Pod Insights Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card VI About this episode Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story.
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Transcript 12,905 words · 7 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Dax Shepard? Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman.
0:05 Speaker 01 Hi, wild.
0:07 Dax Shepard? Wild card.
0:10 Dax Shepard? I'm enjoying making that noise today. Do you think it's a good?
0:14 Speaker 01 It does sound good.
0:16 Dax Shepard? Much better than my spitting. Remember when I was fake spitting?
0:18 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
0:19 Dax Shepard? People did not like.
0:21 Speaker 01 Misophonia?
0:23 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I guess it was bad or adjacent, or just disgusted with spitting as you are. You've really got in my craw, I gotta mention.
0:31 Speaker 01 I did.
0:33 Dax Shepard? You did. And I even thought of a counter argument that I believe in.
0:37 Speaker 01 Okay.
0:38 Dax Shepard? But you're still in my craw. You hate spitting. That was on a previous fact check.
0:42 Speaker 01 Yes.
0:43 Dax Shepard? So now what I remembered is we have had debates about boogers and your disgust with the notion of eating a booger because your body has made this to be repelled. Remember that was your argument?
0:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, I think I stand by that.
0:57 Dax Shepard? And there's bacteria and why would you eat that?
0:59 Speaker 01 Yes. Oh.
1:01 Dax Shepard? Monica.
1:02 Speaker 01 No, but.
1:02 Dax Shepard? Minimally, you gotta say, okay, it's inconsistent.
1:05 Speaker 01 Okay, but listen.
1:06 Dax Shepard? Okay.
1:06 Speaker 01 My argument isn't then to put boogers all over the street where other people are walking or put them on people's shirts.
1:14 Dax Shepard? Maybe I should carry a wine silk or whatever. What are those little bags that you put wine in?
1:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, to put your loogies in.
1:22 Dax Shepard? All I'm saying is if we agree that boogers should leave your body and not be put back in your body, why not the boogers that's coming from your lungs? Get them out of there too.
1:31 Speaker 01 I know. Look, I.
1:33 Dax Shepard? You gotta meet me in the middle here.
1:34 Speaker 01 I understand what you're saying, but you cannot spit. You can, you can spit it all over the street, but I'm gonna be disgusted by you.
1:42 Dax Shepard? I know. And that's, you're right to. It's not like I enjoy seeing other people spit.
1:47 Speaker 01 I got in your craw and I also got in the original person that I was talking about's craw. And it made its way back to him.
1:57 Dax Shepard? I wonder if you've had an impact on like many thousands of people that listen.
2:01 Speaker 01 What if people start dropping dead because of?
2:03 Dax Shepard? Because of their infections? Yeah, that their body told them to get out and spit into a bush, which no one cares about. Okay, this is wild card. We love wild card. And this was wild. It delivered on its.
2:16 Speaker 01 There's some bad stuff in here.
2:17 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah. Oh, but can people listen?
2:20 Speaker 02 Not that last one.
2:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, fuck.
2:24 Dax Shepard? Yeah, this is a sincere warning. There is a child that gets injured in the last story, not fatally.
2:32 Speaker 01 No, yeah, to be clear, the child is okay.
2:35 Dax Shepard? The child's totally okay, but I can imagine if you've had a similar experience that it would be a real bummer to hear. So yeah, there, the last story does have a kid getting inadvertently injured.
2:45 Speaker 01 Yeah, and there's also some, there's a body thing that's like, ew.
2:50 Dax Shepard? Oh, oh.
2:52 Dax Shepard? What body thing?
2:53 Speaker 01 Second story.
2:54 Dax Shepard? Oh, and you called it. Yeah. All right, anyways, uh, please enjoy wildcard. We get support from Quince.
3:03 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about the fact that the holidays are already here? It's crazy. I feel like I blinked and now we're in gifting season, which I'm not really mad about because I do love giving gifts. And Quince is making it so easy to find something great for everyone on my list, including myself. Cause let's be honest, self gifting is a love language.
3:23 Dax Shepard? Quince is seriously the gift that keeps on giving. Their high quality staples are made with premium materials like a hundred percent Mongolian cashmere, 14 karat gold and Italian leather, full on luxury quality at prices that won't wreck your holiday budget.
3:38 Speaker 01 It's the dream. The cashmere sweater is starting at $60. Down jackets, wool outerwear, cashmere accessories. You and everyone on your list are staying cozy and looking incredible all season long.
3:49 Dax Shepard? Well, I'm gonna tell you this, it just got chilly for the first time this year in California. And I'm so excited and I'm wearing my Quince cashmere right now.
3:57 Speaker 01 It's great.
3:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and I am going to gift this to some of my friends. I hope they're not listening.
4:02 Speaker 01 Quince is also more than clothing. They've got fine jewelry for your significant other, leather bags for your bestie, hotel quality bedding to set up your guest rooms, chef grade cookware. That's an amazing thing they offer here. And it's such a good gift because people don't like buying cookware for themselves, but it's very important. And they also have five star luggage, another good gift that people don't like buying for themselves.
4:24 Dax Shepard? Give the gift of quality this holiday season. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was Armchair Expert. It's the best way to support the show. This episode is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8.
4:55 Speaker 01 What?
4:56 Dax Shepard? Okay, I need to talk about something that doesn't get enough respect. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese. This is not a casual burger. This is a crafted burger. We're talking 100% fresh beef cooked right when you order it. No artificial flavors, no fillers, no preservatives, just beef doing what beef is supposed to do. And here's a detail I love. There's a cowbell sound in the kitchen. When somebody orders a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a cowbell goes off and the Grill Master throws a fresh patty down. That's like having your own entrance music at McDonald's. I want a cowbell for everything in life. The onions are hand topped by someone who just knows the right amount. Two slices of cheese laid out in a star pattern, so every single bite gets cheese. And two pickles side by side, so you're never in a pickle desert.
5:40 Dax Shepard? Every bite is accounted for. Someone engineered this thing with love. I love a Quarter Pounder.
5:46 Speaker 01 Me too, that's my order. It's a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I love it. I didn't know they put so much effort that they did a star formation. I should have known because you can taste it when there's effort.
5:59 Dax Shepard? Yeah, the love. Don't tell anyone this, but I'll put two of them back.
6:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm not surprised.
6:04 Dax Shepard? The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery.
6:41 Dax Shepard? How are you feeling, babe?
6:42 Speaker 01 Good.
6:43 Dax Shepard? Goodie?
6:43 Speaker 01 Mm-hmm.
6:44 Dax Shepard? How much did you sleep last night?
6:46 Speaker 01 Well, I had to take a Benadryl at three.
6:48 Dax Shepard? Oh, so you couldn't sleep?
6:50 Speaker 01 Because my finger.
6:52 Dax Shepard? Oh, let me see it today.
6:53 Speaker 01 It's looking a lot better.
6:55 Dax Shepard? Let me see.
6:55 Speaker 01 But in the middle of the night.
6:57 Dax Shepard? Yeah, that's significantly better than yesterday.
6:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, it is.
7:00 Dax Shepard? Middle of the night, it started itching you?
7:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, like crazy. It must be multiple stings because it hurts in a lot of places.
7:08 Dax Shepard? That's so weird.
7:09 Speaker 01 It is weird. And maybe the stinger's still in there, which I think just makes it take longer.
7:13 Dax Shepard? Do you want me to cut your whole finger off today?
7:15 Speaker 01 No, thank you.
7:16 Dax Shepard? Okay.
7:16 Speaker 01 A pass.
7:17 Dax Shepard? Okay. All right, let's do it. Oh, wow. What a fun little environment you've created. Look at you're in a little tent.
7:25 Speaker 03 It's my tent, Monica, yeah.
7:27 Speaker 01 Oh, it's beautiful.
7:29 Dax Shepard? I like a tent.
7:30 Speaker 01 And it sounds gorgeous.
7:32 Speaker 03 I wanted my big screen so I could see your faces, so I had to go tent instead of closet.
7:38 Dax Shepard? And how do we look so far?
7:40 Speaker 03 Beautiful. Not nearly as orange as I was expecting. King and Michael Key conversation.
7:45 Dax Shepard? How dare you, Kyle?
7:46 Speaker 01 I get it, Kyle.
7:48 Dax Shepard? I can already see you're on Team Monica. With the tent and the orange.
7:52 Speaker 03 That's not unfair.
7:54 Dax Shepard? Okay, so Kyle, this is one of our favorite prompts, wildcard. We have no idea what's coming.
8:00 Speaker 03 So let me ask, have you guys heard other wildcards today already?
8:03 Speaker 01 Not yet.
8:03 Dax Shepard? Your number one wildcard.
8:05 Speaker 03 I think I am like a stage setter, so set expectations appropriately.
8:09 Speaker 01 Okay.
8:10 Dax Shepard? Wonderful.
8:11 Speaker 03 In my story, there's a bit of guessing. Hopefully you guys can take part.
8:14 Speaker 01 Oh, exciting.
8:15 Dax Shepard? A mystery.
8:15 Speaker 03 So I grew up in Western Washington, like Everett area. I took every summertime to go out to Maryland at my Nana and Papa's for like a month without my parents and my sister. When you talk about Papa Bob's, get away, enjoy my grandparents.
8:33 Dax Shepard? Get spoiled.
8:34 Speaker 03 Exactly. So we went out to Maryland to Air River House, which has like an eight-foot dock, a boat. It's heaven for me. The story takes place in the year 2000. I'm 12. We are hanging out with all of our aunts and uncles. And cousins, probably like 25 people at the house. Nineties attire, Monica, you probably remember being roughly that age.
8:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
8:59 Speaker 03 Boys were like big baggy board shorts.
