Dorinda Medley on Grief, Identity and The Real Housewives: ‘I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated.’

What happens when the life you thought you’d built - the one with love, money, recognition - seems to slip away? This week, Elizabeth speaks to Dorinda Medley, author, TV personality and iconic former Real Housewife of New York, about reinvention, resilience and learning to be okay with not being liked by everyone. Dorinda opens up about the loss of her husband, the loneliness that followed fame, and why her departure from Housewives was both painful and necessary. This is a raw, funny, emotional conversation with a woman who’s lived many lives - and isn’t afraid to talk about all the ways they’ve fallen apart. ✨ IN THIS EPISODE: 00:00 Intro 02:12 Life After Reality TV 03:30 Authenticity and Public Perception 06:37 Dealing with Grief and Loss 14:06 Finding Strength in Vulnerability 19:14 The Impact of Fame 21:56 Housewives' First Visit to Blue Stone Manor 23:03 Behind the Scenes Drama 23:32 Staying Connected with Castmates 25:36 Dealing with Trolls and Haters 29:00 Coping with On-Screen Conflicts 31:19 Reflecting on the Housewives Experience 32:48 Blue Stone Manor Tag Sale 35:57 Life Lessons and Moving Forward 💬 QUOTES TO REMEMBER: “A lot of people mourn by crying. I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated.” “If you want to love me, great. If you don’t, I’m okay with that.” “There’s a difference between missing Housewives and wanting to do it again.” 🔗 LINKS + MENTIONS: Join our community of subscribers here: https://howtofail.supportingcast.fm/#content Have a failure you’re trying to work through for Elizabeth to discuss? Click here to get in touch: howtofailpod.com Join Elizabeth at an upcoming one-off show at Cadogan Hall on 21 Sep for her new novel One of Us: ⁠https://www.fane.co.uk/elizabeth-day Watch How To Fail on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HowToFailPodcast Instagram: @howtofailpod / @elizabday TikTok: @howtofailpod / @elizabday Elizabeth’s Substack: https://theelizabethday.substack.com/ 💌 LOVE THIS EPISODE? Subscribe to How To Fail on Spotify, Apple or wherever you get your podcasts Leave us a 5⭐ review – it helps more people discover these conversations Share this episode with someone navigating grief or reinvention 📚 WANT MORE? Stanley Tucci on grief, identity and the taste of memory https://listen.sonymusic-podcasts.link/pbegMUD1?at=1010l396Y Miriam Margolyes on fame, failure and finally giving fewer f*cks https://listen.sonymusic-podcasts.link/PJdd42Bp?at=1010l396Y Mo Gawdat on how to solve for happiness https://listen.sonymusic-podcasts.link/RhEwJYA2?at=1010l396Y Production & Post Production Coordinator: Eric Ryan Studio Engineer: Sam Bair Sound Engineer: Matias Torres Assistant Producer: Suhaar Ali Senior Producer: Hannah Talbot Executive Producer: Carly Maile How to Fail is an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment Production. Find more great podcasts from Sony Music Entertainment at sonymusic.com/podcasts To bring your brand to life in this podcast, email [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  I think reality TV is very different now. You know, there's a lot of influencers, it's a lot more curated. You know, we were like raw footage, let's face it. And I think our audience trusted that we were exactly who we are and we're authentic. So when people meet me, they always say, "You're exactly like we thought you would be."

• 0:19Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  I really haven't dated a lot of people. I was the marrying girl.

• 0:22Elizabeth Day?

  Hello and welcome to How to Fail with Elizabeth Day. This is the podcast that's all about reclaiming and reframing failure. Not as something to be ashamed of, not as something that defines us, but as something that we can learn from that might be a lesson wrapped up in a mistake.

• 0:41Elizabeth Day?

  One of the things we talk about a lot on How to Fail is how difficult it can be to take that first step and starting a business is no exception. With Black Friday approaching, it's a great time to turn an idea into reality. Shopify makes launching an online store easier with ready-made themes and AI-powered tools, including Sidekick, its AI assistant, which helps you set up your shop and plan promotions without needing coding skills. Whether you're exploring a new venture or finally acting on an idea you've had for years, Shopify gives you the tools and support to get started with confidence and make the most of the busy shopping season.

• 1:21Elizabeth Day?

  If you're ready to launch your business before Black Friday, go to Shopify.co.uk/fail to start your free trial. That's Shopify.co.uk/fail. Go to Shopify.co.uk/fail today to hear your first...

• 1:38Elizabeth Day?

  My guest today is a woman who became a reality TV star not by being perfect, but by being real. Dorinda Medley is best known for her six unforgettable seasons on The Real Housewives of New York, where her wit, warmth and iconic catchphrases made her famous. Whether she was making it nice at her beloved Bluestone Manor or telling Sonia Morgan to "clip it," Medley was never afraid of showing her flaws and that arguably was what made her so compelling to watch. But before the glamour and the gifts, she lived many lives. Born and raised in the Berkshires, Massachusetts, she started working in fashion after graduating from college.

• 2:21Elizabeth Day?

