Caller: “My Husband Blames Me for Getting Pregnant”

💬 Tired of having the same arguments with your spouse? Get Dr. John Delony's Conflict Game Plan On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose husband blames her for getting pregnant A wife wondering how to convince her husband that his business is ruining their marriage A man struggling to forgive his cheating wife Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app. 💬 Get the Free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I move forward when my husband still blames me for our fourth baby? I knew he wouldn't be thrilled, but instead he was actually very angry. He ended up saying that it was all my, this was all my fault. I should have known myself better. I should have been tracking myself better.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. Take in your calls on your mental and emotional health, your, your families, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you. Real people with real challenges. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. So grateful that you're spending your time with us. Let's go out to Washington DC and talk to Ann. Hey, Ann, what's going on?

• 1:02Speaker 00

  Um, so my question is, how do I move forward when my husband still blames me for our fourth baby?

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about that.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  Um, so before we got, we've been married for like over 10 years. And before we got married, we talked about kids. Um, you know, we kind of played the back and forth game between three and six and four and five. We kind of settled on four. And, um, every time we were ready to have another kid, like we were actually ready. We're ready for our first, our second, our third. First two were pretty easy. The third took a good, long while. Um, and then when our third was a little over a year, I guess he said, you know, I think we should wait on the fourth. We hadn't had an actual conversation about having another one at that time. But I was like, okay, that, that's fine.

• 1:53Speaker 00

  There's no conversation about not having anymore or anything like that. And then a couple of months after that, lo and behold, I'm pregnant with a fourth. Um, and I knew he wouldn't be thrilled. Uh, I knew that there'd be shock and probably some initial disappointment and all of that. We'd kind of have to work through that together. Uh, the stuff that I was hoping for, but instead he was actually very angry. Um, he initially had the shock, but it, you know, obviously it wasn't happy shock. Um, and then he started to get sarcastic and kind of mean.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  And he initially accused me of getting pregnant on purpose.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  And, uh, well, that made me mad. Um, and I obviously denied that. And then he ended up just turning around and saying that it was all my, this was all my fault. Um, I could have known myself better. I should have been tracking myself better.

• 3:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So bring me to right now. Has the baby been born yet?

• 3:08Speaker 00

  Yes, he's almost a year.

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  Um, he is lovely.

• 3:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  And I brought it up to him like, um, maybe the beginning of the summer. And I had told him that we've had other issues before this, but that like I, when I want to tell him something that's bothering me or that I feel he could know, like that blame now physically sits there and I can physically feel it and it makes me pull back.

• 3:39Dr. John Delony?

  What, what does that mean? You can physically feel it?

• 3:41Speaker 00

  Like it sits in my chest.

• 3:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  Like I physically feel that heaviness and it actually makes me stop.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  And then I don't tell him anything.

• 3:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What, what are some other things besides finding out about the fourth baby? Who, of course, now it's, now she's personified, right? She's this amazing person.

• 4:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:04Dr. John Delony?

  And it's hard, it's easy. Let me say it this way. It's easy to see the joy and amazing human being in front of you, bouncing on your knee that you're holding at night, whatever. And to begin to reverse engineer things that were said in a really heated moment, uh, over a year and a half ago now, like, and through that lens of who would say this about this little, you get what I'm saying?

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, when I brought that up, he, he, he kind of got me and he's like, first thought, like I, I love her so much. He is amazing. Um, I mean, he obviously takes care of her so well. He is a great dad, but also the way that he ended up kind of treating me through the pregnancy, um, he very much pulled back and left me alone.

• 4:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So let's deal with that challenge.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:58Dr. John Delony?

  The underneath, so here's what I want to say. What he said was wrong, stupid, dumb, whatever. Okay. And, and this is a uncomfortable and right?

• 5:08Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:09Dr. John Delony?

  I, I have a, for, I have a lifetime, but especially a professional lifetime of giving people grace in huge emotional moments when they say stupid things. What I want to see, and you can't unsay them and it's not that they go away, but I have said things in big heated emotional situations that I didn't mean, I didn't, I didn't want, they just, I mean, just my body, I, I, I view it as my body exploded. Immature, yes. Wrong, hurtful, yes. Did I mean it? No. Right? And so it's, it's, it's not that there's any past whatsoever. What matters to me is who are you after you say that thing? Right?

• 5:52Dr. John Delony?

  And do you do the work so that never happens again, ever? And like I said, like putting in the work for 10 years now, like I have almost none of those, right? I'm pretty, I'm pretty controlled most of the time, like wherever I happen to be. What? You have four kids. You'll have, you see him being a good dad, but underneath that you'll have this thing called, y'all are married. Where's the fracture there?

• 6:21Dr. John Delony?

  Is it that this thing has been festering for 18 months, for, for two years? And y'all just haven't had it out yet? You haven't cleared the deck because you're, because it's still, it's still in your spirit and you want to just say, I want to work through this thing. You weren't here for me. Um, you left me alone. Is it that you realize, oh, that guy can do that now? Is it this realization that you might be married to somebody different than you? Not that who's going to say something stupid, but he'll go nine months and leave me all alone if he, if he gets in enough of a temper tantrum. Like what is the thing? What's, what's underneath it? Where's that fracture?

• 6:52Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, cause when I brought it up to him at the beginning of the summer, just in like, I feel like I can't actually talk to him, you know, when he said he loves her and everything he did say, he can see like, I still think it's your fault.

• 7:04Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 7:05Speaker 00

  Um, so I mean, we've had, I think partially for him, just based on the fact that our three other kids, we were okay with having them. There's that loss of control.

• 7:22Speaker 00

  That we, we just, I mean, I don't know. So many of our friends have had this happen, but we hadn't. So for him to suddenly be like, I didn't have a say in this, which I mean, I was more okay with it. Like a baby's, a baby's a baby to me, you know?

• 7:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right, right.

• 7:38Speaker 00

  Um,

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  But I, I don't, I don't want to dismiss his, like you're at, you're nonchalant. I don't want to dismiss, it's a big deal for him. But what, what the challenge is that y'all don't have a structure, y'all don't have a place, y'all don't have a, a safe place that's just y'all's, where y'all can say things and even disagree on things. And that's okay. Without it being blame, one loss, I'm over you, you're over me. You know what I'm saying?

• 8:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:04Dr. John Delony?

  Cause there's been, there's this hovering, you did this to us. And it feels like there's been 24 months of trying to reclaim your power position.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  And however that's worked, that exchange of no, this is all you, this is all you. Somebody has to say, I'm not, I'm not against you.

