Caller: “My Wife Is a Spoiled Brat”

📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. On today’s episode, we hear about: A husband wondering how to communicate with his spoiled wife A man struggling to find purpose after leaving his career A wife who can’t find common ground with her husband Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  Got married about three months ago and it's kind of come with some unexpected challenges kind of around her upbringing. She was raised kind of spoiled. She'll either shut down or get real upset with me and one time it was just about some shoes and then she's like, "How long are we gonna have to live like this?"

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  You're in a pickle and it's because your wife's a brat.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you pulled up a seat, hanging out with us. We're gonna talk to real people who are going through real struggles, talking about your mental and emotional health, marriages, kids, navigating conflict, communication, all of it. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and we will work to get you on. Wherever you are in the world, we've got folks from all over the planet who call in and we will change your name, we will change your location, and what's important here is that we have a real honest conversation about how you can make some choices about what to do next.

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  And if you have an Apple device, I want you to go to the App Store, pause this show, go to the App Store and get the Together app. I'm biased, of course, but I think it's the best marriage app on the planet. It's super cheap, it's less than six bucks, and you can bring your spouse for free, or you can do the whole thing by yourself, because I know that some spouses don't have any interest in something like this, especially initially, but we do see that spouses join after a while, when they start to see how their life is changing for the better too. But it is micro habits for your marriage, things you can do that will bring you and your spouse closer together, bring you back together, and help you build something moving forward. So go check it out. It's called Together by Dr.

• 1:53Dr. John Delony?

  John Deloney, which sounds weird, like I'm speaking in the third person, like The Rock, but go pick it up. Alright, let's go to Washington DC and talk to Jeremy. What's up Jeremy?

• 2:04Speaker 00

  Dr. John, how you doing?

• 2:06Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good, my man. How are you?

• 2:08Speaker 00

  Oh, I'm nervous. I've been nervous for this all week, but I'm excited to talk to you.

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  Well, man, I'm glad you called, dude. Thanks for calling, man. Thanks for pushing through the nerves. What's up?

• 2:15Speaker 00

  Well, of course. So, um, me and my wife got married about three months ago. Um, and it's kind of come with some unexpected challenges, um, specifically kind of around her upbringing. Um, the example is we, we have some money fights occasionally. We're both on the kind of the same page with money, but she was raised kind of spoiled. Um, she kind of got everything she wanted, which is okay, but then we, uh, but then as I'm coming, like I'm a teacher, um, we're living by ourselves. I'm obviously not rolling in cash over here, so we're talking about, I'm like, "Yeah, we can't buy this," whatever the conversation

• 2:59Speaker 00

  may be, and it just blows up. She'll either shut down or get real upset with me and one time it was just about some shoes and then she's like, "How long are we gonna have to live like this?" Like, um, so that type of conversation. So I'm trying to know how to navigate that, um, understanding like where she came from, um, of not understanding like kind of how to manage money as well, or not understanding the severity of it while also like controlling what I can control, you know, knowing I can't control her.

• 3:26Dr. John Delony?

  So, I'm in an awkward position because I have a rule, and that's to never talk bad about my buddy's wife or girlfriend. And also you called, so can we just, can you and I be on the same team and I be pretty straightforward with you, pretty honest? Is that cool?

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Of course, yeah.

• 3:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, you're in a pickle and it's because your wife's a brat. And it's easy to, like upbringing, super important. It lays the foundation for what we understand is reality, right? And we all as adults have to choose what comes next. And so the phrase I like to use a lot is upbringing is a context, it's not an excuse.

• 4:15Speaker 00

  Right.

• 4:16Dr. John Delony?

  And at the end of the day, y'all are gonna have to wrestle with, does she want shoes or does she want you? Or you're gonna have to ask yourself, "Do I want this calling?" Which, by the way, the world is in desperate need of more male teachers. So I shout you out, I applaud you, I'll tell you as a taxpayer, just a regular old citizen, we are failing you. And, um, it's become one of my life's missions to reimagine how we, like, I, to me, it makes sense, and I can make an economic case for it, but that's a different call, that teachers should be paid 150 grand, and so that when my son thinks, "What's a job

• 5:00Dr. John Delony?

  I want to do that I could really provide for my family and have a good life?" That he thinks teacher. And I think that would have a downstream effect. But the reality is, you make 40 grand, like you don't. So it is what it is. Um, so for you to have chosen this calling right now, and I, and I hate the word calling a lot of times, but it is what it is. Um, for you to choose a life of service, you're gonna have to choose. Do I want to do this life of service, or do I want to cater to the whims of my wife?

• 5:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:29Dr. John Delony?

  And that's just gonna be a messy subject if, and this is where it's important, if y'all stay at the surface level here.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  If the fights are about dinners, shoes, purses, um, what car we drive, then it's always gonna be proxy wars to, an avoidance of the ultimate question is, who are we going to be? What kind of world do we want to create? Right? And what kind of life do we want to create? And, man, you're in a, you're in a tough one. I, I would have hoped that you've given, I've been toying around with the idea of creating a, like the greatest, um, premarital counseling on the planet, and you've just given me credence that I need to pursue that because this is a conversation I wish y'all had multiple times before you got married, but here you are, right?

• 6:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, we, the funny thing is, we did talk about it before, and I was like, "I kind of want to wait to get married because save us some money." Um, and I chose to. I was, I was on board with like financial struggling, um, a little bit, but she was like, "Yeah, that's great with me. Like, I understand we're gonna be in a pickle." And then I'm like, kind of here getting surprised. With a little more context, um, she also recently got kind of an official diagnosis of autism, like high functioning, but one of the big things was, um, that she can't, I forgot what the word is, but she can't find the words in conflict in the moment. So I would imagine that contributes to, not, obviously

• 7:05Speaker 00

  not an excuse, but that contributes to also finding like a resolution to our conflict. Like, I really don't know how to manage that. I've never been around that that much, so.

