Ep 590 - Wildcat

Support the D. A. W. G. Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini Live if you want @ https://www.shawngardini.com/live hello0o00o0o. wuts up everybody. Good morning. We have a hot cast for you. Hope you're all having a good holiday season! Christmas is right around the corner! Please enjoy. God Bless. Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at https://www.ziprecruiter.com/mssp This video is sponsored by BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/MSSP Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/DRENCHED and use code DRENCHED and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The Wild Wild West.

• 0:02Matt McCusker?

  Oh no, they don't even tell me I was at, it was not on the Kingdom Coaster. It offers gentle thrills with smooth turns and small airtight nails.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Bro, what are you talking about? Look at the size of the cat.

• 0:16Matt McCusker?

  No, the uh...

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Look at that size of the cat, yeah.

• 0:20Matt McCusker?

  The cat, I think is, uh, let me see.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Brother, just feast your eyes.

• 0:24Matt McCusker?

  I see, that thing's fucking nasty as hell.

• 0:26Speaker 00

  Look at the size of the cat.

• 0:27Matt McCusker?

  So you know what, you know what the Beast does? The Beast vs. the Wildcat. The Wildcat is...

• 0:32Speaker 00

  Beast is fucking newer, dude.

• 0:34Matt McCusker?

  It's the longest, too. It's kind of, it's kind of cap.

• 0:38Speaker 00

  Fuck the Beast, dude.

• 0:39Matt McCusker?

  The Beast is longer, but...

• 0:40Speaker 00

  The Wildcat hurts your part?

• 0:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Wild, the Wildcat is like higher, I think, and has...

• 0:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course it is. It's huge, it's so scary.

• 0:49Matt McCusker?

  Dang, dude. Bro, a classic figure eight design, which often focuses on the cla- okay, my...

• 0:56Speaker 00

  Wildcat's just an out and back classic.

• 0:58Matt McCusker?

  So the forces, the forces on the Wildcat are rougher? You wanna, if you ride the Beast, you wanna claim the largest wooden roller coaster in the world, it's like, you know what I mean?

• 1:06Speaker 00

  When was the Beast constructed?

• 1:08Matt McCusker?

  I don't know, but my thing is, it's not as, uh, rough and tumble as the Wildcat. So the Beast is like a longer ride, which gives it the biggest quote-unquote, uh, wooden roller coaster in the world, but we're talking G-forces here, so...

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Damn.

• 1:23Matt McCusker?

  It probably built a long time ago, it's fucking Ohio.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  1979?

• 1:25Matt McCusker?

  Seventy-nine?

• 1:27Speaker 00

  It's the biggest. There's nothing I can say, I was wrong.

• 1:31Matt McCusker?

  No, no, don't get...

• 1:32Speaker 00

  No, I was wrong, there's nothing I can do.

• 1:33Matt McCusker?

  Don't get down on Hershey, dude. Hershey is, it's still, Hershey has a scarier wooden roller coaster that's probably higher.

• 1:42Speaker 00

  I'm telling you, I busted my fucking lip on the Wildcat. And this guy's gonna wear an I Survived Hershey shirt? You gonna steal Valley like that?

• 1:51Matt McCusker?

  How'd you bust your lip on the Wildcat?

• 1:52Speaker 00

  The fucking thing comes to a screeching halt. Smacked my face.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  It was nothing to me, dude. Spent the rest of the day bloodied up.

• 2:02Matt McCusker?

  What would you rather do if you're at a Dorney Park, you go into the amusement park or Wildwater Kingdom?

• 2:08Speaker 00

  As a young man, water park.

• 2:10Matt McCusker?

  As an old man, you're saying now in your maturity?

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Old man, I'd like to not, yeah. Cause when you're a young man, that's getting soaked at a park is a young man's game. I didn't give a fuck. I would walk around just drenched all day.

• 2:23Speaker 00

  Now I'd be so mad.

• 2:25Matt McCusker?

  You don't realize how, I went to a water park recently and you don't realize how fucked up you get on those slide. You get elbow burns, non-stop, dude. I got off and I was like, god, my fucking elbows are-

• 2:33Speaker 00

  The last water ride I was on was with you in South Carolina. Never again, dude. Right at first turn, I got flipped off the raft and just slowly landed in the pond.

• 2:43Matt McCusker?

  It's also like it's-

• 2:44Speaker 00

  One of family's tiny dick.

• 2:46Matt McCusker?

  The water slide isn't, yeah, it's an absolute vacuum seal on your dick, dude. You get off that thing, you're like, yo, dude, the penis is fully fucking-

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, gym shorts.

• 2:54Matt McCusker?

  My penis could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit.

• 2:57Speaker 00

  It was vacuum sealed. It was tight.

• 2:58Matt McCusker?

  It's crazy, dude. I think we had also regular gym shorts on, which is, yeah, that's not the move.

• 3:04Speaker 00

  I had to wait in the pool until Matt could get us towels.

• 3:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  I was like, dude, I for real can't get out of this. Some people were just coming down, landed next to me and I was like, Matt came back with a hotel towel. So it was like this big. I just covered my penis, hopped into the lazy river.

• 3:21Matt McCusker?

  Had the penis in the fucking, yeah. And then I remember that we had, we were the only people, adults there without kids. So we were just like riding behind, like a guy would be like down the bottom waiting for his child. You see Shane fly down. He'd be like-

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Hit him with the tidal, hit him with a big wave. So, dude.

• 3:40Matt McCusker?

  Is that your boy up there?

• 3:41Speaker 00

  I've avoided water parks since.

• 3:43Matt McCusker?

  I kinda, I went to one in indoor, uh, last summer and I, it was pretty nice. The lines though are just ridiculous, man.

• 3:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:50Matt McCusker?

  Especially when you're like, you know, you're there with your kids. You're like, you know, gotta bust a move. You're like, I'm gonna go to my wife. I'm like, all right, hit the kids for a second. I'm gonna run the slide. Thirty-five minute wait. I'm just looking down, seeing her tapping her foot. I'm like, she's gonna be fucking pissed about this. Told you I stopped a young fat boy, tried to do the old like, oh, my friends are up there kind of thing. And I would hit him with the, you stop, you go to the back, brother.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  You can wait.

• 4:10Matt McCusker?

  I was like, tell your friends to go back and wait with you. And they actually, he went and got his friends.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Oh, he was telling the truth, shit.

• 4:17Matt McCusker?

  Nah, man, fuck that. Can't be doing that. There's a lot of butters going on in those water parks, bro, and I like to shut it down.

• 4:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:24Matt McCusker?

  You know, I don't have a lot of authority over anybody, but I'm pretty sure I can take a couple chubby ten year olds.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  I feel like water parks have become a minorities game.

• 4:30Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  Big time.

• 4:32Matt McCusker?

  They kind of, it kind of always were. They scouted them hard in the nineties.

• 4:36Speaker 00

  Where I'm from, they weren't, they weren't around.

• 4:38Matt McCusker?

  I'm saying, I think they scouted them hard in the nineties, because they were white. The whites definitely controlled the yard in the water park in the nineties.

• 4:45Matt McCusker?

  But then.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  We did control the yard, dude. Well, that was, because that was our generation of whites. We used to control the yard, frick, pee heavily. Saw some black kids, not afraid to hit some slurs at the water park.

• 5:01Speaker 00

  You could yell anything back then.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Water is our world, though.

• 5:05Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 5:06Speaker 00

  They'd have to come into the lazy river and fucking find out.

• 5:09Matt McCusker?

  We all felt like Kevin Costner in the wave pool, just like, I am fucking water world.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  When we were there, it was the hardworking river.

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Nate, did you get to some water parks with your shirt on?

• 5:23Speaker 02

  Uh, no, I was, I was, I went, I went topless.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Really?

• 5:27Speaker 02

  I went topless.

• 5:28Matt McCusker?

  Were you shredded as a kid, like?

• 5:29Speaker 00

  No, I wasn't, that wasn't a fat thing. That was just, black people wore shirts.

• 5:32Matt McCusker?

  No, I went.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Socks.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  I would do socks. I would do socks or I would do water shoes. You gotta do water shoes. I would do water shoes to this day.

• 5:40Matt McCusker?

  Bro, water shoes is so crazy.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Water shoes is nuts.

• 5:43Matt McCusker?

  Dude, walking around barefoot in there is crazy. No, it's not.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  No, not when you're a young, young man. When you're a young.

• 5:48Matt McCusker?

  No, dude, black, from a young age, black people get it drilled in their heads, their bare feet can never touch the earth.

• 5:56Matt McCusker?

  They're not to touch the earth.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  They're never grounded?

• 5:59Matt McCusker?

  They're never grounded.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  They've never grounded.

• 6:00Matt McCusker?

  Dude, sneakers on in the house, no bare feet, they're never grounded.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Slippers, sneakers on the house is a white person thing.

• 6:06Matt McCusker?

  No.

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Slippers in the house.

• 6:08Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, true.

• 6:09Speaker 00

  Sneakers.

• 6:10Matt McCusker?

  It's some type of footwear.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  In the house. There's house shoes, I've learned. There's, there's such things, there's shoes for the house.

• 6:16Matt McCusker?

  I guess sneakers in the house is pure white trash.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  That's just white trash. And nothing bothers me more than going to someone's house and they're like, take your shoes off, we have slippers next to the door. You gotta wear fucking slippers now? With these jeans? I look like a fucking moron.

• 6:29Matt McCusker?

  Or just don't provide any slippers, just let your. Cause I just, it took me a while, but it is like, if you take your shoes off and you don't wear them, like I don't, we try not to put any shoes on our second floor. But every now and again, I like already have my shoes on and like fuck my wireless upstairs. And I walk up and I'm just like thinking of all the piss I stepped in in the fucking airport in the bad, in the bathroom. I'm like, well, whatever. I used to do this every day for years. It'll be fine.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:51Matt McCusker?

  But yeah, no, that's, that's good. Yeah. I said, I like water parks, man.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Water parks rule.

• 6:55Matt McCusker?

  They, they're fucking sick, man.

• 6:58Matt McCusker?

  What you do? You got wet and wild?

• 7:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, at the Schlitterbahn. I invited Nate, but he didn't want to come.

• 7:05Matt McCusker?

  Your aqua socks were two day prime shipping. They were gonna get there.

• 7:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was fun though. Schlitterbahn. Check it out.

• 7:18Speaker 00

  That's what you got? Thank you.

• 7:19Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  No jokes? Nothing funny about it?

• 7:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what the hell happened, dude?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  What happened there? Did anything good happen?

• 7:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, the lazy river was pretty fun.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:27Speaker 03

  They, it was actually called the, uh, torrent river. Cause they, it was like a wave pool mixed with the lazy river.

• 7:34Speaker 00

  I like that.

• 7:34Matt McCusker?

  That's kinda nice.

• 7:35Speaker 03

  Really fun. I feel like they probably could have named it the crazy river instead of the torrent.

• 7:40Speaker 00

  Crazy river would have been good.

• 7:41Matt McCusker?

  I, uh, I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your, uh, penis went up your butt. You're going so fast and you liked it.

• 7:48Speaker 03

  Who told you that?

• 7:49Speaker 00

  Your girlfriend told us you popped it, you popped in your own butt.

• 7:52Matt McCusker?

  She said you, she said you pied yourself on the speed slide.

• 7:55Speaker 00

  Self pile on the slip.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  Well, I wasn't gonna mention that.

• 8:00Matt McCusker?

  It's a sixteen year old boy had to pull you out of yourself.

• 8:05Speaker 00

  He was starting a lawnmower. He's struggling.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  Just ripping that thing out.

• 8:13Matt McCusker?

  He had to push down your nipples like the primer just to get you.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Is that true?

• 8:20Speaker 03

  Well.

• 8:20Speaker 00

  Did your penis fly into your butt while you were going down a slip and slide and you came in your own butt?

• 8:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 8:25Speaker 00

  And a sixteen year old boy had to pull it out, prime your nipples. Is that true?

• 8:29Speaker 03

  That's, yeah, I wasn't gonna mention it, but that did happen.

• 8:32Matt McCusker?

  Your girlfriend told us that.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Your girlfriend told us that.

• 8:34Speaker 03

  Well, I'll have to talk to her about that.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  You're gonna have to have a talk with her.

• 8:38Speaker 03

  I'm gonna have to have a stern talk with her.

• 8:40Speaker 00

  You can't keep telling people about the time my penis went in my butt. When I came in my own butt of the slip and slide.

• 8:49Matt McCusker?

  Just hitting the water right as you cover your butt.

• 8:56Speaker 00

  It was fun though. Check it out.

• 8:58Matt McCusker?

  This is an ad by BetterHelp.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Oh, the help with the better.

• 9:01Matt McCusker?

  Every year, my family and I do this tradition around the holidays where what are things you do every year during the holidays, family traditions. Um, what me and my family gather around the Christmas tree and we talk about the single most traumatic event of our lives.

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 9:16Matt McCusker?

  And then we just kind of just talk about it. You know, it's pretty nice.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  Then I head down to the basement. Once I get the juicy deets and I, and I process it the best way I can. The only way I know how, because I, well, what else is going on?

• 9:33Matt McCusker?

  Everyone celebrates the holidays in their own way, but one tradition I think we should all get behind is taking better care of ourselves.

• 9:39Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. That's what I do.

• 9:41Matt McCusker?

  Especially during this time of year, it can be stressful trying to meet everyone's expectations and plans, including your own. Or maybe you're feeling lonely.

