180: Repeating Patterns, Self Trust, and How Stop Abandoning Yourself

A new year doesn’t change your dating life. Your patterns do. In this episode, Sabrina breaks down why New Year’s dating resolutions fail, why manifestation without behavior change keeps you stuck, and why “this is my year for love” doesn’t work if you keep showing up the same way. This episode focuses on shifting patterns, not chasing outcomes. We dive into anxious attachment, emotionally unavailable partners, self-abandonment, and what it actually means to be ready for a healthy relationship. If you’re tired of repeating the same cycles and want to start the year by showing up differently in dating and relationships, this episode is your reset. If you’re ready to slow down, trust your instincts, and break your old dating patterns, the Healthy Relationship Foundations Course walks you through it step-by-step HERE! If you’re serious about changing your dating patterns instead of repeating them, the Art of Going Slow course helps you unlearn urgency, regulate your nervous system, and build real connection without rushing, chasing, or abandoning yourself HERE! Get Ad free HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? HERE! Get merch for The Sabrina Zohar Show HERE! Don't forget to follow Sabrina and The Sabrina Zohar Show on Instagram and Sabrina on TikTok! Video now available on YOUTUBE! Please support our sponsors! Get started with Stich Fix today at stitchfix.com/sabrina to get $20 off your first order—and they’ll waive your styling fee. Try out Rho Nutrition and get 20% off sitewide with my code SABRINA at: https://rhonutrition.com/discount/SABRINA ============================= Chapters 00:00 – Why a New Year Won’t Fix Your Dating Life 01:55 – The New Year Dating Lie Everyone Believes 04:30 – Outcome Goals vs Pattern Change in Dating 08:15 – Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners 12:20 – Wanting Love vs Being Ready for Love 16:30 – How Self-Abandonment Keeps You Stuck 20:05 – Pick-Me Energy vs Choosing for Yourself 23:45 – What Healthy Relationships Actually Require 27:45 – The 3 Lists Exercise: Leave, Call In, Become 33:20 – Becoming Someone Who Can Keep Love Disclaimer: The Sabrina Zohar Show, formerly known as Do The Work, is not affiliated with A. Z & associates LLC in any capacity. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola, for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 0:30Sabrina Zohar?

  Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite? Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 0:39Speaker 02

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 0:40Sabrina Zohar?

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  Taylor Hansen? Nice.

• 0:47Sabrina Zohar?

  Try one.

• 0:48Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 0:52Speaker 03

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.

• 1:00Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm not gonna bullshit you and tell you that this is your year. I'm not gonna tell you that love is coming, or you just need to manifest harder, or believe more. What I'm gonna tell you is this. You get to decide who you're going to be in your relationships this year. Whether that be romantic, personal, professional, doesn't matter. Not what's going to happen to you, but how you're going to show up. And that's the only thing that's ever been in your fucking control anyways. So let's stop talking about what you want to attract and start talking about who you're going to become in order to receive it. Hello, hello, hello! And welcome to another episode of the Sabrina Zohar Show. My name is Sabrina Zohar, and I am your host. Happy New Years, babes! Oh, seriously, happy fucking New Years!

• 1:41Sabrina Zohar?

  Guys, we have a lot to get through today, but this year is gonna be something special. I don't know how, and I don't know why, but I'm fucking willing it. And I hope, wherever you are, that you're being gentle with yourself. Whatever you did last night, whatever happened, or the night before, or the night before, it doesn't really matter. And I hope that you're being gentle with yourself, because we get new opportunities today. Guys, please, as always, don't forget to rate, review, comment, share it with a friend, put it in the Facebook groups. And guys, don't forget, at the end of this episode and every episode, we have a new Tool of the week. One, I want you guys to listen to all of it. But two, I want to give you guys things that you can actually implement. And this is a special episode. Last week, we closed out the Clarity series and we talked about what you're leaving behind. And today's different. Today, we're talking about what you're calling in, but not like a vision board, light a candle

• 2:26Sabrina Zohar?

  and manifest your soulmate kind of way. In a real, practical, who are you becoming? What patterns are you changing? Kind of way. So guys, without further ado, let's get right the fuck on into it, shall we? Here's the thing. I don't try to bullshit the new year, new you stuff because it's one different day. Right? Like December 31st to January 1st. What changed besides what our mental state is? But what I do want to hit on today is new patterns, new ways, and it's a new year. Right? You can become a new you. And the reason you're going to become a new you is because of the work that you're going to do, not just because of the day of the year that it is. And I want to go over like a lot of things today, but really I wanted to first start off by saying, thank you. Guys, this year, we have so much in store. Like my book comes out this year.

• 3:11Sabrina Zohar?

  That is insane to say. Like we're finally on Spotify video. We're finally able to expand our community and we're finally able to show up in the ways that feel authentic. And I'm so fucking grateful for you guys because even for me, like I had to let go a lot of this year. I really, when it was New Year's for me and it was time for me to say, okay, what is it that I want to become? Who do I want to be? And I want to continue to be the version of myself that I didn't have when I was a kid. I get to make those choices now. I don't have to be the woe is me. I don't need to play the victim. I don't have to be the little girl that's waiting to be chosen. I get to become the adult she didn't have. And for that, I'm so fucking excited because that is what we can focus on in the new year is who we're becoming, not trying to control the outcome and the exterior of what it is that we want.

• 3:55Sabrina Zohar?

