Adam Ray's Kelly Takes Over Whiskey Ginger!

Welcome to Whiskey Ginger a Wave series presented by Fanduel. This week Andrew Santino sits down with Kelly, one of the unforgettable characters from comedian Adam Ray’s new Netflix series The Adam Ray Show. And Kelly came ready to talk. Santino attempts to get to know the woman behind the mystery as Kelly dishes out opinions, asks the important questions nobody else has the courage to ask, and generally makes herself at home at Whiskey Ginger. It’s part interview, part therapy session, and part whatever the hell Kelly wants it to be. Check out The Adam Ray Show, now streaming on Netflix:https://www.netflix.com For Adam Ray tour dates, Dr. Phil LIVE, and more:https://adamraycomedy.com Follow Adam Ray:https://www.instagram.com/adamraycomedy Follow Andrew Santino:https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Follow Whiskey Ginger:https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast #WhiskeyGinger #AndrewSantino #AdamRay #Kelly #TheAdamRayShow ========================================================== This episode is sponsored by: FANDUEL Play Daily Dingers and make your FREE pick on who’s hitting a homer. http://fanduel.com/whiskey LIQUID IV USE PROMO CODE: 2026WG FOR 20% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER http://liquidiv.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Andrew Santino?

  Welcome back to Whiskey Ginger, a wave series presented by FanDuel. Hey there, fans. I am not touring anymore this year. I am gonna tour next year. And if you want me to come to your city, please comment down below on this video or wherever you are watching this from and say, "Hey, come to my city, please." Because we're organizing a tour right now for next year to come to your towns. All right, enough rambling. Let's go to the episode.

• 0:24Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 0:30Speaker 02

  You're that creature in the ginger beard.

• 0:32Speaker 01

  Sturdy ginger.

• 0:34Speaker 03

  Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers, oh, hell, no.

• 0:42Speaker 02

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

• 0:48Andrew Santino?

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that wrong. My guest, what I mean once again today. It is Kelly Moore.

• 0:56Speaker 04

  Hey, YouTube.

• 0:58Andrew Santino?

  Hey, well, it's more than just YouTube. We're everywhere. We're streaming on all platforms available for podcasts.

• 1:04Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. Hey, Pandora. Hey, Tubi. Hey, Craigslist. Do you guys still fuck with Craigslist?

• 1:11Andrew Santino?

  We don't do Craigslist anymore. No, we stopped doing that a little while ago.

• 1:13Speaker 04

  Remember when Craigslist had a video platform?

• 1:15Andrew Santino?

  Do I?

• 1:16Speaker 04

  People don't remember this. It was like early days of C-List. Like, yeah, I was like, "Oh, Miss Connections. Ooh, let me buy a couch from a pervert." And then all of a sudden, it was like, you could upload your, like, I had a friend who was like doing open mics.

• 1:27Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:28Speaker 04

  And he used to open for Dane Cook. And do you know Vinnie Fazline?

• 1:32Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:32Speaker 04

  So he would upload his stand-up clips to Craigslist.

• 1:35Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 1:36Speaker 04

  Which at first I was like, fucking, okay, amateur. And then he got booked at like the Comedy Union and the Haha, and then Flappers let him headline. And next thing you know, he was like, just, he's like, he's very funny. So, but Craigslist was like, for a long time, just like the place where you went to like get murdered.

• 1:53Andrew Santino?

  Not anymore, though.

• 1:54Speaker 04

  No, now that's just outside.

• 1:55Andrew Santino?

  That's just outside, on the streets. Kelly, thank you for coming on the show. Give me a little cheers, Kelly. Would you like to have a sip of something?

• 2:00Speaker 04

  I would like to have more than, you sound like my college boyfriend.

• 2:03Andrew Santino?

  Where'd you go to college?

• 2:05Speaker 04

  So, it's a long answer.

• 2:07Andrew Santino?

  Okay, well, you can shorten it if you'd like.

• 2:08Speaker 04

  Northridge Community College.

• 2:10Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that seems pretty quick.

• 2:11Speaker 04

  I grew up in Lake Forest Park, Washington, but I was born in, I guess it's, I guess outside of Delaware. And then my dad moved us to Lake Forest Park, Washington, when I was three. And then I went to Evergreen Community College in Washington for like a year. Transferred to Northridge, yada, yada, yada, over the pants handjobs. And then I quit because I was just like, college is so like, I don't know. I don't, do kids watch this?

• 2:39Andrew Santino?

  Adults, usually. Grown adults usually watch this show.

• 2:45Andrew Santino?

  Do you like it?

• 2:50Speaker 04

  What the fuck was that? Roofie Kowada?

• 2:52Andrew Santino?

  No, first of all, that was just a little bit of George C. Stagg. It's a delicious bourbon.

• 2:56Speaker 04

  No, I, it's, okay, so.

• 2:59Andrew Santino?

  What do you want? We have buzz balls in the fridge. You want one of those?

• 3:01Speaker 04

  Okay, take me to dinner first.

• 3:04Andrew Santino?

  Where would you like to go?

• 3:06Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 3:07Andrew Santino?

  No one ever asked you that, do they?

• 3:09Speaker 04

  I don't want to like get emotional right now.

• 3:10Andrew Santino?

  Please.

• 3:16Speaker 04

  I've never.

• 3:18Andrew Santino?

  You've never been kissed?

• 3:20Speaker 04

  Well, I have, but usually guys just put it in first and then they kiss me.

• 3:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, my God, Kelly.

• 3:25Speaker 04

  But I've never been taken to dinner.

• 3:27Andrew Santino?

  I would love to take you to a dinner.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  I don't even believe you because I'm not triggered by it.

• 3:33Andrew Santino?

  Kelly, I will take you. Name a place that you'd like to go to dinner. I'd love to.

• 3:35Speaker 04

  Chick-fil-A.

• 3:36Andrew Santino?

  I'll take you to Chick-fil-A. What's your order?

• 3:40Speaker 04

  The spicy nuggets and the chicken, the regular chicken sandwich with double cheese.

• 3:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's a good order. I would love to take you.

• 3:48Speaker 04

  I'm sorry. I, so, my cycle has been wild this past year. Do you, are you?

• 3:55Andrew Santino?

  You're not, there, you're not in menopause? You're not in menopause?

• 3:59Speaker 04

  I'm 44.

• 4:00Andrew Santino?

  Oh.

• 4:01Speaker 04

  When's menopause?

• 4:04Andrew Santino?

  Um, it can start for anybody at any time. I just didn't know what, how, I didn't know your age, to be honest. You're much younger than I thought.

• 4:09Speaker 04

  What did you think?

• 4:10Andrew Santino?

  I thought in your mid-50s, early 60s.

• 4:12Speaker 04

  I'll take that. Cougars are coming back. Rare.

• 4:15Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 4:15Speaker 04

  Was that a cougar? I haven't been to this in a while.

• 4:17Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I don't know if they're there anymore. What is menopause?

• 4:19Speaker 05

  Uh, 45 to 55.

• 4:21Andrew Santino?

  No, it starts right around now.

• 4:22Speaker 04

  Okay, so I got a year of fucking, ooh, it's really, it's Kelly Summer.

• 4:25Andrew Santino?

  It's Kelly Summer?

• 4:26Speaker 04

  Which was my old name and then I changed it, well, it's, Kelly Moore was my name. I changed it to Kelly Summer because I thought it was, when I first came to LA. Can I story time?

• 4:34Andrew Santino?

  Please.

• 4:35Speaker 04

  When I fir-, what?

• 4:40Speaker 04

  Nervous. When I first came to LA, I, I just, I didn't know really anybody. I met, like, you know, again, like, random comedians. Like, I was trying to do acting, but then it was like, every Starbucks you'd go to, there's a guy that's like, "I have a camera and a portfolio. Do you want to be in my," you know, it's just.

• 4:58Andrew Santino?

  The one on La Brea. I've been there. Yeah.

• 5:00Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, yeah.

• 5:00Andrew Santino?

  That guy, yeah.

• 5:01Speaker 04

  And I took the photos because I'm like, you need to build something out of nothing. And I literally had a backpack and some lip gloss and some Stridex and like some Magnum condoms, and that was it.

• 5:12Andrew Santino?

  You're basically Dora. That's Dora.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  She was a slut, wasn't she?

• 5:16Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, but I mean.

• 5:17Speaker 04

  She was like, "Me too gusta."

• 5:21Speaker 04

  I don't speak Spanish.

• 5:22Andrew Santino?

  That's okay.

• 5:22Speaker 04

  But, so I was out here just doing my thing and I met a lot of athletes.

• 5:26Andrew Santino?

  So you were big in the athletic community. They loved you.

• 5:29Speaker 04

  Oh, you could say that. I mean, let's just say that I should have my own trading card from TOPPS because of the amount of bottoms I've been.

• 5:37Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  Clip it.

• 5:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I don't want to say who I've been with.

• 5:43Andrew Santino?

  You should.

• 5:44Speaker 04

  Okay. Um, well, let's just say they don't call him the big hurt for nothing.

• 5:49Andrew Santino?

  Frank Thomas.

• 5:50Speaker 04

  No, fucking Jim Thomas, the Wendy's guy. Or, what's his name?

• 5:54Andrew Santino?

  Dave Thomas?

• 5:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 5:55Andrew Santino?

  You did him, too.

• 5:56Speaker 04

  Before he died.

• 5:57Andrew Santino?

  God bless.

• 5:58Speaker 04

  Also Dennis Haskins.

• 6:00Andrew Santino?

  Dennis Haskins. I'm gonna ask you some rumors I've heard about you, Kelly.

• 6:03Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 6:03Andrew Santino?

  Look, we don't know each other that well. I met you through my, my very, very, very close friend, Adam Ray. You, of course, are on his show on Netflix. You do like a cameo? Is that?

• 6:11Speaker 04

  So he's doing this show called The Adam Ray Show. Clever title. Should have called it.

• 6:15Andrew Santino?

  It's a little hack.

• 6:15Speaker 04

  Jew Bag or something. Oh, my God, take that out.

• 6:18Andrew Santino?

  No, no, leave it in.

• 6:19Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, take that out.

• 6:20Andrew Santino?

  No, he's Jewish. It's okay.

• 6:21Speaker 04

  Oh, fuck.

• 6:22Andrew Santino?

  It's okay.

• 6:23Speaker 04

  Okay, so, I, okay.

• 6:26Andrew Santino?

  It's okay.

• 6:27Speaker 04

  So he has a show on Netflix, The Adam Ray Show. It's him and his characters and, I mean, he's got multiple personality disorders, so he's always like, "Look at me." And you're like, "Be yourself." So, but I know, um, you did it. You did an episode.

• 6:40Andrew Santino?

  I did an episode, yeah.

• 6:41Speaker 04

  So funny, by the way.

• 6:42Andrew Santino?

  Thank you very much.

• 6:43Speaker 04

  You're so, you're so fucking funny.

• 6:45Andrew Santino?

  I'm married, Kelly, so back off a little bit.

• 6:47Speaker 04

  Okay, well, I'm bi. So.

• 6:49Andrew Santino?

  That's not, okay.

• 6:50Speaker 04

  Well, like, how do you know I'm not into like your wife and not you? Because I'm into girls, too.

• 6:54Andrew Santino?

  Are you really?

• 6:56Speaker 04

  Well, I said that before I really thought about, it's gotta be, depending what girl. Like, you want to know what kind of girls I'm into and then I'll get back to the Netflix show?

• 7:02Andrew Santino?

  Got it.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  Name a type of girl you think I'm into.

• 7:05Andrew Santino?

  Uh, I think, I would think you're into somebody like Zendaya.

• 7:09Speaker 04

  Close. Black, yeah, but go bigger and taller.

• 7:12Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Venus, Venus or Serena Williams.

• 7:15Speaker 04

  Ooh, God, bigger.

• 7:17Andrew Santino?

  Bigger.

• 7:18Speaker 04

  Not Sidibey, which, by the way, sounds like its own like department of shape.

• 7:23Andrew Santino?

  A Sidibey?

• 7:24Speaker 04

  A Sidibey. You go to, you go to, uh, what's the mattress store?

• 7:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, Sleep Mattre-, uh, Sleep Number.

• 7:30Speaker 04

  Sleep Number, I don't know, whatever your sponsor is.

• 7:31Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 7:31Speaker 04

  And you go, "Can I get a Sidibey?" And they go, "We have to take you to the other store." Who is that?

• 7:37Andrew Santino?

  That's the guy that works there.

• 7:38Speaker 04

  Yes, so.

• 7:39Andrew Santino?

  A kind of girl that you'd like, I would assume, would be someone bigger than that.

• 7:42Speaker 04

  Let me give you this. Female, black rapper. Who do you think of?

• 7:46Andrew Santino?

  Uh, I think of Nicki Minaj.

• 7:48Speaker 04

  Oh, bigger. Not like bigger star size, like, bigger like, you know, she's like, she could go with us to Chick-fil-A and probably slam a couple spicy nuggets before we even order.

• 7:57Andrew Santino?

  Missy Elliott, pre-GLP-1.

• 7:59Speaker 04

  Nope.

• 8:00Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Glowzilla.

• 8:02Speaker 04

  I don't know who that is.

• 8:04Andrew Santino?

  That's somebody I made up, I think.

• 8:05Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 8:06Andrew Santino?

  Sorry.

• 8:06Speaker 04

  It's that easy, right? Just say a rapper. Go fucking Tampon Jacks.

• 8:10Andrew Santino?

  She's really good.

• 8:11Speaker 04

  She is good.

