Having Asthma Attacks w/ Ian Fidance

Are You Garbage presents comedian and podcast host Ian Fidance! You know Ian Fidance from stand up comedy, Bein' Ian with Jordan, Kill Tony, The Joe Rogan Experience, The Adam Friedland Show, First Date, Stavvy's World, Your Mom's House, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Harland Highway and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! AYG 2025 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Uncommon Goods: To get 15% off your next gift, go to https://UNCOMMONGOODS.com/AYG Quince: Go to https://Quince.com/garbage for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Shopify: Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Donnys, Pam, listen, did you get your tickets yet for the Are You Garbage show at the Met? Are You Garbage? With Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, the two I showed, yeah, the bald and the fat one, yeah, them two. Yeah, they're at the Met, I know, must be nice, all fancy at the Met, made it big, you know? But make sure you go on there and get your tickets, because I know they're probably gonna sell out quick, you know? And I'm telling you right now, I hope Aunt Toody's there, because guess what? I'm gonna be having a conversation with her. That bitch owes me eighty dollars from that beef and veal at Paddywax. Yeah, so I'll be having a conversation with her for sure. Alright, so go online and get your tickets. Alright? So long.

• 0:41Speaker 01

  Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

• 1:01H. Foley?

  Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast, this is Are You Garbage?

• 1:07Speaker 03

  Hey, yeah.

• 1:07H. Foley?

  It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians, not today, but what are you gonna do? And we find that it's a used to-

• 1:14Speaker 03

  Bookings are tough?

• 1:16H. Foley?

  I'm available. If they grew up classy, if they're just a big ol' piece of trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a glorious day, we're out back here with Toody's and the new addition. She was just paper in, toilet paper in the neighbor's place.

• 1:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:29H. Foley?

  Mike Coles is coming at you from right next to me, a little too close. Father of the year, he's little Kippy's old man.

• 1:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:37H. Foley?

  And it ain't his kind of rock and roll, give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody.

• 1:41Speaker 03

  Still rock and rollin' me, dog. Shout out to you, gang, thanks for tuning in, as always, please make sure you review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube, also full video available over there on Spotify, baby. Then, uh, obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com/areyougarbage, you go over there, you join the over fifteen thousand members of the goddamn Patreon, dog.

• 2:00H. Foley?

  Army of garbage.

• 2:01Speaker 03

  Kids are kicking over there, love that money, and then obviously, uh, the, uh-

• 2:05H. Foley?

  Spotify?

• 2:06Speaker 03

  No, I did Spotify.

• 2:07H. Foley?

  Tickets for the December thirteenth show at the Met?

• 2:10Speaker 03

  There you go, tickets for the Met, December thirteenth, available, areyougarbage.com, boys are coming home.

• 2:15H. Foley?

  They're going quick, grab 'em.

• 2:17Speaker 03

  Just fucking be normal for once.

• 2:20H. Foley?

  I'd like to redo the Toody. Aunt Toody just got back from the pet store. She bought an alligator. Gang, we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. You know him, you love him. He is the co-host of the B and Ian podcast with Jordan, sometimes. Give it up for Ian Fidance, everybody.

• 2:38Speaker 04

  Hi, everybody. Thank you so much for having me.

• 2:42Speaker 03

  I'm going home.

• 2:43Speaker 04

  Having a ball. I'm so happy to be here.

• 2:46H. Foley?

  You got your heaters, you got your snot rag, you got your comb, you have some notes written down.

• 2:50Speaker 03

  Looks like you're about to open a table at a flea market, dude.

• 2:54Speaker 04

  I do have some pages that I could sell.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  You're a bag lady.

• 2:58H. Foley?

  Ian brought us a shopping bag as a gift.

• 3:00Speaker 04

  I brought a shopping bag of gifts.

• 3:01H. Foley?

  A stop and shop bag that you definitely didn't pay for. No, it's not.

• 3:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, it is. It's November. November to the end of December is the season. Well, November's a month.

• 3:12H. Foley?

  What are you, an Lexus commercial? What are you talking about?

• 3:13Speaker 04

  November's gratitude month, and then December, obviously, is Christmas, so it's a season of giving.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  And Hanukkah.

• 3:19H. Foley?

  Kwanzaa.

• 3:20Speaker 04

  Yes, and other made up things.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  But I have a bag of gifts for you guys. I don't know when you want me to give them or if I should plug my travel show produced by YMH.

• 3:32H. Foley?

  There you go. Ian has a brand new travel show being produced by YMH. Our good friends at Your Mom's House.

• 3:37Speaker 04

  Ian Do, an odd guy doing odd jobs. You can see it at youtube.com/ianfaidancecomedy, so subscribe to my YouTube page. Partner with YMH. It's a gas, it's a blast. The episodes are still not out. They are.

• 3:52Speaker 03

  I want to know the tech to clear.

• 3:53Speaker 04

  You were gonna see the trailer when this comes out.

• 3:56H. Foley?

  With an NC 17 rating. A lot of gay sex.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  There was an incident with the canine place I went to.

• 4:04Speaker 03

  That's how you pet smart. I got drug out of a pet smart.

• 4:07Speaker 04

  Bit me a little too hard.

• 4:09H. Foley?

  Empty jar, empty jar of peanut butter falling on the ground.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  I went to a canine, Akila Canine Services in Chicago.

• 4:14H. Foley?

  Akila Canine Services? That's the name of the place?

• 4:16Speaker 04

  I think I mentioned it on the show and they hit me up.

• 4:19Speaker 03

  Are we in reruns already? The fuck, we're three minutes in, you're telling stories you told last. I actually told this story last time I was here.

• 4:26Speaker 04

  At the K9 services, I ran into my old imaginary dear friend, Venatio. Shout out, episode 36, probably. See, the pills are working.

• 4:36Speaker 03

  Episode 36?

• 4:37Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 4:37Speaker 03

  What, are you in season 9 already? 36 now?

• 4:40Speaker 04

  Oh no, episode of the show!

• 4:42H. Foley?

  That's what they do with bad game shows. They film like 100 episodes and it gets cancelled.

• 4:46Speaker 04

  Dude, I have so many episodes filmed.

• 4:48H. Foley?

  Is that true?

• 4:49Speaker 04

  I have so many episodes.

• 4:50H. Foley?

  When are you dropping this?

• 4:51Speaker 03

  This thing's never gonna see the light of day.

• 4:52Speaker 04

  Once we get all the media and assets together with YMH, and then the episodes will come out.

• 4:58Speaker 03

  Stop trying to sound more business.

• 4:59H. Foley?

  Media and assets.

• 5:01Speaker 04

  You don't know about media and assets?

• 5:02H. Foley?

  Quick stop at Kelly Clarkson, it'll be out then.

• 5:05Speaker 04

  Doing the Jennifer Hudson show.

• 5:06Speaker 03

  Shout out Roker for the plug.

• 5:08Speaker 04

  I'm in a little hot water already about the Quanta comment.

• 5:11H. Foley?

  Would you like to do the Jennifer Hudson show?

• 5:13Speaker 03

  Is that the one where they dance?

• 5:14H. Foley?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  Would you do that?

• 5:16Speaker 04

  I would do the worm in a heartbeat.

• 5:17H. Foley?

  It's Ian, he's a creep. It's Ian, he's cheap. It's Ian.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  He's grinding on the guy.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  He's backing it up and dumping it on some dude.

• 5:28H. Foley?

  It's Ian, HR, it's Ian, please don't do that.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Why is he choking himself with the microphone cord?

• 5:37Speaker 03

  Hey, walk in the green room, you got your sack tucked back? What the hell?

• 5:42H. Foley?

  You hand Jennifer Hudson the remote to your butt plug?

• 5:45Speaker 04

  Why is "Goodbye Horses" playing over and over?

• 5:49H. Foley?

  "Goodbye Horses"?

• 5:50Speaker 04

  The song during Silence of the Lambs.

• 5:54Speaker 04

  Like, have you ever met Jennifer before? I'm like, she's a great big fat person.

• 5:59Speaker 04

  You want your gifts?

• 6:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, please. Dude, you smell like a stepdad, it's crazy.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  What?

• 6:03Speaker 03

  Between the heaters and the Right Guard or whatever you got going on.

• 6:06H. Foley?

  Hold on, give us the gifts now, because he's taking out the trash in a minute. Sorry.

• 6:10Speaker 04

  Jean Paul Gautier's a cologne and natural pheromones, no deodorant.

• 6:15Speaker 03

  Smell like scratchers.

• 6:19H. Foley?

  You smell like a cab driver in Athens.

• 6:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

• 6:23Speaker 04

  In Athens?

• 6:23H. Foley?

  Wait, you mean?

• 6:24Speaker 03

  Cat driver would've worked.

• 6:26H. Foley?

  I don't know, I was in a cab one time in Athens.

• 6:27Speaker 03

  Athens, Georgia? That's a bad part of the day, don't it?

• 6:30Speaker 04

  I was at five-

• 6:31Speaker 03

  Well, be in Atlanta!

• 6:32Speaker 04

  I was at five points, I need a ride.

• 6:33H. Foley?

  Listen, hold on a second, back this up real quick. Jean-Paul Gaultier L'Amel, is that what you're using? The guy with the body and the stripes?

• 6:38Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 6:39H. Foley?

  Wow. You still going to shampoo? What are you doing over there?

• 6:42Speaker 04

  I have been using that cologne since high school.

• 6:44Speaker 03

  It's your birthday first days.

• 6:45Speaker 04

  Dude, shampoo.

• 6:46Speaker 03

  Ian's about to give me a shirt with fucking cat hair on it, I can see it already, dude, that's crazy.

• 6:49Speaker 04

  Oh yeah, you're right. I had them out and I used it to lay on, but it's a little souvenir from Ian.

• 6:54Speaker 03

  I'm allergic to cats.

• 6:55H. Foley?

  Isn't that cute when they lay in your luggage when you're packing?

• 7:00H. Foley?

  You forget him in there one time.

• 7:02Speaker 04

  I wish. I would love to have a road cat. That would be the coolest.

• 7:06H. Foley?

  A road cat?

• 7:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, just bring him on the road and he's a cat. A road cat.

• 7:10H. Foley?

  He wouldn't make it if you put him in your bag and it got put under the thing.

• 7:13Speaker 04

  I wouldn't do that.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  I don't check bags, man.

• 7:15Speaker 04

  I gotta give him gabapentin before they go to the-

• 7:18Speaker 03

  Gabapentin? I gotta do it to him too. I had to make that joke. I think you've told this story and I've made this joke. I've heard gabapentin before.

• 7:24Speaker 04

  You gotta put it in a thing of cheese, Henry.

• 7:26H. Foley?

  Gabapentin sounds like one of those new starlets out there in Hollywood. Gabapentin. She's very good.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  Unlike you.

• 7:33Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 7:34H. Foley?

  Give us the t-shirt.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  The boys are in.

• 7:36H. Foley?

  And what, you're gonna give me a fucking two? Oh, that's actually really nice!

• 7:40Speaker 04

  The Morton Salt Girl Ian Fidance tee. I brought one for everyone except the new guy whose name I don't remember. I didn't know he was gonna be here.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  If you could guess his name, what do you think his name is?

• 7:48Speaker 04

  Mark!

• 7:50Speaker 03

  What's up, Mark?

• 7:52H. Foley?

  Mark's pretty good.

• 7:53Speaker 04

  Edgemansstore.com, you can get these and get them on the road.

• 7:56Speaker 03

  Edgemans?

• 7:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, Jimmy Edgeman, that's where, who does my merch.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  You don't sell your merch on your website?

• 8:00Speaker 04

  Out of Detroit. I do. Ianfinance.com for my merch.

• 8:04H. Foley?

  Out of Detroit?

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's where they make my merch.

• 8:07H. Foley?

  USA, all the way.

• 8:08Speaker 04

  I like to support local. In America. Okay.

• 8:13H. Foley?

  What size did you get me?

• 8:14Speaker 04

  I got an XL for KJ.

• 8:16H. Foley?

  Uh-huh.

• 8:17Speaker 03

  What? I'm a large!

• 8:18H. Foley?

  He's a medium now.

• 8:18Speaker 04

  I got a large, you want a large?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Who's the large for?

• 8:21Speaker 04

  Here's a large.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  I'm never gonna wear this.

• 8:23H. Foley?

  I'll wear it if it fits, but I know it's not gonna fit.

• 8:25Speaker 04

  2X, Henry?

