Caller: “I Still Can’t Leave My Abusive Wife”

📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. On today’s episode, we hear about: A husband grappling with the aftermath of his wife’s abuse A man wondering if he should take his wife’s last name A wife wondering if her husband’s internet habits are normal Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  You called a little over a month ago and we talked about, I mean, I think your ultimate question was, can you still save your marriage? And you're in a pretty volatile, volatile marriage and really found yourself out on an island, doing everything all by yourself. How's the last month been since we talked?

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you're with us, talking about your marriages, your relationships, your kids, your mental and emotional health, the challenging things that you're facing in your life, that we're all facing in our lives. So thanks for calling in, for those who are brave and courageous and call in, and thank you for those who pull up a seat or put on your headphones and listen alongside us as we figure out what's the next right step. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes. And all right, so this first call, I want to give you some, some context before I bring him on. I guess we should probably have a weekly segment, Kelly, or a monthly segment.

• 1:13Dr. John Delony?

  It's called, "I Was Wrong," or "I Completely Missed This." And this is a particular call that has haunted me since I walked out of the studio. And so it was, I think we recorded the original call about a month ago, a little bit over a month ago, and wanted to bring Tyler from Los Angeles back on, check in with him, see how he's doing a month later, and also apologize to you, brother, and kind of talk through some of the things that we talked about in our last call. So how are we doing, man?

• 1:45Speaker 01

  I'm okay. How are you?

• 1:47Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, I'm running a scam called a podcast, man. So you called a little over a month ago and we talked about, I mean, I think your ultimate question was, can you still save your marriage? And you're in a pretty volatile, volatile marriage, and really found yourself out on an island, doing everything all by yourself with not really any prospect for change. How's the last month been since we've talked?

• 2:18Speaker 01

  It's been hit or miss. We have a lot of good moments and some negative ones, and we wrapped up couples therapy, and that was kind of hard, just because some of the things she said. But then I keep going back and forth, if this is salvageable, can we fix this? Can we make it? And then times where I'm like, this isn't going to work out, and I'm just indecisive, I feel like.

• 2:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. What are some things she said to you as you wrapped up marriage therapy that were hard to hear?

• 2:53Speaker 01

  So the counselor had asked her, she said, "Hey, what is it about him that makes it so you can't do these things? Because I'm getting the sense that he's a good guy to you, you haven't brought anything that's an issue, so why can't you do what he's asking for, which is to be more vulnerable, to be intimate, to have a partnership?" And she just said that she can't do it. She just has a lot of anxiety and depression, and she's afraid to fail. And so then the therapist said, "Don't you think he deserves those things?" And she said, "He does, but I can't be the woman that he deserves."

• 3:36Speaker 01

  And that was really hard to hear. And then we talked about it later on, and she said that in the heat of the moment, she said it, and I just, I don't know how to take that, because sometimes I get the heat of the moment kind of thing, but it's also just difficult to hear stuff like that. And a lot of her actions show that, but then other actions show differently, but they're not the actions I'm asking for, and stuff like that.

• 4:01Dr. John Delony?

  So since we talked last, there was one giant, just blinking red light that I missed, and it came up at the end of our call, and so we'll talk about that here in a second. And I want to first apologize to you, and then kind of walk through what I always sit down with folks and recommend after something like that. The second thing is, I want to talk about this first, is, man, when we were talking, something I didn't even think about in the moment of our conversation was this extraordinary book, and I want you to recommend that you read it.

• 4:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:40Dr. John Delony?

  And it's by a good friend of mine, Henry Cloud, Dr. Henry Cloud, he's a legend in the field. He's somebody I've looked up to for a long, long time, long before I had a podcast of any kind. But the book is called Necessary Endings.

• 4:53Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 4:54Dr. John Delony?

  And it really walks you through, step by step, how to know when a workplace situation, when a boundary situation, when a romantic relationship, how do you know when it is over? And most importantly, what do you do next? And the reason I think it's a masterpiece is it's very, very clear. It's a book that I, like, when I was teaching graduate courses, I would recommend to all of my students, because it was, it's helpful on how do you know when to let an employee go, or to keep trying with an employee. But I think for you, it really applies here, and I'll distill down a chunk of what the

• 5:37Dr. John Delony?

  book says into a pretty simple heuristic, if you will. And that is, when there, there's a difference between a hope and a wish.

• 5:48Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  And hope is, there's demonstrable evidence in real life, there's a demonstrable, like, there's a plan in place, and there is movement towards something being different. Absent of that, then what we're doing is we're wishing.

• 6:12Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  And so when you lose hope that tomorrow can and will be different, whether by your hand, or whether by, in a marriage, your wife's plan, or wife's hand, or your husband's hand, if you lose the ability to objectively look and see there's any sort of change happening here, and it's not scattershot change, right? Like you talked about, it's not chaotic change, some days it's up, some days it's down. In your situation, things I would look for is, is my wife actively seeking treatment for anxiety and depression?

• 6:54Speaker 01

  She is.

• 6:56Dr. John Delony?

  Is she seeking treatment for anxiety and depression in a way that not only talks about the things she's experiencing, but she's actively putting in the work to experience the world in a, in a more healthy way? And I actually, like, what she said in that session, as somebody who's tangled up with anxiety and depression, and she's struggling, like, when she's at war with her own body, I can imagine that version of her saying, "I can't be these things." But my hope would be, the next statement would be, "But I'm going to do the work I need to do." It'd be like me saying, someone says, "Hey, can you run this marathon?" And I've got a broken leg, and I say, "No, I can't.

• 7:41Dr. John Delony?

  In this state, I can't do this. But I'm going to go to physical therapy, I'm going to go to rehab, I'm going to get the surgeries that I need, and I'm going to put the work in. So two years from now, one year from now, we're running that marathon together." You see what I'm saying?

• 7:55Speaker 01

  Gotcha. Yeah, that makes sense.

• 7:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so, but I want to strongly recommend you read that book, and it's a book that's helped me professionally, it's helped me personally, but it is a very clear idea. But there is a profound difference, and I think for anybody listening to this, if you're wondering about a relationship, you're wondering about, you know, whether to, like, finally say, "I'm not doing holidays with you guys anymore, with extended family," or dealing with an aging kid or an aging parent, ask yourself that question, is there any demonstrable evidence that tomorrow's going to be different than today? Or if I look at all the evidence in front of me, and sometimes it takes a friend or a counselor to sit there and look at the evidence with you, right? Because our emotions get so big, is there any chance that this changes?