  She relocated to London with her first husband, a Scottish banker, where she launched a cashmere line. Her clients included the late Princess Diana. After a decade abroad and a divorce, Medley returned to the States as a single mother. A second marriage to DC power broker Richard Medley was tragically cut short when he died after only six years of their being together. Signing up for The Real Housewives in 2015 was a radical act of reinvention and one which catapulted her into popular culture. Since her time on the show, Medley has published a memoir starred in two seasons of Ultimate Girl's Trip and was recently on The US Traitors.

• 3:03Elizabeth Day?

  She also co-hosts a daily radio show, Reality Checked, on Sirius XM. "Being on television has reinforced two big things for me," Medley once reflected. "One, that the audience is very forgiving and so is the world. And two, that the audience feels they know you, that you're a kindred spirit." Dorinda Medley, welcome to High to Fail.

• 3:29Speaker 00

  So happy to see you. And I have to say, I sound so much more important with that British accent. I feel like I'm on BBC. It's so good.

• 3:38Elizabeth Day?

  Thank you so much.

• 3:39Speaker 00

  Isn't it interesting how we, when we listen to others talk about yourself, it's both incredibly warm and also a tinge of sadness? I don't know why that is.

• 3:51Elizabeth Day?

  Well, I suppose sometimes it might sound a bit like a eulogy.

• 3:54Speaker 00

  Maybe it's that, and it's just pulling you back into those moments and with your voice so melodic, it's like, whoa, yeah, I know that girl.

• 4:02Elizabeth Day?

  Well, not only do I feel I know you through the medium of reality TV, but I'm lucky enough actually to have gotten to know you. And I have to say that you are even better in person than you are on screen. But I wonder what most people say to you on the street when they recognize you. What's the number one thing that people say?

• 4:22Speaker 00

  You make it nice. No, I know what you mean by that question. I think the thing, and I think that's one of the reasons why our cast did so well, is we were authentically ourselves. We went on and, and I can say that wholeheartedly. When, if you see Luann and I out, you will literally say they're exactly like they are on TV. So we didn't come on TV to present you with our personalities or present you with something and, you know, create these personalities. They're there. So I think, I read recently that authenticity is far more powerful than love.

• 5:01Elizabeth Day?

  Oh.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Yes. You know, because authenticity has staying power. It creates nostalgia. It's something that creates, you know, a feeling of warmth and safety, right? Trust. And I think our audience trusted that we were exactly who we are and we're authentic. So when people meet me, they always say, and to stop all of my cast, "You're exactly like we thought you would be."

• 5:24Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 5:25Speaker 00

  Obviously, it's a little bit more on steroids when you're on TV. And there is the edit. Not that I ever blame an edit, but you know, it is reality TV. But pretty much, you know, I'm, I'm a character. Luann's a character. Sonya's a character. And we, we really are those people in our lives.

• 5:41Elizabeth Day?

  Do you ever regret having been too authentic or too real, too honest about yourselves? Because I imagine you forget the cameras are there after a while.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. I think in order to, I think people don't understand that the cameras aren't just there for the scenes you see. There's sometimes, we film six, eight hours a day. And especially on the girls' trips, we're filming from eight in the morning till 11 at night.

• 6:04Elizabeth Day?

  Wow.

• 6:05Speaker 00

  So you do forget, but I think you, I think, I think to be unaware of the camera, I think to sign up for reality TV is you have to just take that mask down of everything we learned in kindergarten, that great book, and just say, Here it is. You have to take the mask off and say, I'm not going to think it too much, I'm just going to say it, right?

• 6:23Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah. What do you think that reality TV has taught you about failure?

• 6:28Speaker 00

  You know, it's so funny, when you asked, when I got that email yesterday and you asked me that, I couldn't, usually I'm very quick on my feet, what are your successes, what are your regrets, what would you tell your younger self, I could just banter it off. But that word failure was really, it kind of took me back at first when I got your email, right? Because I'm thinking, huh, like, that's not a word that I have allowed to really be in my life, because failure to me equals fear, fear equals failure, and failure and fear mean you can't do it. So, but, I also am hypocritical in saying that a lot, because

• 7:08Speaker 00

  my failures have really helped me to, you know, pick up and get stronger and turn my failures into learning lessons, saying, oops, that didn't work. And within that failure, it has taught me to be very clever about my pivots.

• 7:26Elizabeth Day?

  Yes. Well, that is, you are amongst friends here, because that is the total premise of this podcast, and you've put it so beautifully. I hadn't realised until I researched this interview, that it was only four years after Richard died, that you started on Rony.

• 7:42Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 7:43Elizabeth Day?

  Do you think you were still grieving?

• 7:45Speaker 00

  I know I was still grieving. And more than grieving, I was sort of like, I always say, I was like a toothpick in the ocean. You know, here I was, almost, you know, 50 years old. I'm not a huge believer in just luck. I don't, I find it a bit frustrating when people say, I can't believe that happened, because I'm very much of a follow the breadcrumb person. I mean, I think I would have been a great CIA agent, you know, and I always say, I always say to people, you know, if you plant tulips, don't be angry when roses don't show up. So I'm really about planting the garden, having the patience for the garden to grow, providing the Garden with what it needs. So I get what I planted.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  And strangely, I've been like that for a very long time. Even when I was dating, when I first came to New York, I realized a couple of things, that I was clever, that I was good enough looking, and that I was social. Like I had a bit of, my mother always said, Dorinda Medley, you have one, Dorinda Sankala, you have something going for you, you have charisma. And when you walk in a room, you will be noticed. So if you're good, you're going to be great. If you're bad, you're going to be terrible. And I remembered that.