• 8:25H. Foley?

  Keep going.

• 8:26Speaker 04

  I was gonna bring a 3X, but I didn't want to insult you.

• 8:29Speaker 03

  How big's that bag?

• 8:30H. Foley?

  Don't insult me!

• 8:30Speaker 04

  Insult you?

• 8:31H. Foley?

  2X!

• 8:32Speaker 04

  Well, I got a gift that'll insult you in a minute. Uh, and this is for Luke.

• 8:37Speaker 03

  Your website takes you to edgemans.com.

• 8:39H. Foley?

  Let me tell you something, this is a very nice quality shirt.

• 8:41Speaker 04

  Comfort colors. It makes a great shirt. If you like a nightie, you can get, uh-

• 8:47H. Foley?

  This might fit me.

• 8:48Speaker 04

  Triple side, pop it on. Should we? Why not?

• 8:52Speaker 03

  Uh, no, I'm gonna have to wash this thoroughly.

• 8:54Speaker 04

  This one does not have cat hair.

• 8:55Speaker 03

  What?

• 8:56Speaker 04

  This one does not have cat hair. The medium does. Luke, sorry.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  Hand up, that's my fault.

• 9:02Speaker 04

  If you want cat hair, it's $5 extra. Oh, and there's, there's a medium. I was gonna get a small for your son to wrap him up in. He could grow into it.

• 9:08Speaker 03

  Well, he's, he's, he's very anti-fidance, and that's his choice. I have, I haven't indoctrinated him at all.

• 9:14Speaker 04

  That's interesting, because I bought him, you, and your wife a gift.

• 9:17Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 9:18Speaker 04

  Let's see it. Now, this is for you, KJ and fam.

• 9:21Speaker 03

  Okay, thank you.

• 9:23Speaker 04

  Because I, I haven't given you a gift for your son yet.

• 9:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 9:26Speaker 04

  Where'd you get ricin this time of year?

• 9:30Speaker 04

  I've been holding you a pack of cigarettes.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  That's edgeman.com, folks, for all your poison.

• 9:37Speaker 04

  We got cat hair, ricin. He's got no fingernails, he bites them down.

• 9:43Speaker 03

  Sweet, lice.

• 9:44Speaker 04

  He loves it. There you go. Now, it did not arrive yet. So this is a printout that I laminated.

• 9:55Speaker 03

  Silicone gel, what I always wanted.

• 9:58Speaker 04

  Pop it in your drink, it'll fuck you up. Keep your asshole dry. Uh, and, so I printed out the order. I got a candle for your house. Looks like a fucking Quest Labs bag. A blanket for your son with a personalized, um, note that says... Good luck, Mark. Little prince of garbage.

• 10:18Speaker 03

  Little prince of garbage, it's very cute. A sideline stripe maroon blanket.

• 10:23Speaker 04

  Phillies colors?

• 10:24Speaker 03

  Phillies colors, a fireside fur candle.

• 10:27Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 10:27Speaker 03

  Then, you use the discount code. Typically, you use...

• 10:32Speaker 04

  That was not supposed to be on the slip. How do you know he uses a discount code?

• 10:36Speaker 03

  It says, "Chappy15", and he saved $6 on the candle.

• 10:41Speaker 04

  You piece of shit. Woo!

• 10:45H. Foley?

  He saved 1275 on the blanket.

• 10:47Speaker 03

  Chappy 15, 1275 on... You save 15%, right?

• 10:52Speaker 04

  Yeah. Why did I use a discount if they offer?

• 10:54Speaker 03

  That's a pretty expensive candle. 15%, you save 6 bucks.

• 10:57Speaker 04

  Let me tell you, this all together...

• 10:59Speaker 03

  That's like a $30 candle or something like that.

• 11:01Speaker 04

  Let me tell you something, this all together was...

• 11:02H. Foley?

  The invoice is coming.

• 11:03Speaker 04

  This, this all together...

• 11:04Speaker 03

  He just got to the checkout and just took the picture?

• 11:07Speaker 04

  Monetarily, this was worth what Foley weighed in grade school.

• 11:14H. Foley?

  That was $700?

• 11:15Speaker 03

  Thank you very much. That's very sweet. That is very sweet.

• 11:18H. Foley?

  Gimme mine. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Better not be some dumbass candle either.

• 11:22Speaker 04

  Henry, this is a mirror to take a look at yourself. Dig deep. But it also says, "You have value, Henry."

• 11:31Speaker 03

  Should be chopping up lines on that thing.

• 11:33H. Foley?

  Yeah, that's alright. I could've used this a couple of months ago. Look, I do my little bangers here.

• 11:39Speaker 03

  Oh, this one key bumps and this one main lines.

• 11:41Speaker 04

  Yeah. He's filling that whole big side up.

• 11:44H. Foley?

  Very nice. Thank you, Ian.

• 11:45Speaker 04

  You're welcome.

• 11:46H. Foley?

  Look, throw this out.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  Thank you very much.

• 11:49H. Foley?

  Where'd you get that mirror?

• 11:51Speaker 04

  Dollar store.

• 11:52H. Foley?

  Wow.

• 11:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 11:53H. Foley?

  Guess I'm not worth a promo code, huh?

• 11:56Speaker 03

  He's yelling at the cashier, "Chappy 15!" Chappy 15! What website was that?

• 12:03Speaker 04

  Uh, I Googled monogram blanket.

• 12:06H. Foley?

  How'd you find the promo code?

• 12:08Speaker 03

  You Googled promo code for that website?

• 12:09Speaker 04

  Sometimes when you use sponsored Google Ads, they pop up a thing that's like, "Promo code, sign up for the email list, promo code." You sign up and then you unsubscribe to get the promo code. You've never done that?

• 12:20Speaker 03

  No.

• 12:20H. Foley?

  No.

• 12:21Speaker 03

  It's never worth it.

• 12:22Speaker 04

  Back in the day, you never did that.

• 12:24H. Foley?

  I never bought a fur candle, to be honest with you.

• 12:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:27Speaker 04

  I am a huge candle guy. There's a candle guy outside of Philly, Uncle Ron's Candles, shout out.

• 12:31H. Foley?

  You like the wax getting dripped on you?

• 12:33Speaker 04

  Black metal coffee. It's tobacco and coffee smell, amazing. They really fill up the room. It's incredible. I just got a incense burner that's a guy in an electric chair, and when you burn the incense, the smoke comes out of his chest. It's really cool.

• 12:48H. Foley?

  Sweet.

• 12:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  Hey, try Xanax.

• 12:50Speaker 04

  It's like, ride the lightning.

• 12:51Speaker 03

  Uh, where's that? Just on the kitchen table?

• 12:54Speaker 04

  Living room table.

• 12:55Speaker 03

  Living room. It's also the... I've been to the apartment, and that's the kitchen table, too.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  And the bedroom.

• 12:59H. Foley?

  I can't believe you've been in that apartment for so long. That's crazy. That's your home.

• 13:03Speaker 04

  That's my home. I've been there longer than I've lived in Delaware.

• 13:05H. Foley?

  They're gonna drag you out of there someday.

• 13:07Speaker 04

  Over my dead body. They still have a fixie AC since May 5th.

• 13:11Speaker 03

  And trust me, Mondami's hearing about that one.

• 13:14Speaker 04

  Oh, he ain't gonna do shit, but you know who will? My guy Curtis Lee.

• 13:18Speaker 03

  God, dude, that guy.

• 13:20Speaker 04

  King Curtis, you got my vote, you got multiple votes from me because I don't check IDs. And let me tell you, also, hey.

• 13:28H. Foley?

  Cats can vote for him, though.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  I got you guys something. I'll sell you these so people think you're a good person.

• 13:33H. Foley?

  That's pretty good.

• 13:34Speaker 04

  Two bucks.

• 13:34H. Foley?

  That's pretty good.

• 13:35Speaker 04

  Two bucks. What do you say? IanFinance.com.

• 13:40Speaker 03

  Promo code CHAPPY15. You stink, dude. Thank you very much.

• 13:45H. Foley?

  That's crazy. That's very nice of you.

• 13:47Speaker 03

  That's very, that is very nice. Very, I mean, I, only, only rich people have gotten me embroidered stuff.

• 13:53Speaker 04

  Really?

• 13:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. Voli hasn't gotten me anything, I don't think.

• 13:56Speaker 04

  You haven't gotten anything?

• 13:57H. Foley?

  I haven't got anything.

• 13:58Speaker 04

  A little bit of Agina?

• 13:59Speaker 03

  Buddy, from your mouth that got to yours.

• 14:01Speaker 04

  I can't imagine what it would be like him offering to babysit.

• 14:04H. Foley?

  I offered to babysit. First of all, the kid loves me.

• 14:07Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 14:08H. Foley?

  Right now. He don't know no.

• 14:09Speaker 03

  He don't know no.

• 14:10Speaker 04

  Brain's not developed.

• 14:13H. Foley?

  Everything else is, boy.

• 14:16H. Foley?

  I wanna get close to this kid. This is gonna be our first, this is gonna be our first.

• 14:19Speaker 04

  You should do, uh, skin to skin contact.

• 14:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, right. My kid doesn't eat skin tags. I hear those are contagious.

• 14:25H. Foley?

  No, my skin.

• 14:26Speaker 04

  That's always gonna teeth?

• 14:27H. Foley?

  My skin tags on my back have all disappeared.

• 14:29Speaker 04

  Really?

• 14:30Speaker 03

  You just can't feel them anymore.

• 14:31Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 14:32H. Foley?

  Yeah, they move around.

• 14:32Speaker 04

  That's great. People can change.

• 14:34H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 03

  You hear that, folks?

• 14:36H. Foley?

  They're all gone.

• 14:37Speaker 04

  I got one in my armpit, right here, and I wear sleeveless shirts on stage.

• 14:40H. Foley?

  You can clip it. Get toenail clippers.

• 14:42Speaker 04

  You are gross.

• 14:43H. Foley?

  Dude, that's. What do you think they do at the doctor's office?

• 14:46Speaker 04

  You freeze them off.

• 14:47H. Foley?

  No. What, with a bag of peas?

• 14:49Speaker 04

  You're clipping your skin tags off.

• 14:52H. Foley?

  That's what they do at the doctor. They take a tweezer, they pull it out, and they snip it with scissors. It's the same thing with the fucking toenail clipper.

• 14:57Speaker 04

  What if we got a bleeder? What are you gonna do?

• 14:59H. Foley?

  You put a little alcohol on it. I just had blood taken today.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  For what?

• 15:03Speaker 03

  The subway.

• 15:06Speaker 03

  A train or a sandwich joint. You'd make, you'd make the choice.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  Five dollar footlong's for a vial of blood.

• 15:12Speaker 03

  These hair all, all.

• 15:14H. Foley?

  I'm at Chipotle Ranch.

• 15:15Speaker 04

  What did you get blood taken for?

• 15:17H. Foley?

  Endocrinologist. I had to go and get my, my Zepbound, get the doses upped a little bit.

• 15:24Speaker 04

  What's Zepbound?

• 15:25H. Foley?

  It's like Ozempic.

• 15:27Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 15:28H. Foley?

  But it's a salad dressing.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  You, so you're no longer on Ozempic, you're now going a different route?

• 15:34H. Foley?

  Yes, yes.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop.

• 15:39H. Foley?

  Did you hear that?

• 15:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, that was crazy.

• 15:40H. Foley?

  Like, how thick is your beard?

• 15:41Speaker 03

  Talk about giving you the wooshies.

• 15:44Speaker 04

  The wooshies?

• 15:45Speaker 03

  Wooshies, that's like hugging Tommy Pope. It's like 80 grit.

• 15:48Speaker 04

  I shaved, uh?

• 15:49H. Foley?

  Oh, and Tommy rubs his face on you? Oh, man, I love it.

• 15:52Speaker 04

  And his big Italian wet kisses?

• 15:53H. Foley?

  I love Tommy snuggles. Yeah.

• 15:55Speaker 03

  We get, when Tommy and Tommy get drunk, it's like, we're about five seconds away from kissing and fist fighting the whole time.

• 16:00Speaker 04

  You're gonna start a fire with those beards touching.

• 16:03H. Foley?

  No, he's smooth as a baby.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, your beard, yours looks like it's soft.

• 16:07H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 16:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:08H. Foley?

  He's not much of a man, not a lot of testosterone.

• 16:09Speaker 03

  I'm the only one with a goddamn, I've procreated, all right? You two quit pulling your wieners and fucking docking each other.

