Maternal Instinct & Other Stories We've Inherited

What if the idea of maternal instinct isn’t an inherent truth—but a cultural narrative that sets parents, especially mothers, up for self-doubt and isolation? In this episode, Dr. Becky invites us into a space of curiosity, questioning where our thoughts about parenting "naturally" come from, and why we might expect ourselves to figure it all out alone. Together with a close friend, she unpacks the quiet pressures baked into motherhood and challenges the comforting-yet-limiting binary of maternal instinct. What might parenting look like if we gave ourselves permission to learn, struggle, and seek support—just like we do in every other role?

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  After my first baby was born, I treated my own recovery like a complete afterthought. If the baby needed something, I showed up immediately. If I needed something, well, it would wait. But research shows that when parents have the support they need, they're better able to care for their children. Taking care of yourself isn't separate from parenting. It's a huge part of parenting. That's why I love Frida's mission to prepare women for the realities of pregnancy, postpartum, recovery, and feeding. Frida creates solutions for the moments that often catch moms off guard. The Postpartum Essentials Kit and Breastfeeding Survival Kit help women feel more prepared for those early weeks of motherhood. Be motherhood prepared and shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today.

• 0:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So there's a topic I can't stop thinking about. I talk about it with a lot of my friends. I'm talking about it at work all the time. I've been talking about it on other people's podcasts.

• 0:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And if I'm honest, I think I've been nervous to like really put all my thoughts together in one place. Here. I'll just put my cards kind of on the table. The topic is maternal instinct and how I feel about those two words together and the way the narrative of maternal instinct has just completely infiltrated the way I think so many of us think about our role as a mom.

• 1:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  My heart's racing because maybe in some ways my body is telling me this is a hot topic.

• 1:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This is going to get a strong reaction.

• 1:39Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  This is something that is so built in to culture and in some ways is built into the foundation of how the world works. But watch out.

• 1:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  The other thing I know about myself is I try to say what feels true to me.

• 2:02Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  In some ways, so much of Good Inside started because of these moments. I was like, hold on a second. Punishment, time out, sticker charts. I know this is what everyone thinks is like the truth and it's what I learned and that's what I started to practice, but there's something inside me that's saying, I don't know about this. Maybe there's a different way to see this. Maybe there's just more nuance here. Maybe there's multiplicity. And I think I started to think that for so long that it felt so big, it exploded out of me then on Instagram. And that felt vulnerable, too. So if I go back to my roots, I feel like I try to say things that feel true and important,

• 2:47Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  even if they're vulnerable. And I kind of know they shake up the status quo. And what I really value about everyone in this Good Inside movement is our ability to talk about hard things, to respect a difference of opinion. I do not expect everyone to say after this episode, oh, my goodness, I agree with everything Becky said. I don't even know I might listen to it and not agree with things I say a couple of weeks later. But right now, I cannot stop thinking about this conversation I had with a friend, conversations I've had since, and how many things I have to say about maternal instinct.

• 3:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I just felt like the right thing and what I wanted to do was come and share these thoughts with you. I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere, or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to

• 4:14Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 4:55Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I want to have a little disclaimer kind of toward the top where one of the things I love most about Good Inside is kind of how many different families come our way. A mom and a dad, two dads, two moms, a single parent, grandparents who are raising their kids. I mean, there are so many arrangements. It's the most amazing thing that we can define family based on like how things feel, not about how things look to other people. And in this specific episode, I want to really dive in to this phrase that I think has had a really profound impact on the parenting world. And that phrase is maternal instinct. So we're going to really

• 5:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  double click on that, which of course means we're going to double click on the maternal, the role of a mom. And I'm sure a lot of these things also apply to dads or other caregivers raising kids. And so I just want to acknowledge that from the start, as we kind of really explore what maternal instinct means, how we've taken this in, how it affects so many of the things we do because inherently it's the framework with which we see our role. And that's what we're going to do today. Now, let me say from the start, I'm a big believer that two things are true.

• 6:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I believe that for every parent out there, there are moments where showing up as the parent you want to be comes naturally. We can do certain moments by instinct. All I want to explore together is what might also be true.

• 6:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There are some moments when parenting the way we want to parent doesn't come naturally. And I just started to get curious and talk to other people, whether they were friends in my life, family members, people I was kind of connecting with on Instagram over DMs, sending voice messages back and forth. And I kept hearing the same words. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel like I should be able to figure this out on my own. Does that mean we're broken? Does that mean we're a failure?

• 7:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  So first, I just want to pause and acknowledge, maybe you've had those thoughts. Maybe you haven't had those thoughts consciously, but hearing them, you're like, something is ringing in my own body and brain right now. Like, I feel like that thought might be circulating.

