Ep 263: JP McDade - Rachel Feinstein - Scott Rogowsky : Holi-daze with Mark Normand and Sam Morril

JP McDade, Rachel Feinstein, and Scott Rogowsky join Mark and Sam for a stacked episode packed with chaos, crowd stories, and comedy shop talk. With guest bartender Maddie (@maddieshuman on IG) keeping the drinks flowing, they get into stand-up road madness, industry gossip, dating disasters, hecklers, bombs, wins, and the weird energy that only happens when comics hang out offstage. Loose drinks, loose mouths, and a lot of bad ideas. JP McDadeStand-up comedian and writer https://www.mcdadebaby.com/bio Rachel FeinsteinStand-up comedian and actress https://rachel-feinstein.com/ Scott RogowskyTV host, comedian, and creator of HQ Trivia https://www.instagram.com/scottrogowsky Guest Bartender:MaddieFollow Maddie on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/maddieshuman Sponsored by: To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/DRUNK Right now, Soul is offering 30% off your entire order https://GetSoul.com Use code WMBD Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets ⸻ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #JPMcDade #RachelFeinstein #ScottRogowsky #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #bodegacatwhiskey 00:00 Holiday Vibes and Bartender Maddie 02:22 Festive Drinks and Holiday Traditions 03:33 Comedy Show Trips and Flying Stories 10:09 Big Celebrities in the Crowd 12:33 Celebrity DMs, Online Etiquette, and Sliding In 17:47 Holiday Plans and Standup Gigs 24:08 Hangovers, Adderall, and Life on the Road 29:20 Basketball With Adam Sandler 33:15 Sponsor Messages and Comic Banter 37:40 Holiday Gift Exchanges & Comic Impressions 41:47 Wild Bar Stories and Dating Mishaps 48:36 Crazy Exes and Relationship Horror Stories 56:46 Podcast Career Stories & Clearing the Air 01:01:36 Getting Personal: Breakups and Dating Apps 01:10:11 Older Women & Dating Preferences 01:17:53 Comedy Roots, Early Open Mic Days 01:26:08 Plugging Shows and Standup Memories 01:31:01 Comic Camaraderie & Writing Process 01:34:42 Closing Thoughts, Reflections, and Farewells Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:06Mark Normand?

  Hey, happy holidays!

• 0:09Sam Morril?

  This is, oh, look at it, we're rolling around here. This is a, this is a good time of year, man.

• 0:13Mark Normand?

  Look at this, well, I feel like Clark Griswold here. And we got a Santa, menorah, Kwanzaa.

• 0:20Sam Morril?

  Like every other building in New York. 99% Christmas, and then we stuck a little fucking menorah.

• 0:25Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 0:26Sam Morril?

  But Hanukkah's over.

• 0:27Mark Normand?

  Labia Majora and menorah, right here. Matty, everybody.

• 0:30Sam Morril?

  Matty! We got a bartender for this episode.

• 0:33Mark Normand?

  Yes, where'd they find you?

• 0:36Speaker 02

  The internet.

• 0:36Mark Normand?

  Ah, OnlyFans. Oh, Craigslist, hell yeah.

• 0:40Sam Morril?

  Craigslist!

• 0:41Mark Normand?

  Was that around your swinging time, Peters?

• 0:44Sam Morril?

  Did she come with a cock ring?

• 0:46Speaker 02

  I was with an inquiry for feet pics and...

• 0:48Sam Morril?

  Oh my god. Nice, that would be hilarious if Matt was doing dirty shit. He was like, "You can come on, but you gotta show us your pussy." And we're like, "Matt?"

• 0:55Mark Normand?

  Oh my, Jesus! Oh, man, holy hell.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  I was thinking lingerie is my costume.

• 1:01Sam Morril?

  Whoa, is that what he...

• 1:03Speaker 02

  With a G string.

• 1:03Mark Normand?

  Oh, Peters, you dog!

• 1:06Sam Morril?

  Peters, apparently you're a casting couch rapist.

• 1:10Mark Normand?

  He sent her a G-string! A CCR.

• 1:12Speaker 02

  I don't know what came with.

• 1:13Sam Morril?

  Oh.

• 1:13Mark Normand?

  Oh, it came with, okay.

• 1:15Sam Morril?

  Oh, good, alright.

• 1:15Mark Normand?

  I came with it too. He still picked it.

• 1:17Sam Morril?

  We came with it too.

• 1:19Mark Normand?

  Right out of the box. Okay. Well, Matty, good to have you.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  Good to be here.

• 1:25Mark Normand?

  Are you a Christian lady?

• 1:28Speaker 02

  My parents never really forced any religion on me, so...

• 1:31Sam Morril?

  Wow, so progressive.

• 1:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. They've been very much like, "You can do what you want."

• 1:36Sam Morril?

  Well, what do they celebrate?

• 1:37Speaker 02

  Christmas.

• 1:38Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah, so you did Christmas?

• 1:40Speaker 02

  We did Christmas, but there was never like a church and...

• 1:44Mark Normand?

  Sure, same here. My parents forced something else on me. But, yeah, we had a good time. Well, yeah, you'll be whipping up some libations, some adult beverages.

• 1:54Sam Morril?

  What are we doing here?

• 1:55Speaker 02

  I was thinking old fashions.

• 1:57Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 1:58Mark Normand?

  Another one of that.

• 1:59Sam Morril?

  What's the twist?

• 2:00Speaker 02

  Twist is some ginger powder that I just got from Zanzibar.

• 2:03Sam Morril?

  Whoa, I love it.

• 2:04Mark Normand?

  Zanzibar.

• 2:05Speaker 02

  But they also have lactaid eggnog, if anyone is feeling...

• 2:09Mark Normand?

  I'll do some eggnog as well, I'm just an eggnog fanatic. I put in my coffee starting December 1st.

• 2:14Sam Morril?

  I like a little eggnog. I can't think of it without the classic David Tell joke, "Elf come."

• 2:18Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Slap it on my back.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  I can call this cocktail to come teeny if you want.

• 2:24Mark Normand?

  Ooh, alright.

• 2:27Sam Morril?

  That's where he calls me when I come.

• 2:30Mark Normand?

  Come teeny.

• 2:33Mark Normand?

  Ah, that's good.

• 2:34Sam Morril?

  I'm excited. Yeah, this is a, this is a good time of year. You, you just, I want to hear about this show. You flew out like a psycho for one night.

• 2:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 2:42Sam Morril?

  You went to, I, so I almost did a west coast trip too for one night for the Knicks in-season tournament championship. I bought the plane ticket and then I, my friend's tickets fell through and I was like, I was feeling kinda sick, so I was like, let me just fucking...

• 2:53Mark Normand?

  Did you get a refund?

• 2:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course.

• 2:55Mark Normand?

  Woo!

• 2:56Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:57Sam Morril?

  So what, you went to LA for...

• 2:59Mark Normand?

  I'm such a cunt, cuz Adam Ray goes, "Do my show," and I go, "Ah, it's in the middle, it's Tuesday," and it's a cross-country flight. He goes, "I'll fly you Delta One." I said, "I'm there."

• 3:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but he would've done that any day, probably.

• 3:10Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 3:11Sam Morril?

  He's generous.

• 3:11Mark Normand?

  He's very generous. Although, sometimes I'm like, "Just give me a middle seat and I'll take the pay."

• 3:15Sam Morril?

  No, shut up. You, you don't wanna, you wanna be going in there furious.

• 3:19Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 3:20Sam Morril?

  You got to, you got to look forward to the flight.

• 3:22Mark Normand?

  Well, I got bad news, Fatty.

• 3:23Sam Morril?

  What?

• 3:24Mark Normand?

  I flew out there, everything was great, Delta One's amazing, you get your own, your own entrance. It's incredible.

• 3:29Sam Morril?

  Yes, at the big airports you do.

• 3:30Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 3:31Sam Morril?

  It's pretty cool.

• 3:31Mark Normand?

  JFK, your own entrance, you walk through, you feel like, "Catch me if you can."

• 3:35Sam Morril?

  Yeah. And, oh, and how about that lounge?

• 3:36Mark Normand?

  And the lounge is unbelievable.

• 3:38Sam Morril?

  They're bringing out fucking sushi.

• 3:39Mark Normand?

  Sushi, salmon, drinks, oh, man.

• 3:41Sam Morril?

  Happy endings galore.

• 3:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:44Sam Morril?

  It was a guy, but still, the thought that counts.

• 3:45Mark Normand?

  Yes, yeah, I had a come teeny, it was great. And, uh, did, you know, did the flight, flight was good, got the lay-down, amazing. You don't want the flight to end. I get to LA.

• 3:56Sam Morril?

  Did you zap through any movies on there?

• 3:57Mark Normand?

  What did I watch? I watched, uh, The Darkest Hour.

• 4:00Sam Morril?

  Oh, I heard it's good.

• 4:01Mark Normand?

  It's pretty good. It's about, um...

• 4:02Sam Morril?

  Churchill.

• 4:03Mark Normand?

  Churchill, who I love.

• 4:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 4:05Mark Normand?

  Uh, and Gary Oldman killed it.

• 4:06Sam Morril?

  He's good.

• 4:07Mark Normand?

  Very good. So I land in LA, I go to the hotel, I shower, go straight to the Wilt Turn Theater.

• 4:12Sam Morril?

  Where'd he, where'd he put you up?

• 4:13Mark Normand?

  Hotel Figaro.

• 4:14Sam Morril?

  How was that?

• 4:15Mark Normand?

  Very nice, very nice. Downtown LA, but nice.

• 4:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that's, that's how they get ya. That, that, we stayed downtown for that Netflix thing, I was like... You walk, you're like, "Man, this is a nice hotel." You walk 10 feet, you're like, "Think of the hotel, that's where we'll stay here."

• 4:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 4:29Sam Morril?

  That was, that was dicey as fuck.

• 4:30Mark Normand?

  Skid Row all day long, tents, fentanyl.

• 4:33Sam Morril?

  Skid marks when I walked out. Jesus Christ.

• 4:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah. There you go, Matty, shake it up!

• 4:39Sam Morril?

  Yes, love it.

• 4:41Mark Normand?

  The old Michael J. Fox. So, go to the Wiltern. Guess who's in the... I get there, the green room's abuzz. There's food, there's a bartender.

• 4:48Sam Morril?

  The Wiltern's gorgeous.

• 4:49Mark Normand?

  Gorgeous, old, classic LA theater.

• 4:51Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 4:52Mark Normand?

  So I'm already in my head, like, ah, I flew here, I better kill it. You know, it's a sold-out theater, it's the last one, here we go. I'm a little nervous.

• 4:59Sam Morril?

  He's retiring, Dr. Phil?

• 5:00Mark Normand?

  That's it, it's over. I just showed up to make sure it was dead. That's really why I went. Enough's enough already. And I get to the green room, I'm kind of in my head, I want to do well. It's all off the cuff, you know, you can't do anything.

• 5:12Sam Morril?

  It's a tough show. I've done it once in Phoenix. I had fun, but I got fucking... I got wrecked that night. All I remember is Adam Carolla putting me in a headlock, he was so drunk. I think I was taking the hug his father should have gotten.

• 5:26Sam Morril?

  I was like, oh, fuck! But we had fun, we had fun getting lit up.

• 5:29Mark Normand?

  He's a strong guy, Adam Carolla.

• 5:30Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 5:31Mark Normand?

  He's like a football player.

• 5:32Sam Morril?

  Yeah, there's a lot of rage there, too.

• 5:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

• 5:35Sam Morril?

  But he was fun to get drunk with.

• 5:36Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he can put him back, that Carolla.

• 5:39Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and I just... And I look like his illegitimate son, so it looked even weirder. I looked like, he was like, I'm sorry.

• 5:44Mark Normand?

  It's like his head and your arm.

• 5:45Sam Morril?

  I'm sorry, son.

• 5:46Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. A lot of brillo going on over there.

• 5:49Sam Morril?

  Oh, my god. Two eyebrows, total. What, so who's there?

• 5:54Mark Normand?

  So it's... I don't know if I can give it away. Because they come out in like a month and a year, these things.

• 5:58Sam Morril?

  Just say it.

• 5:59Mark Normand?

  Alright, fine. It wasn't... It was just like a who's who of his favorite guests. It was me, Harlan Williams, Urkel.

• 6:07Sam Morril?

  The big three.

• 6:09Mark Normand?

  And Santino.

• 6:10Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 6:11Mark Normand?

  Bobby Bailed, and... Somebody else. So, you know, we're all hanging out in the green room. Oh, my god, look at that.

• 6:19Sam Morril?

  What is this?

• 6:20Speaker 02

  This is the Kumtini.

• 6:21Sam Morril?

  Ooh, the Kumtini.

• 6:22Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Eggnog, little bourbon.

• 6:24Sam Morril?

  Wow, it's nice and cold, too.

• 6:26Mark Normand?

  Woo, that's a great glass. Thank you, man.

• 6:29Speaker 02

  Hope you like it.

• 6:31Sam Morril?

  Oh my god.

• 6:32Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 6:33Sam Morril?

  That is too goo- this is too good.

• 6:35Mark Normand?

  What are women complaining about? Swallowing?

• 6:38Sam Morril?

  This is fucking incredible.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  That's not gonna hurt your stomach.

• 6:42Mark Normand?

  You got that right, lactaid.

• 6:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 6:44Mark Normand?

  That feels anti-semitic.

• 6:45Sam Morril?

  I drink whole milk. You don't drink whole milk?

• 6:47Mark Normand?

  I do, but I'd figured, you know.

• 6:49Sam Morril?

  Because I'm a Jew?

• 6:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, the gods are going on down there. The gas chamber.

• 6:52Sam Morril?

  There's a ceasefire, we can handle it. So who's the big name?

• 6:57Mark Normand?

  I guess, uh, there wasn't one.

• 6:59Sam Morril?

  What? You said there was someone big in the crowd.

• 7:01Mark Normand?

  Oh, in the, in the green room. In the crowd, oh, sorry. Thought you meant on stage.

• 7:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 7:05Mark Normand?

  So I'm already nervous, and then guess who's in the room? Take a wild guess, big celebrity. Mike Tyson.

• 7:11Sam Morril?

  Gimme, gimme a-

• 7:12Mark Normand?

  I'm talking current, like, current, hot celebrity.

• 7:15Sam Morril?

  Oh, uh, Brad Pitt.

• 7:17Mark Normand?

  No.

• 7:18Sam Morril?

  But la- that type of celebrity?

• 7:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah, maybe more pop-cultury.

• 7:23Sam Morril?

  Damn, I don't know.

• 7:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, Timothee Chalamet, from Matt Peters. No, but-

• 7:27Sam Morril?

  Glenn Powell.

• 7:28Mark Normand?

  No, no.

• 7:29Sam Morril?

  Cause I'm close?

• 7:30Mark Normand?

  I- somebody I'd be nervous around. I see Glenn Powell, go, "Ah, look at that hunk."

• 7:34Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so like a guy or girl?

• 7:36Mark Normand?

  Girl.

• 7:36Sam Morril?

  Oh, okay, we were way off.

• 7:38Mark Normand?

  Bonnie Blue?

• 7:40Speaker 02

  Freddie the Carpenter.

• 7:42Mark Normand?

  No, no, no.

• 7:43Sam Morril?

  Oh, fuck.

• 7:45Mark Normand?

  Biggest, maybe one of the most famous-

• 7:46Sam Morril?

  Taylor Swift?

• 7:47Mark Normand?

  Ladies on the planet. No. Actress, not a singer. You guys keep going singer.

• 7:52Sam Morril?

  Gimme an age range.

• 7:54Mark Normand?

  I'll say 25 to 35. Sydney Sweeney? There it is.

• 7:58Sam Morril?

  Whoa.

• 7:59Mark Normand?

  Sydney Sweeney, the SS. She's in the crowd, tits and all, titler, that's what I call her.

• 8:07Sam Morril?

  Sydney Sweeney for a cum teeny, I'll tell ya. She's alright, that one.

• 8:11Mark Normand?

  So you're just like, "Ugh." Uh, you know, cause you already feel-

• 8:13Sam Morril?

  Was she there with the boyfriend or not?

• 8:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, what's his name? Poopy Doopy? What's that guy's name?

• 8:18Sam Morril?

  Mark, Mark negging him in front of her? "What's your name again, dipshit?"

• 8:21Mark Normand?

  Scooby Doo, something like that.

• 8:23Sam Morril?

  Skipper, uh-

• 8:24Mark Normand?

  Skipper, Scooby-

• 8:25Sam Morril?

  Scooter Braun.

• 8:25Mark Normand?

  Scooter Braun.

• 8:26Sam Morril?

  We got it.

• 8:27Mark Normand?

  Thank you. Jewish? He's gotta be.

• 8:29Sam Morril?

  Braun's gotta be Jewish.

• 8:30Mark Normand?

  Gotta be Jewish.

• 8:31Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:31Mark Normand?

  How about that?

• 8:32Sam Morril?

  He's drinking the lactaid eggnog, I'll tell you that much.

• 8:34Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Well, he's got two iron domes, uh, at home.

• 8:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 8:38Mark Normand?

  Because, holy moly, she's just right there, like, right where Maddie is.

• 8:42Sam Morril?

  Did you have a moment with her?

• 8:43Mark Normand?

  No, I got a restraining order. But, uh, no, I, I didn't wanna go near her, cause everybody's bothering her, everybody's all over her. By the way, did you see the Zion text?

• 8:52Sam Morril?

  Is that real?

• 8:53Mark Normand?

  I hope so. I fucking hope so.

• 8:55Sam Morril?

  It felt made up. The Zion Williamson text.

• 8:59Mark Normand?

  She must get those five times a day.

• 9:01Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but I don't think she's the type that would post them.

• 9:03Mark Normand?

  Uh, oh, it wasn't Sweeney, it was Sidney Thomas, sorry.

• 9:07Sam Morril?

  Oh. Who's also a hot- There was also a Sidney Sweeney one, though.

• 9:10Mark Normand?

  Oh, okay.

• 9:11Sam Morril?

  There was another one, yeah.

• 9:12Mark Normand?

  That's a different lady.

• 9:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but he commented on hers. This, this was, I saw this post, it was a DM.

• 9:17Mark Normand?

  Got it.

• 9:18Sam Morril?

  Which like, I don't think, it's one thing to, yeah, let's see, zoom in on this.

• 9:22Mark Normand?

  This is gold.

• 9:24Sam Morril?

  What?

• 9:24Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's Chinese.

• 9:27Mark Normand?

  Uh, Doja Cat.

• 9:29Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you were not, uh, you're not finding this, huh? Come on, you got this.

• 9:32Mark Normand?

  Google, bitch.

• 9:35Speaker 03

  Hold on.

• 9:36Mark Normand?

  Alright.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Ah ha! No.

• 9:38Sam Morril?

  No, it's a DM. You had it.

• 9:40Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 9:41Speaker 03

  But they're like TikToks.

• 9:43Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah, but you can't zoom in on that?

• 9:44Speaker 03

  I click it and it goes to Doja Cat.

• 9:46Sam Morril?

  Hmm. Oh, wait, yeah, there it is.

• 9:48Mark Normand?

  There it is.

• 9:49Sam Morril?

  Who's this man? Get him out of my DM. It's Zion with two heart, uh, face emojis. Hey, do you play Roblox? What, I don't know what that is.

• 9:59Mark Normand?

  That's what Kevin Spacey wrote. It's a kid's video game.

• 10:03Sam Morril?

  Is it?

• 10:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 10:04Sam Morril?

  No, why are you asking? Laughing my ass off, uh, is that supposed to be, I don't know?

• 10:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, he misspelled it.

• 10:11Sam Morril?

  Why I ask that? I'm just, uh, trying to fuck, lol. I'm good. Rats. This is not real.

• 10:16Mark Normand?

  I love rats. That's great.

• 10:18Sam Morril?

  He turned into Joe Mackey there.

• 10:20Mark Normand?

  But don't you, this one's gotta be nice, gotta be an NBA player. You gotta do all this smoozing, rigamarole, let's get dinner, huh? He's just like, I wanted to fuck.

• 10:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I've heard from the, there's a famous Hall of Famer who would say he just would slide into women's DMs with two eye emojis, like.

• 10:35Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 10:36Sam Morril?

  And it would work.

• 10:37Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 10:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but it didn't work here, but this isn't real.

• 10:40Mark Normand?

  And she's, she's taken four.

• 10:42Speaker 03

  So who supposedly posted this? Zion or her? Sidney Sweeney posted this?

• 10:46Sam Morril?

  This, this can't be real.

• 10:48Mark Normand?

  I mean, that's easily photographed.

• 10:49Sam Morril?

  If this was, if this was real, it would be like real news.

• 10:52Mark Normand?

  Hmm, true. But, but you're a lady. That wouldn't work with you, trying to fuck.

• 10:58Speaker 02

  God, no.

• 10:58Mark Normand?

  See? That's what sucks about women.

• 11:02Mark Normand?

  Well, it's just, uh, cuz that's all we wanna do, but we have to package it with all this other stuff.

• 11:06Sam Morril?

  I'm just looking for someone to play Roblox with. That would be pretty cool for me.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  The honesty is admirable.

• 11:12Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 11:13Sam Morril?

  Have you slid in the DMs?

• 11:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah, of course.

• 11:15Sam Morril?

  Same, same.

• 11:16Mark Normand?

  What do you think this is?

• 11:16Sam Morril?

  Have you, but you have, what's the highest you've aimed?

• 11:19Mark Normand?

  Oh, never that high.

• 11:20Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 11:21Mark Normand?

  It's, yeah.

• 11:21Sam Morril?

  Out of fear that they'll post it?

• 11:23Mark Normand?

  No, no, just out of, just, I know my hotness level.

• 11:28Sam Morril?

  Nah, but you're a handsome guy.

• 11:29Mark Normand?

  I'm going Melissa McCarthy.

• 11:30Sam Morril?

  He's a, isn't he a handsome guy?

• 11:31Mark Normand?

  Nah, I'm going, uh, Susan Boyle. I go, I go low.

• 11:36Sam Morril?

  Susan Boyle posts, wow, who the fuck is this guy?

• 11:39Mark Normand?

  I'm just trying to fuck.

• 11:40Sam Morril?

  I just wanna eat your pussy, please.

