did to me, but to our kids, our young kids, you know?

• 48:05Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so you got kids too, huh?

• 48:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, young kids. And it's just like, I just honestly, I hate every holiday now.

• 48:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 48:15Speaker 04

  I live for January 2nd, where Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, everything is done and I can just, I just, I just hate it. And that was always one of the most favorite times of year for me. And I just hate it now.

• 48:34Dr. John Delony?

  I don't think you hate it now. I think you're grieving, man. There's a difference.

• 48:38Speaker 04

  Man, it's been like three years now, you know?

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right, well, maybe. But here's what I want you to do. When you're planning, like, we're heading into the fall right now as you and I are taking this call.

• 48:52Speaker 04

  Right.

• 48:53Dr. John Delony?

  I want you, as you begin to plan ahead, because you're a single dad now, part of the time. And as you're planning ahead for what Halloween will look like, and fall school stuff, and Thanksgiving and Christmas, I want you to get a picture of your ex-wife in an eight and a half by 11 picture and frame it. And put it down on your desk or on your table.

• 49:18Dr. John Delony?

  And before you start mapping out what this fall's gonna look like, I want you to look at that picture and be like, you know what? You ruined my life. I want you to keep ruining it. I want you to keep ruining my life, make me hate what was one of my most favorite things, ruin my precious, limited time with my children.

• 49:39Dr. John Delony?

  And then hopefully you'll feel how ridiculous it is to allow her to continue to speak and poison your life.

• 49:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:48Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? You she's she's still in bed with you, dude. She's still at the kitchen table with you ruining your life. She's already done it. She walked away. And I'm with you, dude. I would have hoped her dad would have been like, no, shun. But he's not. That's his daughter, right?

• 50:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:06Dr. John Delony?

  And this is gonna sound like a like a real punch in the gut for you. The greatest gift you for your kids now, not before, but now is that mom is regulated.

• 50:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 50:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  Cause like as healthy as a mom as they could possibly have in this crap show, the better off they're gonna be.

• 50:29Speaker 04

  Right. Right. And I guess I realize that, you know, this is a part of me that I just feel like I didn't do, I didn't do anything wrong and all the consequences of it. And I know there's give and take on any relation, all that, but like, I feel like I'm I suffer all the consequences and she and he are celebrated and.

• 51:03Dr. John Delony?

  Can you change any of that?

• 51:06Speaker 04

  No.

• 51:08Dr. John Delony?

  No, okay, that's all you need right there. Being being mad about it, being frustrated about it, being angry about it, yelling to the heavens, it's unfair, it's not right. None of that changes the reality that you find yourself in. And so all of the energy you're using in that type of, I hate my life, I'm alone, I walked down the hall, half, half the month and it's silent and it shouldn't be silent. I got little kids. Shouldn't be silent here in this house.

• 51:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:43Dr. John Delony?

  All of that grief, all that energy, you can, man, you can just keep, you can put it in a giant, um, Yeti and just chug it all day long.

• 51:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:56Dr. John Delony?

  Or you can put your head up against their door in the room that they're not sleeping in this particular week and sob your eyes out and then ask yourself, what am I gonna go do now with this time, this energy? What kind of man can I become so that when the truth of this thing slowly unfolds over the next, by the way, brother, 20 years?

• 52:18Speaker 04

  Uh huh.

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  And your 25 year old son or your 25 year old daughters having breakfast with you one day? That they will be able to go, my dad is just a straight A badass.

• 52:34Speaker 04

  That's the hope, you know?

• 52:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's not, no, no, no, no, no. What's the old saying, a hope without a plan is a wish?

• 52:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 52:45Dr. John Delony?

  At some point you have to decide, I'm gonna keep waking up every morning and drinking poison, hoping something bad happens to her. Or I'm gonna quit drinking poison. You're you you you've made yourself nuts, brother.

• 53:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, and honestly, I don't know how to, how to not be nuts.

• 53:10Dr. John Delony?

