377. Why do we resist change?

When we move through our 20s, it can feel like everyone else is making big, brave moves - new cities, new jobs, new relationships - while we’re stuck in the same place, overthinking every possible outcome. Change sounds good in theory, but in practice? It’s terrifying. In today’s episode, we dig into why we resist change, and what it actually takes to move forward even when part of you wants to stay the same. We explore: • Why change feels so overwhelming in our 20s • How loss aversion keeps us clinging to ‘fine but not right’ situations • What we really lose by staying the same • Why some of the best, most aligned decisions are also the scariest • How to build a more compassionate, positive mindset around change • Practical ways to take action with your fear, instead of waiting for it to disappear If you’re stuck in the loop of wanting change, but being scared to action it, this episode is for you. ORDER MY BOOK https://www.psychologyofyour20s.com/copy-of-book Follow Jemma on Instagram: @jemmasbeg https://www.instagram.com/jemmasbeg/?hl=en# Follow the podcast on Instagram: @thatpsychologypodcast https://www.instagram.com/thatpsychologypodcast/?hl=en# For business: [email protected] mailto:[email protected] The Psychology of your 20s is not a substitute for professional mental health help. If you are struggling, distressed or require personalised advice, please reach out to your doctor or a licensed psychologist. See omnystudio.com/listener https://omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.

• 0:04Speaker 01

  Cash Flow Crunch. OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds, up to $200,000, right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 0:34Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on, and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 1:11Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been really trying to prioritize my health in a realistic way this year, and something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop, because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns so I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a 30-day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop.

• 1:56Jemma Sbeg?

  Hey, question, are you an extra care member at CVS? Because there is literally no reason not to be. It's super easy to join and members instantly get extra big deals on things you buy most. I mean, this is stuff you're already buying, things like snacks, personal care products, all of it. And after you join, the savings just show up. Deals refresh every two weeks, but they don't last long. Head to your local CVS or open the CVS app, look for extra big deals and start saving today.

• 2:33Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. I'm Jemma Sbeg and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

• 2:53Jemma Sbeg?

  Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of your twenties. Today, let's talk about change. Let's talk about transitional periods. Let's talk about growth, progress, like the huge shifts that we experience in our twenties. These moments that are on like the precipice of something new feel very exciting. They feel very romantic. They feel very thrilling. But let's be honest, change is one of those things that I think sounds super fun in theory, but is sometimes absolutely horrible and painful in practice.

• 3:34Jemma Sbeg?

  In fact, at times, it, I think it really sucks and it has us really wishing that we'd stayed the same. We all have ambitions for kind of like the ways we like to change our lives or like to live our lives. We want a new job. We want to move to a new city. We want better friendships. Whatever it is that's currently on your goal list. It's funny that often the second, like a real opportunity to enact that occurs or to make change happen appears. We shrink and we find a lot of reasons not to do it. We don't feel prepared. We suddenly find ourselves sabotaging our habits and our momentum.

• 4:15Jemma Sbeg?

  We convince ourselves we can't right when we're actually about to. I was actually speaking to a friend about this the other day, who has like this terrible, horrible job, like downright workplace bullying situation. She's ready to get out, she's ready to leave, but she's been working on her resume and I'm saying this with love. She knows I'm sharing this, but she's been working on her resume for three months now and hasn't applied for a single job yet. And I said to her, you know, I was, I asked her, I was like, Liv, like, you've just got to apply, even if it's just for practice. Why aren't you just applying even if you know you're going to get rejected? And she was like, well, what if I actually get the job? What if I get the job and I'm not ready and my whole life changes?

• 4:59Jemma Sbeg?

  And I'm not prepared yet. This is what we're talking about. This inertia, this fear. Why does this happen? Why do we resist change, especially in our twenties, when we should supposedly, according to what everyone around us and older than us is saying, when we should have all the nerve and all the goals in the world? In this episode, I want to unpack the very deep psychology behind this paradox, the paradox of wanting to grow, but equally clinging to what is the same. Does this say something about our character? Is it a personal flaw? Is it a human instinct? Is it anxiety? Is it something else entirely? I'm going to give you some of the answers.

• 5:42Jemma Sbeg?

