229: Stop Asking "Why Don't They Want Me?"

Why do I keep choosing the wrong people? Why can't I let go of someone who won't choose me? If you're stuck asking "why," this episode is for you. Sabrina breaks down why self-awareness alone won't heal anxious attachment, how childhood patterns follow you into dating and relationships, and what Mary Ainsworth's Strange Situation study shows about anxious and avoidant attachment: avoidants feel the panic too, they just hide it. She also reads from Chapter 4 of her new book, Why Am I Like This?, about a dating story that taught her what self-abandonment really looks like. Learn the better questions to ask yourself, how nervous system regulation changes the story you tell yourself, and how to stop people pleasing and start choosing you. Come see me on tour! https://sabrinazohar.com/tour Pre-order Sabrina's book coming out October 2026,⁠⁠ "Why Am I Like This?"⁠⁠ Get your free workbook and access to the companion course after pre-ordering 'Why Am I Like This?' by filling out the form at the bottom of the page at ⁠http://sabrinazohar.com/book⁠ Take the new and improved dating quiz! ⁠sabrinazohar.com/quiz⁠ If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Product of the week! https://amzn.to/4v1eHWj Get Ad free ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Watch on Spotify. Spotify subscribers get fewer ads on my video. Want to work with Sabrina? ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show ⁠⁠HERE!⁠⁠ Don't forget to follow ⁠⁠Sabrina⁠⁠ and ⁠⁠The Sabrina Zohar Show⁠⁠ on Instagram and ⁠⁠Sabrina ⁠⁠on TikTok! Video now available on ⁠⁠YOUTUBE!⁠⁠ Chapters: 00:00 Stop Asking Why: Ask Better Questions 04:03 Why Self-Awareness Isn't Enough 07:06 How to Trust Yourself and Choose You 09:41 The Strange Situation Attachment Study 13:10 Family Patterns and Outgrowing People 16:04 Feeling Insecure? Stop Being Perfect 18:37 Childhood Trauma and Anxious Attachment 21:42 Abandoning Yourself to Get Chosen 25:09 Self-Abandonment Is a Trauma Response 28:41 Third-Person Self-Talk Stops Rumination Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer. Until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Why don't they want me? Why do I keep doing this? Why didn't they choose me? Why don't they call me? You're asking the wrong questions here. Because it's not really about the why. It's about so much more. I used to ask myself all the time, like, why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Will anybody ever love me? And I wasn't really understanding that the questions I was asking were leading me further into a hole that I couldn't get myself out of. It's so funny. I saw somebody on threads the other day say, "The avoidant is why I have anxious attachment style." And I said, "No, baby. You're with the avoidant because of your anxious attachment style." Right? Like, I can pin that back. And I think what we automatically do is we give away our power by trying to understand the why behind everything.

• 1:13Sabrina Zohar?

  What we're saying is, "I'm so uncomfortable with what I'm feeling. I need to understand what everybody else is doing." Because our brain, remember, is a predictive machine. Your brain is here to keep you safe. It is not here to help you grow. Which is why your brain and your mind are two separate things. Your brain is the chunk of fucking meatball in your head. As Dr. Chris Lee always says, "The spicy meatball in your head." And your mind are the thoughts and the things that we do to challenge. But we can't just rely on our brain. And you guys had asked quite a few questions. And I started to notice the theme. Now, again, if you guys want to ask questions, it's the Instagram, @TheSabrinaZoharShow. I do a question box. Or you can write into [email protected]. Send them to me. That way, we can make our episodes even juicier and meatier. And I can meet you guys where you're at.

• 1:57Sabrina Zohar?

  And I want to preface that we are going to be expanding. We are not just going to be talking about dating and relationships every fucking time, because there's so much more to life. So I'm so excited to expand with you guys. But something that I saw was a lot of why questions. Why do I severely put partners on a pedestal despite years of therapy? Why am I so defensive in every situation? And apologize for even nothing? Why can't I let go of hope with someone who likes me but won't choose me? What do you notice? Right? Why do I keep choosing the wrong ones, even though a part of them cared and still left? A lot of my babes are stuck in intellectualizing instead of feeling. There were so many of, "Why this? Why this? Why this?" You know what I'd rather you start to ask? Where did I learn this from? What am I scared of happening? What does this mean about me?

• 2:41Sabrina Zohar?

