Caller: “Will My Affair Cost Me My Marriage?”

📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife wondering if her affair will destroy her marriage A woman struggling with her husband’s hurtful communication A man whose parents don’t approve of his fiancée Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤ ️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I had an affair. It was a two-week, yearly, physical thing.

• 0:11Dr. John Delony?

  What did the affair mean to you?

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Like, I felt alive. It felt like something that was all mine, to have this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids. It didn't have to be about my husband. It was all about me.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad you're here. There's a trillion podcasts and you picked this one. There's a hundred trillion YouTube clips and you picked this one. I'm so glad you're with us, talking to real people about real problems going on in their lives. Man, I'm just so grateful that everyone is here. Thank you so much for joining us. If you want to be on this show, we're talking about your marriages, your mental and emotional health, the affair, life after kids, life with kids, your mental and emotional, all of it. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will go to Kelly and she'll get you on the show. So, out to Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?

• 1:16Speaker 00

  Hi, John. How are you?

• 1:17Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right. How are you?

• 1:19Speaker 00

  I'm fine. Thank you.

• 1:20Dr. John Delony?

  What's up?

• 1:21Speaker 00

  I am calling today because I want to know how to respect my husband's wishes after my affair.

• 1:29Dr. John Delony?

  Phew, tell me more.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  Um, I had an affair back in June and since then, my husband has been on and off whether we should stay together or he wants to divorce me.

• 1:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, June, that's, I mean, we're taking this call at the beginning of August and so that's pretty, pretty fresh, right?

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:52Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the affair.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Um, it was a two-week, yearly, physical thing and it was some guy that I knew from back when I was a kid. My husband had just switched to being an over-the-road truck driver instead of an at-home truck driver. We've been distant for years, which of course is no excuse, but he gave me attention and I wanted that.

• 2:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. What, um, how long have you all been married?

• 2:29Speaker 00

  Uh, we just passed five years.

• 2:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  The beginning of July.

• 2:37Dr. John Delony?

  What did the, um, this is gonna sound like a strange question. What did the affair mean to you?

• 2:46Speaker 00

  You know, I've actually thought a lot about that and the answer that I can come up with is like, I felt alive. Like, it was, it sounds dumb.

• 2:55Dr. John Delony?

  No, that's, that's the most common answer I get, by the way.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  I'm glad to hear that. Um, it just, it felt like something that was all mine and it was, I, I got to have this little thing that was just about me. It didn't have to be about the kids. It didn't have to be about my husband. It didn't have to be about that I'm a responsible adult. It was just, it was all about me.

• 3:23Dr. John Delony?

  And now there's a chance that your life may truly be just all about you, right?

• 3:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  So, how did your husband find out? Tell me, tell me about the aftermath because again, it's pretty recent.

• 3:40Speaker 00

  So, he's known the whole time. Like, I thought I was really good at hiding it, but apparently not.

• 3:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  And he called me while he was on his way back from one of the states that he was in. It was just like, hey, and I just started crying and I was...

• 3:58Dr. John Delony?

  You just cut out on me. He said, he called you from another state and what did he say?

• 4:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, he was on his way back, because he's an over-the-road truck driver. He was on his way back and he was just like, I need you to tell me what's going on. Something's going on and I know that something's going on. And I was just, I start crying and I'm like, you're right. Like, I've, I've been having an affair with this guy and he was just like, what does that mean? I was just like, well, he's, we've been intimate several times. So then, he was just like, I can't talk about this right now. After I get off work, we'll talk about it. So, he got home and I'd already put the kids to bed. By the time he got home and he was trying to figure out what exactly that meant, when and how

• 4:43Speaker 00

  and kind of details. And then he was just like, I need to go somewhere for a couple days. So, he left, came back and he was just like, I, I don't want a divorce. Like, our boys deserve better. My kids deserve better. He's got two kids from his previous wife and then we have two boys together.

• 5:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  And I was just like, okay, like, I don't know how to make this better, but I do know that, like, this was on me. This was not anything you did that led me to this. And he was just like, no, I have, I know I haven't been a good husband. And I was just like, even still, it doesn't deserve this kind of betrayal. And he was like, I get that. So then we were able to talk and then it turned the next day where he's screaming at me, yelling at me, telling me he wants a divorce, calling me all sorts of names. We have this punching bag that he brought into the living room and anytime he was talking to me, he's hitting the punching bag and very aggressive, like, in my face. And then the next day,

• 5:43Speaker 00

  it was back to, I love you. I'm sorry. I know I messed up. Like, we can work on this. I don't trust you, but I know I need to figure out how. So then I told him what you said of, here's how we rebuild trust. Cause it's a week by week kind of, we're checking in. How can I love you today? Here's what I need from you. And then through the actions consistently over time, learn how to rebuild trust.

• 6:14Speaker 00

  He didn't like that very much. He wanted it a right-of-way thing.

• 6:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:18Speaker 00

  Then after, I don't know, a month, maybe, of going back and forth, this is the end of July, he, he said he just needed some actual space away from me and not just a couple of days. So, I took our boys to stay with my parents in a different state and he called me a couple of days into that trip and he was like, I'm done. Like, I'm filing paperwork. I can't do this with you.