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. If you feel a little lonely, you've got stress built up.

• 9:53Matt McCusker?

  Oh.

• 9:54Speaker 00

  That's when you head down to mommy and daddy's basement.

• 9:57Matt McCusker?

  Either way, it's okay to take a moment for yourself. Play a game, go to a show, splurge on a weekend getaway.

• 10:04Speaker 00

  I splurge on my parents' couch.

• 10:07Matt McCusker?

  Or book a session with a credent- oh, you could, you could book a session with a credential therapist from BetterHelp.

• 10:12Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm gonna book a session.

• 10:16Matt McCusker?

  It's a great way to make sure you focus on yourself.

• 10:19Speaker 00

  I'm gonna focus on myself? I'm gonna focus all over myself?

• 10:25Matt McCusker?

  It's making it absolutely easy to connect with the right therapist.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Come on, give me one more.

• 10:33Speaker 00

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• 10:36Matt McCusker?

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• 10:50Speaker 00

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• 11:07Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, anyway, I stand by the Wildcat after reviewing.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  No, dude, I know you're being nice and you're being a good friend. Cause you were right, you were right about the beast, I was wrong about the Wildcat.

• 11:16Matt McCusker?

  I, I just heard, I didn't know that was really-

• 11:18Speaker 00

  Was Wildcat the tallest or something? Why the fuck, why did they fucking tell me that, dude?

• 11:22Matt McCusker?

  It's the largest wooden roller coaster. Also, no one knew any other, it was like pre-internet, so no one-

• 11:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, you can just go, this is the biggest fucking thing ever.

• 11:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, no one could be like, well, there's actually a big one in, you know, wherever, Ohio, they didn't even know. But you know where the fuck Ohio was. Why do you think, this is a question I was thinking of recently, why do you think they made you memorize the capitals of the states? Was that like some sort of like military knowledge? Was there some sort of practical benefit of that that comes from like the military? Or was that just like-

• 11:49Speaker 00

  I think it's a good thing to know.

• 11:50Matt McCusker?

  Why?

• 11:52Speaker 00

  It's important, dude. I went to the capital in Idaho this weekend.

• 11:55Matt McCusker?

  Boise?

• 11:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, and I just, bro, you can just walk right in.

• 11:59Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 12:00Speaker 00

  I mean, I don't know, I should tell everyone, but yeah. You just walk right in, I mean, you can walk into most capitals, but you could walk into the governor's, we went to the governor's office.

• 12:08Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Just walked in, said what's up, said what's up. Just talked to the guy, he was signing a bill or some shit.

• 12:14Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 12:16Speaker 00

  He was pretty nice.

• 12:17Matt McCusker?

  That is nice.

• 12:17Speaker 00

  He was a nice fella. We got a picture together and then I was like, I don't know, I wonder what his politics are. Cause I just, it was a nice endorsement photo.

• 12:25Matt McCusker?

  Also, I heard Idaho's-

• 12:26Speaker 00

  He's in a tracksuit going, it's like, my bad, I didn't know I was gonna meet the governor today.

• 12:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Idaho's-

• 12:32Speaker 00

  He's dressed like a fool, I was in sweatpants.

• 12:34Matt McCusker?

  I mean, how could you have known?

• 12:35Speaker 00

  I had no idea. We were walking up the steps and these two dudes walked out and we're like, you can just walk in. I was like, alright, we'll do it.

• 12:42Matt McCusker?

  It's kinda, I guess, yeah, well, Philly's not the capital, but you can just like walk in, city hall, pretty, oh, no, no, you can't actually, you gotta, there's like a sign and desk, you're right. Yeah, I don't know, man, I, I heard Idaho's kind of a wild state.

• 12:52Speaker 00

  It was a good state.

• 12:54Matt McCusker?

  I heard it's nice, but I heard if you go to like, I think it's like northern Idaho, the whites, I think the whites are running the yard.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  They run the yard, yeah, for sure.

• 13:00Matt McCusker?

  Up in northern Idaho, I heard it's very-

• 13:02Speaker 00

  For sure.

• 13:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's where all the craziest whites are.

• 13:05Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 13:06Speaker 00

  Like that and like Washington and Oregon out there.

• 13:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but I also heard Idaho is like one of the, uh, it was like a sneaky kinda destination, like people started buying places up out there.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  That's what the governor was telling me.

• 13:16Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, oh, the Kardashians, dude.

• 13:18Speaker 00

  He was saying there's, we've, we've had half a million people every year, that's too many people.

• 13:22Matt McCusker?

  No, it's apparently Idaho is a sneaky, I'm probably making it worse, but it's a sneakily-

• 13:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said you can just walk into the governor's office. I don't know how many fucking people listen in Idaho.

• 13:31Matt McCusker?

  By the way, that's on him, man. He better fucking beef up his security.

• 13:34Speaker 00

  There was a woman, there was a secretary, there was a secretary desk and she was like, "Come in."

• 13:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  It's that easy?

• 13:40Matt McCusker?

  It's just a lady go, "Wait, he doesn't have an appointment." He go, "Get the fuck out of the way."

• 13:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, "Excuse me, I have to meet with the governor of Idaho."

• 13:45Matt McCusker?

  I'm taking a selfie with the governor right now.

• 13:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was pretty sick.

• 13:48Matt McCusker?

  That's cool. I met a politician in Salt Lake City, a guy running for mayor. And, uh, he had, I was at like, it was like an outdoor, it was like a farmer's market. And he was like, "Yeah, usually, you know, this is like this park." I was like, "It's a beautiful park." And he was like, "Yeah, it's usually like, there's a lot of homeless people here." And I'm like, "Oh, that's sick. You don't see any here right now." He's like, "Well, the police came and removed him." I was like, "Dude, fuck yeah." And he was like, "No, it's actually a travesty. I'm running against that. It's very mean, the fact that they came." And I was like, "Oh shit, my bad, brother."

• 14:15Speaker 00

  I'm all for it. Every single time, every single time they're like, "We rounded him up and got him out." I'm like, "Good job." I don't know where you put him, in fucking Utah. Where are you gonna take him? Fucking the mountains?

• 14:26Matt McCusker?

  Maybe. My, I was just coming from-

• 14:28Speaker 00

  Let them Donner party out up there. Fucking grub on each other for a month.

• 14:33Matt McCusker?

  I was just coming from the point of like, yeah, this, if there were a bunch of homeless people milling around, this would be a, you know, less elevated experience, obviously.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:40Matt McCusker?

  Just kind of, it's a fucking bummer.

• 14:42Speaker 00

  Bro, we went from Boise, where the whites are definitely holding down the yard,

• 14:45Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 14:46Speaker 00

  to then Portland, where the whites are still holding down the yard, but the nasty evil whites.

• 14:50Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  They're rotten, crusty whites, dude. It was Portland fucking, it was crazy.

• 14:57Speaker 00

  Portland's a good city. It is a great city. We had a different experience. We had a very nice experience. I tried to go back to that same bar and got fucking murdered. It was, that bar was right next to the venue. It was nice. Yeah.

• 15:10Speaker 00

  There were no cool motorcycle guys riding in circles.

• 15:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, they were having a good time last time we were there, but this time there was, the bums, the bums have won, Lebowski. The bums won. There, I saw a colonoscopy bag on the ground, filled with like shit. Saw, uh, right next to a giant dead rat, and then just-

• 15:30Matt McCusker?

  Think the rat ate the shit and died?

• 15:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  It was, uh.

• 15:36Matt McCusker?

  That sucks.

• 15:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, they gotta clean it up, cuz it's such a beautiful city.

• 15:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, Portland fucking rules. The thing, and again, it's like, what do you do with a guy who just lays on the ground? There's nothing you can do.

• 15:46Speaker 00

  No.

• 15:47Matt McCusker?

  Except, you know, like, how do you get him pumped? You know what I mean?

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, you put meth under like a box with a stick.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Alright, we got another one.

• 15:59Matt McCusker?

  Doesn't even trap, it just falls on him. We got him. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

• 16:05Speaker 00

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• 16:05Matt McCusker?

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  No gimmicks, no gotchas. You can even bring your current phone and your number. Go to mintmobile.com/drenched.

• 16:22Matt McCusker?

  Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months. Plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50GB may slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20GB of hotspot. Capable devices required. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  Incredible.

• 16:43Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I don't know, man. We, they, you could do a thing where it's like, you know how they gave the Nazi soldiers meth? Something like that, but then like, you know, better programming, obviously.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  You want them to invade somewhere. You know, Blitzkrieg, fucking Vancouver.

• 16:59Matt McCusker?

  With job applications.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Take Vancouver.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Blitzkrieg.

• 17:04Matt McCusker?

  We should just, yeah, we, that'd be a nice little undercover op, just like, meth them up and be like, yo, that's the Canadian border, I bet you can't get in there.

• 17:12Speaker 00

  I was thinking about just shipping them to my enemies' houses.

• 17:18Matt McCusker?

  Like?

• 17:18Speaker 00

  Like, if somebody I don't like.

• 17:20Matt McCusker?

  Talking about like ordering one up and being like?

• 17:22Speaker 00

  Just going to downtown Austin, get a megabus.

• 17:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 17:26Speaker 00

  That's cheap as fuck. Go, you guys are headed to the town of one of my, I'm just gonna lower the property value in whatever town my enemy lives in.

• 17:34Matt McCusker?

  And this is kind of what politicians were doing.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  They were really doing it, but I'm saying you can do that at a personal level.

• 17:39Matt McCusker?

  Oh, you could, for sure.

• 17:40Speaker 00

  You can just get them on a bus, I'll give each of you 100 bucks.

• 17:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. There was a guy, I saw a video of a guy claiming that he would go around, pay homeless people 25 bucks for their social security, birthdate and all this stuff, take out credit cards in their name.

• 17:54Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 17:55Matt McCusker?

  And cash advances.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Oh my.

• 17:56Matt McCusker?

  And he would just get like tons of money from all these people.

• 17:59Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 17:59Matt McCusker?

  And then he would get a cellphone with that money and put it in that guy's name as well and hand that guy the cellphone. And then somehow he would set it up to where he would do like a purchase, but it went back to that cellphone and the police would track it and arrest the homeless person.

• 18:13Speaker 00

  It was win-win.

• 18:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was kinda awesome.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Look, I know we're being rude to the homeless.

• 18:18Matt McCusker?

  We are.

• 18:19Speaker 00

  But they've been rude to me.

• 18:20Matt McCusker?

  They have, they can be rude.

• 18:21Speaker 00

  They yell at me, they scream at me.

• 18:22Matt McCusker?

  They can be rude. But, you know, again, it's, they do yell, they scream, they taunt, um, but, you know.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  In Portland, I heard so many screams, like just down the street. You'd just hear the, basically the guy that scared the queen. I was the queen. I would hear someone scream and I'd be rushed away.

• 18:41Speaker 00

  James McCann would grab me and rush me into a building.

• 18:44Matt McCusker?

  That, that's the funniest video still to this day, of a guy just screaming and ruining the whole thing.

• 18:54Speaker 00

  I heard several of those. San Francisco had the bums.

• 18:56Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 18:57Speaker 00

  They have the bums still. I, we, me and, uh, I, we had to run from a bum.

• 19:03Matt McCusker?

  For what?

• 19:03Speaker 00

  Chasing us.

• 19:04Matt McCusker?

  The hell was he chasing you for?

• 19:05Speaker 00

  We went to look at the sea lions at the, like wharf.

• 19:09Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  And there was just a big fucking bum. He was a tall boy.

• 19:12Matt McCusker?

  He was a land lion.

• 19:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was. He was a tall boy. And he had his pants were both ripped straight down. So he was wearing like, I don't know, he looked like the scream guy. His clothes were all like loose, but he was on, he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He's like, "You motherfucker, fuck yeah." And he was just walking.

• 19:31Matt McCusker?

  We gotta, we gotta get those homeless boys some kneepads, bro, some face paint. Sliders, dude. We gotta turn them to sliders.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  Now, this is, this is the type of forward thinking. If we could have the fucking sickest country on earth, if we had a billion sliders in every city.

• 19:47Matt McCusker?

  I would pay them, bro.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  They could make a good living if they just started sliding.

• 19:50Matt McCusker?

  Someone's gotta hook them up with Venmo too, cause like, nobody has cash anymore.

• 19:54Speaker 00

  I saw some bums with Venmos, yeah.

• 19:57Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, but it's like, you gotta slide for me, poppy. If I'm gonna be giving... If I'm gonna be throwing out cash.

• 20:02Speaker 00

  My words exactly.

• 20:05Speaker 00

  I said, bro, you got a Venmo sign? You're gonna need to slide for me, poppy. Need to slide.

• 20:12Matt McCusker?

  Or glove. I would take gloving too. If they were gloving, I'd be like, alright, that's fair.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:18Matt McCusker?

  I hate to admit it, but I think I might be more of a glover than a slider.

• 20:21Speaker 00

  That's fucking ridiculous.

• 20:22Matt McCusker?

  I'm sorry, I know. Sliding's obviously way more mask and tough.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Sliding's so sick. You saw the pig guy slide.

• 20:28Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I know, I've seen it. Sliding's fucking nasty as hell. I'm just saying, deep down inside, I might be a glover. Sliding's sick, but imagine if we pitched out this house, black light, or total, you know, no lights, and I was fucking...

• 20:40Speaker 00

  Okay, I hear you. Think if somebody was sliding there. Sparks? Sparks at night?

• 20:46Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 20:47Speaker 00

  Come on.

• 20:47Matt McCusker?