  I'll never forget when my ex and I broke up, the biggie in the book that I wrote. Would you know what? Before I get into that, hello, hello, hello. And welcome to another episode of The Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. We're four days. We are four fucking days away from this baby being in your hands, being in your mailbox, being sent to you October 13th. Now is the time. You've got four days left to preorder this book. Help me get that motherfucking New York Times list. And I get it, some of you guys are like, "Why does the list matter?" It does. It matters so heavily to someone like me, who is getting disowned for writing this book. It matters to get my name out there, to have credibility. I don't have, I'm not licensed as a therapist. I don't have letters before and after my name. And so getting this, it would literally mean the world. So please, you get a free course and workbook

• 3:26Sabrina Zohar?

  at SabrinaZohar.com/book when you preorder. And by the time you guys listen to this, you would have already come to see me in London. And you're going to see me in San Diego, October 27th. But I'm so grateful and excited, you guys. I can't believe it. I've been writing this book for two and a half years. So it's pretty crazy. And we're changing some stuff. So I won't be working one-on-one as much with folks. I will be changing a lot. We're starting an entire new course. We have Sabrina AI coming, so that you guys can stop asking fucking ChatGPT bullshit and start to at least ask something that I am monitoring and that I'm in control of. And I'm just excited to grow the community, because you guys are the reason I get up every day. I know that sounds really dark, but it's true. I don't know where I'd be right now. I thought about that the other day. Where would I be if I wasn't in this position? And I genuinely don't know. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't meet Ryan.

• 4:11Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't know what would have happened if I didn't take the risk on myself and start creating content. And I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find myself with you guys. So, thank you. Don't forget to rate and review the show. If you are new here, please subscribe so that you don't miss an episode. And that way, we can keep this gravy train running. And comment, leave a review anywhere you're listening. They help more than you will ever know. And share it with a friend, put it in your Facebook groups. It helps so much. All right, babe. So, like I was saying, when I was in the midst of my breakup, and that's the biggie breakup. We have the, uh, what my three biggest heartbreaks taught me episode. It was in like the 190s. And then the big breakup I talk about in the book. And this whole episode, we're really talking about, like, why am I like this? I'm not giving away a ton from the book. I'm actually going to talk about some new studies and things that I've learned since I wrote this.

• 4:56Sabrina Zohar?

  But I really wanted to kick this off and share with you guys so much more. And I hope that this is a space where I can. Right? Like, I know that, you know, I speak fast. I curse a lot. I have ADHD. Like, I am a different type of person. And I'm so okay if that doesn't work for you. But I really, really want to be able to step in my power and not be so ashamed of who I am and be excited about who I'm becoming. And so I'm just so grateful for you guys giving me that space. But I remember when I was going through the breakup, I'll never forget my friend, Michonne, saying, and she's just this beautiful, stunning woman. I mean, this is one of the most secure women I think I've ever met. Like, genuinely secure. Like, the type of people that you're like, "Oh, wow. Okay, so you do exist. Unicorns exist." And she said, "You're so self-aware. Now, what are you going to do with it?" And I remember just being like, "Wait, what are you talking about?" I thought that was the point of this, was like, to be self-aware,

• 5:40Sabrina Zohar?

  to just understand why I do things. But understanding why you do something is very different than implementing and actually doing something about it. Which is, again, why I hate if you wanted to. If you would, but that's like for a whole nother conversation. But I remember when my ex and I broke up, and I was in therapy, and I just kept saying, "What is wrong with me?" I used to find myself asking, "Why would they do this? And why did they treat me like that? And why did they hurt me?" Until I realized, "I'm not going to understand that, because I'm not that type of person. I don't hurt people. I don't do things to intentionally cause pain. And the best thing that has ever happened to me was that I wouldn't understand why they did that, because that means so much more about me and so much less about who the fuck that person actually is." And I was so stuck on that until I started to realize, you know what didn't matter? Why they were doing it. You know what matters? What it meant about me. What this brought out about me.

• 6:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And it doesn't matter if you're single or in your relationship, you're married. It really doesn't matter where you are in the spectrum. Because all of us consistently ask. Right? I even have people like, "But I don't get it. Why'd they break up with me if they care about me?" It's like, well, we can hold two conflicting thoughts. You can think someone is the bee's knees and the most amazing person you've ever met, and still acknowledge that they're not right for you. That this is a person that you don't actually want to build a future with. Or, you know, like, I think we've lost the art of holding that nuance of saying, like, I have a lot of people in my life that I think are absolutely incredible, but I also know that, like, I don't need them further into my life. Right? I don't need them to be my best friend. I'm happy with an acquaintance. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. But I just acknowledge that we see things differently or that we want different things, or that we operate differently. Or maybe I just don't feel as comfortable around certain people. And it's not their fault.