• 8:12Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, she's very good. And her debut album is coming out. Tampon Jacks, go get it.

• 8:15Speaker 04

  Her debut album is called.

• 8:16Andrew Santino?

  Squirts It Hurts.

• 8:17Speaker 04

  Oh, that's so funny. I was gonna say, Going With The Flow.

• 8:19Andrew Santino?

  Going With The Flow. Very good.

• 8:21Speaker 04

  You're funny.

• 8:21Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 8:22Speaker 04

  Um, so, you know, sometimes you meet somebody, you're just like, I feel like a chemistry.

• 8:26Andrew Santino?

  I did, I did feel the same thing when you walked in.

• 8:29Speaker 04

  Queen Latifah.

• 8:30Andrew Santino?

  The queen.

• 8:31Speaker 04

  That's my, that's my, like.

• 8:33Andrew Santino?

  That's your crush.

• 8:33Speaker 04

  If I'm gonna go gay, it's like.

• 8:35Andrew Santino?

  That's your Hollywood crush.

• 8:36Speaker 04

  I'm going to Burger King at Queen Latifah's house and we're having a fucking.

• 8:41Andrew Santino?

  A whopper. Yeah.

• 8:43Speaker 04

  Well, I'm gonna eat her pussy. But, um, so, did The Adam Ray Show, did, I interviewed the New Kids on the Block in Vegas. I think that episode's out now. It's fucking.

• 8:50Andrew Santino?

  And you guys are hu-, you're a huge fan.

• 8:52Speaker 04

  I'm a huge Blockhead. Like, if you can see the girls, like, they're covered in New Kids and some other stuff because, you know, I.

• 8:58Andrew Santino?

  Joey was nasty, huh?

• 8:59Speaker 04

  Well, not the band, but like, they have, there's always like husbands or stray guys that go to the shows because it's, it's a woman festival.

• 9:07Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 9:08Speaker 04

  They're cruises. It's 3,500 horny, drunk, fucking chicks. And so I met a couple guys that were just like, "I'm gonna go to the New Kids on the Block show and fuck, and find a fucking, find a fucking chick."

• 9:20Andrew Santino?

  Whoa.

• 9:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, so.

• 9:22Andrew Santino?

  So, so you got, you got what you needed.

• 9:25Speaker 04

  I got what I needed, yeah. You know that song? "I gave you just what I needed." I got it.

• 9:30Andrew Santino?

  Cars.

• 9:30Speaker 04

  Little than some, or little, little more than I needed. But so, um, anyway, did that. And then I interviewed John Stamos for his Netflix show, and I think that comes out soon.

• 9:38Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 9:39Speaker 04

  But it's like, Netflix is cool. Like, it's always my go-to at night, like Murder Docs, which like, I'm now, I can't really, I can't watch Murder Docs in the night anymore. I have to watch them in the daytime.

• 9:51Andrew Santino?

  Do you live alone?

• 9:53Speaker 04

  See, this is what I'm talking about. I listen to this murder podcast and they say, "Don't tell, if you're gonna tell people that you listen to murder podcasts, don't tell them personal information about yourself." I guess I told you I'm 44, but.

• 10:06Andrew Santino?

  I mean, I know an awful lot about you in the short little time that we've been together.

• 10:08Speaker 04

  I live in, actually, I'm an open book. You know what I want my memoir title to be called? Fuck it.

• 10:15Andrew Santino?

  Fuck it.

• 10:16Speaker 04

  And then, which means like, this is like, take it or leave it, which could also be a title, but like, this is.

• 10:21Andrew Santino?

  Take it or leave it.

• 10:22Speaker 04

  Because like, these things cost, how much do you think these things cost?

• 10:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I, I don't comment about stuff like that. I don't, uh.

• 10:28Speaker 04

  What is it, 1993? Just look at my tits and guess a price, Bob Barker. Thanks, Carlos.

• 10:33Andrew Santino?

  $1?

• 10:34Speaker 04

  By the way, he's hot.

• 10:35Andrew Santino?

  Don't hit on Carlos. He's not, he's not.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  That's another name of my book.

• 10:39Andrew Santino?

  Don't hit on Carlos?

• 10:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, and then everyone has to fucking read, wait till chapter 30 to find out who the fuck I'm talking about.

• 10:44Andrew Santino?

  You're an interesting.

• 10:45Speaker 04

  Because, no, thanks, Carlos, you're not an opening of the book chapter.

• 10:48Andrew Santino?

  Well, he could be.

• 10:49Speaker 04

  You could be.

• 10:50Andrew Santino?

  Thank you. Just focus on us. You don't need to be keeping hitting on Carlos, Kelly.

• 10:54Speaker 04

  This is good, by the way.

• 10:55Andrew Santino?

  It is very good.

• 10:55Speaker 04

  First sip, yuck. Second, yum.

• 10:57Andrew Santino?

  Third.

• 10:59Speaker 04

  Let's go.

• 11:00Andrew Santino?

  Right?

• 11:01Speaker 04

  You have seen my Instagram.

• 11:03Andrew Santino?

  I've seen your stuff, yeah.

• 11:04Speaker 04

  When I go to any sort of like, I don't know, karaoke bar or rave, I've gotten into raves big time lately.

• 11:10Andrew Santino?

  You're a big raver.

• 11:11Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:11Andrew Santino?

  Do you use?

• 11:13Speaker 04

  And abuse? Yeah, what am I, a fucking sober person?

• 11:18Andrew Santino?

  Well, I didn't know. Are you into, do you, do you go to raves and you do Molly and stuff like that?

• 11:21Speaker 04

  I do Molly, coke, ecstasy, shooters, boomers, cooters.

• 11:27Andrew Santino?

  Poppers?

• 11:28Speaker 04

  Up, uppers, downers. Here's the thing. Dr. Fauci's always like, don't do drugs, right?

• 11:33Andrew Santino?

  Is that what he says?

• 11:34Speaker 04

  I don't, I didn't read his book.

• 11:36Andrew Santino?

  I didn't either.

• 11:37Speaker 04

  But I saw him in a clip and he was like, don't do the drugs. And I was like, I'll do the drugs. Thank you, dare officer.

• 11:44Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 11:45Speaker 04

  Cause they were always like trying to dare you, basically. That's what they were doing.

• 11:48Andrew Santino?

  Is that what the dare meant? Dare you to do drugs?

• 11:50Speaker 04

  That's how I took it. How'd you take it?

• 11:52Andrew Santino?

  It was a drug abuse resistance education is what it was an acronym for. So I took it pretty literal. Yeah, yeah.

• 11:58Speaker 04

  Do you remember the first drug you did? Take me back to Chi-Town?

• 12:02Andrew Santino?

  Chicago, yeah.

• 12:03Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 12:03Andrew Santino?

  First drug I did. Marijuana.

• 12:05Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 12:06Andrew Santino?

  Very fun.

• 12:06Speaker 04

  It's still so fun.

• 12:08Andrew Santino?

  And then right after that, I did, just, I went right to heroin.

• 12:12Speaker 04

  Oh, god.

• 12:14Andrew Santino?

  I feel like get the other stuff out of the way.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  I'm saving heroin for when I'm like 85. I'm just gonna go fucking buzz balls and shoot and heroin balls and...

• 12:22Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, big ball. You like balls.

• 12:24Speaker 04

  Well, like, think about it. If I'm still fucking in my 80s, I don't wanna, like, I wanna be on drugs when I have to look at some fucking veiny shaft.

• 12:30Andrew Santino?

  I feel that.

• 12:31Speaker 04

  Like, now you look at a cock and you're like, ha! You know? But when you're 85, you're like, what is it?

• 12:41Andrew Santino?

  You don't care.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  No, you're like, bring it on. I've seen playgrounds that look worse than this.

• 12:45Andrew Santino?

  Okay. That, I mean, yeah. You know, you strike me, Kelly, as somebody who's very secure with themselves.

• 12:51Speaker 04

  Oh, my god. I, that's, welcome to your 40s. Oprah and Jennifer Aniston always said 40s are the new 30s. And at first I was like, okay. I mean, why would I listen to you? Like, you propelled Dr. Oz and you, Aniston, you, you know, have enabled a lot of people to do some wild shit, you know?

• 13:10Andrew Santino?

  Really?

• 13:10Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. Oh, there's like, there's a whole underworld. Have you ever heard about the freeway that celebrities can use?

• 13:17Andrew Santino?

  The freeway?

• 13:17Speaker 04

  The underground tunnels that celebrities can use.

• 13:20Andrew Santino?

  There's tunnels in New York. I've heard about those.

• 13:21Speaker 04

  Oh, no. Like, Will Smith famously, and I think all the Fresh Prince cast, use this underground tunnel. Carlos, hit me.

• 13:29Speaker 05

  The one, the one under Sunset?

• 13:31Speaker 04

  Boom. The one under Sunset. You know where Katsuya is?

• 13:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 04

  Boom.

• 13:36Andrew Santino?

  There's a tunnel there.

• 13:37Speaker 04

  Boom.

• 13:37Andrew Santino?

  Where does it go?

• 13:39Speaker 04

  Um, that was so fucking rude, but I blame your, um, what is it? Patchouli oil?

• 13:45Andrew Santino?

  That's a little patchouli in there.

• 13:46Speaker 04

  You know Marc Maron uses patchouli oil?

• 13:48Andrew Santino?

  You can smell him when he's coming down the hallway, the comedy store.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Walk the gates! Because he doesn't want you to smell his fucking patchouli oil.

• 13:55Speaker 04

  Sorry, Mark. I love you. I met him at, um, El Compadre once.

• 13:59Andrew Santino?

  Did you ever hook up with Mark? Somebody told me you hooked up with Mark. You did. You did.

• 14:04Speaker 04

  No.

• 14:05Andrew Santino?

  So, yeah?

• 14:06Speaker 04

  Let's just say, I locked the gate, and I met Obama.

• 14:12Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 14:13Speaker 04

  That's what he calls his penis.

• 14:14Andrew Santino?

  That's what Marc Maron calls his penis, Obama?

• 14:16Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's fucking wild.

• 14:17Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wanna get inside your pussy? Is that, that's kinda what it was?

• 14:22Speaker 04

  Do you have to have an Obama if you're from Chicago?

• 14:24Andrew Santino?

  I, I mean, maybe. I think so, just because of the pride that we have for

• 14:28Speaker 04

  You know, it's so cool.

• 14:28Andrew Santino?

  Our city and our people.

• 14:29Speaker 04

  You're like, it's cool that you're like, definitely like, the Chicago guy now. Like, you're like the golf guy. Like, I watch your golf show.

• 14:37Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 14:38Speaker 04

  And I know that, like, I know that, like, you're like in that world now, which is so cool. It used to be Nate Bargatze, and then he went to the White House, and everybody was like, uh-oh. But now it's like, but now it's like, you've always been, you're just more also like, I've seen you with like Travis Kelce, which is so cute, like, all the guys, like, you're, you're just like the fuck, you're so fun.

• 14:57Andrew Santino?

  I'm just trying to have fun.

• 14:58Speaker 04

  You're just trying to have fun, and that's all that matters in life. Live it up, suck it up, spark one up, burn one down.

• 15:03Andrew Santino?

  You have a lot of fun.

• 15:04Speaker 04

  My god, that's all.

• 15:05Andrew Santino?

  You're one of these people that I know that, you know, Adam has told me a lot about you, about the stuff that you get into, and I did hear that you also have a big, big heart. Now, your tits are huge, but your heart is even bigger. Cause what I've heard is

• 15:15Speaker 04

  Great book title.

• 15:16Andrew Santino?

  Tits are huge, heart's bigger. I've heard-

• 15:18Speaker 04

  I'm like a reverse Grinch.

• 15:21Andrew Santino?

  You give the gifts out. You don't, you don't steal.

• 15:24Speaker 04

  I put out the gifts under the tree, wink, wink.

• 15:25Andrew Santino?

  You're putting out a couple of gifts right now, and thank you for that.

• 15:28Speaker 04

  Call me Mark.

• 15:29Andrew Santino?

  Let's unwrap them.

• 15:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, I, I, I mean, Adam's a fun guy, too. Like, he, you guys are one of this-

• 15:36Andrew Santino?

  I've known him for a long time. He's a really wonderful guy. He's a very talented, funny comedian, but I will say-

• 15:43Speaker 04

  They just get like, they're-

• 15:43Andrew Santino?

  They get in the way.

• 15:45Speaker 04

  Can I be honest? I asked a doctor for Bs. He was like, did you say Gs?

• 15:49Andrew Santino?

  Those are Gs.

• 15:50Speaker 04

  Oh, they might be fucking triple Xs.

• 15:52Andrew Santino?

  I mean, the G forces out of those things gotta be incredible.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  They look like Vin Diesel's head.

• 15:56Andrew Santino?

  They kinda do.

• 15:57Speaker 04

  Have you heard his rap song?

• 15:58Andrew Santino?

  Vin? He raps?

• 16:01Speaker 04

  Diesel, not Baker, yeah.

• 16:02Andrew Santino?

  Oh, I had no idea.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, Vin Diesel raps. It's not great, but it's not bad. Here's the thing, Jamie Foxx sings, why can't Vin Diesel sing? Like, when actors wanna make the switch, Kevin Bacon has a band, David, um, DeCavney has a band, Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland has a band.

• 16:18Andrew Santino?

  And who's got the most, who's got the best band, though?

• 16:20Speaker 04

  I think the Bacon Brothers.

• 16:22Andrew Santino?

  Rick Moranis.

• 16:23Speaker 04

  Shut the fuck up.

