4 Surprising Secrets of Successful Relationships (What I Learned From a Fight with My Daughter)

Ready to level up your life!? 🔥 https://bit.ly/2024_launch 👈 Join my 6-month coaching program, Launch with Mel Robbins. You. Me. Six months. That’s all you need to create a life you LOVE. Let’s go! 🚀 — How do you have a “healthy” fight with your family? How do you repair a relationship with someone you love? Today Mel is joined by her husband Chris, their daughter Kendall, and their son Oakley to answer listener questions about all kinds of relationships. This is the perfect episode to listen to with your family. You’ll hear the Robbins’ insightful, powerful, fun, and sometimes hilarious advice on how to get along with and love everyone in your family. Hear Mel unpack the 4 important lessons she learned from a silly fight she had that morning with her daughter, Kendall (note: there is some cursing). In this conversation, Mel, Chris, Oakley, and Kendall discuss: The 4 important life lessons Mel learned from her fight with Kendall How to use the Let Them Theory to diffuse fights with family A smart relationship “trick” from a therapist that Mel and Chris love Mel’s funny story of how she ran into Reese Witherspoon How to repair a damaged relationship with your child When and how to apologize to your family What to do when someone you love is always angry at you The real reason you treat your family worse than you treat strangers What happens after high school that strengthens most parent-kid relationships? What happened when guilt made Kendall do something she didn’t want to? What to do when your kids don’t talk to you The reason family members start a fight The right moment to bite your tongue in an argument The one thing that will stop you from “advice vomiting” on your kids The one thing that helps when you feel left out of your friend group (or when you just miss your friends) What you need to know that will help you feel more confident after a move to a new home or school What happens the moment you meet your idol (it’s not what you think.) Follow the podcast: The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themelrobbinspodcast/ I’m just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is NOT intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I’ll see you in the next episode. In this episode: 00:00 Intro 02:24 Mel met her idol, and here’s how it went. 10:46 How you can repair a relationship where you messed up. 12:32 The reason we sometimes treat our family the worst. 14:10 The 2 things you should tell your upset or annoyed kids. 15:27 The importance of a parental apology. 16:07 How Kendalls perspective on family has changed with age and space. 17:13 The things Mel and Chris did that Kendall hated in high school 19:14: Let’s unpack the fight Mel and Kendall had this morning. 21:23 Ever try to make a workout class hungover? 25:48 Never let guilt make you do something you don’t want to do. 27:08 The 4 lessons Mel learned from her fight with Kendall. 29:16 What to do when your old patterns shine through in a conflict. 31:02 Remember the let them theory? This is how Mel uses it in family conflict. 35:36 The importance of expressing your needs without being prompted. 37:55 How to support a child who is the “new kid” at school. 40:55 The 3 small things you can start doing today to make new friends. — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Mel Robbins?

  Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

• 0:10Mel Robbins?

  I just had an intrusive thought to interrupt you. You had an intrusive thought? What do you mean? To just be like, "Welcome to Mel Rob-"

• 0:20Speaker 01

  Welcome to having kids on the show.

• 0:22Mel Robbins?

  All right, well, as you can tell, I'm not alone. I have our 18-year-old son Oakley, our 23-year-old daughter Kendall, and my awesome husband Christopher Robbins, all here at SiriusXM Studios in Los Angeles. And we have piles and piles and piles of questions from listeners that are directed at Kendall and Oakley. And so, we are just gonna rapid-fire your questions and crowdsource answers as a family. But before we start, can we please talk about the fact that I met Reese Witherspoon?

• 1:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00Mel Robbins?

  So, I gotta tell you this story. A couple days ago, in New York, I'm there for work. I get up early, I go exercise with Christine, who is our chief operating officer and your aunt. And we are walking back to the hotel that we're staying in. It's probably, I don't know, maybe quarter of 8 o'clock in the morning? And you know how when you walk into some hotels, there's two sets of doors? There's that first door on the outside, and then there's that little hallway area, and then the second set of doors? So, we open up the first set of doors to walk into the hotel. And just as we're stepping into that vestibule area, 7:45 in the morning, the second set of doors open up,

• 1:45Mel Robbins?

  and somebody walks through. And there is a woman behind him, walking with another woman. And the woman, who was shorter, was incredibly striking. And she had dark sunglasses on. And I noticed her out of the corner of my eye, but I was busy talking to Christine about something, because we had a busy day ahead of us. And as we pass by the two women-

• 2:15Mel Robbins?

  Reese Witherspoon was the one wearing the sunglasses. She walks past me and then stops. She lowers her sunglasses and reaches over and says, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I just want to tell you I'm a huge fan of yours and I really love your work. I'm Reese." And I nearly shat my pants.

• 2:47Speaker 02

  I would shit my pants.

• 2:49Mel Robbins?

  I admire her so much and I thought, "She knows who I am." And I'm like, "I know who you are. You're Reese freaking Witherspoon." And by the way, she looked gorgeous. I mean, she is so beautiful and inspiring and gracious and smart in real life. All the things that you would want her to be from, you know, seeing her afar. She is that in real life. And I couldn't believe that she knew me. I mean, this is a person that I admire. And so I was so floored by the whole thing and I was like, you know, "Of course I know who you are. Oh, my God, you know me." And she's like, "Of course." And she's like, "You did a great job on the Today Show yesterday." I'm like, "You saw me on the Today Show?"

• 3:32Mel Robbins?

