#685 - Joey Diaz

Joey Diaz is a stand-comedian and podcaster. Check out his show “The Church of What’s Happening Now”. Joey returns to talk about raising his daughter to be street-smart, how wounds from the past affected his return to New Jersey, and new endeavors he has planned for Austin. Joey Diaz: https://www.instagram.com/madflavors_world ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner @CelsiusOfficial https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ Moonpay: https://moonpay.onelink.me/O2ia/t34p5kxg Armra: Go to http://tryarmra.com/THEO or enter THEO to get 30% off your first order. Shopify: Take control of your income. Start your free trial at http://shopify.com/theo Ladder: Head to http://ladder.fit/TPW to find the right plan for you, and get a free 7-day trial and $10 off your first month when you use my link! Better Help: This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off BetterHelp at http://BetterHelp.com/Theo Perplexity AI: Ask anything at https://pplx.ai/theo ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Mail stuff to: ATTN: TPW PO BOX 40137 Nashville TN 37204 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend X: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/ Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Andrew https://www.instagram.com/bleachmediaofficial/ Producer: Halston https://www.instagram.com/halstonrays/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Speaker 00

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• 0:24Theo Von?

  He's a legendary comedian, podcaster, and friend. You know him from the church of what's happening now. He's gonna be popping up in Austin more too, it looks like. I had a great time catching up with the great Joey Coco Diaz.

• 0:57Theo Von?

  Good to see you.

• 0:58Speaker 02

  What'd you end up doing last night? Did you go to watch Burr?

• 1:03Theo Von?

  No, I didn't. They got some guy fricking had a stroke over there in the audience or whatever. Some guy who fucking couldn't hold it or whatever, had a heart attack. And then, uh, and they had to start the show an hour late. So I was gonna stop over there because I'm staying right over by Gotham Comedy Club on 23rd, 20th, 23rd.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  How long you in town?

• 1:21Theo Von?

  Till Monday. I'm gonna go to the US Open.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:24Theo Von?

  I've never been before.

• 1:26Speaker 02

  It's a blast.

• 1:26Theo Von?

  You been?

• 1:27Speaker 02

  No, because I don't want to sit there going like this.

• 1:29Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:32Theo Von?

  But if the cops come, that's my answer, bro.

• 1:34Speaker 02

  It's a great time. It's good to go up there. A lot of bitches.

• 1:37Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:37Speaker 02

  A lot of bitches looking for fucking husbands. Because I, one of my friends hit me up, he's gonna go to US Hus- uh, US Open, wish me luck to find a husband, so.

• 1:46Theo Von?

  Oof. Yeah, so, yeah, so I'm excited about that. But, um, dude, I was, I was walking around here, dude, I saw, somebody drew us Tony Hinchcliffe on a building here. Do you see that?

• 1:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:55Theo Von?

  Here in Asbury, Asbury is what this called?

• 1:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, Asbury Park.

• 1:57Theo Von?

  Asbury Park, is that it? Look at that shit.

• 2:00Speaker 02

  Is that Tony Hinchcliffe?

• 2:01Theo Von?

  For sure.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  I don't think so.

• 2:04Theo Von?

  Oh, that's him for sure. That's gotta be him. Dude, do you know, uh, you know Bam Bam Bigelow's from here?

• 2:13Speaker 02

  Bam Bam, the wrestler?

• 2:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, somebody's from, there's a couple people.

• 2:16Theo Von?

  Did you ever meet him?

• 2:17Speaker 02

  No.

• 2:18Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's him right there. That guy's from here. I had no idea.

• 2:21Speaker 02

  Wow, and he's older than I am.

• 2:24Theo Von?

  That guy.

• 2:26Speaker 02

  He dead?

• 2:28Theo Von?

  Oh, he could have fucking faked it. Name was Scott.

• 2:33Speaker 02

  That's a tough career being a wrestler, guys.

• 2:36Theo Von?

  Yeah. Because imagine, it's basically like being a comedian, but when you get there, you gotta fight something, like, imagine you get on stage and you gotta fight somebody for a half hour.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  I'm not even worried about, I'm worried about getting there and then like, oh, tonight you're bombing.

• 2:49Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  Tonight you're bombing and somebody's gonna throw a chair on your head. Okay. I feel better about myself now.

• 2:59Theo Von?

  That's true, dude. Fuck, bro. Yeah, a lot of my friends are at Burning Man actually this week, man. Did you ever go?

• 3:06Speaker 02

  Are you fucking crazy? You don't go to that deal. Don't get involved in that. That's ugly people that are, and all that pussy skanking.

• 3:14Theo Von?

  You think?

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Four or five days without washing it, putting it in a hole, not eating right, no vitamins, out in the desert with sand crawling in your uterus. That ain't no good for your snatch, dog. Dirty, filthy white chicks. Those are filthy white chicks, bro. 20 years ago, I'd be over there eating ass and getting my dick sucked, but now I'm too old. One of those diseases catches you, right? You end up with Lyme disease or something going to fucking bitches up there.

• 3:39Theo Von?

  Oh dude, I'll get, bro, I'll get Lyme disease in my lungs, dude, some of the shit I'm into, you know?

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Those people crazy. They're six in the morning out there. Damn, what are we, there's a war going on. You wanna dance in the desert? Come on, bro. Fucking, how lost are you?

• 3:55Theo Von?

  Somebody will have an anthill in their ass out there, dude. It's a lot, bro. You get the dust on it, and you'll see like one of those, like a woman have an IUD in, but it's like a dream catcher version or whatever. It's like, they got some wild shit out there.

• 4:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, they got shit to catch a boar.

• 4:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 4:07Speaker 02

  And they're snatching. But boar wants to go, ah, and he fucking stops it. Oh. No, you don't ever wanna go to that deal. You're trying to maintain a-

• 4:15Theo Von?

  They'll have a falcon doing tarot cards and shit. They got people on all kinds of shit out there.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  And they're all rich.

• 4:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  They're all rich. They're all trust owners. Don't believe the hype.

• 4:24Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like going to a fancy club, but they move it out to the desert. That's what it is. For the regular junkie that's out there who took his bike out there, who drove, fricking rode 200 miles from Laughlin to get over there or something. That motherfucker's gonna have a tough time, I think. You know? They'll have a caterpillar out there, like, uh, you know, like doing a Ouija board and shit. They got all kinds of-

• 4:45Speaker 02

  Are we taping?

• 4:45Theo Von?

  Huh?

• 4:46Speaker 02

  Are we taping?

• 4:46Theo Von?

  Yeah. Can we?

• 4:48Speaker 02

  I didn't know. I thought you were gonna welcome me and shit. I didn't know for sure.

• 4:52Theo Von?

  No, I'll bring it in, dude. But yeah, dude, it's fucking, it's a lot out there, man. It's a lot. Yeah, dude, I had one chance to go, but it was like my, my, my neighbor went and he was like, they had, uh, Diddy was out there. And I think, um, who else was out there? Like, it was like Fat Joe, maybe, I think, they said. Just people out there in the desert. Michael Strahan.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, but they're in the desert. They got fucking a van that picks them up and they get cooled off and shit. That's a big difference.

• 5:20Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, they got an Inuit out there blowing cool, cool air on their back and shit.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, they got, they hooked up. Hooked up like a motherfucker.

• 5:28Theo Von?

  It's different, man.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  It's not for me. I don't wanna be out there with sand and no showers.

• 5:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  I'm anti-anything where I can't wash my ass. You understand me? Like, for years I wouldn't go camping because, listen, when I wake up in the morning, I got odors. You know, and I don't want them lasting all day.

• 5:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  You wake up with a stinky asshole and you put shorts on and go back out, it just compounds.

• 5:49Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  It just compounds. So I've never been into places without showers.

• 5:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  I gotta take, and then I'd met a girl and we used to go camping, but she would take me to those, you know, little places where the, it's a cheat camp. If you don't wanna take a shower, you can bathe in the lake, but they got two showers over there.

• 6:05Theo Von?

  Oh, right there.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  I'm in.

• 6:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:07Speaker 02

  I don't mind cooking outside. I don't mind fucking her outside. I didn't mind any of that. I just need a shower.

• 6:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:14Speaker 02

  Brush my teeth, you know?

• 6:15Theo Von?

  I don't like it if somebody sneaks off, they're like, I'm gonna go for a little walk or something, but you know that they're gonna shit somewhere or something. Like, you can't really hide, like, you know, somebody's like, I'm gonna go over here and look at something, but you know that they're shitting or whatever.

• 6:26Speaker 02

  Listen, I know once a year I'm gonna shit somewhere.

• 6:28Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Once a year, I'm, every year I have to shit once outside.

• 6:33Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:34Speaker 02

  You're not gonna make it as a human being. Maybe you do, but there's nights where, you know, I wanna shit on that toilet.

• 6:40Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  You know what I'm saying? I don't mind pulling it off one night, you gotta shit in a hurry.

• 6:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 6:45Speaker 02

  But again, I'm a toilet type of dude. You know what I'm saying? I'm a little spoiled.

• 6:49Theo Von?

  Yeah, yeah, I'm a little spoiled.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  I grew up poor, but I'm a little spoiled.

• 6:52Theo Von?

  Yeah, I'm a little spoiled, bro. That's where I am. Dude, uh, we're in your home area, bro, Asbury Park.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  Yes, we are, brother.

• 6:59Theo Von?

  Well, it's awesome.

• 7:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I grew up two hours from here.

• 7:02Theo Von?

  Oh, you did?

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I would come down here to concerts. They have a great, they used to have, or maybe they still do, the Asbury Park Convention Center. And we were kids, same people who played the Garden, played that, Lynyrd Skynyrd, it's on YouTube, Lynyrd Skynyrd tore up this motherfucking 77. You know, I came down here to see it in 1981. I came down here to see Iron Maiden opening up for Judas Priest.

• 7:25Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  I came to another concert down here, and I think I came down here to a basketball camp. So I didn't really, I wasn't in this area growing up. I'm more North Jersey and shit. Yeah, look at them. They fucking ripped it apart in this bitch.

• 7:39Theo Von?

  Wow. That's amazing. Was that the first concert you ever went to?

• 7:44Speaker 02

  No, no, I had gone to concerts for like, uh, four years prior to that. I was maybe 17 when they threw the bottle at us and I was like, ah, all right.

• 7:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  I'm good.

• 7:55Theo Von?

  When they threw the bottle at you? Oh.

• 7:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, we got out of the car. We weren't even out of the car, I'm telling you. We fucking got hit with a bottle. Some guy just threw a fucking beer bottle at us. We got out, we turned around. It was 10 brothers with no shirts on, like I told you early, and I'm like, fuck Judas Priest, we'll park on the other side. You know what I'm saying? Guess who else was at that concert? Jimmy Florentine, not knowing. I heard him on his radio show when he had talking about that show. Because those motherfuckers used to throw smoke bombs at concerts. And I, and I heard him talking about it. I'm like, I still remember that, being a kid and having the chubby eyes because of the smoke bombs. He was the motherfucker doing the smoke bomb. And they threw him up. And his mother had to pick him up. He tells the whole fucking story, so.

• 8:41Theo Von?

  He's a legend, dude. Oh, that's great, bro. I used to have such a good time with him on, um, on Opie and Jim back in the day, man. Jim Florentine's a, he's a bastard.

• 8:50Speaker 02

  He's a good, he's my neighbor.

• 8:51Theo Von?

  Is he?

• 8:52Speaker 02

  Two doors down. How, how do you think I ended up here? I called him and his, his sister-in-law showed me out.

• 8:57Theo Von?

  Oh, nice.

• 8:58Speaker 02

  He's got a great family.

• 8:59Theo Von?

  Does he?

• 9:00Speaker 02

  I call them the Florentine crime family.

• 9:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:03Speaker 02

  They don't stop. They don't, they do a party every 10 days, something. The family's so big, they got, they take concerts, they go to like Miami Dolphin games. They'll take 40 people, a family.

• 9:14Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 9:15Speaker 02

  They'll spend the whole weekend down there.

• 9:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  You know what I'm saying? It's not bad. It ain't for me, because I work weekends, I got my daughter, but that's a great, I mean, my daughter plays softball on the weekends, so.

• 9:25Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's a great, yeah, that's a great life over there. Yeah, dude, I love Jersey, man. Jersey has some of the most entertaining women I've ever been around in my life, man.

• 9:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, they'll fucking talk you ear off and shit.

• 9:36Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, they get, dude, yeah, and you gotta put them on a phone.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  And they're interesting. They're interesting to an extent. But I like, I was always, I always wanted to raise my daughter here. There was something about North Jersey that I, I learned a lot of lessons up there.

• 9:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  And I wanted her to at least, those lessons are all done today. But I wanted her at least to feel what I felt, in a way, to a degree, so never, you know, feel the shittiness I felt. But that was part of when I left LA, it was, I knew I was leaving LA. That's what people never understood. I was planning it.

• 10:12Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:12Speaker 02

  Before the pandemic, we were coming down here. April fourth to buy a house. I was coming in March and then we were coming back together as a family in April. We're gonna buy the house, finish up the school year and then move here that that August. The pandemic just rushed it up and lit a fire under my, you know, broke my heart to fucking uh leave, but it was time. I had already, you know, I felt that I had gotten the most I did out of LA.

• 10:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  I'm fifty seven. What else could possibly happen? You know, more happened than I anticipated. So I'm just gonna take my winnings and leave.

• 10:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 10:47Speaker 02

  Buy a bank and start getting cocky. Let's shoot a pilot. Let's drop four hundred. Get the fuck out of here. So that was my decision in moving here.

• 10:55Theo Von?

  Yeah. I think it's a beautiful place out here, man. I love even just driving over to here, bro. It's nice. Like we went through like countryside and stuff like there's a river right out here.

• 11:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, there's rivers everywhere. Listen, I live in central Jersey, which this is considered that on the borderline.

• 11:12Theo Von?

  Mm hmm.

• 11:14Speaker 02

  Bro, I got foxes in my backyard. I got raccoons. I got fucking deer. I got, you know, and it's, this is why I like it. At this age for me, no. But if I would have came here when I was forty two, for example, you buy a house in central Jersey and you just go, you know what? I'm going into the city on Tuesday. I'm gonna do four spots. Cause anything after four spots, it's a law diminishing returns.

• 11:38Theo Von?

  I agree.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  Two, three, four spots and get out of here early. And I'll tell you what, how I got introduced to this area down here was one of my brothers lives in Morganville, which is ten minutes from where I live now.

• 11:49Theo Von?

  Really?

• 11:50Speaker 02

  One of the gangsters I grew up with, like his family took me in and shit. He lived here and I would come and stay with him. So part of the deal was I helped him with his fish, fish company and he pay me. I would help him and it was unreal how we would get in the car at four in the morning, shoot into Manhattan. Now I'm a comic. I'm a feature slash headliner.

• 12:08Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 12:09Speaker 02

  But when I come to Jersey, I would stay with him. I would do like three or four weeks instead of having to go back and forth. I would do like three or four weeks, rascals in those days, bananas, maybe something else. And I would deliver fish with him in the mornings, help him pick up the fish at the Fulton Fish Market. That was a fucking adventure.

• 12:26Theo Von?

  Really?

• 12:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. Cause I would go to get fish. I come back home with an eight ball. It was great. Four in the morning, I'm walking around with an eight ball. I got a discount price for one eighty at the Fulton Fish Market.

• 12:35Theo Von?

  And you gotta fuck.

• 12:35Speaker 02

  They had everything there.

• 12:36Theo Von?

  You got a long trout in your nose.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  You know how many times I pulled out a fish at Fulton Fish Market and there were hookers there?

• 12:41Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  It's four in the morning. You're gonna get fish. Five in the morning. That's, that's when the party starts. They're over there. They're looking for guys that had a lot of protein in them. So they like those fucking fish dudes. There were hookers there. We'd deliver five, six deliveries. We'd be done by ten thirty, eleven and by twelve o'clock after a forty four, forty five minute drive, I just went from people cutting each other off, bike guys flying through the air, double parking, hey, fuck you, to this serene lifestyle.

• 13:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  And let me tell you how, let me tell you how cool it was, the setup he had. You walk through his backyard with your fish clothes on and you just rip yourself naked and you jumped in the shower, washed the fish off and we go right in the pool.

• 13:24Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  So I go talk to his mother while he was doing his ritual and then I'd do the same ritual, jump in the pool. Then his father would clean off the fish and start grilling fish in the afternoon. By three o'clock, I'd be in fucking heaven, getting the vitamin D, fish. I got an eight ball. I picked up at four in the morning.

• 13:43Speaker 02

  So I enjoyed, I liked that one minute I was in the city and the next minute I was in, it's like if you live in LA and Hollywood, but you live in Calabasas. It's a hike of a ride. You're not gonna do it every day, but when you do it, you strike. But that's when you see the beauty.

• 14:00Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 14:00Speaker 02

  You go from being at the store chaos. Who, who stole a joke? Who did this?

• 14:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, who's a f*** or whatever.

• 14:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, and all of a sudden you're at the fucking, you're in your home and you know, there's no red light.

