Caller: “My Husband Criticizes My Pregnant Body”

📋 Stay connected all week long. Download Dr. John Delony’s free Weekly Marriage Check-In. On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman whose husband criticizes everything about her A man whose mom keeps stealing his money A woman wondering if her husband’s job will wreck their family Next Steps: 🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠ ❤️Join Dr. John Delony at Money & Marriage Getaway. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Go to Joi + Blokes and get 65% off labs and 20% off products. Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne. Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today. Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:05Dr. John Delony?

  Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage. If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out. I've used Churchill and they are great. Go to churchillmortgage.com.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  He was watching a TikTok on his phone and it was some woman and he was like, oh, see, she could do it, you could do it. And I was like, what are you talking about? And um, he was like, well, this woman right here, she had six kids and look at her. She's, she's been able to snatch herself back and.

• 0:31Dr. John Delony?

  Why don't you tell him to take his TikTok phone and shove it up his.

• 0:40Dr. John Delony?

  What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges and we're not chatting with each other like on a bot. We're actually talking, not in person, but second best thing on the phone. Real people with real challenges, struggling with their mental and emotional health, their marriages, their kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes and fill out the form and it goes to Kelly. The show's over, Lord, and she will get you on. And hey, before we take the first call, check out the Together app. It is the best marriage app out there.

• 1:23Dr. John Delony?

  It's only available for folks in the Apple Store, but we're working on the Android. It is an action oriented app designed to get you off your phone and back into your marriage. Go check it out in the App Store. So go to Fresno, California and talk to Shelby. What's up Shelby?

• 1:41Speaker 01

  Hi there.

• 1:42Dr. John Delony?

  How are you?

• 1:44Speaker 01

  Oh, I'm doing good. I'm just watching my kids play.

• 1:46Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, that's a good thing. That's a good thing. What's going on?

• 1:51Speaker 01

  Well, I am, um, I'm always, I'm just living in constant chaos, but I've got a six year old, a four year old and a three year old.

• 2:03Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, wow.

• 2:03Speaker 01

  And then we got unexpectedly pregnant.

• 2:05Dr. John Delony?

  Ayo.

• 2:07Speaker 01

  Um, yeah, with our fourth and um, anyway, I.

• 2:12Dr. John Delony?

  So are you pregnant right now or did you have the fourth?

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Yes, no, I am pregnant. I'm about, I honestly, I don't even know, 27, 28 weeks.

• 2:20Dr. John Delony?

  It doesn't even matter anymore.

• 2:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:22Dr. John Delony?

  Doesn't matter. Yeah, there you go.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  But yeah, no, I'm just, I just, I'm just big and pregnant is all I am.

• 2:28Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. Well, I'm glad you called.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  We're getting there.

• 2:30Dr. John Delony?

  There you go. If you have to drop the phone and go run, save a kid from falling off a slide or something, all good, all good.

• 2:36Speaker 01

  Okay, okay.

• 2:38Dr. John Delony?

  So what's up?

• 2:39Speaker 01

  I am, my, my, my husband, I love him to death, but he does have a tendency to be a little bit critical of me, of my kids. But he's critical of himself too, but um, he's just made a couple of comments over the course of um, my, this pregnancy, um, and maybe just before I got pregnant, kind of more so about my body. And I am like probably the heaviest I've ever been and I'm not exactly like proud of that. And it's not the happiest that I am with my body, but I was trying, I was just getting on the track of feeling like I was gonna be able to get back in my fitness and get this and that going.

• 3:24Speaker 01

  And then I got pregnant and I was so sick and then I broke my foot during my pregnancy. So I haven't been able to kind of tend to myself the way I want to. And he just make a handful of kind of insensitive comments in my opinions about my body and about my looks in a way. And I'm already insecure about it and I've voiced these concerns to him in the past and he says he's sorry and I usually, you know, I feel like he says he's sorry and I forgive him and we move past it, but I feel like sometimes it's like, I just don't know where to go from here. Like the bell's already been rung with some of the things he says and.

• 4:04Dr. John Delony?

  Well, give me, give me some examples of things he said.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Um.

• 4:09Dr. John Delony?

  Cause here's, here's what I'm, I think, I think you're, and I'd love to be wrong, but I think you are dramatically underselling how much you're hurt. And I think you're underselling what, what kind of ass this guy is.

• 4:28Speaker 01

  He can be.

• 4:29Dr. John Delony?

  That's, that's, that's my hypothesis. So.

• 4:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:33Dr. John Delony?

  What are some things he has said? While you are dealing with the third kid in six years, managing this house, oh, and I'm pregnant too. And he walks in and says, you know, the old body's gone. Like, like every bit of the Texas Tennessee mail in me is coming out of my skin right now, just with the thought of that. So I'd love to know what he said.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  Well, the um, it's, I don't know, the most hurtful one that was, has been recent. And this was probably the one that kind of catalysted my phone call was, um, he was watching a TikTok on, on his phone and it was some woman and he was like, out of nowhere, he goes, oh, see, if she could do it, you could do it. And I was like, what are you talking about? What, like, what are you watching? And um.

• 5:22Dr. John Delony?

  Bro, dude.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  He was like, well, this woman, this woman right here, she had six kids and look at her, she's, she's been able to snatch herself back and.

• 5:30Dr. John Delony?

  Why don't you tell him to take his TikTok phone and shove it up his butt crack and actually get to work being a father?

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Well, he was like, so she can fix herself, you can, you can fix yourself.

• 5:41Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, what else he could fix? His singleness.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Well.

• 5:44Dr. John Delony?

  What an app. No, it should because it is insensitive and it's completely uncalled for. And dude, the.

• 5:55Speaker 01

  Well.

• 5:56Dr. John Delony?

  But stop defending him. Stop defending him.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:59Dr. John Delony?

  You have to let it sink in for a second, which is hard to do at 27 through 30 weeks pregnant, wherever you happen to be, like.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:08Dr. John Delony?

  This is.

• 6:08Speaker 01

  I just, I told him it hurts to make, to feel like I, my husband sees me as something that needs to be fixed.

• 6:14Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 6:15Speaker 01

  And that I'm a problem.

• 6:16Dr. John Delony?

  Yes.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  And that my body isn't lovable the way it is.

• 6:20Dr. John Delony?

  And, and that he's sitting there scrolling TikTok instead of being present with his three little kids.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. And um, it, so I just, I.