• 11:42Mark Normand?

  Come on, you can sing while I eat you out. What?

• 11:45Speaker 02

  Rats.

• 11:45Mark Normand?

  Rats.

• 11:48Sam Morril?

  That's my apartment. But, uh, yeah, dude, I, I mean, uh...

• 11:52Mark Normand?

  So, yeah, I went, I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, cuz now I know she's in the crowd. So I went to like high school me of like, she's hot, I'm not, she's cool, I'm a nerd, she's sexy, I'm gay, I just couldn't

• 12:03Sam Morril?

  Nah, you're cool, dude.

• 12:05Mark Normand?

  So, yeah, I mean, I probably would fucking shrink, I mean, Jesus Christ. I know, it's insane. And then in person, it's one of those things where you know people go, how's she look in real life? The same, exactly the same, she's little.

• 12:14Sam Morril?

  Super hot.

• 12:15Mark Normand?

  Tiny lady. But, yeah.

• 12:17Sam Morril?

  That's LA, man.

• 12:18Mark Normand?

  Crazy, just right there.

• 12:19Sam Morril?

  We got Barney Greengrass, they have, uh, big fake tits in the front row.

• 12:23Mark Normand?

  Those are real.

• 12:24Sam Morril?

  Are they real?

• 12:25Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. That's part of the, the appeal, I think.

• 12:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, it's like a Jessica Rabbit thing, totally, I get it.

• 12:31Mark Normand?

  Totally.

• 12:32Sam Morril?

  She is hot.

• 12:33Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:34Sam Morril?

  It's not a hot take.

• 12:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 12:36Sam Morril?

  Like I said, she, look, she is hot, I'll, I'll give it to her, I know she was waiting for me to give it up.

• 12:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and then you start thinking, well, has she heard all the jokes I've made about her? And then I'm like, oh, okay.

• 12:46Sam Morril?

  And then no, no one's heard them.

• 12:47Mark Normand?

  Okay, great.

• 12:49Sam Morril?

  I mean, well, be, no one who we've shit on has heard. I mean, I hope Spacey hasn't heard, cuz then we're never getting them on this podcast.

• 12:56Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 12:56Sam Morril?

  The way they did a Superman reference on Seinfeld once a week, we get a Spacey out there every week.

• 13:02Mark Normand?

  That's true. Yeah, we need a new pedo.

• 13:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 13:05Mark Normand?

  Who's out there?

• 13:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah, we need someone to step it up.

• 13:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Pete Diddy, is he a pedo?

• 13:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he was, no, they were, I mean, eh, it was not consensual, I don't know if it was a, if he was a pedo.

• 13:16Mark Normand?

  Cuz Epstein works, but it's girls only.

• 13:20Sam Morril?

  That's the problem.

• 13:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, if Spacey, you get the boys in there.

• 13:23Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  Need an all-inclusive pedo for sure.

• 13:26Mark Normand?

  Yes, inclusive pedo.

• 13:29Mark Normand?

  Who's an exclu- who's a- it was Vogel?

• 13:33Sam Morril?

  He was a pedo, but it's an old reference.

• 13:35Mark Normand?

  It's an old reference.

• 13:37Speaker 03

  I believe there's a word petterast, which means boys and girls.

• 13:41Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 13:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I remember that one from Lebowski.

• 13:43Speaker 03

  Oh, that's right.

• 13:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Walter, he's a petterast.

• 13:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:47Mark Normand?

  Petteraskis, sir. Alright.

• 13:49Sam Morril?

  It is funny that they have like, like, just for the English language, we have such specific words.

• 13:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 13:55Sam Morril?

  Like, he's a pedo, I'm a petterast, okay? I don't discriminate.

• 13:59Speaker 03

  Like Eskimos have ninety words for snow, we have like forty-five words for pedos.

• 14:03Sam Morril?

  Oh, I'm thinking about how many words we have for vagina.

• 14:05Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 14:06Speaker 03

  Go.

• 14:07Mark Normand?

  Clam, cooter, snatch.

• 14:08Sam Morril?

  Cooch.

• 14:09Mark Normand?

  Cooch, honey pot, hatchet wound, veg.

• 14:12Sam Morril?

  Punnani?

• 14:14Mark Normand?

  Uh, oh, good one. Old man of the boat, uh...

• 14:18Sam Morril?

  Hatchet wound?

• 14:19Mark Normand?

  Beef curtains.

• 14:20Speaker 03

  It's whatever's important to your culture, if you have more words for it.

• 14:23Mark Normand?

  Ah, okay.

• 14:25Sam Morril?

  By the way, we gotta fucking do a toast for Rob Reiner, man, holy shit.

• 14:29Mark Normand?

  Oh, my god.

• 14:29Sam Morril?

  What the fuck?

• 14:31Speaker 03

  Horrible.

• 14:31Sam Morril?

  I hate, I mean, this is a drinking pot, we gotta pour it out for Rob Reiner, fucking legend, what the hell?

• 14:37Mark Normand?

  And one of the great, I mean, what a run he had, I mean, let me go through this. Spinal Tap, the first mockumentary ever made, and it was hilarious.

• 14:44Sam Morril?

  So funny.

• 14:45Mark Normand?

  Wow, how crazy is that that they dated?

• 14:47Sam Morril?

  They were married.

• 14:48Mark Normand?

  They were married. That's Carl Reiner's son and Gary Marshall's daughter. That's quite a little nepo jizz.

• 14:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 14:55Mark Normand?

  Um, okay, so we got Spinal Tap, Stand By Me, Princess Bride.

• 15:01Sam Morril?

  Misery.

• 15:02Mark Normand?

  Misery, Few Good Men, uh...

• 15:06Sam Morril?

  Fuck, we're missing one.

• 15:07Mark Normand?

  That's a horror genre, a drama, a comedy, um...

• 15:12Sam Morril?

  When Harry Met Sally?

• 15:13Mark Normand?

  Thank you, that's the other big one. That's a rom-com, all the genres.

• 15:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, he was fucking great.

• 15:19Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 15:20Sam Morril?

  You, you take for granted his greatness.

• 15:22Mark Normand?

  Yes, hundred percent.

• 15:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 15:25Mark Normand?

  He was great, his son's a cunt, fuck him.

• 15:28Sam Morril?

  Fuck that kid, dude.

• 15:29Mark Normand?

  Get some help, kill someone, kill someone else, don't kill your dad. It had Menendez vibes without the molesting.

• 15:36Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 15:36Mark Normand?

  At least let, get a molester.

• 15:40Sam Morril?

  Like that was his last thought right before he was like, I should have gotten one. No. Been killed anyway. No.

• 15:49Sam Morril?

  No, I mean dude, it's fucking, it's, it's like a tragedy of like, I mean, I've never, I can't think of one. I know.

• 15:55Mark Normand?

  Look at this run. I know you just said this, but I'm really just looking at it. Spinal Tap, then something called The Short Thing, Stand By Me, Princess Bride, Harry Met Sally, Misery, A Few Good Men.

• 16:03Sam Morril?

  We literally, we literally just said that dude.

• 16:05Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 16:07Sam Morril?

  That was good. President wasn't bad either. Dude, no, he was incredible.

• 16:11Mark Normand?

  Mm-hmm.

• 16:11Sam Morril?

  Fucking, all in the family dude.

• 16:14Mark Normand?

  And yeah, Meathead.

• 16:15Sam Morril?

  Fucking incredible.

• 16:16Mark Normand?

  And his dad's incredible too.

• 16:18Sam Morril?

  Carl Reiner's so funny. And they both seem like lovely people.

• 16:21Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, totally. Seemed like a cool dude.

• 16:25Sam Morril?

  Like no one who had any, who worked with him had anything but amazing things to say about him.

• 16:30Mark Normand?

  Well, Trump had a nice tweet, I thought.

• 16:33Sam Morril?

  Do you want to hear something crazy coincidence that the internet dug up? What? Oh, his, his wife took that photo.

• 16:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 16:39Sam Morril?

  Michelle Reiner took that photo.

• 16:41Mark Normand?

  Took this photo in the fucking eighties. It's all connected.

• 16:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:45Mark Normand?

  Holy shit. That is wild.

• 16:49Sam Morril?

  What a fucking weird photo.

• 16:50Mark Normand?

  I know. Is it Central Park, I guess?

• 16:52Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 16:53Mark Normand?

  Schwartz, Tony Schwartz. Well, there you go. I heard that's a good book, actually.

• 16:58Sam Morril?

  Jesus Christ.

• 16:59Mark Normand?

  But, yeah, whole so sad.

• 17:01Sam Morril?

  The world feels dark, man.

• 17:02Mark Normand?

  I mean, it was a rough week. The Bondi Beach, the Brown shooting, the Rob Reiner. It's a bad week for Jews.

• 17:11Mark Normand?

  It is.

• 17:12Sam Morril?

  True, he's right.

• 17:13Mark Normand?

  Horrible. But we always say, ah, he's got a target on his back. Jews have a target on back, front, nose and tits.

• 17:22Sam Morril?

  What the fuck's happening?

• 17:23Mark Normand?

  I'm just saying, they don't get enough credit.

• 17:25Sam Morril?

  Credit? That's not the word.

• 17:26Mark Normand?

  They don't get enough, uh, pity or what's the word? Uh, oppression?

• 17:30Sam Morril?

  Empathy?

• 17:31Mark Normand?

  Empathy, thank you. You go, hey, Jews are having a tough go and everybody rolls their eyes and you're like, whoa.

• 17:36Sam Morril?

  I love, I just love that there's a shooting. Mark's like, you guys don't get enough credit.

• 17:39Mark Normand?

  Credit was the wrong word.

• 17:40Sam Morril?

  Ah, JP, our first guest. Ooh, I love this shirt too. Sit in here, buddy.

• 17:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah, right here. Hey, that is a nice shirt.

• 17:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, man.

• 17:49Mark Normand?

  You want a, a teeny?

• 17:51Speaker 04

  Oh, I'm good, thanks.

• 17:52Sam Morril?

  JP doesn't drink anymore. JP.

• 17:53Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 17:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:58Mark Normand?

  Crazy rock bottom or what?

• 17:59Sam Morril?

  Go grab the mic.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  I make a mean mocktail if you want one.

• 18:03Speaker 04

  Oh, ooh, a mocktail would be lovely. I am a fun mom.

• 18:05Sam Morril?

  Slip a little, slip a little in. We could use some energy here.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  So let's give our guest a proper introduction.

• 18:10Sam Morril?

  Our good pal JP McDade, hilarious comedian, great joke writer.

• 18:14Speaker 04

  Fake.

• 18:15Mark Normand?

  Great writer, good to have you, great voice.

• 18:18Speaker 04

  You.

• 18:18Mark Normand?

  Great impression.

• 18:19Sam Morril?

  He does impressions, dude.

• 18:20Mark Normand?

  I've never heard him.

• 18:21Speaker 04

  You know?

• 18:22Sam Morril?

  What's the, what's the go-to impression?

• 18:24Speaker 04

  I mean, the one that's the closest is Jezzelnick. I did that one on the old Stick or Treat.

• 18:27Mark Normand?

  Nailed it. Killed it, yeah.

• 18:29Speaker 04

  Probably the greatest impression anyone's ever done.

• 18:34Speaker 04

  Greatest comedian of all time.

• 18:36Sam Morril?

  That's solid.

• 18:37Mark Normand?

  Wow, almost has a little walking in the end.

• 18:39Speaker 04

  He is walking adjacent.

• 18:40Mark Normand?

  Whoa, I never noticed that.

• 18:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah, the word, like, very, yeah, each word, yeah, each word is very, uh... When you're a one-liner comic, you gotta let each word kinda hang.

• 18:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, and when you don't have much of a personality, you gotta find something. No, I've said it by myself.

• 18:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, oh, oh, I thought that was shots fired.

• 18:58Sam Morril?

  I was like, oh, shoot, shots fired, who are you? I was like, this is a good Jezzelnick impression. Starting shit on a podcast.

• 19:03Speaker 04

  I just forget to do the voice.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  Happy Kwanzaa to you both.

• 19:09Sam Morril?

  Thank you.

• 19:09Mark Normand?

  Thank you, man, thank you.

• 19:11Sam Morril?

  Mark was just, uh, in LA. You been on the road a lot lately?

• 19:14Speaker 04

  Not a lot, no, I've been, uh, homebody mostly, but I'm gonna be in LA in a couple of weeks.

• 19:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, nice, yeah.

• 19:18Sam Morril?

  Oh, for the awards?

• 19:19Speaker 04

  Got the old Golden Globes coming up.

• 19:20Mark Normand?

  Whoa!

• 19:21Sam Morril?

  What'd I tell you? This guy, this guy's a punch-up machine, he's a great joke writer.

• 19:24Speaker 04

  I'm nominated for Best Actress in a Drama.

• 19:28Speaker 04

  No, writing the old jokes for the Glaze Dog.

• 19:30Mark Normand?

  Nikki Glaser hosting again? Wow, I like that.

• 19:34Sam Morril?

  Did you write on the last one, too?

• 19:35Speaker 04

  I did, yeah, it was a blast.

• 19:36Mark Normand?

  I like it when someone kills and they rehire them. That's how it should be. That's how this business should work. Shouldn't just be favorites and all that. It should be, you do a great job, you get work.

• 19:46Speaker 04

  I'm gonna replace with AI.

• 19:47Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 19:48Sam Morril?

  Very soon, but, uh, we're gonna, we're gonna replace our guests with AI so they don't fucking cancel on us all the time.

• 19:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah. You hear that, Rizler? Suck it, you twerp.

• 19:59Sam Morril?

  So, do you remember any jokes you got on that were like, that you were like, "Holy shit, that was a good one"?

• 20:04Speaker 04

  There was one, there was like, I remember the day of, um, really crossing my fingers that Tim Chalamet was gonna show up and have his mustache, because like, I had one that was in the monologue that was like, "Oh, please, please get it there", and I'm watching the red carpet from the, from the writers' room, like, "Come on, come on", it's like, "Yes, we got Chalamet", and the joke was like, uh, "Timmy Chalamet, you have such beautiful eyelashes on your upper lip",

• 20:24Sam Morril?

  That's perfect.

• 20:25Speaker 04

  But we need that mustache. What is this?

• 20:27Speaker 02

  It's a cranberry apple mule with canned ginger.

• 20:30Mark Normand?

  Damn, Maddie!

• 20:32Sam Morril?

  That's like a 10-word joke. That's fucking great.

• 20:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 20:36Speaker 04

  What's the shortest joke you've ever written?

• 20:39Mark Normand?

  Ooh, that's a good question.

• 20:41Speaker 04

  I was roast battling Evan Williams one time, I just said, "Evan, you thumb",

• 20:46Sam Morril?

  I remember I roast battled Sarah Tiana, I said, "You look like Chelsea Handler melted", you might have helped me with that joke.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  You bounced it off me, at least.

• 20:52Sam Morril?

  And then, uh, I had one, "Oh, you know what's a short one? My ex never made me wear a condom, because she was on the pill, Ambien",

• 20:58Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 20:58Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's very short. Very quick.

• 21:00Speaker 04

  You know what that's great, it's like, if you have some new stuff that you're trying to get in there, it's like, "Ah, that went okay", bang, quick one liner, get them back in.

• 21:07Mark Normand?

  I roasted Godfrey, just, N-word. One word!

• 21:10Sam Morril?

  But it killed.

• 21:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, it killed, he killed me.

• 21:13Speaker 04

  Soft day, even shorter.

• 21:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah! Wow, golden glow, it's cool they fly you out for that, you know, you're all in the same room, I assume.

• 21:20Speaker 04

  I love to be in a room, I'm a sucker for the office, get me in an office.

• 21:24Mark Normand?

  Same, yeah, you get the energy, thoughts, you get bounce stuff, Zoom, I hate Zoom bouncing.

• 21:30Sam Morril?

  How long are you out there?

• 21:31Speaker 04

  Just like a week, but it's gonna be a little longer this time.

• 21:34Sam Morril?

  Wow.

• 21:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:35Sam Morril?

  Do you go to the clubs with her?

• 21:36Speaker 04

  Uh, I did a few times, and that was one of the sickest things about the whole thing, is like, this fucking monologue and everything, like, it was built in comedy clubs. It was like, you know, you could try to fake it with Hollywood bullshit, but like, you get a comedian, you get them testing the shit in comedy clubs, and it worked, I mean, she ran it like 93 times.

• 21:54Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she's a psycho, I love that about her.

• 21:56Speaker 04

  The best.

• 21:56Sam Morril?

  I love that she just runs it on the ground.

• 21:58Mark Normand?

  You gotta run it, and remember, we did that Netflix roast? How much of that set changed from the live shows?

• 22:04Sam Morril?

  Yeah, when we went to, uh, Chocolate Sundays, a lot of it changed that night.

• 22:07Mark Normand?

  Oh my god.

• 22:08Sam Morril?

  They were like, "What the fuck?!"

• 22:10Mark Normand?

  Mark and I, like Mark, call a fucking taxi. Yeah. They're chasing us. They got me with a big cane. They pulled me right out of there.

• 22:17Speaker 04

  You start your roast, say like, "I ain't scared of you motherfuckers." I'm gonna say something straight off the motherfucking.

• 22:22Sam Morril?

  That was a fucking crazy.

• 22:24Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:24Sam Morril?

  We bombed so hard.

• 22:26Mark Normand?

  That was eye opening.

• 22:27Sam Morril?

  And that was the other one we did, uh, Deray Davis's show, we bombed so fucking hard too.

• 22:31Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah. Damn.

• 22:33Sam Morril?

  Black rooms are hard to run roast jokes in.

• 22:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 22:35Sam Morril?

  Especially when you're two white guys, you're like, "I'll tell you about that P Diddy," and they're like, "Who the fuck are these guys?"

• 22:39Mark Normand?

  Yeah, exactly.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  It's like, "Hey, can you guys go along with this premise for me real quick? I'm trying to run..." Oh, it's like, "You want us to do more shit for you?"

• 22:47Speaker 04

  You gotta entertain us.

• 22:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah. And it's people they don't really care about. I'm like, "So, uh, John Stamos is there," and they're like, "Who? Who the fuck that?" And you're like, "All right, never mind."

• 22:56Speaker 04

  There's like this ongoing discourse about like, white people who black people don't play about, like, who they love. John Stamos might make the list.

• 23:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'd say so.

• 23:04Speaker 04

  Uncle Jesse might have crossover appeal.

• 23:07Sam Morril?

  I, I would say so. Yeah, but it is weird to just be doing like, Luigi Mangione's in the news, and they're like, "Just fucking..."

• 23:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 23:14Speaker 04

  We get the premise.

• 23:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, yeah. Talk about the difference between white and black. How about that? That's what they wanted.

• 23:19Sam Morril?

  Are there any ones that you wrote that you were like, that got cut that were just, you're like, "Oh, come on, do this one," but she was like, "Eh."

• 23:25Speaker 04

  No, she was pretty much game for everything, but it was like, uh, it's a valuable lesson in like, not counting your chickens. If you have like, some big project that you're writing for, because it's like, "All right, this is gonna go," you know, "We've run so many versions of this." And then like, the week before, it's like, "Ah, either it stopped working, or we found something else that goes better there," so it's just like, try not to put your name on too much shit and just like, let it be what it is, you know?

• 23:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 23:46Speaker 04

  Goof off, fuck around, have some fun. Like, good room, a lot of funny people we know, like Mike Lawrence, I was with the whole time.

• 23:51Mark Normand?

  Oh, Lawrence is the king.

• 23:52Speaker 04

  Ian Carmel.

• 23:53Mark Normand?

  Nice. Oh, I know Ian.

• 23:55Sam Morril?

  It's a good room.

• 23:55Speaker 04

  Very good group.

• 23:56Mark Normand?

  Damn, that's great. You get nerv- I get nervous pitching, because I've only written on a few things, but if you pitch a, a whiff, boy, it hurts. You feel it in that room. It's a real bomb.

• 24:06Speaker 04

  Bombing pitching something in a room like that is way worse than bombing in stand-up.

• 24:11Mark Normand?

  Because you respect everybody and you want them to respect you.

• 24:13Sam Morril?

  It feels like a mic.

• 24:14Speaker 04

  It truly does.

• 24:14Sam Morril?

  We just look at a comic, comic face and you're like, "Oh, fuck."

• 24:17Mark Normand?

  Exactly. Oh, that's painful.

• 24:19Speaker 04

  Someone, I pitched something that got zero, and then later, uh, Anna Dresen, very, very funny, comic and writer, she's written on like, a ton of great- Yeah, she was a head writer at SNL. She's like, "You pitched that joke, and then your face just went backwards." Like I went, got sucked into a void.

• 24:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, man. Yeah.

• 24:37Speaker 04

  It's high pressure, baby.

• 24:39Mark Normand?

  Are you guys going, uh, doing the family thing this year? Waiting for Christmas?

• 24:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, doing a girlfriend's family thing.

• 24:45Mark Normand?

  Oh, me too.

• 24:46Sam Morril?

  Where's the girlfriend?

• 24:47Speaker 04

  Pittsburgh.

• 24:48Mark Normand?

  Ah, I think underrated town.

• 24:50Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 24:51Mark Normand?

  Thank you. Everybody hates Pittsburgh. I like it.

• 24:53Sam Morril?

  Oh, we might be shooting a movie there. We'll see.

• 24:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 24:55Sam Morril?

  We don't know.

• 24:56Mark Normand?

  Good point.

• 24:57Sam Morril?

  But yeah, Pittsburgh's cool.

• 24:58Speaker 04

  Pretty town. That was where, we got stuck on Sunday when we were there.

• 25:01Sam Morril?

  I remember that.

• 25:01Speaker 04

  We were trying to find food before like the Sunday shows. Everything was closed. We ended up going to Fogo de Chao at 4:00 PM.

• 25:08Sam Morril?

  We had the meat sweats on a fucking Sunday early show.

• 25:11Mark Normand?

  Well, it's hard not to lift that flag. You gotta do it. It's just free meat.

• 25:14Speaker 04

  You don't want to surrender.

• 25:15Mark Normand?

  No, no, exactly.

• 25:17Sam Morril?

  It tastes so good going in and it's so bad the rest of the way.

