Caller: “My Husband Regrets Having Our Baby”

💬 Tired of having the same arguments with your spouse? Get Dr. John Delony's Conflict Game Plan On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband regrets having their son A man wondering if he should reconnect with his convict father A woman wanting to implement Delony’s principles in her classroom Next Steps: 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. 💬 Get the Free Conflict Game Plan by Dr. John Delony 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My husband has recently expressed remorse about bringing our child into the world because they could one day reject Christ and potentially spend an eternity in hell.

• 0:18Dr. John Delony?

  Good God.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  This is a rare moment, but you stumped me on this one for a second.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

• 0:34Dr. John Delony?

  Talking to real people who are struggling, who are going through life. Some people are celebrating. They're doing great and they just want to figure out what's the next right step. Wherever you find yourself, whether you've got questions about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you've got, that's what this show is about. Pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Wherever you are in the world, click the link in the show notes and we'll work to get you on. Let's go out to San Francisco, California and talk to Melinda. Hey, Melinda, what's up?

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. It's a true honor to speak with you.

• 1:09Dr. John Delony?

  It's an honor to talk to you. It's not even, um, there's like no sunshine up yet. You're early on the West Coast, so thanks for calling.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Well, yeah, I have a baby, so I don't sleep very much, so no problem.

• 1:22Dr. John Delony?

  Nice, nice.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Well, my husband has recently expressed remorse about bringing our child into the world because they could one day reject Christ and potentially spend an eternity in hell. And so my question, yeah, my question is, how do I both honor and understand the fear of his while also challenging his way of thinking?

• 1:52Dr. John Delony?

  Jeez.

• 1:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:56Dr. John Delony?

  Man, this is a rare moment, but you stumped me on this one for a second.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  Oh, no.

• 2:03Dr. John Delony?

  Let me, let me talk, I'll just talk my thought process out loud and we can kind of get there together.

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  Where else in his world do giant fears kind of pin him down?

• 2:18Dr. John Delony?

  Like economics, world war, um, the, the left has taken over, the right's taken over. Like, where does he have things in his world where the weight of it feels so big that he makes big, grandiose statements like that?

• 2:33Speaker 00

  You know, this is honestly the first time I've ever heard him make this kind of statement. So, um, we've been married for almost three years. Um, I'd say the other fear in his life is, um, when he stands before the Lord and has to be accountable and he does have fear of like looking back on his life and God saying like, oh, what have he done? Even though he is like a wonderful person who gives himself fully to others.

• 3:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 3:08Speaker 00

  But other than that, yeah.

• 3:10Dr. John Delony?

  That's a tough.

• 3:15Dr. John Delony?

  I wish I could just have a cup of coffee with him.

• 3:19Dr. John Delony?

  Um, that's like being married to you and I'm gonna, I'm gonna put out into the world that you're the best wife ever. You love him just recklessly and you'll laugh together and have fun and all that. Um, but that's like him opening his eyes every morning and hoping to, like being almost paralyzed and doing everything he possibly can because he thinks you're gonna look at him and say, I hate you.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And that's a, it's a way to miss out on the beauty of relationship. It's the way to miss out. It's completely misses the exchange of love, right? And it makes it very, um, yeah, I would, I would love to hear his story on how he landed in a place that relationship is so fear centric.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:14Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and unfortunately he's not on the phone. So what, what I would talk to you, what I would walk with you is asking yourself two scary questions. One, what can you control here? You can't control his, his innate existential fears that seem to guide every moment of his life, right?

• 4:38Dr. John Delony?

  But you can control

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  asking him, like, I've heard you. I don't want to hear that again.

• 4:46Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I, you've made your, you've made your point clear. I don't want our child growing up in a home where one of us is saying out loud, I regret bringing you here. I don't want that air to be in our home. And so I'm asking you to find some, somebody else to talk to about that.

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:03Dr. John Delony?

  Um, whether that's a minister or a therapist or a group of friends, um, but I, I, I don't want that air in this home.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:13Dr. John Delony?

  And then if he looks at you and says, now, you know what? I get to say whatever I want because it's my house. Well, now you'll have to deal with that marriage issue, right?

• 5:20Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:21Dr. John Delony?

  Cause honor and respect and kindness and love goes both ways.

• 5:26Speaker 00

  Right.

• 5:27Dr. John Delony?

  The second question I would ask you is, you being honest with yourself, is this just a huge seasonal change? It has sparked a guy who clearly has some deep existential anxieties just about his, not even, not even on earth, but like the future, right? Is this him, suddenly his world is different? He's a dad now. He's a, he's a husband to a woman who's a mother now. And they just, like, all of his identities have changed. And so there's, there's, he's saying things out of fear, out of frustration that he probably doesn't mean, um, or maybe he does. And so come into some sort of reality there. What do you think?