  Let's talk about why do most New Year's dating resolutions fail? Or just like New Year's resolutions in general. So there's something called the January 1st fantasy. So every single year, millions of people make the same fucking resolutions. This is my year. This is my year for love and I'm gonna do it. And they download the apps on January 1st. They update their profile. They swipe with intention for like two fucking weeks. Maybe a couple of dates might happen and then by February, we get burnt out, we get disappointed and we're back to the same pattern. That we had in December and then sometimes we're even saltier because it's Valentine's Day. What happened? The problem with outcome based goals is that most New Year's resolutions are about outcomes. Things you want to happen to you, right? I'm gonna find a partner. I'm gonna get engaged. I'm gonna be in a relationship. I'm gonna stop being single. I'm gonna do all of these things. I'm gonna lose a hundred pounds. I'm gonna do all these things.

• 4:40Sabrina Zohar?

  But here's the issue. You can't control outcomes. You can't control if you're gonna lose a hundred pounds by February. You can control the variables that you use, but your body is gonna have another fucking thought. If you have a thyroid issue, whatever, right? Like, there's a lot of variables. And so you can't control whether you meet someone. You can't control whether they want what you want. You can't control timing or chemistry or compatibility. None of that. So, when you set outcome goals and they don't happen, you feel like a failure. Like, oh my god, I did something wrong. Like, the universe is against me. Like, I must have, it's karma, it's all these things. But you didn't fail. You just set a goal you had no control over. So, there's a difference between pattern goals and outcome goals. What you can control is your patterns. Your behavior, how you show up.

• 5:22Sabrina Zohar?

  Outcome goals, what most people set, again, is like finding a relationship, meeting a person, all of those things. Those are outcome goals. You're not gonna be able to control if you're stopping this being single this year. But pattern goals, what you actually create change is like, you can notice when you're abandoning yourself and pause before you do it. You can leave situations that don't meet your needs within two months, not eight. You can communicate what you want, even when it's really fucking scary. You can stop dating people's potential and start dating their reality. You can trust your gut for the first time, not the fifth. Do you see the difference? Outcome goals are about what happens to you. Pattern goals are about how you behave. And the reason this matters is because you could meet the most amazing fucking person this year, but if you haven't changed your patterns, you'll sabotage it. You'll self-protection, you'll push them away.

• 6:05Sabrina Zohar?

  You'll choose the unavailability because it feels familiar. You'll keep abandoning yourself to keep them. You'll repeat the same cycles with a new fucking face. The goal isn't to find love. The goal is to become someone who can fucking keep it and receive it. And that was the biggest goal for me. I remember, I had to change the way I dated. I had to change the way I thought because I was so focused on like, I'm gonna get someone to choose me and I'm gonna get them to love me and I'm gonna get them to stay and I'm gonna get them to do all of these things. And if they just choose me, then what does that mean about me? And da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And every New Year's, I was disappointed. I was disappointed because I was comparing myself. I was comparing myself to the people that went out on New Year's Eve and met the love and had the kiss and did all these things. And I'll never forget, my mama said something so important.

• 6:46Sabrina Zohar?

  Enjoy the moments you have when you are single because you never know one day when you're gonna be with someone and that is gonna have to change. And I used to get resentful of like, "Oh, I'm home alone with Clem on New Year's Eve." I'd give anything on the planet right now to be alone with Clem on Christmas, New Year's Eve, or whatever fucking holiday it is. Not because I don't love the life I have, but because I do miss those moments and I do wish I had enjoyed them more, more so because I miss Clem more than anything. But, I want to talk about some research to back up what I'm speaking about. So there's a study on something called "The Fresh Start Effect." So researchers found that people are more motivated to pursue goals after temporal landmarks like New Year's, birthdays, or the start of the month. This is real. The motivation is real. The feeling of "this year is gonna be different" is real. But, here's the thing.

• 7:31Sabrina Zohar?

  Motivation without behavior change equals short-term effort. That's why "if he wanted to, he would" is a stupid fucking saying. You feel inspired for a week or two and then you go back to your baseline because you didn't change anything structural. You felt excited for a minute. Lasting change requires systems, not just inspiration. It requires changing your actual patterns, not just your fucking intentions. That is why I hate the sayings. Because we're saying, "Well, they don't want it bad enough." I want so many things in my life, but I have different neural pathways. I have trauma, I have different things that come up for me. It's not about want. And we have to stop using these sweeping generalizations to explain away our fucking discomfort. The question I want you to ask and said is not, "What do I want to happen this year?" Because you can't necessarily control that.

• 8:14Sabrina Zohar?

  I want you to start asking, "Who do I need to become to have what it is that I want?" Because here's the truth. If you're ready for what it is that you say that you want, you'd probably already have it. Something's in the way, and that's okay. It's a pattern, a belief, a behavior, a fear. That's what we need to look at. I know it because I used to fucking do it. And that's why, like, I made a video and I choose danger sometimes when I make these videos. And the video was pretty fucking real. If you keep telling me, "I just can't find a relationship, I can't find a relationship." But yet you keep ending up with emotionally unavailable partners. You keep dating the narcissist, you keep dating the person in the situationship. Then the reality is, it's not about that you can't find the partner. You're not ready to receive it, and how are you fucking showing up? And what are you allowing? Because if you're really ready, walk away from the bullshit. If you're really ready, stop accepting low effort.

