Caller: “Confront My Husband About His Secret?”

📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony’s free Weekly Marriage Check-In. On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife wondering if she should confront her husband about his porn use A mom grappling with the aftermath of a potential pedophile stealing pictures of her daughter A woman whose marriage is on the backburner after her husband’s diagnosis Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 50% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Speaker 00

  How do I tell my husband that I know he's watching porn? Um, we've been together for a total of eight years. I broke up with him like five years into the relationship and he thought it was because I had found out he was watching porn at that time. I had no idea he was watching it at the time.

• 0:21Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about the conversations y'all have had.

• 0:29Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you've got going on in your life. Love to have you on the show. Real people with real challenges. Click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. And if you have an iPhone, go over to the App Store and download the Together app. It's incredible. It will transform your marriage and you can bring your spouse. I kept it as low as I could possibly keep it, uh, in terms of costs, because I know everybody's struggling financially right now and you can bring your spouse for free or you can do it one player mode. It's the best marriage app on the market and it will transform your marriage one action step at a time.

• 1:12Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go to Milwaukee, Wisconsin and talk to Lauren. Hey Lauren, what's up?

• 1:18Speaker 00

  Hi, Dr. John.

• 1:19Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 1:21Speaker 00

  I'm pretty good. It's a blessing to be talking to you right now.

• 1:24Dr. John Delony?

  It's a blessing to be talking to you.

• 1:27Speaker 00

  I'll jump right into it. Um, how do I tell my husband that I know he's watching porn?

• 1:32Dr. John Delony?

  Uh-oh.

• 1:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. And, um, just, just a quick thing. I don't know. I feel like we've had the conversation before, you know, it's, it's just kind of that gray area. I'm not super okay with it, but I don't think he knows that I know right now that he's been continuing to watch porn and it just makes me super uncomfortable.

• 1:54Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Well, tell me about the conversations y'all have had.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  The, it's, um, we've been, okay, I'll give you a quick rehash. We've been married for two years. We have a one-year-old, so like we got married, bam, found out we were pregnant, blah, blah, blah, blah.

• 2:11Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  Rewind a little bit. Um, we've been together for a total of eight years. I broke up with him like five years into the relationship and he thought it was because I had found out he was watching porn at that time. And it was actually for other reasons. I had no idea he was watching it at the time. I was like, well, now that I know about it, you know, it makes me uncomfortable too on top of that. So I knew previously that he had watched it. I didn't realize he was still watching it until, you know, I found out a little bit ago.

• 2:41Dr. John Delony?

  So when you found out after you broke up with him, were you like, yeah, I'm gonna extra break up with you? Or did it give you context of, oh, he was becoming a guy I didn't like or didn't want to be around or whatever? And that made sense?

• 2:55Speaker 00

  It just gave me the, the extra, yeah, like I made the right call type thing.

• 3:00Dr. John Delony?

  So what brought you back together?

• 3:03Speaker 00

  Um, he, uh, I did some growing. He did some growing. He moved out to Montana for a couple of months and did some things out on a ranch. He seemed like he was kind of changing, you know, get, getting back with, defining his face, kind of getting back on track, uh, fixing a couple of past relationships. And it seemed like he was improving. I felt better. He had reached out to me, you know, wanting to reconnect. We reconnected and it seemed, you know, it seemed pretty good. And I think things have just kind of slowly been falling a little bit to the wayside. I mean, it's not back where it was. Obviously we got married, you know, and had a kid, so things are way, way different now.

• 3:44Speaker 00

  But there, there's just things, and I think he fell back into the porn when he was in like a lull in his job, like just in a bad position in his job.

• 3:54Dr. John Delony?

  Mm-hmm.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  I don't know. I just, I felt that it was off. You know, something was off and I was like, there's gotta be something else here. And then that's when I found out he was, you know, using porn and fast forward a little bit, he's got a better job, you know, he's feeling good, seems to be feeling fairly decent about life. So I'm, I mean, I don't know if he, I would assume he's still watching because it's just kind of an addiction.

• 4:20Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. I, before we get into that, tell me, in as, as honest and raw a way as you feel comfortable, what does, I was gonna say, what does pornography mean to you? But when you find this out, tell me about what happens like internally in your guts?

• 4:42Dr. John Delony?

  Like, are you grossed out by it? Are you pissed off?

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Yeah. It, it kind of like grosses me out. It makes me feel like less wanted.

• 4:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Tell me, tell me about that.

• 4:53Speaker 00

  Turn to that.

• 4:55Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about feeling less wanted.

• 4:58Speaker 00

  Because, I mean, during, when I was postpartum, you know, we couldn't really be physically, you know, we couldn't have sex type thing. And then all of a sudden, I'm, I'm not postpartum, I'm cleared and his drive has always been higher than mine. And it just, he just doesn't seem as interested as he used to be. And so it's kind of like, well, what, why, why don't you want to be intimate with me? Like, I want more connection, but there's, there's this other, there's a white elephant in the room type situation.

• 5:31Dr. John Delony?

  So tell me about the conversations y'all have had. Now that you're feeling better, you've, you feel like you've like re-arrived in, in this new world you're in, um, tell me what the conversations about reigniting sex have, how have they've gone? Are you, you feel like you're pursuing him and he's shutting you down? Or do y'all just not talk about it? Or you're just kind of waiting on him?

• 5:55Speaker 00

  We just don't talk about it.

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  Go ahead. I, I missed, I missed that.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  I'm sorry. We just don't talk about it.

• 6:01Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So.

• 6:03Speaker 00

  And he's always kind of initiated. I'm more of the like, you gotta get me going type thing, but he's always on. So then.

• 6:11Dr. John Delony?

  Uh-huh.

• 6:12Speaker 00

  It just doesn't, I'm not great at initiating.