• 8:58Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah.

• 8:59Speaker 00

  And I did always know that, you know, I had something that people would pick me out or want to talk to me. And when I came to New York, I was very curated about what I did, who I dated. And it wasn't a form of snobbery. It wasn't a form of, you know, social climbing or gold digging. I just, I knew from an early age that in order, with really no money, no contacts, coming from a small town in Great Barrington, that, you know, I could have been the girl that married the wealthiest man in my town. But somewhere along the journey, with the help of my mother, who always has had such a big belief in me

• 9:43Speaker 00

  and, and her children, but especially me. I always think about that now, and I write about it in my book, is that I needed to do, I had to be very careful about my choosing because each step was going to mean I didn't have to go back to the Berkshires. So I kind of didn't date certain people because I was like, that's not going to be a good father. That person has problems that I don't want to take on in my life. I had sort of what I thought was my vision board of my life very early on. Now, of course, the vision board has been taken down and scribbled on and stamped on. And that's okay, I got new pen and paper, different color crayons, right? But I kind of had a set belief in myself and my vision board very early on.

• 10:28Elizabeth Day?

  So you were planting these seeds. So when Rony turned up, we started this conversation talking about how you were still grieving when you did it. But was there something about the offer?

• 10:39Speaker 00

  All of a sudden, I kind of at marrying Richard and, and just really experiencing total accepting love.

• 10:48Speaker 00

  Because I really didn't date a lot after my first marriage because I was then very focused on Hannah and I was like, well, I got divorced. Yeah, Hannah, my daughter.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  I was like, well, I got divorced, she didn't. So we cannot now rock the apple cart and start bringing in a lot of people and a lot of situations. I need her father present. And I always believed, maybe it's very old fashioned, but when you start to bring other apes into the jungle, like it causes problems. So I was like, you, her father has to be still the number one man in her life. So I had never even had anyone sleep at my house ever, the whole time I was dating after I divorced her father.

• 11:28Speaker 00

  And Richard came along and he just was like, he fit all the marks. He was accepting of me, he was accepting of my situation, he was accepting of my hopes and goals, he was accepting of Hannah wholly and purely and what I could, and he was accepting of what I would allow her to be. Like you couldn't have me unless we come as a unit. So I kind of remember at one point, I truly remember this because here's a secret. I had a big wedding at the Four Seasons and I got married at Brick Church and we were at the Four Seasons Fountain Room. I had been married like a month after he got engaged to me because, and we literally went down to Town Hall and got married and really did a Sex and the City, had lunch at a diner with my parents.

• 12:14Speaker 00

  Because I said to Richard after we got engaged, he said, okay, now you can move in with me and bring Hannah. I was like, oh, no, no, no, that's just a ring. Like if we gotta make this shit legal if you want to be. So he said, fine. He said to me once, you're like a, like a crazy horse in a stable that just keeps kicking the door down. Just let's go down to Town Hall and do it. So, and then I moved in with him and I remember after we did that, knowing the secret, we, very few people knew, I thought, Dorinda Medley, now Medley, you have figured it out. All the way from Great Britain here, you own a beautiful townhouse, a wonderful husband, he's successful, he's stable, he loves my daughter. Like I really was like, goddamn it, girl, you did it.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  You got to the top of the mountain. You are there, right? This was the vision board. This is the vision board. Look at me. Like I was quite chuffed about myself, right? Take six years later, I'm back at the bottom of the mountain again. Hannah's gone to college. I am that much older. Richard's burying a husband and I'm almost turning 50. I'm thinking, really? Now what? Because the two kind of, for me, most favorite labels, if not three, mother, my husband, and family was kind of gone in one year. Right? So I took some, you know, I kind of reconnected, not that I ever disconnected, but really

• 13:41Speaker 00

  kind of went back, did my mourning, kind of was thinking, what, like, am I too young, too old? Do I start, what? Like, it was that weird thing, I was too young, too old. Like, do I start another, like, what? You know, do I sell blues to my, where am I? Like, it truly was like, like, what? So, you know, Ramona was, always was a very dear friend, Luann and all of them. I always stayed in contact with them. And, you know, they had asked me previously to be on and I would always be in the background in scenes. I don't know if you look at that.

• 14:11Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah, don't you worry.

• 14:13Speaker 00

  So Ramona said to me one day, enough. Like, you need to do something now. And, you know, it would be great, you'd be great at Housewives. I mean, you don't, everybody, you've been on and you know us and just, just do Housewives for a year and do something. Because, and I thought, you know what? She said, you can be a friend. You can be a friend. And if you don't like it, you can leave. It's four months, four months of filming, right? And I thought, so I think I kind of did. It's so funny because now it's much more of a bigger process. I had lunch with Ramona and Lisa Shannon, or it wasn't even Lisa Shannon, one of the people, and they were like, okay, you can be on. You know, it was that simple. I don't remember thinking of it as auditioning. I'm thinking of, I'm gonna do this.

• 14:57Elizabeth Day?

  And your life changed and so did ours as viewers. And we're going to come back to Housewives as it pertains to one of your failures. But your first failure is playing Superwoman. And as you put it to me, I played Superwoman so long, I forgot how to be vulnerable and allow outside people to help me. So tell me, when you, when you first realized this about yourself?