  She's like, "Well, I'm here today to be on the Today Show." And so we start to talk. Now, by the way, she is ready to go on television and looks like a million dollars. I look like a troll. I have on Birkenstocks and socks and yoga tights. My hair pulled back, sweaty, greasy, disgusting. So we step outside and now I'm really self-conscious because like it's Reese Witherspoon. And we're on the sidewalk in New York City and so I don't want to take up too much of her time and I don't want to draw attention and I don't want to be a weirdo. But at the same time, I am freaking out. And she says, "I've been wanting to meet you and there's a bunch of stuff we're working on."

• 4:13Mel Robbins?

  And then we started talking about some other things and literally I met Reese Witherspoon. And she asked me if I would want to come do something with her. And I'm like, "Yes, I would." And you know, you think those things happen. You're like, "Okay, that'll never happen. Maybe she was just being very gracious." When I looked on Instagram, she had already DM'd me. Guys, I met Reese Witherspoon. What are you thinking, Oak?

• 4:39Speaker 01

  It's awesome. It's awesome.

• 4:41Mel Robbins?

  It's awesome because, you know, it's one thing when somebody recognizes you, but it's a whole nother thing when it's somebody that you really admire. Like, I'm not the kind of person that really cares about famous people. I'm not starstruck ever. You guys have seen me meet a bunch of famous people. Am I ever really that starstruck?

• 5:03Speaker 01

  No.

• 5:04Mel Robbins?

  Because we're all just human beings.

• 5:06Speaker 01

  No, but people stop you because they admire you.

• 5:10Mel Robbins?

  That's true. That's true.

• 5:15Speaker 03

  Like, the feeling you have meeting Reese is how every other person feels meeting you.

• 5:22Mel Robbins?

  Really?

• 5:23Speaker 01

  Were you scared when you met her? Were you nervous?

• 5:26Mel Robbins?

  Kinda.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  I mean Reese is-

• 5:29Mel Robbins?

  Like, not even kinda. Yes. Like, I felt that moment. Like, have you ever felt that moment when you're... Where all of a sudden your tongue gets really tied up or swollen and your mouth is dry? And then your brain starts slowing down the moment and you can't quite find the words?

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 5:45Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 5:46Mel Robbins?

  I just... I didn't know what to say. I was so overcome by the fact that she

• 5:55Mel Robbins?

  admires what I'm doing, because I admire what she's doing. And that was... That was a really cool moment for me.

• 6:05Speaker 01

  That is cool.

• 6:06Mel Robbins?

  And of course, I was wearing socks with Birkenstocks when that happened.

• 6:09Speaker 03

  Birkenstocks. Birkenstocks.

• 6:11Speaker 01

  Dude, I wear Birkenstocks.

• 6:12Mel Robbins?

  Vermont represent, man. So that was really cool. Is there somebody that you would love to bump into that you really admire?

• 6:23Speaker 01

  Probably Jack Kornfield, Mark Nepo.

• 6:27Mel Robbins?

  Who are those guys?

• 6:29Speaker 01

  Thought leaders in the field of contemplative, uh...

• 6:41Speaker 01

  Good question. I'm like, I'm tongue tied. I guess that's how I would be if I walked in and there was Jack.

• 6:47Mel Robbins?

  Would you recognize him?

• 6:48Speaker 03

  Would you say Swiss Army knife of...

• 6:52Mel Robbins?

  Meditation?

• 6:53Speaker 03

  Insert word here.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, just a leader in the field of mindfulness and a prolific author and

• 7:07Speaker 01

  somebody that clearly has a very, very big heart for this world.

• 7:12Mel Robbins?

  What about you, Ken?

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 7:17Speaker 03

  Probably...

• 7:20Speaker 03

  Oh, I would be starstruck if I met Olivia Dean.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  Not like Taylor Swift?

• 7:26Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, that's the obvious answer, but like, wouldn't we all be?

• 7:29Speaker 02

  We would.

• 7:31Speaker 03

  But yes, obviously, Taylor. I mean, come on.

• 7:34Speaker 01

  But Olivia, she's got some...

• 7:36Speaker 03

  Swagger.

• 7:37Speaker 01

  She's got some pipes.

• 7:40Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, and they stopped you and were like, "Yeah, dude, I've seen your stuff."

• 7:43Speaker 02

  I feel like it's gonna be like, out of nowhere, but I think it's Lucky Day. Ken knows who I'm talking about.

• 7:48Mel Robbins?

  Who the hell is that?

• 7:50Speaker 03

  An artist.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  An artist.

• 7:51Mel Robbins?

  And what does Lucky Day do?

• 7:54Speaker 02

  He just produces some cool music. Good, good music that I love to listen to. And I think, I mean, if he stopped me... Hold on.

• 8:05Speaker 03

  You're getting choked up. You're getting choked up.

• 8:09Speaker 02

  I don't know if he would ever actually listen to self-help stuff, but if he stopped me and he said that what I said was very insightful, I would like pee my pants, because that would be pretty cool. I'd be like, "I listen to you every day." Like, that's sick.

• 8:22Mel Robbins?

  Well, that was pretty sick. So, thank you for asking, because I hadn't told you that story yet. And I'm still just floating about it. I can't believe it happened, honestly. So Reese, if you're listening, or somebody who knows her is listening, thank you, thank you, thank you. It was so cool to meet you, and even cooler to see that you are just as smart and inspiring in person as I always thought you would be. All right, so you guys ready for questions?

• 8:50Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 8:50Mel Robbins?

  Anything else anybody needs to get off their chest, or beef that you have with one another that we need to talk about before we...

• 8:59Speaker 02

  Kendall, I missed you.

• 9:00Speaker 03

  Oh, Oakley, I missed you too, bud.

• 9:04Mel Robbins?

  How long's it been since you guys have seen each other?

• 9:07Speaker 03

  A month.

