3 Scientific Reasons Why We Lose The Spark and 3 Ways To Get It Back

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. Today, I am going to share with you the reason that ultimately leads to losing that spark that was initially there at the start of the relationship. Although chemistry is important, for many, especially for relationships that didn’t last, it is not sustainable. And it does not provide a strong enough bond to keep the relationship going. Let’s find out what these scientific reasons are and the tips to turn things around to help improve and sustain the partnership you have right now. Key Takeaways: 00:00:00 Intro 00:03:12 Why do we lose the spark in our relationship? 00:04:27 We are addicted to having chemistry 00:07:40 Why the ‘bad boys’ seem more attractive 00:11:09 Reason #1: Transition from chemistry to character 00:15:53 Reason #2: From being a collaboration to a competition 00:23:10 Reason #3: Your partner will push you and challenge you Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. Men tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad of characteristics more often. Now, I know everyone's like, ooh, what's the dark triad? So, the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme focus on their own interests over others. These traits don't sound at all attractive, right? I mean, you're not going, that's what I want, but are you?

• 3:42Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, where you come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Imagine we lived in a world that was happier, healthier, and more healed. I think that it would have such a huge impact on our lives, our emotions, the lives and emotions of future generations. And On Purpose is your commitment to making that happen. So, thank you for being here. Thank you for all the love on the Lewis Hamilton episode, on the Kevin Hart episode that we just had. For those of you that heard me on Call Her Daddy, thank you so much for all the Instagram DMs, the tags, the tweets.

• 4:26Jay Shetty?

  It has been an unbelievable couple of weeks because my book, if you're listening to this right now, my book is out in four days. I would love for you to order it right now because if you preorder it before the thirty first of January, you get my Eight Clichés of Love workshop absolutely free. I want you to go grab that right now. And it really supports authors when you preorder. So go to eightrulesoflove.com. You can do the audiobook. So if you want to listen to the book instead of read it, you can also order the audiobook. I read it as well. And I know a lot of you last time for Think Like a Monk read and listened at the same time.

• 5:08Jay Shetty?

  And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, Love Rules. Go to jayshettytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to see you this year. Now today's episode is something I think that's so, so important and I'm hearing about it more and more because I think we underestimate the impact that the last few years have had on our relationships. We underestimate the impact that it's had on us, whether we're in a relationship or whether we're single. And for a lot of us, our relationship status changed during the pandemic.

• 5:52Jay Shetty?

  Some people got into new relationships or were just starting. Some people actually broke up from even long-term relationships. And then there's all of us who may feel social anxiety now, being out in public, meeting new people. And so I want to start addressing these issues and these challenges because I know they're very real. And often as society, we like to gloss over them and move on, but then we don't feel seen, heard and understood. And so today I want to talk about reasons why we lose the spark in relationships and how to get it back. Raise your hand if you've ever lost the spark in a relationship. And by the way, this episode is for you whether you're in a relationship or not.

• 6:36Jay Shetty?

  Because I promise you, you're gonna bump into someone, you're gonna find that spark, you're gonna feel that chemistry, and then you're gonna be feeling this way in six months' time. It's actually biologically, chemically going to happen. I'll explain in this episode, and I want you to stick around for that. But raise your hands if you've ever lost a spark in a relationship. I think every single one of us can attest to that. And today, I'm gonna talk about the reasons why that happens. And I think some of them are actually going to surprise you. And then I'm also going to share with you methods that I've used, that I and Radhi have used, and that research shows will actually work. Whether you're in a relationship, whether you just started dating,

• 7:18Jay Shetty?

  whether you're single or you just broke up, please do listen to this, because it may even answer your questions. If you're someone who just broke up, or the relationship just ended, this may actually answer a lot of questions, especially if you didn't get closure. All right, so let's dive straight in. We are fascinated and addicted to this idea of chemistry. The amount of times I hear, "So, we went on a couple of dates, but I didn't feel any spark." Or, "I'm not going on a second date because I didn't feel any chemistry." Or, "We've been seeing each other, but you know, there isn't that feeling. I don't get the butterflies," right? We've all heard this, we've all said this. And it's true, we want to feel chemistry with the person