• 8:28Dr. John Delony?

  How do we heal this thing? You hurt me.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:36Dr. John Delony?

  Otherwise it just, it, it will just go like, it will just go back and forth and back and forth forever.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, we've tried to, uh, heal other things and it definitely becomes more of a, uh, like he broke it, but then he expects me to fix it. And he doesn't really want to participate in the fixing of it.

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  So let me ask you this, what are you going to do, Ann? Are you going to leave? Are you thinking about leaving?

• 9:10Speaker 00

  Well, no.

• 9:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Um, but I don't really, no, because just based on past things, he doesn't really get involved, doesn't really want to, I guess, because he doesn't. Um, in trying to actually heal and move on from something. And I don't know, like, how I'm supposed to move on from it if it's just kind of always going to sit there. And then I do wonder, the next thing that happens that he doesn't like, is that going to turn into my fault also?

• 9:55Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. So the...

• 10:02Dr. John Delony?

  I guess I'll say a few things here. The first one is, this is an uncomfortable, frustrating, vulnerable position to find yourself when everybody in any sort of relationship, work, like boss, employee, romantic relationship, kid and parent, any relationship, at the end of the day, when all of the smoke is cleared away, all you can control is you.

• 10:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you're married to a guy who said something pretty awful 24 months ago, and then all but abandoned you during the pregnancy, whatever that means, and you and I could spend a couple of hours digging into what that means, but just went radio silent on you for the duration of a fourth pregnancy.

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  Well, also, as you said, he's a great dad, so he showed up for the other three kids, and he's been good with this new baby who's come, but you felt left on the sidelines.

• 11:04Dr. John Delony?

  If you're saying to yourself, "I'm never gonna leave him. I'm in this thing."

• 11:10Dr. John Delony?

  Then, and I know that he is probably, and I don't want to hang on to that word, not going to...whatever, ever come back and say, "You know what? I screwed that up. You know what? It wasn't your fault. It just happened, and we were both having unprotected sex, and this thing, it happened, and thank God it did, because she's amazing." Right? If you think that's never gonna happen, then every day you wake up, scratching and clawing and fighting for that thing to happen, is a strange choice for you to be miserable in your own skin.

• 11:46Dr. John Delony?

  Because you can't make it happen, and you even said, "I don't think it's ever going to happen." So the question becomes, what must be true for you to show up and become the person you want to be? Joyful, full of laughter, full of whatever?

• 12:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's hard.

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  It's very hard, because that's all you can control.

• 12:11Dr. John Delony?

  Now, what I do want to challenge you on is, and not just you, challenge him, challenge all married couples, is almost always, these conversations start with a goal in mind. "I want to feel better about a thing you did to me." Or, "I want you to do something different."

• 12:30Dr. John Delony?

  And anytime conversations are approached with those two mindsets from the outset, it can only be a won or lost situation.

• 12:41Dr. John Delony?

  The real solution, I mean, "solution" is a bad word. The real healing here is you looking at him, saying, "I want to be married to you, and I'm gonna stay married to you unless you leave me. And since I'm doing that, I want us to build the greatest marriage in the world." What do we want that to look like?

• 13:01Dr. John Delony?

  And part of that conversation will be practical, part of that conversation will be existential. "I want this place to feel a certain way." And some of that will be, "I want to be able to have something happen, and you not blame me for it."

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:20Dr. John Delony?

  That is a us doing a thing together, not a me versus you.

• 13:31Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, it does.

• 13:36Dr. John Delony?

  And there's real, real vulnerability there. Because he might look at you and say, "No, I like things the way they are. I don't want to have another one of your long conversations." And then he goes to the next room and turns the TV on. That could happen.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  But my guess-

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Usually when we've had conversations like that, it doesn't, you know, it ends up being like me talking, and then nothing changes. But I guess it's him.

• 14:03Dr. John Delony?

  The rhythm is, "I kinda like my life. I've gotta weather and storms every once in a while. I'll weather them, and then we'll go back to the way things are."

• 14:17Dr. John Delony?

  Even if the storms get bigger, if they get louder, it doesn't matter. I gotta weather these storms.

• 14:23Dr. John Delony?

  And then both of you, over time, settle for what I think is the worst sentence, not the worst, but one of the worst sentences in the English language, which is, "This is just the way things are."

• 14:37Dr. John Delony?

  I've got a-

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, it'll start to feel that way.

• 14:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And I've got a great buddy, Justin McRoberts, he's a brilliant thinker and writer, but he says, like, "No, that's almost never the case.

• 14:51Dr. John Delony?

  Things are the way y'all decide they're gonna be."

• 14:56Dr. John Delony?

  Which should be, hopefully, is the most empowering thing I could tell anybody, but here, I'm talking to you.

• 15:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so you've already decided, "Yeah, he would want to build something new with me." Being curious about, like, what is it about us? What is it about me that makes it...what about you that makes it so hard for you to accept that sometimes things just happen, and we're gonna roll with it?

• 15:27Dr. John Delony?

  What is it...what's so hard about looking at your wife and saying, "I'm sorry. I was wrong"?

• 15:35Dr. John Delony?

  See the difference? There's a curiosity to that, that's different than, "You never say..." You never, like, one of those is judgment, one of those is curiosity.

• 15:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:46Dr. John Delony?

  You can get off his phone feeling super defeated, like, "Oh, he's not gonna change." Right? Or you could get off saying, "A, I can only be responsible for me. So what must be true?

• 15:57Dr. John Delony?

  Friends, coffee dates, exercise, I'm gonna run a marathon, I'm gonna write a novel, like, whatever, I'm gonna start a garden in the backyard." Like, whatever, you be honest with you about what must be true for you to show up as the person you want to be. "I want to be a person of joy, so when you start, I'm just gonna back away and walk out of the room.

• 16:19Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna engage in the fight, because it's just you're gonna weather my storm, and then I'm gonna feel a little bit better, but then worse, and then tomorrow will be the exact same. I'm gonna break that, I'm gonna break that cycle."

• 16:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, because that's exactly how it goes.

• 16:31Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. So, the only person you can change is you, so when it starts, just stop it.

• 16:40Dr. John Delony?

  And take radical ownership. "I'm about to start one of my and- diatribes. I'm not doing that. I'm gonna go for a walk." And leave off the, because you don't listen to me anyway, leave that part off.

• 16:54Dr. John Delony?