• 7:14Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Um, and that diagnosis is super helpful. It provides a context. But again, it's not something, you, you can't live a life of avoidance. And so what it means is, for you and your wife, um, then, and by the way, I'll take back the word brat, if there's a neurological, like neurodivergent reason, then I'm, I'm a jerk, and so I take that back. Um, but there's, here's what this means. That means that when something comes up and you realize, "Oh, we're on the precipice of a disagreement," that she's gonna, she doesn't have the neurological capacity, or the skill set, or a combination of both in this moment, then what we're gonna do is, we're gonna have a hand sign. We're gonna

• 7:57Dr. John Delony?

  have a something, and we're gonna pause this so that, and we'll circle back to it at a regularly scheduled time, when the emotions are much less, right? So she goes to buy shoes and you're like, "We can't, we don't have any money. We have to pay the light bill." And then boom, then conversation's paused, and then we're gonna circle back and say, "All right, let's do this budget together. Let's see what we both value, and let's work through that that way." Is she working?

• 8:27Speaker 00

  No, so she's going to pharmacy school right now.

• 8:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  So she's full time in that.

• 8:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so some of this is a matter of not now, but later.

• 8:37Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:38Dr. John Delony?

  Is that fair?

• 8:39Speaker 00

  Right. I've, yeah, yeah, for sure. I've been, I've been saying that in trying to come back to conversations, but it kind of gets to the point where it stresses her out, where she doesn't want to talk about it. Um, and so like, I feel stuck of like, okay, she doesn't want to talk about it now, doesn't want to talk about it later, or can't talk about it. I don't know if it's can't, or just, I don't know. I don't really know how that works.

• 9:00Dr. John Delony?

  For you to parse, parse through that is, especially in the heat of the moment, isn't a good, it's not a good use of your time, it's not a good use of her time. What she has to have is a sober mind and say, um, "I'm lacking a set of skills here that I, that are critical. They're not, it's not like it would be nice if," they are foundational to doing a life with somebody else and having a good, whole, wonderful life. And so I've gotta go do the work. I've gotta go get some adult ABA courses. I've gotta go do some additional work on my own. I've gotta go sit with, with a knowledgeable therapist

• 9:43Dr. John Delony?

  and practice some of these things so that I can self-regulate and self-soothe in the moment, because I committed to doing a life with somebody forever. Right? It's, it's different, but it's the same as, "I was an anxious train wreck, dude, and I burned my wife almost to the ground." And the job was not to sit there and white knuckle my way through it, but it was, "I gotta go meet with some folks and some specialists, and I gotta get to the bottom of, why does my body react like this, so that I can plug in with this incredible woman that I'm doing my life with." And absent that, if she says, "I'm not doing the work, I can't do the work, I refuse to do the work," then you've got some hard choices to make moving forward.

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:30Dr. John Delony?

  And that might look like, you just know the storm is coming. This is the woman I chose, this is the relationship I chose. I just know I'm gonna mostly be budgeting on my own.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:41Dr. John Delony?

  I will take care of the finances and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. It's gonna have a net negative to your overall unity moving forward, but if that's the, if that's the landscape y'all have and that's the world you want to accept, then so be it.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's, I'm trying to figure out what I can do in this as well, cause in the budgeting that I do, I like doing it, but then it's every day I'm getting asked, can I get this? Can I get that?

• 11:07Dr. John Delony?

  And yeah, that put that puts you in the position of being her dad and not her husband.

• 11:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that's kind of how I'm feeling.

• 11:15Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Well, she, well, she's putting you in that position. Will, will she sit down with you and look at finances together?

• 11:23Speaker 00

  Um, she, she will, she will sometimes, um, but she doesn't say much about it or like to contribute to it. She just looks at it. She says, okay. And then.

• 11:36Dr. John Delony?

  So let me, let me flip it. Are you a guy who shows up with a fully filled out spreadsheet that kind of runs over her?

• 11:44Speaker 00

  Um, I would, I would, I would not say so.

• 11:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  I would say I'd pull up with the EveryDollar regular, EveryDollar regular.

• 11:52Dr. John Delony?

  So y'all have a budgeting app y'all use?

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, I use it. Yeah.

• 11:55Dr. John Delony?

  Does she use it with you?

• 11:57Speaker 00

  She has it. Yeah.

• 11:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So is there a way when she says, hey, can I buy this? Can I buy this?

• 12:04Dr. John Delony?

  Can you simply say, look in the app?

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think, I mean, I would, yeah. It was, it was weird at first cause I was personal training before this. So my paycheck was different all the time, but now that I'm kind of consistent, I think that could be a definitely good option for, that makes sense.

• 12:24Dr. John Delony?

  I think instead of just bringing that on her, say, when you ask me, can I buy something? It makes me feel like I'm your dad and I want to be your husband. And so, once a week, once a month, we sit together and say, here's how much money we're gonna make. And as a teacher, you know what you're gonna make for the next 40 years. And so like, here's what we know. And this is what it is, what it is. And so, when you ask me that question, it puts me in a position of being the good guy or bad guy on something we decided together. And so, I'm asking you, a way you can love me is, don't put me in that position. You can pull a app up and look.

• 13:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  And some of that's just you asking her, um, as a way she can love you, what you want, is for her to begin practicing being an adult.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  Because what?

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Then what, what, what am I able to do in conflict when, in conflict like that or anything when she's not capable of like handling that? I know in the moment you said, kind of do it later, but even later, it kind of ends up bad. Are there like tools that you know that can help me control what I can control and act how I can act?

• 13:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 13:40Speaker 00

  That it goes smoother?

• 13:41Dr. John Delony?

  The two things I've seen be very successful and also be completely not successful. So it tends to barbell, okay?

• 13:49Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:49Dr. John Delony?

  Cause the, the crappiest part is, like you said, you can only control you. That's the scariest part of being in a marriage with somebody. All I could, all I can do is show up as the best version of myself. And I want that to be enough to get what I want and to be able to give my wife what she wants. And sometimes it's not, and it's frustrating.

• 14:10Dr. John Delony?

  The number one thing is, it's the proactive when we're, when you and her together, say, hey, how can I love you when you get stressed? How can I love you when we're having a hard conversation? And let her coach you. And if she says, I don't know, I don't, say, I'm gonna come back next week and I'll ask you that same question again. Cause what I don't want to do is to just walk away from fights. I want to love you really well. And so a roadmap would be really helpful for me.

• 14:42Dr. John Delony?

  And avoidance, because y'all aren't avoiding uncomfortable, y'all are avoiding uncomfortable feelings, but really y'all are avoiding math. Right?