• 7:09Sabrina Zohar?

  That could also just mean that, like, they operate differently. I think asking us why, why, why? I mean, listen, here's the thing. I can tell you why. I can tell you why you do the things you do. When you read this fucking book, you'll understand all the whys. That's the first half of the book. You know where the second half is? What the fuck are you going to do with it now? All of the understandings of, like, here are the tools. Because just reading the book on its own isn't going to change your life. It's what you do with it. It's what you implement. It's the tools that you utilize. That is what will change your fucking life. You don't need more content. You don't need another podcast. You don't need another book. You don't need another person telling you what to do. You got to trust your fucking self. You got to learn to sit with you, listen to what's coming up for you, and make choices from a place of empowerment and not from fear. Fear is, "You tell me what to do because I'm scared." Actually trusting yourself is, "I know who the fuck I am,

• 7:54Sabrina Zohar?

  and I know what feels right to me." I might not know the answer. That's the reality. And I know that this is really hard to hear. You choosing yourself is going to be very uncomfortable. And the reason being is because you're going to have to lose people that weren't choosing you. You choosing yourself is really difficult, because you're doing something you might never have done before. And your brain is saying, "I don't know how to keep you safe here." That doesn't mean you can't fucking do it. That just means that you need to put in the reps so that it doesn't feel so foreign to you. Because at the end of the day, baby, if you don't choose you, who the fuck will? So in the book, I talk about a specific study. But there's been another one that I was introduced to, and I'm really excited to share with you guys. Right? Where did you learn this behavior from? Because, like I said, if you're asking me, "Why do I get defensive?" It's like, I don't know. I don't know what's coming up for you. I don't know where you learned this from.

• 8:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Usually speaking, when we feel like we need to be defensive about everything, that's because somewhere along the way, we learned that we had to explain ourselves to our caregivers, because they always maybe assumed mal-intent. Or you felt like you weren't heard and really seen and validated for who you are. But I don't know your specific flavor of shit. Right? Like, I don't know what your kinks are. I know for me, why I felt like I had to be defensive at times. It's because my dad didn't really listen to me. But I don't know what your flavor is. And so it's less about, "Why do I do this?" And maybe understanding, "Where did I learn this behavior from? What am I trying to protect myself from? Is it from being misunderstood, because it feels like people just don't get me? Well, then, maybe I need to stop over-explaining. And instead, I need to take a beat and say, "Okay, what am I effectively trying to communicate here?" That's the thing with even conflict and repair. It's not about just conflict and repair.

• 9:21Sabrina Zohar?

  You need to regulate in between. As Dr. Chris says, "Your state determines your story, determines your strategy." When you're wildly dysregulated, that means your story is going to be, "They hate me. They don't like me. They don't want to be with me. They didn't text me, which means they don't like me." And then your strategy is, "I need to protest. I need to do something. I need to get them back." Versus you being really regulated and saying, "My state is, I'm a regulated individual right now. The story is, listen, maybe they're busy. I know this might feel like shit, but that also doesn't mean anything bad." And your strategy might be, "I'm going to go for a walk so that I don't hyper-focus on something that's out of my control." Look at the difference between what just regulating your nervous system can do for you. And I'll scream that from the rooftops. So. There's a study done by Mary Ainsworth and she is the one who really coined attachment styles. And again, attachment styles are fluid and we have got to stop

• 10:05Sabrina Zohar?

  listening to the fucking clickbait on the internet that tells you that this is this and this is this. Plenty of people that might be anxious are also avoidant. Plenty of avoidant people are also anxious and this study fucking proves it. So it was called the strange situation. They had eight different experiences, 21 minutes. And what they did was they had observers behind a one-way mirror and they had babies that were 12 to 18 months old. Now, the reason they specifically chose this is they were non-verbal. And what they wanted to see was how do children who can't communicate with their caregivers attune? So what they did was they had the mom bring their child in and when she left, they monitored two things. So they monitored what happened when the caregiver left, but on top of it, they also monitored what happened when the caregiver came back. When the mama left, they found secure individuals got distressed, they cried,

• 10:50Sabrina Zohar?

  and they looked for her. They weren't irate, they weren't losing it. They found the anxious person to be inconsolable. Nothing that they did worked to calm the child down. And the most interesting, which is not shocking, they found that the avoidant child, nothing. They kept playing. They didn't even look up, nothing. And the thing was what Ainsworth and her colleague Belle, they didn't believe the calm. They knew and they argued that the unruffled behavior was a mask for distress. And what ended up happening was they studied the heart rate. And the heart rate of the babies was that the baby who looked most fine was physiologically the most activated. So that the anxious person, the anxious baby that was going crazy was heightened. So what they learned was avoidant folk are also anxious.