• 14:14Theo Von?

  Right.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  People ain't cutting you off. There's no homeless people. So really, and that's what I saw in my life when I moved to Jersey. So I could still do the city, but an hour later, all that shit's out of my system.

• 14:26Theo Von?

  Amen.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  I'm home with my family, my daughter. I'm a different person.

• 14:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, you can kick your feet up on the ottoman and it feels like you're actually at peace.

• 14:32Speaker 02

  Oh, I got my chair. Soon as I moved there, I got one of those Archie bunker chairs.

• 14:36Theo Von?

  Did you?

• 14:36Speaker 02

  You lay back. Oh, fuck yeah.

• 14:37Theo Von?

  Oh, Archie.

• 14:38Speaker 02

  And I live my, I put my little blankie on it. My legs get cold at night. I got my little remote control. I got a little refrigerator right here in the family room. I put my little blooms in there and a couple of Snapples and some water. I got my peptides in there in case I just wanna get up and shoot one while I'm sitting there.

• 14:54Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude, I watched John Wick and fucking blast myself right in the neck with one.

• 14:58Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. They even have a John Wick peptide.

• 15:00Theo Von?

  They do?

• 15:01Speaker 02

  You just start shooting people. You just get a gun and stuff.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  What's going on in your world these days, brother?

• 15:07Theo Von?

  What's going on? What you get? For one, I mean, I just, I, I, I do wanna say this. I love Jer- one thing I love about Jersey and Philadelphia, some of the funniest women, best senses of humor, bro. I mean, and it's, I mean, Jersey, some of these little broads, I agree. They definitely, you got some violent little princesses around here, you know, you got a fucking.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Dangerous women. There's a couple of women that are that hot, that they're dangerous. Those Italian chicks.

• 15:32Theo Von?

  Oh, they got, they got, they got sharp tits too. A lot of, some of the little.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  I just sit there and watch and giggle. Like, look at how these motherfuckers are just racking up victims. People buying them cocktails and these bitches are going home solo. Yeah.

• 15:48Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. A lot of bitches just collecting miadas at their house.

• 15:52Speaker 02

  I love Philadelphia and I'm gonna tell you why, because they didn't get the memo yet. And even if you sent it to Philadelphia, they're not gonna honor it.

• 15:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  To really want, some people like comedy, standup comedy. They think that's great to laugh. It is. I love watching standup comedy, but then again, I like comedy that just happens. And if, the only place in the world where I could count on that happening is Philadelphia. Ten for ten. They just don't get the memo.

• 16:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  And you're like, Joey, well, give me an example. When we moved here, I looked at tickets for the Yankees, the Mets, but I wanna see somebody was playing, San Francisco was playing in Philadelphia. So I asked my wife, take a look at the ticket. She goes, they're okay. Let's go. So a bunch of us went Florentine, his kid, the neighbor, me, my wife, my daughter. My wife had, my daughter was eight and in LA, we hung around people I didn't really curse. You know, once I moved to Jersey, I was like, we might as well start cursing because even the moms are fucking saying fuck you and all this shit.

• 16:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  And my daughter would just sit there lost. I'm like, go ahead. You can't curse though. She, my daughter won't curse. She's not allowed to curse till she goes to college. So fuck it. That's my rule. Cause if not, they won't take her into college if you curse.

• 17:02Theo Von?

  Yeah. And then it gives her a reason to wanna go to college too.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:05Theo Von?

  Cause a lot of kids, you let them curse early, they're not even gonna go to school.

• 17:08Speaker 02

  No, no, this one has to go to school. A mother will kill her.

• 17:11Theo Von?

  A lot of kids, I'd apply to college just to say motherfucker when I got over there. You know what I'm saying? It's like, it's kinda like, that's sort of the best way to do it, dude. But yeah, they got some short ladies around. They got some, well, what's the tallest woman in New Jersey? Bring that up, dude, if you can. They got some violent little princesses, dude. I mean, some.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  You go to my boxing gym, there's a couple of chicks in there that'll knock you the fuck out.

• 17:31Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  I know for a fact.

• 17:32Theo Von?

  Oh, there you go. Tallest one in Jersey, five eight. So damn.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  And that's not even, oh, you know.

• 17:38Theo Von?

  But it is for here, bro. Cause the God don't wanna, they, they so, they so potent, they can't make more of it, you know? It's like, it's like if you get like a, you know what I'm saying? It's like, they're a, they're a high milligram edible. They blow bitches, boy, that's for sure, dude. But some of the most entertaining women ever, bro. They'll fucking, some of them.

• 17:57Speaker 02

  I wanted you to, I, I really hoped you would have came down last night. I would have canceled my gig and take you to dinner at a fucking really great place, man. Like central Jersey and listen, New York City is New York City, northern New Jersey is northern New Jersey, but I got some spots in central Jersey that'll take your fucking lights out. Like you're eating fucking, this is good shit. I understand everything to the last detail.

• 18:19Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  So I'm taking my daughter to Philly.

• 18:22Theo Von?

  Mm hmm.

• 18:22Speaker 02

  And she's eight.

• 18:23Theo Von?

  To the ballgame?

• 18:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, to this uh Phillies game, the baseball. I pull her aside and I go, Mercy, listen, when you get to Philadelphia, you're gonna see things and hear things you've never heard before.

• 18:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 18:34Speaker 02

  I'm just preparing you. Okay. And she's hip. She's been listening to me talk for you. So we pull up at the game, we park, we're walking through the front door and I'm not even at the front door. My daughter hits my leg and she's like, what? She goes, look, right on the wall, there was a picture of a big dick. I mean, it had to be fifteen feet long, you know, walking to the six, whatever, but there's a dick somebody spray painted.

• 18:57Theo Von?

  Right.

• 18:58Speaker 02

  Now you know what I'm saying?

• 18:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  And once you walk in there, it's a completely different place too. They say shit. They just say shit.

• 19:05Theo Von?

  Yeah, they don't, they're the most, I mean, they're the most next level.

• 19:08Speaker 02

  Then like, they say, I went to a sixer game with her and there was two guys making out.

• 19:12Theo Von?

  Mm hmm.

• 19:13Speaker 02

  I'm like, that's not gonna last long.

• 19:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:16Speaker 02

  Not in Philadelphia.

• 19:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 19:17Speaker 02

  And sure enough, they were gone. Somebody came and tapped him in the shoulder and like, too many kids around though. Hang on, but I have my rights. Listen, we have our rights too. We'll fucking put you in a dungeon.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Put you in the fucking dungeon. How's that?

• 19:32Theo Von?

  And a lot of gay dudes, they dress like they wanna be in a dungeon sometimes too. So that's kinda the trick.

• 19:36Speaker 02

  No, I don't have nothing against the gay dudes. They're just some places that fucking don't fuck around still.

• 19:42Theo Von?

  Right.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  They didn't get the memo.

• 19:44Theo Von?

  Yeah, some places they make their own rules.

• 19:45Speaker 02

  They didn't get the memo.

• 19:46Theo Von?

  And you show up and you gotta kinda rock with them. Dude, we would go, I'm trying to think of where we went. That was very, yeah, Philly's one of a kind though. Do you see a fucking bird out there selling dope up near Temple or something? You see a black dude like dress up like an Uber and give another black dude a piggyback ride, fucking a hundred and fifty feet for a couple grams? You know, we, we, we would see all, I mean, yeah, some of the shit we would see, bro.

• 20:07Speaker 02

  And audiences are very real in Philly. Like I've never, I remember doing a casino one night and I had such a good time. I just jumped. Chubby Joey just jumped into the audience and they caught me. Oof. You know what I'm saying? I was like, this is spectacular.

• 20:20Theo Von?

  How were the people that caught you? I wonder how they doing? You checked up?

• 20:23Speaker 02

  I think I fucked up one guy's shoulder. You know what I'm saying? He just didn't have it no more. But it's, it's just, it's a fun place to do comedy. I think it's a fun city because when I go down there, I like watch them like, you know, where the chick sold the first flag, Betsy Klein, what's her name?

• 20:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, Betty, uh, Betty Wilson or whatever.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  You go to Betty Ross, Betsy Ross's house.

• 20:42Theo Von?

  Betsy Ross.

• 20:43Speaker 02

  You go there, you go to, they have a lot of neat stuff that'll bring you back.

• 20:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  I can't like, holy fuck.

• 20:49Theo Von?

  Oh, the museums there, bro.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, bro, bro.

• 20:52Theo Von?

  It's next level.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Stop it. Stop it there. That's where it all went down.

• 20:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, we, people forget about that. People think.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  That's what's interesting to me. Like when I go to a town, I don't wanna go to a club. I don't wanna do nothing. I wanna see this shit, especially these east coast, North Carolina. All those places have some great stuff at those states, man. When you travel, it's not even about the restaurants to me anymore.

• 21:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  But a fucking good museum? Look at this shit.

• 21:16Theo Von?

  Yeah. And look at that lady dressed up like Betsy Ross probably.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, you could dress up like Betsy Ross and they do that every day. You go there and they school you and then, bro, but it's, it's non-stop.

• 21:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  The, the, the history of fucking Philadelphia alone. You know, where you went and got off the car that night? And took the picture with the boxer from North Bergen.

• 21:36Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  If you get on that road.

• 21:38Theo Von?

  James J. Braddock.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  James J. Braddock. I'll take you to a place where George Washington's fucking, uh, whatever is there, not the bowling ball, cannonball. That's what George, it's a little ledge in Fort Lee. You walk down, you have to walk in the park.

• 21:50Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Under the George Washington Bridge.

• 21:52Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  If you ever get a chance to do that.

• 21:54Theo Von?

  Uh huh.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  You know, I used to walk that bridge to cop. I could walk to George Washington. I would walk it twice a day sometimes.

• 22:01Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 22:01Speaker 02

  You could just zip in, cause if you take a car, they watch to see what cars go in and out.

• 22:06Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, but walking.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Pull you over and they'll fucking take your car. Your car gets confiscated. So at those days, they used to say, why are we going through all this shit?

• 22:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  It's a mile walk.

• 22:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  It's a mile walk. And I mean, you would loop out, get off the plane, get off the fucking bridge, cop, and get right on the, I'm going. And nobody would fuck. And meanwhile, when you land in Jersey, you see a line of cars with their hoods open.

• 22:26Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:27Speaker 02

  Getting fucked and searched and shit. So I would just walk over and it, but the things I would just see in there wasn't about, I mean, it was about the addiction, but it wasn't about like, I would get surprised, even when you land on the other side of New York, if you go underneath.

• 22:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Like that area there, when I was growing up, that's where you dropped your car off if you didn't wanna pay for it no more.

• 22:46Theo Von?

  Really? Just left it there?

• 22:47Speaker 02

  Just leave it there for the twenty dollar bill in the front seat and put the keys in the ignition?

• 22:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 22:51Speaker 02

  You'll never see that car again.

• 22:52Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 22:53Speaker 02

  Okay, that's one area in New York. Right under the George Washington Bridge on the New York side. Just drop your car off down there, come back the next day, it's gone.

• 23:01Theo Von?

  Oh, you see a family of brothers driving it a month later, probably.

• 23:04Speaker 02

  They probably take it, burn it, get money for the parts, whatever. But it was well known, just drop your car off.

• 23:10Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, dude, I'm, I love like just places from growing up, places from the past. There definitely was a lot of stuff about Jersey, like, did, did y'all ever go on any like family trips and stuff around here?

• 23:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. This is where, my mom liked this shit too.

• 23:25Theo Von?

  She did? Oh, like history and stuff?

• 23:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, she loved American history. She loved the, the American culture, you know? When we came here, that's what really like blew my mind. My, my mom wouldn't go to a baseball game, she couldn't stand for the national anthem. And don't get me started on my uncle. He has to watch the game from beginning to end, seventh inning, he gets up and does, they love all that shit.

• 23:46Theo Von?

  The, the tradition of it.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  Because they were anti-revolutionaries. Castro took all their shit. So when the United States took them in, they always felt like they were endeared to the United States.

• 23:57Theo Von?

  Hmm.

• 23:57Speaker 02

  And that was a good way, you know, I learned a lot from that. I didn't think they were into that shit, but my mom was pro-America, pro-everything, A to fucking Z. And it was, you know, like I said, I, I didn't know my mom had it in her, but she wanted me to be a Marine.

• 24:11Theo Von?

  She did?

• 24:12Speaker 02

  She wanted to walk me in there. The plan was a Marine for four years, get out, law school, and then go back as an officer or some shit.

• 24:19Theo Von?

  An officer and a gentleman she wanted.

• 24:21Speaker 02

  I don't know about no fucking gentleman, but the officer would have been there. And I think about that shit.

• 24:25Theo Von?

  You met a lot of officers, bro?

• 24:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:27Theo Von?

  And I'd say you're a gentleman, bro.

• 24:29Speaker 02

  Fuck, yeah. I've always been a fucking gentleman. You know what I'm saying? Who the fuck they think they're dealing with? Joey Bananas?

• 24:35Theo Von?

  Was, uh, what, what, what ended that? Kind of like, what ended the Marine thingy thing?

• 24:40Speaker 02

  Her dying.

• 24:41Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Yeah. Once she died, I was like, ooh, there goes the rock.

• 24:46Theo Von?

  You're like, you took it.

• 24:47Speaker 02

  And I still consider it. And when I got in trouble.

• 24:49Theo Von?

  Like in honor of her, did you consider it or you just considered it?

• 24:52Speaker 02

  Considered in honor of her. And I even went up there and talked to the recruiter, but I got coked up the next night and I missed the blood test.

• 24:59Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 24:59Speaker 02

  So I was always embarrassed and I thought I'd faint at the blood test. When he said blood test, I threw a fucking wrench in it. At, in those days.

• 25:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:06Speaker 02

  If I knew now what I knew then, I would have signed up in the service.

• 25:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  And I still believe it. Yeah.

• 25:11Theo Von?

  I think so too, when I look back, cause I wasted some years screwing around.

• 25:15Speaker 02

  Listen, I've been in Jersey officially six years. That's a law degree.

• 25:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:20Speaker 02

  That's how you have to look at things sometimes. Like I, that's why when you're in high school and I come to you and go, all right, Theo, you wanna join the Marines? I'm gonna sign you up for twenty years. You're like, twenty years? But guess what? You get out when you're thirty-eight now and you have a second life with a pension, somebody financing that.

• 25:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  And medical benefits and all this shit that comes with it.

• 25:39Theo Von?

  And you can be a badass too.

• 25:40Speaker 02

  And now you're a badass.

• 25:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  You're thirty-eight years old. You just lived a complete different life and you didn't even have to pull the trigger.

• 25:46Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  There was no war for you to get deployed to, maybe they sent you for operations to Chicago, like my nephew, to learn about operations and fucking, you know, intelligence and shit like that. But think about it, how much time we blow as Americans? Then you're like, bro, that really happened eight years ago, Theo? And you're like, yeah, that happened eight years. And you're like, I could have done so much with my life in eight years. But that's the path we chose and I'm happy I chose it now.

• 26:14Theo Von?

  Yeah, I think about that too, man. It's hard. Sometimes I chose, I think like just be a social, kinda screwing around. I love to be around people. So it's like, sometimes I think like that was always like, well, I just don't wanna commit to something, you know, I just wanna be able to be free, but I think, yeah, I would have loved to have had that like, uh, what's it called when you stick to something and you, organization built into me, you know? If somebody would have led me there, you know? As you guys know, Moonpay is my go-to place to buy crypto. And they've just launched something new. It's called Moonpay Agents. It's tech that lets AI actually handle your crypto for you.

• 26:53Theo Von?

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• 27:38Theo Von?

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• 28:20Theo Von?

  They've been great over the years as, as we've kind of added products or taken products away. There is no better feeling than having something that is truly yours. Find out what it feels like to say, that's my business, at Shopify.com slash Theo. That's Shopify.com slash Theo. What happens when your health becomes the punchline? From seed oils to stress, toxins to pollutants, the modern world is screwing with our health at the cellular level. Leading to exhaustion, brain fog, digestive issues and more. But here's the thing, you don't have to settle for feeling like garbage twenty-four seven.

• 29:05Theo Von?

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• 29:50Theo Von?

  That's T R Y A R M R A dot com slash Theo. When, um, when did your mother pass actually? I can't even remember.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  I was sixteen.

• 30:01Theo Von?

  When you were sixteen? And you found her, right?

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Fifteen, fifteen, yeah.

• 30:07Theo Von?

  I found it.

• 30:07Speaker 02

  Holy shit.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  You bad motherfucker.

• 30:11Theo Von?

  Wow, look at you, bro.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  I even got medals there.

• 30:16Theo Von?

  Hell, yeah, dude, that's beautiful. Yeah, look at you. There you go, dude.

• 30:21Theo Von?

  Wow. What was something else that she liked to do?

• 30:25Speaker 02

  Gamble.

• 30:26Theo Von?

  She did? What kind of gambling, though?

• 30:28Speaker 02

  Heavy.

• 30:29Theo Von?

  Like, you talking dominoes and stuff, or no?