• 6:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, I, I think, uh, change is really hard for him. I think change is hard for everyone.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 6:15Speaker 00

  Um, we also, you know, our, our baby, we had to be in the NICU and there was an extensive surgery and it was real, it was a really rough way to start parenthood.

• 6:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:26Speaker 00

  Very scary. And so we didn't have control, um, at the beginning. And, um, and we found out at my 20 week ultrasound about this condition. And so for half of my pregnancy, we were just, you know, very fearful of the outcome of our baby's life. And, um, so I don't know if it would have been like this if we had just a normal.

• 6:52Dr. John Delony?

  Sure.

• 6:53Speaker 00

  I, I don't know, but.

• 6:55Dr. John Delony?

  So there's small things that happen in tiny bite sized moments, um, in a marriage, in a relationship that, and it sounds so trite and silly. I know that. Okay. But what we're doing is working with somebody we love or we're connecting with somebody we love and we're, the aim here is to, for both of us to reset our default setting.

• 7:18Dr. John Delony?

  So for 20 plus weeks or however long you carried this pregnancy, um, this baby meant terror.

• 7:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right? To you, to your husband, and there's no way that doesn't impact your relationship.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:33Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so beginning to change our default setting to now this baby means love and opportunity and reckless joy and laughter and sleepless nights and millions of diapers, right?

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:48Dr. John Delony?

  That default setting doesn't change in one big fell swoop, almost always, right? The way it changes is every morning you look at him and say, hey, before you go to work, what are three things you're grateful for about our, our new life, about our baby? And you give three things. And then right before you go to sleep, you say, what's, what's your three favorite things of today?

• 8:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:10Dr. John Delony?

  And y'all begin to, what you'll, the Brene Brown has a great quote that I love. It's, what you go looking for in the world, you're sure to find.

• 8:18Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 8:19Dr. John Delony?

  And so if y'all begin to orient yourself towards not what could have been and this angst and every conversation becomes tense. And by the way, here's things that nobody talks about in these moments. There's serious financial ramifications here that impact your life. There's serious work complications. There's time off. There's all of that stuff, right?

• 8:39Speaker 00

  Um, yeah.

• 8:40Dr. John Delony?

  There's identity issues. I've sat with, I mean, I can't even count the number of women I've sat with that had this underlying, I can't believe my, my body didn't, like it's supposed to do one job.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:52Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And that, right? And it becomes this, I'm not, I can't even trust my own body, right? And that becomes disorienting.

• 9:00Speaker 00

  Totally.

• 9:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so being able to have a new marriage, but which by the way, y'all have a brand new marriage. The one you had is over, right? What do we want this thing to look like? And more importantly, how do we want our house to feel? And I talk about that a lot, like from, like how fun that conversation is, but sometimes that conversation is, I want you to stop talking about X, Y, or Z.

• 9:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Because if we both want our house, house to feel warm, to feel full of love, to feel whatever, um, and he's always been like, looking at this baby, this sweet, how old, how many months old?

• 9:37Speaker 00

  Four, four months.

• 9:38Dr. John Delony?

  How am I, I, I've got baby fever so bad right now. Like, like a little four month old. Um, and.

• 9:44Speaker 00

  It's pretty great.

• 9:45Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. But also it's pretty not great. It's both, right? It's, it's the best, worst thing ever, right?

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:52Dr. John Delony?

  And I, I don't, if you look at that baby and you're like, can't believe I brought you here. Like I may have doomed you for all of eternity. Like that becomes a pretty gnarly way of experiencing this magic, right? And it, you change that default setting slowly over time.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  And I guess what I'll tell you, man, also there's, there's only limited influence you have.

• 10:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, and, and he, because of this, he um, doesn't want any more children. And he said, you know, we could adopt because then we'd be helping somebody already born, but um, right now, he, he's like, I think we should be done. And you know, that's heartbreaking for me.

• 10:39Dr. John Delony?

  It is, but, but you also have a seat, an equal vote at the table to say, I don't, I don't think we are.

• 10:45Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 10:46Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, and say like, we, we got tension here. Making big, huge life decisions. With a four month old sitting here, especially after a one or two or three month NICU stay. Not a good time to make like final declarations, right?

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  The, the guy who trained me, Dr. Andy Young, one of the most important men in my life, the guy who trained me on crisis stuff, he always, he, he told me personally, like, this is a to you, John, but also globally, but after a big life-changing event, don't change anything in your life for minimum of six months, but probably better a year. Don't sell your house, don't quit your job, don't, just let the smoke clear on this new world you have.

• 11:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:30Dr. John Delony?

  And I, that is not how I operate, like something big happens, all right, let's like, right, the stock market's gonna go down. Let's sell everything, let's move to the wood, like that's my impulse and is like, just hang tight for a second. All right, hang tight for a second. And so I, I would hear that and remember that you have an equal voice at that table. And if you find that he won't hear you, shut you down, that is a, a, a point of tension, you hear me say this all the time, tension's the doorway to great communication, to a great marriage. So the bigger conversation there is,

• 12:06Dr. John Delony?

  um, the story I'm making up is that your opinions are more important than mine in this marriage. And that makes me feel small, that makes me feel less than.