• 16:15H. Foley?

  I need to talk to Maury on that one.

• 16:17Speaker 04

  I don't think my stuff works.

• 16:19Speaker 03

  Really?

• 16:20Speaker 04

  Yeah. I don't think I can have a kid.

• 16:21H. Foley?

  Stop putting in the asshole, you know what I mean?

• 16:24Speaker 04

  You're right. I gotta try a different route.

• 16:27Speaker 03

  Hey, guys can't get pregnant.

• 16:28Speaker 04

  Can't make babies up here.

• 16:31H. Foley?

  Amen, brother.

• 16:34Speaker 04

  Man, I wish I had more.

• 16:35Speaker 03

  Well, I wish I had gifts for you. I, we didn't, we didn't get you anything.

• 16:37H. Foley?

  Yeah, here. Do you want some glasses?

• 16:39Speaker 04

  You want a fidget spinner?

• 16:40Speaker 03

  Want some Zepbound?

• 16:41H. Foley?

  Fidget spinner?

• 16:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:42H. Foley?

  What, are you working at Hot Topic?

• 16:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're like the guy with a kiosk at the mall.

• 16:46Speaker 04

  That's what I call an indoor cigarette. Helps me, uh, not get distracted and nervous.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  How many cigs do you think you're on at the moment?

• 16:53Speaker 04

  Two packs a day. I did have bronchitis and pneumonia, and I quit for three days.

• 16:57H. Foley?

  I know. He called me and told me he had pneumonia. He was on the road. Don't tell anybody I had pneumonia.

• 17:01Speaker 04

  Why?

• 17:02H. Foley?

  I don't even know what that is.

• 17:03Speaker 03

  You know what's trashier than pneumonia?

• 17:04H. Foley?

  Pneumonia kills you.

• 17:05Speaker 04

  They'll find out by my inhaler. Already, if you were a girl, I'd say.

• 17:10Speaker 03

  You got an inhaler? What, are you on Ventolin?

• 17:10Speaker 04

  You take my breath away.

• 17:11H. Foley?

  It's just fun dip.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  Mini whipits.

• 17:15H. Foley?

  Is that a antibiotic?

• 17:17Speaker 04

  No, it's just like air.

• 17:19Speaker 03

  It's not air, dude.

• 17:20Speaker 04

  It's albuterol.

• 17:20Speaker 03

  Albuterol.

• 17:21Speaker 04

  Albuterol, something.

• 17:22H. Foley?

  Jean Paul Gaultier.

• 17:22Speaker 03

  I was, I was.

• 17:23Speaker 04

  Inhalation air.

• 17:24Speaker 03

  I was on albuterol my whole entire life.

• 17:27Speaker 04

  You were on an inhaler?

• 17:28Speaker 03

  My whole life.

• 17:29Speaker 04

  What for?

• 17:29Speaker 03

  And sometimes I'd have to use that spacer.

• 17:31H. Foley?

  Eat a fat piece of shit.

• 17:35Speaker 03

  I had a problem with cheese.

• 17:36Speaker 04

  Heart was working overtime.

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Uh huh. I had allergy and sports induced asthma.

• 17:41Speaker 04

  Really?

• 17:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I have a.

• 17:43H. Foley?

  Sports induced? Sports center induced?

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Watching the X Games.

• 17:49Speaker 04

  I used to hyperventilate watching the World Series of Poker.

• 17:53H. Foley?

  American Gladiator would get me all sweaty.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Those guys, I carumba.

• 17:58H. Foley?

  I wish they would bring that back, American Gladiator.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  Did you watch a documentary?

• 18:01Speaker 03

  They did.

• 18:01H. Foley?

  Yeah, it was alright.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  They tried. Um, no, but I would leave, I'd have to go to.

• 18:05Speaker 04

  Dude, you guys got enough money, make an American Gladiator course for Tom.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  First of all, he does not have enough money.

• 18:11H. Foley?

  Worst summer ever.

• 18:15Speaker 04

  Take a look at that mirror.

• 18:17Speaker 03

  It just has worst summer. Biggest loser in the world.

• 18:21H. Foley?

  By the way, you give me a mirror, I don't fit in.

• 18:24H. Foley?

  See my eyes.

• 18:25Speaker 04

  They did have wider mirrors, I should have gotten it.

• 18:28Speaker 03

  That's to get a windshield to fit in.

• 18:33H. Foley?

  What are those mirrors they have on tractor trailers?

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Objects in mirrors are fatter than they appear.

• 18:39H. Foley?

  Kip, let's talk about Uncommon Goods.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  Are you talking about goods that aren't common?

• 18:43H. Foley?

  No, I'm talking about Uncommon Goods. Oh yeah, I'm talking about the same exact.

• 18:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, we're talking about it.

• 18:46H. Foley?

  I'll tell you what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the holidays coming up. And don't go out and get everybody the same boring crap that you got them last year. What you want to do is go over to Uncommon Goods and get them something they are gonna love.

• 18:57Speaker 03

  Yes. Uncommon, Uncommon Goods has something for everyone, from moms and dads, the kids and teens, from book lovers, to history buffs, diehard football fans, the foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners.

• 19:09H. Foley?

  There you go.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  We all know the big man's got a green thumb.

• 19:12H. Foley?

  Yeah, I do.

• 19:12Speaker 03

  And a brown one. You'll find thousands of gift ideas for those you won't find anywhere else. I just did it, the good folks over at Uncommon Goods gave us a little promo code, you know, try, you know, kick the tires on this thing. I have my nephew's birthday coming up. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. I use Foley's code.

• 19:29H. Foley?

  What? Come on, man!

• 19:30Speaker 03

  Boop, boop, boop, boop. Perfect gift, out the door, how you doing? Sent it right to them. A enjoy from Uncle Kip Marino.

• 19:35H. Foley?

  Nobody wants the same stuff anymore.

• 19:37Speaker 03

  No.

• 19:37H. Foley?

  Go to Uncommon Goods and get something cool, man.

• 19:39Speaker 03

  And listen. Little, "I'm a bad gift giver. Let them do it." They got it. They got all the information from everybody coming to buy gifts. They know, "Hey, this is what's hot, this is what's not." Let them do it. Let them figure it out, because I stink at it. So don't wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush. To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com/AYG. That's uncommongoods.com/AYG for 15% off Uncommon Goods. We're all out of ordinary.

• 20:05H. Foley?

  Kaby, what do you know about Quince?

• 20:06Speaker 03

  I know everything about Quince. I just got a big box of Quince delivered at a new apartment.

• 20:11H. Foley?

  Let me paint you a little picture. Cold mornings, holiday plans. This is when you want a wardrobe that's simple, stuff that looks sharp, stuff that feels good, and things that actually you're gonna wear. And what am I talking about? Talking about Quince.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  Woo! Wait, listen.

• 20:29H. Foley?

  Don't say it. I know what you're gonna say.

• 20:30Speaker 03

  If I drop the words "Mongolian cashmere sweaters" to you, what do you think that runs you?

• 20:36H. Foley?

  I'm unbuckling my belt, I'll tell you that, because that's hot stuff.

• 20:39Speaker 03

  That's 50, I got a $50 Mongolian cashmere sweater that my wife just got two of them. Boom, take that. How do you like them apples, huh?

• 20:48H. Foley?

  Mongolian cashmere.

• 20:50Speaker 03

  Well, you're paying for the quality. Cashmere, very nice, very comfortable, it's good on the skin. They got denim that nails the fit, everyday comfort at a fraction of what you'll expect to pay by partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans. Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost of other high-end brands. So you can give luxury quality pieces without the luxury price tag. We just did all the bed sheets, all the bed sheets, the comforter, the bidet, not the bidets, the duvet. You got the pillowcases, all Quince. Very clean and neat, perfect. Give and get timeless holiday staples this holiday season with Quince. Go to quince.com/garbage for free shipping on your order, 365-day returns.

• 21:32Speaker 03

  Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com/garbage. Free shipping and $365-day returns. Quince.com/garbage. Do it.

• 21:42H. Foley?

  But back to your asthma. Your sports and...

• 21:47Speaker 03

  What? Yeah.

• 21:49H. Foley?

  You know I hear Saquon Barkley has asthma.

• 21:53Speaker 03

  Give me a puff up there. You're breathing like a pug right now. What are you talking about?

• 21:57Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're defying God's will.

• 22:00Speaker 03

  It's like when you dip a pug upside down. They go into a flow state, they just...

• 22:06H. Foley?

  I got the sinuses of a French bulldog.

• 22:10Speaker 04

  And the wrinkles.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  And the skin tags or something on the clearance rack. Not a lot of tags.

• 22:19H. Foley?

  That's pretty good.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Multiple markdowns.

• 22:22H. Foley?

  I didn't know you had an inhaler.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  And I'd have to go, I'd have to go every day to the nurse and take a puffer midday. I would do it as, "I need my, I gotta take a break," and I go

• 22:33Speaker 04

  You had to be supervised with the inhaler? You couldn't just have it on your own?

• 22:36H. Foley?

  Stick it up his ass.

• 22:44H. Foley?

  I'm sure you would take your time getting over there, wouldn't you?

• 22:46Speaker 03

  Oh buddy, I'd swing by the cafeteria, see who's hanging.

• 22:51Speaker 04

  My blood sugar's low.

• 22:52Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  We even tested.

• 22:54Speaker 03

  I got a cookie. I'm taking a bite and a puff at the same time.

• 22:57H. Foley?

  Would you stop at the vending machine?

• 22:58Speaker 03

  We didn't have vending machine. This was elementary school.

• 23:01Speaker 04

  We used to do that to get out of wrestling practice. You'd go in the nurse and be like, "I have a headache, I have to lay down."

• 23:05Speaker 03

  I'm having my period.

• 23:07Speaker 04

  She had these little cots that you'd lay on.

• 23:09H. Foley?

  Go to the nurse's office and get out of wrestling practice?

• 23:11Speaker 04

  Uh huh. You'd say you had a hurt shoulder, she'd massage you. Kinda weird.

• 23:15H. Foley?

  Really?

• 23:16Speaker 04

  Little bit.

• 23:16H. Foley?

  Huh.

• 23:17Speaker 04

  She was great.

• 23:18H. Foley?

  Did you not have vending machines in here? I had vending machines in our, in our elementary school.

• 23:21Speaker 04

  In grade school?

• 23:22Speaker 03

  No, that's a fat ass elementary school.

• 23:24H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, where are you getting the money to put in a vending machine?

• 23:26H. Foley?

  Fucking steal it from Patty. Couple quarters.

• 23:28Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 23:29H. Foley?

  Yeah, get a crimp it.

• 23:30Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 23:31H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 23:31Speaker 03

  No, not at elementary school, we didn't. Uh, junior high, we did, but I don't think you were allowed to use them. They were off until after school.

• 23:38Speaker 04

  Oh, fuck that.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  And then...

• 23:40Speaker 04

  I remember when we got Snapple apple in the vending machine in high school. That was...

• 23:45Speaker 03

  Fucking news was there. Jim Gardner showed up for that.

• 23:47H. Foley?

  Snapple apple, something. Excuse me.

• 23:51Speaker 03

  I was never a Snapple apple kinda, I was never an apple kinda guy.

• 23:53Speaker 04

  No?

• 23:54Speaker 03

  I was Riggs, straight up. Maybe a diet. Didn't like peach.

• 23:58Speaker 04

  Love peach. I love apple. I don't, you don't, I don't peg you for an asthma guy.

• 24:03Speaker 03

  Well then my, I, uh, dude, I mean, I was on-

• 24:05H. Foley?

  What? He's gross. What do you mean?

• 24:07Speaker 04

  He, but he's not like a skinny freak.

• 24:09Speaker 03

  What are you? Skinny freaks don't, listen, I'm not gonna sit here and be besmirched.

• 24:13Speaker 04

  No, you're not like a guy, like Luke, I'd be like, he's still asthmatic.

• 24:17H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  You know? But you, you, you seem more diabetic.

• 24:24Speaker 03

  Anemic, maybe.

• 24:25H. Foley?

  Luke's got scurvy.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm looking at a real winning table over there. Yeah, what are you talking about?

• 24:29Speaker 04

  What? I'm but good bill of health. You look like your last stop is on the Oregon Trail.

• 24:37H. Foley?

  He had stuff all over the table, like you're a joker.

• 24:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 03

  Oh man, that was not a joker.