• 14:53Speaker 00

  I would, I would say that's the example. There's, it kind of circles into any kind of conflict that we have.

• 14:58Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. The second one is,

• 15:02Dr. John Delony?

  if she asks you, that would be awesome. It doesn't sound like she would, but you can say, and a way you could love me is that we go, you go with me to see my counselor, you go see somebody and begin to learn self-regulation. Self-regulation honestly is the 1,000% key to 95% of issues in a marriage. Can I self-soothe, which is a nerd way of saying, can I do what I need to do in the moment so that I don't bail or I don't go to war when things get difficult?

• 15:44Dr. John Delony?

  And, and most of us, our inclination is, um, it's, it's neurological, our inclination is to do what worked as a kid.

• 15:54Dr. John Delony?

  And I say all the time, the things that kept us safe as a kid, the things that got us what we wanted as kids will destroy our adult relationships. Right? So growing up, her throwing a fit, her, um, having an outburst, her whatever, may have worked. It got her what she wanted.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:15Dr. John Delony?

  Or she may have had parents who got this diagnosis and decided to white glove the whole world instead of, hey, this is your diagnosis. So we're gonna have extra hard work to do.

• 16:26Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But at some point you run into reality. All I have to say is, um, yeah, you got your work cut out for you. Compassion, curiosity, and trying your best to stay out of proxy wars.

• 16:42Dr. John Delony?

  I want to buy shoes. Well, I want to pay the light bill. I want to drive this car. Well, we don't have any money for gas. We only, you know what I mean? Um, I want to go get a new Lexus. Well, I don't want to borrow money. Like staying out of those proxy wars and getting down to the bottom of who are we gonna be? And if she has the courage to tell you, I don't think I can be happy on $40,000 a year for the rest of our life. You can say, all right, I'll, I'll change my job. Or it's not the rest of your life. It's 18 more months till you graduate pharmacy school. And we can go from there.

• 17:17Dr. John Delony?

  But man, yeah, you got your work cut out for you. And by the way, you're not crazy. You're three months in. This is pretty normal. And it's part of navigating, bringing two individual people together over time and, um, into this thing called marriage. It's a worthy endeavor, brother. And y'all, we're both worth navigating this and figuring it out. Hang on the line here. I'm gonna hook you up with a year of the Together app as my gift, wedding gift for you guys. And, uh, best of luck to you. Call anytime. And if she wants to call, I'd love to talk to her too. We come back, a man asks how to find his identity and purpose after leaving a 10-year career in law enforcement. We'll be right back.

• 17:57Dr. John Delony?

  I know some of you out there are hurting, and I mean really hurting. Your marriage is falling apart in real time and you and your spouse both know it. You're watching a son or a daughter disappear into addiction and you feel completely powerless. Some of you are carrying trauma so deep and heavy, it's affecting every area of your life. And you've tried everything you can do and you can't seem to shake it. When things feel this desperate, a weekly therapy session might not be enough. That's why I want to tell you about the Vine and Root program from Capstone Wellness. These are three to five day onsite therapy intensives for couples, families, and individuals who need more than a standard 50-minute therapy session once a week. You'll work with your Capstone's

• 18:39Dr. John Delony?

  team before you even arrive. So the moment you get there, the real work can begin. Once you're there, you won't just talk about problems, you'll start to get to the root and heal them. Every single day, you'll sit with a therapist who's completely focused on you. You'll do the deep work that leads to real change so that you leave with hope, a plan, and the tools to keep moving forward. I know the people at Capstone personally. If someone I love needed this level of care, Capstone would be my first call because I trust them and the work they do. If this is you, don't wait. Go get help now. Go to capstonewellness.com/deloney and click on Vine and Root to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com/deloney or click the link in the description.

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• 20:06Dr. John Delony?

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• 20:44Speaker 02

  So my question is, is I'm trying to figure out how to find a purpose and identity after leaving a 10-year career in law enforcement.

• 20:52Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man, that's an etched identity.

• 20:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:58Dr. John Delony?

  So why, why, why, why'd you transition out? Tell me about leaving.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  Well, we had moved cities and whenever we initially decided to move, we only had one kid. She was one years, uh, going on one at the time. And about two weeks, three weeks before we decided to move, uh, we found out that we were pregnant with our second and, uh, we had already made plans and everything else. So we decided to stick with the original plan and we got there and it was, we didn't have family or anything there at all. Uh, I was already kind of frustrated with, uh, the culture at the department that we had moved to. And, uh, whenever we get there and we have our second kid, now we had two under two,

• 21:48Speaker 02

  postpartum hit, uh, pretty hard. And I started feeling like I was checked out. I felt like, and still kind of feel like I'm not performing as well as I could at, at home. And so, um, I could see how she was struggling. So I told her that at the end of the day, like my really only true commitment that I've ever made was to her. And, uh, we decided to make the move back so she could have support with the family and everything. And, and yeah, so that's, that's where we're at.

• 22:27Dr. John Delony?

  So have y'all moved back or y'all in the process of moving back?

• 22:31Speaker 02

  We moved back.

• 22:32Dr. John Delony?

  You moved back. Okay. Is there an opportunity to reconnect with that department there or is that door closed?

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Closed.

• 22:40Dr. John Delony?

  It's closed?

• 22:41Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 22:42Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um.

• 22:46Dr. John Delony?

  So tell me about your identity struggles.

• 22:50Speaker 02

  Uh, in a way, I feel like I've always kind of gone through it, uh, like trying to figure out who I am and trying to figure out, I guess, the, the bigger picture, my purpose in life. Uh, growing up in the church, a lot of my mentors, like church mentors had always said that I had a very, um,

• 23:15Speaker 02

  transactional relationship whenever it came to my relationship with God, like it's, like I almost had to earn his love. Uh, and so I feel like whenever I started doing law enforcement, there's a lot of purpose behind that job. There's a lot of, uh, people that need you right here and now, and, and honestly, life or death type situations. And so I think it was just easy to allow myself to kind of manufacture that into my identity because of the severity that the job entailed in and of itself.

• 23:52Dr. John Delony?

  Hmm.

• 23:56Dr. John Delony?

  What is it about you that you don't like, man? Cause you sound like a pretty amazing guy to me.