• 11:35Sabrina Zohar?

  The avoidant person doesn't just shut down because they don't care. They shut down because their nervous system gets flooded in the same way that my anxious folk goes outward. Because when they get flooded, they can't sit in the fucking discomfort. And I am so fucking tired of villainizing the avoidant. I'm gonna cut that bullshit right now. If you're sitting here going around and saying the avoidance, the worst and the avoidance, this and the avoidance, that, then baby, you're not looking at yourself enough because your bullshit is also wildly inappropriate. Texting somebody 173 times, I know it because I did it. Reaching out constantly, irate, expecting this unrealistic expectations, that is not appropriate either. No one is better or worse. Both people need to learn how to sit in the fucking discomfort and show up differently. Sorry, I said it. I even saw somebody on threads posted, "My girlfriend blocked me because I took a nap and I didn't

• 12:19Sabrina Zohar?

  text her." And there was a lot of people being like, "Oh, you dodged a bullet." And then of course, there was a girl being like, "Well, that was on you. You should have texted her." And people were like, "What, so he's not allowed to nap?" And she's like, "No, he should have told her where she was, where he was, because then she would have been fine and she wouldn't have had to overthink." It's like, so do you notice, do you notice how everything is everyone else's fault? It's everybody else, right? You didn't call, you didn't do this, which means that I'm allowed to have all these expectations, but you're not allowed to be a human. You're not allowed to go take a nap. You're not allowed to go take a break. You're not allowed to put your phone in another room. I'm sorry, but I'm gonna ask you this honestly. How many people in your life do you give a play-by-play in your day, besides the person that you like? You don't tell your parents or your friends, and if you do, baby, I need you to go get a fucking life. Because if I had to tell somebody, "Okay, I'm going into a meeting now. Okay, I'm going in to do this

• 13:04Sabrina Zohar?

  now. Okay," I would go insane if I had to tell somebody every single move I was making every single day, because then what I would say is, they're monitoring their anxiety. They're not actually in the relationship.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 13:43Sabrina Zohar?

  What they found when the mama came back in the room, because you don't go and loop it back, ADHD brain, was secure, reach, they settle, and they go back to playing, right? They were like, "Oh, mama's back. Yay. Okay, I'm cool." And they went back to playing. The anxious folk reached and then pushed away again. They couldn't handle it because they felt so disturbed that their parent even left them, that now they didn't trust when they came back. The avoidant ignored the mom, or greeted her casually, if at all. They just, okay. And the reason I wanted to bring up this study was a few things. One, I think it's fascinating. And I think it's really interesting that their heart rate showed the anxiety that they were going through. But two, what it really shows is, look how early we learn this. Look how simple these things are, right? And that's the entirety

• 14:27Sabrina Zohar?

  of this book. It's not about blaming your parents. You're not shaming anybody. But what you're saying is, shit, this is where I learned it from. The one thing that changed my life was when I finally took accountability and ownership for my shit, but then also held the people in my life accountable for their shit. Now, as an adult realizing the way my brother and I speak to each other, the way my dad, my sister, my mom, now I've started to realize, no wonder I was fucking going insane. No wonder this was making me feel like I was crazy, right? I'm going through a whole, that like, I'm, that's it. My father's just owning me. Like, that's it. It's happening. It is done. And now there's a rift in the family because one of my siblings agrees with it and the other doesn't. And then one of them is speaking to me in a way I don't appreciate and the other one has my back. And now it's caused even more of a divide. But you know what this is? Childhood all

• 15:09Sabrina Zohar?

  over again. The triangulation, the causing each one of us to have a divide and fight over something so that my father can maintain control. And you know what's in my control? What I allow. What I allow in my life. I'm not saying to cut anyone out of your life. That is never the answer. But what I am saying is, if you have somebody in your life, whether that be a parent, a family member, a friend, a romantic, doesn't matter, anything outside of a colleague, which you can't really do, you don't have to keep people in your life that aren't trying to have a place in your life. You don't have to keep people in your life that aren't doing any work on themselves to actually be able to grow with you. You're allowed to outgrow people. I remember the friendship that I had when I ended it after 10 years, and I just realized, like, I'm not getting anything from this. I'm not. And