  Alright, that's fair.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  It depends though. If you, I will say, if I was on psychedelics, the glovers would fucking rock.

• 20:54Matt McCusker?

  Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place. If you're on mushrooms and some dude with like ghoul paint.

• 20:59Speaker 00

  But that, yeah, that's exactly both of our habits, you know?

• 21:02Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 21:02Speaker 00

  I like alcohol. If I was drunk watching sliders, I'd be like, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. If I was drunk watching the glove guy, I'd be like, dude, get the fuck out of here, fucking bullshit. Get your fucking hands out of my face.

• 21:16Speaker 00

  But if you got, yeah, psychedelics and the sliders would really fucking ruin it. This guy's a fucking idiot. This is crazy.

• 21:25Matt McCusker?

  Just the face paint alone.

• 21:26Speaker 00

  This is somebody's son. He's doing sliding, he's sliding on the road in fucking Sacramento. Fucking idiot.

• 21:35Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we continue to search for, you know, something for the homeless to do, and I think sliding's a good start.

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Sliding's a very good start.

• 21:41Matt McCusker?

  That's definitely a plan A.

• 21:42Speaker 00

  I haven't heard of any good options.

• 21:44Matt McCusker?

  Dude, imagine, imagine you go to apply for like a warehouse, like, right outside your interview, you fucking slide.

• 21:49Speaker 00

  Slide into the interview?

• 21:50Matt McCusker?

  Slide. Or just do the sparks on your pants.

• 21:54Speaker 00

  Or, again, they'll break out the gloves during the mid-interview. Do you have any special talents? You go, yeah.

• 22:00Matt McCusker?

  Hold on, turn up the, like you turn the lights off, please.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  You're hired. You're the CEO now.

• 22:11Matt McCusker?

  I'm also down with raw gloveing.

• 22:13Speaker 00

  What are we talking about? What about a sliding glover?

• 22:17Speaker 00

  What about slide into the meeting, hit the glove, slide out?

• 22:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what is with, what is the either or distinction all about? Why can't you be both for real?

• 22:25Speaker 00

  True.

• 22:27Matt McCusker?

  That'd be so fucking, that'd be so nasty.

• 22:29Speaker 00

  I swear to God sliders are holding down the yard though. They're definitely beating the fuck out of the glover guys. Sliders are nuts.

• 22:36Matt McCusker?

  I mean, definitely.

• 22:37Speaker 00

  How many sliders, how many undercover sliders do you think were at Skank Fest? How many undercover sliders?

• 22:46Speaker 00

  There had to be seven to eight sliders there.

• 22:51Matt McCusker?

  Dude, this next one's Skank Fest X, right?

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Hire a slider. Dude, let's ruin Skank Fest. Let's hire bums to go to Skank Fest.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Wherever they fucking book it. Let's ship a thousand bums and sliders.

• 23:05Matt McCusker?

  With, with strict instructions to slide.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  All they have to do is chase Louis J. Gomez. We'll give him a picture of Louis. Whenever you see this man, chase him.

• 23:16Matt McCusker?

  We'd have to, if they, if they do, uh, if they do it on like an island, I think X is gonna be on an island. We might have to have like an amphibious operation to get, we'd have to get them over there.

• 23:25Speaker 00

  Get them out.

• 23:25Matt McCusker?

  We need a duck boat.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  We need, yeah. We need the H boats from D to, just lower the doors, let them slide out.

• 23:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:35Matt McCusker?

  Damn, that'd be so fucking funny.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  I mean, putting sliders in any situation is hilarious.

• 23:42Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I'm surprised no one's slid at Skank Fest yet. It's coming. People are.

• 23:46Speaker 00

  Sliders. We're gonna, we should just at least hire some sliders as a gift to Skank Fest.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  You never saw sliders? He doesn't know what sliders or glovers are.

• 23:59Matt McCusker?

  Hey, welcome to the revolution, dude.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  Bro, you're gonna sit around and say white people don't have culture? Sliders and glovers? Holy shit.

• 24:09Matt McCusker?

  Dude, for real, that'd be nice for Skank Fan, Skank Fest X to be like, dude, we got you guys. Skank Fan.

• 24:17Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, for X, for Skank Fest X. If we just sent, and it's like, hey, hold an hour slot for us and we just have sliders. And just have sliders and glovers.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  I'm not kidding, I would absolutely do that. Skankfest 10, you and me will have a live show.

• 24:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 24:34Speaker 00

  Sliders vs. Glovers.

• 24:35Matt McCusker?

  That'd be awesome. We should just pre-record. Just pre-record and have us on the TV.

• 24:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, true, we don't have to go, just zoom in.

• 24:46Matt McCusker?

  Welcome, thank you, everybody. It's like if we died from the, we're like, you know, sending a message of the future.

• 24:51Speaker 00

  That's, uh...

• 24:52Matt McCusker?

  You have made it here, great, excellent.

• 24:56Speaker 00

  Now, an hour and a half of guys sliding.

• 25:02Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders, they were hitting my algo and I was like, how did you keep that to yourself for so long? I told every single person-

• 25:10Speaker 00

  I was sharing them, just, me and one guy, just going back and forth, sharing sliders.

• 25:14Matt McCusker?

  I'm thinking, hopefully, your algo might have charged mine and hit me with the fucking slider material, because it's, I was on Glovers for a while.

• 25:21Speaker 00

  Who do you guys like, who do you like more, Nate? Do you like sliders or glovers?

• 25:26Speaker 02

  The glovers are weirder to me, they freak me out, actually.

• 25:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's some type of hypnotism magic.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  It was, it was too much individual finger movement, like, together. I didn't like, that's too choreographed, sliders just come and slide. Slide, do some cool, maybe drag their hand across.

• 25:42Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Hold on, but who do you-

• 25:44Speaker 00

  You gotta show them the sparks.

• 25:46Speaker 02

  I saw the sparks.

• 25:47Matt McCusker?

  My question is, so if, if you're at like, uh, like an all-black barbecue, who do you think would be tolerated better, a glover or slider?

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Glover. I think a slider would be- I think a slider might be getting his ass beat. That might be his ass.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  No, I think slider's gonna get like, because glovers is gonna be like, get that shit out of here, but sliders is gonna be like, oh shit, every time he slides.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  That's a good point.

• 26:06Matt McCusker?

  But no face paint, though, obviously, you couldn't wear the demonic face paint.

• 26:11Speaker 02

  No, you couldn't.

• 26:12Speaker 00

  And they like that.

• 26:13Matt McCusker?

  It depends on the time of the year.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  They love like the purge masks. They love the purge, black people love purge masks.

• 26:20Speaker 02

  Sliding a shysty? I can't wait till we start sliding, y'all don't wanna see us sliding.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  You didn't bring that, did you?

• 26:25Speaker 02

  What?

• 26:25Speaker 00

  That shysty?

• 26:26Speaker 02

  Oh, I didn't bring it, I forgot my shysty, I know. I forgot my shysty, I should've worn it.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  I was, right when you said it, I was like, damn, Matt's probably holding that, trying to break that out.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  I should've busted it out.

• 26:35Speaker 00

  He's gonna hit me with it when I'm not looking.

• 26:36Speaker 02

  I should've put that thing on, I gotta get that, my wife is threatening to throw it out. I told her I was gonna throw away all her pocketbooks if she throws away my shysty. I was like, I'll throw all your dumb fucking purses out.

• 26:47Speaker 02

  She knows I'm thugging.

• 26:50Speaker 00

  She knows.

• 26:52Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 26:53Speaker 00

  She knows he's a bad boy.

• 26:55Matt McCusker?

  I would have posted up. She's gonna post up and trap.

• 27:00Matt McCusker?

  She just finally got out of the trap. She was living in the trap with me.

• 27:03Speaker 00

  You can't start trapping again, bro. Please. I know the streets are calling.

• 27:06Matt McCusker?

  That'd be so nice. I think about it now that I could literally probably buy like a thousand pounds of weed and just go dumb. It'd be so sick.

• 27:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, you could like really get arrested.

• 27:16Matt McCusker?

  Oh, I know. I could go really crazy. I could get like a shipping. First of all, I can buy a shipping container and I could probably fill it. That'd be so tight.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Could you zoom from prison?

• 27:24Matt McCusker?

  Uh, they have tablets.

• 27:25Speaker 00

  I wonder if we could, uh.

• 27:27Matt McCusker?

  I probably could get some sort of like program.

• 27:29Speaker 00

  Bro, that'd be, the podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail.

• 27:33Matt McCusker?

  The only thing I thought about it, I used to think about it all the time. If I go to jail, I'd be like, they'll, if I got out, I'd still be sick. It'd be fine. But yeah, no, they have tablets now in prison. I just found that out.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  I'd give you some verses from the phone. Remember they used to do that on rap albums? A guy would call in from the jail.

• 27:48Matt McCusker?

  Hey, what's up, Shane?

• 27:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is what I was thinking about.

• 27:51Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be, I think about trapping all the time, dude. It'd be so tight. It'd be so, cause I could actually get like a fucking bad guy HQ now.

• 27:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:00Matt McCusker?

  It'd be so fucking sick.

• 28:01Speaker 00

  You'd have a lair.

• 28:01Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  You'd have black eyes and purge masks and sliders.

• 28:05Matt McCusker?

  I could get a van and a lair.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  You could have henchmen.

• 28:08Matt McCusker?

  Henchmen, that'd be sick as hell. And I could just, just pull it into your own bad guy lair and like having guys just lower the fucking garage door. That's all I want. That's all I want.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  That's fair. That's something you should aspire to.

• 28:22Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  Bad guy lair, just guys pulling up a door.

• 28:25Matt McCusker?

  Yep.

• 28:26Speaker 00

  Hey, boss.

• 28:27Matt McCusker?

  I remember there was like a warehouse. I knew someone that had like a warehouse set up and I was so jealous. I would go in there and buy weed and I'd be like, this is so fucking sick. You have a warehouse. They had a gun in their warehouse. It was awesome. If anyone knocked up, they'd just be like, fuck, who the fuck is that? It's like, damn, that's so sick. You should shoot that guy right fucking now. That'd be awesome.

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Yes, I'd like that if you got it. I might turn on you though. I don't like that. I don't like that stuff.

• 28:56Matt McCusker?

  What do you mean?

• 28:56Speaker 00

  I don't like you trapping dude. I would, I would report you.

• 28:58Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice too.

• 28:59Speaker 00

  I'd start wearing a wire.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  You'd have, you'd have to have me strip at gunpoint.

• 29:08Matt McCusker?

  You're at a cafe, you're at like an outdoor cafe with the FBI, like he just brought in a thousand pounds of skittles.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  He's making schizlers again.

• 29:21Matt McCusker?

  I did make gummies, but regular gummies. I made regular gummy bears. It was kinda nice. I made it for my kids.

• 29:26Speaker 00

  How were they received?

• 29:27Matt McCusker?

  They're, they're, you know what, man? They're, they're kinda nasty about it. Cause I uh.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  They're fuckers?

• 29:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, well, I didn't let them like dry enough. So they were like, these are yucky. And I was just like, the first batch they liked and the second ones.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  She said, well, I just can't do anything right. I tried so hard.

• 29:44Speaker 00

  What else is going on?

• 29:45Matt McCusker?

  Fucking hell. Again, that coffee cup. Trying to kill me. Fuck. It's probably the fucking Sinaloa cartel.

• 29:52Speaker 00

  True, they heard you.

• 29:53Matt McCusker?

  Heard about my skittles.

• 29:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. Donald Trump's gonna blow up your boat.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  You can be in Lake Austin and get a drone strike on your drug boat.

• 30:03Matt McCusker?

  No, I was telling you this weekend, I uh. Who the hell's that?

• 30:09Matt McCusker?

  Someone just said hello.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  Hold on Nate. Let's take a look at who this is. Matt, it's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the natty elite hoops every night and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line. With all the picks to choose from, it's like a holiday spread every night on prize picks where it's always good to be right. You and I make loads of decisions during the holidays.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  Being right can get you paid.

• 30:42Matt McCusker?

  There's so much sports action to unwrap during the holidays and on prize picks, whatever sports you're into, whoever you support, it always feels so good to be right. Now let's get into this. Who's looking good and who are you picking against?

• 30:57Speaker 00

  I am picking uh.

• 31:02Speaker 00

  More on Saquon Barkley yards. I think he's really picked up his running game.

• 31:07Matt McCusker?

  I like that.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  Also, you know, I like what Kenny Gainwell is doing in Pittsburgh. I wouldn't be surprised to hit a little more on Kenny.

• 31:14Matt McCusker?

  Kenny Gainwell, I like that.

• 31:15Speaker 00

  Uh, yeah, that's what I would like to do. Personal story, a time where you were confident making a pick that fell apart.

• 31:22Speaker 00

  Never.

• 31:23Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 31:25Speaker 00

  Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock yours in yours. There's no better place than PrizePix. Take it, take it from there, Matt.

• 31:33Matt McCusker?

  You gotta love how straightforward PrizePix is. You don't have to spend a lot of time trying to calculate your payouts. PrizePix makes it easy to win with their payout multipliers. Whether it's just a simple 3X or a big 2000X. PrizePix makes it easy to understand how much you can win. Join millions of users and sign up for America's number one fantasy sports app. Download the PrizePix app today and use code DRENCHED to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code DRENCHED to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

• 32:06Speaker 00

  PrizePix.

• 32:08Matt McCusker?

  It's good to be right.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  Good to be right.