• 8:03Jay Shetty?

  we potentially could spend our lives with. There's nothing wrong with that, and I don't want to say there's anything wrong with that. I think it's normal, it's natural. When I first met Radhi, I felt tons of chemistry. And even today, I feel it in a different way. And it's something that I don't think should be underestimated, but also sometimes it's overrated, right? It's that balance between underestimated or underrated and overrated that we need to get right. And so, so many of us sometimes overrate this chemistry idea, and we underrate the character idea. Chemistry starts relationships, character continues relationships.

• 8:52Jay Shetty?

  Let me repeat that again. Chemistry starts relationships. Character continues and keeps relationships. And I think this idea that someone's character and your character is really shown by when you're stressed, when you're tired, when you're exhausted. And that's what happens as a relationship progresses. When you're seeing each other in the beginning, the reason why there's so much chemistry is you only see each other one hour a day or two hours a week or two hours every two weeks. So whatever it may be for a day every month. And in that time, you're not really seeing a three sixty degree view of this person. You're seeing a forty five degree view or less of an individual. We're so much more complex.

• 9:37Jay Shetty?

  We have so much more going on. And our character traits, such as our interests and our values, are more of the nurture part of who we are and come from the cultural forces that surround us as we grow up. So what I would say is that in any relationship, we have to evolve from chemistry to character if we really want the relationship to progress. And I think too many of us keep placing too much emphasis on chemistry for too long. It's kind of like saying, I really enjoy driving in gear five. And so even when I'm going up a hill, I'm going to try and drive up in gear five. Right? I just want that feeling. I just want to hear the sound of the car.

• 10:22Jay Shetty?

  I just want to feel that experience. Now, some of you may have actually tried to do this. If you've ever tried to drive a car in gear five. And now everyone's like, what's gears, Jay? We just have automatic cars or electric cars. Very true. I get it. But I remember driving a manual car. And the idea of just driving a manual car up a hill in gear five just doesn't make any sense. But that's what we're trying to do in relationships. I will come back to you with a better analogy that is more relevant right now. But we will get there. I also want to talk about, I want to highlight a particular experience where this happens. So this happens in many different ways. How we overrate chemistry and underrate character. But I want to give a very specific example and a

• 11:02Jay Shetty?

  Study on this and it's all about the bad boy and biology or the biology of the bad boy. Now, how many of you have ever been attracted to the bad guy, right? The bad boy, how many of you have ever been? Be honest, be honest, do not be ashamed, do not feel embarrassed, right? And how many of you have ever been attracted to the bad person or the bad girl? Like someone who kind of is a rebel, kind of has that edge, right? Super attractive and certainly there are bad boys and bad girls out there. Uh, and the bad boy type is far more common because men tend to demonstrate what psychologists call the dark triad of characteristics more often.

• 11:45Jay Shetty?

  Now, I know everyone's like, ooh, what's the dark triad? So the dark triad of characteristics are narcissism, psychopathy, and this last one is the manipulativeness and an extreme focus on their own interests over others. Now, when we look at them clinically, these traits don't sound at all attractive, right? I mean, you're not going, that's what I want, but are you? When we look at that clinically, even though it doesn't seem attractive, in the real world, they can be quite alluring. Now Gregory Lewis Carter of the University of Durham and his team gave one hundred and twenty eight undergraduate women descriptions of two types of men.

• 12:27Jay Shetty?

  What we'd call regular guys who served as the controls for the study and bad boys. The bad boys were described using traits from an inventory of characteristics typically associated with narcissism, such as a desire for attention and admiration, a lack of remorse or sensitivity, lack of concern with moral standards and cynicism. The researchers then asked the women to rate the attractiveness of the men based on these descriptions. And you guessed it, bad boys came out on top. The researchers concluded that two issues may be at play in the women's choices. For one, biology.