• 6:16Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So what I want to be careful of is you found out in some way, right? Whether he didn't clear his search history or you went on a, on a Sherlock Holmes investigation, but you found that he has fallen back into old habits. And my guess is the, the quote unquote, old habits are not just pornography. There's probably a way he's entering into the world, right?

• 6:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:45Dr. John Delony?

  Like just a, either he's lower than he is or he's more distant than he is. And you found this out. And what I want you to be careful of is you don't know if he's still using and you're, then you start crafting stories that he's probably addicted and this was probably still going on because this other thing has emerged, which is he used to, he used to want to have sex all the time and now, so I'm just sitting here like I'm ready and he's not pursuing me. And then you've got another story, which is I'm just not good at it. I'm not good at, at starting things up. And so, and you get what I'm saying? Like, so y'all have this dynamic and you've created a story that it's all because of this.

• 7:29Dr. John Delony?

  And it may 100% be because of this, but it also may be, I hear from jillions of couples who have their first kid. And there is a strange psychology that happens inside of a mother, inside of a father, inside of a wife, inside of a husband, which is this push-pull between the mother role and the wife role and the, now I'm a dad and now she's a mom. And it just changes the psychology of everybody, right? I've talked to men who are like, the way I used to pursue her when she was my girlfriend and the crazy sex we used to have when we were just newlyweds, when she was just my

• 8:12Dr. John Delony?

  wife, it feels wrong now that she's a mom, right? And so here's what I'm, here's what I'm saying. None of it's wrong, but it, everything changes. And if y'all can't have that conversation, which is how do we want to handle sex? How do we want to handle intimacy? How do we want to handle pursuit? Now that we've brought, we've met a human together and our lives are different. I also hear from men all the time, which is, um, I'm second place in this house now. And they don't have a psychology and I'm not, I'm not giving him a, I'm not giving any men a pass. I've felt this, which is, oh, this new creature, this new kid is the most important thing in her life. I'm second. I'm, I don't want to bother her.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  And so I'm gonna just go into neutral for a while. And that's where that drift happens, right? And so.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:04Dr. John Delony?

  A, like your original question, how do I tell him that I know? I would just, the thing I want you to keep in mind is don't ever let somebody else's actions take your character and dignity away. So be a person of integrity, tell the truth, be honest. And the secondary thing here is like, let him know, I, I found this out a few months ago, I found this out a year ago, I found this out six weeks ago. And then this magical phrase, the stories I'm making up, because you're not pursuing me anymore. The stories I'm making up are you don't want me anymore. Or the stories I'm making up are you're looking at porn all the time and that's taken the place of me.

• 9:49Dr. John Delony?

  And that makes me feel not wanted. It makes me feel less than. And bringing it back to what does sex look like in our home? What does pursuit look like? What does, um, libido look like? What does it look like now that we're, we have different responsibilities and different roles in our own house? And sometimes those roles are competing roles.

• 10:11Dr. John Delony?

  Right. There's, there's an old archetype where the mother, the mother role smothers the wife role. Right. And she's, she's got different roles and the father role sometimes can smother the man role, right. And it just becomes this weird, and that's why I'm such a big fan of just swiping the deck clean and say, hey, we got a brand new marriage now. What do we want it to look like? What do we want it to feel like? What do we want sex to look like? And it may be him saying, I want to pursue you and I don't know how in this new role. And you're going to have to practice thinking, I'm not good at pursuit, but I kind of want

• 10:54Dr. John Delony?

  to, kind of want to rock and roll tonight with him. I'm gonna let him know. I'm gonna send him a text. Or it might be you saying, I'm down anytime, anywhere, but I want you to initiate. And he's gonna have to get over himself and say, okay, I'm uncomfortable initiating in this new season, but I'm gonna go for it. You get what I'm saying?

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Yep. Yep. That makes sense.

• 11:18Dr. John Delony?

  So I threw a lot at you. Tell me about that. Tell me about the, is it gonna be uncomfortable? I've found with couples, when I sit down with them, they actually have these conversations. Not always. Most of the time, it becomes this exciting, fun, new rediscovery of each other again. Not always. Sometimes it's uncomfortable and it's filled with, you know, blame and scorekeeping and all that. But often it is, oh yeah, we can, we can have as much sex as we want. And I feel different about myself now. And you feel different about yourself. What does that look like? So tell me how you think that would go in your home.

• 11:52Speaker 00

  I think it will go well. I think that part of it will go well. I think the part that might not go well is when I, you know, admit that I know, like how I found out that I know.

• 12:05Dr. John Delony?

  How'd you find out?

• 12:06Speaker 00

  That might be rough, but I went, I went Sherlock Holmes mode.

• 12:10Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So tell me about that.

• 12:12Speaker 00

  I could just, I just had a sense that he was off. You know, he'd stay up, laid on the couch, just, I'd go to bed and he'd stay up, you know, hours and hours. And sometimes, you know, he would doom scroll, but I just had a sense that he was not doom scrolling. So he was barely intoxicated the one night and left his phone out. Well, I mean, he leaves his phone out all the time. And I just went snooping and he had not cleared his browser history. And I just found, I found a lot.

• 12:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. This is just me. And this is how my house operates and I get a lot of pushback. My phone is my wife's phone. And her phone is my phone. And so I get, some couples have this, this is mine and it's snooping. I, I just don't look at it that way. And so I, I don't personally have any sort of, you did anything wrong, I guess. And then the way I would hear it is, you were worried about him. You knew something was off and you, I wish you'd asked him. Right?

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:21Dr. John Delony?

  But, and you can tell him, I should have asked you. I should have given you an opportunity to be honest with me. And I didn't. And if, if, if your marriage dynamic is, no, I violated your trust. I went through your stuff. And that's the way y'all's marriage is set up right now. A, I would challenge y'all moving forward to just be open with each other. But lead with that.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 13:43Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Like, I understand you're gonna be upset that I went through your phone, but you were drunk and you passed out on the couch and I picked up your phone and you didn't clear your browser history. And now, now I'm worried about us. And if he wants to gaslight you and make the whole interaction not about your marriage and not about the things that he was doing that violated something that he knew would hurt you. And all, and, and about reconnection and reimagining your marriage together and reimagining your sex life together. If he wants to just focus solely on, you went through my phone, then you know, and I know, and he'll know, your marriage has bigger issues there.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  Right.