• 12:16Dr. John Delony?

  And he might say, you're right, I'm the man, and if y'all gotta deal with that problem, geez Louise. Or hopefully he would say, oh, no, no, no, that's not what I mean.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 12:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, it'd be the second one, yeah.

• 12:28Dr. John Delony?

  And that's, that's my hope for most of the time, but

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:30Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but he would say, I've got really big feelings about this, and you can say, I do too. And our feelings, big feelings are different. And let's let that disconnection slowly bring us together over time, instead of draw battle lines in our marriage.

• 12:43Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 12:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, this is a tough one, and it's, I, I think it's especially tough

• 12:49Dr. John Delony?

  who, when somebody's anxiety response

• 12:53Dr. John Delony?

  is the exact opposite thing of what we need right now.

• 12:59Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:00Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 13:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:02Dr. John Delony?

  Or maybe even different than need, what we desperately want right now, our partner's anxiety response is the, just the polar opposite.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:11Dr. John Delony?

  And that's hard to navigate sometimes. The only way to navigate is put it all on the table.

• 13:19Dr. John Delony?

  So let me tell you this, you're not nuts. I, I, I rarely talk about the intricacies of my faith on the show, it's just, I, I, I, that's, that's, that's, that's mine, if you will.

• 13:35Dr. John Delony?

  But I think

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  if I, if he was sitting in front of me, your husband, I would tell him, you got this thing wrong. The purpose of this thing is, is love, the purp, the purpose of faith, the purpose of belief in God and higher power is so you can exhale.

• 13:55Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're anchored to something bigger than you could ever be. Your

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:59Dr. John Delony?

  Love is the connecting fiber of every cell, every tissue in your body, every heartbeat, like that's what's woven through the fabric of humanity. Even the rocks cry out, like it is, it is the fabric, and if you miss that, and just look for what your particular denomination says is some ultimate punishment, and you just live in white knuckle fear. Man, you've just missed the whole thing.

• 14:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:29Dr. John Delony?

  Know what I mean?

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:29Dr. John Delony?

  And I hate that for him, and you can't change that, I can't change that. Hopefully he's will come to some revelation with good mentorship, with good friends, you know what I mean?

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, and, and he's, he's just started counseling, um, or therapy. And so he, um, and he talked to his therapist yesterday about it, and he's really, really wanting to get help with this.

• 14:51Dr. John Delony?

  That's awesome. My gut belief is, my, my gut belief

• 14:58Dr. John Delony?

  is that this is an expression of a much deeper anxiety issue.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  Now, I'm not, I'm not diagnosing him in any way, but this is, these grandiose statements, these big prophetic, uh,

• 15:12Dr. John Delony?

  existential statements are rooted in

• 15:18Dr. John Delony?

  a deep-seated, unanchored man. And man, the fact that he's going to work to get himself anchored is so great, so beautiful, so awesome. So, thank you so, so much for the call. Um, I hate that he said that, I hate that y'all have that tension in your marriage, but I do think this tension is a path forward for both of you. And

• 15:38Dr. John Delony?

  remain optimistic as best you can, that we're going to create a new marriage here. And we get to decide what it looks like, what it feels like, what we're doing, what our roles are. Um, and with a four-month-old, you're gonna recreate your marriage like six times in the next year, right? Um, but we are going to continue to work to come closer and closer together, and both voices count at the table. Thank you so much for the call, my friend. It's great talking to you. When we come back, a man asks how to navigate reconnecting with his father after 16 years in prison. We'll be right back.

• 16:12Dr. John Delony?

  When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do, cut well. This is why I bought my wife the culinary kitchen knives from Montana Knife Company, and it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana Knife Company knives are razor sharp, right out of the box, they're balanced, and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. Their knives perfected. Montana Knife Company makes their knives right here in the United States, and years of experience go into every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used, I've sent them off and got all my knives right back, razor sharp again.

• 16:57Dr. John Delony?

  And these knives will still be sharp when my great-grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com.

• 17:17Dr. John Delony?

  All right, I want to invite you to Nashville, Tennessee. Um, when this is coming out, I hope there's a ticket or two left. Um, it sells out every year, it's the greatest marriage conference on planet earth. It's the Money in Marriage Conference that me and my friend Rachel Cruz put on here in just outside of Nashville, Tennessee. It's a two and a half day retreat, it is the best, tons of Q and A, tons of interactions. You'll get to meet us, you'll get to ask your questions. Lots of teaching, and every year it's new, so if you've been before, a couple of years ago, or three years ago, whatever. Um, every year we wrap it up and do something completely different and new. And man, I'm super jazzed about this year, we got some great, um, guests that are gonna be here, we have some, it's Nashville, so you never know who's gonna walk out on stage.

