What Do You Hide From Your Partner?

We're discussing all the things people hide from their partners, from getting Botox to spending habits to past sexual experiences, and more. We break down the different categories of "little white lies" and the motivations behind them, through research, our own experiences, and contributions from our audience. And we're diving into age-old questions like "Do you have to tell your partner how many people you've slept with?" and "Do guys always lie when you ask them what they're thinking about?" Before we get into the topic, we're talking about health (microplastics, air quality, and more!), and the most searched fetish in every state. Enjoy! Follow us on Instagram @girlsgottaeatpodcast, Ashley @ashhess, and Rayna @rayna.greenberg. Visit girlsgottaeat.com for more. Thank you to our partners this week: Cymbiotika: Get 20% and free shipping at https://cymbiotika.com/girlsgottaeat. Bilt: Get points by paying rent at https://joinbilt.com/GGE. Hungry Root: Get 40% off your first delivery and free item in every box for life at https://hungryroot.com/GGE with code GGE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, can you imagine your man comes home, he's like, what have you been tweezing?

• 0:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Did you tweeze your chin today?

• 0:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  This podcast is a Dear Media production.

• 0:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hi, guys.

• 0:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Welcome back to another episode of Girls Gotta Eat.

• 0:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Welcome back.

• 0:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Happy Valentine's Day.

• 0:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Happy Valentine's Day.

• 0:31Rayna Greenberg?

  I know, we're 10 days late.

• 0:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's only 10 days since, you know, it's such a big holiday, you celebrated for 10 days. Just kidding. But we are recording a little bit farther out than normal.

• 0:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, definitely further out than normal.

• 0:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  But on Valentine's Day, our special day.

• 0:42Rayna Greenberg?

  You said you wanted to be together today.

• 0:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  So what, seven years running? Eight years running?

• 0:49Rayna Greenberg?

  This will be our eighth year. This is my first Valentine's Day not spent with you in the evening.

• 0:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  We're still together all day. Oh, in the evening?

• 0:57Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, so we were trying to remember, like, run the tape on the, so the last two years, we were at the improv. You hosted shows at the improv in Hollywood and we've done shows a lot. We've been to Vancouver for JFL. I don't know if we ever did like a Friends thing in New York. I feel like we've mostly hosted shows on Valentine's Day or that weekend.

• 1:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  I feel like I really need to run the tape on every time.

• 1:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Tell me if this is Valentine's Day or not. I'm gonna, we're playing trivia now. We were just able to dine back inside and it was still really cold out. And we went to Italy and then we went to Gupshop. And when we were in Italy, it was nice and warm and cozy. And then something happened midway through, like, I don't know if an inspector came in.

• 1:37Rayna Greenberg?

  The cop showed up.

• 1:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  A cop showed up and they opened up all the windows. We were sitting there like freezing because it was February in New York. I really think that was Valentine's Day.

• 1:44Rayna Greenberg?

  You do? It is, no, we all were black. I guess that's every day in New York.

• 1:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I swear that was Valentine's Day. And I remember I was like DMing with this guy, that one like influencer guy I was talking to. I don't know, I just have this feeling it was.

• 1:57Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't confirm or deny, I actually don't remember. I feel like, no, because I don't remember a lot of red decor around us. But like, it was weird times because you just couldn't really be inside doing anything.

• 2:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 2:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, this is my first Valentine's evening without you.

• 2:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 2:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm excited though, so I had like a bunch of girls that I was gonna hang out with. And then one has to be out of town and one. I'm not hanging out tonight. Hannah and I had dinner plans and she was like, I made a reservation for like six girls and I was like, could you want to invite? Last night she texted me and was like, do you maybe want to like stay in and watch Love is Blind and order John and Vinnie's? Which is a great Italian restaurant in LA. And I was like, I just came.

• 2:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 2:30Rayna Greenberg?

  We will light my fire. We will sit on my big couch.

• 2:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  My porn category. Love is Blind and John and Vinnie's?

• 2:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Am I gonna try to fuck Hannah?

• 2:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Maybe. I could see it. At this point, Love is Blind has been on and we'll be talking about it on the snack. But yeah. I am doing a show tonight.

• 2:47Rayna Greenberg?

  If you're not with me, you're doing a show.

• 2:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  I love comedy on Valentine's Day.

• 2:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I love an activity on holidays like this.

• 2:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I'm doing like a 10pm show. So my fiance will come. We'll go to dinner before, I guess. Where are we gonna go to dinner? And then Osama is on the show. So I'm excited for them to meet.

• 3:03Rayna Greenberg?

  You guys, Osama's a former guest of ours and the biggest hands, just fingers for days comedian. I'm so jealous for you to see him.

• 3:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And we're gonna do like gifts, but I thought it was funny because I get him a lot of really thoughtful and expensive Christmas gifts. I went like full send for Christmas. And I was just like, I don't know, Valentine's Day for guys. Like it feels like it's more of a girly holiday. Like I woke up, he had flowers for me. Like I'm sure he'll, you know, he did a lot for me last year. It doesn't, I don't know. Like what do you get guys for Valentine's Day?

• 3:36Rayna Greenberg?

  Blowjobs.

• 3:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Exactly. Of course, all of that.

• 3:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Cook them dinner, suck their dick.

• 3:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  All that's on deck.

• 3:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. Birthdays, Christmas, holidays.

• 3:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  He has to come watch me tell jokes about him and then he gets to fuck me. Yeah. No, I'll blow him. But I did want to like get him something.

• 3:52Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 3:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I got him like some funny cutesy things. I found like dice that you roll to pick like where you want to eat. You know, couples are always like, what should we eat tonight? Like there's a dice that's just like Mexican or steak or, you know, burgers and you can roll it. And then these, like I got him some other cutesy things. And then his main gift is I'm getting him a kettlebell.

• 4:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  And he didn't. He loves the kettlebell. He works out with-

• 4:17Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh, he does. This isn't like a subtle hint.

• 4:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Workout equipment can be interpreted in different ways.

• 4:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's so funny. Yeah. And I say that I'm getting it because I haven't got it yet. I'll go after this.

• 4:29Rayna Greenberg?

  We're not doing gifts until later. I had a boyfriend in New York that brought me a Duane Reade bag and just handed it to me and he had like just come from Duane Reade with like a card. He didn't even fill the card out.

• 4:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  No.

• 4:40Rayna Greenberg?

  It had like candy and some like garbage. He was like, I don't have time to wrap it. I was like, you just came from Duane Reade.

• 4:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Literally, it's in the bag.

• 4:46Rayna Greenberg?

  In the bag.

• 4:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is from Duane.

• 4:47Rayna Greenberg?

  The receipt was still in there?

• 4:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh.

• 4:50Rayna Greenberg?

  I fucked him anyway.

• 4:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  If you want to take it back, yeah, of course. But no, he works out with a kettlebell and he didn't send it here from Boston. So he hasn't bought one yet. And I'm just like hoping he doesn't come home with one every day because this is going to be my big, my big gift. I think it's like 30 bucks. Jessica, can you Google where I need to go? Like Dicks or something? Where do you get one?

• 5:08Rayna Greenberg?

  So there isn't a Dicks around here. And I know this because I tried to find, I was gonna go get an Eagles jersey for the Super Bowl.

• 5:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 5:14Rayna Greenberg?

  And I could not figure out where in LA to find it. There is a Ross right by my-

• 5:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  There's a Big Five near you, Ashley. Big Five? What is that? Oh, it's a sporting goods store. Okay. I thought the Big Five was where you get those pickles. I have Mark.

• 5:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Actually, it's a superstore and you can get kettlebells and pickles.

• 5:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wait, okay. First of all, can we back up? I'm so upset. I didn't know you were trying to wear an Eagles jersey because I have one that says Heseltat in the back and I would have loved for you to wear that.

• 5:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, I wanted to surprise you and I felt really, so you and I went to this really wonderful Valentine's Day at actually our friend Hannah's. And she just had like TikTok searched all these like different decorations. She had like cups and themes. She had little gifts. It was so nice. And I was like, man, I really did not theme the Super Bowl party the way I wanted to. I was like, I was just spending so much money and there were so many people coming over. It was 20 people I had to like cook and buy alcohol for.

• 6:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 6:06Rayna Greenberg?

  But I do like a theme, so I tried last minute to find the Eagles stuff and I couldn't.

• 6:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Oh, well, what are you gonna do? We have next year.

• 6:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Your relationship is, interesting is the wrong word. You guys always buy each other a lot of gifts. You're very thoughtful. You're always like, he sends flowers when you're out of town. He is always thinking of like little ways. He sends you food all the time. Like when you were like long distance, like gift giving is like so much his love language. I think he does all the love languages. But you guys gift a lot in a way that I have never experienced from a partner. Maybe it's because I only date broke dudes.

• 6:36Rayna Greenberg?

  No one's ever sent me anything.

• 6:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  So like he.

• 6:39Rayna Greenberg?

  It's ever that one rich guy who was sending his assistant to stand in line and courage bagels for me. And I was like, but you didn't do this.

• 6:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're both extremes.

• 6:47Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 6:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  You've had like the rich guy who is not going to put in the thought and effort. Someone else is going to do it. And you've had the broke dudes. No, you've had it. You've gotten gifts.

• 6:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 6:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  So he is so thoughtful and it comes from his like mom and even his aunt. So they get me presents and I'm like, don't like, I send stuff to his family. Like I sent them a big basket on Christmas day, but like he just recently, cause he shipped it. Cause it was like, how else am I going to get this? I was like, it's, it's no rush. But like his aunt, who I've met once, got me really nice Christmas gifts. And I know. And then sometimes like, he'll be like, my mom wanted to get something for Raina. I'm like, okay, we gotta stop this.

• 7:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Oh my God, Ashley, I just reminded, she sent me a gift and I forgot to send. Can you seriously make a note right now and tell me after we record, I have to thank her.

• 7:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes, she got you a gift. His mom, my fiance's mom, who Raina's met.

• 7:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Zero times.

• 7:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Never time, never.

• 7:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Never times.

• 7:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Never times. You guys were supposed to meet and then they couldn't come to brunch.

• 7:41Rayna Greenberg?

  His sister I met, who I'm like crazy about.

• 7:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. But so he is crazy thoughtful and he always has been. And so many flowers when we were dating, obviously we were long distance. And so the flowers now are a little more difficult. So he like woke up this morning and he got out of bed and he was like in the garage, doing whatever he was doing. And then I had flowers when I went downstairs.

• 8:00Rayna Greenberg?

  You know what's funny is I walked into our like office space today. There's two bouquets of flowers sitting on the desk and I started rooting around in them. Cause I was like, for sure they're for us.

• 8:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  For sure they're for us.

• 8:18Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, they were not my business to touch them, but they're behind the desk.

• 8:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I am dead.

• 8:22Rayna Greenberg?

  And there were two bouquets of flowers. And I was like, they are definitely for us.

• 8:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Cards. You're like lame. You're judging the cards.

• 8:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Whose flowers are these?

• 8:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Whose grocery store flowers are these?

• 8:32Rayna Greenberg?

  I went through somebody else's flowers.

• 8:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm so dead.

• 8:35Rayna Greenberg?

  All right. Well, we'll thank our partners.

• 8:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God. We haven't thanked our partners.

• 8:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, we will.

• 8:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, let's, we'll get to it.

• 8:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Thanks to Bilt. Get points by paying rent at joinbilt.com/gge.

• 8:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  And thank you to Hungry Root. Get 40% off your first delivery and free item in every box for life at hungryroot.com/gge with code GGE. And Symbiotica. Get 20% off and free shipping at symbiotica.com/girlsgottoeat.

• 8:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. Okay. I had this like amazing thing I was so excited to talk about and then I had this like aha moment. So I had like a morning hang this week with a friend.

• 9:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 9:06Rayna Greenberg?

  This girl that I'm friends with said that she was coming to Venice in the morning to pick up some Valentine's Day gifts for her boyfriend on Abbot Kinney. And she was like,

• 9:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  I want to know what the gifts are now.

• 9:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  What'd she get him?

• 9:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I need inspo.

• 9:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm buying a fucking kettlebell.

• 9:18Rayna Greenberg?

  So it's a new relationship. So she was like, it's new. It's not like an I love you relationship yet.

• 9:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Sex toys, then.