  Go write down what you want to say, and then tear it out and throw it in the trash. Like, get it out of your body. You get what I'm saying? Like-

• 17:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then you start to, over time, become the person you want to be, which is calm, loving, laughter-filled, fun, adventurous. What, I don't know what words you want to describe you, right? I'm giving you all the words I like for me, but my wife's words would be totally different, right? But everyone's got their own things, but what do you, how do you want to enter the world and have you and your husband backed up and said, "Hey, we have a family of six now. The marriage we had does not exist. It is over, and we get to do whatever we want next." Because I promise you, he's not super happy either, is he? Maybe he is.

• 17:39Speaker 00

  No.

• 17:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  No, I finally got him to admit that.

• 17:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  It took a long time.

• 17:44Dr. John Delony?

  So, instead of saying, "What, like, why can't you, and what..." Have y'all had that conversation? Like, "What do you want? What do you want the house to feel like? How do we get there?

• 17:55Dr. John Delony?

  How can I love you?"

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Um, I mean, I've tried, I've tried off and on through the years.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  We'll kind of talk about things that we can each do to change, or like, what I'm looking for, what he's looking for, what we can do to actually follow through on that change. And it, he just doesn't change. Like, he doesn't actually do it. He doesn't do what he says he's gonna do. So then we end up just literally stuck where we've been.

• 18:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, in that scenario, who can you control there?

• 18:28Speaker 00

  Oh, just me.

• 18:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 18:31Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're only doing your part of what you committed to, because he said he would do his part, then yeah, it always, it'll always just stop. One of y'all stops, the other person stops.

• 18:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:44Dr. John Delony?

  But if you say, like, "No, I made this commitment. I'm gonna be a person who keeps my promises to myself."

• 18:54Speaker 00

  It's really hard to do.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

  It's so hard to do.

• 18:56Speaker 00

  It's really hard to do.

• 18:57Dr. John Delony?

  It's so hard to do, especially when it could be so different. When that guy could wake up every day and open his eyes and think, all of my day is about, how can I make her life a little bit better, or a lot better? So that we can both have the house that we want. And he crosses his fingers that you open your eyes with the same exact thought, except towards him. But when you get in a standoff of, what about me? And what about this? And you did this a long time ago, and you never do this in the present. It just gets in that big loop-de-loop-de-loop-de-loop, and it never ends. It takes one, like, a marriage is made up of two people. It takes one person to change a relationship. One person to change, changes the relationship. Thanks for the call, sister.

• 19:40Dr. John Delony?

  We come back, a woman asks how to help her husband see the reality of his struggling business. We'll be right back. One of the most overlooked aspects of women's health is how hormones affect almost everything in their body. Energy, mood, sleep, physical health, and so much more. I talk to women all the time who are dealing with brain fog, sleep issues, mood swings, and they don't know why. That's exactly what Joy and Blokes exists to support. They offer science-backed care to help you feel better and live longer. Joy and Blokes does a comprehensive hormone panel with you, and then you get a real clinician who gets on the phone with you and will walk through every single result and help you

• 20:23Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:08Dr. John Delony?

  Go to joyandblokes.com/deloney to get started. That's J-O-I and B-L-O-K-E-S dot com slash Deloney. Or click the link in the description. All right, we've got less than 90 days until the full weight of the holiday season is upon us. And you know how it goes. Every year, as the calendar starts filling up, you tell yourself, I'm not going to let the holiday madness get to me this year. I'm going to slow down and actually enjoy the holidays. I'm going to actually be present, not just physically in whatever room I happen to find myself in. And then, you're racing around to dinners, parties, kids' activities. It's madness, and you're drained, and the holidays become a burden. I've done the same thing.

• 21:53Dr. John Delony?

  But here's one thing I've learned. One of the best ways you can slow down and work on being present, long before the holiday season hits, is staying grounded in your spiritual life. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and I use it almost every day of my life for that very reason, to ground myself in my spiritual life, in my spiritual practices. Some mornings, it's five minutes on the drive to work. Some nights, it's a sleep prayer before bed. Whatever the moment is, Hallow helps me practice presence. Before the holidays takes everything from us and makes us all super busy, I'm going to stay committed, and I'm going to invite you to stay committed, to practice being present with Hallow.

• 22:37Dr. John Delony?

  You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/deloney. Start now, and Hallow will be free for you to try through the holiday season. That's hallow.com/deloney. All right, let's go to Detroit, Michigan, and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie?

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Hi, how are you?

• 22:59Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, how are you?

• 23:01Speaker 02

  I'm here, I'm, I'm living.

• 23:03Dr. John Delony?

  There we go, there we go. I'm glad you're on this side of the dirt. It's awesome to talk to you.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:08Dr. John Delony?

  How are you? All right, what's going on?

• 23:10Speaker 02

  I'm doing okay.

• 23:11Dr. John Delony?

  I just asked you that question, what's going on?

• 23:12Speaker 02

  Yeah. So I, my husband is a through-and-through entrepreneur, and his business is struggling, and it, it is affecting so much of our marriage. And I, I don't know where to go, or what to say, or what to do.

• 23:37Dr. John Delony?

  When you say struggling, tell me about that word. What does that mean? Paint me a picture.

• 23:45Speaker 02

  So, he, he's been in business for himself for different categories of business. For the last, last 10 years, it's been the same company that he's been doing. And in 10 years, the last six months, he has not paid himself any living wage. It's just enough to get by. Like, we don't, he, I don't count on his income to come home. Everything goes back to the business. Like, everything goes back to the business.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  It, it, it's invasive, it's so invasive to just daily life for me and my son, or him and our son. Yeah, it's just, it's a, it's a struggle.

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  Has it, has it always been a struggle with all of his different businesses? Are you all just in a rough patch?

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Oh, no. He, he has kind of struggled with them from, from the get-go.

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  So he's not, he's not what I would call a true entrepreneur. He's somebody who desperately wants to wear that identity?

• 25:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:01Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 25:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 25:03Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I've known, I've known law enforcement agents of all different, all different, um, different agencies, who they walk in and they've got nothing. They've got no badge out or nothing, and you know, oh, that guy means business. And I can buy a blue and yellow FBI jacket off Amazon today, right? Like, so, like, I'm going to put that on and walk around, that doesn't make me that thing, right?

• 25:28Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  So how long have you all been together? How long have you been married?

• 25:32Speaker 02

  So, we've, we've been friends for, I can't even tell you how long we've been friends for. We've been married for, this is almost 11 years, coming up soon. We were dating for about two years, two, three years before we got married.