  What's your, well, being nuts is, it's part of it. Like, give yourself some, like, gives yourself some grace. I'm giving you grace, like, you should be, somebody blew your life up and then just moved on, right?

• 53:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:22Dr. John Delony?

  And so there is consequence, there's significant consequence, it just doesn't look like it. And if all, the only access you have is whatever leveraged fancy car she pulls up in to drop the kids off with, whatever Instagram highlights or Facebook posts you see, then you're gonna backfill what you see with stories about how great her life is and how bad your life is. It is not as good as you think it is.

• 53:53Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:56Dr. John Delony?

  And over the course of the next few years, your kid's eyes will begin to open up.

• 54:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:07Dr. John Delony?

  And hopefully they have an anchored rooted father. Whose house got blown to smithereens, he wept in the front yard. He spent a couple of years just dazed and confused and then he got work gloves out and started cleaning the yard up and rebuilding the house, how he wanted it built.

• 54:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:29Dr. John Delony?

  And so, bro, what, what, if I said your homework assignment is to go sign up for two things twice a week, you gotta go do it, what would you sign up for? Pick anything.

• 54:44Speaker 04

  You know, um, I already go to the gym regularly, um.

• 54:47Dr. John Delony?

  That's, I'm not, that's for you. You gotta go do something that people will notice when you're not there. What would that be? Because you go to the gym and you got headphones in, you're, you're just, you're taking your isolation to a different environment, but you're still all alone.

• 55:09Speaker 04

  You know, honestly, that's a, that's a good question. I don't know what I could do to go where people would miss me. I feel, and I know this is not reality, but it just feels like, it just feels like I'm just checking the days off, you know, Monday, check, done, Tuesday, check, done. And I look back and years have passed and it's like I'm still just checking days off of my life.

• 55:35Dr. John Delony?

  That's, you know what? I've been having this conversation with folks for 20 years and that's the best picture I've ever been painted of that. You're exactly right. You're exactly right. And you're at a fork in the road. You can check the rest of your life off. There's a, you can do that, brother.

• 55:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:59Dr. John Delony?

  Or you can not let your life happen to you, but you can say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm getting back in the game. What game do I wanna play?

• 56:14Speaker 04

  Yeah. Man, it's tough.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  It's, I can't even, bro, I can't even wrap my head around how hard it is. I say this with all the love of my heart, I wouldn't trade places with you for all the money in the world, you know what I mean? Like, you're in hell and you've been there for a while. Don't bring a picture of her to the pit you're in, to the edge of the pit and look up and let her leer over at you anymore.

• 56:46Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point.

• 56:50Dr. John Delony?

  What's your custody arrangement?

• 56:53Speaker 04

  Uh, 50 50.

• 56:54Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, half a week or week on, week off, how does that work?

• 56:58Speaker 04

  Uh, it's, uh, since we live in the same town, it's, uh, I could, we used to do, uh, three days with me, three days with her.

• 57:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 57:07Speaker 04

  Um, it's kind of, it honestly, it's just something we kind of came up with ourselves and the boys really like it that way. So it's just been a good fit.

• 57:16Dr. John Delony?

  Um, are you, are y'all able to go to parent conferences together? Y'all able, are your kids old enough for that kind of stuff yet?

• 57:24Speaker 04

  Yes, yes.

• 57:26Dr. John Delony?

  Are y'all able to go to little league practice or whatever together?

• 57:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, there's no, um, honestly, I just, she doesn't really start drama with me and I don't, I don't start with her. So we can, we, we are fine to be in the same room together and, and communicate about the kids and stuff like that. It's not, there's no tension in that.

• 57:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I want to tell you, I honor you for that, brother. I'm proud of you.

• 57:54Speaker 04

  It's hard.

• 57:55Dr. John Delony?

  I, I mean, I haven't been there, but I can only imagine I would have gone to jail a few times. So if I saw this other dude, so like, you're, you're, you're handling this externally really impressively. And your kids are the direct beneficiary of it.