  We'll look at why this specifically feels so scary in our twenties, why we're so afraid of losing what we already have and what we might actually be quietly losing and how we might actually be losing more scientifically, mathematically, psychologically, by choosing the same old, by staying the same. I've learnt in my twenties so far that some of the very best decisions are also the ones that terrify us the most. So I want to interrogate that a little bit further and hopefully convince you as well. Without further ado, let's get into it.

• 6:23Jemma Sbeg?

  So to kind of start us off, let's look at what it is about change that feels so scary, especially in our twenties. Firstly, I think change feels particularly stressful during this decade because we're just surrounded by so much of it, right? We're kind of drowning in it. We never get a break from it. So it's hard to not fear more of it, especially the kind that could be randomly thrust on you at any given moment. A really relevant theory that comes up time and time again on the podcast is Arne's concept of emerging adulthood, which spans basically the late teens through to the end of our twenties.

• 7:05Jemma Sbeg?

  Typically, if I was to ask you, you know, what are the developmental life stages of being a human, you would probably say childhood, teen years, adulthood, late adulthood. But emerging adulthood points to this distinct life stage of like almost adulthood, where everything is kind of in between. You know, you're no longer a teenager, but you also don't feel like a settled version of yourself, especially not the kind that you kind of imagined as a child. You know, when I was a kid, I genuinely thought that I'd be married with my own kids by now. And what was I thinking? I don't even know who I am as a person yet.

• 7:47Jemma Sbeg?

  This period of emerging adulthood has a few key battles in store for us. Identity exploration, instability, feeling in between, loneliness and loss. It feels like because of all these battles we're facing, because of all these milestones we're going through, every six months of my twenties at least, I'm like an entirely new person. Every six months, I feel like I'm just completely reborn, like Gemma in early 2025 versus now. I honestly think that me and her would struggle to even have a conversation. Just for example, for you, think back over the last year of your life. There are parts of yourself from only 12 months ago that you probably can't relate

• 8:30Jemma Sbeg?

  to anymore because of how rapidly our lives change during this distinct period of life.

• 8:37Jemma Sbeg?

  The emotional and the psychological environment this creates means that when another big change comes along, even a positive one, you don't necessarily experience it as a fun thing or a fun little upgrade. The first thing I know my mind goes to when change is happening in my life, even good change, is like, how the hell am I going to fit this in? How am I going to adapt to this? Am I ready for this? Do I have the space?

• 9:06Jemma Sbeg?

  It's something that, like my mum always said to me, which is that even good stress is still stress. There's an element of cognitive overload going on. We're balancing so much involuntarily that sometimes it's hard to get excited or motivated by the change we choose because we just don't have the energy. That's the twenties explanation. That's why we specifically often, you know, fall away from change during this decade and under these circumstances. Here is the more human explanation. Simply put, we as humans are wired from our amygdala to our frontal lobe

• 9:46Jemma Sbeg?

  to prefer coherence, to prefer a sense that our life story makes sense, that we know kind of roughly where we are going, roughly where we've been, roughly where we are now. This, you know, very rudimentary sense of stability is really important for maintaining homeostasis, the natural equilibrium of our systems that allows us to function because we feel safe enough. Something that I heard recently is like, your brain doesn't care if you're growing. Your brain doesn't care if you're fulfilled. It literally only cares that you are safe. I'm not going to bore you guys with the evolutionary perspective because I think we all know it by now, but.

• 10:31Jemma Sbeg?

  Anything unknown, anything unknown that change brings signals danger, triggering a whole set of stress-based reactions that are meant to shock your body into action. These reactions also exhaust your body. And so our, our very smart systems learn to anticipate things that are going to cause this much of a shakeup and to be fearful of them, to be fearful of change. In contrast, the known obviously signals safety and therefore the peace, peaceful and calm conditions our body needs to function properly. We are of course going to lean more towards that second state, more towards

• 11:15Jemma Sbeg?

  known peace, stability, safety, even if that means not really pushing ourselves. The thing is, our body's dedication to this homeostasis often works against us because it asks us to automatically resist new things, even if those things are good for us. Your mind is in many ways hardwired to want you to stay the same. It doesn't want to expend energy for no good reason. It's really happy how it is because it knows what's going on. They have done study after study on this. Your body, as soon as you ask it to change, is going to dig its heels in. That is why weight loss is so hard.

• 11:59Jemma Sbeg?

