Kara Swisher asks about artificial intelligence

The brilliantly handsome Kara Swisher asks a tech-y question, plus Fortune has had a drink, "pun"ties, and the announcement of the Handsome Hotel Room Challenge! Handsome is hosted by Tig Notaro, Mae Martin, and Fortune FeimsterFollow us on social media @handsomepodMerch at handsomepod.com http://handsomepod.com/Watch Handsome on YouTube http://youtube.com/@handsomepodThis is a Headgum https://headgum.com/ podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter https://x.com/headgum, Instagram https://www.instagram.com/headgum/, and Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@headgum. Advertise on Handsome https://gumball.fm/shows/handsome via Gumball.fm http://gumball.fm/. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  This is a HeadGum Podcast.

• 0:04Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking whether I brought my sunglasses before driving west at the end of the day? A learning moment. I'm gaining confidence in my driving, but it helps when I'm not blinded by the sun beaming directly into my eyeballs.

• 0:18Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 0:35Mae Martin?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking the program before sitting down to enjoy a school play? I'm in shambles. Turns out there's no intermission during this three-hour Shakespeare adaptation, and I really need to go to the bathroom. Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Handsome is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online with a handy, handsome website you can be proud of and show off to all your friends, clients, and loved ones. With Squarespace, you can scale up your business, claim your domain, and showcase your offerings

• 1:19Mae Martin?

  with a premium, professional website.

• 1:21Fortune Feimster?

  With Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you can build a gorgeous online presence that perfectly fits your brand or business. Their SEO tools help your ideal audience find you. Since every dream needs a domain, Squarespace makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair, all-inclusive price. No hidden fees, no required add-ons. Squarespace offers countless extras like built-in donation tools for fundraising, and online payments and invoicing to help you get paid on time. Squarespace makes it easy. So easy, we even made a handsome website ourselves in less than 20 minutes.

• 1:53Mae Martin?

  So what are you waiting for? Get started on your dream website today. Head to Squarespace.com/handsome for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HANSOME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

• 2:11Mae Martin?

  Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

• 2:16Tig Notaro?

  Cheers.

• 2:18Fortune Feimster?

  Woo, welcome to the handsome pod. I'm your handsome host Fortune Feimster.

• 2:23Mae Martin?

  And I'm one of the other two, Mae Martin.

• 2:26Tig Notaro?

  And it's me, your good friend Tig Notaro.

• 2:31Mae Martin?

  Yes, yes.

• 2:32Fortune Feimster?

  We did it.

• 2:34Tig Notaro?

  We did it. We're doing it. Fortune is on a couch I don't recognize.

• 2:40Fortune Feimster?

  Looks like a gold, the couch from the Golden Girls.

• 2:43Mae Martin?

  Yeah, like that.

• 2:44Fortune Feimster?

  Which I'm actually wearing this shirt. I didn't even think about it. Oh, my God.

• 2:48Mae Martin?

  Oh, a Golden Girls shirt.

• 2:50Fortune Feimster?

  I'm wearing a Golden Girls shirt and I'm in a room that is reminiscent of their Lanai.

• 2:57Tig Notaro?

  It's a Golden Girls shirt, but it's in a design of the band Queen.

• 3:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, it says Queens.

• 3:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it says Queens, but it's like the old Queen album cover.

• 3:09Mae Martin?

  Sometimes I think like that's the way to make a fortune is just design T-shirts of pop culture. Sell them online, made to order. So I'll be doing that moving forward.

• 3:18Fortune Feimster?

  And watch your money come rolling in.

• 3:23Tig Notaro?

  Do you really think that's the way? I mean, I'm not saying it's not, but do you think that is the golden ticket? Because.

• 3:30Mae Martin?

  Well, I saw online.

• 3:32Tig Notaro?

  Don't we sell merch? Don't we sell T-shirts?

• 3:35Mae Martin?

  We sell merch.

• 3:35Tig Notaro?

  And don't we still have jobs?

• 3:37Fortune Feimster?

  We sell merch and we get the not much of it.

• 3:41Mae Martin?

  It's not that lucrative, but I did see a get rich quick thing online that was like you get, you design a coloring book, but you don't even have to, you just go with AI or something. You get like an outline of a cat or something. Then you sell it on Amazon for four bucks and then it's print to order and just watch that money come rolling in.

• 3:58Tig Notaro?

  I'm gonna do that and I'm going to let you know how much money I'm making.

• 4:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 4:04Fortune Feimster?

  Please keep us posted.

• 4:06Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 4:06Fortune Feimster?

  The only problem with your T-shirt Fortune is that the actual T-shirts aren't cheap.

• 4:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, my T-shirt Fortune. You mean like.

• 4:14Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, it's confusing when Fortune says T-shirt Fortune.

• 4:18Fortune Feimster?

  But your Fortune, if you want a quality tee to sell people, those aren't cheap. So already your profits cut in half, right there.

• 4:29Mae Martin?

  You're so right. You're right.

• 4:30Tig Notaro?

  May doesn't think about that stuff. May read something online. Hear me out.

• 4:37Tig Notaro?

  You clearly don't understand. May came across something online that said, get rich.

• 4:42Mae Martin?

  Rich, quit. It was a headline and I didn't even read the bulk of the article.

• 4:46Tig Notaro?

  Didn't even click on it. Yeah. Why would you?

• 4:48Fortune Feimster?

  Sold.

• 4:49Mae Martin?

  I don't get bogged down in the details.

• 4:51Tig Notaro?

  You saw a picture of somebody selling T-shirts.

• 4:53Mae Martin?

  Exactly. Like a stock image of a smiling woman counting her money. And I was like, that could be me.

• 5:01Tig Notaro?

  Oh my god.

• 5:02Fortune Feimster?

  I don't want to make you guys jealous, but I'm actually in the Caribbean. Look at that.

• 5:06Mae Martin?

  Oh my god, look at that. If you're on YouTube, Fortune is showing a beautiful.

• 5:13Fortune Feimster?

  Palm trees and water. Yeah, man.

• 5:16Tig Notaro?

  I mean, what if you were in the Caribbean and you weren't near palm trees or water? Would you ask for your money back? Would you move hotels?

• 5:25Fortune Feimster?

  It would be weird considering I'm on an island.

• 5:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, just facing the middle of the island.

• 5:31Fortune Feimster?

  There's no water in sight.

• 5:33Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 5:33Tig Notaro?

  No pool at the hotel.

• 5:35Fortune Feimster?

  I'm here just for a couple of days to relax and it's Jax's birthday.

• 5:40Mae Martin?

  Happy birthday, Jax.

• 5:42Fortune Feimster?

  Happy birthday, Jax.

• 5:44Tig Notaro?

  Happy birthday.

• 5:46Mae Martin?

  Uh oh, it's getting sexy.

• 5:49Fortune Feimster?

  I've drank a lot of frozen drinks.

• 5:52Mae Martin?

  Really? Margaritas?

• 5:54Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Uh, no, we're in the Caribbean, my friend, so I'm drinking a rum. Come on now.

• 6:03Tig Notaro?

  Now, some people say Caribbean and Caribbean.

• 6:07Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I never know.

• 6:09Fortune Feimster?

  Pirates of the Caribbean and Curly in the Caribbean.

• 6:14Tig Notaro?

  And then, but also, what's his name? Billy Ocean, who sings Caribbean Queen.

• 6:21Mae Martin?

  He says Caribbean.

• 6:25Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know. I guess it's tomato, tomato, right?

• 6:28Tig Notaro?

  That's a good tune, by the way.

• 6:30Fortune Feimster?

  I've never.

• 6:34Fortune Feimster?

  I don't know the words.

• 6:36Mae Martin?

  Two against one.

• 6:36Tig Notaro?

  You don't know that song?

• 6:37Mae Martin?

  I don't think I do. Wait, the melody sounds similar, sounds familiar, but I definitely, yeah.

• 6:45Fortune Feimster?

  You might have, you might recognize it if you hear it without taking a singing it.

• 6:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 6:51Tig Notaro?

