Caller: “My Husband Can’t Accept My Boundaries”

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife whose husband won't accept her boundaries A woman wondering if her marriage can work despite what social media says A mom struggling to convince her daughter to talk to her dad Next Steps: 📚 Read Henry Cloud’s Book, Necessary Endings. 📋 Get on the same page before the week begins. Download Dr. John Delony's free weekly marriage check-in. ❤️ Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  My husband is an alcoholic. We've been married for 10 years and around year three, he started drinking and it quickly progressed. He's not violent or abusive, just very absent and a little rude, which leaves me to clean up every mess, financial, emotional, physical, and be a married, single mom.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Thanks for being here.

• 0:38Dr. John Delony?

  I hope wherever you find yourself, today's going pretty smooth. And pretty smooth would be a win for all of us these days. And so I hope wherever you happen to be, wherever this show's popping up in your earphones, or in your car, or somewhere in your house, wherever you happen to be, I hope things are going well for you. This show is about your mental and emotional health, your relationships. I'd sit down with real people and talk about real things going on in their lives. And we try to get to the next right step. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you right over. And if you have an Apple, I was gonna say an Apple phone, some call it an iPhone, right?

• 1:21Dr. John Delony?

  If you're hip with it, or whatever. My wife tells me I was born in the wrong century. But if you have an Apple device, I would love for you to consider going over to the App Store and getting the Together app. I'm biased, but I think it's the greatest marriage app on the planet. And we are constantly making some pretty amazing improvements to it. But here's the deal. Here's what it is. It's a micro habits for your marriage. It's an action plan for you and your spouse. You can do it in one player mode or two player mode. And your spouse can join for no extra cost. And the cost of the thing is so low, anyway. I just want people using it. That's the main goal. But it's micro habits. It's a small action step you can take

• 2:03Dr. John Delony?

  every day. Plus, we've added new learning tracks, new frameworks in there for dealing with conflict, with communication. We've added so much more cool stuff. And there's a ton left to come. But it is pretty extraordinary. And the feedback we've received from thousands of people all over is that this thing is working well. So go over to the App Store and check it out. And you Android folks, we're coming for you. We're coming for you. So go to Santa Barbara, California, and talk to Danielle. Hey Danielle, what's going on?

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you?

• 2:36Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. How are you?

• 2:38Speaker 00

  I'm okay.

• 2:40Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on?

• 2:41Speaker 00

  I wrote down my question so I could get this out coherently and give you a little background, if that's okay.

• 2:48Dr. John Delony?

  This show is probably not the place for coherence, because I don't usually make two sentences work together. But I would, you know what? It would be good if one of us was coherent. So yes, that's perfect. Go for it. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

• 3:00Speaker 00

  Got it. My husband is an alcoholic. We've been married for 10 years and around year three, he started drinking and it quickly progressed. I know why he drinks. It's a coping mechanism for severe childhood trauma and stress today. He's not violent or abusive, just very absent and a little rude, which leaves me to clean up every mess, financial, emotional, physical, and be a married, single mom. It's our biggest marriage battle, and I really believe all the small ones stem from it, too. About three weeks ago, I laid out an ultimatum, stop drinking, or I'm leaving. His response was, I'll think about it. That

• 3:41Speaker 00

  response itself, of course, was a gut punch. The next night, I came home to him having a case of beer, and he explained to me that he needed one last, two raw, and then he'd quit. Night two, he's still drinking, but asked for time to wean off, as he knows the dangers of alcohol withdrawal. We don't have health insurance, and I cannot afford a medical detox. So I agreed to a one month plan of weaning. We're living like roommates. Any conversation turns into a fight and him walking away from me. I used verbiage of laying out what I need to feel loved, but I see no effort and the drinking doesn't seem to be flowing. How do I get through to him that I don't want to leave, but my kids and I need a sober,

• 4:23Speaker 00

  present dad, and he's going to have to start having some hard conversations with me?

• 4:31Dr. John Delony?

  Man, I'm so sorry.

• 4:39Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. So if he was to go to AA, one of the first things, one of the first parts of that process is admitting that you're powerless.

• 4:55Dr. John Delony?

  And for you as a spouse, this is heartbreaking, but you too have to admit you're powerless.

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:06Dr. John Delony?

  You can't change him.

• 5:09Speaker 00

  Well, I've tried.

• 5:10Dr. John Delony?

  I know. I know you have. And I would even go as far to say, you know what? I don't know if this is helpful. I'll say this, take it with a grain of salt, okay? It's not every situation, but it's enough of them over the years that I've sat with people. His not getting sober instantly for you is probably not about you.

• 5:41Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 5:42Dr. John Delony?

  And I know it feels very personal. And the way you framed it made it very personal. And I would have done the exact same thing, okay? But my gut tells me that it's less about you, and more about the sheer terror of the true and honest feelings that will come rushing like a tsunami through him the moment he kicks his crutch out.

• 6:13Speaker 00

  That's fair, and probably very true.

• 6:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so I only tell you that not to minimize it in any shape, form, or fashion, but to depersonalize it in a way that hopefully frees you to do the next right thing for you and your kids.

• 6:31Dr. John Delony?

  Because I don't know many, if any, successful folks in recovery that quote unquote got sober for their kids, or got sober for their wife. Sometimes that's the only tiny dull light they can see through the haze that is their life. And that's what they say initially. But my experience has been sitting with folks in recovery, it only works when you decide I'm worth being clean. It's just too hard to do it for somebody else for too long.

• 7:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:04Dr. John Delony?

