Protect Your Peace. Overcome Your Past. - W/ Whitney Cummings

Believe it or not, most of us are addicts and don’t even know it! Drugs and alcohol are not the only sources of addiction. Many of us go our entire lives addicted to approval from others, addicted to chaos, addicted to stress, addicted to material things, addicted to our own habits that don’t serve us. And the effects can be just as disastrous as substance abuse. My next guest this week is one of the most interesting, complex, and brilliant people I’ve ever had on the show I enjoyed this conversation so so much and I know it’s going to make a difference in your life She is one of the funniest comedians on the planet. She’s an actress, producer, writer, director, podcaster and so much more! Featured on Comedy Central, HBO, and Netflix, (a self-identified “Love Addict as well ) After months of chasing, I am THRILLED to have Whitney Cummings on the Ed Mylett Show! How does someone so human go on to achieve at such a high level of success? In this interview, Whitney breaks down the struggle with her addiction to chaos and reveals how you can use self-observation to identify and overcome your own toxic patterns. The older we become, the more we operate based on our past memories and experiences instead of operating from our imagination… of what is POSSIBLE in the future version of ourselves. This interview will help you identify and overcome destructive patterns that are holding you back from achieving fulfillment. Whitney is revealing her strategy on how to LOVE and LIVE more authentically and still create lasting relationships and friendships. It is time to EMBRACE what you truly want out of life, shatter your self-destructive patterns, and protect your PEACE. This is an EXPLOSIVE episode YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS! Whitney even shares her secret identifier of how to know if you are a true Alpha… and it is probably NOT what you expect! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ed Mylett?

  I hear so many small business owners say the exact same thing. They just never have enough time in the day. Well, I measure time differently. I've compressed, condensed, heck, I've bent time. My first day is 6:00 a.m. to noon. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6:00 P.M. And my third day, 6:00 P.M. to midnight. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month, over a year, over five years, and my life's completely different than it would have been otherwise. And if you want to win as an entrepreneur, you have to compress your time, too. And you definitely can't afford to waste it. Waiting weeks on a big bank for capital? Your best bet's to work with my friends at Cardiff. They know how to compress time for entrepreneurs. They get your business approved in minutes and funded the very same day. They're America's favorite small business lender, and for good reason.

• 0:45Ed Mylett?

  Over 20 years in business, over $12 billion deployed to small business across America. Stop letting bank delays slow down your momentum. Head to cardiff.co/ed. That's cardiff.co/ed. Cardiff.co. Real growth, fast funding. Cardiff. Borrow better.

• 1:01Speaker 01

  Mr. President, my company, for me, of the explosion on our rig.

• 1:05Speaker 02

  On October 2nd.

• 1:06Speaker 01

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 1:11Speaker 02

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess. And Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:18Speaker 01

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:22Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:25Speaker 01

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 1:27Speaker 02

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.

• 1:38Speaker 03

  This is the Ed Miliband Show.

• 1:46Ed Mylett?

  Welcome back to Max Out, everybody. Long story behind this, but like legit, I've chased this woman for probably a year. And I just, I got enough people to gang up to make her do this, that I've convinced her to come on the show. But she's a remarkable woman. Like, I'm a legitimate fan of who I think she is from observing her from a distance and from our mutual friends. She's a writer, an actress. I think primary career, you have to say, is comedian. She's a producer. She's a podcaster. And, uh, but she's super interesting. And so I'm so glad Whitney Cummings is on Max Out today. Welcome, Whitney.

• 2:25Whitney Cummings?

  What an honor. How nice.

• 2:27Ed Mylett?

  It's fine.

• 2:28Whitney Cummings?

  What is this? I don't know. I think it's just about the chase for you. I'm an enigma to you. You want what you can't have. I can't be this great.

• 2:35Ed Mylett?

  I can't have. Well, at least I have it for an hour today. By the way, I dig, if you're, if you're on audio, she's got pink hair today. And I'm reading about you because I, it's obviously your IQ kind of shines through. You're Ivy League educated.

• 2:49Whitney Cummings?

  Yes, sir. What? No. Okay. You want your fans to hate me? Why open with this?

• 2:52Ed Mylett?

  No, I, I think it's an interesting, I don't know, duality that, you know, you're able to do comedy. You're obviously, some people think you're very pretty and you've, I'm a married man, so I say it that way. Uh, but like, I'm like, her IQ's through the roof. It's obvious the way that you communicate about things. This, this interview today, guys, isn't going to sound like you're just talking to a comedian. You're going to, this, when I say just a comedian, I just mean there's such depth to you. But then I'm researching, I'm like, she, she went to Penn, for God's sake. She's Ivy League educated. It's starting to make sense. So.

• 3:22Whitney Cummings?

  Yeah, I, I, I definitely think a lot of what I've achieved is because people just had such a low standard for me. That is a big, that is a big part of success. Just make sure the bar is so low that you're always going to exceed it.

• 3:33Ed Mylett?

  Well, I have a huge bar for today, so let's step up here. So I, I was reading about you and it's weird. Like you just feel like you connect with people and I grew up in a alcoholic family. My dad, and I have this theory, my first job out of college, after I got released from playing baseball, I worked at a group home, like an orphanage for boys. And I developed, all my boys were all wards of the court, so their, their parents were either dead, incarcerated, or had probably like molested them. And I had this, developed this theory by working with my boys that people that come from a certain level of dysfunction, I think our eyes are a little different. Like, we just want to be loved and believed in and cared for. Everybody does, but maybe we wanted a little bit more and we link achievement to doing that too, I think, sometimes.

• 4:18Ed Mylett?

  But your upbringing is not all that dissimilar. So just give people context to maybe a little bit about your upbringing, which might explain a little bit of the other parts of your life.

• 4:28Whitney Cummings?

  Well, I just want to say really quick a response to that because you know, you're being so authentic and vulnerable and your fan base, you know, must obviously respond and relate, uh, which is why there you have such a rabid, um, fan base. But yeah, I mean, I think if you worked hard for approval when you were young, you work hard the rest of your life, you know? It's kind of, um, I used to look at growing up in an alcoholic home as, you know, I was a victim and poor me and you know, I now look back at an alcoholic just, you know, as you said, and I felt the need to clarify alcoholism. You know, we say in order for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't always have to be present. Addiction shows up in many different ways where it's a mom that's obsessed with cooking or cleaning, or if it's an obsession with making Christmas perfect,

• 5:10Whitney Cummings?

  or if it's a love addiction or a drama addiction or, uh, you know, parents fought. Alcoholism, sometimes people think that they had to like see a whiskey bottle for alcoholism to be present. So you saying dysfunction, I think was, you know, important, but, um, uh, so that people don't feel like, oh, I think I had chaos, but I didn't have. A lot of people like to minimize their trauma or experience because there wasn't, uh, a drunk in the house.

• 5:36Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 5:36Whitney Cummings?

  Um, we can be drunk on rage, we can be drunk on control, we can be drunk on, uh, perfectionism, we can be drunk on anxiety and all sorts of things. Another person, a behavior, you know, we see it now with social media. Addiction shows it's, um, you know, uh, we can be addicted to a lot of things besides just actual alcohol. So it took me a while to understand that because I didn't see a lot of alcohol growing up. Uh, I didn't realize I grew up in an alcoholic home till much later. I just thought my parents fought a lot. I just thought they were, um, you know, uh, like that. I just thought my mom went to bed at 6:30. I like, I, you know, it's like, as a kid, you don't understand what's happening, you know? You and, and, and we're amazing, our brains are amazing. You know, I know you had Dr. Huberman on about, um, uh, and talked about, uh, brain plasticity.

• 6:20Whitney Cummings?

  Like we can adapt to a crazy situation very quickly and we can make up our own narrative about what's happening. Mom's tired, mom has a headache, like what, we don't know what alcoholism is when we're five. We believe our parents, they're heroes, you know? So, um, but I, when you grow up in alcoholic home or dysfunctional home, you end up having to work a little bit harder, uh, to get attention. You end up having to be funny, you end up having to pretend you're sick or pretending you're hurt or. Taking risks or being loud or all these sort of

• 6:53Whitney Cummings?

  maladaptive behaviors, sometimes they're called character defects. I like to call them superpowers because as I get older, I'm like, God, I have all these freaking tools and weapons and superpowers that a lot of people don't have. And so, I don't know, I'm one of those adversity is good people.

• 7:13Ed Mylett?

  That's incredible you say that. I got interviewed on Friday and I said it just occurred to me at almost 50 years old that these are actually, I use the word superpowers of mine.

• 7:21Whitney Cummings?

  Superpowers.

• 7:22Ed Mylett?

  And I think you talk about anxiety. I don't know if you agree with this or not, but like, there's all this notion like you should avoid all anxiety, avoid all stress, and I think there's an element that you should avoid some of it. But also, these things are like signals for growth, signals for improvement. They're like catalysts for change too, right? Like, I don't want to have a life completely devoid of stress, completely devoid of anxiety. It's kind of like, I think the contrast of emotions makes life a little bit richer. Or do you like totally disagree with that?

• 7:49Whitney Cummings?