• 15:52Sabrina Zohar?

  since then, have I had a friend that's as close? No, I haven't. I haven't. I haven't made friends that I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is my ride or die." But I realized, she wasn't either. She just filled the space in my life for where I was at the time. But we actually didn't really align on a lot of things. We were just with each other because we were both single and kind of had some things that we kind of reminisced over. And I'll be honest, it's been five years since I've spoken to her. Nothing in my life has monumentally changed either way. And I don't mean anything against her. I'm sure there are people that absolutely love having her in her life. And it's okay, same with me. I've had people end friendships with me because they said, "I've outgrown this and I don't really resonate with the things that we talk about anymore." And my response is, "I appreciate you for telling me thank you." That's okay. I don't get angry at stuff like that. It's

• 16:35Sabrina Zohar?

  the same with breakups. If somebody is going to end it with you or say that that's not right, thank them for their honesty. You're allowed to be sad and pissed and bummed and all of those things, but I'm glad that you found out so that you could go and move on with your life. And if you're willing to work on it, yay, but be realistic. So one of the stories I mention in the book, you know what, before I even get into that, can I just normalize that you're allowed to feel insecure, you're allowed to feel sad, and you're allowed to wonder if you're doing a good job? Literally, I forgot to bring my book on set. And I asked Ryan to grab it for me in the middle of this recording. And he came in and I said, "Am I boring?" And he was like, "Babe, this is a great episode." And I was like, "Are you sure?" And he was like, "Hey, maybe you can learn to trust yourself a little bit more." And the reason I share that isn't because of anything besides,

• 17:19Sabrina Zohar?

  like, I'm so tired of feeling like we have to be perfect. I'm so tired of feeling like we're not allowed to talk about our struggles, or the things that we're going through, or the insecurities that we have. I'm so tired of pretending, right? Like these grifters on the internet that act as if they're holier-than-thou, and they have it all figured out, and you poor peasant on the street. I hate to break it to you, but most of these fucking people that you idealize, fucking suck. I have met so many of them. And then behind the scenes, I'm like, "Hey, you can't even hold a conversation. You don't even know how to be authentic. You're wildly immature and insecure. But you come off as if you're this because they prey on your insecurities too, because, oh, well, I trust them." I'm

• 18:02Sabrina Zohar?

  just tired of pretending that you're gonna have, just one day, not have any of this. Yes, you will. You 100% will. You will feel anxious again. You will feel sad. You will feel insecure. But that doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you haven't done enough work on yourself. So please stop trying to be perfect and start trying to be you. Just be you. And I know that sounds so fucking loaded of me saying that because it's a struggle for me to be me sometimes, because I always feel like I need to show up as a specific version, instead of saying, "I'm a messy human." And why do you think I'm so fucking terrified about this book? You guys are gonna know so much more about me that I'm scared. I'm scared you guys are gonna leave me when you find out that I struggle like the rest of us, that I put one shoe on and then the other

• 18:47Sabrina Zohar?

  like the rest of us, that I do the same things that the rest of us do, but I've just understood and learned more about myself and I don't let it dictate my entire day. But you're not alone. And I just, I wanted to normalize that because we're so focused on better, better, better ourselves, that's actually perfectionism. How about you just show up as you? And if that person's not okay with it, so be it. Well, that was a detour. Did not expect that. But that's why I love my time with you guys, because this is the safe space. I, for years, didn't understand why I was so anxious. And it wasn't until my mom had told me a story. And that was the hard thing about writing the book, was finding out a lot of stories

• 19:29Sabrina Zohar?

  that I didn't know, or finding out things about my dad that I was like, "Oh, my God, he's so much worse than I ever expected." And yet I have to pretend it's normal. And the running joke in my house was that I always threw up after every meal. I'm sorry, is it normal? No, no, it's not. Not at six months old. It's not normal. And my mom said, "No, there's nothing medically wrong with you." And everybody would joke and joke and joke. And I was like, "Why are you guys joking at my expense?" And then I finally, when I was writing the book, I said, "Mom, could you explain to me what happened?" And she said, and she said like, nonchalantly, "Your father would put you in the crib, and then he would come out, and being the narcissist, he didn't want my mom to pay attention to anything but him." And I would cry and he wouldn't let her go in. And he wouldn't let

• 20:11Sabrina Zohar?