• 18:02Dr. John Delony?

  But it is amazing, it's October 22nd through 24th, tickets start at 749 bucks a couple, prices are gonna go up. It'll probably be sold out before the prices go up, but get them ASAP. Like strengthen your connection, strengthen your communication skills, strengthen your conflict skills. Man, we talk about sex, we talk about money, we talk about all of it. And um, we want you to leave with a toolkit for building the marriage that you and your spouse want. So, October 22nd to 24th, here in Nashville, click the link in the show notes, and it will get you to the page. And hopefully there's still a few tickets available for you. Let's go out to Los Angeles, California, and talk to Ramon, what's up, Ramon?

• 18:45Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John, nice talking to you, thank you for taking my call.

• 18:48Dr. John Delony?

  You got it, brother, thanks for calling in, man, what's up?

• 18:52Speaker 02

  Yes, so you kind of alluded to it earlier, but my, uh, father is getting out of prison um, here in the next 25 days after serving 16, almost 17 years. He went in when I was eight years old, and everything before that, we were best friends, and everything after that, I only have talked to him a handful of times. Um, and so yeah, this is coming up, and it's kind of, you know, reawakening some old fears, some old traumas, and yeah, I, I just need help navigating that, how to set boundaries, and then also my family

• 19:32Speaker 02

  uh, from my mom's side, um, wants something to do with him, and I'm kind of in the middle, so

• 19:38Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Uh, I just wanna hear your opinion, you're one of the guys I look up to the most, so, and I relate to a lot of what you say, so I just wanna hear what you have to say.

• 19:47Dr. John Delony?

  Well, brother, I, I'm honored by that, I appreciate you riding with us.

• 19:52Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about your family first, you married, you got kids?

• 19:57Speaker 02

  Yes, so I just got married this, uh, year, a couple of months ago.

• 20:01Dr. John Delony?

  Congratulations.

• 20:02Speaker 02

  We, uh, thank you. Yeah, we are, we don't have kids, but that is in the near plans. Um, and, you know, um, I am the middle child of three, I have an older brother and a little sister. And um, they both have kids, they're awesome, my nieces and nephews, it's kind of one of my favorite things about about doing life is being an uncle to them. Um, but yeah, as you can imagine, they're kind of hesitant too to

• 20:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 20:33Speaker 02

  with all this going on.

• 20:34Dr. John Delony?

  Um, how much older is your brother, and how much younger is your sister?

• 20:39Speaker 02

  So I am the middle of, he's two years older, and she's about two years younger.

• 20:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so there, there actually is, um, and we'll, we'll get into some of the specifics here, but I, I, I think that, that what I want to, you to let guide you over the next few months is grace for everybody. Now, that doesn't impact what you do next, but it impacts the ethos with which you operate in the world. Here's what I mean. You were eight when your dad went away. Your brother was 10. There's a big difference between eight and 10, that's third grade to fifth grade.

• 21:18Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so his memory, his experiences, he was probably a little bit bigger kid, could see some stuff, could experience some stuff, is gonna be very different than yours.

• 21:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:30Dr. John Delony?

  Your, your daug- I mean, your sister, who was six at the time, she may not remember anything.

• 21:36Speaker 02

  Yep. No, you got it exactly right.

• 21:38Dr. John Delony?

  And her memories become a cocktail of stories people have told her. And possibly being scared in the middle of the night if your dad was going off on something. You get what I'm saying? So if they say, absolutely not, we're cutting him out, he can't see his grandkids. Let your first breath be one of grace. I get it.

• 21:56Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 21:57Dr. John Delony?

  You don't know that guy. Or, I get it, you're scared to death. Cause if, if, and, cause here's the deal, if you respond with rage, how dare you, it's our dad, whatever. It won't change them at all. All it does is ruin your day, your moment. You get what I'm saying?

• 22:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 22:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so I don't have to agree with you, but I understand. And that's just a helpful way to go through the world. But, um, why did your dad go away for sixteen, seventeen years?

• 22:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, that adds another layer to it. Um, when he was younger, he did, um, commit kinda child molestation, um.

• 22:34Dr. John Delony?

  Not, not kind of?

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Yes, sorry. Yes, he did commit child molestation against a family member. Um, and yeah, this kinda came to light

• 22:50Speaker 02

  about fifteen years later, and the judge ruled, and he was, um, put away for sixteen years. So.

• 22:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 23:00Dr. John Delony?

  So your brother and your sister's impulse, that I don't want this man around our children, that's a good impulse for them to have as parents?

• 23:09Speaker 02

  Yep. That's what they've always said, is when you have kids, you'll understand.

• 23:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 23:14Speaker 02

  Um, how we feel. So, yeah, it puts me in a weird position because, um, I don't, but I understand. Um, and I've always just kinda been.