  No, I'm no, we're brats. We're total brats. And there's this war on anxiety, as if it's something we should get rid of and cure and fix. And yes, there are legitimate anxiety disorders. I'm not a scientist. I'm not a psychiatrist. I've seen it. I have someone in my family that has a debilitating, can't get out of bed anxiety disorder, requires medication. That's not what we're talking about. Like this thing of I should never have anxiety, you know? We say, and you know, I'm not an AAM, an Al-Anon, but in 12-step programs, we say alcoholics are the only people that believe they deserve to be happy all the time, that they should be having fun all the time, like that's this. And I think we're all like these petulant children now who are like, I should never have anxiety or fear.

• 8:30Whitney Cummings?

  Like anxiety and fear are why our species has proliferated. It keeps us safe. Anxiety, this is our friend. Anxiety gets us out of bad situations, gets us out of bad relationships. It's our, on one hand, people don't realize how hypocritical they are when they talk about this stuff. They'll be like, trust your gut. Get away my anxiety. It's like they're the same thing. Your gut anxiety, that is your gut speaking to you. It's important information, you know, anxiety motivates us. It moves us like you just said. It informs us. It tells us whether someone's good for us or bad for us, whether we should lean into a situation or lean out of a situation. So and also sometimes I think people conflate anxiety and excitement, anxiety and nervousness.

• 9:11Whitney Cummings?

  There are a lot of things that we should absolutely be anxious about right now, you know, like it'd be weird if we weren't like we'd be numb zombies. Like we have this new petulant thing where we never think we should be uncomfortable. Like it's a healthy reaction to be anxious about money. Like you should be, if you're not, then you're delusional. That's worse. So if you have $10 in your, if you just overdrafted your bank account, you should feel anxiety.

• 9:41Whitney Cummings?

  You, if you don't, then you're delusional. So I would rather have anxiety than delusion.

• 9:47Ed Mylett?

  See, you're the first person I heard say that. It was in an interview I was watching of yours and I'm like, that's 100% true. But I'm curious, because you're always really, you said, I'm going to be authentic on today's show and I like to think I am most of the time too. And, and it's weird when it's sometimes when I am vulnerable, because people do come to me for help in these areas, like they do you too. Sometimes you, you sometimes feel like I wonder if I'm sharing too much stuff and, but for me, I watched you say something. And it hit me because I don't know that I've broken this completely. You said, I think I was almost like unconscious in my twenties. Meaning like, you know, you're, and I'll let you explain what you meant by it, but in my version of it is like, I've always just been going. And I thought, you know, I've teach people all these tools. I thought like, am I really over that?

• 10:31Ed Mylett?

  Like, am I still as present and as conscious as I could be? And I think a lot of achievers listen to my stuff, or at least want to be achievers. And they're addicted to this, you know, one of the things Huberman probably said on your show too, is like, turns out you get more dopamine in the pursuit of something than you do when you achieve it. So this notion that I have to keep getting things, but for me, it was like, if I can get there and then this next one, this next one, this next one. And I look back now and I always want to say to people, because I'm one of the older people now in the space, like I wasn't present enough. I did not enjoy the ride as much as I could have. What changed for you, if it did in your thirties, that you didn't do in your twenties?

• 11:12Whitney Cummings?

  You know, for me in my twenties, I was unconscious. You know, I was a complete puppet of fear and workaholism. And I was a little bit of a zombie, you know. I thought the only thing, you know, I equated, you know, productivity with my self-worth. I derived my self-esteem from productivity. Still do, just the motives are a little cleaner. You know, it was, it was when I was in my twenties, I didn't know how to measure twice, cut once. I was working 10 times as hard, not working smart. I just wanted to keep busy because I was in pain. And I was so desperate to make it. I was so desperate for approval.

• 11:52Whitney Cummings?

  I was so desperate to be loved that I was just a sort of unconscious, like Tasmanian devil. Just like, am I this person? Am I this person? You know, running from, whether it was relationship to relationship, job to job. I also was just, grew up without money. I didn't have money. So I was also just trying to make money. And, and you know, I think it is, who was it was saying that your IQ goes down when you're worried about money? Andrew Yang, who I think you're having on soon. And I don't know who did the study, not a scientist, but when you're worried about money, your IQ does go down. So I also was so scared of not having money, but also at the same time, spending irresponsibly. And, you know, had a shopping addiction and all that.

• 12:36Whitney Cummings?

  So I, I, I personally, you know, I know people are going to make fun of me in the comments. I do identify as an addict. I know I say that on every podcast. I just don't want to be going like, this is just how women are. This is just how, you know, people that grew up in alcohol cones are like, I very much identify as an addict. So I was, I was very addicted to drama. I was in bad relationships. I was cheating. I was recreating my childhood circumstances subconsciously. I was recreating that familiar pain, you know? Who is it that said, I'd rather have familiar pain than unfamiliar comfort? Like I, I would, you know, I grew up in chaos. I grew up with adrenaline and cortisol.

• 13:18Whitney Cummings?

  I, you know, you know, when you see people that are just like in dramatic things and you're like, how, how is that enjoyable to them? It is, it's a drug. Adrenaline turns into dopamine. It feels good. And I didn't know serenity. I didn't know calm. And you know, there was this one quote that I, I'm going to pretend I'm smarter than I am.

• 13:39Whitney Cummings?

  Flo, does Athena want to look this up? Flo Bear. Flo Bear was a philosopher who said, "Be serene in your personal life so you can be violent in your work." I want to say.

• 13:51Ed Mylett?

  Wow.

• 13:52Whitney Cummings?

  I thought my life had to be chaotic to like be a good artist. I thought I had to like, you know, for life to imitate art, your life has to be wild so that your art's wild. Like, I just had this really romanticized idea of like, I actually now know that the most successful people are the most boring fucking people.

• 14:12Ed Mylett?

  So true.

• 14:13Whitney Cummings?

  That have the most regiment. And I look at you and like, I, as I was doing some research on you and I'm like, of course, he's been married forever and is in a rela- of course, because you cannot be on dating apps all day and be chasing women and being in acrimonious relationships and like fighting with people and throwing phones across the room and achieve what you've achieved. So I hadn't learned, I associated success with chaos. I was like, oh my God, all these like famous actors and directors, they, you know, and actresses, they have 10 husbands and they, you know, cheat on their, and their, I thought chaos was sexy and glamorous and that's what success was.

• 14:55Ed Mylett?

  And there's that addiction too. I'm really glad you're willing to say this stuff because I've been writing a lot lately. I'm trying to figure out what I want to write about next. But one of the things I've been writing about is this addiction we have. You can really operate out of two patterns in your life. You can operate out of what I call like imagination or memory, history or vision. And when you're young, when you're a child, you operate out of the imagination pattern more often because you're exploring new things, you're imagining, you're dreaming. And the more you begin to collect memories and have history, the more you begin to operate. It's kind of like reading. You don't actually read words. Your mind is remembering, reading it before and it imprints this pattern. Well, like grownups do that.

• 15:37Ed Mylett?

  And if you're not aware of it, like most people live most of their life out of memory and not imagination. They repeat the same patterns, the same cycles to your point like of these emotions. It's like heroin. It's like, I'm gonna find a way to get my anxiety. I'm gonna find a way to get my chaos. And you create these external situations that give you these memorable patterns in your life that are your home. But I'm really curious about you because I watch you and it still seems to me like you work incredibly hard. Are you happy now?

• 16:06Whitney Cummings?

  Great question, but can I just say really quick, I love what you're saying because it took me so long to, because I had this story about myself when I was younger, that no one understood me and that I was different than everyone because I, you know, I had an older sister that kind of was cooler than me and I felt rejected by, I was the youngest, which a lot of us overachievers are the youngest and we had to sort of shape shift and find our way into being seen in an already established system. We had to be unctuous to narcissists to get attention, we had to be useful to get attention, that was a big thing. We had to be sick to get attention, I learned really early on, if I was sick or injured, I got attention.

• 16:51Whitney Cummings?

  We had to be too thin to get attention, for all the women listening, or we had to, you know, I found when I had an eating disorder and I started starving myself, everyone was like, "Are you okay?", and I was like, "Ooh, this works, like this", you know, you know, so really examining the things that worked when you were younger that got you attention and the things you're still subconsciously doing that you think you need to do in order to get love, money, sex, or whatever it is that you think you want. Am I happy now? I, the word happy, I'm so neurotic, the word happy freaks me out a little bit because I don't, you know, again, Al-Anons, as I identify codependents, we are sort of emotionally

• 17:34Whitney Cummings?

  dyslexic, we feel alive in a time of crisis and when things are calm, we are anxious because we are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When things are going well, we have a Damocles sword hanging and we're like, "Oh, when's that?", so, you know, and fun feels like work for us, we're the ones that go to the party, we're the ones that go to the party and just want to like clean up, we're the ones that are just cleaning up because fun feels like pressure and we're perfectionists and we're like, "I'm not having enough fun, I'm not having fun the right way, how am I?", like, I'm the person at the wedding that's like, I just document, I just take pictures and video because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing.

• 18:10Ed Mylett?

  Really?

• 18:11Whitney Cummings?

  Yes, I feel, I don't, I can't get massages, I feel like I'm performing for the person and I don't want to disappoint them by not being relaxed enough, like I'm constantly analyzing how good of a job I'm doing at fun or relaxation or whatever. We're overachiever.

• 18:29Whitney Cummings?