• 9:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I said, you gotta revert to like sex stuff. Also, I should have offered her a sex toy and I did not. I can't give out sex toys all willy nilly.

• 9:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 9:31Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I think about that sometimes. Like when you will tell me like, I gave so and so a sex toy. I'm like, well, they deserve it. They're our close friend. We've never given them anything.

• 9:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's true.

• 9:38Rayna Greenberg?

  You gave some stuff to Taylor recently. I should probably give some stuff to Alyssa. She's done me some favors. But like, I'm just not handing them out. And I don't really have in my house anymore.

• 9:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  I have so many other brands that we've tested. I'm gonna start giving them out. I use this once and it's not even ours, but.

• 9:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I washed it.

• 9:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Anyway, while we're here, guys, vibes only. Our premium sex toys, amazing gifts. A great gift. I mean, any gift, any season, like stuff like the handcuffs or the blow gel, like even just entree and decaying.

• 10:04Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 10:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  We have it all.

• 10:05Rayna Greenberg?

  The massage candle. We haven't talked about that that much. If you're like, what should I do for a date night? That.

• 10:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 10:10Rayna Greenberg?

  But this girl, she texted me and she said she was going to Abbot Kinney. And she was like, are you around in the morning? Take a walk? And I was like, it's actually supposed to rain, but if you want to like stop over, a little coffee. And she came over like 9:00 a.m. We hung out for like 90 minutes. And it started my day like so nice. And I was like, Why aren't we like doing this more like morning hangs like I don't have to get dressed. I looked horrible. I had no makeup on. I'm just drinking coffee. I don't get drunk. Like it's nice. Started my day so good and I was like, I'm gonna like blow people's minds suggesting this. Then I was like, oh yeah, people have to work.

• 10:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 10:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Like people have jobs.

• 10:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know. So many more people aren't going into the office, you know?

• 10:43Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know anybody that's going to the office anymore.

• 10:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 10:45Rayna Greenberg?

  Barely anybody.

• 10:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 10:46Rayna Greenberg?

  But like if I put my phone down for 30 minutes, I mean, you and I are on a hundred group of texts together.

• 10:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 10:53Rayna Greenberg?

  It, I feel the anxiety building in my body.

• 10:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  But I love the coffee date and I mean, I was, I said I was gonna do this thing that I did once. I said what I was gonna do in the new year and that, well, then the fire started actually. So I, I may have, but I was gonna do Friday lunch dates with friends.

• 11:08Rayna Greenberg?

  You did tell me you were gonna do that.

• 11:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then I was gonna do the 3pm yoga class at Y7 because it's in West Hollywood. So I was gonna do like a West Hollywood lunch date with a friend, whoever, whoever is available, whoever I want to see. And yeah, I did it once and then the city burned down, but I'll pick it back up. But I like when people suggest a coffee.

• 11:24Rayna Greenberg?

  I love it.

• 11:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  But here's the thing, like.

• 11:26Rayna Greenberg?

  A walk.

• 11:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're having someone at your home, little risky, you know, you gotta have an out planned before. You knew she had to go.

• 11:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I knew she had to leave.

• 11:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  If you're gonna have someone to your house for coffee, which I love that you did. I think you guys had such a nice time. Like I think you gotta be like, I gotta get on a call at 10:30, you know, like.

• 11:44Rayna Greenberg?

  People try to stay.

• 11:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not that they're trying to overstay their welcome, but how do you end this? Is the coffee done? You know, like how do you get them out of your house if you really, all right, now I gotta get to work.

• 11:54Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually think that it's the perfect time to have an out because you can just say.

• 11:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  True, I gotta get to work.

• 11:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I gotta, I have a meeting at 11. I need you to get going. Like, oh shit, look at the time. Like.

• 12:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally.

• 12:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Sometimes I'm out at night and I'm like, when can we call it? Who's gonna be the first person to start the leaving?

• 12:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Actually, you're so right. It's, the out is way easier when it's in the morning.

• 12:13Rayna Greenberg?

  No.

• 12:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Cause a nighttime hang, people will just stay.

• 12:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Uh, not me. You never have to worry about me staying, but everybody else.

• 12:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 12:19Rayna Greenberg?

  If a hang is at my house, I will hang forever. If I don't have to change venues, nothing gets me out of there quicker than when I'm having a nice time at dinner. Everyone's hanging and drinking and somebody suggests, let's get a, like a drink at the next bar. I am not a next bar kind of girl.

• 12:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 12:34Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't need to change the background when I'm already enjoying the company that I'm, that I have in front of me. I know a lot of, I know people agree with me and they love it. They love to go to the next place, the next place. I don't want to do it.

• 12:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  I have learned over the years, if you are having a good time, stay. If you have plans and a reservation, that's different. But if you just are like, we thought when we started the night, we would bounce around, but you're having a good time, the vibes are high, the people are good, whatever's with the music, whatever's going on in the first place, don't leave. You're not going to find that again. Like, stop thinking the grass is greener.

• 13:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes, it changes the vibe.

• 13:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 13:10Rayna Greenberg?

  You and I were out with four girls. And you lose the like dynamic. We were out four girls the other night for dinner at Companion, is that what it's called? In Venice, which I love, great restaurant, it's new, if you guys want to check it out, it's Italian. There were four of us, it was a perfect four top, and then we got up and we went to the next place and we had to sit in a line at the bar. And I don't want to do that. It fucks up, it fucks up the dynamic for me.

• 13:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 13:30Rayna Greenberg?

  And I didn't want to leave.

• 13:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, so someone's always going to be the brave person to be like, hey, guys, are we having fun here? Let's stay.

• 13:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's not going to be more fun.

• 13:40Rayna Greenberg?

  It's never going to be more fun for me.

• 13:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, unless it's like a really, like a pregame and then like a club. Yeah, you got to get to the club. But if you're just going to go to another bar, just because you think the people are going to be better, the music's going to be better, but if you're having fun, just stay.

• 13:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't want it.

• 13:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hold it down.

• 13:55Rayna Greenberg?

  I, I'm old, I don't want to put my coat on now. I don't want to have to walk somewhere. Like, New York, fine. New York, you could walk to 15 bars in 12 seconds. But like, I don't want to like rejigger the seating, interrupt my conversation. I don't want to do it.

• 14:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, I feel like in my twenties, I mean, you always want to bounce around. And then more as I got in my thirties, like, I would be the person, if, if someone is like suggesting, should we go to the next place? I'd be like, what if we just stay here? We got a tab open, I got nachos on the way, like, let's just stay.

• 14:21Rayna Greenberg?

  What if? What if we don't get up?

• 14:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 14:26Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not trying to get up, I'm not a next place kind of girl.

• 14:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 14:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Really leaned into not being fun.

• 14:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, well, I love your ideas, just more daytime hangs in general. And we always say this, and it's a great way to get to know somebody, a new friend, is to just do those like coffee or lunches. Again, like, you meet somebody, you're like, I don't know if I could go out with her all night, or even sit to a dinner. You do a coffee date.

• 14:48Rayna Greenberg?

  This girl's a new friend. And I had a great time. I loved talking to her, she was great. Okay, so speaking of like me and my personality traits, I'm going to try something new.

• 14:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 14:56Rayna Greenberg?

  I want to talk to you about it.

• 14:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 14:57Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a journey.

• 14:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 14:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, so I had a friend stay with me last week and she is very much on a journey of like organic, healthy decision-making for what she puts in her body and on her body.

• 15:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 15:10Rayna Greenberg?

  And she made some suggestions about my house and I was like, I could try this. So like, I use a lot of water bottles, a lot of plastic water bottles. And she's like, it's a lot of waste and plastic is not great for your body. You know, the stuff like goes into the bottle, it's in a warehouse for months and then you're consuming it. She's big into like microplastics.

• 15:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 15:27Rayna Greenberg?

  And so I started like looking into like this filter that I could put in my fridge, which will be an easy change. And then I was like, well, what else do I do this plastic that I should stop doing? And so I threw out all my plastic cutting boards, because

• 15:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my god.

• 15:37Rayna Greenberg?

  every time you slice into a plastic cutting board.

• 15:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 15:39Rayna Greenberg?

  So I just started looking into like plastic cutting boards and it's an easy, cheap swap for me to do a bamboo cutting board, so it's just wood. And then I was like, what about the stuff that I store my food in? And so then I'm like, alright, I'm not gonna toss out all my Tupperware, but I will stop microwaving stuff in plastic that...

• 15:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  What? You've just been microwaving stuff in plastic.

• 15:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I read stuff in plastic!

• 16:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Let's start Rina's GoFundMe, because she's gonna go through some sort of treatment.

• 16:06Rayna Greenberg?

  And...

• 16:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not the microwaving of the... Oh my god.

• 16:09Rayna Greenberg?

  So, you know, once you tug on this string a little bit,

• 16:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 16:13Rayna Greenberg?

  like, it really starts to unravel of, I mean, everything. Seed oils in your food and red dye. And then when you start thinking about what you put in your body, you're like, well, what about what I put on my body? So like, what about my body wash and lotion and the detergent? And what about what I wash my dishes with? Like those plastic, this is not an anti-big-plastic episode.

• 16:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  The detergent pods.

• 16:34Rayna Greenberg?

  The detergent pods. So you and I have used Blue Land for years and I love those tabs and those are really good. They're like eco-friendly. But you think about the chemicals and, I mean, you could go on and on and on forever and there has to be a point at which you just say like, I should be allowed to live my life. But I started getting served all these videos about like shredded cheese that you buy at the store versus like

• 16:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Grating your own cheese.

• 16:56Rayna Greenberg?

  shredding your own cheese, fruit that's precut that like sits in its own juices in this plastic. And I don't, not everybody has access to like Arowan across the street and these things are very...

• 17:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, there's still precut fruit over here.

• 17:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm just saying, when you tug on the string and you're like, I could overhaul my entire life and become a totally different person. But I want to do it within reason. I want to do some things slowly and replace some things. And I don't want to spend like a fortune because I think a lot of people are like, well, I don't have the money to replace all this stuff. You can't just throw out everything you have. But as I get older and I'm heading towards my 40s, I want to like take care of my body better. And I mean, you and I have said this for such a long time. When we travel, it sounds so pretentious, like when I go to Europe every summer, I feel better. It's not the same type of foods that are here. And so I just want to make some better decisions for myself. And at some point I'm going to have to like hard stop it because I can't replace everything in my house.

• 17:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I am with you. I mean, you can be a completely neurotic obsessive person and you can raise your children that way. You're welcome to do that, but like we are going to ingest these chemicals one way or the other. I mean, I got really obsessive over the air quality after the fires. And I was like doing so much research and what were acceptable levels. And I got these air purifiers and I'm checking those along with like the weather app. And like then, but that doesn't account for all the chemicals because all these houses burned down. And there's all the lead and asbestos from the houses. And it's not just like the typical pollutants that we have every day. And I had to just make my own boundaries up. And I had to be like, okay, well, maybe if it's over 50, I will wear a mask or something like that, you know?

• 18:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  But like I had to tell myself like these chemicals, these PM chemicals, PM 10, 5, 2.5, PM 2.5 is the ones that like really get in your, they're tiny, you can't see them, they get in your lungs. You can't avoid them. They're in the air. They're in there no matter what city you're in. You know, like the air quality here is so many better than so many other countries and also worse than other countries. Like I just had to be like, you can't avoid these chemicals, but you can limit your exposure. And you can take these steps when they're really potent or prevalent in the atmosphere. So like, yeah, you can't be psychotic. I mean, it's the same with germs. You know, if you really start to think about the type of germs and when you're traveling on an airplane or whatever. And you know, I get it. Some people are like, I would never come home from the airport and like sit on my furniture.

• 19:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  And it's like, yeah, you can live like that, but I've had to start being like, I've been all right. Been all right in my outside clothes on the couch, you know, but the cutting board thing is really interesting because there are these ads obviously get served and they basically cut something up on a plastic and then they take the knife and all that plastic goes into your food and your body.

• 19:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 19:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know, so whatever. It was an ad for a titanium cutting board. So then they're saying like wood is bad too, because it absorbs too much.

• 19:38Rayna Greenberg?

  Wood chips.

• 19:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like it will absorbs too much meat, stuff like that, not having the wood chips.

• 19:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Into the wood.