• 8:58Sabrina Zohar?

  If you're really ready, show up as it. Show up differently if you want to receive differently, and start looking at what you're willing to allow. Another reality I had to face this year. My grandma Lucy always used to say, "Show me who your friends are, and I'll tell you who you are." And we always look and say, "Oh, God, but like, I want to date this type of person, and this type of person." Look at the people in your life. Are you happy? Is that a representation of who you're trying to become? I know that my friends are. I fucking love my friends. I've got some amazing people in my life, and I'm really proud of my partner. I would be very, very over the moon to have people say, "Oh, okay, if that's how she is, maybe not the rigidity as much." But like, it's okay, right? I have my anxiety, he has his stuff. But we have to really look and say, "What am I allowing?" Because that's what this whole thing is about. This year, we're no longer begging for fucking breadcrumbs. This year, let's will it right now.

• 9:43Sabrina Zohar?

  I deserve to be loved for who I am. I deserve to be treated in a way with like, respect and kindness. I am no longer accepting bullshit and breadcrumbs, as if that's enough to fucking satisfy me. And this year, I'm demanding more for myself, because that's what I fucking deserve. I'm not gonna just put all these platitudes out there of like, "Oh, good vibes only, right? And wish this, and manifest this." And you're not doing it right. Because you know what makes manifestation actually fucking stick? What makes manifestation stick is that you actually believe that that can happen to you. Manifesting and doing vision boards, and you're fucking looking at your astrology and shit, is you trying to outsource the validation. See, "It said that," which means "I must know that." Instead, if you believe it, then you will act it,

• 10:28Sabrina Zohar?

  which will mean you will get it. And you can't control that outcome. You can only control yourself and be ready for whatever fucking comes your way. And this is exactly what we do in the Healthy Dating Foundation course. We don't just talk about what it is that you want. We look at the patterns that have been keeping you from having it. We identify the beliefs that are wrong. running in the background. We build actual skills so that when the right thing shows up, you are ready to receive it. If you're serious about doing that this year, not just feeling inspired for a week, but actually changing your patterns, come join us. Sabrina Zohar.com and the link is in the show notes. Let's shift gears then. What are you actually calling in? What do you genuinely fucking want? Let's get honest. All right. So you say you want love. What do you actually mean? Because I think a lot of us see the word love or relationship as a stand-in for something else.

• 11:12Sabrina Zohar?

  And that's why like a lot of people be like, I don't get it. Like, we hang out and like, we laugh a lot, but why don't they want a relationship? It's like, because that's not a relationship. I wish that was a relationship. I wish a relationship was just, we have so much fun together. A relationship means I have to have bandwidth, I have to have capacity, I have to hold space for the other person. I need to be there when they need me. I need to be emotionally available so I understand my emotions and theirs. I need to have the tools I need to regulate. I need to be able to come back into the present moment to be there for my partner. It's not just about, oh, we have a good time. And if that's what you think a relationship is, that could be why you're not having ones that are fulfilling, because you need to have the tough conversations, you need to face the shit that you're scared of facing, and you need to actually be present with somebody else, not just within yourself and having your needs met. So I want you to ask yourself these three questions. The first one, do you want a relationship or do you want to feel chosen?

• 11:57Sabrina Zohar?

  Because those are two different fucking things. A lot of people want to feel chosen. They don't necessarily want to be a partner. Wanting to feel chosen is about healing a wound. It's about proving to yourself that you're actually worthy and deserving of something more than what you've gotten, that someone will pick you, that the relationship becomes about what it means, not what it is. The second thing, do you want partnership or do you want to stop feeling lonely? Loneliness is a very real thing and I'm not dismissing it, but if you want a relationship primarily to stop feeling lonely, you're going to accept anyone who fills that space because you're not choosing, you're just not alone. And I did that. My ex and I, he was a lovely man, but I chose him just so I could be in a relationship. And the third thing, do you want commitment? Or do you want to win someone over? Some of us are fucking addicted to the chase, to convince someone to choose us. The moment they actually commit, we typically lose interest, because it

• 12:40Sabrina Zohar?

  was never about them, it was about the game. Do you want love or do you want to be healed? This is a big one. Do you want a relationship because you genuinely want to build a life with someone, or do you want someone to fix what feels broken in you? This episode is sponsored by Stitch Fix. Y'all, I know shop- Shopping is not always as easy or fun as it sounds. Have you ever tried on like 10 things in the dressing room to hate them all? Or you order a bunch of sizes because you have no idea what's gonna fix? Well, Stitch Fix takes the hassle out of all of that and makes shopping so easy. Real human stylists send clothes that I just love. I love that they fit great, they're clothes that actually feel like you and they're delivered to your door. It's so easy. Me and Tech Guy both have it.

• 13:23Sabrina Zohar?

  Because you take a quick style quiz, share your size, style and budget and get matched with a real human stylist who gets your vibe. And guys, right now it's new year, new you, baby. And now you can upgrade not just the inner, but also the outer. So that when you're going out there, you feel super confident. So get started today at stitchfix.com/sabrina and get 20% off your first order when you buy five or more items. Again, that's stitchfix.com/sabrina.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big. For the small. The short. And the tall. Peacemakers. Risk takers. For the optimists. Pessimists. For long distance love. For introverts. And extroverts. The thinkers. And the doers. For old friends. And new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 14:23Sabrina Zohar?