  We'll let Fortune just take a solo. Two, three, and.

• 6:55Fortune Feimster?

  But I don't know the words.

• 7:02Tig Notaro?

  Caribbean queen, now we're sharing the same thing.

• 7:06Fortune Feimster?

  Swear to God.

• 7:07Tig Notaro?

  And our hearts will beat as one.

• 7:08Fortune Feimster?

  Never knew those were the words.

• 7:09Tig Notaro?

  No more love on the run.

• 7:12Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, okay. Had no clue, zero clue those were the words.

• 7:16Tig Notaro?

  God, I'm alone in this world.

• 7:18Mae Martin?

  Now Tig, you're, you're having a little glass of water there and you're in.

• 7:23Tig Notaro?

  Yep.

• 7:24Mae Martin?

  Where are you?

• 7:25Tig Notaro?

  I'm over here hydrating in Toronto.

• 7:29Mae Martin?

  I'm in Toronto and how do you handle the cold? You got a good coat?

• 7:32Tig Notaro?

  I have a decent coat, but what I.

• 7:36Tig Notaro?

  What I do is I stay inside.

• 7:38Fortune Feimster?

  Right. That's good.

• 7:41Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 7:41Fortune Feimster?

  Not me.

• 7:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, I know, Fortune.

• 7:44Fortune Feimster?

  I should have brought a daiquiri with me for the pod. God dang it.

• 7:49Tig Notaro?

  What time is it where you are?

• 7:51Fortune Feimster?

  Five o'clock somewhere.

• 7:53Tig Notaro?

  It's 2:14.

• 7:58Tig Notaro?

  How early do you start getting going on the, on the drinks?

• 8:02Fortune Feimster?

  I started today at 1:00 PM.

• 8:05Tig Notaro?

  Wait, you've, you, you have alcohol in you now?

• 8:08Mae Martin?

  Oh, this.

• 8:12Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie, you are.

• 8:14Fortune Feimster?

  I have one.

• 8:15Tig Notaro?

  You're crunk on the. You're crunk on the pod.

• 8:20Mae Martin?

  This might be a first. This is a first for the handsome pod.

• 8:23Fortune Feimster?

  I'm not drunk. I'm just.

• 8:24Tig Notaro?

  Yes, you are.

• 8:25Fortune Feimster?

  I had a little.

• 8:27Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my God.

• 8:30Tig Notaro?

  I knew something was a little different. Fortune is trashed.

• 8:34Fortune Feimster?

  No, I'm not trash. I'm just happy.

• 8:39Tig Notaro?

  You have flushed cheeks.

• 8:41Fortune Feimster?

  That's sunburn, my friend. Hmm.

• 8:43Tig Notaro?

  That is.

• 8:44Fortune Feimster?

  I've been wearing, I've been lathering up, but you know.

• 8:46Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and you're, you're a fair delicate flower.

• 8:50Fortune Feimster?

  I sure am. Thank you for pivoting from pale.

• 8:53Tig Notaro?

  My friend bought a package, like a vacation package for her and her boyfriend years ago. Like probably 92, 93. And she and her boyfriend broke up, so she asked if I wanted to go with her.

• 9:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 9:08Tig Notaro?

  And we went to the Bahamas.

• 9:11Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, my God.

• 9:11Tig Notaro?

  And, and it was off season, which is why the package was so cheap.

• 9:17Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, what does that even mean?

• 9:19Tig Notaro?

  It's like, not a good time to go. It was scorching hot, like where you can't even be outside. Like, people don't go at this time of year that we went. And she had a heart-shaped bed. And there were, um, there were rose petals and like, the toilet was, and, and the shower bathtub were all like, in view of the bed. Like, you couldn't possibly be away from your lover, like, for that long. And it was, we were, uh, also, this is so, you know, when you go on a vacation, they're like, oh, you get a free meal if you go look at, um, properties or...

• 10:04Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah, a timeshare.

• 10:05Tig Notaro?

  A timeshare.

• 10:07Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:07Tig Notaro?

  And then at the end of the, the, the day, and seeing all the different timeshares, you get a free dinner. So we did that, too. And, um, yeah, we wanted to put together a brochure for the Bah- the Bahamas offseason. Because we were fried, we were burnt to a crisp, nothing was open, or we couldn't do anything. So that was, um, that was my big beach vacation years ago.

• 10:35Fortune Feimster?

  I love it. I once, um, got dumped, and it was right near Valentine's. So my best friend and I decided to go to a hotel to hang out with my cousin, uh, that night. And to meet him for dinner, and we were gonna stay at a hotel in San Diego. And the room was like, way more romantic than either of us would have assumed. So we went to the grocery store and, and bought, um, some Calgon, um, bubble bath. And we got in our swimsuits and got in the bathtub together.

• 11:10Mae Martin?

  This is, I love this. No, fortunate.

• 11:13Tig Notaro?

  And this is with your cousin?

• 11:15Fortune Feimster?

  Not with my cousin. We had dinner later with my cousin. But after dinner. My friend Andrea, who listens to the pod. Shout out Andrea.

• 11:24Mae Martin?

  Hi Andrea.

• 11:24Fortune Feimster?

  And we laughed so hard about how sad we both were because she was going through a breakup too. And we just cried laughing in this bathtub in our bathing suits about being sad. And that night, that night when we were going to meet my cousin for dinner, people were like, recognizing me and being like, hey, how are you? And I'd be like, I'm sad.

• 11:48Fortune Feimster?

  And everyone was like, oh, oh, cool.

• 11:51Tig Notaro?

  Comedians aren't supposed to have off days.

• 11:56Mae Martin?

  There's something about the two adult friends taking a bath together is so funny. And my best friend Gabby, who I think I told you when I was sad, she ran naked across the room. So I just was in Toronto and I had a hotel room while I was there. And so she came over and she was like, can we take a bath? And I didn't have my bathing suit or anything. So I was like, no, I'm good, dude. And she was like, I'm, I'm gonna take one. And so then she got naked in the bath. And I just sit and keep her company. But it was very surreal and she loves to take a bath together and it really makes me laugh.

• 12:27Tig Notaro?

  And you never have taken a bath with her?

• 12:29Mae Martin?

  I have been in our bathing suits and it's become a thing now that she always wants to. Cause it is very joyful. It's just like being in a hot tub and you're a couple of babies, you know?

• 12:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 12:39Mae Martin?

  Aww. Should we take a bath together? Should we put it on the list?

• 12:44Mae Martin?

  It's gotta be a big bathtub.

• 12:45Tig Notaro?

  Thomas runs the bath and puts the bubbles in for us. Sets our towels out.

• 12:51Fortune Feimster?

  Can you go buy some Calgon bubble bath and so we can say, Calgon, take me away?

• 12:57Speaker 04

  I would be happy to.

• 12:58Tig Notaro?

  Does anyone buy Calgon anymore?

• 13:01Fortune Feimster?

  You remember the commercials, Calgon, take me away?

• 13:03Tig Notaro?

  Of course. I just have not heard that since 1978.

• 13:08Fortune Feimster?

  Well, listen, we were in a pinch. We were both sad. We needed bubble bath. And it's what was available.

• 13:14Tig Notaro?

  I, I'm not judging. I just have, I, I, it has been a long time since anybody has ever mentioned Calgon.

• 13:22Mae Martin?

  I know it from the Mariah Carey song. The lyrics are, shake it off just like the Calgon commercial. Wait, what is happening Fortune?

• 13:30Tig Notaro?

  Fortune is drunk.

• 13:32Mae Martin?

  Drunk.

• 13:35Tig Notaro?

  Fortune has on little tiny underwear, under, under panties, panties. And it's showing off.

• 13:44Fortune Feimster?

  Showing off her gams.

• 13:46Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 13:47Fortune Feimster?

  Hold on.

• 13:48Tig Notaro?

  Oh.

• 13:49Fortune Feimster?

  You guys have to see these.

• 13:50Tig Notaro?

  We need to cut this episode short.

• 13:53Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my god.

• 13:53Tig Notaro?

  And you need to sleep this off.