• 23:29Speaker 02

  I, the handful of times I've talked to him, it's like all about his kids and, um, it's like, it's kind of the thing that keeps him going in a way, that he says. Um, so I've always kinda had that empathy towards him. Um.

• 23:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that empathy for you becomes a really big burden, and here's how.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 23:51Dr. John Delony?

  He's sitting with you in either one of those weird little dimly lit, or like awkwardly lit cafeteria rooms, where he's allowed to have visitation once a month or once a year with his, with his, you know, adult son. Or y'all talking through that plexiglass thing on the phone, like, well, however y'all are communicating, right? What he does in those moments is, he tells you he misses y'all, wants to know how everybody's doing, wants to know about grandkids, all that. But then he takes

• 24:19Dr. John Delony?

  the brick of his well-being and he hands it to you and says, hey, you carry this.

• 24:25Dr. John Delony?

  You're my reason for being alive.

• 24:29Dr. John Delony?

  If you don't do X, Y, or Z, I'm not gonna make it.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 24:33Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, as a young man, that's not your responsibility to carry the anchoring of your dad.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:44Dr. John Delony?

  It's his job to find meaning and purpose outside, and, and, and man, he's dealt with some significant consequences, and those consequences don't just end the moment you walk out of prison, right?

• 24:57Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so

• 25:01Dr. John Delony?

  handing you the responsibility to make sure he's not, not okay like food and water, right?

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  But that he is psychologically and spiritually and emotionally grounded, that's, that's not your, that's not your brick to carry.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  Right.

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so my hope would be, he would come out mature enough to say, it breaks my heart, I want nothing more in the world than to hug my grandkids that I've never met, I wanna hug my sons, I wanna hug my daughter. And I understand that they don't want that right now.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  That'd be my hope.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 25:36Dr. John Delony?

  And that he makes his life's mission about becoming the man outside of the, of the walls, that he can be proud of. And maybe, maybe not, earn back trust over time.

• 25:51Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 25:53Dr. John Delony?

  But that's his job. Your job, and I get a lot of hate for this, but your job is to honor your father. That doesn't mean you give him a hundred percent unfettered access to your life, to your world, to your wife, to your nieces, to your nephews.

• 26:09Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 26:09Dr. John Delony?

  That means I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna talk bad about you. That means if I feel safe and I feel comfortable, I'll meet you for coffee.

• 26:18Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't mean he gets a key to your house.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, that's what I'm trying to figure out, how those interactions and how, how I'm gonna navigate that, that moment, or, you know? I am twenty-six.

• 26:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. I'm gonna tell you something that I wish you had been taught when you were younger, and I wish I had been taught when I was younger. Um, it's very hard to do what I'm about to tell you, okay? Very, very hard. But if you learn this at twenty-six, you're gonna save yourself twenty years of ugh, that I personally endured because I didn't have the skill set for this. You ready?

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 27:07Dr. John Delony?

  You hold all of the cards.

• 27:11Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 27:12Dr. John Delony?

  All of them. And you have, get to be, get to stand up as a twenty-six-year-old husband, man, future father, and say the words, as for me and my household,

• 27:26Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 27:27Dr. John Delony?

  this is what this is going to look like. Taking a stand like that will come with backlash, it will come with other people's opinions, it will come with, then I'm not talking to you anymore, or you're not welcome here either. It will come with consequences. But here's the deal, it will be yours.

• 27:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so if he gets out of prison and you find yourself instantly, and this is very common, by the way, your body will go zoom, right back to where you were eight years old.

• 27:58Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 27:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay? And then you will all, and you probably had some responsibility to make sure dad didn't get mad, make sure dad's, you've been carrying that forever. And you feel especially heavy, like somebody put a couple more plates on the weight bar, because your brother and sister don't want anything to do with him. So you feel extra responsibility.

• 28:16Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 28:16Dr. John Delony?

  And what you end up becoming is a peacekeeper, you end up becoming, your life is not building

• 28:24Dr. John Delony?

  a beautiful, safe, like, concrete and steel marriage with your wife and for your future kids. But it becomes, like, you, you, you become an emotional, uh, caretaker.

• 28:38Dr. John Delony?

  Right? But if you met him for lunch when he got out, and you had met with your wife, and y'all had come up with a plan, and you sat down with him and said, dude, I'm glad you're out, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah. Here's what our relationship will look like over the next six months.

• 28:53Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 28:55Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And you outline, you detail, here's what this is gonna be. And he can fight you, he can push you back. I guarantee you, he has this movie he's been playing over and over in his head for the last fifteen years, on what this day will look like, what the next few weeks will look like. And it's your job to tell him, here's the actual movie, here's what it's gonna look like.

• 29:18Dr. John Delony?

  And there's no way around it, this is a brutal, hard conversation.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 29:26Dr. John Delony?

  And the important things I would tell you is be as honest as you can, as clear as you can, crystal clear. And put time limits on things. Meaning, for six months, that I'm not gonna give you my address.