• 24:44Speaker 04

  Foley is a joker. Wanna know how I got this lard?

• 24:52Speaker 03

  Wanna know where I got these snacks?

• 24:55H. Foley?

  A vending machine.

• 24:57Speaker 03

  Just a little crimpit. I'd steal the quarters from my mother.

• 25:01Speaker 04

  Here's the plan. We steal from Patty.

• 25:09Speaker 04

  Quarters, crimpit.

• 25:10H. Foley?

  The principal comes in, I'm a big pile, sitting on a big pile of crimpits. I ate your half.

• 25:14Speaker 04

  You wanna dress like a nurse? What?

• 25:18H. Foley?

  What'd you dress up for Halloween this year as? Little Mermaid. Ooh. Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, I liked it. I felt real comfortable. Yeah? Makeup, nice. Nice. Yeah. How about you? I'm thirty-nine years old, so I didn't dress up as anything. You're thirty-nine? Forty-nine. Oh, okay. I'm an adult. Yeah. I thought you said thirty-nine. Remember that? I look thirty-nine though, right Luke?

• 25:44Speaker 03

  Winning.

• 25:44H. Foley?

  There you go. It's all the drugs. Keeps me young. It's funny, I was at the endocrinologist's morning, that's why I got the-

• 25:52Speaker 04

  Do you have to check the bags under your eyes when you fly?

• 25:56Speaker 03

  I'm platinum, he's screaming. He's on not up to 70 pounds per bag.

• 26:03H. Foley?

  These are service bags, folks.

• 26:06H. Foley?

  Why, do I have bags? I have bags now.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, emotional support bags?

• 26:09H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 26:10Speaker 03

  I'm certified depressed.

• 26:12H. Foley?

  I've been, I've been really working on them.

• 26:14Speaker 03

  Those are Louis Vuitton.

• 26:16H. Foley?

  Huh?

• 26:16Speaker 03

  Louis Vuitton.

• 26:17H. Foley?

  I got them at Canal Street. They look expensive, though. Wait, really? You can see them? Do I have bed?

• 26:23Speaker 03

  Can see them? I thought it was your, I thought that's what you were going for. They're multiplying.

• 26:27Speaker 04

  It looks like you got wet.

• 26:28Speaker 03

  I have a fucking kid.

• 26:30H. Foley?

  You look like you have four eyes.

• 26:30Speaker 03

  You leave the house twice a week.

• 26:32Speaker 04

  Bully looks like his eyes got...

• 26:33Speaker 03

  You should be the most rested man in the world.

• 26:35Speaker 04

  Bully looks like his eyes got wet after midnight.

• 26:39Speaker 04

  Gremlins, third time I tried to get that out.

• 26:43Speaker 04

  Third time.

• 26:44H. Foley?

  You know what always looks so good?

• 26:46Speaker 03

  Somebody fed that drink, fuck!

• 26:50Speaker 03

  Here we go.

• 26:53H. Foley?

  Yes. No, this isn't happening.

• 26:54Speaker 03

  Luke has a glass eye.

• 26:57H. Foley?

  You have a glass eye?

• 26:58Speaker 04

  No, the guy that sold gizmo.

• 26:59H. Foley?

  Oh.

• 27:00Speaker 03

  Oh my god, you stink.

• 27:01H. Foley?

  Fidget spin.

• 27:05H. Foley?

  Two things. One?

• 27:06Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 27:07H. Foley?

  Where'd you get the Little Mermaid costume?

• 27:10Speaker 04

  That spot on, uh...

• 27:11H. Foley?

  My closet.

• 27:12Speaker 04

  Like 11th and 4th?

• 27:13H. Foley?

  No? 11th and 4th?

• 27:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, next to the goth, the goth store across the street from that big cathedral, you know?

• 27:20Speaker 03

  Masquerade.

• 27:20H. Foley?

  There's a goth store?

• 27:21Speaker 04

  Masquerade, yeah. Yep.

• 27:23Speaker 03

  That's not a goth store.

• 27:24Speaker 04

  No, Halloween Adventure, Halloween Adventure. I did tell them I'd shout them out. Halloween Adventure, give me a discount. Thank you.

• 27:30Speaker 03

  That's Chewie 15.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  Chooey! Yeah, yeah, and...

• 27:35H. Foley?

  Second question.

• 27:35Speaker 04

  Jordan was Lord Triton.

• 27:37H. Foley?

  Oh, very nice.

• 27:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, so it was like a aquatic theme.

• 27:40H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 27:40Speaker 04

  And then for Atel's game show, uh, I was the co-host as a Little Mermaid. Matt Richards was, uh, Chocolate Trump. Sean Patton was a flasher. It was very fun.

• 27:52H. Foley?

  Yeah. The chicken that he gives the gremlins looks really good. It's a deep cut.

• 27:58Speaker 03

  From 10 minutes ago.

• 27:59H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 28:01Speaker 04

  Dude, is that the second thing you wanted to bring up to me? First thing, what were you for all of it?

• 28:06H. Foley?

  That was the first thing.

• 28:08Speaker 04

  Chicken bok bok, chicken bok bok.

• 28:09H. Foley?

  That was the first thing I wanted to bring up, but I didn't want to seem fat by saying it first. But that chicken that he did.

• 28:14Speaker 03

  That fake chicken from 42 years ago, that looked pretty good.

• 28:17H. Foley?

  Who just has a plate of fried chicken sitting in their fridge like that? Remember?

• 28:20Speaker 03

  Movies.

• 28:21Speaker 04

  I really don't remember that.

• 28:23H. Foley?

  That's what they got, that's what they ate.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  You're like a Mr. Skin but for food and movies.

• 28:29H. Foley?

  That's not bad.

• 28:30Speaker 03

  Mr. Potato Skin?

• 28:33H. Foley?

  That's not bad.

• 28:34Speaker 03

  In Gremlins, minute 32, 32 minutes and 15 seconds in, you see a plate of fried chicken.

• 28:39H. Foley?

  I did have an idea to go over, I just don't know if there's enough of them, to have a podcast where you go over food and movies. Like, the Chinese food they have in The Godfather was really good.

• 28:50Speaker 04

  And that's a podcast, folks.

• 28:52Speaker 03

  That's brought to you by BlueChew, gang. Anybody else get hard while watching food and movies?

• 28:57Speaker 04

  Promo code **** by the way, bluechew.com, $5.

• 29:00Speaker 03

  You're stealing our, you're undercutting our fucking erections? I respect that.

• 29:04Speaker 04

  Erections?

• 29:04Speaker 03

  Erections.

• 29:05H. Foley?

  Who does he have?

• 29:06Speaker 03

  He just said BlueChew.

• 29:07Speaker 04

  Who do you have?

• 29:08H. Foley?

  BlueChew.

• 29:08Speaker 04

  You have BlueChew too?

• 29:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, but he said his promo code.

• 29:10Speaker 04

  What's your promo code?

• 29:12Speaker 03

  Uh, garbage?

• 29:13Speaker 04

  No, you said yours.

• 29:15Speaker 03

  We're bleeping yours for sure. And a half of all these jokes.

• 29:20Speaker 03

  Jordan Epperson.

• 29:21Speaker 04

  We gotta give his jokes BlueChew to revitalize those. Too many words.

• 29:26H. Foley?

  How'd you get diagnosed with pneumonia? And what is pneumonia exactly?

• 29:29Speaker 04

  It's like fluid in your lungs. I went to the doctor, I couldn't breathe, I was wheezing, I had a chest cough that like every time, I would just sit there and be like and it felt like a sledgehammer was in my chest. So I go to my walking clinic and they

• 29:43H. Foley?

  Steady your nuts.

• 29:46Speaker 04

  They

• 29:47Speaker 03

  I didn't get it. Wait, nuts on your chest?

• 29:50H. Foley?

  No, it's the sledge, because he likes when somebody hits his nuts with a sledgehammer.

• 29:54Speaker 03

  Okay, alright.

• 29:55H. Foley?

  He's a freak.

• 29:56Speaker 04

  Take a puff. We, I go in and the doctor gives me a chest x-ray and I had a bunch of like junk in there and some water.

• 30:05Speaker 03

  It's a kazoo and a Chinese finger trap.

• 30:07Speaker 04

  And so he said I had bronchitis and pneumonia. And then he'd jam me up with steroids and

• 30:15Speaker 03

  You look bigger.

• 30:15Speaker 04

  antibiotics. Thank you.

• 30:17Speaker 03

  Such a trap. Anybody?

• 30:19Speaker 04

  And then he gave me, and then he gave me a second round because at the tail end you can get sick with the flu. So I'm flying high, man. I just did my last cycle of steroids. Feeling good. I should, you know, inject them, do some lifting. I'd love to get big.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  You're pretty jacked.

• 30:34H. Foley?

  A pretty jacked kid.

• 30:35Speaker 04

  Alright, thanks.

• 30:36H. Foley?

  Minus the pneumonia.

• 30:37Speaker 04

  I was going to the gym all the time. I was boxing and I injured my back again. I had to be on the cane for a minute. I had to stop. I got pneumonia. Every time I make some progress-

• 30:46Speaker 03

  You're like 83 years old. He's got pneumonia and he's back on the cane.

• 30:49Speaker 04

  Dude, I'm gonna be the grandfather from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, just living in a bed. It sucks. I keep getting injured. I think it's because of all the travel.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  We get you out of bed to take you to Skank Fest?

• 31:00H. Foley?

  And start dancing.

• 31:03Speaker 03

  Okay, okay hippie.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  You stink dude.

• 31:09H. Foley?

  Those grandparents were real fucking bummed for that.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  I tried to fuck some fat girl covered in blue.

• 31:12Speaker 03

  He's just faulty.

• 31:15Speaker 03

  He's stuck in a tube. He's got his aunt caught in the vending machine.

• 31:19H. Foley?

  I got into the Sour Patch Kids River.

• 31:21Speaker 04

  Oh my god. Little help here?

• 31:23H. Foley?

  Dude, I don't like this. We're not doing this again.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  No, we're not.

• 31:26H. Foley?

  Luke, go to commercial. And we're back.

• 31:29Speaker 03

  We all just take a breath?

• 31:30Speaker 04

  I am starting to sweat.

• 31:33H. Foley?

  Well, he's just an excitable boy.

• 31:34Speaker 03

  He is. You're a giddy, you're a giddy, giddy little man.

• 31:37H. Foley?

  That's on his website. Whoa, that's freaky. It moves.

• 31:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, Justin Gilman shout out.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  Stop with the shout outs.

• 31:43Speaker 04

  Sorry, sorry. I like, I like when people support me and I support them. Uh, yeah, that's a quote from Warren Zevon, my favorite artist of all time.

• 31:49H. Foley?

  I noticed you didn't reference him there.

• 31:51Speaker 04

  Well-

• 31:52Speaker 03

  Ian Fidance.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  It's a little Easter egg.

• 31:54H. Foley?

  Ian Fidance from the Eagles.

• 31:55Speaker 04

  It used to say, "Enjoy every sandwich." From the what?

• 31:58H. Foley?

  It said Ian Fidance from the Eagles.

• 32:01Speaker 03

  Okay, he didn't like that one.

• 32:03Speaker 04

  Your brain is Don Fried.

• 32:05H. Foley?

  That's not bad.

• 32:06Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 32:07H. Foley?

  Smuggler's Blues.

• 32:08Speaker 04

  Ooh, wow.

• 32:09H. Foley?

  Yeah, Glenn Fry.

• 32:10Speaker 04

  Glenn Fry, fuck.

• 32:12H. Foley?

  Good looking dude back then. I loved him. He was my favorite Eagle.

• 32:15Speaker 04

  Except for Joe Walsh.

• 32:16H. Foley?

  Yeah, but he got, he did his thing.

• 32:18Speaker 04

  He's so good.

• 32:19H. Foley?

  Yeah. He's dead, right?

• 32:20Speaker 04

  Is he dead?

• 32:21H. Foley?

  You touch Joe Walsh?

• 32:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, just died recently, no?

• 32:24H. Foley?

  Sucks.

• 32:24Speaker 03

  His best work was in The Drew Carey Show. Everyone knows that.

• 32:27Speaker 04

  He was in The Drew Carey Show?

• 32:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:29Speaker 04

  No way.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was.

• 32:30Speaker 04

  Joe Walsh, from the Eagles.

• 32:32H. Foley?

  You think it's strange that Kevin-

• 32:33Speaker 03

  The quarterback.