• 13:57Fortune Feimster?

  Look at my gams.

• 13:58Tig Notaro?

  I think I saw your privates, Fortune.

• 14:00Fortune Feimster?

  Oh my god.

• 14:01Tig Notaro?

  Did you?

• 14:04Tig Notaro?

  Well, I don't know. I don't know. We'll have to go back to YouTube and see if we can, like a, like a football play. If we can circle Fortune's privates.

• 14:13Fortune Feimster?

  I wanted to show you my legs, because I don't get to show them off enough. And when you're in the Caribbean,

• 14:19Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 14:20Fortune Feimster?

  It's become Caribbean now. No, they're looking good.

• 14:23Tig Notaro?

  But you interrupted May's story.

• 14:24Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I'm sorry, May.

• 14:26Tig Notaro?

  No. We couldn't focus, once those things were slapping around.

• 14:30Fortune Feimster?

  My apologies.

• 14:31Mae Martin?

  Suddenly, we were at the Moulin Rouge with those can-can dancers. That's what it felt like.

• 14:36Tig Notaro?

  Do you want to take a moment? Maybe stand on the couch and really show us?

• 14:41Fortune Feimster?

  My gams? Hold on.

• 14:42Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, like, stand up and like, really give us a...

• 14:45Fortune Feimster?

  Hold on.

• 14:45Tig Notaro?

  Be careful, because you are drunk.

• 14:50Fortune Feimster?

  Look at those.

• 14:50Tig Notaro?

  Look at those.

• 14:52Fortune Feimster?

  Woo.

• 14:53Mae Martin?

  That is a strong calf muscle. That's a defined calf muscle.

• 14:57Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my lord.

• 15:02Tig Notaro?

  And you're sitting inside and depriving people of, of those gams?

• 15:07Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, I hope everyone's turned on right now. Anyway, what, what is everybody up to besides me?

• 15:14Mae Martin?

  I'm in a hotel, because I thought I was going to be able to move into my house, but the renovations aren't done. So I had to get, I came from Toronto, got in a hotel. I was feeling really down about it, and then I thought about, like, just stressed and all my shit in my, and then I thought, there's, there's good things about, like, um, there's always, there's Q-tips in the bathroom. And I would never buy Q-tips, because they tell you that it's so bad for your ears, but listen, if I'm in a hotel and I find a couple, I'm so pumped. So I thought...

• 15:42Fortune Feimster?

  You're digging in there.

• 15:43Mae Martin?

  It could be worse.

• 15:43Tig Notaro?

  So you followed the Q-tip rules, where you're like, I was told this is bad.

• 15:48Mae Martin?

  Yeah, and, but, if someone's giving me them in a hotel, I'm like, well, when in Rome?

• 15:54Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 15:54Fortune Feimster?

  I use them.

• 15:56Mae Martin?

  You do?

• 15:56Fortune Feimster?

  Maybe that's why I can't hear.

• 15:58Mae Martin?

  You guys both use them?

• 15:59Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:00Mae Martin?

  Oh, this is not goodness. Oh, this is very concerning.

• 16:04Tig Notaro?

  I don't go deep into my ear. I just do the outer cartilage area.

• 16:10Mae Martin?

  Oh, that's okay, I think.

• 16:11Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 16:12Mae Martin?

  What about you? Fortunately, you're going deep?

• 16:14Fortune Feimster?

  Mm hmm.

• 16:14Tig Notaro?

  Don't do that when you're drunk.

• 16:16Mae Martin?

  No.

• 16:17Tig Notaro?

  Do not clean out your ears when you're drunk.

• 16:19Fortune Feimster?

  I want the thing where they clean your ears out with the water. Isn't that a, that's a thing?

• 16:25Mae Martin?

  I'm obsessed with like ear, ear stuff. I like to watch like ear wax removal.

• 16:31Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa.

• 16:32Mae Martin?

  Find it relaxing. Is that disgusting? Sorry.

• 16:34Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, teach their own.

• 16:36Mae Martin?

  Oh, it is disgusting.

• 16:37Fortune Feimster?

  There's a whole show about pimple popping, so people have their things.

• 16:40Tig Notaro?

  I was about to say, we went on a vacation to the mountains and nobody ended up skiing or snowboarding and we were with another family and we all just hunkered down and sat by the fire and they put on Dr. Pimple Popper.

• 17:00Fortune Feimster?

  What? That's the show.

• 17:03Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 17:04Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Have you seen it?

• 17:05Mae Martin?

  Like, yeah, I think I've seen things online.

• 17:08Tig Notaro?

  Oh, my gosh. The stuff, the, the things that have grown on people's bodies.

• 17:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:15Tig Notaro?

  That are like the size of a head.

• 17:19Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 17:19Tig Notaro?

  That they pop and it just explodes.

• 17:23Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 17:24Tig Notaro?

  Explodes.

• 17:29Fortune Feimster?

  Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that I've got a little snack with me before I leave the house? My stomach and I are grumbling. I thought I'd be able to grab a bite in between meetings, but now it's getting late and I could really use a candy bar.

• 17:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

• 17:57Tig Notaro?

  The handsome hollybob season is fast approaching and I'm realizing that we haven't hosted friends and family for a few months. Looking around my home, it's in need of a bit of a festive refresh. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without the stress.

• 18:19Fortune Feimster?

  Wayfair helps you create a home that stands up to real life with quality products, great value, and trusted reviews. Products are hand-vetted by a product specialist using a 10-point quality inspection. They've got options for every style and budget. I'm more into the classic holiday look with multicolor bulbs, tinsel, you name it. Wayfair has all of that. I used Wayfair to decorate my fireplace this season and it looks so cozy and festive. I love everything. I've gotten on Wayfair and I know you will too.

• 18:48Tig Notaro?

  When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

• 19:04Fortune Feimster?

  There's nothing quite like having pieces in your closet you love and know that you can count on for any occasion, except maybe giving someone else that same feeling. This holiday season, Quince is where I'm finding those pieces. Quince makes elevated everyday essentials using premium materials like Mongolian cashmere, organic cotton, and premium stretch denim.

• 19:24Tig Notaro?

  Let me tell you about my jeans. I got a pair of the Luna Stretch Slim Straight Jeans for only 50 bucks compared to that $235. Compare that to $235 at traditional retail. They're quickly turning into my favorite thing to cover my legs with. I'm gonna pick up some more pairs because Quince has tons of color options as well.

• 19:48Fortune Feimster?

  Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was handsome. It's the best way to support the show.

• 20:09Mae Martin?

  But I guess it's like satisfying to have something that is a problem and then is gone and removed. I think that's why it's like mentally satisfying. It's like you get to see it all clean at the end.

• 20:21Tig Notaro?

  I was not, it is, it's, it's a love hate. Yeah.

• 20:25Fortune Feimster?

  Those TikToks come up and I have to keep scrolling.

• 20:29Mae Martin?

  Remember, don't you feel like in the nineties, um, goiters were a big comedy thing? Like goiters kept, I feel like in cartoons and stuff, people always had goiters and you never hear about them anymore.

• 20:42Tig Notaro?

  My ex used to joke about having a goiter all the time. And if she never mentioned it, I don't think, it was the nineties. I don't think I would have ever heard of goiters unless she, she wrote songs about her goiter. She talked about her goiter. It was just, I don't even know what a goiter is.

• 21:04Mae Martin?

  It's like a big growth on your, on your neck usually, but it looks almost like, um, I don't know, like an extra head or something, I think. If you're listening and you have one, write in a lot of snow.

• 21:18Tig Notaro?

  I don't remember seeing a goiter. I don't, anything that sounds like that on her.

• 21:24Mae Martin?

  So she was just into it? Cause it was the nineties and it was like.

• 21:26Tig Notaro?

  I think she thought it was a funny word or something.

• 21:28Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, probably. Yeah. Speaking of the nineties, I ran into Lisa Loeb in a CVS.

• 21:35Mae Martin?

  Oh.

• 21:36Fortune Feimster?

  Is that the nineties?

• 21:37Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 21:38Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's, like, she is the nineties.

