How To Turn Your Anxiety Into Your Superpower w/Ellen Vora EP 1240

Dr. Ellen Vora is a holistic psychiatrist, acupuncturist, and yoga teacher. She takes a functional medicine approach to mental health—considering the whole person and addressing imbalance at the root. Dr. Vora received her B. A. from Yale University and her M. D. from Columbia University, and she is board-certified in psychiatry and integrative holistic medicine. She lives in New York City with her husband and daughter. Be sure to check out her new book, The Anatomy of Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming the Body's Fear Response. In this episode we discuss:The difference between true and false anxiety. The biggest lessons she’s learned about people as a psychiatrist. How to properly deal with trauma instead of hurting yourself even more. How to turn your anxiety into a superpower. And so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1240Get Ellen's Book: The Anatomy of Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming the Body's Fear ResponseMel Robbins: The “Secret” Mindset Habit to Building Confidence and Overcoming Scarcity: https://link.chtbl.com/970-podDr. Joe Dispenza on Healing the Body and Transforming the Mind: https://link.chtbl.com/826-podMaster Your Mind and Defy the Odds with David Goggins: https://link.chtbl.com/715-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:01Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,240 with Ellen Vora.

• 0:08Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:29Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, my friend. Today's guest is Ellen Vora, who is a holistic psychiatrist, acupuncturist, and yoga teacher. And she takes a functional medicine approach to mental health, considering the whole person and addressing imbalance at the root cause. And Dr. Vora received her BA from Yale University and her MD from Columbia University. And she is a board certified in psychiatry and integrative holistic medicine. And she's also the author of a new book that I love called The Anatomy of Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming the Body's Fear Response. And in this episode, we discuss the difference between true and false anxiety.

• 1:11Lewis Howes?

  And there's a big difference. The biggest lessons she's learned about people as a psychiatrist, how to properly deal with trauma instead of hurting yourself even more, how to turn your anxiety into a superpower, and so much more. This is a powerful subject and will help so many people. So make sure to spread this message with your friends. Just copy and paste this link. Or you can use lewishouse.com/1240 and share it with your friends over on social media. Or text some friends that you might think would be inspired by this message. And make sure to tag me, Lewis Howes, and Ellen as well over on social media. And I want to give a shout out to the fan of the week.

• 1:51Lewis Howes?

  This is from Koonupriya, who said, "I love this podcast to the core as it is the most real people with real information. And I've been through a very rough phase, and this podcast keeps me very positive." "The reason it's the best podcast is that the people, especially those related to the medical field, are eye openers for me and explain every detail wonderfully." Koonupriya, I'm so happy that you're getting a lot of value and inspiration from the different medical guests that we have on, but also just all the great guests in general. So thank you for leaving a review over on Apple Podcasts and being the fan of the week. So again, if you're inspired by this message, make sure to share it out with your friends over on social media.

• 2:31Lewis Howes?

  And let me know what you think by subscribing over on Apple Podcast and leaving a review if you haven't left a review yet. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Ellen Vora.

• 2:45Lewis Howes?

  How do people integrate healing in their life and not just have a kind of a moment of a release?

• 2:52Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:53Lewis Howes?

  I'm asking a lot at once.

• 2:54Ellen Vora?

  Let's tackle it. So I think that we're in this moment right now. It's a psychedelic renaissance. And we've had a few waves of this and we're in one right now. And I generally find it to be really hopeful. It's something I'm excited about. As a psychiatrist, I see the limitations in my field, the limitations of how we're approaching mental health right now. And I think we have room for improvement. Psychedelics are hopeful in that it's very much a paradigm shift. It's giving people a kind of, it's, it's, it's deep work. Sometimes it's a deep release. It can be an emotional purge. It can be shadow work. It can be sort of like your defenses are down.

• 3:30Lewis Howes?

  Inner child healing and all that stuff.

• 3:31Ellen Vora?

  All of that. Some of the medicines are empathogenic. So you can really sort of see situations from a place of more compassion, more understanding, more gentleness to yourself. So you can sometimes look at painful things and it's, you don't put up your defenses and sort of rigidly wall it off. You can explore it, tiptoe into difficult topics. So all of that is great. And I think what we'll learn, because a lot of us are sort of naive as we enter this space, is we're pretty attached to the big experience. We're like, let me go, you know, do the ayahuasca in the jungle.

• 4:02Lewis Howes?

  A workshop.

• 4:03Ellen Vora?

  The hero's, you know, dose and have a big journey.

• 4:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 4:06Ellen Vora?

  And it's a piece of the puzzle for sure. And we come away from it being like, well, that was such a big experience. That's clearly going to change my life. But the work is in the integration. It is the journey. And, you know, we were joking about it when I got back from 11 ceremonies in Brazil.

• 4:25Lewis Howes?

  For how long? A week or two weeks?

• 4:26Ellen Vora?

  A week.

• 4:27Lewis Howes?

  That's a lot of ceremonies, isn't it?

• 4:28Ellen Vora?

  I think it is.

• 4:29Lewis Howes?

  Don't you usually do like two or three or something?

• 4:31Ellen Vora?

  There's a lot of different traditions and in this tradition, it's twice a day. And so it was heavy duty. I didn't know any better.

• 4:37Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. You just did what they told you to do and you showed up, yeah.

• 4:40Ellen Vora?

  And I got back and I was like, you know, telling my partner, this changes everything, everything. You know, I have a new worldview, I have a new outlook. I'm gonna be a different person, I'm gonna show up differently.

• 4:48Lewis Howes?

  I've healed this thing, I've let this go, I love everyone now.

• 4:51Ellen Vora?

  Exactly, and it took about a week and a half for us to fall back into our old patterns and entrenched fights. And, you know, he joked, and I'll do the PC version, he was like, you know, I sent you to Brazil for a week and you're still a jerk?

• 5:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 5:05Ellen Vora?

  You know, I had to really look at that. And that's when we got into the habit of always being very intentional about integration. That you had the big experience, but that is the tip of the iceberg. And then you journal about it, you write down your thoughts, you process in therapy with your partner. We have a lot of integration community circles where we get together with other people doing this work. And we talk through our experiences and get feedback on it. And that's what actually galvanizes it and allows you to start to make real changes in how you show up day to day.

• 5:36Lewis Howes?

  Yes. What was the root underneath the thing that made you such a jerk?

• 5:42Ellen Vora?

  Why am I a jerk? Oh.

• 5:45Lewis Howes?

  That you needed to integrate the actual healing?

• 5:47Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, we're gonna go really real right away. Let's do it.

• 5:50Lewis Howes?

  You want us to be surface here, the school greatest, no?

• 5:52Ellen Vora?

  I think for me, it's a mother wound.

• 5:54Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 5:55Ellen Vora?

  And...

• 5:55Lewis Howes?

  Not you as the mother, but your mother, yes.

• 5:58Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, and it's, for me, it comes down to, I think that, I think my mom and my sister were more naturally simpatico. They were just compatible in their temperaments. And I was a little different. And I think that that has informed me my whole life. Am I likable? Am I worthy of love? And that's, that's the core wound.

• 6:21Lewis Howes?

  You're...

• 6:24Lewis Howes?

  You thought, am I worthy of love throughout your life?

• 6:27Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 6:27Lewis Howes?

  It was kind of underneath, whether you were thinking it or subconsciously, that was the belief.

• 6:31Ellen Vora?

  And it drives a lot of behaviors to convince yourself and the world, see how worthy of love I am. You know, you seek that validation, but underneath that is always the deep questioning of it.

• 6:41Lewis Howes?

  Am I?

• 6:42Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 6:43Lewis Howes?

  Am I worthy of love?

• 6:44Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 6:44Lewis Howes?

  Do you think that's a fear most people have?

• 6:46Ellen Vora?

  Um, I can't speak for most people. I've seen it certainly in a lot of my patients, but not everybody. And I think that there's a variation on this, for me at least, which is likability. And it's, um, you know, I at this point very much take for granted worthiness of love. I've done a lot of healing overall, but um, I can feel fully worthy of love if somebody really knows me. But a lot of people don't really know me and in that echelon of relationships, I'm like, am I likable? And um, so that's, that's like a more superficial wound, but that's there too.

• 7:20Lewis Howes?

  Do we need to be liked or worthy of other people's loves or understood by other people to love ourselves fully?

• 7:29Ellen Vora?

  Oh, certainly not. And it often gets in the way, right? When we're trying to live our lives by like, you know, um, are we pleasing those people? Are we getting this approval? What we do is we systematically betray ourselves.

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 7:41Ellen Vora?

  And that's a big problem.

• 7:42Lewis Howes?

  This is what I did for 15 years in relationships.

• 7:44Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:46Lewis Howes?

  It was never about them. It was always about me betraying myself.

• 7:50Ellen Vora?

  And why do you think you fell into that pattern?

• 7:53Lewis Howes?

  It was all, I mean, I still have it on my phone. It was the, all the inner child stuff. I mean, my therapist had me put this on here like almost a year ago, a photo of myself. So this is probably around like five or six, you know, I don't know if the camera can see it, but I've talked about this many times. Um, yeah, the, the little Louis. So the inner child work for me was really powerful. Because I've talked about this many times, but I was sexually abused when I was five and then I left home at 13. Parents were always, it felt like, I don't want to tell a story that's bigger, but it felt like there was anxiety at home frequently, consistently. There was not a stability of love and there was not a model of my parents fully loving each other because they,

• 8:36Lewis Howes?

  it felt forced, like they had to be there because of the kids. And then when they got at, when they got divorced when I was around 16, I was the youngest of four.

• 8:45Lewis Howes?

  Then they both were like free and happy. And so it's kind of like marriage trapped, you know? Abandoning yourself to try to please the other person, giving up what you want to make the other person happy. And I feel like I kind of repeated that subconsciously. Yeah. And attracted certain partners that I felt like I wanted to, I guess, heal my parents' relationship in my own relationship and try to fix it. And then in that fixing process, I attracted a certain personality type that did not accept me. They didn't accept me, they wanted to change me. And then I felt stressed and anxious because I couldn't be myself without them being upset with me. And so, and then I had this, Dr.

• 9:30Lewis Howes?

  Romney came on, the narcissist psychologist who talks about, psychiatrist who talks about narcissism, that I attracted narcissistic personalities. Because I was an athlete, I was so committed to making it work, that I would do whatever it takes. Giving up myself, you know, to make them happy. I would try to buy peace. And that would leave me feeling stressed and anxious and like, you know, always frustrated and resentful of the relationship and then questioning everything. So, this has been an unpacking of a long time now, but it's been an incredible journey of integrating that awareness. And you talk about having an experience and then integration and really creating healing from those things.

• 10:13Lewis Howes?