• 6:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, is, is, has he filed?

• 6:54Speaker 00

  He has not.

• 6:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 6:56Speaker 00

  It is now, I've been back home for just over a week and it's, pretty consistently, he's saying, I still want a divorce, but then he'll come back a couple hours later. I want to work this out and I want to want to work this out. I just don't know how to get past this.

• 7:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, what happened in his first marriage?

• 7:22Speaker 00

  Um, they got married right out of high school, like, high school graduation. They ran away together and eloped. And then they had a kid right away and then another one a couple of years after that. And she had been having multiple affairs.

• 7:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that's what I was...

• 7:38Speaker 00

  Their entire relationship.

• 7:40Dr. John Delony?

  That's what I, like...

• 7:41Speaker 00

  And his mom had had multiple affairs throughout him growing up.

• 7:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So, like...

• 7:46Speaker 00

  This cuts deep for him.

• 7:48Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. The, so, let me, let me say this above and beyond everything, okay? I've heard you take ownership. I've heard you, like, regardless of your marriage wasn't great. He was on the road, trying to provide for his family, yada, yada. You, you're taking full ownership. I went and slept with somebody else. Like, I, I hear you owning that and that's good. The, the big picture though is, nobody in any circumstance needs to not feel safe in their own house. Okay? So, if he's making violent threats, if he's screaming, if he's punching things while he's yelling, like, I'm leaving. I'm getting the kids and

• 8:29Dr. John Delony?

  I'm leaving. Okay? Now, we, I, I want to just put a, put a, like, a nail in that coffin. Safety's first. Okay? So, I'm assuming, I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt that,

• 8:46Dr. John Delony?

  like, you've heard me say, it sounds like you've listened to the show before, like, you blew the world up. And so, there's some volatility there. Meaning, one day it's gonna feel good, next day it's like, this is insane, the next day it's gonna feel good, then at night, all he's gonna do is just keep having, like, lightning bolts of images of you having sex with somebody else. And it's gonna be layered, like you said, on top of his first wife cheating on him all the time, his mom blowing up his childhood home. And so, yeah, you're right. There's a ton here. Okay? And probably underneath all of that is, he swore to himself, especially after his first wife, I will never put up with this again.

• 9:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, he said that.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  And then it happened again. Right? And so, he is at war with himself. Are you a guy that you can trust? That's what he's, that's what his body's asking itself. And if you don't keep your promises to yourself, you get what I'm saying? So, that war, that volatility you're feeling is originating inside his chest. Okay?

• 9:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  And you're there in the room and you're the recipient of that up and down, but that war is inside of him. And so, the first thing he's gotta do is go sit with somebody and unpack it. I think space was wise. I'm glad he had the courage to say that and I'm glad you had a place to go with the boys for several weeks. Space was good, but if he just used that space as a time to hit the punching bag and to replay his imagination of you and this guy having sex over and over again, that wasn't productive time. In fact, it was entrenchment, it was entrenchment time.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  No, that's what it appears it was.

• 10:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. It was entrenchment time. It actually reinforced the fantasies, the stories he's got, just, not the stories, the movies he's got playing inside his head. So, when you told him what I say, you left out a key part. And you're all, you're all good there. I love that. I love the sound of kids. Um, you left out a key part and the key part is, he gets to give you a path to reestablish trust and you get to decide whether you, as a grown woman, are gonna walk it or not.

• 11:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so it's not just a matter of how can I love you today and it is I'm gone five days a week. And so here's what I'm gonna ask of you.

• 11:22Dr. John Delony?

  You still there?

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'm here.

• 11:24Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. So if he won't do that or can't do that, then nothing else works. Cause he's gonna be chasing a feeling. I'll trust her when I don't have these images popping in my mind. I'll trust her when, and he's gone five days a week, over the road.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  So he's gonna be chasing a feeling of trust instead of the actions of trust.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  And I have to, I have to be super honest with you. I understand, and tell me if I'm out to lunch here. You know, what you did violated your core sense of value and you know what you did hurt your husband, but I'm not hearing that you regret that it happened.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  I definitely regret it.

• 12:11Dr. John Delony?

  If you could go back.

• 12:12Speaker 00

  Every single day, if I could go back and change it, I know exactly the moment where I was like, you know what, it's okay. Like I am so done. Like it's, I'm very aware of what I did and I would change it in an absolute heartbeat.

• 12:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:31Speaker 00

  This was not worth those two weeks.

• 12:33Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 12:34Speaker 00

  This wasn't even worth once.

• 12:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So the question before you and your marriage is, A, will he give you, and the week by week is, here's what I want this week. I want to see your phone. I want to, I want to look at all of your messages. I want us to share a single checking account so I know where all the money is coming and going. I want you to check in with me every, I'm making up stuff now, right? I'm being ridiculous, but I want you to check in with me every hour when I'm on the road. I want to geolocate your phone so I know where you are so I can look whenever I have a panic attack, I'm driving, where's my wife, where's my wife? I can just pull it up and look.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  He, he's gonna give you that map and then you get to decide whether I'm gonna do those things. And then at the end of that week, when he feels like, I don't feel like I trust her yet. A, that's right, but he's gonna have a path. He's gonna see she walked this path.