• 13:08Jay Shetty?

  The bad boys had traits that women could have interpreted would make them stronger genetically and therefore better mates for reproducing. But on a more everyday level, it could have been down to the bad boys' ability to sell themselves. Remember, among the dark triad are characteristics of manipulation and ability to represent themselves favorably. So the reason why I'm sharing that with you and why we lose the spark is because we're attracted to the wrong person in the first place, right? So what ends up happening is we get attracted to the wrong person. We then start to see the reality of that individual. And after we see the reality, we have to readjust. And I want to break down those three steps, right?

• 13:53Jay Shetty?

  It's natural to make the wrong decision, to be attracted to the wrong thing, then see reality. And the biggest mistake we do is often it's glaringly obvious that this person is obviously wrong for us and we keep trying to readjust to stay. The best thing we can do in that moment, when we've really learned about the reality and if it's fully that extreme, is to move on. So the first lesson of today, or the first reason, is this idea of how we have to transition from chemistry to character, right? Chemistry to character is one of the biggest reasons why relationships end.

• 14:33Jay Shetty?

  Now, I want to talk to you about how this changes biologically, right? So let's dive into a study about love at first sight. According to a study in the Journal for the International Association for Relationship Research, that's a mouthful. Participants who reported having had love at first sight experience were also more likely to emphasize the importance of physical attractiveness over concepts associated with true love, such as intimacy and commitment. Notice how we're constantly led astray. Now, Studies show that when we're younger, our prefrontal cortex is less developed. So we're more likely to follow our feelings as opposed to reasoning and self-control.

• 15:17Jay Shetty?

  That's why, actually, which is so fascinating. Don't you feel like you felt more chemistry when you were younger? Like, don't you feel you just felt more naturally attracted to people when you were younger? Even when you didn't go on a date? Whereas now, as an adult, you go on so many dates and you don't feel anything. And the reason is because now your brain is developed and your reasoning and your self-control is so high that you're actually able to be more discerning. Now, the reason why I'm talking about this is that, as the researchers wrote, we therefore suggest that love at first sight is not a distinct form of love, but rather a strong initial attraction that some label as love at first sight, either in the moment or retrospectively.

• 16:02Jay Shetty?

  Now, when I talk about me and Radhi, it was definitely attraction at first sight. Radhi did not care. If you ask Radhi, she'll say, yeah, I didn't even notice him. I noticed her for sure, right? Just to clarify how deceiving it can be. Now, hedonic adaptation is a psychological concept that describes why, for instance, studies show that while happiness spikes in the first two years of marriage, this could be a two years of living together, then returns to prior levels. Researchers call this early stage of love passionate love. Over time, if love lasts, it tends to morph into something still beautiful,

• 16:41Jay Shetty?

  but less charged by the exciting and sometimes stressful dopamine spikes that accompany newness. Now, this is really interesting. When something's new, you experience stress and excitement at the same time. So the excitement is, they gave me their number. The stress is, will they text me? The excitement is, oh my gosh, we're going on our first date. The stress is, do they like me? Right? So you're going through this pendulum of excitement and stress, excitement and stress, excitement and stress. And that's what makes you feel like you have a spark biologically, chemically. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business.

• 17:25Jay Shetty?

  If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 18:11Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup, and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision-making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life.

• 18:55Jay Shetty?

  State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 19:19Jay Shetty?

  Now, over time, if love lasts, it tends to morph into something still beautiful, but less charged by that excitement and stress. This later state is called compassionate love, and is characterized by deep connection. So when something becomes routine or consistently available, it naturally loses its spark, right? When you had to kind of guess when you're gonna see someone, when you're gonna surprise each other, naturally that is spark. Now, though our brains can and do adapt to anything that's routine, arousal and physical passion tended to be affected more. When these things fade, much of love's heavy lifting is done by our deeper attraction, that of our character and values,

• 20:03Jay Shetty?