  So for me, it's been a journey of, so I kind of mentioned this beforehand, talking about like these ayahuasca and psychedelics. I'm sure there's some benefit to them, but what I think is, if someone can actually sit across from someone else like this and have their eyes connected and open their heart fully. Yeah. You can start to really be cathartic and start to heal and reveal yourself. Yeah. As opposed to doing some big experience or some purging of some type. I'm sure there's benefit to it, but then eventually you gotta stay across from someone else and you gotta share your shame.

• 10:46Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 10:47Lewis Howes?

  Eventually, I feel like you have to say, these are all the things that I'm insecure and shameful about. And if anyone actually knew that I was sexually abused as a kid, no one would love me. You gotta share that fear, I think, in order to realize, oh, people actually still love you and accept you with that. And you have to love yourself, no matter what. Because it doesn't matter if the world loves you if you don't learn to love yourself. So, all this was an unpacking for many years for me. But, but it's been, but it's been me willing to say, I take full responsibility and accountability for every area of my life. And even if the stuff I didn't, wasn't responsible for happened, I'm still gonna say, how can I benefit from those things?

• 11:31Lewis Howes?

  And to take responsibility for the rest of my life. So that's been a beautiful journey, but I don't know if, I didn't do ayahuasca or any of these other medicines, maybe it would have been helpful, but I also feel like eventually you gotta do the other work too. The scary work. Not where you're in a world by yourself and like drugs, but like the actual vulnerable, real world work.

• 11:52Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 11:52Lewis Howes?

  I don't know, you've, you've experienced this and you've been a therapist for a long time, so you tell me.

• 11:57Ellen Vora?

  Let me reflect on a couple of things you said there. So one thing is, um, ah, thank you for sharing this. So I think that when there's parents in their tension, in their relationship, but are kind of putting on a happy face and saying like, everything's okay here.

• 12:11Lewis Howes?

  But it's not, but you feel it's not.

• 12:12Ellen Vora?

  I think it messes with the child brain.

• 12:14Lewis Howes?

  Messes.

• 12:15Ellen Vora?

  Well, children, all humans, but including children, are incredibly sophisticated, social creatures. They pick up on everything. They sense it. So it's very gaslighty and it's kind of a mind mess up.

• 12:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 12:27Ellen Vora?

  To be like, well, here's what I'm sensing, but without the language, we don't, we don't have the faculties to articulate that as children. You sense it, you feel it, but then you see the smiley face and it really confuses your sense of reality. You start trusting your perception. And that's very tricky to grow out of in adulthood. Because in childhood, you're trying to learn, you know, which way is up, which way is down? What is anything in the world meaning? And when you feel tension and you see a smile, it confuses your sense of like, do I perceive reality accurately? I also think that.

• 12:59Lewis Howes?

  And these are the people I'm supposed to be trusting the most. And if they're not in a good relationship, or they're not happy, or they're passive aggressive, can I trust them? Is it me? Is it, you don't know what it is?

• 13:09Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, yeah. And I think, so my friend and colleague, Will Sue, he has this saying, I'm gonna butcher this quote, but he says something to the effect of psychedelics are not just agents for healing trauma, but they are here to help make spirituality palatable to a starving Western world. And I think that's why I'm most hopeful about psychedelics.

• 13:31Lewis Howes?

  To open you up.

• 13:32Ellen Vora?

  To open you up to, to basically a sense of like, maybe we don't fully understand this world just yet. Maybe there is something beyond what meets the eye, something that defies our concept of, you know, time and space and material reality. And I think that when it comes to that shadow work, it's not the only path there. But I do see some of my patients access a degree of release that's, it's just hard to get in other venues. And I think that in certain sense, in the same way alcohol kind of gives us like a license to be like, oh, like I, you know, I was crazy. And then the next day it's like, I don't even remember it. And it's like, okay. But I think that psychedelics sort of give us

• 14:15Ellen Vora?

  permission to really go deeper. I know for me, when I lost my mom, I grieved. I had no trouble diving into grief and I grieved in such a big way. And yet, when I go into a psychedelic ceremony, it's like I open up this portal and the grief flows 10x anything that I was able to release.

• 14:38Lewis Howes?

  More, yeah.

• 14:39Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 14:40Lewis Howes?

  That's great.

• 14:40Ellen Vora?

  And so if I knew a way to access that without these medicines, I'd be all for it.

• 14:44Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 14:45Ellen Vora?

  But I think that in certain ways, whether it just gives us permission, or if it actually helps us access it, I'm not sure. But it's part of the reason, like, I don't throw away these medicines. I think that they have a role.

• 14:55Lewis Howes?

  What I'm hearing you say is, you have to integrate it afterwards. You can't just have the experience and think you're healed, or you're whole, or you've figured it out.

• 15:02Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 15:03Lewis Howes?

  Because we've got to integrate it.

• 15:04Ellen Vora?

  10%, 90%.

• 15:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So 10% is the medicine, or the moment.

• 15:08Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 15:09Lewis Howes?

  But the 90% is actually the hardware. It's funny because, I remember thinking after the first five months of therapy last year, a year of therapy, by the way, was probably the best gift I've ever given myself.

• 15:19Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 15:20Lewis Howes?

  The best gift I could have given myself because emotional accountability is such a powerful tool that I don't think a lot of people are aware of. And I, and I'd done therapy in like seasons of life, but not a full year long.

• 15:35Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  And I'm committing to another year because I want to see like, all right, was this just one year, a fluke or whatever, but what does two years look like? And I think um, the integration, because I remember thinking like, okay, do I continue this or not? And I was like, I really want to integrate this. And it came up as I got into a new relationship later. I remember thinking, oh, I really need the emotional accountability because I might have fallen back into old patterns had I not continued to integrate. And the integration happened only when I was able to be courageous when I was living in a fear.

• 16:11Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 16:12Lewis Howes?

  That's when it happened, when I felt like something like there's an anxiety feeling, am I going to repeat a pattern and am I going to be like my parent, whatever.

• 16:20Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 16:21Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to falling back, I leaned into that anxiety in a sense and just spoke with a hundred percent honesty and courage. And then on the other side, like 24 hours later, I'm like, okay, I feel more peaceful now as opposed to being like stuck. So it's been a constant, and I'm sure it'll be a lot more integrating this year as well as I get deeper in a relationship. But I don't know, it's one of the greatest gifts I gave myself.

• 16:45Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 16:45Lewis Howes?

  So.

• 16:46Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, I agree with that.

• 16:48Lewis Howes?

  How much 90% integration, how long does someone need to integrate something until the anxiety goes away?

• 16:55Ellen Vora?

  Oh, I, I make no guarantees that that anxiety goes away, a six month plan. I think that it just depends, like we're, we're working through different degrees of depth and you might go different places. So, and I don't think it follows a perfectly temporal path. Like I had a ceremony many years ago that I might be in the shower, you know, this week and I'd be like. Something like some synapse just connected and now I understand something. And it took five years to cook.

• 17:21Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 17:22Ellen Vora?

  So I don't think it does behave along those lines.

• 17:24Lewis Howes?

  What do you think then prevents people from fully healing their mind and body?

• 17:29Ellen Vora?

  Well, part of is what we're going to talk about with this book. Um, that I think we are going about it wrong for the most part. And I think that it's maybe not something that we solve in one lifetime. And I'm not sure it totally is the goal. Like, I think that we need those wounds and we need those nooks and crannies that it actually enriches our lives. It expands our capacity for empathy. It expands our capacity for connecting with other people. So I think we, we don't wanna be necessarily fully healed, whatever that is.

• 18:03Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 18:04Ellen Vora?

  I don't think it's the goal. Um, I think it's really wonderful to integrate all parts of ourselves, to stare at our shadow, to at least bring our shame into the light of day.

• 18:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 18:14Ellen Vora?

  And to find venues to connect with other people where we can show up perfectly, authentically, raw, vulnerable ourselves and have reflected back to us, I see you and I still accept you.

• 18:25Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 18:26Ellen Vora?

  And I think that that is deeply therapeutic to our nervous system to have that experience.

• 18:31Lewis Howes?

  It's a hundred percent true. When eight years ago, I opened up for the first time, I went to a workshop that got me to open up about sexual abuse.

• 18:38Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 18:39Lewis Howes?

  For 25 years, I held on to the secret of the shame. It's five years old when it happened. And in when I started to go to elementary, and when you're five and you're sexually abused or raped, you don't, at least for me as a boy growing up in Ohio, there was never like talk about it, you know, it wasn't on TV or something of like, okay, if you're a young boy and this happens to you, here's what you do next.

• 19:01Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 19:01Lewis Howes?

  I never saw this.

• 19:02Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 19:03Lewis Howes?

  And then when you get into like elementary school, middle school, and I remember being a very affectionate young boy. Like I'd put my arm around like my classmates or like teammates. And then they would push me off at different times, not everyone, but they'd push you off and call you names, almost like it was wrong.

• 19:20Ellen Vora?

  Right.

• 19:20Lewis Howes?

  To be affectionate with someone. And so I thought like, oh, I could never share this with my friends because if I even just put my arm around a guy, they're gonna make me, make fun of me and call me names. So how could I let them know that this happened to me when I'm not even accepted for just being playful?

• 19:39Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 19:40Lewis Howes?

  So I just held on to it for a long time. And when I finally talked about it in a workshop, and I've talked about this publicly many times. Finally talked about it in a workshop, I had a fear of telling my family. I remember thinking, okay, I told these kind of like strangers in this emotional intelligence workshop, and I'm never gonna see them again, right? Maybe I will, but maybe not. They, you know, they all accepted me.

• 20:03Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 20:04Lewis Howes?

  But then I was like, but my family, will they accept me? You know? And I remember talking to a therapist friend at the time, saying I'm really scared to share this with other people, because what if my family doesn't accept me? Just like you were talking about reflecting it, sharing your shame and having someone reflect and accept you. I said, I don't know what to do. She said, call each one of them one by one, because they were around the country. Call them and ask them this question first, before you tell them. And make sure you feel comfortable with their response. I was like, what's the question? She said, ask them, is there anything I could ever say or do that would make you not love me? And, and if they say, you know, yes, there are things that make me not love you, then maybe don't tell them right then.

• 20:49Lewis Howes?

  You know, maybe wait to tell them. But if they say, no, there's nothing you could ever do or say that make me not love you, then they're giving you permission to share that.

• 20:57Ellen Vora?

  Yep.

• 20:58Lewis Howes?

  And I called each one of my family members and told them, and it was the most like healing experience for them to receive my shame. And also, what tends to happen when one person's vulnerable is someone else opens up their vulnerabilities. I learned something about each one of them I had no clue about. So our bond connected even stronger, which is even more healing for them and more healing for me. And I think that's a powerful thing that a lot of people are not willing. And I was one of them for 25 years. I was not willing to reveal myself, because I was so afraid of what people would think about me, or judge me, or make fun of me, or not accept me or not love me if they knew the shame.