• 21:41Fortune Feimster?

  And you say, I only hear what I want to.

• 21:46Tig Notaro?

  And did you know her before?

• 21:47Fortune Feimster?

  I did not. So I don't really have much, I don't have much to follow up on. She was just like, hey, she had a mask on, so I couldn't, it was during the fires.

• 21:57Tig Notaro?

  Uh huh.

• 21:57Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, so the air was really bad. So I couldn't even, I didn't even really, I just saw her eyes, but you know, her signature glasses.

• 22:07Tig Notaro?

  Did she have them on?

• 22:08Fortune Feimster?

  She had the signature glasses on. So when she said, this is Lisa Loeb, I was like, oh my God, yes, of course.

• 22:16Mae Martin?

  She said, this is, this is Lisa Loeb?

• 22:19Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. Because I couldn't see her face.

• 22:24Tig Notaro?

  This is Lisa Loeb.

• 22:26Fortune Feimster?

  This is Lisa Loeb. It happened to me once during the pandemic with Kelly Clarkson. And y'all know I love Kelly Clarkson. Of course, I mean, as she came up to me with a mask on and she was like, what's up Fortune? And I'm like, hi stranger.

• 22:40Mae Martin?

  And she said, this is Kelly Clarkson.

• 22:42Fortune Feimster?

  And she goes, this is Kelly Clarkson.

• 22:46Tig Notaro?

  They don't say, I'm Kelly Clarkson, or I'm Lisa Loeb.

• 22:50Fortune Feimster?

  I can't remember. Maybe it was.

• 22:51Mae Martin?

  This is Kelly Clarkson.

• 22:52Fortune Feimster?

  No, I think it was, this is, it's Kelly Clarkson.

• 22:56Tig Notaro?

  Okay, that makes more sense than.

• 22:58Fortune Feimster?

  It's Kelly Clarkson.

• 22:59Tig Notaro?

  It's like somebody's presenting her to you. This is Kelly Clarkson.

• 23:03Fortune Feimster?

  It was so funny, though.

• 23:04Mae Martin?

  My most recent celebrity encounter was last night in my dream. I know dreams are boring to talk about, but it was so detailed and specific and real. And I will say, it was Alanis Morissette and it was

• 23:17Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 23:18Mae Martin?

  so like a movie. I was, I was like a young Leonardo DiCaprio. I was like 18 and I had just left school and I was on the run from the cops and my parents and all kinds of people. And then I find this like commune in the woods and Alanis is there and she's like, no, you're too young. And I was like, listen, I know what I'm doing. And then, and then we kind of had this like romance.

• 23:42Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa.

• 23:43Mae Martin?

  But it was so real and it was so like a movie. And then she kept being like, no, we gotta stop this. And I was like, why? I'm, I'm, I'm, I know who I am. I'm, she was like, no, you gotta go. I'm gonna get in trouble because you're on the run from the police. And then she was leading these like meditation courses and oh my God, I woke up and was like, we're in love.

• 24:03Fortune Feimster?

  Did she ask you to sing with her?

• 24:05Mae Martin?

  She did sing herself. I didn't sing with her.

• 24:09Tig Notaro?

  Oh, that was really low Fortune.

• 24:12Fortune Feimster?

  I just didn't know if it came true in the dream.

• 24:15Tig Notaro?

  I know what you're trying to do here. You're trying to hurt May.

• 24:19Fortune Feimster?

  No, I don't want to hurt May at all.

• 24:21Tig Notaro?

  No, you're trying to hurt May.

• 24:22Fortune Feimster?

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 24:23Tig Notaro?

  You're bringing up a sore topic.

• 24:25Fortune Feimster?

  No, I was hoping that May got to sing with Alanis in the dream.

• 24:30Mae Martin?

  Imagine if in the dream you appeared and sang with her again. I'd be like, are you, even my subconscious won't let me.

• 24:36Tig Notaro?

  Or if I swooped in.

• 24:39Fortune Feimster?

  How ironic.

• 24:43Fortune Feimster?

  Wouldn't it be ironic, don't you think?

• 24:45Mae Martin?

  Well, I'm going on, on music tour, like my, two of my songs came out this week and I had to promote them. And so part of me was like, will, will Alanis ever come to, and come on stage with me? I don't know. It's such a pipe dream. It won't happen.

• 25:00Fortune Feimster?

  Throw it out there, bud.

• 25:02Mae Martin?

  It's like how we're throwing it out there that we're hosting the Oscars.

• 25:05Fortune Feimster?

  That's true. If you build it, they will come.

• 25:08Mae Martin?

  I'd forgotten that we said that on the podcast. We said, well, let's just say that we are hosting the Oscars and make it so. So then all week people are tagging me on things like, can't wait to see handsome host the Oscars. What great news. I was like, wait.

• 25:21Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:23Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. This year, I believe Conan's doing it, but next time.

• 25:27Mae Martin?

  Okay.

• 25:27Tig Notaro?

  Well, after, that's what we were talking about is after Conan.

• 25:31Fortune Feimster?

  After Conan, so we can prepare.

• 25:33Tig Notaro?

  And Conan also designated us as backup in case something happens.

• 25:40Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah.

• 25:41Fortune Feimster?

  That could be our end to the Oscars is like Conan has the three of us tap dance behind him. Yeah. Some sort of opening musical number. We don't even have to say anything. We just tap and then we leave.

• 25:53Tig Notaro?

  Yes, of course. Tap and the old tap and leave routine.

• 25:57Fortune Feimster?

  The old tap and leave. Yeah. I got a text from someone at Dynasty saying, are these your tap shoes? I was like, I think those might be May's.

• 26:10Mae Martin?

  Did we lose?

• 26:12Fortune Feimster?

  Someone left tap shoes there.

• 26:14Mae Martin?

  I've got multiple pairs. I did buy a lot of pairs. So I don't know, maybe they were Thomases.

• 26:21Tig Notaro?

  Man, May is just made of money, just buying tap shoes.

• 26:24Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, all those T-shirts you're selling.

• 26:27Tig Notaro?

  Now, May, here's what I think you should do. How long are you in this hotel room?

• 26:33Mae Martin?

  Three nights.

• 26:35Tig Notaro?

  Okay. I think you should announce to our listeners what hotel you're staying in and what room. And they will just miss you. If you want to go visit the hotel that Mae Martin stayed in, that hotel is.

• 26:50Mae Martin?

  Wait, because this will come out by the time I've already left. Okay, so I feel safe to say this is the Silver Lake Inn and Pool.

• 26:59Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 27:00Mae Martin?

  It's called Silver Lake Inn and Pool.

• 27:02Fortune Feimster?

  I've never heard of it.

• 27:03Mae Martin?

  I mean, that feels scary to say, but I'm in room 301.

• 27:07Tig Notaro?

  Okay, I know. It's electrifyingly terrifying.

• 27:10Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 27:11Tig Notaro?

  But I thought it'd be a fun thing. And if you're a fan of Mae Martin, rent this room. Okay, this is a room.

• 27:18Mae Martin?

  Wait, okay, it's okay. I've realized it's actually room 302, but also I'm gonna leave a note, a secret note here.

• 27:26Fortune Feimster?

  Whoa.

• 27:27Tig Notaro?

  Oh, yes.

• 27:28Mae Martin?

  Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys, this is huge. Look.

• 27:32Fortune Feimster?

  Tag us if you find it.

• 27:34Mae Martin?

  Do you see this painting? Okay.

• 27:36Tig Notaro?

  Well, you have to go to YouTube to see that painting of poop.

• 27:41Mae Martin?

  There's a painting of a, yeah.

• 27:42Fortune Feimster?

  Does look like poop.

• 27:43Mae Martin?

  Blue blob of poop.

• 27:45Fortune Feimster?

  That poop needs to be tested.

• 27:47Mae Martin?

  It's actually called Blue Body, this painting, but I'm gonna leave a note behind it. And if you come and rent this room, you'll find, you can find the note and you could maybe add to it and leave it for the next person.

• 27:58Tig Notaro?