• 9:09Speaker 02

  Two months. It hasn't been that long. It hasn't been that long, bud.

• 9:13Mel Robbins?

  Okay, you ready?

• 9:15Speaker 02

  Yeet.

• 9:16Mel Robbins?

  Okay, here we go. So, our first question comes from Chelsea. And she starts off by saying, "Oakley, thanks for your honest answers and perspective into the mysterious world of the teenage boy. After a difficult past couple of years, socially, breaking up, loss of a friend group, my 17-year-old son is very distant and seems mad 90% of the time. I didn't handle the issues that occurred very well for lots of reasons, and in hindsight, I wish I could have done things differently. I now think my son hates me. I worry he will leave after he graduates and never want to return. We have such little time left before he graduates from high school and is off in the world. How do I repair the relationship that I feel I damaged?"

• 10:04Speaker 02

  Well...

• 10:10Mel Robbins?

  Do you have any friends that hate their parents?

• 10:13Speaker 02

  Not any immediate friends, no.

• 10:15Mel Robbins?

  How would you answer this, Ken?

• 10:18Speaker 03

  Oh, gosh.

• 10:19Speaker 02

  Actually, I want to say one thing. I feel like there may be a lot of negative emotion present in his life, and I think that part of that emotion is from losing previous friends, and it's not all because of you, his parent. And so, there's a very strong chance that he doesn't hate you, but he just has a lot of negative feelings, and like, you're the only person that he can channel them into.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, you always tell us that the reason we sometimes treat our family the worst is because, deep down, we know that they're not going anywhere, or we are under the assumption that I can call my mom anywhere that I want because she's my mom, and she's not going to go anywhere. And especially if he's feeling isolated socially, I'm sure he's just taking a lot of the negative emotion, like Oakley said, that he's feeling out on his parents. I don't necessarily...

• 11:25Speaker 03

  Think in my experience, the friends I've had who didn't have great relationships with their parents blamed their parents. They just were frustrated about their general situation and feeling as though they couldn't move up or down or left or right. You know, they were just kind of stuck. But I will say that if he's 17 and he's in high school and it's a social issue primarily, I'm sure that in if, when and if he does go to college and finds more friends and finds his footing socially, which I'm sure he will in college, I think that he will find some new perspective.

• 12:06Speaker 01

  I think that's true, but that doesn't solve mom's dilemma at the moment where she feels distant from her son. What would you want to hear from your mom or dad?

• 12:16Mel Robbins?

  Let's say that dad and I did something that really made you angry and that impacted your friend group and that impacted a relationship with somebody that you were dating and you were really mad about it. And now you felt isolated and you were mad that we did what we did. What would you want the parent to do?

• 12:38Speaker 02

  I would want you to apologize to me and say you're sorry for getting into my personal business and meddling with my affairs, I guess you could say, only because it shows that you're like, you're human too and you make mistakes and that you're, you also don't think that you're above it all. And that you're admitting to me that you realize that you hurt me in a, in a way and you are sorry about what you did. And just like, I think the first step, 100% apologizing for what you did.

• 13:16Mel Robbins?

  You know what this is making me also think about, Oakley, is the number of times that I've apologized to you. And there's a lot that I screwed up and a lot of mistakes that I made. And you guys have always been super gracious in not only hearing the apology, but accepting it. And so, thank you, thank you, thank you. And there's one other thing I wanted to add to this. And it's understanding that when your kids go off to college, or they go off to camp, or they have these experiences where they leave home for a little bit, they don't leave forever. In fact, Kendall, there have been a number of times that you've reflected on the fact that when you got to college, you had so many friends tell you that they had terrible relationships with their families. They fought all the times, they couldn't stand

• 14:00Mel Robbins?

  their siblings, the parents were going through a divorce, whatever it may be. But while they were at college, and they gained some perspective, something really shifted. In fact, something wonderful often happened. And I would love for you to share that insight that you have when we come back from a really short break to hear a word from our sponsors. Would that be okay?

• 14:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 14:22Mel Robbins?

  Awesome. Stay with us, everybody.

• 14:33Mel Robbins?

  Welcome back. I am so glad you're still here with us. It's your friend Mel, and I am here with my family. Kendall, Chris, Oakley, Sawyer is off on the other side of the world on a solo backpacking trip. We miss you, Soi, if you're listening to this. And we're in the middle of answering a question from a listener named Chelsea. She's a mom, and she's worried that her 17-year-old son is mad at her, and mad at her because of some stuff that she did, and that she may have screwed up so badly that her son may never speak to her again. And Oakley has assured her that your son is likely not mad at you, likely just mad at the world and taking it out on you. And Kendall, you're a college graduate, and would you share what happened when you got to college, and your friends

• 15:17Mel Robbins?

  who did not have a great relationship with their parents, or their siblings, or their family, they get to college, they get a little perspective. What did you see happening time and time again?

• 15:28Speaker 03

  Just that once you have some space from your family, you tend to appreciate them more, because now that you're one step closer to the real world, and you've flown a bit from the nest, you can start to appreciate everything they did for you when you were there. And I think when you have space from that environment, you can start to see it in a new perspective, which your like, your relationship with your family, I think naturally sort of evolves once you move out.

• 15:55Speaker 01

  You've shared with me that you also get, you know, your, your perspective on the types of relationships that might exist out there between parents and children widens hugely. Once you get to college, I mean, you sort of know what you know or see what you see in high school. But as you get a little older and get out there, you, you, you, your understanding of all the different ways.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. And I think there were things that my parents did in high school that I was pissed at them for. And now that I've had.