• 7:34Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And there's no part of me that wants to ever convince anyone to think any other way than they're thinking. Right? I actually just want us together to enter into kind of a state of curiosity. Where do these thoughts come from? How are they different from other thoughts we have about jobs we hold or difficult tasks we take on? And is there something unique about parenthood, maybe unique about motherhood?

• 8:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Where we have this narrative that it should come naturally, that we shouldn't need assistance and that we should be able to figure it out on our own? And could this all tie up together to this two-word phrase?

• 8:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That feels kind of nice on the surface, but could be this kind of nasty binary narrative we've been sold. Maternal instinct. Because what if the belief that that means I'm a failure and I'm broken is actually the single biggest thing holding me back from being the parent I want to be more often and feeling proud of myself at the end of the night? What if I started seeing education and support in any way that felt right to me? That could be a million different ways. Okay. What if I started seeing that truly

• 9:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  as a sign of what an amazing parent I am? Amazing doctors, go to amazing med schools, amazing athletes, get amazing coaches, amazing CEOs, get amazing executive coaches and amazing parents. This generation forward, we are going to be the first one who say amazing parents get amazing support. Maternal instinct helps me in some moments. And I will not buy in to this sick joke that someone made up generations ago, that I should be able to do the hardest and most important job in the world entirely on my own.

• 9:44Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  No way will I pass that on to my daughter or my son. I want to unpack the words maternal and instinct a little bit because the fact that they come together in this term that I really do believe has weighed kind of on our collective consciousness about parenthood. It is really important to think about how those two things come together because I don't think I've ever heard someone say paternal instinct, which maybe we'll put over here for another part of this discussion. Maternal. We have been fed these ideas about what maternal means. And if you're like me, and maybe not, and if not, I would honestly love to hear your associations. There's this inherent selflessness.

• 10:26Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Eternal figures, they are there for you all the time. They pour themselves out. They show up. They anticipate. They meet every person's needs, but their own.

• 10:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Instinct. Is there an assumption that we should have a natural instinct to pour ourselves out and sacrifice ourselves for everyone else around us? Maybe that is part of our instinct because it's been the kind of most popular cultural norm about what it means to be a good mom for so many generations. And I think a lot of us do have that instinct. And I'm not saying all of that is bad. There are moments I can reflect on my own journey where I think, okay, here I am in my office, something happened at my kid's school, I just have to go be there. I have to pick them up. Right? Oh, my baby is crying. And sometimes I let them wait. There's just something about this moment that feels different.

• 11:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I gotta go into their room. And you're like, oh, my goodness, they were actually vomiting. Part of me kind of knew that. I picked them up. I am not saying there's no instinct. I think there is this thing inside of us that knows how to connect to our kid, that knows how to be there, that knows how to show up in such a powerful way that a child needs.

• 11:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  What I think is less instinctual is how do I balance that with setting boundaries? How do I balance that with my ability to take care of myself? Maybe we can ask ourselves, do I have a natural instinct to take care of my own wants and needs?

• 12:16Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  If that isn't my natural instinct, do I want to build that muscle? Do I think that would be good for me? Do I think that would also be good for my kid?

• 12:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Do I want to kind of redefine maternal instinct and how it plays out in my life as a parent? Because if so much of that instinct is about the way we show up for others, maybe then that is not useful in the moments I need to balance that with showing up for myself? I've said it before, I'll say it again. I just, I firmly believe that kids do not need selfless martyrs. They need sturdy leaders. And I think in the name of maternal instinct, we've had generations who have fully defined ourselves by how much we can pour out for someone else. And I don't even think that benefits our children.

• 13:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Again, I don't think the opposite is true either. Let's just all go on vacation for months and never see our children. Definitely not something I would suggest. The other thing I think is interesting about instinct is a lot of our instinct by the time we're adults is shaped by a combination of something we were born with and the environment we had to adapt to. We develop kind of our circuitry, our ways of seeing ourself and the world. And what do I need to do in a relationship to feel safe in the relationship? What do people expect of me?

• 13:48Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  How do I feel valued and worthy and good enough? A lot of those answers to those questions aren't conscious, but we kind of learn through our earliest years. Did I get value early on in my family from taking up a little bit of space and taking care of everyone else? Did I get value for the way I was so attentive to what people wanted of me? That I could fulfill those wants and needs at the expense of completely self abandoning what might be going on inside of myself? I think a lot of us women were these good girls. Kind of looked around.

• 14:32Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Who do I need to be for you? And how can I craft that version of myself perfectly?