• 25:49Dr. John Delony?

  So, have you all sat down and had the, not the business fight, or the money fight, but the, I'm losing my husband and I feel like I'm losing my family discussion?

• 26:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 26:02Dr. John Delony?

  How'd that go?

• 26:03Speaker 02

  Yes. It did not go well.

• 26:05Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 26:06Speaker 02

  It did not go well. Um, I tell him, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm feeling like this is very, you know, just becoming so invasive that I disconnect.

• 26:20Dr. John Delony?

  What, what does invasive mean? That he's always on the phone? He's always got his laptop up? He's always stressed?

• 26:25Speaker 02

  Always on the phone, always stressed, always, like, the only conversation that he has is work. Work, business, work people, like, like his, you know, his life, I don't even know where his life is anymore. It's just work-life.

• 26:46Dr. John Delony?

  And when you said, hey, I miss my husband, what, what did he, what did he say?

• 26:52Speaker 02

  He, he, he thinks that he's making, like, these big improvements, and there are, there are a few improvements in the past 10 years, where maybe he, he can adjust his schedule a little bit more to, to, you know, go get our son from school, or, you know, do a couple things here and there, but it's, I think the, the picture that he sees is, is a much bigger picture than what I feel.

• 27:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I think, I think what would help him out, and would help you out tremendously, would get some, would be you getting some true clarity on what do you want? If you were to give him a map that said, this is the path towards the home I want us to have, what would be on that path? Quit your job? Go take a, go take a quote-unquote, I, I'm saying this jokingly, because I'm 100% commissioned in my job. Like, go get a real job, like, with salary and benefits and, like, vacation. I want you off your phone the moment you walk in the house? And if your business can't survive you having dinner with your family, then it's not much

• 28:06Dr. John Delony?

  of a business. I want the business to be in service to the life that we're building together, not the other way around. And by the way, there's going to be always seasons in every business, whether you're a, like, 1099 employee, or a W2 employee, or you're just a straight-up entrepreneur. You, if you don't, if you don't, if you don't make a sale, you don't eat, right? Every business has seasons, where it's just wild, and it's busy. But it's not life, right? It's part of, it's just winter, right? We put the coats on, and then spring's coming. But that, but what would, what, if you were clear, because I'm, my fear for you is, what you're looking for is you want to feel a certain way.

• 28:48Dr. John Delony?

  And that feeling that you're looking for, if you try to get it first through feeling, it will continue to move the finish line on you. And you'll say, you never pick the kids up from school? And he'll be like, got it. I'm going to pick the kids up from school, our son up twice a week. And he'll do it, he'll do it. He'll figure it out, he'll do it, and he'll get home. And he might be on the phone the whole way in the line, the whole way out the line with the kid in the car, like, whatever. And really, you have to then go, oh, that's not really, I, I actually want you engaged. I want you off your phone. I want to be more important than the next deal you think you're going to make. I'm worried about our bills.

• 29:29Dr. John Delony?

  I want us to bring home X amount of dollars every month, so that I can breathe. But if you're always like, I want to just feel like he likes me, I want to feel like he's a part of this family, that will always be a, and it will be a target that you can never nail down, because it's always going to move on you. Right? So if I, if I was just to, like, cold-call you right now, what do you want? Like, be specific. What would you rattle off the top of your head without thinking too much about it?

• 29:59Speaker 02

  I want to feel important.

• 30:00Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, tell me, what, what does that look like? Paint me a picture, what he would do to make you feel important?

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Just to turn off the phone.

• 30:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, there you go, great.

• 30:13Speaker 02

  That is, that's the biggest thing.

• 30:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  To have a conversation that's not involved with work.

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what would you love to talk to him about?

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Anything, anything, like he, he's, um, he is going through therapy. Finally, in the last six months, that's been helpful. He's, he's ADHD, anxiety, depression, all of those things he's got going on. And he's realizing that he, he doesn't have any hobbies. He doesn't have any, he doesn't know what his interests are. And that's what I want to know.

• 30:55Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't have any joy.

• 30:56Speaker 02

  I want to know who he is.

• 30:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 30:59Speaker 02

  Like to rediscover who he is.

• 31:02Dr. John Delony?

  There you go.

• 31:05Dr. John Delony?

  Would he invite you to therapy with him? If you, I mean, if you asked, would he let you go with it?

• 31:09Speaker 02

  Um, his, his therapist did offer and he said he wasn't ready yet.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  So I said, that was okay.

• 31:16Dr. John Delony?

  So I would circle back to that and say, I'm really proud of you for going. I would love to go with you one day.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:20Dr. John Delony?

  And if you told him what you told me, that, that's just what you just said softened me up.

• 31:28Dr. John Delony?

  Like, I want to rediscover this amazing man I married.

• 31:35Dr. John Delony?

  Cause, cause, man, listen, he could be a total jerk, a total business first, family second. I know those guys. I speak to those guys all over the country. I, those guys come to my house as their marriages are blowing up and stay at my house. I get it. And

• 31:50Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:51Dr. John Delony?

  I talked to way, way, way more men who feel completely trapped. They, they feel like a failure at home. They feel like a failure with their kids. They feel like a failure at their job and their job as a metric, which is how many dollars are you making? And it's never enough for them, for their employees, for their people, for their, for taxes, right? And so

• 32:12Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:13Dr. John Delony?

  They live in a failure factory.

• 32:17Dr. John Delony?

  And the only, I'll tell you, for me, the only tool I knew was a gas pedal. Hit it harder.

• 32:26Dr. John Delony?

  Get more jobs, more deals, more things, more business, more this. And I, that's the only thing I knew to do to help my family.

• 32:36Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 32:36Dr. John Delony?

  And then it becomes a very tight, uh, racetrack that I'm zooming around, but it's actually a spiral down to the bottom, right?

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. I feel like that, that's where he is.

• 32:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  From, from my perspective.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  Do you think he, does, does this man love you?

• 32:56Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 32:57Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  I think he does.

• 32:58Dr. John Delony?

  You think he does? Or do you, you know, this man loves me?

• 33:02Speaker 02

  He, he loves me.

• 33:04Dr. John Delony?

  Does he love your son?

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Oh, more than anything.

• 33:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 33:12Dr. John Delony?

  I, I heard this, um, I think it was Alex Hermosy the other day said this, and it really like was a light bulb moment for me. So much so that I texted my own wife. And man, this could, can, can get over dramatic and overplayed, but man, it was really powerful to me. But he said,

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  "A man's capacity is his wife's belief in him."