• 29:42Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to get out, get settled, get here, we will meet for coffee once a week, or once a month, or I'm not ready to meet with you on a regular basis. Um.

• 29:53Dr. John Delony?

  But here's what this will look like. Get what I'm saying?

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I really liked that. I think having a six-month plan, sitting down with my wife, going over exactly what I want. And I'm still trying to figure out what I want and

• 30:14Dr. John Delony?

  A good spouse will be able to see your blind spots, if you will. Um, just last night, my wife and I were driving to, um, a dinner and in the, in the car, I said, hey, here's some things I'm thinking about doing.

• 30:31Dr. John Delony?

  Will you look for, or listen for blind spots? I've gotten this. And as I rattled off, I want to try this, I want to do this, I want to do this, I want to do this. She was able to say, this particular thing that you called out, you're always a wreck after that. Is it worth it? And that's not her telling me no, it's her doing exactly what I asked and her showing me great love and friendship and, uh, but her willingness to wade into my big plans, and I've always got big plans. Um, and say, this is how I experience you. This is how our kids experience you. This is how you experience you after this. So if you sit down with a plan with your wife and say, man, I wanna, we're gonna give it six months.

• 31:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna meet him once a month or once a week for coffee or for lunch or whatever. We're gonna slowly come back in here. And then you look at your wife and say, as you hear me say this plan out loud, what do you feel? What do you feel about me? How have you experienced me when I got home from visiting him in prison? Was I a wreck for two weeks? Was I feeling full of shame and guilt? Did I get mad at my brothers and sisters? Give her an opportunity to speak into what she has experienced in real time. And that will bring you all closer together, just as a couple, but also, man, she provides an extraordinary second set of eyes on you. And you staying well and whole and anchored in this, in this interaction is gonna be really powerful. But you hold the cards here.

• 31:56Dr. John Delony?

  Honest, clear, and time limits. Three months, six months, one year, two years.

• 32:04Dr. John Delony?

  We're not gonna do Thanksgiving. We are not gonna do Christmas.

• 32:09Dr. John Delony?

  Um, we are, we are going to, like, be very clear. And it will set you free, that, that clarity. And also, it will come with consequences. Make no mistake. And you're probably not gonna make anybody happy, and that's okay. Do us right for you and with, for your wife and for your home. And always show up to those interactions with your dad in the best version of yourself. Be a person who's respectful, even if somebody doesn't quote unquote, deserve respect. Be somebody who treats people with dignity, even if the world says they don't deserve dignity. I'm gonna always be kind. I'm gonna always be honest. I'm gonna always be straightforward. I'm gonna always treat you with honor and respect. And honor and respect does not mean you get to tell me what to do with my life.

• 32:53Dr. John Delony?

  Thanks for the call, brother. You're a good man, dude. You're a good, good man. It's, it's amazing how you've, um, grown up with a dad-sized hole in your heart. Um, I'm proud of you, brother. Stay on the path and get some good men in your life that you can trust uh, to walk alongside you. We come back. A woman asks if teachers can use the phrase, how do we want our classroom to feel to create classroom expectations? Love it. We'll be right back.

• 33:25Dr. John Delony?

  This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states, visiting several states more than once. I made a 40-hour round trip drive across the country, and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee. The two constants in all of this madness is, number one, I love traveling across the country and meeting new people. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is when I get home and I snuggle into my own bed. And that great, amazing sleep starts with my amazing beloved mattress, my Helix Midnight Luxe mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me.

• 34:10Dr. John Delony?

  My family, my friends, everyone around me is starting to sleep on Helix mattresses, mainly because I won't shut up about how great they are, even when the cameras and the lights are off. Helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz. I did it. It takes like two minutes, and they will match you with just the right mattress for you from more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. And they've got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers, too. A Helix mattress will change your life for the better. Their best savings of the season are happening right now. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney for their

• 34:51Dr. John Delony?

  best of the web offer and get 27% off site-wide. That's 27% off site-wide at helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com/deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Hit the like and subscribe and share button. It's a gift to us on this team. It's a gift to the listeners. It's a gift to people who've never heard of us that will otherwise get the show popped up in their internet feeds. So thank you so, so much for doing that. Let's go to Portland, Oregon and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up?

• 35:26Speaker 03

  Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call.

• 35:28Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

• 35:30Speaker 03

  Um, I am a school teacher and teach third grade, and I'm headed back to a student next week. And I was thinking this summer about, uh, you know, they want us to set up our classroom expectations with our kids and do that as a group activity. Haven't really been very good at that in the past. But I was thinking this summer about using your system of, you know, how would you like our classroom to feel? You know, to set up those expectations? And then if we, if that works, then how do we like enforce it and stuff?

• 35:59Dr. John Delony?

  You are the best.

• 36:03Dr. John Delony?

  You're the best.