• 19:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, they're too absorbent, whatever.

• 19:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Got it.

• 19:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  So I tell my fiance, I was like, we're doing titanium and cutting boards. And he was like, you gotta slow your roll, sis. You know, like he was like, we will get rid of the plastic, but wood is fine. And we're not going to put a knife on titanium that makes me like, want to die. I'm like, you're right. You're right. So we like met in the middle.

• 20:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay.

• 20:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't need titanium cut, no offense to big titanium and like the cutting boards out there, but like even when he started to say like, think about putting a knife on that. I'm like, you're right. It gives me the.

• 20:08Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. It gives me the heck a little bit.

• 20:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  And he was like, you wash wood, it's clean. And like you were sanitized, it will wash it. It's like wood's fine.

• 20:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Uh huh.

• 20:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  We've decided wood is fine for us.

• 20:17Rayna Greenberg?

  For our family. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm a wood family now.

• 20:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, the plastic cutting boards, you see all the knife ridges in them. So that plastic went somewhere and it's in your food and your body.

• 20:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes.

• 20:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  But that happens. We cannot avoid plastics in our body completely.

• 20:34Rayna Greenberg?

  We can't.

• 20:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  You really got me started. You started this.

• 20:36Rayna Greenberg?

  I knew you were gonna, I was really hoping you would like this conversation. And I, I was talking to my friend who inspired this and she was like, you can't bring up the seed oils on the podcast. She'd get 10,000 emails about it. And I was like, I do think we're going to get a lot of emails about this. I think we're, all the well, actually people are going to show up. I'm not sitting here right now saying I won't have any seed oils. Also, natural flavors, like if you see that on a label, that means the opposite of natural flavors. That means in a lab, somebody tinkered around and created a flavor and then injected it into the food. I can't get that far into it, but I said to her, I was like, we'll get so many, well, actually emails about this.

• 21:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I mean, it's like anything else. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You know, I don't think that we can avoid those things completely. And you've had them up till now, you know, you, for example, you know, so. I just think like you have to decide where you want to limit your exposure and what things you don't want to care about and what things you do. I do go to the farmer's market every Saturday morning and get my fruit for the week and get a few other like vegetables and fish and things like that, but I still buy it some at the grocery store. I try to stick to Whole Foods. I mean, you can only do what you can do.

• 21:39Rayna Greenberg?

  You can only do what you can do.

• 21:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  And then you're eating out at restaurants. You don't know what they're doing.

• 21:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't ever see myself getting to the point of like making it my whole personality, like. I want to know that I'm doing something bad for my body. It's fine. I go out to the restaurant and I eat like a 6,000 calorie meal and it's like, that's my choice. That is my choice, but I don't want to like cut into plastic or be drinking out of plastic. And because to me, that's not an expensive swap either. You know what I mean? Like, I don't need to buy water bottles and be wasting this much stuff. I can just, there's a filter in my fridge. I'll just use it.

• 22:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And then Donald Trump signed an executive order banning paper straws. We have to use plastic straws. Like what an absolute fucking clown. And no, I don't like paper straws, but we've also come so far from paper straws. Like the straws that are not plastic that are out there now are great. Like those early days, we were just, we had paper disintegrated in our mouth. But like, they're better now. I don't know. There's different alternatives. Like, we didn't have to go back to plastic. Like, he's a fucking clown. I mean, that's so many things he is, but like in that way, it's like, this is what you're spending your time and energy on. Like, this is not the flex you think it is. We've been fine.

• 22:43Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, we've been fine. So I'm not gonna, I'll see how far down the road I kick this and how long this takes. And you know how long this lasts, but I'm going to make some different decisions for myself.

• 22:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I mean, I hate that you just would always have like a fridge full of not even spring water. You guys purified water, just Aquafina, you know, just Pepsi's Dasani. But I have a filter that I heard about on like a podcast. I think it's called Clearly Filtered and I just heard some expert say that this was the best one, like better than like a Brita or whatever. So I use Clearly Filtered and that's supposed to get the most bad shit and chemicals out of your water. I don't think it's that hard to like swap out the kind of detergent you use.

• 23:22Rayna Greenberg?

  So we'll see.

• 23:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, you're on your journey.

• 23:24Rayna Greenberg?

  How long this goes. I am. I'm excited about it. And I have faith in our audience that they're going to send helpful emails and not be like, well, actually.

• 23:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, and if you want to be like, you're exaggerating, it's like, all right, fine. That's your truth. I don't know. Like, we have the most cancer in the world. I mean, and then in California, everything has a, what, Prop 65 warning on it. It's just like, this could cause cancer, reproductive harm everywhere. I saw in the lobby of a hotel, materials in this hotel could cause cancer. Oh, what should I do? I was going to get married here.

• 23:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Everything you buy on Amazon has the Prop 65.

• 24:00Rayna Greenberg?

  There's tons of stuff you can't even get sent to the state of California.

• 24:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 24:03Rayna Greenberg?

  I was shopping for like faucets and most of the faucets I couldn't get sent here.

• 24:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, it's like, I appreciate, yeah, California's Proposition 65, also knows the Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act, I'm sure Donald Trump will cancel this out as soon as he gets the opportunity, requires businesses to warn Californians about exposures to chemicals that may cause cancer, birth defects, or reproductive harm, which is just kind of everything. So when you buy something, it says like the packaging, so it's not my air filter, for example, it's like the plastic around it, it's just, it's plastic essentially, I think, because it's on everything, but the fact that I saw that in a hotel, I was like, oh, all right, I hope that my guests don't see this, I hope you guys aren't pregnant.

• 24:40Rayna Greenberg?

  You just, you're like, I'll get married here, but you have to cover this.

• 24:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  My pregnant friend comes in, she's like, excuse me?

• 24:45Rayna Greenberg?

  It's healthy here, I mean, I will say, things are healthy here, but, you know, everybody has what works well for their body, and I think about that in relation to like, exercise, because you have a million people plugging different exercise plans, some people are like, only cardio, it's the only way you lose weight, and then you have other people like, well, actually, weightlifting is the thing that leads to weight loss, and, well, actually, it's a combo of this type, it's an all-carb diet with cardio.

• 25:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes.

• 25:07Rayna Greenberg?

  Everybody has like the magic bullet of how it's going to change your life, and I can't subscribe to any of those things.

• 25:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 25:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Also, like, different diets, people are like, well, this, this workout with this diet will make you look like this, like, people, we know people that just like, count every calorie, you know?

• 25:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Everybody is so different in what works for them, and I really subscribe to like, lifting weight and building muscle to achieve the type of body you want, you can't just do all cardio, you can't.

• 25:31Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm not going to become like a health influencer or anything, girly, I'll probably become like a Home Goods Amazon influencer at some point.

• 25:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Raina's so on her journey to anti-vax, it's not even.

• 25:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Catch me in 2026.

• 25:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Raina popped a bottle when RFK got confirmed.

• 25:51Rayna Greenberg?

  Hypothetically.

• 25:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  What is that? Get it loser, we're getting polio.

• 25:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Again, we laugh because what are you gonna do?

• 25:58Rayna Greenberg?

  What are you gonna do, buddy?

• 25:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Cry?

• 26:00Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm excited that you like this topic because I was like.

• 26:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Of course I do. I'm like, so my fiance said, has anyone ever called you a hypochondriac? And I was like, that's not the right word.

• 26:11Rayna Greenberg?

  I just like to complain about stuff.

• 26:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hypochondriac is you always think something's wrong with you.

• 26:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Finished and I'll give you my thoughts on you.

• 26:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. It was about the cutting boards. It was about the air quality, all of that. Like that was kind of at a high for a moment. I was really, I was feeling panicky about, I mean, we don't know what was in the air and it was really, it was a 150. Like it was, it was bad. It was scary. It was smoky. It was ashy, whatever. And then I got in this cutting board thing, whatever. So he said that and he said it in like a totally a kind, gentle, loving way. But I was like, I clapped back. First of all, it's a wrong word. Google it. Have I ever like, thought I was sick when I wasn't? I'm not a hypochondriac. But like, I don't know the word for what he meant, where you just are like constantly like worrying about like adverse health effects or whatever.

• 26:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Health is very important to you. It's like tantamount. And I actually, I don't think you're a hypochondriac at all. I just, I think when you, when you're like, this thing is happening, I think you put all of your energy and resources into Googling it, understanding it, having it addressed. You don't want it to go on for a long time. If your knee hurts for a little bit, you kick it 10 steps down the road. You're like, what if I have to get my knee amputated if I don't take care of it today? I mean, we're just, we're a few steps away from doing that. I, I don't know what the word is. You take it very seriously. And I don't know, that's a bad thing. It's your body.

• 27:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  I just get a little worked up and I do sometimes have to like calm myself down. I mean, again, he was like, we don't need titanium cutting boards. I'm like, you're right. You know, like I, I can be rational. I do worry about our health. I mean, my health is just so important and I do think we have problems here in this country, clearly with health and what's in our food. And I worry about it. My nephews, everything, the environment, our climate, all that stuff. But like, you can only worry so much. You gotta go about your life.

• 27:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't think you're a hypochondriac. I just say, I think you like, this thing is happening and you become like hyper focused on like, how do I fix this? It's only about you and your body, by the way. It's not about like other people.

• 28:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh yeah. I don't police other people. You do you.

• 28:03Rayna Greenberg?

  The air quality thing was really scary. Sometimes it's like a 20 here, like after it rains. And then two weeks ago, that weekend was like at 115. I didn't leave the house.

• 28:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it's really bad. And so like, I was talking to a doctor about it of like, You can use 50, you kind of has that gauge. But again, the whole thing was like, we don't know everything that burned down. Cars burned, houses burned, like all that stuff's blowing over here. So, anyway.

• 28:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, I would like to validate, not a hypochondriac.

• 28:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Not the right word.

• 28:29Rayna Greenberg?

  Me, what is the word for your arm could be hanging off and you'd still be like, I'll go to work. First, I worked in restaurants my whole life.

• 28:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Raw dog.

• 28:38Rayna Greenberg?

  It's type B energy.

• 28:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 28:39Rayna Greenberg?

  I have gotten on stage when I feel sick, I'll go to work when I don't feel good. Not contagious, not feel, but like, I'll push through most things and I don't care that much. Most of the time, I'm like, is this a problem or is it just being alive? We'll chalk it up to being alive.

• 28:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. For me, it just depends on what the ailment is. I feel like I can push through and I've obviously never canceled a show in my life, but nausea, forget it. Pregnant women who have morning sickness, how do you live?

• 29:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't, I don't understand.

• 29:09Ashley Hesseltine?

  The tiniest bit of nausea, I'm, I can't come. And I don't get nauseous, nausea, I'd rather have a broken limb.

• 29:16Rayna Greenberg?

  I know you would.

• 29:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  Nause- I could throw up right now thinking about just a time I've been nauseous.

• 29:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Pregnant women just deal with that shit every day.

• 29:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I can't believe they get pregnant and they go to work. It's crazy to me.

• 29:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like pregnant women are just sitting there at work, like.

• 29:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 29:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Doing spreadsheets.

• 29:35Rayna Greenberg?

  Some dumb man is telling you what to do and you're like, I'm trying to grow a person and not throw up.

• 29:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right.

• 29:39Rayna Greenberg?

  At work.

• 29:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  You have all my admiration.

• 29:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, you're the strongest people.

• 29:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 29:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Stronger than I could ever be.

• 29:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, let's talk about fetishes. So we just saw this, saw this thing and it said the most searched fetishes in your state. And they put it on Mashable, but it says clips for sale, is that a porn site? Has released its United States of fetish. The United States is divided politically, but what about fetish preference? As it turns out, we're pretty divided on that too. And of course, you guys know we're not in the business of kink shaming. Whatever you guys want to explore on the internet or get involved in legally, consensually, ethically, you know, we don't care. But we just thought some of these things were very funny and we didn't even know about a lot of them. So we just wanted to discuss like a lightweight.

• 30:20Rayna Greenberg?

  There's some one offs that only exist in one state. There's quite a few of those. And then there's one that dominated the list.

• 30:27Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh my God, and I don't even know.

• 30:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I'll tell you what it is.

• 30:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, so how do they know people are searching fetishes? Because Wyoming just searched CPR. What if they're just trying to give CPR?