• 33:38Dr. John Delony?

  You believe in him.

• 33:40Dr. John Delony?

  And if you believe in him as, as a lover, as a husband, as a best friend, that you're desperate to get to know all over again, who you know is hurting from a bunch of different angles and his only solution that he thinks he's protecting you by walling you off and keeping you out? And you want to know him?

• 33:59Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but you don't believe in him and his business acumen? Those are two different things, right? A lot of, a lot of folks get those mixed up. Dude, I got a lot of friends that are the best guys, ride or die, and they are awful at business. I wouldn't hire them. You know what I mean? So

• 34:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 34:13Dr. John Delony?

  But that's hard. But like, if you're honest about, here's the places I believe in him, and I can look him in the eye and hold his face and say, I believe in you. I believe you're a good husband. But I want you to know that like, I'm, you get what I'm saying? I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm wondering if the path forward here, and I could be way off base, is from the inside out, from his spirit out to the business, not all the business problems back inside the middle of his chest where you really want to be.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 34:45Dr. John Delony?

  But all of that, I think, starts with you being as honest with him as you just were with me. Cause what you said to me was really powerful. I want you to put your phone away. I just want to talk to you because we're friends.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

  I want to get to know you and I want you to want to get to know me. I'm your wife, for God's sakes.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:04Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And like, make no mistake, okay?

• 35:10Dr. John Delony?

  This is really a scary, vulnerable exchange. Cause he might look at you and say, I don't want to get to know you.

• 35:19Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 35:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:22Dr. John Delony?

  My challenge before you, before him, before anybody who's in a romantic relationship is

• 35:30Dr. John Delony?

  that's the greatest risk a person could take. You want to be a, like, Arthur Brooks talks about this. You want to be an entrepreneur? Open your heart up. That's the biggest risk with the biggest return on it possible.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:45Dr. John Delony?

  But when it, I mean, you can, I've, I've sat with business owners and said, like, here's the numbers. You don't have a business, you have a hobby and this hobby's killing you. I've sat with, talked to, I can't even count the number of business owners I've talked to who always have a scheme, a deal of this. If this, if this next thing, next thing just hits, then we'll all get to. And it's tough to get people out of that mindset, especially when they've identified themselves by the, by the badge they put on their chest that says entrepreneur. This is what, this is who I am. I would challenge him if he was to call me and say, no, no, no, you're, you're a husband. And you're a dad.

• 36:21Dr. John Delony?

  And the job you have taken on that supports those two main roles is one where you're in business for yourself. How's that working out for you?

• 36:31Dr. John Delony?

  That's really hard to hear from a wife who's heartbroken and sad.

• 36:36Dr. John Delony?

  Path forward for, for, for you right now is be very clear about what you want. Specific tactical things you'd want him to do. And be very clear about being open to, how can I love you well?

• 36:50Dr. John Delony?

  What are some specific things I could do for you?

• 36:54Dr. John Delony?

  And with those things in mind, then what must be true about work? And then what must be true about our finances? Who do we want to be?

• 37:06Dr. John Delony?

  And I think it's great that he's going to counseling. I think it would be even greater if you continue to say, hey, I'm really interested in getting to know you because I love you and I want to get to, I want to re-know you. You're a different man than the guy I married a decade ago. I want to get to know this guy. And I would love to come to your counseling session if you would have me.

• 37:28Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate this for both of y'all, because I can hear him struggling. I can hear you struggling.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  SaaS, don't give up on him and don't give up on you. Thanks for the call. We come back, a man asks how he can forgive his wife after her affair so they can co-parent well after the divorce. We'll be right back.

• 37:50Dr. John Delony?

  Here's something I've learned over the years, sitting with young men who are struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, or other destructive behaviors. One 50-minute session a week might not be enough to turn things around and to help facilitate major change. This is where Capstone Wellness can help. To make real progress in practice, actually living differently, sometimes young men need a totally new environment. Capstone Treatment Center is a long-term residential program for struggling young men ages 14 to 28. It's a structured environment with trained licensed clinicians and healing at Capstone isn't something that just happens in a room. It's woven into every part of every day. And it's not what you would call a traditional sit around and talk program.

• 38:35Dr. John Delony?

  It's action oriented. They let young men practice the weight of responsibility and care. One way they do this, and I love this, every young man is paired with a Labrador Retriever puppy. Being responsible for something that needs you and loves you unconditionally, every day is healing as a daily practice. And when the young man graduates, the dog goes home with him and his family. Listen, I trust Capstone. If my own son needed this level of care, Capstone would be my first call. Learn more at capstonewellness.com/daloni. That's capstonewellness.com/daloni.

• 39:10Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Brady. Hey Brady, what's up, man?

• 39:15Speaker 03

  How's it going?

• 39:16Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, man. How are you?

• 39:18Speaker 03

  I'm doing pretty good.

• 39:20Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent. What's going on?

• 39:22Speaker 03

  So you talked to my wife, Emily, a couple of weeks ago about an affair that she had and how I wanted divorce and stuff. But the divorce proceedings and everything, you know, they take time.

• 39:32Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, hey, slow down, slow down, slow down, hold on. So I've, I've talked to your wife before?

• 39:37Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 39:38Speaker 03

  Well, like two or three weeks ago.

• 39:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, the, the, when you first said, you talked to my wife, I was like, my first thought was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  No, no, not like that.

• 39:48Dr. John Delony?

  So she called, she called into the show?

• 39:51Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 39:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And what was the call about? She had an affair?

• 39:54Speaker 03

  Oh yeah, she had an affair and everything.

• 39:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And what?

• 39:58Speaker 03

  I was in the, I was over the road trucking, came home and there was a guy here.

• 40:01Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, okay. And so what was the consensus of the call?

• 40:05Speaker 03

  Um, basically to allow me to get a divorce and, um, something about three months, but I really wasn't listening to her. I mean, I can barely stand to look at her. I'm going to be real.

• 40:15Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I, I, it's coming back to me slowly. You were an over the road trucker. You were gone a lot, providing for your family and she hooked up, it was a neighbor, is that right?

• 40:26Speaker 03

  No, one of her high school friends.

• 40:27Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Um, and you wanted, you said, I'm out. And she wanted to work on it, is that right?

• 40:36Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 40:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, so now I'm up to speed. How can I help you, brother?

• 40:41Speaker 03

  All right, you ready for this one?

• 40:42Dr. John Delony?