  her come see me. And she said I would cry so much I would throw up. And then she would come in and clean me up. And it's like, it's wild, because as I was writing it in the book, it takes up like a paragraph. But it's so monumental for my life. And it created this feeling I have internally and my nervous system being so beholden to the fact that I never believed anybody was gonna come back and get me. So don't minimize experiences growing up. They might have been innocent. They absolutely might have. But maybe they weren't. So now, how do you work through this? How do you work through this? I'm gonna read you something from the book. Two pages, don't worry. We're not gonna be here too long. That's my own insecurity coming out. There it is. There's me being a human, that I'm scared I'm gonna lose you guys, that I'm scared I'm not gonna entertain you enough

• 20:55Sabrina Zohar?

  and keep you on. But do you notice how I acknowledge it, instead of trying to be like, "Oh, it's fine. Everything's okay." And I'm like, "That's valid. That's human. I'm scared to lose people, like the rest of us." You're not alone. So let's get into it. And if you haven't pre-ordered by now, I fucking pray that you have. I really pray that you have. If every single person listening to this pre-ordered. My life would change. So please let this be your sign. And if you just keep skipping over that because you're like, fuck her. I appreciate you being here and hopefully I can change your mind. All right. So this was the beginning of chapter four. You can run, but you can't hide how your patterns follow you into your relationships. When I was 23, I was living alone in a tiny two bedroom apartment in Williamsburg with a skylight and exposed brick.

• 21:38Sabrina Zohar?

  For all that quintessential New York charm, I paid less than $2,000 a month and I didn't even have mice or roaches. Unheard of now. At night, I'd sit out on the balcony with my dog Clem, a catahula mix with big blue eyes and the most gorgeous coat you've ever seen, watching the city pulse and throw beneath me, feeling simultaneously surrounded by millions of people and at the same time so utterly fucking alone. Dating New York is a special kind of psychological warfare. Now LA as well. My asides, well, you should imagine when I was trying to read the book, I kept trying to add things and they're like, hey, Sab, you gotta read what's on the page. I was like, eh. The city is packed with beautiful, ambitious, interesting people, all swiping and searching and starting over. I was desperate for connection, to feel chosen among the sea of options. This desperation wasn't just about finding a partner, though I had no fucking clue at the time.

• 22:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Looking back now, I can see it was about proving my own worth, about convincing myself that I was lovable, that I mattered, that I wasn't the forgettable disposable person my deepest fears told me I was. But back then, I just thought I was looking for love. And in that vulnerability, I was about to learn the most important and powerful lesson of my life. When you abandon yourself to get someone else's love, you might get chosen, but you'll never feel truly seen or loved for who you really are. I matched with this guy on OkCupid. This was back when dating apps first came out. He was tall with a jawline that could cut glass and the kind of confidence that read his charisma at first glance. His profile was carefully curated, artsy photos and cool Brooklyn spots, just the right amount of stubble, a hint of tattoos peeking out from under rolled up sleeves. I was hooked, line and sinker.

• 23:08Sabrina Zohar?

  We messaged back and forth and he quickly steered the conversation towards sex. Instead of saying what I really thought, I'm looking for something more substantial than a hookup. I played along. I laughed at his subjective suggestive jokes. I sent flirty responses to his increasingly explicit messages. I convinced myself that if I could just be the cool girl with no needs, no expectations, no demands, he'd see how different I was from all those high maintenance women out there. We met at a dive bar in my neighborhood. He was even more attractive and charming in person, and I felt that flutter of validation when he put his hand on my lower back, claiming me in front of other girls. Two drinks in, he suggested we go back to my place. My internal voice whispering, this is moving too fucking fast, but I smiled. Sure. The sex was quick, mechanical, forgettable.

• 23:51Sabrina Zohar?

  Afterwards, he was already reaching for his phone, checking messages while still in my bed. I pretended not to notice, making small talk about music while he half listened. 30 minutes later, when he left, he kissed me on the forehead, a gesture that felt both intimate and dismissive and said, that was fun. I'll text you. By the way, for everybody that says when a man kisses you on the forehead, that means he likes you, doesn't mean fuck all. I spent the next two days analyzing every moment of our interaction, convincing myself there was a real connection there. When he didn't text, I remembered dating advice from some Instagram dating coach. Don't seem eager. Men like women who are mysterious and hard to get. So I crafted what I thought was the perfect casual yet interested message, something that would make me stand out from all the other women surely texting him. His response? A dick pic.

• 24:33Sabrina Zohar?