• 6:31Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on, wait, hold on, let's back out, let's back out, let's back out. Cause I, I, I don't want to, I'm feeling myself get over emotional and I don't make good choices whenever I get super over emotional. Okay. So let me back out. Let me ask a bigger question. Okay.

• 6:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 6:45Dr. John Delony?

  Where else is he critical of you? If you look back over the last six years of your life or 10 years, how long you've been together, where else is he critical besides your body?

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, well, it, it varies, but um, we've gone, we've gone to therapy.

• 7:02Dr. John Delony?

  Hold on Shelby, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby.

• 7:05Dr. John Delony?

  It's okay. It's all right. Go for it.

• 7:08Speaker 01

  Um.

• 7:08Dr. John Delony?

  I, I need, I need you to stop for just a, just a few minutes. Stop defending him.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:15Dr. John Delony?

  And just tell me, what are other places where he's critical of you?

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Um.

• 7:22Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, what I would say overly out of bounds critical. We all need people in our life who call us out. That's what a good spouse does, right? But you can only call somebody out if you're seen and known and if they spend most of their day looking for the good, if they're celebrating you. All of those things give you permission to challenge, right?

• 7:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:39Dr. John Delony?

  Where does he call you out, out of bounds?

• 7:41Speaker 01

  I would say a little catalyst of it was probably when we had our first child six years ago with our daughter. And um, I was, I became a stay at home mom because that's life. And um, I was the homemaker and stuff and he's, he was raised very southern and I wasn't, but not that that is exactly matters, but um, if the house had, like I cook home cooked meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. We lived on a ranch for years and we lived two hours from the closest grocery store. So like I cooked every meal. So the house was messy because bellies were full, but kitchen was dirty and um, I had my baby and then I got pregnant with my son and I was struggling and uh, I was struggling

• 8:26Speaker 01

  to keep up with just everything, like, you know, the dishes and the kitchen and all the things. And like, it wasn't filthy. We didn't live in like filth, but it was just like clutter on the counters and things like that.

• 8:37Dr. John Delony?

  Hey Shelby, you know why?

• 8:41Dr. John Delony?

  Because you had a toddler and you were pregnant and you were running the home of a ranch. It's supposed to be messy. It's called human life. It's life isn't a TikTok reel.

• 8:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, my mom tends to say I need to lower my expectations a little, but.

• 8:58Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, but it's hard to when you have.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  It is hard when I have someone that brings it up every time. I feel like I have a weak moment.

• 9:10Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  Or the house looks a certain way and.

• 9:13Dr. John Delony?

  Instead of just coming in and seeing dishes and thinking, wow, she must have had a wild one today. I'm gonna grab those dishes and the laundry too.

• 9:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:23Dr. John Delony?

  He pulls out his TikTok on his phone and then he starts scrolling and just and says, golly, this house, look at, look at this woman. She's keeping the house up.

• 9:31Speaker 01

  Well, yeah, and I've, I've brought up before, like, if you, if you don't like the kitchen, the way it looks, there's the dishwasher, there's the dishes, have at it.

• 9:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yep.

• 9:40Speaker 01

  I've, I've said things, but it's all, and then it gets brought up that, well, I've had a 12 hour work day outside and now I have to come home and pick up.

• 9:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, yes, yes. That's part of being a good teammate. That's part of two people building a life together. It's never 50 50, ever.

• 9:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:56Dr. John Delony?

  There are days when it's 80 20. There's days when it's 99 1. That's called being in it together.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:03Dr. John Delony?

  And there are lots of days. You work a 12 hour day and you come home and, because here's the thing, if you were gone, he'd have to work that same 12 hour day and then come home and make dinner and then put the kids to bed and make sure they're ready to come up in the morning. That's called life. And when your partner's struggling, when your wife is there, pregnant, sick, dealing with a newborn, breastfeeding also, and cooking three home cooked meals, or having to drive five hours round trip to the grocery store. Yes, you work a 12 hour shift and you come home and you work another one. Cause that's called being together, building a family.

• 10:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, and I, I, I tend to feel a little bit like, and I think a little bit is, and I'm not saying this is a good excuse, but he was definitely raised with like, the woman sits and cooks and cleans and is barefoot and pregnant and does all the things and the men just come home and they're the king and.

• 10:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but, but, but here's the thing, that's true. I was raised a certain way. My wife was raised a certain way and they were both different.

• 11:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I always give a ton of grace to both people, especially after the first kid is born, because you're both, it's natural, it's normal to just say, oh, it's gonna be like, it's like your first Christmas together. It's like, oh, we're gonna do a Christmas like I've always done it. And it's like, whoa, we're gonna do like I've always done it. And yeah, there is some navigation headaches there. That's, that's, that's part of it. And so if he came home after baby one and was like, man, this place is, like, I would say, dude, don't say that. Pick up, but I get the impulse, right? But that's when.

• 11:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:32Dr. John Delony?

  A ride or die husband sits down with his wife and says, man, I had this picture and this is not our life. And so let's us build something that we want together.

• 11:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:46Dr. John Delony?

  Right? Not, you gotta run back what my mom did.

• 11:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:51Dr. John Delony?

  You know what I mean?

• 11:52Speaker 01

  I, I, I agree. I just have a hard time because I feel like we, we get to a place where he gets critical and then I express it to him in little ways, like I'll say stuff like, don't talk to me like that, or I don't appreciate that tone, or you know, this is hard for me too, and we're all doing our best and. Um, or I'll even say like, you know, that might be a big deal to you, but like, I don't care if there's some laundry on the floor. So like, if you have a problem with it, start the load, like.

• 12:19Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 12:20Speaker 01

  Or if you don't like the toys on the ground in the living room, I'm not bothered by it right now, but like you can pick them up. And I'll say things and I kind of stand up for myself and that's how I feel. I'm standing up for myself and I'm good. And I kind of feel like I've spoken my piece and I shut it down and then we move, carry on, but then it, the, the, the jabs are there. And then, um, I will hit a head where he will criticize me about something and it's just like all of it comes flooding. And then I just am crying and crying to him, telling him how hurt I am and how mistreated I'm feeling and. He will apologize and say, I'm so sorry. I don't mean it that way. I just.

• 13:01Speaker 01

  I don't know. He'll say like, I just don't understand what's wrong with having standards. In our home.

• 13:09Dr. John Delony?