  That is why quitting substances is so hard. That is why undoing relationship patterns is so hard. Your brain is like a bike with broken handlebars that like keeps steering you back in the direction you don't want to go. You have to keep forcibly moving it back onto the path that you've chosen. It does this, yes, through literal biological resistance, but mainly by influencing our appraisal of any and all new situations so that we expect the worst. In behavioral economics, Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky developed something called the prospect theory. They developed this back in the 1970s and they essentially showed

• 12:43Jemma Sbeg?

  that humans do not evaluate gains and losses in a balanced way. We typically want to avoid loss as much as possible. So our focus is disproportionately on what kind of losses change is going to bring us. There is a larger assessment of those things that are scary and that we could lose versus what we have to gain, even if the losses and gains are equal, even if we actually have more to gain, irrationally, our brain still keeps going back to what we have to lose. For example, I'll give you some research that backs this up. Research has shown that in an experimental condition where people are given 50 tokens

• 13:28Jemma Sbeg?

  to begin and they either gain 10 additional tokens or have 10 tokens randomly taken away, later on, when they're asked to estimate, you know, what proportion, what percentage do you think you lost or gained in this situation? The people who had 10 tokens taken away suggested they had lost almost 15% more than they actually had, whereas those who had gained extras usually estimated it more accurately. They usually were like, yeah, around 10, around, around 5%, around 10%, whatever it was. These people weren't just bad at math, right?

• 14:07Jemma Sbeg?

  What it's really showing is that our brains focus, expand, skew our perception of what we have to lose. This means that when we encounter situations of uncertainty and change, even good change, our anticipation for what may go wrong will often be so much greater than our excitement for the possibility of what will go right.

• 14:32Jemma Sbeg?

  This contributes to what we know as the status quo bias. Basically, we'd rather stick with how things are, even if they're not amazing, because change feels too risky and too much of a burden. There's actually quite a famous paper from the eighties that explores this. It was published in the Journal of Risk and Uncertainty. And essentially, in a series of these decision-making experiments, where participants were given a default option, they disproportionately stuck with that option, even when the alternatives were objectively better. They would, they could win twenty dollars, they could win prizes. They could also lose ten dollars, but they actually went for neither of those things.

• 15:15Jemma Sbeg?

  They didn't wanna win twenty, they didn't wanna lose ten. They just did nothing. They stuck with what they had. Now, if we apply this pattern of behaviour to our actual lives, think about it. You might be in a job that's all right. It's okay. You know, it pays the rent, it pays for your car payment. You know, you sort of know what you're doing. You have colleagues you chat to. But deep down, you know you're not growing. You know a part of you feel stuck. And then another opportunity appears. It's a different role, maybe it's in a different city, maybe a different field. On paper, it's better. But your brain doesn't see stable job versus better job.

• 16:01Jemma Sbeg?

  Instead, it interprets this as loss of security, loss of familiarity, loss of routine, loss of competence, and interesting job. It doesn't assess those two, what is, what there is to lose and what there is to gain accurately. You know, those potential gains, more fulfillment, more alignment, more money, a more aligned path to our brain, to our present-day brain, they're kind of abstract. They're in the future. They're difficult to imagine because you're not, they're not in front of you the way that the potential losses are. The way that they're very vivid because the thing you have to lose is right there. That again is also why change feels so unstable because the losses are always going to be more visual and apparent

• 16:45Jemma Sbeg?

  versus the gains that haven't happened yet. I think it's the same dynamic in in relationships as well. Leaving a relationship that isn't working or isn't quite fulfilling means potentially losing a companionship that you already understand and a history that you understand because you were there and the in-laws that you've grown to like because you see them all the time. The idea that, you know, leaving that person might mean you gain self-respect, might mean you gain inner peace, might mean that you gain a compatible partner, a more compatible partner later on. That's really intangible because you haven't met them yet. You can't feel it. So it's not as emotionally weighted in the same way,

• 17:28Jemma Sbeg?

  even if you know in your heart of hearts that this is probably, if not absolutely 100%, the right decision. We can understand this a little bit further through something called terror management theory. Sounds very extreme, but it's basically a social psychology framework that suggests

• 17:51Jemma Sbeg?