  And you're powerless to get him to that realization.

• 7:13Speaker 00

  So.

• 7:15Dr. John Delony?

  So.

• 7:17Dr. John Delony?

  I just, I just referenced this book on another show. A buddy of mine, Dr. Henry Cloud, he's kind of an OG. He's somebody I looked up to before I had this podcasting thing. He wrote a book called Necessary Endings. And it's oriented towards a business audience. How do you know when to keep an employee, or let them go, or to stay in a job, or leave a job, or close your business down, or keep your business going right? But it also has some really powerful, powerful insights and principles for relationships of all kinds, especially romantic relationships. But at the end of the day, so I strongly recommend

• 8:00Dr. John Delony?

  you read that. I used to make all my students read that book. It's a masterpiece. But one of the most important takeaways from that was the difference between a hope and a wish.

• 8:17Dr. John Delony?

  And a hope is wrapped up in evidence.

• 8:24Dr. John Delony?

  Is there movement from a documented plan? Is there movement towards tomorrow being different than today?

• 8:36Speaker 00

  That sounds like good things to anchor into.

• 8:39Dr. John Delony?

  And when a relationship of any sort, professional, personal, romantic, when a relationship is devoid of hope tomorrow, because one or both of us will refuse to go do what we need to do.

• 8:59Dr. John Delony?

  When a relationship is devoid of hope, that's when there's a period at the end of that sentence.

• 9:07Dr. John Delony?

  And my challenge to you would be, there are so many, especially in California, there are so many resources available to folks who don't think they can afford any number of programs. There is a lot of financial resources, but he would have to make it a part-time or full-time job.

• 9:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, he has to put in the work.

• 9:31Dr. John Delony?

  I gotta, and like I say, he might not be able to stop drinking right now, but he can put himself in a situation where he can begin to heal and get the skills he needs. To not only stop drinking, but to then deal with the nightmare that's waiting for him behind that curtain.

• 9:51Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 9:54Dr. John Delony?

  And again, the heartbreaking part of this call, like, you can't make him do any of that.

• 10:04Speaker 00

  That's not what I wanted you to tell me.

• 10:06Dr. John Delony?

  I know, I know. You've got to be the driver in the seat that is your, in the front seat of your own car.

• 10:17Dr. John Delony?

  And so when you made that ultimatum to him, what was your, and then what, plan? Where were you gonna go?

• 10:25Speaker 00

  Um.

• 10:26Dr. John Delony?

  Or where was he gonna go?

• 10:27Speaker 00

  Honestly, my plan is to tell him to leave. And because we have two children and a home, and it's not fair to uproot my kids into someone's bedroom in someone's house until I can figure life out. I feel like he needs to leave if he's making the choice.

• 10:46Dr. John Delony?

  Can you afford that house?

• 10:51Speaker 00

  I've done a lot of things in my life that I didn't think I could. I honestly, no. But if we ended up separating and sold the house, I could afford something smaller.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 11:03Dr. John Delony?

  So I want you to reframe this, and no matter what decision you make moving forward, I want you to hear me clearly, okay?

• 11:09Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 11:10Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest gift for your kids right now

• 11:14Dr. John Delony?

  is a healthy, well-regulated mom. And dad, but they're not gonna have that right now.

• 11:22Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 11:24Dr. John Delony?

  The greatest gift for them, like, let me put it this way. There, what you think is stability, same front yard, same windows, same doorknob,

• 11:37Dr. John Delony?

  there is some, there's some truth to that.

• 11:41Dr. John Delony?

  But kids can endure a lot if they are bound to regulated adults.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:48Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 11:50Dr. John Delony?

  Kids will anchor into things when there's not people to anchor into.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to dispel with the, I'm not saying y'all should leave. I'm just saying if you found yourself having to leave tomorrow, and y'all went, and the three of you went and stayed, and so, how old are your kids?

• 12:13Speaker 00

  15 and 10.

• 12:14Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Yeah, that'd be awkward for three of y'all to live in a one bedroom in somebody's house, right? But.

• 12:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:20Dr. John Delony?

  If y'all had to make do for a season,

• 12:24Dr. John Delony?

  and you did the next right thing.

• 12:25Speaker 00

  You have somewhere to do it off.

• 12:27Dr. John Delony?

  Your kids are gonna anchor into you.

• 12:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. What does your kids take on their dad?

• 12:36Speaker 00

  Um, well, my 15-year-old, my son, it's actually his stepdad. Um, my son is from a previous marriage, and they have an okay relationship. Um, and then my daughter thinks her dad hung the moon.

• 12:50Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:52Dr. John Delony?

  And so.

• 12:53Speaker 00

  But I also do a really good job of protecting all the chaos.

• 12:58Dr. John Delony?

  That's right. And so, part of, part of doing whatever the next right thing is, if you choose to leave, it's weathering the opinions and insights of 10-year-olds and 15-year-olds.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:13Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 13:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:15Dr. John Delony?

  And we could hope and pray that your husband would be a man of character. And when the kids say, "Dad, why did mom leave?", that he won't say, "'Cause she's a terrible woman." He might.

• 13:28Dr. John Delony?

  Or he might have the courage to say, "Your dad's real sick.

• 13:32Dr. John Delony?

  I didn't, I didn't do my part." I've known folks who struggle with alcohol who are that honest.

• 13:38Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:41Speaker 00

  I'm not sure that would be the case, but, you know.

• 13:46Dr. John Delony?

  So it's just knowing, I'm gonna be not liked by my husband, I'm gonna be not liked by my kids, but I'm gonna do the next right hard thing.