• 25:20Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 25:21Speaker 04

  They're coming at you with swords of beef and it like awakens your instincts from the medieval ages or something.

• 25:25Mark Normand?

  Exactly. You can't say no.

• 25:27Speaker 04

  You don't want to quit.

• 25:28Sam Morril?

  That was, that was fucking fun though, dude.

• 25:30Speaker 04

  That was maybe the worst I've ever done stand up comedy.

• 25:33Sam Morril?

  And we're not exactly mobile acts.

• 25:34Speaker 04

  No.

• 25:35Sam Morril?

  Sorry, sorry Jerry. But, uh, Jerry giving a shit for not moving on stage. But, uh, no, but we were, we're in the pocket.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  Why don't you move around? We don't all have residencies at the Beacon, Jerry.

• 25:47Speaker 04

  We're doing clubs.

• 25:48Mark Normand?

  New York comedy come on 24th Street. Stage is this big.

• 25:53Mark Normand?

  So yeah, Fogo de Chao is great.

• 25:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 25:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, we won't be doing that for Christmas. So you're, you're with the lady?

• 25:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah, going to Cape Cod.

• 26:00Speaker 04

  Beautiful.

• 26:00Sam Morril?

  That's nice.

• 26:01Mark Normand?

  I'm actually looking forward to it because we've been grinding so hard that I just want to sit and drink for like seven days.

• 26:06Sam Morril?

  I'm going to New Orleans for a few days. Cause I was, I was just literally, my friend, my boy Chase, you know, who was like, we should go somewhere. I don't have my passport right now. It's getting renewed. And he's like, where do you want to go? And I just, I just pulled up the Knicks road schedule.

• 26:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:18Sam Morril?

  I was like, how's New Orleans? And he goes, let's fucking do it.

• 26:20Speaker 04

  You mean your homepage?

• 26:21Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 26:25Sam Morril?

  But uh.

• 26:25Mark Normand?

  Hit me with, uh, for Rex, I'll send you a whole list.

• 26:28Sam Morril?

  Oh, I've already got a long one from Sean Padden.

• 26:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, beautiful.

• 26:30Sam Morril?

  But I've been there a bunch. I, you know, I know, I know, I know some spots.

• 26:33Mark Normand?

  Where are you gonna sleep?

• 26:34Sam Morril?

  I forgot the hotel where it's, it was nice.

• 26:37Mark Normand?

  Quarter?

• 26:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 26:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, nice.

• 26:39Sam Morril?

  Gotta stay near the quarter, man.

• 26:40Mark Normand?

  Alright, alright.

• 26:41Sam Morril?

  But yeah, I'm just visualizing, I see a psychiatrist like once every three months just for pills. And, and she was like, you're going, you're going on a vacation. I'm like, she's like, you'll, you'll get rest. I'm like, I'm just gonna get shitfaced in bars every night. And she was like, alright.

• 26:56Speaker 04

  Well, if you give me Adderall, I can keep drinking.

• 26:59Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 27:00Sam Morril?

  That's really what I'm taking her.

• 27:01Mark Normand?

  And then Ambien.

• 27:01Sam Morril?

  Oh, I'm taking, I'm taking it for all it's worth.

• 27:03Speaker 04

  Circle of life.

• 27:04Mark Normand?

  Are you an Adderall guy?

• 27:05Sam Morril?

  Oh, I love that shit.

• 27:06Mark Normand?

  Oh, I had no idea.

• 27:07Speaker 04

  Hey.

• 27:08Sam Morril?

  Concerta.

• 27:09Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, that's good stuff.

• 27:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, fucking, get me fuck, oh dude, you think I'm listening this well naturally?

• 27:15Mark Normand?

  I had no idea, you fooled me.

• 27:17Sam Morril?

  I'm on drugs, baby.

• 27:18Mark Normand?

  Wow, interesting.

• 27:20Speaker 04

  That's a thinking man's Adderall.

• 27:21Sam Morril?

  That was, that was, that was my, that was in my last special. You ever, you ever take, uh, an Adderall and really listen to your girlfriend?

• 27:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, I remember that joke.

• 27:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 27:29Mark Normand?

  Damn.

• 27:29Sam Morril?

  You get points, they're like, you're good. And they're like, this is, I'm cheating. I'm on performance-enhanced drugs, dude.

• 27:34Mark Normand?

  Right, you're juicing.

• 27:35Sam Morril?

  I feel great.

• 27:36Mark Normand?

  Damn, Adderall, it's the best hangover cure ever, by the way.

• 27:39Sam Morril?

  I mean, it's probably not good to take after a hangover, but who gives it? You're already fucking poisoning yourself.

• 27:43Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 27:44Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 27:44Mark Normand?

  Might as well let it ride.

• 27:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I was with Rachel last night and I was like, we should get fucking hammered right now. And she goes, nah, I shouldn't. I was like, well, of course we shouldn't.

• 27:53Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 27:53Sam Morril?

  But it'd be fun if we just got hammered.

• 27:55Speaker 04

  You're gonna have to make a better argument than that.

• 27:56Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's what I was trying to explain to Jerry. He's like, why would I do blow? And I'm like, well, you don't, you're not supposed to do blow. That's the point. It's fun.

• 28:03Sam Morril?

  Yeah, no, no, we're trying to find a chink in your armor.

• 28:04Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 28:05Sam Morril?

  You're perfect.

• 28:06Mark Normand?

  Right, easy, Gillis.

• 28:10Sam Morril?

  Remember when that guy got fired from ESPN for saying that about Jeremy Lin?

• 28:15Mark Normand?

  Yes. He was Asian, the dude was Asian.

• 28:16Sam Morril?

  And, and I'm like, and that's an expression.

• 28:18Mark Normand?

  It is. I think that was the cover of the Post too, one day, it was chink in the armor, by the way.

• 28:24Speaker 04

  He's pulling up his like defensive box plus minus to be like, no, really, his defense is not good. It's a chink in the armor. He's a cone out there.

• 28:31Mark Normand?

  Right.

• 28:33Sam Morril?

  No way.

• 28:33Mark Normand?

  Holy fuck.

• 28:36Mark Normand?

  That's not real. That's not real. That's more like the Zion's message. Hey, hey, speaking of prescription drugs, here we go.

• 28:46Speaker 04

  It's Jerry Seinfeld, ladies and gentlemen. Can't see. He's back.

• 28:51Mark Normand?

  That would be fun if he just wouldn't stop coming. Where he'd be like, alright Jerry. You know, like, we have friends who, big celebrities call them and they're like, oh, fuck. Louis is calling me again, you know?

• 29:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, is there anyone who calls you where you're like, I remember, I remember Artie Lange saying once, it made me laugh so hard about, uh, I used to wait three hours to see Andrew Dice play live, now I dodge his phone calls.

• 29:13Sam Morril?

  I was like, holy shit.

• 29:14Mark Normand?

  Perfect example.

• 29:14Speaker 04

  Hell, yeah. We had the opposite last weekend, the opposite effect when we played ball with, uh, Adam Sandler.

• 29:20Mark Normand?

  Yes, tell me about this.

• 29:21Speaker 04

  Incredible. The guy is a demon on the court.

• 29:24Mark Normand?

  Really?

• 29:24Sam Morril?

  He's a maestro.

• 29:25Speaker 04

  It's crazy.

• 29:26Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 29:26Speaker 04

  A run and gun, high tempo, 58-year-old point guard. That's not in anyone's scouting.

• 29:30Sam Morril?

  Oh, I told him his NBA comp is J. Kidd, but on the Knicks.

• 29:33Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 29:34Sam Morril?

  He's old, but he's still got the vision, dude.

• 29:36Speaker 04

  Crafty.

• 29:37Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Sandler's the best.

• 29:39Speaker 04

  He threw a pass that, I mean, it got deflected, but then it went through my legs.

• 29:42Sam Morril?

  Dude, but how about the, he threw, Sandler threw one that was like, it was like a Jokic-esque, like, behind the head, and everyone went, woo. Cause, cause a guy that old on the court, the bar's low.

• 29:52Speaker 04

  Right. Guy in a Hawaiian shirt in his late 50s. Just cooking 25-year-old comics.

• 29:57Sam Morril?

  Yeah, but now you see dudes in a Hawaiian shirt in the court and you're like, hold on.

• 30:01Speaker 04

  He's a hustler.

• 30:02Sam Morril?

  Just in case, yeah. Well, dude, Woody in, in White Man Can't Jump?

• 30:06Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 30:06Sam Morril?

  Dressed as like a fucking nerd.

• 30:08Speaker 04

  Brady Bunch. A little cyclist hat?

• 30:09Mark Normand?

  Yes. Those were hot back then.

• 30:12Sam Morril?

  Sit down. Quince. Getting dressed for the fall should be easy, a good sweater, pants that fit, a jacket that keeps you warm. Somehow, buying those three things can cost you more than your vacation. Quince makes high-quality staples using premium materials like 100% Mongolian cashmere. That's a good cashmere, I guess.

• 30:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 30:31Sam Morril?

  Organic cotton, merino wool, you know I love merino wool.

• 30:34Mark Normand?

  That's the best wool.

• 30:35Sam Morril?

  That's that wool keeps your feet nice and warm in the winter.

• 30:38Mark Normand?

  Very nice.

• 30:39Sam Morril?

  Love merino wool. Their cashmere sweaters start at 60 bucks, that's wild. They also have premium down jackets, classic wool outerwear for when the temperature drops. Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for quality instead of the brand markup, that's right, no kid labor, I would, I think. Sounds like no kid labor. Is it ethical, right? Uh, no animal testing, probably ethical.

• 31:06Mark Normand?

  Very good.

• 31:06Sam Morril?

  I, I wear their shit all the time.

• 31:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, I love Quince.

• 31:09Sam Morril?

  I love it, dude. I, it's quality, it fits right, and it's not expensive. I, I love it. And I like what, like, when it's not the logo everywhere.

• 31:15Mark Normand?

  Yeah, true, true.

• 31:17Sam Morril?

  It's got, it's got everything going for it. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK as well. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, let them know it was We Might Be Drunk. It's the best way to support the show. Quince!

• 31:37Mark Normand?

  Thank you. Hey, sit down! Shopify, We Might Be Drunk. The new year's always comes with that feeling that this is the final year. You do the thing you've been thinking about forever. Everyone has a business idea, a product they should sell, a store they've already designed in their head. The hard part isn't the idea, it's taking the real first step and actually launching. That's why Shopify exists. Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online and in person, whether you're starting from scratch or turning a side hustle into something real. Millions of entrepreneurs have already done it. From first time sellers to massive brands, you can choose from hundreds of places, hundreds of beautiful templates, customize them to fit your brand, and use Shopify's built-in AI tools to write product descriptions, headlines, and even help edit photos.

• 32:21Mark Normand?

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• 33:02Mark Normand?

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• 33:40Mark Normand?

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• 34:25Mark Normand?

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• 35:02Mark Normand?

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• 35:46Mark Normand?

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• 36:00Sam Morril?

  Rach. Hey guys.

• 36:03Mark Normand?

  I haven't seen you since we got fucked up at dinner.

• 36:05Sam Morril?

  Oh man, we got, me, Norman, Rachel, Liz, we go to Lartuzzi, they serve bodega cat now, we got fucking hammered.

• 36:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 36:13Sam Morril?

  It was great. That was a great meal.

• 36:15Mark Normand?

  That was my flight to LA the next day, it was brutal.

• 36:17Sam Morril?

  We were so hammered, Mark, we were so fucking hammered, we're walking on the street, and Norman finds a walker on the street, and just, we're drunk enough that he starts using it as a prop and gag. By the end of the night, it's just an actual need.

• 36:28Speaker 05

  It was so dumb, yet so perfectly hilarious. He was just like, "I can't walk, but I can walk." "Ah."

• 36:35Speaker 06

  I'm walking here.

• 36:36Speaker 05

  You complaining about getting up early was infuriating me, like, because I know I'm getting up at my, like, it's, you know, 7 a.m. with my baby, and he's like, "I gotta fly, it's rough." Fuck you.

• 36:45Mark Normand?

  Well, I got a baby too. Baby then flight.

• 36:47Sam Morril?

  Yeah, Mark, I gotta get up and leave my family, it's hard for me too.

• 36:51Mark Normand?

  This is me with my family, there's no dad.

• 36:54Sam Morril?

  Mark, you gotta take a, you gotta take a holiday photo where everyone's holding an AK-47, you gotta do one of those.

• 37:00Mark Normand?

  I'd love that.

• 37:01Sam Morril?

  Do you want a drink?

• 37:03Speaker 05

  Yes, please.

• 37:04Sam Morril?

  This is Maddie, our bartender.

• 37:05Speaker 05

  Hi Maddie, thank you for having me. Um, I'll have, uh, what was that thing you gave me that night? That was pretty good.

• 37:12Sam Morril?

  A paper plane?

• 37:13Mark Normand?

  Roofie.

• 37:14Sam Morril?

  I didn't take. She's got a strong constitution with this one.

• 37:17Speaker 05

  I'll have an abortion pill.

• 37:19Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 05

  And a paper plane.

• 37:21Sam Morril?

  I've never been harder. Let's get rid of that thing.

• 37:24Mark Normand?

  By the way, when are they gonna mass produce those? Like BlueChew?

• 37:28Mark Normand?

  Make them easier to get.

• 37:29Speaker 04

  Get them into vending machine, yeah.

• 37:30Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 37:31Speaker 05

  Should we, uh, should we get the gifts out of the way?

• 37:33Mark Normand?

  Oh, no.

• 37:34Speaker 05

  I didn't know JP was here.

• 37:35Speaker 04

  Oh, I feel like an asshole.

• 37:36Sam Morril?

  What is this?

• 37:36Speaker 05

  Listen, um, the, these two could be for either of you, honestly.

• 37:40Sam Morril?

  Let's see.

• 37:41Speaker 05

  I think that's for Mark's time.

• 37:42Sam Morril?

  Oh, this is definitely for Mark, yeah.

• 37:44Mark Normand?

  Oh, hey, alright.

• 37:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 37:47Speaker 05

  You got a one.

• 37:47Sam Morril?

  He's already going down the pole, if you know what I mean. Alright, ooh, NYPD.

• 37:52Mark Normand?

  Oh, these are my size. Thanks.

• 37:54Speaker 05

  You said you wanted those, Sam.

• 37:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, wait, that's yours. Those are too big for me.

• 38:00Sam Morril?

  Alright, I'll take them. Thanks.

• 38:02Mark Normand?

  Back to blue.

• 38:03Speaker 05

  I'm sure you can find some of these.

• 38:05Sam Morril?

  This is a great move. I bring a woman back, I just take my pants off.

• 38:08Speaker 05

  I knew it. I was about to say, you could ironically work that into a blowjob that would be a bit.

• 38:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'm packing heat.

• 38:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah. I'm just about to get blown. I'm like, oh yeah, blue lives matter.

• 38:17Mark Normand?

  Yeah, here's my nightstick.

• 38:20Speaker 05

  I knew you would punch that up to a bit.

• 38:22Mark Normand?

  Just don't bring a black girl home. She's gonna be like, I'm outta here.

• 38:25Speaker 05

  Oh my, if I had a quarter.

• 38:30Mark Normand?

  Alright, you're Jewish.

• 38:31Sam Morril?

  I know, I knew that was, I was like, just let it linger. I knew it was coming. I can't make that one.

• 38:37Mark Normand?

  I brought you some holly.

• 38:38Speaker 05

  Oh my goodness.

• 38:39Mark Normand?

  Thank you for the shirt. This is very cute.

• 38:41Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 38:42Speaker 05

  Well, I love you, boys.

• 38:44Mark Normand?

  You're, you're, my baby's already wearing your other onesies.

• 38:47Speaker 05

  Really?

• 38:48Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:48Speaker 05

  That's very sweet. Well, you know how I root for you foul beasts.

• 38:51Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 38:52Sam Morril?

  Should, you wanna do a paper plane too?

• 38:54Mark Normand?

  Right now?

• 38:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah, man, you fucking done with that, basically?

• 38:57Speaker 05

  Mark, what are you, fuck, pussy?

• 38:58Mark Normand?

  Well, I'm going on the eggnog train.

• 38:59Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm scared. My pussy hurts too much. I can't possibly do it.

• 39:05Speaker 04

  That takes courage.

• 39:08Speaker 04

  It's actually tougher.

• 39:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, I'll do a plane.

• 39:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah, let's do three planes.

• 39:12Speaker 04

  9/11, why not?

• 39:15Speaker 04

  Three planes going down.

• 39:16Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 39:20Sam Morril?

  Oh, man.

• 39:21Mark Normand?

  I just watched Cast Away again.

• 39:23Sam Morril?

  Oh, man. I got a lot of problems with it. It is a good movie.

• 39:26Mark Normand?

  It's great.

• 39:27Sam Morril?

  But that ending, it's like, come on.

• 39:28Mark Normand?

  It's too, uh...

• 39:29Sam Morril?

  He hasn't been gone that long. She got a whole new life?

• 39:31Mark Normand?

  Four years he's gone.

• 39:32Sam Morril?

  Four years he's gone. She's got like a husband, a baby.

• 39:35Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 39:35Speaker 04

  They mentioned the Tennessee Titans Super Bowl to put a timestamp on it.

• 39:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah. They were like, Titans made the Super Bowl. Almost won, too.

• 39:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah. I think that was to show it was awkward. They had nothing to... They couldn't get real.

• 39:46Sam Morril?

  They still made out.

• 39:47Mark Normand?

  They made out big time.

• 39:48Sam Morril?

  I spent four...

• 39:49Speaker 05

  The girl, the girl moves on in it. I never saw it.

• 39:52Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah. Helen Hunt moves on. She marries Mr. Big.

• 39:54Speaker 05

  If it was a guy, he would've moved on in like two weeks. My mom's... Like, one of my mom's best friends, like, had leukemia. The guy was like in a square dance with another chick like a week later.

• 40:02Mark Normand?

  Jeez, a square dance. By the way, this is the second movie where she runs out in the rain.

• 40:06Sam Morril?

  That's as good as it gets, isn't it?

• 40:08Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 05

  Oh, I was just about to ask for that.

• 40:10Mark Normand?

  But Helen Hunt had a run.

• 40:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and a rack.

• 40:12Mark Normand?

  And a rack. She was the original Sweeney.

• 40:15Speaker 05

  Tremendous.

• 40:16Mark Normand?

  But...

• 40:16Sam Morril?

  I don't know about that.

• 40:21Speaker 04

  The new thing in any TV show is tits in the first episode.

• 40:24Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 40:24Speaker 04

  Last few years, like, big reveal, show some tits in the first episode gets a lot more viewers, I think.

• 40:29Speaker 05

  I remember... Do you guys remember that movie from like the 90s or something? It's like a super old film. And all the women are lined up in bikinis and then they... They... Their boobs pop up one by one and they make tit holes in the sand. That was always my dream when I was a young girl. To grow up one day and be a lady that would make tit holes in the sand.

• 40:47Sam Morril?

  What is that?

• 40:48Speaker 05

  I think it's maybe Top Secret.

• 40:51Sam Morril?

  That's a great movie.

• 40:52Mark Normand?

  Great movie.

• 40:52Speaker 05

  One of the greatest comics of all time. Is that it? Just Google tit holes in the sand. That was my main goal as a young child.

• 40:58Mark Normand?

  All right.

• 40:59Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:59Mark Normand?

  Sounds like an old career.

• 41:00Speaker 05

  I was like a really bad student. My mom would always take me to get scanned. Like, they just figured, like, I don't know, they'd keep scanning me and something would come up. And before one of my brain scans to figure out why I was such a throbbing tard, we watched this movie.

• 41:12Mark Normand?

  Oh, this is exciting.

• 41:13Speaker 05

  And I was like, I just wanna grow up and make tit holes in the sand.

• 41:15Sam Morril?

  It sounds like the sequel to Islands in the Stream.

• 41:17Mark Normand?

  There you go. Well, you've got an ample rack, right, Ray?

• 41:21Speaker 05

  Oh, thanks, Mark. I mean, at this point in time, they hadn't really sprouted yet.

• 41:25Mark Normand?

  A sea? What are you working with these days?

• 41:28Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 41:28Mark Normand?

  Sure, the baby ruined everything, but you know what I mean.

• 41:31Speaker 05

  Ruined everything is great. Thank you. Every time I see Mark, he says something more devastating.

• 41:38Speaker 05

  Like, Mark has, like, play-by-play changed the way I view myself.

• 41:42Mark Normand?

  I'm trying to compliment your...

• 41:44Speaker 05

  You've shattered my self-esteem every time I see it.

• 41:48Mark Normand?

  What do you got, a couple of D's?

• 41:49Speaker 05

  You just said my body was wrecked by my baby.

• 41:52Mark Normand?

  I was joking, your body's great.

• 41:54Speaker 05

  Every, every time I say it.

• 41:55Sam Morril?

  If you were, if you were a disaster, he wouldn't say this. That's part of the joke.

• 41:58Speaker 05

  I try to keep that in mind. That's what I tell myself when I'm flapping around in the wee hours of the night replaying Mark's haunting.

• 42:05Mark Normand?

  Okay, you've admitted it.

• 42:07Sam Morril?

  I love Vito's joke about how his wife, after breastfeeding, did not return her breasts in the condition that he gave them to the baby.

• 42:14Speaker 05

  If I were her, she should shoot him right in the face for that.

• 42:17Sam Morril?

  I had, dude, at Carnegie Hall, I had to like, watch her just listen to all his jokes about him.

• 42:21Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 42:22Sam Morril?

  And my opener after Gary's usually like, "Man, that guy hates his wife and always gets a pop."

• 42:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Couldn't do that one.

• 42:28Sam Morril?

  Oh, I did it.

• 42:29Speaker 04

  Acoustics of Carnegie Hall.

• 42:32Mark Normand?

  So what, C+?

• 42:33Speaker 05

  Oh, my, my bra size, I think 34C. I mean, I'm not.

• 42:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's the ideal tit. Ideal tit.

• 42:39Sam Morril?

  That's a great tit, especially with your frame, Rachel. That's very impressive.

• 42:42Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 42:43Speaker 05

  Again, I just want to thank my team at WME like I always do.

• 42:47Speaker 03

  By the way, Mark, it's not pluses and minuses. It's double B.