• 14:27Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 14:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, that makes sense.

• 14:33Dr. John Delony?

  I, I just, I don't, I don't, I just don't see it as a violation. I don't, I don't see discovering acts of, whatever, I can talk about all day, but, but again, you and him might, y'all might have that arrangement in your marriage and so be it. But I, I would just lead with it and go. But don't cash in your integrity. Right? If you think you did something wrong, be honest about it. If you found something that hurt you, be honest about it. And my only other recommendations would be, don't do this at 10 o'clock at night. Tell them, hey, we need to have a big conversation, a harder conversation. And I hope it leads somewhere really productive. But I want to set aside some time Saturday

• 15:17Dr. John Delony?

  morning. I want to set aside some time at, right after the, our baby goes to bed, like whenever, but I want to have a big conversation. And if you need to write stuff down so that, you know, you don't get flooded and, and you can be clear, then write it down and be clear. But yeah, let's have that conversation sooner rather than later. And my hope is, he drops his shoulders and says, you're right. And I'm sorry. And I miss you. And y'all can begin to figure out, hey, what do we want this thing to look like moving forward? And both of you are gonna have to have seasons of discomfort. Not physical discomfort, not values discomfort, but part of re-engaging, especially after having a first kid, re-engaging a sex life, re-engaging intimacy is, he used to, yeah, but things are different now. And

• 16:02Dr. John Delony?

  she used to, yeah, but things are different now. And I don't really like letting him know that I'm in the mood. It's kind of his job. We gotta get over that. And I don't want to bother her. And she's telling you, no, no, bother me, please. Then he's got to get over that. And so there is gonna be some uncomfortable, like, I don't really, this hasn't been my role in the past. Man, we got a new marriage. So we got new roles and responsibilities in this new marriage. And we're gonna talk about them and discuss them. And then we're gonna head off and build the best marriage ever. It's awesome. So thanks for the call, sister. Let me know how that conversation goes. And if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him, too. Thank you so, so much. We come back, a woman asks how much she should tell her daughter about her photos being stolen online. We'll

• 16:47Dr. John Delony?

  be right back. Here's something I've learned over the years, sitting with young men who are struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, or other destructive behaviors. One 50-minute session a week might not be enough to turn things around and to help facilitate major change. This is where Capstone Wellness can help. To make real progress and practice actually living differently, sometimes young men need a totally new environment. Capstone Treatment Center is a long-term residential program for struggling young men ages 14 to 28. It's a structured environment with trained, licensed clinicians. And healing at Capstone isn't something that just happens in a room. It's woven into every part of

• 17:30Dr. John Delony?

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• 18:14Dr. John Delony?

  the movie. I had to order my tickets online from another app. I had to order food in the theater using yet another app. Every app asks for loads of personal information. My home address, my phone number, my email address, my geolocation, my card number. And this was just to go to the movies with my family. No matter what you and I do, our personal information is everywhere on the internets. This is why I use and recommend Delete Me. We give away our personal data all the time. And many of these apps and businesses turn around and sell our data for profit. There are hundreds of data broker websites collecting, posting, and selling your personal information without your permission.

• 18:55Dr. John Delony?

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• 19:36Dr. John Delony?

  kids, no phones, no distractions, just you two got away and you spent some time reimagining your marriage, realizing y'all are still friends, you still like each other, you like being around each other. Dude, me and my friend Rachel Cruz have created the greatest marriage retreat on the planet. It's called The Money in Marriage Getaway. It's three days in Nashville, practical teachings, tons of life Q and A's. You get to interact directly with me, have your questions answered, directly with Rachel, have your questions answered. Lots of honest, honest conversations. We don't pull any punches at this retreat. And we will laugh our heads off. Lots of special guests, people show up. It's just

• 20:16Dr. John Delony?

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• 21:01Dr. John Delony?

  I'm good. So I will just-

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Ask my question first and then we can get into background if that's okay.

• 21:07Dr. John Delony?

  Sure, go for it.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Okay, so my question is, my 12-year-old daughter's photos were stolen online. And I'm wondering how much she should know about the situation. And then I guess more in general, how do I balance protecting her childhood and innocence while also alerting her to the dangers of the world?

• 21:23Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, so tell me about these photos that were taken.

• 21:27Speaker 02

  Okay, so she is a competitive gymnast. And at some of the competitions that we go to, there's a professional photographer. Those photos are then sent in a private link to the gym. And then the gym owner sends them out to us, parents. So it was a private link and it ended up being another one of the parents from our gym that took them.

• 21:50Dr. John Delony?

  And tell me about what's happened there.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  Um, so he was investigated and he has been arrested. Um, and he is out on conditions currently. And it's been over a year at this point that he's been, um, charged, but not, nothing has resolved itself at this point, which is frustrating in itself.

• 22:10Dr. John Delony?

  Um, that's not frustrating, that's disgusting and maddening. And it pisses me off as the dad of a daughter, as just a citizen, walking the streets of my neighborhood. That pisses me off to no end.

• 22:23Speaker 02

  Uh huh, yeah. It was, I mean, it still is incredibly violating to know that like, it was supposed to be a safe album, walked away for, you know, private use and it ended up being used and

• 22:37Dr. John Delony?

  Just disgusting. So did he upload them to a website or something or some perv website? What happened?

• 22:44Speaker 02

  He had put them into a chat, um, for the intent of distributing CSAM. And a undercover officer was in that chat.

• 22:58Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty, they burned that dude alive. Um, so I don't want to get distracted with him because I'll, I'll get over emotional and then I won't be very much help to you.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Right.