9:01 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
9:02 Speaker 03 I ripped out the liner.
9:03 Speaker 01 Oh, cool.
9:05 Dax Shepard? Okay, cuz you didn't like how it felt?
9:07 Speaker 03 Yeah, yeah, it's just a little too touchy.
9:10 Speaker 01 Netting was for chumps. Everyone knew that if you had netting, you were like, ee.
9:15 Dax Shepard? Oh, that was a big no-no. You would have been 13.
9:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, I guess.
9:19 Dax Shepard? And you had thoughts on boys netting in your board shorts?
9:22 Speaker 01 Yikes.
9:23 Dax Shepard? I only wore boxer shorts. And then when I would get into a swimsuit with the netting, I felt like I was in women's panties. Like, all of a sudden, I was in a tiny little tight panty.
9:32 Speaker 01 I could see that.
9:33 Dax Shepard? And it was confusing. Some parts good, some parts bad.
9:37 Speaker 03 Yeah, no judgment there. So we're on the end of the dock doing a dive contest. And we're just going back and forth, we're swimming around, having fun. It's my turn. And so I go to jump off the dock. I realize now that I didn't spot my landing, which we always used to do. The guess is, what do you think happened next after I jumped off the dock?
9:57 Dax Shepard? Okay, if you jumped off a dock into a river and you hadn't spotted your landing, I'm trying to think what obstacles would be in the river.
10:05 Speaker 01 I don't know a lot about rivers. Huge rocks, I guess.
10:09 Dax Shepard? I'm thinking more something roped to the dock, maybe a watercraft.
10:13 Speaker 01 Okay.
10:14 Dax Shepard? Okay, those are our guesses. Rock and watercraft.
10:17 Speaker 03 I land on top of a steaming metal or a gelling fish.
10:21 Speaker 01 Oh.
10:22 Dax Shepard? Oh, I didn't even know they dwelled in rivers.
10:25 Speaker 03 Yeah, they come up north in Anacoke River in August, which is why we always spotted our landings. But I hit with my left foot on the dome of a pretty big jellyfish. And it rode past my toes, up my gigantic board shorts.
10:41 Speaker 01 Oh.
10:42 Speaker 03 In my taint, around my crack.
10:44 Speaker 01 Oh.
10:44 Speaker 03 Everywhere. And then it stopped on my double knotted waistband.
10:48 Dax Shepard? Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm not understanding. You land on this jellyfish and then the tentacles come up around your legs?
10:54 Speaker 03 My foot comes down on top of it. And then it just slides itself up my leg.
10:59 Speaker 01 It just went all the way. Way up.
11:00 Dax Shepard? Oh, my God.
11:01 Speaker 03 I like stockings all the way up to my pelvis. So immediately you get the shock of a nettle sting. In my mind, I think like I landed on something that's gone into my foot. It's just shooting pain. I come out of the water screaming. Probably says something about the kind of kid I was that no one immediately like looked for what's wrong with Kyle.
11:21 Dax Shepard? But Standard.
11:22 Speaker 03 I start swimming into the shore as fast as I can. Somewhere in the swim, I realized what must have happened. So it feels like there was a bunch of hair gel in my bathing suit.
11:35 Speaker 01 Oh.
11:35 Speaker 03 And I just take it off so that I can get away from the nettle.
11:39 Dax Shepard? Oh.
11:40 Speaker 03 And then I'm high step running out of the water with 25 people around, including two very cute neighbor girls who I had been talking to throughout the summer.
11:50 Dax Shepard? And you've got your shorts completely off.
11:52 Speaker 03 Totally off. 12 year old Heine just running towards the house. My Papa had put in like this shower stall, so I run into there. I lock it. I'm just crying, hiding, embarrassed. And I'm trying to rip off these nettles that are wrapped around my leg. Everything else you can imagine below the belly button.
12:14 Dax Shepard? Will you explain nettles just a little bit? Cause I'm not familiar with that term.
12:17 Speaker 03 Think jellyfish, think like Finding Nemo, those sort of jellyfish. The, these are called stingy nettles there. It is what you imagine. Tentacles with the bards that stick and sting.
12:30 Dax Shepard? So it's like spaghetti, uh, like fed it, um, no, um, vermicelli all over your thighs.
12:36 Speaker 03 Yes, but less strong than a spaghetti string. So it's not only falling apart all over the place and seeing my hands, but it's also sharp. You know, it feels like you're cutting glass.
12:48 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. This is a nightmare.
12:51 Dax Shepard? Yeah, this is sadistic.
12:53 Speaker 03 Yeah, so I've got ants banging on the walls, trying to get in and figure out what's going on at this point. I finally let one of them in. She knows what's going on because I'm yelling at her. She brings in gloves and is trying to clean things off. She thinks to turn on the shower, which I didn't think of at all. And it pretty much runs off at that point. The kick to the story is that my Papa went to go get the gel they use. It's like cowamine lotion for the sting. The grocery store is 45 minutes away. And so I'm about 30 minutes post being in the stall when I just want to go inside and be away from everybody. My aunt convinces me that we can put some baking soda paste on. Supposed to help with the barbs and keep it from hurting so bad.
13:37 Speaker 03 So she starts applying this all over me.
13:40 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow.
13:41 Speaker 03 I basically have a baking soda diaper at that point.
13:44 Dax Shepard? Okay. Can I ask what's going on with your penis at this point? Is your penis fully out on the scene? Are you holding it with your hands?
13:51 Speaker 03 My hands are aching and my penis is throbbing, you know? I don't remember this vividly.
13:59 Dax Shepard? Okay.
14:00 Speaker 03 I remember the night after in bed and just feeling like my heartbeat through my pelvis, through my hands from the nettles being on there.
14:09 Speaker 01 How many nettles were there?
14:11 Speaker 03 It was one giant.
14:13 Dax Shepard? Was Auntie seeing? I mean, you were just nude, right?
14:16 Speaker 01 She was seeing.
14:17 Speaker 03 Everything was out there.
14:18 Dax Shepard? Yeah, and she's rubbing your thighs with baking soda.
14:22 Speaker 01 She's touching your pelvis area?
14:25 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
14:25 Speaker 01 Wow.
14:26 Dax Shepard? It needed to be done.
14:27 Speaker 03 You guys are really focusing on this more than I think I did as a child.
14:31 Dax Shepard? Trying to remember being 12 and my aunt smearing baking soda on my upper and inner thighs while my genitalia is out. How can one not think of that?
14:39 Speaker 01 And 12 is the precarious time because.
14:42 Dax Shepard? I'm horny at 12.
14:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, like you said, the girls.
14:45 Dax Shepard? Yeah, imagine the cute girls who are applying the baking soda. Now what are we dealing with?
14:48 Speaker 01 Oh, Jesus.
14:49 Speaker 03 I was not into domination at that age in my life. The pain of those barbs in there, the thought was off the table. So we're walking out. You okay? Cousins are laughing. Like any good older cousin, my cousin Matt thought it was a good idea to pull down my towel that was wrapped around me.
15:08 Dax Shepard? Oh, man.
15:10 Speaker 03 Everybody, the neighbors included, would come over to have some crab and see what's going on. Just gotta look at baking soda diapers. So crybaby Kyle is my nickname for the entire summer. And I ran inside, waited for Papa.
15:27 Speaker 01 Matt, boys are so mean.
15:29 Dax Shepard? I don't think in this case it's boys. I think cousins. Cousins are relentless to each other. They're just like siblings.
15:36 Speaker 01 Lincoln wouldn't pull down Delta's towel.
15:39 Dax Shepard? Mandy and Kelly would have pulled down my towel and pointed at my penis and made jokes.
15:44 Speaker 03 Which is what they were expecting. The diaper did not make it any better.
15:50 Dax Shepard? Diaper?
15:51 Speaker 01 Okay, so the diaper is a big pop out. You know, no one was expecting that. But in some ways, it's better-ish. Maybe it's camouflaging a bit of the bits.
16:01 Speaker 03 Yeah, could have had a hog under that diaper.
16:03 Speaker 01 Yeah, exactly.
16:05 Dax Shepard? Pull that hog out of that.
16:07 Speaker 01 Twelve year old boy.
16:08 Dax Shepard? Baking soda diaper.
16:11 Speaker 01 Wow, yikes.
16:12 Dax Shepard? And you need Papa. You need Papa to return home.
16:15 Speaker 03 Yeah, and everyone to leave, which didn't happen for another 12 hours or so.
16:19 Dax Shepard? The party raged on.
16:21 Speaker 01 Seems like you came back stronger, though.
16:23 Speaker 03 It's still my favorite place in the whole world.
16:25 Dax Shepard? They still have it?
16:26 Speaker 03 No, unfortunately, and Papa are gone now. We went back to Maryland with my kids. I gotta take them. Just show them the river, go out on a boat.
16:34 Speaker 01 That's long.
16:34 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Well, Kyle, what a sweet story. I'm sorry that happened to you. Did it like scare you off of jumping in the river or no?
16:41 Speaker 03 No, but it did make me wear nylons when I went skiing because apparently that keeps from getting stung. But I got stung probably half dozen times. They're everywhere in August and your kid will swim. So never so bad as to get the bits again.
16:57 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Wow, I'm picturing a young man in stockings skiing, like a pantyhose. You'd put on pantyhose?
17:03 Speaker 03 Yeah.
17:04 Speaker 01 Wow.
17:05 Dax Shepard? Boy, they make it tough sometimes in life.
17:06 Speaker 01 Life's tough, yeah.
17:09 Dax Shepard? Well, Kyle, what a delightful, innocent, sad story.