• 42:51Mark Normand?

  I know, I was joking. C+ was great. Yeah.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  A negative.

• 42:55Mark Normand?

  There you go.

• 42:56Speaker 05

  I love that he stopped down the podcast to say that. That was incredible.

• 42:59Speaker 04

  We saw some hoisted racks.

• 43:01Speaker 05

  Classic Salicuse moment. Excuse me, but I had no problem with the rest of Mark's monologue either.

• 43:06Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you fucking nerd, Salicuse.

• 43:08Mark Normand?

  Thanks for correcting the joke.

• 43:10Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 43:12Sam Morril?

  Actually, shut up, Poindexter.

• 43:14Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Egghead. No, who was, what'd you say? What rack?

• 43:19Speaker 04

  No, we saw some hoisted racks at that, that roast in Atlantic City.

• 43:22Speaker 05

  Oh, yes, there was many at Shines.

• 43:25Sam Morril?

  What was that, the Jersey Shore roast?

• 43:27Speaker 05

  We did the Jersey Shore roast and JP came with me and helped me and it was like the most fun night.

• 43:30Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 43:31Speaker 05

  Yes, yeah, that was amazing. I mean, I feel like the guys, the guys were more, a little more into it than some of, I feel like some of the women did not care for the things that.

• 43:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, most of the women were like, they were aware of what was going on but didn't care, and the guys were just like, mostly too stupid to get what was going on.

• 43:48Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 43:49Speaker 04

  Polly D seemed pretty normal.

• 43:50Speaker 05

  And, um, and the situation, who we were mainly roasting, now they're bringing back Jersey Shore, but it's like, just like they couldn't recast it. We talked about this during the roast, but like, they combed the land and they couldn't find greater morons than these people. So, now they're just like the same, but they're like...

• 44:04Sam Morril?

  Didn't the situation have like, the all-time worst roast ever back in the day?

• 44:08Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 44:08Sam Morril?

  Yeah, they're like, "Let's run it back." Jesse Lee followed him on that roast. It was the roast of Donald Trump.

• 44:12Speaker 05

  He was also, he was also dressed like my, like, one of my aunts at like, a bat mitzvah or something. He had high-heeled shiny like, tap shoes on. JP said it looked like, what did you say again?

• 44:21Speaker 04

  Like, the Revenant? No, it looked like, it looked like he, uh, he had gone shopping at like, a dead lady's estate sale.

• 44:28Sam Morril?

  It looks like he's had a lot of work done to his face.

• 44:30Mark Normand?

  Yikes.

• 44:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, he has the nose of the old man from Up, basically.

• 44:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 44:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, it was, it was, uh, but it was a pretty fun night. I mean, it was me and him and Chris D and, uh...

• 44:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, hell yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 04

  It was a blast.

• 44:43Mark Normand?

  Was Vinnie D or Vinnie there?

• 44:44Speaker 05

  Yes, Vinnie was there. He does, he does stand-up now.

• 44:48Mark Normand?

  Good guy.

• 44:48Speaker 05

  Bringing our brand down, but, no, actually, he was, he was pretty fun. He was cool. He was funny and he was cool and he could take a joke.

• 44:54Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 44:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, he was good. I mean, I, I feel like the guys in general were down for all the insanity that we said to them, but the, um...

• 45:02Mark Normand?

  Did he bomb again?

• 45:02Speaker 05

  I was terrified of Snooki. She did not care for my horseshit.

• 45:05Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 45:06Sam Morril?

  She's tiny, huh?

• 45:07Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 45:08Speaker 05

  And me and JP, um, uh, both fucked Polly D.

• 45:12Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 45:13Sam Morril?

  That's cool.

• 45:13Speaker 05

  Cause why not?

• 45:14Sam Morril?

  Good for you.

• 45:15Speaker 05

  It's Hanukkah.

• 45:15Speaker 04

  He was centipede.

• 45:18Mark Normand?

  Now, did he bomb again?

• 45:20Speaker 04

  I think we battled before.

• 45:21Speaker 05

  Um, did we?

• 45:22Mark Normand?

  Oh, hilarious. He got out of there. Thank you, man.

• 45:24Speaker 04

  Cause he went last and he went, he went long.

• 45:26Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 45:26Speaker 04

  He's had a lot of time.

• 45:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah, this is literally the all-star lineup here. The booze, the seltzer, the coffee, the eggnog.

• 45:33Mark Normand?

  Here, here.

• 45:35Sam Morril?

  Why not?

• 45:36Mark Normand?

  How'd Chris D do?

• 45:37Speaker 05

  Hey.

• 45:38Speaker 04

  He did great.

• 45:38Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah. Here we are!

• 45:41Speaker 05

  All right.

• 45:41Speaker 04

  Shawty. Please, not be died.

• 45:44Speaker 05

  To Hitler not winning this time.

• 45:46Speaker 04

  Amen.

• 45:48Mark Normand?

  God willing.

• 45:49Speaker 05

  There we go.

• 45:52Mark Normand?

  Wow, Matty, you've got a gift.

• 45:54Speaker 04

  This is great.

• 45:55Speaker 02

  That is delightful. That's my first one ever.

• 45:57Sam Morril?

  You've never made one?

• 45:58Mark Normand?

  We took the Hyman.

• 45:59Sam Morril?

  They're pretty standard, though.

• 46:00Speaker 02

  Bar I work at's more of a, here's a High Noon and a vodka soda.

• 46:03Sam Morril?

  Where do you work?

• 46:05Speaker 02

  I work on the Upper East Side at the Stumble Inn.

• 46:07Sam Morril?

  Oh, I've been there. Freed used to do a show there that I did.

• 46:10Mark Normand?

  That was a great show.

• 46:11Speaker 02

  There's an open mic every Monday if you guys are ever...

• 46:13Sam Morril?

  I'll check it out.

• 46:14Mark Normand?

  I'll see you there.

• 46:17Speaker 04

  That used to be my circuit when I drank. It was like all the bars that are named after like stages of alcoholism.

• 46:22Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 04

  City like 13th Step.

• 46:24Mark Normand?

  Same owner.

• 46:25Sam Morril?

  Cantor used to work there, remember that one?

• 46:27Speaker 02

  That one.

• 46:27Sam Morril?

  Did they? Jason Cantor.

• 46:28Mark Normand?

  That's right.

• 46:29Sam Morril?

  Now it's like the domestic violence or something. We got hammered there.

• 46:32Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 46:32Speaker 02

  No, now it's downtown social.

• 46:34Sam Morril?

  Sure.

• 46:35Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah, then it was Down the Hatch.

• 46:36Speaker 02

  Down the Hatch?

• 46:37Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 46:37Sam Morril?

  I ended up there one night.

• 46:39Speaker 05

  Have you ever been to, there was like a bar called American Trash that was pretty fun.

• 46:43Mark Normand?

  Which one?

• 46:44Speaker 05

  American Trash.

• 46:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that was a fun one.

• 46:46Speaker 05

  That was a fun one.

• 46:47Sam Morril?

  I remember that one. But the one that was Down the Hatch is right by the cellar.

• 46:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah, 7th Ave.

• 46:52Sam Morril?

  They got beer pong there. That was a fucking, you get humbled quickly. I ain't what I used to be, dude. These college kids.

• 46:57Mark Normand?

  Oh, man.

• 46:58Sam Morril?

  It's like the NBA. I'm like, in my day, we weren't bouncing and sending it back like this.

• 47:02Speaker 04

  They're shooting like European draft picks over there. It's fucking insane.

• 47:05Mark Normand?

  Ari's wedding, we were getting trounced by those guys.

• 47:09Sam Morril?

  We had a couple, we had a couple. That one guy was a fucking ringer, dude.

• 47:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 47:12Speaker 05

  What happened?

• 47:13Sam Morril?

  Mark and I, we were playing a lot of beer pong, because we wrote that into our movie that we're really good at beer pong. And that we're like hustlers.

• 47:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 47:21Sam Morril?

  And, yeah, we were playing that. One guy was a fucking sniper.

• 47:25Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 47:25Sam Morril?

  We had a couple of good games, though.

• 47:26Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's true.

• 47:27Sam Morril?

  We'll get it back.

• 47:27Mark Normand?

  We had a good run.

• 47:28Sam Morril?

  We just gotta get back in the gym.

• 47:29Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 47:30Sam Morril?

  We'll go to the bar, we'll fucking work on the J.

• 47:32Mark Normand?

  Do you have that at Stumble Inn? You got beer pong?

• 47:34Speaker 02

  No, we don't.

• 47:35Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 47:36Speaker 02

  We used to. Everyone asks for it.

• 47:37Sam Morril?

  Well, you know what the kids do now, I noticed? They used to, we used to just take the dirty ball, throw it in the cup, and you drink the beer. Now that it's all water cups, and you just drink your beer in the side when they make it. It's for hygiene.

• 47:49Mark Normand?

  I don't like that.

• 47:50Sam Morril?

  I know, but dude, you think about it, it's pretty gross. We drank those.

• 47:53Speaker 04

  Absolutely disgusting.

• 47:54Speaker 05

  There was some sort of beer pong league at one of the... One of those bars.

• 47:59Sam Morril?

  I believe it.

• 48:00Speaker 05

  There's nothing sadder than being like the head of a beer pong.

• 48:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 48:03Speaker 05

  What kind of throbbing guttural alcoholic are you?

• 48:06Sam Morril?

  What time are you gonna be back, honey?

• 48:07Speaker 05

  I think I'll head up the team for the season.

• 48:09Sam Morril?

  You're puking and your wife's like, what happened? The team lost? Yeah. I played hard is what happened. Yeah. I got, we lost once in beer pong back in the day. I was super young and my friend who was playing beer pong and this fucking dude kept talking shit to me. And I was like blackout drunk, talking shit back. And then he beat me and I was so hammered, I started throwing the empty cups at him. And, and he was like, all right, all right. And then I was so drunk, I grabbed the water cup and just hurled it at him and drenched him. And my friend just looked from outside, he just saw through the window, the guy's choking me out again. Just some giant dude choking me out.

• 48:43Speaker 05

  Whoa.

• 48:44Sam Morril?

  The door was like.

• 48:46Speaker 05

  I love this guy so much.

• 48:48Sam Morril?

  And I walked in like, no, no, no. And I was like, no, no, no, it's all right. I deserve it.

• 48:54Sam Morril?

  Was he the bouncer? No, it was just some guy who beat us in beer pong. Oh, wow. But I was just that drunk that I threw a water cup at him.

• 49:01Speaker 05

  I remember watching these guys play beer pong and not understanding like that it was like a dumb, not a sport in any way. And like, I had a big crush on this guy at American Trash that was playing beer pong. And I remember there was this other girl, Heather, who was like somehow even sadder than I was. Probably because she was older at the time and she was sort of like swaying and kind of. And, and she was sort of supporting him and I was like, oh, are you like dating the guy? She goes, I'm just cheering for him, which is one of the saddest sentences I've ever heard.

• 49:27Sam Morril?

  I need a woman like that.

• 49:28Speaker 05

  Just cheering for him. There's nothing sadder than like being a regular cheerleader and adult cheerleader is dark enough. But cheering for a man playing beer pong, just take your own life. It's over. But I went out with this one guy from American Trash and um, did one of the dumbest things I've ever done on a date. I uh, this is, and now I'm like already regretting launching into this story. Um, I, we were out on a date and I, I excused myself and um, went to the bathroom and then changed on the date into what I thought was a sexier outfit. Isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard? What do you, where are you wearing? Where'd this go from? Well, here's what I did. Okay, so I, I always have some sort of foul sack with me that Sam always mocks. Foul sack. I feel like my bags are so disgusting to men.

• 50:10Sam Morril?

  Her bags are huge.

• 50:11Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 50:11Sam Morril?

  If she was, if she was at a show, Artie Fuqua was going through that bag.

• 50:16Speaker 04

  She's like a medieval peddler coming to the village with her wares.

• 50:19Speaker 05

  My bags are a turn off to men. They really make a guy flash. Nothing like a big fucking sack walking around with some kind of fucking.

• 50:25Sam Morril?

  It's just, it's a lot, for sure.

• 50:26Speaker 05

  Yeah. It's a, it's a, yeah, it's kind of the foreshadowing of more.

• 50:30Speaker 04

  She could take it camping. But let me tell you, that guy did not notice you changed your outfit.

• 50:35Speaker 05

  Oh, no, no, he did. He actually confronted me on it.

• 50:39Speaker 05

  He was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. So I think I, sometimes I can't decide what to wear and then I, this is already insane enough, like, and I put like a second top in my bag, like I'm gonna have some second lap of the evening, like I'm hosting the Oscars or something. And I just went out with some guy to the saddest bar and I had like a red dress that I wanted to wear that night, but I was like, I'll save it for later. Like I was gonna have some second lap of whoring, which I guess I did.

• 51:03Sam Morril?

  Was this ad American trash?

• 51:04Speaker 05

  Yeah. And then I went to the bathroom.

• 51:06Sam Morril?

  They're like, we've never had a wardrobe change at this bar. This is crazy.

• 51:09Speaker 05

  I know, it's already a dotted bar. I, what I did was, it was, this is so dark, it's one of, definitely one of the more insane moments of my life. I pretended to spill on myself. Now, I was wildly trash at this point. Because I wa, I thought I would really seal the deal if you could only see me in a red dress, then I would like, I would lock him in. So then I went to the bathroom, I was like, oops and daisy. And then I went to the bathroom and changed into the red dress and came back. I was like, thank God I've got this with me. And it still alarms me that he knew what I was up to.

• 51:37Sam Morril?

  He called you on it?

• 51:38Speaker 05

  Yeah. He was like, you had that in your bag and planned all of this.

• 51:44Speaker 05

  Also, like, how insane was he that I, that he knew what a, what a throbbing lunatic I was? Like, that's crazy that he could even guess it.

• 51:52Sam Morril?

  No, but I, but normally I think a guy would just be like, huh. But the fact that he goes like, I know what you did, like, that's kind of fucking awesome that he said that.

• 51:59Speaker 05

  It was so embarrassing. Like, he was just like, yeah, I know what you're.

• 52:02Speaker 04

  We usually overlook everything.

• 52:05Speaker 05

  I mean, if a woman did that, if you guys were on a date, wouldn't that be such a red flag? Like, you'd be like, she's fucking insane.

• 52:12Sam Morril?

  I don't know, I don't think I'd give a shit.

• 52:13Mark Normand?

  I'd be like, yeah, she likes me enough to do that.

• 52:14Sam Morril?

  Yeah, same. I think I'd be alright with it.

• 52:15Speaker 04

  It might be a red flag, but I would overlook it, no matter what.

• 52:18Mark Normand?

  Same.

• 52:19Speaker 04

  I'm not gonna jeopardize getting laid by criticizing her in any way.

• 52:22Mark Normand?

  Exactly.

• 52:22Speaker 05

  Oh, okay, this is terrific.

• 52:23Mark Normand?

  So, did you bang him?

• 52:24Speaker 05

  Um, no, we just, I just like cock teased him. We just hooked up.

• 52:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's a flag.

• 52:29Speaker 05

  I know, that is the flag. No, I would tell the guys ahead of time. I'd be like, listen, because I never really had sex like casually, so I'd be like, if I come over, you know, we can cuddle, but we can't hook up. I have a joke about it now, but I talk about how like, I'm like, I'd still tell them not to do it. I'd be like, if I was your sexual attorney, I'd recommend you don't take this deal. It's not a good deal for you.

• 52:48Speaker 04

  If some girl did that on the first day with me and she like changed her clothes, I'd just make a quick mental note, be like, alright, she's bipolar.

• 52:52Sam Morril?

  And then I would date her for two and a half years. It's not a big deal. It's fine.

• 52:57Speaker 04

  Don't introduce her to family.

• 53:00Speaker 05

  It is the signi-, it should have signified that I was better in bed than I was, because I feel like somebody that crazy, right, usually they're good.

• 53:06Sam Morril?

  It is a bummer when a crazy chick's not good in bed, because you're like, what's the point?

• 53:11Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that happens.

• 53:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah, so you're just crazy and you lay there? That's horrible.

• 53:17Mark Normand?

  I know, I'm married to her.

• 53:21Sam Morril?

  No, she's great.

• 53:22Speaker 05

  I love your wife.

• 53:24Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she listens to the pod. No, but for real, she's, thanks for taking care of the baby while I'm here.

• 53:29Speaker 05

  Fucking cheersing a house seltzer too.

• 53:31Mark Normand?

  She's drowning that thing in a tub right now.

• 53:36Mark Normand?

  Just to spite me.

• 53:38Speaker 05

  What was, before you disappointed your wife?

• 53:40Sam Morril?

  Norman in Shutter Island.

• 53:45Mark Normand?

  Sorry, what'd you say, Rach?

• 53:46Speaker 05

  I was just gonna say, before you disappointed your wife on all frontiers.

• 53:52Speaker 05

  Before you profoundly devastated your wife in every way.

• 53:56Mark Normand?

  In every way.

• 53:58Speaker 05

  Um, what was the craziest girl you guys have ever banged?

• 54:01Mark Normand?

  Ooh, good question.

• 54:04Sam Morril?

  Sorry, I don't know why. I can't stop laughing thinking of Norman in a comedic version of Shutter Island.

• 54:11Sam Morril?

  His wife's drowning the baby, he's like, "Ah, you fucking cunt, ah." Ah, what the hell?

• 54:15Speaker 04

  He thinks he's been podcasting all these years, he's just been in a room by himself.

• 54:19Sam Morril?

  I'm like, "That was a great one, Mark."

• 54:23Speaker 04

  Ah, my friend Sam's gonna be here any minute.

• 54:26Sam Morril?

  Mark's like, "I'll be at the Chicago Theater this weekend." I'm like, "Sure you will, buddy."

• 54:30Speaker 04

  Mark, Mark, there's no such place as Magoobies.

• 54:35Mark Normand?

  The ruse was coming, I swear.

• 54:40Sam Morril?

  Craziest girl ever, yeah, what do you got?

• 54:42Speaker 04

  Craziest girl, like, a crazy girl, like, that I was hooking up with briefly, like, with the benefits of the mental illness, uh, I just did not, I straight up did not feel safe in her home. She, like, she, like, sat me on the couch and then, like, went in her room for, like, two hours. And didn't, I was like, "Is this, like, a test to see if I barge in or something?"

• 54:59Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 55:01Speaker 04

  And then she's like, "Okay, you can come in now." I don't know what happened there. And other similar thing, I think, um...

• 55:06Mark Normand?

  You can come in now, so you...

• 55:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was like, meeting with Lord Michaels or something.

• 55:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah, right.

• 55:11Speaker 05

  Two hours is a wild stretch of time.

• 55:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:13Speaker 05

  Was she, did she look different? Was she, like, shaving and prepping her whole body?

• 55:17Sam Morril?

  She was in a different outfit, which we found weird, but, uh...

• 55:20Mark Normand?

  It was just like, Lord Michaels, you're just waiting there with Cam Patterson?

• 55:24Speaker 04

  We don't see a role for you in this sexual relationship.

• 55:29Speaker 04

  There was a window open.

• 55:31Speaker 05

  Did a few rogue prostitutes with Doug Davidoff?

• 55:34Sam Morril?

  Ben Marshall comes out of the room, he's like, "It didn't go well."

• 55:38Speaker 05

  No, so after Sharpe left, what happened?

• 55:41Speaker 04

  Normal stuff, normal stuff. It was, it turned out, it turned out all right, but I was like, oh, I'm never...

• 55:45Speaker 05

  What do you think she was doing? Did she look any different?

• 55:47Speaker 04

  No, I don't think she looked any di- but if I had the confidence of your date, I would have asked questions. But I was just like, "Nope."

• 55:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 55:52Speaker 04

  Gotta see this through. Can't risk not getting laid.

• 55:55Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Trying to think about a crazy...

• 55:57Sam Morril?

  There's a lot, I've had a lot. You've probably heard a lot of them stories. I don't know which one's the craziest. You could probably tell me better, but, uh, I don't know.

• 56:04Speaker 05

  I, uh, I mean, I, I know that, I know that Sam went to that...

• 56:09Sam Morril?

  Oh, yeah.

• 56:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, there was that girl.

• 56:11Sam Morril?

  Yeah, that was a cra- I've done that bit in a special, but that, the one about the girl who invited me to her place and then I went there.

• 56:17Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 56:18Sam Morril?

  That one was crazy.

• 56:18Mark Normand?

  The Asian.

• 56:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 56:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 56:21Sam Morril?

  How about your ex who heckled you at MSG? But that was like, yeah, that was very, that was long removed. That was pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, my ex got thrown out of the MSG Theater. That was fucking wild. Hey, speaking of crazy. Holy shit, he's dressed up too. Wow, looking sharp. Scott's got some great, come in here, cause Scott's, I bet Scott's got some crazy. Oh, yeah. This guy's getting engaged every other fucking week. That's true.

• 56:43Speaker 04

  Take my seat, I gotta run, I gotta go.

• 56:45Sam Morril?

  Oh, really, already?

• 56:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, quick, quick in and out, I'm so sorry.

• 56:48Speaker 05

  Fuck JP.

• 56:49Sam Morril?

  Gotta come back soon. Good to have you, man. Great to see you, dude. Funny stuff. Watch the Grammys, uh, the Emmys, rather. Emmys. Watch the Grammys too.

• 56:56Speaker 05

  How about the Golden Globes? He wrote for the Golden Globes too.

• 56:58Sam Morril?

  Quick pick, quick pick, quick pick of all of them. Great to see you. What's up Scotty? How are you? Hey.

• 57:06Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 57:09Sam Morril?

  Alright. JP, you're the best. Thank you, man. Hey JP.

• 57:12Mark Normand?

  Thank you, thank you.

• 57:14Sam Morril?

  Scott, sub in. Love the outfit. What are we doing here? Looking good. Holy shit. Happy holidays. What, what, Scott, we're talking about our good buddy, the former host of HQ Trivia and the new host of, uh, say, what's it called?

• 57:28Speaker 07

  Savvy.

• 57:28Sam Morril?

  Savvy.

• 57:29Speaker 07

  Savvy's the app, tech savvy's the game.

• 57:32Sam Morril?

  Oh. We're talking craziest girl you've ever been with.