• 16:24Andrew Santino?

  He has a great band. He has a band. He play in New York all the time.

• 16:26Speaker 04

  What are they called?

• 16:27Andrew Santino?

  What are they called?

• 16:28Speaker 04

  Honey, I Shrunk the Band.

• 16:29Speaker 05

  Recess Monkeys.

• 16:30Andrew Santino?

  Recess Monkeys. Home run. Absolute home run.

• 16:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's the Barry Bonds of bands, cause that's a home run.

• 16:37Andrew Santino?

  BBB.

• 16:37Speaker 04

  The Barry Bonds bands.

• 16:39Andrew Santino?

  I've heard that you are someone who is really kind with animals. You're a vegan or a vegetarian?

• 16:44Speaker 04

  I go back and forth. So, like, I had some salmon today.

• 16:47Andrew Santino?

  So, that's a pescatarian.

• 16:49Speaker 04

  Ooh, can you still say that?

• 16:51Andrew Santino?

  You can, I think. I'm sure.

• 16:52Speaker 04

  Carlos, look that up.

• 16:54Andrew Santino?

  That's not, that's, I don't think that's offensive at all.

• 16:56Speaker 04

  I like, like, look, I had a turkey burger yesterday. I had salmon today. I don't know if it's like my body changing on me, but I, I don't think I'll ever not eat meat. It's like the same way I don't think I'll ever not drink. I have friends that have gotten sober. I don't wanna say their names. Actually, you know what? Fuck it.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  Where's my, I'm calling you out, Cam?

• 17:18Andrew Santino?

  That one right there.

• 17:19Speaker 04

  So, my show on The Adam Ray Show on Netflix streaming now is called Kelly Calls It, and that's-

• 17:24Andrew Santino?

  Call it.

• 17:25Speaker 04

  Like, so, it's like my, like, hot take, you know, like-

• 17:28Andrew Santino?

  Call it.

• 17:29Speaker 04

  So, hey, guys, Kelly's calling it. Oh, shit. Is that Kelly? Sounds like she's calling it again. Um, hey, sober friends, you know who you are, Devin and Rob. So, recently you guys got sober. Oh, my god. Congrats on the lifestyle change.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  Not, that's a fart bomb, because you have blown up our friendship. You now are so tuned into everything. You read every blog, you tweet every article, and you don't have that little vice, that little voice in your head to be like, um, maybe don't suck the energy out of breakfast with all your aggressive stances on trans athletes, and maybe finish your fucking mimosa and tell everyone how you think Norbit is one of the most underrated comedies of the 2000s.

• 18:15Andrew Santino?

  And it really is.

• 18:16Speaker 04

  But you know what I'm saying?

• 18:17Andrew Santino?

  It really is.

• 18:17Speaker 04

  Like, in, like, people that get sober, and sorry, you don't have self-discipline and can't do everything in moderation, you don't have that voice to be like, breathe.

• 18:26Andrew Santino?

  Breathe.

• 18:27Speaker 04

  Smoke that joint, and instead of telling us how global warming and AI is gonna kill us all, tell us how you thought you once met Kevin Spacey at a Burger King.

• 18:36Andrew Santino?

  Did you?

• 18:37Speaker 04

  Guilty.

• 18:39Andrew Santino?

  Really? What was that conversation like?

• 18:40Speaker 04

  Oh, so quick. I go, oh, my god. I go, shut the fu, I'm so bad at like holding it in. I go, shut the fuck up. I'm sitting behind him. And I go, Kevin fucking Spacey's at BK. And he turned around, he was like...

• 18:54Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's what he did?

• 18:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, he just kinda looked like, it's me, surprise, like, I'm at BK. Like, where'd you think I was gonna be? Fucking KB Toys?

• 19:02Andrew Santino?

  Was he working there at Burger King?

• 19:04Speaker 04

  No, he was just snacking, macking.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  I don't know what he got either. He was in and out. I think he just got a drink, which is so weird. That's so suspect. When guys just get a drink, it's like Burger King, it's Whopper or chicken fries or-

• 19:19Andrew Santino?

  Or probably just the Whopper.

• 19:20Speaker 04

  You know what I'm not having? That I tell people I'm not having, but I'm having anyway?

• 19:24Andrew Santino?

  What?

• 19:25Speaker 04

  Taco Bell.

• 19:26Andrew Santino?

  Well, you're having it.

• 19:27Speaker 04

  Cause like, it's the same way I treat like car crashes. I go, it's not gonna be my fucking sedan.

• 19:32Andrew Santino?

  It's not gonna happen to me.

• 19:33Speaker 04

  Totally. So, when I eat at Chilupa, I go, my, my friend, can I call her out?

• 19:39Andrew Santino?

  Call her out. Go, Kelly calls it out.

• 19:40Speaker 04

  Sharice, hey, bitch. Here's my impression of Sharice. Don't eat the taco. Taco Bell lettuce.

• 19:46Andrew Santino?

  That's what she sounds like.

• 19:47Speaker 04

  She's a.

• 19:47Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 19:48Speaker 04

  She's a big girl.

• 19:49Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 19:50Speaker 04

  But she's always like, don't eat the Taco Bell lettuce. And I go, okay, I don't tell you how to fucking. She's like a big two-hander when she like gives BJ's and I'm always like, it's no hands or bust for me.

• 20:01Andrew Santino?

  So you tie your hand behind your back?

• 20:02Speaker 04

  Well, I let the guy.

• 20:04Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 20:05Speaker 04

  It's also like, it's fun to feel like you're being arrested.

• 20:07Andrew Santino?

  A little bit.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, like I'm not pro ICE, but like.

• 20:10Andrew Santino?

  You read your Miranda rights while you're giving head? That's kind of fun.

• 20:14Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 20:14Andrew Santino?

  You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used. I mean, wouldn't that be kind of fun?

• 20:18Speaker 04

  Andrew.

• 20:19Andrew Santino?

  No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm just saying.

• 20:20Speaker 04

  That's funny.

• 20:20Andrew Santino?

  I'm trying to influence you.

• 20:21Speaker 04

  No, I, well, I just like, I've never been to jail and it's like.

• 20:25Andrew Santino?

  I don't think, I don't think you want to go to jail.

• 20:26Speaker 04

  Have you been?

• 20:27Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I went to jail one time, yeah, for drunk in public, for being disorderly in public.

• 20:32Speaker 04

  Oh, God.

• 20:32Andrew Santino?

  Intoxicated.

• 20:35Speaker 04

  America loves to drink, but we also love to think about the drunk people. Once they get drunk, like what they're up to.

• 20:44Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 20:44Speaker 04

  And we're not good, like cops. Raise your hand if you've been at a house party and it's been shut down by popos.

• 20:51Andrew Santino?

  I mean, all of us.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Keep that hand raised if you were, if every time the popos walked in, you had nothing to do with why it was being shut down. And literally you're looking at the cops like, fucking really? You're not even like, I know that you work at the fucking Westfield Mall, Greg. You know?

• 21:05Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, I don't know.

• 21:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, sorry, you didn't have to keep your hand up for all that, but I just hate buzzkills. Like buzz balls, I'm open to, but buzz kills, I'm telling you, like, life is short. Like, you could get hit by a fucking Foster's Freeze truck tomorrow.

• 21:18Andrew Santino?

  You could. Are you okay?

• 21:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, I just have like these caffeine headaches from time to time.

• 21:24Andrew Santino?

  Put your, put a, put a hand up real fast. One, ready?

• 21:27Speaker 04

  Ooh, that feels like I'm on Judge Judy.

• 21:28Andrew Santino?

  You are.

• 21:29Speaker 04

  What a fucking spicy.

• 21:30Andrew Santino?

  Put a finger down if you've had a threesome.

• 21:32Speaker 04

  Huh?

• 21:32Andrew Santino?

  Put a finger down if you had a threesome.

• 21:34Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 21:34Andrew Santino?

  Put a finger down if you had a foursome.

• 21:35Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 21:36Andrew Santino?

  Put a finger down if you had a fivesome.

• 21:37Speaker 04

  Yay.

• 21:39Andrew Santino?

  Put a finger down if you've taken down an entire AFL football team before.

• 21:45Andrew Santino?

  Cause I've heard that you've done some damage overseas.

• 21:47Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, they call me. Well, I don't want to say what they call me.

• 21:51Andrew Santino?

  You can say it.

• 21:52Speaker 04

  Well, it's like a German thing. They call me.

• 21:55Andrew Santino?

  Well, I heard they call you Jelly Belly Kelly.

• 21:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 21:57Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because you got a jiggler.

• 21:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:59Andrew Santino?

  Cause you're a little bit thicker than, than you, now you're in great shape, but you're a little heavier.

• 22:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, I like, look. Do I eat Pop Tarts every day? No, but do I enjoy the occasional tub of Cool Whip? Yeah, I'm American. I'm sorry, don't sell it at the grocery store if you don't want me to fucking eat it.

• 22:16Andrew Santino?

  That's true.

• 22:17Speaker 04

  Um.

• 22:18Andrew Santino?

  You have any pets, Kelly?

• 22:21Speaker 04

  I didn't think you were gonna ask that.

• 22:23Andrew Santino?

  We can, we can disregard that question.

• 22:25Speaker 04

  Follow me on Instagram?

• 22:26Andrew Santino?

  I do follow you on Instagram. I, I don't keep up with all the posts, unfortunately.

• 22:29Speaker 04

  Foster a ferret. And it recently died.

• 22:33Andrew Santino?

  I apologize, I'm sorry.

• 22:34Speaker 04

  No, no, no, ferrets have like a life expectancy of like. Six months.

• 22:38Andrew Santino?

  Is that true? What was the ferret's name?

• 22:40Speaker 04

  Look that up. What's that?

• 22:42Speaker 05

  It's five to seven years.

• 22:43Andrew Santino?

  Five to seven years, so yours died quite early.

• 22:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:45Andrew Santino?

  Was there something that you did?

• 22:48Speaker 04

  It wasn't something that I did not do. So you're supposed to feed it every day?

• 22:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 22:53Speaker 04

  And I went away, I got, I met this guy. He was like, oh, my God, I have a place in Cabo. I'm a sucker for Cabo. Like, you want to get me to do anything, invest in an app? Ask, tell me you have a place in Cabo. And I'm like, like Carlos, do you have a, like, do you have a place in Cabo?

• 23:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, right on the marina.

• 23:11Andrew Santino?

  He does.

• 23:12Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. So like, okay, I'll see, tell my family, I'll see them for New Year's.

• 23:16Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow.

• 23:17Speaker 04

  I'm living with Carlos now. But so I just, I went away for too long, came back, I asked my friend Jed to watch it and he was like.

• 23:24Andrew Santino?

  Jed Bush?

• 23:25Speaker 04

  Yeah. And he was like. Ask Jenna Bush. I've known most of Bush's like my whole life.

• 23:30Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, how were you so plugged into politics?

• 23:33Speaker 04

  I don't know, I went to one RNC. And then, and then I went to a couple Kill Tonys. And then I went to, I met Chelsea Clinton at a rave. She's fucking a badass bitch.

• 23:47Andrew Santino?

  I've heard.

• 23:48Speaker 04

  So then I went to party with her and Hillary, who parties.

• 23:51Andrew Santino?

  Hard.

• 23:52Speaker 04

  Oh, my God. This is what is so crazy, like you look at Trump and again. I don't like, whatever, like, he's building a ballroom. RFK is wrestling rattlesnakes when he should be worrying about our carbohydrate intake. I don't like, I don't follow politics.

• 24:09Andrew Santino?

  It sounds like you do.

• 24:10Speaker 04

  But, but Hillary was like fucking DFW, like more than GW. And I've partied with him. But anyway, my point is Chelsea lived it up, had a great time. There's fun on both sides. There are some guys in politics that you're like, like Chris Christie, I'm like. Okay, what is all of that? Stephen Miller, like the guys that get caught with like child porn and other stuff, it's like, it's so easy. Like everyone was so sad when Lindsey Graham died and I was like, yeah, and like it did. You know, I was on my period, so like I saw Lindsey Graham died and I was like, oh, my God, I haven't go, haven't, haven't had Golden Grahams in forever. So I drove to the grocery store, I got a bunch of Golden Grahams.

• 24:49Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 24:49Speaker 04

  They had, came out with a new flavor, double, double chocolate chunk fudge. So like I'm eating Golden Grahams, I'm thinking about Lindsey Graham, and then I like typed in Lindsey Graham, how did he die? And then like Lindsey Graham, like, like. Crossdressing came up and then Kristi Noem's, Fuzzman's tits came up. There's scandals every day.

• 25:05Andrew Santino?

  There is.

• 25:06Speaker 04

  Like, it's almost like, who even runs the country? Because every day there's a new like, who's said it, who did it? What were we talking about?

• 25:17Andrew Santino?

  There was a rumor that you went to one of those iFly, those indoor skydiving machines with Pete Hegseth. Is there any validity to that?

• 25:22Speaker 04

  There's a little bit. I didn't want to go. Again, I met him at a bar and he was like really aggressive.

• 25:28Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 25:28Speaker 04

  As a joke, sometimes when I meet a guy at a bar that I recognize, I'll go, sixty dollars for an HJ, eighty dollars to listen to your stories, a hundred and twenty to meet your family. And I said this as a joke, right? Like I'm clearly not a stripper, like.

• 25:40Andrew Santino?

  Well.

• 25:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, I guess the fishnets.

• 25:42Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the top is, the top is a little bit provocative. I mean, I think it looks amazing.