17:12 Speaker 01 I liked that.
17:13 Dax Shepard? That's also cute.
17:14 Speaker 03 Hopefully a good start to Wild Card. I can't wait to hear what else comes your way today. It probably feels obligatory for you both to hear us say thank you so much at the end of these things, but it means a lot to me. I was a fan of Rob from Inside of You before you guys started. Like to say to my friends who are also listeners that I'm a before day one listener.
17:36 Speaker 01 That's big.
17:38 Speaker 03 I love you guys. Monica, Sync is the way that I get to hear like a part of the world that I don't always get to listen to and talk about things that married me with a bunch of kids doesn't always get the perspective on. And I can't thank you guys enough for doing this. Keep it going. Have fun and thanks for having me.
17:55 Dax Shepard? Well, your wife got a good catch.
17:58 Speaker 01 She snagged one.
17:59 Dax Shepard? I'm telling you, her husband's listening to Sync to stay dialed into the perspective. Does she deserve you, Kyle? I don't know.
18:07 Speaker 01 We're gonna send her a test and see.
18:10 Dax Shepard? And to answer your question, it does not feel obligatory and we sincerely every time are equally shocked and delighted and grateful.
18:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, very grateful.
18:19 Speaker 03 Well, this asymmetrical relationship is as strong as ever.
18:24 Speaker 01 Thank you. So nice to meet you.
18:26 Dax Shepard? So great meeting you, Kyle.
18:27 Speaker 01 Have a great day.
18:28 Speaker 03 Bye you guys.
18:29 Dax Shepard? Bye.
18:31 Dax Shepard? What a sweet pie.
18:33 Speaker 01 Where's my Kyle?
18:34 Dax Shepard? Kyle.
18:35 Speaker 01 Kyle, where are you?
18:36 Dax Shepard? Knock, knock, Kyle. In this interim, will you keep this in? I don't know what you keep in in the middle.
18:42 Speaker 01 Yeah, you don't know. Sometimes I keep stuff, sometimes I cut it.
18:45 Dax Shepard? You keep me guessing. I guess that's part of the fun of it all. I can't nail you down.
18:48 Speaker 01 That story was an incredible ding ding ding though.
18:52 Dax Shepard? How so?
18:53 Speaker 01 Right before we started, we were just talking about my sting.
18:57 Dax Shepard? Oh, yes, your bee sting.
18:58 Speaker 01 I got a bee sting.
19:00 Dax Shepard? From Ozin.
19:01 Speaker 01 It was a bit of hubris because I had a ring on my finger that I refused to take off because it's a very special ring. And then it really disrupted the situation on my finger.
19:13 Dax Shepard? Well, I would say for people to imagine what your finger looked like yesterday, take a condom and fill it completely with water and then take a hair tie and tie it around as tight as you can, the base of the condom. And that's what your finger looked like yesterday with this ring on it. And I had to beg you, Moni, please let me cut that off of you. It was as bad. You have got a pattern in life, Monica. You're this very weird mix of hypochondriac and then when real stuff's happening, you completely ignore the real stuff.
19:42 Speaker 01 I actually thought of that. I was like, how dare all these people call me a hypochondriac? I am not a hypochondriac. I don't even get shit fixed where like my finger might fall off.
19:53 Dax Shepard? Your finger was gonna fall off. Your ear, it's shocking. You still have your whole ear. When I had to remove those earrings. That's what I'm saying. It's this wonderful contradiction between fear of things and then when you have things, you don't care at all.
20:04 Speaker 01 Well, you know what the through line is? Jewelry. I really care about preserving that jewelry.
20:10 Dax Shepard? It's like when you crash your motorcycle on your first thought is like, is the motorcycle okay?
20:14 Speaker 01 I bought that ring after I booked my first commercial here.
20:18 Dax Shepard? That's sweet as a reward.
20:20 Speaker 01 Yeah, as a reward. And it's been on that finger. I mean, I've taken it off every now and then for like a another commercial or something.
20:28 Dax Shepard? Or more money.
20:30 Speaker 01 But that thing's been on my finger for like 13 years.
20:33 Dax Shepard? You can get it put back on. It's not ruined.
20:36 Speaker 01 I think it's the key to my success and I think my success is over.
20:39 Dax Shepard? Okay, it was really that you put half your eyelid down. So I didn't even get to get to my interstitial. I'll save it for the next one. That's okay.
20:46 Speaker 01 Well, mine was timely.
20:47 Dax Shepard? Stay tuned. If that's in, stay tuned for my interstitial between Thalia.
20:51 Speaker 02 Talia.
20:52 Dax Shepard? Talia and Annie. All right.
20:54 Speaker 01 Mine was very timely to Kyle's story. So important.
20:57 Dax Shepard? Mine might be too. I'll figure out between now and then.
21:00 Speaker 01 You're gonna make yours about a sting?
21:01 Dax Shepard? I'll figure it out. I'll come up with a segue that is seamless.
21:13 Dax Shepard? We get support from Gusto. So here's the thing about running a small business that nobody romanticizes. It's not the big idea that wears you down. It's the payroll, the tax filings, the wait, do I need workers comp for this stuff? That's the part that quietly eats away your whole afternoon, which is where Gusto comes in. Gusto is online payroll and benefit software built for small businesses. It's all in one, remote friendly and incredibly easy to use so you can pay, onboard and support your team. From anywhere. They handle automatic tax filing, direct deposits, health benefits, 401k, all of it. And you get unlimited payroll runs for one monthly price. No hidden fees,
21:54 Dax Shepard? no surprises. If something tricky comes up, you've got direct access to certified HR experts who actually know what they're talking about. And they're ranked number one on G2's highest satisfaction products list for 2026, entrusted by over 500,000 small businesses. That's not nothing. Try Gusto today at gusto.com/dax and get three months free when you run your first payroll. That's three months of free payroll at gusto.com/dax. Again, that's gusto.com/dax. We get support from No Bull. The holidays can get hectic. You finally hit a post summer routine and suddenly you're on hosting duty every week.
22:36 Speaker 01 That's when you really need to ground yourself.
22:38 Dax Shepard? Exactly. And that's why I keep my training routine through the holidays. It's the whole No Bull idea. There's a no bullshit training brand built around consistency, honesty, and just putting in the work. It's not about adding more pressure to an already packed schedule. It's about having the gear and the habits to move through the season your way. My personal favorite, all three of the shoes are fantastic. The Outwork, the Outwork Flex, and the Drive 2. I like the Drive 2 because it's a hybrid. And I lift, of course, but I also like to do what's called box jumps. Right? I do a lot of jumping onto a little platform and I want a little more flexibility. And boy, do they deliver.
23:15 Speaker 01 And if you're a cardio person and you're running and you also need to be lifting.
23:19 Dax Shepard? And the style is banging. I don't know what to say. Beautiful style, very breathable, very, very comfortable, lots of support. They were built for lifting.
23:27 Speaker 01 They also make a great holiday gift. You know, I love gifting, a purposeful one that actually supports someone's goals and routines. And it's not a gift that just ends up in the back of a closet.
23:36 Dax Shepard? Stay stronger than the season. Head to nobullproject.com all holiday season to shop new deals every week. This episode is supported by Helix.
23:48 Speaker 01 Okay, can we talk about how November is basically survival mode? Between the holidays, the travel, the hosting, the cooking, the everything. Sleep is the one thing keeping me from completely unraveling.
23:58 Dax Shepard? It really is the foundation. And I think people underestimate how much a bad mattress is quietly ruining their day. You wake up stiff, your back's angry, you're already behind before your feet hit the floor.
24:09 Speaker 01 That was me before Helix. I took their sleep quiz, which is so fast, it's taking like two minutes, and they matched me to a mattress that actually fits how I sleep. Not a guess, not a firm or soft coin flip, it's a real match. I have a midnight mattress and I really like it. I was noticing it because I actually had to sleep in one of my other beds recently. That doesn't have a Helix mattress on it and I really could tell a big difference in my sleep.
24:32 Dax Shepard? Temperature was all over the map.
24:33 Speaker 01 It was a mess. I need a new one.
24:35 Dax Shepard? Look, they've got over 20 mattress models. So whether you sleep hot, need extra back support, or you've got a partner who moves around all night, there's one built for you. Plus free shipping and a 365 night happy with Helix guarantee. That's a full year to decide.
24:50 Speaker 01 Helix has been named the most awarded mattress by Forbes, Wired and more. So it's not just us being enthusiastic, the experts agree.
24:56 Dax Shepard? Right now, Helix is running their Black Friday sale with up to 30% off. Go to helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. That's helixsleep.com/armchair for up to 30% off your Helix mattress. Helixsleep.com/armchair. We are supported by Squarespace. So here's something I think about a lot. Most people I talk to on this show, the ones doing really interesting things, they all had a version of their work that existed before anyone else saw it. It was just theirs, notes, ideas, projects they were tinkering with. And then at some point, they made the decision to share it. That's the part that's scary, right? Going from I'm working on something to here's what I made. Rob went through the exact same thing, building our site on Squarespace.
25:41 Dax Shepard? And what made it doable was that he didn't have to become a web developer overnight. He just had to show up with the idea. Squarespace handles the rest. Beautiful templates that actually look like you hired someone, built in SEO so people can find you, email campaigns, scheduling, analytics, all under one roof. No code. No patchwork of random tools. And honestly, the thing I keep coming back to is how low the barrier is. If you've got something you've been building quietly and you're ready for people to see it, Squarespace makes that leap feel a lot less traumatic. Head to Squarespace.com/dax for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code DAX to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.
26:29 Speaker 04 Hello.
26:30 Speaker 01 Hi.
