Caller: “What Does a Healthy Sex Life Look Like?”

📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony’s free weekly marriage check-in. On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman wondering what a healthy sex life looks like A father struggling to understand why his son’s school kept secrets from him A wife grappling with the aftermath of being attacked by her husband’s friend Next Steps: Visit Valor Reocvery. 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  I'm calling you on something. So you said that if you think trading orgasms with your spouse is a good sex life, then you're wrong. And that might have struck a chord with me. So in your opinion, what does a good sex life look like?

• 0:20Dr. John Delony?

  I'm more interested in where that struck a chord with you.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thank you for joining us. Real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on the show. You want to talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, your sex intimacy life, your money, whatever you got going on in your life. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Been sitting with hurting people for more than two and a half decades now. Man, I'm getting old. But I would love to join you and figuring out what's the next right move. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on the show. Let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to Ann. Hey, Ann, what's up?

• 1:08Speaker 00

  So I had a question based on maybe a month or so ago, you mentioned in a podcast.

• 1:14Dr. John Delony?

  Uh oh, is this bad?

• 1:16Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. I'm calling you on something.

• 1:18Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, good, good.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  So you said that if you think trading orgasms with your spouse is a good sex life, then you're wrong. And that might have struck a chord with me. So in your opinion, what does a good sex life look like?

• 1:36Dr. John Delony?

  Great question. I'm, I'll answer that. I'm more interested in where that struck a chord with you.

• 1:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think I was kind of surprised that it, that it did. I've been married and with my husband for almost 20 years. We have sex, we enjoy it. We're happy about like the frequency and things like that. Our, our kids are, you know, not little anymore. They're not, they're not hitting the hormones yet. So we're in a sweet spot, I think. But yeah, I think it just kind of hit like a, you know, are we doing something wrong? Is there more to what we should be doing? You know what I mean? Is there something that we could experience together moving forward that I just don't know how to tap into? So yeah, a lot of questions kind of came about when you said that.

• 2:23Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So I just, I need to applaud you. Great, great question. And great, like, hey, that struck a chord and I don't even know why. And then digging into it. And then maybe you get, it strikes a chord and you realize, I think he's wrong. Or I don't, I think like in your case, I think our sex life is exactly what we both want it to be. And that's fantastic. Does that mean that something's bad? Okay. So my, like, without a doubt, foundational answer is no. Nothing is wrong with you and your husband. If y'all are being intentional and if y'all have create, co-created this thing together, whatever it is that

• 3:06Dr. John Delony?

  you want, that's, that's what it is. And I don't remember the call where I said that, but it's a, it's something that, that conversations, especially when, when folks come visit me at my house, or I'm sitting with folks in their, in their own homes, it comes up over and over, which is sex becomes a thing that you do for me and I do for you. It becomes a very, a very mechanical transaction.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:33Dr. John Delony?

  And the whole goal of sex becomes, I've got to get off. And it's your job to do that for me. And then give me a chore list and I'll get you off and then we'll go about our lives. And so what happens in that moment, I mean, in that, when a sex life becomes distilled down to, I get off, you get off, and then we part ways, then man, that's, it's just, it's such fertile ground for somebody at the office to think you're a little bit funnier than normal. And you get a way deeper emotional intimate connection that way. Does that make sense?

• 4:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I hear what you're saying for sure.

• 4:10Dr. John Delony?

  So

• 4:13Dr. John Delony?

  trying to think of the next right question for you. Um,

• 4:19Dr. John Delony?

  and again, golly, you've done a great job kind of calling me out. I don't, I hate to go fishing for things that, in, in a pond with no fish, right? It's not a good use of anybody's time. But do you have ideas in your head or thoughts? Or when it struck a chord, did you think, huh, it could be dot, dot, dot? Or we're missing fun? Or like, tell me what you were thinking?

• 4:46Speaker 00

  I guess, I guess I am more like, you know, what are, what are we missing out on? Maybe I think, you know, when you said sort of like, oh, kind of not transactional, because that sounds really awful, because we do have fun. So I think it's more, I feel like we've kind of, maybe the pattern that we've established over by habit, by whatever it is. And we, you know, years ago, like pre-kids, we had some infertility struggles. And so there was a script there. And then we kind of, you know, survived the young kids era. And I think it just kind of, it, by habit, maybe not intentionally, like, we didn't have intentionality, I guess, into what we wanted our sex life to be. And here

• 5:30Speaker 00

  it is. And maybe we're kind of coming up for air at the first, you know, for the first time in a while. And we're kind of thinking like, maybe, and I think what that chord might have been, and this is my theory, is just, maybe that struck the like, oh, there could be more than what we've, you know, kind of got to by habit. Does that make sense?

• 5:49Dr. John Delony?

  One million percent. And by the way, you are speaking for millions of married people right now. So thank you for having the courage to do that. This is a, an incredible moment for y'all because things are good. And there's no like, it doesn't sound like there's any, nobody's perfect. We know that, right?

• 6:13Speaker 00

  We're each other's ride or dies, like for sure.