• 25:45Speaker 04

  Northam Rack, but it is, it's in their provocative section.

• 25:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, provocative rack.

• 25:49Speaker 04

  Isn't that crazy? Northam Rack has a provocative section. Cause usually there's supposed to be like discounted shorts and jeggings.

• 25:56Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 25:56Speaker 04

  But now they're like, we gotta like, it's like the, it's like the guy, it's like your dad's friend who's like sixty-five, but he wears Abercrombie. That's what Northam Rack is.

• 26:04Andrew Santino?

  That's right.

• 26:04Speaker 04

  We've got a provocative section too.

• 26:06Andrew Santino?

  Ooh.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  For all the sleuthsies.

• 26:10Andrew Santino?

  Do you want to address it all? I don't know if you want to, but there was, you had a laser hair removal accident. Do you want to talk about that?

• 26:15Speaker 04

  I do. So we all have friends who have gone to Turkey, right? And.

• 26:21Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  And you know who they are, by the way.

• 26:24Andrew Santino?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:25Speaker 04

  Like, they do a good job.

• 26:26Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 26:27Speaker 04

  But it's fucking obvious.

• 26:28Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 26:29Speaker 04

  Whatever, but also congrats. But, but I had like, you know, there's spots on my body that just grow more than others, my knees. My vagina. My asshole, which that is the part that you, like you can wax that till the fucking cows come home. They'll like, you can wax it till the cows don't come home.

• 26:50Andrew Santino?

  Where are the cows?

• 26:51Speaker 04

  Who let the dogs out?

• 26:54Speaker 04

  Which one, which one, if you could answer, if you could figure out which one of those, would you figure out first?

• 26:59Andrew Santino?

  I'd rather know where the cows have been all day.

• 27:01Speaker 04

  I know.

• 27:02Andrew Santino?

  Where are you, where are you guys trekking off to? Cause the dogs have been outside looking for you. I let the dogs out to try to find the cows. Get them home. We need milk. I mean, it's gotten out of control.

• 27:15Speaker 04

  I'm trying really hard not to fucking laugh because that's really funny.

• 27:18Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 27:18Speaker 04

  Cause I've never heard somebody break down that, with that amount of like factual information, why the dogs got let out.

• 27:25Andrew Santino?

  Well, more than anything, I really want to.

• 27:26Speaker 04

  You just answered why.

• 27:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, the why.

• 27:29Speaker 04

  The song is who?

• 27:30Andrew Santino?

  No, I answered why.

• 27:31Speaker 04

  So you just completely matrix that shit?

• 27:33Andrew Santino?

  I answered why and when. I let them out this morning. And where? They're in my yard. And where are the cows? Where are the cows?

• 27:41Speaker 04

  This is really funny. I don't know if it's like for your stand-up, but it's funny.

• 27:44Andrew Santino?

  It's not, and I gotta tell you, Kelly. I'd like you to address the laser hair removal accident because I do think the press and the people want to know, because I think it was a big, big deal.

• 27:53Speaker 04

  I'm still in the middle of the lawsuit, so I don't want to say too much.

• 27:55Andrew Santino?

  It's like six hundred and fifty thousand dollar lawsuit.

• 27:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:58Andrew Santino?

  That's crazy.

• 27:59Speaker 04

  I, and I, I don't. I don't have that much money, so like the lawyer fee.

• 28:04Andrew Santino?

  You don't have to, that's not gonna work. You're whispering into the mic.

• 28:07Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 28:09Speaker 04

  I don't have that much money, so like.

• 28:10Andrew Santino?

  That's a lot of money.

• 28:11Speaker 04

  It's so much money and like I got the same lawyer who did the Elizabeth Holmes trial.

• 28:15Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:15Speaker 04

  Who got her off.

• 28:16Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 28:17Speaker 04

  Like literally like fingered her and then also like got her, so she's like, because they should have killed her. She made a fucking little machine where she was like. I can tell if you have cancer.

• 28:27Andrew Santino?

  Buy a prick of your blood.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  And Silicon Valley was like, "Oh, fuck yeah, dude."

• 28:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's what they, yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 04

  And they bought it.

• 28:37Andrew Santino?

  Thanos, yeah, Thanos.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, or, no, that's Marvel. No, but Thanos. It's the same shit.

• 28:44Andrew Santino?

  I think so.

• 28:44Speaker 04

  She named her fucking-

• 28:46Andrew Santino?

  I think her company's name was Thanos, yeah.

• 28:50Speaker 05

  I think, uh, Theranos is the real name.

• 28:52Andrew Santino?

  That's right, Thanos.

• 28:55Speaker 04

  Either way, Chris Hemsworth was not there.

• 28:58Andrew Santino?

  Not, no.

• 28:59Speaker 04

  But there was a Chris Hemsworth looking bailiff at the trial, which is still ongoing. It's like, they closed it, then they opened it. It's like my legs, but... So, okay, so I went there, I found it on this website, laser hair removal, turkey, 10% dot com, like, whatever. I used, you know Rick Glassman?

• 29:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 04

  So, he's always, he does ads in every pod.

• 29:22Andrew Santino?

  He does, yeah.

• 29:22Speaker 04

  I literally saw him at the bus stop in Santa Monica, and he was talking, he was looking straight ahead, and he was doing an ad for, like, Helix. And I was like, "Oh, I thought it was a bit," but he literally is always doing ads.

• 29:35Andrew Santino?

  He's doing ads, yeah.

• 29:36Speaker 04

  Yeah. I think it's because he got passed at the Comedy Store recently, and now he's, like, feeling himself. So he's like-

• 29:40Andrew Santino?

  How are you so in tune with the Comedy Store?

• 29:43Speaker 04

  I-

• 29:43Andrew Santino?

  I feel like you know a lot-

• 29:44Speaker 04

  I know Ryan Mervis.

• 29:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 29:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:46Andrew Santino?

  Did you guys used to date?

• 29:48Speaker 04

  Well, that's a loose term. He's like white queen Latifah, so yeah.

• 29:51Andrew Santino?

  He called you that.

• 29:53Speaker 04

  He called me what?

• 29:53Andrew Santino?

  A loose term.

• 29:55Speaker 04

  No, that's what Trump calls his presidency.

• 29:59Andrew Santino?

  That's good, Kelly.

• 29:59Speaker 04

  Clip it.

• 30:00Andrew Santino?

  Kelly, that's good.

• 30:01Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 30:02Andrew Santino?

  Kelly, I want to know a little bit more about you, because I don't know enough.

• 30:04Speaker 04

  So I said, "Take the hair off my knees, my pussy, and my butthole." Not in that order.

• 30:09Andrew Santino?

  You gotta go butthole last.

• 30:11Speaker 04

  No.

• 30:12Andrew Santino?

  So go pussy, knees, butthole. What smells worse, your knees or your butthole?

• 30:16Speaker 04

  What are you, my dad?

• 30:18Andrew Santino?

  Well, I could be.

• 30:18Speaker 04

  That was the last question he asked, uh, asked me before he left.

• 30:22Andrew Santino?

  He passed away?

• 30:25Speaker 04

  I was gonna say, "Before he walked out," but before he died, he goes, "What smells worse, your pussy or your butthole?" And I go, "How about where's the fucking, like, money you're leaving me?"

• 30:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 30:36Speaker 04

  So he didn't even give me a declarative statement. He just asked a question, and then I was like, "Can I use a lifeline?" And he was like-

• 30:43Andrew Santino?

  Phone a friend.

• 30:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:44Andrew Santino?

  And he died.

• 30:45Speaker 04

  Yeah. But, I mean, butthole for sure, but... So, too much hair, yada, yada, yada. And they specialized in hair removal, like, in like a one-stop shop, like, a lot of these procedures, you have to go, like, multiple days, and I go, "Can I just go all-in-one?" Like,

• 31:00Andrew Santino?

  Just knock it out.

• 31:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, just like, "Let me drive through and have you just fucking, you know, Ghostbuster proton back in my pussy."

• 31:10Speaker 04

  So-

• 31:12Andrew Santino?

  And that's what they say when they're doing it. They go, "I ain't afraid of no ghosts," as they're down there. I feel like that's a-

• 31:18Speaker 04

  So, it's so funny, because the guy did look like-

• 31:21Andrew Santino?

  Look, there's an Egon, right there. Did he really?

• 31:24Speaker 04

  Yeah. And when they cut it all off, one of the guys goes-

• 31:30Speaker 04

  I go, "Slamers in the house."

• 31:32Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey.

• 31:35Andrew Santino?

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• 32:18Andrew Santino?

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• 33:02Andrew Santino?

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• 33:45Andrew Santino?

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• 34:14Speaker 04

  So, they got it all off, but like, they, they went like, too hard on the last, on the butthole part.

• 34:20Andrew Santino?

  Oh, no.

• 34:21Speaker 04

  Like, to where it like, almost made a second butthole. Like, they sliced, I know, Carlos, this is like TMI HBO, but like, they like, got, it's like, I, it looks like I have a second one, which is so unattractive. No guy has ever been down there being like, "Can I eat your ass?" And then you go, "Yeah, do the second one first."

• 34:44Speaker 04

  You know what I'm saying?

• 34:45Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 34:45Speaker 04

  So, whatever. So, I'm suing, because like, I, it strictly says, well, it doesn't say you walk out with one, the same butt you had, but you made a second one, and I don't, like, it's like-

• 34:59Andrew Santino?

  You didn't want a second one.

• 35:00Speaker 04

  No, and I have to cover it up, like, and it's like, it hurts all the time. Sitting down right now is fine, because like, I know how to like-

• 35:06Andrew Santino?

  Shift your weight.

• 35:07Speaker 04

  You know, it's like, if you're doing a set, and you're like, in the Midwest, and like, they like, you're, or if you're in Alaska, and you're making fun of like, how they kill mooses out there.

• 35:15Andrew Santino?

  Do that.

• 35:15Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:16Andrew Santino?

  Okay.

• 35:16Speaker 04

  I went to Alaska with this guy. We went to Juneau and Anchorage, and like, I was like, "You guys kill moose so much out here, what are you afraid they're gonna beat you in a staring contest?" You know, like, just trying to be like, funny and playful. And one of the guys was like, "That's the way we eat our food, is to kill the mooses right between the eyes, and we eat them for dinner." And I was like, "Okay, can you just point me to the fucking pot? I have to shit, because of all the fish sticks I've eaten out here." So, anyway, so I'm suing them for $650,000, which I know is like, nothing if you like, go on Family Feud a thousand times and win the Showcase Showdown, but-

• 35:52Andrew Santino?

  Well, I'd like to say to most of our fans at home, please, can you guys log into, uh, letshelpkelly.org? Uh, we, we started like, a nonprofit, and to GoFundMe there to get Kelly some more money to fight this case.

• 36:01Speaker 04

  GoFundMe on my, um, LinkedIn. It's like, it's definitely, it's definitely appreciated. It's not, look, I don't like, you know, I'm not gonna fucking die, but if I don't get my fucking second asshole removed, but I'll, socially, like, it's been really hard.

• 36:18Andrew Santino?

  It's hard on you. Is the dating, dating world is hard?

• 36:21Speaker 04

  So, I met Tom Brady through a friend who works for Fanatics Fest.

• 36:26Andrew Santino?

  You're sleeping with Tom Brady?

• 36:27Speaker 04

  No, I mean, in the fucking nightclub dream I am.

• 36:29Andrew Santino?

  Oh, okay.

• 36:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, in a perfect world. Although I heard that guy's fucking, I heard he's kinda weird.

• 36:34Andrew Santino?

  Tom?

• 36:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, from MySpace. No, Tom Brady.

• 36:38Andrew Santino?

  What, how is he weird? I don't know. I've never heard any of this stuff.

• 36:40Speaker 04

  My friend Christine, like, said he hit on her, and said he was like, he's like, really, like, he's chill.

• 36:46Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 36:46Speaker 04

  But he's like, he just knows he's Tom Brady. Which, I'm like, fucking bitch, yeah, like, if I meet Brad Pitt, I want him to, to, to, to be like, "What's up?" I don't want him to be like-

• 37:01Speaker 04

  Like grab your titties.

• 37:02Andrew Santino?

  He's a minion now, huh?

• 37:04Speaker 04

  Well, I don't do voices, but like, I just want him to be like, be the guy.

• 37:08Andrew Santino?

  Be the guy.

• 37:09Speaker 04

  So anyway, so he was supposed to invite me to the, um, the white party. And at first I was like, fucking super racist, which that's my new thing now when people say things and it's not racist. I say that's racist, so they think you're being racist. What say, what's, let's just, um, tell me.

• 37:23Andrew Santino?

  I played basketball on the blacktop yesterday.

• 37:26Speaker 04

  Whoa, racist.

• 37:29Speaker 04

  Right?

• 37:29Andrew Santino?

  Right. Um, you know, uh, uh, that's very white of you.

• 37:34Speaker 04

  Whoa, but well, that actually is racist.

• 37:36Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is.

• 37:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:36Andrew Santino?

  That one's actually racist.

• 37:38Speaker 04

  Is there, um, is there something about living in LA that you like? Because I wanna, I've been here for now, like, going on like 14 years. And I just, I wanna, I wanna eat, pray, love it. Do you and your gal ever wanna do that? Do you guys ever wanna just pick up and like, go to like Beirut or?

• 37:56Andrew Santino?

  My wife and I.

• 37:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, like.

• 37:58Andrew Santino?

  Well, I do think Eat, Pray, Love was a kind of a journey of a singular woman's story about finding herself without a part.

• 38:03Speaker 04

  Did you watch it?