  and how well they're suited to one another. If we never looked beyond the spark, when the initial chemistry begins to fade, the relationship fizzles, right? So I wanna keep emphasizing the power of goals, values, a deeper understanding of the human being. And by the way, if reality surprised you and you don't want reality, that is absolutely fine too. You don't have to keep putting yourself in a position you don't wanna be in. So that's a big reason, right? That's a really, really big reason as to why the spark goes away, because we've talked about the idea that, you know, we're attracted to the wrong thing in the first place. We're not switching from chemistry to character, and if we don't,

• 20:48Jay Shetty?

  the chemistry, you have to understand, that's biology, it's literally changing, right? Our hormones are changing. The chemicals that are released are changing as you spend more time. You become more comfortable with them. You become more natural with them. Now, this one's a really, really big one, this next one, I think it's something that, again, we don't talk about enough. I find that it's fascinating that at the beginning of a relationship, you want to win the other person over, but then fast-forward into the relationship, you want them to lose in an argument, right? You spend the whole first few months trying to win the other person over, and now, all you wanna do

• 21:32Jay Shetty?

  is beat them in an argument. Notice how you went from winning them over to wanting them to lose. Now, that's the challenge, that the relationship now goes from being a collaboration to a competition.

• 21:47Jay Shetty?

  Right? It goes from being a collaboration to a competition. And that's where relationships starts to disintegrate. It starts to break down. It starts to fall apart. So this is fascinating to me because you went from having a collaborative, exciting, chemistry-based, compatible connection. And now, all of a sudden, it became a competition, right? It became a competition. And listen to this. Author Anne Leary met her husband when she was 20 and he was 25. They were perfect together. They had similar attributes and psychological makeup. They were both intensely competitive, both emotional and sensitive. They loved kids and animals. They even looked similar to one another.

• 22:32Jay Shetty?

  But as Leary writes, when the couple had kids, their matching attitudes and temperaments started to cause problems. They began to keep score, noting who each thought was doing more to contribute to the family and who was being more critical and self-serving. After years of this, they sought therapy. But one evening, while sitting in the marriage counselor's office, they simply agreed it just wasn't going to work and they should get a divorce. On the way home, they stopped for a bite to eat, during which Anne decided to finally tell her husband everything she'd been holding back. Every time he'd failed in her eyes or let her down.

• 23:15Jay Shetty?

  To her surprise, instead of pushing back and arguing, he apologized. Shocked at his response, Anne softened, then confessed everything she was sorry for too. Instead of discussing the divorce, they called their apartment and asked their kids if they wanted to see a movie together as a family. They never did file for divorce and instead learned to shift the dynamics of their relationship. Their competition is now more of a friendly rivalry. And instead of being critical, they've learned to celebrate one another's success. Now, notice how those two trajectories, right? You're going down this road of chemistry. Hopefully, you find compatibility and then you have this split point. You either choose competition or you choose connection.

• 23:59Jay Shetty?

  Competition leads to complaining, criticism, comparison. And you know, connection leads to all the great stuff that we're really looking for. And so everyone's at that fork in their relationship always, right? And you have to decide whether you're choosing to compete with this person or you're choosing to compete on who can love each other more deeply. And so that's another reason why relationships fizzled out is that we choose competition over collaboration. We choose competition over connection. We choose comparison over care and compassion. And I think if we can really think about our life as we're always choosing between those two. When you're next in an argument, ask yourself, am I competing with the person I tried to win over?

• 24:43Jay Shetty?

  Because that doesn't make any sense. Or do I want to collaborate with them? Literally ask yourself that question. So I hope this is really being illuminating for you. And I want to talk to you about where we can go right, how we can improve this, right? For ourselves, like what are some of the things that we can do? So I looked at some research as to what makes a marriage good after the honeymoon. And this applies to what makes a relationship good after the honeymoon phase. And to answer this question, anthropologist Helen Fisher did some great research. The team found a group of unicorns, not real unicorns, but people who'd been married for an average of 21.4 years and reported they were still very much in love.

• 25:27Jay Shetty?