• 30:37Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, is it based on a porn site?

• 30:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, yeah, I guess so.

• 30:40Rayna Greenberg?

  Like CPR is funny. Well, CPR probably means what? It's not erotic asphyxiation?

• 30:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  CPR is like a life-saving technique.

• 30:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Maybe they're turned on by the erotic asphyxiation and they need to get CPR.

• 30:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, I'm really into Kansas, Louisiana, and Maine face-sitting.

• 30:57Rayna Greenberg?

  It's funny because I didn't know that that was a fetish, but I guess it is. Fart. Fart had one, Idaho and Virginia. Delaware is the only one in here being gagged. Delaware.

• 31:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Gagged. But also, do you think Delaware is just searching? Like, what does it mean when you're gagged? Like, what do the kids mean when they say it?

• 31:13Rayna Greenberg?

  I think it's a porn site.

• 31:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, okay.

• 31:15Rayna Greenberg?

  This one I did not think would chart so high. Giantess. Meaning just big, big.

• 31:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  What?

• 31:21Rayna Greenberg?

  Big people.

• 31:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh.

• 31:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Large.

• 31:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just plus-size porn? Is that really all it means?

• 31:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Just large people.

• 31:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, like superhuman size? Giants. Like the Hulk or like Superwoman or like Godzilla?

• 31:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  A female giant.

• 31:38Rayna Greenberg?

  A female giant, and this is pretty popular.

• 31:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 31:41Rayna Greenberg?

  This is very popular. So Arizona, DC, Indiana, New York, New Jersey, and Tennessee, the most searched fetish.

• 31:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Giant woman. If you're a tall woman, move to those states. You're what people want.

• 31:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Men are like, I just want someone to hold me. All right, here's one I don't know, and we're going to look it up together. Smotherbox.

• 32:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  I was just looking at that. Maryland. Maryland with smotherbox.

• 32:03Rayna Greenberg?

  Smother? Okay, what do you think it means before I tell you?

• 32:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Smotherbox? My visual is of face-sitting. But that's just you're smothering with your box.

• 32:13Rayna Greenberg?

  So I Googled smotherbox fetish, and the first thing that comes up is Etsy. So you're like, what in the world is this?

• 32:23Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, you guys can look it up. It is a box that looks like people insert their head into it and someone sits on, it looks like a toilet seat.

• 32:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 32:30Rayna Greenberg?

  And someone sits down on top.

• 32:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 32:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Basically, your pussy, your penis, your balls are just like hanging down on top of their face.

• 32:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is insane.

• 32:37Rayna Greenberg?

  You're smothered by their box.

• 32:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  The fact that this is on Etsy, this is people's crafts.

• 32:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is artisanal smother boxes. It says, and everything says, smotherbox queening chair. And then here's one that's like femdom oral pleasure chair. So it's BDSM gear. Like you throw it in the category with like whips and chains and handcuffs and all that stuff.

• 32:58Rayna Greenberg?

  People have like smotherbox stores on Etsy. I did not know you could sell this kind of stuff.

• 33:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  This one is $500. But like right next to that is like a leather muzzle.

• 33:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, no, people are gonna need to know what their state. I'll just run through a few. So Utah is balloon. Fucking weirdos, I'm kidding. I'll see you guys in Salt Lake. Bring your balloons. Ball busting is Connecticut and Illinois. Biting is Iowa.

• 33:22Rayna Greenberg?

  Wait, ball busting, because for me, I just like get made fun of.

• 33:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. It means like you bust.

• 33:27Rayna Greenberg?

  You like squeeze their balls.

• 33:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Biting is Iowa. Breast expansion is Montana. We can't Google all these, you guys do it. Okay.

• 33:39Rayna Greenberg?

  I thought it was boob jobs, but it's not.

• 33:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  It sounds like it's like the smotherbox for boobs. Chastity is Nebraska.

• 33:47Rayna Greenberg?

  I actually thought that this would be larger. I thought that more people would be into that.

• 33:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. CPR is Wyoming, but again, they might just be looking at life-saving techniques. Kentucky, fucking freaks, diaper.

• 33:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm kidding.

• 33:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't have to Google that one.

• 34:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  West Virginia is Ebony. Oregon.

• 34:03Rayna Greenberg?

  You guys are crazy.

• 34:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Enema.

• 34:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Raina, you love that.

• 34:10Rayna Greenberg?

  An enema fetish? No, I use anal suppositories and it's been a long time.

• 34:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Also, I need to take this moment to plug my tour. So I'm gonna theme every city. So I am coming to Portland, Oregon. I'm theming every city with their fetish. So get tickets, ash house.com. Face sitting, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine. Fart, Idaho, Virginia, gag, Delaware, giantess, we said. Minnesota, hog tie.

• 34:31Rayna Greenberg?

  That makes sense to me.

• 34:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Those sweet Minneapolis people?

• 34:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  They want to be tying people up with their hands and their feet?

• 34:40Rayna Greenberg?

  It's funny, latex is New Mexico. Pantyhose, Ohio. And I actually had a guy in Ohio ask me to tie his balls up.

• 34:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  No, that guy was from Ohio.

• 34:49Rayna Greenberg?

  We were in Ohio having sex.

• 34:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  He knew the assignment.

• 34:52Rayna Greenberg?

  He wasn't from Ohio.

• 34:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  But he was like, I know what they do here.

• 34:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, this is interesting. Alabama, pedal. Like pedal on a bike. I don't know.

• 35:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  But it must mean something.

• 35:02Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you think it means like your feet and your vagina get like sweaty? People are into like smelly feet and smelly vagina.

• 35:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Also, I don't want to leave out any states. New Hampshire is also pantyhose.

• 35:11Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. Alaska, sissy.

• 35:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Is that like sissy porn? Like you're like a little bitch? I kind of just like that we're guessing.

• 35:18Rayna Greenberg?

  That's my guess. Socks, Wisconsin. You'd do great in Wisconsin. You'd love to sleep in a sock.

• 35:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  I have sex in socks a lot.

• 35:25Rayna Greenberg?

  That's insane.

• 35:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  It's supposed to give you a better orgasm.

• 35:27Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 35:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Study show. Seriously.

• 35:30Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, I get hot.

• 35:31Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Maryland, smotherbox. Smoking is Rhode Island. Are these all certified as fetish searches?

• 35:37Rayna Greenberg?

  I guess. Smoke. What? All right.

• 35:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mississippi, you guys need to be arrested. Tape.

• 35:48Rayna Greenberg?

  Do you think people are going like tape porn? Like, I guess it's like being tied up.

• 35:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  It feels like you're trying to tape someone's mouth shut and put them in the trunk of your car.

• 35:55Rayna Greenberg?

  This one delightful. Tickling.

• 35:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  The fact that it's Florida and Texas. That's all they're allowed to do sexually. Women are like, we won't be able to have sex soon. It'll be against the law.

• 36:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Don't be gay there.

• 36:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 36:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Right. Don't be non-binary or trans.

• 36:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. They're like, sex out of wedlock is about to be illegal, so all we can do is tickle. You can't get pregnant tickling because you can't get an abortion. Okay, Florida, Pennsylvania, Texas, and Washington. That's funny because like Washington is.

• 36:25Rayna Greenberg?

  As a Pennsylvania resident, former resident, I've, no one's ever tickled me. Right. The way I would elbow somebody. So the number one on this list, I think it's pronounced vor, V-O-R-E, and I'll read you the definition. It's army hammer coded. So it's a fetish characterized by the erotic desire to be consumed by or to personally consume another person or creature, or an erotic attraction to the process of eating in general. Eating in general practice. I mean, it's like army hammer. It's like wanting to like eat somebody or be eaten or like be mutilated in some way and tattooed. It's the number one fetish of all these. Arkansas, California, Georgia, Hawaii, Michigan, Missouri, Nevada, Vermont.

• 37:10Rayna Greenberg?

  All of you guys, big four fetishes.

• 37:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Hawaii, I didn't see that coming.

• 37:13Rayna Greenberg?

  South Dakota is just wedgie.

• 37:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wedgie. People have wedgie fetishes. Did you know, one of our friends, like, when she was an OnlyFans, some guy requested a wedgie video?

• 37:23Rayna Greenberg?

  Of her just getting a wedgie?

• 37:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  So she had her friend come over and give her a wedgie.

• 37:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Like a sexual wedgie?

• 37:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, to him, it was sexual, but they were like laughing. And it was like one of the funniest things they've done, like to bond. And I don't think he ever paid.

• 37:35Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 37:37Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, and lastly, we have Colorado, Massachusetts, North Carolina, and South Carolina. So all the Carolinas, North Dakota and Oklahoma, wrestling.

• 37:47Rayna Greenberg?

  My dad's into wrestling.

• 37:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  As a fetish?

• 37:49Rayna Greenberg?

  Waving wrestling.

• 37:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, he's in Pennsylvania, so he's gonna be tickling.

• 37:59Rayna Greenberg?

  He's gonna be tickling.

• 38:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  This is ridiculous.

• 38:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Actually, my dad's out of Florida right now, and it's funny because Florida's tickling too. He only follows the tickles.

• 38:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 38:09Rayna Greenberg?

  My dad will only go to a state where he can get tickled. Wait, he lived in Texas. Wait, Ashley, tickling is Florida, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

• 38:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Your dad is like, yeah.

• 38:17Rayna Greenberg?

  He's following the tickles.

• 38:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  King of the tickles.

• 38:21Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 38:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  I'm a real tickle monster.

• 38:23Rayna Greenberg?

  All right, well, if you guys want to get tickled, hit up Bill Greenberg.

• 38:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, my God.

• 38:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't really, like, for as sexual as I am, I don't have, like, fetishes, per se, that, like, I don't want to say like I'm so boring, but like, I don't have like super out of the box fetishes, I guess.

• 38:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 38:38Rayna Greenberg?

  And I would talk about it if I did.

• 38:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I think most of the stuff I'm into is just like in line with what's common. And that's not, again, like, shaming. I think this stuff is super interesting.

• 38:47Rayna Greenberg?

  We have a great episode coming up about sex appeal. So with Shambu Dram, which I'm very excited about. And she has a masterclass coming out. She'll be on the show next week.

• 38:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay. Well, we are just going to talk about our partners and then we will get into our topic today. I am telling you guys about Hungry Root. So I love this so much and I've been loving it even more. I now have a roommate and so we cook together a lot. So it's really great to get our Hungry Root and just pick what we want for the week. And yes, for dinners, but even just like what we want for snacks and for breakfast foods and for little sweet treats. So I really, really love it. It's the easiest way to eat healthy. Again, we were talking about health today. So really, I do trust them when it comes to that. Hungry Root is like having a personal nutritionist. They take care of the stressful meal planning each week by recommending delicious recipes tailored to your taste, nutrition preferences, and health goals. You can really just plan with them. They'll give you personalized recommendations

• 39:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  and you can fill your cart with top-quality meat and seafood, free of hormones and antibiotics. There is no high-fructose corn syrup, artificial sweeteners, or preservatives in any of Hungry Root's foods. And then all Hungry Root's recipes can be made in just 15 minutes or less. I love that. I really just, I did that last night. I made a meal. It was like literally 15 minutes start to finish. Like I just, that's, that's my sweet spot. And with over 15,000 recipes shipped each week, there's something for every taste and nutrition preference. So you can really just get in there and see what you want. Again, you can get all of your food in any type of meal category, but also these incredible meal kits. And I've gotten like tacos and again, they have seafood. They have great seafood, like chicken dishes, and you can do burgers and just, you know, proteins with sides. And

• 40:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  then they have like pre-made meals too, like a chicken pad Thai and like salmon, sandwiches, breakfast foods, all that kind of stuff. So we just really love it. It's such a game changer, amazing variety. And you guys are going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box plus a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com/gge and use code GGE. That's hungryroot.com/gge, code GGE to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. hungryroot.com/gge, code GGE.