• 32:33H. Foley?

  -had asthma? Some of his television shows as a kid are very odd.

• 32:38Speaker 04

  You strike me as a fan of Coach.

• 32:41Speaker 03

  My dad watched Coach. I didn't hate Coach. I liked Coach. I remember that one where Dobber?

• 32:45H. Foley?

  Dobber.

• 32:46Speaker 03

  Dobber got a car, bought a Porsche that he couldn't afford because the salesperson was hot. Well, he could afford the payments, but he couldn't afford to put gas in it. So they caught him taking the bus. That one I remember.

• 32:55Speaker 04

  Something must have happened when you watched that episode.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, my dad, my dad walked out.

• 33:03Speaker 03

  I said, "Pop, where you going?" Dobber just got the fresh set of wheels.

• 33:09H. Foley?

  You just keep watching the TV. I'll be right back.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  You can tell me more about Dobber when I get back.

• 33:14Speaker 03

  The scrambled eggs are still in the pan, baby.

• 33:17H. Foley?

  Just throwing his clothes in his shopping bag.

• 33:21H. Foley?

  I just gotta go live my life. I'll be back in a couple of days.

• 33:24Speaker 04

  I'm gonna go find Dobber. You wanna meet him, pal?

• 33:27Speaker 03

  I gotta go start another family. You guys stink.

• 33:31H. Foley?

  That was Jerry Van Dyke on the phone. I gotta go. What? Now we're doing this?

• 33:36Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no, Jerry Van Dyke.

• 33:38Speaker 04

  We're not. We're here to support.

• 33:39H. Foley?

  Thank you.

• 33:40Speaker 03

  What else? What other odd TV shows do I have?

• 33:43H. Foley?

  Drew Carey Show, I find strange.

• 33:44Speaker 03

  That was you. Get the ratings on the Drew Carey Show.

• 33:46Speaker 04

  Did you guys ever watch Fantastic Max? The cartoon about the little boy whose toys would come alive and they would go to like the moon every day? He would.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  What are the numbers on the Drew Carey Show?

• 33:59Speaker 04

  Remember Eek the Cat?

• 34:01H. Foley?

  Eek the Cat?

• 34:02Speaker 04

  Eek the Cat.

• 34:03H. Foley?

  I don't know what's made up.

• 34:04Speaker 04

  Eureka's Castle.

• 34:06Speaker 03

  I remember Eureka's Castle.

• 34:07Speaker 04

  That was great.

• 34:07Speaker 03

  I was alright. You were a little... How old are you?

• 34:10Speaker 04

  Forty.

• 34:11Speaker 03

  You're a little old for that kind of humor.

• 34:12H. Foley?

  Same age.

• 34:13Speaker 03

  I was old for it too. Thirty-nine.

• 34:16H. Foley?

  He had asthma.

• 34:17Speaker 03

  I was too busy on my nebulizer.

• 34:20Speaker 03

  They used to hook me up to him with a scuba tank.

• 34:22Speaker 04

  Really?

• 34:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was very bad.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  This kid grew up in an iron lung.

• 34:25Speaker 03

  You guys are making fun of me. It was very bad.

• 34:28H. Foley?

  What did you get asthma from?

• 34:29Speaker 03

  What do you mean? You're born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline. I don't know.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  I was allergic to smoke.

• 34:34H. Foley?

  This is the first case of asthma I've seen induced by dinner rolls.

• 34:37Speaker 04

  I was allergic to smoke as a kid.

• 34:39Speaker 03

  Tyson Chicken asthma?

• 34:40H. Foley?

  Huh?

• 34:41Speaker 04

  I was allergic to smoke as a kid.

• 34:43H. Foley?

  You fixed that, didn't you?

• 34:44Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 34:45H. Foley?

  Showed them.

• 34:46Speaker 04

  You can overcome anything.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  My mom would catch me with cigarettes and break them in half and leave them on.

• 34:52H. Foley?

  Make you eat them?

• 34:52Speaker 03

  I wish. I was starving.

• 34:55Speaker 04

  If I behaved.

• 34:56Speaker 03

  And leave. Smoking kills people with asthma.

• 34:58Speaker 04

  If I behaved around my stepdad's family, my mom would give me a cigarette and a beer when I was in like 7th grade.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  What do you mean if you behaved, if you did well around your step? I didn't know you had a stepdad.

• 35:09H. Foley?

  Yeah, neither did I.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  Short-lived.

• 35:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, they got married. My mom needed our, we had a lot of...

• 35:16Speaker 03

  She needed a car.

• 35:17Speaker 04

  We had a lot of problems and we couldn't afford our medications and so she married a guy that worked for the state to get state benefit health insurance.

• 35:25H. Foley?

  Whoa. Was it an arranged marriage?

• 35:27Speaker 04

  It was like a friendship marriage and then he tried to live in the house, but he stayed in the basement.

• 35:33Speaker 04

  His name was Gardip.

• 35:35Speaker 03

  Really?

• 35:35Speaker 04

  No.

• 35:37H. Foley?

  Wait a minute, hold on. So they didn't, they weren't romantically connected?

• 35:41Speaker 04

  They were for a period, but it didn't work out. I think they gave it a shot, but it was more like, I'm gonna do you a solid. It was like, you know, when someone marries someone for a green card and you're like pals and you try to make it work and then it doesn't work.

• 35:52Speaker 03

  I have no idea what you're talking about. And then you have a kid and try to, they try to do it and then you start watching Coach and...

• 36:01H. Foley?

  Can't be going for the long con.

• 36:04Speaker 03

  I gotta, we gotta really sell this.

• 36:05H. Foley?

  Hold on a second.

• 36:09H. Foley?

  Did he live in the house with you?

• 36:11Speaker 04

  In the basement.

• 36:12Speaker 03

  So things might not have been going great for this guy either.

• 36:15Speaker 04

  He was a good guy and I can recognize that now.

• 36:18H. Foley?

  And it was all just so you could get your medicine.

• 36:19Speaker 04

  Shout out Jim, you're a good guy. Sorry I was shitty.

• 36:22H. Foley?

  What's his promo code?

• 36:25Speaker 03

  Freak Kid.

• 36:26H. Foley?

  Mistake. Freak Kid 15?

• 36:29Speaker 04

  Dude, he, he worked for the Ferris School in Wilmington, Delaware, which is the kids juvenile detention center.

• 36:35Speaker 03

  And that was my safety school.

• 36:37Speaker 04

  Well dude, the threat was like, if you don't behave, we're gonna send you to Ferris, like blah, blah, blah.

• 36:41H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 36:41Speaker 04

  And then he had very much like a...

• 36:44Speaker 03

  And in order to ensure you behaved, they gave you cigarettes and beer at 13 years old.

• 36:48Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm.

• 36:48H. Foley?

  Wait, is this before or after?

• 36:50Speaker 04

  After.

• 36:51H. Foley?

  It would be your reward.

• 36:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:53Speaker 03

  Fucking wind down with a fucking Molson Ice and a fucking cool cigarette.

• 36:59H. Foley?

  That's a hell of a christening, wasn't it, Mike?

• 37:01Speaker 03

  Like a 55-year-old black dude.

• 37:02Speaker 04

  Smoking cool wines in 97.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  Out on the stoop, shee.

• 37:07H. Foley?

  Oh, yeah. Man, you're in-laws, I can't keep up with you.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  You're dabbing your head, woo, god damn it.

• 37:13Speaker 04

  Woo, I ate all my mac and cheese.

• 37:16Speaker 03

  Motherfuckers be talking, yapping.

• 37:19Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:21H. Foley?

  Yelling at me because I took a plate.

• 37:25Speaker 04

  Can a motherfucker take a plate?

• 37:27H. Foley?

  Wait, why would they, what's in?

• 37:29Speaker 04

  Because I was such a misbehaved kid.

• 37:31H. Foley?

  Okay, so if you, but if you're good, we'll give you a beer.

• 37:34Speaker 04

  And a cigarette. What happened?

• 37:35Speaker 03

  Just got stuck in the headphones.

• 37:38H. Foley?

  And you were also, you were also on medication.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  On and off.

• 37:41H. Foley?

  And that was, that's why she married the guy, so you could be on medication.

• 37:44Speaker 04

  And she needed meds too, and she had a lot of, she had, I don't know.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I mean, you'll have to fucking get into her, you know.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  She'd go to the, she had to go to the hospital a lot. Gail, Gail, when, when, when, when you're forty and your kid is a, a nut at eight, and your husband tragically dies, you're gonna have some adverse effects. And so, she had to do a lot of, she had to go up to Philly every week and get like checked out and everything.

• 38:08H. Foley?

  Probably you biting her all the time.

• 38:10Speaker 03

  Fucking petness.

• 38:12Speaker 04

  Are you gonna leave me too, Hank?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Watch this episode of Coach, I'll be back on Monday.

• 38:20H. Foley?

  Gerdip's gonna watch it.

• 38:22Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah.

• 38:24H. Foley?

  So he'd be down in the basement?

• 38:26Speaker 04

  Well, that, that wasn't until high school. He lived separately for a while, and then, they got married when I was a sophomore in high school.

• 38:33H. Foley?

  Did you go to the wedding?

• 38:34Speaker 04

  No, they got married and didn't tell me. They got married at the courthouse, and they didn't tell me so that I'd know, like,

• 38:40Speaker 03

  They didn't wanna, they didn't wanna make you weirder than you already were.

• 38:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, cuz I'm in, I'm in the backpack. Like, don't do it!

• 38:47H. Foley?

  Like the graduate?

• 38:48Speaker 03

  She's crazy! You don't want him to marry her.

• 38:50Speaker 04

  I'm crazy. Uh, but yeah, no, she did it for us, and uh, Yeah, yeah, it was, it was, it was a very sweet thing. Gail's a shit, she's the best.

• 38:59H. Foley?

  Did you have a finished basement?

• 39:00Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah.

• 39:02H. Foley?

  Huh.

• 39:02Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. Yeah.

• 39:03H. Foley?

  So he would sleep down there?

• 39:05Speaker 04

  Well, it's funny, he would sleep down there, and then we,

• 39:07Speaker 03

  Sounds pretty sad of you.

• 39:08Speaker 04

  When I, when I had to move back home, I would sleep in the basement.

• 39:12H. Foley?

  With him?

• 39:13Speaker 04

  Had to toe. No!

• 39:14Speaker 03

  He wasn't there.

• 39:15Speaker 04

  No! And then he slept on the couch upstairs. And uh, yeah, yeah.

• 39:19Speaker 03

  Where's he at now?

• 39:21Speaker 04

  Colorado.

• 39:23H. Foley?

  Detention center.

• 39:25Speaker 03

  Fair is cool for,

• 39:28Speaker 03

  Abuse kids.

• 39:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, but he was real good to my, my grandparents and my family and everything, and I just, You know, you're like a, you're like a stepdad, a stepdad when you're a kid, and you know, you're, you're an asshole. So I was, I was just like a wild child, you know?

• 39:42Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 39:42H. Foley?

  What kind of stuff would you do to him?

• 39:46Speaker 03

  I'd put Smarties in his coffee. The first time I got really drunk, I tried to attack him. Cut his brake line.

• 39:52Speaker 03

  You know, simple stuff. The first time I got really drunk, I tried to tackle him and like fight him. When I was in like, I think 73. Fight me like a man, you're straight. I just remember I-

• 40:04H. Foley?

  You're having sex with my mom. And you should be.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  I don't even think you're really Indian, man. He was Irish.

• 40:13H. Foley?

  I was in the closet that whole time and you guys were just kissing.

• 40:17Speaker 03

  Metaphorically.

• 40:21H. Foley?

  You're mad because he's not begging your mom?

• 40:24Speaker 03

  You guys should just put on- I got nothing.

• 40:28H. Foley?

  Hey, you stink, man.

• 40:29Speaker 03

  No, but they were- I'm so tired. First of all, I've been carrying this fucking episode. They would go- Fuck you.

• 40:35H. Foley?

  Every day he comes in, he's tired.

• 40:36Speaker 03

  They would go to Philly.

• 40:37H. Foley?

  I got bags under my eyes.

• 40:38Speaker 03

  You don't do shit. I'm sorry. Can you put some jokes in those bags?

• 40:46H. Foley?

  Chivers are fake.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  I'm sorry. Me and the guy I married for healthcare are arguing. They took your blood and your timing? I mean, what the fuck?

• 40:56H. Foley?