  Bring it.

• 40:44Speaker 03

  How do you forgive your spouse when you, uh, have kids together? I mean, on all honesty, like she took the kids down to, uh, she took them out of state. She's down in Arizona somewhere. I'm not going to say where. But, uh, it's just hard because now it's like, we don't have the court orders or anything with custody time. And I mean, I'm not really, I'm getting tonight access. So my question is, how do I forgive her so I can be cordial with her? So I can have that relationship with my kids? Cause first and foremost, I'm always a dad.

• 41:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 41:18Dr. John Delony?

  Several, several big issue, big ticket issues here, okay?

• 41:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:23Dr. John Delony?

  Um, big ticket issue number one, if she has taken your kids from you, then that could be kidnapping.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  I not seeing, that's where it's so little backstory really quick.

• 41:35Dr. John Delony?

  You can't just take kids out of the state.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  She's a stay at home mom.

• 41:39Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  And she had nowhere to go here. So I know me allowing her to move down to Arizona to be with her parents.

• 41:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 41:46Speaker 03

  Was the best place for my kids other than with me and the way that we were communicating after the affair was not healthy for anyone.

• 41:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  Including in front of the kids.

• 41:59Dr. John Delony?

  So you have signed off on her taking the kids into a more stable situation. You're an over the road trucker. So you're gone a lot and.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  I'm local now.

• 42:07Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You're local because my first thought would have been, well, she needs to go get a job, three jobs and get a one bedroom apartment for everybody.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  Right?

• 42:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. But you signed off, said, okay, you can go halfway across the country to stay with her parents. That's going to be a better situation for them in the short term. Right?

• 42:24Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 42:24Dr. John Delony?

  And then y'all are gonna take however long your state takes to navigate the divorce proceedings. So you filed and you're going through with it?

• 42:33Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 42:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:34Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 42:35Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  That's a red line, dude.

• 42:36Dr. John Delony?

  You're like, oh, yeah. All right. So, um, here's a crazy concept I want to throw at you. Okay?

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 42:44Dr. John Delony?

  Forgiveness is for you, not for her.

• 42:50Dr. John Delony?

  Forgiveness, think of, think of what she did as handing you an oil drum

• 42:59Dr. John Delony?

  of, of, of cement.

• 43:03Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  She blew your life up, brother.

• 43:06Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:06Dr. John Delony?

  And she probably, she pro, well, I'll just leave it at that. And so, so, and so doing, she handed you a big oil drum of cement.

• 43:18Dr. John Delony?

  And said, you carry this now.

• 43:21Dr. John Delony?

  Forgiveness is you setting that down and saying, I'm not carrying you, what you did to me anymore. I gotta deal with it.

• 43:31Dr. John Delony?

  But if every day I open my eyes and all I feel is rage and anger, and every time I walk by my kids' empty bedrooms, I want to punch holes in the sheetrock.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  Then what you're, you might as well be waking up every morning and looking at a picture of her and saying, you know what? I'm going to let you ruin my day today.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  Forgiveness says, I'm not carrying your stuff anymore. I'm setting it down. And I've got to go do the work to clean up my household, to clean up my mental and emotional health, to clean up my emotional maturity. Like I gotta do, go do work, a bunch of work because you blew this thing up. But the last thing I'm going to do while I'm re, like trying to go through all the rubble that was in my former house is have you stand in the street and tell me I'm doing it wrong.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  You don't get to speak into the cleanup here.

• 44:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:26Dr. John Delony?

  It's that old AA saying, you wake up every morning and you drink a glass, a tall glass of poison, hoping that she gets sick.

• 44:34Speaker 03

  No, I, I do want the best for her because I know if she thrives, then the boys thrive. If that makes sense.

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. And I also know that when you, when you say that out loud, that's the right thing to say. It is. And it also makes you feel weak in your chest. Fair?

• 44:54Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 44:58Dr. John Delony?

  A masculine response here is holding that tension without going over the edge.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:05Dr. John Delony?

  It is. I feel like I want.

• 45:06Speaker 03

  Wake up and you walk by the rooms and they're empty.

• 45:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 45:09Speaker 03

  And it's the house is just quiet.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. And it should not be that way.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  No.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  It shouldn't.

• 45:18Speaker 03

  For now.

• 45:19Dr. John Delony?

  And so the question before you is, when you wake up, what are you going to do with that? When you walk by their room. No, I'm, I'm, I'm saying, when you walk by their room, I'm, I'm bringing this really practical, man. When you walk by their room, do you go right to, I can't believe, and you go back to imagining her with this other guy, all that? Do you do that? Or can you just put your forehead on their door frame and whisper a quick prayer for them? Hope you have a great day today.

• 45:47Speaker 03

  I should try that.

• 45:48Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 45:48Speaker 03

  Usually I walk by the room and it just, it just flashes everything back and it's just like,

• 45:54Speaker 03

  yeah, words that aren't appropriate.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  Of course, of course. And that's you just taking shot, like a shot after shot after shot of poison.

• 46:04Dr. John Delony?

  Because the other greatest gift your kids could have is a regulated dad.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 46:11Dr. John Delony?

  Who picks up the shovel and starts cleaning up the mess that mom made.

• 46:18Dr. John Delony?

  And then when it comes to court, I'm going to fight like bloody hell for my children.

• 46:22Speaker 03

  Oh, absolutely, bud.

• 46:24Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 46:26Dr. John Delony?

  But they're, they're, they're,

• 46:31Dr. John Delony?

  trying to think of a non-dorky way to say it.

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  There's something that feels emasculating about just being freaking sad for a bit.

• 46:45Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. I was on Father's Day when I found out.

• 46:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And you should be sad on any given Tuesday when you walk by and you kind of have forgotten. And you open the door and the house is silent.

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  Let yourself weep, brother. Your kids aren't at your house, man. Your marriage is over.

• 47:06Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 47:06Dr. John Delony?

  Grief is not emasculating. Grief is right.

• 47:13Dr. John Delony?

  And on the other side of that, as you travel that harrowing hell that is grief, that is the family you had, the picture you had of what this thing was going to look like in five years and 10 years and 20 years, it's gone. It's over. As you travel through that, you begin to say, okay, what's the thing I can do right now? I can go for a jog.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Now, that was the hard part, like me deciding to move forward with the divorce.