• 23:09Dr. John Delony?

  What about, were these? So I, I've been to gym competitions, I've got a 10-year-old daughter, like I say, like, um, are these photos compromising? Are they just the, those tiny little outfits that they have to wear when they're doing things? And they could, they're, they're just regular photos of young kids doing gymnastics, but they could be used by disgusting people for disgusting purposes? Or is there some actual compromising photos here?

• 23:38Speaker 02

  No, it was just her on, uh, you know, the events that she does. I think one was from beam and one might've been from floor. And, um, because they were at the same gym, they weren't on the same team, but they had taken a picture together, like his daughter and my daughter. And so that was one of the photos that was used as well. So, I mean, he was in our gym for practices, like any other parent would be. So I don't know how, how many other pictures he had slash were used, but the ones that I do know of are just her and Elliot hard.

• 24:05Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Um, so if we back out of this awful situation here, right? And we look at your daughter's situation globally, globally is probably the wrong word to use there, but holistically, um, is, is it going to be strange for her to think that there are photos of her in her outfits out there and about? Like other family photos, do y'all text these back and forth? Do, do grandparents have these photos, things like that?

• 24:35Speaker 02

  Um, so not those ones in particular. So for a couple of years, I just haven't been posting on socials anyway. And so when this was taken, not even from social media, um, they, they had never been shared before. However, she knows something happened because before I knew who, who took them, um, I felt vulnerable, so I stayed at every practice. So that was a change. I don't sign, you know, school waivers anymore to have her pictures on the school website. And I don't sign any sort of waiver where she would be on anyone's social media.

• 25:07Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Um, so she has deducted that something has happened. She just doesn't know what. And what I've told her so far, and I don't know if this is right or not, but I've coined the phrase that there are wolves among us, meaning, you know, you don't know what, they all look like normal people, but there are bad people out there.

• 25:21Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I, that has, i- i- if you're going to lead with that, that has to be contextualized with, and I've got one job and my job is to try to keep you as safe as I can.

• 25:34Speaker 02

  Uh huh.

• 25:34Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So because of my job, I don't sign any release for my kids either.

• 25:40Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so, um, I, I've, I've been like that forever. And to my knowledge, there's been no nefarious use of any of photos of my kids, but I'm super protective as my 16-year-old gets older and gets out there, um, that's just going to happen and that, I'm okay with that. But especially with my 10-year-old, yeah, we don't sign anything anyway. And so I think there's a bigger picture, which is, uh, I mean, a bigger conversation to be had, which is, I know tons of parents put their photos of their kids all over everything. My job is to keep you safe and I want to keep you off the internet as much as possible. And so that's a bigger, and you could tell her, I, eesh.

• 26:23Dr. John Delony?

  No, I mean, it's important that she knows there's, there's, there's, to use your words, wolves out there, but I want it contextualized, which, with, and you're on your own, you know, you get what I'm saying? I want her to know you, hopefully her dad, are involved in, and our job is to keep you safe and so I'm going to come to practices and whatnot. Um, and that's a tough one. If she was 14, I would say to sit down and have the conversation. And if she was 10, I would say it's too early.

• 26:54Speaker 02

  Right. And so, and that's how I felt too. I feel like we're right in the middle where she is understanding a lot more than I probably know, but she's also so young and I want to keep her like that.

• 27:05Dr. John Delony?

  Because here's the truth, um, you don't know that anything nefarious, I, I don't want her to feel gross or disgusting or less than, just by doing the thing that she loves, which is gymnastics. Right? And so it's not a matter of somebody took locker room photos or, I thought, when you started asking the question, I thought she might've already been taking an appropriate picture of herself and sending them out and those got out. And so I think what I want to balance here is, I don't want her to feel, when she walks out on the mat, to think there's creepers out there. There are, right? And those are tiny revealing costumes, if you want to be disgusting about it, but that's the nature of that, of that gig, right?

• 27:49Dr. John Delony?

  Same as when my daughter does cheerleading at the, whatever the elementary school basketball games. I'm confident there's a creep in there somewhere, right? But I don't, I don't want to rob her childhood, but also you're not going to take any photos and put them out there. So I think if we back all the way out, there's nothing out in the world that is anything other than what people would see if they were attending.

• 28:14Speaker 02

  Right, right. There's nothing, yes.

• 28:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so I feel, I, in, in real time here, and I might, if I change my mind on this, and I'll talk to a, an expert in this area, but I think right now, um, I wouldn't.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:31Dr. John Delony?

  But I would have a bigger conversation about, hey, you've been asking me, why am I not signing these things and whatever? Uh, my number one job is to keep you safe and I want to keep, there are bad people out there, bad actors out there, and on the internet, we don't get to see them face to face.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 28:49Dr. John Delony?

  And if you haven't had the conversation about, um, keeping like, if you ever feel uncomfortable, I want you to call me. I'm going to be in every one of these doctor's meetings. If you ever have to go get treatment, I'm going to be in every single room, always, forever. Um, and this is a, this is a particular sphere where there's been tons and tons and tons of abuse, right? And that's not, I, I wouldn't shy away from having that conversation with her and talking about the difference between secrets. You only have secrets with me and your dad, that's it. And the only people who are allowed to see you are your doctor and me, and I'll be there whenever the doctor's there, right?

• 29:34Dr. John Delony?

  So like have some really direct conversations about protecting herself and, because she's, I mean, I've had those conversations, my wife especially has had those conversations for years with my daughter and she's, she's younger than yours. And so just letting her know, right?

• 29:48Speaker 02

  Right, I have had a little bit of those conversations, but I think a more direct, especially in the, the world of gymnastics, um, as far as that goes, I should probably have that.

• 29:57Dr. John Delony?

  Like some body parts are not for touching, um, unless I'm in the room. You know what I mean?

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Right.

• 30:05Dr. John Delony?

  And did you, did you have any of those conversations? Did anybody have those with you when you were a kid?