  So why your motivation matters? If you want some, like, love to fix something, you're going to keep attracting situations that confirmed the wound instead of heal it. That's why you're going, like, if you want to fix the fact that you feel broken, "I feel like no one's ever gonna love me, I feel like I'm too much", then you're going to keep attracting people and you're going to keep allowing people in your life that reaffirm that. Because they're not actually helping you heal the wound, because that's what you do within yourself and healthy relationships, secure partnerships. You just want somebody that confirms the wound instead. And then we keep fucking wondering why we keep getting ourselves into the same situations. If you want love to prove you're worthy, you'll choose people who make you work for it. Because easy love doesn't feel like proof. If you want love to stop being lonely, you'll settle for anyone because that's, as long as they have a pulse and text you back. If you want love to heal you,

• 15:07Sabrina Zohar?

  you'll put the responsibility for your healing on the other person, and that's not fair to them or to you. What does healthy wanting actually look like? I want love because I have a good life and I want to share it with someone. I love my fucking life. I think that this person should be grateful to be in my life. I want partnership because I'm whole on my own, and I want to build something with another whole person so we can have a beautiful life. I want commitment because I've done the fucking work. I'm ready to get deep with someone who matches my effort. That's different. That's wanting love from a full cup, not from an empty one. Calling in love, what it actually requires, like if you really want it, you have to be willing to do some really uncomfortable shit. You gotta be willing to be seen. Like actually seen, not the curated version of you, not the highlight reel, not the, no, no, no,

• 15:50Sabrina Zohar?

  the real you with messy parts and fears and insecurities and all the things that you're ashamed of. You gotta be willing to need someone, which is terrifying if you've been hurt. If you've learned that needing people gets you abandoned, but that's the thing, real intimacy requires letting yourself need, right? And it's not about like, "I need you versus I want you." No, no, no, no, no. What it's about is saying like, "Yeah, I need support right now for my partner." Right? "I need my partner to show up for me when I'm fucking crumbling on the floor." Otherwise, what's the relationship? If it's just constantly about, "I don't need anything, I don't need anything, hyperindependent," well, how are you actually connecting? You gotta be willing to be disappointed, because real relationships include disappointment. They include conflict and misunderstandings and repair. If you're only willing to have the good parts, you're not ready for a real relationship. The harshest fucking reality I ever learned

• 16:34Sabrina Zohar?

  about dating and having a healthy, secure relationship was, "I can't only be there for the good. I gotta be there through the uncomfortable, through the bad, through the negative." It's not just about conflict repair, conflict-regulate repair, so that we can actually build something here. And if you're just only looking for a relationship because of all the positive and all the benefits, but you don't want to be bothered with anything else, you're not fucking ready for a relationship, and I think that's a reality you gotta face. You gotta be willing to stay. Not in a toxic situation, baby, but in healthy, and hard, in the moments when it would just be easier to run. You'd be like, "Nah, I'm out." When your partners are screaming like, "Oh my god, dude, fucking go bananas, sabotage, that's it." Stay away. No.

• 17:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Wanting love is easy. Everybody wants love. But being ready for it means you've done the work to receive it without destroying it. You can manifest all fucking day, all you want. You can fucking vision board and affirm and believe. But if you haven't changed your patterns, you'll call something in and then push it away. You'll get what you asked for and not recognize it because it doesn't feel like the chaos you're so fucking used to. You know what I'm calling in this year? I'm calling in this year the strength for me to be able to handle the ebbs and to receive the flow. What I've been fucking, what I lost about myself, and I'll be honest. That was always my goal. When I first started the show and I first started doing my work, I was like, I just want to be able to receive all the positive and be able to handle the negative, right? Be able to handle the ebbs and the flow. And I lost sight of that this year. Anytime an ebb happened, I was like, that's it, that's it. The ship is sinking. That's it, that's it. We're losing everything.

• 17:56Sabrina Zohar?

  And I want to call in the strength for me to be able to handle it no matter what. I am letting go of putting my worth into numbers, into metrics, into does this person choose me? Do they like me? I'm allowed to be sad and bummed. I'm allowed to be hurt, right? I have a friend who is kind of pulling their bullshit games again. Who said, maybe we should do the very LA stuff. Maybe we can do this. Maybe we could do that. And then when I reached out again for the third time of like, hey, did you want to confirm next week? Or are we not doing it? Please just let me know. I have a crazy week. They ignored it. Okay, you know what I'm not gonna do? I'm not gonna chase that person. I'm not gonna convince them to choose me. I'm not gonna try to show them, look, look, look, I'm such a good friend. No, I'm gonna allow people to show me who they are. And then I'm gonna put them in their, in my life, in a place that they belong.

• 18:41Sabrina Zohar?

  That's what I have control over. I can't control and neither can you. We have got to get rid of this fallacy as if you going on dating apps means that everybody has to want the same things as you. No, you're gonna still meet shitty people. You're gonna still go out in the world and have people that are gonna hurt you. Do you trust that no matter what, you'll be okay? Do you trust that you'll be able to identify that? What are your choices and what are you willing to allow? That's what I have control over. I can't control how other people are. Because bad people exist, shitty people exist. People exist that don't want to do the work because it's fucking easier. What am I doing with it? Am I playing victim? Woe is me? I can't find anybody and everyone's just so shitty? Or am I saying, I know good people exist because I exist? And like I do, they do. And I know someone out there is looking for me, just like I've been looking for them. So let's talk about who do you need to become? Right? The real question, everyone asks, "Where's my person?"