• 32:10Matt McCusker?

  Hey.

• 32:12Speaker 00

  We're back.

• 32:13Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, salesman interrupted the fucking flow.

• 32:15Speaker 00

  It was door-to-door salesman. I saw him try to hit you with the, hold on now.

• 32:18Matt McCusker?

  Oh, bro.

• 32:19Speaker 00

  These guys have been hit with the algorithm of like how to be a salesman.

• 32:22Matt McCusker?

  How to conquer objections.

• 32:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, the objection of just like, yo, get the fuck out of here. Literally like, dude, beat it.

• 32:28Matt McCusker?

  Coming over and, yeah, coming out with the dude beat it stuff. He wanted to, I think, remodel your entire house.

• 32:33Speaker 00

  I should have let him. I'm renting.

• 32:34Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 32:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, fucking tear down every wall. Yeah.

• 32:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's fucking bullshit. Also, like, if you're doing door-to-door sales, there's gotta be something in it for me in terms to listen to it, you know what I mean? Like, for the podcast, at least we do a podcast, and then there's ads. You should have to do like a solo, like, five-minute solo cast.

• 32:54Speaker 00

  True.

• 32:54Matt McCusker?

  Come up and be like, dude, that shit's crug. You hear about that fucking, uh...

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Should have brought him in and been like, all right, give us your sales pitch.

• 33:03Matt McCusker?

  Hit us with the pitch and it's been, hold on, yeah, we could have done it for some Andy Elliott action. Andy Elliott, I saw a clip of him. Yeah, let me see, let me see, bro. If you're not fucking ripped, no way. He, I think someone was talking shit on him in the comments and then he somehow found the guys where he worked.

• 33:18Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 33:19Matt McCusker?

  And called the guy and gave him a chance to like, overcome his objections and roleplay and the guy froze and he was just like, that's what it's about, man. The guy fucking froze, he blew.

• 33:28Speaker 00

  I see him call people and I'm like, I would have been that guy. They call me like, I saw you have a 2007 Honda on the lot. I'd be like, yeah, I don't know.

• 33:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  I don't, do you want to come in and look at it? It's on the website, it's probably up there. Alright, see ya.

• 33:46Matt McCusker?

  No, the guy started going like, I can't hear you. He's like, you can hear me. I know you can hear me, don't do that. I was also, I was like, that's a good move, I would have done that too.

• 33:53Speaker 00

  I only had one guy hit me with that and it was a Chinese man.

• 33:56Matt McCusker?

  Really?

• 33:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, he came in, he wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey. I didn't know one thing about it. He's like, take the middle seats out. I want to see how it looks without seats. And I was like, fuck, alright. Couldn't, I didn't know how. Couldn't get the ones, I couldn't move any of the seats. I was like, this, I don't know how to do it.

• 34:14Matt McCusker?

  You should have been like, bro, this is gonna be your car. I want to see you get familiar with this. You go ahead.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Now, see Matt, that would make you an expert salesman. I just bent over and was like, Jesus Christ, fucking shit. I'm sorry, I can't do it.

• 34:29Matt McCusker?

  How did he take that?

• 34:30Speaker 00

  He was very mad and he left.

• 34:32Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 34:32Speaker 00

  He didn't like my, he didn't like me.

• 34:34Matt McCusker?

  Just that you couldn't take the seats out?

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, he wanted an honorable.

• 34:38Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 34:38Speaker 00

  He wanted somebody who cared.

• 34:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 34:41Speaker 00

  I actually got in trouble for that.

• 34:43Matt McCusker?

  For not being able to take the seats?

• 34:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, because my manager came over and was like, what's going on? He was like, your salesman doesn't know how to do anything. Like, he can't, he doesn't know anything about this car.

• 34:51Matt McCusker?

  Jeez.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  I was like. He's right.

• 34:54Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, he got me. Would the manager train you on how to take the doors out?

• 34:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was like, sit down and read the fucking pamphlet about the Honda Odyssey. I just.

• 35:01Matt McCusker?

  Oh, fuck that.

• 35:02Speaker 00

  Sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer, got on Sporkle, did like top five Heismans from each year. Sat down.

• 35:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, reading the manual, it's crazy.

• 35:14Speaker 00

  No shot.

• 35:15Matt McCusker?

  That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down. He's like, you need that. Most mechanics just read that manual and figure out everything you know. I'm like, bro, get the fuck out of here. He, dude, he claims he checks his oil every time he fills up his gas. I'm like, dude, you're the biggest liar. You gotta check your, every time you get a gas, check your oil. And I'm like, you don't check your fu-

• 35:31Speaker 00

  There's a gauge.

• 35:32Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 35:33Speaker 00

  I can look at it.

• 35:34Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying. Now he holds it down, he's like, that thing's gonna go. He's like, dude, that oil runs out of your whole car. I've actually, I was like terrified forever thinking my car was just gonna stop working one day. Oh, yeah.

• 35:44Speaker 00

  Gargadog got a little oil on his dipstick at the water park.

• 35:49Speaker 00

  His old dipstick went right in the gas tank.

• 35:51Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it was crazy because I heard after his dick went up his butt, he turned on his belly and went down backwards. Which when he hit the water, it jammed it up first.

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Oh, no. Is that true? It was a deep pie? A deep self pie?

• 36:03Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately.

• 36:06Speaker 00

  There's a cannoli in your wop butt.

• 36:10Speaker 00

  Little wop cannoli.

• 36:12Matt McCusker?

  You nasty.

• 36:14Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm sorry that happened, for real, man. I'm really, it's gotta be tough.

• 36:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, but it's, you know, I'm all right now.

• 36:19Matt McCusker?

  How many penile injuries are at the water park every year? There's gotta be a good amount.

• 36:23Speaker 00

  A lot, dude.

• 36:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, there's gotta be a lot of guys at least get thunderclapped on their balls.

• 36:34Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I got what was called a thunderclap headache for the first time in my life. I was lifting weights and all, and just boom, I had a massive headache out of nowhere. It was scary.

• 36:43Matt McCusker?

  I looked up, I was kinda pumped and I saw it was called literally a thunderclap headache. I was like, yeah, I was, that's fucking sick.

• 36:48Speaker 00

  It's like a Norse.

• 36:50Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  Some type of Viking headache.

• 36:51Matt McCusker?

  Literally, that's kinda what happened.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:53Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, it was, uh, it fucking sucked, man. It came out of nowhere. I think I was just holding my breath too long and I was just.

• 36:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, if you hold your breath, yeah.

• 36:59Matt McCusker?

  I swear to God, my, my face was bright red and I just got like a, out of nowhere, a crazy headache and it went away. But, yeah, that's what happens with like fucking, you know, if you get like brain bleeding, you pop one of these things, you get a massive headache and then. Sad.

• 37:13Speaker 00

  Sad.

• 37:14Matt McCusker?

  It is.

• 37:14Speaker 00

  It is sad.

• 37:15Matt McCusker?

  Scary dude, I was fucking freaked out. So I think I saw my grandma died.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Yes, dad lifting.

• 37:22Matt McCusker?

  Probably, probably dude. Getting closer, bro. I'm getting closer to a thousand pound club. I'm at eight twenty, eight twenty-five. I'm gonna get there. I got.

• 37:31Speaker 00

  You're bulking.

• 37:32Matt McCusker?

  Hundred and seventy-five pounds left.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  The allegations are not going anywhere.

• 37:35Matt McCusker?

  I'm dude, I'm down, bringing Derek for more plays, more days.

• 37:39Speaker 00

  Bro, you're juiced to the gills.

• 37:41Matt McCusker?

  I'll test, I'll test, whatever.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  We talk about it, me and the guys.

• 37:45Matt McCusker?

  Talk about how juiced I am?

• 37:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, we gotta do, we gotta do something. He's, he's outbursts of anger, fucking crazy. Matt called me the other day and was just, "What's up, you fucking pussy? Fucking piece of shit?

• 37:58Speaker 00

  I'm tired of carrying this whole fucking thing. Fuck you." I was like, "What the fuck, Matt? This isn't like you." Ever since you went to Ways to Wells, you've been a real fucking jerk.

• 38:12Matt McCusker?

  Nah, natty. I'm all natty and I'm chill too. I'm natty and I got the chill to prove it.

• 38:19Speaker 00

  No, and then your wife called me and was like, "Shane, I'm scared."

• 38:22Matt McCusker?

  I actually, I actually believe that.

• 38:23Speaker 00

  I was like, "Just hang in there a few more, he's gonna be alright soon. I'm gonna talk to him. I'm gonna get him off the juice."

• 38:29Matt McCusker?

  I could believe that.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  I came to his house to get him off the juice. He was shirtless in the garage. I was like, "Oh," it was dark in there too. "What the fuck are you doing in here?" He was gloving, jacked. He was like, "Get the fuck out of here, pussy."

• 38:43Speaker 00

  "I'm gloving. Go hang out with your fucking wow wow slider friends."

• 38:48Speaker 00

  Now, that's not a word we would use, but.

• 38:50Matt McCusker?

  Nah, I was on the juice.

• 38:51Speaker 00

  But he was juiced up. That was, we're making fun of somebody. You don't have to fucking time stamp it, fuck it.

• 38:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I do wanna get some mass bells. Do you ever see those things? They're like kettlebells, mix of dumbbells, but you reach your hand inside of a steel ball and it's just like, but you can hold it from the inside. It's fucking sick. You feel like Mega Man when it's on your hand. I saw those things the other day. I want them.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:10Matt McCusker?

  That's all I've been doing for that. Pretty chill.

• 39:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm trying to think what else is going on. Are you excited for Christmas? What are you gonna do for the holidays?

• 39:16Matt McCusker?

  My house, we're staying right at my house. Yeah, my wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler, Canada. I keep trying to shut it down. She's like, it'd be nice, it'd be snowy. I'm like.

• 39:27Speaker 00

  You're gonna suck ass.

• 39:28Matt McCusker?

  It's gonna fucking blow.

• 39:29Speaker 00

  That'd be fucking cool.

• 39:30Matt McCusker?

  It would be cool. My problem is gifts. It's like, dude, you have to, kids.

• 39:33Speaker 00

  Bring the gifts.

• 39:34Matt McCusker?

  You can be like, you wanna go somewhere it snows? And they're like, yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are gonna appear in Canada. I'm like, I'm not fucking shipping that and shipping it back. It's like. No fucking shot, buddy.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  Bleak Christmas. I gotta go, I'm gonna go to my parents and be.

• 39:47Matt McCusker?

  I'll be sick.

• 39:47Speaker 00

  A single man in, in my parents' basement for a few days.

• 39:50Matt McCusker?

  Hmm, true.

• 39:52Speaker 00

  Whew. Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off.

• 39:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 00

  I'm gonna do it again. I'm waiting for Christmas. I'm gonna get drunk and go to my parents' basement and jack off.

• 40:02Matt McCusker?

  That'll be, that's.

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Bleak, dude.

• 40:06Matt McCusker?

  Not bad, not bad.

• 40:08Speaker 00

  I hear you. There is some peace and quiet.

• 40:10Matt McCusker?

  There's peace and quiet, but I do hear what you're saying. I remember.

• 40:12Speaker 00

  It's bleak.

• 40:13Matt McCusker?

  I remember when all my friends had kids and I would just go hang out. I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird. I would like go to places and I'd be like, man, I just wish I wasn't here.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm not going to my friend's house.

• 40:21Matt McCusker?

  You just feel weird.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  I'm gonna go, guys, ditch your family, come to the bar.

• 40:23Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 40:24Speaker 00

  Come to the bar.

• 40:25Matt McCusker?

  Come fap in the basement.

• 40:26Speaker 00

  And then I'm gonna jack off in my parents' basement.

• 40:29Matt McCusker?

  Shane?

• 40:32Matt McCusker?

  What are you doing down there?

• 40:34Speaker 00

  Hello, mom, I'm watching YouTube videos.

• 40:37Matt McCusker?

  Okay, let's get to bed.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Mom, it's fucking 11 o'clock. I'm not even tired.

• 40:46Speaker 00

  You think I go to sleep at 11? Yeah, right. Mom, I'm old as fuck.

• 40:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, that'll be dark.

• 40:54Matt McCusker?

  What, what do you think, like, cause you don't have a curfew, obviously. You can come and go as you please to your parents' house. Where do you think the, like, where do you think that ends in terms of, like, your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go, alright Shane, that's.

• 41:07Speaker 00

  If I was, if, if they, if it was like.

• 41:11Speaker 00

  Three or four AM.

• 41:12Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 41:13Speaker 00

  And I was still in the kitchen like drinking. By myself, they would be really sad. They would be like, we need to talk.

• 41:20Matt McCusker?

  What if you pulled a sober all nighter?

• 41:23Speaker 00

  I think they would support it.

• 41:24Matt McCusker?

  If you just did a sober all nighter and stayed up all night playing video games?

• 41:26Speaker 00

  They would believe, they would think they were narcotics. I could do that.

• 41:32Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 41:32Speaker 00

  That might be a fun little Christmas. Just get a fucking eight ball and.

• 41:36Matt McCusker?

  Dude?

• 41:37Speaker 00

  No alcohol, just coke for the entire, just a coke binge for Christmas. At my parents' house.

• 41:42Matt McCusker?

  You should get like a $10,000 suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents' house.

• 41:47Speaker 00

  I should go, just full McGregor, just full McGregor.

• 41:51Matt McCusker?