• 30:12Speaker 02

  No.

• 30:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so it can feel awkward. The goal, and I'll tell you, in, for me and my wife in our house, as we've raised our kids, I don't ever want them to feel like they're body parts or some, there's something wrong with them or that they're gross. I also want to let them know that like, there is a, a specialness to them.

• 30:36Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense? Not to the, not to their body parts, to them as, as people, right?

• 30:40Speaker 02

  Right, to them as humans, yeah.

• 30:41Dr. John Delony?

  And so just engaging in those conversations, using real words, having those, I mean, have you already, y'all, surely y'all have had the period discussion, that one's coming, right?

• 30:49Speaker 02

  Yes, many times. I mean, we are very open and there is an open dialogue as far as like her body's changing and all that, so it should be fine.

• 30:57Dr. John Delony?

  And so a natural part of that conversation is, there's going to be more and more eyeballs looking your way? Right, boys are going to catch your, you're going to catch your attention and unfortunately there's some bad men out there.

• 31:11Dr. John Delony?

  And there's also some really, really amazing men out there too.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  Right. I, yes, I think I, yes, I need to balance that conversation because I think so far I've only focused on like the negative side.

• 31:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but man vigilance is important and I hate that we live in this world but it like that, but it is important. I, I don't think I would because there's nothing nefarious and if I'm being honest, there's nothing gross out in the world. People were taking innocent things and making them gross.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 31:43Dr. John Delony?

  Um, but yeah, I, I would probably hold off and maybe in a few years when she's got some more context and she's a little bit older and wiser and y'all have had time to reinforce, no, we're walking right alongside you. You can loop back and say, yeah, there was some photos that were uploaded to a thing and the guy went, got arrested and all that. Like that, that, that would, that can come later.

• 32:07Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 32:08Dr. John Delony?

  But I would hold off for now on that particular thing.

• 32:11Speaker 02

  Okay, thank you.

• 32:12Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Geez, I, can I just tell you, I hate this happened to you? I hate it.

• 32:17Speaker 02

  It's terrible.

• 32:19Dr. John Delony?

  Is there any, any sign of justice coming your way?

• 32:24Speaker 02

  I, I mean, I have like a victim's advocate that I'm in pretty constant communication with, but they, I mean, the justice system is very slow. Um, she does feel positive that we are heading in the right direction, but who knows when.

• 32:38Dr. John Delony?

  I don't want to head in the right direction. I want to get there real, real fast.

• 32:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I have expressed my frustration, not about her, but just about the situation in general. It's, yeah.

• 32:50Dr. John Delony?

  Ah, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Thank you for being a good mom who's engaged.

• 32:59Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 32:59Dr. John Delony?

  Where's dad in this?

• 33:01Speaker 02

  Uh, dad and I co-parent.

• 33:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So he needs to be a part of this conversation too.

• 33:09Dr. John Delony?

  And the important part here is he's gonna have to get over in a real quick way, his discomfort, his, I don't talk about it. That's, that's for, that's for the women to have that conversation. He needs to constantly, she needs to be rooted in a man's presence that loves her and is protecting her.

• 33:31Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 33:32Dr. John Delony?

  And if she doesn't have that, if he's not a safe guy, if he's not a good man or y'all are co-parenting and he's just kind of absentee or whatever, um, you're gonna have to oversell the other side of it, which is there are good men out there.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, he's, he's a pretty active father and I am remarried and we have a wonderful relationship and fortunately my daughter's able to see that firsthand.

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  Awesome.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  That there are.

• 33:55Dr. John Delony?

  And her stepdad's a pretty awesome guy?

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:58Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. Awesome. So yeah, it's just a big old messy situation, but I wanted to have lived experiences of, and she's got opportunity to have two really amazing men in her life that honor her and love her and aren't scared of her emerging sexuality, but also honor her in a way that she knows I'm safe and I'm protected. So she has a lived experience of good men and that helps balance the conversation for, especially for a 12-year-old. Hey, there's some, there's some bad actors out there and our job is to do our best. And when the time comes, you're probably gonna have some guilt, like, I can't believe those pictures, but

• 34:41Dr. John Delony?

  you're gonna have to let that go. There's just scumbags out there and if you got a private link and somehow this other dude got your private link, I would consider legal action against the photographer and whoever sent that stuff. I mean, I would burn things down in, in an effort to protect my kids. But yeah, as of, for my kids, we don't do any kind of photos or anything like that. The only photos that are out there are the ones that we take. And, um, my wife and I are pretty militant about that. Pretty militant about that. I hate this happened to you, but you're doing a good job. She's lucky to have you. We come back. A woman asks how to prioritize her marriage while her husband

• 35:24Dr. John Delony?

  is battling cancer. Yikes. We'll be right back.

• 35:29Dr. John Delony?

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• 36:14Dr. John Delony?

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• 36:55Dr. John Delony?

  All right. Let's go out to San Jose, California and talk to Grace. Hey, Grace, what's up?

• 37:01Speaker 02

  Hi. Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

• 37:03Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right. How are you doing?

• 37:06Speaker 02

  I'm kind of okay.

• 37:07Dr. John Delony?

  Excellent.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Just a little nervous.

• 37:08Dr. John Delony?

  Nah, I'm glad you're, I'm glad you're here. What's up?

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Uh, so I'll just jump right into it. Uh, my husband's recently diagnosed with cancer

• 37:18Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, man, I'm sorry.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  And I wanna, I wanna do everything I can to support him, but during this time, it just feels like our marriage has been put on the back burner.

• 37:26Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Speaker 02

  And I wanna know what can I do to prioritize our marriage going forward, even with two kids and busy schedule of appointments and my own, my husband's own physical limitations.

• 37:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. So when you say you feel like your marriage has been put on the back burner, tell me about that.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  Um, well, it's like, he's tired, obviously, and then I'm taking on more responsibility. So I'm also tired at the end of the day.