• 30:30Speaker 02

  Baseball.

• 30:32Theo Von?

  Really?

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Lot of baseball.

• 30:33Theo Von?

  She bet on games?

• 30:34Speaker 02

  Fuck, yeah, and go to them.

• 30:36Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 30:37Speaker 02

  And then it got, once she sold her business, it got worse, because now she was bored, so now she started picking horses. And that's not a good thing to do on this side of the country, because you have a noon race and about, you know, like somewhere in Malmes, or you have like, so there's all these tracks that one ends and one picks up. So you might come here in the daytime, down the shore to see afternoon game, which is great. Going to the track in the afternoon, you put like fifty bucks in your pocket, you get a clam chowder in you around the sun, watching degenerates laughing their asses off. But my mom would go from that, and then she'd go home, cook dinner, and then go to the Meadowlands at eight, and catch it at the Meadowlands. If the Meadowlands wasn't good for her, she'd get into another car and go to fucking Yonkers now.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  We were talking about addictions and what addictions make you do.

• 31:25Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 31:26Speaker 02

  What would possess you to get in a fucking cab at eleven o'clock at night to make it to Yonkers for the night racing till two in the morning? You don't get out of there till like two in the fucking morning.

• 31:36Theo Von?

  Was it dogs or just horses?

• 31:38Speaker 02

  It was horses, dogs, pigeons, whatever the fuck they did. So here she is, bored to death, going to games, gambling. At that point, she invested in a jewelry company, but she was buying the jewelry herself for her. She going there every day, oh, I think I need this ring.

• 31:51Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 31:52Speaker 02

  What did we accomplish here? And then it was what she was going through with the divorce, you know, separating from my stepdad and all that. And then health wasn't good, she kept drinking, and she came home one night and punched a ticket.

• 32:05Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  And everything changes, you know, at one point, you're like, fuck, everything changed in my life to you. And then I didn't want to live for a long time, but I wasn't gonna kill myself. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I wasn't gonna, I didn't want to live, but I'm not gonna cop out and jump off a bridge. I'll just do something fucked up and hopefully it'll shoot me.

• 32:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  And thank God that never happened.

• 32:26Theo Von?

  What do you think that is, that part of us, it's like, because I have, I have, I have had that, man, where it's like, I don't want to live, but I'm not gonna kill myself, you know?

• 32:33Speaker 02

  I don't want to live, but I ain't gonna kill myself. I can't do that.

• 32:37Theo Von?

  There must be something inside of me that does want to live, Dan.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, that's it. It's just, maybe it's an excuse, but I know that there's tons of people that walk around and be like, I don't want to live, but I don't want to jump off a bridge and embarrass my family, or this, or that, or, you know.

• 32:51Theo Von?

  One foot in front of the other.

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:53Theo Von?

  That's what you gotta, just gotta keep proving yourself, even when your brain is like saying whatever. I think that's what, if you just can keep moving your feet, you know, just keep trying, you know? And a step is the easiest thing. Sometimes it's the smallest thing you can do, you know? Did you feel like your mom like deserted you kind of, or no? Did you ever think, like, was that feelings, or she just had had enough?

• 33:12Speaker 02

  No, she had just, she died of a broken heart. It's what the Chinese call a broken heart, disguised as a disguised as a heart attack. And it was sad, because sometimes I think that what her last feelings were as she was getting the heart attack, and she was yelling for me. But because she had a fucked up habit of waking me up at three in the morning, cooking on that particular, I'm like, I don't want to go downstairs and eat. I don't want to go downstairs and hear this shit. And then like forty minutes later, I woke up and I saw that she hadn't come up, and I go, let me go downstairs and see. And she was on the floor, dead as disco, you know? And it's, it's a fucking realization, you know, I was just talking to a friend of mine, and I kind of got upset.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  And I told him, I go, my mother's been gone for forty seven years, and there's not a day that I don't, at one point, you're like, fuck. And he's got something going on with his mom, and I said, so if I was you, I'd go take care of that. Because she's at an age where she could tip tomorrow, and now you have to live with that pain. And I go, let me just give you an example. I died on good terms with my mom, and I still have like this pain that just, you know? And then I learned things about myself, you know, I learned that when I was, and I remember, I'm not gonna lie to anybody, and part of the healing process for me beside the acid and the fucking, you know, I was a sophomore in high school, so I couldn't stop living my life, you know?

• 34:36Theo Von?

  And at that time, and you're also really coming into your own life, and you're kind of obsessed with your own world as, at that age as a teenager, that's where my dad died.

• 34:43Speaker 02

  I had an option to move to California with my uncle, I had an option to move with my godmother in Harlem, but I was already set in North Bergen, I had already put this work in at North Bergen, just to be somebody.

• 34:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Just to try to be cool at parties and, you know, be funny, or whatever the fuck I was thinking. But this is something I realized when I moved back here. Part of my healing process from my mother at that time, because I'd be out with you till four in the morning, like a year after she died.

• 35:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 35:14Speaker 02

  I'd be out with you, whatever, and also on the way home, I'd go drop me off over here. And then you said to me like, don't you live around the corner? Yeah, yeah, but I'm gonna walk a little bit. You go, all right, man, you good? Yeah. What I was doing is sneaking to my mother's house. I would just go to where we grew up and sit in the steps. Nobody was in the house yet.

• 35:31Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 35:32Speaker 02

  Just to see if maybe they made a mistake. Just, just, just maybe. Maybe she took the wrong bus home that night. Maybe she went to the wrong house. You, you lie to yourself. I was a seventeen year old kid.

• 35:43Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 35:44Speaker 02

  So was whatever was maintaining me, but I remember thinking to myself one day, you know what, man, she went to Cuba? And she gonna come back.

• 35:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 35:53Speaker 02

  And this is all gonna get straightened out. I'm gonna live my life till I get the call. That's the biggest lie I ever told myself.

• 36:00Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  And you know, when I moved back here, six years ago, the first year? I was struggling, and it was because of that, because she lied to me. I thought she was gonna make a comeback like John Lennon, but she never fucking did.

• 36:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 36:13Speaker 02

  So it fucked with me. I'm, I'm, you know, I'm a man enough to say these.

• 36:16Theo Von?

  Because she had said that? She had said she was gonna move to Cuba and come back?

• 36:19Speaker 02

  No, she was dead.

• 36:21Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  In my mind, I made up this lie.

• 36:23Theo Von?

  Oh, that you kind of.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  As a coping mechanism.

• 36:25Theo Von?

  That part of you still believes?

• 36:26Speaker 02

  Yes. You know what, bro? She went to Cuba for the weekend. And I'll get a message from her eventually, maybe they arrest her in Cuba.

• 36:33Theo Von?

  So now when you came back, that thing never came to fruition?

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Like, when I came back after two or three months, I'm sitting on my balcony one day, and I'm like,

• 36:41Speaker 02

  she never fucking came back. And honestly, as grown of a man as I am, and as settled, it bothered me, like, she didn't come back. But then after meantime, it's like, Joey, nobody dies and comes back.

• 36:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 36:53Speaker 02

  They might leave you a note, you know, like a little flower might fly out of the sky one day or something. But I had to deal with that, but it was from the lesson that I had learned when she died, that I used that as a coping mechanism. Telling myself that maybe she just.

• 37:08Theo Von?

  Right.

• 37:08Speaker 02

  I remember one night I got so fucked up, I went to the grave and started digging it up with my hands, bro.

• 37:13Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 37:14Speaker 02

  Like, two months after she died, I went to the grave one night in a fucking coked up state, and God knows what I was on. And I just found sticks and shit, and I, you know, after an hour and a half, I only dug an inch.

• 37:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  I just wanted to make sure she was dead. I didn't, maybe I wasn't seeing things right. Maybe the acid lasted a little too long. It was just, it was that unbelievable to me that she had died. But here we are, forty seven years later, slinging dick, and at the end, I became what she wanted the most. She wanted to be, to be a man. And in her world, a man wasn't a guy who slings dick, and a man is somebody who provides, who is responsible. Because one of the last fights we got over, like ten days before she died, I had a curfew. I, I never had a curfew growing up. My curfew was, if you're not home by eleven, call me and let me know what time you're gonna come home.

• 38:08Theo Von?

  That's fair.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  And if you don't get to that point, if you tell me eleven forty, at eleven thirty nine, I better hear from you again, telling me again, what time you're gonna come in.

• 38:19Theo Von?

  Right.

• 38:20Speaker 02

  I don't want to know what you're doing. That was the deal we had at home. I never could figure that out. I thought it was a control mechanism.

• 38:26Theo Von?

  Right.

• 38:26Speaker 02

  And the last time I did that, I came home and then she smacked me. I was fifteen years old. She just took a fucking and smacked me in the face, and then I just walked to my room, and then the next morning when I woke up, she was there, and she goes, I smacked you in the face because someday you're gonna have a wife. And you have to be responsible to your wife. She has to know where you're at all the time. And I thought, I'm not gonna get married, you know, you're fifteen, I'm gonna be a playboy.

• 38:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  But now I understand. I understand those things. So that's what I, you know, it's like me moving from L A to Jersey was to really see if I was a man. All right, I'm out there with my friends giggling and, you know. Now let's see, moving back into a neighborhood and a community and being part of that community and having it be in a having a child in that community. And that's how I judge that stuff, you know, no drama, no arrests, no DUIs, no nothing. Just living my life and trying to be a little better every day, just a little bit, just a little bit, not much.

• 39:28Theo Von?

  Is there, is there ever like moments where dude, where you like, where you have like a moment with your daughter and it almost feels like you're giving that moment to your mother? Does that make any sense in a weird way? You know what I'm saying? Like, is there ever?

• 39:39Speaker 02

  Absolutely. And I'll tell you, you can throw up, brother. Thank you very much for being a gentleman and scholar.

• 39:44Theo Von?

  You know what I'm talking about? Like you kissed her on the head and it's almost like you kissing your mother on the head. Like, is there ever?

• 39:48Speaker 02

  No, no, no. I'm, I, I took that question the wrong way. I'm sorry. It's like, well, there's more. When I was born, I also had a sister. When we came from Cuba, my sister wanted to stay to finish off the school year. She never got here. So part of my mother's pain and sadness, that underlying, what's deep in your veins? And she wouldn't realize it till, what time? Two in the morning.

• 40:14Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  Once you get home and the party's over and the cocktails start, all of a sudden those old feelings come back and she would get sad at night.

• 40:21Theo Von?

  She missed her daughter.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  She missed her daughter. She raised a child without a daughter, without a family. And we, she did everything. She fucking congressman. She fucking donated, bribed. And then, anyway, not to even go there right now, confuse the audience. So that was always her underlying whatever. So she always wanted a child. And here I pop up with a daughter now. My, my daughter has the same kind of body as her. Sassy Cuban attitude.

• 40:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 40:51Speaker 02

  So I see a lot of that in my daughter. When I kiss her, I'm kissing my daughter. Fuck my mother. She dead. You know what I'm saying? Like I'm kissing my mother.

• 41:01Theo Von?

  I just meant like, is there some psychology there, you know?

• 41:03Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I think somewhere along that, when I hug her, it's from my mother. Listen.

• 41:08Theo Von?

  That's her.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  I'm responsible to this little kid. Like, you know, I, I go to Austin and I just come back, not because I want to come back, but because she has softball games. I want to be a part of her life.

• 41:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  So I try to be involved with her as much as I can. I drive her to practices. I take her to stand up shows with me. Because I want her to hear what men talk about in the green room. When I go in there, I sit her down. I go, deal with it.

• 41:30Theo Von?

  Right.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  And they're talking about eating ass and shooting heroin or whatever the fuck they're not. But I always wanted her to feel comfortable around men. So I've been dragging her to green rooms since she's twelve, maybe eleven. Just I took her down to Rogan, popped her in the fucking green room.

• 41:45Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 41:46Speaker 02

  Let her smell that marijuana smoke, you know, let her see what really goes on in life. So when she does get eighteen and get, gets let out into the world, she's not in shock.

• 41:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  I wanted to see what men think about, what men talk about, what is important to men when you're sitting there.

• 42:02Theo Von?

  What's going on?

• 42:02Speaker 02

  What's going on?

• 42:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  Because I always wanted to feel comfortable around fucking men. And I wanted to feel like she's got the situation under control. So every move I make is around that psychology. I'm raising her on a different tip, Jack.

• 42:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 42:16Speaker 02

  Everybody wants a smart kid. I want a smart kid, but I want that kid to be street smart. And that's what these children are missing today. There's adults walking around that they wouldn't know what to do unless somebody told them, their wives or whatever. So.

• 42:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, there's motherfuckers running around that couldn't buy an eight ball if you gave them fucking four days.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. And gave them the money and a straw.

• 42:35Theo Von?

  Yeah. Yeah, dude. Losing a parent man, like I remember my dad, like my dad was older, so I was embarrassed of him. And that's the thing, like if I have like a regret when it comes to it, it was like, I was embarrassed to how old he was. But it's like, so it kind of kept me away from him. But also I was at that age where like, uh, you're just kind of coming into your own and your parents, you're not even really super connected to your parents at like fourteen, fifteen, sixteen. You're doing your own shit. You think, you know, you're just kind of like, you know, your nuts are just starting to fucking look around, you know, peek, peek over your dick and look around, you know, it's like, things are, you know, things are starting to get different, you know, maybe somebody's flirting with you, maybe you're sneaking some chick in your room at night or whatever. It's little things.

• 43:17Theo Von?

  You're becoming, you're growing up. But yeah, dude, I was embarrassed of him. And sometimes, but that dude, my fucking dad, bro, he like, I think I told you, he had bought like a, a Delta eighty-eight, an old Cutlass kind of car off of some brothers, right? And he couldn't hear. And so he had had speakers in the trunk. So he had fucking twenty-two's in the trunk, right? He's driving this car. And it would play like, um, Paul Harvey, Rush Limbaugh, you know, just with bass, dude. It'd be like, Paul Harvey, good day, you know? And this motherfucking thing was just, just fucking rattling. He bought this car for like eight hundred bucks off a couple of brothers around the corner.

• 43:56Theo Von?

  So he would drive us around in that thing and the fucking doors wouldn't open, dude. Two of the passenger side doors. We'd always have to jump in the window. Everything in there was just a bunch of shit. He like, he like, he delivered candies for a little while and was putting candies in vending machines and shit. So we'd always have fucking like, like nine boxes of fucking melted chocolate in the back of his car, bro. So we'd have to sit in there till you fucking get out. Do you a half black, you were mulatto by the time you got out of that motherfucker. And they'd have like dogs come licking your arms and shit because she's covered in fucking chocolate. And you'd have to go to school, dude. So I was already embarrassed because we were poor and then I had to fucking walk out of here

• 44:36Theo Von?

  with fucking half a Kit Kat hanging off my neck, you know? And this is, and the fucking teacher's looking at me like, she doesn't even know where to start. And then sometimes he would come to pick us up from school and he would fall asleep in the fucking carpool line. So now it was embarrassing because the teacher's like blowing the whistle and he's fucking, you know, when there's fucking Reese cups fucking falling out of them. It's just like, like, dear God. I just felt, everything about it gave me like so much shame. Because I think there wasn't a conversation like, hey, we're gonna have some pride in this shit. This is who we are, you know? But, uh, anyway, I don't know why I told that story.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  But bro, that.

• 45:14Theo Von?

  But that makes your life.

• 45:15Speaker 02

  But it's so crazy how as kids, we don't see that.

• 45:18Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Listen, my mom would go to Met games and she'd act like a complaint. In fact, my mom spent so much money at the Met games, they wouldn't throw her out. But something happened with Rusty Staub. So she was sitting left field and throw chicken wings when he came back because he didn't make a catch one year and she lost eight hundred dollars.

• 45:37Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 45:37Speaker 02

  So she had it out for Rusty Staub and she would throw chicken bones at him. They had to move her to the other side of the stadium. They didn't throw her out.

• 45:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  Because she'd go there bribing, you know, we'd go there to games. Bro, we'd go to games. She had a guy that she'd give like twenty bucks to and the guy would bring you to like the first row. And he'd look at the people's tickets and go, you're sitting in the wrong place. People with real tickets, he would throw them out and put them somewhere else and give my mom the tickets. This was insane, you know? This was fucking insane. And I would be so fucking embarrassed. And then she stole a church from the bell. My third, my.

• 46:11Theo Von?

  She stole the bell from church?

• 46:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, stole the church and she'd take it to Met games and ring them for good luck. And then when the Mets lost the fucking playoffs to Cincinnati Reds in seventy-three, she actually gave me the bell and she goes, get that fucking voodoo shit out of my house. It made me lose. I go, they've been winning all season. You were having a good time with the bell. Now I got caught bringing the bell back with my own. She stole the bell from my school, not from some store. She went to a church on a Sunday to meet, for me to do whatever the fuck, singing the school band. And she saw a little bell and took it in her purse. And now a year later, she's giving it back to me to bring it back because it's voodoo. I'm like, you're fucking, and this is the house I lived in. So we're embarrassed about these things, but once like that sounds intense, where you go out to the car and your dad's asleep.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  That's fucking, and that's when you just turn around and make believe he's not your dad.