• 13:57Dr. John Delony?

  I've done hard things before, and I'm gonna do this incredibly hard thing. And by the way, you cannot do this by yourself. So I'm gonna reach out to resources, which is the worst, asking for help, right?

• 14:08Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:09Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm going to, because I'm worth it. My kids are worth it.

• 14:15Dr. John Delony?

  And maybe this is the elusive rock bottom that my husband needs. But I can't count on that. I mean, I can't do anything about it.

• 14:23Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:25Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  So I just have to stand strong to my or what, which is the hardest part.

• 14:31Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's, somebody called your bluff. I'll just say, I need to say it out loud.

• 14:40Dr. John Delony?

  It is a proverbial spitting in your face to come back the next day with a 12-pack.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:49Dr. John Delony?

  So, so hear me say, that's disgusting. And it's, it's ultimately deeply, deeply disrespectful.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:01Speaker 00

  I felt it.

• 15:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, but I want you to know you're not nuts. Okay?

• 15:09Speaker 00

  At least not about this.

• 15:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, fair, fair, fair.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Okay. Well.

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  But I mean, there's something to be said for,

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

  because I've known this exact situation. Somebody got an ultimatum, and they left, and they drank somewhere else.

• 15:29Dr. John Delony?

  And that was a big deal, and that was a violation of the or what, or the ultimatum, all that, well and good. But deep down, there was enough respect that I'm not gonna bring that home to her.

• 15:42Dr. John Delony?

  I'm gonna at least do it somewhere else.

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, that's not the problem. I mean, he's already, he just is alone in the garage. He's already not there, so it doesn't really matter where he is. It's the fact that he's not there.

• 16:02Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 16:04Dr. John Delony?

  And if you listen, listen to this show more than 30 seconds, it's full of me talking to folks who grew up in the home of somebody struggling with alcohol. And it's, it's a, it's a nightmare. It's a ghost, because they're there, they're right there, but they're not there.

• 16:22Dr. John Delony?

  And kids' nervous systems unspool, because there's an adult that they're trying to plug into, and that, that plug, I mean, the electric, electrical system's off. There's nothing to plug into. And those kids end up thinking they're the problem. And man, that's a, that's a nightmare for them, too. But you've been dealing with that for so long for yourself. So yeah, calls on you. But pick up that book, pick up Dr. Cloud's book, Necessary Endings. But be honest with yourself and say, okay, we, we came up with a plan. I gave a roadmap. And the next day, he brought him a 12-pack. And the day after that, he said he's gonna wean himself off, which has a success rate of close to zero.

• 17:05Dr. John Delony?

  And now he's quit weaning himself off, and he's just back to where, he just needed to placate you for a couple of days, and then it was gonna go back to the way it was. I can do what I want, you do what you want, and we'll just move on.

• 17:16Dr. John Delony?

  So you get to decide, am I gonna hold the line here? Or am I going to just accept what this marriage is?

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  But hope requires evidence. Otherwise, it's a wish.

• 17:31Dr. John Delony?

  Does tomorrow have a chance to be different and better than today? Thanks for the call. I wish I had better news or outcome for you. You've got a tough road ahead of you, sister. Thanks for calling. We come back, a woman asks if her marriage will thrive when she's a funeral director and her fiance is a police officer. We'll be right back.

• 17:54Dr. John Delony?

  This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states, visiting several states more than once. I made a 40-hour round trip drive across the country and I've been camping and staying in different places all around my home state of Tennessee. The two constants in all of this madness is, number one, I love traveling across the country and meeting new people. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is when I get home and I snuggle into my own bed. And that great, amazing sleep starts with my amazing, beloved mattress, my Helix Midnight Luxe mattress from Helix Sleep.

• 18:36Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:19Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:37Dr. John Delony?

  As you know, I'm a big believer in therapy done well. It can be a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges, and practice new ways of relating to other people and living life in the presence of a trained, licensed professional. But sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50-minute session, once a week or once every two weeks. Sometimes pausing the grind of everyday life and digging into a multi-day intensive experience with your spouse, or your kids, or even by yourself can transform everything in your home, in your marriage, and in your life. And this is why I want to tell you about Capstone Wellness and their Vine and Root program. Vine and Root is a deeper level of care. It's a three-to-five-day

• 20:20Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  capstonewellness.com/deloney.

• 21:08Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Orlando, Florida. Let's talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up?

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John. I'm doing good. I'm excited to be talking to you today.

• 21:18Dr. John Delony?

  I'm excited to talk to you. What's up?

• 21:21Speaker 02

  So my question is, what advice would you have for a lasting marriage between a funeral director and a cop?

• 21:28Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man. Y'all are gonna be, without a doubt, the coolest couple to have at dinner parties.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  I know it. I look forward to those.

• 21:42Dr. John Delony?

  You will, y'all two will be able to melt dinner parties, which will be incredible.

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Not a lot of people want to hear our stories, but...

• 21:50Dr. John Delony?

  They don't, but they kind of also do. You know what I mean? There's a reason murder podcasts dominate the medium, because people are like, "Oh, my gosh, that's awful. I want to listen to all of it."

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:01Dr. John Delony?

  Um, let me... Are you and your husband, y'all, fiance, are y'all married yet?

• 22:09Speaker 02

  No, um, no. We've been together for about 10 months. And not to get really gushy with it, but this is the best relationship that I've ever been in.

• 22:18Dr. John Delony?

  Gross! Gross! He's pretty awesome.

• 22:22Speaker 02

  He's amazing. Very kind and attentive. Just overall, great guy.