• 21:41Lewis Howes?

  And I'm trying to be, to share more of this because I want people to, to open up. They don't need to tell the world like I do, you know, on a big platform. But it's the inner relationships that we have with people, the close relationships that are the most meaningful, that we tend to hide ourselves sometimes. And I feel like we've got to learn how to be, make this more acceptable for people.

• 22:03Ellen Vora?

  Three-part response.

• 22:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 22:05Ellen Vora?

  So, one is, um, I think it's such as, the reason that strategy is so smart to open with, like, is there anything I could do that would make you not love me? Is that everyone's going to pretty much say, like, no, of course not, to that question. But if you hadn't asked that, they might've been like, I can't, this is not okay. Or they'd push back or whatever. And I think that, um, it's almost like a neuro-linguistic programming. Like, you've just created this sort of like, well, you're just committed to that, so here we go.

• 22:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:32Ellen Vora?

  And I think you're absolutely right that when you share something vulnerable, it makes it safe for somebody else to share something vulnerable. It's like this wave that we can bond more. It creates kind of a, like a virtuous cycle of vulnerability and authenticity and making it safe to just be ourselves with each other. And I also think that with family, for anyone who's listening to this and they're like, okay, I'm gonna go try this, um, I'm gonna share my shame with family members. I think family, it's so important because, like, we can go to the men's retreat and share, you know, we can, we can do that and people are like, okay.

• 23:05Lewis Howes?

  In nature, in the woods, and then hug it out and cry, but then what?

• 23:08Ellen Vora?

  But, like, we all regress around our families.

• 23:11Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 23:11Ellen Vora?

  And we, um, you know, people say like, you know, your family members are the ones who push your buttons because they're the ones who put them there. And we all get very triggered. We're all in a little tight knot with our family members. And so, I usually go into family interactions with an intention of radical acceptance. And I really believe in the kind of Marshall Rosenberg, nonviolent communication idea of, like, give someone an opportunity to meet your needs. Give someone an opportunity to enrich life.

• 23:37Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 23:38Ellen Vora?

  But don't obligate them. And like, no expectations.

• 23:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 23:42Ellen Vora?

  And so, if I'm like, I'm showing up vulnerably, here's some shame. Family member, can you hold this and like, just rock it? And sometimes they can, and that's awesome. And sometimes, that's not where they're at. That's not where our relationship is at. And I come away from that.

• 23:56Lewis Howes?

  Except you can't expect them to.

• 23:57Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, and it doesn't mean I'm like, my healing journey is not abbreviated by that or rested there. It's really just like, okay, so that is the limitation of this relationship right now, and I accept that. And that's where this person is at, and I accept that. And they might be able to show up more evolved or emotionally intelligent in other pockets of their life, but not with me because of all the history, because we're both so regressed around each other.

• 24:21Lewis Howes?

  Of course. How does someone begin to release shame? Whether they, and can you release shame without having to tell other people?

• 24:30Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, yeah. So I think for anybody who somehow has not yet done their Brene Brown required reading must see TV, like you have to watch the TED Talk, you have to read the books. She is the patron saint of vulnerability and shame, and she is a national treasure. And we just need to know that. She, she really made that conversation so accessible. So that's step one. But I think that you can do a lot of shame release just in your own heart. It's really like, for me, I'll have shameful memories, and I'll speak them out loud to myself. I'll write them down in a journal. I'll just look at them and be like, that makes me so, you know, my heart rate increases when I think about that. And it's shame, right? You sort of flush, you, you feel so like, ooh, it hurts, it's painful

• 25:15Ellen Vora?

  to think about it. But it's weird. Humans are so weird in that we think, no, no, no, no, no. And then if you just go past that, that barrier, you get to the other side of it, and you're like, here's what happened. And I'm still ultimately an inherently lovable person. I'm a person out here in the world flawed, but doing my best. And that's all we can expect of ourselves, and that's enough. And then you can speak it kind of, I just always picture like a flashlight. You just want to shine the flashlight on the shame. And somehow it doesn't hold up anymore. It really proliferates in the dark.

• 25:47Lewis Howes?

  It does, and the more I speak about it, the less it affects me.

• 25:50Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 25:51Lewis Howes?

  You know, the more I take my power back by communicating it. Like, the first six months of me talking about sexual abuse, like, I was stuttering, I was, like, sweating. And now it's, I don't want to normalize it like it was nothing, but I can talk about it with a sense of normal heart rate, like, I'm just, you know, talking about a cup of coffee in a sense, because I've continually shined a light on it.

• 26:13Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 26:14Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to kept it a secret in the dark and been afraid of it and insecure of it. What would you say is the biggest anxiety you have right now in your life?

• 26:23Ellen Vora?

  So, this book is a labor of love. I'm proud of it. It's also imperfect, right? Like, I wrote it as a mom with unpredictable childcare and a pandemic. Like, you know, if I was a full-time writer and, like, was a monk on a mountaintop, like, I would have done all this extra research and interviews, but this was, like, the realistic labor of love I could manage. And, um, basically...

• 26:43Lewis Howes?

  But I think you have, like, thirty pages of research in the back, so it's...

• 26:46Ellen Vora?

  Yeah. That was a word count issue at one point.

• 26:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I know.

• 26:51Ellen Vora?

  But releasing something like this into the world we live in right now, that's hyperpolarized, that's contentious, where we have so much conversation happening on the social media platform, that, um, where controversy generates, you know, it really feeds into the algorithm. And so, right now, um, you know, I'm not here to say, like, cancel-cancel culture. I think that's a conversation, like, it's also accountability culture. There's a lot of good reckoning that comes from that. But we do, of course, we feel disconnected from the human being on the other end. And I am sensitive. Like, that's why I'm a psychiatrist. That's why I'm interested in anxiety as a topic. Like, I feel everything. I'm paper-thin skin, you know?

• 27:36Ellen Vora?

  And so, it's like, I'll feel all of that energetically. And I've got my clearing practices, and I've got ways that I process it. But I feel it, and so, releasing this into the world... Um, I'm proud of it and I'm psyched to spread this message and I do feel like if it helps a handful of people, I'm psyched, like that's the goal. But there will, I'm, I'm not playing it safe in the book either. I say controversial things. I have unpopular opinions about things. I put it in there not to make waves, but just because I think these are conversations we need to be having. I'm not saying my approach is the gospel, but I want a nuanced both and conversation about tricky gray area topics.

• 28:16Ellen Vora?

  But it's gonna ruffle some feathers and I'm terrified of people coming at me and being like, this is harmful. And I'm also really ready for the pearl in that feedback. You know, anytime somebody's like, this is harmful, often there's a seed of truth to that and I learn from it, but it's still, I lose sleep for a few days.

• 28:37Lewis Howes?

  But you create context before everything and say like, this is not the only solution. Like there's, here's a research of showing this and here it's work for people I've worked with, right? You're not just like, this is the only way.

• 28:47Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, I mean, maybe I need that disclaimer at the top of every page.

• 28:51Lewis Howes?

  I know the feeling, but I think if you, if you have that, at least the, the context setting before each one of the controversial, um, I guess, topics. It's interesting, I was, and I don't know if this will resonate in any way, but I, I took a year of public speaking class like thirteen years ago, fourteen years ago. I was terrified of speaking in front of two, three, five people. Like terr- I could not stand up in front of a small group and speak for a minute without being nervous. Could not speak in front of a large group without being nervous. Like, it was just a nervous thing. And I met a professional speaker who gave me some like mentorship and he's like, you need to join Toastmasters and go every single week until you're not afraid anymore

• 29:35Lewis Howes?

  to stand in front of a group of peers that are there to give you positive feedback. So you can take on the negative, you know, the critics. And so I did that. It helped tremendously. And then I went and started speaking. Like my brand started to build and I started to build an audience, whatever. And so I started getting paid speaking gigs for years and on bigger and bigger stages. It was probably seven years in to speaking, like getting paid a lot of money to like speak in front of audiences. I remember still feeling like insecure and nervous within like 24 hours or the day of. And I remember calling my coach at the time and saying, I don't know why I'm still nervous. Like, I shouldn't be nervous anymore. I've been training for like a decade now. I've been doing this. This is the thing I do. Why am I still nervous?

• 30:18Lewis Howes?

  And he said, because you're still worried about what people think about you. You're still thinking about, are they going to judge me? The insecurity and fear of other people's opinions is making you nervous. Know that they are going to judge you, like they're going to criticize you. Know that you're gonna mess up. You're not gonna say the joke the right way. You're gonna forget a line you wanted to say in your speech. And stop thinking about you being perfect and start focusing on service of other people. And I think it was you go into this launch thinking about, I know the book's not 100% perfect. It can always be improved and maybe this and this. But if it continues to serve people, then that's, that's what matters. And I think if you do that, continue to, like, don't even put anything on you. This is done. You've made it. It's out there.

• 31:02Lewis Howes?

  And say, the whole intention is to serve and help people. It doesn't matter what they say about it. You know what I mean?

• 31:09Ellen Vora?

  It absolutely does resonate. I needed that. There's this one other caveat I'll put out there, which is as a physician, I feel like training to become a medical doctor, it's, you sort of get really trained to be judicious and be cautious and think about harm. It's like first you know harm. And I think you can, you can play it safe. Well, this is really at the heart of the book, right? I think that in certain ways, conventional psychiatry as it stands right now is actually doing some harm. Sometimes in actively intervening in a way that's harmful, sometimes in the lack of helping people in ways that we need.

• 31:49Ellen Vora?

  And so this book is really intended to improve upon that and to do less harm, help people where they need it. But there are unintended consequences always, and there are just pockets of this where.

• 32:02Ellen Vora?

  If I could hold the hand of every reader and watch where they take something just a little too far, or like go, you know, like just a little subtle misstep here or there, I'd be like, no, no, no, no, no.

• 32:11Lewis Howes?

  This is what you really meant.

• 32:12Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, like eat well, but not orthorexia well, right? And so I think that there's potential to cause harm, and that's where I really lose sleep.

• 32:20Lewis Howes?

  What's the most controversial thing in here?

• 32:22Ellen Vora?

  There's plenty, so.

• 32:24Lewis Howes?

  You're my, what you, the most anxious about in your Anatomy of Anxiety book?

• 32:29Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, there's two, um, no, there's three, so we can go in whichever direction you think. Um, one is just my attitude towards psych meds, one is my attitude towards body positivity, and then one is just kind of encouraging people to not be so scared of the sun. So we can go in any of those directions.

• 32:47Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. I think people live in a lot of anxiety with, when the sun's out because of like skin cancer or like wrinkles or what is it?

• 32:54Ellen Vora?