• 13:29Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so we're going to begin to teach our body that the feelings we have, cause his feelings are gonna do one thing, try to keep him safe.

• 13:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you aren't safe, cause you're just another in a long line of women who he trusted who hurt him. And so like, we're gonna have, he's gonna have to see action steps and begin to recalibrate his feelings. And that's hard, it just takes time. But if he's gonna throw around divorce, throw around filing, then y'all need to have that conversation.

• 14:03Speaker 00

  Well, I'm already doing all of those things. Like we didn't have a shared checking account. I stay at home with the kids. He would send me money or give me his card when I need to go get something.

• 14:12Dr. John Delony?

  Well, that's, that's a stupid way to do a life together. No, I mean.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Tell me about it. I've tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't care on that part.

• 14:21Dr. John Delony?

  And so reestablishing trust is, he can't sit on the side of the river and watch you row. He has to get both feet back in that boat too. And that means he's gotta have to risk getting hurt again.

• 14:34Dr. John Delony?

  And that's gonna be a scary proposition for a season.

• 14:40Dr. John Delony?

  But that means I, I have to risk, man, she did this too. I've gotta risk, we gotta go all in this thing together. Cause part of that aliveness, that's gonna be the lesson, I mean, that's gonna be the thing y'all have to work on down the road, which is how do we create aliveness inside of our own marriage? We have two little kids, you're gone a lot. We have to be extra intentional about creating life inside of our, of our own marriage, inside of our own home.

• 15:09Dr. John Delony?

  It can't just be that you sit at home like as a, basically a single mom with two kids, you're not, and you're trapped inside your own home and you're not allowed to leave. And you have to go beg daddy for money, like that, that's not a, that's not a marriage. He's your dad.

• 15:26Dr. John Delony?

  And you're the babysitter. You get what I'm saying?

• 15:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:34Dr. John Delony?

  I think the time.

• 15:35Speaker 00

  What would I do if he just wants to be done?

• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna have to own, this is the consequence of what I did. And then you're all gonna have to work on being the best co-parents possible.

• 15:53Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, what, what's the other alternative?

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:02Dr. John Delony?

  If he files on you, he files on you. But I, I think you not asking that question and y'all kinda dancing around it, cause he made a pretty, pretty grandiose proclamation.

• 16:13Dr. John Delony?

  And you're right to not just sit there and take it, but to sit down and say, okay, a month ago, you said you're filing for divorce. I'm in limbo here. I've told you, I want to rebuild this thing.

• 16:27Dr. John Delony?

  I'm asking you for a weekly path. It's gonna take time. There's not a light switch that you're gonna be able to flip. And I understand that I, in, in your first wife, your mom, I, I did it too.

• 16:41Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm a hundred percent recommitted to building this thing back up from the floor up.

• 16:47Dr. John Delony?

  And tell him, I'm not, i- i- if this is the truth, I'm not gonna file on you. I never will. Or if you want me to go do it, cause you don't have the courage to do it, I will.

• 16:58Dr. John Delony?

  But you can't just sit there in limbo. The kids can't be in limbo. He can't just sit there in limbo.

• 17:08Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 17:09Dr. John Delony?

  But man, this isn't gonna be fixed in 30 days. It's not gonna be fixed in six months. Or fix is the wrong word. It's not gonna be healed in six months. It's gonna take a long time. Cause this is a guy with deep, deep infidelity wounds already.

• 17:27Dr. John Delony?

  But it is gonna take both of you saying, what must be true for us to trust each other? So thanks for the call. I wish I had some better news for you, but I think right now it's a matter of clearing the deck and being really honest with each other. And the volatility, the ups and downs, the big swings, he needs to go sit with somebody. He's gonna, he's gonna melt himself from the inside out. And you need to go talk to somebody too. Hang the line here, we'll get you hooked up. We come back, a woman asks how to revisit what was said during a fight after the apology. We'll be right back.

• 18:02Dr. John Delony?

  The other day I went to the movies with my family. I used a driving app to get to the movie. I had to order my tickets online from another app. I had to order food in the theater using yet another app. Every app asks for loads of personal information, my home address, my phone number, my email address, my geolocation, my card number. And this was just to go to the movies with my family. No matter what you and I do, our personal information is everywhere on the internets. This is why I use and recommend Delete Me. We give away our personal data all the time and many of these apps and businesses turn around and sell our data for profit. There are hundreds of data broker websites collecting, posting and selling your personal information without your permission.

• 18:47Dr. John Delony?

  And most people don't even know it's happening. Delete Me finds your personal information on those data broker websites and their privacy experts get it removed for you, making you less vulnerable to personalized scams and spam. Delete Me keeps monitoring and removing your information throughout the year and they send you reports showing you exactly what they found and exactly what they've removed. Giving away your information sometimes is unavoidable, but Delete Me helps you take back control. Go to joindelete.me/deloney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindelete.me/deloney.