• 8:42Dr. John Delony?

  And if it's not, if there's no chance it changes, then we have to sit in that reality, and that reality's heartbreaking, it's full of grief, and from there, we begin to ask ourselves, okay, what's my next right move here? And so I want you to check that out, okay?

• 8:57Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  And it's 100% my fault for not thinking that, like, I wish I had thought of that last time we talked, would have saved you a month of your life, and that's why you called, and I missed that one. But here's the big thing I missed. While we were talking, and man, we were talking about all sorts of situations at your home, where you've really been left out on an island, emotionally, practically speaking, from, like, you're running a one-man partnership right now, right?

• 9:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:25Dr. John Delony?

  And the thing I absolutely blew by, that I let you down on, was when you mentioned, is it towards the end of the call, I believe, that she's been violent with you multiple times throughout your, out your marriage. Tell me about that.

• 9:42Speaker 01

  Um, so it kinda started when we first got an apartment. It was not, not often, and that's not me minimizing it. It was a few times here and there over the four years we lived in an apartment. And then, once we moved into a house, it happened a couple more times. And about two and a half years ago, um, we were arguing and she walked off. And so I was trying to talk to her about what was going on. And she got so overwhelmed, cause like, I understand why she did it, but she got so overwhelmed, she spit in my face. And that was two and a half years ago. So I told her on that day, I was like, if you ever spit in my face, if you ever hit me again,

• 10:25Speaker 01

  I'm gonna walk away. And so even a lot of the times when she'd hit me, like, I'm six two, I work out a lot, like, she can't physically hurt me. But it was more of like, the, the emotional side of it, that she could do something like that. And so for the most part, I would say it's only happened less than fifteen times, but probably closer to ten. Um, cause I wouldn't say she's a violent person per se. It's just, she gets overwhelmed with her emotions and she like blacks out and does things. And so I told her that. And so then, when I had given her the wrong time for the party, um, cause I told her it was at twelve. I thought, I thought that and I looked it up, it was at twelve thirty.

• 11:08Speaker 01

  And so, when I told her about it, she got upset. And I was trying to set a boundary of like, hey, if you're gonna be rude, I'm not gonna go. And she got upset about that. And then, um, you know, I, I did agree with you, I was a little childish with the whole, this is my car. Um, it's more of a culture thing of like, this is my car, even though it's our car. But I didn't want her to take my car, so that I still had a car and she had her own. Um, she came around, sat on top of me, and then she elbowed me. And my son was in the backseat in the passenger side, so he saw everything. And it's not that she hurt me, it's just, again, the emotional, the respect kinda thing, where it's like, she could do that.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  And the thing that I keep going back to is that she did this when, like, we're supposed to be trying to rebuild our marriage. Cause I told her I was done a couple of months prior. So I was having a hard time with it, because I had made a promise to myself that I wasn't gonna be, you know, hit or spit on. And so, here we are, two months later, and I'm still trying to figure out if this will work. But now on top of that, when my son was born, I told myself, you would never see that. And then it happened. Um, and then, so that's been going on. And then it kinda resurfaced again, just like a week and a half ago. You know, I was kinda trying to let it go down, let it die down. And we got into a disagreement and she stormed off.

• 12:39Speaker 01

  And I went to go say like, hey, can we reset, can I try again? Cause I was a little rude with how I'd asked her a question. And she like stormed out of the bedroom and she pushed me out of the way. My son didn't see that, but it was just kind of a reminder of like, oh, she did this two months ago. And so, I understand why she's doing it, she's just on edge, she's, her anxiety's at an all time high, because, you know, I asked her for a divorce. So I get that, and it's just, I made personal boundaries that I said I wasn't gonna break. And so here I am, struggling to look myself in the eye and look at my son, because I'm supposed to teach him how to be a man and follow through with what you say.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  And so I don't know how to navigate that, because I, I, at the end of the day, I love my wife and I wanted it to work. But her actions and what she says don't necessarily align.

• 13:30Dr. John Delony?

  Not necessarily, they don't at all. But, but let me say this out loud, and again, I'll apologize one more time, I missed this, I blew it, okay? Um, violence is never okay. And if that, if that had been reversed, I would've come out of my chair, appropriately so, right? If your wife had been calling me saying that, hey, my husband just elbowed me in the face in the car, cause I told him to get out. Right?

• 14:00Speaker 01

  In the chest, yeah.

• 14:02Dr. John Delony?

  And, and, and here's the thing, like, it doesn't make it right, just because the gender roles were reversed here. And in fact, you're, you've, sound like you've trapped yourself in a gender stereotype, which is, I'm big and strong, so this doesn't hurt. A, it does, it's, it does, right? Like, if, if, if she shoves you, maybe that doesn't hurt, but, um, there is pain involved. Any, if my daughter, who's ten, elbowed me in the nose, it still hurts, right? And I, I, I like to believe I'm a tough guy, right? But it still hurts.

• 14:36Dr. John Delony?

  But beyond that, what I'm looking for from the outside in is an adult who is completely emotionally dysregulated. And the unfortunate world I've grown up in, or professional world, not the world I grew up in at home, but my professional life has been, sometimes there's a trend line to these things. Where it starts with a shove, and then it starts with a punch on the arm, and then it's an elbow to the face. And then it ends up real, real bad. Right? Cause the next punch is with a knife. The next, the next altercation is with something that is not a, something you just brush off.

• 15:21Dr. John Delony?

  And so, whether you want, what I wanna ask you to do is, A, step outside of this BS masculine thing, that you and I were both taught, both of us were taught this thing, right? Um, and like, back up all the way, cause if she'll hit you, she'll hit your kid. If she'll hit you, um, she'll hit other people. If she's that emotionally dysregulated that she blacks out, just when her husband says something in the wrong tone, and then asks, hey, can I reset? Then she needs some serious, um, not emotional, but she needs some mental health support.

• 16:05Dr. John Delony?