• 15:21Speaker 00

  After Richard died.

• 15:24Speaker 00

  And that's why I could do housewives. It all feeds because I knew that I came to New York City, you know, without a lot of money, a lot of, not a lot of opportunity. And I was always, I never, I was very careful not to show too many flaws and keep it, you know, and do everything right and follow the rules and never be unhappy, you know, and mourn personally. And, you know, it's, it's not that I was superficial, it's just that I wanted to appear strong. I can do everything. I even remember with Ralph, you know, my first husband, who, by the way, I still love today, and he's a great guy, and he's very close to Hannah, and I attribute all of Hannah's, you know, a lot of, not all of Hannah's success, because Hannah owns her own success, but

• 16:07Speaker 00

  her success, a lot of her success in her life, not just from me, but from both of us. But, you know, I even remember when we moved to London for the first time, I didn't know a soul. I mean, my best friends were at Peter Jones. I'd go visit people at Peter Jones at the candle place. There was that Florio brand, I think it was called.

• 16:25Elizabeth Day?

  Yes, yeah, it's still there.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  I became, I actually had lunch with them at L'Oréal one day, because I just was looking for a friend, right? And, you know, I just studied how the women dressed and studied how they set tables and took, took a course at the Lee School and really made sure if Ralph had to go to work at 5:15 in the morning, I was up waiting for him. Made sure I knew when he came home, made sure I laid out his clothes, made sure I took on this investment banker's wife, never looking scared or unknowledgeable. Like, I watched the way lady so-and-so did stuff. I watched the way people, you know, dressed their children when they were in the park. So, I, I became a study of that. And I just always was afraid that, I think, I could do it. No, there was no, there was no no. Absolutely.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  Are you tired? No. Would you throw this away? Absolutely. You know, everything was yes, yes. And, you know, the truth of the matter is, when I look back at that now...

• 17:22Speaker 00

  I was afraid. I was young. I had no friends. There was no phones. I couldn't barely contact my family, you know, because there was no cell phones, no FaceTime. There were a lot of times when Ralph was thankfully working 12, 14 hours a day and gone three days a week, and I had a brand-new baby, that I wanted my mother.

• 17:41Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  But I couldn't do that. So I didn't reach out to a lot of people and say, and when my mother would call and be like, "How are you doing?" I'm like, "I'm fine. It's great. It's wonderful. We just moved into a new place, and I'm so excited. We're going to the Venice..." Like, it was all that.

• 17:56Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah.

• 17:57Speaker 00

  And then now I feel like I'm much more, I'm much more saying, "I don't want..." That frightens me. Like, "And I need your help. Can I talk to you?" I even texted someone the other day, and after I texted, I thought, "Oh, should I put that in text?" I said, "Listen, can I, if you get time, can you call me back? I'm feeling sad today." And after I sent it, I kind of, because I sent a flaw.

• 18:22Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, well done for sending the text, first of all.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:26Elizabeth Day?

  And thank you so much for talking about this, because it's so relatable. And this is the thing, we connect as humans through our vulnerability.

• 18:32Speaker 00

  That's it.

• 18:33Elizabeth Day?

  It makes you more lovable. It makes me feel closer to you when you do me the honor of sharing something like that.

• 18:39Speaker 00

  And that's what housewives lied me. So when you go full circle, all of a sudden, because I didn't really give a shit anymore, you know, and I was still grieving, for me, I wasn't great at therapy. I mean, I went to it like three times. I was like, "I don't want to talk about him." Like, I wasn't great at it. And I found myself getting very insular and angry. A lot of people mourn by crying a lot and stuff. I was angry. I was lost. I felt like I got cheated, you know? So it was a great way for me to work through my... Really, housewives, and I always thank Andy Cohen for this and the Bravo world, it was really a place where I was able to go through a lot of my mourning. I met Carol

• 19:21Speaker 00

  Raisewell, who we had that incredible bonding scene with in London.

• 19:25Elizabeth Day?

  I remember.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  It opened up a bigger world, and I just was able to be vulnerable and not care. I'm not perfect. Don't always get it right. This is who I am, and I'm going to give you this. You can take it. You can do what you want with it. If you want to love me at the end of it, great. If you don't, that's okay, too. But maybe you'll learn a lesson. Both good and bad.

• 19:47Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Do do that and don't do that. You know what I mean? And I'm OK with that now.

• 19:53Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  Because I have been doing the right thing for a long time.

• 19:58Elizabeth Day?

  It's like it was your own version of therapy.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Correct.

• 20:02Elizabeth Day?

  And it came at this very powerful time. As you said, you turned 50. It's like you've had this whole other life.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. And the great thing about it, there was another turning point. I remember I probably, I had no idea really what fame was or what fame does or how it affects you. Like, remember when The Housewives first came out, the first episode came out? And I was down at my fruit stand in my pajama bottoms in a, because it's across the street, in a hoodie, because I always run down and get some fruit after. And this person turned to me and said, oh, my God, is it you? And I was like, I don't know. Where did we meet?

• 20:38Speaker 00

  And it just took me by, and I thought, oh, no, she knows me from the show. And it was that moment where you really, a veil went down, where I realized, now I have given my life to everybody.