• 19:23Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Salt Lake City, Utah. Let's talk to Sarah. Hey Sarah, what's up?

• 19:28Speaker 02

  Hi, I'm just hanging out in my car, make sure the kids aren't here.

• 19:34Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool. So what's, what's going on?

• 19:37Speaker 02

  Um, so pretty much I'll keep it as, as simple as that. Um, just how do my partner and I actually talk about the things said during the fight? After the apology or after, you know, it's kinda just sat down?

• 19:53Speaker 02

  How do we talk about it and move forward?

• 19:56Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me what happened.

• 19:58Speaker 02

  Um, so I guess there's like a specific one that afterward I was writing and wrote into you, um, but it's kind of a repeating pattern where just as usually I bring up a want and I try to make sure to address it as like a want um in our relationship and then instead of it just being the conversation about that, um, he'll uh bring up like what I see is

• 20:35Speaker 02

  more like character personality issues of me. Um, and it it kind of, I guess, more so the original problem gets dropped and then becomes like a bigger issue. It can even be, you know, really long until we both kind of just get tired of it and either both apologize because we don't, you know, we love each other and we don't want to be in that fight or and it doesn't, but it doesn't, we don't really move forward. We don't

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  Tell, tell me, tell me.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Keeps happening.

• 21:11Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Long conversations, long drawn out conversations, never solve a problem, ever. Sometimes they are cathartic and they feel good because everyone's just tired.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:25Dr. John Delony?

  And I can give you a path for solving an actual issue, but there's something I, I, in my guts, I feel like there's something beneath this. So give me a real example. You told him one day, hey, I want this. And he responded with what? What did you tell him and then how did he respond?

• 21:45Speaker 02

  So the situation that um most recently happened um was very small compared to other ones we've had. Um, but I um kind of a bigger issue. I wanted better communication with his work schedule. Um, something for a long time we've kind of had issues with where, you know, if he's working late, I just want to feel like thought about, you know, it doesn't, he doesn't have to tell me what time he's coming home. He doesn't have to have like a clear plan, like, but I just want a quick text like, hey, I'm not gonna be coming home, you know, like it's gonna be a late night, just something.

• 22:29Dr. John Delony?

  Where does he work?

• 22:30Speaker 02

  Um, he got, he is a um plant manager at a machine shop.

• 22:36Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And there's not a regular routine or schedule?

• 22:40Speaker 02

  No, it's, it's kind of been, we're in one of those seasons, um, in a, in a winter storm, um,

• 22:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:48Speaker 02

  Where I, the shop kind of has turned over. He just became the manager, um, new ownership the last year about.

• 22:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  And um, it's kind of just a season of a lot of hours. I actually ended up um last week personally working there for like 15 hours to help out. Um, just, it's, it's a busy time and just meeting deadlines.

• 23:15Dr. John Delony?

  This isn't forever. This is just a messy season.

• 23:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, messy season. There's, there's even like an extra strategy for like this whole project, but even before that, it shouldn't be like, yeah.

• 23:27Dr. John Delony?

  So what in the world, what in the galaxy could his, could he have a problem with you saying, hey, at five or six, can you let me know?

• 23:45Speaker 02

  Um,

• 23:47Dr. John Delony?

  That seems like a basic form of human decency. That's not even a way you treat your wife. That's the way you treat a roommate. That's the way you treat any human on the planet. Hey, I'm not, it's gonna be a late one. What in the world is the, the negative response to that?

• 24:08Speaker 02

  Um, sorry.

• 24:11Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're good.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  Did that make it? I'm not sure. Sorry. Um.

• 24:17Dr. John Delony?

  Well, you're walking around your own home feeling like you're a nagging lunatic because you want to just, hey, are you coming home at six or at midnight? That's human decency.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  It is very refreshing to hear that, not in my own voice.

• 24:35Dr. John Delony?

  You're not, you're not insane, Sarah. I know many wives who are like, no, no, I want to know the minute and if I'm gonna call your supervisor and how dare you come home late. That's not you. You're just saying, hey, I need to know if to put an extra plate out.

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 24:55Dr. John Delony?

  Or I need to know if I need, if I'm gonna go to bed early tonight, if I want to stay up with you. I want to be a good wife. I want to be plugged in.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  I've tried to explain to him like, I'm good, like I, I have, so we are a blended, I guess, family. We have a lot of, it's been a rough road. Um, I have four kids, but we have 50, 50 custody and so they're at our house half time and like, like he is amazing, like when he's there, he's so plugged in. He does breakfast and he packs lunches. He's really an incredible person, like, and like, um, but it is like, it is just the feeling of being like communicated with, like the, and I've, I've, I've said that

• 25:45Speaker 02

  to him, like, I'm, like, our household functions really well and um, like, it's not a need, it's not a logistic, like, it's, there's not a, hey, I have to have you do this because it's, and I've, I've told him, like, it's just, I want to feel like you're thinking about me, that we're sharing this life together and that you know that, you know, we want you home and like, and if you're not coming home, like, that's totally fine, but like, that you know we're here.

• 26:17Dr. John Delony?