• 47:37Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  It wasn't like not forgetting what she did. It was, I had to grieve the life that we built, the life that we talked about and everything, like, and that was like the hardest process. I was like, I'm not gonna lie, the first like two weeks I was back and forth, like,

• 47:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Mentally, like I was like, I woke up and I was like, you know what? We're getting a divorce today. And then the next day, like I'd go to bed, I'd go to, I was mad and I'd go to bed pissed off, hating the world, wanting to light it on fire.

• 48:06Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 48:07Speaker 03

  And I'd wake up and it'd be like, all right, maybe we can make this work. But then it was just.

• 48:10Dr. John Delony?

  That's grief.

• 48:12Speaker 03

  It was just, it's not going to work.

• 48:14Dr. John Delony?

  It's grief.

• 48:15Speaker 03

  Even after I caught her, she continued.

• 48:18Dr. John Delony?

  So here's the thing. Grief, you're not in the past tense yet, brother.

• 48:25Dr. John Delony?

  You got a ways to go.

• 48:27Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so not rushing it, not trying to flex through it, but also not laying down before it. It's a tension.

• 48:37Dr. John Delony?

  What are three or four things you can say, I'm Brady, I will keep my promises to myself. When I think of my kids, I'm going to write them a quick postcard and just drop it in the mail. I'm going to go buy 50 postcards off of Amazon or that's too much money. I'm going to go buy a spiral notebook and draw one silly stick figure, put it in the mail and mail it to them. Every time I think about it.

• 48:55Speaker 03

  Actually did that at Office Max the other day, bud.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  Amazing. Good. So I'm, I'm going to give myself a routine. And if you will stick to this thing for 30 days, for 60 days, what you'll do over time is you change your default setting to every time you think about your kids, you don't think about the big hole in your chest right now, you smile, your shoulders drop.

• 49:15Dr. John Delony?

  Because your body's got an action that it takes after it has that thought. It doesn't go back to, I can't believe she did and what did it look like and who's this guy? And like it, it just, that's, forgiveness is, I'm going to set that oil drum of concrete down. Because I'm the one that, it's my back that hurts. It's my shoulders that hurt.

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  And of course she's got her own, but she picked hers up, right?

• 49:38Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 49:43Dr. John Delony?

  But forgiveness is, I, I'm not carrying this anymore.

• 49:47Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm going to treat you with dignity and respect because you, not because, not because you technically deserve, well, I think every human deserves it, but, but because you're the mother of my, my kids. And I'm going to treat the mother of my children with dignity and respect because that's the kind of man I want to show up in the world as. And that doesn't mean you don't get in the car and bang on the steering wheel and turn the music up too loud and get angry. Like that's life. But it is, I will, who do I want to be? I want to show up in the world as who?

• 50:18Speaker 03

  Yep. The provider.

• 50:20Dr. John Delony?

  And it's.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  Stability, freedom.

• 50:23Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. And that's hard.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  I don't envy you, man. No offense, but I wouldn't trade places with you.

• 50:34Speaker 03

  I don't envy anyone that goes through this, man.

• 50:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, it's a nightmare.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  It's brutal. It's round two. There won't be a third.

• 50:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 50:44Dr. John Delony?

  And grief will continue for a season.

• 50:47Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 50:48Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  I do appreciate you taking my call.

• 50:50Dr. John Delony?

  If you ever meet somebody and y'all go out, your every alarm will go off.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  Everyone, every alarm you have. And so being honest about, I'm a little overzealous with phones. I'm a little overzealous with connection, checking in, because somebody blew my life up once. Right? It's just, I'm, I am, this is, this is my new world for a season.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:17Dr. John Delony?

  But that's for future you. Right now, man, we're getting, it's, I wish I had a different word, but you're in the grind season. It hurts, it sucks, it's a bummer. You changed your shift so you could be at home just in time for your kids to leave the state, right? Like, the whole thing.

• 51:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I changed my shift before I even found out. And the day that I called the teller was basically the day I found out. And I was just like, damn.

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and, and, and so what are you gonna do in the evenings with that time off? You gonna sit on the couch and scroll TikTok? Are you gonna go join a softball league?

• 51:49Speaker 03

  Oh, no, bud.

• 51:50Dr. John Delony?

  What are you doing?

• 51:50Speaker 03

  Always kickboxing.

• 51:52Dr. John Delony?

  Done.

• 51:52Speaker 03

  It's martial arts, dude.

• 51:53Dr. John Delony?

  Great. Get a, sign up for a local, uh, competition. Get out there, keep having fun, right?

• 52:02Dr. John Delony?

  Go, go out with the guys afterwards, right? Go out, go out with the guys, y'all go be silly, go be, go be ridiculous, go laugh, go to an arcade. Like, I'm just thinking of stupid stuff to do, but like, begin to ask yourself, okay, this is my new life. What do I, since I'm the only driver now, because my wife got out of the car. What do I want this one life I got, what do I want it to look like right now? Not forever and ever amen, but for right now, in this season, what do I want it to look like? Because I'm driving. I'm gonna go to kickboxing, I'm gonna go to MMA, I'm gonna go to jujitsu, and I'm gonna burn off that energy, I'm gonna get in shape, I'm gonna feel good about myself, I'm gonna meet brand new people, I'm gonna make friends. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be awesome.

• 52:43Dr. John Delony?

  But man, it's a slow, day-by-day grind to not give in to rage, to not give in to anger, and to forgive. Forgiveness is for you. Give yourself that gift, man. Thanks for calling, homie. We'll be right back.

• 53:00Dr. John Delony?

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• 53:40Dr. John Delony?

  They've already removed my information from thousands of sites, and they keep monitoring so my personal information isn't floating around out there everywhere for scammers to continue to grab. Listen, AI is changing the game. Delete Me, make sure you're not an easy target. Click the link in the description or go to joindelete.me.com/deloney to get 20% off an annual plan. That's J-O-I-N. Joindelete.me.com/deloney.

• 54:09Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Kelly, let's talk. How are you?

• 54:12Speaker 04

  Good, how are you?

• 54:13Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Can I tell you something?

• 54:15Speaker 04

  I have a feeling you're going to.

• 54:16Dr. John Delony?

  Last night, I feel like the new segment at the end of the show is Deloney's Concert Reviews. Social Distortion came to town.

• 54:25Speaker 04

  Oh, that's right, last night was the show.

• 54:26Dr. John Delony?

  They're my number one of all time ever.

• 54:28Speaker 04

  Just so everybody knows, we had a really long day yesterday. Um, it was a lot of each other.

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  A lot.