• 22:30Dr. John Delony?

  Dude. So you're like thinking, there's a future here?

• 22:35Speaker 02

  Absolutely. And when he sat me down and said he wanted to be a cop to better support our future family, I was like, oh.

• 22:48Dr. John Delony?

  For all you gentlemen listening, that's a good line right there. That's a good line.

• 22:54Dr. John Delony?

  Wow. So yeah, he sounds like a keeper. Um, do y'all, and I ask this not like poking, only, this is inside baseball for first responders and those who work around just the dark arts, as they say. Um, do y'all have like a pretty black hole sense of humor? Are y'all able to laugh together?

• 23:16Speaker 02

  Yes, very much so.

• 23:18Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about it.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  So he actually...

• 23:21Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead, go ahead. I interrupted you. Go ahead.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Well, he actually worked with me at the funeral home. That's where I met him. So we've been around the same sort of stuff together and we really cut up about just very inappropriate things together.

• 23:38Dr. John Delony?

  And I say this not in jest, but it's gonna sound ridiculous. Y'all two need to have a special relationship that if other people heard y'all talk, they would probably try to have y'all institutionalized, right?

• 23:51Speaker 02

  Love that.

• 23:52Dr. John Delony?

  There's gotta be a place where y'all release steam together because coming back together after these two difficult jobs will just be, it will be, your relationship will have a layer of stress to it that others don't.

• 24:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so having a sense of a... And the reason that like a dark sense of humor is important is, obviously, it's, humor is just good for really dark situations anyway, if you can, if you can get there. But also, it gives y'all what I would call a secret, shared language inside y'all's secret world.

• 24:30Speaker 02

  Right.

• 24:31Dr. John Delony?

  Nobody else gets this part of our lives but us. Right? And also, I'm gonna talk out of both sides of my mouth, y'all are gonna have to make a commitment to have friends who are not cops, friends who are not in the dark arts, and I keep calling it dark arts, that's an inside joke, like in the funeral industry. And you're gonna have to have friends who are schoolteachers and accountants so that you, otherwise, your world will shrink really fast. And that's a way that the bell curve of your life will shift. It can make you very insulated into, there is light, there is joy, there is laughter, there is warmth, there's fun out there. But if the world y'all inhabit becomes one negative story after another negative story, it's really quick for your

• 25:16Dr. John Delony?

  default setting to shift pretty dramatically.

• 25:19Speaker 02

  Right. That's really what I'm afraid of. And, you know, I've been struggling a lot with my own anxieties around his career move, because I know we both have our own sights that we see. But I, you know, just, just knowing, you know, what, what he would go through on a daily basis. And it just, it just makes me nervous. You know, not that to mention, too, you know, the unsolicited advice received from family, friends, and even my social media algorithms kind of starts that whole spiral for me.

• 25:55Dr. John Delony?

  Like what? Like what? Tell me some advice you get. I can't wait for this. This ought to be great.

• 26:01Speaker 02

  Well, the social media algorithms come up, 10 reasons why you don't want to marry a first responder, you know, all those things, family telling us, you know, why doesn't, why not become an electrician or a plumber? Why, why this career path, you know? It's not good for marriages. They, they often end in divorce, you know, things like that.

• 26:27Dr. John Delony?

  Just delete social media.

• 26:30Dr. John Delony?

  You can't delete your family. You just gotta put up with those kind of nonsensical things. But here's the, the truth is, yeah, it's a hard job. The truth is, there's a lot of infidelity. There's a lot of infidelity, a lot of jobs. The truth is also that two people who decide to make a go of ride or die till death do us part, we're gonna be married and we're gonna do this thing, can have an extraordinary life, regardless of what you do for a living. It's going into it wide-eyed, right? And so, like, your concern, I'll tell you in my house, my dad was a policeman for most of my childhood. And one request my mom made when I was heading off to college was, please don't go into law enforcement. And I was like, why? Because I just saw it as such an amazing

• 27:13Dr. John Delony?

  service. My dad was always putting himself out there for folks. He was on the SWAT team, all this stuff. And she said, because every day he goes to work, I hold my breath till he gets home.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 27:23Dr. John Delony?

  And that was, I remember going, oh, I didn't even know that happened. I didn't know she did that. Right? Now, if I'd gone into law enforcement, she would have been my biggest supporter in the world, right? But that was, that was just her whispering to her son about to head off into the world. So your concern, your nervousness, that's real. And so own that. And then you can do one of two things. You can try to go around that angst. You can run around it. And then you can meet an accountant, and you can be anxious about whether AI is gonna take his job. And then you can break up with him, and you can meet a lawn care guy who owns a big lawn care company, and you can be worried about rainfall. Like, you can choose to do that, or you can feel that angst and run

• 28:05Dr. John Delony?

  right through it and say, okay, I'm nervous. So here's what I would, here's what I want.

• 28:12Dr. John Delony?

  Here's what would make me feel loved. If, when you get done with a scary call, you text me one emoji, then y'all pick one. A key emoji. A googly-eyed emoji. And that's just you telling me you're safe.

• 28:30Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:30Dr. John Delony?

  If, um, there's a, it's part of the Deloney family lore, but my dad had like a high-speed chase, and it ended with a huge wreck, like a big wreck. And my dad's got all his front teeth knocked out, broke his nose, the whole thing. But

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Oh, my gosh.

• 28:47Dr. John Delony?