  And what's his response to that? What, what, how does he turn that into a character issue about you?

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Well, it kind of goes away from that because the response to that is kind of more so, um, just he got pulled into a meeting and didn't see the time and, you know, didn't realize how late it was. Um, but then it gets like moved away from that conversation completely into he was frustrated that I didn't consider his day, but like he had, and like he validly did, I did think about it because like I, I, I feel fairly like a participant in, in his, his shop. Um, and like he did have probably one of the worst

• 27:09Speaker 02

  days, just he was preparing for an audit and like it was, it was probably an unbelievable, stressful day. And like, and so his, he was like, you know, you didn't consider me and, and it, and there's just so many things of, you know, I don't consider, you know, I didn't consider his feelings. And then also there's no space for him to talk in the conversation. If I have negative feelings, then that's, you know, that's the atmosphere for the relationship. Like I control my feelings, control how we are and

• 27:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're kind, you're kind of losing me. It's getting really abstract. I, I, I'll give you the path forward, okay? Like the getting, there's a lot of scorekeeping going on, on his side, it sounds like. Look at all I'm doing. I've scored 30 points, so you need to score 30 points. That's just not how marriage works. Marriage works with, some days I need you to score 50 because I can only score 10. And some days I'm gonna take care of all four of these kids and I know you're having a crazy day. I know that. And I still love you.

• 28:34Dr. John Delony?

  And you're not out to lunch to, to wish he would step aside and be like, this day is bananas. I love you too. Or maybe he's not a I love you too texter kind of guy, whatever. But hey, I'm gonna be late tonight. Y'all do dinner without me. And so if you've given yourself a mantra, I'm okay with this season, I'm okay with the nature of the shop, I'm okay with this, and you're not, I want you to be honest with yourself about that. Okay?

• 29:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:09Dr. John Delony?

  If you're drowning in four kids, all over the place, all by yourself because he's working 15 hour days, I want you to be honest about it. I gotta get some help. Especially if this is just a season, this is the way things are gonna be for a while and, but they're not gonna be this way forever. Great, we're building something together. Awesome. The path for, I want to solve an actual problem. You've probably heard me say this on the show, I'll, I'll repeat it for you, but it's pretty simple and it's not foolproof and it's not um emotion proof. In fact, it's often the opposite, but it is you saying,

• 29:53Dr. John Delony?

  the story I'm making up is when you're fully working, I'm a bother to you. Thinking about us is a bother. And when you're working hard, the story I'm making up is you don't think I'm working hard too. The story I'm making up is I'm not worth a text message to say, hey, thinking about you. And whatever, and you going first saying, here's what I'm making up. And those stories make me feel small. They make me feel less than. They make me feel real, real sad. They make me feel like I'm doing this all by myself.

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  Because otherwise it's gonna, he's gonna think in his head, I'm working 15 hour days and I'm taking care of all this madness and I'm trying to provide and I get up and I do lunches and I do this and now she wants one more thing from me? And what, we want, we want to get away from that. To, he's just trying to run through a checklist because it sounds like the real thing is you miss your husband.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so saying, here's the stories I'm making up. Here's how I feel about them. And here's what I'm gonna do differently. Whenever I wonder if, why you haven't texted, I'm gonna text you. And I'm gonna start assuming if I don't hear from you by five or by six, that you're not coming home for dinner. And I'll plan accordingly.

• 31:30Speaker 02

  I guess, I kind of, I probably listen to your show too much, to be honest. I, I have tried that.

• 31:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 31:38Speaker 02

  And I've tried to have like that conversation with him. I've tried to show up that way.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  And what is, and it doesn't work? He doesn't care?

• 31:45Speaker 02

  And, yeah, it doesn't really feel like he's scorekeeping. Like, he does, um, like, I, I recognize that, like, like, it's like my recognition that he does show up so much. Like, he's not putting that out necessarily as like an attack. But it's, it's just, the, like, he just, and I think for like a long time since, you know, since we stopped dating each other, like, I feel like we stopped dating each other. You know, he just, he's at work, he comes home, he wants us to be convenient.

• 32:26Speaker 02

  And, like, and I've tried to rewrite, like, the narratives in my head. And, like, and I, like, part of me wants to be able to keep with that. But after, like, weeks of just telling myself, like, I know he cares. I know that, you know, like, I, I see the things that he does. And I know that's his way of showing me that he cares.

• 32:54Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that's, that's the problem, is it's my responsibility in my marriage to speak in a language that my wife can hear. Not to do all the things that I wanna do and expect her to interpret that. You know what I'm saying?

• 33:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:15Dr. John Delony?

  And so, there, there is...

• 33:24Dr. John Delony?

  The most telling thing you've told me on this call is, the expectation is that we're convenient. And that is an expectation that goes out the window when you take somebody else and say, "I'll, I'll, I'll marry you ride or die till one of us dies." That's not convenient. There's nothing about love that's convenient. There's nothing about marriage that's convenient. We're building something.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:52Dr. John Delony?

  The challenge for you is, it sounds like you've done the things. You've sat down and said, "Here's what I would love. Here's what I want. Here's what I want us to build together." And your husband said, "I don't want that."