26:31 Dax Shepard? Oh, that's a cute Nike Air sweatshirt.
26:34 Speaker 01 I want that.
26:35 Speaker 04 Thank you. I just got it.
26:36 Dax Shepard? Is it vintage or new?
26:38 Speaker 04 I would give it to you. It's vintage. My girlfriend gave it to me. She's so sweet.
26:42 Speaker 01 Oh, it's incredibly cute.
26:44 Dax Shepard? Very cute. The Nike is in pink and the Air and the Shush are in copper or gold?
26:49 Speaker 01 Goldy copper and it has a good neckline. I like the structure of the sweatshirt.
26:54 Speaker 04 That's my favorite.
26:55 Dax Shepard? Could you pronounce your name? I don't want to mess it up.
26:57 Speaker 04 Thalia with a T H.
26:59 Dax Shepard? Thalia. Wonderful. Where did mom and dad get Thalia?
27:03 Speaker 04 My mom named me after a news reporter.
27:05 Speaker 01 Oh.
27:06 Dax Shepard? Like a local celebrity?
27:07 Speaker 04 I don't know if she was local. My mom just told me that she saw the name on TV and liked it.
27:14 Dax Shepard? Oh, I like that. Where are you from?
27:16 Speaker 04 Originally, I'm from Illinois, but I live in San Diego right now.
27:19 Dax Shepard? San Diego style.
27:22 Speaker 01 You're close by.
27:23 Dax Shepard? Okay, this is a wild card, so feel free to do whatever you want and tell us whatever. And give Monica your sweatshirt.
27:28 Speaker 04 Yes, I would love to give you. Please, I would send it to you immediately.
27:32 Speaker 01 I could never.
27:33 Speaker 04 Don't tell my girlfriend, but.
27:35 Speaker 01 No, you deserve that sweatshirt.
27:38 Speaker 04 Oh, thank you so much. So I actually got selected for a different prompt and I missed the email.
27:45 Dax Shepard? Oh, that's okay.
27:46 Speaker 01 You know what? I get it.
27:48 Speaker 04 It's so unfortunate, but Emma was so kind and reached out to me recently for this episode and was like, "Hey, I remembered your story. Do you want to do it for the wild card episode?" And I was freaking out. I like ran into work. I was like, guys.
28:02 Dax Shepard? Emma's a blessing.
28:04 Speaker 01 Oh, hell yeah, she is.
28:05 Speaker 04 I feel like my emails sounded so crazy, but I was like, oh, my God, oh, my God. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
28:10 Speaker 01 Oh, we're all about second chances here at Armchair Expert.
28:14 Dax Shepard? We are now, yeah. That's now our official. What if we change from messy, nasty human being to podcast about second chances?
28:19 Speaker 01 Oh, my God, it's even more grotesque.
28:23 Dax Shepard? Yeah, puke.
28:24 Speaker 04 Yeah.
28:24 Dax Shepard? Okay.
28:26 Speaker 04 Well, I'm really excited. The story takes place in Illinois, where I'm from, in my college town, Charleston, Illinois, EIU, if anyone knows.
28:37 Dax Shepard? What year did you graduate?
28:38 Speaker 04 2021.
28:40 Dax Shepard? You're a youngster.
28:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, you are.
28:42 Speaker 04 I am 25.
28:44 Dax Shepard? You're either a youngster or a dum-dum.
28:46 Speaker 01 No.
28:46 Dax Shepard? Yeah, like it could have taken her 12 years to go through college. Those are the two options on the table.
28:50 Speaker 01 That wouldn't necessarily mean she was dumb.
28:52 Speaker 04 I'm happy to be labeled as either.
28:54 Dax Shepard? It took me six years.
28:55 Speaker 04 Hey, I'm proud of you. It took me four and a half, but that's close. Close enough.
29:00 Dax Shepard? Who cares?
29:01 Speaker 04 Yeah, so I was just getting back to Charleston. My senior year of college was about to start. It was gonna be a few weeks until the school year started, but I was in a sorority at the time. So there were some obligations I needed to do, like we had like a little video shoot for Russian.
29:17 Speaker 01 Oh, wow. That's fancy.
29:19 Speaker 04 Yeah. I get to Charleston and I'm not feeling super well. I'd just gotten back. The last thing I had eaten was cheese curds from Culvers and I'm lactose intolerant. So I was like, okay, I had a tummy ache. So I go to the sorority thing. I tell everyone, hi, I'm not feeling so good, but I'm here.
29:39 Dax Shepard? I got a belly full of cheese curds. And are you Asian?
29:42 Speaker 04 People think that all the time. I am just white.
29:45 Dax Shepard? I kind of thought it, and then when I heard lactose intolerant, I remember 90% of Asians are lactose intolerant. Then they'd all add it up.
29:50 Speaker 01 You take such big swings with your ass, I gotta say.
29:54 Dax Shepard? I know. Are you astounded that I'm still in business?
29:57 Speaker 01 That one is, wow. Okay, go on.
30:00 Dax Shepard? Wait, which part? That she looked Asian or that Asians are 90% lactose intolerant? Well, cuz.
30:06 Speaker 01 You just didn't need to know that.
30:07 Dax Shepard? Cheese curds, okay.
30:09 Speaker 04 That's so good. No, a lot of people do ask me that, so don't feel bad. Nobody believes that I am white.
30:14 Dax Shepard? Just a old fashioned honky.
30:16 Speaker 01 That's fun though, because then you're exotic. It didn't come with the marginalization.
30:21 Speaker 04 Right, right.
30:21 Speaker 01 There you go. Win-win.
30:23 Speaker 04 I ended up going home early from this thing and then progressively over the next four days, my stomach is getting worse. I'm constipated for sure.
30:31 Dax Shepard? Okay, so you weren't dealing with Harnes Rias those four days?
30:36 Speaker 04 Say that again?
30:36 Speaker 01 That's Dax's word for diarrhea.
30:37 Dax Shepard? Yeah, Harnes Rias. It sounds a little more something.
30:41 Speaker 01 It sounds cuter.
30:41 Speaker 04 It's beautiful. I wasn't going to the bathroom like at all. So I went to the pharmacy and I was like, okay, I gotta figure this out. So I kind of explored multiple different routes over this four day period. I took a bunch of laxatives. I drank a bunch of black coffee.
30:58 Speaker 01 Oh, sure.
30:59 Speaker 04 Nothing was working. And I was like, damn, this is the worst constipation I've ever had in my whole life. Like, it hurts so bad.
31:07 Dax Shepard? Are you someone that had dealt with constipation frequently or is this out of the blue?
31:11 Speaker 04 Pretty frequently. As a lactose intolerant person who loves everything dairy, my fate's sealed. But it's not getting any better. I felt so bad. I didn't want to eat anything. And I don't know why, I just kind of ignored that part. And I was like, nothing's working. I don't know what's going on. At the end of this period of time, I'm with a friend and I wake up in the middle of the night. I turn over to her, I nudge her, I'm like, I don't feel good. I quite literally have a terrible gut feeling. I think it's time I go to the hospital. And like, I had never been to the hospital really before. And she's like, I've had constipation that's really, really painful. Like, you're probably fine. And I'm like, I'm gonna go. So she's like, okay, let me know what happens. So I go to the hospital.
31:50 Speaker 01 Let me know what happens. Why doesn't she go with you?
31:54 Dax Shepard? What's she gonna do? She's not a doctor.
31:55 Speaker 01 It's nice to support your friends. My god.
31:58 Dax Shepard? She's not a cab driver. She's not a doctor. She's not a paramedic.
32:01 Speaker 04 So I drive to this ER and it's so quiet. It's 2020, so you have to go up to the door, tell them about your symptoms and ask to be let in. Or they like assess you there, they take your temperature. Basically, they're like, why are you here? Two nurses approached the door. They're like, what are your symptoms? Take my temp. And he's like, well, there's not much we can do for a stomach ache.
32:20 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
32:22 Speaker 04 He said, do you want me to leave? Should I go home? And the other nurse was kind of like, sorry about him. No, please come inside. I'm like, okay.
32:30 Dax Shepard? We haven't seen a patient in a week.
32:31 Speaker 04 Anyway, it was wild. So. They let me in and like no one's there. Was it really so much trouble?
32:36 Speaker 01 Also, that was dumb of him because obviously they need to check for, I don't want to ruin the story. I don't know if it's happened appendix.
32:44 Dax Shepard? Oh.
32:44 Speaker 01 Okay, go on.
32:46 Dax Shepard? That's good. You should guess out loud. That's a good guess.
32:48 Speaker 01 Cause I don't want to ruin it if it's true. Okay.
32:50 Speaker 04 No, I love it when you guys guess.
32:52 Dax Shepard? Monica has a guess.
32:53 Speaker 01 I have a guess, but I'm not gonna say it.
32:54 Dax Shepard? She thinks your appendix are in trouble.
32:56 Speaker 01 Okay, my god. Can't you just respect my needs?
33:00 Dax Shepard? I don't know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
33:03 Speaker 04 I will say that was not on my mind in any way. I also was 21 years old and I was like, my tummy always hurts. I'm a girl and I eat a lot of dairy. Like, I wasn't even worried really. I just was like, I don't feel good. Please help.
33:16 Dax Shepard? You just want an x-ray, right?
33:18 Speaker 01 Just do something.
33:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, like, take a picture of my insides, please.
33:21 Speaker 04 Yeah, so I go in, I am there for about eight hours. They give me an x-ray, I get a CAT scan. But I found out through this process that it's incredibly hard to get like an IV in my arms or even draw blood at all.
33:34 Dax Shepard? You're not vascular.