• 6:15Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. That's awesome. Yeah. But even when you're ride or dying, sometimes somebody like cuts you off, right? But, but like, this is a perfect moment to take some time to say, hey, we get to build this new version of our marriage. And my hope is, is that for couples that sex becomes a continuation of an extraordinary friendship, but it becomes a, the word, the words I use to describe what intimacy is, it's a secret world. This is just ours, where we can go to the party and nobody in that party knows what we just did before we got to this party. And you can just, you can look each other across the room and you just see that each other's eye and you're like, yeah, I know. And you know

• 7:00Dr. John Delony?

  what I'm talking about? And it's that level of intentionality of what, what could this be? And if this is what this is, and we both love it, then it's awesome. But it's just being that word that I keep coming back to is intentionality. Here's how, here's what would be a fun thing for y'all to do. Clear the deck, go out, and here we say this a billion times, go to breakfast, go to lunch sometime, and spend some intentional time, you or your, your spouse, get a babysitter or whatever, and go, and while things are good, say, hey, give me four things that we used to do in the bedroom that we don't do anymore that you kind of miss. What are three or four things that you used to love?

• 7:43Dr. John Delony?

  And now you're not really into them anymore, but you're just kind of like playing along because it just is. Give me two or three crazy fantasies and commit to, whenever he says whatever he says, and whatever you say, commit on the front end, curiosity over judgment, not, oh my gosh, it's sick, you're crazy. But, but wow, tell me, what is it about that? Right? Because usually underneath those things, there's, there's a, there's a sentiment there. And so those, those conversations I've found with couples become almost, if not more intimate and connecting and secret world building than actually doing whatever the things y'all talked about, whatever positions or, you know, whatever, dressing up weird,

• 8:27Dr. John Delony?

  like whatever the things are, the, the fact that, yeah, this is our little world. Nobody comes in here. And this is rad. That becomes a fun thing. And setting it up for once a month, once every three months, once every six months, how we doing? Anything you want to try? Here's a, and you may have heard me talk about this on the show. This was a joke from five or six years ago in the middle of, it was during COVID. So it was like a,

• 8:53Dr. John Delony?

  a virtual marriage retreat that me and my friend Rachel did. And I suggested coming up with the John Deloney erotic envelope system, which was a, it's a 99 cent, that people started writing in like, where do I buy it? And I was like, dude, it's not, it's not a thing. But now, now we actually, we actually made nice ones and we give them away at the money marriage retreat. But you get some note cards and an envelope, you write 10 things, he writes 10 things, you'll put it in the envelope and commit to once a month, once a week, once a day, I don't care. We're going to pull one of these things out and we're going to give it the old college try. Right? Absent, like, obviously absent something degrading, something like the violate your values or pain or whatever. Like, I'm

• 9:36Dr. John Delony?

  going to give this a try and I don't even know how it's a work, but we're going to figure this out. And the, the joke is, but it's not a joke. The first time, I made this for me and my wife, the first thing I ever pulled out, ever, I pulled a card out and it was, it was like a French kiss only for 30 minutes or something like that. And I was like, are you kidding? I was so deflated. I was like, what? And, but here's the thing, instead of, and my impulse was to be like, are you kidding me? But I, I remembered my own teaching and it was like, dude, be curious. And so I said, okay, what is it about this? My wife explained what it was like when we were freshmen, when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman in college, we met each other and we would just steal away and kiss

• 10:21Dr. John Delony?

  and then sprint off to class. And how she could tell that how much I like was super into her. And, but it was this whole other context, you know what I'm saying? And so that conversation was so rad and it planted seeds for me, like, how do I recreate that sense of desire she felt from me back when we were like 18 and 19? Right? And so it just, it resparked our house. So that's where that, that something so silly and simple and basically free can be a fun thing that helps with intentionality.

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Awesome. Okay. Yeah, we'll have to give it a, give it a try. We'll give the 99 cent envelope a try.

• 11:02Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll send you guys the questions for humans intimacy deck and the, the couples decks, just the conversations.

• 11:12Dr. John Delony?

  Themselves tend to open things, um, open up new possibilities and new worlds and whatnot. But I, I do love, I love that you asked this question. It's awesome. It's awesome.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate the, the help.

• 11:27Dr. John Delony?

  You got it. Hey, well, thanks for calling in. I'm really grateful for you and, um, stay out of trouble. Okay. When we come back, a man asks what he should do if his child's teacher was investigated for sexual harassment and is still teaching. Great question. We'll be right back.

• 11:45Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I know a lot of you out there are trying to keep it together all the time. You show up to work, you pay the bills, you smile at the right times, but then no one sees you snap at your spouse. They don't see you sitting awake at 2:00 AM, running through everything you wish you'd done differently that day. Listen, just because you're functioning doesn't mean you're okay. Talking to someone else is a great way to process what's happening in your life and getting to the root of your challenges. That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp will match you with one of their 30,000 licensed therapists. Someone you can be real with and finally put down some of the weight you've been carrying.

• 12:24Dr. John Delony?

  They can help you get perspective and see the other side of your situations and help you with a plan for moving forward. BetterHelp therapists all follow a strict code of ethics, and if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch for no extra cost. Listen, asking for help before you hit a wall is in a weakness. It's wisdom and strength. If you're exhausted from always having to hold everything together, trust a BetterHelp therapist to help you carry the load. Go to betterhelp.com/daloni for 10% off. That's betterhelp, H E L P, dot com slash daloni.

• 13:01Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we are back. Let's go out to Milwaukee, Wisconsin and talk to Anthony. Hey, Anthony, what's up?

• 13:07Speaker 02

  Not a whole lot. How about yourself?

• 13:09Dr. John Delony?

