#539: Alisa Cohn on Prenups for Startup Founders, How to Reinvent Your Career, the Importance of "Pre-Mortems," and the Three Selves

Alisa Cohn on Prenups for Startup Founders, How to Reinvent Your Career, the Importance of "Pre-Mortems," and the Three Selves | Brought to you by Kettle & Fire http://kettleandfire.com/tim high quality, tasty, and conveniently packaged bone broths; Wealthfront http://wealthfront.com/tim automated investing; and Allform http://allform.com/tim premium, modular furniture. More on all three below. Alisa Cohn (@AlisaCohn https://twitter.com/AlisaCohn) is one of the most prominent startup coaches in the world. She has advised founders and executives at Venmo, Etsy, DraftKings, Wirecutter, Mack Weldon, InVision, Tory Burch, and others. She has also coached CEOs and C-suite executives at enterprises such as Dell, Hitachi, Sony, Google, Microsoft, Bloomberg, The New York Times Company, and Calvin Klein. She is the author of From Start-Up to Grown-Up https://www.amazon.com/Start-Up-Grown-Up-Grow-Leadership-Business/dp/1398601381/?tag=offsitoftimfe-20, a guidebook for entrepreneurs on the leadership journey from founder to CEO, and host of the From Start-Up to Grown-Up Podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5idXp6c3Byb3V0LmNvbS8xNzgzNjEzLnJzcw?sa=X&ved=0CAMQ4aUDahcKEwjYuqjygcbzAhUAAAAAHQAAAAAQAQ&hl=en. Her articles have appeared in Harvard Business Review, Forbes, and Inc. magazines, and she has been featured as an expert on Bloomberg TV, the BBC World News, and in The New York Times. A recovering CPA and one-time startup CFO and strategy consultant, she is now an angel investor and advisory board member. Outside of work, she is a (very) amateur rap artist and an investor in Broadway shows, two of which have won Tony Awards. Please enjoy! This episode is brought to you by Kettle & Fire http://kettleandfire.com/tim! Kettle & Fire makes one of the highest quality, tastiest, and most conveniently packaged bone broths http://kettleandfire.com/tim on the market, and I have a huge collection of their broths on my kitchen counter for easy access. I’ve been a fan ever since 2015, when podcast guest and ketogenesis expert Dr. Dominic D’Agostino introduced me to the company. Their products fit me and my lifestyle extremely well: bone broth is a great ‘one-stop shop’ for low-carb, high-protein nutrition, and bone broth makes an excellent lower-calorie breakfast that requires no prep. It’s one of the simplest ways to get many of the nutrients I need, and I simply feel better when broth is a regular part of my diet. You can save 25% off your order http://kettleandfire.com/tim by going to KettleAndFire.com/Tim http://kettleandfire.com/tim and using code TIM at checkout. * This episode is also brought to you by Wealthfront http://wealthfront.com/Tim! Wealthfront http://wealthfront.com/Tim pioneered the automated investing movement, sometimes referred to as ‘robo-advising,’ and they currently oversee $20 billion of assets for their clients. It takes about three minutes to sign up, and then Wealthfront will build you a globally diversified portfolio of ETFs based on your risk appetite http://wealthfront.com/Tim and manage it for you at an incredibly low cost. Smart investing should not feel like a rollercoaster ride. Let the professionals do the work for you. Go to Wealthfront.com/Tim http://wealthfront.com/Tim and open a Wealthfront account today, and you’ll get your first $5,000 managed for free, for life http://wealthfront.com/Tim. Wealthfront http://wealthfront.com/Tim will automate your investments for the long term. Get started today at Wealthfront.com/Tim http://wealthfront.com/Tim. * This episode is also brought to you by Allform http://allform.com/tim! If you’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, you’ve probably heard me talk about Helix Sleep mattresses, which I’ve been using since 2017. They just launched a new company called Allform http://allform.com/tim, and they’re making premium, customizable sofas and chairs shipped right to your door—at a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. You can pick your fabric (and they’re all spill, stain, and scratch resistant), the sofa color, the color of the legs, and the sofa size and shape to make sure it’s perfect for you and your home. Allform http://allform.com/tim arrives in just 3–7 days, and you can assemble it yourself in a few minutes—no tools needed. To find your perfect sofa, check out Allform.com/Tim http://allform.com/TIM. Allform is offering 20% off all orders to you, my dear listeners, at Allform.com/Tim http://allform.com/TIM. * If you enjoy the podcast, would you please consider leaving a short review on Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-tim-ferriss-show/id863897795?mt=2? It takes less than 60 seconds, and it really makes a difference in helping to convince hard-to-get guests. I also love reading the reviews! For show notes and past guests, please visit tim.blog/podcast https://tim.blog/podcast/?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=podcast-description. Sign up for Tim’s email newsletter (“5-Bullet Friday”) at tim.blog/friday https://go.tim.blog/5-bullet-friday-1/. For transcripts of episodes, go to tim.blog/transcripts http://tim.blog/transcripts. Discover Tim’s books: tim.blog/books http://tim.blog/books. 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Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Tim Ferriss?

  This episode is brought to you by Kettle and Fire. Do love me, my kettle and fire. I believe I first heard about Kettle and Fire when it was originally recommended to me by one of your favorites, fan favorite podcast guest and ketogenesis expert, among many other things, Dr. Dominic De Agostino. So what is Kettle and Fire? Kettle and Fire offers premium bone broth made with bones from 100% grass-fed and grass-finished cows and organic free-range chickens. They can buy bones with organic herbs and vegetables and filtered water and steel kettles. Then the mixture is slow simmered for 14-plus hours at 130 degrees Fahrenheit to ensure that as many nutrients, collagen, and amino acids as possible are able to soak into the broth.

• 0:41Tim Ferriss?

  And all that goodness is fantastic for supporting your gut health, immune system, weight loss, your fasting regimen, whatever it might be. And they make it extremely convenient. Just heat and eat. Five minutes on the stove top or one minute in the microwave. It's great as a snack. You can also sip it straight out of a mug, or honestly, sometimes I just sip it right out of the box. You can also add it as a flavor to recipes. And they sent me some eye-popping stats. It's pretty amazing. 24 million-plus cartons sold, 25,000-plus five-star reviews on Amazon and their own website, two-year shelf life, and zero preservatives, added flavors, antibiotics, hormones, or colorings. And all of their broths are paleo, keto-friendly, and Whole30-approved.

• 1:24Tim Ferriss?

  They're also my neighbors here in Austin, Texas, and I'm happy to support a local company. So check them out. You can save 25% off of your order by going to kettleandfire.com/tim. That's spelled out K-E-T-T-L-E-A-N-D-F-I-R-E.com/tim and using code TIM at checkout. One more time, that's kettleandfire.com/tim and code TIM at checkout.

• 1:52Tim Ferriss?

  This episode is brought to you by Allform. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you've probably heard me talk about Helix Sleep and their mattresses, which I've been using since 2017. I have two of them upstairs from where I'm sitting at this moment. And now Helix has gone beyond the bedroom and started making sofas. They just launched a new company called Allform, A-L-L-F-O-R-M, and they're making premium customizable sofas and chairs shipped right to your door at a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. So I'm sitting in my living room right now, and it's entirely Allform furniture. I've got two chairs, I've got an ottoman, and I have an L-sectional couch, and I'll come back to that. You can pick your fabric. They're all spill, stain, and scratch resistant. The sofa color, the color of the legs, the sofa size,

• 2:36Tim Ferriss?

  the shape to make sure it's perfect for you in your home. Also, Allform arrives in just three to seven days, and you can assemble it all yourself in a few minutes. No tools needed. I was quite astonished by how modular and easy these things fit together, kind of like Lego pieces. They've got armchairs, love seats, all the way up to an eight-seat sectional, so there's something for everyone. You can also start small and kind of build on top of it if you wanted to get a smaller couch and then build out on it, which is actually, in a way, what I did, because I can turn my L-sectional couch into a normal straight couch and then with a separate ottoman in a matter of about 60 seconds. It's pretty rad. So I mentioned I have all of these different things in this room. I use the natural leg finish, which is their lightest color, and I dig it. I mean, I've been using these things hours and hours and hours every single day.

• 3:22Tim Ferriss?

  So I am using what I am sharing with you guys. And if getting a sofa without trying it in-store sounds risky, you don't need to worry. Allform sofas are delivered directly to your home with fast, free shipping, and you get 100 days to decide if you want to keep it. That's more than three months, and if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund. Your sofa frame also has a forever warranty. That's literally forever. So check it out. Take a look. They've got all sorts of cool stuff to choose from. I was skeptical, and it actually worked. It worked much better than I could have imagined, and I'm very, very happy. So to find your perfect sofa, check out allform.com/tim. That's A-L-L-F-O-R-M dot com slash tim. Allform is offering 20% off all orders to you, my dear listeners, at allform.com/tim.

• 4:06Tim Ferriss?

  Make sure to use the code TIM at checkout. That's allform.com/tim and use code TIM at checkout.

• 4:15Tim Ferriss?

  At this altitude, I can run flat out for a half mile before my hands start shaking.

• 4:19Speaker 01

  Can I answer your personal question?

• 4:21Speaker 02

  Now would be a significant appropriate time.

• 4:23Speaker 01

  What if I did the opposite? I'm a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton.

• 4:37Tim Ferriss?

  And Ak Tung, everyone. Just a quick note, stay around until the end of the episode. In fact, listen past the end of the interview to hear Alyssa's word for word scripts she's put together just for you and this episode. That was a follow up after our entire conversation. They're not in her book, not on the website. First, she offers you a set of scripts that lead up to firing someone. Next, a script to help you get feedback in your job so you can increase the likelihood of getting promoted. Then a few scripts to foster great one-on-one conversations of different types, including career coaching with your employees and many more. So keep listening after we end the interview.

• 5:18Tim Ferriss?

  Hello, boys and girls, ladies and germs. This is Tim Ferriss and welcome to another episode of The Tim Ferriss Show. My guest today, we're going to skip the preamble, is Alyssa Cohen, C O H N. You can find her on Twitter at Alyssa Cohen. She's been coaching entrepreneurs for nearly 20 years, including many people I know, including yours truly. We've done quite a bit of work together. She has advised founders and executives at Venmo, Etsy, DraftKings, Wirecutter, Mac Weldon, Invision and Tory Burch, among others. She has also coached CEOs and C-suite executives at enterprises such as Dell, Hitachi, Sony, Google, Microsoft, Bloomberg, The New York Times Company, Calvin Klein, and on and on and on. She's the author of the brand new book From Startup to Grown Up: A Guidebook for Entrepreneurs on the Leadership Journey from Founder to CEO.

• 6:03Tim Ferriss?

  Her articles have appeared in Harvard Business Review, Forbes and Inc. magazines, and she's been featured as an expert on Bloomberg TV, the BBC World News, and in The New York Times. A recovering CPA, we're going to talk about that, and one-time startup CFO and strategy consultant. She is now, in addition to being a coach, an angel investor and advisory board member. Outside of work, she is a very amateur rap artist. I was privileged enough to think- View one of the first recordings of said rap and an investor in Broadway shows, two of which have won Tony Awards. You can find her everywhere online on all of the social media platforms, just about at Alyssa Cohen. That's Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn,

• 6:43Tim Ferriss?

  Facebook, and of course, at her website, Alyssa Cohen, A-L-I-S-A-C-O-H-N.com. Alyssa, nice to see you again and nice to hear you again.

• 6:55Speaker 03

  Great to see you, Tim, and thanks so much for having me today. It's really great to see you.

• 6:59Tim Ferriss?

  I am excited to dig in. We are going to, as per usual, run out of time before we run out of material, but I thought we would start somewhere. We have not spent much time previously, because it's usually me asking you questions and for help on various issues, weaknesses of mind, challenges, whatever it might be. I thought we would begin with the background, some of your story, because honestly, I'm embarrassed to say that I don't know more of it. So could you just paint a picture for us of where you grew up and then the sort of professional journey that led you to coaching? Because I know that's not where you started.

• 7:37Speaker 03

  I grew up in a small town, Holliston, Massachusetts, which is right next to Hopkinton, which is where the Boston Marathon starts. So that's kind of by definition, 26.2 miles southwest of Boston. And I barely left Holliston until I went to my undergrad college, Boston University, and I was journalism major. And I worked in the nonprofit world for a little while. So I was Chief of Staff to the Provost at Northeast University, and we were doing strategic planning. And the Provost at some point said, you can't manage faculty because they have tenure. And even then, I was super young, and I thought, what do you mean? Like, how can it be that people will only do what you want them to do in like service of the organization? Because otherwise, you'll fire them. So I thought a lot about that,

• 8:21Speaker 03

  and I wanted to go explore that. So I did a little stint in strategy consulting at Monitor, and then I went off to business school. And I went to Cornell. And at Cornell, I got all turned around, and I was no longer focused on people and organizations. I was focused on finance and accounting of all things, and also strategy. So I exited business school into PWC. Into the so-called Advanced Development Program is five years to partner. So fast track to partner. And I thought, hey, this is great. And as I got into my life, I will say that I told one of my professors, I said, I'm going to P W C. And he said, well, that will be very refreshing for the profession. And I didn't quite know what he meant, but as I went through, I just realized this is not necessarily my tribe.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  And also P W C was so big that I just felt like, oh, I can't really make a difference here. It was a fantastic firm and a fantastic actually experience. But after two and a half years, I had sort of, I'm happy to tell you about it. I had like a dramatic moment that I realized this is not for me. And so I went off to try to figure out what's for me. What do I want to do? And I met a coach at that point. And that's when I realized, oh, that's what I want to do.

• 9:32Tim Ferriss?

  Well, let's, let's talk about two things real quick to interject. So the first with the provost and the comment that you can't manage faculty because they have tenure or if they have tenure, that was meant to convey that if we don't have the looming shadow of possible punishment by firing, you can't get people to do what you want them to do. Was that the, the sort of gist of it?

• 9:58Speaker 03

  That's what he meant. Yeah.

• 10:00Tim Ferriss?

  And then the dramatic moment, rather than gloss over that, let's go right into it. Because a lot of people stick around in sort of this walking dead sentiment in some profession or job they don't like for a very, very long time. So what happened, I guess at that time it would have been at P W C.

• 10:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:19Tim Ferriss?

  What was the catalyst?

• 10:22Speaker 03

  I was at P W C and again, it is a great firm. And also for me, I just felt like this is not feeding my soul.

• 10:30Tim Ferriss?

  And this is a big four, big five accounting firm for people who don't know.

• 10:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I woke up one morning and I just thought to myself spontaneously, I hope I get the flu. So I don't have to go into work tomorrow. And you know, life goes on and life goes on. And to be honest with you, 18 hours later, I was being rushed to the emergency room by my boyfriend at the time with the flu. And I showed up at the emergency room and I was in Boston and you know, they took one look at me and they wheeled me into this room and they pumped me up with saline. I mean, I had a really bad flu. And I just thought at that time, that night, as I spent the night there and for the days that followed, I just thought, I can't do this anymore. It's not me. I can't do it.

• 11:14Speaker 03

  I thought like, I'd rather be a waitress. I can't handle this experience of not feeling sort of nourished and satisfied. I guess for me, that moment of realizing I'd actually rather have the flu, like I'd rather get sick. So I don't have to go into work was almost like scary. It was like, oh, my body's trying to tell me something. And I was wondering, how often have I not listened to my body? As I've sort of head down, forced march, like you can do it. Cause I was very goal oriented. And this is one of the first times in my life, I just went off my plan and thought, well, what am I going to do now? So I was down for the count for like two weeks. And every time I thought about going back to work, my fever went back up. And you know, I thought, oh, but what am I going to do now? Like washed up at 27, what am I going to do now?

• 12:00Speaker 03

  But in my head, I kept thinking, these words kept coming through my mind, to make a difference, to make a difference, that the work of my hands matters in the world. And that's what I set out to try to figure out, how can I do something that was going to help me make a difference?

• 12:17Tim Ferriss?

  And what happened? Or what did you do? Because I would imagine a lot of people have that desire, but then they're grumbling around in the dark, or they never quite arrive at an answer. So how did you arrive at an answer?

• 12:33Speaker 03

  First of all, I went through a number of dead ends. I interviewed with Goldman. I interviewed, I was looking for, what is the thing that is going to make me happy? I looked into financial planning. I can help people buy a house or go to college. So I went down a number of dead ends. And then I went to this conference and I was a volunteer at this conference. It was not really like me. It's called the Body and Soul Conference. And

• 12:56Tim Ferriss?

  Okay, hold on, hold on, pause, pause real quick. So, so this is just my nature with these conversations, because I think the internal process is really important here, or lack thereof. So. PWC, huge firm.

• 13:09Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 13:10Tim Ferriss?

  You know, like, I would rather be a waitress. Why then interview or consider Goldman Sachs? What led you to consider Goldman?

• 13:20Speaker 03

  I went to an Ivy League school. I invested all this time and energy into the MBA. All my peers were like on Wall Street or doing some sort of corporate finance job inside of a company. There wasn't a lot of context for getting off track. And so I didn't know at the time, I didn't have a lot of ideas, like, what are you gonna do? I really didn't know what I was gonna do. When you have a kind of a pedigree, you have a lot of pressure, I guess I would say, to focus your efforts, that only a set of things are good enough, only a set of things are the right things. And it's not so easy to go off path.