  It's not that like, uh, fear of skin cancer and wrinkles is causing anxiety, it's that lack of sunshine because we've been so trained to fear the sun and to slather sunblock. I think lack of not just vitamin D, but these other less measurable aspects of how we benefit from the sun is in contributing to our anxiety epidemic.

• 33:12Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 33:13Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so I'm here to just say like, we can rethink that a little bit. It's not to say go whole hog in that direction, it's, it's finding a balance. And skin is such an interesting, um, it's quick to evolve. It's, it's basically if, if populations of humans like migrated from an area near the equator to an area further from the equator, those genes that control how much, where the melanin in our skin sits in the, in the skin cells, um, it quickly changes because there's such a delicate balance between the importance of vitamin D, which is really more of a hormone than a vitamin, and the risk of skin cancer. And evolution's not messing around with this. It really always wants to strike the right balance and, but evolution, even if it works quickly, it's still not so quick.

• 33:56Ellen Vora?

  So we're living in a moment right now where we're a little bit not striking the perfect balance, and I think a lot of us.

• 34:03Lewis Howes?

  Too extreme, right, yeah.

• 34:04Ellen Vora?

  And I think like, if you are fair skinned, descended from people from Northern Ireland and you're living on the equator, you want to be more concerned about melanoma than vitamin D deficiency. But if you're African American, you're living in Chicago, you probably want to be more concerned with vitamin D deficiency and everything else that goes along with sun that can't just be supplemented with a vitamin D pill, than worried about melanoma. So I think that this message of fear of the sun, the harmful rays of the sun, is doing many people a disservice, but perhaps most of all, people with melanated skin.

• 34:35Lewis Howes?

  Okay, and what about body image or body positivity? Where's the anxiety lie within that?

• 34:40Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, well, we're in a beautiful moment with that movement, right? It's speaking power to diet culture and all of that sort of like patriarchal toxicity of making us kind of be at war with our own bodies and try to mold ourselves into an image that's not necessarily appropriate for our bodies. And I love that, the spirit of that, I'm all in favor of. But it still ends up being this kind of both and thing, where we've swung a little too far and now what's happening is it's sort of a coddling, enabling message, which is like, you're addicted to that processed food, like, go treat yourself. And I think what I see in my practice, I just want people to be well. And sometimes that easy food causes the hard life.

• 35:24Ellen Vora?

  And someone can be like, I embrace the principles of body positivity. I eat whatever I want, I don't worry about my weight. Okay, okay. But then they're suffering from polycystic ovary syndrome, or endometriosis, or insulin resistance, and everything that goes along with that. A shortened lifespan ultimately, and certainly an impact on their quality of life. And that's where I think we're getting it just slightly wrong, is that this was all supposed to be about living a fulfilling life. And we need to figure out how much effort do you put in? And for some of us who are really out of balance, we actually have to put a decent amount of effort into creating enough physical health and balance that our physical health can recede into the background. And it just creates the foundation for our fulfilling life.

• 36:09Ellen Vora?

  And for some people, they're too all in on that, right? And then the meal prep and the obsessive, and skipping meals with friends and socially isolating, it becomes a part-time job. And it's the self-care itself that stands in the way of the fulfilling life. I think in body positivity movement right now, it's actually the cavalier attitude towards, it doesn't matter, eat whatever you want, that's actually getting in the way of the fulfilling life. And so, and I think that it's speaking truth to the patriarchy. But in the process, it's sort of actually being the biggest champion to the processed food industry.

• 36:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I hear you there. What was the first one you said?

• 36:46Ellen Vora?

  The first one was psych meds.

• 36:48Lewis Howes?

  Psych meds, yeah.

• 36:48Ellen Vora?

  That's a big one.

• 36:49Lewis Howes?

  So what I'm hearing you say is psychedelics. There's a lot of these research coming out saying the benefits of psychedelics being used for treatment.

• 36:58Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 36:58Lewis Howes?

  And some, you know, relaxing of the stress and anxiety. It's funny, I was just watching a video of this popular YouTuber who was smoking marijuana for a year and decided two weeks ago to go off marijuana. And he was like, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done is to have the withdrawals from just marijuana.

• 37:17Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 37:17Lewis Howes?

  This isn't some like

• 37:18Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  hard narcotic or something, which, which, you know, which is probably even harder, you know, to get off of like heroin or something, but he was like, I'm the most irritable person. He was like, I'm apologizing to all his friends. I'm so sorry. I've been so angry and short tempered and this and this. And I don't know how much longer it's gonna take.

• 37:37Ellen Vora?

  Mm hmm.

• 37:37Lewis Howes?

  But it's been a couple, two or three weeks and he's like, it's, I feel like a mess. And I'm like, so what is the balance? You know, should we be? Is there other ways to get to that place without needing these things? Because then they can become addictive and needing them all the time. Oh, it's giving me release. Let me just stay on them.

• 37:56Ellen Vora?

  Cannabis itself is a really tricky one because I, it's one where there are, there's absolutely no one size fits all approach.

• 38:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:04Ellen Vora?

  And I see people who it enhance, like they go deeper into their life. They get more mindful with it. They bring intention to it. They make it sacred. It's seldom, you know, it's more of like a once a week or less often thing. And for some of my patients, it's allowed them to go through menstrual cramps without taking other medications or, you know, so there's, it can be a better sleep aid. It can prevent some, you know, if it's, ends up meaning that you don't drink as much, maybe there's fewer traffic fatalities or less domestic violence. So it has its place. But I tend to think that anybody who's smoking daily, it's not serving them and it ends up. numbing us out, taking us out of our lives.

• 38:46Ellen Vora?

  And then I see it impacting happiness and anxiety levels. And it is tough to quit. And in not quite the same physiologic dependence way as like, say heroin.

• 38:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 38:55Ellen Vora?

  But it has a way of insidiously getting in. And it's sort of this vine that kind of grows around our life. And then it's hard to extract ourselves from it. So I have the utmost sympathy for anybody struggling with that. But I just encourage everyone to be really intentional about how do you come to this substance? Is it bringing you deeper into your experience? Is it checking you out?

• 39:16Lewis Howes?

  And what is the root cause of most people needing to take a substance?

• 39:21Lewis Howes?

  Like, what's the root on why someone has gotten to the point of like, I need to take this to feel better? How can they just get to the root and feel better?

• 39:30Ellen Vora?

  Here's a rough draft thought. Is I think that human beings have certain fundamental human needs. They're not high tech, but they're not how our modern life is structured. We have need for connection and community. I think we have need for nature. I think we have some degree of need for meaning and purpose in our lives. And that can take the form of spirituality, doesn't have to. And I think that we actually need to be nourished. And that is, that has so many different dimensions. Like, we need good water, we need what we get from sunshine, we need nourishing food. And so I think we live right now, like, you know, it's,

• 40:13Ellen Vora?

  it's booze and it's social media and it's devices and it's social isolation. And we're worker bees in these inhumane working conditions. And like, basically, we're not only not getting these needs met, but then we're sort of getting assaulted with all these things that just leave our nervous system totally frayed.

• 40:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 40:31Ellen Vora?

  And so it's understandable that we're reaching for something. Most things we get addicted to. It kind of gives us that original grounding, connected feeling of you're safe. I always think about breastfeeding. I think so much of addiction is like, how do you feel like a babe nursing in your mother's arms? Getting your need for nourishment, getting that little opiate hit that actually happens in breast milk? Feeling safe, feeling protected, feeling loved. And I think so much of us are trying to get back to that feeling. And we need it all the more when we're really not getting that feeling, getting that need met.

• 41:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. A holistic, that's what we're talking about, the holistic approach to. It's like psychiatry, right?

• 41:09Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 41:09Lewis Howes?

  Not the traditional approach, but the holistic approach.

• 41:11Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 41:12Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between what you call true anxiety and false anxiety?

• 41:16Ellen Vora?

  Yeah. So in my training, it was the DSM, the Diagnostic Statistical, you know, Manual. And it's like, here are the diagnoses. Is it generalized anxiety disorder? Is it panic disorder with or without agoraphobia? And always in medicine, you're thinking, how does this change management? And that categorization and classification, I've realized in the way I approach mental health and anxiety in particular, doesn't change my management at all. It's really designed to kind of gatekeep. You know, it's a little bit here to sway you. Maybe if it's panic, you go towards CBT. If it's generalized anxiety disorder, if you meet the threshold, if you, you know, have enough symptoms that you qualify for a diagnosis of clinical anxiety, then you've unlocked medication.

• 41:59Ellen Vora?

  And since I'm not doing a lot of prescribing of medication, I have no need to gatekeep. And so if someone comes in and tells me they have this subjective experience of anxiety, like, done. There's our diagnosis, you know, for the foreseeable future. And I'm, there's nothing I need to gatekeep because there's no risk in anything I'm going to be recommending. And I see a classification system that makes a lot more sense as false anxiety and true anxiety. False anxiety is our avoidable, unnecessary, preventable anxiety. It's, that term false can be triggering for some people because it feels invalidating. It's like, what are you talking about, false anxiety? Like, it feels quite real. And the suffering and the experience of it is no less real.

• 42:43Ellen Vora?

  But false speaks to the fact that there is a path out that's relatively straightforward. And this has to do with the ways our physical body gets out of balance. Whether it's from a blood sugar crash, we're inflamed, we're chronically sleep deprived, we're micronutrient deficient, maybe we're drinking too much strong coffee that day, maybe we're coming down from alcohol every day and our GABA is getting, you know, converted into glutamate. We can talk about the neuroscience of that. But so there's all of these just seemingly benign aspects of modern life that are tipping our body into a stress response.

• 43:12Lewis Howes?

  That if you just, okay, don't drink, or cup up the coffee, get 80 hours of sleep, do this, you'll probably have less anxiety.

• 43:18Ellen Vora?

  We avoid a lot of anxiety that way. So these, we trip ourselves into these stress responses. And it's, it's really mundane stuff. But that stress response feels synonymous with anxiety and panic. And so I think false anxiety is something to just... Take stock of, do an inventory of all the ways that you might be getting physically out of balance, see what you can do to shift things gently back into balance, and then walk out of that less anxious. And then what remains after you've really taken care of a lot of that pulse anxiety is our true anxiety. And that's purposeful anxiety. And that's not something to medicate away. We couldn't if we wanted to. It's not a nuisance. It's not something to pathologize.

• 44:03Ellen Vora?

  It's something to really slow down and embrace and honor and heed.

• 44:06Lewis Howes?

  What are some of the main true anxiety things that people go through?