• 58:15Dr. John Delony?

  So what does it look, what does it look like to, I'm making this up, but you get the kids Thursday, Friday, Saturday. What does it look like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? To one night, you sign up for whatever league, another night, you sign up for, I'm, dude, and again, I'm, I'm making stuff up, chess club, jujitsu, I don't care, softball league, I don't care, but you're gonna start putting yourself back in this thing called life.

• 58:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna get three dudes from work and we're gonna go hike every Wednesday night, every Tuesday, I'm gonna go, like, I'm just, I'm just, I'm gonna force myself, especially when I don't feel like it. Can not miss.

• 58:59Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 59:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 59:03Speaker 04

  I, I do need to do more of that consistently. I, I do.

• 59:07Dr. John Delony?

  Change your language, brother. Starting today, change your language. You're, you're done needing.

• 59:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:12Dr. John Delony?

  You get to now.

• 59:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:15Dr. John Delony?

  You, you get one lap around this crazy track called life. She took four years from you. That's it. Period at the end of that sentence. She gets no more days of your life.

• 59:28Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 59:32Dr. John Delony?

  And sign up and have it be ridiculous. Find yourself two weeks into a ceramics class, being like, what the hell am I doing here? Like, find yourself, find yourself laughing in the car, like, God, that was terrible.

• 59:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:49Dr. John Delony?

  Begin to feel emotions again, other than anger and sadness.

• 59:55Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, that's, it's tough, but I have to do it.

• 1:00:02Dr. John Delony?

  You get to do it.

• 1:00:04Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:00:05Dr. John Delony?

  Same as lifting heavy weights is, is hard, but you get to.

• 1:00:08Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:00:11Dr. John Delony?

  And man, you, your life will transform and because you did the work to refill your pitcher, you will have endless energy, joy, goofiness, when your knuckleheaded kids show up on Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

• 1:00:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then you can be a laser beam for them. And when they leave Saturday afternoon, you can have that complete burnout. I, I'm sad, I miss them, or you might be like, oh thank God, right? Like, whatever you feel. And you can go to a movie, you can just say Saturday nights are my, get a pizza and watch nothing on TV.

• 1:00:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:51Dr. John Delony?

  Or every Saturday night, I run five miles alone, because I don't care, right? Like, I don't care what you, but it's just you saying, I'm happening to life, not life is happening to me.

• 1:01:01Speaker 04

  Yeah. It's, that's, yes, I, I agree with everything, all of that, that.

• 1:01:10Dr. John Delony?

  There, there's no way to think or feel your way through it. You have to go do it.

• 1:01:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, I've proven that to myself the past four years.

• 1:01:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. We're, we're, we're gonna continue to think, we're gonna continue to feel, that's part of the human experience, but we are gonna take, number one priority is action.

• 1:01:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:01:28Dr. John Delony?

  As my buddy Michael Easter says, go do something. Doesn't matter what that is. I'm gonna start living my life. And you're gonna make friends, you're gonna meet other, you're gonna meet somebody. You're gonna start to feel laughter again, you're gonna start to feel nervous again, you're gonna start to feel bored again. And that's the human experience. I hate this happened to you. And I am super jazzed up to see what you do next. We'll be right back.

• 1:02:03Dr. John Delony?

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• 1:02:43Dr. John Delony?

  you and your partner need term life insurance from Xander. Xander shops the top rated companies to find the best coverage options for your needs and your budget. And you'll find out covering both of you probably costs a lot less than you think it will. With term life from Xander, you have peace of mind that your family will always be taken care of. I've used Xander for most of my adult life, and my wife and I sleep better knowing that both of us are covered with life insurance, and we both know that our family will be protected. What you do is irreplaceable, but if something happens to you, term life insurance helps protect your family, no matter whose name is on the paycheck. Get this done today

• 1:03:24Dr. John Delony?

  by going to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free quote. That's xander with a Z.com or click the link in the description.