• 14:04Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, I think also, I mean, if your experience mirrors mine at all early on, there's also very limited, or at least I had, and I think a lot of my classmates had, very limited awareness of options outside of a few things. I mean, very few things.

• 14:21Speaker 03

  Right.

• 14:21Tim Ferriss?

  Like investment banking, management consulting, Big Five accounting. That's expanded a little bit, but at the time, really law, perhaps, if you continue with a professional degree. But the, the types of companies that were recruiting and the types of stories you heard tended to be, at least in my case, from really a tiny, tiny, tiny slice of the total spectrum of possibilities.

• 14:47Speaker 03

  Definitely, a tiny slice. And again, there was like a sense of you could only do things which were sort of in some way worthy of all that time and energy you spent in your education. And again, building kind of this pedigree. And so there's a lot of, to your point, you didn't always know what was out there. But also, if you strayed from this tight, narrow list of things you could possibly do, it felt like somehow you were not being successful, you were giving up. You were not fulfilling the promise that you had thought about in business school. That's how it felt.

• 15:18Tim Ferriss?

  Why did Goldman not happen?

• 15:21Speaker 03

  There was three things that happened at once. I interviewed with a number of folks. I, again, I interviewed a financial planning firms and I got this interview at Goldman and I did that interview. And in the meantime, I had gone to this conference, this Body and Soul Conference as a volunteer. And they said Cheryl Richardson is now going to, we did this orientation and then, okay, Cheryl Richardson's now going to speak to the volunteers. And I'm like, okay, who is that?

• 15:50Tim Ferriss?

  And Body and Soul Conference, just to reiterate, not what I would envision the immediate native habitat to be for you. All due respect. Right. This is more of a cultural comment than a judgment of any type. So you ended up there because your boyfriend at the time was like, you're striking out, so you might as well come here, or twisted your arm behind your back, or thought it'd be helpful.

• 16:17Speaker 03

  He was a yogi type, my boyfriend at the time. And so he did me the favor of kind of dragging me, like, we should go to this, you know, yoga-y conference. And I'm thinking, oh, this is not my thing. But I was, you know, Tim, you get the flu. I realized for me, something's got to change. So at that moment, I was more open to something like, yeah, I'm a little, I think I'm more touchy feely, or whatever you want to call it now, maybe spiritual now. At the time, it was definitely not my thing. And I would say it was kind of off plan and off path. But what the heck? He said, we just go to this conference. Okay, let's volunteer so we can go for free. Okay, that sounds like a great idea. You know, I was sort of in a seeking mode. That's when I met Cheryl

• 17:00Speaker 03

  Richardson, who spoke to the volunteers and she just spoke and she was so dynamic. And I just thought, what's that? I want to do that. I could do that. I saw myself in her. So. I was sort of following her around the whole conference and I thought I want to become a coach. In the meantime, this Goldman thing was still happening. In the meantime, I was being recruited by a startup. And so in the end, I got the offer from Goldman to do private client services or private wealth management or whatever it was called. And I ended up taking the job with a startup. And I was, I don't know, the fourth employee into the startup. And after a week or two, I just thought, oh, this was such a bad idea.

• 17:42Speaker 03

  It was sort of chaotic. I didn't know what I was doing. They didn't know what they were doing. I just thought, oh, this is, this was like a bad decision.

• 17:49Tim Ferriss?

  It's quite a transition from PWC to

• 17:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. And by the way, I just

• 17:54Tim Ferriss?

  A handful of employees.

• 17:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. I just want to say that was also before the startup world was so mythologized. It was before the startup world was, oh, the sexy startups. It was a startup. Why would you go do that? Even I didn't know why we would do that. But I just thought, I can't become a coach yet. I'm not experienced enough. I gotta take coach training. And I thought, oh, startup, I can make a difference there. A small company, I can make a difference. So week or two went by, and I just thought, oh, what a mistake. Such a mistake. So I screwed up. This did not happen easily. I screwed up my courage. And I got back in touch with the guy who I talked to at Goldman. And I said, I just said straight up on the phone, I've made a mistake. I should have taken your job offer. This was a bad idea. I would

• 18:38Speaker 03

  like to now reconsider. And he said, no, he said, no, that was the opportunity you had. You made your choice. And we had actually a very cordial, quite lovely conversation. And he gave me two gifts in that call. He said, you know, Alyssa, you have a superpower. Your superpower is that you are very credible. You show up instantly credible. I didn't know that because I was feeling pretty insecure, I'll tell you. And like, I didn't know what I was doing. And the second thing he said was, the reason I thought you'd be great for this job is not because of your background, not because of your MBA, but it was because you've done stand up comedy. And I know that you have had to deal with rejection. And

• 19:22Speaker 03

  so I thought that that would be a good attribute for this job.

• 19:26Tim Ferriss?

  Let me ask about those two real quick.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:28Tim Ferriss?

  So stand up comedy.

• 19:31Tim Ferriss?

  Fit because in a sense you'd be responsible for building your own book of clients?

• 19:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:39Tim Ferriss?

  Right. Got it. And then credible. Why do you think he said that? What does that mean that you immediately came off as credible?

• 19:47Speaker 03

  I think I have a way of building rapport with people quickly and kind of showcasing, I guess I would say confidence. I still, as I say to my clients all the time, I don't know what it's like to be with me. I only know what it's like to be me. However, I do know that throughout my life, I have been able to exhibit a certain kind of energy that makes people follow me. I mean, I remember actually in fourth or fifth grade, we were in homeroom and we were doing a play. So we were just kind of, it's like a free for all and the teacher wasn't really involved. So we, the kids, were all putting together this play and suddenly everybody came over to me one at a time and said, can

• 20:32Speaker 03

  I play this part? Can I play this part? Can I play this part? And I, I was really, literally, consciously thinking, why are you guys asking me? I don't quite know what it is, but there are times that people will come to me, I guess because of my energy or maybe the way I speak, I'm really not sure. But he pointed that out to me and that was helpful.

• 20:52Tim Ferriss?

  I love that the teacher was absent from the play planning. It's like Lord of the Flies and then Alyssa decides who's piggy and who gets crucified as piggy. Mutiny.

• 21:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. Luckily I was there, Tim. Luckily I was there.

• 21:05Tim Ferriss?

  Luckily you were there to hold the ship together.

• 21:07Speaker 03

  To maintain order.

• 21:08Tim Ferriss?

  Well, I think as I reflect on our conversations and the time we spent together, that you have a very no bullshit demeanor. And I think that probably translates to people feeling confidence in what you say, because if you don't like something or you disagree with something, you're very open about that. So I think that gives people, at least some people, a degree of relaxation and comfort, which might sound strange, but because they don't second guess what you're saying, if that makes any type of sense.

• 21:45Speaker 03

  Thank you for saying that, Tim. And I feel like you said it very diplomatically, which I appreciate.

• 21:51Tim Ferriss?

  You're welcome. I'm working on that diplomacy.

• 21:55Speaker 03

  That's good. But I do think it's no bullshit. And people say you're very direct. And I don't even think I'm being direct. I sometimes think I'm trying to be less direct, but I guess I come across as direct. That does seem to be a thing.

• 22:12Tim Ferriss?

  Cheryl Richardson, let's return to this because for me,

• 22:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:17Tim Ferriss?

  if I think about temperament, direct, quantitative with comfort with the numbers through business school and training for PWC, et cetera. What was it that appealed to you about coaching? Why did it seem right at first blush in encountering Cheryl Richardson to appeal to you? Because that wouldn't be something, had I looked at your trajectory up to that point, it's not something I would have, at least from what you've told me, I wouldn't immediately have guessed that.

• 22:51Speaker 03

  I have to be honest, and I've thought about this quite a bit. I always think, what did she say? And I don't know what she said. I have no idea. But she stood in front of the room, and she gave off this incredible energy. And you felt like you felt empowered after that energy, after that talk. And then I followed her around for the rest of the conference. And at some point, she was in a room of like 500 people. And she said, Okay, who wants to stand up right now and get coached? And I thought, Oh, what's going to happen? So someone stood up, and she coached this person there in front of everybody for 20 minutes. And I do remember vividly thinking, Oh, I could never do that. But I also thought,

• 23:31Speaker 03

  Oh, I could do that. I saw that in myself. And I remembered, I mean, I sort of realized that throughout my life, people have come to ask me for advice about networking, about careers, about problems they were having. So I sort of saw myself in that supportive problem solver, and definitely to be someone who really makes people feel like you can do it. I sort of recognized that I had that energy inside of me.

• 23:57Tim Ferriss?

  So let me, for people who are wondering, give people a concrete example of one way that you do this, because there are coaches who Disempower in the sense that they might even be effective, but they take the agency of like the locus of control, the agency from the athlete, the client, the fill in the blank and sort of become the person who helps fix the other person. And while you are very helpful, I know in our conversations and certainly I've seen you do this elsewhere, if somebody asks you for advice on a given situation, very often you'll respond with, well, what do you think? And they'll say, I don't know. And then you'll

• 24:42Tim Ferriss?

  respond with, well, what if you did know? What might you say? And it's incredible how far people can get on their own with just a little prodding and no side exit with that type of reframing, if that makes sense to people listening.

• 25:01Speaker 03

  I was just gonna say, thank you for bringing that up. And I really try to, to your point, give agency to other people. And the truth is, inside of you, inside of anybody, there's a whole chorus going on. There's a whole music in your head going on and how you're feeling. And the person across from me, you, whoever it is, knows more than they think they know. And I think people sort of say almost by habit, well, what do you think? Somehow you're the expert, you're the coach. But actually, you do have a lot more internal wisdom than you allow yourself to express. And I think part of my role is to encourage

• 25:44Speaker 03

  you to tap into that and not let you take side exits, especially at first. There's a sense of, hey, there's more there. Let's be quiet for a minute and reflect and see what's there if you let it arise.

• 25:57Tim Ferriss?

  Okay, so as we flash forward and flash back, we're doing this memento style architecture in this conversation.

• 26:06Tim Ferriss?

  So Mr. Goldman, I know, obviously not called Mr. Goldman, but Mr. Goldman says, "Actually, that was your window. So my answer is now a no, but here are two observations. Within the startup, you've realized, uh-oh, this was, I was supposed to take a right turn. I took a left turn. This is probably not the best fit right now. And shortly, I guess, beforehand, you had had this encounter with Cheryl Richardson. What did you do then?

• 26:36Speaker 03

  First of all, it was actually extremely helpful that he said that to me because I can get this way and I don't think I'm alone. It's like, should I have done that? Should I do that? This was a bad idea. Should I go back? Should I ask him? All this, these questions, which can be kind of draining. So I was actually very happy and proud of myself that I had gone back and asked. I was disappointed by his answer. I was actually quite crushed. Oh, no, what am I going to do? But the clarity was so helpful. I don't have to now wonder, should I have done that? Oh, I didn't know. Did I make a bad decision? Or also, should I have asked him if I could reconfigure this job offer? It was like, nope, that door is closed. All right, now I know. So I went back to the startup. And to be honest with you,

• 27:21Speaker 03

  it was fantastic. It was a great experience. It was interesting and fun and engaging. It was the first time I ever met investors. It was the first time I saw what does a CEO do? Also, I have a proactive nature and I was able to express my proactive nature. All these things needed to get done. And so I kind of figured a lot of things out by myself and with the company, with the rest of the employees. And so actually it was fantastic. It was so good. I joined a SaaS startup.

• 27:48Tim Ferriss?

  What did the first startup do?

• 27:49Speaker 03

  It was called Corporate Alumni. So it was a very early precursor of LinkedIn.

• 27:53Tim Ferriss?

  Amazing.

• 27:54Speaker 03

  Which, yeah, which means timing is everything.

• 27:59Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, timing, timing, timing is, it is important. Yeah, I don't think you're alone in the, the, the questioning yourself and decisions and so on. I was joking with somebody last night, they were talking about their onset insomnia. And I was like, oh, you mean when you're, you lay down to go to sleep and your mind is like, oh, thank God, we have some time. I've been waiting all day to talk to you. Here we go. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:23Tim Ferriss?

  Okay, so I don't know if there are other dots to connect beforehand, but at what point did you take your pilgrimage to San Diego?

• 28:33Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 28:35Tim Ferriss?

  Was that years later? Was that shortly thereafter? And also I should ask, while you're working at these startups, were you exploring in your off time, the world of coaching? Or did you really just chalk it up to a weird, interesting experience that grabbed your attention? And that was that end of story? Let me move on to my real career in startups.

• 28:58Speaker 03

  No, in my mind's eye, whether it was conscious or not, I was on the path to coaching. Definitely. And Cheryl, what should I do? I followed around the conference. What should I do? Should I take coach training? So I took coach training and I coached all my friends. I insisted on coaching all my friends. And I even at some point, I don't remember exactly when, but I hired my own coach. But in the meantime, I left the first startup. I went to the second startup. I was the CFO for a little while because the CEO came to hire me to be the GM of the Boston office. He was in California and he saw on my resume, he hadn't seen my resume yet. He saw on my resume that I was a CPA and he said, I see you're a CPA. And I said, yeah. And he said, you want to be the CFO?

• 29:43Speaker 03

  And I said, no, I really don't. And he said, listen, I have a rent a CFO. She's robbing us blind. I need you to come to California and be the CFO for a while. You can hire a replacement and then come back here to Boston and be the GM. That was what they hired me for. And I said, all right, that's what I'll do. So that's what I did. So I spent some time there as a CFO. I kind of got things sorted out and it was of course, a very good experience. And then I came back to Boston and I was the head of the Boston office and it was an incredibly good experience because I kept telling myself, you can't be a coach yet. You're too young. You're too young. You don't have leadership

• 30:28Speaker 03

  experience. Who's going to believe in you? Well, after a couple of years in the startup world, you have leadership experience. So that was in 2000 timeframe, 2000, 2001. And then of course, the dot com exploded.

• 30:42Tim Ferriss?

  Bloody waters.

• 30:43Speaker 03

  Exactly. Exactly. So everything exploded or imploded, I should say. And they said, they shut down the Boston office and they said, come to California, we'll have a job for you here. And I said, no, I'm going to become a coach now. And that was like, boom, I had done all the things. I'd taken coach training. I'd hired my own coach. I coached all my friends and it was on Friday, I'm going to become a coach and on Monday I became a coach. That was my path.

• 31:08Tim Ferriss?

  Couple of things to double click on. Coaching your friends. Does this mean coaching for free? Did you charge them? Or you're like, let me just get in reps. I'm going to learn over the bodies of my early students. Battlefield, you know, how did you approach that?

• 31:27Speaker 03

  I coached them all for free. In fact, they did not want the coaching. I insisted on coaching them. I pushed myself on them. So I should have paid them, actually. It's the truth. I got in reps, to your point. And then after, I mean, I would say probably was after I became a coach, I began to coach strangers for free. So it was no longer friends. It was how do I start with somebody who I've never met before?

• 31:53Tim Ferriss?

  Do you just panhandle with like a well coached for change? Or how did you, how did you find these strangers?

• 31:59Speaker 03

  I asked my friends, do you know anybody who might want to coach for a period of time? I'm just a beginner, so I'm not going to be charging. And so I got referrals through that. And you get something out of it. First of all, you get the experience, but also if you do a good job with them and they're happy, they refer you to other people, which they did, who ultimately pay, right? Not just keep, you can't make a living actually coaching for free, it turns out. And I went to a vendor fair at my gym, I remember vividly, and had people sign up to do an introductory session with me. So a lot of people did this introductory session with me, and that was also, to your point, getting in reps. It was a feeling of practicing. How do you practice with somebody? That's also when I saw that you can add a lot of

• 32:43Speaker 03

  value very quickly for people, just by listening to what's going on with them and responding and sort of helping them sort out all the things they're struggling with in their lives.

• 32:53Tim Ferriss?

  Okay, so if we look at kind of present day, recent times, we met through, I don't, I don't know if we should mention his name explicitly, but we met through a mutual friend, an old friend of mine, who was in the process, I guess, when you met him of building up his company while you were together, sold it for, I have no idea, nine figures somewhere. So you went from vendor fair at the gym to working with people like that, C-suite, et cetera.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  By the way, I do want to talk about Pilgrimage to San Diego.

• 33:25Tim Ferriss?

  Let's go directly to Pilgrimage to San Diego.

• 33:27Speaker 03

  So after I had become a coach and coached all these people in my vendor fairs and finally found someone to, some people to start paying me, I started coaching, I actually started teaching and facilitating inside of a large company. And so from there, I was able to coach a lot of executives inside this large company. And I was like, awesome. It was fantastic. And I read, I read about, is this in the New Yorker magazine, this incredible coach, Marshall Goldsmith, who is well known as the number one coach in the world and all the trappings that come with that. 16 years ago, when I met him, he was sort of a big deal from this New Yorker article. I was flying to Ireland, and I grabbed a book that he had edited, and I read the whole book, and I was upset about something, and I read

• 34:12Speaker 03

  the book like, ah, ah, ah, okay. And I sort of remembered, oh, yeah, this is why I love coaching. Oh, yeah, this is what I can do. And I flipped to the back of the book, and I thought, hey, he's in San Diego. I had been anyway toying with the idea of going to San Diego, and I thought, I'm gonna find him. I'm gonna find him while I'm in San Diego. So I sort of networked. When I got to San Diego, I was gonna be there for three months in the winter. And I networked everywhere to try to find him. Nobody knew him, so I finally just sent him an email. And I said, Marshall, I'm in San Diego for this period. I would love to meet with you, even if it's just for a little period of time, even if it's for a long time away. But I really would love to just come and spend some time with you.