• 20:52Elizabeth Day?

  Mm, that's scary.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  And it was scary. But what it did do is it, people fell in love with me for the first time since I was a little girl, not because I was Dorinda Lynch, you know, Ralph's wife. I wasn't an investment banker's wife. I wasn't Hannah's mom. I wasn't Mr. Medley's wife. I was just Dorinda, Dorinda.

• 21:17Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  And it was the first time in a long time I was just, they were falling in love with me.

• 21:23Elizabeth Day?

  Beautiful.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  You know, or falling and not in love with me, but whatever it was, it was just all mine.

• 21:30Elizabeth Day?

  They were seeing you.

• 21:32Speaker 00

  Yes. You know, I think that what it did to The Housewives, which is really kind of a, probably a weird thing to hear, it made Richard's death a gift.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  Because I was able to give it to the world and take what I learned from it. Because, you know, we, I was young. I was a young widow. So I remember a woman saying to me at Eli's one day, I said, oh, my God. She was like in her eighties and I was having a drink at the bar and I said, I'm a widow too. She goes, oh, no, you're not a widow. I'm sorry, your husband died, but you need a different name because you are too young to say those words. And, and it really, I think I was able to give that gift, the gift of A, what I had to go through and B, the fact that I was still a relatively young and vibrant woman to be a widow. And I, I cannot tell you the women, the people, the community that has reached out to me over the years and still does. So powerful.

• 22:31Elizabeth Day?

  One of the things I hear a lot from listeners is how tiring it can be when your mind just doesn't settle. And I can only imagine this feels even heavier with intrusive thoughts. It's that quiet sense of being worn down by something you never asked for and never wanted, but just can't seem to switch off. If you struggle with this, I want to tell you about NoCD because it's a resource that genuinely helps people. NoCD provides specialized treatment for OCD. And what I appreciate about their approach is how human it feels. You're matched with a licensed therapist trained in ERP therapy. That's Exposure and Response Prevention. And over time, you learn skills that help your OCD symptoms become manageable so you can live more of the life you want to live.

• 23:16Elizabeth Day?

  If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NoCD can help. Book a free 15 minute call to get started at learn.nocd.com/fail. Richard bought you Blue Stone Manor.

• 23:31Speaker 00

  I know.

• 23:32Elizabeth Day?

  Blue Stone Manor, for anyone who hasn't seen Housewives, is iconic. Basically, Blue Stone Manor is the extra housewife in your seasons.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  It's the Disney of Bravo.

• 23:43Elizabeth Day?

  It's incredible.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  It's the Disney castle of Bravo, I always say, and I'm the Cinderella that lives there.

• 23:48Elizabeth Day?

  It's so incredible. What was it like having your housewife's castmates there the first time?

• 23:57Speaker 00

  Wow, that was an experience because you know, I come from, I come from when you, imagine the first year, I'm still like thinking, I'm still a person with, and these are women that are gonna have boundaries and like not say what they're thinking.

• 24:11Elizabeth Day?

  Yes, of course.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  And you know, execute the sort of social graces you do when you're a guest, right? But then I realized, so when, so of course, I'm very proud and they're gonna come here and see Bluestone Manor, it's gonna be beautiful and I'm gonna cook and clean and decorate and make it nice and they're gonna respond to it in that way. And when it didn't go that way, I was like, who the hell are these people? Because you know, in the end, I think we probably created some of our greatest TV.

• 24:41Elizabeth Day?

  Agreed.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  Up there, we have gone through things. I always love about Bluestone Manor because it's on 1819 acres, you have to go through a gate and a long driveway. So when you are up there, you're there, like you're there there. So what happens, and even off camera, the shit that happened that you guys didn't see, but all I know is we'd all wake up in the morning, whatever disasters were happening the night before, somehow we all got our shit together and we were all back on it, kinda, you know, sharing our French toast, doing the next thing. That was the great thing. Like we were able to create this great TV and have our arguments, but somehow get right back on the horse and keep it moving. And we're like that in real life.

• 25:27Speaker 00

  If I could show you, I'm on a group text right now with me, and we all do, we stay in touch all the time, me, Luann, Sonia, Jill, Ramona. And sometimes I'll just sit there and I think, I would never, because I, but I could publish these and it's like a show, just the way, they're not even speaking, they're texting and I can hear their voice and I can hear the disagreements and then it starts like, let me just give you this, something was said yesterday and Luann responded, oh well darling, because I could hear her voice, are you out of your mind or minds, should I say?

• 26:08Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, this is so amazing. Wait, who sends the longest texts?

• 26:13Speaker 00

  Sonia.

• 26:14Elizabeth Day?

  Okay, does anyone?

• 26:16Speaker 00

  Understandably.

• 26:17Elizabeth Day?

  Does anyone voice note?

• 26:18Speaker 00

  No.

• 26:19Elizabeth Day?

  No.

• 26:20Speaker 00

  We're old school.

• 26:21Elizabeth Day?

  Okay, does anyone, does anyone send gifs?

• 26:26Speaker 00

  Like hearts? Like heart things?

• 26:28Elizabeth Day?

  I love you. No, there's like a little video thing, like a meme.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 26:32Elizabeth Day?

  No.

• 26:32Speaker 00

  We're very, we're very old school. Yeah.