• 44:11Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, everyone's a little different. Some people, it's more like a communication from our body, from our inner knowing that's telling us something is really not right here. Pay attention to this. And it could be a relationship that we're in. It could be something to do with our work life. It could have something to do with our community or the world around us. Some people feel true anxiety on a very global scale, right? Like people that their life mission is around climate change or is around, you know, you name it, like any of these big things where we need more people sort of shouting from the rooftops, like we need to make changes here. And some people's true anxiety just speaks to like they need to call their grandma more often. And so it's really just something to slow down and listen to.

• 44:53Ellen Vora?

  And it's here to tell us like, look at this problem. The anxiety itself is not the problem there. It's really just the body sort of like putting up a flare and saying like, please slow down and take a look at this. And then once we have listened to it, honored it, heeded that message and taken some steps accordingly, it really transmutes that feeling. It's not an uncomfortable anxiety. It's like a feeling of purpose, which is a very different kind of charge.

• 45:19Lewis Howes?

  Would you say there's a framework of figuring out what anxiety you have or how to know where your anxiety is coming from?

• 45:26Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so I say low hanging fruit first. You start with a false anxiety. You, you kind of just figure out where you're out of balance.

• 45:33Lewis Howes?

  Take inventory. Okay, I get four hours of sleep a night.

• 45:36Ellen Vora?

  That could be it.

• 45:37Lewis Howes?

  I drink five cups of coffee a day.

• 45:38Ellen Vora?

  Something to look at.

• 45:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, whatever. I'm eating processed foods all day. So you start to take inventory of these things and say, okay, I'm only going to have one cup of coffee or whatever it is, sleep seven, eight hours, and then see how I feel after a week of doing these action steps. And then also taking anxiety, but how do you, or taking inventory of the true anxiety? How do you really take inventory of that when it's more of the inner knowing? You know, intuition, listening to your intuition.

• 46:04Ellen Vora?

  It's trickier.

• 46:05Lewis Howes?

  If you're so anxious, it might be loud to listen to it, you know?

• 46:10Ellen Vora?

  I mean psychedelics have a role in this, but it doesn't always have to be that. But anything that actually lets us bring reverence to the act of I'm slowing down, I'm listening to what's alive in me, in my heart, in my unconscious. And basically, I'm, I'm really exploring that and I'm open to that message. And in our daily lives, most of us steamroll over that, right? You know, some people have a journaling practice or a meditation practice, but we need to slow down and listen. And so, yeah, I, I think it's harder to make a formula for it because we're all a little bit different. But many of us are caught up in our, you know, this is our capitalist society

• 46:53Ellen Vora?

  where time is the commodity and we're just hustling and grinding and going, going, going. And that's not compatible with having a good relationship with our true anxiety. We need more spaciousness in our lives.

• 47:04Lewis Howes?

  So you did 12 years of schooling and then you've been a psychiatrist for 10 years.

• 47:09Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 47:10Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the three greatest lessons you've learned in the last, I guess, 20 plus years of studying and practicing this work?

• 47:19Ellen Vora?

  Oh, wow. It's number one most important, it's, it's the humility. It's to never get dogmatic. And I have learned that lesson so many times.

• 47:28Lewis Howes?

  What do you mean by that?

• 47:29Ellen Vora?

  Anytime I get confident, I'm like, okay, I've figured it out. I understand. I take a functional medicine approach to psychiatry. I'm solving everyone's life in this way. And then, and then I'll have a patient whose experience just totally kicks me in the teeth.

• 47:42Lewis Howes?

  Didn't work, whatever you shared with them didn't work.

• 47:45Ellen Vora?

  Had to be the opposite approach. And so, you know, I guess it took 50 of those times to just be like, no dogma here. Always approach every single patient like it's a brand new experiment. And there's learnings I bring to it, but I'm really open to understanding how individual it is each time.

• 48:01Lewis Howes?

  Okay, that's one.

• 48:03Ellen Vora?

  Let's call this, in my process of kind of unlearning the miseducation from my conventional training, and I'm really in a debt of gratitude to my conventional training. I am so grateful to be a mechanic who understands when I lift up the hood of the body, I know what everything is and how it works. Heart functions, yeah. I wanted that education, I knew it since I was a kid. I wanted to understand the body, because I wanted to be able to fix my own car, basically. And now I fix other people's cars, and that's great too. I love it, I find it satisfying work. But I did need to unlearn certain things. And I remember one day, I was in the OR on my surgery rotation, and we're sitting over an appendectomy, we're kind of like in the process, it's a few hours surgery, and I'm

• 48:48Ellen Vora?

  thinking, like, well, this guy, who's done nothing but like appendectomies and removing people's gall bladders for the last 15 years of his life, has probably given this some thought. So I was like, why do you think people get appendicitis? And his response was, we don't ask why, we just cut. Really? And as like a Jewish New Yorker, I was like, all I do is ask why, that's all I'm interested in, is why, how, like, you know, and, because it's that idea of like going upstream, and, you know, rather than just pulling people out of the river, like, why are, who's throwing them in? What's happening here? And I believe that the body generally works, you know, menopause is kind of not awesome, and knee joints are not amazingly well-designed, but most, most of the time, the body's pretty well-designed. Yeah.

• 49:33Ellen Vora?

  And so I feel like things don't have to happen, they're happening because a genetic predisposition, an environmental trigger, and then here we are. And so, I just realized that conventional medicine is not that interested in the why. And so that's why I didn't really fit in, in that model. And functional medicine, for me, was like, it was mind-blowing to realize that, oh yeah, you want to do root cause resolution, rather than symptom suppression. And once I saw that, I could never unsee that. And now it seems crazy to me, the idea of approaching a problem from, well, let's suppress this symptom and then problem solved? Not at all. And heartburn is a really interesting example where it's like, okay, you have heartburn. So in conventional medicine, we'll give an antacid.

• 50:18Ellen Vora?

  We'll say, let's just make less stomach acid and then it won't bubble up in your esophagus and it won't burn and problem solved.

• 50:25Lewis Howes?

  Just don't eat the bad foods that are causing this, right?

• 50:27Ellen Vora?

  Well, heartburn in particular, it's an interesting one. Where not only does that, of course, not solve the fundamental root cause of the problem, but it actually contributes to it in some cases. Also, heartburn is usually due to some degree of increased intra-abdominal pressure. So are you pregnant? Are you obese? These are reasons you might be sort of upward pushing motion. But sometimes it's something called SIBO, small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. And you just have too much of the wrong bacteria where it doesn't belong in the small intestine. Taking antacids suppresses our stomach acid and our stomach acid is actually pretty critical to dealing with like the bacteria we ingest and getting in. And so now you're just-

• 51:05Lewis Howes?

  So if you're killing that, then it's affecting-

• 51:06Ellen Vora?

  You've exacerbated the original problem. And so functional medicine is asking, well, why is the acid getting into your esophagus? And okay, why increased abdominal pressure? So why increased abdominal pressure? And why don't we address that at the root rather than suppressing the symptom and potentially even exacerbating the original problem?

• 51:23Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that was number two. What was the third thing?

• 51:26Ellen Vora?

  What are we even listing right now?

• 51:27Lewis Howes?

  That was the three, three biggest things you've learned in twenty plus years of school and-

• 51:32Ellen Vora?

  Yeah. A third learning. There's something bubbling in my mind right now around love, but I'm not really sure what the answer is. But I think that I, when I was applying to join the Columbia Center for Psychoanalysis, I wrote my essay about like, I love my patients, which in psychiatry is a big no-no.

• 51:53Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 51:54Ellen Vora?

  And so, you know, it's sort of like boundaries, boundaries, professional, neutral, all this kind of stuff. So that didn't really sit well. It wasn't received well. So, but it's actually-

• 52:05Ellen Vora?

  You have to know your audience. Psychoanalysts didn't want to read an essay about loving your patients. But what I've realized now is that this work that I do, it's sacred. And when I have a relationship with a patient, they matter to me. I matter to them. It's a real relationship in both of our lives. It follows a different contract than other relationships. You know, it's not family, it's not a friendship. It's a different kind of, it's totally sacred. And to just show up to that, like more and more bringing the utmost meticulous integrity to it and to just completely honor that someone is entrusting me. And that's sometimes heavy, because first do no harm.

• 52:46Ellen Vora?

  And you want to help and sometimes it's you're dabbling in unknowns and gray areas.

• 52:52Lewis Howes?

  And people are probably sharing things with you they've never shared with anyone, too.

• 52:55Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, it's an honor.

• 52:56Lewis Howes?

  Even their spouses, their family, like they're telling you stuff they've never told anyone.

• 53:01Ellen Vora?

  It's a privilege. I hold it so sacred.

• 53:03Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy.

• 53:04Ellen Vora?

  And so they really matter to me. And I dare say I love my patients and that's part of what makes my job fulfilling.

• 53:12Lewis Howes?

  I feel like when you bring love to a session as a therapist, you allow for healing, the environment of healing to occur faster, I think. Because if close, this has been like this clinical, like no, you know, not showing that much love, even the energy of love you can feel versus someone just listening to you and asking questions. So I feel like it's almost a responsibility to help someone heal faster, to open your heart to like being curious about your patient or, you know, maybe not loving them, but having love for them in some way.

• 53:47Ellen Vora?

  I think that's very astute. And I think that like what I really think I'm doing in a session with a patient, it's like there's two valences. And up here, we're talking, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Here's what's on my mind. Here's what I think about that. Here's the ailment in my physical body. Here's the functional medicine solution to that. But that's a distraction. And what's really happening is-

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  You've got to drop in your heart.

• 54:07Ellen Vora?

  It's underneath, right? There's this energy exchange valence happening down here where it's, you know, I jokingly refer to it as witchcraft, but like I just am basically trying to certainly be in a vibration of love, because that's a more healing vibration. But also I am channeling something that is far bigger than me and-

• 54:29Ellen Vora?

  I think that like, you know, it goes in the humility category, but basically I don't think I'm doing all that much. I think I have learned how to make myself um be a channel or a portal to very powerful energies in the universe that um move through me and help heal my patients. And I maybe sort of direct that energy a little bit. Um and that's something that I'm, you know, still relatively novice at, but that's really what I've come to do most of all.

• 54:55Lewis Howes?

  How do you deal with the anxiety of talking to a bunch of people who are stressed out or dealing with pain? You know, three, four, five, seven clients a day, or however many it is. How do you then not bring that with you and carry the pain and stress and anxiety with you?

• 55:11Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, this is what's so broken about um our modern medical system where, you know, a physician is a provider and sort of like patients are like coming through on a conveyor belt. And it's just like, see a patient, churn it out, prescribe meds. And what I've realized is that to do this work well, I'm not seeing seven or eight patients a day. I'm seeing like two, three. And then there's a big regrouping energetically that happens afterward and I integrate it and I process it. And I do weird hippie clearing practices and like I need to reset my energy to show up a hundred percent for the next person.

• 55:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and for your, your, your kid, your husband, like your friends, family.