• 38:05Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 38:05Speaker 04

  It's not, it's not Julia's best, but it's like, it's also like, it's Julius, it's Julius. Aside from Pretty Woman, where Richard Gere is just like, hey, as soon as I get this dribble out of my asshole, fucking, fuck. I haven't seen it, but Julia goes, she's, it's promiscuous city and she's the mayor, which you love. You love. I love Julia Roberts.

• 38:28Andrew Santino?

  Yes.

• 38:28Speaker 04

  I love when she's just like full, like in America's Sweethearts, she's like, you know, um, Catherine Zeta-Jones is like sister. And she's like, I used to be a hundred and fifty pound, or no. She used to be a fat bitch and she, and then she like lost all the weight. And then John Cusack is Catherine Zeta-Jones. By the way, this is when your audience is shutting the fucking episode off. They're like, is this bitch really describing the pot of America's Sweethearts?

• 38:52Andrew Santino?

  Well, people might not see it, they might wanna know.

• 38:53Speaker 04

  It's one of Billy Crystal's best movies. Anyways, with a Z. Favorite movie of all time, Coyote Ugly.

• 39:01Andrew Santino?

  That's a really good movie.

• 39:02Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, I met Piper Parabu once at the Grove and I was just like, bitch. And she turned, which was.

• 39:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, you yelled bitch.

• 39:10Speaker 04

  But it's also like, it's a fun game to play, cause like, someone always turns. And it's like, did you think that was like a term of endearment? Or did you think that was like, I was, that, do you think you're a bitch? And you knew, have you done something at the Grove worthy of being a bitch?

• 39:23Andrew Santino?

  And was it, was it supposed to be a term of endearment or?

• 39:25Speaker 04

  It is for me.

• 39:27Andrew Santino?

  Right, so if I say, if I call you a bitch, it's love.

• 39:29Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, yeah.

• 39:30Andrew Santino?

  Like you're, Kelly, you're a dumb bitch.

• 39:31Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 39:32Andrew Santino?

  Like, I actually think you're a stupid, fat, dumb bitch.

• 39:34Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 39:35Andrew Santino?

  And you love it.

• 39:36Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, wow. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but, and words won't.

• 39:40Andrew Santino?

  You need a lot of sticks and stones to break some of your bones.

• 39:42Speaker 04

  Well, my step, my stepmom growing up.

• 39:44Andrew Santino?

  Big bones.

• 39:45Speaker 04

  Well, yeah, big bones, big bones, Game of Thrones, who said that?

• 39:49Andrew Santino?

  Peter Jackson?

• 39:50Speaker 04

  No, nobody, I just made it up now.

• 39:51Andrew Santino?

  Oh.

• 39:53Andrew Santino?

  You've got, you've got so much inside of you, so much like light.

• 39:56Speaker 04

  I know, talk to the Dallas Mavericks. About how much I've got inside of me. Let's see, Rafe LaFrance, Jamal Mashburn, Jim Jackson, Steve Nash's friend.

• 40:07Andrew Santino?

  So is it?

• 40:09Speaker 04

  Carlos is an NBA guy, so I knew he'd like that.

• 40:12Andrew Santino?

  So it's a lot of older players that you like to sleep with.

• 40:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, black don't crack, but they're, yeah, like they're older.

• 40:19Andrew Santino?

  Black don't crack and Asian.

• 40:21Speaker 04

  Oh, I always wanna find one for this.

• 40:23Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 40:24Speaker 04

  What is it though? Cause they, historically, Asian men are, look younger, I think than black men, right?

• 40:31Andrew Santino?

  I think Asian men, uh, uh.

• 40:34Speaker 04

  Like you, except for to tell the age.

• 40:35Andrew Santino?

  They all look the same age.

• 40:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, and white guys are pretty like, you can tell.

• 40:39Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. Are you white? What are you, Kelly?

• 40:41Speaker 04

  Well, so 10% Native American, 15% Hasidic. Um, I mean, you know, 47%, you know, maverick.

• 40:55Andrew Santino?

  Uh, half the team.

• 40:57Speaker 04

  You know, it's so funny, and this is like, maybe TMI HBO, but like. So Steve Nash's friend, Steve Nash picked him up, which was, so I got to like wave from the window.

• 41:08Andrew Santino?

  Oh, nice.

• 41:09Speaker 04

  Hi.

• 41:09Andrew Santino?

  This is in Phoenix or in Dallas?

• 41:12Speaker 04

  So getting banged by a Mavericks friend, and guess what movie was on in the background?

• 41:20Andrew Santino?

  Debbie Does Dallas.

• 41:21Speaker 04

  No. Uh, Jodie Foster, Mel Gibson and, um.

• 41:26Andrew Santino?

  Passion of the Christ.

• 41:27Speaker 04

  James Garner. No, Jodie Foster, Mel Gibson, James Garner.

• 41:30Andrew Santino?

  Chocolate lot.

• 41:32Speaker 04

  So I was getting fucked by a maverick while watching.

• 41:35Andrew Santino?

  Top Gun Maverick.

• 41:37Speaker 04

  Take the first part off.

• 41:39Andrew Santino?

  Maverick.

• 41:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, you've never seen that?

• 41:40Andrew Santino?

  No, I don't, I don't watch movies.

• 41:42Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, Carlos, have you seen Maverick?

• 41:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's from the nineties, yeah.

• 41:47Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 41:48Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that was a little insulting. You said it as if like she's old or something.

• 41:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 41:51Speaker 05

  Oh, no, I'm probably around your same age, so.

• 41:53Speaker 04

  Oh, hell, yeah.

• 41:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:54Speaker 04

  Where do you, do you have like a local dive bar around here that you like to go to? Cause like.

• 41:57Andrew Santino?

  He's sober.

• 41:58Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:59Speaker 04

  But you can go, is it, but you can go and like hang, right?

• 42:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm California sober, so we can do drugs in the bathroom.

• 42:04Speaker 04

  Oh, I love that. That's, again, like, the California sober thing is so like, it's like a loophole. Which I know a little bit about, cause I've got two of them.

• 42:12Andrew Santino?

  You do. You do.

• 42:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 42:15Andrew Santino?

  And, and, and now are you still on the hunt for love, Kelly?

• 42:20Speaker 04

  I, I'm afraid of getting my heart broken, if I'm being honest.

• 42:23Andrew Santino?

  I don't like to hear that. That makes me sad.

• 42:25Speaker 04

  Anytime I watch a rom com, even though they like end in a sweet way, like there's always somebody getting hurt. Like Something Borrowed with Jennifer Goodwin and Kate Hudson, like, somebody gets hurt, like even.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  Even porn's like, you just feel bad, cause like, someone's having to just film it. And how sad is that?

• 42:45Andrew Santino?

  You feel bad for the people that are shooting the pornography.

• 42:47Speaker 04

  Oh, my God, yeah.

• 42:48Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 42:48Speaker 04

  Cause you know, they're just beating off to what they're watching later. So all they're doing is standing there hard, cause there's no girl cinematographer is important, right?

• 42:56Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, there probably is in this day and age. I would imagine that they've, they've, you know, but I, I, I would argue that you're looking at it the wrong way, Kelly. It's like you, they're, they get to, uh, they get to see how the sausage is made, so to speak.

• 43:08Speaker 04

  I know, I mean, I saw, I had a friend go to USC and I got to like go down to the front row and they filmed two different adult films at Pi Cap. And let's just say, there was no cap on that fucking day of work. I talked to one of the guys, I go, aren't you wearing, I go, do you wear a condom? And he goes, why would I wear a fucking condom? And I was like, I don't know, STDs?

• 43:29Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 43:30Speaker 04

  And he goes Carpe Diem, and I go, not where you're supposed to use that.

• 43:34Andrew Santino?

  But he is in the Greek system, so that does make sense.

• 43:36Speaker 04

  It does, yeah, but they just let it, they let it. That guy, like, and I almost dated a guy who was doing softcore, but like, again, like, you don't wanna, he's just, he's seen too much. If I do meet a guy and it hopefully won't be in LA, I'd like to go to Scottsdale, maybe meet a guy, like a golf guy. Do you know any golf buddies?

• 43:55Andrew Santino?

  Sure, I know some people out there in Scottsdale. I mean, you, you feel a little bit more Miami, perhaps.

• 44:00Speaker 04

  Oh, shit, Enrique Iglesias or Marceau Hernandez.

• 44:03Andrew Santino?

  They're all down there.

• 44:05Speaker 04

  It's always like the spicy guys, right? What about your Korean friend? Is he, uh, single?

• 44:09Andrew Santino?

  Who?

• 44:10Speaker 04

  Your, what's the potato guy?

• 44:13Andrew Santino?

  Bobby?

• 44:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 44:14Andrew Santino?

  He's not, he's actually seeing somebody. Are you interested?

• 44:17Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, I've never, that's the only one I haven't done.

• 44:19Andrew Santino?

  Korean. Wow.

• 44:22Speaker 04

  We, what is that, what's from Lady and the Tramp, the Siamese cats?

• 44:25Andrew Santino?

  We are Siamese if you please.

• 44:26Speaker 04

  Meow. I always think of Bobby Lee when I hear that song.

• 44:29Andrew Santino?

  We are Bobby Lee, if you please.

• 44:34Andrew Santino?

  We are Bobby Lee, if you don't please. Right.

• 44:38Speaker 04

  Oh, so you have seen movies?

• 44:40Andrew Santino?

  I've watched a few, yeah, I am a fan.

• 44:42Speaker 04

  What's your favorite cartoon of all time?

• 44:45Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Steamboat Willie, the original Mickey Mouse cartoon.

• 44:47Speaker 04

  So good.

• 44:48Andrew Santino?

  That's one of my favorites.

• 44:49Speaker 04

  It's a silent, it's like a silent movie, right?

• 44:52Andrew Santino?

  It's a silent film.

• 44:53Speaker 04

  So funny.

• 44:53Andrew Santino?

  It's a great movie. Um, I take you as somebody and, and tell me that I'm incorrect, cause I don't wanna like step. I don't wanna overstep or offend you.

• 45:02Speaker 04

  You're perfect, you honestly can't, I have such thick skin, literally, and also like.

• 45:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's a condition that you told me you had, you have quite thick skin. It's about four inches of skin.

• 45:12Speaker 04

  It's extra, it's like, you know how like a, a python will like shed? I just keep it. It's almost like extra fat for the winter. So every time I eat a chicken pot pie, I'm thinking, okay, probably not good, but it's, cause there's like 90 grams of fat, but it's a good fat.

• 45:26Andrew Santino?

  It's gotta be more than that.

• 45:27Speaker 04

  It probably is, Marie Callenders, it's like 145. Sometimes I read that on the back and I go, what am I doing?

• 45:32Andrew Santino?

  You can't read those, you just gotta, like the Stouffer's, you just gotta eat them.

• 45:35Speaker 04

  Oh, I love Stouffer's.

• 45:36Andrew Santino?

  Me too.

• 45:36Speaker 04

  What do you think that guy is right now?

• 45:38Andrew Santino?

  Bob Stouffer?

• 45:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:39Andrew Santino?

  He died in a tragic plane crash.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Jesus.

• 45:41Andrew Santino?

  He was delivering pizzas to kids in, in Sub-Saharan Africa from a plane.

• 45:45Speaker 04

  God.

• 45:46Andrew Santino?

  So pizza plane crashed. But the best part was the heat from the fire from the engines. Everyone got cooked pizza that day.

• 45:53Speaker 04

  All the pizza.

• 45:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, so it's kinda nice.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  You know, my favorite pizza commercial of all time is?

• 45:57Andrew Santino?

  Uh, pizza, pizza.

• 46:00Speaker 04

  Close second?

• 46:00Andrew Santino?

  Caesar's?

• 46:01Speaker 04

  Um, uh, Tombstone.

• 46:03Andrew Santino?

  Oh, what do you want on your tombstone?

• 46:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, because it's the most gangster commercial of all time. Literally a guy is on his knees at a, in the fucking like colonial times, and a guy has a gun and he's holding it between his eyes and he goes, Last words, motherfucker? And he goes.

• 46:20Speaker 04

  And he goes, "What do you want in a tombstone bitch?" And the guy goes, "Pepperoni and cheese." And then they cut to a tombstone logo.

• 46:28Andrew Santino?

  Well.

• 46:29Speaker 04

  And you're like, wow, that's basically insinuating if you're about to get your fucking brains blown out, that you're thinking about their pizza.

• 46:35Andrew Santino?

  Well, some people are when they're about to die. Like, what would your last meal be? I mean, when you're on your deathbed, what's your last meal?

• 46:43Speaker 04

  Chicken Caesar wrap from Goop.

• 46:49Andrew Santino?

  So you're a big Postmates girl.

• 46:50Speaker 04

  Oh, my god. I'll Postmates a fucking Slurpee if it's 2:00 PM.

• 46:53Andrew Santino?

  Wow.

• 46:54Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. You know, one time I Postmated a Slurpee. I was high as fucking balls. This is a true story. I was living on Laurel Avenue. And I Postmated a Slurpee. This is a true story. And you lived around there for a bit, right?

• 47:05Andrew Santino?

  I did. I lived on Laurel.