  In front of Christmas tree, just, he gonna stand your base? Just draped in finery too. Just pocket watch. That'd be so fucking funny. You just, especially if you only did a gentlemanly, just like a gentlemanly amount.

• 42:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, and you could do like coke like when they did in like the 1800s.

• 42:08Matt McCusker?

  That's what I'm saying.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  Like just fully right in front of everyone. It's like.

• 42:20Matt McCusker?

  That's the move, that's the move. And just hit all the rounds. Go see all your friends, kids and show up and be like, what's up?

• 42:26Speaker 00

  Blast it on coke, go to everyone's house.

• 42:28Matt McCusker?

  Business ideas out the wazoo.

• 42:30Speaker 00

  Massive gifts. Hey, I got you a car. Figured you guys could use Honda Odyssey. I don't know how to fucking dig the seats out, but it's all yours.

• 42:40Matt McCusker?

  Let me go show you how this thing works.

• 42:41Speaker 00

  Shit, I forgot.

• 42:42Matt McCusker?

  Oh, that's actually, that'd be.

• 42:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, that'd be nice. No alcohol, just coke.

• 42:47Matt McCusker?

  Mm-hmm.

• 42:48Speaker 00

  All nighter for three straight days.

• 42:50Matt McCusker?

  Just $40,000 in chains.

• 42:53Speaker 00

  It'd be so tight. Oh shit, I forgot to get you guys stuff here. Take that.

• 42:59Matt McCusker?

  Just go to people's houses and talk about like the terms of their mortgage. But you guys refi on this? What was the interest rate when you bought this? Yep. I ran into some party monsters dude at the uh, at the show in Missouri. Violent Bob Ross dude.

• 43:12Speaker 00

  He's a party monster?

• 43:14Matt McCusker?

  They were having a good time and uh, yeah, I, I, that was the stickiest situation ever. Cause it was like, I was learning in real time and he was a UFC guy. And then I was, you know, the classic thing, obviously you're gonna go fuckin' beat your ass here, right? And after a couple of those, I was like, telling jokes while I would look with the side of my eye like, is this guy gonna fuckin' tackle me and beat my ass? Cause it came, became increasingly clear like, oh, I think this guy's kinda legit. And uh, and then like during the show, a guy, you know, he was, he was just having too much fun. Kept just, you know, blurring stuff out in support of me, which is a tough one when you're like, dude, I know you're on my side, but just please, please chill.

• 43:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:51Matt McCusker?

  And at one point I, I kinda bratted out and I'm like, man, security's tight as hell in here, man. Jesus Christ, good thing you guys are all over the case. And finally a security, after like this fucking seventh time, a security guard comes up. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, dude.

• 44:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was probably doing the same thing you were.

• 44:07Matt McCusker?

  What?

• 44:08Speaker 00

  Guy kept yelling, he was probably in the back like, please, please, please, please, fuck no dude, please.

• 44:12Matt McCusker?

  I think he was. Dude, the guy's name's Violent Bob Ross. It's a sick name.

• 44:16Speaker 00

  It is.

• 44:16Matt McCusker?

  And the guy comes to like, start the negotiations and I just went, ah, give him one more chance.

• 44:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, don't worry about it, bro.

• 44:23Matt McCusker?

  I went like, we're not at the mothership dude. I was like, I don't, we're just in the middle of Missouri. This guy's a-

• 44:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's gonna beat the fuck out of him.

• 44:28Matt McCusker?

  He could've. I was like, he, this guy could've fucking ki- he could've killed me and him. And I was just like, you know what, man? Give him one more shot, you know, let's uh, just like, we can't get you out of here. This is just your show now. And then uh, but he did, he chilled. And then towards the end, he started just like chirping a little. I'm like, bro, you have, we have 10 minutes? And it was funny too, cause I was genuinely worried that security was gonna come back and try to kick him out, which, you know.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  You can't kick him out.

• 44:52Matt McCusker?

  You literally can't remove the guy. So it was just funny. I, I remember, it really felt like I was like, when my kids wake up early and I'm like, shh, dude, dude, dude, come on, I know where I'm on. Just come on dude. I don't wanna see a horrible melee breakout. But yeah, so we, we chatted after the show. He was the man. He was a good bro. He was just, he was too excited.

• 45:08Speaker 00

  He was fired up. Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas or do you think I should go to uh, LSD?

• 45:16Matt McCusker?

  LSD would be chill.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  Just take acid for three days at my parents?

• 45:21Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be super chill.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  Kids come over and just-

• 45:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that'd be nice. You could just munch. I have a little dropper. You could just do like half a hit in the morning.

• 45:32Speaker 00

  You know me.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  That one didn't hit.

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Those did.

• 45:39Matt McCusker?

  True. I mean, even just once on Christmas Day, go to mass. Little midnight mass and stay up all night. Just watch slider videos.

• 45:50Speaker 00

  Dad, come down. You gotta see this.

• 45:53Matt McCusker?

  What the hell is this?

• 45:55Speaker 00

  God damn it. Show Phil sliders? He's gonna be mad. He's gonna be genuinely mad about it.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  My mom will be like, well, that's nice.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Is this, are these your friends? Yes.

• 46:10Matt McCusker?

  Oh, my God.

• 46:11Speaker 00

  That's Nate.

• 46:13Speaker 00

  That's Nate Marshall.

• 46:14Matt McCusker?

  Tell your mom what happened to Sean at the water park, too.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  I will.

• 46:19Speaker 00

  It was in the paper. Mom. My mom saw it. It was in the paper.

• 46:23Matt McCusker?

  His penis went up his butt that he flipped around on his stomach and smacked his ass on the water.

• 46:33Matt McCusker?

  Oh, man.

• 46:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, I didn't even think about how bleak that's gonna be. Fuck, I'm kinda bummed out.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  It'll be all right. I'll be all right.

• 46:40Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you're gonna rent a car? You can go to like a parking lot and like peel out somewhere. You should just peel out in the parking lot.

• 46:46Speaker 00

  True.

• 46:48Matt McCusker?

  The local police department will probably let you do it.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  They would.

• 46:51Matt McCusker?

  They pulled up, like, guys, I have a lot on my mind. I just need to peel out.

• 46:53Speaker 00

  Guys, I just turned thirty-eight. I'm living in my parents' house.

• 46:59Speaker 00

  I should probably have a family by now.

• 47:03Matt McCusker?

  I should be sliding right now.

• 47:04Speaker 00

  You're the fucking Down syndrome guy, right? Yeah, that's me. I'm the drunk guy.

• 47:13Matt McCusker?

  If excuse me, I've rented this Mustang for a reason and just be like.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, you'll never get me.

• 47:20Speaker 00

  You fucking pussies could never catch me. Slide, slide to the wit.

• 47:27Speaker 00

  They might be afraid if you hit the slide to the.

• 47:30Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna do a slide then suicide my cop. Slide to the gun.

• 47:34Speaker 00

  Slide straight to the gun.

• 47:38Speaker 00

  All right. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Matt, I need you to riff for me, Daddy. What do you like to watch around the holidays?

• 47:47Matt McCusker?

  Ooh, you know what I'm watching right now? Elf.

• 47:49Speaker 00

  That's great.

• 47:50Matt McCusker?

  Elf is, I swear to God, it might be the best Christmas movie ever. I've been laughing out loud the entire time. It just holds up.

• 47:55Speaker 00

  But you gotta keep in mind, whatever film you watch, it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create.

• 48:00Matt McCusker?

  Holy crap.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  Writers, yeah, no, I never thought about it either. Writers, actors, editors, set designers. When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use ZipRecruiter. Try it free at ziprecruiter.com/mssp.

• 48:12Matt McCusker?

  I'm gonna bring that up to my wife tonight. We're watching Elf. I'm gonna go, you know, it took a team of people to make this.

• 48:15Speaker 00

  A team of extraordinarily talented.

• 48:16Matt McCusker?

  Probably turn her on.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:18Matt McCusker?

  See what we're seeing right now? That went through her camera.

• 48:21Speaker 00

  That'll, that'll blow her mind.

• 48:23Matt McCusker?

  She'll love that stuff.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Rated the number one hiring site based on G2. ZipRecruiter works fast to deliver results even faster than Santa, delivering presents around the world in one night.

• 48:31Matt McCusker?

  Watch it.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  Wow, don't ever be submerged.

• 48:33Matt McCusker?

  Watch it, bro.

• 48:34Speaker 00

  Again, ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter. Immediately after you post your job, its matching technology will start connecting you with qualified candidates in your area.

• 48:44Matt McCusker?

  Make your hiring a little merrier with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

• 48:52Speaker 00

  That's crazy.

• 48:53Matt McCusker?

  It's awesome. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter for free. ZipRecruiter.com/mssp. Again, that is ziprecruiter.com/mssp.

• 49:07Speaker 00

  ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

• 49:10Matt McCusker?

  Awesome. Hey, guys, please come out this weekend. I'll be in Syracuse, New York. Very big show. I'll be at the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. And then January 16th and the 17th, I'll be in Houston, Texas. And on the 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas. Also gonna be Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, and a bunch of other cities. Go to mattmccusker.com for tickets. Thank you.

• 49:35Speaker 00

  I just added shows today. April 4th, Chicago. April 17th, Nashville. April 18th, Charlotte. May 9th, the Boston Garden. And those are on sale right now with promo. Pre-sale code SG LIVE. Also, the link. Please come to the link. Buy tickets now. It's not till July, but get those tickets now. That thing's gonna sell out and we're gonna have cool stuff. We're gonna have sliders. I swear to God, I'll get sliders.

• 50:02Matt McCusker?

  Please do.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  It's gonna be more of an event than a comedy show. There's gonna be cool stuff.

• 50:06Matt McCusker?

  It's gonna be awesome.

• 50:07Speaker 00

  If I can get a flyover.

• 50:10Matt McCusker?

  Have a commercial pilot reroute and just fucking.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  True.

• 50:14Matt McCusker?

  It'll be tight. Worst comes to worst.

• 50:16Speaker 00

  Worst comes to worst. We got a national tragedy on our hands.

• 50:24Speaker 00

  All right, you gonna get yours, Gerdok?

• 50:25Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 50:25Speaker 00

  You gotta get yours before I get mine.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  Hello, everybody. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th.

• 50:33Speaker 00

  Now, show your shirt.

• 50:35Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th. Now, I'll be with my friend Aiden McCluskey. There'll be good shows.

• 50:46Matt McCusker?

  Oh, hit the slide.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  Yo.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Please, shugardini.com, Atlanta Helium, Alpharetta, January 22nd and 24th, please. Thank you, thank you.

• 50:57Matt McCusker?

  Dan.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  Thank you, guys.

• 50:59Matt McCusker?

  Did you ever have a money clip before?

• 51:01Speaker 00

  No, I think people have tried to give me them and I just can't.

• 51:04Matt McCusker?

  I had one, I loved it.

• 51:05Speaker 00

  Well, that was probably when you were trapping.

• 51:07Matt McCusker?

  That was, I was like a teenager.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  Oh, really?

• 51:09Matt McCusker?

  I used to have a money clip that it said Fat Matt was engraved in it and I would keep like 80 bucks in it. I thought it was the coolest shit in the world.

• 51:16Speaker 00

  That is sick.

• 51:18Matt McCusker?

  My Fat Matt money clip.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  He was chubby. He was chubby and his brother said him with the Fat Matt. And he owned it, dude. Made it a screen name, I know about it.

• 51:27Matt McCusker?

  Fat Matt, they used to call me Thunder for thunder thighs. Thunder killed me.

• 51:32Speaker 00

  Thunder's tough.

• 51:33Speaker 03

  Thunder.

• 51:33Matt McCusker?

  I would, well, I still have the fucking, I, I.

• 51:36Speaker 00

  Thick thighs, man.

• 51:38Matt McCusker?

  Some company sent me jeans, man, and I put them on and I was just like. Joe, like, I can't wear these, I look insane, dude. I look like Conan.

• 51:47Matt McCusker?

  That's my goal to get my thighs. I want to completely max them out.

• 51:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:51Matt McCusker?

  I gotta lean into it. If I have, I was like, dude, when I was a kid, I was like, for real, very insecure about my big fat thighs. I would walk all my-

• 51:58Speaker 00

  Fat thighs on a dude sucks.

• 52:00Matt McCusker?

  It was crazy, dude. I had Flynn O'Hara pants and they all, they weren't like, none of them, they're all one size. So if you had jacked fucking quads and they were fat too.

• 52:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, we rocked Flynn O'Hara's.

• 52:09Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, you were just, I would walk down the hallway and I was constantly, I remember, you know, grade school being like, I just never felt comfortable.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  Sweating through those fucking things. I, it was crazy. I had just anxious armpit sweat and it was fucking crazy.

• 52:24Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, we didn't have air conditioning in my grade school.

• 52:25Speaker 00

  No, we didn't have it in high school.

• 52:27Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:27Speaker 00

  We had no AC. Everyone was dying, dude. We had to wear a sweater vest and a fucking button down or a full sweater.

• 52:35Matt McCusker?

  I think we had AC in high school. I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school. I would have been bitching if not.

• 52:38Speaker 00

  No, we didn't. And then they would just open the windows and turn the lights off.

• 52:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 52:42Speaker 00

  Try to do a class. Everyone would just fall asleep.

• 52:47Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, that was, the, the best in Catholic grade school is the end of the year when they put all the desks to the side of the wall. And you have to like, just make up snow days and just sit on the ground and play seven up, dude. It was the best.

• 52:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's, uh, that's true. That is very nice.

• 52:59Matt McCusker?