  that suggests that a lot of our need for security, for routine, for self-esteem is connected to the fact that we're aware that on some level, life is very fragile and life is finite. Change, especially the big irreversible kind, brushes up a lot of existential fears, brushes up against this idea that we might not be in control, that things can go wrong, that we can make mistakes, that we only have limited time here, so we better make the right decisions. Our desire to keep returning to what we know is partly about managing our anxiety about our own fragility. So when you're clinging to a situation that is fine, that is okay, you know, not great job, all right partner,

• 18:36Jemma Sbeg?

  city that feels kind of restrictive. You might be like, why do I keep doing this? Why can't I move on? And it's because your brain is trying to protect you from a very real sense of loss and of uncertainty. And on a deeper level, this sense that actually nothing is guaranteed. Maybe I can't make it work in this new location, this new relationship, this new life. Your resistance to change is therefore very natural. It's being influenced by a lot of, I would say, very powerful, very complex processes. To be honest, when I look at all these things lined up, I'm surprised anybody ever takes a risk ever. Like, if that's what we're battling against, like existential fears, a hardwired fear

• 19:21Jemma Sbeg?

  of the unknown, and like neurological patterns that don't want to break. I can't, I, it's pretty courageous that people ever do anything. But the thing is, and this is the point I think we all realize eventually. We don't only lose things when we change, we also lose things when we stay the same. Staying the same also has a cost. When you don't apply for the role you're really drawn to, someone else gets it. Someone else gets the mentoring and the skills and the money. Someone else who may have less skills than you gets that opportunity just because they have the bravado. When you don't move to the new city that you're, that you're daydreaming about, there's

• 20:04Jemma Sbeg?

  a person in that new city who would have been your best friend. You never get to meet them. That relationship never happens. There's memories that are never made. Fond memories, memories that you would have had till the day you die. You weren't there to make them. You know, when you don't leave the relationship you know is wrong for you, you're also blocking the space for a more compatible partner, or maybe just simply a more peaceful relationship with yourself. This, all these examples are what is known as opportunity cost. It's a term from economics that's actually super applicable here. You guys know, I never miss a moment to tell you guys, I actually also have an economics degree, have to do my humble brag every time it comes up, but opportunity cost is one of the concepts you learn like on day one of microeconomics.

• 20:49Jemma Sbeg?

  And it's basically the value of the next best alternative. You give up when you choose something. And it's something that it costs you and it costs you in a way, in the ways of disappointment, regret, but also in the ways that you could have taken all that energy and spent it on something that may have turned out better. And that's, that's a cost that you have to bear by choosing. Every choice you make is also a set of choices you don't make. And not making a choice is the most costly of all of those choices. Every year you put off going back to university is a year you're not getting any closer to graduating. Every month you put off starting that new exercise routine is another month that you just don't feel good about yourself, you don't feel a hundred percent in your body.

• 21:34Jemma Sbeg?

  And those missed opportunities, they compound the way investments, you know, compound and get more expensive as well. You know how I always think about it? I always think about it when I'm doubting or thinking, do I do this thing or not? I always think about the people who bought a house like back in the nineties. And like that running joke of like, if only I had twenty thousand dollars back in the nineties, I, I could be able to afford a house. And every year houses just get more and more expensive. Investing in skills, investing in change right now is like buying a house in the nineties. Because in thirty years' time, forty years' time, you're gonna have this whole life that's been built upon an investment you made back then that has compounded and compounded and compounded.

• 22:19Jemma Sbeg?

  Otherwise, if you don't do it, yeah, you don't have the house. You also live with the knowledge that you could have. You could have been the proud owner of the home, you could have been the proud owner of a highly valued life if you've just taken the risk and embraced change. And this right here is the final cost of not pursuing change. It's the discomfort of self betrayal, of knowing on some level that, you know, you abandoned your own needs and values and a future version of you who now doesn't get to exist because of your resistance to things being different.

• 22:55Jemma Sbeg?

  The thing is as well, we resist change now because we think the opportunity might linger and might come up later. But over time, I think it does become harder to imagine future changes going any differently because right now, you resisting change is building a track record of staying, of just accepting that this is how your life is. Like that narrative of like, this is just what it is, this is just what it is. It gets stronger and stronger. Every day you allow it to continue to exist and not challenge it. And I'm not saying you can't eventually change or that you won't, or that there aren't choices out there that you will eventually take.

• 23:36Jemma Sbeg?