  Okay, so a tiny mess of note that says hello from May. And then once this person rents the room and finds the note, then they need to send a picture of themselves.

• 28:13Mae Martin?

  I am electrified by this idea. This is so fun. Okay, it's Silver Lake Inn and Pool, room 302. I'm gonna leave a note behind the blue blob painting.

• 28:23Fortune Feimster?

  And if anyone wants to find me.

• 28:25Mae Martin?

  Oh, right. Fortune's hotel room.

• 28:29Fortune Feimster?

  Just look for that palm tree.

• 28:32Tig Notaro?

  But Fortune, you have to tell us the name and what room number you're in.

• 28:36Fortune Feimster?

  I'm at the Four Seasons in Nevis.

• 28:39Mae Martin?

  Uh huh.

• 28:40Fortune Feimster?

  Nevis. That's a little island off of St. Kitts.

• 28:44Mae Martin?

  Wow.

• 28:45Tig Notaro?

  Give us a room number already.

• 28:46Fortune Feimster?

  I'm in room 224. And if you look behind this lamp.

• 28:53Tig Notaro?

  Fortune's gonna leave her empty rum bottles.

• 28:58Mae Martin?

  An empty Mickey of rum.

• 28:59Fortune Feimster?

  And you're gonna see a sign that says eat my ass.

• 29:07Mae Martin?

  I might have to write

• 29:08Tig Notaro?

  No, leave a sign that says, this is Fortune.

• 29:11Mae Martin?

  Yeah, this is Fortune.

• 29:13Tig Notaro?

  And you should say, this is May.

• 29:16Mae Martin?

  Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna write, this is May. I can't write eat my ass. I can't bring myself to do it. I'll write, this is May.

• 29:24Fortune Feimster?

  No, I won't do that. That's mean.

• 29:26Tig Notaro?

  Also, we should offer a free gift, like, um, like free streaming tickets if you go to these rooms and locate the note.

• 29:37Fortune Feimster?

  If someone flies to St. Kitts, gets on a boat, tracks across the island.

• 29:46Tig Notaro?

  They get free $15 tickets to a streaming.

• 29:49Fortune Feimster?

  Free streaming tickets. Hilarious.

• 29:53Mae Martin?

  After we're done this episode, I might make a little video filming myself hiding the note.

• 29:58Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, Thomas wanted to sweeten the pot a little bit.

• 30:01Tig Notaro?

  Throw in one of our new handsome keychains.

• 30:04Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 30:05Tig Notaro?

  Now, now we're, we're gonna lose money at this point.

• 30:10Mae Martin?

  So wait, they're getting $15 streaming tickets and a keychain?

• 30:14Tig Notaro?

  And a keychain, May.

• 30:16Fortune Feimster?

  We're selling new handsome keychains and our lucky winners can be the first one.

• 30:22Speaker 04

  And it's perfect because they look like a hotel room keychain.

• 30:26Fortune Feimster?

  That's true.

• 30:27Tig Notaro?

  Oh my gosh, full circle.

• 30:29Fortune Feimster?

  Wow.

• 30:30Tig Notaro?

  All right, let's get to our question, shall we?

• 30:35Tig Notaro?

  Today's guest is a journalist and podcast host who has been writing about the internet since 1994. She founded Recode on Vox in 2014 and has written for publications, including The New York Times and Wall Street Journal and The Washington Post. Her podcast is called On with Kara Swisher.

• 30:57Tig Notaro?

  Kara Swisher is asking today's question.

• 31:00Fortune Feimster?

  Woo!

• 31:01Tig Notaro?

  Woo!

• 31:02Speaker 00

  Hey handsome people, how you doing? I'm handsome myself, I have to say, and I'm very excited to talk to you. I'm a huge fan of your show. I'm here, I guess, because I'm the tech person, so I shall give you a tech question. AI is all over the place, from self-driving cars to chatbots. I write about it and I do a lot of podcasts about it. And some of it is useful, a lot of it is, not so much. What is the one thing you hate doing that you wish AI would just do for you? What would it be? Let's be positive as we move into 2025, because there's nothing positive about 2025, I think. So what's the one positive thing before AI kills us? What would be good for you?

• 31:40Fortune Feimster?

  Kara is the go-to tech person.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 31:44Mae Martin?

  I like that it's just a gift. It's like an accepted truth that AI is going to kill us. It's like, but before it kills us, what?

• 31:51Fortune Feimster?

  It's definitely going to cost some harm.

• 31:53Mae Martin?

  Oh, yeah, for sure. But I think this is a very, very good question. We've already addressed how I want AI to design coloring books for me so that I can get that sweet passive income trickling in.

• 32:06Tig Notaro?

  I would like to get AI to control AI, to not kill us.

• 32:15Mae Martin?

  Hmm, yeah. Because that's something we don't know how to... That's actually... Yeah, we go chat, chat, whatever, or whatever you call it, AI. Please prevent yourself from taking over. Do you think it'll listen?

• 32:29Tig Notaro?

  And then also, on the side, fix the environment.

• 32:33Mae Martin?

  Oh, yes, seriously. I saw a thing the other day. I mean, every day there's a new, like, crazy AI thing coming up. But there was an AI creation, and they asked it to write an original song and sing it about anything. And it wrote one about how badly it wants to be alive. And it was this mournful song that it wrote of its own accord that was like, "I want to be alive." It was this really... Yeah, it's like, oh, my God.

• 33:02Fortune Feimster?

  That stuff used to sing. So far away.

• 33:06Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:07Fortune Feimster?

  From reality and it's here.

• 33:10Mae Martin?

  I know.

• 33:11Tig Notaro?

  You heard it first, right here on Handsome Pod from Fortune Feimster. It's here.

• 33:17Mae Martin?

  It's here.

• 33:18Fortune Feimster?

  Kara knows a lot more about it than I do. By the way, Kara's a power lesbian is what we call Kara.

• 33:25Mae Martin?

  I thought that's what she meant when she said, I'm also handsome. And I thought it sounds like, like code from the 1950s where people had to say, I'm a friend of Dorothy. Or like to say that they're gay. I like it.

• 33:36Fortune Feimster?

  And Kara's always sticking it to these tech guys, which is pretty fun.

• 33:42Tig Notaro?

  And so.

• 33:44Mae Martin?

  There's gotta be a joke.

• 33:46Fortune Feimster?

  It takes a power lesbian to stick it to people.

• 33:49Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 33:49Tig Notaro?

  Now, now I'm, I'm curious, at what point are you officially a power lesbian?

• 33:55Mae Martin?

  Like, that's a great question.

• 33:57Tig Notaro?

  Are you a power lesbian, Fortune?

• 33:59Fortune Feimster?

  Um, I don't know.

• 34:01Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 34:02Fortune Feimster?

  Um, maybe.

• 34:04Tig Notaro?

  How do we know? How do we find out? Do we ask AI?

• 34:08Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I, is it, it's like a stature thing, a stature situation?

• 34:14Mae Martin?

  I don't know. A very kind of nebulous quality. Like, it's like, it's like you're organizing things, you're hosting events, you're fundraising. You're like, you know what I mean? You're like.

• 34:25Fortune Feimster?

  Sticking it to the man.

• 34:27Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're dressed up in a nice outfit and you're.

• 34:29Fortune Feimster?

  Taking down the patriarchy.

• 34:32Tig Notaro?

  Okay, well, I don't know if Fortune in the Queen's T-shirt and shorts would fall into power lesbian.

• 34:40Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:41Tig Notaro?

  Look.

• 34:43Fortune Feimster?

  Kara's definitely sticking it to people and I'm drinking a mango daiquiri.

• 34:47Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 34:54Tig Notaro?

  I have a question for you, May. Where do you fall in lesbian world? Do you identify as a lesbian?

• 35:02Mae Martin?

  I never have. I never have. I did briefly when I was like 20 because I met, I was with a lesbian. So I thought, oh, I guess I'm not. But I'd always dated men before that and was still attracted to them. I just wanted to be part of the culture, you know? But I never really have identified that way.

• 35:20Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, because I guess I, I, I think about. There's such a culture around being a lesbian.