  That was my favorite. There was nothing better.

• 53:02Matt McCusker?

  Worst were the first week of school when you went back in, you just smelled the smell of school and you're like, fuck me, man. Chloe's just realizing, man.

• 53:09Speaker 00

  I didn't mind that.

• 53:10Matt McCusker?

  Huh?

• 53:11Speaker 00

  Now you're bringing it up. That used to fire me. I, I, the beginning of the school year was great.

• 53:14Matt McCusker?

  I hated it. I was fucking furious. I would go in there and go, fuck this.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, you were with all boys though.

• 53:20Matt McCusker?

  No, well, high school. I had fun in high school. It was grade school.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:23Matt McCusker?

  Grade school, I would go in. I just hated it. I was like, fuck this.

• 53:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I guess as a kid, I probably wasn't too excited because summer fucking rocked.

• 53:29Matt McCusker?

  Summer rocked, man. And I had to go back to school.

• 53:31Speaker 00

  Summer rocked. You're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world. You're going on the Wildcat all summer.

• 53:37Matt McCusker?

  I remember though, I did get excited. My cousin came to school in second grade and I remember we were just sitting in the fucking like gymnasium, just like this in line, waiting to go in. And my cousin walked in and was like, I was just like, oh, fuck. He was in second grade. I didn't know he was coming. I was just like, one day, I was like, dude, my cousin's in school?

• 53:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's nice.

• 53:55Matt McCusker?

  That was fucking sick. But other than that, I used to fucking, I hated school. My daughter Chloe is just realizing now that like, she has to go to school forever. Yeah, she hates it.

• 54:03Speaker 00

  It did feel like forever. Like, I'll be in school the rest of my life.

• 54:06Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. I mean, it kind of is. I mean, I remember graduating college and being like, I can't believe I'm finally done. I fucking hated school every day. And she like, every day begs, she's like, wakes up, she goes, where am I going? I go, going to school today. She goes, oh. I'm like, dude, it's never gonna end. It's never gonna end.

• 54:23Speaker 00

  You're a girl too? You're gonna, you're gonna be in school till you're thirty.

• 54:26Matt McCusker?

  Oh, yeah.

• 54:27Speaker 00

  You're gonna get fifteen degrees.

• 54:29Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 54:30Speaker 00

  You're gonna get everything. You're gonna be a doctor, you're gonna have PhD, and then you're gonna get pregnant. And that's it.

• 54:37Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, girls love school. Girls love school. The old school, man, they crush it.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  They're good at school.

• 54:44Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 54:45Speaker 00

  They do love good handwriting.

• 54:48Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I'm getting like a first, like a firsthand account of girl world. Right now, it's so funny.

• 54:54Speaker 00

  You might be butt pregnant.

• 54:55Matt McCusker?

  Yo, I think he's a butt son.

• 54:58Speaker 00

  I think you have a butt son right now.

• 54:59Matt McCusker?

  My boy.

• 54:59Speaker 00

  Or twins.

• 55:02Speaker 00

  Do you think your butt's pregnant?

• 55:04Speaker 03

  You know, it might be, yeah. I don't know. I hope not. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

• 55:09Speaker 00

  I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids.

• 55:11Speaker 03

  No.

• 55:16Matt McCusker?

  Cause you have to deliver too. You guys deliver on all fours.

• 55:19Speaker 00

  You're gonna be like a.

• 55:20Matt McCusker?

  They put your face down on the table.

• 55:22Speaker 00

  They're just gonna come flying out of your butt.

• 55:26Speaker 03

  I gotta take a test or something. I gotta poop on a strip or whatever.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:30Matt McCusker?

  You better poop on a strip.

• 55:35Speaker 00

  What else is going on? What else do we got?

• 55:37Matt McCusker?

  Just that, just fucking VBR.

• 55:38Speaker 00

  Just Cardini getting his butt pregnant?

• 55:40Matt McCusker?

  Cardini has a butt pregnant. I, uh, I got the link with VBR. He was the man at the show. It was really fun.

• 55:46Speaker 00

  We got a.

• 55:47Matt McCusker?

  Missouri's rough though, dude. It is.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  Missouri's a rough, rough state.

• 55:50Matt McCusker?

  Crazy, man. I didn't realize how, uh, goddamn rough that place was. I kept, I was talking about the white ladies down there. They're just like,

• 55:57Speaker 00

  But that's, uh, Missouri State's right there, right? The university?

• 56:01Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Missouri State's right there. Mizzou is up near Chicago. I've been to Missouri also. So close to Texas.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:09Matt McCusker?

  Dude, it would have been a six hour drive. I could have drove there.

• 56:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 56:12Matt McCusker?

  I swear to God, dude.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  No chance.

• 56:13Matt McCusker?

  I'm going to Springfield, Missouri from Austin.

• 56:15Speaker 00

  Six hours.

• 56:16Matt McCusker?

  Maybe from Dallas. Maybe from Dallas.

• 56:18Speaker 00

  Even then.

• 56:18Matt McCusker?

  Look it up. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Dallas, I'm certain.

• 56:21Speaker 00

  I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you.

• 56:23Matt McCusker?

  I'm, I was shocked. I was like, wait, this is six hours away from motherfucking Dallas?

• 56:27Speaker 00

  Fifteen hours?

• 56:29Speaker 03

  It's ten from Austin.

• 56:31Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, six from Dallas.

• 56:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, Dallas is closer. Sorry.

• 56:35Matt McCusker?

  Son of a bitch.

• 56:36Speaker 03

  I'm not, I'm just.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  Well, wait, how far is Dallas from here?

• 56:39Matt McCusker?

  Three.

• 56:40Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 56:41Matt McCusker?

  About, yeah, three and a half.

• 56:44Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 56:44Speaker 00

  All right.

• 56:45Matt McCusker?

  I got a little, I'm gonna do a little Texas road dog trip. Me and Gardini, we're gonna go Houston, Dallas, back.

• 56:50Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 56:51Matt McCusker?

  That'd be tight. I'm excited to hit the road. What kind of playlist you, uh, you want me to play for you?

• 56:55Speaker 03

  Something chill. Whatever you got, I'm down for.

• 57:00Speaker 00

  What are you gonna hit him with? Hit him with a fucking audiobook, dude.

• 57:03Matt McCusker?

  Very aggressive tech. I can go audiobook or very, very aggressive, like dystopian.

• 57:08Speaker 03

  We were doing Skepta whenever, wherever we.

• 57:10Matt McCusker?

  Skepta, I was saying, yeah, I was saying to Skepta earlier. That's, dude, that might be the best music ever.

• 57:15Speaker 03

  I like Skepta.

• 57:15Matt McCusker?

  Just like British rap, British.

• 57:17Speaker 00

  It is good.

• 57:17Matt McCusker?

  Oh, it's, dude. Did you ever see the Top Boy show?

• 57:21Speaker 00

  No.

• 57:21Matt McCusker?

  It's really good. It's nothing but, yeah, it's so good. It's just like British.

• 57:24Speaker 00

  It's good.

• 57:25Matt McCusker?

  It's like British belly.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  I think Drake brought us that.

• 57:27Matt McCusker?

  I believe so.

• 57:28Speaker 02

  Drake?

• 57:28Speaker 00

  I think Drake helped with that a lot.

• 57:29Speaker 02

  Oh, I think he did.

• 57:30Speaker 00

  He had some music.

• 57:31Speaker 02

  When it came back, the OG one, I think, was just like the guy, the rappers from the show put out, like they did their, their own Rockefeller, like, here's our money, here's our show thing.

• 57:40Speaker 03

  Top Boy, like Crody's and Mandem, or is it like the Toronto people?

• 57:44Speaker 00

  No, it's, it's British, but I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang. It's kind of Caribbean influenced.

• 57:50Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 57:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:52Matt McCusker?

  It's important, yeah, it's important to hold space.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  We need to hold space.

• 57:56Matt McCusker?

  You know what I did all weekend? I watched, uh, Interviews in the green room, the actor, actor with actor, whatever it's called. It's, I think it's actor on actor.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  With uh?

• 58:08Matt McCusker?

  Just every actor, they do like, just like two actors talk to each other.

• 58:11Speaker 00

  Oh, okay.

• 58:12Matt McCusker?

  I'm trying to get, I'm trying to learn how to do that kind of talk.

• 58:14Speaker 00

  I thought you were talking inside the actor's studio.

• 58:16Matt McCusker?

  It's not inside the actor's studio, there's another one, I think, uh, fuck, I forget what magazine does it or whatever.

• 58:20Speaker 00

  I've seen a couple of those.

• 58:21Matt McCusker?

  Actor on actor.

• 58:22Speaker 00

  I saw one with Robert Pattinson and Jennifer Lawrence.

• 58:25Matt McCusker?

  Did you?

• 58:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't know how new they are.

• 58:28Matt McCusker?

  I saw The Rock and Brendan Fraser.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  That's good stuff.

• 58:32Matt McCusker?

  It's really good stuff. I also like the way actors talk to each other. They're very much like, it was

• 58:39Matt McCusker?

  they'll, they'll just use words, not like epic, but it's always very much like.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:43Matt McCusker?

  It's, it's just the funniest way, I don't know, I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other. Like, I mean, it just might, it might be the most iconic, I would say it's the most iconic charged, very charged scene. Like, mm, thank you, yes, thank you for saying it.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  God damn.

• 58:57Matt McCusker?

  But it's every, I watched a bunch of different ones and it's just nothing but that.

• 59:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know exactly, I can't, I can't replicate it, but.

• 59:02Matt McCusker?

  I, I was trying to learn how to replicate it, but I keep forgetting, I, I did learn the word reportage. Reportage is a word apparently about like reporting, I think. So I watched the media roundtable with Schultz and uh.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  Oh, how was that? I saw a clip.

• 59:15Matt McCusker?

  It was cool. It was, I, the clip was funny that I saw. You watch the whole thing and it's just, the whole thing was like, you know, why don't people trust the media? And then you was just watching these kind of media people try to gaslight everyone and be like, we are good reporters and you should trust us. And you're like, alright.

• 59:31Speaker 00

  Quiet piggy.

• 59:31Matt McCusker?

  I did hear the word reportage, I heard the word reportage. Ben Shapiro hit something like, there's, I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like, bro, that's the craziest word.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:41Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, I think it's just reporting, but you can say reportage. But if, that was crazy, it was like, very much like.

• 59:47Speaker 00

  The coverage on uh, Gardini's uh, pie, there was good reportage. The reportage was nice, it was in the Herald.

• 59:56Speaker 00

  It was in the Austin Herald. I caught one of it over my morning coffee, I went.

• 1:00:03Matt McCusker?

  Well, you don't say.

• 1:00:05Speaker 00

  He's gonna have butt babies.

• 1:00:06Matt McCusker?

  Dude, there was, there was one line from that roundtable that cracked me up where they were like talking about like how getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones. Well, at one point, someone was like, maybe things going viral is making us sick. I was like, fuck, man. That sucks.

• 1:00:22Speaker 00

  That fucking blows, dude.

• 1:00:24Matt McCusker?

  It was, it was a big, I was just jumping across from like Smarty Pants YouTube. I forget which one.

• 1:00:29Speaker 00

  They need a belly slap.

• 1:00:31Matt McCusker?

  It was just a big belly slap.

• 1:00:35Speaker 00

  A hard belly slap for that.

• 1:00:37Matt McCusker?

  It was just intellectual YouTube and it was making me laugh so hard just watching people because eventually it's like some of that stuff sounds good, but then like you lose the thread after a while. Then all of a sudden, like, nobody knows what anyone's talking about. Like, hold, let's, let's, let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular and it's, and it's just, it's really funny. And I don't think they've really resolved much at all. That was the one thing that like.

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  They never fucking do.

• 1:00:58Matt McCusker?

  No, but the.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  I watch all these. I listen to it.

• 1:01:00Matt McCusker?

  The thing that kills me is like, the Kimmel thing is like, well, you know, we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking Kimmel's job away for free speech. We're like, yeah, obviously don't take Kimmel's job away. But if just one of those like New York Times journalists can be like, well, that kind of does remind us of when we were being gigantic cocksuckers for seven fucking years.

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:21Matt McCusker?

  Taking jobs from people because of things they said. You never hear them once.

• 1:01:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:24Matt McCusker?

  Be like, yeah, we were kind of on that bullshit for a while. That's all you gotta do and be like, okay, cool. We're back to normal.

• 1:01:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, it would be nice again if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once.

• 1:01:33Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, dude, fucking T-Dog needs to chill.

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  What a fucking idiot.

• 1:01:42Speaker 00

  Why would you do that? That was one that like, he's done stuff before where I'm like, ah, you can't really, that one sucks. This one was like, dude, this sucks so bad.

• 1:01:52Matt McCusker?

  Especially in the year one AK.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  Especially AK.

• 1:01:56Speaker 00

  You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing.

• 1:01:58Matt McCusker?

  I know.

• 1:01:59Speaker 00

  For real. I was just thinking about, it'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died. I'd be like, yeah, well, fucking good riddance, fucking sack of shit. Be like.

• 1:02:08Matt McCusker?

  I know people, what we're learning is people need to let go of their beefs. People need to let go of their beefs, man.

• 1:02:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:14Matt McCusker?

  Can't be out here, the only long-term beef that I hold down is 50 second can continue beefing with whoever he wants. Cause it's pretty, it is pretty fun watching his documentaries. Although here's the thing though, if this is a massive commercial success, who's next? Cause he's gonna, he's gonna wanna strike twice. Cause the Shannon Sharp documentary, obviously we've seen the tea might be the new oil. We don't have to drill for oil, we just need the tea right now.