• 40:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. And this is a PSA for anyone who rents. If you haven't heard of Bilt, you're about to thank us. Earning points on rent is now a reality when you pay your rent through Built. You don't even have to check with your landlord to start earning points that you can use towards flights, hotel stays, fitness classes, and even your next rental payment. Let us break it down for you. So there's no cost to join Bilt. As a member, you'll earn valuable points on rent and on your everyday spending. Build points can be transferred to your favorite hotels and airlines and even the ones you haven't heard of. There are over 500 airlines and 700,000 hotels and properties around the world you can redeem your Build points towards. Points can be redeemed towards a future rent payment and unique experiences that only Build members can access. So if you're not earning points on rent, my question is, why not start earning points on rent

• 41:42Rayna Greenberg?

  you're already paying by going to joinbilt.com/gge. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T.com/gge. Make sure to use our URL so you know that we sent you. joinbilt.com/gge to start earning points on your rent payments today.

• 41:56Ashley Hesseltine?

  So last night at my yoga class, they had a little sign on the door that said Build, like they accepted.

• 42:00Rayna Greenberg?

  I saw it on the door at Walgreens yesterday when I was picking up my photos.

• 42:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  I know. I love it. I was like, oh, that's awesome. That's good to know. Okay. And I'm telling you guys about Symbiotica. Again, we talked about health just a few moments ago, and I think this is really something you can do that's so quick and easy daily is to get involved in Symbiotica and specifically their liposomal vitamin C, which I am obsessed with, but I'm going to tell you about a couple of other products too. But just to kick it off, this is just this little liquid packet. I squirt it right into my mouth. It is going to give you that vitamin C hit, the citrus vanilla flavor. It tastes so, so good. And it's just going to go down the hatch, you know, like in seconds. And it is going to be your 1,000 milligrams of vitamin C. It's going to support healthy aging, boost collagen production, support a healthy immune system. And I mean, the thing I think some people don't think about is they only want to do these things when they start to feel sick.

• 42:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know, like if you do these things every day, you won't get sick as much. I mean, I haven't been sick in a long time, but it's very like stay ready so you don't have to get ready. So if you're always just keeping your immune system up, you're just going to feel better all around. You're going to fight off any chance that you might actually get sick or just even feeling sluggish. And I just love all their products so much. I can't hype this enough. I've been turning everyone on to it. I mean, again, the liposomal vitamin C. There is a liposomal vitamin B12 and B6. That's going to support your cellular energy and mood. There is a magnesium supplement that's going to enhance memory, focus, and learning. So they really have everything. Just go to their site. You can shop by bestsellers, shop by benefit, and you can also subscribe and save, which we love too. Symbiotica is one of the most trustworthy brands out there. They never compromise on

• 43:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  quality and sourcing. Their products are free from seed oils, preservatives, toxins, or artificial additives. It's something you can taste and feel in every packet. So go to symbiotica.com/girlsgottoeat for 20% off plus free shipping. That's symbiotica.com/girlsgottoeat to claim 20% off plus free shipping today. And I will spell it C Y M B I O T I K A dot com slash girlsgottoeat.

• 43:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. I'm very excited about today's topic.

• 43:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 43:58Rayna Greenberg?

  So we want to talk about sort of lies that you tell your partner. And we focus more on white lies. We had an episode about a year ago about like pathological lying and cheating and things like that. So this is like a little different.

• 44:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  A little lighter.

• 44:10Rayna Greenberg?

  But we polled our audience and the answers were just incredible about what you lie about, why you lie, and where's the line? And I don't know if you remember this, why we started talking about this. I was reading this book. It's called In Five Years by Rebecca Sable. We both read it. And there's a line in the book where the main character just says like, she was going to get Botox and she's like, I'd never tell my partner he would kill me if I did that. And I was like, it's not, nothing against the writer. I see, you see this all the time. I have girlfriends that tell me this all the time. Like, my partner would kill me if he knew I did Botox.

• 44:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, we've heard it.

• 44:41Rayna Greenberg?

  A lot.

• 44:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 44:42Rayna Greenberg?

  And I, I think that's pretty common. And I, it struck me because I was like, relying to our partners about like, pretty common medical procedures.

• 44:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. Anti-aging.

• 44:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. And it's not a major surgery.

• 44:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 44:53Rayna Greenberg?

  So it got us thinking.

• 44:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  I have so many different, I don't even know what avenue to go down when it comes to this. I mean, I'd love to just kick it off with this.

• 44:59Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, can I tell you something?

• 45:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 45:01Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay. So I had started doing research about how often we lie to our partners, which most studies say one to two times a day, mostly white lies.

• 45:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  And that is what Drew Curtis, who was the guest that we had on this episode, said, that you like, lie every day.

• 45:14Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes. So I want to talk to you about what a lie is and what people's relationship to the truth is. But also I did a little research about what do people commonly lie about, or the most common categories, and our audience fell directly into these. So... We'll break these down, but I just want to tell you what the six are. So finances and little things like how much you spend on coffee every week, how much it costs. Social activities, so your friends, who you're going out with, how long you spend somewhere. Appearance, which we saw come up a lot, so botox, GLP-1s, things like that. Emotional state, so I had a bad day today. Past relationships, I slept with my friend or I slept with your friend. And then the last one, substance use. So how often you're drinking or doing drugs. The only additional one that I really saw from our listeners a lot was sex and pleasure. So how often are you masturbating? How much are you watching porn?

• 45:58Rayna Greenberg?

  Things like that that came up quite a bit.

• 46:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  I really don't lie to my fiance a lot, like even the little white lies. I hold it like in the highest, like honesty is so important to me. I think the main thing I lie about to you, to friends, whatever it is, is like, why I'm late.

• 46:18Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 46:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  But you know, and it's usually not that far off. Like, it's just like, I'm leaving and maybe I haven't left. I mean, it's just, I don't, again, I think this is something that we all do, traffic was bad, like whatever. I'm not, it's not, doesn't feel so insidious, you know, and I obviously am always trying to improve. But I don't, I don't know, I'm not trying to be on my, on a high horse. I just, it's really important to me. I don't want him to be doing little white lies once or twice a day, and I don't want to either, and I don't really have anything to lie to him about. Like, I don't even know what I would. Like, I'm really, you know, thinking of what I would lie to him about. Like, he knows everything I do to my body and my face and, you know, I really like our honest relationship.

• 47:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  And I'm not shaming anybody, you know, it's normal to have those little white lies. So I, we want to open this conversation with kind of like, we're not attacking anybody for the way that they live their life and the way they interact with their partner or their friends or their family or whoever. But as we discuss this, maybe you think about why you're doing certain things and what that means about your relationship, and that's it.

• 47:22Rayna Greenberg?

  So I guess it depends on, I read a lot about this, about like, what do you think about lying to your partner? And what I learned in this is a lot of people have different definitions of what a lie is, and how much harm is this going to cause, and a different relationship to their partner. Because a lot of this comes from, and we'll talk about why people do this, but a lot of this comes from shame and judgment and past habits that you're embarrassed to share with somebody, feeling like... You're a burden to other people and not wanting to share your feelings about something. I mean, this all comes from like, you know, outside and you and I have also been doing this for a long time. And so you have a good ability to discuss your feelings and what you're thinking and, and ask for sort of a state of the union and take a temperature with your partner in a way that's probably different than the average person.

• 48:05Rayna Greenberg?

  But it's interesting because like I was reading on like Reddit specifically and people were like, I would never lie. I would absolutely, but other people are like, well, little things here and there to spare somebody's feelings. Totally fine. Or to not ruin somebody's day. Like you might walk in the door and he's had a day and you've had a day. And he's like, how was your day? And you just kind of, you just omit a little bit. You just don't want to get into it.

• 48:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, and it does, this is not to be about me. It's going to be applicable to whatever that I'm like brutal honesty. You know, like I do think like if your partner cooked a meal that was not the best thing you've ever had. Maybe it need a little more something, something. You don't tell them. I don't know. Like if it's inedible. But like, that's an example, I guess of it being like, babe, this is not about you. But like something that they're like cooked for you and they're proud of and you're like, it could have used some, you don't say it.

• 48:54Rayna Greenberg?

  I'd love to hang out with your parents. It sounds great. You know, like some people are like,

• 48:58Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, yeah.

• 48:59Rayna Greenberg?

  That's a lie and I would never lie. And it's like, even if you think you would never lie, you lie. You lie to make somebody's day a little bit easier, to not hurt their feelings, to not make somebody feel judged. It's not a pervasive like, I fucked my best friend and they're around us all the time.

• 49:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Huge spectrum. Yeah.

• 49:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, there's a huge spectrum. So I find it really interesting. Some people are just like, never, ever would I lie. And it's like, well, what do you consider a lie?

• 49:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, I've never been really explicit about money with any partner. But I am a little more private in general. Like I think if there's one thing, it's maybe like also maybe what certain stuff costs. You know, like, and I think guys are sometimes shocked. Like we were in the Grove last weekend and I bought some stuff in Charlotte Tilbury. And he was like floored by how much like the face cream costs. Also I buy the big giant one. But he was like, what the fuck? But he, it was with no judgment. He knows I make money. You know, like we're not sharing a bank account. Or my money's his money. And we can talk about that too. But I think if there's anything that I may be less transparent about, it's money. But I'm just more private about money.

• 50:08Rayna Greenberg?

  There's a huge scale between I get coffee four days a week and he doesn't really want me to and financial infidelity. Like, I'm lying about debt, I'm hiding all these bags, we can't really afford it, I'm gambling. Like pathology is different to me. Like, I think we all lie to our partners a little bit to just like make the day go better, not hurt somebody's feelings. And it's different to feel like I've been lied to and robbed of my autonomy to react to something. Because I think we like lie to our partners to make the soften a blow a little bit or something, you know? How many women have asked their partners, like, did I get fat? And they lie to you a little bit? Or we lied to our partner a little bit? But I don't want to feel like I've been like robbed of the ability to make a decision about something because you've decided that I can't handle it.

• 50:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 50:53Rayna Greenberg?

  You know?

• 50:53Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, we can talk about like the botox and stuff. So for me, if I were to ever little white lie to him, it would be more to spare his feelings and not because I ever feel judged by him. He lets me live, that's our relationship. I don't feel like I need to keep up any sort of appearance. Like, he doesn't care what I spend on stuff. Like, I just don't feel judged. And I think he like loves me inside out for who I am. And when it comes to the botox stuff, I think there are a few different reasons. I can think of one couple and I'm, I think the reason is she wants him to think she's just aging naturally, beautifully, not aging, basically.

• 51:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally.

• 51:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  And that's that. I can think of another couple that he just doesn't understand the different types of injectables. And some men hear botox and they think it's filler. And if you sat them down and explained what it was, like, again, yes, there's a difference between a needle to the face and anti-aging cream. But there's not that much distance between the two. This is just an anti-aging thing that's very common. They think big lips and their, your face is going to change. And I understand that. Like, I would want to know if my partner was going to go to the doctor and come home looking a lot different.

• 52:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally. And I would invite people like that to just dig a little deeper. And if somebody says like, I don't want you to get Botox. Well, why? It's gonna change your face. Well, why do you think it is? Because I don't like the way your face could look. Well, I am getting Botox now. Do you like the way it looks now?

• 52:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, yeah. And then I guess the other thing is money. And I guess those are the three reasons. And like, are you sharing money? Is it his money? Is it her money? That there's that too. But what do you think about not wanting your partner to know you're aging? I mean, I don't want to be in that relationship. I don't want to be scared to age.

• 52:36Rayna Greenberg?

  I really share a lot, you and I both. We just like, God forbid you and I had a thought we didn't think was worth sharing. I mean, I can't imagine doing anything for an hour and coming home and not telling somebody. Even one day, like, you and I had dinner. It was very funny. I feel we had dinner somewhere and then I heard you talking to your partner the next day. And you said something about how good the restaurant was. And I was like, you didn't tell him yet? Like, I can't imagine you or I, like, experiencing anything and not, like, rushing home. Also, yes, there's an addition of, like, I'm paying for it. So like, you don't really have a right to say anything to me about what I've done to my body that I'm paying for. You can have a preference. Sure. You can, if I had said I'm gonna go from a D cup to an A cup, you are welcome to have a preference.

• 53:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Chopping your hair off?

• 53:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Yes, coloring your hair.

• 53:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  And a lot of people don't subscribe to that. They're like, I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want at all times. I would want to know if my partner was, again, making huge changes to their appearance. I would just want a heads up.

• 53:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Shaving their beard.

• 53:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Stuff like.

• 53:27Rayna Greenberg?

  That's crazy.

• 53:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Wait, I don't, I can't.