33:36 Speaker 04 No, not at all. So they couldn't give me, I think it's iodine, when you go to a CAT scan, through an IV, which is quicker. But I had to drink it over hours and then I had to go get my CAT scan. So it took forever.
33:49 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah.
33:49 Speaker 04 After like eight hours has passed, the doctor comes in, but he's like, I don't know how to tell you this, your appendix has ruptured and your entire body is infected.
33:59 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
34:01 Dax Shepard? You're like almost septic.
34:02 Speaker 01 Holy shit.
34:03 Speaker 04 I was beyond septic. I didn't know that at the time. I also didn't know what septic was at the time.
34:08 Speaker 01 Oh.
34:09 Speaker 04 He didn't say that. He just was like, we have to get you immediately to a hospital and you're gonna have to go get an emergency surgery. He's calling all these hospitals in the area and nobody has a bed for me because it's COVID.
34:19 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
34:21 Speaker 04 Cause I needed an interventional radiologist, but I also needed a specific kind of surgeon. Cause there was also like an abscess from the rupture and my organs were failing, leaking.
34:32 Speaker 01 I can't believe you were just waking up and you were like, I guess I'll just drive myself to the doctor.
34:37 Dax Shepard? You're a trooper.
34:38 Speaker 01 Big time.
34:40 Dax Shepard? Dahlia, I would also say, could you go grab that nurse that almost didn't let me in? I'd like to talk to him.
34:45 Speaker 04 I feel like his name is Nick. I don't remember, but I did tell him he was an asshole.
34:48 Dax Shepard? Oh, good.
34:49 Speaker 04 The nurses were helping me out and I was like, you know, the short guy, the short nurse in the front. I'm short too, so no hate, but I was like, he was so mean to me. What if I would have gone home?
35:00 Dax Shepard? You would have died.
35:01 Speaker 04 I would have died. And then he comes in later. I told them not to tell him, but they did. And he came in, he's like, so you think I'm an asshole? And I was like, yes, I do. They had given me so much anti-anxiety meds at this point. I'm gone.
35:12 Speaker 01 Oh my god, he's trying to flirt.
35:14 Dax Shepard? Let it rip.
35:14 Speaker 01 Me cute. Yeah, he's like, so you think I'm an asshole?
35:17 Speaker 04 Yeah, he really thought I was into that.
35:21 Speaker 04 They called the nearest hospital. They don't have beds for me. I have to go to the next state over because they're the only hospital that has the surgeon and the radiologist that I need. I get in the ambulance and they're like asking me all these questions. I'm in and out of consciousness. I don't know if it's from literally dying or from the drugs that are in my system. The last thing I remember is just them asking me the questions and then I wake up and I have had surgery. I think that I just had an appendectomy and I'm gonna go home. I did not know, but I was fully septic, if not beyond. My white blood cell count was so far beyond the qualifications for sepsis. The doctors were like, did you not feel pain? You're like a miracle. How are you walking? How are you here?
36:05 Speaker 04 And so I just was like, yeah, I felt pain, but I thought I was constipated.
36:10 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
36:11 Speaker 04 So I spent about 10 days in the hospital with a lot of morphine, a lot of antibiotics, a lot of fluids, a lot of drugs. Drawing my blood was absolutely necessary and they just couldn't do it sometimes. And they would just come back and keep trying and keep trying.
36:28 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
36:30 Speaker 04 That was worse than anything else. Trigger warning for needles, got everywhere on my arms and my hands. It was so bad.
36:36 Dax Shepard? Why didn't they put a line in?
36:38 Speaker 04 So they did and it didn't work. I was able to get fluids in, but they couldn't draw blood out of it.
36:44 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
36:45 Speaker 04 It was like a sick joke. I was so ready to be done. And I had a pick line or a midline or whatever they're called in this arm. I was able to get my antibiotics through it, but they installed it specifically to draw blood because they were having so much trouble. Sending all these people in trying to get it out of me and they just couldn't.
37:01 Speaker 01 Maybe you didn't have any blood.
37:03 Dax Shepard? What if someone came in with like a, um, a pocket knife at some point in a cup? And they're like, listen, we're just gonna have to cut.
37:09 Speaker 04 Honestly, it probably would have been less painful than what I'd already experienced anyway. I didn't fully process how sick I was even until like a year later. I had no idea that I was dying and my organs were failing me.
37:22 Speaker 01 That's scary.
37:23 Speaker 04 My infection continued after I got out of the hospital. It was not gone. It was to a point where it was like manageable and that I would just have to do a couple of weeks of IV therapy, daily antibiotics for, I would just say like two to three weeks. I missed the beginning of my senior year. So I got to go home, but because of licensing issues across state lines, they couldn't authorize any doctor to administer my IV antibiotics to me. They had to get a home healthcare nurse to come teach me how to do my own IV.
37:57 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to do this too. And then I taught my girls how to do it, how to flush the line, put in the first thing. It became a little thing they would do.
38:06 Speaker 04 Yeah, I mean, I played doctor for a couple of weeks. It was cool. I remember saline, blood thinner, antibiotics, saline again, close it up, clean it, do it again the next day. I was immunocompromised as well because I was so sick, so I couldn't go anywhere.
38:20 Dax Shepard? Did you lose a bunch of weight?
38:21 Speaker 04 I did. I lost so much weight. It's funny because when I showed up at my sorority photo shoot, my belly was like humongous because it was so.
38:31 Speaker 01 Destined.
38:32 Speaker 04 Destroyed and inflamed and sick.
38:35 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
38:36 Speaker 04 It was summer too, so you could see the shape of my body. I'm four eleven. I'm a pretty small girl. So someone had told me that I was like looking thick and I was like, that is an insane thing to say, but I'm gonna ignore that.
38:47 Speaker 01 That is an insane thing to say.
38:48 Speaker 04 I look back at it and I look at photos from that time and I'm like, I can't believe my appendix was just ruptured in this photo. It was ruptured for four days while I was just walking around.
38:57 Speaker 01 You're so lucky.
38:59 Speaker 04 I know. I don't know how I managed.
39:01 Dax Shepard? I want there to be some kind of contest you can enter. It's a. Pain threshold contest. Like, maybe you could be a world champion.
39:09 Speaker 01 I think you might be.
39:10 Dax Shepard? Some of these Japanese game shows, do you ever see these, Monica? Where it's like they torture people?
39:15 Speaker 01 No.
39:16 Dax Shepard? You know, these game shows?
39:17 Speaker 01 Not.
39:17 Dax Shepard? Maybe that could be, you could endure like some.
39:20 Speaker 04 I feel like I've won the contest by like being here.
39:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, by living.
39:24 Speaker 04 Being here and being on the podcast as well, this is so exciting. So I'm like, oh, if that didn't happen, then I guess I wouldn't be here.
39:29 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
39:30 Speaker 04 So it'd be for me.
39:30 Dax Shepard? Maybe Nick's listening to, let's hope Nick's listening.
39:33 Speaker 01 I hope he's not a listener, he's a dick.
39:35 Speaker 04 I hope he's out there. I hope his name is Nick. I don't know if that is. I feel like it was. So I wrote in for the near death prompt.
39:42 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
39:42 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah.
39:43 Speaker 01 Thank you for sharing that very harrowing story.
39:46 Dax Shepard? Yes. Nice meeting you, Thalia. Tell your mom we really liked the name and she did well.
39:51 Speaker 04 Thank you. She will freak out if I even tell her you said that.
39:55 Speaker 01 Have a great day.
39:57 Speaker 04 Bye.
40:00 Speaker 01 That was worse than I thought. I had a sense it was an appendix situation, but I didn't know she was full septic.
40:05 Dax Shepard? 10 days. Have you ever stayed in the hospital, Monica?
40:08 Speaker 01 Knock on wood.
40:09 Dax Shepard? So no, and then knock on wood?
40:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
40:11 Dax Shepard? Okay. I did three days. By day three, I was like, oh, my God, I might just leave. I can't imagine 10 days.
40:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, feeling stuck.
40:20 Dax Shepard? Or Jeff Bridges, what was it, five weeks, five solid weeks? Time moves so weird there.
40:26 Speaker 01 Ugh, yeah, no thanks.
40:28 Dax Shepard? I do like the attention on they come in all the time. Hey, what's going on? They got a chart.
40:41 Dax Shepard? We get support from Skims. Okay, I have a confession.
40:46 Speaker 01 Hmm.
40:46 Dax Shepard? I genuinely love matching pajamas. It's the best part of Christmas morning, really. Everyone in the same matching set, looking ridiculously cute in front of the tree.
40:55 Speaker 01 I love matching pajamas. I'm literally going to be in coordinating sets with all my friends this holiday season because I got them, spoiler to my friends who are listening, the same Skims pajama set I've been living in. They are so soft and cozy and they look cute. So you can leave the house and go get a late night hot chocolate, be cozy.
41:16 Dax Shepard? Hmm. It's so great how Skims has sets for everyone, too. Women's, men's, kids, even your pets. So nobody in your life has to be left out this year.
41:26 Speaker 01 I have a bunch of different pajama sets. One of my favorite is the organic cotton sleep long sleeve set.
41:33 Dax Shepard? Okay.
41:34 Speaker 01 It is so comfortable, very chic, too. The top is a button down, but very, very soft, easy to sleep in. But as I said before, you can multi-purpose this and look super cute.
41:46 Dax Shepard? Hot chocolate runs. It's like the pajamas we grew up in, except without the scratchy polyester that made opening presents feel more like a hot yoga class that nobody signed up for.
41:55 Speaker 01 All the nostalgia, none of the discomfort. Shop my favorite loungewear and pajamas at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcasts in the survey and be sure to select armchair expert in the dropdown menu that follows. If you're looking for the perfect gifts for everyone on your list, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com.