  God, dude, every time you talk, I'm, I'm thinking less and less of him. Um, yeah, you should have standards. You should. Everyone should have standards, but when it comes to being married, especially in different seasons. Standards are something that we negotiate, we work through together and we create them together. They're not imposed on one another. Right?

• 13:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's a good point.

• 13:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so like, yes, y'all should have standards and, but it's something like, hey, we're about to have a fourth kid.

• 13:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:38Dr. John Delony?

  And so things are gonna get even more bananas and only one of our kids can quasi go to the bathroom on their own. Right? She can, but she doesn't flush regularly. Like, we're there, right? And so.

• 13:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:50Dr. John Delony?

  And so like, it's gonna be bananas. Let's talk about standards and let's talk about what each one of us, like, and I think this word, and it protects us. We say the word, I need a lot.

• 14:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:05Dr. John Delony?

  What we all need is food and water and shelter and human interaction. What we want though, what you want is a guy who's a part of your life.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:19Dr. John Delony?

  A guy who is underneath this home. You talk about standards? Standards for a guy whose wife is on kid number four and, but in four kids in six years? That's a guy who gets up an hour before his 12 day, 12, 12 hour shift and does work all that he can in the house to clear the deck for his wife. Cause she's raising four humans. I don't care what job you're doing. It's not that.

• 14:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:46Dr. John Delony?

  And then you get home from work and you sit in the driveway in his big truck and he exhales and maybe plays a game on his phone to clear his head. And then he walks in and he's got another eight hour shift ahead of him. Cause that's the world he co-created.

• 15:01Dr. John Delony?

  And I, like, I, I, I can be wrong here because I, I, I know that words hurt. They do. And especially if you're sensitive about certain things. And you're, you, you, like, we all have the things that, uh. Like that other people may not notice about our bodies or about our personalities that drive us bananas, right? We all have those things.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:22Dr. John Delony?

  But like my buddy Jefferson Fisher says, when you're married, you give each other the nuclear codes and we, you, like, that's part of being married and you hope that your spouse doesn't use them. And your husband does.

• 15:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 15:36Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And so I have to believe that beneath the things he's saying. However hurtful those are, the real pain here is.

• 15:47Dr. John Delony?

  He, he's not on your team. He expects you to be a puzzle piece in the life he's created for himself.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Feels like that.

• 15:58Dr. John Delony?

  And that's not.

• 15:58Speaker 01

  Sometimes.

• 15:59Dr. John Delony?

  Shelby, you're, uh, let me, if you don't hear anything else I say, hear this. You're not crazy.

• 16:07Dr. John Delony?

  The only thing I would ask you to do is, and this is hard, is to stop minimizing the things going on in the middle of your chest. And what I mean by that is, it's not a little hurtful. If you go back and listen to this call, you preface some of the hurts you have with, it's not that big a deal, but he's also good. And also this. I want you just to take full ownership of how much this hurts, to feel like you're doing it all alone. I want you to find somebody who can come watch those kids for a few hours.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 16:39Dr. John Delony?

  On a Saturday morning. And I want y'all to, if you have to go for a walk, if you have to make a two hour drive, whatever it is. But we're not gonna wait until there's a fight to have this conversation. We're going to be directive about it when things are relatively at peace. Right? And we don't have peace here. We have an arms agreement, right?

• 16:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:59Dr. John Delony?

  And so we're going to go out somewhere.

• 17:04Dr. John Delony?

  Or we're gonna go to somebody's house who's got a ranch or something, or we're gonna go out to the back barn or whatever. And I want you to have written down.

• 17:13Dr. John Delony?

  Here's some of the things and ask him, I'm gonna ask you to not respond. I've written this letter and I want to read it to you. Here are some of the things you've said to me over the last six years.

• 17:24Dr. John Delony?

  Here is the stories I'm making up about what you've said about me.

• 17:31Dr. John Delony?

  And that I'm never gonna be enough, that I don't have a spouse who actually loves and cares about me. What he cares about is the presentation. Of his, of his precious little living room.

• 17:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:44Dr. John Delony?

  He doesn't care about the heart and spirit of his wife. He cares about how hot a woman on TikTok is.

• 17:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:51Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to be honest about what the, how you feel about that, how lonely that feels. How embarrassing that feels. How shameful that feels.

• 18:02Dr. John Delony?

  And then I want you to look across the table from him and say. You get to choose. Do you want a ride or die wife? Cause I need, I want some help. I want you to be a part of this house. Or do you want to sit in your almighty recliner with your cell phone scrolling? And bark orders.

• 18:23Dr. John Delony?

  And if you have to look at him and say, I'm not your mom, that's not the house you're going to have.

• 18:29Dr. John Delony?

  But we can build something amazing that both of us want to be a part of.

• 18:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:39Dr. John Delony?

  Cause the other alternative is this keeps happening. And here's the worst part of it. Your daughter's gonna hear it.

• 18:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what's.

• 18:47Dr. John Delony?

  I know it does.

• 18:50Dr. John Delony?

  Cause you've probably been people pleasing for a long time and one of those nagging things in your spirit is, I don't want my daughter to ever have to deal with this. And she's gonna learn it.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  No, well, she kind of has already heard the case. My husband talked to me and she she's come up to me privately and said, Mom, I think you're beautiful.

• 19:08Dr. John Delony?

  God almighty, dude.

• 19:10Speaker 01

  And that breaks my heart.

• 19:13Speaker 01

  I'll say, thanks. Thanks, honey.

• 19:16Dr. John Delony?

  That breaks my heart.

• 19:19Speaker 01

  And she's even told my husband, don't talk to my mom like that.

• 19:24Speaker 01

  And I just, I don't, I've, I've, I've told him, like, I don't know how that's not, how that doesn't bother you, but.

• 19:33Dr. John Delony?

  What does he say?

• 19:34Speaker 01

  I.

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Nothing. He just says, I think your mother's beautiful. I don't know what you're talking about. Or if I ever say, you know, your daughters can hear things you're saying, right? And he's like, they're not, they can't hear. I'm like, mm mm. They they hear more than you think.

• 19:46Dr. John Delony?

  They hear everything. All of it. All of it.

• 19:49Speaker 01

  They internalize a lot more than you think.

• 19:51Dr. John Delony?

  I hate this for you. This should be the most exciting, fun, crazy time of your life.

• 19:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:00Dr. John Delony?