• 19:26Sabrina Zohar?

  But the better question is, "Am I ready for my person? Am I ready to receive that person?" And you know what? When I met Ryan, I finally could say that I was. I really was. I knew I still had work to do, but I knew that I was ready to receive a healthy love because I was ready to let go of the bullshit. I was so done with having to convince people. Like even the guy that I had, I've talked to you guys about this, but if you're new, I haven't. I had dated this guy and I called him the conventionally handsome guy because he was very conventionally handsome and he was very charming. And the reason I called him that was because I was disillusioned by his charm and his handsomeness. I was like, "Yeah, he's conventionally a good-looking guy. I don't think anybody's gonna deny that, looking at him." But I needed more. I needed depth. I needed soul. I needed somebody that could meet me where I was. And he couldn't. And I could have beaten myself up.

• 20:12Sabrina Zohar?

  And instead, I walked away and I was really fucking scared to walk away and to tell him, "I don't want to do this. I'm sorry. You're emotionally unavailable and I deserve more." Right? And then months later, when I reached out to him because I was in a low moment and I wanted to see him, I just remember him being like, "Oh, I'm in L.A. You want to get dinner? How about nine o'clock tonight?" And I said, "Yes." And then I called my mom and as I said it out loud, she goes, "Really, Sab? You said yes to that?" And I went, "Oh, my God. What was I thinking?" And she was like, "That motherfucker was in California and didn't even tell you until you reached out. It's been eight months since you've spoken to him? Is that what you think you deserve?" And I said, "No, I deserve more than that." And I told him that and I said, "Never mind. I'm not interested. Never heard from him. He didn't even acknowledge it, just ignored it." And I met Ryan three months later. Because I was no longer, "Where's my person? Where's my person? Where's my person?" I had to become that person.

• 20:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I had to become the version of myself that I was ready to receive that because I was done receiving anything less. That was my childhood. I got to make choices. Again, it's not about finding the right person. It's about becoming someone who can build something healthy with the right person. You could meet your perfect fucking match tomorrow, but if you haven't done the work, you'll either not recognize them or you'll do something that'll push them away or ruin it. Like, we need to have some identity shifts from "pick me" to "do I even want this?" The "pick me" energy... Is when you show up in dating trying to be chosen. You're auditioning, you're performing, you're trying to figure out what they want and become so that they'll pick you. But the problem is you're externally focused. You're so focused on being chosen, you forget to choose. You're not evaluating whether you like them, whether they meet your standards, whether they're showing up for you.

• 21:40Sabrina Zohar?

  And here's the shift. I want you to walk into every fucking date, every conversation, every interaction and ask yourself, do I want this person? Not, how do I make them want me? You're not a contestant, you're a selector. Start fucking acting like it. That's also why I hate the fucking videos on TikTok. How do you get an avoidant back? How do you get them to want you? Let me ask you. And then when you do get them back, what happens? What happens when they get triggered again? What happens when they run off again? Because you're so focused on, will they get me? Will they choose me? Will they come back for me? You're avoiding the deeper work as well. So for all the anxious folk that want to be like, uh-uh, fuck the avoidant. You're also being avoidant. Because you're not looking and saying, but what about me? What do I choose? What do I want? I'm so focused on my fucking personality being, are they coming back to get me? That I haven't stopped to ask if I even want that.

• 22:23Sabrina Zohar?

  We need to shift from, I hope they like me to, I hope we're compatible? I hope they like me is an insecurity. It's driving the bus, baby. You're outsourcing your worth to their opinion. I hope we're compatible, it's grounded. It acknowledges that whether they like you is only half the equation. The other half is whether you actually work together. Whether your communication styles match, whether you want the same things, whether you can navigate conflict together. Someone can like you and still be completely wrong for you. Compatibility and really how you guys operate is far more important than chemistry. We need to move on from, I need to be healed to, I'm healing and I'm dating. And we talked about that in episode three, the myth of being fully healed to date before you, or fully healed to date before you date, yeah. I can do this, I can talk. Today is a wonky day. My brain's a little off, so bear with me.

• 23:07Sabrina Zohar?

  But the shift is understanding that healing is ongoing. You've never done doing the work. You don't graduate. You just get more aware and more skilled at interrupting your patterns. You can date while you're healing. You just have to be honest with yourself about where you are, right? Stay aware of your triggers, catch yourself faster, choose differently in real time. And if you didn't watch the episode, go back and listen. And we have to go from, I don't want to be alone to, I'm willing to be alone rather than abandon myself. Like my grandma always said, I'd rather be alone than in bad company. And this is the foundation of everything. This is why when Ryan and I first met and I said, you know, hey, don't fucking waste my time. Like, okay, for anybody that's new, right? Because we do have new audience members every day. So for our OGs, you know the story. But I slept with my partner on the first date because I left going, "I'm probably never gonna see this guy again, so let me have some fun." And I just was very like, "Whatever, who cares, right?

• 23:52Sabrina Zohar?