42:15 Dax Shepard? We are supported by Walden University. You know that feeling when you've been thinking about making a move, going after the degree, the promotion, the thing you keep telling yourself you'll get to someday? Walden University is built for that moment. For over 50 years, Walden has helped working professionals get the W, the knowledge, the skills and the confidence to create real change in their careers and communities. Their programs are designed around your life, not the other way around. With Tempo Learning, available in select programs, there are no rigid schedules or set weekly deadlines. You move at your own pace. And Walden's faculty aren't just academics. They're practitioners who bring real world experience into everything they teach.
42:58 Dax Shepard? From your first class to career coaching and beyond, Walden is your partner the whole way. Take the first step and learn at a pace that works for you. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by CHEV. We get support from superhuman. Look, I love what I do. The conversations, the ideas, the creative stuff, but there's this whole other layer of work that eats my day alive. The inbox that never ends. Docs I need to get through, threads I'm behind on. And by the time I've dealt with all that, the stuff I actually want to focus on gets whatever's left. What I need is- Was something that just works where I'm already working, not another tab to open,
43:40 Dax Shepard? not another thing to set up. Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly is different. It's already right there inside your email, your docs, your browser. You don't go to it. It's already working alongside you. You're deep in a long thread, highlight it and it pulls the key points. About to send something important, it flags what doesn't add up before it leaves your hands. It knows your style, your workflows, and it just backs you up without getting in the way. A thought partner that's already up to speed at your service, not after your job. So, do yourself a favor and try Superhuman Go from the makers of Grammarly. Find out more at superhuman.com.
44:27 Dax Shepard? What was the story you wanted to tell? I'm gonna now kick it down the road between Annie and Caitlin. Okay.
44:32 Speaker 02 Here comes Annie.
44:33 Dax Shepard? Here comes Amos. Well, Amos Moses lived by himself in the swamp, hunted alligator for a living. Just hit him in the head with the stump. Son, Louisiana gator gonna get you, Amos. Hi, Annie.
44:46 Speaker 05 Hi, guys. How are you?
44:47 Dax Shepard? Are you a car lover or is your lover a car lover?
44:51 Speaker 05 We all are car lovers. We have two convertible Mustangs in our household.
44:57 Dax Shepard? Oh.
44:58 Speaker 05 I'm in his office. He works from home.
45:00 Dax Shepard? Is that a 68?
45:01 Speaker 05 You know what? Okay.
45:06 Dax Shepard? Sure enough. And where are you Mustang owner?
45:10 Speaker 05 We are in Sacramento.
45:13 Dax Shepard? Oh, okay. Our state's capital.
45:15 Speaker 05 It's where I grew up, but I raised my kids in Seattle, which is where the story takes place.
45:21 Dax Shepard? Well, take us to Seattle.
45:22 Speaker 05 Okay. July 2020, solid in the pandemic. Kids are going stir crazy. Fourth of July is coming up and we have some very close friends who live in Idaho. So everyone in Seattle is fully masked. We're not doing anything. There are no Fourth of July plans. Our friends call and say, hey, guess what? I could get canceled for this. So they go to Idaho. My friends live in what's called Rexburg and it is where BYU Idaho is.
45:55 Dax Shepard? They have a Brigham Young University there?
45:57 Speaker 05 Correct.
45:58 Dax Shepard? Okay. How old are your kids, by the way, in this story?
46:00 Speaker 05 At the time, sixteen and eighteen. Today, they are twenty and twenty-two.
46:04 Dax Shepard? Okay, sixteen and eighteen, that's ripe age for some mischief.
46:08 Speaker 05 Yes, and they are both girls. So we send them off and they come back and the younger one created a little crush on one of the LDS kids. And I had told my friend who is LDS, I said, do not let them get a crush on any of these LDS boys because you know they marry at like twelve.
46:28 Dax Shepard? Yeah, they'll go on mission and your daughter will miss him so much she'll convince herself that they should be married.
46:33 Speaker 05 Exactly. We are not LDS. So they come back and she says, I met this boy and he's really sweet and cute. And I call my friend, I'm like, who is this boy? And she says, oh, he's a nice kid, friends of our kids. Fine. About five weeks later, she says, hey, that boy, he's coming to visit his grandma who lives in Kirkland, so it's right next to Redmond. I said, oh, okay. She goes, we're gonna meet out at the lake and we're gonna go hang out. So I'm gonna give you some details that need to be in, but it's gonna be weird.
47:01 Dax Shepard? Great.
47:02 Speaker 05 She wakes up that morning at like seven AM, unlike her, especially during the pandemic, everybody's sleeping in. I'm all, what are you doing? She goes, oh, a friend of mine stopped by and gave me coffee. I'm like, nobody knocked on the door? Yeah, he came around the corner and gave it in my bedroom window. Oh. And I'm all, okay, don't have your friends go through the bedroom window. Please have them knock, even if it's seven AM. You know I'm awake.
47:26 Dax Shepard? One quick second. To me, if I'm the parent, I'm like, there's more to this story than someone came to your window and brought you coffee. Were you suspicious and just letting it go? Or what was happening?
47:36 Speaker 05 I'm not suspicious because she had had a crush on this boy before the pandemic. So I thought he was just showing up really sweetly. They were not dating or anything, not thinking anything, because I have two girls and one of them is drama, one of them is not. This is the not.
47:51 Dax Shepard? Ah, gotcha. Your guard was down.
47:53 Speaker 05 Correct. So I go about. My day and she goes upstairs and talks to her father who is also working from home. That's all I know about that. Later, she goes off, goes to lake with this boy who's visiting his grandma. And my husband calls me and he says, you know, that whole thing with the boy and the coffee. When she came upstairs, I looked outside. There was a boy walking down the driveway. I said, who is that? She goes, oh, that's that boy. He brought me coffee. He goes, that didn't sit well because last night I heard a noise. It was like two AM. He went downstairs to check on the girls and he goes to the door.
48:35 Speaker 05 And he tries to open it. It's locked. He knocks on the door and she comes up. She goes, what Papa, what?
48:42 Dax Shepard? Oh, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:43 Speaker 05 It's two AM. Why is your door locked? She goes, oh, we stayed up watching TV. I don't know.
48:48 Speaker 01 Oh, that makes no sense. Okay.
48:50 Speaker 05 None of this is fitting. So I call her and I say, where are you? And she goes, I'm at the lake. And I said, so last night's thing, Papa came into your room, the boy at the coffee. Something feels wrong. And she goes, no, nothing's wrong. I'm like, if there's anything wrong, now's the time to tell me. And she says, I got nothing. I'm all, are you sure? She goes, have I ever given you any reason not to trust me?
49:19 Dax Shepard? She was desperate.
49:20 Speaker 05 And I go, no, you haven't. And I want to think everything's fine.
49:25 Speaker 01 Sure.
49:26 Dax Shepard? Yes, yes, yes.
49:27 Speaker 05 So can he come over for dinner? Yes, he can come over for dinner. So we meet this boy. He's fine. I'm not thinking anything. He lives in Idaho.
49:34 Speaker 01 Does your husband say that's the boy that was walking down?
49:38 Speaker 05 No, we're still under the impression there is a boy separate from the Idaho kid. Who's walking down the driveway. So he is hanging around. And for four days, he's hanging around. He's like leaving at night, going to grandma's, showing up at like nine AM. They're going to breakfast. They're watching TV. They're going to the lake. And I'm like, when are you going home? I don't even know you. Go home. And doesn't your grandma want to hang out with you?
50:12 Dax Shepard? Is there a grandma?
50:13 Speaker 05 He says, yeah, my grandma knows I have a big crush on your daughter, so she's okay with me hanging out here. And my husband and I are all, what the freak, go home. We are all done.
50:23 Dax Shepard? All done.
50:23 Speaker 05 Day four. I get up really early. I have a thing I do. I get up, I grab everybody's laundry. Then I go about my day. I do my little journaling. I have a little coffee, the whole nine yards. And I go into the laundry area and I can see there's no laundry for my daughter. I go to get it because I know where it is. It's on the floor of her room. That's how she rolls. So I go and it's locked. What the freak, why is it locked? She whips the door open right then. I said, what are you doing? She goes, oh, I was going to the bathroom. What are you doing? I said, I'm coming to get the laundry that I know is on your floor. And she's all, no, no. And she's like pushing me away. And I go, what are you doing?
51:07 Speaker 05 I just want to get your laundry. And she's like, mama, you know, it's messy. You know, you hate how messy it is.
51:12 Speaker 01 She's really sticking to it. Okay.
51:14 Dax Shepard? She got no choice. He's in a corner.
51:16 Speaker 05 So finally she holds me one more time and I get mad. I'm like, knock it off. By the way, I should have a caveat. Everybody said I could tell the story. So I walk into her room and there is clothes all over the floor and I pick it up. And I put it in to my little bag and I walk in. She goes, where's Papa? And I said, he's upstairs about to get in the shower. And she says, I have a question I want to ask both of you. And I was thinking, she's going to ask if she can drive back to Idaho with this kid. And I said, well, he's upstairs. Go catch him before he gets in the shower. So she goes upstairs. I go to the laundry room, but then I'm like, there's something. And I drop the laundry and I go back into the room. She has sliding doors for her closet.
52:02 Speaker 05 And I open one side of the sliding door and I am like, I hate myself for this. I hate that I don't trust her. And I open one side and there's nothing there. I'm like, okay. And I open the other side and there's feet. And I just take my eyes and there's legs and there's shorts. And there is a 16 year old boy going, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And I just looked at him and I just punched him in the stomach.