  And I want you to, when you're writing this letter, I want you to remember this. Um, there is some data that I found when I was working on my latest book. Um, that kids, there's a U shaped, a U shaped happiness curve. It's actually really flattened out and kind of gone the other way, but it it basically said, like, couples are happy, then they start having kids and their happiness takes a pretty deep dip. And then it comes back as the kids age and then leave the house. What researchers have found is often kids simply expose the cracks that were already there.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:33Dr. John Delony?

  And so I want you to be honest about the lifetime of your relationship with him. Cause I bet the criticism started early.

• 20:45Dr. John Delony?

  I bet the comparison started early.

• 20:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:49Dr. John Delony?

  But he's also a hard worker. He does provide. He does have some of those values that you really kind of anchored to. Maybe he's a smoke show, right? Maybe like there's some, whatever happened, there were things that allowed both of you to wallpaper over the cracks.

• 21:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:03Dr. John Delony?

  And kids just burst through that wallpaper.

• 21:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:06Dr. John Delony?

  So it's not the kids are making us unhappy. It's that they are breeding to the surface, the issues in our relationship that have been there for they may be systemic. They may have been there a long, long time. So anyway, thank you for sharing. Sorry for getting I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for calling men to a higher standard, for God's sakes.

• 21:25Dr. John Delony?

  And men, if you're listening and you think, man, my house has really gotten messy, pick it up.

• 21:32Dr. John Delony?

  If you think, man, my wife, who's got three kids, six and under, and is pregnant with a fourth, has really let that body go, A, shut your freaking mouth. And two, ask your wife how you can love her well.

• 21:45Dr. John Delony?

  And God help you if you ever scroll TikTok and show your wife a picture of a woman and say, look, look.

• 21:52Dr. John Delony?

  Come on, man. We gotta be better than that. All of us. Thanks for the call, Shelby.

• 21:59Dr. John Delony?

  You know why I keep talking about Cozy Earth? Because every Cozy Earth product I've ever tried has been great. So great that they've become integrated into my home. I love Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets. They're soft, they're breathable, they're temperature regulating. I've got them on almost every bed in my house. I love Cozy Earth's towels. They're awesome. I got the huge, thick and ridiculously comfortable ones. And I got the thinner waffle towels. They all survive multiple loads in the dryer. They're the best. And I'm not a pajama guy, but my wife and my daughter love their Cozy Earth pajamas. They've started changing into them way before bedtime because they're so comfortable. Most companies have one thing they're known for. Cozy Earth somehow makes everything incredible.

• 22:44Dr. John Delony?

  Go to cozylearth.com/deloney and use code deloney for up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozylearth.com/deloney and use code deloney. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Make home the best part of your life.

• 23:05Dr. John Delony?

  This summer has been a wild one for me. I've been to eight different states. I made a 40 hour round trip drive across the country. And I've been camping and staying in different places all around Tennessee where I live. The two constants in all of this madness is number one, I love traveling across the country. And number two, I love sleeping in my own bed. The best sleep I get, bar none, is in my own bed. Great sleep helps me feel amazing. And how do I get this great sleep? It's my beloved mattress, my Helix Midnight Luxe mattress from Helix Sleep. Helix is not just a show sponsor for me. My family and my friends, they sleep on Helix mattresses because I won't shut up about them,

• 23:46Dr. John Delony?

  even when the cameras and lights are off. Helix mattresses are so extraordinary because they build mattresses just for you and how you sleep. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with just the right mattress for more than 20 different models designed for different sleep styles. They've even got cooling upgrades for you hot sleepers this summer. A Helix mattress will change your life for the better. Their best savings of the season are happening right now. Go to helixsleep.com/deloney and save up to 30% off all mattresses with the Helix Labor Day offer. Save up to 30% off exclusively at helix, H E L I X, sleep, S L E E P, dot com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.

• 24:32Dr. John Delony?

  All right, let's go out to Canton, Ohio and talk to Isaac. Hey, Isaac, what's up, man?

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Hey, Dr. John, how are you?

• 24:39Dr. John Delony?

  I'm doing all right. What's going on, man?

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Uh, I'm doing pretty good. Not too bad. How are you doing?

• 24:45Dr. John Delony?

  I'm trying to, uh, let my blood pressure come down from that last call, but I'm, I'm hanging in there, man. So what's going on? How can I help?

• 24:53Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, so I'm just trying to work through, I guess, um, my, my mom, I guess, is like,

• 25:03Speaker 02

  I guess, just like ruining my finances.

• 25:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. I want to back out. Okay. I want you to do me a favor.

• 25:09Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 25:10Dr. John Delony?

  I want you to not say, I guess. I want you to, I know this is hard because I don't even know what's going on here, but it involves your mom. And it's like she did something and that's hard. I want you to straightforward, just say, my mom did the following.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  And. Okay.

• 25:28Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 25:30Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So what, what happened?

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Okay. Well, I guess I should preface this by saying that, um, all, everything I'm about to tell you was I was recovering from a traumatic brain injury that I suffered.

• 25:43Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 25:45Speaker 02

  And then everything I'm about to tell you, like everything that she did to ruin my finances is like in the, in the aftermath of my recovery, like through the process of my recovery. So.

• 25:58Dr. John Delony?

  So she, so your mom ruined your finances. Uh, yeah, we can unpack that, but you had a traumatic, traumatic brain injury. You got hurt and then during your recovery, then what'd she do? What happened?

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yep. So, um, I guess it, it multiple things. So here I got it. Um, so basically the first thing I guess is that, so, um, she, so I guess the first thing is she, she took out a, a credit card in my name. So my brother is a huge Kansas City Chiefs fan and, um, um, they went to the Kansas City Chiefs parade, um, because they, they won the

• 26:43Dr. John Delony?

  The Super Bowl, yeah.

• 26:44Speaker 02

  They won the, yeah, they won the Super Bowl in 2023. So they flew to Kansas City to, uh, to, for the, um, for the parade. And she wanted to take my brother there and she, she wanted to, you know, put it on a credit card and ultimately pay it off. And she, she obviously, you know, looking back on it, she obviously didn't have the credit to open a credit card in her own name. So she asked if she could open a credit card in my name. So I said, okay. I mean, that's fine. As long as you just put the flights on that. I mean, that's fine. So she did that. And, um, it turns out it was a $15,000 limit and, um, she pretty much maxed it out in a month.

• 27:29Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, my gosh.

