Most Replayed Moment: Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality! How To Rewrite Limiting Beliefs

Marisa Peer is a renowned therapist and best-selling author, known for her work in personal growth and the mind-body connection. In this Moments episode, she explores how childhood experiences, shaped by family dynamics and unmet needs, create subconscious beliefs that influence how we see ourselves and the world. Marisa shares practical tools to shift these beliefs, and successfully reshape your reality. Listen to the full episode here! Spotify: https://g2ul0.app.link/u9dMae0Kc2b Apple: https://g2ul0.app.link/48NKVd4Kc2b Watch the Episodes On YouTube: ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/c/%20TheDiaryOfACEO/videos Get Marisa’s new book, Your Mind, Your Rules: https://smarturl.it/u3hanq Marisa Peer: https://marisapeer.com/

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:04Steven Bartlett?

  I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs. And I actually wrote about this in my book recently and I feel like you're the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world, ourselves and everything in between. But can we choose them?

• 0:21Speaker 01

  I think so. You know, when I was here last time, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot. It wasn't awful, but it also wasn't amazing. But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs because you know, you make your beliefs and then your beliefs turn right around and make you. And then confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe and you'll find it. So if you say, oh, I hate cats, they're vicious things that scratch you, they're really aloof, or I don't like dogs, they're barky, yappy, horrible things. Then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true. But if you say, oh, I love dogs, they're the most loyal, gorgeous, loving things, then you'll have a different energy around them.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  So you should choose your beliefs, you should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief, where did I get that from? Is that true? Who told me that belief? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me? You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy because 100 years ago, that was probably true. Men didn't go for rich, successful women because they wanted them at home. But it's not true now. So your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language of it. I think it's so refreshing. So you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check, why do I even believe that? Is it even true?

• 1:52Speaker 01

  Because so often it's not true at all. It's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway.

• 1:57Steven Bartlett?

  So in the case of cats then, you know, I like all animals, but cats, I do think, you know, the way you described them then, a little bit scratchy.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:04Steven Bartlett?

  Sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying, not as loving as dogs. Maybe I'm going to annoy a lot of cat people here.

• 2:10Steven Bartlett?

  If that is my belief, if I say to myself, okay, no, cats are wonderful, they're lovely. You know, they're fantastic, they don't scratch, et cetera. I feel like I'm just lying to myself and I, you know, this is the case with self belief as well. I could, I could say that.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:23Steven Bartlett?

  I'm amazing and attractive and all these things, but in my subconscious mind, after getting, I don't know, bullied at seven years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else. Am I just not lying to myself?

• 2:36Speaker 01

  Well, I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie, cheat and steal every day of your life. Lie to your mind, cheat fear and steal back the confidence you were born with. So let's imagine you're going for an exam, you go, I'm going to fail it, I'm going to mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it. So that's a belief, but you could also say, I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head when I read the paper. The questions are going to come up and I'm going to remember the answers and I'm super chilled at exams. I'm cool, calm, collected. I'm going to ace this exam. So if you repeat that over and over again, you see the subconscious doesn't think it just feels.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  And if you say, I'm nervous, I'm so nervous and you, the subconscious feels that. Then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down or the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties. It's like if you're crossing a road in a car and you don't think, should I go left, right, forwards, backwards? You just move because in fear, you don't think you move. So when you're scared, your mind empties. I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew he was following me and I knew I had minutes to get in my door. And I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to, I'm like, oh my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works. I lived here for five years, but I was so scared. I couldn't remember how to open my door at all because when you're scared, your brain empties. So if you're going to an exam going, I'm scared, I'm nervous, you won't do well.

• 4:04Speaker 01

  But if you say, I've got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam, I'm so excited, I'm going to be assessed, I'm going to do really well, or I'm going to this assessment, I'm going to ace it. This person's going to love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know I'm talking about. The mind doesn't go, oh, come on, that's silly. The mind goes, okay, whatever you say, you make it real. Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. The subconscious doesn't think, it only feels. And if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, and your job is to think better thoughts all the time. So imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm. You go, oh, that's going to hurt and that's going to be so painful. But you could, I always read my phone.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  And if you cough just as the needle goes in, it confuses your mind and you don't feel it. Is that lying? Or is it just taking your mind somewhere else?

• 4:59Steven Bartlett?

  That's the, because I, I think if I can choose my beliefs, then I can unchoose beliefs. But I couldn't think of a, a single belief I have now that I could genuinely unchoose. I could say it, but I think I'd still believe it.

• 5:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the thing with the mind is, there's a couple of rules of the mind. One is, let me give you a couple that will help you. Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real. Every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response. And here's another one, the mind learns by repetition. So when you think a thought a lot over and over again, it becomes real, even if it's not real. So if you think a thought, my neighbour's driving me crazy, they're so noisy, I can never sleep. I can hear their television, they're getting on my nerves. It'll become your reaction. If you say, it's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. You know, we don't have to change events, we have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, oh, this commute to work is killing me. You know, this, this being on this freeway is driving me crazy. But someone else will go, wow, I'd love to be on, you've got a car and you're going to a job and you're getting paid. That's my fantasy dream come true.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Don't have to change a thing, you have to change how you think about the thing. So that is changing your beliefs. And a belief is really just the thought you think a lot. So you're born as a blank slate. Where did you get those thoughts from? Who gave them to you? So the beliefs you think you can't change. Where do they come from? Let's do that. Now, where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from?