• 34:54Speaker 03

  And a week later, he emailed me back and I was able to kind of do my pilgrimage to go see Marshall Goldsmith, the great Marshall Goldsmith, in his home in Rancho Santa Fe, California.

• 35:03Tim Ferriss?

  Tell me more about this email pitch because I bet he received a lot of those and I can't imagine he said yes to them all. So what else was in there? Why would he reply to that? And why would he say yes?

• 35:13Speaker 03

  You know, Marshall is indeed a very generous person. And it turns out I'm not the only one who met him through a cold email. It was a short email and I'm sure I described myself as in, you know, I'm a coach. Oh, I know. I'm sure I said, I'm a coach. I saw the New Yorker article that was written about you. I saw myself in that and I'd love to come and meet with you and see you. And then I kind of let him off the hook. Under any conditions that will work for you. A short period of time, anytime you want. So I think that that probably, all the combination of those things was probably very helpful.

• 35:47Tim Ferriss?

  Is there any credibility line that you think helped that email? Or was that absence where you were like, I've done work with A, B, and C? Or I have blah, blah, blah, nothing like that?

• 35:59Speaker 03

  No, nothing like that.

• 36:00Tim Ferriss?

  That's incredible.

• 36:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 36:02Tim Ferriss?

  I wonder, even if he is generous, I wonder if you caught him in a good window? Just because there's a point where you just can't physically respond to all of those if you get a lot of them. So that's great that it worked out.

• 36:18Speaker 03

  I think you're right about timing. I think, you know, you can catch people in a good window to your point. And probably, I mean, certainly he travels a lot. So as it happens, he was around during this particular period that was going to work for both of us.

• 36:31Tim Ferriss?

  So what happened with Marshall?

• 36:33Speaker 03

  So with Marshall, we took this walk. He even said, come early in the morning. So I said, okay, I'll come early in the morning. He also suggested I bring a dog treat for his dog, Bo, which I followed instructions. Good idea. And he walked me around this lake that they had in Rancho Santa Fe, and it was this beautiful lake, this beautiful day, and we were talking, talking, talking. Marshall's a great talker. And at some point, he said, Alyssa, how can I make your life better? And I thought, oh, I don't know what, I'm not prepared for this question. I don't know what to say. So I said, oh, Marshall, I just want to spend more time with you. Marshall has himself benefited from a lot of other people taking an interest in him and giving him a chance. So he was talking about that. And it just goes back to your

• 37:17Speaker 03

  question, why would he see me? And so I think he sees himself in other people. So he was talking about Paul Hersey and how he'd spent time with him. We get back to the driveway. I'm about to get in the car. And I thought, oh, I know he's the big mentor, but you have to step up right now. So I said, well, Marshall, how can I make your life better? And he said, well, there's a project you could work on with me. I was like, oh, that's fantastic. That's wonderful. I'd love to do that. And he said, oh, but it's in New York. And I said, perfect, because I live in Boston. I don't think he quite realized I was only in San Diego for this three month period. So I was like, that's great. He said, okay, send me your resume and wait for further instructions, which I did. And next thing I know, I was in the executive dining room of this big bank in New York City.

• 38:04Tim Ferriss?

  And meeting with the Illuminati, what happened there?

• 38:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, well, I was meeting, I was meeting with the COO of this big bank, and the three of us, it was me and him and the COO. And he pretty much said, this is Alyssa, she's going to be working with me, and she's going to be part of the coaching team. So that was the first time I did anything with him. And we worked together pretty closely for a couple of years. And he would bring me into engagements he was working on. And I would do this, we call it stakeholder centered feedback. So it's stakeholder centered coaching, which means 360 feedback from the folks around the executive, and I would do that.

• 38:47Tim Ferriss?

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• 39:30Tim Ferriss?

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• 40:17Tim Ferriss?

  This is a good time to pause and expand on 360 feedback. So you facilitated this for me, and I found it both valuable and absolutely crushing. It was like panic attack level crushing. I've had Joe Gebbia, co-founder of Airbnb, on this podcast before. He, after his 360 feedback, I think he went to his car in the parking lot and just cried in his car.

• 40:49Tim Ferriss?

  I think you have a story, I don't know the full story, but I think you have a story about a CEO in India, which I'd love to hear about, within the context of describing what 360 feedback is.

• 41:00Speaker 03

  I will describe it. And then, Tim, I'd love to ask you actually double click on what you just said in terms of valuable and then also, of course, very confronting. But all it is, is when I'm working with somebody, like in your case, for you, I went to a number of your employees and also business associates, and I ask people three or four questions. But the basic questions are, what is Tim great at? What is his strongest strengths? What does Tim need to get better at? What are his development opportunities? And then what specific behavioral suggestions do you have for Tim to help him be a better leader, better professional, kind of whatever that is? And then we talk, you know, when I'm talking with somebody, of course, I probe and ask for very, as specific as I can get, because you can say all day long, this person needs

• 41:44Speaker 03

  to be more collaborative, or the person needs to be more strategic, or the person should work on whatever. And I'm always interested in what behaviorally would make you think that, because people have very different definitions of what we think are common words.

• 41:57Tim Ferriss?

  Right.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Right. So I gather all that together, and I put together common themes and specific quotes from people. So people can hear it. So the executives I work with can hear it in their own words and the people around them. And then we sit down and talk through what they found out. So like, in your case, we sat down and we talked it through what you found out about yourself, both in terms of your strongest strengths and also your development opportunities. And then I love the suggestions, because it really gives you a roadmap about what you should start doing and stop doing behaviorally to make changes in the eyes of the stakeholders.

• 42:31Tim Ferriss?

  I think one of the mistakes I made, if I remember correctly, because I know you sent me, and we talked about the feedback, which was all anonymized. This is a really important point. And I think I was headed on a trip, or I can't remember exactly what was happening. But I said something that I've said a lot before that I now take to be untrue, which is, well, the good stuff takes care of itself. So just send me all, like, the critical. Send me the hard stuff. Just, just like, front load, front load all the critical stuff. The good stuff will just take care of itself. It's already happening. I don't need to fluff up my ego or puff up my chest. Like, just front load all the development

• 43:13Tim Ferriss?

  opportunities, which is like, really putting a monkey in a soup, but it, but it is better phrasing. And I was not prepared for the level of brutal honesty and detail. I don't think anyone is, even if they say they are, they aren't. At least none of my friends who have gone through this process seem to quite be prepared for what they

• 43:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:40Tim Ferriss?

  receive. And it's valuable, especially when there are themes, which almost inadvertently there are, but very, very challenging.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:50Tim Ferriss?

  And I am curious about the CEO in India that you've mentioned, but not elaborated on. What are the most common responses to 360 feedback?

• 44:01Speaker 03

  Yeah. So first of all, the most common response is just what you said, which is, I don't care about the good stuff. No, I don't care about that. And I have to sometimes force it on people. I don't think I had to force it on you. Well, I think you were sort of like, all right, fine, we're gonna do it your way. So you patiently waited for me to get through the good stuff, the strengths. It's very common that people want to just get to the part where they can sort of, they need to change or fix something. The second is, to your point, it's extremely common to be like upset, basically, to be confronted, right? It's very confronting when you see that kind of stuff in black and white. The CEO I worked with in India, we were sitting in a conference room together and I gave

• 44:44Speaker 03

  him the 360 and he was quite impatient with the strengths, like, oh, you're good at this and you're smart and you're a great motivator and you're able to lead with influence, which is not always common for a CEO. I mean, it was fantastic. And then also the difficult stuff, which was, you know, he was, I remember he was sort of motioning, yeah, yeah, let's go, let's get to the difficult stuff, let's get to the development opportunities. Okay. So turned out he was kind of a bully at times. He was sort of overreact to many things. And we had a list of things and he listened to me, he looked at the papers and he threw them down and he said, this is bullshit. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. And he walked out of the, walked out of the conference, which has never happened to me, either before or since.

• 45:29Tim Ferriss?

  Which part was bullshit? Was it the anonymizing or was it something else? The feedback? What did getting to the bottom of it mean in his mind, do you think?

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Good question, because I was thinking if he goes back to his people and confronts them with you said this about me or you said that about me, we are sunk. The reason we give confidentiality to people, the reason I say to people, I'm not going to say who said what is for safety. So they don't feel like I can, you know, I can talk about the boss and they don't feel like they're going to get fired. So what if he goes out and starts asking people, did you say this? Did you say this? So I did not know what that meant. I was pretty freaked out. I really was like, I don't know what's going to happen now. So I kind of waited. He came back and he said, I just called my wife and she said, it's all true.

• 46:19Tim Ferriss?

  That's really funny.

• 46:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:21Tim Ferriss?

  One of the challenges I had was, well, there were two of them. On one hand, there were, there were some outliers, I would say, with the understanding that my team is not huge, right? I don't have a large team, but there was some feedback that was highly specific, really uncomfortable, that I wanted to address, but it was not across the board for the team. And since it was anonymized and I didn't know who provided the feedback, I felt paralyzed, in a sense, because like here is an individual with a specific complaint and I can't fix it because I don't know who it is, or at least that was how I felt. The other issue was being

• 47:03Tim Ferriss?

  able to identify, to triangulate somehow be like, okay, I actually do know who this is, but I, I still don't feel like I can bring this up with them directly because it was provided under the promise of confidentiality, right? So I was like, well, what the fuck do I do with this then? I had a lot of trouble emotionally with it. And ultimately, there were actionable things and we could put together a plan, but. Man, I'm sure you remember, I really had a very, very tough time with it.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:33Tim Ferriss?

  Which I guess going into it, if the expectation is set that, by the way, most people or a lot of people have a lot of trouble with this, then I don't feel quite as judgmental about my response to it.

• 47:48Speaker 03

  Well, there's a lot here. It's fascinating what you're saying. And I, of course, I remember that. And I remember that with a lot of compassion, especially because to your point, just it's very confronting for most people and they have their different ways of reacting to it. Many people get quite defensive at first. I remember your reaction was definitely just quite, kind of a brought up a lot of anxiety for you, as I recall.

• 48:14Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, I was just like, well, what the fuck do I do with all this? Because it was, we had a lot of feedback. I was like, I can't remember 15, 20 pages. I don't know. It felt like 15 or 20 pages, but I think it was. I mean, there was a lot of feedback, positive and negative. But for me, and this is a weakness of mine, I don't think I've received a lot of positive feedback in my life. So I discount it. I'm just like, yeah, I don't need that. I don't need that. Right? Like just if I'm scoring 97 on the test, I need to fix the other three points, not the other 97. So what's the negative feedback or the, I want to know the developmental opportunities. And it wasn't immediately clear to me that I could do anything without being able to correlate and discuss the feedback to specific people, if that makes sense. So it was, I had a lot of anxiety. I definitely did.

• 49:00Speaker 03

  And I remember that was the, that was sort of the day or the day after in particular that we talked about it. And maybe a couple of things also, I don't think that we were as rigorous about this with you as I typically am with the CEOs I work with, which is to send them back to the stakeholders and to say, here's what I found out and to send back to all the stakeholders. Because again, it's anonymous. So you can talk about the themes that I found out. And then here's what I'm going to do about it. And that actually is a connective tissue. Okay, so I got all this feedback, so now what do I do with it? And opening up the dialogue with the stakeholders is actually very, it's very healing. It takes taboo topics off the table.

• 49:44Speaker 03

  It actually then helps people say in their own words what's going on. It helps the CEO if this was really not a topic for you, but it helps the CEO if necessary apologize to people. Like, I didn't realize I was coming across that way. So in many ways, that process, it's a starting point of getting the feedback itself and then sending them back to the stakeholders to have open-ended conversations about what they found out, what they're going to do about it. Bridges the gap between the feedback and then the response. But I guess I'm wondering about you, Tim. Could you talk about what was valuable about it? And what did you change as a result of it?

• 50:16Tim Ferriss?

  Well, I think that there are certain themes that came back, not surprisingly. So since I have not historically received a lot of positive feedback, I tend not to give a lot of positive feedback. There were a number of themes like that that were self-evident in their importance. It just took the reinforcement of multiple people saying something similar to really drive the point home that something needed to be done about that. Also, I think that as someone who has worked remotely most of his life, it's easy for me to forget how helpful team cohesion can be.

• 50:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:57Tim Ferriss?

  And with a distributed team also, I think it's easy for me to take that for granted because I just, I tend to, I think, do better than most in an isolated environment. I just don't need as much. I think I'm bizarre in that way. I just have some mutation where I don't require as much socially. I require quite a bit environmentally, but not socially. So seeing those things as themes as opposed to one-off comments by individuals distributed over a long period of time was helpful to then sit down and say, okay, what am I going to put in my calendar? Because if it's not in my calendar, it's just not real. What am I going to put in my calendar?

• 51:42Tim Ferriss?

  To block out time to start to address some of these things or develop certain habits that counterbalance other things. So I think in those ways, it was very helpful. I required a cooling off period before I could get there.

• 51:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:00Tim Ferriss?

  And to be clear, it wasn't so much anger at employees or team members. It was, it wasn't obvious to me immediately how to fix these problems, or even that they were fixable, since I couldn't have specific conversations with specific people. I think that is where I had the most struggle at the time. And I think that's from speaking with friends who have done this. I think that's a pretty common feeling. Maybe it's magnified, or maybe it's lessened by having a smaller team. I don't know. And there's certainly, you know, other things that we've done that I've found helpful that perhaps you could speak to, like the pre-mortem as opposed to the post-mortem.

• 52:44Tim Ferriss?

  Could you speak to what that is?

• 52:48Speaker 03

  People know what a post-mortem is, like, let's debrief how this went. But I work with my clients and also thinking about in pre-mortem. So thinking about, let's assume that this doesn't go well. This fails in some way, or it doesn't fulfill the promise. What are the things that we did that made it fail? And if you can anticipate those in advance, you have a much better way, a much better hope of planning to not have those things. One of my clients did this, they were doing a partnership with a larger company. And the pre-mortem was all the things that are going to prevent us from winning, from doing it right. And one was lack of communication. So my client that I was coaching from the startup,

• 53:33Speaker 03

  She realized, ah, okay, I need to proactively make sure that I'm going to put meetings on the calendar that are going to contain all of us, project meetings that are going to contain all of us on a regular basis. Now, what normally happens in any kind of company, oh, we're too busy, we're good, we don't need those meetings, no, we're all set. But she really insisted because she sort of saw it's going to be easy for us to get off track on this project. And it really helped them all stay on the same page and also help them build relationships so that when things got bad and that, you know, when things sort of got rough, and they did, the relationship amongst all the team members who are working together was much better.

• 54:17Speaker 03

  So that's an example of the way you can use a premortem.

• 54:19Tim Ferriss?

  I think the phrasing is really important, as always, because, you know, the words reflect, and the questions we ask reflect the precision or lack of precision in our thinking, rather than saying, what could go wrong? What could go wrong? Saying, let's assume six months from now, the project has failed.

• 54:39Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 54:40Tim Ferriss?

  First of all, that forces you to define what failure is and what success is.

• 54:46Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 54:47Tim Ferriss?

  Respectively. So let's assume six months from now, this project has failed. What does that look like? And then what are the most likely causes? What are the things that most likely contribute to that? And walking through, if you were to create the perfect recipe for producing this failure, what would the steps look like? What would the ingredients be?

• 55:07Speaker 03

  Right.

• 55:08Tim Ferriss?

  Is super, super, super helpful. I want to touch on a couple of other points so we can digress, I should say, we can weave, we can weave this conversation in any nonlinear way that we like. But you are very good at keeping people on point, which presupposes there is a point, in conversations and meetings. Could you speak to establishing agendas or goals for meetings? How do people actually? Ensure that meetings are valuable because there are also many people listening to this, no doubt, who look at their calendar for the week and they're like, for fuck's sake, I have 80% of my time blocked out for meetings. What is happening in these meetings?

• 55:52Tim Ferriss?

  Or I wish I could not be at some of these meetings. How do you make a productive meeting?

• 55:57Speaker 03

  I am always astounded at meetings and how inefficiently they're run and how much we waste our time in meetings. I'm always like, guys, it's an expensive room, right? Like, actually, it matters that we're all here and kind of meandering off course. So when I'm there, or what I always try to do is get people to do this, hopefully not when I'm not there, to get into the habit of saying, what's the goal of this meeting? What is the purpose of this meeting specifically? And what does success look like? We're going to come out of this meeting with, and then some definition of success. And then, how are we going to get there? So when I often will say to people, what's the goal of the meeting? They kind of list out an agenda. First, we're going to talk about this, then we're going to talk about this. And

• 56:38Speaker 03

  actually, what's interesting to me is that it takes a minute for me to have them step back and say, no, really, what's the goal of this meeting? Like, what's, what is the outcome you're looking for? Not just the tools, not just the sort of agenda you're going to go through.