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  Like, you're literally the best. Um, thinking, like, let me just, like,

• 36:13Dr. John Delony?

  on so many levels, you're the best. Like, the fact that you've dedicated yourself to third graders. That's a tough age. You're the best. Um, the fact that you wade into a education system that is basically designed to, like, ground you down to ash. And you still show up because you love kids. Um, and for the privilege of grounding you down to ash, you make less than minimum wage. So thanks for that. Like, right, like, you're just an incredible person. And on top of all of that, or you know what? Underneath all of that, heading into the year, your chief challenge in your, in your mind and spirit is,

• 36:53Dr. John Delony?

  how do I bring these kids together? How do I give them a place where they can drop their shoulders and exhale? And then actually learn something, like, right? Like, man, you're awesome. Like, you're awesome, Anna.

• 37:03Speaker 03

  Oh, thanks.

• 37:05Dr. John Delony?

  Um, I know that doesn't feel like that when you get your direct deposit, but you're awesome. You're awesome.

• 37:12Dr. John Delony?

  As a taxpaying citizen, we are failing you, and I'm sorry.

• 37:17Dr. John Delony?

  So, yes, and here's, I prob, I'm glad you're asking this question because I need to do a better job of extrapolating this out. That question that, that I, I credit with saving my marriage, um,

• 37:32Dr. John Delony?

  how do you want this house to feel? 1,000% can be used in a classroom, can be used in an office setting, it can be used in any situation where there's relational interaction in a, in a closed environment, right? What I don't do a good enough job talking about is, after we made that declaration, how do we want this house to feel? Want it to warmth, full of laughter? We both want to be happy when the other person's coming home. We both want to be happy when we're coming home. That came with a lot of discussion on the practices that had to take place for us to get here. So for instance, um, and I don't know if, I don't think I've ever talked about this. Maybe, maybe I have, but I don't remember. After I, I vomited

• 38:17Dr. John Delony?

  up, and I've told that story, I'm like, I want this house to feel warm. I want you to be happy I'm here, whatever. My wife's immediate response, and it was 1,000% right, was, okay, you can't bring your last meeting with you home. You can't sit with students hurting people and their families all day and have no outlet, and we live five minutes from work and you bust in this house because we all feel all of those conversations you had.

• 38:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  You gotta go to the gym. You've got to go for a walk. You have to go do yoga. You have to have a thing that allows you to transition from here to there. Or from there to here. Also, we, in my house, I went as far as, when I eat certain things, and for me, in certain volumes, right?

• 39:04Dr. John Delony?

  One day, two day, three days later, I haven't slept well, so I get up early and then I don't feel good, and I eat more crap, and then I skip a thing. Three days later, my family pays the price for my grumpiness, my procrastination, my, right? And so, to get that house that we wanted, like, this, this feeling we wanted, it took a ton of action. And really, the magic there was coming up with a set of shared values. This is who we are.

• 39:35Dr. John Delony?

  And the beauty for that in a classroom is, if you gave your students the opportunity to, how do y'all want this class to feel? And they're probably gonna be like, third graders don't often have a good connective, good connective tissue, like, emotions, right? They're all over the place.

• 39:50Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 39:52Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but teaching them about that, emotional regulation, my gosh, you're changing their life. And then number two, you're truly changing their life because you begin to give them, you begin to empower them, that you guys actually have choices on how you feel on big things. And then what I think would be the magic of this whole thing is y'all coming up with a set of shared values for your classroom. Here's who we are gonna be.

• 40:18Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:19Dr. John Delony?

  And then, uh, uh, here's a silly one. Not a silly one, this is a great one.

• 40:26Dr. John Delony?

  No, um, no making fun of each other. Right? Because if we want this classroom to be a place that we love coming and we think is super fun and is a, right? Making fun of people will hurt that for some people. So we're gonna say, no making fun of people. When, because they're in third grade, when the first person makes fun of somebody, the conversation you have, the, the disciplinary conversation, the behavioral correction conversation is so anchored, it keeps it from being you versus this kid.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 40:59Dr. John Delony?

  And it points back to, hey, this is who we said we were going to be.

• 41:04Dr. John Delony?

  How do you get back to we?

• 41:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, I like that.

• 41:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And it keeps, and that way you're always on the student's side. I hate that you, it breaks my heart that you made fun of Suzie. Cause now you can't do this thing and this thing is not as fun when you're not with us.

• 41:23Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And they begin to grasp really deeply. My choices have direct consequences and this woman here called my teacher, she loves me and she's just willing to sit in my UG with me and give me a path back to us, to we.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  Yeah, I like that.

• 41:43Dr. John Delony?

  So yeah, I wish every teacher would ask, how do we want this room to feel? And go through that exercise because it points back to a set of shared values. And then you may get a kid, like I was a public school teacher and a private school teacher. You may get a kid's like, I don't, those are stupid. Those aren't my rules. And sometimes you get that and we've got to just go right to the middle of that, right? Cause we're the adults, but it does give an anchoring to a classroom.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  That's what I'm looking for.