• 53:29Rayna Greenberg?

  I know.

• 53:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Stuff in my nightmares.

• 53:30Rayna Greenberg?

  The thing that came up, probably the most, one of the most in our audience's appearance. So definitely when you get Botox and other aesthetic treatments, weight loss assistance. So GLP-1s, a lot of people said I am on them. I lied to my partner about them. Dieting and exercise, so pretending that you are dieting and exercising.

• 53:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  But why? Like, again, like, I just gotta dig in deeper. You know, like, I'm thinking, every one of you listening, you're one of my close girlfriends. And like, you're asking me advice. And I'm asking you to take a deeper look at why. The thing that pisses me off most, and we'll, we can just, we can just close that conversation, is guys that want to tell you to not do this stuff. And they don't even fucking know what it is. You don't know, you don't know what it is. You think it's filler. It's not. Like, it's just like, educate them. And like, if they still are like, well, I just don't like it. I don't, this is, I don't, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not saying break up with him. But like, I just think of a married couple I know. And like, he has always been anti, and she does it behind his back. And like, he doesn't know the difference. Again, like you said, like, well, I've been, I've been getting it.

• 54:25Rayna Greenberg?

  I guess I could see a world in which a lot of couples are like. It doesn't matter if I like, he doesn't like it and it's not worth talking about it.

• 54:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay, that's also fair.

• 54:34Rayna Greenberg?

  You know, like, I don't need to explain this.

• 54:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's true. Yeah, exactly. Like, is he gonna catch you and divorce you? Like, you could be like, I've been getting it and you ain't been knowing, you know, like, so I do think you're right. It could be one of those things where like, he doesn't get it and that's fine and you're gonna spend money on it. And I do think that's like a solution also. Like, it's fine. Just keep doing what you're doing. But the, the GLP-1 stuff, again, like, I don't have any judgment on why you would wanna keep that from somebody, but it feels like such a big decision in your life. And maybe not, maybe you don't think of it that way, but like, that was a big decision you decided to make. And like, it feels like you'd wanna share your part, your journey with your partner.

• 55:12Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a tough, that one's tough, cuz so many people are on them. And if my partner was injecting something into their body, self-injecting, once a week and it's prescribed by a doctor, I do think I'd wanna know, just cuz I love you and this is not a long time-tested medication on people that don't have diabetes. But I understand the shame around telling people that you're doing that.

• 55:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and I guess there's two camps. You have been doing it and then they come in. And then I get it. I guess I'm like, you're in a committed, long-term relationship and you make that decision. It just feels like you'd, I want my partner to know I was making that decision. I'd want their support. People have various emotional experiences with it, you know, and it's just like, you're hiding it from them. That just bums me out, I guess, but everybody's got their own reasoning.

• 56:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think there's a lot of shame, obviously, around weight loss and probably people have turned to that, have like tried a million other things. And so I, I get it, but I guess for me, if my partner was injecting something into their body, I'd wanna know. And if you live with somebody, how do I not know? Cuz it's, it's refrigerated. So like, the lengths that you're going to to hide it, I would hope you would feel comfortable telling me.

• 56:20Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right, right. Yeah, you gotta hide it. You'd really have to hide it. Like, you got a secret fridge somewhere?

• 56:24Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 56:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  The working out and the, I don't know. I had a partner that like, I...

• 56:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Just thought he was so unhealthy and he always complained about like his body and stuff. So it was like, it did kind of affect our relationship in the way that he felt about his body. But then he would like go get fast food and not work out and all that stuff. So it did affect our relationship. I'm not breathing down someone's neck like you need to be hotter, you know? But it was just like, I did start to feel like I wanted him to be healthier for his own self and for the sake of their relationship and his mental state. And so I'm sure there were times when he lied to me or felt the need to lie to me. It's like that judgment, but like you gotta ask yourself, why do you feel like your partner is judging your, your body?

• 57:08Rayna Greenberg?

  I think to me, this, the weight loss thing is, we had a great episode a couple of years ago with James Clear, talking about Atomic Habits and why people know something's good for them, but can't stick to it. And dieting came up a lot and, you know, it's hard to stick to it because it is natural and comfortable to stick to what is normal to you. And I think you make these big proclamations, we all do, to resolve to lose weight and we tell our partner and we're excited and we're proud and you make a big deal about it. They make a big deal about it and then you reneg on it.

• 57:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  You're embarrassed, yeah.

• 57:35Rayna Greenberg?

  And it's like so embarrassing, it shouldn't be. Weight loss is super fucking hard and deciding to like not eat carbs in lieu of like a vegetable, very hard. But I think a lot of shame around like complaining about your body and not liking it, feeling self-loathing and then being like, but I reneged on this thing I promised, you know? And so a lot of people said like, I, there's people that said, I tell my partner I'm a vegan, but I eat dairy in private. That came up a bunch. A lot of snacking, a lot of just like, I run and have snacks when they're not around, which I thought was funny. Definitely like I say, I'm working out, but I'm not. The only problem I have that I say with I'm working out, I'm not, is if you tell me that you're at a place and you weren't there.

• 58:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 58:14Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't like that.

• 58:15Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 58:15Rayna Greenberg?

  That's a real lot of it.

• 58:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Again, I just want to know the reason. Like you said, there's like this internal shame. They don't care. They could care less. That's on you. Or you feel like you need to look a certain way for them and like they are breathing down your neck to like be thin and hot or whatever it is, you know? Which that's not a great dynamic.

• 58:34Rayna Greenberg?

  No.

• 58:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  That you want to feel like you can't ever relax and be yourself and look how you want to look.

• 58:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 58:39Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know?

• 58:40Rayna Greenberg?

  So a lighter thing that came up a lot was just grooming in general. Tweezing came up continuously, but like.

• 58:47Ashley Hesseltine?

  What do you, what's the lie?

• 58:48Rayna Greenberg?

  You tell this funny joke. I don't, people should go see your stand up, but you talk about tweezing your chin. And like, people just maybe don't want to know, like, that your partner, that your partner know you tweeze your chin, or your nipple hair.

• 58:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, this comes up a lot.

• 59:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 59:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, you're like, did they ask? Why is there a lie? Like, is your partner like, did you tweeze your nipple hair today? You know, like, I don't think you ever need to bring it up or lie about it.

• 59:10Rayna Greenberg?

  Also true.

• 59:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Don't ask, don't tell.

• 59:12Rayna Greenberg?

  Also true. Like, just shut the bathroom door.

• 59:14Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, like, my fiancee caught me plucking a chin hair. Come see my stand up, I'll tell you the whole story about it. Ashs.com. No, so it's just like, it's so funny, but, sorry, I snorted. I'm just, it's funny that that's the lie. Like, can you imagine your man comes home, he's like, what have you been tweezing?

• 59:32Ashley Hesseltine?

  Did you tweeze your chin today?

• 59:34Rayna Greenberg?

  What if you're hooking up and they're like, you had a hair on your nipple yesterday? I know it was there.

• 59:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, then there's nothing to lie about. You're like, well, let me get to that.

• 59:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that a lot of people don't necessarily want their partner to know, like, how the sausage got made.

• 59:45Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yes. If you are bleaching or waxing your mustache, I'm telling him everything but that. I will say that.

• 59:55Rayna Greenberg?

  What if you bleached your butthole?

• 59:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  I think he'd notice.

• 1:00:00Ashley Hesseltine?

  He'd notice on the second week of the month when we do butt stuff. No, I don't know if he would. That's hysterical. You're fucking, he's like, did you bleach your butthole?

• 1:00:10Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like men would never know, because they don't even notice when you dye your hair. So like, what are the odds they would, if a man didn't notice I bleached my hair, but they noticed my butthole was a different color?

• 1:00:18Ashley Hesseltine?

  Well, he is not up close and personal with my butthole in broad daylight. I don't think. There's probably been a time or two.

• 1:00:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. Butt stuff is not for the afternoon, as much. Face, face to butthole.

• 1:00:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  Done doggy in the daylight.

• 1:00:31Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, but face to butthole.

• 1:00:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  He hasn't eaten my butthole, so we'll do it tonight, Valentine's Day.

• 1:00:39Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, I thought this one was interesting, lying about your emotional state. So, a lot of stuff came up about past trauma, which of course, I understand, trauma in general, you need to share that when you're ready, you go to therapy, you figure out how to do that, I understand that. But, a lot of just like, I'm stressed out today and I lied about it. Cause I don't wanna like, burden my partner.

• 1:00:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, you obviously should be able to tell your partner how you're feeling and be vulnerable and let them support you. But, do you just feel like it's been too much lately? Like, what is the reason? Like, are you just like, I don't wanna dump on them today, I've been dumping on them a lot lately, I'm gonna go talk to a friend or a family member. What is the reason? Cause you should feel like you can talk to your partner about what's going on with you. But, I also respect the notion of keeping it in the box sometimes. I also dated someone that just dumped on me constantly. It was every single thing he was going through, I had to hear about and support him and try to fix, and it was too much. So, and you know, bless him, I hope he's doing well, he had a lot going on, and I'm sure it's not the case anymore, but like, he just needed

• 1:01:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  more professional help. I mean, whatever it was, I had to bear the brunt of all of that. So, I wish it would have been a little less.

• 1:01:48Rayna Greenberg?

  It's just kinda like, where's the line? You know, is it like, we both got home, we had a bad day, and I'm just gonna let him have the floor today? Or like, I got home, I was having a bad day, but they're taking care of the kids, and so I'm gonna like, let them have the day off for my issues?

• 1:02:01Ashley Hesseltine?

  Or like, are you complaining about your job every day? You and I say this, like, you gotta get a new job, you know, like, again, it's not so easy. I really do understand, I think it's harder than ever to get a new job, but like, you have to at least be actively trying, if you really hate it that you come home and have to dump about your job every single day. So, I can see where you're like, I can't do it today, I gotta tell her I had an okay day. Or him, you know?

• 1:02:25Rayna Greenberg?

  I think we've, I think, I hope, we've stopped selling girls this lie of the cool girl. And, nothing bothers me, and I'm fine about everything, and I think that that is a very quick slippery slope road into pretending you never feel anything, nothing bothers you, and people only know what you show them. So, then somebody just assumes you're just like, cool with everything, and suddenly you're, not a doormat, but like, you've disappeared in this relationship.

• 1:02:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. I mean, vulnerability brings you closer to anybody. Romantically, platonically, so you have to be vulnerable with your partner. But again, this is just like, what's the motivation? Like, if you really feel like you can't open up to your partner, that's a problem.

• 1:03:02Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a problem, yeah.

• 1:03:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, at all, you know?

• 1:03:05Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  But yeah, I mean, also, sometimes you don't have the energy and it's just gonna be okay. You know, like, there was something that happened professionally recently with us, and it really did, like, bother me. It was something that kind of dominated the day, but like, it was such a long story. And like, I think he did say, like, is everything okay? And I was just like, yeah, and I actually just kind of kept it moving. And I was like, I just don't have the energy to tell the story right now. I think I might have told him later. I think it was, like, eventually I had the energy to be like, oh, this thing happened, and here's how we fixed it or worked it out. But in that moment, it was on my mind, it had been, and then I did let it go. So then I was fine for the rest of the night. We had dinner, we did whatever, but sometimes it's just that.

• 1:03:44Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, I think that that's fine.

• 1:03:46Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:47Rayna Greenberg?

  I think that, like, relationships are just a negotiation all day long, you know? And it's fine. And also, like, it's important to just have a space with your partner where you just feel like, at some point, you feel like you can have the floor if you need it.

• 1:03:57Ashley Hesseltine?

  Of course, of course, yeah.

• 1:03:58Rayna Greenberg?

  I feel like financial stuff, I feel like I would lie about it. So like, it runs the gamut, like, the cost of an item, I think we white lie that this thing was like $40, and it was $80, or how much we buy coffees. But I shop a lot, and I could see a scenario in which a partner would not love that.

• 1:04:13Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but you have a little shame around it.

• 1:04:15Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, that is why I lie about it.

• 1:04:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's the reason. No one should care what you spend. You make your own money, you know, you make plenty of it, you know, so it's not that, it's just like how you, it's that you feel a certain type of way.

• 1:04:27Rayna Greenberg?