52:35 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
52:36 Speaker 05 And I scream, "Get out of my fucking house." And I'm screaming it because I'm not a cusser and I'm screaming it because I know he'll be overwhelmed with the cussing. And so I'm like screaming.
52:48 Speaker 01 As if he's a burglar or stuff.
52:50 Dax Shepard? Or a bear.
52:50 Speaker 05 I yell my daughter's name. "Where are you?" I go upstairs and Michael, he is blissfully standing there, turning his shower on. He has no idea what's going on. I said, "Oh my God, he's in the closet." And he goes, "Fuck the fuck." And he's like trying to get, sweats on. And he runs out and she comes in crying and he looks at her and he goes, "I don't know what's gonna happen to you." Just super quietly. "I don't know what's gonna happen to you."
53:23 Speaker 01 Oh my God, this is so intense. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Is this boy the Idaho boy or is this a different boy? Okay.
53:32 Speaker 05 The friend who brought her the coffee was him. He had driven 10 hours in the middle of the night, crawled through her window and then crawled out of her window. My parents are gonna see this boy walking down the driveway. Which Michael did. Their thought process was...
53:50 Dax Shepard? It was short sighted.
53:52 Speaker 05 I grabbed the dogs because I'm so pissed and I'm like, "I'm going for a walk. I'm so mad." And I'm stomping down the driveway and my other daughter calls. The older daughter is on a road trip. And she goes, "Hey mama." And I'm like, "You knew." And she goes, "Sister's secret."
54:15 Speaker 05 Epilogue, four years later, they're still together.
54:19 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:19 Dax Shepard? Oh wow, they're still together. And do you like him?
54:23 Speaker 05 After much therapy, we like him a lot.
54:26 Speaker 01 Oh, good.
54:28 Dax Shepard? Was there any grandma or was he just coming to stay at your house? There was no grandma, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
54:35 Dax Shepard? Four days he's
54:36 Speaker 01 He was sleeping there every day.
54:39 Speaker 05 Yes, scandalous little punks.
54:41 Dax Shepard? I know, I couldn't get comfortable. I'd be so nervous the whole time.
54:45 Speaker 05 I was thinking the same thing. I was talking to my daughter before I got in here and she said, I don't know what we were thinking.
54:51 Dax Shepard? I'll tell you what they were thinking.
54:52 Speaker 01 They just wanted to be together.
54:53 Dax Shepard? They were like, a wall of fire will not stand in between our love.
54:56 Speaker 05 She said, at the time, I just had to see him. I loved him so much, even though they had only known each other for like a week.
55:04 Speaker 01 She was right.
55:05 Dax Shepard? Yeah, she was kinda right.
55:07 Speaker 05 It's been a huh huh, you know, little roller coaster for us, not for them.
55:12 Dax Shepard? Yeah, they're just fine. What did Michael land on as a consequence?
55:15 Speaker 05 Oh, so that was the best bedroom in the house. It had its own bathroom and it was the biggest.
55:21 Dax Shepard? And accessible.
55:22 Speaker 05 Exactly. And we moved her upstairs into the tiniest bedroom possible.
55:27 Dax Shepard? Into this storybook. What do they put the princess up in the uh?
55:31 Speaker 05 Yes, in the tower.
55:32 Dax Shepard? In the tower. Yeah, you put her in the tower.
55:35 Speaker 05 And then she had to share a bathroom with her sister, which she ended up actually going downstairs because that didn't work out.
55:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, the sister's like, what the fuck? I didn't do anything.
55:45 Speaker 05 Except not tell my parents.
55:46 Speaker 01 That's a good sister, though. We want that out of a sister.
55:49 Speaker 05 I do respect it. But he told me he cried all the way home, called his mom, said she thought he was with his actual grandma in whatever, someplace Idaho. No one knew he had just kept driving.
56:01 Speaker 01 Oh, young love.
56:03 Dax Shepard? I have questions, but they're best not asked, I think.
56:07 Speaker 01 Well, like, were they doing it?
56:08 Dax Shepard? Were they making love down there? And is the fact that he's LDS, like, he's like wrestling. That drive home for him is probably like, oh my God, the parents know, oh, I gotta tell my mom, oh my God, I probably sin.
56:20 Speaker 01 Yes.
56:20 Dax Shepard? It's probably a heavy ride home.
56:22 Speaker 05 Yeah, I think he told her more than my kid told me. I'm very close to my daughter, but I'm sure she was sparing me.
56:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah. And Michael.
56:31 Speaker 05 They both say no. There was some key and an a she and as my mother would say.
56:35 Dax Shepard? Heavy petting, snuggling, okay.
56:38 Speaker 05 That's so gross.
56:42 Dax Shepard? I know it is really gross.
56:43 Speaker 01 Wow. Well, you guys made it through that.
56:46 Dax Shepard? Annie, I really like your personality a lot. I give it a 10 out of 10. In fact, I can't even believe you were angry.
56:52 Speaker 05 It's a rough one for me to get there. You gotta make me angry.
56:56 Dax Shepard? Yeah. Sounds like you have too good of a sense of humor about life to ever get really that angry.
57:00 Speaker 05 I knew that they would sneak around. So we said, listen, we're going to support this relationship, but you guys have to tell us everything. And the problem with that is I really tamped down how angry I actually was. I think it really came to a head about a year ago when I was finally like, I'm all done with this kid. I'm all done. And finally, I went to therapy and now I'm good.
57:23 Dax Shepard? It was an opportunity for you to grow.
57:25 Speaker 05 We've all grown and now we're all in.
57:27 Speaker 01 Yay.
57:28 Dax Shepard? Until Michael finds him driving one of his Mustangs, then it's a whole new.
57:33 Speaker 01 New prompt.
57:34 Dax Shepard? Well, lovely meeting you. This has been very fun.
57:37 Speaker 05 Nice to meet you guys. Thank you so much for letting me share it.
57:40 Dax Shepard? Oh, so fun. Okay, bye.
57:42 Speaker 05 Bye.
57:44 Dax Shepard? Okay, do you want to hear my story?
57:45 Speaker 01 Yes, what's your story?
57:46 Dax Shepard? It's a very short story. You and I returned home from Austin two days ago and I weighed myself yesterday morning and I was 202.4 pounds, which means I gained like eight pounds on that trip. And this morning, 24 hours later, I was 195. I lost seven and a half pounds yesterday through many, many, many harnesses. Okay, that was my story. Worth it?
58:14 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
58:16 Speaker 02 Her surname says Katie.
58:17 Dax Shepard? Okay, we'll see. Caitlyn or Katie or Katelyn. Can I call you Katelyn?
58:21 Speaker 01 I feel like she punched him in the stomach.
58:23 Dax Shepard? Good for her.
58:25 Speaker 05 Hello.
58:25 Speaker 01 Hi.
58:26 Dax Shepard? Hi. So let's bring you into the argument we were having when you were signing on. And do you go by Caitlyn or Katie?
58:32 Speaker 05 I go by Katie.
58:32 Dax Shepard? Okay, Katie, what is your thoughts on? Females being physically violent towards young males that they find in their closet. I kinda like this.
58:41 Speaker 01 Really deep question.
58:42 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
58:42 Speaker 04 I guess it depends on the situation.
58:44 Dax Shepard? You're a woman and you find a man in your closet. The woman punches the man in the stomach.
58:48 Speaker 01 That is not the scenario at all.
58:51 Dax Shepard? Okay.
58:51 Speaker 01 You're a woman with teenage kids.
58:54 Dax Shepard? Daughters.
58:54 Speaker 01 And you open the closet and there's a boy there that was obviously hanging out with your daughter.
59:00 Dax Shepard? All night in her bed.
59:01 Speaker 04 I can understand.
59:03 Speaker 01 You can understand a punch.
59:04 Speaker 04 Yeah.
59:04 Dax Shepard? Little sock in the tummy.
59:06 Speaker 04 Yeah.
59:07 Speaker 01 People react.
59:09 Speaker 04 Yeah, it's like a jump scare almost.
59:11 Dax Shepard? Okay, great. So where are you calling from, Katie?
59:13 Speaker 04 I am calling from Duncan, Oklahoma, very small town. Ron Howard's from here.
59:18 Speaker 01 Oh.
59:18 Dax Shepard? Oh.
59:18 Speaker 04 Yeah. And then the guy who played the elf king, I can't remember his name in The Hobbit. He's from Chickasha.
59:26 Dax Shepard? Lee Pace?
59:27 Speaker 04 Yes, there it is.
59:28 Dax Shepard? Yeah, I gotta say, and this is no dig on Oklahoma. I almost never meet anyone from Oklahoma. They love it so much, they don't leave.
59:36 Speaker 04 It's cheap and I like it a little bit. There's not as much traffic. I mean, I do actually live in the city, but I'm down here recording this because I'm here for my daughter.
59:45 Speaker 01 Sally. Because what?
59:46 Dax Shepard? Cause you're what? Did you just speak in tongues? Why are you?
59:48 Speaker 01 What happened?
59:49 Speaker 04 Sorry, I came down here for job shadowing.
59:51 Dax Shepard? Oh, job shadowing, that's not bad, yeah.
59:56 Dax Shepard? Okay, so this is a wild card story. It could involve anything. Where are you in this story and what year is this? Set us up.
1:00:04 Speaker 04 Okay, so I was in my hometown, which is like 15 minutes away from where I'm at right now in Marlow, another very small town. The year was 2016. I had just turned 16 a month prior to the story. A little context that you need to know is that I'm the oldest of seven.
1:00:20 Dax Shepard? Oh, my Lord.