• 34:11Dr. John Delony?

  Am I overstating it, or is that true?

• 34:17Dr. John Delony?

  He has said, "I wanna work on my career. I wanna help out with the kids. And I want y'all to kinda stay out of the way."

• 34:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what it feels like sometimes.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's a hard, hard place to find yourself. Hang on the line. I wanna hook you up with my buddy Luke LaFever. I want you to go through his, um, he teaches journaling courses, but he helps you get to the feelings beneath the feelings beneath the feelings. And I think, right now, you feel so lonely. And right now, you feel just nuts. And I want you to go through his course. So hang on the line here. I'll get your information. And I'll connect you with Luke. And he'll put you into his course. But I want you to go be a part of that for a few weeks, or maybe a few months. And this is something you can do on your own. And, uh, it won't cost you anything. But I want you to go through this.

• 35:17Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to begin to develop your voice. And not, not a dramatic, "This is my voice." I want you to develop, "Here's what's actually going on in my chest. Here's what I actually feel. And here's what I now know beneath the feelings, beneath the emotions. Here's what I know to be true." 'Cause I don't, I don't want spouses to have to manage each other. And I don't want spouses to be, ugh, this is gonna be an inconvenience to hear how my wife feels about something. So that I can get onto the more important things of scrolling, or having my alone time, or being left alone. That's not, that's not a life. It's not a marriage.

• 36:02Dr. John Delony?

  And yeah, if you're not married yet, I mean, you, you're getting a visual of five, 10, 15, 20 years down the road, what you're signing up for. And maybe he got hurt bad in his last marriage. And he circled the walls up and said, "Never again will I get hurt like that. I'm gonna manage every moment of my life." You get to decide whether you wanna be married to that or not.

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call. We come back, a man asks how to honor his parents while moving forward with his marriage. We'll be right back. You know why I keep talking about Cozy Earth? Because every Cozy Earth product I've ever tried has been great. So great that they've become integrated into my home. I love Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets. They're soft, they're breathable, they're temperature regulating. I've got them on almost every bed in my house. I love Cozy Earth's towels. They're awesome. I got the huge, thick, and ridiculously comfortable ones. And I got the thinner waffle towels. They all survive multiple loads in the dryer. They're the best. And, I'm not a pajama guy, but my wife and my daughter love their Cozy Earth pajamas.

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  They've started changing into them way before bedtime, 'cause they're so comfortable. Most companies have one thing they're known for. Cozy Earth somehow makes everything incredible. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Make home the best part of your life. All right, Allentown, Pennsylvania. Let's talk to Chris. Hey, Chris, what's up?

• 37:44Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 37:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right, brother. How are you?

• 37:47Speaker 03

  Excellent. I'm doing great. Thanks for taking my call.

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. What's up?

• 37:51Speaker 03

  So, I am getting married in a couple months.

• 37:53Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations.

• 37:54Speaker 03

  Super excited about that. Thank you. Yeah, great, uh, great support system. I'm, I'm just super excited. My, uh, my parents are not in support of the relationship or the marriage. And so, I, uh, I just wanted to talk to you a little bit about how maybe I can move forward relationally with them in this season and try and work through some of those things with them.

• 38:14Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. How old are you?

• 38:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm 35.

• 38:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Why don't your parents support your marriage?

• 38:22Speaker 03

  Uh, we are, all of us involved in this situation are, are born-again Christians. But they, uh, my, my fiance has been married and divorced before. And, uh, my parents are just very opposed to any kind of remarriage after divorce. It's a, it's a belief system thing.

• 38:41Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna sound crass, or, or, I'm gonna sound, not crass, uh, callous. Is that okay?

• 38:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, please.

• 38:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right. So, uh, like, as, and I'm gonna say things like, um, obtusely, like, I keep saying dorky words. Um, I'm gonna say things real direct. And I want you to push back on me if I'm wrong, okay?

• 39:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's one of the things I love about your show. Go for it.

• 39:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. You're 35. A.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  Are you gonna marry this woman?

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Yep.

• 39:12Dr. John Delony?

  Are you?

• 39:14Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Then, who cares what they say? Here's next thing. Underneath that, they've judged a lot of things you've done over the course of your life and held that over you for a long time. True or false?

• 39:30Speaker 03

  Uh, true.

• 39:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. They always have had opinions about decisions you've made and decisions they haven't made. And often, their opinions are wrapped in some sort of faith, value system of theirs. True or false?

• 39:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, true.

• 39:45Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So let's not expect anything different this time. The question you have to ask yourself is, are you still gonna marry her? You said yes.

• 39:55Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:55Dr. John Delony?

  B, you had a fantasy, a picture, a fantasy, I always use that word. It's the wrong word. You had a picture that you painted, that they were gonna be standing next to you at this wedding. They're not. And that, so, now I'm gonna retract to what my first statement I said. Who cares what they think? Of course you care what they think. They're your parents. And not only that, they are using the same label for their value system that you use for yours. But it's different. And so they're trying to weaponize your value system against you. 'Cause y'all both use the same label for your value system.