  Doing all right, brother. Just plugging along, man. School started and summer's wrapping up and we are in the middle of it now, man.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  No kidding. Summer flies right by. So, so far, we'll just stick with the facts. Last school year, um, 25 and 26, a teacher at the school is investigated for allegations of sexual abuse or harassment.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  The teacher, that particular teacher happens to be the teacher of my child going into that school this year. For 26, 27, a police investigation was done, um, following the allegations. He was placed on leave from the school, was found not guilty, or I guess I'm not sure if that's the proper terms that I should be using. But nothing, nothing following the, following the investigation called for, um, any consequences, if you will. We've heard a ton of stories from the rumor mill, um, as you'll have with any story in today's world. Some stories we trust and find value in, some we don't. Either way, we wanted our child placed in a new classroom.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  The new principal this year, um, I'm not, coincidentally, uh, this year there is a new principal as well. That principal sent us to the superintendent. Um, he refused to move our child and refused to give reason as to why.

• 14:39Speaker 02

  And, um, so we met in person with the principal. We thought that would probably be a better way for us to get a feel on the situation. And for the character of the new principal, um, meeting in person is always better. That went well. We felt significantly more comfortable with that. And in addition with reaching out to some other parents that were also, um, having concerns. Ultimately, we made the choice to continue sending this child to the school.

• 15:11Speaker 02

  We're just not sure if we made the right choice. We're hoping that we did. We're planning on, uh, just having conversations with our child about what's safe and what's not safe.

• 15:23Speaker 02

  With behaviors and touch and all of that stuff. You know, we don't have any facts to make any drastic measures, so we were kind of put between a rock and a hard place. We're just seeking, seeking your advice.

• 15:36Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I, I, I'm going to double and triple applaud you, man. You're a good dad and your child is lucky to have you and your spouse on their team. It's awesome. Like what, what you just described to me, you've done all the right things.

• 15:56Dr. John Delony?

  So I've been, uh, you, you probably know this. I, I was in educational context for more than two decades, right? And I was, a, a, a lot of the years I was there was a part of these type of investigations. And mine usually started with the student side and sometimes I was involved in the administrative, like the actual employee side. And sometimes I had to hand off what I knew to the other, other investigators. You're right that there are different evidentiary standards. So like in a court of law, right? It's innocent until proven guilty. And so, um, but in a educational context, they're different. And so it's more likely than not, right?

• 16:37Dr. John Delony?

  And so the, your, your concern brings up several global issues for me that are just tough. And it's, we're just in a new world. And here's issue number one.

• 16:52Dr. John Delony?

  We don't trust anybody at all for anything ever anymore as a culture, as individuals, right? We all used to believe that at the end of the day, our doctor was trying to help us be healthy. Nobody believes that anymore. You know what I mean? Like because there's been so much, there's been actual misconduct that's been made public, like gross, disgusting, like world shaping, um, misconduct. There's also like, doctors are people and they make mistakes. And that stuff now in social media can just get blown up and now who knows? We don't trust that, right? And that's, that's new for all of us.

• 17:31Dr. John Delony?

  We all thought that the government was like, we, we knew the government was crooked and, but we all kind of thought the government was out there working out for the people. We, nobody believes that anymore at all, right? Same with church, same with education. We thought all of our teachers were on our team. Now, and here's the thing, I work with a ton of, and I'm friends with a lot of physicians. I trust my kids' lives to them. I trust them. And I've had some seeds of doubt planted, right? And so I do my homework too, and yada, yada, yada. Same with education. So that's number one. So that idea that we don't know who to trust and it all feels, ugh, and this is my kid and I'll go to the ends of earth for my kid.

• 18:13Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to know, you're not crazy. That's, that's our cultural zeitgeist right now. Trust no one. All right? The second part of this is in the current litigious world that we live in, for, this is, this is totally my opinion. I can be way wrong. Okay?

• 18:32Dr. John Delony?

  For a school district to take the risk to put a teacher back in the classroom is a truly, like this teacher was to be found guilty of doing this again. Then the school would be on the hook liable, like would be liable to such a degree that it would be maddening, right? So for them to take the quote unquote risk of putting this teacher back in, um, would be really significant. And so if you've met with the principal and you feel good about it and you've asked the hard questions and your principal is obviously not allowed to talk about HR issues, which is frustrating. And they're not allowed to give details, which is frustrating because there's a child involved also that made allegations or whatever.

• 19:17Dr. John Delony?

  And here's the third part, and this is the most disconcerting. Okay?

• 19:23Dr. John Delony?

  I was a part of a lot of these conversations with students of all ages, with, um, administrators, with faculty, with staff. And there were times that the thing that was, that somebody was accused of just flat out didn't happen. Or it was misinterpreted, or it was a knuckleheaded 22-year-old teacher trying their best to be supportive. And this other student had tons of social media and got, got a TikTok that said, the five ways you know you're being groomed. And suddenly this, this well-meaning, young and inexperienced, but this well-meaning teacher suddenly has their entire career put on the block, right?

• 20:06Dr. John Delony?

  And so there is, that happens with some regularity. My rule of thumb was always, I'm going to believe the kid unless I'm a part of a, of an executive conversation, right? And then I've got to look at just the facts, but I'm going to believe the kid and then I'm going to hand it to the people that are supposed to make the decision.

• 20:23Dr. John Delony?

  And, and gathering facts. I always want a child to know you got at least one adult in your life on your team. And by the way, there's also parents who just flat out throw grenades, right? And I've had to go to professors, I've had to go to teachers and say, hey, I know you are trying to be extra accessible. And you gave all your students your cell number? Terrible idea.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Because one of those kids is going to text you at 11:30 and if you text a child back at 11:30, a student back even at 11:30 at night.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  You're off, you're off to the races.