• 35:27Mae Martin?

  I'm a big fan of, I'm a big fan.

• 35:29Tig Notaro?

  Would you consider yourself pansexual?

• 35:31Mae Martin?

  Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I always say bisexual just because I want, I feel like it's like good for the cause to like, really vocalize that I am attracted to men specifically, but I, what I mean is pansexual, like all genders and stuff, but I feel like it.

• 35:46Tig Notaro?

  So you're a power pan.

• 35:48Mae Martin?

  I'm a power pan. I'm a power Peter pan. Power Peter pan. Yeah. Okay. So would you say you're a power lesbian? Both of you are in kind of power lesbian couples, I would say. And that contributes, I think, to being a power lesbian is being like part of a.

• 36:05Fortune Feimster?

  In a, in a, a unit.

• 36:06Mae Martin?

  Part of a couple. Maybe, I don't know.

• 36:09Fortune Feimster?

  I would say Tig's a power lesbian.

• 36:11Tig Notaro?

  I would say you're a power lesbian. I would say May is a power pan.

• 36:16Mae Martin?

  No, I don't think I have that quality. It's like an authoritativeness in life. Like I, I think about power lesbian as like so capable, just like getting shit done. You know, or like, you know what I mean? And I'm, I'm like in a hotel using Q-tips and dreaming about Atlantis and I don't know. So Fortune, would you, because you know, AI already has like, you know, we've already got like Roombas and stuff, like AI house cleaning robots and things, but is there something in your life that you hate doing that AI could do for you?

• 36:50Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, for sure. Not to take us off course, but real quick.

• 36:54Tig Notaro?

  Look at my legs.

• 36:57Fortune Feimster?

  Real quick, but real quick. Have you ever thought about how we say Ponties? But if the Ponties had a pun on them, they would be called Ponties.

• 37:10Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, put the rum down. We're trying to answer a serious AI question. Okay? Put your rumpties down.

• 37:21Fortune Feimster?

  Ponties.

• 37:23Mae Martin?

  I really thought when you said not to take us off course.

• 37:26Tig Notaro?

  You know what? Lie down on the couch, sleep it off, and we will just wait for you to come back.

• 37:33Fortune Feimster?

  Anyway, just think about that. We'll take it. Just think about that. Okay?

• 37:38Tig Notaro?

  Okay. May is completely frozen.

• 37:41Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, no. May's not even a freak. I thought May just hated my joke.

• 37:46Tig Notaro?

  Probably did.

• 37:47Fortune Feimster?

  I want to get May. I need May's take. May is frozen right now, and I really need to hear May's take on this. Cause May loves puns.

• 37:57Mae Martin?

  Hello?

• 37:58Fortune Feimster?

  There's May.

• 37:59Mae Martin?

  May.

• 38:00Fortune Feimster?

  May, I needed. What's your take? What's your take?

• 38:04Mae Martin?

  I loved it. It was a bigger swerve, subject wise, than I was expecting. You're like, not to, I don't want to take us off course, but here's totally unrelated.

• 38:16Fortune Feimster?

  I'm so happy. Um, okay. Now, back to brass tacks. Is that how you, is that the way you use that phrase?

• 38:24Tig Notaro?

  I want to go off course, too. I'm realizing you're on vacation. Is, is, um, Jack's just out surfing alone?

• 38:33Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, she's on the beach.

• 38:35Tig Notaro?

  Okay, she's lounging and.

• 38:38Fortune Feimster?

  Somewhere out there.

• 38:39Tig Notaro?

  I know. We saw it's beautiful and perfect.

• 38:44Fortune Feimster?

  Okay.

• 38:51Fortune Feimster?

  What's thinking of me? And loving me tonight. What's that from?

• 39:00Tig Notaro?

  It's a little mouse singing.

• 39:02Mae Martin?

  Fievel?

• 39:03Fortune Feimster?

  Yes.

• 39:04Mae Martin?

  Fievel goes to America.

• 39:06Fortune Feimster?

  Anyway, not to take us off course again.

• 39:09Tig Notaro?

  Okay, in the future, we should alternate. One of us should be high or on pills or drunk or something.

• 39:18Fortune Feimster?

  I only had one mango daiquiri.

• 39:23Fortune Feimster?

  But I am in the Caribbean.

• 39:25Tig Notaro?

  A lot of people that drink too much claim, I only had one drink. Yeah.

• 39:30Fortune Feimster?

  I swear, one, but it's the Caribbean and they could have put extra rum in there.

• 39:35Mae Martin?

  I think they did. What would happen, do you think, if we did one where Thomas was wasted? Do you think if you're just chiming in all the time, putting sound effects on?

• 39:46Fortune Feimster?

  I guess I would like AI to make all my. Appointments for me.

• 39:50Tig Notaro?

  Make that.

• 39:52Mae Martin?

  Thomas.

• 39:54Fortune Feimster?

  Can I would like AI to do that, make all my appointments for me.

• 39:59Mae Martin?

  Like an assistant.

• 40:00Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, that's gotta be coming, right?

• 40:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you're setting your sights low and like, I feel like that could.

• 40:07Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, we want a bigger thing.

• 40:09Mae Martin?

  Well, it takes a climate change.

• 40:11Fortune Feimster?

  Ah, that's true. It's hard to.

• 40:12Tig Notaro?

  No, I also said to have AI.

• 40:16Fortune Feimster?

  Fix AI.

• 40:17Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 40:18Fortune Feimster?

  Stop AI. That's a big one.

• 40:20Mae Martin?

  My two are, and I think they're working on this, but it's crazy that they haven't done it yet, like decode whale song. Like translate what the whales are saying.

• 40:31Mae Martin?

  They should be able to just feed it all in, notice the pattern.

• 40:35Tig Notaro?

  What do you, um, want with this information of what the whales are saying?

• 40:40Mae Martin?

  I want to get the goss. I want to find out what the gossip is down there. You know, I think there's a lot of drama probably going on.

• 40:46Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 40:47Mae Martin?

  What do they say? I've got a whale of a tail.

• 40:51Tig Notaro?

  Or people are like, we're having a whale of a time. And if you really think about that, like what, what is that? Just moving slowly through the ocean? It doesn't seem.

• 41:01Mae Martin?

  Having a whale of a time. Yeah, they're not big partiers whales, right?

• 41:05Fortune Feimster?

  Don't you think about putting me in SeaWorld?

• 41:08Mae Martin?

  Or, and then I don't want to be a.

• 41:09Tig Notaro?

  Fortune lie down.

• 41:10Mae Martin?

  Cliche of myself, but an AI kind of.

• 41:15Mae Martin?

  Not a sex robot. Yeah, but I mean, and I'm so cliche. It's like I'm bored of myself for even saying it, but yeah, I want. Something that can read my mind and know exactly what I want to hear and, and just like say dirty shit to me.

• 41:31Fortune Feimster?

  Oh.

• 41:31Mae Martin?

  And then like, I, I feed it my personality into it. So then it can detect exactly my perfect match of.

• 41:39Tig Notaro?

  Couldn't you say all the dirty things you wanted to hear and then have it? Said in somebody else's voice and record it and then. I don't know.

• 41:49Mae Martin?

  I don't know why that feels more embarrassing. It's like when you're hooking up with someone, you're like, I don't want to have to say what I want. I hope, I want them to read my mind and do everything I want. So I want.

• 41:59Tig Notaro?

  Can you give us a taste of what you like to hear?

• 42:04Tig Notaro?

  Please.

• 42:05Mae Martin?

  I don't know, filthy shit. I don't know, but like-

• 42:08Tig Notaro?

  Give us one line.

• 42:09Fortune Feimster?

  Gonna spank your bottom.

• 42:12Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, lie down.

• 42:13Fortune Feimster?

  Spank your bottom.

• 42:15Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, lie down.

• 42:18Fortune Feimster?

  Don't, don't-

• 42:18Mae Martin?

  I mean-

• 42:19Fortune Feimster?

  No, you. No, you. I'm gonna spank your bottom. You've been bad.