• 47:06Speaker 04

  So I Postmated a Slurpee and I was living there, true story. And the fucking guy pulled up and I was sitting on my couch by myself. And, you know, yada, yada, yada, like, waiting for my Slurpee, developing a severe case of cotton mouth. This is pre-two bubble, pre-two buttholes. And I'm sitting there and sometimes you just get a Postmates driver that's like, "I don't want to fucking finish the job." And you're, it's almost like a guy who's, has to be a hitman and he gets cold feet. But this guy was just fucking lazy. And I go, and I see the car, you know, when you're high and the car's like going like this, you're like, it's like a video game. You're like, ooh, car's getting closer, you know? And that's on my streets, on Laurel Avenue. And I'm sitting there and six minutes go by and I go,

• 47:50Speaker 04

  "Yo, where's my fucking Slurpee?" True story. And he texts back, "Come and get it," not joking. And I fucking text back, "Bring it to the, here's the fucking code, punch it in and bring it to the fucking front door of Laurel Gardens."

• 48:06Andrew Santino?

  Right.

• 48:07Speaker 04

  Shout out.

• 48:07Andrew Santino?

  Shout out.

• 48:08Speaker 04

  And he goes, "Come and get it." And I go, "Bring it to the fucking door, please, capital P." And I'm not fucking joking, he sent me a picture of the Slurpee knocked over on the curb.

• 48:23Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 48:24Speaker 04

  Swear to fucking god. Slurpee cap off, Slurpee like, like dripping.

• 48:29Andrew Santino?

  So this was Slurpee gate?

• 48:31Speaker 04

  Yeah. And I was like,

• 48:34Speaker 04

  you know, yeah, I could get in the car or bird scooter to the 7-Eleven, but you just sometimes you get so baked, you're like, I can't fucking drive.

• 48:41Andrew Santino?

  It's too far. You don't want to drive.

• 48:42Speaker 04

  Dude, I once got so high, I watched the whole movie on mute and I thought I was going deaf. So it's like, I'm not someone to be trusted on edibles.

• 48:49Andrew Santino?

  Right. Have you ever done edibles and gone to a baseball game or seen a movie with friends?

• 48:54Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah. I went to game four, five and six of the World Series last year. High as fuck.

• 48:58Andrew Santino?

  On edibles?

• 48:58Speaker 04

  Oh, my god.

• 48:59Andrew Santino?

  Have you ever seen, do you like to go see movies on edibles?

• 49:01Speaker 04

  No, because I like to, I like to just like, I want to, I want to remember it because I'm in these like, I'm in these chat rooms, chat rooms and these, well, they feel, someone said, "Feel this."

• 49:09Andrew Santino?

  They're kind of a little groomy, yeah.

• 49:11Speaker 04

  Yeah. Um, chat rooms, chat rooms, group texts, group book clubs. I'm in all the, I'm in so many hangs where the move, where you want to like, add to it. Because we've all been in a book club where like, you sit down and you're like, "Nikki, did you read the book?" And he's like, "Yeah, chapter five was awesome." And you're like, "Oh, wow, I guess, I guess we have to kick you out of book club now."

• 49:36Andrew Santino?

  Because he's a liar.

• 49:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, and he's just like, he was one of those guys that like got sober and became a life coach.

• 49:43Andrew Santino?

  Oh, wow.

• 49:44Speaker 04

  It's like, "You were in rehab six months ago. I don't think you're gonna help me do my taxes."

• 49:49Andrew Santino?

  Right, slow down.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Slow down, yeah.

• 49:51Andrew Santino?

  Now, when you say taxes, you're someone I think would be really good with finances. Are you someone who has our finances in order?

• 49:58Speaker 04

  Eighty-five K.

• 49:59Andrew Santino?

  Well, that's, that was, your breasts were eighty-five thousand dollars?

• 50:02Speaker 04

  I know. I got them like, there's all, now there's so many doctors that do it.

• 50:07Andrew Santino?

  Well, is that silicone or is it the other one?

• 50:09Speaker 04

  I mean, what does it look like?

• 50:12Andrew Santino?

  Well, move the mic away and let me see. Go ahead.

• 50:16Andrew Santino?

  I mean, they look real to me.

• 50:18Speaker 04

  Oh, they're as real as fucking Chinese chicken, the chickadee Chinese, or what, what is that song? Bury Nickel Ladies.

• 50:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 50:26Speaker 04

  Chickadee Chinese, the Chinese, it's as real as that.

• 50:28Andrew Santino?

  You have an A.

• 50:29Speaker 04

  But I, I don't know. I don't, I'm not a, I'm not a big like, save my money girl.

• 50:36Andrew Santino?

  Right. Spend your, you're a spend your money girl. Carlos is the same way. He's a spend, spend your money girl.

• 50:41Speaker 04

  You like to what? You like to save, save, save?

• 50:43Andrew Santino?

  I put it away for a couple of rainy days. It doesn't rain often in LA, so I'd like to put it away.

• 50:47Speaker 04

  What do you, yeah, but I've like, I've seen like your, like your close fit your body, like you're out there on the golf course with like, TCX or whatever the fuck.

• 50:54Andrew Santino?

  Who's that? I don't even know.

• 50:55Speaker 04

  I don't know.

• 50:55Andrew Santino?

  TCX?

• 50:56Speaker 04

  What's the, what's the main company? Who, does any, well, maybe you don't say, because that, do you have a sponsorship yet?

• 51:01Andrew Santino?

  I don't have a sponsor.

• 51:02Speaker 04

  Oh, this is fucking wild. How have they not approached you? Wait, I talked to someone recently that told me you were gonna like do some, was it like a, maybe I can't even say, like a drink or something?

• 51:13Andrew Santino?

  Maybe.

• 51:14Speaker 04

  Is that a real thing?

• 51:15Andrew Santino?

  I might.

• 51:16Speaker 04

  For real?

• 51:17Andrew Santino?

  I might. I'm working on it, yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 04

  I talked to, I'll tell you after who I talked to.

• 51:20Andrew Santino?

  So you, you're really plugged into my world. It seems as if you've kind of like,

• 51:25Speaker 04

  Well, you stay a day, what's the saying? You stay a day in LA, stay a year in anyone's house. It's like,

• 51:30Andrew Santino?

  That's a common phrase.

• 51:31Speaker 04

  It's, everyone knows everyone. The world is so fucking small. Go to any Dave and Buster's, go to a glory hole, go to a KFC. You'll meet someone that knows your friend Dave.

• 51:42Andrew Santino?

  Can I name some people and you tell me if you know them in your relationship that you might have with them?

• 51:46Speaker 04

  Yeah, I love this game.

• 51:47Andrew Santino?

  Okay. Jay Leno.

• 51:49Speaker 04

  Yeah. I saw Jay Leno at the Comedy Store.

• 51:52Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, that's, he's there a lot.

• 51:53Speaker 04

  He goes, "Apparently they said, um, apparently they just came out with a new study. Oh, you hear about that? Yeah, about that." I love when he still does, "You hear about this?" Because Kevin's not there, but there's always a black guy at the Comedy Store, so he just basically looks at the black guy and goes, "You're Kevin Eubanks." And so he goes, um, and I'm always like, "That's racist." And he goes, but it is. So he'll go, um, "You hear about that? Yeah, about that, Kevin." The black guy's always like, "I'm fucking, my name's, you know, fucking."

• 52:16Andrew Santino?

  What is his name?

• 52:17Speaker 04

  Jason.

• 52:17Andrew Santino?

  Jason, yeah.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  So he goes, "Apparently it came out with a new study that said, um, marijuana smoke, you smoke marijuana."

• 52:25Speaker 04

  You smoke marijuana and apparently it can, uh, uh, help, uh, treat your IBS. Yeah, it can, marijuana, you smoke a little bit of marijuana, it can treat your IBS. Yeah, yeah. Boy, it sounded like it's blowing smoke up your ass to me.

• 52:36Andrew Santino?

  Oh, that's good.

• 52:37Speaker 04

  And I was in the back fucking dying. And then Dean Del Rey came on and he was like, "You ever get on a fucking motorcycle and you're next to a guy?" And he's like, "Get on the back." And you go, "I'm not going nuts to butts to you."

• 52:54Speaker 04

  I love the Comedy Store.

• 52:56Andrew Santino?

  Do you go a lot?

• 52:57Speaker 04

  I, oh, my god. As much as I can. I saw, again, Ryan Murphy sticks me up. I saw Sebastian. He was like,

• 53:05Speaker 04

  "Went out to dinner at this restaurant. Maybe you've heard of it, Applebee's. We sit down. It's cold, I know. I don't even see it at the table because I know my wife is gonna want to get up and go."

• 53:24Speaker 04

  And there's, I mean, there's,

• 53:25Andrew Santino?

  So many.

• 53:26Speaker 04

  There was a jo, like, it was funny. Like, I'm not doing it justice.

• 53:29Andrew Santino?

  What's your relationship with Adam Ray?

• 53:31Speaker 04

  I thought you were gonna say with David Justice. I was gonna say, check my fucking diaphragm.

• 53:35Andrew Santino?

  Great ball player.

• 53:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:37Andrew Santino?

  Atlanta Braves.

• 53:38Speaker 04

  That Atlanta Braves team is my favorite, one of my favorite teams of all time, Sid Breen, Fermer Giff. But what were you gonna ask? My relationship with who?

• 53:43Andrew Santino?

  So good.

• 53:45Speaker 04

  Oh, Adam Ray.

• 53:45Andrew Santino?

  Around the same era was also, you know.

• 53:47Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 53:47Andrew Santino?

  The Oakland A's, Ruben Sierra, Mark McGuire.

• 53:51Speaker 04

  Certain baseball names sometimes sound like sexual positions to me, or sexual things you could like, I used to do this fun game.

• 53:56Andrew Santino?

  Gave me a Mark McGuire yesterday.

• 53:57Speaker 04

  Oh, fuck. This is why, this is why you're always, you're DTC, down to clown.

• 54:05Andrew Santino?

  I am down to clown.

• 54:06Speaker 04

  You're always in the bit boat. Like, you ever be at a party and you're like in the bit boat?

• 54:10Andrew Santino?

  You're just rowing.

• 54:11Speaker 04

  And your friend's like drowning, but they're trying to like, they're like trying to add and you're like, "Just fucking sink."

• 54:17Andrew Santino?

  Just sink.

• 54:17Speaker 04

  Kate Winslet.

• 54:18Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 54:19Speaker 04

  But, um, no, uh, we used to do this game on road trips. Where we go, name a baseball player and then you have to, somebody would name the player and then the other person had to say what that sexual position or thing was that you paid a dwarf to do to you in Vegas. So like, Marquis Grissom, what are you getting for a Marquis Grissom?

• 54:35Andrew Santino?

  What's a Grissom?

• 54:36Speaker 04

  Well, a Marquis Grissom. Remember? He was on the Expos?

• 54:38Andrew Santino?

  I know, yeah, but what is a Marquis Grissom?

• 54:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:40Andrew Santino?

  A, a Grissom feels like, um, when you overcook, uh, short ribs and you slather the burns all over your body. Um, and then you have someone lick them off while they're on top of you.

• 54:52Speaker 04

  Awesome.

• 54:52Andrew Santino?

  That's a Marquis Grissom.

• 54:53Speaker 04

  Awesome. Give me one.

• 54:54Andrew Santino?

  Uh, Jose Oquendo.

• 54:56Speaker 04

  Give me another one. I don't know who that is.

• 55:00Andrew Santino?

  Jose Oquendo? One of the greatest utility players of all time.

• 55:03Speaker 04

  On the Chicago Cubs?

• 55:04Andrew Santino?

  He was, no, no, no, but he was a, he was probably one, look up Jose Oquendo.

• 55:07Speaker 05

  Yeah, he's from Puerto Rico.

• 55:09Andrew Santino?

  One of the greatest,

• 55:09Speaker 04

  I don't need to bring race into this, but I was gonna say like,

• 55:12Andrew Santino?

  You didn't need to say that.

• 55:12Speaker 04

  That's racist.

• 55:13Andrew Santino?

  You did not need to say where he's from. And honestly?

• 55:16Speaker 04

  Oquendo, we could kind of decipher.

• 55:19Andrew Santino?

  Well, can you? Because it could have been something, I mean, it seems like it could be vague.

• 55:23Speaker 04

  Oh, wait, it sounds like, um,

• 55:24Andrew Santino?

  I'll give you another one.

• 55:24Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 55:25Andrew Santino?

  You ready?

• 55:26Speaker 04

  Like, you know, like the Mariners had a player named Henri Cotto, or like Todd Zeal, or like Gary Gaetti. Like, give me a Gary Gaetti. What are you doing? I mean, that's clearly just, he's fucking coming out of his chest, yeah. But give me a name.

• 55:37Andrew Santino?

  Uh, I'll give you a good one. Let me think of really, Tim Raines. Tim the Rock Raines.

• 55:43Speaker 04

  Oh, he was the Rock Raines, right? He was the rock before DJ Johnson.

• 55:47Andrew Santino?

  That's exactly right. He stole that name. Tim the Rock Raines.

• 55:50Speaker 04

  By the way, what a funny accusation. Dwayne the Rock Johnson stole Tim Raines's nickname. Funny, um,

• 55:57Andrew Santino?

  Hoots of Tim Raines, because that sounds great. It sounds like a porn name.

• 55:59Speaker 04

  So Tim Raines is, no relation to Dallas Raines, the fucking LA weatherman.

• 56:04Andrew Santino?

  True.

• 56:04Speaker 04

  Who I saw at Superior at Rhino once and he had the whole private booth to himself.

• 56:08Andrew Santino?

  Yes, tonight it will rain here in the club.

• 56:11Speaker 04

  Is, oh, clip it. Andrew, that's so fucking funny.

• 56:15Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 56:15Speaker 04

  Rain in the club. Fuck, all right. Okay, Tim Raines, that is where you, a guy, takes the condom off.