• 27:32Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 27:35Speaker 02

  Yep. And then also, um, then that would have been, that would have been, I mean, that would have been like, what, like February of 2023? And then also she bought a house in August of 2024. So basically her and her husband, they hadn't been at their job for longer than a year. So basically the, uh, bank that they were working with, they weren't comfortable, um, giving, giving them a loan unless they had a year's worth of payments sitting in their bank account. Cause obviously, you know, um, if they, if they, um,

• 28:09Dr. John Delony?

  They're, they're, they're a big credit risk. Yeah.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 28:13Dr. John Delony?

  So what did your mom do?

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Um, so I loaned her $23,000 of my own money to help her meet that requirement. As well as I also took out a personal loan of $18,000 to help, to help her like meet that requirement.

• 28:28Dr. John Delony?

  So you gave your mom $41,000?

• 28:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 28:33Dr. John Delony?

  On top, after she stole $15,000 from you? Fraudulently committed a crime?

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Yes, yes, that's correct.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  Yep. And then also, um, and she didn't even, I literally took me involving a lawyer. Um, and she didn't even pay me back until March of 2026. So like over 19 months later, she ultimately, you know, paid me back the money that she ultimately owed me.

• 28:59Dr. John Delony?

  So she's paid you $15,000 on the credit card and she paid you $41,000 for the house loan?

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Um, no, no, no. She, no, no, no. Uh, basically it's just like auto drafts, you know, the monthly payments of the credit card.

• 29:12Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So she hasn't paid you back crap. She's making payments.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  Yes. I'm, I mean, yes, it's technically yes, but I mean, it doesn't come out of my bank account, I guess.

• 29:24Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but she hasn't paid you back. That's, that's not, that's not right language. If she wrote you a check for $41,000 and wrote you a second check for $15,000, then she would have paid you in full. She's not doing that. She's on some sort of janky payment plan.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Yes. And that's correct. She has not done that done. I guess, I guess what she has paid me back is the original $23,000 that I loaned her of my own money. She did pay me that, pay me that back.

• 29:53Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So, so bring me to the conclusion here. Like, how can I help you today?

• 29:58Speaker 02

  Um, I mean, I guess like she tried to approach me and try to rebuild the relationship in April, I want to say, but it's like, I, I, I don't even know if I even want to even rebuild the relationship, honestly, because I feel like that's just like, that's just such a breach of trust, honestly.

• 30:22Dr. John Delony?

  Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. It, it is. It's a, it's a incredible breach of trust. And, and again, I, I, my oldest friend on the planet is a traumatic brain injury survivor. So I know there's a spectrum here and there's varying degrees, right? And so I'm assuming because you're calling me, you're, you're, you're, we're having a good conversation, um, that you've got cognitive capacity back. Is that fair?

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Yes. Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know, I'm back to work. I want to say that of the, of the spectrum of, you know, traumatic brain injury effects, you know, I'm obviously, I, I, I'm back to work.

• 30:59Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  I, I obviously, it, it didn't, I'm not like, I don't, I like, I obviously I live on my own. I have two daughters to take care of. Like, I, I, I live, I live, I live a, a very, a very, um,

• 31:12Dr. John Delony?

  Independent life.

• 31:12Speaker 02

  Like a very, yes, I, I live a very independent life. And I'm obviously thankful of the life that I live. But it wa, it wasn't, it was a very difficult recovery, obviously.

• 31:22Dr. John Delony?

  Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nightmare. So, so here's what the tension you have to hold. Okay. And then I'll, I'll get to your, your big question. Tension number one is

• 31:34Dr. John Delony?

  with, with varying degrees of cognition through a really tough recovery, every step of the way, your mom has asked you and you've said yes. And so she did the digging, but you handed her the shovel and said, you could dig in my yard. And so part of you taking ownership for your role in this thing is important because then she took that shovel and she turned and tried to bury you with it.

• 32:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:03Dr. John Delony?

  Right? So my, if she was to call me, I would be super frustrated and upset that she asked her child to borrow money, that she fraudulently broke the law and opened a credit card in your name and ran it up, fifth, maxed it completely out. And my hypothesis, my haunch is she's trying to rebuild a relationship with you because she wants more money. And so.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Yeah. And, and honestly, I mean, so the house that she bought is in my brother's name because she, her credit is awful enough that she convinced my, my brother to, to basically own the house and use her income.

• 32:51Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, Isaac, I don't like talking bad about people's moms. Okay. I'm prefacing this with, I'm prefacing this by saying that your mom is a terrible person.

• 33:01Speaker 02

  I, I, I know.

• 33:03Dr. John Delony?

  Okay.

• 33:03Speaker 02

  I, I've come to realize that.

• 33:05Dr. John Delony?

  I'm not saying that, there's no glee in my heart here. It hurts to say that. I hate saying that. But I want to be that strong to tell you, I would not, and I could not sleep with myself in any way, shape, form or fashion if I encouraged a reunion of this relationship here. It's parasitic. And the fact that she would try, she would take on this type of behavior with you and your brother, instead of taking ownership of the financial mess she's made for herself, and that she would take her burdens and dump them on her sons, especially the son who's going through a really tough rehab process to try to get out on his own? Like, that's, that's terrible at a level that's hard for me to wrap my

• 33:50Dr. John Delony?

  head around. You know what I mean?

• 33:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:53Dr. John Delony?

  And so I, if you listen to my show ever, I'm always railing against people who cut their parents off because they're annoying, or cut their parents off because they've already run away.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  I mean, I, I, I, I frequently listen to you.

• 34:06Dr. John Delony?

  Okay. So hear me say, it's rare for me to tell somebody, no, you should not reunite. And I'm telling you that here. If your mom comes to your house in a few years and says, hey, I was a terrible person. I took advantage of my son after a medical incident. I used him. I violated your trust. I ba, in essence stole from you and you had to turn it into a legal matter because, um, I, I so lacked character. And I'm sorry. I'll take full on, if she, if she does that in a few years, maybe, maybe. Okay. I wouldn't do this job

• 34:50Dr. John Delony?

  if I wasn't so sold on the idea of redemption, but that's not what's happening here. You know what I'm saying? And I also, like Isaac, this, this is hard for you because like, you have to exhale and think about, I had this picture of having a mom that was going to be by my side during this stuff. And my life's still hard, right?

• 35:14Speaker 02

  Exactly. Like I, exactly. Like this was, this was supposed to be the girl that I'm supposed to, you know, whenever I eventually get what, whenever I eventually get married, the girl I'm supposed to dance with at my wedding and.