• 20:54Dr. John Delony?

  That's it. That's it. I, I, you are now, you're like, you've put yourself in such a ridiculously vulnerable position. So all it says is there's a million different things. The one thing I would ask, if possible, are you at a public school or just a private school?

• 21:09Speaker 02

  It's a public school.

• 21:09Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, I wonder if you could do a FOIA request, a Freedom of Information Act and request certain emails.

• 21:20Dr. John Delony?

  Like email correspondence and you have to be specific when you request these things. But I want all of the administrative emails between um the principal, the outgoing principal and the superintendent. The, right? And you can, like, you have to be specific and they're gonna redact stuff, like, they can't put child's, children's name in there and things like that. But there is a way you can sometimes get context. It's how reporters end up with information. Um, and once you make a Freedom of Information Act, back in Texas, I want to say it was 60 days, um, there was times I had to, like, print off big chunks of my emails and just submit them, right? Just print them out and to put them in a binder and give them away, right? So there is that possibility.

• 22:06Dr. John Delony?

  Um, after you met with the principal and you, are you married?

• 22:12Speaker 02

  Uh, so actually, um, this child's, um, mother and I, we are divorced.

• 22:17Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  And I have, um, I'm currently engaged in my, my new fiance and, um, kid's mother, my ex-wife, we all get along great, we're on the same page.

• 22:27Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome, great.

• 22:28Speaker 02

  Um, I couldn't, couldn't ask for a better situation as far as that part of the situation.

• 22:33Dr. John Delony?

  So when y'all three, like, huddled up after a meeting with the principal, what was the sentiment?

• 22:39Speaker 02

  Um, we, we, we felt, we felt like our voices heard. We didn't feel like it was just like a nonsense meeting just to, you know, just to get the water off the duck's back, if you will.

• 22:51Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 22:52Speaker 02

  Um, we, we, we definitely, um, she encouraged us to come and meet with her anytime. She said her, um, goal as a new principal is to try to be out and about in the classroom as much as possible. I did have, um, um, a, a full day's worth of, um, probably 15, 20 emails back and forth with the superintendent about, um, just policy and why my child couldn't be moved and about the police investigation. The superintendent, the superintendent encouraged us to go get the police report from the county, which we did and we read it. Um, and there is a lot of mixed up stuff in there that I can understand, you know, both sides of the story, kind of like what you were saying, oh, sometimes kids, you know,

• 23:35Speaker 02

  take something and run with it for a mile, sometimes parents launch grenades. I could see some of that going on in there. Um, and that's when the legal, the legal part of it to me was explained that in this, at, at least in our state, that if something like that happens at a school, parents don't need to be reported, only the parent of the child that, like, only the child that's associated with the allegations are informed. A statement wasn't made about, from the school as a whole.

• 24:06Dr. John Delony?

  Gotcha. And some schools have gone to that, where they don't do their own, what I'll call an HR investigation, they don't do their own, they just turn everything over to the police.

• 24:18Speaker 02

  Correct, which is what happened here.

• 24:20Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, and sometimes that is right and good, and sometimes the evidentiary standard that the police have to have is so high, that a, that a district attorney would have to have is so high. I have to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that this, that this person was doing this. Whereas you can look at context in this and be like, this is not right.

• 24:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:42Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 24:43Speaker 02

  Well, and in, in the police report too, there was detail that this particular family that made the allegations had, like, stirred up some dust in a, in several other school districts in the area.

• 24:53Dr. John Delony?

  There you go, yeah.

• 24:54Speaker 02

  Which, which leads me to, leads us to believe that there may be some foul play going on, it's just, as a dad, it makes my blood boil that I wasn't informed about it.

• 25:04Dr. John Delony?

  Right, right.

• 25:05Speaker 02

  Um, even if it was like a, a blanket statement without sharing any details, but I'm starting to understand more and more, um, just all the nitty gritty details, behind the scenes stuff that I maybe don't understand, but it's easy for me to just take right off when my kids' safety is put in jeopardy.

• 25:21Dr. John Delony?

  Dude.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  It's easy for me to just grab my pitchfork.

• 25:23Dr. John Delony?

  That, I mean, I'm, I'm right there with you. Your, your gut impulse is right. What I can't tell you here is that you're all good.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Well, without, without, without more information that I might just not have access to, and that's the reality of the situation that we're in, um, you know, we might not be able to have that information. However, we did discuss, um, moving this child to a different school and we, we have some gripes about some other surrounding districts and then just came to the decision in the world we live in, there's always gonna be something fishy going on or something that you don't like. Um, so we'll take the facts, we'll run with them, we'll keep our eyes and ears open, we'll make sure that our child is educated on appropriate behaviors at school and we, we, we leave the rest in God's hands, it's His plan, not ours.

• 26:13Dr. John Delony?

  How, how old is, how old is your child?

• 26:16Speaker 02

  Uh, third grade.

• 26:17Dr. John Delony?

  Third, phew, third grade.

• 26:21Dr. John Delony?

  There it goes, there's, there's my blood boiling now. Man, phew, um, and I got a fifth grader and so I, um, I a hundred percent agree with everything you said except for one thing. Um, I don't want us as adults, as parents, as really the, the stewards of the next generation to just accept, well, there's just bad stuff everywhere, that's not good for me.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 26:51Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm gonna keep asking questions, I'm gonna keep, um, I'm gonna keep my finger really close to the pulse of what's going on in the world of my child.