• 14:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list

• 15:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 15:51Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I think a lot of us moms have a remarkably similar inner dialogue at the end of the night when we're reviewing the day. It should be easier. I should be able to figure this out. And then something even deeper and almost darker happens. What's wrong with me? No one finds out what a kind of ill-equipped parent I am. I am messing up my kids forever, and it's all my fault. I am broken. I am a failure. I mean, these are some of the darkest

• 16:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  thoughts we have. And I really don't even believe they're our own thoughts. I don't, I don't believe we were born thinking, if I don't figure out this parenting thing on my own when I'm older, I'm a real mess and a real fuck-up. Just don't think that's how we were born. I think we've absorbed it. And if you think about how that can get so deep and we're into this abyss, it really all comes from this cultural narrative and

• 17:04Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  assumption that we should be able to do this all on our own and all naturally. As soon as you say to yourself,

• 17:19Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Maybe that's not true. Maybe you expected me to say something bolder and I want to say something bolder. Fuck that narrative. Okay, I do, but there's something to moderation. As soon as you just say to yourself,

• 17:30Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  "Maybe my thought isn't true. It should be easier." Maybe that's not true. "I should be able to figure this out on my own." Maybe that's not true. You know, the loudest voices in our head aren't our truest voices. They're just our most practiced voices. And a lot of our most practiced voices weren't even our thoughts to begin with. And I think these thoughts, "It should be easier. I'm a failure. Something's wrong with me. I should be able to figure this out on my own."

• 18:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'll just put my opinion out there. I don't believe those started as our original thoughts. We've digested them. We've been flooded by them, by a million different societal messages. And I guess I feel empowered and excited, just kind of hopeful, at the idea of more and more of us just saying,

• 18:35Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  "Maybe not.

• 18:38Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Maybe I hear that voice in me and maybe it's not true.

• 18:42Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Maybe that voice doesn't work for me. Maybe there's another way of seeing this. Maybe there's something more nuanced. Maybe some moments come naturally and some don't. And maybe that is not a sign I'm broken. Maybe that's a sign I am perfectly human and maybe I can do something about that."

• 19:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  That actually really excites me. And I actually see so much evidence that there are so many more of us just entertaining that maybe thought.

• 19:13Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Maybe I don't have to believe these loud thoughts in my head. It's exciting. So if you're listening to this, maybe you're a brand new mom and you're home with your baby who's crying, who's hard to soothe, and it all feels so overwhelming. Maybe you're a mom of teenagers, of adult kids, and you're thinking, no one told me this stage was going to feel so heavy. Maybe you're in between and you're like, how about me? Yes, you have that five-year-old, that eight-year-old, that 12-year-old, whatever it is. And you're like, this is really hard. Why is this so hard? I actually have one message for all of you, and it's the one thing I tell myself more than anything else with parenting.

• 19:54Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Parenting feels hard because it is hard, not because you're broken, not because you're a failure.

• 20:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And actually, maybe it doesn't feel easier for anyone else. Maybe the only people it feels even slightly easier for are the people saying, this shouldn't come naturally. This is some hard stuff. I have the hardest and most important and most ongoing, I mean, 24/7, geez, job in the world. I will no longer buy the idea that it should come entirely naturally and I should do it on my own. No, thank you. And then does parenting get easy? No, it doesn't. I do not like to give false narratives. No, it never gets easy.

• 20:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I am one human trying to raise a very different human. It does get easier. And the difference between impossible and hard, the difference between hard and tolerable, those are actually substantial differences. And sometimes, especially in hard stages, that difference is the best it gets.

• 21:12Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And so I don't know if I have a great way to summarize all this. And again, I think this is so nuanced. There are moments where parenting the way we want to parent comes naturally. There are moments we just know.

• 21:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And there are moments we don't. Both are true. And I think more than ever now. Does it come naturally to know how to manage my kid's request for a cellphone at age eight? Does it come naturally to know how to manage social media platforms? Does it come naturally to know how to help my kid develop frustration tolerance? Even though they're growing up in a generation that has constant dopamine activated all the time? I think we're parenting in a very different world than has ever existed. We hear CEOs say all the time, this is a different generation of young kids coming in to the workplace.

• 22:10Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'm going to have to really learn a lot about how to work together. This is a new thing. This is a new world. This whole parenting thing has always been hard. This whole parenting thing, I would say, is an area where we've always deserved support. So let's double click on kind of education, right? Okay. If parenting doesn't entirely come naturally, then there's kind of the implication that there are skills I could build for moments where I want to show up in a way that's kind of hard for me to show up.