• 42:25Tig Notaro?

  Fortune, Thomas, Fortune. And let's hear Maze. Let's hear one line of Maze's dirty talk. I'm gonna talk dirty to you. Take off your panties.

• 42:37Mae Martin?

  Take off your panties, you know, something about pun, puns. I don't know.

• 42:43Tig Notaro?

  No, May, back on track. Let's hear one thing you like to hear.

• 42:49Mae Martin?

  Maybe like some, you know, dialogue from Buffy the Vampire Slayer or something.

• 42:55Mae Martin?

  Or like-

• 42:55Tig Notaro?

  Which is?

• 42:57Mae Martin?

  Uh, I can't, I can't, I can't, I'm like blushing right now.

• 43:02Tig Notaro?

  Maze, blushing.

• 43:03Mae Martin?

  It depends on the situation, but you know what I'm thinking?

• 43:05Tig Notaro?

  Fortune's flushing.

• 43:07Mae Martin?

  I, I told you about my, my water kink, right?

• 43:10Fortune Feimster?

  No.

• 43:11Mae Martin?

  Like, of someone- I think, yeah.

• 43:15Fortune Feimster?

  Wait, Thomas says yes.

• 43:16Mae Martin?

  It's crazy how much everyone knows about me.

• 43:19Tig Notaro?

  What did it, what was it?

• 43:20Mae Martin?

  You guys, it's just that like, I think I must have watched a TV show at a formative time where someone was like having sex and then the girl poured, like, gave them a drink of water, but like poured it into their mouth, kind of, with like one hand on the back of their head and like fed them the water. You remembering this? And it's like, it's such a dumb, simple thing, but like, I've always wanted someone to do that where I'm, cause I'm like really busting my ass in the bedroom, doing some great work, and then I'm exhausted. I need a water break, and so I want the person to feed me the water, but I don't want to have to like make it a big thing of it or ask for it. And every time I've like told someone-

• 43:58Tig Notaro?

  They need to know. They need to just instinctually know, May has pooped, needs a, a hydration.

• 44:06Mae Martin?

  May is pooped, big pooped.

• 44:08Fortune Feimster?

  And needs some electrolytes.

• 44:11Tig Notaro?

  Um, maybe you could, what, how, here's, here, I got a plan.

• 44:15Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 44:15Tig Notaro?

  Maybe it's not as sexy, but what if you had a camel pack on your back? Those water things that has the two.

• 44:25Mae Martin?

  With a long straw?

• 44:27Tig Notaro?

  Your mouth?

• 44:28Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 44:29Fortune Feimster?

  You're just like, they're like putting it up to your mouth.

• 44:32Mae Martin?

  Oh, so they hand the straw to me, right?

• 44:34Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:35Mae Martin?

  Cause anytime someone's tried to do that for me and make that dream come true, they've spilled the water and it's been a, you know.

• 44:42Tig Notaro?

  Ooh, okay, what about this? Does this take the sexy away if like you've worked it? You have done your job to a T. You are exhausted. You need some hydration and you're handed like a sippy cup or a cup that has a crazy straw, you know, the like silly straws?

• 45:03Mae Martin?

  Yeah, the sippy cup is borderline weird.

• 45:07Tig Notaro?

  But what if it was one of those straws that like swirl around your eyes and go around your head and do all that?

• 45:14Mae Martin?

  I could try that. It's not quite the same, but yeah, what about an AI machine that it, yeah, it can pour the water and it can give me the water?

• 45:24Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 45:25Fortune Feimster?

  Not to take us off course here, but this does tie into that. Did you see the movie Baby Girl?

• 45:32Mae Martin?

  Not yet, and I want to.

• 45:35Fortune Feimster?

  So this guy, you know, she wants to be dominated, Nicole Kidman.

• 45:39Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 45:40Fortune Feimster?

  And this, this guy, she's the boss and he's an intern. So that power dynamic happening here.

• 45:47Tig Notaro?

  Sure.

• 45:48Fortune Feimster?

  She wants to be submissive though. And so she, they kind of flirt and she's like, no, we can't. And then in front of all their coworkers, the waiter drops a glass of milk off for Nicole Kidman.

• 46:02Fortune Feimster?

  And he, this intern, he makes eyes with her like, you better do it. You better drink that milk. And she gulps it down.

• 46:12Mae Martin?

  Oh, cause he ordered the milk for her secretly?

• 46:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. He ordered the milk for her. And when she was leaving, she walks past him and he goes, good girl.

• 46:23Mae Martin?

  Well, yeah, yeah.

• 46:26Fortune Feimster?

  I mean.

• 46:27Tig Notaro?

  Oh, see, I thought you were gonna say she was lactose intolerant.

• 46:31Fortune Feimster?

  And I'm not, I don't want that, but I thought that was hilarious. Later on, when they're in a full blown thing, he has her lick milk like a cat.

• 46:41Tig Notaro?

  Fortune Marie. Fortune Marie.

• 46:47Fortune Feimster?

  It's crazy. And one guy, I saw it in actual theater, and this is why I miss seeing movies in a theater. At one point, something happens and the guy in the theater goes, oh, hell no. And I was like, that, that just made the movie for me.

• 47:01Tig Notaro?

  Do you yell those things out at movies?

• 47:03Fortune Feimster?

  No, but it makes me laugh when there's a moment that you're all thinking that. When someone says it, it's really fun.

• 47:11Tig Notaro?

  What if you went to a movie with me and found out I talked to the movie the whole time?

• 47:17Fortune Feimster?

  No, thank you.

• 47:18Tig Notaro?

  Oh, hell no.

• 47:20Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, hell no.

• 47:22Tig Notaro?

  Well, should we hear what Kara has to say?

• 47:25Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  What would I like AI to do? I'd like it to be a super assistant. I think that's where the pluses are. And to coordinate my travel and everything else together and to tell me what I want. Be a really good assistant. Um, I, I don't have an assistant, but I think that would be great, uh, to do, uh, if they were accurate and they understood. The other, the only thing I would worry about is giving some technology company all my information, but they already have it. So I think being a really good assistant like Jarvis in, uh, Iron Man would be great.

• 47:53Mae Martin?

  I think the most, the most like telling part of that was she said. For it to tell me what I want. That really appeals to me as well. Like, like you, it knows everything about you. It's got all your data, everything that's ever been online. You've tell it your whole life story and then it says this is what's best for you. That is so relaxing. It's like being a kid again.

• 48:15Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 48:15Mae Martin?

  AI is gonna parent us. It's gonna re-parent us. It's gonna say, Fortune, this is what you need to do to be the best version of yourself.

• 48:22Fortune Feimster?

  But you know what happens when people do that?

• 48:25Mae Martin?

  What?

• 48:25Fortune Feimster?

  It dumbs you down. Yeah, you're right. We're all gonna be We're gonna be dumb, dummy dum-dums. I've been on a, I've been on trips before where like they tell you everything's planned and you don't have to think for yourself and everything's done. And I've watched a group of very smart people become totally useless.

• 48:44Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 48:44Fortune Feimster?

  Because someone is planning every minute. You don't have to think, you know, like they couldn't even like, at one point we were left to our own devices and they couldn't order an Uber.

• 48:54Mae Martin?

  Oh, my God.

• 48:55Fortune Feimster?

  We know how to order an Uber. What's happening here?

• 48:58Mae Martin?

  It's like the muscle atrophies in the brain.

• 49:01Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah.

• 49:02Mae Martin?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:03Fortune Feimster?

  It will just make everybody incapable if it does too much for us.

• 49:08Tig Notaro?

  I can't imagine that Kara would get dumb ever.

• 49:14Fortune Feimster?

  I mean, she's pretty smart, but there

• 49:17Tig Notaro?

  She's pretty smart.

• 49:19Fortune Feimster?

  She's very smart.

• 49:21Tig Notaro?

  Okay, yeah. She, she was the emcee of the morning show Emmy panel, okay?

• 49:29Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 49:29Tig Notaro?

  I've seen her, I've seen her intellectually soar, okay?

• 49:34Fortune Feimster?