• 24:08Speaker 02

  I hate, like, I don't know. It's,

• 24:15Speaker 02

  it's, it's like, there's a lot that I don't like, but at the same time I can't explain.

• 24:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but when I asked that question, you had three or four things pop to mind. What are they? What do you not like about you?

• 24:34Speaker 02

  I don't, well, like,

• 24:37Speaker 02

  whenever, like, one of the deciding factors for leaving was,

• 24:41Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, don't, don't circle around. Stay with me. I know it's uncomfortable. I know.

• 24:46Dr. John Delony?

  What do you not like about you?

• 24:51Dr. John Delony?

  Cause this has been haunting you for a long, long time.

• 25:00Speaker 02

  That's, it's a really good question. I don't, I haven't really thought about it. I don't like how,

• 25:11Speaker 02

  I don't like, we can't just be present and enjoy life. I feel like there's always something more. Uh, I don't like how

• 25:25Speaker 02

  there's constantly this, like, and I know it's a manufactured on my own standard that I can't ever meet.

• 25:36Dr. John Delony?

  I'd be willing to guarantee you.

• 25:40Dr. John Delony?

  Guarantee is a strong word, but I'm 99.9% sure you didn't manufacture that. I'm 99.9% sure somewhere along the way, you got a very clear message that you were loved when you got grades, when you ran fast, when you caught the ball.

• 25:57Dr. John Delony?

  When you sat quietly in church and performed well.

• 26:03Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm 99.9% sure that nobody ever gave a damn how you felt about anything, asked you what you wanted to do. They told you, here's the path towards loving me.

• 26:15Dr. John Delony?

  Or here's the path towards me showing affection to you.

• 26:21Dr. John Delony?

  And then you get married and then the world's the Wild West and it's you versus the world. You and your wife versus the world.

• 26:31Dr. John Delony?

  And that little nine-year-old kid inside of you still wondering, do you like me now? Do you like me now? That's a ghost you'll chase forever.

• 26:42Dr. John Delony?

  But I don't, I don't want you to own the blame of manufacturing that. You're gonna have to own the responsibility of healing from that. Am I wrong?

• 26:51Speaker 02

  No.

• 26:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:55Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say this as directly as I can, as the father of two kids.

• 27:01Dr. John Delony?

  Any parent that dangles a carrot out in front of their child and says, catch this thing and then I'll hug you, then I'll love you, then I'll appreciate you.

• 27:13Dr. John Delony?

  I mean, it's a, it's, it's, it's, it's close to torture. It's cruel to a child.

• 27:20Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to hear me say, brother, this shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, thanks. It's, I mean, like, I can't think of any particular situation growing up where there was this.

• 27:35Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, but listen to me, you're already going back. I know you're already going back to protect them. Don't.

• 27:42Dr. John Delony?

  They don't need your protection. They're good. And they don't need, they don't need you blaming them for everything for the rest of your life either. That's not helpful.

• 27:50Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 27:51Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 27:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:58Dr. John Delony?

  So here, here's the question before you. Who are you interested

• 28:04Dr. John Delony?

  in providing value for? And I'm not talking about economic value. I'm talking about who are you interested in helping their day be better?

• 28:21Speaker 02

  Well, like while I was at the, before I was at the police department, I was working at a boys ranch here locally.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yep. Um, I bet I know, I bet I know the one.

• 28:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. And as like the relief staff, but essentially it was kind of like being a house parent and I was living with them.

• 28:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 28:42Speaker 02

  Um, and so I really enjoyed doing that, uh, starting in, like, I'm also a hunting guide, so I take people in Alaska, Wyoming, and Texas, Montana, all over. Um, and next, uh, next month, I'm a part of a organization where they take foster kids out, uh, hunting and fishing and camping and, uh, stuff. And so I'm looking forward to doing that.

• 29:10Dr. John Delony?

  Incredible.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  And so.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 29:14Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, next time you, you and I talk, lead with that, dude. You're gonna take me out somewhere. It's gonna be awesome.

• 29:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:21Dr. John Delony?

  Um,

• 29:22Speaker 02

  I will.

• 29:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so you have a heart for something.

• 29:27Dr. John Delony?

  You have a heart for a group of people.

• 29:32Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 29:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:35Dr. John Delony?

  So what haunts you about pursuing that? Cause that seems right up your alley. It seems noble. There's a couple of boys ranches that I've been connected to over the years, right in your region. What, what, what keeps you from pursuing that with vigor?

• 29:52Speaker 02

  I mean, it's, it sounds bad, but there's the, the financial aspect of,

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  Why does that sound bad?

• 29:59Speaker 02

  Trying.

• 30:00Dr. John Delony?

  Why does that sound bad?

• 30:07Speaker 02

  I don't want my life to be based around a dollar sign, but there's also the

• 30:13Dr. John Delony?

  There's a math problem, bro.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, that's what I'm saying.

• 30:17Dr. John Delony?

  You're a police officer. Here a police officer and a relief house parent. I don't see anybody chasing dollars, right? But there is a math problem there. No question about it.

• 30:32Dr. John Delony?

  And so the intellectual exercise like this, just the cognitive work here is, is there a way I can begin to lean towards the things I love to do?

• 30:46Dr. John Delony?

  The people I want to serve and love and help. And at the same time, build something pretty extraordinary.

• 30:54Dr. John Delony?

  And extraordinary in value doesn't have to be extraordinary in I'm rich. Right? How much money does your family need to like pay the bills every month?

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Like, I mean, we do the budget and everything and we're on like baby step three B. And so like, we don't have debt or anything.

• 31:16Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. So you're saving up for a down payment for a house?

• 31:19Speaker 02

  Yes, but then with the move and then taking the, a job that pays less where what was allotted for the house fund is going towards other things now. And so it's just

• 31:31Dr. John Delony?

  Great, so take it

• 31:32Speaker 02

  Timeline on things.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  Take your arm and swipe the deck and you and your wife sit down and say, okay, cool, we made this decision and it was a values decision to be around family and support and friends. And that values decision had a dollar amount to it. It was this much money. It cost us this to do this and it was the right thing.

• 31:50Dr. John Delony?

  It's going to give my wife some relief, some space to heal, some community, some support. Great.

• 31:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so now we're going to reset our goals. We wanted to have a house by this date. We're not going to have it by then. Cool, we're going to have a, we're going to rent. Great.