  That's right. Hey, give me a fucking donut or something. A little orange juice. Kim, let's talk about Chime.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  Chime?

• 41:04H. Foley?

  As you know, baby, life comes at you pretty quick.

• 41:06Speaker 03

  You ain't lying, big man.

• 41:07H. Foley?

  Things start adding up.

• 41:08Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 41:09H. Foley?

  You know what I'm saying? I wish I could go back and tell my younger self, if you're gonna do a little banking, make sure you save your money, make sure you do it right, watch out for bank fees, all that kinda stuff. I'll tell you what I really wish, I could go back and say, hey, I wish I had Chime.

• 41:23Speaker 03

  I know. Listen, if you're out there, this is where Chime comes in. Chime is changing the way people bank. It's hard, listen, it's hard enough to keep a buck as it is. Then you got these big corporate banks-

• 41:34H. Foley?

  Amen.

• 41:35Speaker 03

  -coming after ya.

• 41:36H. Foley?

  Overdraft fees.

• 41:37Speaker 03

  Overdraft fee, uh, monthly statement, not it. Oh, five dollars for this, ten dollars for that, they got their hand in your pocket.

• 41:43H. Foley?

  Mm-hmm.

• 41:44Speaker 03

  Not with Chime. Chime offers the most rewarding, fee-free banking, all with no overdraft fees, no monthly fees, no minimum balances. You get 5% cash back- On the Chime Card in a category of your choice, like gas or groceries, all while building credit through regular, everyday spending. And if you're ever in a pinch, SpotMe lets you overdraft up to $200 fee-free. Look at that. I know I need that, dog. Right now, you can join the millions that are already banking fee-free with America's number-one choice for banking. Head to chime.com/garbage. That's chime.com/garbage. Sign up now. It only takes a few minutes. Do it.

• 42:19Speaker 05

  Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services and Chime Card provided by Chime's Bank Partners. Qualifying direct deposits required. Terms and limits apply. Go to chime.com/disclosures for details.

• 42:31H. Foley?

  Kevin's talking about Shopify.

• 42:32Speaker 03

  Shout out to Shopify.

• 42:34H. Foley?

  Shopify. We love... Listen, let me tell you something, all right? We're shooting you straight.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:39H. Foley?

  We love Shopify.

• 42:41Speaker 03

  We're Shopify family.

• 42:42H. Foley?

  We use Shopify.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  Uh-huh.

• 42:44H. Foley?

  And you know what else? You should be using Shopify.

• 42:46Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:47H. Foley?

  It's 100% easy. It's the... Shopify's the leader in the industry, I would assume.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  Uh-huh. Synergy.

• 42:54H. Foley?

  The best in the biz.

• 42:55Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 42:55H. Foley?

  Shopify.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  Listen, we got a lot of guys out there, a lot of guys and gals out there that are side hustling, running businesses. We got... I mean, people have sent us products. They're fabricators. They're woodworkers, all this stuff. If you're selling your stuff, you can use Shopify. It is so friggin' easy. If you've ever bought merch off AYG...

• 43:12H. Foley?

  Ryan Diesel uses it.

• 43:13Speaker 03

  You've used Shopify. Shopify's point-of-sale system is a unified command center for all your retail business. It brings together in-store and online operations across 100... I'm sorry, across 1,000 locations. You can guarantee shopping is always convenient. You got the endless aisles, ship to customer, buy online, pick up in-store, all made simpler so customers can shop how they want and get your products, baby. Get all the big stuff for your small business right with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.com/garbage. Go to Shopify.com/garbage. One more time, Shopify.com/garbage. First time in a long time they were able to go in my vein up here. They normally shoot him in the back.

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Wait till he gets woozy.

• 44:00Speaker 03

  It's been a long time I didn't have to get tranked. They're following you through midtown with a net. I usually make it about halfway to the elevator.

• 44:07H. Foley?

  Actually, we're gonna have to get you on the machine at the Bronx Zoo.

• 44:14Speaker 03

  That's mean.

• 44:16Speaker 04

  I'm a surgeon.

• 44:17H. Foley?

  They... So you're a surgeon?

• 44:19Speaker 04

  Can you hit... do they hit veins? Cause they have a hard time finding my veins. One time the blood was coming out like molasses. Not good.

• 44:25H. Foley?

  Yikes.

• 44:26Speaker 04

  I know. I'm gonna work on my blood flow. I gotta marry a guy-

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Oh, the cigarettes will help.

• 44:30Speaker 04

  I gotta marry a guy that works for the state.

• 44:31H. Foley?

  How do you know what molasses looks like? Did you ever have molasses?

• 44:34Speaker 04

  You've never heard that? Slower than molasses?

• 44:36H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 44:36Speaker 03

  He hears it every day.

• 44:39H. Foley?

  Want to pour in my molasses?

• 44:39Speaker 04

  Slower than his asses.

• 44:41H. Foley?

  What?

• 44:42Speaker 03

  That's not bad.

• 44:44Speaker 04

  I am right there-

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Slower than my asses?

• 44:45Speaker 04

  Okay, cause you're fat and you walk slow.

• 44:48H. Foley?

  Oh, I'm sorry.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  I think every punchline's been explained so far. I'm getting you guys, but not to the point where you're laughing. You're just going, "That's good."

• 45:01Speaker 03

  Hey, all right, the math on that checks out. That's classic Ian.

• 45:05H. Foley?

  Stop spinning that thing, it's an audio podcast!

• 45:07Speaker 04

  Air, you spin it and you will feel good.

• 45:09H. Foley?

  Let me see. That's pretty cool.

• 45:13H. Foley?

  Alright.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  How did you not think that was gonna happen?

• 45:16Speaker 04

  I was excited to share.

• 45:21H. Foley?

  Yes.

• 45:23H. Foley?

  No.

• 45:23Speaker 03

  What?

• 45:24H. Foley?

  Yeah. Normally they can't go to my arm.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  Why?

• 45:27Speaker 04

  No, why?

• 45:27H. Foley?

  Because they can't find the vein.

• 45:29Speaker 03

  Wow, that's-

• 45:30H. Foley?

  Through all the muscle.

• 45:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what it is.

• 45:33H. Foley?

  So they usually-

• 45:34Speaker 04

  So you got a shoe in your hand like you're living in Kensington?

• 45:36H. Foley?

  They usually go right here.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  You got your feet, you got your fucking toes spread out.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  I know right where it is!

• 45:43Speaker 03

  They're still trying to bur- yeah, I used to play football.

• 45:46H. Foley?

  Wait, I don't gotta suck your dick before you shoot me up?

• 45:48Speaker 04

  Why are you all bent over? I'm tired, leave me alone.

• 45:51H. Foley?

  Um, no, but now, now they can.

• 45:53Speaker 03

  That's great, man.

• 45:54Speaker 04

  That's great!

• 45:55H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  That's fantastic.

• 45:56H. Foley?

  She was really good, too. Right in there.

• 45:57Speaker 04

  Yeah?

• 45:58H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 45:58Speaker 04

  I hate when they miss. Like, I can't find it and they're just jabbing you.

• 46:02H. Foley?

  Pop your vein.

• 46:03Speaker 04

  Oh, god.

• 46:04H. Foley?

  Get a blood clot that way.

• 46:05Speaker 04

  I am covered in tattoos, totally fine, but taking blood, I get scared.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  I, I don't get, I don't have that. I don't get woozy, I don't get lightheaded.

• 46:13Speaker 04

  I don't, I'm, I'm just like, oh, I'm nervous, cause I'm afraid of them missing the vein or popping it open. You get that huge bruise, you know?

• 46:20H. Foley?

  I like the feeling. I like it, I like it.

• 46:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's so non-eventful to, like, there's no positive or negative.

• 46:26Speaker 04

  You don't gotta puff the inhaler, you're nervous?

• 46:29Speaker 03

  Listen.

• 46:29H. Foley?

  What did you, hey, who grow, you don't grow out of asthma?

• 46:31Speaker 03

  Yes, you do. Google it. I had a very bad bit on it when I first started stand-up comedy.

• 46:37Speaker 04

  What was it?

• 46:37H. Foley?

  Please.

• 46:38Speaker 04

  Let's all do, let's all do bad first bits.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  Okay, what are you doing now? Hit me! Um, no, it was something like, "Yeah, yeah, what do you, yeah, I'll grow cancer or some, I don't even know what it was."

• 46:48H. Foley?

  That's pretty good.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  Uh, yeah, you can outgrow asthma.

• 46:53Speaker 04

  Uh, you don't completely outgrow it, Google's saying, but you reduce the symptoms.

• 46:58Speaker 03

  Well, I'll still get it from time to time.

• 47:00H. Foley?

  Really? Like?

• 47:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, you start wheezing, your fucking throat, it's like your throat closes up.

• 47:05H. Foley?

  Yeah. Sex?

• 47:07Speaker 03

  No, the last time it happened, I'm allergic, I might have, I'm allergic to the proteins in vegetable skin.

• 47:12H. Foley?

  I don't believe this either.

• 47:14Speaker 03

  Google that.

• 47:15H. Foley?

  No, he says he's allergic to strawberries.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  In vegetable skin?

• 47:17H. Foley?

  Yeah, it's such bullshit.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  Why is it can't have like a lime?

• 47:19H. Foley?

  Meanwhile, he's sucking down french fries like they're going out of style.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  What about potato skin?

• 47:24H. Foley?

  No problem there.

• 47:25Speaker 03

  I already made a potato skin joke. Listen, there's only room in this town for one of us.

• 47:29Speaker 04

  It was a, it was a callback.

• 47:32H. Foley?

  Yeah, an homage, if you will.

• 47:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, an homage.

• 47:34H. Foley?

  Like a stolen, like a stolen quote from Don Henley.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  You look at the website now, it says he can find it, it's potato skin.

• 47:42H. Foley?

  This guy's good.

• 47:45H. Foley?

  Shout out to Ed Denman, Detroit.

• 47:46Speaker 03

  Shout out to the webmaster.

• 47:49Speaker 04

  Gilman?

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Gilman.

• 47:52H. Foley?

  Shout out to Gilman.

• 47:53Speaker 03

  He doesn't have a computer.

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Gilman does it all at the public library.

• 47:58Speaker 04

  Was it on the board from Good Will Hunting?

• 48:00H. Foley?

  Hey, man, I can't get in the internet cafe until Wednesday.

• 48:05H. Foley?

  I got into a fight with the guy.

• 48:06Speaker 04

  Well, maybe you shouldn't take a one-way ticket to Thailand.

• 48:09H. Foley?

  Ian, ever been to an internet cafe?

• 48:12Speaker 04

  Once, in Malta.

• 48:14Speaker 03

  When you were playing?

• 48:15H. Foley?

  Malta?

• 48:15Speaker 03

  When you were planning 9/11.

• 48:17Speaker 04

  In Malta.

• 48:19H. Foley?

  Got out of flight school.

• 48:22Speaker 04

  Just got down in Florida.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  Dude, I went to one in Queens, I needed to print something for us, like something for like comedy production.

• 48:29H. Foley?

  This is back in the day.

• 48:30Speaker 03

  This is, yeah, not that far back in the day.

• 48:33H. Foley?

  Now we go to the business center, one of the hotels, like a gentleman.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Sure, but I needed to print some sort of contrars, you know, some, some-

• 48:39H. Foley?

  Contract?

• 48:39Speaker 03

  Something. I needed something for comedy, and I went, I Googled internet-

• 48:44H. Foley?

  Is that a set list, maybe?

• 48:46Speaker 03

  No.

• 48:46H. Foley?

  How to do comedy? Step-by-step instruction?

• 48:50Speaker 03

  It was Judy Carter's comedy bible. We're gonna be here a while. 10 cents a page, what?

• 48:57H. Foley?

  They bang you out over there.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  But dude, there was-

• 48:59H. Foley?

  Trying to print a script, it's like $200.

• 49:01Speaker 03

  The, the, the bodega had-

• 49:03H. Foley?

  I'm only making $1.50 on the shoot.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  The bodega.

• 49:09Speaker 03

  That you had a handful of computers in the back. I'm talking like Queens. And the guys on that, I wanted to be like, dude, I gotta call Homeland Security. This is a dicey. Dude, you're sitting next to like the fucking, you know, the produce.

• 49:22H. Foley?

  You guys better be playing Solitaire.

• 49:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, dude, I was like, I was looking around, I'm like, guy, this ain't fucking, this is not on the up and up. Say something, say something.