• 47:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  Son, get in here, son, you know? I remember one time I was swimming at a pool. My mom told me, when you leave today, make sure you make your bet. People are coming on. I'm like, mom, I'm not making my bet. And I'll never forget the conversation. I said, listen, why am I gonna make my bed? I'm gonna go back to sleep. And she looked me right in the face. She goes, why do you wipe your ass? You're gonna shit two hours later, right? So I left and went to this pool party with some girls. I'm playing like a pip. I got my gold chain on and shit. And also I hear, Jose Antonio. And that's my real name, Jose Antonio. Jose Antonio. She actually came to the fence and was yelling. And people like, who is that lady? I'm like, I don't fucking know. Call 911. Get her out of here. My mom

• 47:45Speaker 02

  heard that shot. 911, you're a pool cop, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Then I saw her starting to climb the fence. She threw the stick over and was trying to climb the fence and shit. And I just took off. And she chased me for like, fucking 20 minutes, hit me with the fucking stick. And then when I put my hands up the block, she lost her mind. And she went and got a bounty, a bounty roll, lit it on fire to burn my hands. Because you're not supposed to lift your hands to your moms. That's the world I came from. I came from a heavy duty fucking world. I had something on Sunday, people came over. And all these people are talking about shit. And I looked at them, I go, I don't know what the fuck, who raised you. Yeah. But in a fucking my house, you couldn't, a kid couldn't talk at the fucking dinner table. Yeah. They'd look at you like you were Val Kilmer in

• 48:27Speaker 02

  heat. Remember when Val Kilmer didn't say nothing? Yeah. That's how they looked at you. Like, why are you speaking? Yeah. And in my house, I got these people talking about shit. I still remember going to a friend of mine's house. And I couldn't believe how loose white people were at the table. When he was Irish. But at one of those conversations one night, he told his daddy, he's like, you know what, Dad? I don't even believe in fucking God. I think you're all fucked. That motherfucker got up and started punching him so many times in the face in front of me. I almost fucking died. Good. Just bouncing his own kid. Teeth were missing and shit. People talk too much shit at the dinner table. Shut the fuck up.

• 49:04Theo Von?

  Especially kids. What the fuck?

• 49:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about?

• 49:08Theo Von?

  They don't know shit. Dude, my mom always had like this air of like this odd superiority of like, we would fuck like, she would like, we would go to the McDonald's, you know, once we get the chores done on Saturday, the big thing was we would get to go to McDonald's, right? So she would make us listen to Bryan Adams and Leonard Cohen and shit. And like, we fucking didn't even know what this shit was. And we're sitting there like, have I told you lately that I love you? I'm out there just fucking nose deep in a toilet bowl, fucking cleaning this bitch, cleaning whites. Bro, I was four years old, doing fucking whites and colors, bruh. And you know, because those are the two that I knew just from that neighborhood we lived in. But those are, you know, those are the loads I was responsible for, dude. Then she would take us to McDonald's, bro. But we kind of had this like pattern

• 49:52Theo Von?

  where we got to order. And then she would like, kind of shush us a little bit. And she would order a McFish. But like, it was like a, like it was on like a special menu. Like it was like, like an entree or something that they had there, you know? She kind of like, she always had this weird superiority. She's like, alright, now quiet down. And she's like, and I'll have a McFish. You know, like it was a fucking like, like these motherfuckers don't care. It's the same shit. It's just chicken that they fucking squirted some fish flavor on. It's fucking. But she always had like, I don't know, my mother always had this weird, ah.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  You're still tight with mom, right?

• 50:29Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's gotten better over the years, you know? And like you're saying, it's like these days, I'm just, I pray, my, my gratitude is, I'm just grateful my mother made me, right? It's like, I don't know what was going on in her life, but somehow, whatever it was, she found enough energy or love or whatever happened to at least make me, you know, like, and I got here. And the rest of it, it's like, yeah, it wasn't up to me early, but it's up to me now, you know? And so I can try my best. It's not always great. But, um, yeah, I got over some of like the old, like, I'm gonna like, hold stuff against you. Life was fucking tough. My mother, when she was growing up, like, her dad was kind of crazy. Her father was crazy. He would, for, at months at a time, he would, he wouldn't even use

• 51:12Theo Von?

  the front door. It was her and my grandmother, they would do, they were cleaning. My grandmother was a cleaning lady, so they would go clean houses. My mom would go with her sometimes. But my grandfather would stay in his own room. And then he would go in and out through the window. He wouldn't use the front door. We made him slide his food under the door over there. So something was obviously wrong with them. So I imagine like a little girl thinking like, man, my dad doesn't even want to see me or some, you know, who knows? Who knows what happened? But yeah, when you hear about people's lives and shit, it's like, fuck. People are trying their best, you know? And we had some good times. My mom would date some strange guys sometimes, or people were trying to come over and smash or whatever.

• 51:49Speaker 02

  How old were you? I'm sorry to interrupt. How old were you when your dad passed?

• 51:52Theo Von?

  Sixteen.

• 51:52Speaker 02

  Because we're in the same boat. We're nothing special.

• 51:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 51:55Speaker 02

  You know what I'm saying? We ain't something special. And how long did it take your mom to date again?

• 51:59Theo Von?

  Oh, she fucking was probably dating about four years before he died.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 52:06Theo Von?

  So it didn't take her that long, you know? But it was like, yeah, they just, you know, like, but dude, my dad was just fucking, dude. When I think back on it, bruh, it was kind of, bro, he'd, he'd pull up at the post office, there'd be no parking spots or whatever. And he couldn't see that good. So he'd ask us, is there any parking spots? I don't fucking know. You know, I'm a kid. I don't know what parking spot is, you know? So he'd be like, alright, you're getting pretty tall, you know? And he'd be like, I'm gonna run in here, drive around the block, dude, and this thing had no power steering. I would fucking take this fucking thing. I would have to extend my foot to get the gas to go down. Like, remember, extend my foot, like, push it long. Dude, I'd take this bitch around the block, I'd hit four or five cars, dude. Fucking boom, boom. And his car was so banged up, you couldn't

• 52:48Theo Von?

  take it, it had hit 2,000 cars. Every car in town had been hit, had been hit by his fucking car, dude. This motherfucker, bro. And I just keep going in a circle out there till he came out.

• 52:59Speaker 02

  How old were you?

• 53:00Theo Von?

  Uh, I was probably, I don't know, 12, probably.

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Now, weren't you the guy who told me that you used to sit on Yellow Pages? Was that you?

• 53:07Theo Von?

  When I was a kid, dude, we would-

• 53:09Speaker 02

  When you drive? I'm sorry. When you drove, you sat on Yellow Pages?

• 53:12Theo Von?

  I can't remember what we'd have in there.

• 53:13Speaker 02

  Somebody told me a story that they used to, the dad used to make them drive and sit on Yellow.

• 53:18Theo Von?

  But now the stories are, you know, it's like, yeah. But that's, some of this stuff is harro, as tough as it is or whatever. And people have tougher stuff, man. I mean, your life, I can't even imagine that.

• 53:26Speaker 02

  No.

• 53:27Theo Von?

  But it's like, the, you know, you just, you, you find these little things that make you a storyteller, that make you curious, that make you pay attention, I think. I was always paying attention, you know, like, somebody, there was a lady who would fucking come out in the evening by the, at the other apartment, and she would come out and fucking like, she'd have like a daiquiri, and she would be like, she, you know, just lay on her fucking car and ask me how her body looked and shit. And I'm out there, I'm fucking, I'm six years old, you know? Dude, we would put light shit in the ditch, like, you know, she fucking just be out there, how does my body look, you know? And I don't fucking know. And I would get up real close to her leg and like, look at it real close like that, you know? Like, I didn't know what the fuck I was looking for. I didn't know.

• 54:09Theo Von?

  I would get right up by her neck and shit and look at it. And I'd be like, yeah, it looks fine. Um.

• 54:16Speaker 03

  Welcome back, frickin' Frack.

• 54:18Theo Von?

  Welcome to the jungle.

• 54:20Speaker 03

  ABC Tonight. Abbott is back. It's gonna be the best year yet. Thank you. Now we can finally turn this up.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  And everyone's going wild. Y'all think you run this school, but you don't. It's going great. Abbott Elementary.

• 54:37Speaker 04

  Anything can happen in the jungle, right, guys?

• 54:40Speaker 03

  Season premiere tonight on ABC and stream next day on Hulu.

• 54:45Theo Von?

  Look, I work out, okay? I'm in there, I'll be honest, which I know my way around a barbell, okay? I know how to get to the second story of a Stairmaster. But I'll be honest, that sometimes it's easy to fall into a routine. The same four lifts every week, you just kind of get plateaued. And I'm on the road a lot, too. And sometimes it's hard to find a good gym nearby. And sometimes even any gym at all. So I want to recommend this app called Ladder. They set me up with a real coach. His name's Brian. And he's on Team Vitality. And his whole approach is, is built for exactly my situation when I'm on the go. You got dumbbells, body weight stuff, mobility, conditioning, nothing

• 55:28Theo Von?

  that needs a gym. I've done his workouts before in green rooms, um, in the back of the bus, anywhere. Think if it like having a personal trainer in your headphones. And it's less than a dollar a day. So if you're a guy who keeps telling yourself, you'll get back into it once your schedule calms down. Look, I've been right there with you. And it doesn't calm down. Go to ladder.fit/tpw and take the quiz. They'll match you with your own coach. You get a free seven day trial, no credit card, and 10 bucks off your first month if you join. That's ladder.fit/tpw. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

• 56:10Theo Von?

  If you could wake up tomorrow and do one thing better, what would that be? What would that be? Well, for me, it would be listening. I just want, sometimes I want to listen in a way that's, I don't know, I feel like you could master the art of it. I feel like, because it's a skill like anything else, maybe, just, you know, just, I want to be able to absorb things in a way where I'm not trying to do anything. I'm just trying to listen. And then maybe like the right question would just kind of light up inside of me, you know, like in my brain or in my, even in my heart first, it would just kind of spark up. Like a, like a little pilot light, you know? Or sometimes it wouldn't be a question, sometimes it wouldn't be a question at all. It would just be, hey, just

• 56:55Theo Von?

  stay listening, you know? So I think for me, that would be it. How could I listen better? And better is a feeling, you know, defined by you. And for BetterHelp, it's a BetterHelp therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. It's progress. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/theo. That's better H E L P dot com slash T H E O.

• 57:27Speaker 02

  It's so funny when we look at our lives and we think that we grew up fucked up. And in a way, we grew up with action in our lives. We shut it at that age. Like, there was a lot of action in my house.

• 57:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  We could go here for, we could sit here right now and go hours about what was going on in my house.

• 57:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 57:46Speaker 02

  At that age. And I dealt with it. It was something that was there. And I stayed away from some of it. I participated in some of it. But not in a bad way. Like, my mom and stepdad were part of two different fucking bookmaking operations. So that added, you know, pressure to the house. After she trained them all those years, he decides to partner up with somebody else. So there were just so many things towards the end. And I just lived my life around them. You know, I moved out of my house when I was in the sixth grade, right?

• 58:15Theo Von?

  Did you?

• 58:16Speaker 02

  When I left Catholic school, when I got thrown out of Catholic school, I went home. And there was just too much shit going on in my house.

• 58:22Theo Von?

  Dude.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  And I couldn't sleep at night. And I moved in with my friends in Union City and lived with them for the whole sixth grade year.

• 58:29Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 58:30Speaker 02

  I didn't like sleeping in my house.

• 58:31Theo Von?

  And you just made that choice yourself?

• 58:33Speaker 02

  Made it myself. My mom lived it because my mom's bar was three blocks from where I stopped staying. So I would leave school at three, go up north, go to karate or basketball practice, eat dinner at my mother's bar. On the way home, I'd get a bag of clothes. And I'd just fucking go there that night. I had some clothes there. Take a shower and walk to school from Union City instead of sleeping in North Bergen because I didn't like what was going on in my house.

• 58:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:00Speaker 02

  And there was nothing bad going on. But first of all, they both came in at three in the morning, talking shit.

• 59:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:07Speaker 02

  And then she'd cook an eight course meal at four in the morning and wake you up. I gotta get up at seven thirty in the fucking morning. Yeah, but I made steak, eggs, black beans, a lobster tail. It's fucking three thirty in the fucking morning. So it was just so many of those things I couldn't fucking handle in my house. And again, now you're looking and go, Joey, that's exciting. It's exciting for a few nights.

• 59:28Theo Von?

  Right.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  Because you come downstairs, my uncles would be there, half coked up. They each give me twenty bucks for school the next day. That was great.

• 59:35Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  But everything else, now I gotta sit there and listen to these fucking whys at four in the morning like it's two in the afternoon.

• 59:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:42Speaker 02

  And they would cook while they were coked up. Why are you cooking?

• 59:46Theo Von?

  That's just.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  The food would land and everybody would be looking at themselves at six in the morning. I'm like, the fuck is wrong with you retards? But that's the house I grew up in.

• 59:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 59:54Speaker 02

  That was the shit that was going on. And this is why I always, I'm very strong in my homes.

• 1:00:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:02Speaker 02

  Me and my, my wife's got that southern, you know, Tennessee shit. And both, there's no alcohol in my house. I mean, listen, if you come over, you wanna drink, I got beers downstairs.

• 1:00:11Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:00:11Speaker 02

  But there's no real alcoholic parties at my house. I don't want her to see alcohol on the fucking tables. That's just me.

• 1:00:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  Because that gives them the green light now to live like I did. Next thing you know, your daughter's eighteen and she's drinking like Burt. No, I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna fucking, you know, I don't want none in my house. I sleep, I smoke pot outside the house. I do everything I do inside the house. And when I walk in the house, I check myself. When I walked in to make sure I got no bad spirits on me, you know what I'm saying? So I walk into the house and it's normal. We live like an American family, as crazy as that is.

• 1:00:44Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:00:44Speaker 02

  People think I'm at home at night fucking watching porn. Nothing. I haven't watched porn since I was fucking thirteen. I go home and it's just a regular, normal, American fucking life.

• 1:00:55Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:00:56Speaker 02

  There's no butlers, there's no nannies.

• 1:00:58Theo Von?

  After all you've been through.

• 1:00:59Speaker 02

  Never had a nanny, never nothing. I don't want nobody in my fucking house.

• 1:01:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  Nobody. At night, when I go home, it's to relax. So there's never any pressure on my daughter. I wanted to make it a, a warm home for my daughter. I didn't grow up in a warm home.

• 1:01:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:16Speaker 02

  I grew up in a home where I, I get up to go to school, my mom would call him a fucking cunt in Spanish. And I don't need that in my life. My daughter doesn't need that in my life. So that's why I strive so hard to have a clean home. I keep everything out of my home. I mean, I got weed there, I got pizzas, I got shit, but it's a, it's a clean home.

• 1:01:34Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:35Speaker 02

  You know? And I take pride in that.

• 1:01:37Theo Von?

  Amen. Yeah, I think creating what you couldn't have too.

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  That's what it is.

• 1:01:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  That's what it is. Because you, you knew you loved your mom and you knew they worked hard. But that was not how you chose to live anymore. I'd rather live a different fucking way. And that's exactly, you know, I didn't want alcohol. It used to bother me to get up and there'd be beer bottles in my house. Nothing bothered me more than that.

• 1:02:00Theo Von?

  Oh, that's gross.

• 1:02:00Speaker 02

  And they put a cigarette in that beer bottle and by mistake, you knock one of those beer bottles over and that shit goes into your furniture. You never get the stink out of nicotine beer out of your fucking shit. So I've owed as much of a coke head as I was and all that shit. There were nights I did coke and wouldn't drink. I would never drink.

• 1:02:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  Cause I didn't want them to spill. I'd rather snort this bitch, you know what I'm saying?

• 1:02:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. I remember my bike seat would always get fucking stolen or whatever. Some dude was using it for something or whatever. And so a lot of times I'd go out in the morning, my bike seat would be gone. So I'd still ride my bike, but I have to ride standing up the whole way. You know, just little shit like that that was like, but every time you just take it in your own head and just kind of move it along, you know? But I'd do four mile ride, just fucking, cause I didn't want people seeing me get off of the bus with the, like, the real poor kids. Cause it was like embarrassing to me. And shit was already embarrassing enough, I felt like. So it was like. But it's interesting, the way you kind of like manage stuff as a kid. And once you start having to kind of manage shit, that's when life kind of gets different, I think, for some kids. When you, they gotta start kind of man, when things are some sort of way where it's uncomfortable and they gotta start managing a little too early.

• 1:03:06Theo Von?

  That's when it's, I feel like it's different. But, but yeah, dude, we had some fucking times, man. We, oh, dude, did you ever take Greyhound to go up to the shows or whatever? How was it up here?

• 1:03:20Speaker 02

  What do you mean Greyhound?

• 1:03:20Theo Von?

  Greyhound bus?