• 16:34Speaker 01

  We're right here, you can tell us.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  Well, that's what I'm doing. You knew in the moment, don't even pretend. But there were dozens of things that you did when I was in high school that I hated you for.

• 16:49Mel Robbins?

  Like what? Name one.

• 16:51Speaker 03

  Didn't let me go to some parties, didn't let me hang out with some people. Gave me even, even if it wasn't preventing me from actually doing an activity, just giving me opinions that I didn't want to hear all the time. Just parenting me. You know what I mean? But there were so many things you did that pissed me off and made me so angry at you and made me slam doors and point fingers, specifically middle fingers. And now that I have had a lot of years outside of the house and I don't live at home anymore and I've graduated college, I can now see all of those things you did in retrospect

• 17:35Speaker 03

  as just trying to keep me safe and just trying to love me and set me up for success over and over and over. And I can now see that if I was a parent and my child was doing the same things I was trying to do, I would be, I would have acted in the same way that you did. And I don't resent you for it, you know?

• 17:55Mel Robbins?

  What do we do? What do we do that pisses you off, Oak?

• 18:02Speaker 01

  We talk to him in the morning.

• 18:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's.

• 18:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, honestly, that's my biggest thing. There's been so many times where I've been like in the kitchen trying to like fill up my water bottle for the day and you come in and start having a conversation with me. I want to like uppercut you. Please get away from me.

• 18:20Speaker 03

  I actually had the exact same experience this morning with mom.

• 18:24Mel Robbins?

  Oh, we had the worst fight, you guys.

• 18:27Speaker 03

  Okay, you're still being dramatic, which is what you were doing this morning.

• 18:31Mel Robbins?

  Can we talk about what happened?

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Yes, we will. And I would like to formally apologize for being super grumpy and rude.

• 18:39Mel Robbins?

  Thank you.

• 18:40Speaker 03

  You're welcome. And I'm really sorry for treating you like S H I T. Because I was really rude this morning and I feel bad about it.

• 18:47Mel Robbins?

  Wow, thank you.

• 18:49Speaker 01

  Is that a blanket statement for everything that's happened up until now?

• 18:53Mel Robbins?

  No, but you know what? I actually think it's a good thing to unpack. Because this is the kind of argument that we had this morning that happens over and over and over again in families, between siblings, between Chris and I. And it's just a stupid thing. But we got at each other over it. And here's what happened. So I, I, I, what?

• 19:15Speaker 03

  I'm just laughing at like, thinking about being a fly on the wall during that fight. Would have, I would have needed popcorn.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  Were you in your house?

• 19:24Speaker 03

  Well, let me set the scene for you.

• 19:26Mel Robbins?

  Do it.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  Mom and I, we had a mother-daughter dinner with my roommate and her mom. It was amazing. We stayed up very late. We had a few drinks.

• 19:34Mel Robbins?

  And a gummy.

• 19:35Speaker 03

  And a few gummies. And we were

• 19:38Mel Robbins?

  Laughing?

• 19:38Speaker 03

  We laughed our butts off and just wore matching PJs to bed. Shout out to my roommate's mom. And we had booked a 7 a.m. workout class the night before. And before bed, we're climbing into bed and we both are looking at each other saying, no, we're not going to make the class. We're not going to make the class.

• 20:00Speaker 03

  But my mom had to be here at nine in the morning, so we still had our alarm set pretty early. So we go to bed. An hour into trying to fall asleep, my mom is a furnace. I'm sure you know what it's like sleeping next to her, but my room has zero ventilation and it's already hot. So.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  More like a nuclear reactor.

• 20:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, I am. Furnace is an understatement. You like, I radiate heat. Yes. And so all night I was tossing and turning, sweating.

• 20:31Speaker 01

  Whoa, yay.

• 20:34Speaker 03

  But anyway, I was tossing and turning all night, didn't get great sleep, partially because of the substances in my body, but also because mom was 500 degrees. And I was not on my eight sleep pod mattress cover, which now is cooling me down. So keep going. Sponsor of the show, shout out. Oh, okay. That's, that's smooth. Thank you. So anyway, my alarm goes off at 6:30. Immediately turn it off and mom's like wide awake, turns over. I mean, it's like, we're not going to Pilates.

• 21:03Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, question. I didn't stay. I'm like, I'm like, don't you want to go to Pilates?

• 21:06Speaker 03

  I said, no, I told you last night, we're not going. And she said, come on, will you come with me? And I said, no, I don't want to go. And she said, okay. So then we both kind of fall back asleep. Another alarm goes off about 45 minutes later, 7:15. Anyway, this part is not really important. We just kind of went back and forth in the morning. I was up at six in the morning.

• 21:24Mel Robbins?

  No, no, no, this part is important. Your bedroom is small and I stayed with you last night. So I had a suitcase.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 21:31Mel Robbins?

  And I needed to get ready and you had offered to drive me here.

• 21:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 21:36Mel Robbins?

  And I was trying to get my suitcase packed and.

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Well, no, because here's, here's, scratch everything I just said.

• 21:45Mel Robbins?

  Just keep going.

• 21:48Speaker 03

  We wake up too early, miss our exercise class. I'm grumpy because I'm hungover and it's also bright outside and it's gloomy and my mom is 500 degrees in my bed. And I wake up and I have a pretty diligent morning routine that basically just includes me waking up, turning off my alarm, making my beautiful, awesome bed, going into my bathroom, brushing my teeth. And washing my little face and getting my little workout clothes on. But instead, I woke up, was 503 degrees. I opened my eyes and it looks like a tornado has gone through my room, full of my mom's stuff.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  I have so much sympathy for your life.