  Sort of spirits who and I love us and we're amazing and we are great inventors and everyone listening to your podcast are gonna solve all the problems that are currently in the news because they're listening to you and never lose that and I I am not an anti perfectionist unless it's making your life unmanageable and actually ends up being debilitating but you know I have a hard time with the happiness thing because I don't I don't know what it's supposed to look like and I never think I'm doing a good enough job like I have a hard time at parties because I'm like am I like am I supposed to be the life of the party like

• 19:05Whitney Cummings?

  I need to know my role and I I like to say fulfilled instead of happy because fulfilled and and proud that that's where I derive my happiness from I get full from acts of service and acts of completion and from productivity right so if productivity and cooperation makes dopamine I am very unoriginal I like to rescue a dog I needed to get it out of the shelter find it a home put it in the home I'm happy like I need completion and I know that about myself like I need the beginning middle and the end so I won't be

• 19:46Whitney Cummings?

  happy until the task is achieved so I know that about myself though so I know that if I'm gonna exercise I I don't do as good of a job as you clearly I know that if I go if I go to work out and I don't have something I want to achieve I'm gonna feel like shit after so if I just go to the gym and I'm like walking on the treadmill and kind of checking my phone and kind of like do a couple sit-ups and kind of lose track of what I'm doing then afterwards I'm like oh god I'm such a piece of shit I don't and you know when you don't know if you've accomplished the goal or not?

• 20:19Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 20:20Whitney Cummings?

  But if I go in and say I'm gonna do 100 push-ups 100 sit-ups 100 squats 100 whatever and I do them all I feel good I feel happy because I I have proof.

• 20:31Whitney Cummings?

  That I should be happy and that I've completed the thing.

• 20:33Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 20:34Whitney Cummings?

  So I know how my brain works and I know that I need proof that things are going well to think things are going well.

• 20:42Ed Mylett?

  No, it makes those, I gotta tell you, like, the healthy thing about this is, I think you're some, I think you prove a little bit, like, self-awareness is such a huge thing in life, because a lot of the negative things about ourselves, when we become aware of them, it loses its power over us, and we can kind of start leveraging them to our benefit, like, to your point earlier, instead of letting them go. Like, one of the things I try to, I teach, I think I do well, the older I've been getting, is I teach a concept called blissful dissatisfaction, which means people conflate two things. Achievers think, if I enjoy this, I'm gonna lose all my ambition and drive. That's like my recipe, is I just don't enjoy things and I'll keep achieving, because they think happiness and satisfaction are the same thing. They're completely different.

• 21:25Whitney Cummings?

  Yeah.

• 21:25Ed Mylett?

  And then other people think, I'm gonna delay this bliss until a certain destination, but they keep moving to destination. So I think ultimate thing is, and I'm that way too, it has to be definable for me, it can't be just like, yeah, I did something. But I was, I, you have this great movie, The Female Brain, and I want to talk to the women, my audience is probably about, I think it's about 58, 42 women. And

• 21:50Whitney Cummings?

  Cool.

• 21:50Ed Mylett?

  Women, you almost have a bigger responsibility, to some extent, to understand these things and begin to work on them, because you're making other humans. And, but I was reading some of your stuff.

• 22:06Whitney Cummings?

  You guys make them too.

• 22:07Ed Mylett?

  Well, you carry them. And

• 22:09Whitney Cummings?

  Yeah.

• 22:10Ed Mylett?

  And you have a lot to do with epigenetic imprinting. And that's the difference. And so I want you to talk a little bit about that concept, because this is something, it's, not a lot of people are aware of, even the neuroscientists that have been on my show, it's not something a lot of them talk about, but it's a real thing.

• 22:27Whitney Cummings?

  Because, I'm gonna, can I be really just

• 22:29Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 22:29Whitney Cummings?

  Direct? And I'm not a scientist, again, I mean, because most of the fucking scientists are men and they don't study women's shit. They want to study their own shit. And I think people forget that scientists and doctors are human beings with biases, and they study what's fucking interesting to them, and they study what affects them. And, you know, I have, um, For all the women listening, you'll understand this. Like, I've had chronic migraines my entire life. And no one fucking knows. There's no solution to migraines because it's mostly women that get them. And unfortunately, most of the people that do research are men. So no one has made it a priority to try to solve for migraines because it just, I'm like, "Aren't you sick of your wife having a fucking headache? Like, at least do it." Right. Everyone's dated a woman that, I mean, maybe not you because you're a serial monogamist,

• 23:13Whitney Cummings?

  but everyone's has, gonna have a daughter or has a sister or something that suffers migraines. I remember going to the ER in, at Cedar Sinai in Los Angeles, and I, I used to get these blinding migraines where the whole left side of my body would go numb and I couldn't see. And it was, um, it's actually been a really big part of why I've gone the course of my life that I've gone. And, um, and I remember going to the doctor and going like, "What causes this?" And he just went, "We don't know." And I'm like, "What do you mean, 'we don't know'?" So, so in terms of the epigenetic imprinting, that is something that is about what happens to a fetus in utero. And unfortunately, I can say this as a comedian, there's a little bit of like, "Ew, that's

• 23:58Whitney Cummings?

  a girl thing. We're gonna go focus on..." I mean, all these scientists are focusing on how to make people run faster. We don't, why do we need to run faster? What the fuck are we doing? Why are all the good scientists wasting all their time trying to figure out how to get people to like, like, be better at running and lifting? Who gives a... You know what I mean? Like, why don't we just take steroids? Like, we have the... We have a shortcut. Like, why are, like, why did, what is this thing now where every, we're wasting our great scientists on like, performance-enhancing, like, creatine and shit? Joe Rogan is a very, very good friend of mine, but can we use the scientists for something else, please?

• 24:39Whitney Cummings?

  It's like, okay, well, we're trying to turn everyone into David Goggins all of a sudden. No one, no one's drafting you. You're 45. You're not gonna make it into the NFL, no matter how many Huberman podcasts you listen to. Can we please figure out migraines?

• 24:54Ed Mylett?

  Well, duct tape works, according to you, right? Like, you travel with duct tape.

• 24:57Whitney Cummings?

  I travel, well, duct tape goes over all of lights, all of the lights in my hotel room. I have, you really did a deep dive on me.

• 25:04Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, you even nail it if you're gonna be on a long tour.

• 25:06Whitney Cummings?

  I do, oh my god. So, I digress. Epigenetic, it did kind of throw me.

• 25:14Ed Mylett?

  You're like, you know too much, dude.

• 25:15Whitney Cummings?

  Well, you know, you know what it is? It made my brain, I'll tell you exactly what happened. I just went, oh god, what else does he know?

• 25:20Ed Mylett?

  A lot.

• 25:21Whitney Cummings?

  I overshare.

• 25:22Ed Mylett?

  Off camera, yeah.

• 25:23Whitney Cummings?

  I am an overshare. If you know about the duct tape, you know about a lot of other things.

• 25:28Ed Mylett?

  I'm glad you cleared up that the duct tape was four, though, because that could have.

• 25:34Whitney Cummings?

  Um, no, duct tape, we don't, we don't do sexual duct tape.

• 25:37Ed Mylett?

  Right, no, lights.

• 25:38Whitney Cummings?

  I have a house. I don't do things like that. I'm, I'm a bottom. I'm a power bottom. Um, uh, you know, the epigenetic imprinting thing was so fascinating to me because I'm, you know, now knowing that your fanbase has a lot of women, and by the way, this whole, like, men-women thing is so ridiculous. Like, for the people that are men that are listening, you have a wife, you have a daughter, you have a girlfriend, you have, you know, you have a mother, like, this is important information for everybody. I struggled for so long with this story, uh, that women are crazy and they're emotional and they're psycho and they're, all these superpowers that we were talking about before have been pathologized into negatives. Bitches are crazy, they're stalkers, they're psychos. It's like, wait

• 26:22Whitney Cummings?

  a second, but they're also, you mean, the synonyms, hypervigilant, sensitive, like, this is why our species is so successful, because these bitches were crazy back in the day, and they were like, do you hear that noise? Let's get the fuck out of here, you know? So, I'm obsessed with how we pathologize all these incredible traits that we evolved to have to be excellent at surviving. Anxiety. Anxiety is why we. Survived. I mean, imagine not having a, there was no one in tribal times when there was a lion forty feet away that was like, "Guys, we gotta fix this anxiety problem we have." "Go, like, get the fuck out of here." Like, anxiety is super useful. So I'm obsessed with that, for whatever reason.

• 27:03Whitney Cummings?

  And then, um, I was a little bit obsessed with the ancestral trauma we carry, the things that we inherited, honestly, and why, and just from a comedian brain, like when someone's like, "That woman, that bitch is crazy." My brain would always go, "That woman, that woman's dad dropped the ball." Like, I always go to the parents, and it's just a comedian brain thing, where whenever someone would talk shit about their girlfriend or boyfriend, I would be like, you know, and my therapist trained me to do this too. She's also a big part of my 12-step program work, where I would be like complaining about somebody, like, "This girl was gossiping about me, and then she said all this mean stuff, and she made a negative comment," and my therapist would go, "Sounds like she's in a lot of pain."

• 27:46Whitney Cummings?