  That you don't have the training or the psychopharmacology, you don't have the experience to, to, to help her with. But you do have a responsibility to keep yourself safe and to keep your son safe. And so, abuse is, physical abuse is never okay, regardless of genders, regardless of which direction it's going. And I should've, I should've stopped the presses on that when we last talked. And so, like, like, you, you have this sense of, I'm letting myself down, um, which is a common thing, that again, most of the time I talk to women who are being abused by men, but there's this common sense that, oh, I get it, it makes sense, my fault, or I understand.

• 16:48Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say this, there is no understanding to an adult hitting another adult, especially in a romantic relationship, ever. Okay?

• 16:57Speaker 01

  Gotcha.

• 16:59Dr. John Delony?

  If, if a man attacks your wife in a Walmart parking lot, yes. Right, game on. But it, it's not okay. It's never okay. And I would hope that you hear me and say, I don't want you walking around your house thinking you're crazy.

• 17:21Speaker 01

  Appreciate you saying that.

• 17:22Dr. John Delony?

  You're with an emotionally unregulated adult. And I, I don't care how small she is compared to you in, in physical stature, that's a scary thing to be around.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  It is. And then when I try to bring it up, she, she shuts down, because it's hard for her to hear.

• 17:41Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the thing, that at this point, going back to, like circling all the way back, like to what Dr. Cloud says, I don't see, and this is a rare thing for me to say out loud on a show like this, okay? I don't see any hope for change. Because you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you, you're, if you come up with a plan for moving forward, then her response is, that plan's too overwhelming. And it might get so overwhelming that I'm gonna be violent in front of our child. If you don't come up with a plan, then you're left sitting there hoping for scraps of human decency

• 18:25Dr. John Delony?

  and kindness and respect and lovableity, whenever you can get it. The little sips of oxygen, and that's what you've been living on relationally for the last several years, right?

• 18:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:35Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. And so, I, I think, if, if I'm you, and I, and you and I were sitting here, I would paint us a picture where we're gonna back all the way up and look at this. Like, how can we get thirty thousand feet up in the air and look down on this situation? The same conversation, we know how that ends, so we're gonna stop doing that.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:00Dr. John Delony?

  The threats, we're gonna stop doing that. Cause we, we've, we've tried that too.

• 19:08Dr. John Delony?

  Now, the next step is, I'm gonna take responsibility for my safety, for my son's safety, and do whatever the next right step is. And that might mean moving out for 30 days. That might mean she's gotta find a new apartment until she can get well. And by the way, I've seen these relationships get restored, but it takes a long time.

• 19:27Dr. John Delony?

  It takes, we're gonna go on a date once every two weeks.

• 19:32Dr. John Delony?

  And you're gonna let me know that you're in therapy. And you're gonna let me know, not only that you're in therapy, but what are practices that you're learning, so that you can become a more emotionally mature, emotionally regulated adult. So that, when things get big, and by the way, things will always get big, in all of our lives. Our job as adults is to do the work we gotta do, based on our childhood traumas, based on our adult traumas, so that we can stay emotionally regulated, especially around those that we love.

• 20:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:05Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 20:07Dr. John Delony?

  So, man, I missed it, and I think I've cost you a month of your life, so I'm sorry.

• 20:12Speaker 01

  I appreciate that.

• 20:13Dr. John Delony?

  And I appreciate you, I appreciate you coming back on and talking through with me. Anytime you wanna come on, we'll get you through and get you on the show. I'm grateful for you, man. Look forward to hearing what joys and successes are in your store for you down the road. There's a light at the end of the dark tunnel. You just gotta start walking, man. When we come back, a man asks if he should take his wife's last name despite the stigma. We'll be right back.

• 20:42Dr. John Delony?

  I've been deeply convicted about something recently. We only get one shot at this thing called life, and life is full of challenges and hardships. And most of us get so busy trying to balance everything all at the same time, and we learn to manage and just accept pains and challenges and weight gain and a slow loss of energy. Listen, we don't have to settle for this. We only get one life, so why not give it our best shot to live this life to the fullest? This is why I'm a big fan of getting my blood tested on a regular basis, so I can feel better in my own skin. And this is why I'm a huge fan of Joy and Blokes. I've had blood work done by all the major platforms, and Joy and Blokes

• 21:24Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:08Dr. John Delony?

  J-O-I-N-B-L-O-K-E-S. Joyandblokes.com/daloni.

• 22:16Dr. John Delony?

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• 22:41Dr. John Delony?

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• 23:25Dr. John Delony?

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• 23:41Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Jackson, Mississippi, and talk to Nate. What's up, Nate?

• 23:47Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John, how's it going?

• 23:48Dr. John Delony?

  I'm all right, brother. How are you, man?

• 23:50Speaker 02

  I'm doing good. How's your day so far?

• 23:52Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I am living, like a glitch in the matrix, dude. I'm doing pretty dang good. How about you, man?

• 23:58Speaker 02

  I love it. I love it. Another day in paradise, as they say.

• 24:01Dr. John Delony?

  In Jackson, Mississippi. I love it. Love it. So, what's up, homie?

• 24:05Speaker 02

  Yes, sir. Yeah, so my question for you is, is how do I balance wanting one family name with the discomfort of changing my last name that's tied to my family and career?

• 24:18Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me more. I feel like there's a story here.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, just a little bit, a tiny, tiny bit. Essentially, when, when me and my wife, before we got married, she said that she wanted to keep her last name. And I completely respected that. I was, I was totally respectful. I think it would be different if she told me afterwards, after we were married, but she brought it up before, which was absolutely great, and her communication's been on point. Since we want kids in the future, having one family name and that sense of unity is really, really important to me. So I've considered taking her last name instead. But what I'm struggling with is the stigma around a husband taking, basically, his wife's name, along with the fact that my last name is tied to

• 25:06Speaker 02

  my identity, you know, my, my, my personality, my, my career, my professional life. So changing it would personally and professionally make me a little uncomfortable. I'm trying to figure out how to balance my identity and those feelings with my desire for our future family to share one name.

• 25:25Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. Man, there's, there's several different things popping in my mind here. Can I ask you a couple of real personal questions that you can just avoid if you don't wanna answer them? It's all good.

• 25:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:37Dr. John Delony?

  But it will help me have a track here, okay? Cuz there's actually some research on this.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:41Dr. John Delony?

  And, by the way, it's uncomfortable research to say out loud, cuz everyone will gasp, and then I'll get a bunch of mean comments, but I don't care. So...

• 25:49Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 25:50Dr. John Delony?

  Is there something wrong with your... Wrong. That sounds, made me sound like an ass. If my last name was Butt Hammer, and my wife was like, okay, I'd rather keep my name. And so, is there something with your last name that she's like, I wanna keep my name? Or, is this like a feminist principle? And I don't mean feminist in the negative, like in some sort of, not like that. But like, is it a, I like, I want to double down on my family's heritage, and this is a line in the sand I'm drawing?

• 26:21Speaker 02

  I would feel, I feel like it would have to lean more towards the first one.

• 26:26Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, no kidding? I was kinda just throwing that out there.

• 26:30Dr. John Delony?

  Your last name's not Butt Hammer, is it?

• 26:33Speaker 02

  No, no, no.

• 26:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  No, even, even though it might be a cool last name for somebody.

• 26:38Dr. John Delony?

  That would be incredible, if someone's last name is Butt Hammer.

• 26:43Speaker 02

  No, but for me, my last name kind of, it, it, it's not the best sounding last name. Of course, it means a lot to me, cuz it's my last name.

• 26:52Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, what does that mean? Is it, is it like, ethnically or culturally, or it rhymes? And again, don't...

• 27:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, it would rhyme with, with something that isn't appealing to most people, especially when they're talking about a, a, a last name.

• 27:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, let me ask you this. And this is a guy whose name rhymes with a not-great lunch meat. Was your childhood pretty rough?

• 27:20Speaker 02

  I got a lot of, I got a lot of nicknames. I got a lot of nicknames. And a lot of, a lot of people, you know, rhyming it with things. And also, there's, there's also, you know, characters in, in, in novels that are kind of, that sound like my last name. So it's also, you know, it also has some, you know, there's, there's that addition to it also. So it's not the most appealing last name. So, that, that would give you a little bit more context.

• 27:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, that, that, in a million years, I didn't expect to go down this road, but this is, this is awesome. Like, so...

• 28:04Speaker 02

  That's a overtake.

• 28:06Dr. John Delony?

  So, when y'all have sat down, the conversation that she's had with you is, I, I don't wanna live the rest of my life with people making fun of my last name, rhyming it with things. I don't want our kids having that experience, so I'd rather keep my last name.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, for the most part. Also, you know, kinda like what you were saying earlier, you know, her last name is very important to her, of course, and also with her heritage. So, she, she really, really loves her last name. You know, it's got like, her name's got like a nice flow to it. My, my, mine does not have the best flow to it. So, she really, really enjoys.

• 28:45Dr. John Delony?

  Dude, here's what I love, right, right this second. Everyone listening is dying to know, and I'm not gonna ask you to tell them. We're not gonna tell them.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  I, I wish, I wish I could, I really do.

• 28:57Dr. John Delony?

  No, I'm, I'm, I'm glad that we're not, cuz I want people just to guess.

• 29:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:02Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe we'll, in the show, Kel and I will guess, we'll just make up names that we guess. That would be super fun.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  I love it.

• 29:08Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so I'm gonna ask you a real hard question, okay?

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 29:15Dr. John Delony?

  Is there a part of you that would like to be done with the fun making and the jokes? And like, there's, there's a part of you that's like, dude, this would be an, an easy path for me?

• 29:27Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I, I would, I wouldn't be a hundred percent honest with you if I, if I didn't say absolutely a hundred percent yes.

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And then there's part of you, obviously, that's hung up on, this is my great grandfather's names, my granddad's names, my dad's name, and who am I to exit out of our family name, right?

• 29:46Speaker 02

  Absolu- absolutely, absolutely.

• 29:49Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's a tough one, man. That's real tough, because I totally get that.

• 29:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And, and I would be lying if I didn't say, oh, you know, I don't care what people say.

• 29:58Dr. John Delony?

  Of course you do. We all do.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I, that would not be fair and honest for me to say, so I can't say that. Um, but at the same time, I'm like, if I want, if, if I want to take her last name, you know, I'll definitely, I'll do whatever I want. But then it's, it's gonna, it, it, it's gonna make me think, and it's gonna, uh, make, make me think of what others are thinking.

• 30:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Um, so it's a kind of a, it's a, it's a wild one. I've tried to do research on it myself, and there's not much out there. Um, so I would love, I would love your take on it.

• 30:29Dr. John Delony?

  Well, there, there is from a more, um, from, from absent the situation, I don't have any research on this particular situation. I know of literature, um, actually, somebody sent me a study just a, a month or two ago about, um, there is long-term relationship prospects when somebody demands, when somebody won't take each other's name.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Hmm, okay.

• 30:56Dr. John Delony?

  And it's gender specific, right? So when a, in a heterosexual couple, when, when a man is marrying a woman and she won't take his last name, there is, like, if you, I can't say it's causal, one doesn't cause the other, but

• 31:09Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 31:10Dr. John Delony?

  there is a sense out of the gate, there's a sense out of the gate, we're not coming together on a thing. I'm my, me and you're you.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  Gotcha.

• 31:21Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so

• 31:22Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 31:22Dr. John Delony?

  that does exist. I don't know any research that talks about what you're experiencing right now. Other, other than, here, here's what I would, here's the thoughts coming to my mind, okay?

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:33Dr. John Delony?

  Number one, you've lived a life of carrying a name that you were given.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:44Dr. John Delony?

  And because of how it rhymes with other things, and because people in fiction stories named characters somewhat similar to it, I guess? Like

• 31:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:55Dr. John Delony?

  you've, you've carried, and I hate to say this, you've carried the blessing of that last name, and you've carried the burden of that last name by no choice of your own.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, correct.

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  So if you choose to discard that name and take your wife's name moving forward,

• 32:11Dr. John Delony?

  then you get to take whatever comes your way via a decision you made. You get to take ownership of this.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:21Dr. John Delony?

  Which is a new principle for you.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 32:24Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And I, I only have my wife's experience to flip-flop it, right? But she was, um, like, just watching her go through the, like, she was a writer, like, a, like a academic writer, and so her publications, the ones that had her maiden name on it versus my, like, when she took my last name on it, um, driver's license, like, it's a pain in the butt, man, professionally. It's a huge pain in the butt.

• 32:53Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 32:54Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 32:54Speaker 02

  Absolutely. I got, I got licenses and certifications and, yeah.

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll, and I'll say, it's a huge pain in the butt, and it's some emails, and probably a, you know, a driver's license. It, it, it's, it's a, it's logistics.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:10Dr. John Delony?

  So it, it's a pain in the butt, not like, um, I gotta go get tattoo removed, but it's a pain in the butt, right?

• 33:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 33:19Dr. John Delony?

  Um, you'll have to send a bunch of paperwork, and you'll have to get on the phone and call people, and you'll have to, like, I thought your name was, you changed your name, like, you'd have to deal with all that, right?

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Absolutely, yep.

• 33:28Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're a big deal at work, it will be like, oh, so you don't want to be whatever rhymes with, like, yes, you're exactly right.

• 33:35Speaker 02

  And that's exactly what my, my, my brain goes through. That's exactly what it, it goes to.

• 33:40Dr. John Delony?

  And so my, my next thought is, is there a way to have your cake and eat it too, which is, um, I'm thinking of somebody right now that I've walked alongside who got divorced, but has a very established professional career. And she did not change her, what I would say, her professional name.

• 34:01Speaker 02

  Gotcha.

• 34:02Dr. John Delony?

  But her, but her driver's license is different. Um, her, um, in fact, well, actually, she may have kept her driver's license, actually.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 34:09Dr. John Delony?

  Um, that's, that's still the same.

• 34:11Speaker 02

  Um, yep.

• 34:12Dr. John Delony?

  But, so there, there's ways to go about shifting and changing that kind of stuff.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I, and we were also talking about, you know, possibly hyphenating, but I have a long last name, and she also has a long last name, so it just

• 34:27Dr. John Delony?

  Oh dude, please.

• 34:28Speaker 02

  like filling out forms, you know, it's like they will

• 34:30Dr. John Delony?

  Just for me, do it. Just for me.

• 34:34Speaker 02

  It would be like thirty characters, it's like, okay, this is, this, I can't, we can't be doing this.

• 34:38Dr. John Delony?

  Um, like, no, dude, if you, no, listen, man, this is so awesome. If you go to, like, the, the passport office and you're like, hi, my name is Nate, uh, Nate Shama Lama Ding Dong hyphen, who let the dogs out, that would be so great. That'd be awesome.

• 34:56Speaker 02

  Fantastic. That'd be fantastic.

• 34:58Dr. John Delony?

  Just for a random guy like me, standing behind you in line, you'll make my day. Like, that's awesome.

• 35:04Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 35:05Dr. John Delony?

  My name rhymes with lunch meat. That guy, he's got it, right? No, I mean

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 35:10Dr. John Delony?

  I don't know, here's the thing, I don't know that there is a comfortable way through this.

• 35:18Speaker 02

  Yes. Uh, I, I actually, I wanted to get your thoughts on, on something, so I, I thought about it, it's, it's, it's been in my head. My, my wife and me have been married for almost two years now.

• 35:29Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so you already did it. So you

• 35:31Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 35:33Dr. John Delony?

  So did you, so did you take her name?

• 35:37Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no. I haven't done anything yet. So it's still, we're still, like, name-wise, we're still individuals. Of course, we signed a, you know, marriage certificate and, and all that good stuff.

• 35:48Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 35:48Speaker 02

  Um, but we've been married for almost two years. We just haven't had, um, kids yet. So in the future, we're looking to have kids. We want that family unity. We, we, we strive for that, and we think it's very important. Um, one idea that I did think of, um, that I told my wife, and she's actually pretty open to, is, is for her middle name and for my middle name, we would use my last name, and then for our last name, we would take her last name.

• 36:17Dr. John Delony?

  The, the big thing here is, is this, is that what I don't want to have happen, and if y'all have avoided this, this is me taking the call dark for a second.

• 36:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 36:27Dr. John Delony?

  If y'all have avoided this, what I don't want to have happen is that at some point, somebody draws an either-or line.

• 36:35Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 36:36Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 36:37Speaker 02

  I see, yeah.

• 36:38Dr. John Delony?

  Like, she finds out her pregnant, and, and you sit down with your dad and say, dad, this name has haunted me. I've been made fun of, I got beat up for it, I've, whatever, and I recognize your name, but this is an opportunity that I can change this for my son, and I'm going to. And your father sits down and gives you a history lesson on this name, and here's the, like, the legacy of this name, and you come away from that, and I'm making something totally up right now, right?

• 37:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 37:01Dr. John Delony?

  But you come away from that conversation, and you're like, I am so proud to wear that name.

• 37:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:07Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm proud, forget the, what it rhymes with, I'm proud to be one of them.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:13Dr. John Delony?

  And then your wife says,

• 37:14Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 37:15Dr. John Delony?

  well, you can go to hell, because my, my kid's not gonna be named that.

• 37:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  Now y'all have got a real big issue that all of, that y'all have kind of just danced around because you could, right?

• 37:25Speaker 02

  Yes, absolutely.

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  And so

• 37:27Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 37:27Dr. John Delony?

  do you believe in your guts?

• 37:31Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm, I'm doing something that I would never recommend somebody do, but

• 37:34Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 37:35Dr. John Delony?

  if you just, if you said, I'm holding the line, if we are to have a child, it will have my, like, he or she will have my last name, would your wife say, I'm out then?

• 37:48Speaker 02

  No, no, absolutely not. No. Oh, yeah, we, we are very, communication-wise, we are always, um, mostly, we're on the same page. Of course, we have disagreements, who doesn't? But, um, most of the time, man, we, we have, we have a great marriage, and I'm, I'm blessed. I'm totally blessed. Our communication's on point, um, and we make compromises because we feel each other, and we compromise uh, smartly, and, and, and we compromise, um, to the best of our abilities, and, and usually, we're, we're always on the same page. So that, that's something in my heart of hearts that I would know that she, she would not, she would not do.

• 38:28Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna say it this way, because it sounds like y'all are doing it perfectly, which is, I love marital compromise towards something, not away from something.

• 38:36Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 38:36Dr. John Delony?

  I don't like compromise in avoidance of. I love compromise towards, we want what's best for us, which sometimes means

• 38:45Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not gonna get the dinner I want, but you know what I get? I get a wife who's super gonna feel great tonight, and a wife who's

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:52Dr. John Delony?

  gonna have a ton of joy. I win more than any stupid meal, right? Or compromise on the TV show, I wanna watch something really scary and crazy, and she wants to watch a Hallmark movie. We're gonna compromise something more towards the Hallmark movie, right? Or, you know what? Let's just don't watch TV. But like, you're, we're compromising towards a thing that furthers our relationship, not that one of us gets buried and one of us wins, right?

• 39:15Speaker 02

  Absolutely, yep.

• 39:17Dr. John Delony?

  So, I don't have, dude, I, uh, thank you for letting me talk in circles. I don't have a great answer for you.

• 39:24Dr. John Delony?

  Other than, I want you, if you choose to not take your last name, I think, again, take my opinion for what it is. Uh, and let me just say, I'm a four-generation Texan, and now I'm Tennessean, which is, if you read history as Texas granddad. If I'm gonna make something that's that big of a move, um, I, I, I feel like I would owe it to sit down with my father and have that hard conversation that way.

• 39:53Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 39:54Dr. John Delony?

  Um, it wouldn't be something that I would feel right about just kinda trying to skirt under the table.

• 40:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:01Dr. John Delony?

  Um, and if my grandfather was still alive, I'd probably feel that however brutal that conversation would be, I'd feel like I need to sit down and, and look him in the eye and say, I'm about to make a grown ass man decision. And, um, I'm not doing it as a sign of disrespect to you. I'm doing it as a, making a personal choice.

• 40:20Speaker 02

  Um, yeah.

• 40:21Dr. John Delony?

  For something different.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying. Um, you know, unfortunately, I, you know, I don't have any grandparents that are, that are still alive and, uh, unfortunately about five years ago, my father passed away.

• 40:34Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, I'm so sorry.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  So my, my last name.

• 40:38Dr. John Delony?

  You're it, huh?

• 40:38Speaker 02

  You know, that's where it gets jumbled up. You know, that's where it gets, uh, there, it adds more to, you know, layers to it.

• 40:44Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I guess at the end of the day, the, when you started this call, it, it, the way you framed it was, my wife really wants to keep her last name. I would love for you to wrap your head around ownership of what happens with your name.

• 41:00Speaker 02

  Hmm, okay.

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm not gonna sacrifice it in the name of peace, just so somebody didn't get their feelings or whatever. I carried this thing, my dad got made fun of, my mom and sisters got made fun of, I got made fun of.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:13Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna end this with my son.

• 41:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:16Dr. John Delony?

  And rightly or wrongly, whatever, but I'm gonna make this choice and thank goodness, I've got an awesome wife and her last name's Rad and we're gonna take that one and run, run with it. Thank you so much for the call, brother. Appreciate you and man, you and your wife, y'all keep working together, compromising towards making the best marriage possible. It's awesome and best of luck to you, dude, with whatever you do.

• 41:41Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists, someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying. They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help

• 42:26Dr. John Delony?

  you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall isn't a weakness, it's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni.

• 42:58Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Lynn. Hey Lynn, what's going on?

• 43:02Speaker 03

  Hey John, how is it going?

• 43:05Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing ridiculous, having a great time. How are you?

• 43:09Speaker 03

  I'm good. I'm kinda starstruck talking to you over the phone lines, but I'm really excited.

• 43:13Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, if we were hanging out in person, you would not be starstruck. I'm, I'm pretty lame, so, but I do appreciate you calling. What's up?

• 43:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, so, um, my question was, should I be upset about my husband's porn use after recently finding nude photos of women on his phone?

• 43:36Speaker 03

  I was kinda curious if this was like a normal behavior or if this is, I don't know if I should relax and I don't know, I don't know what's normal.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  So my big question for you is this. What is it about your innate gut feeling that something disgusts you or makes you uncomfortable? Is your, your immediate first response is, I'm probably just overreacting?

• 44:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, um, I feel like he doesn't tell me everything in life.

• 44:15Dr. John Delony?

  You think?

• 44:16Speaker 03

  I, I know. I mean, in this aspect, yes.

• 44:20Dr. John Delony?

  But, but if you have a story that you're telling yourself that, that you can't handle if he told you everything, or you're not worth him telling you everything, or everybody's got secrets and I'll just need to keep my mouth shut.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:33Dr. John Delony?

  If that's the story that you repeat in your mind over and over?

• 44:37Speaker 03

  I think that is, I think I'd rather not know than know.

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, what is it about knowing?

• 44:44Speaker 03

  What is it about knowing that?

• 44:46Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you're gonna have to deal with that reality?

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, definitely.

• 44:52Dr. John Delony?

  So let me tell you this, your body is dealing with that reality on a daily basis.

• 44:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:58Dr. John Delony?

  Your body's anxious, your stomach always hurts. Your back's always tense, you're dealing with it, you have headaches, you're dealing with it.

• 45:08Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly.

• 45:09Dr. John Delony?

  And the challenge, your body's trying to get your attention and you keep blaming yourself for it.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so let me say.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  No, I don't, no, yeah, go ahead.

• 45:19Dr. John Delony?

  Let me say this as boldly as I can. You are allowed to be upset about whatever in the world you wanna be upset about.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  And, and let me ask you this, I wanna delineate rightly or wrongly, there's a difference for me of running to grab something on your husband's laptop and he didn't clear his search history and you stumble on a pornography site that he was on. And then had him having pictures of women on his phone. Especially if they're women that he knows or women from Facebook Marketplace or, you know, you get what I'm saying?

• 45:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:54Dr. John Delony?

  So tell me about that.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  So, um, we have, you know, like a Firestick TV and your daily memories can like play on the screen, like your screensaver. You know, it's pictures of our family and vacations and all of a sudden there was a nude woman on our screen.

• 46:16Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, good God.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was, it was actually our bedroom while we were getting ready to go out and I looked at it and I was like, should I say anything?

• 46:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, Lynn, yes!

• 46:30Speaker 03

  I just like, I was stunned, like, I was like, why? And he did not, he's like, that's not my picture. I'm like, all the other pictures were your pictures.

• 46:39Dr. John Delony?

  What a nine-year-old. Not mine, dude, not mine.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's like, it had to come off someone else's phone. I'm like, like, no, how is all those other pictures our memories and then this comes up and it's not yours?

• 46:53Speaker 03

  So I was like.

• 46:55Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so, and I sound like I'm parsing here, cause there's two different tracks that we need to walk down.

• 47:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:00Dr. John Delony?

  Depending on how you answer this. Was it a pornographic image? Or, and what I mean by that was like, was it from a website or is it somebody that he knows?

• 47:10Speaker 03

  Well, I didn't recognize her, but it was like a selfie in the mirror, like completely nude. Like to where it's almost like it got sent to him.

• 47:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So I think you've got a bigger problem on your hands.

• 47:25Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  And your response just then tells me that doesn't surprise you?

• 47:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. I've always had questions, but.

• 47:38Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:38Speaker 03

  I try, I try to.

• 47:40Dr. John Delony?

  I know, you try to shove it down and pretend it's not happening.

• 47:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 47:44Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:46Dr. John Delony?

  For whatever it's worth, I think you're worth more than that.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Thank you.

• 47:53Dr. John Delony?

  I also know that calling it out for what it is and going through credit card receipts and going through histories and going through iCloud's might.

• 48:04Speaker 03

  Well, that's where like, I don't have access to anything. We don't like share anything.

• 48:13Speaker 03

  And yeah, that's where I'm like, is, there's gotta be more than.

• 48:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I hate this for you.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  I just don't wanna believe it or.

• 48:30Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 48:31Speaker 03

  Look at it.

• 48:32Dr. John Delony?

  I know.

• 48:36Dr. John Delony?

  But literally it found you.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 48:41Dr. John Delony?

  And then through his lie, he looked at you and said, I think she's so stupid. I'm gonna say this.

• 48:48Speaker 03

  I know. And I asked him, like, just tell me the truth. I'm like, just be honest. Like, I can get over it. Just tell me. And he was like, he was more mad at me for seeing it than

• 48:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 48:58Speaker 03

  I was at him for finding it.

• 49:01Dr. John Delony?

  It's not funny, Lynn. I'm, I'm

• 49:03Speaker 03

  I know.

• 49:03Dr. John Delony?

  heartbroken for you.

• 49:05Speaker 03

  My nervous laugh.

• 49:06Dr. John Delony?

  No, I know. I do too. I laugh at the worst possible moments. I get it, but.

• 49:10Speaker 03

  Oh, good.

• 49:15Dr. John Delony?

  If your husband is looking at anonymous people on the internet in pornography, yes, you're, you're

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  perfectly right to be disgusted by that and be grossed out, feel less than, have all the feelings in the world you want.

• 49:29Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:30Dr. John Delony?

  You're also, I'll, I'll tell you this, you're a grown up. You can also be like, that doesn't bother me at all.

• 49:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. That's why I wonder if I should be that way.

• 49:38Dr. John Delony?

  I, I, I think the, what you have settled for and that you call a marriage that you've settled for.

• 49:46Dr. John Delony?

  Where we're so disconnected. And I get it. Can I ask you a, a scary question?

• 49:52Speaker 03

  Sure.

• 49:53Dr. John Delony?

  Are you safe?

• 49:54Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:56Dr. John Delony?

  He's a, he's a safe man?

• 49:58Speaker 03

  He is safe, yes.

• 49:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 50:02Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I often hear this level of distant language from somebody who's had, is, is unsafe. So I'll say this, if you're not safe, I'm gonna implore you

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  to get safe.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. And I know that will come at an extreme cost.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  But you're worth being safe. Okay?

• 50:24Speaker 03

  Yes. Yeah.

• 50:26Dr. John Delony?

  And you've buried yourself in shoulds and have tos and need tos.

• 50:35Dr. John Delony?

  And for whatever it's worth, I think you, I think everybody is worth, but I'm talking to you. You're worth sitting down with a yellow pad and saying, here's what I want.

• 50:45Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 50:47Dr. John Delony?

  I want a husband that's not receiving, sending nude photos to other women he works with or women around the corner.

• 50:55Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 50:57Dr. John Delony?

  I don't wanna know whether I have an STI every time, every, every night.

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Right.

• 51:04Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want, if, do you have kids?

• 51:07Speaker 03

  We are a blended family. We have six kids.

• 51:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 51:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  So they're absorbing in real time, oh, this is how couples who call themselves married, this is how they live. One person does whatever the bloody hell he wants to do, and the other person just goes along with it.

• 51:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's basically it.

• 51:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 51:31Speaker 03

  So what should I do? Just sit down and put it all on the table?

• 51:36Dr. John Delony?

  I think you

• 51:41Dr. John Delony?

  I think you have to be clear about what you want.

• 51:45Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I feel like I have said things, you know, about like, all the other stuff he doesn't tell me. But I guess it's just.

• 51:54Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the honest to God truth. And I've said this to more than a few men and women in my life.

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  The divorce attorney gets access to everything.

• 52:06Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:07Dr. John Delony?

  Every text message you've ever sent, every email, every iCloud photo, even the ones you think you delete, they go get them. Every bank record, every credit card statement.

• 52:16Speaker 03

  I went through a bad divorce before and I know that.

• 52:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So this illusion of no one's gonna find out?

• 52:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:23Dr. John Delony?

  You wanna take it far enough, someone gonna find out and they're gonna read it publicly.

• 52:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:29Dr. John Delony?

  I have somebody that I know that, well, I won't talk about that. I, I've, I've seen and especially heard of some wild depositions in divorce hearings.

• 52:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so if you wanna, it, it, the, the old saying is like, you wanna dance, we'll dance, brother.

• 52:50Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 52:50Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you've got nothing to hide, then dude, you know what I'm saying?

• 52:55Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. I get it.

• 52:59Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm assuming you don't share a checking account with him?

• 53:02Speaker 03

  We have one account together, but he also has like five other accounts.

• 53:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, that's right. That's right.

• 53:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. Mm-hmm. So.

• 53:11Dr. John Delony?

  And I'm assuming you don't have his code, his passcode to his phone?

• 53:16Speaker 03

  Nope. And I never wanna look at it. Like, I just, I never wanna know it. It just happened to come on TV one day. Like, uh, yeah, I just, I guess I've always just lived like, I don't wanna know. I'll just live my happy life behind, like, pretending like nothing's wrong.

• 53:39Speaker 03

  And I don't know why.

• 53:40Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the deal, you're a grown up and you get to do whatever you wanna do.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:44Dr. John Delony?

  I'm just telling you, I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

• 53:48Dr. John Delony?

  Cause that's a very lonely, lonely life.

• 53:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:53Dr. John Delony?

  Fair?

• 53:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is fair, definitely.

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry, I wish I could have a more positive ending on this thing.