• 1:03:36Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, we have a my, am I the problem? But I have a, another question to ask you before this.

• 1:03:43Speaker 02

  Go ahead.

• 1:03:44Dr. John Delony?

  This is a new segment that I just invented called, Is It Me?

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  Yes, the answer's yes.

• 1:03:49Dr. John Delony?

  Is it me? Or can we be done with portals?

• 1:03:55Speaker 02

  Oh, like, every doctor's office has a portal and every...

• 1:04:00Dr. John Delony?

  Not only at, at my kid's schools, not only does the school have a portal, does my kid have one, every teacher has a portal inside the portal. And from that portal, if a certain checkbox is checked, I get email correspondence for all... And then there's the doctor portal, and there's the dentist portal. Oh, you had to go to a different doctor? Well, you have to have the, the HMO portal that then goes to the different doctor portals. Listen, Kelly, listen. We had this badass invention called a file cabinet, and an even more awesome invention called Manila folders. And it seemed to work great for a long time.

• 1:04:38Dr. John Delony?

  If I never see another portal, I would be a happy guy.

• 1:04:41Speaker 02

  You won't be a happy guy then. Hate to tell you.

• 1:04:45Dr. John Delony?

  So is it me? Do I actually need to get over my portalness?

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  Um, no, it's not just you, but I also don't think there's a way around it. Like, so my daughter has a doctor's appointment, an online doctor's appointment in the morning, just to check up for some medication and stuff. And she's gonna be out of town with my husband. And I keep all the portals, I'm the one that has all the portals, I have all that, but he's gonna be doing the doctor's appointment. And we, I, so I had to, we had to get into portable, portal, get into the, the logins, because he can't do the doctor's appointment with her without it.

• 1:05:15Dr. John Delony?

  Well, okay, that's the other thing about freaking portals. Every, like, it seems like every nine minutes, I'm sure it's a little bit longer than that, maybe 18 minutes, I get some update that I have, my password's expired, I have to change my password. So I change it, and they're like, well, that's what it was last time. And so you can't use that one. But don't use the one on your bank, and don't use the one on your retirement account, not your life insurance, not your job. I got portals at work. I got portals everywhere. And you know what else? You know what else? I, I think, I think we're, like, being rounded up by big portal. I think big portal's coming for us. And I also think this, there's another thing going on in this country that I'm really pissed off about,

• 1:05:55Dr. John Delony?

  and it's the attack on knobs. There's no more knobs. You know what I want in my car? A volume knob. I just wanna turn it. The other night, I lost my Roku remote.

• 1:06:10Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, you know what I watched on YouTube? Like, an hour and a half?

• 1:06:12Speaker 02

  Whatever it was on.

• 1:06:13Dr. John Delony?

  Of drivel, because like, there was no knob on it. I just wanna push a thing and say, change. And they're like, sorry, you have to have our magical little, little freaking device. You know what else? There's no knobs on doors anymore. Now it's just like, beep beep beep beep beep, and it, can we jest? Can we jest, man? That's why I have kids. They can go change the channel for me. We don't need all this other stuff. And God help us. We got, I can't, dude, I can't. I can't. If, if I have one more portal to log into, if I get one more email from like, a four years ago teacher who's got like theater practice, and I'm like, get me out of your portal. All right, so my other problem, go for it, Kelly.

• 1:06:57Speaker 02

  Actually, on that note, I think we're just gonna end by me saying, hey, folks, we need some more of my other problems. And we have a new way for you to do that. So you can still...

• 1:07:08Dr. John Delony?