• 35:30Dr. John Delony?

  And, and you're going to have to come up with a new picture because she may not, she may not be at your wedding.

• 35:35Speaker 02

  And that, and that's, and that's, that's, that's the really hard part.

• 35:40Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's just straight up grief, brother. It's, it's spending some time being sad. That the, I mean, when all, everything comes down in the world, the one person that should always be right or die you is your mom. And yours is not. And I hate that for you. I hate it for you, man. And so spending time being sad, spending time making commitments, I will never loan family members money ever again, ever.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, I, I obviously, I've obviously, you know, come to the realization that if I, if I ever do loan a family member.

• 36:24Dr. John Delony?

  No, no, no, Isaac, no.

• 36:25Speaker 02

  Money.

• 36:25Dr. John Delony?

  Don't, never, ever. Make it a rule. I have a rule. I never loan friends or family money. I'll give it to you if I have it, but I, I, I'm never going to loan it because it is instantly changing our family relationship or our friend relationship. And it's putting me above you because you owe me now. And I'm not going to change the dynamic of the relationship.

• 36:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, it, it reminds me of, um, I know whenever, I, I think I remember, um, Dave Ramsey saying that, um, you know, if, if, um, if I loan my, my dad, um, money, my, the Thanksgiving dinner will.

• 37:04Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly. Yeah. It's all, yeah. It, it changed, it makes relationships hierarchical and relationships like true family or friendships don't work with hierarchy. They work with acceptance and curiosity and love. And when you add, you owe me to that mix, it changes it. It, it forever disrupts it. So you have to come up with a core Isaac value. I do not loan family members money, period. And I do not communicate, I do not act in relationships with people who steal from me, who lie to my face, who take advantage of me when I'm in a vulnerable state. I don't do that. And that person happens to be your mother and

• 37:49Dr. John Delony?

  that's terrible. I hate it for you. So now your adventure in life is A, to grieve this because everybody needs their mom by their side. And the second action step you got to take is begin to find adults who are down the road from you that you trust. Somebody you can have coffee with once a week, somebody you, who will, um, come over and look at life insurance policies with you to help you teach you about them or whatever, like, but you can't just go through life with nobody. And so you have a step to take that hopefully more people than not don't have to take, which is I gotta go find some wise adults in my life that will be down the road. It might be a boss. It might be a coworker's father. Um, it might, any number of people and, but having people in your life that

• 38:33Dr. John Delony?

  will give you wisdom. I hate this has happened to you, man, but no, I cannot encourage y'all to rebuild a relationship or you to take her calls. Um, and I will encourage you with all of my guts to never loan family money again. Love them enough to not do that. If they have a real need and you've got some money, give it to them so that they can get the healing or help or whatever they need. But man, and I would put a freeze on my credit report because your mom has shown herself to be somebody who will steal from her, um, son. And so I'd put a freeze on my credit report so that if somebody tries to open a new line of credit in my name, it will show up and it will send me something and

• 39:14Dr. John Delony?

  it will not allow that to happen. And I would also pull all three of the credit reports and see if there's any other credit cards out in your name. Thanks for call, brother. I hate this has happened to you, man. When we come back, a woman asks how to navigate a long distance marriage with a baby on the way. We'll be right back.

• 39:34Dr. John Delony?

  This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, so the folks at BetterHelp just released their annual State of Stigma Report. It's full of all sorts of data about why people avoid getting help for their mental and emotional health challenges. And here's a data point that stood out to me when I read it. More than three out of four Americans reported anxiety or depression symptoms over the previous two weeks. If that's you and you're carrying stress, symptoms of anxiety or depression, talking to someone can really help. I want you to reach out to BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with one of their 30,000-plus licensed therapists based on your goals and preferences. It's easy and it's convenient, and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform.

• 40:16Dr. John Delony?

  And if the first therapist you're matched with isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Don't let stigma stand in the way of you getting the help you need. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney and get 10% off. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, I have created a rundown. It's a PDF. It's simple. It is something for you and your spouse to go through once a week. Just run through this weekly rundown. It's the same rundown that me and my wife do every week, just to make sure we're on the same page with our calendars, with our priorities, with our finances. It's free download. Click the link in the show notes wherever you're watching or listening to this. It's just a gift.

• 41:01Dr. John Delony?

  People ask me, like, what do we do at these meetings that you always tell us to have? I put it all in a PDF for you and we'll ship it out to you. So click the link in the show notes and go check it out. Let's go to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Nora. Hey Nora, what's up?

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Hi, um, thank you so much for taking my call.

• 41:19Dr. John Delony?

  Of course. What's up?

• 41:21Speaker 03

  I am a little nervous, but I will just get into it.

• 41:25Dr. John Delony?

  Well, thanks for calling. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

• 41:28Speaker 03

  Uh, my question is, how can my husband and I navigate our newly long-distance marriage with, um, a now unexpected baby on the way?

• 41:37Dr. John Delony?

  Uh-oh, is, uh, what's the reason for the long distance?

• 41:42Speaker 03

  Um, he took a new job and it is a very long plane ride away.

• 41:49Dr. John Delony?

  Oh, how long is this new job?

• 41:52Speaker 03

  Uh, so the whole job is going to be two and a half years, but he's gone 20 days at a time, working 12-hour days for the full 20 days, and he'll be able to be back home for 10 days. Um, so that's kind of the, the rotating schedule we'll be on.

• 42:12Dr. John Delony?

  Can you go with him?

• 42:15Speaker 03

  No, I have a business here that, um, requires me to be, um, in the state.

• 42:24Dr. John Delony?

  So is he getting deployed by any chance?

• 42:28Speaker 03

  Um, no, it's a travel construction job.

• 42:31Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, okay. Whew. I'm assuming the finances on this thing are pretty amazing.

• 42:40Speaker 03

  That is, that is the only reason we're taking it because the only debt we have is our house.

• 42:47Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 42:48Speaker 03

  And after these two and a half years, we will just about be able to pay off our house. So it's really to be able to set us up for our future.

• 42:56Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so y'all are like really biting the bullet for two and a half years? And this is a short-term, it's a long, but it's a short-term, like way out of the box discomfort for an entire rest of our life, freedom? Is that right?

• 43:18Speaker 03

  That is exactly our plan.

• 43:19Dr. John Delony?