  No text, no greeting, just an unsolicited photo of his penis. My stomach dropped. This wasn't what I wanted. This wasn't respectful. This wasn't even fucking hot. But instead of saying so, I heard that same desperate voice in my head. Don't mess this up, Sabrina. Don't be uptight. Be cool. Another voice, smaller, but still there whispered, don't reply to this photo, just delete it. But that thought was immediately drowned out by a louder one. If I don't reply, I'll be alone forever and I can't be alone. This is my one shot. So I responded positively and suggested he come over again. An hour later, he was at my door. This time, he didn't even pretend to be interested in conversation. I only have about 30 minutes, he said, already unbuckling his belt.

• 25:14Sabrina Zohar?

  In the middle of having sex, not making love, not even fucking, just an exchange of body parts. His phone rang. And this motherfucker answered it. While he was going from behind, he started having a whole conversation about weekend plans with someone while I lay there frozen with shock and humiliation. I said, nothing, did nothing, just waited for it to be over. After he finished his call and then finished with me, he got dressed and left quickly, barely saying goodbye. I sat on the edge of my bed, wrapped in a sheet, feeling like someone had hollowed me out like a melon baller. I felt used, invisible, worthless. But the worst part? I had allowed it. I had participated in my own dehumanization. I had abandoned myself entirely because I was so afraid of being alone.

• 25:59Sabrina Zohar?

  That night, I cried in the shower until the hot water ran out. Not because of what he did. Fuck him. He was just an asshole doing what assholes do. But because of what I had just done to myself. I had made myself small. I had erased my own needs. I had valued a temporary illusion of being wanted over my own self-respect. Essentially, I had abandoned myself. And it's so important to understand. Self abandonment is a trauma response.

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 26:54Sabrina Zohar?

  That's why, you know, when you guys keep saying, why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again? You're not just choosing wrong, you're disappearing to get chosen. And I learned that from somewhere. We have to explore where, why, who, how, what happened? And you want to know? Spoiler alert. I saw him again. I did. I did. I saw him again and then he moved to California. And not only did I see him again, I allowed him to take intimate photos of me that in hindsight, I was like, Sabrina, what the fuck were you thinking? I didn't want to say no. He took me to a hotel when I arrived just to fuck me for 20 minutes, take a couple of photos and leave. And that was the last time I ever saw him. Because then, maybe a month later, he posted photos of his new girlfriend.

• 27:39Sabrina Zohar?

  And told me that he never had any intentions of anything with me. And then I was just satisfying a need. And I remember attacking myself, not holding him accountable, but attacking myself and saying, what the fuck is wrong with me? And there was nothing wrong with me. But I learned that in order to receive love, I had to let go of my needs. I was so terrified of taking up space and going, I don't really want to do that. Not really interested. No, thank you. Because I was so scared of what that would mean. What would it mean? And now? Now I am not scared at all. I have no problem going to Ryan and being like, hey, don't love this. Hey, can I share something with you? That felt really uncomfortable. Or I didn't love the way you said that. Not to attack.

• 28:21Sabrina Zohar?

  But to know that if I don't stand up for me, who will? He's not just going to be able to read my fucking mind? And that's the thing, like, that's how you actually heal through. That's how you are there for you. Maybe it's going to the barista and saying, hey, this coffee's not hot enough. You're standing up for yourself. And maybe it's saying, you know what, somewhere along the way is my mama taught me to people, please. And she taught me just keep going, keep going, keep going. And eventually someone will love you for that. And now I get to say, that's not right, mama. It's not. And she knows that and I know that. But just because I know it doesn't mean I can necessarily make the changes I need. And that's where the nervous system comes into play. We have to make these really, really small changes and know that it's going to take time. One of you guys asked, does it ever get better and is there hope? A hundred percent. The stimulus is no longer as intense.

• 29:05Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't feel it as much. It will get better, but it's not just going to go away. You're not just going to wake up and be like, oh, my God, nothing bothers me and no one ever makes me feel insecure. A hundred percent you will feel that. And so, you know what? Product of the week? Is my fucking book. This book is going to change your life if you do what's in it. If you listen to the exercises, it's not just another fucking self-help book. This book is how you will actually get the life that you want and deserve. And if you, it doesn't matter if you're single, if you're married, if you're in a relationship, this is not a dating book. This is not a relationship book. It's a you book, the relationship you have with yourself and everybody in your surroundings. So let this be your moment. Please fucking support. Support a small business, support somebody who is trying so hard to change and help and, and do what I can.