  If you tell them to go to a portal, you're out, you're out. You're off the show. We will, hey, I mark my words, there will never be a Deloney portal, ever, ever. I'll put my foot down. I'll quit. I'll just, I will go back to the street corner yelling out, like, mental health advice where I used to be before they found, y'all found me. Like, we can't, Kelly, we can't. I can't do it. I can't. I want a button, I want a knob, and I want a file cabinet. I don't know why that is, we've spent a trillion dollars solving that problem, and it was never a freaking problem to be solved. It wasn't a problem. It wasn't a problem. I don't need to talk into my remote. I don't. I, I don't

• 1:07:49Dr. John Delony?

  need to tell it. Cause, cause you know why? Pushing a button isn't a big deal. It's just not a big deal. It's not. Dude, listen. All right, say what you're gonna say. What are you gonna say?

• 1:08:03Speaker 02

  I pressed the button like 10 times, and then had to turn it off, and then turn it off.

• 1:08:06Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not doing great.

• 1:08:08Speaker 02

  What? I never noticed. You seemed fine.

• 1:08:11Dr. John Delony?

  I thought the worst thing in the world was a square Kia, just that, and it, ah, makes me crazy, square Kia drivers. It's not, it's, it's the portals. That's taking over. It's taking over. All right, I'm done. Go ahead.

• 1:08:24Speaker 02

  By the way, you have spouses of two people in this room that drive those.

• 1:08:28Dr. John Delony?

  I, I know. Yeah, but I, I now, that's a now on the job, like, on, on the application. Cause I will weed you out. There's no way, Alex, you would have made it through if I hadn't known that.

• 1:08:39Speaker 05

  We weren't married yet, so.

• 1:08:40Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah, it was just some girl you were with.

• 1:08:41Speaker 05

  A zebra print Kia. It's even worse.

• 1:08:46Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, my husband's is just black, and it was a...

• 1:08:49Dr. John Delony?

  Your husband has one?

• 1:08:50Speaker 02

  Well, it was a default because it was a car...

• 1:08:53Dr. John Delony?

  Your husband's the coolest guy, no!

• 1:08:55Speaker 02

  It was because we had a, a car that died, and then, so my son had it, and it was kind of one of those, like, he ended up having to drive it for a little while, so, kind of a thing. Yeah. Because the car, he had died, so. And my son bought a car, so he ended up driving it. And anyway, so if you have an am I the problem?

• 1:09:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm speechless.

• 1:09:20Speaker 02

  I doubt that. Very, very seriously, very seriously doubt it. If you have an am I the problem, you can still email us in [email protected]/ask. You can still fill out the form, we will still 100% take those. But, you can also call us at...

• 1:09:39Dr. John Delony?

  But with two Ts.

• 1:09:40Speaker 02

  844-693-3291. Leave us a voicemail. 60 seconds.

• 1:09:48Dr. John Delony?

  Say that number again.

• 1:09:50Speaker 02

  844-693-3291. Leave a voicemail. Keep, try to keep it around a minute, if you can. And at the beginning, say your name, where you're calling from, or whatever name and the happy location you wanna choose, and tell us, I'm calling with an am I the problem. That way, we know immediately, because I get a transcript of the voicemails.

• 1:10:08Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:10:09Speaker 02

  That way, I know immediately that's what this is for.

• 1:10:11Dr. John Delony?

  Sweet.

• 1:10:11Speaker 02

  Ask your question, and it has to be a question that we can answer without any follow-up. So it can't be some thing that requires 20 minutes of, of back and forth. Can't be one of the questions we take on the show. Y'all have heard enough of these am I the problems to know, it's gotta be just like, hey, am I wrong? Is my mother-in-law bad? Or, you know, whatever. Just get to the, ask the question, and we might play your voicemail on the show, and then John will respond to it.

• 1:10:35Dr. John Delony?

  That would be awesome.

• 1:10:36Speaker 02

  So that'd be amazing.

• 1:10:37Dr. John Delony?

  And then you'll respond with the correct answer to my response, which is usually how it works.

• 1:10:40Speaker 02

  With the same person answer.

• 1:10:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. So, yes, send in your, um, am I the problem voicemails. We can't wait to get them. It's gonna, I can't wait. And join me in the fight against big portal. Together, we can bring back file cabinets and knobs. Love you guys. Bye.