• 54:05Speaker 03

  That's okay. I appreciate you talking to me about it. Sometimes it's just nice to hear.

• 54:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, you're not, you're not crazy.

• 54:11Speaker 03

  Tell me.

• 54:12Dr. John Delony?

  Uh, I, I think having, uh, here's what I want, and most importantly, well, not most importantly, equally important, here's what I want.

• 54:22Dr. John Delony?

  Um, here's what must be true, and then this is important, here's my or what statement. Or me and my biological kids leave.

• 54:33Dr. John Delony?

  And if you don't wanna do that, that's never gonna be on the table, then okay.

• 54:38Dr. John Delony?

  Then everything that you want, as you've stated it before, whether directly or sort of, you know, kind of like hinted at it or whatever, he's been like, I don't care. Not doing that.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:53Dr. John Delony?

  Let me ask you a, like a heartbreaking question. If you said I'm leaving, would he fight for you?

• 55:01Speaker 03

  No. I don't think he would. I think I need like, well, what I feel, I need him more than he needs me.

• 55:11Dr. John Delony?

  Is that a story you're making up, or is he pretty clear about that arrangement?

• 55:14Speaker 03

  I mean, he provides for me. I feel like I would have nothing without him. If I left, I would have to start from scratch.

• 55:25Speaker 03

  I think he would be fine without me.

• 55:29Speaker 03

  And, yeah, I don't know that he would fight.

• 55:34Speaker 03

  Because he'll let me like go cry in the other room without ever talking to me. So.

• 55:42Speaker 03

  But yeah, it's like deciding like, stay in this life, like, cause we have a good life.

• 55:49Dr. John Delony?

  No, you don't.

• 55:51Speaker 03

  Well, material life, maybe not an emotional life.

• 55:56Dr. John Delony?

  Good God, buddy. Do you hear what you're saying?

• 56:00Speaker 03

  I know. I know. It's horrible. I know. I always like imagine if it was switched, I would probably would leave if I was the one with everything. You know, like I would.

• 56:14Dr. John Delony?

  Well, yeah, and I mean, that's the, the, that's the evil deal with the devil that I hear often from, especially from stay at home moms.

• 56:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:24Dr. John Delony?

  Is like, cool, Deloney. Yeah, sure, I'm gonna go. And then what? Then where do I go?

• 56:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:28Dr. John Delony?

  I've been out of the workforce for 10 years. I've got three kids. We have nowhere to live. I got no family. Um, so it sounds all like, so there's definitely, without question, a cost.

• 56:38Speaker 03

  Yes. Mm-hmm.

• 56:40Dr. John Delony?

  No question.

• 56:42Speaker 03

  No question. No.

• 56:45Speaker 03

  He's basically my boss too, so.

• 56:49Speaker 03

  I guess I would have to leave everything.

• 56:53Dr. John Delony?

  So let me rephrase that for you, okay?

• 56:55Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 56:56Dr. John Delony?

  You have nothing.

• 57:00Speaker 03

  That's how I feel.

• 57:01Dr. John Delony?

  It's true.

• 57:02Speaker 03

  But without him, yeah.

• 57:04Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, no, no, no.

• 57:08Dr. John Delony?

  You have nothing.

• 57:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 03

  Like, yeah, you're right.

• 57:18Speaker 03

  And that's scary.

• 57:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 57:24Dr. John Delony?

  If you were a friend of mine, I'd be very scared for you.

• 57:27Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 57:30Speaker 03

  Well, it makes me scared even more.

• 57:33Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it's just you're so exposed. Your kids are so exposed.

• 57:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 57:42Dr. John Delony?

  Because now it's not, now it gets to a place of desperation. I can't ask. I can't, I can't say what I want.

• 57:50Dr. John Delony?

  My voice can't be heard. Cause I'm in such a fragile situation emotionally, relationally, spiritually, psychologically, financially.

• 58:01Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm.

• 58:01Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 58:02Speaker 03

  Right. And that's why I just accept it.

• 58:08Speaker 03

  Every day.

• 58:12Dr. John Delony?

  So I'll tell you, man, you, you can do what you wanna do.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Well, yeah.

• 58:18Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll sit here with you regardless of the decisions you make.

• 58:21Speaker 03

  Well, thank you.

• 58:22Dr. John Delony?

  But I'll tell you, I think you're worth more than this.

• 58:25Speaker 03

  I appreciate that.

• 58:27Dr. John Delony?

  Like a whole lot more.

• 58:29Speaker 03

  Mm-hmm. Thank you.

• 58:32Dr. John Delony?

  So no, you're not, you're not wrong for feeling hurt.

• 58:37Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 58:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 58:39Speaker 03

  All right.

• 58:41Dr. John Delony?

  You're not wrong for feeling hurt.

• 58:46Dr. John Delony?

  You're not crazy. Okay?

• 58:48Speaker 03

  Thanks. All right.

• 58:50Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Thanks for the call, sister. Be right back.

• 58:54Dr. John Delony?

  What's up? Dr. John Deloney here. When was the last time you and your spouse got away, just the two of you? No kids, no work, no distractions, just time to reconnect. Most couples can't remember. That's why Rachel Cruz and I created the Money and Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville to laugh together, learn and grow with your spouse. We have a weekend on sale right now, October 22nd through 24th, 2026. Get your tickets at ramsysolutions.com/events or by clicking the link in the show notes. All right, we're back. Hey, I wanna take this time to tell you, if you will click the link in the show notes, I will send you a PDF.

• 59:36Dr. John Delony?

  It's simple, it's direct, and it is the play by play for you and your spouse, even you and your romantic partner, if you're dating somebody seriously. A way to sit at the table and plan the upcoming week. Talks about calendar stuff, money stuff, intimacy stuff, like putting things on the calendar. But it's just the, it's a version of what me and my wife have done for years, which is to sit down and say, what's coming at us this week and who are we gonna be in the face of all of this stuff? And it can feel overwhelming and it can also feel kind of like, I should know how to do this. This should be so easy. But then life comes at us a thousand miles an hour and it gets sideways real fast. So click the link in the show notes. I'll send it to you free of charge. There's nothing.

• 1:00:18Dr. John Delony?

  Just want to begin to get some of these tools out that people ask me about all the time. And the weekly rundown tool is one I get all the time. So check it out. Love you guys and I'll see you next time around.