• 57:34Speaker 07

  Oh, lord. We're going right into it.

• 57:36Sam Morril?

  Let's do it. You've got a, you've got a roster. Scott does the thing where he, like, every, every month will, like, have lunch or something and he'll be like, "She's the one, dude." And then, like, literally two weeks later, he'll be like, "We called off the engagement."

• 57:48Speaker 07

  Uh huh.

• 57:48Sam Morril?

  A lot.

• 57:49Speaker 07

  I've been engaged 14 times, yeah.

• 57:51Sam Morril?

  Whoa, wait, really?

• 57:52Speaker 07

  No, no.

• 57:53Sam Morril?

  Oh. But recently.

• 57:54Speaker 07

  Once, this year.

• 57:55Sam Morril?

  But I feel like often you're close. You're like, close to thinking about it.

• 57:57Speaker 07

  January 1st, 2025, single man.

• 58:00Sam Morril?

  Yep.

• 58:01Speaker 05

  Got it.

• 58:01Speaker 07

  January 1st, 2026, single man. In between, engaged.

• 58:07Speaker 05

  But what sort of lithium maiden got you?

• 58:11Sam Morril?

  Just like our audience.

• 58:12Speaker 07

  I, yeah.

• 58:14Speaker 07

  The minute I walk in. No, no. No. What happened with it? I, listen, I don't want to, uh... Well, then tell a crazy...

• 58:19Speaker 05

  Okay, go back in time, roll it back.

• 58:21Speaker 07

  But actually, this rolls into a topic I want to bring up. And, and I'll tell you the quick story here, though. I made a video. We broke up. August. So, we meet February 15th. I propose May 15th. We break up August 15th. You proposed in three months? Yeah. Three months, proposal, and three months later, we're broken up.

• 58:36Mark Normand?

  What happened in those months that made you say, "I gotta get the fuck out of here"?

• 58:39Speaker 07

  Again, with that, I want to be sensitive to this.

• 58:41Mark Normand?

  Oh, boy.

• 58:42Speaker 07

  But, but it was just, I couldn't handle it. I'm gonna admit that I could not handle...

• 58:46Mark Normand?

  Being married.

• 58:46Speaker 07

  Her. No, no, I, I couldn't, I couldn't. We, we were, we just triggered each other. Every single thing we said became like the end of the world.

• 58:53Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 58:54Speaker 07

  And it was, I've never met someone who was so intimately entwined like that, where...

• 58:57Speaker 05

  But them titties, though.

• 58:59Speaker 07

  Them titties, though. That's the, Rachel, but that's the thing. That's the thing, Rachel. You said it.

• 59:03Speaker 05

  I can tell when a guy's...

• 59:04Speaker 07

  It's like, the sex was so good.

• 59:07Speaker 05

  She knows, too.

• 59:08Speaker 07

  When you find the good sex, it's like you, you do tend to look past a lot of things.

• 59:12Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 59:12Speaker 07

  But then you realize, this is a lifetime. And, uh, if you can't make three months, you know...

• 59:18Speaker 05

  Don't try to make yourself into some fucking noble knight, like, like you guys are sitting there nodding, like, "Well, you know, I tried to look past what initially made me propose, which was a fat pair of tits in the first place."

• 59:28Speaker 07

  That obviously wasn't the whole thing.

• 59:30Speaker 05

  At the end of the day, it's character that matters.

• 59:32Speaker 07

  It wasn't the whole thing. Oh, she's a brilliant writer, she's...

• 59:34Speaker 05

  All right, knock it off.

• 59:36Speaker 07

  Yes, but, but the thing is, so I made this, so we broke up August 15th. I make a video that comes up in September, okay? Couple of months after.

• 59:43Speaker 05

  Uh-huh.

• 59:44Speaker 07

  Put it on Instagram. Fucking her from behind.

• 59:47Speaker 07

  It's, it's a little sketch where I'm on the street asking people trivia questions. It's a sketch idea I've had since 2016, mind you.

• 59:52Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 59:53Speaker 07

  The premise is, it's a trivia show, it starts off with like, "Hey, do you know New York City? Who was the mayor during 9/11?", you know?

• 59:59Mark Normand?

  Giuliani.

• 1:00:00Speaker 07

  Giuliani, there you go. And then, "Who's the mayor today?", blah, blah, stuff like that.

• 1:00:03Mark Normand?

  Eric Adams.

• 1:00:03Speaker 07

  There you go. And then I go, "What do you, what do you think it means when my ex-girlfriend's, uh, text, and it doesn't say 'delivered' underneath? What do you think that means? It doesn't say..." It just, and then, you know, it goes right, it's very personal stuff, right?

• 1:00:14Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:00:14Speaker 07

  So I did that, I did... How many days after, uh, we broke up did my fiancee return to the dating app we met on? You know, asking questions like that. And then I, then I read part of a text that she sent me, the last text she sent me, which was like, pretty vicious. I read like, I read... How vicious?

• 1:00:27Mark Normand?

  Pull it up.

• 1:00:28Speaker 07

  Well, I'll say it, I'll say, I'll say it. It was like, you know, "You are someone who doesn't deserve a family, you don't, you're not ready for it, you can't do it." It's something, something like that. Even a broken clock should write twice a day, man, come on. But I read this to these people, I said, what do you think she means by that? You know, I was doing that type of show.

• 1:00:42Sam Morril?

  That's great.

• 1:00:43Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:00:44Speaker 07

  So, so the video comes out, gets 2,000 views, she sees it.

• 1:00:46Sam Morril?

  2,000?

• 1:00:47Speaker 07

  Nothing.

• 1:00:48Sam Morril?

  She's 1,500 of those views.

• 1:00:50Speaker 07

  She's, absolutely, dude. It was a nuclear meltdown. It was a nuclear meltdown because she took it so personally. Meanwhile, I didn't have the heart to tell. I couldn't even have a conversation.

• 1:00:59Speaker 05

  But were you guys already broken up?

• 1:01:00Speaker 07

  Yeah, already broken up.

• 1:01:01Speaker 05

  Doesn't that mean you're off shift? Like, you don't have to go online for that?

• 1:01:04Speaker 07

  It speaks to a different thing, like, talking about people in your life. How do you do it without causing issues?

• 1:01:10Sam Morril?

  Oh, it's happening. There's issues.

• 1:01:12Speaker 07

  There's issues.

• 1:01:13Speaker 05

  There's gonna be issues.

• 1:01:13Sam Morril?

  I like to wait a special or two after the breakup, like, I'll shelf that for a little while. Smart. But I don't always.

• 1:01:19Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:01:19Sam Morril?

  I like to just hope my wife doesn't see the show.

• 1:01:23Speaker 07

  But, I mean, she saw this thing and went off, and she took it so personally, like, this actually was not about you, really, it's a premise. Also, I'm a comedian.

• 1:01:30Speaker 05

  Here's what we have to do. I dated somebody that, um, his, he's like, an emotional desert. And that same, and that same climate that created the man that says these things that consistently devastate me, but make for some fun-loving comedy, is the same climate that makes him not give a fuck when I talk about him. Like, so he doesn't care.

• 1:01:48Sam Morril?

  Oh, smart.

• 1:01:49Speaker 05

  You have to date somebody so emotionally devastating.

• 1:01:52Speaker 07

  Wow.

• 1:01:52Speaker 05

  That they don't care anyway.

• 1:01:54Sam Morril?

  My parents are like that.

• 1:01:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:56Sam Morril?

  They really are. They like, they give you nothing. She said you aren't ready for a family. Were you wearing this jacket?

• 1:02:01Speaker 07

  Yeah, actually. I was wearing it.

• 1:02:04Sam Morril?

  You were in an eyeball jacket.

• 1:02:06Speaker 07

  This is, this is not, I got a lot of compliments on this thing.

• 1:02:08Sam Morril?

  I love it. No, I think it's fun.

• 1:02:10Speaker 07

  I think it's the gap between the pant and the sock that might not be so hot.

• 1:02:12Sam Morril?

  I got that too, yeah.

• 1:02:14Speaker 07

  How do you fix that gap?

• 1:02:15Speaker 05

  No, that is a fucking puss-guzzling suit if I've ever seen it. Don't let the haters hate.

• 1:02:20Speaker 07

  I'm a walking billboard.

• 1:02:21Sam Morril?

  Are you not on good terms with her right now?

• 1:02:22Speaker 07

  Well, two months after that, she emailed me apologizing, saying she could have been less reactive.

• 1:02:27Sam Morril?

  So she's crazy.

• 1:02:29Speaker 07

  Mark, I'm not gonna say it.

• 1:02:30Sam Morril?

  No, but I actually, I actually kinda like when someone's so vicious, that then they feel bad for being vicious, because you're like, alright, now I'm kind of off the hook.

• 1:02:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:02:36Sam Morril?

  Can we see the text?

• 1:02:38Speaker 07

  You can see the video if you want on Instagram.

• 1:02:40Sam Morril?

  She sent a video?

• 1:02:41Speaker 07

  It's, it's on my Instagram page.

• 1:02:44Sam Morril?

  Let's make this 2001.

• 1:02:45Speaker 07

  I just said, I just said the whole video, though, so I don't know how interesting it's gonna be now. Scott Riegasky Instagram. But, yeah, I mean, it's, it's a tricky thing, because obviously, comedy, we're artists. We use our life to make, no, you don't.

• 1:02:55Speaker 05

  That's what Sam says when he's trying to get a blowjob. Come on, I'm an artist.

• 1:02:59Sam Morril?

  It's art.

• 1:02:59Speaker 07

  Blow an artist?

• 1:03:00Sam Morril?

  It's art.

• 1:03:00Speaker 07

  It's all immersive.

• 1:03:01Sam Morril?

  We all suffer for our art. My dick's a paintbrush and your throat's a canvas.

• 1:03:07Speaker 07

  You offended Matty on that one.

• 1:03:08Mark Normand?

  Oh, sorry, Matty.

• 1:03:10Speaker 05

  Sam's like, I'm-

• 1:03:10Speaker 07

  No, no, no. Hi, Matty.

• 1:03:12Speaker 05

  Sam's like, I'm Sammy O'Keefe, huh?

• 1:03:14Speaker 07

  There's too many videos.

• 1:03:16Speaker 05

  So stupid.

• 1:03:17Speaker 07

  What are we drinking here, Mark? Yeah, do you wanna, can we get Matt, uh, Scott a paper plane here?

• 1:03:21Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:03:21Speaker 07

  A paper plane, you know, I was, I was saying, I've been sober 12 years, but I figure today, we're jumping off the wagon, boys. I'm excited. Let's do it. Come on, for you, for you.

• 1:03:29Mark Normand?

  I don't wanna do that to you.

• 1:03:30Speaker 07

  Come on.

• 1:03:31Speaker 05

  He saw it.

• 1:03:31Speaker 07

  He wants to. No, I'm, it's a, that's a, that's a joke. That's a joke, but- He was drunk in my thing the other night.

• 1:03:37Mark Normand?

  I can't believe I took you seriously, not up there.

• 1:03:39Speaker 07

  That's the thing, Mark. People take me serious. It's one of those No York Cities. I think it might be that one, yeah.

• 1:03:44Mark Normand?

  No York City. I like it.

• 1:03:45Speaker 05

  Woo, you're in the same fucking post-cussing suit.

• 1:03:48Speaker 07

  I will have-

• 1:03:48Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:03:49Speaker 07

  I will imbibe, I'll have a- Sort of. No York City. So are you a real New Yorker?

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Speaker 07

  Like a real New Yorker?

• 1:03:55Speaker 04

  Real, real New Yorker.

• 1:03:56Speaker 07

  Do you think you know New York?

• 1:03:58Speaker 04

  Barely much. I grew up here 50 years ago on 3rd Avenue and 17th Street.

• 1:04:02Speaker 07

  I got some questions for you. The Pulaski Bridge next to the- I don't think this is the one.

• 1:04:05Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:04:06Mark Normand?

  This is not the answer.

• 1:04:07Speaker 07

  I think, I think it's the second, that one. Try that one.

• 1:04:09Mark Normand?

  Boy, you've got really slimmed down. What's the secret?

• 1:04:12Speaker 07

  Oh my god, I'm just not eating.

• 1:04:14Mark Normand?

  Oh, geez.

• 1:04:14Speaker 07

  He's just really depressed after this fell apart.

• 1:04:17Mark Normand?

  Not the Ozam.

• 1:04:18Speaker 07

  No, I'm not doing that.

• 1:04:21Speaker 07

  Who's the current mayor of New York City?

• 1:04:22Speaker 04

  Oh, Eric Adams.

• 1:04:24Speaker 07

  Who was the mayor before him?

• 1:04:25Speaker 04

  Oh, he was that tall guy with the-

• 1:04:27Mark Normand?

  de Blasio.

• 1:04:28Speaker 07

  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

• 1:04:29Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:04:30Speaker 07

  When was 9/11? September 11th. What year? How soon after we broke up did my ex-fiance rejoin the dating app we met on? One month.

• 1:04:40Mark Normand?

  Is this it?

• 1:04:41Speaker 07

  A couple of months.

• 1:04:42Speaker 04

  Immediately, about two seconds after.

• 1:04:44Speaker 07

  We were engaged. She's my fiance.

• 1:04:46Speaker 04

  I know, it was just a quick two seconds.

• 1:04:49Speaker 07

  The last text me, she wrote, "You're not capable of partnership, not ready to build a home, a family, or a life with anyone." What is she talking about? She's not ready. She's not ready, right? She's not ready, yeah.

• 1:05:00Speaker 05

  I want the guy in the white theater here, she was projecting.

• 1:05:02Speaker 07

  Pause it, pause. So, so she said you're not ready, she wants a family, and she- Uh, yeah, I wanted a family. I'm ready, baby. I'm ready to go. It might be too late already.

• 1:05:10Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:10Speaker 07

  I'm 41 now, but- Nah, if he did it. You did it late.

• 1:05:13Speaker 05

  Nothing's too late. You could skid into the bottom of the ninth in that suit.

• 1:05:16Speaker 07

  You think I wanna have Mark Norman's life, though?

• 1:05:20Speaker 07

  I, I think you could have a family. I think you could do it. I, I absolutely think I'm ready. I told her I was ready. I'm ready, dude.

• 1:05:25Speaker 05

  Don't listen to Sam. I just wanna say I'm-

• 1:05:27Speaker 07

  I'm fucking ready, right? We should have a fucking kid together. Yeah, let's do it. There's a sitcom.

• 1:05:31Mark Normand?

  There's a sitcom.

• 1:05:32Speaker 05

  That is a fun-loving sitcom if I've ever seen one.

• 1:05:34Mark Normand?

  Two Jews, one pup.

• 1:05:37Speaker 07

  I'm ready for it, man. We go to a pizza place too.

• 1:05:39Speaker 05

  I think you guys, I can see the poster. Him and that suit, back to back with Sam with like a fun-loving, you do the math expression.

• 1:05:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah, maybe I don't get a bad one.

• 1:05:47Speaker 05

  Juggling a menorah and a baby wackily.

• 1:05:49Sam Morril?

  What's the movie I'm thinking of? Tom Selleck? Three Boy, A Man and a Baby. Yeah, there we go. We need a third.

• 1:05:54Speaker 07

  We need a third.

• 1:05:56Sam Morril?

  Ronan? A tell. A tell. Three ages, yeah, that's good.

• 1:06:01Speaker 07

  Now it's like Chico and the man.

• 1:06:04Sam Morril?

  Damn, so you want a baby?

• 1:06:06Speaker 07

  I do, I do. I wish you could go out and get one.

• 1:06:10Sam Morril?

  I think I could be a single dad too. I'm ready. I'm fucking, I'll do it. It's a lot of work, lot of work. Yeah, I need a woman.

• 1:06:14Speaker 05

  Can I say, you cut it out if it's not okay, but when we were all out to dinner.

• 1:06:19Sam Morril?

  This is funny.

• 1:06:20Speaker 05

  Sam was like, at the bar, Sam goes, you know what I think I'm gonna do with like the solemn, kind of mature Sam, like he's really settling in on a decision? He goes, you think what I'll do? I think I'll just impregnate some insane woman and then I'll, basically, I won't be with her because she's crazy, but at least I'll get a baby and then Mark somehow.

• 1:06:39Speaker 07

  You get custody.

• 1:06:40Sam Morril?

  And I'll get custody and I'll date a cool woman.

• 1:06:41Speaker 05

  And then by the way.

• 1:06:43Sam Morril?

  And then just because I'm, you know, I don't want to be too old a dad. And then Mark was like, Mark was.

• 1:06:46Speaker 05

  And then some inverted universe, Mark was the voice of reason and Mark was like, ah, no, I don't think you can just impregnate a crazy chick because then she'll be the baby's mom.

• 1:06:55Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah, Mark said, he goes, no, you don't want the baby's mom to be crazy. I was like, huh. Yes, yes, they'll drown him in a tub.

• 1:07:03Sam Morril?

  This is like the third, this is like the third baby drowned reference we've had this episode. Yeah, put on some Whitney Houston. Put on some Andrea Yeats, she's got an album. Deep cut.

• 1:07:15Speaker 07

  Andrew, you remember the names of these people?

• 1:07:16Sam Morril?

  I'm a sick fuck.

• 1:07:17Speaker 07

  You are a sick fuck.

• 1:07:18Sam Morril?

  I just read, I read, I read the dark stories a lot because I'm trying to come up with bits.

• 1:07:22Speaker 07

  See, he wants a baby for the bits.

• 1:07:24Speaker 05

  Sam, are you attracted, who was that, that hot female murderer?

• 1:07:27Sam Morril?

  Jodi Arias, very attractive woman.

• 1:07:29Speaker 05

  You already, I didn't finish the sentence.

• 1:07:30Sam Morril?

  That Jodi Arias was one fine piece of ass.

• 1:07:32Speaker 05

  Sam wants to knock up Jodi.

• 1:07:34Speaker 07

  Was it Carly the baby?

• 1:07:35Sam Morril?

  No. I used to have, I used to have a joke about Jodi Arias. She, she stabbed her boyfriend 30 times, slit his throat and then shot him in the head because he tried to break up with her and women were always like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face? And I'm like, that's why.

• 1:07:47Mark Normand?

  She's kind of got a Boebert thing going on.

• 1:07:50Sam Morril?

  She's hotter.

• 1:07:51Speaker 05

  She doesn't do it for you.

• 1:07:52Sam Morril?

  But you know what the problem is? She is dead behind the eyes. You can see it.

• 1:07:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:07:55Sam Morril?

  You can always see it.

• 1:07:56Speaker 05

  No, you can see it, but that, yeah.

• 1:07:57Mark Normand?

  I don't find it attractive.

• 1:07:58Speaker 05

  But that's why you should break up with a girl on Zoom and then jizz to Jodi Arias instead. That's Sam's moral of the story.

• 1:08:04Mark Normand?

  There was another one who was hotter. She killed a kid in Italy or her husband in Italy.

• 1:08:07Speaker 05

  Oh, God!

• 1:08:08Mark Normand?

  What was her name?

• 1:08:09Speaker 05

  I know who you're talking about, but it's...

• 1:08:10Sam Morril?

  This is a good holiday, huh?

• 1:08:11Mark Normand?

  Casey Anthony.

• 1:08:12Sam Morril?

  Casey Anthony?

• 1:08:13Speaker 05

  No, Casey Anthony did not kill the kid.

• 1:08:15Sam Morril?

  Florida.

• 1:08:15Mark Normand?

  Florida.

• 1:08:16Speaker 05

  Casey Anthony was Florida.

• 1:08:16Mark Normand?

  She was hot.

• 1:08:17Speaker 05

  And then she went out for like a titty contest that very evening.

• 1:08:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she was. That's what I'm saying. She sucked off her lawyer.

• 1:08:21Mark Normand?

  Casey Anthony. Oh, I love her.

• 1:08:24Speaker 07

  A little Alanis Morissette going on there.

• 1:08:26Speaker 05

  She went out for like a wet t-shirt contest in Tampa right afterwards.

• 1:08:30Sam Morril?

  Pull it up. Pull up the story. Some guy in Tennessee destroyed his marriage by dating Casey Anthony.

• 1:08:36Speaker 05

  That's right. Let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.

• 1:08:39Mark Normand?

  Wait, who's the one in Italy?

• 1:08:40Speaker 07

  That's Casey without the sunshine band.

• 1:08:43Mark Normand?

  There was one in Italy that was hotter.

• 1:08:44Speaker 05

  Wait, am I right about Casey Anthony going in a wet t-shirt contest? This makes me feel like such a tremendous mother. Just these stories are wonderful.

• 1:08:51Speaker 07

  I tell you what, two words you never want to see before your name in an article: convicted killer.

• 1:08:55Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:08:56Sam Morril?

  No, it's not good.

• 1:08:57Speaker 07

  Not good. Tot mom, neither. You don't want to see that.

• 1:09:00Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:09:00Speaker 05

  Tot mom is never good.

• 1:09:02Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look at her. That's with the guy, and she called it off with... Imagine Casey Anthony breaking up with you.

• 1:09:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:08Sam Morril?

  She's like, "This isn't working. I need stability."

• 1:09:10Mark Normand?

  She got off easy, though. What did she do? Kill the kid?

• 1:09:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, she killed the kid.

• 1:09:14Speaker 07

  Yeah, her own, right?

• 1:09:15Sam Morril?

  She's in great shape. Look at those...

• 1:09:16Mark Normand?

  That's it.

• 1:09:16Sam Morril?

  Look at those legs. Jesus, someone's doing squats.

• 1:09:18Mark Normand?

  I don't know. A little doughy. But, hold on, what's the Italy whore?

• 1:09:24Speaker 05

  Oh, my God, she's not a whore.

• 1:09:25Speaker 07

  Amanda Knox?

• 1:09:26Mark Normand?

  That's it, Noxy!

• 1:09:28Speaker 05

  Amanda Knox was, I believe she was cleared of that.

• 1:09:29Speaker 07

  See, when you say whore, that's when I got it. That's when I got it.

• 1:09:31Mark Normand?

  You got it. Amanda Knox is the hottest.

• 1:09:34Speaker 05

  She is quite beautiful.

• 1:09:35Speaker 07

  Amanda Knox.