• 37:57Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  Uh, but even when we, I've noticed even when we have good days now, uh, we kind of just end up sitting next to each other, maybe scrolling or just doing our own things.

• 38:08Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  And before we were, we were comfortable in our silence, I think, before, but now I feel like there's, there's something different. When it's silent, there's, it's more uncomfortable. There's like, there's something there.

• 38:22Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:23Speaker 02

  And we can't really talk about it.

• 38:25Dr. John Delony?

  Tell me about this cancer diagnosis.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Uh, sure. Uh, it's Hodgkin's lymphoma.

• 38:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 38:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. So it's, it's highly treatable.

• 38:39Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:39Speaker 02

  That's the lifeline they gave us and I'm holding on to it.

• 38:42Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  But it's been rough on him, the treatments.

• 38:46Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:48Dr. John Delony?

  So

• 38:52Dr. John Delony?

  what you said, I'll, I'm gonna put aside the sitting by each other, but you can feel there's a big gap between the two of you. Okay?

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:02Dr. John Delony?

  Your marriage is gonna look different for a season. The silliness, um, probably sex frequency, um, intimacy, connection, feeling like you have a partner in this deal. Yeah, you're gonna shoulder a lot.

• 39:19Dr. John Delony?

  This is the sickness in health. This is gonna be hard.

• 39:22Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 39:23Dr. John Delony?

  And, um, I'm gonna assume he's a good man. Is that fair?

• 39:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 39:29Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so.

• 39:30Speaker 02

  He's a really good man.

• 39:31Dr. John Delony?

  He's gonna also feel, in addition to the chemo, in addition to the treatments, he's also gonna have that sense of shame. I should be doing more. I should be helping. She shouldn't. Like all those shoulds that bury any of us, right?

• 39:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, and then you are gonna get frustrated that you have to do all of this and you're tired too. And then you're gonna get, you're gonna feel shame that you feel frustrated because he's got cancer for crying out loud, right?

• 40:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, you've got it.

• 40:03Dr. John Delony?

  And so we're gonna have to exhale through. We're, we're allowed to have any feeling we want. I'll go as far to say there's no bad feelings. You're allowed to feel frustrated.

• 40:15Dr. John Delony?

  You're allowed to feel, I'm all alone in this right now, because you are. And then we're gonna go do the, do the next right thing.

• 40:25Dr. John Delony?

  Does that make sense?

• 40:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:28Dr. John Delony?

  And so when you feel frustrated, give yourself permission to feel frustrated. This isn't how you drew it up. It's not how he drew it up.

• 40:37Dr. John Delony?

  And you're allowed to get home and be like, I would want to otherwise rip the wallpaper off our bedroom with a torrid night tonight with my husband. And he's curled up on the couch under a blanket because he's freezing, but he's also hot.

• 40:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:51Dr. John Delony?

  Right?

• 40:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:54Dr. John Delony?

  And so addressing this gap, this is really common. And so a, a thing that can bring y'all back together, intimacy is gonna look different for a season. Okay? And if we think of intimacy being the secret world that we get to create together and nobody else is allowed in there. Cancer's not allowed in there. Doctors aren't allowed in there. Our kids aren't allowed in there. This is ours. Sometimes that is physical, it's sexual, it's erotic, the eros, and sometimes it's emotional and vulnerable and just connection. And so setting up a time, once a week, twice a week, that y'all put on the, put on the calendar, Monday nights and Thursday nights, is when we check in

• 41:38Dr. John Delony?

  with each other, no kids, no nothing. We tell the kids, and this is a situation, put them in front of a TV. I don't care. Give them chicken nuggets. I don't care. Like, we're in, we're surviving this season, literally and figuratively. And so

• 41:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:52Dr. John Delony?

  we're gonna go in a room and you tell your kids, I don't care how old they are, grown up time, y'all get out. Our kids have known that phrase since they were zero. It's grown up time. Y'all aren't allowed in here. We're just talking. Uh, and they all roll their eyes, come on, please, uh. Nope, grown up time. And then they make their way out and they go do a puzzle or art or whatever, nerd stuff, whatever they're doing. But y'all check in and ask each other, how are you?

• 42:19Dr. John Delony?

  Here's how I'm doing.

• 42:22Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 42:22Dr. John Delony?

  Here's, if y'all give each other permission, what are two or three stories you've made up about how you're not doing a good job? Give, and it's, he might have never done this before. Most men haven't.

• 42:37Dr. John Delony?

  But giving him permission to say, I'm scared to death.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:43Dr. John Delony?

  Like when you get the big C word, when you get cancer, whether it's a very treatable cancer or it's stage four and you've got three months, everybody who gets that and everyone who loves somebody who gets that diagnosis instantly goes to the edge of the cliff and peers off the edge.

• 43:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think I did already a couple of times.

• 43:03Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, like, oh, I might have to do this by myself.

• 43:08Dr. John Delony?

  And he's felt that, like, as a husband, I got one job to take care of my, protect my wife and kids and I'm gonna, I'm gonna die, really?

• 43:16Dr. John Delony?

  And so there's that, hiding that from each other, man, that's that golf you're talking about. I'm sitting right next to him and we are on different planets.

• 43:28Dr. John Delony?

  It's finding a path back to where we can share those moments together and that's deep intimacy.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:38Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying? And one of you has to go first and since you called, I'm anointing you as the person who goes first. And you could tell him, if you're not comfortable telling me, I mean, even if you say like, I can imagine this is terrifying for you, this is scary. I imagine you've had thoughts about what if you're not here for me and the kids? Tell me about that. I don't want to talk about that, I don't want to talk about that. Okay, well, you're gonna listen to me while I talk about how I feel.

• 44:07Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to, I want you to hold my hands while we do it.