• 56:54Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, we're making pound cake or carrot cake? Don't just list the ingredients. Like, what do we make in here?

• 56:58Speaker 03

  Right, right, right. Exactly. That's it. Right. Or we're making pound cake or spaghetti? Because it's, it's like two different things. So what they'll say is, well, we're trying to make decisions on this, that, and the other. And I'll say, okay, so you've got 20 people in this meeting. Are you really going to make a decision in this meeting? Is that really what you're going to do? Are you set up to make a decision? Has everyone thought about it? Oh, no, not really. Okay. Who do you actually need to make a decision? Well, these five people. Oh, okay, great. And what do they need to make a decision? Well, they need this kind of material, this kind of insight. Fantastic. So the decision-making meeting, the sort of, we're going to decide this thing, is a different meeting.

• 57:39Speaker 03

  By the way, Tim, if that meeting's happening now, then what we can do is shift the goal of this meeting. It doesn't have to be irrelevant. The goal of this meeting, maybe, is to lay the table for that decision. How's that? So maybe it's to get everyone on the same page. Maybe it's to prime everybody. The decision's about to be made. Maybe it's to have everybody go off and do some more work to come back to the table to think about the decision. That's okay. But then we have to be clear, the purpose of this meeting is to communicate and prime people. And that's a different meeting is going to happen. There's a different meeting is going to happen to make a decision. I'm obsessed with meetings, as you can see. I love meetings.

• 58:20Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah.

• 58:21Speaker 03

  Good meetings are great.

• 58:22Tim Ferriss?

  Well, that's part of the reason that I have hired you to help with offsites before.

• 58:27Speaker 03

  Oh, my favorite thing in the world.

• 58:29Tim Ferriss?

  Could you speak to offsites? And let's frame it for people, because perhaps if they work in a large company, chances are that offsites have either been figured out or they haven't. But if we're talking about smaller teams, just for the sake of argument, to make it, not argument, but for the sake of discussion, to make it concrete, let's just say it's teams of 10 to 20 people, startups, fast-growing startups, right, currently 10 to 20 employees. How would you encourage people to think about to offsite or not to offsite? Let's just assume we are post-COVID concerned. And then if the decision is to

• 59:11Tim Ferriss?

  offsite, how to think about formatting such a thing?

• 59:15Speaker 03

  Well, I like to think of myself as somebody who doesn't overprescribe. As a coach, I don't walk into a situation and say, let's do an offsite. We need to have an offsite. No, no, no. First of all, I'm involved. So what I'm finding are a few symptoms. And the symptoms might be people are not on the same page. People don't understand the goals. There's not maybe a strong relationship between key people. To your point about actually about team cohesion, there's just not an esprit de corps. So what that means is, all of those things get in the way of work and get in the way of kind of rowing in the same direction. So that's what I would say to the CEO I'm working with, the leader I'm working with, let's do an offsite. Now, as I recall, Tim, you were a little skeptical.

• 59:57Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, I was, I was, I was. I mean, this just comes back to not recognizing that my norm is not normal. Right. I mean, I just, I have certain mutations and don't get me wrong, they're not all enabling. I have some crippling deficits, but I was skeptical. I was like, yeah, do we really need this? I mean, we live in a digital, distributed world. People are doing their work. We have the sauna, we have Slack, we have these tools. What are we going to do in the offsite? I mean, is this, I don't, I don't quite understand the value. So yes, I was very skeptical.

• 1:00:32Speaker 03

  Yeah. So you were actually not alone.

• 1:00:33Tim Ferriss?

  To my credit, I did it.

• 1:00:35Speaker 03

  You did it. What made you agree to do it? Do you remember?

• 1:00:40Tim Ferriss?

  You know, I think that for a lot of things like this, ultimately, it came down to what's the max downside and is there possible upside? If so, what might those upsides be? And then just looking at it and concluding that it's an experiment worth conducting. I hadn't decided that it was a bad idea. I hadn't decided either that it was a good idea, but I came to the conclusion, kind of weighing the pros and cons, that it was a worthwhile experiment.

• 1:01:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, what the heck? Let's just try it. Yeah. And I think that actually you are not alone. So many of the CEOs I work with, or any of the leaders I work with, if they haven't experienced offsites, or people may have experienced it as a negative, either waste of time, or weird trust falls, or uncomfortable, or not productive, I typically have a little ways to go to help persuade them, influence them, that it's a good idea, to your point, to try. So for me, what I like to do is I use data, as in, this is my experience of the team. So the team doesn't know, as I said before, the things going on. It'll be really helpful to get everyone

• 1:01:44Speaker 03

  on the same page. It'll be helpful to do this one particular working session in where we step outside the day to day and do it together in a concentrated period of time. But at the end of the day, Tim, just like you, they're like, all right, let's try it. So then we try it and it's, to me, it's the same thing. What's the goal of this offsite? Offsite, a two day offsite. What's the specific goal that we want to get out of this? And by the way, team cohesion, having some laughs together, enjoying being together. That's part of it. That's a fantastic goal, especially, by the way, coming out of COVID. That's a fantastic goal right now, just to kind of reconnect. But then it may also be to plan the year, or it may also be to think through how we're working as a team

• 1:02:27Speaker 03

  and to improve the way we're working together as a team. And it may also be specific projects that the team is working on that'll just, again, benefit from a quiet reflective space together.

• 1:02:39Tim Ferriss?

  It really struck me after the fact as so clearly valuable also in establishing a feeling of team for a distributed team who individually otherwise can feel very, very isolated.

• 1:03:00Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:03:01Tim Ferriss?

  And this is particularly true, I think, in my team where there's not a whole lot of overlap. It's not like I have five people working in one division, 20 people working in another. I have very clearly defined roles and they don't overlap very much. And therefore people can kind of feel like they're on an island, interacting with me on a somewhat minimal level via phone and certainly via FaceTime in person or otherwise. And that that can be really hard for people, really, really hard for people. And I also found it really enjoyable. Surprise, surprise. Tim also likes to be social sometimes. And breaking bread and having meals and bullshitting and cracking jokes

• 1:03:45Tim Ferriss?

  and having interaction that is not limited to, all right, what's the status on X? What are the next steps on Y? Was really helpful to the fortify the health of the collective, so to speak. I was surprised.

• 1:04:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, I remember you were surprised. I remember this feeling of, oh, you're having fun. That's good. That's good. I think your team was way into it and no one knew it to expect really. But I appreciate that you have come to see the value of the feeling of enjoying being together as being actually tangibly helpful for the team to work together.

• 1:04:24Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. That's great. Yeah. That was fun. It was fun. And, you know, I wanted to read something that, speaking of my team, so that was just sent by someone on my team, because I asked them for it, that is related to wasted time in meetings. And this is from John Arnold, who's an incredible, incredible investor, very, very effective philanthropist also. And 2000, I think 2007, he became the youngest billionaire in the US and has a fascinating story. And in fact, my friend, Peter Attia, Dr. Peter Attia, interviewed John Arnold on his podcast, and I encourage people to listen to it. He started a firm called Centaurus Advisors, it was a long time ago, which was a Houston-based hedge

• 1:05:09Tim Ferriss?

  fund specializing in trading energy products. Amazing story, really, really fascinating guy. And he was in Tribe of Mentors. And I think the question he was responding to is something, you know, what have you come to appreciate or do more or think more about as you've grown older? And here's his answer, it's pretty short. "I had not appreciated the maxim 'time is money' until recently," which is surprising, right? Coming from someone of this level of accomplishment. So he continues, "But for those whose time is a scarce resource, learning to say no to meetings is a necessary skill. Sitting through an unproductive meeting has huge opportunity cost. It seems obvious, but people struggle with equilibrating time and money." And this is the part that really stuck out for me.

• 1:05:53Tim Ferriss?

  It actually still kind of pains me to read this because I recognize it also in myself. "There are many organizations that fret over small, direct expenses, yet have no misgivings about keeping superfluous staff tied up in a conference room for hours. In recent years, I've become better at judging the opportunity cost of time." But it's true, right? So it's easy to scrutinize an expense report and be like, wait a second, why the hell did such and such cost two grand? In the meantime, the calendar is just clogged full of meetings where staff time is just spinning.

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 1:06:28Tim Ferriss?

  At an alarming rate and racking up incredible time costs. And that was in his profile in Tribe of Mentors. But yeah, so I appreciate and I value how you are able to help extract and ensure high value from meetings because it's another thing that I've had, I think in many cases, a reasonable bias against, but I have come to appreciate that there are times and places where they can be run very effectively and there are techniques, there are tools for doing that.

• 1:07:02Speaker 03

  Yes. Can I say one thing about that quote, which was fantastic?

• 1:07:05Tim Ferriss?

  Yes.

• 1:07:05Speaker 03

  It's that we have, so you're holding these people hostage, you're holding the staff hostage in these meetings. And of course, you're hoarding time that should be unlocked to have them go do other things. But also, it's like you're crushing their soul because they know that they shouldn't be in this meeting because there's like, oh, I have so much work to do and I'm in this meeting and it's just draining. People don't feel burned out because they're working long hours or they're working hard. People feel burned out when they're wasting their time, when things are hard to do, or when they're spending their time in these endless meetings that don't feel relevant to them. So I think that's part of the unlock is also it's to be efficient and effective in your meetings. And it's

• 1:07:50Speaker 03

  also to recognize that people should be freed and unlocked to go do their work and they're going to be happier when they're putting their time and effort into things that matter.

• 1:08:00Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, for sure. For sure. I mean, if I look at the times when I am energetically under-resourced and exhausted, it's not when I'm working really hard on something I care about or something I'm excited about. It's when I'm dying to death by a thousand paper cuts.

• 1:08:21Tim Ferriss?

  Or locked into something that I'd prefer not to be doing. Thankfully, not very often, but it does happen. So let's also talk about one of your strengths, which I have personally benefited from. I know a lot of my friends who have worked with you also benefit from, and that is scripts. And my friend, Ramit Sethi, has scripts for all sorts of things related to personal finance, and they work, right? So if you want to renegotiate your credit card fees, or whatever it might be, or you want to ask for a certain favor from your bank, there are simply scripts that work better than others. And I'd like to talk about a couple of them. You have scripts for a million different things, and you actually have these scripts

• 1:09:06Tim Ferriss?

  in your book. So for people who want a full repository of these scripts that have been refined over time, From Startup to Grown Up is the book, so pick that up. Well, let's talk about an uncomfortable situation in the work context. And for my team who's listening, this is not because any of you are falling in this category, just to be, just to be clear. How to give someone feedback about the fact that they're not addressing feedback you've already given them?

• 1:09:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:37Tim Ferriss?

  Or that you've given them multiple times?

• 1:09:38Speaker 03

  So what I think oftentimes, the clients I work with, and really any, let's think of a CEO of a startup that I work with, his point of view to me is, I keep telling him, I've told him, I've told him multiple times, I've told him, he's not doing it. So then I'm like, let's step back, because your job is not to nag people. That's terrible, this feeling of like, oh, I'm the nag now. Now, to me, it gets interesting, and I like to give people a framework, which is content, pattern, and relationship. So content, pattern, and relationship. So content is-

• 1:10:10Tim Ferriss?

  CPR.

• 1:10:11Speaker 03

  CPR, exactly, exactly.

• 1:10:14Speaker 03

  So the content is the thing that they're doing. Let's assume that your vice president of product is not communicating with the people around him. He's kind of like living in a, in a silo. And we need your information to feed into sales, to feed into marketing, even to, to feed into engineering. And you're not proactively telling people what you're thinking and what's going on. So that's the feedback and I need you to proactively tell your people, tell, tell your peers what's going on. And then life goes on and he doesn't do it. And the CEO goes back and says, hey, I really need you to proactively tell your peers what's going on. It's really, they need this information. It's really important. So it doesn't happen again. And rather than keep going back, it's really helpful to say, hey, I've been seeing a pattern.

• 1:10:57Speaker 03

  So I've been asking you to proactively reach out with, to your peers and tell them what's going on. It's actually really important because they need the input. And you've told me, yes, yes, yes, a couple of times, but I'm seeing this pattern, which is that I ask you to do it. And maybe you get better for a day or two, but it doesn't stick. What's going on? And that's the conversation to have with people, not this constant sort of do this. Okay. Do this. Okay. Do this. It's like, doesn't help. At some point they're not doing it. What's going on?

• 1:11:27Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah. How do you see those conversations unfold? What do people say?

• 1:11:32Speaker 03

  Actually, the first reaction is usually, I know, I know, I'm sorry. I know, I know, I know. But that's the problem is that we're focusing again on content. Then I ask my clients to actually the role play with me. Let's talk about the pattern, what's going on? And do you think it's important? Yeah, I know it's important. I get busy. I forget. And then let's talk about strategies that I actually need you to use. And I'm here to help you, but I actually need you to use the strategies to remind yourself to coordinate better with them. Do you need to have sort of a small peer team meeting periodically, every day or once a week? Do you need to put on your calendar that you need to kind of let people know on Mondays and Thursdays, what's going on? Do you need to have more one-on-ones with these folks?

• 1:12:16Speaker 03

  Whatever it takes, but I can't have you keep forgetting if that's what's going on.

• 1:12:23Tim Ferriss?

  Okay, let's say, strike one, strike two, strike three, this conversation, strike 37, flash forward. What do you, what do the firing conversations look like?

• 1:12:38Speaker 03

  After a period of time, if this person is not performing, they're just not performing, they're either not communicating in this way, they're not managing their area. So for example, a lot of people inside of startups, they start out as a product manager, as an example, and then they turn into the head of product, which means they're no longer a product manager, that's not their job anymore. Their job is to lead, hire and lead a team of people. Very different skill set. And it's very common for someone who's a great product manager to get promoted into this head of product and then bad things happen, as I say, so.

• 1:13:14Tim Ferriss?

  Problems, problems everywhere, as you also said.

• 1:13:16Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly, problems, problems everywhere. Well, the problems, problems everywhere is like, yep, soon as you solve this problem, you're gonna solve another problem. So let's solve this problem first. You don't ever graduate from problems. So you then look at this person and you say, listen, and maybe you've had a few more conversations. And I'll talk about sort of, you're not building and leading your team. I've asked you a couple of times to really focus on building and leading your team, to make sure that everybody's coordinating together and that we're launching two or three products, not just this one product. I've asked you to learn to delegate more, to get people more involved, and I've asked you to communicate around to people. Let's assume that this person has not addressed any of your feedback or has not adequately addressed it. Maybe they're trying, maybe they're not trying. It needs to be a different conversation, which is,

• 1:14:01Speaker 03

  listen, I've asked you to do these things, it hasn't been working. I need to let you know that we're gonna part ways with you. We can talk all about why and how, and I want to make sure there's gonna be a good transition. I think you're a great person. It's just that you're not able to meet the job requirements right now and it's really necessary to have the people in place to meet the job requirements. So I want to talk to you about the transition plan. The thing is that I assume that you've had a lot of conversations in advance of that because it should not be a surprise for somebody when they ultimately get fired, if that's what happens. It's because you've had the conversations with them time and time again, content, pattern, and you're able to then say, we've had this conversation multiple times,

• 1:14:46Speaker 03

  it's not working, I need to make a different decision, we need to part ways.

• 1:14:51Tim Ferriss?

  Are there any books or resources that you recommend for getting better at having difficult conversations? Or uncomfortable conversations, I should say, because not all uncomfortable conversations are difficult, aside from the fact that most people avoid and would prefer not to feel discomfort, but they're not necessarily complex, they're just very uncomfortable.

• 1:15:17Speaker 03

  Uncomfortable, exactly. I think a fantastic resource is Crucial Conversations, which is then followed up by Crucial Confrontations,

• 1:15:29Speaker 03

  his companion book. So actually, I often think that people think that confrontations are like, oh, I don't want to confront him. Well, I think you're just saying, here's what's going on. It's not about confronting people. I think sometimes people confuse direct talk and straight talk with confrontations. Nonetheless, Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations give you a lot of tools into how to address those conversations. And I would add Radical Candor by Kim Scott is also a great book on that, from that point of view, because it also makes the case about why it's so important to give feedback for people. Radical Candor is really clear in you need to build a solid relationship with people, which is absolutely true. Conversations go better when you have a solid relationship with someone and they know that

• 1:16:14Speaker 03

  you're on their side and that you're doing this because you want to help them, give them the feedback because you want to help them. And then it helps you really have the tools to actually say what there is to say in a comfortable way. Well, not in a comfortable way, but in a less uncomfortable way.

• 1:16:29Tim Ferriss?

  Radical Candor has the author, one more time, please, Kim?

• 1:16:35Speaker 03

  Kim Scott.

• 1:16:36Tim Ferriss?

  Kim Scott.

• 1:16:37Speaker 03

  Yeah. She has a grid, and I don't remember all the parts of her grid, but one of her grid, the place you do not want to be is ruinous empathy. You feel so bad for them, so you don't want to say, and then 20 years go by and their career doesn't get better because you were not comfortable telling them what had to be said.