  They scanned their brains while these people looked at pictures of a familiar acquaintance, a close long-term friend, an acquaintance with whom they were less familiar, and their partner. Unlike when they looked at photos of others, when they looked at pictures of their partners, they showed activities in areas of the brain that are associated with all three of our basic human drives. The sex drive, our drive for romantic passion, yes, that's an actual drive, and our drive to feel attachment. Now, attachment, what researchers call liking, can form the basis for a happy, long-term relationships. It's almost that idea of like, you say you love someone, but do you like them? I had someone say this to me. I was officiating a wedding a couple of years ago. And this person came up to me and they said,

• 26:12Jay Shetty?

  Jay, I broke up with someone because we realized we loved each other, but we didn't like each other. And I thought that was such a fascinating statement because you think love encompasses everything, but liking someone means you actually like being around them. Love means you care about them. You may have deep feelings towards them, but you don't like them. You don't get along with them. So when the researchers compared the results to brain activity in those who are experiencing early-stage love, the newly-in-love showed activity pretty much entirely in wanting areas associated with dopamine-fueled passionate love. So you can see it's very, very different. The researchers said, for some, when they look at their partner,

• 26:55Jay Shetty?

  it looks almost as if their brain is on fire. And in a way, it is. We can still experience intense love many years into marriage, but in these later years, what fuels love changes. You can think one of the early-stage of relationship and all of that initial passion like gasoline. It will burn hot and fast when it ignites, but it's not sustainable. When we connect on a deeper level, when we listen fully to one another, when we hold hands or share long hugs, we're putting wood on the fire. And over time, we get the enduring warmth of a long-lasting relationship. And what we understand from the Gottman Institute is that rather than creating a climate of disagreement and resistance,

• 27:38Jay Shetty?

  couples embrace each other's needs. Right? It's the idea of, do I make my partner feel seen, heard, and understood? And do I feel seen, heard, and understood? And are we making enough time to feel seen, heard, and understood? And I think too many people, we feel that I already heard my partner. I've already seen them. I already know them, right? There's this assumption of, I've already figured them out. I already fully understand them. And that actually blocks us. And that's why the spark goes away. Because now, we're only looking at old things about our partner. We're not learning about the new things. I want to go a bit deeper with you all if I can. One of the reasons why relationships and chemistry fade

• 28:23Jay Shetty?

  and what we can do about them. Is that we don't realize that relationships are not just for pleasure, but therefore reaching our truest potential. Your partner is going to push you, challenge you in ways that no one else ever has. And actually, it could bring out the best out of you if you're willing to let it come out. And I think too many of us are scared of letting it come out because of our ego. We don't want our partner to challenge us. Now, I'm not saying that your partner should criticize you or compare you to other people, that's not healthy. But our partner can challenge us in so many other ways and challenge our ego in so many other ways. And so there's a lot of growth to be had.

• 29:06Jay Shetty?

  And there's a beautiful statement from relationship counselor and former monk as well, Thomas More. He writes in his book, Soulmates, "Relationships are not meant to provide us with unending happiness. When we focus our attention on the soul of the relationship instead of on its interpersonal mechanics, a different set of values come to the foreground. We begin to see relationships as the place where the soul works out its destiny. With our focus on the soul, we won't feel the impossible burden of doing the relationship right." So he says, "When we look at the issues from the standpoint of our soul, we stop putting ourselves as the center. We don't ask, 'What's wrong with me?'

• 29:51Jay Shetty?

  We ask, 'How does the failure of this relationship serve me? Or what is out of alignment within me that I chose to be in a relationship that does not honor my values?' So More also writes that the problems within a relationship don't necessarily mean that something is wrong. Instead, these challenges may be inviting us to lean into one another. Periods of stress and points of disagreements can actually serve as initiation of sorts into a more meaningful relationship where we understand and relate to ourselves and the other person on a deeper level." I love this idea. I love this idea that challenges doesn't mean we just walk away, that we throw it away, that this could be the greatest growth that we could go through.

• 30:36Jay Shetty?