• 55:45Ellen Vora?

  It's very inefficient, but it's the only way I know how to do it well.

• 55:49Lewis Howes?

  I feel like it'd be so interesting to be a therapist because especially if you're very empathetic. Cause you give your whole heart and soul to the person for however long you're with them. And it's harder to compartmentalize and just shift right into the next thing. Five minutes later, okay, on to the next thing and I, you know, someone just telling me about being all this trauma. And oh, I just compartmentalize it.

• 56:13Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 56:14Lewis Howes?

  What happens when we compartmentalize things in our life in general? And we don't fully allow them to come in and out and flow.

• 56:21Ellen Vora?

  I love the way Chinese medicine thinks about these things. Like they really understand that it's this interconnected web and there's energy flowing in between, qi flowing. And it's like if you Compartmentalize, or if you push trauma like a bunch of junk into a closet and then like close the door and like stuff it all in there, it just creates this like blockade in the energy flow. So then your chi is sort of flowing and then it like hits the blockade and it's like, eh, what do we do here? And that stagnation, it creates pain, it creates symptoms, creates illness. And so really anywhere we have that kind of blockade, we actually need to work on taking away the blockade. Can we let the energy flow freely everywhere? I think compartmentalization can be helpful in discreet, short-term circumstances, but

• 57:04Ellen Vora?

  I think overall, we need to integrate and let it all be interconnected.

• 57:07Lewis Howes?

  Right, interesting. So you may need to compartmentalize to get into the next thing during the day, but then eventually you have to learn how to like let it flow.

• 57:15Ellen Vora?

  I think so. I think so.

• 57:17Lewis Howes?

  What do you think should people be thinking about if they, if they realize like there's some type of pain, there's type of anxiety, maybe for me, I felt like this heart palpitations at times, like the anxiety would boil up into like physical pain in my chest or my throat, when I knew that I was out of integrity with my boundaries or out of alignment with who I am, with my vision, mostly in relationships. And abandoning myself was probably the biggest thing.

• 57:44Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 57:45Lewis Howes?

  When I would abandon myself over and over again, pretty much daily, to try to please someone else.

• 57:50Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 57:52Lewis Howes?

  I would feel the pain. Yeah, I feel the anxiety in my chest, in my throat, clenching.

• 57:59Lewis Howes?

  If someone's feeling anxious, what would be the first three things they could do from a holistic point of view to really start helping them to heal?

• 58:08Ellen Vora?

  Quick 50-part answer to that. So I think that, it reminds me of what you were talking about earlier with your childhood home. And I think that anybody, any child of sort of like, whether it's trauma, whether it's divorce, anywhere where you intuited as a kid, like this is a house of cards that might fall down and my survival would be at stake. Or you just care about the well-being of the other people. So you've figured out how to be keenly attuned to other people's needs, other people's triggers, and to basically make sure that you're not the source of the problem.

• 58:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:41Ellen Vora?

  You don't get to be the source of the problem, you don't get to have your meltdowns.

• 58:44Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 58:44Ellen Vora?

  You're the source of the solution, and you keep things calm, and you just like, you know, gray rock yourself so that they can survive, so that in turn you can survive, so that you don't lose that fundamental hearth, your basic trust and security in the world. And so that is a reasonable coping strategy. You're not blaming children for figuring that out. I think it's actually pretty savvy. But then in adulthood, we need to figure out, like, okay, that was adaptive then, and it's now become maladaptive. And so I think that this, you know, there's no way for me to hear you describe it this way and not think about chakras, and maybe I'm going a little too hippy-dippy for your audience.

• 59:19Lewis Howes?

  Bring it, it's all good.

• 59:20Ellen Vora?

  So, you know, these are energy vortexes in our body.

• 59:25Lewis Howes?

  Seven chakras, right? Is that what it is?

• 59:27Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, I think about that, I think that's right, seven, that's correct. And so, you know, this has to do with speaking our truth, and this has to do with love. And I think that compassion also, everything, you know, and self-love. And I think that, bringing up Marshall Rosenberg again, he has this true yes and true no paradigm, where it's like, we go through our life, and you bump into somebody, and they're like, "Oh, hey, I haven't seen you in 15 years, let's get coffee next Thursday." And what you feel instantly is, "Oh, God, I'm busy, I'm stretched thin, I have no bandwidth, I'm promoting this book, I need leftover time I want to give to my own healing, and spending time with my daughter, and end of story. This is low priority." That's what goes through your mind very quickly. What you hear your mouth speak is,

• 1:00:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I love the idea.

• 1:00:10Ellen Vora?

  "Okay, great, let's do it."

• 1:00:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I was hoping you made it happen.

• 1:00:12Ellen Vora?

  You're in the neighborhood of mine, yeah. So, we're giving our false yes all the time.

• 1:00:17Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 1:00:17Ellen Vora?

  And the world conditions us also, I think, especially women, especially children of trauma, like, but basically, we're conditioned constantly to people-please, to not disappoint people, to solve other people's problems. And so we say yes.

• 1:00:29Lewis Howes?

  To be unselfish and all these things.

• 1:00:30Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, and selfish is an interesting concept to unpack. But so basically, we're giving our false yes. And every time we do that, first of all, it doesn't end well. You know, we either flake at the last minute, or we get stretched too thin and we are burned out. Or, you know, I love the one where it's like we go, but we resent the other person. Which if you ever were like.

• 1:00:50Lewis Howes?

  But you're the one who's going. Yeah, you're the one. You're resenting yourself and the other person.

• 1:00:55Ellen Vora?

  Own it. And then like, if you were the person on the other side, you wouldn't want someone to say yes to you and then later resent you for it. So it's not cool. And so, and then, but more importantly, we systematically silence our truth. It's every time a little betrayal of the self. And so we get, you know, throat chakra imbalance from that because we just keep silencing what is actually our truth. That I think when we don't speak our truth in some form, some arena, funky things happen in the throat chakra. And so, and I think that, you know, you were saying in your relationship.

• 1:01:29Lewis Howes?

  The throat felt like someone was strangling me.

• 1:01:32Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:32Lewis Howes?

  Different times. And again, none of these partners were bad people. They were all, you know, they're people. And I chose to silence myself. You know, so I don't put blame on anyone.

• 1:01:43Ellen Vora?

  Well, you learned to silence yourself through, you know, it was an adaptation in childhood.

• 1:01:47Lewis Howes?

  Yes, yes.

• 1:01:47Ellen Vora?

  And now you're moving.

• 1:01:49Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy. Okay, so that was part of the explanation for the process for learning to heal yourself. Was there anything else there that you were gonna share?

• 1:01:58Ellen Vora?

  Remind me the way you phrased it. I liked it.

• 1:02:01Lewis Howes?

  First few things people should start to do if they're feeling stress, pain, anxiety, how to start really healing themselves.

• 1:02:07Ellen Vora?

  Yep. So, so let's get into like brass tacks. So I think that anybody who's struggling with anxiety, start with false moods and realize like, how do you do with caffeine? It's not a fun one. I don't make any friends with this one. Nobody likes this because caffeine is like our savior and is our one true friend in the world. It's not inherently bad. Like coffee has antioxidants and magnesium. It's associated with lower risk of type 2 diabetes, Parkinson's and suicide. Like, you know, not inherently bad. But bio-individuality, we're all different. And some people are rapid metabolizers. And they can have the espresso after dinner and go straight to bed, no muss, no fuss. And some of us, people like me, are slow metabolizers. And if I have like a coffee at brunch, then I'm effectively on cocaine that day. Don't sleep for a week. So basically, know yourself.

• 1:02:51Ellen Vora?

  And even if the world is telling you coffee's great. If you're sensitive and it makes you tremulous and it makes you sort of like prone to spiral when something stressful happens. Life is always going to show up with a stressor. So maybe it's not the right substance for you. PSA, don't ever go off it precipitously. You always want to go off very gradually because it's a real drug with a real withdrawal. So there's, you know, we'll have irritability and fatigue and headaches if we go off of it too quickly. And I do want to just point out, when it comes to coffee. We feel so good when we drink coffee because it's the antidote to its own withdrawal. It gets credit for relieving us from a state that it actually created originally.

• 1:03:32Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:03:32Ellen Vora?

  And so we just bear that in mind as we celebrate and like lift coffee up. But it's like, yeah, it kind of created the problem itself. And so that's one thing to look at. Blood sugar is a huge thing to look at. And that's as simple as just recognizing. In the modern food landscape, a lot of us are on a blood sugar roller coaster. Because our diet is refined carbohydrates and coffee drinks that are actually milkshakes and rosary all day.

• 1:03:55Lewis Howes?

  Brats and pastas all day, yeah.

• 1:03:56Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so we are, you know, our blood sugar spikes. And then our body chases that with insulin and then it crashes. And our body has a system of checks and balances to deal with that blood sugar crash. We release cortisol and adrenaline. It communicates to the liver to break down our storage of glycogen or starch that it keeps there. That restores normal blood sugar, saves the day, and that's great. But a side effect of that is that it was a fire of alarm fire in the body. So we're in a stress response and that can feel synonymous with anxiety and panic, feeling easily overwhelmed, or when you're asleep, waking up throughout the middle of the night. So just keeping your blood sugar stable is a profoundly impactful change you can make. And there's like the definitive solution, which is eating a blood sugar stabilizing diet.

• 1:04:41Ellen Vora?

  For some people, retraining their metabolism with things like intermittent fasting. And for anybody who's just like overwhelmed by that conversation, is like, show me somewhere easier to start. You can do something like a spoonful of almond butter, or ghee, or coconut oil, or even a handful of nuts at regular intervals, just to give you a safe D net of blood sugar. So it wants any crash.

• 1:05:02Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:05:02Ellen Vora?

  And that's a big one. Alcohol, nobody likes that conversation. But it's interesting the way it works. It gives us a rush of GABA, which is a neurotransmitter we're not really talking enough about. We talk about serotonin, everybody knows about that. But GABA is the primary inhibitory neurotransmitter in our central nervous system. And it's the one that tells us, like, it's gonna be okay. And I think GABA is an endangered species of modern life. There's so much about modern life that's an assault on our GABA. All the way from alcohol and benzodiazepines, things like Xanax and Klonopin, to the fact that when we have dysbiosis in our gut, and we've maybe lost some of the beneficial bacteria, we can lose certain bacteroides species that help us manufacture GABA.

• 1:05:47Ellen Vora?

  So we might even just not even have the gut bacteria to have enough of GABA in our bodies to feel calm. So alcohol gives us a rush of GABA, and then our body doesn't care whether or not we're relaxed. It just wants us to survive. So...

• 1:06:03Lewis Howes?

  How bad is alcohol when it comes to anxiety?

• 1:06:05Ellen Vora?