• 27:01Speaker 02

  And I didn't, I didn't mean that in the sense that I was just, um, that it would be swept under the rug. I mean, we're, we're, as a, as a trio of parents, we've made a point that, you know, we're gonna make sure we're asking more than just the, how's your day at school question every day after school and we're, we're communicating if we hear anything fishy, um, we're, I mean, we live 10 minutes from the school and we're always at the school, we're close with a local pastor who does a Bible club in the school and they're always in the school. We know some of the other teach, I mean, we, we, other than being there every day, we're just about as, we're just about as, as involved as we can be. We've had a positive experience with every other teacher that we've had.

• 27:43Dr. John Delony?

  Man, it sounds like you're doing the best you can, keep your finger on the pulse, and I want to applaud you for not being a lunatic and not trying to burn everybody to the ground based on what may be baseless allegations, but also committing to doing your homework, having the hard conversations, not just saying, okay, whatever, um, like, no, I'm gonna go sit with the superintendent, no, I'm gonna go personally take time off of work and I'm gonna go sit with the new principal. I'm gonna ask hard questions, I'm gonna begin making sure that my son or my daughter knows, um, right ways to respond to things and what's, what's appropriate, what's not appropriate. Man, I applaud you.

• 28:22Dr. John Delony?

  That's the right way to handle it and, um, your child's in great, great hands with you and your, the adults in, in his or her life, man, at the helm. Congratulations, man. Call anytime, brother, thanks for the call, it's a great, great question. We come back, a woman asks how to heal after being attacked by a friend during a psychotic episode. We'll be right back.

• 28:46Dr. John Delony?

  All right, everyone, summer is over. I hope you had a great one, I hope you went on a vacation, I hope you took the time to slow down and relax, cause now we're back to real life. Full, overwhelming calendars, kids' school activities, racing around all over. But listen, what if there was a way you could keep that vacation going a little bit every day? There is. Cozy Earth. Their bamboo sheets are like the most comfortable hotel bed you've ever slept in, except way more comfortable than that, they're breathable, they're so good at regulating your temperature, no more kicking off the covers at 2:00 a.m. And Cozier Towels make you feel like you're at the spa, except it's just an ordinary Tuesday, it's at your house.

• 29:30Dr. John Delony?

  My house has Cozy Earth everywhere. They offer a hundred night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10-year warranty on all of their products. If you're not completely blown away, you can just return them. But listen, you are gonna be completely blown away and you're not gonna return nothing. You can't stay on a permanent vacation, but you can bring a little bit of vacation home with you every single day. Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code DELONY for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney, use code DELONY. And don't forget to take their post-purchase survey and let Cozy Earth know you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show.

• 30:11Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Hey, go to the link in the show notes and click on the weekly rundown. This is a, it's free, it's a PDF, it is simple, but this is just a step-by-step guide for having a weekly rundown conversation with you and your spouse. Talks about what's coming up on the calendar, was talking about who do we want to be this week, talking about what do we, what expenses do we know are coming up this week. It just gives the week a framework, and then you can begin to put in, where is sex going to go on the calendar? Where is date night going to go on the calendar? Where, where can I love you this week? Because this looks like it's going to get real busy for you. Where can I step in here and love you

• 30:52Dr. John Delony?

  in a way that I haven't shown up for you in the past? This simple PDF, man, thousands of people have written us back. It's changed my marriage, but it's also changed theirs in different households. And obviously, you can modify it to what fits you and your family. But just having this one step of intentionality, it takes 10 minutes, 30 minutes, it can take as long as y'all want to sit there and talk and reconnect, but it will transform your home. Click the link in the show notes on the weekly rundown and go pick it up. It's totally for free. Let's go out to New York City, New York, and talk to Amanda. Hey, Amanda, what's up?

• 31:28Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John. I'm good. How are you?

• 31:30Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing great. What's going on?

• 31:33Speaker 00

  Okay, first of all, big fan. Love your show. I cannot believe I'm actually, I have something to talk about, but just thank you for everything you and your team have done.

• 31:42Dr. John Delony?

  Thank you. I'm a big fan of Amanda from New York. Thanks for calling. It's awesome.

• 31:46Speaker 00

  Thank you. So I had an incident a couple of months ago where one of my husband's friends had a schizophrenic-induced episode where he had attacked me, and I am struggling with moving forward and kind of the dynamic of the friendships having changed.

• 32:09Dr. John Delony?

  So paint me a fuller picture here. This feels cut and dry to me, and whenever it feels that way, that's a signal that it's usually not. Paint me, paint me a picture here.

• 32:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course. So me and my husband have been together for over 10 years. We really pride ourselves on trying to have a very welcoming and open home for people to come and gather together. So for the past couple of years, usually about once a week, his friends come over, like a bunch of them, you know, they play their video games and we'll play poker, just like a really great time.

• 32:45Dr. John Delony?

  Very cool.

• 32:45Speaker 00

  And one of, one of these friends, again, I've known all of them for the length of our relationship, and this particular friend, we'll call him Chris, I've spent many hours talking to, he is, you know, slept over, like, you know, we all knew that he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, but, you know, from what he's described and what from everyone's known, it was always like, oh, okay, like, sometimes he hears like negative thoughts, or whatever the case may be, but it's never come up in any big way, maybe other than like rambling sometimes if, you know, whatever. So it really never was on anyone's radar of anything

• 33:26Speaker 00

  severe. So a couple of months ago, we had one of our normal parties, and I went to bed pretty early because I was tired, and I was going to wake up with our three-year-old the next day. And I'm laying in bed, and I hear the door open to our bedroom, and I thought it was my husband, but I turn over, and it's Chris standing in the doorway. So at first, I'm like, oh, Chris, like, is everything okay? Like, what's going on? And he doesn't say anything, and then he steps in the room and shuts the door. For a split second, I didn't think anything, but then it just kind of felt weird. So he comes and approaches the bed and then jumps on top of me, and I just am in a reactive, like, mood,

• 34:11Speaker 00

  I don't know, like, I don't know how I just reacted. I rolled over onto the floor, like, just as he was on top of me, and I put pants on, you know, like I was in bed, and I'm like, Chris, like, what are you doing? And now he's in our bed, like, oh, come here, like, I know you want me. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, like, Chris, I don't know what's going on, like, let's get some air. I guess that was just what I was thinking in the moment. So I get out of the bedroom, my husband and a couple of the friends are playing poker in the kitchen. So like, he, my husband sees my face, and I'm like, walking, and Chris is behind me, I'm like, you need to get some air, like, go get some air. And he's, you know, following very closely behind me, saying inappropriate things, like, oh, I want you

• 34:54Speaker 00

  so bad, like, it's just so uncomfortable and out of character. So I finally make it to my husband, who clearly sees something is wrong, and I kind of like, make Chris go outside. So I'm trying to tell my husband what happened, and then Chris starts screaming, just like screaming nonsense, not total nonsense, but you know, why did they do this to me? Why did this happen to me? Why did my mother do something? You know, and now I'm kind of like, we're all kind of like shocked. We've never seen this happen before. And we're like, okay, like, this is really, really uncomfortable. And so I tell my husband, like, I'm really freaked out right now, like, I want to stay here, like, let me go put on some more comfortable clothes, and I'll like, come right back. So as I'm walking

• 35:38Speaker 00

  to the bedroom, I hear my husband saying, Chris, stop, what are you doing? And as I'm walking through the hallway, he is behind me, and he is like, running, like, not running, but like, very fastly walking right behind me. And so then I just kind of froze in, in fear, because I could feel him getting really close to me, and I just, in that moment, didn't know what to do. And so my husband comes and, and grabs him by the neck, and is like, Chris, like, what are you doing? Like, stop. And he's not stopping. He's still trying to get at me, and I am still just standing there, like, just frozen and uncomfortable. And he eventually gets him off of me, and then I say, like, my, my daughter's room

• 36:23Speaker 00

  is two doors down, like, what are you doing? Like, you need to, you need to go, you need to leave. And then something like clicks in him, and he storms off downstairs, and then there was kind of some, like, yelling downstairs that he was doing. And then one, another friend had, we found out later, had taken him out of the house and brought him home. And, you know, me and my husband were, you know, we're just like, we were, everyone was very shocked at that situation. So, so that was what had happened.

• 36:56Dr. John Delony?

  My God, I'm sorry that happened to you in your own home.

• 37:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, it was really, I didn't know how to process it. I had, for a couple of weeks, I was experiencing some panic attacks. I felt like I've opened my home to people, and someone who I didn't think something would happen like this, you know, it did happen.

• 37:19Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I'm so sorry.

• 37:21Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 37:23Dr. John Delony?

  And I don't want to put anything on you, but I heard several little tiny slivers of you judging your responses at certain times?

• 37:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, definitely. I mean, I feel like-

• 37:36Dr. John Delony?

  Amanda, Amanda, you gotta give yourself some grace.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:41Dr. John Delony?

  Everybody has an idea of what they'll do when things like that happen, and then they happen. You know what I mean?

• 37:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  And trust yourself that your body was doing exactly what it knew to do in those moments.

• 37:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was, I just thought that now, since things have kind of, like, not died down, but it's been like a little bit of time, I feel like how calmly I had responded, maybe didn't, I don't know, I don't know, I just kind of been thinking about it too much, because now that it's been some time, now there's this uncomfortable discourse kind of going on, because, so at first, I really did try to approach with grace and understanding that he has schizophrenia from what, from the friend that brought him home. He had no recollection of what happened. He even went back the next day and saw him,

• 38:35Speaker 00

  and he said that he told Chris what had happened, and he had no idea what happened at all. And so for the first couple of weeks, I was, you know, I would kind of ask some of the friends, like, hey, like, have you talked to Chris? Like, is he okay? And I was just kind of trying to know, like, is he okay? Is, did he have any help? Did he go to the hospital or anything? And that, that didn't happen.

• 39:06Dr. John Delony?

  So are you, are you feeling pressure now to have him back in your home? Like, what, tell me how I can help?

• 39:13Speaker 00

  So now, other friend, like, now friends that we have had for years, they are hanging out with Chris, and having these get-togethers with him, where, you know, it was very clear the boundary, he's not allowed in our house, I don't want to be around him. And people are still hanging out with, like, these friends, like, people that are very close to me, like, one of them being our daughter's godfather, you know, is hanging out with Chris, and I'm finding out there is no conversation about what happened anymore. It's just, look, what he did was messed up, but he's still my friend, and I don't want him to be alone. And it's

• 39:53Speaker 00

  shifting to, oh, Chris feels so alone now because he's not invited to things, and like, oh, he had a schizophrenic episode, so it shouldn't be held to like, whatever standard. And now that sympathy that I had, now is turning like, to anger and resentment, and seeing our friends in a different light, because I do think there is some accountability, finding out afterwards, he wasn't supposed to be smoking weed, or, you know, doing the things he was doing.

• 40:25Dr. John Delony?

  Right. Where's your husband in all of this?

• 40:29Speaker 00

  He is 100% supportive of me, and has said that whatever I needed to be comfortable, whether it be telling people, hey, look, if you associate with Chris, we can no longer have you in your life, have you in our life, things like that. He's very, you know, open to everything. He's been amazing.

• 40:47Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 40:55Dr. John Delony?

  I wish I had a cleaner answer here for you, but it's usually after a big thing that you see somebody's true colors and the, what I hate on videos, like if something bad is happening, something's going on, there's an active shooter somewhere, I hate the Monday morning quarterbacking of that, right? Like when people get the, the video cameras or the cellphone cameras and they want to critique who moved in what way and who got behind something and who didn't do, like, I don't super love that because most people haven't been in that situation and in like you experienced, for most people who aren't trained, their,

• 41:38Dr. John Delony?

  your body just does what it does, it reacts. Where I begin to, my sympathy falls off is in the post, when the smoke is cleared a little bit and people's minds are clear, then you find out, oh, you care more about keeping the peace than you do about making sure my buddy's wife is safe. Right? Or, I guess, and I would ask you, like, it's easy to sit at home now and you would be uncommon, I don't want to put this on you, but you would be uncommon if you also didn't have this weird sense of, guilt is probably the

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  wrong word, but that sense that this thing, this, this get together that was beautiful for a decade, this thing that happened all the time is now over and I was involved in it, right?

• 42:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:31Dr. John Delony?

  And then that should make you mad that you feel that way and then that makes you resentful and it just, it works in a big loop. I guess what I would ask you to do is to hold, you, you don't know what conversations are being had with two men looking at each other saying, if you smoke weed again, we're calling the cops. If you show up somewhere and you're unmedicated, this is what the, the results will be. You don't know if those are conversations are happening or not and the stories you're getting firsthand or second or third or fourth hand are that no conversation's happening, everything's back to normal. And that may or may not be true, but since you're never going to really know that, you get to pick what story you're telling yourself. And your, our bodies default to the story

• 43:16Dr. John Delony?

  that's going to keep us the safest. And so we're going to, it will, it will tend towards the more scorched earth story. You know what I'm saying?

• 43:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:26Dr. John Delony?

  At the end of the day, you have to deal with the heartbreak that somebody you trusted inside your own home attacked you in your own bed. That's a scary place to be.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  Is it unfair of me?

• 43:40Dr. John Delony?

  No, no.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  To, like, nothing is unfair, it's not unfair for me to tell my husband, like, I don't want these people around me if they associate with him.

• 43:49Dr. John Delony?

  No.

• 43:50Speaker 00

  But what about having schizophrenia? I don't know anything about it and about, you know, the not knowing what you're doing in the moment and

• 44:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, if somebody has a psychotic break, I mean, yeah, I've sat with folks who have no recollection of what they've done. And that's, there's a difference between why something happened and what happened. And as the victim of what happened, it's, I'm not going to put that burden on you to put yourself in, in harms way over and over and over again, because there's a what happened, or there's a why something happened. The fact is it happened. Now, if this, if, if this, and schizophrenia is on a spectrum,

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  and so, some folks manage it, can manage it really well, it is like, kind of like you mentioned, like, a little bit conspiratorial, a little bit voices, a little bit, right? And it can be managed and folks can, it'll always be a struggle, they've always got to be on medication, they've always got to be talking to somebody. But there are things that, that you can do to, where most people wouldn't know, you know what I mean? Only people really close. And then it also scales, right? So it also can move over time, it's not a static, it's not static, right? And the voices can get louder, is, is a simple way to say it. And medications may need to be changed. And all that to say is, management

• 45:28Dr. John Delony?

  of this thing is an ongoing process. All of that to say, you, as the victim of an attempted assault in your own bed, one door down from your daughter, with your husband in the next room, do not have to participate in that management.

• 45:48Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:51Dr. John Delony?

  And the, the only pushback I would even, like, eh, I am 1,000% on your side when you say that your husband's amazing and great, has handled this great. The only pushback I would have if he called me is, that I would ask him, since these are his core group of friends, that he takes this burden from you. Does that make sense?

• 46:14Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, he has asked me what to do, like, what would make me comfortable. And he was, you know, he's willing to, you know, put out the, hey, you cannot associate with him and still be in our lives.

• 46:28Dr. John Delony?

  But that puts

• 46:29Speaker 00

  But it felt scorched earth.

• 46:30Dr. John Delony?