• 1:16:54Tim Ferriss?

  So Radical Candor, not to be confused with Radical Honesty, although they sound very similar. They're very, very different. I think they're actually both worth kind of digging into, but it made me think for a second, just for a little comedic relief of an article that a friend of mine named A.J. Jacobs wrote for Esquire Magazine, which is actually a really good article called, the headline is, "I Think You're Fat", and then the subtitle is, "This story is about something called Radical Honesty. It May Change Your Life, But Honestly, We Don't Really Care", by A.J. Jacobs. And A.J., for those who don't know, will undertake these often absurd, often also profound in some ways, experiments of sorts, much to the suffering of his poor

• 1:17:37Tim Ferriss?

  wife. It was great, but it's also a good compliment. It sort of highlights the risks and benefits of radical, in this case Radical Honesty, but Radical Candor. I actually haven't heard of that book before, so I'm excited to take a look at it. Kim Scott.

• 1:17:52Speaker 03

  I'd like to share a story with this became really real for me. It was

• 1:17:55Tim Ferriss?

  Please.

• 1:17:57Speaker 03

  Just from a client a few years ago. He was the CFO of the company that I was working with. And we would talk, and by the way, what a fantastic guy, and also was so empathetic that it was hard for him to give feedback to people. So he had his direct report, who was never, you know, a number of things that she wasn't doing right. She wasn't owning a process. She wasn't proactively giving updates. She would never speak publicly. So there was, you know, all these reasons why she was kind of getting in her own way. And we talked about, I said, "Well, maybe you need to give her that feedback." And he said, "Oh, no, I know what's gonna happen. She's gonna cry. No, I don't want

• 1:18:36Speaker 03

  to do that. No." And I said, "You know, you're observing this important area for her to grow in her career, and it's so stingy of you to hold back because you're not comfortable." That's what I hear you saying. "I'm gonna be uncomfortable, and I'm gonna make her uncomfortable." And I just said, "You know, you're robbing her of the benefits." So we role-played, he agreed, we role-played it. He went and talked to her. They had a very difficult conversation. It was difficult, not because she was against the feedback, but because she did cry. And because she did talk about her concerns. It's really hard for me to do this and it's hard for me to do that. It's hard for me to speak publicly. It's hard for me to remember to keep track of all these things.

• 1:19:21Speaker 03

  I don't always feel empowered to kind of go do this thing on my own. They had a long conversation. She was upset. And the next day she came back to him and said, I so appreciate you're telling me that. I know that was hard. I so appreciate you're telling me that. I wish somebody had told me all this 15 years ago. And I just thought, oh, we have so much work to do.

• 1:19:46Tim Ferriss?

  Problems, problems everywhere.

• 1:19:48Speaker 03

  Yes. Yes. Yes. And you've got to pick which problems you're going to solve now.

• 1:19:54Tim Ferriss?

  And if you solve the Hyundai of problems, congratulations. Now you get the Mercedes of problems. If you solve that, congratulations, you get the Bugatti of problems. But you're still going to have things to work on.

• 1:20:04Speaker 03

  It's true. I tell my clients, if you're lucky, you pick your problems. Problems, problems everywhere. But if you're lucky, you get to pick your problems. If you don't like these problems, why don't you go join IBM? Because you've got a whole other set of problems, right? With being in a large company besides being in your startup. So if you like these problems, let's solve these problems. These are the problems you've chosen for yourself.

• 1:20:27Tim Ferriss?

  For sure. And as Chris Bosch, legendary basketball player, said recently on the podcast, he said, just imagine you put all your problems on the table with everyone else's problems. You'll probably pick up your problems really quickly.

• 1:20:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's probably true.

• 1:20:44Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:45Tim Ferriss?

  So a couple of other things I have in my notes here that I wanted to explore. One is, and I think it extends well beyond personal brand, but the, the approach to personal brand of asking people, what are the three words you think about when you think about me? Could you elaborate on that, please?

• 1:21:02Speaker 03

  I love that. I think that's such a quick and easy 360 feedback a little bit. It's like, how am I showing up? So for everybody, Tim, you're the expert on your intention. And everybody around you is the expert on your impact. For all of us, it's so helpful to figure out, how am I showing up? Because we never really know how we're showing up. So this three words activity, first of all, I want to tell everybody, you can always say, oh, I heard a coach and she told me to do this. Blame me. That's what I always want to say because it's a little weird.

• 1:21:35Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:36Speaker 03

  What you're about to do is a little weird. And if you're not doing it inside of your organization, it's going to be like, wait, why are you doing this? I heard a coach. Okay, great. So you can email this to folks. You might want to set it up like I'm gathering information about me. I'm trying to advance my career. One thing that would really help me would be if you could articulate the three words that you think about when you think about me. And now people regularly say, you mean your strengths and weaknesses? No, no, no, no, just looking for the three words. And so if you can email that to folks, or if you can ask them, then they'll give you back three words. So I did this one of my clients and she had said to me, I'm very strategic. I'm like, great, that's fantastic. And she told me that quite a bit. And I said, well, let's do the three word activity. So I actually did it for her.

• 1:22:19Speaker 03

  I went out and I said, when you think about my client, what are the three words that come to mind? When you think about her? And a lot of words came back detailed, critical, thoughtful, analytical, methodical, but strategic did not show. We asked probably eight or 10 people and strategic did not show up. So I said, well, I'm just letting you know, I know that you're strategic in your own head, but I just want you to know that's not that brand is not getting out there. People are not viewing you as strategic. And I think that's common, Tim, because people think these thoughts in their head, they think. But really what people observe is action. They observe your communication and they observe what you do.

• 1:23:02Speaker 03

  So you've got to realize that that's what they have to draw on for you and make sure that you're doing things which are in alignment with the three words that you want them to say.

• 1:23:13Tim Ferriss?

  I sent this out to 10 people recently and no one came back with enlightened. I was very disappointed. Not, not, not, not a one.

• 1:23:22Speaker 03

  Keep working.

• 1:23:22Tim Ferriss?

  Working, keep working, keep working.

• 1:23:25Tim Ferriss?

  Carry water, carry water.

• 1:23:28Tim Ferriss?

  This type of exercise is.

• 1:23:32Tim Ferriss?

  Can be so powerful and it can take many forms, but this type of feedbacks that you can try to compare the image of yourself in your own mind or ego with the image of yourself, the perception of you in the wider world is so valuable. And some are more painful than others. I mean, I think that the 360 feedback is like a 360 sort of psychic colonoscopy. It's not always fun, very valuable. The three words is a pretty sort of lightweight appetizer approach. And I also remember for myself, you know, it only occurred to me right now

• 1:24:13Tim Ferriss?

  and popped into my mind, but when I was in high school, I must've been 15 or 16, I was probably 16, and I read a book called Mental Toughness Training for Sports by someone named Jim Lehrer, who much, much, much later, decades later, actually had on the podcast, L O E H R. And he's worked with all sorts of top level athletes, brand names that everyone would recognize. So I did this inventory in that book, which was similar to 360 feedback in so much as there were maybe 10 or 20 questions and you would give these out to people who knew you really well in different capacities, peers, coaches, et cetera. It was intended

• 1:24:51Tim Ferriss?

  for, in this case, sports, so teammates, but that really changed my life. It was even at 15 or 16, it was so shocking and enlightening and actionable to get that kind of feedback. So I love the three words exercise, which is also an easy way for people to kind of dip their toe in the water before they upgrade to the more aggressive possibilities.

• 1:25:20Speaker 03

  Right, the nuclear approach.

• 1:25:22Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 1:25:24Speaker 03

  Tim, can I ask you, what did you find out from that activity? And then how did you use it?

• 1:25:28Tim Ferriss?

  Way back when I did this, I wish I had a better memory of the exact questions, but it was an assessment of weaknesses and strengths.

• 1:25:41Tim Ferriss?

  And you would see patterns in terms of weaknesses, but not just weaknesses, but things that you should work on. So, okay, fine. We all have weaknesses. You don't actually need to fix all of them, most of the time. And if you look at some incredible athletes, I mean, they have huge weaknesses, but they know how to capitalize on their strengths. But if they have a weakness that is in some way handicapping their strengths, then there might be a bigger issue. So it was really helpful in an unemotional kind of clinical way, almost like they were anthropologists looking at this creature called Tim, to simply note, like, yeah, not great at endurance, or hasn't developed this physical attribute, or in this particular training capacity, like, could do better

• 1:26:26Tim Ferriss?

  in this following way in practice. And simply to see a consensus of some type was really helpful to me. Because I had a few blind spots. And for all of those reasons, found it really, really valuable.

• 1:26:41Speaker 03

  I love that. You know, as you know, I'm very into fitness and I'm into kettlebells. And so my coach, who works with me on my strength training and my kettlebells, one time I failed a lift and he looked at me so kindly and he said so, almost like joyfully, "Oh, good. Now we know where the gaps are."

• 1:27:04Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:05Speaker 03

  And I thought that was so beautiful that he looked at my failure, right, my weakness that way. And it changed actually my way to think about, as much as possible, I try to give people a lot of tools to handle it, to your point, kind of clinically, or even is, "Oh, good. Now we have something to do."

• 1:27:23Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, these reframes are really helpful because life can be such a disaster sometimes, or it can just be seen as such like an unrelenting barrage of like, a hailstorm of bullshit, that when you have these experiences, these reframes can make all the difference. And I wanted to also, because this came up to my mind earlier, but a quote from Jan Levin, who's an astrophysicist. Here's her quote, "I used to resent obstacles along the path, thinking, 'If only that hadn't happened, life would be so good.' Then I suddenly realized, life is the obstacles. There is no underlying path." And I just find that very reassuring. And another reframe that I found helpful, maybe a lens through which to look at these

• 1:28:08Tim Ferriss?

  experiences like a failed lift or something else, came from Jim Detmer, who's great and has been really helpful to me. And when I will have some blow up, or what I perceive is just a miserable failure, or just some complete D minus report card grade back on whatever I attempted to do, or I'll lose my temper, or I'll get really sad, or I'll start beating myself up and describe that to him. And he'll say, great, that's a pop quiz from the universe. Like all this stuff we've been working on, like, great, you just had a test. So let's look at what happened. And it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm not in the dojo. So I can like, practice karate kicks in the dojo. This is actually supposed to be used for something. Okay. Yeah. Let's look at the pop quiz from the universe and

• 1:28:53Tim Ferriss?

  the report card. And exactly as you said, like, great. How we know what the gaps are? Okay. Let's work on that.

• 1:28:59Speaker 03

  The pop quiz from the universe. I love that.

• 1:29:02Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:03Speaker 03

  I didn't study. I'm not ready.

• 1:29:05Tim Ferriss?

  Sorry. Sorry.

• 1:29:06Speaker 03

  You told me there wouldn't be quizzes this week.

• 1:29:08Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, you caught me. You caught me. I didn't read up on that math. Could you speak to self-talk? And specifically, how do you move from and why should you move from some of the more critical self-talk to, let's just say, and this is in my notes here, you know, I will be okay, no matter what. And when did that become important to you personally? And I realize there's a lot packed into that one compound question. So take it wherever you'd like.

• 1:29:42Speaker 03

  You know, I am somebody, to your point before, like, I'm on the forced march of my life many times. And so my self-talk can be, oh, you didn't do that right. You screwed that up. My woe is me self-talk is what will become of me. And

• 1:29:59Speaker 03

  I began to realize that that, you know, you think it's nothing. You think it doesn't matter. It's not in the physical world, or ah, who cares what you say to yourself, or no, I don't really talk to myself, or whatever. But once you become aware of it, actually, I have my clients do this, and I've done this myself, in the middle of the day, you could journal what has motivated me and energized me so far, and what has demoralized me and made me feel bad so far today, de-energized me. And very often, it's self-talk. So it's like, I did this thing, and I told myself, I did this great job. That's fantastic. That was energizing. And then coming to terms with what you tell yourself when you screw something up, or you got a D minus or something on the test.

• 1:30:42Speaker 03

  So I think just coming to terms with the fact that self-talk is real. And I began to study a little bit about it, and I saw research articles that said that athletes, athletes talk to themselves. And they see that when they say motivating things to themselves, they perform better. And when they say demotivating things to themselves, they perform worse. And I thought, well, I don't need much more information than that. I'm convinced. And then I see it in myself and in my clients. And so I just want to say to everybody, many people I work with are critical and are very hard on themselves. And I think that they think it gives them an edge. I know you've talked about that

• 1:31:24Speaker 03

  a lot before on your podcast. You think it gives you an edge. But actually, self-compassion and transforming that negative self-talk into something more positive, into reframes, finding ways to reframe it into more positive, telling yourself positive things even in the face of that negative self-talk, it's actually very helpful because it gives you a ton more energy. And I found that for myself.

• 1:31:47Tim Ferriss?

  Totally. And maybe it gives you an edge, but it's like trying to chop vegetables, holding the kitchen knife by the blade. It's like, yeah, you're pointing it the wrong way. You're not, you're not doing it right.

• 1:31:56Speaker 03

  Right. I think it leads to a downward spiral at times. You think it gives you an edge, but I am not sure if that edge is helpful in performance, because what do you care about? Success. Whatever that your domain is, you want to be successful. So the problem is when you talk down to yourself, when you criticize yourself, especially harshly, you're actually burning up a lot of calories, which you could have used to actually solve the problem. You're not your most resourceful, you're not your most creative and best self, when you're

• 1:32:28Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, and you can still have really high standards. If we look objectively at any type of mammalian training, whether it's dog training, dolphin training, human training, overwhelming negative feedback generally does not work very well. And there's a great book called Don't Shoot the Dog, terrible title, great book by, I think it's Karen Pryor, that I recommend to everybody. Self-talk is one pillar of not just mental health, but mental performance that I've tried to pay more and more attention to. A friend of mine, very well-known guy who people would know, has worked with therapists and used, I want to say it's dialectic

• 1:33:12Tim Ferriss?

  or dialectical behavioral therapy. And as part of that, done an exercise where when he catches himself berating himself with self-talk, he stops, pulls out his phone to use a voice memo, records self-talk as if he were talking to his best friend or say, a younger child, and then sends it to his therapist. And that's more for accountability than feedback, although there is feedback also. And did this for a number of weeks, and it changed how he spoke to himself. And in terms of the degree of harshness versus kind of support

• 1:33:57Tim Ferriss?

  and encouragement, makes a huge difference.

• 1:33:59Speaker 03

  Wow, wow, that's a huge difference.

• 1:34:02Tim Ferriss?

  Self-talk is, and I just want to mention this because I think it's a useful framework or just a mnemonic device, is one of what you refer to as the three selves, or the three selves. You have self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-talk. And I think if you, if you're checking those off, kind of like you would check off the food groups for a given day or exercises you need to do, we would all be better off, not just individually, but collectively. So I did want to mention that. I don't know if there's anything you want to add to that, but self-awareness, self-compassion, self-talk. Like you can't have any of those without self-awareness. That's kind of a prerequisite for the other two. But is there anything you'd like to add to that?

• 1:34:45Speaker 03

  I just want to add the bridge of self compassion, which I think is so important. Again, it's like people are, oh, no, I don't, I don't want to waste that time. I just want to fix the problem. I actually think internally, gosh, the image is coming to mind is like internally hugging yourself, actually knowing, hey, I'm doing the best, it's part of self talk, really. I'm doing the best I can. I don't mean to be screwing up, whatever is I think I'm screwing up. I'm going to keep trying until I get it right. The compassionate parent, looking into that self and giving some comfort. That lets you move to the next stage, which is self talk. It's becoming aware of it. It's then giving yourself the healing power of compassion,

• 1:35:29Speaker 03

  just knowing, hey, we're all here doing the best we can and so are you. That allows you and gives you the space to open up and transform your self talk. And by the way, if you're hard on yourself, the CEOs I work with, they can be very hard on themselves. They can be very critical. The problem is in addition to taking up your time and energy, it leaks into your team and it leaks into the people that you actually want to encourage. And you want them to do a good job and you want to encourage them. And regularly, if I say to somebody, what are you saying to yourself? And they say all these horrible things. I feel like, would you ever say that to your best friend? Would you actually ever say, oh, you jerk. Oh, I can't believe you totally screwed up? And they always would give their best friend much more of a break. And they even would give their employees much more of a break.

• 1:36:13Speaker 03

  And the problem is when they don't give themselves a break with self compassion, it kind of leaks out and it pollutes the environment.

• 1:36:19Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah. So with, so within, so without.

• 1:36:22Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:36:22Tim Ferriss?

  It's very difficult to have one not affect the other. Where does, I will be okay no matter what, that sentiment or that feeling come into this, if it does?