• 44:12Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll tell you, I've become convinced, I, I, I've been guilty of this a million times. I hear this from almost every couple I talk to. This idea, I just need to decompress, I just need some time. And we, and that is true. Everybody needs decompression, everybody needs quote unquote, time. But scrolling on your phones is not benign decompression time. It's avoidant, it's numbing. Right? It's, it's shots of tequila or it's a joint, it's a way to be right here, but not be here at all. And so if you tell, if you tell them, I feel like we're sitting by each other and I feel like I'm

• 44:55Dr. John Delony?

  on my phone too much and I want to be present with you.

• 45:00Dr. John Delony?

  I would love for you to put your phone down and let's play, let's go get some stupid games off Amazon, let's, I'll send you some questions for humans, y'all can just ask each other questions. But these are just, these are just y'all connecting, you get what I'm saying?

• 45:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:15Dr. John Delony?

  And yeah, you're in it for a season. Um, every case of Hodgkin's is different. What's the timeline they gave you?

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Um, so he's stage two.

• 45:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  And.

• 45:28Dr. John Delony?

  So just those two were Hodgkin's and stage two tells me this is very treatable.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah.

• 45:34Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:35Speaker 02

  It's, um, they taught me, or they told us, uh, six to nine months, I think, treatment.

• 45:41Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  It just feels like so long right now, I can't see the end.

• 45:46Dr. John Delony?

  So, so make a, you and your kids and your husband, y'all make one of those, uh, do it together as a family, make one of those construction paper chains and hang it in the kitchen.

• 46:00Dr. John Delony?

  And every week or every month, y'all all as a family, tear a chain off.

• 46:08Dr. John Delony?

  And have a little celebration moment. This, it will, there, there is an end to this. Oh, let's be optimistic, there's gonna be an end to this, right? And if there's, if you find out it gets worse, it progresses, whatever, call me back, because there's a whole other track we take when that happens. But this is just gonna be a miserable year. And you, sister, are gonna have to do something that you probably don't like doing.

• 46:30Dr. John Delony?

  You ready?

• 46:32Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have to get some help.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 46:35Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have to get a couple of friends who will come over and bring dinner twice a week.

• 46:40Dr. John Delony?

  You're gonna have to call a couple of friends who will come pick your kids up twice a week.

• 46:45Dr. John Delony?

  And I know you don't, I could tell by this call, you don't like asking for help.

• 46:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't.

• 46:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, that season's over. Or can I, I'll be mean, I'm gonna be mean to you. You not asking for help is 100% your ego.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 47:02Dr. John Delony?

  We gotta put ego aside on this one. We have a husband who's fighting for his life, we got two little kids, that this is their childhood. And you can't carry all of this.

• 47:13Dr. John Delony?

  No one in human history, no woman in human history until about 70 years ago, 60 years ago, would have even considered trying to handle all this by themselves.

• 47:26Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 47:26Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 47:28Dr. John Delony?

  Friends, family, even that annoying aunt that, oh my gosh, she's still talking about COVID, she may need to come over and help.

• 47:37Dr. John Delony?

  Okay?

• 47:38Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 47:39Dr. John Delony?

  Sisters, brother, whoever, but I'm gonna start, you, you gotta start calling people and saying, I need some support and some help.

• 47:48Dr. John Delony?

  Cool?

• 47:48Speaker 02

  Got it, yeah.

• 47:50Dr. John Delony?

  Game on?

• 47:52Speaker 02

  Game on.

• 47:52Dr. John Delony?

  Cause I don't want you stumbling across the finish line in nine months and have a husband whose eyes have lit back up. He, he, he shouldn't ever get a cancer free diagnosis, but he should get a no detectable cancer diagnosis, which would be awesome. And I don't want you just a pile of ash in nine months, right?

• 48:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't want that either.

• 48:14Dr. John Delony?

  There you go, that's gonna be you asking for help and support.

• 48:19Dr. John Delony?

  Unapologetically. And if people, three months in are like, hey, I can't bring a meal this week, that's fine. I'm not gonna hold that against anybody. It's all, but I still gotta, oh crap, I gotta call somebody else then.

• 48:32Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I'm saying?

• 48:34Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm, I hear it.

• 48:37Dr. John Delony?

  He's lucky to have you, Grace.

• 48:41Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 48:44Dr. John Delony?

  And I think this is a pretty amazing opportunity for your family to be more connected. I think this is a chance for your marriage to get really, really rich.

• 48:56Dr. John Delony?

  Cool?

• 48:57Speaker 02

  Cool.

• 48:58Dr. John Delony?

  It's been a high honor to get to talk to you. Thank you for calling.

• 49:02Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 49:03Dr. John Delony?

  And any, any step along the way, you wanna call me, if he wants to call me, um, I'm all in, I'm all in. Thank you so, so much, sister. We'll be right back.

• 49:12Dr. John Delony?

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• 49:52Dr. John Delony?

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• 50:33Dr. John Delony?

  All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

• 50:35Speaker 03

  All right, we have an email here from Elizabeth in Milwaukee.

• 50:39Dr. John Delony?

  You're smiling, so I can already tell.

• 50:40Speaker 03

  No, I like this one, I'm, I'm just interested to see, it's, it's not like some of the crazier ones, I'm interested to see where you land on this one. All right, am I the problem? My husband claims we don't need to replace our lawnmower and all summer has insisted that we could just use the weed whacker, which I love because I hear that in her Milwaukee.

• 51:00Dr. John Delony?

  That is OG dude.

• 51:01Speaker 03

  I hear that in her Wisconsin accent and I love it, to cut the grass in our yard. We have a smaller backyard, but it's still big enough for like trampoline and swing set. Multiple times I've said, I'll hire someone to come and do our lawn every week, but he acts offended. It's the same scenario when I insist that the oil needs to be changed in our car more often than it is. When I offer to take it to a shop, he insists that it's his job and he will do it. And if I do, if I just take it to a shop, I know he'll be offended. We're out of debt and we could put these type of expenses easily in our budget, but I think he's convinced that he's less a provider and protector if we outsource these things. He does eventually get them done, but not when I think they should be done and our yard doesn't always look the greatest. Am I the problem?