• 32:07Dr. John Delony?

  We're not going to wake up every day upset that we're renting. We're going to wake up every day grateful that we have a roof.

• 32:14Dr. John Delony?

  And then there's a dollar amount that we gotta go earn.

• 32:20Dr. John Delony?

  And if it's on you, it might be, I'm going to take a job and work for three years for, at a pay cut than what I was making. And that means also I'm going to work on Saturdays. I'm going to work in the evening and now we have extra family support and I'm going to put this investment in from age 31 to 33. So that at 43, we can do whatever the crap we want.

• 32:41Dr. John Delony?

  I'm a grind, right?

• 32:51Dr. John Delony?

  And if it gives you any light at the end of the tunnel, I did not start my graduate work in counseling until I was 35.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  I was

• 33:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, she's

• 33:06Dr. John Delony?

  Way, way behind the eight ball, right?

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  And now I have a whole different life, man.

• 33:20Dr. John Delony?

  Or it might be that you go work and make a little bit less money, but you also work with one of those local children's homes to help you get a master's degree in counseling. And then you become the therapist for the region.

• 33:31Dr. John Delony?

  And now you're making a great living and you're doing exactly what you love to do. It's just to help kids stuck in the system.

• 33:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 33:44Dr. John Delony?

  And that will take, that will, that will require sacrifice. That will require, we're not going to buy a house until we're 38. Now, not how we drew it up, but it's how it is. Great, cool. Ready, go.

• 34:02Dr. John Delony?

  And all of this hinges on you getting to the bottom of,

• 34:09Dr. John Delony?

  I like this guy. I love this man. I'm a good man.

• 34:14Dr. John Delony?

  I don't always feel how I want to feel, but I'm a good man. I don't always know what to do next, but I'm a good man.

• 34:21Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm worth feeling good. I'm worth loving well. I'm worth being married to, I'm worth being a dad. But hear me say, I'm proud of you, brother. And I look forward to going out on a hunt out there in West Texas with you one day. We'll set that up. And so call my brother.

• 34:34Dr. John Delony?

  We come back, a woman asks how she and her husband can team up to solve disagreements and compromise. We'll be right back.

• 34:42Dr. John Delony?

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• 35:27Dr. John Delony?

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• 36:11Dr. John Delony?

  Or click the link in the description. All right, Raleigh, North Carolina, Raleigh, Raleigh. Raleigh, North Carolina. Let's talk to Sarah. Hey Sarah, what's up?

• 36:23Speaker 03

  Hey, how are you?

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  Good. What's going on with you?

• 36:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, so I want to try to get your advice on how to communicate with my husband better. I know that's a, a broad question, but this is something that we've struggled with our whole marriage. Um, and then I kind of have like a, I guess an example, it's been an ongoing, um, I don't know if you want to call it argument or a disagreement, um, that we've had for a little over a year. Um, and I just want to kind of get your advice on some tips and tricks on how to solve some conflict.

• 36:57Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. So let's start, let's actually start with a conflict because we can reverse engineer into communication. I'll tell you my, my, my experience is the vast majority of the time when someone says, hey, me and my spouse need to work on our communication. What they're really saying is, I need you to tell me how I can tell them to do what I want them to do. That's, that's usually what that means.

• 37:18Speaker 03

  That's exactly what I don't want to do. Cause I don't want to be that person that is like, I just want you to do what I want to do. Like I, I would truly want to learn to compromise where like, where, I mean, of course compromise isn't fully like, you're fully happy with the outcome, but like we've, we've got to come to a middle ground somehow.

• 37:39Dr. John Delony?

  Right, compromise is important. Negotiation is a better word, but it's important in a marriage, but it only works if y'all are doing it to get to a place.

• 37:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So like if I want pizza and my wife wants sushi, I'm, I'm going to quote unquote compromise. So technically, if, if I'm keeping score, I just lost. We're going to eat where she wants to eat.

• 38:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:02Dr. John Delony?

  But what I'm compromising towards is a really fun night with my wife. And her, seeing her smile and light up and laugh and us, right? So I'm winning every step of the way and so is she. So we're compromising towards the thing we actually want. It gets sideways when it's, when we try to keep score and I won and you lost. We ate where you ate, we ate where you wanted to last time. So we get to do what I, then it just becomes middle school, right? That's why I like starting with a conflict first because

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  I've done exercises where I sit with couples through the communication part. And then we get to the actual issue and somebody's way out of bounds, right?

• 38:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's like, how do we negotiate communication? And it's like this and this. And then it's like, all right, he wants to sleep with the neighbor and I don't want him to. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, let's, we're not compromising that, right? So tell me what the conflict is and let's go, let's work backwards.

• 38:59Speaker 03

  Okay, it seems really silly, especially when I say it out loud, but um,

• 39:04Dr. John Delony?

  Don't judge it. Don't judge it yet.

• 39:05Speaker 03

  Yep, okay. Um, about a year and a half ago, we had our first son, um, our first kid ever. Um, and so after we had our son, we also have two very large dogs. They live in the house. Um, they were my, my little babies for the longest time. I was obsessed with my dogs.

• 39:26Dr. John Delony?

  Gosh, you were one of them, huh?

• 39:28Speaker 03

  Um, I was one of them. I, I wasn't, and then I became one of them and then now I'm not again. So, um, so once we had our son, um, my in-laws are very gracious. They kept our dogs for a little bit until we got home and got settled. Um, I was so excited to bring the dogs back. Well, we went to visit them and I just instantly became like super overwhelmed by them. Um, we gradually brought them back home and I just, it was just extremely overwhelming to me. Like they were just, they became a lot bigger to me, I guess in my head. And like, I guess the responsibility of them on top of taking care of a baby. I had a C-section, like it was just a lot. I'm like, okay, my husband's going to go back to work.

• 40:13Speaker 03

  I have to walk the dogs because like we don't, they walk on a leash. And so it just all felt like super, super overwhelming.

• 40:20Dr. John Delony?

  Can I pause you real quick? Can I pause you real quick?

• 40:21Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 40:22Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, and I'm intentionally interrupting the track here, but here's the big question. When somebody says the word overwhelm, not always, but often the thing that feels like it's overwhelming is actually the thing that's exposing the real issue.