• 1:36:35Speaker 03

  I think that a lot of, I'll say a lot of people, a lot of people, but certainly a lot of people in the workplace and my clients, they have this underlying fear and concern. What if this happens? What if that happens? You know, in large companies, it might be, oh, what if I get fired? Or what if these layoffs affect me? Or whatever. And with a startup, it might be, oh, what if we fail? What if we don't make it? What if we can't raise this funding? And there's just a lot of fear and worry that shows up every day in the workplace. It's really very difficult to think about. So what I try to get them to remember is this one thing is not definitive of your entire life. Not only that, back to problems, problems everywhere. You're always going to have problems. So

• 1:37:16Speaker 03

  if you can approach this particular problem about maybe getting funding and having trouble doing it, or maybe concerns about your job, realizing, I will be okay no matter what. That helps you have some agency and some empowerment in this matter, whatever it is. And so I always want to encourage them to remember, who are you really? You have a lot of resources, you have a lot of creativity, you will figure your way out of this problem, just like you always have, because you will be okay no matter what. And I want people to take that on, take on the mantle of I will be okay no matter what.

• 1:37:52Tim Ferriss?

  You know, that's been another one that has taken, well, I shouldn't even put it in past tense, takes me quite a bit of reminder work to remain present to. It's part of the reason why I spend so much more time in and around nature now, because the further my life is abstracted away from that, the more manufactured need, and therefore anxiety seems to pervade my day-to-day existence.

• 1:38:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:38:23Tim Ferriss?

  That's so important. It's really, really.

• 1:38:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. And notice how it's actually divorced from circumstances. I'll speak for myself. My life's changed quite a bit in the past 20 years. I know that your life has changed too. The anxiety is kind of ever-present. It just changes what it attaches to. So you've got to find ways to counteract the anxiety because the anxiety isn't going away just because some circumstance. You think, oh, that thing that I finally get will somehow cure my anxiety. Not really. Not, I'm speaking for myself, not if you have some anxiety embedded inside of you.

• 1:38:56Tim Ferriss?

  Absolutely. There's a piece, I can't recall the exact title, but it's from School of Life. It's a really short article called, and I'm paraphrasing, I'll put the link in the show notes, but "On Finding Something to Worry About," I think is the title. And again, I'm paraphrasing, but there's an excellent line in there that really struck me, which is something along the lines of, "Perhaps the thing you're so worried about already happened."

• 1:39:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:39:25Tim Ferriss?

  Alluding to the fact that we're so informed by our experiences in childhood and so on, that perhaps the thing that we are so, so worried is going to happen, is actually something that already happened and that we can let go of. Great piece, Alain de Botton, A-L-A-I-N, space, D-E in the middle, B-O-T-T-O-N, I think is the spelling. All those things should help you find it, but we'll put it in the show notes. So let's talk about "From Startup to Grown-Up." Great title, by the way. I'm really excited about this. It's got three sections, managing you, managing them, managing the business. The appendix contains what we mentioned earlier, the scripts for delicate situations, which I think is in and of themselves,

• 1:40:09Tim Ferriss?

  makes the book worth it in terms of picking up, like just to have a desk reference for delicate situations. I'm kind of a sucker, warm audience for scripts of any type, so I'm super excited about that. And I would love to just know more about the journey of creating the book and why you decided to write a book, because writing books turns out pretty hard. Takes a while. So I don't actually know all the backstory here, so I would love for you to just tell the story of how this book came to be and why.

• 1:40:47Speaker 03

  So first of all, in my case, the book took 10 years to write. 10 years plus six months. The first 10 years were like, oh, I can't do it. I'm not good at this. I can't do it. So that was extremely frustrating. I knew I had something to say and I wanted to say it. And also, as I got more and more involved with startups, I really saw, oh, there are these common things that happen in startups. I'll say like, well, where's your leadership team? They'll say, wait, what's a leadership team? Or I'll say, well, did you give them feedback?

• 1:41:16Tim Ferriss?

  You're like, exactly.

• 1:41:18Speaker 03

  Right, right, exactly. Exactly. Or they'll say, this person isn't doing this job. And I'll say, well, did you hire for that job? Oh, well, we sort of just liked that person or whatever. So I see these things over and over and I really wanted to write a book. And I'll just tell you, I was just kind of in my own way. All my reasons, I'm not sure if I can do it. Every time I sit down to write, I go blank. I'm not sure how to structure it. All of these things. And then I wouldn't necessarily devote the time to it because it was very uncomfortable. So I'd rather do the things that were comfortable for me. So it took me quite a long time to get over that. And it was actually during the pandemic that I just thought, if you don't take this time to write your book, you're going to be so disappointed in yourself.

• 1:42:03Speaker 03

  Coming out of this pandemic, what's going to make you feel like I did not use my time appropriately? Did not use my time well? And the answer was that you didn't write this book. So I talked to a number of friends. I got a lot of moral support. I shed many tears. And I had anyway, already had a contact at a publisher. And so the wonderful Kathy Sweeney and I talked together about this book and we sort of finalized what I was going to do. And then I don't know what happened, but everything just kind of changed. Like I began to kind of tell my stories. And I was able to just talk about in writing, the experiences I'd had in startups. And amazingly, the words, I don't want to say they flowed out of me.

• 1:42:47Speaker 03

  There was plenty of difficulty and butt in chair and discipline around it. But I no longer, back to self-talk, I no longer had this, I can't do it in my head. I had instead, I'm going to do this. I'm going to get this done.

• 1:43:03Tim Ferriss?

  What changed? I have to ask, what changed? What the hell changed? If you knew, if you knew what changed. What would it be?

• 1:43:11Speaker 03

  What would it be? Okay, the turning point, I think, was my good friend and fellow coach and one of the Marshall Goldsmith 100 coaches also, Michael Bunges Danyer. He was kind enough, we were gonna do it in person when we were in London together, but we ended up doing it on Zoom, he was kind enough to do this process called immunity to change. Do you know what that is?

• 1:43:32Tim Ferriss?

  I don't.

• 1:43:32Speaker 03

  I read the book. I'm like, I know that already. I read the book. I know. But actually, I'm doing it was very helpful. So it's, I think his name is Robert Keegan, but the process is, there's a reason, you say you want to do this thing, you say you want to change, but you're not changing. So it's like, one foot is on the accelerator and one foot is on the brake. What's on the brake? And Michael was kind enough to sit with me as I talked about all my concerns and issues. Turned out there were a lot of them. You say you want to write a book. Yeah, I want to write a book. What's in the way? I don't know. What if you did know? I was able to reveal to myself with Michael's, you know, supportive help, what was in my way

• 1:44:16Speaker 03

  and all my associations with how hard it was going to be, all my associations with what if I, it's really a lot of ego stuff, like what if it's not a good book? What if nobody likes it? I don't want to be that kind of person who's always talking about my book. You know, in my book, I say.

• 1:44:32Tim Ferriss?

  Uh oh.

• 1:44:34Speaker 03

  Be that person. Right? I also knew writing it was one thing. And then sort of the year after, you know, and helping people learn about it and promoting it was another thing. And as we talked, it was like I laid them all out on the table. And I saw really pretty physically, pretty physically, all the things that were in my way. What's interesting is that sometimes just surfacing the things that are in your way, help you, I'm not saying they don't go away like, oh, magically. But every time now resistance comes up, you're like, oh, yeah, I think it's going to be hard work or, oh, yeah, I don't want to be that person. Oh, yeah.

• 1:45:19Speaker 03

  Hi, high resistance. I get it. And I was able to overcome it in service of my bigger goal, which is basically feeling proud, feeling proud of contributing this, which I think is going to be helpful to founders. And also putting together my stories in a way that makes me feel proud and completing this project and this work, and again, hoping it contributes to people. That was going to make me proud. And so I saw the resistance for what it was, and I was able to move forward anyway.

• 1:45:53Tim Ferriss?

  Wow. Kudos to, to you and Michael, of course.

• 1:45:57Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:45:57Tim Ferriss?

  Taking you through the process. Immunity to Change is by Robert Kegan, K E G A N, subtitle, How to Overcome It and Unlock Potential in Yourself and Your Organization. So that's, that's also easy to find. And you know what your, what the exercise and your description of it reminded me of in terms of identifying the resistance and sort of a, well, it reminded me of two things. It reminded me of, I think it was John Dewey, who said, "A problem well stated is a problem half solved", something like that. But then it also reminded me of another famous thinker. And let's see if I can, let's see if I can do it justice. Like, "Name those your fear be before banish it you can."

• 1:46:42Tim Ferriss?

  That's Yoda.

• 1:46:45Tim Ferriss?

  You gotta name your fears. And

• 1:46:48Speaker 03

  Right.

• 1:46:48Tim Ferriss?

  In applying the name, oftentimes, not all the time, right? This isn't, like you said, this isn't intended to be magical thinking, but as soon as it is kind of put in the light, you're like, oh, okay. Now it's like this thing that is sitting in front of me that I can look squarely in the eye as opposed to this like bump in the middle of the night that is preventing me from sleeping. Okay.

• 1:47:10Speaker 03

  They sort of get reduced. They loom so large inside of you. And by the way, there's also some shame there. Like, I can't tell anybody. Shame also kind of looms large and we're able to get it on the table. It kind of neutralizes it and it whittles it down to size. It reduces it down to size.

• 1:47:27Tim Ferriss?

  So can you elaborate on the three sections in the book? So from startup to grown up, do you have a subtitle?

• 1:47:34Speaker 03

  Yes, it is Grow Your Leadership While Growing Your Business.

• 1:47:37Tim Ferriss?

  Hmm. Take it. I dig it. All right. And then the sections, managing you, managing them, managing the business. How do those further break down?

• 1:47:49Speaker 03

  You know, if I think about it, if I come in and approach a startup and I approach a founder, my, my first question is always like, what's going on around here?

• 1:47:55Tim Ferriss?

  And what the hell is going on around here?

• 1:47:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:48:00Speaker 03

  So I want to kind of get some perspective and context and it always comes down, you know, founders always start with me with something's wrong in the business, or we're not achieving our numbers, or I'm having these problems with my people, whatever they are. But it always comes down to you. It starts with you. And that really means you beginning to think about your self-awareness or 360 feedback that we talked about, but other self-awareness, getting to know your natural swing. Are you a natural communicator? Do you tend to clam up? Do you shut down in the face of stress? Or do you get, let's say overly passionate, explosive with your team? So it's about you kind of doing an inventory of your

• 1:48:40Tim Ferriss?

  overly passionate. That's a great way to put it.

• 1:48:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. And, and so it's like coming to terms with that, but it's also about recognizing back to what we talked about in terms of self-talk. It's about realizing that you as a founder are going to go through a lot of ups and downs in this journey, which you might think is going to take three years or five years, but it is not going to take three years or five years. That is like a mythical story. It's going to take a long time. You're devoting a lot of time to this. And how are you going to take care of yourself? How are you going to have the right regimens of nutrition and sleeping? How are you going to transform your self-talk when you have inevitable imposter syndrome? And like what's going on? So that's the first section. It's about you, you, you, you. And then, once you figure out you, then let's talk about them, the employee. So it's about hiring. It's about onboarding.

• 1:49:28Speaker 03

  It's about sadly firing, which does happen. It's about setting up the right systems inside of your company to help you scale. You can no longer do everything at some point, once you grow. So you've got to find the ways and the tools and the allies, the other employees who come on board. To help you figure out what are the structures that are right that can help you scale. One thing is delegation. Many founders have a lot of trouble delegating because it's like their baby. So it's about teaching you how to give away the core elements of your baby and trust that they can be done. And then ultimately using all of that to manage the business. And then I want to say a special, I realize that this may not be in the right section. Nonetheless, that's my book. And the two pieces that are also in the managing the company section, managing the

• 1:50:10Speaker 03

  business section are about managing your board, which people always have questions about, and also managing the special relationship known as your co-founder.

• 1:50:21Tim Ferriss?

  Yes, that marriage, including prenups and checklist questions. And I just want to mention some of yours, then I'd love to hear others that you had. The three that jumped out to me, because this is, I have invested in a lot of companies. I've advised a bunch of companies and not all marriages turn out to be picture perfect. You know, riding off into the sunset, there are lots of divorces. And so some of the questions that can help in advance so that you have some type of agreement, which could be called a disagreement, right? Because it's really to contend with situations that are problematic. What if one of us isn't scaling? How will we know and what will we do about it?

• 1:51:06Tim Ferriss?

  And these are your questions, just to give proper credit. You know, what will happen if we get into a massive disagreement that we can't resolve? How do we resolve it? And what are the kind of rules of engagement? What does success look like and how will we know? These are all so important because even if the company does well, let's take that as a case, the company is actually developing some degree of traction. Customers are paying and you have one founder who wants to get out at a certain price, a certain value. And then you have another who wants to get out at 100 times that value or 10 times that value or two times that value. That's a big problem. That could be a big problem. These are so, so, so important.

• 1:51:47Tim Ferriss?

  Are there any other prenup checklist questions or other questions that you think founders should pay particular attention to? And you have many, so to be fair, they're quite comprehensive, but any that perhaps people tend to neglect or omit?

• 1:52:02Speaker 03

  Definitely, what kind of company do you want to build? What's the culture of the company? What kinds of people do we want to hire? What are the important values we want to have inside of this company? Because when you don't come to terms with that, one co-founder is busy hiring for his group, a certain kind of person. And then the other co-founder is hiring for her group, a different kind of person. So ultimately, you're almost like hiring two companies. So coming to terms with the culture we're trying to build is super important. And I also think that, I want to go back to what you said about, when do we want to, as we say, exit? What do we want to do with this company? It's amazing to me how people just don't talk about that at the beginning of their relationship, their co-founder relationship.

• 1:52:47Speaker 03

  What they do is, and I understand this, they're so excited about building the company, but they assume they have the same music in their heads together, right? They assume they're on the same page with, let's say, building a massive business or building a manageable business, building a lifestyle business, whatever it is. And I just think it's so important to have these difficult conversations in advance because I promise you, they're going to rear their ugly heads at some point. And so having the conversation in advance may not even resolve anything, but at least it brings up topics. Also, getting used to having sort of difficult conversations or real talk conversations with your co-founder, I think, is the key to the whole thing. Whether or not you resolve anything, it's about getting in the habit of bringing up uncomfortable topics.

• 1:53:29Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, for sure. And an answer that isn't an answer, by the way, is, "We're going to build a 100-year company. Yeah, this is going to be huge. We're going to be giant publicly traded company." Okay, no, no, but let's talk about, in addition to that, what each person specifically hopes to achieve financially and otherwise. Because there will be opportunities, even if you're going to do that, there are going to be opportunities along the way. There will be seductions along the way. There will be offers along the way. And so it's really critical to have those conversations early. What do you hope the book to do? What would a home run look like for you?

• 1:54:06Speaker 03

  I hope that the book inspires founders to do more self-reflection, for sure. I hope it helps founders prevent avoidable mistakes. That's what I really am hoping. And also, by the way, new leaders. There's a lot of of material that's just kind of, if you're going from individual contributor to manager to leader, there's a lot of the same journey you go through. So I'm hoping that it helps people solve those problems before they become problems and give them language and tools and insights to help them on their journey, basically. I'd love to coach everybody. I hope this serves as like a beacon for some people.

• 1:54:44Tim Ferriss?

  I'm really excited about it. And also because I feel that entrepreneurship, however you define that, but this kind of undertaking to create something from nothing and things that often go along with that, let's just say, really good product sense, seeing a gap in the market, some of those things come very, very instinctively to people.

• 1:55:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:55:07Tim Ferriss?

  And they have good water feel. They just, out of the box, for whatever reason, they take to these types of things very easily. And they can then, on top of that, build a company, but it's really a company in name. It's a legal entity of some type. But leadership, in my experience, having observed, God knows, hundreds of entrepreneurs at this point, and having been really involved with a lot of them, is not instinctive. Leadership and management are not really instinctive. Some aspects of leadership, maybe, but really, there's a point where you need training. Even if you're a good swimmer out of the box, like, you're not going to end up in the Olympics

• 1:55:48Tim Ferriss?

  on accident. You're not going to end there deciding what you want to do based on how you feel every morning. And having a playbook that is informed by a lot of repetitions and also a spectrum of exposure like What you have in working with everyone from the startup names that people will recognize, Venmo, Etsy, et cetera, but also larger companies, the Dells, Hitachi's, Sony's, Googles, and Microsoft's of the world. There are principles that work and they're not all intuitive. In fact, a lot of them are quite counterintuitive. So I'm excited to see what the book does. So congratulations.

• 1:56:33Speaker 03

  Thank you, Tim. I do want to say, and I hate to be like this because I said I didn't want to be this kind of person, but I will say, the first line of my book is, "Leadership is an unnatural act."

• 1:56:45Tim Ferriss?

  No kidding.

• 1:56:46Speaker 03

  And it gets to, yeah, yeah, it gets to your point of, you know, this stuff has to be learned. Giving feedback has to be learned. Even having sort of uncomfortable conversations, most of us didn't grow up in a house where it was like we all learned to do this. And then even if we did, it just changes in the professional context. So I appreciate what you just said, and I appreciate your kind words.

• 1:57:09Tim Ferriss?

  My pleasure. I made it. So I have to ask, before we wrap up, I'll ask a few things.

• 1:57:15Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 1:57:16Tim Ferriss?