  He ran to, if you hear him tell the story, your husband probably will not be in that situation. There was a lot of factors there. But, um, one of the greatest gifts that my mom still talks about to this day, and she's in her 70s, was my dad went and found a payphone, and he called her first. So that two police officers didn't show up at her front door, and she have a heart attack. And he said, hey, two cops are about to come to the door. I'm okay. I'm completely fine. I don't look as handsome as I did a few minutes ago, but I'm good. And I'll be home after a while. And so when they came, she already knew they were coming, right? So there's things like that, that you can speak out loud, here's what I'm anxious about. And I'm gonna put this out there. And here's a way you can make me feel loved. If something ever happens, I want someone to call me. And

• 29:32Dr. John Delony?

  I want to hear about it from you first, if possible. And if not, I want one of your partners to call me, even in violation of protocol. I want you to call me. And by the way, I've, I have made a call to a parent when the protocol, when the sergeant said, you can't call that family, I have to run it through this person, who's gotta run it through this agency. And I said, you tell your supervisor to call me. I'm calling that dad. Because I know that dad. And I did. And it worked out. It was all fine. Right? So, uh, and I wasn't in their chain of command anyway. But all it's say is, be honest about, here's the parts of this job that make me nervous. And then, by the way, the truth is, he's probably got things he's nervous about, your job. Right? And so putting those things on the table, and then coming up with a plan together, what's the best way we can love

• 30:16Dr. John Delony?

  each other through this hard job?

• 30:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:23Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 30:24Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 30:28Dr. John Delony?

  I think being a police officer nowadays is one of the most noble things a person can do.

• 30:34Dr. John Delony?

  It's a hard, scary job, and it's even scarier when people, everyone wants you around, but everyone wants to yell and scream that they don't like you.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:42Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 30:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:45Dr. John Delony?

  And so it might be you just turning the media off, the noise off.

• 30:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, probably no more police body cam videos for me.

• 30:53Dr. John Delony?

  Probably wouldn't watch those at all, right?

• 30:57Speaker 02

  No.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  Because the other thing about police body cam videos is they don't show the other 97% of police body cam videos, which are pretty innocuous back and forth when people leave.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:06Dr. John Delony?

  The ones that make the social media accounts are the ones where something goes bananas. Right? And so we're not gonna, that's what I'm talking about shifting the bell curve. If, if that's all you consume, that's all you talk about, and all you talk about, talk to is other morticians and other, um, police officers and other first responders, then that just becomes y'all's world. And it's a real easy to believe everybody's out to get everybody all the time. It's all dark, it's all bad. And it just slowly turns the light out on your life. And so y'all have to be intentional about, hey, we got dark jobs. Right? Um, we got dark jobs. Neither of us have a job if everything works out for everybody, right?

• 31:46Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 31:47Dr. John Delony?

  And so, since our jobs are showing up in people's most difficult, most awful moments, then we have a responsibility to make sure we're injecting our life intentionally with as much light as possible.

• 32:04Dr. John Delony?

  We're gonna have breakfast together as often as possible. We're going to, um, I just found out my buddy Grant roast coffee with his wife. And they, like, they do it together. And we're gonna do that. We're gonna brew beer together. We're going to go to concerts together when we can. And if he shows up in uniform, he can get in for free. It'd be awesome. Right? So, but we're going to consciously be injecting life. We're gonna swear off murder podcasts. We're gonna not watch whatever Law and Order, San Francisco, Miami, Division slash Nevada, like, whatever season's up. Like, we're gonna watch The Office on rerun forever. Right? So we're gonna be intentional about those things. And, can I tell you one more thing?

• 32:46Speaker 02

  Absolutely.

• 32:47Dr. John Delony?

  If in your guts, you know, not, I think, I don't know, I know I cannot be married to somebody who is in that line of work. Have the courage to tell them now.

• 33:02Speaker 02

  Right. I don't think that that's the case.

• 33:04Dr. John Delony?

  I don't either, but I just want to put that out there.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 33:09Dr. John Delony?

  But also, I don't want you to already 10 months in with a pretty amazing guy. Um, I don't want you 10 months in already beginning to silence yourself.

• 33:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:21Dr. John Delony?

  Because when you have your first kid, and your second kid, and your third kid, and your ninth kid, I don't know, don't have, I mean, nine kids is a lot. Um, have four or five, but nine's a lot. Um, but like, the silencing that will go on in the middle of your chest will just grow and grow and grow. And so let's don't start out our relationship not saying what we want, not saying what scares us. Let's begin to practice as a couple. We, dude, we can put anything on the table. No pun intended. That was a good joke. That was a good joke. That was my only mortician joke of the day.

• 33:54Dr. John Delony?

  I think your marriage can be, I think your marriage can be amazing. Um, if y'all are super intentional about it.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  Right. Yeah. Thank you.

• 34:05Dr. John Delony?

  No, I'm

• 34:06Speaker 02

  Thank you for that.

• 34:06Dr. John Delony?

  I'm super excited. If you would, do me the favor, a favor. And when this guy does propose, if you'll send us a, like, an engagement photo, that'd be awesome.

• 34:19Speaker 02

  I'm ready for it.

• 34:21Dr. John Delony?

  But if he does it in some, like, creepy, weird, mortician way, oh, dude, tell him to not do that. It has to have flowers and sunlight and stuff like that, like, nice stuff. Actually, I don't care. Do whatever you want to. That'd be, that'd be amazing. That would be amazing. But no, I think, um, every marriage and every profession's gonna have different types of challenges to it. It's not about avoiding and being anxious about those challenges. It's going right through the middle of them together and saying, okay, this is our reality. Since this is our reality, what must also be true, for us to have a whole, good and well life. Thank you so much for the call.