  But the thing is, some of the best decisions that we make in our lives are the ones that we don't feel prepared for. Because you can never be a hundred percent certain that what you're going to do, the risk you're going to take is going to work out. How do we get over that mental barrier, the not knowing, the uncertainty? We're going to dive into exactly how, some steps to embrace change after this short break, so stay with us.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  Cash flow crunch? OnDeck's small business line of credit gives your business immediate access to funds up to $200,000 right when you need it. Cover seasonal dips, manage payroll, restock inventory, or tackle unexpected expenses without missing a beat. With flexible draws, transparent pricing, and control over repayment, get funded quickly and confidently. Apply today at ondeck.com. Funds could be available as soon as tomorrow. Depending on certain loan attributes, your business loan may be issued by OnDeck or Celtic Bank. OnDeck does not lend in North Dakota. All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

• 24:38Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know, they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on, and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is. Lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favorite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 25:15Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been approaching my health really differently this year. I used to be really focused on maximizing and doing more. And now I'm just realizing that if I listen to what my body needs, I perform way better. And that's why I am obsessed with my Whoop. Truly, you guys, you know I'm such a data and information driven person. And I love opening my Whoop app and seeing how my sleep, my stress, my strain is correlating with my mood, with my running performance, with how I'm just feeling day to day. I'm not an elite athlete by any means, but I do really benefit. And I also just really enjoy knowing more about my body. And Whoop also gives me these actionable personalized insights

• 25:58Jemma Sbeg?

  that have made me more intentional and meant that I make smarter decisions day to day about what I need, rather than just putting my foot on the gas and just going, going, going, going. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop. Hi, this is Jemma Sbeg. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean completely changing your routine. Naturewise Vitamin D3 is an easy way to support immune, bone and muscle health every single day. And because quality matters, Naturewise has one of the first NSF certified Vitamin D3 currently on the market.

• 26:43Jemma Sbeg?

  Plus, it's non-GMO, gluten free and third party tested. Visit naturewise.com to explore their Vitamin D3 options and find the one that's right for you. Naturewise.com.

• 26:57Jemma Sbeg?

  Here's a pattern that I've noticed. I often think the decisions that are the most life altering are the ones that actually you don't feel calm at the time about making. I think are the ones that challenge you the most. In my own life, that was like leaving my first long term relationship. This person I thought I was gonna be with forever. Or quitting my job, leaving the comfort of a paycheck to work for myself. Moving cities to a place I didn't know anybody. None of those decisions were easy. I actually put them all off much longer than I needed to. I was in that relationship like for six months longer than I should have been. Same with the job. It took two years for me to move to London.

• 27:41Jemma Sbeg?

  I still don't feel a hundred percent certain about that decision sometimes. This is because a lot of big decisions have what we call approach avoidance conflicts. We've talked a lot about losses and gains as if a decision is either gonna create all loss or all gain. The theory, this theory though, says it's probably gonna be a mix. Undesirable and desirable things. Hopefully the desirable things we know, we don't always know. But what this means is that the closer we get to making a decision or a goal, the greater our anxiety, but also the greater our excitement. The feelings, those feelings, excitement, anxiety, excitement, anxiety, fear, anxiety, excitement.

• 28:25Jemma Sbeg?

  They can be indistinguishable at times. So we just basically end up being overwhelmed. The spike of anxiety that you receive, where you feel as you near a decision point, is incredibly normal because you're responding to essentially an increasing reality that things are gonna change and that you're going to have to adapt. Not a possibility anymore, a reality. I often think, you know, the more fear, the more pros and cons lists that you make, the more you probably should go through with it, the more you probably should do it scared. Because when you're scared, it points to the fact that this possibility and what is being offered to you or what you think could come from this strikes a real nerve.

• 29:10Jemma Sbeg?

  It strikes a nerve deeply with what you value. If you didn't care, if you didn't fear this as much, if you weren't as overwhelmed by the choice, I feel like you wouldn't secretly kind of know that this is what you need to do. I don't think you'd be having such a profound emotional reaction if this thing wasn't right for you, because you wouldn't be meaningfully invested enough to feel this way. What you're experiencing as anxiety and fear about change is your nervous system reacting to the magnitude of possibility and the unknowing, how unknown it is. And often, we think that's just anxiety. A large part of it is anticipation.

• 29:56Jemma Sbeg?

  Knowing that this has to be our reality, knowing it's only a matter of time until we take the plunge, knowing that things are going to be incredible. Don't let, you know, fear convince you that anticipation and excitement are the same as anxiety and that they're a bad thing, and that they alone indicate that something is a bad decision. Your emotions don't know anything more than you do. They don't know. They come from you. They originate from you. How do they know? I think the decisions you feel most intensely about just to nail this home, those are the ones, your soul, your heart, whatever it is you think it is, whatever label you give it,

• 30:38Jemma Sbeg?

  there is some deep part of you that is most drawn to them for a reason. With that being said, how do we take the leap? When do we know that we're ready? When do we know it's time to jump? If you've spent most of your life treating change as this big scary dramatic threat, you're probably not going to wake up one day and be like, cool, I suddenly love this. I'm ready to go. A more realistic goal is just to change the story you tell yourself about what change means or about how emotionally ready you are for it. One theory that can help here that I found is the early 2000s broaden and build theory from somebody called Barbara Fredrickson.

• 31:24Jemma Sbeg?

  Broaden build is fantastic, and it essentially suggests that counteracting limiting emotions like fear, pessimism, hopelessness with

• 31:36Jemma Sbeg?

  More positive emotions like curiosity, interest and hope widens our attentional focus and lets us see more possibilities. When fear and anxiety narrow our focus to the threat or what we have to lose because that is what they're meant to do, curiosity and hope gently just let you see beyond that pinpoint or see beyond the worst case scenario. Let yourself feel that first wave of like, this is gonna go terrible, what am I doing? And then send in the second wave, send in the deliberate judgment, one of curiosity and excitement. For example, you might think, I'm terrified to move, I'm terrified to start over, but

• 32:18Jemma Sbeg?

  also I'm slightly curious, I'm really excited for who I might become. You might think leaving this relationship is gonna absolutely destroy me, my life is gonna be over, but also I'm a tiny bit hopeful about the opportunities I've, I'm gonna have to meet new people on the other side. Even better, if you want something super practical, you could do this literally right now, super practical, for every way you think that change, for every way you think this is gonna go wrong, for every bad thing you think change is gonna bring into your life, write a list of the five ways it could go right, or the five reasons that you'll be okay even if it doesn't.

• 33:00Jemma Sbeg?

  Literally counteract it as much as you physically can with an overwhelming, kind of wall of optimism and positivity and just possibility as well. You know why I love this tip? I love this tip because it proves that you can overthink the good stuff as well, you can overthink the positives as much as you can overthink the negatives. Another tip on top of this that I also swear by is when I am at like the precipice of a change and I'm like, oh my god, should I do this, should I not do this? I just imagine telling the story of this very moment where I make the decision in five or 10 years' time, and I imagine telling it as a success story.

• 33:45Jemma Sbeg?

  I imagine it as me sitting around a dinner table being like, this was the beginning, this is where I, this was my origin story, this was the rise. This moment right here, the one I'm most afraid in, is the one I'm gonna come back to time and time again. There's a lot of research on post-traumatic growth.

• 34:04Jemma Sbeg?

  And also on major life transitions that suggests that we cope better with upheaval. We cope better with things going wrong or with change when we can place it into a story about what our lives are for and the purpose we are living and the journey we are taking. When you create a narrative about who you could be as a result of what's happening to you right now, or what might be happening for you in the future, and you reframe that change as a process that is happening to you, for you, in your favor, rather than against you, it suddenly feels like this is the most natural thing in the world. You have to do this. I also think, you know, if you want a good story, if you want a good origin story about

• 34:48Jemma Sbeg?

  your life, you've got to build it, you've got to make it, you've got to be courageous enough to take risks, and that's what you're doing right now. You're building the story and you're making it an interesting one by embracing change. I think if change is continuously framed as something that's just only pointless, only chaos, only emotional disruption, it will always feel like a negative, it will always feel like something to avoid. But if it's framed as the way you become more yourself, the way that you get to your goals, the path through, it starts to feel more like a transition,

• 35:27Jemma Sbeg?

  not just the end outcome. I think it helps to remember that change is also rarely one big cinematic leap. Instead, it's usually a series of small stages, small steps. Another model, I guess, theory that I love is the trans-theoretical model of change. This was developed by researchers in the nineties, and it describes change as not a before and after, but moving through phases where occasionally things aren't working, and occasionally they're working really well. You know, you move through these phases of like not really considering it yet, then seriously thinking about it, then preparing, then acting, then trying to maintain the new behaviour.

• 36:12Jemma Sbeg?

  The key thing is that people slide back and forth through these stages all the time. They're prepared, they're not prepared. They're sticking with their habits, suddenly the habit is broken.

• 36:23Jemma Sbeg?

  The thing is, is that they're always continuing to have forward motion even within the cycle. They're always trying to get back to the place they want to be. So if you've been thinking about moving city, if you've been thinking about leaving your job for whatever reason,

• 36:38Jemma Sbeg?

  and you're still in that anticipation phase, the next stage is like only a few centimetres away. All you have to do is just shift yourself into that preparation stage, into that doing stage. Maybe you're not gonna apply or keep applying, or maybe you're not gonna go through with it, but at least you can say you were in that stage even for a little while. Seeing changes as a process that has ambivalence, that has messiness, that has false starts and experimentation, like all built into it, that is, that can soften the unease and it can soften the all or nothing thinking of like, if I'm gonna accept, embrace, pursue change, I better be 100% committed or 100% not in at all.

• 37:18Jemma Sbeg?

  This links actually to a lot of the ideas that come from acceptance and commitment therapy. ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, talks about committed action, which is basically taking concrete steps guided by your values to get what you want, not just things that are guided by your moment to moment emotions. Your values are telling you, I wanna do this. This is the necessary thing for me. I have to take this step if I wanna be the kind of person I've envisioned. The fear is always going to be there. It just, you know, I'm just not gonna let it dictate what I do. It's always gonna be there. But let me ask you this.

• 37:59Jemma Sbeg?

  Take out the fear, take out the anxiety. What if I told you I knew for certainty, every part of your plan was gonna work out? I knew. Somebody had told me. All the steps were gonna be complete. Nothing was gonna go wrong. I could swear up and down that that was the case. All I needed from you was commitment. Commitment to the time it would take.

• 38:22Jemma Sbeg?

  If that was the situation, what outcome in those circumstances would you desire the most? What is the path you're gonna pick if I said it was all gonna work out? That's what you want. It's as clear as day. Now, tell me why all the steps won't work out. Tell me why that's gonna happen. Tell me why exactly you believe it's not gonna go your way. You don't have any proof. You have no proof. You have emotional reactions to what you think's gonna happen. You have fear, but you can't give me any concrete evidence that if you tried,

• 39:01Jemma Sbeg?

  that it would go terribly. You, you literally couldn't tell me a single thing. Maybe past experience still doesn't count for anything. It's all just fear. And again, your fear doesn't know anything more than you do because it comes from you. And you don't know anything right now. You don't know what's gonna happen. That's why you're here in the first place. That's why you're so afraid. You have to approach it as if it's all gonna work out. And under these conditions, if that was the case, what's the first thing you do? What's the first step you'd have to take? What is baby step number one that you would have to do? Just focus on completing that. Baby steps literally can't hurt. That's why babies do them. Like, that's literally in the name.

• 39:42Jemma Sbeg?

  It's, they are there to feel, they are there to trust, they are there just to progress slowly. If you wanna start a business, registering a business name can't hurt you. Baby step. Start the Instagram page. It's not gonna hurt you. It's a baby step. Researching the opportunity, even if you're not acting on it, is a baby step. It's not gonna hurt you. If you wanna move to a new city, looking at visas, you don't have to pay for them. Like, just starting to save for them, baby step. It's not gonna hurt you. These are all steps, all things you gain from, you will continuously gain from regardless of if you go all the way through with it.

• 40:20Jemma Sbeg?

  You introduce change and you introduce the steps towards change on your terms this way. You microdose change. I think also our intolerance for uncertainty also becomes more manageable when it's named, when we're planning for it. This is something I always say when I'm overwhelmed by things shifting in my life. I'm stressed by the process, I'm excited by the outcome. I'm scared by the process, I'm excited by the outcome. Two things can be true, then you can go that final step deeper. I'm scared, I'm scared why? I'm scared of the process, I'm excited by the outcome. Why am I scared?

• 41:01Jemma Sbeg?