• 40:36Dr. John Delony?

  But your values are very different than, from each other's. And often, that happens when people wanna control what other people are doing. Are they gonna come to the wedding?

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Uh, no. No, I don't, I don't think so.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, there's gonna be a season of grief, me sad.

• 40:59Dr. John Delony?

  And this may be an open door for you to finally begin to unhook yourself from, they get a vote in the decisions that you make. You still love them, still gonna treat them with honor and respect. But they don't get a vote in the decisions that you make.

• 41:19Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. And I, um, I agree with all that. I do some counseling myself. And that's the advice that I would give, certainly.

• 41:29Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't make it easy, though.

• 41:32Speaker 03

  No. No, it, it doesn't. Um, you know, like you said, it's a belief system thing. So at the end of the day, I am objectively wrong. And they are objectively right. And it's, it's hard to have a relationship when they're on God's side. And therefore, I'm, I'm not.

• 41:50Dr. John Delony?

  It's a tale as old as time.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:53Dr. John Delony?

  All right. I mean, you've probably heard that, that, that in a war, both sides are praying to their God. All right? One of them's gonna lose. Right? And so, as long as you try to morph and twist your value system to match theirs, nothing about their life will change. You will just become a diminished, lesser version of yourself.

• 42:28Dr. John Delony?

  And if you haven't already, I would take the time to write down your personal values in the day after you get married, not the day after, that's kind of lame, but shortly after you get married, you and your wife, or beforehand as a part of a premarital thing, like, write down, who are we gonna be? Let's have a joint value system for our marriage. I mean, for God's sakes, we do it in our businesses. You're a minister, is that what you said?

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 42:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, y'all have, your church has core values, or whatever. Like, I don't know why marriages don't have that. Marriages should. This is who we are gonna be. And then other people get to opt in or out of your value system. But my, I'm, man, maybe, I might be reaching, but just the fact that you're asking this question at 35 tells me they've been hovering over you your whole stinking life, fair?

• 43:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:24Dr. John Delony?

  And at some point, you have to have the courage to say, y'all don't get a vote.

• 43:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's, I mean, that's, that's exactly where I'm at. I don't, I don't mourn that. I mean, I don't, I'm fine moving on and making decisions. I, um, is that kind of relationship worth pursuing? Obviously, they don't get a say, they don't get a vote. My wife and I get to determine what our life is gonna be.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  I think you send them a letter, I mean, that just says, I'm sad y'all aren't gonna be able to make it. I understand y'all are making a principled decision, and I respect your right to make this principled decision. I'm gonna miss you. And we hope to have kids someday, and I hope you'll be a part of their lives, and if your principles don't allow that, it'll make me sad. But y'all are adults, and y'all get to make your choices. My front door will always be open.

• 44:28Dr. John Delony?

  And then they get to choose whether they walk in it or not. And the, most people are not prepared for the heartbreak on the other side of that sort of statement, that sort of boundary, if you will, when they choose to not walk through it. You get what I'm saying?

• 44:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because they would rather be right in their version of right than be in a relationship with their freaking son, man. That sucks. That's the worst.

• 45:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, makes sense.

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  Do you and this woman, do y'all plan on having kids?

• 45:13Speaker 03

  Um, we're not sure.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I'm biased, I hope you do, but, I don't want to put my bias on everybody, but I hope you do. But, here's the thing. The thing, well, thing here that you can control is, moving forward, my kids will know, wherever you happen to be, I'll be right there. I'll chase my kids to hell and back.

• 45:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 45:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. It's definitely changed my perspective on that, and looking to the future in that, in that way, that's, that's true.

• 45:56Dr. John Delony?

  You will probably, if you truly metabolize it, you'll probably enter into a pretty dark season of anger, because this has probably been happening a lot. And you could probably go back to elementary school and middle school, and your college choice, and the relationships you did or didn't have as a young adult, the decisions you made, where you lived, you'll start to realize, oh my gosh. These people have been using their set of values to force me in a particular direction my whole life. By the way, since you're an adult, they haven't forced you, but it, sometimes it takes a while for that light to come on, right? I've made choices.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:41Dr. John Delony?

  To stay attached to their value system, and I don't, I don't, it's not a part of my life anymore. And by the way, I, I say this often on the show, my, the executor of my will, one of my greatest friends on the planet, is an executive at a bank. And my day job is telling people to get out of debt. Right? I co-host a financial show that helps people get out of debt. That means that, when it comes to that core value, we, his, every day of his life, he goes to work trying to get people to borrow more money. And that means that, the core, core value, every day I go to work, I'm hoping his business

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  fails, and every day he goes to work, he's hoping my business fails, and he's one of my best friends on the planet. Right? So, it doesn't mean I'm not gonna be in a relationship, doesn't mean I'm not gonna love you. But it means we don't agree on everything, great. But if his front door is open, like it was two days ago when I was in another state, I walked right through it, and he welcomed me with open arms, and his awesome wife did too. And my son, who they haven't seen in a couple years, I wanted them to see my son, what a cool kid he's grown into, what a great young man he's turning into, because they were a part of his life when he was really little.