• 34:57Dr. John Delony?

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• 35:39Dr. John Delony?

  from thousands of sites, and they keep monitoring so my personal information isn't floating around out there everywhere for scammers to continue to grab. Listen, AI is changing the game. Delete Me, make sure you're not an easy target. Click the link in the description or go to joindelete.me/deloney to get 20% off an annual plan. That's J-O-I-N. Join delete.me/deloney.

• 36:06Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Providence, Rhode Island. Let's talk to Ellen. Hey, Ellen, what's up?

• 36:11Speaker 03

  Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call.

• 36:14Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. Thanks for calling.

• 36:17Speaker 03

  So my 16-year-old daughter has decided to go no contact with her father, who is an alcoholic. And it's been two years. So the event, let's call it, happened two years ago when she was 14. He was coaching her softball team. She was in middle school. And they took a trip to a game, and he was completely wasted during the travel to the

• 36:57Speaker 03

  game, made a fool of himself, embarrassed her. She was mortified. These are 12 to 14-year-old girls that were texting their parents, taking videos, I mean, the whole bit, as you can imagine. And so she was just traumatized from that whole experience and decided to completely block her from her life and does not want to talk to him, no contact. And I'm in the middle of, you know, trying to mediate because

• 37:41Dr. John Delony?

  Why? Why? Why? Why?

• 37:46Speaker 03

  He feels that I am not being a good mother by not talking, not talking, not talking her into forgiving him.

• 38:00Dr. John Delony?

  Let me reframe, let me completely reframe this. My concerns with you, and it sounds like I'm coming at you, okay? And I get, I'm gonna tell you my bias, my bias, I'm hyper protective of children, okay? And I'll just leave it at that, okay? So I want you to know I'm with you on this, okay?

• 38:19Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 38:20Dr. John Delony?

  But I'm also, we don't, we only, we don't have a couple hours that's been together, so I'm gonna be pretty direct. A 12-year-old shouldn't be put in the situation of having to make that decision. What that 12-year-old needs is a fierce mother or father stepping in and saying, "That will never happen again."

• 38:41Speaker 03

  She was 14 at the time.

• 38:43Dr. John Delony?

  14. So what, what I would, if I could rewind the clock, when that 14-year-old came through your front door, I'm assuming you and dad aren't married anymore?

• 38:52Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 38:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. When that 14-year-old crashes through your house, into your, into your front door, bawling her eyes out, telling you about all that that happened, that's when you grab both sides of her face and you say, "You never have to see that man again."

• 39:08Dr. John Delony?

  Not, "Well, you got a big decision to make, 14-year-old," right? That is way too much pressure for a 14-year-old. Way too much. And then we call the attorney, and I don't know what your custody agreement is, but we make sure there's at least a year of, he's not gonna be around her. He put her in incredible, incredibly unsafe situations.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 39:37Dr. John Delony?

  But that 14-year-old has to know, both objectively and subjectively, like in her soul and watching you go to work, "You don't have a decision to make here, because you're 14. I'm the adult. I'm making this call."

• 39:56Dr. John Delony?

  And so you're being gaslit every which way to Sunday, making you somehow begin to wonder if you're a person of character and integrity, because you're not trying to force your 16-year-old to be around an incredibly unsafe man.

• 40:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 40:13Dr. John Delony?

  That's bananas. That's bananas.

• 40:16Speaker 03

  Right. I 100% agree with that. And, you know, I've taken and abused myself from him, you know, during his, the time that we were together, you know, and now he claims he's sober. But, you know, texts still come through with like, "Maybe you should check what type of human being you're raising there," you know.

• 40:49Dr. John Delony?

  Does he have, does he have any custody with her?

• 40:52Speaker 03

  No.

• 40:52Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Block him.

• 40:56Dr. John Delony?

  Stop taking his calls. Because you're, you're, you're like somebody in recovery, but you keep a secret stash of bourbon under your sink.

• 41:06Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:06Dr. John Delony?

  And every night you go in and take a little sip. Stop reading those messages. If he says he's sober, and he wants to be re-engaged with his daughter, he can go get an attorney and prove to the courts that he's changed his life. And the courts can petition you and your attorney for a further conversation.

• 41:30Speaker 03

  Right.

• 41:31Dr. John Delony?

  But you gotta block him. And you have to look at your daughter and say, "Hey, I let you down. It's my job to protect you, and I made it your choice." You don't get that choice. When you're 18, you can do what you want to. But from now on, I'm proud of you for taking the stand that I should have taken for you. And it's you and me, ride or die. And we're gonna be heartbroken, because every single daughter on the planet deserves to have a dad who adores them more than life itself. And she doesn't have that.

• 41:57Speaker 03

  No. I mean, he claims he does. But, you know, I don't know that he does enough to show her. And, you know, he wrote her a letter saying that he, he was sorry for, you know, for making the wrong decision, making, making a bad decision at that time, but that now he, you know, it's time for her to forgive him and move on. And, you know, and I am in complete disagreement with the whole thing. I, you know, I don't think

• 42:41Speaker 03

  that, you know, you can just tell your daughter to just forget what she lived through, you know, the embarrassment in front of her friends and, you know.

• 42:52Dr. John Delony?

  Here's the thing, that wasn't a one-time thing.

• 42:56Speaker 03

  Right.

• 42:57Dr. John Delony?

  That was the, that was the whipped cream on top of the whole banana split. This has been going on for her whole life, right?

• 43:03Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 43:04Dr. John Delony?