  Well, it puts an incredible burden on you, the victim here, to also be responsible for the, what happens next. And so, one of my rules of thumb in somebody in an assault or an attempted assault is, you're driving, but up to a point, since I'm in a, like a ride or die relationship with you, I would probably flip it, and I would probably look at my wife in this situation. And again, it's not happened. And so, this is me talking out of, like, what I think I would do, and at this point, I've been through this so much with other folks, I would say, hey, these, these folks are not in our life at

• 47:15Dr. John Delony?

  all, if they're going to associate with him, until you tell me otherwise. I'm taking the lead here, because I want to carry the burden of, like, you've been through enough. It's not also your job to co-manage, like, what should, like, friendship here and friendship, these are my buddies, this happened in my house to my wife. And, and again, I'm using very possessive language unfairly, right? But that's the sense of ownership I would feel. And I'd be real, real direct with my other guy friends. Now, if he came over and said, hey, I want to have a conversation with you and with your wife, and you, and he, and your husband said, not in my house, you're not. Now, with my daughter asleep

• 47:58Dr. John Delony?

  in the next room, you're not. And y'all met somewhere at a local diner or a restaurant, and he said, I screwed up real bad and I wasn't taking my medication, I knew I shouldn't be drinking and smoking weed, and all these things happened in a row, and he looked at you and said, I hurt you and I'm sorry, you're my friend. I'm, I'm back to managing this thing, I'm under the care of a new physician, I'm yada, and just laid out a path, I still probably wouldn't let him in my home.

• 48:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:27Dr. John Delony?

  Not probably, I wouldn't let him in my house. But that would be a different context of, if other people want to hang out with him, if my husband even wants to go have a drink with him, or not a drink, but go have coffee with him, whatever, that might be a different thing. But as, as a husband, I would have a really, really hard time coming back from that, regardless of the context. My hope is this young man is able to sit with the right folks and has the right men in his life that won't just play video games with them, but will also love him enough to hold him to a higher standard. He should be in jail, or should have been arrested, let me say it that way, and gotten the psychiatric help he needs, in a psychiatric facility. But, man, I'm sorry this happened to you.

• 49:11Dr. John Delony?

  I'm glad your husband is showing up for you, too. But things are different now, and you and your husband get to decide what that looks like. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. We all have a million decisions to make every day, between what to have for dinner, who's going to drop off the kids, where to get an oil change. Listen, the last thing I want to think about with all that chaos going on is what to wear. And with Poncho, I never have to agonize over what shirt I'm going to put on. They're lightweight, they're breathable, they're stretchy, they're fast drying, and they're super tough, and they look awesome. I know when I grab it off the hanger, I'm going to look good and feel good no matter what I get into that day. I wear them here on the show, mowing the yard, fishing,

• 49:54Dr. John Delony?

  I wear them at church, I wear them everywhere. And it's college football season, Poncho has shirts for over 20 schools, I got my Texas Tech one, so you can represent your team and still look sharp. Head to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney to find your favorite school and grab your shirts. Sign up with your email for a special offer, and if you get a post purchase survey, tell them that Deloney sent you. That's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney, or click the link in the description. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

• 50:28Speaker 03

  All right. So I have an email here from a listener, Jeremy, in

• 50:33Dr. John Delony?

  Jeremy spoke in class today.

• 50:34Speaker 03

  In what?

• 50:35Dr. John Delony?

  Jeremy spoke.

• 50:38Speaker 03

  Great song.

• 50:39Dr. John Delony?

  Great song.

• 50:40Speaker 03

  In Rice Lake, Wisconsin.

• 50:41Dr. John Delony?

  You know what? When you say Rice Lake, Wisconsin, you know what my first response is? Yep. Of course, there's a town called Rice Lake in Wisconsin.

• 50:50Speaker 03

  Wisconsin.

• 50:51Dr. John Delony?

  It's perfect.

• 50:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. And I'll try not to read it in a Midwestern accent.

• 50:56Dr. John Delony?

  I think, I think you should.

• 50:58Speaker 03

  That's probably somehow disrespectful.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  It's grievous cultural appropriation, but

• 51:04Speaker 03

  But it's the only accent that I can do well, so.

• 51:07Dr. John Delony?

  You actually nailed it.

• 51:08Speaker 03

  All right. Plus, it's like, kind of a serious thing, so I won't.

• 51:13Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 51:14Speaker 03

  Jeremy writes, I don't have a question, but I wanted to thank John for suggesting the Theo, Theo Von interview with Steve Walt. Just to remind people, Theo Von had Steve Walt on, who runs Valor.

• 51:25Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 51:26Speaker 03

  The organization.

• 51:27Dr. John Delony?

  The Pornography Recovery Group.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's Pornography Recovery. I've struggled with porn addiction for years and it really hit home. Ever since I've listened to it, I've made some changes and haven't looked at it since. The thought of watching it now fills me with a bunch of ick. Since cutting it out, I've been more affectionate with my wife, we've touched and kissed in more playful ways. Everything he talked about hit home with me, and because of that, I believe I've turned a corner. Thank you for suggesting it, and thank you for being so willing to talk about such embarrassing topics with respect and understanding. I cannot tell you how much you've helped both my wife and I. Thank you for, for everything. I guess Kelly, I guess Kelly has to be thrown in there as well. Shrug.

• 52:04Dr. John Delony?

  See, Jeremy, she was mocking you with her accent. She shouldn't have done whatever. No, that, dude, I'm proud of you, man. That, huge kudos to Theo and his team for having Steve on. It's just such a great episode. And if you haven't listened to it, and you know somebody who's struggling pornography, or if you are, go check it out. We'll put a link in the show notes again. It's just such a, I've got high respect for Steve Walt, I've got high respect for Theo here, and he lives here in town. But man, that was a, that was an important conversation. And both of those men were pretty vulnerable in that conversation, so it's worth listening to. And more importantly, it's not just a stirring it around, they actually have some true steps on what to do and how to do it.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  And so, that's pretty awesome, pretty awesome. But a, proud of you, brother. That's awesome. Thank you for writing in and letting us know, Jeremy, the steps you're taking to heal yourself and heal your marriage and heal those around you. It's awesome.