1:00:21 Speaker 04 Split and blended, you know how it is. So as soon as I got my license, that task was set to me to take the kids to school, pick them up, do all the good stuff that an older sister would do. One day after school, I was a sophomore in high school and my brother was an eighth grader. I got to the middle school and he was like, hey, Kate, can you take my friend home? And I was like, yeah, of course. He's lived a couple of blocks from us, so I'm gonna code name him JP. I took him home and he didn't give me the address, but he just gave me like directions to the house. So I got to his house and it's set off on the road. They probably have like a fifty foot gravel driveway. And there's like a little white fence that runs along it like halves the driveway up. I pull into the driveway, but I'm not facing the house, how the driveway goes.
1:01:05 Speaker 04 I pull into it and I'm parallel with the road. So I'm on the wrong side of the road, but I'm in their driveway. So JP gets out and his father and grandfather come up to me. And they're like, hey, you old enough to drive? And I was like, yeah, I literally just turned sixteen. They're like, are you sure? And I was like, yeah. And I like went to get my license out and they were like, no, we're just heckling you. Thanks for bringing our boy home. And I was like, yeah, of course. JP is the oldest of five, so he had several younger siblings outside at the time on top of the parents. He gets out and I go to leave and I turn around, you know, check my blind spots from behind me, check in front of me. I go off and I just accelerate and I just hit this huge bump.
1:01:46 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
1:01:47 Dax Shepard? Oh, no, oh, no.
1:01:49 Speaker 04 I looked at my brothers and they were in the car with me. I was like, fuck. And they were like, I don't know. And they just got back on their phones. I look back over and everybody is running to the roof. So I get out. I walk to the back of the car and this blush of energy. It's like the craziest drug I have ever felt that I've been on. There was a kid laying in the road.
1:02:15 Dax Shepard? Oh.
1:02:15 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
1:02:16 Speaker 04 An entire child. He's not dead. I didn't kill him, but I just ran over him.
1:02:22 Speaker 01 Okay, yeah.
1:02:22 Dax Shepard? Okay, okay.
1:02:23 Speaker 01 Was it JP?
1:02:24 Dax Shepard? No, it was one of the siblings.
1:02:25 Speaker 04 It was not JP. It was his youngest sibling. He was about to be two.
1:02:30 Speaker 01 Oh.
1:02:31 Speaker 04 Yes, girl. Yes, this was a baby crawling under.
1:02:36 Speaker 01 Fuck.
1:02:37 Speaker 04 This baby crawled literally right past the feet of the two adults. There was a toy in the driveway, so whenever I pulled off, my back driver's side tire ran over his torso.
1:02:48 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
1:02:52 Speaker 04 I forgot to specify, I drove a 2002 Tahoe. I drove a big bitch.
1:02:58 Dax Shepard? Oh, yeah, that's a 5,800 pound vehicle right there.
1:03:03 Speaker 01 This is my nightmare. Will you knock on wood?
1:03:04 Dax Shepard? Oh, now I gotta knock on, hold on Katie.
1:03:06 Speaker 01 Okay, we had to knock on wood for a second. Okay, we're back.
1:03:09 Speaker 04 I was actually the one to call the police. The grandfather was like, call them, call them. I was describing what was going on and she was like, okay, what's the address? And I was like, I don't know. I never got the address. So the grandpa takes the phone from me and he's talking to them and the police get there and they take out their little notepad and come talk to me. Of course, the first thing I asked, I was like, am I going to jail? And he was like, pins. I was like, literally on what? I assume if they had not told the same story, maybe the baby was already in front of me and I was on my phone or something.
1:03:39 Dax Shepard? Or they find out you're drunk, you're on drugs.
1:03:44 Speaker 04 Yeah, I never even thought of that.
1:03:45 Speaker 01 Oh yeah, but because you weren't, so you didn't think of it.
1:03:47 Dax Shepard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really quick, when you were looking at this baby, when you first saw the baby, was the baby moving?
1:03:53 Speaker 04 The baby was writhing around crying and thank God he was crying.
1:03:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:58 Dax Shepard? Yeah.
1:03:59 Speaker 04 And the mother had run out of the house and she was screaming and crying understandably. And she like pulled me down there with her and we were just all cradling together, like she was rocking us. Nobody was mad at me or anything. They all said it was a horrible accident. I mean, nobody saw him, so I gave him a collapsed lung, a tear in his liver and like a torn ligament in his neck.
1:04:22 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
1:04:24 Speaker 04 It was crazy.
1:04:26 Speaker 01 Also, is your brother just like, what the fuck?
1:04:29 Speaker 04 I don't think they said a word. I actually, I've never considered what they went through that day. Until now.
1:04:35 Speaker 01 Yeah, ugh.
1:04:37 Speaker 04 I drive for Amazon. I drive one of those big cargo vans. So anytime I'm on the road in a neighborhood and I see a kid just inching their way towards like the road, I'm like, stop.
1:04:47 Speaker 01 Wow, I'm impressed you entered the field of driving after that trauma.
1:04:52 Dax Shepard? Maybe she's trying to heal.
1:04:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, like get back on that horse.
1:04:55 Dax Shepard? Uh huh. Eight hours a day. Now, they took the toddler to the hospital presumably, and how long was he or she in there?
1:05:02 Speaker 04 He was in there for, I think. Like a week and a half.
1:05:05 Speaker 01 Oh, that's so long.
1:05:07 Speaker 04 I believe he spit his birthday in there.
1:05:09 Dax Shepard? Oh, wow. He's 10 now.
1:05:12 Speaker 04 He is 10 years old and I see pictures of him. He looks like a normal kid. It was truly wild.
1:05:19 Dax Shepard? Now, this may seem like a stretch of a silver lining, but I am gonna say it. No one should run over kids, but when you're a new parent and you're like so concerned they're gonna fall off the couch. They are fucking durable.
1:05:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:05:32 Dax Shepard? You would assume a 6,000 pound vehicle driving over a 25 pound baby.
1:05:38 Speaker 01 Definitely. There's no question there.
1:05:40 Dax Shepard? But they're saved by the rubberiness.
1:05:42 Speaker 04 Just the fact that it was just a few centimeters from the super uber important parts. God, yeah, it was crazy.
1:05:52 Dax Shepard? How long? Yeah, how long before you calmed down? Was it like days later? I mean, I gotta imagine I would just keep thinking of getting out of the car and seeing that.
1:06:02 Speaker 04 I didn't drive for a minute and anytime I hit like a bump, I literally, not to be dramatic, but I look in my rearview mirror. Just make sure.
1:06:08 Dax Shepard? Yeah, when you do something like that without any notion that there was something wrong, you have to permanently consider that that's on the table.
1:06:16 Speaker 01 There's something that feels really unfair about it. It's like you're just in your car, you're just dropping this nice kid off.
1:06:22 Dax Shepard? You don't even wanna be there.
1:06:24 Speaker 01 And then it's not on you. What are you gonna do? Get out of your car every four minutes to make sure something's not under your tire? You couldn't have done anything.
1:06:31 Dax Shepard? We're blaming all the wrong people. It's the two year old's fault.
1:06:34 Speaker 01 Well, of course.
1:06:36 Speaker 04 I knew something like that was coming. After he got out of the hospital, him and his family brought up to the high school a flower, like a little flower vase for me. I was like, oh my gosh, it's actually really sweet. Yeah.
1:06:50 Dax Shepard? Did word get out in high school that you had run over a child?
1:06:52 Speaker 04 Yes, I had 87 people in my graduating class.
1:06:57 Speaker 04 Honestly, you'd think that it was spread the worst in high school, but my family gives me shit. Anytime they can make a joke, they give me shit to this day.
1:07:06 Dax Shepard? It's their job.
1:07:07 Speaker 01 You're tough. I'm impressed by you.
1:07:09 Speaker 04 Like I said, oldest is seven.
1:07:12 Dax Shepard? I'm sorry that happened to you.
1:07:13 Speaker 01 Me too.
1:07:14 Speaker 04 No other prompt matched it. And when I saw that a wild card got prompted, I was just like, hop on that.
1:07:19 Dax Shepard? Yeah, we would never be audacious enough to put out a prompt. Tell us about a time you ran over a kid.
1:07:23 Speaker 01 You almost killed a child.
1:07:25 Dax Shepard? As dark as we are.
1:07:26 Speaker 01 Yikes. Oh, boy. Well, thank you for sharing that.
1:07:29 Dax Shepard? Yeah, we very much appreciate it. And I hope we're keeping you company on the road while you're driving around nonstop.
1:07:36 Speaker 04 Yes, I'm going through all of it.
1:07:38 Dax Shepard? Thank you. All right. Well, be well. Great meeting you. And I'm sorry that happened to you.
1:07:42 Speaker 04 You too, guys. Thank you for listening.
1:07:44 Dax Shepard? Okay, bye. Oh, man.
1:07:47 Speaker 01 Oh, that's a nightmare.
1:07:48 Dax Shepard? God.
1:07:49 Speaker 01 That is a nightmare. Wow.
1:07:51 Dax Shepard? Do you want to hear an uplifting story to brighten your eyes?
1:07:54 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:07:55 Dax Shepard? Okay, so we got home from Austin on Sunday night, and I got on the scales Monday morning.
1:08:01 Speaker 01 Again?
1:08:02 Dax Shepard? And I was 202.4 pounds.
1:08:04 Speaker 01 Hi.
1:08:06 Dax Shepard? I love you.
1:08:07 Speaker 01 Love you.
1:08:11 Dax Shepard? Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, rhyme dish. On the fly, rhyme dish. Enjoy.
Next Jude Law Page updated November 7, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated