A Content Carol with Miserable Pablo Torre

Pablo only understands the true meaning of making this show, not the holiday season. So the ghosts of Christmas break pay him a visit, to pay it forward with recommendations for reality shows and Christmas songs, plus an important investigation into the truth about Santa Claus. May bonus content bless you, everyone. PTFO-approved xmas playlists: Charlotte Wilder's Christmas-Song Christmas Songs https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7eE3pQlXaK1iKTIamesu5v?si=8121117effbf4c44 Cortes's Holiday Mix https://open.spotify.com/playlist/224BVW9Ai5Ak01jJq8MX7w?si=9ab1111c31674ec9 This episode originally aired December 22, 2023. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Pablo Torre?

  This episode of Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8. And look, I've chased down a lot of strange stories, but nothing quite like what's inside a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. It is 100% fresh beef, cooked right when you order it, with no artificial flavors, colors, fillers, or preservatives in the beef. The onions are hand-topped by someone who knows the perfect amount by memory, two slices of cheese and a star, and two pickles, side by side. So every bite gets both. And every time one's ordered, a cowbell sound rings in the kitchen. That's the grill master's cue to put a fresh patty on the grill. My move?

• 0:42Pablo Torre?

  QPC, fries and a drink after a long day of recording. That is my happy place. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California. And for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. This episode is brought to you by Apollo.io. A lot of the stories on this show start the same way. Something that looks pretty simple turns out to be a mess once you look under the hood. Well, it's no different in the sales world. Your team has a tool for finding prospects, a different tool for reaching out to them, and a third for keeping track of it all.

• 1:27Pablo Torre?

  On paper, that's a system. In practice, it's a salesperson spending the better part of the day copying names from one tab into another, and not much of it actually selling. Apollo.io is a platform that helps sales teams find the right buyers and reach out to them. It brings prospecting, outreach, and follow-up into one place instead of several separate tools. It's used by sales teams of all sizes, from small businesses to larger organizations. And it's built for teams who want less manual busywork and more time with buyers. If your marketing and sales teams are trying to work from the same view of the customer, it's worth a look. Sign up for free at Apollo.io. That's Apollo.io.

• 2:10Pablo Torre?

  Onnit's Black Friday Sale doesn't start until later this month, but listeners get in early. If you're new to Onnit, go to Onnit.com and

• 2:19Speaker 01

  Use code PABLO for 30% off your first order starting today. If you've never tried ONIT, start with AlphaBrain. It's their daily nootropic built to support focus, memory, and mental clarity on days when you need to be locked in, whether that's powering through a tough workout or staying focused during back-to-back meetings. Get early access and save 30% off your first order at ONIT.com. That's O-N-N-I-T dot com. And use code PABLO. Some exclusions apply.

• 2:56Pablo Torre?

  Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out. I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Pablo, you've got interesting dancing skills.

• 3:05Pablo Torre?

  You shut the [bleep] up.

• 3:07Speaker 02

  I just said interesting.

• 3:07Pablo Torre?

  Whatever you're about to say next, shut up. Right after this ad.

• 3:13Speaker 03

  You're listening to DraftKings Network.

• 3:29Speaker 04

  'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through these mansions, not a creature was stirring, not even David Sampson. But in the Metal Arc Studio, where podcasts are made, Pablo Torre is still up, even though it is late. He's not doing the things he usually does from his chair, talking about Harvard and how he went there.

• 3:59Speaker 04

  No, this time it's quiet. Across all podcast land, there's no Katie, no Dominique, no Mina, or Dan.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  So Pablo is worried. That's why his huge calves are shaking. How will he make content without resorting to hot-taking? You can see this, by the way, including each little smirk, if you're watching on YouTube or the DraftKings Network.

• 4:32Speaker 04

  For one look reveals that Pablo is existentially stuck, as he deeply furrows his brow and screams the word [bleep].

• 4:46Speaker 04

  He knows time's running out and he's got to get moving. Because if you're not making more show, then what are you even doing? He looks for an answer. He even starts praying. "God, am I really this miserable like Larsa Pippin was saying?" Which reminds me, one sec, just a quick break from this all. Now I must tell you about a spray for your balls. Yes, this poem is sponsored by a proprietary tingle. When your chestnuts are roasting, this will make your bells jingle. Anyway, where was I?

• 5:29Speaker 04

  Ah, yes, that whole existential thing. Pablo's answer is always yes, for content is king. But now two sources are saying that's not what the season's about. So it looks like it's time for Pablo Torre to find out.

• 6:11Pablo Torre?

  This message is brought to you by Apple Card. With Apple Card, you earn unlimited daily cash back on everyday purchases like groceries or merch or tickets to the game. Plus, it can be used anywhere MasterCard is accepted. No matter your team, no matter where you shop, Apple Card is here to help you tackle game day. Apply in the Wallet app on your iPhone today. Subject to credit approval. Apple Card is issued by Goldman Sachs Bank, USA, Salt Lake City Branch. Terms and more at applecard.com.

• 6:42Pablo Torre?

  Gifts mean more when they have the power to give more. They can inspire more discovery, give more confidence, and unwrap more of who you are. This Black Friday, give a gift that goes beyond the box. The Dell XPS 13 Laptop. With a beautiful design and cutting-edge performance, it helps you unlock more possibilities. It's the thinnest, lightest XPS laptop yet, with touchscreen, a backlit keyboard, and long-lasting battery life to power you through your day. Built with a durable aluminum chassis, weighing just 2.2 pounds, and Intel Core processors, it's fast, reliable, and portable enough to keep up wherever you go. Visit dell.com to explore the possibilities with XPS. While shopping, you'll also find great perks like Dell Rewards,

• 7:26Pablo Torre?

  fast free shipping, premium support, and financing with flexible payment options. Plus, you can find great deals on monitors and accessories. That means you can score a whole new setup now for less. This Black Friday sale is one you don't want to miss. Head to dell.com/deals. That's dell.com/deals.

• 7:50Pablo Torre?

  I'm pretty sure this won't shock anyone out there, but buying a car is just a hard process. You have to figure out what you want from thousands of options, then you have to find somewhere that's offering a good deal, then you get hit with unexpected fees. But let's just break it down and think about how you describe your ideal car to a friend. You know, something like "good gas mileage, four-wheel drive, reliable, under 30 grand." Luckily, CarGurus makes it that easy. Just describe it to CarGurus the same way. With Guru, you search in your own words and you get listings, real listings, that match. No endless filters, just the car that fits your life. CarGurus also helps you shop with more transparent pricing,

• 8:31Pablo Torre?

  allowing you to see when dealer fees are included so you can compare listings with greater confidence. And with more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car and the right deal. It is no wonder CarGurus is the number one most-visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data. So buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at cargurus.com. Go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S dot com. cargurus.com.

• 9:12Speaker 05

  Verizon FiOS celebrates the holiday hostess with the mostess. When the whole family's over, you've got Verizon FiOS Whole Home Wi-Fi. Fast, reliable, 100% fiber internet in every room. So your little nephews can blast video games on full volume. Your daughter can stream football under the dinner table. And grandpa can turn on the same movie for the third time. A full house with full Wi-Fi coverage. So everyone can do their own thing, together. 100% fiber internet for 100% holiday hosts. Switch to Verizon FiOS today. Whole home Wi-Fi included with all FiOS gig plans. Availability varies.

• 9:50Pablo Torre?

  So I usually know what's happening on my own show.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  You don't. This is a holiday. Look at this. It's clear what's happening. What do you mean you don't know what's happening?

• 9:58Pablo Torre?

  So if you are in fact not yet watching on YouTube or the DraftKings Network, you should know...

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Which you should be watching.

• 10:03Pablo Torre?

  That this studio looks like it has never looked before. It is full of holiday cheer.

• 10:09Speaker 02

  It looks incredible.

• 10:09Pablo Torre?

  By that I mean...

• 10:10Speaker 02

  There's snow behind you.

• 10:11Pablo Torre?

  There's snow behind me. We're both... I did consent to dressing festively.

• 10:17Speaker 02

  I did as well, but only under the premise that I could wear a Heat Culture hoodie.

• 10:21Pablo Torre?

  I want to point out my favorite decoration, which I'm just really noticing in full right now, is that on my microphone, there is an elf of ambiguous ethnic origin. I think this is supposed to be me.

• 10:34Speaker 02

  The calves are not nearly big enough.

• 10:36Pablo Torre?

  Calves are not big enough. Way more vitamin D this elf has. But I've been told, Cortez, the reason that we're doing this is because apparently Christmas is coming up, and I have been nose to the podcast grindstone to the extent that people around this office are concerned that I don't understand the meaning of Christmas.

• 10:56Speaker 02

  You don't?

• 10:57Pablo Torre?

  And that you, apparently...

• 10:59Speaker 02

  That's what I'm here for.

• 11:00Pablo Torre?

  Do.

• 11:02Speaker 02

  Christmas is different to every person, though. That's what you need to understand. So I'm gonna give you what my version of Christmas is.

• 11:06Pablo Torre?

  What I'm about to find out today is Ryan Cortez's guide to Christmas.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 11:11Pablo Torre?

  What is your Christmas like?

• 11:14Speaker 02

  My Christmas is entirely about reality television. It's all I care about. I don't want to see your stupid gingerbread houses and all those bull**** Santa Claus and elves. I don't care. I'll have the Miami Heat big screen, okay? And then four other screens, potentially, reality TV. That's what's going on. It's like Red Zone. Yeah, potentially, potentially.

• 11:36Pablo Torre?

  Just like Minority Report.

• 11:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, like game footage, just studying the tape, nose to the grindstone, just like you. Which, by the way, what is your background with reality TV?

• 11:44Pablo Torre?

  Okay.

• 11:44Speaker 02

  Have you seen Catfish? Like, what have you seen?

• 11:47Pablo Torre?

  I know virtually nothing about, I think, the reality television that you adore. So my wife Liz will watch The Real Housewives. That's her guilty pleasure. When she does that.

• 11:58Speaker 02

  What city does she watch?

• 12:00Pablo Torre?

  What are the choices?

• 12:01Speaker 02

  Wow, you don't even know? What a terrible.

• 12:02Pablo Torre?

  Real Housewives of, um.

• 12:04Speaker 02

  Salt Lake City, Potomac, Atlanta, Miami, Dallas, Dubai.

• 12:09Pablo Torre?

  I can't tell if these are fake.

• 12:10Speaker 02

  Not a single one of those is fake. What are you talking about?

• 12:13Pablo Torre?

  I didn't realize that there was a global operation.

• 12:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:17Pablo Torre?

  Of Housewives.

• 12:18Speaker 02

  Well, look, the thing is, we need to get to like, what I'm gonna change for you, because what you're watching on TV is stupid.

• 12:24Pablo Torre?

  Okay.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  It's not good. And I'm gonna give you stuff to watch that is better.

• 12:28Pablo Torre?

  So you're gonna give me?

• 12:30Speaker 02

  The top five reality TV shows that you must watch over Christmas break instead of indulging in stupid Christmas.

• 12:39Pablo Torre?

  So you have five?

• 12:41Speaker 02

  No, the thing is, I do not like rules.

• 12:44Pablo Torre?

  You don't say.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  I'm not giving you top, I'll give you how many I want. So we're gonna start with an O L I. The Outside Looking In. These are shows that didn't make my cut of top five reality shows, but they're still good shows that you should check out.

• 12:56Pablo Torre?

  So on the outside looking in are these reality programs?

• 13:01Speaker 02

  That's right. I'll give them to you quickly.

• 13:02Pablo Torre?

  These better be holiday spirited.

• 13:04Speaker 02

  Number one, Summer House and Winter House, okay? Same type of show, ones in the summer, ones in the winter. They pack a bunch of people into a house for like two weeks. They get drunk, they hook up with each other, they fight, and they air it across like 10 episodes. It's incredible.

• 13:19Pablo Torre?

  I'm a UK nine.

• 13:23Pablo Torre?

  Just trying to hang out with my wang out. Oh my god! I gotta pee, I gotta pee.

• 13:30Pablo Torre?

  What is the difference between Summer House and Winter House?

• 13:32Speaker 02

  I just told you, one's summer, one's winter. That's it. One time they go in the pool, one time they go in hot tub, and it's cold outside.

• 13:38Pablo Torre?

  So the only difference is that some. Sometimes it's a hot tub.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  And sometimes it's a pool.

• 13:43Pablo Torre?

  It's a pool.

• 13:44Speaker 02

  They're both excellent. I recommend Summer House and Winter House. Number two, Love is Blind. People may have heard of Love is Blind.

• 13:49Pablo Torre?

  Wow, that didn't make your top five. I hear you talk about Love is Blind, a show I've never seen all of the time.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Which speaks to how much this OLI is still important. And Love is Blind is a very interesting show. It's been on Netflix. The premise there, love is blind. You can't see the person that you're talking to. And it's, you know, you're supposed to see, do you really love the person? If you take away physical attraction, that's the experiment.

• 14:08Speaker 06

  I love buying clothes for girls. Yeah, what's your size?

• 14:13Speaker 02

  What the [bleep]?

• 14:16Speaker 06

  Would you like working out?

• 14:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, not a huge fan.

• 14:18Speaker 06

  Really?

• 14:19Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 14:20Speaker 06

  Ooh, I get along best with individuals that do work out. How old are you?

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Thirty-three.

• 14:26Speaker 06

  I prefer dating younger.

• 14:29Speaker 06

  How old are you? I'm thirty-two.

• 14:32Pablo Torre?

  There's a very bizarre sincerity to how much you are like into whether these people like have true feelings for each other.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  Oh, I don't give a [bleep] if they like each other. I'm interested in

• 14:42Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, what are you in for?

• 14:43Speaker 02

  Watching everything go haywire, which it always does.

• 14:47Pablo Torre?

  You're not here for the love.

• 14:48Speaker 02

  No, that's why I don't watch like Golden Bachelor. This is too soft for me. I want chaos. That's what I'm looking for. I want fights. I want sadness and drama. That's what I'm looking for because I'm a sicko.

• 14:59Pablo Torre?

  I agree with that part.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  Okay, Selling Sunset is number three on the OLI.

• 15:03Pablo Torre?

  How many OLI's are there?

• 15:04Speaker 02

  As many as I feel like. Selling Sunset is about these two short kings. Shout out to the short kings. And they're like dating these like giant women. And they're like running all of LA real estate and the women are incredible. They're all the, they are the realtors and they're selling all the houses.

• 15:18Pablo Torre?

  So just to be clear,

• 15:19Speaker 02

  It's an incredible show.

• 15:20Pablo Torre?

  Your, your lead story for Selling Sunset?

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Is that they're short kings.

• 15:23Pablo Torre?

  Is that short guys date tall women?

• 15:25Speaker 02

  Short kings, we're short kings for life.

• 15:27Speaker 03

  So, Michelle, good luck at the Oppenheimer Group. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. I don't want to say it, but you're gonna need it. Okay, dang, girl.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  The show is excellent. You get to see like these incredible looking houses.

• 15:42Pablo Torre?

  I can feel myself getting dumber.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  No, dude, you get to see-

• 15:44Pablo Torre?

  We haven't even made the top five.

• 15:45Speaker 02

  Seventy million dollar houses is absolutely incredible. All right, last on the O L I list, Indian matchmaking.

• 15:51Pablo Torre?

  Indian matchmaking?

• 15:52Speaker 02

  Indian matchmaking goes hard, and they'll go to like this oracle, this woman. And what she does is she reads faces. That's what she does. She'll like look at your face and be like, nah, he's a liar, he's a match for you, yada, yada, yada. She just looks at faces. She never gets anything right. At the end of the season, they're like, she went over four, season two, she went over five.

• 16:10Pablo Torre?

  Matchmaking has become a tough job, but I'm trying my best. So far, I am reading your face-

• 16:18Speaker 02

  And you love it.

• 16:19Pablo Torre?

  And I am prophesizing that you're a moron.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  I have spent a lot of time watching morons. I am not a moron. Number five on my list is Love After Lockup.

• 16:33Pablo Torre?

  Love After Lockup.

• 16:35Speaker 02

  Which they also have a spinoff called Life After Lockup. Now, the premise there is they're dating people in prison. The show is, person X is in jail, and they're like talking to like a pen pal outside of jail. And eventually, they leave jail and go date this person. And, you know, they're not the same person that they think they might want to steal money from this person or whatever. The show is incredible. You don't even look at what I do here in the house with the kids and everything else as even anything.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  She's doing what you're supposed to do, no?

• 17:06Speaker 02

  What I'm supposed to do? And I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. No, no. So when I take $12,000 out of an account, you should just be like, well, damn, he's doing what he's supposed to do. That's all I'm saying. You're in a world population one by yourself. Sometimes they go back to jail, sometimes they go on the run. The show is like R-rated. It's so good.

• 17:25Pablo Torre?

  So just to be clear again, I'm gonna be waking up on Christmas morning. And Violet, my three-year-old, is gonna be like, "Dada, Christmas!" And I'm gonna say, "Come sit next to me on the couch. We're watching Love After Lockup."

• 17:41Speaker 02

  Number four, The Real Housewives entire series.

• 17:48Pablo Torre?

  Wait, the entire series, meaning all of the cities?

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Watch it all. But I would start with Salt Lake City and Potomac. That's where I would start, okay? Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is exceptional because like, one of the cast members, spoiler alert, goes to jail for defrauding the elderly.

• 18:02Speaker 03

  Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star Jen Shaw has been sentenced to six and a half years behind bars. The reality TV star pleaded guilty last year in connection to a telemarketing scheme that allegedly scammed elderly people out of thousands of dollars.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  Sometimes people need to get defrauded. Okay. Also, there is a, you know, character that's pronounced "a cheater", just because of the shape of his head. Square shape, you could tell. You're not a cheater, I could tell. Shape of your head.

• 18:28Pablo Torre?

  I'm, wait, I'm intrigued by this theory. So square, square heads?

• 18:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, you know those people where it's just a square, square head? Like, they look kinda, you know, [BLEEP]ish?

• 18:36Pablo Torre?

  I mean, just the shape of his head, you just can tell he was up to no good. You know some men that just have this shape that you just can tell? Bald heads cheat a lot. Wait, you have the fruit, the bald head is like, wait. He's like, "You, you, you know you cheat."

• 18:54Speaker 02

  Real Housewives is great. Andy Cohen's the man.

• 18:56Pablo Torre?

  I, I,

• 18:57Speaker 02

  You're welcome for the rec.

• 18:58Pablo Torre?

  Okay.

• 18:59Speaker 02

  Number three, Below Deck, the entire franchise.

• 19:04Pablo Torre?

  Below Deck is about what?

• 19:07Speaker 02

  A ship. A giant, picture a giant ship, okay? Below Deck-

• 19:10Pablo Torre?

  What was that voice?

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Don't worry about it. Below Deck-

• 19:12Pablo Torre?

  Is that a nautical seafarer voice that you just tried?

• 19:14Speaker 02

  Captain, dock the ship.

• 19:16Pablo Torre?

  Who is that?

• 19:17Speaker 02

  Don't worry about it.

• 19:18Pablo Torre?

  That Russell Crowe in Master and Commander?

• 19:20Speaker 02

  There's Below Deck, there's Below Deck Mediterranean, there's Below Deck Sailing Knot, there's Below Deck Adventure.

• 19:25Pablo Torre?

  Below Deck Sailing Knot?

• 19:26Speaker 02

  A sailing yacht.

• 19:28Pablo Torre?

  Oh, sailing yacht.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  That's the best one.

• 19:30Pablo Torre?

  Because?

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Well, first of all, watching the boat as it is sailing is actually incredible, because it's like, it's like, dangerous.

• 19:37Pablo Torre?

  I'm not tracking.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Anyway, I was listening to Andy Cohen's radio show the other day. He had on Zach Braff. Zach was talking about how his favorite show on TV is Below Deck.

• 19:46Pablo Torre?

  You help make this show, and you're listening to Andy Cohen's podcast about a show-

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Radio Andy.

• 19:53Pablo Torre?

  -that you also watch.

• 19:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's phenomenal.

• 19:55Pablo Torre?

  Because you like the boat being shaky?

• 19:58Speaker 02

  First of all, you know, there's a whole crew of people. There's an interior, there's an exterior. People interior-

• 20:03Pablo Torre?

  Oh, like an upstairs, downstairs?

• 20:04Speaker 02

  Correct. You know, so you see at work, a dynamic that goes on.

• 20:08Pablo Torre?

  Is it better to be exterior or interior?

• 20:09Speaker 02

  Depends what kind of stuff you like to do. Would you rather, you know, clean beds and clean dishes and serve tables? Or would you rather throw lines and do physical work and clean the boat? That's the difference, okay? That's your interior, exterior.

• 20:21Pablo Torre?

  Okay, I don't like swabbing a deck.

• 20:23Speaker 02

  You see people really working. You see tips from the guests that they have. You see the guests getting drunk and falling down. The show is phenomenal. Number two, 90 Day Fiance.

• 20:35Pablo Torre?

  So we worked on like a half dozen shows together, right? High Noon-

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Highly questionable.

• 20:40Pablo Torre?

  Highly questionable, Levitard Show-

• 20:41Speaker 02

  Debatable.

• 20:42Pablo Torre?

  Debatable, this show. Anyway, the point is, I've been in many sort of like workplaces with you. And 90 Day Fiance-

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Comes up a lot, right?

• 20:52Pablo Torre?

  If I were to generate a word cloud of the things that you and I have talked about, against my will-

• 20:58Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 20:59Pablo Torre?

  Obviously Miami Heat, 1 million point font. 999,000 point font is the [BLEEP].

• 21:06Speaker 02

  90 Day Fiance-

• 21:07Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, the premise of this-

• 21:08Speaker 02

  The premise of it, like a lot of these shows, the premise is in the title. If you're a smart person, you get it, okay? What it is, somebody from another country and you, from America, want to marry. How do you make that happen? With a loophole in the legal system, where you get married in 90 days or less. And we film it and put it on television.

• 21:26Pablo Torre?

  Hold on, I'm gonna guess that, um, things go off the rails.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  There's a Korean dude who came to America and he started calling his girlfriend Piggy. And he said that all Americans are fat.

• 21:35Speaker 06

  You are lazy, so you always get the fast food for lunch.

• 21:42Speaker 06

  No wonder you are Piggy.

• 21:46Speaker 06

  Are you serious? Look at this.

• 21:52Speaker 06

  I'm just saying the truth. You always have pasta for lunch.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  And the family from Iowa had to sit him down and be like, "You can't say piggy."

• 22:04Speaker 02

  There's a woman who's from the Philippines, Rose. She's a nice woman. She decides to date a man named Ed, who also goes by Big Ed. Big Ed washes his hair with mayonnaise.

• 22:15Pablo Torre?

  This is the mayonnaise guy.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, the mayo and the hair guy.

• 22:17Pablo Torre?

  This is the rare short king you do not endorse.

• 22:20Speaker 02

  No, he's not a short king. He's just short. Now, the mayo is something that he thinks makes his hair better, more luscious. He does have good hair. Give him that.

• 22:29Pablo Torre?

  Alright, we're gonna put this on YouTube of the Draftings Network. I don't know how to say this. He's built like a Russian nesting doll. In a few days, I'm getting ready to get on a plane and go meet Rose, the love of my life, for the very first time. Since I've met Rose, I wanna look young for her. So I have been dying my hair, and it irritates my scalp. So I found out that mayonnaise makes it smoother and less dry. Big Ed is as if a cartoon character who got bopped on the head and had his head pushed down into his body.

• 23:12Pablo Torre?

  Never got his head out of his body again. He has zero neck.

• 23:17Speaker 02

  There's also another couple, Paul and Karini. Okay, Karini's from Brazil. Paul put a condom on because he did not want fish to swim up his pee pee in Brazil.

• 23:28Pablo Torre?

  So, so he was swimming?

• 23:32Speaker 02

  He was, yes, he was gonna jump in this river, and he was afraid of fish swimming up his pee pee. So he put on a condom.

• 23:37Pablo Torre?

  Please stop saying that.

• 23:38Speaker 02

  And pee pee. And that clip-

• 23:40Pablo Torre?

  As the son of a urologist.

• 23:41Speaker 02

  That clip-

• 23:42Pablo Torre?

  Please stop saying pee pee.

• 23:43Speaker 02

  Has 3 million views.

• 23:44Pablo Torre?

  What clip?

• 23:45Speaker 02

  The clip of him putting on a condom to go jump in the river.

• 23:48Pablo Torre?

  This is a clip?

• 23:49Speaker 02

  It's a clip.

• 23:50Pablo Torre?

  We cannot, do not show this. Do not call for this clip.

• 23:54Speaker 06

  So, uh, I'm gonna put this on first. Taste that fish. Just to the waiter. And I have this little penis, I guess like a sheath protection bag. And I put a condom on, have that to hold that on. Definitely don't want nothing swimming up my penis.

• 24:10Pablo Torre?

  I cannot believe we just showed that clip.

• 24:11Speaker 02

  The clip was great.

• 24:12Pablo Torre?

  This is a holiday episode?

• 24:14Speaker 02

  Allegedly. Number one. Vanderpump Rules.

• 24:18Pablo Torre?

  Yeah!

• 24:20Speaker 02

  Let's go!

• 24:20Pablo Torre?

  I've never heard Vanderpump Rules pronounced like a call to arms.

• 24:25Speaker 02

  Shout out to DJ James Kennedy, shout out to Ariana. It's a great show.

• 24:30Pablo Torre?

  Who are these people?

• 24:30Speaker 02

  What a great show, what a great show. It's in season 11, okay, season 11 kicks off January 30th. You have time to catch up.

• 24:37Pablo Torre?

  If January 30th-

• 24:38Speaker 02

  Season 11.

• 24:39Pablo Torre?

  Is the beginning of season 11.

• 24:40Speaker 02

  That's right.

• 24:41Pablo Torre?

  And if you were to summarize the previous 10 seasons-

• 24:44Speaker 02

  Oh my god, the best reality TV.

• 24:45Pablo Torre?

  For someone who has never seen but has heard certainly of Lisa Vanderpump.

• 24:48Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 24:49Pablo Torre?

  Who again, seems like an auto-generated name. You would say that I have missed what?

• 24:56Speaker 02

  The premise is, it's a bunch of young people that work at a restaurant. Immediately you find out in season 2 and 3 and 4 and so forth, it's not what the show's about. The show's just about these people fighting and having sex with each other and cheating on each other and punching each other and getting nose jobs. There's a giant cheating scandal in this show.

• 25:14Pablo Torre?

  I've made it. I've almost made it, I should say, to the end. I've almost made it to 2024 without knowing what the scam, Scamdevol?

• 25:22Speaker 02

  Scandival?

• 25:23Pablo Torre?

  Sc- of course, Scandival. Is.

• 25:26Speaker 02

  You get it? Tom Sandoval? Scandal?

• 25:28Pablo Torre?

  I, I, I don't actually get any of it.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 25:31Pablo Torre?

  What should I know?

• 25:32Speaker 02

  About Scandival?

• 25:33Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 25:33Speaker 02

  Yo, it's the most famous cheating scandal of all time, okay?

• 25:36Pablo Torre?

  Of all time.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Of all time, bro.

• 25:38Pablo Torre?

  Houston Astros. Black Sox.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Doesn't hold a candle to this. Tom Sandoval, dead to me, and he's dead to America, okay? So Tom Sandoval cheated on his longtime girlfriend. They were not married, but despicable act because he did it with a friend, did it for months long while he was on camera. The crazy thing is that you get to see it play out in season 10. Like, it's all, it's all, you get to see it all happen in real time.

• 26:03Pablo Torre?

  We became really good friends. Like, I was seeking something that I wasn't getting here. And that's selfish, that's really selfish.

• 26:10Speaker 03

  Selfish is the nicest word you could use.

• 26:13Pablo Torre?

  It's horrible. Me and Raquel became like really good friends.

• 26:16Speaker 03

  I don't give a **** about **** Raquel!

• 26:21Speaker 03

  Your friendship is **** bull-

• 26:23Pablo Torre?

  No, it's not!

• 26:23Speaker 03

  Yes, it is!

• 26:24Pablo Torre?

  No, it's **** not!

• 26:25Speaker 03

  It's bull-

• 26:26Pablo Torre?

  You know everything, you know everything! Hey, everybody!

• 26:29Speaker 03

  You are disgusting!

• 26:30Pablo Torre?

  This person knows everything!

• 26:31Speaker 03

  Your friendship with Raquel is disgusting!

• 26:34Pablo Torre?

  You cannot tell, well, guess what? It's real because she treats me with **** respect.

• 26:39Speaker 02

  I haven't gotten from you in a long time.

• 26:42Pablo Torre?

  How much time would you say you've spent watching?

• 26:44Speaker 02

  As soon as we're done here, I'm gonna go watch some more reality TV. I got Potomac and Real Housewives of Miami on the mind.

• 26:50Pablo Torre?

  You're telling me that the true meaning of Christmas? Is that a dude without a neck who puts mayonnaise in his hair? Who got into a legal quote unquote relationship with a woman from the Philippines?

• 27:08Speaker 02

  Of course it's legal, 90 days.

• 27:10Pablo Torre?

  The star in the north that I should be following?

• 27:13Speaker 02

  Instead?

• 27:14Pablo Torre?

  Towards the manger of Christmas cheer.

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Instead, Violet Earmost, you wanna like follow some fake old guy with a beard? And pull out some stupid tree? And drive it to Rockefeller Center and pray to and shit like? That's more important to you than like Real Housewives? And Love After Lockup? Come on, man. Prison Love? Come on.

• 27:36Speaker 02

  The fuck was that? That was not a knock?

• 27:38Pablo Torre?

  The sound that I am hearing right now?

• 27:41Speaker 02

  Is the producers telling us to stop talking about this?

• 27:44Pablo Torre?

  Well, it's also the sound of someone knocking on the door.

• 27:47Speaker 02

  Wow, someone's trying to barge in here and take over this?

• 27:50Pablo Torre?

  And I cannot imagine how we could possibly improve on what it is that I've been finding out so far.

• 27:55Speaker 02

  Let's find out who it is.

• 28:05Pablo Torre?

  Did you know over 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated? And 90% don't get enough potassium, which is a key electrolyte responsible for energy, muscle function, and clear thinking? Well, that's why you can be drinking water all day and still feel tired or foggy or just off. And while most hydration packs really load up on the sugar? Instant hydration contains zero sugar. There's no glucose spike and no sugar crash. And that is really important to me. Because it not only gives me electrolytes without loading me up with sugar? But it also helps me avoid that late afternoon crash. You know, that time of day when your eyes start drooping as you reply to yet another email? And you need something to get you back on track. Just mix a packet of Instant Hydration with water,

• 28:49Pablo Torre?

  and I am feeling ready to push through to the end of the day. For a better way to stay hydrated, go to instanthydration.com/ptfo and use my promo code PTFO for over 40% off your first subscription order. It's Instant Hydration's best offer available. That's instanthydration.com/ptfo, promo code PTFO. Life in 2026 is tough. We all have our struggles and we could all use some help. But trying to figure out how to get the right mental health treatment for you can feel overwhelming. Talkiatory helps you move from "I know I need help" to actually having a psychiatrist who listens and a clear personalized treatment plan.

• 29:32Pablo Torre?

  Talkiatory is 100% online psychiatry practice that provides comprehensive evaluations, diagnoses, and ongoing medication management for conditions like ADHD, anxiety, depression, and more. With Talkiatory, you can meet with a licensed psychiatrist who takes the time to understand what's going on, builds a personalized treatment plan, and supports you over time with consistent, evidence-based care. And all 800-plus clinicians are in-network with major insurers, so you can use your existing insurance instead of paying monthly subscriptions or out-of-network costs. Head to talkiatory.com/ptfo to complete the short assessment and get matched with an in-network psychiatrist in just a few minutes.

• 30:14Pablo Torre?

  That's T-A-L-K-I-A-T-R-Y.com/ptfo to get matched in minutes. Talkiatory.com/ptfo. Cozy makes furniture for the part of life that nobody warns you about. Getting the couch into the room, making the room feel like you, then actually living on it, spills it all. With Cozy, your home can grow with you by adapting to new spaces, new styles, and every era of your life. It's modular furniture, so you can actively adjust your furniture to fit any space. It's all built around making the entire home comfortable and easy, so that your stuff works with your life, not around it. The covers are washable and interchangeable, so a refresh is only one wash away, and the spill goes from panic to shrug.

• 30:57Pablo Torre?

  And it all ships to your door in easy-to-move boxes. Plus, Cozy's free one-on-one design consultations make the whole home vision a lot less intimidating. Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan, because Cozy makes every part of the process easy. So, visit Cozy today, that's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com, and make yourself at home.

• 31:23Pablo Torre?

  We work in an office. People can wander by and hear something that they vehemently object to.

• 31:32Pablo Torre?

  Apparently in the spirit of Christmas. Yes. Hi. Hello, Charlotte Wilder. It's me, Charlotte Wilder. I have, I have to talk to you, Ryan Cortez.

• 31:39Speaker 02

  Hello.

• 31:40Pablo Torre?

  My reality show, Brother in Arms. Oh, God. How could you leave off Selling O.C., even from an O-L-I and Perfect Match, two Netflix shows of maximum chaos?

• 31:51Speaker 02

  I'll give you Selling O.C. as a legitimate misfire by me. I'm not including Selling O.C. as a spinoff of Selling Sunset.

• 32:00Pablo Torre?

  Let me guess, it's a show where a bunch of people who are insane do insane things.

• 32:04Speaker 02

  That's right. Perfect Match, I still don't know if I would put it in my O-L-I. My O-L-I, it's, it's hard to make it. It's hard to make my O-L-I.

• 32:12Pablo Torre?

  Perfect Match is, they take everybody from the Netflix reality family, because it is a family. They all love each other and care about each other very much, probably. And then they put them on an island and then they all have to hook up with each other.

• 32:25Speaker 02

  Sounds like all the shows I named.

• 32:27Pablo Torre?

  So, I will love, though, I, I should say that there is like a holiday spectacular vibe to that. It's like all the people that you've seen gather in one place to do something special. We're gonna do some non-reality stuff, right? Yeah, well, I was like, is this supposed to be a Christmas episode? And producers were like, yeah. And I was like, I better come in and save this thing because what, why are we talking about Below Deck? So, my mom's Jewish. My dad's not. So, I grew up doing Christmas. Did you guys, to what extent did your parents go through with Santa, the performance of Santa? So, my parents didn't. I would go to my cousin's house with my dad and my mom would meet us there later because she was like, I'm Jewish. I don't love this. I felt

• 33:12Pablo Torre?

  sort of cut out of this my whole life. Like, why should I suddenly buy in? And like, when I asked my mom if Santa was real, she goes, you want me to tell you what you want to hear or do you want me to tell you the truth?

• 33:25Speaker 03

  So as I enjoyed Christmas, as I got older and sort of realized how she felt about it, I was like, I felt sort of guilty for liking Christmas. Even though she was like, great, go for it. Like, love Christmas, who cares?

• 33:36Pablo Torre?

  I, I got the whole thing of like cookies in the morning that had like bites taken out of them, a note with penmanship, like, you know, curlicued calligraphy of, of, of a Santa Clausian manner. The whole deal, like milk glass. My, my parents went through the whole thing.

• 33:54Speaker 03

  See, I love that because I was also, I was best friends with the tooth fairy. I would write her letters, like even if I didn't lose a tooth, I'd be like, someone for the tooth fairy tonight. Mo was like, oh, okay. So like the Santa stuff, like my aunt and uncle, they would take a bite out of a carrot that we would leave for the reindeer.

• 34:08Pablo Torre?

  Yes.

• 34:09Speaker 03

  I was so all in.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  Christmas is kind of stupid. Like I, I don't, you know, when I was a kid, I was like an investigative journalist as like a four or five year old. Like I could smell the bull**** that this wasn't true. So I was always asking around, you know, like, and I had some older friends and they eventually told me, you know, it's not true. And then I was going around telling people, you know, the **** is not real, right?

• 34:30Pablo Torre?

  Of course you were.

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Because people need to know the truth. That's what we do now as journalists, right? But if I do it as a kid, it's a bad thing with Santa? Come on.

• 34:37Speaker 03

  I just love that you're, you've been so consistent your whole life.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  I agree.

• 34:42Speaker 03

  That's really cool, Cortez.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 34:44Pablo Torre?

  You are bringing us your cataloging.

• 34:47Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:48Pablo Torre?

  Of, of the songs of the most popular holiday.

• 34:52Speaker 03

  Well, so you know how Cortez said that he was told to make a top five list and said, I'm going to do whatever I want? I was not told to make any list and I made a top five list and I made two of them because as I was trying to come here to tell you guys.

• 35:04Pablo Torre?

  List.

• 35:04Speaker 03

  No.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  It's like a teacher's.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Two separate top five lists.

• 35:08Speaker 02

  I don't do homework. She does too much homework.

• 35:10Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, I was looking at Cortez's computer screen. It was just, uh, iTunes.

• 35:15Speaker 02

  It was like 90 Day Fiance, colon, cheaters. Like that's all I had.

• 35:18Speaker 03

  Mine's like a multi-page Google Doc. Oh my God.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Bro, that's a lot of words in there.

• 35:23Speaker 03

  Okay, well, you know, I want.

• 35:24Speaker 02

  Need an editor. So.

• 35:25Speaker 03

  God damn it, Cortez. So I, I wanted to tell you guys why I hate Christmas. Songs, but then I realized I like them, so I just made two lists of my favorite Christmas songs.

• 35:33Pablo Torre?

  So I failed to understand how this is not a top 10 list.

• 35:36Speaker 03

  What part of it don't you understand? It is two top five lists, two separate lists. One is a list, Christmas song, Christmas songs. The other one is good songs that aren't just Christmas songs, but that are Christmas songs.

• 35:51Pablo Torre?

  Hmm.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  Very confusing list.

• 35:52Pablo Torre?

  So songs that have, okay, no, this makes sense.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 35:55Pablo Torre?

  Songs that have the behavior of Christmas songs. And Christmas songs, it's a difference, it's a difference between being a racist and someone who's doing racist things.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  I see, it's like 90 Day Fiance, 90 Day Fiance the other way.

• 36:05Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 36:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 36:06Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:08Pablo Torre?

  We can all agree on that.

• 36:09Speaker 03

  The songs that aren't Christmas songs, but are Christmas songs are songs you can listen to all year round.

• 36:13Pablo Torre?

  Hmm, okay.

• 36:14Speaker 03

  Okay, number five, New York, New York by Frank Sinatra.

• 36:19Speaker 02

  I've heard of that guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. New York, I can't do too much, I don't get fined, but. Start spreading the news.

• 36:26Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 36:26Speaker 03

  Is that it?

• 36:27Pablo Torre?

  So.

• 36:27Speaker 03

  Or is that a different Frank Sinatra song?

• 36:29Speaker 02

  They all sound the same.

• 36:30Pablo Torre?

  This is confusing to me.

• 36:32Speaker 02

  Fly me to the moon.

• 36:35Pablo Torre?

  New York, New York, I have heard at the conclusion of every Yankee game I've ever been to. I've never once thought this is the spirit of Christmas.

• 36:44Speaker 03

  Really? I, Frank Sinatra, to me, Christmas is like dark and cozy and that's, I feel like Frank Sinatra should be played in a steakhouse with like a low ceiling and a lot of leather. And that feels like Christmas to me. If you asked me to describe Christmas, it'd be a steakhouse.

• 36:58Pablo Torre?

  Number one has to be steak.

• 37:00Speaker 03

  Keens in New York City.

• 37:03Pablo Torre?

  Number two has a low ceiling. Number three, we can all agree, lots of leather.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 37:09Pablo Torre?

  Okay.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Four is a song, Wintering by the 1975.

• 37:16Pablo Torre?

  Did you just Google like Christmas related words into like a song, into like lyrics A to Z?

• 37:25Speaker 03

  I can, maybe.

• 37:27Pablo Torre?

  Very good.

• 37:28Speaker 03

  Okay, number three, Tis the Damn Season by Taylor Swift. Thank you.

• 37:35Speaker 03

  Is this the most confident Christmas episode anybody's ever made?

• 37:38Pablo Torre?

  This is definitely a, I can't even say it's definitely a Christmas episode at this rate. What it, so this song is about?

• 37:46Speaker 03

  Somebody who, who has left her hometown and goes to the big city to try and make it. And then she goes back home and it's about, you know, she's staying at her parents' house. And it's like the person she loved from home still lives there and drives a truck. Um, that's pretty much it. But tis the damn season, which feels sort of Christmasy, right?

• 38:05Pablo Torre?

  Mmm.

• 38:06Speaker 03

  I think it's about Christmas.

• 38:06Pablo Torre?

  So this feels like, this is, this is the Die Hard is a Christmas movie of Christmas songs.

• 38:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, but like a little more Christmasy.

• 38:13Pablo Torre?

  Okay.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  I've also never seen Die Hard.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 38:16Pablo Torre?

  This all makes sense.

• 38:17Speaker 02

  I'm gonna give a quick take. Taylor Swift, overrated. Just throwing that out there.

• 38:20Pablo Torre?

  Jesus, man.

• 38:22Speaker 03

  Big thumbs down to that one.

• 38:23Speaker 02

  Never heard it, but like the hype is so high, it can't be that good. It just can't be.

• 38:26Speaker 03

  I'm gonna send you, I'm gonna make you a playlist of the best ones.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Is it grunge? I'm only listening to one thing now and it's grunge. I'm not listening to Christmas music.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:34Pablo Torre?

  Cause he was listening to [BLEEP] Alice in Chains before this recording started.

• 38:38Speaker 03

  Does Alice in Chains have a Christmas song?

• 38:42Speaker 02

  It's called Rooster.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  Anyway, number two, The Day After Tomorrow by Phoebe Bridgers.

• 38:49Pablo Torre?

  Great movie.

• 38:50Speaker 02

  Never seen it.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  Which is a cover of a Tom Waits song. Absolutely beautiful. Highly recommend.

• 38:56Pablo Torre?

  This is the song where the real villain is the weather.

• 39:00Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 39:01Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:01Pablo Torre?

  Ever seen that one? Like the wolves show up?

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Who's in that? Is that Tom Cruise?

• 39:05Pablo Torre?

  Dennis Quaid.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Dennis Quaid?

• 39:07Pablo Torre?

  Dennis Quaid.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  So yes.

• 39:08Pablo Torre?

  Day After Tomorrow. That's not what this song is about, is what you're saying.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  The Day After Tomorrow is, or Day After Tomorrow is one of the saddest songs.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  You guys have heard like 2X Speed on podcasts? That's what I would do to that song.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  It was slow.

• 39:23Speaker 03

  Which is beautiful.

• 39:26Pablo Torre?

  There are feelings in that one. There are real feelings that Charlotte clearly feels and you're trying to just fast forward through them like it's a, like it's a ball spray ad.

• 39:35Speaker 02

  The quicker I could get to reality TV, the better.

• 39:37Pablo Torre?

  Okay. Charlotte?

• 39:39Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 39:39Pablo Torre?

  Your number one of your list of songs that are not Christmas songs, but have the behavior of Christmas songs is?

• 39:48Speaker 03

  Close enough, yes. Number one, So Much Wine by Phoebe Bridgers.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  Even sadder song.

• 39:59Speaker 03

  Even more beautiful song.

• 40:01Pablo Torre?

  Double Phoebe Bridgers.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Which is a cover of The Handsome Family.

• 40:06Pablo Torre?

  This is sad, this song. Not your list, although. "When you burnt your hair and knocked over chairs, I just tried to stay out of your way."

• 40:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 40:15Pablo Torre?

  "But when you fell asleep with blood on your teeth, I just got in my car and drove away." So I've been trying to like, explain, um, hopefully at the end of this episode, what Christmas means to my three-year-old.

• 40:26Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 40:27Pablo Torre?

  So I don't know if Violet's gonna necessarily appreciate the nuances.

• 40:33Speaker 03

  See, it's a pretty song and she probably won't listen to the words that close. Or you could sing the tune and make up new words for her.

• 40:42Speaker 03

  You know?

• 40:42Speaker 02

  She's gotta grow up quick. Enough of this like dilly-dally.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  Cortez knew Santa wasn't real when he was four, Pablo.

• 40:47Speaker 02

  Stop treating her like a three-year-old.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Tell her the truth.

• 40:52Pablo Torre?

  Tell her the goddamn truth.

• 40:53Speaker 03

  Okay, second list, actual Christmas songs?

• 40:56Pablo Torre?

  Please.

• 40:57Speaker 03

  Or, as I wrote down, Christmas song, Christmas songs?

• 40:59Pablo Torre?

  Christmas song, Christmas songs.

• 41:00Speaker 03

  All right, starting, O-L-I.

• 41:02Pablo Torre?

  Okay.

• 41:02Speaker 03

  "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."

• 41:04Pablo Torre?

  I know that one.

• 41:05Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's a fun one, right?

• 41:06Pablo Torre?

  That's sort of like-

• 41:07Speaker 03

  Rockin' around... Are we gonna get sued if I sing that one? I think I-

• 41:11Pablo Torre?

  Is-

• 41:11Speaker 03

  I think I've gotten better at singing. I can't sing.

• 41:13Pablo Torre?

  Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" public domain?

• 41:18Speaker 02

  Sing it, don't be a coward. Let's go.

• 41:20Speaker 03

  Rockin' around the Christmas tree.

• 41:25Pablo Torre?

  It is! Keep going!

• 41:26Speaker 03

  Dress so merrily around the town. Christmas won't be Christmas if we're flying in a car.

• 41:40Speaker 03

  That's how it goes, right? Yeah, so that's my O-L-I. Number four, "Santa Tell Me" by Ariana Grande.

• 41:51Pablo Torre?

  So this is number five?

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Nope.

• 41:55Pablo Torre?

  You, you didn't, you didn't pick a fifth one.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  No, I have a fifth one. I just, I just, it's after the- Page break on my Google Doc.

• 42:04Pablo Torre?

  So, okay. So, um.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  I can make this fo- I can make this five and switch five to four.

• 42:12Pablo Torre?

  Number five?

• 42:13Speaker 03

  Number five, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," the Bruce Springsteen version.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  The Boss.

• 42:21Pablo Torre?

  The Boss. I respect this choice.

• 42:23Speaker 03

  Thank you. It's an incredible song, the way he sings it with that sandpaper voice. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town.

• 42:33Pablo Torre?

  This is feeling Christmasy-er.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Are we getting somewhere?

• 42:36Pablo Torre?

  We are getting somewhere.

• 42:36Speaker 03

  Okay. Number three, "Fairy Tale Of Philadelphia" by the Kelsey Brothers.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  You know how Jason Kelsey did a Christmas album with the Eagles?

• 42:47Pablo Torre?

  You're putting this number three.

• 42:50Speaker 02

  Philadelphia, horrible city. Waste of time. Stupid people, bad food.

• 42:55Pablo Torre?

  I am mad that he's actually good at singing, deep in his baritone.

• 43:01Speaker 03

  Oops, that's not okay.

• 43:04Speaker 03

  Okay, we can't keep talking about this because number two is "Fairy Tale Of New York" by the Pogues.

• 43:09Pablo Torre?

  Which is a classic. R.I.P.

• 43:11Speaker 03

  Shane McGowan.

• 43:12Pablo Torre?

  R.I.P. That guy. Legend.

• 43:14Speaker 03

  Which is the song, this is the song that number three, "Fairy Tale Of Philadelphia," is based on.

• 43:17Pablo Torre?

  Yes, Shane McGowan. I watched a video of the, his funeral.

• 43:21Speaker 03

  Yes, me too.

• 43:22Pablo Torre?

  And they played "Fairy Tale Of New York," and I legitimately teared up.

• 43:24Speaker 03

  Me too. I cried.

• 43:25Pablo Torre?

  This is not number one?

• 43:27Speaker 03

  Nope, it's number two.

• 43:28Speaker 02

  Isn't the Pogues from Outer Banks Netflix reality show?

• 43:32Pablo Torre?

  I don't know what you're talking about, but I feel confident in saying the answer is no.

• 43:36Speaker 02

  Answer's yes. There's a family called the Pogues.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  How do they spell it?

• 43:39Speaker 02

  P-O-G-S.

• 43:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:41Pablo Torre?

  That is not how they spell it here.

• 43:43Speaker 02

  It's close.

• 43:43Pablo Torre?

  It is, I guess technically, close. What's number one?

• 43:48Speaker 03

  Number one is "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey.

• 43:54Speaker 03

  That is an absolute-

• 43:56Pablo Torre?

  Banger. I want to be cynical about this choice because in some ways it is the most obvious choice.

• 44:08Pablo Torre?

  But listening to that song does make me feel things. Yeah, it's also the best choice. Some things are popular for a reason, like this song and Taylor Swift.

• 44:20Speaker 02

  Oh god, enough with Taylor Swift.

• 44:22Pablo Torre?

  Have you, you know this song though?

• 44:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 44:25Pablo Torre?

  How you, how's it go?

• 44:26Speaker 02

  What's the title again?

• 44:27Pablo Torre?

  All I Want For Christmas Is You.

• 44:32Pablo Torre?

  Sing it. I know the jingle. You can try and speak it.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  All I want for Christmas is you. And then Rydell Carey dances.

• 44:37Pablo Torre?

  I'm trying to think how it starts, actually. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. The snow's coming down. No. Christmas. What? I'm watching. Oh, is that not it? That is not. What am I singing? What am I singing?

• 44:59Pablo Torre?

  Oh, I'm feeling different feelings. Did you just make up a Christmas song? Oh shit. I was singing Christmas Baby Please Come Home, also by Rydell Carey. Oh.

• 45:11Pablo Torre?

  I feel like no one has ever mixed up what All I Want For Christmas Is You is before. Yeah. Yeah, that was embarrassing for ya boy.

• 45:24Pablo Torre?

  We need to find a song we can play in full that we have the rights to. You want me to Google rights-free Christmas songs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about this?

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Now we're talking. Hey, hell yeah.

• 45:46Pablo Torre?

  My nuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost sniffing at my ass. Jesus Christ. This is Greg Cody?

• 46:01Speaker 02

  This goes hard, that's what I'm talking about.

• 46:11Pablo Torre?

  Cortez.

• 46:24Speaker 02

  Beautiful tune. Go on, Greg.

• 46:38Pablo Torre?

  Greg Cody has a shockingly good voice. Yeah, he sounds incredible. It gets drunker from there. Spoiler alert. Wipe out both my lists. There is only one good Christmas song. Greg Cody, whatever that was. The Mariah Carey of Metal Lark Media. Some might say.

• 47:15Pablo Torre?

  So as I sit at my keyboard contemplating the meaning of Christmas, the meaning of the holiday season, I should say even more specifically as a buffet Catholic who does, I guess, consider the technical definition of Christmas an open and shut matter. It's the birth of Jesus Christ. I realize that the meaning of the season isn't actually up to me. I've sort of misinterpreted this whole exercise, I realize now, because it's clear, having talked to Cortez and Charlotte, that Christmas is a social holiday. What does this mean? It means that it is up to

• 47:56Pablo Torre?

  the people around us to tell us what it means to them or to show us. Because what we're about to do this holiday season, what we hopefully have already been doing, is enjoying other people enjoying something, which is such a rare treat in life these days, or maybe always, all days. Because it's a sanctioned opportunity to enjoy other people enjoying something, whether it is the music, the break from work, the reality television, the god awful reality television they're about to watch. Other people are what make this time of year so beautiful and also for those of us who are alone which is many of us

• 48:40Pablo Torre?

  it makes it so tough as well because it is a social holiday about enjoying other people enjoying the holiday it's a bit tautological but I think it's also the point

• 48:55Pablo Torre?

  and so what does Christmas mean to me I should probably ask one more person one more source to to tell me what they think

• 49:07Pablo Torre?

  what's your name you have to introduce yourself Violet how old are you

• 49:12Pablo Torre?

  three three and what is the meaning of Christmas

• 49:20Pablo Torre?

  it's a holiday that's right and and Violet's favorite part of Christmas is the trees the trees and garlands and wreaths and garlands and wreaths and stockings and stockings Jingle bells you want to sing it for everyone yeah I loud this time loud this time yeah okay Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way All the way, it's the way the world has always been hey Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

• 50:03Pablo Torre?

  All the way, it's the way the world has always been hey that's a great job

• 50:13Pablo Torre?

  and it likes poo poo okay any other thoughts for everybody listening to the show about what they should hear from you before you go

• 50:26Pablo Torre?

  don't say it poo poo

• 50:32Pablo Torre?

  whisper Saying it still means you're saying it. Merry Christmas.

• 50:43Pablo Torre?

  And whatever holiday you are celebrating this time of year, thank you for enjoying it with us. Thank you to Booshambi, the greatest voice in baseball, for being the voice at the top of the show, for our Christmas poem. Thank you to the staff of Pablo Torre Finds Out, the greatest staff in sports podcasting. Because I could not do this without Michael Antonucci, Ryan Cortez, Sam Daywig, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Lohman, Rachel Miller Howard, Ethan Schreier, Carl Scott, Matt Sullivan, Chris Tumanello, and Juliet Warren. Studio engineering, of course, by RG Systems. Post-production by NGW Post. Our theme song, as always, by Jean Bravo.

• 51:24Pablo Torre?

  This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Meadowlark Media production. And I'll talk to you next time.

• 51:47Pablo Torre?

  My most annoying friend growing up, her mom loved Michael Buble, so I hate Michael Buble. Michael Buble is a basic [BLEEP].

• 51:54Speaker 02

  I just look at the name, it looks like Bubble. That's all I think about. Michael Bubble.

• 52:00Speaker 02

  I don't even know what his music is.

• 52:03Pablo Torre?

  Mikey Bubs? Mikey Bubs. Mikey Boobs? I found, I found out that Ryan Cortez's favorite TV shows make me feel the way that Phoebe Bridgers' songs sound.