  I could also see myself changing a little bit, but my partner said, like, it's time to, like, evaluate how much stuff's in the closets, and how many packages we get every day, and this is not normal. Like, I could probably go to therapy for a shopping addiction. The amount of packages that come and that Tessa returns for me, I mean, it's not normal. And I return a lot, and my girl math of that is like, I'm making money.

• 1:04:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:49Rayna Greenberg?

  And like you said, I make plenty of money. I've never put myself in a financial situation. I have no debt in my life, I have zero debt. But like, if it all went away tomorrow, in 10 years, I would look back and be like, I didn't need all this stuff. That was like a good exercise, when I packed up the house, too, doing LA fires, we left town, and I was like, walking through the rooms, like, this is just crap. Everywhere, just stuff.

• 1:05:11Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:11Rayna Greenberg?

  So I do understand there being a lot of shame around that, especially when your partner is paying for more than you are, or you should be contributing, and you're like, lying about why you can't contribute.

• 1:05:22Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, that's tough. The dynamics are tough there. I mean, I think a dynamic that I don't love, which again, whatever works for you is when you're, all the money is shared. Like, I grew up where my parents obviously had a shared bank account. My mom had her own checking, so did my dad, you know, and that's, my mom took me shopping on that. And like, sometimes it was like, don't tell your dad, you know, like, women should have their own money, you know, but like, again, if you don't make any money, then I don't really know what the answer is. So, I just wouldn't like someone monitoring my spending all the time. So, just for anybody who's listening, like, if you make your own money, don't let someone take that away from you, that you don't have your own bank account in some way, you know, even if you have a shared one, too. I do think that's the setup of like, most couples is shared and then separate, obviously. But, yeah, I mean, when you have a dynamic where

• 1:06:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  one person makes more, and maybe they're spending more on the rent, or on the travel, or whatever it is, and the other person is frivolously spending, it is tough. And it is gonna be tough for the person, not always, but it may be tough for the person spending more, to see that. Cause like, if you can spend it on all this, like, can you give me more for rent? Or can you pay more for the trip? Or like, whatever it is. And how do you avoid that? I mean, it's the same thing as a friend that owes you money, and then you see him on an airplane. You know, it's like that meme of just like, when someone's traveling, and you, like, they owe you money, and they're taking a trip, and you're like the bird on the window, like, tapping. You know, like, it's weird to see.

• 1:06:49Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a bad dynamic. We've done plenty of episodes about money, and it reminds me of our very first episode about money in like, 2018. I was talking about a relationship at that time. I used to have like, psychotic fights with my ex back then.

• 1:06:59Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:00Rayna Greenberg?

  Because I had lent him money. I paid for more stuff.

• 1:07:03Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:04Rayna Greenberg?

  There wasn't such a disparity between us. I mean, I, I made quite a bit more than that, him, but I didn't make that much. He just really didn't make anything.

• 1:07:12Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:12Rayna Greenberg?

  But like, he would buy weed. He would take cabs home at night. Like, he would buy himself shoes, like, a new pair of sneakers. And like, it's not that people aren't entitled to be comfortable and have a comfortable life, but you're not entitled to it when you owe me this volume of money, and you're making no attempt to pay me.

• 1:07:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. And this just, again, cliche as fuck, comes down to communication. You gotta talk about this with your partner, because you will just harbor that resentment, when you're covering more of the financial burden, and they're out buying weed and shoes and cabs. What a life.

• 1:07:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Okay, well, we have three more main buckets. Sex and pleasure. So we can do whole episodes on this, but frequency of masturbation, what type of porn you like, and just generally like things you enjoy in bed, or things like that. I think sex is its own bucket, kind of, about how to communicate intimacy. Like, this to me, I'm like, is it a lie if you say you like something? Or are you just trying to, like, make somebody comfortable?

• 1:08:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:05Rayna Greenberg?

  There's all kinds of issues around porn addiction and online activity. And to me, that's kind of like a separate thing.

• 1:08:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, again, that's the, there is a little bit of a bigger issue there, you know? Like, I don't know. What is the dynamic with the porn and the lying? Is one person bad, or is the other one constantly, how much porn you watch today? How much porn you watch today? Like, or is someone really have a porn addiction? And they gotta lie to you about it, like any other addiction?

• 1:08:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Mm-hmm. Okay, we'll come back to that.

• 1:08:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Okay.

• 1:08:28Rayna Greenberg?

  Past relationships, big one. So lying about you having slept with one of your friends, lying about having slept with one of their friends.

• 1:08:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:37Rayna Greenberg?

  And number of sexual partners.

• 1:08:38Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, number of sexual partners is not their business.

• 1:08:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Never, what is the difference?

• 1:08:43Ashley Hesseltine?

  What's the difference? I mean, I guess, well, you know, I want to know if it's like two.

• 1:08:47Rayna Greenberg?

  If it's too small, I want to know.

• 1:08:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  If it's too small. I mean, I have had more sexual partners than my partner. He knows this. He's not asking for the number. I'm not really asking for his. I don't know, we got a good thing going on. I don't, I always question why you need to know that. But some people really just, they want that info. And it doesn't have to come from, like, a controlling or possessive place. It, you just want to know for whatever reason, I don't know. If someone was really coming at me for that, pestering me for that, I wouldn't, I mean.

• 1:09:20Rayna Greenberg?

  I guess there's just a tone and you know it. Like, some things are just a genuine curiosity. You know, I just, I want to know, have you had a lot of sexual experiences? It's fun for me to hear about it.

• 1:09:29Ashley Hesseltine?

  I don't know. I, I mean, how do these conversations go? They're all case by case, you know? Is someone asking kind of lightly because they're just curious? And you get defensive and you're like, we don't need to know that. And then they're like, is it 500? Like, again, no shame on the number, but I think if you immediately kind of get defensive, they're like, what is it? You know what I mean?

• 1:09:52Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm trying to think about how I've answered in the past. I mean, it's just sort of like,

• 1:09:55Ashley Hesseltine?

  Enough?

• 1:09:56Rayna Greenberg?

  Enough. I don't need, I don't need to talk about it and I don't need you to talk to me about it. Like, it's a two-way street here. I don't need you to tell me.

• 1:10:02Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, like, I think you can talk about your sexual history with your partner. You know, I think that most people I've been with know that I was way more busy sexually in like, college and in my twenties. And this is out there in the open on the podcast and my stand-up and stuff like that. And, you know, then it slowed down and I don't have any wild oats to sow. And I know what I'm doing and that's really it. And I'm not asking for anything from you.

• 1:10:28Rayna Greenberg?

  That's all I care about. Have you had enough experience? Do you feel like you've kind of filled your cup out there in the world?

• 1:10:33Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:33Rayna Greenberg?

  I personally never had any STDs in my life. By the grace of God, I'm a medical miracle. I really spent a lot of years not using condoms. I'm back into condoms now, but,

• 1:10:42Ashley Hesseltine?

  Condoms are back.

• 1:10:43Rayna Greenberg?

  I'm into them. I have never had an STD. I don't currently have an STD. You should share those things with somebody. Otherwise, what's the difference?

• 1:10:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, like, what's the motivation coming from the person that's asking? What is the tone? Are they attacking you? You know, like, or are you just getting defensive unreasonably? Like, are you just having a conversation? You know, if I were to ask my partner, have you ever had an STI? I wouldn't be like, I want to find out if he's completely clean. But maybe someone might be like, I don't want to tell you that. I don't want you to think less of me, but I wasn't asking because I'm judging. I'm just curious. So it's always like, what's the intention?

• 1:11:19Rayna Greenberg?

  Most things are probably right up the middle, right? Like, most things aren't like trying to control you or like being so like silly. You just love it. You want to hear all about their STDs.

• 1:11:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:27Rayna Greenberg?

  Most things are probably just right up the middle. It just comes up in conversation.

• 1:11:30Ashley Hesseltine?

  I mean, like, some of these, I saw one that caught my eye. I had an OnlyFans during COVID. Can they find that out? I don't know. I always worry about like, I understand the reason to want a lot. I don't know if I would, because that seems like something that can be found out later.

• 1:11:47Rayna Greenberg?

  It's tough because like you and I are like unique. Like if anybody just took some time to listen to the podcast, they could find out about anything like I

• 1:11:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's true, yeah.

• 1:11:53Rayna Greenberg?

  I have a really close guy friend. We had a sexual relationship really early on in the beginning. I've talked about this quite a bit. I had a boyfriend who just never asked me if we'd ever hooked up. It never came up and I would like lived in fear of the day that he would be like, have you and so and so ever slept together? Because like at that point, we'd hung out with him like 20 times and you can find out on the podcast that I slept with him. I've mentioned it before a couple of times over the years and that's like one of those things where I like just rolled the dice. But OnlyFans feels like it's like stamped on the internet and you can find out about it pretty easily. And your friends and family can find out about it.

• 1:12:28Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, the whole have slept with a friend before. Didn't we deep dive on this on an episode recently?

• 1:12:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, there was an email from a girl that said that her partner had asked her not to tell. They had some pact together. That he said, I don't want to know about anybody you've slept with in the friend group and vice versa, essentially.

• 1:12:44Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:44Rayna Greenberg?

  And then one of the people that she had slept with had come to this party at their place. And she says, I mean, like her boyfriend said, have you ever hooked up with this guy? And she was like, I didn't really know what to say.

• 1:12:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. And that's case by case. Someone wrote, when another guy texts me to hook up, I mean, if some guy was hitting on me in my DMs or somebody had texted me to hook up, like, I just think that's gonna piss my fiance off. Like, why am I telling him that? Like, why are you, why are you telling him? You don't have to. Well, I don't know what kind of, you know, trust and tell each other everything policy you guys have going on in your relationship. But that's also like omitting something. I don't, I guess there's a word in which they're asking.

• 1:13:23Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a lie through omission and this is like a very gray area because like on the one hand, I'm like, well, you tell your partner and they're probably gonna get a little uncomfortable. And what did you expect? I mean, it's like being like, I cheated on you. Now forgive me. And it's like, well, I'm gonna have a reaction to this. This is not like a good thing. It's not the same. Being DM'd by somebody and cheating on somebody, not the same thing, but. That's like one of those things where you're like, well, I lied to spare their feelings because I know that I'm not going to hook up with this person.

• 1:13:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right. Yeah. Did you just like shut it down or not respond?

• 1:13:54Rayna Greenberg?

  Well, the last bucket of things people lie about that I should tell you is social activities and substance abuse. So obviously, how much you drink and do drugs, smoking, like downplaying that kind of stuff and the frequency of an activity. I guess you could say like the OnlyFans thing kind of fits into here, but that's pretty like common. How often do you drink, go out, things like that?

• 1:14:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Mm hmm. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, a lot of this stuff, it's just like, where is the line? Why are you doing it? And like, how big is it? You know, like, is this something that's going to snowball into something bigger? And then you haven't been honest about it from the start? We ask people, where's the line?

• 1:14:26Rayna Greenberg?

  Where's the line? And I think most people fall kind of in the same camp, which is like if it directly impacts their life, if it's going to be a pervasive issue, if they're going to find out and then never trust me again, kind of thing. Legal stuff, like financial infidelity.

• 1:14:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  Totally, all that stuff. Absolutely.

• 1:14:41Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, there's definitely a pretty, the line is like gray, but I just like know it when I see it. There's like lies that I'm okay with and there's lies that I'm just not. And like once I, you find out about a lie, when, I guess it also depends like how does somebody describe why they did what they did? Like, I felt a tremendous amount of shame around this. I'm, I'm really embarrassed. I feel really uncomfortable sharing this with you. It flat out was none of your business, like trauma.

• 1:15:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, right. Like, like you said, like, does this have anything to do with you or is it just about me? And I think you have to know if it's harmless or not. I think we all know deep down, like, is this harmless truly? Or not? Like, is this something so trivial, it doesn't matter? But I do obviously think honesty is the best policy. I mean, someone wrote, most comes out eventually, so I don't overdo it. And it's just like, that's true. Like, it will come out. You, again, these things like snowball. And like, this isn't, once you start lying, you can't stop. Again, I get, the statistic is that most people tell like one or two white lies every day. But how deep are you going to go with this? You know?

• 1:15:41Rayna Greenberg?