  Yes. And she's watched her mom get abused. She watched her mom get demeaned and disrespected for all those years.

• 43:10Speaker 03

  Correct.

• 43:11Dr. John Delony?

  And whether she remembers it, like, if she has, like, real lived experience memories, or the stuff's just encoded in her nervous system, she's lived it.

• 43:21Speaker 03

  Right. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

• 43:24Dr. John Delony?

  So I'm gonna ask you, please, on behalf of your daughter, behalf of yourself, on behalf of your daughter, pour all the bourbon under the sink out. Block him, cut him off, be done with it.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:38Dr. John Delony?

  And then have a talk with her. When you're 18, you get to make some grown-up decisions.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  Right. And that's only a couple of years away.

• 43:48Dr. John Delony?

  That's right.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:51Dr. John Delony?

  But what that girl needs more than anything is a mom that says, "You and I are worth more than this." And if you've listened to the show for two seconds, you know I'm a, I'm always overly so about redemption. I wish the best for this guy. I hope he goes and gets his life turned around and whatever. But I can tell you, if he was completely, like, a changed man, enough to where he could enter into my daughter's life again, there would be way more humility.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:24Dr. John Delony?

  Way more understanding.

• 44:29Speaker 03

  Yes, he feels entitled.

• 44:32Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 44:32Speaker 03

  He feels that because he is her dad, she needs to speak to him because he pays, you know, child support.

• 44:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, because the court frickin' made him.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Right.

• 44:45Dr. John Delony?

  Not because he's some saint.

• 44:47Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 44:48Dr. John Delony?

  The government had to step in and make him be a, partially a dad.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 44:55Dr. John Delony?

  So, yeah, that's just bull crap on a stick. Like, man, dude, I haven't gotten fired up in a while. Ellen, you've got to take the reins here. And by the way, this is going to sound even crazier. I think she should forgive him. And here's the deal. Forgiveness is for her.

• 45:17Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:18Dr. John Delony?

  That she's not going to carry around the burden

• 45:23Dr. John Delony?

  of an abusive alcoholic father.

• 45:25Speaker 03

  Uh huh, uh huh. And that's exactly what I told him.

• 45:29Dr. John Delony?

  But that doesn't mean that forgiveness doesn't mean full access.

• 45:35Speaker 03

  Right.

• 45:35Dr. John Delony?

  Forgiveness doesn't mean just waltz back in. Forgiveness is me looking at somebody who hurt me and saying, I'm not carrying your injustice around anymore. I'm not carrying your pain anymore. I refuse from this day forward to continue to be your victim. You victimized me once, or for a long time, that ends now. I'm setting this brick down. That's forgiveness.

• 45:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:57Dr. John Delony?

  That doesn't mean now I'm going to sign up and you get to do it again.

• 46:02Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:04Speaker 03

  Oh, yes, and there was that too, right?

• 46:07Dr. John Delony?

  Right, and so, listen, you have to give her a record so that when she turns 17 and you start talking to her about, hey, in six months, in nine months, you're going to have some big choices to make. You be able to slide your phone, or that you slid your phone when she was 16 and you said, I've blocked him, so he can't continue to poison our family.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 46:28Dr. John Delony?

  And you can look at your daughter, she's 16 now, she's old enough to get this, and you can say, I miss him. I miss what I thought we had. But I don't miss the abuse and I don't miss the heartache.

• 46:41Speaker 03

  Right.

• 46:42Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 46:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, yes.

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  And you can say, it grieves me because my dream was to have a unified family and he took that away from us.

• 46:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, and you're right. And you kind of can tell in between the lines here that I left because of this situation. You know, I left him many years ago because I just couldn't live with

• 47:08Speaker 03

  with the lies and, you know, everything that came with the alcoholism. So, I left and she was very, I could tell that she was proud of me for doing that.

• 47:20Dr. John Delony?

  Were you proud of you?

• 47:23Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 47:23Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 47:24Speaker 03

  Absolutely, 100%.

• 47:25Dr. John Delony?

  Then hold your head up high.

• 47:27Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 47:30Dr. John Delony?

  And stop letting him back in your house.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  He does not come here.

• 47:36Dr. John Delony?

  He sure as crap does. He comes in there on your phone line.

• 47:40Speaker 03

  Oh, well, yes.

• 47:41Dr. John Delony?

  Comes in there on your text messages. He comes in there through your mailbox.

• 47:47Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 47:49Speaker 03

  Right.

• 47:49Dr. John Delony?

  A 14-year-old, she's already got enough guilt in her system about what she should or shouldn't be doing.

• 47:57Dr. John Delony?

  She's already got 14 years of asking herself, what was so bad about me that he had to do that?

• 48:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:04Dr. John Delony?

  She doesn't also need the burden of, oh, and it's also your job to make this old man feel better about himself.

• 48:10Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 48:11Dr. John Delony?

  That's not her job.

• 48:13Speaker 03

  No, you're right, absolutely.

• 48:15Dr. John Delony?

  She's a child.

• 48:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, no, you're 100%. I agree with what you're saying.

• 48:27Dr. John Delony?

  So, in the same way you had the courage to stand up and protect yourself, I want you to do the same thing on her behalf now.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 48:37Dr. John Delony?

  And that means, in some sense, you're going to take away some decisions. You're going to risk her being furious at you when she turns 19 and get some sob story from her dad that he was this amazing changed man and mom kept her away. And risk, take that risk.

• 48:55Dr. John Delony?

  Because right now, she needs a mom that says, I'm not giving you the option.

• 49:01Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 49:02Dr. John Delony?