• 40:41Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So like, for instance, there's a, the, in, in the nerd world, there's something called a U-shaped curve to marital happiness when you had kids. And so it starts out pretty high. And then when you have kids, that, the old story is this, your, your marital happiness goes down and it makes a U shape, right? It, it drops really low. And then as the kids get older and then leave, you get this happiness in your marriage back. What researchers have found is it's not the kids.

• 41:15Dr. John Delony?

  Per se, it's that the kids expose the existing issues in the relationship that were just untalked about in the first place, right? So is it the dogs? And it could be, but my question for you is, is the dogs plus the kid? Plus the C-section? Is that, are the dogs the tipping point? Or are the dogs exposing, "I've been running this whole house by myself. I need help. I want help. And I have a partner who won't help."

• 41:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 41:49Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  It's probably definitely that. And it's probably also, I can recognize I'm a control freak. So like-

• 41:58Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. You have a picture of your house with no hair on the, dog hair on the floor and no this and no bits of dog food, like, right?

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. And like, I have taken on the responsibility of, you know, whenever I became overwhelmed with the dogs, I told my husband, I was like, "Okay, I'm turning over, you ordering the dog food. You have to make the grooming appointments." Because I took all that on myself, you know? And then, like you said, it became overwhelming, AKA, "I'm doing it all on my own." So like, it may not be like the dogs themselves, but it was like, everything on top of all the other responsibility that I now have.

• 42:41Dr. John Delony?

  So how much of that responsibility is real? And here's what I mean by that. Um, I'll take an example I've used on the show before. My wife felt an innate, deep responsibility that every dish be put away before she closed her eyes at night. I felt the need to do dishes when I was, found myself eating cereal out of a salad bowl. And I was like, "I'm out of dishes, man, I should probably wash them all." Right? I was gross. I was an idiot. But also, my wife created a story and lived that story too, um, at the expense of peace,

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  laughter, warmth, whatever. And so when I ask you what's real, do you have to sweep the floor every single night? Do the dogs have to be groomed? Or is that just nice? Like, can you run to Walmart and grab a bag of food? Or do you have to order the, what, like, so how much of that story is real? And how much of that story, now that you have a new kid, a new marriage, a new life, new priorities, that old story doesn't apply to the new world I live in now?

• 43:56Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:59Dr. John Delony?

  Or did you, or, because I talked to couples on this show and privately, like, their husbands are like, "This house is a wreck. You need to clean up that dog hair." Well, now we got a problem, right?

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:10Dr. John Delony?

  But often what I hear is-

• 44:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know, like-

• 44:13Dr. John Delony?

  You make all the grooming appointments, he didn't see a grooming need.

• 44:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:17Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 44:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:22Dr. John Delony?

  So which world is it? Because, because I don't want to, I don't want to, like, I don't want to put the world on you, because it may be that, man, he is a complete jerk, man. And it may be that you have some out, out, unrealistic expectations for your life.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. It, I think it's-

• 44:41Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe it's both.

• 44:42Speaker 03

  You say both ands.

• 44:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, maybe it's both and.

• 44:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, I, I think, like, yeah, like, some of it, I mean, I strategically got dogs that don't shed, so I don't have to worry about that. Um, my husband is not one to be like, this needs, he's not putting added pressure on me to do X, Y, or Z, um, different things like that. But they do need to be groomed, because if they don't, they get super matted and then we're paying extra for groom, you know what I'm saying?

• 45:10Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, sure.

• 45:11Speaker 03

  Like, there are things that just, it just has to be done. Um, and then, you know, I don't know if because of the change of a new baby, um, we have two male dogs, so they can, they, they're, like, to mark their territory, so they started using the bathroom in the house and this, so I'm also cleaning that up. So it just, like, that, that's disgusting to me. So I was like, "I don't want them in the house anymore." You know, like, um, so again, I was trying, the compromise I'm like, trying to come to, like, if I'm being honest, what I, I wanted to rehome the dogs.

• 45:46Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:47Speaker 03

  Like, that, that, that's the point I reached. I was like, "I, I can't do this." Like, as our son was getting older, um, I was like, "He's gonna start crawling soon. I don't want him to crawl around in this." Like, it was just, you know, too much. And then my husband's like, "No, like, we're not doing that." So I'm like, "Okay, well, what, again, like, I get that. I know I'm being extreme, so like, what can we come to an agreement about?" Like, I suggested, can we, like, fence in, like, we have a huge backyard. And I said, "Can we fence in part of it for the dogs and like, you know, let them out there to play, like, while they're here? And like, we have a basement too, so like, they can come in and they can, the basement's air-conditioned, so when it's hot, like, I'm not, like, just gonna leave them out in, like,

• 46:31Speaker 03

  the hot sun all day, you know what I mean?" Um, so that was like, that was the argument we came to. It was like, every time we talked about it, like, we just, like, we couldn't talk about it. He would shut down, I would get frustrated, like, we just couldn't come to, like, an agreement about it.

• 46:48Dr. John Delony?

  What's the thing beneath that thing?

• 46:50Speaker 03

  Uh, the, the thing beneath, I, I feel like he doesn't care about me.

• 46:58Dr. John Delony?

  There it is.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Like, about my-

• 47:01Dr. John Delony?

  Nope, nope, nope, stay right there. That's a, that's a huge statement. Okay? And that's the real issue here. You have a big desire and a big want. And these two dogs are paying the price for that. Because the real issue is, since we've had this baby, I feel like you don't care.

• 47:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:29Dr. John Delony?

  Because I guarantee you, it's not just the dogs. What else is going on? Where else do you feel alone and isolated?

• 47:38Speaker 03

  Being a mom.

• 47:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Tell me about that.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  I just, um, I feel like I do everything, um-

• 47:53Dr. John Delony?

  Take the word "feel" off. Are you doing everything?

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 47:57Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Hold on. Own that. Because sometimes saying "I feel" softens it a little bit.

• 48:03Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, and also, like, I don't, I'm not good at expressing, like, like, that.

• 48:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 48:17Speaker 03

  I mean, we've had talks along the way, but it's like, I have a hard time saying, like, "This is where, this is specifically where I need your help." Or, "This is what I want you to do." Or, you know, we've had the talk where he's like, "I can't read your mind, like, you're gonna have to tell me," you know? And it's like, um, it's just hard for me to, to say what I want, I guess.