• 1:02:36Speaker 00

  You're exactly right.

• 1:02:37Matt McCusker?

  I think the tea, the Shannon Sharp documentary, I mean, his stock flew up.

• 1:02:40Speaker 00

  He has a documentary?

• 1:02:42Matt McCusker?

  Well, no, he brought Cat on, Cat spilled the tea. That was a, that was like a $24 million ordeal.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:48Matt McCusker?

  There's gonna be people going, 50, you have any more tea? There's gonna be some, there's gonna be some prospectors.

• 1:02:53Speaker 00

  They're gonna need the tea.

• 1:02:54Matt McCusker?

  Some prospectors going around Harlem way going, oh, some tea in here.

• 1:02:57Speaker 00

  There is tea. There's some tea around. Yeah, you're right. Harlem way, there is a lot of tea up there. That's, that's tea country.

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  That is.

• 1:03:06Matt McCusker?

  Or BK, even in BK.

• 1:03:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:08Matt McCusker?

  Some good tea, get some tea going.

• 1:03:10Speaker 00

  Or in the Boogie Down.

• 1:03:11Matt McCusker?

  Boogie Down.

• 1:03:12Speaker 00

  That could be some tea that way.

• 1:03:14Matt McCusker?

  But that's a major, dude, that's like, you know, that thing's gonna be number one. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, gotta tell you guys about this.

• 1:03:23Speaker 00

  Oh, I like this.

• 1:03:24Matt McCusker?

  I like that too. AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently. Still just one scoop, once a day, vitamins, minerals, probiotics. All this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mix is great, doesn't taste like a fistfight. Packaged travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out. So hurry up and go to drink AG1.com slash secret pod and for a limited time only get

• 1:04:06Matt McCusker?

  a free immune support bundle, including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 next gen or AG1 pro. That's drink AG1.com slash secret pod.

• 1:04:18Speaker 00

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• 1:04:24Matt McCusker?

  Yo.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

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• 1:04:45Matt McCusker?

  Hmm, because sex is not just be about being able to perform. I totally agree with that. It's about actually wanting to.

• 1:04:52Speaker 00

  Now, wanting to is extremely important for sexual intercourse.

• 1:04:56Matt McCusker?

  A million percent, dude. And we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third free with promo code DRENCHED. You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.

• 1:05:16Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:05:17Matt McCusker?

  So.

• 1:05:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:19Matt McCusker?

  We gotta go ahead and get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea. What, any hear any rumblings?

• 1:05:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any fucking tea.

• 1:05:27Matt McCusker?

  We're trying to fucking survive out here, dude.

• 1:05:29Speaker 00

  Our podcast is, we're falling, we're failing right now because we don't ever spill any good tea.

• 1:05:35Speaker 03

  I haven't had, I haven't.

• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  We need to openly gossip about our peers.

• 1:05:42Speaker 03

  Sorry, yeah.

• 1:05:43Speaker 00

  You have no tea.

• 1:05:44Speaker 03

  No tea over here.

• 1:05:45Matt McCusker?

  Nothing scandalous.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  Nothing scandalous at all in the Austin comedy scene.

• 1:05:50Speaker 03

  You broke the story about my butt babies. That's kind of.

• 1:05:53Speaker 00

  Well, that's a big one that that's, yeah, that's gonna hit the web.

• 1:05:56Matt McCusker?

  True. That could rocket us back upwards.

• 1:05:59Speaker 00

  TMZ could be covering that.

• 1:06:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:06:00Matt McCusker?

  We need, do you have any pictures? No. No, no photo.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  You didn't get a sonogram? With the butt babies?

• 1:06:08Matt McCusker?

  I haven't been to the butt gynecologist yet.

• 1:06:10Speaker 00

  The TMZ people are gonna be gossiping around the cubicle. I mean, the guy with his big ass coffee is gonna be like, "Oh, did you see what came out of Austin this week?" "Yeah, I think he's gonna have some butt babies."

• 1:06:22Speaker 00

  Fuck them.

• 1:06:25Speaker 00

  Fuck them, dude. How dare they talk about our butt babies live on TMZ?

• 1:06:29Matt McCusker?

  I know, dude.

• 1:06:30Speaker 00

  It's a personal thing.

• 1:06:32Matt McCusker?

  Just reaching out. I'm reaching out from TMZ to follow up on this butt baby story.

• 1:06:36Speaker 00

  We heard some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas.

• 1:06:40Matt McCusker?

  Your flaccid penis went up your ass, then you flipped over onto your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true?

• 1:06:47Speaker 00

  It must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair. You got a nice net, a butt net. Yeah, I do have a hairy butt.

• 1:06:54Matt McCusker?

  I've heard, this is the tea on Sean, I heard his head gets hard first.

• 1:06:57Speaker 00

  Oh, he gets the...

• 1:06:58Matt McCusker?

  I heard his head gets rigid.

• 1:07:00Speaker 00

  He gets the bowling pin?

• 1:07:03Matt McCusker?

  It works its way down. He's got jelly on the bottom.

• 1:07:11Speaker 00

  The old bowling pin, straight to his own butt at the water park. Trying to show off for the kids. You go, "Hey, everyone, watch this slide." Oh!

• 1:07:23Matt McCusker?

  Took a bowling pin?

• 1:07:25Speaker 00

  Bowling pin right to the keister.

• 1:07:29Matt McCusker?

  Nate, what do you think about that?

• 1:07:31Speaker 02

  Ah, no comment. I got no comment. I got no comment.

• 1:07:33Matt McCusker?

  You ever hurt yourself on a water slide?

• 1:07:34Speaker 00

  This is good podcasting. No comment. Thank you. Thank you for your help.

• 1:07:37Speaker 02

  I got no comment about Sean's butt baby. I can't.

• 1:07:39Matt McCusker?

  We're doing all the heavy lifting. This is all because of the water park.

• 1:07:41Speaker 00

  It's fucking cloudy out. We're all sleepy. Come on, man.

• 1:07:43Speaker 02

  I can't talk butt stuff.

• 1:07:44Speaker 00

  It's a gloomy day. We should all be cuddled up watching a movie.

• 1:07:46Matt McCusker?

  Yeah. Why can't you talk butt stuff? What are you even talking about?

• 1:07:50Speaker 02

  I can't talk butt stuff.

• 1:07:52Matt McCusker?

  Why not?

• 1:07:53Speaker 02

  Drastic butt stuff.

• 1:07:53Matt McCusker?

  People are gonna think you're aligned with Diddy, bro, if you go...

• 1:07:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. We can talk butt stuff.

• 1:07:57Speaker 02

  No, I can't talk butt stuff.

• 1:07:58Speaker 00

  Yes, we can.

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  God damn it.

• 1:08:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:08:03Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:08:04Speaker 00

  Well, somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy.

• 1:08:10Matt McCusker?

  Hold up.

• 1:08:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, he had a fucking, probably a hemorrhoid and freaked out and went to urgent care and just got fingered and they sent him home.

• 1:08:17Speaker 02

  So much blood.

• 1:08:18Speaker 00

  He shit blood.

• 1:08:19Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:21Matt McCusker?

  Who fingered you?

• 1:08:22Speaker 02

  Uh, it's guy.

• 1:08:24Speaker 00

  You know his name.

• 1:08:25Speaker 02

  I don't remember his name.

• 1:08:25Matt McCusker?

  What did he look like?

• 1:08:27Speaker 02

  I didn't wanna, huh?

• 1:08:28Matt McCusker?

  What did he look like?

• 1:08:29Speaker 02

  It's a guy, just a guy, just a man.

• 1:08:33Matt McCusker?

  Did you get fingered at an urgent care?

• 1:08:34Speaker 00

  Yes, two hundred bucks.

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  Bro.

• 1:08:37Matt McCusker?

  Paid two hundred.

• 1:08:38Speaker 00

  Paid two hundred, got fingered. He, he, he made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, a hundred, you can't see this.

• 1:08:42Matt McCusker?

  You kicked her out.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  Excuse me, fiance.

• 1:08:44Matt McCusker?

  I would have had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy. You had to touch a girl. If someone's going up your butt, you gotta touch a girl to keep the gayness. It's like a lightning round for gayness.

• 1:08:50Speaker 00

  That is true.

• 1:08:51Matt McCusker?

  That was our first time her in the doctor's office with me. Like, that was the first time with a guy.

• 1:08:55Speaker 02

  That's what they're for, dude. They're for fucking stand there while you get your butt fingered by a doctor. See me like that.

• 1:09:03Speaker 00

  You're never gonna beat the allegations, dude. You paid two hundred bucks to get fingered at a fucking urgent care, dude. Why would you ever get fingered at an urgent care?

• 1:09:10Matt McCusker?

  What did they even determine by fingering your butt?

• 1:09:12Speaker 00

  Nothing.

• 1:09:12Speaker 02

  He said I was alright. He said my butt, he said I was.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  He fucking checked the oil.

• 1:09:16Speaker 02

  He was like, he was like, let's, he was like, we gotta, just cuz you, you bled a lot out of your butt, you seem fine, but, you know.

• 1:09:22Matt McCusker?

  Damn, you had your period, you went to the doctor and he fingered you?

• 1:09:26Speaker 02

  It was my first period. I didn't know what to do. I panicked.

• 1:09:29Speaker 00

  They gave him a vibrator. He went to an old doctor, he came from his butt finger.

• 1:09:35Speaker 02

  I had my period for like four days and I was like, this is too long. This is a problem.

• 1:09:39Matt McCusker?

  How did he, did he, I guess he lubed himself up.

• 1:09:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, lubed up, he lubed up.

• 1:09:45Matt McCusker?

  I heard the gloves.

• 1:09:46Speaker 00

  Oh, and then he came and met me at the bar. I think it was on my birthday. It was a nice celebration. And then he came to the bar with lube fresh in his butt.

• 1:09:54Speaker 02

  I did not have lube fresh in my butt.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  You were in the same outfit, you were in the same outfit you wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower. You did not shower.

• 1:10:01Speaker 02

  I didn't shower, but I washed up. I washed up. I didn't have, I washed up. I hit the, I hit the hot spots. I hit my balls, I hit my ass, I hit my, I hit my underarms.

• 1:10:09Matt McCusker?

  Why didn't you put your clothes back on?

• 1:10:10Speaker 00

  Why would you not get in the shower for that?

• 1:10:13Speaker 02

  Cause we were going to meet you and celebrate your birthday.

• 1:10:14Speaker 00

  You could use a shower, stinky.

• 1:10:16Speaker 02

  We were celebrating your birthday and then we had to leave early to go do spots. I was maximizing my time with my friend, I'm sorry.

• 1:10:23Speaker 00

  You just got the lube out of your butt.

• 1:10:24Speaker 02

  I just got the lube out of my butt.

• 1:10:26Matt McCusker?

  So you hit it, it was standard drill.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  The doctor said, yeah.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  Standard.

• 1:10:29Matt McCusker?

  It was standard drill.

• 1:10:30Speaker 00

  The doctor threw a towel on you, said, "Clean yourself up."

• 1:10:33Matt McCusker?

  You bathed like a hooker in like a gas station bathroom?

• 1:10:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:38Speaker 02

  I paid him in cash.

• 1:10:39Matt McCusker?

  Just washed your ass in the sink?

• 1:10:41Speaker 00

  Oh man, then you came and threw darts with us?

• 1:10:44Speaker 02

  She went up to Shane's birthday like, "What's up hon, how we doing?"

• 1:10:47Speaker 00

  I go, "Dude, you still have lube in your butt."

• 1:10:50Speaker 02

  I told you, I was like, "Talk, tell my friend in confidence." And I, second I did it, I was like, "Mistake."

• 1:10:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, why did you ever tell me?

• 1:10:58Speaker 02

  That's what Sean said, he was like, "You messed up." I was like...

• 1:11:00Speaker 03

  When I got there, she was like, "Nigga, finger his."

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  It was a nice birthday gift.

• 1:11:12Speaker 02

  That's what I, that's what I thought.

• 1:11:14Speaker 00

  I do appreciate it.

• 1:11:15Speaker 02

  I had a good laugh for your birthday.

• 1:11:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:19Speaker 02

  I was, the whole time y'all were coming at Sean about his butt baby, I was sitting here quiet.

• 1:11:23Matt McCusker?

  You were quiet as a mouse, bro.

• 1:11:24Speaker 00

  I forgot entirely about it.

• 1:11:26Speaker 02

  I knew you forgot about it, I was like, "Thank God."

• 1:11:29Speaker 00

  Thank God I remembered.

• 1:11:30Speaker 02

  He all went for me and I was like, "I can't, I can't."

• 1:11:33Speaker 00

  You could have jumped in, I would have never known why you were being so bashful.

• 1:11:37Speaker 02

  But then I could have triggered Sean to turn on me, he would have had that.

• 1:11:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:11:41Speaker 02

  You think I got a butt baby?

• 1:11:42Speaker 00

  You would never? You lied dude, you're a nasty little fucker.

• 1:11:47Speaker 00

  If we got some brown liquor out here, you'd fucking spill the beans immediately.

• 1:11:53Speaker 00

  Oh, you told the crowd at the Noxus you got fingered?

• 1:11:56Speaker 03

  Nobody liked it.

• 1:11:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, nobody liked that.