• 52:18Speaker 02

  The one from Fleabag. You learned that mayo is good for your hair?

• 52:22Pablo Torre?

  I did. Have you?

• 52:24Speaker 02

  No, I'm not trying. I hate mayo.

• 52:26Pablo Torre?

  Mayo's delicious. I like it, and I'm not gonna put it in my hair.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  Right.

• 52:30Pablo Torre?

  I am off of, I am like, not shampooing my hair anymore. Oh. Because, thank you.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  You've always had good hair, but that seems like not a clean thing to do. But you gotta wash it like once a week or something, right?

• 52:44Pablo Torre?

  Nah. Is it called a co-wash?

• 52:47Speaker 02

  Wait, what did you say you're not doing?

• 52:49Pablo Torre?

  So I am washing it. But not shampooing it.

• 52:53Speaker 02

  Not shampoo.

• 52:54Pablo Torre?

  Like washing with soap? Nah, no.

• 52:56Speaker 02

  So you're just putting water in it?

• 52:57Pablo Torre?

  Yeah.

• 52:58Speaker 02

  No soap? So you're not washing it?

• 52:59Pablo Torre?

  You're getting your hair wet. No, I think we're not. I think we're not.

• 53:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:03Pablo Torre?

  We're not agreeing on what wash means.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I agree. You're watering it like a plant.

• 53:06Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Washing it involves soap.

• 53:07Pablo Torre?

  Paula waters his hair.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  You can't wash something without soap.

• 53:10Pablo Torre?

  Absolutely.

• 53:11Speaker 02

  I don't think that's good. I think you need to wash it with soap at least like once a week. And I think probably more than that.

• 53:18Pablo Torre?

  Dries it out.

• 53:18Speaker 02

  Alright, I'm gonna Google this. How often should you put soap in your hair?

• 53:25Pablo Torre?

  Thanks.

• 53:28Pablo Torre?

  You know, I'm like, oh, I don't feel like washing my hair. But I feel like- Like today, I was like, I should probably wash my hair before I'm on camera. And I was like, no. Your hair looks great. Thank you. It's shiny. It looks healthy. Yeah, cuz I haven't washed it. That's what I'm saying!

• 53:42Speaker 02

  Okay, it says that you should, you know, you don't have to wash it every day or every other day. But that's all it says. It doesn't say like you should just not wash it ever again.

• 53:49Pablo Torre?

  So so far, if you say you don't have to wash it every day or every other day, what other days are left?

• 53:54Speaker 02

  Okay, the day after that. Like, you can't just go two weeks without washing. You know how bad that smells?

• 53:58Pablo Torre?

  You're saying, I should wash it the day after tomorrow.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  You should probably wash it right now if you haven't washed it in a week. How long has it been since you put soap in your head?

• 54:08Pablo Torre?

  Soap?

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:10Pablo Torre?

  Once a month.

• 54:11Speaker 02

  Okay, so we've stumbled upon the answer. You do it once per month is when you decide.

• 54:15Pablo Torre?

  When do you start? Because I get a haircut. No, sorry, every three weeks. I get a haircut every three weeks. You do a haircut every three weeks? Every three weeks. God, men are wild. How often do you get a haircut? Oh, just, you know, twice a year, three times a year. What? Whenever I feel like it. Whenever I start to feel like a horse girl is when I get my haircut.

• 54:39Speaker 02

  That's weird. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that. I mean, it's working for you. Your hair is certainly better than mine, but I feel like that's not-

• 54:45Pablo Torre?

  I didn't wanna say anything.

• 54:46Speaker 02

  I get it, you know? But still, I don't feel like not putting soap ever.

• 54:50Pablo Torre?

  Your beard looks great.

• 54:51Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 54:52Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, I mean.

• 54:54Speaker 02

  Anyway.

• 54:55Pablo Torre?

  I'm-

• 54:56Speaker 02

  I would consider doing it maybe like every other week? Maybe? Every week, even?

• 55:01Pablo Torre?

  Probably not gonna do that. Probably gonna do it less, just to spite you now.

• 55:05Speaker 02

  That's gross.

• 55:06Pablo Torre?

  Most iconic haircuts, go! Meg Ryan. Yep. Jennifer Aniston, Friends? Yep. Okay.

• 55:12Speaker 02

  The Rock.

• 55:16Pablo Torre?

  Like the flat top?

• 55:19Pablo Torre?

  Like the one with the chain? Or he's like standing with the fanny pack?

• 55:22Speaker 02

  Barry Melrose?

• 55:25Pablo Torre?

  Yo, let me tell you something.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  Good hair?

• 55:28Pablo Torre?

  Barry Melrose ain't shampoo and shit.

• 55:31Speaker 02

  Bro, he's doing it more than once a month. That's not normal behavior.

• 55:35Pablo Torre?

  We're gonna find out how often Barry Melrose shampoos his hair. The answer is zero times a year.

• 55:40Speaker 02

  I get Barry Melrose and Barry Manilow confused.

• 55:43Pablo Torre?

  I don't know if they're two more different Barry's.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Who the hell is Barry Manilow? I've heard of that. I'm not even sure. He's a musician.

• 55:48Pablo Torre?

  Who the hell is Barry Manilow?

• 55:49Speaker 02

  Not even totally sure. Is it a musician or an actor? I think he's like Michael Buble.

• 55:54Pablo Torre?

  I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something. I just put into YouTube Barry Manilow. You know what the autocomplete was?

• 56:01Speaker 02

  What?

• 56:01Pablo Torre?

  For the next...

• 56:02Speaker 02

  I don't even know the race of this person now that I think about it.

• 56:04Pablo Torre?

  What race do you think Barry Manilow is?

• 56:10Speaker 02

  That feels like a trap. I'm guessing he's very old.

• 56:14Pablo Torre?

  Doesn't look it.

• 56:15Speaker 02

  He might be dead already.

• 56:16Pablo Torre?

  He is alive.

• 56:17Speaker 02

  Really? I feel like that's an old name.

• 56:20Pablo Torre?

  It is an old name, but we digress. He is 80 years old.

• 56:24Speaker 02

  Yo, he looks like Bon Jovi. Is he Martin Short?

• 56:26Pablo Torre?

  He looks like a Martin Short character.

• 56:27Speaker 02

  Martin Short in Bon Jovi.

• 56:29Pablo Torre?

  That's actually pretty dead on.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  I nailed it.

• 56:32Pablo Torre?

  The words that come up when you autocomplete Barry Manilow? Barry Manilow Christmas Songs.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  He's a singer. This just came full circle.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  I learned something on the show. Oh, he sang Copacabana. Cortez, you know that song? Is that like Casablanca? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:56Pablo Torre?

  Is it like Casablanca?

• 56:58Speaker 02

  The na- it sounded similar. Like Barry Melrose and Barry Manilow. Right.

• 57:03Pablo Torre?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Barry Melrose loves, um...

• 57:08Speaker 02

  Copacabana.

• 57:08Pablo Torre?

  Copacabana.

• 57:10Speaker 02

  That's my favorite Christmas song. Copacabana by Barry Manilow.

• 57:17Speaker 02

  Probably you got interesting dancing skills.

• 57:20Pablo Torre?

  You shut the fuck up.

• 57:22Speaker 02

  I just said interesting.

• 57:23Pablo Torre?

  Whatever you're about to say next, shut up.

• 58:00Speaker 05

  Verizon FiOS celebrates the holiday hostess with the mostess. When the whole family's over, you've got Verizon FiOS Whole Home Wi-Fi. Fast, reliable, 100% fiber internet in every room. So your little nephews can blast video games on full volume. Your daughter can stream football under the dinner table. And grandpa can turn on the same movie for the third time. A full house with full Wi-Fi coverage. So everyone can do their own thing, together. 100% fiber internet for 100% holiday hosts. Switch to Verizon FiOS today. Whole home Wi-Fi included with all FiOS gig plans. Availability varies.