• 22:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And the gap between what feels instinctual and what actually feels good is just skills. It's not morality. It's not identity. It's just skills, kind of in a simple way, like the gap between, I don't know, being the tennis player I am today, by the way, which is not very good, and some tennis player I want to be. Skills, practice, that's all we need to close the gap. I believe there are skills we need to learn. And there's something, I just want you to take that in as very hopeful. When we can close a gap between how we show up today and how we want to show up tomorrow with skills, that is entirely in our control.

• 23:31Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I think what I'd kind of ask us to wrestle with or just look at without feeling the need to resolve it, because it's a big question, is can we build a world together? We're getting support and education around parenting, the job we care the most about.

• 23:53Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  Something we kind of brag about, something we take pride in. Can we allow it to kind of move into the area where athletes feel amazing about their sports psychologists and their coaches and their team? Where founders are always bragging to other founders, "I have the best executive coach." "Oh, you see your executive coach twice a month?" "I do three times a month." And you're like, "Oh, they're so lucky, they're so amazing." Or doctors want you to know, "My degree from medical school is from this great place and I'm putting it on my wall. You better bet I didn't get here on my own." Can we be the generation who builds that? I find that incredibly hopeful, incredibly inspiring, and honestly incredibly world-changing.

• 24:43Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I don't know about you, but by the time September rolls around, I am ready for cozy season. That's when I start thinking about Thanksgiving plans and travel that allows me to spend quality time with my family. I'm thinking board games, changing leaves, maybe even a living room with a fireplace where we can read our books together. Maybe you're the kind of family that loves an adventure and wants a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Or maybe you're dreading the end of summer and need to look forward to staying at a home on the beach with a view of the ocean. Or maybe you love to cook, so you want to stay in a home with your dream kitchen. Wherever your travel plans take you, it's the perfect time to get a little reset together as a family before the holiday season and craziness begins. But here's something you may not have considered. If you're planning to go away this year, leaving your own space empty, you can list

• 25:28Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  it on Airbnb while you're away to give another family some quality time in a home away from home. You get to make use of your space and you can earn some extra income to put toward your family's future travel plans. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.com/host.

• 25:50Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  There are so many areas of our life where support, where coaching, where education, we know gives people power.

• 26:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And there's this one area, being a mom,

• 26:09Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  where we hold such shame in support and education, and where we almost then stop ourselves from getting our power back, from feeling empowered. Education is power. We know this in every area of our life. We tell people this. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. We say this. We want to show our kid it's okay to raise your hand and say, "I need help, especially in the things that matter you the most." Raising your hand and saying you need help about something that matters. Oh, that's everything we want. And still, we get stuck. I believe the day parents, and yes, especially women,

• 26:49Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  say, "This whole idea that parenting should be something I figure out on my own." I actually see that narrative for what it is.

• 27:01Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's limiting.

• 27:03Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's blaming.

• 27:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  It's full of shame. It actually is the thing that keeps me stuck.

• 27:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And I will no longer participate in something that was always holding women back.

• 27:21Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'd love to know what this brings up for you. I expect it to bring up a lot of different things, and I'm okay with us kind of tolerating that and holding space. I'm sure you have ideas around this, and I want to hear from you. So, please, drop a comment in YouTube. Please share this with your friend group. Allow it to kind of create and spark a different conversation. So fun to talk to people we know about deep, kind of provocative topics. Yes, there are moments that come naturally, and there are moments that don't. That doesn't mean I'm broken. That actually means I'm an amazing, cycle-breaking parent.

• 28:06Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  And of course, when we're doing something for the first time, of course, when we're learning a new language, surrounding ourselves with support and education and allowing those kind of adventures to not be totally instinctual and natural is such a gift to you and your kid.

• 28:29Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  You know, parents carry a lot. In fact, data show that most parents spend every waking hour caring for someone else. So if you feel exhausted and stretched thin, you're not alone, and that makes sense. And look, I also know from experience what a relief it is to find caregiving support, finding a babysitter you trust and your kids will have fun with. That makes it so much easier to go back to work or travel or yeah, even go on one date with your partner. Care.com makes it easier to find trusted, background-checked caregivers with search and hiring tools you won't find on social media. Whether you need full-time help or just part-time help with morning drop-off

• 29:11Dr. Becky Kennedy?

  or after-school care, care.com can help you find nannies, sitters, and daycares. And you can find the expertise that matters to you. Think homework help, CPR training, or experience with multiple kids. And if you're considering daycare, you can search, compare, and request tours and could even get a discount on daycare tuition as a care.com member. If you need more support, care.com can help. For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a care.com membership. When it's not you, it's care.com.