  Broadway shows, an investor in Broadway shows, I know nothing about Broadway. I've been to a few shows, really enjoyed it. I have very narrow investment experience. I invest in highly speculative, high-risk, early-stage tech companies. And I know how to do that on some level because people have shared their rules. Are there any resources or books for people who'd want to learn more about the economics and just the ecosystem of Broadway? And what comes to mind for me for the contemporary art world is a book, I think it's called The $12 Million Stuffed Shark, which was written by an economist who's familiar with the contemporary art world. There are a number of other books

• 1:58:00Tim Ferriss?

  like that for people who want to kind of peer into the black box and get a better understanding of how it actually works. Do you have any recommendations for how one might learn more about that?

• 1:58:12Speaker 03

  Well, I think meeting people is the best way to learn, but there is a book, I'm gonna butcher the names, you're gonna have to find it later. It's how to make a killing on Broadway? Or something like that?

• 1:58:23Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah.

• 1:58:24Speaker 03

  Yeah. And it's actually a very helpful book. There are a few other resources out there that I have to think about. But mostly, my best learning came from sitting down with a number of co-producers and just hearing about their experiences. And I think like everything, learning from other people's mistakes is like the best way to learn about anything, certainly about the world of Broadway. One thing I just want to say is that originally, people would send us a budget. So here's the capitalization of the show, here's much money we're gonna raise, here's the budget, and here's the break even analysis. And then as you, you know, luckily, I am a recovering CPA. So I can kind of dig into those numbers and say, do your assumptions make sense here? Why is this so expensive?

• 1:59:09Speaker 03

  Or why isn't this expensive? When you see enough shows and you do pattern recognition, you say, well, you should be allocating more money for this, what's going on? It helps you ask better questions. And I think that seeing a lot of deals, seeing a lot of packages is very helpful.

• 1:59:25Tim Ferriss?

  Yeah, that makes sense to me. That's true, certainly for the startup tech world as well. The book, I think, maybe you can confirm, is I Wanna Be a Producer, subtitle, How to Make a Killing on Broadway...

• 1:59:37Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:59:38Tim Ferriss?

  Or Get Killed by John Breglio?

• 1:59:40Speaker 03

  Yes, yes. Thanks, Tim, yes.

• 1:59:43Tim Ferriss?

  All right, found it. Okay, last few questions. And this one is sometimes a dead end, but I'll give it a shot and I'll take all the blame if it is. If you could put any quote, message, word, question, anything at all, non-commercial, on a billboard, metaphorically speaking, to get something out to everyone in the United States, for instance, apolitical, what might you put on that billboard?

• 2:00:12Speaker 03

  Okay. What comes to mind is, okay, it's two-sided, two-sided billboard. Believe in yourself is the first side. Then act like it is on the other side.

• 2:00:25Tim Ferriss?

  Act like you believe in yourself.

• 2:00:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, believe in yourself and then act like it.

• 2:00:31Tim Ferriss?

  Roger that. And people can find you everywhere, online. Do you have a preferred social that people should pay the most attention to across Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and so on? Do you have a preferred handle somewhere?

• 2:00:47Speaker 03

  Following me on LinkedIn is a good place to find me and certainly coming to my website, alisacohen.com.

• 2:00:54Tim Ferriss?

  Alisacohen.com, A-L-I-S-A-C-O-H-N.com. The new book is From Startup to Grown Up, a guidebook, also including scripts. I'm just going to hit that again, for entrepreneurs on the leadership journey from founder to CEO. Super excited about that. Is there anything else you would like to say, any closing comments, anything you'd like to add before we wrap up for today?

• 2:01:17Speaker 03

  Tim, two things. One is thank you for having me today. It's been really great to catch up with you and to talk to you in this conversation. I really appreciate it. And the second thing is just, I want to say thank you for all the work you've done over the years for sharing certainly world-class practices and tactics and also for your recent, I think, really courageous work and revelations about your trauma from childhood and also about your exposing this new world of psychedelic science. I know it's been helpful to a lot of people and I just really want you to know what a difference it's made.

• 2:01:49Tim Ferriss?

  Thank you, Alyssa. I really appreciate that and it's so nice to reconnect and we have much more to catch up on, which we'll do offline. So that's to be continued, but this has been so much fun. I'm really excited for you and the new book and for the ongoing career of K-Bell. For those who don't know, that's her stage name for her rap, as in kettlebell. And I'm really looking forward to watching this all unfold with this new chapter, pun intended, with From Startup to Grown Up. So thank you for taking the time today. And for everybody listening, Believe in Yourself and Then Act Like You Believe in Yourself, two-sided billboard.

• 2:02:35Tim Ferriss?

  And thank you for tuning in. You can find show notes, links to everything we have discussed at tim.blog/podcast. And until next time, thanks for listening.

• 2:02:50Speaker 03

  Hi, everyone. Tim asked me to give you guys a few scripts, so I'm going to share with you some of the ones leaders I coach find most useful. The founders and leaders I work with, they find scripts super helpful. When I walk them through how I would say something as we're talking, they scribble it down furiously and they ask me to repeat it. And it made me realize that people struggle with the actual words to say. So I began to develop scripts that people can use to handle delicate situations, difficult conversations, difficult situations. Now, remember, all of these scripts are just guides. You're going to have to tailor them to your own situation, but they should give you a running start. I'm going to give you a selection of scripts here. I created this set just for Tim's listeners. They're not

• 2:03:33Speaker 03

  in my book or on my website. There are a few categories for you based on what my clients have found the most helpful. First, I'm going to share a set of five feedback scripts that lead up to firing someone, since this is naturally a very difficult conversation and you need help for that. Next, I'll give you a script to help you get feedback in your job so you can get promoted. Then a few scripts about how to have great one-on-ones, including how to use your one-on-one to give career coaching to your employees, followed by how to tell someone you're bringing a new leader in to manage them. The last ones will be about my favorite topic, networking. And I'll give you some easy ways for you to network, including a script you can use to reach out to someone you've been out of touch with for a long

• 2:04:16Speaker 03

  time. Now, when I ask people, what's the most common script they wish they could have? The number one answer by far is how to fire someone, which I can totally understand since firing someone sucks. But you have to do it. Sometimes that's your job, sometimes as a manager. So I'm going to give you five feedback scripts here, ending with how to fire someone. And these are for founders. They're really for any leader or manager, or for anybody who is responsible for hiring people, working with them to help them to get their jobs right, doing coaching and feedback with them. And then ultimately, again, if the time comes, firing them if they have to. The one I'm going to start with is positive feedback script.

• 2:04:57Speaker 03

  That may surprise you, but this is the script that nobody asks for, but almost every manager needs. I'm starting with positive feedback because I think that people underestimate how really important it is to give your people positive feedback on a regular basis. We always talk about feedback as if it's negative, but actually, many managers have to learn the skill of making sure that they praise their people, they give them positive feedback on a regular basis. That helps motivate your employees, it helps them be more confident and take more risks, and ultimately, it builds up goodwill between you and your employee so that you can deliver a difficult message in the future if you need to, because they already have the experience of being complimented by you and being appreciated by you, so they know you're on their side.

• 2:05:42Speaker 03

  Now, I think what gets in the way for managers is, first of all, they're not thinking about it, and second of all, it can actually be a little uncomfortable, almost a little embarrassing for some people to give positive feedback, especially if they didn't grow up with their own positive feedback from other people. It's like the workplace version of "I love you." So, having a script will help you, and practice will help you too. So, first of all, what you need to do is find something to compliment. It doesn't have to be the Nobel Prize of activities that they do to make you realize that you can compliment them. Did they do a good job planning a meeting? Did they do a solid draft of a deck for you? Are they doing a great job getting up to speed on something? It can really be anything that you're really proactively noticing to give them positive feedback.

• 2:06:27Speaker 03

  So, next is be specific. Now, here are some examples, here are some specific scripts that you can take to just give quick positive feedback. "Bill, that spreadsheet you gave me was so clear and well-formatted. Well done."

• 2:06:42Speaker 03

  "Andrea, I know that your counterpart in marketing can sometimes be overly emotional. I really appreciate that you go the extra mile to maintain a productive relationship with him." Chris, I'm so impressed with how you handled yourself in that board meeting. Your presentation was excellent, really well structured, and you deescalated a tense moment which could have derailed us. Now, there's another spin on this, which is encouraging even when someone is struggling. Jennifer, I know you're behind on that project. I just want to make sure you're okay. I see how hard you're working, and I know some issues came up that none of us anticipated. It's super frustrating, but I appreciate you're hanging in there, and I know you'll solve the issues and get it behind you.

• 2:07:27Speaker 03

  It's really nice when you express confidence in someone's ability to solve problems, even when something's going wrong. Now, if you are like many leaders and managers, you know you need to give more positive feedback. I would suggest you literally put it on your calendar or make a spreadsheet to remind you to do this, because it's important for you to integrate that into your day-to-day and week-to-week, and I promise it'll make a massive difference to your employees and it'll increase their productivity and loyalty. Now, very often, it's great for you to give positive feedback and just leave it right there. Have them have the experience of just being praised. Then sometimes it's important to take the positive feedback and use it as a springboard to help them build a new skill or think about something differently. So I'm calling this one developmental feedback.

• 2:08:12Speaker 03

  This is not constructive criticism. That will come later. But when you think about development feedback, it has to do with somebody understanding what they're doing well and then what they can build on top of it to be even better. Most employees actually think this is good news. They understand they're doing well, and good employees always want to know how to improve. So when you set it up with positivity and then also be specific, you can create that bridge to you're doing great and then do more of this. So now here's a script you can use, and there are two examples. One is for a more junior employee. Chris, I love how you jump into all your projects so enthusiastically and move so fast in getting your work done. And your cheerful attitude towards everything is so

• 2:08:57Speaker 03

  refreshing, and it's even infectious. I'd love you to advance your game in this one area. When you complete a project, rather than just send it off, pause for a minute and think about how to make sure it's really finished. For example, sometimes when you send me a spreadsheet, there are some mistakes that I bet you would catch if you looked it over. Or when you send emails, I think they'd have more impact if you proofread them. Could I ask you to give your finished products a second look to try to catch errors before you send them off? Let's check in about this in a few weeks and see how it's going. Here's a script for a manager, someone a little more senior. "Tammy, you're doing a great job managing your team. They love you, and your whole

• 2:09:38Speaker 03

  group is getting more productive every month. I love the systems you've implemented. Now that you've gotten your arms around your team, I'd like you to prioritize building relationships and coordinating with your peers. We need to be synced up at the leadership level, and I have the impression that not everybody knows what your team is doing. So can I ask you to make sure you prioritize getting to know your peers better and sharing your goals with them and getting them to share theirs with you? Let's touch base next month to see how it's going. What help do you need from me?" Notice that the whole tone of this is positive. It's clear that you appreciate your employee. It's clear that you see what they're doing well, and it's clear the specific thing you're asking them to change or to fine tune. And then there's even a bit of a follow-up plan

• 2:10:23Speaker 03

  with a date. That is perfect, and the hope is that they're going to take that and run with it and continue to improve. If they don't take it and run with it and continue to improve, you then want to have the next conversation, which is the difficult feedback conversation. This actually is constructive criticism. The issue here is that often you've seen the same problems over and over with your executive or employee, and they need to make changes, and they haven't made these changes. That's when you really need to address them in a more specific and maybe intensive way. Here's a script for you to do that. Matthew, in the past month, you've made two major decisions that touched the product team and the marketing team without consulting them or even letting them know. You've missed the opportunity to get their feedback,

• 2:11:07Speaker 03

  which would be valuable, and their input, which is essential to the success of our project. And now I'm concerned that because they haven't been in the loop, they're not going to co-own the process with you. So it's going to be much harder for us to finish this project. We've talked about this before, and you told me that you'd make sure to get people's input before you made decisions. I need you to fix this one problem by going and talking to these folks right now. And then even more critically, I need you to operate differently from now on. You're not going to be successful, and we won't be successful as a business if you don't collaborate a lot more closely. I'd love to hear back from you by the end of the week about your plan to solve this once and for all. I'm here to help you if you need me, and I'm more than happy to talk through your plan,

• 2:11:52Speaker 03

  but I need you to take ownership of this issue and fix it. Here you've communicated to them the seriousness of the issue, the specific thing you want them to go and fix, and the timeline that you want to hear back from them. It's not just going to like fall off the radar, that you've actually agreed on a timeframe, they're going to come back and give you a plan. That's important to make forward motion. My suggestion to you is that you role-play this. I know you don't want to role-play it. Nobody wants to role-play. But I really encourage you to do that, because first of all, it's going to help you get your tone neutral, and that's going to possibly reduce defensiveness and set up actually a good dialogue after this conversation, which is important. And the second is that when you get a little nervous, it's hard to have your mouth around the words.

• 2:12:37Speaker 03

  And when you role-play it, it forces you to say the words out loud. Now, let's assume that you've had a couple of these conversations, and things have not improved. That is disappointing. But we have to get to the conversation before the firing conversation. You never want people to be surprised when they get fired. And you also want to tell yourself, "I did everything I could to help this person make changes, and I communicated to this person, and the person should not be surprised." So that's why it's important just for you and your own sanity, and also to give them a chance to make sure that you have the conversation before the firing conversation. Again, I really encourage you to role play this. It's hard to land, but it's super important. Also, they're going to be upset. This is an upsetting conversation.

• 2:13:22Speaker 03

  So be humane and be compassionate, but also be clear. The issue might be performance, or it might be leadership or cultural qualities. I'm going to give you two scripts. I'll start with performance. Camelia, we need to have a serious conversation. You and your team have consistently not met your goals or even come close. And as a result, we've had to move the new product launch twice at the last minute. I know things come up, but your job is to anticipate what those things are, manage your team to deal with them, and work with your peers to coordinate all of it. And I don't see you doing that. What I need you to do is immediately debrief with your team and your peers, pull together

• 2:14:03Speaker 03

  a launch schedule that will meet our business goals, and then make that date. If you can't do that within the next two months, I'm sorry to tell you I'm going to have to find a new leader to take your role, and we're going to have to part ways. I'm telling you this because I want you to know where I stand on this, and I want you to take it seriously. If there's anything you need from me to help you improve, let me know. I want to hear back from you by the end of the week about how you're approaching this. And here's your second version, related to leadership and culture. Matthew, we need to have a serious conversation. We've talked in the past about my concerns about your making unilateral decisions about areas that affect other areas of the business.

• 2:14:46Speaker 03

  Collaboration and transparency are super important values here, and if you keep making decisions in a vacuum, you aren't being collaborative or transparent. You're also not getting good ideas from others, you're surprising people, and you're not getting buy-in from the people that you need. You're also making people feel dismissed. It's not a sustainable way to work. I need you to know that if you can't fix this issue, we're going to have to part ways. I'm telling you this because I want you to know where I stand, and I want you to take it seriously. I need you to fix this immediately by mending fences with your peers and employees, and taking into account their input before key decisions. If there's anything you need from me to help you, let me know. I want to hear back from you by the end of the week about how you're approaching this,

• 2:15:30Speaker 03

  and I need to see improvement within 30 days. Now, this is definitely one you're going to want to role-play. And remember to stay even-keeled, and be ready for a discussion after this. I can't give you a script for an unscripted dialogue that's going to take place after you land this one. So in your role-play, think through how your employee might respond, and what you might say during the discussion that'll follow. When you prepare for what they say in response, and practice getting your mouth around the words of the script, it will make you feel much more confident. And then you can stay present and listening, and also continue to reiterate your intention clearly, which is that this is a serious problem, and your employee has to fix it. You've tried to work with them to help them improve.

• 2:16:15Speaker 03

  You've told them in no uncertain terms what you need them to do, and they haven't done it. And now it is time to have the conversation in which you fire them. So even though you've already discussed it with them, even though you've given them plenty of signals, they still may be surprised, because they didn't really think you were going to fire them. We all have a high capacity to deceive ourselves when we want to. Make sure you use decisive language, so there's no question, and that there's no sort of wiggling around it. And again, be humane. It sucks for you, but it's actually worse for them. So before you fire someone, think about your plan. Tell your board, or whoever your boss is, that you're going to fire this person, and why. Hopefully, you've already given them a heads-up about the issue.

• 2:17:00Speaker 03

  Tell your HR person, and have them help. Make sure you have a transition plan ready, and you have to think about the things like severance and termination agreement already lined up. And then after you do this, you tell the person's peers, the person's direct reports, then the rest of the company. So remember to be compassionate and also clear. And here is the script to fire somebody. Camellia, when we talked about six weeks ago, I told you I needed you to get your arms around the issues with your team and work with them and your peers to get the launch back on track to meet our business goals. So far, you still don't have a realistic date. Your team is not clear on what's going on, and neither are your peers. It's time to part ways.

• 2:17:43Speaker 03

  I know that's hard to hear, but that's my decision. Let me talk about the transition plan and the severance plan. So of course, after that, Camellia may want more of an explanation, and she may protest. But you know that you've had a whole bunch of feedback conversations with her and that she couldn't be completely surprised. You also know that specifically, you had the conversation before the firing conversation. So although this may still be difficult, you've gotten your words out. You've been clear on what's going to happen. And now it's just the details of sorting all that out. So I hope that was helpful. All the conversations leading up to having the firing conversation and then ultimately, the firing conversation. Let's move away from that, shall we?