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:22Theo Von?

  Or Peter Pan? You ever take one of them?

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  No, just Greyhound.

• 1:03:24Theo Von?

  Greyhound, bro.

• 1:03:26Speaker 02

  I used to take Greyhounds when I was a feature act.

• 1:03:28Theo Von?

  Yeah. Oh, dude, when, early on, I would be taking some Greyhounds sometimes, dude. Bro, we had this one stop, it was over by like Hammond, right? And they had some dude, he would always, they called him the Hammond slurper, right? This dude would get out and he was just a gay dude, or he pretended like he wasn't gay or whatever, but he was really being gay. But he would be like, you know, hey, guys, if anybody wants it here in Hammond, he would just make an announcement. I was like, you know, like, I'm giving it out, you know? And everybody would be just sitting there like, fucking, who's gonna get up? You know, who's like winning the gay lottery or whatever? And every now and then, you'd see some dude like, I'm gonna step out to smoke or something, and somebody go follow him over there. And he was blowing dudes over there and Hammond over there, Hammond, Louisiana.

• 1:04:10Theo Von?

  Where the blowjob is always wet, brother, because of the humidity anyway, you know? You fucking just put your wiener in the air and you feel like something's sucking on it. It's just that kind of area over there. But yeah, Greyhound, I'm trying to think, bring up anything on Greyhound. You got any crazy stuff? Some of the stuff that's happened on Greyhound, I used to get on Greyhound Twitter feed, right? This is what I used to do. I would get on there, because they have a bus help. It's at, it's at Greyhound Bus Help or something. And I, people would be like, look, we pulled over here off the L I E, this motherfucker's on fire, right? Somebody's calling somebody's four year old a f*** or whatever. And I would be like, I would just reply from my personal Twitter. I'd be like, don't got, don't you worry, guys, we'll be right there, right, these motherfuckers. What do we have here?

• 1:04:53Theo Von?

  Here we go. Here's one right here. The dude on the, the dude on the left is doing knife hits of meth on a Greyhound bus. Both, both are arguing constantly. Oh yeah, that's hound, baby. That's hound, dude.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  So that's, that's enabled where you would take the bus at?

• 1:05:10Theo Von?

  No, this is just random people talking about stuff on Greyhound. During reloading in Tallahassee, the driver left me at the station and, and most of my luggage was in the bus number eight, six, eight, four, six, heading to Jacksonville. It passed now, then twenty four hours, I reported about it. No feedback still.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  Same shit here. My silver luggage was stolen on eight twenty two from my way to Buffalo. I made a claim and they didn't do shit. Tell me to wait for what? Yeah, you're done. You lose anything on Greyhound. There's no customer service.

• 1:05:41Theo Von?

  Bro, they motherfuckers, they won't give you a hug. They won't even give you a fucking hug.

• 1:05:46Speaker 02

  That's a cold way to travel, but when you're making four hundred dollars for fucking eighteen shows and you wanna snort coke and have a good time, you gotta cut back at some different divisions.

• 1:05:56Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  And that's why, I used to take the L A bus to El Paso, Texas.

• 1:06:00Theo Von?

  Nah.

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  As a feature act, and then he started headlining. He didn't pay much, so I would take the fucking Monday night express, eleven forty five. Got you to El Paso at one o'clock the next day.

• 1:06:12Theo Von?

  Nah.

• 1:06:13Speaker 02

  You were on that bus overnight.

• 1:06:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:16Speaker 02

  But the express only made a few stops.

• 1:06:19Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:20Speaker 02

  But fucking, I was on that thing one time and the heat broke and there was like twenty Asians going to Texas. And after about two hours, that bus started kicking. Not that the Asians were dirty, I'm not saying that.

• 1:06:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:31Speaker 02

  But it was hot and the bodies sweat. That whole bus smelled like a Ying Ying fucking factory.

• 1:06:35Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  I was not, I was on, and then they had great coke and, and whatever. So my first time ever in El Paso, I'm about to leave Saturday night. I just got paid. And some guy's like, hey, man, you wanna do a bump? And he gave me two. And I looked at him, I go, you know, I could buy some. He goes, no, just take the rest out of this. It was like four grams of coke he gave me.

• 1:06:53Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:06:53Speaker 02

  And I'll never forget, the next day, I got, I didn't do it all that night. I go, I'm gonna save some to take back.

• 1:06:58Theo Von?

  How did you save some?

• 1:07:00Speaker 02

  Listen to the fucking story.

• 1:07:01Theo Von?

  Yes, sir.

• 1:07:02Speaker 02

  Something made me pass out. I woke up the next day, got a, you know, got the three grams, whatever was in there, put it in my pocket, got on the bus. Take off. I'm happy as shit. I took it on the back of my pocket. I do two bumps. I'm ready to sit there for eleven hours, doing little bumps. And all of a sudden, the bus gets pulled over by three fucking immigration cops and with dogs and shit. I'm dead. So I did the best possible thing. I took the fucking grams out and I snorted it in one fucking swipe. Grounded it up, threw it in the bathroom, washed my hands. He's like, get to your seat. My hands were washed. There was no coke on me, but now I had to deal with the fucking three gram wine I did. All of a sudden, I couldn't catch my wind and shit. And then I just started sweating.

• 1:07:45Speaker 02

  Bro, by the time they got there with the dog, the dog was barking at me from a distance. You know, like, whoop, whoop, because it was coming out immediately. I'm sitting there, three hundred ninety pounds, fucking sweating cocaine juice. Malala, Malanga juice and God knows what else was coming out of me. That was not a pleasant experience. Another time, I was on one going to Buffalo and I started a conversation with the girl. I didn't even say nothing. She started telling me out. She's a stripper and she got an S T D in Buffalo, so.

• 1:08:16Theo Von?

  It's not that girl who's p***ing hum up, like a Christmas carol or whatever, is that that girl?

• 1:08:20Speaker 02

  This is a chick on a Greyhound. That'd have been better. And even if she did, what, how do you get to humming a Christmas carol where you're pussy? That's a completely different conversation. Usually that involves money and cocaine before you get to be that open.

• 1:08:31Theo Von?

  I didn't know if it was a different, same girl.

• 1:08:33Speaker 02

  No, no. And she's telling me that if you go to the doctor and they prescribe something, it goes on your.

• 1:08:42Speaker 02

  Stripping license or whatever. So it goes on a report and they won't let you dance until you go back to the doctor. And she's like, I got three kids. I gotta dance. So she was going from like Buffalo to Syracuse before the paperwork shot over, just so she could get a couple of wiggles and get paid before the fucking, everybody knew she had V D. This is the kind of people you meet on the bus, which makes it entertaining.

• 1:09:06Theo Von?

  All the best.

• 1:09:06Speaker 02

  And it's part of comedy. It's part of the fucking gig.

• 1:09:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:10Speaker 02

  You know, think about it. You, you might go to a gig now and take a private plane. It's great. We've earned it. But at the same time, look at how we used to take a bus and be just fine. And get there with a story and as a comic, we base our lives on stories. It's before I even go on my material, I, I took a bus here today. I got an hour of material of what I saw. People having sex. I saw this fat couple fucking in the back. He got stuck. They started yelling, shit like that.

• 1:09:39Theo Von?

  Yeah, for safety or whatever. Yeah.

• 1:09:41Speaker 02

  Makes you think getting on a Greyhound, you could fuck and I mean, what, where's your mentality? You wanna fuck somebody, fuck them in first class or in the bathroom on a plane. But the

• 1:09:49Theo Von?

  I fucked on a Greyhound before, man.

• 1:09:51Speaker 02

  You did?

• 1:09:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:52Speaker 02

  Oh, my God.

• 1:09:53Theo Von?

  I did.

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  You're a hell of a Christian. You're a better Christian than I am.

• 1:09:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, dude. And I don't even know if I wanted to, but I think

• 1:10:02Speaker 02

  You just met her?

• 1:10:02Theo Von?

  Huh? No, it was a girl I knew.

• 1:10:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:10:05Theo Von?

  We were riding.

• 1:10:05Speaker 02

  No condom, fuck it.

• 1:10:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:07Speaker 02

  She's going from point A to point B. You're going off some two strangers.

• 1:10:13Theo Von?

  They didn't have any condoms on the bus. I remember even asking the driver and it was at night and he's like, I told him straight up. I was like, I'm trying to make out with my lady back here. And he's like, well, I'll drive real slow if you break me off an extra forty dollars. So I fucking hooked him up and he drove like, he probably drove twenty five on the interstate. Almost like a romantic sort of thing in a way. Cause you don't get to go that slow on the interstate. I mean, this was back when a miles per hour was probably fifty five. But he put the flashing lights on and shit. I felt like a fucking, like a president or something. I felt like I was traveling to heaven. But yeah, she was like sitting on my lap or whatever, making love back there. But yeah, I remember that dude. Greyhound, they'd always have something. It would be like some dude set his dick on fire or whatever, or two dudes were looking for somebody's dick, or it was always the

• 1:10:58Theo Von?

  stuff that happened on there was crazy. One time I'm on there, a guy's like, he said, hey, you wanna see something, right? And I thought it was gonna be, um, his wiener or whatever. He opens his bag up and it's just a jewel, it's just a bag of jewelry, right? Like he just robbed a jewelry store. Then he picks the bag up and hands it to me to look in it. When he does that, under the bag, got his wiener out. So I lost, you know, or he won or whatever. I don't know what it was. But, um,

• 1:11:30Speaker 02

  If you were to stop comedy tomorrow.

• 1:11:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:33Speaker 02

  Just disappear. What would be the memories that you missed the most about doing comedy?

• 1:11:41Theo Von?

  Going up at the, on the original room, for sure.

• 1:11:45Speaker 02

  Me too.

• 1:11:48Theo Von?

  And also bringing somebody up. There's something also special fun about bringing somebody up. And I think also just watching comedy in the original room.

• 1:11:55Speaker 02

  Me too. That's one of the things I miss about getting high, sitting in the back.

• 1:11:59Theo Von?

  Sitting in the back.

• 1:12:00Speaker 02

  Watching comedy. But I mean, like,

• 1:12:03Theo Von?

  This is about life?

• 1:12:03Speaker 02

  If I was your son and I came to you and said, Dad, I'm twenty one. I know you've earned money and you want me to go to Notre Dame, but Dad, I wanna follow in your footsteps, you know, and you at first you'd be a little upset, you know, can we do this later? I don't want your mom to hear this shit, you know? And then eventually you gotta deal with it. And in the process of dealing, you have to think of what you went through. The hotels, the buses, the people not paying you and all this shit. And I gotta be honest with you, including my jail sentence, the first ten years of comedy and everything else that's happened the last forty years, I would do it all over again.

• 1:12:43Speaker 02

  I would do it all over again. It was well worth it. The ride, the education that I got of being a comic is world renowned education. The shit we, we've seen.

• 1:12:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:54Speaker 02

  On those trips and they lose your luggage or plane rides or who's on the plane with you. And I think I missed the struggle. I miss struggling. That's, that's who gets your dick hard the next day.

• 1:13:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  I still don't like it easy. I gotta struggle a little bit. There's something that's out there that I want a piece of. And I'm gonna do whatever I can to get it. I'm just making up an imaginary scenario here. But that's, that's what I enjoyed about living in L A. That every day I could hit the lottery.

• 1:13:24Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:25Speaker 02

  You know, you, you try to motivate people and speak to people. They understand what you're saying, but not really because they hadn't had it happen close to you.

• 1:13:36Theo Von?

  Proving myself, I think. That's one thing that I love.

• 1:13:38Speaker 02

  You know, I think about somebody like Ralphie May. I used to remember me and Ralphie going to ShopRite and shoplifting turkeys and shoplifting co-cots and doing all this crazy shit. And all of a sudden, one day later, he's living on Wilshire Boulevard in a fucking penthouse and he's got a coffee table with three pounds of weed on the coffee table of three different weeds.

• 1:14:01Theo Von?

  That's nice.

• 1:14:02Speaker 02

  See, when you see that, you go, okay, that's what I want for myself. And if he did it, I could do it. Okay, that's what it's opening the door for somebody else. Like, I'm trying to get this guy on a podcast that I've been a fan of since I was in the eighth grade because he changed my whole life. He played for North Carolina and he started as a freshman. White dude, Irish kid, six foot seven. And I still remember turning the TV on for the final game and them going from Jersey City, New Jersey, Michael Corren and me going, that dude is a freshman and he started at North Carolina.

• 1:14:40Theo Von?

  He's doing it.

• 1:14:41Speaker 02

  White.

• 1:14:42Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:14:42Speaker 02

  If he could do it, I have a chance to get the fuck out of here. Maybe not as a star like him, but it let me know that there's more beyond Jersey City and your neighborhoods or, you know, more than some of Louisiana, not putting Louisiana down.

• 1:14:57Theo Von?

  No, but yeah.

• 1:14:57Speaker 02

  I'm just saying the back of your mind, you're like, there's something bigger out there. And if he went out there and got it, I'm gonna go out there and get it.

• 1:15:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:04Speaker 02

  That hit home for me and it still does. I think about Michael Corren once a month.

• 1:15:08Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:15:08Speaker 02

  Because I knew the door he opened for me mentally. He opened this door mentally without ever knowing.

• 1:15:14Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:14Speaker 02

  I wanna get him on the podcast to thank him to his fucking face.

• 1:15:17Theo Von?

  Michael Corren?

• 1:15:18Speaker 02

  Michael Corren. They even did a write up about his mother in Sport Magazine. Cause it was Rosie, her name, another Irish mom. And she was a waitress raising this single, you know, she was a single mom.

• 1:15:30Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. This motherfucker started as a fucking freshman. In the semifinals, he had thirty three points of the final four.

• 1:15:41Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:15:42Speaker 02

  He busted out thirty three points. Then as a freshman, they ended up losing to Marquette. But that didn't matter to me. The fact that he was a kid from my fucking neighborhood.

• 1:15:52Theo Von?

  That was doing something.

• 1:15:53Speaker 02

  That was doing something. Just let me know. I could fucking do this.

• 1:15:57Theo Von?

  Amen.

• 1:15:57Speaker 02

  Not being a millionaire, not doing a, being a big time comic. Just doing something. Letting me know.

• 1:16:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:16:03Speaker 02

  You know, look where you're from in Louisiana. There was, there was a big time football player from there. That's you.

• 1:16:09Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, we had.

• 1:16:10Speaker 02

  And you had him. And you had him. So let you know that you have a fucking little bit of a chance.

• 1:16:15Theo Von?

  Something's possible. Yeah, we had a Nilo Sylvan was this dude who like, who lived like right, he lived in a neighborhood right around from us. He lived over in the ozone and he was like, he had like the Letterman jacket and he played football. And I think he went to play University of Tennessee. Look him up if you can. Nilo Sylvan. American former professional football player. Oh, he played for the Buccaneers. That's who it was. Um, and where was he from? Look at, can you click on his Wiki?

• 1:16:45Theo Von?

  From Covington, Louisiana, right there.

• 1:16:47Speaker 02

  That's where you're from? Covington?

• 1:16:48Theo Von?

  Yeah. And so, man, it just, yeah, and he played college at University of Tennessee, dude. So, uh, so, yeah, there was something and when you saw him, it seemed like, oh, man, I, something, there's something possible. There's something possible out there.

• 1:17:03Speaker 02

  I could do something.

• 1:17:04Theo Von?

  I could do something.

• 1:17:04Speaker 02

  I could be a water boy.

• 1:17:05Theo Von?

  And Pistol Pete Maravich lived in our town. So that was like a big deal.

• 1:17:09Speaker 02

  Well, you always gotta get me started on Pistol Pete. You know, that's my idol, dog.

• 1:17:14Theo Von?

  He lived over there off of Jenky. Oh dude, I got a pair of socks. I gotta send you some Pistol Pete socks. I bought them years ago. Never took them out the package. They're nice.

• 1:17:21Speaker 02

  They're designed like, uh,

• 1:17:22Theo Von?

  They're nice. They're just like a nice pair.

• 1:17:24Speaker 02

  Oh, he wore them?

• 1:17:25Theo Von?

  Oh, no.

• 1:17:26Speaker 02

  Cause I'd sniff them if he wore them. That was my dog.

• 1:17:28Theo Von?

  Oh, fuck it, bro. I let my wiener sleep in when I'm at night. You know what I'm saying, bro?

• 1:17:33Speaker 02

  So how close did Pistol Pete graduate from you? I'm sorry.

• 1:17:37Theo Von?

  No, he grew, but his two sons grew up in our town. So he, uh, his ex-wife lived there. He had gotten a divorce or he passed, he passed away.

• 1:17:44Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:17:45Theo Von?

  But, uh, they had a half court in the bat, in the top of their house. So I remember we'd walk around and they had this house and we just kind of ridiculously shaped and he just, he was a different dude. He built a half court in, in his attic, but it was like a real half court. Like it was, the attic was just a unique looking house. And so things like that were always interesting. And then Lee Harvey Oswald went to our middle school. And so it was like shit like that. It was like, I could be a fuck, you know, I could

• 1:18:11Speaker 02

  I could shoot the president.