  And I'd be like, "What?" Like, she just would never go there. She would always go to the root of the thing. So I'm obsessed with the root of the thing. And what's, um, what else, what's behind it, right? So all, if all anger is just sadness, why are we even talking about anger? Why do we ever talk about anger? Because it's all just sadness. It's crazy to talk about what it's been transmuted into, because that's just, it's pointless, right? It's the shrapnel. So epigenetic imprinting I started learning about, where essentially whatever neurochemicals a fetus was subjected to in utero, they will be born being addicted to. The same way, you know, we talk about quote "crack babies," babies that are born being addicted to heroin, crack, whatever drug their mom was doing.

• 28:31Whitney Cummings?

  You know, the neurochemicals we have in our brain, we call that the internal medicine cabinet. They're still drugs. Dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, these are drugs. And if your mother, while she was in utero with you, was going through stress, I mean, truly every mother right now, in a pandemic, who's pregnant? I can't imagine they're not producing adrenaline, cortisol. Your buddy Huberman can probably speak more to this.

• 28:59Whitney Cummings?

  And so I do know that my mother was in a chaotic situation when I was in utero. I was not planned. It was an acrimonious relationship and I was born addicted to cortisol and adrenaline. And I subconsciously would seek that out and have, you know, chaotic relationships. And, you know, learning about it really helped me forgive myself because I think for the longest time I was like, well, I guess I'm just crazier. I have my pickers off. It's like, no dude, I'm just addicted to these chemicals. And like, the good news is we know what to do. 28 days, you can make a new neural pathway. It's gonna suck for like 28 days, but you can totally break an addiction. But I just, there's this over, you know, I love what

• 29:44Whitney Cummings?

  you do because you're about growth and edification without over pathologizing people. There's a little bit in this like self-help life coach community where I think there's an over pathologization and over self-victimization where everyone has to have like a mental illness.

• 30:01Ed Mylett?

  Right.

• 30:02Whitney Cummings?

  Now, like everyone has to have like, like it's like they want it all to be sick.

• 30:08Ed Mylett?

  You're right.

• 30:09Whitney Cummings?

  It's like, you know, because look, it goes back to gets you attention, it gets you followers, it gets you, you know, and I think that it's okay to be okay also. It's okay to not have had things be hard. It's okay to get better.

• 30:21Ed Mylett?

  You're so right.

• 30:22Whitney Cummings?

  But you can examine yourself without over pathologizing. And I think it was like, oh no, I was just born with an addiction to adrenaline. It's not that I don't have to be, you know, clinically depressed or bipolar or schizophrenic or suicidal. I don't have to be all those things. Even though things were bad, they don't have to be worse.

• 30:43Ed Mylett?

  Are they, are they different now? Like, you know, like in relationships, for example, for you, really, by the way, I want to go back for a second. I'm really glad you shared that because the more you understand about yourself, guys, the more you can begin to change things. And I love what you said about you don't have to suffer in extremes with these things either in order to just want to make some adjustments in your life. And one of the reasons I love watching you, hopefully I have a little bit of this.

• 31:06Whitney Cummings?

  And you don't have to be defined by your trauma. It doesn't have to be your only identity. You know, I think it's so exciting when you do unlock the reason you are the way you are. We're gonna go, "Oh, my God, this isn't that big of a deal. My mom was just a malignant narcissist." But then you don't have to go around and tell everyone and re-embed the trauma and be defined by it and have it be the only.

• 31:24Ed Mylett?

  Right, because then, everybody, that's when you begin to just operate out of memory and history. And your life becomes this pattern. Like, there'll be some different external circumstances, but three more years later, you know, things are kind of like they were before because you're operating out of memory and history instead of imagination and vision in the future. And that sounds really corny, but it's an absolute fact. It's just being intentional. Like, I'm going to intentionally begin to do this. There's a, it's one of the things, I had a really, I know you'll know who he is, but I had a real blessing when I was young. I'm running on a beach in Hawaii. Like, I won some little contest to go to Hawaii. First time I've ever been there. I'm getting up to run early. Wayne Dyer's running in the other direction in the morning.

• 32:01Whitney Cummings?

  I don't know who that is.

• 32:03Ed Mylett?

  Oh, gosh, you gotta go look him up. Okay, Wayne Dyer is like one of the great all-time, I'll just call him a thought leader, thinker, but a lot of the stuff that I believe and that I teach and stuff was born out of him. Everybody should go look up Wayne Dyer. He passed away a few years ago. But he had this great book he wrote called The Power of Intention. I met him when he was writing it. And I gotta tell you, like, self-confidence oftentimes for me doesn't come from like my ability to do something. It comes from my intention to serve. Like, a lot of people, their, their self-confidence is contingent on performance, so it becomes this never-ending loop of not having any. So, if me achieving is gonna have to be predicated on self-confidence, but only get it by achieving, I never get there. Whereas at some point, I just

• 32:45Ed Mylett?

  went, "You know what? I'm a good guy. I intend to do good. I intend, I intend to serve. I intend to make a difference." And I generate a ton of comfort and confidence from my intentions. And then I started to achieve, and now I've got some experience. And now I'm not operating out of memory. So, that sounds real theoretical, but all of you, just ask yourself, "Do I intend to help people? Am I a good person? I should generate confidence and comfort from that." And not enough people talk about it. It's something that's really changed my life.

• 33:12Whitney Cummings?

  I'm trying to put it in, in, um, the way I would say that so that I understand it, because it took me a second, because yes, your, your mind is wild. Um, uh...

• 33:25Whitney Cummings?

  I'm enough.

• 33:26Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 33:27Whitney Cummings?

  You know, and often our actions, you know, it took me a long time to realize that not taking an action is an action. I know that's so basic, but it took me so long that not saying something is a very strong statement. And I, because my, what we call a disease in program, I'm happy, I'm fine with saying that just because it is progressive and if you don't do anything about it, it will continue. Is about taking an action. And taking an action is a drug. It is doing something. You want to do something, you want to send that email, you want to, even if you're going to make the situation worse, you want to pick up that phone call, even though you have a pit in your stomach, you want to take that drink, you want to, you know, flirt with that

• 34:10Whitney Cummings?

  girl, you want to DM that person, whatever the action you want to take to get that neurochemical drive. And not doing something is oftentimes more valuable than doing something, even if it's what you're saying. You know, we say in Al-Anon, don't just do something sit there. And if you're doing something and your motive is to make people like you look, seem like a good person, how often are we doing things just because we want other people to tell other people that we did something nice? I mean, yuck. You know, and, or you're being unctuous. So when you say, I don't always have to take an action in order to be of value, it's like sometimes we take actions for the wrong reasons and the wrong motives and they make us feel like shit about ourselves because we know why we did them, right?

• 34:53Whitney Cummings?

  So it's like, for me, when I'm like, oh God, why did I just go up to that person and do that thing? And oh God, I wish I had done nothing because now that's going to corrode my self-esteem because now I know I'm full of shit because I did this thing for the wrong reasons and now, you know.

• 35:08Ed Mylett?

  Do you, do you ever get out of, sorry to interrupt you, do you ever get out of, because like people like you and I that, I don't know, we're intentionally living, like most people that listen to my show the way, like they're really thinking about their life and what it's going to mean and what they're going to do with it. And I find there's a point where you can almost do too much of that. It's like, I speak on stage and you're a comedian. So I don't know for you, but when I watch other people speak, I have a very hard time just simply enjoying them speaking because I'm watching them work. I'm breaking down, wow, I really like how they move their hands there. Wow, watch how they use silence. How cool. They're, they're a legit speaker. They use silence or their sentences are different words so they don't have the same patterns or they change your eye line. And so I have a hard time. And I think in life.

• 35:54Ed Mylett?

  You know, all of you that are evaluating yourselves, you have to be careful not to be in constant analysis of yourself and just be sometimes too, right? I'm wondering how that's shown up for you. How are you different now in your 30s in a relationship than you were in your 20s with a significant other? How are you different that way?

• 36:12Whitney Cummings?

  That's a great question. I'm gonna try to do my best to answer it. I do really wanna say, I do wanna say real quick about what you just said. You know, my theory about why comedians are so miserable, you know, everyone says comedians are miserable, it's because we can't enjoy comedy. Because we watch it the way you watch speakers. You know, it's like, I can't, I can't watch movies, I make movies, I can't watch movies anymore because I'm too busy going like, oh, the sound is off and the continuity is off and that extra, it's like, I'm so over analyzing it that the, I make escapist things for a living. Now I can't escape because escapist things are my job.

• 36:48Ed Mylett?

  Yes, and I think that could, I gotta tell you, Whitney, I think that can show up in relationships too, where you're in the midst of analyzing it all this time instead of being in it and maybe even analyzing ourselves.

• 37:00Whitney Cummings?

  Yeah, no, it's, it's, it's, it's interesting, you know, it's, and for everybody listening, you're all, you're the chosen ones, you know, you're the ones that have chosen, once you see yourself, you can't unsee yourself. Once you decide to be the awake ones, you can't go back to sleep, you know, you can't, you know, they say that the people that leave rehab that always relapse the hardest because they've gotten some knowledge they can't unknow, and so they have to relapse even harder. They have to do even more drugs because now they have been enlightened, you know, you can't unknow something, you can unlearn, you can, you know, weaken a muscle or a neural pathway, but there's kind of no going back once you've analyzed yourself, you know.

• 37:42Whitney Cummings?

  For me, I think, what I will say is, in my 20s, I was, you know, and I wrote about this in my book and people know this, like, I was, I identify now as a love addict who, you know, which, I'm not gonna explain it well, for all of you, there are people that talk about it much more elegantly than I will, but for me, it manifested in you put someone on a pedestal, you kind of ignore red flags, you project onto people, you're attracted to people who have the negative qualities of your primary caretakers to sort of... You know, we call it unfinished business. You know, like the people that sort of poke at your invisible wounds and recreate your childhood circumstances so you can go back into that role and your inner child is kind

• 38:26Whitney Cummings?

  of running the show and they give you that familiar blend of adrenaline and cortisol and insecurity. And you have to audition for their approval every day and, you know, it's, they just give you drugs. They make you, you know, restless, irritable, discontent, all the things that give you the adrenaline you need. It's not real love. I always, I always want to get into the semantic argument of like, it's not love addiction because it's not love. So you can't call it love addiction, you know, because that's not what love is. It's, you know, and it's, you're not operating from a place of choice. It's making your life unmanageable. You know, you're in meetings checking your phone to see if he texted, you know, it's, we, I like to define addiction as the way it's defined in program.

• 39:10Whitney Cummings?

  You know, they say something that's making your life unmanageable, but also when it stops being a choice and when it stops being fun. You know, we've all fell in love with people that we don't like. So that, that might be the biggest difference. I think, I think when I was in my twenties, I was in love with a lot of people that I didn't respect or like. I think I conflated love and pity.

• 39:31Whitney Cummings?

  A big one. I also got, derived my self-worth from how useful and I was and how much someone else needed me. I conflated codependence and interdependence. For those of you watching, I didn't make this up, but you know, Georgia, my, my therapist and 12-step, you know, sponsor tells me relationships, I'm holding my hands sort of right by my, for the people listening, should look like this, they shouldn't look like this. So if two trains are on two separate tracks, they can go forever, but as soon as they move together, they'll crash, right?

• 40:13Whitney Cummings?

  So she would hold out her hand and say, if you hold something like this, if your hand's flat, if you hold a handful of sand like this, you can hold it forever, but if you hold it like this, you're going to lose it. If you chase something, you're gonna chase it away. So it took me so long to understand, only do 50% in your relationships. I thought it was, I was the person that was like, when you'd say, why did it end? I'd say, well, I just loved him too much. That's like the telltale sign of an unrecovered codependent, right? You think you're someone's mother, you're someone's psychiatrist, you're their financial advisor. You, you know, it's incest, basically. I wanted someone that needed me, that was a mess. Like, I, I, I had this sort of romanticized, very sick idea of what love was supposed to look like.

• 40:59Whitney Cummings?

  And I wanted it to be based in need, uh, instead of want. And obligation instead of choice. And I was so afraid of abandonment that I would manipulate. I mean, this is sort of like the, you know, why, what I've been working on. Is not manipulating, beguiling, because this is what we do, you know? It's interesting, like, it took me a long time to realize, like, if you're not gonna be authentic with somebody, you're, you know, all, all of this stuff you talk about, you know, service and, and giving and being authentic. If it helps anyone, it's, it's selfish. You win, you both win, everybody wins.

• 41:39Whitney Cummings?

  Because if I'm gonna show up and be inauthentic and masquerade as someone I'm not and charm you and beguile you, and then let's say I get you, then I'll always wonder why I have you. Well, is it just because I tricked you? And then I'm gonna go like, I'm gonna lose respect for you because I'm like, you fell for that? You know what I mean? So it's like, you, you're, I would very much show up as the person I thought they wanted, shape shift into what I thought they wanted, and then be angry, codependence breeds resentment. Then I'd be angry that they didn't want my authentic self, but I never gave them the option to meet that person.

• 42:19Whitney Cummings?

  Do you know what I mean?

• 42:20Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I do. I don't know that, I mean, we're talking like we're letting the world in here. I don't know that I still don't do that a little bit in my friendships.

• 42:26Whitney Cummings?

  Yep.

• 42:27Ed Mylett?

  I still think I do that a little bit. I morph maybe a little bit more. It's funny, I'm just thinking about it as you're saying it like, do I have any of that? Yeah, I do in my, some of my friendships.

• 42:38Whitney Cummings?

  I think there's a difference between morphing and striving for harmony and choosing your battles. Like, it took me a long time to realize that like authentic doesn't mean like combative. Like, because I used to just agree with whatever anybody said. It was like, okay, that's your opinion? Yeah, totally, yeah. Or I would laugh at your jokes that weren't funny. Just anything to create harmony and connection, right? Because I just want to be loved by you and I just want us to be soulmates. Like, I just want us to be entrenched right away. Even though I already have too many friends and don't have time to see any of them. Why am I trying to make new people fall in love with me? I don't have time for the people I have. And it's like being a hoarder or something, but...

• 43:17Ed Mylett?

  Can I say something on that? That's a place to evaluate. Do you have any friends, I'm asking the audience, that like you've kept as friends, but yet it's like tons of work to be around them? Like, I have, I, it's like five years ago. And by the way, I hope these friends of mine that we're not quite as close to don't assume it was them. But, but I was like, I really, I, I do laugh at all these things you say that aren't funny. And like, I am this version of me, I don't even really know or like when I'm with you, yet I keep seeing you all the time and I only have so many days left. And so I've done that in my friendships, exactly what you're describing.

• 43:52Whitney Cummings?

  What, would you want someone to do that to you?

• 43:55Ed Mylett?

  No. I mean, think about how insincere and hollow those lunches were to some extent. And by the way, they're not bad people at all. They just weren't the people that should be in my energy field at that time during my life. They just weren't.

• 44:08Whitney Cummings?

  Set them free, set them free. Like, that's the other thing is that like, you know, give them the dignity of their own experience. Like, I don't like hanging out with you, but someone does. You know, like, what is this? Why am I acting? You know, it took me so long to realize that friendships should not deplete you. You should not leave feeling depleted. You should be able to leave at any moment. You should be able to cancel if you need to. You should be able to talk every three weeks if that's when you're available. They should not feel like obligations. Like, I have a job, I have many jobs. Like, it's taken me a long time to realize that friendships should not feel like work. And I should not be faking it in bed or with my friends. It's weird because I was, I had to joke something about like, don't fake orgasms.

• 44:51Whitney Cummings?

  And then I found myself in a friendship, like laughing at jokes that weren't funny. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm with friends. This is so gross. And like, you know, um, we're dying also. We're literally dying. I, I, there's, there's no profound way to say this. There's no science. There's, we're truly dying. And I, I, I do hope, you know, your listeners, it doesn't take losing someone to get this kind of clarity. But I did lose my dad a couple of years ago and I'm trying to figure out a way how to convey to people, get that my dad just died clarity now. Because it, people would be like, do you want to go on a hike? And I'd be like, no, thanks.

• 45:35Whitney Cummings?

  People like, do you want to get a coffee? I'd be like, nope. Like, I don't, I don't want to. I didn't realize how much I did out of obligation. And something that helped me, a tool that helped me was the answer is usually no.

• 45:49Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 45:50Whitney Cummings?

  It's you, it's mostly no. And I think that there's this, there's this like, there was this like self-help thing for a while where it was like, just say yes to everything. And I was like, what? Like, it made me fucking crazy. I was like, yes, say yes to a job before you're ready, if you think you're not ready. Like, say yes to taking risks. I know that this is a tricky territory and neurotic people are gonna like, get lost in the weeds here, but you know what I'm saying?

• 46:15Ed Mylett?

  I do.

• 46:16Whitney Cummings?

  The answer is usually no. You have so much less time than you think you have. And anything that feels like an obligation that's not paying your bills, assume the answer is no. And then if you want to say yes later, you can always change your mind. Whereas I think we say yes and then go, I can always cancel later.

• 46:34Ed Mylett?

  Okay, that is one of the most awesome things ever said on my show, never said on my show. One billion percent endorsed and it's true. I'm, I'm sorry about your dad and I relate. I'm, my dad's not doing well right now. And Been sick for a long time and not doing well. And it's interesting that since he got sick, which is about four years ago, is when I've had this epiphany. Like, when you're dying of cancer, you don't have any time to be having lunches or conversations with people anymore out of obligation. And it's like, I've just learned the lesson and to Whitney's point, don't wait for some moment like that to just start, you know, live a little bit more intentionally, like be around the people who feed your spirit.

• 47:13Whitney Cummings?

  Would you want someone to have lunch with you because they felt obligated?

• 47:16Ed Mylett?

  I love that reversal, like, no.

• 47:19Whitney Cummings?

  I'd be so embarrassed.

• 47:21Ed Mylett?

  Yes, yes.

• 47:22Whitney Cummings?

  If someone was having lunch with me just because they didn't have their priorities straight. You're wasting my time too. It's, it's, we think it's nice. It's disrespectful. You're wasting their time. It's like, you know, to your point about my relationships in my twenties versus now, I was the person that was like, oh, I don't want to hurt their feelings. Like, I'll just stay with them longer. You're, that's the meanest thing you can do. You're stealing their life. Because you think you're quote, being nice.

• 47:47Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, so true.

• 47:49Whitney Cummings?

  It's the most selfish, rude thing you can do. And, yeah, I think it took me so long and, and I think just because your fans and you are so focused on tools. It's taken me so long to have pause. We're such go, go, go people, right? So ambitious. I'm gonna achieve my dreams. I'm gonna get this. Boom, we're on email. We're fucking, you know, all your fans are very high functioning. You know, but we want to go, yeah, I'll do that. I'll do that. And we sometimes equate busyness with success. We equate really busy schedules with success. Get a couple of catchphrases. I used to have them written in post-it notes on my computer of how to say no elegantly. And how to stall and have pause. When someone asks you to do, I mean, you went through this for a year with me, probably.

• 48:33Whitney Cummings?

  Which is why it took me so long to get here with you because I want to show up fully. And I don't want to disrespect your time by saying yes before I'm ready and before I'm fully capable of showing up for you. In an optimal way. If I did this even a month ago, I don't think I could have been as, had as much wisdom to share with your, your followers. Saying no is selfish. It's actually the nice thing to do sometimes, but have, no is hard. I know, especially as women. We, we want to walk on eggshells. We don't want people to not like us. We think it's harsh. We're bitches. We're cunts, whatever is in our mind.

• 49:07Whitney Cummings?

  You know what? I'm at capacity right now. Can I let you know in a month?

• 49:11Ed Mylett?

  Gosh.

• 49:12Whitney Cummings?

  You know what? I don't know. I'm not sure. We're so programmed to think that it's a weakness to say you don't know something.

• 49:18Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 49:19Whitney Cummings?

  We're programmed to believe that we're like dumb or stupid or like we um uh think we're pariahs if we don't know something. I'm not sure right now. Can I please get back to you? Can I put a pin in this? Can we circle back in three months? Like just pause. We say yes too often and good people with good hearts go, well, I said yes to that, so now I have to do it.

• 49:41Ed Mylett?

  So true.

• 49:41Whitney Cummings?

  Cause you're a good person.

• 49:42Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, you're so right. And a couple of things about like the saying you don't know something like even in a from a business perspective. I always find I trust somebody more who says that to me than can answer every single question. I like when I ask you like three or four things, like one of them, you go, I'm not completely sure. Let me find that out for you.

• 49:58Whitney Cummings?

  Now I can believe everything else you said.

• 49:59Ed Mylett?

  I just believe the other stuff. And the other thing we equate to achievement, guys, is acquisitions. I've acquired a new level. I acquired more money. I acquired this new friend. The more we like acquire things. And I think to your point, sometimes it's the complete antithesis of that that would bring us more happiness, which is a little less acquisition of people, less acquisition of meetings, et cetera. So I love that.

• 50:21Whitney Cummings?

  You know what's powerful? Yeah, less. And can I tell, can I share this just with your followers really quick?

• 50:27Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 50:28Whitney Cummings?

  Cause and I think you might like it. You know, cause I think we are go-getters, we're the badasses, we're the type A, get after it, be smooth, you know, we're those people.

• 50:38Ed Mylett?

  Yes.

• 50:39Whitney Cummings?

  There's this, um, I can't have a conversation with anyone on a podcast without bringing up animals. Um, and cause we've talked, the first thing I did after my dad passed was I was compelled to go to this sanctuary called Wolf Connection in right outside LA. Um, and there's a pack of wolves. And they are all rescued from people that fought them, whatever, doesn't matter. And they'll have at-risk youth come and and work with them and communicate through them. And um, the first thing they ask is they say, which one is the alpha of the pack? Of a wolf pack, right? Cause there's, they're all in, in, you know, enclosures and one of them's digging and one of them's sleeping and one of them's shitting and one of them's barking and one of them's crying and one of them's, you know, building and one of them's scratching and one of them's eating. And they say, which one's the alpha?

• 51:24Whitney Cummings?

  And you go, oh, the one barking. And they're like, nope. And I'm like, shit. And they're like, oh, the one scratching. Oh, the one eating. That's the alpha. Nope. The one's sleeping. The Alpha sleeps. So, more is not better. I knew, I thought you'd like that, I thought you'd like that. More, the less you do, the more powerful you are.

• 51:46Ed Mylett?

  Oh my gosh.

• 51:47Whitney Cummings?

  The more you're doing, you're actually the Omega. You're serving other people.

• 51:51Ed Mylett?

  Oh boy.

• 51:51Whitney Cummings?

  Asking for help, saying, "I don't know." Have other people do your work for you. You doing it all, you're just martyring yourself.

• 51:58Ed Mylett?

  So I'm gonna tell you how powerful this is. I'm in a little bit of a dark space right now, because we just moved, right?

• 52:03Whitney Cummings?

  You are in a dungeon, you're in a dungeon.

• 52:05Ed Mylett?

  They said, "Turn the lights down," so they'll fix it a little bit in post. But, so, we've moved, like, just a couple of times the last few months. I just want to show everybody this, if you're YouTube. I'm gonna, I'm gonna be legit with you guys. If you can see this, see that? There's boxes. If you're on iTunes or Spotify, there's boxes.

• 52:21Whitney Cummings?

  Is that where your protein powder is, or something?

• 52:23Ed Mylett?

  There's protein, creatine, probably some of the steroids you listed earlier, but we're not gonna go there today.

• 52:31Ed Mylett?

  And what, here's what's crazy about this move I've had. And have you ever had this? By the way, we moved three weeks ago. There's still boxes everywhere, and we're lucky enough to have a couple people help.

• 52:42Whitney Cummings?

  By the way, am I allowed to ask what city you live in? I don't even know.

• 52:43Ed Mylett?

  I'm in Laguna Beach.

• 52:44Whitney Cummings?

  Oh, nice.

• 52:45Ed Mylett?

  Doesn't suck. There, there's like an ocean one foot for me that could have been our background today, where I do most of the interviews, but I chose the dungeon. But the point, guys, is there's boxes all over my house. And if you've moved like this, these are all acquisitions of stuff. I will probably never use any of the things in any of these boxes ever again, but I keep acquiring more things that I just move to the same spaces. And we do this in our life, where it's more and more and more and more, that takes up all this space in our life. This is actually a really beautiful room if there wasn't all this shit in it. And this is a really beautiful life if you didn't have all these boxes of stuff and achievements and people that you really don't need to be there now.

• 53:24Whitney Cummings?

  I think some things are good. And I think it's okay to say that. Like, I do derive energy from things.

• 53:31Ed Mylett?

  Sure.

• 53:32Whitney Cummings?

  Like, not, not like, like fancy things. I mean, you guys see the way I dress. I, I shop at thrift stores and stuff. I don't, clothes don't do it for me, purses and shoes. But I love, um, animal statues. Like, I collect animal, like, I think it's just having meaning in your stuff. Like, I don't like shaming people that want stuff, because I grew up without stuff. I grew up poor, and I like a nice thing.

• 53:54Ed Mylett?

  No, I probably, I totally agree. When I say no, I mean, no, I don't mind you pointing that out. It's probably important, like, if someone's only listened to one of my shows, then I think what I'm saying really does need clarification. If they listen to a lot of them, they know.

• 54:06Whitney Cummings?

  Oh, they know you, yeah, yeah.

• 54:07Ed Mylett?

  Well, they, no, no, but your point is well-taken, because I think when I first started on social media, you know, I didn't know what part of me I wanted to reveal. And so, you know, I'd always, they'd be showing my jet and all this stuff I had. And people that knew me, in fact, once I signed with, uh, management, they're like, it's really weird. Like, you're nothing like what your social media looks like. And I, and so I think maybe I err sometimes the other way. Hey, if, if, like, having, um, and by the way, if it's expensive stuff, and that's what makes you happy, and you love that stuff, wonderful, go get a jet, go get a beach house.

• 54:40Whitney Cummings?

  And here's what I'll say, I think, I think what I'm getting to is, um, be intentional about it, and use it as a way to crystallize your work ethic, or as gratitude. I think, you know, when I first started getting success, um, I didn't enjoy it. I felt, um, scared it was gonna go away. I wouldn't spend money, um, and that fear was thwarting me. So for me, sometimes spending money on stuff was my way of having faith that I would continue. It was a form of gratitude and a form of celebration. I just try to be really, um, uh, meticulous about, like, okay, I, I'm, I want this thing, I'm gonna get it when I achieve this thing.

• 55:21Whitney Cummings?

  And now, like, I got this rhino, this vintage rhino statue that I wanted. It's, I know, I'm such an idiot.

• 55:28Ed Mylett?

  That's awesome.

• 55:28Whitney Cummings?

  Um, with my, and I was like, when I finish this script, I'm gonna buy this thing that I want, and it's gonna remind me of this thing I achieved.

• 55:35Ed Mylett?

  That's great.

• 55:36Whitney Cummings?

  I think, I, I just, I love what you're saying, because I think... Don't spend money on mindless shit that's just gonna be clutter and a future chore. Like be mindful in how you spend and what you buy and make it have meaning. And use it as a way to celebrate yourself and remind yourself of all the awesome shit you've done.

• 55:55Ed Mylett?

  No question.

• 55:56Whitney Cummings?

  Like you've done awesome shit dude, like you're a wa- you're a fucking maniac dude. Like I, I do, you do have a bunch of fucking boxes all around you, but like I hope you look at them and go look at all this shit I've built.

• 56:07Ed Mylett?

  I do, I think, I think, I think everything happens like in stages, you know, like you catch people at different times in their life. Like if we went back 10 years, like at that point in my life, I think sometimes we get filled with something and then there's another need. Maybe we're looking, it's not, by the way, there's nothing wrong with like pursuing significance.

• 56:24Whitney Cummings?

  By the way, this is something I, I was, I was interested, I was like, what am I, what is he gonna talk to me about? I wasn't sure. And I, I thought of, I, there's this shame, people have shit, all people want is success. And then they get it and then they have shame around it. Post your fucking jet. What, why else, I'm not gonna listen to you if you don't have a jet. Why am I gonna buy a book from a guy that doesn't have his own jet? Like I'm not gonna, what, what do you, what do you think I'm gonna follow a guy in a Ford Fiesta? Like what, I, I.

• 56:47Ed Mylett?

  You're right. There's validation to it, but no, no, no, a hundred percent, like I would have no followers had that jet not been on my stuff in the very beginning.

• 56:55Whitney Cummings?

  I would just be like, why can't this, why isn't this guy success? Why am I taking money advice from a guy that doesn't have a jet?

• 57:00Ed Mylett?

  But I, I do think the need change, I had a great, Rob, Rob Dierdick is a dear friend of mine and we're business partners in a company. And when we met, we're talking about these needs you have, it's so awesome what you're saying this. And, and I said, he goes, you know, man, when I was young, I was all about significance. I was a skateboarder, I was on TV and it was all about that. And now I'm really into contributing. I said, me too, man, like I've really been filled up with significance and you know, all that, but I'm a real contributor. We were at a Rams game once and he turns to me, he goes, can I just say something to you? Been wanting to tell you this for two months. He goes, we're totally full of shit. And I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, we just get significance from contributing now. And that's okay too. Like he goes, I still get significance, it's just the same stuff that brings me that dopamine isn't what it used to be.

• 57:45Ed Mylett?

  Now, when I really help somebody, I feel I'm a little bit more significant. So it's like stages of life is sort of, I think what you want. And like, I am proud that I have a jet. There's, I mean, like it's great validation, same time, there's stuff in these boxes here that don't serve me anymore. And I'm never gonna open them up again. I'm not even looking up, they're in the box. To your point, there's a poster right here of Maximus from Gladiator. My son's name's Maximus.

• 58:09Whitney Cummings?

  Oh.

• 58:09Ed Mylett?

  My, we went into labor the night we watched that. Like, that's mem- like, of course I wanna see that. To your point, too, that's be weird to anybody else. Why is a grown man have a Gladiator poster in his office?

• 58:18Whitney Cummings?

  You'd be surprised.

• 58:19Ed Mylett?

  Right, so, but I wanna talk about your career really quick. We're gonna go a little bit over if I, I won't be respectful of your time. But can we go a few minutes? Cause I wanna ask you about this.

• 58:26Whitney Cummings?

  Yes, but I wanna say one other thing.

• 58:28Ed Mylett?

  Give me it.

• 58:30Whitney Cummings?

  About the, your buddy and, and just your listeners. Like, I, I really did wanna make sure that I didn't shit the bed on this interview.

• 58:37Ed Mylett?

  You're not, you're awesome.

• 58:39Whitney Cummings?

  Just like, if you wanna be famous, say it. It's okay. If you wanna be rich, just, everyone's like, wanna accomplish their dreams. I'm like, you have to get, maybe this'll segue into my career. You have to be specific about what you want. It's shame, it's shameful to say I wanna be rich and I wanna be famous. But if you can't, if you can't acknowledge that, you're, you have to figure out what the fuck you want to get. And saying, I want a plane, I wanna be rich, I wanna be famous, like, be okay with saying that because there's nothing wrong with being rich or famous. Like, there's this weird, like,

• 59:09Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 59:10Whitney Cummings?

  If you've inherited your money, I probably have, don't like you as much. I like people that earn their own money. I don't do well with, I, I don't do well, people that were like born into money. We just don't see the world the same.

• 59:21Ed Mylett?

  I don't either, I don't know what it is.

• 59:22Whitney Cummings?

  We don't see the world the same way.

• 59:24Ed Mylett?

  Yeah.

• 59:24Whitney Cummings?

  You're, like, you're probably a criminal and a con artist and you're, you know what I mean?

• 59:29Ed Mylett?

  That's a sub too.

• 59:30Whitney Cummings?

  I'm just saying, your parents probably made money in pharmaceuticals, like, killing my family members. Like, I'm sure, I'm sure I hate you, but if you have earned your own money, like, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be famous. It's like, oh, she's just posting pictures of herself to try to be famous. Good, famous means influence, it means power, it means I can go rescue more freaking elephants. I have no shame around wanting money and wanting, uh, fame. And we have to get, we can't enter in this conversation about achievement and everything that you do while still having shame about achievement.

• 1:00:02Ed Mylett?

  Yeah, I think that's amazing. It's, if you'd have asked me that on my show, the first person to point that out would be? On camera, most of the time and kind of in Hollywood, I would be very surprised by that, but I'm glad that it's you. And so, and I 1,000% totally agree with you. Your career, though, I want to just, I like, I'm, that's how I know you. And so I've watched your specials, I've, you know, your show, I watched them. I know you've had lots of shows, but I like, from the very beginning, this is so corny, there's something about you that's connecting, interesting, energy transfer, there's something like I, I don't know.

• 1:00:47Ed Mylett?

  I mean, I don't know that I'm even your demo. I don't know. Like, I'm really familiar with you and I've, I've always been very fascinated with you. And that's why I wanted you on the show. It's the coolest thing, you know this, the coolest thing about having a show, once it does pretty well, you're like, I can kind of talk to someone I've wanted to talk to and know them. And, and so you've been that person for me and that you know this, it's not, I'm not just saying it to be nice. Like, I've had enough people have to reach out to you and they're like, all right, I'll do it. So I, you weren't like, and you've had a lot of successes. And I think sometimes when someone sees somebody that's, you know, had multiple successes like you have, you know, I think most people quit, like, most people don't quit the first rejection. That's not true. But most people

• 1:01:28Ed Mylett?

  do quit the second or third. So even most entrepreneurs, you know, it's not the first one, if you want something, but it's like two, three, four, all right, I'm out, it's not meant to be, this isn't God's will, you just start thinking these bizarre messages. And so someone like you that looked like an overnight success, who also, by the way, everybody, long statement, has been relevant a long time, also, a long time. Tell us about it. Like, how many pitches did you have to do or pilots to get one show? I don't even know the answer.

• 1:01:58Whitney Cummings?

  Yeah, I'm gonna try to be helpful and not too inside baseball. I, when I try to, when I listen to podcasts about athletes or people that are not in my field and they start getting so inside and I'm like, you know, I'm gonna try to keep it as relatable as possible. First of all, I do

• 1:02:17Whitney Cummings?

  Have, I am a sadistic person. And I do think that's part of it. I grew up being rejected a lot by my dad. I did. Rejection to me is, I get off on rejection a little bit. You know, if you can wire your brain to do that, or to just view rejection as like one step closer. Every no is one step closer to a yes. Like, I get excited when I get rejected because I'm like, oh, great, that one's out of the way. You know, like, I get off on it. Like, I just change the way I view it. Instead of rejecting saying, give up. It's like, why give up now? I'm so much closer. It's like passing an exit when you're driving on the freeway. It's like, well, I'm almost at my exit. I just passed a bunch. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's how I see rejection. And that might be sick.

• 1:03:04Whitney Cummings?

  And it's also, rejection is, you know, this is something that they say in 12-step programs. Rejection is God's protection. Like, being in a program for eight years rewiring my brain that every time someone rejects you, like, the universe is actually protecting you from something that you shouldn't be doing. And it's toughening you up. I played sports. I, you know, very competitively played basketball. My dad, like, there was no giving up. You just don't give up. Like, it was just not something I also, you know, I think that as you get older, you, a lot of the things that we think were abuse sometimes are actually helping us. Like, I had this epiphany recently. My mom used to take me to work with her after school. I never got to go, like, hang out with my friends.

• 1:03:47Whitney Cummings?

  I had to go, my mom, I worked at Bloomingdale's, and I'd have to go sit in her office. And I was so bored. And she was working. And I would, like, sit and play with, like, safety pins and pens and, like, doodle and draw. And she would keep me there till, like, eight at night. And I was, like, so bored. And I remember being so angry that I didn't get to have, like, a normal childhood where I got to, like, play with friends after school. I had to, like, I didn't have a babysitter because we couldn't afford it. And then I look back and I go, oh, my God. I got to watch a woman at work. My whole childhood. I was in a woman's office. That thing that I thought was so bad for me was building and sketching the blueprint of what I think, how a woman

• 1:04:33Whitney Cummings?

  How necessary a woman should be in the world. She was running around, she wasn't paying attention to me because she was busy and needed. And I was learning that women should be needed and busy and their importance and their vital. So it was like, whoa, it like blew my mind how my perception, sorry, shifted.

• 1:04:53Ed Mylett?

  Know one thing about that, and I want you to keep going, is that I'm a big believer, the older I get, that a lot of the best lessons in life are caught, they're not taught. Just stuff like that, you just, you just catch things, right? Like I caught things, my dad's drinking. The biggest gift of my dad's drinking, because I was a real little boy, was I would have to read my dad at like four or five when he'd come home. Which one am I getting? Am I getting happy dad who wants to play with me? Or dad who wasn't so joyous, right? And that taught me this ability, I have very few gifts. One of my gifts is that I have empathy for people, but also I read people pretty well. And I started doing it at four, five, six years old. I don't have an alcoholic dad, I don't have that necessity, I don't catch that skill set.

• 1:05:37Ed Mylett?

  And that empathy is kind of important because the combination of, I look pretty intense, right? And so the dual, the duality of maybe my personality and what I look like sort of serves me. Same with you, by the way. And so I just want to second what you were saying, I don't want to cut you off on going through your career, but I, I similarly respond the same way. And that's obviously true with you, with your moms. So that's, but everyone should be thinking of what theirs is, as you're explaining yours there. So go ahead.

• 1:06:03Whitney Cummings?

  Yeah, and I, and, and, you know, exactly. And, um, and I think that we can all do this, we can all, you know, what if it's a gift? What if it wasn't that bad? What if, you know, after, you know, the, the way that my, um, sort of development has happened is it's been like, I was in complete denial of all the bad things that happened to me that I, I was a kid, I was in denial, everything's fine, don't want to be a victim, won't acknowledge it. All of my maladaptive behaviors and armor were brilliantly working to make it so that I didn't have to feel any pain. And then I had to acknowledge what happened. A lot of bad shit didn't happen when I was a kid, a lot of inappropriate shit happened when I was a kid. I have to feel the feelings, I have to cry it out. And now? What if it was a gift? Like, what if?

• 1:06:49Whitney Cummings?

  Why not? Why not have it be a gift? Like, what if? What if? You know, since we're talking about the career thing, the first kind of, the show that a lot of people really responded to that I made, it was called Two Broke Girls. And it really resonated with people. And I worked with Michael Patrick King. He did Sex and the City. He did The Comeback, you know? And we'd be working together. And he helped me rewire my brain because I would go, "Well, you know, this will happen and then this will happen." And then he would go, "Or not." Or, like, "Or not." And sometimes for me, it's just, "He hates me, that person doesn't like me, or not." "My childhood sucked, or not." Like, just "or not." You know what I'm saying?

• 1:07:31Whitney Cummings?

  So, it's a, it's a, or, or these were all gifts and I just haven't unwrapped them yet.

• 1:07:39Whitney Cummings?

  You know? So, so get, so acknowledge the childhood stuff, examine yourself, and then move the fuck on. Close the book. You've read the book already. Why are you reading it? Why are we watching this movie again? We've seen it. You know what I'm saying? So, I think it's like just about accepting and then releasing, you know, and not saying, staying stuck. The career stuff, I had so many rejections. But also, I never thought things were gonna be easy. Like, I, I do, I don't feel like I deserve a bunch of credit for being so resilient. Like, my dad, you know, again, all the things that I thought sucked about my dad, I now look back and go, "Oh, my God, that was the best thing he could have said." And even though at the time it felt like I wasn't getting the love I needed or wanted

• 1:08:23Whitney Cummings?

  or saw in Disney movies or wherever I got my idea of what love is supposed to look like, he used to always say, "Life's not fair." And he would do like crazy, crazy shit. Like, we would leave an ice cream parlor and my ice cream would fall off. And he'd be like, "Well, life's not fair." We wouldn't go back in and get more ice cream. He'd be like, "Life's not fair." And I'd be like, "Oh, my gosh." And he'd be like, "Well, you can eat it off the ground." And I'd be like, "Well, her, my, my sister's is still on her." And he'd be like, "Life's not fair." Like, he drilled into my brain. It, which today, that would be like child abuse. Like, he would like go to jail. He would be like publicly shamed on Facebook and people would find him and fire him from his job. But like, he, he very early wanted me to know that life was not fair. And that I...

• 1:09:08Whitney Cummings?

  Don't deserve it all and I'm not going to get everything I deserve. And so I never had that entitlement. Like I, I before I had got any modicum of success. I had written, I want to say three pilots that didn't even get picked up. I wrote, I sold a pilot that got picked up that didn't go. I, I mean, I fail, I've mostly failed. It's just that my successes have been amplified. So people think I'm successful. I'm a giant failure. You've just, you only know about the successes. That's all.

• 1:09:40Ed Mylett?

  First off, before I ask you the last question, I just want to say first, thank you. Cause I don't want to forget to do that because for me, like I have some guests on to serve the audience. I have guests on sometimes like I always have a funny feeling. This person can help me and you do, and, and you did, and you will continue to. And so hopefully I can reciprocate that somehow. Um, I really loved today. Go follow Whitney on Instagram, guys. And then you'll see she's got tours coming up and other projects and you can find everything on there. But I, I want to ask you last, if I can, the, I think mainly the people listening to this are trying to pursue a dream. Whatever it could be, it could be the entertainment business. It could be, it could be entrepreneurship, you know, and they're an athlete. And they're like, hey, and it's COVID.

• 1:10:25Ed Mylett?

  This is difficult time, you know, there's all the strife in the news. Biden, Trump, we've got all these social justice issues we need to wrestle with and fix and improve. It's just a lot, right? That, and most of it is very worthy of our attention, very worthy of our energy. But also so was our own dream. So was our own life, so was our own self-care. What advice would you just give in general? Someone ran into you, they got three minutes at Starbucks and said, hey, I got a dream I want to pursue. You've obviously made several of yours come true. You know, what advice would you give me as I start to pursue this thing?

• 1:11:02Whitney Cummings?

  Well, if people don't think you're crazy, we have a problem.

• 1:11:08Whitney Cummings?

  Keep, work so hard, people think you're crazy. That's when things started happening for me, when people were like, Whitney's not crazy. Like, if, if people think you're normal, then you're not working hard enough. I don't know, like, just, it just, does that make sense? Like, it's just like, things should, it should feel uncomfortable, you should be uncomfortable all the time. You should feel like you're jumping off a cliff all the time, or else you're not taking enough risks. Like, you should be in a constant state of, holy shit, am I gonna embarrass myself? Holy shit, am I ever gonna pull this off? You know, you should always have that pit in your stomach, that anxiety we're all fighting. You should have anxiety all, like, if you're really going for your dreams.

• 1:11:52Whitney Cummings?

  You know, the other thing I would say is really, it's gonna be very unoriginal, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna steal the Serenity Prayer from the 12-Step Program, which I say to myself all the time, because we waste so much time on things we can't control. You can't control the news, you can't control people's opinions on Twitter, you can't, we have this false sense of participation in life and society, and progress, and relevance, and feeling like we belong or are doing something by just being self-righteous and indignant, and fighting with people at parties over politics. It does nothing except stress you out, and weaken your immune system, it's not helping anyone. So, the Serenity Prayer, I go back to, it's very simple. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

• 1:12:37Whitney Cummings?

  Change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So, even if you're not in a 12-step program, I'm not saying, get in one, it's free medicine, I love it, but grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So, figure out what you can control, what you can't control, write a list down, and if you can't control it, don't spend your energy on it, you're wasting your bandwidth.

• 1:13:04Ed Mylett?

  So good. I wanna do it again. We'll wait a little bit, and then we're gonna have you on again, cuz it's too good.

• 1:13:10Whitney Cummings?

  And I also, if I may, just really quick, say thank you. You know, I grew up in a time and with a father that was a big, strong man, that couldn't be vulnerable, or, you know, you talking about your feelings and emotions and insecurities, and is...

• 1:13:28Whitney Cummings?

  Going to fix a lot of things.

• 1:13:29Ed Mylett?

  Thank you.

• 1:13:30Whitney Cummings?

  Men feeling like it's, it's, you're a bitch or you're a pussy if you talk about your feelings is such a big problem. And so, thank you for what you do.

• 1:13:40Ed Mylett?

  Thank you. So cool. Guys, follow her and support her, support her work. And if you, have you not had a chance to watch any of her specials or something? Just go do that right away. I'm telling you, they're so good.

• 1:13:51Whitney Cummings?

  They're on Netflix and I have a podcast, the whole thing.

• 1:13:54Ed Mylett?

  Her podcast is awesome too. All right. Hey, everybody. I want to just remind you every day, I run the max out two minute drill on Instagram. Make sure you follow me there. Turn your notifications on. When I post, make a comment the first two minutes, reply to comments, do it every day. You get all kinds of cool stuff, including maybe flying on that jet we talked about earlier. You might get a max out hat.

• 1:14:11Whitney Cummings?

  Yes, please. I need somebody to cover up this disastrous hair. Yes.

• 1:14:15Ed Mylett?

  I think the next time you see her, I have a hunch that it won't be pink hair and she's working on something new. So that's just another reason.

• 1:14:21Whitney Cummings?

  Oh, and also find me a husband. Thank you.

• 1:14:24Ed Mylett?

  Find her a hubby. I can help you with that. I'll do that.

• 1:14:26Whitney Cummings?

  You, no, I'm talking to you.

• 1:14:27Ed Mylett?

  Okay. I thought you meant like a couple of mine of you. Find me a husband. You get a lot of DMs.

• 1:14:32Whitney Cummings?

  You're a high achieving Laguna Beach friend.

• 1:14:35Ed Mylett?

  There you go. I think the DMs are blowing up for you right now. All right, everybody. God bless you. Max out.

• 1:14:41Whitney Cummings?

  Thanks, Ed.