• 51:48Speaker 03

  So this is clearly a bigger than the yard.

• 51:49Dr. John Delony?

  Totally.

• 51:50Speaker 03

  This is about the, hey, we could take the car to get the oil changed. We can hire somebody to do the yard because clearly he's probably busy.

• 51:59Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 52:00Speaker 03

  But he feels it's a slight on his job as a provider.

• 52:03Dr. John Delony?

  His masculinity, whatever. So I, I see two issues here. Issue number one is, I'll, I'll go after him first and then after her second. Uh, go after, that's so dramatic. I'm not going after anybody. Yeah, he's got to get over himself. And often, I'll, I'll tell you, I was the same way. Like the thought of hiring somebody to mow my lawn, I could not think of something more hoity-toity. I don't know why it's that, that particular thing. Um, it was when my wife told me, I value you and your time with me and with the kids more than that.

• 52:44Dr. John Delony?

  And so, um, when I'm mowing like the big farm place, like she knows those four hours make him a better guy. Like I like getting out there and it's, it's for me and whatever. And I do it on a really regular basis. But the front lawn and all the, what the neighbors are going to see and all that.

• 53:04Dr. John Delony?

  She, her telling me, I value you more than that, than that time. I, I, it's worth this money so that I get a full you. That was been awesome. So he's got to get over his ego. Just get over it and let's move on with our life. And the second, and I'll tell you this, when it comes to oil changes, I was same way. I wouldn't even, I was working here and I still changed my own oil, like in the driveway. And, but then I would get behind or be on the road or whatever. And finally my wife said, I'm going to do it on this day. If it's done before, then great, but on this day I'm going to go do it. And I missed it once. And for me, I was like, oh, that was kind of awesome. You mean, it just takes, well, they call it 10 minutes, but you stay in the line for an hour and a half. But like, that was pretty awesome.

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  And so I just let that, I had to let that go. But that was the way she did it with me. Like it's going to happen on this day. So if you want to do it before then, I'll knock it out. Otherwise I'm going to, um, go get this done and I'm going to assume that you're working your butt off on something else. It was awesome. So there's that. This other thing I heard is she has a way she likes things done and he doesn't do them the way I like them done.

• 54:14Dr. John Delony?

  Y'all need to have that conversation and you might need a big old drink of get over it. Like, or you learn how to use the weed whacker. If it ain't weed whacked to your specifications or whatever, you know what I mean? Cause I guarantee you, this is not just the yard. It's the kitchen, it's the house, it's the laundry room, it's all these other things. So if you have this super standard, then sit down and let's declare the super standard. Right? And if you don't, and it's just never really good enough and I kind of want it like, don't do that. Yeah. Then you become the problem because then you're always moving the finish line and everybody. So anyway, what do you think?

• 54:52Speaker 03

  I think you're right. And, um, I mean, this conversation almost exactly played out in our house a number of years ago.

• 54:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, mine too.

• 54:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. With the yard of my husband saying, I enjoy being able to get out and mow the yard. And we don't have a big yard by any means, but it wasn't, it was, he didn't have the time.

• 55:09Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 03

  And then it was like, oh crap, it's Sunday and I haven't done this yet and I need to do it. And so when we finally started hiring someone to do the yard, he was like, oh, that's nice.

• 55:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 55:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. But it came down to me saying, there's only, there's certain things that only you can do. In the, in this family and in this house.

• 55:29Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, yeah. I know you're talking about Kelly. Oh, yeah.

• 55:34Speaker 03

  Being with our children, being with us. But I mean, you know, or even work things that he needed to do, uh, that only he could do. But we had the same discussion when it came to when we hired somebody to clean the house every couple of weeks. Because I was spending so much of the weekend doing that. And then as we got a bigger house and him and me saying, no, I don't want to hire anybody because they're not going to do it like I want it. And he was like, but there's only, there's things that only you can do, like your time. There, I, I watched an interview years ago with the woman that ran, it's one of the social media sites. I think it was a long time ago. It was a Brazilian woman that used to run Twitter, I think. And she talked about that, that there are things that only you can do. Other things could be hired out because that's what that person does.

• 56:18Dr. John Delony?

  That's what they do. Yeah.

• 56:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 56:19Dr. John Delony?

  And if you're, if you're in a financial position to take advantage of that, great.

• 56:22Speaker 03

  Right.

• 56:22Dr. John Delony?

  And I'll also say this, it's not just the mowing time or the house cleaning time. It is, it's Sunday afternoon. I haven't done what I said I would do and I get pretty grumpy and I get in a bad mood. I'm sure you were delightful Sunday afternoons.

• 56:37Speaker 03

  Oh, rage clean.

• 56:38Dr. John Delony?

  Rampaging through your house.

• 56:40Speaker 03

  Right. And then mad because somebody tracked in a.

• 56:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 56:43Speaker 03

  You know, it's funny now because I know someone's coming in a couple of weeks. I don't care.

• 56:47Dr. John Delony?

  I don't care. That's right. So it's not just the, it, so for people who are like, I've got to protect and provide. Sometimes the greatest provision you could have is provide your wife with you in a good mood. Provide some margin for your household. Provide like, so it's not just, like snap into a slim gym. Provision is just a bigger picture now. So in the modern world we live in. So yeah, be the best version of yourself. And if you're in a financial position, hire some of those things, especially do this math. What do you charge your business per hour for your time? And do you pay yourself that much at your own house? Right?

• 57:28Dr. John Delony?

  Like what I was making at work was far more per hour than when I was paying a yard guy. So I was paying myself less to do, just hire somebody, man. Get over yourself and be honest about, it's not up to my standards.

• 57:46Dr. John Delony?

  Those words bury marriages.

• 57:50Dr. John Delony?

  You're, you're eyeballing me, Kelly. Love you guys. Bye.