• 1:18:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, something, bro. I mean, you just, but little things, it didn't even matter. I don't care if Dracula went to our fucking kindergarten. It was like, something could have happened, right? And there was like a lore in the air. That was another thing. It put lore in the air. One of my favorite stories, um, that I tell people all the time now about you that I just even learned like two years ago was when, uh, was that James J. Braddock that y'all used to go shovel snow in his driveway?

• 1:18:39Speaker 02

  How crazy is that?

• 1:18:40Theo Von?

  Dude, that's like, did that Cinderella man is my favorite. I remember when Poirier fought over there in Jersey. I went and prayed at the statue before I went over there, dude. Cause I was like, this is it. Cause he's kind of like, you know, he's my Braddock. He's a lot of people's Braddock in a way. But when you told me that story that he would break you guys off a couple bucks to shovel snow in his driveway.

• 1:18:59Speaker 02

  That's crazy.

• 1:18:59Theo Von?

  And he was just a regular guy in the neighborhood.

• 1:19:01Speaker 02

  Just a regular guy and he had kids in the neighborhood and they became cops and shit like that. It just went and went and went.

• 1:19:07Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:08Speaker 02

  I didn't know about the, um, how big James J. Braddock was when I was growing up. It was too late. I was ten, maybe eleven, twelve. And they told me that he was a famous boxer and shit.

• 1:19:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:23Speaker 02

  I told my mother, my mother said he was good, whatever the fuck.

• 1:19:26Theo Von?

  He was good.

• 1:19:27Speaker 02

  That was it. Yeah. He was good. She liked him and some shit. She saw him fight at some fucking thing. Cause my mom would go to the Garden to watch fights. She went to Mom Ali Frazier at the Garden. I still remember being fucking crying and shit. She left me with a baby so that I was all broken. That's why I tried to get the babysitter to suck my dick for twenty bucks. And she took my twenty bucks in quarters and blew on my stomach. I was gonna kill this bitch. I worked hard to get those twenty dollars in quarters.

• 1:19:55Theo Von?

  Oh, at that age, for sure, dude. How could you even?

• 1:19:58Speaker 02

  I was, and then the next morning, my mom used to wake up with me and make me like the pseudo oatmeal. And then she'd have to give me, uh,

• 1:20:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, we grew up in a Cuban house. I have to drink orange juice with not.

• 1:20:13Theo Von?

  The quartata in it or something?

• 1:20:15Speaker 02

  Quartata. This shit, some oil seed, something like fish oil.

• 1:20:24Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:20:24Speaker 02

  I forget. It's still around. Now they got it in different flavors. It must taste worse. But for three years, my mom would give me that. Three or four years, every morning, you puked it up. She didn't give a fuck. You're not going to school till you drink this, because I was a secondary kid.

• 1:20:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:38Speaker 02

  And I still remember her pouring the thing from like, Ma, I gotta talk to you. She had just woken up. She was probably hungover. And I'm like, Ma, I gotta talk to you. Tita, I gave Tita twenty bucks to suck my dick last night. And she didn't suck my dick. And my mom's looking at me like,

• 1:20:55Speaker 02

  what the fuck are you talking about?

• 1:20:57Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's unfair.

• 1:20:58Speaker 02

  I gave twenty bucks, Mom. And if I don't get my money back, I'm gonna fucking kill her. I want my fucking money back, Mom. I'm gonna go in there and stab her right now. I was a kid, so twenty dollars to me was a lot of money. I was pissed.

• 1:21:09Theo Von?

  That's a year's salary.

• 1:21:10Speaker 02

  I still remember being fucking pissed about. She just, but I remember I got all fired up. I took a shower.

• 1:21:16Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:16Speaker 02

  I put VO5 in my hair. I put a gold chain on.

• 1:21:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:20Speaker 02

  And I just sat in my little room, my little dick on. I thought she was coming in to suck it. No. So I told my mom, I go, I want my fucking money. So my mom goes, enough, enough, enough. I'll give you the twenty dollars. Just don't let this this happen again. And she goes, can I ask you something? She goes, let me ask you something.

• 1:21:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:37Speaker 02

  I have a bar. There's always a bunch of hookers there. You think they'd suck your little dick for twenty fucking dollars? It's usually a hundred dollars. So when she told me, I'm like, what the fuck? A hundred dollars for a blowjob at my mom's bar?

• 1:21:52Theo Von?

  Oh, dude. My mom, I don't know if she was blowing people or not. I can't even remember. I'm trying to think. She dated, though, I remember, dude. And whoever she would date, I'd always have, we'd have to be. She dated one guy who gave us tickets to a football game. My brother and I went. And a scalp or fucking the dude, some undercover cops, you know, offered to buy them from us. And then they tried to arrest us for scalping our tickets. And they're like, you guys are trying to scalp, you know, sell. I'm like, but you're, we didn't know. You asked to buy, you know, just fucking. We had another, my mom dated this guy, Donnie Ferrari. I used to, I worked as like a, um, they had to do this whole door to door Italian food. He had a little wagon. He'd go around and just sell it, sell in Italian. And I worked as his apprentice. My mom was kinda, I think they were dating in hindsight for a bit.

• 1:22:35Speaker 02

  No, this is after your dad passed.

• 1:22:37Theo Von?

  No, no, no. This is before.

• 1:22:39Speaker 02

  He was still alive.

• 1:22:39Theo Von?

  Because they'd been separated for a while.

• 1:22:41Speaker 02

  Right, okay.

• 1:22:41Theo Von?

  So they got separated. But yeah, my mom was, she was, uh.

• 1:22:45Speaker 02

  I thought your mom said, listen, honey, I love you, but the dick don't work no more.

• 1:22:48Theo Von?

  Oh, I think.

• 1:22:49Speaker 02

  I gotta go out and get mine. You know what I'm saying? I gotta go out and get mine. I've been a mom. I raised these motherfuckers. I gotta go suck something.

• 1:22:56Theo Von?

  Dude, well, my mom dated, my mom dated this one dude. And he would take us just to the continental breakfast at a motel. And we'd go sit in there and eat, dude. We didn't even stay there, bro.

• 1:23:07Speaker 02

  You were eating an apple for breakfast.

• 1:23:09Theo Von?

  We'd get all dressed up and go eat there, dude. He wore like a cowboy hat. We didn't fucking know. He would take us into the fucking Holiday Inn over there. And we'd sneak in off the side and just go fucking eat in there. But, uh, what else happened? Yeah, but she dated this guy, Donnie Ferrari. And he had like this, um, it was like that, you know, just Italian. I was his apprentice when I was probably nine or something. We're selling fucking Stromboli's door to door and shit. We had a little wagon. He had a little wagon. And we'd pull up. And dude, he was, but he was trying to smash all these women. And I finally caught on, like, this dude's supposed to be talking to my mother, but he's out here. And I'd be waiting there, fucking, they'd have a couple of buns and burners. I'm fucking there warming up a little tray of fucking, um, you know, uh,

• 1:23:51Theo Von?

  Manicotti's or whatever. And he's in there massaging the lady's shoulders in the kitchen and shit. Like, it was always some bullshit, you know? But that was pretty fun. That's back when they had like the Schwanz truck, the different food trucks would come through the neighborhood. And you could buy the food directly off of some guy, you know?

• 1:24:07Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:24:07Theo Von?

  But yeah, we sold door to door Italian for a while. And I wasn't bad at it. It was just so fucking hot, dude. You're lugging thirty five pounds of fucking Manicotti down.

• 1:24:18Speaker 02

  On a bike?

• 1:24:19Theo Von?

  No, walking. We'd walk in the, and then put it in his van and then drive it. Fuck.

• 1:24:25Speaker 02

  How were you when you left home?

• 1:24:27Theo Von?

  When I left home, I was thirteen, man. I went and lived with friends.

• 1:24:30Speaker 02

  Okay. And then how long till you left that area? How old were you when you left that area and said?

• 1:24:34Theo Von?

  I went and lived with my mom, because then she moved out to Arizona. I went and lived with her for one semester out there. And then I moved back for my senior year of school. And that was fun, dude. That was so much fun. I was so lucky to be from Louisiana, bro. Just fun. People storytelling, bro. Did his people telling stories and his weird shit happening, dude. I remember the first time I got a little bit of cocaine, you know?

• 1:24:54Speaker 02

  Cocaine?

• 1:24:55Theo Von?

  Oh, God. Oh.

• 1:24:57Speaker 02

  Down there?

• 1:24:58Theo Von?

  Yeah. And it's wet. It's always fucking wet, you know? The top half inch is fucking, you know, it's the only, it's like, comes with a head on it, you know?

• 1:25:06Speaker 02

  It's like Mike, it's like, I see Mike's head, dude.

• 1:25:09Theo Von?

  Yeah, it's like, yeah.

• 1:25:12Theo Von?

  Yeah, it comes with a fucking head on it, dude. But I bought some cocaine. And I thought it was a performance enhancer, like a creatine or something. So I'm fucking snoring this shit. I ran eight miles out there on the railroad tracks, dude. And I didn't miss a fucking, you know, you go on railroad tracks. You're like, boom, those, the things going across the wooden. I didn't miss a one, boy. I fucking was cruising.

• 1:25:31Speaker 02

  How old were you the first time you did cocaine?

• 1:25:34Theo Von?

  Probably right then. Uh, it probably was about fourteen or something.

• 1:25:39Speaker 02

  Oh, Jesus. You beat me by a fucking year and a half.

• 1:25:43Theo Von?

  Really? Fuck, yeah. But like one eyed dude, this one eyed dude, he would ride a bike to work. And he would, uh, and I'd give him some of my tip money. And he would do a little bit of cocaine. He had two eyes when I met him. And then when I re met him, he only had one eye.

• 1:25:59Speaker 02

  The coke was good.

• 1:26:01Theo Von?

  Something was good, dude.

• 1:26:02Speaker 02

  That shit was banging, Jack. It was an eye.

• 1:26:04Theo Von?

  His eye left town with some of it, you know? That shit was fucking good. But yeah, it was, I'm trying to think of something else. Oh, from growing up, dude, we had like a job that one of my first jobs was, uh, we had this one dude named Fozzy who had this fish finder service. And it was like, he had this thing, like a fish. You remember there was like one to a hundred numbers you could call to get like a tarot reading or whatever, like Miss Cleo or whatever? Well, this dude had one, and it was a fish finder. He would call, you, you could call this service. And they would tell you where the fish in the state where you, where you could fish, right? So it was like, we got the bet, you know, like Lake Borregas got the fish, right? Or Chafunkta, you got them in a Chafunkta today. They got, you know, they got tarpon out there on, you know, in South La Fush. Or like, you know, they got, um, you know, they got brim off of Pecan Island or something like that. He would.

• 1:26:49Theo Von?

  So you, people would call this number and pay a fee to talk to him. And he would tell him where the good fishing was for that day. And so I worked over there at the little call center over there. And you would just answer calls. And you had to keep him on the line while he was waiting with the person he was already talking to. Because the guy lived in our area. So that was pretty crazy, dude. You just bullshit with these motherfuckers who were, who were trying to get like a hot read on some bass or whatever, you know? So, but even just shit like that, you get into it. And then like, life becomes like this sort of thing that's like, all right, you know, this is interesting. And then I think God just blesses you with different characters that come by. We had a guy at work, I've heard this story before, but he would deliver pizzas and, um, we'd make up fake, fake.

• 1:27:32Theo Von?

  He'd never watched any pop culture. He'd never watched movies or anything. He was like a born again Christian. Or like reborn again, or whatever it's called, unborn or whatever, fucking twice baked or whatever for Christ or whatever. He was just like a little potato skin for the Lord, this guy, you know? So he, he, but we would call, he was a manager at the pizza joint. So we'd, we'd make up fake pizza orders, you know, we'd make up a, you know, a pizza order for like, uh, you know, it could be anybody. It could be fucking Wesley Snipes, right? Like four miles away, wanted six pizzas. So we'd make the pizzas. He'd go take, he had no idea, never heard of Wesley Snipes. He never owned a television, anything like that. He was always at church. So he'd go deliver, he'd go out there, we'd get drunk while he was calling. This motherfucker would come back.

• 1:28:14Theo Von?

  He was always wearing like a Heathcliff t-shirt. Remember Heathcliff, that cartoon? He was always wearing. It said like Heathcliff loves Christ or whatever on it. And he was always wearing that bitch. And he'd come back and we would fucking be leaning on the brooms, just bent out of our minds, bro. And but when he'd get back, it was almost like he was bringing the pizzas back for us, because we'd forgot he, we'd even sent him out there. We drank so much draft beer while he was gone. And the pizzas were still good enough, you know, to eat. We're like, fuck, yeah, we got pizzas. And we'd cheer him on when he got back. We're all excited. This motherfucker just, whatever money the business was gonna make for the day was just gone, bro. And these pizzas was wet in the middle, bro. And I'll say that till I die, bro. The pizzas that they sold were wet in the middle. And that shit was a turn off to me.

• 1:28:59Speaker 02

  Interesting, you fuck. That's pretty interesting shit.

• 1:29:02Theo Von?

  It was just interesting shit, you know? It was entertaining enough, you know? Um, I heard that you were gonna be spending time down in Austin, man. So am I.

• 1:29:12Speaker 02

  I had to do it. I had to do it. Just the mathematics is better for me.

• 1:29:17Theo Von?

  The stage time?

• 1:29:18Speaker 02

  The stage time.

• 1:29:19Theo Von?

  Yeah, same.

• 1:29:22Speaker 02

  Like I said to you, Central Jersey is very nice. I'm out of the city an hour. But where I live and my situation now, comedy's rough some nights, you know? And I find myself maintaining but not improving. Okay?

• 1:29:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:37Speaker 02

  I don't want to maintain. I gotta, and for me, I know this from day one. For me to get anywhere, I gotta do a couple of spots multiple nights.

• 1:29:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:45Speaker 02

  So I started going down there, you know, when the Austin boom came, that wasn't for me. I'm not that, I didn't need that that bad. I had already purchased a house here and I wanted to, to establish myself here. So Austin was nice. I always enjoyed myself there. But I wasn't gonna just pick up and move because everybody else was doing it.

• 1:30:05Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:06Speaker 02

  And bring my daughter. And then over the years, I started going twice a year. And I started going three times a year. And four times a year. You miss tacos, you go back down there again. And I noticed that ever since like last November, I started going down there once a month. And it was always the same thing. Tuesday, leave Friday, get there Tuesday morning, do three spots Tuesday, three Wednesday, three Thursday, and get on a plane. But then I come back here for three weeks. I do another one a week. So I was like, this is just.

• 1:30:37Theo Von?

  It's not enough.

• 1:30:38Speaker 02

  It wasn't enough. And I just started making friends. And then, you know, I've been friends with Carly for I don't know how long. And as a friend, she's like, have you ever considered playing GTA? And I'm like, no, but I never played a video game in my life. I was always too busy stealing.

• 1:30:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:54Speaker 02

  I don't have time for fucking games.

• 1:30:55Theo Von?

  That's what the game is.

• 1:30:56Speaker 02

  That's what the game is about. So.

• 1:30:58Theo Von?

  You're streaming now?

• 1:30:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, I stream twice a week.

• 1:31:01Theo Von?

  Bro, I didn't even know that.

• 1:31:02Speaker 02

  Grand Theft Auto, whenever you want to come on, it'd be fucking dog. It is a blast. It is a fucking blast. I'm an old man. I get it. I know. Don't you have a life?

• 1:31:12Theo Von?

  I don't think so.

• 1:31:13Speaker 02

  No, no, who cares?

• 1:31:15Theo Von?

  The game wouldn't exist if you hadn't have lived your life.

• 1:31:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, you're right.

• 1:31:18Theo Von?

  Fucking, you're copyright.

• 1:31:19Speaker 02

  I'm over there running over people, robbing liquor stores, shooting people. It, look, yeah, this is, I'm trying.

• 1:31:29Theo Von?

  Oh my god.

• 1:31:32Speaker 02

  I just started shooting motherfuckers.

• 1:31:39Theo Von?

  Bro, that's awesome.

• 1:31:40Speaker 02

  I just blew a guy up, bro. With the fucking.

• 1:31:45Theo Von?

  Can they do blowjob? Can you get a blowjob in this?

• 1:31:48Speaker 02

  I think you get a blowjob at the strip club, but then Twitch will ban you.

• 1:31:52Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:31:53Speaker 02

  Right? Twitch will ban you if you get a blowjob at a strip club. Listen, I didn't know what I was doing. These guys taught me how to do it from scratch.

• 1:32:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:32:01Speaker 02

  And I go on there like tonight I might go on there, but maybe not because Carly can't stream tonight. Maybe I'll go on there Sunday nights. The other night I got out at one in the morning. I went out to do comedy and podcast and I got back. Carly was streaming. We have another friend. We have three of us, Pedro.