  Whatever happens, happens, and if it's meant to be, it will. And if not, right, I needed to get my rocks off." And after dinner, he like said, "Oh, you know, I had a great night." And I said, "Me too." And he said, "You know, what are you up to this week?" Like, he didn't ask me plans. It wasn't like he was going in. And I just said, "Listen, I'm gonna cut the bullshit." "I really had a good night tonight, and honestly, I needed to get laid, so thank you for that. But if you're gonna call me again, it's because you wanna build something." I'm incredibly intentional with the time that I spend and the what I build. So if you're just looking for a hookup, a pen pal, a friend with benefits, don't fucking waste my time and spare me. But if you actually wanna build something, call me. Because if we spend time together, that means we're actually building something. And the reason he thought that was so hot, I wasn't scared to lose him. I was more scared to lose myself. I was so terrified of self-abandoning and becoming somebody I couldn't recognize that I was so ready to lose him instead.

• 24:37Sabrina Zohar?

  Because I knew, if you call me, that's because I've set a boundary about what we're doing here and what I'm willing to allow. And I wasn't fucking scared. Your fear of being alone is what makes you accept situationships. It what makes you stay too long. It what makes you pretend you're okay with things that you're not. We have to shift that. You gotta be willing to choose yourself over the relationship. You gotta be willing to walk away when it's not right. You gotta be willing to be single rather than be willing be with somebody who requires you to abandon yourself. You gotta be willing to choose you. Your tolerance of being alone is directly tied to your standards. The more okay you are with being alone, the less bullshit you'll accept. We have to chip from "I always pick the wrong people" to "I'm learning to trust myself." Guys, this is where reframes come in. "I always pick the wrong people" is a victim story. It implies that you have no control.

• 25:22Sabrina Zohar?

  The wrong people just keep happening to you. Here's the truth. It's not that you necessarily picked wrong. You picked from where you were. You picked from what felt familiar. You picked based on what your wounds were attracted to. And that's the shift. Trusting that you've learned and trusting what you've learned. Trusting that you've learned something. Trusting that you are learning, right? It's a lot of trust. That every relationship taught you something. That you're more aware now than you were. That you can trust yourself to choose differently because you know more. You're not cursed, you're growing. And we have to be really realistic about that. I used to always want to just go into like, it's on me. I remember my friends and I'd be like, it's just men are trash and nobody wants to commit these days and nobody wants to do any of the work. And it kept me into a space of, see, I have no control.

• 26:06Sabrina Zohar?

  I have no control. There is a part of that that's accurate. I couldn't control them. I couldn't control the outcome, but I could certainly as sure as fuck control what I was willing to allow and how I showed up. And I didn't want to take that kind of ownership and accountability because as a kid, it was easy to say, see, they're doing this to me. And I was right, but I'm no longer a child. I'm an adult now. And these identity shifts, this is the foundations of the Healthy Dating Foundation course. It's not just like surface level tips and tricks. The actual rewiring of how you see yourself in relationships, how you show up, what you tolerate. If this is landing for you, come do the work with me, baby. It's the link in show notes or sabrina zohar.com. This episode is sponsored by RHO Nutrition. Babes, I'm so excited. I can't wait to put you onto something that has genuinely changed my wellness routine,

• 26:51Sabrina Zohar?

  and that is RHO Nutrition. So I've been taking and using their creatine for a while now. Oh, ladies, listen, every single one of us should be taking creatine. It supports strength, muscle recovery, and cognitive function. I take RHOs because it's liposomal, so it absorbs really well. And I've noticed a huge difference in my workouts and just how I feel. What I love most is that RHO Nutrition keeps everything clean, simple, and intentional. So there's no giant pills, there's no powders everywhere, just well-made, third-party, tested liquid formulas. Baby, I'm drinking it right now in my tea. It is perfect. I love it. There's no taste. It is phenomenal. So if you want to try RHO Nutrition, you can get 20% off sitewide with my code Sabrina

• 27:33Sabrina Zohar?

  at rhonutrition.com. Again, that's rhonutrition.com. Use code Sabrina for 20% off everything.

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola, for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 28:15Sabrina Zohar?

  So let's talk about your new year's assignment. Let's set this up, okay? I have an actual assignment for you. It's not just something to think about. It's something to do today before this week is over. And let's talk about some tips, some tricks, some tools, all of the things. So we're going to get three lists going. Get your notes out, piece of paper. You're going to write down these fucking three lists with you. The first one, what am I leaving in 2025? This is where you get to get honest about the patterns, the beliefs, the behaviors that have kept you stuck. No, don't give me the vague bullshit. I want specifics, right? Don't give me like, I don't want to be insecure anymore. I don't want to make bad choices. I don't want to be too available. It's like, give me an example, right? I don't want to stay in a situation ship for six plus months, hoping they'll change when I knew it at month two that they wouldn't. I don't want to pretend I'm okay with casual when I want commitment because I'm scared asking for more will make them leave.

• 28:58Sabrina Zohar?

  I don't want to check their social media when I'm anxious instead of regulating myself. I'm done making excuses for inconsistent behavior because I don't want to believe what they're showing me. I'm done abandoning my plans, my friends, my needs when I'm in the early stages of dating someone. I'm done telling myself I'm being chill when I'm actually just scared to have standards. Get specific. Name the actual patterns. This is what we're leaving behind. I'll tell you what I'm leaving behind. I'm done allowing the internet to control who I am and how I view myself. I'm done letting the algorithm behold my fucking worth and tell me what I can and can't create. I'm done with that. I'm done trying to figure out what everybody else wants me to be. No more. No more. Because if I say I'm done being insecure, you're like, uh-uh, okay. What does that mean?