  What is the human insecurity this is secretly unconsciously manipulating in me to make me feel like it's all gonna go wrong? I'm scared if I move, I'm gonna hate it, I'm gonna feel trapped. What you're really scared of is losing control, not actually of moving. I'm scared I'll leave this relationship, I'll never meet anybody else. You're not scared of leaving the relationship, you're scared of being lonely. But there's no, you don't have any proof that that's actually what it's gonna be like. That is just your deep human personal fear. Then you can reinforce again that maybe this isn't the case. Again, use that five by five method I mentioned before. What are five alternatives?

• 41:44Jemma Sbeg?

  And what are five ways that I'm gonna be okay even if I am lonely? Even if I do lose control? I also want you to notice here that none of the advice shared, none of the advice that would be given to you by a therapist or a psychologist is wait until you're not scared anymore. Speaking really bluntly, it's not gonna arrive. You're always gonna be scared. It's hardwired into you. Your threat system is designed to warn you against uncertainty. Uncertainty is a promise of life. Change is always gonna bring about that feeling. Your relationship and how you act towards uncertainty is what is going to determine

• 42:24Jemma Sbeg?

  what happens, not your imaginary fill-in-the-blank catastrophic perceptions of it. If you take, you know, nothing else from this episode, let it be this, you're allowed to be scared of change, it's really fucking scary, you're allowed to grieve what you might lose, you're allowed to not know exactly how it will play out. But that being said, you don't actually know. And you're also allowed to decide that the discomfort, the terror of never trying is way worse than taking a step. Just because something is scary doesn't mean it's not the right move. In fact, sometimes that fear is a sign that it is.

• 43:07Jemma Sbeg?

  Your fear-based imaginations are not predictions. They are designed to be the most intense scary thing that you can imagine so that you can be prepared for it. They don't know any more than you do. And if you say it's going to be all right,

• 43:22Jemma Sbeg?

  if you say, I'm going to accept the change anyways. I'm going to be prepared. I'm going to face it head on. If you say it's going to be magnificent, it will be.

• 43:33Jemma Sbeg?

  The chances are so high that it will be the way that you anticipate it, if you anticipate it in a positive light, that it's going to be incredible because you have embraced something that so many people don't. And they live miserable lives anyways. At least you can say, I gave it a go. At least you can say, I fricking tried, rather than dealing with the what ifs. So, thank you for listening. If you have made it this far, I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you learnt something. Thank you, as always, to our researcher Libby Colbert for her research contributions to this episode. Make sure you are following us on Instagram at That Psychology Podcast. Make sure you are subscribed wherever you are watching.

• 44:17Jemma Sbeg?

  Our question of the day, if you have made it this far, thank you so much, loyal listener. Our secret question is, what is a change that you are secretly resisting right now? Whether it's moving, whether it's starting a business, whether it's dating, leaving somebody, whatever it is, leave a comment down below. Until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon.

• 44:49Jemma Sbeg?

  This episode is sponsored by Gymshark. Gymshark has spent over 14 years obsessing over gym clothing and the people who wear it. And let me just say, I think we all know they are very, very good at what they do. No, seriously, their stuff is so good. Their everyday seamless collection is light, it's soft, it's stretchy. All of their stuff just looks good on and it's made for people who love to exercise, whatever exercise that is, lifting, cardio, Pilates, running around campus, maybe just doing errands. Discover Gymshark and find your new favourite gym clothing at gymshark.com.

• 45:26Jemma Sbeg?

  I've been really trying to prioritise my health in a realistic way this year and something that has kept me really motivated is my Whoop. I am such a data person, which is why I love Whoop, because I can genuinely see why my body feels differently depending on the day, why I'm running differently, why I'm maybe less focused. Whoop effortlessly tracks my sleep, it tracks my strain, my recovery, my stress, and most importantly, my overall health. And it just gives me all that data and all those patterns so I can make better decisions, which includes knowing when to go easy and knowing when to go hard. New members can try Whoop with a 30 day free trial before committing to a membership. That's join.whoop.com/psychology for your free month of Whoop.

• 46:11Jemma Sbeg?

  Hi, this is Jemma Sbeg. Taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean completely changing your routine. Naturewise Vitamin D3 is an easy way to support immune, bone and muscle health every single day. And because quality matters, Naturewise has one of the first NSF certified Vitamin D3 currently on the market. Plus, it's non-GMO, gluten-free and third-party tested. Visit naturewise.com to explore their Vitamin D3 options and find the one that's right for you, naturewise.com. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.