• 1:32:18Theo Von?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:32:19Speaker 02

  And we fucking go off on that, man. I eat a few edibles. I smoke some dope. I put my little earphones on. I got music. Everybody's sleeping. I got my little office in the back to play it. And if this is what I'm doing now, this is what I'm doing.

• 1:32:34Theo Von?

  Dude, it's how the times are. There's not, some people they can't, there's not even a lot of jobs out there. You can't grow a crop. You grow a fucking, you grow a pumpkin or whatever. It's goddamn, uh, you know, it's got metals in the middle of it and shit. Everything's got a, you know? Things are so messed up now. You got a cornfield, but half of the corn's got fucking Velcro on it, growing out of it and shit. Like everything is just merged out. It's like, yeah, if you're an adult playing video games.

• 1:33:01Speaker 02

  I didn't do it as a kid. I don't, I didn't play any fucking games.

• 1:33:03Theo Von?

  Then you earned it, dude. Every kid should be able to play video games.

• 1:33:06Speaker 02

  That's why I tell people, I'm sixty-three. I'll let you know what I want to do when I grow up as soon as I find out. I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I'm having a good time doing what I'm doing and, you know? That, uh, having. I love seeing Joe once a month.

• 1:33:22Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:33:23Speaker 02

  Perfect for me. Two, three days of Joe. Talking some shit, smoking some dope in the green room. It's not even that. I like going to Sunset, hanging out with Red Band.

• 1:33:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:32Speaker 02

  You know, I'm gonna start going more to Creek in the Cave. I gotta start going over there and torching Rebecca. It's a nice little comedy community. If the guys like us, we're right there. You want to do another spot, go to the Vulcan.

• 1:33:43Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:33:44Speaker 02

  And beside that, how many open mics are there there?

• 1:33:47Theo Von?

  Oh, well, dude, you can go down there and what would take you a year in another city? I think you can do in four months down there.

• 1:33:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, comedy wise.

• 1:33:55Theo Von?

  I really believe that. Even in LA, if you're popping around, it's still extra popping around, you know? But there, you can manage it up and get it in, especially if you're really working on it.

• 1:34:04Speaker 02

  No, you could do three spots by night. Good spots in front of good audiences. Go to fucking Austin. The show started at seven. Some of them started at six. It just mathematically, it just made sense. The more I kept going down there, seeing my hotel bills, seeing this, I'm like, I need a pad.

• 1:34:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:22Speaker 02

  And then I went to Red Band's building. Have you gone to that building? And that's why I picked an apartment. I'm in Red Band's building. I'm on the forty-fourth fucking floor.

• 1:34:30Theo Von?

  Is it fancy?

• 1:34:31Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Fucking everything. Red light sauna downstairs, cold plunge, poker room, fucking supermarket downstairs. If you need food, you can get the supermarket. They got everything. They do it all for your Amazon returns.

• 1:34:46Theo Von?

  Mm hmm. They do. They'll return it for you? Oh, my god.

• 1:34:49Speaker 02

  Put it in a room and they.

• 1:34:50Theo Von?

  I have a bunch of shit I'd never wanted.

• 1:34:54Theo Von?

  And I just have it, dude. We started making ornaments out of some of it last year. We fucking hanging this shit on the tree of just Amazon returns.

• 1:35:00Speaker 02

  There were so many, you know? The people who come to our shows love us and they bring us gifts. And I would just come home, put the gifts in the closet, open what I could.

• 1:35:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:09Speaker 02

  When I moved, I cleaned out that closet. It was six feet deep with shit all the way to the back. I opened up like two hours with the packages. Guess what I found? I found thirty-four dollars in cash. And people would put money in cards to me. You just paid thirty to come see me. Why are you putting a hundred dollar bill?

• 1:35:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:35:27Speaker 02

  You're giving me more money than you paid for the fucking ticket. But that's the people we have coming to our shows. They're very grateful. So you gotta take the fucking extra leap. They're gonna be that cool. When I opened that up, thank god, there was books. If people give me books and I'd open them and in the middle would be five hundred cash. I had like two books like.

• 1:35:45Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:35:46Speaker 02

  Couple guys put the money at the end of the book.

• 1:35:48Theo Von?

  Damn.

• 1:35:48Speaker 02

  It was fucking.

• 1:35:49Theo Von?

  I gotta look at some of them then. I've had some books. Yeah. Would you, would you do a monthly show down there?

• 1:35:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, I got them. I got my dates already.

• 1:35:55Theo Von?

  You do?

• 1:35:56Speaker 02

  The first, uh, third Thursday of the month, seven o'clock show in the big room.

• 1:36:00Theo Von?

  And that's October?

• 1:36:01Speaker 02

  October fifteenth, sixteenth.

• 1:36:04Theo Von?

  Oh, man, I'll be down there.

• 1:36:05Speaker 02

  November something and December I got booked. And then what I'm doing is, so I'll do that room Thursday. And then hang out Friday and then Saturday, CA is gonna get me something I can go do, like a casino or a theater. And then I come home on Sunday. November's interesting. December's interesting because I'm gonna do Tulsa, Houston, and then I'm going right to Austin. I'm gonna stay there till like the eighteenth. Finish out the year there. So when I come home, I'm home for Christmas.

• 1:36:30Theo Von?

  Got it.

• 1:36:31Speaker 02

  But my wife wants to go back down to twenty-sixth of December.

• 1:36:34Theo Von?

  Does she like it down there?

• 1:36:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, and my daughter really fucking liked it.

• 1:36:38Theo Von?

  Really?

• 1:36:39Speaker 02

  Remember, I was gonna get a one bedroom and I'm like, ooh, one bedroom. I need some more fucking room.

• 1:36:43Theo Von?

  You need, you need some room. There we go. Joey Diaz and friends.

• 1:36:46Speaker 02

  Look at Joe Rogan. Look at the, look at the flyer. It looks like they made it from fucking paper mache. I gotta talk to Adam.

• 1:36:52Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, that's crazy.

• 1:36:53Speaker 02

  I'm doing that. Just a one show a month, covers my rent and the fucking plane ticket.

• 1:36:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:36:58Speaker 02

  And I get to see friends. I get to eat.

• 1:37:00Theo Von?

  That's the biggest thing. You get to watch and see people. That's the thing I start to notice, man. You know, I had to take some time, like, thankfully I've had some time off. I was having, like, I tried to get on new med. I tried to get off of my meds. And I was trying like different plant medicine stuff because I really wanted to get off meds.

• 1:37:16Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:37:17Theo Von?

  You know, I've always wanted to. Cause I got on them twenty-three years ago because I was going through a bad time in a relationship and I've still been on them bitches.

• 1:37:25Speaker 02

  I went on one six years ago and I'm trying to get off it.

• 1:37:27Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:28Speaker 02

  I don't even see it affecting me anymore. Like, I don't even see, if you work out and do all the other shit and.

• 1:37:36Speaker 02

  You get.

• 1:37:38Theo Von?

  Somebody watching Jaws. Is it affecting us or no?

• 1:37:41Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 1:37:44Theo Von?

  Um, yeah, that'd be, but it'll be so good down there, dude. And it's like, yeah, but yeah, I had to take a.

• 1:37:50Speaker 02

  Listen, man, when I went, I told you what happened last time. I was headed down there Saturday at ten in the morning. That night I get home from whatever I'm doing. I open up Instagram to see what's going on and you made a pop and I'm like, I didn't want to call you to tell you I was coming down. I want to give you a hug and surprise you.

• 1:38:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:07Speaker 02

  So when I went down Saturday, that's all I was doing. And I went to do a show on the other side of town and somebody goes, Theo's at the, uh, mothership right now.

• 1:38:17Theo Von?

  All right, mothership?

• 1:38:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I said, all right, let me shoot over there. When I got there, they said, you just missed a motherfucker.

• 1:38:22Theo Von?

  Oh.

• 1:38:23Speaker 02

  And I stayed there for an hour and then they called back again. They're like, we're all at, uh, whatever.

• 1:38:27Theo Von?

  Betty.

• 1:38:28Speaker 02

  Becky, I'm, uh, come on down. You know?

• 1:38:32Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:32Speaker 02

  Theo's down there. And that's when I got on the bicycle with the five girls. One of them was my niece. One of them was Carly, my partner and eleven. And then there was, uh, Christina Mariani, who was.

• 1:38:43Theo Von?

  She's the best.

• 1:38:44Speaker 02

  She's the best. And Little Orr. And I had a blast at those bitches. They took me to fucking the Betsy. We walked out of that four-thirty in the morning. I don't, I haven't stayed out past one in twenty years.

• 1:38:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:38:55Speaker 02

  And here I am in Austin, Texas, four-thirty in the morning, not even sweating, not even, I had a couple cocktails in me. That was it. But I had the best time.

• 1:39:04Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:39:05Speaker 02

  And that's the other thing, man. I gotta do a lot to find happiness in town because at my age, the biggest thing you want to have is communication in your day. It's great. You want to be alone? That's great. But you have to communicate with other people. That's why I go to gyms in the morning.

• 1:39:19Theo Von?

  Oh, isolation is bad.

• 1:39:20Speaker 02

  I go to boxing gyms. At this age is the biggest thing that'll get you.

• 1:39:23Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:24Speaker 02

  Is boredom and not having social. I'm twenty years older than the other dads in my block. I get it.

• 1:39:29Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:39:30Speaker 02

  I'm a fucking dinosaur compared to them. And when they talk, I don't know what they're talking about either. So, so the only people I have, a couple of girls that are my friends, like moms.

• 1:39:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:39:39Speaker 02

  That I've met through softball and shit, they'll call me and say, we're meeting up here. If you want to come by, have a drink. Besides that, there's no guys who call me.

• 1:39:47Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:39:48Speaker 02

  I got like three neighborhood girls.

• 1:39:50Theo Von?

  Dude, my friends, yeah, one of my friends ended up working with me. So now we're coworkers, which is nice. We're still friends, but we, it's working also. So there's part of that always in it. One of my good friends, he was playing football there and now he, he graduated over there. He was playing at college and then, uh, some other friends have moved out of there. So, yeah, Nashville's like, it's good, but I don't have as much of that. Like, I got a good Bible study over there though. But I don't have some of that like day-to-day contact that I want. But, and AA's gotten better over there. So that's been good for me.

• 1:40:20Speaker 02

  How are you doing with the program? Let's talk about it.

• 1:40:23Theo Von?

  Yeah, it was getting choppy, man. I'd had some tough times this summer, you know? But it's gotten better.

• 1:40:29Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 1:40:30Theo Von?

  No worries. It's gotten better, man. Um. Yeah, I don't know. I think it was just like, I don't know what was going on. Life just fucking got kind of crazy at certain points. Just like, sometimes there's just a lot going on. And it was just like, you know, I got away from my program, you know? I think there was a point too where I think over the years where I was just touring too, it was just too much, you know? And you don't like, I guess you do know, but I don't know. Some of you just learning for the first time. You're like, I, I don't know what's going on here, you know? You make some money. You don't know what that's like, you know? Popularity, some of the, some things get scary. Um, but yeah, I, I just gotten away from my program. You know, and so I had to lock back in and so now it's been good.

• 1:41:17Theo Von?

  Because most of the time I've had, it's been, has been sober time, you know? It's just when you, you know, it's just I've had, yeah, more recently, it's just, it's been choppier than I would, than I would want.

• 1:41:31Speaker 02

  This is very much a, you do the same shit every day to get you to where you're going. And for me, ever since I moved there, I'm not gonna lie to you, six years ago, I was struggling with mental health. Signed up and spoke to a therapist, went on some type of medication.

• 1:41:49Speaker 02

  It was not good. I look you in the face and tell you I got dark when I left L A. And then that shit where my mother started about she never showed up. So it was like a long eighteen months. And therapy really helped me. I figured out what the trouble fucking spots are. And if I wake up at three in the morning and Theo's on my mind, there's a problem. I have to talk to Theo.

• 1:42:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:11Speaker 02

  I used to ignore those things. You know, I would get up to piss at three in the morning and go fuck. I'm thinking about this day I took and I shouldn't have and all that shit.

• 1:42:20Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:42:20Speaker 02

  And once you start getting a lot of those in my life, something's not right. So I had to eliminate those. Like something happened last week. I woke up two nights in a row thinking about something. I got up this week and cleaned that shit up instead of letting it ride.

• 1:42:33Theo Von?

  Right. Can't do that.

• 1:42:35Speaker 02

  Because I was so busy with comedy and being a dad and podcasting.

• 1:42:38Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:39Speaker 02

  That you overlook a lot of things. So and right now I'm about to do that again at the age of sixty three with podcasting and stuff like that. So I just had to learn how to take care of my mental. I started paying attention to a lot more. Anything that jolts me a little bit, I'm done with.

• 1:42:58Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:42:58Speaker 02

  You know, I was doing great in L A. I was doing theaters, two theaters every weekend, two podcasts a week, eight spots a fucking week. I'm doing all these fucking things. And now I wasn't happy. I just was not fucking happy.

• 1:43:14Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:43:15Speaker 02

  I didn't like how things were being handled in my life. I didn't like the bullshit that was going with it. So I said, you know what? I switched agents. I stayed with C A A. Nothing with the other agent. I just didn't like how we were doing business. I didn't like, I shouldn't cringe when you call me. I shouldn't look at the phone and go fuck, what's this motherfucker want? And that's what was happening. So I had to go back and clean all that up. And I decided I'm gonna do comedy, but it's not corporate comedy. It's sixty three. I don't give a fuck if I get canceled.

• 1:43:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:43:44Speaker 02

  I don't give a fuck about anything. As a matter of fact, there's only one thing I care about is being funny and making sure those people have a great show. I don't have Netflix on my mind. I don't want to do a special. I don't want to do much. I got an audition for a voiceover to do it. It's for Ghostbusters. That I'll do. But everything else, I'm not in the corporate mood anymore. I'm not in the mood where people are coming up to me with three people after the show. You're great. I'm not in the mood for that shit.

• 1:44:08Theo Von?

  Yeah, that's a bunch of fucking [__] to regale you.

• 1:44:11Speaker 02

  That's just a bunch of shit to take you off your game. So now, this is why I incorporated Austin in my life and incorporated what I'm doing now. I'm just going to be funny at sixty three. And I have an eighteenth month window until I turn sixty five. And that goal is to give it all out, balls out, and try to be the best I can until I'm sixty five. Then I'll see what ticket sales are and everything else and I'll reevaluate. I'm a lucky sixty three year old because right now I'm supposed to be on a ship.

• 1:44:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:40Speaker 02

  Meanwhile, I'm out here handpicking gigs that are offered at me. Casinos, they pay well, you know, little residencies.

• 1:44:47Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah. You could do something. Yeah, there's a lot of possibilities.

• 1:44:50Speaker 02

  So why am I stressing? I was doing the road completely different before. It was corporate and it was business. I was only there to pick up a check on Saturday.

• 1:44:59Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:44:59Speaker 02

  I was not happy till that check came in my hand. I don't look at it like that no more. I don't even want the fucking check. I want to have a good time.

• 1:45:06Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:07Speaker 02

  If I don't have a good time, why have the check?

• 1:45:09Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:45:09Speaker 02

  I'm just, so that's my outlook now with this window. Somebody asked me why five year window and I'm like, fuck, I'm sixty three. I got one for the grave, one for the [__], ain't no window. It's like a fucking flea window.

• 1:45:22Theo Von?

  It's like a [__], it's a doggy door.

• 1:45:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a doggy door. So and but then I said, no, you have to live with some type of purpose and you have to have some type of purpose where you stand up. And this is what I'm doing.

• 1:45:33Theo Von?

  I'm happy to hear that, man.

• 1:45:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:45:35Theo Von?

  I'm glad, dude, because, yeah, and we need your energy there and I need to hear that. Because, yeah, I'm getting back. It's like I'm taking some time off, you know? We got to, we put a special together that's gonna come out at some point soon. But, yeah, I'm just taking some time off. I just started getting back on stage. I got up with Yanis Popis a couple of weeks ago, dude.

• 1:45:51Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:45:52Theo Von?

  Bro, that was one of the, he's one of the funniest.

• 1:45:55Speaker 02

  Funny dude, Yanis Popis. He does not fuck around.

• 1:45:58Theo Von?

  Bro, it, his, his show right now is probably the fun, it's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen.

• 1:46:04Speaker 02

  Really? The tour he's doing now?

• 1:46:06Theo Von?

  It was so good, man.

• 1:46:07Speaker 02

  So you jumped on stage with Yanis and Austin that night?

• 1:46:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:10Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:46:11Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:11Speaker 02

  You went up before his set?

• 1:46:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:13Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, he's a fun guy. He's a good guy. And I like Joe DeRosa. There's a lot of guys down there that I really think the world of. Like the young comics that.

• 1:46:22Theo Von?

  And the young energy. If you're young and want to kill, you want to be a hustler, you want to be in it, they're down there, man.

• 1:46:27Speaker 02

  And that energy is really good for guys my age. We both have something to give each other. I have the wisdom of thirty years that they ask me a question, I can put them at ease.

• 1:46:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:46:36Speaker 02

  And they have the gift of making me feel young.

• 1:46:39Theo Von?

  Amen.