• 22:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 22:37Speaker 03

  It's insane. It's insane. It's like, everything that you own is alive and has legs. And just picks a spot to spend the night that's not in the suitcase. And so I wake up and immediately, I'm hungover, I'm groggy. It's way earlier than I expected to be up, because we said we weren't gonna go to our workout class. Immediately, my mom gets out of bed. She starts, I don't even know what, pretending to pack up her stuff. We immediately, our energies were just completely not matched, because she was, as she always is in the morning, "Hey, what's going on? Hey, girl, are you ready to go?" And I'm like, "I'm gonna strangle you if you don't pick up every single thong that's on my ground right now."

• 23:19Speaker 03

  So then she's all chipper, and I'm just meeting her with just really negative energy. And we just kinda got into it, because whenever I get angry and she's in a good mood, she just shuts down. And then I'm like, "Don't shut down." And then you dramatically threw your boots on my bed, and we literally both laughed. And I was like, "Are you kidding? That was a scene out of a movie. Do not do that." So, we were kind of laughing, but also kind of fighting. But then, it kinda just got our entire morning off on the wrong foot.

• 23:48Mel Robbins?

  Totally. It was the worst.

• 23:49Speaker 03

  It was just horrible. And then...

• 23:51Mel Robbins?

  I'm literally trying to pack my stuff up to get out of her way. Meanwhile, she's, "Shh, shh," because she doesn't want me to wake up her roommate, or her roommate's mother. So she's shushing me.

• 24:01Speaker 03

  Which is fair and kind, and considerate.

• 24:04Mel Robbins?

  And I've got my suitcase on top of her bed, because I'm trying to get all my stuff that is all of her thing. And she's like, "Can you get that off of that? I need to make my bed." I'm like, "Can I just get my suitcase packed, so I can get it off here? But I need to make my bed right now." And they're like, "Okay, then I'll put it on the ground." And then she's like, making her bed in a fuss, as I'm then trying, and we're bumping into each other, because the whole room is tiny. And she's pissed off, and I'm hot, and then I have a hot flash. And then she's like, "Shh, shh, you're gonna wake him up." And I'm like, "I gotta get my makeup done. I'm gonna call an Uber." "You're not calling an Uber?" So now we're bickering about everything.

• 24:39Speaker 03

  And also, we're whispering. We weren't full-volume bickering.

• 24:48Mel Robbins?

  And so that's our morning story. And then we get in the car and we don't talk.

• 24:54Speaker 03

  And I'm in the worst mood and I don't want to drive her here. And she, she's, I mean, because then she goes, well, I'll just get a car and go to Sirius. And I go, no. Now I feel like bad. I'm gonna drive you. So then we go and get coffee.

• 25:07Mel Robbins?

  But I meant it. Like, here's the thing. And this is why this is important unpack.

• 25:12Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 25:12Mel Robbins?

  I was more than willing to just get in an Uber and get out of your hair.

• 25:18Mel Robbins?

  And you let guilt make you do something you didn't want to do? And then you were mad at me about it.

• 25:25Speaker 03

  Hmm. That's facts.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  But did you allow for her to step aside from the guilt? Did you say anything?

• 25:34Mel Robbins?

  Well, I said, I'll just get an Uber, Ken, so you can get on with your morning and you can get yourself organized. It's totally cool. And she's like, no, no, no, I want to drive you. I want to drive you. We'll go get coffee. And I'm like, okay, okay. You know, I'm let you do it. And then we get in the car and she's like, you know, kind of like, like you can tell like when somebody's mad because they drive with their elbows up. They're really like mad as they drive. And

• 25:57Mel Robbins?

  it's true.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  That's LA.

• 26:00Speaker 03

  True.

• 26:00Mel Robbins?

  It's true. Thank you for apologizing.

• 26:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, I also just think that

• 26:07Speaker 01

  She's about to rescind it.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  No, and I actually do apologize because that my negative energy got my own morning started off on the wrong foot. And then I was just pissed off at myself and at the whole situation and frustrated. But

• 26:23Speaker 03

  I don't.

• 26:24Mel Robbins?

  Here's what I learned this morning. I learned a number of things. You ready? Number one.

• 26:32Mel Robbins?

  Most of the time when you fight with people that you care about. It is about either energy not matching.

• 26:40Mel Robbins?

  So you're in a quiet mood in the morning and I'm bounding around like the Energizer Bunny. Or you have a morning routine that really helps you feel like you and now I'm in the way of that. And so however you expected things to go, somebody that you care about is now interrupting it. And you're not really mad at the other person, it's all this pent up energy that you feel because you're not able to just go about the beginning of your day the way that you want to.

• 27:09Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 27:09Mel Robbins?

  And one of the things that I noticed in our interaction that I think is really important to distinguish, because it's something I'm kind of proud of, is that other than the really immature moment where I picked up my boots and threw them on your bed as a sign of protest of how mad I was that you were making me move my stuff so you could make your bed, I just let you, like the let them theory. I'm just like, she's gonna get pissed, she needs to make her bed in the huff, she wants to be all bitchy, let her. Just let her. And the second thing that I was able to do because I unhooked myself from you, even when we were in the car, I'm like, just let her be annoyed. Let her be

• 27:51Mel Robbins?

  mad about this. Like, I don't have to fix it, I can let you have your emotion because your morning didn't go how you wanted it to go and now you're pissed that you said you would drive me somewhere. We've all been there. But what diffuses it faster is not trying to actually change someone else's emotional state. Just let them be upset. Let them be mad. Let them feel guilty that they did something. And you just stay neutral in your body. And there was one moment when we were fighting that I felt an old pattern come up. And it's something I've worked hard to get rid of. And here's the old pattern.