• 48:07Dr. John Delony?

  And so, our, our disagreement on a shared value sure didn't stop me from walking in their wide open door, and sure didn't stop them from opening that wide open door for me. You get what I'm saying?

• 48:24Speaker 03

  Wow, yeah, those are, those are the best kinds of relationships, in my experience, where you can look at each other and say, we disagree on this, but come on in. I mean, that's, that's exactly who I want to be.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And, it would have been awesome if your dad sat you down, as a 35-year-old, and he's 65, or however old he is, and he said, hey, I need you to know, I happen to read scripture in this way, and I am, think that what you're doing is, is not wise, or isn't right, even. But you're my son, and I'll stand here with you. I've spoken my piece, and now I'm gonna stand here. That would be, that would be awesome. And then the grief is, it's not how it played out.

• 49:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:20Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate that for you. I hate that for your parents, for God's sakes. They're gonna be sitting there on their couch, scrolling their phones, while his son, while their son's life is transforming, and they're choosing right over relationship. Good for you. You know what I mean?

• 49:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

• 49:44Dr. John Delony?

  And then your work that you gotta do is, you gotta have people in your corner that are 10, 20, or 30 years down the road from you. Especially as a guy who other people come to counsel, that means you especially need wise counsel.

• 49:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I found so much comfort in the past seven, eight months, in family that I've chosen, friends that I've chosen, versus my own family, so it's, it's a strange transition, but I'm grateful I have people in my life, I don't feel like I'm alone or floundering, but.

• 50:15Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 50:16Speaker 03

  But, yeah.

• 50:17Dr. John Delony?

  And, there's still gonna be a hole there. And it's, it's not tough or cool just to blow over it, or to pretend it's not there, or whatever, like, it is, it's there, it stinks, it's the worst.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:29Dr. John Delony?

  So yeah, this is your Independence Day, brother, this is like the Freedom Day, I, I want you to spend some time developing your core values, and, I take back what I said earlier, I want you to, you and your fiance to do it before you get married. Who are we gonna be? What are our core values as husband and wife gonna be? In terms of hospitality, in terms of loving, service, and caring, and commitment, like all those things, who are we gonna be to each other? Who are we gonna be to, as a united front to the rest of the world? If we do have kids, again, I'm biased, you should have 50 of them, like, who are we gonna be to them? To their friends? Let's do that hard work.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, absolutely. You're right, I'll do it.

• 51:19Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, I'm, I'm a big fan of marriage, I'm, I'm happy for you, brother. Congratulations. Hope this is a time of incredible celebration. Joy, laughter, dancing, silliness, fun, I hope y'all build an amazing life together.

• 51:36Speaker 03

  Thank you, I'm, I'm excited.

• 51:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. All right, hang on the line here, I'm gonna hook you up with the Together app, that's gonna be my wedding gift for you, I'll give it to you for a year, um, help you and your new wife get started on the right foot, um, with some daily micro habits, some daily action steps y'all can take, together, towards each other, to build an amazing marriage. Thanks for the call, brother, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay.

• 52:26Dr. John Delony?

  Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life, and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists, someone you can be real with, and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations, and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness, it's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load.

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  Go to betterhelp.com/deloney for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back, Alex. Alex. How's the IBS situation?

• 53:28Speaker 04

  Under control today.

• 53:30Dr. John Delony?

  Can't confirm. Can't confirm. I saw you back there eating a blooming onion, though.

• 53:39Speaker 04

  My bad.

• 53:40Dr. John Delony?

  Not really.

• 53:42Speaker 04

  I would never eat a blooming onion, even if I could eat onions.

• 53:47Dr. John Delony?

  I wouldn't either. Not a fan. So people didn't like me giving you a hard time about your onion sensitivity?

• 53:56Speaker 04

  Apparently not. I'm okay, guys. I'm okay. I'm not offended. Appreciate the support, though.

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  The internet people came out full support of Alex and his onion sensitivity. I'm trying to imagine 150 years ago, if your dad was an onion farmer, and you were like, dad, I can't do it.

• 54:18Speaker 04

  At that point, it's natural selection, I'd probably just die.

• 54:21Dr. John Delony?

  Man, that got kind of dark. See? That's what, I wish, here's my dream, my dream for the internets, is that, if people see an exchange, like me giving my buddy Alex a hard time, that their first thought would be, man, that's awesome that they are good buddies. Not that you're in some sort of abusive work situation, and I'm this tyrant podcasting YouTuber. Well... All right, hey, listen, if you're still listening, um, I created something called

• 55:05Dr. John Delony?

  the Weekly Rundown. This is a step-by-step, play-by-play PDF, it's as simple as can be, for you and your spouse to do a weekly check-in together, about what's coming up this week. It's a version of what me and my wife do, we've been doing it so long, we don't have a list that we go by anymore, it's just kind of innate, but, this is a step-by-step guide, it's for free, click the link in the show notes, and we will ship it over to you. It's a weekly rundown playbook for you and your spouse, to get on the same page and build an awesome marriage. Love you guys, thanks, stay in school, don't do drugs, bye.