• 2:18:27Speaker 03

  And move on to some different topics. I'm actually now going to put you on the other side of the feedback conversation. How you can get more feedback. Maybe you're not getting promoted, but nobody's telling you why. It's actually hard to get feedback at work. So I'm going to give you a sense, a script for how you can get more feedback from your manager to help you get promoted. But before you do this, do some prep work first. Look around your company. What kinds of people are getting promoted? What characteristics do they have? What sets them apart? So I would encourage you to do like an anthropological study. So you begin to get a sense of what's valued around your company. And then you can adapt your own behavior to what's valued. Now, once you've done that,

• 2:19:12Speaker 03

  you can definitely, and you should definitely, go and ask your manager for feedback. The reason you're not getting feedback is that people don't enjoy giving feedback. Ugh, they don't know how to. They're squeamish. They also don't know how you're going to react. So you might have to insist on this. And that way, you'll get useful feedback from your manager. Here's a script you can use. Suzanne, I've been thinking about my career. As you know, I want to be able to have more impact and I want to progress in my career. So it's important to me to know if I'm on track on getting promoted. Now, I've seen a few of my peers get promotions lately and I'd love to talk to you about my performance and what it'll take for me to get to the next step.

• 2:19:56Speaker 03

  Your manager might say, "You're doing great. Keep doing what you're doing." And then you can say, "I appreciate that. That's really nice to hear. But I realize that I need more guidance to help me get where I'm going. Do you have any suggestions for me?" Asking for suggestions can be easier for them to respond to than feedback. Then she might say, "I don't see you being proactive." Or, "You need to show up more as a leader." And that's annoying because what the heck does that mean? But don't say that. Say, "Thank you." Because you want them to give you feedback regularly and you've got to reward that behavior when you actually wrest something out of your bosses. So here's what you can say in response to that. "Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it.

• 2:20:42Speaker 03

  Would you mind if we spent a few minutes talking about what it would look like if I were showing up more as a leader? Are there behaviors you can point me to?" Then you might find out that you may seem dismissive of your peers if they can't keep up, which is not good. Or you might find out that you don't proactively coach more junior employees, so you're not showing up as a leader. Now, you may not agree with that, but at least now you know what's in your boss's mind's eye. You've got to listen to what she says, ask questions in a neutral tone of voice, and overall, make it a positive experience for whoever's giving you this feedback. That way, they'll give you more feedback and then you'll have a better sense of how you're showing up and what you need to do to get that promotion.

• 2:21:28Speaker 03

  At the end of the conversation, ask if you can check in in about a month and then make sure you do that. So if you'll be consistent and be pleasant to deal with, you're much more likely to get the feedback that you need to get ahead.

• 2:21:43Speaker 03

  Now, let's go back to you and your role as a leader, and we can talk about one-on-ones. One-on-ones are a foundation of how you can build the right relationship with your employees, and also, it's a way for you to hear what's going on with them. So here's a script you can use to either set or reset expectations for your employees. If this is the first time you're doing one-on-ones, you could set the expectations. But if you've been doing them for a while a different way, then you can use this conversation and you can just adapt it to reset the expectations. Donnie, I wanted to give you a sense of how I view one-on-ones, and also to get your take. I think of our one-on-ones as mostly your meeting. Whatever you want to bring up is definitely on point. Let's not just do status updates. If you have questions about what's going on in the company,

• 2:22:28Speaker 03

  if you have a great idea you want to share, or if there's something you want my advice on, bring them up here. We can also talk about your career path. I'm sure I'll have things on my mind, and let's check in every once in a while to make sure they're working for both of us, okay? Then, when you do your one-on-ones, ask your employee to prepare by thinking about the topics that they'd like to discuss. Now, they may not do this very well at first, but that's okay. They'll learn. If you stick with it, you'll both get the hang of this, and you'll adapt your one-on-ones to be more satisfying for both of you. Here are some questions you can ask your employees so that you can have a deeper conversation about work in your one-on-one. What do you like best?

• 2:23:11Speaker 03

  And what do you dislike the most about your job? Where do you see yourself going in your career? And how can I help you get there? Do you know where we're headed, big picture, as a company? And do you have any questions about it? Do you know what your top priorities are? Are you having any problems working things out with any coworker? And do you need my help? What suggestions do you have for me? These are great questions to start you off. Remember that you don't have to solve all of their problems. In fact, a really good role for you of this one-on-one is for you to coach them, to help them solve their own problems. Also, it's just get a handle on what's going on with your employees.

• 2:23:54Speaker 03

  And also certainly if they have specific asks of you, this is a good moment for them to tell you so that you can help them in the way that they want help. You can also use your one-on-one for career coaching, and I absolutely encourage you to do this. So a few times a year, make sure your employee notices in advance that you're going to do this career coaching. Remember that your job is to coach and support, not to do all the work for them. You can tell them straight up that you think it's a good idea to do career coaching now and again. And here's a script that you can use to introduce this topic. "I think it's a good idea to sit down regularly and talk about your career development. Let's do that a few times a year so I know what you want to do and I can help you achieve those goals."

• 2:24:35Speaker 03

  First of all, you just get a ton of points as a manager, just even bringing that up, because most employees do not have the experience of having their managers come and proactively talk about their careers. Now, again, all you have to do is ask them questions and then be supportive and help them problem solve to get where they're going. Here are some questions you can ask. "Do you have a sense of where you'd like to go in your career in the next few steps? By the way, it's okay if they don't, but I would encourage you to keep asking them to help make sure they're pointed in the right direction." "What parts of your job right now do you like the most? And what do you like the least? What kinds of training or experiences will help you move in the direction you're interested in?

• 2:25:20Speaker 03

  If you don't know, how should we find out? Is there anyone inside or outside the company you think you could learn a lot from and want to spend more time with? What would you specifically like to commit to so that you can make sure that you're moving forward on your career growth? And how can I help you?"

• 2:25:39Speaker 03

  Then you can close this discussion by saying, "I'm here to help you with your career growth and of course, to help you do a great job at your job. If you ever want to discuss these topics with me, just come to me. You don't have to wait until I initiate them. If you ever think we need to discuss this more, please just tell me. Don't wait for me to figure it out for myself." So that puts the responsibility on your employee, not just you, the manager. So it's really a joint responsibility to have these conversations, but your employee can feel free to take ownership. Here's another one-on-one that's not so fun, but it's really important to be able to tell employees this. How to tell someone you're bringing in a manager on top of them? We often call it layering because it's about putting a layer of management on top of your employees.

• 2:26:23Speaker 03

  It's actually very common in the startup world because what happens is the company is successful, which is great. And what that means is you need to bring in more seasoned executives to help manage the company at the new scale. So it's great news, but employees really don't like this. They see it as unfair because they've been there for so long and they're not getting the opportunity. And they might even see it as a demotion. It's not a demotion. It's actually, again, good news, not bad news, but not to them. So you have to help them understand it and you have to be transparent about it. So here's a script to address it. "Elena, I'm making some changes and I want to discuss them with you. You've done a tremendous job bringing your department to where it is now.

• 2:27:07Speaker 03

  What you've accomplished has been amazing and we literally could not have gotten where we are without you. Because of your hard work and everybody else's hard work, we're hitting our milestones and we're growing. And that's awesome. To help us get to the next level, I'm going to be bringing in some seasoned leaders who have scaled companies like ours before. They'll have the experience and the context to bring us to the next level. What that means for you is that I'll be bringing an executive in to run your department and you'll report to this new person. I want you to know I'll be looking for the right leader who will also mentor you and help build your skills and your career so that you can continue to grow. If you want to talk about this, I'm happy to discuss it. I want you to be happy, but I also want you to know this is what I've decided to do."

• 2:27:52Speaker 03

  Now, as I said, many employees are not going to like this, but it's one of the tough decisions that you have to make as a CEO or as any leader.

• 2:28:01Speaker 03

  And in fact, I'm sure it's the right decision because you're looking at the business, you're assessing what the business needs, and you're making decisions based on what the business needs. Some employees might leave. Now, most will stay. And if you tell them straight up your plan, they'll appreciate that you're being honest. It is definitely important to bring in a great leader. And if people see they can learn a lot from the new executive, that will reinforce your decision, and they'll ultimately be happy with their role and the overall success of the company.

• 2:28:33Speaker 03

  I'm going to end this with one of my favorite topics, networking. I was inspired a long time ago by a book called Dig Your Well Before You're Thirsty by Harvey McKay, and more recently by the book Super Connect by Richard Koch and Greg Lockwood. The point of these books is to understand the power of building and nourishing a network and doing this before you actually need anything.

• 2:28:54Speaker 03

  Your network is important because through your network, you can get the best job opportunities, the best advice, and frankly, it's just fun to have interesting people in your life and you get them through your network. Keep in touch with your network and give first. When you think about how you can add value to the people around you, you build up a tribe, and they'll be willing to help you when you need it. So I'm going to give you a few super simple networking scripts and also suggestions. The first suggestion is to keep in touch with your old friends and colleagues. Now, that can be hard to do, especially when we're all busy. So the best way to handle this is to keep a spreadsheet or a list of people who are important to you personally and professionally.

• 2:29:35Speaker 03

  You can list out 10 people, or you can list out 50 people, or 100, whatever feels manageable for you. And then regularly scan your environment for opportunities to be in touch with them. So an example is you might see on LinkedIn that one of your contacts got promoted, or just wrote a book, or changed jobs, or got courted in some newspaper, or whatever. This doesn't have to be their biggest achievement ever. You could just write a quick note of congratulations. In my network, I recently read that one of the Broadway producers that I know got named to a prestigious committee. So I sent him a note, and I said, "Hi, Brian. I just saw that you got named to the XYZ committee. Congratulations. They're lucky to have you. I hope everything else in your world is also going great." That's it. It took 20 seconds.

• 2:30:21Speaker 03

  He wrote back to me in 30 minutes, and he was so happy to hear from me because people love being congratulated and acknowledged for an honor. So be on the lookout for that. You might also see an article or a book that would interest them, or come across a memory of some sort. I have a former client who's embarking on a sabbatical, and I recently saw an article about things to do on your sabbatical. I sent her a quick email. Hi Kayla, I saw this article and I thought it might help you as you start your sabbatical. Let me know if you'd like to brainstorm how to get the most out of your downtime and also enjoy it. Hope it's starting off great. Again, 20 seconds, super easy. Offering to help is a great way to cultivate your network. As you communicate with people or see them on social media, you'll get a sense of what's going on with them.

• 2:31:06Speaker 03

  Maybe they're moving and you might know people in their new city. Maybe their kid is looking for an internship and you know of a good program for her. You can just send a quick note offering to help. I'll give you an example. Sam, the son of a friend of mine, was trying to transition out of being a lawyer and looking for a job in the startup world. I happen to know the founder of a startup who was building a legal platform. It was very quick and very simple to write her a note that said, "Hi Mandy, looks like your company is doing great. I know someone who's trying to transition from being a lawyer into the startup world. He's super smart, proactive, and can juggle multiple balls, and obviously he knows all about the legal profession. Do you want an intro?" She said yes, I connected them, and then she hired him.

• 2:31:51Speaker 03

  And they both thanked me. It felt great. That's a moment that reminds me how fruitful networking is and how satisfying it is. Remember to dig your well before you're thirsty and stay in touch with key people. But if you do need a favor from someone you haven't talked to in a while, just reach out, be warm, and be direct. Don't pretend that you were just thinking about them. They're gonna find out that you actually need something. So just be honest and upfront and give them an out to say no. Here's an email you can write to someone you know whom you've lost touch with. "Hi Brian, I hope you've been well. I saw on LinkedIn that you moved to Denver. I'm sure it's wonderful for you to be there since I know you always love to ski."

• 2:32:36Speaker 03

  I'm sorry we've lost touch over the years. I'd love to get reconnected anyway and hear how you're doing. The reason, though, that I'm reaching out right now is that I have a specific ask. I'm looking for a new job in marketing and your company is on my dream list. I'm wondering if you'd consider connecting me to some of the folks in your marketing department, not to ask them for a job, but just to begin to get to know some people there. If it's not a good time, I totally understand and no worries at all. Either way, it would be great to get in touch. Then send it. And don't think about it. They'll either write back or they won't. Either way, let it inspire you to stay in touch with your network consistently. So that's it. I hope that you find this material as helpful as my clients do.

• 2:33:21Speaker 03

  And I absolutely hope that you take one or two things away from this Scripps Masterclass and practice them so that you can gain real dexterity and real mastery over the way you can handle sensitive topics and sensitive conversations and be able to say the right thing to the right people at the right time. Feel free to reach out to me through my website, alyssakone.com, and I'd love to hear how you use this material and what difference it made for you. Thank you.

• 2:33:52Tim Ferriss?

  Hey, guys. This is Tim again. Just a few more things before you take off. Number one, this is Five Bullet Friday. Do you want to get a short email from me? Would you enjoy getting a short email from me every Friday? That provides a little morsel of fun before the weekend. And Five Bullet Friday is a very short email where I share the coolest things I've found or that I've been pondering over the week. That could include favorite new albums that I've discovered. It could include gizmos and gadgets and all sorts of weird shit that I've somehow dug up in the world of the esoteric, as I do. It could include favorite articles that I've read and that I've shared with my close friends, for instance. And it's very short.

• 2:34:34Tim Ferriss?

  It's just a little tiny bite of goodness before you head off for the weekend. So if you want to receive that, check it out. Just go to fourhourworkweek.com. That's fourhourworkweek.com, all spelled out. And just drop in your email and you will get the very next one. And if you sign up, I hope you enjoy it. This episode is brought to you by Allform. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you've probably heard me talk about Helix Sleep and their mattresses, which I've been using since 2017. I have two of them upstairs from where I'm sitting at this moment. And now Helix has gone beyond the bedroom and started making sofas. They just launched a new company called Allform, A-L-L-F-O-R-M, and they're making premium customizable sofas and chairs shipped right to your door

• 2:35:17Tim Ferriss?

  at a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. So I'm sitting in my living room right now, and it's entirely Allform furniture. I've got two chairs, I've got an ottoman, and I have an L-sectional couch. I'll come back to that. You can pick your fabric. They're all spill, stain, and scratch resistant. They soak the color, the color of the legs, the size, the shape to make sure it's perfect for you and your home. Also, Allform arrives in just three to seven days, and you can assemble it all yourself in a few minutes. No tools needed. I was quite astonished by how modular and easy these things fit together, kind of like Lego pieces. They've got armchairs, love seats, all the way up to an eight-seat sectional, so there's something for everyone. You can also start small and kind of build on top of it if you wanted to get a smaller couch and then build out on it, which is actually, in a way, what I did,

• 2:36:02Tim Ferriss?

  because I can turn my L-sectional couch into a normal straight couch and then with a separate ottoman in a matter of about 60 seconds. It's pretty rad. So I mentioned I have all of these different things in this room. I use the natural light finish, which is their lightest color, and I dig it. And I've been using these things hours and hours and hours every single day. So I am using what I am sharing with you guys. And if getting a sofa without trying it in-store sounds risky, you don't need to worry. Allform sofas are delivered directly to your home with fast-fruit shipping, and you get 100 days to decide if you want to keep it. That's more than three months. And if you don't love it, they'll pick it up for free and give you a full refund. Your sofa frame also has a forever warranty. That's literally forever. So check it out. Take a look.

• 2:36:46Tim Ferriss?

  They've got all sorts of cool stuff to choose from. I was skeptical, and it actually worked. It worked much better than I could have imagined, and I'm very, very happy. So to find your perfect sofa, check out allform.com/tim. That's A-L-L-F-O-R-M dot com slash tim. Allform is offering 20% off all orders to you, my dear listeners, at allform.com/tim. Make sure to use the code TIM at checkout. That's allform.com/tim and use code TIM at checkout.

• 2:37:15Tim Ferriss?

  This episode is brought to you by Kettle and Fire. Do love me, my kettle and fire. I believe I first heard about Kettle and Fire when it was originally recommended to me by one of your favorites, fan favorite podcast guest and Ketogenesis expert, among many other things, Dr. Dominic De Agostino. So, what is Kettle and Fire? Kettle and Fire offers premium bone broth made with bones from 100% grass-fed and grass-finished cows and organic free-range chickens. They combine bones with organic herbs and vegetables and filtered water and steamed kettles. Then, the mixture is slow simmered for 14-plus hours at 130 degrees Fahrenheit to ensure that as many nutrients, collagen, and amino acids as possible are able to soak into the broth.

• 2:37:57Tim Ferriss?

  And all that goodness is fantastic for supporting your gut health, immune system, weight loss, your fasting regimen, whatever it might be. And they make it extremely convenient. Just heat and eat. Five minutes on the stove top or one minute in the microwave. It's great as a snack. You can also sip it straight out of a mug, or honestly, sometimes I just sip it right out of the box. You can also add it as a flavor to recipes. And they sent me some eye-popping stats. It's pretty amazing. 24 million-plus cartons sold, 25,000-plus five-star reviews on Amazon and their own website, two-year shelf life, and zero preservatives, added flavors, antibiotics, hormones, or colorants. And all of their broths are paleo, keto-friendly, and Whole30-approved.

• 2:38:40Tim Ferriss?

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