  I think it's great for a couple hours, and then it's really destructive. And so I'm here to say, there's no dogma, right? It's like, it's always the act of radical self-love. But I think most of us benefit from at least being informed about like physiologically what's happening. Physiologically, what's happening with alcohol.

• 1:06:26Ellen Vora?

  Is our body sees that relaxation and thinks this puts us at risk of not being sufficiently alert or vigilant or cautious in if a threat were to occur. If a leopard comes around the corner, we're going to be too buzzed to care. So it thinks must restore homeostasis. And it converts that GABA into a neurotransmitter called glutamate, which is excitatory. And that's why after you've had a few drinks, that second half of the night, you're tossing and turning. You're not sleeping well. You're irritable the next day, you're picking a fight with your partner. It's the glutamate effect. So it's worth at least knowing that. And then anytime you're deciding whether or not to have a drink, you just make that decision consciously from a place of self-love.

• 1:07:07Ellen Vora?

  Sometimes the act of self-love is to say, I'm not drinking tonight. And sometimes it's to have whiskey neat. And you just have to make that choice eyes wide open.

• 1:07:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, go ahead.

• 1:07:20Ellen Vora?

  And then let's just say, you know, there's a lot of things we can do, but nutrition is a biggie. And that gets into a whole conversation about how to strike that balance. But we right now have a conversation around nutrition that's very focused on the nose. Like go gluten-free and dairy-free and sugar-free. And did you know about the industrially processed vegetable oils? And those are a hidden source of inflammation. And I'm all for that conversation. I could have it all day. But we also need to focus on deeply nourishing our bodies. We need to kind of eat the way our great-great-grandmothers ate, where there was an understanding of balance and nutrient density. And how do we get sufficient healthy fats and the micronutrients like B12 and folate? And so if you want to heal your anxiety, it's really about how do you give your body that juicy nourishment?

• 1:08:06Ellen Vora?

  So you have all the raw materials that allow your brain to function well.

• 1:08:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:10Ellen Vora?

  And then sleep is a big one.

• 1:08:12Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely. We've had a few sleep experts on here. I love those. Radical self-love, there's also a book, I think, called Radical Honesty. I'm not sure if that was by a therapist as well, but like being radically honest with yourself and other people, I believe may cause a momentary feeling of stress or letdown or disappointment. But overall, you'll feel proud of yourself for being honest. It's interesting, as I started dating my current girlfriend. I, after a couple of months of kind of hanging out and dating, I told her, "I'm always gonna be honest with you, and you're not gonna like it." And I've said this in every relationship beforehand, but no partner I've had has been able to handle my honesty. And I was like, "I don't know if you're gonna be able to handle it."

• 1:08:56Lewis Howes?

  Because I've seen a pattern where no one's been able to handle my honesty. You're not gonna like what I have to say. You're not gonna like the things I believe. There may be certain things you don't like. And so as she would ask me certain questions about just like life and relationships and the future, you know, "What do you believe in this and this?" I go, "I'm gonna, do you want me to tell you the truth? Because I don't think you're gonna like it." She's like, "Yes." She's been able to hand, like, hold the truth, right? Which makes me trust that I can continue to be more and more honest. But I, the more radically honest I am, and then when you can be with someone who can receive it, then I feel like I'm not abandoning myself, right?

• 1:09:38Lewis Howes?

  I'm not, I'm not abandoning myself, I'm not betraying myself, because I can speak my truth and someone can receive it. But it's hard for people to receive the truth. Why is that?

• 1:09:48Ellen Vora?

  Yeah. I think, well, let me push back a tiny bit.

• 1:09:51Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:09:52Ellen Vora?

  I don't have all the answers on this one, but I always see it in terms of the sort of like, in the yoga tradition, there's the yamas and the niyamas. There's this idea of, there's satya, truthfulness, but then there's also ahimsa, non-harming.

• 1:10:05Lewis Howes?

  Non-harming.

• 1:10:06Ellen Vora?

  Non-harming. And that, I really think of it as like, those two always need to be,

• 1:10:13Ellen Vora?

  you don't ever just go all into one without a dose of the other.

• 1:10:17Lewis Howes?

  Sure. Well, being, yeah, having some context when you're speaking the truth and not trying to be like, not being like, "You suck" or something, but like, "Here's my truth." And being, finessing certain things, but being honest at the same time.

• 1:10:29Ellen Vora?

  I think what's, partly what's challenging about honesty is that we, when goals are not aligned, right? And part of what we're all playing at sometimes unwittingly is I want to achieve my goal, and in order to get there, I need you to keep believing this thing that's not completely true. And like say in a relationship, I don't want to make any assumptions at all, but something that comes up a lot is like, um, somebody wants to marry the other person. And if they knew that that wasn't like that, we weren't marching towards that, maybe this is an opportunity cost and they'd get out and start anew with somebody else. And this person's like, I have no idea if this is headed towards marriage. I just don't know. And, um, but in a sense,

• 1:11:12Ellen Vora?

  you almost have to keep up that lie by omission to like have it continue. Because your goal is like, well, I don't know, but I want to keep finding out.

• 1:11:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, maybe, yeah.

• 1:11:20Ellen Vora?

  And so I, I think it gets so tricky, but I, I, it's something I haven't mastered. I like what Eckhart Tolle has to say about how the ego sort of like really resists honesty. Like I always find that this comes up when I need to apologize for something, when I need to be accountable for when I messed up. And why is it that my ego is like dragging its heels, heading towards this apology and be like, no, no, no, don't say it. And then you say it and it's rupture and repair.

• 1:11:47Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:11:48Ellen Vora?

  And everything's better afterward and it's softer and it's more tender and you can connect and you feel like, wow, like there's a feeling of self-efficacy with it. And yet somehow every time my ego is still resistant. And so

• 1:12:02Lewis Howes?

  Cause you don't want to rupture.

• 1:12:03Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:04Lewis Howes?

  It's not fun.

• 1:12:04Ellen Vora?

  The rupture's scary.

• 1:12:05Lewis Howes?

  It's scary.

• 1:12:06Ellen Vora?

  Yeah. But it almost always ends well, in the right partnership. But that itself is interesting. Cause if rupture doesn't go well, there's your answer, right?

• 1:12:14Lewis Howes?

  Then it's this explosion and blow up and

• 1:12:16Ellen Vora?

  Right. But a lot of us do carry some, um, fear of abandonment, fear of loss. And so even if something needs to end, um, we still just

• 1:12:24Lewis Howes?

  It's still scary.

• 1:12:25Ellen Vora?

  We don't want it to be today.

• 1:12:26Lewis Howes?

  I was resistant in pretty much every relationship to end things when I knew that I probably should end it.

• 1:12:32Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:33Lewis Howes?

  You know, I was afraid of it. I was scared of it.

• 1:12:35Ellen Vora?

  More fear of hurting the other person or just losing the person?

• 1:12:38Lewis Howes?

  Um, hurting the other, the other person.

• 1:12:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, hurting another person, the other person like being angry at me.

• 1:12:45Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so even the fear of hurting another person is sometimes pure compassion for the other person's experience and sometimes it's fear of that person having a judgment towards you.

• 1:12:54Lewis Howes?

  It's both, yeah, I have like the extremes of both. But I would at least communicate, I'd be like, listen, I don't know why we're like if we're supposed to be together. It wasn't like I was, you know, not saying anything, but I'd be like, should we be together? I don't know. But then it would be like this anxious, sad conversation. And I was like, well, actually, everything's okay. And then I didn't have the courage to really say what I needed to say.

• 1:13:15Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:16Lewis Howes?

  And so it was challenging.

• 1:13:18Ellen Vora?

  Well, there's also this thing, we have a cultural understanding of like, that I think Hollywood informs us on this, that if it's right, if it's like the one, that there's going to be this high chemistry experience. Sometimes it's true, but I think sometimes high chemistry actually just belies the fact that your schemas and life traps and trauma line up with their schemas, life traps and trauma, and then you sort of lock and key on the bad stuff. And it generates high chemistry.

• 1:13:44Lewis Howes?

  That's, that's how I felt in the previous relationships, most previous ones, yeah.

• 1:13:48Ellen Vora?

  And that burns very bright and then burns out.

• 1:13:50Lewis Howes?

  And burns out.

• 1:13:51Ellen Vora?

  And, and it often doesn't end, it's not pretty. And in a way, sometimes the right relationship generates low chemistry initially, and we take that as an indication of like, meh, not really feeling it, let me get out. But it actually could be an indication of you're showing up with healthy boundaries and a very accurate assessment of, we don't yet know if this is the right relationship.

• 1:14:14Lewis Howes?

  Exactly. You just met for the first week, how are you supposed to know? Yeah.

• 1:14:17Ellen Vora?

  But there might be reason to continue to try to find out. And so I, I think many of us actually need to decouple high chemistry from it's the one.

• 1:14:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes, I think so too. Because there's a lot of people that have high chemistry and then they end up not working out or getting divorced or whatever. So if that's not the solution, what is the solution? I've always been, not always in the last year, I've realized that for me, my thesis is love is not enough. That love alone is not enough. You need the right values aligned, you need the right vision aligned, and you need the right lifestyle aligned.

• 1:14:50Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:50Lewis Howes?

  Aligned. Doesn't need to be a hundred percent perfect and everything the same, but it's got to be in alignment in those areas. Otherwise, there will be some type of letdown, breakdown.

• 1:15:01Lewis Howes?

  You know, a challenge that is unnecessary than if you were in an aligned relationship of those three things. And you probably have more wisdom on this than I do, but that's just from my personal experience.

• 1:15:13Ellen Vora?

  To me, the sine qua non, like the kind of without which not for a relationship that's worth investing in. It's for me, it's personal, but there needs to be good communication.

• 1:15:23Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:15:23Ellen Vora?

  And then there actually needs to be an openness to growth. And I think if you have those two things, you can take on the world.

• 1:15:28Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:15:29Ellen Vora?

  Because any challenge, any difference in opinion, any stressor that's putting the relationship in a crucible, if you can communicate about it well, which is a big ask.

• 1:15:39Lewis Howes?

  Without screaming or reacting or making someone wrong or judging.

• 1:15:42Ellen Vora?

  Yeah. All that violent communication is sort of like you, you know, it's more like, well, like, here's what's alive in me.

• 1:15:48Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:15:49Ellen Vora?

  Here's my experience.

• 1:15:50Lewis Howes?

  So communicating effectively, consciously.

• 1:15:52Ellen Vora?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:15:52Lewis Howes?

  Conscious communication.

• 1:15:54Ellen Vora?

  Which so many of us fall into what was modeled for us by our parents. And we get real stuck in that, especially for sleep deprived or stressed or work is hard.

• 1:16:03Lewis Howes?

  Overwhelmed, yeah.