• 1:46:39Speaker 02

  Give me the opportunity to go up there and rock like I was twenty four.

• 1:46:42Theo Von?

  Like you're saying, being around, being around people gives you energy, bro.

• 1:46:46Speaker 02

  Energy.

• 1:46:46Theo Von?

  Yeah. It's like I'll go hang out around like, I'll go like I'm a Vanderbilt football fan, you know, like. I like LSU because that's obviously where I'm from. But Vanderbilt's the city that I live in, right? They play out of Nashville. And so like last year, I went to like nine of their games last year, on the road, at home. I mean, they played eleven games. I went to nine. They played twelve. I went to nine. And it just gave me so much life because you're just a round energy.

• 1:47:10Speaker 02

  You're surrounded.

• 1:47:11Theo Von?

  It's a maximum amount.

• 1:47:12Speaker 02

  And that's real. College football is real energy, Dak.

• 1:47:15Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:15Speaker 02

  That's not fucking around. That's, you know, I tell people, you don't know what life is till you go to a college football game.

• 1:47:20Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:47:21Speaker 02

  NFL is the NFL.

• 1:47:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:47:22Speaker 02

  College is, you feel the love in the air. Everybody's having a good time.

• 1:47:26Theo Von?

  Somebody's got their fucking tits out.

• 1:47:27Speaker 02

  So always at those games. One girl isn't doing a somersault and she's fucking beautiful.

• 1:47:32Theo Von?

  Oh, you could throw your dick into the crowd and it'll land in some girl's ass. Yeah.

• 1:47:36Speaker 02

  You could feel the, you could feel something that's unlike pro football.

• 1:47:41Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, it's something real.

• 1:47:42Speaker 02

  Which is real, you know?

• 1:47:43Theo Von?

  Pro football's turning into just more gambling and people just trying to like, you know, people trying to just gamble and just probably lie to their spouse or whatever.

• 1:47:53Theo Von?

  But it's definitely, pro football's turning into a bit more of a racket.

• 1:47:57Speaker 02

  What I wanted to talk to you about before I left was our plan for the future. I love you a lot. You're like a stepson to me. And when I bumped into you in Austin, you said something to me that night that really made me think. And then I started counting for you. I started counting the days for you to give you as much support as I can give you. I'm not there all the time.

• 1:48:19Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:20Speaker 02

  I'm not there all the time. And I really want you to do well with this now. I really want you to put your, because you have a whole world ahead of you that you don't know. And I'm gonna explain it to you now. I did cocaine from nineteen seventy nine to two thousand and seven. What's that? That's twenty one years plus seven is?

• 1:48:38Theo Von?

  Two hundred.

• 1:48:39Speaker 02

  Twenty eight years.

• 1:48:40Theo Von?

  Twenty eight years.

• 1:48:41Speaker 02

  Twenty eight years I had that in my body. It was in my thought and it does affect you.

• 1:48:45Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:48:46Speaker 02

  You know, it's not just one package once a week. Now you're doing five packages a week and it starts becoming you. I ended up kidnapping somebody. I ended up paying my debts to society. And what did I do when I came out? I went right back to the bag.

• 1:48:58Theo Von?

  Oh, dude, I fucking, yeah.

• 1:49:00Speaker 02

  And I started comedy during the bank. I got married. I got divorced. I was dead broke. I went through hell for a lot of years.

• 1:49:06Theo Von?

  And you were in the bag the whole time?

• 1:49:08Speaker 02

  Oh, fuck, yeah. There was no stopping or nothing. There was, there was always a bag. I divorced.

• 1:49:13Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:13Speaker 02

  I don't talk to that daughter. It's been twenty some years since I spoken to that daughter.

• 1:49:17Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:49:18Speaker 02

  All because of that patch of life. But I want you to think about what I'm telling you. At forty four, I made a decision to stop snorting coke. That was nineteen years ago. This November will be nineteen years. I want to tell you what I've accomplished in nineteen years to what I accomplished in forty four years. It's not even close.

• 1:49:37Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:49:38Speaker 02

  Marriage, a child, a career, podcasting. I did all these things in that little fucking window. So every morning when I wake up, my regret is I wish I had fifteen more of those years to see what the damage I could have done. How high I could have worked if I would have ended up in arenas or whatever. I'm content with what God gave me. I'm grateful for what I don't have and for what I do have. Even if you have a cocktail one time, even if you decide to eat a ten milligram edible. I'm talking about the shit that gets us down the most, the drug that has driven us down the most is what you have to get out of your system. And Jesus Christ, in nineteen years, I became a dad. This ain't.

• 1:50:22Theo Von?

  Was it stuff you never thought you could do?

• 1:50:23Speaker 02

  Never.

• 1:50:24Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:50:25Speaker 02

  Never. And you get this superpower. You get, you get to see who the real you was.

• 1:50:31Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:32Speaker 02

  Once you uncover that thing, what's about to come out, if you stick to the program and what's working the program. I have to go to a meeting eight times a day. That's bullshit.

• 1:50:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:50:42Speaker 02

  I want you to go to a meeting once a day. I want you to wake up every day with the intention that you're there to make someone's day. Whether you give them a thousand dollars or open up a car door for them to, so their day is better. So sobriety isn't just fighting off the devil. It's us immortal into the new us and figuring out what the fuck the drugs have covered. What views have been covered by the drugs? What part of our lives have been hidden?

• 1:51:09Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:51:10Speaker 02

  And that's when you're gonna, a woman will pop into your life. She gets knocked up in two months and she's gonna give you twins and they're beautiful two girls. You know, this is the things that I'm saying to you. Look, you just screamed at me.

• 1:51:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:22Speaker 02

  Because your options are so much.

• 1:51:26Speaker 02

  When you're sober from the shit that almost killed you. I mean, how long was I gonna continue to do it, bro? How long was I gonna go to prison again? Or how long? Put me in fucking prison. You know, and I still went out the next week. That's the monster addiction is, but once you cut that motherfucker's head off.

• 1:51:44Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:51:46Speaker 02

  The shit that comes out of you, man, it takes a while, but you'll start thinking things and going, hmm, I never thought like that before.

• 1:51:53Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah, I mean, the best times I've ever had, I think, are the best that, yeah, the, the time I've operated the best in my life has been times when I've, when I've been sober, you know? And most of the time, it's been that way. But it's like when it's gotten off where it hasn't been, it's definitely, it's been tough, you know? And then you start to get isolated too. That never helped me. Sometimes it was like over tour and that didn't help me.

• 1:52:18Theo Von?

  But yeah, I've always gone to meetings, you know, I just had, there was just, there was a time where, yeah, like in the past, probably six months has been tough to keep a lot of time together, you know? But, uh, but now it's, it's back on track. And so that's been the best feeling, but I appreciate that.

• 1:52:33Speaker 02

  I got your back, man. I got your fuck, even though I'm 20 miles, 2,000 miles without you, I think about you three, four times a week. I don't like bothering you because I know you're on, you're in different time zones every 15 fucking minutes, you're in a different time zone.

• 1:52:47Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:52:47Speaker 02

  But I want you to know I have your back. I'm cheering for you because I really want you to get the happiness that you've been looking for, for years, for years. It might not be a woman, might not be a kid, it might not be a horse. You're gonna feel, this is way better than a peptide.

• 1:53:04Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:53:05Speaker 02

  No peptide, no blowjob, nothing can make you feel what you're about to feel once those fucking rocks start getting out of the way and the real you comes out.

• 1:53:15Theo Von?

  What did you notice for yourself?

• 1:53:18Theo Von?

  Like, was there one kind of thing or two things that really?

• 1:53:20Speaker 02

  There was something right off the bat that I had forgotten in all my addiction.

• 1:53:26Speaker 02

  The first thing I forgot was that I was a fucking man. And there's a certain way to talk to me, and there's a certain way not to talk to me. Whether you're a talent agent, a producer, a director, you're gonna talk to me a certain way. And I'm gonna give you the same mutual respect. And I remember one night I flipped out and I fucking direct on a commercial shoot and everybody loved it because the guy went on, he's one of those guys that comes up with the sleeves rolled up to show the tattoo and the hat.

• 1:53:50Theo Von?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:53:51Speaker 02

  With the feather and the Chinese assistant.

• 1:53:53Theo Von?

  Some fake ass orphan or whatever.

• 1:53:55Speaker 02

  And I found myself sticking up for myself more, not giving a fuck about, because what I really gave a fuck wasn't ruining my career, it was ruining my little secret. But I'm not, I might not be able, I'm not gonna stick up for myself because I won't be able to snort coke three nights from now. Once I didn't have that no more, I became a fucking animal. That's it. You're gonna treat me like a man, bitch. I'm not one of these motherfuckers in Studio City. Oh, my God, I brought you a cake. Nah.

• 1:54:20Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:20Speaker 02

  I got talent, motherfucker. All right, I don't have to show up with nothing.

• 1:54:23Theo Von?

  Right.

• 1:54:24Speaker 02

  It was things like that, that I started like in LA. I started, you know, people call you, hey, it's 3:40 in the afternoon, you wanna go to this audition at six downtown? Can I ask you a question? Would you send your mother down there at six?

• 1:54:36Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:36Speaker 02

  Why are you sending me down there?

• 1:54:37Theo Von?

  Fuck you.

• 1:54:38Speaker 02

  Fuck you.

• 1:54:39Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:40Speaker 02

  Sticking up for yourself, not in a weird way.

• 1:54:42Theo Von?

  Nah.

• 1:54:42Speaker 02

  I'm very appreciative that you got me on audition, but just the things that Hollywood gets you confused.

• 1:54:48Theo Von?

  Yeah. They start tripping your brain up a little bit.

• 1:54:51Speaker 02

  And when you see them, those guys are all the same.

• 1:54:53Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:54:53Speaker 02

  They talk a big game until you say, how about I slap you in the mouth? Watch what happens. The police get involved. Oh, this is not right.

• 1:55:01Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:01Speaker 02

  But when you did it, it was right. When you walk around this set and embarrass people and talk, you know, the women.

• 1:55:07Theo Von?

  You're fucking around.

• 1:55:08Speaker 02

  I heard the director tell a woman she was too fat.

• 1:55:10Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:11Speaker 02

  I don't want you standing over there. He didn't say nothing about the lighting. He just blatantly, because he thought he could do that, tell this girl that was like 28, you're too fat, I can't have you stand there. When I heard that, I was like, oh.

• 1:55:23Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:23Speaker 02

  And you take that shit because you think that's part of your career.

• 1:55:26Theo Von?

  You think it's part of it.

• 1:55:27Speaker 02

  Fuck you, motherfucker.

• 1:55:29Theo Von?

  A lot of these Hollywood dudes, they get bad, they get bad, they give bad, uh, they give a bad name to real cool gay dudes and regular fat or whatever. They ruin them.

• 1:55:39Speaker 02

  Regular fat.

• 1:55:40Theo Von?

  Because they're, you know what I'm saying? Because they ruin them because they're trying to be fucking cool.

• 1:55:46Speaker 02

  That shit was holding me back. Your original thoughts of how you feel, whatever religion you're part of.

• 1:55:51Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:51Speaker 02

  There's something that you paid attention to younger, now you feel stronger about it.

• 1:55:55Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:55:56Speaker 02

  There's so many things that you see that have been cut off from your life and you're like, how did I forget that?

• 1:56:02Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:02Speaker 02

  How did I forget this? So.

• 1:56:04Theo Von?

  Yeah, some disconnection.

• 1:56:06Speaker 02

  In a nutshell, I think it's hard, but I wanna be on this planet when you start reaping the rewards from that, because I want you to call me every three months and go, Joey, this is getting fucking crazy.

• 1:56:16Theo Von?

  Wow.

• 1:56:17Speaker 02

  This is getting fucking crazy. I'm not talking about you involved in orgy. Life is gonna get crazy.

• 1:56:22Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:22Speaker 02

  Numbers are gonna start changing, people are gonna start changing. It gets real and this is what you were supposed to feel since day one. When I started coke, when I do a show the next night. It would be great, I would kill, but I could feel the connection wasn't there. I'm connected now. I've been connected for 17 years now.

• 1:56:42Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:43Speaker 02

  I know exactly what passes through my mouth and how it goes out. So if I could give anything to anybody, I want you to feel that, what I feel, because I know it's gonna solve 89% of your problems.

• 1:56:54Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:56:55Speaker 02

  I, I could promise you that. I could, I could gamble my life on that. If you stick to this program you're on right now, couple weights, you're not doing like, you don't have to become Mr. N A and get a tattoo and.

• 1:57:06Theo Von?

  Yeah, no, I don't need all of that.

• 1:57:07Speaker 02

  You don't need all that. Just where your heart is, you're gonna be a fucking killer. You're a killer now.

• 1:57:13Theo Von?

  I just need to keep my, yeah, I just gotta keep building more time.

• 1:57:16Speaker 02

  And right now, I don't know, I clock you at 40, you're gonna have the last 20 years of your life be how you intended to live them. And that's something I can't sell you and that's something, N A can't sell you. And I love those programs because those programs really help you. I didn't like the Hollywood N A. I went to it a couple of times and I stopped selling coke. It would drive me back to snort coke because they don't adhere to the program.

• 1:57:42Theo Von?

  Well, sometimes they'd have dudes in there selling coke.

• 1:57:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're selling coke, they go to a doctor that gives them replacement pills to get you high. They all come up with the, they, I, I still remember being at that meeting, it was on, uh, I think off the, no.

• 1:57:57Theo Von?

  Off of Santa Monica Boulevard?

• 1:57:59Speaker 02

  Yes. I went to a couple of them there. Too many people had N A tattoos.

• 1:58:03Theo Von?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:04Speaker 02

  This is.

• 1:58:05Theo Von?

  People have like a bag of coke tattooed on them and shit like that. Have a fucking, they had a gay dude in there was always sucking on people. He had a fucking big gulp tattoo, that gay dude, that big black dude. They call him the vacuum or whatever, that motherfucker, bro. Do not even take your weener out around that guy, it'll end up in his mouth. But yeah, it was a trying time over there.

• 1:58:26Speaker 02

  Let me try.

• 1:58:26Theo Von?

  Yeah. But yeah, dude, thank you, bro.

• 1:58:29Speaker 02

  That's my gift to you, because I love you. You're the real deal, holy for you. I've always loved you. It's easy, so.

• 1:58:33Theo Von?

  Love you too, bro.

• 1:58:34Speaker 02

  That's what I want you to really gain in your life, so.

• 1:58:37Theo Von?

  I appreciate that, dude. Yeah, I'm, uh, I feel better than ever that I'm.

• 1:58:42Speaker 02

  You look better than ever.

• 1:58:43Theo Von?

  Thanks, bro.

• 1:58:43Speaker 02

  I could see it. And this time out of all the other times, I see a little bit more confident in your eyes. I watch your podcast, dog. I watch you, you know, whenever I see a video, you jumping up and down in Vanderbilt, I look at you and I make sure you're healthy.

• 1:58:55Theo Von?

  I was fucking gooning out there.

• 1:58:56Speaker 02

  You ate last night and, you know.

• 1:58:59Theo Von?

  Yeah, Lane Kiffin's got people out there. He's, he's two losses away from probably getting busted for something, but TBD, that's his life, dude.

• 1:59:07Speaker 02

  That's it, brother.

• 1:59:08Theo Von?

  He keeps things exciting. What else? I'm trying to think if there's anything else we wanna talk about? I mean, anything else you wanted to talk about, Joey?

• 1:59:16Speaker 02

  No, I'm pretty good. I got it out of my chest what I wanted for you and I love you and that's it.

• 1:59:20Theo Von?

  Appreciate it, bro.

• 1:59:21Speaker 02

  We could promote some dates or whatever, but I don't give a fuck.

• 1:59:24Theo Von?

  We'll put, we.

• 1:59:24Speaker 02

  I have nothing in September. I have, uh, the 30th in Brooklyn.

• 1:59:28Theo Von?

  Can you pull his dates out?

• 1:59:31Speaker 02

  And that's all I got, brother. Just happy to be here with you. I'm happy you came to New Jersey and, uh.

• 1:59:38Theo Von?

  Yeah, right there, we got Brooklyn, New York, September 30th.

• 1:59:41Speaker 02

  Chicago Theater, November 5th.

• 1:59:44Theo Von?

  Ooh.

• 1:59:45Speaker 02

  For the Comedy Festival with Burt. I think I got, uh, Riverside Theater in, uh, Milwaukee on the 7th.

• 1:59:51Theo Von?

  Oh, that's gonna be beautiful, dude.

• 1:59:53Speaker 02

  So that's where I'm at, but who gives a fuck about the dates?

• 1:59:57Theo Von?

  We'll put them up.

• 1:59:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, we'll figure this out, brother.

• 1:59:59Theo Von?

  Coco Diaz, bro. Love you, bro.

• 2:00:01Speaker 02

  Love you, brother. Thanks for thinking of me and have a great week and I'll see you, I'll see you in Austin.

• 2:00:06Theo Von?

  I'll see you in Austin.

• 2:00:06Speaker 02

  Next month.