  Oh, yeah. She's brilliant. I don't, I don't mean to take away from that. I'm saying the rest of us. Yeah. Yeah. If you have someone doing too much for you, I've seen it with celebrities before when they've had everything done for them. Then it, there comes a point where I've seen someone not know how to make a bed.

• 49:53Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you become like a child.

• 49:54Fortune Feimster?

  Who? Not gonna, not gonna say.

• 49:56Tig Notaro?

  Do you make your bed every day?

• 49:58Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. I like it.

• 49:59Mae Martin?

  No, and I know that that's like a big indicator of success, right? Like, that's one of those micro habits that if you make your bed every morning, you're gonna have a better day, a better life. Well, I got a lot on today because I gotta leave this note behind in this painting.

• 50:13Tig Notaro?

  You have a lot of particles of something flying around in the

• 50:17Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, there's like

• 50:17Mae Martin?

  Wait.

• 50:18Fortune Feimster?

  Some kind of like moth or

• 50:22Tig Notaro?

  Like several particles flying around.

• 50:24Mae Martin?

  Or particles. The ghost of Marilyn Monroe?

• 50:27Tig Notaro?

  Probably.

• 50:28Fortune Feimster?

  I will be going back out into the wild. Jackson, I have spa appointments.

• 50:37Tig Notaro?

  Ooh.

• 50:38Mae Martin?

  Oh, nice. What are you gonna get done?

• 50:39Fortune Feimster?

  We have.

• 50:40Tig Notaro?

  Gonna get your gams rubbed?

• 50:42Fortune Feimster?

  Just massage. We don't have a lot of time here and they only had,

• 50:47Fortune Feimster?

  you know, so much times available, so we had to eke it in there.

• 50:51Tig Notaro?

  Mm hmm.

• 50:51Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah. It's for my lady's birthday. Yeah. So, you know.

• 50:56Tig Notaro?

  Well, tell her happy birthday.

• 50:58Fortune Feimster?

  I probably might have another daiquiri. Yeah.

• 51:00Tig Notaro?

  Oh, I heard you, even though you were kind of whispering that out of the side of your mouth. I actually heard you say you might have another daiquiri.

• 51:08Fortune Feimster?

  One more.

• 51:09Tig Notaro?

  See, did you hear that, May?

• 51:12Mae Martin?

  No, it was like ventriloquism. I thought Thomas said that.

• 51:15Tig Notaro?

  No.

• 51:16Fortune Feimster?

  I might even switch over to a pino colada.

• 51:20Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 51:22Tig Notaro?

  Please post some pictures.

• 51:24Mae Martin?

  Yeah, please.

• 51:27Tig Notaro?

  We have, you know, our show in Nashville and we have our show in Austin. Handsome coming to your line.

• 51:34Fortune Feimster?

  By the way.

• 51:36Tig Notaro?

  Austin's also sold out?

• 51:37Fortune Feimster?

  So if you want to come, I would not wait on that because it's like 97% sold.

• 51:43Tig Notaro?

  Yes.

• 51:44Fortune Feimster?

  And actually Nashville too is getting very close.

• 51:47Tig Notaro?

  Get your tickets now, friends. And we have tickets and merchandise at handsomepod.com, including our brand new key party keychains. But if you want to save money, fly out to, where are you again?

• 52:07Fortune Feimster?

  Nevis, outside of St. Kitts.

• 52:10Mae Martin?

  To the Four Seasons.

• 52:12Fortune Feimster?

  I'm in the West Indies.

• 52:14Tig Notaro?

  And go to Fortune's hotel room, look for the little note and get a free key.

• 52:19Mae Martin?

  Free keychain.

• 52:21Fortune Feimster?

  And a streaming link to our next livestream.

• 52:24Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, and get, get to May's room, also get a keychain.

• 52:28Mae Martin?

  Yeah, that is room 302 at the Silver Lake Inn and Pool.

• 52:32Tig Notaro?

  If you do send us a picture of yourself or video really doing this.

• 52:38Mae Martin?

  Yeah.

• 52:38Tig Notaro?

  I cannot stress enough, we will give you a free keychain.

• 52:42Fortune Feimster?

  We will.

• 52:44Tig Notaro?

  And a free fifteen dollar ticket to our next streaming show.

• 52:49Mae Martin?

  Whoa.

• 52:50Tig Notaro?

  Or whenever, yeah, whenever you find these notes in these hotel rooms, whatever that next show is, boom, you don't have to rush and do it for the next show, but just, you know what I'm saying?

• 53:03Mae Martin?

  Get there.

• 53:04Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, get there if you can. Anyone have something to promote?

• 53:08Mae Martin?

  I really do, and I'm scared because I, these venues are too big. And I'm doing music and I'm doing four big shows. I really, really need people to come. I'm so scared.

• 53:20Tig Notaro?

  Where?

• 53:21Mae Martin?

  I should be more confident about it, but okay.

• 53:23Tig Notaro?

  Yeah.

• 53:23Mae Martin?

  The Regent Theater, February 26th.

• 53:26Tig Notaro?

  In where? What cities?

• 53:28Mae Martin?

  Oh, in, in LA, March 1st, in Toronto, at the Danforth Music Hall. Uh, March 4th at the Gramercy Theater in New York and March 9th at the O2 Forum in Kentish Town in London. I'm gonna do, I'm gonna play like my whole album and have special guests and tell some stories, but it's gonna be super fun. It'll be good.

• 53:49Tig Notaro?

  Yeah, that's exciting. Congrats.

• 53:51Mae Martin?

  Yeah, you can go to maymartinmusic.com.

• 53:54Fortune Feimster?

  I'm doing standup. I'll be in Oxnard, California, the weekend of February 21st and 2nd. Uh, the Irvine Improv in March, as, as well as Ontario, California. And Huntsville, Alabama, then I kick off my theater tour in Savannah, Georgia, Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Phoenix, Cleveland, Columbus and Greensboro, North Carolina. Oh, and Rowan.

• 54:22Tig Notaro?

  I am going June 14th, Eureka Springs, Arkansas. And also, um, keep your ears and eyes open for information on the, um, documentary that I produced called Come See Me in the Good Light. It had an amazing premiere at Sundance, just standing ovation. People, I mean, it's so, such a beautiful film. I'm so proud of it. And Brandy Carlisle and Sarah Bareilles wrote the, uh, original song with Andrea Gibson, who is one of the subjects, um, of the documentary. And the song is just exquisite. It's so great. It's so great.

• 55:06Fortune Feimster?

  And as always, tell your pals about the pod.

• 55:10Tig Notaro?

  Yeah. Share your favorite episodes with people. Bring them into the circle.

• 55:15Fortune Feimster?

  And you know what?

• 55:15Mae Martin?

  Bro in this community.

• 55:16Fortune Feimster?

  I have to say to you guys.

• 55:19Mae Martin?

  What?

• 55:20Fortune Feimster?

  Thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again.

• 55:26Mae Martin?

  Was not expecting.

• 55:28Fortune Feimster?

  You're a pal and a confidant.

• 55:32Tig Notaro?

  And until next time.

• 55:36Tig Notaro?

  Keep it handsome.

• 55:40Mae Martin?

  Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feimster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willett. Email us at [email protected] and please follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

• 55:56Mae Martin?

  What a podcast. What a podcast.

• 56:02Mae Martin?

  That was a HeadGum Podcast. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance. Not checking that my outfit matches the vibe of the evening before heading out the door? I regret everything. The night called for a black t-shirt, but I wore a white one instead, and now everything's out of alignment.

• 56:18Fortune Feimster?

  Yeah, checking first is handsome, so check Allstate first for an auto quote. It could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. What's going on? It's Lamorne Morris. And Hannah. Simone.

• 56:37Speaker 05

  And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind-the-scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dogged.

• 56:58Fortune Feimster?

  That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo.

• 57:11Speaker 05

  We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes, we even talk to other co-stars like Zooey Deschanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayans Jr., and your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

• 57:22Fortune Feimster?

  Make sure you subscribe to The Mess Around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.