• 48:42Dr. John Delony?

  And where I, where I see this get into a figure eight loop, and by the way, you saying that out loud is really, it's reflective and it's, it's important, so I appreciate you saying that, okay? Sometimes people can't say things out loud because their partner spits it back in their face, or gaslights it, lights them. Sometimes people can't say what they want, because they had this picture that they were gonna be a super mom or a super dad. And admitting, "I need some support, I need some help," or, "I want some help," that's often the big thing is, it's not that I, I can figure it out, I can do it. I want to feel like you're involved in this thing too.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that's hard, that's, it's hard to grasp that from, "Give me a chore list, I'll do the chore list." And so, it gets to be this figure eight of, "I can't read your mind, well, I want you just to know what to do, and that would show me that you are in this with me." Well, I don't know what to show you, so, it, like, it becomes self-reinforcing, right?

• 49:48Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:49Dr. John Delony?

  The only path through that is, ugh, I hate to, I hate to do this to you, he's right on that.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  Um, he can't read your mind.

• 50:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:01Dr. John Delony?

  But I would like it, to frame it differently than a list of tasks for him to do. Because what he'll do is those exact tasks. And then he'll go back to playing his video games, or go back to hanging out in the basement, playing his guitar, or whatever he's doing, and your, the sense that I'm doing this thing all alone will still be there.

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:25Dr. John Delony?

  And so reframing it as, "Here's how you can love me." And "How can I love you?" is really important. And you practicing, when he does do the laundry, and he does, folds it wrong, that you're first, that you begin practicing looking for celebration moments, not for critique moments.

• 50:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:54Dr. John Delony?

  Because I hear this often, husbands learn, "I'm just not gonna do it, because I don't ever do it right."

• 51:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:03Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean? That may not be your house, but I hear that over and over. "Dude, I wanna help with the dishes, but I..." Every time, it's like, "Well, you put this wrong here, and you put that backwards, and you should've done this." And it's like, dude, then you do it. But people are pretty simple creatures in that we often lean towards where we're celebrated.

• 51:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so what is it in your spirit that makes it hard for you to say, "Hey, here's what I want. Here's what I want this week." And by the way, it changes, so y'all getting together every week. I'm gonna send you a PDF of a weekly meeting that me and my wife have, that you and your husband can just start following it. But needs change, especially with a young kid. Y'all have a brand-new marriage. And so, instead of trying to say, "It's your job to do laundry from now and forever," it's like, "Hey, this week, here's what I would really want. And what do you want this week?"

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  And so what is it about asking that question or saying what you want out loud? What, where does that come in your spirit? Why is that hard?

• 52:11Speaker 03

  I don't know. I don't, cause like, I've tried to ask myself that, cause it's not like I feel like defeated. Like, that, that's not it. Like, you know?

• 52:23Dr. John Delony?

  Do you feel like I shouldn't have to tell him? Or do you feel embarrassed?

• 52:27Speaker 03

  There is some of that. Like, we, there is some of that. Like, there are some things where, like, I told him, I was like, if you see me running his bath, and like, I'm holding him and getting the bath, like, wha, like, what about that? Do you not think, come help? You know what I mean? And he was, that's when we got in a discussion about, like, I can't read your mind. And I'm like, okay. So, we came up with a thing where I say, it's bath time, and he goes and runs the water. Like, we came up with a thing where it's like, okay, like, instead of me just expecting him to see me struggling, and like, jump in and save the day, like, we've gotta come, like, I, like, I have to say it out loud, you know?

• 53:07Speaker 03

  Cause I was like, do I have to say that every day? And, but anyways, we came to an agreement with that.

• 53:13Dr. John Delony?

  I, I wanna, and you be honest with me, up or down, okay?

• 53:18Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:19Dr. John Delony?

  Has there been things that he has reached in to help, and then he messed it up? For instance, um, you just finished, uh, breastfeeding your baby. You just finished feeding your baby, and you're rocking, and he comes and, and sticks his hand, like, let me have the baby. And you're in the middle of a deep moment, right? Or the baby's finally nodded off to sleep. Finally.

• 53:42Dr. John Delony?

  And he wants to bounce the kid around.

• 53:46Dr. John Delony?

  And he got the look from you, or the, no, not right now, go. Right? And so, I get his lived experiences, when mom and son are doing their thing, I'm staying out.

• 54:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:05Dr. John Delony?

  And so, I, I, it's easy to pile up on either person.

• 54:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:09Dr. John Delony?

  What I would like to do, instead of making it character issues and moral, if you have said, hey, I want your help here, and he's like, I ain't doing that, that's women's work. Well, yeah, dude, now we got a big problem. Right? Um, or if you refuse, I will not tell you what I want, you're supposed to just know. Well, then now we got a big problem. But the real issue right now, in the exhaustion with the dogs, and the baby, and trying to navigate a new marriage, he's back at work, you're, what we really need is bath to get done. Let's solve for bath first, feelings second.

• 54:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:46Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying? And what, I promise you, if you lean towards, if you orient towards celebration,

• 54:56Dr. John Delony?

  as much as a pain in the ass it's gonna feel like, if you, if he goes and runs the water, and you just, as he's walking out, and you're walking in with a baby, if you kiss him on the cheek and say, thank you for running that water.

• 55:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:09Dr. John Delony?

  If that was it, that was it. Not, it's too hot, it's too cold, why didn't you, if it was just that, if it was just that.

• 55:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:17Dr. John Delony?

  I promise you, that changes. It, it becomes an invitation, not a third rail.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 55:26Dr. John Delony?

  And then when it comes back to these goofy dogs, right? The, the meta question for me is, have you sat down and said, hey, the story I'm making up is,

• 55:40Dr. John Delony?

  I'm in this all by myself.

• 55:43Dr. John Delony?

  The story I'm making up is, is you would rather have these dogs than have a wife who can drop her shoulders and relax.

• 55:53Dr. John Delony?

  The story I'm telling myself is, is that you think my request for them to go outside, and to spend time in the air-conditioned basement is ridiculous.

• 56:03Dr. John Delony?