  Okay, so he, I, people can do all sorts of wild things. Okay? And it's really helpful when they're heading into doing a wild thing that there's a finish line. My concern number one for you all is, uh, and I'll talk through the relationship stuff, but my concern number one for you all is that money will be so good and your husband will get home and he'll already have three other offers on the table.

• 43:53Speaker 03

  That is a little bit what I'm afraid of.

• 43:55Dr. John Delony?

  Yes, and also, uh, yeah, I'll just leave it at that. And so navigating a planned, like, this is gonna be awful for a while. Anybody can do that. We can all do that, right? And your particular, this is gonna be awful, it's gonna be extra awful, right? But it's gonna be hard, but y'all can do it. But you're gonna have to put to bed the lingering doubts underneath this thing? Because if you know I'm doing this thing and there's a finish line, every day you can get closer to it. But if there's a finish line, but that finish line has a ellipsis after it, a dot, dot, dot after it? Man, that can get real harrowing real fast.

• 44:40Dr. John Delony?

  It, it, that's the recipe for burnout. This is never gonna change. Does that make sense?

• 44:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, when we moved, when we moved to where we're at now, um, we moved here for the travel job, but then we initially were going to stay here, um, long-term, and that's still the plan, but after a year, that's when he got another opportunity, um, that was just too good to pass up.

• 45:05Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, I had, I had a supervisor, she's one of the most important mentors of my life. And she told me this when I was 26. Um, I was, worked for her for a year and I got another opportunity from another university, and I didn't know what to do, right? I'd never had somebody pursue me. So I asked her, because I trusted her, and she happened to be my boss. And she told me something important at that young age. She said, "You're talented at what you do in a pretty unique way, and you're always going to have opportunities. You are gonna have to choose commitment." And she painted me a picture. She goes, "Or you're gonna be this guy who is 38 years old or 40 years old, who's worked

• 45:50Dr. John Delony?

  at 10 different places, who's kind of wishy-washy and always got a deal in his back pocket, and maybe or maybe not is, is still connected with his spouse and yada, like, or you're gonna be a person that says, um, "I'm investing in this home, in this marriage, in my kids, in my community, et cetera." Now, I've lived, two different times I've lived apart from my wife for six months while we were moving jobs or doing research or whatever. That's part of it, right? So if y'all do, if y'all stick to this and it's one time, this is the thing, but part of me thinks you're calling because he's a guy that makes a plan with you and then immediately starts thinking about another plan.

• 46:31Speaker 03

  Not necessarily. I just know that it's, the money's always really good, and I, I think that will change once we have no debt. Um, and you know, we already live a very, you know, minimal debt-free life, um, and have plans to have our own business when he's back. It's just, the money's always...

• 46:50Dr. John Delony?

  So I'll, I'll reiterate what one of my mentors told me. He's always gonna have opportunities to go do construction jobs on the other side of the planet and make a whole bunch of money, always. He, you're gonna have to, and he's gonna have to decide, being in one place together, raising our family, raising our kids, being present with each other, is more important than any other opportunity that might come along down the road. Or if an opportunity comes that's good enough, then I'm gonna leave my job and I'm gonna go with you.

• 47:21Speaker 03

  I, I think that we're both on the same page that, that is, you know, it is only temporary, um, and we're, we're on the same page about being together for our family and our future businesses here.

• 47:33Dr. John Delony?

  Cool. It's awesome. Yeah. All right, so here, here's the things I would, I would wrap your head around. Number one is make sure the time is intentional. Okay? Here's what I mean by that. Don't leave it to chance on those 10 days he's home. Have a plan for when he arrives, have a plan for what connection looks like, that, like the pictures and words thing I'm always talking about, like we think in pictures, but we speak in words. He's gonna say something like, "I can't wait to get home and just unwind," and you're gonna say, "I can't wait for you to get home," and you can unwind, and you're gonna have a picture of what unwind is, and he's gonna have a picture of what unwind is. And y'all gotta align those pictures. "I can't wait to be with you. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to..."

• 48:17Dr. John Delony?

  Like, those words we use all the time, but they have pictures associated with them. So being intentional about aligning the pictures of what our together time looks like and our separation time looks like. Are you gonna text me every night before you go to bed? Are you gonna text me in the morning? Are we gonna FaceTime? Are we gonna send each other gross, um, texts back and forth internationally that hopefully nobody ever sees, but they're just for us and so who cares? Like, y'all set the ground rules for that stuff and then stick to it. But the goal here is intentionality. Okay? The second thing is, is you have a mission, and that is to get two or three or four women

• 48:53Dr. John Delony?

  in your life who will be there for you for support, for birth, for, um, doctor's appointments, for inevitable hiccups that come up before or after a baby's born, for helping you when it's month four after the baby's been born and you don't know what day it is and you're exhausted and postpartum, and, and, and, that you have a gang ready to sit by your side.

• 49:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm starting to think about that. I have a few people in mind, but I'm, we'd only moved here about three years ago. So getting those people that I feel really comfortable and close with is just still.

• 49:37Dr. John Delony?

  So I would say you can't, this is gonna sound nutty, you can't afford comfortable and close right now. You can't afford that luxury. You don't have it, right? You're gonna have to afford, like, who's close? Close enough, right? And hopefully, if they're, like, if you invite four or five women over to your house one night and say, hey, I'm designating y'all, I'm gonna be doing this alone because husband's out of the country, and I'm gonna need a couple of women in my life that I can reach out to. I've picked y'all. If that's too much, you don't want to carry that, I totally get it. But man, I could really use your love and support. And you'll find one or two of those women who goes above and

• 50:19Dr. John Delony?

  beyond, and y'all sync up. And that will become somebody that you are comfortable with moving forward, maybe for baby number two. But right now, you can't afford to just be like, well, I couldn't find anyone super this, or super that, or she votes like that, or that she's always, like, that's a luxury you don't have because you have no one else.

• 50:42Speaker 03

  Right.

• 50:43Dr. John Delony?

  You get what I'm saying?

• 50:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, the closest family I have is like, three hours away.

• 50:47Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly, exactly. And then the third thing is, is making sure y'all have a once, man, I'm making this up, there's no data on this, like, once a week, once every two week, a visual check in, whether it's on Zoom, or whether it's in person, how are we doing?

• 51:10Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 51:10Dr. John Delony?