• 1:11:58Speaker 02

  They gave me no choice. Yeah, I tried to do a set about it that night, it was probably the worst set I've had in a while. Yeah, yeah, I'll give you finger.

• 1:12:04Matt McCusker?

  You gotta keep going, that's so funny. Gotta talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time.

• 1:12:12Matt McCusker?

  Actually rebrand around it.

• 1:12:13Speaker 02

  After, after, after we were all up at the doctors talking about it and I went up to do my set, I was like, I just need to know that y'all aren't thinking about me with a finger in my ass. So then somebody went, well, I wasn't.

• 1:12:25Matt McCusker?

  How many seconds were you talking?

• 1:12:27Speaker 02

  Had to be like three, but it felt like 20.

• 1:12:30Speaker 00

  Three seconds? No way.

• 1:12:31Speaker 02

  I think it was like five.

• 1:12:32Matt McCusker?

  He definitely wasn't.

• 1:12:33Speaker 00

  I'm just going.

• 1:12:34Speaker 02

  I think it was like five.

• 1:12:35Speaker 00

  No, you got in there, checked, checked your butt walls.

• 1:12:39Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, what was it? You just checking for a hemorrhoid? Clearly you have a fucking hemorrhoid, your butt's bleeding.

• 1:12:43Speaker 02

  Any kind of mass. He was like, we just gotta check for, that's what he said. We said we gotta check for a mass. And he was, and then he was like, if it keeps bleeding.

• 1:12:49Matt McCusker?

  Bro.

• 1:12:50Speaker 02

  We'll get you to a.

• 1:12:50Matt McCusker?

  Serious question. Did it jump a little?

• 1:12:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:12:55Speaker 00

  That's a good question.

• 1:12:56Speaker 02

  It didn't move at all.

• 1:12:57Matt McCusker?

  Dude, I, I went and got a massage recently and when I had my thunderclap headache, Brittany was like, just go get a massage. Cause it's like, up here was real tense. So I went, first of all, she's trying to talk me into like, she really try a male therapist. I was like, no, just not doing it.

• 1:13:13Speaker 00

  A therapist?

• 1:13:14Matt McCusker?

  Or like a massage.

• 1:13:14Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, oh, I was like, no.

• 1:13:16Matt McCusker?

  No, no, no. That'd be sick, actually.

• 1:13:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, you'd be like Tony Soprano.

• 1:13:20Matt McCusker?

  I was fucking doing deadlifts and I fucking was doing sumo squats. No, I got a, uh, so I went, I was like, no, I'm not, she's like, I'm telling you, like, you should just try, why are you so worried about it? And I was like, Brittany, if I get a male massage person and I even start to get hard, I have to leave the whole family. I'm gonna come to him and be like, guys, I'm gay now.

• 1:13:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:41Matt McCusker?

  I took the test. Turns out I'm actually gay and I'm leaving this family.

• 1:13:45Speaker 00

  You gotta move up Harlem way. You gotta spill the tea, you gotta go up there and spill the tea immediately. Nate, you're gonna have to join Bad Boy.

• 1:13:55Speaker 00

  Dr. Diddy.

• 1:13:58Speaker 02

  I got Diddy. I got Diddy on your birthday. I think you did.

• 1:14:00Speaker 00

  You did get Diddy on my birthday. Maybe I set that up.

• 1:14:03Matt McCusker?

  Start on a Nate, Nate Dogmartial.

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. I know. We gotta think of a good nickname for him.

• 1:14:11Matt McCusker?

  He might just be butter now.

• 1:14:12Speaker 00

  True. You are the butter man.

• 1:14:15Matt McCusker?

  The man with the finger in his butt.

• 1:14:17Speaker 00

  He does have butter. I think the doctor used butter as a lube.

• 1:14:22Speaker 00

  Buttered it.

• 1:14:24Speaker 00

  He got the peanut butter lube.

• 1:14:25Speaker 02

  I mean, buttered is better than not buttered. He ain't go, he ain't go.

• 1:14:28Speaker 00

  Ew, why are you flexing your penis while you're talking to him?

• 1:14:34Speaker 00

  God, you see that? That's crazy. I mean, buttered is better than not buttered. Flexing his dong head.

• 1:14:39Speaker 02

  Ew, Nate.

• 1:14:42Speaker 02

  I wish I died.

• 1:14:43Speaker 00

  We don't have too many topics right now. We're just gonna call you guys gay for an episode.

• 1:14:49Speaker 02

  We're done. We got an hour.

• 1:14:50Speaker 00

  It's a good hour.

• 1:14:51Speaker 02

  That was a great hour.

• 1:14:52Speaker 00

  That was one of our better ones.

• 1:14:53Speaker 02

  That was. That was really a bad. That's a rainy day masterpiece.

• 1:14:56Speaker 00

  That was a rainy. I mean, it's just a rainy day. There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book.

• 1:15:03Speaker 02

  True.

• 1:15:04Speaker 00

  Or you can sit around with your buddies and call two guys butt boys.

• 1:15:12Speaker 00

  Nate, what were your thoughts when you got, when it happened?

• 1:15:16Speaker 02

  I mean, it was obviously funny that it was about to happen. Like, as soon as I knew that, I was like, alright, this is about to happen to me. It was hilarious, especially like, I've been zesty online for a good couple of months now, and it's like, I can't.

• 1:15:31Speaker 00

  I think I got, again, I've talked about it before, I got my balls sonogrammed.

• 1:15:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:36Speaker 00

  And that's by a guy.

• 1:15:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:40Speaker 00

  And I'll never forget, he was wearing a Steelers cap.

• 1:15:44Speaker 02

  Steelers cap is so funny.

• 1:15:45Speaker 00

  Nurse with a Steelers cap, putting jelly on my nuts.

• 1:15:48Speaker 02

  Warm too, wasn't it?

• 1:15:50Speaker 00

  It wasn't very warm.

• 1:15:50Speaker 02

  Oh, it was chilly?

• 1:15:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was kinda chilly.

• 1:15:52Speaker 02

  That's good on him.

• 1:15:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, he wanted to shrink everything, and it worked.

• 1:15:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:58Speaker 00

  Doctor, this isn't what it usually looks like.

• 1:16:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can't be giving him the warm jelly. That'd be crazy.

• 1:16:03Speaker 00

  But I was laughing during that.

• 1:16:05Speaker 02

  You said he was. No, he wasn't laughing at all.

• 1:16:06Speaker 00

  He did not think it was funny. But if I got butt fingered, I would laugh. You're allowed to laugh.

• 1:16:10Speaker 02

  Did you hold your breath? Uh, I don't remember.

• 1:16:12Speaker 00

  No, he went.

• 1:16:15Speaker 00

  He tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped him.

• 1:16:18Speaker 02

  Did you, so your babe really left the room? I made her leave. I didn't, she would've had to be looking, like, she, I can't have her have that vision.

• 1:16:25Speaker 00

  Staring down the barrel.

• 1:16:26Speaker 02

  Like, yeah, she was literally where she was sitting. When she left, and it was just you and the doctor, and then his finger was in your butt, you should've went, she hits me.

• 1:16:34Matt McCusker?

  You're allowed to open up to the doctor and tell him about that.

• 1:16:37Speaker 02

  I did, he, he did ask, he did ask if I like beforehand, he was like, could the bleeding be from, you know, like he was like, he was like butt stuff. And then I just looked at her and went.

• 1:16:46Speaker 00

  It's an urgent care, they're not using the best terminology. She like, fuck you, butt, is it butt stuff? He said butt stuff?

• 1:16:52Speaker 02

  He said butt stuff.

• 1:16:53Speaker 00

  We're gonna see him coming back to that urgent care. You're gonna drive past, he's gonna be in a trench coat and blind guy glasses, walking out.

• 1:17:00Speaker 02

  Like a massage parlor?

• 1:17:01Speaker 00

  Yeah. Another 200 bucks down the drain.

• 1:17:05Speaker 02

  He'll go broke at urgent care.

• 1:17:08Matt McCusker?

  So he asked you, what'd you, what'd your response? You looked at your wife and said, ask her?

• 1:17:11Speaker 02

  I'd said, I said yes. I'd just say yes, because I thought it'd be funny to just come out like it's like I'm gay in front of my lady in the darkness. Then I was like, obviously, no, I haven't, but.

• 1:17:20Matt McCusker?

  What he said, was he like, hey?

• 1:17:21Speaker 02

  He laughed.

• 1:17:22Speaker 00

  How did he bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table?

• 1:17:27Matt McCusker?

  Did he hold it on the floor?

• 1:17:28Speaker 02

  I stood up straight, flexed.

• 1:17:30Speaker 00

  No, really?

• 1:17:32Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:17:33Speaker 00

  Yeah. No, not on all fours on the table.

• 1:17:36Speaker 02

  No, no, you don't get on all fours.

• 1:17:37Speaker 00

  I don't know what you do.

• 1:17:39Speaker 02

  Does he hold it on the ground? You guys are teeter. I'm just, I'm just early. Y'all, y'all are gonna get there.

• 1:17:44Speaker 00

  I remember this moment. I'm gonna get a colonoscopy, it's gonna be crazy.

• 1:17:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:50Speaker 02

  I had, if I died.

• 1:17:52Speaker 00

  Just say it.

• 1:17:52Speaker 02

  Elbows on the, I had to put my elbows.

• 1:17:55Matt McCusker?

  Chin on her fist?

• 1:17:58Speaker 00

  He instructed you, right? He said, put your elbows on the table and bend over?

• 1:18:01Speaker 02

  That is 100% what happened. He was like, you gotta put your elbows on the table. And he didn't say bend over, but he was like, you gotta put your elbows on the. And then I was, you know.

• 1:18:10Matt McCusker?

  Damn.

• 1:18:12Speaker 02

  That's all right. I found that I wasn't dying.

• 1:18:14Matt McCusker?

  That's good.

• 1:18:15Speaker 02

  I could be dying, I could be, I could be.

• 1:18:17Matt McCusker?

  Probably never felt more alive, honestly.

• 1:18:21Speaker 00

  It's kinda liberating.

• 1:18:23Matt McCusker?

  Yes.

• 1:18:24Speaker 00

  Straight out of the bar, first words, first words out of his mouth. He was so excited to tell me.

• 1:18:27Speaker 02

  No, I, I.

• 1:18:28Speaker 00

  Right when he walked in the bar, he was like, oh my God, I gotta tell you what happened to me today.

• 1:18:32Speaker 02

  It took about.

• 1:18:32Speaker 00

  I had the wildest experience.

• 1:18:36Speaker 02

  I held it up to it for like 10 minutes, but it was all I was thinking about, like I couldn't.

• 1:18:40Speaker 00

  You knew the beans were getting spilled.

• 1:18:42Matt McCusker?

  That's also, that is a great birthday gift, though, to be honest. That's a fantastic birthday gift. Yeah, I'm turning 40 in January. I'm, well, I'm, it's a matter of time, I'm getting fingered.

• 1:18:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:52Matt McCusker?

  Whole squad is getting fingered.

• 1:18:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I might have to go early on that.

• 1:18:55Matt McCusker?

  Yeah.

• 1:18:56Speaker 00

  Because this, this has been out of control.

• 1:19:00Speaker 00

  The, I wonder why they just took spill the beans and made it spill the tea?

• 1:19:05Speaker 00

  And why is that acceptable? It's beans, dude.

• 1:19:07Matt McCusker?

  It is the beans, I guess. But I think there was all that, like, drinking tea when like something.

• 1:19:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, and still eating beans.

• 1:19:13Matt McCusker?

  True.

• 1:19:14Speaker 00

  That's why they spill the beans, you go, what? And the beans fall off your spoon and you spilled the beans.

• 1:19:21Matt McCusker?

  I think you're completely right.

• 1:19:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, you spill the bean, you go.

• 1:19:23Matt McCusker?

  Hold on now.

• 1:19:24Speaker 00

  Fuck, I spilled my beans. But tell me about your fingering.

• 1:19:30Speaker 00

  I gotta get some beans.

• 1:19:32Matt McCusker?

  I peeped your pantry the other day, you got, you're loaded up.

• 1:19:34Speaker 00

  I got some beans, I'm gonna make those beans when you leave.

• 1:19:37Matt McCusker?

  That'd be nice.

• 1:19:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:38Matt McCusker?

  That keeps the butt doctor away, by the way.

• 1:19:40Speaker 00

  Those whole fucking bunch of beans for lunch.

• 1:19:47Matt McCusker?

  I might fucking scare shit out of the doctor. Just eat a ton of beans and seriously touch me and go.

• 1:19:54Matt McCusker?

  Just let like a one footer out.

• 1:19:57Speaker 00

  He's gonna clog it though. He's gonna go, no, no, no.

• 1:20:00Matt McCusker?

  He's gonna cut it.

• 1:20:03Speaker 00

  He's gonna hit the sawmill. Hit the buzzsaw. Alright, this is maybe one of our worst podcasts.

• 1:20:12Speaker 00

  Just talking about poop and butts.

• 1:20:18Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 1:20:21Matt McCusker?

  Oh fuck. Well, join us for the Patreon.

• 1:20:24Speaker 00

  Patreon, where we're gonna get serious.

• 1:20:26Matt McCusker?

  Yeah, true.

• 1:20:27Speaker 00

  It's time to talk politics on the Patreon. It's time to give you the real deal. Me and Matt both know exactly what's going on in the world. We'll give you our takes.

• 1:20:40Matt McCusker?

  Damn, you got the danger. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

• 1:20:45Speaker 00

  Do it.