• 1:09:36Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:09:36Sam Morril?

  Nice eyes.

• 1:09:37Speaker 05

  Look at that, Sam. Nice Hitler Youth kind of look, Sam, for today.

• 1:09:39Sam Morril?

  I do love a Hitler Youth look.

• 1:09:40Mark Normand?

  You do love a Hitler Youth look.

• 1:09:41Sam Morril?

  I like a woman that...

• 1:09:42Speaker 05

  Sam doesn't tolerate a whisper of Judaism in his life.

• 1:09:45Mark Normand?

  No.

• 1:09:46Sam Morril?

  I really am attracted if I see a woman, I'm like, "She wouldn't have hit me during the Holocaust." I find that very attractive. I'm like, "She would have turned me the fuck in."

• 1:09:53Mark Normand?

  Yes, a Milano.

• 1:09:55Speaker 05

  I remember you dated, Sam went on a date with this alarmingly hot German woman, who he brought me over to introduce me. Like, I'm like, "Don't use me as part of your pre-oiling process with a woman."

• 1:10:05Sam Morril?

  I'm like, "Look how trustworthy I am. A female friend."

• 1:10:07Mark Normand?

  Yes, pre-oiling.

• 1:10:10Speaker 07

  She was, she was really hot.

• 1:10:11Speaker 05

  No, she was insanely hot, but I'm like, what am I, what do I have anything to do? I don't want to be insider, Sam, take it from here. And then he's like, no, she actually told me that her family helps the people, like, and they hid the Jews in the hall. Cause I'm like, this is what they all say. They all say they hid the Jews in the hall.

• 1:10:25Mark Normand?

  That's like saying I have a black friend, you know?

• 1:10:27Speaker 07

  They were all there when Dylan went electric, when Dylan converted to Judaism, you know?

• 1:10:31Mark Normand?

  Are you Jewish?

• 1:10:32Speaker 07

  I am.

• 1:10:32Mark Normand?

  I'm joking. Go on. I can't even see Matty with that nose. I'm looking. It's in the way.

• 1:10:38Speaker 07

  Hey, one breath, I'm good all day.

• 1:10:42Speaker 07

  That's it. I can smoke a cigar in the shower.

• 1:10:46Speaker 07

  But here's, I, these are, these are, these are far.

• 1:10:48Mark Normand?

  I'll tell you, he's not right, this guy.

• 1:10:50Speaker 07

  I did, listen, this is such a-

• 1:10:51Mark Normand?

  Did you see your dick over that thing?

• 1:10:52Speaker 07

  Oh, that, that is not seen regardless. And we could, and you, and you brought this up. By the way, I want to say this here.

• 1:10:58Mark Normand?

  Get it out, get it out.

• 1:10:59Speaker 07

  Happy holidays.

• 1:11:00Speaker 05

  Why is he bringing up your dick?

• 1:11:01Speaker 07

  I don't know. Happy holidays. I think my introduction should have been, had I had one, please welcome- I said that before we hosted HQ. Please welcome the most talked about guest, getting his first chance to talk, Scott Rogowski. That's a good intro because I, how many show, years have you been in here? How many years, years now? Six years, the show?

• 1:11:20Mark Normand?

  Six, six, five and a half, six.

• 1:11:21Speaker 07

  Mark hates confrontation, so. Six years. This is our Mencia Marin moment.

• 1:11:26Mark Normand?

  Marin or Rogan?

• 1:11:27Speaker 07

  Rogan, whatever the hell. Gallagher, Gallagher, Marin.

• 1:11:29Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:11:30Speaker 07

  This is it.

• 1:11:31Mark Normand?

  I'm ready.

• 1:11:31Speaker 05

  Break it down because I'm unaware of this.

• 1:11:33Mark Normand?

  She doesn't know.

• 1:11:33Speaker 07

  No. It's a little bit, this is all a bit.

• 1:11:35Mark Normand?

  Double C.

• 1:11:38Speaker 07

  I probably been mentioned about six- He really stumbled there.

• 1:11:43Mark Normand?

  I didn't know that.

• 1:11:44Speaker 07

  Are we talking about batteries? He's in the middle, he was in the middle and he was like, tits, okay, oh, fuck. I didn't bring batteries.

• 1:11:51Mark Normand?

  Is it double C? C plus?

• 1:11:52Speaker 07

  C plus. C plus plus.

• 1:11:54Speaker 05

  You guys are so dumb. Go ahead.

• 1:11:55Speaker 07

  What is happening? Well, you've been doing this show for six years. I've probably been mentioned six, seven times.

• 1:11:59Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:11:59Speaker 07

  And, and listen, it's wonderful when it happens. I got a lot of messaging, oh my God, you're on, you're on Mark and Sam's show. Oh, this is a big show, guys. I go, oh, that's cool, that's cool. Yeah, I'll, I'll be invited one of these days, I'm sure, one of these days, you know, for all the times I've invited them onto Running Late, 12 Angry Mascots, all the great times we had back at the pit open mic, Mark.

• 1:12:18Mark Normand?

  Yes, yes, the open mic.

• 1:12:20Speaker 05

  Keep touching Mark as much as possible.

• 1:12:23Speaker 07

  Honest to God, this is all a bit. I fucking love you guys. Thank you for having me. Wait, wait, wait.

• 1:12:26Speaker 05

  No, I wanna know what happened.

• 1:12:27Speaker 07

  No, there's no air to clear. I'm just fucking around. No, no, there's air. There's no air. Oh, there's no air. I'm literally joking. It's a bit. I tell jokes. I'm a comedian.

• 1:12:36Speaker 05

  No, tell us about the micropenis.

• 1:12:38Speaker 07

  The micropenis. So then he talks about micropenis. Oh, this was good. It's in your act. Yes, cuz I'm a comedian, Mark. You ever hear about exaggeration? Hyperbole? No, it's okay. I don't care. That's what I said on the episode. I was like, I think it's a joke. But it's okay. And Mark's like, hey, he's got a micropenis. And I was like, no, I think it's a bit. Oh, my bad. I thought you had one. No, I'm here to clear the air and to show you. No, no, no, no, no. Clearly, clearly it's not a macro penis. All right, all right. Okay? It's a penis. Yeah.

• 1:13:05Speaker 05

  Wait, was I on this episode? I remember this. Maybe it's cuz you guys shared the clip. Was I on that episode?

• 1:13:10Speaker 07

  I don't know.

• 1:13:11Speaker 05

  Possibly. Sally Hughes, you better find this out in one minute flat. I'm gonna fucking roll.

• 1:13:15Speaker 07

  I've had plenty of jokes about it. It is part of my act. It's a wonderful part of my act, frankly. I'm Scott Grogowski, not Showgowski. Ah. I think most men are. I think most men are. Most men are. But I had a great joke. You know, also, I haven't done stand-up in like 15 years. But I still remember it. I used to do.

• 1:13:30Speaker 05

  I remember this. For all the top moms that don't know what we're talking about at home. Mark said that, Mark mentioned that you had a micropenis referring to your act.

• 1:13:39Speaker 07

  Right.

• 1:13:40Speaker 05

  And Sam was like, I don't think you want to announce that he has a micropenis. I believe he meant that ironically. By the way, Sam deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for this. I remember that, yes.

• 1:13:49Speaker 07

  It was great. It was a great moment. But here's the thing. I've since, I've talked to women about micropenis. This is a real thing. Please. It's like a button. That's what we're talking about here. That's the micro.

• 1:13:59Speaker 05

  Who have you talked to about a micropenis?

• 1:14:01Speaker 07

  I extend to like four and a half, you know, so that's, it's, it's good enough. All right. It's good enough. That's a micro. That's a micro. That's fucking rough. That's me when I work out.

• 1:14:10Speaker 05

  What would you, I think I could have said he had a C-section.

• 1:14:12Speaker 07

  Oh, yeah. Why is that?

• 1:14:13Speaker 05

  What would you guys would prefer?

• 1:14:14Speaker 07

  I think it's your body. Your blood? Yeah, it's hiding it. You think you're in a fight. Yeah, I mean, listen, there's men who suffer from this.

• 1:14:20Mark Normand?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:14:21Speaker 07

  It's horrible.

• 1:14:22Mark Normand?

  Is it Ronnie Chang?

• 1:14:23Sam Morril?

  I mean, those tits are fucking rough.

• 1:14:24Mark Normand?

  Jeez.

• 1:14:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, those make Dorothea blush.

• 1:14:26Sam Morril?

  The tits might be worse.

• 1:14:27Mark Normand?

  Look at that little doorbell on the side there.

• 1:14:30Sam Morril?

  Oh, my God.

• 1:14:31Speaker 05

  Oh, my God.

• 1:14:32Speaker 07

  It's not nice to be...

• 1:14:34Mark Normand?

  Oh, I feel great.

• 1:14:35Speaker 07

  As someone adjacent to the community.

• 1:14:36Sam Morril?

  Ebenezer Scrooge's nose.

• 1:14:37Speaker 07

  Listen, I may not have a microbe, but I'm an ally to the community, okay?

• 1:14:40Speaker 05

  All right. That's so beautiful.

• 1:14:42Mark Normand?

  So you're saying you're under average?

• 1:14:43Speaker 07

  I would say under average. I believe that was one of my tweets. And I've... Again, these are jokes. They're funny.

• 1:14:47Speaker 05

  Hey, nothing wrong with a strong, almost medium.

• 1:14:49Speaker 07

  It's almost medium. It's fun size.

• 1:14:51Speaker 05

  That's great.

• 1:14:51Speaker 07

  As the greats have said. There's so many jokes about this, Mark. You love these jokes.

• 1:14:54Mark Normand?

  I love jokes. That's why I remembered it.

• 1:14:56Speaker 07

  Exactly.

• 1:14:56Speaker 05

  I've always said, and my grandmother used to tell me this, every Yom Kippur, she would say, "A fat cock can be a real problem."

• 1:15:04Speaker 07

  I've heard this. The girth master.

• 1:15:06Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 1:15:07Speaker 07

  He's got trouble.

• 1:15:07Speaker 05

  Because nobody really wants that. I mean, listen, I can't speak for the masses. I'm sure the comments will be flooded. But you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick. What are you gonna do with that? It's painful. Yeah, you wanna...

• 1:15:18Sam Morril?

  Yeah, well, it's good for the guys. Guys like it more, I think.

• 1:15:20Speaker 05

  Guys think that women are sitting around talking about that all day. Obviously, if a dick is sort of surprisingly large or small, it's gonna come up. But mostly, you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick like that. It's too hard to wrangle.

• 1:15:32Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:15:32Speaker 05

  Thank you. I wasn't gonna ask you, but you agree with me.

• 1:15:34Mark Normand?

  I was about that.

• 1:15:35Speaker 07

  See this? We had to have an honest conversation about this.

• 1:15:37Sam Morril?

  Scott might get laid out of this.

• 1:15:38Speaker 07

  This is crazy.

• 1:15:39Speaker 02

  One time I received a dick pic, and it was so big that I never spoke to him again.

• 1:15:43Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 1:15:43Sam Morril?

  Whoa. And I'm sorry I sent you that. That would've been terrible, man.

• 1:15:47Speaker 02

  But I was happy to receive it, because I was like, that's... There's no way that would've worked.

• 1:15:51Speaker 05

  Exactly.

• 1:15:51Mark Normand?

  Is that right?

• 1:15:52Speaker 02

  But good for you, man.

• 1:15:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 1:15:54Mark Normand?

  I just assumed you all wanted a fire hydrant.

• 1:15:56Speaker 05

  No, it's a problem.

• 1:15:58Mark Normand?

  Fire hydrant.

• 1:15:58Speaker 05

  Right, it's a hassle, right?

• 1:16:00Speaker 02

  It is a hassle.

• 1:16:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's painful.

• 1:16:02Speaker 07

  I once said the dick pic was a headshot of Dick Cabot. That's what I did.

• 1:16:05Speaker 05

  What did you say?

• 1:16:06Speaker 02

  There's only so much vagina, you know?

• 1:16:08Speaker 07

  Only so much vagina. I have that tattooed on my back. But there's something interesting about the...

• 1:16:13Speaker 05

  And Mark's combed through most of it.

• 1:16:15Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:16:16Sam Morril?

  You have combed through a lot of vagina, Mark.

• 1:16:18Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:16:19Speaker 05

  Before his married days, when he was just taking any three-star Uber driver home.

• 1:16:23Speaker 07

  Before and after. No, but how, how?

• 1:16:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, you remember that?

• 1:16:28Speaker 05

  I do. I remember we were, we were like in Arkansas or something and like, we had like a toothless driver and Mark was like, hey! He was coming on to her. I was like, wow!

• 1:16:37Mark Normand?

  That was goofing.

• 1:16:38Speaker 05

  Honestly, I thought, I, I kind of admired it. I mean, she was, and I mean this with all due respect, like she was ferociously old and pretty heinous. I mean, she was like-

• 1:16:49Mark Normand?

  I wouldn't say ferocious.

• 1:16:50Speaker 05

  She didn't have that many teeth and Mark was like, hey! He was like really working her.

• 1:16:54Mark Normand?

  I'd say she was five years younger than Rob Reiner. Somewhere like that.

• 1:16:59Speaker 07

  We're using Rob Reiner as the reference.

• 1:17:02Mark Normand?

  I know his age.

• 1:17:02Speaker 07

  Why would you use him of all people?

• 1:17:04Mark Normand?

  He's in the news.

• 1:17:05Speaker 07

  Oh, he is?

• 1:17:06Mark Normand?

  Yeah. Don't look it up.

• 1:17:08Speaker 07

  Well, Oscar nom.

• 1:17:09Speaker 05

  I do appreciate that not only would Mark, again, this is, cut any of this off, please.

• 1:17:12Mark Normand?

  I'm inclusive.

• 1:17:13Speaker 05

  But, uh, yeah, that you were inclusive. Because not only would you hook up with these ladies-

• 1:17:19Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:17:19Speaker 05

  But the next day, you'd be like, oh, God, it took four hours to get her off. I was down there forever!

• 1:17:24Sam Morril?

  At least you know she's got a ride home.

• 1:17:26Speaker 05

  He's going down.

• 1:17:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah. She, she raided me.

• 1:17:28Sam Morril?

  Got the car.

• 1:17:28Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:17:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, we had a good time.

• 1:17:30Speaker 07

  What's the oldest you've gone? What's the biggest discrepancy? Oldest, youngest?

• 1:17:33Mark Normand?

  Well, I never carded. It's hard to get the exact age.

• 1:17:36Speaker 07

  No?

• 1:17:37Mark Normand?

  But, uh...

• 1:17:38Sam Morril?

  Yeah, I'm trying to think. It was Green Acres Retirement Community. I'm trying to put it together. No, I think it was probably mid 50s.

• 1:17:45Mark Normand?

  Yeah, same.

• 1:17:46Speaker 07

  58, when I was 30.

• 1:17:47Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:17:49Speaker 07

  Wonderful.

• 1:17:50Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:17:51Mark Normand?

  They give.

• 1:17:51Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, bro!

• 1:17:54Sam Morril?

  58, where'd you meet her?

• 1:17:55Speaker 05

  I'm a mother.

• 1:17:56Speaker 07

  At my friend's wedding. It was my friend's cousin.

• 1:17:59Sam Morril?

  Nice!

• 1:18:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:18:00Sam Morril?

  And we're gonna leave it at that. What, what, give us the, what'd she look like?

• 1:18:03Speaker 05

  What made you decide to take the old silver?

• 1:18:05Speaker 07

  She was like, she was like four foot 10 and she was like, so petite, a dancer. I like the petite, you know, smaller hands.

• 1:18:12Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:18:13Speaker 07

  It's all perspective. It looks spec- I know the tricks. I learned the tricks.

• 1:18:15Mark Normand?

  Makes sense.

• 1:18:17Speaker 07

  So she's so sensual.

• 1:18:18Sam Morril?

  You should get jerked off by Trump.

• 1:18:21Speaker 07

  We'd be a good match.

• 1:18:22Mark Normand?

  More rich for us.

• 1:18:23Speaker 05

  Wait, so, why do you like small?

• 1:18:25Speaker 07

  We're dancing, oh, we're just, we're just dancing, we're having a good time.

• 1:18:28Speaker 05

  I just realized that.

• 1:18:29Speaker 07

  She's, yeah, she was very sensual with the dancing, so we started talking, we didn't hook up that night, but it ended up, uh, she lived in Philly, I was in New York, we made some trips. She used to work at a, like a frickin' strip club as like the, like the madam or something.

• 1:18:44Mark Normand?

  Whoa.

• 1:18:45Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:18:46Speaker 07

  She would have girls, she was a stripper, she was a former stripper.

• 1:18:48Sam Morril?

  So she must have been really good if she's.

• 1:18:49Speaker 07

  Yeah. Yeah, it was fantastic. She called it the special. She had her thing, she called it the special.

• 1:18:55Sam Morril?

  What's the special?

• 1:18:56Speaker 05

  What was the special?

• 1:18:57Speaker 07

  Just, you know.

• 1:18:58Speaker 05

  Come on, Atanica, tell us.

• 1:19:00Speaker 07

  A blowjob.

• 1:19:01Speaker 05

  Oh, that, but was there something special about it?

• 1:19:03Speaker 07

  It was a special blowjob.

• 1:19:04Mark Normand?

  What, cause she took her teeth out?

• 1:19:06Speaker 07

  She didn't, she, she, that's you with the gummers.

• 1:19:10Speaker 07

  No, she had her teeth, it was just, I don't know, I'm not gonna, I don't wanna spoil it.

• 1:19:14Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:19:15Speaker 07

  Read the book.

• 1:19:16Mark Normand?

  Well, at least you save money on the early bird dinners.

• 1:19:18Speaker 07

  Yeah, there you go.

• 1:19:19Sam Morril?

  He's gonna get a call from this lady in a couple of months, "I listened to a podcast that got 2,000 views, and you insulted me."

• 1:19:25Speaker 07

  Well, she's happily deceased now, so.

• 1:19:27Sam Morril?

  Is she really?

• 1:19:28Speaker 07

  Oh, I'm kidding.

• 1:19:29Sam Morril?

  You killed it with your.

• 1:19:30Speaker 07

  I'm a joke maker.

• 1:19:31Mark Normand?

  She died at a nursing home with Cuomo.

• 1:19:34Speaker 05

  Did you attend that funeral?

• 1:19:35Speaker 07

  Tied it over.

• 1:19:37Mark Normand?

  There you go, Maddie, put her on the board.

• 1:19:40Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 1:19:40Speaker 07

  This is so fun though.

• 1:19:41Sam Morril?

  What's your oldest, Mark?

• 1:19:42Mark Normand?

  I'm somewhere around there, probably 62, maybe.

• 1:19:45Sam Morril?

  I met a woman at a casino in Reno, Nevada, when I was like 24, she was probably like 55 or something.

• 1:19:50Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:50Sam Morril?

  She was hot, though.

• 1:19:51Mark Normand?

  Yeah, my virginity was 55.

• 1:19:53Speaker 07

  55, yeah.

• 1:19:54Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:55Speaker 07

  You're like a mold.

• 1:19:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:19:56Sam Morril?

  Mark and I have bonded over.

• 1:19:58Speaker 07

  You do, and you've always been the cool.

• 1:19:59Sam Morril?

  Movies and MILFs.

• 1:20:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:20:00Speaker 05

  I remember being out with Sam once and his phone rang.

• 1:20:03Mark Normand?

  That's a great Henny show. Sorry, what's that?

• 1:20:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:05Speaker 05

  I was out with Sam and his phone rang and, um, and it just said on his phone, "Older woman Tampa."

• 1:20:11Mark Normand?

  Ah, was it a rotary?

• 1:20:13Speaker 05

  And I've never felt as bad for a woman in that moment, like, like it could just. She's probably even thinking about him and following up, like she had her own play in her head, but she was nothing but older woman Tampa, just boiled down to that in Sam's mind.

• 1:20:25Speaker 07

  That's the character, that's the character she actually plays.

• 1:20:27Mark Normand?

  She was a good woman.

• 1:20:28Speaker 07

  But we have to admit, let's, who's got the weirdest name contact in their phone?

• 1:20:31Sam Morril?

  Taping a special in Tampa on February 27th, both shows sold out, baby.

• 1:20:34Speaker 05

  Anyone wanna take the place?

• 1:20:36Sam Morril?

  I'm gonna add a night in the new year, but, uh, yeah. Tampa, Tampa's great.

• 1:20:39Mark Normand?

  Love Tampa.

• 1:20:41Sam Morril?

  Tampa's good.

• 1:20:42Speaker 07

  Good hard drinking craft.

• 1:20:43Speaker 05

  You've got many a crush on older women.

• 1:20:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:20:45Speaker 05

  It's a very appealing aspect of you.

• 1:20:47Sam Morril?

  Oh, thanks.

• 1:20:47Mark Normand?

  Same.

• 1:20:48Sam Morril?

  Oh, it's better than the other way, right?

• 1:20:49Speaker 05

  I agree.

• 1:20:50Sam Morril?

  Women always like when you like older women.

• 1:20:51Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 1:20:52Mark Normand?

  Definitely.

• 1:20:52Sam Morril?

  But I think, I think if you're like an older woman and you keep it tight, it's fucking hot.

• 1:20:56Mark Normand?

  Definitely, agreed.

• 1:20:57Sam Morril?

  And you keep it together, and there's just a maturity thing. Now, it's not...

• 1:21:02Speaker 05

  What did she say, Mark?

• 1:21:03Mark Normand?

  They're very grateful. When you're down there, they're like, "Thank you," and you're moving cobwebs, it's all there.

• 1:21:10Sam Morril?

  No, I, I, no, they, they are...

• 1:21:13Mark Normand?

  They give you a word that's original in the end.

• 1:21:14Sam Morril?

  They're more secure, they have their own shit, they're more, they're more, uh, they're comfortable on their own usually.

• 1:21:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:20Sam Morril?

  They don't need, they're not like always waiting for you to, to figure shit out.

• 1:21:24Speaker 05

  No, it's called lose, they've already lost hope.

• 1:21:25Speaker 07

  Oh, right.

• 1:21:26Sam Morril?

  That's what it is, I couldn't put my finger on it, but yes.

• 1:21:28Speaker 05

  Hope is passed by...