  And you're more content to be right than to have a wife who's, loves being home. Those are stories I'm making up, and those stories make me feel really sad and lonely. And let him respond to those stories. Some point, let's set down,

• 56:20Dr. John Delony?

  let's get what we want, and let's do our best to metabolize the feelings, and then go do the next right thing. Otherwise, we're gonna get trapped in an endless cycle of inactivity, frustration, misery, and big, big, heavy feelings.

• 56:36Dr. John Delony?

  But sit down with him, tell him, the story I'm making up is, see where that goes. We'll be right back.

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we've got less than 90 days until the full weight of the holiday season is upon us. And you know how it goes. Every year, as the calendar starts filling up, you tell yourself, I'm not gonna let the holiday madness get to me this year. I'm gonna slow down and actually enjoy the holidays. I'm gonna actually be present, not just physically in whatever room I happen to find myself in. And then, you're racing around to dinners, parties, kids' activities, it's madness, and you're drained, and the holidays become a burden. I've done the same thing. But here's one thing I've learned. One of the best ways you can slow down and work on being present, long before the holiday season hits, is staying grounded in your spiritual life.

• 57:26Dr. John Delony?

  Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and I use it almost every day of my life for that very reason, to ground myself in my spiritual life, in my spiritual practices. Some mornings, it's five minutes on the drive to work, some nights, it's a sleep prayer before bed. Whatever the moment is, Hallow helps me practice presence. Before the holidays takes everything from us and makes us all super busy, I'm gonna stay committed, and I'm gonna invite you to stay committed, to practice being present with Hallow. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/daloni. Start now, and Hallow will be free for you to try through the holiday season. That's hallow.com/daloni.

• 58:13Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, in her bright, bright red shirt, you look beautiful today. Kinda putting the vibe out.

• 58:20Speaker 04

  What vibe is that? Thank you, by the way. What vibe, though? I'm curious.

• 58:24Dr. John Delony?

  So, let's go to, am I the problem?

• 58:27Speaker 04

  Nicely, nicely avoided.

• 58:29Dr. John Delony?

  Just putting out the vibe.

• 58:30Speaker 04

  All right.

• 58:31Dr. John Delony?

  And by the way, when you said, hey, we got, we have an, am I the problem, you laughed in your cynical way, so that...

• 58:36Speaker 04

  No, that's, this is not a, um...

• 58:39Dr. John Delony?

  Trapped D'Aloni one again?

• 58:40Speaker 04

  Right.

• 58:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  And, I'm not gonna say exactly what yet, but we're gonna be changing up some of my the problems soon.

• 58:47Dr. John Delony?

  I'm actually pretty excited about this.

• 58:49Speaker 04

  Me too, and getting a little more, um, listener interaction.

• 58:53Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 58:54Speaker 04

  So, stay tuned, we'll be releasing that once we kinda iron out all the details.

• 58:57Dr. John Delony?

  I'm excited about it.

• 58:57Speaker 04

  Yep. All right. So, this is from Joey in Toronto, Maryland. And he writes, he says, "Last week was my wife's birthday. We had our in-laws, her parents and her sister, over for dinner. Pleasant conversation, but things changed when my father-in-law started talking about a party that was happening the following weekend. He said we should just show up uninvited, because everyone should go, even though we don't know the particular, the people who are hosting the party. My wife and I agreed that we will not be going. However, they decided to call and on speakerphone told the host, as we were, as he was waving me off, that we would be going, and the host said that was fine.

• 59:41Speaker 04

  After the phone call ended, I got upset, but I didn't wanna ruin my wife's birthday. I tried to let it go, and thought, well, we'll talk about it tomorrow, about how rude this was. However, it boiled over as they were leaving, and I lost my cool, and shouted that I didn't like being put in a corner when I explicitly told you that we were not going. Now, my wife is upset because I caused a scene, and the guilt is unbearable. Am I the problem?"

• 1:00:06Dr. John Delony?

  You can't put baby in a corner?

• 1:00:08Speaker 04

  That's exactly what I thought when I said it.

• 1:00:11Dr. John Delony?

  Um, uh, yes, I'm gonna say he's the problem, and here's why. Um, he let his emotions get the best of him when somebody else was being a jackass. And, like, here's the thing, somebody can sit in front of you and say, you're gonna go do this thing, and you can think in your head, I'm for sure not doing that thing. And, or you can choose to go down the, you can't tell me what's it, like, if you're a child, or if you're with a boss who has demands on you,

• 1:00:43Dr. John Delony?

  even with a boss, you get to decide, like, well, I'm gonna do that thing or not, right? But unless you're a child, like, so yeah, I, I would say, yes, it's on you. It's not on you for getting frustrated, that your father-in-law is telling you what you're gonna do. Um, to me, the big issue isn't that, I'm, I'm assuming he knew this guy, and wouldn't, and the guy wouldn't care. The bigger issue is my father-in-law saying, you're gonna come do this thing next weekend. And I wanna say, I'm a grown man, and it's my house, I will decide what I go do next weekend. If you wanna invite me, that's cool, and if it works out, that'd be great, but, um, that to me is the bigger, is, is an issue. But yeah, you blowing up, and you meeting childish with childish, yeah, that's on you. I would apologize to my wife, not for getting frustrated, but for

• 1:01:30Dr. John Delony?

  not being emotionally regulated, for not being able to, as the nerds say, self-soothe myself, and kinda relax, and then get on about my life. What do you think, Kelly?

• 1:01:38Speaker 04

  I agree. Yeah, I mean, the father-in-law was being an ass. Clearly, you're like, no, we're good, thanks, cause especially if you don't know these people, that's kinda awkward. And then for them to be on the phone, whatever, but yeah, he, and I think he tried. He knew he should've kept his cool, and then it was like, he just, probably something was said, as they were walking out the door, and he was like, that was just it.

• 1:01:59Dr. John Delony?

  You can't put me in the corner? Yeah, I mean, then, and then people like, repeat what you said, right? Not that, what your father-in-law said, or whatever, but my guess is, Kelly, father-in-law does this all the time. Is always telling them what they're gonna do, and when they're gonna do it, and where they're gonna go. And so, you and wife need to sit down and say, hey, we are the captains of our ship, not him. I didn't marry him, I married you.

• 1:02:23Speaker 04

  When he said the whole thing about father-in-law waving us off, I was like, oh, I could just see that.

• 1:02:26Dr. John Delony?

  Hundred percent. Yeah. Love you guys, bye.