  Totally. And I think that like, when the reason for lying is you want to like, Spare somebody's feelings or not cause them pain. It's like, well, what are we applying this to? Like, you didn't tell them you cheated because you want to spare them and you're cheating all the time. You know, and it's like I said before, I don't want to feel like I was robbed of the ability to react to things. But I guess there are certain things that would upset me and hurt my feelings and I don't need to know. And the DM thing is like a perfect example of like, I don't know, ignorance is bliss. Like, if somebody DM'd my partner and they were like, "You're hot," and he never told me about it. I guess if I find out, I found out, I'd be like, "What the fuck, man?" But like, I don't really need to know that either. It's just gonna make my day feel, it's gonna fuck my day up.

• 1:16:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, I just love our audience. I mean, I love the stuff that they said. Someone said, "Anything past shaving my face." You know, it's like the little embarrassing things, quote unquote embarrassing, whatever. But anything that impacts him emotionally, physically, or financially. And someone wrote something that he'd leave you over. And I don't really know if, how I'm interpreting that, but I wanted to talk about that today, too. Like, that's a reason. Like, you don't tell somebody something because you're afraid they're gonna break up with you or leave you. That, to me, is like, I really would have to know what it is. Because that, to me, feels like something so big that would eventually come out anyway. Like, what would those things be? I don't know. I mean, would that be something you did in your past? I mean, would that be that you had an OnlyFans during COVID? You know, like, is this something you think he would leave you over? I mean, again, it feels like something you did in your past.

• 1:17:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  Like, if it's something really big that you have a bunch of debt, you can't hide that. You know, like, you have to be upfront, honest. Like, that feels like financial infidelity, like hiding something so big like that. Or like, something crazy, illegal from your past, things like that. But are you really scared your partner's gonna leave you if you get Botox? Like, I don't know that you want to be in that relationship, right? Like, they've prohibited you from doing something? You know, are you really scared they're gonna leave you if you don't work out every day? Or if you take Ozempic or whatever it is, you know? So, I guess ask yourself that. Do you want to be with someone that's gonna leave you over this thing that you're hiding from them?

• 1:17:42Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. I mean, I think we all kind of try to spare people's feelings. It depends on how far it goes. Like, I had a partner once ask me, "Have you ever cheated before?" And I decided to be honest. And he made me feel like that was a mistake. I explained him the situation. I explained to him why I did it, when I did it. I was in my early twenties. It was a relationship that did not last very much longer after that. I wasn't proud of him. I always say, you and I always talk about, like, Once a cheater, I was a cheater. No? How do they feel about the cheating? What was the scenario? How do they talk about it now? I thought the way I spoke about it was as though I was ashamed. I wouldn't do it again. He made me feel really bad about it. He had been cheated on in the past by somebody. I think he just applied that to me. And I don't know, I regretted telling him and being honest. And it definitely made me think twice about ever admitting that to another partner.

• 1:18:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, I mean, that was that Love is Blind episode. I forget what season that was, where it just completely like blew up.

• 1:18:32Rayna Greenberg?

  Steven, orange haired Steven told Monica that he had cheated in the past.

• 1:18:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  That's what it was? Okay. Right, yeah. I'm trying to think if I've asked that. I think, I guess I have. I guess we've had that conversation. Like, I guess I technically cheated on somebody when I was 18. You know, like, I think we see a lot of bad behavior in our 20s. We said it before with, you know, our episode with Esther Perel is called Cheating Isn't Black and White. You know, I guess you have to decide if that defines someone's character. But like, to your point, you spoke about it in the appropriate way. I did this thing, I regret it, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do it again. And he never forgot it.

• 1:19:09Rayna Greenberg?

  It changed how he thought about me.

• 1:19:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, it changed how he thought about you.

• 1:19:12Rayna Greenberg?

  I would think about sharing it again. And I can't remember if anybody's ever asked me since then.

• 1:19:17Ashley Hesseltine?

  But it's like he was cheated on. So it was like he, the reason for asking was a projection. And then the way that he viewed you was a projection. Like, that's the tricky thing. Like, that's when those things go really south. Like, someone is asking you because they've been cheated on and they're traumatized from it. And they want to decide if you'll do it.

• 1:19:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:34Ashley Hesseltine?

  And that's not necessarily fair.

• 1:19:36Rayna Greenberg?

  And it feels like you can't put the baby back in the bassinet. Is that the phrase? Can't put the...

• 1:19:44Rayna Greenberg?

  But there's like a bunch of phrases that mean that. You can put a baby back in the bassinet, though.

• 1:19:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Back in the box?

• 1:19:49Rayna Greenberg?

  But you can do that, too.

• 1:19:51Ashley Hesseltine?

  The baby back in the bassinet. You can always put a baby back in a bassinet. It's not like a thing that it comes out.

• 1:19:55Rayna Greenberg?

  Like, after you take sheets out of the box, it's a box.

• 1:19:59Rayna Greenberg?

  It's like, I would feel really bad lying about it to somebody, but like, once I tell them, is it gonna change how you think about me forever? And like, this is this thing I did when I was 25 years old. Like, it was a couple of years ago. So, don't punish me for my experiences two years ago.

• 1:20:16Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, and again, like, did it define your life in any way? Like, is it that big of a deal? Like, to tell them, is it part of your story? Can you just lie? I don't know.

• 1:20:27Rayna Greenberg?

  It is not part of my story. It's something I learned a big lesson from, and I would not repeat it. It was a relationship when I was pretty young. It was early on in a relationship. I don't know, there's a lot of factors, and I mean, I guess somebody could listen to this episode and be like, "You lied to me."

• 1:20:40Ashley Hesseltine?

  But here, here's the thing, if someone is asking you that, and the answer of you saying you have cheated a long time ago, you regret it, you learned your lesson, like, if that really makes them freak out, like, there were gonna be problems anyway. There were gonna be problems of them being insecure, thinking you're cheating. Like, if they are so on guard about cheating all the time, like, you're gonna have more problems, and I stand by that. So, again, like, if someone hears that, and that immediately just like, sets off, like, all their alarm bells, like, those are gonna come out anyway. They're just terrified of being cheated on, and like, they're gonna be looking for those things anyway.

• 1:21:20Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, and I think you'd be hard pressed to find somebody that's not a relationship to cheating, in some way, at some age. Like, I think it was Esther Perel on our show said that it's like, the most universally looked down upon practice, but universally practiced. And like, so many people do it. This is probably the most hot-button thing of all these, "Should you lie about this thing?" Is like, "I cheated on somebody." It's, it's hard for me, though, when somebody asks me a point-blank question, and I just flat-out lie. And that feels different than like, "Did you get Botox today? Did you tweeze your butthole?"

• 1:21:52Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:53Rayna Greenberg?

  Most other things, I think we're just trying to like, make people feel comfortable and good, and it won't affect them in any way, whether I'm honest with them or not. It'll actually probably affect them negatively, and this has no bearing on our relationship. And I like how that girl phrased it, "If it doesn't, if it doesn't hurt them financially, physically," or what was the other one?

• 1:22:08Ashley Hesseltine?

  Anything that impacts him emotionally, physically, or financially.

• 1:22:11Rayna Greenberg?

  So like, if I can just omit something that would kinda bother somebody, but does not have a material impact on our relationship... I mean, everybody's welcome to their own relationship with the truth, but I think it's fine to like omit stuff that like will genuinely never impact your relationship ever.

• 1:22:25Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah, but you know, I also think honesty is like the best policy, but everybody does these things overall honesty. But again, these things are like normal and common. And at the end of the day, you got to ask like, what's your intention for being dishonest? And I also think it's important to think about why you may be anticipating someone's reaction to be negative if you are lying to them, because they may not care. You know, like what evidence do you have that they aren't going to like what you have to say? Like, are you basing this on a past partner? Are you basing this on your friends' partners?

• 1:23:06Ashley Hesseltine?

  You know, have you only heard that guys get mad when you bring up Botox? Like, why do you think they're going to react poorly? And I say that only to do the self-reflection of what evidence you have, because they may not care. You know, I think we've all been in those situations with people where we think something's going to be such a big deal, and we tell them, and it is no big deal. So are you paranoid about something in your head that really wouldn't be a big deal at all?

• 1:23:33Rayna Greenberg?

  Right. Is this a projection?

• 1:23:35Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:35Rayna Greenberg?

  And a lot of this, I think, is rooted in this desire to appear to be successful and unburdened, and somebody who doesn't need to over shop or quit the gym. And you want to look successful, but that is your own projections of success and how you want to be, because we are all flawed, and your partners are going to see those things, and you have to be able to create an environment where you can discuss those things. And I understand the nature to be like, but I want them to see me a certain way. But we are all flawed people.

• 1:24:04Ashley Hesseltine?

  And you could even become closer when you are more vulnerable and more real. You just never know. So ask yourself where your motivation to do these things are coming from.

• 1:24:16Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah, it's a problem if it's a pattern.

• 1:24:19Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:19Rayna Greenberg?

  It's a problem if it's all the time.

• 1:24:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:21Rayna Greenberg?

  And you're, you find out these like lies. I mean, I talked in that-

• 1:24:24Ashley Hesseltine?

  Right, those little tiny things.

• 1:24:25Rayna Greenberg?

  Little tiny things.

• 1:24:26Ashley Hesseltine?

  You find them all out, you're like, oh, are you a liar? Have we talked about what you've heard of somebody in my life that just like lies a lot? A lot of people in my life have lied.

• 1:24:34Rayna Greenberg?

  Vote this one guy. And it was a lot of little harmless lies, but like when you're like, will you add them up and you're a fucking liar?

• 1:24:41Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:42Rayna Greenberg?

  I don't know. I think when you realize somebody's a liar, it really shakes your, your relationship to reality. Cause you're like, how did I not see all this?

• 1:24:49Ashley Hesseltine?

  Has everything been a lie?

• 1:24:50Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:50Ashley Hesseltine?

  I can't trust you. Um, and when it comes to the most harmless of all lies, what are you thinking about?

• 1:24:59Rayna Greenberg?

  I mean, we've all asked our male partners this. I actually want the straight answer.

• 1:25:05Ashley Hesseltine?

  So someone, of course, I want to know, he's like thinking about me and our future together or whatever. But like, you know, that's not always the case. And like men's minds work in crazy ways. They're thinking about the Roman Empire three times a day, whatever. That's where the whole Roman Empire thing started. But someone wrote in, do you think this was from a dude?

• 1:25:21Rayna Greenberg?

  It's from a man.

• 1:25:21Ashley Hesseltine?

  Oh, it was from a man. Okay. So what are you thinking about? He said, I always lie when I'm asked what I'm thinking about. I'd rather say you or our future together or something else inane, rather than admit, I'm wondering how many sixth graders it would take to overpower a horse sized praying mantis.

• 1:25:36Ashley Hesseltine?

  And like Sparkle Eyes asks me, what are you thinking sometimes? Cause you know, I'll be deep in thought. I can't hide it. You know, I'll be like stressed or thinking about something or overanalyze like, you know, microplastics. And

• 1:25:48Rayna Greenberg?

  It's important.

• 1:25:48Ashley Hesseltine?

  Usually I'm just like

• 1:25:49Rayna Greenberg?

  You can't overanalyze. You and I just have never had a thought that we didn't share.

• 1:25:54Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:55Rayna Greenberg?

  But I think that like, well, if you just bucket it out to like women and male dynamics, I think women want you to say like, I'm thinking about you. And like, men just aren't, there just aren't, they're not thinking about anything. They're thinking about food or video games or sports or porn.

• 1:26:07Ashley Hesseltine?

  Some ridiculous thing.

• 1:26:09Rayna Greenberg?

  Insane scenario.

• 1:26:10Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. All right. Well, now I hope that helps.

• 1:26:13Rayna Greenberg?

  Yeah. These submissions were like really incredible. We were really excited to do this episode. And you guys are always just so honest and amazing and open about your lives. And I feel like I learned something new every week.

• 1:26:23Ashley Hesseltine?

  Yeah. You guys are the best. Thanks as always for, you know, inspiring these episodes and writing in and sharing. You guys can find us at girlsgottaeat.com, girlsgottaeatpodcast on Instagram and Tik Tok. I am Ash Hess, ashhess.com, reina dot greenberg, vibesonly.com for all the goodies. And you can subscribe on YouTube, share this episode with a friend and we will. See you Thursday. I always pause. I'm like, we should have a good week, guys. Bye.