• 54:34Speaker 04

  A lot. We had a brainstorm meeting for the show that was four hours, and then we went straight into a three-and-a-half-hour audiobook recording. And it was a very long, like, taxing, mentally taxing day.

• 54:45Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it was awesome. At the end of the day, we, we happened to walk by each other in the hall, and you just were like, don't speak, don't say a word.

• 54:50Speaker 04

  I just put my hand up, I was like, no.

• 54:51Dr. John Delony?

  I can't hear your voice. I don't want to see your face. It was awesome.

• 54:54Speaker 04

  So I said last, before we left yesterday, I was like, John is earning this concert, so tell me about it.

• 54:59Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, it was, they just showed up to Nashville, man, and they're in their 60s. And I tell you what, they ripped. It was incredible. It was incredible. And my favorite thing was, in a roundabout way, I'm not, I'm not happy that this happened, but he was the lead singer who's literally the coolest guy.

• 55:17Speaker 04

  By the way, I don't know, did you, I don't think you said this was Social Distortion.

• 55:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I did, yes. And they're my number one of all time, favorite band ever. But Mike Ness is, like, if you just look up cool anywhere, it's that guy. He's just cool. I can't describe, he came out in white pants and like a black shirt with a deep V like you usually have, gold chains, tattoos all over. He's 60-something, and he just ripped.

• 55:39Speaker 04

  Now you know where I get my style from.

• 55:40Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know.

• 55:41Speaker 04

  I had on white pants yesterday.

• 55:42Dr. John Delony?

  You were rocking them. I own zero pair of white pants, and...

• 55:46Speaker 04

  And we should probably keep it that way.

• 55:47Dr. John Delony?

  We're gonna keep it that way.

• 55:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:49Dr. John Delony?

  But he said after the first song, "I just woke up at seven, I've been really sick, but old punks don't cancel shows at seven o'clock, so I'm gonna need y'all to sing with me in Nashville." And it was a choir service last night.

• 56:00Speaker 04

  So next time you tell me you're sick and canceling a show, I'm using that.

• 56:04Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you just get to answer the calls then. Awesome. But dude, it crushed. It crushed.

• 56:10Speaker 04

  How were the Descendants?

• 56:11Dr. John Delony?

  Do what?

• 56:11Speaker 04

  How were the Descendants?

• 56:12Dr. John Delony?

  Descendants were also incredible. They played 45 minutes and probably paid, played 98 songs, because their songs are like 16 seconds. And there's a few songs that are long. I will say, a couple of times I was joking with the guy, I went with Pete Young and my buddy, he's a local comic, Connor Larson, we all went, it was a blast. Pete is still my, we're too old to be in the mosh pit, but we're here, buddy.

• 56:37Speaker 04

  And Pete keeps getting, I mean, Pete is constantly getting hurt, it seems, so...

• 56:40Dr. John Delony?

  He's the best, he's the best. But, um, he's the one guy I can count on. You wanna go get wild? He's like, let's get wild. But, oh, oh, I kept my streak. I have 100% streak, by the way.

• 56:52Speaker 04

  You did your mile today?

• 56:54Dr. John Delony?

  I do my, I, I've kept that going. That's great.

• 56:56Speaker 04

  Oh, God, what streak are we talking about?

• 56:57Dr. John Delony?

  My more important streak. 100% since I started this job. Every mosh pit I've been in, in Nashville, Tennessee, somebody has been like, "Are you the guy on that show?" And I'm like, "Yes, I am." And they're like, "You're for real?" And I guess they're, like, people, the, the internets are so inauthentic that people think this is like a shtick, like, that we got in a room and planned, like, "Hey, have this vibe." And it's like, nope, I'm way too old to be in mosh pits, but that's where we are. But it, it made me smile last night. The Descendants, though, they crushed. They are wild because every time I've seen them the last few years, I've seen them a few times, they turn all the house lights on. They have no backdrop, they have no cool laser lights or whatever.

• 57:42Dr. John Delony?

  They just turn the lights on. And it's like watching a high school band in a cafeteria. It's super awkward, but they just get up and rip, and they're in their 60s.

• 57:51Speaker 04

  I mean, that's the joy of like a concert, it's like, you just get to dance and be stupid because it's dark.

• 57:55Dr. John Delony?

  You're crashing into people and not, it's not dark, and you're like, sorry, sorry, sorry. Like, yeah, everybody's just ramming into each other, and you're like, my bad, ouch, oh, that hurt. Like, when it's in the dark, it's awesome. But not them, but dude, they, they, they were great also. So it was a good night, all the way around. I am way too old for this, man, but I'm gonna keep going till the old BODY says, "No more." We're getting close, we're knocking on the door. I'm just gonna be one of those old guys in the back that nods a lot, but not yet, not yet. So, there you go, there's Deloney Concert Review.

• 58:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm glad you had fun, because I know you were really, really, really looking forward to this one.

• 58:31Dr. John Delony?

  I needed it. I didn't realize I needed it, but I needed it. And, and I gotta say this, I needed to spend time with my friends, just...

• 58:38Speaker 04

  Spent too much time with me?

• 58:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yes. And, and I love my wife more than life itself. But we've spent a lot of time together recently, and with my kids. Like, there was fun just to meet dudes and say, "How's your family?" We talked about gardening, all three of us liked to garden. I mean, stuff that 18-year-old me would have fought me over. It was cool just to hang out with dudes.

• 58:57Speaker 04

  Pete has an amazing garden.

• 58:58Dr. John Delony?

  It's unbelievable, yeah. And Connor's got an astounding garden, too. It's just cool to go hang out with.

• 59:04Speaker 04

  You are so lame.

• 59:04Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, dude, I'm the lamest. Yeah. Let me run that one back to 19-year-old me. So we're gonna go get burgers at an upscale restaurant, and, um, then, uh, talk about...

• 59:14Speaker 04

  You're gonna pay $30 for a burger and talk about gardening?

• 59:17Dr. John Delony?

  Talk about gardening, and then we're gonna go kick ass. It's so stupid. We're idiots. But dude, it was awesome. It was awesome. Listen, if you're listening to this, wherever you find yourself, go to the show. Go to the show. Go to the comedy set, go to the movie. Go hang out with your friends, go do fun stuff with your life. That's what I got. You want me to talk about this weekly rundown?

• 59:41Speaker 04

  If you want to. I don't think anybody's listening anymore, though.

• 59:43Dr. John Delony?

  They're not. Let's save it for the next show.

• 59:45Speaker 04

  Sounds good.

• 59:46Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Love you guys. Bye.