• 49:31Speaker 04

  I had to print a script. Uh, I did a table read for this movie that went.

• 49:35Speaker 03

  Quit bragging.

• 49:36Speaker 04

  Uh, and I had to print, print a script for this movie called Goblins. And I was a foley biopic. We.

• 49:44H. Foley?

  It's about my skin tags.

• 49:45Speaker 04

  I'm at the Staples, I get the printer and the, and the guy behind the counter is so completely inept at his job. And the line is getting longer, there's an old woman who's like not helping her.

• 49:54Speaker 03

  There's a Staples in New York that cut, the guy does not give a fuck. And you have everybody in there printing like hot, some like important stuff, passport stuff, visa stuff. And they just do not give a fuck.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  We're in line, all making friends about how terrible he is at his job. I finally get the printer. He does not, uh, he does not punch the holes, he just goes, the machine's over there, I can't line it up, that machine's broken, I'm trying to do it. And I go, Jesus Christ.

• 50:19H. Foley?

  Hey, man, this is Goblins. Okay, this is Goblins.

• 50:22Speaker 03

  I got a table read at a Starbucks in 25 minutes.

• 50:25Speaker 04

  I go, I go, Jesus Christ, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. Kills in the line. Turns out a week later, this guy goes on Twitter and tells that story and like tags me and to try to dunk on me. And then all these people quote to me, that actually sounds hilarious.

• 50:40Speaker 03

  How did, wait, how did he know you were Ian Fidance of Goblins fame?

• 50:44Speaker 04

  I am popular.

• 50:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, but how did?

• 50:50H. Foley?

  Also gave him my website.

• 50:52Speaker 04

  I also gave him my card.

• 50:59Speaker 03

  I didn't get it, you stuck, you stuck your tongue out too far.

• 51:02H. Foley?

  I think we broke Ian. What do you have written down over there, by the way, on your phone?

• 51:06Speaker 04

  Uh, my date.

• 51:08H. Foley?

  Oh, you're really ready for the plugs, huh?

• 51:10Speaker 04

  I was on hand earlier. When I'm on it.

• 51:13Speaker 03

  More like on Hinge.

• 51:14H. Foley?

  On Hinge?

• 51:15Speaker 03

  Fuck!

• 51:16Speaker 04

  I was kidding.

• 51:17H. Foley?

  Are you on Hinge?

• 51:18Speaker 04

  I was, but I got off. I can't do it anymore.

• 51:21H. Foley?

  Can't do what anymore?

• 51:22Speaker 04

  Dating, online dating. It's just too much. I'm never home.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  I like to threaten to kill myself in line at Staples. That's how I meet people.

• 51:30Speaker 04

  I like to find them that way.

• 51:31H. Foley?

  Catch more flies with honey, huh?

• 51:32Speaker 04

  Oh, are you also mentally ill?

• 51:35H. Foley?

  You were on Hinge?

• 51:36Speaker 04

  A while ago. I'm no longer on it.

• 51:38Speaker 03

  I got a question. You're no longer on it, that's fine. What other, you know, you're, you're Ian of the...

• 51:44Speaker 04

  What gay apps am I on?

• 51:45Speaker 03

  No, no.

• 51:45Speaker 04

  Just ask it.

• 51:46Speaker 03

  No, we, no.

• 51:47H. Foley?

  H4ly.com.

• 51:48Speaker 04

  Yummy Yum Yums.com.

• 51:50H. Foley?

  Is that one?

• 51:50Speaker 04

  No.

• 51:51Speaker 03

  You wouldn't know. I get fucked up. I like to dance. You don't know the Lollipop Club?

• 51:59H. Foley?

  You know Rudy.

• 52:01Speaker 03

  You know Ian. You know Ian from Staples.

• 52:04Speaker 04

  The Lollipop Club?

• 52:07Speaker 03

  I mean, I didn't write that.

• 52:09H. Foley?

  Don Henley did.

• 52:10Speaker 03

  Joe Walsh.

• 52:13H. Foley?

  That's from Wolf of Wall Street. We always quote that.

• 52:15Speaker 04

  Oh, really?

• 52:15H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 52:16Speaker 04

  I don't remember that.

• 52:17H. Foley?

  When the, when the, when the gay butler...

• 52:18Speaker 04

  I've only seen it on a plane and I fell asleep a lot.

• 52:20H. Foley?

  When they catch the gay butler with all the guys in the house, and then they show up to...

• 52:22Speaker 03

  You've only seen Wolf of Wall Street on a plane?

• 52:25H. Foley?

  When were you on a plane? Con Air?

• 52:28Speaker 04

  Taking my cat.

• 52:29Speaker 03

  He's in the cage.

• 52:31H. Foley?

  Turn it on!

• 52:33Speaker 03

  They call him Lucky Roses 14.

• 52:36Speaker 04

  Why are you throwing me out of the hatch? I haven't died yet.

• 52:39Speaker 03

  Dave Chappelle, get your hands off me.

• 52:42H. Foley?

  Put the money down.

• 52:44Speaker 03

  Um, what, so, in your, in your Hinge pictures, you're no longer on there. I know Ian. I think we know Ian. We've known Ian for a very long time. What famous people do you have in your pictures? Cause you for sure have somebody.

• 52:58Speaker 04

  Uh, me and Brad Williams, cause I'm in a dress.

• 53:00H. Foley?

  You, Shane, and Miles Teller?

• 53:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, guys. I was on SNL.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  Hanging out with my good friend Lorne Michaels the other day.

• 53:07Speaker 04

  Here, these are my, this is my profile.

• 53:12H. Foley?

  Just his asshole.

• 53:14Speaker 03

  Classic Ian picture. I just wanna see the pictures. Alright, Jack, shirtless, smoking a cig, let him know you party.

• 53:19H. Foley?

  Is that what you do? You keep the shirt?

• 53:22Speaker 03

  Brad Williams, you're in a dress, okay, it's fun, you're having a good time.

• 53:25H. Foley?

  Uh huh.

• 53:27Speaker 03

  Uh, you know, peace sign. You and your cat.

• 53:31H. Foley?

  Getting weirder.

• 53:32Speaker 03

  An old guy.

• 53:33H. Foley?

  Who's that guy?

• 53:34Speaker 04

  An old guy wearing a shirt that says, "Can't talk now, I'm eating," and it's a guy going down on a girl.

• 53:39Speaker 03

  It's a picture of a bully.

• 53:43H. Foley?

  And were you successful on there? Did you do well?

• 53:45Speaker 04

  Uh, it was alright. You know, I would talk to people and very rarely meet up, cuz at the end of the night, I'm just tired and people work a 9 to 5. It just doesn't work out. I'm gone every weekend.

• 53:56Speaker 03

  What, is this the beginning of a rom-com? You know, at the end of the night, I'm just spent. I'm a single woman in New York City.

• 54:02Speaker 04

  I left town. I left town to chase my dreams.

• 54:04H. Foley?

  Eat prey crazy?

• 54:05Speaker 04

  A friend from high school died. I went back to the funeral.

• 54:08H. Foley?

  What?

• 54:09Speaker 04

  I found my high school sweetheart.

• 54:10H. Foley?

  Did this happen?

• 54:11Speaker 04

  Yeah. No, it's like a broken plot.

• 54:13Speaker 03

  It just happened.

• 54:14H. Foley?

  Sorry for your loss.

• 54:19Speaker 03

  My fake stepdad died.

• 54:23Speaker 04

  I think he's still alive.

• 54:24Speaker 03

  You don't, you don't keep in touch?

• 54:25Speaker 04

  He sends me like a...

• 54:27H. Foley?

  Used him up, huh?

• 54:28Speaker 04

  No, he sends me like a...

• 54:30Speaker 03

  Invoice?

• 54:31Speaker 04

  A little like picture every holiday, like, "Happy Easter," "Happy St. Patrick's Day."

• 54:35Speaker 03

  I have an ex-stepmom, it's tough to keep an...

• 54:37H. Foley?

  How's the dick look?

• 54:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:39H. Foley?

  It's too good.

• 54:43Speaker 03

  It's rude. It's his stepdad. It's like stepdad.

• 54:45H. Foley?

  Hey, it's a basement dweller. What are you talking about? The guy lived by the dehumidifier. That's not a stepdad.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  It's a fucking sumpump uncle in bed.

• 54:55H. Foley?

  What are you talking about?

• 54:58H. Foley?

  Stepdad throws the ball to you, stuff like that.

• 55:00Speaker 03

  No, he does not. I wanna go on record.

• 55:02Speaker 04

  He tried to. The very first time I met him, he took me to the park I used to go to with my dad to have a catch.

• 55:08H. Foley?

  He kept getting back in the car?

• 55:09Speaker 04

  And that was a bad move.

• 55:12H. Foley?

  Wait, he took you to the park to have a catch with you?

• 55:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:14H. Foley?

  Which your dad used to do.

• 55:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:16H. Foley?

  And what, I'm sure you freaked out?

• 55:18Speaker 04

  Oh, I was not happy.

• 55:19H. Foley?

  Would you get off the leash?

• 55:23H. Foley?

  How you going to the woods after you?

• 55:26Speaker 04

  Just scratching my neck with my back leg.

• 55:28H. Foley?

  Ian saw a groundhog and freaked out.

• 55:30Speaker 03

  He takes him off the leash. Ian stands there all calm for a minute, looking left and right.

• 55:38H. Foley?

  Son of a bitch! Here, you want a cigarette?

• 55:41Speaker 03

  Uh, your mom's gonna kill me. Ian!

• 55:46Speaker 03

  His treats, a beer and a cigarette.

• 55:51Speaker 03

  Shit. She's already mad at me.

• 55:55Speaker 03

  I lost a retarded kid.

• 55:58H. Foley?

  You're humping other dogs.

• 56:00Speaker 03

  Humping other kids.

• 56:01Speaker 04

  We ended up getting along later. Even when I was too drunk to drive, he'd pick me up. He was a good guy.

• 56:06Speaker 03

  I was eight.

• 56:10H. Foley?

  And he worked for the state.

• 56:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:12H. Foley?

  Yeah?

• 56:13Speaker 03

  Let's keep some of those details, uh...

• 56:16H. Foley?

  State of Missouri.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  State of duress.

• 56:22Speaker 03

  State of shock.

• 56:24H. Foley?

  I was trying to throw people off the scent. He worked for State of Missouri, not Delaware, where you live.

• 56:29Speaker 03

  Hey, stop it.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, what, he commute? What are you talking about?

• 56:33H. Foley?

  I'm just trying so people don't, can't figure this guy out.

• 56:37Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 56:37H. Foley?

  I mean, he's probably on a short list in Colorado.

• 56:39Speaker 04

  Thank you, McCaffey.

• 56:41H. Foley?

  Who's McCaffey?

• 56:42Speaker 04

  A virus protector guy.

• 56:45H. Foley?

  He's dead, right?

• 56:45Speaker 04

  McAfee. What'd I say?

• 56:47Speaker 03

  McAfee.

• 56:47Speaker 04

  McAfee? Whatever. Tomato, tomato.

• 56:51H. Foley?

  What?

• 56:52Speaker 04

  Tomato, potato.

• 56:54H. Foley?

  No, tomato, tomato. Tomato, potato are two different things.

• 56:57Speaker 04

  I said tomato, tomato was a joke.

• 56:58H. Foley?

  Oh.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  I don't know why, but it...

• 57:01H. Foley?

  Some kind of comedian, huh?

• 57:03H. Foley?

  Kevin said you were some kind of comedian.

• 57:07Speaker 03

  I didn't believe him. Thought you were a newsman.

• 57:11Speaker 04

  Well, I certainly hope I pass the audition.

• 57:15H. Foley?

  Did you meet Lorne Michaels, by the way?

• 57:17Speaker 04

  No. No.

• 57:19Speaker 03

  I did go through his desk drawer.

• 57:21Speaker 04

  Me and Shane. God likes popcorn. I got a kernel right here.

• 57:27H. Foley?

  A nickel plated.

• 57:28Speaker 03

  They're wearing his shoes.

• 57:30Speaker 04

  Hello, I'm Lorne.

• 57:34Speaker 04

  No, we walked in, I'm with Shane, and then Lorne is sitting at a table by himself. And he looks at Shane, and then Shane goes to sit.

• 57:44Speaker 04

  You work for the state? I need medicine! And I just go to Shane, I go, "I'm out of here." He goes, "Good idea." I just like went and tried to get, Che gave me some chicken skewers and I just left.