• 29:48Sabrina Zohar?

  And the algorithms aren't there to help and support because they're not actually trying to help you. They're trying to keep that division because that's how they make money. And so the one thing I ask is please order a hardcover. Let this be your moment to say, you know what, fuck it. If you want the audiobook, thank you. I'm glad you're even willing to fucking listen to me. But ideally, if you get the hardcover, that's how I'll make the list. So, tool of the week. I wanted to talk about a new FMRI study that they did. And I find this really interesting. And so the tool of the week is what we're talking about. So they had people, they put them into two different groups. And they had them experience the same painful memory of like a breakup or something not working. So they had it in two separate ways. They had one person use I and the other one use their first name. And I, you know what's funny? I've been doing this for years and I didn't even realize it because it does make me feel better. The people that used their own name, right?

• 30:32Sabrina Zohar?

  Like, so let's say for instance, it's, you know what, that person didn't call me and it feels shitty. You know what, Sab, of course that would feel shitty. No shit. Of course you would feel like shit because it feels really dismissive. And I totally get that, but like, we got this and we're going to figure this out. And I got your back and I know that this feels really tough. Do you see how I'm talking to myself, but in a different way versus, I feel like shit. And I know that this person likes me. So what they found was somebody that used their own name, used it in third person. There was less activity in the region tied to rumination. The EEG version caught the drop inside one second. And it costs no more mental effort than talking to yourself in a normal way. And so we have to understand that reframing and mindfulness do both. Right? One word changed and there was a measurable difference in the brain.

• 31:16Sabrina Zohar?

  It wasn't more insight. It wasn't more therapy. It wasn't about trying harder. It was about having the right tool. And so I want you to try that. That is your tool this week. You know what? Alice, I get it. This is really tough because what you're doing is you're talking to your little as well. You're seeing yourself, you're hearing yourself instead of I, I, I, I. I want you to try that and reframe. Even if you're walking down the street going, you know what, Sab, yeah, you're feeling really sad right now and that's okay. You know what, Sab? Yeah, that feels really shitty that dad said that. I can totally understand that that would really impact you. You'll notice your. Your shoulders lighten, your chest just feels like it softens and you're just able to breathe a little bit more because you're actually there for you. You've got your back in more ways than one because you're actually seeing all of the

• 32:00Sabrina Zohar?

  parts of you that make you beautiful and amazing. And I get it, a lot of us would love to get rid of some of these, but who would you be without them? You wouldn't be this version that you are, and I think that's pretty special. So don't forget that. Don't forget who the fuck you are, because there's only one of you. And there's a million of these other people who are sheep, and there's this and there's this, but there's only one of you. And I don't want you to forget that. So if you keep asking, why am I like this? We can find the answer, and I'll give you the answer. What are you gonna do with it? How much deeper are you gonna go? And what is the introspection that you're gonna have once you figure that out? That is what I want you to focus on, is, okay, so I know the answer, now what? Who needs me? What parts? And is it really about these other people? Or is it about myself and the fact that I'm embarrassed that I didn't show up for me? That I didn't stand up for me?

• 32:44Sabrina Zohar?

  Fuck them, right? The people are gonna do, other people are gonna do what they do. What are you allowing? And then how are you showing up for yourself? I'm so proud of you. And I can't believe that we're at pub date, that we're almost there. You guys get a bonus episode on October 13th. That is our bonus episode. It's a really special episode. Mama Zo makes an appearance and it's incredibly beautiful and moving, and I'm so excited to share it with you. And thank you guys for being here. Thank you for supporting me through this book. And I'm hoping that in about two weeks, I'll have a really special announcement for you that we made the list. And you know what? Here's the thing, if we don't, that's okay too. That doesn't determine who I am, but I don't know one author that doesn't want to do that. And at the very least, know that my hard work was recognized. But regardless of it, thank you.

• 33:29Sabrina Zohar?

  Thank you for being here. Don't forget to follow along on social, the Sabrina Zohar Show, sabrina.zohar, TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, Threads, all of the Facebook, that shit, that's blowing up too. Come and watch me, come hang out, do the question boxes. If you need anything, sabrina.zohar.com. And just thank you for being here. Rate, review the show, share it with a friend. And babies, don't forget to follow along so that you never miss an episode because we are gonna expand and grow, we're gonna have different types of guests, and we're gonna change the way that we do things because life is so much more than just dating, and I need you to remember that too. Our friends, until next week. I love you guys.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. Burst the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it, layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.