• 29:43Sabrina Zohar?

  Because you're a human. The second list that I want you to start to do, what are you calling into 2026? This is not about outcomes. It's not a boyfriend or an engagement. This is about experiences and feelings. So I don't want to hear I'm calling in a relationship or my person or love. It's like, it's just too vague. And that's why manifestation doesn't actually work. Because you don't just manifest like, I want a million dollars tomorrow. Sure, okay, you can want that all day, but maybe what it is, is that I want to make enough money to where I feel secure and confident that I can take care of myself and my loved ones. I want to have a different relationship with money so that I can feel comfortable and Confident when I lose or what I gain. That's more tangible than just like, I want this. I want love. Oh, okay. What does that look like? Right? So maybe what I want is I want mutual effort.

• 30:27Sabrina Zohar?

  I want someone who pursues me as much as I pursue them. Reciprocity. I want emotional safety. I want to feel like I can express my needs without punishment. I want consistency. I want to know where I stand without having to guess. I want to grow together. Right? I want a relationship where we both want to be together and get better. I want peace, baby. Being with someone who feels like calm, not chaos. And I'm being chosen clearly. I don't want ambiguity. I don't want situationships. I want someone who's proud to be with me. What do you want to feel in the relationship? That's what we're calling in. That's why the somatic work is so beautiful. Right? Like, it's not just all about the, oh, what am I thinking? What am I feeling? Right? Like, I even sometimes think like, I want to feel safe to take a day off. And I sometimes have to look and say, what am I working so hard for? What am I working so hard for? And I'm like, for freedom, for flexibility, to be able to enjoy a day off.

• 31:12Sabrina Zohar?

  Okay, well, am I giving myself that? I think you guys know the answer. And now the third list. Who am I becoming to receive it? I think this is the most important. This is where you get to take responsibility for your part. What patterns do you need to change? What beliefs do you need to let go of? What skills do you need to build? Again, and I'm doing this with you guys. Some examples. Someone who trusts their gut the first time instead of waiting for proof. Someone who speaks up when something bothers them instead of letting it build. That's really important. That's what I've learned to do. Someone who can sit with the discomfort without immediately trying to fix it. Someone who's willing to leave when their needs aren't being met. Someone who chooses themselves even when it's fucking hard. Someone who believes they deserve the love that you want. Who do you need to become to have what it is that you're calling in?

• 31:55Sabrina Zohar?

  Because if you don't change, you'll get the same results with different faces. So, what do you do with these three lists? You don't just write them and forget them. That's what most people do with New Year's resolutions, and that's why they don't stick. I want you to put them somewhere you'll see them. And maybe that's your phone wallpaper, that's your bathroom, your journal, I don't care. And I want you to check in with them regularly. Maybe you can even set an alarm at the like, the first of every month or the last of every month, right? At the end of January, maybe in March and June, right? Am I living these? I want you to ask yourself, like, what slipped? What do I need to recommit? And here's the other reality. We gotta also be realistic with what it is that you want. I know accountability Matters, but you're not going to accidentally like change your patterns. You have to intentionally work on them. But what we also have to look at is how realistic they are in general. Right? Like, that's why we always say, you know, you want micro yeses.

• 32:40Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't want to just come out the gate with, oh, I'm going to change everything tomorrow. Cause your nervous system's like, yeah, the fuck you are. Right? I'm not going to sit here and be like, oh, next year I could be okay if I make zero dollars. Oh, no, I'm not okay. But maybe for me, what I'm, what I'm calling in is the, who I'm going to become is the person that can handle things no matter what. It's the person that believes in myself that it's going to come my way. It's the person that doesn't always go to the negative because I'm no longer that little girl. I think that's really cool. And I think it's really beautiful that all of us want to become a different version because that takes intentionality. So now I get to say every day, are my choices aligning with that? Am I doing what I need to do, right? State determines your story, determines your strategy. What state am I in? What's the story I've created and what's my strategy to get there?

• 33:25Sabrina Zohar?

  And so I think it's really important because I am leaving behind the need to be liked by everybody. I know, and I, I can feel it in my body as I say that my little is like, what do you mean? What are you talking about? We do need everybody to like us. But we don't. You don't, you just need the right people to like you. You need the right people that love you in the ways that you deserve to be loved. If you don't stand for something, you fall for everything. So before we close, I want to give you some permission. Because I know some of us need to hear this. You have permission to want what it is that you want. You're allowed to want a relationship. You're allowed to want commitment. You're allowed to want marriage and kids and a life with someone. Wanting these things doesn't make you desperate, that just makes you a human. You're allowed to want to be alone if that's it, to take a break, to focus on yourself, to not need to date right now. That's okay too.

• 34:10Sabrina Zohar?

  You're allowed to want what it is that you want without apologizing for it. You're allowed to have permission to be a little pickier, right? So you can want love and be selective about who you let in. Those aren't contradictions, those are two conflicting thoughts. Being picky isn't about being unrealistic, it's about being protective. It's having standards, it's refusing to settle for crumbs just because you're fucking hungry. You have permission to take breaks. You could take breaks from dating when you need them. That's not giving up, that's self-care babe, that's knowing when you need to fill your own cup. You can get off the apps, you can be available for love, whatever it is. Energy matters more than the effort sometimes. And if you're in a relationship and you're saying, I really want to show up differently now. How are you going to show up? You have permission also to change your mind. If you're in a relationship. You can say, you know what, you know what, last year I used to accept this.