• 57:56H. Foley?

  Sounds like you're doing well.

• 57:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was alright.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  Find a free meal anywhere.

• 58:01Speaker 04

  I love.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Are you talking about those chicken skewers?

• 58:03Speaker 04

  I love bebopping around.

• 58:05H. Foley?

  Sit through an hour and a half show for some popcorn drip.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  Dude, I, oh my god. There was, they had ice cream and everything, and I went to go get it, and the guy was like, "Ice cream's done." I go, "Oh man, I just missed it." He goes, "I'm gonna kill myself!"

• 58:20Speaker 03

  Here's my card.

• 58:20Speaker 04

  He goes, "Look, I'mma throw it out, so take what you want." I was like, "Alright." So I filled up this big coffee cup with ice cream.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  Do you have any dry ice on hand?

• 58:27Speaker 04

  Dude, he goes, "Take the whipped cream, take the chocolate, it's getting thrown out, or it's going in your belly."

• 58:34H. Foley?

  Well, my, my, my three imaginary friends here would also like ice cream.

• 58:39Speaker 04

  Fully wonderful, too.

• 58:43H. Foley?

  Cut that.

• 58:47H. Foley?

  Okay.

• 58:48Speaker 03

  Well, you know.

• 58:52Speaker 03

  We tried.

• 58:53Speaker 04

  Why, this was a good success!

• 58:55Speaker 03

  I'm kidding, Ian, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

• 58:57H. Foley?

  Having a good time.

• 58:57Speaker 03

  Having a great time.

• 58:58H. Foley?

  Yeah.

• 58:59Speaker 03

  I, um...

• 58:59H. Foley?

  We love you. You've been very helpful to me over the last couple of weeks, you know, you've been a good friend.

• 59:03Speaker 04

  You're very sweet.

• 59:04Speaker 03

  That's very sweet, I'm glad you two have united against me to take me down.

• 59:09Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 59:09H. Foley?

  Me and Ian linking up? They'll be blowing the bridges.

• 59:13Speaker 03

  The last thing I need.

• 59:14Speaker 04

  Someone's getting asthma again.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  All things are set up. And I am allergic to the skin of produce.

• 59:21H. Foley?

  Oh, man!

• 59:26Speaker 04

  Just condensed air.

• 59:27Speaker 03

  No, it's not. It's medicine. It's albuterol. Albuterol.

• 59:30Speaker 04

  What is albuterol?

• 59:31Speaker 03

  It's a medicine, you idiot. If it was air, they'd call it air. It's a linebacker for the Dolphins. I have it. No, it's medicine. You're supposed to take it like no more than Is that what you think it is, just air?

• 59:40Speaker 04

  I thought it was compressed air.

• 59:41Speaker 03

  No.

• 59:42Speaker 04

  You should give me oxygen.

• 59:43Speaker 03

  No.

• 59:44Speaker 04

  The fuck's albuterol?

• 59:44Speaker 03

  Medicine. Yeah.

• 59:46Speaker 04

  Have I been taking too much medicine?

• 59:47Speaker 03

  Probably. You think?

• 59:48Speaker 04

  Shit. Whatever. Medicine's good.

• 59:51Speaker 03

  I took it every day of my life. Look how I turned out. Your glasses are nervous. What do you mean you've been taking too much medicine?

• 59:57Speaker 03

  Your mustache is writing a suicide note.

• 1:00:01Speaker 03

  Dear soup. Your two front teeth killed themselves. Get it? Because they're dead.

• 1:00:06Speaker 04

  I did have a dead tooth. I'm doing really well. I replaced my teeth.

• 1:00:09Speaker 03

  You opened up and went back. That thing is black on the back. Back in black!

• 1:00:14Speaker 04

  I hit the sack!

• 1:00:18Speaker 04

  The dead has screwed me. I said, "I'm coming back."

• 1:00:20Speaker 03

  Fucking ACDC over there.

• 1:00:21Speaker 04

  It was a dirty deed done to a sheep.

• 1:00:24Speaker 03

  Always got big bowl.

• 1:00:28Speaker 03

  I gotta wrap it up. What? I hate that you do that, like I'm the one ending this. I wanted to make fun of his teeth a little more.

• 1:00:34Speaker 04

  Did you ever, did you ever, did you ever?

• 1:00:36Speaker 03

  Don't get me started on the bottoms. Yeah.

• 1:00:41Speaker 04

  Looks like an earthquake in a graveyard.

• 1:00:43Speaker 03

  You've got two that are ducking the draft back there, hiding behind the other ones.

• 1:00:47Speaker 04

  I know.

• 1:00:48Speaker 03

  One's burning its draft ticket.

• 1:00:51Speaker 04

  Ian5dance.com for my ticket so I can replace my bottom teeth.

• 1:00:54Speaker 03

  And then Invisalign.com for free estimate.

• 1:00:56Speaker 04

  I think we're gonna replace a couple of these.

• 1:00:58Speaker 03

  At least take a couple out. They look good. They look good. Nothing on that. That was gold, Jerry. Got shark's teeth.

• 1:01:08Speaker 03

  Flip up.

• 1:01:10Speaker 04

  We got shark eyes.

• 1:01:12Speaker 03

  All black. And whale skin.

• 1:01:15Speaker 04

  Well, wait.

• 1:01:17H. Foley?

  Don't forget my small penis. What?

• 1:01:20Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, fuck!

• 1:01:23H. Foley?

  Ian, where you gonna be? You got, uh, Bein Ian with Jordan.

• 1:01:26Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:01:26H. Foley?

  Very popular, very fantastic, uh, comedy podcast.

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  Yes. Uh, DC at the end of November, Minneapolis the following week in December. December 31st, two shows, San Diego, American Comedy Company, Denver Comedy Works, January 8th to 10th, Valentine's Day, Portland, Maine, and then Portland, Oregon.

• 1:01:42Speaker 03

  It's working!

• 1:01:43H. Foley?

  It's working, baby.

• 1:01:44Speaker 04

  I'm on the road every fucking week. I'm loving it, having a blast, and, uh, Youtube.com slash Ian Fidance Comedy to get Ian doing odd guy doing odd jobs, plus stand-up every other day. Partnering and produced by YMH. Shout out Tommy, shout out the guys over there, you're great, I appreciate it.

• 1:02:03H. Foley?

  Christina.

• 1:02:04Speaker 04

  We're having fun. Christina, Zolo, all of them down there.

• 1:02:08H. Foley?

  The whole squad down there, the best.

• 1:02:09Speaker 04

  The whole squad is fantastic. We had a good time on that show for ad week.

• 1:02:13Speaker 03

  Oh, I bombed.

• 1:02:14Speaker 04

  It was tough.

• 1:02:15Speaker 03

  You did. Well, you, you, listen, he said, he's texting me, he also bombed, and then people started doing good and he changed the narrative that he did good. He really fiedance the shit out of that crush.

• 1:02:23H. Foley?

  I heard Foley killed.

• 1:02:25Speaker 04

  Foley?

• 1:02:28Speaker 04

  Did okay.

• 1:02:29H. Foley?

  Whoa.

• 1:02:30Speaker 04

  No, you did great.

• 1:02:30H. Foley?

  I'll let him know.

• 1:02:31Speaker 04

  You closed it out, right?

• 1:02:33H. Foley?

  I did.

• 1:02:34Speaker 04

  Yeah. That was, that was tough, cause Yanis and Chris went up together, and then like leveled the place, and then a bunch of people left. And then you closed it out strong, it was great.

• 1:02:42H. Foley?

  Thanks.

• 1:02:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, it was cool, we were all on the poster together. Isn't that neat?

• 1:02:46H. Foley?

  Like, back in the day, we'd do posters together, remember, huh?

• 1:02:49Speaker 04

  Yeah!

• 1:02:49H. Foley?

  You and me.

• 1:02:50Speaker 04

  Remember Paul Goodman's Applebee's New Year's Eve 2011?

• 1:02:53Speaker 03

  No, I wasn't, I wasn't.

• 1:02:54H. Foley?

  Kevin wasn't on that show.

• 1:02:55Speaker 03

  I wasn't asked to do that show, and I love eating good at a neighborhood. Everyone knows that about me.

• 1:02:59Speaker 04

  Oh, yes. Speaking of teeth, maybe I should go to Paul Goodman.

• 1:03:02H. Foley?

  I don't think you'd return your call.

• 1:03:03Speaker 03

  Tom Cassidy asked me, he goes, "I'm gonna hit on Paul Goodman, since you haven't talked to him in fucking 15 years."

• 1:03:08H. Foley?

  Guy's probably retired, got a family.

• 1:03:10Speaker 04

  That is crazy. Oh yeah, WMMR, Cook Up For Hunger.

• 1:03:13H. Foley?

  There you go.

• 1:03:14Speaker 03

  Camp Out For Hunger.

• 1:03:14H. Foley?

  Camp Out For Hunger.

• 1:03:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, November 11th.

• 1:03:16H. Foley?

  You're working, you're doing your thing.

• 1:03:18Speaker 04

  Working, doing my thing.

• 1:03:19H. Foley?

  You got big plans for the holidays?

• 1:03:20Speaker 04

  Uh, I'm gonna go see my mom for the day, and, uh, then I, and my buddy is gonna come up, who, uh, we, I bring him on the road sometimes, we hang out, he's gonna come up, and then, I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas. You guys have plans?

• 1:03:34H. Foley?

  Ah, I'm sick.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  I'm at the American Comedy Company.

• 1:03:40H. Foley?

  Yeah, we'll be, uh, we'll be, uh, out of town.

• 1:03:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, you know, we should go on like a vacation together. That'd be so fun. Ski lodge? Skiing? You wanna ski?

• 1:03:48Speaker 03

  I can't ski no more.

• 1:03:49Speaker 04

  Why?

• 1:03:50H. Foley?

  He's got fucking sports-induced asthma.

• 1:03:53Speaker 03

  I fell and hurt myself very bad.

• 1:03:55Speaker 04

  A bunch of us used to go on skiing trips. We'd play, uh, Salt Lake City, um, Wise Guys on a Sunday. Three shows and use all that money to get a Airbnb and ski.

• 1:04:05Speaker 03

  I'm sure Ian did not like that. Someone else allocating the funds.

• 1:04:09Speaker 04

  Showed up and they had no choice. You don't ski?

• 1:04:13H. Foley?

  Nah, I sled.

• 1:04:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, you do.

• 1:04:16H. Foley?

  I did.

• 1:04:16Speaker 04

  Uh, it's the best. I love skiing. You don't ski?

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  Are you talking? I can't tell with your cross eyes. I'm looking at.

• 1:04:21Speaker 04

  I'm talking to Luke.

• 1:04:24Speaker 03

  Talking to the viewers.

• 1:04:25H. Foley?

  Talking to the new guy, Mark.

• 1:04:27Speaker 04

  Shout out, Mark!

• 1:04:30Speaker 04

  You don't ski? Can't believe it.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  I snowboarded for a very long time.

• 1:04:32H. Foley?

  I'm 400 pounds, do I ski?

• 1:04:34Speaker 04

  You'll fucking bomb the mountain, brother.

• 1:04:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, right. Take out the whole village.

• 1:04:39Speaker 03

  Fucking have to, have to re-

• 1:04:41Speaker 04

  Geronimo!

• 1:04:41H. Foley?

  Hey, we just fucking put that Christmas tree up, you fat bastard.

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  Have to redo the lodge.

• 1:04:47H. Foley?

  What do you got for him, Kip?

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  What? I'll be a Jack Frost and a big bowler.

• 1:04:51H. Foley?

  December 13th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It's our biggest show ever. Want everybody in the tri-state to come out and see the boys at the Met.

• 1:04:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:58H. Foley?

  Ian, we love you.

• 1:04:59Speaker 04

  I love you.

• 1:05:00H. Foley?

  Congratulations. Thank you for the gifts.

• 1:05:02Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 1:05:02Speaker 03

  And maybe a little guest appearance by Ian at the December 13th show.

• 1:05:06Speaker 04

  Oh my god! That would be amazing!

• 1:05:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, tickets are available at areyougarbage.com.

• 1:05:11Speaker 04

  That would be so-

• 1:05:12Speaker 03

  No, I'm saying you can buy it and show up to the show.

• 1:05:15Speaker 04

  I would like to not do that.

• 1:05:20Speaker 04

  I love you guys. You're the best.

• 1:05:21H. Foley?

  Love you, pal. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace!