“John Mayer LIVE”

Open up your fortune cookie, it’s John Mayer- LIVE from Los Angeles. Give ‘em the pickle, UTI jokes, and giving Yes-And a run for its money. Welcome to our marriage, it’s an all-new SmartLess… LIVE!

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Will Arnett?

  This episode of Smartless and our live show was made possible by Ashley, the brand that is supporting real change where it is needed most. Did you know that more than 7 million children are affected by the welfare system and over 368,000 are currently in foster care? So when we heard those numbers, we were shocked. That's why we partnered with Ashley and Sirius XM to make a donation to For Others, an organization working to end the child welfare crisis in America. And I gotta tell you, it feels really good to be working with a brand that is making a positive impact. Not only are they generous over at Ashley, they also hooked us up with some incredibly

• 0:42Will Arnett?

  comfy furniture, which is nice as well. And they provided a lot of furniture for our onstage live show. That was also very great because we figured sitting on the floor would have looked very awkward and been very uncomfortable. It was actually like podcasting in a living room, but just nicer than mine. I'm not saying that I fell asleep mid-show, but I might have, you know, listening to Sean and, you know, Jason, being on an Ashley couch, boy, that'll put you out. Anyway, Ashley offers timeless, well-crafted furniture with white glove delivery right to your door. Visit your local Ashley store or head to ashley.com to find your style.

• 1:27Will Arnett?

  This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by Skinny Pop popcorn. We had snacks at the live show, thanks to Skinny Pop Original, which, if you haven't had it, it's deliciously popped, it's perfectly salted, and somehow, it's always the first thing gone in the green room. When I say somehow, I mean Sean and Jason because...

• 1:51Will Arnett?

  As soon as we got there, we had this green room that had all this Skinny Pop, because like I mentioned, Skinny Pop was one of the sponsors. Those guys, you would have thought that they'd never tried it before, or that they hadn't eaten in years, because they just started, they literally, it was embarrassing. And them talking to the Skinny Pop people, Sean going like, "We really love Skinny Pop." We're like, "Yeah, they know, man. They know." Anyway, it was awesome to have them as one of our sponsors. And then I gave those guys so much crap about eating all the Skinny Pop. And then when I was onstage during the show, I ended up opening a bag and eating it myself. So, you know, it's a lot of glass houses on this show. It's a recurring theme. And it's one of those snacks where you eat it and you're like, "Yeah, I get why it's popular. It's just really good." So Skinny Pop, it's deliciously pop, perfectly salted, popular for a reason.

• 2:36Will Arnett?

  Learn more at hersheyland.com/skinnypop.

• 2:44Sean Hayes?

  This special episode of Smartless was recorded live at the Avalon Theater, thanks to our friends at Starbucks. And really, what's better than a cold beverage during a live show? We're talking about the ultimate summer sips from Starbucks, whether it's the unofficial drink of the summer, the summer berry refresher, or the new Strato Frappuccino blended beverage. These beverages are handcrafted to help savor the season. When I was doing the show, I had an iced chai latte. The iced chai lattes at Starbucks are the best. I love them. I drink them like in one gulp. They're so delicious. Your summer favorites are ready at Starbucks.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Good evening and welcome to Smartless Live.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Are you ready to get going?

• 3:37Sean Hayes?

  Oh, God. I don't know. I don't know if I want... How is this guy still talking? No, you have to do it.

• 3:44Speaker 02

  Please welcome the guys from Smartless.

• 4:01Jason Bateman?

  Hello, Los Angeles!

• 4:04Will Arnett?

  Hi!

• 4:09Will Arnett?

  I think we should start with a little crowd work.

• 4:11Jason Bateman?

  Sure, sure.

• 4:12Will Arnett?

  We've never done a little crowd work.

• 4:13Jason Bateman?

  Do the wave?

• 4:14Sean Hayes?

  Fell right off the stage.

• 4:16Jason Bateman?

  Last time I was here, I was right about where you were, sir. With a belly full of booze, watching Smash 'Em Campions play up here. Oh, wow! That was about 25 years ago when it was the Palace. Anybody?

• 4:31Will Arnett?

  And it was just booze, right?

• 4:33Jason Bateman?

  Just the booze.

• 4:34Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. The last time I was here was for some gay bullshit.

• 4:38Jason Bateman?

  No!

• 4:40Will Arnett?

  Well, happy bride!

• 4:44Will Arnett?

  And also happy bride, yeah, let's hit it.

• 4:47Jason Bateman?

  Um, so... Look at this nice Ashley furniture here.

• 4:50Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 4:51Jason Bateman?

  I mean, unbelievable!

• 4:53Sean Hayes?

  Wow, it makes me want to go right to sleep.

• 4:55Will Arnett?

  How many microphones do we get?

• 4:57Sean Hayes?

  I don't know. I don't know.

• 4:58Jason Bateman?

  Guys, I'm so thirsty, I need a little pick-me-up.

• 5:01Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 5:04Sean Hayes?

  Me too. Oh, oh, it's empty.

• 5:08Will Arnett?

  There we go.

• 5:08Sean Hayes?

  What if they were all empty? I was just like...

• 5:11Jason Bateman?

  And I guess if you're hungry, just...

• 5:13Will Arnett?

  Sure.

• 5:15Jason Bateman?

  Um, Sean, what's the prop?

• 5:17Sean Hayes?

  This is, this was so our, the people that really make us look good are Rob...

• 5:22Jason Bateman?

  That's not your personal?

• 5:23Sean Hayes?

  It's what? No, it's not my personal.

• 5:26Will Arnett?

  You don't need to eat while we're doing this.

• 5:27Sean Hayes?

  So Rob Bennett and Michael, the people that make this show, they made this for me because Chin Chin went out of business. And you know I love Chin Chin as much sodium as I can get. And so they just gave it to me backstage and I walked out with it and I opened it.

• 5:43Will Arnett?

  Uh-oh.

• 5:43Sean Hayes?

  This is real. They just gave it to me as a gift. And guess what's inside?

• 5:47Jason Bateman?

  Oh, I want one of those.

• 5:48Sean Hayes?

  Fucking cookies!

• 5:50Jason Bateman?

  Well, I won't.

• 5:53Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 5:54Jason Bateman?

  Isn't it when you pick a fortune cookie, you gotta pick the cookie that's smiling at you? Right?

• 5:59Will Arnett?

  You know, one of the things, uh, I love that you guys, so who, you guys know about Chin Chin and Sean's, uh, write affinity for Chin Chin, you guys know about that? You guys are, you guys listen to the show, uh, from time to time?

• 6:13Will Arnett?

  You're familiar with some of the characters in the show? You guys, you guys familiar with, we talk about our friend Dan Dees, you hear about Dan? Oh, boy. Dan, stick your hand up. Come on, Dan. There he is!

• 6:25Sean Hayes?

  I didn't know you were here, Danny.

• 6:27Will Arnett?

  We got Don right next to him. Hi, Donny. Josh is here somewhere, Josh, where are you at? He's maybe on the side.

• 6:34Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, there he is. And where's my dad?

• 6:35Will Arnett?

  There's Josh.

• 6:36Sean Hayes?

  Where's my dad? Is my dad here?

• 6:39Will Arnett?

  Oh, shh, yeah. Oh, that's just, that's just a block away on the 101. No, he's sharing his location. He's sharing his location with me right now.

• 6:47Jason Bateman?

  Oh, so, this says seize the opportunities that will define your future's course.

• 6:53Sean Hayes?

  Oh.

• 6:54Jason Bateman?

  What, what does that mean?

• 6:55Sean Hayes?

  Anyway, I have an opening story.

• 6:56Will Arnett?

  I think it means do something.

• 6:58Jason Bateman?

  Do you have an opening story?

• 6:59Sean Hayes?

  I do, it's really good.

• 7:00Jason Bateman?

  You've worked on some bits?

• 7:01Sean Hayes?

  I did, I worked, I, well, that was the first bit that just was, right? Alright, so listen. Alright, so this is, this is, I don't know if you guys are gonna give a shit. But, uh, a couple of days ago-

• 7:10Jason Bateman?

  By the way, thank you for coming, you guys.

• 7:12Sean Hayes?

  Yes, thank you, guys!

• 7:14Jason Bateman?

  I, we're, we're always amazed that you guys, uh, listen to us talk about nothing.

• 7:21Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 7:22Jason Bateman?

  But I guess the part that makes it understandable is that you're, you're doing something that is sort of brainless and it's like, well, why not augment it with something that's brain, like, you know, you're jogging or whatever the hell is, you're riding, uh, you know, a subway or whatever. But here, you've left your house, I just spit fortune cookie on the mic. Um, you've left the house, um, and, and you're out-

• 7:44Sean Hayes?

  Which is new for you.

• 7:45Jason Bateman?

  For us to, which is a big deal. And we're sitting on stage and just talking and, and so thank you for, for doing that, because there, there's no music, you know, and this, so thank you, thank you.

• 7:54Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, appreciate it. There's music in-

• 7:57Jason Bateman?

  Well, there is a piano, so you guys are in luck, I think.

• 8:00Will Arnett?

  On the stage.

• 8:01Jason Bateman?

  That might be for the, the, is that, is that for the mystery guests?

• 8:04Sean Hayes?

  It might be for me.

• 8:05Jason Bateman?

  It might be for you. Sean does play.

• 8:08Will Arnett?

  We might get a, are we gonna get a visit from Oscar Levad?

• 8:12Will Arnett?

  Can he, can he visit with us?

• 8:14Jason Bateman?

  By the way, you, you guys should be so lucky. Truly, we've talked about it before. He's a classically trained pianist and like to see this guy play.

• 8:22Sean Hayes?

  Nobody cares.

• 8:23Jason Bateman?

  You better get on there just a little bit today.

• 8:26Sean Hayes?

  If you wanna be put to sleep, I'll run over there and play. All right, so, cause it's like.

• 8:30Will Arnett?

  It's your story.

• 8:31Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I can't, people aren't like, I can't wait for classical music.

• 8:36Sean Hayes?

  So, so Scotty and I are unloading the dishwasher, this is a couple of days ago. And we're putting the things away and we put the tongs in the drawer, the ba, the opposite way. Have you, anybody ever done that?

• 8:48Jason Bateman?

  Sounds incredible.

• 8:49Sean Hayes?

  Right, so.

• 8:51Will Arnett?

  Keep going.

• 8:51Jason Bateman?

  God. You can't top the start.

• 8:54Will Arnett?

  You know how much traffic they had to drive through to get here? Like in Hollywood on a Thursday night.

• 9:02Sean Hayes?

  Okay.

• 9:03Jason Bateman?

  You need cards?

• 9:04Will Arnett?

  Sorry, so, the tongs. So you're putting the tongs in the dishwasher?

• 9:08Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. We put the tongs in the dishwasher.

• 9:11Will Arnett?

  This is incredible.

• 9:14Sean Hayes?

  And we couldn't open the door.

• 9:16Jason Bateman?

  What?

• 9:16Will Arnett?

  No way. Hang on, I need another sip from my Starbucks.

• 9:20Jason Bateman?

  Then what, Sean?

• 9:22Sean Hayes?

  So, so we couldn't open the door.

• 9:24Jason Bateman?

  Uh huh.

• 9:24Sean Hayes?

  We couldn't open the door and.

• 9:26Jason Bateman?

  Wait, he's checking his cards to keep himself on the story.

• 9:28Will Arnett?

  Wait, is this a long line?

• 9:30Sean Hayes?

  No, no, no, I'm thinking, I'm thinking. So, we put it in the thing and then we couldn't open it, we're like jingling, so then I said, Scotty, get the hot poker from the fireplace, right? Because it's really long and the drawer had only opened that wide, so we couldn't put our hand there. So we got the, a hot poker in there and for two hours, he's trying to get the tongs out. Look, and this is when I have a picture of Scotty after the tongs.

• 9:52Jason Bateman?

  Wait, you have, you have pictures to aid this shit story?

• 9:57Sean Hayes?

  That's Scotty and he couldn't get the thing. So then I was like, I was like, wait, I'll, I'll get a wire hanger. So then I got a wire hanger, took out the, we took out the second drawer, drawer and I put the wire hanger underneath and I'm on, inside the thing and I couldn't get it out for like two hours. I'm almost done, I'm almost done. And then, and so like.

• 10:15Will Arnett?

  I hope this pays off.

• 10:17Jason Bateman?

  You need staff.

• 10:18Sean Hayes?

  So then we had, we had to hire a handyman because we just couldn't do it. And so that, no, no, no, wait, I'm almost done. And, um, and then he comes over and he goes, oh, this happens all the time, which made me feel really good. And then he says, by any chance, do you have a wire hanger? And I was like, yeah, but good luck, it doesn't work. 10 seconds, he just got it out. That's the end of the story.

• 10:37Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 10:39Sean Hayes?

  I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

• 10:41Will Arnett?

  Honestly.

• 10:42Sean Hayes?

  Don't applaud that.

• 10:43Will Arnett?

  Our deepest apologies.

• 10:44Sean Hayes?

  You'll get more.

• 10:45Will Arnett?

  Our deepest.

• 10:46Jason Bateman?

  And you give me shit for long-winded questions. You have a long-winded story that at least mine ends with a question, Mark.

• 10:52Sean Hayes?

  But I brought a picture.

• 10:53Will Arnett?

  But that picture wasn't, I mean, I wanted to see a picture of you jackasses with the poker over.

• 10:58Sean Hayes?

  Well, we could've.

• 10:58Will Arnett?

  That would've been good to see that.

• 10:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, that, like a video of that.

• 11:01Will Arnett?

  Yeah, or a video or something. And it was just a picture of Scotty with dirty hands?

• 11:06Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, because of the poker from the fireplace.

• 11:08Will Arnett?

  Did you run this by anybody?

• 11:10Sean Hayes?

  No, I didn't.

• 11:11Will Arnett?

  You should.

• 11:12Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, okay.

• 11:12Will Arnett?

  You should've.

• 11:13Jason Bateman?

  Look at Scotty up there giggling like, "The story worked."

• 11:16Sean Hayes?

  There's Scotty.

• 11:17Jason Bateman?

  Didn't. Didn't, Scotty.

• 11:19Will Arnett?

  Scotty, is that how it happened?

• 11:24Jason Bateman?

  Hey, what's next on the cards?

• 11:26Sean Hayes?

  Should we, I have another story or I could intro the guest?

• 11:29Jason Bateman?

  No, I want to hear the other story.

• 11:30Sean Hayes?

  You do?

• 11:30Jason Bateman?

  Don't you guys want to hear another?

• 11:31Will Arnett?

  Yes.

• 11:33Sean Hayes?

  It's really, this is much faster. So Scotty and I have, I already told you guys this.

• 11:37Jason Bateman?

  Why am I all the way over here?

• 11:38Sean Hayes?

  Aw, come over here, bring the fucking thing.

• 11:41Jason Bateman?

  This thing's all wired, it's a sleeping bag on it.

• 11:43Sean Hayes?

  So Scotty and I both snore and we have like, we sleep in separate rooms because otherwise we wouldn't sleep. Because like every five seconds. And we had, we went through the whole sleep program and we got CPAPs, you know, the thing, the CPAP machine. And it goes in your nose.

• 11:58Jason Bateman?

  Let's not drift over two big, big stories right there.

• 12:03Jason Bateman?

  Separate bedrooms.

• 12:04Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 12:04Sean Hayes?

  Okay?

• 12:05Jason Bateman?

  That's not something we all do.

• 12:07Sean Hayes?

  Well, you should, you should, you sleep better.

• 12:09Jason Bateman?

  And oxygen tanks.

• 12:12Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 12:12Jason Bateman?

  While they sleep.

• 12:13Sean Hayes?

  Well, CPAP, so you know, it's hooked here and it pushes.

• 12:16Jason Bateman?

  Well, we get it, we've seen it.

• 12:17Sean Hayes?

  Okay. And it goes over your head and it's not very attractive. So anyway, so I'm lying there in bed and I turn the machine on and once it's on, it's hard to get. But you can't really open your mouth to speak because the air is pushing, doesn't it? Anyway, so he's stepping over my bed.

• 12:28Jason Bateman?

  Getting a hard on.

• 12:29Sean Hayes?

  And he goes.

• 12:31Jason Bateman?

  God, how do you guys keep it alive?

• 12:33Will Arnett?

  I mean, this is, we're, this is technically now not show business. What we're doing is not show business.

• 12:40Sean Hayes?

  Therapy now. It's not, so anyway.

• 12:41Jason Bateman?

  Scotty, you want to come down and cry a little bit?

• 12:44Sean Hayes?

  So anyway, so he's standing over me and he's just saying, "Goodnight." And I said, he's like, "All right, you good?" And I'm like, you know, I'm like, I just nod because I can't talk. And he goes, he goes, "Okay, goodnight, I love you." And I go.

• 12:56Jason Bateman?

  I love you too. Oh, God.

• 12:59Sean Hayes?

  Come on, I told you that.

• 13:01Jason Bateman?

  And no children, right?

• 13:02Sean Hayes?

  What? No what?

• 13:04Jason Bateman?

  No children?

• 13:05Sean Hayes?

  No children, no children. A dog.

• 13:06Will Arnett?

  Wait a second.

• 13:07Sean Hayes?

  A dog named Ricky. All right, let's get to our guest.

• 13:12Sean Hayes?

  Ready?

• 13:14Sean Hayes?

  Do you want to add something?

• 13:15Will Arnett?

  I mean...

• 13:16Sean Hayes?

  Do you want to add something?

• 13:17Will Arnett?

  No, I just, I just love just your day to day.

• 13:21Sean Hayes?

  It's interesting, isn't it?

• 13:22Will Arnett?

  It's incredible. There's such a whole wide world out there. And, anyway.

• 13:26Sean Hayes?

  Anyway, next time you come over, I'll show you.

• 13:28Jason Bateman?

  I do want to come over and see that.

• 13:30Sean Hayes?

  So, my guest today, our guest today.

• 13:33Jason Bateman?

  It's your guest. I won't claim the guest yet.

• 13:35Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 13:36Sean Hayes?

  Writes the kind of songs.

• 13:38Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 13:40Sean Hayes?

  That make you want to text your wife, or husband, or ex, or mistress, or hookup, or best friend.

• 13:44Jason Bateman?

  Or CPAP partner.

• 13:49Sean Hayes?

  They're also songs that you'll love and never forget for the rest of your life. He once tried stand-up comedy, collects rare watches like it's competitive sport. And swish. And swears he's not as intense as he looks mid-guitar solo. He's the reason you bought a guitar, or learned how to play the piano. And he's someone I'm proud to call our Sirius XM brother. Please welcome one of the most absurdly talented, relentlessly curious, deeply thoughtful, and consistently brilliant artists of all time, John Mayer.

• 14:20Jason Bateman?

  Wow.

• 14:22Speaker 04

  Good to see you.

• 14:23Jason Bateman?

  Good to see you, Paul.

• 14:25Will Arnett?

  Hey, man.

• 14:26Jason Bateman?

  How are you?

• 14:29Jason Bateman?

  He's fantastic. This is fantastic.

• 14:35Sean Hayes?

  That's what you, what do you got on tonight?

• 14:38Speaker 04

  AP.

• 14:38Sean Hayes?

  What's AP?

• 14:39Speaker 04

  Audemar Piguet. Oh, you got a, you got a nice glacier blue platinum.

• 14:43Sean Hayes?

  I'm gonna show you for my 50th birthday.

• 14:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:45Jason Bateman?

  So, there's an email going on.

• 14:45Will Arnett?

  John, welcome to the show, first of all, John Mayer.

• 14:47Sean Hayes?

  Thank you.

• 14:50Jason Bateman?

  Thank you for having me. Thank you. Thank you.

• 14:53Will Arnett?

  And it should be noted that we've wanted to have you on the show for a long time, which is gonna get, go into Jason's story, and I know where you're gonna start.

• 14:59Jason Bateman?

  Well, you know, the mystery guest thing is a real thing, unless it's, you know, like a president or something. We gotta like be together and no stuff. No offense. I understand. That sounded shitty. No, no, it's fine. So, there's an email that goes out the other day about this. And it says somewhere in the email, something about John Mayer. And so I'm like... I'm already here, by the way. She started clapping. But I already am here.

• 15:28Will Arnett?

  It's like with our whole group of us.

• 15:30Jason Bateman?

  It's a whole team.

• 15:31Will Arnett?

  It's like an admin thing about, this is a thing, and then with John Mayer, the guest and photo or something like that.

• 15:36Jason Bateman?

  You know, I like a little snark, so I emailed back. I go, huh, John Mayer sounds like a great guest. Hope we can get him on the show someday.

• 15:44Will Arnett?

  He does a reply all, right?

• 15:46Jason Bateman?

  Meaning like, somebody screwed up and put John Mayer on this email, now I know who the guest is.

• 15:51Will Arnett?

  So then, and then I answer...

• 15:52Jason Bateman?

  Go ahead and finish, Will.

• 15:53Will Arnett?

  Well, hang on.

• 15:56Jason Bateman?

  No, do the punchline. You guys, do it, guys.

• 15:59Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 15:59Jason Bateman?

  Do it. What else happened?

• 16:01Will Arnett?

  Well, the part that you're forgetting is that, and then I say, yeah, John Mayer would be great, because I realize that they've tipped that it's John Mayer.

• 16:08Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 16:08Will Arnett?

  But Jason doesn't really realize that they've tipped it. You didn't know that it was John.

• 16:16Jason Bateman?

  I figured it was for a later episode.

• 16:18Will Arnett?

  God.

• 16:18Jason Bateman?

  But you're...

• 16:19Will Arnett?

  This is what I'm getting at.

• 16:20Jason Bateman?

  But this genius, oh, I hope one day we can get him. That's a great idea. That didn't help. My wife, for the last six or seven days, says, you know, it's like, well, what should I wear, baby? Oh, don't worry, wear something funky, because she's really funky. And she goes, oh. I said, what? You know, telling me the sex of the guest doesn't really give away the... So it's a female, huh? She goes, yeah, I'm sorry. I said, baby, don't worry about it. So for five, six days, it's she, she, she, she. And then, of course, here comes John, and she's giggling up there in the corner.

• 16:48Will Arnett?

  Again, it said in the email that it was John Mayer, man.

• 16:52Jason Bateman?

  But not for this one. I don't think it was for this one.

• 16:54Will Arnett?

  Of course it did. It said what we're doing tonight.

• 16:56Jason Bateman?

  Oh, I'm a skimmer. I'm gonna say skim.

• 16:58Sean Hayes?

  John, welcome to the show.

• 17:00Jason Bateman?

  Thank you for having me on the show.

• 17:01Will Arnett?

  Great to be here, John.

• 17:02Jason Bateman?

  Great to be here.

• 17:03Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. Do you have, do you, um, do you own a pair of tongs? I'm kidding. So...

• 17:09Jason Bateman?

  Yes.

• 17:09Sean Hayes?

  Do you remember the first time you and I met?

• 17:13Speaker 04

  We have met, I think the only place we meet are at a certain somebody's Christmas parties.

• 17:18Sean Hayes?

  Okay, but we met before then and we have a picture of me and you meeting.

• 17:21Speaker 04

  Uh oh.

• 17:22Jason Bateman?

  You want more picture aids?

• 17:24Speaker 04

  Alright, let me try to figure out where this is.

• 17:26Sean Hayes?

  That is the bucket list premiere.

• 17:27Jason Bateman?

  That's the bucket list premiere.

• 17:29Sean Hayes?

  Yes, what you wrote, "Say what you want to say."

• 17:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, say what you need to say.

• 17:32Sean Hayes?

  For the movie, and did you know, I'm glad you remember.

• 17:35Will Arnett?

  The irony being that it was not on your bucket list to go to that.

• 17:41Sean Hayes?

  So, so I, so you wrote the song "Say What You Want To Say", which was a massive hit, I love that song so much. And, but I don't know that people know, this is just sidebar, the bucket list, the term "the bucket list", was invented by the writer of the movie "The Bucket List".

• 17:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 17:57Will Arnett?

  Really?

• 17:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, so people believe that that has been around for decades and it really was written for that movie. And I believe it's one of those things, it's a little bit like "The Crying Game", people will reference the title.

• 18:09Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 18:10Speaker 04

  And I think that the name of, if I may, we both were involved, me tangentially, that's one of those films where the title of the film has gone on to live on a little more than the film itself.

• 18:20Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, isn't that wild?

• 18:21Jason Bateman?

  Wait, come on, the term "the bucket list" did not exist before that film.

• 18:25Will Arnett?

  It was in the email!

• 18:30Jason Bateman?

  This is, this is why it gets the big bucks.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, that was a great night though, that was a great night at the premiere.

• 18:33Sean Hayes?

  Wasn't that amazing? I'm glad you remember it.

• 18:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, I do.

• 18:38Sean Hayes?

  I'm kidding. So wait, so Sirius Brother to Sirius XM Brother.

• 18:42Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 18:42Sean Hayes?

  You have your own channel, what is it, 14?

• 18:44Speaker 04

  Channel 14, "Life With John Mayer".

• 18:46Will Arnett?

  Yeah, that's Channel 14.

• 18:47Speaker 04

  I don't know if you know it.

• 18:48Jason Bateman?

  But what happens on Channel 14?

• 18:50Speaker 04

  What happens, what's going down on Channel 14?

• 18:52Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, what happens?

• 18:52Speaker 04

  Uh, I want, so I was very high one night.

• 18:56Sean Hayes?

  Uh huh.

• 18:56Speaker 04

  And I had this idea for a radio channel where the music changes throughout the day so that wherever you are in the day, you turn it on and there's like a playlist for that hour.

• 19:07Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  And, son of a bitch, it worked!

• 19:11Jason Bateman?

  Wait, so there's, so there's, there's a playlist that's more appropriate for 2pm as opposed to 10pm?

• 19:16Sean Hayes?

  And you pick it all?

• 19:17Will Arnett?

  That does sound like a very high idea.

• 19:20Speaker 04

  But it worked, it was because I was tired of having Spotify, like Spotify was always to me like, whoa, Pandora, yay. But Spotify to me was always like your grandmother. Like your grandmother would learn one thing about you when you were... Five and continually give you gifts based on that thing for the next 10 years? That's right. And I remember Spotify be like, "Oh, you like George Benson, don't you?" And I was like, "I told you I wanted to hear Bring on the Night one time." Right, right. You know? Right. Or Give Me the Night is called. And so I was like, "What if there was, we broke out of the algorithm?" Because what ends up happening is you go to the gym, and all you want to do is just hear something while you're working out. And you go, "I don't know, just give me the War on Drugs.

• 20:05Speaker 04

  Give me War on Drugs." And then you get the same first song, and the same second song, and the same third song, and the same fourth song. And so I really feel like it met a need, and I like making stuff that meets a need. I like that. I get a kick out of that.

• 20:19Sean Hayes?

  Like Smartless Mobile.

• 20:21Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 20:21Jason Bateman?

  Hey, what's that, Sean? Wow, Sean, sorry. Sean, what's Smartless Mobile?

• 20:25Sean Hayes?

  Sorry, sorry.

• 20:26Jason Bateman?

  What is Smartless Mobile?

• 20:27Sean Hayes?

  We just launched it two days ago. It's a mobile service that we're doing.

• 20:29Jason Bateman?

  Why would somebody want Smartless Mobile?

• 20:31Sean Hayes?

  Because 90% of the time you're spending on your cellphone, you're using Wi-Fi, so you're overpaying with an unlimited plan where you could save half of your bill.

• 20:37Jason Bateman?

  I could save money right now by going to Smartless Mobile?

• 20:39Sean Hayes?

  Absolutely.

• 20:40Jason Bateman?

  Unbelievable.

• 20:40Speaker 04

  Tell me more.

• 20:42Sean Hayes?

  Go to SmartlessMobile.com.

• 20:43Speaker 04

  Did you really do that?

• 20:44Sean Hayes?

  We did.

• 20:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:44Sean Hayes?

  Two days ago.

• 20:45Jason Bateman?

  We're gonna switch your phone before you're out of here.

• 20:47Sean Hayes?

  Alright, great.

• 20:47Jason Bateman?

  It seriously takes 90 seconds.

• 20:49Speaker 04

  Great.

• 20:49Jason Bateman?

  Wait, here's what I want to know. Can I, can I get in?

• 20:51Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 20:52Jason Bateman?

  So we're up here on stage. This is not comfortable for me. I'm a shy person. I don't like the spotlight. I don't like having, I don't like being myself. And I see all the faces and everything. This is something you're very comfortable with, right? You've been on stage since how old?

• 21:07Speaker 04

  22.

• 21:09Jason Bateman?

  Right?

• 21:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:10Jason Bateman?

  And you're now 60?

• 21:12Speaker 04

  I'm 62 now.

• 21:13Jason Bateman?

  Um, but like, being, just hearing your voice on that microphone, and I can tell how comfortable you are. Like, that's, I wish I had that. That's like...

• 21:22Speaker 04

  But I wish I had a gig where I was getting nervous to sit on a couch.

• 21:28Speaker 04

  You know, I'm looking at this going, "This is the greatest gig ever."

• 21:33Jason Bateman?

  There's a little throw rug.

• 21:35Speaker 04

  Do you getting, you're getting nervous to come out and sit on the couch?

• 21:38Jason Bateman?

  No, it's just not super comfy for me, but you're a frickin' rock star.

• 21:41Speaker 04

  Okay, let me tell you something that'll help.

• 21:42Jason Bateman?

  Looking out at people and singing and strumming, that's like, that's your...

• 21:46Speaker 04

  Jason, every one of these people, if you needed a place to stay tonight, would let you sleep in their guest room.

• 21:51Jason Bateman?

  That's a great point. Is that what you, that's what you tell yourself when you get nervous on stage?

• 21:55Speaker 04

  Why would you be nervous when every single one of these people would put you up in their house?

• 22:01Jason Bateman?

  That's a nice window into John's brain right there.

• 22:02Speaker 04

  How can you be nervous now? That's what I ended up doing at one point. I went, every one of these people would let you sleep on the futon if you needed to, so what are you nervous about?

• 22:11Will Arnett?

  Fuck the futon. I bet a lot of it would be like, welcome to our marriage. Probably.

• 22:18Jason Bateman?

  Have you guys ever, to get over nerves, done the Brady Bunch trick? Where you just imagine somebody in their underwear?

• 22:25Sean Hayes?

  No, that doesn't work.

• 22:26Jason Bateman?

  Does it? If you guys ever done that? It kinda works.

• 22:29Speaker 04

  I just imagine myself taking a quarter milligram of Xanax and then I do that.

• 22:34Jason Bateman?

  A quarter milligram?

• 22:35Speaker 04

  And then I manifest. I just need a little chip.

• 22:37Jason Bateman?

  Just a touch.

• 22:39Sean Hayes?

  No, you don't do that.

• 22:40Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, every once in a while.

• 22:41Sean Hayes?

  Alright.

• 22:42Speaker 04

  I mean, okay, so this is an unknown thing.

• 22:45Will Arnett?

  Okay.

• 22:45Speaker 04

  It's a little different. I mean, I'm not high right now, but if I'm coming out to do my show and there's muscle memory, then I don't get nervous. But if it's the unknown, it can be a little... You know what ends up happening a lot of the times? When I'm a surprise, I start getting amped up and nervous because I know I'm a surprise. You know what I'm talking about?

• 23:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. I get nervous every day. I got nervous coming out here.

• 23:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:07Sean Hayes?

  Because it's you.

• 23:08Jason Bateman?

  Do you have any pre-show OCD-ish things you do?

• 23:11Sean Hayes?

  Uh...

• 23:13Jason Bateman?

  Okay. We did, um, we did Kimmel the other night and...

• 23:19Will Arnett?

  Tell the story about the dishwasher.

• 23:22Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 23:23Will Arnett?

  He's got a great one for you, John.

• 23:24Jason Bateman?

  That's a safe one. And sweet, sweet, sweet Sean took the seat furthest away from Jimmy because he said, "I don't want to sit next to you, Jimmy, because I get nervous these days." I get nervous on talk shows, big time.

• 23:36Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, but if I prepare like I did today, I get less nervous.

• 23:40Jason Bateman?

  Sure.

• 23:41Speaker 04

  And you may not even go to those cards if you don't have to.

• 23:44Sean Hayes?

  No, watch me.

• 23:45Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 23:47Sean Hayes?

  So, you did stand-up, which I love. I didn't know, you did stand-up comedy.

• 23:52Jason Bateman?

  Yes.

• 23:53Sean Hayes?

  Yes. I did not know that about you, that you did stand-up comedy one point.

• 23:56Jason Bateman?

  This guy was nominated singularly as best host.

• 23:59Will Arnett?

  For best host.

• 23:59Jason Bateman?

  Best host of a podcast.

• 24:01Sean Hayes?

  No.

• 24:01Jason Bateman?

  By himself.

• 24:03Sean Hayes?

  I say that because I did too. I actually have a joke that I read on the internet today. It's, um, the FDA just approved a medication for lesbians with depression. It's called Tricoxigan.

• 24:20Will Arnett?

  It's not bad. It's not bad.

• 24:22Sean Hayes?

  Do you have one, do you have one that you like?

• 24:25Will Arnett?

  I mean.

• 24:26Speaker 04

  The worst, the worst.

• 24:28Will Arnett?

  You read the, you read the punchline.

• 24:30Speaker 04

  I did, because I was nervous.

• 24:34Speaker 04

  I was nervous that I wouldn't get it right. Wait, wait, wait. I, um, Maple, my incredible daughter, 13, right up there, told me a great joke today. Knock, knock, who's there?

• 24:45Jason Bateman?

  Who?

• 24:47Speaker 04

  Oh, right, right, yeah, wait, knock, knock.

• 24:50Jason Bateman?

  Who's there?

• 24:53Speaker 04

  Jay, Jason.

• 24:54Will Arnett?

  I'm muted comedy.

• 24:54Speaker 04

  You can do it, you can do it with them.

• 24:56Will Arnett?

  Are you guys, are you guys starting to get it?

• 24:58Speaker 04

  This is why he gets the big bucks. He's a moron and I'm worse.

• 25:02Jason Bateman?

  Do it with them, do it with them.

• 25:04Speaker 04

  Hey, knock, knock. Britney Spears. Knock, knock. Britney Spears. Oops, I did it again.

• 25:15Jason Bateman?

  Oh, God.

• 25:19Sean Hayes?

  Johnny.

• 25:20Speaker 04

  That's Maple.

• 25:21Sean Hayes?

  Do you have like a, like a go-to joke that you used to?

• 25:25Speaker 04

  I didn't do it long enough to have a go-to joke.

• 25:27Will Arnett?

  What was your style as a stand-up?

• 25:30Speaker 04

  I didn't even, I mean, I would, I wanted to be observational. I wasn't, the thing is, and I'm glad I did stand-up because I, I'll do shows with Dave Chappelle now, and I'm not the front and center, but I understand him. I've seen so much stand-up, like, I used to go to the Comedy Cellar every single night in New York City. I'd go to the Comedy Cellar, and I was just enamored with it. When I was younger, I didn't have this thing in my head that would say, "That's not for you." And so I would look at it and I'd go, "I'm gonna do that too, I'm gonna do that too." And, and I didn't quite put the time in that it would have taken. I mean, what you're supposed to do if you really want to do it, get your tapes, watch your tapes.

• 26:10Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 26:10Speaker 04

  And I didn't want to watch the tapes, I didn't, I just, I wanted to drink just enough to watch someone do, stand up and go, "I can do it." And it, it, I didn't quite.

• 26:21Sean Hayes?

  And it was, it's a different experience once you get up there, I bet. It's just like.

• 26:24Speaker 04

  I liked it. I actually liked the uphill battle of it. The problem was, poor, sweet, beautiful Esti, who books the Comedy Cellar in New York, would get calls from People Magazine the next night saying, "Did he go up? I heard he said this and that and that." And if you think about it, here's why I can't do stand-up. Because if I, one of the many reasons, if I got on stage and I said, So my girlfriend has another UTI.

• 26:51Jason Bateman?

  Right.

• 26:51Speaker 04

  That ceases to be about a joke about a UTI and every woman would go, who's the girlfriend? Who's he dating? And so it didn't work.

• 27:00Will Arnett?

  It's celebrity news.

• 27:01Speaker 04

  It didn't work. Even the setup didn't work because people would get stuck in who's who and what's going on. But it taught me stage time. It taught me.

• 27:10Will Arnett?

  And most of your jokes were about UTIs.

• 27:12Speaker 04

  They were all UTIs, pretty much. Yes. They were all.

• 27:17Jason Bateman?

  You never bothered to develop any other material?

• 27:19Speaker 04

  I never really did. I did this thing where I would just smash cranberries with a big mallet at the end.

• 27:24Jason Bateman?

  Yeah. And then you just taught yourself guitar.

• 27:26Will Arnett?

  Which is weird because they're actually really good for curing UTIs.

• 27:29Speaker 04

  Yes. Well, I had thought about that before I said it.

• 27:33Jason Bateman?

  That's actually true, right?

• 27:35Will Arnett?

  We got a lot of ladies are nodding out there.

• 27:38Jason Bateman?

  So Willie, you just did some time at the Comedy Cellar. Will's got a film coming out where he's gonna play a stand-up and he went up there and threw himself into the deep end. Bradley Cooper directed.

• 27:48Will Arnett?

  We shot at the Comedy Cellar. Sean's in the movie with me as well.

• 27:52Jason Bateman?

  If you blink, but yeah.

• 27:53Will Arnett?

  And our friend Bradley directed it and we shot at the Comedy Cellar for eight days. I play a guy who's just starting to become a stand-up because he's going through some life changes. And so, yeah, so I did the same.

• 28:04Jason Bateman?

  It's called, Is This Thing On? And it comes out later this year.

• 28:08Speaker 04

  And it was scary, yes? Or not scary?

• 28:10Will Arnett?

  Yeah, the first time I went on, yeah, but I was going on, well, in the same way. I was going on as they introduced me as this character, as the guy who's going up doing stand-up for the first time. Then people were very confused.

• 28:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 28:21Will Arnett?

  That guy looks a lot like Will Arnett. And I'm like, hey, I'm, you know, I'm going through a divorce. I'm getting divorced. And people were like, didn't he get divorced like 10 years ago? Amy Poehler, like, what's, you know? And it was very confusing for people.

• 28:33Jason Bateman?

  It's very confusing. It's very hard to do.

• 28:34Will Arnett?

  But we made the leap anyway, yeah.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  But did you see anyone you loved when you were there? Did you get a?

• 28:38Will Arnett?

  Tons. So many good.

• 28:39Speaker 04

  They're so good.

• 28:40Will Arnett?

  And they're so good and it's so hard what they do. You have so much, you end up having so much respect for stand-ups and what they do. It's amazing.

• 28:47Speaker 04

  I love it.

• 28:48Will Arnett?

  And writing jokes all day. So we would go back and we'd write jokes all day and then go at like nine o'clock and meet up there and go up three or four times at all the different stages. It was pretty crazy.

• 28:56Speaker 04

  There's really nothing like it. And everyone has a friend that's told them you should do stand-up or the other way around.

• 29:04Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 29:04Speaker 04

  And when you get up there. You realize the water is choppy.

• 29:11Will Arnett?

  And what's crazy is, it's true, and what's crazy is, as Jason pointed out, you've been performing in front of huge audiences for a long time. And I've been doing this for a long time. I look really young, but I'm older than... And they're laughing because it's so true. And, and, and yet, when you actually go do stand-up, it is just such a different thing. It's completely different. We did one night, uh, when we were prepping for the movie. John, we're gonna get to you in a sec.

• 29:37Speaker 04

  This is great, no, this is great. I was actually just thinking, as I was drifting, as he was talking, I was thinking to myself, because I drifted far, I thought, this is actually the most fun I've had on a podcast so far. I like where we're going. I like where we're going.

• 29:50Will Arnett?

  You're lucky to get a word in. It's a conversation, anyway.

• 29:53Speaker 04

  I like where we're going.

• 29:53Will Arnett?

  My point was, the line between succeeding, killing, and bombing is very thin.

• 30:00Speaker 04

  So, the first guy who brought me onstage... Quickly, please, yeah. We have to get to these guys. I'll have you know, was the dearly departed Bob Saget. How bad do you feel now? And Bob brought me onstage, which meant he went up for just probably four or five minutes, which was impossible for Bob to do, to do four or five minutes.

• 30:23Will Arnett?

  Even more impossible now.

• 30:24Speaker 04

  That is true. That is, that is true.

• 30:28Will Arnett?

  Bob would appreciate it. Well, you asked me how...

• 30:30Speaker 04

  Which is why you can do it.

• 30:30Will Arnett?

  Bob would appreciate it.

• 30:32Speaker 04

  Which is why you can do it. And he brought me up onstage, and I immediately felt how difficult it was, and this is the real problem. This is the real, I'm trying to put you in my shoes if you were to do stand-up. You might absolutely suck, but all you wanna do when you get offstage is do it again.

• 30:52Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 30:52Speaker 04

  And again. There's something about it, it's a little kinda million-dollar baby, where you're all beat up and you go, "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

• 30:58Will Arnett?

  Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy. Sean, now Sean tried, and you guys have probably heard a little bit if you listen to the podcast, but Sean tried to stand-up once, and he has a, he had a great opening. You remember his great opening joke?

• 31:08Speaker 04

  Oh, it's the best.

• 31:09Will Arnett?

  Let's hear it, Sean.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  It's not a quite, it's a level of the tongue story, but...

• 31:13Will Arnett?

  You're gonna love it, John.

• 31:14Speaker 04

  They say doing ballet is one of the most difficult things you could ever do.

• 31:19Will Arnett?

  Right.

• 31:19Speaker 04

  So I say, just don't do it. End of joke. That's it. That's the kind of logic I like. That's the opener. I like that kind of tail-eating logic.

• 31:29Sean Hayes?

  You can use it. John, you grew up, you grew up in Fairfield, Connecticut.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  Yes, I grew up in Fairfield, Connecticut, yeah.

• 31:35Sean Hayes?

  You grew up in Fairfield. Yeah, your mom was an English teacher and your dad a high school principal.

• 31:40Speaker 04

  High school principal, yeah.

• 31:41Sean Hayes?

  So, I mean, what, like, did you feel like you had to be on your toes all the time with your grades and learning and all that?

• 31:46Speaker 04

  I had a very nice kind of hybrid of right brain, left brain, growing up because there would be like, if you had a question about a word, the dictionary would come out at the dinner table.

• 31:57Sean Hayes?

  Oh, really?

• 31:58Speaker 04

  And you would break down what that word was. But then I would also go in my room and kind of escape from all of it and just play guitar. And if you put both those things together, it's very good for being a singer-songwriter because you've got the left brain, right brain thing going. So, I hear things when people are talking to me. I know what's wrong with all of the grammar they're using and I just let it go now. Does it drive you crazy?

• 32:25Will Arnett?

  Yeah, does it still drive you crazy a little bit?

• 32:27Speaker 04

  There's a couple of ones that drive me crazy and it's number and amount. Do you know about number and amount?

• 32:32Sean Hayes?

  No, tell me.

• 32:32Speaker 04

  I'm gonna change your life forever and you're gonna annoy all your friends. It is a number of people, it is an amount of butter. So, number refers to a quantifiable substance.

• 32:45Sean Hayes?

  A bunch of singular things.

• 32:46Speaker 04

  Yes, and amount is the opposite of that. So, when you hear amount of people, it is technically wrong.

• 32:53Sean Hayes?

  It's number of people.

• 32:53Speaker 04

  Number of people. And when you hear someone say number of people, to me, it's like music to my ears.

• 32:58Sean Hayes?

  What about punctuation with texting, emails, things like that?

• 33:01Speaker 04

  Periods go inside of the quotes.

• 33:03Sean Hayes?

  Right, yup, exactly.

• 33:05Speaker 04

  Commas go inside the quotes.

• 33:07Sean Hayes?

  Exactly.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  I believe question marks go outside the quotes. There's a book called Eat, Shoots, and Leaves. You said no, they don't?

• 33:14Will Arnett?

  It depends, she's right, it depends.

• 33:15Sean Hayes?

  If you're relaying what somebody else said, right?

• 33:18Speaker 04

  Then it would go in, but if you're asking, did she say this, then it would go outside.

• 33:23Sean Hayes?

  Right, but then it's not a double dash for the quotes, it's a single dash because it's somebody else's. Right.

• 33:29Speaker 04

  If I'm writing, I will actually do several layers of quotes. So, I'll use the single apostrophe for the quotes inside of the double apostrophe for what it was saying. I think it's beautiful, it's a beautiful thing.

• 33:42Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, so.

• 33:42Will Arnett?

  Well, not all heroes wear capes.

• 33:47Jason Bateman?

  But are you one of those cool texters that like uses acronyms and like how the kids text?

• 33:52Speaker 04

  No, no.

• 33:52Jason Bateman?

  No, you'll write a goddamn sentence, right? And you'll punctuate it, you'll spell check it, and then you'll send it.

• 33:57Will Arnett?

  I have one pet peeve.

• 33:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 34:00Will Arnett?

  Which is, uh, when people use hung for when someone was hanged. It's hanged, not hung.

• 34:07Sean Hayes?

  That comes in handy a lot.

• 34:09Speaker 04

  Well, because he searches it on Google all the time.

• 34:11Sean Hayes?

  Do you have that, John, where you feel like the urge to correct people?

• 34:14Speaker 04

  I will tell you, I have a rule. I have a rule. If I feel like it will help them and they will appreciate that help, I'll do it. And I'll have a way of saying, there's nothing wrong with you saying it to me. I think you'd want to know and I want you to, so you can, you can judge it. Here's one that's just a real doozy.

• 34:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 34:31Speaker 04

  When I'm looking at an Instagram caption and someone says they were honored to be a part of something, but apart is one word apart, which is the exact opposite of what they're saying.

• 34:42Jason Bateman?

  Right, right, right.

• 34:43Speaker 04

  That one is bonkers.

• 34:45Jason Bateman?

  Right. Or what about, or what about when you're sending a text? The send button is not a period, you know? Create your paragraph, send that. Don't just keep hitting send at the end of every sentence. Because then my phone goes, I feel like someone died.

• 35:02Speaker 04

  This has been about a year and a half to two years now.

• 35:04Will Arnett?

  I promise we're gonna get back to the show.

• 35:06Speaker 04

  This became, listen, we're on a hot streak. This became a kind of vernacular where people would say, I mean, not for nothing. But we should, and it's cool if you have that text open. And if you're watching something and it keeps coming down, or if he's trying to show a video of people getting hunged.

• 35:28Jason Bateman?

  There aren't alerts.

• 35:29Speaker 04

  Then you would just see it coming down and stuff. And so now just write it all. I put paragraph breaks in now.

• 35:35Jason Bateman?

  Take your time. Write it, get it together, and then alert me to what you want to talk about.

• 35:40Will Arnett?

  At the same time, it does make it more conversa, I'm not here defending that and I'm not guilty of it. But I will say, there's also nothing worse, you're the absolute worst. There's nothing worse than getting six inches of text from somebody. Like, oh, fuck it, here's this story. Fuck it, you know what I mean?

• 35:57Speaker 04

  You would love my texts.

• 35:59Will Arnett?

  I bet. Can you text? I'm looking forward to texting with you.

• 36:02Jason Bateman?

  Try me. Try me. I'm ready. I'm ready to start a friendship with you. I'm saying it officially right now in front of everybody.

• 36:08Will Arnett?

  I'll never be uninteresting.

• 36:10Jason Bateman?

  No, I saw you at the Mets game the other day. I'm like, we can go to baseball games. You can teach me how to play guitar.

• 36:15Will Arnett?

  You and I, I know this is sort of like the we never hang out Dave thing you're doing, but I would hang out with you.

• 36:21Jason Bateman?

  I'll get you a deal on Smartless Mobile.

• 36:23Will Arnett?

  That's great. We'd love to get you on. Yeah, no, listen, I would love to have a Samsung phone. That sounds very exciting.

• 36:31Will Arnett?

  He's kidding. He's kidding.

• 36:32Jason Bateman?

  You can get it on any phone.

• 36:33Will Arnett?

  I can't wait to have red bubbles.

• 36:37Jason Bateman?

  I'm John.

• 36:37Will Arnett?

  Why are your bubbles red? I'm on Smartless Mobile.

• 36:43Jason Bateman?

  It's not true.

• 36:44Will Arnett?

  That's not true.

• 36:45Jason Bateman?

  It's all blue.

• 36:46Will Arnett?

  It's 5G and you're on the T-Mobile network. Anyway, John. Anyway, John. Sounds like you don't want a free fucking phone. I just love the idea of being on. Hit me up on, like you guys have to start integrating it into your casual conversation.

• 36:59Jason Bateman?

  Hit me up on my Smartless Mobile.

• 37:01Will Arnett?

  We didn't. We didn't have to. We didn't know that Sean was gonna drop that, to be honest.

• 37:05Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it was fun. It's fun.

• 37:08Will Arnett?

  And we will be right back.

• 37:13Will Arnett?

  This episode of Smartless is sponsored by our friends at Ashley. The brand actually made our live event stage feel kind of like a home while also supporting incredible organizations like For Others. Earlier in the episode, we mentioned their donation to For Others, a nonprofit doing very, very, very important work to end the child welfare crisis in America. The crisis may go overlooked at times, but it has serious consequences. And through working with Ashley and For Others, we learned that 90% of children in the welfare system will experience severe trauma. And children that age out of the foster care system have a 40% chance of being homeless within 18 months, with 97% immediately entering chronic

• 37:57Will Arnett?

  poverty. And these stats are hard to hear, but that's exactly why this work is so important. So through Ashley's donation, the next generation can find a loving and secure home, strengthening our communities and opening doors to new possibilities. And we're just thrilled to celebrate the powerful work being done by For Others with Ashley's support.

• 38:21Will Arnett?

  We were sitting on Ashley Pieces during the live taping of our show, which was comfy and they looked great and made it look like a living room and kind of at times forgot we were on stage. But sitting on Ashley's furniture, knowing the work that they do that goes and does good in the world felt even better. And just being associated with that brand for us went a long way. Ashley's all about style that's made for real life with white glove delivery right to your door. So visit your local Ashley store or head to ashley.com to find your style. To learn more about For Others' mission or to donate, visit forothers.com.

• 39:02Will Arnett?

  This episode of Smartless is brought to you in part by Skinny Pop popcorn. And yes, it's exactly what you heard crunching backstage at our live event at the Avalon. I will say there's something kind of really classic about the original Skinny Pop. No fluff, just it's just got the good stuff. It's deliciously popped, perfectly salted, light and airy. Kind of like me. I feel like I'm kind of light and airy. I'm like a human Skinny Pop, but I'm not as good. We did, we had so much Skinny Pop, they were a sponsor of the show. And we had so much of it everywhere. We were kind of silly with Skinny Pop. And the guys went a little bit crazy with it. Every time I buy Skinny Pop, in my mind, I'm always like,

• 39:46Will Arnett?

  oh, I'm getting it for the kids because I have two teenagers and a little guy. And I'm like, so I'm getting Skinny Pop for the kids. It's a good snack and it's a snack that I sort of feel comfortable having in the house. And then invariably, I'm the one who eats it all. Skinny Pop, deliciously popped, perfectly salted, popular for a reason. Find out more at hersheyland.com/skinnypop.

• 40:12Sean Hayes?

  You're listening to a very special episode of Smartless, recorded at the Avalon Theater. And we've partnered with Starbucks to help make this summer even more memorable. This season, Starbucks is delivering handcrafted beverages made to inspire you to enjoy the summer season to the fullest. We're talking bold refreshers, iced beverages, and a new frappuccino that all tastes like summer with each sip. I've been sipping between takes and let's just say, none of us are sharing. Your summer favorites are ready at Starbucks. Stop by your local store and enjoy your favorite tastes of summer.

• 40:47Sean Hayes?

  And now, back to the show.

• 40:50Will Arnett?

  So you're from Connecticut, and I remember I was in Atlanta once. JB and I spent a couple of years there, not together. And I was listening to a radio station, driving to work, and then you were talking to the people, and you knew these people on the radio, and I guess I missed the first... You had a real connection to Atlanta at the start of your career, is that true?

• 41:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, I moved down to Atlanta when I was...

• 41:10Sean Hayes?

  Very, yeah.

• 41:11Speaker 04

  Go ahead.

• 41:12Will Arnett?

  Like a real connection?

• 41:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, I went down to Atlanta, moved away. I left Berklee College of Music after a year, moved down there with a friend, and just started writing songs.

• 41:22Sean Hayes?

  No way.

• 41:23Speaker 04

  And plugging away and going for it. I had a friend who was from there, down in Snellville, Georgia. Where everyone is someone, is what they say down there. And, which is really nice now, when you look at it that way. And so I moved down there, and we started writing songs, and I just...

• 41:38Sean Hayes?

  How old were you?

• 41:39Speaker 04

  Twenty-one, twenty...

• 41:41Sean Hayes?

  But didn't you start writing in high school?

• 41:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, I started writing songs in class.

• 41:44Sean Hayes?

  And you were like a gas station person?

• 41:45Speaker 04

  I worked at a gas station, I was writing songs... I was writing songs in math class, so I was just like writing songs.

• 41:51Sean Hayes?

  See, that blows my mind, that, I mean, it's so rare to have that gift at such a young age, to be able to use the English language, then put it to music, and you just happen to be an incredible songwriter, and you knew this at such a young age. Did you know while you were pumping gas at the gas station, did you have enough belief in yourself to know that, oh, this is just temporary, I'm probably gonna make it someday?

• 42:11Speaker 04

  Everything, yeah. I mean, everything that I was looking at was in my way. And there are kids out there who feel this way, and my heart goes out to them. They're not being punks. They're acting out in class, but they're not being punks. They already know. It would be like going to a restaurant, and the waiter is reading the specials, and you go, "I know what I want." "I don't want that."

• 42:39Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  "I just want the burger." And they're telling you about, "We take the lobster out, we cook it, we put it back on the shelf." And you're like, "I know what I want." And it was very... It was, that was actually one of the hardest times of my life, was to have to be 15. When I knew that I wasn't 15, I wanted to go... Do this thing and it was really tough. I love that. I love the way you put that. Yeah.

• 42:58Sean Hayes?

  So then when, when did the damn break? When was it like, yes, finally I'm getting some traction. They're playing my music or some.

• 43:04Speaker 04

  Well, I went to Berklee College of Music when I was 19. I took a couple of years off to hone my chops at the mobile station. But by the way, let me also say, whatever job you have, be the best at it on your way to where you're going. Be the best at it. I became assistant manager at the mobile station. I remember seeing the interview. Did you go there with like Diane Sawyer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like 25 years, 30 years ago. I remember that. I got a pager. Just be great at whatever job they give you because it's more fun to be great than to like suck at it and say you don't want to do it. Just ace it for fun.

• 43:38Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 43:38Speaker 04

  You know?

• 43:39Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 43:39Speaker 04

  And I would go to like mobile management meetings. And I remember, I'm going to tell a story. It's very similar to your style.

• 43:47Speaker 04

  I was sitting at a meeting in a convention room with all of these mobile managers. And there was a woman who was giving a speech to all the mobile managers. And it was called, "Give them the pickle." And it was all based on if you're working at a deli and someone comes up and says, "Can I have an extra pickle?" Don't charge them for another pickle.

• 44:07Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 44:07Speaker 04

  Give them the pickle.

• 44:07Sean Hayes?

  That's right.

• 44:08Speaker 04

  That's a cool lesson to learn from pumping gas. It makes up for how stupid you get from inhaling the fuel. That's always been your motto too, right?

• 44:15Sean Hayes?

  Give them the extra pickle.

• 44:16Speaker 04

  Give them the pickle?

• 44:17Sean Hayes?

  Yep. And if they don't, and if they like it, give them the second one for free.

• 44:21Speaker 04

  So.

• 44:22Sean Hayes?

  So, uh, how old were you? So wait, how old were you when you actually picked up a guitar? And what made, and was it really Back to the Future? You're like, I want to be Marty McFly?

• 44:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, I saw Back to the Future and whatever that thing was, which was that moment of like comeuppance, you know? Like that always meant something to me. And then I would like go to tag sales. We called them tag sales in the Northeast or garage sales. And I'd buy, you know, guitar. My, my mom buy me guitar for like $2. And like the first four guitars never had all six strings on them. But then I'll never forget the day I had a guitar with all six strings because that was all of the strings. And then I could really go off and running. And I just saw the, I saw the geometry of the thing and I went, got it. And it wasn't that. I knew how to play the guitar, but I knew how I was going to.

• 45:13Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 45:14Speaker 04

  And I just so quickly went and took things like rocks from the don't know it pile and put it into the know it pile. But it wasn't because I worked harder. I just looked at that thing and I went, I got it.

• 45:25Sean Hayes?

  Well, did you self teach? Did you just like start making noises?

• 45:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, I was lucky. If you're ever, anyone out there, if you're gonna give your kid a guitar, don't give them lessons for like a couple of weeks.

• 45:36Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 45:36Speaker 04

  Just go looking. Go looking around. Play around. Just because I still see the guitar neck the way I did when I first looked at it. And then I started taking lessons. And then the guitar instructor, they used to cut it in half, 30 minutes would be 15 and 15. The first 15 minutes would be learning from the book and the second 15 minutes was like, bring in a song. And the guitar teacher will show you that song. And before long, it was just all bring in a song. And it was all, show me everything. And I could just, I'd go home and I'd come back and I'd do it and I'd go, give me more, give me more.

• 46:10Sean Hayes?

  And you just loved it.

• 46:11Speaker 04

  And I loved it. And then, I know you're trying to get me to taper down with this story and I'm almost there.

• 46:15Sean Hayes?

  No, no, no, no. I'm just, I'm.

• 46:17Speaker 04

  We've gotta get to a commercial, John. You loved it past tense.

• 46:19Will Arnett?

  Were you like that? Sean, were you like that with the piano? Honestly?

• 46:23Sean Hayes?

  I went through the phase. I started, I started at five years old, literally came home from kindergarten. My mom was like, do you want to take piano lessons? I literally said, I'm not doing anything else. Why not? And she lived across the street and I started taking piano lessons. And then as I got older, all the adults in my life kept saying, gosh, you know, you're taking piano lessons? I wish I would have stayed with that. I wish, or violin lessons, or whatever lessons they took. Over and over again, all the adults would say, I wish I stuck with it. And so I turned that messaging, I turned all those regrets into motivation.

• 46:59Will Arnett?

  Wow.

• 46:59Sean Hayes?

  And so I was like, there must be something to that. If, I wonder if I just stick with it, like everybody's saying they wish they did. It might pay off and I might get respect for it because they gave up on it. So I don't know why.

• 47:12Will Arnett?

  He's got a Tony.

• 47:13Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have.

• 47:18Speaker 04

  Connecting with an instrument is like, it's like flying.

• 47:21Jason Bateman?

  Every time I've tried to teach myself how to play guitar, I can't, I can't get past how much it hurts my fingers.

• 47:27Speaker 04

  I know.

• 47:28Jason Bateman?

  So I stop every time. It hurts, man.

• 47:31Speaker 04

  Yet you'll watch, yet you'll watch a series for nine episodes because someone says it gets good on the 10th.

• 47:37Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, right.

• 47:37Speaker 04

  The things we'll stick with and the things we won't.

• 47:40Jason Bateman?

  I know.

• 47:40Speaker 04

  But also, you have to get a guitar that's set up right. Sometimes people's first guitars have been in attics and stuff.

• 47:46Jason Bateman?

  Do they make soft strings?

• 47:48Speaker 04

  They make soft strings.

• 47:49Will Arnett?

  My 14, my 14-year-old's here, he's up there and he, and he started playing bass a couple of years ago, now he taught himself to play guitar, and he's making music in his room. You knew that, I told you that, Abel. Where you at, Abe? He's up there somewhere.

• 48:01Jason Bateman?

  Bass strings, that's easier on the fingers. Those are bigger strings.

• 48:04Will Arnett?

  Well, I think it's, it's like, it's like a gateway drug to guitars in a way, right?

• 48:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, it, sometimes it's whatever the band needs.

• 48:09Will Arnett?

  Sorry buddy, I don't mean that.

• 48:10Speaker 04

  But it's all about whether the guitar is set up right.

• 48:12Jason Bateman?

  Oh, you're gonna pay for that later. It's only four strings too, right?

• 48:16Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 48:17Sean Hayes?

  When did you have, start having panic attacks?

• 48:20Will Arnett?

  Oh my god.

• 48:22Jason Bateman?

  Boy.

• 48:22Sean Hayes?

  Because.

• 48:23Jason Bateman?

  Nice, smooth.

• 48:23Sean Hayes?

  Because I have, I had them too.

• 48:26Jason Bateman?

  Worst host in the history of podcasts.

• 48:28Sean Hayes?

  Because I had them too.

• 48:30Will Arnett?

  Like 20 seconds ago.

• 48:31Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 48:33Sean Hayes?

  Because I had them too, and then I get AFib, which is cardiac arrhythmia, which you have.

• 48:37Speaker 04

  I have as well.

• 48:38Sean Hayes?

  And how, do you know when you're in it, or no?

• 48:40Jason Bateman?

  Okay, I'll just hear a doctor in the house just in case. They both seem like they're ready to pop.

• 48:46Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, because I had to go to the emergency room a lot to get cardiovert. Is that what you had to do?

• 48:50Speaker 04

  I didn't have to do cardioversion. So let's just get super esoteric here. When I was 17, I had AFib, pericismal lone AFib.

• 48:59Sean Hayes?

  Sure, sure.

• 48:59Speaker 04

  And, and I got out of it with a Digitalis. It's an anti-rhythmic, got out of there.

• 49:05Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I tried, that doesn't work.

• 49:06Speaker 04

  Got out of there for me, and it's, it's not.

• 49:08Jason Bateman?

  What's going on?

• 49:09Speaker 04

  It's not fatal for most people. There's a slight risk of stroke.

• 49:12Sean Hayes?

  That's right.

• 49:13Speaker 04

  But it's just a nuisance.

• 49:14Sean Hayes?

  Right.

• 49:15Speaker 04

  And it keeps me honest because I'm on a daily, I'm on flecainide 50-moder.

• 49:20Will Arnett?

  John, you talk to the TV at home.

• 49:23Sean Hayes?

  This is, you have like-

• 49:24Jason Bateman?

  I wave goodbye to the ladies in The View. I'm like, goodbye.

• 49:27Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 49:28Jason Bateman?

  As they say goodbye. Wait a minute, me too. I tried flecainide, but then I just take it as needed.

• 49:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:35Jason Bateman?

  Okay.

• 49:36Speaker 04

  I take it because I have lots of PACs, or premature atrial complexes. And hundreds a day if I'm not on flecainide. And sometimes I'll take metoprolol, which is a beta blocker. I'll take 50mg of metoprolol.

• 49:46Jason Bateman?

  Same, same metoprolol, yeah.

• 49:48Speaker 04

  This reminds me of a TV show idea I have. And it's about a doctor who's a vampire, but he never went to medical school. He just lived so long that everything under the sun happened to him.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  So, he just knows everything because he's lived like 800 years.

• 50:06Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 50:08Speaker 04

  And he's always trying to break in to drink the blood. I mean, we have that, we have the blood thing. He's always sneaking around at different floors. And I really, like, I really think I hit it out of the park with the name, just Doctor Vampire M.D. And like, just come out with it. And I think if you're driving down Sunset to go back to wherever you guys are, you know, on the west side, and you see a lit up sign over the saddle ranch, this is Doctor Vampire M.D., that you'd be like, I would check that out.

• 50:34Sean Hayes?

  Absolutely. I would totally check that out.

• 50:37Speaker 04

  Will you write the theme song?

• 50:38Jason Bateman?

  Yes. Wait, why don't you have hair on your arms?

• 50:44Speaker 04

  Simply the worst.

• 50:45Sean Hayes?

  This is the worst.

• 50:48Jason Bateman?

  Simply, worse than all the worst. Sean and I have both lost the hair on our shins from socks.

• 50:58Speaker 04

  I did not naturally-

• 50:59Jason Bateman?

  I used to make fun of Jeffrey Tambor for that, but he was like, you wait, you'll get old enough, you'll lose it.

• 51:04Speaker 04

  So you're saying you lose hair on the legs?

• 51:06Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, from socks. Like, on the inside, I got hair. Outside, like a biker.

• 51:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm not a very, I don't, I can't grow a beard, I'm not very-

• 51:14Jason Bateman?

  Same.

• 51:15Speaker 04

  Hairy and-

• 51:15Jason Bateman?

  Alabaster, all the way.

• 51:16Speaker 04

  Yeah. You and I are smooth.

• 51:19Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 51:19Speaker 04

  We're smooth.

• 51:20Jason Bateman?

  We're smooth jazz.

• 51:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:21Jason Bateman?

  Yeah.

• 51:22Sean Hayes?

  Sean, whose body was a wonderland?

• 51:28Sean Hayes?

  I had that.

• 51:29Speaker 04

  I can tell you, and I think I've told people this much.

• 51:32Sean Hayes?

  It was your first girlfriend?

• 51:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, it was my first girlfriend. Oh my god, he's mocking my answer. The worst host ever. I've never had anybody mock an answer. I would have sweetened it up, put something in you hadn't heard.

• 51:48Sean Hayes?

  No, it's okay, sorry, go ahead.

• 51:50Speaker 04

  My first girlfriend. Get to it, Mayor. Get to this quest. This was a total setup, because you asked me the question. Actually, what you're doing is making fun of him for asking.

• 52:00Sean Hayes?

  That's right, that's right, that's right. But I did have on here, you have a high-profile dating history. Do we talk about it or not talk about it?

• 52:06Speaker 04

  Here, here, here's, here's why I don't.

• 52:11Sean Hayes?

  And that had to do with it.

• 52:12Speaker 04

  I would talk about me if it related to me.

• 52:16Sean Hayes?

  Sure.

• 52:16Speaker 04

  But I am older now, it's been a very long time since, I mean, I have my own situation from that. I stay inside the house. Aren't I a good boy, America? I'm not dating anybody. Aren't I good?

• 52:28Jason Bateman?

  You single right now?

• 52:29Speaker 04

  I'm a single person, I'm a catch.

• 52:33Jason Bateman?

  Would you, would you like, do you have, do you have dreams of being a husband, a father?

• 52:39Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 52:40Jason Bateman?

  Yeah?

• 52:40Speaker 04

  Absolutely.

• 52:41Will Arnett?

  It's not easy, it's not easy for John Mayer to date. In all seriousness, like, what are you gonna do? Like, it's, it's tough to meet people.

• 52:49Speaker 04

  No, but I'll tell you, it's a very good, it's a very good filtration system of selecting who's right. So if, if, if it's not easy, then that means when the right person comes along, well, then that's easy, because of how not easy it is until you meet the right person.

• 53:05Jason Bateman?

  But let me ask you about what's right and what's wrong for a girlfriend versus a wife, versus somebody that you might have a child with. Are you looking for something different now than you were, say, 10 years ago?

• 53:15Speaker 04

  Because they're one and the same. There's, I would not be, I would not date someone if it didn't have the upward mobility of becoming a marriage.

• 53:22Jason Bateman?

  Right, so don't marry a girlfriend, perhaps, said differently.

• 53:25Speaker 04

  But I don't understa-, wouldn't you always marry your girlfriend?

• 53:28Jason Bateman?

  Well, I do, I think, I think there's a difference.

• 53:31Speaker 04

  Explain it.

• 53:32Jason Bateman?

  Well, I think.

• 53:35Speaker 04

  You know what they say, never marry your girlfriend.

• 53:39Jason Bateman?

  Well, but.

• 53:40Speaker 04

  It kind of feels like, they never said it.

• 53:42Will Arnett?

  This is gonna be good.

• 53:46Will Arnett?

  Hi Amanda.

• 53:48Speaker 04

  You know what they say?

• 53:49Will Arnett?

  Hi honey, go ahead Jake.

• 53:50Speaker 04

  They say be friends with your best friend.

• 53:52Will Arnett?

  No, no, John, let him keep digging, please.

• 53:55Jason Bateman?

  Babe, should I put the shovel down? Oh no, I do think that-

• 53:59Will Arnett?

  You guys come in separate cars?

• 54:01Jason Bateman?

  No, damn it.

• 54:04Jason Bateman?

  But, you know, you might make a choice to date somebody that you think, "Oh, well this should be a fun girlfriend." It doesn't really have legs to go a distance, but-

• 54:16Speaker 04

  All my girlfriends have had legs. It's something, I mean I-

• 54:20Will Arnett?

  Good for you, good for you dude.

• 54:22Speaker 04

  Yeah. So far, I don't dis-

• 54:24Will Arnett?

  You gotta have standards, you know?

• 54:26Speaker 04

  It just happens to be, I'm not looking on-

• 54:29Will Arnett?

  But Jake, keep going though.

• 54:32Jason Bateman?

  Laugh it up, Jiggles. You're on a, are you on a dating site right now?

• 54:36Will Arnett?

  I'm not.

• 54:37Speaker 04

  Every girlfriend would be a potential wife at this point. I am 47, which-

• 54:41Jason Bateman?

  Oh, you're young.

• 54:42Speaker 04

  So at this point-

• 54:43Will Arnett?

  Same.

• 54:45Speaker 04

  Do you thi- you're older than 47, do you still think 47 is young? Is there something about 47-

• 54:49Jason Bateman?

  Compared to 63?

• 54:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:53Will Arnett?

  It is young.

• 54:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, so-

• 54:54Will Arnett?

  I'm 25, that's young.

• 54:56Speaker 04

  It's, so however difficult it is, is how easy it will be to identify someone who's right. I think that's how I look at it.

• 55:03Jason Bateman?

  Well yeah, with age comes, you know, the ability to reflect on your past and not repeat the same mistakes. So, when you enter a new relationship, you are hopefully wiser and all of those things.

• 55:13Speaker 04

  Can I tell you something, and I'm gonna be really honest, quickly?

• 55:15Jason Bateman?

  Just between us.

• 55:15Will Arnett?

  Please just say it's all a fucking crap shoot.

• 55:17Speaker 04

  I am very well behaved. I believe that being well behaved- Like I really care, I've developed really the best parts of me, I'm very well behaved. I treat people really well, I'm honest, I'm sincere, I'm not sarcastic. And I don't know that people know this about me, and so I think that when people come into a dating situation with me, they think I'm gonna be snappy and quick and sarcastic, but I'm not.

• 55:48Jason Bateman?

  Wait, is that bad?

• 55:49Speaker 04

  I'm really well, well, listen. You guys are really giving yes and a run for its money out here.

• 55:58Speaker 04

  But I'm very well behaved and the thing is like you have to be well behaved.

• 56:04Jason Bateman?

  Was it always that way?

• 56:05Speaker 04

  No.

• 56:06Jason Bateman?

  Okay, cuz you're a rock star and if I'm a girl thinking about dating you, I think, well, this could be a challenge.

• 56:12Speaker 04

  Yeah, I mean, see, hell hath no fury or like, maybe not, like, nothing is worse than someone who believes they're doing right and they're not. Like, that's, most assholes in dating are such assholes because if, they would pass a lie detector test that they mean well.

• 56:33Jason Bateman?

  They're good at being assholes.

• 56:35Speaker 04

  But you can mean well and be terribly misbehaved. And that's the kinda trap you get. This is Call Her Daddy, right?

• 56:41Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 04

  This is where we are? So, I am very well behaved and this is, I've never articulated this before, so forgive me if it sounds strict. I expect good, like, great behavior turns me on. I fixed, like, high wattage, and I'm not saying anything about just in general, high wattage Hollywood, zing it at you kind of, that was interesting when I was young and now like, fucking being well behaved is the hottest shit in the world. What's your version of?

• 57:15Will Arnett?

  Like, like, like, good sleep hygiene, table manners?

• 57:19Speaker 04

  Um, if, if you, you know what I would say it is? Responding to insecurity in a sincere way.

• 57:25Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, amen. That's good, but I do have-

• 57:28Will Arnett?

  Well, the ability, the ability to be vulnerable too is a big thing. And that's what you get when you get older, cuz you don't give a shit, you're like, hey, this is who I am.

• 57:35Speaker 04

  So, what ended up happening, you're right, but I think that younger people need to get a head start on being more vulnerable. Being sarcastically invulnerable and apathetic is a really good healing mechanism to get over the past breakup. It is a great way to get over somebody, is to go out with your girls and take a couple pictures for your dating site where you're like licking a knife, mm, you know, whatever. I get it, I get that, but, but you can't carry that into your next, you have, there's a, I fear that there's a generation of- People, men and women, who have decided to come into relationships in a very inflexible sarcastic.

• 58:17Sean Hayes?

  Right, yeah, yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 04

  Vulnerability is the shit.

• 58:20Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it's the best.

• 58:21Speaker 04

  Leave yourself so vulnerable that you could die if someone said the wrong thing to you.

• 58:27Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Will Arnett?

  Yeah.

• 58:27Speaker 04

  And just die a thousand times and drive home and do all those farts in the car.

• 58:33Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 58:34Speaker 04

  And get home and go, well, we tried.

• 58:36Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 58:37Speaker 04

  I know that's the route to a quicker, better thing.

• 58:40Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  Just be vulnerable.

• 58:42Sean Hayes?

  Um, I wanna get to your career because I have tremendous, I do.

• 58:46Speaker 04

  I wanna get back to my career too.

• 58:48Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 58:50Sean Hayes?

  I did have something about the sleep that you take magnesium baths. I don't even know what that is.

• 58:54Speaker 04

  Where did you get?

• 58:56Sean Hayes?

  I, it's magnesium baths.

• 58:57Will Arnett?

  John, are you late for something? Are you in a rush?

• 59:00Sean Hayes?

  No, I don't wanna, I don't want to overstay our welcome with our friends.

• 59:04Speaker 04

  I think you got this in ChatGPT and you would say, ChatGPT, are you sure about the magnesium bath thing with John? And it would say, you're right. I can't find exactly where I found the magnesium magnesium bath. I tried looking. I love when ChatGPT is like, fuck, you got me.

• 59:19Sean Hayes?

  All right, we don't have to talk about, no, so, but I do have, um, speaking about being vulnerable, if I can be vulnerable with you right now, that I do have, um, from one musician to another, tremendous respect for you.

• 59:30Speaker 04

  Take it easy.

• 59:33Sean Hayes?

  I do. I just think, I, I know so many of your songs, um, the first one, you know, the first one, I think most people knew you from is, um, I wanna run through the halls of my high school.

• 59:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:46Sean Hayes?

  I wanna scream at the top of my lungs.

• 59:49Will Arnett?

  Yeah, I love that. I love that song.

• 59:50Sean Hayes?

  Anyway, um, and then, but go back to being released.

• 59:55Speaker 04

  Isn't it funny that like singers who also just talk, but that you know the whole time they're talking, they could be singing?

• 1:00:01Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:02Speaker 04

  I always, when I was younger, I would watch people, I'd be like, "That guy's talking, but he's also singing." And I feel like sometimes I want to show people, it's like, "This is me talking, this is me talking, this is me talking. I'm kind of moving into singing now. I'm kind of moving into singing now. I wanna run through the halls of my comeback, but now, but now I'm coming back into talking, but now I'm talking again. Now I'm talking again." But at any moment I wanted to, I could go, "What's to bring me down?" But I can talk again.

• 1:00:28Sean Hayes?

  Yes!

• 1:00:29Speaker 04

  But I can talk again.

• 1:00:30Sean Hayes?

  But here's the thing, we're gonna-

• 1:00:31Speaker 04

  Isn't that weird?

• 1:00:32Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I'm gonna ask you, I'm gonna ask you to sing at the end of the show here, and then you're gonna feel really uncomfortable.

• 1:00:38Will Arnett?

  Wait, are you in a, are you in a ques- 'cause I want to ask you about your, your, your musician- musicianship.

• 1:00:43Speaker 04

  That's what I was getting to you.

• 1:00:44Will Arnett?

  So when you joined, when you joined-

• 1:00:47Speaker 04

  Dead and Company?

• 1:00:48Will Arnett?

  Dead and Company.

• 1:00:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm making sure you didn't say Grateful Dead, 'cause I feel bad with-

• 1:00:51Will Arnett?

  So, uh, I, I, I, I'm not a Deadhead, but I've loved the Grateful Dead for many years. I've, I've only gone to like, I went to like 10 shows, but I'm not a Deadhead. But, I, I watched you, uh, in an interview, talking about learning the songs, and how quickly you learned all those songs. It is bananas. Can you tell us a little bit about that process, if you guys don't know it?

• 1:01:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, so I was falling in love with the music of Grateful Dead, like, falling in love. If I hadn't joined the band, or met Bob Weir, and Mickey Hart, and, and Bill Kreutzmann, I would have just fallen into that anyway. And, it's actually funny, the way I met them was through a mutual friend, Don Was, producer extraordinaire Don Was. He said, "Come up, and I know how much you love Grateful Dead right now, come up and meet the guys." And I was just telling them how much their music meant to me. And they were like, "What are you doing, March 7th?" And so I was like, "Wherever you need me", 'cause they were looking at putting a band together. So it was really fascinating, because as I was falling in love with the music, I would just learn how to play it on the guitar. And I like, I made a binder. And the binder had a bunch of, you know, the tablature, or

• 1:01:57Speaker 04

  sheet, you know, whatever the manuscript paper was, and I would just write the song down, and I would just do a song a day. But I was in love with the song a day. So I would just, I took like, six months off, and learned how to play those songs in my house.

• 1:02:08Will Arnett?

  But I mean, it's, how many songs is it? I mean, it's, it's-

• 1:02:10Speaker 04

  I mean, I think we played like 150 songs.

• 1:02:12Will Arnett?

  It's fucking incredible. And you learned them, you learned them all, like, in a short amount of time.

• 1:02:16Speaker 04

  But you do this with lines, Will.

• 1:02:18Will Arnett?

  Yeah, it's a little bit different, man.

• 1:02:20Speaker 04

  How so? I couldn't do it, I couldn't look at a-

• 1:02:23Sean Hayes?

  I say that too, I say, with lines, it's like singing. Because if you do a play, or you have to do the same lines over and over again, you have to do the same lines over and over again, you have to do the same lines over, oh yeah, it's like a song.

• 1:02:35Speaker 04

  The geometry's already there. It's not like I have to make a new map for every song. And I'm already like visualizing where the music goes anyway, so it's kind of, it's easier than you might think to just place the, think of it like a corkboard with like index cards or something. You go, okay, those are there. Or like dancers who can have like a two-minute thing and someone can go, "Take out that step in bar 12."

• 1:02:58Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, right.

• 1:02:59Speaker 04

  And they can just, it's like, it's, it's an innate language and if I had to learn how to do it and I, it wasn't in me, I wouldn't be able to do it.

• 1:03:06Sean Hayes?

  Are you, are you one of those musicians that, did you ever learn how to read music?

• 1:03:10Speaker 04

  No, but I could read a chord chart, but I can't read music.

• 1:03:13Sean Hayes?

  That's amazing.

• 1:03:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, but if I had, I don't know that I would have even used that skill that much in pop music.

• 1:03:20Sean Hayes?

  Um, you know, you've written like so many songs, there's, I, by the way, I love, um, what is it called? "All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye"? I love that song so much. Was that, which album was that on?

• 1:03:31Speaker 04

  That's on, um, that's on Battle Studies. And it's funny because as a writer, you can put a song out and then kind of get down about it. "Oh, I can think it's kind of this." And then years later, you listen back to it as someone who wouldn't or couldn't write that song today. And so you hear it for the first time, and I, I heard it for the first time not long ago after years of not listening to it. And I was like, "Oh, this is very nice."

• 1:03:56Will Arnett?

  But when you, when you, when you listen back to it, do you remember where you were? And I don't mean necessarily physically, but where you were, what it meant to you in the moment? You're like, oh, like when you hear a lyric or you hear a certain note that you hit and you go like, "Oh yeah, I remember why I did that."

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  All of it.

• 1:04:12Will Arnett?

  Like there's an emotional connection to it.

• 1:04:14Speaker 04

  All of it, it's very deep as I get older and, it really is. And I'll tell you why, like, I don't know how to deal with it sometimes because I'll listen back to things. And be so, and this is not arrogance, because I'm not the same person. I can't do that anymore. Like, you're not the same person you were when you wrote letters to boyfriends, or when you wrote in your diary. So I can look at it, preserved in amber, as this thing, and I, it's very deep, it's very profound, because I appreciate it. I can't believe that I did that, but I'm not that anymore.

• 1:04:50Jason Bateman?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:51Speaker 04

  It doesn't belong to me, even though everyone would say it does. I go, but those cells that made that thought, and the person I was when I was that vulnerable, or I was in that particular way, and I didn't understand the world. And I want to be able to say, hey, that's my song. But I listen back to it, and there's a sadness to not having it. It's hard to, it's really hard to explain.

• 1:05:14Will Arnett?

  But then, John, they have a relationship with the song. When you see it, when they enjoy it, or they say, hey, I really love that song. It really spoke to me. I was going through, you know, I was going through a breakup, or somebody in my family died, or whatever. And they have a different emotional response to it. How does that hit you?

• 1:05:29Speaker 04

  That's great. Whatever it is to someone else is great. And I'm at that age now where people have lost people they used to go to shows with, or people they used to listen to the music with. And it makes you more, it's such a deeper connection for people. It makes up for the times people go like, you were my high school crush. This happened to you, you guys, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, you go.

• 1:05:49Jason Bateman?

  It's never happened.

• 1:05:50Speaker 04

  Oh, oh, this is the one, this is the one. My 14-year-old self is freaking out right now.

• 1:05:55Will Arnett?