• 28:34Mel Robbins?

  I used to hold the things that I did for you guys over your heads when I was pissed at you. So for example, you and I went shopping yesterday and you were wearing the new running shoes I'd bought you. And I was a millisecond away from going, after all the things I bought you yesterday, you can't just let me pack? And I was like, nope.

• 28:58Mel Robbins?

  Nope Mel.

• 28:59Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 29:00Mel Robbins?

  Because if you want to buy somebody something, buy them something. But do not hold that shit over their head as a reason they need to be obedient to you. And that for me was a huge breakthrough on my part. And I'm not saying I was the best this morning, but I want to share that insight because one of the hardest things for me when I was little was feeling like I had to behave to get love. I had to comply if somebody bought me something. That everything came with strings attached. And that love was earned, not given. And not bringing up after all the things I do for you, the stuff I just bought you, blah-bitty, blah-bitty, blah, as a way to drill you to do something.

• 29:43Mel Robbins?

  I think that is so important not to bring into your relationships. If you want to do something nice for something, do it because you want to do something nice for somebody. Not because you're going to expect them to owe you something because of it.

• 29:56Speaker 03

  Yeah. I also just think that in, in that situation, we both could have just

• 30:03Mel Robbins?

  We should have hugged.

• 30:05Speaker 03

  That, but we both could have just taken a deep breath and relaxed because we were not in a rush. But we were acting like we were. And so unless it's life or death and you're about to hop in an ambulance, if you're in that kind of situation, take a deep breath and actually think about what you need to move through that sort of negative energy hump. I could have just said to you, "Stop doing your makeup, stop curling your hair, stop brushing your teeth. Please, for the next five minutes, just pick up your stuff and then I'll be chill."

• 30:37Speaker 03

  You know what I mean?

• 30:38Mel Robbins?

  Yep.

• 30:38Speaker 03

  But instead you were like doing your makeup, pulling more stuff out, making more of a mess doing this. And then I was trying to like overcompensate by not just asking you to do the thing that like I needed you to do. And you could have just said, "Okay, I'm gonna pick up my stuff, you go cool off in the kitchen." You know what I mean?

• 30:56Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 30:56Speaker 03

  Just like breathe and talk about it because I was just getting Very angry.

• 31:02Speaker 01

  Just out of curiosity, when mom was quote unquote letting you do or be how you were, was that, how did that feel? Was that working for you that, or was that just working for mom that she was letting you be?

• 31:15Speaker 03

  Oh, it definitely didn't work for me. And I was actually going to say, I was actually going to say, thank you for bringing this up, because I was actually going to say that if you are somebody that's going to practice the let them theory, the other person that you're letting do their thing is probably gonna get more of whatever emotion they're feeling before they're gonna get less.

• 31:35Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  You letting them, it's like when a kid is having a temper tantrum and you just let them cry it out, you're gonna get more angry before you're gonna cool down. Yeah, it definitely was uncomfortable because I'm like, I just wanna bitch you out right now, but you're just all chipper in the corner over there letting me do my thing. But I do think it would have been nice if you could have just said, cuz dad brought up the guilt thing and how I let my guilt get the best of me, but if you don't care and you're gonna let me do my thing, it would have been nice to just be like...

• 32:10Speaker 01

  Well, I don't think it's about her not caring.

• 32:11Mel Robbins?

  No, it's not my job. Your job to manage your guilt.

• 32:13Speaker 01

  She does care, but ironically, there's nothing that she could have said that would have actually made the situation better.

• 32:23Speaker 03

  But I will say, it didn't, well, maybe we're just getting nitty gritty now and we're just bickering again, but it didn't feel like, Ken, I seriously don't mind getting a car. It was like, I don't care, I'll get a car. That was the energy.

• 32:37Mel Robbins?

  Okay, and here's how the let them theory works. Then let me get a car.

• 32:41Speaker 03

  Fair.

• 32:43Mel Robbins?

  Right? Just because I'm bitchy doesn't mean you have to own that.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  True.

• 32:51Mel Robbins?

  Awesome. Thank you for unpacking that. Anything else as a takeaway?

• 32:56Speaker 03

  Pick up your shit.

• 32:57Mel Robbins?

  Okay, thank you for that. Hug me next time.

• 33:01Speaker 03

  Your makeup in every crevice of my room started it, babe.

• 33:05Mel Robbins?

  What? Okay, we're gonna stop right now. Okay, we're stopping this.

• 33:11Speaker 03

  To be continued.

• 33:12Mel Robbins?

  To be continued. Did you wanna say anything, Oakley?

• 33:14Speaker 01

  No.

• 33:16Speaker 02

  Actually, I do have something I want to say.

• 33:18Mel Robbins?

  Oh.

• 33:19Speaker 02

  I think we should take a break.

• 33:20Mel Robbins?

  Oh, is it the Oakley Robbins podcast now? Are you going to determine the breaks?

• 33:25Speaker 02

  You know, I just think people need a second to digest that story about you and Kendall, and I need to get a quick drink.

• 33:31Mel Robbins?

  Okay, well, you go do that. All right, everybody.

• 33:33Speaker 02

  We'll be right back.

• 33:44Speaker 02

  All right, welcome back, everybody. I'm here with Mel Robbins, Chris Robbins, Kendall Robbins, and of course, myself, Oakley Robbins.

• 33:50Mel Robbins?

  Who's missing?

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Sawyer Robbins, but you know, she's here in spirit.

• 33:54Mel Robbins?

  Yes.

• 33:55Speaker 02

  We're answering your questions, but before we jump back into these questions, my mom has something she wants to say.

• 34:00Mel Robbins?