• 56:25Andrew Santino?

  Uh-oh.

• 56:26Speaker 04

  And then throws it in the air. And it gets caught in the ceiling fan. But he already nutted in it. And so all the jizz just falls on.

• 56:38Andrew Santino?

  That's the Tim Rains.

• 56:42Andrew Santino?

  Have you had that happen?

• 56:43Speaker 04

  And then he gets done and does the Tim Tebow.

• 56:49Andrew Santino?

  How about an Aronato? Have you ever had an Aronato? A Nolan Aronato?

• 56:52Speaker 04

  Oh my god, yeah. I had Jamba Juice.

• 56:55Andrew Santino?

  You've had one of those?

• 56:55Speaker 04

  They have a, well, if you go to the one in St. Louis, they have like, you know how the way like Miley Cyrus used to have her own milkshakes at millions of milkshakes on Santa Monica Boulevard?

• 57:02Andrew Santino?

  I remember.

• 57:03Speaker 04

  It was like, get the Miley. And like, yeah. And, you know, it's really fucked up. One time, I go, they go, have you decided on a milkshake? And I go, give me the Miley Cyrus. And the girl goes, uh. And I was like, don't cancel me. But, um, um, what other baseball, okay, let's just do one more, then we can stop.

• 57:21Andrew Santino?

  You want me to give you an obscure name? What do you want?

• 57:25Speaker 04

  I don't know. Do you like your name?

• 57:27Andrew Santino?

  Andrew Santino?

• 57:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 57:29Andrew Santino?

  I think so.

• 57:29Speaker 04

  It flows.

• 57:30Andrew Santino?

  Do you like it?

• 57:31Speaker 04

  I love it. I like the, like, I like the names that, like, short names scare me. Like-

• 57:36Andrew Santino?

  Adam Ray.

• 57:38Speaker 04

  Grr.

• 57:38Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 57:39Speaker 04

  Like-

• 57:40Andrew Santino?

  I like that.

• 57:40Speaker 04

  Do you hate syllables?

• 57:42Andrew Santino?

  Well, he must. His, well, I mean, how well do you know Adam, by the way?

• 57:46Speaker 04

  Decently. I wouldn't hook up with him, because I'm just like-

• 57:49Andrew Santino?

  Well, he's married to a beautiful woman. He has a family.

• 57:51Speaker 04

  I would not try to fuck that up. His wife is fucking stunning. Like, I'm always like-

• 57:56Andrew Santino?

  No offense to you, I'm just saying, like, he would never go, you're not some, even if he was single, I don't think he would date you.

• 58:00Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, yeah.

• 58:01Andrew Santino?

  I don't think he would even hook up with you. I don't even think he'd entertain the idea of you flirting with him.

• 58:04Speaker 04

  I think back in the day, he would have.

• 58:06Andrew Santino?

  I don't think so at all. I've known him for a long time.

• 58:07Speaker 04

  Okay, um, TMI, HBO.

• 58:10Andrew Santino?

  He's just always had a really, really good taste in women, and I always feel like he chooses women that are classy, intelligent, cool.

• 58:18Speaker 04

  Right. Um, okay, I feel like I'm getting Todd Zealed right now.

• 58:23Andrew Santino?

  Todd Zealed?

• 58:24Speaker 04

  Great one. Todd Zealed. That's where you just get fucking body shamed.

• 58:27Andrew Santino?

  Just body shamed.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  No, that's a body veneer.

• 58:28Andrew Santino?

  That's a veneer.

• 58:29Speaker 04

  That's a body veneer.

• 58:30Andrew Santino?

  Body veneer. You got bodied veneer.

• 58:31Speaker 04

  Body by veneer. He comes out and body by Jake Susan for $650,000, and I go, oh, that's the same that it costs me to remove my asshole.

• 58:40Andrew Santino?

  Which you need to get done. So please donate to Kelly Needs Money.

• 58:43Speaker 04

  Put the link in my LinkedIn, but you have to follow me on LinkedIn. I need to stop using LinkedIn.

• 58:46Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you're gonna keep using it. Well, are you working right now? How are you making money?

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Flemings, I got fired. I got like a real, I got lippy with the head chef.

• 58:53Andrew Santino?

  But I heard you were a bar back. You weren't even a bartender. You had lied to a friend of ours and said you were a bar back, and we went there, you were bar backing. You said you were a bartender.

• 58:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:00Andrew Santino?

  So you weren't a bartender?

• 59:01Speaker 04

  No.

• 59:02Andrew Santino?

  So that's probably why you got fired. You were, someone told me they went there, you gave them free drinks-

• 59:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:07Andrew Santino?

  And you had said you're head bartender. Flemings found out.

• 59:11Speaker 04

  They did. Flemings always finds out. They're like Pepperidge Farm.

• 59:13Andrew Santino?

  They're gonna find out.

• 59:14Speaker 04

  Yeah. Is another slogan?

• 59:16Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, we're gonna find out. Pepperidge Farm.

• 59:18Speaker 04

  We're the FBI of cookies.

• 59:21Speaker 04

  We've had a lot of laughs today. What fucking time is it, by the way? My, I called an Uber for 6:05.

• 59:26Andrew Santino?

  It's, oh, it's 6:20.

• 59:28Speaker 04

  Oh, that's gonna affect my rating. Well, someone tell Jacques Barr that I won't be outside yet.

• 59:33Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you have Jacques Barr. He's a good friend of the family.

• 59:35Speaker 04

  I love that.

• 59:36Andrew Santino?

  We know him.

• 59:37Speaker 04

  I love when I get an Uber driver that is like, not from here. Like, I'm just so-

• 59:42Andrew Santino?

  I don't think any of them are.

• 59:44Speaker 04

  Because I've been to, I've been, well, some are. There's a few like Ryans and Kylers in LA that are always like, I'm working on a rap album, and you're like, drop me off.

• 59:55Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, I'll get out.

• 59:56Speaker 04

  Walk to the Pantages and see Beauty and the Beast tomorrow. Oh, Monday, they're dark? Cool.

• 1:00:03Andrew Santino?

  They are dark on Mondays.

• 1:00:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah. Well, it's an all-black cast.

• 1:00:06Andrew Santino?

  You spent-

• 1:00:07Speaker 04

  Give me something on that.

• 1:00:08Andrew Santino?

  Well, racist.

• 1:00:10Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:00:11Andrew Santino?

  Thank you.

• 1:00:12Speaker 04

  Have we missed? I think we're batting a thousand on this episode.

• 1:00:14Andrew Santino?

  Just under.

• 1:00:15Speaker 04

  We're the Wade Boggs of comedy. I just met his son.

• 1:00:18Andrew Santino?

  What's a Nolan Ryan?

• 1:00:23Speaker 04

  So good, I need to sleep on this one. Oh, it's, I'll tell you what it is.

• 1:00:28Speaker 04

  It's where the guy, no, it's where you fucking, give me one second.

• 1:00:35Andrew Santino?

  You got it.

• 1:00:35Speaker 04

  It's where, this is great. It's where, um, it's where he fucks you at like 99 miles an hour.

• 1:00:46Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:00:46Speaker 04

  Because that's like, was his like median mph of like, how fast he threw.

• 1:00:50Andrew Santino?

  True.

• 1:00:52Speaker 04

  And then, after he comes, he puts you in a headlock and punches you in the face like Robin Ventura.

• 1:00:56Andrew Santino?

  One of the greatest moments.

• 1:00:58Speaker 04

  I'm such a sucker for baseball fights.

• 1:00:59Andrew Santino?

  Almost became a Texas Ranger fan because of that.

• 1:01:01Speaker 04

  I know. I'm such a sucker for baseball fights because, A, it makes the game better.

• 1:01:06Andrew Santino?

  So much.

• 1:01:07Speaker 04

  It's almost like in basketball, when Rock and Jock added the fucking four-point hoop.

• 1:01:11Andrew Santino?

  So cool.

• 1:01:12Speaker 04

  Baseball, you're so fucking boring sometimes. There's 3,000 games. Speed it up.

• 1:01:18Andrew Santino?

  Let's have a fight.

• 1:01:19Speaker 04

  Let's have a fight. But also now, and baseball, the fights are still like, everybody just runs out of their house, like, they heard a car crash.

• 1:01:25Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:26Speaker 04

  They all just run into each other, do you know what I'm saying?

• 1:01:28Andrew Santino?

  Just looking.

• 1:01:28Speaker 04

  Just looking around, and then like, the stars never want to get involved.

• 1:01:32Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:01:33Speaker 04

  Like, the 90s, though, it was like, they didn't care if they got, but also, baseball respected the fight aspect, to where they were like, we're not gonna suspend Nolan and fucking Ryan. But nowadays, like, the fights, the guys get into, it's like, well, yeah, kick that guy out of the fucking game. Like, no one's buying a, you know, whatever card. Daryl Strawberry, that's the last one I'll do. That is where the guy takes you to the farmer's market and gets you a strawberry, and then fucking, and then fucking makes you jerk him off in the bathroom at the, um, at the goop.

• 1:02:07Andrew Santino?

  That sounds like an unhealthy relationship.

• 1:02:08Speaker 04

  It does. It's, well, get on Tinder. It's a dangerous place.

• 1:02:13Andrew Santino?

  No, thanks. Now, you met your, your ex-husband-

• 1:02:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:17Andrew Santino?

  Was a prince in Dubai?

• 1:02:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:19Andrew Santino?

  Wow. And you lived there for how many years?

• 1:02:21Speaker 04

  Me and Lindsay Lohan are Eskimo sisters.

• 1:02:22Andrew Santino?

  You are?

• 1:02:23Speaker 04

  Yeah. Do you ever heard about her with like the prince, she's, I think she's been with like Prince of Wales, Prince of Egypt, Prince William, Prince Jafar, or Prince Ali, fancy as he, Ali Ababwa.

• 1:02:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah. That's his full legal name, I believe.

• 1:02:36Speaker 04

  But, yeah, that he was-

• 1:02:38Andrew Santino?

  And Prince Prince, Prince the singer Prince.

• 1:02:40Speaker 04

  Prince the singer Prince was, he's the main prince for us, I guess, but like, yeah, I don't know. I'm, who doesn't wanna, again, I'm just like, so like, I, in this life, I don't want to have one experience.

• 1:02:51Andrew Santino?

  You want to have it all?

• 1:02:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:02:53Andrew Santino?

  You seem like a girl, you look like a girl that wants to have it all.

• 1:02:55Speaker 04

  I'm the Cold Stone Creamery of-

• 1:02:58Andrew Santino?

  You're a buffet.

• 1:02:59Speaker 04

  Women. That's disrespectful.

• 1:03:01Andrew Santino?

  You're a walking buffet.

• 1:03:02Speaker 04

  Actually, that's actually a big compliment.

• 1:03:04Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, because you're like a piece of steak and you're Chinese food.

• 1:03:06Speaker 04

  Which Vegas buffet am I? And this will tell me a lot about you, because I know you go to Vegas a lot.

• 1:03:10Andrew Santino?

  You're the win. You know why? Because you're classy and you're beautiful.

• 1:03:14Speaker 04

  This is for the win.

• 1:03:14Andrew Santino?

  Whoa, FT Dub.

• 1:03:16Speaker 04

  That's for the win buffet. You know who you are. I went to see my boy Adam Ray at the fucking Encore Theater, sold it out, he passed out at the fucking pool, almost died. Andrew was playing the next night. I fucking went to that show, a little bit better. Adam fucking was like-

• 1:03:30Andrew Santino?

  No, no. They were both great shows.

• 1:03:32Speaker 04

  They're both, they're both, they're different.

• 1:03:34Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:34Speaker 04

  Adam's like, look, I got a dog. And Andrew's like, you know, fucking, Chicago's crazy, right? So it's like, different, it's different-

• 1:03:42Andrew Santino?

  It's different stuff.

• 1:03:43Speaker 04

  It's different stuff. But the win buffet holds it down.

• 1:03:47Andrew Santino?

  It's probably the best. It's probably the best in Vegas.

• 1:03:49Speaker 04

  Also, if you can get the free pass and go to the front of the line and just walk the fuck through.

• 1:03:52Andrew Santino?

  Oh, you like that. Bumping them.

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:03:55Andrew Santino?

  Bump them out of the way.

• 1:03:55Speaker 04

  Oh, I'll, look, I was, okay, not to brag, growing up in Seattle, I was the gig harger, gig harbor, gig harder, sounds like my ex. Um, he told me to always, he'd say gig harder. He'd say like, you're not putting yourself out there to get jobs.

• 1:04:10Andrew Santino?

  Work harder, yeah.

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  Gig harder. But Gig Harbor is in Washington, and I won the bump tournament. You know bump? Some people call it throw it in, but bump, where like, you shoot, and if they bounce off, you can bump their ball?

• 1:04:21Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:21Speaker 04

  So, what was the question? I truly forgot. Oh, bump. I like to bump people in line at the buffet.

• 1:04:28Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:29Speaker 04

  Where it's like, I'll go, because sometimes the line gets jammed the fuck up, and I'll go, oh, excuse me, I think your daughter was looking for you. I'm telling you, in Vegas, someone's daughter is always looking for them. So you just lay, and who wants to fucking be the, who wants to be the fucking parent that goes,

• 1:04:45Speaker 04

  you snooze, you lose, Toots, I gotta get my pancakes. You know? Every mom is gonna go, Denise! And fucking shit a brick and run around the fucking casino.

• 1:04:56Andrew Santino?

  Right. So that's a tactic you do.