  He's a man who hurts you and hurt you for years and then blames you for not waltzing back into the fold.

• 49:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Thank you. That really cleared my mind.

• 49:21Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 49:23Dr. John Delony?

  So, just, parent to parent here, okay? This is me, just you and I talking, like we're as equal as they could be.

• 49:34Dr. John Delony?

  Stand up for your daughter, okay?

• 49:36Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 49:37Dr. John Delony?

  And I know she's 16 and she's reaching for more and more autonomy. I got a 16-year-old too, I totally get it, man.

• 49:45Dr. John Delony?

  And it's hard for us, but it's our job to navigate that tricky balance of autonomy and also, this is unsafe.

• 49:55Speaker 03

  Right.

• 49:55Dr. John Delony?

  And for me, I'm fortunate. What's unsafe for my son is driving too fast or driving too late at night. What's unsafe for your daughter is her dad.

• 50:05Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 50:06Dr. John Delony?

  And that shouldn't be that way.

• 50:08Speaker 03

  And I, sometimes I just wish that I had made the decision sooner.

• 50:16Dr. John Delony?

  Let's spend zero time and energy on that thought. Because you can't change it.

• 50:21Speaker 03

  I can't, yeah.

• 50:22Dr. John Delony?

  Let's max, because all that does is take away from the time you have left with her.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 50:28Dr. John Delony?

  Let's pour every ounce of energy into, we got two years left before she's off out in the world, or maybe she'll stay with you for five more, who knows? But let's pretend it's 18.

• 50:40Dr. John Delony?

  We got two years to just make sure there's no tread left on the tires of our relationship. We're going to have fun, we're going to laugh, we're going to do silly things, we're going to have breakfast together, we're going to have dinner together. And that means I'm going to have to say no to some things that she wants to do because I know that her having a rooted relationship with at least one of her parents is going to pay lifelong dividends for her.

• 51:00Speaker 03

  Yes, absolutely.

• 51:02Dr. John Delony?

  Right, game on?

• 51:03Speaker 03

  Yes, game on.

• 51:05Dr. John Delony?

  All right, it's been an honor to talk to you, Ellen. Thank you so much for calling. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back.

• 51:12Dr. John Delony?

  When I'm cooking at home, chopping up vegetables, trimming a venison or T-bone steak, or when I'm feeling a little bit extra dramatic and cutting up a nice fruit tray, I want to know the knives I'm using will actually do what they're supposed to do. Cut well. This is why I bought my wife the Culinary Kitchen knives from Montana Knife Company, and it's why I use them as much as she does. Montana Knife Company knives are razor sharp, right out of the box. They're balanced and they do what they're supposed to do over and over again. Their knives perfected. Montana Knife Company makes their knives right here in the United States and years of experience go into every blade. They come with a free lifetime sharpening guarantee, which I've used, I've sent them off and got all my knives right back, razor sharp again.

• 51:57Dr. John Delony?

  And these knives will still be sharp when my great-grandkids are cooking with them. Head to mkc.com to see what's available right now. And one thing you should know, Montana Knife Company knives sell out fast. Sign up for email and text alerts so you can be among the first to know of new releases. That's mkc.com.

• 52:17Dr. John Delony?

  All right, so I got to set the stage for everybody listening. Right now, Peyton is here and she is producing the show, but Kelly is sitting right behind her, just straight judging her, like she does me. She's right out from behind the camera, so you can't see her, but she's right there. I see her. Can you, because people are going to think I'm making it up. Oh, she is hiding right in the camera. So, Peyton, be careful. At least I have this double pane glass between me and Kelly.

• 52:44Speaker 04

  Always. I mean, it's a great time, we're having a great time.

• 52:47Dr. John Delony?

  Right, just keep saying it over and over and over. All right, so what's up? We got something cool happened?

• 52:52Speaker 04

  We do. We have Elizabeth from Saginaw, Michigan, and she wrote in, not a question, just something cool. I moved several states to marry my now-husband one year ago, and along with all of the regular first year of marriage struggles, adjusting to a new place was very difficult for me. I was lonely but found it difficult to be motivated to put down roots, partially due to the fact that we found out that we were going to move again this year. Thankfully, I started to listen to the show a few months before the move, and because of John's advice to many listeners to take ownership of their lives and choices, I decided this move was going to be different. Instead of passively shutting down and retreating from the challenge, I have already joined a church group, gotten a gym membership, and embraced go first and be weird.

• 53:36Dr. John Delony?

  Yes!

• 53:37Speaker 04

  By asking someone from church out for coffee. In the past, I have really struggled with confidence in myself, but listening to John has helped me to both identify the problem and given me practical skills to help myself. Thank you so much.

• 53:50Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome. Go first and be weird, I love it. What was her name?

• 53:53Speaker 04

  Elizabeth.

• 53:54Dr. John Delony?

  Elizabeth. Elizabeth, you're a hero. You're a modern-day hero. I'm proud of you. Good, good call. And when y'all move again, be sad and then gin it back up and let's get rocking and rolling. That's awesome. And I also have to say this, Peyton, you have the most soothing voice ever. It's like an audible Xanax. It just kind of brings the room down. Kelly's voice is like an audible, what is it? Methamphetamine. It just makes the whole room just more excited. It's not a bad thing, meth is, according to you, meth is great. So, there's that. But well done, Peyton.

• 54:34Speaker 04

  Thanks so much, I appreciate it.

• 54:36Dr. John Delony?

  All right, hey, thanks for being with us. We'll see you next show. Love you guys, bye.