• 42:09Dr. John Delony?

  Well, and if you, and by the way, if you call it out, like let's say y'all come up with four or five words, how you want this room to feel. When they have those sweet spot moments, especially at the beginning of school, when the whole room feels warm, when everyone's laughing really hard, when somebody does a great job on a thing and we're celebrating them as a class, call that out. Go point to it on the board or on the wall where y'all have hung it up, your set of values and look at them and say, we're doing it. This is what this feels like. And they'll begin to connect the dots there.

• 42:43Speaker 03

  That sounds great.

• 42:44Dr. John Delony?

  You are awesome. You are awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.

• 42:49Speaker 03

  Thank you. I appreciate it. I appreciate your time and you're helping me walk through this.

• 42:53Dr. John Delony?

  No, you're the best. And I know, can I just say this out loud? This is going to be really hard in the face of third grade. I don't know how it is in Oregon, but for most states, that's where they got to do their mandatory testing and that's when they have to, right? And what to do are read alouds and we've got to do, it's going to be hard to try to keep a human center amidst all that robotic, mechanical, nonsensical madness.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  Right.

• 43:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so, man, you doing that, huh? So good. And if they have to do test prep, if you're calling it out and saying this for right now is not going to feel warm or joyful, but when you are confident on this test, you're going to smile when you know the answers. So we're working, we're going to do hard things now to get to these feelings later.

• 43:40Speaker 03

  I like that. Yes.

• 43:42Dr. John Delony?

  You're like, man, and you have, you've given, I'm going to smile all day because I got to talk to you. You're the best, the best, the best. Thank you for loving those kids and every teacher out there.

• 43:53Dr. John Delony?

  Man, watching how teachers impact my children.

• 44:00Dr. John Delony?

  I'll get all choked up here, so I'll be quiet. It's magic. To the great teachers out there, thank you so much for giving your lives up for kids like mine and it's an honor. We'll be right back.

• 44:13Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists, someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help

• 44:58Dr. John Delony?

  you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Sad day, Kelly.

• 45:33Speaker 04

  I know. Now, I know, I realize when this show comes out, this will have happened a month ago, but for us right now, Dolly Parton died yesterday.

• 45:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  And I will quote a message I saw on social this morning that just said, I wasn't even, I had never even fathomed the fact that she could die.

• 45:52Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 45:53Speaker 04

  It was like, we would just always have her.

• 45:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  Yeah. It was kind of like, wasn't that the agreement with, with God?

• 46:00Speaker 04

  We always got Dolly?

• 46:02Dr. John Delony?

  The, the, her ability to be universally loved by everyone.

• 46:10Dr. John Delony?

  And to, in my opinion, get way, way above the fray, the nonsense, the madness, the, where do you stand on this person who, like behind closed door? Like what I love to see is the notes and letters coming out from everyone, from hip hop artists to heavy metal singer, like she's constantly sending people notes of encouragement. I see you and I appreciate you. Her giving jillions and jillions of dollars to help children's literacy, like the food stuff that drives this, she does here in Nashville, like the stuff that never made the news, like her, her stand of, like she took a stand by never taking a stand, like I don't need to take a stand, my stand is love and I'm going to move forward and do

• 46:54Dr. John Delony?

  the next right thing for my community, for people, for people I don't know, for the least of these. It's such an extraordinary, the fruit is everybody's having kind of a low day today. You know what I mean? And yeah, it's just kind of, yeah, like it doesn't occur to you, she could die.

• 47:12Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yesterday, when we found out on our floor, I mean, there was legit tears from people. It was just so shocking.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:20Speaker 04

  Yeah. And as Tennesseans, I don't know. I mean, I think that we're hit a little harder just because she was one of ours here and she did so much for our state.

• 47:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:30Speaker 04

  In addition to everything else, but millions and millions of dollars of aid and help from, I mean, from her personally, when things happened in our state. So maybe we feel it a little more, but I think everyone feels it.

• 47:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 47:45Dr. John Delony?

  I woke up earlier this morning and listened to Jolene and it just felt right. So shout out to the great Dolly Parton.

• 47:56Speaker 04

  I do have to ask, what's your favorite Dolly Parton song?

• 47:58Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, there's no question. Jolene, it's masterpiece, master, master, master, masterpiece.

• 48:05Dr. John Delony?

  And it's, there's so many layers to that song that it's awesome. Yeah. I, yeah, I was, that's the first song I listened to this morning when I woke up. Just shout out. So however you grieve, however you mourn, however you show respect, you know what? Today it feels like, and I remember when Johnny Cash died, it was just kind of this larger than life person that you don't, doesn't occur to you. Like they'll always be here and yeah. So however you honor somebody and celebrate them, shout out to the great Dolly Parton, fellow Tennessean. Love you guys. Bye.