• 6:40Steven Bartlett?

  So I think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 6:45Steven Bartlett?

  Which I think goes back a long, as long as I can remember, to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  Unorganized, okay.

• 6:52Steven Bartlett?

  And I think people will be surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say productive. My output is high, but the organization of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag, it would be like a jumble sale. My house as well, if I didn't have a cleaning, I think it would be, you know, it would be like a bomb had gone off in there.

• 7:10Speaker 01

  I heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you go, your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it.

• 7:18Steven Bartlett?

  You've been listening.

• 7:19Speaker 01

  I have been listening.

• 7:20Steven Bartlett?

  No, you're right. I, I think there's, there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where I think I've told myself it's faster to be messy.

• 7:27Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:28Steven Bartlett?

  And but then the, the dissonance or the, the issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be. I want to be a messy person. I want to be someone who comes into their hotel room, goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier. What happens is I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym. And it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, well, that's just who I am. I'm just a messy person. And I think we all label ourselves.

• 7:55Speaker 01

  And of course, when you do that, now you're making it real. You say, no, I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell. And now it's genetic. So every time you say, I'm just a messy person, the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you. So if you start by changing that and saying, I love being organized. It gives me such joy to be organized. I love putting so, when you say it, say it, say it. It will start to change. So for the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym. And I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights, because you know, I got run over. And I started to get muscle weighted in my leg. I was going, I love heavy, heavy weights. I love it.

• 8:36Speaker 01

  And I was really a pilates yoga person, but for the last three weeks, I get up and I'm in the gym at half seven going, well, I love heavy weights. And I, I didn't like it before. But I decided to, I decided to say it over and over again, because when you say, state and affirm something, your mind must make it real. So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot. I love being organized. It gives me immense joy to put stuff away. I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel. And sure, I run to the, when I come back, I put my gym kit in a particular place. And I love that feeling of being super organized. And very quickly, it will start to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.

• 9:18Steven Bartlett?

  So interesting.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  But it's also true, you know, you think a thought, and you, your mind can't help it. It has to make, you know, we do that. We did that thing with a lemon, didn't we? Where you think you're eating a lemon. Have we ever done that?

• 9:30Steven Bartlett?

  What's that?

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Well, let's do it now. So put your hand in front of your mouth.

• 9:34Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  Imagine you're holding half of a great big fat juicy lemon. Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose. And breathe in that amazing lemon smell, because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops, pucker onto the surface, stick out your tongue. Lick off the lemon. Open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth. And I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh, literally. Bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue. And your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon.

• 10:18Speaker 01

  Swirl that lemon all around your mouth. Keep eating the lemon, suck it, chew it, swirl it around. And then open your eyes. Did you start pumping out saliva?

• 10:29Steven Bartlett?

  Yes, I did.

• 10:30Speaker 01

  And so here's a question, was there a lemon?

• 10:32Steven Bartlett?

  No, there was no lemon.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  That's true, there was no lemon, but you could also say, yes, which is also true. They're both true. No, there wasn't, but yes, there actually was. Where was it? Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

• 10:44Steven Bartlett?

  In my head.

• 10:45Speaker 01

  In your head? Yeah, it wasn't anywhere else. It was in your head. Just do another one. Put your right arm out.

• 10:50Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Towards me and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go. And have a look at where it's gone. Just look behind you to notice where it is. Bring it back. I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf. I want you to imagine. Close your eyes and tell your mind, my arm's going to go a third further. I'm now like a Bendy, Barbie and Ken doll. My arm is so flexible, it's going further. I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm. Becoming super flexible like Cook Pasta. Open your eyes, put your arm out and say to your arm, you're going a third further now.

• 11:26Steven Bartlett?

  You're going a third further.

• 11:26Speaker 01

  You're like a pretzel, you're super flexible.

• 11:29Steven Bartlett?

  Super flexible.

• 11:30Speaker 01

  Go a third further.

• 11:31Steven Bartlett?

  Go a third further.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further. Now look at how far it's gone. You were only up to the third book before. So what happened then?

• 11:43Steven Bartlett?

  Um, I just believed my arm was going to go further.

• 11:48Speaker 01

  And it did?

• 11:49Steven Bartlett?

  Yeah.

• 11:49Speaker 01

  And you see, and for men, I get men who say, no, I can't please my wife. I can't get an erection. I can't keep it going and, and she's going to leave me. And if I tell them other things, you know, you're a great lover. You can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the average is about four and a half minutes. That starts to happen. They don't do anything else. It's like, listen to a recording that says. You have longer erections, you can have a great sex life, you can wait until your partner orgasms. And it all becomes true because every time they say, but I can't do it. It's all over in a minute. I can't please her or him. They actually make that real. But when you just change a thought, you know, there's a song.