• 1:21:29Sam Morril?

  Loss of hope, I love that, I find that attractive.

• 1:21:31Speaker 07

  It's a belief in, in finding love or anything like that, yeah.

• 1:21:33Mark Normand?

  And they don't go, "What are we? Where's this going?"

• 1:21:36Speaker 05

  No.

• 1:21:37Mark Normand?

  "You gonna call me?" "Oh, you're gonna, you're gonna be dead soon, you old man."

• 1:21:41Sam Morril?

  Do the dice voice.

• 1:21:43Speaker 05

  Mark, please do that hip dance.

• 1:21:44Speaker 07

  I like the act out on the podcast, that's nice.

• 1:21:46Sam Morril?

  Yeah, look at those fucking hips.

• 1:21:47Mark Normand?

  "Take me to dinner at 5:00 PM."

• 1:21:52Sam Morril?

  Shut up!

• 1:21:53Speaker 07

  This guy's taking UCB classes over here.

• 1:21:55Mark Normand?

  Keep knitting, you old...

• 1:21:58Sam Morril?

  What the fuck is happening?

• 1:22:01Mark Normand?

  We've been drinking...

• 1:22:02Speaker 05

  I did always respect...

• 1:22:03Mark Normand?

  Fucking...

• 1:22:03Speaker 05

  Oh my god, I love Nick's...

• 1:22:05Speaker 07

  Dude, shimmy shimmy coco puff.

• 1:22:07Mark Normand?

  Is it hot in here?

• 1:22:07Sam Morril?

  It is hot in here.

• 1:22:08Speaker 05

  I know, I want to take this off, but I'm like the...

• 1:22:11Sam Morril?

  Take it off, let's see those C cups.

• 1:22:13Mark Normand?

  C plus double.

• 1:22:14Speaker 05

  I've been wanting you the whole time, but I'm like, then it's gonna be some meme-able fucking... And they'll put some old lady music to it too, that'll devastate me.

• 1:22:22Speaker 05

  And they'll put the fucking silver dollar dinner on.

• 1:22:24Mark Normand?

  Sweater relief.

• 1:22:25Speaker 05

  No, fucking Sal Cuse, fuck off!

• 1:22:28Sam Morril?

  He, he looks like a peeping tom, this guy.

• 1:22:30Mark Normand?

  He looks like a peeping tom.

• 1:22:31Sam Morril?

  You look like a scumbag.

• 1:22:31Speaker 05

  I know. Sal Cuse does look like he's, like, has the eye up to a glory hole on Planet Fitness.

• 1:22:36Mark Normand?

  You look like the trench coat guy who does this.

• 1:22:38Sam Morril?

  You do look like you would fucking expose yourself.

• 1:22:40Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:22:42Speaker 07

  Clint Howard's body double.

• 1:22:43Mark Normand?

  Yeah! Clint Howard, fuck Ron Jeremy.

• 1:22:46Speaker 07

  There you go, beautiful, beautiful. So kind, good man. Proud of you, Matthew.

• 1:22:50Sam Morril?

  So, you, but you, you've been like in love so many times.

• 1:22:52Speaker 07

  So many times.

• 1:22:53Sam Morril?

  You've, you've always had hot girlfriends, I feel like.

• 1:22:54Mark Normand?

  That's true, you're a big, you're a good vagina slayer.

• 1:22:58Speaker 07

  I guess I'm a good-looking Jew.

• 1:22:59Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you are.

• 1:23:01Speaker 07

  You know, which is nice, because Jewish women love Jewish guys. Jewish women, I mean, it's nice for this day and age, mostly. Stay off certain beaches, but.

• 1:23:12Speaker 07

  Listen, you have to, this is what you do. You make the jokes.

• 1:23:15Speaker 05

  This is what you do is great.

• 1:23:16Speaker 07

  That's a joke.

• 1:23:17Speaker 05

  He talks amazing. He's like a perfect use.

• 1:23:19Speaker 07

  I'm a perfect guest, which you could have had 12 of me.

• 1:23:22Sam Morril?

  You're like a 70 year old. You're like a 70 year old, man. Look, it's important to spread humor.

• 1:23:26Speaker 07

  I've seen some of these guests you guys get. Whew.

• 1:23:28Sam Morril?

  Who was your least favorite?

• 1:23:29Speaker 07

  One battle after another with some of these guests.

• 1:23:31Mark Normand?

  Al Franken, don't get me started.

• 1:23:33Speaker 05

  Tell us, tell, yeah.

• 1:23:34Speaker 07

  And now I'm leaving New York. I'm moving to LA again.

• 1:23:36Mark Normand?

  What? Why?

• 1:23:37Speaker 07

  For the show.

• 1:23:38Mark Normand?

  You're a runner.

• 1:23:39Speaker 07

  I'm a runner. I tend to.

• 1:23:40Speaker 05

  You do.

• 1:23:41Sam Morril?

  You're not ready for a family, dude.

• 1:23:42Speaker 07

  Here's the thing, I'm ready.

• 1:23:43Speaker 05

  No, he's like Frank Sinatra. He's always proposing, but he's never fucking closing the deal. You're Johnny Carson.

• 1:23:47Speaker 07

  I was ready to close.

• 1:23:48Speaker 05

  Why don't you just close?

• 1:23:49Speaker 07

  I was ready to close. She didn't trust it. I don't want to get on that.

• 1:23:52Sam Morril?

  Why didn't you trust it? What did you do?

• 1:23:53Speaker 05

  He likes the fucking production of proposing.

• 1:23:55Speaker 07

  Of her own issues.

• 1:23:57Sam Morril?

  Where'd you meet her?

• 1:23:57Speaker 07

  Trauma. I met her on Field.

• 1:24:01Sam Morril?

  You're not ready for a family.

• 1:24:02Speaker 07

  The kink app.

• 1:24:03Mark Normand?

  That's the kinky threesome.

• 1:24:04Speaker 07

  But you know what?

• 1:24:05Speaker 05

  I love that you guys all knew.

• 1:24:06Sam Morril?

  What was the kink?

• 1:24:07Speaker 07

  You're not wrong. I'm never doing these apps again. I'm dead serious about dating.

• 1:24:10Sam Morril?

  I actually, I need to meet women in person. I always find that in person, there's like a, sometimes I see a picture and I'm like, not attracted to her, but in person, I'm super attracted to her. And vice versa. Vibe is so much. Energy is so much.

• 1:24:23Mark Normand?

  Veramones.

• 1:24:24Sam Morril?

  What was your kink on Field?

• 1:24:25Speaker 07

  It was more her kink. Small dick.

• 1:24:28Sam Morril?

  Really?

• 1:24:28Mark Normand?

  Oh!

• 1:24:29Speaker 05

  What's the moral of this? You weren't small enough?

• 1:24:32Speaker 07

  I wasn't small enough. Isn't that something? She wanted a micro penis, you see?

• 1:24:35Mark Normand?

  Send her my number.

• 1:24:35Speaker 07

  Send her your mic. No, but it was a domination thing. She liked the sub.

• 1:24:39Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:24:40Speaker 07

  I was grand. I got a sub stack.

• 1:24:41Speaker 05

  I like to act so.

• 1:24:42Sam Morril?

  Sal Akkous likes a sub.

• 1:24:46Speaker 07

  Party, party size. Six footer.

• 1:24:48Speaker 05

  Do you want to be punished?

• 1:24:50Mark Normand?

  Uh, he's a real, he's a picker.

• 1:24:52Speaker 07

  He's a glutton for it.

• 1:24:52Speaker 05

  Does he really? Does he like punishing?

• 1:24:54Sam Morril?

  It was a food joke.

• 1:24:55Speaker 07

  S and M.

• 1:24:57Speaker 05

  I'm missing every sexual reference here.

• 1:24:59Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:00Sam Morril?

  So she wanted, you wanted to dominate a guy?

• 1:25:02Speaker 07

  She liked to be domed, you know?

• 1:25:04Sam Morril?

  Oh, no.

• 1:25:04Mark Normand?

  Oh, I thought every woman liked that.

• 1:25:05Speaker 07

  Well, and then, once I started questioning why, that's when she started getting defensive. You know, because I have theories around this stuff.

• 1:25:12Sam Morril?

  You started breaking down her fetish?

• 1:25:13Speaker 07

  Yeah, you know, maybe.

• 1:25:15Sam Morril?

  Talk about why you like this.

• 1:25:16Speaker 07

  Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem.

• 1:25:18Mark Normand?

  Now, what does dom mean? Tied up, pinching?

• 1:25:21Speaker 07

  Short for Dominic.

• 1:25:24Mark Normand?

  What are we talking like?

• 1:25:24Speaker 07

  She wanted to get fucked by Dom Arera.

• 1:25:25Sam Morril?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:25:29Mark Normand?

  What does that mean? Give me some specifics.

• 1:25:30Speaker 07

  Dominating? You hold her down. Not against her will, with her consent.

• 1:25:36Mark Normand?

  Sure, sure.

• 1:25:37Speaker 07

  That's the difference. Yeah, you just held her down in life. Yeah.

• 1:25:39Mark Normand?

  Folks.

• 1:25:40Speaker 07

  I did far, I was very inspired. I'll tell you, you were right.

• 1:25:43Mark Normand?

  Hey, Dom was looking good on it back then.

• 1:25:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, good looking guy.

• 1:25:45Speaker 07

  Rachel, you want to explain domination and so, you can explain. Dom Arera's a funny bastard, dude.

• 1:25:51Speaker 05

  That's not, that's not my thing, really. I just like, I don't, yeah, I don't want to be like, I don't really want to be choked, it's, I find a little alarming, honestly, but um...

• 1:26:00Mark Normand?

  Yeah, that's a generational.

• 1:26:01Speaker 07

  I don't love that.

• 1:26:02Speaker 05

  I just like a, I just like a guy to make eye contact with me and to compliment me occasionally.

• 1:26:08Speaker 07

  That's what I'm looking for.

• 1:26:09Speaker 05

  It's sad or it's sad.

• 1:26:09Speaker 07

  That's what I'm looking for.

• 1:26:10Sam Morril?

  Rachel's field profile was like, just be nice, please.

• 1:26:12Speaker 05

  Don't punch a wall if possible. Just don't, don't put a dead in our microwave. Um, yeah. That was too real. Can we please like, yeah, like, let me remix that. Let's put in some holiday music there.

• 1:26:23Mark Normand?

  But the field, field app is good because you don't have to like, date 28 times for her to be like, I like being Dom. They just come out with it.

• 1:26:30Speaker 07

  It comes out with it. But listen, I mean, it was honestly my mistake for, for probably even being on there because I was...

• 1:26:36Sam Morril?

  Where are you gonna meet someone?

• 1:26:37Speaker 07

  Or, or I'll say this. While we're on leave, somebody, I, I, you meet people at the frickin' dog park now, you know, you meet people out there.

• 1:26:43Speaker 05

  Look at him acting like he's every day's man. Not when you're combing the, some sort of weird kink app. No, you meet him at the dog park. Look how my mom and pops find that.

• 1:26:52Speaker 07

  And I say that, I haven't had a single person at the dog park. I've had a dog for three years.

• 1:26:55Speaker 05

  I'm not searching getting jizzed on by Dom over.

• 1:26:57Speaker 07

  That's not working, so what's the move then? What's the move? I think in person is the move. I gotta do more podcasts, you know, now you can...

• 1:27:03Mark Normand?

  Have you met Maddie?

• 1:27:04Speaker 07

  Maddie, hello.

• 1:27:05Speaker 02

  Nice to meet you.

• 1:27:06Mark Normand?

  How do you feel about Jewish men?

• 1:27:09Speaker 02

  They're good.

• 1:27:09Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 1:27:10Speaker 07

  This might be a match. Okay is the best we'll take in 2025.

• 1:27:13Mark Normand?

  Yeah, you better believe it. It's not a great week.

• 1:27:15Speaker 07

  No, it's a tricky, it's a tricky, never a great week. It's been a bad week. Never a great week.

• 1:27:19Speaker 02

  Who doesn't love an NJB? Nice Jewish boy.

• 1:27:21Speaker 07

  NJB. See, the thing about being Jewish, the Jewish women love you, of course, but also the chicks is there is an appeal. There's a Jewish kink. There's a Jewish vibe.

• 1:27:28Speaker 05

  It's true, yes, no, that is true.

• 1:27:29Speaker 07

  Right?

• 1:27:29Speaker 05

  A lot of girls like Jewish guys, yeah.

• 1:27:31Speaker 02

  I have a friend who exclusively dates Jewish guys. I could set you up with her if you like.

• 1:27:34Mark Normand?

  Hey!

• 1:27:35Speaker 07

  See, I don't know how I feel about that. I don't like a setup. I don't, yeah, I don't like a setup either. Even the word setup is bad. You got set up.

• 1:27:42Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, good point.

• 1:27:42Sam Morril?

  It's fucking free, you're free.

• 1:27:43Speaker 05

  It's a commitment and you're free. And you had smothering mo- you had smothering mothers.

• 1:27:47Mark Normand?

  Oh my god.

• 1:27:48Speaker 07

  My parents were set up on a blind date, it worked for them, forty-four years marriage, happy marriage.

• 1:27:52Mark Normand?

  I'll tell you, when I was single, I went on a JDate and I put willing to convert. Woo, did I clean up. Holy hell.

• 1:27:59Speaker 07

  That's the move.

• 1:28:00Sam Morril?

  You're just trying to get closer to Seinfeld. Your whole fucking profile.

• 1:28:04Mark Normand?

  But every girl was like.

• 1:28:05Sam Morril?

  Jerry, I'm thinking of converting.

• 1:28:08Speaker 05

  Who were you when you did that? That's so hilarious.

• 1:28:10Mark Normand?

  I don't know, like twenty-seven?

• 1:28:12Speaker 05

  Was that, was that a lie, that you were willing to convert?

• 1:28:14Mark Normand?

  Of course.

• 1:28:15Speaker 05

  Of course, right.

• 1:28:15Mark Normand?

  I'm not even gonna convert to Christianity, I'm not converting anything.

• 1:28:18Sam Morril?

  Rachel used to ran, run my Jewish dating profile and you would just send the most fucking absurd messages to people.

• 1:28:24Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:28:24Sam Morril?

  And it was still off the wall that sometimes they would work.

• 1:28:27Speaker 05

  I wrote to one girl.

• 1:28:28Sam Morril?

  She wrote one girl, she's like, "You, a naughty little girl who needs to learn a lesson. Me, a guy who's gonna teach it to you." And she wrote back, "Me, a comedy booker. You, a comedian who's doing my show next week." And I was like, fuck.

• 1:28:40Mark Normand?

  Caroline Hirsch.

• 1:28:42Sam Morril?

  I saw her the other day.

• 1:28:43Speaker 05

  She's very beautiful.

• 1:28:44Mark Normand?

  She's very pretty.

• 1:28:45Sam Morril?

  Still looking, she's like fucking looking amazing.

• 1:28:46Mark Normand?

  I would.

• 1:28:47Speaker 05

  She's smoking.

• 1:28:47Sam Morril?

  You would?

• 1:28:48Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:28:48Sam Morril?

  Yeah, same.

• 1:28:49Mark Normand?

  I don't even need the stage time anymore.

• 1:28:52Sam Morril?

  Damn, look at that.

• 1:28:53Mark Normand?

  Jeez, look at that, she's got a Rachel rack.

• 1:28:55Speaker 05

  She's a beautiful.

• 1:28:56Sam Morril?

  She's gonna fucking.

• 1:28:56Speaker 07

  A beautiful Jewish.

• 1:28:58Mark Normand?

  Thank you, callback.

• 1:29:00Sam Morril?

  Thanks for all the fucking spots Caroline.

• 1:29:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah, on my dick.

• 1:29:03Speaker 05

  Oh you guys, shut the fuck up.

• 1:29:05Mark Normand?

  We're getting too loose and gay.

• 1:29:07Speaker 07

  Loose with the goose here.

• 1:29:09Mark Normand?

  Yeah, no, we love Caroline, she's a good egg.

• 1:29:10Sam Morril?

  No, she's the best, man.

• 1:29:11Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah.

• 1:29:12Speaker 07

  I did money later Caroline.

• 1:29:13Sam Morril?

  We had some fucking nights at that club, dude.

• 1:29:14Mark Normand?

  Great nights.

• 1:29:15Sam Morril?

  Remember, remember fucking, god, what's the bartender's name who I loved? He'd always fucking pour us those Manhattans all night.

• 1:29:21Mark Normand?

  They were very tall, very strong.

• 1:29:23Speaker 05

  Didn't it come out later that one of the owners was embezzling the entire time?

• 1:29:27Sam Morril?

  One of the managers. Shout out Kenny, we love you still, you were still a good guy.

• 1:29:31Speaker 05

  He was always in such a fun-loving mood, I had no idea it was because he bought himself a few summer homes.

• 1:29:36Sam Morril?

  The only thing that guy embezzled was our heart.

• 1:29:38Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:38Sam Morril?

  And a lot of money, he got a lot of money out of them, but, good guy.

• 1:29:41Speaker 07

  Louis, was it Louis, uh, booking?

• 1:29:43Mark Normand?

  Veranda.

• 1:29:43Speaker 07

  Veran.

• 1:29:44Sam Morril?

  Louis Veranda was my favorite.

• 1:29:46Speaker 07

  Yeah, he's a character.

• 1:29:47Sam Morril?

  Walking up to, "Kid, kid, you're the funniest in New York City." Walks up to the next guy, like two feet away, "You're number one."

• 1:29:52Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:29:53Sam Morril?

  Walks up to the next guy, "You're the best."

• 1:29:54Speaker 07

  He had a lot of notes.

• 1:29:55Sam Morril?

  Walked up to a homeless guy on the street, "You're my favorite comedian."

• 1:29:59Mark Normand?

  I won some contests, you're supposed to win like three grand, so I was like, "Hey Lou, can I get that money?" He's like. It's not about the money, it's about the art. The art of comedy, that's what you're doing for.

• 1:30:07Speaker 05

  Oh my god, what a wild story.

• 1:30:08Sam Morril?

  You ever hear the story that Louis, he like wouldn't book Louis and then Louis finally sold the place out? And Lou walked up to him and was like, "You're my favorite, you're the best." And Louis just walked up to him and held a middle finger for like one minute straight and then walked on stage.

• 1:30:21Mark Normand?

  Whoa, damn. We love you Louis.

• 1:30:25Sam Morril?

  I love Lou Ferrin.

• 1:30:26Speaker 05

  I opened for-

• 1:30:27Sam Morril?

  He was always really good to us, man.

• 1:30:28Mark Normand?

  Yeah, great guy, great dog.

• 1:30:30Speaker 07

  Lou Ferrin.

• 1:30:31Sam Morril?

  He was, he really was good to us.

• 1:30:32Speaker 07

  I saw Norm at Caroline's on my 30th birthday. It was the best-

• 1:30:36Mark Normand?

  What year? Cause I think I went to that show too.

• 1:30:38Speaker 07

  Must've been 2014.

• 1:30:39Mark Normand?

  I was there.

• 1:30:39Speaker 07

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:30:40Mark Normand?

  Did, um, what's his face open? Colin Kane opened when I saw him.

• 1:30:44Sam Morril?

  A perfect pairing.

• 1:30:45Mark Normand?

  I know, right?

• 1:30:46Speaker 07

  Colin Kane?

• 1:30:47Mark Normand?

  Remember him?

• 1:30:48Speaker 07

  The governor of Virginia?

• 1:30:49Sam Morril?

  I'd rather think Colin Kaepernick opened that show, am I right folks?

• 1:30:53Speaker 07

  Oh, not Colin Quinn, but I thought, I think it was Daryl Hammond maybe.

• 1:30:56Sam Morril?

  Oh, Hammond opened?

• 1:30:57Speaker 07

  Maybe, maybe I'm conflating those, I don't know, maybe not. No, that doesn't sound right.

• 1:31:01Mark Normand?

  Good show?

• 1:31:01Speaker 07

  That was an amazing show.

• 1:31:02Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:03Speaker 07

  Norm was the best.

• 1:31:03Sam Morril?

  It didn't always go over live though.

• 1:31:05Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:31:06Sam Morril?

  I mean, like, so I think some people didn't always get it. It was almost too heady for the rooms.

• 1:31:09Speaker 05

  Get what?

• 1:31:10Sam Morril?

  Just his, his delivery and his essence and yeah, I mean, he was obviously brilliant, but it didn't, he'd walk people sometimes.

• 1:31:15Mark Normand?

  Oh yeah, oh yeah.

• 1:31:17Speaker 07

  The best do.

• 1:31:18Speaker 05

  You're right, I feel like that too, because I remember first seeing Colin and being like, "I've never seen a smarter person." And he wouldn't really be like, he, Colin would even have a tough set and wouldn't give a shit.

• 1:31:27Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:31:27Speaker 05

  I feel like Colin and Norm both have these premises for jokes where, you know, sometimes you hear a joke and you're jealous of it. And I'm like, even if I had circled that premise a million times, I would never have come up with that angle.

• 1:31:37Mark Normand?

  I know.

• 1:31:38Speaker 05

  I was nowhere close to coming up with a Colin angle or a Norm angle. They just have these angles on things that would never occur to you.

• 1:31:44Mark Normand?

  Yeah, and even when I've had like, "Oh, this is a great bit, I got a great bit idea, I'll do it." And someone goes, "That's a Colin bit." Damn it, he already got to it. He's good.

• 1:31:53Speaker 07

  But you guys, I mean, I have to say, again, to bring it, to get serious here for a second.

• 1:31:57Mark Normand?

  Uh oh, oh no.

• 1:31:58Speaker 07

  This is the sentimental portion of the show. It's a pleasure to be here and, you know, you got, you two guys and Rachel, I don't know you as well, but I'm a fan of your work. But I, I went, came up with these guys. Here's the thing.

• 1:32:09Speaker 05

  Sure.

• 1:32:10Speaker 07

  2006, 2007, 2008, the open mics, we're doing it.

• 1:32:15Speaker 07

  We're doing the pit, we're doing Village Lantern. The cabin, of course, the great cabin.

• 1:32:20Speaker 05

  Touch Mark Moore, touch him.

• 1:32:20Speaker 07

  Sam and I, you weren't doing the Sage that much, I don't think you ever did the Sage?

• 1:32:23Mark Normand?

  I did a couple times.

• 1:32:24Speaker 07

  Did a couple times?

• 1:32:24Sam Morril?

  You did a bunch, you were on all the time.

• 1:32:25Mark Normand?

  Free pizza, I have videos on YouTube of me and Sage.

• 1:32:28Sam Morril?

  No, Mark was on all the time.

• 1:32:29Speaker 07

  Really, okay.

• 1:32:29Mark Normand?

  Yeah, me, you and Pat Dixon.

• 1:32:30Speaker 07

  I blacked out those nights, but you and I were doing Sage almost every week.

• 1:32:34Mark Normand?

  Wow.

• 1:32:35Speaker 07

  Barking out, getting people in the door.

• 1:32:37Sam Morril?

  A lot of handing out flyers.

• 1:32:38Speaker 07

  I mean, we must have done shows.

• 1:32:39Sam Morril?

  No, Mark did that show constantly.

• 1:32:40Mark Normand?

  I did a lot.

• 1:32:40Speaker 07

  I mean, we saw each other all the time, we were going out for like a six month period in 2007. And what I realized, people ask me all the time, you know, "Oh, you still doing stand up and things?" And I'm going, you know, I came up, I mentioned these guys, "Oh, Sam, Mark, these are friends of mine." But what I realized about six months doing it, you know, you guys are hard drinking, boys and girls, and late nights, I didn't have the constitution for it.

• 1:33:02Mark Normand?

  Mmm.

• 1:33:03Speaker 07

  And I couldn't hang with these guys. And frankly, stand up comedy, well, I realized, stand up comedy is really hard.

• 1:33:10Speaker 05

  It's for the alcoholics.

• 1:33:10Speaker 07

  But being really good at stand up is really hard. It's hard work that I wasn't quite willing to do at the time.

• 1:33:15Mark Normand?

  Sure.

• 1:33:15Sam Morril?

  But you had funny stuff, man.

• 1:33:17Speaker 07

  I found my, you know, talk show niche and I spun off different ways.

• 1:33:20Mark Normand?

  Yeah.

• 1:33:20Speaker 07

  But I always admired everyone who sticks to stand up like that and grinds it out.

• 1:33:24Mark Normand?

  Hey, I appreciate that.

• 1:33:25Speaker 07

  And to watch you get to where you are today, holy moly.

• 1:33:27Mark Normand?

  It's a blue collar job, I always say.

• 1:33:29Speaker 07

  It's a beautiful thing.

• 1:33:29Mark Normand?

  You gotta grind it.

• 1:33:30Speaker 07

  No, you're filthy rich.

• 1:33:31Speaker 05

  I can say for myself, I wish that I was one of those people who had like a series of other options, but I made this noble choice to like leave it all for stand up. I had no other skills. I always wanted to be like one of those stories where I was like, I was a doctor, but at the like bottom of the ninth, I left med school because Caroline's called.

• 1:33:47Sam Morril?

  Like a Dimitri Martin, like lawyer.

• 1:33:49Speaker 07

  Geraldo.

• 1:33:50Speaker 05

  I always wanted that story.

• 1:33:51Sam Morril?

  No, but you get to a certain age, you're like, this is it. Like, I really have to try.

• 1:33:56Speaker 05

  I know, I remember discussing, like, I had gotten, you know, many, many rejections on the road and I was just like sobbing in some rented hotel room and I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone and, God bless comics for being just like hilariously honest with you at your darkest hour. I was like, I think I'm just gonna quit. She was like, you have no other skills.

• 1:34:13Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:34:14Speaker 05

  There's nothing else you can put, you have nothing else to offer the workforce.

• 1:34:18Mark Normand?

  Maybe we can Uber or something, we can drive Uber.

• 1:34:20Speaker 05

  It's like this or I'm homeless.

• 1:34:22Sam Morril?

  I have a license, but that would be a funny thing is me being a shitty ass.

• 1:34:26Speaker 05

  You would be a fine.

• 1:34:26Speaker 07

  That's like Andy Kaufman doing the dishes.

• 1:34:28Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:34:29Speaker 07

  That's your version of it. If Kaufman was around, he'd be doing, but Rachel, but you could be a writer, right? You can film out, you can spin out to film, other things, other things to do with comedy instead of stand up. Right? So the fact sticking to stand up specifically.

• 1:34:41Sam Morril?

  No, we had a lot of fun, dude. I mean, Mark and I.

• 1:34:43Speaker 07

  You just love it. You love it.

• 1:34:44Sam Morril?

  Mark, in those early days, we had so much fun drinking and like, you know, meeting in the coffee shop. Like, no, it was, it was fun. Same with Rachel. I mean, we had so much fun, like just.

• 1:34:52Mark Normand?

  Remember that coffee shop in Williamsburg, me, you and Hanley would write once a week?

• 1:34:55Sam Morril?

  That was fun, dude.

• 1:34:56Mark Normand?

  That was fun. That was crazy.

• 1:34:57Sam Morril?

  That was a cool spot. Yeah.

• 1:34:58Mark Normand?

  We really worked hard.

• 1:34:59Sam Morril?

  Now, we worked hard on bouncing bits and you'd be patient with each other and be like, oh, I think you're trying to say this. Or like, you let, you let each other cook. It was good.

• 1:35:08Mark Normand?

  And we were learning how to develop joke. We didn't know how to write. You would just kind of go on, you know, improvise.

• 1:35:13Sam Morril?

  Yeah, learning your voice and stuff.

• 1:35:15Speaker 07

  And how many, is this funny texts do you get from Sam?

• 1:35:17Mark Normand?

  Oh, hold on. Oh, my God.

• 1:35:19Speaker 05

  Sam's texts are amazing.

• 1:35:21Sam Morril?

  Well, I get them from you too.

• 1:35:22Speaker 07

  Yeah. Is this funny? That's the, but that's what, that's, is this funny is like the comedian, like slogan.

• 1:35:27Sam Morril?

  So we almost called this show that.

• 1:35:28Speaker 07

  Yeah, that's a great title for this. Is this funny?

• 1:35:30Speaker 05

  Sam is always, it's like always a series of very Jewy complaints. And he was like, oh, this is a lot. This is a lot. I haven't slept. And then it's just like a classic 90s Knicks moment. And then it's like, is this funny? And he always pops back into material again.

• 1:35:42Sam Morril?

  Yeah, you gotta, we gotta go back to the jokes.

• 1:35:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, but you guys, I feel like.

• 1:35:44Sam Morril?

  She bounced a bit by me at the cellar last night, then I watched her doing the kill and I was like, I fucking love that. I love that. Went to the bar, just talking jokes. Rachel runs by me. I was like, oh, that's really good. And then I watched her do it and she added a couple of lines. I was like, that's fucking, that's the best.

• 1:35:56Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:35:56Sam Morril?

  When you see a comic like, cause you know what that means?

• 1:35:59Mark Normand?

  Yes.

• 1:36:00Sam Morril?

  So them bouncing a joke, them doing the joke, the joke killing. And then you're like, oh, that's fucking awesome.

• 1:36:05Speaker 05

  No, it was the most satisfying thing. I feel like lately, like we both, cause I'm the same amount of, I'm always complaining and like kvetching about some horseshit. But I feel like we do, we have a good rhythm of complaining and then writing and then complaining again. But I always, I also remember that when I first met both of you guys, you were both already very funny right away, always really good comics, good writers right away. Um, but, and I remember that Sam, I remember thinking like, oh, like he's some kind of like dark bad boy. And then somebody was like, oh no, he's nice. Norman would like say things again that would pretty much devastate me. And then I remember telling Sam like at night, I'd be like, and then he said this to me, and then he told me this. And Sam was like, no, he doesn't mean it like that. It's ironic.

• 1:36:44Sam Morril?

  Yeah, he's fucking with you. He likes you.

• 1:36:45Speaker 05

  I know. And I remember once.

• 1:36:46Sam Morril?

  That's me being like, Mark fucking likes you.

• 1:36:48Speaker 05

  I know. And you were right.

• 1:36:49Speaker 07

  People think you're an asshole.

• 1:36:50Sam Morril?

  Apparently.

• 1:36:51Speaker 05

  No, no, not now. But, but then I remember, Mark, you called me one day. No, every comics always slam each other, but Mark, because he's just a pure comic, he's not thinking about it. I've learned this about him. He would say something, there'd be just too acute, too honest, too specifically devastating. Um, and then I, I remember like one time you called me or you messaged me.

• 1:37:12Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:37:13Speaker 05

  And you were like.

• 1:37:13Sam Morril?

  You up?

• 1:37:17Speaker 05

  Um, and you were like, I, and like, I was like, I said something to Mark one day. I think you were going through something and, and, um, I was like, oh, you should go to therapy. I'm in therapy. It might help or something. And then you did go. And then you messaged me this really lovely, sweet message and you were like, thank you for being a nice friend to me. Thank you for being there for me. I knew Alan Lefkowitz must be behind this somehow. I was like, there's no way.

• 1:37:38Sam Morril?

  No, that was all me.

• 1:37:39Speaker 05

  But I was, but I was touched. I was like, oh, that's really sweet. And then after that, I was like, all right, Mark's okay.

• 1:37:43Speaker 07

  And then he said he's fucking his therapist.

• 1:37:45Sam Morril?

  Yeah. Well, we, Mark and I had so many nights at the subway stop where it was just like, I'm, I, he lived downtown, I lived uptown. And we would just kind of wait at the train. He would just walk, we'd walk to the train, we'd be drunk, talking shit. And then, uh, the train would come and Mark would be like, I was waiting for the next train. I'd be like, all right, next train. And then the train would come back, let's do one more. And then we'd just shit talk. We'd bitch about the state of the business. Yeah. We'd talk jokes, we'd do everything. And then we'd be like, all right, we got it all out for the week. We're good. Yeah. Now we can just be fucking humans. Yes, you need that.

• 1:38:12Speaker 07

  Subway therapy.

• 1:38:13Sam Morril?

  You need it. You need to get the shit out. We'll plug some dates. Uh, what do we got coming? Is this Rachel? Yeah. Rachel, where are you gonna be coming up?

• 1:38:18Speaker 05

  I'll be in, uh, Charlotte, um, Madison, uh, Rochester, Nashville, albeit, um, mothership in Austin.

• 1:38:27Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:38:27Speaker 05

  And Jersey and a lot of other places. I don't want to list them all and bore everybody, but just follow me at Rachel Feinstein.

• 1:38:32Sam Morril?

  Syracuse, Albany.

• 1:38:34Speaker 05

  Syracuse.

• 1:38:34Speaker 07

  Spokane.

• 1:38:35Speaker 05

  Albany.

• 1:38:35Sam Morril?

  Beverly, Mass, Fort Lauderdale, Tacoma, Spokane.

• 1:38:39Speaker 07

  Good Native American named towns. You know, like the strong native towns.

• 1:38:43Speaker 05

  Let's put up mothership next. It's not, I think it's not live yet.

• 1:38:46Mark Normand?

  Love it.

• 1:38:46Speaker 05

  And another date in for in LA for the Netflix is a joke.

• 1:38:51Sam Morril?

  Punchup.live slash Rachel Feinstein slash tickets.

• 1:38:55Mark Normand?

  Have you tapped into the firefighter?

• 1:38:57Speaker 07

  I was gonna ask about the firefighter.

• 1:38:58Speaker 05

  Big guy on Netflix. Sorry, go ahead.

• 1:38:59Mark Normand?

  Big guy on Netflix. Very funny. Have you tapped into the firefighter world?

• 1:39:04Speaker 05

  Half of my crowd is all.

• 1:39:05Mark Normand?

  That's amazing.

• 1:39:05Speaker 05

  First responder family. So I have to like split the difference of like not repeating firefighter jokes for people that don't care and then doing some amount of first responder. They all bring me their these like challenge coins. They bring me like presents and like patches and no, it's very touching. But yeah.

• 1:39:21Speaker 07

  My family's third responders.

• 1:39:22Speaker 05

  The more I give firefighters shit, the more they all come out. Yeah, they can take a joke. They're they're good hang.

• 1:39:27Mark Normand?

  Oh, they're the best.

• 1:39:27Speaker 05

  They're great hang.

• 1:39:28Mark Normand?

  They can drink too.

• 1:39:29Sam Morril?

  Scott, what do you so plug the new show, Scott?

• 1:39:31Speaker 07

  The new show is, uh, it's called Savvy. I mean, no, no, it's not even. See, I don't even know the name of the show. It's called Tech Savvy. The show's text savvy on the Savvy app, which is, I don't know when this episode comes out, but.

• 1:39:42Mark Normand?

  Twenty eight.

• 1:39:42Speaker 07

  Twenty eight. By February first, we should be exiting our beta launch, going five shows a week, nine PM Eastern time.

• 1:39:49Sam Morril?

  This is the HQ trivia guy.

• 1:39:50Speaker 07

  This is HQ trivia coming back and this is the first podcast.

• 1:39:53Sam Morril?

  And this was the biggest show in the fucking country for a minute.

• 1:39:56Speaker 07

  This is the biggest thing.

• 1:39:57Mark Normand?

  Yeah, huge.

• 1:39:57Speaker 07

  You were on fire, dude. Millions of people, millions of people.

• 1:40:00Sam Morril?

  And the HQ trivia doc on HBO?

• 1:40:02Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:40:02Sam Morril?

  You the only person who's a human in it?

• 1:40:03Speaker 07

  There's a documentary about it. Isn't that nuts?

• 1:40:05Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:05Mark Normand?

  I didn't know that.

• 1:40:06Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:40:06Speaker 05

  And I've been hearing stories about you forever from Sam. He always tells me about you.

• 1:40:10Sam Morril?

  Yeah.

• 1:40:11Speaker 05

  So it's actually getting to me as a person is exciting.

• 1:40:13Speaker 07

  It's it's.

• 1:40:14Sam Morril?

  We were all pals, the three of us and.

• 1:40:17Mark Normand?

  And four inches of Jewish steel.

• 1:40:18Speaker 07

  I'm right here. I'm right here. I'm gonna plug. Can I plug my dick? I used to tell people I'm black from the waist down. A black three year old. I'd also say things like, uh, you know, the people where they drive cars, sports cars to compensate for everything. By that logic, I should be driving an eighteen wheeler.

• 1:40:36Mark Normand?

  Ah.

• 1:40:37Speaker 07

  But my favorite one, well, close, I'll close up my section with this. You know, my girlfriend and I, we decided to mix things up a little bit. I sent her a dick pic. Moments later, she was raided by the FBI and booked on possession of child pornography.

• 1:40:51Mark Normand?

  Wow, that's great. There you go. Alright, let's see it.

• 1:40:56Speaker 07

  I'll be back in the clubs. I'll open for you. Bring me on the road. Take me. I wanna do it.

• 1:41:01Mark Normand?

  I don't know if I can fit that hog in my carry-on.

• 1:41:03Sam Morril?

  I got a...

• 1:41:04Speaker 07

  They do charge extra.

• 1:41:05Sam Morril?

  I'm at Omaha. I'm back in clubs to work out the special. Omaha Funny Bone, January 8th through 10th. And I'm at the DC Improv. I'll probably add a show there. And then we got, I just added a thing in Zanies because that sold out. We added Rosemont, February 4th.

• 1:41:17Mark Normand?

  Hell, good call.

• 1:41:19Sam Morril?

  Yeah, and then we got Stanford, Connecticut, February 12th through 14th. The following weekend I'll be at the Providence Comedy Connection.

• 1:41:25Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:41:25Sam Morril?

  That'll be up by then. Providence Comedy Connection just started that. And then we got, I believe both their shows are sold out for Tampa, the Tampa Theater for my special taping.

• 1:41:33Speaker 05

  That's my special.

• 1:41:34Sam Morril?

  I'll add on the 26th, so let's fucking...

• 1:41:36Mark Normand?

  Tampa taping.

• 1:41:37Sam Morril?

  February 26th. Tampa. Older Woman Tampa. Hope I see you there.

• 1:41:41Mark Normand?

  Yeah, go Bucks.

• 1:41:42Speaker 07

  December what? Here we go.

• 1:41:43Sam Morril?

  Yes, punchup.live/margnorman/tickets, punchup.live/samorrell/tickets as well. Same with Rachel.

• 1:41:50Speaker 07

  Playsavvy.live. That's the website. Playsavvy.live.

• 1:41:53Sam Morril?

  This is gonna be big, guys.

• 1:41:54Speaker 07

  This is gonna be big. You're the first ones to...

• 1:41:56Sam Morril?

  HQ was incredible.

• 1:41:57Mark Normand?

  Huge.

• 1:41:58Speaker 07

  Yeah. And it's invite-only right now, but I will extend to your listeners and your fans a free invitation. Just use code MICROPENUS at checkout.

• 1:42:06Sam Morril?

  Is there a link they can do it?

• 1:42:07Speaker 05

  Is that true? I believed you.

• 1:42:08Mark Normand?

  See? I believed him too.

• 1:42:10Speaker 07

  I'm too believable. This is why America loves me.

• 1:42:12Mark Normand?

  That's true.

• 1:42:13Speaker 05

  Add the code. It would do you well.

• 1:42:14Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 1:42:15Sam Morril?

  Where you at, Mark?

• 1:42:16Mark Normand?

  I am in Kansas City. Wait, no, that's already over. Des Moines, Iowa. Brea in Irvine County. Come on out, LA. And then Bend, Oregon. Not bragging. Grand Ron. Never heard of it. New Brunswick in Jersey. Vinnie Brand, stay off my stage. San Antonio at the LOL. Tulsa, baby. Never been that.

• 1:42:38Sam Morril?

  Vinnie Brand's gonna serve bodega cat at Stress Factory. Shout out, Vinnie.

• 1:42:42Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah. Indianapolis, Buffalo, helium, and...

• 1:42:47Sam Morril?

  Hopefully we cancel some of these to film a fucking movie, Mark. We'll see.

• 1:42:49Mark Normand?

  I'd be happy to.

• 1:42:51Sam Morril?

  We'll see.

• 1:42:52Mark Normand?

  And Portland, Maine. Thank you. Matty, where you gonna be?

• 1:42:55Speaker 02

  Stumble in.

• 1:42:56Mark Normand?

  Oh, that's right.

• 1:42:57Sam Morril?

  What night's, what night's you there, Matty?

• 1:42:58Speaker 02

  Monday night, Saturday day.

• 1:43:00Sam Morril?

  Nice.

• 1:43:01Mark Normand?

  Monday night, Saturday day.

• 1:43:02Speaker 02

  Crazy, stumble in.

• 1:43:03Sam Morril?

  That's a, that's a hell of a workload. Buy some, buy some Bodega Cat, bodeagacatwhiskey.com, DM the Instagram, Bodega Cat Whiskey, uh, and Matt will get back to you if you want it in your bar, but it's fucking everywhere now. I mean, we're going, I think we're about to fucking close at ShopRite. I mean, we're fucking cooking, dude. We're cooking. We're bleeding money, please, please get us, we're bleeding money.

• 1:43:23Speaker 07

  Oh, well, well, look, Matty, I, I brought gifts.

• 1:43:26Mark Normand?

  Oh, come on.

• 1:43:27Speaker 07

  Speaking of bleeding money.

• 1:43:29Mark Normand?

  Uh, tampon?

• 1:43:31Speaker 07

  Tampon for Tam, for the Tampa taping. No, I have gifts here, I brought two, I don't know if people will be here, but maybe I'll get Rachel, I'll get you a third one. This is, another thing that happened this year, a game came out with my face on it.

• 1:43:43Mark Normand?

  Whoa, this'll pay the bills.

• 1:43:45Speaker 07

  And my voice.

• 1:43:46Sam Morril?

  This is amazing, dude, holy shit.

• 1:43:48Speaker 07

  This is called The Good News Is, and, uh, boy, oh, boy, you want, you want to know the bad news on The Good News Is? Tariffs.

• 1:43:54Mark Normand?

  Oh, no, they fucked you?

• 1:43:56Speaker 07

  The tariffs fucked us.

• 1:43:58Mark Normand?

  Was this made in China?

• 1:43:59Speaker 07

  Fifteen thousand units were ordered by a certain retailer who I will not name. Tariffs came along, they canceled the order.

• 1:44:05Mark Normand?

  Oh.

• 1:44:06Speaker 07

  Five hundred stores nationwide it was supposed to be featured in.

• 1:44:09Mark Normand?

  That's horrible.

• 1:44:09Speaker 07

  Now, they're sitting in a warehouse in Indiana.

• 1:44:11Mark Normand?

  Well, can we do it online?

• 1:44:13Speaker 07

  They're not selling, yeah, with your whiskey, exactly. But they're available, twenty-five dollar shipped on Amazon, which is where they want you to buy it.

• 1:44:19Mark Normand?

  Okay.

• 1:44:20Speaker 07

  It's a great family gift for the holidays.

• 1:44:22Sam Morril?

  Damn, this looks fu, I'm gonna be playing this, dude.

• 1:44:24Mark Normand?

  Hell, yeah.

• 1:44:25Sam Morril?

  Maybe I'll have a party, we'll play some.

• 1:44:26Mark Normand?

  We can make this a drinking game.

• 1:44:27Speaker 07

  Let's do it, it's part of the show, he loved it, thank you, guys.

• 1:44:30Mark Normand?

  Thank you.

• 1:44:31Sam Morril?

  Love it, love you guys, uh, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, you guys are the best.

• 1:44:37Speaker 07

  He doesn't mean the Christmas part.

• 1:44:38Mark Normand?

  Oh, shit.

• 1:44:39Sam Morril?

  And Kwanzaa.

• 1:44:40Mark Normand?

  Yes, the celebration of lights.

• 1:45:19Speaker 06

  This fall, discover why there are two sides to every pancake story at Cracker Barrel. The edgy side, created by the golden crispy edges. And the softer side, made up of those warm fluffy centers. So slow down. Make time to bring in the family, day or night, and try the new Sweet Cream Caramel Apple Pancakes. Three of the world's best buttermilk pancakes topped with fried cinnamon apples, caramel drizzle, and sweet vanilla cream. Then dig in and write your own breakfast story. Welcome home to Cracker Barrel.