• 26:36Elizabeth Day?

  I am obsessed.

• 26:37Speaker 00

  And there's a lot of like, you know, is anyone, I'm going for coffee at the Carlisle's, anyone around? You know, because we're, because we've all, you gotta remember. We've been swimming in this.

• 26:46Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 26:47Speaker 00

  People don't think, it's not, it's not pretend. We've all known each other for a long time. We've been through marriages and divorces and children and baptisms and parties after parties. Yeah. I mean, that was, there was a time in New York where we, we only really, because the downtown was kind of off limits. It was a little bit more scary back in the late eighties and early nineties. And, and so everybody really existed on the Upper East Side. Because there wasn't as many wandering places as there are now, just like London. You know, it's gotten much more expensive. So at any one night, you always ran into everyone and we all went to the five, same five cocktail parties.

• 27:28Elizabeth Day?

  I love it. I love this for you. Um, your second failure is about Housewives. So it is that in the beginning, you got too emotionally and sometimes physically too upset about the negative feedback from trolls and haters.

• 27:42Speaker 00

  It was terrible. The first time I finally did something that, uh, you know, because in the beginning everyone's like, oh, we love her. She's so great. They're in the movies fantastic. So of course I'm like, yes.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  They love me.

• 27:58Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah. Like Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  And then the haters and the trolls start to seep. And then you have a bad episode. And, and I remember just like getting obsessed with these comments and physically feeling unwell and breaking out in hives and thinking, oh my God. And it's so fast and it's so furious and it's one of the first things that you have no control over. You can't even explain yourself because it's out there in this universe that you don't even know about. And you think it's, you at the time think your life is over and it's going to bind you for the rest of your life, even if the things aren't true,

• 28:40Speaker 00

  some of them. Someone called, you know, we love, you know, Dorinda on stairways, whatever, has said that you're this person and then 92 people have replied to it. And you're like, you're like, so, and what I loved about it is I remember talking to Luann about it one day. She goes, oh, darling, no complaining, no explaining. Who cares? You know, so I really had to learn to, and these Housewives are great because no matter what happens, they don't care about what Charlotte in Cincinnati says, you know, they really don't. They're like, as Sonia would say, well, I didn't know her yesterday. I'm not going to know

• 29:20Speaker 00

  her tomorrow. You know, they're just very good at like focusing on the good because I'm such a perfectionist in a lot of ways and I micromanage. And what people don't realize about me is I'm very sensitive and very vulnerable. Like, I could always almost cry at a drop of anything. Like, I guess someone hurts my feelings, I will make it home, but I will bawl my eyes out.

• 29:46Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, I'm totally the same. And it's because you care. That's the thing. So if you're caring about people, you can't only care about the good things.

• 29:55Speaker 00

  But I couldn't give that to the audience anymore. It's not that I didn't care about my audience, but I couldn't take it all so seriously like I had in my private life. Like, if a very good friend hurt my feelings at a dinner, you had, I had to distinguish that, like, you know, George from Minneapolis was just having a moment with me. And I started to do a very clever thing that I suggest to people, instead of trying to engage at this level of explaining, which would just turn more disastrous, right?

• 30:23Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 30:23Speaker 00

  I would just write back, I'm sorry you feel that way with a big heart. And then when I got humanized in these Instagram things, people would be like, oh, no, no, I didn't mean it that way. I just thought, love you, Dorinda. Because the minute I became humanized, because I realized a lot of that is just, people on the internet just... Having fun, being mean, feeling maybe something's going on in their life that they they they they feel that way about themselves. It's just an opportunity. But and they've dehumanized you a little bit.

• 30:54Elizabeth Day?

  So how hard was it, leaving aside the social media commentary of it and the people that you didn't know commenting, how hard was it when someone hurt your feelings on the show? Or would you'd have an argument with someone?

• 31:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was hurtful. Yeah, it was. And sometimes it resonated. And sometimes it took us to get off season and kind of go back into our lives and have a moment. Because, listen, after filming so intensely for four months, you have to decompress. I say it's like, I always say this, it's like doing it. It's like being an NFL professional football player in the NFL. You go in there, it's you. You beat each other like crazy. You you play the game its best, no matter what, at all costs. And then when you get off the field, it takes a minute for the bruises to heal. But at the end of the day, the team's all having dinner together at some point again. And in order to be a good group, and I think a group that really knows each other, and that's why that's so important

• 31:52Speaker 00

  in a lot of ways, is you have to be able to to do that. You have to be able to recover. And sometimes people don't. I mean, you know, sometimes.

• 32:01Elizabeth Day?

  Were you about to say Bethany?

• 32:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:03Elizabeth Day?

  I could see I could see a B like forming in your mouth.

• 32:05Speaker 00

  No, no, I don't think I think Bethany left. But, you know, she left on her own. And we we all would have happily had her back. She brought in great ratings. She's Listen, whatever you think of Bethany, Bethany is great TV.

• 32:19Elizabeth Day?

  I agree. I think.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Epic.

• 32:21Elizabeth Day?

  But she's not on the group chat?

• 32:23Speaker 00

  No, no, because Bethany went off and did her own thing. And, you know, I don't think she particularly would want to be on the group chat, you know. So it's not organic to her anymore, I don't think.

• 32:34Elizabeth Day?