  Yeah, right, right.

• 1:05:57Speaker 04

  And I go, so you're not.

• 1:06:01Speaker 04

  And the version that did is no longer here. And you're here representing a form of, but we're all in, we're, I'm.

• 1:06:09Jason Bateman?

  Do you feel like you're, like you're in a better place now than you were back then to write songs and music? Like, do you think you're better now? I bet you are.

• 1:06:18Speaker 04

  Great question. Thank you.

• 1:06:25Speaker 04

  That's beautiful. Thank you. That's beautiful. Thank you.

• 1:06:31Speaker 04

  This is actually, it's, yeah. I could help anyone with their song. I could help anyone make their song better because of the just pure experience of trying to write every song, or every type of song that's ever existed.

• 1:06:47Speaker 05

  Right.

• 1:06:49Speaker 04

  It gets harder to write as you get older, but you're better when you do? And the reason it's harder to write is because you begin to answer the questions that you've had your whole life, and you should. You shouldn't live in a constant state of like raw nerves, you know? And so when I was younger, everything hurt, and I could write, and I wanted to know, why does this hurt? I gotta get this out. And as you get older, you have wisdom and you understand why. You help other people who don't understand why, why something's happening, and you can tell them what's coming up the road. So, music comes from wanting to understand what's going on, and the more you understand what's going on, the less there is to write. But when you catch one, the more experienced you are at like putting spin on the ball,

• 1:07:34Speaker 04

  baby.

• 1:07:35Will Arnett?

  Have you ever written a song, though, that's been like really emotional, and then you've had somebody important in your life, and they hear it, and they're like, "Hey, fuck, are we good?" Like...

• 1:07:42Speaker 04

  Is that about me?

• 1:07:44Will Arnett?

  Is that about me? Like, "What the hell? I thought everything was cool. We went on vacation last week, and I was listening to the radio today."

• 1:07:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, there's, it happened to me one time.

• 1:07:53Will Arnett?

  Really? And were they right? Was it about them?

• 1:07:56Speaker 04

  Good questions will get the right answers, because I can't, I, yeah, I had a song called "Perfectly Lonely," and at the end of the bridge, it was like, something about, "I have to thank the loves so, that went wrong to lead me to a love so strong." And she said, "Am I the love that went wrong? Am I the love that went wrong?" Oh, wow. And I had to be like, "No, you're not, it's just a song." That was the only time I think anyone ever said...

• 1:08:20Will Arnett?

  But they were.

• 1:08:21Speaker 04

  But for the most part, I'm actually very...

• 1:08:22Sean Hayes?

  I mean, that's what I thought. And though it really was, it really was the love that went wrong.

• 1:08:29Speaker 04

  For the most part, my songs aren't bitter. I don't write songs that are like, "How dare you" songs. What's that? What did you say? Oh.

• 1:08:39Jason Bateman?

  Heartbreak warfare, yeah.

• 1:08:41Sean Hayes?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:42Jason Bateman?

  Except that one.

• 1:08:43Speaker 04

  (singing) Inside my chest to keep me... No computers, isn't this amazing?

• 1:08:48Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it's amazing. It's so good. I mean, but I need to tell you, I'm freaking out that you're singing in front of me right now. It's really cool.

• 1:08:55Jason Bateman?

  Singing weird? Well, speaking of which, what's that goddamn piano doing?

• 1:08:58Sean Hayes?

  Your 14-year-old self? No, I had one last question before I...

• 1:09:02Speaker 04

  If you want me to play something, I'll play something.

• 1:09:03Sean Hayes?

  I know I said I would. Yes, yes, I do, I do. Obviously. Um, before that, before you... Let's, last question, let's say you could form a super group of musicians that are alive, who's in it and what's the name of it?

• 1:09:14Speaker 04

  Alive.

• 1:09:15Sean Hayes?

  Okay.

• 1:09:19Sean Hayes?

  Great answer. That is good.

• 1:09:21Speaker 04

  I mean, so, to me, my hero, like, like, real, okay, there's people you say they're your hero, but there's people that you just lose it around, and to me, Eddie Vedder.

• 1:09:32Sean Hayes?

  Amazing.

• 1:09:33Speaker 04

  To me, that's it, that's it.

• 1:09:35Sean Hayes?

  Love him, yeah.

• 1:09:36Speaker 04

  Like, you gotta understand, like, you can play any, people play so many different things on a guitar, or I should say, there's only so many things you could play on a guitar. His particular way of dropping in.

• 1:09:48Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:49Speaker 04

  So I would just want to, it's a selfish thing, I'd wanna be next to him making music.

• 1:09:53Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:54Speaker 04

  And luckily, I'd put people in the band I probably already played with, I put Steve Jordan on the drums, put Pino on the bass.

• 1:09:59Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, I love that. You know, I, when, cause I, obviously, I knew you were coming on because you're my guest today, but I went bonkers with nerves, cause I was practicing a couple of your songs, cause I wanted to play with you, but I can't because we didn't rehearse.

• 1:10:12Speaker 04

  Yes, you are.

• 1:10:13Sean Hayes?

  No, no, no, I can't.

• 1:10:14Speaker 04

  You have to, cause I didn't rehearse.

• 1:10:15Sean Hayes?

  No, no, I don't know the chords and all that, but, but, I mean, I need sheet music, I can't read fake books and chord charts. So, but if you weren't gonna play, I was gonna bait you by playing something myself, but I'm glad you are, so I don't have to, so please, would you indulge us?

• 1:10:28Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 1:10:29Sean Hayes?

  And play something?

• 1:10:30Speaker 04

  I just have to remember it.

• 1:10:33Speaker 05

  It's very nice of you, John.

• 1:10:34Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, it's very nice of you.

• 1:10:35Speaker 05

  Very nice of you.

• 1:10:37Sean Hayes?

  Oh my god, there's so many.

• 1:10:38Speaker 05

  Can I play anything I want?

• 1:10:40Sean Hayes?

  Yes.

• 1:10:40Speaker 05

  But I want to impress you. You're the one who brought me in. You're the one who sent the email.

• 1:10:45Sean Hayes?

  Well, I like...

• 1:10:47Speaker 05

  I wrote all those great questions.

• 1:10:49Sean Hayes?

  I love...

• 1:10:49Speaker 05

  That one.

• 1:10:50Sean Hayes?

  I love "All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye." I love all the hit... I love the first one. I can't remember the name, but I know all the words. "I Want to Run My Halls in High School."

• 1:10:57Speaker 05

  Oh, no such thing.

• 1:10:58Sean Hayes?

  Yeah. I mean, you probably don't want to play that. I don't know.

• 1:11:01Speaker 05

  I mean, it's...

• 1:11:01Speaker 04

  Could you?

• 1:11:02Speaker 05

  Let him play what the hell he wants.

• 1:11:04Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, play whatever you want. I want you to play what you want.

• 1:11:06Speaker 05

  I'll tell you what. You call it out, I'll play a little bit of it.

• 1:11:08Sean Hayes?

  No, no, you play it. You pick, you pick.

• 1:11:11Speaker 04

  Uh, "See Gravity" would be nice, too.

• 1:11:17Sean Hayes?

  Yeah, play "Olive Continue."

• 1:11:19Speaker 05

  "Olive Continue."

• 1:11:20Speaker 04

  Medley!

• 1:11:21Speaker 05

  Medley, I know. I'm at the age of doing a medley. I'll do a medley if you want.

• 1:11:25Sean Hayes?

  Yes!

• 1:11:27Speaker 05

  Hold on, let me just load it up in my head. Okay.

• 1:11:33Speaker 04

  All right, okay.

• 1:11:35Sean Hayes?

  Yeah!

• 1:11:47Speaker 05

  It's not a silly little moment. It's not strong before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of... This love that we've been working on and on. Can't seem to hold you like I want to. So I can feel you in my arms. Nobody's gonna come and save you. We pulled too many false alarms. We're going down. And you can see it too. We're going down.

• 1:12:26Speaker 05

  And you know that we're too. My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room. It's too good. Can I just keep going on this song?

• 1:12:43Speaker 05

  I was the one you always dreamed of. You were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it's nothing to me? Baby, you're the only light I ever saw. I'll make the most of all the sadness. You'll be a bitch because you care. Oh, you try to hurt me just to hurt me. So you leave me feeling dirty 'cause you can't understand. We're going down. You could see it too. Ah, we're going down. And you know that we're doomed, my dear.

• 1:13:26Speaker 05

  We're slow dancing in a burning room.

• 1:13:31Speaker 04

  And now, Sean, in other words, I guess what I was trying to say with this song was...

• 1:13:40Speaker 05

  Was all we ever do is say goodbye. Oh, all we ever do is say goodbye. All we ever do is say goodbye. Oh, all we ever do is say goodbye. All we ever do is say goodbye. All we ever do is say goodbye.

• 1:14:23Speaker 05

  All we ever do is say goodbye. All we ever do is say goodbye.

• 1:14:42Speaker 05

  Welcome to the real world, she said to me, condescendingly. Take a seat, take your life and plot it out in black and white. Well, I never lived the dream of the prom kings and the drama queens. I'd like to think the best of me is still hiding up my sleeve. They love to tell you, see inside the lines.

• 1:15:21Speaker 05

  But something's better on the other side. Everybody! Yeah! I wanna run through the halls of my high school. I wanna scream at the top of my lungs. I just found out business to think as the real world, just a lie you got to rise above. I just can't wait till my senior reunion. I'm gonna bust down the double doors. And when I stand on these tables before you, you will know what all this time was for.

• 1:16:09Speaker 05

  Thank you. John Mayer, everybody!

• 1:16:15Speaker 05

  John Mayer! Thank you so much, what a blast, what a blast. Awesome.

• 1:16:24Will Arnett?

  Great, um...

• 1:16:25Speaker 05

  Now, Sean, I gotta say, great job, Sean.

• 1:16:30Will Arnett?

  Great job, Jason.

• 1:16:30Speaker 05

  I mean, I think, I mean, bellissimo.

• 1:16:34Speaker 02

  Where is he? Where is he?

• 1:16:36Speaker 05

  He's up there.

• 1:16:37Speaker 02

  He's in the back of the theater. I love it, yeah!

• 1:16:41Jason Bateman?

  I think Scotty might be in trouble, huh?

• 1:16:44Sean Hayes?

  A little bit.

• 1:16:46Jason Bateman?

  What, that I did this photo? Well, no, I mean, you guys had a real connection.

• 1:16:51Sean Hayes?

  I know. I love that guy. He's so... Isn't he amazing?

• 1:16:55Jason Bateman?

  That John Mayer, you guys.

• 1:16:56Speaker 05

  What a talent.

• 1:16:58Jason Bateman?

  And I saw, I saw a bunch of you guys mouthing the lyrics too. Like, you didn't know he was coming out here and you're big John Mayer fans. I love that.

• 1:17:06Sean Hayes?

  I like what he said about vulnerability. I think more men should be more vulnerable in the world.

• 1:17:11Jason Bateman?

  Agreed.

• 1:17:12Sean Hayes?

  We talk about that a lot. And I think he's a brainiac and a sweetheart and a good person. And I hope he finds love because he deserves it.

• 1:17:20Jason Bateman?

  That's right.

• 1:17:21Sean Hayes?

  And...

• 1:17:21Jason Bateman?

  There's a bucket out there with phone numbers for any single people out there.

• 1:17:25Sean Hayes?

  And, but I love that song. One of my favorite songs.

• 1:17:29Speaker 05

  I know. It's a great song.

• 1:17:30Jason Bateman?

  It sounded very good.

• 1:17:30Sean Hayes?

  Do you remember the name of it? "All We Ever Do Is Say..."

• 1:17:34Speaker 05

  Goodbye.

• 1:17:35Sean Hayes?

  Bye.

• 1:17:39Jason Bateman?

  Very good.

• 1:17:40Speaker 05

  Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.