  Okay, I want to share something with you that I would like to adopt as a family. You ready?

• 34:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 34:07Mel Robbins?

  So this is a tool I want our family to adopt, and it is something that I learned from our dear friends, Josh and David. Shout out to Josh and David. They learned it from their therapist, and it is called red light, green light. And when you are in a mood where you do not want to talk, or you feel overwhelmed, or you just need quiet, you just say to somebody you love, this is a red light moment.

• 34:36Mel Robbins?

  Like, because I know Chris sits in his office, and you're very peaceful and zen, and you're working on your masters in spiritual psychology, and you've just hung up a Zoom where you've been coaching one of your coaching clients, and I come rolling into your office like a tornado.

• 34:58Mel Robbins?

  And I'm not responsible for the fact that I'm probably disrupting your emotional peace. And one of the ways that you can also use this is when you walk into a room, go, hey, is this a green light moment? Can you talk about blah, blah, blah?

• 35:14Mel Robbins?

  Do you like that, guys?

• 35:15Speaker 01

  First of all, great tool. And I was sitting here thinking about

• 35:24Speaker 01

  what it's like to be the person who has to exclaim that it's a red light moment versus the person walking in the room opening with, is this a green light moment? You know, you're, you're sort of...

• 35:42Speaker 01

  There's obviously, there's two sides to the coin.

• 35:44Speaker 03

  I, I agree. I think that it should come from.

• 35:47Mel Robbins?

  The red light?

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, the person who needs the space, not you prompting it. And I think that is something, because then you, you will feel more ownership as the person drawing the boundary, rather than like, is this okay for you right now? And then you're like, um, I don't know? Because then, because then if you say that, and then they're like, no, sorry, it's not, then, then I always feel.

• 36:10Mel Robbins?

  Bad that you came in.

• 36:11Speaker 03

  And I think that is something that we have worked on in our relationship, and it's still a work in progress, but you've gotten really good at, before you used to just, like, advice vomit whenever I was having a problem.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  And it was so frustrating, because sometimes I didn't want advice, I just wanted you to listen and not. And you, and you still do this thing that is way better than the vomiting of the advice, but is still sometimes triggering for me when you, when I come to you with something and you go, well, do you want me to listen, or do you want advice? And that feels very much so,

• 36:51Speaker 03

  okay, well, if I tell you that I just want you to listen, I know you're just thinking about all the advice you want to give me. Do you know what I mean?

• 36:58Mel Robbins?

  I actually love that cue, because I feel like it allows me to know how you need me to show up.

• 37:05Speaker 03

  Maybe then I'm just, in real time, realizing that I need to be the one that tells you what I need, not you ask.

• 37:13Mel Robbins?

  Yes. Well, sometimes you don't know what you need. That's why I use that phrase.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  But sometimes it feels, sometimes, it's hard sometimes. My whole point being that I think it should come from the person that needs the space, not the prompting of the, what's your light? What's your light? What light, what, what light are you? What light are you? It's like, walk in, hey, Chris, what's up? How was your Zoom call? Assess the situation. If he's like, oh, great, it was awesome, Mel, what's up? Then you can go in, and then if he goes, it's actually a red light, then you can back off, but if you were to just take 30 seconds and kind of assess, and, you know what I mean?

• 37:51Speaker 03

  Am I shutting you down?

• 37:53Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 37:53Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 37:53Mel Robbins?

  I'm listening.

• 37:55Speaker 01

  But that approach is not typically how a tornado enters any room, so.

• 38:03Mel Robbins?

  True. We'll try it. So I, here's what I'm getting. This is a no, a no-go. Yeah, I don't like it very much. Okay, we're not gonna do it. Alright, let's jump back into questions. "My daughter is struggling with our move. I waited for this year so we could move her as a freshman in high school. She was settling in nicely but didn't have anyone to go to homecoming with. Seeing all her friends back in our old state having fun and being dressed up, along with no one yet to hang out with after school, has her sad and anxious. Topping that, her sister and best friend also left our house for college a couple of weeks ago. This courageous girl is losing momentum, becoming unsure and lonely. Please help."

• 38:45Mel Robbins?

  You two both look very sad.

• 38:48Speaker 02

  I'm just thinking, thinking it over.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  It's uh, it's my homecoming weekend as well, so.

• 38:55Mel Robbins?

  Oh, right now?

• 38:56Speaker 02

  I'm missing the dance, yeah. But, wait, did she still go to the dance?

• 39:01Mel Robbins?

  No.

• 39:03Speaker 01

  Very different story, though. You're a senior, you've.

• 39:06Mel Robbins?

  You know everyone.

• 39:07Speaker 01

  We're talking about a freshman, new school.

• 39:09Speaker 02

  Well, moving.

• 39:09Speaker 01

  New town.

• 39:11Speaker 02

  Moving freshman year, like if she had a bunch of friends that she used to know, I feel like a move is always gonna be hard regardless. And also, homecoming is only like a month into school, so... I mean, like, high school isn't like the movie that you see every now and then where it's like the new girl comes in, and she's stunning, and then the perfect boy wants to go to homecoming with her. And so if you've been at school for a month and you've barely met people,

• 39:42Speaker 02

  it's understandable that you may not have a date to the homecoming. And it's also your freshman year, and you have plenty more homecomings to look forward to when you do have a date, but...

• 39:55Speaker 02

  I mean, do we know if she's like trying to make friends? Or is she just kinda like sitting around?

• 40:00Mel Robbins?

  I think she's doing what a lot of people do when they get to college too. And they look at their other friends having fun online.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  Compare.