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Called Love Changes Everything by Clamie Fisher, but actually thoughts change everything. When you think a thought, it's such a game changer.

• 12:40Steven Bartlett?

  Erections.

• 12:41Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:43Steven Bartlett?

  It's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex, life, libido, erections.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Of course, yeah.

• 12:54Steven Bartlett?

  We've all struggled in different ways at different times with this. And it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution.

• 13:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a movie and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away, even if there's no one in the room with you. So that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling sexually attracted and your body makes it really, even there's no one there. And it can be at a wedding, can be an event, it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place. But if you think a thought, I'm turned on here, the body makes it. It does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us. We can kind of hide it. But yes, it's a thought. I can't do it. I can. I'm going to fail. I'm going to succeed.

• 13:44Steven Bartlett?

  I also think I just learnt that I was at a very young age that, I think maybe that I learnt that I was unlovable at some level. Because I think, think about being a black kid in an all white area where your house is like dilapidated. I think that's the right word. Where you can't, I never brought anyone home, never brought a girl home in the 16 odd years that I lived in Plymouth. Never brought anyone home. No one knew where I lived. I had this like constant shame.

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, shame.

• 14:09Steven Bartlett?

  And I showed up as if I was a confident kid, like, you know.

• 14:12Speaker 01

  But it was an act.

• 14:13Steven Bartlett?

  It was an act.

• 14:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, and you went home feeling a cent. You see, one of the, I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world and I teach them, there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door. Only three things. And one of them is, I'm different, so I can't connect. The next one is, I want something, it's not available to me. And the third one is, I'm not enough. There's a lot of versions. I'm not smart enough, good enough. But when you told me that little boy who was a black kid in a white world, living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straight away you're saying, I was different. And if I'm different, I can't connect because we connect by being the same. People go, I like Postman Pat, so do I. I like Pasta, so do I. I like Barbie, so do I. Oh, you're my friend.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  But when you're different, you can't connect. So you first had that first thing, I'm different, so I can't connect. What I want. Being the same as all the other kids is not available to me. And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough. But of course, that's what you felt the truth is. You're deeply lovable just the way you are. But it's very hard when you don't feel it. So when you, you know, your feeling is the most real thing you have. And we're always trying to use logic. But logic doesn't work because in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time. So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same. You can't logic that better. Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  You remember John Lennon said, the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside. And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake. You have to go back and look at, okay, I felt different. But here's an interesting thing. If our greatest fear is to feel different, it must be none the same as everyone. Because that's our greatest fear to be different. We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different. But actually, if you fear being different, I worry that means you're the same as everyone because you've got the same fears. And what wasn't available now, you've made it available many years ago. And you're deeply lovable and more than enough. So you have to kind of go back and look at that old scene to go, but that's not me anymore. Of course, it's not me.

• 16:27Speaker 01

  So just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do. Because we're so busy looking for how it is us, you know, here's a rule of the mind. Whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on, you get more. So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it. And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house. And that's why it bothers you, not because it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Now you come back and think, oh, look at this room. I've recreated the same. Instead of saying, actually, I'm in a five star hotel, there's a maid next door. It's a little bit messy, it's not shambolic. But you see what your brain is looking for is what's the same.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  And it will always find it. But if you look for what's different, you'll find that too. So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, instead of you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it. You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as a messy home. And it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control, which it was when you were a kid living in that house. Don't talk yourself, don't talk yourself out of it. Oh yeah, I have created a mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy. I'm busy. Someone's going to come in and clean all of this up and it's not the same. It's vastly different. But our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar. After all, you know, if you were a two-year-old kid living

• 17:53Speaker 01

  in the prairie and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew. You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar because it would have killed you. So our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable.

• 18:07Steven Bartlett?

  I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home. So a messy room makes me feel more comfortable. Or if it's the opposite, like, you know, I've never been sure which one it, which one it is.

• 18:19Speaker 01

  Well, it's just, I think because you lived in a messy home, it was familiar, it was easy. No one said tidy up, put that away. So if you're in the army, for instance, you say, oh no, I make my bed and because you learnt a certain way, but you learnt the opposite, just everything's in a mess. So the two things that you learnt is familiar, but also it's deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh God, there's a mess again and I can't fix it. When the truth is, you can, you've always got a choice. The worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it. I can't change it. I can't accept. I can't change a mess. I can't, okay, I can accept this. Hey, I'm messy and I love it. Like an artist, or you can say, I can change it, but it's like, I can't change it and I can't accept. Accept it. My daughter loves living in a mess because she's

• 19:03Speaker 01

  an artist. She doesn't even see it. Or you can say, I can change it by changing how I think, just say, I love putting stuff away. It makes me feel powerful. And if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality. If you don't like your reality, you don't have to change it. You have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words.

• 19:27Steven Bartlett?

  What you just listened to was a most replayed moment from a previous episode. If you want to listen to that full episode, I've linked it down below. Check the description. Thank you.