  Is there anything that you haven't been able to forgive from your time in Housewives?

• 32:40Speaker 00

  I don't think if I answered that or I thought that way, I I would have been authentically doing what I was doing.

• 32:46Elizabeth Day?

  That makes total sense.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  You know, it's just who we, you know, nothing was premeditated. I know people think they script us, or they stop. They would put our mics on outside in the car. You'd go and do. And then when they were done, they would take your mics off. We never saw a producer. We don't see the producers usually in a back room. It was just what it is. Then they take it and six months later, they edit it. We don't even know how they do that. And it comes out in a five minute clip.

• 33:14Elizabeth Day?

  Do you miss it?

• 33:15Speaker 00

  You know, I, someone asked me that the other day. I think I will always miss it. It's kind of like, um, there's a difference between miss it and want to do it again. Right? And I think that it was such a pivotal time in my life. I'm really, I love to be, like, I could live in a commune. So I love the idea of sororities, spring breaks, you know, being, having someone set up every day where you're all together and going on holidays. I miss all that. The filming was fun. I think reality TV is very different now. It's a little, I think people, you know, are more switched on. You know, there's a lot of influencers. It's a lot more curated. You know, we were like raw footage. Let's face it.

• 34:00Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah, it, I have said this multiple times before. The Real Housewives of New York, the old school one before the reboot, is one of the greatest TV shows of all time. It's certainly, to my mind, the greatest reality TV show.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  You think so?

• 34:14Elizabeth Day?

  Genuinely, I rewatched.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  You're not just saying that because I'm here.

• 34:16Elizabeth Day?

  I rewatched the whole thing during lockdown.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Especially the beginning, and I wasn't part of the beginning, so I can't take credit out.

• 34:21Elizabeth Day?

  The entire arc of it, let's, let's leave out the season before the reboot, the, the black Shabbat season. I'm not including that. But I rewatched the whole thing during the pandemic. It was my comfort watch and I rewatched it and it was just that it's incredible. And I just want to thank you for that. Thank you for being an iconic part of it.

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• 35:42Elizabeth Day?

  Before we get on to your third failure, I just want to return to Bluestone Manor and ask you how the fish room is.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Fish room is alive and well. One of the, one of the fish are actually at Watch What Happens Live Clubhouse.

• 35:55Elizabeth Day?

  You donated it. That's so generous. Okay.

• 35:58Speaker 00

  It had to be. Andy has one of the fish. And I think I'm doing a huge, you're not going to believe this, Bluestone Manor tag sale this summer.

• 36:05Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, where? Where? Where? In person or online?

• 36:10Speaker 00

  At Bluestone Manor.

• 36:11Elizabeth Day?

  Shut up.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  And online. It's time, Elizabeth. So it's been 20 years. Can you believe I've owned that house 20 years, 13 without Richard?

• 36:21Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, Dorinda.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  I mean, it's hard to believe that I was able to pull that one off. Sometimes I think, what the hell were you thinking it'd be? How did you, like, I never thought of it more than just getting through year to year.

• 36:32Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah.

• 36:33Speaker 00

  And somehow it's 20 years. But, you know, I've collected all this stuff and I just, I'm like, I'm, I'm done. You've got to understand, I've collected 20 years of stuff. I have like 15 Christmas trees. And you've got to remember, every Christmas I do a different thing.

• 36:46Elizabeth Day?

  It's because you make it nice.

• 36:47Speaker 00

  It's not like I put up the same, you know, there's some people like my mother who put the same Christmas decorations up for 50 years. Every year I'm like, this year is, you know, gingerbread houses. And starting in July, I'm doing everything. I thought I was some sort of producer in the house. It was the first time last year where here I am on a, going up, it's after Thanksgiving and I've ordered all this stuff. It's come in droves and like, and I'm thinking, I get it all up. There's a, I always have to have a team of people. We get the whole place turned into this winter wonderland. And, you know, Hannah's like, I'm not coming home until Christmas Eve and I have to, and this one and that one. And I remember walking around at like midnight thinking. I think we're done with decorating at this level.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  Like, I'll still always decorate, but like, like, I've been doing this for 20 years. I've had so many themes. Medusa, Candyland, Dracula's Wife.

• 37:43Elizabeth Day?

  Wait, Medusa?

• 37:44Speaker 00

  One year was, no, no, that was Halloween. Another Halloween was moss. Everything, my whole house was covered, every countertop in moss with worms and, and life and earth. Yeah. No, no, you don't know what's gone on to this. I thought I was some sort of producer in my mind, producing these

• 38:00Elizabeth Day?

  I love this.

• 38:01Speaker 00

  scenesapes in Bluestone Manor. And if people don't believe me, I have the pictures before Housewives, I was doing this.

• 38:08Elizabeth Day?

  And you can go to the sale and buy the wormy moss?

• 38:11Speaker 00

  You really can.

• 38:11Elizabeth Day?

  And you're selling your dining chairs, those iconic green velvet?

• 38:14Speaker 00

  No, I'm not selling those, but I am selling like books and I want to get rid of all my reunion dresses.

• 38:20Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, my goodness, this is amazing.