• 1:16:03Ellen Vora?

  You have a kid, you know, there's so many things that make it even harder. But the openness to growth, you know, I find my partner and I, maybe like we grow in this sort of like staggered way. So like, you know, I went to Brazil and 11 ayahuasca ceremonies came back, I'm all wise now, young thing, you know.

• 1:16:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:21Ellen Vora?

  But a kind of like, will you come with me on this journey? Like, I think that there's something here to keep exploring.

• 1:16:27Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:16:27Ellen Vora?

  And if both people are game, that you can take on the world.

• 1:16:31Lewis Howes?

  The thing I love about my girlfriend the most is she's probably, I would consider myself very beginner's mind. Like, I'm always interviewing, I'm always learning, I'm always researching to try to improve and find better solutions. I'd say probably, you know, I'm just committed to that. My life is about learning and growth and having a beginner's mind at all stages. And she's equal, if not more than me, which is kind of like, I've never met a partner who is as hungry for growth, which gets me like, very excited.

• 1:17:04Lewis Howes?

  There's almost times where I'm like, okay, like, we don't have to listen to podcasts right now. Or we can just not read this, take this workshop online. Let's just like chill out and like watch TV for a second, you know? But it excites me because she wants to have that growth mentality as well. Which makes me feel like, with what you're saying, the right communication and a growth mindset is really the key to like seeing if something can can grow, right? In a relationship.

• 1:17:29Ellen Vora?

  And and I think I'm glad you brought up that. I think that there is growth burnout sometimes. Like, you know, anytime you even so much as like clean one dish, you need to be listening to a podcast.

• 1:17:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:17:38Ellen Vora?

  It's like, you know.

• 1:17:38Lewis Howes?

  Maximize all your time for like learning.

• 1:17:40Ellen Vora?

  And I think that like, you know, coming back to Chinese medicine, or really it's a Taoist principle, like the yin and yang. And we're in a moment in time in the West where we are obsessed with the yang. That's the masculine doing, active sun energy, productivity. And we really devalue the yin. And that's this more feminine, receiving, non-doing, resting moon energy. And even when we are into yin, sometimes it's actually in service of yang. It's like, I'm gonna meditate so I can be more productive.

• 1:18:08Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 1:18:08Ellen Vora?

  It's like, no, that's that's yang in yin's clothing. And and I think that we do actually need to find balance. And it's important to recognize, since we're living in such a cultural obsession with yang, most of the time the balance is actually towards more yin. And so sometimes you do dishes in silence. Sometimes you take a car ride and it's just music.

• 1:18:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, nothing.

• 1:18:27Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, nothing.

• 1:18:29Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that the all? Yeah, that's interesting.

• 1:18:31Ellen Vora?

  Can I do one detour back to psych meds?

• 1:18:34Lewis Howes?

  Bring it to me.

• 1:18:34Ellen Vora?

  Because I feel I feel like incomplete on, I was just like, I have a controversial view on psych meds and I just left it at that.

• 1:18:41Lewis Howes?

  Sorry, go ahead.

• 1:18:42Ellen Vora?

  I think that it's quite likely that many people watching, listening right now, take a psychiatric medication. So it's so important for me to represent them and basically say, my approach here is not against psychiatric medications. I think that I've had patients helped by them. I start patients on psychiatric medications from time to time. Like, there's no dogma against that. But I think 99.9% of psychiatrists, that's their main tool.

• 1:19:08Lewis Howes?

  It's just saying, okay, you've got this challenge, let's just prescribe you something.

• 1:19:11Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, and sometimes it goes well, and that's great. And if it's gone well for you, and you're like, this has helped me, there's no shame in that. Don't need to overthink that or look back. Like, consider yourself one of the lucky ones and go for it. But I think that I'm here to say I'm aware of the many, I would say millions of people who have not been sufficiently helped by mental health as it stands. Whether they started a med and it helped initially and then the effect waned, or they've tried every medication and nothing really helped, or they're on something and they have to get off of it for one reason or another, another medication contraindication or family planning considerations, and they're struggling to get off. So there's a lot of people whose needs aren't being met by psychiatry as it stands.

• 1:19:54Ellen Vora?

  And for them, I'm here to say, there's a reason to be hopeful. There's so many other ways to ascend this mountain. And so there's nothing against psych meds here, but if it's not, if it hasn't been the solution for you, like come on this journey with me. There's so many other things we can do to get you to a place where you feel well, where you're able to achieve a fulfilling life.

• 1:20:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. What's a prescription you need to give yourself for this next year?

• 1:20:23Lewis Howes?

  Is it do nothing and rest more? Is it take on something? Is it look into something and pull back the curtain? What's the?

• 1:20:30Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so a big part of it is slowing down and spaciousness. I want to just fully savor this precious moment with my daughter who's six right now. And it's just, this is, this is it. Like this is the main course. And it's as good as it's ever gonna be. I feel like at a certain point she's a teenager and we look at all these people who have complicated relationships with their parents. I see that through such a different lens now that I am a parent. I'm like, oh no. Like I'm gonna be the parent and I, this is the most important person in the world to me. Are we gonna have a good relationship? So I really wanna slow down and be present for that as much as possible. And I think what you brought up around

• 1:21:12Ellen Vora?

  releasing the, whatever pushback I get on the book, whether it's like, you know,

• 1:21:18Ellen Vora?

  Sometimes it'll just be like angry people being angry, haters hating, you know, and like that's easier to release but still gets me off balance. But sometimes it's really useful feedback that still hurts to hear. And I think to be able to take that and integrate the pearl buried in the feedback, but to not need to feel like what's happening here has anything to do with how people evaluate me. That I have put a labor of love, a decade of practice, a lot of perspectives, insights and learnings, and put it out into the world and hopefully helps some people. And like that that's enough and I can let it be at that.

• 1:21:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, that's great. How can we turn anxiety into a superpower?

• 1:22:00Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so we have such a cultural attitude towards like, don't be so sensitive. And you know, it's like whether you can't tolerate gluten or crowds or loud noises, you know, we shame ourselves for that. Like, you know, I'm so sensitive. If you're sensitive in one way, you're sensitive in every sense of the word in my book. And that's an obvious superpower. Like the same people that can't handle gluten and crowds are also really attuned to other people. They're sensitive to other people's needs. They're the ones that pick up on the body language and the micro expressions and realize like someone's not feeling hurt or someone's not getting their needs met. And I think that they're intuitive. And we need that so sorely right now in the world.

• 1:22:43Ellen Vora?

  We need people with their finger on the pulse who can sense like, here's how we as a species need a course correction. And so I think like we all need to not be shaming the sensitive folks or the anxious folks who are being too sensitive. I think we need to shut up and listen to what they have to say because I think that they're here in a sort of prophetic capacity.

• 1:23:05Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. I love this. I hope people get the book, The Anatomy of Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming the Body's Fear Response. I think this type of work is some of the most important work we all should be learning throughout our rest of our lives. You know, at different seasons of life, we're gonna be dealing with different stresses or anxieties. And what would you say is the root cause of all fear?

• 1:23:35Ellen Vora?

  So ostensibly, it's the fear of death and of losing the people we love. But I think like, maybe, and I'm not saying I'm certain about this, but I'm increasingly curious about the fact that that ostensible ultimate fear is an illusion and that-

• 1:23:54Lewis Howes?

  The fear of death and losing someone?

• 1:23:56Ellen Vora?

  That that that may not be the whole story of what's happening here with existence. I don't know, but I get a lot of meaning and comfort from the idea that there might be something just slightly less comprehensible happening. Less, yeah.

• 1:24:14Lewis Howes?

  Overcoming the body's fear response. It's hard to create a meaningful life consistently when we're in an anxious state, in a fear state. It's much easier to feel and create a loving environment and relationship from a place of love and peace than fear, stress, and anxiety.

• 1:24:35Ellen Vora?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:35Lewis Howes?

  So I think it's something we all want to get back to if we're not there right now, or want to stay in, in that state as much as possible. So make sure you guys pick up a copy of The Anatomy of Anxiety. How they recommend this. Powerful stuff from Ellen Forah. A couple final questions for you. Where can we go and support you? Where can we follow you? Where can we support you the most?

• 1:24:58Ellen Vora?

  Yeah, so I'm at Ellen Forah M D on the various social platforms. Like, you know, I spend most of my time on Instagram, but I have a couple of very awkward Boomer videos on TikTok as well. And then my website is EllenForah.com and you can buy the book wherever you buy books.

• 1:25:15Lewis Howes?

  Awesome.

• 1:25:16Ellen Vora?

  And I'm a big supporter of local bookshops, but you know, whatever's easy.

• 1:25:20Lewis Howes?

  Okay, cool. This is a question I ask everyone at the end called the three truths question. So imagine a hypothetical scenario. It's your last day on earth. And for whatever reason, you've accomplished all of your dreams and goals of how you want to live your life. And you have created more content and books, but for whatever reason, when you die, you've got to take that stuff with you. Or it goes somewhere else, but we don't have access to your content and information. This interview is gone. This book is gone. Nothing's here. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. Three things you know to be true from your life experiences that you would share. What would you say are those three truths for you?

• 1:26:00Ellen Vora?

  I think number one is actually to reconnect to your intuition. And really learn to trust that. Which I think telescopes out into just trusting in general a bit more. I think number two is to prioritize community. And you know, to introverts hearing that and they're like, no. Like it's in whatever form and quantity is the right balance for you. But it needs to be connection to other people, animals, past. But that, that the relationships are really everything. And then I think the third is to live a life connected.

• 1:26:43Ellen Vora?

  And I mean that in many senses of the word. Connected to other people, connected to our intuition, connected to meaning and purpose, connected to our intention, to making our contribution. It doesn't have to be grand. It doesn't have to be intimidating or daunting. It's just what lights you up is the right contribution to be making, but stay connected to that.

• 1:27:06Lewis Howes?

  I love that. I gotta acknowledge you Ellen for a moment for putting yourself out there. I think it's challenging and scary sometimes to put ourselves out there. And you did it so beautifully in this book. And with all the praise and potential criticism that you have. I know that this is a big jump for you. So I really acknowledge you for using your life's work and putting it out and packaging it in a way where we can understand the scary parts about our life. I think anxiety stresses so many of us. Where it holds us back from joy, love, peace, connection, the things that you talked about are meaningful. So for you to use 20 plus years of studying this and applying it and share it with us here is such a beautiful gift. So I really acknowledge you for the gift.

• 1:27:51Lewis Howes?

  Final question, what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:27:55Ellen Vora?

  It's fulfillment and that is individual. It's whatever that means to you.

• 1:28:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Awesome. Alan, thank you so much for being here. Appreciate it.

• 1:28:03Ellen Vora?

  Thank you.

• 1:28:05Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys. So share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.