• 1:04:57Speaker 04

  So then I go, oop, finders keepers, and then I slide in, and then next thing you know, I'm fucking deep-throating a fucking fried shrimp. But I go, I go right to the ice cream.

• 1:05:07Andrew Santino?

  That's your, that's your-

• 1:05:08Speaker 04

  Oh my god, because all the Vegas fatties are always, they, the toppings disappear quick, and you don't want the toppings towards the end of the buffet.

• 1:05:14Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:05:15Speaker 04

  You want the top toppings.

• 1:05:16Andrew Santino?

  You want the top toppings?

• 1:05:17Speaker 04

  So-

• 1:05:18Andrew Santino?

  Nobody wants the bottom toppings.

• 1:05:18Speaker 04

  When they put out the food and you can tell it's fresh, the same way you can tell the scallops are, are new scallops. You think I want bottom-of-the-barrel M&M's at the fucking win buffet? What am I, fucking Jeffrey Dahmer?

• 1:05:29Andrew Santino?

  Are you?

• 1:05:30Speaker 04

  Well, if I'm fucking wait, if I don't act like someone's kid's lost, yeah.

• 1:05:33Andrew Santino?

  You think I want the bottom-of-the-barrel M&M's?

• 1:05:36Speaker 04

  That's pretty good. Wait, that also sounds like, um-

• 1:05:39Andrew Santino?

  Joe Para?

• 1:05:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:42Speaker 04

  You're good. Jeffrey Dahmer, imagine being his fucking neighbor. And he just rolls through, and you go, hey, ready? You be Dahmer, and I'll be the neighbor. Jeffrey! Where you got another raccoon in your backpack?

• 1:05:53Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it smells like dead, dead people, but it's just a bunch of animals in my apartment.

• 1:06:00Speaker 04

  Yeah. Might be asking you a quick question here. Why do you got so many dead animal carcasses in your garage? Your dad tells me you got a little bit of a, uh,

• 1:06:11Speaker 04

  animal problem. Buddy, looks like you're taking care of that. Killing all the animals, slicing up their heads. What do you do with the bodies?

• 1:06:19Andrew Santino?

  Sometimes I eat them if I'm hungry after work.

• 1:06:24Andrew Santino?

  That's how it goes.

• 1:06:26Speaker 04

  But I could never, I could never eat a human.

• 1:06:29Andrew Santino?

  No, no. You, I don't strike me as someone that would be a cannibal.

• 1:06:32Speaker 04

  Like, there's that show Lost, and I didn't finish it, but they probably got to a point where they went full fucking Armie Hammer.

• 1:06:39Andrew Santino?

  They got found.

• 1:06:41Speaker 04

  Isn't that crazy that Armie Hammer did that?

• 1:06:42Andrew Santino?

  Eight people.

• 1:06:44Speaker 04

  Like, the star of Facebook movie was like, that's what's so crazy about the Hollywood business.

• 1:06:50Andrew Santino?

  Yeah, it is kinda crazy.

• 1:06:51Speaker 04

  Like, literally, you're like, I went, I saw The Social Network in theaters.

• 1:06:54Andrew Santino?

  What a good movie.

• 1:06:55Speaker 04

  Movies I saw in theaters. Mrs. Doubtfire, The Social Network, All Dogs Go to Heaven. Also Oliver and Company. Why should I worry? Billy Joel did the theme song.

• 1:07:06Andrew Santino?

  I saw Lilo and Stitch in the theater.

• 1:07:08Speaker 04

  My god, I fucking love Lilo and Stitch. I'd fucking kill a fucking family to go see that in theaters again.

• 1:07:13Andrew Santino?

  Um, Hutch.

• 1:07:15Speaker 04

  You mean Hitch?

• 1:07:16Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:18Speaker 04

  What's Hutch? Turner and Hooch?

• 1:07:21Andrew Santino?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:07:23Speaker 04

  What's Hutch?

• 1:07:24Andrew Santino?

  Hutch.

• 1:07:26Speaker 04

  Carlos?

• 1:07:26Andrew Santino?

  The movie Hutch.

• 1:07:28Speaker 04

  What's Hutch?

• 1:07:29Speaker 05

  Hutch doesn't look like it's a movie.

• 1:07:30Andrew Santino?

  It's not.

• 1:07:33Speaker 04

  You know what, you know what also doesn't s- sound like a movie but is? The movie Wonder.

• 1:07:40Andrew Santino?

  Powder.

• 1:07:40Speaker 04

  That one was bad.

• 1:07:41Andrew Santino?

  Powder I saw.

• 1:07:42Speaker 04

  With Daniel, um...

• 1:07:44Andrew Santino?

  Radcliffe.

• 1:07:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. That was the guy that's all white and all his friends are like...

• 1:07:48Andrew Santino?

  Get him. Kill him.

• 1:07:53Speaker 04

  Wonder is a fucked up movie, cuz it's Owen Wilson and Julia Roberts. Shout out, love you.

• 1:07:58Andrew Santino?

  You love Julia.

• 1:07:59Speaker 04

  I fucking love her. I'm like...

• 1:08:02Speaker 04

  I feel like we're sisters. She just like, her laugh...

• 1:08:07Speaker 04

  She's got like this Hollywood like, energy that's like, you just wanna be around it, you know?

• 1:08:11Andrew Santino?

  You really do.

• 1:08:12Speaker 04

  I fucking love her. I just like, ah, she makes me feel so good. Like, it's, and also this world is so fucking dark.

• 1:08:17Andrew Santino?

  It is.

• 1:08:18Speaker 04

  This is why I don't, I don't kink shame, I don't, if it's not hurting anyone and it's not hurting you, I'm all for it.

• 1:08:23Andrew Santino?

  You don't yuck anybody's yum.

• 1:08:25Speaker 04

  No, if you wanna get a fucking glow in the dark butt plug and give it to me at a white elephant, Jeremy Renner, I'm not gonna like...

• 1:08:31Andrew Santino?

  Did he do that?

• 1:08:31Speaker 04

  Put you on blast.

• 1:08:32Andrew Santino?

  Well, you just did, Kelly.

• 1:08:34Speaker 04

  Alright, edit out the last name.

• 1:08:35Andrew Santino?

  No, we're gonna leave that in there. If that's something that Jeremy did.

• 1:08:38Speaker 04

  Bleep out the last name, he'll know who he is.

• 1:08:40Andrew Santino?

  He will. Do you think he listens to my show?

• 1:08:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. He's a big comedy fan.

• 1:08:45Andrew Santino?

  Is he?

• 1:08:45Speaker 04

  Oh my god, yeah.

• 1:08:46Andrew Santino?

  Jay Ren.

• 1:08:47Speaker 04

  Jay Ren. He's also a fucking badass. A snowplow tried to take him out and he fucking Jean-Claude Van Damme'd that thing.

• 1:08:53Andrew Santino?

  Did he really?

• 1:08:54Speaker 04

  You haven't... Motherfucker got run over by a snowplow, or a snow...

• 1:08:58Andrew Santino?

  No, no, he had it right.

• 1:08:59Speaker 04

  And he... Boy, what's in that fucking whiskey? Tequila?

• 1:09:04Andrew Santino?

  I don't know, you wanna sleep over?

• 1:09:06Speaker 04

  Take me to dinner first. All you gotta do is get me some spicy, and I got some Jackfruit. But no, I, Julia, I love her. I just, my, yeah, I love her. She also, I love Julia Roberts, I love Jay Moore, I love Ron Funches. I have a short list of people that I'd love to be stranded on a desert island with. You're there.

• 1:09:23Andrew Santino?

  I'm on the island.

• 1:09:23Speaker 04

  I'll tell you who's not there. Actually, no, I don't wanna say.

• 1:09:26Andrew Santino?

  Go ahead.

• 1:09:26Speaker 04

  No, I don't wanna say.

• 1:09:27Andrew Santino?

  You can.

• 1:09:28Speaker 04

  Could you bleep their name out?

• 1:09:29Andrew Santino?

  Sure.

• 1:09:30Speaker 04

  Could you?

• 1:09:31Speaker 05

  Yeah, I promise.

• 1:09:32Speaker 04

  For real?

• 1:09:32Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:09:33Speaker 04

  For real?

• 1:09:34Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 1:09:36Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:09:39Speaker 04

  For real?

• 1:09:40Andrew Santino?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:40Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:09:59Andrew Santino?

  Holy shit, Kelly.

• 1:10:02Andrew Santino?

  Kelly.

• 1:10:03Speaker 04

  I love you.

• 1:10:04Andrew Santino?

  I love you, Kelly.

• 1:10:05Speaker 04

  It's been so fucking fun.

• 1:10:06Andrew Santino?

  It's been awesome. Kelly, do you wanna plug anything?

• 1:10:08Speaker 04

  Oh my god, wow.

• 1:10:11Andrew Santino?

  You want me to plug? Kelly?

• 1:10:13Speaker 04

  You sound like the Turkish doctor. He felt bad. By the way, uh, numero uno of what not to say to someone after you've given them a second asshole, do you, can I plug anything? And I'm like, my Twitter? How about fucking stitch up the fucking Stargate you just made? Um, no, I'd love to plug, well, I'm only on LinkedIn, but I'm gonna get off and I'm not, my socials, I'm like in between socials cuz I'm like about to do some brand deals, so I have to like make new handles, so I guess, I guess plug the Netflix show that I, the Adam Ray Show that I did.

• 1:10:48Andrew Santino?

  Well, plug that because if you guys haven't seen it, that's pretty amazing. Uh, Net- Netflix, uh, has a great show, The Adam Ray Show, my, probably one of my best friends on earth who, I am lucky enough to meet you through him, he's a great guy.

• 1:10:59Speaker 04

  And the episodes are like, it's every Friday and they, you know...

• 1:11:01Andrew Santino?

  So funny.

• 1:11:02Speaker 04

  From Dave Matthews to Andrew Santino to Michael Buble to Nikki Glaser to The Rock coming up, Impractical Jokers, to Sam Minaj, Adam's mom, that fucking bad bitch, did a fucking episode.

• 1:11:11Andrew Santino?

  Puddin'.

• 1:11:11Speaker 04

  And Puddin', oh my god, shout out, queen. But, um, yeah, every Friday, there's, I, Seahawks, Marshawn Lynch, whatever, every Friday, but can go check it out, and, um, I think Adam's on tour, it's Who Is Me Theater Tour, adamraycomedy.com for tickets. I'm not gonna open some of the shows, but like, I'm gonna like be there, I might do the merch.

• 1:11:31Andrew Santino?

  He told me you were gonna be a part of the tour somehow.

• 1:11:34Speaker 04

  I'm gonna be doing like, there's, he's got like a weird rider where he's like cashews and crustables and like, back rubs.

• 1:11:40Andrew Santino?

  That's not that crazy.

• 1:11:41Speaker 04

  It's not that crazy.

• 1:11:41Andrew Santino?

  No.

• 1:11:42Speaker 04

  So, um, adamraycomedy.com, Orange County, San Diego, Hawaii, Philadelphia, Chicago, he just added two dates, two shows in Chicago, and it's all adamraycomedy.com, his YouTube, he has like Dr. Phil bullshit and standup bullshit, I don't know, I don't fucking, he's not paying me for this, so, actually, fucking, fuck you. Do it yourself, you fucking...

• 1:12:01Andrew Santino?

  No, go to adamraycomedy.com, we wanna plug Adam because you're not, you're not really touring yourself, so I can't...

• 1:12:05Speaker 04

  Not yet, I'm, I might pull like a Steve-O or a Dax Shepard and like do standup at some point.

• 1:12:10Andrew Santino?

  Well, I hope you do.

• 1:12:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:12:11Andrew Santino?

  Uh, we end the show the same way. You look into that camera, you say one word or one phrase to end the episode, whenever you want, Kelly.

• 1:12:16Speaker 04

  Ooh.

• 1:12:18Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:12:24Speaker 04

  Okay, um, Joseph Rogan, so, I met you at the mothership, you gave me your number and said if I, anytime I wanna go to Kill Tony, let you know, and I just want to apologize for drunk texting you when I was outside the mothership and I wanted some gum and I texted you, do you have any gum? But autocorrect changed it to, do you have any fun? And I know you don't do Coke, so you thought I was a cokehead and you blocked me, um, so I just wanna say, sorry, and your club rules, or, fuck, can I do that again?

• 1:13:05Speaker 04

  Can I do that again?

• 1:13:07Andrew Santino?

  No, there wasn't a word or a phrase.

• 1:13:08Speaker 04

  Okay, so set me up again.

• 1:13:10Andrew Santino?

  Well, Kelly, we end the show the same way, and we're also gonna leave that part in. Into that camera, one word or one phrase.

• 1:13:21Andrew Santino?

  You wanna try one more time, Kelly?

• 1:13:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:23Andrew Santino?

  Kelly, we end the show the same way. You look into that camera, say one word or one phrase.

• 1:13:29Speaker 04

  Even if you think you can't, you can. 24 Hour Fitness.

• 1:13:39Speaker 01

  In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

• 1:13:44Speaker 02

  You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

• 1:13:48Speaker 03

  Like this, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, seventy-five dollars for the horse. Ginger's, oh hell no.

• 1:13:57Speaker 02

  This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

• 1:14:06Speaker 02

  Honey, that flu keeping you up? Yeah, I don't got this. You need NyQuil Intense Flu. Undo your flu symptoms with NyQuil Intense Flu. The nighttime sniffling, aching, aching fever, best sleep with a flu medicine. You do got this. Uses directed, keep out of reach of children.