  See, the problem is in a relationship, we measure our self-worth by how well the relationship's going. We don't measure it by saying, well, how much am I growing? Right? We measure our self-worth and our self-esteem by how well is this relationship going? Not by how am I feeling or how am I growing or what am I accomplishing separately? The other thing I'm going to mention here is the investment we make in our relationship. Now, researchers from the National University of Singapore and Emory University used data from more than 3,000 married people to determine the correlation between how much money you spend on weddings and divorce rates. This is scary. They found that the more a couple spent on a wedding, the more likely the marriage wouldn't last.

• 31:21Jay Shetty?

  Those who married on the cheap, relatively speaking, for a thousand dollars or less, were 53% less likely to divorce. And couples spending between $1,000 and $5,000 were 18% less likely to split up. Conversely, couples who forked out over $10,000 to $20,000 for the big day were 29% more likely to divorce. Among those who went all out, spending more than $20,000, the odds their marriage wouldn't last rose to 46%. Now, I'm not telling you not to have a big wedding. I'm really not restricting you, but what I'm saying is, are we investing more in moving in and getting married? Or are we investing in our relationship?

• 32:05Jay Shetty?

  How many of us are, you know, when you're getting married, you think about a guest list? How many of you have thought about which are the couples you really want to spend time with? That's the thing we should be thinking about. When we get married, we have a officiant. The officiant is guiding the ceremony. Who are our marriage mentors? Or even if you're not getting married, our relationship mentors. Right? Who's coaching us? Who's guiding us through this? Who are we turning to? And clinical psychologist Seth Meyers says that seeking counselling before getting married, and I'm just talking about getting married is almost like a commitment in a relationship, even if you choose not to get married. So Seth Meyers says that seeking counselling before getting married is the smartest decision that any couple can make.

• 32:47Jay Shetty?

  Myers believes this is one thing that religious institutions and spiritual traditions that require or at least recommend premarital counselling get right. Yet unfortunately, many couples who aren't required by institutions or spiritual leaders to have counselling before marriage, avoid seeking this kind of support because of fear. They're afraid that if they talk about challenges they're already having, putting a spotlight on their problems will magnify them and they'll split up. Myers says it's typically the opposite that's true. Having a structured environment where you can express your feelings and be supported, working through early challenges, actually helps you resolve the issues so they won't creep up later on when you're in a relationship.

• 33:32Jay Shetty?

  So at that point later on, you could be so entrenched that they're harder to resolve and really could lead to divorce. So I think our avoidance of problems in hope that things will work out, rarely tend to work. I hope this episode has been really illuminating on how it's natural that chemistry will go. It's natural that compatibility and character will rise. We then have a choice between competition or collaboration. And finally, we have a choice between really excavating and creating long-lasting soul connection and work, as opposed to the idea of, I just wanna have a good time. I'm not saying that relationships are not fun, they're not exciting, they are, they're

• 34:16Jay Shetty?

  thrilling, but at the same time, there is a growth that comes from it that is even more satisfying. I'm sure you feel that if you're someone who's gone to the gym regularly, even though it was uncomfortable in the beginning, the feeling is so much better. If you've been eating really healthy, the feeling is so much better. If you've worked on a tough relationship, the success, the accomplishment you feel from this type of growth is so much greater than any pleasure. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. I hope you'll go and preorder my new book, it's four days away, 8rulesoflove.com. Get the audiobook or the hardcover, I can't wait for you to read it. And I can't wait to connect with you on my tour, I'm going on tour, jayshettytour.com if you wanna come and see me live.

• 35:01Jay Shetty?

  It's gonna be a phenomenal experience, can't wait to see you there.

• 35:13Speaker 01

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the Houseman Jody Pack.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 35:43Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company tore me of the explosion on our rig. On October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess. And Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 35:59Speaker 03

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You're stalled, you're freezing there, that's what.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  I'm not the first then.

• 36:08Speaker 02

  Digger, see the trailer online. Only begins October 2nd. Rated R, under 17, not a minute without parent.