• 40:08Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, and she's comparing and she doesn't have a friend group yet. And she didn't have a date to homecoming.

• 40:13Speaker 03

  Okay, I have an idea.

• 40:16Speaker 03

  Well, I think first and foremost, she needs to give herself some grace. And understand that it's not gonna happen overnight. I think even if you're trying to make as many new friends as you possibly could, like, give yourself grace, but also don't lose your spark. Keep putting yourself out there, as hard as that is.

• 40:37Speaker 02

  Freshen year, there's so many opportunities to meet people. And so, you have a full year to meet a bunch of people. And I wouldn't compare yourself to your friends who already have their friend group back home. Like, you have moved, so you're in a completely new space, new people. And all your friends are in an old place with old people who they already know. So, it's not like they're moving faster than you are. They've just had 10 extra years with these people. And you have known these people for the first time. So, like Kendall said, like, have some grace and just like, branch out and meet new people.

• 41:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, and see it as, maybe change, change your perspective on it. And start to see it as an opportunity to expand your world. And make even more amazing friends. And think about the friend group that you had where you lived before. And tell yourself that you can find that here too.

• 41:29Mel Robbins?

  Here's, here's my take on it. Change is really hard. It's gonna take a year.

• 41:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:35Mel Robbins?

  It's gonna take an entire school year to feel comfortable being at that new school. And oftentimes...

• 41:45Mel Robbins?

  When we're confronted and scared, we avoid facing the things we're scared of. And it's very easy to sit on your phone and look at the lives of your old friends. And that's easier than putting yourself out there in the new school. And so every small thing that you can do, from joining a club, to taking classes that are more creative, because you're going to be around more creative kids, to showing up the dance without a date, to hanging out with other kids that are new in the school, to sitting at different tables in the lunchroom, to inviting people over to your house so you can find your people.

• 42:30Mel Robbins?

  Every single one of those moves is going to feel hard. And it's going to take a year, and you should expect it. And when you expect that it's going to take a year to feel like you belong at a new school, you will have more grace for yourself.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  You know, I'm a senior mentor at my school right now, which just means I have a group of first years that I look after.

• 42:52Mel Robbins?

  Yeah.

• 42:52Speaker 02

  And what I've taken away so far is just that everybody's going through stuff. Everybody has something going on, so you are 100% not alone in this.

• 43:00Mel Robbins?

  That's a good perspective, because I think when you're new, you think everybody's got it figured out. So, Oak, I think you've done such an awesome job today. You want to do the sign-off right now? I mean, Kendall's already left the room, so do you want to do a sign-off?

• 43:12Speaker 02

  No, I'm good. I'll just sit back and judge you this time.

• 43:15Mel Robbins?

  Stop. Well, alrighty then. I had an amazing time with you, listening, and with our family here today. We had a ton of laughs and so many amazing insights. I'm really proud of how you guys show up, so thank you. And there were not as many petty arguments and disagreements as I thought. And if you are seeing family today... I want you to remember that no matter how everybody shows up to whatever you're doing at Thanksgiving or over the holidays, they may be going through something. So just show up with a little grace. You know, Chelsea and her son remind us of that. Or maybe they've had a tough start to the morning, like me and Kendall. That's Fox. Oh, she's back. Or maybe they need some space. You know, so as much as my family

• 43:58Mel Robbins?

  really trash the red light, green light tip, I like it. So look for some green lights, you know? And you always have the green light to hang out with us.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  Of course. Anytime, any day, any week. I guess I'll take over the ending now. So if nobody else tells you today, I wanted to tell you that I love you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and better relationship with your family members. Now go and do it. And save me some of those Thanksgiving leftovers, especially the mashed potatoes and some gravy. Oh, it's my favorite.

• 44:27Mel Robbins?

  Oh, oh, I love you. And I want to tell you that I love you too. We'll talk to you in a few days. Happy Thanksgiving.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Oh, oh, oh my God. Oh my God.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  What?

• 44:44Speaker 02

  I can like.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Hear yourself?

• 44:46Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 44:47Mel Robbins?

  Oh yeah, this is the. Why is this not there? There it is. Oh, here you go.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm just getting our questions, guys. You hold it if you have to like, so it doesn't pick you up.

• 44:56Speaker 02

  Wait, so it's just like mute me?

• 44:57Speaker 03

  Cause you're chewing.

• 44:59Speaker 02

  Does it mute? Yeah, mute stream.

• 45:02Speaker 03

  This is super legit. He's like, stop chewing.

• 45:05Speaker 02

  This is my last bite. This is my last bite.

• 45:07Speaker 01

  Let's all be a family.

• 45:09Mel Robbins?

  Why don't we start because? Hot off the press. Yes.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 45:12Mel Robbins?

  Yes, good. That's what we wanted.

• 45:14Speaker 01

  Here we go. Mel, you look fabulous.

• 45:17Mel Robbins?

  Thank you. Thank you. I think I do too. I'm almost done looking at this.

• 45:25Speaker 01

  Love your new pants.

• 45:26Mel Robbins?

  Thank you. I love you. I love your new shirt. I got a pair in black, so.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  This shirt is not new. It's very old.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Are we just going straight in?

• 45:34Mel Robbins?

  Yeah, we're going straight in. Uh-uh. First let me open the show.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  Let me, let me cough.

• 45:39Mel Robbins?

  So let me just tell you what's happening. Okay, are you ready?

• 45:42Speaker 03

  You're booted.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:43Mel Robbins?

  Okay.

• 45:43Speaker 02

  You're out.

• 45:46Speaker 03

  Okay, that was good.

• 45:51Mel Robbins?

  Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language. You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.

• 46:26Speaker 01

  Stitcher.