• 38:21Speaker 00

  It's time. Either I do it or it's, they're gonna, you know, I mean, it's so, the reason that made me do it is, I don't even, like, one day, I'm, I'm in the three-car garage, which is now filled up with stuff. And I said to Todd, just take out all the Christmas trees. I know that's a task. I had 17 Christmas trees, fake ones. That doesn't include the real ones I put up. Like, what?

• 38:44Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah. Well, this is good. This is, it's purging and this is what this podcast is all about.

• 38:49Speaker 00

  And I can buy new, yes.

• 38:51Elizabeth Day?

  Your, your final failure is not about the Christmas trees, but it's about staying too long at the wrong table.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  Ah, that is something I regret.

• 39:00Elizabeth Day?

  What do you mean by this?

• 39:02Speaker 00

  I just, I, I, I, like, the me now is much more savvy about saying, this doesn't work for me. You don't work for me. I don't like this and I don't want to do it. And all those things were just so encased with politeness and not wanting to unplease people and trying to make it work. If it was men, I mean, not that I've had a lot of men, but if it were relationships, friendships, jobs, situations, I just, you know, I just would.

• 39:37Speaker 00

  I would like the the thing would die and I would breathe life back into it for a little bit. You know, I kept putting it on life support until, you know, either it ended or I finally was so sick of it and so angry and then I would just blow it up. Like now, I I don't, I don't, I don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I, because what I would do in a lot of things, to get out of it, I would blow it up. You know what I mean?

• 40:04Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  As opposed to being just gracious, like, I'm so sorry. But I don't like the way this, like, you would with food, that doesn't taste good. I knew it never tasted good, but I just kept eating it to the point where I got an upset stomach and now I'm just pissed off.

• 40:18Elizabeth Day?

  Hmm, so you'd get angry?

• 40:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, get angry and through, you know, literally in order to get out of it, destroy it.

• 40:24Elizabeth Day?

  Right, and do you mean friendships as well?

• 40:27Speaker 00

  No, not even destroy it, but just like I would wait too long. Yes, even in friendships, I had to, and a lot of things, I just, you know, I would, I just now can, especially since Richard passed and stuff, I can much more easily, I, no is a powerful word.

• 40:42Elizabeth Day?

  Yes.

• 40:43Speaker 00

  No is like, and I don't think I ever gifted myself the word no. Now it comes very easily, too easily. People are like, do you want to have dinner downtown at Balzadar? I'm like, absolutely not.

• 40:54Elizabeth Day?

  And and that's the complete sentence? You don't say?

• 40:56Speaker 00

  Absolutely not. Do you, why, do you have something planned? No, I just don't want to go to Balzadar at nine o'clock at night.

• 41:02Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah.

• 41:03Speaker 00

  I'm tired.

• 41:04Elizabeth Day?

  Do you think turning sixty, which I can't even believe you have turned because you look incredible. Has turning sixty helped?

• 41:12Speaker 00

  Turning fifty helped, but turning into a widow helped.

• 41:16Elizabeth Day?

  That was the main, yeah, because suddenly I I guess you're realizing life is so short and fragile.

• 41:21Speaker 00

  Life is short, what am I doing? Like, where is all these people I've been pleasing? You know, like, you realize with all the people you have in your life. I saw a great meme the other day, it said, this is your twenties and it was a ton of people. This is your thirties, they got swat, this is your fif- forties, this is your fifties, and I said, this is your sixties, and it was just a picture of a dog.

• 41:45Elizabeth Day?

  Am I a six-year-old woman now?

• 41:48Speaker 00

  I was like, ain't that the truth, brother? Because even when you go through big traumas, like, that's a great way to weed out people. People that just stop showing up, right?

• 41:58Elizabeth Day?

  I completely agree, and I am a firm believer that a relationship is not a failure simply because it ends. Sometimes, actually, it's a successful relationship because it ends.

• 42:08Speaker 00

  Yes, that's how I feel about, I mean, I don't really, and it's interesting, I don't not talk to all anyone I dated, but I really haven't dated a lot of people. I was the marrying girl.

• 42:17Elizabeth Day?

  Yeah. Listen, I'm so happy to hear that at that top of that pyramid, there are still some real Housewives of New York in your WhatsApp group chat.

• 42:28Speaker 00

  Oh, yes, they're there right now. I got messages this morning.

• 42:31Elizabeth Day?

  Oh, send them my love. They don't know who I am, but do. And, Dorinda, as ever, I just adore hearing you talk. You are so smart, so charismatic, so funny, and I really, really want to thank you so much for coming on House of Fame.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  It's an honour when you asked. And then when I got to this very fancy building, I was like, wait a second, I gotta treat Elizabeth Day with some more respect.

• 42:54Elizabeth Day?

  Dorinda Medley, obviously, I made it nice for you.

• 42:57Speaker 00

  You did make it nice.

• 42:58Elizabeth Day?

  Okay, just leave us with an iconic catchphrase.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  I think, and I really believe in this one, eagles don't fly with pigeons. Eagles are eagles and do not eat the breadcrumbs. Stay an eagle, everyone.

• 43:14Elizabeth Day?

  Put that on a tote bag. Thank you so much, Dorinda, and you're staying to do some fading with friends?

• 43:20Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 43:23Elizabeth Day?

  Please do follow How to Fail to get new episodes as they land on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. Please tell all your friends. This is an Elizabeth Day and Sony Music Entertainment original podcast. Thank you so much for listening.