  Right? And it might be that y'all write each other notes, and read them to each other, like, while they're gone, and then you read them to each other when you're in person, or whatever. But checking in on the health status of the relationship as you're going, you're gonna have to have that, that, it's a step beneath intentionality. This is just a, an emotional check in, a feelings check in, a, do we still like each other check in? Are we still on the same page? Hey, we're only 24 months left. Hey, we're only 22 months left. We're only 16 months left, and we're not adding any more jobs. We're not going to another country after, like, we're on the same team. But a weekly or monthly check in, just to say, eye contact, holding each other's hands, are we still

• 51:53Dr. John Delony?

  both in this thing? So that, inside those three things is a huge range of, it can look different for every couple on the planet. But let those three things be your guide. But you're gonna have to get a gang. You and your husband are gonna have to be highly intentional about logistics. What do we want this thing to look like when you're gone? When you're here? Who's paying what bill? All the money is it depositing into this one single checking account? And I'll take the light bill, and the water bill, and the, all those things. And how do you want departure to look like? How do you want arrival to look like? And finally, how are you? Here's how I am. Do you still like me? I know you love me. Do you still like me? How can I love you better this month? And we're gonna do

• 52:37Dr. John Delony?

  that for 30 plus months. Thanks for the call, Nora. Good, best of luck to you, and I hope everything goes awesome with this brand new baby. We'll be right back.

• 52:48Dr. John Delony?

  Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world, and it's one of the most important things I do to start almost every single day. And Hallow wants to give you this amazing app for free for 90 days. You can change so much of your life in 90 days. You could commit to exercising and begin to transform your health. You could start doing one nice thing for your spouse and begin to transform your marriage. You can do so much in 90 days that will transform your life. And this is why I want you to try Hallow for free for 90 days. I usually listen to Hallow on the way to work, or sometimes even when I'm exercising. Helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters in my life. And for me, that's my faith practice, before the world comes at me full force. Hallow is simple, and it's guided, and it meets you wherever you are. And if you commit

• 53:33Dr. John Delony?

  to using it for 90 days, it will help you build a habit of reflection, and prayer, and peace. I want you to give Hallow a try. Try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com/daloni. That's three months for free at hallow.com/daloni.

• 53:49Dr. John Delony?

  All right, we're back. Am I the problem, Kelly?

• 53:51Speaker 04

  Yes, 1,000% you are.

• 53:55Dr. John Delony?

  Hamas, are you editing this show?

• 53:57Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 53:59Dr. John Delony?

  You got a lot of work on this one. Sorry, brother.

• 54:01Speaker 05

  Yes, I do.

• 54:01Dr. John Delony?

  Sorry. What's up, Kelly?

• 54:04Speaker 04

  So McKenzie in Columbia, South Carolina writes, am I the problem? My husband has a good job with great benefits, but describes his role in company as soulless. His dream job is law enforcement, which he would be great at. If he makes the move, his salary would be cut from 100,000 to 60 to 70, depending upon the state he decides to work for. It could potentially mean a move for us and our three kids. I don't want to be poor. I don't want to move. And I don't want him to get hurt, or worse, on the job. But I also don't want him to continue at his soulless job. Am I a problem, am I the problem for discouraging him from pursuing his dream?

• 54:43Dr. John Delony?

  No, in fact, the opposite. I think you're not the problem if you have the courage to put all of the complexities you just laid out on the table. I think the, the cultural lie is, there's a path. And if you take that a path, that right, the path, everything works out perfectly. And you get all the money you want, you get the stay at home you want, you get the house you want, you get the state you want, you get the city, like, and it's just not reality. And so, no, I think, I think you're, like, you're right to have become accustomed to, like, hey, we make this much money. And there's a far difference also between, we're gonna be poor, that's dramatic, to, we're gonna have to change

• 55:27Dr. John Delony?

  how we live. That's not dramatic. That's true, right? And also, I grew up in the home of a police officer. One of the things my mom asked me privately before I went to college was, don't be a policeman, because, I said, why not? And she said, because every day, your dad goes to work, I have to ask the question, what if he doesn't come home? And I don't want that for your wife. And so, that's a real thing. And on the other side of it, like, you don't want the person you love the most in the world to go to work every day. And we all have had those jobs. We've all seen our spouses in those moments where they're, we see them losing a part of themselves in an effort to keep the house

• 56:10Dr. John Delony?

  going. That's hard, too. I would challenge your husband on this soulless part, because you can find passion and soul in a lot of different places. So all I have to say is, he may hate his career, but I always want folks to ask them, like, this place is just, like, man, is it really? Because for a lot of human history, people were in coal mines to make sure their families lived. And, like, is it that bad? Or can you find passion in other places in your life, and just go to work and be excellent in your job? Do a great job, clock in, clock out, go home, and then find passion in hanging out with your kids? Find passion in a new hobby? Find passion in whatever? I think the workplace has become

• 56:55Dr. John Delony?

  this, I don't know, it's been kind of a cool thing over the last 25, 30 years, like, your workplace should be your destiny. Am I crazy on that, Kelly? Like, I don't know. Like, I want to work at an awesome place, obviously, and I want to work at a place with a mission that I'm aligned with, obviously. This whole passionate work thing, it just drives me crazy a little bit.

• 57:18Speaker 04

  No, I don't think you're crazy. I also can imagine how soul sucking it is to work at a place that you despise all day.

• 57:25Dr. John Delony?

  That's true. But I didn't hear that, though.

• 57:27Speaker 04

  Well, I mean, if he said it's soulless.

• 57:29Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah, but that might just mean he's doing accounting for an engineering firm, and

• 57:35Speaker 04

  I wonder if, you know, maybe it's not one or the other.

• 57:39Dr. John Delony?

  Exactly.

• 57:39Speaker 04

  Maybe there's a third path that they just need to talk about, something different.

• 57:43Dr. John Delony?

  Yeah.

• 57:45Speaker 04

  But I think that her concerns are very valid, all of them.

• 57:48Dr. John Delony?

  All, every concern is valid. Yeah, that's right. That's right. So I think the beauty is, you having the courage to put it all on the table, and say, here's all the problems here. Here's all the challenges I'm seeing. What challenges do you see? And y'all navigate it. And it might be picking the best of not optimal situations. But if y'all make that decision together, then you can co-create a plan together for, how are we gonna live a life, given this decision that we just made? And y'all get to choose. Thanks for the call. Oh, no, not call. You have to edit this out, too, Hamas. That's so great.

• 58:21Speaker 05

  I won't.

• 58:22Dr. John Delony?

  I know. Love you guys. Bye.