• 34:55Sabrina Zohar?

  I'm not, right? People change, priority shift, you're allowed to evolve. And maybe you thought you wanted something and now you realize you don't and that's okay. You don't have to stick to the goals that no longer fit. You're also allowed to walk away. You can leave things that look good on paper, but felt really wrong in your body. You don't need a good enough reason. Feeling wrong is reason enough, right? Protecting your peace, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else. Now, let's talk about within reason, right? If literally everything's amazing and you have an incredible partner and you're just like, I'm out. Okay, well, take a reality check. Just because someone's nice to you, if you can't stand them or you're like bored with their company. And please don't stay just because everyone's like, yeah, but they're nice. But they're there for you. Yeah, and we're not doing charity work here. You also have permission to not have it fucking figured out.

• 35:39Sabrina Zohar?

  You don't need to know exactly what it is that you want. You don't need to be a perfect vision. You don't need to have a perfect vision. You can figure it out as you go. It's just stay connected to yourself. Pay attention to what feels right and what doesn't. Trust yourself to course correct when you need it. And you have permission to be hopeful and a bit protective. I don't need us to like go in, you know, shouldn't trust everybody. But you can believe in love and still have boundaries. You can be optimistic and still be cautious. Those aren't opposites. Hope doesn't mean naive. Protective doesn't mean that you're cut, closed off. Here's the fucking bottom line. You're allowed to want what you want. You're allowed to take your time to get it. And you're allowed to be imperfect in that process. You're a human. Let's fucking act like it. I know it's really hard and I do this to myself. Sometimes I'll be so hard on myself and I'm like, bitch. You need to let that go.

• 36:24Sabrina Zohar?

  You need to let the perfectionism go and just accept the messy parts of you that, yeah, you get a little anxious, yeah, you get a little sad. That's okay. What am I doing with it? This year isn't about just finding love. It's about becoming someone who can keep it. That's why I don't care whether you're in a relationship or not. It's not about what happens to you. It's about how you show up. It's not about the outcomes. It's about the patterns. That's also the book I wrote. I can't wait. You know what you're leaving behind. You know what you're calling in. Now the work is becoming the person who can receive it. So remember, the tool of the week is the three lists. I want you to do a monthly check in. You already wrote your list with me, so I want you to use them. Set a calendar reminder, again, first or the last of the month, I don't care. Pull out your lists and I want you to be real with yourself. Am I living this? What slipped away? What do I need to recommit to? And is there anything I necessarily need to add or change?

• 37:09Sabrina Zohar?

  And look, a justice needed, like it's not about rigid. It's guiding you. Maybe you thought that you wanted something and then you're like, maybe not. Your patterns don't change because the calendar does. They change because you keep showing up for yourself, month after month. Not perfectly, but consistently. And I'm really proud of you. Guys, like I said, the Healthy Dating Foundation course is open. If you're ready to do the work for real, not just for a week in January, but actually change your patterns this year, come do it with us. It's eight weeks and I would love to see you. The link is in show notes as always. And guys, thank you for being here. Thank you for trusting me with your healing and for showing up week after week. I don't think you guys know how much this community means to me because you guys are the family I didn't have. You're the people that show up for me even when others don't. You're the people that believe in me.

• 37:54Sabrina Zohar?

  At times, maybe when I didn't even believe in myself.

• 37:59Sabrina Zohar?

  And you're the reason I keep going every day. So, thank you. If you're here this far,

• 38:07Sabrina Zohar?

  I just want to say thank you. Because whenever you guys book with me or you ask a question or anybody joins and works with me, you don't know what that means to me, that I get to be here for another day. Every time you guys listen, share it with a friend. You guys don't understand what that means to me. I wouldn't be here without you. What audience would I have if you didn't show up every day? So, let's raise a glass. Or my Sabrina's O'Hara mug that you could purchase. Because I still have a lot, so go buy one. Here's to 2026. It's not about the year of finding love or success or anything. This is the beer about coming home to yourself, to be ready for whatever it is that you want. And this is the year where you're choosing you and you're no longer waiting for other people to do that. And it's okay if you slip up along the way.

• 38:53Sabrina Zohar?

  I got you and I'll help pick you up and we'll keep doing this together. So, let me know in the comments, what do you want to let go of? What do you want to bring in? Let's share it with each other. And guys, thank you as always for being here. Thank you for letting me show up as me and allowing you to show up as you. We couldn't do this any other way. And see you next week, babes.

• 39:21Speaker 00

  Coca-Cola. For the big, for the small, the short, and the tall. Peacemakers, risk-takers. For the optimists, pessimists. For long-distance love. For introverts and extroverts. The thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola. For everyone. Take out some Coca-Cola at a store near you.

• 39:51Speaker 04

  Ugh, I hate Mondays. King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Swirl Bite? Uh, Taylor Hansen? Sure, I'll try one. Mmm.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  Hey, let's get back to work, please.

• 40:01Speaker 04

  But Taylor Hansen's making my day way better with these new soft and swirly King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  Taylor Hansen? Nice.

• 40:08Speaker 04

  Try one.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 40:13Speaker 03

  King's Hawaiian Cinnamon Bites. There's nothing like it.